2 Responses to “02. February”

Friday February 8 Uptown Nr. 1
At the end of the seats, beside thte doors
on an uptown number 1 train we sat
across from one another.
I glanced at you – Did you glance at me?
I can only hope. – I’m hoping now.
You wore black leather
cap and jacket, and sneakers: yellow and black
(if memory serves).
I wore black nylon aviator jacket
blue jeans and work boots…
I was reading a book.
At 66th you left me behind.
Stepped off the train
looked left, then right
then left, then right
and walked away
and out of sight.
I sat in silence
regretting my silence – and lack of nerve…
I sighed.
Can you – will you
give me a chance?
(The memory of you won’t let me rest)
Please let me know and give me peace
or at least a try and happiness.
Location: 66th and Broadway
(Posted but never got noticed… Oh well… time moves on…)
beachwolf said this on February 23, 2008 at 12:55 pm | Reply

I’m not certain how or why that prose got posted to this page, but I’m leaving it here. – Just getting caught-up with May and beginning on June notes tonight. It’s late. I should have been in bed and on my way to sleep about 30 minutes ago. But Fran is cleaning her bed-room and I want to get as much done on this as possible so that I can simply resume fresh again. – This “Life” is taxing me and my energy. And tomorrow… work… at 7.00. I just hope the car co-operates. (Thanks Doug… 1800$, 200$ paid. But you promised to make repairs to the engine and replace the tyres… you did NOTHING!)

Fri.1Jun: (I’m not going to keep track of the Days Remaining on the 30-Day Evict Notice. Makes no sense at this juncture.) 23.28: In 30 days, the car will be useless… the inspection will expire and I have no records that show that the car is mine and I certainly don’t have the money to pay for an inspection. NOT TO MENTION, THERE’S NO WAY IN HEAVEN, HELL OR OTHER-WISE THAT IT WILL EVER PASS! THERE’S ENTIRELY TOO MUCH WRONG WITH IT. Doug promised to repair it… no repairs were done. Doug promised new tyres… they never happened. And it’s beginning to stall every time I have to stop for traffic or lites. FUKKED AGAIN! – At 9.00 this morning, I had my interview at Home Instead for home care (I don’t want to go back to that) for 1,5hrs; it ended with no firm offer so… since I had the time and was in the area, I headed down to Days Inn: Front Desk; start tomorrow!!!!! Can you believe it? I feel a bit guilty since Silas went to apply for the job just yesterday and the woman who interviewed me today just made him feel so uncomfortable. But at least one of us will be working (and I OWE him 80$ plus much gas money!) – After the interview, I picked Silas up and went into BTV to register at BTV Health Ctr with Dr. (PCP) ( arr’d 12.30 for 12.45 appointment!) and then Silas and I headed to Hannaford’s for coffee and donuts (on FS) – At 14.00, I had an interview at Pillsbury Manor; no commitment but OK interview. SO NON-COMMITTAL! Makes me sick! – Changed into my jeans in the car outside Silas’ and we headed to Denny’s for something to nosh and to pass some time… Whilst there…CALL FROM UNDERHILL CTR PO! I HAVE AN INTERVIEW FOR PMR ON 14 June! PMR! I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch! So, after noshing, we took a drive out to find the most wonderful little PO out there! Truly! Just wonderful! I’m completely hopeful that I can get this job! Pay is less than the motel and the hours are considerably less… but I LUV IT! – To Fran’s for a visit and then I was off to drive Silas home. – Very late dinner! AGAIN TONIGHT! – Silas went back to Rachel, asswipe. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his loneliness, but… the guy’s adorable and deserves SO MUCH BETTER! None of my business…
(*Notes In Haste:
Fri.1Jun 23.28:
– The car will be useless in 30 days
– 9.00 Home Instead x 1,5hrs; no firm offer
– Days Inn: Front desk; start tomorrow
– Pick up Silas
– BTV Health Ctr to registre with Dr. (PCP) ( arrd 12.30 fir 12.45 appntmnt)
– Hannafords coffee dinuts
– 14.00 Pillsbury Manor; no committment but Ok
interview
– Changed outside Silas’
– Dennys…
– Call fm Underhill Ctr PM: Interview 14 June! PMR!
– Drive to find GORGEOUS PO!
– Fran’s
– Drove Silas home
– Very late dinner!
* Silas back to Rachel, asswipe.*)

Sat.2Jun: 19.58 Got to bed round mid-night last night. Up at 5 and couldn’t wake! Margot. All over again! (And Fran’s been “napping” from since about 17.30 or so… No comment… makes me sick! If she’s all awake at 21.00, I’m going to sleep in the car tonight!) – Work at the motel by 7.30. Exhausted! Tough learning when you’re half dead. But I muddled through… Experience… The job’s tedious. I was told I need a white shirt and tie! (From about 17.00 to 19.30 I re-packed my things… I have NO white shirt and can’t find my tie now that I need it!) Fukkit! It’ll have to wait. – Donuts (and Nick-In-The-Glove) on the way back. – Chit-chat. Then Fran off to nap as I re-packed. There will be much damage in the end of this. – Breakfast cereal for dinner. – I’m in no mood to journal.
(*Notes In Haste:
Sat.2Jun 19.58: Got to bed round mid-night last nught. Up at 5 and couldn’t wake! Margot. All over again! (And Fran’s been “napping” from since about 17.30 or so… No comment… makes me sick! If she’s all awaje at 21.00, I’m going tosleep in the car tonight!) – Work at the motel by 7.30. Exhausted! Tough learning when you’re half dead. But I muddled through… Experience… The job’s tedious. I was told I need a white shirt and tie! (From abiut 17.00 to 19.30 I re-packed my things… I have NO white shirt and can’t find my tie now that I need it!) Fukkit! It’ll have to wait. – Donuts (and Nick-In-The-Glove) on the way back. – Chit-chat. Then Fran off to nap as I re-packed. There will be much damage in the end of this. – Breakfast cereal for dinner. – I’m in no mood to journal.*)

Sun.3Jun: Work went very well. I have to say that I’m surprised at how well it all went considering the “intro” that I got from Silas. Dyan is really very kind and patient. She has a very “business” approach to everything. But that’s to be expected… the place is a business and she’s the boss. I think I’m going to rather enjoy this job. I just wish it would be enough to get me out of Fran’s and get me a car that I can depend on. But, as is all things in my “Life”, nothing will come easily. – Again tonight… sleep by almost 24.00! THIS MUST STOP! IT’S GETTING ON MY NERVES AND BREAKING MY BODY DOWN!
(*Notes In Haste:
Sun.3Jun.: work – went very well – sleep by almost 24.00!*)

Mon.4Jun: Up at 5.30 after not sleeping! – No water Jericho and Underhill today. How strange to think that 2 entire villages can be cut off from the water supply. Gotta LUV VT! – To Shlbrn – pick up Silas – PO and PD no report! – WalMart then Hannaford’s to buy water… x3 – Silas home to change and iron clothes for a Hotel/Motel applications run. – Put MY errands off again today. But the guy obviously needs my assistance and I’m more than happy to be able to provide anything that might help him. – Back to Silas’ to work on his CV – Met Mum (Robin) and Gwen – Silas fixed me a hot dog for dinner. – We got SO much CV work accomplished today! WOW! – For some reason, the tune “Dirty Cash” came to my mind when Silas played a YouTube tune and when I said I liked the song, Silas down-loaded it and put it onto the iPod! (Christopher Street bar, Middletwn) – Gloved Nick on drive back tonight… again – Fran had made tuna melts for dinner. By the time I got back, they were cold but SO GOOD! – Fran and J.San are supposed to go on some shopping trip next wk-end! We’re both quite happy that I won’t be here at the time… I’ll be at WORK! – Midnight… Fran doing meds at midnight… SO Margot! – I’m EXhausted!
(*Notes In Haste:
Mon.4Jun.: Up at 5.30 after not sleeping! – No water Jericho and Underhill today – To shlbrn – pick up Silas – PO and PD no report! – WalMart then Hanfrds water x3 – Silas home to chabge and iron – Hotel/Motel run for Silas – Put my errands off – Back to Silas’ to work on his CV – Met Mum (robin) and Gwen – Hot dog – Much CV work – “Dirty Cash” (Xtophr St Middletwn) – Gkoved Nick on drive back again – Tuna melts dinner – Fran and J.San to shop nxt wkend! – Fran doing meds at midnight… SO Margot! – I’m EXhausted!*)

Tue.5Jun: bed at 1.14 Tue.Jun5: 9.53 And there’s no telling how well and how much I’ll catch-up with this morning. Fran’s gone with a group, to shop. I have the place and the PC. Journaling on Word… I’ve been so damned tired these past few days between work and the fact that “we” don’t get to bed until round and about midnight… – I’ll be working off the quick notes from the iPod here for a bit… But this morning, I got a call from the job: Call to discuss extra “training” days. Looks like I’m “in”… and I could certainly use the extra time (read: money). – GREAT! I have to go back to finish last month in addition to these past few days of June! Well, let’s get busy here…
(This is terrible. It’s 22.53 on Friday, 8 June. I’m almost caught up to where I should be and I can’t seem to recall what I did with this day! My memory is skipping… yet again.)
(*Notes In Haste:
Tue.5Jun.: bed at 1.14*)

Wed.6Jun: This morning, Fran and I stayed at the house, more or less, until Silas came to fetch us. It was a trip to Vergennes to place Bob’s ashes into the Otter Creek, just below the falls. What an experience! Vergennes is BEAUTIFUL! TRULY BEAUTIFUL! And watching Fran drop the ashes into the creek was such an experience: I thought of how the creek runs into the Champlain, which runs into the Richelieu and up to the St. Lawrence and from there, into LakeOntario and/or out to the Atlantic. HOW FREE! Bob? How magnificent for you! Truly. – We then stopped at a café for a quick coffee and then off to Shaw’s for some groceries. Then to the Chinese restaurant for a quick “dinner”. The weather was perfect and it was all just really stupendous. The trip back was just breath-taking! VT is just inspiring and relaxing and, in general, just a magnificent place to be. – A great day, with True Friends. And Bob is now more at rest… I actually envy those who have finally been awarded the Peace… of death.
(*Notes In Haste:
Wed.6Jun: Vergennes Fran Silas … Bob in the Otter Creek. Chinese at ShawsPlaza. Beautiful trip back!*)

Thu.7Jun: Worked 7-12 alone today. I think I did alright. I’m sure I’ll hear about the errors (if any) when I get in on Saturday. But for now, it seems the bits I’ve learned are actually taking hold and I’m getting a bit of a grasp of the job. I just wish it would pay my expenses and get me back to being solo again! – Picked up Silas after work. I just don’t want to be too much alone and I don’t like being back at the house because the day gets wasted in all sorts of conversation and frivolities. Yes, I don’t accomplish anything by just trolling about the state when I’m out, but I’d rather do that than sit in the darkness of Fran’s. It’s depressing. No light. No air. And a lot of smoking and coffee-consumption. – I brought Silas to Hannaford’s, hoping to teach him how to live on a stricter budget and how to manage on FoodStamps. I picked-up my “Homeless” lunch supplies and we went down to Shlbrn Pk to sit on a rock at lake-side and eat. – I got a call from the HomeCare Agency! The background checks are going very well indeed and I’m in for Orientation! There’s employment coming! AT LAST! – As we were leaving the park today, Silas just broke-down and CRIED! The pressure of unemployment and his break-up with Rachel is getting to him. Honestly? I keep thinking that he’s not directing enough attention to getting his life together, finding a job and getting himself into independence. He’s got his Mum and a place to stay. He’s got a good car. He’s got a bit in banque. But he’s too focused on keeping himself in dead relationships. The kid’s really just a “kid” and seems to be rather clueless! It’s annoying to me but when he cried, it broke my heart. I wish there was more I could do for him but I’m running out of patience and understanding. – We dropped by the office to fetch some papers that I’ll need to complete before orientation and whilst there, I put in a few words on his behalf. THEY GAVE HIM A PRELIMINARY INTERVIEW! WOW! I was SO HAPPY for him! And he’s got a formal interview tomorrow! I can’t see any reason why he wouldn’t be hired and, like it is with me, it isn’t what he wants but it’s a JOB! It’s going to be interesting to see where this all goes. – We stopped by his house after and I was rather positive about the whole thing but his Mums are just so nasty with him. Robin is just negative, negative, negative. She obviously doesn’t approve of this work. And Gwen is just blunt and curt about it. Seems they’re trying to talk him out of it… something about “his career”… HE DOESN’T HAVE A CAREER! HE DOESN’T HAVE A BLOODY JOB! And they’re trying to squash THIS? Doesn’t make sense. No wonder the poor kid is breaking-down! But… it’s not my business… Still, it bugs the shit out of me! – A late return again tonight and again, tonight, Nick got gloved en route. It’s coming to that… in the car… on the road. Oh well… better than nothing, I suppose. And I’m rather used to it… in a strange sort of way. – When I got in, Fran gave the news: She’s talked with management about my staying and tells that they’re working on making it so that I can stay, officially, as her “Night HomeCare”! Interesting… they even think they can wangle it so that I can draw a salary for being here! How wonderful would that be! I’m not putting my hope into it. But it is rather a relief… I don’t want to get tossed (though I probably will… just as things start to look brighter). And I don’t want Fran to get into trouble because I’m here. But, as is always the way with these things: only time will tell. – Another godawfully late bed-time… 2.12 on Friday morning! JEEZUSBLOODYFUKKINGKRISE!
(*Notes In Haste:
Thu7.Jun.: Worked 7-12 alone
Silas – Hannafords – Lunch at Shlbrn Pk – Call fm Agency –
He cried!
Pspers fm agency
Silas git prelim intervw
Firmal intrvw tomor
His Mums are nasty to him
Frsn got news: I can stay as HomrCare!
Bed at 2.12*)

Fri.8Jun: 21.41 I’m just getting caught-up on Bob’s lap-top, with May! – 22.41 Fran and I are still sitting here chatting. Tomorrow’s going to be quite the day but I’m happy about getting so caught up! I’ve gotten all of May done and even added pages on this on-line version until the end of the year. – Silas came to the house today… briefly. But it was SO welcome! When he left, I finally got to catch-up with this Journal. – At 23.30 it was time for bed. Fran finally got her bed cleared off and most of her room too. Tonight, she gets to sleep in a bed, clean linens, after a nice shower. I get a cot… and no linens.
(*Notes In Haste:
Fri.8Jun.: Silas came to the house today… briefly. But it was SO welcome! When he left, I finally got to catch-up with this Journal. – At 23.30 it was time for bed. Fran finally got her bed cleared off and most of her room too. Tonight, she gets to sleep in a bed, clean linens, after a nice shower. I get a cot… and no linens.*)

Sat.9Jun: 18.08 on the rock beside Champlain, ShelburnePark, with Silas… just resting… RESTING! for a well-deserved change. – This morning, Fran bellowed: “IT’S 5:13!” and startled the hell out of me! She got a bit of nasty attitude back. Fuk! I wanted as much rest as I could get since I can’t go back to the house until J.San leaves… This is bloodybstoopid! – Work? I’m getting better at it. Using more French too. – The drive to work was OK but the car is dying. Fuk me. OK? OK. – 22.00 and I left ShelburnePark at 21.00. I’m on the cot. Fran’s locked herself in her room. The house was in darkness and silence when I got in. I didn’t know if she’d come back from her day with J.San or not, didn’t know if I should open the cot or not, didn’t know uf I should sleep or not. And I’m so tired right now that I’m feverishly hot. Burn-out. Plain and simple. – Poor Silas: major sinus trouble and he’s git to be at the airport at mid-night to fetch Gwen. We’re both in for burn-out very soon. – But work went rather well today… in English AND French! Dtan’s dad died last night so they were pretty much numbed and exhausted. Claudia gave me some info on fin.aid but got on my nerves a bit. Still… I arrived at 6.30 (left here at 6.01! Took No. Williston Rd. Quicker.) – 22.09 Fran in the kitchen, in the dark. OK. And not speaking to me. – The drive to work was delightful… foggy… I dodged a deer. – Nick got gloved en route back to Jericho. It’s almost forced lately. I can’t wait to try the radio. – I let Sparky out when I got in at 21.45. – Dirty hands, 22.12… I’m going for sleep.
(*Notes In Haste:

Sat.9Jun.: 18.08 on the rock beside Champlain, ShelburnePark, with Silas… just resting… RESTING! for a well-deserved change. – This morning, Frsn bellowed: “IT’S 5:13!” and startled the hell out of me! She got a bit of nasty attitude back. Fuk! I wanted as much rest as I could get since I can’t go back to the house until J.San leaves… This is bloodybstoopid! – Work? I’m getting better at it. Using more French too. – The drive to work was OK but the car is dying. Fuk me. OK? OK. – 22.00 and I ledt Shelnurne Psrk at 21.00. I’m on the cot. Fran’s locked herself in her room. The house was in darkness and silence when I got in. I didn’t know if she’d come back from her day with J.San or not, didn’t know if I should open the cot or not, didn’t know uf I should sleep or not. And I’m so tired right now that I’m feverishly hot. Burn-out. Plain and simple. – Poor Silas: major sinus trouble and he’s git to be at the airport at mid-night to fetch Gwen. We’re both in for burn-out very soon. – But work went rather well today… in English AND French! Dtan’s dad dued last night so they were pretty much numbed and exhausted. Claudia gave me some info on fin.aid but got on my nerves a bit. Still… I arrived at 6.30 (left here at 6.01! Took No. Williston Rd. Quicker.) – 22.09 Fran in the kitchen, in the dark. OK. And not speaking to me. – The drive to work was delightful… foggy… I dodged a deer. – Nick got gloved en route back to Jericho. It’s almost forced lately. I can’t wait to try the radio. – I let Sparky out when I got in at 21.45. – Dirty hands, 22.12… I’m going for sleep.*)

Sun.10 Break-in at work. And Payday! Not a bad cq. – Montréal folk in the house today: check out one young fellow, check in an older couple and Dyan had to ask “How do you say 98.10 in French”), Evening shift. – with Silas to Hannaford’s, Steve parked right beside! On to ShlbrnPark then Kingsland park. – Got in at Fran’s about 21.00. – It’s bee a very tough 2 days, trying to stay away from the house… because of trying to avoid any confrontation with J.San. Once again, I find myself wandering about the World, trying to avoid… not being able to simply settle and rest at the end of a day. Tired… SO TIRED! Just fed-right-the-fuk-up with it all… Just SO BLOODYFUKKING TIRED OF IT ALL… AND I MEAN THAT WITH ALL MY HEART AND WEARY, ROTTING SOUL!
(*Notes In Haste:
Sun.10Jun.: Break-in at work. Payday! Not a bad cq. Montresl folk: check out fellow, cgeck in (how do you ssy 98.10 in French), Evening shift. – with Silas to Hannafrds, Steve parked right beside! On to ShlbrnPark then KingslandPark. – Got in Fran’s about 21.00.*)

Mon.11Jun: (Tue.12Jun: 8.28) Quite the day! The morning was a complete and total bust. I had plans to get to the ShlbrnPD to get the report, then to the CrdtUnion to open an account and then on to the orientation for the HomeCare. But Fran got into so damned much to divert me and I’m just too bloody soft in the head to just get up and go so… I didn’t get out of the house until almost noon… and had to be at the office by 13.00! I did get to phone the PS and their “Admin” wasn’t in, AGAIN TODAY! “PART-TIME PD”… How hokey. – Still… the orientation was a blast AND AS IT TURNED OUT… I’M IN! I HAVE MY I.D. AND BUSINESS CARDS AND I’M ALL BUT READY TO ROLL! EMPLOYED! A bit more to the background check and a pee-test and they already have me lined-up for a client! Might even start on Friday! WORK! The company is very supportive of the staff and very friendly, indeed. There’s nothing medical about the job and there’s precious little that should be strenuous. The only thing that holds me back from all-out celebration is the car. And THAT, is a pain in the arse and a piece of shit! Thanks Doug, for doing NOTHING about the problemmes that you know about and left me with! Liar! The damned thing is now stalling all over the place and the alternator light comes on. One of these days, the damned thing is going to just die on me. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen in the middle of terrible traffic and that nothing happens to me… That’s all I’m going to say on the matter. – After the orientation, I stopped by to fetch Silas for a brief while. A run to Lowes where I got the stuff to try to make the trans.radio into something “stimulating”. This should be interesting… and I hope it works. Then to Hannaford’s where dinner consisted of 4 donuts. Not the best thing on earth, but what I wanted. And… CAMELS! Oh my! REAL smokes! What a relief! – I told Silas that I have great cause to believe that he’ll get the position with the HomeCare agency and he went into some tirade about BestBuy contacting him about some job there. He’s applying for IT jobs and they’ve already offered him a cashier spot. He’s quite down about the situation but when I told him that, for all intents and purposes, he’s rather quite employed… it’s just a matter of a little time now, he all but rejected the notion of working at the HomeCare! Pisses me off: I’m taking this job, not really wanting to be in HealthCare at all, but knowing that I need work and an income. He, on the other hand, is playing the “I want…” crap. Tonight I’ve had more than I can take of this. He’s whining about his finances dwindling. He’s blown more money on what Fran and I call “Fluff’n’Stuff” (and I call “cheap pussy”) since he’s been here. He’s been running all about the North Country with the cheap shit he’s been meeting on-line and has nothing to show for any of it. But when somebody does something to help get him on his feet, he just moves right along and blows it off. OK. That’s the end of the line for me. I have to focus on me and MY Life now. Sorry Silas… you’re on your own from here. You just lost a Friend. – Got back to the house MUCH LATER than I wanted and of course, Fran was in napping. I resent this shit about the napping… Just like Margot: They don’t understand that I’m not out in the world, relaxing and taking all so very easy! I’m up, moving about, trying to get my affairs sorted and settled. I’m driving a vehicle that’s about to die at any given moment and will probably end up walking some major distance one of these days. When I get done with my day, I’m about on Deaths’s door and ready for the relief that comes with death and THEY get to snooze along and THEN keep me awake with doo-dah-jolly-lolly bull-shit until well into the night! Fukme! Indeed! – But Fran was all in “celebration” mode when she woke from napping and we had banana splits before bed (at 1.00 on Tues. morning!) – All said and done though, it’s a relief to know that I’m actually back to work! – PS: Fran was a little insulting tonight: Seems she told Paige that I’m working part-time at the motel and that I work “for Adecco”… but she (Fran) felt that she lied a bit about the Adecco part. I explained that I have not quit, nor have I received any notice of termination of employment from Adecco and that my pay came from them, therefore I AM employed by them! Honestly! People can just be so damned obtuse. But, SHE told the story… not me. And tomorrow, I’d like to meet this Paige, so it will be interesting….

Tue.12Jun: 8.50 and catching up again this morning! I woke earlier with the worst cramps! Sharp and horrid!- 24.38 met with Paige. All should go quite well. Got the police report – post office – no acct at credit union due to TD – towel and sheet gooodwill for “beach” – fran’s laptop dead – no silas today- lost prev notes due to laptop – radio stim doesn’t.
(*Notes In Haste:
Tue12Jun: 24.38 met with Paige. All should go quite well. got the police report – post office – no acct at credit union due to TD – towel and sheet gooodwill for “beach” – fran’s laptop dead – no silas today- lost prev notes due to laptop – radio stim doesn’t*)

Wed.13Jun: (2.00 on Thu) A day in Jericho, with Fran. Delightful, I must say. I got the bathroom floor washed and began cleaning the walls too! Kitchen next. – WORKING! 2 clients! 38hrs/wk including 2-3 12hr shifts… in addition to the motel! INCOME! I’m all but flabbergasted! And I’ll be dead soon… from no sleep here in Jericho. I only hope the car holds for at least the month. – Silas came by today. Hmmm… interviewed with BstBy earlier. I think his attitude needs adjusting: very down on self and VT. He tried to fix the laptop to no avail. – Salmon dinner! OMG GOOD! – Got laundry done tonight. Got back at 24.25! – PO interview tomorrow and I’m falling behind on sleep now!
(*Notes In Haste:
Wed.13Jun: (2.00 on Thu) A day in Jericho, with Fran. Delightful, I must say. I got the bathroom floor washed and began cleaning the walls too! Kitchen next. – WORKING! 2 clients! 38hrs/wk including 2-3 12hr shifts… in addition to the motel! INCOME! I’m all but flabbergasted! And I’ll be dead soon… from no sleep here in Jericho. I only hope the car holds for at least the month. – Silas came by today. Hmmm… interviewed with BstBy earlier. I think his attitude needs adjusting: very down on self and VT. He tried to fix the laptop to no avail. – Salmon dinner! OMG GOOD! – Got laundry done tonight. Got back at 24.25! – PO interview tomorrow and I’m falling behind on sleep now!*)

Thu.14Jun: 8.55 at BrownRiverPark (MillsRiver) with 1,5hrs before the Postal interview. Haven’t shat/had coffee. To “cot” at 2.00 this morning, alarms set for 8.25/30 but NO! 7.25… “Good morning Sleepy-Head! It’s 8.00…” I replied: “Good morning Margot. I have 3 alarms set. But that’s OK, I’m in your way but I’ll be out as quickly as possible.” Response? “I don’t know why I deserve these verbal assaults first thing in the morning!” WELL? She git it back this morning… but *I’m so exhausted that my voice comes out in a whisper*. Whrn I said I didn’t get to bed until 2, “I didn’t either!” And I pointed-out the ability to nap. Then pointed-out that I have 14-hr days coming and yet I’m STILL trying to find WORK, trying to better my life… in spite of attempts to sabatoge it! I went directly in to shower, got dressed and on my way out the door said “Enjoy your nap.” – As I put my shoes on I thought: It’s not so different from the days in the Shelter… Precious little sleep all night and yet, first thing in the morning the “GET OUT!” alarm. Not so different at all. – And now, at 9.11, I sit in this parking lot, ready to fall asleep, to shit in my trousers, bottle of Bustello, afraid coffee will trigger morning BM and WORST of ALL? Worried that the car will break-down! But the weather’s fine… nice, clear, comfy. – 9.30 still at the park and dozing-off as I ckean this Journal up a bit. Imagine… NO memories of Mon.11! – ***** Interview at UndrhlCtr? Educational. Seems some twit atty who be-friended her is out to make himself most important and I am his little “ticket”. The PM was wonderful, The office is amazing! SO quaint and relatively un-touched by time. But, the PM put me wise: Either Margot lied or the atty saw fit to embelish, but a court proceeding is on the Internet in which much and many lies are posted! Including a court appearance! There was none! Well… I thank the PM for telling me. Now, for another law-suit! Now I truly want my own “revenge”! THIS shit MUST stop! FukkemALL is my way of living now. I’m burnt… in multiple ways. Margot? ROT! – And at 12.30, in Silas’ parking lot, needing to pee, 2 tiny Smirnoffs in my back-pack, it’s come to this point: spending money I don’t have to get this shit out of my mind. Really… THIS is the result of my trying to live as a good, caring human-being? Really? What the fuk? Why? Why bother?
***Margot fukked me out of the PO job! I really looked forward to it! And now, even after she’s dead, her venom lingers. Well, I’ve learnt my lesson. Evil, that’s what she was in life and now in death… EVIL!***
– HomeCare paperwork in EARLY! I was in such a hurry to get it in and I learn I had a month! Imagine? But only one more lesson book and in 90 days I get a rise in pay already! (I wonder if I’ll get a rise in hours as well or will that get screwed as well?) – Silas drove to Kingsland – I’ve colour – Last 20 in gas – Fran’s at 21.30 – All’s well again – She cleaned the kitchen – Bed at 24.14! My fault.
(*Notes In Haste:
Thu.14Jun: 8.55 at BrownRiverPark with 1,5hrs before the Postal interview. Haven’t shat/had coffee. To “cot” at 2.00 this morning, alarms set for 8.25/30 but NO! 7.25… “Good morning Sleepy-Head! It’s 8.00…” I replied: “Good morning Margot. I have 3 alarms set. But that’s OK, I’m in your way but I’ll be out as quickly as possible.” Response? “I don’t know why I deserve these verbal assaults first thing in the morning!” WELL? She git it back this morning… but *I’m so exhausted that my voice comes out in a whisper*. Whrn I said I didn’t get to bed until 2, “I didn’t either!” And I pointed-out the ability to nap. Then pointed-out that I have 14-hr days coming and yet I’m STILL trying to find WORK, trying to better my life… in spite of attempts to sabatoge it! I went directly in to shower, got dressed and on my way out the door said “Enjoy your nap.” – As I put my shoes on I thought: It’s not so different from the days in the Shelter… Precious little sleep all night and yet, first thing in the morning the “GET OUT!” alarm. Not so different at all. – And now, at 9.11, I sit in this parking lot, ready to fall asleep, to shit in my trousers, bottle of Bustello, afraid coffee will trigger morning BM and WORST of ALL? Worried that the car will break-down! But the weather’s fine… nice, clear, comfy. – 9.30 still at the park and dozing-off as I ckean this Journal up a bit. Imagine… NO memories of Mon.11! – ***** Interview at UndrhlCtr? Educational. And at 12.30, in Silas’ parking lot, needing to pee, 2 tiny Smirnoffs in my back-pack,*)

Fri.15Jun Almost over-slept. Quick to motel in spite of stallings. The day at hotel went quite well. I’m STILL learning though. – 24.20 over tired but made it thru. back by 22.45 bkfst cereal for dinner. only thing eaten today. Arbrs was dull and strenuous with all dementia and nothing to do. eve guy decided to eat at 21.30! Fran decided to rummage in closet AFTER Zi’d out lights out! This morn she HAD to rummage thru freezer. Senile old thing. Oh and can’t find Margio’s court case… bullshit! – 24.25 Now the TV’s on! OBTUSE! Selfish. – Goodnight now.

Sat.16Jun 5.34: Certainly not enuf sleep for yet another 14hr day. Precious little difference from the Shelter days. Dilemas at Motel! I should but don’t care.

Sun.17Jun: Work at Motel again today. The lack of sleep is killing me. No SteveF tonight. Long talk with Silas at Overlook. Good to talk with him. Fran’s by 23.00

Mon.18Jun: Slept until 10. Silas over at about 11. Text fm his Mum. He went shopping with her then returned abiut 14.00. Followed me over Skunk Hollow. Made a comment about my taking country rds. HomeDepit fir xlps for Fran. Goodwill 2 shirts 2 pabts! Silas went home in sinus pain. Work with SF x2,25hrs. Fran’s by 23. Ate bkfst cereal again. Finally BM. Bd at 1.01 on Tues.

Tue.19Jun 7.36 at work for HI, in the parking lot, about 20mins early, bowels gurggling, EXhausted… AGAIN! This morning, bed at 1.00… and at 1.40? She was AWAKE AGAIN!!! Coffee and cigarette!!! Kept me up til past 2.00! And so, through SIX alarms this morning, I slept!!! I woke, thankfully, at 6.00 and, AS I’m getting ready to shower… she parks at table!!! I detected attitude when I simply moved along with my needs of the morning. I ignored it and focused on getting the fukkout before… At least she’d the better sense to keep out of my way. – 7.42 and I want to sleep! – Thursday is a 12hr shift. Tomorrow night: sleep in a tent? In the car? On the lawn? I NEED SLEEP! – Thursday NOT a 12hr shift. The agency called it off. Friday, however, IS. – 19.40 at the ckient’s: VT… a tiny state. I got out of my 8-hour at 14.30 (ibstead of 16.00) and went to pass the time with Silus. An hour at ShlbrnPk where I dozed, refreshingly, then to DunkinDonuts on the 7 for my first “Coolatta”… delish (at 3,91$!). As we left, waiting fir traffic to break, Tara cane strolling up! She said nothing, didn’t stop, Silus looked directly at her and said nothing until she passed when he turned to me; he finds it interesting that we seem to pass T. or S. or both so frequently. Me? I don’t give a rat’s arse. – As for the day, the morning was OK on the job. But I walked in to shit, had to shop for the client. And I’m quite tired and full of anxieties about sleep tonight. Add: MetroPCS wants to cancel my service because I’m not on their network any more!!! I’m making money… and there’s somebody in my wallet already!!! (At least the mail brought only a rejection of my application for financial assistance). – 19.48 and another 2 hours of work to go. I’m TIRED! – The “paper-work” for this geri-hill came at me this evening. “They’re trying to get you in here AND they’re trying to make it so you’re PAID!” But the first pages? Application for my own apartment! I don’t like that and will speak with Paige onvit.

Wed.20Jun: 34•! and RED WINGS 4,99! today! And another morning of being un-necessarily awakened before the alarms! I’m convinced the old gal’s lost it. FML! – BUT this morning I headed into SoBurl for the pee test and was done by about noon. – Invested 3$ in vacuuming the car out! HAD to rid of all the stray strands of HAIR! I just couldn’t take any more stray hairs flying into my face asI drive along! – Stopped in at Goodwill: RED WINGS 4,99! WOW! I think they’re my size but right now that’s not THE issue. They’re MINE. Now I NEED a place to enjoy them! FML! Also bought a pair of jeans to cut to shorts… OK. – When I got to Silas’ I wanted to cut the jeans to shorts but just as we got to his door he made the statement that he had to “warn” his Mum! Well… poor Silas got the sharper edgr of my tongue… I quietly went to the car… to wait for the result of my tirade but… nothing. So off we went… on errands… mine… Walmart for sewing notions (and a HomeDepot hot dog for “The Fat Kid”); DollarStore for scissors and such.

Thu.21Jun: MAJOR HEAT! Oppressive! Just godawful! HOT and HUMID! – Made it to the clinic in So.Burl for the pee test and was out by about noon. – Over to meet Silas and get on the road to the sun and water.. A stop at the ATM revealed… PAY DAY! Quick! And NEEDED! – KingslandPark. Waste of time! Can’t get myself to swim in the lake! Imagine? Champlain and I can’t get into the water because it’s a bay, still, warm and there’s algae! Well… it pisses me off a bit but… I did get some sleep on the sheet. We were there 13.40-18.00 I was rather down about leaving, only because of having to go back to Jericho but when we got to Shelburne? Rte7 Deli… I HAD A BEER! A Gennie Cream Ale! FML… I’d prefer better but it truly hit the spot today! – Silas got the homecare job! Now he’s just waiting for an assignment! – And…by about 20.30 I was on the road to Jericho with Nick in a RED WING!… – At the house, the usual talk-talk until WAY TOO LATE AND I WENT TO “BED” UN-SHOWERED and IN MY CLOTHES AT ABOUT 24.30! with a 6.45 assignment tomorrow!

Fri.22Jun13.26: To sleep at almost 1.00 this morning and at 4.22 this morning… the “travel” in the house. She woke and turned the air-conditioner off, out came the coffee and cigarette! Woke me… 3 hours into my sleep. I’m handling it from the point of view that she’s gone do-lolly… depression and diabetes. If, for a moment, I believe she’s aware, I’d go mad. Still… I’ve now all to do to stay awake. This morning I left late, made several wrong turns, arrived 20 minutes late. The COC was miffed. I was exhausted! Jericho is killing me! But the new client is a dream! Delightful! The home is immaculate. And I just this morning thought: SF? He’s another A.Green! Disgusting! – All said… at 14.31, I’m SO TIRED and I’ve another 2 days to go! And this 30• heat makes it worse! – Spoke with Paige today. I gave Fran the papers last evening. I was (am) concerned because I was given an application for an apartment! Paige says it’s only for background check. Well? Well.. I’m truly too tired to care. And I keep falling asleep! Finished my 3rd job home-work but kept nodding! Even putting this in isn’t battling the fatigue! – SteveF is cancelled! Fux my hours and something to do until late in the evening to avoid Jericho. But HEY! Reduced stress! WahOo! – I still have 14 hours next week… 4 more than with SteveF. And OUT of the house! –
-Great day and the client’s daughter wants me back when service resumes! Ok. I don’t mind. – Jerk chicken at Silas’ this evening… in his room! I got into the house! And the flavour? How I’ve missed it! How I wish for a place of my own… in which to cook! – By the time I returned to the house tonight I was actually dead tired but Mrs. was in “chatty-chatty”… Then drops the news No bloody hot water! I needed a shower! So, I went to look at the boiler. Didn’t take a genius: “re-boot”… IT WORKED! Thank you Margie Bopp. (Valentine Ave… how I miss those days… Viv?) Hot water and a shower… 30 mins. – And again (AGAIN!!!!) bed at 24.13… FML.

Sat.23Jun: Work motel. Deadarse tired!

Sun.24Jun: La Fête. At motel today, a woman from Kazabazua! Knows the McCarthy family!

Mon.25Jun: 7.14 Slept from 21.00-24.00 then through to 6.30! – Off to work today. – Tonight? Fran says the guy came to fix the boiler and she told him that SHE reset it! The guy allegedly said “Let’s let that be our little secret.” Then says they need to install a fire door… won’t be surprised if the door has a lock on it. Fire hazard there. – And another late-nite… she insists I need rest but will do all to avoid it. – Morning case 1hr but 15mins work, half hour stay. – Stopped at the office to drop the last review papers. The “additional training” is complete! Becky gave me a preliminary “Review” and said it is “GREAT!!!!!”. – Spoke with Fran: She’s bidding on a Benz (200$ latest bid… HERS! Vehicle in AlbanyNY! She’ll pay Silas’ gas!?!?) WTF? I don’t have money for a car AND to simply say she’ll pay gas to have Silas drive… her and me… with-out even asking him? She’s hopelessly ego-centric! And it’s bugging the shit out of me! – Picked up Silas and went to do much-needed laundry at the NoWinooski laundry where PJ used to hang-out. Strange, PJ missing. – Down to the PO for pay statement and nothing more. – Worked with SF this eve. Warm welcome. – Fran by 22.00. – She figs mgmt is being so nice about me being there to divert responsibility from them. Bril idea. Of course: She’s alone now and I’m there in case of emergency! – Now… bed at 1.45 on Tues! –

Tues.26Jun: 15.40 This morning, she insisted upon my deciding on a damned phone! Got pissed because I didn’t decide RIGHT THEN! I saw “attitude” in her face as I cheerfully left… under guiseof work but more to get out. I’m deathly fatigued and since she’s the cause… best to leave and say nothing. Besides the phone, there’s the bit about her bidding on the bloody Benz! – So I fetched Silas and we went looking for underwear for me… 2Xist. Nope! Macy’s, Penny’s, Sears, Kohl’s. Nothing! – Brunch at UMall I- Hop. 20,86$. – We stopped at the Over-look en route back and OMFG! Laughed painfully over “alirizinumi criziminimum”! Poor Silas all but convulsed with laughter and I was in PAIN! I haven’t laughed like that in YEARS! – Waiting for my 16.00 client at 15.47. – Rainy day. – Put 20$ in gas into car last evening and 19,50$ today. The car is using gas… almost 1/4 tank to/fm Jericho! – 18.42 Second and last client. Becky met me on the previous and I must say, I had a very pleasant visit. But I’m so tired now that I had to shake off a full nod on Dorset! – 24h29 A sleepless night here. She’s obsessed… OBSESSED with MY situations now, even to the point of searching the internet for my blogs! This one is now PRIVATE because she has a desk-top link to it! There’s another to the art blog and I suspect there will be more links to the others. Add: she won the bidding on the Albany car but thankfully lost because the “reserve” wasn’t met! So she’s begun bidding on ANOTHER car! She’s still miffed about the phone and when I said I don’t understand her obsessions with “my” situations, she stormed to her room like a tantrum-throwing child, returned, snatched her cigarettes, spilled coffee on the table and returned to her room. Fine. Fukkit! – Tonight’s drive here was difficult in the rain and I think I may have a flat tyre. It wouldn’t surprise me. – Nick got gloved tonight though. – It’s raining and I need sleep but I figure she’ll be out again… as soon as I settle. – Again, this is Hell, disgusting Hell!

Wed.27Jun: 8.27 At about 1.30 this morning I opened the cot and, fully dressed in work clothes, laid down and fell asleep! Light on… I don’t know if she woke and quite frankly, can’t care one way or the other. Slept through the alarms until almost 8 and woke with godawful CRAMPS! It’s getting to me… The need to flee. – 8.32 she sits at table, I’m here too, in silence. WTF? Really. – Another drizzly day and, like so many days in the past, I plot a day of “escape”. Only now, in a car that’s about to die and is costing me my income in gas… to escape. Today I miss the subway… I am tired, fatigued, fed-up, run-down, with no where to go. – Time to shut-down… shut-down, shut… down. – 17.04 and here I sit, for the past hour, in front of a client’s house. Thankfully, unlike NY, in a car, out of the rain. – Came into town this morning, stopped at the office, got Silas, off to Shelburne library to try to up-date this Journal (WiFi didn’t work for the iPod), transfer images from phone to Flash. Checked e-mails and searched for cars. One 1800$ Legacy. The rest were MUCH more than I can afford just now! A search is coming! – After the library, I drove into BTV: Silas is on a jerk chicken kick and wanted to try a Jamaican place in town. Of course it was closed. So, to Henry’s where I had french toast and coffee (stomach being nasty of late). Then a quick stop and more hearty laughs at the Overlook before dropping him at his and heading to work. – 17.08 client arrived at home! Odd, if I were late all Hell would break. But it was 15 mins of helping her in and I left. – 22.06 The Hill. Silence. Clean. I’m expecting the “I can’t live with this tension. I have to ask you to leave.” Soon. Very soon. Yet, I’ve done no wrong; haven’t changed her routine, nor changed her home, save one corner of the livingroom. I’ve been out of her way, save late evenings. And I don’t interfere with her children snd grands visiting. I’m certainly not eating her out of house and home. And yes, I owe her about 100$ which I must pay… the week-end, perhaps. SHE CHOSE to take my troubles… and I WILL be blamed. – So now, 22.20 and still silence. I’m dozing off as I do this. I wasn’t tired when I got in but… loss of sleep taking a toll. – Note? I’m becoming angry and anxious when cars follow me now.

Thu.28Jun: 7.30 at the hill. Coffee’s on for her and 2 messages from work (at 6.00 already) to take an 8-16.00 shift with the least desireable client they have. Yes, I need the income, but no, I don’t have the stamina. – At 3.00 this morning, she was very much awake and meandering about the house, lights on and such! Flash-backs! HMT! Here we go again! THIS is truly FML! – In 3 days the inspection on the car expires. Jolly! Tickets will be issued, I’ve no doubt. And the stalling-out gets worse by the moment. (But the gas tank got filled on 15,11$ yesterday and I got change on my 20$! Bull-shit!) – Another couple of days with temps in the 30′s on the weather menu. – And I work work work… for what what what?

Fri.29Jun: 12.46 RICHFORD!!!!! Silas has an interview at the P.O. and I’m “2 miles” from the Home border, sitting in the car. I’d planned to escape to sun and swim, but must admit… it’s grand to be up North… NORTH! – Oh, and Nick was RedWinged most of the trip into SoBTV this morning. He’s going to need attention… very soon. – Reminding me: I do little more than WORK… EVERY DAY! Tired. – Time to nap (I’ve slept in Richford… oh my.) – 28•! –

Sat.30 Jun: 22.05 Fun day in French. Quik visit Silas. Another jerk burger. Fran’s at 16.00 Legacy in Rutland. Ravioli dinner from can. Began packing into closet. Please let me get the Legacy!

(*Notes In Haste were taken from the original notations on iPod. Brief summaries of the day’s events, jotted in fatigue, just reminders to fill in when time and energy allowed.)