June 2011

6 June 2011: I swore I’d never be back here. But look at this. Because I’m a shit4brains idiot, putting somebody else’s comfort before mine, (you’d think I’d have learned by now), here I am AGAIN! Oddly enough, I’m STILL 8539266 after all these years… in more ways than one. BUT… do be careful World. I’m so much more than ANGRY and BITTER than words alone can express. I’m VERY much in the fram of mind where I DO believe, with heart and soul, that it’s better to crush those in the way, and NOT care whether they like me or not. – I want NO MORE FRIENDS! I need NO MORE FRIENDS! So the rest can eat their own shit and die. This time baby, the World is on its own!

06/06/2011 at 6:06 am (At 90-60 Un.Tpke.10F)
5.51 Not well this morning. Bad stomach. Knotted bowels. Churning gut. Feeling more like vomiting. I woke before the alarms. Have had coffee/cigarette. Wanting so much to sleep. But this morning it’s “MUST LEAVE” not “choose to leave”.
“Sorry things couldn’t be different.”
“We’ve gone out of our way…”
“When you got all those good jobs did you have that beard?” (Moe)
When I said, last night, ‘Ultimately, there’s only one person on whom you can depend…’ she said “Yourself. That’s very true.”
And I keep going back to Ren, Cathy & TJ. What goes around comes around.
“When you have, the whole world eats. When you don’t have, the world starves.” (Oma)
Spaces & places… here, Penelope. And I’m off to the shelter. What the fuk happened? What the fuk is happening? What the fuk is to happen? – Time to STOP this! – I need to get me out of here this morning. – I wonder if/when/where I’ll be sleeping tonight. – I’m not feeling well. Tired and ill.
And the bottom line: *NOBODY CARES*
Trim beard/nails. It’s to be a while until next time.
06/06/2011 at 6:30 pm e
18.27 BELLEVUE! Since about 14.00. Ortiz is still here. Reid too. But I’m still waiting… AND I’M STILL 8539266! Looks like I’ll be journaling on there! REVISITED! FUKME!
09/06/2011 at 7:49 am e
nyc8539266
09/06/2011 at 7:26 pm e
19.23 Bellevue Waiting 7thFl. In the Shelter. Working in HoBe. Life is a set of circles. We re-trace each til we get it right. Then we move to the next. I’m repeating one. I need to get this right. – WORK the 7 days, GET THE FUK OUT OF NYC!

07/06/2011 7.02/Day1 2nd Fl. “Lounge” (For Monday 6Jun) A118 assigned. Next to what used to be A108 (now A120)! Angel’s old room… fireplace. “The Old Guy”s bed. – So, I, 8539266, am back. – Showered. Dressed. 2 coffees. Rang Pen. She’s not going to Tilden today, going to see Delores. OK – BY 8.00, I was OUT of M&E’s, on the street, on the bus. To storage to drop some, get some. I took my time organising things then headed out to PenLib for an hour on-line. Researched transport to Burlington. I’m actually considering. And if things get stupid here, I’ll head up there. Or, I’ll be on the be on the beach with 100proof, Atropa & pills. Fukkit. Finished my iTunes down-loads too. MUSIC! – Printed a lettre to the Diamonds: 175$/day, I’m available. I’d noticed my house-cleaning sign was removed at 90-60. Can’t help but think Ev did that. – Q22 to B116. P.O. A LETTRE! FROM STORAGE! THE BLOODY RENT’S INCREASING NEXT BLOODY MONTH! FUKME. But I finally got mail. – To Waldbaums. Yoghurt & tin of coffee. Lunch in Tribute Park (again). And I rang Pen. At home! Some bull-shit about not needing to go. She’s a very poor liar. She’s certainly NOT a “friend”. But I put on the nice. She’s just like the rest & I’m back in The Shelter… clean out my “contacts” here. – And so, The A to L to M15. SHIT! Here we fukkin go again! But although I separated, dissociated, the “trauma” wasn’t present this trip. (I’m in SERIOUS DENIAL)! – At the CastleBellevue: NO MORE DARK RAMP! Entry in the front! And I zipped through. Very well prepared. Intake was a wait. The process took about 4 hours. The interviewlwith Olcott was appropriately nasty. But I’m STILL 8539266… but with up-dated photo. – The evening went quickly. Took 2 fellows to 2nd Av. so they could get something to eat. Strolled. I know too much about this Shelter, and yet, not enough. Some things have changed, some remain same. – 7.32 I need another smoke (and a BM). Ticknotes: Ortiz, Vivian(Greek) & Really Great Sec. Gds. here/I went up to 5. Nobody there.- Ortiz is still here. Vivian, the Greek guard is still here. Even that one who made me feel so Human, the first one who did so, is still here! SHE recognised me immediately as I was walking through the hall! I heard “Well, well, well…!” and there she was., as pleasant as ever. It was so comforting to see her. – As for the visit to the 5th floor: I just took it upon myself, after having signed-in, to take a stroll. Hell! Others did it whilst I was here so why not me doing it now? I KNOW this place TOO TOO well! But the doors to most dorms were closed and I didn’t see any sign of anybody I knew. Well, there’s time for further investigation… unfortunately.

TUE 07/06/2011 at 13:52
13.44 SIBL In the air conditioning. – This morning, woke (Woke? I don’t recall having slept at all last night!) before the alarm because the roomie slammed the damned door! Well, here we go! It was a fitful night too. Uncomfortable. No pillow, filthy linens. – So at 5.30 I was already awake. But I had my coffee and vit.c, brushed my teeth and didn’t bother to shower. Just didn’t want to be bothered. How about THAT? ME! NOT wanting to shower. Imagine. (Just too bloody tired!) – Then out to have a quick smoke, then down to the first floor “Triage” (intake) to return the lock. Of course, had to wait because the “lady” (?) who takes the locks wasn’t there yet. BUT one side of the room/foyer was full of prisoners, hand-cuffed to the chairs and eating breakfast (BRRREDFOX!). Yes, splendid. Prisoners, hand-cuffed to the chairs… Finally, a DHS Guard took the locks and it was back up to the 2nd floor to WAIT for the “Palladia” moron to interview. REALLY! A total arse. Mr. Something Soto. It took him all of 3 minutes with the 2 fellows before me and for me as well. He’s just there to see if they can’t come up with options other than the shelter. He didn’t for me. Gee! I’m so surprised (fuk). Then he got one kid in there for the LONGEST while. A Parolee was waiting. He yelled. Soto came out and chastised him, calmly, and promised he’d be out in 20 minutes. Bullshit! – Down to the 1st floor again! To the Intake waiting room, AGAIN! For yet a few MORE HOURS. But the Case Worker I spoke with this time was quite nice… and I’m assigned… TO CASTLE HELL-HOLE/BELLEVUE again! – Had to go up to 7 but stopped out back in the court yard for a smoke… DEBBIE CRAWFORD! OMG! She’s SO wonderful! “How are you? What happened to you? We went crazy looking for you!” and such. So I started to tell her the saga. But her time ran late. – Simmons is now gone almost 3 years… or since just after I’d left. Anyway, it was truly wonderful to see Crawford. And up to the 7th floor. Bed assignment. ON 7, in a DORM of EIGHT BEDS that looks like it was only suitable for 6 max. The locker is filthy, FILTHY! – But I must comment that the place seems rather calm(ish) these days. Maybe it’s just because the weather’s good and the scumbags aren’t coming in yet… Tonight will tell all. – AND… now that they see that I’ve been in there before and know people, the Newbies are paying more attention and respect. Fukkem. I’ll help were I can but no further. It’s the new me:
I CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH ANYBODY ELSE’S TROUBLES!
I’m all but falling asleep here and I’m so damned hungry. I have to find some food, sit and eat. Haven’t had a BM this morning and have a CaseWorker (cough choke) appointment at 16.00. So, since it’s going for 14.00 it’s time to try for food! – Motek has been texting. I sent him photos of last night’s bed. It would be nice to see him this evening but I’m not showered and don’t know if I’ll have the time. But, we’ll see. (And I stink like the 2nd floor… IT STILL has THAT ODOUR!)

WED 08/06/2011 at 11:52
11.00 PenLib (For Tuesday 7 June 2011) Where to begin? OK. I strolled over to 3rd and hit D’Ag for my little rolls, too much cheese, yoghurt. From there, a leisurely stroll back to the Riverside Park where I used to go (and freeze) to eat… too much. It took me almost to the very last minute and I got back into the shelter just about on time. Abdhul (I think that’s his name) was already there. We were both early. Into the assigned room, with TV, air conditioning and water cooler to sit and wait and wait and wait. Some broad comes in with a cardboard box full of papers and such, parks her fat arse in a chair at a desk and proceeds to ignore all of us, sifting trough her little treasures. Finally, a guy comes in, parks in the chair in front of her desk and begins talking. SHE’S the fukkingbloody Case”Worker”! When she’s done with the dildohead, she announces that there’s a “Sign-up” list OUTSIDE the door! We’re supposed to sign it! We’d been there for about TWO HOURS already! Well! Mad dash and guess what? The order in which we’d arrived was screwed because of folks jumping in to sign the list! OK. I let it go. I had other things to accomplish anyway like getting linens for tonight AND A BLOODY LOCK! I went down to “Operations” to inquire. The woman there was delightfully kind and respectful. Told me that I could get both after 18.00 on the 7th floor. I went back up. Found Abdul and told him that we could get the linens on the floor. So a really nice guard in the “office” gave us what he had: 2 sheets, towel and kit in the plastic bag. Tomorrow’s linen exchange day. – Down for a smoke. Abdhul had disappeared while I was down. I didn’t think much of it. – Then the continued wait… and wait… and wait… – It got to be 20.00. No call. I went down for a smoke. When I came back, Ms. Moron was on “dinner” and I had to sign for the bed at 20.30! So I signed. Made jokes with Mr. Brown (more familiar faces), checked for the lock (another kind woman dealing with that issue). – Round about 20.45 the woman came TO ME to give me the lock for the locker! I was on my way to “normalcy”! Linens for the bed and a LOCK so I didn’t have to lug stuff all over! But no “companion”. He’d disappeared completely! – At about 21.156 I stopped at the CW office to ask Ms. Shitmouth if she was going to be seeing any more “clients” this evening. She asked “Why”. I told her I had to shower and needed sleep before tomorrow and was wondering. She simply said, with her “Afrikan” accent (SURPRISE!) “Sir, you don’t have to do anything with me. You do what you feel you must.” I told her I was just concerned. She repeated “Sir”… several times. I apologised for being considerate and promised not to repeat the error… and left. – Bad thing? I never did get to shower. EVERY IDIOT IN THE PLACE DECIDED TO SHOWER AFTER 21.00! AND… f40(companion) never returned or signed or made bed-check. – The shits in the room decided to throw an evening chatty-session at about 22.00 with radio on. That last until almost 24.00. I had no pillow so used the TD bag with towel thrown over it. I lay on the bed, sweating because of the heat and humidity, and tried to ignore all. – It’s back in the shelter alright! – 11.52 PenLib Up this morning before the alarm. Coffee. Vit.C. Brush teeth during BM! Off to the shower! YAY! CLEAN! Dressed. Out the door. M15 to 42nd. Flushing train to Woodside. Q53 to storage. I’ve packed a bag with scrubs, extra jeans, another polo shirt, beach stuff, 2 pillows, stuff. Then off to Rock. Waldbaums for 2 rolls, yoghurt, turkey, coffee. Breakfast at Tribute Park. – Rang Ramdai. The “Termination Lettre” went out yesterday. But she’ll try to thwart it and get me to work! – To the bus. To the PenLib. – A lettre to M&E: Hourly to 15, Daily to 175. Fukkem if they don’t like it. I don’t care any longer. – VT on Twitter is still tempting. – It’s supposed to be miserably hot today. Plans are: leave here, get the bag from storage, bring to shelter, go to SIBL for a while, maybe see Motek after. Then back to shelter to see some CW moron tonight before passing out tonight. Maybe I’ll get work tomorrow. Not that I really want… but I certainly need. (7$/hour! BULLSHIT!) – 16.10 I’ve just finished transcribing the month of November 2008. It’s good to have another month completed but the notes… they were of a very good day back then in 5W-101. It’s sad to leave the notes behind and that memory. Today’s shelter is nothing like those good days… and it never will be again. – I managed to get from the PenLib back to storage. A bag with scrubs, jeans, pillows, stuff got shoved into the wheeled luggage and hauled to 30th. Into the locker. Then down to the 5th floor for linens, which got shoved into the locker. – Mr. Alexander was conducting an Intake in the room I sat in last night for for-ever. I asked him if it would be OK to do my Intake tonight and he said that the case “worker” will be on tonight. She’d better be. My meal ticket expires tonight! Bitch! And I’m certainly NOT going to RUSH back there either. I’ve got until 20.30 to sign-in and she’s got until 24.00 to WORK! Just so long as she doesn’t fuck with my “bed-check” I don’t much care. I USED to care, but I don’t care now. – It’s delightful in here. It’s MISERY out today! Well into the 30’s! DEATH weather. The “Boiz” better be in good behaviour mode tonight. I’m in no mood. – Meanwhile, I just got an extension on this PC and I didn’t even see the message! HEY! I’m good with that. – I want to take a visit to Motek this evening. I can’t believe it’s yet another Jewish holiday and here I am, “working”. OO! Fukkem. Truly. Nobody’s “helping” me in any way so bugger off. – Tired though. I have to say. Every time I’ve gotten on transport, I’ve dozed. I think I slept last night but there’s really no telling. New room. New room-mates, the friggin shelter. I may have slept, but I may have been too aware to have slept. I don’t know. (I could certainly use a drink right now.) – I wonder what the response to my lettre will be from M&E. I wonder if/when Mimi will ring. I truly don’t much care about them at this juncture. I’m back in the shelter and back in that “Shelter” mode:
.I’ve done everything I possibly could to be supportive of Penelope. Result? Shit.
.I’ve done everything possible to be available to M&E, even to losing my job. Result? Shit.
.I’ve done everything possible to help so many and where does it get me? In the shelter.
Well? NOT ANY LONGER. FUKKEM ALL!
That said, 9 minutes left on the PC and for the day. I NEED TO CHARGE MY PHONES! And I need to catch a nap. And I’ll need to make the bed this evening. And I’d LIKE VERY MUCH to shower before bed tonight! (Even though there are no spray heads on the 7th floor showers). – OH OH OH! That cute little fellow from Monday managed not only to stay in M051 but he’s on the 7th floor! Cute as a button. Looks young. Been many places. Educated. But too young. His cohort got shipped to Bed-Atl! Oo. – OK. So now I have to get moving along here. I’ll call Motek to see about an early rendez vous and then?…. Then back to the realities of the heat… HEAT… HELLHEAT and Hotel Happy. – Also hoping for WORK! this week.

THU 9 13.15 SSLib: Let me start with last night (Wednesday 8 June): After spending a splendid few hours with Motek at the studio, we strolled and talked. He’s under the impression I’m in here for no more than a week. I’m not correcting that. Not worth the effort nor the listening to the reactions. We parted at 14th/8th on the train. He took the A, I, the L. – Got into the Hell-Hole by about 20.30. The cow, “Ms. Brown” (brown cow… how now?) wasn’t back from grazing yet so I signed the list and went about my business until 21.00. She returned. Took what-ever case she chose & I waited… & waited…& waited… Finally, I went into the “B” room. They don’t tell which is which room but this one had air conditioning! It’s been in the 30’s outside and inside so even not being called was just fine for me. I got to talk with some of the guys and cool down. – Time passed… & passed… & passed. Somebody came in an told me that they were about to close the room, I had to leave. So I parked my butt outside Ms. Cow’s “office”. – Singed-in for the bed. Then came 22.00 bed-check. I had to be back in the room. I got accounted for and went back to the hall. The “B” room wasn’t closed so I went back to chat with the guys. Back into the hall to the cow’s door so she’d know I was there. WELL! At almost 23.00 she acknowledged me! “Why are you standing there?” I told her I was waiting for her. “You can’t stand there. Go to the room or to your bed.” MY BED? YOU NEED TO SEE ME! NOW! I went back to the room where I waited until after 24.00. Of course, the cow went home. Bumped me off AGAIN! – I gave up. Went in to the sweltering heat of the room… dropped to sleep. – The guys in the room are relatively OK. But now we’ve got a crack-head. How fun! He’s OK. Going into programme. But it’s just the idea. Not comforting. – I did fall asleep… – OH. Some broad comes is for the 22.00 bed-check and announces “There are women doing bed-check. You need to be wearing a shirt.” 35degrees in the bloody place and WE need to be wearing shirts to bed! Right. Suck shit from my bung hole thank you. – 13:32 Thu. 4 days. This morning I woke before the 5.45 alarm. Did NOT want to get up. TIRED! Weak! I gulped coffee from the bottle, took my vit.C, off to the loo for a dump (and a quick sneak smoke). Back to the room. Wait for a shower. At about 6.00, I got into the shower. NO COLD WATER AGAIN! IT WAS MURDER! The temperature in the room was already 32degrees! And HOT SHOWER! But I got cleaned. Then down for another smoke and up to the 7th floor. Why? I don’t know. Something told me to go there for a new “Meal Ticket”. And so I did. And so I was right. My gut. I must rely on it more often. Ms. Melendez was a doll! Very attentive. Very prompt. Gave me a new Meal Ticket through the 11th. THEN I FIND, MY “Case Worker” is across the hall from the main Intake office on the 7th floor! AND she works the 16-24.00 shift! WHY THE FUK DID THEY SEND ME TO ANOTHER ROOM AND ANOTHER CASE WORKER? Well, they did and I wasted 2 days. But NOT tonight. I’ll be back there as close to 16.00 a I can and tonight they’ll get “ME”! – Next, out the door. I stopped at the 28th St. park to get thoughts together and to ring Ramdai about the possible case assignment. Another WELL! 9-17.00 Saturday and Sunday, HoBe, possible 7 days! If it works out well on the wk-end. I’ll take it! I wouldn’t be doing anything but Journaling all day anyway. Let’s just hope there’s air conditioning. But that kind of money, delayed or not, will be very handy for either my ticket out of this world (HOPE!) or just out of this state (VT). I’ll take it! – Full of good from the news of work, off to the train for a new MetroCard and to Brooklyn. I wanted new scrub pants for work. “Ideal Uniform” on Flatbush and the most remarkable time. Debbie is just magnificent. Took care to fit me. We talked for at least an hour about Nurses and the invasion of the foreign bitches. (She should see the shelter system!) But WOW, Did I leave there in the greatest mood! Just wonderful! – Took the B41 to Kings Hwy for Q35 and here I am.
(*FROM COMMENTS POSTED: 09/06/2011 (Friday 10 June, 2011 PenLib 10.53) So I got that done at the SSLib. 30mins and I was back out. Off to Waldbaums because I know I MUST eat BEFORE returning to The Shelter or I won’t eat at all… ever! – A nice little lunch in Tribute Park. A schmooze with a nice lady reading a Kindle and off to The Big Shittle again. –
BUT SOMETHING OCCURRED TO ME EN ROUTE: WHEN I BEGAN AT PIC, I WAS IN THE SHELTER. TODAY, I’VE BEEN RE-INSTATED, A RE-BEGINNING OF SORTS. I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT IN HoBe JUST AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING. THERE’S A THEORY/PHILOSOPY THAT LIFE IS A SET OF CONCENTRIC CIRCLES THAT WE MUST COMPLETE CORRECTLY OR CONTINUE ON THE SAME CIRLCE UNTIL WE GET ALL THE ELEMENTS CORRECT. I HAVE BEGUN AT THE BEGINNING OF YET THE SAME CIRCLE! THERE’S SOMETHING I DID WRONG IN THIS ONE AND NOW I MUST CORRECT THAT. NO MISTAKES, NO ERRORS THIS TIME ROUND!
OK. So the trip back was a bit of a mess. I decided to get another 2 packs of cigs (not that I have the money for them these days) and took the Shuttle to B105 to stroll back to RiteAid under the El. Saw Chung. Luv seeing her. We discussed the horrors of Rockaway in the hot weather and today, the place is a MOB scene! Hate that! Especially in the heat and humidity. – The Q53 back to B116. The Q35 to The Junction for the 5 train to the 6 train and back by about 17.30. – I SIGNED THE WAITING LIST FOR Ms. HOLMES AND PROCEEDED TO WAIT. WELL! SHE’S ACTUALLY HUMAN! Smiles. Talks with respect and dignity. Informative. She told me that she had quite a few clients to see this evening and that the Intake should have been done already. I understand how long it takes (though I don’t understand WHY it takes so long). So I was agreeable. She told me to come back after 21.00. No problem. – I strolled. I spent time. I went back. I got an appointment for Saturday evening, 18.46 to get all my Intake preliminary papers done. Oh well. SHIT! But better than I’ve been for the past couple of days. – Tonight, had a chat with one of the guys in the room. I’m amazing them! One thought I was a “bleeding heart liberal”! HAH! Another one says I’d make the perfect “Advocate”. In general, they can’t believe I am as resilient as I am and as insane. We’ll get along OK… for now… for the time. – Well, I got a shower in tonight. HOT shower, but clean. Another day done. 2011/06/09 at 13:32
Thu. 4 days. This morning I woke before the 5.45 alarm. Did NOT want to get up. TIRED! Weak! I gulped coffee from the bottle, took my vit.C, off ot the loo for a dump (and a quick sneak smoke). Back to the room. Wait for a shower. At about 6.00, I got into the shower. NO COLD WATER AGAIN! IT WAS MURDER! The temperature in the room was already 32degrees! And HOT SHOWER! But I got cleaned. Then down for another smoke and up to the 7th floor. Why? I don’t know. Something told me to go there for a new “Meal Ticket”. And so I did. And so I was right. My gut. I must rely on it more often. Ms. Melendez was a doll! Very attentive. Very prompt. Gave me a new Meal Ticket through the 11th. THEN I FIND, MY “Case Worker” is across the hall from the main Intake office on the 7th floor! AND she works the 16-24.00 shift! WHY THE FUK DID THEY SEND ME TO ANOTHER ROOM AND ANOTHER CASE WORKER? Well, they did and I wasted 2 days. But NOT tonight. I’ll be back there as close to 16.00 a I can and tonight they’ll get “ME”! – Next, out the door. I stopped at the 28th St. park to get thoughts together and to ring Ramdai about the possible case assignment. Another WELL! 9-17.00 Saturday and Sunday, HoBe, possible 7 days! If it works out well on the wk-end. I’ll take it! I wouldn’t be doing anything but Journalling all day anyway. Let’s just hope there’s air conditioning. But that kind of money, delayed or not, will be very handy for either my ticket out of this world (HOPE!) or just out of this state (VT). I’ll take it! – Full of good from the news of work, off to the train for a new MetroCard and to Brooklyn. I wanted new scrub pants for work. “Ideal Uniform” on Flatbush and the most remarkable time. Debbie is just magnificent. Took care to fit me. We talked for at least an hour about Nurses and the invasion of the foreign bitches. (She should see the shelter system!) But WOW, Did I leave there in the greatest mood! Just wonderful! – Took the B41 to Kings Hwy for Q35 and here I am. 2011/06/09 at 13:22
Thursday 9 13.15 SSLib: Let me start with last night (Wednesday 8 June): After spending a splendid few hours with Motek at the studio, we strolled and talked. He’s under the impression I’m in here for no more than a week. I’m not correcting that. Not worth the effort nor the listening to the reactions. We parted at 14th/8th on the train. He took the A, I, the L. – Got into the Hell-Hole by about 20.30. The cow, “Ms. Brown” (brown cow… how now?) wasn’t back from grazing yet so I signed the list and went about my business until 21.00. She returned. Took what-ever case she chose & I waited… & waited…& waited… Finally, I went into the “B” room. They don’t tell which is which room but this one had air conditioning! It’s been in the 30’s outside and inside so even not being called was just fine for me. I got to talk with some of the guys and cool down. – Time passed… & passed… & passed. Somebody came in an told me that they were about to close the room, I had to leave. So I parked my butt outside Ms. Cow’s “office”. – Singed-in for the bed. Then came 22.00 bed-check. I had to be back in the room. I got accounted for and went back to the hall. The “B” room wasn’t closed so I went back to chat with the guys. Back into the hall to the cow’s door so she’d know I was there. WELL! At almost 23.00 she acknowledged me! “Why are you standing there?” I told her I was waiting for her. “You can’t stand there. Go to the room or to your bed.” MY BED? YOU NEED TO SEE ME! NOW! I went back to the room where I waited until after 24.00. Of course, the cow went home. Bumped me off AGAIN! – I gave up. Went in to the sweltering heat of the room… dropped to sleep. – The guys in the room are relatively OK. But now we’ve got a crack-head. How fun! He’s OK. Going into programme. But it’s just the idea. Not comforting. – I did fall asleep… – OH. Some broad comes is for the 22.00 bed-check and announces “There are women doing bed-check. You need to be wearing a shirt.” 35degrees in the bloody place and WE need to be wearing shirts to bed! Right. Suck shit from my bung hole thank you. 2011/06/08 at 16:20
16.10 I’ve just finished transcribing the month of November 2008. It’s good to have another month completed but the notes… they were of a very good day back then in 5W-101. It’s sad to leave the notes behind and that memory. Today’s shelter is nothing like those good days… and it never will be again. – I managed to get from the PenLib back to storage. A bag with scrubs, jeans, pillows, stuff got shoved into the wheeled luggage and hauled to 30th. Into the locker. Then down to the 5th floor for linens, which got shoved into the locker. – Mr. Alexander was conducting an Intake in the room I sat in last night for for-ever. I asked him if it would be OK to do my Intake tonight and he said that the case “worker” will be on tonight. She’d better be. My meal ticket expires tonight! Bitch! And I’m certainly NOT going to RUSH back there either. I’ve got until 20.30 to sign-in and she’s got until 24.00 to WORK! Just so long as she doesn’t fuck with my “bed-check” I don’t much care. I USED to care, but I don’t care now. – It’s delightful in here. It’s MISERY out today! Well into the 30’s! DEATH weather. The “Boiz” better be in good behaviour mode tonight. I’m in no mood. – Meanwhile, I just got an extension on this PC and I didn’t even see the message! HEY! I’m good with that. – I want to take a visit to Motek this evening. I can’t believe it’s yet another Jewish holiday and here I am, “working”. OO! Fukkem. Truly. Nobody’s “helping” me in any way so bugger off. – Tired though. I have to say. Every time I’ve gotten on transport, I’ve dozed. I think I slept last night but there’s really no telling. New room. New room-mates, the friggin shelter. I may have slept, but I may have been too aware to have slept. I don’t know. (I could certainly use a drink right now.) – I wonder what the response to my lettre will be from M&E. I wonder if/when Mimi will ring. I truly don’t much care about them at this juncture. I’m back in the shelter and back in that “Shelter” mode:
.I’ve done everything I possibly could to be supportive of Penelope. Result? Shit.
.I’ve done everything possible to be available to M&E, even to losing my job. Result? Shit.
.I’ve done everything possible to help so many and where does it get me? In the shelter.
Well? NOT ANY LONGER. FUKKEM ALL!
That said, 9 minutes left on the PC and for the day. I NEED TO CHARGE MY PHONES! And I need to catch a nap. And I’ll need to make the bed this evening. And I’d LIKE VERY MUCH to shower before bed tonight! (Even though there are no spray heads on the 7th floor showers). – OH OH OH! That cute little fellow from Monday managed not only to stay in M051 but he’s on the 7th floor! Cute as a button. Looks young. Been many places. Educated. But too young. His cohort got shipped to Bed-Atl! Oo. – OK. So now I have to get moving along here. I’ll call Motek to see about an early rendez vous and then?…. Then back to the realities of the heat… HEAT… HELLHEAT and Hotel Happy. – Also hoping for WORK! this week. 11.52 PenLib Up this morning before the alarm. Coffee. Vit.C. Brush teeth during BM! Off to the shower! YAY! CLEAN! Dressed. Out the door. M15 to 42nd. Flushing train to Woodside. Q53 to storage. I’ve packed a bag with scrubs, extra jeans, another polo shirt, beach stuff, 2 pillows, stuff. Then off to Rock. Waldbaums for 2 rolls, yoghurt, turkey, coffee. Breakfast at Tribute Park. – Rang Ramdai. The “Termination Lettre” went out yesterday. But she’ll try to thwart it and get me to work! – To the bus. To the PenLib. – A lettre to M&E: Hourly to 15, Daily to 175. Fukkem if they don’t like it. I don’t care any longer. – VT on Twitter is still tempting. – It’s supposed to be miserably hot today. Plans are: leave here, get the bag from storage, bring to shelter, go to SIBL for a while, maybe see Motek after. Then back to shelter to see some CW moron tonight before passing out tonight. Maybe I’ll get work tomorrow. Not that I really want… but I certainly need. (7$/hour! BULLSHIT!) 2011/06/08 at 11:52
11.00 PenLib (For Tuesday 7 June 2011) Where to begin? OK. I strolled over to 3rd and hti D’Ag for my little rolls, too much cheese, yoghurt. From there, a leisurely stroll back to the Riverside Park where I used to go (and freeze) to eat… too much. It took me almost to the very last minute and I got back into the shelter just about on time. Abdhul (I think that’s his name) was already there. We were both early. Into the assigned room, with TV, air conditioning and water cooler to sit and wait and wait and wait. Some broad comes in with a cardboard box full of papers and such, parks her fat arse in a chair at a desk and proceeds to ignore all of us, sifting trough her little treasures. Finally, a guy comes in, parks in the chair in front of her desk and begins talking. SHE’S the fukkingbloody Case”Worker”! When she’s done with the dildohead, she announces that there’s a “Sign-up” list OUTSIDE the door! We’re supposed to sign it! We’d been there for about TWO HOURS already! Well! Mad dash and guess what? The order in which we’d arrived was screwed because of folks jumping in to sign the list! OK. I let it go. I had other things to accomplish anyway like getting linens for tonight AND A BLOODY LOCK! I went down to “Operations” to inquire. The woman there was delightfully kind and respectful. Told me that I could get both after 18.00 on the 7th floor. I went back up. Found Abdul and told him that we could get the linens on the floor. So a really nice guard in the “office” gave us what he had: 2 sheets, towel and kit in the plastic bag. Tomorrow’s linen exchange day. – Down for a smoke. Abdhul had disappeared while I was down. I didn’t think much of it. – Then the continued wait… and wait… and wait… – It got to be 20.00. No call. I went down for a smoke. When I came back, Ms. Moron was on “dinner” and I had to sign for the bed at 20.30! So I signed. Made jokes with Mr. Brown (more familiar faces), checked for the lock (another kind woman dealing with that issue). – Round about 20.45 the woman came TO ME to give me the lock for the locker! I was on my way to “normalcy”! Linens for the bed and a LOCK so I didn’t have to lug stuff all over! But no “companion”. He’d disappeared completely! – At about 21.156 I stopped at the CW office to ask Ms. Shitmouth if she was going to be seeing any more “clients” this evening. She asked “Why”. I told her I had to shower and needed sleep before tomorrow and was wondering. She simply said, with her “Afrikan” accent (SURPRISE!) “Sir, you don’t have to do anything with me. You do what you feel you must.” I told her I was just concerned. She repeated “Sir”… several times. I apologiesed for being considerate and promised not to repeat the error… and left. – Bad thing? I never did get to shower. EVERY IDIOT IN THE PLACE DECIDED TO SHOWER AFTER 21.00! AND… f40(companion) never returned or signed or made bed-check. – The shits in the room decided to throw an evening chatty-session at about 22.00 with radio on. That last until almost 24.00. I had no pillow so used the TD bag with towel thrown over it. I lay on the bed, sweating because of the heat and humidity, and tried to ignore all. – It’s back in the shelter alright! 2011/06/07 at 13:52
13.44 SIBL In the air conditioning. – This morning, woke (Woke? I don’t recall having slept at all last night!) befoer the alarm because the roomie slammed the damned door! Well, here we go! It was a fitful night too. Uncomfortable. No pillow, filthy linens. – So at 5.30 I was already awake. But I had my coffee and vit.c, brushed my teeth and didn’t bother to shower. Just didn’t want to be bothered. How about THAT? ME! NOT wanting to shower. Imagine. (Just too bloody tired!) – Then out to have a quick smoke, then down to the first floor “Triage” (intake) to return the lock. Of course, had to wait because the “lady” (?) who takes the locks wasn’t there yet. BUT one side of the room/foyer was full of prisoners, hand-cuffed to the chairs and eating breakfast (BRRREDFOX!). Yes, splendid. Prisoners, hand-cuffed to the chairs… Finally, a DHS Guard took the locks and it was back up to the 2nd floor to WAIT for the “Palladia” moron to interview. REALLY! A total arse. Mr. Something Soto. It took him all of 3 minutes with the 2 fellows before me and for me as well. He’s just there to see if they can’t come up with options other than the shelter. He didn’t for me. Gee! I’m so surprised (fuk). Then he got one kid in there for the LONGEST while. A Parolee was waiting. He yelled. Soto came out and chastised him, calmly, and promised he’d be out in 20 minutes. Bullshit! – Down to the 1st floor again! To the Intake waiting room, AGAIN! For yet a few MORE HOURS. But the Case Worker I spoke with this time was quite nice… and I’m assigned… TO CASTLE HELL-HOLE/BELLEVUE again! – Had to go up to 7 but stopped out back in the court yard for a smoke… DEBBIE CRAWFORD! OMG! She’s SO wonderful! “How are you? What happned to you? We went crazy looking for you!” and such. So I started to tell her the saga. But her time ran late. – Simmons is now gone almost 3 years… or since just after I’d left. Anyway, it was truly wonderful to see Crawford. And up to the 7th floor. Bed assignment. ON 7, in a DORM of EIGHT BEDS that looks like it was only suitable for 6 max. The locker is filthy, FILTHY! – But I must comment that the place seems rather calm(ish) these days. Maybe it’s just because the weather’s good and the scumbags aren’t coming in yet… Tonight will tell all. – AND… now that they see that I’ve been in there before and know people, the Newbies are paying more attention and respect. Fukkem. I’ll help were I can but no further. It’s the new me:
I CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH ANYBODY ELSE’S TROUBLES!
I’m all but falling asleep here and I’m so damned hungry. I have to find some food, sit and eat. Haven’t had a BM this morning and have a CaseWorker (cough choke) appointment at 16.00. So, since it’s going for 14.00 it’s time to try for food! – Motek has been texting. I sent him photos of last night’s bed. It would be nice to see him this evening but I’m not showered and don’t know if I’ll have the time. But, we’ll see. (And I stink like the 2nd floor… IT STILL has THAT ODOUR!) FROM COMMENTS POSTED*)

FRI 10/06/2011 at 11:09 (Friday 10 June, 2011 PenLib 10.53) So I got that done at the SSLib. 30mins and I was back out. Off to Waldbaums because I know I MUST eat BEFORE returning to The Shelter or I won’t eat at all… ever! – A nice little lunch in Tribute Park. A schmooze with a nice lady reading a Kindle and off to The Big Shittle again. –
BUT SOMETHING OCCURRED TO ME EN ROUTE: WHEN I BEGAN AT PIC, I WAS IN THE SHELTER. TODAY, I’VE BEEN RE-INSTATED, A RE-BEGINNING OF SORTS. I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT IN HoBe JUST AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING. THERE’S A THEORY/PHILOSOPY THAT LIFE IS A SET OF CONCENTRIC CIRCLES THAT WE MUST COMPLETE CORRECTLY OR CONTINUE ON THE SAME CIRLCE UNTIL WE GET ALL THE ELEMENTS CORRECT. I HAVE BEGUN AT THE BEGINNING OF YET THE SAME CIRCLE! THERE’S SOMETHING I DID WRONG IN THIS ONE AND NOW I MUST CORRECT THAT. NO MISTAKES, NO ERRORS THIS TIME ROUND!
OK. So the trip back was a bit of a mess. I decided to get another 2 packs of cigs (not that I have the money for them these days) and took the Shuttle to B105 to stroll back to RiteAid under the El. Saw Chung. Luv seeing her. We discussed the horrors of Rockaway in the hot weather and today, the place is a MOB scene! Hate that! Especially in the heat and humidity. – The Q53 back to B116. The Q35 to The Junction for the 5 train to the 6 train and back by about 17.30. – I SIGNED THE WAITING LIST FOR Ms. HOLMES AND PROCEEDED TO WAIT. WELL! SHE’S ACTUALLY HUMAN! Smiles. Talks with respect and dignity. Informative. She told me that she had quite a few clients to see this evening and that the Intake should have been done already. I understand how long it takes (though I don’t understand WHY it takes so long). So I was agreeable. She told me to come back after 21.00. No problem. – I strolled. I spent time. I went back. I got an appointment for Saturday evening, 18.46 to get all my Intake preliminary papers done. Oh well. SHIT! But better than I’ve been for the past couple of days. – Tonight, had a chat with one of the guys in the room. I’m amazing them! One thought I was a “bleeding heart liberal”! HAH! Another one says I’d make the perfect “Advocate”. In general, they can’t believe I am as resilient as I am and as insane. We’ll get along OK… for now… for the time. – Well, I got a shower in tonight. HOT shower, but clean. Another day done. – 11:20 Almost forgot to mention: IT RAINED last night! Lightning. Thunder. Rain. The heat=wave is broken! At last!
OH! SOME MORON COMES OVER TO ME AS I’M WAITING FOR LAST NIGHT’S SHOWER. SAYS TO ME “JUST SO WE DON’T HAVE ANY MIS-UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE.” I HAVE NO IDEA WTF HE’S TALKING ABOUT BUT JUST STARED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AS HE MUTTERED. HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT NOT WANTING ANY TROUBLE WITH ME BUT HE WAS “TOLD TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE”. I WONDER WHO TOLD HIM (IF ANYBODY TOLD HIM ANYTHING OF THE KIND AT ALL IN REALITY). STILL, IT’S INTERESTING TO NOTE. I JUST HOPE THIS DOESN’T TURN INTO ONE OF THOSE ‘SHELTER” STORIES. I’VE GOT PLANS… AND THIS CITY ISN’T IN THEM!
So now, today, Friday: This is all falling terribly behind and will fall even farther when work begins. I hope I’ll have time to get some things on via the phone as I work. – Last night was interesting: The local crack-er was awakened by every little sound in the room. Interestingly enough, he gets pissed at the very same things that piss me off: banging locks, banging lockers, chit-chat in the middle of the night, rattling bags AFTER the lights go out, putting the lights out in the middle of the night. He was vociferous about it as well. But I certainly can’t fault him for it. I agree. Even though I just lay in bed and try to rationalize/ignore it. – So this morning, I woke, head on my pillows, rather rested. Had my coffee. Showered (HOT). Dressed. Left promptly. M15 to L to Storage for knock around scrubs and the BP cuff. Then to find tomorrow’s assignment. Nice house. Easy to get to. I’m hopeful. I don’t like the idea of 7days. But the money will come in handy! – Then to here. – I need to get to KeyFood for coffee. I brought my zip-lock bag. – The guy from VT twitted a link for the Burlington shelter. It’s Christian! I’m doomed. But WTF? I think I just might give it a try. I’ve little to lose at this juncture. I’m not looking beyond the 24th. NOTHING BEYOND THE 24TH. – Must to leave here. I’ve printed an “Assignment” sheet for the folks at the shelter. Idiots!- 16:29 SIBL and 13 minutes left on the PC. I feel like it’s closer… much closer to about 20.00. TIRED! SO VERY TIRED! And not really looking forward to tonight at the Hell-hole. It’s Friday and although those idiots in the room don’t work during the week, I’m sure they’ll all celebrate as if they’ve accomplished a full week’s worth of toil. – If they don’t, I’m willing to wager highly that the rest of them will in the halls… all night. And I have to be at work tomorrow, in the morning. There’s also the little “meeting” that F41 wants to hold tonight. I’m sure that will keep ALL awake for a LONG while. But… there’s Xanax and all sorts of other meds, and a nice little bottle of vodka waiting for a day at the beach. CHECK-OUT! – I want to compose a nice little “Thank You” to those who have been right here with me through the last and this shelter episode. But my head won’t do it lately. I’m really too tired. And there seems to be something in my left eye all the time. It itches and sometimes I can’t see correctly. Then there’s the itch… when in the eye, not in the ear; when in the ear, not in the eye. I just don’t know. But I don’t’ much care either. – I found a desk where I can charge the iPod and phone so I’ll be moseying over there. Just terribly thirsty at the moment. But all passes… somehow, at some point.
(*2011/06/10 at 16:29
16.309 SIBL and 13 minutes left on the PC. I feel like it’s closer… much closer to about 20.00. TIRED! SO VERY TIRED! And not really looking forward to tonight at the Hell-hole. It’s Friday and although those idiots in the room don’t work during the week, I’m sure they’ll all celebrate as if they’ve accomplished a full week’s worth of toil. – If they don’t, I’m willing to wager highly that the rest of them will in the halls… all night. And I have to be at work tomorrow, in the morning. There’s also the little “meeting” that F41 wants to hold tonight. I’m sure that will keep ALL awake for a LONG while. But… there’s Xanax and all sorts of other meds, and a nice little bottle of vodka waiting for a day at the beach. CHECK-OUT! – I want to compose a nice little “Thank You” to those who have been right here with me through the last and this shelter episode. But my head won’t do it lately. I’m really too tired. And there seems to be something in my left eye all the time. It itches and sometimes I can’t see correctly. Then there’s the itch… when in the eye, not in the ear; when in the ear, not in the eye. I just don’t know. But I don’t’ much care either. – I found a desk where I can charge the iPod and phone so I’ll be moseying over there. Just terribly thirsty at the moment. But all passes… somehow, at some point. – on 2011/06/10 at 11:20
Almost forgot to mention: IT RAINED last night! Lightning. Thunder. Rain. The heat=wave is broken! At last!
OH! SOME MORON COMES OVER TO ME AS I’M WAITING FOR LAST NIGHT’S SHOWER. SAYS TO ME “JUST SO WE DON’T HAVE ANY MIS-UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE.” I HAVE NO IDEA WTF HE’S TALKING ABOUT BUT JUST STARED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AS HE MUTTERED. HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT NOT WANTING ANY TROUBLE WITH ME BUT HE WAS “TOLD TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE”. I WONDER WHO TOLD HIM (IF ANYBODY TOLD HIM ANYTHING OF THE KIND AT ALL IN REALITY). STILL, IT’S INTERESTING TO NOTE. I JUST HOPE THIS DOESN’T TURN INTO ONE OF THOSE ‘SHELTER” STORIES. I’VE GOT PLANS… AND THIS CITY ISN’T IN THEM!
So now, today, Friday: This is all falling terribly behind and will fall even farther when work begins. I hope I’ll have time to get some things on via the phone as I work. – Last night was interesting: The local crack-er was awakened by every little sound in the room. Interestingly enough, he gets pissed at the very same things that piss me off: banging locks, banging lockers, chit-chat in the middle of the night, rattling bags AFTER the lights go out, putting the lights out in the middle of the night. He was vociferous about it as well. But I certainly can’t fault him for it. I agree. Even though I just lay in bed and try to rationalize/ignore it. – So this morning, I woke, head on my pillows, rather rested. Had my coffee. Showered (HOT). Dressed. Left promptly. M15 to L to Storage for knock around scrubs and the BP cuff. Then to find tomorrow’s assignment. Nice house. Easy to get to. I’m hopeful. I don’t like the idea of 7days. But the money will come in handy! – Then to here. – I need to get to KeyFood for coffee. I brought my zip-lock bag. – The guy from VT twitted a link for the Burlington shelter. It’s Christian! I’m doomed. But WTF? I think I just might give it a try. I’ve little to lose at this juncture. I’m not looking beyond the 24th. NOTHING BEYOND THE 24TH. – Must to leave here. I’ve printed an “Assignment” sheet for the folks at the shelter. Idiots!* FROM COMMENTS POSTED*)

SAT 11. WORKED: PIC. HoBe. 9-17.00
2011/06/11 at 14:23
I keep dozing off! Tired? Yes. But DOZING! – I believe the old guy in F36 has celulitis and possible MRSA. -I was on the Nr6 train at 7this morning. Took the A to Gaston then back to work by 9. It’s very nice… I’m hoping. BUT I NEED A BREAK/SMOKE!

SUN 12. WORKED: PIC. HoBe. 9-17.00 And the Wife, Daughter and Son-In-Law said they want me back, on the case, long-term. I’m OK with that. I NEED THE MONEY!

MON 13.
As usual, all was “settled”, 22.00 bed-check done. I was trying to drift to sleep thanks to the guy in F38 unplugging Ramone’s radio at last. Must have been approx. 23.00, I feel dull thuds on the bed. “Security”. “Mr. Alexander needs to talk with you.” I thought it was because somebody else had signed for F39 (my bed) tonight. Nope. TRANSFER TO THE BRONX! 183rd/Davidson!!! IMMEDIATELY!!! BUT… Alexander and Ms. Berman(?) discussed the travel to HoBe. Said maybe 126th would be better. I was sent back to bed for the night. Transfer to be done tomorrow. – Suddenly, Alexander comes in. I’m transferred to the 6th floor! They decided to keep me here due to travel hardships! (Berman said “We’re not in the business of getting people fired.”). – I packed. – E4 now. 4/dorm. 1 older, 1 middle-aged, 1 young. 3 Black. The middle-aged guy works. Wakes at 5.30. I apologised. Young guy says “You’re a newcomer” and puts the light on! – The room if filthy! Reefer on the floor under bed, ashes and a roach on the floor. I didn’t un-pack. Just got ready for bed. Actually fell right to sleep. – In the morning: 6Train to GCT to Shuttle to Nr.1Train to 231st. / Monthly MetroCard bought (104$) at stn. / Bx10 to Yonkers border. RiteAid on B’wy, Yonkers for cigarettes. / Overdrawn chequing account!!!!! / Food at Associated in Yonkers. / / Bx9 to vanCort park to eat. / Nr.1 to 59th to A to RockBlvd to 53bus… PenLib / Helene on 53 bus en route to The Rock. / Talked at B108 with her and Matt. / Took 35bus to Bklyn. Too late for SIBL. / Went to the studio to see Schmulik. / back at The Shelter: STEVE’S GONE!!!!! to RWA!!! DAMN IT! / The room has gone to shit with the noise and such. / Went down for a smoke and spoke with Ev. She’s pissed because of the new rates. Said the daily rate is out of their reach. Fukkem! I’m finished with this “Charity” shit! And now it seems I’ve lost a sleeping bag, 2 great pillows and ANOTHER AFGHAN!!!! LEFT IN CT

TUE 14 June 2011 “Lounge” 5th Floor: Out of bed at 6.30. No BM this morning. Shower. Laundry at 8.00. Lost under-wear! Don’t know how. But 7th floor, 3 washers, 2 dryers, 1 dryer “working”. – Other: long time to dry. – Found mop and bucket on 6th floor. MUST lean the room. Reefer under the bed! – Down for 2 smokes, chain. Up to 5 at approx. 11.00. Very nice guard explained “protocol”. Nice CW gave info/direction. Sign “Emergency” list. Come, wait. – Margaret Cummings at “lounge”. Remembered me! Charles gone a long time. Rick got a room. D18 now pees in a bottle, leaves it on locker! Uloma out due to knee surgery. She and D. Crawford moved to end offices. – 6th floor is no “Gen’l Population”. No more MICA. No more “Med”. Even 2 is GenPop. And Over-Nighters. (3=food) 4 and 5 GenPop. 7&8 PASS Assessment. – All in all, it seems CW’s and some “security” are more helpful. – I’m so tired I’ve got the shakes. – Found the slop on 6. Want to clean. – Beautiful day out. Would have been perfect for Tilden (with/with-out S.S.) – (After note: yesterday) Today I clean my “Contacts” out of the phone: Penelope, Moe & Ev. Calvarusso. &c. Break ties. The end. No more. Ev’s gen’l attitude yesterday r/t my “rates” increase has thrown me (I’m falling asleep, writing illegible) – It’s amazing… Lovell (emergency CW) strolls about the halls, never even looks at the “sign-in” sheet! – Deaf Guy(Robbie?) walking about. I gave him a cig. Why not? – Hungry and TIRED! Dozing off. – Finally seen by Mystery CW. Told to return tomorrow at 8.00! – Tried to clean room. Disrespectful, NASTY guard bitch “dismissed” me! Reported to Oper. – Re-commence pt. HoBe MONDAY! I NEED MONEY! FUK! – I’m losing track of days and dates! Losing my mind! – En route to Rock at approx. 13.40 (88th Boyd)- 15.57 PenLib When I think about it, I’ve been quite fortunate: Having the storage locker at the ready; having the extra underwear to replace what I stupidly lost; being wise to the shelter and being prepared for the stupidity; having the over-draft on the chequing to get car-fare for 30 days. But OMG! Am I so tired… tired of it all in general. And today, not knowing day or date makes it all so much worse. – Lunch in Tribute Park: cottage cheese with peaches, tinned coffee, PopTarts. I bough ciabatta rolls. 4. I still have them. – A bit down due to Steven leaving. Nothing can be done to change it and I’m just being stupid about it. – I don’t see much conversation in the room coming along. It’s going to be a different time of it. – Still can’t get over the Green berg shit. I was SO MUCH MORE than helpful and now I get the brush-off. It won’t happen again. – 16.10 I should be out of here by 17.00 latest. SIBL until 20.00. Ah, but I don’t know where to sign for my bed tonight! The mysteries and games never cease. – The librarian strolled by, smiled, waved. Odd how some people actually like me. – This library closes at 18.00. I doubt I’ll get the hour. – The Wave still has rooms at 150$/week. I NEED MONEY DAMN IT! – Didn’t get even a moment. Left approx. 16.30. back to The City, in to SIBL. Got the hour there. And as I worked, came the rains. Nothing too serious but rain non-the-les. Well. We can’t have perfect. Certainly not. – M16 to 28th and into the Hole. – The dorm is still a mess. But I’m not going to go out of my way about it. – Sign-in is on the floor and of ALL the people at the table? Santiago! Stoned as always. But even he recognized me! I gave a smile, “Como estas Sr?”, knuckle-bump and on to my biz of showering and into bed. – #3(Steve) cam3 in, reeking of beer! Woah! Feisty after work. Another locker-banger. But not for very long. #1(BC) had a Cauc. Visitor. I don’t know what these kids are doing in M050 but it’s annoying… to a point. Still, #3 is 51 y/o behaving like a 15y/o as do most of the adults(?) in this place. Creation is a disastrous place. People make it ugly. – Settled in. All goes quiet and calm. Lights out. I’m drifting into sleep. “E4!” “They” want to see me on the 5th floor. At 23 bloody 00! “They”. But the guard who came in is one of the sweet ones so it made the situation tolerable. Scrubs and flip-flops, down the stairs. No idea who “they” are or what “they” want. But ahHAH! Mr. (a.k.a. King) James. I addressed him, handed him my “papers. “Singleton”. SINGLETON! She come out of an office and immediately recognizes me! It’s almost unbelievable how many remember me! And, they smile! We chat. All I needed was a new meal tkt tonight and confirm I signed for the bed. We talked. She told me of some “housing prospect she knows of and asked me to come see her tomorrow “when you get in”. I got the meal ticket and went back to bed. – What next?

WED. 15/10th day. The usual beginning: up, loo, shower. Then to the 5th floor for my 8.00 me with the new CW. The usual wait in “the lounge” for her arrival and the posting of the sign-in sheet. And the usual mass hysteria when the list got taped to the wall. It never ceases to amaze: Blacks and Hispanics have no sense of gentlemanly decorum, civil democracy, or respect. They’re so very much like seagulls, scavengers, defiant in their sense of entitlement. They shove into busses and lifts. And when the list was posted, they shoved through asking for a pen, oblivious to anything between them and that bit of paper on the wall. But I managed to be second on the list… and waited. – Almost immediately after the guy before me, I was called. Khenkina, Lydia, Russian, pleasant enough, to the point. Took particulars. Repeated the same questions I’ve already answered perhaps thrice already. Noted I’m to work 7 days. Says I must see her Wednesdays or Sundays, mornings, and, as usual, it’s my responsibility to be the first on her list. There is NO consideration for working people in the shelter. I will see her Wed. for “Psycho-Social” eval. Let the fun begin. – I left promptly to PenLib. Immediate PC this morning. Research on CAN study/silence in NY and VT. Much quicker in VT! A huge consideration. – Waldbaums. Turkey, fruit, yoghurt and coffee. Tilden for lunch… in the sun. I’m SO pale it’s disgusting! So I ate, on the bench, in the soccer field, shirtless, leisurely. Then off for a stroll. A must “413” today, simply because. I just feel it’s essential to good health some-how. And it was quite quick. After, I felt “lighter”. How odd! (At a table, on the plaza, BklynCenLib. Thurs. 8.45) – No one at the Fort today. But as I left, Geoff was at T7. I didn’t visit. Rather, as I left, I did stop to tell 3 Rangers of Penelope’s “sales pitch” for RAA: free, unlimited parking and use of “private beach”. I feel it’s a return of her “kindnesses”. I’ve made myself available to her over the years, supported her and such. She’s simply taken it all for granted. She knows of the mayhem caused by the recent influx of strangers to The Fort and beach. Yet invites more! I need a place of refuge, that Fort, that beach. Today, my needs take precedence. No regrets. – By about 16.00 I was at SIBL and another immediate PC. – Saw Singleton, very briefly, on my return to the shelter. The “housing” is for someone who makes at least 1500$/month. Well, of course, screwed again. Did I expect different? Of course not. – Upstairs, a mop! Waiting out-side the dorm! I grabbed it and did a quick mop under the bed, under Nr.1 (powder all over the damned floor!). The Wildcat guy joked with me about having helped myself to the mop. He seemed to appreciate that I wanted to clean the room (albeit, not thoroughly). I told him of the “security” thing yesterday. He responded by saying that there are people who feel they know “all”, know the “Truth” and yet, know nothing. He did appreciate my efforts. – I went into the dorm to relax a bit. Nr.2 came in, looked at the floor by Nr.1 and asked” “Did you do that?” (the mop job). I denied. He didn’t look happy, muttered something about the powder, left the room. I feared for my well-being so I went out for a smoke. – When I returned, we began to talk. He expected me to complain about Nr.1’s reefer-smoking! He resents it, is sympathetic to Mr. and me working and putting up with the nonsense. Then Nr.3 came in, angry. His CW? Lipinsky! And Lipinsky’s giving him trouble, playing “by the book”. Well! We all got to talking tonight. Names exchanged. Info. Nr.2(David) in system x7yrs, just back from being out x3yrs. Nr.3(Steve) in x3wks., new to it all. Apparently nice guys. But I’m not going to hope for it. I’ve no doubt things are to become horrible: Nr.1 will stay or be replaced by miserable/Nr3 will lose the bed and be replaced by miserable. The very notion of being in a “Civil” dorm twice is too far-fetched, too “good”, too TOO much to ponder. But tonight I slept a bit easier.

THU 16/11th day. 8.09 Grand Army Plaza. A bench at St. Johns Pl. Waiting for the BklynCenLib to open at 9.00. Bowels quite ready to burst. A BM this morning however. And a full night’s sleep last night! Still, I’m extremely tired. – Clot? Yesterday I felt the “crawling” over my left foot, under the skin. Then shortly after, it “crawled” over my ankle. Soon after, up the leg by the knee. Then gone. This morning, as I waited for the 15 bus, I tried to clear my throat and the cough sent god-awful pains from left chest to fingers of left hand! Dizzying pains. I don’t’ want to drop dead on streets or transport. And I certainly don’t want to “go” randomly. I did not come into this world in Peace; I certainly have not lived in this world in Peace; I demand that I leave this world, on my terms, at my pace, on my time… in Peace! – 9.37 A table. A chair. Umbrella. Slightly over-cast. Breeze. Comfortable. I didn’t rush in at 9.00. This was too pleasant to pass over. – There’s WiFi out here! – My bowels are a bit calmer. Only a bit. But how wonderful to be at some calm… relatively. – penLib open 10-20.00 today. Rain in the forecast, tonight, tomorrow. – I’ve begun the 30-day MetroCard today. I do NOT want to re-new it. I’d like to be OUT of NYC by expiration… VT and PCT. – At 56 years old this is all going to be difficult. But there’s meds and Atropa. – I’m going for a smoke and PC. – 16.42 Nr.5 at Flatbush. Immediate PC at BkCenLib. 30 mins then to train to The Jct to Waldbaums and lunch at Tribute Park. 53 to PenLib where now they too know me by name! And they chat. It’s odd: nice folk and here I am, alone in a shelter. I need to learn how to put being likes to better things. Anyway, got some blogging, some research and off to Tilden for a pop. Why not? Whilst we may. Nobody there today. I was there and gone. – Rang Ramdai about work on Monday. She’s looking for hours for the other HHA! Fukdatshit. I NEED THE MONEY! NO MORE “NICE ME”! BATTLE ZONE! – The 2train becomes a 5 and I’m good to go. 16.48 and Winthrop (remembering the Summer concerts). – But somehow, all day, all I want to do is sleep… just sleep… only sleep. – 17.53 SIBL. Catching up here. Pretty good. And in no particular rush to get back… no need either. 20.00. 21.00… all good enough. But Saturday will be interesting. I have no intention of going to services… here or other-where. Not that I have an agenda. Just don’t feel like it any longer. Oh well…

FRI 17/06/2011 at 09:06
8.45 BkCen (Opens at 10!) HERZLIG GEBURTSTAG MAMALE! SHALOM.
Last night (THU. 16Jun11) I managed to get in at almost 20.00 to a quiet, MOPPED dorm. David was resting, ball game on the radio. I rested. BC came in in a good mood. Then Steve, in the usual blust. Lipinsky was looking for him. He wanted nothing to do with it all. But Lipinsky did something NO CW does: He came to the dorm! Steve was in the shower. So when I went for my shower, I suggested he go, make nice. Seems Lipinsky’s genuinely concerned (for what-ever reason… I trust NONE of them). And so he (Steve) did. Came back not too thrilled but calmer. – Steve spent a great deal of time on the trains. The “Orange Jackets” (Outreach) brought him into the shelter 3 weeks ago with painful “peripheral edema”. Steve used the terminology. He described the pain and discomfort to me. How human-kind suffers, needlessly. How human-kind inflicts pain on human-kind. Them that’s got live in oblivion to those that’s not. It’s shameful… selfish… deplorable… “Life”… existence… disgusting. Yes, I’m a bit selfish: I’ve been accepted in this dorm and I’m getting to know my dorm-mates. I don’t want change now. I don’t need any more turmoil. So I hope we stay together a while. – BC told Steve about Santiago. HE hasn’t changed a bit. Just as he did for Geo. ge does for others. Good? Bad? It makes no big difference. It is the “law of the shelter”. – And so, I showered, and to bed. – Ramdai is making excuses and delaying my return to work. I… AM GROWING IMPATIENT AND ABOUT READY TO RETALIATE! I want OUT… of shelter, NYS, NYC, and perhaps life itself. – I’ve a bit of laundry and need shave/trim of beard, moustache, hair. The days are becoming difficult. – 9.07 BkCenPlz This morning, 5.00… BANG! RUMBLE! ROLL! BANG! CRACKLE! BOOM! THUNDER! THUNDER! THUNDER! In early morning darkness, Bellevue Psych/Shelter, it rolled and rumbled! In an almost morbid sort of macabre manner it was appropriate, relaxing. And Steve was getting ready to leave… Daily, he travels out to The Island. DAILY! Homeless, in the shelter, legs still swollen but improved, he goes to work. FUK these people who think Homeless are lazy and deserving nothing! David, an older gentleman, stuck 7yrs. Others who deserve help, support, a break. NOTHING! Meanwhile, those who WILL NOT learn/speak English, who speak with heavy alien accents live om the dole here… for long periods of time. It angers me. I got NOTHING, NOTHIN, NOTHING to start with. I KNOW how important ONE BREAK could be. Yet? I continue to get… NOTHING. I KNOW… – Overcast this morning. Warm. A bit of a breeze. Wet from last night’s rain. And I’ve entered this as I sit on the plaza, on the phone (which seems to be dying). It’s OK here, on Grand Army Plaza. I’m rather fortunate… in small ways. – I felt I should have done something for Steve this morning. He left in a down-pour, thunder. But the more I wanted to do for him, the more I asked myself: what will I do? We are the Fortunates… We know what to do with and about nothing. And I am learning to save “Self”… It’s painful when you want to help and can’t. But I MUST… Save “self”. – A library run day. All close at 18.00. Tomorrow? More. No schul. – Now to check to see if I got paid for last week-end. Hmmm – 9.33 When I begin to tumble into oblivion, there is no rope to grasp, no hand to hold. The MCU bal. is zero this morning. I don’t dare check TD. I fear, FEAR the MCU account is closed. TD will follow… You know what? It’s a good time to die. I’d like to finish getting this on-line. A week or so more and I’ll be caught up. Then… NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE!

SAT 18. 12.44 PenLib Last night, E1 lost the bed! It didn’t take very long for a replacement to come in. So far, he seems clean, quiet, considerate. – Steve(3) got to see Lipinsky and all seems settled there as well. David, Steve and I talked for a while tonight. Things are settling rather well. May this last! I need the “settle” for next week. – Ramdai, meanwhile, is being quite the little arse. She’s waiting for Wed. to put me back on the case! I NEED THE FUCKINGBLOOD MONEY DAMNIT BITCH! I GOT TOSSED FROM CASES. WHY ISN’T THE SAME APPLICABLE TO OTHERS? Anyway… I got to shower twice again last night. I’m glad for that. OK? OK. – This morning, I just didn’t really want to get out of bed! But I HAD to. So, up, coffee, little dump, shower, sort through the locker. I’ve packed for the beach today. (Fat fucking chance?). – The L ran shitty. Took me into and out of Bklyn! Then up on the 4 to GCT to the Flushing to the Q53. HOURS! WASTED! Storage. I dropped a “kit” and picked up the lotions for the beach… the A. SLOW! BAD SERVICE! THE BRIDGE OPEN ON S. CHANNEL! This day is going terrible. And now, 9 mins left on this PC and I’m off… to Waldbaums and Tilden… I hope. No telling what the rest of the day will be. – I’m wearing my kippa. I don’t care anymore. I just can’t. – The guy at storage was saying he needs to get out of NY. People here are just too nasty. Somebody bunged the loo again. People are just miserable. Me? I agree. VT is looking better all the while. – Well, time to trot and toddle. Let’s see what we accomplish with what’s left of the day. – SAT 18 June 17.35 MMLib I left the damned shelter at 8 this morning. Took the M15 to the L. The damned L didn’t stop at 3rd. Walked to Union Sq. The damned L only went as far as Bedford. No announcements. Back to Union Sq. Uptown 4 to GCT to the 7 to Woodside to the 53 to storage. Got my “Summer” lotions and on to the A to Rock. The shuttle was SLOW! The bridge opened! Finally. PenLib by 13.00! Took a PC. Got some logging done. To Waldbaums for lunch stuff. Q35 to Tilden. Sat at a table by B169th and ate. CLOUDS! Cool breezes but CLOUDS! NO BLOODY BEACH! Decided on SIBL at 14.00, Waited and waited and waited for the Q35 to The Jct,! Finally trook the 22 BACK to B116 for the 35. MORE waiting! Then, the 2 to Franklin for the 4 to GCT to the downtown 6. NO DOWNTOWN 6 SERVICE! No announcements! So here I am at MMLib. It REALLY IS TIME TO GET THE FUK OUT OF NYC! REALLY REALLY REALLY!

1. 8539266 said, on 19/06/2011 at 10:06 (Edit)
9.44 BryantPark waiting for the MMLib. – It never ceases to amaze how my own body revolts against me. As I waited for the M42, my bowels churned violently! I’d moved this morning. Moved last evening. But only when I’m NOT on the bowl do my bowels insist upon cleansing. JUST made it into GCT! for the 1 dump & little more. Took my time. Felt relieved. Hands washed. Sat to check bus routes & as I exited GCT… CHURN! UNbelievable! This coupled with having much difficulty urinating lately makes me think: there are greater things gone terribly wrong inside me. Prostate! Colon? What? But no insurance. No pay. Probably no banque accounts any longer. No way to find out what’s wrong… & not really wanting to know if/what. Only hoping to die suddenly, & not on the street, in genl. public. – I saw Khenkina this morning. Nr.3 on the list. There at 8.00. Seen by 8.45 or so. Out. She was understanding. Gave me the option of either Monday or Tuesday return. The only 2 days currently available to me. – Last night, very little sleep. Steve’s towel is SO FILTHY the stench gagged. He puts it atop his locker, & the stench is wafted into my face by the air coming in the window! And he showers… daily! But that towel HAS to go! Then he began talking in his sleep! BEER! He was demanding a beer! I told him of it this morning & we had a bit of a laugh. He confirmed: the store won’t sell beer before 8.00. This morning he wanted breakfast at the shelter & then out for beer. He’s OK. But it just shows: Drunk. – The new fellow in E1, Gerry, came in last evening, offered a cig. to David & I, introduced himself to David but not to me. It strikes me now & again: 4 to the dorm, only 1 isn’t Black. Life. The world. – I gave David more PopTarts yesterday. Why not? He asked for cig. I gave 2. THIS STOPS. No more cigs.
And a note: FRIDAY, Lovell posts a sign-up list. The usual mayhem to sign 1st. Moments later: he posts a NEW LIST! All must sign… AGAIN! How they manipulate! Bastards.
10.05 MMLib open. 45mins… off to Tilden… sun at least.

2. 8539266 said, on 19/06/2011 at 19:19 (Edit)
19.12 Q23 Yellowstone to Nr7. Got MUCH done at MMLib. And 30mins extra! – Then 7 to 53 (with some Sr. guy who was out for a ride… to the 35) & needed to talk. Poor fellow. – Waldbaums. 2 rolls for lunch. No filler. The beach by 14.30. Stayed to 17.30. – 22 to B116. Shuttle. A to Liberty. 21 to UnionTpke(Greenbergs). 23 to 7 (I’m en route). No particular rush. I’ve got 2 more hours. I’ve learnt not to stress. – Could get the E here (QnsBlvd) to 7. Don’t want to waste… the world… evening.

3. 8539266 said, on 19/06/2011 at 20:08 (Edit)
19.55 I boarded Nr7 at 103/Roosevelt, Corona. Air traffic fm LGA. A prop! Queens. The hub of NYC air transport. JFK. LGA. (No G trains tonight. Signal trouble. This city is miserable.) – Burlington will be a nice change. I need out of here. I might miss some of it but… – Mama didn’t die here. Probably didn’t want to die in Buffalo. Oma wanted to die in Germany. Irma died in Florida, away from Gottfried. Anita died in the Hotel Newburgh. I shall die in VT… on lac Champlain. Close to my Quebec… close enough. I just want some Peace before I go. Just some Peace. – 20.04 46th/Bliss. Funny? No. Not really. – Oh. A call fm Mimi! She wants to talk drives to Waubeka. Hah! Now! Will have to wait… see if I actually get Carmine x7days. Alas. – Must check: French jobs in Burlington. – The sun is low. Another day passed. Another day behind me. One less day to go.

4. 8539266 said, on 20/06/2011 at 09:08 (Edit)
8.50 BkCenLib Last night I got in at about 20.45. Yet another way to stretch time up to the line. Any time not in the shelter is good. Santiago wished me Happy Fathers’ Day. I signed, showered & soon after, lights out. – *At 1.30 this .orning GOD-AWFUL SQUEAKING IN THE HALL! REPEATED! YELLING! A cart of some kind. Squeaking along, back & forth. As David said this morning, “They can’t stand peace & quiet. They HAVE to make noise. It makes them happy when they make others miserable.” – 9.00 Ramdai: Start tomorrow! And 9-16! I worked 2 extra hours on the wk-end! And nobody noticed? The world! But 42hrs is still better than 9. OK. (Now to check the banque accounts.) – This morning: SmBM before shower. SmBM after. NoBM en route. But I’d swear there’s more wrong inside me than I can imagine. This morning I feel like I’m being eaten up inside. – Here, it’s time to check the Burlington Tourism. Maps, transport, employment, &c. Getting out of NYC keeps me going. – Down to 3 pks cigs. NOT GOOD. – Oh, and no Penelope yesterday. No matter. I’m not good enough to keep in touch with now… “Fair weather” fukU. – On with the day.

8539266 said, on 20/06/2011 at 16:46 (Edit)
16.32 Q53 BC. And the sea salt soaks into my roasted flesh. I WENT IN FOR A SWIM! Beached from noon to about 14.30. For some reason though, I felt hesitant to go in today. But the water was wonderful & the sun came through delightfully… this afternoon. There won’t be much beach to come unless I work 8-15.00 & go 16.00-17.00. Maybe I just might anyway. Now, unfortunately, comes the prob of laundry. I’ll manage. – An hour at PenLib. Blog & Burlington. PJ e-mailed: French will help me get work! ANOTHER PLUS! – I’m so familiar with so much travel in NYC now. Thoughtless travel through the boros. And now… to somewhere new. YES! I’M GOING! Summer is the perfect season to leave. – Another call from Mimi. IF I KNEW I could depend on her & the Gbrgs. I’d quit PIC. But I know better. Besides… *I GOT AN “EXIT QUESTIONAIRE” FROM PIC! I’M BETTING I’M NOT BACK IN PAYROLL! FUK! I’LL WAIT TIL FRIDAY TO CHECK. NO SENSE MUCKING NOW. THEY’LL OWE ME 5 DAYS’ PAY BY THEN. GOOD “EQUITY”. – Now on to MMLib. A bit more computer time & less shelter time. What I can’t do to occupy a day. – (On Tueday 21 June 11.25 BkCen Lib) As I’m going through the bag check at the MMLib I here “Well! Hello!” I turn round… GREGORY from 5W-101! Imagine that! Gregory! Still as darling and slow as ever but looking rather dapper and better groomed. Seems he’s STILL in the damned shelter system after all these years! They moved him to one in The Bronx a while ago. He asked after Rick and wanted to know how things are in 30th St. when I told him I’m back in there. Then proceded to tell all about his business… in the lift! Well. Gregory is Gregory and always will be… no doubt. Still, it was rather good seeing him (though I wish I’d stop seeing all these people STILL in the damned system!). – Got a LOT of research on VT done in my 45mins on-line! Now I can’t wait to get to PenLib to print! (JUST what I need: MORE PAPER TO CARRY! But this is worth it…) – On to the Hotel Shit-hole where… BC(1) has been gone for the 2nd day. Steve(3) missed sign-in AND bed-check!!!!! SO…. middle of the night: BOTH beds got filled! SHIT! 1 is an older-looking Hispanic. 3 is a light-skinned Black with do-rag. neither of them is too considerate. The lights were left on for the longest and both took their sweet-arsed time getting settled. 3 kept walking in and out. 1 had a little entourage saying “You’re gonna be aiight papi.” Well, David and I knew it was coming. Steve, meanwhile, showed just moments after bed-check, none too pleased about losing the bed. Well… that’s what comes from too much liquor. I wish I could be more caring but I can’t. You screw around and you get dumped. I wonder where they sent him…

TUE 21 June 11.34 BkCen: Got my Psych-Soc with Khenkina. WONDERFUL woman… and Jewish! – BRINDOU IS STILL AT THE SHELTER! – And I must be continuing… later.

21/06/2011 12.34 Q35 fm TheJct This day is passing quickly! – This morning: Khenkina is a compassionate woman. How amazing & interesting to talk with her. The “Psych/Soc” interview was, well, brief & uneventful. But getting to talk with this woman was a welcome reprieve. And to learn she too is Jewish! A miracle! – I come to think that my set-backs are thrown in to help me better appreciate good moments such as this morning. – However: I must always remember… I AM A MAN DESTROYED BY TRUST – What a damned shock to see BRINDOU this morning! Still as nasty as he was, confrontational, arrogant, vulgar. Parasite, picking fights & threatening. Idiot. Moron. Why he continues to exist is another mystery. Why he’s still in The Shelter… I’ll never understand. May it be his Eternal Hell. – At BkCen a truly up-lifting & encouraging e-mail fm PJ.Burlington. I’m now SO looking forward to the relocation. (Just need to figure the logistics of getting storage up there. But all will settle in due course & determination. And I have both.) How fascinating to meet nice people on “Twitter”… both accounts… – PenLib opens at 13.00. SIBL open until 20.00. Right now I’m quite hungry… AND OH SO BLOODY DAMNED FATIGUED! I had to wake before my body was ready. – Back is sun-burned a touch. No plans for the beach today. There will be time. – 12.49 MP Br. Over-cast. HOT. Humid. Lunxh in Tribute Park I think. Then to PenLib to transcribe… AND PRINT VT STATS! – It’s good: I have a visible & attainable goal… ESCAPE NY! – I NEED SLEEP!

21/06/2011 14.04 Lunch. Tribute Park. The bay is alive with horseshoe crabs, laying & getting laid. It was quite amazing to see. And the water is so clear! How shameful that it’s still not really trustworthy for swimming. – Got the 53 to PenLib. MUCH VT PRINTING DONE! I’M ON MY WAY!!!!!

22/06/2011 at 08:30 (Edit)
8.15 at HoBe sitting on the guard-rail. Too early for 9, too late for 8. Left at 7. Noteworthy. – Got my hour-plus15 at SIBL last evening. The BlackNotes are coming to the end if December ’09. January & February ’10 after that, then done. If I work until 15.00 I’ll have it finished soon. Then? Then. Perhaps a “clean-up”, add the illustrations. When it’s COMPLETE… there will be nothing left to be said, nothing left to tell, no more excuses to “keep on”. – And right now, there’s Burlington. – A rather good night last. Santiago remembered I smoke “Chesterfields”. Close. Non-menthol. We talked in the loo. Good recollections. Then, me to the shower. – Nr.3 doesn’t speak to me. Speaks to David though. Racism? Who cares? Not me. – Had to wake for a pee during the night. Watch… I’ll develop prostate troubles now. F.Me. Right? – Tried to meet with Schmulik yesterday. He was out of work too early so I just let it go. Sent an e-mail telling my plans for Burlington. We’ll see where that goes. He DID offer to stay in The City later. But this time I wanted to log the blog. Selfish of me… in little ways. – Now, 8.29 a bit over-cast. Hole in the umbrella. I’ll need a new one… VERY soon. Alas. – On to work… for shit money… in more respects than one.
14:35 (Edit)
14.24 TD SAVED! THANK THE WHAT-EVERS! AND… THEY’RE IN VT! WAHOO & WOOT! – Hours for work: 8-15.00 (9-16.00 today), every other wk-end off. Of course, Wednesdays will be the bitch, with the damned shelter & cw meets. But I’ll cover next week with transport trouble. After that? When it comes we’ll handle it. – Mrs. E. was very happy to see me back this morning. Mr.? Not so much. Kept telling me I need to go. Offered to show me the door. But this afternoon, he’s better. Just rather sleepy. – The floors & bed & dishes are done. He wouldn’t eat lunch so I did. Not my usual “calorie pounder” but food none-the-less. – Rang Mimi. Left msg on machine. With that & TD, I’m “good”. – The umbrella actually fell apart! It’s now, officially worthless. I’ll dump it when I leave work. No saving it at all! – I want to try for SIBL this evening. It might be tight, leaving at 16.00. But I won’t rush back to the shelter & I want to keep the momentum logging the BlackNotes. – I’m ready to doze. I wish I could be this tired at night. – HOT HOT HUMID HUMID! Summer. Hmpf.
20:03 (Edit)
19.38 (E4) ONE PARAGRAPH LEFT IN BLACKNOTES FOR DECEMBRE’09! and I ran out of time on the SIBL PC! SO CLOSE! But tomorrow I’m out of work by 15.00 with SIBL until 20.00. I’ll get the year done SOON. Goal? Finish & “clean” before Burlington. Hey! I can hope. – Nothing to eat. Hungry. But Gristedes ruined my first FoodStamps card. I don’t want them to do that again. And D’Ag’s too expensive. Maybe tomorrow I’ll run… RUN! to Waldbaums or KeyFood (I need coffee anyway) after work. Gotta eat. Gotta leave NY. – Mrs.E. offered ice cream today. Told me to help myself to what-ever’s in the house. She should know: 2 slices turkey, tomato & cheese (my intake all day). Mr.E. was quite weak today & Mrs. said he’d been ill the past few days. Poor guy. Funny: he wanted me to go all morning. All afternoon he was so sweet & thankful for everything. (Fm. the BlackNotes: I should have seen the nastiness of Guadagno. Revisiting Dec.’09 today showed me just how nasty she truly was! Bitch. AND how STOOPID I was with them AND the Greenbergs: 10$/hr. FUKME! Well…) – Made it into the Hell-hole just in time: DELUGE! right after I washed a T-shirt & under-drawers. Whew! – David was here when I got in. The guy in 1 is talking, offering coffee & Sweet’n’Low. Time will tell how that goes. Can’t be too trusting. He’s STILL waiting for this dump to clip the lock on his locker. Do I ever remember my first days on 5. – Moron in the hall: “Cuando cuando cuando”. Banging the garbage can. Arses abound. – Had a loo-smoke. Want another. Shouldn’t. – O JOLLY! NOW we’ve got coke in the damned room! It’s going to be a rough next few weeks… & it’s the OLD GUY! (& David). Well, no reefer. But yesterday they replaced the smoke detector in the dorms so smoking in here is out. Thankfully. – I HATE being in here so early. – Radio on. EARLY to work tomorrow. May the night be SILENT (Operations said they’ll clip 1′s lock tonight: 23-23.30. FUK! More noise in the middle of the night.) – Well? Hot. Humid. I should nap.
20:05 (Edit)
20.03 PS: Left the broken umbrella on the Cohancy guard rail. It felt so odd… leaving it behind. But it truly is useless… and now I have no rain protection. How “Homeless” of me.
21:41 (Edit)
21.31 Signed & showered. And the guy in 3 says he’s got a RADIO! The “rules” of this dump include “no electrical”. Now we have TWO radios in the room! Am I looking at jumping again? Just to keep the shit job I’ve got? IF I have to jump again, THIS time they go DOWN… (like that’s even possible… “down”. They’re at their lowest already… in all respects.) – I need to figure how to get the storage stuff to VT. – And tonight I go to bed hungry. Free food all over the place but I can’t get at it. Tomorrow will be an early morning. Alarm set at 5.15. On the bus by about 6.30. I’ll have buttered toast, maybe syrup too, at E’s. Somehow it’ll work out. – For tonight? Tolerance… I eat myself up in anger. Tolerance. – TWELVE (12) PAGES LEFT IN BLACKNOTES! 6 days… or close to it.

23/06/2011 at 10:19 (Edit)
10.03 HoBe FINALLY got some sleep last night when D.(2) & 1 stopped the racket. 3 was trying for sleep too. But 1&2 were coked. 1 has some kind of Mickey Mouse statue/doll-thing that makes talk & general noise. He had it going with D’s radio! 23.00! Fukkers. This is not boding well. Then 1 plugs in to charge the phone. No prob. But just moves MY things about to make it easy for HIM! (They clipped the lock for him. His shit is still all over the place. Another trashSpic (call ‘em as they are). – So this morning, woke with the 5.35 alarm. Little dump, no smoke. Shower. Dress. OUT! 6.16 on the M15 to the M14 to 8thAv. 6.43 on the Rock A. I half-dozed. – Lou (son-in-law): My mother-in-law is thrilled you’re staying. – 7.33 clock-in. – Mrs. asked me about her FS benefits! AGAIN, people who trust me! WTF? People trust me… I need to turn it into a benefit.
10:59 (Edit)
10.53 What I NEED to do is stop “Giving My Life Away”! – Well, I must note that some of the folks on Twitter are truly being emotionally supportive. AND… AND… AND… I’m looking forward to VT! – This morning I’m “eating”: bread, butter, syrup; an Ensure; coffee with ice cream. Little by little, nourishment. Won’t make up for yesterday’s nothing but better than more nothing. – Now, I’d luv a nap.

24/06/2011 at 11:06 (Edit)
10.57 HoBe Yesterday before today: *I CLOCKED-IN AT 7.33, SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT BY 14.30, SCREWED! Mrs. SHOWED UP FOR 15.00! I RANG RAMDAI. SHE’S PUTTING IN SO I GET PAID. FUKKIT! FUKKEMALL! NO MORE! NO MORE GIVE-AWAYS! I’M AT THE END! PERIOD! – It sent my entire evening off: I did get an immediate hour at PenLib.
11:29 (Edit)
Then bolted for a 53 to B116. Quick run-through at Waldbaums: PopTarts, apple turnovers(3), a bottle of Starbucks. I NEEDED to eat! Gulped the turnovers & coffee. Suddenly felt better. I REALLY NEEDED some kind of nourishment! (11.29 WOW, I’M TIRED.)
12:10 (Edit)
So… Shoving the 3 turnovers on the walk to the 35bus, finishing the last on the bus, gulping coffee, rang Schmulik. I’d sent him an e-mail telling of my intention to go to VT. He replied, he’s going to kick my “ass… literally”. I HAD to see him about that. – Well, NYC being what it is, the bus was late, then slow. The train at The Junction was a “just miss”. THEN the bloody 2 went along slowly. My time was destroyed! I got to the studio at about 18.30. Too bloody late for SIBL! I’m on the last 11 pages of the BlackNotes and now it’s going to be like this! Well. As it turned out, the time spent with Schmuel was fascinating: He’s upset. I tend to think he doesn’t want me to leave NYC. Might enjoy knowing I’m here, somehow. He lectured: There are thousands of other things you could do. And “you’d be perfectly successful at about 85% of them. He doesn’t understand that I’m exhausted from the hectics of this NYC. Kept telling me I’ll only fall into the same troubles no matter where I go. Told me I need to act on my resentments. Suggested I do what-ever I need to do to “lance” the boil that is my sibs. “You won’t get compensation but you need satisfaction”. Personally, I tend to believe it’s more to keep me here… for him. Sadly? Nope. I want out. Can’t keep doing for “others”, no matter whom. He also said something interesting: “You’ve always been too considerate of others. You have a job where you take care of others who take advantage of you and when they do, you get hurt.” OK. He sees it. He tries to talk me out of and away from it. I guess he “cares”… as much as he can, time, life & the world considered. I’m thinking he’s a bit as I am: We “care”, but the years have worn us down. Anyway, it would have been nice to have more time with him but at 20.24 we were still standing at 16th/8th. I had to get going. We parted at the A/L station, rendez vous tomorrow pending. – At Bellevue, David2 was asleep, radio on. 1&3 not in. I kept moving, signed-in immediately (20.45), made coffee, showered, enjoyed. –
20:01 (Edit)
(Continuing Thurs. 23.6 E2) “Enjoyed”? Well, as much as could be said. It was calm, quiet. I “enjoyed” as much as possible. – When 1&3 came in later, the pleasant shock was only moments of chaos. 3 even spoke: asked if he could plug into the outlet (at the head of my bed… fortunately/unfortunately). Then asked why I get up so early… “You work?”. He’s looking for Bldg.Maint. work. Has tools. (Wrenches. Drills. This causes me some concern. But he “seems” OK… I SAY “SEEMS”! There’s NEVER any assurance in this place.) – And, after the momentary insanity that is this charming resort… a night of restless sleep. My back itches something terrible!
20:26 (Edit)
20.01 E2 And… the count-down to break-down begins. It’s Friday. No doubt the shit will take to the halls tonight. Fuk me. – Bonne Fete Chere Viv. I miss you. – And the radio in the TV room BLARES! Told ya. Mayhem commences. – The day? Woke. Tiny BM. No smoke. Brush teeth. Shower. Dress for work. Got a later bus to 14th then the 14bus to 8th to W.A.I.T. for the bloody A to The Rock. But… I clocked in just before 8! When I arrived, silent house, breakfast things on the counter. Carmine asleep. I waited until 8.30, he woke with “What are YOU doing here?” But I diffused. Got him into the shower. Made his french toast. He at ALL! Then on to “light tidying”. No major house-work from now on. – VHS Gerrie came to check Carmine. We chatted. Very nice. Danielle back next week. LAH-dee-dah. As if… She did nothing to help me out of Guadagno. But now I know what to expect of her… Jack shit. – Carmine ate ALL his lunch, save 1 slice of turkey. I had a toast, butter, syrup for breakfast. An Ensure (he didn’t want & it appears he had anyway). The slice. BFD! But better than nothing. – Mrs. came by twice. Timing was perfect: He was clean, I was busy. – As is obvious, I tried a little journaling here but kept drowsing. – THE MCU ACCOUNT IS OK! I GOT PAID! 117. I’m curious to see WTF was taken out of my pay. But THE MCU ACCOUNT IS OK! Now to pay-down TD. SHIT! – At 15.03 I clocked-out. A (W.A.I.T.!) to BwyJct. L to Un.Sq. 6 to SIBL. That arse-head fm the 7th floor was there, watching his DVD player! Dozing. He didn’t see me come in. – 1,5hrs on the PC!!! I got quite a bit logged. – Rang Schmulik at 17.30-something. He’d be at work another 3 hours. I didn’t go to see him. Got the M16. – Just at 2nd I hear “How y’doin’ man?” RAMONE fm the 7th floor! I told him to sit. He’s the only one left up there. Even Roger got pulled. “Mental troubles” (as if I hadn’t noticed before). The rest are major combative, fights all the time. One fuck brought in FLEAS! The room’s infested! –
20:41 (Edit)
We dropped into RiteAid on 2nd. I NEED ANTI-ITCH powder! The staff didn’t know what I was talking about. I looked. They had NONE! Ramone left. I went to DuaneReade. Powder, ONE pk. cigs. A power bar. Oh well… – In at the Shit-hole. BREEZED IN! Are the “old times” back? They “trust” me? (Fuk) – In the room “Shabbat shalom”.Nr1! From Haifa! Isratrash! Imagine! – I’ve managed to eat PopTarts, make coffee for tomorrow, wash a polo, trim my beard. (I’d filed my nails at work.) Now, in light blue scrubs, waiting for sign-in. Angst about tonight’s bull-shit noise. BACK ITCHING in spite of powder. Arms itch too! Possibly the wash detergent? HOPEFULLY NOT SCABIES! – Well. Covered. Maybe more later… or tomorrow. – No days off for another 6 days. VT! KADIMA! (On the 16bus we stopped beside a car… TWO VT stickers. HmmmYay.
20:43 (Edit)
Oh. With all else? Horrible leg/foot cramps. Spiffy. – Sign-in… HOPEHOPEHOPE for SLEEPSLEEPSLEEP!
20:53 (Edit)
Nr.1′s name: Nabil Something. Israeli-Arab! Charah!

25/06/2011 at 00:04 (Edit)
23.52 David’s got the bloody radio on! I just came back from a hot shower & a quick smoke (tear the filtre off, 4 deep draws)… my back is covered with little welts and itchy as all hell! I think the itch is due to the laundry soap. Now I’ll have to BUY laundry soap and re-wash EVERYTHING! More money going out! But, it wasn’t easy in the beginning the last time round. – Why am I not wasted with fatigue? I will be at 5.30… can I hold out, hold up until then? And it’s going to be Saturday… Maria will be at home all day. No snoozing with Carmine. – Pride Week-end too. No parade on Sunday. Alas. – FUK! My back itches so badly. It almost burns. This is just more misery. And I can’t head out at this hour. The “new rule” forbids it. – But all of us are in here. No “surprise” over-nighters. – Sneezing now. Ducky. I’m gonna Twitter a bit. Might as well. Can’t sleep. – Cool breeze tonight. Oh, and I powdered the mattress with Gold Bond. It obviously doesn’t work. – WFAN baseball… in the middle of the bloodyfukking night. But David took a sleeping pill from Nabil earlier. Fukking shit-heads.
19:21 (Edit)
18.55 E4 Another day… This morning I didn’t bother looking at the time much & didn’t try to or not try to make noise at 5.30. But David2 had the balls to ask me for the time at 5.45. The goddamn radio didn’t go off til almost bloody 3.00 this morning! I need to short out his outlet. – Well. The route to HoBe: 6-14th to 4-Fulton to A-N.Conduit. Arr’d 7.45 & strolled slowly. Clocked-in 7.53 or so. Mr. up in chair already, had eaten. Mrs. home most of the day. But it wasn’t bad. Lou came by. We talked banquing & Jews & the likes. He tells .e Mrs.E. is thrilled to have me on the case. (For now… thinkst I.) – Mrs. offered hard-boiled egg, 2 slices toast. I accepted. Food. OK! Then she was out. – Lou came by later… pizza! New Park. 1 slice. Very good. – I dusted, made bed with Mrs. there. Show her I “work”. She washed floors. Said she did it every week-end. OK then. – Mr. got TWO changes today AND I HAD to take him out. He was a bit “distorted” & his legs were weak. But we made a small excursion next door for a bit. – Hot day. No rain. 86% humidity. – I left just after 15.00. Reverse of this morning’s trip (no L svce. 8th through 1st. SIBL by 16.20. PC at 16.25. Hour 20mins. 8 pages of BlackNotes left! Tomorrow’ll probably be a waste, no library (I NEED FOOD, COFFEE!). But 8 pages! Yahoooo! – Tomorrow’s “Pride” parade. NYS approved Gay marriage this morning just past midnight. (BFD). It should be quite celebratory. I wonder if Steve S. will attend. I’ll be in HoBe… up to my elbows in pissy diapers. My “life”: pissy diapers. – Well. The dorm’s empty. I’m in bed-scrubs. Back ITCHING! It’s something in this top! Maybe fungus from the dampness the past few days. I don’t know. Tomorrow I’ll buy Benadryl: in case of allergy & to help with sleep. I don’t have many days of “toleration” left. And right now (19.20 I close my eyes.
21:11 (Edit)
20.50 I actually SLEPT from 19.31 to 20.35! And I’ve signed-in already. – Rudely awakened by Spics at the soda machine (that thing needs to go… will work in that) and D.2 flipping the light on, mumbling “Sign”. He’s apparently miffed… at me(?) (go to Hell D.). I wish I could figure a way to put them all to sleep in here… just for the night. Especially since it’s going for “sleep time” and I know they’ll all come to motion ever so very soon. This floor (6) is an “older” crowd. But there’s an OVER-abundance of Spics… LOUD, CACKLING Spics. Yet another reason Burlington looks ever so delightful: low “Hispanic” population. Once the BlackNotes are done, JOB-SEARCH commences. 4 full-time cheques should do it for the move. Storage is the only catch at present. And maybe phone service. – I do believe the move will be a drastic cut from NY. I’m in need, dire need of getting out and away. Burlington is a younger town. But it has a Quebec and Canada influence. THAT will be quite welcome. French… not Spanish. In spite of what Schmulik insists: “You will go there & it will be great for some months. But unless you change who you are, you’ll soon be doing the same thing there (letting yourself be taken advantage of and being disappointed) and you’ll be angry again.” Well, perhaps there won’t be those who’ll be so prone to taking advantage. Hmmm? Perhaps there’ll be a “better quality”, “better calibre”, better educated, higher civilised people there. Perhaps. I can hope. I can look. I can go. – He also asked: So instead of leaving on the beach, you’ll be leaving in a lake?” I replied “I’ll have the option of fulfilling a dream… leaving in the St. Lawrence… in French.” At least I won’t be leaving in “SpicSpanish”. – I think the itch might be due to locker-dampness. Something in the scrubs. I powdered before putting them on. The itch is there. Though tonight, not so bad. I’ll shower with shampoo before retiring. It helped last night. – I’m really quite hungry. But I need sleep more than food right now. Sleep. Imagine.

26/06/2011 at 12:48 (Edit)
12.43 HoBe I CAN’T BELIEVE: Nabil’s(1) replaced. One of his cronies came by, AFTER the bed was re-assigned, to say that Nabil’s in hospital. Something about one-side pain. What-ever. I don’t much Mr. Nabil & cohorts. Too much something going on there. The new guy? IndoPak or something. Wasted liver.
13:16 (Edit)
Says he ruined it by drinking. My 1st thought was: How can I help? My 2nd thought: Great! HepC! Both thoughts hit simultaneously. I let it go. Then he said “I’m very tired.” David had his head-phones on. Silence! Brown(3) was messing with plastic bags but… silence. I’d showered, only slight itching. I WENT TO SLEEP. SLEEP!
SUN.26 I wanted to sleep this morning. But Burlington calls. So too, the need for money. Up. BM/smoke. The routine and out… to HELL HELL HELL! – Nr.6, 11mins wait. Nr.4 at 14th, 11mins wait. I tried the L, 14mins wait. Back to the 4. No Nr.5! FUUUK! Wait for the A. To Rock… LOCAL ALL THE BLOODY WAY!!! I got to work at 8.11!
13:32 (Edit)
I’d expected some kind of lecture on tardiness (Mrs.E. has said, several times, “If you no can get here by 8.00 I’m sorry, I have to change agencies.” But, I’ll be docked 30mins no matter what at 8.11. I was ready to toss it. But Mr. was still in bed. Yesterday he’d had a tough day. Bad legs, but Mrs. insisted he get out. So he did the stairs. The families are un-reasonable.) Anyway, Mr. got showered, bkfst. I cleaned. Mrs. cleaned. Settled. Fine. – I’ve eaten. Stuff. Mrs. made extra rice/veg for me. I still need to get to market today… AND STORAGE FOR VitC! Thankfully I have vit.C. – Otherwise, I still haven’t rung Mimi. I’m not making me available for the “driving/homecare shit any longer. Rec’d e-mail fm Moe yesterday: curt. I’m tempted to reply with “Sorry my time & efforts aren’t worth 5 extra bucks.” but I’m considering. It really isn’t worth it. Better to simply walk away from it all. Burlington. – Tired at the moment. Want to get to storage, MMLib (8 pages left!), market for coffee. Storage is most important today. Then MMLib. – 13.28 A guy’s repairing the stoop. I don’t want to take Mr.E. past the rubble. I’ll check/change Mr. in a bit. Then? – “Heritage of Pride” forecasts MAJOR attendance of festivities this year. And here I am.. Fuk’d again this year. And to think I’d thought about going with Steve… fm 7th flr. ‘OMG Imma SO STOOPID!’
20:46 (Edit)
20.22 E4 Well, the day went OK. I ate. The rice from Mrs.E. was very good! Mr.E. ate almost all of lunch. Mrs. seemed happy with my work. And even though I clocked-out at 15.05 I got SCREWED out of my 45mins at MMLib by MTA. Headed to CBN for the Q35 to storage. IT WAS PACKED!!! So I walked to the A. WAITED! – Storage: got a 32day supply of VitC, creamer. Can’t find the other mirror & I need a haircut! HOWever, I was happy to grab a swig if vodka. WHAT a RELIEF! It just took the edge off. Then, to RiteAid: cigs & “Gain” dish soap, for laundry. Got COFFEE (& PopTarts) at the market on Liberty. Great prices! I’m happy. Then, the day lost, the A to Fulton. At Fulton, I decided to take the bus on Water. For some reason, the legalisation of Gay marriage grabbed me. Choked me a bit. So I sat for a bit to Twitter: on both accounts. I was feeling bold & melancholy at the same time. 47 years after Stonewall. And my Mum not here. I wonder what she’d say. No doubt she’d be happy… even though I’m too old (& worn out) to benefit. Still, it’s quite an historic accomplishment. – Back at the Shit-hole… the guy in Nr.1: Jesus! How funny! Jesus and Judah! – I washed a t-shirt, socks, towel. The towel has stains. But all is clean. Just a few things remain. – David came in. I gave him PopTarts… just to stay in good. Fuk. I don’t need shit. Then got on NYCme Twitter. FUN SHIT! Homeless & non. Twitter has become my “touch”. – 20.40 David listening to some music. Had BAI on for a while. Old radio shows. Michael Jackson now. – And I’m not a part of a great moment in Gay history. Sux! But “typical”. – A thought on the A: the iPod compensates for the wedding ring & Gund that Schmulik destroyed. And how odd: I resent his common bullshit, telling me how my life is wrong with-out advice how to make it better. Common shit. Common. I’m in no mood. – And Burlington is still my driving force. Burlington. No more NYC. – A note: MOUSE IN THE DORM this evening! Almost ducked into my locker. Oh well. Bellevue continues to sink…
20:57 (Edit)
20.55 GAMES? Almost 21.00 and no sign of sign-in! No word. No “security” on the entire floor. – Jesus just tells: sign-in on 5th floor. Fukkin bastards!
21:44 (Edit)
21.32 I go. I sign. I’m leaving. STEVE! E3! D33! He’s in here! It honestly was good to see him here… not Wards or Bed-Atl! I offered to help him if I can. He grabbed me, cheek-to-cheek. “Y’know I love y’man.” Big grin. Here I go again? Why me? Well. WTF? Just don’t let THIS one go shooting somebody! What-ever. He’s sweet. Works. Cabinet-maker. Drinks a bit much. But… me too… if I could. He spent 7 yrs on the rails. Brought in by Outreach. Tough. Kind though. Got a sweet side. Yup. Here I go again? – Meanwhile, I’m showered. David’s got FUV on the radio. 30′s-40′s music. The TV’s on some old movie. Music’s the same. Out in The City, Lady Gaga’s ruling the night. In here? The world should only know. – I’m showered. Back itches a bit. But that itch in the left eye is gone. Something’s going “right” (I’m in for BIG SHIT NOW!) – Just waiting for bed-check. – Tomorrow I start taking pictures from “Monogram”. To Photobucket. To the blog. 8 pages to type. Then proof/correct. I believe I’ll get a “Flash” to store ALL the documentation from ALL the blogs. My life… in my pocket.
22:00 (Edit)
D18 – F39: F=6th lettre of the alphabet plus3=9 plus9=18 – E4: E=5th lettre of the alphabet plus 4=9 x2=18 – Storage locker nn18
18=CHAI

27/06/2011 at 19:08 (Edit)
18.49 E4 T-shirt & itchy scrub top washed. I’m wearing light blue jeans (need washing), grey polo. CLOTHES! Hmmm… – A tough beginning to the day. Got to work in plenty of time, clocked-in at about 7.40. Quiet house but Mr. in a very bad mood! Combative! Until I simply removed the bed linens & he simply got up! To think I’d argued with him. From then on, a wonderful day! – I rang Ramdai to ask for Wed. She said “You never call out. I’ll get you coverage. Take the whole day off. Relax.” You KNOW I appreciate the time. BUT I NEED THE MONEY MORE! Then Mrs.E. asked if I could just come later for a few hours instead of having somebody new! She actually wants ME there. (But so did that conniving sack of shit Guadagno… to my face… back-stabbing, ungrateful bitch). So, I’m letting it ride. Meanwhile, I’m eating during the day. Not enough. But more than nothing. “Just enough”. – I got many photos off the phone & on Photobucket. Now I’m prepping to get the “Monogram” sketches shot to put into the blogs. – Went to SIBL after work. An hour & some. I’m so tired I almost couldn’t type. But another 2 (or 3) pages closer to Complete! There’s tomorrow after work & MAJOR RUN on Wednesday for 3 libraries (and SOME beach please?). I NEED to get this done. – And so… back into the Hell-hole now. It’s nice right now: quiet… before the mayhem. And it’s cooler in here than out-side so I’m rather enjoying… whilst I may. – Have decided: I’m not communicating with the Greenbergs any further. I’m insulted beyond about the 15$ rate & Moe’s curt e-mails. I’ll communicate when I figure out how to retrieve MY belongings from CT (before leaving to VT… which is what I’m still planning) Fukkem! – My back is itching! I’d washed this shirt in shelter laundry soap. I’m allergic. Thank goodness I got the other stuff!

28/06/2011 at 08:59 (Edit)
8.49 HoBe It wasn’t half bad last night in spite of David & the radio (CBS.FM) for a while. And I fell asleep before “Brown” put the lights out! – This morning I woke to the alarm, “rested” as much as possible. Last evening’s wash was dry (but tonight I MUST wash the lt.blue scrubs pants! URINE! It happens… I’m old & the plumbing’s leaking & I’ll “smell Homeless” too soon.) Anyway, quick smoke & no BM (not good). – Quick commute. Clocked-in at 7.48! – The “I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!” anxiety hit this morning. It makes my head & heart POUND terribly. But: Keep it in mind, with-out the panic. It’s good to remember, but NOT allow it to cause panic. – I’ve got about 60plus sketches from “Monogram” photographed. Not “quality” with the phone. But something for the WebJournal. – Not rushing Mr. yet. Coffee first. – Should be an interesting day… school lets out. Summer! Fuk! – VT at end of July*Goal.
19:57 (Edit)
19.38 E4 ACCOMPLISHED! (adj.) A relatively easy day in HoBe. Mr. in an OK mood. Danielle came by. Guad. is dead. (I wish I had his boots & a place now!) She had much to say about Mrs. Guad: 2-faced bitch COMPLAINED about ME! FUK! Well, I learn more. I learn again. But as Danielle says: It hurts those who really DO appreciate me because now, 2 years later, my trust is gone & all suffer.
*TRUTH: Some give til it hurts. I’ve given til it destroyed.* (Fuk. I’m back in the shelter… 10$/hr.)
OK. Tomorrow’s another day. – *I can SENSE a “Security Guard”! Got on the A back this evening. Looked at a pair of boots across from me and “felt”… “Security Guard” and YUP! Same company used here! Young Black guy. Uniform and all. And I didn’t look… I FELT… I KNEW! MUST trust my gut/intuition more… and more. – Got my hour at SIBL. Not sure how many more pages to go but maybe 6? GETTING THERE! GETTING TO THE END! And so many photos to add. WOW! – Stopped at Gristedes in 28th this eve. PopTarts are 4,29$! Got 3 pastry-things at 1,29$. Not bad. Not good. I’m still hungry. – Back at the dung-heap, I washed the locker. Got the stickers off at last. They were so f bloody filthy they’d stained my wet towel. A Wildcat let me use broom & mop. FLOOR’S CLEAN TOO! Washed scrubs bottoms, towel, socks. CLEAN. (Now I need a shave & haircut!) – SOAKING FROM SWEAT! It’s 27deg in here but HUMID! SHIT! Even my own body heat is HOT! I can’t take much more of this. – August. VT. That’s it. That’s all. Done. July to figure logistics. And Monday’s “Holiday Pay”.
21:30 (Edit)
21.14 Signed. Shaved. Showered. Ah, the shower. I’m in, 2 Spics come in, stand with-in finger-length of each-other and YELL! Reminded me SO much of the 5th floor: “WTF is their problemme? Stand right in front of each-other and YELLING! Fukkin deaf muthufukkuz. (We only call ‘em as they are. Truth.) Then some guy comes in slamming the garbage can around. Used it to put his clothes over whilst he showered. But SLAMMED the damned thing. I mean, WTF? – But sign-in was on 6 tonight. OK for that. And now? Spics at the soda machine. One is trying to punk the coin return (trash). RadioBoy’s got WFAN on. And there’s some kinda noise coming from the TV. Shelterfuk. – The guy in Boston’s having “guard troubles”. First, they confiscate his own pillow. Tonight they’re giving him more shit. Even in Boston. Kick the Homeless. I pray they rot, painfully and very long-term. – August. Birth month. Deadline. VT. Out of here. Out of NY. (No more NY taxes.) NORTH. AUGUST. No more Spanish. No more “entitled” “minorities”. Just OUT. – Thought: light blue scrub top, navy bottom, same colours as “Security”. So funny. – Tomorrow… Khenkina. Joy. (SHOOT ME!) – Jesus and I talked today. So far, a quiet man. – Now, Brown will come in and fuk around a while. Bed-check. I’m hoping to sleep through it all. Packed day tomorrow. – WHY does “DHS” do “Psych/Soc.” eval and then keep the druggies & freaks in with the GenlPopulation? More “just plain shit”.

29/06/2011 at 07:34 (Edit)
7.17 5th Floor “lounge”. Waiting for Khenkina. 4 others here already. Showered. Jeans. Grey polo. Packed for Tilden… just in case. Bowels “stuffed”. No BM yesterday. Small this morning. – Precious little sleep last night: Brown(E3) lost the bed. Came in after 23.00 sounding surprised. “I’m transferred. A lot of people came in late, lost their bed.” BULLSHIT! THEN he cuts on the light, rattle, crumble, thud, bang… Leaves. COMES BACK! Rattle, crumble, thud, bang. I was JUST going to put his locker in the hall! – Settles. – SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! Knocknocknock. “Hello?” The new E3. “Hello?”? WTF? Squeaking sneakers AND “Hello”? THIS is NOT the HILTON. He comes in, tosses his jacket on the locker OVER MY FACE! I lost it! Gave him the “Respect” lecture. I pounded my locker (forgot how LOUD that can be… oops, but point well-made indeed), a loo-smoke. E3 says he’s judt going to make the bed, in the dark. IT TOOK THE BETTER PART OF AN HOUR OR LONGER! I just figured: FUKIT! He finished… comforter and all! and left… I fell asleep… for MAYBE 3 hours. – UP at 5.15. Shit. Teeth. Schmooze with David & Jesus (what a roster when you factor me in those names). E3′s locker is empty, bed made; he didn’t come back last night (something I’d said? I hope so). – And now to wait, wait, wait (7.31 Khenkina just arrived) for the mass chaos & battle for the sign-up sheet. FUK THIS PLACE! FROM HERE ON, “We gonna use what we got to get what we want! So…OH…!
09:26 (Edit)
9.11 M15 to Fulton. – After the routine mayhem and chaos, I was Nr2 on “the list”. By 8.33 I was at the bed. By about 8.45 I’d exchanged linens AND got a blanket! – Khenkina was curt but pleasant and “seems” to want to work with me re: paper-work, appointments and tells me that PIC can be sued by The City if they refuse to give me work because I’m in The Shelter. She says she understands that I don’t want it to be known BUT she’s VERY willing to go legal IF they try anything against me. (Do I trust her? Nope and HELLnope.) But, I’m off to the libraries-run to “make” paper-work for her (and me). She tells: Everything’s become stricter, more involved, more confusing. I can see that. One slip and… finished. – Well? David was still in bed at 8.35. Always one. But with-out a job… Tho at least TRY for SOMETHING? Nah. Why bother? And then there’s his age: 60. – Meanwhile, my day begins. HOT-HOT but lower humidity. And the challenge to accomplish ALL! – I AM SO HUNGRY!
21:56 (Edit)
21.32 E4 What a damn wasted day! Yes, I was out of Khenkina by 8.33. Yes, fresh linens on the bed. But that’s where the relative nothing got accomplished. – BkCen early enough. Quick on the PC. Hot the PIC & MCU on the Flash. But AGAIN, I couldn’t remember the on-line log-ins for either MCU or TD! So, it was off to The Rock… P.O: Paystub! VT INFO! YEAH! Waldbaums: Focaccia, muenster (great sandwiches), tinned coffee, fruit, Fage & big box of PopTarts, bottle of “water-stuff”. To the PenLib… the bloody computers were down! An HOUR WASTED! trying to get one to function! WASTED! I headed to Tilden… 14.30. SHIT! Cloudy. I sat, very alone, at a picnic table, had lunch. 2 cigs left. I took my time over lunch. FOOD! CALORIES! NEEDED! RELAXATION! PEACE! PEACE! And a 413 in the general loo. RELIEF! Quite large too. No wonder. – Q22 to B116. Q53 to RiteAid LibertyAv. Cigs & lighters (mine was empty). Money spent. I’m about to regret it. The phone & storage come due. I don’t think I’ll be getting paid this Friday. Of course not: Holiday wk-end, I’ve got off, broke. My “life”. – Went to storage to find the other mirror. I NEED a hair-cut. Tore the place apart! No mirror. But I brought a chambray & some socks (the ones from George. A pair returns to The Shelter.). Also brought the dryer sheets (some already stuffed into the locker). – The A-L-6. SIBL. 18.25 already. Got the TD statement done. All’s ready for PRINT. AND MORE BLACKNOTES TRANSCRIBED! 3-4 pages left! (But, had PenLib been functioning, it would’ve been better. And I can’t work it on the wk-end… libraries are closed!) – Got back to Dunghell at about 20.00. NEW E3 AGAIN! Maybe I scared last night’s?. – Signed. Showered. It’s HOT in here again (and might be getting hotter…with the new Rican… fuk.) – So, the new E3 comes in. Old guy. Yes… Ever polite with the mouth but… BANG! the locker. Shit ON the licker. On the phone (21.54). LOUD. I’ve set MY alarm, full/vibrate, 5.10/5.13. They can be rude? I’m on Selfish. WE shall see…
22:01 (Edit)
21.57 I do have Xanax (BANGBANGBANG This guy’s gonna get shit… The morning’s are MINE) here. I don’t want to use them though. OK. Right after “bed-check” I’m down for the night… IT HAD BETTER GET QUIET AND STAY QUIET TONIGHT! AFTER LAST NIGHT? SOMEbody’s gonna regret my presence in this room tonight (and tomorrow at 5.10)
22:04 (Edit)
22.02 BED-CHECK! Radio blaring. No David RadioBoy. FUUUUUK!
29/06/2011 at 22:05 (Edit)
22.02 BED-CHECK! Radio blaring. No David RadioBoy. FUUUUUK! – OH! OH! FUKKIN E3 knows he’s got the bed today but waits until 21.00 to move? FAIL!

30/06/2011 at 13:56 (Edit)
13.47 Got to sleep OK last night. This morning: Got up, got out, got running, got to clock-in at 7.30! At 8.00, “Patrick” arrived! PIC sent him AGAIN! So, I rang PIC: call back when Ramdai is in. We waited. 8.30 Ramdai’s no longer Spvsr. on account. Madaline!? Madeline says Ramdai put me “off” x2days. But wait… ShawnBailey says only 1 day on notes. Bottom line: *I* had to leave! More income lost! – I spoke with Mrs. She’s NOT pleased. Neither am I, esp. dialect.
16:53 (Edit)
16.32 (“esp. dialect”? WTF? I AM SO BLOODY EXHAUSTED!) Q35 back to TheJct., hopefully a Nr.5 train to SIBL. And the day went: A to B59th to get FS appl. for Mrs.E. The 22 to B116. Waldbaums: 3 apple turnovers, tinned coffee (meals) consumed on the Q35 to TheJct to the Nr.2 to BkCen to work the “statements”, look-up employment agencies in VT & border patrol jobs. Several openings in Burlington for “Quebecoise”-speakers on Craigslist! OK! – Back to the Nr.2 back to PenLib to print Khenkina’s paperwork & mine, AND more BlackNotes logged on-line (3,5pgs. left!). – The 22 to B116 to where I am now… stewing in the rage from this morning. Esp. since what I’m logging is a lot of the shit I took from Guadagno, the extra “un-paid” time, the abuse. Yes. VT is the goal. I SO want OUT and AWAY! – Am preparing to take PIC to court. Patrick claims they’re “hiring” so many so they get some kind of “award”. An “Obama” thing: create more jobs, hire more people, get an award. TWITTER TIME for the TRUTH. A new account, a new truth… on-line. – Odd, how I still don’t feel “severed” from Rockaway. I don’t “miss” it. I spend much time in it. – Right now my anxieties: No pay tomorrow. Storage will hit the account tomorrow. Phone due on Monday. I NEED MONEY… NOW! But I honestly can’t think about it, lest I lose my bowels (& I’ve been constipated… small BMs, not good). Also, cigs. It just gets worse. And now I learn Lombardi took Estremo. No Danielle! New RNs on the case. New forms. New protocol. Fuk! BUT… 4 more weeks… O.U.T.! D.O.N.E.! F.I.N.I.S.H.E.D.! F.U.C.K.A.L.L.! – 16.52 KingsPlaza. Time is moving quickly. This friggin bus is not. I LOATHE NY.
20:22 (Edit)
20.00 E4 TWO PAGES LEFT IN BLACKNOTES!!! An hour, 15mins at SIBL. TWO PAGES LEFT!!! And on the M16 back to the Dung-heap I wondered: WHAT will I DO when it’s finally DONE? The transcription has become its own journal. It’s kept me busy, occupied, travelling, soje-what sane. It’s been an “Old, Dwar Friend” who has talked with me of good and bad times. It’s my story, my history. It’s my existence and my ‘life’. And now, very soon, it will be open to the entire world. My time, from 1954 through, will be open to every and any one. The “good” I’ve done, accomplished; the “bad” I’ve done (relatively); the shit pulled, the names are there. Open, told, forever telling. My “Legacy”. – So bad the libraries will be closed the week-end. So sad. – I’ve photographed 99 sketches from Monogram. More to come. They’ll become part of the Journal. I’ll make a copy of it… all… just to be certain it remains long, LONG after me. These “metro” notes will be included. (I MUST PAY THE PHONE SOMEHOW!) And soon? A whole new chapter will be added… VT. I look forward to that. – For now: The evening is magnificent. Another one that makes the Bakfort SO enticing. Low humidity, kind temperatures, clear sky. That new bldg. “Alexandria” (that was a hole in the ground in ’09) grabs & reflects the evening sun, THROWING it down 29th street! Amazing! – I got in at about 19.40 or so. A relative zip through metal detector and the lift. That “faggy” “security” “guard” is still here. SUH-WISH HUNNEEGURL! Too funny though. – E3 is “un-packing”. I walked in to about SIX HUGE BAGS of “stuff” in the floor! Either he’s been here that long or he’s planning to stay that ling. What-ever. None of my business. – 4 PopTarts. Call it “dinner”. – I must nap briefly…
21:08 (Edit)
21.05 Notes: 1.Jesus 2.David 3.Guillermo Cruz… speaks NY English and Spanish, been here 1,5yrs, from 3rd fl., xfrd when he went into hospital, fave expression “Shit!”, accumulated TONNES!
21:12 (Edit)
Showered. EXHAUSTED! Psyched: The bi-lingual jobs and Border potential. But border jobs are Dpt Homlnd Sec… DHS! Holy Fuk! Anyway, I’m so tired I’ll probably sleep through the rattling of plastic bags (but I’d rather not have to… THAT cinched it. I’m DOOMED to a night of… CHAOS… no doubt.)