April 2013

Le temps que l'on prend pour se dire: je t'aime C'est le seul qui reste au bout de nos jours Les voeux que l'on fait les fleurs que l'on seme Chacun les récolte en soi-même Aux beaux jardin du temps qui court Gens du pays c'est votre tour De vous laisser parler d'amour Gens du pays c'est votre tour De vous laisser parler d'amour Le temps de s'aimer, le jour de le dire Fond comme la neige aux doigts du printemps Fêtons de nos joies, fêtons de nos rires Ces yeux ou nos regards se mirent C'est demain que j'avais vingt ans Gens du pays... Le ruisseau des jours aujourd'hui s'arrête Et forme un étang ou chacun peut voir Comme en un miroir l'amour qu'il reflète Pour ces coeurs a qui je souhaite Le temps de vivre leurs espoirs Gens du pays...

Mon.1.Apr.14: 12.17 I was up at about 6 and right out of “cot”. Started right in with the “tidy packing”. The little things that needed to be put into boxes to make “neat”. Then, down-stairs to put coffee on, distracted, cleared out the standing cup-board. Non-perishables to go to the FoodBank, flour and such that will never be used (but it open… dreams of fresh-baked bread floating up an out like little clouds, settling on the floor to be trodden into the linoleum… like so many other dreams that once floated round this house) into a bag for the garbage collectors. The table is still covered with dishes and such. Most of them will go to Goodwill. May they serve someone else, provide good meals and proper nourishment. – A brief stint to Mayhew’s this morning. I actually wore flip-flops (and a warm Winter jacket). It was that warm! It was SO nice to walk in Richford this morning. SO VERY nice. Quiet. Peaceful. A delight. – Back to the house and back up the stairs to complete today’s packing tasks. – This morning’s sun warmed the air and the windows got opened wide! It was actually quite nice. But in precious little time, the air temperature plummeted, turned quite brisk and the clouds rolled in. The sun, like good moods, was gone and everything turned chilled. I kept packing though. All will be nicely stacked, neat and tidy for what-ever Silas will do with it all. – I checked-in at e-mail and Skype… An e-mail from Schmulik, still offering “help”. I’m at a point where words, spoken, typed or other-wise are simply that: words. They’re in strings called “sentences” but none of them make any sense. There are full thoughts expressed, and none of them make any sense to me at all. I read the words and don’t formulate “thoughts”. They’re all just little specs of black lines on a computer screen that mean nothing more than digital displays of electronic blips. If I gave any… ANY… credence to ANY of what I see it will only lead to devastation. And I’m not going back to that. I’ve spent the past months in that condition and state. I’m out of it and away from it. Today I know what will be done and where this is all leading. It’s fine this way. – And now I have to dig into the bottle that’s held the savings I had to cover the “relocation” from here. Paying one necessary expense today will leave me with not even enough to get out of Richford, save, on foot. – Today is Monday. This week coming holds the expiration of the site-building soft-ware (tomorrow) which means no further work will be done on Schmulik’s web-site. No further “work” to be done from then on. The rest of the week holds nothing. So I’ll probably use what I have left here to clean the place nicely so that Don will have NOTHING to say to or about Silas about how the place was when we, both of us, left it. – Following week: Monday is rather “open” as well. It will be the last week here. Tuesday I will be assaulted by HISC as they try with everything they have to make me look like a lying thief. Well, I’ve become accustomed to that. It’s been like that almost all the while I’ve been in Vermont. But isn’t it rather queer: Time here began with being accused of being something I’ve never been… and time here will end the very same way. Continuity, if nothing else. – Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday… one of those days, if not one day this week, Silas’ mothers will arrive to “clean the place completely out”. I’ll be here, with my little boxes… and nothing else until… Monday (or maybe even sooner… I can’t tell right now, but that Monday is “The End”). – 2 weeks from today’s date, I walk out of the door of this house for the last time… keys will be left so Silas can retrieve them at his leisure and I will be on the streets of Richford… for a while. Nothing but “open road” ahead. – This morning I figured where I will head toward… as I said to Schmulik in last night’s e-mail: He wants me to head South to NYC. I’ll be on foot. Me? I see no sense in that. My “dream” has always been to go “HOME” at the end. I’m so close to that right now that moving backward is senseless. And at this point in time, it makes more sense to take advantage of the “Gift” of proximity and simply “Do It”. So… I’m just hoping for some nice “travel” weather on Monday. Thank goodness I’ll be ALONE! Nobody whining at me or condescending. No “judgement” calls from people who have absolutely no idea what these past few weeks have been. Nothing to be said… nothing to be heard…. Just a horizon to move toward. At last… at long, long, LONG last. – There have been a couple of lines back and forth this afternoon with Silas. All and only about sending him money. I’ll go to the PO at 14.00 when they open from lunch and get that done. – Yes, there was a reply from Schmulik this morning. As I’ve already said: Words to make “pretty”. – I really should eat something. I have no appetite though. I could use a bit of a nap, but there really isn’t any time for that right now. And I’ve put the heat back up to take the damp chill out. The clouds have brought a very light rain. It was the tiniest bit of snow for a brief moment. I pray that April gets this all out of her system this week, a few days next week to warm the earth a bit before my departure. “On my own…” – Oh… for some reason, I went looking at the maps earlier, as I was “communicating” with Silas and looked for Mr. G’s. WOW! The entrance road is still dirt. The stone “piles” are still at the entrance. But there’s a house just there now, and a paved drive! The dirt road has been given a name. But from the aerial view of the old grounds, the out-line of what was “the main house” an the back patio is still VERY visible! 1972-3… nothing left but an out-line. The “past” is gone… it’s time to join it. All things must leave to make room for things to come… plants, animals, buildings… people. My turn has come. 2 weeks. – 19.16 Well, I paid the month on the internet service. I’ve paid into the utilities. I’ve paid full charge for heating this place. I’ve maintained the grounds, repaired the plumbing and some electrics. I’ve done my part. I’ve been productive, cooperative, supportive. I cannot say that nobody can say different, because I know, for a fact, that there are some who will, some who have and most likely, some who are saying even now. There is no more that I can do. And, essentially, today seals the future. – I notified Silas that I sent the payment. “Thank you hun. You=livesaver” I did clarify that it was done so that I had service on the 9th. Should that go “well” (as if I could even think about such a thing) it would mean 500$ coming in with-in days. I don’t expect it to do so. But I cannot simply walk away from it with-out some attempt. Besides, 6 days later it won’t make one bit of a damned difference one way or the other. – There’s been no communications all day other-wise. – Ah, but another e-mail from LC. Apparently she is either one of the buyers of the book or the “borrower”. She read that I’d mentioned having lost all my music (indeed, from G’s) and offered to send the CD set that I’d compiled and given to her. This morning, as I packed here I recalled so much where she is concerned. Her parents hated me from when we met, back in high-school… because I drove the car bare-foot and showed at the house one day in the car to get her to spend a day together. They found that unforgivably disrespectful. The caused Hell in my “family house-hold” when, first, her mother insisted upon meeting my parents “to see if I came from a respectable family”, and then, later, they caused a battle, which included me being beaten by my father when they forbade me from communicating with their daughter and I replied, yes, in quite a vulgar manner, that we would see each-other when we wished. For all the years that followed, LC and I had to “see” each-other secretly. But the clincher came when: for one Christmas season, she brought her mother to NYC to see the tree in Rock. Ctr. I invited her and her mother into my flat, served tea, offered food etc. Her mother insisted that we should have pizza and so we did. But I made her mother as comfortable and welcome as I could, including allowing her to wear shoes in the house which is something I, nor anybody else ever did where-ever I lived. Her mother’s comment was (I recall even today) “I do not go into anybody’s house where they insist that I remove my shoes.” Anyway, we went to see the Christmas tree on that cold, blustery night. I took digital photos, sent them along and when her mother suggested being able to remove “wrinkles”, I did so and sent those on as well. Moving forward some many years, I was residing in Beacon. I was “told” that since the town is so small and her mother comes in every Thursday to have her hair done, that I should not allow myself to be seen for fear of starting some sort of row! Imagine: almost 50 years of age and I was being “told” to hide from her mother. No… The ties were severed when I was “residing” in my sister’s unfinished basement and trying to keep my few possessions together. I’d asked LC not to bring “things” to the place because I had no place to put them and they would only become more “stuff” that I’d need to pack and move. She wouldn’t listen. So… one day, I simply packed all the “things” in a box, posted them to her and that was to be the end of it. Now, today, it would seem she wants to re-establish some kind of connection. I’ve no time for that sort of thing (literally, at this point) and I certainly don’t have the disposition for any of it. That said, I’m exhausted… unusually exhausted. I shocked myself when I woke, sitting on the nasty rocking chair… I’d fallen asleep for TWO HOURS! I’d been watching a Stephen Fry film and had just passed right out! And it’s strange, but when I do that, I’ve noticed that I’m not actually “asleep”… in a “dream state”, I actually do things that should be getting done. For example, this time I worked on Schmulik’s web-site, cleaned the house, done the dishes, moved the packed boxes down-stairs. What woke me was a knife-like pain in my left knee! I’d passed out (I call it that because that is, essentially what happens… I don’t drift off, I FALL off every time this happens, with-out warning) sitting with my legs crossed in a most awkward position. Well! Now it comes to this… “episodes”. – Many years ago I’d said to Joe, when we were joking, clinically, about insanity, dementia and the sort: “I look forward to having a seriously severe mental break-down… I need the vacation!” his reply was poignant: “You know our family. Based on history, you’d probably do what everybody else has done: your mind will start slipping and you’ll be fully aware of it all along and, like everybody else, your mind will fight against it. Instead of it being a vacation, it’ll turn to absolute Hell.” – Well, true, that. There have been moments of “absolute Hell” of late. But as the time comes closer, it all becomes easier. It’s not “acquiescence” and it’s not “resignation”. At this point, it isn’t even “acceptance”. Right now, at this juncture, it’s more a most welcome “understanding of logic and fact”. – But on this note, I am going to “resign”, “acquiesce” to the fatigue and “accept” the fact that I really must go up to the cot and try for what-ever “rest” I can get now. No doubt I’ll be wide awake in 6 hours max… 2am or so. And then have to figure WTF to do at that hour of the morning. Oh well… it is what it is. – 13 more days… – 21.27 I got a bit carried away… added page 55. Just finished and notice a VERY ICY COLD “air” about the room, in spite of the furnace having kicked-up for the first time all day. Looked out the window… THE WIND IS SLAPPING AND SLAMMING LIKE HELL BROKEN LOOSE AND THE SNOW IS THICK AS FOG!!! The house is EMPTY tonight… truly… EMPTY. Only the ceiling fixtures for light. The curtains are off the windows. I went up to “my” room… it too… EMPTY. This is difficult… and very, very, so very… alone.

Tue.2.Apr.13: 0.10 Just finished watching “Watership Down”! How wonderful it was to be in that story for the while. I’m converting the file as I type this. I’d like to take it with me on the 15th. Another something to watch… while I wait. – The wind is howling through the spaces in the windows. It’s banging against the house. The snows have stopped. There are bitter days to come. But the forecast is for 15c on the 14th and 10 with some drizzle on the 15th. Not too bad at all… for travel. Perhaps I’ll take advantage of the Sunday weather and be “settled” and “done” on the 15th. I have that option. I have the choice.”My” choice. – I’m at peace with this decision tonight. Very much at peace with it. Yesterday, on my way back from Mac’s, as I crossed the river, I thought (aloud): I’m not going to ask for help any more. There is none. This is the way Creation is, no matter what. All will be as it must be, as it is. There’s no more asking ancestors. There’s no more looking to the Metaphysical. There’s no more “praying” for help. The help would come from in me… and in me now… there’s nothing. I’m at peace with all of this now. Just delightful peace. And the rest of the world will simply carry on, just as it always has and always will. The “good” of it all is that I did get the book published. So there’s at least a bit of my “story” told. When the time comes, I’ll open the other journals that are out there, add them to a list on this one, and the WHOLE history will be there. I can’t very well say I came, existed and left with nothing. It would be nice to think that the story will make others stop and think… and act properly. Not “all”, of course. But even “some” would be nice. – Well, 0.24. The thermostat for the house is set to 50F, the room up-stairs is dark but warm. The “conversion” of Watership Down is almost complete. And I am “off to cot” until … – 7.36 How odd… Last night, before shutting everything down for the night, I’d sent Silas an e-mail with the news: A car can be rented for 30$ for a day, tax and such included. (That’s the only thing that’s keeping all of this as it is… just no way out.) Well, I actually dreamt last night/this morning that I’d received a reply “Sure. Anything to help.” And I was all great and such. Until I woke this morning realising it was a dream. But, the “odd” part this morning is: Anger. And the sudden rush of thoughts that HE is responsible for this house for as long as the lease is in effect. And I am the one who is and has been maintaining the place. Well, it’s not the “usual” me, but something must be going amok in my mind because this morning I can’t help but think: Fine… I can hand you the money, cash, this week (it’s all I have left) but you can’t see your way clear to the ONE thing, the ONE 30$ thing that means the difference between “me and not me”? OK then. The maintenance of “your” house ends this morning and watch what is to come… I can make it so that all goes well and smoothly at the end or… not. Anger… I haven’t experienced that… until this morning. This morning, I’m feeling the complete ass! Sitting here all through the Winter… alone, maintaining this place, making sure it’s clean and presentable. Fixing things so that “security deposit” doesn’t get lost. Clearing the drive so that nothing is said about the way the place is being kept. Right down to the computer, making sure it’s safe and such. And … well, let me check. There’s probably no reply to the e-mail this morning. And this morning, that will be as good as a “NO!” – One more item before coffee: Everything is covered in snow this morning… and I can’t enjoy it. – 8.30.. more flurries. – OK! 9.34 and I’ve replied to e-mails from yesterday and in doing so, the following has come to my mind. I’m not at all, in the least, comfortable with any of it. In fact, it’s making me physically sick to the point of painful. But I’m going to put this here, for what-ever reason I have, and be off to mull it over and ponder and see what comes of it. I dread having to confront Silas with this because I know where it will lead and I don’t want it all to “end” this way. So…

Quote:
As of yesterday, I found that I can actually get a car for a day at only 30$-40$ (plus what-ever “deposit” the company charges which gets refunded when the car is returned). Even with the cost of gas, that can’t be beat. One trip. Me and my meager belongings and all is done. That’s less than a train ticket for me alone. And less than the cost of shipping stuff and putting me on a train. VERY much less. It’s even less if the cost of gas to give to Silas for coming to the house to get me and bring me to Burlington to get the car is factored in.

I have ways of getting the money to Silas for this. Last night I sent him an e-mail telling him so. I have received no reply.

It’s only a matter of having a way to GET the car. That’s it. That’s all of it.

As for my siblings getting anything? No. I’ve seen to that. If anybody in that family gets anything, it will be my niece, Sarah… since my nephew Michael died (19 years old… Cancer… the poor, sweet kid). Besides, there’s no connection to them and me any longer. When my “father’s” obituary was printed, there was no mention of me. When Michael’s obituary was printed, there was no mention of me. No connections at all. (And I say this very happily.)

But you are SO silly sometimes… and I do know about those “thoughts first thing in the morning”… especially THIS morning. This SNOW-COVERED morning. We had quite the storm last night: WIND! The snow came down like a thick fog. It was beautiful.

Anyway, I will tell you, before this gets too long: Last night I dreamt that I received an e-mail from Silas about the car. In the dream he said “Sure. Anything to help.” But when I woke this morning, MY first thought was: “It was only a dream.” and then came the very strangest bit… ANGER! Something snapped in my head and everything has turned to ANGER! Not “rage”… just anger.

The lease on this place is in Silas’ name, so HE is responsible for the condition of the house when HE leaves… not me. Through the entire Winter, I have made sure that the place was kept warm so that the plumbing wouldn’t freeze, the water pipes wouldn’t burst, the windows wouldn’t crack, the wood wouldn’t split. (These are things that I’ve been very blessed to know about maintaining a house through Northern Winters and that he has NO clue about at all.) It cost me 4500$ just for the oil for the house from November through today. Which is almost fair because the rent alone for the 6 months has cost Silas 4800$. So we have shared the expense. However… according to Silas, since he started working in Shelburne and went back to living with his mothers, he hasn’t been able to afford the gas to commute, to come to the house, so I spent the entire Winter here, with the thermostat set at 50F all night and 58F all day.

The electric service up here is quite costly. The stove, the lights, the little room heaters, the hot water heater, the furnace… these things run on electric. I’ve used the computer, used minimal lights (keeping the house rather dark), minimal space heating (for my room at night when I go to “bed” as it were), done minimal cooking (even to the point of having my tap-water coffee in the mornings so as not to use the stove to heat water)… Silas has the electric bill sent directly to his mothers’ address so I don’t have access to that. But I’ve kept the usage to the ultimate minimum through the Winter.

Water: As you know, and I know that you know this, water is not “free”. Here, the “allowance” for the house, which includes not just Silas and I but Hilary as well, is, I believe, 2500 gallons/month. Anything over that, we have to pay for. The cost is split between Hilary and us. So, I have seen to it that I wash my few dishes only twice per week, I shower once per week (which is VERY NOT like me), and I make the laundry once ever 2 weeks and I flush the toilet only when I take a shit. One day the landlord came in, during this time when I am in the house alone, and claimed that the water usage was “up”. It wasn’t enough to be charged for, and I still believe it was a lie, but the fact remains, I kept the water usage DOWN… drastically! I very well could have used considerably more water, but I didn’t.

Snow removal: This is a HUGE issue up here of course. (I mean… SHIT! It’s 2 April and even as I type this, the ground is covered and there’s MORE snow falling.) The drive has to be maintained, cleared when necessary. The cost of that service is the responsibility of Silas and Hilary, to be split 50/50. THIS Winter, I went out, bought the bloody shovel out of my pocket and every time it snowed, I went out and cleared the snow and ice. So that cost them NOTHING! It could have been over 1000$ (500$ for each of them) for the season. Ah.. and I add: I haven’t needed to use the drive because I’m not driving! I don’t even use the drive to get in or out of the house so the condition of the drive has been a matter of convenience to Hilary… and to Silas if he’d ever come up.

General maintenance: The landlord has been here 3-4 times in recent weeks. Each time he’s told me that he’s “never had anybody keep a place in as good order and as clean” as I have. And the landlord knows that Silas hasn’t been residing here, so he knows that the maintenance of the house is all “me” and my work. We even discussed the fact that, had it all been left to Silas, he, the landlord, knows that Silas is completely clueless about “The North Country”, the weather, the Winter, AND ANY kind of “house maintenance”. So the landlord is aware of all that I’ve done round here.

I want to make it clear: I don’t bitch because of any hardships. I don’t mind the Winter. I ADORE the Winter… especially the North Winters! I’ve SO enjoyed doing what has to be done to maintain this house. This is the way I grew up… this is the way my “life” has always been. I’ve been EXTREMELY blessed in just knowing what needs to be done and being able to do it all… not to mention, actually ENJOYING it!

Now comes yesterday and why I was in a rather sour mood:
•Silas tells me that the electric company has demanded a “deposit” on the account because he missed a payment. Well… during the course of the Winter, I made payments on the electric account. Not the entire bill, but total of about 150$. This, while I was not collecting unemployment and wasn’t working.
•He knows that I need the computer now for my unemployment hearing Tuesday next. I receive an e-mail from Silas telling me that the Internet bill is due, the company is about to disconnect and that he can’t afford the payment. So… yesterday, with the little reserves I had left, I ran to the post office and sent him a money order to pay the bill. Will he pay it? I don’t know at this point. But there went another 60$ to cover the cost of Internet service for the month of April…when I only need half the month, and will be here for only half the month.

Final point:
Back in December, when my last client died and work wasn’t coming in, and Silas’ hours at the Post Office were being cut-back, we both agreed that we couldn’t really afford to keep this place. So Silas went to the landlord and said that we would have to leave.
•The landlord told Silas that they (Don and Connie are the landlord) understand BUT… BUT… BUT… his lease is through August 2013 and they would hold him to it! He could leave, BUT they would do what-ever they had to, to collect ALL the rent through August 2013 (6400$). THAT is why I have been here through the Winter. As I told Silas, and I knew this from the beginning for many reasons, the landlord KNOWS the expense of maintaining this house through a Winter and rented the place so that HE didn’t have to pocket that expense. WE became responsible for it ALL.
•THEN, when it came right down to the line and Silas went BACK to the landlord and said that he (Silas) simply CANNOT afford to keep up with the rent any longer, the landlord said “OK. Well, we agree to break the lease when the warm weather comes.” (Bringing us to this month.) My suspicions and original thoughts are now confirmed.

Come THIS MORNING, for some reason, it all came crashing down on me and it’s not that I resent ANY of what I’ve done. Again, I’ve actually had a most wonderful time of having this house… even alone. (Silas would have all but died over this Winter had he been here.)

But the very idea that the ONLY thing I need right now is for him to use his credit card to get the car so that I can simply, quietly and in one instant, move me and my belongings out of this house. AND I have the means, with the help of others, to GIVE him the cost, in cash, up front, even before the reservation is made. It would, in all probability cost 150$ with the deposit the rental company would charge for the car and deposit together. And, since the cost of the car is, let us say 40$, the deposit is refunded… and I haven’t even considered asking for the balance to be given back to me… well… the balance would simply be a payment toward his credit card balance. And he can’t (or won’t) even bother with that much.

*** Thank you for putting up with this tirade this morning because as I type, another thought comes to mind:
In a letter that Silas received from the landlord in March, as I understand it, this house is to be in “move-in” condition on 1 May. Empty and in good order. If it is not, the landlord will then hold Silas accountable for the remainder of the lease… 3200$. In this morning’s mood I’ve just thought: I am rather in a “bargaining position” here. If I don’t leave by that date, Silas will essentially have to “evict” me, which means going through the courts. The landlord will have to “evict” Silas, since he’s the only signature on the “official” lease AND sue Silas for the 3200$. Me? Since the only words I’ve ever received from Silas about moving out of here is an e-mail, and even then, the terms of that e-mail have been changed from time to time, Silas would have no grounds on which to legally “evict” or to “sue” me for anything. AND… I have receipts showing that I’ve maintained the house through the Winter, essentially to his benefit.

OK. I have to mull this over in my head. But my bottom line remains the same over-all. I do NOT want to be in this house come the 15th. On the 16th, everything that is not “mine” will be removed and the house will be empty.

More important: there isn’t enough oil in the tank to keep the place heated for much longer than that and the MINIMUM expense of putting more oil in is about 300$.

For now, this morning, I have only today for the site-building soft-ware and I irresponsibly wasted yesterday in packing and putting the house in “move-out” order. So I have to get to the work that has yet to be done on the web-site. So I’m going to get to that immediately and then on with pondering all of this…

Thank you for letting me rant. Where this will go will be interesting… to say the lease. [least]
End Quote

10.13 More snow. – It was only moments after I’d typed that, whilst working on yet another change on Schmulik’s site (by the way… the soft-ware expired AFTER I’d used it one this morning! So I’m back to coding the OLD way: Notepad! WoofukmeHoo.) when a pick-up truck pulled up out-side, 2 guys got out… they were apparently measuring for the siding. But I didn’t know that so I busied me… EVERYTHING IS NOW DOWN-STAIRS! In the little corner by the stairs… the LITTLE corner. The house is rather officially… EMPTY! And so here I sit. Not happy. Not sad. Not depressed. Just in a general frame of mind of “FTW”! OK. – 21.58 Well, it was a day. I made a stop at Mayhew’s and chatted with Brenda. I told her about the move and she said “You don’t look to happy about it. You really don’t want to leave. I can see it.” And, as the conversation went along… As timing will have it, she told me that there was a HUGE demand for people to do taxes this season! Apparenlty folks here don’t like going to the tax-prep folks and I could have made quite an income! FUK ME O FUK ME O FUK ME! Well, why should THAT be any different from the rest? I truly should walk round with a hole cut in my trousers and my bung-hole prepped. It would make it so much easier for the world. Anyway, we talked about the DaysInn bit as well and she said “Shit! That just ruined your life all because she wouldn’t even talk to you!” FUK ME O FUK ME! See? SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS and I didn’t even have to say a thing! Gee… imagine that! Well… it strengthens my resolve for the 15th and MY way. – So I spent the day, almost in a state of vegetation, watching Nature specials on the Netflix and YouTube. And tonight I actually ate… steak and eggs. I have almost 200$ in FS that MUST be used in 2 weeks! I should be right and ready on the 15th… even for the next Ice Age. – Oh.. checked on my State refund. It was sent on the 28 Mar. BUT we have to wait 10 “business” days for it to arrive!!!!! THAT puts it at the 14th! Imagine? Well, there you have it. HELL! Maybe I can arrange for a lift for that 725km NORTH directly!!!!! And I can pay the gas! THAT should be a nice selling point (since I’m obviously NOT getting a car to get me out of here). Oh well… so typical… “Timing”. But at least I can put this to good use. – A point of interest this evening: I’ve learned that the bill for the Comcast/Internet was 37$ in December. Gee… I wonder why it was 57,41 this month. Hmmm…. No further comment. Just more shit to take with me when I walk away from here. (I’ve half a mind to simply do what I’d revelled about this morning in an e-mail to Schmulik: I have such a stock-pile of medications here, to go with the BDM… I just might, for shitzengiggle, decide to, one night next week, put the heat up comfortably, go to my cot, put on some delightful music, snuggle under the blankets and wash the meds down with the BDM. Let them find my dead carcass right here in the house…. with a simple note: cremate the remains and toss them in Québec. (One issue: I don’t know even ONE person who would respect even that wish.) – Well, there was an e-mail from Schmulik this morning. Confirmed that I can start work the day after I arrive in NYC (HAH HAH HAH!) AND he’s got a connection to Rockaway so he’s looking into a place for me where I can rent… CHEAP… AND can help re-build in my spare time! Imagine that! AH… how WONDERFUL! Bloodyfucking shame… I’ve no way to get to NYC. Oh well… all I can feel tonight is: Too bloody fucking bad. And I don’t care. True, that. I don’t care anymore. – And so, having a bit of hot tea right now and prepping for “cot” for the night. It’s been other-wise quiet. No “communications” to write of… here. – 12 more days to… HOME! – 22.38 WHEN SILAS WAS HERE THE OTHER DAY HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO RE-INSTATE MY PHONE! THE PHONE WOULD COST MORE THAN THE CAR RENTAL!!!!! WHAT BULL-SHIT IS THIS ALL ABOUT? OK. NOW I END THE DAY EVEN ANGRIER THAN I STARTED!!!!! SERIOUSLY? FTW!

Wed.3.Apr.12: 7.30

A bit of a fright this morning. The Internet was gone when I put the computer on. Gee. No phone. No e-mail. No connections to anybody. I restarted the computer and as it did, I made coffee thinking: This morning, it will all close. – The computer re-started… so too, the Internet. – I am composing a brief message to Silas:

__________
There's no way to put any voice to this so that it doesn't sound threatening or like an ultimatum, even if I could send it on tear-stained images, I expect it would still be construed as threatening. So, tossing Fate to the wind:

I need to get out of this house.
You need me to be out of this house
I desperately need your help
and
I am even willing to PAY you for your help.

I don't want to leave with any regrets or animosity.
I told you that I would help you even when I leave and after.
I don't want anything to change that.

There are details that could be mentioned but they can wait.
This covers it.
___________

10.02 IT IS SO COLD IN HERE!!! Meteo says it's minus5C. The wind is blowing,but there's no snow… to speak of. (I don't know how much/little oil is left in the tank but this COLD is getting to me!) I've been "amusing" me by removing e-mails to a back-up… individually. You'd think that at this point in time it would be a matter of "select, point, click". But humanity is still entirely too stupid. – I planned on making me "nice" today. Hair, nails, shave, shower. Just for the fukkall of it. But if this house doesn't warm up, that's not happening. I haven't brushed my teeth, washed… nothing… in about a week now? Quite a bit of a "funk in attitude". Really? Gee! OMG! and shit like that. I'm not entitled to this funk. I mean, think about it. What have I got to whine about? I should be happy that I'm not sitting out on the front porch waiting to be hauled away as a "Trespasser"… yet. I see that moment coming. I see several “moments” coming. None of them any good. No good at all. – Earlier, the CT Co-op truck came by the house. My heart went to my gut and my gut wrenched it to my nose. I don’t know if the bill has been paid. I don’t know anything about this house any longer. From past experience with Silas, the Internet could still go. The electric could go. Anything could happen. Well… if my communications with people is stopped, THAT will be the moment when I get me together with the last of the hot water in the house, get dressed “presentably”, tidy the house, go to my cot and have my “cocktail”. Cut my communications and I’m lost… gone. The whole problem right now is that, no matter what I say, no matter how I put it, anything and everything I say will be taken as “confrontational” and I’m in no condition to handle that. I just don’t have the stamina. But, I keep thinking: once the “hearing” is done, nothing else matters anyway. I’ll get that done and then nothing else will matter. The dam will be open and what comes, simply comes. One way or another… I’m out of here. “How” that happens is to be seen. I don’t care. It’s just me, at 58, sitting in this big, old, EMPTY house, alone and what I do is only MY concern at this point. – Yesterday I thought: This is very much like a diagnosis of Cancer. I know when it will be all over. And so I deal with it as I should. – 10.15 A message on Skype from Silas… from last night at 23.48… “Hey”. Hmmm… here we go… I’ll reply, see what comes… The possibilities make me physically sick. (I just replied: Morning. Would you believe your last night’s message JUST came through this morning?”) He’s “on” Skype, logged-on to e-mail. But that doesn’t mean there’ll be any kind of response/reply. I could phone… but I’m not physically stable enough to handle the out-come. I’m not mentally or emotionally stable enough. OK.. Now I want to vomit. Time to divert my attention for a bit, recuperate. – It’s just so DAMNED COLD! And the thermometre here reads 64F. I can’t help but keep thinking how, the people I talk with in town all say they had their thermostats set to 70F through the Winter. I was VERY lucky to toss a 65F once in a great while. Cold… no more cold! Soon and very soon… – 15.31 That had to be the worst yet: I got SO tired, SO suddenly at 13.50 that I HAD to go up-stairs and lie down. I’d just finished trimming my hair and beard, shaved, scoured teeth and took a most wonderful hot shower (must look nice for the cremation). Tossed the wash into the dryer, went back to watching “Metropolis” (since I couldn’t finish last night) and BANG! WIPE-OUT! It’s happening more and more lately… just a sudden complete drop. So I went up, set the alarm for 25 minutes and SLAMMED into a DEEP sleep… for 10 minutes. The WIND is banging against the house so hard today that it sounds as if somebody’s tromping about the place. But the sleep was SO profoundly deep that I felt as if I’d slept for an hour. Not “refreshing” but just long… The mental anguish these days… – The wind… leaves have been blowing up against the window all day… random leaves, as if they’re little messengers. I’m looking forward to following. – 18.34 The thermometre in the room reads 68F and I am SO COLD! And just had the WORST cramp I’ve had in many years… suddenly… sharp… I actually grabbed the chair and yelled. My insides are POURING out of me now. Well… good thing the days are passing. But this cold… why so cold? This is the warmest the house has been since the Autumn and yet, my hands are like ice and I can’t kick the shivers. – It’s minus2C. Going down to minus6C tonight. Quite a few cold days to come. I’m tired of being cold… just very tired of being cold… and just tossed. Especially by Silas. Especially… But he’ll be left to handle what I leave behind. And there will be plenty left behind to serve as a reminder… – It’s difficult tonight. The skies are grey, the wind is blowing. There were flurries earlier, but nothing to even notice, actually. The streets are empty. And the leaves are blowing against the windows. Nobody on e-mail. Nobody on Skype. Just me… Only me. Maybe tonight would be a good night to leave. The place is mostly in order for it. And tonight I just don’t care. We’ll see how it goes. – Finished watching “Metropolis” just now. At least I got to see that. – I’ve been such a complete shit all my life. Truly and honestly, a complete shit.
Took the beatings my siblings should have gotten when I was a kid. Said nothing.
When things got really tough in the house, primarily because of paternal resentment, I left, even though I wasn’t at all prepared. But it kept “peace” in the house-hold for the rest, so I left.
First place on my own? The phone got cut because the kids from college used fake “calling cards” from my phone. When the calls got traced, nobody was there to pay up. But I knew they couldn’t pay. So…
Then, I had a place, Ren needed a place. I opened my doors. He didn’t carry any responsibility, ate me out of house and home.
Cathy: needed a place. I opened my doors. She stayed, free. Bounced a cheque that cost me my rent, and the flat. Then she disappeared.
TJ: needed a place. Again, open door. He left me with an 1100$ phone bill, but had enough to fly to Paris for the wk-end.
I sided with the anti-Nam, “Bring the boys home” movement.
Volunteered for all sorts of fund raisers.
Hands Across America.
AHRC Walk-A-Thon.
Financially helped my sister keep her kids sheltered and fed.
Bronx River Restoration: 80 hours/week.
Downing Park Restoration: uncountable hours.
Donated art to Historical Societies.
Joined the “Occupy Wall Street” movement and brought them blankets, tarps, marched with them.
Got the word out there for awareness of the plight of The Homeless.
Came to Vermont and spent more hours helping Silas get work when he had none instead of making sure I had enough work.
What a complete and total FAILURE. ALL OF IT. Just one great big, huge FAILURE.
But I DO remember what Mum said:

“When you see something that needs to be done and you can do it… DO it. It’s not about the “Thanks”… there are no “Thanks”. You do it simply because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Do what must be done, do all that you can and move on.”

and

“When you think about it, we’re all here in this together. And we’re all here alone. And if we can’t help each-other, then we’re all pretty much just lost.”

Well… she was OH SO RIGHT! And I think I pretty much did what she believed to be the “Right” and “Just” and “Proper” things. I was there to “do” when something had to be done. And I was there to “help” when “help” was needed. And yes, again, she was OH SO RIGHT… -It’s not about the “Thanks”… there are no “Thanks”.- And so, the time comes when I’m the one in need, and since I’m no longer viable, and no longer able to “give” or to “help”, as Mum said, it’s time to “move on” and out of the way.

20.18 Here’s a bloody fucking joke, but oh so typical: The book is still selling! And so much better than I’d ever expected. There’s money that will be put into the banque account… in bloody JUNE! Gas money out of here! Or enough to rent a car! THERE! I’ve got a few more days to figure where to send my ATM card and PIN. The book was written for/by the Homeless. “Pay forward”. I wonder if I can find Denis. I’ll have to do a little research. And the State tax refund cheque will come on the 14th of this month. Income… at long last, income. What a bloody waste. –

Thu.4.Apr.11: 7.04 Another morning of really not feeling well… Got to bed this morning at about 1.45 and woke this morning feeling awful, coughing, eyes burning. Then came the day and date and for some stupid reason I’ve just sent Silas a memo: “We need to talk about my moving out, hopefully by the 15th. But we need to talk about it very soon. When you have the time you can call me at (the number on Skype). I will NOT discuss this over e-mails or texts. And it all boils down to the same thing as the unemployment: To lose after trying is one thing; to lose because of not trying is unacceptable. And this is how this morning begins. I am positive that this will all be blown into a full-rage battle. But that’s the way it will have to be. I will not start it. But I will finish it. – (Fri.) As the day went along, it was… uncomfortable. This state of constant RAGE is eating away at me. And it makes it so that I can’t focus, can’t concentrate on anything other than the RAGE. But I don’t act on it. I just don’t have what it takes to do that. – It did turn out to be a rather “up” night though. Nancy got me into watching Eddie Izzard and for the first time in ages, I got to LAUGH! It actually started with the “Finger” episode of “QI” but Izzard really topped it off. I went to bed in a really “good” frame of mind…

Fri.5.Apr.10:11.54 Although I was awake, with-out the alarm again, this morning at 6.30, I have been removing and backing-up e-mails all this morning. – But even more important:
Last night it was all but impossible to not get comfortable and enjoy the night with the BDM. I was at peace. I was thinking ever so clearly. I was calm. And in all honestly and sincerity, the only thing that kept me from reaching into the little bag at bed-side was the fact that the house is in such dis-order. I will NOT have ANYBODY say, even though it would make no difference at all, that I’d been so selfish as to leave the house a mess. And THAT, is, with heart and soul, the ONLY reason I am typing this this morning.
So, that entered… It is Friday. I am still in “Hate and Rage” today. Although, it is all some-what “subdued” as of the moment. I am still VERY MUCH expecting the word from Silas, backing-down, once again, on words he said in last night’s chat. Indeed, I have NO reason or cause to put ANY “Trust” in him at all any longer… and that hurts, quite deeply. As I keep saying, over and over in my mind, to the point where I swear my heart actually beats the words:

Je suis complètement seul maintenant. Personne ne sait. Personne ne comprend. Personne ne veut savoir. Personne ne veut comprendre. Personne ne se soucie vraiment . Je suis complètement seul.
Ceux-ci sont les heures maintenant et ils sont peu.

Plus 1C and cloudy today. Rain in the forecast. 3C tomorrow and clear. 8C on Sunday with rain, possibly some flocons. And I am looking forward to one of those days being completely ruined with the visit of “the lesbians”, as Silas refers to them. I am rather beside myself at present: should I be here or should I be else-where? I have no use for either of them. They’ve been miserable toward me, even after I helped “their boy”. I mean, shit… He’s working… thanks very much to me. Even he has said as much. Ah… they will all see things after I’m “gone”… which-ever way that takes place. They will see. And I say so not in anger. It is a fact, pure, plain and simple. – Time to get along with what-ever this day will allow me to accomplish. I really need to clean in here. “My” room is a mess. I look at the conditions in this house… they SCREAM “DEPRESSION”!!!!! I’ve NEVER been like this before… EVER. I don’t care. –

14.12 AND SO SILAS BURTON SHOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS….

21.05 I almost can’t believe this: I went down to Mayhew’s and it was still day-light. I’m just now walking back in the door. Talking with Brenda. HOW HOW HOW can I leave this town? Maybe, just maybe, all this shit… this SHIT that I’m going through is the “answer”. Maybe this SHIT is the explanation, the cause, the hint, the what-ever. Maybe I’m not supposed to leave here… Maybe, just maybe I’m supposed to stay… one way or another. Well, if there’s another night like last night, where it was so difficult not to just down the BDM… the next time, there won’t be any fight against it. I’ll make sure the house is in “order” from now on. No reason not to… leave. After today? I see just how much sincerity there is. And after the talk with Brenda, I see just how much is, and how much is not worth the effort. And for the most part… it’s not worth the effort. And when it’s over? None of anything I’ve done or said will make any difference anyway. So… WTF? I’ve got my “ticket”. I came into this world naked and alone. I won’t go out naked, but I’ll sure as Hell go out alone. I’m good with that. – I put an ad on Craigslist this evening… for transport and moving. 2 ads in VT and 2 in NYC. I got a call from a guy in RICHMOND who read the advert and didn’t see that it was from RICHFORD! BUT… he told me that he’d come to VT and charge half of the cost to get here and all of the cost to get to Queens! Imagine that! (I wonder how much…) I told him I’d call him and let him know. Then I just checked… an e-mail… from Queens again. Another one… might be able to help me mid-week. Will let me know tomorrow, via e-mail. Imagine? NEW YORKERS! Still quick to look and grab what they can in moments. But, leave it to a New Yorker to be the first to call. (Oh, and another New Yorker has replied via e-mail. I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, why the fuck should a Vermonter take any notice? There aren’t enough of them who can read! – BUT… isn’t it strange? Spending all that time with Brenda, down to Mayhew’s this evening, was a beautiful reprieve, a respite from all this bullshit that’s happening here. We talked about things in the town, the State. We talked about the positives and the negatives. We talked as “Town’s Folk”. She knows this is hurting me. She was the one who mentioned it first.

THIS IS HANGING FROM THE CELLAR RAFTERS BY ONE THIN “SPIDER WEB”. I NOTICED IT THIS EVENING WHEN I WENT DOWN TO CHECK THE REMAINING OIL FOR THE FURNACE. WITH THE “LEGS” CURLED AS THEY ARE, IT’S THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE TOP OF A SODA CAN.

DEATH

Sat.6.Apr.9: 0.40 So once again I wait for the continuation, for the “conversation”, for the “communication” that never comes until the THREATS come flying out of no-where. I wait… dead tired… for … nothing. I should know better by now. I should know better than to wait for what’s not to happen. But I’m the world’s dumbest shit. I wait. And either today or tomorrow, Silas’s nasty mothers are due to simply show up at the door to come take away the rest of what’s in the house. Ah… and yet, in the kindness of the heart of a Buddhist, Silas says in a brief tele-conversation: I’m not working on the 20th and the 21st. Right. So it’s just fine by the sympathetic Buddhist to leave me in an empty house. Ah… and I paid for a month’s worth of Internet. The “mothers” want to take the computer this week-end. AND… I’m informed that the Internet is only good until the 19th! I paid 60$ for 19 days’ worth of Internet service that I will only have for 7. How compassionate. Indeed. Buddha. Yup. Strengthens my belief: Bullshit! – Well, I’m exhausted. 6.30/7.00 will be here soon and I must be up and in some manner, prepared for the CRUSADE! For the INQUISITION! For the INVASION! Well… on Monday there should be a call from the lawyer. We’ll see what happens then. I’m actually glad I got in touch with a lawyer. And if the computer goes on the week-end? It’ll be well worth the 105km walk to Burlington to SEE the lawyer. In this silence, things will be brought to life. – 7.33 It’s lovely to wake on a beautiful clear, and sunny morning, as the light dashes in through the window, covering your waking soul with brilliant and warm sun-shine… and to look out the window onto the hills, with the small homes dotting along the line of the dirt road in the distance… and you check the forecast and see glowing sunshine through the day, and temperatures rising to where there isn’t a minus to the left of the digit… descend the stairs, put the kettle on to boil in preparation for the morning’s coffee… it is peaceful, calm, serene… the furnace kicks up just as you notice night’s lingering chill in the air… and in your heart, that little voice comes rising up… “FUCK AM I SO GOD DAMNED SORRY I’M BREATHING!” yet again. But at least the mornings are constant in that respect. – The charcoal sketch of the fleur de lis on the wall up-stairs has been “sealed” this morning. There will be no more work done on it. It never did get “finished”… much like the time here. Much like almost everything about these 18 months here. – I’ve decided this morning: the nice lady at the lawyers’ office said that the situation here isn’t so much Tenant/Landlord as much as “breech of contract”. Well… Don is entitled to 3200$ for the remainder of the lease… and if so, and if said, and if I am entitled to the remainder of the “contract”… there’s a car… and a little place to call “shelter” in that amount… for me.
9.34 THE DIMENSIONS OF MY “LIFE”:
Thinking in terms of “shipping” what is here, I decided to try and pack the packed boxes into boxes on-hand. Et pis… c’est ben INCROYABLE! when you look at it and think that this is ALL of EVERYTHING I have, save the cot which packs into it’s own box, folded to 23x10x101 (and for the US and Burma: 9x4x40 INCHES!). THE SUM TOTAL SPACE OF MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS (giving an allowance over for “margin of error”) A BLOODY FUCKING 76x102x102 (and for the US and Burma: 30X40X40 INCHES!). SO… I say, let us now ponder even MORE of the petty bull-shit of ALL of current events. In yesterday’s installment of the continuing saga of COMPLETE AND UTTER UNFORGIVABLE STUPIDITY and general clinical retardation (OH WHERE IS HITLER WHEN ONE NEEDS HIM?) the claim to, let us call it ‘caring, compassion, concern’ was: ‘You would be driving with no clear view out the back window…’ WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING FUCK? in plain American English. SERIOUSLY? There are 3 boxes that are 41cm (16 inches) high! THE BLOODY FUCKING BACK SEAT OF THE CAR WITH MORE THAN ENOUGH CLEARANCE TO SEE OUT THE BACK WINDOW! A.N.D…. A TRUNK!!!!! I have NO PATIENCE left for the complete and total asininity, battiness, brainlessness, doltishness, fatuity, fatuousness, feeble-mindedness, idiocy, ignorance, imbecility, imprudence, ineptitude, nitwittedness, nonsense, obtuseness, puerility, stolidity, stupefaction, stupidness, and all words there-to related to the absolute extreme… that, to me, it appears I am surrounded by! I can’t even BEGIN to imagine, in sharpness of mind or complete stupour, the absolute VOID of ANY even REMOTE semblance of even a TRACE of intelligence. THIS is proof-positive: HOPELESS! Unadulterated HOPELESS! One small car. One quick trip. One quarter of one day’s time… DONE! FINISHED! THE PAST! FAIT A-BLOODY-FUCKING-CCOMPLI! BUT NO!!!!! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! NO!!!!! WE MUST MAKE IT MORE INVOLVED! WE SIMPLY CANNOT ALLOW FOR THE SIMPLICITY. NO! TOO EASY!!!!! THERE’S A NEED FOR DRAMA! CONFUSION! TENSION! STRESS! NO! NO! AND AGAIN… NO! THIS CANNOT SIMPLY BREEZE ALONG IN PEACE AND SERENITY! NOT ON OUR WATCH! MAKE THE ARSE-HOLE SWEAT! INDEED! OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN’T POSSESS THE PROPER MENTAL CAPACITY TO SEE THE FOLLY OF HIS IDEAS! WE MUST SHOVE SOMETHING INTO THIS SITUATION TO CREATE HAVOC! LET CHAOS RULE! WHAT A BUNCH OF TOTAL SHITS! Yes… I am at my end. There is neither “sense” nor “sensibility” any longer. I could be packed, out of here and on my merry little way by noon on this Tuesday coming. All would be left in peace and serenity. Spring could pass silently into Summer and all… yes ALL could be well with the world. Ahhhhh…. but NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!! THAT SIMPLY CANNOT BE!!!!! Only 2 words keep repeating in my head: USELESS and HOPELESS.
And so, I return to my waiting for the “Lesbian Invasion”. There isn’t even enough consideration to say WHEN the invasion will take place. THIS IS WAR! AND WE MUST BE ON CONSTANT GUARD… CONSTANT AWARENESS… CONSTANT PREPAREDNESS! There is no telling when Elvira Gultch and her evil twin come soaring out of the yonder blue with Hellish spells and incantations, allegations and accusations. it could be today… it could be tomorrow. It could be in 2 minutes from now… it could be NOW… it could be after lunch… well Hell it could be in the middle of the night for all I know. But… it WILL BE. (Probably when I’m either in the shower OR, even better yet, as I sit on the bowl, mid-shit.) Alas. But it will be… when it will be. – These are the days when I know how very blessed I was, to have at least ONE parent with whom I could sit, logically, rationally and sanely, to discuss or even debate an issue, with-out fear or terror. And yet, I was surrounded by others who cringe, cow, retreat, with-draw in FEAR of their parents… EVEN IN THEIR OWN ADULT-HOOD! How simply PITIFUL! – Time to get along with the day. There are little chores I need to accomplish. Let the “World” do what it will… and it WILL. FUKKITALL!

15.03
Robin and Gwyn came at about noon. Just left.
ROBIN INSISTS ON TAKING THE COMPUTER…. SHE WANTED TO TAKE IT RIGHT NOW, BUT WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I HAVE FILES ON IT, AND THAT I PAID FOR THE INTERNET SERVICE THIS MONTH, SHE SAID SHE’D COME BACK FOR IT TOMORROW!!! SHE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME BEING HERE WITH NOTHING. SHE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. WHEN I TOLD HER THAT SILAS AND I AGREED THAT I COULD USE THE COMPUTER UNTIL AFTER TUESDAY, SHE SAID “HIS PLANS HAVE CHANGED.” WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I’D OFFERED HIM THE MONEY TO MOVE, SHE SAID “HE NEVER TOLD US ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. HE CAN’T TAKE THE TIME OFF FROM WORK BECAUSE HE’LL LOSE HIS JOB.” SO MUCH FOR TRUSTING ANY OF THEM. SHE ENDED IT ALL BY SAYING “WE’LL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK AND YOU CAN GO OUT AND BUY A PHONE.” WHEN I POINTED OUT THAT THERE’S NO PLACE AROUND TO BUY THE PHONE, SHE OFFERED TO BUY THE PHONE FOR ME AND WILL LET ME KNOW WHAT THE NUMBER IS TONIGHT. I HAVE THE HEARING ON TUESDAY, THE LAWYER CALLING ON MONDAY. AND TENTATIVE HELP MOVING OUT OF HERE FOR FRIDAY! I TOLD HER THAT I HAVE ALL THESE THINGS HANGING AND SHE JUST WON’T HEAR ANY OF IT. SO…

THANK YOU SILAS LEE BURTON. WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO THANK ME FOR HELPING YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED IT MOST.

OK. Tonight… I don’t recall what time it was when I sent Silas an e-mail with the text from the book… from the “Acknowledgements”, so that he could see that he is, in fact, in there. I had Skype up and running and apparently he was logged-on. I’d been chatting with Nancy and Schmulik (THANKFULLY BECAUSE I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN IN A MAJOR DEPRESSION HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THEM TONIGHT!) and when the chatting finished, I switched over to see if MAYBE, I’d get a word from Silas, and then I noticed: He’d changed his picture from the big cat at the tea set with the sushi, that I’d found some-where on-line, thought of him and sent him, to the image I’m including here! What bothers me the most is that I can’t really tell, but to me, it looks as if he’s crying. Based on what I know of his “mothers” and what I’ve experienced first hand, and what he’s told me about the abuse he’s taken from both of them, yes, I would say he’s crying. If so, I can imagine that this is going to be terrifying for him: When I’m gone and he gets the time to “think”, I’m not going to be “right here”, waiting in this old house. This old house won’t be here for him anymore. He might be able to toddle away to some new bit of “stuff” he finds on the Internet. But eventually, he’ll have to go back to “them”! He is, pretty much… trapped. Of course, my first impulse is to DO something to give him an “out”, to be the “me” that I’ve always been, to “rescue”! BUT… These 18 months here in Vermont have been a lesson: NO! I WILL NOT! I’ve spent the entire Winter… A.L.O.N.E. He’s the one who took out an Order of Protection against me. He’s the one who accused me of planning to set the house a-fire. He’s the one who’d “promised” me… THREE TIMES… that he would help me move and, well, now I sit here, depending on a stranger… NO! I will NOT intervene! No more! Cry, Silas… just the way I cried. THIS is what you call…
KARMA

And, as I sit here thinking back on yesterday (it’s 8.01 on Sunday morning): I damp-mopped the floors yesterday, and as I did, I just “knew” that the dykes would be showing up as I mopped. Sure enough! There they were! BUT MORE IMPORTANT: SOMETHING IN MY GUT MADE ME PUT THAT ADVERT ON CRAIGSLIST FOR HELP MOVING! IMAGINE? IF I HADN’T DONE THAT, THOSE TWO WORTHLESS IDIOTS WOULD HAVE COME IN HERE, PACKED AND MOVED, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF SUB-SHIT, ROBIN BURTON (OF VERMONT) (AND YES I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING BY PUTTING HER NAME IN HERE… MAKING IT SEARCHABLE ON THE INTERNET) WOULD HAVE PULLED THIS COMPUTER OUT OF THE HOUSE, LEAVING ME WITH NO COMMUNICATION WITH ANYBODY… TRAPPED… TRAPPED… TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE, ALONE, WITH NO WAY OF COMMUNICATING, NO WAY OF GETTING ANY HELP AT ALL!!! AND ONLY UNTIL THE END OF THIS MONTH TO FIND A WAY TO REMOVE ME AND MY THINGS FROM HERE… ON FOOT!!!!! AH… BUT MY GUT TOLD ME TO PUT THAT AD OUT THERE. NOW THE ONLY THING THAT I HAVE TO TRULY BE CONCERNED ABOUT IS THAT THE GUY WHO CALLED TO SAY HE “WILL” BE HERE ON THURSDAY NIGHT SO WE CAN LEAVE ON FRIDAY MORNING ACTUALLY WILL SHOW! IF NOT? IF NOT… IT COMES TO THIS: I WILL BE HERE, IN THIS HOUSE, WITH ALMOST NO HEATING OIL LEFT AND MORE COLD AND DMAP WEATHER TO COME. THE ELECTRIC WILL SOON BE SHUT OFF. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE SILAS ALREADY TOLD ME THAT HE’S STOPPED PAYING THE BILL… AND I KNOW THERE’S A BALANCE DUE ON IT. NO JOB. NO PLACE TO GO TO. AND NO WAY TO MAKE MONEY TO GET A PLACE TO GO TO… UNLESS I CAN FIND SOME COMPASSIONATE PERSON HERE, IN TOWN, WHO WOULD LET ME BE THERE FOR A WHILE. OR… AS I ALWAYS KEEP IN MY MIND: LET THEM COME TO MOVE IN HERE AND FIND ME LAYING THERE, ON THE COT, IN THE ROOM… DEAD. I have to say that the one thing that I truly cannot seem to get to a point where I can even start to understand is: Robin Burton is my age… only about 2 weeks younger. How can she not see what the ramifications of her actions are? Or is it that she truly is one of those people who actually doesn’t give a shit? And if that’s the case… HOW??? How can anybofy be THAT completely wicked? It doesn’t make any sense to me at all! But let me quote the e-mail I sent to Nancy last night:

QUOTE:
Like mother like son… Silas is supposed to be on regular doses of Ativan… daily… small doses, but daily… However, I just discovered that “mother” (bio-mother) is on Escitalopram 20mg! I’ve never taken the stuff (rather potent) but I do know of it. Side effects are not pretty… and apparently she is what they call “non compliant”, taking it only when she “feels” like it and doubling and such with the doses when she “feels” like it. So there!

It’s most “popular” use is as an anti-depressant. (I was on Zoloft for a couple of weeks when I closed my business in NY many years ago. I’d gone to my doctor and he ran down a bunch of suggestions. Zoloft was the best choice and I swear by it! I’d originally gone to him to ask for Xanax, but he recommended something “extra” for the time-being and told me “This is not a long-term thing.” We both agreed and I took the Xanax at night for sleep and the Zoloft until the business was closed… I had a whole bottle left-over when I stopped taking them. I’m not bg on medications… although watching Stephen Fry today…)

ANYway…..

How do I know this? Well, she was kind enough to forget to take her little plastic baggie with her today and was sweet enough to leave 4 tablets. Now… Escitalopram (in this particular dose) is to be taken DAILY… SO… considering she was only going to be here for a few hours at most, bringing FOUR of them? Really? All she came here to do (allegedly) was to pack the KITCHEN! OK? OK! So this explains a LOT… Bloody junkie. NO WONDER she’s so … the way she is.

Silas had told me about this, several times.She’d given him a pain killer one evening and the poor guy even LOOKED like he was dead for weeks! He got on Skype in a bit of a panic and asked me what he should do. Thankfully, he got through it OK. But, even HE said there’s something wrong with her… she pops these things like they’re over the counter aspirin.

So, a little insight on the dilema.

Meanwhile, whilst I still may this night, I WILL thank you again for chatting tonight. I’m just dreading being in this house… empty… I already closed-off the room Silas used as his “closet” and that was an extremely difficult night. Tomorrow, I’ll be closing off this room where the computer is and confining myself to “my” room for the duration, coming through the house only to use the kitchen. I’ll tell you… I’m NOT looking forward to this. I honestly don’t believe anybody knows just how truly painful this is. And since it appears that Silas is not being “allowed” to come back to the house… it makes it even worse.

He changed his “photo” on Skype tonight. I’d sent him a picture of a large cat sitting in front of a Japanese tea set with some sushi. He LOVED that picture and used it for his Skype account. But the image he put on tonight is just haunting. I’ve attached the best I could get from a screen-cap. Seriously, I can’t tell for certain, but from the look, I’d swear he’s crying. I’ve only seem him cry twice… the first time was when he broke down at the lake before he got to work and once when we had had a major blow-up and he came up to “my” room, apologetic and just sobbed.

Nancy… it’s none of my business, but I don’t like this and I don’t like where it’s going. I wish I was the kind of person I used to be and just tell his mother exactly what I think. But, I KNOW she’ll only go back and take it out on him and no matter what, I don’t believe, in my heart, that he deserves that. Yes, I have my “issues” and yes, I’m rather looking forward to getting to his “mothers” when I get back to NYC. But he just doesn’t deserve this shit. THEY coerced him into coming to VT with promises of a better life, and they’d be “there” to help him along. Now? They’re telling him he’s a “failure” and he’s become their “burden”. Fukkall Nanc! I KNOW that that feels like… my own father told me, at the age of about 14 that I’d been “nothing but a burden” to him “since the day [I] was born”. That’s just irreparable.

And yes… I am aware that he’s 32 and it’s about time he just put them in their place. Yet, right now, he’s completely dependent on them and they know it and they’re BOTH using it against him.

I don’t know why I’m bothering you with this. I’m a real shit. I was just going to tell the “tale” of the meds and have done with it. But this actually “haunts” me.

Of course, I’m probably wrong about it all… the part about Silas. The photo is probably a sneer. And they probably have him convinced that I’m a total shit when it comes to him. But… Schmulik keeps telling me that I need to grow up and stop being so damned stupid. Maybe he’s right.

Well, once again, thank you for letting me rant. It’s almost mid-night and I suppose I should TRY to get some rest. There’s much coming this week (KRISTE! I wish I could put 100% faith in this guy who says he’s going to do the trip. If he doesn’t, I’m all but completely trapped… again, only this time… NO way out.). He called me 3 times during the day today. He asked if he could crash here, at the house, on Thursday night so we could get an early start on Friday. The trip from where he is to here is about 2 hours so if he was here in the morning, we could wake and get going. I told him there’s no furniture. He’s bringing a sleeping bag! Imagine?

I told Schmulik about it too. He’d offered to pay for FedEx shipping on my things and help with transporting me. When I told him about this offer and such, he replied: When you get here, I’ll give this guy the money. When I told him the guy would need at least the gas money to make the trip… well… there was no reply. I’m used to that now though… thank you Silas. So… we’ll have to see where this goes.

Oh well… time to “close” this room. I’ve taken my files and such off this computer. Wiped out my Skype info. I’ll still have it… the accounts never go away so I’ll be able to log back on on another computer. I’ve cleaned out my programmes and such. BUT… I’m leaving ONE image on here… the cover of the book…

OH OH OH! THAT reminds me! Come to think of it: I’d sent Silas a copy of the “Acknowledgement” from the end of the book this evening… THAT’S when he changed his Skype picture! Hmmm…. I shall ponder… but not long.

OK. I’ll ring you as soon as I possibly can tomorrow from the mobile. (No doubt it’s a cheap piece of shit and I’ll have to climb a local hill to get service… but…)

Thank you again for keeping me company tonight. Thank Scott for me too. OK?
END QUOTE

I think that maybe this explains a lot… if not all… Anyway, before I sign off on this, since it’s already 8.32 and I don’t want to be on this computer doing anything in particular when the Godless Ones arrive…

Again, I can’t explain why or how I happened to stumble on this
[This was a link... to a video... a 2-part series of/from/with Stephen Fry... on the matter of "bi-polarism"... "manic-depressive behaviour"... It made me all the more aware of my situation, my catastrophic bolts and plummets, and just about everything that's happened to me for the past many years and yes, knowing that some-one so respected is going through the same horrors that I am actually did keep me from "jumping off life's train" (again), tonight. Sadly, the video was removed, the link, broken. But no matter what... the message came to me at the very moment when it was needed... and it's never been forgotten.]
this evening, but I have to add here, on-line, that I truly believe, with my “ALL”, that today, STEPHEN FRY? You saved a life! And I KNOW that that means something to you. I will say “THANK YOU Mr. STEPHEN FRY!”

It turned into a very late night again tonight. I headed up to the cot at about 2.00 on Sunday morning…

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Sun.7.Apr.8: 7.13 Yes, I decided that I would get back onto the computer this morning, since it’s still here and obviously still up and running. A few things to accomplish on here this morning before…. the INVASION! – 7.37 I checked the weather for this week coming… OF COURSE… Thursday and Friday… BLOODY RAIN! And then I realised this morning that when the trip and the delivery are done (and oh shit!!!! I have to pay the storage bill for this month or there won’t be any “storage” to go to!!!!! Oh well yes, why not have the extra stress in this? Eh?) I will have to, being polite and considerate as I am, get this guy out of The City which means I’ll be having to get back to Schmulik’s … by train or bus! “Runnin’ pretty, New York City girl… 25, 35. Come on baby! New York City GIRL! You grew up riding the subways, running with the people; up in Harlem, down on Broadway… Well, Schmulik did tell me last night: be prepared to get to work on Saturday morning. What a “NYC” way to get “back” into it all… Land RUNNING!!!!! – And now, here it is, a rainy Sunday morning, 8.38. I have trepidations. I have questions. I have concerns. Will those who offered to help me, actually come through? Will I find myself standing on the front porch on what is forecast to be a rainy Friday coming with no-where to go to, just me, alone here in town? And no way to get to the no-where I have to go to? Today, what will this all be like? I expect some major shit from Robin Burton (Vermont). There are a great many “cotningencies” that I have to figure out here. Not that any of those will help me get through the coming week of being here, not knowing, relying only on “history” and the out-comes of promises made then. And today, I’ll be closing this room off, passing the closed doors every time I come from the room up-stairs to get to the kitchen… or out the door for what-ever reason. And I’ll be “living” in that room up-stairs… just that one room, that almsot empty room. Today I take the sketch down. The walls will be empty. The room will be empty… the house will be empty… and silent… and dead. But I will always have the pills… And I really have to wonder: WHY? WHY DID THESE PILLS BECOME AVAILABLE… NOW? Why did Silas leave so many of HIS meds behind? And why did Robin leave her meds behind… here, in this house, with me? Something tells me: It’s time to GTFO and HERE is your carriage to take you away. I leave this here, this morning. Until next time… IF there is a next time. I wonder… ***** POSTED FROM THE LIBRARY WHERE, SIMPLY WALKING TO IS MORE PAINFUL THAN I CAN DESCRIBE OR CARE TO EXPLAIN. SAVE FOR NANCY, MY WORDS ARE WORTHLESS THESE DAYS ANYWAY. ***** Sun.7.Apr: 12.18 Comes the Death. The house is empty. The dykes are gone. They left a mess. But Robin did come through… I have a phone. Nancy is busy. Schmulik is not answering. And me? Some-where between here, in this room, and Death… tapping notes on the iPod. – 21.50 What is it about night? Why is going to bed at the end of the day so frightening? I’m terrified! And yet, during the day, I thought, seriously, of simply going up-stairs, getting under the blankets and sleeping the day into and through the night. Now? I want to shower, but even that frightens. It means going to bed, in the dark, empty house. Tonight there’s “finality”… no one will be back… ever. – It was a lovely day. Warm. Windy. I re-re-packed. Sorted, carefully, through clothes, folded properly, packed neatly. I re-re-packed the boxes. 4 now, condensed. Nothing. I have nothing. – Schmulik rang. We talked a while. I enjoyed that. I know he’s not going to come through tomorrow. – Nancy rang. She had a chat with Schmulik onT witter today. I wonder: It never happened when I had Internet. – I droppedby Mayhew’s, talked briefly with Brenda. I’m part of this town. This town is part of me. Nobody understands this. They don’t know how painful this move is. They don’t want to know. – I cooked… club steaks. Sat in the living-room, listening to CBC. I took the radio out of the box I’d packed it in. NO SILENCE! But no music either. NO! I cut the steak, swallowed. Tasted nothing. And it stuck in my throat. I ate because… I don’t know why. – Low 3 tonight. High 10 tomorrow in Montréal. 5cm snow in the Gaspé tonight. – Nancy rang tonight. A Saver! A voice! She got me laughing! I LAUGHED! – But she called me “a survivor”. She doesn’t know: to me, for me, that’s such a kick in the face. It’s meant as a compliment. I HATE IT! HATE! – I washed the dishes tonight… in a kitchen of empty cup-boards. I’m on such pain. Even sitting here in this empty living-room, tapping on this iPod. I’m in so much pain. I’m not a “survivor”… I’m a total shit. – Tonight will be difficult when I go up-stairs. The “mural” is down now. The room is almost empty. – The doors to Silas’ room (I still think of it as his room) are closed. I stacked the empty boxes in front of the door. Two rooms are now closed off… his rooms. This place is now “1 bedroom”. Nobody knows this pain. – I’m so tired… truly just tired. – I’m coming to accept dying in this house. Let Robin discover THAT on Friday. – If I “survive” this move, I’m not thinking of “surviving” NYC. I’ll hitch back soon. – This move is not going to work as planned. I have that “gut” feeling… strong. The ride will cancel. Probably Thursday, during the day. Money won’t come. And if it does, it won’t be enough. It’s going to all go wrong. – I’m going to shower. I bought that shower-head to enjoy it. Then… try… hope for… sleep. Maybe tonight it’ll all work out the “right” way. – Maybe bo shower. Very tired. – Oh, tried Fran’s number twice today. Voice-mail immediately. Please don’t let it be…

Mon.8.Apr: 17.58 It’s been an “interesting” day. It began with waking at 1.23 (true… the time) SOAKED! DRENCHED! Vinegar sweat! Cramps! SO SICK! I got up, had a pee, cawled back under the wet blankets, FELL into sleep! At 7.00, I was awake again, feeling removed from my “self”. I actually had to force myself up. Went down-staurs to put the kettle on. As I headed back up-stairs to brush my teeth, I actually HAD to lay down on the stairs. I couldn’t make it up. Had I not put the kettle on, I’d’ve stayed right there and waited to die… and I felt that was coming. I couldn’t move. So I slid down the stairs, held the banister and got up and back into the kitchen. Made coffee, turned the radio on, had coffee, felt a tiny bit better. – (And on Tue. the catch-up from the notes.)
•9.30 Chomage: the atty asked me to fax or e-mail the docs. from the judge for tomorrow’s hearing. I can’t send docs. I have no computer! Fax? I have no money for that! Robin Burton Vermont has screwed me! This legal help is “fucked”.
At about 9.45 “Ivan”?, or some name like that, the guy who says he’ll make the drive to NYC (I won’t “rest” until we arrive in Queens) rang: change move day to Saturday! He says he’ll come to the house on Friday between 13-18.00 and we can leave early Saturday morning. What can I say? It was originally that he’d come up at about 22.00 on Thursday. And yes, that IS late, especially since he’s got a 14-hour drive the following day. I can’t (yet) object. But now I’m rather trapped: This is my only way to get out of here. 3 promises from Silas came to “lies”. No-where else to turn now. – 11.18 Mail. No tax cheque. My mood drops. – I’m feeling “not here”, spaced. I feel as if my “me” is detached, floating away. If it was a “clinical” observation, it’s an actual “psychotic break”. My psyhe is breaking from sanity. And I don’t have what it takes to battle it… even whilst being aware of what’s happening. – Nancy: rang!!! She’s making a deposit!!! SHE IS HELPING ME!!! My head and heart went into shut-down… pure “SHOCK”! GRATEFUL SHOCK! I’m just not familiar eith this!!! (I note… I expect Schmulik to fuck off with his “promise”, his offer to “help”. I’m not depending on it. Too much of an inconvenience. That’s me: Inconvenience.) – 12.00 Out of phone svce! When I try to make a call I get a recorded message … in French! Bell Mobilité! No out or in calls! I was talking with Nancy, and the connection was cut. Can’t notify Silas of move change or get voice mail! I KNEW this was possible and probable! So did Silas, and, in fairness, it’s why Silas agreed that I needed to keep the computer through Tuesday at the very least. Robin Burton Vermont fucks me AGAIN! (But, as horrifying as it is, it’s heart-breaking: French! Soon I’ll be bombarded with Spanish… again. I’m physically sick… again). – Then! I suddenly remembered: I couldn’t file chomage because no computer yesterday! WOW! THIS goes deeper into the depths of despair! – By 15.00… “My” room is EMPTY. I set the cot in the dining room. Hideous, uncomfortable, but all is down-stairs now. Room by room, the “house” becomes a matter of 3 rooms on 1 floor. And I sleep in a DINING room. Sickening. But I try to always remember: I’m nit out on the streets, not under a tree… and more COLD weather is coming. I am actually thankful: roof, walls, floor. The minimum, but that’s more than “a tree”. I should let the rest go. – Hey!
I showered! Necessary!!! SO necessary! I was thinking it would change my slump. It didn’t. Not really. Now I have to get out a bit… just to get out. Maybe that will “help”… alone. – And so, laundry done, showered, 15.00 and I stepped out into… SUNNY! Blue skies! “Warm”! Walked to Mayhew’s to return some bottles. Leave it to my “Fate”… they’ve hired a new guy to work there! It should’ve been ME! I just don’t get it. It won’t pay enough to pay rent. But I need a job! But.., once again, the little visit was my “connection with the town”. It always becomes painful; a reminder of “leaving”. – I strolled to the banque, ONLY to check the balance. If I have any sort of influence in Creation, I put out Blessings for Nancy!!! It’s not money for “use”. For all intent and purpose, it’s not there. It’s not “mine”. But it is some “Peace”. It’s there (and I think of an e-mail from Schmulik… that’s become a “Burton”. He said he could help me. I asked for the help. It is not firth-coming. I have doubts, trepidations, depresiions about my arrival in NYC. I see NO good coming.) – In the sun-shine and warmth, I dropped into the library to use a computer: Notified Silas of move date. Meanwhile, knowing I have no computer or e-mail, he’d sent me: “I’m walking away from this. I’m not walking away from you.” Silas? I am “this”, you have walked away. You are now the past. This is not over, and won’t be even after I leave VT. You shot me in the back… but I’m not dead… just in too much pain. And if I’ve learned anything here, it’s how to fight… especially when wounded. YI’ve repeatedly told you that if you shoot me, you’ll shoot me in the back… and now you’ve done just that. – I looked-up the cause of “Vinegar sweat”… Depression. And in all references… whilst we sleep. – While I was in the library, the phone rang. I didn’t take the call because I was trying to catch-up on e-mails and such. When I got out of the library, a voice-mail:
*** Call from Housing Atty *** This ENTIRE situation is ILLEGAL! A LAWYER says: If I have any trouble, call police! So, indeed… sadly, this is where this is and where it will go. Sad. But it’snot my choice.***
I stopped by Mac’s: apple pie, juice, 1steak, bread. Not much. I can’t have much food in the house. I can’t buy and carry food. I have no appetite. I force myself to eat. Today’s “meal” consisted of a tin of matzoh ball soup (Thank You Nancy!), a sandwich roll with butter and apple pie. I tasted none of it, sitting in the chair in the living-room, half-listening to the radio… alone. – 18.22 Tired already. CBC English on the radio. Bedding washed, cot set for sleep… in the dining-room. Up-stairs, what used to be the room where I had so many dreams for the future, and so many dreams at night is closed… behind a wooden door. This house is so wonderful. So too, this town. What a fuck that I’m so stuck in this depression. – It wad about 21.00 when the mobile rang: Fran! I’ve been trying to get her for DAYS! She was having computer trouble. Whew! Good to hear her voice! We talked… right to mid-night! Laughed about so much. Got serious: on 19th she has to go to Dr… tumour, on her retina! Another of “Life’s” fuck-ups AND… Cath. Sq. is charging up to 11$ for what used to be the free shoppers’ bus. And then! Her FS? DOWN to 16$/mo! They claim that she can’t “prove medical need”! Meanwhile, the State provides alleged “refugees”: FREE food, subsidised or FREE housing, the “Good News Garage” provides FREE cars, the fuckergees get FIVE years of NO State tax when they start working… It makes me angry enough to tremble! Life, the World… all gone senseless! – It was good to talk with her and she thanked me for getting her to laugh. How well I KNOW how that feels… how SO VERY well!

Tue.9.Apr: 7.59 Grey. Light rain. Up at 7.15… and I ask “Why?” Another day of “nothing”. Why? – But I feel the compulsion to make certain that the house is clean, orderly. Someone will be here.. Don? Later, I’ll take a walk to his place, arrange for him to come see the place, ask what I’m to do with SIX bags of garbage (some of which contain dushes and such that Robin and Gwyn packed). I had 2 bags of my own. The 4 extra are truly not my doing. – And so, the night was… What can I say? I slept in the “dining room”. It took a while to fall asleep, but I did. And the bedding is dry. No sweats… last night. -But this morning I wake to the weather forecast: a “storm”… “coming in from Colorado”… Friday! SNOW! COLD! When my anxieties were on the decrease, after hearing from the atty… they shoot back up and SPLAT on the ceiling. Never “rest”. Never Peace. – The rent on storage is late. Now it’s up to 62$… I can’t touch the money from Nancy! And, to my MAJOR chagrin? Schmulik has pulled a “Silas”: promise, do nothing, say nothing, cut communication. So as of this morning, I HOPE the State tax comes BEFORE I leave! There goes the whole cheque. AND… I now have to hope I’ll have the cash on arrival, that there will be someone at the office, and that they havent’t blocked my access code and double-locked my storage! Well, this is what happens when I let my “guard” down and … trust. At least this time I’m not plummetting into despair. The “trust” isn’t as strong anymore. These have been a “learning” 18 months. Nice; I no longer despair over betrayal of trust and I don’t regret the fact that “Trust” is dead in the World. – 10.50 Pouring down with rain and…
***** NO PHONE SERVICE!!! NO HEARING!!!!! IN ANY ROOM IN THE HOUSE!!!!! NOT EVEN IN THE YARD OUT-SIDE!!!!! GRAND FUCK!!!!! SILAS KNOWS THAT PHONE SERVICE IS LIKE THIS. I TOLD ROBIN BURTON VERMONT about the hearing and that phones cannot be depended on. OK!!! From here? I follow LEGAL advice… POLICE!!!!! Not only do I lose 500$ BUT now I’ll OWE OVER 1000$!!!!! There will be COURTS!!!!! *****
11.27 No phone, but mail’s here. I dread going to check but… It has arrived!!! Of course, ONLY enough to cover the cost of being sure I have STORAGE when I arrive in NYC… but… I rather pray: This is the beginning of a change TO ALL THINGS MOVING INTO GOOD AND PEACEFUL TIME FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD! – A note here: All day yesterday, when there was even a moment of “dead air”, silence on the radio, my guts knotted… wondering if the electric had been shut off. Silas said, when we last spoke, he’s not paying the bill any more. Last night, I left the radio on so I’d know if the electric was on or off. No electric, no phone charge, no electric to start the furnace, no hot water (for shower, no heating water on the stove, no cooking). Yes, I can call the police. A “Vermonter” surely would. And, as Fran pointed out last night: The State has a “Constitution” that is more for the “person” than any other State. I must keep that in mind. And the laws are very pro-Tenant… Me, here, forced out before the end of rhe “contract”, left with-out the promised computer, help to move… then no electric? And nothing in writing, and the last words “I’m walking away from this…” Indeed. – Time to get out of here, get the Storage paid! – Still… no phone service though. And the latest weather report: COLD and SNOW coming Friday! Oil running out. Travel due. Angst lingers, no matter what. – Oh of course: Post Office closed… for lunch. “Time”! How I’ve come to hate it. J’crevé d’la marde! But… something good is to come. – Phone service on though and voice-mail: The judge! “If you get this message with-in the next 2 minutes…” at 10.00! FUCKED! OK! Courts! See you in NYC Burtons. – I have a lawyer. She’s not in the office today, but it gives me something to “do” tomorrow. -14.50 Tax cheque, deposited. Storage, paid. ALL the empty bottles, returned (2$ there. BFD). 2 phone calls to make. The day is done then. And then? Back to Angst. – Other-wise… sick. Always sick. Earlier I thought that I really should eat something. As has become normal, I fell into that “half sleep”: I can hear the radio, it becomes a “dream”. I’m some-how aware of it, but unable to open my eyes. I’m “sleeping”, sometimes heavily. But I hear the radio and I “dream”: the words, sentences, they become images, like a visual of what’s being said. But the visual doesn’t always match what’s being said. The weather report says “snow” and I’m walking along in the woods and there’s snow all round. But the temperature is 6, and the number appears in my “dream”, surrounded by other numbers and I’m doing accounting, trying to put the numbets where they belong; but there’s no sense to where the numbers “belong”. At moments, I become aware of being in the chair, dozing, and then that becomes part of another “dream”. Eventually, I actually wake up, believing I’ve dozed for about 10 minutes… it was 90 minutes!!! This must be what happens to people in a Nursing Home. Depression… It’s frightening, and disgusting. But everything’s packed. Nothing left to “do”. I could get food, eat. Even putting this statement in makes me feel really ill. I pass the day constantly feeling I’ll violently vomit at any moment. All day, every second. And I eant to sleep… just sleep. – 16.52 At 15.30 I laid down on the cot, set an alarm for 16.00 and just laid there, waiting for a sleep that never came. At about 15.50, Ms. Hilary arrived… SLAM! went her door, followed by stomping across her floor. She’s now directly over-head. Prep for NYC? The depression gripped harder. The alarm sounded. I had an appetite! Pizza into the oven! 13 minutes later, pizza on plate, slice taken, one bit in the mouth and my stomach wrenched. But I force-fed me. Apricot nectar to wash it down. I feel as if it’ll all be in the toilet (or on the floor) in moments. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired and wanting to vomit every waking moment. I’m royally annoyed that an offer to “help” hasn’t come. Schmulik hasn’t come through… no word. Exactly like Silas. I don’t need this now. And I don’t deserve this. And now I sit here questioning what’s going to happen when I arrive in NYC. I see no good to come. “Contingency” is enacted: Put everything in storage, out of the way, get right back on the high-way… By Saturday night I’ll be hitching North again. ALL the way North. Fuck it. When I get back, with nothing, I’ll find some work, pay Nancy back. Finish my responsibilities. Truly… she’s the only one I have any respinsibility to. The ONLY one. This has been a lesson… WELL learned. (The shit du jour: When I spoke with Brenda today she said that if she’d known I needed work, She would have talked with Mayhew. I could have been working, some, odd hours. But right now it’s too late. The income wouldn’t be enough to get a place to stay in town. “Time”… again.) -THOUGHT: Send Nancy the banque card! As the book sells, she can have the royalties! Fran can use the left-over food stamps. Contingencies! – I want to vomit… this is miserable. I can’t be certain Ivan will xome through. Schmulik hasn’t come through and my head is FULL of dead-serious doubts about the arrival in NYC. I anticipate war-like confrontation with Robin Burton Vermont. – 17.22 I’m falling asleep sitting here… again. – 17.30 Odd; I was browsing through notes on this iPod and came across the Vermont Statutes on renting: utilities, delivery of “actual notice”, etc. It’s the Police. This doesn’t stop the depression, angst and anxiety. But it’s good to know. May it stick in my mind! – 19.57 Just finished watching “Les Triplettes de Belleville” again. It passed the time. I wasn’t here for an hour. Now, tea. – On Sunday, Schmulik said “I’ll call you tomorrow or Tuesday.” Last night, Nancy said “Tomorrow night’s Hubby’s dinner with Miss Hope, I’ll have the house to myself. I’ll give you a quick call.” I checked a voice mail from the chomage atty. Good connection. – I’m not at all at ease with any of this. Very ill at ease. Very ill all over. Bad weather in the forecast, wet snow and rain on Friday. Cold. Smashed hopes. Silence. Empty house. No communications. Trepidations. It’s not good. – 21.10 Last tea. – Heat up! COLD tonight… more me than the house. – I remember: Orientation at Calvary, we were sternly told “Do not say that you will do something unless you will do it. Do not tell your patient that you’ll stop by on your day off unless you WILL be there. These people rely on you and have a trust in you. So NEVER tell anybody that you’ll do something unless you’re sure you will. If you say you’ll be there, or do something, and you don’t, you’ll destroy more than you can imagine.”

Wed.10.Apr.5: (From the library at 11.42) 8.04 I woke, this grey morning, just before 7.00, had a gulp of cold coffee, 2 drags off a smoke and went back under the covers. The 7am alarm. I stayed under the covers for a few moments. Last night, I fell asleep quietly… planning for Money… North. I have no faith, no trust in anyone any longer. The depression has, for the moment, has lifted this morning. I don’t know what happened during the night, my stomach is still very sour, my chest is still very heavy. But my head feels a touch clearer. And in and through all… I have my move-out planned for Monday morning. May the cold, wet weather of tomorrow and Friday pass and let a delightful Spring come blowing in on Monday. If not? there’s noting I can do about the weather… I can only control what I do… alone. – For now? There’s a tad bit of things to be “accomplished”. Envelopes to prepare in particular. Mail to be posted Monday morning. Then, to the library today. In particular, I’d like, very much to see what infor is available on-line about the complete withdrawal of Schmulik. I’m “interested” is how EXACTLY THE SAME as Silas he’s become: To promise (as it were), even in an e-mail, support and help, and then NO delivery and NO communication! WOW! What a wake-up for me. And to think: That is where I’m supposed to be going for “shelter” when I arrive in NYC? Nawwwww… Nancy promised AND didn’t skip a beat. I’m in her debt, be it material or ethical. Nancy! Indeed! But I’m more “fascinated” by the Silas-Schmulik duplicity. And yet HE, Schmulik, condemns Silas? For doing EXACTLY the very same thing. Well, as Mum would say: We’ll see. It will be a tremendously interesting day today. – 11.50 (library continuing…) WHY will Friday and Saturday not be like today? Because, shit4brains, that is NOT your lot in Creation. – So I checked for the info I came her to find. Nothing that settles my mind. Alas. Yet again: No communication, just silence. It’s so easy for people to simply back away and disappear. I never did understand it, don’t this morning and doubt I ever will. I see it as hearing “Just blow shit into his face. It doesn’t matter… nor does he… really.” – I looked at the book sales reports for this month, never expecting anything. Well! Imagine this! SALES! When I send the banque card to Nancy, she’ll have a bit of income on it. I’m happy and relieved and pleased to know this. May the sales shoot through the atmosphere! BE WEALTHY DEAR FRIEND NANCY! (You even make me smile this morning. Thank you dear Friend… Upper-case, there.) – Other-wise, it’s off to other things “computer” whilst we may. The sun is barely breaking through but the temperatures are quite warm when the light hits the body. I need some of that this morning. Then… back to the chair in the empty living-room. I noticed this morning, as I dozed in that “depressive dreaming” state that I was completely aware of having my eyes closed. But I was “seeing” a computer screen in the darkness behind my eye-lids. And I was “browsing” info and doing all sorts of things… on-line! Imagine? I KNEW I was in the chair, eyes closed. But I was comfortable being in that “dark space”, switching from “screen to screen”. It’s the being aware of the fact that I was sitting on the chair, in the living-room, eyes closed, listening to the radio … the being completely aware… THAT fascinates me. Is THIS how we slip out of “Reality”? Just “slip” right out of it? Perhaps, if I’m lucky, between today and, let us say, Friday, which is when “Ivan” is supposed to be arriving (and I seriously am NOT planning on that at all at this point), I’ll just sit in the chair and “depart”, one way or another. I’m actually looking forward to that… and will NOT do ANY thing to battle it. If this is how we “lose it”, I’m ready, willing and able. Off to the asylum! I heard on the radio, yesterday, one can starve one’s self. Ah… I see: 3 days with-out water, 7 days with-out food, 2 days with-out sleep… A BDM and a few … oh never mind. Just the fact that I’m putting this in here is insane! (HEY! The line between “Reality” and “Doo-Lolly” is already thinning… I’m quite happy about this. Must keep it in a mind that’s slipping. Now? Off to enjoy a stroll. Or something.

15.17 at the house… WHAT an after-noon THIS became! A talk with the librarian of almost 90 minutes that led to an invitation to the Economic Development meeting tomorrow evening, info on the owner of the old mill buildings down on the river… a visit to Mac’s turned info on teaching French in town! ALL this shit comes NOW! As I’m about to leave? Fucking “Time”… AGAIN! – Then though, I got in at the house and, with the info from the lawyer, I read the lease I have with Silas and… WOW I can make his life a pure Hell! IF I can get me out of this funk I’m in. – Next? I have to say that this feels “convenient”: Preface, I sent the digits to Nancy… and I can say she hasn’t read this Journal or… But I’d put several lines about “promises” on Twtr and posted the previous entries here this morning and SUDDENLY the calls come! Checking in. It takes SO much to ring, say “Hi”, speak, hear, click. Nah. Let’s wait until the bottom becomes translucent. Bon. OK. As I told the librarian: educational… a learning experience. OK then. – Oh, another book sale (in case I didn’t mention). – True: I could use the trip to NYC to promote the book and the cause. I can look at it that way, and work toward that success and even work with Richford and be better suited to return. – Depression? I don’t want the confrontation I’m facing here! What would I wish for? Intervention. These fools here (Robin, Gwyn, even Silas) actually know that I’m here alone. It’s 3 against 1. Yes, if they show here and say ANYTHING that I perceive to be “threatening”, I’m on the wire to the police. But I don’t want it to go there! Ah… fuck me again and again and again. – Weather report now? Minus 1 tonight, cloudy and “rain” tonight through tomorrow, 5-10cm SNOW on FRIDAY and ICE PELLETS in Toronto!!! On the day Ivan is supposed to be here, the day before I’m supposed to leave! W.T.F.!?!?!? No matter how hard I try to pull out of this depression… BANGSLAMPUNCHKICK! And right square in the face! So? I sit here, in the rocker, staring at boxes packed, and I close my eyes, listen to the CBC, and return to that state that I described this morning: the “world” in the darkness behind my closed eyes. I just came out of there moments ago. I’m going back shortly. – At 16.44 the phone. Schmulik. With the cost of Ivan’s fare! I am SO grateful! I am quite relieved. I am curious: it’s after this morning’s sincere post to Journal, posts to Twtr. I am curious. – I’ve eaten. The last 2 little steaks. I want to vomit. Normal. I’m sleepy. Normal. – 5-10cm snow Friday. They’re claiming most will melt on contact. Ivan has a hell of a drive from Rutland. (And just now: possibly more snow on Saturday. Trapped! My anxieties are out of control here! I’m about to “hit the pills”!) Or is this some kind of “message”? Stop giving up! You’re leaving too soon. There’s BETTER to come! Is tomorrow something that will make things change? I’ll know after the meeting. I’ll know more … next time I hear from Ivan. – 18.03 and I’m tired enough to go to sleep. Depression. All day I force myself to stay awake. I should have put a couple “QI”s on the iPod. – 20.00 A “nap”. An hour. Under the blankets. On the cot. Back on the rocker. Why? As if some-one will call. As if I’m expecting visitors. As if some-one knows I’m here. As if… And I wake. Brain like over- cooked oatmeal. Nothing. Just a lot and so much nothing. No purpose. A few dishes in the sink to wash. Thoughts of tomorrow… the final preparations… for leaving. Thoughts of Friday… and the anxieties of last second cancelations. Wow. And the nasty remarks about being “un-necessarily” depressed. – How odd… news coverage about a man’s depression and his daughter describes his “pain”… “physical” pain. I’ve been in this depression and have had this pain for so long now that I don’t know how long it’s been and I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have it. The dull, pressure on the brain, the steel cage round my chest, the muscle aches of arms and legs, the constant feeling of needing to vomit, the “film” on my eyes, the cement in my intestines. “Broken”… that’s how CBC just described it. “Broken”. Yes, “broken” irreparably to the point of being completely useless… even to self. Nancy and I recently discussed “manic-depressive”. I used to be that way. There’s no “manic” any longer. I joke with people because… well… because deep inside I know that they don’t want to know what’s going on in my body, as well as my mind. They feign, but they don’t want to know. And in all honesty? Nancy did say, considering what I’ve been through in the past 18 months… and right now, as through the Winter, I think: This house was supposed to have 2 of us in it. One just up and went to work one day, several months ago, and disappeared. I sat here, day after day, expecting the house-hold to be as it was supposed to be and, late at night I realised it wasn’t going to be that way. Day after day. Months. Sitting in a house, 10C, day after day, night after night, listening to the furnace running to maintain that temperature, 1500$ to make sure the tank didn’t empty. Again and again. Covering that cost alone, in the cold, alone and not knowing why… alone. Being accused of “shirking” my responsibilities. Walking everywhere for everything… alone. And it wasn’t supposed to be alone. But it was. Yet, loving this town and being liked by this town. Alone. Then, just 4 days ago, to have 2 strangers come in here, this house that was “home” and in one heartless SWOOSH, while I was here, wipe it clear and then trot out the door? And in the wake, I close another 2 rooms, move my sleeping space to what is supposed to be a “dining” room. And sit here, with one table lampe, a small table radio, 3 chairs… and boxes… luggage… 2 sets of clothes… my “food” in a cardboard box: 12x12x6 inches… on the counter-top… in an empty kitchen. In a house so empty that even my pulse echoes. At night it’s dark… very dark. I’m dependant upon a stranger to get me out of here. “Friends”? No. And when I leave here, there’s no place of any security to go to. Just a lot of “unknown”, instability, insecurity… and the death-like dread of… the… Shelter… again. The Shelter. -And here, now, silence. – How can you expect anyone to offer aid if you don’t let them know you’re in need? It makes little difference when they DO know. A voice. Only a voice. The voice is in my head. The voice is in the little radio. The voice becomes something more in the visions on the back of my eye-lids as I sit, in this rocker, eyes closed, allowing myself to slip into that existence… behind closed eyes. Aware that it’s almost halucinagenic, but comforted and consoled there, no desire to leave it, wanting to stay there and never come out. And yet, others say “No. You’re a survivor.” and that gives them comfort. Their belief that I am a “survivor” gives them comfort and the entitlement to ignore… just as the belief of Christians entitles them to hate non-Christians… call your “Christ”, your “Jesus”, your “Buddha” what you will, it/they are all the same… a personal “Excuse my little etc. from etc.” “Say 3 Hail Marys and 2 Hello Dollys… God forgives you my child.” And they are forgiven… and I free-fall deeper into Hell… looking only for… a voice… But a non-judgemental, non-condemning voice. Ah… perhaps the silence IS the “gift”. – Once these boxes are in storage, when all is together, I can be back on the road. I can come back to the North Country, then cross to the “Southern” region… in the good weather. Now, today, tonight, I know where, how to get there. Familiar. I can… Even on Sunday. Merely days from now. Or? I can still simply walk out this door, tonight, tomorrow, now, in 10 minutes, in 1 hour. And, with-in the law, I can sit right here until the 30th day of this month and pick any of the next 19 days… any. Or… I can stop it all tonight… right here. Choices. – 21.00 I’ve been tapping on this iPod for an hour, saying nothing. The radio keeps talking. The “voice”.

Thu.11.Apr: 7.51 Heavy. Head. Eyes. Chest. Woke to brilliant sun-shine. Weather forecast: Minus 1. Snow tonight. Tomorrow, early: wet snow, “ice pellets”, 5-10cm. There’s something so very wrong about this. I keep thinking that I need the forecast for NYC but the fact remains, Ivan will have to return in the Northern weather. Something is terribly wrong here. – Legally, I have to month’s end. I have the police on my side here. But I want this done with. – Meanwhile, as I tried for sleep last night (and it was a difficult night for even rest), I focused on promoting the book, perhaps working in a second. Make money. And come the Autumn, return to the North. Anything to take away the fucking PAIN! – This morning, meanwhile… My guts are churning, intestines are knotting. – I have to cut my hair today. I’m sick over all of this. Painfully sick. – Town meeting this evening at 17.00. –

15.19 There are reasons why we do what we do when we do them? Sorting through the SEVEN garbage bags that Robin Burton Vermont left for ME to dispose of, for the lighter of them, one was quite light so I opened it to put in my one grocery bag for tomorrow’s pick-up… In it… THE KANJI WORK THAT I’D DONE AND FRAMED FOR SILAS!!!!! (GOD) I’d done it for HIM! NOT for that scum! And she threw it into a garbage… GARBAGE bag! Luckily, dry garbage and some of Silas’ clothing. So WELL! Indeed! If Silas wanted to throw it away, that’s entirely up to HIM. OK… No… I’ve no particular love loss over this “separation”. Not even “acquaintances” at this juncture. And I seriously doubt there’s any regret/remourse on his side. His “mommies” have, no doubt, poisoned him against me. No prob there. But to throw MY art-work in the GARBAGE… whilst I was in the house? Yup… FIN! And from here on? Let the rest be this way. They come? I call the police. My turn. – Meanwhile, a WONDERFUL phone chat with Nancy today! Maybe she does, but I doubt ANYbody could know how MUCH difference, how “bright” the sound of her voice made this day! How great to talk with someone who doesn’t hate me, someone who trusts me. But I told her of my trepidations about going to Brooklyn, and she wasn’t “assuring”. Even said I could consider going to NYC, seeing what sort of “welcome” I receive and, if necessary, come right back with Ivan, settle back here until the 27th and see what comes. Now I wonder… – 15.37 weather report has now changed to FIFTEEN cm snow/ice tomorrow! WHY?!?!? This is all too simply… WRONG! – But, as Nancy and I discussed: “Anticipatory Anxiety”. I’m making myself miserable and very sick over something that may or may not happen, and something I have absolutely NO control of… Weather. So I NEED to let go of this and do all that I can… wait. “Time”… I now truly HATE the concept, the notion, the term, the word. And as I tap this on the iPod? Blue skies and sun-shine! INCROYABLE! – Quick note: I’ve been trying to decide between mail forward to Brooklyn or getting a PO box here for the immediate future. More… MORE to press against my already badly bruised brain! – 16.33 My stomach is REALLY out of sorts about tonight’s meeting. I had a 20 minute “lie-down” just now, and as I lay on the cot, a thought: Connections between here and people I DON’T want connections with in other parts of the State. My name is, unfortunately, “unique”, particularly in the State. I’m in the last hours here. Yes, there are many positives that could come out of this meeting… but I’ve lived here quietly all this time. One wrong connection could throw EVERYTHING completely WRONG! And with my GUTS SO BAD right now… and how I’ve been saying so often that I need to pay attention to my gut feelings… No. I’m not going to this meeting. Tonight’s “negativity” inside my every part is just TOO strong. The possible connections, and I’ve been uncomfortable about leaving the house… leaving anything in here… and oddly enough, more because of the Burtons. Yes, it’s Wednesday. Yes, there’s bad weather coming, but there’s sun-shine right now and Robin Burton Vermont has proven to be just spiteful enough to fly up here on a broom, simply to be miserable. I’m going to pass this meeting tonight. What I’ll do instead, I’ve no idea. Sit here listening to Ms. Hilary thumping and tromping across the floor up-stairs, keep up with the CBC, something, nothing, wait for Ivan to call with a cancellation of tomorrow… But not the meeting. Sadly. I’m just TOO not comfortable with it and the thought of reasons not to go came quickly, strong. – Funny: Oprah is in Montréal tonight. I thought: wouldn’t it be nice if someone shot her a twitter or text or e-mail to tell her of my little plight here… Ms. Oprah who does SO much for those in dire need… even if she could arrange for my little transport and nothing more. Funny: I’d do it for somebody… else. – Well, the sun is shining but the temperature is low. Another night of fighting this anxiety lurks just at the horizon. Dread. – 16.55 A sudden thought: Ms. Hilary had access to the WiFi here! Robin Burton Vermont pulled the WiFi from Ms. Hilary too! Well, well. – 21.42 A call from Ivan: He will be coming tomorrow. Locals here say we’re expecting only 3 inches of wet snow and the rain… not the 25cm further North. I’m relieved… I’m not at all happy. I rang Schmulik. My entire Being is dread. Pure Dread. No “good” will be coming of this. None. I’ve never been so sure of anything as I am of this. No “good” will come of this. – Earlier, I went to the banque to get the 200 for Ivan so that I know I have it. It was a delightfully cool evening. I dread the heat of NYC. I stopped at Mac’s. Ice cream seems to be the only thing I can get down with-out wanting to vomit. A woman from Cowansville was behind me at the cashe. We talked about the weather. I gave Doreen the postal code for Abercorn for better weather reports. The woman from Cowansville and I chatted a little politics. She’s a Federalist… Anglophone. We laughed a bit. I will be heart-sick… leaving here. I already am. HOME so close… I’m leaving. If prayers from the core, the centre of the soul make any difference, there will be Hell to come. I pray for that. HOME… so close… back to NYC… abandonment and hate… here… and, I feel… there. And “there”, in NYC, there is no “Welcome”. I know I’m going where I’m not really wanted. I’m an inconvenience. How stupid to offer. I’ll be back out, alone, on the high-way, alone, again, very soon. Today, knowingly, I’ve put my “kit” together. Coming back North won’t be simply to the frontière. Things will be “together”. There’s art, writings, perhaps valuable now… perhaps valuable then. I won’t care. Indeed, when I go HOME the weather will be nice. Comfortable. And I’ll have worked… and walked for the Peace. – 3 days with-out water… And I already know where, and how to get there. Soon. Peace. Knowing that all of the art and writings will be in one place, knowing that ONE person will have it gives me Peace of Mind. Not strangers, like my “sister” threw my life away. – Tonight, when I lay down here, I’ll have more Peace. The “visit” in NYC won’t be long… Soon, I’ll be HOME. No sense being where I’m not welcome. – How cruel… to offer, with bile. – Ms. Hilary has a “lay” tonight. He arrived earlier. Much stomping up-stairs tonight. TV or stereo. 22.12. A last night here, noise. Ah… – Time to try for some sleep. I’ll “prep” an e-mail to Nancy. Hopefully I’ll get to the library in the morning and send it. Ivan said he’ll be leaving in the afternoon. – It comes to an end. Me too.

Fri.12.Apr: 11.06 BAD night, last night! I had to move the cot and “sleep” in the living-room because of the stomping up-stairs. – 12.42 At the library… in the rain. Thankfully it’s not the 25cm ice/snow that was threatened! But here I am… numb. This isn’t “real” now. The house is all in order. I even mopped the floors up-stairs this morning. Last night was horrible! At 23.34 I had to move the cot from the dining-room to the living-room… Ms. Hilary was a-stompin’! I must have dozed at about mid-night, thinking of returning here… probably by Monday, to just come here, cross the frontiére a s usual and just head to any place I damned-well want to. Then end. Fuck it all. Really. I’m just so damned tired of this shit! – Got in a quick wash of clothes and me this morning. Then dashed to the banque to be sure I have what I need. Change of address at the PO and here. This is truly killing me and nobody knows… nobody seems to really care. And the worst of it all is… I don’t feel anything “good” coming from this move. Nothing. Oh well… I need to get out of here… to sit and wait… wait… wait… Ivan will be coming up from Rutland. I hope his drive is good. Somebody said “What if he shows up with a gun?” KILL ME! THANK YOU! “What if you get on the road, he takes your money and things and leaves you?” SO WHAT? I head NORTH! Seriously? He’d be doing me a MAJOR favour by doing me in… I’d be forever THANKFUL! – 13.05 3 copies of the book sold this month!!!! –

Orig BDM *****
Journal 12.Apr –

*** NYC 12 APRIL 2013 ***

Fri.12.Apr: 13.57 and all errands are done… as the streets and roads go completely white… with ICE! Not snow… oh no. ICE! We didn’t have this all through the Winter! Well, I don’t know if Ivan will make it here, and if the Burtons and cie. try… I won’t put my wishes into words for fear of back-lash. – 14.53 Now? SNOW! Not “flocons”; SNOW!!! Covering at least 3cm ice! This is… I don’t know! Cars seem to be passing on the street OK. But SHIT d’MARDE! I know I don’t WANT to leave here. But THIS is going beyond “silly”! It could be delightful… I should allow it to be. There’s fuck-all I can do about it. But the inevitable lurks and the sooner I face the shit-to-come the sooner I can get on with getting out of this “existence”. I’m REALLY SUPER tired! Of EVERYTHING! And here I sit… ready to “drift away”. If Ivan can’t make the trip up today… I still have all the meds and the BDM… I’m just tired… but I’m still in the house! – 16.58 And the Montréal temperature is zero. Here, it feels like 2, warmish. The snow has stopped falling. Today’s “event”, as the météo calls it, has turned to “slutch”, the Town salted so Church St. is clearing. Me? I shoveled the front steps and salted. The North Country! – Coffee press, coffee cup… packed. Coffee? Packed. Not sealed, but packed. And here I sit, CBC on the radio… in English. There was a 1-hour program in French earlier. I’m heading into… Spanish. My gut wrenches, my stomach sours. It’s been a delightful 18 months… French. Life simply cannot be good for long. And on the CBC, an article about moose… Newfoundland. My heart breaks. Money. Income. Salary. NYC. MUST bring back the “me” who got the job, got out of the Shelter. But my fear is that I have someTHING and someBODY waiting to make it close to impossible there. As if leaving here isn’t difficult enough… Once again, I don’t understand. – I want to snooze, but I want to be “here” when Ivan arrives. And since I haven’t heard to the contrary, I’m expecting him… at some time (I HATE that word: time.) – Weather? “Weather Warning” in Mobtréal. “Snow Warning” in the Townships. More “ice pellets” tonight, 0 degrees over-night… but EIGHT degrees tomorrow! It’s as if Creation is fucking with me! And, of course, I’m trying to figure out what I can do with this time to make this “re-location” un-necessary. It’s just so much bull-shit! – But as the hours pass, getting away from the Burtons of Vermont makes this better and easier. At long last, the “hurt” is changing to “anger” and the “anger” makes leaving a “delight”. I DO want AWAY from EVERYTHING even remotely associated with ALL of them. I’m thankful though: I was alone here, in Richford, all Winter, and I am liked here. This town became my “home” here, in Vermont. Had PsycoBoy been here, surely that would not have happened. When I left the library today, the librarian said “Have a nice Summer.” Not “Good-bye”. I’m going away for the Summer. Assuring. (Fuck me, I’ll probably be back by Tuesday, considering the “non-welcome” I expect in Brooklyn.) – Oh… and NOW I start to fixate on having enough space in storage! Oh how it never stops. I NEED to just “flow”. No matter how much or how little I ponder, it will all be as it is and as it will be. Through my “life”, I’ve simply dealt with the shit as it happens. And here I am. I will deal with what comes as it happens. And then? Fuck it. (I should stop saying that, but I can’t… I actually can’t care any longer.) – THOSE WHO ARE HEARTLESS ONCE CARED TOO MUCH – (A message, saved from Tumblr, several months ago.) – Nancy rang earlier. A VOICE! Oh how wonderful! (Gee… I wonder… Is Schmulik not calling in the hope I’ll call him to say “All’s fine. I’m not coming.”?) Fuck. -(continuing on Tue.16.Apr.UnionSq.) Something in my core assured me: get a PO box here. Keep a VT address. So… 594 05476 it is. I wish I could reside in it, even for a little while every day. Silly me. But, I still have it. And if any time is spent in NY, I can temporarily forward mail. BFD. – It drizzled, frozen rain, as I left the PO. Frozen rain. So beautiful. I wanted SO much to vomit. Crossing the Missisquoi, I wanted to jump. It’s not deep enough. – And so the day went from there. – Ivan actually showed! About 18.00. It was a relief to see him. Now I could be out a day before expected! Ivan’s quite, well, strange but interesting in a way. We talked, he suggested packing the car today and so I did. And as I did, Ivan strolled to explore Richford… in the remaining frozen drizzle. Vermont: drizzle stops nothing. It got a bit dark, I went walking to find him. My last walk in town. As Fate does, we both arrived at the house, from opposite directions. He wanted WiFi. We drove into Enosburgh McD’s. He ate. I had nuggets, milk-shake. My body wants NO FOOD! My core longs to die. – We returned late to the house. Ivan set up his bed in the dining-room. I opened my sleeping bag in the living-room. We finally got to sleep at almost mid-night!

Sat.13.Apr: 23.16 I am lying on Shmulik’s sofa, in the dark, in the heat, listening to retards honking car horns, traffic passing. I am SO thankful to him. My presence here is an inconvenience. He is being gracious, delightful. I am grateful. I will not survive this. I am no longer “NYC”. Had everything gone well at storage today, tonight, I would be on the road… North. I will not survive this … not even for a week. – Natasha has come to sleep beside me. Lili was at my side this evening. They are my “gifts of Joy”. – I will not survive “this return”. I don’t belong here. – It has been a charming, but terribly long day. – (Tue.16. continuing the entry for Saturday morning 15.00 SIBL! I WISH SOMEBODY IN THIS CITY WOULD HAVE THE HUMAN COMPASSION TO SHOOT ME OR RUN ME DOWN INTO THE PAVEMENT!!!!) At about 2.00, I HAD to move up-stairs to get some sleep. Ivan coughed and hacked into the night… loudly! I was wiped-out! It was AWFUL being in that… “my” room.. for the last time. But I drifted to sleep until about 6.00 Ivan woke shortly after. I took a quick shower, finished packing the car, a final floor-sweeping… I stepped out of the kitchen to the porch, closed the door behind me, turned the key in the lock… And my heart just died. But I felt I’ll be returning… soon. – Stopped at Mayhew’s for coffee. Jill told me “See you in the fall.” I wanted to cry, to vomit… I did neither. We got back in the car… Ivan wanted to go to McD’s and so we did. Enosburgh again. But we got gas as well. 57$… I PAID! Ivan’s “flat fee” was “time” not expenses! We cleared it that I was broke. Y’know? He didn’t argue and we were back on the road. Ivan wanted to drive through Newport. Fine with me… more time in The North. – Ice. Frost. The mountain was MAGNIFICENT! We paused to take photos! And… we crossed the “Northeast Kingdom” to the 91 and headed… south. It was good Ivan was there… I HAD to keep my misery inside me as I watched the hills, trees, snow, ice all pass by. Listened to my insides rot. I was not at all comfortable… this move was a dreadful mistake. And the hills passed… my North Country… – VT… MA… CT… it became “familiar”. It was a LONG drive! Ivan needed to stop en route. No grudge. Bless him. He was s Champ! BUT we arrived in Queens at almost 18.00! Storage closed at 20.00! The “pressure”! Good news: No “over-lock”! But… along with having no time to pack storage? RAN OUT OF ROOM!!!!! BUT… Ivan offered to take things with to VT to hold until I got back! WOW! I just want to get everything in ONE place, together so when the time comes, EVERYTHING will be disposed of ONCE and DONE! So we put some things back into the car. I rang SW to mention the extra items I was bringing. He was curt. I mentioned it to Ivan… he offered to take me back to VT!!!!! (I SHOULD have accepted!) – Well… we got Ivan’s wish in though… WHITE CASTLE on Rock. Blvd! I even had 2 little burgers and a soda! Not enough, really, but I didn’t expect any of it to stay down anyway (they did! Amazingly). Ivan got a 30-burger box to take back with him and soon, we were off, driving through the streets of Queens and off to Brooklyn where I wasn’t expecting fan-fare but I certainly wasn’t expecting… At SW’s… the greeting was not so happy and certainly did nothing to make me feel “Welcome
“ by any means. I was exhausted, hungry and dehydrated. When I buzzed the flat, he answered with “OK Come up.” I had baggage in the lobby that he said he’d put into the storage in the basement! Come up? OK. Fine… when I told him I had a few things for storage, he agreed to come down… and he did… Instead of a welcoming smile… sneer, grimace, and then a little smile. I brought my things in from the car, we put them into the storage cage in the basement. I told S. I had to get Ivan to where he could find his way out of Bklyn and the reply was “I don’t care.” He didn’t care that Ivan wouldn’t find his way out and by now it was already dark! So… I brought my clothes luggage up to the flat where Chris actually was very pleasant and welcoming. I asked for directions out of the neighbourhood for Ivan and Chris was very kind. I went down-stairs, got into Ivan’s car and got him over to the Manhattan Bridge from whence he could have gotten away! (AWAY! I wish I’d have gone then!) And then, I started to walk back… Oddly enough, I actually found my way to the subway and with no thought at all, went down-stairs to the station, got a MetroCard, got on the A to Hoyt to the G and right back to the flat! (Spoke with Nancy en route too… A NICE, KIND, FRIENDLY, FAMILIAR VOICE! She eased the tension and lightened the darkness… more than she’ll ever know!) – Back at the flat, it was “cold”… not temperature… mood! I couldn’t help but know already… I was NOT welcome there by ANY stretch of ANY imagination! But I sat, quietly, politely, asked for NOTHING and got it, until it was time to sleep. A sheet and 2 pillows came out, S. put the sheet on the sofa, put out the lights and left me alone to figure the rest… in relative darkness.
WELCOME BACK! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!

Sat.13.Apr: LEFT RICHFORD approx. 7.00 Coffee & bye @ Mayhew's "See you in the Fall. Hve a good Summer." (Jill) Miserable welcome @ Bklyn Fagz! Ivan to Manhattan Br. Took tain back. White Castle Ozone Park with Ivan!

Sun.14.Apr: 23.06 These are not the “bright days of friendship” and, as I said last night, the last time I ever listen to the vouces of others. Tomorrow I’d have been done with all of this shit. Instead, it just goes on. Knowing that your presence is a source of ill feelings, even in view of an extended hand is nothing but misery. And again, today, I found myself in Tilden, first, to see for myself, the ravages of Sandy, close second… to stay out, away… again… AGAIN! Tired, hungry, thirsty, needing a toilet… I stayed away… again. How delightful. How utterly fucked up. – The morning began some-what fine, with coffee offered, kind conversation which went immediately to the lap-top being passed to me with instructions to reserve a NEW storage space, 2 blocks from here! I did so, to keep peace. I swallowed my guts. When that was done I returned the lap-top and soon it was passed to me a second time: Rooms for rent, Craigslist. So I could make no mistake: UN-wanted. “3 or 4 days”. Tuesday. Again, I swallowed my guts, browsed the listings in silence. Schmulik began his work on his latest project. I looked forward to 10am… MY storage would be open, I could re-org in solitude, with-out pressure. “Did you call the storage?” (The local.) No. “Call them.” It’s on my way to mine, I’ll stop by. “Will you be bringing anything with you today?” There’s no room right now, I have to re-pack my storage. “You need storage closer to here.” I’ll check for larger where I am; why change now when I’ve paid this month AND it could take DAYS to move from 1 storage to another. “I will arrange car service.” I am HATED here. I left round 10.30, took the train directly to storage where, I’m told, the next size unit will be available on the week-end for a mere 40$ more than what I have now! Not $100 more (as would make Schmulik happier and I cannot afford). – Worked at un- and re-packing the unit all day and… SPACE! I HAVE SPACE IN THE STORAGE LOCKER! (Oh may it be enough!) – Just as I was finishing, a voice mail… I’d had the phone off whilst I “stored”… IVAN! I rang him back and we chatted a bit as if we’d been long-friends. Truly? I wanted to cry… sob… a VERMONT voice! He was so kind and reiterated his offer for space in his house. He doesn’t know how long he’ll be in the house (it’s his Mum’s and she’s in a Nursing Centre for a while). But he said there’s plenty of room waiting for me when I get back. Imagine THAT? (NOW! Do I TRUST him? O HELL SHIT NO! Cruel as it may sound, I trust NOBODY any more… I just sit and wait for the hammer to the back of my head from all sides. But it’s nice to “hear” somebody say “You’re welcome here.” Just the words are nice to hear. Makes no difference in “Reality”… but…) – When I finished the storage issue, I left… rang Nancy to tell her what it’s been like. It was OH OH OH SO WONDERFUL to hear her voice!!! I’m feeling VERY DARK, EMPTY, ALONG, HATED… TRULY HATED! I’ve come here to Die… but NYC won’t get me. I’m going HOME now because I know how and I have the desire! – Tonight, I NEED A SHOWER! I’ve been sleeping in the same clothes I put on on Friday morning! But I don’t know that I dare to use the shower in the flat…. It’s not “mine” and well… I just don’t know. – I was, however, included in dinner tonight. PORK!!!! FRIED IN BUTTER….. NOT KOSHER… AND PORK GIVES ME THE RUNS (and it did too… too bad I couldn’t get rid of them. I’ve stopped peeing and shitting since I’ve gotten here. HEY! Maybe the system is shutting down… May it keep running until I get HOME… then?… And HOME I will be! SOON SOON SOON!)

Sun.14.Apr: Entire day organising Storage! Managed to re-pack & get only a bit more space but not enough!

Mon.15.Apr: 7.26 Morning thought… Somewhere in storage is the Original BDM! Infusing almost 2 years now! I have TWO of them! YAY! And, with the offer of “housing” for “3 or 4 days”, that gives me until Wednesday morning. So, when I woke at 6.00 this morning, thoughts were immediate: Wednesday morning I can go to storage, get the one in storage, put it in my back-pack and head to the NYC border by subway, get on the Interstate and, sign for “The North Country”, off to my border! – For now, I’m exhausted. Sleep would be most welcome. – 20.05 Worked 8.30-17.00 Cut fabric, modified the company web-site content, participated in a little bit of everything. On my feet, non-stop, all day. Was thanked by Martin for my help. It was quite nice, indeed. After work, talking with Schmulik was, as always, fascinating. We strolled whilst he shopped for what was a SUPERB dinner of salmon and wild rice. – But a particular point was made at work: there’s a young girl whose parents lived in Rockaway and she was the one Schmulik mentioned might have a connection for housing for me. I spoke with Gabbie… her parents aren’t back in the house yet. However, Schmulik made a point, a loud point, of reminding her to ask her parents about renting to me. – On the train back to the flat this evening, the comment began: “Chris is not comfortable with this… for many reasons…” My being here. Chris came in before the “reasons” could be discussed. How lovely: invite me in… resentfully. I’m where I’m not wanted and certainly not welcome. Not for long. I need to get my few other items from the basement storage here. When my belongings are out of this building and in storage… Tomorrow I have the “day off”. One trip to storage with the heaviest bit. If either of them would cooperate with me, I could remove ALL and have done with it. – Tomorrow, I’m going to find the Original BDM and carry it with me, with the VT BDM. If I get the building access during the week, ALL could be done in a day. If no help comes via access to the basement here, it will be a few more days. Once done, I’ll leave silently… North. I’m NOT going back to the Shelter! Two martinis and a stock of “snax” with. I’m not wanted in this flat and I will NOT stay where I’m not wanted… an inconvenience, a burden. Better to go. – (Tue.16 15.28 SIBL I was SO damned tired last night I kept falling asleep trying to tap this entry on the iPod!)

55  Mon.15.Apr:  55
“My heart has joined a thousand… for my friend stopped running today”
Richard Adams – Watership Down

“You know how you let yourself think that everything will be all right if you can only get to a certain place or do a certain thing. But when you get there you find it’s not that simple…”
— Watership Down – Richard Adams

Kanji: Eternal
Indeed, as we cease to exist, we become “Eternal”

Mon.15.Apr: STUDIO: 9.00 (,50 lunch) 18.00 - 8,5hrs

Tue.16.Apr: 12.27 Union Square Exhausted. Homeless. Imagine that. NYC. Homeless… Again. – Well, I got the large luggage into storage this morning. An accomplishment. ***** Found the Original BDM! So now I’m carrying TWO! TWO “Tickets Out”. It’s a relief. Couldn’t find the tens though. I wonder where that’s “packed”. And, space in the storage is back to almost nothing again, and there’s more to be put in. This morning, Schmulik was kind: told me not to over- load myself on this trip to storage. Good that I didn’t. It was actually painful with what I had. This subway system, this City is un-kind with stairs and turnstiles. But I made it. – Rang and spoke with Moe and Ev this morning. They were both ever so warm. How good to hear their voices… friendly voices. Moe is off to a Dr. appointment today but Ev said they’ll be in tomorrow and if I can, please stop by to see them! Ah… if only for a space to “be”. I don’t truly want that though. My “be”ing is completely geared for: in a day or 2, I’ll be back on the road… North. HOME. This is truly the “End” of this shit. It’s been a conscious effort to not simply drop off the platform in front of a train. I can’t do that to a motor-man… SPLAT CRUNCH! Can’t do that to some-one else. – Well now… So many people here, in the park, in the sun. Too much noise. I listen to Harmonium on the iPod. – Homeless – Why was the statement made “When you come back, we will be here to welcome you.” Indeed… “we” were… to “welcome”… period. Why the offer to stay when it wasn’t sincere? Why open your door then say it’s uncomfortable? Come in… so “we” can push you out. Not to worry… I’m leaving. I never learned how to stay where I’m not welcome. – 13.39 Still catching up here in Union Square. Trying not to fall asleep. a woman sits beside to my left, eating take-away sushi. Burton! 1500km away… in MY North Country! I’m hateful. I don’t give a fuck! Not any more. – And so… caught-up as much as possible and 22 minutes left on the computer. – SO TIRED! SO TIRED! SO TIRED! And look at this! SIBL! And no place else to go to. It’s exactly like the days in the Shelter! I couldn’t’ get back into the building until 16.30 and that’s an hour from now. And S. rang me earlier to tell me that Gabbie says she has a “large living-room” and I can stay there “for a few days”. Isn’t that kind? Now I’m being tossed about The city! And… S. is working until 18.00 so I have NO-WERE TO GO TO AND ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO BE ROAMING AIMLESSLY… NOTHING HAS CHANGED! I’VE COME BACK… RIGHT BACK… TO THE HOMELESS DAYS! THANK YOU SO MUCH EDUARDO! – TRUTH: it’s not going to change… not even become “different”. I KNOW what I have to do to stop this… and that’s what’s going to be done now. Get my things into storage and OUT OUT OUT! Of it ALL! (I’m still rather taken by the apathy…. Especially since S. read the book. But you know? In the long-run, at the core, it’s very easy to be apathetic from the comfort of one’s chair, in front of the TV, relaxing. (And to think: Yesterday he told me he’s “loyal to those people he cares about”. Put me in MY place! Although, when I told him I wanted my things out of his building to keep “peace”… he said that I shouldn’t even think about that because no matter, there will be no peace. OK. Not until me and all traces of me are GONE GONE GONE. Well. OK then. It will be… with no trouble of a returm. – I’m starting to doze here. Not good. Tme to get up and go!!!! ROAM AIMLESSLY! BUT TODAY? TWO TWO TWO BDM’s! MORE MORE MORE meds!!! And the one BDM has been “infusing” for almost TWO TWO YEARS! AND… FULL ACCESS TO THE OPEN ATLANTIC IF I CHOOSE! Gladly, when I’m gone, it won’t make a damned bit of difference. I like that.- 23.50 Just getting to lights out and I am wiped out! But today went along: No “work” so I went to storage and took some time to search through some things. Why? It’s been obvious that I’m an inconvenience. – Lunch for me today:
Jack’s vanila coke and pain au chocolate, x2 – Met E. at studio 17.30 We Satyrd e2″wth ” w (i’m falling asleep here… so tired when the day finally comes to a close… more anxiety all through the day, being resented.) – So, to continue… wrapped the chair I cut the slip-covers for. E. told Gab that I need another place to stay, but she was kind enough not to mention it. How nice… now I’m quite “Homeless” again. – En route back to E’s, the story goes: Chris doesn’t like having people in the house… There was E’s friend who came for a week, then a mutual “friend” and thrn Chris’ sister. All got along well but Chris didn’t like it at all. So, they offer, invite, resent. (And *I* have problems?) Ah… but E. told C. that I’ve run into “hard times” and need more time (“maybe 5 days”), then tells me to “stop worrying”, it’s “fine”… “for tonight”. I’m uncomfortable… right to my marrow. – THEN… this evening? HOSTELS! E. hands me his lap-top. 70$ per NIGHT!!!!! UN-bloody-fucking- fuckall-fuckME real! THE important issue here is getting me out. I think about that all day and night now. I told E. that I want MY things out of the basement. He says they don’t bother him. I say that I want them in storage, together… Selfish. Fuck me. I told him tonight that I want MY things OUT so that I csn go HOME. “So go! Nobody’s stopping you.” I WANT MY belongings. “That’s not important right now.” (I see me having to get the police involved.) – And so… Fran rang tonight, but I didn’t take her call… not in the house! I do miss her and apparently she misses me.) – Silas rang twice. I’m surely not taking his calls! And an e-mail: He turned his keys to Don on Sunday, wants me to post my copies to Don and wants to know what to do about the car. Me? I’m not respinding/replying. But here, I refer to an earlier e-mail ftom him to me in which he said to me: “do what you have to do to survive” and “I’m walking away from this”. My turn… walked away…

Tue.16.Apr: NO WORK TODAY So I spent the day re-re-packing storage. I NEED a larger unit! As soon as I get it & pack it I'm FREE to back North!

Wed.17.Apr: 20.24 Ah yes… tossed. Well, it’s about to become my most interesting facet of what others might refer to as “life”. I’d wanted to get the few items from the basement to storage, but since I’m getting no cooperation or help, and I don’t have the key so… fuck it all. What I get, I get. What gets left? It’ll hold my “gratitude” for being tossed. Thank you. I’m just and only some shit. Live well, the rest of you. Invite me in, then throw me out before I even arrive. I can’t say it comes as a shock. – This morning, it was a later start, plenty of time for me to make a trip to storage. But nope. Off to work. (Like I have nothing to do… and, at this point, like I need a bloody cheque that I won’t be here to collect.) The day went quite along… plenty of work, kept busy. SPOKE WITH FRAN!!! YAY! (I’ll stop by when I get back… this week-end it seems). Silas is trying to contact me… phone. I’ve “walked away from it”. His bull-shit now has lost me 500$ and VT Unemployment now wants 1900$ from me. I’m over it… gone… done. – 23.03 Just a stupid note: I burned the skin off 2 fingers today… hot glue. No whining. Covered it with paper towel and celo-tape. What an ass I am. All day, no talk of leaving. Then, when the work day was over… tah dah: “I talked with G. She’s going to ask her room-mate if it’s OK for you to stay there for a couple of days.” Ah… thank you. Yes. G was with us at work… 9am-8pm. Right-oh. Tah. Taxi to Brooklyn and no more talk on the matter. Oh… pay-day is NEXT week! I’ve been a volunteer thus far. – Dinner tonight. Offered a “drink”: cold coffee or water. – I’m tired. I know this is being viewed as just another episode-boo-hoo. I’m glad. Imagine being told “we will be here to welcome you back”, traveling over 700 miles to be tossed like weekly garbage. But I’m psychotic. *I* have issues. *I* am “chronicaly depressed”. Yes, *I* need to seek “help”. Oh… I’ve got “help” already. Thank you… SO much. – Sleeping in the same clothes I put on 5 days ago. Homeless? No. I have a “Home”… NOT here!!!

Wed.17.Apr: STUDIO: 9.00 (,50 lunch) 19.30 - 10hrs TOTAL

Thu.18.Apr: 6.09 PAIN! Bladder. Not peeing, not shitting. And being thrown about town. Yup. Gotta get THE fuck out of here! Fuck-ass broke… pay-day NEXT week. Yup. – 7.16 STILL sitting here in the flat! Fuckall! – 11.10 Ozone Lib: This morning again, I know… Homelessness. A complete return to the days I’d left behind almost 2 years agao. The very same… unwanted, turned to the streets. And the streets are the same… little has changed. And again this morning, no space left in the storage! And again, only 1 pay-cheque away. Ah… if only there was time. But there isn’t. Time is not mine. And time is not in my favour. – I am SO tired again this morning. There is much to accomplish, but all I truly want to do is sleep. I am tired… and… not oddly… I am ALONE! Alone in so many more ways that words can express. This is nothing new, and so, it will be of great help when I leave and head back to the North Country. – E. has made a “date” for after work this evening with some-one from work. I will not, of course, be invited. I don’t care. I don’t care about much at all any more. This return was SUCH an error! Oh well… on with the “business of the day”. – 21.11 Bed Stuy chez Gabbie… I am so tired right now, but I have to say that I’m actually quite relieved to be where I am. First… the day. I got to the studio at about noon, got immediately to work as it should be, and for the most part, was just part of the routine. E. actually brought me lunch… well, “us”, Chinese buffet stuff… pork, of course. He knows I don’t eat pork, mostly because it upsets my stomach, but, I’m not going to get into that any more. It’s just not worth the effort. So I had a bit of the chicken, a dumpling and a spoon of rice. I don’t want to be any more in anybody’s debt. And it was back to work. I took it upon myself to got to Gabbie to ask if she knew of what was going on since E. just kept telling me that it was “OK” with Gabbie and her “room-mates” that I stay on the sofa in the living-room for “a couple of days”. I mean, he KNOWS what my finances are these days. I wonder WTF he thinks I’m going to get housing on since I won’t get paid for this week until next Friday. Well. Gabbie just looked at me and smiled and said “I’ll fill you in on all I know when we get a minute of peace. I promise.” WELL!!!! FTW… E. comes over to me at about 15.00 and says “It’s OK with Gabbie’s room-mates that you stay there for a couple of days.” I said “OK. Fine. When?” “Tonight.” SINCERELY I ASK WHAT THE FUCK? TONIGHT? NO WARNING? NO TIME TO GATHER ME OR ANYTHING? JUST GO? OK THEN! I kept quiet about it and calmly said “It would have been nice to have a bit of notice.” Says he “I just found out a little while ago.” WHAT? So you couldn’t tell me and let me get me together and do this tomorrow evening? It HAD to be done NOW? Oh well… Fuck me. It’s OK. That’s what I’m here for. So, feeling like a total shit, I went over to thank Gabbie. “Don’t worry. It’s going to be fun.” she said. But THEN came the SHOCK! She hands me her house keys and says “You’ll need to get these copied.” KEYS!!! TRUST! SHIT! So, without asking permission (since E. is now my “boss”, as it were, I simply left to get the keys. When I stepped out of the building, a voice mail… the attorney from Vermont! I still have an unemployment case! She wants to appeal it! OK! I’ll try! Then I rang Fran to tell her… I’ll be coming back soon. SHE’S THRILLED! And damn it… so am I. Of course, I’m now looking forward to going back for 2 reasons: Just to get out of here and go back to Vermont and, of course, to be closer to HOME. But no matter. As soon as I get enough to call it a “base”, I am SO SO SO OUT OF HERE! And there will be NO coming back! – Back at the office, I went right back to work at another end of the studio. I can’t hide my disgust any longer and I don’t want it to become too obvious. – Time to leave, and E. tries to convince me to simply leave me things at his place, come directly to Gabbie’s and then I should stop by his place in the morning on my way into work (since he won’t be at the studio tomorrow.) Neither Gabbie nor I liked that idea too much so it ended with me going to E’s… TO QUICKLY GRAB MY THINGS AND GET OUT FOR THE BUS TO HERE! WASTE NO TIME!!! WOW! I FELT LIKE COMPLETE SHIT! Oh, and all this while, he’s blaming Chris’ discomfort with me being there. No matter. t will be redressed… soon. I’m not going to bother about it. But “Fate” will… I’ve no doubt. And yes… it was just that: in the door, grab luggage, GET OUT! _ It was HELL trying to get here. The luggage was heavy and bulky and should straps dug into my shoulders, bent me forward, I couldn’t breathe most of the time. A simply 3-block walk took me longer than Gabbie’s trip on the subway from the studio! I was tired, thirsty, and couldn’t breathe under the pressure of the luggage and such! I’d walk about 10 steps, stop, breathe, walk the next 10 steps, repeat. FINALLY I MADE IT HERE! THE HOUSE IS MAGNIFICENT! OLD BROWN STONE! BEAUTIFUL OLD ARCHITECTURE! AND GABBIE WAS SO WARM, WELCOMING. SHOWED ME TO THE LIVING-ROOM, GAVE ME THE TOUR. MADE ME FEEL A PART OF THE HOUSE-HOLD… THERE ARE 5 SHARING THIS PLACE! I have the plants by the window and the entire living-room semi to myself. And KEYS! I’m free to come and go! It’s amazingly the opposite of “friends” who basically tossed me into the street! Is it “perfect”? No. But I no longer feel UNWANTED and nothing more than a burden. I’ll be sleeping on the sofa, using my back-back as my pillow tonight. But I won’t feel as if I’m INTRUDING! So, yes… it’s MUCH better. – 22.00 and the “room-mate” down-stairs is practicing trombone. This will be difficult for me. I’m just a bit tired tonight. But you know? I’ll live with it. Here, I’m WELCOME! AND TRUSTED WITH KEYS!!!!!

Thu.18.Apr: 5th Day @ Bklyn Fagz THROWN OUT TO GABBY'S (@15:00) STUDIO: 12.00 (0 lunch) 18.00 - 6hrs.

BDM Fri.19.Apr 23.31 After a relatively restless night last night, I finally got me up at about 7.00 this morning. I slept on a tiny love-seat with my back-pack covered with my sweat-shirt… pillow. Morning coffee in the loo, brushed my teeth, washed my face, changed my shirt and off to work… exhausted. I’ve been sleeping in my clothes for about a week now. This is “Homeless” again. Yes… a “pity party-whining session”. This is the “Open Welcome”. Fucking stupid me. Duped again. What a total shit I am. What a complete fucking moron! – Got to work at 8.30 and started right in… no break until abou 14.30 when I pulled my last 20$ in the banque and addedmy last 10$ for car-fare… to work… fir next week. There’ll be no eating until Friday next. No money and no NY food stamps. Oh well. – Work jept me occupied all day and I didn’t finish and leave until 19.30! On my feet all day. No E. all day either. We spoke a bit but not about anything in particular. I’ve little to say, honestly. – When Ieft work. my feet were (and still are) burning sore. But I made it to the house and en-route rang Fran to check in. She went to the opthomologist today: in addition to the blindness and the tumour she now has cataracts! And they’re leaving everything to simply observe. No surgery. We talked for hours as I sat out-side on the stoop. I got to chat with Devon too! Made me more “home-sick”. Fran said, tonight ” You were on such a self-destruct, working 2 jobs, getting no sleep” while I was in VT. And she honestly misses me! That’s SO kind. “Home”. (23.52… Erica is sitting at table looking at her lap-top; Maggie comes in to water plants. Erica did ask if I was going to sleep. What could I say? Of course I said I’d be doing some notes… No sleep tonight. And my head is stuffy and I’m getting the “exhaustion hot flashes and sweats”. Sickness is coming!) – When I told Fran about being tossed about she calmly said “You need to come home.” Yes… I DO! – Then, at 22.00, bgan talking with Penelope. She tells me she’d been diagnosed with Ca bone and lung but chemo and radiation cleaned it all up. She spun a few threads… and then my mobile went. Battery! Completely out! Oh well. Perhaps we’ll talk tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get invited to coffee? (I doubt it. That’s “Penelope”.) – When I came in at about 23.00 and saw Erica at table, wrnt out for a stroll. It’s drizzling tonight. Came back in and here I am…

Fri.19.Apr: STUDIO 8.30 (,50 lunch) 19.00 - 10hrs 34,5hrs TOTAL 621$$: pd. 19 Apr. (Post-Its From Schmulik. Residential Hotels.) NEW WORLD Hotel 212-226-5522 101 Bowery (My note: No Vacancies At All) The Whitehouse Hotel 340 Bowery (My note: 212-477-5623 No Vacancies) Sun Bright(?) 140 Hester St. 212-380-1216 (My note: Voice Mail left #)

Sat.20.Apr 0.07 and I continue to tap on the iPod… Erica still at table. My sweat-shirt/pillow is damp from my stroll and… I won’t be going to the synagogue today. It’s going to be a day on the subway… sleeping. This is “Homeless”- 21.09 J train. Bowery. And today? Force-slept until almost 8! Up. SHOWERED! Wonderful! Then, out into the Brooklyn morn for a smoke and a phone chat with Penelope who INVITED me to come by! SO… I got me together and headed to storage. (I now have my 10-bag and ALL with me! Extra weight, but it’s with me!) There are 2 5x5x8’s empty right by my unit! I hope they’re still there on Friday and at the same price quoted last Sunday. I’ll take one, move everything into it and then I can go HOME! – From storage: A train to C to Franklin to B49 to Penelope’s. (21.42 At the house. Maggie at table. But it’s fine.) So… I got to Penelope’s and Janet was there! Wow the HUGS! Janet looks terrific. Penelope shows a bit of ger ordeal. Indeed… Ca. But, I have to note, she looks MUCH like the Penelope I left 2 years ago. And still a bunsle of massive energy. We went into the house and down-stairs where Penelope spends most of her time now. And we talked… about her Ca, about Breezy and the post-storm, about how FEMA is shit, about Rockaway… about so much. We talked. It was SUPER! Janet left about 16.00 and Penelope asked me to stay and EAT! I was thrilled to eat. Chicken, green salad, cranberry juice. Then Tony H. rang. We chatted a bit and I passed the phone to Penelope and went for a smoke. When I came back in Penelope told me that there’s a group going to T4 tomorrow… to start renovations!!! Tony will be there and… Tommy might be there! Apparently, RAA is quite abandonded but Tommy repaired things in T7 so…. I actually cried. – Meanwhile, a voice message from E.: would I like to join him for a walk in the Botanical Gardens tomorrow. Oh yeah right sure. I want my things from his basement and my pay-cheque. Never mind the “do come back – now get out”. Anyway… – Penelope and I talked, just as we did in T6… until about 19.00 and I left. She was exhausted, poor thing. I offered to go with her if she wants to go out to The Fort tomorrow (I’m planning on testing the 10) and told her to ring me. – The return trip to BedStuy was a bus to the Q to Canal St to the J! I need new bus maps! – I returned the call to E. When I said I’d visited P., “I thought you gave up HealthCare”. When I declined the garden walk he replied “I’m in the middle of something here I’ll call you in the morning.” I let it, and the call… go. FuckIt. – Well, 22.30. Maggie said to let her know when I want to go to sleep and she’ll leave. I told her I could simply crash on the sifa and sleep, she could continue her work. True, that. – And now: stuffy sinuses… thr trees are bursting! I see MINUS 3 tonight in Richford! I WANT TO BE THERE! Snow in BTV! Soon… not soon enough… – I’m exhausted!

Sun.21.Apr: 7.27 Sinuses are stuffed this morning and wheb I coughed to clear my throat… quite scratchy. All I can hope is that this is alergies. – The sky seems clear, the temperature is cool. Richford is still quite coldish and I wish I was there. But it’s really quite OK here…. … … thus far. I trust not even the cat (Oliver) these days. – Yesterday’s talking about the losses of house and home in Rockaway and how people were surprised by the support of others who offered their homes… and as Penelope and Janet listed who took in whom “Rent free!” I thought “That’s as it should be! Shelter the Homeless and as is my situation, I’m not taking from your daily existence and have no intention of staying permanently so… of course, why should you charge? And in Rockaway? How could you be so cruel as to charge rent?” Honestly! People… compassion. But I have to add here: Thurs, Fri, Sat… 3 nights already. Almost time to move along again. But I have no place to move TO and no money (yet) to move with. This week will make THE difference… and the stress is high now, again. Oh well. Fuckit. Bottom line: I step out, another steps in… the World is nothing more than a subway car. – 7.41 Move-along time. Hopefully today… 413!!! – 18.00 at the house. Quiet. Ever so nice. – It was another “Alone” day all day. But it was alone in The Fort! Discoveries. 413. (10 failed… I think I’m still
in depression… hopefully it’s not the “affliction” of so many other guys who hung out at The Fort: according tp Penelope, seems prostate cancer is hitting and the commonality is… The Fort. Well, there were those evacs due to radiation surges. Ah… WTF? I don’t really care any longer. Next!) The inner Fort is as it was when I left NY. But the beach is incredibly NOTHING like it was. I walked in past T4. The group was cleaning out debris but I didn’t stop. Went in the Ranger Road, looked into Harris East. Same there. The Centre Road to The Marshall Road to 411. Aside from many felled trees about… same, same. Then, up to 413 for a linger. As far as I saw, it’s fine! When, after a while and a 10 and a 413 (yes, OK but terribly disappointing after 2 years) I left, took the West Road to the Shore Road snd THAT is where the damage became evident! Astonishing! I took photos with the phone (must find out how to get the off the phone!) but… the power house at the west corner is now completely above ground snd TIPPED a bit; Battery Kessler’s ocean façade is almost completely exposed; a gun mount in front of BK is completely exposed when, for all those years it was a mystery… under the sand. The Concrete Road? Sections are actually flipped over! Some, shoved several metres back from the shore! Sections are buckled, cracked, broken, half buried! Destroyed! 220 hill is still there. 315 is almost the same, but the lush pines that concealed it are now completely dead. But the “entrance”? Still the same… but the ocean cleared a “promenade” around and behind! Today, as I walked about, I thought:
World War I and World War II and Tilden survived. But ONE storm all but wiped it out!!! But, I’m trying to think of it not as “destruction” but a “new” environment according to Nature’s way. (I’m teying to think of it this way.)
Then… “My Tree”… There. Exposed. Dead. There’ll be no returning. It was quite strange being back, seeing where I’d slept, where I’d written what’s become “the book”, remembering and almost re-living those evenings and nights. The duneswhere I’d slept, alone, are completely gone, not even a subtle hint of their existence… gone. The tree is there… dead. That entire part of my existence, wiped completely away. Like everything that went when Cyndi wiped-away almost 50 years with the storage. I had to think: I’m here, for a while, I exist, for a while, and suddenly ALL before is demolished, devastated, eliminated, and everything begins from a different beginning. And each time hurts… deeply… and it seems, each time, no one understands or even truly cares. Well… soon it will be over and there’ll be no re-creation… just the end. Peace. – And so, I left the beach at about 16.00 and walked over to Bldg.1 where I grabbed a 25 minute nap on a bench, in the brilliant sun. I fell asleep and woke to the sound of the ocean… again. No other sound, just the ocean. Back… to the sound of the ocean. As I was getting ready to go to the bus, Parks came by to tell me I had to leave “This section is closed, sir.” I note today: This is what the Fed wanted… they’ll stop any renovation and finally lock Tilden shut to rot. I feel it. – Got the Q35 to Kings Plaza. I was SO hungry! But instead of paying 2$ for a frank, I had a stick of gum and got the B46 to the house. – Today’s “meal”: a 75-cent iced bun, 75-cent “bear claw” and a 50-cent cream cookie. To think, over 100$ in FoodStamps… for VT and nothing here. It’s going to be a difficult week, especially since the others here cook. Oh well… soon, I’ll be back on the road to finish this. Saturday would be nice. – 20.10 Lengthy chit-chat with E. As if all is sweet and wonderful. Mum would be so proud. I was “fun”, chatty, light, ego-stroking. I need the job, he’s my “boss”, I WANT my things in his storage… Kissing frog arse… then… fuckitall and I’ll be at the border, walking away from it all! – 20.33 My sinuses are a total disaster tonight! Watery nose, scratchy throat. Miserably nasty. And I NEED a shower! The house is quiet. I’m off to become “clean”! – 21.30 CLEAN! and delighted. Ah… and tonight… the rap up-stairs. The owner’s nephew, I understand. And, this being Bed-Stuy… Bound sooner or later. But tonight I’m exhausted and don’t care. Head stuffy, nose drippy, throat scratchy. Don’t care. – Tomorrow I don’t have to be in the studio until later. I do have to get bus maps and to a computer to see if I have anything on my NY Food Stamps and IF I’ll get a Fed tax cheque (I’m certainly not counting on THAT! God knows the Fed needs my tax refund MUCH MORE than I do.) So I’ll be at a library in the morn. Ah… back in NYC… back to being relatively Homeless. SHOOT ME! (There’s always the accidental fall in front of the subway… 114 people fell last year, 55 died… 55… there’s my number!) – 21.40 on a Sunday night and up-stairs we got “Bed-Stuy Idol” going. Sunday night… typical. NYC. 22.27 Lights out… Sleep I hope.

Mon.22.Apr: 7.52 Miserable alergies with shards of glass in the chest when I cough. Time to hit the rails. This house is not my home.
********************************
********************************
22.50 Flushing! FuckMe… they pulled it AGAIN! I woke this morning with the cough that usually follows the sinus trouble… that cough that burns so and feels like glass shards or bits of metal filling the lungs. Ignored it. Showered and went off to work… Well, went off to The City… got my bus maps after a bit of “NYC bullshit”. Went to GCT to the Transit Museum where they’ve always had maps but this morning the idiot there tells me “We only have the Bronx and S.I. We sold out the others.” You can’t “sold out” FREE maps! Not to mention, when I asked where I could get Bklyn and Queens, he didn’t know! Fucknut. I tried the “Tourist Info” window and THEY had plenty! Dumbasses in this city. – So thenit was off to MMLib for shit computer time. Post to the Journal, learn that the 692,25 Fed refund that would make the World to me got fucking taken again. -However… this morning I learned that myFoodStamps aregood here! FOOD! I can EAT! – SO! Not at all happy about much of anything this morning, I headed to the studio where it ALL hit shit-rock-bottom! E. comes to me and nonchalantly says “You can’t stay any longer at Gabbie’s.” Knowing the answer already, I asked when I had to be out… yup… NOW. At Noon he tells me this shit? A-fuckin-gain? And the stress soared. But I was quite calm. Fuck him! This is the second time. he’s pulled this shit! I swear… There won’t be a third! His response? Looking for hostels… most in Chinatown! 75-90$/night! “I can probably hold you until Friday.” Yeah. Gee. Thanks. Since I was in quite the spot, I did THE royal fuck-up: I rang Penelope, with just the slightest trace of hope of hearing her offer a corner of floor. “Oh my gid Jud. This is terrible! What are you going to do?” and “And I’m so sick, I can’t have anybody in my house.” WOW! Another “TWICE”! NYC is OUT! I resolved… I’m GONE! I do NOT belong here any longer! Miserable shit-hole! She pulled her “normal” fuckshit and asked why I don’t go toE.’s. FUCK! I TOLD her, REPEATEDLY, that I can’t go there. SHE’D been the one who said “You must never depend on him for anything again.” when he tossed me on Thursday. What a bloody-fucking piece of stupid shit se is. And how stupid of me to re-unite with her. CUT! and FUCK-OFF! Done! – Well… E. did fuck-all to help during the day. StoragePost rented the 5x5x8 unit I’d reserved and NEED! I rang Fran… a kinder voice. It helped, tremendously. – The day went along and… LAST MINUTE… DUMPED into somebody ELSE’S lap again! Eddy! Flushing! Now I have to move my things from Bklyn to Flushing! – As it turned out though… Eddy welcomed me into his place: a “friend”, 2 cats… cat vomit on table and floor… and he’s just completed some kind of NewAge cultist “Love Your Life” programme! Not to mention, Flushing is now ALL Chinese! I’m on a razor’s edge here. – But we stopped at a deli where he needed to shop and I paid… FoodStamps! Then he took me out for Japanese dinner. The hot soup and noodles were SO welcome! But my guts are giving up, as are my lungs. – Well… tonight we (Eddy and I) slept together in his king-size bed (with super-soft mattress… but pillows to keep my head up!) And I’m more than delighted to record, it was completely respectful and respectable.

Mon.22.Apr: 4th Day @ Gabby's - Eduardo tells me @ 14.00 I'm sent to Eddy's in Flushing! STUDIO: 17-19.00 - 2hrs

Tue.23.Apr:14.57 Eddy’s house. Woke this morning, exhauated. But the sinuses are a bit better though the chest is still sore, burning like hot shardsof glass. – Eddy gave me a house key this morning, for the flat but not the bldg. The bldg has one of thos “Multi Lock” locks so copies of keys can’t be made. Hey, I don’t mind. A key to the flat is better than sitting in the hall. (I paid the copy at the cancillaire wirh my pocket change). He went to the studio, I took the 44 bus to Jamaica. -… I keep falling asleep!!!! Uncontontrolable! Sittimg in thisxhair and suddlrny I realise I asleep! – (22.32) Grabbed the J train at Jamaica and went to Gabbies where I got my luggage and toiletries snd that was enough!
Weak tired hungry
One more trip left
Coffee at flat
To the studio
Stupid reception from E.
16.30-19.00 work today (2,5hrs)
E. snapped to be back 9am!
I said I had 1 more move trip
He STORMED out! Oh well.
I was almost last to leave
Went to find Eddy at meeting
talk w/Fran and Devon
Typical hypno-bunk welcome
I didn’t stay
Quick shop at deli food stamps
Got in and ate cream cheese, yoghurt, health drink (Homeless me again)
HOT SHOWER TONIGHT
22.40 Francisco just came in Eddy’s en route
I do NOT belong in this city any more! I’s truly time to GTFO ASAP!!!

Tue.23.Apr: NO WORK TODAY

Wed.24.Apr: 19.55 Flushing train 42ndSt to Flushing… HATE! All of this. Just HATE. – 22.52 Eddy’s And tonight, Frederico(?) told me to make myself at home, help myself to eat, and said that we are here to help each-other. It’s not his flat, but it was a comfort just to hear the words. And I did eat: Am. cheese with cream cheese on whole wheat. I miss hot food but I’m happy I ate… and showered. – Today was a full day at work. Martin was a bit snippy but nothing I take seriously. And of course, I worked through the day, tired and hungry. This evening, E. wanted to spend time talking.
showed me Macs
asked for TAviv keys insisting he’d paid for not returning them (o well) I refused
Got to flat no eddy
Francisco bade me make myself at home
ate cheese sandwich
watched tv on computer
shower
bed
eddy in very delightful
i fell asleep before he went to bed

Wed.24.Apr: STUDIO: 9.00 (,50 lunch) 19.00 - 9,5hrs

Thu.25.Apr: 19.28 Flushing train Into work 10.00 sat down immed to work. E. took me to lunch tuna melt. Martin chastised E. Butthole. I stay to make enough to get back to VT. Out at 19.00. Walk and talk with E. who got a cab and I got nr1 at 23rd. I’m tired of this homelessness and NYC. – 22.57 Showered. In bed. Francisco just stopped watching his shows. – I stopped at the deli this evening: mayo for my evening cheese sandwich, fruit drink and some kind of cheap “sundae” thing, small jar of coffee… 16$! FoodStamps down to 73$. But, I ate tonight. And Francisco gave me the password to the WiFi so I checked e-mails and posted to Twitter. – Ivan sent a DM: his Mum died… He DMed a link to the train service and an invite to stay by him a while. I think of him as a “friend”, and tonight, my resolve to return to VT is stronger. (And my resistance against simply dropping off the platform into an on-coming train gets increasingly weaker.) This week-end I’ll get into the severe planning for the return… to VT and then HOME… for all time. – I don’t know how much more time I have here, but 2 more weeks (and a minimum 33 hours’ work each week) would be immensely appreciated. Then? Leave for work one morning and… leaving SOME Sincere Gratitude here (and some sincere “fuck your-self”).

Thu.25.Apr: STUDIO: 10.00 (,50 lunch) 19.00 - 8,5hrs

Fri.26.Apr: 21.19 Eddy’s. Showered. Pajamas. Francisco in living-room. Quiet. Eddy in NJ tonight. All of what I’d left at Gabby’s is now here. – It was pay-day: 30$ on the phone, 30$ on the MetroCard. I work and this city grabs. But, I have a job… for the moment. – I have no key to this building, so with heavy luggage I had to wait for some-one to come by and let me in. I can’t smoke in the flat, but with-out a key I don’t dare step out so it’s almost like “curfew”. I worry sbout the week-end… Francisco has the bldg. key. I must remember to remind him not to lock me out. – I have to talk with Eddy about staying for 2 weeks. Hopefully he won’t mind. Then I can get started back North. I’m tired. Off to Jericho to see Fran and Devon. Then back to Richford to see the folks there. Then? HOME… perhaps up to Gaspé. Two weeks… that should be enough. – I’m tired. Francisco’s now listening to something on the lap-top but I’ll be asleep soon. The sound doesn’t bother me (Spanish stuff). At day’s end I’m WASTED!

Fri.26.Apr: STUDIO: 9.30 (,50 lunch) 16.30 - 6,5hrs 26,5hrs - 477$ NO CHEQUES TODAY because the Studio couldn't afford payroll! Paid Tues. 30 April.

Sat.27.Apr: 20.39 Eddy’s. I just walked in and Eddy came in shortly after. – Francisco isn’t feeling well. I can’t get rid of the “tickle” in my throat and the glops draining from my sinuses. My chest and throat still burn and blood is coming up. Tah-dah. I need to get NORTH! before I break down completely! – As for the day? Bull-shit! – The multiple bags are condensed into “luggage”. Now I need “luggage” on wheels and a storage space to put it all into. Then… on the road and OUT! – Left the flat at about noon and headed into The City in search of things needed. Ah… at Union Square I bought maple candy from a guy from S.Glover! VT! – Then, out to the Midwood 99-cent store… They haven’t got diddlshit any more. Much crap, for more than 99-cents. I did get a Fage yoghurt, tin of fruit cocktail, Israeli chocolate bar, bag of cookies, electric tape.
lunch brighton beach Threw the fruit cocktail!
no Staples!!!!!!!!! 18.25 34th!
back to Flushing
23.02 tickle, cough, gobs, tired… Eddy goes to bed VERY late!
All day I thought: no hot food, only yoghurt, not eating, no place to “be”… Yup… Homeless again. And surely, talking with ANYBODY will result in “You’re whining”. So? I shut up.

Sun.28.Apr: mon29.9.18 nr7 – Late start. Eddy and Francisco to church. Showered. To The City. Paper for book cards at last. 10$. Wasted day for agenda. Nothing in this dump city! Opens at 10 closes at 18! Shit city. – But cheque cleared. Cash! – Back to flat. Lavage! Rang Nancy. Very supportive and understsndimg of situation. – E and F came as I did lavage. Both are supportive. E says “we” will move when he moves! – Burger King dble wopper for late dinner. Hot food tonight. – Late night watching movie. Sleep at 1.00 .

Mon.29.Apr. 8.28 FlushTrain to studio. E says this morn “respect” for my situation. No sex. So refreshing. So understanding. He’s not feeling well. I’m on train alone. Stomach off. BurgerKing. – Québec country music. – Dream: Limelight Industries… cross-over wirh Sweat- Cummings. Nice dream. I wonder… Limelight/Martin SC/Richfird? –
-Another promise: to scan chomage papers, he left early
-Gabby is down-right rude toward me
-3 wks to HOME
– 21.10 Just inat the flat. Francisco is cooking “Columbian” chicken soup. Eddy’s out there some-where. – I chatted with Fran a bit before coming in tonight. I miss her. I wish I could just hop a train to go visit… Soon, very soon.

Mon.29.Apr: *1 WEEK @ EDDY'S * STUDIO: 10.00 (,50 lunch) 19.30 - 9hrs BIRDMAN: all hours

Tue.30.Apr:
30$ Staples book cards
another shit promise
no scan chomage
mcfukitz linch 16.00
soup at flat

Tue: 30 Apr: STUDIO: 9.30 (,50 lunch) 18.00 - 8hrs. BIRDMAN: all hours