1.Oct:
12.27 Bajaj’s office w/M&E. This page was added at Moe’s PC this morning.
I’m apprehensive. And it was almost painful, clicking on this page. “Heard It Through The Grapevine” on the radio, adds to the misery. These are my Depression Days. I DON’T want to be living. I DON’T understand WHAT keeps me going… I should call it “staying”. Curiosity? To see what will be thrown at me next? To see just how resilient I actually CAN be? Defiance? Not allowing these idiots whom I neither know nor care to know to destroy me with what is, their basic stupidity, arrogance, insignificance? Oh, the list could continue, but I don’t have the gumption.
Apprehension: It’s the 1st of yet another month. I’m deeper in debt… again. I expect Denise to pull her shit at the house, to destroy some of what little I have left in the world. This morning, as I came from the shower, Phil asked if I had the day off. Helene claims Denise offered him 500$ to get her (Helene) out. There’s no telling; he might be the one who trashed her place. He’s attractive, simple and can be “had”. Pleasant to my face, I wouldn’t put anything past him.
I’ve lost all the Summer colour already. Am I anemic now? ALWAYS EXHAUSTED. No energy. Poor concentration/focus. I constantly hope that I’m shutting-down… just shutting… down…
October. Still here. New page. New challenges. Part of me wants to laugh at it all. Still here, in spite of evil darts and daggers. Well, I AM RESILIENT… BIG FKING DEAL.
22.39 In at 21.48. I was SICK on the bus. Anticipatory Anxiety. Crossing BC I recalled how HAPPY I WAS coming across the bay, escaping Riverdale, leaving The City for the day, then coming “Home”. Those days have passed. These days I wonder what kind of evil awaits, what noise (TV Nr7 blasting shortly after I got in, not WHEN I got in. Orlando probably took a bribe from Denise), or what awaits on the other side of my door. How times have changed. – I got in, all OK. But 20 damp deg. The cold is coming. Friend or Foe? – Salmon salad sandwiches x2. No dessert. A tall v-tonic tonight. – Clocked-out at 13.25. Ev covered 13-20h. – We got binders for filing. I stood out-side Trader Joe’s watching the clouds clear. This boro is my home now. Totally removed from my past. Removed from where anyone would think of me. I’m removed from it ALL here, but I drive it as if I’d been here always. 4 years, it’s familiar, it’s where I work, shop, reside, spend leisure time. I wake here, I sleep here. Removed. Removed. – “HEY JUD!” John (Matt’s friend) at TJ’s. W/his girl-friend. Hand-shake. Hug. He remembers me. “Dude!” I meet people who know me even away from The Rock. I’m known here. For good, mostly. My existence is re-written. I’m kind. I’m strong. I’m educated. I’m a Jew. I’m appreciated. It is good… it is bad. It is home. It is removed. It is re-written. I am re-written. I still wonder why I am still here, still breathing, still defying attempts past and present to force me into cessation. I am tired, weary OF it all. Just weary. – Errands for M&E. Moe confided: Blackhats make him apprehensive. I agreed. Ev made him feel GUILTY of such feelings. She over-powers him, dwarfs him. It’s sad. She disallows his feelings. He acquiesces(sp?). Sad. – October. I should be remains at sea, NOT here. I should be the wind. NOT here. I should be the Winter. NOT here. I should NOT be here. I should NOT “Be”. Weary. Tired. So very… enough.
23.36 v-tonic done. Cold 20 in here. I should try for sleep. Not for anything in the morning. I won’t make services. I miss them. But I’m tired. I should sleep. But when the lights go out… IT comes. I’m ill-at-ease. I “think”. – The construction trains are running tonight. Loud. But they’re trains. It doesn’t disturb me. – Tepid, not hot water. A shower. I don’t have the energy. – Finish this cig. Time to try for sleep. TV Nr7 is lowered. The work-trains will drown him out.

2.Oct:
9.59 Imagine this: when I woke, got up to coffee, it was… 9.45. And I probably wouldn’t have gotten up then if not for a full bladder. (10.02 Groans fm. Nr7.) – NOAA says mostly sunny and about 18 for a high. I’m thinking Tilden. I certainly don’t want to sit around here. (That usually leads to doing just that.) But how odd… the one thing I’d truly like to do, Neca7-shop, I can’t do because those stores aren’t open today. It’s not my own obligation to tradition, it’s “ours”, mine and theirs. – OK. So finish coffee, wake gradually and see where it goes. Just… NO KNOCKS on the door! It’s Shabbat.
12.12 It’s chilly in here. I’m rather tired. The plsce is relatively calm. The sun is shining out-side. I’ve finished coffee. I’m thinking “sleep”. I’m thinking “Tilden”. I’m thinking “destruction when I walk out the door”. I’m thinking I don’t want to lock me in here all day. I’m thinking there’s nothing I MUST do. I’m thinking there’s nothing wrong with just going to sleep again. I’m thinking: finish the afghan (which, when finished will be ruined by vandals like others before it), illumination for M&E, a little laundry, a stroll on the beach, CLEANUNG THIS PLACE UP, packing things, finding a storage place… I’m thinking… I’m leaning most toward sleep. I’m thinking this place depresses. Crochet linens (income). I’m stuck, stalled. I’m weary. “Do”? Why? I’m surrounded by vermin that will destroy anything I might “do”. VERMIN! And that’s what blocks ALL creativity. Vermin. Not animal, insect, bacteria, virus. Just parasitic vermin. That’s what blocks it all. Despondent(sp?). Not “depressed”. Vermin. There’s my answer. Now, to ponder what will be done to change this. (I’m thinking… back to sleep. I’ll need to get food later.)
14.25 Sleep too becomes an enemy. I half-dream… of places I’ve been, things I used to have. For the moment, I’m so happy, in that dream-state. A charming, large room, with windows that gulp sun-light, let breezes blow through billowing curtains. A large bed. Many books. Clothes in which I am comfortable, or sophisticated, or strong, verile, desireable. Music that inspires me, or surrounds me with magnificent memories. Then… SNAP! The dream stops. Reality. Loss. Gone. Finished. End. Pain. – Sleep, unless Eternal, is an enemy now too.
16.48 A THOUGHT: I was surrounded by darkness; cold, damp concrete and bare timbres. I produced. I painted. I generated income. People requested my work. I did K.B.’s walls. My work was admired, appreciated. I turned cold, damp, darkness into success. I had less then than now. And I am still that person, that Man. I am still my Mother’s son.
22.32 THE PRELIMINARY CALIGRAPHIE ON THE “ani dodi” FOR M&E IS DONE! Art is… for the moment… BACK! May this be the beginning of MUCH MORE!
2 salmon salad sandwiches all day. I never left the room, save for a quick loo-break. Not even a shower. And now, w/Lorraine tapping, a v-tonic and…
SOMEBODY posts to the voy, in on-line translation, in French! Under a Kafka reference/quote from “A Dream”. When (I) posted that the translator doesn’t work, post in English, the reply was “mission accomomplie”. The posts come from Kettering. Now, I wonder… N.H.? L.C.? Whom-ever, the reply tonight was not nice. It (the reply) was signed Gaston (who will be for-ever my solace). Connections with THAT must be destroyed IF they try to re-establish. And at this, my age, and time in my life, “destruction” can be ANYthing. I no longer care, nor have concern for “tomorrows”. I’m on “Dead Time”.
So, KHRNY has been most kind all day. And working in Hebrew, listening to/hearing Hebrew has been such a delight. If Kol haShalom could only know the reprieve, relief, respite they provide today. I really should find the studio (ulpan).
OK. 24.59 Just finished something I never would have imagined possible. And on only 2 v-tonics: Stim AND straight cath. HF! OK? I didn’t cum through the cath. And I didn’t pee through the cath, though it was with-in cm of the entire length. I came around the cath. But the stim numbed enough to get the cath in… slowly. I wanted to watch, to experience what pts. experience. Not pleasant, when simply being inserted. But on another level, it’s… stimulating. The “end” was unexpected. It just happened. I with-drew the cath and peed. A bit of burning. But only briefly. I’m “flushed”. And now, moments after, it’s as if nothing was done. Quite interesting. A new experience. I can’t help but think: all those “men” who post to the Internet; are there ANY who could take what I just did? And as for the “phobes”, I still say they hate because they couldn’t survive what we do. They’d cry like little girl bsbies. – And so, I’ve experienced something new, something that would be considered “brutal”. Silly. It wasn’t “brutal” at all. I was quite quiet through-out. Do it again? Oh, perhaps. But it was like boots with Brad: phantasie is better than reality. – I need a nap.

3.Oct:
6.56 And a nap it was. But it won’t be a day in the house. 1stly, only 1 cig left after this one. 2stly, I’m going to try for Holon this morn. And, for tr record, I AM feeling the aftermath of last night’s little foray. The drinks haven’t been slept-off and peeing is, well, obvious. But, I still dare these big, bad, butch boys to go there, do that. – 18* in here this morn. And my back hurts. It started yesterday. From sleeping tight… against the cold. If I stay here through Winter (I really should have been on that beach in August) I’m getting a heater of some kind. Cheap but effective. – And now, on w/this day. I should have done wash yesterday too. Alas… But the caligraphie looks good.
19.28 NOW THIS was some kind of day. Even on only about 4hrs sleep: It began w/only 2 cigs… I didn’t leave here until almost 10.30. They took me through! Got more st DR en route to the Q35. A chilly, clear morning! An almost empty bus to KingsHwy and a quick connect to the B84 (that nr. just hit me:84. Hmmm.) which dropped me AT Holon. THAT was a GRAND disappointment. Dingy. SOME loose Neca7 in only 2 scents! So I got only 5. BUT they have “Bat Oren”! I used that in Tel Aviv! PINE! I got a bottle. Soapless body wash… PINE! As I checked-out, a woman came in, dropped some money on the counter and yelled “Dollar v’chetzi. Ken?” HEBREW! YOFI! But that was the good point of marketing. – Stopped in another “kosher” mkt. down the block. IMMACULATE! GREAT ISRAELI MUSIC! But NO NECA7! I’ll have to keep looking. – Walked over to C.I.Av. B68 to Brighton, just to see what Jackie’s might have in black, cold-weather wear. PAY DIRT! I was going to spend not more than 20$ (the cash in hand) BUT… A JACKET, MY SIZE! 19,99$! A THERMAL HOODED SWEAT SHIRT. MY SIZE! 16,99$ (tagged at 34$ they should go to Hell). I’m in BLACK come the cold! MY SIZE YET! – Happy little camper, me. The usual busses back w/an UNusual twist: A SEAT ON ALL 3 BUSSES! I mean… WTF? er… WOW! – Back at TheRock, took the boards fm.B115-112. Tide up. Multiple breakers in the wind. I wanted to jump in! PERFECT for swimming. And I’d just thought, this morning, how quickly the swimming weather passed. – So, no nasty notes, no damage to the place. I un-packed the day’s damages and started to work on the illumination (which.usn’t as easy as I’d hoped.) A call to Ev. A 20min. nap. Dinner at 18.30. Spaghetti. It’s all I have, save 1tin black beans and some rice. THAT’S IT! – OHOHOH! THREE nice msgs fm.Motek today too! Who needs Lotto? – Now? Dishes done. Hot-plate scoured shiny (for heat & packing). Nr7 on TV. Nr5 been tapping. Nr6 is almost ready for sleep. – And the painful remnants of last night linger. Oh well. I can handle it.
21.30 Lackey-boy Nr.7 begins his bull-shit! Yelling (at the TV I’m presuming). It’s about 21* and falling in here. Raining out-side. I’m tired but not sleepy. KHRNY is dead air (just when I need them). – E-mail fm.Schmulik: oral surg. on the 14th. Invite to “play Florence”. I replied suggestively (of course). I doubt, very much, anything will come of it. – Meanwhile, I really MUST get SOME sleep. And this week is FS, MA and an advert in the Wave! I WILL NOT BE HERE COME NOVEMBER! I WILL HAVE A PLACE THAT I LOOK FORWARD TO COMING “HOME” TO!
A cup of boiled water and… that had better be IT for this night!
21.39 Bless them: KHRNY is BACK! Drown-out the shits here. Drift-off in Hebrew. Bless them.

4.Oct:
6.08 19* “Shalom Esti” b’radio. Boker. V’ani? Ani choshev… ani… b’seder. Did not want to get up. Would like to sleep this one away too. But did drift-off fairly well last night; some time round 22h. And now? The water is on for a boil… heat. Chilly in here this morn. October. Shit! – That said, let’s see what can be “decomplished” on this day. Shall we? Oh yes, let’s shall.
9.07 Bus. Drizzle. Bathed w/Neca7. So clean. New black sweat-shirt. At B116 I hear my name… David F. offered a lift. – Bus ready to leave as I arrived. – But my guts want to burst! Anxieties. ENOUGH!
18.19 Q21 133Av. Rain. Cold. I’m damp. Bus is cold.
“You have no idea. As secretive as he is, he trusts you with all this.”
“They think of you as part of the family… Dinner in the sukkah, Thanksgiving…”
That’s me. Mr. O. Sogreat. And nobody knows the rest. (Tho I told Moe of my 10mos. in The Shelter. No details.)
Tonight, more pasta or rice/beans. No food. No shopping.
The parking tkt reduced fm 115 to 90$. That’s NINE HOURS of work to me! I’m fighting it! This time in person.
Bumpy. More later.
21.15 Nr7: TV, door, wall-banging. Yeah, he’s being paid-off.
No more rice. No more beans. No more bread. No more half’n’half. No more butter. No more salmon. Half-bag pasta. Hot cereal.
Made rice and black beans. Served on soft rolls. Ever so good! Not really enough. But will have to do.
Nasty posts to voy continue. I suspect LC (Liz Colbert). Could be BS(Barbara Smith), but I doubt it. Still, the Kettering IP makes interest. GL posted “contact me”. Let’s see.
20 chilly in here. Was 25 at M&E’s today. We got much accomplished in 4hrs. (There’s about 100pstres for the week and more time coming, private, on Wed. Won’t cover immed. needs. But… )
Moe’s PTx remembered Pepino. Called him “miserable” and “unhappy”. When I told him of the demise he softened: “I hope that’s not true. He put all his eggs in that place in FL. Said he’d be happy there.” Me? I still don’t know why P.B. struck me so. And now, I’ll never know.
Spoke w/Ev. She repeated how greatly my help is appreciated and how very much trust they have in me. Well, I might not be the very Best in Creation, but my Mum is being carried in the Best reputation. That’s what matters.
I dread tomorrow. Need to find pay-stubs, taxes. NEED to get to JCCRP. Don’t want to. HAVE to though. Then, perhaps a library to clean the 122-22 blog. P.O. in the morning as well. But I have no rent receipts. Hmmm. We’ll see what comes along.
Thurs. I don’t look fwd. to the tkt. But there too, MUST! Or just forfeit the 90$ myself. I WON’T let Moe pay! But I certainly don’t want the tkt on HIS record!
OK. Water boiling. Hot water tonight. Flush. The bit of pain fm the other night is better. Still there though. Was it worth it? Yes. I learnt the cath is no good for “auto”. Lived. Learned. Next? Hmmm.
21.37 TV STILL MUMBLING. What a pc. of shit! I NEED TO MOVE! Put advert into the Wave.
High tides due. New moon, rain and winds. It should come over the boards; that would be fun.
I need to get some sleep. I think I’ll use the un-finished afghan tonight. MUST finish that & the illumination! SO MUCH TO DO!

5.Oct:
7.50 Right through 2 alarms set for 5.30 5.45. Coould not get up and would have continued to sleep. SO TIRED! This can’t be right. Then, major anxieties about knocks on the door. What is it with not wanting confrontation? There’s too much going on. Too much to be done. Too much. But not all at once. I have to find pay stubs. Will have to think of rent stubs. Too much going on. I’m toasting. And more rain today. So much fun.
DREAM: Sitting at a table, little coffee maker going to make hot water. 3 plants, philodendron cuttings in water on the table. I’m looking into a coffee press, fiddling with it, trying to get a weather and traffic report from the coffee press. Joey Tretter comes along, sits opposite, takes the little pot from the coffee maker. I snap “It’s hot water. What did you expect in a coffee maker, arse-hole?” He takes the pot and pours the hot water back into the coffee-maker. I yell, stand up… I woke.
Even dreams are jumbled. I’m truly exhausted lately. I wonder what’s wrong… other than stress and anxiety, constant apprehension… and the wet and cold.
Money will be ciming in fair this week. 60(PIC)40(PD)100. Poss 80(PD)140. Nxt wk 90(PIC)40(PD)130. But too slowly! Piece-meal. Well. We never know until things happen. Just so long as nobody tries anything stupid. Time… that’s all. Time.
BUT NO WALKING AWAY AGAIN! NOT AGAIN!
10.17 Q22 to The Far. Pay fm PIC at PO. “Far Rock”! I no be in “Far Rock”. Oh well. I do like the “Far”. Wish I was. – Normal morn. Guts feel like bursting. Still so damned tired. Nice breeze. Sky clearing (because I have umbrella). – Showered w/bat oren. Nice. Very nice. – Can’t wait to pass Bedlam, see if my existence is.on the sidewalk yet. B116. OMG and HolyS. DSS crews and clients. The “Park” is a dump. OK. Bedlam. Empty sidewalk. Guts are churning. – 10.25 at B108. Patches of blue sky. – Will I accomplish anything w/this day? JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD. JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
19.40 Rice is cooking, meat & veg await. I broke-down, bought food. Not much. Just enough. Food.
Bolted to JCCRP this morn to find Jacquie just leaving at 11h. So, I went to DSS. New appl. for FS. THE COMPUTERS WENT DOWN! THE WHOLE CITY SYS! But I waited. Did I have anything else to do? Well, yes… and no. At about 14.30 a woman, Ms.Hines, cam round. She checked my docs and appl. I asked if it would be better to come back Thurs. She said that would be fine. I left. – Back to JCCRP. Jacquie w/a client. But when WE got to talk at last… emergency. She had.to leave. So I walked her home. Said I’d see her Thurs. BUT! She told me, the cap income for Medicaid? 700$/mo! IMAGINE? But “Health Plus” (not as good) is… 950$! WHO THE FK CAN LIVE ON THAT? But w/my current income, I should have no prob. OK. OK. – 16h. Not ready to come back to Bedlam… FRLib. Needed an “October” letter of residence. Done. Knocked searchable Helene from 12222rbb.wp. Checked some e-mails. Blocked the Kettering poster from voy, traced the IP, notified Kettering of the abuse. – PACKED 22bus back. – Stopped at KeyFood and RiteAid. – POLICE, and MORE POLICE careening up RBB! I wonder. “The neighbourhood is going to shit” said Phil, last Summer. – The day’s weather? Drizzled, cleared, HOT, clouded, drizzled, now DARK clouds. – Dinner just about ready (at 19friggin57).

6.Oct:
6.49 (and Denise’s dog is im full voice) Fell back to sleep after 2 alarms. Can’t do that om Friday! – 14* at JFK. 22 in here. Is the house a-fire? If steam is coming up, rent had to be paid to cover the cost. But I havr to hold on. I want this in court! Or she’ll believe she can get away w/tossing people and playing her crap. – Fact is: I NEED TO MOVE TO SOMEPLACE PEACEFUL! On Thurs. I’ll look into it w/Jacquie… for a fellow tenant. – Well, need to shop, at 8h, for Ev. Get a couple more hours in this afternoon. The crappiest part: a full day’s pay this Fri. won’t come til NEXT Fri. Timing… it’s all timing.
PS: CathFX past. 4 days. That’s not bad.
19.57 Q21 JamAv The anxieties set in. I really need to get out of this… Bedlam. – Otherwise, a well sort of day, good weather, 9,5hrs. pd., 7hrs. dep’ed just this eve. So I’m prepping for something destructive. Alas. – That’s it. – Oh what the f? “Richard” has been “sheathed” all day. But, as usual, for nothing. Just sayin’.
21.51 Interesting: I voyposted fm. M&E’s today and a nemisis posted today as well. BOTH came fron NYC Vrzn [sic]. LC I might believe. Who else would be the connection bet. the board and The City? Let the fun begin!
Meanwhile, dinner and dishes done. Appt. at B59 in the a.m. Tippy-tapping fm. Nr7 followed by drain gurggling for about 10mins. Other-wise… well… normal. – 22 in here and holding. – Oh, new “elephant” rug in the hall. Insence abounds. Reefer. And the warning againstlweed notice has been removed. BUST!

7.Oct:
7.30 Tough time getting to sleep last night! Slept through the alarms AGAIN this morn. Woke about 6.30. Should be at FS by 8.30. Prob. arr. 9. Got ALL papers tog. I just hope they don’t call on the res. But I’m remembering The Shelter days. They went well enough. FS will help save some income. – I NEED to get a JOB! Stop this crap. The coming week (next) will be better: Mon. is holiday pay (3hrs. at 12,75 per)., Tue.Wed.Thu. at extra. But then only 1wk. more on the books and a new case to come (IT BETTER COME!). And THEN THE 15th when I expect the shit to hit here w/court. Well, can’t say it’s empty time. – Am thinking I should dye the beard, go to agencies. I want to get to SIBL, get some help, even PCT would give steady income, back to hosp. work. Good possibilities there. Just never time. TIME! How does it pass so quickly? – Oh. And last night, the band on the teeth broke. I think I swallowed it. It’s been over 2 years. I wonder when/if I can just leave it off. (New one on this morn.) – Time to trot along. Nice weather. forecast. – Need to get my hours at PIC back too. Things to be done. Things to be done. – *This is all borrowed time. Just move aling. None of it makes any difference.* – A little note: Keith, don’t take the CB’s in Nov.
11.46 Wavecrest EmerFS 160. 200/mo. Went to JCCRP. Jacquie w/client. I rang. She asked for help (volunteer). Leetha remembers my name! So much I wanted fm Rock I have. Now for hsng. – Movin fwd. Nothing more.
17.26 ATROPA! You know that when things appear to go well, it means everything is wrong. – Well, PIC WIPED AWAY 12700plus hours! WIPED THEM AWAY! In 2 or 3 cheques I’d’ve had a week’s vacation pay, health benefits, &c. Now? I’ve got 34FKING HOURS! TWO YEARS GONE! – I believe the rubber band is in my lung. – I’ve got bad anxiety and apprehension about what to expect at Bedlam. AND I’ve got to be on the train into The City at 6.30 tomorrow morning. – Right. And no food for the wk.end and don’t want to get any in case there’s shit a-waiting. – 17.34 BrdChnl.
19.03 In the chamber. All in order. It stunk sour when I came in but the “marker” was undisturbed. So… – Ev has to replace the cheque for “95”/”ninety”. TD’s opeb Monday. No rush. As Jacquie says “It won’t make you and it won’t break you”. Not compared to what I NEED RIGHT NOW! That vacation cheque would have helped. – Did a tiny wash. Haven’t un-dressed yet. Been in almost 2hrs. Don’tlfeel like cooking. Don’t really feel like eating. It’s the PIC thing. Oh tomorrow! (Oh tonight!) I’m going to try for as much sleep as I can get through the night. I expect it to be broken. So tell me again: What’s the difference bet. here and The Shelter? There, sleep was unsteady. Here too. There, one could come in to find one’s things stolen (my pillows, linens). Here too. There, one could come in to find one’s things trashed. Here too. There, one could come inlto find ine had been tossed out. Here too. There, the idiots made noise into the sleeping hours. Here too. There, was the slamming of doors into the night. Here too. There, I worried about my few things being safe. Here too. So, again: Difference? Even the door-key makes no difference. – Monday is a holiday. You watch, Denise will pull her shit tomorrow whilst I’m gone. Life. That’s all. Life. It’s how things happen. – Why am I still here for all this? REVENGE pure and simple.
I’m tired.
20.20 At 19.52 Nr5 came in pounding on the wall. Earlier, Denise’s little dog threw a barking fit. So far Nr7 isn’t here (22h THAT will hit, no doubt). – I have eaten 6 PopTarts, 1 Coke, 4 LittleDebbie Oatmeal Creams and finished the half’n’half. I am under the blankets, ready to cut the lights and the day. A tumultuous night ahead, NO doubt. – Have compsed an e-mail to the NY Times r/t PIC. Expose of sorts. It’s in draft. – One day, I will be famous. If not famous, then infamous. – It’s rather fun when you stop caring. – And tomorrow morning? Perhaps an olde-tyme BANG on the 5-6 common wall. Bring the place to life when I have to be awake. – Nr5’s at it again (20.29). 4.00…BANG!
OH I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING THESE VERMIN IN COURT! PLEASE HELENE, GET YOUR DATE, CALL ME!

8.Oct:
4.45 I WONDER! Not only did I drift to sleep almost right away last night, I actually woke this morning JUST BEFORE the alarms. Add, the ceiling fan running through the night and the temp in here is 21,5… now 22. And… the wash is almost completely dry! The down side? In only an hour I have to shower. On the rails. Finale? Only 30-some hours in the records. Well? A day with-out aggrevation wouldn’t be mine. – Gee. This MORNING id OK. I wonder how it will close… In Hell, no doubt. No doubt at all. And all that sugar yesterday. Hmmmm. There’s major intestinal distress due. – We shall see. We shall see.
5.50 The time is flying by and yesterday’s diet is blowing out. Not to mention the aggrevation and anxieties of a usual day. Well, I was worried about constipation for a couple of days. Today I worry about being trapped in a tunnel with a churning gut. Always something new. – The ubangies are stirring and I must get my show on the rails. Every day is a night-mare.
PS: Little roaches scurry in the eastern loo. Black mold grows in the west. I stopped bleaching and Lorraine is back. Connections? (Another trot is coming. THIS is gonna be SOME kind of day!)
6.58 53bus. My arse wabts to explode! Nice sun-rise though.
19.34 Got there about 8.20. And actually slept along the way. So tired and afraid to move because of my bowels. – It was EXCRUTIATING! King (RN) was MAGNIFICENT! But to think these idiots, morons, immature, infantile, selfish, self-centred, bastards are actually CERTIFIED AND working ALONE in somebody’s home, never mind in HEALTH CARE! The disrespect, for the RN, for others in the room, was REPULSIVE! Just nasty. Some couldn’t get the most rudimentary facts. Some just didn’t pay attention and yapped and giggled. Some had to sit w/the RN TO TAKE THE QUIZ! (Me? I looked at, marked a BP at 220/94 and wrote 220/84! The proctor called me on it, let me change it. She knew I knew it.) But it was HORRID! I MUST GET OUT OF THIS CHHA CRAP! – Put in my.request for “8 Week Letter” for FS. It will be mailed to me, 3-5 bus.days. Let’s see what THAT says! I’m ready to FIGHT! – Got a lead on a private case. Jewish. Jamaica. About 14$/hr., 14,5hrs., Sundays only. I’ll call on Sunday to arrange a meeting. The money will come in very handy. The hours are tough: 7-21.30. But I understand they feed and are good to the attendants. I’ll see. – Could have met Schmulik after but HAD to get cigs and food so came right back. – Cigs at Duane Reade, “fried” chicken, ice cream at Waldbaums. It kills me to buy food when Stamps are on the way. – As I came in the house, Lorraine was leaving. She actually turned her back to me! Can’t look me in the eye. GUILT! – Shoved “dinner” down my throat. Soaked some “under-things” (now hanging to dry). – And now, 19.53, Nr5 is thumping, Hofstra on the radio (KHRNY? Shabbat I guess), and the one BIG diff. bet. Bedlam and Bellevue? I’m naked on the bed in 24* getting ready to have… A V-TON! The day/week is DONE! And Monday? Work at Holiday rate! Oh, today’s pittance pay was about 6$ more than expected and brought me up to 100 in MCU. Big fking deal. But…
23.03 That’s better. Stim NHF but effective. Followed by ice cream (and mine own had no flavour… after so many days). It wasn’t actually planned. In fact I’d been contemplating a 413 maybe for tomorrow. But, it’s done and no regrets. Now for a very little more “research” on-line and NAP until I wake up. FTW. How ’bout dat? – Silenced the radio too.

9.Oct:
9.34 I decided not to push the day. The alarm let me know when the time was 7h. I acknowledged and got out of bed at… 9.00. I do believe I needed that. Have had coffee. Last night’s meal has already kicked my gut. The wash is almost dry. The dresser is cleared. The bed is orderly. And I am hoping to put quite a large bit more to the illum. today. Let there be PEACE! Things to do. Relaxable things. – I can feel the difference last night’s “413” made. (I think I’ll call him “Hugh”… G.) It’s really interesting what a difference it makes. I wonder if/how it affects others… how they deal, if they even have to. Oh well. – The skies are quite clear. A nice day. – Another trot is coming. Last night’s indigestion. Let’s hope not. – Off to accomplishments.
14.42 The day is going by rather quickly. There’s colour in the illum. and ideas are buzzing. I’m taking a break… a nap soon. The house is calm. Must take advantage. Somebody’s been burning something all day. Maybe the MTA. At times it smells like bar-b-que, other times I think the house is going. Annoying, but like Summer. – I’m in a mood to eat but not hungry. And there’s nothing lunch-like to prep. – To think, I could be wasting time at T7 with Penelope spinning yarns and repeating some old saga, be-jeweling some elephant. Better here. – Am trying to bring the battery on the phone down but it holds the last bar on the charge. – Well, a little snooze then back to illuminations.
22.41 DONE! M&E’s illuminuation is done. And framed. Ready to wrap. Notlwhat I’d envisioned. But most certainly not bad. My “art part” is pretty much dead. True. Dead(artist). – Quiet day. Shockingly so. Even to now. A few, brief rumblings from Nr5. Nothing to say. At about 16h she comanderred the loos. I shat in a plastic bag. It’s wrapped for morning’s “out”. Let Denise search through THAT! – 2 wings, 2 legs chicken dinner. Ice cream dessert. A 30min nap. – I kept at the art. – KHRNY replaced by Hofstra. Nothing at 88,7 now. NPR. Sub for the non-English. I don’t like having English in the house. I’m odd. – The Blackwater crowd is celebrating the warm night… out, in the back lot. Oh dear me such joy! Only talking(yelling). Not the usual Bedlam bullshit. – If I take this Sunday client, by Nov. I’ll have 600$. Keep it, 800-1000/mo. In addition to M&E, that’s good rent… OUT OF HERE! I MUST keep that in mind tomorrow. – And now, no vodka or tonic in the house tonight. Hot water before bed. I’d like a drink. Too late now. And it’s better that I don’t have one because the morning’s are better. I don’t know. But I got the illum done because I didn’tlgo out for a bottle. Good stuff.
(23.16) I ALMOST FORGOT: YESTERDAY, Ms.KING INFORMS IT WAS “HHA APPRECIATION WEEK” THE WEEK PIC WIPED MY 1200 HOURS OUT! THAT’S APPRECIATION!

10.Oct:
0.32 At about 0.02, banging in the wall from the hall. The thermostat. At 0.22 Orlando came into his hole. TV on. AT MIDNIGHT! – Oh take the Sunday job. GET OUT OF HERE!
8.50 Again, sleeping-in. That’ll stop tomorrow. It’s 21 in here, I’m not cold. I wonder… 2 dreams, disturbing dreams. I can’t recall them now. – I need coffee, cigs, vit.c, olive oil… some food. That cheque (90/95) would be just the thing right now. I wonder if FS came through yet (hahaha). – Will ring the new patient today. I’ll take the case (if… they agree AND the pay is what I’ve been told). – For now? For now.
10.17 OK THEN! I JUST realised: Mr.CHHA gave me HIS nr. but NOT THEIRS. I was about to ring them, set-up an interview. Looked for the info. Name only. Oh well. New plans for the day.
18.35 Q21 RockBlvd. Ev got teary over the illum.pg. Took down the fam.photo! WOW! I haven’t been SO appreciated since… NEVER, come to think about it. WOW!
After,made a dep. (95), then to Michael’s for white chic.(cheap brushes,scented candle, pic.hangers fir M&E)…TraderJoe’s(Gyoza,spinach,cream cheese-2,pnut butter, cherries,olive oil). Am pissed buying food. Where are the FS damnit? .JamAv. vodka(I MUST…JUST MUST). Only thing left, cigs. But I can.wait. – 18.42 Lindenwood. I wonder if I should ring Barbara. Prob. not. OK. Yes… More later.
22.32 TV going in Nr7. KHRNY going in Nr.6. I found it IMMED. last night! On ever since. May it continue.
Spoke for HOURS w/Barbara tonight. How my heart aches for her. Bob’s death is becoming that “aware” phase. She tells me it’s not getting “better”. I tell her the truth: It never gets better… just different. I think often, how it is for her. I know, too well. But it was so good to talk w/her. I’m quite glad I called.
Here? The usual HELL. There’s an advert in the Wave for rooms here. “Working people”. WORKING PEOPLE CAN’T GET ANY PEACE IN HERE! I’m thinking of how to post some signs, w/the advert, notifying the general public of the shit in here.
Meanwhile, I’ve put my “Sewage Record” on the 122-22 blog, sent photos of the worsening crack in the wall to the Rockpark bucket. I swear somebody came in here and made it worse! When this goes to court I’ll be ever so ready: refusing rent (proof), the June rent notice via Barbara, the TV & yelling and door-slamming next door, the sewage record, next will be the black mold in hall and shower. Photos everywhere. Indeed.
I’m on the 2nd v-water just for sleep tonight (TV).
Several msgs. fm/to Schmulik today. Chatty. Now that he has someone I’d do him again (no committment necessary). But he’s being “responsible”. Won’t say yes… to “save” me. Like I want to be saved. Right.
TV nr7 is annoying. The Shelter? No difference. Thank haOlam I’ve got kol haShalom.
Still can’t get over M&E’s appreciation!
Keith will be out of the lake house on 10.11. I hope he leaves some things (boots and laundry).
Chicken for dessert (it’s done). White chocolate for dessert. I’m still hungry but too lazy to make a delicious sandwich. Time for sleep anyway. Soon…
No word of that Jamaica pt. Justlwhen I psyched me into taking it. By Thurs. I’ll ring the CHHA who gave me the info. I NEED THE MUNEE HUNEE! NEED TO GET OUT OF BEDLAM!
22.56 I’m goinglto make a cream cheese/cherries on ciabatta roll. No milk. But I’m HUNGRY!

11.Oct:
7.14 Two drinks were 2 too many. But I did get right to sleep… after posting a want/room advert to something called “Vixlist” (at 1h this morning). Then, an alarm to warn me it’s time to get up followed by TVnr7 blasting and a 6.52 blast in the sink. If this isn’t planned and plotted, the WORLD has gone MAD! – M&E today… my “sanity”. – AND a mesage from Motek already. I’m like a stupid high school girl sometimes. – AND I NEED COFFEE!
9.13 53. Bowels churning. Nothing new. Good weather. Tide up. SUPERPISSY MOOD! A face-full of.sewer-air as I washed dishes. Moron7 playing the bangbang. I want to go sleep on the beach now. THIS had better change. And the thermal (white) t-shirt is too warm. I’m just generally annoyed. Generally.

12.Oct:
(0.21 12Oct. Just getting in.) Ref.11Oct: Made it through the day. Bowels settled when I got to M&E’s. Moe showered. Coffe after. At 13h clocked-out. We 3 went on errands. Moe’s watch. I got to Walgreens S.Ozone vit.C/cigs. KeyFood Lefferts coffee. Stop’n’Shop for Ev. Back at 18h. Invited to dinner. – I managed to get extra pages w/photos on the 11222rbb blog! Very happy about that. Now all documentation is stored “off-site”. Got traffic photos printed. Will I make it there tomorrow? Doubtful right now. I doubt I’ll wake on time. And it’s been wonderfully raining, thunder, lightning all night w/more forecast tomorrow. I’ll try though. Principle! – Msg. fm. Schmulik: 8.30-12.30 Thurs. If I’m too tired or just don’t want to accompany him home he’ll “understand”. How could I do such a thing? Of course I’ll go. I’m a schmuck. Would he do it for me? Oh hell no. But that’s not an issue. – OK. So the bus (at 23.19) was packed! On 30Dec. the bloody fares golup 25cents for this abuse! I missed the down-pours. – And always the anxieties about coming here: will the place be trashed; will everything be on the street; lock changed; trapsers; the room shown; nasty note; confrontation; Nr7 drunk/banging/TV; &c. But, the pick-in-the-door isn’t working because it sticks. So I need another idea. – I’m in, here, in the bed, radio on low. Another day. – I so hoped to be struck by lightning or killed by an out-of-control car as I waited for the bus. These are “extra” days now. Why do I continue? (M&E repeated how lost they’d be with-out me. I’m here… for them. Truly.)
0.43 Currently, somebody came in through the stairway door as I recorded the previous. Now, light foot-steps up-stairs. Simebody’s in the room. It’s raining out. Somebody has the key to that room up there. – I could dolw/a shower. No energy for that. – It’s ever so late. Traffic court tomorrow? Yes, probably. But not at 8.30. – Let’sl see how/if I sleep at all tonight. I’ve v-tonic but don’t want one, because tomorrow will be difficult if I do. So? So.
11.57 A to 1199.
At about 10.00, J.Miller calls: It appears (you) want to live (in the house) for free. I have to evict you.
The “job”: I have to fight that.
Parking ticket: THIRD FIGHT.
It’s building…
Schmulik on Thursday.
Next week, 3 appts. for Moe.
Nov.: Waubeeka and, probably court.
Right now it’s usual… my guts are wrenching. I’ll be underground now. No escape to take a dump.
Over-hesrd: The store is rented… To what?
TOO MUCH TOO MUCH TOO MUCH TOO MUCH.
18.36 Q53 Sutter: It’s gone too well. I pray for the strength to endure what is yet to come. I know there is turmoil, tribulation, attack and affront, disastre and terrot to come. The weather was oerfect. Travel was perfect. Timing was perfect. People encountered were perfect. Talking with Moe, and with Barbara was perfect. Seeing my PIC co-worker on JamAv was perfect. I AM IN FOR DOOM AND DESTRUCTION. I expect that to come from the 10.00 phone call from J.Miller. I am anticipating foul, FOUL play at Bedlam… even if not as I ride this bus… I expect that laws will be disregarded, person will be disrespected, property will be violated. Worse, I know, in my gut, that law enforcement will fail.
Out of HB, across the first waters. ’tis all on the “other side”.
I have been a kind soul all day.
19.17 In the room. All is as I left it. Walked the beach fm 108-113. Suddenly so very cold. Not the night… me. – TVnr7 BLARING! KHRNY on the air. – Will I sleep tonight? I wonder.
19.33 The hour. The year. I ask only for strength to endure. Not the impossible. Only the strength to endure, so that I will over-come what is to come.
At 10 I woke, gulped quick coffee. Quick “dump” and shower. Phil in the hall. Manny too. They were joking w/Orlando. “I’m waiting for you to come out in that little green thong.” Then “Let me grab that towel.” I heard Phil say the store down-stairs is rented. I hear someone mention wanting to get a TV from another room. I waited a bit, dressed. I left. – I had no idea where I was going. I headed to the shuttle, went through the turnstile, got on the train. No idea where I was going. I looked on my map for the Traffic Tkt location. Mapquest plotted it at Main St./Jewel Av. (WRONG!) I thought if the bus. Q44. En route to Booth Hosp. I knew that route. OK. But then the thought: Deal with my money/income FIRST. I MUST. THERE’S NO-ONE TO GIVE HELP NOW, NO-WHERE TO TURN. GO TO THE UNION FIRST! The A to 43rd. – As Fate would have it, the Union Rep was at a meeting… at PIC! I was given a form, lv.msg. I did. HAD to use the loo! IT WAS IMMACULATE! It was only gas. I felt godawful and it was gas. But the gas was gone, and it was still only about 13.30. TOO early to come back… Where next? TRY to deal with the ticket now. The E would take me to Jamaica where I could catch the 44 and the E was right there at the corner. – I had a smoke, standing on W.43rd, across the street and steps away from Bradshaw’s. I pondered going over. But for what reason? To what end? What purpose at this juncture? Down, into the tunnels of the subway… The E to Jamaica. – At least the territory is now all too familiar. On tge 44, I watched for Jewel. Onlthe way, the Orthodox enclave. Then, at last. Jewel. But aves. were in the 70’s. I needed 94! I ventured to ask in the 7-11. A Marshall’s office across the st. But 94th was down in Jamaica. Take the 44. I couldn’t; just got off that. Took the 20 (local). I wad getting late. I fugured I’d just ask if I could vring the tkt to that office,..
(PostTime: 21.14)(I swear this phone changes what I put in! i/u, v/b. I haven’t had a drink… yet.) So…
Got the 20 BACK to Jam/Sutphin and THERE! RIGHT THERE, 94thAv! (And the LIRR & AirTrain. Nice bldgs.) NYC Queens Finance (tkt) is a very nice bldg. too. In I went: Info desk-Nr.974, have a seat, watch the monitor, 15.00. I balanced the cheque-book (TERRIFYING!), up-dated my calendar, made notes for HousingCourt (one horror after another). “Now Serving at window 10”. Do I want to pay? No. Take this paper, go to that line. – I go to that line. Do I want to pay? No. Take this paper, go to that room. – I go to that room. “Have a seat.” I do so… and wait as numbers are called. And I wait. The numbers are moving rapidly. I wonder how the clip-board man (not “lady” as fm. The Shelter… memories) is getting the numbers. Then, a woman across fm me comments “You’ve been here a long time.” (30mins. actually.) Clip-board man says “Did you give me your number?” “You told me to sit down. You didn’t ask for my number.” “Get on line.” I get on line. – Room 29. A stout bit of book-wormish man, early 30’s, at a desk w/computer, file boxes covered the walls. Do you want to pay? No. He taptaps the key-board, the printer prints. “I hope I hit the right button.” he says. WHAT? I’m going to Rikers, I thought. (It was a matter of “Paying” or “Hearing”.) Take these papers, have a seat on that wall. – I take the papers, and the seat on that wall. A man directs me to thst room (38 I believe). – A rather young, Black woman, seated at another desk with another computer in a rather blank room. The name plate reads “Judge…” She appears tired, firm, stearn. She bids me sit down (on a chair across the room, against the wall, in front of her desk. The demarcation is obvious. I sit quietly, waiting for instruction. She is annoyed by a malfunctioning cassette recorder. She finishes, types, looks up…) “Raise your right hand?” I take the oath. She reads the tkt particulars. She asks for my defence. I calmly, casually give. I present my little photos…
(the damned thing wiped-out an entire entry! Re-cap at 22.01 as Denise’s dog yips and Lorraine thuds.)
The judge suggests that if this had been recent, she’d have me return to the block to take more photos because mine don’t indicate the street/location. But, by now, leaves have probably fallen and the signage will be more visible. She taps the key-board and bids me to the desk. She’s pulled-up a 360* image of the street! With scaffolding! There’s a sign UNDER the scaffolding! The trees are there! I show her where I was parked. I am AMAZED! I return to my seat. She ponders, types, the printer prints. She says, considering my testimony and photos and computer image, she is DISMISSING the tkt! I feel my eyes dampen. It’s not so much my license (scanned 3or4 times… at least I know it’s valid… with Walker Valley addresse, issued 2005) but Moe’s car. CLEARED! She hands me a paper: Keep it for 8yrs.3mos. I thank her, sincerely, and head for the door. It’s just round 17.00. – I immediately ring Moe with the news. He cingratulates me and asks if I don’t think there’s some “Kafka” involved with the scenario. KAFKA? Of course. My existence is Kafka for krise-sake. He is happy, proud for me. I am relieved. – I stroll to JamAv for my choice of 4 busses back to Bedlam. I KNOW THE BUSSES HERE! 4 years and I know bus routes, can drive about. – As I’m waiting: “Hello. How are you?” A co-PIC-HHA, we see each-other at In-Svces. We talk a while. She’s quite the good person. Suggests she’ll get me to PIC-Private Pay. Nicer pts. Greater longevity. She leaves, a 54 comes. I board. – Rang Barbara with the news. She was astonished! and happy for me. We chatted a while and then… HB. The “GOOD” day was coming to an end… and so it has.
Now, at 22.21, I had Gyoza, burger, veg. Ate from the pit. It’s soaking over-night. Had a lite v-tonic. It’s not working. I’m not sleepy. KHRNY fuzzy. I’m hungry. – Bowels held all day. The room wasn’t trashed. It began almost miserably. It went splendidly. – I’m going to have a sandwich…

13.Oct:
7.18 9* at Idlewilde. That was a nice surprise. And had KHRNY not come back on the air, I would have still been asleep. I wanted to be awake at 6.00. In reality, I want to sleep MUCH MUCH longer. But, as I thought last night, walking from the ocean: 1 victory, 2 defeats. – This morning will be: coffee, dump, shower, dress, run. (Hopefully, the PIC lettre will be at the PO. But…) I could bring it in tomorrow morning and head into The City. – Must remember to prep my cases: Union and HP Court.
16.10 As I got to the stairs, came and went the 22bus! I waited a bit at B116 for the next. Too late for PO, too early for M&E. I went to Staples to copy the tkt papers and walked to M&E. – Shower. That was the extent of it. 3hrs. And coffee. – Next week will be many private hours. (May money come rapidly… so I can LEAVE HERE!) Next week is the ladt on the case. – Left about 13.30. The 35 came. I got off at B102 for the 22 to the PO. WAITED A LONG WHILE! Got to the PO about 15h. Pay-stub. No PIC lettre! – Whilst waiting for the return 22, rang 311 r/t illegal evict. Ordered Tenants’ Rights booklettes x10. Will arrive approx.7 days. I can leave 5 on 2nd fl. 5 on 3rd. Surely this will cause MUCH disturbance. But will also indicate my knowledge of the law. – Arr’d at almost 16.00. Hungry. But don’t want heavy/cook. Things I could do but am SO DAMNED TIRED! (5hrs. sleep last night?) Entertained “wiring” and heading to 413 but would rather nap whilst I may. – Oh and… Am now makung a whopping 8,75/hr! Bless my socks. BFD! – OK. Nap. Lorraine’s plodding about but I’m so tired I don’t care. JUST so long as nobody comes a-rappin’at m’door! I’m in no mood (or condition) to confront.
17.32 30min nap. Peanutbutter cream cheese cherries on ciabatta. Tonic. Cig. I’m going to try for some sleep now. I know it won’t BE. But I’m tempted to go buy a sleeping bag and just head to Bakfort for the night.
20.44 I’ve been half asleep all the while and just woke for water, pee, cig. No radio on. I want the quiet for a change. No light on. INTERESTING: TV7 is on VERY low. Nr5 has been quite civilised w/the thump/scratch. They don’t know I’m here and so… NO ANNOYANCES. PROOF! To me, anyway. The noise IS to annoy.
Now to try to return to sleep until at least 2.00 or 3.00.
DREAM: I don’t recall the beginning. I was on a street, w/a group of people. We were together. I was sewing simething w/a large needle. The bus came. I ran across the street, finished-off the sewing by running 2 lg stitches in the ground and ran to catch the bus. I was concerned about having to carry the needle on the bus but wouldn’t part w/it. I had to keep it. Got to the bus, the driver started to leave then stopped again when he saw me standung there. I reached into my jeans pocket to get my fare. My hand got stuck because there was so much in my pocket! The driver was annoyed. AND I was on the wrong side of the bus. As I came round the front of the bus to board, I half-woke… but the dream continued. I boarded the bus and collapsed at the fare-box to make everyone thunk I’d gone terribly weak, and to make the driver worry. – I woke.
I’m not too tired now but in the dark. Am going to try to get back to sleep… in the unusual quiet here tonight.

14.Oct:
1.19 SILENT! I’ve decided to wake… in the SILENCE, out up the radio, have a coffee. 8hrs sleep. Time for a nap. Can go to MMLib this morn. Could even make shachrit at T&V. Imagine.
WHAT I CANNOT GET OVER IS THAT IT WAS SO QUIET ALL FREAKIN NIGHT! NO TV BLARING, NO SLAMMING DOORS, NO WALL-BANGING!
VERMIN!
Well… Boker tov.
8.29 There went another morning. Cleaned the phone files. Woop. Took a 45min nao. OK. Then rushed to get out.
BIG OLD GERMAN SHEPHERD IN THE STORE-FRONT THIS MORNING! Hmmmm.
New warning sign on the bed. I’m in a mood when it comes to the house.
Well… across the waters, here comes another day.

22.14 Was on the G at 21.07. I’m in the worst mood here on the N.Chnl.Br. in.the rain. REALLY! This morn: injured passenger at Hoyt, C w/brakes in emer. Fked the bloody A. At Hoyt, they oulled 2 cars into the statn to let people off. I stayed. But then.the conductor announced he was re-locking the doors on thr count of 3… 1 2 3 he counted. Some of us laughed. At Jay, I changed for the F. I’e hoped for MMLib. At Delancey, a wait. I got off, above ground to WALK to 24th! FK! Got to NYU at almost 11! to find that things not going well for Schm. either. His “dentist” claimed he’d a needle-stick… come back at 14h! – More later. TIRED AND BLOODY HUNGRY AT B94.
(23.46) Got in at 22.23. Food? Cream mushroom w/garlic soup, frijoles, spinach, 2 potatoe patties, olive oil. One pot. I’ve eaten the whole thing. Dishes washed. 23.26. – Got off 53 at 116. MetroCard for tomorrow. Drizzle. Lights on in store-front. A sign store coming in. I let the main door slam, like-wise the glass door, then my door. DROPPED the back-pack. Lost it and THREW my sneakers on the floor. Let them ALL know I’m “in”. I don’t care. I JUST DON’T CARE! Put food inkto cook. Got comfy.
So… S. had to get pain meds. We walked up 2nd. Psssed B&R Uniforms. I went in for scrubs, hoping for navy and black. S. went to DR. Soon he was back. The NYU didn’t properly write the script. He had to go BACK! – B&R let me try the scrobs on. At 30$ they’d better! I got the navy. They didn’t have the black pants. And they’re very thin material. But long enough. – S. back. We went to Cosmos. S. paid my coffee and nasty french toast. We sat, talking for a long while. He was SO impressive! Bears pain wonderfully! His fam is Russian! We talked about haAretz. He spoke marriage and going back… US. It hasn’t changed. We stopped at Halpern’s. He needed oads for Lilli. – We went back to NYU. The “dentist” said “no chair” had to wait until 16.00! Well? We waited. At 16h he went in, I went for a smoke, Rsng EV. It began to rain. – By 17.30 we were out for a cab. – At S.’s: Lilli is SO CUTE! and friendly! Natasha too. We walked Lili. Back.at the flat I had a v-pom. We talked. Good stuff.
I’m exhausted. 23.45. Extra time w/Moe tom. And I want to get to PO in the morn.
NOW! LET THE BLOODY NOISE BEGIN! I’M WOUND FOR IT… AND…
WAR!

15.Oct:
20.17/15.10: Just getting in and settled w/Lorraine thumping and SOMEBODY BLARING CLASSICAL MUSIC! The other night it was OPERA! Hmmm.
It occured to me, walking fm B108; I was awake at 1h yesterday, got to bed at 1h this morn. 24 hours!
Let me finish yesterday (if I can):
14Oct: Maybe it was the drink (for me) and the meds for him (S.) but, at the diner he spoke of marriage and goinglback to Israel. This eve. he wanted to know my phantasies/fetishes and the likes. As I began to tell (all), Chris came in. Squelched that. I was disappointed. But he told me of his main: FF. Imagine that. But w/someone to be trusted. Hmmm. As I say, squelched. – So I had a 2nd v-pom and some chips. It got late. I had to leave. – By 21.07 I was on the G… to Queens. WRONG! Should have gone in the other direction. Got off at the Lorimer L, BwyJct A. TWO pulled in: Lefferts and Rock. I took the Rock… LOCAL! But we left Grant 1st. Q53 to B116. Got a MCard and came to Bedlam.
The day was fascinating: S. handled his pain VERY well. He managed the justifiable anger VERY well. The talk of marriage, US going back to Israel, the intimacies and one mention of how he’s being “tempted” to allow him-self to go w/my “suggestives” (my term, for lack of better). Quite fascinating. And here I thought I’d “aged” beyond any sort of attractiveness. – He and C. met via ManHunt. Quite civil. I find that interesting. – And that he actually wanted ME to be there through what he anticipated as a “worst scenario”. Well… OK then. Quite the day.
Now to bring us back to current, as the classical music continues sojewhere outside my window, and someone keeps tapping things against my walls (Nr5 and in the hall)…
20.39 I put water on to boil. It was 18* when I got in. Am trying to decide: hot water, tea, a drink, a sleep aid. Need to get to PO in the morn. The lettre fm PIC wasn’t there this morn. I’ll see how I feel when this entry is done. – SO! I managed to sleep past the two 5.00 alarms this morning. Considering the 24hr. pull of yesterday, it now comes as no surprise. Woke aboutl7.30. Coffee, smoke, teeth, little quick-dump, shower, dress, OUT. Ever so windy and quite chilly too! 35 to Tilden. NO MAIL! 22 to B108 for 53. – Debra! It’s really a comfort and delight to see her. Truly. (20.46 Nr.7 joins the chorus of banging.) But I was chilly and she was wearing a light sweater. On her way to 116 to get a jacket. (Nr.7 whistling/humming now. This is so planned!) If I’d had, I’d’ve given her an extra jacket or something. – Well, by 9.40 I was at Moe’s. I fixed his breakfast. Then welall had coffee. He’s resolved to clean-out 1 file/day, w/my help and inspiration. Goodness me! – At about 11.30 I drove Ev to her hair appt. Returned to help Moe w/shower and shredding. – At av bout 14h we got Ev, went to Shalimar for lunch. Staples for ink, back to their flat. 10hrs in this week. – We got to talking. I mentioned my Kingston days of booze, more on the parental abuse. They’re getting an eye-opener and I’m spreading truths. Pretty good. – Left after dark. VERY windy tonight. 53 back to Bedlam. – I should fix hot food. No interest, no inclination. Oh, but the 160FS has come. Now I can get food and save income. YAHOO! Right. – Today, left msg. w/1199 and PIC says they mailed the lettre. So now we wait. – Rcv’d msg. fmS.: SO VERY APPRECIATIVE for my company yesterday!
20.58 I want to check tomorrow’s weather. Will try for PO in morn. May be more heavy winds. Oh well. – The water is boiled. The temp is 20. The thumping bits haven’t been too bad (Nr.5 just recommenced. I r don’t have the radio on.) Annoying because of inconsideration. But they’re mentally and socially retarded. – Time for a drink of some sort. Shoul eat. No bread.

16.Oct:
7.57 11* JFK. 8* chill. 17,5 in here. I let the alarms go at about 7.00. Just dozed. Feeling a bit rested. NOAA says clear, up to about 16 today. I should go to the PO. I’d like to go to 413. We shall see. I’m not pushing me today. I don’t think I can. – Water on to boil, and for heat. – Drain kept gurggling this morn. I think Orlando’s throwing aftershave in his. – I need a haircut.
16.39 Today, at about 15.00, “413’s” became “official”. Although, it wasn’t quite as I’d thought, it’s done. Do it again? Yes. Sure. Just during the week when no one’s roaming the Bakfort. But I’m glad I got to it.
The PIC “lettre” was at the PO. All it is is a list of dates and pay amounts. The info, written-in on a printed form. But now I can give it to FS.
I stopped in T6 to see Penelope. Just as if nothing ever happened. On her side… then mine. She’s got a hair-style that truly cuts about 30 years. Looks great. We talked as if there’d been no break. I wonder if she remembers at all.
After 413, a walk on the beach. NOT ONE WAVE! NOT EVEN A SWELL! Water UNBELIEVABLY CLEAR! Shells, not trash, all over. Tilden returns. Peace.
P. dropped me at the bus. Quiet ride to Bedlam.
Lorraine in the loo. Now pfutzing in her chambre. I heard her complaining to someone about something and then Phil saying something about just throwing something (or somebody) out. I’m in anger mode. Let’s not go for that.
Gyoza/spinach done. Time to eat. Then nap. Later, banque and food. No more spending cash on food! A BLESSING.
21.05 Q53 HB to TD. Dear Huawei, your products are shit. Dear MetroPCS, your service is shit.
Dear me, WTF? Imagine I still think of it: on a bus, 21.00, here, knowing where I am, where I’m going, alone, at night, running errands, in a place I’d only heard of and never thought I’d be in, never mind feel comfortable in.
Spoke with the store renters as I was leaving. Wished them luck (they should only know)- Spoke w/Ev prior. She wished me luck tomorrow.
And now? This phone is fkingup and I should be in the middle of another “413”. “Nick” (I like the name, it’s close enough to “Richard” and to prick. So Nick it is.) wants more (and there’s nothing on this bus!).
ATlantic! 21.14…
23.42 NYC! Bullsht! ATM dep. at the banque and 9-item grocery shopping. 21-23.30! 2,5hrs! Public trans. Right. BUT… I’ve resolved to put 60% of the MCU into TD since TD gets interest and no fees. I’m no-where near saving this dump, and not so sure I wantlto. So the savings is for moving. – At Waldbaums, used FS and WOW! With the WB card, the bill went from 27,09 DOWN TO 18,87! FS should see that! Me? I’m going to show Ev… w/her 2-300 shopping. – AND as I left DR (when I got back to The Rock) a msg w/pic fm Schmulik. Leather jacket, but only the upper. Fine. OK. I tend to think I’m still “in there”. Don’t know why. I’m so OLD. – The bus back was so packef the driver let me and a woman in the back door. Some loonybitch called someone for a room rental! Then listened to her voice-mail on spkr and yelled at the msgs. She got off at… of course… B116. There was a MOST attractive young man on the bus. But when I saw my reflection in the window… well… I might have had a chance but the reality stopped it all. Esp. since I no longer have even a tan. – Tomorrow… I’m going to mention that I smoke. I’ve a feeling that will kill it. But the job is 14,5hrs and I will not quit for 1 day at 13/hr. 25? Yes. – And now my v-V8 and hopefully to sleep. – Nr7 TV was on when I came in. I let my door slam. Cooked 4eggs/muenster. Washed the dishes. Noisy me. – Shema… Mid-night. (Every night at mid-night KHRNY)

17.Oct:
9.31 Donna Summers is screeching on the wind. I don’t know where this stuff is coming from but it does not bode well. The new store? The restaurant? The neighbours? The 1st floor-back-yard idiot? Not good. – Eggs and cheese do not counter 2 drinks. – Nick took quite a beating last night before I could fall asleep (and he’s suggesting more this morn, imagine). – T-shirts in soaking for work. – I woke at 9.18. – Tomorrow must be an early day. Off to B59 before all else. – Let’s take the moments as they come. – 9.39 sewage up the drain. There’s a moment. – Bed linens should be washed and what shall I wear this eve for the interview? – Another day. Another day. Where’s the desk clerk? I’d like to check-out.
19.23 “2008 2009 were bad years for you. Dec. 2010 you will be very lucky. Good things will happem for you.” “You are a lucky man.” He’d written “rose” on 1 pc., the nr.3 on the other.
I left at 14.00, 53-J-30. Arr’d 15.39. HB was at her car to take the grand-children to a party. She’d forgotten the interview! But it happened. She is a delight, as is MB. They must be in their 50’s! And Hillcrest, just through JamEstates is lovely. They’re Modern Orthodox. Not “radical right” Rockaway (as she put it). 1,5hrs. I am back-up for now. It’s frightening: in his 50’s, brilliant, trapped in a body that’s shutting down. He smiled, spoke a little. It will be a bit difficult, the tasks, but she is receptive, he appears kind. It would be nice to begin, I could use the income. It will be a difficult commute on Sunday mornings. MTA said: Q35 at 1.00! I’ll look further into it. – Spoke w/M&E. They are, of course, worried about losing me. We’ll talklmore tomorrow. – Got cereal and beans en route back. Phil stsnding out front. Pleasant. No mention of my rent situation. – All in order here. Chicken frying. I’m hungry.
(PostTime: 19.55) At JamAv a guy offered to buy a cig for 1$. I gave him one, no charge. How much, I wonder, are loosies going for at The Shelter these days? And, will I have to care… soon? (I really do want to bring the house issues into court. But I don’t trust the thieves and gypsies running this place… or the ones living here… Phil, Lorraine in particular.) – Dinner is already repeating on me!
22.40 It was ever so calm, quiet this evening. Nr7 made tuny taps and stopped. Nr5 did her usual 22.00 bang-thump. I posted to the 112-22 to her. No sense talking at it. – An e-mail fm. then to Schmulik. – A hot water. I need to get to sleep. – The pillow-case is dirty. Stamoed w/Property of DHS, the dirt is TOO appropriate. – I wonder about the Indian fortune teller. (But, he wanted money. I gave him change:1$. He insisted I give paper. Said he knew I had paper. “Check the wallet.” So I pulled out my wallet. It contained the “Sh’ma”. He didn’t suggest my note-book. If he’s so all-knowing, he’d have done so.) – And now to close this day. Tough times lie ahead… court… HP… AGAIN!

18.Oct:
6.33 23* How the days change from hot to cold to comfortable. – I think I fell right to sleep last night. But no matter how much sleep I get, I wake fatigued. Anxieties, because of this hole. – Jotted a note to FS, including SASE if they want to return the PIC doc. Need to be on an 8h bus to the FS office. Can (I hope) take the A to RockBlvd fm there then bus to work. Nightmare at RockBlvd. That’s where it PACKS. But… – I’ve time for a quick nap. Will do. Rest whilst ye may. Extra hrs. this after-noon. – Will there be a “note” r/t HP today? Ah… we never know. – I need a place to store my little things. And to where shall I move with NO furniture? I got so screwed with/by DHS. Could have been paying 50$/mo. Could have gotten furniture allowance. Got? NOTHING! So typical.
20.49 4egg/cheese:2 sandwiches. Quiet house. Suspicious.
Up at 5.30. Out by 8.00. Lettre AT FS 8.50. The A fm Straiton. (I really don’t want to leave Rockaway.) MY Gaston is gone. INVADED! Built! Stolen. Destroyed. The peace, solace, consolation, lives on only in my heart. – Arr’d M&E at EXACTLY 10.00. – StopStor wants 60$/mo. for a 4×4! Not good. Will HAVE to keep looking. – Spoke w/1199. C.N. will investigate. She’s not the brightest… of course, Union. – Ev to The City. Moe and I fiked/shredded. I did his lunch. I FIXED THE STOVE! Ev can use the front burner again! I’m happy. – Ev back at 18.00. 5hrs private. – Dee signed-off case. PT to sign-off Thursday. Dee asked if I’ll continue private. She’s aware. – Left at about 19.15. Usual bus ride back. Snd ANXIETIES about here. – 21.03 food eaten. Repeating already. Time for dishes.
22.12 ONE v-pom. I’m too wound. Anxieties. They’re getting to me. The bus-ride tonight: actually sick in my gut.
E-mail fm. S.: Tel Baruch! I can’t believe I’d forgotten the name! (Not to be mistaken for haShem.)
OK. Enough…

19.Oct:
9.31 FINALLY! Inet! None since 5.38. I feel like dying. EXhausted!
11.55 Well, made it to the Dr.
19.40 Lindenwood Q21: Made it to M&E by 9.00! (calcing fm 10 tho) It started not too well, rt.rear tyre low again, and the canned fix only let out more air! We stopped at the usual Mobil and the stem on their air hose was broken. I dud manage to fill the tyre though and off we went to The City. – Don’t ask how, I still don’t know how, but in trying to avoid all sorts of traffic, I got into LIC and no clue where. BUT… ended up RIGHT AT THE TUNNEL! And got to the Dr. w/10mins to spare! – Parking? Once up 6th to 10th to 5th to WashSqNo to 6th and PARKED! 2,75/hr. When I got to the Dr., they were already IN! Not 20mins later, done. WOW! – Lunch. Did I have anyplace in mind… Yes, M.Wells. “OK”. OFF WE WENT. Again, I was going pretty blind but LO and BEHOLD! FOUND! It’s VERY small, OLD diner. Parking in a 10$ lot across the st. (but right at the stairs to HuntersPt. subway MainSt. line), no ADA ramp. I paid the parking and in we went: Nothing particularly Quebec about the place or menu. Creton, but that’s about it. I had a lamb/beef burger w/No.Afrikan spiced mayo. UNBELIEVABLY UNBELIEVABLE! SO GOOD! 10$. M&E had egg dishes. Coffee. They shared a spiced brownie a la mode, I had apple crisp. NOT A CRUMB REMAINED…
19.57:Rock… more about talkung w/owner, Moe’s observation of my kin-ship w/the NYC.QUEers.
22.29 After we’d finished eating, I got to talk w/the owner, Hugue duFour. Magnificent accent that I noticed wasn’t Montreal. Come to learn: lac St. Jean! VOYONS! We talked tourtiere, poutine, CARIBOU. Moe commented on how nice it is to see me connecting w/Quebec here. (It’s making me dreadfully home-sick.) (’tis the season.too.) M&E said they enjoyed the food and want to go again. (I almost dropped when I saw the check: 60$ w/tip! My burger 10, coffee 1,50, apple crisp 4. The food is truly fab. But that was a rather steeo bill.)
So, a big clincher: AS WE GOT TO THE PARKING LOT, the attendant MET US AT THE GATE IN THE CAR! Woah!
Well, we headed for Trader Joe’s where Ev did a cart-ful of shopping. I went to Staples for a binder and inserts (1 set me, 1 set Moe). Then back to the flat by 18.00.
LONG day. (Tomorrow will be longer… leaving at 8.00, and 3hrs. in PIC time.)
But a super day.
Meanwhile, somebody at PIC is trying to give me a case in Rockaway. I have to call tomorrow to find out where/whom.
Tonight I began my HP Case paper-work in the binder… now in my back-pack… MORE weight.
There’s a bed on the curb for tomorrow’s pick-up. As I approached Bedlam, I expected it to be mine. Probably Helene’s. But I handled it well, expecting it to be mine.
So, now (22.44) is WAY late. Lorraine has done her gig, Orlando started his at 21.00 and has been yawning/grunting on and off. I’ve had Cheerios. I live in fear of washing the dish, running water will signal Nr.5. THIS is NO way to “live”.
Oh, washed my jeans this morning.
Now I must try for sleep! Poor Nick hasn’t been attended-to x2days now. No time, little stirring… and anxieties. Maybe tomorrow. A nap now. – No matter how much sleep I get, I’m wasted.
And the Internet on the phone has been atrocious all day!

20.Oct:
5.10 Oddly enough I came up out of sleep just before the 4.45 alarm. Waited for the 5.00 alarm. Hit snooze and… I WAS SO COMFY! I want to sleep more but… nope. – The ceiling fan on all night. Slept in my sweats. 22* in here this morning. Jeans are dry. And I’ve a Mohawk… from sleep. – 45mins until shower and out. Never enough… no… never rest. Never. – 11 days til month’s end. Then November. December and… ANITHER BLOODY YEAR!
7.10 Q53 Just saw Helene at 116. Good to see her. She’s got things in the room and attic at Bedlam. Told me “I’ll have that money for you Friday.” I told her to forget it. I CAN’T take money from her. Esp. now when she needs to move! – Bratbus!
17.23 Got in at 17.02. At 17.17 the little dog had a yip-fit followed by the lackey-fit(Tito). Now the drunk(Orlando comes in. I’m wasted, so tired! I actually need to nap. Need to go to the market, need to cook the chicken in the fridge, need to wash my sweats. Need to nap. – Arr’d M&E at 8. Monica came 8.16. I managed to print a receipt for Helene (very happy about that) and off we went at just before 9. – I was heading for the BklynBr but got into TRAFFIC and got turned round. Got the ManhattanBr which should have been better but REALLY got turned round and went ChinaTwn/LES! HOWever, got the VERY SAME parking space on 4thAv! So we 3 walked to U.Sq. Made it right on time! – At 10, I notifued PIC of phone trouble and clocked in. Moe went RIGHT IN to the Dr! I tried “Stella” again (PIC for Rockaway pt.). No answer… again. So I waited for M&E. WELL! Theylwere in and out WITH-IN the hour and by 11 we were on our way back to Queens! – Moe was exceptionally slow in getting about today. Fatigue. Ev commented and he got edgy. Unlike both of them. I was fatigued and annoyed but thought: I’m getting paid no matter how the pace goes. so what? – A trip to RiteAid on Woodhaven. Ev shopped, used my card (I got points, she got bargains.) Then to FHCoffee…
Got parkimg on Selfridge after quite the drive. Streets in this boro are SO indirect! Now, as I’m standing at the car door, getting the Rollator out and waiting for Ev to get out, A DK.GRN. JEEP SUV COMES ALONG AND CLIPPED MY BACK-PACK W/HIS SIDE-VIEW MIRROR AND KEEPS DRIVING! I FLIPPED THE BURD. HE STOPS AND COMES TO GIVE ME AN ARGUMENT AS I’M WRITING HIS PLATE NR.! I JUST SAID “TELL THE POLICE.” I wanted to say more but M&E were there. I held it at that. THEN A BUDDY IF THE DRIVER, IN ANOTHER VAN, STARTS TELLING ME I DON’T KNOW THE LAW AND I SHOULDN’T BE IN THE STREET! I COMMENTED: “THERE’S NO TALKIMG TO RETARDS.” HE CALLED ME THE RETARD! MEANWHILE, MY ATTACKER COMES UP AND SAYS “YOU LEAVING THE SCENE?…”
…”YOU CALLING THE POLICE?” SAYS I: “I’M MIMDING MY OWN BUSINESS HERE. YOU NEED TO MIND YOURS.” That was that. – Next thing, Moe’s talking he’s upset by the matter. I left his comment alone. We went to brunch (pancakes).
During the drive back and continuing through lunch they wanted to hear about the traumas of my youth. They’re fascinated by it and by the fact that I’m so “kind, considerate, compassionate, mild-tempered and well-adjusted” and that I don’t let it all get to me. WTF am I supposed to do about it? As I told them: It happened and you can’t un-ring a bell and I can’t make it better. So?Ev says I’m quite unique and should write. (What they don’t know is that telling people is my therapy; the truth is being spread about and that moron’s reputation is now irreparable. My Mum and I are vindicated.)
Back at the flat by 15.00. I replaced a bulb in the computer room, we chatted. The PIC case closes tomorrow. Ev wants me back in Fri. even at private. OK.
Left at about 16.00. Considered going to the AvZ 99cnt just to stay away fm Bedlam but was too tired. Got a 21 immed. and… here I is. (At 18.01 and still no nap!)
NOW FOR THAT NAP!
19.43 Half-napped x1hr. Dinner: left-over pita, fried, cream cheese/cherries. Then 2 fried eggs bet. bread, grilled. V8. Not much. Not bad. Enough. Light and radio on. The nap helped. Battle mode. – Smokey from the butter in the pan. I’m thinking: sleep now, wake REALLY EARLY, haircut. PO in morning (rain). Library run (FR/MM). HP Court papers (maybe). A day empty on the calendar. Not sure what to dolwith it. Have to re-adjust MetroCard back to Mondays too. Must plan. – Now, wash dinner utensils. Then? Not much. It’s been a long while, nothing immediately urgent.
22.07 Damned good thing I don’t have to get up at 4.00 tomorrow. – Went on-line to search for storage. Bull! Google gave me Bklyn, OSHAWA, and all over. No details given for any place. At one point I had TWO Yellow Pages AND Internet! Results? Nothing. I have to call or go. – Next? Incense! I’ve got the black fabric over the door and the stench STILL comes in. Phil’s toking again. – Orlando and his sewage, yelling, stumbling, thumping. – Lorraine and her thumping, scratching. At about 22.00 another call to 311. THAT idiot put his own story into it. I let it go. – Now I’m just wound. – Have put the trimmer up to charge. Will try to get up EARLY and do a haircut in the MORNING. A little wash too. Then get on with the day, sleeping on busses and subways. My eyes are burning. Maybe a v-shot neat. I don’t really want, but will need the help for the coming “nap”. – Calc’ed Friday’s accounts: 430 before MetroCsrd, &c. NOT even NEAR what I really need. – WHY? Why am I bothering! – 22.19 and Lorraine’s STILL at it! I’m convinced it’s planned, intentional and concerted. An effort to get me out. I WANT OUT! NEED OUT! DEATH? Most probably so. – To think I came here, happy, to get away from this kind of existence. Look. Here it is. Of course, M&E have it over them. Barbara, over her. WTF is going on? WHY is there no stopping it, getting rid of noise trash? Majes no sense. – Nick got his attention, briefly, this morning. Didn’t help my attitude. – A sleeper-shot. Yup. Lights out by 23.00, up by about 5. FKME!
22.51 THE POLICE! POUNDING ON MY DOOR! I DID NOT CALL THE DAMNED POLICE! WTF? AND DENISE STANDING THERE GIVING SNGRY LOOKS. SND PHIL IN THE HALL! SOB MF! Well, Phil now knows I’m ready for court. I let him know. Now comes the deep sht. Happy Autumn. Gives me something to do… JCCRP. File complaint.

21.Oct:
6.15 Woke just before the 5.45 alarm. EXHAUSTED! Coffee done. Straightened the rug that got pulled when I slammed the door when the police left last night. Ready to cut hair. Ready to go back to sleep. Need to get out if here… today… forever. Just finishing my cigarette. Just… Looking at a day of travel-for-rest. This business of: “1st thing in the morning and last thing at night Anxiety” is wearing me down. – Find storage, get things out, figure where to go from here. Who knows? This morning? The Shelter is looking OK. – Thought, as I tried for sleep last night: NOBODY to call on, or go to, for help… NOBODY. Maybe The Shelter is where I should go. – 6.23 Haircut. Get that out of the way. Then…
7.29 Strsightened the rug. Cut the hair. Found the glasses. Washed the under-things. Finished the coffee. Need to sleep.
KADIMA! KADIMA! KADIMA!
13.14 FRLib. Isn’t it rather strange that I’m back to “survival” mode, wandering and filling time and making the library rounds. It’s back to the very beginning at Jim’s and quite the same as at Margot’s. Quite the same. – This mirning, going to the bus I saw “Matt”, Helene’s friend. GAVE HIM THE RECEIPT FOR HELENE. He had things to tell r/t Ms.D. He too is looking into litigating against her! THREE of us! I thought: I’m not alone in this anymore. I’m actually a part of a part of Rockaway now. Matt mentioned the court $. I told him the receipt cancels all that. It’s nice to know folks who know folks. He says we’ll be in touch on the wk.end. I do hope so. – This morning was the 35 to the PO. A stroll to the beach to send this morning’s haircut to where the rest of me should be. The 22/53 to Storage Post where it was comforting to talk with a stranger who was kind, understood (why I’m looking for storage) and took me on a tour. A visit to Safeguard storage where a kindly man gave me a lwad on where I could get the size unit (but at too much) immed. Kind people. A stop at the 99cent at CVS and then, at only 11.45, that unkowing emptiness. I decided on here, FRLib. A half-nap on the A. A stop at JCCRP (Jackie will be back on Monday). I’m here. No prob. No prob. I’ll get more in to nyc8539266 here. Then to MMLib. I’m avoiding the place where I have food and a bed. Too familiar. No-where to go, no-one to actually talk with about the Truth in my life. Nothing changes but the time and weather.
16.20 MMLib PAIN! I mean REAL PAIN! In, of all places, my rectum. Like I have a huge, dry stool trying to come through. But not a BM. Just PAIN. And I feel strange. Weakish. Oddish. Hmmm. I wonder. – So, one more day of 839266 on-line. It went well at FRLib. Then to the A, and half-nap through Bklyn. – Before leaving FR, Sharma: No case tomorrow. I spoke w/Ev. Paul wouldn’t extend to tomorrow. She’s rather not-happy w/about it. But I’ll be working private fm 11.00 for them. – Appt on PC in 10mins. I wonder what this pain is. Like a spasm of the sphincter. And no time for the loo. I had a good BM this morning. I attribute it to anxieties, nerves. Bedlam is killing me. Well, last night I told Phil that Denise has been crawling up my arse. Maybe it’s HER in there… approriate: a pain in the arse, feels like sht; Denise. Yup.
21.58 Bedlam. TWO DAYS OF 8539266 ON WP AT MMLib! WAHOO! – Walked down to meet Schmulik at his office. Lili was there too! He finished his work, went to DuaneReade. His Dr. claims his VitD is low. He’s on a 1/wk script. I wonder. He says Chris’ D is low. Ev & Moe too. The new medical money-maker? Anyway, we rode the train tog. to Hoyt. He to the G, me to the A to the 53. – I stopped at Waldbaums for half’n’half, cheese, Fage, Gorton’s fish filets, tinned peaches. 24$! Thankfully, FS! – I was SO uneasy comimg here but all was as I’d left it. At about 20.45 I threw the chicken in to “yankee jerk”, fish into fry. Orlando knew I’d come in and, GOODNESS! the BANGING! Missy D. must’ve offered him some bonus to get rid of me. Soooo… I cooked, did my dishes after and from since about 21.30, am soaking t-shirts. Will wash/rinse at about 22.30. They need to be washed. I’m NOT going to be quiet any more. OK for them, OK for me. – Quite the day today. Much travel (again). And tomorrow, M&E (and, for nothing, pay fm PIC).
22.38 4 t-shirts on the rack, musique francaise su’l’radio, dishes done. This day is OH-VUH!
OBSERVATION: Denise encouraged me to call the police on Helene, encouraged me to take her to court, offered Phil 500$ to get her out. BUT not so w/Lorraine or Orlando. I need to start noe tes for HP Court.
But, all’s gone quiet tonight, I must say. I wonder what’s to come at my lights-out…

22.Oct:
7.51 Dozed after the 2 morning alarms. Woke to 18*. I ran the ceiling fan last night, slept in sweats. – The shirts are still quite damp. And today is forecast: clear, breezy, chilly. – I really should be getting out of here. Moe by 11. And I don’t cherish time in here anyway. This morn to PO. Why? Kakha, lo kloom.
19.40 Dinner and dishes done. 19*. I walked in at 18.30 to 17*. No heat. Another bit for the court. Tepid, not hot, water. Another. What a party to come. – The day…
PO first. One piece of mail. (19.44 Orlando has made his banging entrance.) The mail? My “pension” from PIC: 83$(and some cents). I HAD to laugh. WTF? It was much warmer at Tilden though.
The 22 to 21 and I (19.47 STEREO BLASTS in Nr7. No doubt about it: Denise is in this.) arrived at 11.00. Breakfast for Moe, coffee for me. Then shower. Moe had given his e-mail to some site. I set him up w/a “junk” e-mail acct. and we cleared his “profile” w/junk data. It all took until 16.00! Good for me. Not enough. Not what I NEED. But MUCH better than PIC’s 70$.
I left at about 16.30.
11 to JamAv. I wanted v. 53 to here.
Re-heated the chicken. Not hot enough but edible. Oat O’s for dessert. Did dishes right away.
Now, in sweats, hot-plate on for heat. (Just went up to 20* and there’s banging in the hall now.)
I’m in the mood: Come to the door! I’m not going to be quiet tonight. Won’t make noise. Won’t try not to make noise. Cold. Noise. I’m in the mood for COURT. AND… I wouldn’t use the hot-plate for heat BUT… I just don’t care. Just don’t.
Tired. Let’s see… Tomorrow is full moon. Should be interesting. – If I can figure how to sneak it in, plug it in, I’m getting a heater!
OK. End of day.

23.39.FTS WORDPRESS! – Yhe hammering from 20h ISN’T fm Orlando! He even turned down his TV! I went to the hall. Now I wonder. And Pedro Nr8 moved to the back. Hmmmmm.

23.Oct:
8.22 The alarm sounded at 7. I, however, did not. Why I’m awake now is a wonder. 3 drinks last night just to get to sleep. And not too bad off for it this mornung… yet. Still can’t get over that hammering last night. Good thing I didn’t call 311. Imagine that Orlando even had the TV volume down. My terrible mistake. (Although he is awake now, and the sink is gurgling away.) – Can’t decide if I want to stay in… in bed… for the day or head out the door to some-where. 511? 413? It’s the wk-end again and should be clear and cool. Folks meandering about. Distractions that interfere. Well, there’s really no rush. As S. said: it forces one to take a day easy. I don’t doubt that some idiot would come to my door on Saturday (or even Sunday, for that matter) with the house-biz, as it were. But right now I don’t care.
I could:
work the afghan today,
sort through papers,
get things together for storage,
get things together for moving,
go do art,
stay do art,
go back to sleep,
what-ever.
Monday… Library run. More 8539266. That covers the day. Hopefully I’ll get a case. Although, one day w/M&E is one week of PIC. And I do have that agency list fm. Ev. So I can go to them. See? Things to do already. But not now. Today… Shabbat.
14.08 Just had yoghurt. Just woke. By 11.30 I’d gone back under the covers. For a while, I’d surfed a bit. Got an e-mail fm some guy in response to something I’d put out on Bootjaq: what size boot for your bone! This reply was brief but snswered the question. So I sent back my hx w/the subject. His name is Jim… hopefully not “that” one. But if there’s any potential in the least, y’know he’s in Cal or Australia. Alas. – Lorraine is stirring now. WTF can she find on that wall that occupies her all day snd into the night? Well, money’s in for moving and storage now. This place is out. – 6 cigs left. I should go potty but L’s in there doing what she does… Toilet Queen. If need be, I’ll just “bag it” again. Why not? Eh?
18.40 IN BED ALL DAY. Surfing and snoozing. Lorraine’s been thumping. Now she stops and Orlando picks up. But the sun is gone so I get to contribute.
21.34 Just in fm DR. I actually had to force myself to go. Lay about all day and still no energy at the end of the day. I do know why… depressed, this place, PIC, things, stuff, generally. When I get out of here it’ll be better. When I get some things into storage it’ll be better. – Used the loo before leaving. There’s a bulb in the east loo again. Earlier, I heard Lorraine complaining about it to Phil. She complained about Tito too (funny! and Tito too). And, of course about me (I surmise… my smoking; it went into “her” hall… bitch!). Ah well. Maybe I’ll give her a chance to come to court… subpoena. Let the crip make the trip (funny again). – It’s 24* in here now! 17 out. WTF? All day I was chillef im here. Oh well. – A couple msgs fm S. this eve. – And that covers this day. I’d been thinking v but after last night, I shouldn’t… well… maybe just one. – Tomorrow I’ll go to the banque and then? Indeed, and then… It’s all about NOT being here… again.
23.59 This phone is shit! The sink stopper popped and the drench is miserable! But I had one v-juice (fm DR…NEVER AGAIN!) and Nick got a 413… HF! and very quickly. So we’re both doing better and I’m having yoghurt. And aside from the Blackwater crowd, things are entirely too quiet here. I don’t trust the Bedlam trash. – My nose is bugging me. Itch, sneeze, run. – AND IT’S 25* IN HERE w/a candle and the ceiling fan on low. Really. Y’just can’t figger somtimes. – I need to get to sleep here. No shower today. Oh well..

24.Oct:
7.53 Over-slept. For what? Another day, is all. Had a little dream about having a parakeet. Woke smiling, happy, thinking: I’ll go up-stairs to Mum and the bird. Then really woke to the reality of here and crashed. The dream was because of the birds out-side my window. – Rolled to me left side last night. Was mouth-breathing. My throat dried and I woke choking. Made for restless sleep after that. – When I saw that I’d slept through the alarm this morning I thought: I can’t do that tomorrow. But I have no case tomorrow. Another crash. – Tomorrow, we’ll go for a better job. It’s time. Post for new housing, get a steady job. Hell! If I could get the job I have being in a shelter, I can manage a new one now. Besides, it really is time to change… the job and addresse are too documented. – Very little energy this morning. I often wonder how he does it: AIDS and working 7 days/wk, the intestinal troubles, all of it. I sometimes wonder if my troubles are all from depression. I sometimes just wonder… it’s a waste of time… wondering.. – Time to finish coffee and get out of here. – Almost 24* in here. Hmmm…
19.19. WOAH! The sun-set! HELL! FIRE! DEEP REDS! BRILLIANT REDS! REFLECTED ACROSS JAMAICA BAY! MY INSIDES WRENCHED WANTING TO YELL-OUT! This can be a remarkably amazing world… even for good.
After a COLD SHOWER… I followed nothing when leaving this morning. One word: KADIMA. Just moved along. 35 to the Junction where I pulled 60 fm MCU (for TD) and learned my svgs. is ZERO! They TOOK 30$. (Why comment? It’s of no use.) – On the Nr2, Nevins, Woodlawn train. UnionSq. Deposit. Walked to 6th, F to 40th. MMLib. Another day on-line for 8539266. Last original page for the Journal. Then straight typing from the added pgs. It’s almost done. Perhaps, when it’s complete, the links through, all caught-up, I shall celebrate with Atropa martinis on the beach. Ah… Atropa. – Schmulik didn’t go into work. I’d timed the day round his having said he’d be at work. (Again; why comment?) – Chatted w/the security guard at the library for a bit. Always goodlfun. – Coming out of Jack’s, a woman passes… familiar. I stop. She stops. I tell her I know her. “Town & Village” she says. CAROLE! We talk. She keeps saying “Come back!” Svces. begin at 9.30 now. I’ll plan on it this Shabbat. I could use the warmth and comfort of “my people”. – Flushing train to 53. Rang Ev to say I’ll be sure to drive them to The Island for Moe’slappointment. She asks if I’d come tomorrow. Of course! (I HATE being paid for it. But: she insists it’s for my time, and, let’s face it, PIC this week will come to about 40. Shit, really. I NEED money to get out of here.) I told her I’ll call for work in the morning, if nothing, I’ll be there round 11.30. (I might hit the PO early. Not sure.) – So, coming across the No.Channel Br… DAMN! THAT SUN-SET! – Coming into Rockaway I thought: all will work out. I’ve gotla great, winning case. And IF Helene and Matt follow through with their litigations, our cases support each-other. – AS I approached the house, Lorraine was leaving. Gimpy arse. – In. All as I’d left it. Scrambled the last 2 eggs w/seasoning,..

25.Oct:
5.50 And the sweats are in soaking. 12* at JFK. 24* in Bedlam. I woke, fstigued, before the alarms. Fell right to sleep last night. – Dunes Sojourner… added a brief piece last night. It too, has to be linked together. G67 as well. There’s much to be done with these Journals. And for what purpose? My existence is well-documented but nothing like the Journals that have been destroyed. The time, the penmanship, the art-work. So much is gone. – And I think of the comment of M&E: considering, as they did, from their perspective, the child-hood, they wonder about my Love and Admiration for my Mum; and thet marvel that I did not become generally hateful. Well, Mum suffered terribly as well, at the hands of “family” and the World. She attended her Mum even to death, as did I. I wonder now, if she too, didn’t conceal some bitterness. Mine certainly is very much alive… and concealed. The World should only know. But, as I exist, my Mum’s legend is told, it’s the Oral Journal of her Love, Kindness, Compassion, Strength. Others know and in passing this along, it cannot be refuted, and those muscreants who destroyed my past cannot destroy my Mum’s legacy. – That said, what a joy (to be so sarcastic very first thing in the day) to wake… as always, so bitter. – No-one cares about me; I should care about no-one except me. In little ways, that IS as it is. (6.07 thungs crash against my wall. Nr7 has awakened. See? No care, consideration or respect. Not even for basuc dignity… Another day.) – Crate/Barrel: you need to be more aggressive.
6.10 Last night, before sleep, did some reading on Atropa. What a delightful way to end the day. Charming before-sleep-time reading. – This morning I wake, with chaotic thoughts of how to get out of here and stay away for the longest period of time… to avoid confrontation with those whose words and actions I don’t trust. I think in terms of what destruction/devastation I’ll return to. I don’t trust the World to “protect”, only to destroy. – It’s a new day, “Full of great potential”; I anticipate battle… always. “You think too much” said the Indian fellow. I “prepare” to much, for battles. Some become manifest. Others do not. But I remain at the plotting board, ever ready for the onslaught. THIS is what they refer to as “Life”? I think not. I wonder over the accounts set in what humanity has called its “Bible”. Good days and yet, so many accounts of battle. Wandering. Villages of welcome, villages of conflict. ‘And ye shall destroy them all, even to their sons and daughters. Take none for yourself.” said their “God”. And so, here, now, today as always; good moments dispersed amongst the battles. So why bother? Why continue? To purge, to a point of satisfaction, the bitterness that causes me to be ill, fatigued, always. I AM deserving of Justice. I am guilty of nothing. I AM deserving of Peace. I strive toward a harmony, balance. Aren’t THEY as it should be? – I should be able to look at this day in anticipation; I look at this day in anxiety. RUN! MOVE! KADIMA! – PO. PIC. Moe? One thing is certain: ALL is UNcertain.
7.49 Justa note before the bolt: Sweats are hanging to dry. Temp in here is up to 25. Quite a chance of rain (through Thursday… thank you Shrek). My stools are black-green x3 days. Wassupwidat? And… I’m SO TIRED! – Sometumes I believe my body is closing shoppe on its own. How nice ‘twould be. – I want to nap. 15mins. But I just don’t dare! Need to get OUT.
20.31 Check me out: Dinner & dessert done, dishes done, work blues hanging to dry AND I’m showered! It should be this EVERY work-night! – As I left, git rid of gsrbage/recycs. Bumped into Phil. He’s having a lot of trouble with his foot. I talked w/him on it, but I always wait to hear something r/t Missy D. Nothing again. OK. – I got to the PO this morning, for a pay-stub with-out the missing hours. – No Penelope at T6. I go to Tilden as a resident with a purpose now. – Didn’t have to be at Moe’s until 11.30 so I lingered… and changed my entire week… – Standing in a dew-covered Parade Ground: Rang 1199, left msg. – Rang PIC… Samantha’s GONE! I don’t know the particulars. Nona is covering. AND I got a case… on “Old B88”. M.W.F., 13-17.00. I HAD to take it. – Rang Ev. Then went to wait for the 22. – Decided to look for “Old B88” and the addresse. (As the bus passed Bedlam, I looked, as always, for my things on the curb. What a miserable way to be EVERY day!) I know B88 but not “Old”. So I didn’t find the house. So walked the boards back. What a lovely ocean today. High tide and choppy. Perfect for swimming. And folks ou sunning. But I had to get back to change for work (and a quick bkfast and a nap I didn’t want to end). – At about 12.30 I headed out for the bus. Rang Mrs. Pt. to ask location. She said she’d be at her gate… so she was. – The place is very cute but the friendly old dog reeks! That dog odour, could be treated w/olive oil in the diet. But the house is clean. – NOW… THE PT. IS 55y/o, DOB:*1955.30.08!!!!! 10.00… 4,5hours AFTER ME ON THE VERY SAME DAY!!!!! IS THIS WHY I CAME TO ROCKAWAY? OR WHY I’VE MANAGED TO LINGER? ONLY HOURS YOUNGER THAN I AND IN NEED OF HOME-CARE! JEEZIS! JEEZIS! JEEZUS! Seizures. Whoah! The Mom is a widow who worked home-care and fir 1199! 2 sons and a grand-son(Gay I do believe) in the house. One son, a SandHog working the new Ashokan Aqueduct! Good people. OLD Rockaway (50 years). I learned a lot about this place… and they all know this house (BAD REPUTATION!)…
(21.04) They all said I could go after 2 hrs and they’d cover. It was tempting but… 1st is my soc.sec.nr., 2nd it’s too risky (esp. w/my Union/hrs sit.) and where would I go, what would I do? I’d have to be near anyway. So? Yes, the dog odour bothers me, but it’s an easy (but slow) 4hrs. – (21.08 Not a sound from Lorraine all evening UNTIL NOW! Stupid bitch!) – And so, when I left, the Mom asked if I was coming back on Wed. Last wk a guy showed Mon. and disappeared. I said I’d be back. – Tonight I checked Moe’s appointments in Nov. I CAN COVER THEM. YAY! – Walked the boards back. Stopped at KeyFood. Coffee, half’n’half, meat. FOOD! (FS). – Wind in off the beach. WET AIR! But nice to be here. – In the room, got to cooking and eating and washing. And here I is… all clean. – The dew on Tilden brought back those memories of waking under the tree, chilled at night, damp with dew. The memories are still so vivid. They’ll probably never go away. When I didn’t see P’s car it seemed very large and empty this morning. And the thought of being there with a purpose, a legitimate purpose. – Meeting this family today, Old Rockaway, does my heart good. I’ve a chance to get “in”. And the sons are Rockaway drinkers who KNOW RockPark! Yes, I put in my plug about the changes at 112-22. – This eve, spoke nice-nice w/Phil. Told him about Atropine for his pain. I’ll be nice w/him. No reason not to be… yet. And it pays… for now. – Tomorrow, Moe. Tonight, some sleep. Tomorrow morning, PO. – Oh, C.N.1199 rang this eve. She has to go to Connley r/t my hrs. She works quite late. I was so “sincerely” appreciative. SCHMOOZ!
PS: 21.38 25,5* in here.

26.Oct:
0.22/27.10 (26.10) I walked out the door at about 8.30. I walked back in the door at 24.00. It’s going to be a tough morning. I don’t want to be in here at 9.00. I don’t want to be in here at 8.00. No work until 13.00. A tough morning.coming. – Went to the PO this morning. Nothing. Decided to visit Penelope for a bit. Thst lasted until 11.00. JR came by. Wow. He truly has a bad case of “machismo” and P. feeds right into it. But that’s how she is… the Old World. Anyway, JR is quite “p’tit” I noticed. But, he’s very likeable. – Left at 11, arr’d M&E at noon exactly. Moe was JUST finishing breakfast and I was exhausted (nothing new on either point). But as soon as he finished, it was shower time! Jump-jump time. I was un-nerved but held tight. After that was Inet search for something he could have done w/out me. It too the longest, I ran out of patiencd and took iver. It finally came down to simple telephone calls ultimately leading to nothing. But at one pt. Ev noted I was im poor form. I told her I’m having a very bad week. She made me a coffee to help. It actually did. They both DO care… to a point. – So, Ev wanted to do shopping so we agreed: I’d take the car and Moe to HomeDepot then fetch Ev at the market. I got roach spray, air spray, dryer sheets. Paid Moe’s light bulbs. “Nico”(HD empl) recognised me. Big hello. He read my complimentary lettre r/t the ceiling fan. So the folks actually saw it. I’m glad. – On to Ev where it ran my nerves because she’s slow shopping and I really didn’t want to be there past 17.00. It got to 18.30 when we left the market. Then a big t’do r/t parking at their place. No spaces in the court! Moe said I could go back down later to check and I said when I go down next it’ll be to go home. Ev caught my sharpness. I’d been invited to dinner. I accepted. Silly me. That always runs quite late. But I put up the groceries and got some time on the PC. Another day on 8539266 and sent Jim 2 pix fm Inet of boots. Productive. – Dinner was a delight but ran late. The 23.19 53 back…… It was a super morning: clear, warm, perfect beach day. (Screwed again. But 50$ extra coming.) It turned comfy-cool and HEAVY FOG tonight! I wish things were better here and I didn’t have to work tomorrow. Great night for beach-walk. – A reply to the pix from Jim already. I wonder what this lineman looks like. But I prefer to leave the phantasy alone. – So now, a quick Inet check and a nap.
(PostTime: 5.53) 5.43 Almost 26* in here! 17 at JFK. Makes no sense. No sense at all. -The wash us almost dry. – Fell right off to sleep last night. – Hey! I FOUND A FELLOW BOOTDKR! He found an old post of mine on Skunky’s site (leave it to Skunky) and sent an e-mail on the 6th. I found his e-mail in the 22nd. Sent a reoly. Got a reply. Sent ladt night. As the “Dudes” say: KEWL! BUT… Fate kicks in again. N.Calif! DAMN! Still, Jim’s a dup of me! Imagine? Imagine. I’m kinda psyched. – OK. Today we have direction. PO. Moe. A day. Let it roll along in Peace. – Shalom… Kadima.

27.Oct:
9.23 OH…sht. Woke with the 2 set alarms round 5.00. Set one for 7.00. Woke at 9.11. That hour seems to run in my life of late. About 7hrs of poor, broken sleep. Now, too late to bolt to the streets, too early to bolt out the door. So, if there’s to be crap on the menu, it will be so. Dissociation time. (Phil is in the hall. That used to be OK. Now he’s just another lackey here, capable of anything. How time changes things.) – Dreary day out there. I’ll check to see if our library is open. Perhaps I can get a half-day posted on 8539266. If not… the lamb waits for the slaughter. (Said the Indian stranger: You think too much.)

28.Oct.
7.21 After last night’s one v-pom and some playing with Nick, I slept through 2 alarms. I do wish I could sleep some more. – PO and libraries on the agenda today. A shoe-horn for the new pt. (if they’re not terribly expensive). MetroCard. Cigs. Money I don’t have again. And here comes dinner… off to the loo.
7.36 That was quick. – The hall reeks of old sweat! Nr.7 in particular. A ROACH on my door! That new spray isn’t working? – The odour fm the hall came in when I opened the door. So much for my efforts against it. – Last night’s laundry is still damp. – Anxietie$ $strike. – Oh… just another morn.
21.05 (TV Nr7 grumbling away throughlthe wall.) At 19.50 I was scanning groceries at Waldbaums. At 20.22 I had 8 chicken thighs seasoned and in thr fridge; 2 were cooking. By 20.58 the dishes were done. DAYUM!
By about 9.00 this morning I was en route to the PO (nothing). Bumped into Helene’s Matt on B116. Says he, she wants to give me “something” on the law suit. I told him it’s over. She has a receipt saying it’s paid. I doubt she wants to pay. But I WILL subpeona her to court when this housing thing gets there! – So, after the PO, I strolled out to the beach. At that point, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE I’D GO OR WHAT I’D DO WITH THIS ENTIRE DAY! It was quite the familiar situation… Beacon, Newburgh, Roosa Gap, Kingsbridge, Riverdale. The Shelter. Can’t be in, resting, relaxing, SLEEPING. But it would have been the perfect day to lay on the beach. Warm. Sunny. Just perfect. But I was dressed to go, not linger. So I strolled. Took some shots of my old dune. Investigated Battery Kessler (Somebody CLEANED it out and CLOSED the west doors!). Didn’t get IN because I had no light, but walked through. Then strolled out via the Ranger Rd. past T6/7 to the gate for the 35 bus to Bklyn. (Why? It seemed the thing to do.) As I got to the stop, the bus arrived and Tommy and G. got off! T’s got full beard, long hair, shabby. Asked what I was going to be for Halloween, shook my hand. The bus waited for me. I left… Dozed to The Jct. then on the Nr5 train. Why? Halpern’s mostly. Other-wise, no particular reason. – BklnBr, change to the Parkchester locallto 23rd St. Halpern’s. Got Grottano a shoe-horn (9,95$ I know I won’t be reimbursed for but… I don’t much care). Checked on Moe’s ab.binder. The nice woman told me it could be made for less money. I like that place. – On to the M15/1stAv. bus to 42nd. I figured I’d blow some time at the MMLib.
*As the bus pulled past The Shelter… KALIB was standing out-side by the entrance. He actually brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to get off the bus, go back, shake his hand… give him a real hug. Something. I still have an attachment to the great ones of The Shelter. I’ll never forget them. Never get over them. Never be “better” than them. I miss them. Don’t want to go back there… I’d never get that great group again. But I DO wish I could make life better for them. It hurt. It really hurt. But then I thought: What would I accomplish by going back? What to say? I’m out of there and he’s not. The doubts kept me on the bus. I regret it now.* – At the library, an immediate (13.50) PC. BUT… keys stuck, mouse was for shit, progs had to “load”, resolution was offkilt… just shit! I didn’t get through an entire day on 8539266! THEN… 15cents TO PRINT! No more free pages! Ao I left, pretty much pissed (and hungry). – Rang Ev and agreed to fetch the rolls and help Moe shower. So off to the train (F to Continental). Got the new MetroCard in The City. Checking it in the reader… “SEE AGENT”… THERE IS NO AGENT! (I re-checked in Queens. It’s OK… I hope.) – Got cigs in Queens at thelbus stop. One BIG thing less for the week-end. – At M&E, got the rolls, helped Moe, Ev paid me x7hrs. I told her 5. Well, that’s how they are, those 2. – At about 18.30 I was out and coming back to The Rock. I’d filled the day… away. – Now, 21.46, Denise’sldog yips, somebody thumps, a TV mumbles, KHRNY has gone “college radio” style (annoying), this place aggrevates me, Lorraine is fking round in 5, Orlando is doing TV. And I don’t want to go back to The Shelter… WHY?
22.46 G67.wp visited this evening. DS.wp visited of late. 2007. Turmoil. Not so different from 2010. And again I wonder why I continue. – The mayhem in Bedlam has about ended. A few thumps from the crack-head(5). Static/music on the radio.

29.Oct:
9.24 Went back to sleep after the morning alarms, woke just after 7.00. Chilly in here this morning. That drop of warm weather gave way to the season, the month. Spent the time having coffee, web-surfing, thinking, pondering, in and out of contemplation: moving, how to move, where to move to, how to get the money to move. Wondering: will there be a knock on the door, a lettre on the door, certified in the mail, how to respond/react. Great anxieties upon waking. In the reality, I know I’ve got a great case to present and venues to follow. With-in the law, I know it’ll be fine. It’s the inconvenience of having to deal with the possibility of being confronted with the stupidity that MIGHT come about. “You think too much.” said the clairvoyant Indian. – Msgs. this morn: Jim(L), Schmulik. Wish I could meet the former. Will meet the latter tomorrow, after schul (WILL go to schul tomorrow! YAY!) – This wk-end is interesting in that it’s covered: Sat.schul, Sun.Tilden w/”the folks”. No “me” time. Probably for the best. – Trying to figure timing for today. PO and work. This 13.00 work-time is strange. I want a 9-12, M.W.F. Just to have a reason to get out of here in the morning. Every time I hear the stair-door open, I wonder… I’ll work my-self into major ulcers in no time at this rate. Just because I’m dealing with thugs. – Having been back to the prose-blogs, I should focus on the fact that I have what I need to drop out of all this when/if it should become necessary… end all the sufferings.
19.16 NOAA says 11* at JFK. After cooking and washing dishes, burners still on, it’s a chilled 20 in here. Time to invest in a heater (and to figure where to plug it in). – A bit of a late start but got to PO by 11.33 (nothing). Dropped by T6, coffee w/P. Off to work. AG out in wheel-chair for an hour to the boards. Unlike yesterday, itlwas cool and quite breezy. Then 3 hrs. of TV. Mrs. paid for the shoe-horn. I really didn’t want her to. (But I do need the money.) – Moe got to his Dr. appt. All’s good. And they changed one appointment in Nov. so I can bring them. Let there be no “court”. – Meanwhile, I’m chilled, looking forward to tomorrow at schul. Although it will mean leaving my back-pack behind and I’m uncomfortable with that. I’ll figure something over-night. – 19.25 and the “natives” stir inlthe hall. Today I thought how the suit against Helene will play in HP Court, my losses, winning the case, recovered losses… due to Denise. It’s becoming involved even before it becomes. – Can’t decide if I want to stay awake or turn in. It’s cold and the plug for the hot-plate is warm. Not good. But turning it off will drop the temp in here. Yes, this wk-end… HEATER! I will NOT be COLD! I did enough of that from the moment I moved from 3150…
21.31 CLINK! The bottles in Nr7 hit the wall. At 21.02 the music started. That stopped. Tickticktick on his door. Yammeryammeryammer ever since. My BP is 118/90! Instaed of 90/60. Now I’ve got medical to throw into the HP case w/lost income and SC. OK! – Tonight I got back to the afghan. Covered me w/what’s done, added 2 more rows. I’ll use it (unfinished) over-night. I should shower but don’t want to be bothered. – kolhaShalom off air. QXR tonight, just to drown-out arse-hole Nr7. In a bit, cracko Nr5 will commence. And I don’t have enough to leave here! – A small v-tonic to help w/sleep. Tomorrow is T&V! Then (maybe) Schmulik. A day AWAY WITH GOOD PEOPLE! – I got the temp up to 22 w/water boiling. Window closed. – Check e-mails. Finish my little drink. Bed, and the HOPE for SLEEP. – And how is this environment different from The Shelter? (It’s WORSE!)

30.Oct:
5.39 and 7* at JFK. 21 in here. After a miserable night of furniture moving somewhere and Orlando, I went to the radio and right to ARIK! – The afghan was a blessing! VERY wonderful, indeed. (Now let’s hope nothing happens to THIS one.) – There will be some serious napping on the train into The City THIS morning. And it’s almost time to shower. Alas. But as tired as I am, I’m looking forward to a good reunion with wonderful people.
6.05 Laila Tov Europa? and running on the 3rd floor, sink gurggling, stair-door opening. The action never stops in The Blvd Crack-house. The MTA site for train info is useless. No e-mails this morning. Time to straightn up, get clothes out, get going here.
21.51 Quite the day! Up at 5.30 after a night of Hell bet. Nr.5&7. Out the door by 7.30. Q53 at 7.53. Immed. connect to A and the L. Got off at 3rdAv and STILL made schul by 9.00! Cynthia came by to welcome me. Carole called a “Shabbat shalom”. Rabbi Sebert came with a great smile and hearty welcome. “Home”. It truly is. Just wonderful. – After, walked to Schmulik’s office and was there from 13-19.00! I met Martin (the boss), we talked (S. & I), took a stroll, he got chocolates at L.A.Burdick: 2 sm.boxes, 1med/1lg hot choc: 61$! Amazing! To think if such prices! And, although it was good, I will never understand such prices. But… – It was truly nice to spend the time together. He’s really thinking of returning to haAretz. If he does… I will too. Period. – Well, I rang Moe to tell that the RAA “extravaganza” is 18-21.00 tomorrow. Instead ofltakinglthe opportunitylto get out of the house at some other hour, they cancelled the whole day! Silly, but I think I’m grateful…
Scratchy throat, stuffy sort of nose, that “wierd” feeling over-all. Dinner tonight was Farina. The thought of “food” was nauseating. THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE WHAT THE G’s (new pt.) HAVE! I CAN’T AFFORD TO BE SICK… AND NOT WITH FLU!
So, Madame Arsehole has taken a break from thumping. Senior Spicshit hasn’t begun yet. I’m boiling water, the flavour packet from the chicken Ramen noodles. No drinking tonight. Just some hot beverage, aspirin and hopefully, a night’s sleep (tickle in throat and nose getting worse… DAMNIT!)

31.Oct:
(PostTime: 8.56)8.49 2gm vit.C, 2asa, 1dose cough syrup, slept. Woke moments ago, coughing. Something’s coming or here. Fstihued.(Fatigued! This shit phone.) But must get to lib: Nov.pg. here, pay phone, post comments to Bedlam. Maybe Bkln Cntrl. – Cold out. Cold in. But no rush. And I won’t stress this day. I just hope it’s not flu. Please, no flu.
(PostTIme: 8.57)8.49 2gm vit.C, 2asa, 1dose cough syrup, slept. Woke moments ago, coughing. Something’s coming or here. Fstihued.(Fatigued! This shit phone.) But must get to lib: Nov.pg. here, pay phone, post comments to Bedlam. Maybe Bkln Cntrl. – Cold out. Cold in. But no rush. And I won’t stress this day. I just hope it’s not flu. Please, no flu.
19.00 I HOPE this cough and nose-draining is allergies or fatigue. The flatulence? Poor diet and stress. OK. – Dinner, dishes and a small wash… done. The day? Done. It consisted of waking, coffee, napping.
HALF-DREAM: I was on my way home, from work. Always took a short-cut under a road (the Allerton Br., Bronx River, French Charlie’s. It was a bunker (Fergusson/Spyder). The doors were slightly open on both ends, it had grey sand in it. One side was open enough to get it. The other, a slight clumb to get out (like F/S). I got in. One other person going through. But when I got to the exit end, it had been closed-off with sand, from the out-side. I started digging with my hand. The sand was dry. A little fell. But when I turned round, the other guy had gone! I worried they’d bury the other end so I started back the way I’d come in. It annoyed me that I’d have tolgo across the road. As I got to opening where I’d walked in, it was smaller. I’d have to crawl out. The alarm woke me.
Small coffee. 3 pan-toasted rolls. Shower. Dress. Q35 to The Jct. At B147, the bus got pummelted with eggs! Neponsit! – Nr.2 to Atlantic (track “work” and back to GrandArmyPlz by 14h. A 20min wait. PC. Paid phone, Nov.pg.D/A (it makes me sick to add pages to that), &c. (19.18 in the crapper. HAD to go! Finally!) – Schmulik said, in msg., we’d meet, go for a walk in Prospect Park. I waited 30mins. Got the 41bus back to TheJct, 35 to TheRock. – Waldbaums: V8, Fage, tinned fruits, ginger (for tea). – At lib, rang Ev. They need extra time on Tues. YAY ME! – Anyway, I got in and set to cooking chicken. After, Fage/mandarin oranges. I need to clean me out here. Feeling none-to-good. – And Nr.7 started banging so I cranked up the radio. Nr.5 just started so I’m in “her” loo, dumping and entering this. No rush for me. Before bed, a shower IF THERE’S HOT WATER DAMNIT! – Let Halloween pass with-out incident. And tomorrow? Perhaps court papers will arrive. Full month coming. Why not PACK it? Eh?
19.41 I’ve had BOTH coils on (water for ginger, the other for “fragrance”) for OVER an HOUR to bring this place up to 20*! Now I NEED a small HEATER! (But the phone brought me down below 3c. I don’t like that.) – Tummy’s grumbling. Nick wants to play. Oh what a night.
22.29.with that piece of shit banging her shit against my wall… The last entry of another bloody month. Woah. Too much. And here I am, afraid to turn off the hot-plate because the temperature just reached 22. That, and the tickle in the throat/dripping sinuses. But food stayed down nicely. I didn’t shower and won’t. Nick got his play-time. Not bad. Not great. And the radio’s gone staticish. Not off-air, but something’s interfering. I’ll have a dose of that 99cent Nyquil and may get more tomorrow. – JJ(Y) got 53 today. JD got 45 this year and CA will hit 50 in about 2 months. They’re getting into the age when they did the most damage to somebody else. May they continue to grow old LONG after I’ve stopped. – Mama went 66 days into 55. That would bring me to 4Nov. 4/11 or 11/4. That adds to 6. But now I look to 21.12… Winter. “This will be your lucky year. Your luck will change. Something very good will come to you this year. December.” O Death. May it be so. – Last entry for October. O that it could be the last entry… but I have to finish and link all journals… THEN I can rest. – For now? Nyquil stuff and hope for SLEEP in this shit-box assylum.