1.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.21) Atropa Balladonna.
(PostTime: 6.28) OH! So it's going to begin THIS way! I put in a 2-word entry and the blog comes back with "not allowed". Welcome to August? I've got head-ache. My stomach's out of whack. My eyes are burning. I haven't checked the weather yet. It's already 25* in here. And I can't entre comments. Hmmm... Omen? Let's see where this "comment" goes...
(PostTime: 6.38)OK. Both comments posted. But I had to get my NOAA weather page back. And it is “partly cloudy” out there (I looked out the window… steained my neck). 50% chance of rain (after noon). Well. FKIT! I’ve got a mission! And if it’s cloudy, the butt-holes will stay away. (I can only hope… only. But it IS August.)
(PostTime: 16.07)Going down for a nap. Got MANY Beach Plums this morning. They’re washed, picked-over and drying. Not as ripe as they should be but pretty damned good just the same. – Spoke w/Pen. No beach. Cloudy and NO WAVES. The Rangers were directing people off the Fort today. GOOD! One Black broad from RLL gave Janet a difficult time, parked in front of T7. I rang NPS Police. The mountie came… and so did Jose. (I’m truly tired of that charade w/Jose. It used to be cute but it’s going no-where and worn thin.)
Left about 14.45. I got the plums. The rest was wasted time.
A note: Stephie thought me to be “much younger… not 50” and Penelope actually said “40”. Time to check-out before the years hit. And Penelope actually said “I don’t know how you do it. You’ve been through so much shit in your life-time.”
They should only know…
Nap! I need cigs/vidka/food. And maybe a delivery of plums to M&E. But for now… nap. (40?)
(PostTime: 21.48)Nap. Just got cigs and MetroCard. And a tablet (Pepino) of chocolate. Talked too long w/Penelope. – She tells: “I want you to know that I understand how you’re feeling; and I want you to know that I will be with you through this difficult month.” I appreciate her kindness. I know she can understand. But honestly? I don’t want someone to be “with” me. I don’t want to be “with” me. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to “be”.
I am in Rockaway. The walk to DneRde brought me along B116. Clear view of The City, way across the bay. It’s beautiful here, in that respect. I wore jeans, shirt out, flip-flops. It’s a delightful night. I’m away from all the past. AWAY from SLL the past. No connections to any of it. I’m in a place where I am able to keep what I want, discard, forever, what I don’t want. Penelope says she spent a year not talking. She shut-down, shut-in, shut inside. She says she can see that person. But it’s not “her”. Says I don’t understand that urge to survive because I haven’t gotten to that “line”. Like not being able to come back “up” until you’ve hit the absolute bottom? Like, not knowing you CAN come up until you find your-self in The Shelter? They believe that I CAN because I walked into the darkness of the Bakfort and survived. Even I don’t understand that anymore. All I understand is that I don’t really want to survive. I just keep going because it’s what is to be done. I’m existing, therefore I keep moving along. No interest in being a part of the larger whole. Moving because the current of what is takes me along… waiting to drown, taken under, blind in death… waiting. And nobody really knows… they don’t want to know… and I don’t want to tell. I don’t want them with me. I don’t want to be.
(PostTime: 21.52)P.(enelope) is 23 yrs. older than J.(ose) who is just 59. 82.
I can hear the fking bloody TV in 7.
Aug. is 3 mos. rent. No demand.
WTF? Just WTF? OK?

2.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.25)Yeah. Well. I’m awake. And the band round my bottom teeth snapped as I slept (it’s replaced). August.
(PostTime: 22.09)To Tilden by about 10. Tried another water-colour. Shit. I just don’t have it anymore. But the day w/Penelope was delightful. I discovered the oils I’d given, on a table ib Geoff’s class-room. We figured that he didn’t mention them because he’s one of those who hasn’t the grace to simply say “thanks”. Receiving things makes him miserably uncomfortable. Indeed, there are people like that.
Penelope asked my birthdate. I agreed on the condition she’d confirm or correct my guess on her age. She’s 81. She knows my birthdate. But I must say, my attitude toward this year is changing, thanks, in GREAT part, to her. Yes, it would be a GREAT GREAT pleasure to die this year. However, to facilitate that would be more a surrender to all who try to destroy: father, sibs, &c. It would be more their victory and a defeat for me AND Mama who protected me for so long. Mama was a strong, wonderful human. I emmulate much of her. SHE did not let this shit-world destroy her. I do suppose I owe it to her, in gratitude, to continue.
When I think how vital and vibrant I feel at 55, I see the injustice done against her. She must have been even more-so, having Al and all he gave her. As I said to Penelope, it is the utter disgrace of ALL Creation to end her life at that point.
Penelope was born 1929. Only 4 years before Mama. Mama would have been 77 this year. No doubt, she’d be as vibrant as Penelope (who was 77 when I met her, sculpting the “Givers Of Life”).
I will continue to pray for my death… my peace. But I will use the time meanwhile to the best… for my Mother.
When P. left today, I went to the beach. CW5. Empty beach! Choppy in the wind. Turquoise waves and blue-white foam. Delicious water temperatures! It was quite lovely. I stayed from 16-18h. – A couple in their late 20’s, naked. As I turned in my sheet, he had her breast in his mouth, she had his dick in her hand. I didn’t watch. (He wasn’t worth the watch.) Another 2 men nude. It was a quiet evening. Rejuvenating. However…
(PostTime: 22.24) A fellow fm The City got talking w/me. The Times is responsible for our on-slought this year! THEY mentioned OUR beach in one of their columns! I’m infuriated!
The walk out of the Fort was SO wonderful. If not for work tomorrow, I’d be there tonight… under my tree. One night again, I’ll go back… bags, black cover and all. As Penelope said, that time there was cathartic, cleansing, necessary. Me? I miss it. If I could balance the work and Bakfort somehow, I’d go back, in all likely-hood… just better prepared (tent!). But one night… I’ll go back.
And so, I rang P. on the walk to the bus. It was refreshing to do that walk, at that hour. Took the bus to B116, vodka. Waldbaum’s for chicken, franks, hlfnhlf, ice cream, olive oil, lettuce and… a cucumber (thanks Phil, for the idea! Not tonight, but tomorrow… w/stim! No; it doesn’t “end” at 55!)
Washed my trunks. 4 franks and salad. Ice cream. A shower and drink. Time for sleep. M&E to The City in the morning. (The TV in 7 JUST stopped!)
What more can I say?
WAR! on Creation! It took my Mother! I will avenge her!

3.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.06) Moe’s in the ER from since 23.30 last night! Just got off the phone w/Ev. At 22h he came fm the loo, got dizzy, fell. Eyes open, unresponsive, vomitted. He’d been constipated. To Booth via 911. They did CAT/head, x-ray abdom, No lesions/fx. Bump on head. – I’m going there for 10.00. – I’ve been afraid of this x2wks. Now I’m EXTREMELY concerned: complications r/t hernia? Major surg.? NO! – August!
(PostTime: 3 August 2010 23.22) Q53 Pitkim 23.15. Got to hosp. 10h. The Neuropsych, Chai, remembered me (but not Moe!). Even Moe’s MD, Bajaj remembered me. – Anyway, Moe’s good. They dud a barage of tests. No blockage. A PA tried to force hernia surg. Ev and I agree, Beth Israel. – I stayed Unril 18h. Ev and I went car svce. Then by their car to Chaket Alpina. I had a Spaten, weisswurst, home-made REAL spetzle, red cabbage! DO WONDERFUL!
(PostTime: 24.09) 23.43 I walk in the door, dead tired. TV BLARING, LIGHT ON! Nr.7! Fk! Fk the rent too. Just fk it.
So, Moe rang Ev whilst we were at dinner. She says he sounded well. I hope we can bring him home tomorrow. I’m just so fearful of a set-back. It would ruin him, destroy her… and honestly? It would hurt me. (Ev admitted, she didn’t want to go home… to be alone. When we left Booth tonight, I didn’t want to leave Moe alone. He’s all with it. I worry. I judt do.
Dinner: Fond memories. The wurst wasn’t quite as packed or spicy as years ago (and quite more costly). But the meal was fresh and home-made. I think the last time I had such fare was when Mum and Al were at Bay Shore! 86?
Meanwhiie…
Imagine: Moe & Ev depend on me for SO much. If he comes out of all of this in good shape, I’m their link to getting out of their flat! I’m their escape. I’m just about their life. Horrid! A “purpose”. Has Fate done this or some “intervention”? How I wish I knew. A reason to continue? When I don’t want to? Well, wgat-ever… Both of them never stop thanking me. And Penelope keeps saying that I’m their gift, their great fortune. I don’t see it.
Now? The phone is paid for the month. The radio is playing Hebrew. I’m not here. I’ve escaped “here” through the radio. It keeps me away… from here… from me. I’ll finish my light vodka-tonic, try for sleep (in spite of the noise fm next door). IF I’m to go on, it CANNOT happen here. Not in this Spicdump. It WILL CHANGE! I MUST CHANGE… ALL!
Time for my “nap”.

4.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.24) It’s 6.20 and he’s crashing around in 7. I’m litterally EXHAUSTED this morning! Not hung-over; EXHAUSTED! – At 6h the sink gurggled. Fortunately the stopper was in. And now the beach sheet in soaking. – I want to go back to SLEEP!
(PostTime: 23.03) Made it! At the flat by 9.30. Didn’t leave until 10. BUT DID I HIT IT? The Resident, last night, did an x-ray, to r/o hip fx. I said there was nine. THERE WAS NONE! I said the passing-out was a combination of meds and position. The NeuroPsych agreed. Moe’s to be disch. tomorrow, pendin results of EEG.
I’ve re-written my life.
I’m fed-up w/Barbara T. I rang her this eve. Offered my help. She relies on her daughter for professional assist at Calvary (Sherry’s EMS). I offered help w/Bob’s medication and blood-work. She all but out-right rejedted. Time to back off there.
SOUTH CHANNEL AT LAST!
In at 23.23. A vdka-tnc. 7’s quiet. Good thing. I’d planned to slam my door. – 27,5 in here. Humid again. I’m icky. But no energy to shower.
So, once again I did my “Nursing” interventions. Told Barbara to ask what the blood and urine works are for, suggested she ask that Bob’s ativan be given over the day and not at one dose. She deferred to her daughter. I’m taking me out of the picture. – Meanwhile, Ev stressed how much she and Moe appreciate what I do for them Said Moe is very protective of me and I am of both of them. I told her I don’t know any other way and to thank my Mum.
The RNs at Booth encourage me to returnlto Nursing. If I’m to go on, I suppose I shall.
So… on The Rock, I’m looking fwd to a court date for this hsng issue. I’m just at the end. Find a quiet, civil placd to live… but NOT leave The Rocks. I like it out here… and my connections w/the past are going. And, again, my life is re-written. I’m doing much good, it’s appreciated, I’m appreciated. At last!
Moe will go home tomorrow. There is a very tough time to come. He’s done SO VERY WELL. As Ev said: [I] have so much to offer, so much to give.
Well. There is no peace for the good people on this earth. We must make of it what we can, for ourselves. Indeed. The “reward” is with-in. That’s it… that’s all… lo klum.
(PostTime: 23.42) In at 23.23. A vdka-tnc. 7’s quiet. Good thing. I’d planned to slam my door. – 27,5 in here. Humid again. I’m icky. But no energy to shower.
So, once again I did my “Nursing” interventions. Told Barbara to ask what the blood and urine works are for, suggested she ask that Bob’s ativan be given over the day and not at one dose. She deferred to her daughter. I’m taking me out of the picture. – Meanwhile, Ev stressed how much she and Moe appreciate what I do for them Said Moe is very protective of me and I am of both of them. I told her I don’t know any other way and to thank my Mum.
The RNs at Booth encourage me to returnlto Nursing. If I’m to go on, I suppose I shall.
So… on The Rock, I’m looking fwd to a court date for this hsng issue. I’m just at the end. Find a quiet, civil placd to live… but NOT leave The Rocks. I like it out here… and my connections w/the past are going. And, again, my life is re-written. I’m doing much good, it’s appreciated, I’m appreciated. At last!
Moe will go home tomorrow. There is a very tough time to come. He’s done SO VERY WELL. As Ev said: [I] have so much to offer, so much to give.
Well. There is no peace for the good people on this earth. We must make of it what we can, for ourselves. Indeed. The “reward” is with-in. That’s it… that’s all… lo klum.

5.Aug:
(PostTime: 23.26) Moe is home.
Pd. at 28hrs. Not nearly enough, but tonight Ev didn’t argue my hours. Someth… no… I think they’re feeling the costs. I have no great needs. They do.
Some hideous idiot gave Moe a heparin shot in the abdomen last night, He bled most of the day. I threatened “the Joint”. He was discharged at about 11.30. We left at about 17h. They doted over him. Tonight I changed the dressing. The bleeding has decreased. He’s clotting. – We went to London Lenny’s. I HAD A MANHATTAN before my fish and chips. Moe had a glass of wine. Ev ATE her soup, clams, some of Moe’s fried Ipswich clams AND dessert! Bless her. – It’s been a horrid 3/4 days for them. – Me? I had to pass Ms.D. on the stairs when I came in. Not even an acknowledgement. *This morning, I spoke w/Phil. She doesn’t speak about me. (Maybe because I’d called Jim Miller in June because she talked to Barbara about June’s rent?) But Nr.4 is on his way out (says Phil). He’s been here 3mis. pd. ONE month rent. Imagine? Says Phil, D. told him she’d never rent to Spanish because they cause trouble. As Phil says, she rents to nothing else. Says he, if they tell him to leave, they’ll have to pay him off. I told him I believe Miller and Smith are trying to run the house down. Let that get back. Anyway, if I get to court, I’ll be prepared.
My life is re-written. Time to make it comfortable… for ME … for a change.
30,5* in here! Water on to brew coffee for tomorrow. Out of instant. Of course… when the temp goes BACK UP to BLOODY 30!
V-Tonic. Then make coffee. Then SLEEP! Tilden, OCEAN tomorrow!
I’m so exhausted my shoulders ache.
But Moe is home. May it be Peaceful.
The hosp. is recommending home Phys.Tx. It will be interesting to see if PIC puts me on the case. Ev will request. I’m about to call the union. Shortlof my 1400hrs, they can’t place me? Suspicious. We’ll see.
IT’S BLOODY HOT/MUGGY IN HERE! I could go sleep in the Bakfort.

6.Aug:
(PostTime: 9.21) I can’t say I didn’t sleep. 9h! 2 alarms for nothing. And the radio up. Oh well. So much for early morning. It’s being saved only by the wash soaking in the basin. (And that’s only because I have no socks.) Whilst I have coffee and await the call to the loo, there will be laundry. Then, it will be OUT OF HERE! Now? A weather check. Later? Hope of a swim. And? Groceries…
(PostTime: 21.10) The leak in the east loo took-out the electric in the ceiling. I wonder (guffaw) if… when?… anything will be repaired.
Spent the afternoon w/Penelope at T7 listening to her saga/novella on JR. (20.58 She just called. I told her I don’t do the phone on Shabbat. Hmmm.) Anyway, I’m tired of it. BUT… it makes her SO HAPPY. So I listen, comment, and such. – But I get nothing accomplished by going out there.
Felt some-what out of it all day. Just drained. It was hot/humid. But I attributed it to fatigue.
Ev rang. The VNS came. Put in for me to return to the case. She over-heard them say they don’t think I’m “available”. Me? I know PIC dropped me. So Monday morning some idiot Black bitch will show at their door. Well, at 15h I’ll take them to their MD and when it’s confirmed that I’ve been dropped, I call the union and start getting miserable with them.
Got to KeyFood for some necessaries. Franks for dinner. Lately, I’ve been craving salads. Must need them.
Then… the runs. Brief. But there was the cause of the out-of-sorts feeling. Stress of the 3 hospital days. – Napped x1hr.
Jeans and Lacoste are hanging to dry. If there was a bar or cruising place near-by, I’d be at it/them. One of “those” nights. But, tomorrow? BEACH! Damn it! BEACH!

7.Aug:
(PostTime: 19.21) 10.06.08: Well, 2 drinks didn’t do much to help the pump/cuke/stim. It ended w/a hand. But it all helped w/sleep (at well past 24h.)
(PostTime: 19.35) I did NOT want to start this day this morning. But I do believe I’m rather glad I did. Last night’s escapade left a “donut” (which has been taken care of by the Atlantic, I’m happy to note). – So by 9.20 I was at T7. By about 10h I was IN THE ATLANTIC. Low tide, no waves, but just delightful. And the nude regulars w/1 “darker” guy (Latino, I think) who didn’t stay long (what a shame). By about 11.30 the wind shifted… FLIES! I just grabbed and left via the Cement Rd. and passed the day on the porch in swim trunks. – Park rangers/police were in force turning people away so it was a splendid, relaxing day… save the PA/JR Saga. But even that was OK. – When PA left at 16h I went back to the beach. Of course; tide in, nice waves. But I stayed (MORE SWIMMING) until about 17.30. If I’d had food, I’d still be there. – Grabbed more beach plums. They’ve ALL gone purple. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll get more. – And so, dinner/dishes are done. Trunks/towel washed, hanging to dry. The day is done. – Still no word fm PIC r/t Moe. I DO know I’ll have trouble w/them. – I need a shower… and a drink. Tomorrow will be early. I hope it will be a “civil” night here in Bedlam.

8.Aug:
(PostTime: 5.28) DREAMS:
1. At some point during the night…
.Moe had a doctor appointment. I drove him and Ev to the place. It was night. I parked and Moe went on, quickly, with the Rollator, alone. As Ev and I were walking, in the dark, toward the house (the doctor’s) I noticed some kind of excavation was taking place. A security guard was there. SUDDENLY, the sound of some-one falling into a gravel pit and Moe’s voice calling “OH!” in the dark! He’d fallen into the excavation! We couldn’t find him in the dark! The guard (Black man) wouldn’t let us look for him. Ev and I went into the doctor’s office where I complained about no lighting and that they wouldn’t do anything to help us find Moe! I called 911. I gave them the addresse: 2500 Hennley. They wanted a cross-street! I didn’t know. Thought Ev did. We were in CT. I was on my cell. I told Ev to call 911 on her cell so they’d get 2 calls at the same time. I went out to look for the cross-street. No street sign! When I got back into the office, Moe was there! He’d gotten out on his own and was fine! He just wanted to leave! As we left, we walked a paved walk to the street. It curved to the right and the street light was on. The walk-way was so that we were at eye-level with a large man-made pond, but it was MANY metres BELOW street-level, as if we were in a chasm/pit. In the pond, large fish. A very large snapping turtle/crab came toward us. I said to Ev, “Look at this! He could have fallen into THIS!” and to Moe, “I just don’t know HOW you did it! Just walked away from it.” The turtle/crab climbed out of the pond! I was behind Ev and Moe. The animal came toward us! – We were getting into the car, calmly… I commented about the street light being on now… (I didn’t wake out if this dream. But I did wake out of the next dream…)
(PostTime: 5.40) DREAM 2:
At 4.28 I woke from…
.I rang Ev to confirm an appointment they had. I was to drive. AS I was asking the particulars, she interrupted in a very happy, surprised voice: “He’s at peace! He’s so CALM! He’s says ‘Hello’. He’s sitting here, reading the paper! He’s finally at peace with it all!” I tried to talk, asking about the time of the appointment, but she kept repeating. Some-how I could see them: at the table, Ev on the phone, Moe sitting in his chair, reading the Times. He was looking at me with a contented smile on his face.
(I woke from this dream. I was well-rested.)
(PostTime: 5.54) Last night, I was tired and wanted to nap but it was already 20h so I took my shower and at 20.30 rang Penelope. We were on the phone until 22h. – She reminisced about the family at Riis, described the flowers that used to be there; how well her twins swam in the ocean; how well she swam. Then she said that, some time after the death, she felt she wanted to go swim in the ocean. She got to the water’s edge and was taken by a panic, didn’t go in and hasn’t since. – After we talked, I had a bowl of cereal and, being so tired, I went to bed… Fell right to sleep… Woke well before the alarms this morning. – Sun-rise at 6h. Summer is ending; sun-rise is later.
*** At about 4.40: a slight thump in the ceiling. Somebody rented up-stairs? Or (as I susoect) somebody w/keys staying over-night up there.
Well, my day begins… I need a new MetroCard and cigs this morning. A nice day in the fore-cast. Early beach time today.
(PostTime: 20.55) How a good day turns to shit: I’ve a red “rash” of some sort, left groin! Discovered this morning, no worse tonight. CloroxCleanUp applied. WTF? – Got new MetroCard, 2pks cigs and the bus to T7. There by about 9.30. Cloudy! I waited for clearing… M.I.S.T.A.K.E. NEVER TO BE REPEATED! By the time the skies went stable the CARS! the FERRY! the HORDES! the MISERABLE INVADERS! The Rangers were turning the cars to Riis. 4 Rangers at the T4 lot! Cars coming in 6,7 at a time! FERRY VERMIN in masses of 20-plus! It was DISGUSTING! The couple who got married on the beach (back when I resided on the Fort) actually got forced out by over-crowding! I… got NO BEACH AT ALL! – Next? PIC DIDN’T put me on Moe’s case! Some Home Health Svces. rang Ev yesterday to say they’re sending a woman on Monday. Ev told them she doesn’t want a woman, she wants me because of Moe’s age and my familiarity with his needs. We shall see where that gets her. If I don’t get the call in the morning I’m off to the union! – THEN? Jose shows at T7, ANGRY! Geoff is telling RAA members that w/nothing more than their membership card they can park anywhere in Tilden! So that added to the stress on the Rangers and the Fort and the beach… and me. I LOST IT when Penelope told Jose that Geoff wouldn’t say such a thing. I’VE HEARD HIM SAY THE VERY THING! SO… added to the “no acknowledgement” of the oil paints AND how he ignores me when he comes by, I actually almost put my fist into something! So I yelled at Penelope and left (15.15). Jose was at the picnic area SURROUNDED by Rangers and angry others. The “others” were yelling at him. So I went to him, told him that Geoff DOES tell people that, w/RAA membership they can park w/out permits… and I came back to Bedlam. – Phil is now cleaning the house. I guess that’s his “deal” w/D. – I washed Ev’s beach plums. Was thinking of bringing them. But I napped instead… that shot the ENTIRE day. – THEN!!! SOME MORON HAS BEEN BURNING OLD PAPER AND SCRAP WOOD AND THESE IDIOTS ARE CALLING IT BAR-B-QUE! ACRID SMOKE!
(PostTime: 21.12) Burning eyes and nose. It came pouring in the windows ALL evening! By 18h I put some chicken on, not hungry, but I know I must eat. Ate at 19h. – Rang Penelope to say I’m not angry w/her (I’m just fed-up). Told her about my talk w/Jose and my concern that Tilden beach will be closed. She just didn’t follow the logic and then went off on some tangent about doing her stone-work at Kingsboro and some fence, in the 1940’s between Riis and Tilden. I talked about NPS closing the BEACH… SHE went on about closing T7! AND… HOW I UPSET HER SO MUCH THAT SHE CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME, HAD TO GO FOR A WALK. OK. Never mind LISTENING to what I’m saying… it isn’t about HER or Jose so it doesn’t matter. (I must remember… she’s 81. This will happen.) I didn’t really want to talk much w/her and Brian arrived so that cut our conversation. Thank the Fates! – And so, it’s bloody hot 28,5 and humid in here. I’m still annoyed w/the day, anticipating bullshit tomorrow r/t PIC, wondering what the redness in my crotch is, waiting for the Bedlam Scum to commence w/ the bed-time bullshit and the mystery banging from up-stairs. – It’s been a VERY LONG day! – BUT… Moe’s OK. I’m thankful for that. And tomorrow we’re off to his Dr. (and shopping, no doubt) at 15h. (Tomorrow’s Oma’s birth anniversary too.) – AUGUST!
(PostTime: 23.13) Thought before trying to get some sleep:
“Straight” men don’t like us because they know they could never handle the masculinity of our sexuality. They need the femininity of a woman because that’s all they’re capable of handling.

9.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.24) Oma: 104 years. Still remembered.
Dreamt of Aunt Sis last night. Don’t remember the details. – Woke on my own just before the 5.30 alarm. – Curtain is hanging to dry already this morning. – Stomach out of d sorts… jerk chicken. – The expected mayhem didn’t happen last night. – A clot of dust just dropped off the fan onto my hand! Startled me! – Lungs very “wet” this morning from the smoke yesterday. I woke imagining CA.Lung. – No radio. Static. Silence. I hear the trains. – It’s rather ugly in here w/naked window. – I doubt the call will come from PIC. I’ll bet my hours have been wiped out. I’m pissed about that. – Moe doesn’t wake before 10h anyway. – The rash in the groun is still there (crotch-rot). – Cloudy this morning. Cool. 26 in here. – Should be doing something. No interest, no energy. Don’t care. – Coughing. – Oh well…
(PostTime: 8.47) It’s about to be another one of those days. I see it coming. The curtain is up. I napped long enough for it to dry enough. (It’s white again!)
– A little DREAM(lette): Penelope and I at T7. Night-time. We walk to the west end of the bldg. A baby skunk comes from behind the bldg. to me. It sniffs round my feet. I move back slowly. It follows. Harmless. Curious. Then it turns it’s back to me and raises its tail to spray me! I reach down, cover it w/my hand, pressing the tail down w/my fingers, pick it up and I tell Penelope to run away as I toss the little thing far enough away so it can’t spray us. We’re saved. The dream ends.
*****
So, as I see it, I’m protecting her. – Skunk, Geoff, trying to spray me.
Yesterday she told me that she thought that, if she’d known me when her family died, she’d never have suffered so terribly because I’m such wonderful support for people in crisis. (A lot if bloody good it does me. Where’s the recipricity in life? Where’s my support? There is none. That’s just the way it is… Some things’ll never change. Bruce Hornsby)
Another DREAMlette: Had to get Moe to tge Dr. but I was there, working via the agency and had some time in between. But nit a lot. I want to go home. Lous says there isn’t enough time. I’m getting their mail on the road. A crazy old woman comes out of the woods. Have I seen her blue pocketbook?
*****
And now? To see how the day progresses.

(PostTime: 8.50) Still no radio. The house is quiet. I can’t really plan anything in case I get called by PIC. Don’t have to be at Moe until 15h. TRAPPED! And I certainly will NOT go to T7 to be annoyed this morning.
(PostTime: 11.36) Note du jour: I’m on “inactive” status w/PIC. So says Sharma. “You can come back.” – Tiffany is w/Moe this morning. From B60 (OV?) through Progressive. They have an office on QnsBlvd/Wdhvn. I’ll apply there tomorrow. – Said to Ev, she could contact PIC. She said she’ll wait for Dee to come tomorrow. Support. Right. – Cleaned mirrors and ceiling fan. – I’m going to do what I do w/a day… there’s sun coming AT (not IN) the (filthy) window… I’m going to nap… again. There’s much to do… I’ve had 2 coffees… the radio is back… I’ll sleep the time away until about 13.00.
(PostTime: 22.35) Got to M&E at 15h. Lois, Taylor, Diane and the (very sweet and friendly) dog were there. We left at about 15.45.Dr. appt. went well (1hr45min) and we stopped at Norman’s for Ev’s naproxin. Right back to the flat. Lois had done the groceries. – Ev tells: Tiffany sat as Moe showered, then talked w/Moe and on her cell for the duration, didn’t make the bed, do the dishes (as I’d done all along). She’s NOT happy. Says tomorrow she’s going to tell Dee she wants ME back (I work). – I went grocery shopping. A roasted chicken. Not much appetite today. But very tired. – Penelope rang at 21h. I cut the call to voice mail. She just called “to chat”. I’m really in no mood. Tomorrow’s tide is 8.30. I’ll be at Tilden… not T7. – Progressive is open Wed. and Fri. I’ll go Wed. Register there. I need 2 references and to find my certificate. – NO ARETHA ON THURS! She cancelled tonight at Wingate and Thurs. at Seaside! The ONE I wanted to attend. – Now? TV mumbling through the wall fm 7. At 21h somebody hammered upstairs and just now dropped something on the ceiling. I’m prepared for court now. No other way. – There’s a pulled muscle/pinched nerve in my neck, left side. Causes MUCH PAIN! And the crotch rash is still there. More Clorox on that tonight. Stim didn’t work again. Hand. – I need to try fir sleep (nap?) for tomorrow at the beach. – Radio on. Clear. Good music. But now? TRY for sleep for a few hours. If I wake early, fix lunch, head out early. No sense being concerned about anything at this point. Noise will be reported. – The door lock is “strange”. I believe somebody comes in whilst I’m gone. Time to bug the joint.

10.Aug:
(PostTime: (6.52) There’s silence on the radio and silence in the house. I slept after the 5.30 alarm and couldn’t move when I did wake because of the pain in my neck and back. My stomach feels bloated. There’s no light coming into the room. And NOAA now says 60% chance of rain before 11.00 and it’s “overcast” at JFK. I dreamt I was with the Huxtables, who, BTW, had dyed their hair blonde, and we all were supposed to be driving to Montreal (well, I was supposed to be driving because I knew the way) and their Mexican next-door neighbour was going to park his car in their yard (at the edge if a little cliff – not Cliff Huxtable… I’ve just associated) at the edge of their drive-way (their house being in a hemlock wooded area on a mountain… like RoosaGap/Waubeeka) and I said he’d need blocks under the wheels so the car wouldn’t roll. But then one if the older kids suddenly tells me the trip is postponed until tomorrow and I go into the house to comedicly ask if this is true. “I have 1 very small but importsnt question that probably and most likely doesn’t concern mr but it does… concern me and I kniw that if I don’t ask it I’ll just become increasingly concerned which isn’t necessarily necessary in the first place and, by the way, the blonde is a very good look for bith of you in a striking way, which means in a positive way… good move… but my 1 little but important question, to me, important to me is this 1 question, is: I hear it rumoured and would like to know if it’s true that we are NOT leaving today.which means just through this night but we ARE leaving tomorrow and if thus is true why that is and what is the reason for not telling me directly… one question with multiples of punctuation.” (I just woke fromlthe dream at 6.15 before the answer came). So. My question now is: W/this weather up-date should I NOT put together a lunch to eat on the Tilden beach where I will NOT be in the 60% rain today and WTF will I do instead of going to the beach because I CERTAINLY don’t want to piss away another day at T7 and equally..
(PostTime: 6.59) do NOT want to piss away a day in this room. (And the Spicshit7 lets his door thump against the wall at 6.52.) And my left ear feels clogged now in additiin to the pain in my left neck, the jaw and the rash in the left crotch. I suppose I could do a tri-boro library run and work on the computers (and travel, travel, travel). I must think in this. What a screeching halt to a high-wave (6ft), 8.31 high tide, NO BLOODY SUN, day.
(PostTime: 19.23) After waiting through FIVE Q53’s and a Q21, I got about 2 hrs in at Tilden (CW4) before the asses arr’d. I did not, do not nor ever will understand: they park themselves with-in 1m of me, or in a direct line bet. me and the water, take the water-front line to play ball or some other nonsense, come to where it’s quiet and blast a boom-box, leave their cig.butts and trash. But I got to watch a gull devour one twink couple’s chips! VERY FUNNY STUFF, THAT! – No waves. Murky, SALTY water. There’s a sandbar breaking the waves before they get to the beach. But I got in x2. – Penelope left early today. By 15h she was gone. No Penelope today. Just as well. – “Carolyn” was at T6 when I went to shower. I needed to shower today. We schmoozed a bit. Then I showered… But I’d forgotten my unders! Came back in the bus “commando” in my camo-pants. Button fly. Good thing: uglies in the bus. – And so, I’ve eaten a little dinner, trunks and towel drying. – Ev said that Dee put in for me w/PIC today, told them she knows I’m available. No word. So tomorrow morning I’ll go to Progressive to registre (and tell them about a client they can get if they hire and send ME). – Now? I need cigs. And I could go to Bklyn AveZ 99cent. I’m weary, but the trip might be fun. And if they still have Dettol, worth the trip. (And I really don’t want to hang here m mow. The Spics will be coming in soon.)
(PostTime: 23.23) Imagine: Me, walking… strolling along Coney Island Avenue at 21.00. How things have changed! I’d gone to the AveZ store and needed cigs. So I strolled to AveV for 2pks AND dye for the chest-hair (it looks MUCH better, BTW – the grey was actually making me sick to look at.) Oh, 6 more cakes of Dettol (and a showered me in bed). Then, a stroll to AveU for the B3. Imagine that! Me. Strolling BROOKLYN at night, knowing where things are, no panic to get some-where, no rushing, no anxiety. Imagine. How life has changed. And standing on Flatbush/Kings Plaza, waiting for the bus. No panic, rush, anxiety. And after an after-noon at the beach, in flip-flops. Brooklyn. Imagine. – When I got in, TV mumbling through the wall. It just went off moments ago. I plodded quite heavily as I walked in the room. Let Mdme.D. know when I’m about. I ate some cereal, shaved my neck, showered. And now, to bed.
Spoke w/Penelope as I was in the 99cent store. She didn’t go to Tilden at all today! Probably because she knew I wouldn’t be there. She mentioned as much. No talk of Jose. But Geoff told her to put her stained glass works uo for sale at 500$! They’re EASILY worth 1500$ at least! So I rang her later to tell her so. Geoff uses Rockaway poverty. I use: If they want it they’ll pay.
The horrific pain in my neck is gone… after today’s swim. The crotch-rot is less but I got antifungal (applied tonight) just in case.
Tomorrow? Progressive. Then (hopefully) the beach. The tides are wrong, but the ocean never really is.
Now, I hope for good sleep. (BTW no bm today. Another hope for tomorrow.)

11.Aug:
(PostTime: 7.00) Going to bed showered is not such a great idea: too comfortable; I slept past the alarms and I’m still tired. Or could it be the “strolling CIA” last eve? Well, the day is not lost, though there’s radio silence this morn. (I just want to go back to sleep.)
(PostTime: 9.33) WELL! The road takes a sharp curve: MUST be at the Progressive office AT 8.45! No “during the day” hours. SO! I’ve got the day… Let’s see what we can accomplish… (beach?).
(PostTime: 10.52) At 10.30 EV tells me: PIC “terminated” me on 9 JULY! I’ve put in a call to 1199. I’m now pissed! and un-employed! I kept my-self available for M&E and her reaction “I’m terribly upset about the situation…” RIGHT! They get a new Aide, from Progressive tomorrow! I have to battle… ON MY OWN AGAIN! DAMN THE WORLD! Or, better: FTW!
(PostTime: 19.08) Spoke w/Penelope on the matter. Says she: Agrees that Ev/Moe could have offered to intervene w/a call. But, as says she, they’re simply watching their own asses now, so let them watch their asses swing. Do the hours they need. NO MORE “OFF THE BOOKS” FOR ANY REASON! AND NO MORE WATCHING TO BE SURE I’M AVAILABLE! And that’s how it will be. – I put in a call to 1199. (C.N. rang me whilst I was at Tilden. I missed it.) – By about 12.30 I was off to Tilden (until 16.30!). Good weather, many people but not packed. No waves. Murky water. I went in x3. 2nd time in, was waist deep when simething rather large bumped into my leg… left a little nick on my calf. 3rd time, I dove in, hit bottom, pushed up w/my hand… NIPPED on the finger… crab. Enough to make it bleed. But it was an interesting day as well. Discovered that the shells littering the beach are little shell-fish/crab-like creatures that bury themselves in the sand in the tide-line. Must look them up. AND the sand-bar quite really is there. People were standing in water only just waist-deep quite some distance off the shore. I could have made the trip but thought: if it suddenly gives, it’s quite some swim back; and w/the change in creatures AT the beach, there’s no telling what’s “out there”… I learnt later from Geoff that this has been a strange year for sharks. So, best not to venture out. – When I came in, Geoff and Carolyn at T6. Carolyn greeted me. Geoff was quite civil. I asked permission to shower. They left. I showered so well that I don’t need another. – Back at Bedlam, washed trunks/towel. Ate. Napped. – Now, 19.05, comes banging/thumping from up-stairs. I can cope w/SOME noise, though I don’t understand why it’s necessary. But the 311 complaints will be recorded from now on… beginning st 21h EVERY night! – Today is done. Tomorrow begins more shit, I’m sure.
(PostTime: 19.14) Note: Walking in Tilden, alone, in the evening brings many memories of the days of residence. The calm, the emptiness, the sense of being the only one who knows the place day… and night; a sense of belonging, a sense of ownership, a sense of “right” earned to be there. And a sense of the emptiness I felt, knowing that those who claimed to care offered no reprieve… let me “live” under a tree for so long… let me go off to the Shelter. “Friends” who disappear when needed. (Not unlike the M&E situation today.) Lessons… to be remembered… ALWAYS!
(PostTime: 19.24) Today I read that “survival” mode lowers testosterone levels thus decreasing sex drive. I recall thinking how my drive all but disappeared when I was in Bakfort residencd. Like-wise, it didn’t return until I was ensconced in PHC. Then, disappeared for a great while in the Shelter, until I’d made good acquaintances. I’ve become concerned about testosterone since reading an article in WebMD Monday. Not so much because of drive as much as appearances (gut, hair, &c.) The grey chest hair too. Anyway, the Bakfort days are explained now.

12.Aug:
(PostTime: 9.23) OK! IT’S STARTING TO ROLL RIGHT ALONG HERE:
– Woke at 8.25 NOT at 5.30.
– Had aggrevating dreams.
– Had an entire entry lost.
– Indecisive about things.
FTW. TV until 23h last night. Up-stairs plodding/dropping until 24h. Need to call 1199 today. Need 100hrs w/Moe by E.O.M. (or 93 more than I have presently). 9.05 and I’m pissed already.
DREAMS:
1. 2 guys working in the house for M&E. They find a box with stocks/bonds and a suit-case of valuables. They’re leaving w/these. I tell Moe. He does/says nothing to stop them. But, neither do I. I’m angry about the robbery but it’s not really my concern.
2. A blue station-wagon, dry leaves all over the interior. I’m in the country/mountains, need to drive home to The Citu. It’s 20.05, late. I want to sweep the leaves out of the car but nobody will help. I’m supposed to drive C.M. home too. I’m looking for a broom. I tell her I want to clean the car. “Yes, you’ll want to do that.” she says. “You might want to get some sleep back there on the way. You’re going home too; right?” “I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s late.” I’m annoyed, aggrevated.
So, the morning is screwed. – Last night Penelope told me I have time to submit work to ArtSplash. But it involves framing/photos/framed art to store/35$. – I need 93hrs w/Moe by E.O.M. – I’m just so indecisive! – I need to call 1199 again. Don’t want to but I know I have to settle this PIC issue. – Just indecisive!
WOULDN’T HAVE $ ISSUES IF NOT FOR HELENE AND DENISE! H. AND HER INCONSIDERATION; DENISE AND HER IRRESPONSIBILITY!
Great beginning to the day… PISSED!
(PostTime: 10.07) It’s raining, I tried to find the dates when I spoke w/PIC. Can’t imagine, I didn’t note. A call to 1199. I hesitate because my voice will carry out the door. No privacy in this place. (That’s silly. It certainly isn’t W-101 w/3 others, listening, yelling, making mayhem and some goon in uniform strolling in in the middle of the night. Right? Right! Make the call Bucko.)
(PostTime: 24.12) Got to Moe at 13h (and went on the clock). Their new Aide is NEW! Her 1st client! And she covered EVERYthing! Even offered to do laundry and shopping. They’re happy and so am I. We went to Wash.Sq. MD (Hecht). He’s quite old but EVER so nice. I parked on 6th and strolled into Barnes/Noble… got a map of Bklyn AND
A HOME AT THE END IF THE WORLD (orig cover)
FRANNY AND ZOOEY
spending money I don’t have. (But deposited 2 cqs tonight). – Dinner at St.James (Moe insisted I have a Manhattan… I did). Burger for Moe and I. Lobster for Ev. We shared a slice of cake. – 1199 rang as we parked. Says C.Neito, the “termination” thing is an on-going problem w/PIC. I should ring Mr.Connely of HR and be re-instated. (I will, AFTER registering w/Progressive tomorrow.) – Back to their flat. – I grabbed the 23 bus to TD, deposit, walked to Woodhaven, the 21 was right there! – Rang Penelope. We talked to Howard Beach. Rang Ev. Call dropped at Broad Channel. I didn’t call back (22.something) – DuaneReade for cigs. – M&E are worried now that I won’t be available for Moe’s MD appt. Wed. or when he goes for surgery. Ev says she’s going to let Dee know how upset they are w/PIC r/t me. (But she won’t contact PIC directly. Hmmm.) Still, they’re seeing what’s come to me because i of my loyalty to them. I’ll not put my-self in jeopardy again, that’s for certain. – Now, the place stinks: rainy out and the B105 plant must be backing-up. The drain gurggled. TV JUST WENT OFF NEXT-DOOR! But no noise up-stairs. – I NEED to get some sleep. P. thinks I’ll be w/her all after-noon tomorrow. Weather permitting, I’ll be at the beach (and w/her only a bit… keeping my RAA presence to a minimum. She asked me what to get Gary for his b’day. She knows him briefly and as a friend (they talk x1/wk). I wonder what she’ll do for mine (hopefully nothing). – This place stinks of B105 sewage! I need to get to sleep.

13.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.09) I’M SO TIRED! – 23,5* though. I actually turned the ceiling fan OFF last night. But, I’ve been thinking that I’d really like to go spend a night (or some) in the Bakfort. Under the tree. Getting there just at the twilight, sleep at dark, wake at sun-rise. Might be relaxing. – But for now, I’m wondering how long the trip to QnsBlvd will take. And I suppose I can put an avail.dte. as Sept. Anyway… as long as I’m registered w/another agency… This will make what; FIVE? I need to get to WORK to get out of here and to a place where I can look forward to coming home.
(PostTime: 8.20) BLOODY FKING PC OF SHT THIS! Sometimes it holds posting info. Someti.es not. And whem I go for tides the phone re-boots. Pc of sht.
Arrd 8.10. NEED LOO! BM & UR. WTF? Basic needs, common to ALL. No consideration given. This is a truly stoopid world. I keep remembering the bunk: God is perfect, God created the world, God cannot do anything that isn’t perfect… OK. The world is perfectly fkdup. Now let’s see what else will go completely wromg.. shall we?
(PostTime: 10.29) 10.24 Q53 Michelle was wonderful. I was the only applicant. Unfortunately, not imm. hire AND MORE of the medical, physical, orientation is to be done. Same story about work for msles. But I do believe it all went very well. Now to wait for the call~back. – PIC next but not on the bus. – SUNNY DAY TOO and stomach is better and I’m hungry. Good signs.
(PostTime: 17.31) * ATROPA BELLADONNA *
(PostTime: 23.21) Directly to Waldbaums for beans (w/franks, dinner) and stuff. – En route back to Bedlam, rang Connelly PIC. HE WAS ON SPEAKER-PHONE THE WHOLE CONVERSATION! ONE OF THOSE! Asked me to come to the office Monday, 10h, re-instate and move me to the Queens office for work! OK! – Came in, changed clothes. Wanted to nap but went to T7. No beach today. High Easterly winds. No sense. Too much sand. So, visited w/Penelope and Tony H. Geoff came by. I was in his “good light” today. Hmm. – FUNNY! Some idiot broad fm Oklahoma comes up to the porch, tells P. that she’s “malicious” and accuses her of closing some gate on her so she and her little brats couldn’t leave the beach. THEN she takes P.’s picture! (I took pic. of the broad’s car and plate. Will post to some Tilden blogs.) JR came by for a bit too. (MY price for prking violation was cinfirmed: 150$.) Janet came by too. (Nobody mentioned my possible participation in Art Splash.) – Out by about 16h. – P. is pricing her works at 500$. I said she’ll cheapen all other works. She became argumentative. Me? I don’t want to exhibit w/cheap. I told her to sell at a garage sale, 25$. She didn’t get the point. Naiive. But, I suppose she’s entitled. – OH! As she was locking-up, I gathered AB berries in a jar (currently un vodka in fridge… tincture). – Q22 to B116, Hrbr Wine, vodka. – Bedkam. Franks’n’beans for dinner, bloody mary (the fridge froze the V8!),. Entenmans cinnamons (memories of Riverdale) for dessert. – By 18h I HAD to nap. Set alarm for 20h…
(PostTime: 23.31) Slept through alarm. Woke 22.30! FOUR hours! And NOW the fking TV is on in 7! Phil’s little pc. of stuff is cackling aloud on the porch. But I washed dishes and my radio is on. And I don’t care. – This phone-entry shit and the errors in type makes me bloody pissed. (So does the mumble of the TV at THIS hour. But it’s more for court.) – Now? Probably back to sleep… if possible. 4 hrs isn’t enough but another 4 will be.
I just can’t get into painting. I want to but it just won’t happen. And I can’t find my charcoals/sketch book. (fking pc if shit.giddamn phone pc of gkung dhit!)

14.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.13) It’s 17* this morning! (23 in here though.) Water 21 at Willets Pt. was the lowest. Tide at noon. (It’s like the Glouster Fisherman, off to the sea.)
Woke not w/the 4.45 alarm, but at 5.56. Why? Don’t know. Had delusions of “art” before day-break, in the silence before the dawn. Right. – Went back to sleep to the mumble of TV and screaming of drunks… round about mid-night. Thoughts of atropa: where, when, how, why, what. A beach chair on the sand bar. (Off to the loo already!)
(PostTime: 6.40) And so, in the world, the sun has risen. In this chambre, the lampe is lit. – Before sleep last night, a mad spiral into darkness. A mind floating on nothing, into an abys of blackness. A martini of atropa-infused vodka. The pleasure of lounging as the tide rose up from the great Atlantic. And off, under a wave, out to sea… to the open sea… paralysed… to sleep… to die, and rock helplessly, silently, peacefully on the rolling waters. Surrendering to the open sky. Out, out, farther and farther and farther still. Then… sinking below the surface. Out of sight. Drifting down, and away from the land of oppression, despair, torture and terror. Disappearing into a world known only to those who’ve gone there before; battles at sea, fishermen taken, passengers of the Titanic. Deeper into silene and peace far below the surface. So much better than the possibility of noise, of vibrations from foot-steps or the muffled voices… the hundreds of kilometres of silent waters. PEACE. The thoughts that brought me to night’s sleep, the temporary closeness of nightly death. The finality of the end. – Momentarily, my mind rebelled. Momentarily. But then… sleep, darkness, deafness, sleep. And… I woke. Another day. Here I am again. – And the “Belladonna” infuses, from the berry into the clarity of the liquour… daily, daily, daily… a toast to the insanity that is “life” and “the world”… the torture that is… “Creation”… and the “reward”, the “prize” that is the Peace… of Death. – I am not afraid.
(PostTime: 22.10) Well, I didn’t get to T7 until about 13h. Didn’t get my arse out of bed until almost noon! But the weather was a delight, the after-noon, a charm. Penelope got a little drunk and danced w/me as Gary sang “Summer Wind”. – When she left I went to CW5, got to the beach (in my trunks), dropped bags, took off shirt/flip-flops, walked directly in and dove. IT WAS SO REFRESHING! No waves. Low tide. But nothing nibbling and the water, warmer than the breeze. I truly didn’t want to leave… the water. Stayed until about 18.30. Changed in the shrubry. NAKED in the Bakfort! Tonight I even climbed 406! So very beautiful up there… alone. On my walk out, my mind and body drifted on the breeze when Jacqline and husband offered a lift to 116. I accepted. – Came in to paper being thrown from the porch and mayhem. (I’ve stomped and tossed mallet a few times.) – 311 doesn’t take calls on littering as it happens! The woman did take my wrath though. – Franks, beans, cin.buns for dinner. – Rang Penelope after sun-set. – Am having V8/vodka (and too much pepper!) and, only 4 cigs for the morning, will hopefully get to sleep VERY soon! – Haven’t showered and won’t. I feel fine… with the sea-salt. (Trunks and towel hanging to dry.) – Shavuah tov fm Schmulik. Sent him a photo fm 406. – The mayhem seems to have stopped… for now. IT BETTER BE DONE FOR THE NIGHT. If not, I’ll go for cigs. and call the police directly tonight. Somehow I’ve NO tolerance… and after such a beautiful evening at the beach. – Another msg fm Schm. At this hr. No time. Time for… S.L.E.E.P.

15.Aug:
(PostTime: 3.44) Don’t ask. 3.30. I woke. I’m awake (I think; I’ll have to check-back later on that). No dreams. No noise (that I can recall). Just woke, ready to get up. Having coffee and a smoke (3 left). I SUPPOSE I could do some art with this time. I can shower, go to get cigs at DuaneReade. I could just lie back down. (I think I’ll be going to the loo in short time.) Don’t ask.
(PostTime: 7.07) Napped from 6-7. And, of course, did NOT want to wake again at 7. But it’s time to begin this cloudy day (shower and get cigs AND car-fare for the coming week). NOW I feel TIRED. Of course. Well, here we go….
(PostTime: 20.54) It is, of course, 20.32 on a work night. The TV next door is, of course, mumbling through the wall. The scum, of course, is in the porch, and, of course, they’re drunk and yelling. It is, of course, a typical work-night in Bedkam.
I, unusually, have been slamming doors, dropping objects on the floor, talking loudly on the phone. I, no longer give a shit.
This morning I had to shower in the east loo. A piece of green soap stuck to my soap-case. As I blotted it in my towel, the soap stuck to my towel.. GREEN STAIN! I left it to soak for the day. When I came in, dead tired, I had to wash it… in the basin. It’s hanging on the rack.
But it was a delightful day other-wise. When I left here (doors a-slammi’), I went to RiteAid for smokes. They open at 9! It was just 8. Walked to Waldbaums for my old lunch: roll, bottled coffee, Buddig turkey. DuaneReade for smokes. Caught the Q35 immediately. Got to Tilden by about 9.00. Penelope in her glory. Matt’s exhibit on. Stephie came by. We 3 sat talking. She was interested in the Bakfort. As I was telling her about Sully HE CAME WALKING UP THE RAMP! WOW! It’s SO MAGNIFICENT to talk to somebody who KNOWS The Fort (and refers to bldgs by number)! He spoke of the tunnel and under-ground bunker… and ak-ak and such. I took Stephie into 411, 408 and TO 511. She took photos. – As we walked: BEACH PLUMS! W. and S. of 410! Pear tree at 511..Loads of plums!
(Time to pass out. HOPEFULLY tolsleep!)
More in the morning.

16.Aug:
(PostTime: 6.25) (I’M TIRED!) (THE MORONS KEPT YELLING IN THE HALL UNTIL AFTER 23h.)
DREAM: I was living w/an ambiguous Bradshaw-Zur combination person and was leaving him. It was my choice to move out. He was sarcastic, and arrogant. It was raining/overcast through the dream. As I left for work this morning, he nastily said “You don’t have to leave.” and “You’re doing this because YOU want to, y’know.” I got on the up-town Jerome-Woodlawn to Kingsbridge Rd. As the train aporoached, a HUGE part of the roof of the Armory had been blown off. I remembered a news report of tornado. Got off the train. The platform was all wood, being re-constructed. There was almost no traffic on Jerome. The area had been closed to everybody. I worked in the Armory. Had to climb wood stairs that were rickety, put up as emergency just to let crews get around. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there but I had to work. There were lights in office spaces but the stairs were very dark. I navigated by “feel”. Couldn’t find the next stairway going down. A young woman came down behind me. I waited and followed her. Had to get some files from a cabinet and bring them up-stairs. A woman supervisor, laughing and singing w/another employee. They mocjked me. I had to hold the files in one arm and climb the loose stairs, holding the rail w/one hand. I was nervous but managed. – On the recording stage of Carol Burnette. Everything was red: Stage, props, her clothes, guest’s clothes. Hazy. She said (to camera) “We’ll be back with more from this dusty, red tea-pot.” and laughed. 2 red Xmas balls, tied tog. w/red ribbon, on the floor. – I wasn’t supposed to be there but kept working as though I was supposed to be. Kept trying to make people think I was part of the staff. – Woke fm. the dream w/the alarms.
(PostTime: 6.40) Yesterday… Quite an abundance of beach plums all over the Fort! At 410 on the Ranger Rd. One branch over the top of the fence. A few bushes by 401. Stephie said she’d noticed them along the Cement Rd. (Ev said it might be due to all the rain earlier this Summer and the hot, humid season.) The apples on the tree by 401 are grossly deformed! Stephie and I thought “radioactivity”. She mentioned Chernobyl. She took photos. – When we left T7, she drove me to 116! – I got new MetroCard, came back to Bedlam. – All I wanted to eat was soup. I have none. Didn’t want to cook. Too tired! Rang Moe/Ev. Said I’d stopped by to check the tyre (to put Moe’s mind at ease). We talked a while. Then rang Penelope. Talked til about 20h. I ate peanut-butter/cream cheese… just to eat something. (Had eaten my sandwich at T7.) – Washed the dishes, tried to settle in bed. – Jose7 and Phil yelling in the hall and on the porch even at 20.30. That kept up until 23h.
(PostTime: 6.58) 60% heavy rain today. I’m still very tired from yesterday. Have to go to PIC this morning. May just as well try to see what can be salvaged there. Would rather not. But am looking at it like going to the Shelter: don’t want to, but don’t care what comes. If good? Fine. If not? Fine. It’s only people. – The rain means no bunkers today. I would like to go to the library, get new scrub-bottoms. Well… – 16 Aug. already. I’m waiting to hear “Do you intend to pay the rent?” I don’t like this situation but when I can’t get sleep at night, the showers are being peed in, the sewage is bubbling up the sink… Yes, I want to move. No, I can’t afford to just yet. No, I shouldn’t be FORCED out.
AND… Atropa in the fridge. Always the way out.
Time… to get today’s act on the road. I’m not quite ready for my close-up, Mr. DeVille.
(PostTime: 18.15) *** HELL BREAKS LOOSE! ***
All went TOO well at PIC this morning. I arr’d by 9.45. Connly is quite the nice guy. Took me to the spvsrs. personnaly, I met Sharma, GOT WORK on The Blvd. B133rd, 13-17h x5days! BINGO! – Yes, this cuts into time w/Moe, but since they didn’t really DO anything to help me at PIC, I’ll not worry too much. The job’s walking distance… up the boards. More on the job to follow.
OK. Came back to Bedlam, stopped at KeyFood for coffee and meat, &c. In to eat bkfst cereal and walk to work.
BEAUTIFUL house! Nice couple. NANCY’s C.O.C.! The “old” team (but fm when I worked Premier and came fm the Shelter every day).
The pt. and wife… CATHOLIC! 23 grand kids. 5 came to visit. And NOT very kind. I was all but ignored/dismissed when I left… IN A HAMMERING, SNAP-LIGHTNING DELUGE!. But… I’ve no plans to get “cozy” w/these folks. (I temd to think they’re a bit “off” anyway.)
SO! Their phone rings as I’m on duty. PIC to make certain I’m there and confirm I’m permanent. (O JOY!)
MY phone rings. I don’t recognise the name. With Mrs.’ permission, I check my voice-mail:
1. Bob T’s daughter, Sharry; Bob died Saturday! Funeral tomorrow!
2. Penelope; Stephie and she at T7 wondering where I am. I’d left a msg at 11h!
3. JAMES MILLER. Didn’t rec. 2 months’ rent. “You have to pay my rent. Call me, let me know if there’s a problem.” RIGHT!
FINALE? BANG! I GET TO STAND ACROSS THE BLVD IN THE DELUGE AND LIGHTNING WAITIMG FOR THE BUS! LIGHTNING WAS FIERCE! RAIN CAME THROUGH THE UMBRELLA! THE BLVD WAS A BROOK!
At Bedlam? Phil and Jose on the porch (getting drunk… what’s new?) and NOW I’ve got Spicshit yammering in the hall and in and out of his room!
I’m really tired, really must eat, really don’t want to. But… am waiting to hear fm Ev, Penelope, Stephie…
(PostTime: 20.28) Phil’s brat is running amok, screaming in the hall, right outside my door. The mallet’s been tossed several times already. I was about to report him to CPS but that office was closed and a call to 911 is inappropriate. But this is out of hand. I’m exhausted! This is different from the Shelter ONLY in as much as THIS SHELTER CHARGES RENT for the abuse! I’d like to have a light drink and read. I don’t dare have a drink because my anger would rise. I can’t read because I can’t concentrate. If I’m to get into any studies for Nursing, I HAVE to MOVE OUT OF HERE! FK! Studies or not… I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! THIS is NOT how I’ll spend my time, short or long.
Spoke w/Ev. Assured her I’ll be there when Moe goes for surgery. (I’ll be paid more by them.) She’s talking “vacation” in Waubeeka in Sept. I’m included. I might not hold out that long at this rate.
When Mrs. E. (today’s pt.) mentioned a studio in the house being rented to non-family, I was almost hopeful. When the 5 spores showed I knew that wasn’t the answer. But Nancy’s on the case. She lives in BH. I can put out word w/her… and hope?

17.Aug:
(PostTime: 7.37) Spoke w/Ev last eve. I told her she can count on my availability when Moe goes into hospital. She was relieved and said Moe is already obsessing over it. Even to the point of not being able to arrange Access A Ride. Well, for me the money is better w/them. PIC is less than 30$/4hrs. For M&E even 4 hrs. is 40. And I truly-surely NEED income. – Penelope rang last night. She, Steph, Steph’s friend and Brian got trapped at T7 in that storm yesterday. At 17h they were still at Tilden! I could have gone there for a reprieve. Says P.: NEVER seen such a storm in her life-time! The lightning or that “crackle” of thunder. It was frighteningly unique. – She won’t be at Tilden today… but she’s always said Tues. is JR’s “other girl-friend day”. Since I won’t be there, she won’t go. Silly. And another one deoending on me. I don’t like that. – The chaos/mayhem from Phil and cie. stopped by 22h. No consolation. That brat needs to go and this house needs to be returned to dignity. I don’t know how Nrs. 2&3 put up w/it. – This morning I’m certainly NOT looking forward to going to work. IF that guy simply takes a swing at me, I’m OUT! No more Guadagno! WTF? A jib in a nice house, 15min walking dist. and I have to work in terror… again. Well, it won’t be another Albert Green either. (Nor a Fishbein for that matter.) I’ll do what I can and what I must and leave. Period. No extras. No frills. (What a way to start the day.) – As for rent? I want to see what a judge will do with this place, and IF it will get to court. I doubt they’ll (D./JM.) do stoopid. WHY FIGHT? I’ve little other choice now. (Atropa Martini)
(PostTime: 7.59) Today is Bob’s funeral. I would like to go, be supportive of Barbara. But you know? I think of it as the 2nd little whammy: When Domenico went on Hospice and into hospital, Maria all but told me to back off. THEN rang to say he’d died. When Bob went into Hospice, Barbara did pretty much the very same thing (only in a kinder fashion). So maybe… no… really, I learn to accept the “closure” for what it is. Now, I wonder… Ev? I doubt I’ll be shoved away from Moe. But I have time to prep for that. I hope it won’t come to that though.
Oh. Schmulik. Msg this morning. “Key lime” scrubs. Prev. msg., black scrubs. Doesn’t like the lume. Black is “hot”. He’s into the med.look. IF there was any particular interest in ‘me’ and the scrubs, I’d be obliging. But his little game of cat’n’mouse killed that chance. I haven’t responded to these msgs. Alas, poor Schmulik; I know too well… “After all, you’re the one that got away.” said he of me. And when I told him of how I pined, his game began. I’m much too old and time much too short for this. I am alone, not desperate, and not interested in play-time.
(PostTime: 10.56) Napped 9.30-10.30. Cereal. Coffee. The place was quiet, save the tremours of the bed… I think they’re putting in pilings for the construction up the block. It’s vibrating the house. “Magic Fingers”. Just like the old cheap taudry hotels of yore… like this one is becoming. And now, lazies and germs, another delightful day in beatitudful Belle Harbor (no “u”, you’ll kindly note… too classy, that.)
(PostTime: 18.57) Anyone who is super-religious has a serious sicial problem. Jews, indeed. Catholics in particular. And Mrs. has burnt out over the years of handling Mr. Today we hauled him (at 16h of course) to the commode. He’d been a delight w/me all day. Even asked me if I’d like some yoghurt as I fed him. He was a wonder when I xfered him fm chair to commode. But SHE’s so accustomed to doing solo that she tends to be gruff. I softly, calmly said that I wouldn’t have handled it that way and SHE immediately said that I shouldn’t feel obligated to come back. I clarified and said it was entirely up to her but asked that she call the office in the morning so I knew early enough. We parted w/”See you tomorrow.” – WELL! The bus back was quite full. Nice weather but HYOOMID! – I’ve eaten (cheddar soup/corn flakes), washed 2 shirts, spoken w/Penelope. – I’m figuring the shit will be hitting the halls in about an hour or so. Weather permitting, I might take a drink to the beach tonight when the arse-heads begin their psychotics. Maybe park on a life-guard bench, chat w/Penelope. – I’d like to ring Barbara but am not sure. Will ring Ev… just to keep in touch.
(PostTime: 21.32) I do not like cranberry in my vodka. Not even white cranberry. Not even a little cranberry w/tonic. But… I made it; I drink it.
Spoke at length with Moe this eve. Gave him the reinforcement that I will be there for him. He and Ev are SO appreciative. MY MAMA LIVES ON AS A GREAT WOMAN!
Today was Bob’s funeral. I’ll call tomorrow, make a shiva call when possible.
Penelope told me I’m the only person she’s spoken to in 24hrs. We made plans for Friday:
8.00 We meet at Tilden. I help her move back to T6. We go to the beach, I get a swim. Back at T6, I shower, we have coffee, she works. We have lunch.
12.15/30 I get the bus to work.
What a day! (Let’s hope.)
The house managed quiet this eve. I didn’t have to leave. I’m a bit hungry. Could use a shower. But want to read Salinger tonight.
I wonder what kind of shit will be tried by Denise and Jim Miller. I notice Phil is not speaking to me now. Haven’t heard fm Barbara in the longest. No doubt D. has something to do with that. I DO NOT CARE!
And the TV in 7 mumbles through the wall as KHRNY plays disco/house.
(PostTime: 22.57) If you wait lomg enough, stay alert/awake in the world long enough, the World will punish you, torment and torture you. – Page 34 of “Franny and Zooey”. KHRNY came back on. I was away from here. Hebrew in the air. Non-USA/Americam music. I was away. I was escaped. The US was a vague memory. I was reading Salinger. English was a foreign language. I was calm, peaceful. The US was another world and a displaced time long-ago passed. Then… “veshuvikhem” or what-ever it is came over the air. The LP from the library in that place I can’t even get my-self to spell here. That house in the “better” sub-urb. The foundation panneled-over, the wooden shelf, full of my books. Witch-craft, French. The Israeli LP. “The Almond Country”. “… eretz Israel efah, eretz Israel kohrakhah…” Theodore Bikel. Night. I dove into the music. I left the fright and misery. HE would come, at any moment, storm into the room, bent on my murder. I’d be in another world, another language, another mind, another body. I’d be un-reachable, un-touchable. HE couldn’t find me where I was. And tonight, for a while, I was in Montreal, Tel Aviv… but HE found me. – If you stay long enough, stay awake, lucid long enough, the World will find you… HE will find you… and pain will come, thrashing with-in… if you stay awake long enough… too long.
(PostTime: 23.02) 23.00 exact. Arabic. Salinger. Another drink. Silence. I NEED, SO MUCH, TO GET AWAY… AGAIN! AGAIN!
(PostTime: 23..34) “Franny” finished. “Zooey” begun. Only 2 pages. I’ll re-start it… IF the shit residing here allows me to even continue reading. I’m reading again! Salinger… AGAIN! I’m feeling litterate, literary again! I want to walk the beach… listen to songs that take me away… bring me back… the cold pool at G’s, the Washinton Lake reservoir, Dennis. I want to go back there. I want “us” to go back there. (rikdim on the radio… I know this song) I WANT TO GO BACK! Atropa Belladonna in the fridge. WHY am I still here? WHY does it follow me… across the bay, across all this land and WATER? My life us re-written. HOW does it follow me? HOW?

18.Aug:
(PostTime: 8.48) 2 doors down (up) they’re poundin pilings for a new office bldg. and this house is rockin’! Stuff has fallen off the dresser. I think about the shelves over the bed (over my head). I think about the pitch of the house, the rotted timbres under the 3rd floor shower, the fact that it’s sometimes difficult to open/close my door. And then? I think I should grab a nap before going off to Belle Harbor to see what I might accomplish. There’s more laundry on the rack and work this after-noon. I’m accomplishing. The skies are grey. A nap is in order… as the bed vibrates.
(PostTime: 11.53) These morning hours are the worst. Anticipatory anxiety hours. Personal confrontation r/t rent. I don’t want verbal intercourse out of court. And I don’t need the aggrevation!
Interesting 12 hours: went to sleep after reading Salinger, have been reading (trying to find, on the Net) info on tx for stroke-related aggression. SO cerebral! What a waste. I want to work w/Bill, to improve independence and communication. Something tells me he won’t be another Guadagno farce. I could really be totally off base here. But not trying means never knowing. So I do my homework. And if I’m successful? It does me no other benefit than knowing I’ve made life better for more people who’ll never appreciate it. Is this “altruistic” or simple stupidity? (I suspect it’s the latter.) It certainly doesn’t pay the rent or any other dues. Aah but WTF? Eh? Mum would do the same. I do it to honour her and her name. There are many people, in places she’s never been, who admire her, tremendously. No statue. No plaque. No litterary mention. But in the minds and hearts of many, she’s got more respect and honour than the most-mentioned glamour-gods in human hx. So off I go, into another day, on my crusade for my Mum!
(PostTime: 22.23) And the plot thickens (Kendal Otway)… 4 hrs of TV and a little back-scratching. But I’m beginning to notice a pattern of abuse. Probably due to burn-out. Shaving w/a razor, 2 hands to hold the head, restraining with the body. He only reacts violently when abruptly approached (by her). He slept most of the 4 hrs today. The left arm is bruised. She admitted I’d find the shaving methodology unacceptable. I’m noticing his facial expressions when he looks at her. I’m noticing her tone, her expressions, her body language. Ev suggested I’m his 4 hrs of safety, security, peace. Mrs doesn’t seem to leave me alone in the house w/him. I see her telling me that I don’t have to come next wk. We’ll see. – PIC offered me a morning 4hr in Far Rock. I can’t take it because of the bus! I’d leave here at 6.30 to start at 8.00 and wouldn’t get done and back until about 18.30. AND, at what becomes about 6$/hr? LESS when union dues and benefit co-pay is deducted. Even Ev found it suspicious that “suddenly” they have male cases… IN ROCKAWAY! Hmmm.
Spoke w/Sharry today. She and Barbara are doing well. Tomorrow evening I’ll make a shiva call. Bring cheese cake fm Waldbaums.
Spoke w/Penelope. This photo exhibit is seething in politics. I’m preparing to wage war. I offered to bring M&E on Sun. but P. says it’s down on Sun. One NIGHT? Strange.
OK. I’m going to read Zooey tonight before sleep. I’ve had cramps/runs today. Only 1 cream cheese/peanut butter to eat. Need some sleep for tomorrow.
22.20 TV mumbling in 7(Orlando… not Jose). Tromping in the hall. Bedlam at it’s “best”. I need to hold out for court.
OH! Moe to surgery 14.Sept. confirmed. I’ll be there for them… confirmed… no matter what.
(PostTime: 23.26) I just hope that one day – preferably when we’re both blind drunk – we can talk about it.
Buddy
Zooey
J.D. Salinger
(PostTime: 23.38) In a strictly Salingerian manner, I am compelled to report, immediately, that I have no right nor justification for being awake (and un-showered) at this hour and, upon suddenly, and for no intelligent or other-wise explainable reason, discovering that the interior aspect of my navel was encrusted with an unidentifiable white substance, I have cleaned it thoroughly with cotton swab and antifungal cream. It has returned to a lovely and healthy flesh colour. However, the contents previously there-in mandate future attention be paid to this particular matter in the name and cause of good and proper hygiene. (Imagine my disgust and chagrin!)
Now, I remember 55, 2010, 30Aug. and Atropa-vodka martini in the fridge.
Back to Buddy’s lettre and then (since Orlando’s TV just now went silent at 23.37) to try for some sleep tonight!

19.Aug:
(PostTime: 8.31) 8 bells (and change) and all’s another day. No piling-driving (yet?) this morning. No “MajikFingerz” on the bed as the house vibrates and things tumble. Now we wait to see what happens when one vibrates a sand-bar 2 blocks wide.
“Hello, Noah? About the ark. What’s that? Access-A-Raft?”
(Noah… the bldg. owner. How apprapos.)
The blue DHS fleece is hanging to dry. I’ve cleaned a few e-mail accounts. It’s rather calm in Bedlam this morning (the slugs have yet to wake). I’ve still got no appetite and am concerned about weight loss. Occupied w/the new pt. and Ms. D. and party, income, and the likes. I’m about due for a mental shut-down. Bowels irritable. Passing the time. This evening is Barbara. Tomorrow morn is Tilden. Must ask M&E if they’d prefer the opening on Saturday evening. Will have to break Shabbat (sun-set at 19.46… opening at 19h.). Moe to surg. on 14.Sept. Will the idiots here follow the law or pull some under-handed crap? Will it fall on day/days when I’m quite other-wise occupied? Ah, the thoughts of morning in a sea-side village. I truly MUST get OUT of THIS HOUSE! – Need a visit to the loo soon. – The day commences. I, on the other hand, do not.
(PostTime: 22.21) I just ATE! Salmon salad on a ROLL, chips and jardeniere. And, at 21.50, light vodka-tonic-limeade. I DESERVE THE DRINK! (And Orlando’s TV’s mumbling AND MY RADIO IS UP: Schlomo mishahoo: MonoMono and I don’t care!) ARIK SINAI! Inasichbah! B’SEDER! Hahdberld eggs on for tomorrow. But the fking water won’t berl! FK!
OK. So I didn’t want to go to work, but I went. Diane pulled a 16.00 comode threat. Bill’s forearm was gashed (from this morning’s shave ordeal, no doubt). He slept a lot. I watched TV at the ready. I declined tea (since I wouldn’t get it anyway). At 17h I bolted, rang Ev. (Penelope tells me that Yuri’s thing is only Sat. night! Moe, Ev and I were planning to see it Sunday! Fking RAA! Fking Russians!) But we’ll go by noon on Sunday and hope it will still be hanging. I spoke w/Ev AS I got on the bus at B133, off at B112, came in, changed clothes, left the house, walked to Waldbaums, got the cheese cake (5$ off… 12$), paid and left Waldbaums. – Q53 to 157Av, walked to Barbara’s, talking w/Penelope all the way.
(22.08 the eggs are perfect. Not black. Rockaway cooking: heat water, add eggs, leave on heat x15mins. Turn off heat. Leave eggs add’l 15mins. Hahdberld. 30fking mins.)
A full house at Barbara’s! I met the ganza mischpucha. Even Bob’s Mum. EVERYbody knew (of) me! Chit-chat and schmooz-schmooz. Somebody ordered Chinese (ribs). Smelled delish. Everybody offered. I wouldn’t dare. Nothing to eat x2/3 days… then pork? AND the bus back? I said I’d been eating all day w/a pt. Left about 19.30 fm about 18.15. Walked down 92nd to DuaneReade for cigs. speaking w/Penelope all the way. At 20.20 the Q21 back. Chat w/a woman fm B126 about the decline of Rockaway. Off at B116, to Waldbaums, hoping for a chicken. ONE left. Settled for the dinner menu. – Now? I’m just too wound for sleep. And the drink isn’t working.
I’m out of vit.C now too! MORE $ that I don’t have. AND I think the restaurant next door will be opening again! Their a/c is by my window! TIME IS NOW TO GET THE FK OUT!
(PostTime: 22.35) So, Penelope says Thomas is working steady lately. He went to Tilden one day during the week when nobody was there. Penelope says he’s depressed these days. Part of me says: I could take his mind off that. Part of me remembers how kind he was when I was in need. Part of me says: I’m depressed too… but nobody knows about it. He’s a delightful phantasie that will stay as such… for EVERY reason.
Now, I’ll try tolstay in touch w/Barbara for the next while. Everyone will disappear and she’ll be alone. I know what that’s like… alone. She shouldn’t.
Well:
Friday: Tilden and Penelope at 8h. Work til 17h. LOOOooong day.
Saturday: Tilden and Penelope durung the day. Photo opening at 19h.
Sunday: Moe and Ev at 11h, to Tilden and then….?
Monday… it will be work until 17h then get Moe and Ev to take them to KewGdns for Moe’s mamogram and doppler.
Meanwhile, all the while, I expect some illegal bullshit from the folks here at Bedlam.
Ah well. Once again: I’m residing where I wanted and I’m being screwed one way and the other… AND I’M NOT ENJOYING IT!
(PostTime: 22.37) ONE MORE DRINK FOR THE ROAD TO DREAM-LAND!
(But not the Atropa-martini just yet.)

20.Aug:
(PostTime: 5.29) KHRNY IS ROCKIN’ THIS MORNING. AND… I’m awake. TIRED! But awake. The 4 days of non-stop begin. THIS is NOT how I saw August happening this year. I’m “needed”, I’ve been “encouraged”. I’m being kept “busy”. I wanted to be peaceful and calm. It’s a strange, strange wirld we live in, Master Jack. (4 Jacks and a Jill)
(PostTime: 14.49) TODAY’S ERHARD:
1. Jason and I discussed whether you’re able to handle Bill with-out the Hoyer.
2. Jason goes to the gym.
3. MEN ARE IN THEIR PRIME BETWEEN 20 AND 25. IT’S ON THE INTERNET. LOOK IT UP.
(PostTime: 16.16) She’s sleeping. He’s sleeping. I’m EXHAUSTED AND FED RIGHT THE FK UP! And if course, NOW they wake! Oh well…
(PostTime: 23.01) Ave U/Nostrand
(PostTime: 23.37) A 45 MINUTE WAIT AT FLATBUSH FOR A FKING Q53 AND STILL NO BUS!
(PostTime: 21Aug: 1.05) 20Aug.Fri: I left Bedlam at about 7.30 this morning. (We see by the post date/time, it was just past 24h as I passed the B116 train stn. I came in, took off my scrubs, put on my shorts, grabbed soap and towel, showered. Passed Phil in the hall, he too in a towel. Hmm.) And so…
Tilden by 8h. and right to work, relocating P. to T6. But the stench in there was so that I mopped the floor (Clorox Cleanup) for almost TWO hours! SCHWITZ! OY! By about 11.30 I had 2/3 eggs (P. actually had one, I’m so pleased) and suddenly, it was time to go.
BTW: TODAY, AT 13h THEY DID THE ACCEPTANCE FOR “ART SPLASH”! I’M OUT OF THIS EXHIBIT NOW TOO. So much for the “help” with that. Fked yet again.
*P. drove me to work!
I’ve already noted that bullshit saga and won’t get into it again. If I’m not feeling any better about it Monday morning, I’ll call the agency on it.
Txt fm Schmulik during work. Invite to have a beer! Hmmm. Whilst waiting for the bus to Bklyn, I rang him. He said we’ll talk “tomorrow after-noon”. Shabbat? Any choshev shello.
Meanwhile, I decided to go to Walgreens/Gerritsen after worklfor vit.C and cigs. Much easier, 2 busses, than the 3 to OzonePk. WOW! Completely PACKED Q35! Beachasses from Bklyn! Waited a small eternity for the Q35 but immed. B3. Got my items and immed. B3 back.
Passing Marine Park I rang P. She’d just gotten in from her walk. Well…
*As I got to E23rd SHE INVITED ME TO THE HOUSE FOR DINNER! DING! I’M OFF THE BUS AND CROSSING THE PARK BACK TO HER HOUSE! HOW WONDERFUL! I NEVER EXPECTED SUCH A THING!
Pasta w/2 Greek salads and we split a beer. Frozen yoghurt for dessert.
*AND A TOUR OF THE ENTIRE HOUSE!
I’ll have to continue this after some sleep. But before I stop…
THANK YOU PENELOPE, WITH AND FROM ALL MY HEART AND SOUL… FOR THE GIFT OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP! (I left there at about 22.40.)
(PS. Her husband was truly handsome, her boy were too. I’d’ve fallen for Manny. Dean was SO TALENTED! She was nothing short of divinely elegant.)

21.Aug:
(9.04! Slept through the alarm at 6.) Is there enough time to do all I want to do with this day? Probably not. We’ll fudge it…
Went to sleep w/out any creams or stuff on face or other-wise. Just “clean”… like years past.
So, I still can’t believe last night! It just impresses me so much, the invitation, tour, the time. The house is as I would have my own… FULL of art (painting, sculpture, glass, beading), and, as I understood… left as it was the day the family left. Even a neck-tie on the sofa. Our spirits are of the same stuff. Strange how the world brings certain people together. And Dean’s art work! The paintings are magnificent! Large, wonderful skies, glazes, colours. Some are Oriental. One of the Fire Island shore is light, open, inviting. Just wonderful. The sculptures that P. was working on when I “dropped” from life into the Shelter were there… finished. I finally got to see them. They brought memories. (And the glass-works I priced at over 1k$? Patrick agreed with my price… and he has the shop on The Blvd.)(OK. I like to be right.)
When I left, walking down Bedford, I thought: Heading to Ave.U at 22.30, for a bus in Bklyn: WHO would have ever thought that I would evef do such a thing? My life was The Bronx! My “Bklyn” was Brighton. My world has changed so much.
As I waited for the bus on Ave.U, the notion: If what she says is true, that she opens her-self to me more than to anybody, and the relative age similarity of her sons/me, our Friendship… my death would rip her to shreads. It would be such a cruelty against her. I’m trapped in life now… for the plain fact that I can’t inflict that pain on her.
Penelope has become Friend, confidante, mother, mate… I’m a bit annoyed w/me to have allowed myself to do this and blessed that it’s happened. IF there are reasons for such happenings, I wonder what they are. (I MUST GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! A CAR WENT BY, LOUD MUFFLER… I WAS STARTLED BY IT. NERVES!)

22.Aug:
(PostTime: 7.06) Strange… I thought I’d made an entry last night for yesterday. But this morning there’s none. Did I do so in my sleep? It was a terrible ending, and I did have several glasses of wine, then a vodka-tonic. Hmmm…
Well; let’s try it here this morning.
21August.Saturday:
By about 10, I was out the door and waiting for the bus in front of the house. As I waited, Ms.D. started to put up a banner, in the window down-stairs. “For Rent”. Bright orange plastic. She was wearing what looked like pink pajama/under-wear, saw me, stopped and disappeared. Good. – The bus was late, as usual, and I didn’t get to T6 until almost 11. But there was Penelope… working away. – It was a “keep busy” day. She worked on her stone. I cleared the back yard of T6 (something I’d sworn I’d never do again). By 16.30 Penelope and I went to T7 to set-up for Yuri’s exhibit and by 17.15 we were done. But we got to see the portraits if us that Yuri chose to exhibit. The lighting on P’s showed every line in her face. The skin on her hands looked as if it was dripping off the bone! Mine! Over-developed, white. The angle made me look skeletal. Others, those of the “clique”, were very flattering. (Yuri insists he didn’t “touch-up” any of them. Even P. knew better.) We were both, disgusted. But it was done…
P. was hungry so we drove over to Kate’s. P. got Am.cheese/mayo on rye (3,99$… almost 1lb. cheese!) I got a bittle of Manhattan Special soda (3,15$!) and we came back to T6 where I found KHRNY on the radio, set the little plastic table up and we had a little dinner together. IT WAS DEE-LIGHTFUL.
At about 18h-something, Schmulik rang. I didn’t take the call (for several reasons incl.: It was still Shabbat, something he should know and yet disrespected; I was in no mood for frivolous chit-chat on subjects I’ve no particular interest in; or suggestive schmooz; or suggestion that he “might” want to come to Rockaway OR that we should meet for a beer; or just what-ever).
(PostTime: 7.38) (21stAug.continues…) 19.10 P. and I went to T7. The Beginning of The End began. Many, many people attended. Even the likes if Liz and Apryl Green were there. Many whom I’ve never liked, particularly due to their arrogance and pomposity. As I walked in the door, a stranger comes to me: “You’re on that wall!” and points in the direction of my photo. What REALLY killed: Chris Preston says to me “He (Yuri) captures and brings out the inner self of his subject.” I over-hear Sophia tell Penelope “He’s magnificent! The portraits are wonderful!” (She told P. that she-Penelope- looked younger in her portrait!) Some woman told me that mine was an amazing capture of me and my “essence”. Well, the absolute bullshit deepened with every passing moment! Truthfully, the only portraits that flattered were those of anyone in the “private entourage”. And if Yuri didn’t “Photoshop the likes of Killian, Hartenstein, Rawlings, &c., I’m the hottest number to strike all of humanity since BEFORE The Big Bang.
Matt and Kristen attended. They were rather aloof. Sophia and Mandy (other-wise cordial) blew me off. The “pot luck” food was quite impressive and NOTHING like RAA fare. The entire affair was PRETENSE, SELF-PROMOTING, ENGRANDISEMENT. I mean… WOW! It was DISgusting!
(TB arrived. My heart went a-flutter. But watching him, I came to where I now fully accept the reality of my folly.)
When P. and I left, she dropped me at the bus. It was after 20.30 and dark already. She was in bad spirit, as was I. However, hers was more about the 20$ and Jose not visiting than much else. But the events of the exhibit didn’t make matters any the better.
She left. The bus came. About 7 or 8 JASA.Rooskies from the exhibit were on the bus, each with some card or info from the evening.
I got in about 21h to the usual clatter of Bedlam. P. rang shortly after.
She was exceptionally down in spirits! Talking of not going back to Tilden, leaving RAA, &c. I encouraged her to get over it, take it for what she enjoys of Tilden…

(PostTime: 8.15) Remove RAA and the night’s experience from it. It’s Tilden, peace, tranquility. She’s too focused on her little phantasy of/with Jose and her disappointment there. She never had the opportunity in her lufe to experience the failures of phantasies and it will be difficult for her now. And I can’t help but think: SHE pays her 35$ dues and in return gets: a work studio where she keeps her materials AND work, KEYS to BOTH studio AND gallery, has her work on exhibit through-out its development, and so much more. Yet, she’ll dump it because her little romance has ticked her off. Well… it is what it is and will be what it will be. I’m saddened by and sorry for her pain. But I expect her to come to terms w/it all… as I have done… now and many times before.
After several glasses of several wines at Tilden, a vodka-tonic in bed. MY day was done.

(PostTIme: 8.22) THIS morning: 22 years ago. 10.30. I received the word at 23.45. The end of an era. The end of a Life. Today, rainy, over-cast. I’m laundering. I’m tired. Soon I’ll get Moe and Ev, take them out for the day. I’ll bring them some enjoyment… in the name of my Mother and Truly Best Friend.
It does NOT get “better”. It simply gets “different”.
(PostTime: 10.23) Walked out the door and into the rain. Stomach is bad. But the fact is: Moe & Ev will be happy to get out of their place and Penelope will be happy to see them. So today, in my Mother’s name, 3 people will be happier.
(I feel as if I’d been struck with a blunt instrument… full body.)
23.38 The car is parked. The chicken is frying. I’m having my vodka-tonic. Streets are flooded. But the moon is shining (in spots). And Penelope won’t be at Tilden in the morning (when I could DRIVE out at my leisure!). The day is done and Moe & Ev had a great day out. (And again I told them: thank my Mother.)
I got to M&E at 11h but we never left until almost noon and didn’t arrive at T6 until almost 13h. We were supposed to be there at 11.30-11.45! They’re sweet people but slow and not too considerate. – Penelope looked WONDERFUL! She was having lunch when we arrived. She and they chatted a bit and we went to T7 to see the photos. Moe actually said that hers was a terribly inconsiderate insult to her (but didn’t tell her that). OK. Agreed. Yuri got me and I signed mine and his shirt. I don’t think he saw the e-mail I sent him last night. Anyway… It POURED, on and off today. But all told? WONDERFUL day at Tilden. And the conversations of Moe, Ev and Penelope were fantastic! They talked international travels and had so much in common! It was a delight to listen to them! – We all left at 16h. I went down to the beach at 169th. THE WAVES WERE SO INVITING! And I just drove to the end as if I owned the place (figuring Jose wouldn’t mind, should we get stipped). – Ev was hungry but didn’t quite recall our trip along the peninsula so I did a little tour, including some bungalows, Arverne and OV (their first HHA’s home).
MY GASTON IS BEING DESTROYED! THEY’RE BUILDING! BUILDING ON MY GASTON! HOW GOD-AWFUL! MY REFUGE IS DESTROYED!
Off to HB and dinner at FrenAsia. Quite good, actually. We got a table at the window, on the HB “canal”, the food was good, the bill wasn’t bad… 40-something (plus 20$ tip). (Although I’m eating chips now.) – After dinner, I brought M&E home. Helped Moe on the computer. Probably saved him quite some money and trouble (Beth is a royal pain!) – By 22.33 I was leaving the bldg. in the car. Woodhaven is a mad-man’s paradise! Speeding! But 10,5mi. later, it was 23.04 and the car was safe.
24.12 Chicken cooked. Pot will soak over-night. This morning’s wash is still wet! But tomorrow, I don’t have to think about the bus! Tonight the car is in 113, well-lighted spot. I’m concerned but not nervous. – Beth tried to get to Moe’s Amex on-line today (w/permission) to use his “reward points”. Screwed his on-line to where they re-set his pw. I helped him straighten it out and informed him that, if he gives his User ID and PW to Beth, she’ll have FULL access to his acct. He thanked me for caring so much and Ev told B. she’d have to figure some other way to use the points. I don’t want to be the “son”. But I certainly don’t want to see them further abused. – Lois starts a new job tomorrow. That gives Keith 6wks to leave the Waubeeka house. M&E will get their lives back (and my Mamale’s work is done). – Now, my concern is Bill and Diane and further work. AND THE ADDRESS CHANGES! THEN? GETTING OUT OF HERE! – For now? Salinger and lights out on this day.
WOW! Dinner in Howard Beach. Driving on Woodhaven, Broad Channel, Rockaway. SHIT! My life is SO NEW! How strange. And I’m “solo”… NO FAMILY… again… JUST ME… and my life in a “Far” away place. WOW!

23.Aug:
9.00 and rain, rain, rain. I want to clean the inside of the car… in the next 3 hours. I want to go back to sleep. I have to get a MetroCard. Money. Monday. Belle Harbor. I don’t want to put up with the nasty comments. Oh well. There are days like this. It can’t always be charming. I’ve got to get to what-ever I can accomplish.
(PostTime: 11.24) TIME TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!! THE RESTAURANT NEXT DOOR – FORMERLY “PATRICK’S” – WILL BE OPENING… SPANISH!!!!! RUN RUN RUN!
The car is cleaner… 3$ vac. (2×1,50). 11,90$ for ArmorAll cleaners. And about an hour of work. IT WAS FILTHY! (Now I’m filthy, tired, not feeling well and worse because of that restaurant.)
NEED MONEY! Time to get dead serious about this. I know some will be coming in a couple of weeks. Moe will be in hosp. x2days. But it would be better to have the necessary means now. Well, why should my life be any different now? And, with NO FURNISHINGS (bed, chair, table?) WTF AM I TO DO? (ATROPA)
(PostTime: 24.37) 23Aug.cont.: The drive (imagine that, “drive” to work was UNbelievable! Jam at B116. EVERY red light along the way. BUT I clocked-in at 12.59! and spent the day w/Bill (HATE THAT NAME) alone for most. The daughter & 3 grands came for a while. No structure, limitations, direction. NOISE! The left & silence returned. I clocked-out just past 17h.
NOTES:
1. Alone w/Bill, he was a delight. When I gave him some cookies, he smiled, thanked me.
2. WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY JOLTED THE LITTLE TABLE, HE LUNGED TO CATCH THE CUP OF ICED TEA! THIS FM A MAN WHO’S POURED TEA ON THE FLOOR.
3.*As I was leaving, Diane was on the phone w/Nancy (C.O.C.) mentioning the fact that HHAs can’t lift patients. So she’s 2nd guessing me… or talking negatively behind my back. (When I was discussing this w/M&E later, Moe said “It must be very diffucult for you to work there, knowing how she is behind your back.” HOW SENSITIVE OF HIM.
So I got to M&E by 17.45 and we went for Moe’s “manogramme” and carotid doppler. When he’d done with the mamogramme he seriously walked over to Ev and I and quietly announced “I’m having twins.” Ev laughed so hard! We discussed the procedure… same as for women. Then he went for the doppler… THAT lasted until akmost 21h! After, we went to the pizza place across from their flat for “dinner”. – Ev has a lot of shopping to do so we agreed I’d take the car home tonight, tomorrow evening I’ll go back after work and take them shopping. (I don’t mind. I went to Walgreens/Lefferts en route back.)
Now, I spoke with Penelope whilst at the radiology. All went well until she said she’d heard from Shirl who is just doing some kind of therapy (NOT chemo) in NH. BUT…BUT…BUT… Shirl wants to put her “Maggie” thing into Art Splash! I told P. I’d burn T7 to the ground if that happened… BECAUSE I got screwed out of my chance to participate. KICKER? When I recounted that SHE encouraged me to participate, even though I’d missed the submission date, and went into how, at 11h on Friday she told me the Committee would be… meeting at 13h to judge submissions she said she knew and remembered. THEN SHE SAID, IN A PUNITUVE TONE: “So, where WERE you?” I quietly said “At 8, I helped you move your stuff fm T7 to T6. Then I washed the fking floor in fking T6. THEN I went to fkung WORK. So I fking got fked, Penelope.” And I cut the call.
Neither Moe nor Ev could believe she could be so forgetful and cruel. Well, thanks to Ev, I’m going to take a run to Tilden on Tues. morning and ask P. what she did on Fri. If she doesn’t recall, she’s going senile. If she DOES recall, she’s pulled her final stunt with me. She did pretty much the same shit to me w/the previous exhibit. Ni mire. Not again.

24.Aug:
(PostTime: 0.50) The car’s right where it was on Sunday night. It’s 22,5* in here. Somebody (Phil) is thumping doors in the hall. I need sleeo and will hopefully get up on time to continue cleaning the car, get to Tilden and to work. TONIGHT AGAIN I DROVE DOWN CROSS BAY. WOW! TO THINK I GOT INTRODUCED TO THIS BIRO WHEN I WAS IN THE SHELTER! HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED! (PostTime: 7.01) WHERE am I going to come up w/this $? (Nice thought first thing in the morning.)
STENCH! at 1.40! GURGGLE GURGGLE GURGGLE… Thankfully the stopper was in. BUT AGAIN at 6.40! And when I pulled the stopper, the little bit if water in the basin bubbled back at me from the gas in the drain! INSPECTOR!
I’ve learnt that the alarm in the phone is “auto-snooze”. (I tried sleeping through it for a while.) – Another day on too little sleep. I wonder how many hours I’ll be paid… particularly from the agency. – Well… time to get ready to hit the day. A little more car-cleaning, a visit to Tilden, the Belle Harbor bitch, and groceries with Ev. Fun stuff.

25.Aug:
(PostTime: 25.Aug: 1.54) 24Aug: Over-slept. But got the car a bit cleaner. Drove to Tilden. Empty in the rain. Left my garbage there. Rang P. left msg: “Where were you on Friday?” Drove out to Far Rock. Went to work. Bill still in bed. Jason got him out and left. Bill smiled at me several times. He drank about 4l iced tea! Thirsty. He’s being tormented. – Picked-up Ev. Off to Trader Joe’s. (I bought bread.) Dropped her at Stop and Shop, went to be w/Moe. Ate dinner: pizza,pasta. Helped Moe on computer. Beth was there today for her “shopping”. Screwed the order. Moe’s apprehensive. – Got Ev fm 2nd shopping. Stayed til past midnight. – Got the car to come back. – *Near accident on Cross Bay!* ABS saved me. – Schmulik wants to go for drinks on Sat. I sent e-mail to decline. – Falling asleep as I entre this. – PLEASE… PEACE IN THE DAY.

(PostTime: 22.10) SECOND BLOODY DRINK!
Sunday is supposed to go back up into the bloody 30’s! Tomorrow the sun is due. Hurricane Danielle is due to course to the North. WAVES! and rips. MAYBE I’LL GET MY HOPE, WISH, DREAM, LONGING, YEARNING: a swim in the open Atlantic, a rip to take me to PEACE! I LONG to GO! It’s time.
22bloody hrs. I wantedlto be comatose by now. 24*. And humid in here. WTF? The beach plums are still cooking. (Michael Bloomberg mentioned on KHRNY. I wasn’t paying attention. – Imagine: I die and they come in here, fund the radio tuned to HEBREW. Bloody arses probably wouldn’t know it’s fking HEBREW!)
OK. Time to “browse” the Net, cook the beach plums, then get in a bloody “nap”.
I did everything I could for Bill Erhard. HE appreciated my kindness of spirit.
I did everything I could for Penelope.
I do everything I can for Moe and Ev. THEY appreciate my kindness if spirit.
I’ve been an excellent tenant in this house.
I’ve done my Mamale VERY proud and spread her goodness and kindness quite far.
I CARED for and about Schmulik. I tried to do more. He deflected.
There’s nothing left.
(PostTime: 23.08) MY Dear Penelope:
You have allowed yourself the devine ascertation that YOU, alone, have experienced ALL of the ULTIMATE pain that can be experienced by ANY human in ALL of Creation. I will not deny that yours is PROFOUND and THE MOST UNJUST. BUT, my Dear Penelope, pain is relative to the indivudual.
YOU, have become my Friend. And I suffer because you suffer. And it seems, to me, that that means nothing to you. So I will surmise that YOU are MY Friend but, I am not YOUR Friend.
YOU do do know what I experience on a daily basis. And, you make it obvious that you don’t care to know.
I would support you, offer what I have to give to lighten your burden, to support you on your journey.
I am stupid, once again, because I have, for a while, believed you might reciprocate.
(PostTime: 23.11) Penelope:
You recently told me… If you’d known me when your family died, you’d never have gone through the misery you suffered.
(PostTime: 23.15) BURKE: All I want to do is fall in love with you… and to take away the pain, daily, of what Creation has tortured you with. Tell me; is that so wrong?

26.Aug:
(PostTime: 7.30) OK. 3 was pushing it last night. But I slept. And almost over-slept. And I’ll probabaly slept on the train today. Good thing I can take 1 train all the way. I’M JUST SO DAMNED TIRED! Oh. The beach plums are jellied. Very charming. Now, let the coffee kick in.
(PostTime: 16.11) Out the door at 9.30. Arr’d PIC at 11h. WOW and OMG am I sick today! Tired. Nauseous. Wiped-out! And the sun is shining and the heat is returning. – Nona was sweet. Told me that Nancy says that Bill’s a “transfer” not a “lift”. I told Nona he’s a “lift”, that Diane told me so, that I’ve experienced it, and what Diane said about our religious differences and my age. So it’s all on the record. Nona tried to get me wirk right away. Only 2 cases are un JksnHgts and one’s a 7-day. Well… I’m out again. (But tomorrow’s Moe…) – Went up to MMLib. Changed addr. for MCU on-line. (PIC won’t co-operate, I expected that from them.) Got tge NYC RPL r/t Eviction of Month-To-Month. Printed it. – Tried to take a dump at MMLib. The toilet paper had to be CUT through w/my Xacto! And even though I’ve felt like my bowels are about to burst I couldn’t go. Hmmm. – Flushing train to 61st for Q53. A lite shopping at KetFood. Here I am in (quiet) Bedlam and am now taking a nap! – Lft msg in Penelope’s machine. Why? WTF? Why not?
(PostTime: 18.09) HELL HAS BROKEN FROM ITS BORDERS! I AM TRAPPED IN CHAOS AND INSANITY! At 17.40 the door to Nr7 began to slam repeatedly. THEN Orlando yells “HEY! Howahyah!” and the voice of the Banshee shrieks “Well HELLO!” LORAINE HAS RETURNED! The pot-banger is back!
NOW IT’S EITHER MOVE OR ATROPA! And my thoughts turn to illegal methods of quick income.
A “Centro America” restaurant out the window. An idiot on either side. The end of this month approaches and a vacancy above.
DOOM!
And I couldn’t get to sleep for my nap. Just laid here trying. Still feeling run down. – Orlando told Phil that he’s off from work tomorrow. Loraine is back. I dread this night. No good can come of this.
(PostTime: 19.45) Finished the salmon salad, jardeniere and 2 3-minute eggs. Cake and hafenhaf after. If the eggs have salmonella I’ll be dead before the week-end. Goody. But I’m sorry I binged last night. Tonight I might go for the Xanax (I wonder if it’s still any good). ANXIETIES! It’s too bloody quiet in Nr.5… and 7. I’m so TRAPPED! – Oh, forgot to mention: a lettre from OV to Helene arrived this week. I just might win by inquiry. – MUST try the Mega Lotto. 133mil.
(PostTime: 20.26) OK. I’m off the “Friends” list of Penelope.
“Hello…”
“Are you alright?”
“Oh yes. I’m much better.”
“I thought you might be. The sun’s out and the heat’s back.”
“I’m doing much better.”
“OK.”
“Thanks Jud.”
“OK. Bye.”
Click
I tried explaining, talking, communicating. That’s that. From now on? Tilden beach and bunkers. No T6-7.
(PostTime: 21.09) Spoke with Barbara. She sounds good. She’s going through the separation: “I’m so used to being with him all the time.” But we talked and she thanked me for the call.
There’s been some thumping from up-stairs. And, of course, from Nr.5. I’ll just keep calling 311 on her. Eventually the police will come… and she’ll play her “fragile” role… and I’ll keep calling. – Meanwhile, I’ve got KHRNY, took 2 aspirins, will have a cup of hot water and see where it goes frim here… STRAIGHT TO HELL, no doubt.

27.Aug:
(PostTime: 5.50) Read Salinger until after 23h. Lights out and… lights out! KHRNY going strong. No cocktail, just 2 aspirin and hot water. Feeling better this morning. Sun-rise is at 6.15. August is almost gone. The day comes later. (But the sun and heat linger.) Even the tan faded. – Nr.5? One crash. Nr.7? TV til almost 23h. Nr.6? MUST LEAVE! Sept. comes, the Summer rentals leave. A chance lurks at the corner.
(PostTime: 6.06) High tide Monday at 11.46. Forecast sun and very warm. If Hurricaine Danielle comes up the Atlantic, strong rips. Will the beach be crowded? A ship’s Captain calmly goes down with a sinking ship.
I will go down with this ship. And I won’t throw my arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door (the post-card and lyrics… from D18 to Nr.6)
(PostTime: 8.57) O.K.!
8.35 a msg comes… Calvaruso! Mom had a stroke. Thought I might like to know because of “special times shared”. Yes… and when Mr. was dying, the msg. was to stay away… don’t visit while Mom was there. “Special times”.
“Special times” with Penelope, listening to her repeated, slightly twisted stories, running to help her, being supportive, calling daily… “special times”… CLICK.
Offering to help Barbara, hoping for my own opportunity for closure with Bob. But “my daughter will handle it”.
Staying late in The City to ride the train with Schmulik. More “special times”.
(PostTime: 21.19) Hungry? No. Not really. Thirsty? A bit? Cocktail? I’d rather not. Tired? No. EXHAUSTED? Definitely. Left Bedlam at 10.30. Arr’d M&E at 11.30. Went to MD. Under an hour. Drove to FH Coffee: Closed. Shalimar, french toast, coffee. Gas. Tyre repair (can). Back to their flat. Chatted. Paid 26hrs. Left 19.30. Arr’d Bedlam 20.25. Lorraine and Phil standing at the front door. (She’s gone FAT FAT FAT!) She, onlher way out. He says, as we climb the stairs “What? You don’t say hello to me anymore? Did I piss you off?” I said “I thought maybe I pissed you off. I piss off everybody.” “No man. You’re cool with me.” – Tried to make egg salad. The eggs didn’t cook properly and the shells stuck to 2/4. Scooped the other 2 and made egg slop. If they’re tainted… Oh well. – TV BLARING in 7. It went down at 20.55. – Now I’ve got 5 banging. Another 311 night. – But it’s the steady fatigue that’s getting to me now. All the time. – The Mega is 133 tonight. I played 3. Happy 55th to me. – Moe and Ev are insisting we do something for my birthday. I should take THEM out. I’ll go somewhere with them strictly for their entertainment. Me? I’ve got the mix for Atropa-and-Tonic. And a warm, sunny day with noonish high tide. And I’m smoking myself into a stroke/heart failure/pulmonary failure. – OH. PIC pay made it into the acct.
(PostTime: 21.32) (broke to record a little from KHRNY) So, for the aggrevation of the week, all of about 130$. Time to dye the face and find another career! THIS is not making it. – No call fm/to Penelope today. I’ve resigned: since it appears to be a bother to her, I’ll bow out. – No “Shalom” fm Schmulik. HE’s most likely pissed because I didn’t agree to meet him in The City tomorrow at 18h for drinks. (I should linger about from noon to 18h on the chance he’ll get off work by then and then, dressed for schul, go for drinks. Ani choshev shelo. Mitsta’er… Mmmmmotek.)
HEY WORLD! A PLEA OUT ON THE WIRELESS: ENOUGH LOTTO TO GET A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET BACK TO MY WATER-COLOURS AND BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS FOR A CHANGE.
(PostTime: 22.25) Why does it haunt me?
Zeh hakol Lo kloom
Montreal
Tel Aviv
Tomorrow Tilden EARLY.
Tonight aspirin, hot water, Salinger.

28.Aug:
(PostTime: 9.16) I slept almost 9hrs. and I don’t really care. – There were no Mega winners in NY. – How does the world work with games of chance? In real physics, theory is, the present is affected by the past. In quantum physics, they’re trying to prove the present is affected by the future. Both hint that there is definite order, nothing “just happens” and all may or may not be divinely controlled. – When I use specific nrs. for Lotto, they don’t win. I used “Quick Pick” for this and they didn’t win. So my choices don’t affect the draw. Unless, by taking these numbers, I’ve removed them, somehow, from the greater scheme of available numbers and in doing, decreased the chances of them coming up as winning numbers. – (And now, the door on Nr.7 slams. How is it that this freak is so malignantly obtuse that he does not realise his annoyance, any more than the same from Nr.5? And the BOTH tap/bang on shared walls. Here too, another mystery. The fellow at 311 last night said, these are the majority of noise complaints received. Something truly must be done to stop it/punish offenders. Human? I wonder.) – Will have coffee, shit’n’shower, make a light lunch, go off to the beach for some sun… perhaps a swim. – Plans for a day.
(PostTime: 8.52) I spent the ENTIRE day at Tilden! Arr’d 12.30 or so, walked directly past T7 where Mmme. P. was sitting on the porch. Not working. Sitting. Alone. At the last moment I decided to stroll by, as if not seeing her. Just as well. I’ve nothing kind to say. Went to CW5 and parked. Few “waves” and a delightdul temp. Clear too! Until the tide went out and all went foamy. Some kind of clear-jelly eggs floating about too. But I got my time in the waters! – A small, green tent. 2 Mexican/Latino-types. 1 about 50’s, the other maybe 15. Older, FAT, ugly! Younger, skinny, ugly, long hair. They spent most of the day IN the tent. Came out to eat and a few dips. BUT when I was leaving (18.20) I noted: the tent was a-rockin’! The old guy was on his back, the younger was crotch-riding for all he could get! As I walked past, they were both inside, face-down, the younger one screwing the older one! AH… Tilden. – Got a LARGE bowl-full of deep purple beach plums on the way out. – Many folks dtill at T7 when I left. I didn’t stop. – In Bedlam, one burger on to cook, trunks in to soak, plums in to rinse, me in to shower. Washed trunks. Washed plums. Ate dinner(?). Dushes done. – Reshet Gimel on the air. “Shelo he gamelli”! I KNOW THIS OLDIE TOO! How strange! – Msg to Schmulik w/photo fm R.G. site. – NO msg to Mme.P. I’ve been there for her through much. If it’s that easy for her to dump… so be it. I’m “cleaning house” these days. – Tomorrow? Back to Tilden… whilst I may enjoy it… in peace and (relative) silence. I’d still like to spend a night… but during the week. – Now. Cigs? DuaneReade? A drink? I’m relaxed… not tired. And Bedlam is too quiet! (Anticipatory anxiety!)
(PostTime: 21.14) Cocktail. Cigs in morning. Salinger. Done. – I’m really quite fed-up w/folks. Penelope gets an attitude w/me because SHE failed on her promises. Schmulik gets an attitude because, AGAIN, I’M expected to travel into The City to meet. Maria Calvarusso SUDDENLY decides to contact me r/t her Mum’s stroke AFTER telling me to stay away fm her father AND telling me about his funeral BUT NOT WHERE. – OH! I sealed the 55 notes into a jar. The note-facing has Ms. Mack’s addresse on it. Either tomorrow or Monday it goes Atlantic. And with it? ALL ELSE! FK! I’ve had TOO much more than ENOUGH! Back to being the SOLE survivor of MY Mum’s children.
(PostTime: 21.23) HIGH SURF WARNINGS (AND RIPS, OF COURSE) FOR TO-MORROW! WAH-HOO! WAVES! 6-21.00h! OK. OH BOY! OH TAKE ME HOME!

29.Aug:
(PostTime: 7.05) Finished Salinger last night and said “Nap”. Slept through all the alarms this morning. Alas. Now waiting for the BM and will shower and get to the High Surf. Tide’s up at about 11. (But I should’ve opted for a hot water before bed last night. Not “bad” this morning. But could be a little better. Must to be in shape for this “high surf”. I’m looking forward to it.) – At 6.50 the Nr.7 door begins to thump against my wall. He should rot. But Nr.5 seems to be behaving herself. Only a very few shuffles/thumps. Nothing worth reporting. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HELL-HOLE!
(PostTime: 18.22) Well… another 4hrs on Tilden. Whilst the tide was in there were waves. Considerable but not deadly. “Fun” waves. And the water was cool and rather clear. BUT I HAD TO LEAVE BY 15.00! Brooklyn and The City arrived, PACKING EVERY cm. OF AVAILABLE SPACE! Black, Latin, Ugly Milky Gay, Ugly Milky Breeders, spores galore! JUST HIDEOUS! A group actually rode bikes up the dunes and parked them there! It was disgusting. (I reported that bit as I left.) – However, a HOT fellow (who parked at Riis and walked to CW5) settled beside me for some “full sun-bathing”. Gorgeous grey hair, light golden eyes, “u/c”. An inspiration against beige sands, deep green bay-berry and clear blue skies! Then he mentioned his… wife! Oh well. – A younger Latino w/his blonde mamoflopper settled not-too-far. Another bit if eye candy. HE asked about the ferry to Manhattan. – No Lotto at all this wk-end. – But I made it in and out w/out P.A. or RAA. Yay! – (THE SHIT IS BEGINNING. 5 AND 7! I’ve got wash soaking. Time to finish it, shower, go make my TD deposit… and call 311!)
(PostTime: 20.05) Interesting: Drop the mallet x2 and suddenly… it’s gone human. I’d planned to leap from the bed just before leaving. But perhaps the vermin have had their jollies? I doubt it. But will enjoy what moment I’ve got…
SO… Tilden sans Atheras ET RAA. Ever so peaceful (that). And, for the most, I dud enjoy the day. – As trunks soaked, I stimmed. Hands-free, but not much results for 2 days. I haven’t been in the mood. Even the hot one at Tilden didn’t evoke. Depression: August, 55 and all implications, this house, PIC, Diane Erhard… If it was earlier and light, I’d do my night-out under my tree tonight. But I can’t get to it after syn-set. Mostly because I can’t violate the very rules and laws I’m trying to up-hold and protect. (I need to dump my ethics and principles. A “55 resolution”.) – Then the shit hit the walls in here. Orlando comes in and starts TAPPING on the wall! Meanwhile, Lorraine was busy THUMPING about! It was the CHAOS I’ve been dreading! So I dashed into the shower, planning to go to TD to deposit. (I used MCU today for the first time in months.) – But now the wash is hung, fans are on, I’m refreshed, the vermin are caged. It’s late enough to try for SOME sleep. I’d like to make the beach in the morning, Pearl for a metallic pen (for the 55 sketch-book) in the after-noon. A TD at some point. Hopefully I’ll get back to work this week. 2 days pay still due anyway. W/Ev’s cq. there’s 4c$ between the 2 accounts. MORE! NEED MORE! THEN… OUT OF HERE! – 2 aspirin w/lime-ade. I hope it works. I’m not turning out the light… AGAIN, the fear of turning out the light, them seeing and kicking about. Just like when Helene was up-stairs. MUST TO GET OUT OF HERE!

30.Aug:
(PostTime: 5.32) 55 Any time after this is “borrowed”.
Jeans are soaking in the basin. Yesterday’s wash is on the tack. Radio is on. Never put the light out last night.
Mama? It’s MY TURN!
I’m ever so very tired of all this. EVER so tired.
(PostTime: 6.54) 1955. Precious little happened. I’ve been web-surfing. Many “Memorials” on “bing.com”. 1968: “Revolution” and “Hey Jude” were released.
The jeans are on the rack. I can’t decide where to begin: Pearl or Tilden. Tide up at round noon. I’m sufficiently sunned. Tilden would be for swimming and not so much sunning. Need food for Tilden. Don’t want to spend. But need gold pen for the 55 sketch-book. What I really should do is get my time together.
Odd… it promises to be the perfect day for a chair in the tide-line, Atropa Martini, good book, nice music (which I no longer have)… The years pass and the bitterness lingers. Today I work on moving along. Split from all that. Just as I float in the Atlantic swells, up-right, feet off the ocean floor, it’s time to float in time/space, feet off the floor, life removed, and keep in mind that it’s been 55 years… If Time and Fate won’t take me from this, then I will remove my-self from it. “Death” happens in different ways. I get to choose my own… today. FTW as it’s said.
(PostTime: 21.49) 1. Out the door some time round 9.30 I think. At any rate, Q35, Nr.2, change at Atlantic, Q to Canal. At Lafayette, deposit to TD, then PEARL! 2 pens: 6.66$ (MCU). – Back on the N to Atlantic, Nr.5, Q35.Stop at Job Lot, strainer (cash). In round noon.
2. Strained some beach plum jelly (turned to sauce). 2 sandwiches, 1l frozen water, quick change. OUT TO TILDEN!
3. At Tilden, Penelope on porch T7. She walks to the top of the steps (no further) :
“Good MORNING. Happy Birthday, Jud.”
“Thank you, Penelope.” (I didn’t stop walking.)
“You aren’t going to stop by?”
“I’ve no time and you’re ‘laying low’.”
“What?”
(I repeated.)
“I can’t hear you. OK then.”
(I continued my walk into the Bakfort. It was beautifully bright, empty, quiet.)
4. The beach was relatively empty. One msn fm. yesterday. The waves simply were. The sandbar is breaking all the good ones. But the water was SUPERB! I went right in! (CW5).
5. 55 NOTES OF MISSED ITEMS, ADDRESSED TO Ms.Mack WENT OUT IN A JAR WITH THE TIDE! MAY MY HATRED AND BITTERNESS GO WITH.
6. By about 15h, Brooklyn arr’d and I departed.
7. NOTE: Atop 406, on the deck, a girl, her back to the ocean, rapidly riding her boy-friend (who was facu ing her). FOLKS ARE FKING IN TILDEN! I… AM NOT! WTF? JUST WTF? TIME TO BE FORWARD FROM NOW ON! DAMNIT!
8. As I got to T7, Mme.P. was getting into her car (15.30?). She pulled into the T4 lot, looked as she exited, noticed me, sped off. (I was relieved, not wanting to talk with her. I was in a bit of a rush.)
9. In at Bedlam, wash trunks, quick shower. 2 phone calls (16.14): PIC, Ev. I dressed and left.
Moe has an appointment tomorrow w/cardiologidt in The City. Carotid artery. I’ll drive.
10. Q35 to Canal Jeans (approx. 18h)! Black Levi’s(20$), black CK t-shirt(10$). I’m going BLACK now. Then cigs and face stuff at Rite Aid (at The Junction… I’m running Bklyn! at THIS AGE!)
The bus back! TERRORISM! 45mins. wait. Sidewalk PACKED! A Q35 arrives… PACKS. Another Q35 right behind it. DRIVES RIGHT BY!
PostTime: 22.13) MTA got a NASTY message. 311 got my wrath. I left a complaint to “The Mayor” (and complained about him too). Left name, nr. and 245466 e-mail. FINALLY a Q35!
I still get funny, coming into Rockaway after dark. The memories of that time in The Shelter, when I’d HAVE to be LEAVING here by dark still haunt me. It’s BEAUTIFUL, looking across the bay, seeing the lights, a simple strip in the darkness, NOTHING beyond them, knowing I don’t have to panic, there’s no dead-line. (If only I could look forward to peace when I arrived.) Time passes, fades into no-where. Memories linger… and torture.
Arrived at Bedlam 20.18.or so. Threw the beach sheetland towel in to wash. THREW ONE BURGER IN TO COOK! SO HUNGRY! Balanced the books. Shoved “dinner” down. Washed the wash. Washed the dishes. POURED A DRINK AT 21.15!
Have I forgotten anything? Schmulik txt: “In case I can’t tomorrow…” Happy B’day. DELETED.
I’ve no more patience. Don’t need people, generally. They weren’t available to help when I went into The Shelter. The didn’t call for ALL the months I was there (save Tommy Burke who phoned once). NOBODY helped me get OUT of The Shelter. When I needed references to start work again, NOBODY was there. I’m on my stomach, being brutally fked ANND… NOBODY HERE AGAIN. I’ve given, given, given, GIVEN!!! And THIS, THE 55th? A.L.O.N.E.! A burger and chips for dinner. LAYNDRY! for fk’s sake. A vodka-tonic, ALONE on a bed that’s NOT MINE, in a ROOM! A L O N E! (TV in 7 mumbling through the wall.)
Oh, Orkando saw me coming into the house tonight. Left the door open for me. Imagine? Phil still smiles, waves, says Hello. Just noting.
22.11 I’ve got to get some sleep for tomorrow. It’s uncomfortably hot in here. Fans are running. Laundry hanging.
HAPPY FKING 55th. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I GO INTO THE SEA?
(PostTime: 22.21) Note: Floating in the Atlantic, so open, so free, so un-encumbered is FLYING. Legs float, I can be perpendicular, feet not on earth. A simple arm motion and I drift aling. The waves lift, rock. If I lay back, still, the water brings silence. Laying on my back, I see only sky, here only silence. It’s the ONLY GREAT BEAUTY in this existence.
(If I had nothing to do tomorrow, I’d go back to the Atlantic right now.)

31.Aug:
PostTime: 6.36) THIS is a morning I did NOT want to see. I believe I was about 13 yrs. of age when I decided that THIS was a morning I did NOT want to see. And NOW I know what Oma felt when the calendar read “April”. I want to go back to sleep… but must be in the bus in about 2 hours. Still “doing”… for others. Still waking… with anxieties. Still… – TV mumbled through the wall well into mid-night. I did NOT want to wake at the alarm. It’s hot in here (27,5) or I got too much sun. THIS will STOP! Since I’m “here”, it’s time to plow through what it takes to find MY OWN PEACE. I WILL change it ALL… NOW! – ANOTHER “Happy B’day” fm Schmulik. No clue. No time. I’m not in the mood. I keep thinking: “We must meet this wk-end…” (says he). Indeed. So long as we meet at HIS convenience. “I’m here for you…” says Penelope. Indeed. “OK Jud?” click. So much for exhibiting.
You know? I went to Pearl for pens. I went to the ocean for a delightful swim. I went to Canal Jeans for… jeans (Levis at 20$). I had my birthday drink. I stimmed quite a bit (not h/f but…) ALL ALONE. So? It was a nice day. I have my “gifts”, esp. the Atlantic. FTW. It is as it was as it is as it will be. Mama “did” for others. “Others” did NOT for her. It is as it was as it is. And I did what I enjoyed. My life is now Qns and Bklyn. It is NOT what it WAS. Let’s face the music and… DANCE!
(PostTime: 8.28) Is it 3 or 4 days now? Bowel troubles. Every morning. I’ve divested myself of the CM Notes. I’m divesting myself of annoying persons. Bedlam House is the worst I’m dealing with now. I just need to get to “I don’t give a fk.” – Tired. It’s already oppressive. – But, I’m wearing my black jeans. (la…dee…dan). (And my old gut is prominent… Bloating.)
(PostTime: 22.57) August ends. 55. We begin 56! Well, I made it through the day. Arr’d Moe’s 9h. We left about 10. Heavy traffic. I navigated side streets to the bridge! Got them to the appointment 30mins early! Found parking right at the corner! – Moe’s doppler was great! Not perfect but all’s well for his surgery. I’m SO RELIEVED! – We went to Forest Hills Coffee for lunch.
* THE TEMPERATURE REACHED 38 TODAY!!!!! * Hurricane Earl might barely hit Rockaway this week-end. How WONDERFUL! PLEASE?
Hung round at M&E’s until 20.30. After quite a bit of aggrevation, paid the phone. Had to ring “customer dis-service”. 20 stupid questions. But finally, I paid. – Schmoozed. Horn-swaggled into dinner on Thursday. Ev said “Pick a place.” I said St.James (she could have lobster). THEY chose a different place. PLUS, they want the ceiling fan. So we’ll get that, then go for dinner. I do this for THEM, certainly NOT for me. I’m certain THEY want the evening out. But why ask me where I’d like to go then say “No”? More LC crap: don’t listen to me. – Call fm Schmulik. Msg: (breath) “Happy b’day. Bye.” (I’ve sent e-mail tx.) – New MetroCard. Waldbaums for chicken, knishes, bread, ice-cream. Their ice-cream is now almost 5$! Eddys on sale. Very creamy. Good only on sale. – I’ve eaten. Dish washed. Thinking about a drink. Only one left. – OH! Charming chat with Phil tonight. No mention of my rent. Hmmm. But he’s very pleasant toward me. Fine. – So! What next? No plans for tomorrow. But WILL NOT stay HERE! – At 22h the TV in 7 went on! Still mumbling through the wall. – I should just try for sleep in the 30deg. heat in here. Aspirin! No drink tonight.
I’m really fed-up with SO VERY MUCH! Especially seeing Sept. coming. Just fed-right-the-fk UP!
August… Atropa.