1.Feb:
0.18 Fuck. February. ANOTHER MONTH! – Monday went: I was tired this morning but Penelope rang at 8.15 so I tossed me together & headed to Tilden. I finished the note-card sketch for M&E but didn’t jot the note. Hung from about 9.30-14.30. Then hopped the 22 to the 53 to M&E. Something happened. I was suddenly in a terrible mood! WOW! I snapped a bit, Ev snapped a bit. They couldn’t figure the day. I was annoyed. – When we got to barber, I let them off at the corner, backed right into parking! Yay. But Ev wanted to go to the library for tax forms & insisted she’d walk. Moe wanted me to go get her w/the car! I simply said “No”. Lose parking? drive round for an hour? Not today. So sat, Twittered until Ev returned. – Off to Trader Joe’s. NOT ONE attractive guy tonight! Shit! & me in the mood to “hook-up”. Just figgers. – But the “mood” changed & it got better. – Back at the flat, I paid the phone, changed my Twitavatar to pic fm Bootjac. OK. Fine. – DINNER WAS DELICIOUS AND TREMENDOUS! Ev’s borscht is FANTASTIC! But it was late. – The MTA info site is useless. I left at about 21.45 .got 53 back. Dull, dull, DULL! – Penelope rang. Won’t be at Tilden tomorrow (today). Ice storm in forecast. I’m looking at a very bad day in Bedlam. – In by 23.30. No vodka. No juice. Sad. – Bad attitude returns. Half Xanax. Time to sleep this off… – Plastic on window. I NEED to get the fuk out of here!!!
9.43 I heard the alarm. Turned it off. Dozed. Only dozed… for TWO HOURS! But the Xanax worked very nicely. I slept peacefully. There’s something quite wrong when a “good” sleep MUST be “induced”. THIS is NOT “living”. Woke a touch euphoric. So nice. And then IT hit… ANOTHER BLOODY MONTH! And the euphoria crashed, leaving a mushroom cloud hovering… no… envelopping. Not enough diversion to fill this day. I’ll have to work at it. And w/pending ice-storm, venturing too far off the peninsula could mean no way to get back, should MTA cut us off. – I can no longer put into words, the extent of my hatred for all of this. It’s become over-whelming. A seemingly DEAD end… or an extremely dismal drive down an excrutiatingly dark tunnel that narrows to where I’ll be suffocated, slowly & painfully, lingering in misery, unable to take sufficient breath… Another month… another month… another month…

2.Feb:
4.35 TIO much! TOO much to drink last nught. Started at 18.00. Passed out at who knows. Headache. Sick. Not well. Painful.
20.42 Well we won’t do THAT again: 3 “regular strength” drinks on a “have to eat” dinner. Yes, passed right out at an un-known hour after some guy in Ohio sent a link to a photo of self in snow… Memories of Nick Gregory came SLAMMING into my head & heart. I guess I’ll never get over him. I can still see him, in that December’73/4 ice-rain, Washington Park, in the head-lights. I can still see the bed-room in N.Lake, street-light through the blinds. Still hear Love’s Theme in the dark. And remember the Wella Balsam incident. All still very fresh… in mind & soul. And it all actually made me CRY last night! CRY! I didn’t think I could any more. Some anonymous guy in Ohio did it… & too much vodka. – I dropped-off w/basin at bed-side. Thought I puke my toe-nails up. Didn’t though. – Woke at about 4.00, drank water, water, water. The cig made me feel awful. I shot a quick e-mail to HS/Ohio w/some bits of the NG story & then back to bed. – DID NOT want to go to Grott today! The “icks” kept me in until the last moment. – RAN to catch the bus… – VNS.RN came to eval A. It was an OK day, save the dog stench. – Coming back to this house just makes me miserably sick. Not having the miney to get out makes it worse. – Dinner was cream.potato soup, V8, rice pudding, puffed rice. I’ll have peaches before sleep… Sleep. The 2 bangers have been active most of the evening. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! – M&E tomorrow. They owe me money. I din’t mund getting it… 40$ holiday gift. Yes, thank you too.

3.Feb:
21.14 It was, over-all, a nice day. I passed the waiting time in the car, in 3rd at 73rd, Twitting. – Lunch at Shalimar. Tuna melt. The only food all day. – Told M&E about conditions at Bedlam… M. said “I can imagine what you’re goung through.” I said “No you can’t. I’m prepared to go back to The Shelter.” – But I got thumpernyc for gmail! I’m a bit happy about that. zainmagaf will go. – Here, now? 2nd drink. Will probably go down the drain though. Can’t sleep too deeply tonight. Face-to-face tomorrow. And w/cheque fm M&E, Jan. rent is back. OK then. – Meanwhile, my life is in Twitter… in Ohio. THIS is more to get me out of here. I’m tired of this shit. Truly. Esp. the nausea when I come back here. – But y’know? Maybe the blog will get them to pay me to leave. Huh? – I’m getting tired. S bit more Twits & enough.

4.Feb:
9.34 Shuttle-waiting. Those tweets? 2.30 this a.m.! Steven. OH. It started as my old “phone-line rhetoric”. It worked into full-out tears… It’s now something I’ve wanted, dreaded, dodged & avoided. HE managed to bring me into it. And, of course… espoused in addition to distance. I’m… well… I just am. – Exhausted too. Off to the FS meeting. Don the armour & the attitude. – I’ve got head-ache.

5.Feb:
9.31 Yesterday: Rmdi PIC was entirely too sweet, sympathetic when I called to say I couldn’t make work. I expected some resistance. I’m suspicious when things go smoothly. – Some-how, internal navigation worked perfectly. The door to HRA was right at the top of the stairs when I came out of the subway. And timing was perfect. The “applicants” were polite. It was a bit daunting at first. But every-one was courteous. – The interview? Prompt. Very prompt. Courteous as well. But what I wasn’t aware of is that “One-Shots” are LOANS now & are to be re-paid. Hmm. Now I’m glad I got that lettre fm M&E. It appears, from that, that my income is more than sufficient for the One-Shot. But it will, likely, knock my FS out. And why not? I shouldn’t be able to break even. Not my lot in life. – By 11.35 or so, I was out. Grabbed a nr2 to TheJct & out to Tilden. – An after-noon w/Penelope. I should have gone to DSS/B59th but I just couldn’t. And the time-factor for everything actually permitted work. But I just really need time away fm so much lately. – We talked about Steven. She (P.) is rather supportive, even w/the “Internet” aspect of it. – She took a couple of photos of me, w/the mobile phone. I’M SO GAUNT, SO DRAWN! My face is frightening! THIN THIN THIN! Eyes sag. Quite un-attractive. I’m OLD, OLD, OLD. So very OLD. And stress makes it SO much worse. When I looked at the photos, I just deleted them. – Came directly to Bedlam at 16.30. All day I had that “empty nausea” feeling because of no sleep the night before. A cream cheese sandwich right away & V8. In the hope of knocking-off early, I added a bit of vodka to the V8 & went to Twitter… Why? Steven, of course. But I tried a few self-photos. I wanted to send some-thing to him. (I regret it now. It was poor timing. I was exhausted, dehydrated. But “click”. One photo sent.) – The remainder if the evening-into-night was a bit strange as the traffic on Twitter was low. So too, fm Steven. But I’m trying to keep in mind: he was up late the night before, as well. HOW-EVER…
(PostTime: 11.25) … He’d sent an e-mail w/his phone nr.! A name; photo; phone. “HS” has become “SDM”. There’s a “reality” to him now. I recipricated. Name. Phone. Now? I expect it all to go down the tubes. But Time will do what is to be done. Besides, he’s “espoused”… my fate… yet again. – Meanwhile, the Twitterers are “intrigued” by me, as 1 fm TheIsland puts it. My little photo seems to clash w/the sensitive posts bet. Steven & me. And the “hook-ups” are coming along. – I’m EXTREMELY MISERABLE with the way I am these days! The gaunt, drawn, drooping of face. The skeletal aspect of it all. I’d like to get out, meet these guys. But I’m just not strong enough to handle the rejection I anticipate. I truly couldn’t handle it. So it’s “Decision Time”: DO SOMETHING to IMPROVE things OR with-draw COMPLETELY? “SHIT OR WIND YOUR WATCH”? Time… again. Time. – There was a period of the usual banging & such this evening. I posted to the Bedlam.blog some refs to Nazis & antisemitism. Let it be found, read & interpreted as harassment to get me out, to FORCE me out. The thing that disturbs me: the silence of owners. No-show at court & no correspondence. Unusual. There too, Time will bring what it will. BUT I MUST GET WORK RHAT WILL BRING-IN COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY AND I MUST GET OUT OF HERE, AWAY FROM THIS! – The night closed w/a rather “forced” stim swssion. It’s been several days with-out & I could tell. So it HAD to be done. Not “bad” over-all but certainly not great & as I journal, it wasn’t “sufficient”. I’m missing “contact” these days… & that’s compounding the syntonic attitude. Alas… – Shot-off, so to speak, an e-mail to Steven at about 1.00 this morning. Put out the lights… The week-end is here… no different from any other time…

6.Feb:
6.21 DREAM:Some-one in hospital. Lupus/erythematosis/illi..something (I could only see that much of the “illi” written on a diagnostic. I was w/the family to bring the woman home. FAT, UGLY, bald Dr. He was putting lotion in another pt’s face applying much too much. He tried convincing the famly the pt. liked being in hosp. “No Dr. No. She’s coming with us. We’re from much stronger stock (than you).” I kept asking “But what if she has…?” “SHE DOESN’T!” was the answer.- I had to change telephone carriers to one with many conditions. I called Poppa, to discuss the person in hospital &, when he answered, some woman came on the wire, reading all of the “By using this service you agree to the following terms…” speech. I told Poppa to ignore her as we spoke. – I argued with some-one about being tired, we were going some-where. – I woke at 7.30. Was supposed to wake at 5.30. Rang some-one on the phone. A woman. Oma or Mum. “What are you doing up at this hour?” she asked. I said I’d been up for a while already. – I woke.
(The hospital: The pt./Penelope’s Delores. The Dr./Brescia. The dx./Mum & Delores’ CA:bladder (illi). The family/Simicich. – Teleohone: “Throttled” Dcrsd. data svce. because if Twitter. Conditions/The “One-shot” being a loan. – Waking at 7.30/Fear of over-sleeping this morning. Talk w/P. yest. r/t the noise here.)
6.52 Too much is weighing on my mind these days. The dream carried too much, too many items. – I’m passing too much time on Twitter. – I’m too involved with Steven already. I’m putting too much of me into the situation already. – After resolving to soend less money, I went out for cigs & vodka last night. I’m dropping back into actually “needing” the vodka, esp. for sleep! – I’m smoking WAY TOO MUCH! Half a pack in about 4hrs last night! – I need to file my nails, trim my beard! Way past due! – I need to wash bed-linens, under-shirts. – I should clean this room. – I’ve lost inerest in so much. – I’m not really keeping-up w/this Journal. – As of today, ANOTHER month’s rent is riding in my back. – I MUST FIND MORE INCOME… NOW! — Yesterday, passed the day at T6. Learnt RAA wants to change locks. P. is concerned she won’t get a key. Tommy was there. Then Gary, David.Jessica Shlmn. G&D mucked w/sound eqyio. LOUD! And I kept checking e-mail. Steven sent 2. I replied. Sully came by. He gave me schematics for the yet-unfound plotting bunker. The crowd left about 15.00. Penelope brought me to the bus & we sat in the car waiting. It was raining. When I got back, I napped then cooked the left-over burger meat. Dinner. 18.30 out for cigs/vodka. Warm. Foggy! Rushed back to Twitter & drink! Let entirely TOO much if “me” go with/to Steven. – At about 24.05 a major stim. Hvy into poppers. It’s now more a necessary stress release… necessary. And not sufficient.
This morn. I’m awake. So what? Will early to Tilden today. Get out of here! I, the bed, prob. my clothing too, all smell “stale”. Cigs and booze. I’m really slipping. All-out clinical DEPRESSION. And I’m consciously aware of it.

9.20 Just to note: I’d tried for a 30min nap at 8.53. Laying in bed, thinking nothing in particular, my nose began to, what felt like, run. Left nostril. So I got a paper towel to blot… BLOOD! NOSE-BLEED for no reason. Not very much blood. Stopped as suddenly as it began. But… nose-bleeds now. Jolly.

7.Feb:
6.45 I need to get back to the tume-thing here. Again, this morning, I’m recapping “Yesterday”:
Beautifully clear & rather chilled-warm. Got to Tilden at noon because Steven decided to text-away. THEN, find an e-mail fm him. FULL of ALL kinds of honesties. The medicals. I’m not going to get into them here. Let’s just say… IT FIGURES & I’ll never understand how I dodged the ’80s bullet. – P. had been at Tilden from since about 8! Had I known I’d’ve been there too. But… There was much going on today. Closing the exhibit, music/open mic. T6 got crowded so I took a beach stroll. WOW! At some points, 7ft. of beach is GONE! Pilings that were under sand this Summer now jut 7ft up! Dead geese & gulls all over. Rather freakish. – I strolled the beach to B.Kslr. Checked the structure Sully pointed out. I doubt it’s what he’s thinking. But… Spring will tell. If I’m still about, I’ll investigate. – When I got back to T6 it was PACKED! I HAD to get out. Too bad. There were a couple potential stutzim. But I left. And I wonder why I live solo. I never act on anything. – Came back to the hole. Pasta in cream celery soup. There’s no food in here (& I don’t really care). – More texting w/Steven. He’s now sending “the” photos. & again, I say… But, facts are: we’re “cyber” & unlikely to meet. – Out for cigs. Chat w/P. & Ev a bit. Back in. Wash t-shirts. – Orlando was calm. Lorraine started at 19.00 through 23.55! – Admission: shampoo passes for spunk in photos. – Right now… I need to prep. HRA/DSS & the day. – P. just rang twice. Nobody there! Same shit yesterday fm Moe. This phone’s got to shit.
12.08 After being kept awake until 23.55 last night (Copley!), woke & no nap. – Penelope rang first thing. She’d taken a Benadryl for some “reaction” & couldn’t focus her eyes. – I showered, dressed & rang her as I left. – Had to get MetroCard this morn! FUK! More money! – She & I talked until I got to B59. She didn’t come to Tilden today. – By 8.35 I was at HDU. Mogu got me about 9.15, took my document, copied it, said “Your case is pending. When I know simething I will call you.” Done. 9.30, I was out. – Bus to the PO… CLOSED No heat. I never got that privilege! So back on the bus to Bedlam for a nap fm 10.30-11.45. – Had a quick wank. Sent a photo to Steven. Had super-sugared coffe w/half’n’half… – A txt just arrd fm Steven. And now to the dog-house, probably to work my exhausted arse to shreds.

8.Feb:
20.45 Bloody COLD in here tonight. Phone/web is miserable! Xanax coming. -Sent Steven 4 e-mails this morning. Much heart-pouring. I’ve still rcd no response. OK. Scratch that bit. -. Took M&E into Dr. Got immed. pkng. on 6th. Sarted browsing in the car & BANG! No DNS! It took THREE DAMNED REPS & over a bloody hour. EVEN AFTER “acct.refresh” AND RE-PGMMNG THE PHONE IT’S MISERABLE! – On 3rdAv the car accelerated. 2 jigs standing in front! ALMIST RAN THEM OVER! Moe tells me I HAVE TO CONTROL MY-SELF! Pc of shit! – Penelope says ignore him. Gives me credit for putting-up w/it all this far. – Orlsndo’s been hammering since 20.00. – I’m tired. Ate. Cookies for dessert. – No drinking tonight. Hope rides on Xabax. – SSLib tomorrow. – Chance to “meat-up” w/Darien on Thurs. Maybe I just will. Maybe I just will. – The hammering’s making me sick w/anger. – Smoking almost 1 ok/day lately. – Time for a total depression. Just fed-up… w/SO TOO MUCH! SHIT!

9.Feb:
7.33 That half Xanax was perfect. Woke before alarms, &c. A bit groggy but SO refreshed! – Voice-mail. AKENNEDYRENT! Woah! What a way to begin the day!

10.Feb:
9.03
YESTERDAY…
.About 16.40 A phone-call fm AKennedyRent! “Your tweets looked like something’s wrong. Are you OK?” WOAH!
.About 18.30: taptaptap on the door. I was eating & tweeting. Taptaptap again. I open the door to find a guy standing there, leather jacket, those flop-ear hats. I thought, “Server”. The voice “Jude?”… NOAH SMITH! “You remember the voice frim only ONE phone call?” He stayed over an hour. Talked rent, bldg., hx, religion… FORGAVE 5 MONTHS’ RENT! (More to follow…)
TODAY… An e-mail from LMJ! WAH-HOO!
I need to hold tightly to these…
18.25 NOT so happy w/this day: When I finally got ready to leave here, phoned for my a/c bals. MCU was less than I’d thought but TD! OVER-DRAWN BY 10,60!!! I wanted to bloody die, bloodily! THE ONE a/c I NEVER WANTED TO EVER O.D.! So, I headed for the P.O. for a M.O. on MCU. – Ran into Matt & told him of Noah’s last eve’s visit. He paid me a coffee at Pickles&Pies. Hopefully this will end any sense of debt he might have. But the miserable Arab at the store asked “Are you enjoying your new boy-friend?” Camel-jockey! – So on to the 94P.O. where the old guy was SO SO pleasant! And to the 53. – Storage for 2010 pay advices to figure my taxes. – Back to the 53 to Woodside, 7 train to GCT. – TD dep. 315. Avail. bal.: 4,40! I bolted to MMLib to TRY (& fail) to get on-line statement. I can’t remember the log-in info! But I moved LMJ’s mail to Thumper & did some Twitter maint. – As I left MMLib I rang cust. svce. TD. “Brenda told me I manage the a/c excellently! SHE REVERSED SOME 70 IN O.D. CHGS! (Cigs!) I was shocked & relieved. – Train to 53. 1$off cigs at RiteAid WoodsideAv x3. 53 to B116. Quick food shop at Waldbaums. (200FS- Dinner? Salmon cakes. I bought flour! They were OK. I ate a 418g tin of salmon! Full. – In all of this, tweeted, got tweeted. Steven’s gone thru his proc. And on the train I see a poster “If you have HIV you’re more likely to get anal cancer even if you take your meds.” Like I need to see that? Fuk! But the reality here is: too much, too deep, too fast. NOT again. – Was hoping for stim-time nut-bust. I don’t know now. Expecting Ms. D. at the door or… I CAN NOT RECALL T’s REAL NAME! So, fuked yet again.
19.20 Apparently Steven’s not angry… just rc’d MMS… in the tub. And a few SSMs too. I’m glad… & aware. Well, he’s in pain, has been worried. (After that damned poster, I’m damned worried too, to be quite honest.)
CARMELO! The “Tito” is Carmelo!

11.Feb:
19.53 Noodkes, sayce & cheese. Dinner. Pudding, cookies, milk dessert. Dishes done. Washed sweats. Screwed the beard: too dark, moustsche roots. Friday’s done. And last night’s bangin’ bull-shit continues. Began at 18.45 as I was just beginning to nap. – I didn’t get my 30mins this morning. Wanted to get to Tilden early. That too got screwed; a 45min wait for the damned bus. I did NOT sleeo well lsst night. No booze/pills.
DREAM: The Grotts were trying to trap that poor cat, put it in a bin, leave it in the trash on The Blvd. to be picked-up! I rang ASPCA, reported them. Kept telling the cat to run.
Very restless & late night. I woke even before the alarms. And today, a holiday! No library, no P.O. Really. But Mubsrak (allegedly) stepped-down as pres. of Egypt (& Jews will begin holding their unified breath until the new govt. is settled). – Penelope & I had good chat x2,5hrs. Off to work… SO TIRED! – Took A. to clinic. Returned 16.15. He had PT. I was glad for that. – Then here. Began cooking & such immediately. – Quiet on Twitter tonight. It’ Valentine’s Day on Monday… reminders of solitude. But I’m not the only one. – Scott/Darien is lookinglfwd to a hook-up Thurs. coming. E.Side Baths. Imagine if I actually make it? It’s been YONKS since I was last with somebody. Charlie was the last… in Tilden! Well, I’m going to give it a try (I say as of now). Hopefully this guy isn’t GBS &/or GBS isn’t THERE! Oh I worry about stupid shit. – & this place is KILLING KILLING my libido! The banging is worse. My hatred for this house increases. Oh, and 30$ pay for last week. I’m SO fukd lately! SO fukd. – Was hoping for drunk & nut-bust tinight. I’m tired, depressed, aggravated, annoyed. Maybe a stim-forced later. WTF? Better than none at this point. & at this point it’s just about necessary. – I’d say “Gone are my confident days.” but I never had any of them to begin with…

12.Feb:
8.10 Apparently the rooms up-stairs are no longer vacant. The floors are certainly not carpeted. And again, some moron who can’t tell time or hold anything in hand occupies. From about 20-23.30 last night, and even now, the futniture is being dragged across the floor, things are being dropped and I’m working on printing the entire Bedlam blog to submit to the courts. It’s very past the time to get the new job and get out of here. It was a huge error to take a non-topfloor. It won’t happen again. And now it’s not a matter of over-sensitivity. The thwack on the ceiling, shoed clomping, futniture being moved at 23.00… All completely un-necessary. An easily-proved case of harassment. – Well, I over-slept this morning. Had plastic over the window & didn’t realise it was almost 8.00. Coffee’s done. I’m going to Tilden… I believe I’ll take TENS, trodes & torch… 413. I could use one. This has become TOO much… too much.

13.Feb:
0.52 He’s gotten to me. This Steven. I’m stupid. But I have feelings again.
A 413 Saturday. Aftet 3 days.
Thursday doesn’t look promising.
I’m sick of this phone’net shit.

18.50 It’s getting much worse, very quickly. My nerves are about to snap. The shit in this house. A go-to-hell “job”. No money. Yesterday’s 413 was pretty OK but certainly not enough. Nothing beats the actual & that’s not about to hapoen. I asked (e-mail) about Scott’s status. No reply means… Good thing I didn’t commit. Better yet, great that Taylor asked on Twit about the “hash”. I don’t mind being dead. I do mind the wasting & complications. – Penelope was feeling ill yesterday. A cold. She rang this morning to say no Tilden. So, I went into the MMLib to clean my Twitter a/c. That & get a book on Reich which I’ll not be able to read for the bang/thump/thud/crash/scratching here. But it got me out of this box for some hours. – The trip in: Q53 to 7 to QnsPlz for the N to5thAv M4 bus. The trip back was the 7 to TS where it PACKED… Then got progressively worse along the line. The 53 to KeyFood for beef, bread, juice, cereal. – Immed. here, I ate the fruit cocktail. Made a large burger. Beef, it’s what’s for dinner. Must do dishes. – Not much vodka left. I’m drinking too much. I’m also losing weight. (Had the shits this morning.) It’s all taking a very high toll. Very high toll. – But the RBB Blog is now full of names associated w/the Nziparty so when any name is searched the RBB Blog will come up. I need to print it & then file charges in the courts. – Even now the foot-stomping up-stairs… I’ll never be convinced it’s unintentional. Whim-ever is up there is probably a plant. Interesting that they came in the night following Noah’s visit. – Well, I’ll be returning the abuse.
20.09 Forgot to mention: En route back, sitting on the bus, thought “I need money”. As I’m walking to KeyFood, there, blown against the fence… 3$. Now. How do I turn 3$ into at least 1000? Preferably immediately.
Spoke w/Penelope. She sounds terrible. We’re both hoping she kicks the cold by Wed. – She’s amazung. So set in her ways & ideas. And so many set opinions on the word… a world she has no contact with. Yesterday she tried to convince me that Obama “knows” the Eqyptian culture and psyche “because he’s a Black man”. Hmmm. Born in Hawaii. OK. But that’s Penelope.
Well. Now to wait for bed-time when the psychotics will rise-up and begin their revolution un earnest here. E’en now Orlando yells in his room & things get dropped on the floor up-stairs… DIRECTLY over the bed.

14.Feb:
*NOTHING*

15.Feb:
22.58 I napped fm 19-21.00 in prep for what seems to be coming now: Copley. SHIT! I HAVE to get out of here.
It was a bit warmer todsy but there’s still a chill from the un-melted snow. Nice. – Got to the P.O. Only a pay advice which I haven’t opened. – Spoke w/P. She’s still under but sounding better. – Pat’s putting in for 6-8hrs, 5-7days. I’d like to have the hours/money, I’d like to work there. But the dog’s got to go! The stench kills me! – I expected Noah to show tonught. Thankfully he didn’t. But the anticipation was horrible. – Burger dinner & cereal dessert. – Half Xanax & last of the vodka. Hopefully I’ll sleep well in spite of Copley. – Twitted quite much to no-one today. Honestly! They throw too much into this LuveeDuvee shit! And they’ll all hit Twitter tomorrow night again. Why bother? – Time for that hoped-for nap. M&E tomorrow. I’ll not be argumentative!

16.Feb:
21.05 I’m falling rather behind in keeping this up here. A re-cap of yesterday, Tuesday, 15 Feb. is in order. And, in order…:
So many little plans for the morning got tossed because I woke, twittered & napped. So I arr’d at M&E just before noon. It was good weather. The car drove nicely. No jump-accelerations. I immediateky found parking on 86th & settled-in for twittering the time away. In 1,5hrs they were ready & I was there to fetch. – A quick lunch at Shalimar & off to Costco. I took the paper/pkg goods part of the list & bolted, solo, about the store. E. took the food part. I still don’t know how the time passed so quickly but M. was getting edgey when he pointed-out it was 18.45 & we were still going round. Well, we finally left & by about 20.00 were back at the flat. I put the “pantry” items up into the closet whilst E. just… what-evered. I was invited to stay for dinner but she admitted that wouldn’t be until 21-21.30. I wouldn’t get home(?) until 1.00. I declined & finished the un-packing I’d started. Didn’t finish until 21.00! So I accepted the cheque (she’d already written for only EIGHT hours) & bolted. Lunch had been a “garden/house salad (I needed veg/greens) & I was a touch hungry. (Lately, I’ve been craving my nightly drink too… I wonder why…Fukall.) – I grabbed a Q11 to JamAv where I broke & got a 1,75l. I still don’t know how much I paid. I’m bad at keeping track of that too. I’m falling apart… psychologically. – Rang Penelope. She’s doing better… – Got into Bedlsm & the beginning of the end of the night commenced… I POURED A DRINK. Knowing I needed to put food in with it, I hard-boiled 3 eggs… It wasn’t enough food for 2 rather “usual” drinks… I twittered… away. – Lately, this non-partnered sex has been ripping my general being & I’ve been angry. VERY angry. At one point I twitted about OP7’s boots being in the hall. “Should I…” & AKR replied “Come in his boots.” That was enough for me…
21.29 At mid-night, I saw today in with Nick having at it IN OP7’s boots! Soft, due to the drinks & general fatigue. But the poppers helped very well. As I twittedlthis morning: Somebody’s sox are going to stick in somebody’s boots today.” It wasn’t as much as I’d imagined. But they’re Timberlands & leather-lined. It could have been better. But it happened. I went to sleep shortly there-after. – This morning was a waste. I got my hour at SSLib & directly to work. – Spent time out-side with A.Grott. A good day, esp. since I got out of there before having to change his pants. Pat gave me a bottle of V8… sell-by: Dec.30,2010 – Bedlam? I threw a burger on. Rang Penelope. Had a V8 (I think it’s OK). Gulped dinner whilst talking w/Penelope. Devoured an entire Hersheys bar… Napped 19-20.00 – Now? MetroPieCeofShit is screwing my Internet. There’s a bit of wall-tapping tagging (7,5,7,5) and I’m un-decided about having a drink. KHRNY screwed. NPR on.
ONE OTHER THING: AS I stepped out the door to the street this morning, I ALMOST SLAMMED RIGHT INTO DENISE! TIMING? She ignored me… completely.

17.Feb:
20.02 It was a difficult morning. I’d taken 2 RiteAid “tylenolPM” at about 21.45 and never got to sleep until after mid-night. By 5.30 I was up, 2 coffees. Just dragging the world w/me all over! – By 10.45 I headed for the PO. 3 envelopes fm TD: OD notices & statement! So began the journey…Q22 (Phil got on at B112. Said hi. Squeezed my shoulder. Went on.) I got off at B108 for the 53(Phil got on. Wlked by.) Liberty Av(Phil & got off. He didn’t speak). Storage. Back on the 53 to JacksonHgts 7train to GCT. Stopped at TD: deposit, correct mailing addresse to The Fort (not Far Rock!) & for the 4th time, stop the statements! Over to MMLib to correct THEIR error: The Reich book scanned as a DVD! Well. Done. Computer time. I was there… e-mails, a bit of Twitter, out. 4train to Strand. Signed bio of Reich w/notes hand-written on lined note-pad by some-one! 12,50 I’ve no business spending on a book I’ll probably not get to read in this bloody mad-house. Then 6 to 7 to Woodside 53. A stop at Waldbaums. Back to Bedlam by about 18.00. – Slopped dinner together. – By 19.00 Orlando had his TV up & was trying to talk over it to some-body in his room. Shortly, 14-15 came in clomping & dropping &c. – 20.21 things have cakmed a bit. I want/don’t want a drink. – I’m rather glad about Orlando’s boots. Considering another have-at-it too.

18.Feb:
7.59 Well, yes I did. I decided in favour of the drink. Decided in favour of the Twit. And yes, at almost 1 this morn, decided in favour of the boots. Would that be considered “favourable”? I don’t care. Truly. Of late, I don’t care about a lot of things. What I do care about is that the week to come will be packed with job-hunting tactics. Have decided to return to the world of Temp. It was good in years of yore. Hopefully it will be so again. So I must be sure to take good care of me, just to present well. – Last night the window got opened wide, fan kicked up a notch. It’s getting warm this morning. They say it’ll go to the “60s” (which means… “take him out for a while”). I’m not too thrilled. The Winter is waning. – Last eve. NPR reported that areas on public transport are changing for the better lately. I don’t see that here. In fact, I see the opposite here. In any event, it’s time to get out of Bedlam. Just time to find a quiet place I’ll enjoy coming “home” to, where I can get back to some art.

19.Feb:
*NOTHING*

20.Feb:
*NOTHING*

21.Feb:
*NOTHING*

22.Feb:
(PostTime: 14.33) Some time in the after-noon on Tuesday at the MMLib. I’m getting very poor at keeping this thing up here. Too much time on Twitter and entirely TOO much time in the bottle! (Ah… thank you… another 15 minutes). I’ll try to catch-up on this as much as possible but make no promises right now.
Saturday I stayed right in the room, all damned day, in and out of the bed. TIRED! That just about covers it all… TIRED! Was supposed to go to The Fort but just kept rolling over and going back to sleep. Well, really, who cares?
Sunday was quite the trip though. Went to The Fort to be with Penelope for a bit before the opening. I’d mentioned to M&E that I’d take them out for the opening reception today HOW-EVER: Ev rang me AFTER SUN-DOWN on Friday night and left an open-ended message. So I didn’t bother to rung abck. She said she’d phone after Shabbat… She did… 9.30 on Sunday morning! Right! It’s bad enough I have to take the bloody 40$ “gift” for the holiday and send it off to IRS because I HAVE to report the income from them. But THIS last-minute shit is OH-VUH! – So to The Fort here I hung about for a bit and then the idiots started pouring in round about 13.30. And who do you suppose joined them? Shirl! It WAS a bit of nice to see her. We’d all thought she’d goen to Costa Rica. She’s been here all along. Well, we chatted a bit. OK. It went rather well… BUT THEN… THE SHIRL CAME OUT! As we walked to the bus she focused on Penelope’s age again. Told me she had a “friend” search the Internet and learnt P.’s 84! When I told her that info was correct she insisted that P. lied to me! Imagine? Well, I let it go and we discussed other matters that should have been light but got heavy and dark….
(14.39) By the time we’d gotten to B116 she was in full swing and told ME how to correct MY life! AGAIN! So THIS TIME she got the full brunt of “me”. Yes, I told her that her life is worthless and walked away. THEN END! – Went to the room, had my little dinner, broke my promise to not drink (because I’m going through the 1,75l as quickly as the smaller bottles now) and Twittered til sleep. REALLY!
Monday: Woke early enough to be on time but Twittered the morning away. Bunky gave me a lift to the house from B112. The day went along pretty much OK. It’s gettnig to be “work” now. But I don’t mind. – Holdiay too. Hopefully with Holiday Pay. – This evening, stopped by KeyFood for some stuff, RiteAid for smokes (I’m up to a pack a day now!) and in to throw something together and callit “Dinner”. NO DRINKS! Twittered though. But NO DRINKS! (Tylenol PM how-ever.) and that brings us to right here and now in the “short form”.
THIS MORNING I went to the RockPark PO for the Money Order for the IRS. Then onto the bus/train to here. From here to SIBL to re-work the CV and then? And then….
(20.46)Tue.22.2 cont… Walked down to SIBL & just took a PC. Worked the CV from 14-16.15. By the time I got done, I was quite exhausted. It was more mental work than I’d expected. (Now I’ve got to “bullet list” it. Never ends.) So I walked up to the 5thAv stn. Nr.7 to TS & returned to Queens on an expresse. 53bus back. Stopped at KeyFood. Dinner tonight: turkey franks/black beans. Tomorrow, burger again. But there’s a bit of food in the house… one day in advance. – Tonight, one drink. I truly must stop the drinking & cut back on the smoking. Just must. It’s all beginning to show. (19.43 NPR report on job-hunters. A guy aplying for his 600th. Another, aged 53, takingl10$/hr – he used to make 50/hr. I want to puke!) – So, slopped dinner tog. Did dishes. A bit if Twitter & very difficult getting to sleep… all anxiety.

23.Feb:
Wed.23.2 19.47 This morning got started at 5.25. NO INTERNET AGAIN! Even now I’m being throttled. So I amused by cleaning bits of notes. Much to toss. – For a bit, I actually stimmed. Not to “the end”, didn’t even really want that. It was just pleasant for a change. – Shower. Out. SSLib to clean-up e-mail & Twitter. Thrn to TildenPO. Pay advice only. Bus back to SSLib for forms to file against MetroPCS… Bombed out of there to RockParkPO… TAXES PAID TODAY YAY! (Fukme. The 40$ Holiday Gratuity… 32.67, 1.10, 5.54? Fukked!) – P.G. went for her sonogram so B. & I were onlour own most of the day. He’s remarkably well again, changing shoes, toilette, &c. P. says no RN/PT this wk. I need to get away fm HlthCare! – Cigs en route back. Soaked whites while dining. Spoke w/Penelope. She’s very well. – A call fm Ev: How are you? Me? I bust my arse, put up with M. & my lttle Holiday gift went to taxes. How am I? – More stim to come this eve. Probably a drink. I’m just exhausted & disgusted. – More CV running tomorrow & a visit to PIC office… for scrubs & to vent.

24.Feb:
19.38 I just ate entirely too quickly. I woke a bit hungry & didn’t eat. Then out to the MMLib for 45mins. Signed-up for “Moby” picture-thing to send my phone photos to Twitter. (Won’t change my life any. My Twittings go to NJ, CA, the UK & seldom NY. Bugger, that.) So then the stroll to SIBL for 2hrs (again!). I’m more comfy with the CV. Not “pleased”. “Comfy”. I WANT AND NEED A REAL JOB… NOW! I NEED OUT OF BEDLAM… YESTERDAY! So. During the stroll to the train back, rang M&E. I SO wanted to mention the 64cents of their lovely holiday gift I have left after PAYING THE TAXES TODAY (plus money order & certified mail to do so… because I included their payments to me. But I refrained. – The train back was oacked. The bus was packed. Schmulik rang (as I was in Woodhaven) to ask if I was in The City. I wonder what he really wants. – I stopped at SSLib to change my Twitter avatar but the bloody PC wouldn’t save the image fm e-mail! – Franks, blqck beans for dinner. Oh yum… right. Toollazylto shop. BUT I was REALLY light-headed going to SSLib. Sugar WAY down! And that’s why I ate too quickly. – When I got in this evening, 26 degrees. How? – Dishes need washing. I’m going to nap (I hope).

25.Feb:
25Feb.Fri.: Terrible. I don’t recall the morning, but work is clear. Pat had a Dr. appt. so Bkls & I were alone. I ansd. their phone, spoke w/daughters. I’ve become family there. Nancy tells they enjoy having me there. Comforting. – Bnky gave me a lift to RiteAid. Then I went for vodka, some noodles at Beach99 store. – Cooked. Twitted. – Penelope rang about 20h then apologised for ringing on Fri. night. Sensitive to Shabbat. More than can be said for the Jews I know. Hmm. – To sleep. – The wk-end began. BFD.

26.Feb:
26Feb.Sat: A late start & off to T6 w/Penelope for the day. Audrey gallery-sat. Began w/complaining about our cig. smoke. Set me to poor mood. But she provided much entertainment when she locked her keys in her car… & dead battery! Her arrogance redressed. Penelope chauffered to/fm the fire-house. 2 young fire-men in the back-seat w/P. & I up front. We both chose the same 1. It was cute. & I enjoy the ability to be open w/her. – Jumped Audrey’s vehicle & left her. I got the bus to Bedlam. Napped. Dinner. Drinks(2). Twitter. – What was supposed to be a quick stim-off went to cath-madness & all-boots! I needed release & escape tonight. Reich was so right. It went on to after 1h w/major results. – I fell out after that…

27.Feb:
27Feb.Sun.: Began normally. Then out to T6 for the day. But what a close! – Shirl came by about 15.30 to return P.’s wig. I cheerfully asked S. to tell P. of her discivery on-line r/t P.’s age. She COMPLETELY DENIED THE ENTIRE DUSCUSSION! THEN WENT INTO A MAD TIRADE CALLING ME A “PIECE OF SHIT!”. in front of P.! Tried to sway P. against me. Said I’m “losing it”. P. later confided she was shocked by that & supported me against S. – Later, we spoke in the phone. Says P.: You’ve been down a very hard road. I remember how, when you were out there, living under a tree, you were always so immaculate. You went through SOME Hell & came through it. I respect you so much. What-ever you’re doing, you’re doing it the right way. Keep doing it. I do respect & admire you. – It means the world to me. Esp. from her. – JR leaves on Wed. for 3wks. It’s going to be tough on P. I’ll be-Friend. – OH! Moe rang today: rear tyre’s gone low. I’ve been saying he needs to buy new. But neither of them listen. Now he expects me to drop my life on Tue. to get there to take the car in. I said I’ll “try”. He said “Just come.” Their income cost me a payment in taxes so I ended w/64cents of their holiday “gratuity”. I’m rather bitter about that. But then to say “Just come”? If I didn’t NEED the money… I’ll bet there’s a tyre-change needed now. I’m fed-up, just fed-up. – A note: 3 loads into O.P.7’s Timberlands/he tossed them. I didn’t get them. Shame, that. – No drinking tonight. 1 RiteAidPM. I need to cut the drinking. I’m slipping into Rockaway. My face is showing it. & I’ve got fat on the waist. Getting old here.

28.Feb:
6.50 To-date. Feb. is done. Winter is fading. I’m not happy. Need rent x3. Don’t even have 1. The late-night noise here gets progressively worse. Need to pay phone again. Need work & more income. AGrott’s hrs should increase. Will be better income but shit pay for much work. – A ROACH IN MY COFFEE THIS MORN! ON THE DRESSER! FUK! – Rain. – Decided to hit BklnLib this morn. for PC time. – The 1 RiteAidPM helped last night. & I fukkin HATE this phone. – Quick nap then off to the day. – Another month. I still don’t know why I’m still here. I don’t know why…
15.33 Well? Here comes more money. Up to 40hrs/wk… Grott. I’m going for. Starts tomorrow.
19.25 This is where I join so many others working jobs they hate just to have a job and make money. As much as I don’t mind giing to Grott for 4hrs, 3days… THIS is going to be veet rough 40hrs. But I need the money! (a quick nap here… I hope. Cooley & upstairs are at “it”.)
20.51 A 1hr nap later & I’m ready to close the night now. The heater’s on (& Kol haShalom is playing some old tunes that I recall fm that LP fm NbgLib. This phone is fucking up. And I suddenly realised I was looking fwd to getting a cheque on Thurs. fm M&E as money has gone frighteningly low this week. Now I’ll get a shit cheque on Fri. this week & that’s all. Meanwhile, this 40hrs had better pay off or I’ll go completely to the dumps. I’m depending on it to be my magic carpet the hell out of Bedlam BEFORE the season opens here. True, the perfect job would be 25$/hr & this is far from that. But once I’m out if here I can make things better. Why do I even care? Really. Why? I just can’t explain it. But it’s the way it is. I’d prefer to die in some comfort, not in this shit-box. – 21.00 already. And up-stairs, the clomping goes along. Fuck me. Right? – It would be nice to get back to typing on a key-board tuar (that) doesn’t replacw (replace) lettres at randim (random). I’d like that. I’ll be… no… I’ll never reolacw (replace) all the soft-ware I had. But even the basics would be nice. AND a place where the day-light comes in the windows. As Penelope said: clean, quiet. Yes. Clean, quiet & light. We’ll see in 2 weeks… the 1st 40hr cheque. If need be, I’ll increase my deductions on the W4 for a while to decrease my taxes taken. Truly. Screws to the U.S. I need… NOW! I NEED OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE… NOW! – Meanwhile, spoke w/Penelope this eve. She made sure to tell Janet of Shirl’s out-break yesterday. She wants to be certain that I’m not injured by falsifications. She wants to twll Geoff as well. I’m thankful she witnessed the farce. I’ll keep in touch w/her thw next 3 wks whilst her JR is away. I know she’ll hurt a bit. She’ll need some diversion. (Fucjing phone shit!) – Must admit I don’t feel guilty about not being able to attend to M&E now. They took advantage… never really listened… appreciated only to their own good. It’s been time to get away. Now they’ll see what’s gone when they’re on AccessARide.
(PostTime: 22.36) Maybe AAA will help them with the flat tyre. The money they wouldn’t part with to me they’ll pay-out now. No more groceries in bulk. Maybe I’ll give them a Sunday? No longer out of kindness. I do have 2 marvelous pillows, sleeping bag & afghan in CT too. I need to keep the ability to get that back. But, that 64cents left out of the “gratuity” eats at me. TWO daughters who won’t do for them… and I get 64cents. Not to mention: I accepted including 30$-a-pop in my pay-cheque when I’d buy gas… and the parking. They write it off on their taxes while I paid EXTRA income tax on it. Nah… things have changed. I was taken. Not again. I was too kind & re-paid thus. No more. Not again. Now I NEED & again… I end up hurting. Time to stop. – My stomach aches. I’m deciding bet. a RiteAidPM/drink. The R.A.PM made me dry & blah today. But I don’t want to hit the vodka. Still, something to help with sleep would be much appreciated. I anticipate MUCH MUCH MUCH NOISE in the weeks to come. Hell will rise into Bedlam. (There’s been no word about back rent or OneShot. HELL is coming… I’ve no doubt.) – Well, February closes. There’s a VERY full week coming. I got the new car-fare too. I’m going to try not using it. I’ve no time to travel any more… – Twitter’s gone quiet of late. The novelty of me is gone for them. The novelty of them is gone for me. – Time for sleep… or to try. – February is done. Winter is leaving. It went quickly. I missed its pleasures… in this dark shit-box of trash psychotics. BETTER TIMES ARE NOW TO COME! ALL IS CHANGING TO BETTER. It’s gonna be a good GOOD TIME from now on.