| DEADARTIST Tales of Lembrook |
|
|
DeadArtist: Still Life |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
August 1955 - October 2021 - 51 Places in 66 Years I have just completed a re-structuring of this page, to "clean" the dates, according to the Journal entries, memories, and the likes. They are, to the very best of my current knowledge and memory, quite accurate. I've not included little "stay-overs" across my (currently) 64 years of age (soon to be 65 years). But the rather and some-what "substantial" addresses are included, places where I settled or those that provided shelter when absolutely needed. As of tonight, the number has reached 50. 50 places, around the states of New York and Vermont, Montréal, Québec, Canada, Tel Aviv, Israel. It doesn't seem possible, to have travelled so extensively, to have tried to call so many places "Home". In so many, I furnished them as made me most comfortable, but for reasons too many to mention tonight, obviously, they weren't meant to be. Often, I wondered "Why?", why did Life prohibit me from settling for extended periods of time, and why have I never been afforded the comfort and luxury of "establishing" my-self in any for more than, several years? I remember Mother having said, at some time over the course of years: "You were always leaving. Then came your first tri-cycle (Hill Street). You had wheels and the leaving was suddenly easier and you were gone more frequently. Then, you had wheels and an engine (Coach Lane) and that was the end. You left and you just kept going." Recently, Dorothy said, in a telephone conversation "You always did move around a lot." I finally had the opportunity to tell the truth: In my earlier years, it was never intentional or voluntary, not of my own choosing. (Having been told, in October, 1973 "You have to leave! If you stay, he'll kill you. And think of the stigma that will leave on the other kids.") It began then... Obviously, it continued. But tonight I think: "50!" As of tonight, the list here has reached 50. But when I left Franklin VT, 18 July 2019, I said "I'm going home to die." I can only hope that that will be true... and soon. I'm tired... ever so exceptionally tired. *ADDENDUM*:Tuesday 26 October 2021:A few weeks ago, I had nothing much else to do late of a night, and so, I just started rummaging through the "internet". In my fatigue, I decided to "trace" mother's wedding announcement. You see, I was born 9 months and 9 days after she and father were married, and for all these (currently) 66 years, well, once I was old enough to "figure things out for my-self", I've been under the impression that I was conceived on their honey-moon. Ah but, having spoken with cousin Dorothy about a year ago, time passed and the "grog" of "life" began clearning. As it seems, based on information from dear cousin, father really hadn't intended to marry mother at all. No, instead, there was a woman named "Dot" who was to have been the "lucky"(?) "Mrs.". In fact, THEY were "so in love" that cousin Dorothy was named after said "Dot"! OK! Now then, add, to this drama, mother's claim: "Your father took me to the doctor for a check-up and we were in the car on the way home after when I told him that I was pregnant. He slammed the brakes, right in the middle of traffic, looked at me and yelled 'HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? I THOUGHT I MARRIED AND INTELLIGENT WOMAN!'" Ahhhh... No, mother, darling, no. Though it can't be proved nor disproved at this point in Earth's glorious history, one of proper "intelligence" and clearer thinking would certainly conclude You weren't married at all, not then, at the time of your "announcement" nor at the time of "conception". You'd been "courted" (so you claimed) by a "Dr. Hoffmann" who wanted to marry you and take you to Germany. You declined. BUT you WERE "engaged" to "Dominic", who'd given you quite the impressive ring and "rock", "impressive" as your mother described it. Years... YEARS later you confided that Fran, your sister-in-law, had gone to "Dominic" for a hair-do and when she told him that she was your sister-in-law, the story tells that "Dominic" almost tore her hair out. Ah... "jilted"... by a slut. Imagine that. (Looks like he actually was the winner; eh? Imagine me being born to HIM, and, well... the resemblance would have been... wouldn't have been at all!) No darling, saintly Ms. Mother... you were working the central office, handsome line-man rolls in and you two have a "lunch break". HAH! Talk about "intelligent"? Looks like neither of you had any traces of such, a perfect match: Dim and Dimmer-yet. Your "announcement" sealed your fates. I don't know WHICH set of your parents demnaded the marriage, but, looks like they acted promptly. And today, 66 years later, here I sit, in a little shit-box in the Adirondacks, having had almost NOTHING to do with ANY "relatives/relations" for the most part of my existence and the EPIPHANY... Father HATED me from conception because of the fuckery HE made of his own existence! I was a constant reminder that he didn't have his precious "Dot"... and I was constantly blamed. He beat you, dear "mother" because he HATED YOU... AND HIM-SELF... BUT THE HATE YOU BOTH HAD FOR ONE-ANOTHER, EACH-OTHER WAS NOTHING WHEN COMPARED TO THE HATE YOU BOTH HAD FOR ME! SO... today, this after-noon, as the skies hang heavily dark grey, the rains fall steadily, the lush greens of these mountains are being replaced with bare branches and dull pines, the temperatures gasp as they attempt to remain just above "freeze"... today, now, I see the actual truth. You two fucked and then dedicated the rest of your lives to fucking me... one way or another. You ALMOST SUCCEEDED... SEVERAL TIMES. I TRIED to end my existence, but, well, looks like I was your "Hell" that had to be paid. And my "Hell" was being your Hell. Well, looks like I've finally gotten my "Heaven" because here's your story, for the entire WORLD to read and see and know. But hey! You know, you made my existence intolerable but, in spite of it, I did quite wonderfully well, all considered. And as for the other three you dumped into the world? Well, never mind them. Pampered, preferred, protected... I could say, but it's of no use. I've NO connection with or to any of them, and I'm happier for that blessing. As I say, the efforts made, the attempts to "kill me off" by all of you were, I suppose, to some, "impressive". The lies told to your friends, our neighbours, relatives about my "mental instabilities", yes, "impressive". The attempts to kill me out-right and make it look like and accident, the "almost successes" when I tried to kill my-self so you could toddle off and call it "suicide", oh, you had the angles covered. Sadly, for all of you, none of it was successful... I've lived long enough to not only TELL the truth, but to make it available to the entire world. I may have been born of selfish, doddering idiots, but, thankfully, some-where in the genetic pool, "clever" was there, probably recessive. But here it is. Your shit has hit the fan! Meanwhile, I just want to say, in case any of them ever get to see this... YES, your merry little mass of morons, even though I didn't know until just VERY recently the exact location, YES, I AM FROM "CORNWALL-ON-HUDSON"... Born in "Cornwall" but THIS FIRST PHOTO IS OF THE FIRST "HOUSE" I WAS BROUGHT TO, MY VERY FIRST RESIDENCE! Looks like the best revenge is merely to live long enough to embrace the opportunity!
|
