009. Arpil 2008

1. Tuesday: Why oh Why oh WHY am I still typing? The weather is getting warmer. It’ll soon be time to get the h out of all of this. I’m looking forward to that moment… just close my eyes and die!

2. Wednesday: I’ll never understand why I bother, but just for the shts’n’giggles of it, I went out to Queens this morning to register at Premier Agency and to my shock: Annie told me that I was too late to get into the current course for HHA but that the next one will be at the end of May (and that one will be all Spanish) so it looks like I wouldn’t get in until July or so. BUT, then she gets up, asks me to wait 2 minutes and leaves. When she comes back she says: “How would you like to begin classes today?” “Today?” I asked. “Yes. Today. Now.” So, of course, I got up, grabbed my back-pack and had her lead the way. I’VE BEGUN MY STUDIES FOR CERTIFICATION AS AN HHA TODAY! THE COURSE IS ABOUT 4 WEEKS LONG. BUT I’LL BE CERTIFIED TO WORK ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I PUT IN, ON MY APPLICATION, ROCKAWAY AND SOUTH BROOKLYN (CONEY, BRIGHTON, MIDWOOD). FROM WHAT I HEAR AND UNDERSTAND, THERE’S MORE THAN ENOUGH WORK IN FAR ROCK TO KEEP MY BUSY SO…. HERE WE GO! – I was out the door at 8h24 and got back 23h12. So, I have to say, it was a “good day” …. ANY day away is a “GOOD DAY”.

3. Thursday: New MetroCard started today when I went to class…. WENT TO CLASS! The class is all female. About 5 Latinas, the rest are Black, save one or 2. One is Afrikan (Chad) (speaks French), and one is Muslim and very picky about who she attends to and such. I don’t expect her to last through. – But, this is wonderful! Spending all this time away from the misery of Riverdale and working my way toward a new job! (I’m not THRILLED about home care… but it’s work… it will be in Rock… it will get me the fk away from that miserable cow! So I’m HAPPY!)

4. Friday: Well! THe cow’s Elisha was supposed to arrive today or tomorrow. Imagine? A FRUM JEW travelling on Friday or Saturday! You know? She pulled her last card and this is where I have to do what I must do to protect myself. Sorry there, Ms. Baldinger, but your time has come and my turn at bat is up. Your head is on the block from now on and all bets are off. There are no rules and no regs. I do what I must to get to where I want to be… or you’ll be waking up some morning and my dead arse will be on your sofa and you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the authorities. Don’t believe me? Try me… go ahead… try me!

5. Saturday: On my way back from The Fort, I went to Deals in Woodside. I was straving! I was exhausted! I bought a jar of peanut butter and a can of Campbell’s Chunky Chicken and Dumplings soup. On the receipt I wrote: THE SOUP CAME IN A “POP-UP” CAN. TODAY I HIT YET ANOTHER LOW WHEN I STOOD ON THE PLATFORM (at Northern Blvd), OPEND THE CAN AND DRANK THE SOUP DIRECTLY, BARELY CHEWING ANYTHING… THEN LEFT THE EMPTY CAN THERE. COLD SOUP. GULPED. HUNGER. FATIGUE! LEAVING THE CAN. HOMELESS? – Got a wash done this evening though. And believe it or not, the cow ordered FOOD FOR ME! RICE! WHITE RICE. PLAIN WHITE RICE. She believes that that’s enough to keep me going. She has no idea what I do in the course of a day and even when I tell her, she won’t listen. A pint of white rice and she comments on my weight loss and how other people will think she’s denying me food. Well? A pint of white rice and I’m on the go all day? Honestly! People can be so stupid.

6. Sunday: Tonight I slept in the same clothes I’d worn all day. Didn’t get back to the hole until 1h27!

7. Monday: Out the door b 6h58 and NO SHOWER! Had to be at Rego Park clinic by 8h30 today! PPD and Rhubella test. Ready to die. Exhausted!

8. Tuesday: This morning, before I went into class, I left a voice-mail message for RL asking her for a letter of reference and telling her the plain truth about how this is all getting to me. I told her that I’d asked for favours in the past but this time I’m asking for “HELP”. I told her that I need to get out and that I’ve grown hateful. I have nothing to lose anymore. I really don’t. People won’t listen. They won’t try to understand. They have their lives and that’s all they care about. I need to just say what I must and do what I must to get out of this situation. Then, hopefully, one day, I can lay my head down and never have to be a part of any of it again… SOON! Meanwhile, Kalbah was up and about all night tonight! It’s not bad enough I don’t get sleep on a regular night. She has to be awake like this to make it so that I’m exhausted while taking these classes! I know her motive and she’ll be very sorry.

9. Wednesday – FDLib 16h59 I should be in class for my HHA but NO! The idiot Kalbah had to go and throw that little funny paper at me and I had to go make certain that it didn’t get procesed so that I show up at the building to find that what little I have left in life is gone… like everything else. I went to calss this morning and feigned a call from Kalbah calling me away so that I could take her piece of sht paper to the housing court. Come to find out: NO DOCKET NUMBER! THEY CAN’T PUT IT ON THE CALENDAR BECAUSE IT WASN’T REGISTERED WITH THE COURT! I WASTED THE AFTERNOON. AND I RISKED BEING DROPPED FROM THE COURSE TOO! – So here I am, no cigarettes, no food, little money, at the library, passing the time so that I can get back to that hell hole, change, and maybe head out to Rox for smokes this evening. They might have the B1G1. I need a dollar more, but I’ll think about that as the day goes along. Meanwhile, I’m exhausted. I’m thirsty. I don’t know that to think. I’ve asked Rabbi Lewis for some assistance. She went to Charlie B! Even the Rabbi is afraid of the old cow!!! But you know? this is how most of my existence has been all along so it should come as no surprise. I’ll have to do what I have to do and that’s all. IF I get tossed out of this class, the choices are: Peace at Rock or Peace on her sofa. I can’t decide which one I like better. But all said, I can’t imagine Margot’s face when she gets up in the morning, staggers into the livingroom to find me lying there on the sofa. She’ll call my name a couple of times before actually realising that I’m dead! THAT’S a moment I would like to see…. from afar. Meanwhile… I plod along.

10. Thursday: Crate & Barrel called to ask me if I’m still intersted in working sales. I think it’s the SoHo store. Imagine that? – Meanwhile, I put in a good day at class for the HHA training. I like going out to Kew Gardens in the mornings. It’s a good relief from the travelling on the trains all the time. – This evening brought an EXPLOSION at the Kalbah residence: All I ate all day was some white rice and I took the dish to the kitchen to wash. I took that fkng strainer out of the drain to keep it clean but some-how, a kernel of rice managed to get into it. Of course, she had something to say about it and I just lost it… let her know everything that’s been on my mind of late. It was inappropriate. But I had to get it out of my system. And I’d just sent an e-mail to Charlie Baron explaining how important it is for me to get out of that house so that he doesn’t believe that I actually want to stay. It was a terrible day all round.

11. Friday: Had to go to the clinic again this morning for the second PPD. 8h30. Then to class for the PCA part of it all. I passed! I’m actually and officially a PCA at this moment in time. I could take work now, but with only one more week to the HHA, I’ll wait and try for more money along the way. – Got to services this evening too. Didn’t eat much of their food though. And wasn’t spoken to. The RT congregation is against me for some reason. Oh well… I did for them for a year with no gratitude. Let them stew in what-ever it is they’ve concocted.

12.Saturday: Ft.

13. Sunday: Ft.

14. Monday: Class all day and then a trip out to RAA for the monthly meeting. It was interesting and worth the fact that I was VERY late getting back… 1h04 and the cow was still awake. BUT, she wouldn’t let me get to sleep, knowing that I have class tomorrow. She kept on talking and had to do things until almost 2h. But the kick in the face? “You can shower in 15 minutes…” and “Get a good sleep on the subway…” I also had to go to the clinic this morning to have the second PPD read! – Test scores today were on the 80’s. FATIGUE!

15. Tuesday: SHE WOKE ME AT 5h42 THIS MORNING! SHE BELLOWED AT ME AT 5h42 THIS MORNING! THREE HOURS’ SLEEP AND I HAVE THE RUNS! THEN SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY “TRY AND COME HOME EARLY TONIGHT”! HOME? HOME? HOME? WTF IS WRONG WITH HER? – Got back to the hole at 20h34 ready to die and she STILL kept me up until midnight!

16. Wednesday: Let me just put here: Out at 7h28. Back at 20h34. AT 23h40 SHE SAT IN HER RECLINER, CHECKING HER GARBAGE BAGS TO SEE IF THEY HAD HOLES IN THEM! 23h50 SHE’S IN THE KITCHEN, RUNNING WATER FOR THINGS AND REASONS UNKNOWN. SHE TRYING TO MAKE ME FAIL AT THIS ATTEMPT AT WORK TOO!

17. Thursday:Kalbah gave me 25 for shoes because I need whites for the new job! She made a “to-doo” about giving me her “secret emergency 10$” and keeps claiming that she has no money. Well, I keep thinking that she’s got enough to give that black bch across the hall 60$ every month to (not) clean her house, something I’d done many times for nothing. So she can stuff the whole poverty issue. – I TOOK THE FINAL FOR THE HHA TRAINING TODAY AND GOT 98! I probably could have gotten 100 if I’d been well-rested and fed. But 98 isn’t bad. Besides, it looks like I’ll be out to working in Far Rock soon. A good thing! I NEED to get as far away from all of this as I possibly can and QUICKLY!

18. Friday: Ran out to the Ft. this morning and back to the flat on time to get to services at 19h. RL and her hub not speaking to me at all! Imagine? No letter. Not even a “Shabbat Shalom” from either of them. So, it looks like I’m on my own again. Said so to Kalbah as well. Nobody really wants to know anything about anything and nobody wants to DO anything to help.

19. Saturday: Figuring I have nothing more to lose, and knowing damned well right that I need another MetroCard, I left a not on the dining table this morning:
“Good morning!
Since I keep forgetting to talk about it, maybe writing it whilst I remember is best…
The agency keeps telling me that they have immediate work for me so I can begin right away. Most likely on the 1st May. But my MetroCard expires that day. I’ll have no fare to get to the jobs.
-If your 400$ offer still stands, I wonder if I could borrow (a loan to be paid back) 100$ to get a 30-day card (at 81$) with some extra food money. That would give me the peace of knowing that I can begin working immediately.
-The 20$ for uniform, plus the 24$ for shoes will be part of the loan and I will return the 145$ to you as I get paid. My first paycheque should come by the third week of May.
-You know that I hate to beg. But being SO close to getting back to work, and yet, so far rom being able… Well, sometimes life forces us to admit our limitations. (And, if we don’t ask, we live with a 100 percent “NO”.)
-So before I forget to leave this not, I’ll stop the writing her.
-See you for seder!”

I got back a little late for seder but she put the 100$ under my place-mat on the dining table! told me never to use the work “beg” again. It bothers her. As if I’m not “begging” for some money for all that I’ve invested in her. Still, this makes it so that I DO have a new MetroCard for another 30 days… the month of May. And, all considered, that’s THE most important thing… having that card. With it, I have a place out of the rain and elements. With a MetroCard, I have a place to sit and rest and sleep.

20. Sunday: Well, I got up this morning, weary and with the water-runs. Stayed in the flat for a while longer than usual, waiting for the runs to pass. Of course, Kalbah wasn’t happy about my presence and whined quite a bit about it. She’s not feeling well either, but I’m not supposed to EVER be anything less than perfect. So, about 8h I left, got the Bx10 to Norwood, train to Fordham and bought white sneakers for work. They barely fit, but they were 19,99 and so they are mine now. With them on my back-pack, took the D to 59th for the A to HOME!!!!! – Breezy and over-cast day, chilly. Pen was at T6 and Matt and I talked a bit about the Ft. Left 16h and came to the FDlib for pc time. No more trots though. But I haven’t eaten. It’s 20h10 and I should be out of here. Kalbah has, no doubt, eaten already. I will be denied food. – OH! RL went to Sylvia to ask HER to write a letter of reference for me! RL offered Otto’s service, but wasn’t serious (or so she claims) about it. I’ve been in HELL and these people are pulling me around. – Well, I’ve gotten some info on emergency housing for tomorrow. I hope I won’t end up in some miserable shelter. But I HAVE to get the hl out of that flat and away from all the misery!
*NIGHTMARE! Tonight, when it was time to get to sleep, Kalbah decided, as usual, to be chatty. I was ready for sleep at 23h25 but she managed to stretch it all out. So, when lights went out at 23h42, she was in the hallway, in the closets, chatting away. It must have really bothered me because THREE TIMES I had horrible nightmares that I was yelling at her because she wouldn’t shut up! I think I kept waking up, trying to get comfortable and hiding under the blanket, yelling at her “It’s no use! I can’t hear you! I have to get to sleep! I have to be out of here in the morning!” She kept chatting and I woke (I think) a couple of times, yelling “NO!”. – I’m burning out here!!!!! – Rabbi Lewis sent an e-mail: Says she asked Sylvia Gottlieb to write a reference letter for me. Hey! I’ll take it if I get it. I have my doubts. Sent a reply saying OK. We’ll see.

21. Monday: It’s 13h16 and I’m at Brighton Library! Took the F from 169th Jamaica all the way out to Coney and the B68 bus to here. Have been out of the house since 7h30. Kalbah woke before I left. Of course, she HAD to use the loo and I was “in the way”. But, she was in relatively good spirits. I was extremeley exhausted. – Went to “Home Base” in Jamaica, looking for housing. It was an OK experience but, the intake worker asked me “Where do you put your head down at night?” and I gave Kalbah’s address! WRONG! It threw me back into The Bronx! So now, I have to go back up there to register for housing! I don’t want to “reside” in The Bronx. – Still, I must try and keep in mind: I want Rockaway and I want it badly… so I’ll have to work toward it. I can’t just expect anything to be easy and simple. I have to work toward this. So, if it comes down to it, I suppose I’ll be spending time at Baxter’s (if that’s an option) for a while. I won’t have money to eat or smoke or what-ever for a while, but I’ll have a place to sleep… and it’ll be Rockaway. – E-mail from Rabbi Lewis says she forwarded my e-mail to Sylvia and will let me know if she hears anything more. Meanwhile, I’ve created a letter from “Zur” that I might have to use. I don’t know. – More stress. – OH! This morning, Kalbah says to me: “I hope you can get some sleep on the subway.” She thinks this sleeping on the subway is fine! I wish I could get murdred while I sleep. The note in my wallet will tell the truth about it all…

Addendum: I got back to the flat at just after 19h and she’s sitting there in discomfort. I can actually feel for her. It must be terrible. She has a lot of trouble to begin with and all this bowel-cleansing isn’t helping her. She offered food, but when I took the meal out of the freezer, it was marked “ME”. She has her favourites and she makes certain that the only thing left not marked “ME” is poultry. The low-cal, low-carb food. So I took the turkey and made do with it. But the kicker came when it was time to go to sleep: 23h30 and she’s still up and waddling about! She waits until the last minute to DO anything and yet, she tells me that it’s my fault if I don’t get to sleep on time. Then, lights are supposed to be out and she comes BACK into the living-room as I lay trying to get to sleep. Into the recliner, fidgetting with the light, moaning and sighing. She gets up for something, bangs into the sofa. I think she finally left the living-room at midnight. Yet, all the while, she blames me. She also made the comment that I should get my sleep on the subway. I should have told the intake worker at HomeBase that I lay my head down on the A train.

22. Tuesday: Up at 6h and when I went to smoke, Kalbah used the loo. I took my shower and left a little later than I should have. But was at the FDlib by 9h. Today, I’ll try for HomeBase here, in The Bronx and see what they (don’t) have to offer. It makes no sense to me to have to live here and work in Queens. But… – I got an e-mail from Sylvia this morning. She already sent the letter of reference and had a telephone call with the agency and settled the whole matter. Her e-mail was very kind and nice. So, my letters are in and all should be well and on the way. It was a good start to the day. Now all I need is a place away. – This makes me angry and sick: Because of the last 2 years, I’ve lost my heart here in this boro. This was “MINE” for so long… my Mom, her parents, the family. The roots here. But these people are different and it’s time I let go of this and moved on. It’s sad… really sad.

23. Wednesday:

24. Thursday:

25. Friday:

26. Saturday:

27. Sunday:

28. Monday: DID IT! FINISHED IT! TEST ARE DONE! PHOTO ID DONE. FINGERPRINTS ARE TAKEN. THE WHOLE MESS IS FINISHED AND AS OF TODAY, I SHOULD BE A CERTIFIED HHA AND PCA! NOW WHERE’S MY CERTIFICATE? THEY WON’T SAY WHY AND THEY WON’T SAY WHEN, BUT THEY’RE HOLDING THE ACTUAL CERTIFICATE. WELL, WE’LL SEE…

29. Tuesday: it’s about 14h45 and I’m out a BBlib. The rain has been falling all day and I’ve been out of the flat since about 8h. I just couldn’t get up this morning! Not enough to eat for days. Not enough sleep in the longest while. But I dare not sit there, in that hell hole for any length of time. So this morning, I headed out, got the Bx20 to the A and took it to LEFFERTS BLVD! I’ve managed the entire A line! Got on the return train to Rock Blvd and out to BC for the shuttle. B116 for smokes and on the 22 to B86th shopping to apply for HHA work at VNS. But they don’t take applications there. Oh well. In the rain, back on the bus to B86th where the agency welcomed me BUT they NEED my certificate! I’m screwed for now. Out of there, into the rain, walked to B90th to the Shuttle to BC to the A to Nostrand for the C to (my mind just went completely blank!) Franklin to the shuttle to Prospect Park to the Q to here. From here? Probably the 99cent store for jelly or something and then to the FDlib for the evening. My mind is toast. Just toast. I’m so exhausted it hurts. I’m sick and tired of being cold. But it looks like the sun is breaking out. Maybe I’ll go to the Fort for a while. I don’t know just yet.

30. Wednesday: I was supposed to be out of the flat by 9h this morning so that Ms. Cornbread could come in to clean. BUT, she backed-out AGAIN with-out previous notice and I spent the day wandering until almost 20h again for no reason. – Kalbah went to her endocrinologist today. Nothing much said when I got in. But when I got in, she offered dinner and, of course, I had to wait until she got good and damned ready to let me put my MOW in. Anyway… the day went on… at about 23h35 she decided that she had to go to the loo and THEN to check her sugar. I went right to the sofa to get to sleep, since I have to be out of the way in the morning for Ms. Cornbread. Anyway, kalbah waits until 23h35 to check her sugar and it’s 40! So she makes a little noise at the table, has the lights over the table turned on so I’m supposing I shou;dn’t sleep, and finally at 24h15 she puts out the lights after slupring and schmacking at table. More on this on the KalbahJournal.