Creating this page at the PenLib, 11.08, Friday, 15 April 2011. Things are so un-certain and it’s been a rather calm, but dissociated day. The pain in my right side has returned and I sometimes wonder what it could be from. But I don’t truly want to know. WHERE IS MY PEACE(DEATH) WHEN I NEED IT SO? And why do I keep going? WHY?

1.May:
(Got all this down… WRONG PAGE. IT’S BLOODY MAY! SHIT!)
5.17 And so I did… glass of water and into bed, 20.00. Didn’t fall right off but it didn’t take too long before I did… UNTIL 1.26 THIS MORNING! At 1.26 I woke. Silence. Either I actually slept through the CD playing in nr.5, or it didn’t play. I don’t know. But I woke, checked the time, went right back to sleep. Now, I’d fallen asleep thinking I’d wake at 1.00, stay awake for a few hours, nap, wake early and get on with the day. And the usual thoughts of planning for court, with possibilities of where to go for a full night’s sleep (the train, the beach, the shelter). Then, the light/radio came on this morning and… here I am, wondering if Noah is still reading the blog and put an end to the CD-playing (but I’ll not post the comment there). – So. It’s 5.29. The jeans aren’t completely dry. I’ve little more to wear here, everything else being in storage. But there’s at least 4 hours before having to think of going anywhere. I can nap, do something/nothing meanwhile. Time… this morning, with almost 10 hours of “rest” behind me. – Still congested, lungs. Let’s see how the day goes. Yesterday I’d been nauseous at T6 and on the bus back… suddenly. Let’s see what today does…
5.38 I just posted this morning’s comment to April. It was fine until I realised… MAY! FUK! A NEW MONTH! MORE MONEY THAT I NEED AND DON’T HAVE! How lovely. How charming. And the protective cloak of Winter is… GONE! May, the beginning of others’ “fun”… the beginning of my battle. – Fukkit. I don’t care. Fukkit. I truly CANNOT care. Fukkit.
6.54 It’s been an hour of nose-blowing. Clots. Pale green-yellow. Right-side sinuses. Clots. Relatively dry clots of pale green-yellow. Infection. But it explains the “tooth-ache”, last tooth, upper right. Now, to clear the lungs. Infection. (Infection, making way for CA? Swift… let it be.)
18.57 Tilden by 10. A presentation on the hx of Rockaway.
Note: 1960’s, Urban Renewal, demolition (Gaston), never rebuilt. MAJOR hotels, businesses, beautiful homes, beautiful streets, people coming by the thousands. Steamboat travel from The City. Rail travel from end to end… Nothing… Newburgh.
I’m fed up.
At Tilden today? Michael and his younger Casey. Casey’s cute w/BROAD smile (not cute) and tags about Michael like some obligated pound-puppy. Then the nut-broad from Derech Emunah tried to hook Michael and I tog! I tidied the back yard T6… kept scarce!
Jacquie (JCCRP) was there! She knows Michael (go figure). I couldn’t figure where I knew her from, being out of the context. But wr talked. Told her about Bedlam. She says I’ve a “Defamation of Character” suit! MORE COURT!
Got NO sketching in. – Would have been OK beach day. The coming week… rain. Duh. – When I got to Bedlam, D&C were JUST getting out of the car… in front! I walked by, pre-occupied. If anything was said/done, I didn’t hear/see. – In. NAP! Dead tired. – 18.00 2 fried egg sandwiches. I have to get cigs., market. Want to go to bed. Right after errands…
20.56 And a ginger tezainne. Rumble-riot (up-stairs) commenced at 20.53. – Cigs,soap,linen candles. RiteAid. – Now, heater on (chilly out there)(white noise). When tea is done so am I. (The anxieties will follow.)

2.May:
2.39 From 1.11 through now, the CD in Nr.5 has been skipping. – I turned on the light/radio to hear BBC report that Osama bin Laden is allegedly dead, allegedly killed by US troops. Terrorism lives on here, in Bedlam. – I fell asleep thinking: inflateable raft, sleeping bag, Atropa martini, my multi-meds & out into the Atlantic. One evening, very soon… VERY soon now.
8.07 THREE O’CLOCK THIS MORNING IS WHEN THE CD IN Nr.5 STOPPED! I left light/radio on to fall back to sleep. Woke at 7.55! I just don’t know what to do about this. But I believe I’ll take a room at the hotel in Jamaica, the night before court. – My sinuses are PACKED this morning too. – Plans for today: Tilden w/Penelope, PenLib, food shopping, bal.cq.bk., new MetroCard. Ring PIC. – 8.15 Upstairs moving furniture back & forth. Yes. It MUST be INTENTIONAL. Can’t just be necessary. – Chest congestion this morning as well. Horrible. – TIRED! VERY TIRED. – The day has begun.
KADIMA
18.27 It’s difficult to breathe. No lung capacity. It’s difficult to walk, to sit, stand. No energy. (Low O2 no doubt.) It’s difficult to think, concentrate. Low O2, high anxiety, deep depression. – Beet borscht & cheese tortelinni on the heat. Dinner. Schav for tomorrow. – Tilden by 10.00. Gloriously empty day with Penelope. I began “sinat chinam” sketch. She made progress in sculpture. Hector & Tony H. the only 2 visitors. We left at 16.00.I went to PenLib. Immed. PCx1hr. Another page of 8539266. – WALKED to Playland Stn. MetroCard. The Pay/Ride cards: 4,53 & 3,50. Local travels. Then WALKED to KeyFood. Soups, fruits, bread(rolls), juice, peanut-butter, cream cheese, vanilla puddings, HERRING (not much in a jar FULL of liquid). I have no appetite. I eat because. – WALKED back to Bedlam. Here I am. – XANAX TONIGHT!
PS: Osama bin Laden allegedly dead. Shot in the head in Pakistan. “Burial at sea”. Right. OK. The global media insist.
19.10 Note: a whole Xanax taken at 19.09(7:09pm). May it knock me out for the entire night (or shove me out for eternity). – The rectalretard upstairs is moving its furnishings. I “showed” Penelope, with chair, how it sounds. She agrees: intentional. Says “Nobody moves the same furniture EVERY night like that!” Too bad she’s not so appreciative of my companionship to come to court. When I said I’m considering hotel before court… no alternative offer. This is why I’ve no “friends”. – If all goes well, by 19.30 I should be “OK”, by 20.00 I should be under-covers and pfftt. – Ah, I believe Copley’s re-entering her cave. Soon she’ll be playing in the toilets and scratching on the wall (taptap at present). – Transcribing 8539266 is good at this time. Reviewing the “good” and the “bad”. I gwt to “think” about going back. WOW! Was I SCREWED! No housing assistance in 11 months! No medicaid. Things I SHOULD have gotten. SO typical. So SO typical. – Reclining is the only tolerable position. Not for congestion. But it takes neither effort nor energy. Pneumonia? CA next! – 19.24 Just feeling fatigued. Spics in the back-yard, yakking. Dregs. Truly. Parasites… like the ones that invade the bowels… because they thrive in shit… from whence they come.

3.May:
1.44 Woke at 0.48. Didn’t fall back to sleep. At 1.00 THE CD! “1ce 2ce 3x a lady…”. I got up. Balanced cq. book. Listened to NPR: PTSD. They should know. – Oddly, I’m rather rested. Didn’t actually “sleep”. The Xanax didn’t “work”. I guess it won’t any longer… too much anxiety. And I was still awake at 21.30 when the light/radio went off. So, I’m on 3hrs. “rest” at present. – REALLY brought up a “clump” of mucous from the lungs this morning! Not dry. Not dark. But certainly not pretty. A lot of nose-blowing. The stuff goes from nose to lungs to nose to lungs. Very symptomatic of CA. (I’m hoping.) – Will “nap” again in a bit. Then off to The Fort. I’m just fed up. Really. – (PTSD. They should only know.)
7.58 The CD skipped until 3 at which time I went back to bed. Oddly, I wasn’t all too tirwd. But 5 more hours & here I am… fatigued. – DREAM: We were acquaintences. He was fem. but fun. We headed for the loo. Next thing, he’s laying in a bench, naked. 2 guys go over, start giving him a hand-job. “Keep it coming gentlemen.” he says. I was angry. He was FAT. There was white “stuff” all over! Lotion. I was peeing in the sink. He held my dick. Impressed, and walked away. Next thing, I’m in an office. D.Friend is grilling me about the work I’m doing. (I was doing IV therapy on my private pt. Ramdai walked past. I asked: “Am I fired yet?” “Noooo.” “I’m workin’ on it.” “THEY’RE workin’ on it.” she replied. David got in the phone. Pulled some files. Showed me 3. One was for a Brian Finian. I was upset (from T6!)
OK. Now to prep for a day at The Fort. I have to squeeze some library time into this day. They close at 18.00. – M&E tomorrow. Tomorrow… like I’m guaranteed one of those.
21.26 I too 2 “sleeper” at 20.30 as dinner was heating (schav/fruit dessert). Drowsy. – 3hrs w/Penelope. Bus to Bedlam to drop art supplies. Bus to PenLib, 14-15.00. Temp ags. list (on Flash drive, no printer). More 8539266BlackBook on-line. – 53-A-L-6. SIBL by 16.40! More BlackBook. 60-some pages left and done. – Sent several msgs. to Schmulik. I’d brought him the “Eyfo Atah” shirt. I left The City at 18.30. He rang, voice mail, he was at work. I got the msg. on the 53 to The Rock. – Cigs and sleepers at RiteAid. – Southern wind tonight. Chilly. – HOPING the sleepers do the job tonight. And will think about tomorrow in the morning. – Drowsy now. Time to nap. Hopefully to sleep completely through the night. Sleep deprivation is killing me. – The City was usual, a little quiet. Osama bin Laden is not dead. Either that or the economy has so many worried that nobody cares. – 21.39 Must snooze.

4.May:
8.25 Good news: the sleepers worked. Bad news: GROGGY. – I wonder: is the tooth pain b due to sinus or is sinus pain due to tooth? – The dyphenhydramine dried the sinuses too. But that usuqlly leads to dry-clots in the lungs. – Woke briefly at 1.00 this morning but the sleeper knicjed me out. – Rain now. Rain through the day. I have to get to the RockPark PO this morning. I wanted to get to storage. STORAGE! I have to adjust the cq.ac.! – OK. So much for first thoughts of the day. – PenLib this morning too. BlackBook notes. – Coffee first. – You know? I truly HATE that I woke this morning.
16.04 !THE END!
I left the house, in the rain, went to the 94PO for the new key. THEY GAVE THE KEY TO SOMEBODY ELSE! Moldanado (presumably the PM) tells me “There’s no mail for you.” Of course not! The person who got MY key would have it! So, with-out asking for ID, Moldanado hands me 2 new keys and says today he’s changing the lock on the box. What can I do? Nothing. It’s done.
DEPRESSED. I rang Penelope. SHE got me MORE depressed! I left-off with her telling her I’ve got my pills’n’poison ready, I’ll be spending my time getting my affairs in order. The time has come to die.
PenLib. Immediate PC time. Another page of 8539266 transcribed. So too, a page of “fare thee well”. But I’ve resolved to get 8539266 on-line, then GET OUT IF THIS EXISTENCE. E-NUFF!
M&E by 13.46. Coffee. Schmooze. Off and away. Parking right round the corner and across fm a deli. Hungry. No cash on hand.
Rang PIC to tell Ramdai the latest events. SHE’S “ON VACATION”. NO TELLING WHEN SHE’S RETURNING. CALL BACK MONDAY!
Next?
39mins on the meter. TICKET! INSPECTION EXPIRED END OF APRIL! 65$! No fighting this one. (16.15 The same “MeterMaid”, Mr. T. Crichlow, just returned and started to give another ticket for the same thing! Saw me in the car. Waved. Moved on. WTF?) Well? Nothing I can do.
16.20 Crichlow’s across the street ticketing another car. Foreign imp! (Black man w/Island-type accent.) Cutsie White woman arguing w/MeterMaid. Life…
“Life”… I’m OFFICIALLY CHECKED OUT! No more “nice, kind, fair”. FUKKEM BOIZ! I DON’T CARE WHAT CREATION DOES OR WHAT ANYBODY ELSE MAY THINK. BIH-BYE AND MAY YOU ALL ROT.
23.49 4May Q53 HoBe. BIG HUGE MISTAKE telling Moe how much I’m fed-up with existence! NO MORE TELLING! When the BlackBook is done… I’m GONE! (If not before.) – He got rather terse with me as we grocery shopped. I let him have it. Told him I did nothing to deserve it, wasn’t taking it. I didn’t let him respond. Went back to helping Ev finish shopping. Let her scan at SelfCheck. She did well! – Stayed for dinner: tomato soup, turkey/cheese sand. Berries-banannas/sour cream. Coffee. – Supposed to go back tomorrow. Car inspection. – My driving license expires this year. (Me too.) – BC 23.58. HATEHATEHATE going to THAT house. CD on in an hour. – Time to leave behind ALL the HELL that’s been inflicted. – Yes. Something’s VERY wrong inside me. Chest/LungsPainful. SOB. And yellow coming from right sinus. Time… – Chilly breeze on The Rock.

5.May:
0.28 Settled-in. Copley tapping on the wall. And soon, the CD: Once, twice, three times a lady. – I thought if I could get through March… I was so wrong. – Chilly in here. Quite the breeze. N.W. – The Pres. is due in The City today (Thurs.). PenLib to 20.00. SIBL to 18.00. I MUST get them in somehow. Schmulik is going to the theatre. I’ll be on my own. That is how it must be. – Time to withdraw from the world. Time to let go of it all. Time to gather “things” together. Time to clear THIS place out. Time to get ready to leave. THIS Time to leave and NOT return. Right now it would be so easy, so nice, to lie down with the Atropa and pills. But being found dead in here, in this hole… Denise & Noah would have much explaining to do. But these Journals are un-known. Must note them, link them all, give the info to some people. I’ll not just leave and let “them” continue in peace. THEY do NOT deserve that. Some will think me psychotic. But some will understand and know the truth: I’ve not been a horrid person. I’ve been empathetic and compassionate. – One sleeper taken. Only ine. I hope it helps… for the vwry few hours I’ll have for “sleep”. – From reviewing the BlackBook I see that the shelter isn’t an option. There is no “option”. – Right teeth ache. Thick, yellow spews from the right sinus. Something is wrong. Getting tolthe bus tonight was difficult, slow, painful. Wrong. Let the cancer take another one. But if my Mum won’t come to take me, I’ll go on my own. – 15mins to “SongTime”. I wonder if I’ll go to sleep anyway. – I’m leaving the light/radio on tonight. Heater as well. Noise to cover noise… for one who so loves silence… silence… silence… only in Death. Only.in.Death.
1.13 HEY! NO CD! I’ll bet they’re reading the RBB. How about that? Ah… the Internet. – I’m going to try a nap now… radio/light/heater on though.
8.38 Even one sleeper makes for a groggy morning. Although I should consider having taken it at 1.00 and having gone to sleep at almost 2. I want to sleep longer. Can’t. Must be OK to take Moe to the inspection stn. this morning. Have to get to typing at some point during the day. – Sinuses are still stuffed with crap. Teeth still painful. But libido stirring. It’s been almost 2 weeks. – It’s also the 5th. Officially 2k behind in rent! And no view of a way to get it. But Atropa on the horizon. I’m fed up. It truly is time to go. Only “hope” is court on Monday and a good judge. – PenLib opens at 13.00 today. Hopefully the inspection will be done on time. – The City isn’t a good place to be today. If there’s trouble, I’d like to be centre, not periphery. – Let the day begin…
10.35 Q53 fm B108. Two NYPD cars, 4 cops in front of thr house when I left. I can’t help but wonder: to throw me out? arrest me for something? the note fm D accusing me of “fantasies” about her son? How can I not wonder? – Sunny morn. Breezy. Wonderful. And I’m so fed-up with Creation… – Got the 53 at B108. IT begins…
10.49 HoBe I WATCHED AIR FORCE 1 LAND! Crosding South Channel Bt OMG! And police are on HamBe, CrossBay. But all else is boringly “normal”.
20.18 2 sandwiches of 2 chicken patties each. 2 glasses of apple juice. Dinner. – 5 hours of Moe’s car inspection (and a 300$ brake-job). We went for “lunch” (pancakes & coffee) then to the N.ForestLib. I got 30mins & another page transcribed. Then HIS 30mins helping (watching) him “navigate” the Net. By the time we’d finished, the car was done. (The brakes are WONDERFUL!) – 7,5hrs for yesterday. But I have to check the bal. Something doesn’t add-up right. I deposited today’s cheque… – A bottle of vodka for me… ME! FUK! – Waldbaums: LARGE apple juice, pomegranate, patties, peaches, heavy cream. 22$. Not bad. – Sinuses are a MESS! Tooth-ache too. Sinuses? (I hope the tooth is due to sinuses rather than reverse.) – Delightful weather. And I’m not worrying about the hour tonight. Tomorrow I’m planning the “Lib.Circuit” for typing. – This week-end will be court prep. Tonight we let tomorrow worry about itself. – 20.31 Copley’s ticking at the wall. Her name will be brought into Monday’s proceedings. – I need to rest a while. My O2 sat must be down. Lung cap/funct is noticeably down. Congestion goes from lung-to-nose & nose-to-lung again. Yellow stuff. CA? PLEASE?
22.56 2 drinks. Barely touching me. The bitch in 5 (Copley) just turning her key. It WAS a quiet evening. Oddly, it got quiwt when I put the plastic over the window. – Twitter went quiet. – Libdo [sic] was here… and gone. Heater on. Warm in here. Depression. I have to work through this. I’m not depressed. I’m ready to check out. – Nick in logger. Glorious. – Time for sleep. (Sleep?) And late alarm tomorrow. – “I DON’T CARE” NIGHT! – Getting TENS tomorrow. FTW… LITERALLY IF I CAN! Check-out Time.

6.May:
8.28 I said, last night, I didn’t care about this morning. I didn’t. I don’t. It’s Friday. 3 more days. Days that pass quickly. Either much to do over the week-end, or nothing to do, in preparation for Monday.
What makes it difficult: Having grown up with caring, sensitive, compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic, respectful, respectable, honest, sincere people. Being taught to treat others as you hope they will treat you. But that generation is passed… past… gone. Today, there is no consideration for “other”, no respect, no courtesy. I’ve 3 days to change my “essence”… or be plunged into the negative results. Once again, I’ll be the trodden fool, suffering the consequences. But not this time. Death waits at the door.
Much to do. Much I want to do. Much I have to do. Much… I’m tired. Just tired. It’s been a lot of years, more than half a century. I’m tired. My hope today, this morning, every morning? That MY “oncogenes” have been activated and are, even now, engaged in what they do so well… and that they’ll do so… rapidly.
Sinuses seem to be clearing but the tooth pain remains. Lungs seem to hold remnants, clots that won’t let go. Otherwise? Not bad. Not bad at all. That pain in the right side lingers. I still don’t know what it is. I still don’t care. I still hope it’s just one part of general destruction… an end… demise.
I am not depressed. No “life” is infinite. And I welcome the relief that comes with the termination of mine.
(17.15)
In this room was new hope and happiness.
In this room was new life, new prospect.
In this room was peace of mind and body.
In this room I smiled… and slept.
In this room came lies, deceit.
In this room came anger, hate.
In this room came disrespect.
From this room I must now flee
19.36 Q53 HoBe to The Rock. An hour in PenLib. An hour 15 at SIBL. The pages of 8539266 are moving right akong. – This evening, on the C, I gave Schmulik “his” shirt. I have the memories. (Tomorrow is his/Chris anniversary.) – I put a small bag into storage, brought TENS &c. with for tonight. – Tomorrow? I just don’t care… I CAN’T care. I just… cannot. I’m no longer able. – So. Channel. Here we go…

7.May:
16.47 I said that I didn’t care about today… and I didn’t. – Last night was a bit of a bust, a bit of a disappointment. “Dinner” was a(1) chicken patties sandwich (3 patties) & “pretzel party mix”. The drinking began with v-pom(1) & 2 v-apple. I washed the “top” stuff, t/polo shirts & socks. That didn’t get done til after 21.00. It was a later night. But I’d gone to storage for the TENS & was determined. So, later than should have been, & not truly in the mind to do so, I tried. Exhausted, it ended in hand, with results. – Peaches & cream, swiss roll & pudding. – I left the radio on, turned the light off, crashed into sleep… unfulfilled. My brain is too full of current concerns, annoyances, hate, anger, angst, bitterness.
This morning, woke well after the 6.30 alarm… about 10. Dry. 2 apple juice, vit.C, back to lie down. Not sure when I finally woke, but diahrea got me up & out of bed. 2 bouts. Then coffee. I began packing the “things” to be returned to storage but got annoyed over last night. So, troded-up, determined. The results today were much better & as copious as last night. TWO WEEKS! AT LAST! – Then, to “business”: notes for Monday. I’ve notes all over, in books, on pads. I gathered them, sorted them, compiled. Then got snoozy at about 15.00. Decided to nap. Woke from that at about 16.45. – I didn’t care about today. I still don’t. Just moving along. – It would have been a good day for the beach. – I noticed that my back is COVERED with brown spots, freckles, ugly. Yes, I need another reason to feel “ugly”. – A nasty CLOT, greenish, almost solid, came out of my right sinus this morning. The tooth is still painful. Chest is still some-what congested. Alergies or more serious? Angh. Who cares? (Let it be the in-set of the check-out.) – Now, “dinner”, more prep notes for Monday. – Note? It was nicely quiet all day. At 16.15 up-stairs began: crash-rumble-clomp. Now, 17.13, Copley’s taking turn: crunch-tick-rumble.
Today, a thought: I’ve spent my life “escaping”, “running” & seldom battling. WRONG!
23.22 Haven’t left all day. Napped once. Soup/tortelinni, dinner. One v-apple. Swiss rolls/pudding, dessert. – 23.24 Copley’s at the wall. – Not showered. Accomplished precious little. Prepped a bit for Monday. Must keep in mind: Monday is ME/Petitioner. Win/Lose. Fine/Award. Period. MY BATTLE! – Tired but not. Need an early start in the morning. – Mothers’ Day… Like another yartzeit. – I fear another night with radio on. Must note so for Monday. – Tickle in throat. But chest clearer. I’ll look forward to CA. Or perhaps an Atropa martini… the week-end coming. I look forward to that all the more.

8.May:
7.10 TIRED! I SO want to just go back (back?) to SLEEP! Last night, left the radio on… just in case. I don’t really know why. – This is all… anxiety. – It’s Mothers’ Day.
9.09 Who, I wonder, accesses this, and why? I noticed, the week past, that if I log on remotely, I’m bumped from phone. And this morning, I had to log-in. – That said; fingers, toes & beard are done. And the day is 3 hours off schedule… Schedule. As if I have one. Only item requiring any serious attention is Death. And that has become the rhythm of heart and soul of late. Where is the protection of my Mother? Why does she not come to take me from this? – I will nap before getting under weigh (or is that “way”… or “whey”? Who TF cares?). Must get things back into storage. MUST get papers from. Wondering if I might get to lie on a beach today. Wishing the congestion would stop going from sinus to lung to sinus to lung. – In pain, again, this morning. Perhaps it would be easier to document the painless days. They’re considerably fewer.
13.21 Q53 to storage. – OMFG PAIN! PAIN! P.A.I.N.! Kidney? Liver? Down the leg. PAIN! BLOODY PAIN! Annd not a soul knows. – Trash & recycs out. – A perfect beach day… gone. Too late for beach. Too late for Tilden. Storqge: put up & pick up. Fukd agqin. – IF I make it through May…
I WILL NOT MAKE IT THROUGH JUNE!!!
17.55 Q53 to Bedlam. Court papers in tow. Took 20 fm acct. 15 for a doz white roses for Ev. She cried. Moe seems a bit distant of late. My confession? Probable. I stayed for coffee, sdhmooz. (Moe tells of Dorothy Parker’s multiple suicide attempts. Hmm…) – Beth was due in 20mins. I bolted. They’re going out to dinner.
DANKE MAMA! As I approached M&E’s I wanted to surprise. But how, with intercom? JOHN opened the door for me! (OK. I can wonder… leaving nothing to chance.)
Now? PAIN! And the qnxieties of what’s luurking in wait at Bedlam. No doubt, not good. And PAIN! – Clouding. I brought 1 flip-flops/beach sheet. WTF? Why not?

20.08 Well… “Normal” returns r/t Monday. 56yrs will not change.

9.May:
5.53 PAIN! this morning. ,75 sleep all night. Woke once: 0.24. Dry, lying on L.side.
DREAM: At Oma’s. Taking care of “A.Gtno”. Difficult. He had sudden attack of diahrea/flat? Sat under dining table. I went looking for something to drink. Nothing in pantry. In fridge, large oarfait glass full of choc. poweder with plastic cutlery in it. Stuck in fridge. I tried to remove it, powder spilled in fridge. Tried to mix in some milk. “People” returned to house. Nothing to drink. I woke… Ret. to sleep almost immed.
Now (6.03), tired. Lorraine quite busy during the night. – c.0.30 glass door opened, someone used toilet, left. – Tired. – PAIN!
21.34 Court went through to the 14.00 session & the judge adjourned to 15 June. I stood alone. The accusations were abominable. No one sees that I’m honest, sincere, non-confrontational. And no one is honest. Not even in a court of law. I heard today that Copley’s “afraid” of me. Simple, stupid bitch. (Not to offend female dogs.) Moronic idiot! And the “fantasy” note on the door was allegedly orovoked by a post to the RBB blog? I spent an hour searching it. Nothing. It’s pure, unprovoked attack. They’ve got nothing better. – Upstairs still rumbles. I believe it’s a short Black man. Culture… none. They don’t know how to live out of the jungles. (Fuck anybody who takes offence.) – Depression has moved through to Bitterness. I’ve been abused & taken advantage of (again). – The Shelter looms earily on the horizon. The new case is 15 June but the next case is Friday. – Moe second-thoughts Memorial Day wk-end. Because he’s a)afraid I’ll want to stay or b)I’ll do me in on that puny hill they call a “mountain”? I deserve the open peace of the open ocean. I’m looking most forward to that now. June… I like the month. The chair, the “martini”, the tide… the “no more bullshit”. – Time to get things all together (aka storage). I’m out of here, away. – Tomorrow’s the 10th. More FS? I wonder. I doubt it. – I’m BITTER. That’s all. Leave me alone & I’m good. Shit! Even P. sees that. But no. “They” can’t. It’s always been like that: they sense my life’s so good, they resent & go for me. – My travel atlsea is at hand. There is NO “other way” to Peace. I hope Mamale will be OK with my decision. She too… knows.

10.May:
5.29 3 days. Unjust. To suffer through a year to come to this.
5.39 Post loo. Green again. Death comes slowly when left to its own. – To honestly try, to strive against odds, to dodge confrontation, to be fair, to maintain peace, to come to this… It makes no sense. None of it. No sense at all. Many others, particularly now, in these days, Japan, the South, are similarly confronted. Else-where there are parents, children, pets and foreclosures. Honest, hard-working people, husbands, fathers, wives and mothers… “The less you want to do, the more the system has to offer…” That’s what she told me. I raised “his”(WY) children, emotionally supportef “his” wife. “He” robbed me of my child-hood, then discarded me. “They”(J.C.J.) got all “they” needed to start. Then “they” discarded too. I never got the chance, the support. Tossed. “They” got the cars, the college. I got “the past”, “the reputation” and the frustration, the exhaustion. And this morning, I’m doing the packing, with mind and gut reeling. – To go to battle? To throw all up & away? To return to the 11-month darkness of 8539266? Tempt Fate… again? Death is peace. But will it be so? – This day begins, with so much to be done. And done… ALONE! ALONE! ALONE! AGAIN! And AGAIN! And AGAIN! 100 on 1. 1000 on 1. 1 million on 1. Is there a point to continued battle? I don’t see one. The battle makes neither sense nor difference. “ONE” does not, in the end, at the end, make any difference… at all. No difference… at all. – “All” comes to one word… “Useless”. The battle and the fighter… useless. – I will not leave anything behind here. No. Not this time. I will not simply walk away. No. Not this time. Not again. It all becomes worthless. I become worthless. But… but what? What, really? What? Useless. Nothing. – Time to “go”. Time to “GO”. – Friday: showers possible. Out… into the rain. See? Again.
20.15 Q53 BC to Rock. “Numb”. That point has come. Too much to think about. Too much too much. Paces. Going through paces. Almost all is now in storage. Books are gone. Tea kettle. Next: Art, shoes… – I’ve worked a “stip” but want to present in front of a judge. No more trust. Betrayed. Enough. – So. Channel. Evenings here are goung away… again. Me too. – Went to Tilden. Noon. Alone. Sat. 30mins. Ocean taking beach. Pwrfect. It can take me too. Got a little colour. – Schmulik gave me needle, thread to fix my boot. My toes hurt fm sneakers. – He/Chris took a cab. Me: trains. – B102
21.54 Franks, mashed potatoes. Dinner. On a blue plastic plate. I bought a pkg. when I moved into this Hell. – Art is packed for tomorrow’s run. The mirrors (being large) remain. The walls are bare. I got a “trot cramp”. – Drinking from the ugly big blue plastic cup I’d bought when I moved into this hell. I’ll dispose of ugly blue plastic. – It’s “minimal” now. And now is when the “where” question comes ROARING in. I keep thinking it. I keep asking. I get no answer. – IF M&E decide CT on Mem. wk-end, there’ll be no where to “return” to. (21.59 bump crash up-stairs) Castle Bellevue I think. – As I came in, Devlin was leaving. I held the door. He thanked me SO politely. It was refreshing. A kind Gentleman… so NOT deserving to reside in this trash heap. – Phil passed in the hall. NOT SPEAKING to me now. I’ve done NOTHING to/against him. Fine. Shallow little follower. I’m certain he’s in D’s debt. So much for “balls”. I’ve only been considerate toward him. Well, again: kindness returned by shit. – Must make EARLY run tomorrow. Maybe even more than 1. Get as much as possible out of here. Leave NOTHING behind… not even fkoor coverings. I GOT nothing… I leave nothing. – Bitter. Numb with bitterness. It’ll all be gone… soon. (22.06 rumble thump clomp up-stairs.) – No rugs in the loos. Copley will be playing in the toilets tonight… scratching on the wall. Noah says she’s afraid of me. She’s too retarded & psychotic for that. REALLY! And clinically.

11.May:
6.30 Radio on all night. Light off. “Tap… taptaptap…” on the wall as I went to sleep. – Woke just past 6. Had forgotten to turn the ringer on. But the vibration must have awakened me. – Sick. To the core. To the bone. Marrow. The runs are coming on.
6.44 Cramps. It’s mostly the “control factor”. The trips to storage. What to keep at hand. What to get out… now. But the fact is: There’s not much left to go. Not much at all. Not much… at all. If I KNEW, if M. would decide on the trip… I could work with that. Well… around it. Too many variables. 2 days of “variables”. And looking at another “HA” number is THE issue here. I don’t know that I’ll handle that. I just don’t know.
*OK. With 2 weeks: I CAN work. Not much income but better than NO income. That wouldn’t come in until 3 June. I’d be back by then. It would be a Friday. I’d be looking at a wk-end “out”. But a wk-end is better than 2 weeks.
*I have a place to put everything. And it’s not in somebody’s house. Storage is “affordable”.
*The nights and showers are the only things that require concern.
*I’ll have access to necessities (clothing) and a place to keep them.
*Today, I’ve the day to remove all that needs to go, the car-fare to do so. Time. I have the time. (I just need the energy, the health, the weather.)
*Weather: There’ll be no freezing, no snow. The nights get chilly. But THIS time I have jackets, blankets, sleeping bag.
*I left with NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING before. I HAVE now.
*I KNOW WHAT CAN BE EXPECTED, THERFORE, I KNOW WHAT MUST BE DONE. IT’S NOT “UNKNOWN”.
*There’s time to PREPARE.
Now, if only I could stop my cells from vibrating… An e-mail to P.W. (and to break the congestion in the chest).
How I think of the people I know: Always willing to be kind, supportive, delightful… as long as all goes well. Those who have EMPTY ROOMS in their homes, those who have an EMPTY HOUSE! Always a delight… so long as all is well with me. Who? P., M&E, and Maria (who suddenly “needed” my help). But when I “need”, once again… NOBODY. I think of M.: “How terrible that you had nobody to turn to; no friends, no family…” Well, it’s back to the same thing. It’s always been… the same thing.
Things ARE under control… for the moment. For the moment. Better than absolute chaos now…
11.19 No matter how early I begin, days slip by too soon! But I must say, the “packing” is complete. The only items left are “essentials” and large. If I had a motor vehicle, everything could be accomplished in mere hours. HOWever… – It’s annoying that this all takes SO much time, just to prepare! – Well, coffee, shower, dress, out. – E-mail to P.W. drafted. To be sent immed. after this trip. “The hour” draws nearer. I’m nauseated. This disgusts me so. And I still say it’s because of the bitch. All she had to do is exercise her bloody responsibility in the first nloody place. Lazy, slovenly, irresponsible, ignorant, hopeless, disrespectful bitch. “Typical”. I’ve learned: Trust NO one! – Time to move… KADIMA!
19.53 TWO trips to the post! PenLib! “RmWnt” posted (CL)! Bare walls (save 1 mirror)! Down, down, down. All I did was: Trip to the post, lib en route back, Bedlam, nap x1hr, munched 2 chicken patties (NOT a good idea), back out to the post, back to Bedlam. – 1st trip: Tommy! at B105. Asked where I’ll go. I told him: I don’t know yet. (HOW TRUE!) – On the 2nd trip out (17.00), was “watched”, by Mr. Phil & co. from the porch, as I waited for the 22bus. (In the e-mail to P.W., I included a request that I not be intercepted as I remove fm. the premises. Hmpf.) – No sooner got to the bus stop after 2nd run when… CRAMPS! Reminders of mornings standing at Liberty & having to BOLT to DunkinDonuts before shitting m’drawers. Ah… the memories. But, made it back “with-out incident” (Jeannine). – A pudding. Glass of water. Washed a dresser skirt. Hanging to dry to leave tomorrow. – Plan? At least 1 run to the post early morning. Hoping for 2. As I think, I could toss a trip in on Friday morning as well. Considering. – Will try for EARLY sleep tonight. Madame Copley’s “crunching” on the wall (20.06) as Up-stairs shit “bumps”. No matter what, it IS time to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! TRASH SURROUNDS! – Oh, new, white shower curtains. How lovely. No rugs though. And before I left for trip 2, Ms. Lorraine was playing in the toilet. I had to use the loo so she closed herself in the one she was playing in. So funny. Really! Closing herself in the loo. (Denise probably convinced her that I’m dangerous. This is great material for a novella!) – Meanwhile, BIG bumps from Up-stairs. It’s knocking the ceiling fan off balance. But that is the kind of destructive shit that’s “desired” in here. Let them all infest each-other… with-out me. – FS posted. I wish I could turn them into cash. – Meanwhile, post runs in the morning. Work (M&E) in the afternoon. Thursday is taken. Friday? It is to be what it will be (and I am pondering possibilities and potentials… alone, of course. FTW!
21.08 I will NEVER even consider that the stomping up-stairs is UNintentional. – I’ve come to the point where I’d prefer bed bugs to these neighbours. – Am also thinking: Living better before “checking-out” is what I’ve suffered for. I should leave a nice, tidy place behind, not a stuffy locker. My life was about peaceful, civilised, compassionate, empathetic, tidy; not a stuffy locker. I’m thinking. (Perhaps this change in environment is the “kick in the head” to get me OUT BEFORE the disastre hits. Mum?)

12.May:
5.42 Possibly the last day of… what? System shut-down this morning. Over-load, assisted by research into Jewish homelessness: MetCouncil. – It’s so easy for the domiciled to toss. So easy from a “bench”, one side and the other. So this is what humanity has come to. I tolerate, in silence, for over a year, subjected to the onslought, lies, disregard, disrespect… and here is where I am today: disrupted and fallen into deep, dark depression. It was my dream to come here. It was my joy. One scum-bitch has turned it into useless shit. – Not enough sleep last night. Woke “heavy” this morning. And, quite oddly, last night went unusually quiet, next door & up-stairs. Unusually quiet. I wonder… The way it should have been all along. Last night… the last night. – My right ear feels sticky. As if something oozed into it as I slept. – I’m just waiting for my bowels to move. Then shower & R.U.N.! – RAIN! ALL the comung week. RAIN? RAIN! Well why not? Really. Why not? – When-ever somebody came to me for shelter, I gave it. Got cleaned out of food. Got robbed by bounced cheque. Lost the phone & got roaches. When I am in need, there’s nobody. 1 with a 4-storey, 1 with 2 rooms, and probably many more with rooms, space. And, again, the best that can be expected is: Oo. I’m so sorry. You’ll be OK. – HEY Pen! Thanks so much… for extending your hand. I cared when you were in turmoil. And my thanks: You have to get out of there… to? – Well. Here we go again. – Hope lies in the CT trip… THIS minth. Not a “solution” but a help. But I don’t see that happening. I still can’t understand: I don’t want to go then, it’s going to be so busy. BUSY? Parades through the living-room? Parties to throw/attend? I don’t understand. It would give me a week… to prep, to purge… to sleep, clear my mind. – 6 hours to accomplish. Yesterday my body WANTED to flush. This morning? Stuffed. Of course, I didn’t eat yesterday. The body is going into “Higher Stress” mode… already. – And nights are still chilled.
8.12 I couldn’t. Just couldn’t. Fatigue. Gross fatigue. Got bed stands washed & boxed. But HAD, HAD to nap. Tried for 30mins. It was 60. But unrestful. So little remains. A car would make quick work of it. I’m thinking of trying a trip as M. is at MD. Usually I get 2hrs. with nothing to do. Today I could use that time: drop-off, come to R.P., grab, post, return. But can it be done? Will I get the time? OR could I borrow the car for an hour? I can ask… I shall. The “50-50” theory. He can say “No”. I’ll just cut out anything they need to do.

13.May:
6.38 Fri.13: (*Thursday 12… THAT went by FAST and furious! A morning trip to the post. M. by 11.30.& away. By noon, on the road to MD. HOT weather. Made good time into The City and then… back to Rockaway… in TRAFFIC and red traffic lights. I bolted. Got to Bedlam, parked 112, grabbed the marble urn & box of rock jars, headed to the post. As I got to Liberty, the call! They were “ready”! I’d had that feeling. – In at the post. Up. The ladder right where I’d left it this morn. Objects in. Down. Out. On the road. TRAFFIC! Red lights! L.I.E. ZOOM! Bridge. Pick-up 15.30 or so. No prob. – Back to Queens. Nick’s (Ascan/Austin) for salad, pizza, canoli. FOOD! I haven’t been eating. This was most welcome. – A stop en route. I checked e-mail. P.W.: “16k & be ready to move out.” As if I actually WANT to stay here in this scum-bucket! FTS! The idea makes me sick. – Back to M&E. They wanted me to linger. I was tired. – CT on the 26th. Decided. 2 MD’s meanwhile. Fine. – Left 20.30. Imm. 53. Bedlam. – 21.00 BANG RUMBLE SHIT UPSTAIRS! I wanted SLEEP! 21.30 CRUNCH SCRATCH TICK COPLEY! – ALL NIGHT: 25% sleep… ALL night! – BUT… SO SO SO austere here. Will have the car on the 25th though. ONE TRIP! DONE. FINISHED. OUT! AWAY! (After? It will be what it will be.)
7.07 Not panicing. Not rushing. Figuring a no-show: H&M. Prepped. – Bloody fatigued. This past year has been eating away, like grave-worms. But… it’s NOT, NOT at end. There’s more to come… MUCH, MUCH MORE. I do what I must… for ME, NOW… and to come. Time and distance… as the Israelis, as the Israelites. – Time to commence. – 2 words:
Massada
Kadima
17.55 Well, once again, left ’em scratching their heads. It wasn’t over in an hour (more like 3), but HP Queens is its own world. Perfect example: PW said “I wonder where y the judge is.” I replied “There is no judge, just some little man behind a curtain.”civil”! I finally figured the “way out”. And poor PW! HP is foreign territory. But, we made a good impression on the courts AND parted with “Thank you” on both sides. – Further, I paid 2G, not my money. OK then.
***NOTE: NEITHER H. NOR M. SHOWED!!!!***
(Helene nor Mat)
18.06) Papers back in the post now. A quick check for boots seen earlier, No.Channel(HoBe). Q41/157A. – Food. Bedlam. V-something. SLEEP!
20.28 DONE! Vodko’clock. (tonic/pom not bad, not great, might be better cold) – Put papers back in post. Grabbed a sm. v., the 41 to the boot-bridge & gottem! NOT BAD! A pair! OK for later. – 41 to 157th to 53 to KeyFOOD! BUT… NO SPATULA, no metal cutlery! Thankfully the eggs didn’t stick. One chicken patty… to “cleanse” & egg/cheese sandwich. No dairy. – Spoke with the MOST MARVELOUS Irish “lady” in KF. Prices of food, cost of living, rents in Rockaway… PURE DELIGHT! JUST WONDERFUL! – Took the 22 to Bedlam. Got rid of 4 bags of recycs. And… “dinner”. – 20.36 upstairs clomping. My NPR volume up. FUKKEM TONIGHT! – But WOW! How there’s NOTHING in here now. If there’s rain on the wk-end, I’m going to lock my-self in the post & sort. – Meanwhile? Work my way to a night of SLEEP… that’s what the v is for. NO PLANS for tomorrow… – But no more avoiding noises. Pffft! & FUK U!
(20.46)Just a note: Stuff from the lungs “tastes” as though it has “chemical” or something “sparkly” in it. And the only time I feel like I’m getting air is when I’m standing in a breeze face-on.

14.May:
9.00 1st thought: Yesterday, Ev asked if H&M showed. When I told her they hadn’t she took that disgusted tone saying something about not being able to depend in people. Reminds me of when Moe made the comment about how terrible that I’d no one, friends or family, to go to instead of the shelter. And yet, in a place with 2 extra rooms, one with bed… not even a hint of a suggestion to offer space at this juncture. And I think of Penelope, with a 4-storey house, complete apartment, with separate entrance, who knew I was in the shelter, KNEW I was sleeping under a tree, and never offered a place.
12.00 Interrupted by 2 bouts of “flushing” (watery), the morning has been spent in emp.research. EIGHT (8) DAYS to accomplish 2 ESSENTIALS. 7, knocking out 1 for M&E (which brings income, but hardly enough to break “the line”). Putting matters in listed order. Shoving multiples into tiny time-frames. Daunting. Appears impossible. But you know? It’s been done. Hey! I bucked it back in the shelter (PIC). A 40-hour immed. would make things only a bit better. Impossible to carry in the time avail. right now. But… it’s looking at the shelter/subway at night/week-ends no matter what. Why is finding a corner of floor-space so out of reach? – I think a bedbug was found crawling on the floor this morning! It’s in tape now. I have to make a wash… then pack the bedding (all from DHS… imagine). That, in 10 days. And the days drift. Then comes the 86$ monthly expenses of phone & post. Plus carfare on Tuesday! And the thoughts of these exhaust me. But today is a “nothing” day. Can’t accomplish anything. May as well use the opportunity to rest this weary body. Though there’s no way to rest the mind. Last night’s sleep helped, albeit very little. And I must stop the anxiety when I hear voices in the yard, doors open/closing in the hall. I trust NO one. Shit. I can’t depend on ANY one. And the search for “immediate check-out” continues…
16.39 On the plus side: The cutlery & opener are here (stupid me shopped for plastic thinking it was posted). I’ve decided to return to bookkeeping the coming week, NY &/or CT &/or both! It should be easier to find and MUCH better to work in. And I napped 1,5hrs (& ready for another now). Until 16.00 it was beautifully quiet. Then Copley’s fat lazy arse came into motion, accompanied by the shit up-stairs. Peace has been murdered… yet again. (I’ve visions of much out-door time in CT.) On the not-plus side, 2 grilled cream cheese sandwiches (1 hahdberld egg) came rushing… RUSHING through as brown water moments after eating. 3 trots to the loo today! Yup. Flushing. – 16.46 Bango from Copley and I’m going back under the covers until Prairie Home. Fukkit.

15.May:
9.43 LATE AGAIN! And GREEN-GREEN BM this morning. Stuff passing through lg.intestine too quickly? Well. I wanted to “clean-out”. I guess I am. – Fuknut up-stairs began at about 6, then stopped, now back. – Hair-cut, post, MMLib on the agenda today. A wash of the sweats. Should get the jeans in at some point. I keep “angsting” over no time for anything. But there’s a week ahead. Not 30 days. But more than 30 minutes. – Last night 8539266 went twtr. The Journal will be blown out next. Once that goes, all the Journals will be blown open. I WILL NOT LEAVE ANYONE BLAMELESS. I’ve paid my dues, suffered in silence. But the ether will resound… with my absence. If I fall back into the shelter system, passwords will be released. And if I die there, my voice will be silenced but my words will continue. My little “legacy”. – Last night, 2 drinks for sleep. Food: the 2 sandwiches, egg, matzoh with butter garlic salt, tinned peaches. – I have to get to a PC, browse’n’learn Quickbooks… TODAY! (I don’t know why, but I’m compelled to try avoiding shit. At least for my-self.) – Not a word from Penelope, Helene, Matt. Penelope’s the greatest disappointment. She could phone when SHE needed me. That’s how it goes. Fukkem. – Time to move aling. RAIN ALL WEEK.
12.31 Q53 to The City. Cloudy. No rain. Guts knotted. – As I walked RBB, at the corner B116, 4 guys. The youngest, best dressed of them, standing, bends forward, VOMITS! TWICE! As if it were part of a conversation. Just VOMITS on the sidewalk. Didn’t phase him. Didn’t phase me. But: OH YES INDEED IT IS TIME TO RUN GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF HERE! – Off to learn Quickbooks, add the June pages to here, modify twts., RE-RE-DO CV! All in 45mins. Can’t say I don’t try… fukme… FML.
14.22 MMLib The ideas are brilliant. The follow-through is a MUST. All things are revealed… but NEVER in a timely fashion. APT. CLEANING! 120$/day potential. 2400/mo. 6hrs/day. 15 flats/week. That could be covered in ONE bldg. and (let’s see if…) M&E could get me started. Bookkeeping is still on the front. But the cleaning could bring immed. income. And “yesterday” was too late at this point. – I’m uneasy being here now. It’s all too… well… the all too near future possibility, the all to near past. Just not good. – There’s really no food for dinner tonight. And I shouldn’t drink… because I don’t know … wait… WHY THE FUK NOT? 2 drinks are helping me sleep. And if they’re rotting my insides, so what? And there’s vodka left in the bottle. And SLEEP is now SO SO VERY important. Tomorrow will be running to libraries. No personal contacts. OK then. – Now to the PC. FTW!
17th. I AM SO OUT OF THIS! I’ve given more damned tries snd more damned attempts, more damned time and more damned chances. What have I received? SHIT! That’s what. But NOT again! I AM FINISHED… NOW! *FTW*
22.14 The bloody key-board on 22 stuck! Then I had to argue with the ditz at the desk. Got my 45mins on an “Express” where the mouse was gunmed-up! Got a bit accomplished (phone’s paid for June. BFD.) The “free demo” on Quickbooks was a dump. There’s a video I’ll havw to watch this week. – Stopped at Waldbaums for FOOD incl. yoghurt. RoastBeef sandwiches, crisps & knish for dinner. Yoghurt after. 2 v-tonics (v’s gone. 6 drinks fuk). – Twitted a bit. Cover “memo” written for tomorrow. – There’s undies with the sweats on the rack & the heater’s on. – Tomorrow: haircut! Running commences for 10.00 PenLib. – This evening? Copley’s tickscratch & Upstair’s rumbkethumble. Yes, this court case is the kick I need to GET OUT & AWAY FROM THIS TRASH! – 17th.6 is check-out. – Now? A dessert nosh and to… sleep(?).

16.May:
6.23 A bit bedraggled this morning. I want it to be over. Just over. 7 days to work with & the next 5 are rain. Well, there’s no temptation to take “a day at the beach”. I wonder if that’s not the plan. I’ve noticed: Breathing is relatively OK UNTIL I think about this situation. Then my lungs contract, fill with fluid & the coughing fits begin.
I INTERNALISE. I HAVE TO EXTERNALISE. (I want to sleep. I want to be dead. It’s been documented as being atypical “American” but typical “Canadian”. Oh well.)
It’s the fact that when I walk out of here next week to bring M&E to CT… there’ll be no place to walk back in to when I bring them back. Returning on Tuesday, maybe sleeping in the car (but where?). No where to “be” on Wednesday (hopefully having the car, but where?), taking them on Thursday and then… Open-end… end. Shelter… on Thursday evening. And no shower Wednesday, Thursday. Not even T6 this time. No Penelope. Just the Hell of the shelter. Well… it’s about to become… what? Challenging? Interesting? Peaceful… Death? – Right now, bal. cq.bk. Haircut.

6.52 Yesterday’s wash is still damp. But this morning’s bm is brown… not that strange green. Ah… bm’s. Another concern for the interim days. Humanity… worthless.
7.01 A man was struck & killed on the subway last night. Lucky bastard. *It shoulda been me!*
8.56 Poignant haircut. Detailed. Short. Looks good. Clean. It may be a while until the next. And now? Monday awaits out-side the door… and rain. Travel in rain. – BBC on. Me, out (Belle: me-out. CM: Heartless shit!)
12.11 (left at 11.20something) Q53 to 32. Why not? The cleaning flier is printed. Registred w/an(OTHER) ag. Typed/saved a “cvrltr”. Now on to PIC & SIBL. But this day is passing quickly… because I have only 6 remaining after. – Hungry. Cold. Dampish. Fatigued. And, believe it or not, I’d like a drink. – Did the cq.bk. this morning. I need to dep. the cq. I wanted to hold. Money just disappears! If cleaning pays, I’m sticking with it. (I wonder if M&E will be of any help. I doubt it.)
12.33 Q32. Warmer. But I need a slash. Hmpf.
16.14 Q32 to Qns. Right across from SIBL! Ah, SIBL. Registred with ONE BLOODY AGENCY! It takes THAT LONG! Posted for bkkppr LIC on Craigslist. Nothing more in the hour! SHIT! – Dep’d cq. on Psrk. – Now, MAJOR hungry. AND I WANT A DRINK! AND might just break-down. MIGHT. 80 on a/c but need cigs too. We’ll see. I just need anesthesia… – Spoke with Cheryl at PIC. She was kind, though I’m on the brink of termination. I NEED TO SUE! MOJO. D.O. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO PAY FOR MY LOSSES! The time WILL arrive. Anyway, I’ll HAVE to take at least 1day/wk. Right. – 40/Mad. 16.22. I want to look out the window….
17.30 Q53. 2pks.cigs. 17$v (yes I did), MetroCard (Optimism?). Done. Some bratbitches playing a screaming video. And the damned bus is PACKED!
19.51 Got in at about 19.20! Well. I didn’t want to get in TOO early. – Finished the roast beef. 2 knishes. And yes, I’m having a V9. When I walked into this room, my gut knotted, head pounded, mood dropped. I HATE IT HERE NOW! But… 6 days… to…

17.May:
14.47 Danke Mutti!
15.17 63Rd/QnsBlvd Q60 Bad start this morning. 3 V9s is too much. But I did a bit of on-line employment research, actually made the bed. By noon, into the shower (after 2 BMs…). – 13.00 PenLib. Registred with Adecco (bloody on-line app took the hour! Morons.). – Q53 immed! To M&E’s. Asked Mama for an open door… followed a woman right in! Feigned going to mail box, then POSTED THE HOUSE-CLEANING NOTICE! THANK YOU MAMALE! (Now let’s get busy & make money… world.) – Q23 to QnsBlvd & immed. Q60 into The City (SIBL). – 15.24 at 55th/QnsBlvd. I’m learning SO many ways to pass a day, & so many ways to travel Qns… I’d like to stay in the boro but… The MetroCard says “optimism”. But I can’t get my hopes too high (if at all). – My guts are terrible but BMs aren’t green anymore. It’s the wonder: Where will I go after CT? And how I think: there’s NObody to turn to & money will come “just too late”. But, I’m learning new ways to pass time on busses. Next: where to go at night, to eat, to shit, to shower, to snooze. R.Lewis said she’d think of the exciting possibilities. Travel. Go. Who knows? Maybe this time I’ll SNAP! Buy a one-way to the Cajuns. Die in the Bayou. WTF?
23.53 Got 2 job replies from Craigslist! Applied for 2 jobs with Adecco! Registred with Adecco & Forum! So now it’s Solvate, Adecco, Forum, KForce. I’m getting the hang of it at long last. – Stopped by to see Motek. He actually said it would be nice to see me! It was worth staying until 20.30.
(17 May cont.) 23.59 but it’ll post after mid-nught. – I’ve got folks on the 8539266 Twitter who are so sweet. Homeless. On Twitter! The Homeless are on Twitter! How bloody sad is that? FTW! TRULY! – Motek was actually glad to see me, and I was glad to see him. He gave me a container of Belgian chocolate pudding. We talked about Israel. He keeos saying he’ll go back. I’m thinking about it. I din’t have my teudat any more. But… If the U.N. goes for a Palestinian State… I won’t survive that long. – Knockwurst (2/4) for dinner. The chicken is boiling, at this hour. I’m drowsy but not exhaysted. 2nd drink in the works. – I’ll remove the chicken from the bone, retain the “soup”. I’ve no storage containers. Hmpf. Quick fry the chicken tomorrow night. – Still no idea what to do on the return from CT. I can’t think on it at night. – RAIN! tonight. But it missed me all day. I wonder if my luck will hold come June. No Tilden to hide in. No T6/7 this time. – Off to prep the chicken & HOPE to wake on time in the morning. Always things to get done… & MORE RAIN forecast tomorrow. Jeez.

18.May:
18.May Wednesday: ANOTHER DQY OF RAIN! This is becoming too much! – Ev rang this morning. Appointment for tomorrow cancelled. FUK! I NEED THAT INCOME! FUKFUKFUK! – Went to PenLib. Solvate wanted me to build a profile! Got a reply to Craigslust. Bellerose! A Jew! – Then went to ‘the post’. Packed for next week in CT & “organised” a bit. – Came back to Bedlam to eat, 15min nap. – On to SIBL. Super condensed the CV. I’m deep into getting out of HealthCare. – The Homeless Twitter is really amazing. A Lesbian in Bklyn seems to have “adopted” me. – Then, another evening with Motwk. – I’m really in “Homeless” mode: evil, bitter. FTW and this place. – In at 22.30. Washed shirt, T, socks. I just don’t care. Fuk. – I’d had 2 knishes w/cheese for lunch. So not hungry tonight. – 2 drinks tonight. I’m not tired. – NEED BLOODY FUKKING MONEY! No cleaning calls. – Now? Nap. PenLib at 13.00. – There’s so little left in here. – Walked the beach 108-112 tonight. The ocean’s taking shore. I don’t want to leave here. – 17th June… no more doubts… E.N.D.

19.May:
8.39 5 cigs. left. Last night’s wash not dry. 7 days to go. Slept with radio on, light off. Actually had the audacity to set an alarm for 8.30. And I fear this phone is… – Anyway. PenLib opens at 13.00. And I realised I can toss everything into “The Post” in the car. No rush. – A morning of angst. Another day of rain. – But there’s more work to be done to find work. An evening with Motek.
And the dread that CT will be canceled.
12.03 The depression of not working, no money is gripping me. I went for a nap. I didn’t sleep but dreamt. Horrible, twisted dreamlettes:
.Somebody outside the door spraying, paint? bug spray? A familiar voice “It’s disgusting.”
.Crossing the 59th St. Br. in a grocery cart. No traffic. Difficult to manoeuvre. It became a bike with flat tyre. I had a car. The bike was too small to ride, too large for the car. I needed to get dressed into jeans. Somebody was watching. The jeans became entangled.
Today would have been spent with N&E and not in libraries. But it would have been income. I need income. There won’t be any until… end of the month! I’ll need carfare next week. Cigs now. 40 in the banque. NOT good.
Cooking rice in the chicken water. Shower with Dawn to follow. PenLib 13.00. SIBL. Moving. Thinking. Depressed. Sick… truly… sick… stomach, head, eyes, sick.

18.33 Q32 fm SIBL. Missed Motek! – Shit day. But go work-related stuff done at PenLib & SIBL. From here on, it’s mostly wait. Applied for bi-ling bkkpr at Roche Bobois! PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE! – I think Bedlam’s got bedbugs! Getting out just in time! – Will see Motek tomorrow evening. – Bought 2 paks reg. Camels. Have no more vodka. NEED CASH! – Now to “enjoy” this ride… fuk.
19.18 Q53! Sitting! – Hungry. Itchy. And the sky is clearing.
23.28 In early enough to be done with dinner by 21.30!
Dinner: V8 with a bit of horse-radush. – Sauteed the boiled chicken in butter in a sauce pan. – 2 eggs, flour. Fried 3 “breads” for tomorrow night. 2 eggs left. – Fried the sauteed chicken until “crisp” on one side, in the pan. – Heated some of the rice-in-chicken broth. – Chicken on plate. Sprinkled mozz. cheese shreads. Covered with rice-broth. – Delicious! – Finished Motek’s pudding for dessert. – Dishes washed, dried, put up. – Very good. I’m proud of me.
8539266 Twitter was fun this evening. Many very nice people on that. “ShutUpImTweetin” was so much fun. The other acct.? Apparently I’m not missed. I’m not in much of a mood for them these days. More substance on the 8539266. I need substance right now.
I itch! Mostly the face: beard & left eye. It better NOT be bedbugs. But next week, after I’ve gone, I’ll report it. I’ve 2 in cello-tape. Probably from Nr.7. He’s gone, they’re looking for “a meal”. But how odd; that dreamlette of people spraying my door saying “That’s disgusting.” Bugs. – Many job-search notes to tidy. Must check the paper for rooms tomorrow. Ring the 150 in FR. – I want to get to the PO in the morning. Get some grocery shopping for here for the next 5 days. And for Ev (anything bought is no monetary investment & I’ll get reimbursed. At least 20$ would be OK right now.) – It’s going to be difficult sleeping tonight. I could take a PMer, but am nervous about the pain I had. Death is coming: my time, my terms. – I keep rushing the closure here but have 6 days to go. SIX! – And again, no calls from Penelope. Just like the 11+ months when I was in The Shelter. How people will hang themselves when given the opportunity. Fux. Every last one. – We are, ALL of us, temporary. – I’m leaving the light/radio on. – The phone charger is fukking up. Figures. – Afraid to sleep. Can’t afford to stay awake. Nap.

20.May:
*NOTHING

21.May:
8.28 (for Friday.20.May.2011) The day came. The day went. *** MOTEK GAVE ME HIS OLD iPOD! THEN PAID (20$) FOR CHARGER & USB! I CAN have music, but I have no money to buy music, nor head-set to listen. My existence. *** But before… By 11.00 I’d got to the P.O. Nothing. Nothing at all. Then to Waldbaums for food until… and to Penunsula library. Clean-up on the CVs, passwords, &c. – After lib., back to Waldbaums to get juices, cereal, raisins for M&E. 40$ shopping, I charged 20$. On the Q53 to deliver & receive the 20 cash. – M. asked for computer help, I gave, he complicated (insisting he couldn’t shut down because Lois was logged-on) & it annoyed me. I spoke on it tgen let it go. – Accompanied them on the bus to Metro.Ave. M. went for hair-cut. I went to the train. – SIBL. Not much to be done now for job search. It’s the torturous wait period. – To the studio to meet Schmulik. I enjoy time with him. – He says he’d “never let go” of me. Well, obviously, neither have I of him. – Then he hands me the iPod! I can’t help but think: storage. I’m Homeless now, for all purposes. But I am appreciative. So much. – We strolled through some stores. He spent 75$ on groceries for ONE dinner for Chris & himself. Wow. THOSE days when I could. We rode together. Might spend Monday morning tog. at his place. – I got a small vodka at LibertyAve. I NEED to be “dulled” before bed. – Leftover chicken for dinner (at 21.00). – On Twitter, young girl, 2 kids, a shelter on B60! She confirms “NO PROGS”! The want her OUT… NO HELP! The world is disgusting… & only getting worse… worse… worse. – To bed by about 23.30.
9.00 Jeans soaking. Coffee done. Potty run. A sunny morning. No sense going to the beach. It’s wet. – At 6.00, “The Rightous” were to have ascended into Heaven, the rest have 5 months of misery. The World is to end. My entire existence has been misery. If I’m not to “ascend”, I wouldn’t know thr difference. Alas. – This morning, I am “dark”. So very dark. Nothing, just a very large “Nothing”… after the return fm. CT. Nothing. Just an infinite “Dark”. – Louisiana suffers because of floods. Unemployment all over. June puts students into the job market. Dark. Blinding dark. And this phone is grinding along. Dark.
21.46 I washed my jeans. I stayed in all day. I hear it was sunny. I hear it’ll rain tomorrow. It was my last Saturday to just do nothing. My last. Last. Next Saturday will be M&E. After that… back out to no-where, trying to charge this phone… where-ever. And the charger is fucking-up! I JUST BOUGHT IT! GOD DAMN IT ALL! – I am SO fed-right-thr-fuck-up-the-arse up! – I’m expecting the call: “Moe doesn’t want to go on Thursday. We’ll go sometime in June.” NO! “WE” won’t & I won’t care how YOU will. I need the sleeping bag. OK? FUK! – I’m in a very bad mental place tonight. VERY BAD. – Twitter 8539266 didn’t help. Too much “God” shit. Too much “I’m doing for”. Too much “Please help”. FUK YOU! Just FUK YOU ALL! I helped. I did. I even DO! 50$/day to be on-call, drive, do, maintain… 10$/hour. FUK YOU! FUK ME! Be there for Penelope. Be there. Yesterday I saw Donna in Waldbaums. Asked after her Mum. Got the cold shoulder. FUK YOU! FUK ME! – OK. NO MORE! JUST NO MORE! I NEED TO STOP! STOP! STOP! A quick, QUICK way OUT! NO BLOODY FUKKING MORE! – And Copley goes on. Upstairs TAPS ON THE FLOOR! NO PEACE! – Tomorrow I want to start a blog list where the Homeless can list their blogs. There are several, if not many. WTF? Why not? – FUK UPSTAIRS! FUK COPLEY! And the 15th June is before the 17th. FUK THEM TOO!
23.50 KHRNY on the radio. Jeans on the rack, damp. Heater on but not running. 26deg. in here. 3 cugs. left. I can’t fall asleep. The bedding needs washing. I didn’t shower today. Copley’s playing in the toilet. I’ve been thinking: stowing in the bunkers. Rain (FUK THIS OHINE OHONE PHONE!) in the forecast for the next 7 days! WTF is going on here? The southern states are clear. And I’ve got insomnia. No mentions on either Twitter. Maybe I HAVE died and this is my little, personal Hell. What else could it be? That one day, one cancelled day made so much difference. I want to get to the MMLib tomorrow… MORNING! The 8539266 Journal. 45minutes. FUK! But I’ll take it. Monday night I’ll be TRAPPED! No carfare. TRAPPED! Tuesday or Wednesday is bed cleaning. I have to figure that. Wash, pack, store. Store. Just so that it’s NOT HERE! My existence in storage… for nobody. – I have to try for a nap. Not even a book to read.

22.May:
0.14 Yelling, radio out-side! The bar? Restaurant? Back-yard? Oh yes. My Hell.
8.52 DREAM: Huge old house in the woods. I don’t know why I was there. David Friend came. I had to play a very old instrument that was harpsicord & piano. Old wood. Dried out. I started with harpsicord. Terrible. Then when I swept the keys, finishing the piano, all the black keys broke off! I gathered them in my hand & gave them to him. We chuckled.
. A second dream actually made me laugh in my half-sleep but I don’t remember it.
Just woke. Rain today. I’m having a cig. I’ve one left. (Cig. done.) Have to get to MMLib. Homeless Blogs Directory. My 8539266. Pretty much nothing after that.
20.00 Even the dishes are done & I napped for about 15mins. – I don’t know why I felt I had to get running early today. The only thing I really wanted to do, I’ve done: A Directory for Homeless bloggers to list their blogs. It too 50 bloody minutes to get it done at MMLib! Fukked PC! With-in an hour, 2 blogs got listed. But like so much else, even the Homeless refuse to participate in anything that might improve their lot. The world is NewburghNY. Fukkem. – KeyFood for enough to carry to Wednesday. Ate well. No booze. Oh well. – Bought Bugler instead of cigs. Only 32 papers now. SIX BUCKS! I’d paid 2,50$ & got 40 papers. – I’m just so tired and fed-up. – (20.10 Copley just came in.) – Thursday will be telling. I’m asking to be paid up front. – Schmulik tomorrow at “10ish”. I’ve really nothing much else to do anymore. Just count the days & plan for 17.6. THE WEATHER BETTER CO-OPERATE! – I’m actually a little tired. Need to roll some rollies for tomorrow. Then hope like bloodyfukkin Hell for some SLEEP tonight! – I’m in “Bitter Homeless” frame of mind.

23.May:
6.03 Woke at 5.02. Don’t know why. – RAIN again! This is becoming impossible. – Financial report: “depressing”. Imagine? – response to ‘refd to Cath.Chrties by Chabd’ on twit. Hmm. – To Motek at 8. Diversion.
23.38 I don’t know what to say. The ENTIRE day with Motek @ his flat! Lilli shocked him when she jumped from the sofa & came to the door to greet me. And we passed the day, eating his home-made cheese-cake, pasta for lunch, drinking coffee & talking: Israel, music, things. He set the iPod for WiFi & helped me establish an account (on my card). I had to contact the banque. They had the B116 addresse on the card! Changed to Tilden now. And I can get back some of my music! He’s given me back the music that was ripped from me! MUSIC! I got him on Twitter… with ThumoerNYC. A silly gesture. But simething fun. – But tonight, I left at 21.00. Standing at the train, the pain of reality to come numbed my body. At the A it was difficult. I stood, eyes closed. I didn’t want them open. I wanted to float off the platform into an on-coming train. The only thing that stopped me: the inconvenience to those wanting to get to their destinations. The only thing. It’s hitting, the reality… the realities. I’m with-drawing. Inside me is the only place I have. It’s very dark in here. But it’s a familiar place. I’ve spent most of my life in here. – I thank him for todat. I’ve posted my thanks. E-mail. It was “normalcy” & sanity for a day. – Now I’m in Bedlam… 2 more days… 2 more days. – Rain tonight & tomorrow again. Then CT. Then…

24.May:
20.37 You know what I accomplished today? Almost NOTHING! – This morning I got shit together for tomorrow. Gathering the bits to move them out. – After 13.00 I walked, IN THE HEAT, down the boards to PenLib WHERE I BOUGHT MUSIC ON THE iPOD VIA WIFI! BETH NEILSON CHAPMAN, ERASURE, STEVE RILEY, ROCH VOISINE! Not many but more than I had! – THEN, I walked to RiteAid where I bought 2 packs of cigs and EAR-BUDS to listen to the iPod… OVER-DRAWING THE ACCOUNT AND NOT GIVUNG A FUCK RIGHT NOW. – Walked in at about 17.00, ate, napped. – Diddleshit for the day. Now I’m looking for Motek on Twitter (he was on at 18.00). And tomorrow, FIRST THING, the bed gets washed and packed. Still no word in getting the car… I’ve a gut feeling… I’M ABOUT TO BE BULL-PROD FUCKED FRIM THE ARSE UP THROUGH THE SKULL.
20.52 Thought:
.Oma went slowly over years: began in Germany, multiple surgeries in Kettering, ending in Calvary.
.Gottfried: Alzheimers, slow, degrading, in a home.
.Irma: Lung, In a community in Florida.
.Edmund: Blind, deaf, dirty, broke, childless.
.Anita: Wingdale to the Hotel Newburgh, epileptic.
.Mama: JUST when life was good, lung, in Buffalo.
.Me? In a goddamned shelter with nothing.
.The “name” & “family tradition”.
22.46 It was nice, twitting with Motek tonight. He mentioned “Weeny” the Gund polar bear. And Opus. My god! He remembers! And asked “How can you miss me when I’m with you?” I can’t help but think: Dennis Nixon… Older, worn by time, but my love for him still very much alive. Me. Horribly worn by time, bald, drawn, thin, missing teeth… and yet, Schmulik still… Well… And here I am, on the brink… of everything, ready for death… It’s typical. – He didn’t take the time when I had the means to go & do. This morning I wondered: Would I have lived differently had there been someone else in my life? And then I thought: it’s too late to think such things now. Too late. – 28degrees in here. Too warm. In January I cranked the heater for 28. But it would get cooler if I turned the heat down. It won’t get cooler now. – I’m covered with little “bites”. Roaches scurry all over. This place is really showing signs of a curse. May it be MY curse on THEM! – Tomorrow I strip the bed, pack the bedding. Tomorrow night I sleep uncomfortably. Thursday morning I walk out & away. Then, 5 days later I… I… – Of course, with the BANGING that went on here tonight, Copley & up-stairs… BANGING! Sleeping out will be good.

25.May:
8.13 JUST WAKING! 3 alarms & just waking. The day is now 2 hours behind. And my insides are trembling. It’s not that I have SO much to do. Or SO many places to be. But I wanted to be half way through laundry by now. Time to get on the move… prep things to be put into storage today.
It’s the anticipation of hearing “Moe thinks we should wait…” Well… if so… so.
22.04 Everything’s packed. Ready to go. Need to move the car by 8.30. Need to get stuff INTO the car. But… there’s a car. – Ev commented that I’ll be taking my things from the house in CT. Makes me believe this will be MY last trip up. Well, if I’m not ro leave pillows there, let that be the case then. Amd she tried to get me to take 25$/day! FUK! REALLY! Just FUK! I’ve had it… had enough! Go find simebody who’ll do what I’ve done for less. Meanwhile? I HAVE to get out of here and this 6 days (she’s counting 5) (FUK!) in a HOUSE in the woods is something I need and want. So? I’ll take them. Besides, they’re STILL paying by cheque! FUK! If it’s to end… it ends. They’re talking: house cleaning (by the woman who does it), porch cleaning (I didn’t offer). PAY ME! They didn’t even OFFER for the snow removal I did (never mind splitting wood). Piss the jolly fuk off now. I’ll enjoy my “holiday before Homelessness” this time. – I need to get some rest, be awake before the bars close.

26.May:
4.53 Up since 3.03. Half-slept x5hrs, head on pillows, no cover, yellow swim trunks, Phil T-shirt. CHEST PAINS, lungs, through the night.
DREAM: (just before waking) On a bus. Q41. I knew the driver. It was night/early morning dark. RAIN! POURING! I was smoking when the bus pulled up (Howard Beach, Cross Bay, 149th Av.). The driver waved me in with the cig. He exhaled his own out the window. I put .y MetroCard in. It kept cycling, wouldn’t come out. Driver said “Don’t worry about it.” and git it through, gave it to me. I said “I don’t want anybody to think I’m taking a free ride.” (Note: Maybe something to do with Bedlam, being Homeless, shelter, Moe & Ev.) As I was feeling comfortable in the dream, “Tarzan Boy”… the 2nd alarm. I’d slept through the 1st.
5.03 The lampe & radio remain. Luggage to go to CT. The car is packed, ready to go to storage. I had to move it by 8.30 from B112. Moved onto The Blvd. to pack. 4 trips. It’s ALL the way out on B113 now. – *There was something on the outter door-knob to the room! Something like dried snot! Bitch!* – I need just a snooze. Coffee’s gone but there’s a whole jar to go to CT today.
When I moved the car from The Blvd. it sputtered. This day is nit yet done. But today’s gonna be a good, good day. All WILL go smoothly.
The “Reality” of the present hasn’t quite become “Reality”. The “confrontation” is being delayed by CT. But I’m seeing things that are incorrect: I don’t much like the bickering about payment for this trip. I don’t like the statement about removing my comfort items from the house. I’ve been most fair with them. Most fair to THEM, indeed. These things are un-necessary. I’m thinking I might suggest that they try to find someone cheaper. A conversation for Thursday. Especially if there’s any problemme when I ask to be paid, at least half, today. Then, we’ll see how much per day & how many days (actually 6 Ev keeps saying 5). & let’s not forget, Moe got PC help yesterday. Since HE can ask, SO can I. – Snooze time.

19.18 We arrived. Bedlam is empty. IT is done. I am Homeless. All is in storage. I put the Sim Shalom shell back to the sea. The “Bedlam Beach & Bath is on the 112 dunes. HAH! lFOG! HEAVY The strange guy I keep seeing on the bus, The Blvd. is 4415. HE got a place on 119… rent off for painting! FUK ME! Anyway… I got to the flat about noon. Collected 40 for “taking the car in to check the fluids” WHATever. WE left after 13.00. One potty stop. Shopping at Trader Joes. Here about 16.30. I’m tired. It’s magnificently peaceful.

27.May:
9.42 (cont. Thu.) I’m determined to enjoy this vist this time. No more “constant doing”. – I schlepped the luggage in immediately, to get it done. Found the Grey Goose (which, for some reason, Ev is pre-occupied with… NOPE! MINE!) & a bottle of Kessler’s rye, which I’d bought simply because. What will I do with it now? Storage, until… perhaps the 17th. – The weather is HOT, humid. But the house down-stairs is wonderfully cool. I’ll be very comfy. – By about 18.00 Ev made sandwiches. I’d only swept up a bit. Then a littlr work on the TV: install the digital box. Easy. I had one sandwich. I’m not going to be eating much these days. No “added expenses” on their part. – When things had gotten to their “routine” (sitting about, the usual confusion), I took a couple belts of Grey Goose, the iPod, headed out back to sit & listen to Beth Nielsen Chapman. *As I listened & sang, a beautiful hawk soared over the tree-tops. “All alone I came into this world. All alone I will someday die.” “I will see you in the light of a thousand suns. I will hear you in the sound of the waves.” Soon, I’ll soar silent on the breezes, drift silent on the tides.* – Ev talks of getting Fatima in to clean the house. Moe says Manuel does a wonderful job maintaining the grounds. (Hmmm… more intruders taking MY much needed money, say I). I could do the cleaning. And the grounds? Blowing leaves back into the woods? SHIT! I covered the air conditioner when we last left, opened it before they’d gotten out of the car! – By about 23.00 it was “end of day”. I threw a MARTINI together, stepped out for a smoke then in for a WONDERFUL SHOWER! BAREFOOT! “Zest” soap. Finished the MARTINI, out for last smoke: Thoughts of Schmulik, the Homeless in Twitter, my Homelessness, the 17 June… in the silent night. – Back in, Twitter a bit. Under the covers… sleep.
10.10 Very warm. Sunny. Somebody’s leaf-blowing. A plane, small, flies by. Chipmonks scurry all over the place. I’m slightly “a-wash” from last night’s martini but nothing drastic. Birds. Chipmonks. CHIPMONKS! So many of them. Running after one-another. Running. Scurrying. Chirping. Jowls stuffed. Hemlock. Maple. Oak. Birch. The air moves ever so slightly. I’ve gulped coffee. Had 2 cigs. Sitting under the porch. – I’m MAKING myself “comfortable” but NOT “too” this time. I’m not feeling “part of THEIR house, THEIR home”. Not this time. – Yesterday, Pete dropped by. HE made me feel more welcome than M&E. I can’t get it out of me: take the afghan, sleeping bag, pillows; it was 25$/day the last time (yes, because a.I didn’t want to be a financual burden, b.the weather kept us here longer, c.I mistakenly enjoyed being here. Remider: I split wood, bought logs, stoked the fire, shoveled the drive. (I can’t decide if I’m hurt, angry, resentful, bitter. – On Sunday, Lois & Diane will come for an over-night. Why? I wonder. I want to “suggest in passing”: do some research… check others’ rates, find someone cheaper. Do I care now? I’ll be back in The Shelter come Wednesday… dead shortly there-after. Good-bye. – For now… I TAKE EACH MOMENT, enjoy small bits of time. It’s good ONLY for right now. Later comes my Hell again. The air moves. Birds chirp. Chipmonks scurry. The trees are lush green, the stones cold-steel grey. I think I’ll do some sketching today… before we’re off to the market… errands… I’ll be “the chaufer”… hired help. A “friend”? No. Not in actuality. And never anybody’s “family”. – “All alone I came into this world. All alone I will someday die.”
12.26 At about noon, they came down. She to say “Good afternoon”, says he “To welcome him” (me). Then to ask me to hook-up the dehumidifier. Later, I over-heard “They close at 4 on Saturday”. Saturday? I’m expected to drive on Saturday? – The boots are more difficult to repair than expected. Disappointing. – Offered lunch, I declined. I’m very hungry. Staying “out of the way”. Keeping low. No added expense. Not feeling deserving of “welcome”. Better communications with Homeless on Twitter. I’m “leaving me”. Disociating with/from me. – Time to shit’n’shower, dress for the day… disappear somewhere, somehow. – I can’t wait until I ask for payment. Anticipate trouble.

28.May:
1.26 (For Friday) The morning was peaceful, morning coffee &c. The folks woke at noon. Ate. Procrastinated. Moe forgot to pack his Lasix! Oh my! They argued. Moe became rather impossible. Ev is my salvation because she admits he makes her crazy sometimes & seems to understand wgen I lose my calm w/Moe. “Seems”. I just can’t be certain. Well, several calls to MDs to fax a script & we were off to Comcast to get the little boxes to get them TV svce. Another HOT day! But we got ALL the TV equp. & were off to the market. Moe stopped at a shoe store. New shoes. I waited outside, twittung. – Ev LUVZ grocery shopping! It’s quite fun watching her browse for odd items, reading labels. – We left StopShop about 18.00 & headed to TD. Moe whined about the distance. Ev told him to leave me alone. – Paid 300 for 6 days, no arguments. It gave me 231 because of my silly over-draft. But… When the storage comes out… 100something. THIS MUST STOP! POVERTY! – Back at the house, I installed the TV equip. Another THREE reps! But a fellow named Gary saved all! A bit over an hour, up & down stairs. THEY HAVE TV! – Ev had made burgers for dinner. She was upset: I hadn’t eaten all day & dinner was cold. But the thanks for the TV. As she said “Could you imagine US trying to deal with that? We couldn’t.” & Moe said “No. We couldn’t.” Well. Whatever. – We ate. Schmoozed. Lous rang. Ev went on so about my help. I think Lois must have had something to say (not favourable) because Ev defended me. Lois/Diane will be here Sunday. Cooking dinner. Staying the night. Jolly. – *At the market, Ev said she’d like to come back here during June. That would be nice. Less time for me in the ahelter. Hope? – As I got ready foe bed, I discovered a small leak! It’s the hot water valve in the kitchen sink. Easy fix & it would be lovely if it could give a few extra days here (H.O.O.E.!). – & so, I’m showered. Vodka. Smoke. Tired! – Maybe schul tomorrow (Saturday). – The days here pass too, TOO quickly!
22.55 The day bega at 8 with a doe in the back! – Made it to schul this morning at 10.00. Not shachrit. But service. Very “Conservative” although the locals say it’s “Modern” Orthodox. Offered 1st aliyah. Declined. Dressed the Torah instead. – Back at the house, large breakfast of challah french toast. Rodah Heinbeck was here. – Moe’s lasix came in. – I washed the car first. Then off to CVS with Moe. – Returned to hose the deck. So much for “no work”. – David (plumber) came. With his kid. Damn. Kept his boots on. Damn. Will be back tomorrow (yay). He’s not “HOT”… but “BIG” which does “Hot”. I fixed the leak in the kitchen. He’ll fix the washing machine hot water (200$!). – I Hoovered the room, down-stairs. – Pasta dinner tonight. I’m stuffed! – Martinis in the coffee jar. – Shower when the dishwasher stops. – NO idea WHAT the fuk I’ll do on Tues. night/Wednesday, with the car. NO fukking clue after that. HOMELESSNESS! But there’s still tonight, tomorrow night, Monday night. – Just sanded calouses eith 50wt sand paper… & they’re not gone. Need to file finger nails. Holding off. The later, the better. – Tired tonight. – Still haven’t fixed the boots or had TENS moments in the woods. Sunday work.
23.39 Showered. 2 showers each night. Clean before bed. WOW! May as well… whilst I can. Up-stairs, Moe wandering. But TV off. The end of the day (before 1am?)? I HOPE! – TOO much work for a place I’ve no rights to. For 50$/day. But it kept me busy & makes good appearance. Served some purpose. – This phone flickers & doesn’t hold a charge long. I’m concerned. – The martini isn’t hitting. I don’t want another but… – Considering troding-up, going for a walk down the road. A wee too tired though. Just lazy. – It’s been non-stop again. Not good. – Tuesday night keeps hitting. Wednesday & there-after. Shelter. The “over-nighter” status. The “over-nighters” there-after. At least until the 17th. Shelter will do me in this time. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. Yet, there are empty homes here. But “here” will do me no good. Even if I got a tent for out back, Pete & Heather are too close. MUST THINK! 100$ short on a room in Rock. – I’m going to nap now. Need rest & nothing on TV I’d like to watch. – Tomorrow, a trode in the woods… FOR SURE!

29.May:
23.37 Thid morning began quite peacefully. The morning smoke brought a hawk in the trees accompanied by the cacaphony of many chipmonks squeeking their “danger/warnings”. The whole back woods resounded. Fascinating. – Then, I “donned” cod & trodes for a “buzz-off” at long last! Down back. OK. But not “fulfilling”. Another is in line/need. – Had 2 bowls bkfst cereal w/half’n’half left fm last visit. It was still OK but clotted at the bottom. Oh well. – David came to fix the washing machine valve. I learned he’s divorced. Hmmm.. – Lois, Diane & Rayla(the dog) arrived. They brought many groceries & went to the lake. (D. gave a kiss on the cheek. L. nothing.) I went to Rite Aid for smokes & Benadryl (for me & the house). – At RiteAid, I down-loaded a few iTunes (via Staples WiFi): “Time To Say Goodbye”, “I Wish You Love”, Steve Riley. Prepped to “say goodbye”. – Returned to a sit on the porch w/M&E. – L&D returned & prepared salmon for dinner. Wine with. DEElish! – A rather good time had by all until Moe got obnoxious about some if my humour about s comment he’d made. Not to anyone else’s knowledge. Ev & I were to have tea but he just angered me so I said to him “Oh you’re DRUNK! I’m sorry.” Came down-stairs. – Tonight Ev asked if I wad going to sleep, didn’t want to disturb w/dishwasher. Never bothered her before. Hmmm… I was on’line/phone. No bother. – All done. I’ve showered. In bed (23.55). – Tues./Wed. making me sick! FUK ME! – I got a tick today… on my jeans. No biggie. – One more vodka swill & g’night.

30.May:
0.06 A restless night. I’d like a smoke but the door is under the room where Lois/Diane are sleeping. Ev was just up, turning off the flood-light on the drive. I’m listening to moths bang into window & screen. Grey Goose isn’t touching me tonight. The Homeless thing, no doubt. – I want to sleep nicely in this bed. I don’t want to give up this night in a house. Actually? I’d like to go into the woods & not come out but: the woods aren’t deep enough & it would be terrible on M&E (unfair to them) – Oh: Diane asked Moe if they’d be coming up for a month during the Summer. He’s SO BLOODY NEGATIVE about it! Ev woyld luv to. (I’d be delighted, 1st 2 weeks of June at least). I told Ev I’ve noticed Moe’s negativity about the house. (0.15 water running somewhere.) There’s no hope for me to avoid The Shelter… other than death. Ah…las & Oh…well. – I’d like 1 more smoke. I’d like 1 more “load” too. But I doubt I’ll get either tonight. I’ll try a few drags through the screen. WTF? Eh? – Getting tired too… at last. – I wonder if we’ll do Bethel pizza & Dr. Mike’s ice cream tonight (Monday). – FUK! Monday! Tuesday we leave!!! and I begin living in the subway (or back in the Bakfort)!!! I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!
9.16 If only I could stretch this day along to the middle of the month. – The 20% rain became 100% rain. But the scent of the woods and the fog would be so comforting… were it not for the fact that this is what I’ll be dodging, with no-where to go.
Last night, a thought:
1. Sleep on the beaches by day,
2. Library runs to finish the 8539266 Journal.
3. Subways by night.
4. Get the train back up to here, leave a window open, dodge Pete&Heather (shelter/shower). *IF FOUND: the relationship with M&E will be severed.*
It’s the BATHING & sleeping that’s the bitch… and working.
It’s today… Then tomorrow I face the shit. At some point today I’ll mention, I think: no place until the 15th. You know? If nothing else it’ll be interesting to see the reactions/suggestions. I’ve a good feeling that M. will be MOST negative about it. But for now, to use the time at hand. – And when storage fees come out of the chequing, I’m down to 100something$. No getting a room on that. Thurs. will only cover but about 50$ I’m certain (if that). – A nice, cool breeze… in the morning rain. 9.29 & all is still silent. – No back-woods troding this morning. Hmpf.
23.26 (Monday) *MOE OFFERED THE ROOM AT THEIR FLAT “for a few days until you can find a place”.* – The morning began with rain. Briefly. Then came sun and 30deg weather. Taylor came & Lois&Diane took her to the lake for the day. – Without showering, I headed down-back for a stim, walking the dirt path. It ended with a hand, but was quite OK. – Back at the house, I cleaned the inside of the car. Then headed out to find WiFi at Danbury Mall, back to Staples, Barnes&Noble (parking lots). Nothing. So I returned. – In a lull, I told Ev that they didn’t have to leave tomorrow for me to move. (landlady in hospital, I got a voice mail) She was more upset that I had no where to go! Told Moe. He asked what I’d do. I told him I’ll check into the shelter for a bit. “No. You can’t do that. You can’t go to the shrlter.” I told him not to obsess, I’d cover that & I’ll work it through. – L.D.&T. packed their things & left. Then Moe told me they’ll stay the extra day & offered me a place. When I said “Where? The bed in the computer room is full.” he said “Where-evwr we are.” & Ev said “You’ll just have to clear it off.” and it was left at that. (23.40 Moe’s rolling about over-head.) I NEVER expected such an offer! (Honestly, knowing they’ve offered is magnifucent. Staying the extra day is a blessing. Accepting the offer… I can’t. Just can’t. But I’m taken by the offer. Truly.) – Dinner, my only meal today, was wonderful. And we sat on the back porch for several hours, talking. – Tonight, Waubeka is dark. The week-enders are gone. – My chest is congesting again & the temoerature in here is rising. Or, I’m breaking-down. I’m sweating, even in the coolness. And… the vodka is done.

31.May:
6.38 The alarm was set for 6.30. I woke at 6. There’s a load of wash going. Towels from the girls’ day at the beach, my lights. – I’m under the porch. Birds. Breeze. Sun-rise. PEACE! I’d almost forgotten the SERENITY of early morning. A tease before the turmoil. And it’s Tuesday. The day we were to leave. But that will come tomorrow. Yet my guts are already in motion. And thoughts are geared to “Shelter”.. work… strife. I’m just too damned weak for what’s to come. I just can’t see how going to Glendale will be better. I just know that going to the shelter will be… – There are errands to be run today. Tonight is Bethel Pizza & Dr. Mike’s Ice Cream. – But this morning, right now, is laundry and the PEACE of morning. And I’m here to enjoy it, awake on time. Try to live THIS moment, plan for what’s to come. – Today… tonight… then tomorrow. Thursday is Moe’s doctor appointment. Friday is… … …
8.53 3rd wash. “My” linens & sleep-sweats. Please let M&E sleep til 10. 1st wash: towels. 2nd: my jeans, shirts, hoodie. CLEAN! And I’m almost packed away for tomorrow… even the TENStuff. I scrubbed in the shower last night so I’m clean. But no bm yet. A tad hungry. Thinking “no hot meals to come.” But hot weather. Must get a new job… IMMEDIATELY! Too bad I couldn’t get one here. Eifferman would probably hire me. Even Ev said. But “2$/hr”. And live-in is OUT of the question. I NEED A JOB DAMN IT! – Moving along. – Still a nice morning… going TOO QUICKLY!
10.00 By 9.59 ALL the wash was done & the bed made! WAHOO! And they’re still asleep. WAWAHOO! Cool breeze. Low humidity. A glorious day. (yeahsurerightfuk) I enjoyed the cleaning, the rushing to get it done. Now I’m at the stand-still & thoughts of income, job, shelter. I’m not allowed to bask & enjoy. And I haven’t taken in any sun at all & it’s friggin JUNE! – Well. Shower & dress for the day… The day… The 17th looks better all the time.
11.46 Moe’s in the shower. Ev’s doing something in the bed-room. The laundry’s done. The car is washed. I’m showered. I even had a bagel (lite cream cheese) & 3rd coffee. But I want the past 5 hours back! To relax! What-ever that is. I keep feeling that I can’t relax until the work is done. But the work never gets done. I could stop. But I don’t want to focus on what’s coming at me. Work distracts, partially. I need that or I’ll…
23.46 I got to cook brunch. Salmon-broccoli/cheese omlettes. Ev liked very much. Moe devoured most of his. I had a small one. Then, about 15.00 I had to take Moe to his shoe-maker in town. We drove roynd Danbury proper. Depressed & depressing. – VERY HOT/muggy. The air conditioner in the car isn’t working! – Back at the house to sit a bit. – 19.00 off to Bethel Pizza, Dr.Mike’s ice cream. Really great! The woman at Bethel Pizza remembered us from last year & asked for me! (I was having a smoke.) – The drive was great: back roads. – Back to the house. A little TV. – I snuck a gin/tonic for the night. – Am showered. Ready for sleep. – It’s done. Tomorrow night in Glendale. Maybe Thurs. night too. The Shelter on Friday. – The 17th: CHECK-OUT!