1.April:

10.27 SSLib There is so much weight on my body, my mind, my very soul today. It’s one of those moments in the relativity of my existence when the decision of whether to continue or not weighs heavily on every heart-beat. Why exactly do I continue when it is so very easy to simply “go”? I honestly cannot say right now. But here, the month of March is done. The month of April is here. There is a light rain. It’s chilly, damp. Snow in the forecast for the day. How I’d like, very much, to simply close my eyes… never to open them again. But on-ward I trod…

2.April:
9.43 Woke at 9.37. I don’t care. I’m not going to rush any-where today. I didn’t get any peace until almost mid-night last night. Then, I read a bit. – Slept rather well. Woke to a full bladder. The apple juice. I’m going to try flushing the liver with-out the epsom & olive oil. Apple juice, then grapefruit juice. See if it helps the pain in the side. (There’s something in “there”. Something quite “not right”. I don’t want to know. Just… don’t make an invalid of me & don’t make me linger.) – The day? I’ll take it as it happens. I’m in no mood to be in any particular mood. – PS Added to the L.insole before sleep. It’s becumming a hobby. I wonder why I didn’t do so years ago. It’s mine. I’d prefer his. But he’s not in my life so I’ll make do. It’s fine. Just fine…
15.54 I haven’t even opened the door yet today. & am just waking fm a nap! Having the 1st food of the day: finishing the bkfst cereal. Twitter & random Googles for the while I was awake. A day of… NOTHING, nothing at all. – The apple juice is “clarifying” if not “cleansing” anything. But the pain is still present. We’ll see what the grapefruit juice manages to accomplish. I don’t expect much. I rather suspect there’s something at least semi-damaged in there… but not simply muscle. – Shabbat ends at 20.02 today, after A Prairie Home Companion. Imagine the timing. There’ll be nothing done on this day. Truthfully? I don’t much care. I just don’t much care at all.
21.24 Entire day in the chambre. Sleeping in & off. The DNS was diwn again for a while. Re-set by a call to “Gaston”. Msg. for J.Duane fm N.Smith on Wed.30.3. A ref? Gossip? Who knows? Made me flush, perspire, ill. Like I’m not sick enough with the r.side. This is all going to be my demise. – Meanwhile, still no floor-cover up-stairs. Copley ticking on the walls… both, ALL day, from time-to-time. I’d try to nap, I’ve been very tired all day. Tick. Clomp. Rumble. And the pennies are still across the door. Somebody cleans the hall but cleans around them. It will probably serve well at court. But I NEED money to get OUT of here! Had the Grott case held, I’d’ve made it next month! Next month! As always, fukked, at the junction on better days. – 21.32 Thumping on the wall. – This is NOT how I’d hoped to pass this night. And I don’t dare take a PM. The resulting pain isn’t worth the sleep. – To plan tomorrow… then Monday. More running to be away… like it’s been since I left Norwood. It’s been YEARS, YEARS of this. YEARS!

3.April:
20.35 I’m SO VERY TIRED of late! I could just sleep all the time. Yet, the pain wakes me or makes sleep almost impossible. I accomplish so little & yet feel it’s so much: Woke after 8.30 this morning, actually shat & showered, then brushed teeth, dressed & headed out after 10. Bus to Staples, back to Rockaway, to Tilden for a few tense hours with Penelope.
*Janet put me wise to the situation at the PO. NPS wants 1000$/mo rent on the PO. Delores wants out. Helene is Janet’s sister-in-law! And I want the job at the PO. If the budget would pay my rent and such, I could take the office! I’ll try when Delores comes back! Mama? Oma? Opa? And ALL whom I’ve known? If you’re listening, if this digital plea crosses your energies, please make it possible, make it happen. Please.*
And so, I broke-down the Court binder into a smaller one, keeping essentials only. Then, after Tilden, went to storage. My Tilden binder & old court papers, some books… into storage. Then back to Bedlam where I ate 2 franks, some mashed potatos. Napped an hour. Mandarin oranges/yoghurt, grapefruit juice. – Washed 2 pairs of socks (the boot-socks required washing!). – Now, at 20.50, time for sleep again.
Tomorrow is the libraries: 3 boros. Job-related & 8539266. I won’t be in Bedlam. Don’t want to be here & won’t waste the day sleeping. Rain in the forecast. But I must not flop here. – Tired now. Soon the light should click off. – Chilly. I don’t like rhe coolness if late. Is Death in the area? ‘twoyld be fine with me if so.

4.April:
5.15 Read, last night, until mid-night. Even though the up-stairs/next-door concert went on. And now? This morning?
PAIN*!*! and fatigue.
Too much to do. (But I’m not jaundiced.)
PAIN*!*!
20.37 Q53 74th/Bwy HOT! FUK! – Let’s hit this day:
.PenLib by 10.00. EMPTY! Cleaned this blog up, checked Twitter. Out by something-around 11.
.53 to 35 to B41 to BklnLib. Sarted the 8539266 transcription (again). 30mins. Off we went.
.Nr3 to Nevins Nr5 GCT. New “New Haven” schedule. MMLib.
.MMLib. TRIED, on a miserable key-board, to transcribe more. HALF A DAMNED PAGE! (Went to the office to complain. Duly & nicely noted.)
.SIBL. The time on the MMLib PC was in the system but I feigned. Got an HOUR! Cover lettre, CVs on.the Flash-drive. Applied to 3 jobs on Craigslist.
.16.40 Walked to Schmulik’s office. Created a gmail acct for Jude. (Schmulik actually did it. PW openass55. So precious is he.)
.He took me to TekServe, trying to get me to go Mac. We browsed. I can’t afford now! But WTF?
.Both of us… C to G. I rode the G w/him, then to CourtSquare for 7 to 61st.
20.49 WoodhavenBlvd! I haven’t eaten all day. One tin of coffee a little while ago. My r.side is “fair” but only salmon for dinner (IF there’s no shit to deal with at Bedlam. FUK!)
Productive & LONG day! I’ll shower before bed tonight. M&E tomorrow.

5.April:
5.58 (It’s going to be an interesting day) – Last night, for about half an hour, until 23h. or so, sbsblime, kndyrnt, dschn & jp1 got on me r/t posting pics of LtlThmpr! Relentlessly. It was rather cute. But when I decided to do so, this pc. of shite phone decided to crash! So I said I’d post at 5.30 this a.m. Well…
At about 23.30, Coply comes storming in. Key crunching in the door, banging on the wall! I posted to the BedlamBlog for the 1st time in a while. Stupid bitch (she…).
Then I put 5 shots into drafts, hooked-up the heater, primarily for the white noise, lights out… just past mid-night.
This morning, “Bzzz.Bzzz.Bzzz.” I’d left the phone on “vibrate” but woke at 5.32. Off went the 5 drafts. Did coffee &… as I went to pick-up my book? “ZING”! My BACK! Weeks of liver pain & now SCIATICA? So breakfast was coffee, VitC, 1 Advil. (I’ve been trying to avoid the meds). That I’m awake at all is noteable. Now, when I’m looking forward to a Fleets (Moe) & a rainy day on the bus & in the car… ZING! I just don’t understand… existence.
Well… fukkit. That’s all… Fukkit.
19.53 Above & to my left: thud, clomp, scratch, thwack. And I only walked in about an hour ago. Now to see when it stops. – Otherwise… Just did NOT want to get out of bed this morning so at 5.32 I sent off my “pics” to Twits, a couple comments & went back to sleep. 9.15 or so, showered & out just before 10. Libraries closed til 13.00. Q53 to Michael’s for some small items. The queue was LONG, at 11.24 I put my items on a table & left for the 23bus. Drizzle. – Arr’d M&E by 11.30-something. Moe, very anxious to get on with the business at hand. So, I did, cleaned up, had coffee. We lwft for TheCity. – Got to his appt. 30mins early. I found parking on 3rd at 77th. Surfed, twitted. By 15.15 he was done but I had to drive to 81st to get back to 76. NYC! – Lunch at Ben’s. Pastrami sandwich (10$+), coffee. Back to the flat. Out by avout 17.00. – Q11 to Liberty. 21 to KeyFood mostly for juices. Walked to Bedlam. – The day began warm, windy, cloudy, lovely. It’s turned windy, quite chilly. – I’m SO tired. A bit of a nap. – Tri-boro run again, tomorrow. – 20.06 Bumpscratch continues.

6.April:
13.55 Q to SheepsheqdBay fm OceanPkwy. Got my hour at PenLib. Much accomplished ob 8539266. – Q22 to Tilen. The idiot closed at 11.53! BUT I met Monahan on the Q35! We both took the B3. I caught the 68 to Jackie’s. T-shirts, sweat-pants. 10$. – The Brighton boards are being replaced w/composite concrete! A SHAME! – Heading for BklnCenLib. Then MMLib. Then Schmulik.
I’M SO SO DAMNED MISERABLY FATIGUED! PLAIN FATIGUE! Something’s EXTREMELY WRONG IN MY BODY. AND MY L.HAND IS PAINFUL. WRONG. JUST WRONG. BUT THE FATIGUE! (I don’t want to know.)
18.02 Q53 at PenelopeAv. (teehee). Hot my 30mins at BklnCen. 45mins at MMLib. Schmulik working til 18.30(“at least”). I’m actually feeling febrile. Fatigued. Painful. Decided to go to Bedlam… have dinner (pasta, cr.mushroom). Death would be a nice dessert. – There’ll be banging & shit tonight. Maybe I should go to The Shelter for sleep. But it’s rainy. Bad night for The Shelter. Oh well. Add to the pain…

7.April:
6.00 Interesting morning: Last night, I came in at about 18.45, incredibly FATIGUED. Put on water for pasta & a ginger tea. Made dinner (pasta, crm.mushroom), started the tea. Ate. Put food dishes in sink. Laid down for a “nap” at about 19.45 or so. I expected to be rudely awakened by 21.00 by the shit up-stairs, or by 22.00 by Copley… The radio/light went off. I was barely awake, I heard the timer, thought “Thank god!” & drifted right back to sleep… until 5.25 THIS MORNING! SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! – Now, I’ve washed last night’s dishes, finished morning coffee, had a smoke… am only slightly “rested”, still a bit weary… after almost NINE hours of sleep. I had a dream I think. Something about the hall light I broke at M&E. But I don’t quite recall. I think I slept last night. But there-in lies the problemme: I don’t actually SLEEP at night. As in The Shelter, I wait for a knock on the door, bang on wall or ceiling, something, anything that will JOLT me out of rest… ALL night. And I “wake”, slept but un-rested. Too much AnticipatoryAnxiety. – Well, here we are, Thursday, 6.14. Moe this afternoon. I’m actually not looking forward to it. I have to hold the thought: “Let it all ride.” He means no ill. I just can’t (never could) handle “doting”… don’t/can’t appreciate blank/empty/useless “care”. I’ve major issues that people won’t help with but they hang on the minor shit. It annoys me. So I should/must let them all be petty & handle their opinions/input with total disregard. Must. – Now… on with the day… What-ever…
20.56 Picked-up the “cert” fm Noah this morning. (I guess I’m about to get the BIG SCREW soon now.) Then on the bus to Moe. He took me to lunch at F.H.Coffee. (I had pancakes. I’m at “the age” of watching my eating. Oh my.) Got a bloody cheque for 10,5hrs but cheques must stop or else… He pissed me off at the last moment by stating “You have no income.” if I don’t work for the agency… WHILE HE has me booked for Mon.Tue. next week. Oh well. – Got quite a bit more of 8539266 on-line at PenLib this evening. I’m at s point where I can dedicate library time to it & there are only about 3 pages to go in the original book! I’ll take photos of the sketches to include them on the blog. Then, print the whole thing as back-up. – Walked the boards a while. KeyFood for juice & TOILET PAPER (fm the FS cash)! LONG time I haven’t had toilet paper. Wow! – Rang Penelope r/t pending Fed shut-down tomorrow & opening on Sun. She spun her olde-tyme repetitive stories but I tolersted them. – Dinner: pasta, crm.potato soup, yoghurt, juice. Dishes are done. – Soon to bed. It’s been quite still so far. – Tomorrow? It’s tomorrow.

8.April:
7.26 Friday. Shabbat. Begins with an attempt to lift the back-pack & an EXPLOSION of PAIN in the r.side. Not sciatica. As if some mass popped into/out of some spot. – At 0.32 I woke to pee. Almost 1l, clear, clean, apple juice. The “flushing” seems to be going well. But the pain… the pain lingers. I have my suspicions. I don’t want to know. What-ever… it’s time. May the finale be swift. – Today? Perhaps a 2hr/2boro run for 8539266. If this pain is “something”, that MUST get entred… a linked listing of the blogs needs to be written. Perhaps in an enveloppe, stamped & addressed. “The bitches” to be notified, made aware. Nothing is left. Nothing remains. These are the days of my Great Depression. The good of it? Nothing remains. What they left of my existence is exactly what they receive.
(7.52)When I left, I drove to Albany, alone, to find a job. 2 days later I drove to Albany, alone, to find a “home”. 2 days later I drove to Albany, alone, to move into an empty apartment. I had: 2 pillows, sleeping bag, clock-radio, card-table, 2 folding chairs, a stuffed St.Bernard. As “help”, I received 140$… one month’s rent.
JJ: An apartment was waiting. Apple Valley. Rent, security, utilities, paid. Furnished. Subsequently, back rent, over-due utilities got paid. Food replenished.
C: An apartment was waiting. Lakeside. Utilities paid. Furnished.
JD: An apartment was waiting. Shaker Heights. Utilities paid. Furnished.
I received nothing. I owe you nothing. But the documentation of my history? Not what I owe you… but what you deserve.

14.29 11-12.15 at PenLib. Almost to the end of the sketch-Journal, Oct.Bellevue. – Penelope was at T6. We schmoozed. She dropped me by the P.O… CLOSED! CLOSED? Yeah. Like that’s gonna help keep it open. Time to get me a JOB! Change the way the damned place is run. Fukkem! OK! – Off to BklnLib for more typing now. – L.hand, CarplesTunnel? PAINFUL! I’m falling to pieces. (& LMJ on the W.Coast! I die before I can fulfill. I was conceived for all the wrong reasons.) – Friday. Almost finished.
19.07 Well… The coffee press (5,99), the lampe (7,99*) replaced. Art & books to go. There’s little left of value left in here. Comforting. Depressing. But great kindling for a major fire in Court. I’m quite ready now. – Got another 2 days completed on 8539266. Went to Tilden after PenLib. Stopped to see Penelope (& preview the water-colours… got angry again. MY WORK is at par with The Bklyn Society!!! Those responsible for the destruction of my work should ROT slowly, painfully. This is how I feel. This is what I want. – The P.O.? CLOSED AGAIN! Fukkin idiots! So I went for 30mins at BklnCenLib. Did very well. – En route back, Target. Wanted CHEAP lampe & jar/vase for candles. Well, *the lampe base was 9,99 & the shade 7,99. At the cashe, the guy scanned the shade only! A CHEAP lampe! UNDER 10$ as I’d hoped for! (I consider it Divine intervention… a gift.)* Then onto The Rock. – Dinner: the salmon salad made last night. 2 sandwiches & chips. OK. – The new lampe is dim, even with the bulb from the 1st lampe (40watts). But it will do. – Ah, Barbara O. was coming in as I arr’d. I held the door. We chatted. When she said she thought I’d gone I told her I’m here, have the rent & am looking forward to handing to a Judge… at Court. She asked about the pennies. I told her to help herself if she needed change. We parted. – 19.24 I’m off to nap a while. Tired & my eyes burnm A little bumoing up-stairs. Must nap NOW.
23.01 I’d had a great deal down & this bloodyfukking phone turned off! I’m feeling quite angry to begin with & then… MORE… GONE! NOTHING IS STABLE ANY MORE! NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!! & doing this on this phoneshit is exhausting! – Yes. I’m still awake. I didn’t want to wake from my nap. I don’t like being awake. Even in half-sleep I can drift out of reality & into places that might be better or, even if worse I know it’s a dream & can come out of it… even into the Hell of reality. – The Ikea lampe is washed & packed, un its original packing of course. I was proud that I got a replacement for it, especially at less than 10$. I was happy to have cleaned it before packing it. But then I realised: It now becomes more of what I can go to “visit”. I was happy to to to Red Hook, to Ikea. A new adventure! And a store I liked to browse. I “was” happy to re-build my life after The Shelter. Little by little I was putting pieces together. A lampe, some dishes, clothes, water-colours, books. Things that I enjoy. Things that I thought I could have close with-out worrying they’d be stolen or destroyed (in a locker in a room with no lock on the door & strangers roaming about at all hours) (even THAT aspect has returned!). But tonight the reality comes: I don’t have these things close… I have them to “visit” remotely. I have to travel to hold them, see them… & at prescribed hours, at someine else’s convenience. They go to a 20sq.ft. locker. And even that is less than half capacity. Less than 10sq.ft. from a beautiful 3 rooms. I don’t even have a bed on which to sleep… this not being my own. Yes, I have a lampe that I can leave on, even now, as I listen to my radio, even now. I look up to see a candle burning, even now. I can smoke, even now; burn sage, even now; get a cold drink, even now; I can prepare hot food, even now if I wished. But NONE of ANY little bit of this is “safe”, “secure”. NOTHING is… even now.
23.25 Tonight, these days, this doesn’t make me sad. It makes me ANGRY! ANGRY! ANGRY! HATEFUL! RESENTFUL! Almost EVIL! It doesn’t “hurt” any longer. – I listen to NPR, the news. Others. Lost jobs. Lower income. A woman who invested her savings on a mortgage… fired… on Unemployment now (chomage… chomeuse). Renters who are forced to move. Latinos & Blacks bemoaning THEIR strife! FUK THEM! FUK THE MEDIA! WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US? The bias INFURIATES ME! The arrogant stupidity of it, of this nation! I was in a shelter! Other men were & ARE in the shelter. But WE don’t matter. WE don’t count. WE are NOT WORTHY, NOT DESERVING of even mention! It doesn’t make me sad… it makes me ANGRY! ANGRY! MAD! The reporters have their jobs, homes, comforts. That’s all that matters. – And tonight, the Federal govt. might shut down because it can’t control its budget… a budget comorised of TAX money that I WORK to PAY THEM! THEY piss away MY money that I work for! And the GOVERNMENT loses MY money! And I pack a few little possessions to put into a storage locker so that I can go “visit” them.
23.38 My left hand is painful tonight. Carple tunnel? My right side is less painful tonight. Hernia? Liver disease? Apendix? My bowel movements are small & dark of late. I’m constantly, continuously, continually fatigued. My vision is getting poor. There’s vodka in the fridge. It’s been there for WEEKS now. One drink & I feel the results all the following day. I stopped because of that. Tonight I’ll have a drink. Tonight, alone. – Penelope defended abortions today. “2 people get together, they get hot & go for it…” Penelope? ROT! I find other ways. & I don’t make “Burdens”, spread diseases that I don’t have. Give ME the bloody money & GET INTELLIGENT! BEHAVE LIKE A TOP SPECIES! I’m having that drink now…
23.48 My favourite drinks glass (from a candle)… is… in… storage.

9.April:
19.35 Pain. Not PAIN. Today. But now in the lower ribs… IN the lower ribs… & below & beneath. But not PAIN. – Gorgeous day… pissed in T6. A lift from Stephie & Anne at 16.00 to Waldbaums. I came in, put the jeand in to soak, napped. Fatigue. But not FATIGUE. – 2 small vodka drinks last night. Ping pains in the morning. OK then. – Dinner? Crisps & left-over salmon “spread”, crisps & yoghurt. Dessert? Swill rolls. – Washed 2 t-shirts, “Schmulik” shirt, cut unders. Everything hanging on the rack. – MAJOR buzz interference on the radio. I wonder… WTF is going on with that? From since “up-stairs” moved in. – A note: As I came in this evening, Phil coming up the street. I offered to hold the door. He declined. No “nice” greeting. I’m bringing defamation to Court. – I should live long enough. I doubt it. Something’s terribly wrong. Something. I don’t want to know. – Laundry done. Sun-set soon. Another day… another day.
23.42 A note: At 23.40 the phone turned itself on… I’d turned it off at about 21.30 or so,.began reading. At about 23.30 or so, I finally “un-loaded” a 4-day “accumulation”, quite un-ceremoniously but effectively & returned to my reading (which I have to finish). As I settled back to read, the phone came on! I wonder… suspicious. – Meanwhile, it’s an almost unbareable 26deg in here but the laundry is drying. – I must get some sleep soon but am not tired. No. I’m only “fatigued” all DAY. The “Sun-downers’” depression syndrome. Yes. I admit: Clinical Depression. And why not? – I’m turning this thing off again… at 23.50.

10.April:
7.17 It becomes interesting when I think, I can’t remember the last day I had with-out pain. – I read until 1.00 this morning. Again, I had the phone alarm on vibrate… but woke with it… then dozed. – I’m not fond if the cheap lampe. Same bulb, less light. Oh well. – I don’t remember my last day with-out pain.
10.47 Q53 out… At 9.30, no hot water! I “washed” with paper towels, cleaned my feet with vodka. – They’re “working” on the boiler… Inspection? TeeHee. – I feel icky. – Bringing the lampe to storage this morning. A shame I don’t feel I could use the car. – Well… such is my existence.
21.26 We got to Tilden AT 13.00! Quite the turn-out. M&E met Stephie & Anne, saw Penelope & a neighbour of theirs. The enjoyed the exhibit & the schmoozing. After, I took them down the Shore Rd. where Ev said (again) it reminded her of her child-hood. Then a little trip through Neponsit/Belle Harbor & Moe got antsy about where I was driving. However, he didn’t remember I’d driven them through before. It was annoying but I kept my mouth shut. – Stopped at Stephie’s exhibit at the JamBayCtr. M&E really enjoyed her work & signed the guest-book. – A stop at Stop’n’Shop. I did my half of the store. Moe was a bit disoriented & ill-attentioned. But we made it. – At the flat, Ev offered to pay my time, Moe too. I declined. But I got a box of matzoh… Ev got 5 free w/purchase. I’ve got matzoh in the house. How “ethnic”. Right. As if. – Left about 18.30 or so. Q53 back. Cigs at RiteAid. Bedlam. – Dinner: finished the pasta & mushroom soup. A choc.bunny for dessert. Apple juice. (Paid the damned juice at RA!) – The apple juice seems to help with the pain. ? OK then. – Dishes done. Hot water (Copley was playing in the toilet when I got in… jumped right in to use the hot water!) – Got rid of 4 bags recyclables & one garbage whilst dinner cooked… at ling last! – And now, I’m going in for a shower! Fukkem tonight! Tomorrow I get an hour at PenLib at 10. Moe to TheCity at 14.00. And I NEED to go get my mail!

11.April:
5.23 Awakened at 4.42 by 3 “ticks & clicks” on the dresser. So I decided to stay awake. – Some sciatic pain this morning on rising. Will I ever have another day with-out pain? – Kol haShalom on. Very clear this morning. – Showered before bed last night. Slept under 2 top blankets & no heater (went to sleep at about 23.30). – FS posted. 5$ cash remains. – Off to PenLib this morning. P.O… HOPE: Get the job at the P.O. (No doubt, this bloody dump will interfere somehow!)
13.15 Q53 BC to M&E. Went to P.O. this morning. It was closed on Friday because Helene says she saw a rat. Said she’ll close again if she sees anither one. IRRESPONSIBLE & UNCARING! No wonder they have trouble keeping it open! And she wad curt with me. Meanwhile, Dorothy (PM) puts a lettre in the Wave mentioning “courteous” & “reliable” service? BULL! – I went to PenLib directly. 10.15 on the PC for an hour. Then copied a few more nbrs from phone to the book. Got the notion to try for more PC time since nobody was there AND GOT ANITHER HOUR! OCTOBER 8539266 IS COMPLETE TODAY! A PAGE & A HALF LEFT IN THE SKETCH-BOOK! (Then on to the next note-book & then? COMPLETE!) I AM PSYCHED! WAHOO! – As I’m typing, the phone. NOAH. TOMORROW he wants to effect “repairs” in the room! TOMORROW I have to drive M&E for a 13.00 appt. in The City! But Noah left it to me: Morn. or Afternoon. I have to ring him. (I don’t want to but…) – Now, 165Av. HUNGRY! Need a pee. But good weather & en route… just in time too. Should be at M&E by 14.00. – Ah… the stress never, never ceases. I don’t even have time to be terminally ill.
15.35 70th/Lex.3rd *Trouble is brewing. Noah’s voice msg: “Jsn. I mean Jda…” In addition to the call to J.Dne. Mr.S. has done some extra-curricular. Well. Look up Jsn, of Greenwich Village. And Jda is what’s on the legals. But tomorrow bet. 9&9.30 should be interesting. I wonder if there are any silly warrants out or any charges never dropped. Well. No sense in fretting. It is what it will be. – VERY WARM day. I’m not certain about the parking. No Muni. No signs. I don’t see permits of any sort. But I dare not leave the car. I’m getting tired. Am hungry. Had just enough time for cold tap-coffee & a slash at the M&E flat. M started in immed: We have to go. E put a stop to it. I let it blow over. Made excellent time in too. – Rang Noah. Cold. OK. – Reviewed the 8593266. Otober is good. Proof-reading to be done though. – Other-wise? Other-wise. What can I say? – I wish I had someone who could be at the room tomorrow. But once again… as usual… ALONE, SOLO… just hangin’ round… waiting to die… alone.
21045 At 21.37 it began with a thud against the Nr.5 wall. The items on sink counter-top clattered. This has been followed by the usual scratching and other such noises. I’d arrived at about 20.25 to no sound from next door or upstais. The timed light/radio went off & the “concert on the wall” began. – The pennies are still strewn outside the door. – 21.49 Copley’s still at the wall. – I suspect mayhem tonight, to keep me awake so I’ll be fatigued tomorrow. – Tomorrow… let them say what they will. I’ll offer nothing. There’s still an inspection & court date to follow. – I cleaned under the sink, re-routed the lampe wire. Took photos. – Had tuna melt at Shalimar with M&E. The only food all day. Ev wasn’t fond of the roast beef sandwich (I’d considered but… my stomach). Then, at the flat we talked sime politics & I left. – A VERY WARM DAY TODAY! Almost Summer. – Time “on the clock”: 14.00-17.30=3,5hrs. Not much. Not good. But there’s cash & 2 cheques in the book for deposit. It’s going to be tough but… going over 8539266, I see I’ve been in deeper situations. I shall die & this too shall pass… “We’ll see…” (said Mama). – Time to read & then hope for sleep. Must be ready for the ATTACK that is prwtty well guaranteed for morning. There are sagas in the Torah about such things. This will be no worse, to be sure. – 21.59 and Copley continues at the wall… but upstairs has been unusually quiet. There is an imbalance in the “usual order” of Bedlam. – And my Internet connectivity is vwry poor. Let’s see if this posts.

12.April:
6.40 I just want to go back to sleep. Read until mid-night. The book got to the 1970s & as I read, I thought of Oma… She was going through the horrors of chemo at that time. Horrible days of chemo! – Now, this morning, I’m tired (nothing new I supose). – Planned course: say nothing to anybody. Read, in silence. I don’t like this… at all. I don’t trust ANY of them. No doubt there’ll be “the team”. Noah, Carmello, Denise, maybe Jim Miller. 5 people, crammed into this walk-in closet. Jolly fun. Calm to be maintained. And I’ll be ready to bolt for the door when all is done. – I’m glad I got to bleach the walls before this though. Looks like I actually “care” about this shit-box. – Rain begins today. Thurs. the only clear day of the week. And that’s Inservice. Right. – Shower at 7. Then? Try to stay awake. – I just do NOT like this… just do not; having “them” in here & me, with-out witnesses/back-up, support. But Fate has dealt worse in my time… much, much worse.
21.41 Tired & distraught. Stayed in thelriim until 10.30 (took pics of room & clock). NOBODY SHOWED!!! Rang Ev to say I’d be there on time. (She mentioned the time: 10.42.) Stopped at RiteAid to get her some Advil. Made it to their flat in just enough time for coffee & go. – En route it began to rain. We were just leaving the bldg. when Noah rang (12.15). I wanted him to leave a msg. & he did. – Great timing getting to the the Dr. I pulled over on the street to listen to Noah’s msg. “We’re here. You’re not there. What’s going on? Call me.”
*I RANG NOAH!
.HE CLAIMED “WE” WERE THERE KNOCKING AT 10.42.
.CLAIMS HE HAS STATEMENTS & WITNESSES THAT “AT LEAST A HALF A DOZEN LANDLORDS” ARE LOOKING FOR ME BECAUSE I OWE THEM RENT!
.CLAIMS PIC/VNS HAS NO RECORD OF ME WORKING FOR THEM!
.WANTS A LETTRE TO CONFIRM MY EMPLOYMENT.
.CLAIMS *I* PUT THE PENNIES OUTSIDE THE DOOR AS SOME “VOODOO”!
.CLAIMS MY “M.O.” IS TO SUE.
.CLAIMS I TOLD HIM I’D BE AVAILABLE ALL DAY.
MEANWHILE, I GET BACK TO THE HOUSE TO FIND THE PENNIES NEATLY STACKES BESIDE THE DOOR A*N*D* A DISPO TAKED TO THE DOOR… DATED 6 APRIL!*
Meanwhile back to M&E: The Dr. noticed an arrhythmia. Off to Lennox Hill Hosp. where Moe got a minitor. I parked on 3rd in front of Gristedes, got 2 pains au chocolate, a bottle of coffee. Good thing I did. Hungry & TIRED! With-in 20mins Ev rang. They were done. I had to go from around the block up to 102 in traffic! But all went well. – We went to Carmel Mkt. in 108 ForestHills. Israeli foods. Fun. M&E said I should pick out something… on them. I want for nothing (but money to move!) these days. But, how sweet of them. – Dropped them at about 17.00 & headed back. The Q53 was AT the corner! – Stopped at KeyFood for soups & pasta (I don’t dare eat more these days) & apple juice. The juice seems to help with the pain. Got a Q21 at B108 to the door. JUST AS I GOT IN… THUNDER & RAIN! (cont…)
22.10 When I got in, I rang Ev. Told her about the dispo. – Fixed “dinner”. Rang Penelope. Told her about the dispo. – I just want people to know. They’ll do nothing about it but I want them to know. Both said “She’s sick!” & both said “He’s a bastard.” OK. So somebody else knows now.
Tomorrow, instead of finishing 8539266, it’s storage by 6.30, I want to bring the “dismissed” case tolthe Court’s attention. COURT by 8 for 8.30 (calendar & check in the eviction). M&E by 13.00 to go back to LenixHillHosp. Maybe a bit of computer time? Somewhere?
I’ll never understand: I go through this existence, quietly. But ALWAYS, SOMEBODY HAS to throw in drama!
OH! Spoke with Rmdi. SHE thought I “abandoned” her! Sweet dear. (Giving benefit of the doubt… but certainly NOT “trust”. None of that ANY MORE!)
22.20 Copley’s at the wall. The heater’s on for white noise, heat, dry socks. I’ll read just a bit then TRY for sleep. I NEED SLEEP TONIGHT! I didn’t get much last night. (Actually “fell asleep” on the Q53 this evening.)
“Peace”… will come… when I’ve died… Not before then. It’s most tempting tonight.
Know the enemy.

13.April:
8.50 CourtHouse…
Last night’s DREAMS:
.In a hurry to get to work, rummaging through clothes & scrubs. (Ambiguity: home/homeless) Navy scrubs with large “tar” spot on back thigh of right leg. White scrubs with faded navy spots, apparently from a washing machine, on leg. I took the navy scrubs to go to work, unhappy about tar but thought no one would notice/blame it on the seat on the bus.
.Heavy,unattractive, younger guy, black-with-some-grey hair, scraggly facial hair, slouched un dront if me. I remove my boots. He looks at them & then smiles at me. He removes his boots & then proceeds to put mune on! He’s smiling, slyly, at me, obviously enjoying putting my boots on his feet. I’m conscious of the spunk-odour in them but he seems to enjoy it. (Ambiguity: shelter?)
.There was a 3rd. I can’t recall it now.
12.18 FUKSHITMUTHUFUKKUH! GOOOD DAMN THIS BLOODYFUKKIN DAY! Q53 BC to M&E.
A WHOLE GODDAMNEDBLOODYFUKKIN HOUR WASTED IN PenLib! TWO DAMNED DAYS TYPED & COULDN’T SAVE! NO FUKKIN JAVA! THE LAST OF THE TRANSCRIPTION!
And this is the only way I can vent, in silence. AND THIS FUKKIN PHONE IS FUKKIN UP!
Got to the Court by 8.45. They open at 9! Next bloody Wednesday at 14.00! – Out to the 41. Storage. Rebocks for tomorrow. Cigs x2 dollar off. – Lib. – Schlepping the sneakers all damned day, in the FUKKING RAIN! NOT HAPPY! FUKFUKFUK! – Now to the shit of having to listen to Moe r/t my “situation”. NOT! I’ll squelch it IMMEDIATELY. NOT in the mood. And EVER SO VERY TIRED! TIRED! TIRED!

22.08 The hospital trip went well & quick. And a bite to eat at “Mother’s” after (matzoh ball soup & 4 perogies… food intake for the day). At tge flat M&E wanted to imburse me for Sunday. I declined… & won! – The trip back was horrid. Several 53s & 11s… PACKED! But timing on the bus chosen was good… A call from Helene. She’ll come along next Wed.! Great! – A ling, late call with Penelope to keep her abreast & to chat. – Now, at 22.14… bumpity-bump-rumble above. That promised carpet still hasn’t happened. As P. & I agree: NONE of them is to be trusted. – Time to try for sleep… the heater will run… white noise.

14.April:
5.15 Certainly not enough sleep again. And before falling asleep last night, my entire body shook, almost vibrating, to the point of nausea. It was a very strange sensation. As though I manifested cellular activity. And then, I drifted off. – I think of the statement “I can’t force him to keep you if he wants you out.” heard in the Courts of 161st many years ago. And what action to take, should that statement come. Emptying the room is non-problematic. At least there’s somewhere to put “things”. How odd; a place for “things” but not for “persons”. The world is wrong. – “Over-nighter” for several days to weeks. Up & out by 8.00-16.30. That commute again. And from where. –
These are the times when we learn who “cares” & remember having been abused by those whom we be-friended… Ren, who slept-in, ate everything, had no job, money to help, but disappeared & partied daily; Kathy H. who slept-in, cashed a bounced cheque equal to the monthly rent leaving me short & alone to fight when she simply disappeared; TJ, again no financial contribution, roach infestation, & week-end trips to Paris, “You get 1st choice” (of ONE pastry from the box), AND an 1100$ phone bill.
Solo. Alone. Solitary. The 1st night walking the road out to he dunes. The 1st night walking the plywood ramp into the darkness. The comment (Moe): “How sad, you had no friends or family to turn to.”
And again, this morning, again, this morning, again, this morning, “Be well. Goodnight.” said Penelope last night, on the phone, & silence.
5.44 A house with an entire, separate living area, empty. – An entire house, empty. – Houses, empty, un-inhabited. Houses with empty rooms. And with-holding from One in need… ONE. – The world is wrong. And now it’s time to begin moving along…
KADIMA (Indeed. As if all’s well & as it should be… when, in fact, it is NOT “as it should be”.)
I don’t feel comfirtable leaving my loggers here while I’m away. Not necessarily stolen but damaged. It’s obvious there’s no consideration of law, no thought of “right v. wrong”. No respect for “human”ity. – (215,000 HOUSES REPOSSESSED! NPR. The TAKING of a house, putting people, families OUT. 30k/year for a single person, is TWICE the Federal Minimum Wage. TWICE! And 30k is bare minimum necessity to live. Yet the “Poverty Level” is lower. The world is WRONG!)
6.00 Time to begin the day… DEPRESSED… again.
6.53 A at B116. Loggers & belt being carried. And the new sneakers are uncomfortable… tight. – And my stomach is not happy, but the right side is “better”. – As always, my heart beats one prayer, one mantra: May THIS be the day that I die.
8.29 Arr’d 8.25 in seat. Comment? Nastasses.
17.37 SIBL I just finished the SKETCH-BOOK entries. Something in me is relieved and yet, I feel I’m separated from a very near and Dear piece of my very Being. – More to enter later. But when I leave here I’ll go meet Schmulik. I’m in no hurry to get back to Bedlam tonight… although I really should be eating something. We’ll see. (Just let Death come quickly and painlessly. OK?)
19.03 At at the studio, on Motek’s iPad! This could get to be fun! If only a)I could afford it and b)it didn’t require ATT for the connectivity. STill, it isn’t bad. – The Inservice wasn’t too bad and as I think back on it, it went well enough. Jeannine Pierre LPN and I got to talking after… FRENCH! And some other woman came by sand the 3 of us spoke about Quebec and French and such. She found it remarkable that I spoke French because nobody in NYC speaks French! Then put me wise to getting into the hospice div. I need special training to be certified for that. I’ll look into it, to be sure. – Got to talk with Ramdai as we were leaving. She asked what I want to do. I said… Work. Fine and ok then. – Decided to try the computers at SIBL. Got an hour and finished the Sketch-Book journal from the shelter days. Great fortune… The “Auto-save” version was saved so I managed to finish the entire thing. Now on to the next book. THEN comes the DIFFICULT part… PROOF-READING ALL THE BLOGS! Thankfully this one doesn’t requires transcribing. – As I was typing, Noah rang. Monday they’ll be back. Right. Fine. Sure. I’ll ring him later to leave a message. – Deposited the three cheques. Only JUST made the rent for a month! I need a real job! – Chatted with Ev as I went to Duane Reade for water/hydration. – And so, I’m off to return to myw Twitter whilst I wait for motel to finish his slavery term… Bless him.w
21.00 Q53. It was there at Liberty when I got off the train. – It’s really very good, having Schmulik back in my life… this way.
23.02 ANOTHER CERT FM NOAH! THE SLIP WAS AT THE TOP OF THE DOOR WHEN I GOT HERE AT ABOUT 21.25! AT 21.28 THE BANGING, STOMPING, DROPPING, ROLLING BEGAN UPSTAIRS (& CONTINUES EVEN NOW). A lettre of: a)I simply want you out, b)I want an adjournment because of Pesach, c)We’ll be there on Monday? Who knows? BUT COPLEY ADDS TO THE CONCERTED EFFORT TO ANNOY. Meanwhile, I’m doing NOTHING to be the considerately quiet neighbour… Salmon salad on matzoh for dinner after packing more clothes for storage tomorrow. And I washed the dishes. The heater is on for white noise as well. If I had the energy, I’d do laundry. – 23.08 THEY’RE MOVING SOMETHING (chair? table?) ACROSS THE FLOOR UPSTAIRS NOW. WE’RE GOING BACK TO THE LATE NIGHT NOISE ROUTINE. I’LL BET THERE’S A NEW BOUNTY OFFERED TO THE 14-15 TENANT. Well, I’m leaving lights/radio on & trying for a nap. No meds though. And I was hoping for a night’s sleep tonight. No problem. I’ll being it to court on Wed. – 23.12 ROLLING SOMETHING ACROSS THE FLOOR. OVER-TIME TONIGHT.

15.April:
9.34 Q53 BC: Dissociated this morning. Slept from 0-7.15. Coffee. Smoke. Shower. Out. Walked to B108 for the bus. But “something” in the metaphysical is “not right”. “Something” is detached. “Something” is “gone”. “Something” is “missing”. “Something” “is not where it’s supposed to be”.
DREAM: In a litter-strewn street. Copley with grocery market trolly, picking up “stuff”. I was sort of semi-homeless. She noticed the weight of my back-pack, bade me take a trolly. I did. Loaded it up with “stuff” too. An old window…
10.34 The old window was the “dominant” item in the cart. I “rode” along the road to a lake… Rockaway, Ft.Tilden, secluded. I worried about passing the house, bing seen with so much stuff, but realised the lake was before the house. I revelled in the coasting along on the trolly, the wind on me was refreshing and welcome. We (Copley & I) would meet Tommy at the lake, “store” our things there for safe-keeping. I was in very good spirits.
16.25 Just in. Quiet. The place is feeling quite empty how. 4 books, the TENS, tallis bag, stethoscope, art, hot-plate, heater… that just about covers the “costlies” that remain. “Good” clothes. But SO much is in storage now. And there’s more room for more in the storage. It’s emptying here. That’s good. – Left storage this morning. An hour at PenLib. A day of Nov.08 on the blog. The 53 to the P.O. *The cert is the dispo. Legally delivered. Let’s see what “liberties” will be taken on the week-end.* – Waldbaums: 2 rolls (I did qty.1), 2 Buddig, Medaglia d’Oro instant, creamer, jar of peaches, sm.Fage. Lunch at Tilden, like the old days. – 35 to The Fort… (I need to nap.)
20.28 continuing… (I started earlier & hit “Back”. FukMe!) Got to Tikden before the P.O. opened so went to a warm greeting from P. at T6. Made lunch. Ah, the good days of lunch at T6. – At 14.30, walked over to the P.O. A sad stroll… it’ll be gone at month’s end. IDIOTS!
*** A NOTICE FROM IRS! I OVER-PAID 2010 AND THEY APPLIED IT TO 1995. THE WAY IT READS, THE 52$ OVER-PAYMENT CLOSED THE BALANCE OF 1995! I’M FINALLY FINISHED WITH THEM! CURRENT! (I’ll see if another notice comes, correcting me, but for now it appears that I’m PAID IN FULL!)***
Somebody brought an arial photo of Tilden 1962. Sad. SO much is GONE. (Like my own life.) I took pics of the shot. – Janet came by. Always like talking with her. – At about 15.45 we left. P. drove me to the bus. She tried blocking a departing 22 but it drove round her. She was shocked and apalled. I knew it would happen. – Got in about 16.30, started logging here, took a nap. – At 17.43 RUDELY AWAKENED by something THROWN ON THE FLOOR up-stairs: BANG BOUNCEBOUNCEBOUNCE… (right, un-intentional. Fuk.) So I went into a “mood”. I will NOT TRY to be “civil”. Let the foot-steps here be heard… – I un-dressed, put on my loggers. – Finished the cream cheese, on matzoh. Cleaned-up some paper-work…
*** REVIEWED THE DISPO. WOW! IT’S LOADED: TOOK THE PLACE DEC.07? TRY JUL.09. IT’S FOR THE STORE, NOT THE ROOM. AND MORE. HMMmmm. NOW TO SEE HOW THE JUDICUARY WORKS – OR NOT.***
So now, 20.46, I put a bit of vodka in my apple juice. See how it spins the evening (stim?). – I’m expecting another evening of chaos fm up-stairs. I’m sure they’re being coerced. Wed. will be interesting. – I just wish I had a functioning libido. This DEPRESSION here is angering me.

16 April:
11.23 Just waking. Was up with LMJ until 2.00 ( twitting). Last night was a “2” night: 2 v-apple juice, 2 “loads” out, 2a.m. But the TENS didn’t do it. There seems to be a short in the terminal. I’ll have to check it (before it too goes to storage). – Still, 9hrs sleep. I deserve it too. – Today? I’ll pop out to Tilden a while. Tomorrow I need to get out for a storage run and make copies for Wed. – Very congested this morning, chest/lungs. Alas. – Rain in the forecast. Oh well.
21.20 Tilden. Bedlam. Nap. Pea soup/pasta. Sketch: shalom/salaam. I don’t much like it. Usual. – 21.22 Rain. Too quiet up-stairs. Too quiet in Nr5. When it’s noisy, I’m angry. When it’s quiet, I’m anxious. It’s all about to “get” me… slipping. Clinically… “get” me. – I want to cut my hair tomorrow… EARLY! in the morning. – A very light drink. The vodka’s gone. It lasted quite a while. Tired. But anxious. Too much… too TOO much.
21.27 In some time from now, a conversation will never have taken place. There will be only a passing recollection of me. What that recollection will be will be of no consequence, inapplicable to the present. In some time from then, they, you, like me, will also be dead, gone, and there will be no recollection of me. At some time after that, there will be no recollection of them, you. All of “this” will never have existed.
21.32 Furniture scrapes across the floor up-stairs. At any moment… BANG! Anticipatory anxieties… neurotic-to-psychotic.

17.April:
6.42 Woke to an NPR programme on Pesach. Chanting & discussion. Delightful. But the programme integrated into my half-sleep, causing a DREAM:
Riverdale Temple. Service. We were “reclining” (lying down, actually). I was visiting. I was attending service with Daniel. As a male chazan chanted (on the radio) I asked Daniel “Is that your regular Cantor?” He turned to me and said “Of course not.” (They couldn’t afford to retain such a wonderful Chazan.) And he smiled. I found his comment so cute/endearing. I snuggled next to him and kissed his neck seductively. At this point, I woke.
I haven’t thought of Daniel in YEARS! Why RT? (The Rabbi on the radio is from JTS.) Nu?
Woke before the alarms (6.30). Time for a bm & hair-cut. Then… on the road. My stomach’s “off” this morning… the remnants of last night’s anxieties with today’s fresh anxieties.
11.17 SLOW A TRAIN TO ROCK. N.Conduit. HELL! – Haircut done. Showered, dressed, out. – NO MACHINES IN ROCKAWAY ARE TAKING DEBIT CARDS! Butt-head at B116 sent me WALKING to B105! 8$ cash card! FUK! Waited on Q53 to storage. Put in TENS & new sweat pants. Took out personal binder, prev. court binder, sm.claims envelope. Weight. Fukagain. – SLOWSLOWSLOW A train! FUUUK!
18.42 I played “the numbers” for tomorrow. 4418/D18 on 18.4. – Got to Tilden AT noon. Accomplished? Nothing. Stephie saved the day. After Tilden, we explored Floyd Bennet, MPGC, BklynGolf, the marina, RP Golf. She dropped me at Bedlam. I saved 2,50 AND the 7-Day card! BUT… I had to go to KeyFood for apple juice (& chicken-thingies, matzoh, fruit, little ice creams) so, back out. – Just finished 14 heated chicken-thingies w/dijon mustard. – TIRED! NOT looking fwd to tomorrow. I don’t want to be here alone but, alone or not… it will all become “Nothing” in Creation. – A little wash to do. It’s 23deg in here! Hopefully the wash will dry un 10hrs. – Did I mention… TIRED?

18.April:
5.25 Last night, at 20.00, I had dinner, did the dishes and THE TROTS! Not feeling well, I decided to “nap” (mostly because the Web was down). Set an alarm for 22.00 and crawled under the blankets. At 20.54 (to about 21.45) Hell broke up-stairs, but I only half heard it… At 22.00, I turned off the alarm… continued to sleep. This morning, the light & radio came on… I woke. 9hrs of “sleep”. My stomach is bloated but there’s no time to feel ill today… There’s no telling if/when/who/what will be here to do the “repairs”. My feeling? J.M. & the Jesters. Will it take an hour? I expect longer. I expect a LARGE hole in the wall. I expect nasty comments. I expect demands. I expect a very sour visit. I’m annoyed that I’ll be in here, alone with them. But there really is no-one… again… to be here for support. And my gut is knotted. But 9hrs… “out”. Imagine that. – Monday…
19.06 ANOTHER DAY! 2nd time. I wake at 5, shower at 8, all together by 9, I read by the window, blew cig smoke OUT, Febreezed after each… I read… 14.45 the N.S. “I didn’t hear from you so we didn’t come.” WHAT? At 14.45 you call? I didn’t eat (so no dishes). I had ONE coffee (no dishes). The day goes by. So I only had time to get cigs. THE WHOLE DAY! And now? They’ll come on the 27th because if the plumbing’s not right on the 28th there’ll be fines. Well, now to see what happens on Wed. – Meanwhile, I spoke with Penelope. She’s baking Easter bread. – Ev, going to seder. She put Moe on & AGAIN, he starts to talk, gets distracted & says he must go. LAST TIME MOE! Talking with you is done. – Barbara. Fun talking. – Gefilte fish, horseradish, matzoh, apricots. “Seder”. – And the “holiday”… alone… bothers me… a bit. So stupid! – Up-stairs is rumbling. A night to come, no doubt. – I’m exhausted.
20.36 The “nap” was supposed to be an hour. There’s supposed to be carpeting on the floor up-stairs. The nap was 25mins. – I HAD a month’s rent aside. I HAD to buy car-fare, cigs. I HAVE to pay storage & phone. – I have NO “food” in the place. I have FS. I’m not supposed to go shopping. And I’m too tire BUT CAN’T go to sleep now because up-stairs is busy banging on my ceiling. – I need to lighten my back-pack and I NEED to organise all the bloody papers for court which means I have to spend more money & it HAS to be done tomorrow. Oh, & the idea of not spending car-fare & walking to Staples in Howard Beach tomorrow? Rain in the forecast. – I should have had a seder dinner tonight. “Open the doors & be certain that all Jews may participate in a seder.” Right. It’s NEVER happened. – BUT… There’s a littke jar in the fridge containing the *exit*. – Meanwhile there’s a call-in on taxes on the radio & the “experts” are “proving” that current taxation is fair. – I’d like to golto sleep tonight and drop dead in the middle of the night, under the blankets, head on my pillows. But I know that’s simply NOT going to happen because… “LIFE is not fair.“. – And up-stairs continues to rumble furniture. Copley will be chiming-in in about an hour. (& the hall incense slithers in round the door… nauseating.)

19.April:
8.05 I JUST WOKE UP & I WANT TO HOWL MY GUTS OUT! My essence is ANGER, RAGE, ANXIETY, BITTERNESS, SO MUCH NEGATIVITY, WRONG… RESENTMENT… used, abused, lied to, taken to be an idiot, stupid, weak, a fool, taken advantage of, disposed of. I woke this morning. I just don’t want to wake. I’m not depressed. Depression isn’t it. No. Not depression. Pressure. Pressure, anger & the not knowing what comes next, what unadulterated shit I’ll be attacked with next. And my guts are actually knotted… knotted. Wrong. This day is simply… wrong.
20.43 Right to it: Out the door at about 12.20. Stood at B111 for about 40mins waiting for a Q21! The TacoTwins (Ortega) came out if the house. Made me physically ill. Then drizzle. Took 22 to B108 to wait until 13.04! – Staples, Howard Beach. Found the binder, hunted for inserts. 3rd in queue. S.L.O.W. idiot before me. JUST missed the Q41! Another wait… in drizzle. – FINALLY storage. Leave some, keep some. Leave. – 53 return. In Bedlam about 15.45. I still don’t know how but… – Steamed the chicken nibbles (HUNGER). Sorted 3 binders for tomorrow. Tried for a nap but up-stairs came in. BangClompRumbleRumble. – Up. Wash dishes. Clean the chrome wall rack too. – OUT AGAIN to Waldbaums. FOOD(ish). Juices, pudding, fruit, Maneschewitz soups(2)(not for pesach of course), tea lights(EBT cash gone). Back in drizzle. Put up the stuff & here I am. – NOT a great day. But it’s done… And it seems to have gone VERY quickly! – Tomorrow? An interesting day ahead. Tonight? I’d really like to have a drink but it’s not a good thing before court AND I don’t KNOW what the abdominal pain is and need to “flush” things out a bit longer (esp. since “stuff” comes out in UR every once & again). – So… a bit of reading tonight… IF I’m allowed to do so by 5 & 14-15. – Mot du jour: FUUUUUUK.

20.April:
7.41 Alarms were set for round-about 5. But I was up, reading, until round-about 1. So waking at 5? Nope. Waking at 7? Better. Waking at 9? Much better. Waking up dead? Best. And I put the heater on last night, for white noise (Copley). So I’m dry this mornIng. – Note: drank lots of grapefruit juice last night. It makes urinating difficult. Apple juice seems to pass much easier. – Well? It’s going to be an interesting day. Court. We’ll see what Noah’s come up with on the “half dozen landlords” who are looking for me. And other things. In all events, Atropa in the fridge. – BM time.
9.00 Interesting personal note: This morning, a great deal of anxiety r/t this court appearance. Unlike others. Can’t figure it. Stomach and bladder affected. Quite odd. – Thunder storms in forecast for today. And drastic rise in temperatures. Unsettled weather. Unsettled me. – Yet so much more than a simple trial is r/t this appearance today. Other datws. Other matters, other issues. Other… it’s convoluted. In the line of recent reading: malignant.
19.09 Pasta in chicken broth after gefilte fish, matzoh & horse radish. And a hefty dose of FATIGUE!
Left Bedlam at 12.30… alone. H. was running errands. Got to court by 13.15. Tentant-help table? 9-12h. Pro se? Back at 14.30. Legal Aid? Out to lunch. I parked on a bench with a view of the entrance until 13.55 then up to the 4th fl. where I did like-wise. The room didn’t open until almost 14.30. But suddenly I heard “There he is.” H&M! In we went… to be sent from 403 to 402… pre-trial mediation. – The atty. was there. How typical: Noah wouldn’t come but he’d send his atty, AND expect ME to be there! Well, the atty asked for adjournement: “I don’t know anything about the case.” WTF? SO… 13 May, 9.30. 4 days after MY case… which the atty knows about. – By 15.00 we were out. (tbc..)
20.51 Dishes done. Half-Napped. Continuing… M. was almost funny, chatting with the atty, not knowing who he actually was. But I must say, I didn’t get the impression that the atty was happy about having to come to court today. I can’t say that I blame him. – So H&M got me a coffee. She’s got a sonogramme tomorrow; poss. kidney trouble. She has the use of a friend’s car, drove me back. – AS I GOT OUT OF THE CAR D&C CAME STROLLING OUT! HE had something to say, but I didn’t catch it. H&M waved cutsey at them & drove off. I came in. – ANOTHER NOTE BETWEEN THE BATH-ROOMS: PEEING ON THE FLOOR! I got a photo of it. And Copley playing in the toilets. I was tempted to offer her gloves… but, fukher. – Now, I finished an entire pudding. Shits tomorrow no doubt (may it clean me out.) – I’d truly like a drink. But I don’t dare. – Been invited to Easter dinner at H&M on Sunday. I might just go. Depends on how I feel. – Brought the TENS back tonight… temporarily. Why? Why not?
Today was Hitler’s birthday.

21.April:
8.44 Read until 1.00 (again). Slept through the light/radio/alarm (again). Don’t care. Can’t care. (Again) Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. Local libraries open at 13.00. I should get my job-search going. Need to figure my strategies. It was easier… phone directories, news papers. Now, all is on the Web… the thing I loved, promoted, helped create. Today, I don’t know how to make it work for me. I must change that. Today, I will. – Uneasy this morning. Weather is good. Must put it to good use. April is almost gone…
14.43 Q53 HB to NYC. Made it out of Bedlam! Clear but WINDY day! Waiting for the 22 to PenLib a car pulls up. “Taxi?” H&M! Folks I know here. A lift to the library. Fun talk. (Yest. The Tacos gave me a REAL HARD UGLY look! Fukkem.) And I’m expected to dinner w/H&M on Sunday. (Lasagna… but w/sausage. Hmmm…) – 2 days/2pgs transcribed fm BlackNotes. Twitter. Can’t save/send LMJ photos! Shit! – Might meet Motek this evening. – Hungry. But bubbling bowels. – LibertyAv. – Clear enough but too windy for the beach. Oh well.
22.15 Pasta in tomato soup, finished the gefilte fish/box of matzoh. Bowels bubbling. A quick trip to the loo (small & watery). – Otherwise, went to MMLib. Another day of BlackBook. 8539266 builds. – At 17.00 the F train to meet Motek. We strolled in & out of stores. We talked. Yes, it’s very good… he’s back. It’s very good… he understands because we both have an acceptable “limit” on how much of this world we’ll tolerate. We both have our exit planned. Oddly, we share this between us & he’d like us to share it. We won’t go alone. – I left him at Hoyt. I got the A. A Black man: “I’m 55 years old! I’m married! I’m gonna die! Fuk you! Somebody’s gonna wear my clothes! I’m gonna get a drink. They’re gonna kill me but somebody’s gonna wear my clothes! Nobody on this train can say ‘I’m not gonna die.’ I’m gonna die!” It was sad. A blitzed Black man yelling the Truth… nobody listening. – Q53, PACKED to TheRock. – Cold again tonight. But no notes on the door. No slamming to mention. – Tomorrow night I’m hoping to have a drink. And I’m hoping for “ME” time. – I think of work, money, housing, shelter. – Motek agreed: Temp. Also said LinkedIn worked for Chris. Plans… a busy week coming. – Soon, to bed here. 3 chapters left in the book. I’m afraid to finish it. It’s almost like saying “good-bye”. It’s been reading my life. But… like my life, this enjoyment too must go. – As a by-the-bye: Yeah, I do believe the CA’s comin’on. (Al Greene “Let’s Stay Together” on NPR! She took my music from me. I’ll leave here with-out my music. May she be slapped into deafness.)

22.April:
21.43 I don’t bloody care! – OK. I got my hour fm 10-11 at PenLib. Got more on 8539266. That was a fun recollection. Then off to the Q53 that met s 22 at B108 to Tilden. Nothing much there at the P.O. & Delores(?) didn’t seem much bothered about the closing. Though she did admit we should have gotten the “villagers” of Breezy to protest… inbreeds! – A day with Penelope. What more can I say? But I broght back paper & a frame. – After, to storage for the USB connector for the phone & the useless manual. – RiteAid for cigs (1$ off) & a tweezer for the phone chip removal (don’t need it) then walk to Liquor Town. Skyy (cheap) vodka. She tried “20$ minimum” on cards. It’s illegal but I got it in my card. – Q41 to 157th Q53 immediate! – Bedlam. UP-stairs in FULL CLOMP. Pasta, vwg.broth,instant potato for dinner. – 3xV9 tonight. – A bit of Twitter. Hairy, k9, jpup. – Now? Bloody up-stairs moving about. But I’m exhausted. – Tilden tomorrow… Rain. But maybe a brief “413'. – I’m very seriously considering Tel Aviv of late.

23.April:
9.22 JUST having coffee/smoke. Not ill fm the 3 “V9"s last night. And didn’t stay awake… I was asleep before mid-night. No heater (temp is 25 in here). I simply needed a drink, to blank the mind & to sleep. – I can hear the rain falling out-side. I wish I could see it.
DREAM: (this morning) At someone’s house, family. Sitting on a bed/sofa, strewn with clothes & linens. Somebody was moving out. I don’t know why I was there. I didn’t belong there. C.M. sitting beside me. Nobody spoke. The old man was “there” but “in essence” only. Oppressive atmosphere. A grey cat laid under a chair/bed, never moving. I finally asked “Where’s Belle and…?” There should have been another cat & small dog. I couldn’t remember their names. Wordlessly C.M. took a photo out of her jacket pocket. A HUGE German Shepherd, brown. I understood that the other 2 were killed, brutally disposed of! I wanted to CRY but I couldn’t. (I consciously thought, it’s a dream. I can’t handle this pain. I woke myself up.)
9.54 Just back fm morning loo. It’s warmer in this room than in the hall & loo. Odd switch, that. – The NOAA satelite map is whole for the first time in weeks. Just noting. – Coughing up nasty “gel” this morning. Precursor to CA? Don’t care. – I doubt there will be Tilden today… rain. A day “in”.
16.35 I’ve “Quarter-Napped”, lying on the bed, conscious, not restful. – Copley woke at 15.00… badump. – I finished “The Emperor of All Maladies”. The one concept that repeats in my mind: My “uneducated” theories in the 80’s when I worked at Calvary; so many were SO correct! I knew even then. (And it’s done me no good.) I want to keep reading, learning. But there’s so much oppressive defeatism crushing me these days. Crushing me. – There are things I want to do (laundry, art, cleaning) and those are the things I don’t want to do. There’s defeatism, depression, anger, bitterness. It’s really just crushingly oppressive. I want to get out of it, through it, away from it, but I want to simply die in it. Just die. The atropa is in the fridge. I think about it, ponder, consider. I don’t want it to fail. I don’t want to be found dead in this room. I want to float out into the open ocean & never be found. I want the freedom of the open ocean, open sky, open air, to escape out, & away… away… away. I don’t want to leave any part of me behind that anybody can touch. I don’t want them touching “ME”! And so, here I am. – Libido, lingers in the back-ground all day. But the oppression/depression of this place kills it, adding to/compounding the bleakness, inescapable darkness. – Copley’s off to play in the toilets (16.51). – 2 small BMs today. Bowels churn. Not sickeningly, just discomfortingly. – 3 hours until Shabbat is over… another day in here… wasted. – The book goes to storage tomorrow… & nothing more in that agenda… save a possible visit with H&M. I’m considering… or a 413? Shame… nobody to do that with. (I need to change that as well… use time left to “do” things I’ve only pondered.)
38 YEARS (1973):
.MeadowHill HighSchool
.Albany (Quail)
.MeadowHill
.Kingston (Frank in Henry)
.MeadowHill
.Gottfried/Irma (Brook)
.W232nd 6G
.NaplesTerr. 4A
.Creston 5? Joyce
.Hamilton
.Montreal
.Oma
.Jeff on Lex.
.59th Hotel
.E22nd Jeanna
.Zur
.Valentine BedPark
.BayShore
.Wappingers
.Josephine
.RoosaGap
.Em
.Esti
.Jane
.14th
.Norwood
.Beacon
.C.M.
.Chris
.Jim
.Margot
.B116
.Shelter
.RBB
The stuff in my memory! And not once was there anybody to help lay a foundation… unlike with the other 3.
18.47 Depression. Cancer. No difference, really. Both lodge deeply with-in the molecular structure of every cell in a being, there, they replicate in radical progression, taking life from the host until the only existence is theirs, until the host can provide nothing more and all… die.
18.52 Depression: Anger turned in-ward on self?

24.April:
9.41 (I had an entry done but the e-mail didn’t take! Again…) Woke at 9.32. But in fairness, I was up until 2.00… stimming… for THREE hours! Had 3 V9s as well. Too bad the stim ended in hand (& soft… I was so exhausted) but it certainly produced. (And this morning, I want more. Hmmm…) – Didn’t shower or leave Bedlam all day yesterday. Salmon salad on matzoh for dinner. No dessert (and no food in this cell now…) – Penelope rang at about 20.00. POOR GARY got TWO flats in The Belt, at 3.00, in the RAIN! He was coming from a job in Mass. The tow left him at Floyd Bennet. Finally contacted Penelope at 8.00 & they shopped for tyres, finally getting one on Atlantic/Woodhaven! (And I’ve believed such shit only happens to me.) – Penelope went to Tilden (noon) and he went to the next job. – I stayed right here, all day. – Today the world is closed. But I need to shower, get juice/food. Storage maybe. I’ll play the day as it hits me. – At 9.37 somebody stomped down the hall to the loo. I’ll probably get blamed by down-stairs. At 9.52 up-stairs is in full gear, bumpbangrumble. And Easter in Bedlam… Fukkem.
13.24 Q53… En route to NJ, akennedyrent/doschain98. I can’t believe me. I don’t feel “good about me” but I’m going. TENS in tote. Hot/humid/sunny beach sort of day. No swimming but sun. Oh well. – I’m not looking for anything out of this excursion. It’s not going to break me. I wonder if it’ll bust all the “mystery”… do me in/under. Ah WTF? I’m a mess… but no worse than some of the stories I’ve read and seen. And… it got me out of Bedlam. – Ak wanted to come to Rockaway! Imagine that? I told him I’m packing to move (truth). Y’know? Sometimes y’just gotta leap. – KADIMA!

25.April:
8.21 (Sunday cont…) Bus to A to L to E to PortAuth. Stopped at DuaneReade for water & aK rang. I was running LATE! but he was fine about it. Told me exactly where the jitney was & I got one immediately. Off we went… LINCOLN TUNNEL! Flashbacks to child-hood, busses to/fm Nbg, running away, escaping. – About 15.15: I missed the bus stop. I looked for aK/dC but didn’t expect… Anyway, next stop 4 streets, 6 blocks. I walked back. It was a hot day. 20/21deg! There they were: not blonde, not thin, not pretentious, not arrogant… just “People”. We walked to the bldg. & in. V-cran, cig. Talked a bit like we’ve known one-another. They un-dressed. I don’t know why, but I never did. – They each tried the TENS. Neither to… but that was to be expected I suppose. And I was too concerned with their safety/comfort. But I participated… some-what. – At 18.00 it POURED! – At 20.00 HUGS… they drove me to the jitney back. Drizzly. I can still see aK waving. On the jitney, back through the tunnel. The Lefferts A to RockBlvd FarRock A to Shuttle. DuaneReade, bag of crisps & apple juice. – 23.00 in! (Copley playing in the toilet, locked her-self in… idiot.) – Dinner? Bkack beans/inst. potatoes on matzoh. Apple juice. – By 24.00… lights out. – I’m very glad I took the jump and went. Henry & Aaron are quite good Men.
8.42 NPR Economics. How do these shits LIE about “improving” economy even when they SAY unemployment is “down” & yet the jobs aren’t available? Makes me vomitty-angry! – I got about 8hrs sleep last night but want to go back to sleep. Depression/Anxiety. – Ceiling fan on med. Warm enough in here. – Waiting for last night’s “dinner” to “move”. – I need to get VitC. (I NEED to get $!) – I’m not “tired”. I’m fatigued. – M&E today. 11.00-? – *Note: The Jersey Boys (aKr/dC) have the SAME shit: Shit Latinos above, beyond, around! Banging, yelling, drug/drunk. Just noting. – The jitney TO was SpanishSpanishSpanish! Hmm… they TAKE’n’RUIN NJ now too! – Not sure if M’s appointment is at 13.00 or 15.00. Must ring. (Don’t want to though.) (I want to sleep… until I never wake again.)

26.April:
4.17 DREAM: Tired. John in the bed. In this room. Keeping me awake. Making me uncomfortable as I try to sleep. He’s playing a radio. Wires all iver the bed. He’s taking my space in the small bed. – Sanding, drilling, banging in the hall! D’n’C! Yelling, laughing. Repairs. In the night. – I threaten to harm John. He admits to having been put up to it. He’s afraid I’ll harm him. Goes, lays on the floor by the door to listen, watch under the door. He sees D’n’C in the hall. More sanding, banging. Repairs. It’s late, LATE at night. – D comes into the room. Lays on the other bed, talking with someone else. Laughing. Ignores me but is there to torment me. Her father comes in. Tall, older. Drunk. Sits in a chair. Tells her he’s going to “take care of” me. She hushes him. – I see I can escape through the loo. I go in from the room. I’m out, in the hall! I have my mobile. I get to the street. On the F bus. It’s old, dark, dirty. I’m alone. I go to the beach. Kids yelling, raucous. Sand flying in the breeze. I make a call. The 100. A woman answers. I stammer, ask about the Order of Protection. “I can’t help you with that.” She disconnects! I try 311. Nothing. Nobody. No signal. – I’m back on the bus. Riding through the dark. Strange streets. Kids piled in the back of the bys. Loud. Rude. Frightening. – The end of the line. I call 311. I tell the guy I can’t take anymore. I’m going to kill myself. Silence on the phone. I realise they’re tracing the call! They’ll find me! I panic, turn the phone off. Nowhere to go! DARK!
4.38 I’ve only half-slept the past 3 hours. Fitful. Heater on for cycled white noise. Half sleeping. The trash upstairs is moving about. Not very loud but movung about. The droning of the ceiling fan annoys me tonight. I need the curculation of the air. I lit a tea-light. This phone is screwing my entries.
BREAK-DOWN!
4.50 A bird out-side. The light/radio will be on soon. Time to wake. I’m OVER-tired now. – Forecast: cloudy then clearing, 80degF! I NEED to get to the library today, Temp Agencies, JOB!
4.54 The mattress is exceptionally noisy.
10.09 Coffee. Last day of Pesach. – I look like bad plastic surgery. I feel awful. Terribly tired. Must get this day into PRODUCTIVE! MUST GET OUT OF HERE!
And yesterday (*Monday.25.April) went very well. Got to M&E at 11.00. Had a coffee and we were off. The drive into The City was quick. I got parking almost at the corner. By about 15.00 we were headed back to Queens, Shalimar, lunch. I had a small salad & coffee, M. had challah fr.toast, E. had tuna melt. – To Costco. I got the pharm./paper goods whilst they shopped for food. I also got a 500 tab. bottle of vit.C. They invited me to dinner. I accepted. (Chicken, more salad, dessert. FOOD!) Switched TVs. The one they watch has burnt out. Brought in the one from the den. They were so happy. – E. gave me another box of matzoh, some pastries, 2 rolls paper towels and M. insisted they cover the 15$ for the vit.C. “You have to stay healthy so you’ll continue to help us.” said E. – Out by about 23.30. Foggy. Warm. A 21&53 came at about 24.00. My MetroCard expired at mid-night but worked OK. I took the 21. Dumb. – DuaneReade, cugs. New MetroCard. TheBlvd. was EMPTY! I could hear the surf pounding. It should have been beautiful. It would have been, had I not been coming to Bedlam. In at 1.00…
1.00 this morning (*Tue.26.April) The house was completely silent. No nasty notes in the door. I came in, put things up. Got ready for sleep. RIGHT! At about 1.03 MUSIC ON IN NR.5! Not terribly loud but just enough to come through the wall. Just as I turned the light on! SUSPICIOUS! I looked out my door. Nr.5 was dark but the music was coming from there. 1.00am on Tues. morn.! I noted in the court blog & tried for sleep. Itching in ears & nose. The bass from the music. Even the drone from the ceiling fan! RESTLESS, RESTLESS, RESTLESS! THE DREAM (noted). The dream (note to follow). I fell asleep when the light/radio came on.
E. rang. Next MD appt. on Wed. (but nothing in between). Thanking me for my help yesterday. – I do good. Life gives me shit in return. It’s how it goes.
10.49 DREAM summary: (I don’t recall much) 2 Indian gentlemen. I helped each meet the woman in whom each was interested. (I don’t recall how.) The first, I’d paid their dinner at a restaurant. Didn’t want to be reimbursed but he was so grateful he insisted on giving me the money back. It wasn’t much. Something like 15-18$. I accepted. He kept thanking me. – The 2nd fellow, younger, gave me the 1,75$ I’d paid for something. I told him I’m just very happy it worked-out so well for him. I truly was & I almost cried. He too, almost cried & said “I know you are.” – I woke from this dream.
10.58 I’m horribly ill-at-ease this morning. Not tired at the moment. Just very unsettled. Waiting for the morning bm to hit. Then, hopefully, shower, dress, OUT, find WORK! INCOME! This week is tough: repairs tomorrow, inspection Thurs. Next week, only Wed. taken. – Yesterday, M&E talking about CT. Where will I be? And I’m thinking tent-in-Bakfort. I’m thinking Atropa. I’m thinking BREAK-DOWN! I really can’t take much more of this. I really can’t. – Phoebe Snow, 58, diedl this mirn, brain hemrge. – I’ve GOT to get busy with this day!
14.58 Low hmidity. Cool beeeze. Hot sun. Day gone. Fucked up. Q53 en route to train to SIBL. – TENS, stethascope, “fun stuff”, great book… storage. – An hour at PenLib trasyed. Typed 2 pages. NO BLOODY UP-DATE OPTION AGAIN! Needed print-out of TempAgencies. Fucked up. Sent transcription to e-mail. – A beautiful day in the Hell that is my existence. – I’m rather shocked that I’m doing so well on no sleep! But now I’m wishing the house would burn to the ground. – I’m shutting down into “Just Can’t Care” about SNYthing ANYmore. Shutting rightthefuckdowndamnthebloodyworld.
16.33 SIBL. 17.15appt. Fukkinjunkie gets a 16.30 & I have to wait! PLUS I’ll get 45mins instead of an hour. PLUS my mood is changing… FUKKINANGER! – 2 health bars, Starbucks in a bottle, gastro-difficulties. Amd the junkie’s gone off! Yelling & such at security. And I’m in the mood to kill something. I had to put him to the side at the PC registry. – I SO FUKKIN HATE THIS DAY… MY EXISTENCE… THIS UNIVERSE… ALL OF IT! And the junkie’s very Black & very well-spoken. Imagine. – Meanwhile, a PC will sit idle. O THE WORLD IS PAST USEFULLNESS! – I NEED CASH! NOW! FUKYOODAMMIT!
18.47 Flushinh line to Woodside & guess who has a scratchy throat, itchy eyes, watery nose, gas & tummy. Fatigue? Burn-out! Here we go! – Need food tonight. NEED BLOODY SLEEP! FUK! – But SIBL was productive. Saved the PenLib fiasco, went for many agencies on JobFox. New cover lettre on the CV Blog. 1hr15mins. OK. – Next! – I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be dead, Dead, DEad, DEAd, DEAD!
21.39 OK. Sore throat. Runny nose. Half a Xanax. Dinner & dishes done. In bed. Need sleep. – Upstairs at it. Downstairs got a dose: I left the boots on, dropped the back-pack. FUKKEM ALL! Did the dishes with-out “care”. – When I left Woodside, it was clear & warm. The bus drove right into “HOLYSHIT DOROTHY! GRAB TOTO!” The FOG! The CLOUDS! The WIND! The edge was at MetroAve/WoodhavenBlvd. By HoBe, JFK was GONE! Amazing. But I got to Waldbaums for V8juice, eggs, more chicken broth, cheese, egg nog (I’m a bit nervous about that but it tasted good), fruit. Good stuff. On the walk back, I thought “I should be enjoying this weather. Instead, I’m just hating the whole of this.” If tomorrow gets bad, I’ll call 911 (to registre the call) & head for The Coalition & ADL. Maybe the AVP as well. Then to the media & City Hall. Take it right out of Rockaway. Maybe to Chabad. The Lubavitchers should enjoy this. WTF? As ’tis said. At the rate I’m rotting inside, it won’t be much longer & I’ll leave my “mark” here… & else-where. I’ll be dead but Rime will be re-building… indeed. And I’ll be “around”… up from the grave. (Put your pennies in THAT.) – For now (21.54) it’s tume to try to close this day & hope the sleep comes quickly & passes UN-INTERRUPTED! Tomorrow? Will take care of itself when it arrives. (3rd date… is a charm?) I’ve nothing to say. They’re angry because they fukd me & I went back for reciprocity. Leave me alone, let me be to live quietly… that was all it would have taken. TRAP me &… even Motek knows what happens. I’m sick & tired of being trampled for the amusement of others. I’m now sick of being sick. And this phone-typing is pissing me off. Enough.

27.April:
5.50 Woke once, at 1.42. Had fallen asleep with-in moments after getting under the covers. The Xanax still works. Throat still scratchy. Sinuses still runny. Just the “residuals” of the Xanax. (I could go rught back to sleep… calmly.) Other-wise, it’s “Fine.” in the “traditional” sense. Here we go. I don’t know why but the previous 2 appointments meant nothing. I was OK. This one bothers me. It will be what it is. That’s all. – Will shower at about 7. Take it from there.
21.05 Noah FINALLY arrived at approx. 15.00! The solution to the plumbing? Take the PVC pipe, throw it out the window, cap the bit left in the wall (allegedly so there’s no hole & no need to plaster), & to cap my drain-pipe. I waited ALL day for THAT. And it did take undwr an hour. Oddly, he claims he doesn’t have the main door key. Anyway, he complimented me on using the picture moulding (duh) & closing comment was a reference to hoping I don’t find “something else to bother” them with. Other-wise, we talked religion, tradition &c. Take the biz out, we’d probably get on fine. – He told me Orlando is gone. Paralysed! No further details. (The radio on Mon/Tue at 1.00? Orlando’s family come to clean up. Right. Sure.) I took a look in Nr.5: UNBELIEVABLE FILTH! CLUTTER! STUFF ALL OVER! CRAMMED! Even a fishing pole! Well. Noah “says” nobody will be in there for a while because of needed work. – I believe he’s going to come on strong to get me OUT. – Meanwhile I’m MISERABLE! Eyes & nose running water, water, water. Dry throat. Almost half a roll of paper towel gone from the day. Just running fluids… running, running, running! Hopefully it’s alergies to something. – Spoke with Peneloe. Spoke with Ev. – Washed under-things. – Took 2 PMs (for the diphenhydramine). – 21.23 Upstairs is just IMPOSSIBLE tonight. I’ll “mention” it to the Inspector tomorrow & cwrtainly bring the matter into court on the 9th. – For tonight, I hope for sleep. For tomorrow? Let this ailment be gone. – (21.25 Bump. Upstairs.)

28.April:
8.27 Didn’t bother to wake with alarms. It was tough last night. As the PMs took, my guts cramped. 2 runs to the loo bet. 0-1.00. Radio at 1.00 in Nr.5. A post to the 526(?) blog. The draining nose, scratchy throat. Finally, sleep. – This morning, the “rhume” is in the chest with bits of drippy nose. Feeling “drained”. – Thoughts of CA/lung. (Hope?) – Shower at 9. Prep to sit for 4 hours. Inspection. – Need coffee, some “food”. Too many eggs the past 2 days. – “Severe” (seweer) weather in the forecast. Hmm… – I’m exhausted… mostly from the battle for this dump. Litigating. Being hated with-out dialogue. – Need to give up on the worry about the hate. Can’t control that & don’t want to bother. But NEED a JOB, SALARY, OUT & AWAY from THIS.
15.04 And ANOTHER DAY, USELESSLY TRAPPED in this cell! Finished the card started yesterday. A bit of Twitter. A lie-down or 2. And JUST when I’m legally able to leave? RAIN! NOT this morning. NOW. I need coffee & cigs. I NEED to get into job-search. I feel a little miserable. I need to sleep. I don’t know. Just don’t know. Shouldn’t go into the rain. Shouldn’t go into the chill. But… radio says most should pass by 16.00. I’m fed right up. FOUR days of this “no-show/late-show”. FED UP! – I’m going for 1 more nap. 16.00 and I’m out… coffee, cigs. Fuk.
17.27 THREE utility poles DOWN, B110. ON CARS in the lot. Seems the transformer pole SNAPPED, took 2 poles with. – Maria Calvarusso: family trying to declare Mum incompetent, take house, toss both. She wants a lettre from me to help prove she didn’t benefit from living in the house & spending father’s money. Yet, I wasn’t welcome to visit her father when he was dying. Nor was I welcome to visit her Mum after the stroke. Hmmm… I could jot a note r/t ONLY what I actually saw (no commentary). I don’t want to do even that much. – I’m having difficulties. NObody, NOBODY, NO ONE, NOT ONE has even offered “help”. I’m doing this solo, solitary, alone, on my own. But comes the lessons of MY Mum: Help if/when you’re able. A lettre? Still, I’m admittedly quite BITTER! As the acronym goes: FML. As my motto goes: FUKME. – Went for cigs., light groceries. Walked… slowly. Am SO weak/weary. Putting-up the groceries made me dizzy. SOB. Head in a bit of space. Not well. Not good. Residual of yesterday’s bout. But amazingly much bwtter. One-day shot. But of what? – I’m supposing no inspection. Good. More for the courts. And at this juncture, I simply want to sleep. Should eat. Bought burger. Not hungry. Just a bit weary. A bit. – Will set sights on tomorrow, for now. Today is pretty much done. PenLib open til 20., MMLib til 23.00. Need to pay phone. But being amongst people, bus, train, lib., not in my best interest right now. (Eyes beginning to water, nose beginning to run again. Relapse? NO!) – And upstairs creaking, &c. all day. – The nasty incense in the hall is making me sick! Where’s the inspector? Huh?
Now I lay me down, with hopes of restfull sleep. And even more than simply sleep, I pray to fall into death deep. (17.51)
21.01 Dinner: 2 burgers, on buns, kettle crisps. Dessert: peaches, yoghurt… followed by half-Xanax. Sleep tonight. – Hours of silence and then… 20.57, bed-time, clomp, tick, clomp up-stairs! – Ev rang to inquire on how I’m feeling & did the unspector show. I’m appreciative but can’t help but think of her comment: I have to keep well so I can keep helping them. I know it was humour (& appreciated as sych). Still, the thought lingers. – Well, under the covers. Heater for white-noise. Let’s see if we can’t just get to sleep THROUGH this night. Tomorrow has an agenda already… travel, travel, travel.

29.April:
1.19.THE MYSTERY OF THE MORNING MUSIC IS SOLVED! CD PLAYER ON TIMER! SAME MUSIC. SAME TIME EVERY MORNING. THEN… SAME SKIPPING TRACK AT THE SAME TIME (1.08) AFTER THE BASS: da-dum… da-dum… da-dum… blip blip blip blip blip. SHE PUT THE PLAYER ON TIMER! CLEVER BITCH. THAT’S WHY THE LIGHT’S NOT ON!
8.36 Last night, I was under the blankets by just past 21. I was still awake, in the dark, at 22.48… FINALLY, drifted to sleep UNTIL 1.00 when the bloodyfukking CD began! So ANOTHER hour-plus to get back to sleep. – This morning, slept through the TWO alarms… AGAIN! Here we go again. LATE! – A MAJOR ROCK IN MY UPPER ABDOMEN BEHIND THE RIBS this morning. And much Hatred boiling and brewing, looking forward to MY court case now. – Libs, PO, F.T. today. – Minor residuals of sinus… and last night’s Xanax.
22.48 A wonderful time with Schmulik this evening. That relationship is finally softening; we talk like old Friends. (He even suggested that I bring N.S. in front of a beit din! Clever fellow. Pointed out that there’s a grave violation of Rabbinical law in abetting the suffering of a Jew. Hmmm… I’m considering.) – Bumped into H&M coming into the house this evening. We talked out front for a while. I kund of like knowing them, people, here. – HAD to have a “therapy” phone session with Penelope tonight. I do wonder if she doesn’t play herself into the “attractions” she finds that men have for her. But… let her have them. – 2 fried egg sandwiches for “dinner”. V-apple juice. Only 2. (V’s gone.) And tomorrow I said I’d be at Tilden at 10.00. – THE TILDEN P.O. IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED! FUCK THEM! JUST FUCK THEM! NOS. USPS. Dorothy & the lot. – Now to get settled… and to wait for the 1am CD in nr.5. Tonight I expect it. I wonder. But it gives me SO much for the 9th.

30.April:
6.08 At 1.00, the music played. At 6.08, I want to sleep. But… I got a feeling, that today’s gonna be a good day. Today’s gonna be a good, good day.
16.28 Made it ti Tilden at 10.10. Penelope has thanked me maby tumes. – Started a “kadima” “sketch”. Cleaned the back of T6 a bit more. – Jeans, shirt, socks & T in soaking until 18.00.
Yes. I do believe there’s something more to recent aches, pains, congestion & shortness of breath. Now, the right side shoulder-up-neck hurts. This year? Lung? OK. That would be just fine. Buh-bye. OK.
Bedlam is relatively quiet. Copley’s seeing to it that “silence” does not prevail. But I am going to nap until 18.00 (IF I’m allowed to do so). Fatigued.
19.18 HALF-slept til 18.00. PrairieHome. Washed the clothes, on the rack. V8, matzoh with butter, pasta cooked in chicken broth. Dinner. Dishes waiting. – Up-stairs rumbling. Moron. WHO the fuk moves THAT much furniture THAT often? Psychoretards & crack-heads. Yes. – Nobody on Twitter. It’s a beautiful evening. Perfect for drinks on the beach, bundled warmly. But… no, not I. – I? I’m turning in at about 20.00. I’ll be jolted awake at 1.00 and what I NEED is SLEEP! I won’t get any: up-stairs will see to that, and Copley will assist. But I’ll lie under the blankets. Rest. Not sleep. If the temperature out-side was to be warmer than the “40s”, I’d take to the dunes tonight. Sleep. – My chest rumbles. The mucous is “dry”. Won’t break. – Last tooth, upper right, soon to come out. Painful these days. Apart… falling apart. One day… soon… very soon I hope. THIS, THIS is TOO TOO TOO MUCH! Enough, actually. Enough.
20.12 Cookies/egg nog. Dishes done. Up-stairs taking a break. Copley picks up the noise slack. This morning’s 1am comment posted to 112. Heater in (the little fan isn’t quite as strong as it was. I hope it’ll dry the jeans over-night.) And I’m going to have a glass of water… call it an evening… until 1.00.