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                         PENINSULA DAYS                  |
August 2008 - RPH-Tilden-Peninsula FRIDAY 15 AUGUST: Was awake almost the entire night, worried about paying the rent. At approximately 4h30, I called for my balance. 2,71$! I hoped that payroll simply hadn’t been posted yet but grew sick at the possibility it wouldn’t be at all. So by 5h30 I began packing up, preparing for the hotel to come take my belongings. – Again, at 6h30, no payroll! Maybe not until 9h? I prepared for death. The thought of losing what little I have made death so much better. I have all the pills I need – By 9h, I left. Carlos was on the desk and doing something. Didn’t speak. I held the door for the young girl who was my neighbour on the 2nd floor. Carlos never even looked up. I left – 9h30. 2,71$! I put 2$ on my MetroCard and headed to the Fort. – My god! How it RAINED! Lightning! Thunder! Beautiful! But is screwed me up and out of my plans for a quiet retreat to the dunes and death. – At 12h, 2 Oxycodone. 12h30, 2 more. 13h, another. 12 is the max per day I learnt at the library (PDR) this morning. I was on my way. – 16h. Penelope left. It poured! I stayed in T7 with (him) waiting for Tommy to return at 20h. A full storm raged, and passed. Tommy and Tony, then Geoff and Mary arrived. They rehearsed their “Improv” skit. I was STONED! and pissed. It was still raining and I didn’t know where I’d spend the night in the rain. – Oddly enough, Mary and Geoff offered a lift to 116th tonight! I thanked them and just said “I’m good.” – I think all left approximately 23h30. It was drizzling. I went out, put on my rain poncho (from the 99-cent store) and started to the beach. Hero Road gated! I turned back, went into the Bakfort, perhaps to Harris E. or W. A helicopter came by. The poncho is white! I could be spotted. I took a pee, went back to T7. Everybody gone. – All chairs and lounges were soaked! Put plastic garbage bag and poncho on wooden settee, crunched on it and tried for sleep. – Heavy air traffic. Nervous about Parks Police. I didn’t sleep well all night but, it didn’t rain any more. – VERY cramped and uncomfortable. SAT. 16: Woke at 3h, VERY, VERY COLD. Towel for cover. Tried for more sleep. 5h30, gave up. Laid awake until 6h30. Good timing. Parks Sanitation came up to get garbage! I got busy with lounge cushions as if I should be here for it. – Thankfully, had left-over cold coffee from yesterday. A few sips. P. had given me some cigarettes. Had one. – By 8h or so, P. arrived. Thought my presence unremarkable. We talked. She went for a walk. I sketched. – When she returned, I told her about being “un-domiciled”. She asked how much would get me in. 180$ I told her. She dropped the subject. – Apryl and her band arrived at approximately 10h. P. and I moved things back to T6. – Telephone message from Nurse Nancy. Has a pt. for me on Monday. I told her can’t take the case and why. She agreed Rosaria isn’t professional and hoped I’d be available soon. – P. suggested I tell Geoff of my dilemma and ask to crash in T7 over-night. She thinks he’ll OK it. – While cleaning the fridge in T6, frozen pizza. P. told me to set up the microwave. 3 slices. Said go to T7, get soda. I did. Heated and ate all 3 slices. “You must be absolutely starved! You poor thing!.” – When she left at 17h30, she left me in T6 to lock up. I said I was thinking of going for a swim, taking a shower (in back of T6). She agreed, good idea, suggested I leave back door open for access. Offered a small “Dove” soap for my shower. Left me about 6 cigs. too. – I did go to swim. Cold! I can’t take cold any more. I’ve done too much of it, esp. last night. Came back to T6. COLD SHOWER! But I’m showered. – It’s 19h08 as I’m noting. The warm sun is setting. Cream-gold in the sky. A few clouds. Cool breeze. My bathing trunks drying on the porch rail. Nobody RAA here. Tommy said something about much music and drinking at 16h. I’m just as glad to have this peaceful time. Some people arriving for theatre at T4. I have access to T6 for the night. No place to sleep in there but it’s shelter. Can’t decide between sleep and death tonight. Either is a viable option. – Would like to curl-up and sleep right now. Don’t know if anybody’s coming to RAA though. If I go into T6, too dark to write/sketch. Can’t turn on lights. Visible to road. Need to figure where to sleep in there. Shelter beats waking through the night. – And so, by 20h30 I’ve put a sheet on the table, my tallit in the Brighton bag made a pillow and the sea sheet, a comfy cover. The moon was FULL, rising beautifully over the soccer fields. Awesome! To be true. People were arriving for the theatre in T4. The Fort was in its glory. Heavy black clouds were coming from the main-land. The sun-set made them glow fiery hot red-orange! Hell was above me. Peace was inside me. I turned on no lights. There was more than enough from those in the parking lot. And the “Exit” signs in T6 glowed red. All was quiet as I climbed on the hard table, put my head down and covered me with the sheet. Hey. I was warm, dry, sheltered. I needed no more from life at this point. Clean. Showered. Sheltered. SUN.17:Woke a few times during the night. I remember doing the same thing many times through my life. Nerves. Fright. Terror. Depression. I don’t like it but it’s my existence. – But I got off my table at approximately 6h and began cleaning the coffee maker. FILTHY! Grounds in the works and all. I’m just now watching the first pot of coffee coming through. Oh well. I’m not other-wise occupied. Mopped the floor down twice as best I can. I’ve got terrible cramps this morning. It’s most fortunate I have access to the loo! I’m in dire need. – Yet, the sun is rising over a bucolic Ft. Tilden and into a sky of magnificent blue. Coffee’s on. Fresh-brewed. 2 cigarettes left. Looks like a great day to go to the beach and die. Go, whilst the world is at peace. It’s a comfort to me to know I have that choice. – Haven’t brushed my teeth since Friday morning. Rinsed with hot salt water though. I wonder how long these clothes I’m wearing will hold. I wonder where all my other clothes are. Death on the beach. We’ll see. The choice is there. I have choices. – 8h53 still alone. Allergies? Cold? Stress? Congested. Chest and nose. Just not feeling too well. Can’t afford sickness. Unless it’s my message: which choice to take. – 20h03 in the library, T6, at the desk… Penelope arrived about 10h. I was relieved to see her for many reasons, not least of all, that I would have had to explain my presence here and had she not come, ran the risk of being locked out. As it went, she spent the better part of her day cleaning a fridge. I was her “company”. I spent most of the day feeling miserable. Cold? Flu? Allergies? Exhaustion? All of the above, no doubt. (Even now, I’m sneezing. Nose dripping. Eyes all water! Feverish. Who knows?) She wanted (wants) me to ask Geoff for permission to stay here and I agree. He came by briefly. Feeling and looking ill. Was supposed to attend a wedding (on the beach) for one of the teachers from the Summer programme but was too sick. I didn’t mention staying here because of his illness. P. agreed it was best not to right now. But, she told me of a woman who took residence on the porch of T7 without any permission. It presented a terrible problemme for everybody. I assured her I’d do all possible to avoid all troubles. – This evening I went to the wedding with P. Felt poorly dressed (jeans, T-shirt, cord.shirt, flip flops). Went to the reception at the picnic area here. Beautiful! Traditional Korean. Plenty of food. I ate well. Hopefully it will all settle well in my stomach. – P. and I came back to T6. She gave me cigarettes for the night, suggested I have access to the library to read if I’d like, said she doubts anyone will come round for any reason tonight. Even mentioned turning on a light and the radio! I said I feel best not drawing ANY attention here. She agreed. – It’s 20h20. 25,5 degrees. I could use a shower but the one here is cold only. NOPE! NEED to brush my teeth and will soon need to shave. But right now, the day is finished and there’s nothing I can do about anything until tomorrow so I just need to do what must be done to feel well enough to attack a Monday. I’d like to hear music, sketch, take a walk, WASH MY CLOTHES, BRUSH MY TEETH, settle in, watch TV. But (my stomach is bubbling!) I’ll be happy if I can simply sleep through the night and wake trouble-free in the morning. – 20h35 Cleaned my teeth with a ScotchBrite pad! Feeling cleaner! I think there’s a full moon tonight. Beautiful out there over the Fort. But I just heard a car door close out front!
MON.18: TUE. 19 at 7h16 (22deg) Just finished recording yesterday and the sun has come from orange to hazy pale yellow. The breeze is nice. The sun is warm. But the PAIN in my right testicle is horrific! I want a cigarette. The elastic on my bottom teeth needs replacing. I need to wash these clothes I’ve been wearing. I should go find out my status at RPH today and I think I’ll have the runs at some point during the day. So I’m opening this day’s entry with a bitch. Hey! 21 days and I finish 52 years. And, aside from the experience of sleeping on the beach, watching a full moon rise, seeing another magnificent sun-rise, my existence is WHAT! TORTURE for the most part. HELL for another part. – 8h58 Porch, T7. Sprinklers on, per Tommy’s request. The sun is up and hot. The back door of T6 was not locked when I got here! I could have come here earlier and even last night. But, all said, living on the dunes was nicer. Still, this morning, I wonder if Geoff (and Tommy) know I’m homeless. Tommy asked “If you’re here… on the days you’re here early, would you turn on the sprinklers?” Geoff didn’t seem at all surprised to see me in T6 last night. – 9h06 P.’s here. – It’s 19h31 I’m under a tree on the bay side of the Cement Road. Somewhere by the corner of the Hero Road. There’s bayberry and a little poison ivy to keep me hidden from view on the side and the branches above to block arial. It’s the arial I’ve been most concerned about. Police helicopters. As I ponder it now, being busted might be a blessing. I’d have shelter and meals… that’s a lot more than I have now. Tonight I have candy to eat and I’ll be sleeping on soil, not sand. Well. We’ll see how it all ends up. This should be interesting after sun-down. But for now, I’m reclined on an open black plastic trash bag for ground cover. Boots off. As comfortable as could be, considering. And all the while I’m remembering that I have all I need to simply drift out of all of it. I have the option. – Meanwhile, the day. I must begin noting that I took a close look at my teeth, this morning and it was disgusting! They haven’t been properly brushed since Friday morning! So I cleaned them with some sea grass which I used like floss. During the day, I scrubbed with salt on finger. But, yuck! To think that my teeth could be so filthy! – So P. arrives and she tells me that she brought me a baloney sandwich for lunch! I was so appreciative… Of course! When I asked her for a smoke, she aid she’d remembered not leaving me any and was going to call me to apologise. But she didn’t and I told her that that would have been silly. – The day went along fine. She wanted to know more about how Edlyne fkd me by not processing my time sheets. I gave her the full scoop . – Sully came by for the first time in ages and told of squashes and pumpkins growing out in The Fort. Told me of some beach plums too. When he left, I borrowed a bike and brought back 2 large squashes so P. could see them. (She left them, by the way.) Went back for what I thought was pumpkin but turned out to be another kind of squash. I cooked it in the microwave. Rather good. Left-overs are in T6 fridge. – 19h58 It’s getting too dark to write much more because I’m under this tree. It’s 25 degrees. Nice breeze. My stomach is a bit “off”. It was gurgling last night and no BM all day today. I hope the stomach holds. But for now, before it gets too dark, time to make for some sleep. I’ve got a very tough 3 nights coming and no guarantee of income again come Friday. But I have my meds… my way out… my option. (7h37 on Wed.) To conclude: Tommy came out to the Fort and worked on the walls. Then Janet came to say that they were judging submissions for the next exhibit coming in Sept.. that meant P. and I lost our calm day in T6. Then Geoff came to set-up for his evening class tonight. Ah! CLASS TONIGHT! I wouldn’t have T6 (or RAA) at all! No choice in the matter. Tonight is out on the beach in The Fort! The thought actually made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to vomit. No shelter. Out in the cold with no-where to go. I kept getting nauseous every time I thought of it. But, I was gifted with a diversion in the way of being brought in to the panel of judges. My opinion was asked for and I got to judge about 5 entries. it was really very interesting and it did serve to distract me very well. I kept hoping it would take a while and, as it turned out, it didn’t end until about 17h30. – I’d wanted to shower today but never got to. What I need more is to wash my clothes. That never did happen either. But I got to stay with people and in shelter for the day. – Oh, P.’s phone charger works on my phone too, so I charged it. The down side is, I’ve got only 6,50 dollars on it! I need to call the hotel. Hopefully they’ve just put my stuff into storage. I got a call from JCCRP saying the Medicaid application was declined. I need to go back there. And I need to call Edlyne to see when I’ll get paid. I need to make calls. I have no time on the phone! – So, at about 18h, everyone left. But of all the things to happen, as she was getting to the car, P. did something I’d have NEVER expected. She told me that the classes end at 22h and that I’d need a way to get into the building, so, she gave me her key to T6! I thanked her, from and with my heart and told her that, as long as the weather was OK, I’d just stay away from RAA all night. She won’t be back until Friday morning now. And on Thursday, the floor of T6 will be painted. So I really shouldn’t be out here too early, so to avoid questions. But she gave me the key and some cigarettes for a while (5). She drove off and I headed to the beach. – There was enough day-light left to scout out a new place for the night. The dunes are beautiful but a) I don’t want to keep to the very same spot for too long and b) I really want a place not visible to arial surveillance. So, I took to the woods this evening. I was hoping for a little clearing under a thickette of bayberry. I looked over, under, in and through the area east of 315, west of the Hero Road, south of the silos and north of the Cement Road and just in time, I found a smaller tree where there was a clearing beneath, bayberry around and very little poison ivy to consider. I can stand up, still concealed. I can lie down, stretched out. There’s enough breeze to ward off most mosquitoes. No shelter from rain but I won’t need to worry about waking before morning beach surveillance begins. Nor, do I need to worry about sanitation trucks or cars or even early beach goers. I can sleep as long as I can in the morning. I cleared away twigs, that might snap, should I move in my sleep. I opened the black plastic trash bag to make a liner/ground cover. A sheet over the plastic, a sheet over me and I was settled for the night – Now, at 8h18 this Wed. morning, about the night… WED.20: 08h18 I’m on the beach, warming up in a beautiful, bright sun. This morning’s air is so crisp. Clean and clear that even the details of Sandy Hook are quite visible from here. Picture perfect weather. I just need to raise my core temperature a bit more. Last night got to be so cold that I had thoughts of just throwing away all caution and going to T6. Or, going to the hotel and begging to be let in. Yes. These are the August days: Hot while the sun is up and cold through the night. September is coming (and I’m homeless, with little-to-no salvation in sight) and the Autumn. I was asleep by complete sun-down. But when I woke through the night the moon dappled on the ground and on me, through the leaves. All wasn’t total darkness. Even in this misery, there is beauty to be appreciated, and I do appreciate it. – I woke about 5h and enjoyed the fact that I didn’t have to jump up and bolt into the world. I was concealed this morning. So, I opted for a while longer on the ground to wait for full sun-rise… and warmth. It came at about 7h15. – Well, the white sheet is filthy now, from the soil under the tree. But I rolled everything up, leaving nothing behind and left through the bay-berry and out into the world to a beautiful morning on an empty day. – On the flip-side: my clothes need to be washed. I could do them at T6 and it would be a prefect line-drying day. The sheet needs to be washed. I need to be washed! But horrible for the first time in days, I need to take a sht! And as I sit here, writing, I’m surrounded by sand flies! Talk about filth! I’m attracting flies. The tide is in. If it would get a bit warmer, I could go into the water, maybe take a dump in the sea. There’s a fisherman right where I am but I can move west on the beach. I’m thinking that’s what I’ll do. Take a swim, dry out on the beach. Try for a shower at T6. Maybe just go to the hotel today. So much to think about. – 10h10 This is almost too horrid, too miserable to be real! SAND FLIES! 10h34 at T7: SWARMS! No matter where I went! Or what I did! SWARMS! BITING! Nightmarish! Impossible to believe! Couldn’t stay there! Couldn’t sit! Couldn’t stand, lie, be still! Even here! On the porch! They’re HERE TOO! Biting my feet! 2 of them on my knee! And, to add to it, somebody’s on the back porch. I‘m not alone. I can’t help but think it’s a message: I shouldn’t be here today. Yes. There are things to be done… elsewhere. I was hoping to do them later. I was hoping to shower this morning. But it’s becoming obvious that my hopes are to be dashed. But, at least, I took my dump and my stomach is better. Not “all” is lost on this beautiful day. – 11h20 Geoff and Tommy came by. 3 girls are on the back porch “for the day”. T6 is open (for them). I got the radio for me (on the front porch). But I wonder… Tommy noticed a blue tarp on Harris East and asked me what it is. Geoff immediately replied “That’s his (my) house”. What, and how much do they know about my days (and night) here, in The Fort? – Meanwhile, the sand flies are killing me! – 13h38 SHOWERED! T-shirt washed. I’ve accomplished nothing more. The flies were at me all day. I couldn’t sit on the porch and draw. This day has been misery. But, I’m showered. 2 cigarettes left. It’s only going to get worse from here. Maybe I should do my meds, go to the beach? Option. And, even showered, sitting in the sun and breeze, a fly won’t let me be. Yes. I’ve died. This is Hell. – I rang the hotel. Rob answered. His affect is similar to that of someone who is on heavy medications or should be heavily medicated. I told him who was calling, feigned a sudden on-set illness, told him I didn’t abandon and that I’d be coming in to settle my account. He told me I’ve been “banned” for not paying rent or checking out when I was supposed to. I asked, “Can you tell me what was done with my belongings?” “No I can’t. Ashley handles all of that. She won’t be in until later.” “OK. Can you tell me when she’ll be in?” “Her plane lands in an hour.” OK. What the fk does that tell me? – I didn’t call back this evening because I don’t have the time on the phone to waste trying to get to her and I really don’t want to hit her with this right when she comes back from holiday. I don’t want to piss her off by being part of some bullsht that I know she’ll be hit with anyway. But the time on the phone is even more of a concern to me. It was 6,50 dollars when I started my calling. – OK. Add to that, a call to Premier. Luz says Edlyne is in a meeting out of the office. I tell Luz I’m calling to see if my time sheets were put into payroll. “OK. I’ll give her the message.” – I called. I learnt nothing. Neither good nor bad news. Just nothing… neither more nor less. But it cost me time on the phone. – I washed my Dor Chadash T-shirt and went back to the porch to try drawing. In spit of the general calm and quiet, I couldn’t think of a thing and even as I tried, I couldn’t concentrate long enough to come up with an idea. – Tommy came back this evening. Geoff too. Geoff didn’t stay long but we chatted about British and American humour. Tommy came after Geoff left. He and I put in some landscape solar-powered lights. He said he wants to power-wash the floor in T6 tomorrow. Will be at The Fort about 9h, left about 18h. I was alone! – 19h30 the sun was getting low. I headed back to my little tree. Tonight I’ve got another plastic bag for ground cover and a large piece of black fabric that should be warm (found it in T7) Looks like a curtain of some kind. Heavy, black fabric curtain). There were people on the roads in The Fort so I had to be careful where I went. But, of course, at first, I couldn’t recall where my spot was! A few mis-shots and finally! It was like coming “home”… a familiar place. How sad: a tree in an abandoned army base could make me so happy. I set right to putting down plastic (long enough for me to stretch complete), fabric, sheets and me. There was a bit of time to lie and look at the sky through the leaves and listen to some stragglers making noise on the Cement Road. – The last I recall, the time was 20h20 and I rolled to my side for the night. THU.21: It’s 11h10, front porch, T7. Lovely weather. Geoff’s art class in progress in T6 since 10h. I’ve been here since about 7h. Watered the what-ever it is that gets watered. Finished the sketch I started yesterday. Am tired, hungry, in massive pain (upper back, maybe lungs) and have smoked 2 butts found on the ground here. I also am noticing that I’m beginning to develop an odour. Not disgusting but quite unpleasant. – Notes on last night: Slept generally well but woke quite cold just before midnight. The black fabric was a help but not a complete solution. – At one point, for no reason, sneezing and coughing uncontrollably! The cough tasted of blood. I didn’t bother to check or look. It finally passed and I went back to sleep. If it’s anything at all, I hope it does something damned soon! – Then, maybe around 1h or so, the air FILLED with the smell of burning wood! It happened Tuesday night also. I’d figured it to be idiots on the beach but THIS time it was HEAVY and annoying. A mystery. We’ll see what tonight brings. – Then, this morning, as I was lying in the cold waiting for those first glimmers of morning sun-light to play on the leaves over my head, the sanitation trucks came along the Cement Road. That was interesting but, after they dumped the trash back at Sully’s area, almost right beside my head, under the ground, I heard a sound like steel wheels screeching on steel track! There’s a bit of a mound surrounding the area where I sleep and it curves. I doubt there’s any sort of tracks in the ground. But it does give me cause to think seriously. I don’t think I’d drifted back to sleep and hear or mis-heard the sound. But, as strange as it (the noise, etc.) is, I’ll just have to wonder. – And so, the sun came up and I got to RAA to begin the watering of the gardens. After all, mustn’t let on about living (“living”? THIS is “living”?) in The Fort. Must to look “purposeful”. – Tommy and Geoff arrived in the late morning. Somebody on 139th donated yet another sofa for T7. I went with Geoff to get it. Lovely house with Mexican house-keeper… of course. But, as we drove to 149th, it hit me: I haven’t been out of Fort Tilden in almost a full week! I’ve been in The Fort and in the woods all this time! What’s making it a bit worse is I’m getting comfortable with it! My brain is coping with this as a some-what “long-term” situation. It’s as if I’m slipping out of reality and into some sort of oblivion… and I’m not fighting against it. On some level, it’s frightening. I need a haircut. I need a shave. I need clean clothes. I’m about to lose everything other than what I carry about. Maybe my brain has reached its end. Maybe I’ve finally snapped. I just don’t know for certain. – Meanwhile in spite of pain in my back (kidney?), I helped get the sofa into the truck. – Tommy has supplied me with cigs. all day and gave me money to get him 2 packs so we’d have all day. – Got back to The Fort, un-loaded the sofa. Tommy asked me what I want for lunch! Now people are feeding me. I’m at the bottom. No-where to go but up and sideways. He and I walked over to Kate’s, Roxbury. He got me a great sandwich! 5,99 dollars and I got a little tour of Roxbury, a new perspective of The Fort. – The sandwich, potato salad and chips were perfect! Food! Food! Food! It’s come to that. And my heart melts because of the help and sense of camaraderie. These people know so little of me yet, they offer what they can. I’m cursed by Creation and blessed by those around me. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. It makes living easier. It makes living more difficult. I just continue existing. Nothing more. Nothing less. – This evening, I helped paint the floor in T6. The only clothes I have are what I’m wearing, yet, I’m painting. But it was a distraction and, in that, a joy. – Tonight was the music of Moon Stage. Tonight, I felt a part of everything. In fact, tonight I felt OK about helping myself to beer. And, as I stood in the crowd, I looked around in the darkness and thought to my-self: I’m the only ONE in the crowed who knows this place best. I know it in the daylight. I know it in the darkness. I’m not afraid of it at night. A little sense of pride which led to… – The concert was over. Mat and I sat alone, on the back porch of T7. We talked about being Gay in Rockaway. He’s 20 and born/raised BC. He told of getting into sorts of relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable. I listened. I tried to give inspiration. I’m an old Gay man “fathering” a new generation. He told me he wanted to try an over-night in the dunes. I was exhausted and looking forward to sleep. But I offered the chance and he accepted. By 2h30 on Friday morning, we were on the dunes… FRI.22: Up and awake by about 6h this morning to the sun-rise. A restless 3 hours on the dunes. Mat was up and walking the beach as I told him to stay until the sun had the chance to take away night’s dampness and chill. The sea grass and we were damp with dew. Autumn is rushing in. My nights out here should be severely numbered to the few. – We got to T7 and I dozed in a chair. Mat took the wooden settee. When I woke a about 8h, I put on the water for the gardens JUST IN TIME! Geoff arrived about 8h30! Fate turned in my favour, Mat woke on time too. – Geoff stayed a bit, we talked, he left. Penelope came! NORMALCY RETURNED! Mat left for home. I watched him walk to the gate. I wonder what he made of the night. Nothing happened. I wonder what he thinks of it. (We slept, my arm over him. It was warm for a change. But… Nothing of any interest happened. Ah well. Not that I wanted anything of any interest to happen. He’s sweet, too young, not my type to-date. Still, a very sweet impressionable young man. Enough said.) – Tommy came and occupied time. Liz (Albert’s wife) came this morning and lingered… and lingered… and lingered. I didn’t speak. She didn’t either. She and Albert were at the concert last night and no words were spoken. I’m relieved. So today, I simply cleaned the back yard of T6. P. had gone out to get coffee and a donut for herself and me. She offered to share her coffee with Liz and, of course, Liz accepted. Mooch! I grabbed my donut and finished it quickly. Meanwhile, Tommy busied himself power-washing the front porch of T7. – WELL, AS IT WOULD GO TODAY, MY BALANCE IN THE PAYROLL ACCOUNT IS NEGATIVE TWENTY DOLLARS! HOW! I HAVE NO IDEA! FROM 71 CENTS TO NEGATIVE TWENTY DOLLARS! AND ON THE DAY WHEN I NEED THE MONEY! EDLYNE CLAIMS IT’S TROUBLE WITH THE BANQUE AND NOBODY GOT PAID. HSBC, SHE SAYS. I DON’T CARE. I WANT MY MONEY! NOW! FK ME FK ME FK ME! So here I sit, looking forward to more time in the woods and closer still, to losing everything at the hotel. Little by little I go to nothing, nothing, nothing. – But, at about 15h, I grabbed the shower. It’s 16h31. I’m clean. My bowels are trying to clean me out. But I’m clean. – NEGATIVE TWENTY ONE DOLLARS AND TWENTY-NINE CENTS! At 16h32. FK FK FK! And it’s Friday! I just don’t understand it. Alone in the back of T6, broke, homeless, hungry. Is there a reason? No. Not really. It just is and I have to handle it. But my horoscope says that my “time to shine” is coming. Death. And my art-work will be worth a fortune. That will be it. For now? To occupy some time before going to my little tree in the Bakfort for the night. I’m sketching on a blank page in my little pad. – (recording Sat. 18h54 in T6) As I got up to close T6 Christen and Matt came by en route to T7 where they were going to sit a while before going to the show at T4. I wasn’t feeling like being alone and truly not looking forward to being in The Fort tonight so I went to sit with them a while. As we sat, Tommy came with a case of wine, some sliced sausage, cheese and bread. The night began! Tony came to join. Albert’s Liz invited herself. The talking went on and on into the night, through to the early hours of morning. At peak, there were about 8 people talking about just anything and everything, and drinking wine. I even had some wine. As the night went on, people began leaving and some of us grew exhausted. I have no idea what time it was when I covered Christen on a settee on the back porch but that’s when it was decided that the remainders would take a sofa for the night in T7. Tommy put out the lights. Matt, he and I took a sofa for the night. I was thrilled to spend a night inside for a change. It was too late to go out to the Bakfort and I wasn’t looking forward to being cold and wet in the dew again. – Frighteningly, I laid on the sofa, not at all comfortable. I actually WANTED to sleep out-doors! Being “confined” in a building bothered me! I’d been sleeping in the woods for a week and it seems I’m snapping and slipping away from civilisation! It terrifies me, even now as I journal this. But, I gave in to the anxiety and headed out into the back yard to the bench by T8, went to set up my blankets and such AND BROKE THE ZIP ON MY “BRIGHTON” BAG in the dark! Now THINGS ARE TURLY BEGINNING TO FALL COMPLETELY APART! Still, I set the blankets up and tried for comfort. As I dozed off, the sound of a coon woke me. She was at the bench. I lifted my head and said: Fk-off you! I’m staying here tonight whether you like it or not!” and tried to drift off. Moments later, I was so bloody cold, I just got up, gathered my covers and went right back inside, fumbled in the dark to find an empty sofa and threw myself on one, terribly soft, uncomfortable sofa. But, I was chilled through, exhausted and in a warm building. I laid down and went to sleep. SAT.23 It’s 19h20 The clock shows 25 degrees in here. I’m in T6, radio playing CBS-FM. I’m feeling like sht. Headache. Fatigued. Unsettled stomach. Everything in and about me is hoping to be able to stay the night. It’s been a terrible day. – We all woke at about 7h this morning. I came over to T6 to make coffee. Geoff was already here. A group from the Mormons were due to arrive at 8h to do some work around the place for 3 hours. I was tired, fatigued, out of sorts, in no mood for much of anything. The sun was hot. But I just pushed myself through. Eventually Christen went for Dunkin Donuts. (They ate them. I had a few “holes”.) I cleaned the back yard of T6 and tried to fix the broken zip on the “Brighton” bag (and I’ve failed) for most of the day. Penelope came. There was a lot of noise all over the place! P. sculpting, the work crew banging, people moving all around. I took Matt out to the Bakfort in search of beach plumbs. We found several little bushes out by the fresh water pond. Brought some back. – All I wanted to do is find a shady place in which to sleep, but tried for same bench I tried to sleep on last night. It was in too much sun. – 14h and everybody (Tommy, Christen, Matt and Tony) left for a day on the Dragon Boat. They’d eaten lunch on the front porch of T7. I wasn’t invited. I didn’t invite myself. So, when they left, I came in to T6 to sketch and be with Penelope. – I NEED to cut my hair! I NEED to wash my clothes (even though P. says I’m amazingly clean. You’d never know I’d been in these clothes, in the dunes, the woods, painting, etc every day for a week!) I also NEED to wash the sheets I’ve been sleeping on. – So at about 17h, P. took off, leaving me to lock up and “do what you do”. The breeze in the parking lot was chilly. When I mentioned going out to the Bakfort, she said “Don’t go back there tonight. You need to stay inside tonight. Stay right there. By now they all know your situation and I don’t think anybody would say anything.” I reminded her that the crew was out on the boat and would probably be back around 2h Sunday morning. She just said “So?” We left it at that. Now, at 19h44, the sun is setting, I ache. I’m trying to figure whether or not I should stay. I‘m thinking that I could just tell the truth about not feeling well enough to traipse out to the woods, needing the loo, etc. After all, is there really any harm in being here? – NOTE: I’m sick about losing what was left at the hotel. I’m sick about not being able to get it because I have NO money. I can’t call because I have no time on the phone. I’ve got ONE fare on my MetroCard. The coming week-end is Labour Day. I won’t be able to find a room out here. I just have so much running through my head that’s making me physically sick! – The rubber band on my bottom teeth needs replacing too now. – OF INTREST: This morning Tommy asked me how I am with talking to Albert’s Liz. She and I spoke about The Fort last night. I said I have no intention of being friendly with her and he told me “She’s a hole and if you fall into it you’ll never get out! That whole family’s no good.” Emily, the daughter, did some work for RAA a while ago and tried to collect unemployment. When she couldn’t, it went to the Labour Board. It cost RAA thousands! Lately, Apryl, the sister, has used T7 for band rehearsal, giving no notice, no fee, and has billed her band for some fete being held at RAA. Unilateral decisions. So, I’m being protected, in a sort of way, from being further injured by them. So maybe there will be some sympathy and compassion if I’m discovered here tonight. I don’t know. Right now, as I write, I’m feeling so awful, it’ll be worth being discovered. It’s a chilly night. The sky is a bit grey. It’s 20h04. There are people going to T4. I just need to look “not too comfortable” if somebody comes during the night. But I’ll make me as comfortable as possible other-wise. I just wish I knew if anybody will come in. When the day on the boat is done, they have to come back here. Tony’s car is here. Somebody might want to use the loo. I could opt for trying to climb into T7 at some point. But that would have to be much later because there are people outside now… I don’t want to “break in” any-where and ruin any trust I’ve earned… I’d have to climb out in the morning so as not to unlock any doors… I’d have to find a place to sleep other than a sofa… too involved. Best to stay here and risk what-ever. THE END BEGINS SUN.24 6h44 A difficult night into a difficult morning. The sun is just rising over a bank of clouds. Finally! Light. I woke at 5h59. Car doors out side. I have no idea what’s out there. – Last night, sleep by 20h20 or so. Up at 22h59. Congested. Sneezing. Difficult breathing. Coughed. Cleared. Returned to the table to sleep. 1h57 this morning. More congestion and sneezing. But it was warm enough to sleep under a doubled sea-sheet comfortably. THAT was most important to me. (It’s 24 degrees as I write this.) But (But. But. But!) just now, feeling a bit clammy. Tired. Dirty. Have cleaned my teeth, had coffee, finished the half cig. from last night. Just waiting for a “good” hour to turn the water on for the gardens. Then I’ll know more of the out-side world. – At approx. 6h20, a woman dressed in red sweat-shirt, black slacks, sports bag on one shoulder, JandR bag in hand walking across parking lot. Homeless too? – 6h45 and a car out front. I don’t know… – 7h20 The gardens are being watered. I’m just throwing all caution to the wind. I’m tired of all the bull-sht. When I got out to the front of the building, the parking lot was EMPTY! The RAA/Dragon Boat crew had come and gone as I slept. There. It’s done. At least I slept in shelter last night. – NOTE for this morning: I need to bathe today: arm pits. It was bound to happen eventually. – (7h50) It occurred to me over-night that this would have been my check-out week-end, had I been at the hotel. I would have had to be out on Friday morning until Monday morning. Isn’t that just a fk in the ear? (18h27 – T6) Simply given up on all the formalities of hiding, opened the back door, turned the radio on. Come what may. I went out to turn the water on for the gardens at about 8h and – never mind. I got that “empty parking lot” in. What I learnt much later in the day is that they’d all left at 9h30 last night. They came, took their cars and were gone as I dozed! My existence is constant torture. Just constant torture. I can’t really know if/when somebody will decide to drop by, for what reason, for how long. And even though Geoff and Tommy have been in dire straights in their own lives, I don’t know that they’d be compassionate, kind, understanding about providing a bit of shelter for the night… even tonight when the forecast is RAIN! (I shouldn’t complain about rain tonight. I’ve had a clear week all along. Rain is due. Rain is the match for my existence!) On that venue, I’m in and out of just staying here and if somebody comes in, simply being boldly honest about needing to go to JCCRP in the morning and needing a sheltered night’s sleep tonight. I asked P. what might happen if I’m “discovered”. She said “I just don’t want you in a position to be told not to ever do that again.” Neither do I. but, for now, it’s a risk I’ll have to take. As it is, my lungs are filling with mucous. I’ve slept in cold and wet. Rain will only make me ill, not dead. I’ll just have to do this and give it a try. Worse comes to worst? I still have my arsenal… my way out of it all. – So the day: Very calm. Very relaxed for the most part. The guys came to get some sound equipment for a concert at Riis this evening. Penelope and I took a walk over at 16h and stayed a bit. She was going to leave me there and I reminded her that I’d left my belongings in T6. Ah. So we left together and walked back. As she was leaving, she gave me cigs. for the night and said “Just in case… you CAN’T stay out all night.” The key. She IS an aware person with genuine good feelings and intentions. I just wonder: As much as she professes to love Tommy, she didn’t offer a space in her home when he was in need. (Though I’m to understand that her entire house is as it was when she lost her family. It’s a shrine to them.) For me, she brings coffee and some food. But she won’t intervene or offer shelter. Well. She has her reasons and I’m certain that she does what she can. – So it’s 19h05. I’ve no idea when the concert will end. I’ve no idea if the crew will find cause to hang out after, use the loo, what-ever. I don’t WANT the confrontation but tonight it’s important to get a sheltered sleep. So? So. – One note! I hate coughing in here! It’s empty. It echoes. It’s not sound-proof. My coughs can probably be heard in the parking lot! – I’m going out back for a while. A smoke. A sketch. It’s windy out there! It’s 25,5 degrees in here. (6h57 Mon. T7 porch) I stood in the window of T6, looking out on the parking lot of T4 for the longest while, uneasy, watching the RTC cars leave, watching other cars come and go. Uneasy tonight. I knew the concert crew had to return and would probably stop at T6 for some reason. I KNEW! I WAS RIGHT! With the remaining sun-light I moved a chair to the window to sketch. At about 20h20, the door flew open! It was Tommy. I waved. He didn’t come in. He asked “When are you leaving?” “I don’t know. I’m just finishing this sketch.” He left. I couldn’t sketch. Uneasy. I took to standing at the window again, trying to work out where to go and what to bring, even for a few hours into the night. At about 21h20, I went out to back door to check on T7. Lights on. Apryl and Jan were sitting on the back porch! If I headed into the Bakfort now, I’d been seen. If I stayed in T6 and they came in I’d be nailed. I chanced staying a while longer, not knowing when the rains could come, not really knowing which way to go. I just waited, standing at the window. – Everybody at T4 was leaving. I thought I should go to Christen, ask her to phone Tommy to ask for some permission to stay. As I thought, she left. The parking lot was empty. Again, I ventured out, this time with the Brighton bag and an open garbage bag for some ground cover. T7 was dark and empty. I tried laying on a bench in the back yard, thinking I should stay there until at least midnight. It was relatively warm, a soft breeze, clear skies. I could stay on the bench for now and then go back to T6. I’d left the back door open. Then I thought about that woman this morning. What if she’s here and tries the door? If she goes in, what then? I went back in. it was well after 21h by now. I put the sheets on the table and decided to leave all of it to Fate… On cue, Fate rolled in on 18 wheels at top speed! I was just drifting off when the front door flew open, the lights flashed blaringly! Tommy walked in and then back out. Christen came in. I’d jumped from the table. “We were just talking about you.” Christen said to me. “Talking about me?” I asked. “I asked if you finally left that old woman you were staying with.” And she walked out too. Well. Here it was: Honesty and Sincerity time. I walked out the door. It was 22h10. No sign of rain. Tommy was on the phone, in front of T7. Christen was on a bleacher. I went out, into a situation of complete uncertainty. My head reeled with options and alternatives but wouldn’t stop at one long enough to come to any decision. There was a preying mantis at the door. I encouraged it out of the building then went over to Tommy to unload my truths about tonight and tomorrow. He looked burning angry but was calm. “If you’d been caught in there by anybody other than Geoff or me, it would be bad for you and Penelope. Her heart’s in the right place but she let you stay there after she left. Other people have the key to that building. If it had been John who walked in, it would have been his life. If Jan or Apryl caught you in there…” Then he said “You should’ve said something when I saw you in there earlier.” I told him I hadn’t decided to stay at that point AND ASSURED HIM THAT PENELOPE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. I STRESSED THT POINT. He and Christen went into T7 and I went into T6 to sketch and wait. A moment later, the door opened. “Yo.” I got up. Tommy said “I’m locking you in here for the night. Look. If this gets out, it will hurt Penelope. Please don’t hurt Penelope.” I ASSURED HIM I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING TO HARM HER. HE SHOOK MY HAND AND SAID “You’re good for the night.” I thanked him saying that this was more important to me than life. He replied “Life is more important.” And went back to T7. – I did the only thing that made any sense at that point: I went back to the table to sleep. I’ll need my strength tomorrow. I’ve only got a one-way fare (and money for the phone) and it’s a long walk to Mott, even when it’s fair weather. Tomorrow threatens RAIN! MON.25 7h57 22,5 degrees CLOUDY. T7 FRONT PORCH: I woke at 6h and sketched my rest time to 6h30. I SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH THE ENTIRE NIGHT LAST NIGHT! NO COUGHS! NO SNEEZES! NO PAIN! The sprinklers are on. It’s peaceful. A prelude to some sort of disappointment or disaster to come. No help from JCCRP no doubt. Penelope said she’s be here between 8h30 and 9h. I doubt it. But… – I’ve been sitting here since 6h57. A moment ago, I got up to move the sprinkler just as the Parks Police came by! The timing was impeccable. – I wonder if I have money in my account. (I doubt it.) No matter what, I’m going to try for some sort of housing today. The days are getting too, too short and the nights are getting too, too cold and wet. But if nothing comes of it today, this week, on a pleasant day, my art-work will become valuable and that “time to shine” mentioned in my horoscope will arrive. It’s “Obit Week”. This is enough! 5 days to 53. Time to check-out. Time to go, depart, to leave. Time to exit, get out, escape. Time to rest, relax, to sleep. Time to finish, to end, to close. Time to die. – It’s 8h11. I’m going to sketch a bit. More art-work for the vultures to pick on when I’m gone. – 16h14 Under the tree. Yes. 16h14 and under the tree already. The sky is clouding with only small breaks of sun. Penelope says the weather reports claim that the big storm that was expected has “passed us by” and “blown out to sea”. I think maybe she’s blown out to sea. – My kind and considerate days are done. My days of compassion are over. – MI got SOME pay today. 117 dollars! 20 dollars (22) for the phone. 8,50 cigs. Gone! 15 dollar MetroCard. Shot to hell. Went to JCCRP about shelter. Srully actually made some phone calls! Jacquie won’t see me until Wednesday. As it stands right now, I can go to E. 30th and 1st for some sort of intake into the homeless system, spend the night on the subway, spend the night in the Bakfort. How kind. How thoughtful. How considerate of the world. (I’m soaked with sweat tight now. Sitting on the black plastic, shoes off, trying not to cough, considering my “option” of the pills.) But, all said, I thank Leetha for finding the address for the Homeless Coalition (she told me she’d been there and they helped her tremendously) and I thank Srully for taking the time to make those calls. It wasn’t enough. But it was more than a “come back Wednesday”. (16h27 Three helicopters just flew by. Direction 116th Street. Great! They’ll be up and down the beach all bloody night now.) So, meanwhile, nothing was mentioned to me about last night. I told P. that I stressed that she had nothing to do with it. But while I was gone, the tongues wagged like lace in a hurricane. “They” (Tommy and Geoff) are “upset” with her because she didn’t lock up. How many times was I there, alone, and Geoff said I could hang out and lock up?!? So the blame goes to P. And to me she says I “should make (myself) scarce around here.” During the day is OK. But not after she leaves. Says P.: “My ass is on the line and that upsets me.: So, it might be cutting my own nose off to spite my face, but I’ve had enough of these childish pranks at the RAA. They’ve done nothing to “promote” anybody but themselves. They throw tantrums because they’re chaotic, undisciplined. The blame one another and each other for misgivings and wrong-doings. (I’m being hovered over by a helicopter at 16h41!) And, in this event, they’re pitting P. against me. I simply told her that I’ve had enough and today, I say “Good-bye”. She said that she understands that I’m upset about today but that I should come back. “We’ll be here for you.” Right. Like you’ve been here for me all along. I packed my things and came out to the tree. – I rang Edlyne and Nancy to say I’m available. Edlyne was distant. Nancy said we’ll keep in touch. Christen said she’d bring scrubs at 19h30 tonight. Unless I get hit with intelligence between now and 19h and take my “Option”, I’ll go to T4 at 19h, gather the scrubs and ride the subway until the 99-cent Limit opens tomorrow. Toothbrush, toothpaste, coffee and deodorant (and shampoo). How I’ll sschlep it all is beyond me. What I’ll do about the things at RPH is beyond me too. But “essentials” are needed. – 16h50 and one military helicopter is just leaving after hovering at about 169th Street all this while. Now. Maybe I can nap until 19h? I’m exhausted. Thought of going to the building behind Battery Kessler but I’m too tired for all that walking. Temp. has gone from 27 to 16 but it’s muggy. I believe my plan to go to T4 and the subway is best for now. 12 hours on the subway and a day at Brighton Beach. OK. – 18h20 on the beach at Hero Road. 4 other people here. The ocean is absolutely swimmable! I’m thirsty. P. phoned at 17h01. Christen brought the scrubs. They’re in T6! “Please cal me.” Says P. Why bother? Say I. – Overcast to the open sea. The sun is breaking through to the west. A breeze but the sun is hot. I rested under the tree for a little. Sand flies are coming. Where will I go for the night tonight? Bakfort or subway or shelter. I fear the shelter. Theft. Fighting. Having to leave in the middle of the night. I’m thirsty. Maybe I’ll just go to the Fort restrooms for water then decide. My feet hurt. 5 more people have arrived. It would be nice to pass the night on the dunes. I’d like to be outside. Why? I’m slipping into Homelessness. I’m so thirsty. And I’m tired. The scrubs will be heavy. More to carry. Maybe tonight, on the dunes, my “Option”. – (TUE. 7h28 on the beach, in the sun. 19 degrees) I got my water. A long, slow walk. I’m slowing down now. Saw Tony and Tommy heading into T6. Nobody outside T4. I went to T6. Tony came out. “What’s up man?” he called. “You seen Christen?” “No. Not yet.” Some talk about 19h30 and he went inside. It was 19h16. I had a cigarette. Other RAA people began to arrive. Meeting. By about 19h25 I headed back to the tree for the night. By darkness, I was down for the night. It was very warm and the doubled black cloth was very, very warm. I was set. TUE.26 7h38 19 Degrees: The black cloth doubled did keep me quite comfortable through the night. When I woke at about 1h18, it was something around 16 degrees. I was a little chilly but able to go back to sleep, in spite of my panic when the sky looked overcast. It looked like rain was coming. But soon, I saw 2 stars and dozed off again. – Somebody was racing and screeching tyres in the parking lot at about 1h30 or so. Loud. I was glad to be in the Bakfort and not at T6 this time…. in case of a crash. But, I went back to sleep. – I’m thinking the temperature must have been down to near 10 degrees during the night. It’s getting too cold for being out all night. The thought of a shelter scares the sht out of me. But it doesn’t seem to be much of a choice. Funny: sleeping on the ground, in the shrubs, under a tree feels safer than in-doors in a protected shelter. But today, I’m going to give “the shelter system” a try. If they start confiscating things, it’s done. No shelter! Yesterday, Srully said I should be eligible for inexpensive housing. Again! The “should be” but no direction, instruction, information on how to get there. It’s always half-assed. Well? – The entire zip part of the Brighton back is now off. Ripped as I packed-up this morning. All is beginning to fall apart. I’m beginning to look soiled. I’m beginning to smell homeless. = On my way out to the beach this morning I thought: The whole Summer could be seen as an exciting story. One pay-cheque and into a hotel. Working on the peninsula. Being with artists on a defunct military base. Dropping into homelessness. Sleeping on the dunes and on the ground under the tree. Ah, to spin this into a play! – There just might be something to that. This morning I saw what’s been rumbling in my chest this week past. It’s thick, green, almost ball-like globs of heavy mucous. I coughed it up, spat it out and it drops to the ground, almost keeping some form. From the nose, all is clear. From the lungs there’s signs of infection. – Well. 8h11 and we’re up to 20,5 degrees. I’ve been alone on this beach. It’s wonderful here. I don’t want to leave… not to a shelter… not to move… not to leave. So much I’ve hoped to accomplish here. Look. I’m at the complete opposite end! What happened? What the bloody fk happened? – At about 9h I left the beach, walked out past T6 and 4 to the gate and boarded the Q35 to Brooklyn. I was going to my 99-cent store no matter what this or the next day holds! And, I was going to see Brighton again… no matter what! And so I did. I got coffee, shampoo, a deodorant spray, toothbrush and toothpaste. Why? Because I’m an idiot. That’ why. No place to shower, need a damned home and work, but I’ve got my little toiletries. Oh well. (By the way, it’s 1h54 on Wednesday as I write this from the bed in Peninsula Hospital.) So. with toiletries in bag and bags weighing me down to the point of pain, on to the 68 bus to Brighton Beach and for rubber bands for my teeth. I haven’t brushed my teeth in 12 days and the band is stretched. So I need to scrub the teeth and change the band. What a pain in the arse! those little rubber bands. BUT I found CLEAR at NY Apteka (2,59 dollars for 75). Great! I can be found dead on the beach with no tell-tale rubber band on my teeth. Lovely! Super! Just brilliant! Right. Off to the boards to FINALLY make coffee at the Ocean Parkway water fountains. Sat on the bench, looking across the water, the very calm, quiet water to Breezy, Rock Point, Roxbury and, of course, Ft. Tilden. The distance from Brighton to Breezy is almost negligible. The bay is so small and the water at Brighton truly is calm, compared to Tilden. It was a happy time to return to Brighton this morning. I’m still quite comfortable here. But it was almost sad to see the little beach at the little water, so calm, so docile. I remembered when Brighton was “ocean” to me. – (8h02 Wednesday PENINSULAR ROOM 308) I remembered when I thought on Brighton as “Home” because in Brighton, I had Peace. This morning, again, in Brighton I had Peace. But so much has changed. – I turned on the cell for a bit. Another message from Penelope, using Tommy’s phone! I sat at Seaside Park, in the shade then decided to go back to T6, get scrubs (since Christen was sweet enough to bring them, and I could decided what else to do with my existence from there. Of course now, with the stuff from the 99-cent store and the fact that the sun was up full, carrying the backpack and Brighton bag became almost impossible! It actually hurt to bear the weight. And my lungs wouldn’t take in any oxygen. I felt I was being crushed just waiting for the bus. I prayed I could simply crumble to the ground. Coney Island Hospital: home for the night. But, no such luck and all the connections were almost instant. By about 14h or so, I was walking (slowly) back through the gates of Tilden, angry, pissed-off, tired, exhausted! I got the scrubs. Took 2 sets actually (blue and teal). Spoke as nicely as I could (considering the events of Sunday and Monday). I asked Tommy, directly, about being “scarce”. He said “Maybe that’s the way SHE feels. You’re a member. You’re an artist. You’re just not an artist-in-residence.” So, there we have it. I jotted a Thank You note to Christen, put it into the bag with the remaining scrubs and was going to leave all in T6 but she was in T4. I opted to bring the bag and thank her in person. – Meanwhile, figuring I’d head to the intake centre for the Homeless and didn’t want to schlep so fking much any more, I broke down what I only needed to sleep in the Fort, put it all in a black garbage bag, put the bag in a tool-shed behind T6 and, with considerable less to weigh me down, a cold and crude “Be well” from Penelope (she truly is spaced… just as clueless as she can be and yet breathe), I left out the back gate of T6, strolled heavily to T4, gave scrubs and thanks to Christen, spoke briefly then left with little more than “Ciao”. It’s not so much a feeling of uneasiness around them now because I see them as rather childish, infantile, sophomoric (from P, through G. and T. et al) but today, somehow, I TRULY DID NOT have ANY energy left in my body for any more anything. The coughing fits and hot flashes all night. Then the bloody cold and wet. These people all around me just letting it all go, letting me drift off into my Homelessness and not caring. Then, the weight of my backpack and the weight of the world all just CRUSHED ME! I walked out the gate of Tilden, boarded the Q22 and, en route to yet undecided destination, decided to at least find out what the hell is going on with this body (and maybe push Medicaid even harder?) and so, B116th passed, B67 passed and there was the sign: “EMERGENCY”. Peninsula Hospital, here I am. I’ve heard horrors. But the Benjamins didn’t seem to mind it. What’s the worst that can happen? They find nothing and toss me out in the middle of the night. I’ll be on the A train until dawn. OK. Let’s go. – In the door at 16h04. Chest pain, SOB, no energy. On a stretcher by about 16h30, of course, blood work, hep lock. The questions about residence. (158 B 116) and insurance (they didn’t like “Medicaid pending” so I threw in a might possible 1199. The attitude changed.) Then wait and wait and wait in the ER until… The labs came. Imagine THIS: PLATELETS S/B BET. 150 AND 400. MINE? 50! NO SHT. NO CLOT. POTENTIAL BLEEDER HERE AND OF ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD TO BE DX? THROMBOCYTOPENIA!!!!! I USED TO LUV THAT WORD AND NOW? BINGO! I’VE GOT IT! Dr. Makkar and I got a bit of a chuckle about it and then he said that he’d like to admit me, at least over-night, monitor the chest pains and confirm the THROMBOCYPTPENIA. “Inside” for the night. Blessing or curse? The next doctor to examine me (Russian) asked a lot of personal questions INCLUDING sexual orientation (none x approx. 20 years) but EXCLUDED religion. Not that I’ve anything to hide but I just found it intrusive. I can understand they might need to know a lot of such things, but between him NOT identifying himself and most of the staff doing that, I just needed a little control over my failing body and the situation around me. – Well, I kept looking at the clock. I’m used to being asleep at sundown! The ER became loud. Even the staff. At 22h I tried for a snooze. Nope. More blood. Then tags and such and off to the 3rd floor for the night – Well Penelope? You got your demand for a while. I’m a long way from your precious RAA now. THE PENINSULA DAYS WED. 27. 9h53: Peninsula Hospital Room 308. Not much sleep last night. In the room by about 1 or 2h Proventil/O2 at 5h followed by Heparin IM. Sun-rise. Breakfast. Housekeeping. Me keeping. I slept in my jeans and socks. I’m nodding as I write. I’m cleanish. Used the 99-cent stuff. Brushed my teeth! But I see I’m dehydrated. Face and arms very dry. Well, well. No shower Monday, Tuesday, now Wednesday. Washed but not showered and looking none the worse. – Breakfast is for cardiac. Low salt, low fat. Decaf coffee. I ate everything. – Need to nap. Need to talk with an SW r/t D/C to? 13h28 Have finished lunch. The most sensitive female Russian doctor came in to examine me this morning. (Klemanova) compassionate. Kind. Attentive. She got me Ensure TID. She had a student with her. A Muslim woman. During the examination, the student told me that the thrombocytopenia was ruled out and the Dx is (MAMA?) EMPHYSEMA! When she asked if I had any immediate problems I told her I was used to being asleep early, the admission was late and the activities during the night have left me exhausted. As she left the room she looked back and whispered “Sleep”. Soon, a cardiologist came in. more heavy breathing. He’s ruling out coronary and recommending a Nuclear Stress Test, out-pt. – 13h53 I’m off telemetry. The nurse who took me off asked me if I know why I’m off. I said it’s because of the Dx Emphysema. She mentioned something about insurance and COPD being used to get paid. She also said something about me having no complaints since I got here. Meanwhile, my head SPINS when I cough, my limbs are achy, my eyes focus as if through fever. And the man across the hall keeps yelling for a nurse and Jesus Christ. And I asked to speak with a Rabbi and all that was done was messages were left. I see me freezing on the subway tonight. It’s already too late to get to Jacquie at JCCRP. – Meanwhile, half of them should know even half the pain I’m lying here quietly enduring. Even just the physical pain… – So I got IV antibiotics, a thing of Advair. I’ll probably be out right after sun-set. Ah well. 53 years old, minus 33 (1933) is 20 years. 2008 minus 1988 is 20 years. These people keep telling me I’m 52. Maybe I have to wait until Saturday to get out of this “life”. 3 more days. Can I manage? I don’t know. I just don’t know. – 14h37 I want, so much, to close my eyes and rest. But I’m afraid I’ll be awakened by being shoved out the door. (20h06) Just woke. Sweating. A bit hungry. Right arm pit smells of arm pit and that deodorant/body spray I got at the 99-cent store. I need to wash again. I just need to wash all of me: clothes and the whole thing. – Nurse Rose came in earlier to give me IV meds. She said I’ll have an echocardiogramme tomorrow just to make sure the pulmonary has nothing to do with the cardio. They’re thinking CHF. Mom had a touch before the CA Dx. Anyway. I’m here for another night. – Two NA’s came in for vitals. One noticed my journal and the writing. People are amazed by the size of the writing. This led into my sketch-book. Believe it or not, I now have one person who wants a repro, in paint, of the Ann Murray photo of Ft. Tilden. The yellow sun-set! Another one wants another large painting. (Me? I want a cigarette.) At one point, there were 3 NA’s in here. One asked where I’m from. She noticed “You have an English Canadian accents.” How odd. After all these years. – So my temp. was down to 97,6. Why the sweats and chills then? I’ve washed the foul odours away and am back in bed. Tired? Depressed? Hungry. Yes. It’s 20h59. I’m less congested. Discharge on a holiday week-end to go… I must talk with a Social Worker tomorrow. Immediately! (I just thought: Midnight is 24 hours here. One whole day. Or: 16h was the first 24 hours. I came in only yesterday.) – Watching the Far Rock A going by makes me think: I’ll be living on it before too long. I can’t get over the frequency of them, even at this hour! Where do they all disappear to? When one waits in The City, it’s an eternity between trains. Outside the window here, it’s only moments. – OK. I’m feeling weak. A nap, perhaps. – (By the way: A funny. I’ve been swallowing half cigs. Today and the tobacco is coming through in my stool. If this place wants a sample, how odd will they find that? – This Nurse, Tommy, is on the mark. He’s holding the Heparin SQ since it makes no sense for an r/o thrombocytopenia (bleeder?) to get Heparin. (He’s also good for the eyes, ear and only 51.) Most important, he’s caring, concerned, compassionate. A real mensch! – I lucked out tonight. The Respiratory Therapist was really down to earth. She saw a sketch of mine and said “That’s beautiful! You’re as good as me!” and she smiled. We had a fun chat while I had the Proventil. Good people on the shift this time. – Tommy tells me that with the Solumedrol they’re giving me now, I have to be on it for a couple of days and then put on Prednisone before Tx stops. I wonder if that’s how it will go or will I be a “test patient” and simply tossed when their “learning service” is done with me. Does it matter? No. Not in the least. If what they do to me here causes more pain, I’m happy to go at the age of 53. THU.28 5h47 20 YEARS AGO ALREADY. 20 YEARS… If I just lay back and close my eyes, will you come for me this morning? Or is all of that simply more bull-sht we’re fed over the span of our lives? Lives! Lives? What exactly is “Living”? Some miserable joke to punish those of us who are cursed with it and by it. – The sky is becoming a morning lavender. There are 4 ships on the horizon facing the east, as if waiting to head right into the rising sun. 5h58 Dawn is coming. It’s 22 degrees in this room. Would it really make any difference if I didn’t occupy this bed? Will it make any difference if I no longer occupy this space in this world? No. Not at all. – An A train passed. It took on the colour of the morning sky. – I don’t want to be in here today. I want to be out on the dunes or under my tree. I don’t want to be cold tonight. I don’t’ want to be cold and shivering. Never again. But I don’t want to be in here… or in anywhere, today. I want to be back out “there” to just be out “there”. 6h04 It goes from peaceful to painful here. Silence to “God help me!” The sky is becoming quite beautiful. The lights on the ships sparkle. “God help me” indeed. There is no God to help any of us. Why do you suppose you’re in here now? “God help me”. How can anybody be so stupid? I’m tired. Was still awake at 23h last night. A little shut eye. Let’s see how that works. – Nope. Respiratory. Good thing it’s the nice one from last night. Good people on a bad day. – 10h01 Echo-cardio this morning followed by a breakfast and a sponge-down in the loo. Pulmonologist came by. Med student. Cindi is the Nurse du jour. She’s SDA and loves talking religion. – The NA let me make my own bed this morning. They’re impressed with the job I’ve done. I’m given a few moments to smile with others today. Mom would like it that I can make other smile. She probably did the same. – 10h18 Cardiologist: “What are you still doing here?” Check the breathing. Don’t notice IV meds attached. – Time to think: Discharge. What next? It’s Thursday. JCCRP won’t be of any help tomorrow and I doubt Jacquie will be of any immediate help. So, it’s really quite simple: Out the door and into the shelter. – Perfect timing. Dr. just confirmed: DISCHARGE TOMORROW MORNING! FRIDAY! HOLIDAY! WEEK-END! OK. So, if not shelter, then subway. But for how long? Subway isn’t long-term. And, what about bathing? This is the end of Summer baths on the boards, water fountains, public loos. Even at this juncture, a social worker here won’t get me anywhere other than the public shelter system. So? No hope again today. It’s up and out and that’s all. Well. Maybe on Saturday I’ll have lovely beach weather and can sit out on the dunes and say… GOOD-BYE! My birthday gift to me. – 11h01 I called the Soc. Work office myself. Let’s see how long it will take this time. The hospital might as well know the whole truth no matter what. – 12h03 Some woman from Accounts came. 1199 Insurance doesn’t come up with my number. Imagine that. I told her it should be Medicaid. They don’t’ want to hear that. Dr. LARISA KLEYMENOVA said discharge will be tomorrow morning. I heard the woman from Accounts talking in the hall right after she left here. Somebody said “You HAD to ask…” the woman from Accounts mumbled something and another voice said “You can see right through them. Right?” So. No lunch has come. Me? I’m preparing to be launched out of here at any moment. Though, chances are, it won’t be until it’s dark (and cold) out. If that’s the case, it’ll be subway tonight, try JCCRP tomorrow followed by Shelter Intake or tomorrow, Homeless Coalition, the JCCRP. All I know is that I’m not looking forward to any of it and I don’t know why I’m even considering any of it. Just give me a good beach day and my place in the dunes. GOOD-BYE! – 14h14 I have a 243lb. room-mate now. Good sense of humour and looking to rest. Hopefully I won’t disturb him with my coffee – WHAT THE FK? Coffee? COUGHING! OK. Let’s move on… I just called the Social Workers’ office. Mary Ann (?) Is out of the building! Well, why the fk did she tell me she’d be back in an hour? I’m a bit pissed at this. But hey! Everyone else has been fantastic (or pretty damned close). And Dr. Russian-Iyor in the ER didn’t note anything derogatory in the records. So? I’m good. For now? I’m packed for tomorrow but certainly not prepared. Tomorrow, Fate gets another chance to kick me in the face. Do I dodge? How? Let’s see… – 18h43 Marianne DID come back. She took the matter in all seriousness and sincerity. Most of all, she was non-judgmental and didn’t promise anything more that she could offer. When I told her how much that meant to me, she blushed and said I was going to have her crying. She said she wished she could tell me of a studio immediately. Sh4e said she will call JCCRP in the morning and work with them and her own resources. She told me she will do all that she can and make no promises. Imagine? Another mensch. She admired my art work. Told me I have a wonderful sense of humour. Told me I’m handling the whole situation exceptionally well. I told her the truth: People like her help people like me cope. She sat with me for a very healthy hour. No telling what to expect from this but it just made my burden a little lighter, now that somebody outside the milieu knows the fact. – As I wrote this, a clergy man came into the room to say a prayer over my room-mate. Mr. Bailey! I put in 3 requests for a Rabbi and get nothing. But the Christian support is there, on the spot. It’s rather interesting. Though I must admit: Marianne came after I called directly. I requested the Rabbi via the staff. – So, here it is 19h14 AND MY NECK IS CHAVED! Cyndi (Nurse) got me a razor (not the newer, but the old model, in white plastic). My neck bled like crazy. Thank goodness I haven’t taken Heparin in a while. But I can’t find my nail file! Oh well. All this travel. Something had to go missing (beside my sanity). – It’s been a very quiet day today. I’m hoping for sleep tonight to be ready to hit where-ever tomorrow morning. Ah… for a cigarette and non-de0caf coffee! My hopes are simple. – And so, 21h13. No meds. No “treatment”. Nothing. Cindi brought be ONE aspirin and ONE multivitamin. So this is “discharging”. Cut it all abruptly and out. Well, I’m only upset about it because I could be trying for sleep. But I did another small sketch from a cell-phone picture. Anyway, I’m nervous as all hell about tomorrow. No-where in particular to go. 86 dollars in the banque (at least I believe it’s that much), no idea what the weather is going to be for the week-end. No certainties other than all of the uncertainties and me in the centre of them all. – Now I know there’s no life after this one. My Mama would never have allowed all of this to come to this point. I still have my “Option”. I’m thinking Saturday… Happy Birthday to me! – But for now, 21h20, time to try for some rest. Mr. B. has been sleeping soundly and flatulating all evening. May he continue his sleep through the night. FRI. 29. 6h40 A night f almost NO SLEEP AT ALL to make being discharged to Homelessness more attractive than staying here even another day. The guy across the hall yelled and hollered. My Mr. B. got up to pee, slamming into everything. He turned the air conditioner off completely. I slept in such a sweat that I actually HAD to wash-down this morning! (Though, from the odour in my socks, you wouldn’t know I’ve bathed. But I’ll hopefully take care of that today…) – It’s rather off: I have no idea what the current weather is because the drape between the beds is drawn and the blind on the window pulled. I have no idea what weather is to come. And weather is about the most important thing I need to know… especially now. But, if I think about it, it (the weather) really doesn’t matter. It will be as it will no matter what. I just need to get out of here, clean my clothes, sleep in peace somewhere, wake to coffee and cig. – I’m not ungrateful for every-thing these people do. I’m just felling better and it’s time to go. – 13h15 I was reviewing the discharge meds with Cynthia when Marianne came back into the room saying we needed to put the breaks on the discharge talk. Seems there’s a law: I came in via ER and was admitted. Since the hospital knows that I’m homeless, it cannot, by law, release me. Marianne must now file a shelter application for me. I said I don’t want to sponge off the hospital. She assured me that I’m not. When I asked her what she would do in my place she said: “Unpack your pencils.” Then added “You’ve got a guaranteed roof for the next couple of days.” There isn’t anything I could do for Saturday, Sunday and Monday anyway. I don’t particularly LIKE this situation because I’m now trapped INSIDE (not OUTSIDE like all along) for the duration. I can’t go outside the building! Mr. B. has the a/c off and blinds pulled. It’s hot in here. Not comfy. But, on the other hand, no concerns about rain or cold night. I have wasted 25 dollars on a MetroCard (I’ll see if anybody else can use it and give it to them). But I won’t have to ride the rails, through the tunnels, screeching wheels, loud brat children. I won’t have to roam about, plotting where to lay down at night and I won’t be hanging around RAA property. Penelope gets her demand: I’m scarce. Still, strangely, there’s a part of me that wants and needs to get OUT. I think the Homeless thing kicked-in. Now I know why homeless people stay that way and reject shelters. – 13h32 I could fallback to sleep now. I don’t want to. Don’t want to appear lazy. Truthfully, there’s nothing I can do around here. Not under the law. Still, sitting or lying about isn’t going to get it. Especially for 3,5 more days (at least). I’ll need to work on a routine. I just wish I knew if they were moving me off the Telemetry Unit. I could wash my sox and undies if not. – Well, I no sooner got that line down and it all came round. Dinner arrived (PORK!!!) and the guy from Transport. I’m off to 2N (as if that means anything to me. So, I got to finish eating and the next thing, I’m out in the hall. The farewell at the Nurses’ station wasn’t as friendly as the atmosphere had been all along. When Dr. Kleymenova came in to check on Mr. Bailey, she walked past me. “Hello.” (blunt). On her way out she made a point of stopping to mention, to my face, “You have no place to go.” How lovely for her to be in a position in MY country of origin, to be so opinionated. Enough said. Cynthia told me she got me a room with somebody nice. I just wonder why/if these people take this personally. Seems Marianne is the only one who has a clue. – 257A I think. Room-mate out on dialysis when I arrived at approx. 16h or so. The room? Typical Med/Surg: clean but not meant for comfort. Small closet. I have no bed table. But, I have a bed, walls, ceiling, floor. I’m not wondering where to go for dry and warm. I’m not hiding from helicopters or pompous artists. I may be an out-cast but I’m not an out-law (yet?). And, I’m thankful for this much. – When I went down the hall to get a bed-gown, a young woman greeted me: “How are you doing, my friend?” As she gave me the gown she said “You’ll be OK here until they find someplace nice for you.” I asked how many knew. “I’m you Nurse, Sasha. I got the information in the report. But nobody knows your business.” We’ll see. But she’s sweet and I hope we’ll got on well. – So, I’m not in a mood to settle-in. But I did manage to wash, under shorts. Believe it or not, even after being worn 15 days, they’re almost perfectly clean! Item one done. Sox next. Little steps in some direction. – There’s a woman down the hall who just moans with every aspiration. Of course, there must be some Hell to all of this. The staff is generally loud. I can see me trying to sleep my way through all of this. – Room-mate came in. I don’t know what time. I was in “trying to sleep” mode. Young, well-spoken, Black (the TV was on Ch.13 when I got here.) I dozed in and out, on and off. SAT.30. 7h45 IT’S RAINING THIS MORNING. EXPECTED TO RAIN ALL DAY. I WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT THERE LAST NIGHT, THIS MORNING. THIS IS STRANGE. BUT I’M NOT FORGETTING MY “OPTION”. – MEANWHILE… restless sleep last night. DID wash my sox this morning. Brushed my teeth too. Need to file my nails. Need to wash my clothes. Nothing can be done for 3 days now. A blessing and a curse. – I’m antsy. Want out. Right now the only reason I’m staying is because of the kindness of Marianne. – RAIN. ALL THOSE FAIR WEATHER DAYS AS I SLEPT THE BAKFORT. Image? – 11h40 Mary Beth from the Hosp. Soc. Svces. office came by this morning to ask questions. She’s completing the shelter application. A bit of news that comes as no surprise to me: When work comes and I take it, I leave here to go to work and I’m out, OUT of here. No coming back. And, it will, most likely be filed as “AMA”. No further responsibility. Completely on my own. Let’s face it, This situation is horrible right now, but where will you be going at night? – Now, come to find out, my room-mate’s housing is hanging by a thread! He’s on eviction from the Hammels! So, it looks like we’ve been slapped together by the fates, to, if nothing more or less, give some sort of support. I wish I had the energy to give support. But, no matter what, I figure I’ll provide something, somehow. it’s what I do. – 12h25 Jackson’s MD is in. They’re talking surgery and J. wants it done at Mt. Sinai. And he wants to be out of here by Monday. BUT he’s being treated for some infection (in the blood stream). Why am I noting this? I don’t know, really. What I’d like to do is have a cigarette, a walk, a breath of fresh air. Some freedom, liberty, dignity. What I need to do is carefully weigh the situation as it is, for what it is, what it has to offer and most seriously, weigh alternatives. It’s not easy now, but is this a gift? THE chance to stop the falling? Is it temporary relief? Is it a reprieve, a respite? Is it a moment to regroup, get strength to head back out there? I’ve always told my patients that, if they’ve spent their lives doing for and never allowing others to do for them, life can come along, slap them down, and here, in a hospital bed, is how they’re forced into taking time to relax. It’s difficult, but I’m trying to accept my own advice. Will I succeed? I don’t’ know. Will I try? Yes. If not for me, for Marianne. She’s taken a leap. I can’t throw away her efforts. – So, meanwhile, there’s going to be a psych eval coming! Oh! La! What fun! Let’s see what bias is brought into this session, what prejudice, what nonsense. I just keep in mind the fact that I most certainly can pick up a pen and write it all to a complete halt at any moment of my choosing. But, I’ll have to spend serious time considering the results. For now, lunch is done (13h10). Sasha brought it in, with a smile. “Hello my friend.” The good part of her addressing me the way she does is that she knows my situation and she’s treating me as a fellow human-being. It does me good. A semblance of my human dignity. – So, this is my 53rd birthday: in a hospital bed, homeless, booking into the shambles of a public shelter away from where I’d been so happy to have reached (Rockaway). Bouncing from one run-down shelter to another, on what? A daily basis? Yes, there’s a lot of serious thinking to be done. A LOT of SERIOUS thinking to be done and NOT a LOT of TIME in which to conclude. – I’ve got 4 cigarettes left. I’d truly luv to smoke one, at my leisure, but I can’t. It’s been, let’s see, almost 4 days since my last smoke. You know? I’ll chew half to celebrate my birthday. Then, perhaps, a nap. Then, more thinking, pondering… – Note: No calls from Penelope or Tommy. I left them on Tuesday afternoon. No word since. Nice to know I’m being thought of. – 17h32 The day is almost done. Dinner came and went. My last “Happy 53rd Birthday” note. The “birthday” is over. Jackson over-heard me asking for an emery board and called his wife to ask her to bring one from home. Then he apologized for eaves-dropping on me! Hey. Earlier, he needed 25 cents for his TV payment and I had it. I gave it. Why not? After dinner, he offered Entenmanns’s donuts. His wife (I think) is here. I should give them time together. They have each-other. – My jeans truly and seriously need to be washed. – I’m having my half cigarette. Just missing with saliva. I wish I could smoke just one. – I’ve been steady damp, sweating all day. I need to bathe. – 17h42 I had the phone on for 10 minutes. No signal but I get time and date. 3-bar charge. No messages. I very well could be dead. But I’m not. Not in a manner of speaking. – A thought came to mind earlier. Maybe it’s worth a jot here: My mom Loved her children. She worked hard to make sure they had the best of what she could give. She protected her children. Me? For as long as she could and for as long as she had to. Is it an injustice if I let the rest of the world destroy me? Must I survive because she did? – One thing I’m looking forward to is dumping a lot of the past into the lap of the psychiatrist coming for the consult. Maybe even ALL of it. I’m 53. I’ve been shoved into bring here. It’s time to get rid of the bags and see what happens. – Oddly ,I’m missing the dunes something awful! I’m actually home-sick for the tree. I’ve sketched it twice. I’m missing every bit of those days except the cold. If I could figure out how to dodge that, I know I’d go back. It’s interesting… I guess this is how the permanently homeless become that: You get it into your life, you learn, you adjust, you fall into it, it becomes you, you become it. The mystery and intrigue are gone. You see that you CAN live in basics and you see that it has its beauty and it’s not so horrible. Meanwhile, here you lie, on this bed, 24 hours, no breeze, no sun, no surf, no sand, no air. People coming and going and commenting and talking and, like tonight’s nurse comes in, sees me lying on the bed in my jeans and wants to know why I’m dressed and where I’m going. Hey! Let me out the door for 10 minutes a day THEN ask me questions. Stop my sweating, then talk. I only take up a bed. I don’t present any more work for anybody. I do all my own. If I could, I’d do more. So? So. It’s time for me to calm down if I’m going to see this through. The major point to keep in mind? I can pull out at any moment. I just need to remember the circumstances in any event. – I wonder what the Rock Park Hotel has done with my clothes, books, etc. it hurts to think about it. I’ll have to ask a Social Worker here to contact them. – Weather forecast for the coming week: clear and hot. Rain on my birthday. Last year I was at B60. This year? B50. – I’m going to try to snooze a bit while the floor is relatively calm. – The calm didn’t last. I didn’t snooze. Spoke for quite a while with Jackson. It was a good, interesting talk. As he points out “You’ve probably done things for others in your life. Now you can sit here, rest, relax. Meals are prepared and served. You have a bed and fresh linens. I sometimes think of it as a little vacation.” He’s absolutely right. I should focus on what I AM receiving and not on what I’ve lost. Creature comforts are provided. Yes, there are problems. But, thinking perfection? Even Bakfort has the trouble with cold and wet. So, here or there, there’s trouble. But here? Meals are hot, cooked, delivered. The bed is raised, mattress, clean sheets. No need to worry about the weather or police. It’s a matter of perspective. Meanwhile, I’m still sweating all the time. Jackson doesn’t want air conditioning and he’s closest to it so… SUN.31. 9h19 It was a miserable night. The woman next door, the moaner, was non-stop. I don’t’ hold it against her. The poor sweet-heart is tangled in a horrible fashion and must be in pain. But her pain management is poorly unsatisfactory. – Jackson too, was having a rough night, restless. It was a difficult night to keep my calm. Then, at about 4h, the nurse comes in to put a new, blue ID band on my wrist as I slept! – But right now, I’m actually SHOWERED! Breakfast was a joke. I’m tired. The weather is just gorgeous. I’m exhausted. – 1703 Dinner’s done. I’ve been in here 5 days and I still look forward to a cigarette! FIVE bloody days and I still want a smoke. Ah well. I’m showered, in hot water, soap, body wash. Showered! Yay! Arm pits are already a little in need of another wash. But it’s good to feel clean. And J’s wife brought the emery boards, he gave me 6. I used one and MY NAILS ARE DONE!!! HANDS AND TOES!!! All that’s left between me and total humanity is hair and beard. – The jeans are taking a urine odour. They need to be washed VERY SOON. – Meanwhile they came in to test for PPD! I refused. Brenda, the Nurse, runs a Home Care Agency and understood why I refused. I know it’s for the shelter referral but enough is enough! – 19h50 I’d no sooner noted that when I had to move my bowels. First time today. No sooner going and they’re yelling for me. Chest X-ray! It took me a moment to wipe and when I came out of the loo, nobody was waiting. Moments later, the Tech and machine arrive. I told the Tech I’d had an X-ray on Wed. You know they don’t care. They’re programmed only to respond to the bigger voice. Mine doesn’t matter. So we take another X-ray, In the bed. Off goes the Tech. Moments later? I need to go down to X-ray. They didn’t get enough on the shot. So? So I figure this will take an eternity. I’ll lie down. I did. That was during day-light hours. It’s dark now. And I have to note here, along with all else: Hospitals are noisy and mostly inhuman and inconsiderate. I’ve got Roomie here, slamming doors and windows. I’ve got NA’s and the likes, in the halls, yelling to one another. TV blasting. Vocalisations simply for the purpose of making noise. Dropping crap in waste bins. Noise… for the sake of noise. No reason. No purpose. It’s difficult to keep in mind that it’s not intentional. It’s even more difficult to accept inconsideration. It becomes almost impossible to simply get up and go. But, the truth of all is this is in what I’ve heard and been told and have come to know actually is the truth of the situation: I’ve spent my life doing for others, I’ve worked and worked and worked no matter what. Even volunteering. I’ve managed to not be idle. I’ve worked and paid into a system of taxation that’s failed me. This is as good as it will get for a while. What I need to do is learn to use this situation, this condition, to the best possible opportunity. It’s not that I have to be awake at a certain hour. I don’t’ have to be some-where at a ceratin time. I can actually sleep on and off, nap when-ever. In return, I have this bed and no concern about weather. Food? Yes. The quantity is diminishing and I spend every waking hour hungry. I figure they send only the absolute minimum required caloric intake to keep me from breaking down ill. It’s painful. But, I need to hold on. Why? Why not? Playing this to the end will be interesting. And it’s not a public shelter. Yes, I’m sure the staff will begin to wonder what the fk I’m doing here. I’m certain some already know. But, as I say… it’s not a city shelter. All I need to do is save what’s at the hotel. If that goes, I go. So, there’s always the “out”. – So, 20h44 and I’m still waiting to go to X-ray. The floor is calming down. Ch.13 on TV. I’ve had to pee since I started writing. – 21h33 Went to pee. Haven’t been to X-ray. Checked the phone for messages. NOTHING. NONE. So much for RAA. Right? I’m thinking that if I last through this, maybe I could go to Louisiana after Hurricane Gustav. But bottom line for now, for the night? I’M SO HUNGRY THAT I’M ACTUALLY IN PHYSICAL PAIN! MUSCLES. HEAD. EVERYTHING! There’s an idiot out in the hall making sneaker noises. A nurse, a group of staff, doing the chat-thing. Jackson’s getting his meds. Hopefully, pain included. Hopefully everyone entitled will get their meds. The house is calm at the moment. Jackson’s restless, closing windows and such. Well, I’ll hope. |
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DREAM: Sun-Mon: Attended services at Beth-El. Evening services. Many people. I wore tallit (Conway’s table cloth). / Flash to Riverdale Temple. Got to services a bit late. Noticed I was wearing tallit to evening services. Told it was fine and it was a good idea because it was a bit chilly anyway.)
