(A Note: I'm posting 2024 as of February now. Having fallen so far behind, as noted in 2022, August on-ward. But tonight, as I work on trying to keep presently current, I have to draw attention to the Journal of YONAH TAUBE, in particular, his Journal for 29 February 2024 which explains and describes so very much that is the foundation of ALL of this Journal from October 2020 forward. He is my "LIFE", my SOLE reason for even being... I came back to New York from Vermont with the intention of simply drinking myself to death, to just "wait for God", as it were. And I was doing quite the good job of it. I had NO reason or cause to continue with anything and was simply waiting for "a moment". Then came this little bundle of feathered LIFE... His story is now my story. I doubt any-one will ever see these journal notes, I doubt anybody will ever care, whether or not any-body does see or read them. But, if the internet is forever - and eventually, it's not... should I stop paying for the server space and/or the "domain" this, like all else in Creation, will cease to exist - but, if ANY part of the internet is forever and this IS ever discovered, reading this Journal AND Yonah's will explain all that need be known... if anything about me will ever "need" be known...)


Monday 01 January:
It's 19.49 already! The bloody days are going by all the quicker, it seems, and with today's later start... well, I'm also disappointed in how much I didn't get done that I would have liked to have done, but then, I did manage to do things I had no intention of doing... until, at least tomorrow. So I suppose there's a bit of a trade-off.
To that end, now that I'm starting new journals for Yonah and I for this year, and intending to keep them current... and trying to figure a "time-slot" for journalling (as I try to "time-out" the smoking...) today:
I was SO tired this morning....
didn't want to get up! Last night, I finally got to the futon entirely too close to 23.00 again, and not being able to get to sleep until at least 2.00 this morning just made it difficult to just get up when Yonah called at about 7.40.
Yes, last night, I got to Yonah's futon (after watching the full movie "I Married A Witch" - the precursor for the sitcom "Bewitched" - which I didn't intend to watch through but by the time I looked to see how much time was left... and it was only but about 12 minutes... well... anyway... I got to the futon and was, for a while, as comfortable as I could get, but just couldn't shut my mind off. And then, when I tried to turn to my left side, thinking that might help me fall asleep, as it has in the past ... WELL! again, after so many nights of "reprieve"... the contraction in the left foot and calf AGAIN! It wasn't "horrific" and I was hoping I could "dodge" it, and just fall asleep in spite of it, but, after a moment or so, I had no choice but to get up and walk it off. So, to the loo and back to the futon... on my right side.
The contraction was gone but the "gallbladder" started... that dull "pinch/puncture" pain. I took a couple of breaths and... for the rest of the night, I was "stuck" some-where between asleep and awake until, at about 7.30, Yonah called...
I did NOT want to get up... I knew I wouldn't "sleep" at that point, but I just did NOT want to get up yet. But Yonah called, and I called back and then the "final 'woo-HOO!'" and I was up... thinking I'd open his house, the windows, put the bird-songs on and try for a "nap". Nope... there was something in his "pool water"... so we changed that. And since I was up and about, I put fresh food in his dish and added today's "Bene-bac"... by then... it was just after 8.00 so, I set an alarm (silly me) for an hour and got back onto the futon and tried to doze. Yonah wasn't having, at first, but he DID manage to get comfy on my shoulder at some point, I some-what dozed and when I woke... with the 9.00 alarm... there he was, on my shoulder! He'd snoozed with me! WHAT a GLORIOUS beginning to a new day, week, month... YEAR!
And so, late start to the day... and trying desperately NOT to have a morning smoke... I got distracted with shit around the shit-box... I still hadn't washed the "work jeans" after the last attic visit. And my other jeans were... in need of... as it were... so... into one basin, the whites and jammies, into the other, 2 jeans. Out-side... -5° and cloudy... Oh well... But I DID get all washed, and a shirt too. Jeans and shirt on the lines, others on the rack in the shower. Needless to say, the jeans froze (and so solid that I had to stand them in the shower to thaw so I could clip them to hangers), and too, the shirt. But I managed to get them in at about 16.30... still quite solid.
I washed the jeans with washing soda and tonight, my fingers are cracked again! BUT... the clothes are clean and so... there we have it.
By the time I'd done the lavage... it was lunch time. So Yonah and I settled together to catch the news and have a lunch...
After lunch, I though that, with the cold, I ought to start and run the truck and since I was doing that and there was nothing to leave and drive about for today (holiday), I decided to bring the bag of cigarettes back to Dan... and run the truck for that. So... I rolled down to Dan's... as the truck "squealed", as it's doing of late. Didn't intend to, but stayed a while, discussing our health, the troubles with hospitals, my up-coming surgery and cessation of smoking (which I'm failing at today). Left the truck running as we chatted. He's been having trouble with HIS car too, of late: gas line, other shit, and people telling him to "trade it in" "buy new". WELL! Come to learn, HIS SocSec is merely 1700! Mine will JUST become 1296 (so we'll call it 1300) but he's got a house, taxes, &c. I don't know HOW he does it. But as he says: 10k down on a new vehicle and 300-500/mo on payments? Neither of us is in any position. So... we chatted, the truck ran and I finally got out and back to MY HEART-AND-SOUL!
FUN NEWS DU JOUR!... After much fiddling about on their damned web-site, I FINALLY managed to confirm that I'm back with UHC today... AND, TO MY SHOCK, THE CARD HAD 163 AND 75 ON IT! THE 163 IS THE NEW MONTHLY 50 THAT I WAS GETTING (that's too good to last, to be sure), and the 75 from the "Home Visit" (which is useless to me unless I can figure out how to get to use it.... for food or something of the sort... at Walmarde... fuck me). SO... i fucked-round and after a while of annoyance... I put in a PAYMENT FOR ALL OF THE INTERNET/PHONE BILL THIS MONTH! (There's now and extra charge of 1,50 for the "privilege" but hey! If I can pull 79,98 off my home-cash-budget every month.. I'm HAPPY! But we'll have to see when it posts to the account... with all this "holiday bull-shit" these days... Hell... I still haven't even written the rent cheque... I'd rather not at all but...). So... I'm rather thrilled about THAT accomplishment. That's the ONE "bill" I most HATE to pay (after the rent) because of how the rates change for no reason. So... let my taxes pay the bloody bill.
By then... it was after 15.00 and that's when I brought the washing in off the line... and frozen clothes reminded me so much of Henri-Julien days.... (and how I ought to get an iron and board... maybe since I've saved 80$ this month...)
To my absolute disgust, by 16.00 today... I'd "smoked" (though not inhaling again) 4 cigarettes! Still... Though I have to remember that the readings say that people who stop suddenly, usually fail complete and return shortly to regular smoking. And Dan said he's heard that people take many attempts before being completely successful. But now, there's 2 packs in the house... the "Reservation" and a pack of Camel Lights. There'll be no more buying!
And so... that brings us to "evening meals" with Yonah... and the last of the cooked chicken in the house... I'll have to break down and get more this week... and I don't want to shop at TOPS! (If I could figure how, I could, on the 9th, try Hannafords in Lake Placid and check Helen Hill... but the tyres on the truck make me nervous...) I have to say that the rice and the peas-and-spinach turned-out quite tasty! But again, by 17.30... dishes done and... so too, the day!
Yonah got tucked-in at about 19.30... and here it is... 20.21... time for wrapping this day up! At least I've gotten Yonah's and this new journal current... (one day). I intend to keep BOTH current... and work on the back journals... and get the G's site re-worked for FIFTY YEARS... IT WAS FIFTY YEARS AGO THEY TORCHED IT... AND SICKENINGLY ... I STILL REMEMBER THAT NIGHT, GOING BACK TO NEWBURGH AND MOTHER TELLING ME THE NEWS. (She really was a qunt... as I think back... but then... they all were... and are...and best leave them where and as they are... Like Mindy Brock "I want to bring you your art"... 2 years ago... Filth.)
22.07 Here we go again.... but I got stuck watching "Charade"! 1963... and I remember certain scenes in the film! 61 years ago... we went to see it at the Drive-In... Middlehope. I never knew why we went to see it. I don't understand why "they" liked the films they did and why they spent the money to take me (us) along. I've only just begun understanding why "they" liked the songs they did. Miserable couple, really, stuck in a life they hated... and hated ME for. But that I remember the scenes... 61 years later! Didn't get through the whole film. More to watch.
And I had a few puffs of a cigarette again. Have to see about patches I suppose. Though it's not the nicotine... it's the sensation, the "taste". But I'll try the patches. Will see if they're not available on the "UHC" card. If not... I'll ask Devon for a script... What-ever... MUST get this out of my existence. I'm disappointed in me. Vodka was easier... I don't know why.
Off to the futon!

Tuesday 02 January:
10.31 The sun is breaking in through Yonah's window. Morning call came at 7.17 this morning and, as usual, I would have stayed on the futon, under the covers. Last night, at about mid-night-30, as I was just getting to "sleep", I got the worst tickle in the throat and HAD to get up... leave the room, because of the cough! It was as though my body was desperately trying to clear that last "smoke" I'd had! Deep, repeated coughs. I took a cough drop and got back onto the futon... managed to get to my left side and drifted off. But why I'm still so damned tired in the morning... I wonder. I do. But I got right up when called and got the morning rolling.
Disappointed with me already though: I've had 2 smokes... though not inhaling. And I checked the "bill pay" on the UHC card for the internet: it posted to the card so it'll be sent. THAT'S 79,98 MORE I have in my own budget this month! But then... 30 extra is gone... I ordered the new furnace filtre this morning. (According to Lowe's, it'll be here on Thursday... The suspense: WILL it come on that date and if so... WHERE will it be delivered to? (FuxIt).
Chilly morning, this. -3°. But it feels "snappier". And at the feeder, blue jays. Not as many as yesterday, but, even Dan's noticed that we're predominantly blue jays. I'm just grateful for the "air" in this shit-box.
I gave the rent cheque to Sam this morning. Wrote it out, slapped it into the envelope... done. Now to see when it arrives at the Mass-hole's residence.
Much to get "done" this morning... G's site and files to move about. AND THE BLOODY SCREEN ON THE LAP-TOP IS FUCKING UP! One of these moments it'll go completely. New tyres for the truck. A new lap-top... 2024 is going to be a costly year. I see it coming. But for now... on with the day.
20.06 Yonah is tucked in... and the house is so quiet...
Today, I worked on G's site... and it was horrific for me! My vision is so blurred these days, even with the glasses. Pisses me off and tires me too. And my "concentration" is still so off... from the days of the mould! One of these days there will be reparations... and I'll see to that. I'm fed-up with all of this bull-shit.
Sadly, the rent cheque went out today. I gave it to Sam this morning. Full amount. One of these days... one of these days. Let's see if I don't get a call: "Did you send the rent? Did I get it and can't find it?" how about "Fuck you. It'll get there when it does. I have no control over the post." (And I might mention the HUD... "might"... But at this juncture, if I do, I'll be sure to make "mention" of the "inspection" and see if Mass-hole truly believes he can get away with another one... now... I won't mention Meghan... who can come and inspect too. We shall see. In any case, there will be a new fridge and kitchen faucet coming... and then, hopefully, me moving out. I'll claim "breach of habitability"... and away we go. Not to mention, I'm already approved in Jefferson County so, if Yonah and I have to go there... so be it.
AND YONAH'S GROCERIES ARRIVED THIS EVENING! FROM HARRISONS AND PETCO! ALL FRESH AND NEW! HIS "LARDER" IS STOCKED! (Mine, not so much. But HIS is more important.) I'm quite relieved.
And I checked the UHC records... the Spectrum payment is clearly posted and "pending". There's some extra in this month's budget. And the new filtre for the furnace is ordered... due to arrive Thursday. Hopefully, by the time it needs replacing (March), Yonah and I will be on the move. It would be nice to be in the Saranac Lake vicinity and surgery just a lousy memory. I'll HOPE!
Anyway, G's still isn't done and I'm still not happy with what I've done today. But there's time... the 20th is the 50th ***** FIFTIETH ***** ANNIVERSARY of the fire! FIFTY YEARS! On the 20th.
And, the smoking cessation? Well, the ONLY brand of patches I can get with the UHC card is "Equate". Walmarde "offers" the official "Nicorette" but when I put it into "the cart"... "Out of Stock". They're so full of shit. They're quite "In Stock" of excesses of shit! I don't want their brand... "Made In China". Bad enough I'm leery of the fentanyl used in anaesthesia, no sense having MORE shit in my system with those patches. So, I'll have to check on other venues because I'm still going for the cigarettes... though today... not inhaling them again so that should be cutting the nicotine in my system down. Still... I'm disappointed in me... BUT... the not-inhaling IS a step away from it all. Not sure if patches will help but if I can get them free... I'll try them! (They didn't work the last time I tried... I remember having the patch on whilst in housing court and as soon as there was a break, I was out... for a smoke... with the patch! Oh well... almost 70 years...).
And now... 20.19 and time to settle down and out... I will NOT be heading to the futon at 23.00 tonight!
23.33 Finished the movie "Charade" because... well... because I did. And... I've jotted an entry into the G's "Blog" page while the sentiments are flowing (as they do late of an evening.)
TROUBLE WITH THE VT ACCOUNT TONIGHT... THE BLOODY LOG-ON VERIFICATION BULL-SHIT WASN'T WORKING... IT INSISTED I NEED A FUCKING VERIFICATION CODE BUT THE FUCKING COMPUTER WASN'T CALLING WITH IT. I TRIED SEVERAL TIMES AND GOT NO CALL UNTIL... I'D SENT AN E-MAIL TO THE BANUQE (KNOWING I WON'T HEAR UNTIL TOMORROW) AND THEN... THE PHONE WOULDN'T STOP RINGING!!!! THE FUCKING BLOODY COMPUTER IS ON A LOOP, RINGING WITH "VERIFICATION CODES"! I'VE HAD TO TAKE THE DAMNED PHONE OUT OF SERVICE FOR THE PAST HOUR! ONLY JUST NOW BROUGHT IT BACK! POOR YONAH! WITH THE DAMNED RINGING. SO NOW... THIS MONTH, I'LL DO THE BILLS AND LOOK FOR ANOTHER OBSCURE BANQUE TO PUT SOC.SEC. INTO FOR BILL PAYING (I WANT TO KEEP IT SEPARATE FROM THE CREDIT UNION...) NEW YEAR... NEW SHIT! (Maybe there's a "Saranac Lake" banque?)
Anyway, a difficult day ahead tomorrow... fatigue, and a need to go to market... with precious little FS. And smoking? Well... But hey... things work out... this is no more "forever" than G's...
24.16 Got lost looking for other banques... OH. sorry day ahead!

Wednesday 03 January:
20.55 already! This was NOT the sort of day that I'd planned it to be. The best part was waking to Yonah's call at 7.14, and I was so comfy on the futon. I'd actually managed to get to sleep and woke feeling "rested" this morning, though I could have well stayed on the futon for the day... it was that comfortable (and I wasn't looking forward to the nonsense from the banque, nor the anxieties of not being able to get to paying the bills). BUT... up I got and on with the day... and it didn't turn out "terrible"... just that I didn't have all the time I was hoping to spend with Yonah.
AND it's been another day of smoking! But tonight, I'm almost out of the one "Indian" pack and the only cigarettes left in the house is a pack of Camel Lights... I'm NOT buying any more! (Though, if what I believe is going on in this shit-box tonight gets worse... I "sense" that "must" in the air again. I've saged... and I'm out of that too... and the back door has been open for over an hour, but "something" is in the air... my throat tickles and my eyes are burning a bit. I don't smell it out-right... but it's "there". It's been a couple of wonderful days and now... it's over... I'm SICK... LITERALLY... of this shit-box! But I can't let it get to me. I MUST get off the smokes so that I can simply go for surgeries and have done with it all. WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE... NOW!)
And I'm behind in the Journals... though I did manage to get Yonah's started. There's that.
As for the rest of this grey, chill-damp day (and I'm fed-up with that shit too... and it's going above freezing again for a couple of days.... fuck)...
This morning, I DID GET THE BILLS PAID! AND TRANSFERRED MOST OF THE REST TO NY. (Hopefully it'll make it to post tomorrow...) I even paid the "AAA" for the year! And yet, with the UHC coverage of the internet bill (100% thankfully... I hope), well, there will be money in the "EP" account again, but precious little to "spare". And this house is grown sparse, between food and other supplies. NOT happy. I keep thinking of the 1000$ in "mould". But one of these days, one way or another, I'll get that back... one way or another.
So BILLS ARE CURRENT AGAIN! And oh, credit score... dropped. The loan from TNNY is off and for one score, it's down 3 and another is down 5. I give up on it all.
Then, ComVT rang. Yonah gal. Obviously she knows her position with the on-line aspect of things, but just as one would expect, she was almost patronising. And no, no resolution. "I'll have to bring this to the attention of our vendor." "Vendor"? The dip-shits who sold the banque a "package" that isn't made for the banque. Honestly... as I suggested: Take the person who's responsible for this out to the middle of the road and wait for traffic. But the chat was 45 minutes, and pleasant enough. And it ended in time for lunch.
Meanwhile, this morning, a knock on the door (they really just can't grasp door-bells). Sam. A parcel... from Petco, for Yonah! The "single" order came! (Surepost! I don't know why it didn't get upgraded as it should have been but...) The best part? THIS bag of "Supreme" is a "2025" date! SO... I swapped it for the Dec. 24 bag and Yonah's food is now FRESH! I now have TWO bags to give away. (Might run them to Deborah at some point.)
After lunch, I tried for a snooze but was too wrapped in a 3,96$ un-paid balance on the gas account so I called Avery and according to their books... my account is paid in full. Can't figure the "new computer report". Them too... "new"... "computer"... "software"... no doubt, another "package". Anyway, at least that's all OK. And after than, I got to the book-keeping to bring that up to-date... which moved into getting the 2023 receipts out of the way and... next thing was evening meal! A whole day... fucked with BS!
Meal? the last of the rice and spinach and black-eyed peas with 2 eggs... "fritatta". Filling. At least the rice had veggies. Now, there's no meat and a bag of veggies in the house... noodles... food supply (for me) is so low it's almost frightening. And FS not due for another week. Oh well... I've been worse. We'll get through this.
After meal... it was time to get to Yonah's "settling"... water, windows. But THEN we DID get to some play time with Burdie-Birdie. And I put the heating pad on the desk again... but he wasn't having it tonight.
His tuck-in was at 19.46... and for some reason, he did NOT want to settle tonight! Gave me a bit of a "run" to the shelves and such, and a "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo" when I stepped out of the room to get my pillows. Not sure what was going on but he just really seemed to NOT want to get ready for the night.
And so, now... there really IS something in the air in this shit-box. The back door is still open. I need more vinegar and Lysol spray! Maybe tomorrow. But for now... I have to get back to Yonah's journal and have ice cream and get to the futon! No mid-night tonight!
23.02 WHERE does the time go? I just don't understand it! Well.. we did well enough last night... I had to change the bulb in Yonah's desk lamp today and tonight, had to change the one in the loo. Strange... I don't recall when last I changed bulbs but it doesn't seem it was all that long ago. Anyway... there they are and thankfully I had replacements.
Need to re-fill that lower-right tooth but not tonight. Off to the futon... I'm done!
The air isn't bad... there's that much, and below-freezing temperatures tonight. "Hope".

Thursday 04 January
12.16 Another morning shot to shit. But the bills are current. I was out at about 9.30 to brush the little bit of snow on the truck and let it run. It's still squealing at start. But the tyres look "OK"... not "great" but "OK" And I let it run for almost an hour... good warm-up! Chatted with Kevin for entirely too long... and so, the morning wasted. McFuknut came in and asked about my penmanship in the card. Complilments. People are so imporessed with/by my penmanship. Imagine that. Last cigarette in the "Indian" pack. One pack of Camels left. I've had 2 this morning. Will NOT buy more1 Tough times coming. 47$ on the FS card and I NEED to get food. OH... "austerity" but I remember the days when I had nothing at all. We got through that, we'll get through this. "This too, shall pass." But YONAH has MUCH food and I'm content with that. 19.09 Getting ready to wrap the day... soft music on the lap-top... Utoob. Yonah on the heating pad beside me at the desk. (I'm recording...) The house smells of sage. Calm... The furnace is running.... WITH A NEW FILTRE !!! YES! It DID arrive today... AND was delivered to the DOOR! The other one didn't look "bad", in that, there weren't any "globs" of dust and garbage on it. But it WAS quite a "grey shade of beige". Can't imagine what managed to get through all the charcoal filtres on the in-takes, but just goes to show what kind of filth there really IS in the air in this place. Now I'm more thankful than ever that I have all this filtration going on in here! And this filtre should be good well through March! (Provided, of course, that we don't have another BURST of mould... but I've plans for that... a SPRAY of bleach and ammonia up there... next "warm spell".
The sun shone through the after-noon and at about 14.15 I BOLTED out the door and into town... banque for cash (and another 100 in the "light"... "COH"... sad to think that that 200 is relatively worthless these days, but it's there in case of something), then to get 60$ in gas... which is "down" by about 20¢ since the last time I went. Still, the gauge reads "full" but it isn't REALLY. But close enough. SHIT.
Ran to Aubuchon's looking for "Pet Lysol" spray. They had none... so to Kinney's to up-date the insurance-on-file and to get the Lysol... Next, Tops... chicken, 1 Perrys, 2 veggies and a tiny jar of sage... almost 30$! FS is down to about 20 until Tuesday-week. Oh well... And then... back to the hole by 15.15. I was total SHIT as a companion for Yonah again, today... AND... I opened the Camels in the truck on the way back... that said, I've had 4 smokes today... tomorrow... fewer!
And now... I need to get to Yonah's journal and make sure I'm not up at 23.00 again tonight. I've got THINGS to do... G's site for one... and I'm tired of "other things to do". And no time for Yonah!
Although I HAVE to say that TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW DAYS PASS SO BLOODY QUICKLY! I'M NOT SLOWER, AND I DON'T MALINGER... WHERE... IS... MY... TIME... LIFE... GOING?
22.04 Off to the futon... The house is a little "chilly" tonight... I wonder if it isn't taking the "chill" of the past few days. Well, it's January and it's been a "warm" Winter... Ah... and the oil is heading for the first quarter tank! WHERE is it going? Too quickly. I have to hold until the end of February at the very least! (And check for last year's "emergency". I believe that was almost if not in April. But...) Anyway, the furnace is running, quieter than usual, I hope the filtre is OK. It slid in this time... too easy to be proper. But there's air circulating and it's being CLEANED! So that's what matters to me... that and the no-funk... may that last... (One Bleach Bomb coming!)
Sent Deb a quick e-mail earlier, warning of the storm coming in the forecast. She sends a message just now, about some storm AND BEING BED-RIDDEN BECAUSE OF ANOTHER "VAX'! EVERY shot makes her bed-ridden... Oh well... all that shit in her system, it's a wonder she made it through her surgery. No talking sense.
Off I go. WORK tomorrow!

Friday 05 January:
20.24 and I'm only just finishing Yonah's journal entry for the day! Late... but pleased that I take this time at the end of the day to journal... with soft music playing on the lap-top, in the kitchen... at "day's end".
And again, it wasn't the day I'd thought it would be... and, it certainly hasn't ended as I'd hoped...
It started perfectly fine, at 7.34, with "morning call" in a room that had a "chill", in spite of my having closed the window a bit more last night. Then too, the temperatures out-side are getting closer to "Winter" so there's that much. I wish I could close the windows and be comfortable with them that way, but I don't dare block the circulation of fresh air in this shit-box! Even this evening, there was a bit of a time where it seemed to smell of "fumes" from the furnace again! I can't even imagine how that can be... with the filtres on all the in-takes and the NEW filtre IN the furnace down-stairs. Oh... to be out of and away from this place and the aggravation. (I saged again tonight... and oddly... it seems to have helped... again... I have to wonder what's going on in here! I don't like it. And if it IS some sort of "presence", I'm about to take more serious action. Were the "presence" benign and amicable, it would be fine. But these gusts of mustiness... the fumes... the air in general... no... Every place needs to provide security and often, we have to battle for that. So, if it's a battle needed? Let the war commence! ESPECIALLY AND PARTICULARLY WHERE THE WELFARE AND WELL-BEING OF YONAH IS CONCERNED! I TOLERATE NO INTERFERENCE WITH THAT!)
So, this morning was over-cast. And I managed a quick stop next door to chat with Kevin about (again) my mail delivery to the house. He explained the "why not" unless I put a box on a pole on the street. The protocol is so skewed. But we both got a good laugh... because it's so sad.
Also had TWO BMs this morning! Both the same: "normal". And I DO have to say that the pain from the gallbladder is decreasing considerably. I wonder if the milk thistle/silymarin has anything to do with it. What-ever it is, moving about is much easier. (Though, last night, at about 24.28, I was up and about... Post-nasal DRIP! I could FEEL it, sliding down the back of my throat, and it caused a tickle... so I HAD to get up to get cough drops and to get that "drip" out of my throat! If I sleep too flat, my chest rumbles, gurgles, wheezes... If I sleep head up, nasal drip! I wondered if there wasn't something coming BACK during the night and of course, that set my nerves off... But I managed to get back to the futon and back to sleep for the rest of the night...)
I manged to get lunch in and then decided that TODAY I'd go out to the FamDoll for those plastic totes for Yonah's food AND the plastic "dish" to put on the feeder out-side... The base of the feeder itself is so tiny that only the smallest birds can rest and eat comfortably... so I'm hoping that making it more attractive will bring others to eat. Now that the weather is getting colder, I want to make sure the Little Ones get enough nourishment!
And so, at about 14.15 I just grabbed cards and keys and headed out... We'd had lunch, I'd had a 30-minute snooze...
The truck SQUEALED when I started it but ran quite fine once on the road. I'm worried about that noise. Have to make an appointment with Vinnie to have him check the belt... again. I can't risk a break-down in Saranac Lake next month!
FamDoll had ONE plastic tote... so I figured I could work with that, grabbed it, loo roll, 2 packages of batteries, one for the thermometer in Yonah's room and the other for the "box" for the "moon light"! YAY! After, I toddled to Kinney's for paper AND THERE, got their LAST 2 TOTES for Yonah's food! And... by 15.15 I was back in the house... and put Yonah's food into the 2 totes from Kinney's and his scale and such in the other. He now has a matching set of storage totes and his foods are MORE protected in the event of any sort of shit-in-the-air in this hell-hole! As for the batteries... the thermometer is much brighter now, but the little "box" for the moon-lights... that one doesn't seem to work at all. A 3$ battery for nothing. I'd considered returning it, but thought the 3$ wasn't really worth the effort.... AH... but...
OK... so I was THRILLED with the new totes. It looks so much neater on Yonah's shelves now and there's more room for him to "explore" down there... And this morning, I'd put the chicken into the oven so this evening, that was done. I just threw some veggies into the pot on the hob and had evening meal... and THEN...
***** HELL ***** !!!!!
I entered today's shopping into the spread sheet to find OVER... BY 1,63$ !!! BAD ENOUGH TO BE OVER-DRAWN... BUT... THE RENT CHEQUE !!! SHIT! SO IN A PANIC, I WENT ON-LINE TO THE NY ACCOUNT TO SEE IF I COULD TRANSFER FROM THAT TO THE VT ACCOUNT... SET IT UP ONLY TO FIND... 3 BUSINESS DAYS! THOSE "TEST TRANSACTIONS" TO VERIFY THE OTHER ACCOUNT !!! 3 BUSINESS DAYS! TODAY IS FRIDAY! SHIT! FUCK ME! I CALLED VT... AND THE CHARMING LITTLE LADY SAID "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO?" I INTIMATED THAT I NEED TO HAVE THAT CHEQUE PAID. "DO YOU HAVE OVER-DRAFT?" I DIDN'T KNOW... SHE CHECKED... I DON'T ! AND I HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE TO SIGN PAPERS TO HAVE IT! FUCK ME! I CHECKED THE BRANCHES... 90 MILES AND OVER AN HOUR TO ENOSBURG... 110 MILES AND 2 HOURS TO ANOTHER BRANCH! MILES! HOURS! GAS! WEAR ON THE TRUCK! WHAT THE ACTUAL WORLDLY FUCK? SO I LEFT IT AT THAT UNTIL...
THE BATTERY! I CALLED FAMDOLL... THEY'LL REVERSE THE CHARGE ON THE CARD AT THE REGISTRE WHEN I RETURN IT! SO... TOMORROW MORNING... SHABBAT... GOD WILL FORGIVE... I HAVE TO BE THERE AND HOPE THE REVERSAL GOES THROUGH BEFORE THE CHARGE FOR SKYPE ON THE 11th! THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL OVER-DRAW THE ACCOUNT! TIME! TIME! AGAIN... TIME! BUT... AT LEAST THERE'S SOMETHING I CAN DO! I'LL JUST HAVE TO HOPE THE RENT CHEQUE PRESENTS BEFORE THE 11th! BUT "ALL" IS NOT LOST... YET! AH... NICE START TO AN OTHER-WISE DIFFICULT YEAR AHEAD. HEY! SLAM ME NOW WITH ALL YOU'VE GOT AND THEN LET ME REST!
Anyway... it's 20.56... soft music playing... I've SMOKED ENTIRELY TOO MUCH AND WHEN THIS PACK IS DONE... SO TOO, AM I, WITH IT ALL! NO MORE BUYING AND I WILL NOT BUY-BACK FROM DAN! NO! I MUST STOP! FOR THE SURGERIES! But this start to the year... I'm 8 smokes in already for today! FUCK!
But Yonah's place is looking quite nice and his foods are protected. Yonah is ALL that really matters in Creation!
And he's tucked-in for the night...
Oddly though, this evening, the furnace was giving a bit of a "fume" again... I can't imagine HOW! And the house had a bit of a "chill" to it. I had to put the thermostat up to 72F... and the damned furnace kept running! OIL! I put the thermostat down to 60F and it finally stopped running... and now, I'm feeling the "coolness" on my legs... off to re-set the thermostat lest we wake tomorrow... FROZED!
I look int the fridge... it's so empty. More FS on Tuesday but 10$ less now. Fuckers. The bar on the freezer door needs repair... more drilling and bolts. I despair. But... this too shall pass... and the Winter season will pass, people will relocate... new housing opportunities will open... and come April... perhaps... Willsboro... we shall see. I still have to take a run up there to check it out. I have doubts... Leanne just made it sound too "cutesy"... all tenants being like "family"... Well... I MUST get there to have a look at the place... and still hold hope for Saranac Lake... or environs. Hey! When I go up for the urology and CT I can inquire at the hospital... Network!
This too... shall pass... after all... I SO wanted to live in Rochambeau... and New Russia... May the gods not have forsaken... yet.
Time for ice cream and futon. Tomorrow... is tomorrow... and we'll take hold of that then.
22.37

Saturday 06 January:
15.43 ALREADY! It's not as though I've been "wasting time" through the day, but DAMN! The hours pass so damned quickly! And I've only just caught-up with Yonah's Journal! OK, so I did manage to get the futon re-re-re-re-done (the canvas keeps falling and when I woke this morning, well... it was annoying... "this morning"... and WHAT a "this morning" THIS was...)
So let's see how far I can get with this before it's time to break for "dinner"... ALREADY! (Oh... one Camel left at the moment... AND THERE'S THE DAMNED FUCKING BLOODY SCENT OF MUST IN THE AIR AGAIN... AFTER A COUPLE OF DAYS OF "CLEAN" AIR! WHAT THE FUCK? Although, I'm at a point where I truly AM questioning... is it HERE or is it ME? Yeah... this shit has me teetering... off the edge of "sanity"... WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!)
So... let's see how much of this I can get done in the time before "meal"...
From the notes jotted this morning...
7.26 (from Yonah's Jouornal because, well THIS is how the morning actually started from last night... and I'm STILL - at 15.49 - PISSED... wondering what disturbed him last night...)
At about 22.30 I was turning the lights off in the kitchen, ready to settle for the night when, from Yonah's room I heard the softest, "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo"... He'd been quiet all the while since "tuck-in"! He doesn't usually wake, even when I get under the covers and whisper "Good seepie-nigh-night my Love. You're warm and toasty, safe and sound... and I LOVE you." So when I hear him calling even before I've gotten into the room... I was frightened!
I waited to see if there would be another call and sure enough, some seconds later came another, equally soft "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo". I called to tell him "I'm just coming, my Love... It's OK." though I was frightened, more-so when a THIRD call came! And all were "soft", not loud or "forceful".
I turned the kitchen lights off and went into Yonah's room where the little "moon light" was still on. I put the other moon light on to give more light in the room but nothing too bright. I didn't want to make the situation any the worse by startling him with bright lights.
As I made my way over to open the door to his house, he started the softest "perch coo's"... repeatedly. I couldn't tell for certain (as I never can) but it seemed he was "consoled", knowing that I was in the room and that was his way of letting me know. But the coo's repeated... even as I opened his door, softly telling him that I was here, with him, and that all was OK... he was safe.
When I leaned my face in, as I do in the morning, to give him some "comforting kisses", he gently but repeatedly pecked at my face... similar to his "Good morning kisses"; as if he were relieved to know that I was there with him and that he wasn't alone! It was heart-breaking!
I reached in, picked him up in my cupped hands. He made no fuss, as he'll often do. He wanted to be held, so it seemed. Something had startled him and I had to wonder...
Did he have a dream that woke him? Do doves/birds "dream"?
As I do, often before his tuck-in, I held him under my chin and he "nestled", calmly. Obviously he felt safe, secure there. It's a "familiar" place to him now and though he's not fond of being "cuddled" for any length of time, this time he seemed to appreciate it. So, I held him there, whispering that he was safe, that there's nothing to be afraid of, and that I'm coming in and we're going to sleep together... "You're not alone. I'm right here. I'll be right here on the futon... right here."
I brought him over to the futon and sat there with him tucked under my chin... he was so comfy!
When he started to wriggle, letting me know that the "snuggle-time" was enough, I opened my hands and HE TOOK FLIGHT, IN THE DIM LIGHT OF THE ROOM! I didn't move, not wanting to distract him AND IN THE DIM LIGHT, HE MANAGED TO MAKE HIS WAY BACK TO HIS HOUSE! TO HIS DOOR! So I went over, picked him up and brought him over to his perch again and he hopped, quietly, over to it. He wasn't really ready to re-settled though, and hopped about to the other perch there, and then toddled to his loft and back again... for more kisses! AND, as I gave him more kisses, he coo'ed again... "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo". At least THIS time was longer, closer to a "song" than a "statement" or call. It gave me a little assurance that he was getting over what-ever had awakened him. So, I resolved to leave the two moon lights on, at least for a while, and I set the futon in reverse for me: my head at "his end", so that I could look up and see him, and he could look down and see me, where I usually "snooze" during the day. I hoped it would give him a better sense of security, being able to see my face when he looked down from his perch.
All of this must have gone on for about 30 minutes, if not a bit longer. AND, when I DID get to the futon and under the covers, he "perch-coo'ed" again... but ever-so-softly! I answered his "woo-HOO" with "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo", and he repeated the perch-coo... so I got back up, opened the door to his house, leaned in and gave him more kisses, softly telling him "Do you know how late it is? ALL the birdies are seepie-nigh-night now. You need to get YOUR seepie-nigh-night too... you need to get enough rest. I'm right here. We'll get our rest together. OK?" That seemed to be "acceptable" so I re-closed his door and went back to the futon when, again, as I got under the covers...
another "woo-HOO"... And I answered, from the futon, and each time for a few "rounds" until I replied with "woo-HOO"... and he settled. Apparently, my "perch-coo" was his assurance that everything was, at last, calm, settled, and safe for him to rest for the night...
It must have been well past 23.30 when we both finally got to settle-in for the night... I left one moon light on so that Yonah had enough light to see me on the futon, but not so much as to keep him awake... and we both drifted off to sleep... (and for the first moments, I kept watch of the little silhouette above me, making sure that my little Heart-and-Soul was calm).
I woke again at about 3.30 this morning and had to "visit the loo" and when I got back, I turned the moon light off and... managed to get back onto the futon, under the covers and drifted off to sleep...
THAT recorded (copy/paste of course)... This morning, probably because I was situated on the futon for "left-side sleeping" which usually brings odd dreams, I woke from a dream when, as will sometimes happen, in my sleep, I begin to wake and realise that I'm dreaming, and that the dream is becoming impossible and annoying and if I don't stop it now, it's only going to get worse...:
DREAM:
The whole dream was in the usual "over-all darkness" of my dreams... like a heavily over-cast day, and though, in colour, always "washed" in that same "steel-grey" of clouds.
There was something before what I can remember, but I'm not sure what it was. And even this morning, as I jotted notes on it, I still couldn't recall the "prelogue", as it were... so...
It took place on a cruise ship. I was on it with a group of "people" whom I knew... "friends", one might call them (though I wouldn't, honestly). I don't know HOW I managed to get on the cruise because, well, I wasn't working, and had no income nor any money of my own. In fact, I'd just been told to leave home by "mother" and was, for the most part, on my own. I DID have a flat that I truly hated, and had gotten it by putting my every cent into the first month's rent (SO FAMILIAR to reality in my life-time), but the month was coming to an end and I was, for all intent and purpose... "homeless". None-the-less, there I was, wandering about this ship where I had a cabin/room, though, where it was was, through the dream, not quite certain.
I'd brought along one "bag" of sorts... a "tote", really, of all my belongings and some-how, somebody else was handling it, so I didn't have it with me at all! And I was so busy trying to find the room where I was expected to stay. It seemed the ship was extremely large, hallways and corridors made no sense, people were coming and going and I was separated from those I was supposed to be with. I was annoyed, more than anything else, because there was no-one to ask about the room (particularly because I hadn't paid passage and didn't know who knew that... and I wasn't really certain that anybody else had paid either... it was as though I'd boarded the ship before it departed and was, technically, a "stow-away", though some-how I knew that wasn't the case.)
There was a "group" with-in the "group" I was "associated with"... about 4 or 5 rather young (early 20s at eldest), truly quite "faggie" sorts who were running about the ship, almost dancing, and giggling. They TOO, truly annoyed me! And they were roaming in and out of the open rooms/cabins... THAT aspect was almost like the old "baths"...) At one point, I'd ventured into a room where they were literally ransacking the place. There was clothing, everything from shirts and blouses to "lacy gloves" and footwear. Generally, it resembled a "lost and found" room... and the group were helping themselves to what-ever they could grab and hold! As much as it annoyed me, I thought: I have NOTHING now... I wonder if there's a room with "men's" items in it? And I headed along the corridor in search of that room, sure that there would be one. I happened to pass by one where there were boots, jeans and shirts, but thought that, now that I know it's there, I'll come back after I find my room, and went on along the corridors.
I kept walking through all sorts of corridors, passing rooms, never seeing anybody I knew, none of the group I was supposed to be with. I was starting to feel lost, abandoned. I knew the rest of them didn't really want me to be with them. I was, as in child-hood life, a "5th wheel sort", not knowing why they even bothered to bring me along but that they were happier that I wasn't actually with them.
Turning a corner, I found myself in a crowded room, with complete strangers. I had NO idea who ANY of them were and the feeling of being "lost" was becoming all the stronger. I wondered if I'd EVER see ANYBODY I even remotely knew... EVER... or, at least for the duration of this "cruise". And I started wondering how long the cruise was going to be, where we were going. I had NO clue about ANY of the particulars of ANY aspect of the entire situation. Lost... alone... literally, on a boat full of strangers now.
Well! I some-how found myself in a dreary, small room. It was "old", rather not clean. The walls were a pale-but-dirty, washed-out blue colour. It was dark. One small bed with obviously old linens and spread on it. There was a guy in the room who had a small suitcase, the old fashioned sort, "cardboard", as it were. He said it was mine.
Relieved that I had my few belongings again, I put the luggage on the old bed and opened it. There were odds and ends of "stuff" in it, disparate items. A few pairs of mis-matched socks, some old underpants, a tissue and a pale blue (again... pale blue) bottle of some sort of cologne. And the bottle leaked! The sprayer was stuck and it kept "dribbling" cologne... into the valise and onto the items in it. I couldn't get the bottle to stop leaking and the cologne was obviously old... smelled to strong and only barely resembled what it was supposed to smell like. And it spilled on me too... so I felt I needed to wash it off... I needed a shower! I headed out of the room to find the showers (because the room didn't have one and I knew I had to use the "communal"... my room didn't come with private bath... and I couldn't complain because I hadn't paid for it).
The corridors were really quite dark and they were cement... walls, ceilings, floors, and as I moved along, they were suddenly full of knee-deep water. Other people were walking around, and it was all as though it was expected, normal. I arrived at a place where the main corridor branched off... it was the "laundry" where there were washers and dryers, the "linen service" for the ship. All the people here were "workers" in the laundry service. Nobody paid any attention to me so I kept walking. I was thinking that since there was so much water on the floors and here was the laundry, there must be plumbing and so, I must be getting to the "showers" area. As I walked, thinking about all the water in the corridors and all the people ignoring it, two guys in t-shirts came by and one commented to the other, referring to the water: "I told you about Diwali," He was complaining about all the people on the ship and all the water. I continued on until, at last, I reached a place where there were steps and at the top of them... shower rooms... large rooms with shower heads.
As I stepped up, George (Lortie) was there. He smiled when he saw me and I asked if this is where we were expected to shower. He confirmed that it was. "Nice ship, eh?" he asked, and before I could answer, he noticed Anna at some distance and left to be with her... they disappeared into the crowd of people who were just walking about.
I stepped up to get to the shower... and was going to take one, and wash the clothes I was wearing as I showered. There was a bar of "old" soap there and I got it and started to use it when I noticed my hair. For some reason, I was "wearing" "Adiran's" hair (Adrian from the New School!). We'd exchanged hair, some-how and now, my head was, at the top, black, long, "tube curls", and as I washed it, the sides were much shorter and blondish. I panicked, thinking the sides were dyed and the dye was washing off and I'd ruined Adrian's hair! And, all the while, I was trying to "wash" me, still clothed, with a cake of dried-out old soap! I kept washing, making little lather, and rinsed and headed out of the shower feeling really no cleaner for the experience, but the cologne was gone and I was slightly cleaner, or so I felt so.
Stepping out of the "shower" area, happened upon an older man I some-how knew from having spoken with earlier (though I didn't in the dream... I just happened to "know" him at the moment). "Have I missed dinner (already)?" I asked him. I was hoping I had done, though I was so hungry at the moment. I was thinking "I'm waiting for the dinner-part of this trip to be done and this thing will be over." He answered "Somebody missed dinner on a previous cruise and had to be assisted off the ship." (I understood the person starved to death. I didn't care... in fact, I was rather looking forward to following the same fate.)
The fellow left and I walked on to an area that was an out-side garden where I met a short woman who some-how resembled Sandy Toksvig. Her name was "Sally". I knew her from some-where else and was rather relived to see her here. We started to talk about the cruise and "things in general" and I said "Well, I can't say why I'm looking forward to this being over since, when we dock again, I have no-where to go to. I've been thrown out of the house." (By my mother... we both knew.) Sally just began to SOB... LOUDLY and HARD! She was in such despair at the news of my situation! As she sobbed, I grew anxious, worried that she'd annoy the others and I really didn't want anybody to know that I was, for all intent and purpose, completely homeless. I remotely oped that somebody would take heart and take me in when we docked, but I just didn't want anybody to know at that moment... and...
that was the point in the dream when I started to understand that I was asleep and that the dream was becoming "oppressive" and that the only way "out" was to wake up! And... so I did... THANKFULLY!
There's just too much to actually "work with" in this one. I'm just going to leave it as "sleeping on the left side"... the "particulars" I'm sure, are associated with SO much but....
(It's taken me until 17.10 to get the damned dream recorded... and Yonah is now having supper... time for me to do like-wise!)
18.37 Transferred all the images from the phone to the lap-top AND to a SeaGate (because there's no trusting this lap-top any more.
AND... JUST FINISHED THE LAST CAMEL THAT I'VE BEEN "NURSING"... HERE WE GO! LET'S SEE HOW THIS WORKS OUT. (There are 2 "Players" in the fridge. Image? All these years? But there's no other back-ups... Not sure if I'll do it this time but... we're about to find out. I already dread bed-time and tomorrow.)
Moving along... SO, I was SO anxious to get up and get back to FamDoll this morning to get that "refund" posted. I KNOW it doesn't go through as quickly as a purchase, and I seriously doubt it'll even start before Monday, but, I stepped out in my jammies to start the truck. IT SQUEALED! of course... and I let it run whilst I dressed... well... threw clothes on. When I pulled out of the drive, there was a slight "squeal" all the way to the store. On Monday, I'll put in a call to have Vinnie look at it. Saranac Lake... UP THE MOUNTAINS... I can't afford to have anything "snap" up there! As I say: money in the banque and taking care of trying to dodge an over-draft... Mustn't allow THAT much to go well. Let's have a terrible expense on the truck now! New year... and all. Fuck.
Anyway... Casey was at the store and the transaction went right through... receipt and all! YAY! For as good as is it. And we chatted, and the truck ran to warm up and... by 9.52 I WAS BACK! Later than I'd've liked but... before noon anyway.
And in today's post: ANOTHER UHC CARD! AND THE SOC.SEC. TAX FORM! So, I IMMEDIATELY "activated" THIS new UHC card (for all it means) and then got the 2023 1040 and instructions on-line and looked to see how much "they" expected to pull from me... IMAGINE THIS: THE CALCULATION FOR "TAXABLE" IS 50% OF THE ANNUAL! IT CAME TO 7530! YES! 7.530,00$! EVEN ON THAT... FOR SOMEBODY WHO'S ENTIRE INCOME WAS ONLY THAT... 753 DUE IN TAXES! MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE SHIT! But, after the "standard deductions... ZIP is due. So, another year goes by and I'm fine. I'd file just for the shits of it but... haven't done in 6 years... if I do now... BANG! They'll find a bill with my name on it and I'm DONE! So... I'll just move along... annoyed. As I thought: I daren't say what I wish for these thieves... especially since the money goes to fund illegal invaders these days. I'll be damned (more than already).
Well, after all that, it was 14.30 when I finally got to JUST settling for the day! JUST....
HAD to pull the futon apart again to "adjust" it all and now the fucking shit-box has that "musty stench" and I can't figure out where it's coming from! And there's the scent of "fuel" from the furnace again! I despair! I truly do! And ONE Camel left in the house... and I'm in NO condition/position to drop them now. (Excuses? I don't know. But when that stench comes, my body immediately goes berserk! WE NEED OUT OF HERE!)
Meanwhile, this morning's refund isn't appearing on the VT site. Truly time to get the fuck out of that banque... But the only one that I was considering is "Bloody Liberal"! Oh... just fuck...
On with the rest of this day...
And now... 18.51... Yonah on the heating pad, preening after a splash in the pool... no music (yet), no sound but the furnace... and the air? Well, I saged earlier and sprayed the ceiling so it's "OK". My nose is annoying so there's something in the air, but when I worked on the futon today, I hoovered the intake filtre in Yonah's alcove because... IT NEEDED IT! Yeah... something in the air in this place.
We've had our meals... and now, 'tis water-relay time! (And journals are caught up for the day... and I did nothing on G's or any of the other work I need to do... AND... I HAVE to look into lap-tops. Found a couple "Acers" for under or just over 500... If Amy Zoon will do a "payment"... I'll order one. There's too much at risk at this juncture... wills, medical... banquing... too much. AND these journals... and the web-sites! I don't WANT another round of "payments" but... we shall see.
(Most important right now... getting through the next bouts of wanting a smoke! BUT... MUST do this... for YONAH!)
OH OH OH... THE SPECTRUM PAYMENT IS CONFIRMED... NOTHING DUE! YAY! (and I STILL managed to over-draw the fucking account...)
19.54 Yonah is tucked in. I've had a drag from ONE "Players". It was STRONG! Almost harsh. I had it at the kitchen basin so I can just barely smell the Canadian tobacco. Imagine... over 5 years from since I've been in Québec. And with things as they are these days, politically, I think of QC as I do NYC: they're gone. Neither is as it was. QC is much worse than it ever was. I want to keep both places in my memories now... and not have them too, destroyed. Anyway... that soft music is playing on the lap-top and things are still and settled. The local météo claims it's snowing. Perhaps it is, higher up, but here, not yet. I don't expect we'll get the horrific snows that are threatened. It's -6° though... and that's good. Though the shit-box has taken the chill of the past few days and it's obvious in that it's not warming up. Oh well... "Emergency oil" again, this year. I don't care. I worked for these little "bones"... there are those who didn't but benefit from the toil of others. I'll take what I can get now... I can't care any more. I just can't.
As long as I can provide for Yonah... that's all that matters. And tonight, again, he took a beautiful splash in his pool! Out-side the waters of the brooks and rivers are freezing and frozen, the temperatures are quite cold. How I wish I could bring ALL the birds out there, in here... especially for the night, but... Yonah is warm, safe, clean house, clear water to drink, food to eat... He deserves so much more... but he's healed from his wounds and now... he'll not have to worry about such things again... as long as he takes breath (because as long as he takes breath, I will too...)
I've set the futon as I did... "right-side sleeping" for tonight... No more of those ridiculous dreams...
20.07 The state plough just came by and I looked out... in the past 303 minutes... there's a delightful "cover of white"out there.
21.40 and before I finish that 1 Players... off to the futon. It's still snowing... ever-so lightly.
E-mail from Deb... OH! The DRAMA over the snow! "Julio will have to..." "They say it's wet and heavy..." and sends me some "TikTok Plattsburgh group" link for a plumber... "TikTok"? Hardly. Anyway... not acknowledging.
Hoping for fresh air, warmth tonight... Yonah's been quiet... let's hope... MOST CHERISH, PRECIOUS BLESSING!

Sunday 07 January:
15.16.... and I'm only JUST getting to the Journals again, today! AND, just back from Dan's... I've brought a pack of smokes back with... Yes... I'm half through the last of the "Players" and... this is not working well. But I've resolved... only smoke a couple of drags... NO MORE... and NOT incessantly. I was doing well until I went out to shovel the snow off the truck... Not that I felt the "need", but... between pissing the morning away "shopping" for a damned lap-top, and thinking that I NEED work on the truck (which was confirmed when I started it as I cleaned the snow off... SQUEAL!!!) AND, no doubt, that's a "belt" job which will be at LEAST several 100$... and there's tyres... the cost of the lap-top... if I could, would be payments to Amba zoom, and not on the "card"... but on the card would mean it would bring the total on that down... and I just can't do that. That's Yonah's medical or other needs... NOT MINE! There's all of about 300 in the NY account... AND I HAVE TO RENEW THE WEB-SITE HOSTING THIS MARCH... AND THAT'S... 300$ AT LEAST! ANYWAY... and mean-while... I HAVE gotten Yonah's Journal entry for this morning... and it includes the DREAM he woke me from so... "copy/paste" and we're current... just in time for the "end of the day"... another day... pissed away... I'd "resolved" to a schedule:
9-10.00: Yonah's Journal, 10-11.00 This Jouranal, 11-12.00 WEB-SITE WORK... WELL? Day 1... and fucked already... so we set sights on tomorrow? (FUCK!)
Yonah's Journal
WHAT a morning THIS was! "Morning call" at 7.40 with a hearty "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo" and we had a couple of "chatty exchanges" before the "final woo-Hoo!". But over-all, a REALLY "conversational" start to a day where, when we opened blinds and curtains, the world out-side was quite nicely covered in our first "real" snow of the entire 2023-2024 season!
Honestly, this morning's conversation was unusually more than any others that I can recall. Seems my little Heart-and-Soul got a GREAT night's rest and REALLY was feeling VERY well! And KISSES this morning? SO MANY KISSES when I looked in, as I do every morning. And I have to say that this was SO appreciated because Yonah woke me out of a dream... about HIM:
In the dream, I was doing some cleaning-up in a two-vehicle, "attached" garage... typical "sub-urban style". The garage was really orderly and clean, but it was a clear day and I'd decided that "organising" was in order. The main garage door was open, completely, and there was a door to the house that was open as well. And that door to the house is where the "trouble" began...
A neighbour had come by and stopped to chat for a while and as we talked, suddenly... YONAH CAME FLYING OUT OF THE HOUSE AND CAME TO MY SHOULDER! I FROZE, FEARING THAT ANY MOVEMENT WOULD CAUSE HIM TO FLY AWAY AND OUT THE GARAGE DOOR! WELL... EXACTLY WHAT I FEARED HAPPENED AND HE GAVE ME A COUPLE OF PECKS ON THE CHEEK AND OFF HE WENT, OUT OF THE GARAGE AND INTO THE OPEN WORLD!
I couldn't move, my chest tightened, and, on the verge of just breaking into sobs, I thought: I wonder if he'll go out there, look around and come back... He knows his house is here, with food and water and the comforts he's come to "know"... but will he "understand" that or, will he just keep flying... because now, there's no limit to where he can go?
I didn't want to go after him, fearing that, the closer I got, the farther from me he'd go. But I called to him: "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo"... "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo"... He alighted on a shrub just out-side the garage door and as he did (as can happen in dreams....) the "season" changed from Summer to Winter... everything out there was covered in snow and that's where the dream changed...
Apparently, Yonah saw the snow and standing in it was uncomfortable enough to "bring him back" into the garage. He came flying back and back to my shoulder... gave me MORE pecks on the cheeck and stood there, staring at me.
Almost relieved, because he was back in the garage and back "home", I spoke, softly, to him, about the snow, the cold, the "open world out there". "What do you think of THAT out there? Hugerer than your house, but WOW... so many things out there that we don't know about. But here you are, back where you're safe and..." I was feeling comforted that he was content on my shoulder, he was back, and was just thinking that I needed to walk farther into the garage and closer to the house door so that we could close the garage when...
"Morning call" woke me from my dream! When I heard it and opened my eyes to see my Heart-and-Soul safe in his house, I almost cried! That dream was one of my most horrific thoughts: that somebody would open a door to this house and Yonah would head out! Or I'd step out and not properly close the door behind me and... a breeze would open it and Yonah would head for the open world.
It's not that I want him "entrapped" in the house, but at this juncture, I don't know if he'd be able to survive "out there"... There's the matter of fact that there are NO mourning doves in the area (for reasons still un-known) to teach him where to find food, water, shelter. There's also the matter of the bitter cold nights and the rains (or today... snows) that he's not had to experience for, at least 3 years. AND... predators! Hawks, eagles, ravens... the local domestic cats... AND PEOPLE... HUMANS! He's gotten rather accustomed to humans and truth is, not all humans are of the calibre or have the capacity to care for and/or about THIS little bundle of LOVE, much less, ANY Little One "of the wild". I DREAD the notion of him being out there and deciding to head for the nearest human, thinking they'd have shelter and food.
Anyway... thankfully, this morning, we were together, safe in "our" room ("his" room) and from the looks of things, he'd had a calm night... and from the sound of things, he was well-rested and in GREAT spirits and health!
So... as said, we had a considerable snow-fall during the day which made it all just perfect for the two of us to "hunker"... and I made morning coffee and brought it into Yonah's room, set the lap-top up for a little "shopping", turned the radio on and... we spent the morning together and the world out-side was buried under what, by about noon, accumulated to a hefty 25cm or more (based on what had accumulated on the back of the truck). It was beautiful to see.
BUT, what was truly AMAZING... YONAH WAS SO FULL OF ENERGY ALL MORNING! As I sat at the desk, he flew ALL OVER the place! And several times, he came back into the room, from the living-room, with a twig or leaf from one of the plants out there, flew over to his loft and, after "showing" his acquisition to the reflection in the mirror there, placed it, strategically... as he does. It not THAT he did all this today, it's the number of times! AND, twice, he placed a twig or something in the loft and came over to me, landed on my shoulder and pecked at my face, and when I looked over (to give him kisses), he straightened up and stared at me as if to say "See what I'm accomplishing today?" SO PROUD of himself! (To be honest, I'm STILL, as I type this, PROUD of him too... the energy, ambition and the fact that he wanted to be so active today! Does my old heart a world of good, knowing that he's got that energy and ambition to be so active!)
At noon, we both had our lunches and I stepped out after, to clear the snow from the truck. I left the inside door open and, of course, the screen door, closed. But, all the while I was out in the drive, I kept looking at the door... listening for "wings" or ANY sound. Last night's dream weighed on my mind and the reason i left the door open in the first place was because I didn't want my Little Guy "closed in" where I could see him. Happy to report... Yonah kept busy with his "nesting", as I kept busy with the snow-clearance.
A "Winter" day, in our mountains... "busy".
And there, at 15.26... we have it. Now... "G's List" playing on the iPod... Yonah nest-building... I've nothing for after meal this evening, one more serving of ice cream... and i DO believe I could stand a shower... Do I care about ANY of it? Nope... Can't.
20.19 Gordon Lightfoot on the lap-top... "If You Could Read My Mind"... because as I typed Yonah's journal entry for this evening, the lyrics of "Song For A Winter's Night" came to mind and, well... Utoob it was and is... and out-side, the snows have stopped, and now they wait for the temperatures to rise again and by tomorrow at this time... gone... again... "Winter"... the world is wrong... just wrong.
And if all else isn't bad enough, they're starting that "mandatory masking" bull-shit again... in hospitals! Thankfully, the gallbladder isn't giving me the trouble it did... I wonder if the silymarin isn't doing something in there. (Now, if I could find something to do the same with the lungs... and prostate... and what-ever else is fucked up.) So now, decision: but if it becomes necessary for me to be around for Yonah... I'll go... hatefully.
And Yonah was tucked-in at 19.30 this evening... He was already on his perch at 19.20! Hurt me to the core to leave him there tonight... and so... now... it's time for ice cream... (the last portion in the one container... none for tomorrow unless I hit the "reserve" in the "holiday" container... but at the rate I'm going with the smoking... )
And yes, there's chicken in the fridge but not much in the way of veggies... and that bag of noodles I'd gotten is almost gone. The "food supply" in this house is horrific... but then, the fridge is fucking up too so... All said though, I really DO appreciate my years of having * ABSOLUTE NOTHING * ... these days where there's "something", no matter how little, are better than those days of NOTHING.
Oh... earlier this evening, Brady came across the road with his snow blower... and... cleared the ramp at the PO and made nice and neat along t he railing... and did nothing for the front porch here. These people... hypocrites and hateful... oh well... As I think: I'm not as nasty as they tell... and they've EVER even TRIED to get to know me so... fukkem... fukkemall...
Time to get this day wrapped. Tomorrow? Nose to business !!! And a call to Vinnie about the "banshee under the hood" in the truck!
21.28 Had ANOTHER smoke... light snow falling but is expected to end tonight... no doubt, ice on the road tonight... possibly tomorrow.
I commented on the absence of PAIN from the gallbladder earlier... the gallbladder "woke up" and realised it's supposed to be painful... dull, but there it is.
Tomorrow... call Vinnie about the "banshee" and HOPE he'll have time to check it. Oh well... New year... new shit of the old sort.. Time to wrap... (21.43 AGAIN!)

Monday 08 December:
5.41 I'm up... well... up and about and dressed, and i can't say why, other than, I was up at 1.28 to pee, was almost awake enough to stay up then, but didn't and then laid on the futon, after having what amounted to a "doze"... and decided to look at the clock. So I got up, looked at the clock, saw that the time was 5.09, thought about going back to the futon and as I thought about it, I put the kettle on and am not dressed, coffee at hand.
Snow's still on the ground and t the end of the front porch. There wasn't much more through the night. The town plough just went up the Hill and the main is rather clear but I might imagine there's ice out there. Not my concern. I've no business out there today. I've WORK to GET CAUGHT UP right here... and we shall see how much of THAT I actually accomplish. Ah... the days... up at 4.30, I could clean a house, 2 basins of laundry, write, by hand, a page and a half of correspondence, shower and get to work by 9.00. These days? I can't figure out how to fit putting the kettle on in a day... before it's time to get back to sleep.
Oh... this morning? Because I mentioned the gallbladder? Yeah... Pain. "Wasn't it me who said that nothing good's gonna last forever?" (Didn't we run....?) (Fuck)
One thing that truly bothers me is that I woke from a "Dreamlette" last night and it's bothering me, that I've dreamt of Yonah 2 nights in a row and this one, though extremely brief, hits deep:
We were in his room, all was well, and he was hopping and flying about but I happened to notice that his feathers were remarkably "dull". And it looked as though he was shedding them, all over... head, back, torso... His tail feathers were almost gone... It was as though he was going through a drastic moulting! He had energy and such, but it was the feathers... and I was about to become sickeningly worried when I woke...
I don't like this! I do NOT want him to "suffer" from ANY illness! I don't know what I'll do... other than, I was thinking of doubling the milk thistle and Bene-bac this month... I don't like this... at all! And it had better NOT have anything to do with "conditions" in this shit-box! If so... there'll be no shit-box on this corner when we're both out of here! I'm done with the playing of games!
For now... let's see how the day goes and how he is when he wakes....
9.36 We're "awake"... and the sky is blue, the ground is WHITE... there's a breeze blowing out there... Yonah called this morning at 7.27... and "things" looked OK. He was chatty, kissie... and now he's on the wall shelf as I sit at his desk, typing. I'm still concerned about him though... he's "fluffing"... not drastically. Other people wouldn't notice but I do! (He's just come to the desk shelf... to "preen"...)
We got the morning routine done, I went to the loo and at about 8.30, I had a lie-down... until I was "notified"... by a "visit"... 8.57... time to get up (before the 9.00 alarm).
Kevin is at the PO. The breeze out there is blowing the snow off the trees and through the air. The sun is BRILLIANT... and the temperature in Yonah's room is 23. I put the milk thistle and fresh food in his dish this morning... Now... to watch... and, of course... worry.
17.32 Evening meal (for what it's worth) is done and so too... the washing-up. For "dessert", I schmeared half a bagel (ick) with peanut-butter and chocolate syrup and the peanut-butter is sticking in my chest. But... there's something in the tummy tonight.
NYSEG rang with a "Customer Warning" about tomorrow... apparently, "heavy snow" and winds... How charming! (And just now: "PLINK"... meter reading due. HAH! And I was just thinking about that, especially since I have to run the damned furnace now, hoping to warm the house in case of outage tomorrow. FUCK! (The balance of the "UHC Card" will be going to the electric bill this month. I'm thankful I have that now.
And today, I manged to call ADK HEALTH... all I need do for the next scrip is call them (or post a request on-line) for a re-fill! YAY!
AND... GOT TO RING EV! SHE'S GOING HOME MONDAY-WEEK! BUT THE CONNECTION WAS COMPLETE SHIT ON THE HOUSE-PHONE! THERE'S SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG WITH THIS LAND-LINE! NOW I WONDER WHAT 911 WOULD BE LIKE, WERE I IN NEED. If I can, I'll contact Spectrum tomorrow and "enquire"... fucking bull-shit... these thieving imbeciles!
Nothing in today's post... thankfully...
AND THE G's WEB-SITE IS CURRENT AT LAST! NEW "HOME", COMMEMORATING THE "QUINQUAGENARY" (50th Anniversary). New entry on the Blog... AND NEW AERIAL PHOTOS OF THE LAND! That was a bit of a "shake" when I looked for it. The "Global" view has the lot as it was... the house, the road... BUT... the regular "maps" page... THE ENTRANCE IS FENCED AND THERE ARE SIGNS OF SOME SORT PROHIBITING ENTRY! So, even IF I wanted to go "visit"... looks like there's no way... though, the house is still up there so... Not that I'm about to drive down any time soon. BUT WHAT A RELIEF... I CODED, MODIFIED IMAGES AND UP-LOADED THE PAGES AND IMAGES... AND POSTED TO THE "FORUM". Now, let's see if there's any response... I DO wonder how many of "us" are still alive... not to mention if anybody else even remembers G's these days... But the site is there, active... alive... I'm consoled.
Rang the garage this morning, chatted with Kim... Appointment for Tuesday-week at 8.00 (in the MORNING!). Here we go! No "shopping" until then (and I DO need a lap-top!) But...
OH OH OH OH and OH! The VT account is now "connected" with the NY account so I can transfer funds TO VT now... AND THE REFUND... POSTED TODAY! I'm NOT over-drawn! RELIEF!
The sad part of the day: I got NO time with Yonah who is on the desk shelf now... He's been calm all day... and I'm worried... He doesn't look/appear in "poor health" but I'm sure he notices that I've been occupied all day... and I feel shitty about it. Well... looks like we'll have tomorrow and Wednesday together though... IF we get the "storm"... But no matter... we WILL have the time together. WE WILL...!!!
And I DESPERATELY NEED A SHOWER tonight! My body is exuding an ODOUR! Time to wash! Especially if there's no power and water tomorrow!
For now... caught-up... but I still have these Journals to work on... and now, with the site done...
(Worst news: smoking today... FUCK ME!)
20.30 I'm SHOWERED... thoroughly. I grabbed a shower whilst Yonah "lounged" on the heating pad with Beanie-, Bustelo- and Baby-Birdies. When I'd done, I went in and lifted him to his food shelf in case he wanted to nosh before tucking-in and he ATE! I was SO relieved to see him EAT! (I'd shaken the food so the milk thistle must have settled and the food tasted better.) BUT TONIGHT... MORE AMAZEMENT: WHEN HE'D DONE EATING, I WONDERED IF HE WANTED TO DRINK AND WAS WORRIED THAT, WITH THAT DANGLING FEATHER, HE COULDN'T GET TO HIS WATER. SO I LIFTED THE LITTLE DISH UP TO HIM. HE LOOKED AT IT AND THEN AT ME. SO I PRETENDED TO DRINK AND THEN BROUGHT THE DISH TO HIM... AND HE DRANK... HEARTILY! HE DRANK FROM THE DISH IN MY HAND! My "gut/instinct" again... and the AWE!
When done, I stepped back to see what he would do and he hopped across to this loft and toddled over to his night spot... but that feather is still dangling. There's a part of me that wants to pluck it and get it over with, but there's the other part of me that's seen him heal of his own... "Nature". So, tonight, the plan is to try my best NOT to sleep for too long in intervals... "nap through the night" so I can make sure the feather isn't pulled and he doesn't bleed! I'm terrified now... especially considering the dreams of the past 2 nights... Bleeding to death? NO! I won't have it! So, we're in for an interesting night ahead.
Right now, he's back on the food shelf. He made it over there. I wonder if it isn't more comfortable for him... keeping that feather protected and out of his way. I'm WORRIED!
Meanwhile... soft music and tonight... I had no yoghurt after meal, and I have to get to the "holiday" ice cream. Tomorrow is FS day... and the "storm" isn't due to commence until about 14.00 so... I might make a RUN for the market... if all goes well. Just DASH in, grab and go! It all depends on that feather... and whether or not I'm in condition to drive... after tonight.
I'm showered and that feels better but the right side, which felt great in the hot shower, is bothering me no. So maybe THAT will help keep me awake tonight too. But for now... a quick run through the internet... a bite to eat and... we'll see... I wish I had the old "phone" that I used in the shelter... it "buzzed" in the pillow case. I'll need an 'alarm" tonight, to get up and check on Yonah... I'll see what I can work with, with what I've got. I don't want to disturb HIM all through the night... Ah... this is how the "new year" commences.
But HEY! Storm? No Mass-hole. Little blessings.
24.27 Still up. Have alarms set hourly. SO afraid Yonah will break that feather during the night. Will try to "snooze" through. Of all the nights... cigarettes down and nothing to eat. AND THE BLOODY FURNACE WAS RUNNING FOR HOURS AND WON'T BREAK THE 72F MARK! THE ELECTRIC BILL! FUCKING SHIT.
Off to nap... and hope... if I can nap at all. Hopefully the alarms will wake me and not disturb Yonah. (Had that last scraped "onion &c." bagel with butter... Fat... the gallbladder is going to luv that.)

Tuesday 09 January:
20.18 AND... WE'RE *OFF*... TONIGHT, RIGHT NOW, THERE'S HALF OF ONE CIGARETTE IN THE HOUSE AND NOT A SINGLE OTHER ONE! HERE WE GO! Luckily, it's Journal, ice cream... brush teeth and to the futon! And we hope. *** HOW-EVER... MY EYES AND NOSE SENSE THE MUSTI-SHIT IN THE AIR AND AS THAT DOES, IT'S SET MY NERVOUS SYSTEM OFF... I'M PALE AND IN A MISERABLE STATE OF MIND. BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY I HEAD FOR A CIGARETTE EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS:
IT'S TO DODGE THE URGE TO DESTROY... PROPERTY AND PERSONS !!! IT'S DIVERSION FROM THE RAGE THAT SETS MY ENTIRE BODY, TO THE CELLULAR LEVEL, INTO A STATE OF OUT-RIGHT, ALL-ON BATTLE! ALMOST UNCONSCIOUSLY MY "DRIVE" GOES TO YONAH, AND AS WOULD ANY CARING "PARENT", MY RAGE IS DIRECTED AT THE CAUSE OF ANY POTENTIAL HARM TO HIM! AND, AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, I CHECKED THE VT JUST BEFORE GETTING TO THIS AND THE FILTH-FUCK PRESENTED THE CHEQUE FOR THE RENT TODAY! (But HEY! Thankfully... the account is GREAT! Well... 1,85 in it after Skype on Thursday, but that's better than over-drawn 1,36! So... No smokes. Snowing. Threat of power outage tonight. And I'm going through a box of Triscuits like it's OK as I snort shit-in-the-air and think of that mother's-menstruation Masshole. Ah... delightful...
MOVING... RAPIDLY... ALONG... as the soft instrumental music plays.... on a lap-top soon to die...
WHAT a DAY!
Last night was "difficult" at best. Not only the worry about Yonah's feather and the dread that it would pull out during the night and I'd wake to find him bled to death... well, I suppose that's what made the rest of it the way it was. I was tired, physically, mentally and emotionally, and heading to a lie-down after mid-night, with a light on... THEN, the gallbladder started "poking" and several "leg contractions" through the night (which helped keep me from falling too deep into sleep so that I COULD get up and check on Yonah ever hour... as the "alarm" buzzed under me). And the first alarm "woke" Yonah too... so I put the phone under my rib-cage and laid on it... I'd put it in the pocket on the t-shirt but... Yonah heard it... Under my ribs, I felt the vibration and from what I saw, the rest of them didn't disturb him... or at least, he didn't let on. The first time I checked on him, he let out a tiny "HOO!" but was calm... THANKFULLY!
Anyway... I was sort of dozing off after having been awake at 6.30 with a contraction... when... at 7.30... "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo"... soft but clear! I was thrilled! Wanted to roll over and sleep but... it was morning and I needed to check Yonah's house for bleeding so... I figured I'd functioned on much less rest, this should be fine... I was up...
KISSES! WOW! KISSES! It was as if he knew that I'd been up with him through the night last night! The feather wasn't dangling but it was still there but... as I wrote in his Journal... it didn't seem to phase him. I was just relieved that he hadn't bled... at all! So... we got on with the morning's routine... and the skies were heavy, grey... threat of a "major snow storm" this after-noon... I looked about and thought I ought to go to market... today, being FS day.
I was really quite terrified though... figuring that, if that feather got pulled out and he bled, I'd come back to find Yonah either dead or dying. But I thought I'd give it a try anyway... I needed to start the truck and I wanted to get those seeds to Deb... so...
Went out this morning to get the meter-reading for NYSEG... had to take a "zoom photo"... because there's snow in front of the meters... but, as it turned out, it was good enough to get the reading AND EVEN BETTER... 67,04$ HOPEFULLY... IF THEY JUST TAKE MY READING! CAN'T IMAGINE HOW, WITH THAT DAMNED FURNACE RUNNING ALL THE FUCKING TIME! (In fact, I just had to put it off again for a while... it's been fucking running form since this morning! Piece of shit! Just like the shit who had it installed by the pieces of shit who shit-suck the Mass-hole... I move on...). I celebrate... the bill OUGHT to be under 100$!!!
Must have been about 10.30-ish when I started the truck and it SQUEALED! I got dressed (I'd gone out to check the post... nothing... and figured, since I was out with the keys... I'd start the truck), put the bags of seeds and "Pure Fun" into a paper bag, grabbed the tote... I'd checked the FS balance and... BOLTED out the door...
Made it to Deb's, left the bag at the door and as I was crossing the bridge to leave, SHE PULLED ONTO the road! So I backed up and pulled off to the side... she drove up, rolled her window down. I told her I'd left the seeds. She told me they're gone for the month of February and off we went on our ways.
Good that I got the river water when I did... the river's frozen down by the bridge there.
On the main, there was the slightest "squeal" so I decided to drop by Vinnie and ask what he thought it might be. He said it might be the "a/c belt"... it tends to seize and such when the a/c is never used... and THIS one NEVER has been (because I was told it didn't work when I bought the truck and I don't use it anyway so...). Were it something on a grander scale, the squeal wouldn't stop. It might be the "defroster" belt. He suggested trying to turn the defroster on and off... OK! I'll still have him look on Tuesday-week though... OFF TO MARKET!
Ah... market... Chicken... 17$ fuck! AND, I HAD to bump into Vivian... who complimented me on my penmanship. I guess THAT'S the topic of chat in NR these days... Anyway, quick chat and we were off too... and I grabbed a few things and headed back. Of course... the damned place was almost packed and slow but... made it there...
On the drive back, I turned the defroster off... no squeal. I'll re-test tomorrow morning... I left it off so I'll start the truck with-out it.
So when I got back to the shit-box, I RAN in to check on Yonah... he was on his door perch... so calm... I RUSHED over to check his house and as I went, I scanned the rest of the place... for blood. None... and when I got to him... THE FEATHER WAS GONE! AND NO BLOOD! AND HE WAS SO CALM! AND I ALMOST CRIED. BUT I COULDN'T FIND THE FEATHER! LOOKED ABOUT THE ROOM AND THERE... ON THE FUTON! GOOD NEWS: THE FEATHER ISN'T DANGLING. BAD NEW: IT DIDN'T COME OUT, IT BROKE OFF! But to be honest, the others before this did the same thing. I still have many of them. So I HOPE there'll be NO complications from this one. But at least I have the Betadine and such to attend if need be. That's a relief. (SO much has happened with my education over the 3-plus years with Yonah! Still... I'm no "vet" so... and I still feel "insufficient"... but I will ALWAYS feel that way where Yonah's concerned.)
WELL! By this time it was time for lunch... and so... I had "Farina soup" and Yonah ATE! YAY! And after... I HAD to close my eyes... set an alarm for 30 minutes... and got 45! Not too bad but by the time it starts for 14.00... I feel the day is GONE... so I started Journals... worked on a "Community2024" spread sheet because the original one is slowing terribly! It's over 1000 entries now so... and as I sat at the desk working...
THE BLOODY FUCKING VOCs/MUST A-FUCKING-GAIN! IT'S SNOWING! IT'S COLD! IT WASN'T DAMP! THE FUCK! SO I HAD TO OPEN THE DOORS AGAIN! AND I WAS TRYING TO GET THE DAMNED HOUSE WARMED IN CASE OF A POWER OUTAGE TONIGHT! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! AND THE DAMNED FURNACE IS CONSTANTLY RUNNING (SHOULD BE FILTERING THE FUCKING AIR IN HERE!) AND IT WON'T BUT BARELY BREAK 72Fucking DEGREES! OIL... PISSED AWAY... THANKFULLY THE ELECTRIC BILL SHOULDN'T BE TOO TERRIBLE... AND IT'S JANUARY ALREADY! STILL... THE FUCKING AIR QUALITY IN HERE! WE HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE... SOON... QUICKLY!
THEN... Yonah starts coo'ing and I hear dull "thuds" from next door! Looking out the window, foot-prints heading there. So I stepped out the front door just in time to catch McFuknut coming round. He said he was shovelling "in case Alden has somebody coming to look at the place." I asked if it smelled there. He said no. Said the carpeting needs "cleaning". (That shit needs replacing!) I managed to "mention" my "1007$ investment" in mould remediation and that the musty stench lingers and that's why he sees the doors open often. Retard... we'll see if it gets mentioned... But he said "a couple with 2 kids and a dog" came to look at the place. "It didn't suit their needs". WTAF? These people truly are hopelessly mentally bereft! Anyway... we chatted and he left... thank goodness... the imbecile annoys me.
Well that brought the day to almost 16.00 and time to put food on the hob... AND, I thought... JUST IN CASE OF POWER OUTAGE... I NEEDED TO COOK THE CHICKEN I BOUGHT THIS MORNING. SO THAT WENT INTO THE OVEN... evening meal on the hob... by 16.41!
Yonah and I had our meals together. He rested on the heating pad on the desk with the Birdies! And I tried to get Journals started after washing-up. He got tucked-in at about 19.40 and I took to the kitchen where I am now at 21.08!
I'm tired. Half a smoke left. Ice cream though... my eyes and nose detect MUST but I'm not sure any more. I had to turn the furnace OFF for a while, even with the doors open for AIR! FUCK this place, really! And there's a chill starting so I have to turn that back on... and now... ice cream... and FUTON! The day is DONE! The accounts are reconciled... there we have it...
AND MR. MASS-HOLE HAS THE FUCKING RENT. (How I would SO DELIGHT IN....)
22.26 Not sure how it got this late but it did and now... off to the futon... The snow's just a passing memory. Not much fell. So far, no rain... but... And the damned furnace isn't doing shit other than running. There's a bloody chill in this place. But I think the air's gone better...
MUST REMEMBER THE CHICKEN IN THE OVEN TOMORROW!

Wednesday 10 January:
11.14 and been up and about from since "morning call" at 7.40... and have managed to shovel the (yes, wet and heavy) snow from the back walk and off the truck... put the chicken that I cooked last evening, up in the freezer, checked the post (nothing) and wasted time trying for a BM... And right now, I'm eating more Triscuits because I want a cigarette... but ther4e are none in the house and I refuse to go to get more from Dan and I DAMNED-WELL REFUSE to pay 18$ for one pack (which is, I shouldn't doubt, probably the local price). So... here we are and I'm having a cinnamon tisane with.
AND... as I sit at the desk typing, Yonah came over to peck at my ear! Hey! The cigarettes have to go because I NEED a one-day surgery coming here... So... WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS! WE WILL! I WILL!
14.08 It's been one damneed difficult day, because, as is the case as I recall, concentration is at its WORST today! I start one thing, swing to another, then to another and now... it's bloody 14.00 and I haven't done THIS Journal nor Yonah's. What HAVE I done? I've shovelled snow in the drive and had lunch. I've shovelled in front of the cellar shed, checked the oil in the tank (3/4), cleared a "path" to the oil-fill... "tidied" the snow by the PO transfer box... made tea... and NOW... IT BLOODY APPEARS THAT THERE'S VOCs IN THE AIR AGAIN, IN SPITE OF HAVING HAD THE DOORS OPEN WIDE... (6° out there today... and HOT SUN-SHINE FOR A WHILE) FOR THE LONGEST! AIR RUSHING THROUGH THE HOUSE AND THE VERY SECOND I CLOSE THE FUCKING DOORS... THE NOSE, THE EYES... THE STENCH.... I DON'T EVEN KNOW, AT THIS POINT, IF IT'S TRUE OR HAVE I GONE COMPLETELY CLINICALLY MAD! ALL I KNOW IS I WANT YONAH AND I THE FUCK OUT OF HERE... SOON... NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN! WE MUST GET OUT OF HERE! THIS PLACE IS HELL! AND MURDER!
That said... let's see if I can't get back to the notes I started typing this morning... (my mood is CRASHING because that's what it does when the VOCs come into the situation. This mould shit just sets my entire being off):l
(Started this at 8.11 this morning....)
SO TIRED THIS MORNING! Last night, a couple of "contractions" in the legs, both legs... nothing serious enough to even notice but just "there"... enough to wake me for a brief while but otherwise I went to sleep... as far as I know... but SO TIRED this morning! Can't really understand why. But... I'm up anyway and...
Yes, the snow stopped at some point in time last night and much of what fell has, already melted, so the snow that's there is WET... and no doubt HEAVY! Dipfuk Brady is out there with a blower and the machine looks like it's struggling. Oh well... there isn't enough to make me feel a "need" to go out and shovel... yet. So...
MEAN-WHILE... this morning? Yonah's call, at 7.40, actually woke me from a dream. I'd half-woke at some time before, because I remember waking, looking round, seeing the dark, wondering what time it was and... drifting back to sleep. The dream... makes little sense but I'm sure there are elements of "life" in this one but...
I was in some sort of medical clinic, but I'm not sure if I was there for me or just with some-one else. There was another person there with me, but I don't know who... or why. Anyway, I was there. And oddly (odd for MY dreams, to be sure), it was brilliantly light, sunny. The clinic walls were painted in pale blues, greens, beiges and white! Just so cheerie and bright!)
As I was waiting for the "other person" to come out of his appointment, a young, "Doogie Hauser" sort of MD came into the room. He'd been my "Primary" for a while before, but I'd since left him and changed (there's some part of "life"... indeed) but apparently he hadn't been aware of the fact or was choosing to ignore it. He began to chat about my current medical conditions and the ones he was aware of. I was "patronisingly polite" with him (as I'd be with "Mayor McFuknutz"... simply to avoid tedious arguments) but I was DISGUSTED to see that he literally had no idea that I left him, was no longer "his patient"! I wondered what ELSE he was completely un-aware of... especially where his current patients were concerned. Anyway, I told him that I'm now seeing "specialists" for the problems I'm having and had. He "appeared" some sort of "saddened" to learn that I was seeing "specialists"... it was "theatrics", of course, and I could see that "Oh, sorry you've left us..." bull-shit coming through... but since he didn't even know that I'd left the office there, I knew that my leaving didn't matter. Anyway... it was time to leave and we smilingly parted ways...
As i was leaving the office, i looked out a window in the hall... that looked down on a sunny back alley, and down there were various sorts of blue-glazed terracotta parts of the building that had been removed (as I type, it reminds me of the "turrets" at Rochambeau... when they removed the stars of David...). There was quite a bit of construction going on around the building. I commented, to a fellow in the hall (who resembled that "Steve" sales-guy at Winstar): "They're replacing all the porches too, I'm to understand."
We both got into a lift too leave the building.
When we got to the first floor and the door opened, there was so much construction debris in the "lobby area" that passing through to get to the front door was all but impossible. Dust, men pulling tarps of dusty debris, old plaster and such. But I happened to notice that the flooring under all the mess was ornate... wood and some sort of mosaics. One of the work-men commented on the 2 of "us" being there: "We like to be sure people notice the work we do". It seemed to be in reference to "keeping us there long enough".
I turned to look to the fellow in the lift. He was waiting for it to close again so he could go to the basement and exit the building there... I got back into the lift to do the same.
In the basement, when we got out of the lift, I had to stop to tie the laces on my moccasins. They were white, with dark brown laces. The laces were frazzled and the moccasins were stretched-out to where they kept falling off my feet as I walked. (Like my slippers now... and before... "life".) I realised I needed to go get new shoes before continuing on with the day and so, that's where I headed when we got out of t he building.
Stepping out, to my left, the street went off into some sort of "open" area, sparsely populated. But to the right, the street resembled "Rock Beach Blvd/B.116 or old Broadway in Nbg" with little shops and stores. I headed right and at the corner, on the opposite side, the side-walk became crowded with shoppers. A short, heavy Mexican woman, eating ice cream, got in my way and was angry when I moved round her to get on walking. I ignored her and kept going. Passed a men's shoe store that had dark blue boots of various styles in the window. I thought it stupid: blue men's boots... and kept going. I was looking for a sneaker-specific store some-where along the way... and...
Yonah woke me as I walked... in the dream.
15.07 and I'm only jut finishing the dream... and WANTING a cigarette. I've got an old BIC pen hanging from my mouth. Not even sure why... I mean, it's not like I smoked PACKS per day. But I'm finding it interesting that even the little things that I do during the day, like washing a dish, finishing a tea... there's almost an automatic "move" to get a cigarette. And today, I've already been standing at the living-room/front door... just looking out... I used to smoke then.. But I'm coming to understand that the cigarettes were like the drinks: a "reward" for having done something... no matter how mundane... At the end of the day, a drink... for having made it through the day. Every little task... a cigarette. Well? I got rid of the drinking. Now... let's just get rid of the habit of smoking. (Though I'm trying to make excuses why I shouldn't stop the smoking... and now it's become a matter of my own determination for "victory"... over the purely psychological burden. MY MIND is stronger than this! Smoking is a carry-over from the parents who hated me in the first place. Let's just get BOTH... those 2 and their crew/kids... and the remnants of them OUT of life! I grew accustomed... I can grow UN-accustomed. And if I want, I can always start smoking again... later.
(Another thing that's making it difficult today is the "mustiness"... as I'm typing this, there's the tickle in the throat, the irritation in the sinuses, the coughing, the irritated eyes... and I can't understand HOW/WHY! Though today, I NOTICED the furnace: The filtre there filtres the in-coming air before it gets to the warming area of the furnace. So... the in-take air is filtred TWICE before being warmed and THEN the out-put air is filtred through the charcoal at the wall register. That explains why the out-put sometimes smells of "fumes"...) Anyway... this mould shit... and my mood... and now, 15.19, I want a snooze... but I have Yonah's journal to get to!
20.00 on the mark. Yonah is tucked-in. Soft music on the lap-top. (I have to remember to re-start the phone and internet... The service has been SHIT lately so I'm trying to see if it helps to shut it off and force it to re-start.
The "highlights"of today are that I managed to get the snow shovelled (again), checked the oil. And this morning, as I was shovelling round the truck, that filth from across the main brought the 2 spore over for the school bus... at about 10.00!!! WTAF? And sure enough, they get over here to the drive, COMPLETELY ignore me and the brats start romping about by the truck in the drive! When "Mamacita" saw the scowl on my face, she told the kids to come away... and she spoke in Spanish, of course, which annoys me usually, but with the no smoking today... well... Anyway... the bus came and took the shit away... and I finished up.
Meal was OK tonight but after was difficult... I'm so used to having a smoke.
But MORE difficult is now... I got Yonah tucked-in at 19.40 and stepped out of his room to jot the Journals but my "insides" seemed to head to the door for... a smoke! I was SO tempted today, to take a fiver to Dan and get another pack! It's 20.07 now and I wouldn't dream of such a thing. And what a shame to make it all this time only to screw up now... But, I WILL swear that the cigarettes help with the must and mould. I'm sure the smoke from the cigarettes "coats" the sinuses and such to keep the mould/VOCs out. Tonight, I smell that mustiness again, and I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my sanity over this. I don't know if it's just me... if I'm hallucinating at this juncture. The itching, sneezing and burning eyes are real enough, but I'm wondering if the "stench" isn't "olfactory hallucination". Yeah... MUST GET OUT OF AND AWAY FROM THIS PLACE! HOW I NEED TO GO SEE HELEN HILL! AND CAPE VINCENT! And get this old body together... SOON!
Well... I'll have ice cream now... hopefully I'll sleep through the night tonight and NOT get up too early... too early means wanting a smoke... (and I want one even now... but some of that is aggravation because of this house and maybe depression because of being stuck here right now...) Anyway... we'll see how tomorrow plays out... when it's done...
21.45 MADE IT! NO SMOKES! Tomorrow? We'll see. I've done one day before... For now... futon... (and the fucking place still wreaks of mushrooms... FUCK! BUT... THE RENT CHEQUE CLEARED AND THERE'S ENOUGH IN THE ACCOUNT FOR THE SKYPE THIS MONTH! OK!

Thursday 11 January:
I can’t believe that I’m only just now getting to ANY of today’s journals... this one AND Yonah’s. And it isn’t that I was so terribly “busy” “doing” much of anything... actually the ONLY matter that I DID manage to address all day... and I do mean ALL day is getting to clear out quite a lot of duplicate files on the 2T SeaGate that I’ve been dumping everything onto for too long! Almost 500GB on the 1T SeaGate... that’s HAVE of it... DUPLICATES of photos and images... in fact THRICE! So, there we have that much. And so, I managed to back-up the “financials” and the web-sites onto the 1T drive. And I grabbed a 30-minute snooze after lunch and got right back to the “cleaning” until 16.00 when Yonah came over to me to let me know to take my pill and put dinner on the hob!
Day 2 with-out a smoke... completely. But I don’t believe this is going to last much longer. It truly IS merely the “psychological” aspect of having one: it’s the “after ___ is completed”. I literally head for the front door, un-thinkingly.. .and then HARD STOP! When I realise what I’m doing and that I don’t even HAVE a cigarette in the house if I DID get to the door to have one! AND... what’s truly annoying is the sudden “tickle in the throat” and the odours in the air that “bother” me now... to the point where it feels like my entire body is shutting-down... the “gallbladder” issue is now painful in the back (right side), and the “scoliosis” too, is becoming actually painful. The “things” I’ve been avoiding or compensating. I’m even more aware of a “pain” in the upper right chest! Not so much the lung and the clavicle, but it’s terribly uncomfortable.
Anyway... we’ll see how things go tomorrow and if no better, I’ll just get another pack from Dan and... well... “titre” again... 3/day maximum and see how that works (as if).
But last night went REALLY WELL... in fact, SO WELL, that this morning, when Yonah called at 7.27 I was SO comfortable and I THINK I got up once last night to “loo”, but I’m not even sure about that. I dozed off to sleep with a TINY bit of “wheezing” but nothing of note. And when I woke this morning, there was SOME congestion (which is another reason why I’m not thrilled with this “quitting”... I’m still wheezing and congested... so... no cigarettes or 3... Last night I looked it up: 1-4/day is considered “light smoker” - NOT “HEAVY” AS UVM HAS RECORDED... BUT, of course, even THAT’S a “terrible threat” and there’s even a claim that “light smokers” are at GREATER risk of lung cancer. Anyway... this morning, I WAS quite comfy and HAD slept quite well last night and looking at Yonah’s “poops”... HE slept quite still last night too! All was in one little pile in the same place!
19.23... Yonah’s in his house. I’m at the desk... music... birds... gotta run...
19.50, Yonah is tucked-in... that “soft music” is playing on the lap-top and I’ve been going just a tad looney... looking for a damned cigarette! I’m “smoking” a gutted BIC pen. And the house is being “saged” for the second time this evening (only, this time, it’s in the bed-room). The sage-burning is “just in case”. I don’t know why or how, but it does seem to help dispel the mustiness when it hits. I have to wonder: are there “souls” wandering about up-stairs, and is the mustiness their way of expressing some dislike or hate or sorrow? If so, they’re “torturing” the wrong individual... I know they can and they ought to take ALL of the “nastiness” of this old house over to where it belongs... in the house of the one who refuses to attend and maintain the place that they’ve known as “shelter” for so many years. Take this all to Lake st. in Shrewsbury, where it belongs. Let THEM inhale the little spores and then let that grow in their lungs and tissue. Mean-while, I’m also wondering if the burning sage isn’t “cleansing” the place, some-how. I recall reading that it was burned in “Roman” times or there-abouts, to cleanse air and homes. It also sterilises/disinfects. So? What-ever... it makes it a bit better.
But for now, there we have the entire day and it’s currently going on 20.04... and I have to get to Yonah’s Journal for today too.
I’ve come to realise that this “soft music” is a LOT of repetition, but it’s so monotonous that the repetition isn’t really obvious... still...
I want a cigarette! Not because of the nicotine... and that’s what bothers me most. Were it the nicotine, it would be a matter of a patch... it’s the psychological “addiction to repetition”! I’m accustomed to having a smoke when done with “X”... and now... I have to go on to “Y”... and then to “Z”... and NO “reward”. I substituted a smoke and then ice cream for drinking before bed... Now I have to find ... what-ever...
Never mind... Child-hood bull-shit... I need to get over and around that. But, if I truly WANT a cigarette... I can toddle down to Dan’s. My “carton”, less 1 pack, is still there... or, I’ll pay the 2,50$ for 20 of what-ever (although I DID pay that bag already... but I’m not going to bicker...)
21.58 Off to jammies... still have to get Yonah’s Journal entry for today. Started it but...
The kitchen basin stinks of fungi again! My stomach is “bloated” again... gas... again. Nose a bit runny but the air in the shit-box is OK. And tomorrow? Yeah... I DO believe I’ll get some smokes. THIS is NOT going to get it. Then too, it’s claimed that people who stop “cold turkey” fail to quit long term and at this rate, I still DO have 5 weeks of February and what-ever come before “surgery”... and “surgery” looks like I’m going to have to fuss and fight for that anyway... unless I drive into the ER in Saranac Lake... interesting thought... Oh well... to the futon! (More snow for tomorrow night. YAY! And -4° presently... YAY!)

Friday 12 January:
9.17 and for some reason, I was up this morning at about 2.00, went to the loo and could NOT fall back to sleep, so laid on the futon, half-awake until I just couldn’t tolerate being awake and the day-light twas coming. So... it was 7.04 when I got to the kitchen and just went right along with the morning... kettle on for coffee, loo and rolling along until 7.24 when... “morning call”.
Dreary day out there, again. A bit of snow fell during the night, last night. Not enough to take notice of, really. The main was completely clear at 7.04 and right now, the Hill is clear too... no ploughs or salt. The truck could use a bit of a “brushing”...
TWO MOURNING DOVES IN THE YARD THIS MORNING... SHORTLY AFTER 7.04 !!! They followed quite a few juncos and then came the blue jays. BIRDS in the yard! And a little woodpecker too! LIFE in the yard! A relief!
And Yonah? Well... the moment I sat at the desk to start the Journals, he came SOARING over to my shoulder, pecked at my cheek and tossed my kippa! He’s back “at home”, having a snack now, but he seems in good health and spirits this morning... and I’m SO GRATEFUL for that...
I’ve been “at the loo” this morning, for the “am BM” and I HAVE to note that this morning is actually “PAINFUL” across the abdomen! I’m beginning to wonder what sort of DAMAGE was done in there with the colonoscopy (and Cassone’s retirement shortly after doesn’t give me much comfort... and now I wonder why he phoned when he learned that I’d gone to the ER.... though, last night, I read that, in a study of several thousand people who had colo’s, 50% of them went to the ER with-in a week after, many as soon as “4.4 days” after... but there’s no mention of a month or so later... and now I have “questions”... e.g. Did he DO something damaging and that’s why he phoned? Did he do damage and didn’t care because he was retiring? Too much to wonder... And too much pain right now.)
Anyway, just noticed that ALL of the “calendar” on the lap-top, prior to November 2023 is GONE! WIPED OUT! I’VE NO IDEA HOW, BUT IT’S GONE! Oh well...
9.49 Still at the desk. Still need to get to Yonah’s Journal... and he’s on his roof-top... woo-Hoo’ing... Nancy left a jar of beets at the door this morning. AND.... though the “craving” isn’t quite so bad this morning, I want a SMOKE! and I DO believe I’m about to head to Dan’s... for a pack. THIS quitting cold turkey, is NOT working... well... and I CAN cut it all back to only those “trigger times”... and I WILL! Or... yes. I will.
10.20 In from clearing snow off the back walk and truck... Sam and Amy are on... strange for a Friday. Nancy had left a jar of beets at the door stopped on her way back from town. Going to a funeral. 2 guys in their 30s died in the past week... kidney failure, pneumonia... “strange”, she says. I wonder... because my right “kidney region” is SORE this morning! Hurt to clear the truck of light, dry snow.
Still considering getting smokes. Not even sure if Dan’s at home. But there’s more of me saying “NO!” because of the original fight... and today is day 3... and if I get ONE cigarette, I’ll be right back to having them in the house and making excuses... I don’t want to “re-start” at this point so... we’ll see how it goes this after-noon.
BUT SERIOUSLY... THE PAIN IN THE BACK THIS MORNING IS “REMARKABLE” AND I DON’T DARE GO TO ER HERE... IF THEY FIND A CAUSE FOR SURGERY... OFF TO PLATTSBURGH, AND AT THIS HOUR, OVER-NIGHT! NO NO NO... (but it does hurt).
And I can smell the damned “mushrooms” from the fucking kitchen! And THAT doesn’t help the pain in my side!
11.57 Journal’s caught-up for the morning... I’m still considering going hto get smokes... but there’s part of me that doesn’t really want to... no matter what. BUT it DOES SEEM THAT “ALLERGY TRIGGERS” ARE FIRING OVER-TIME THIS MORNING AGAIN! The “picking” in the nose and eyes, the sneezing, dripping nose, irritation in the throat... NOT HAPPY! (And I’ve no doubt that MOULD has ALL TOO MUCH, IF NOT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS SHIT! And that pisses me off which makes me want a smoke... but... ‘tis lunch time... we’ll see how things go after that....)
16.47 Well? I managed to make it through the day and did NOT go to Dan for cigarettes, though I’m finding that, at the rate I’ve been “smoking”, all of this isn’t going to make much difference in over-all “health”. Not to mention, I’m rather sure that what’s actually “WRONG” with me these days, has little-if-anything to do with lungs and smoking. Yes, I TRULY HAVE LOST WEIGHT AND AS I LOOK AT PHOTOS FROM MERE MONTHS AGO, I LOOK LIKE TOTAL SHIT... AN OLD MAN, WASTING AWAY! WHAT, I’D LIKE TO KNOW, THE ACTUAL FUCK, IS GOING ON HERE? Oh well, I see a stop at the local ER in the near future. Probably before the trip to Saranac Lake... just to have some CT of the Abdomen done... A-FUCKING-GAIN (because today’s “ailment(s) is primarily there). OK. So... there we have it.
I DID get a bit more of the SeaGate cleaned, but there’s SO MUCH on there that I just don’t know where to start, save, pull everything and re-work. But the drive is larger than the lap-top so... step-by-step. Hey! It keeps me occupied during waking hours and it keeps me at the desk with YONAH! So that’s good... NO SMOKING either!
On that “smoking” thing, I keep remembering Wednesday and how difficult that was... and yesterday wasn’t much easier, in fact, I was going to go to Dan’s last night. But today was a bit easier... and THREE days? And lose those to have to start over? Nah... let’s see how long this can go on... Now it’s more curiosity... and I believe that’s how I managed to make it the last time I quit... and that was on Valentine Ave! (And the possibility of somebody coming to the house here and lighting a Canadian cigarette now is... nope, not at all, ain’t happenin;.
HOOVERED THE HOUSE TOO... JUST THIS EVENING! It’s been a while! And I emptied the bag into a bag and the bag went to the bin. And then a good shake on the front porch (fukkemall). BUT... because of that, even with the doors open, WOW... I CAN FEEL THE “SOMETHING” IN THE AIR! But at least the Hoovering’s done...
On to evening meal!... it’s 16.58 already! FUCK! ANOTHER DAY!
20.21 WAS pondering a shower tonight... I have that “sickening sweet odour” stuck in my sinuses and I can’t help but wonder what’s causing it. And tonight, wondering if there really isn’t something terribly “wrong” along the “route of the colonoscopy”... Did Cassone slam the gallbladder and then into the appendix? Is there irreparable damage? WTAF is going on down there? Well... all the more reason to try Saranac Lake... and perhaps THERE, THEY’LL find the cause(s) of these troubles. (Though, I’ll always believe that the attack from all that horrific mould did a LOT of damage... to my entire system... THANKFULLY, I don’t have all the recent alleged “vax” shit in my system as well... or... none that I know of.)
Anyway... at this juncture... Yonah all tucked-in from 19.40 and his Journal to-date (for 2024 anyway)... and a few “Cowboy Fringants” down-loaded... and I WANT A DAMNED CIGARETTE... I’ll have hit a quick, hopefully hot shower... have my ice cream and head for the futon... this day is done... and... I WANT A DAMNED CIGARETTE! So there.
(I truly AM happy that I got that bag of cigarettes out of the house when I did though... but getting more from Dan is going to be difficult... though I’m sure he’ll understand... I still think I ought to pay, even though I did already... but... Oh we’ll see how it works out... if I actually do go back down there for another pack... which will HAVE to last through the rest of the month!)
22.34 And off to the futon we go. Showered! At last! Odd though: in the shower, had a “clearing cough”... instead of the usual “white”... tonight, after 3 days of no smoking... it was GREY! I wonder. Anyway, off to the futon... late... and let’s see what tomorrow brings and does...

Saturday 13 January (THREE YEARS THREE MONTHS... ANNIVERSARY !!!)
10.40 and this morning is running away and I’m dragging.... heavily... in so many respects.
I woke, of my own, at 7.27 this morning... and as I headed to the loo (something I didn’t do last night) Yonah called... so we BOTH woke at the same time!
Miserable out there... even now. “SLUSH” falling from the sky! Wet, heavy... slush! Not warm enough for rain, not cold enough for snow... just right for wet and chilly... and grey!
And me? And this “smoking cessation” bull-shit? Well, let me just say that this morning, right away, I woke, not really “congested”, though that’s still with me... but a “dry burning sensation”... from throat down into the lungs! And all morning (OK... these 3 hours, but still... ALL MORNING), it’s as if EVERY allergy I’ve never had is attacking today, this morning! Nose dripping, eyes itching, and I HAD to have a lie-down already, at about 9.15 or so... TIRED! And when I had my tiny little “hack” this morning, after morning pee, there wasn’t much of it, but it was “thick” and there was SOME sort of “colour” to it... but I’m not sure WHAT colour, because there just wasn’t enough to see... I just know that it wasn’t the “clear-white” I’m more accustomed to.
Last night I read that the THIRD day was to be expected to be difficult... even to the “symptoms of allergies”... caused by the removal of nicotine in the body, and such. OK. So I’m a day behind... But this is making me truly question whether or not it’s all worth it all... and... I wonder about the “5 years”... Is that what I’ll get after this? And why is it so difficult when, for so long, I haven’t had THAT MANY cigarettes in a day anyway? Oh well...< br /> Mean-while, Yonah and I have had a lie-down together. (He’s in the living-room as I type this in his room.) There are “things” I’d LIKE to get done today... like the SeaGate... get back to the BACK JOURNALS... work on Yonah’s site... Internet bills are coming due this year... more budget to be done... “things” to be done... and my head just doesn’t want to be bollocksed... I look like shit, drawn and old... and this shit with my teeth is pissing me off all the more lately... when I look and see what I’m not eating... causing the weight loss... and the pains of the gallbladder... and what-ever else is “down there” that’s hurting... the bend in the spine... the “suddenly going to complete shit”... suddenly... pissing me off... and wanting/not wanting to just have a few more cigarettes... but... c’mon... 4 days in? AND THIS IS SO THAT I INCREASE MY CHANCES OF A SMOOTH SURGERY THAT ISN’T EVEN A SURE THING YET... AND A SAME-DAY SURGERY... AND A QUICK, NO-TIME-AWAY FROM YONAH! (NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF NOT WANTING TO BE SEPARATED FROM HIM BUT... BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST THE FUCKING HOUSE WE’RE IN! NOR THE RETARDS THAT RESIDE IN THIS SHIT-HOLE HAMLET... AND WORST OF ALL... THE FUCKING “MASS-HOLE SLUM-LORD”!) Anyway... time to get on with the day... now that it’s becoming the after-noon...
It’s BLOODY-FUCKING 20.49... AND THE FUCKING KITCHEN WREAKS OF FUCKING FUNGI... AFTER THE FUCKING MUSTINESS... and I’m only just finished Yonah’s Journal. It’s been one of those days! But I DID manage to jot a note or two about an hour ago... and so, as I listen to the “collection” of music on the lap-top (and not the “soft music” tonight... for a change), and my nose drips, my eyes feel “coated” with some sort of “dust”, and I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE AND TO RELEASE SOME DEEP, BURNING ANGER ONTO SOMEBODY’S FACE... (I WILL tell: IF that old truck in the garage was worth more than a common month’s rent... Yonah and I would be SO out of here because I just don’t care any more at this juncture... IF I knew HOW I could possibly do it... there’s a gal in Montana who posts to Twats and she posts photos of her area and her place... IF I could figure out HOW... Yonah and I would be off to Montana... one trouble... the truck and the travel, because he can’t travel on a plane or a train... BUT we’d find a way!)
Anyway... the notes...
A-FUCKINFG-GAIN TO-FUCKING-DAY.... THE FUICKING MUSTINESS IN THE AIR... OUT OF NO-WHERE... JUST SUDDENLY THIS AFTER-NOON! AND I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND AND REALISE: IT’S A MAJOR TRIGGER FOR SMOKING! IT WAS FROM THE ON-SET OF THE MOULD AND IT’S JUST AS BAD NOW... WORSE, SINCE THIS IS DAY 4 OF NO CIGARETTES... AND THE TEMPTATION TO RUN TO DAN FOR A *PACK*... FIGHTING THAT WAS ACTUALLY PAINFUL TODAY! AND THIS EVENING... AFTER WATER RELAY, I POURED BLEACH INTO THE KITCHEN BASIN CABINET AND SPRAYED VINEGAR IN. IT’S A PUNGENT CHLORINE GAS THAT FEELS STRONGER IN THE NOSE AND SUCH. BUT THE CABINET IS SMELLING OF FUNGI AGAIN AND THAT HELPS GET RID OF IT. BUT, AS I DID, I HAD THE DOORS OPEN AND THE FANS BLOWING... A-FUCKING-GAIN... MINUS-FUCKING-5 OUT T THERE... DOORS OPEN, FANS GOING... FURNACE RUNNING. AND I REMEMBER “Dr. DOOFUK” AND THE SNARK WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT BEING BLINDED BY THE MOULD “OH, BUT YOU COULD STILL REACH FOR THAT PACK OF CIGARETTES.” FUCKING IMBECILE, THAT ONE. AND WHAT LUCK FOR THE MASS-HOLE, THAT THE WEATHER IS TAKING “THE TURN”... SO I’M RATHER SURE THAT ONE WON’T BE SHOWING AT THE DOOR FOR ANOTHER WHILE YET. RIGHT NOW... I COULD EASILY SHOVE HIS LITTLE MOP HEAD DOWN AND OUT THROUGH HIS ARSE HOLE! ANYWAY...
Demings ploughed me in at the drive again! I’d gone out to clear the back walk and the truck... not much snow on either but it was wet. OK... so I got the walk cleared... then the truck, and THEN I DECIDED TO PUT THE FENCE BACK UP.... SO THAT THE “YARDIES” CAN EAT IN SAFETY! It took some doing to dig the “roll” out, but I got it done and then went on to shovel the blocking snow back out into the “parking” area for the PO. FUKDATSHIT! The PO transfer box is accessible and I can drive out of the drive so there it is. I DARE somebody to speak on my tossing snow about... yesterday I tossed it onto the Hill. Today, to the parking. Tomorrow? Let there be an open window in the hamlet.. how I’d delight... But, at least the Yardies have a safe space to eat in the cold...
AND... so there we have it... and evening meal memo: the “new chicken” which I’d frozen and thawed and it tasted quite nice with noodles and some veggies... And I didn’t get to bake today... perhaps tomorrow... and tomorrow, I have to run to market for ice cream and stuff... AND A BAG OF CANDIES to help with the smoking! (I’m almost through the bag of pistachios! I NEVER thought I’d EVER eat them! I do like them, but I’m so afraid with the way my guts are these days. But they’re helping with the maddening cravings of an evening.
20.57... I’m done here... I wanted to shower again... not sure why... just did and was thinking it might help with getting the stench out o f my sinuses... but... not at this hour... It just better not stink in the house through the night! I’m on a verge... Insanity... certifiable...
22.45 LATE... and checked the flats... Port Kent again... I wonder... farther from Saranack Lake but on Champlain... might be nice for Yonah... 3-digit rent... Will look into it. Why not? We NEED to get out of here. I need to check Helen Hill... Anyway... off to the futon... Chilly tonight. Kitchen basin cabinet FUCKING WREAKS! Hopefully the freeze will come and stay long enough... I need to set a couple chlorine bombs upstairs too... serious chlorine bombs... soon! (Spray the bleach... Spray the ammonia... BOMB!) For now... night... futon... done!

Sunday 14 January:
4.33 Yes... 4.33... I don’t know why, but f or some reason, I woke at about 1.30-ish, went to the loo, got back onto the futon and went back to sleep for a while and then, woke again, and couldn’t get back to a proper sleep. So I figured, if the time was 5.00 and I’d gone to sleep by 22.00, that was enough for a night’s sleep. And so, I got up to check the clock, saw “4.08” and decided to stay up anyway... Ah... now I see, I didn’t get to the futon until closer to 23.00 and so, there’s that much less “sleep”. BUT... it doesn’t matter, really, at the moment, because...
THE FUCKING SHIT-BOX WREAKS OF MUSTINESS....
THE FUCKING KITCHEN WREAKS OF FUNGI FROM THE BASIN CABINET...
I COULD SMELL THE FUCKING SHIT IN YONAH’S ROOM LAST NIGHT AND AGAIN THIS MORNING...
I WOKE UP ANGRY BECAUSE OF I AND BECAUSE OF THAT, HAD CONGESTION AND COUGH...
AND FIRST THING THIS MORNING, HACKED-UP A TIDY LITTLE ***BROWN*** MUCOUS CLOT!
QUIT SMOKING AND STILL COUGHING, CONGESTED, HACKING, ***BROWN*** CLOTS!
THIS FUCKING PLACE HAS GOT TO GO... AND SO DO YONAH AND I !!!
I’m planning on a little trip into visit with Kari, this week... I have to bring the truck to Vinnie on Tuesday morning, mayhaps after that. I want to know the particulars of MOVING under a lease because I’m pretty sure that Mass-hole will do everything it can to fuck me over, should I simply move. And “simply move” is what I damned-well want. So...
Mean-while, Yonah’s door is closed and my eyes and nose are burning... I have the little heater in the basin cabinet again, this morning, hoping to dry the damned thing out again... and KILL what-ever it is in there that’s giving that fucking odour.
Still can’t get out of my mind, Deborah’s “Was good to see you this morning. You look pale and tired and you’ve lost weight.” but (a) she knows why and (b) nobody gives a shit. But (c) she DID give me the key to the house and DID offer a night or two in the new barn, when the weather permitted, so that Yonah and I could get out of here. So... She’s just simple people who made her bit of money by being “one of those”.... another non-New Yorker (from CT... “New England” again) who made a little bundle by being a qunt. And the “place in PR”... is, likely, from his family, some-how... And I can’t but remember how all she does is go from here to The City to PR and clean... daughter doesn’t clean, the people in PR don’t clean... Oh well. Anyway.. enough of this thought for the morning.
-4 the claim. High of -2 with variable skies... NOT COLD ENOUGH to KILL this shit! (My thought last night, getting ready to plotz: when this “cooler weather” is done... it’s going to be UTTER MASSIVE HORRIFIC HELL in this place! BLEACH BOMBS AND WHAT-EVER IT TAKES... and I see Yonah and I, lounging at Deborah’s come the warmer weather... I’ll have to get another large “house” for him... for... “travel”. This place needs a THOROUGH BLAST! and this year, if we’re to be here... it’s going to get just THAT!
(Even if I have to kill a few “folks” with the vermin...)
Funny/Odd being up at this hour... and the only reason I’d “like” a smoke is because I just happened to think of it... and it’s the “panic” of having none in the house, and the “wrenching” of breaking an ancient “tradition” that “hurts” the most. Other-wise... ***BROWN CLOTS*** in the morning! Yeah... I’ll stick with the no-smoking and maybe I’ll send some of THAT shit off to the “Dr. Doofuk”. What-ever... ON WITH THE DAY! Photos of Yonah to sort!
6.46 and NOW... with the stench of mushrooms still wafting from the cabinet in the kitchen... I’m tired.. as it’s almost time for “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...” but I’m going to try for a lie-down... some-where... DID manage to get ALL of Yonah’s photos moved from the 1T SeaGate... now to put them on the 2T... and then GET THE JOURNAL CAUGHT UP! (Tired at the moment... and would LUV a smoke...)
13.10 THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR IS FUCKING OPEN BECAUSE THE FUCKING HOUSE STINKS OF FUCKING MUST AND MUSHROOMS! AND THE FUCKING FURNACE IS RUNNING! AND I’M SUCKING ON A LOLLIPOP AND ABOUT TO HEAD TO DAN’S FOR SMOKES!
WENT OUT AT 11.00, TO START THE TRUCK AND IT SCREAMED AGAIN! LOOKED UNDER THE HOOD... NO SIGN OF WHERE THE SCREAMING IS COMING FROM SO I’M THINKING IT’S MORE THAN JUST A BELT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE...
THEN... WHEN I DECIDED I’D HEAD UP TO THE MARKET FOR A COUPLE OF THINGS THAT I NEEDED IN THE HOUSE, THE “ODOMETER” DIDN’T LIGHT BUT THE REST OF THE CLUSTER DID... *** AND *** I TRIED TO PUT THE TRUCK IN 4-WHEEL... AND THE SHIFT WENT ***WAY*** OFF, FORWARD, AND I COULDN’T GET IT BACK TO WHERE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN... *** AND *** WHILST WHERE IT WAS SET, I HAD *** NO TRANSMISSION *** ... NO PARK, REVERSE. DRIVE... NOTHING... AND THE HAND BRAKE WOULDN’T HOLD THE TRUCK AND IT JUST STARTED TO ROLL BACKWARD DOWN THE DRIVE! I STILL CAN’T REMEMBER HOW I GOT THE DAMNED THING TO STOP, BUT WHEN I TRIED TO ACCELERATE, THE NOISE WAS HORRIFIC! ANYWAY, I FINALLY GOT THE 4-WHEEL ENGAGED AND MADE IT OUT OF THE DRIVE...
Mean-while... John A. came by this morning as I was seated on the carsie... and for NO reason at all, he PLOUGHED what little ice there was on the “drive/parking” across MY drive! NOW, I’m seeing it as intentional.
Well... the market was horrible because I was literally SICK to my stomach with worry about Yonah in this shit-box and the stench and god knows what in the air! Literally SICK! And THEN had to stop at Kinney’s for more cough drops... and the large tote tore at market. But the truck started and I made it back JUST before the “squall” came through.
Had lunch with Yonah... got the photos of him transferred to the SeaGate... and this morning, took a 30-minute snooze... and am now ready for another one... Seriously thinking of heading to Dan’s... this not smoking with this shit in the air in this place, and the squealing on the truck, a MASSIVE broken tooth now, bottom-right...it’s the one that USED to be the “deep” one to fill... a hefty hunk broke off and I don’t know when but there it is... and medical appointments coming in February... and the truck acting up... and money for repairs... moving... finding a place to move to... SOON... and I didn’t get bleach today...nor vinegar... and the “candies” I’ve been chewing on as I type, are getting stuck in my throat... Nope... not a good time to stop the smoking....
20.24 I WANT A SMOKE! AND I’M REALLY IMPRESSED THAT I MANAGED TO NOT GO TO DAN’S FOR ANY TODAY! AFTER THE TRUCK TROUBLE AND THE CABINET STENCH AND THE UTTER HATRED I HAVE FOR THIS SHIT-BOX... I DON’T KNOW ***HOW*** BUT HERE IT IS, NIGHT... AND I WON’T GO TO DAN’S AT THIS HOUR... AND I WON’T GO TO THE STORE... SO... I’VE MADE IT THROUGH THIS BULL--SHIT TODAY! (No, I’m not “proud”... just rather amazed.)
And I discovered that the wall-side, right corner of the basin is... well, I’m not sure but it appears that the cabinet is literally rotting under the basin. It looks rather like some sort of “dust”, as if something is gnawing at the wood of the cabinet under the metal sink. AND... THAT CORNER IS WHERE BLEACH AND AMMONIA “DISAPPEAR” UNDER THE BASIN... AND THE “RED-BROWN DUST” BUBBLES! Insects? Some sort of fungi eating the cheap-shit wood chips? All I know is I get that stench stuck in my sinuses and it stays with me... but with the little bit of bleach and vinegar (chlorine gas and all) that I poured into that space today, the stench is gone... for another while.
Doesn’t make me any happier really, since I know it’ll be back eventually, and I’m REALLY afraid of the warmer weather to come! (And I didn’t get the bleach and ammonia today so will probably do tomorrow if...) I just want Yonah and I OUT of here.
Meanwhile... just got word from North Country Wild Care about Tuesday’s meeting... Zoom... I hope the lap-top holds through it... this meeting will count toward my “membership” and they’re talking that now... But when they find out that I passed the test but won’t go for the license... we’ll see. Not to mention... I don’t want to be HERE... and trying to rehab... and not knowing WHAT KIND OF SHIT WILL BE NEXT DOOR... Oh... GET US OUT OF HERE!
I’ve been SO DAMNED TIRED all day... THREE naps/snoozes! And tight now... I’d like to shower and get to the futon again... and hopefully not get up at 4.00 tomorrow... (And as I type... *I* can smell the damned basin cabinet... and it’s setting my nerves off... and I WANT A CIGARETTE! SO... time to get moving... dim Yonah’s lights... head for the shower... wash the day away... have ice cream... after devouring a box of “Mike and Ikes”... SO MUCH SUGAR! But... “Fisherman’s Friend” at hand... (and tonight, again, I had a “hack”... cough... I wonder... Personally, I believe it’s what’s in the air... it “tickles” the throat too... I didn’t have this when I was smoking! But if something gets into Yonah’s lungs... well... this house won’t be here when we’re gone anyway......)
22.00 And off we go! Showered before futon anyway.
And tomorrow, I have to find my DEC and 1st Aid documents... NCWC is taking “Membership”... should be interesting...


Monday 15 January:
7.17 And the whites are in the basin on the soak and Id give just about anything for a smoke right now. But at least I’m clothed and in fresh clothing and the furnace is running and the Yardies are gathering and there’s food for them but...
I believe (Yonah called at 7.18)
(It’s 15.30 and I’m only JUST NOW FINISHED TYPING THIS DREAM... AND I STILL HAVE TO CATCH-UP WITH THE NOTES FROM THIS MORNING AND ALL OF YONAH’S JOURNAL! I was doing so well this morning, with getting things done but... suddenly it got to 11.30 and then lunch and then... I don’t know what happens, but I can say that this not smoking isn’t working well at all. I mean, one would think that I’d been smoking CARTONS per day! It’s not so much the nicotine drive as it is the psychological aspect and the “taste”... but not taking that break is fucking my days! I’m SO SO SO VERY TEMPTED to get a pack from Dan and try to stretch it out and just cut my “breaks” until... BUT I don’t want to go back before the 20th... Now I’m curious as to what a CT will look like after 8 weeks of not smoking... AND, I could still smoke this week and it would be 8 weeks... I’m making excuses... but in addition to the fucking about with the day... this “smelling shit in the air... and that too, is making me physically sick!) Oh....
Anyway... back to where I was...
DREAM:
Generally, not “dark” but not “light” or “bright”....
It all took place in a MASSIVE OLD MANSION. I was-but-wasn’t employed by the hospital/hospice/care facility. My place there was just completely ambiguous. But I functioned, as it were, as a staff Nurse. (At one point, I understood that I was there because I’d simply walked in, dressed in white scrubs and started to work. Nobody had questioned me and so, there I was. And because I’d also managed to find a room/efficiency in the residence wing, I resided on premises so again, no questions, I’d established my-self there. And this had been the situation for quite a long while.)
I was working with other Nurses (all women) with an elderly, female hospice patient, getting her cleaned and changing her IV. We were called out to the Nurses’ station. There was to be a “conference” that we all had to attend, right away. So we all went along to what was a very large room, a lot of windows, the walls painted a very pale blue, white ceilings, plenty of windows. At the farthest wall, a set of those white-plastic folding tables, set as desks, with phone and files and such. The chairs faced the walls so that those who sat there did so with their backs to the rest of the room. About 3 Nurses, in caps, sat at the phones... the “conference” was held on the phones. In the rest of the room, metal-and-white-plastic chairs were some-what arranged as if, at one time, they were in proper rows but over time, started to get moved about and never put back. We weren’t instructed as to where to sit, it was just a matter of being there. And we really couldn’t hear the “conference” at the “front” of the room other than a few things that the Nurses sitting there said, from time-to-time.
The Nurses at the tables were extremely “stern”... that “pomposity” of some who have the string of letters after the “RN”... as they tend to be.
I walked in, saw a couple of co-workers gathered in small groups of 2 or 3, scattered about in the “back” of the room. I took a chair, more to the back of the room and looked around, having NO idea what this was all about. The others in the room seemed to have some indication of the purpose of this meeting, but nobody was discussing it.
Suddenly, I heard one of the “phone Nurses” comment, to the “phone conference”:
“There’s obviously a cultural difference between us and Canada, but they don’t want to accept that and it’s causing the rest of us the greatest troubles!”
I was SO moved to hear that said, that, FINALLY, somebody was bringing that trouble to the attention of those who had no connection with/to the rest of us but had been making life and work almost impossible because of whining complaints from the Canada-side of all we were doing! I got up from my chair and walked down to the tables, sat in an empty chair beside the Nurse who was speaking and started to say “They DON’T understand because THEY don’t deal with it, but it’s obvious that there’s a cultural difference and I thank you SO much for bringing that up!” The Nurse looked, sternly, at me and then to the phone, as if making a point of the fact that we were on “speaker” and that I was expected to simply listen and NOT speak! Well, so then, I’d made my statement and that’s all I cared about, so, since “Nurse there” was SO self-absorbed, I got up to leave the room. There was nothing I needed to be there for anyway... so I saw.
I went to another room, large, old, walls and ceiling painted the same either terribly old off-white or terrible aged ugly old yellow. A couple of large windows on one wall, but they were so dirty that day-light didn’t really penetrate so the “light” in the room was from the ceiling... and old fluorescent. There were some chairs along only one wall, and on them, some rather over-weight, middle-aged women who spoke little English. They were, I was to understand some of the “house-keeping” staff and others were Nursing staff. They were just sitting there, chatting or not, when I walked in. They looked-up at me, congenial.
I was to understand that they were waiting for the “final word”. The house/building was closed. We were expected to get the patients out (though it was never clear where they were supposed to go to, other than, MAYBE to some waiting vehicles out front, but that was never really understood). Patients had to go and so did the rest of us, and MOST of us there, lived in the “wings” and other floors of the building.
Some had been previously notified and had found other housing, and many had not been notified and were waiting to be “assigned” to other places else-where, but had no idea where or when or how.
It seemed that they all thought that I was one of the “informed” and that I actually belonged there, with the rest. But the fact of the matter was, I was a “squatter” of sorts, never having paid for my room/flat because the building was so large that, nobody noticed that I was residing in the room I’d taken and that I wasn’t an employee, having simply gotten into the building looking for shelter and just “falling into place” with the rest of them. Nobody knew... it seemed.
One woman spoke with me, telling me about another Nurse who was having trouble being relocated because she “had 5 cats”. Fact was, she had only one but it was quite large and was an annoyance and she wasn’t supposed to have it there, but she managed to keep it anyway. Then the woman said that they knew I had a bird (YONAH!) and that moving else-where with the bird might be trouble for me. When I said I had only the one and he’s small, somebody whispered, in a rather disgusted tone, that he made loud noise in the morning. I thought “He coo’s! Quietly! That one’s just got it out for me.”
So, worried about how I was going to get my things together from my room/flat, and how to transport Yonah... AND WONDERING WHERE WE’D GO TO... and trying, simultaneously, to figure a way to stay where we were, wondering what was to become of the entire place and would anybody ever... EVER go all the way over to where my little room was located since it had been a GREAT LONG WHILE since the last time ANYBODY from the administration went over there (the house/building really was THAT large and the “wing” where the rooms were located was SO OLD and all but neglected) I stepped out of that room, leaving the women to themselves, to talk about what their futures were to be. I was about to become quite distraught and so, started to walk back to “my room”...
BUT... stepping out of that room, I stepped into a HUGE LARGE MASSIVE EXPANSIVE OBLONG-SHAPED ROOM SEPARATED INTO 3 SEGMENTS BUT ALL OPEN. THE CEILINGS HAD TO BE AT LEAST 20 FEET UP! ON THE WALLS AND CEILING, ORNATE MOULDING/TRIM. THE ROOM WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY. EVERY BIT OF FURNISHINGS HAD BEEN REMOVED. IT WAS DULL. DIRTY LOOKING. BUT THE EXPANSE, LIKE AN OPERA HALL, WAS ASTONISHING! There were 3 or 4 people “looking” at the room. One woman came over to me, insisting upon showing me the flooring and going on about how beautiful it was and could be restored... something about “they poured the finishing shellac on with the black and it etched itself into the wood-work”. she was impressed... It looked filthy!
As she spoke and I tried to figure my own future logistics and being thrown out and not having a place to bring Yonah to, my anxieties rose, and I started to become despondent... when... as I’ve done before at such times in such dreams... the thought, in the dream... “It’s a dream and the only way to stop this from getting worse is to wake up! WAKE UP!”
And so I did...
I don’t know what time it was, but Yonah’s room was still quite dark. I had to pee, but didn’t want to get up. I started to get up, “rolled” the covers back (as I do so they’re easier to “roll” back over when I get back to the futon) but dozed back off for a while (don’t know how long). When I woke again... I was laying on the futon, un-covered! It was a bit on the “cool” side in the room (of course... the damned window is open a bit) but not at alll uncomfortable. But I pulled the covers back over and... went back to sleep!
15.40! Well... WELL!!! I I don’t know why but, after falling back to sleep, I couldn’t quite stay asleep, and so, the next thing I knew, I was up and about again... woke, got up to check the clock... 5.38 (as I recall). Not sure why I wanted to stay awake at that hour. I WAS A COMPLETE MESS, MENTALLY, THIS MORNING! Couldn’t focus on time, place, events, surroundings, what I should do with the day, wanted to to with the day... it really was as though I’d “split”, mentally. My brain was “mulled”, thoughts were “removed”, “floating” some-where but not being “mine”. I focused on putting the kettle on... by the light from the bed-room. And when I got to the bed-room, I decided to change clothes, wash what I’d been wearing. I mean, it WAS about time but, I didn’t think about where I’d hang anything, since it was well below freezing out-side... SO... I DID pull another “set of clothes” and got dressed and went to the kitchen... put the kettle on... filled the one basin to put the “whites” in to soak... and one thing moved to the next and... coffee made, got the whites washed and put on the rack in the shower... jeans and shirt in to soak... Coffee made. I WANTED A DAMNED CIGARETTE! THIS IS 6 DAYS AND I WANTED A DAMNED CIGARETTE! BUT... I just kept moving with what I could get done this morning...
At 7.17 was sitting at the table, started to journal when... from the next room came...
“woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”!
Monday was officially “Open for Business”! My sole reason for even breathing, waking up in the morning... just BEING, was awake and though the call was “soft”... he sounded GOOD! That’s all I needed to know this morning. I was off to our “regularly scheduled” affairs of the day! When I went into the room, as dark as it was, my Little Guy was stretching his wings and making ready for a morning BREAK from his house. BUT... THE RED LIGHT WAS ON ON HIS LEVOIT! NOT EVEN A MONTH AFTER THE BRAND NEW FILTER HAD BEEN INSTALLED AND THE ONE THAT I’D REPLALCED WAS THE NEWER OF THE 2! I WAS PISSED! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS IN THE AIR IN HIS ROOM? SO... I G OT RIGHT TO THE WATER CHANGE AND THEN... PULLED THE HOOVER OUT OF THE CUBBY AND THE BRUSH FROM THE SHELF AND TOOK THE LEVOIT APART TO CHECK. HOUSE DUST, MOSTLY... IT WASN’T “THICK” BUT IT WAS “THERE”! NOTHING THAT LOOKED “BAD”. IT WAS ALMOST “FIBROUS” AND PALE BEIGE. NOTHING THAT LOOKED LIKE... MOULD! AND NOTHING THAT LOOKED PARTICULARLY HORRID... BUT THAT RED LIGHT! THE SENSOR IN THE PURIFIER SENSED SOMETHING! I’M HOPING THAT IT WAS ONLY THE TINY BLACK FLIES THAT ARE IN THE HOUSE OF LATE (which, I found later, are ‘fungus flies” from the sprigs of English ivy that I’m hoping I can save). Like the “Mass Air Flow” in the bloody truck, one tiny speck in the wrong place. WELL ANYWAY... THE HOOVER CAME OUT, AND THE PURIFIER GOT HOOVERED... AND THEN THE CARPET... AND THE KITCHEN, LIVING-ROOM, BED-ROOM. AND ALL THE WHILE, THE LEVOIT IN THE LIVING-ROOM WAS FINE! PISSES ME OFF THAT IT’S THE ONE IN YONAH’S ROOM... JUST WHAT I DON’T NEED TO SEE... OF ALL THE ROOMS IN THIS SHIT-BOX! AND WITH THE WINDOW OPEN? Maybe it’s the road dust from the snow, salt, sand, snow... All I know is I WANT US OUT OF HERE... QUICKLY AND SOON! NOW... YESTERDAY... 6 MONTHS AGO! BUT THIS MORNING, BEFORE 9.00, THE SHIT-BOX WAS HOOVERED AND I WAS BACK TOO... THE NEXT WHAT-EVER.
And all the while, Yonah was flying about the room, watching me, intently. If not for him, I’d probably drive away... and watch this place colllapse.
Moving on... Everything this morning, from the laundry to the hoovering and such took until 9.40! Almost fucking 10.00 and I was EXHAUSTED... Thankfully, I’d gotten up and dressed early or I’d probably be tempted to go right back to the futon!
Oh yes... and today was Bene-bac day too... I’d put a bit on the food that was in Yonah’s dish already and “topped” it... Will have to watch his poops in the morning tomorrow.
THEN THE SUN CAME UP! BRILLIANT! CLEAR SKIES! JUST MAGNIFICENT! (And I HAD to take a 30-minute lie-down on the futon... AND YONAH CAME OVER AND ROOSTED ON MY SHOULDER... FOR MOST OF THE 30 MINUTES! (That too, pissed me off because it’s time I could spend with Yonah, and today, he was so active and such... he WANTED to play, to be together... and I was so tired... from no cigarettes and the mould, and the stench and now the anxiety of the Levoit and what’s in the air in this Hell.)
When I got up it was almost time for lunch! I’d managed to jot notes for the journal today, but nothing more. But as I put the water on for today’s cereal... (12.04)... THE AIR IN THE HOUSE SMELLED “DUSTY”! From the hoovering? Or MORE SHIT coming in from the attic? Or... Is it ME? Is this shit in my sinuses? Or is it in my psyche? Have I become clinically psychotic because of this shit? JEEZUS KRISTE! I’M FUCKING FED-THE-FUCK -UP with this shit! (Oh... a passing thought: I’d “dropped” a drop of glue on the rent cheque for this month, to make it a bit more difficult to get to and to see if I’d get a call “Could you please send another?” but it cleared already... Oh well... Now I’m thinking of putting the February cheque into the plastic bag with the mould from my sputum for a while and then posting it. Send the shit to where it belong!) Yeah... I’m fed-up.
So we had lunch together... and it seems something’s terribly wrong with the internet of late. 3 different sites for the news, and 3 different “streams”. VERY strange. But Yonah and I had our lunches, in his room, in the BRILLIANT SUN-SHINE! AND...
At about 13.00, I SO wanted a fucking cigarette... but I didn’t so, I decided to venture out the back to clear some of the snow and try to start the truck... HEY! THE TRUCK STARTED RIGHT AWAY AND NO SQUEALING! (And -6°, so it wasn’t “warm”.) The snow? Dusting... but on ICE! The ICE has begun on the walk. Oh well... No, I didn’t put the truck in gear today... I was happy that it didn’t squeal. And tomorrow morning, it’s going to have to go to Vinnie anyway. Let’s see what happens at 8.00 tomorrow morning.
Came back in after than and... didn’t want that cigarette BUT was EXHAUSTED AGAIN... ANOTHER FUCKING 30-MINUTE SNOOZE... and this time, Yonah was on his own until he came over to my shoulder to wake me... before the alarm. I’m getting to where I truly DESIRE TO HARM SOMEBODY... DEEPLY AND SERIOUSLY!
The day had gone by and I hadn’t done the JOURNALS yet! Just quick notes! I was pissed because of the Levoit, the squealing truck AND THEN... COSTCO CANCELLED THE VITAMIN ORDER “TROUBLE WITH THE CARD”! FUCK FUCK FUCK! The e-mail said the card hadn’t been charged so I placed the order again, changing the “billing address” back to the POB (which, as I now think... it was the address for the VISA that has both addresses and NOT the debit! FUCK ME!) and placed the order again... AND THEN, CHECKED THE BANQUE... THE FUCKING HOLD WENT AGAINST THE ACCOUNT TWICE... OVER-DRAWING THE ACCOUNT (but not really because the “balance” is everything before any debits and the “available” is -3$). AND SO, I CALLED COSTCO AND CANCELLED THE SECOND ORDER... WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW BEFORE THE “HOLDS” ARE REVERSED! AND THEN GET TO THE BANQUE AND SETTLE THE BILLING ADDRESSES AND SUCH.... I’LL HAVE TO GO TO GET MONEY FOR VINNIE ANY WAY SO... I’LL DO IT IN PERSON AND SETTLE IT... FINALLY!
AT 15.45 I’D HAD MORE THAN I COULD HANDLE... AND THE WITHDRAWL FROM THE SMOKES WAS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL... I PHONED DAN.... HE LAUGHED. “IT’S YOUR CARTON. YOU BOUGHT IT.” I ONLY WANTED NOT MORE THAN PACK (got 16) BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GET BACK INTO SMOKING... AND CERTAINLY FOR THE 8 WEEKS BEFORE THE NEXT CT AND CERTAINLY BEFORE THE SURGERY (WHEN-EVER THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN... THAT TOO, WEIGHS ON MY NERVES). SO... AT 16.00 I WAS TODDLING DOWN THE HILL... GOT MY SMOKES, HAD ONE WHILST AT DAN’S. Oddly... it was as if I hadn’t stopped at all. How disappointing. But I made sure not to inhale much and I didn’t finish the cigarette... Had half of another when I got back up... at 16.45... and I’d put my dinner on the hob before leaving. Thankfully on low heat! Didn’t really inhale that half either... and when I had the rest, after water relay for Yonah tonight... didn’t inhale that either. I’m not happy about this. I know it’s psychological... more than chemically addicted, but... these days... WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!
It’s 20.09 already, I’m at the kitchen table... “clammy”... because of being pissed off about the day and not having gotten anything done on YONAH’s Journal today. AND TODAY, HE WAS SO LOVING, AFFECTIONATE AND A PURE JOY AND DELIGHT! HE’S IN A GOOD MOOD AND SINGING AND FLYING ABOUT... MOSTLY TO MY SHOULDER... AND TAKING MY KIPPA OFF! AND THIS EVENING, HE CAME WITH ME WHEN WE FINISHED THE WATER RELAY!
Tomorrow’s forecast: cold and snow... of course. And I want to be up and about on time to give the truck a little time to “warm” for the trip... though I don’t have to leave here until 8.00. And I HOPE Vinnie and Kim will make it to the garage... “Flocons” in the morning but with all the ice now... we’ll see.
I want to get to the futon soon... and HOPE to sleep THROUGH THE NIGHT! AND NOT GET UP AT STRANGE HOURS SO I’M NOT IN NEED OF A “SNOOZE” AT 7.30! NOW U WORRY ABOUT THAT. AND AS I SIT HERE, AT THE KITCHEN TABLE... THE FURNACE IS RUNNING... BUT... ALL OF TODAY’S WASHING... INCLUDING THE JEANS... IS PUT-UP... AS IF WASH-DAY NEVER HAPPENED! THE FURNACE... TODAY.. (THE WEEK-END IS SUPPOSED TO ME MINUS FAHRENHEIT... I HAVE TO CHECK THE OIL NOW TOO... AND SEE HOW MUCH I HAVE ON THE ACCOUNT... I DON’T KNOW THAT I HAVE ENOUGH FOR A DELIVERY BUT... MORE TO PISS ME OFF...)
22.32 OK... late... and the fucking kitchen stinks of sour mushrooms... the furnace is running and... I’ve had THREE bloody cigarettes today! NOT again tomorrow! NO. Off to futon! (I’m a bit congested in the chest again... shit.)
19.40 tuck in

Tuesday 16 January:
6.50 Up and dressed and having coffee and why, I’ve no idea other than I had to pee (again) and in the darkness, decided to get up this time and pee (besides, I was dreaming that I’d been sleeping in a library, in VT, on a cot, and there’d been some sort of flood during the night so I woke, on the cot, surrounded by water, had to make my way to a bit of a raised “island”, where there were desks and such, in order to get to a dry place to change into better, fresher clothes and when I’d done, all of a sudden, there were many more people about... they’d waited for me to wake up before getting to the daily business.... and “Kathy” was in the dream... so happy to see me up and about, and brought me to a table of all sorts of “files”, and “folders” and such and said, smiling, in her usual “jovial New England mood sort of being”... “I’d really like to talk to you about this lung cancer...” (WHAT?) We never did get to talk because everybody was opening offices and getting to the daily business. and I still don’t know why I was there in the first place or how I’d gotten there... but again, I was essentially “un-domiciled”... anyway, I don’t like this “un-domiciled” theme of dreams of late and yes, when I woke from this I thought it best to go to the loo because I’d woken previously... for having to “go”, and didn’t) quite the parenthetical. Moving on... when I got to the kitchen... 6.26, thought Yonah will be up soon so... may as well stay up... and I put the kettle on... pee’d... made coffee... am dressed. It’s a chilly one... furnace running, house pretty comfy... and... in an hour... we’ll see if the truck starts and runs... and squeals. I’m tired.
(Picking up on 17 January at 16.54... )
22.04 and the whole day is gone and nothing even “noted” for the day save the entry for this morning. The roads out-side are icy tonight. Idiots coming off the Hill are “fish-tailing as they hit the main. So... no travels planned for tomorrow... it’s supposed to be quite cold and I doubt much will melt. Can’t do any sort of “shopping” anyway... the fucking money for the Costco orders is still on hold and not due to be released until Thursday!)
AND THE FUCKING BLOODY STENCH OF MUSHROOMS IN THE GOD-DAMNED KITCHEN TONIGHT! I SOAKED SOAKED SOAKED THE DAMNED CABINET WITH VINEGAR TONIGHT... I’M FUCKING AT WITS’ END WITH THIS SHIT! HOW I DO SO CRAVE THE ABILITY TO PUNCH THE MASS-HOLE’S FACE RIGHT DOWN AND OUT THROUGH HIS USELESS PEE-HOLE AT THIS JUNCTURE! I WONDER WHAT’S IN THE AIR AND WORRY ABOUT IT TAKING A TOLL ON YONAH’S HEALTH! MY “MOMENT” WILL COME... INDEED... IT WILL... “FATE” WILL INTERVENE!,
Meanwhile... I DID get ALL of this evening’s NCWC meeting in! And it was truly informative. It’s nice when the entire meeting is “on-line”. And I finally got to see the faces that go with the names, like “Jen” who sends the notices of the meetings via “text” and who, in her most recent notice said that this meeting “counts” toward the required meeting attendance. I also learned tonight, what an impressive “budget” this group carries and how impressive their fund-raising is. Tonight’s participation was 58 and that’s hardly the entire membership. AND, I learned that I can participate in the “hot-line” with-out being a Rehabber. Now, I’ll just have to see what else is “required”. They have all sorts of “orientations” and “trainings” so it ain’t just a matter of send a cheque for dues. This group is HUGE! AND... the DEC was mentioned... They asked for photos and stories to put on their “social media” pages BUT STRESSED that people be sure NOT to post anything that would cause DEC to “investigate”. (No “Yonah” photos/stories... I can’t wait to chat with Jen about Yonah and to tell her about the score on the test and my declining the license for Rehabber... we shall see how that goes.) Anyway, the meeting lasted until 20.30... which was good because I’d set Yonah up for “tuck-in” before getting to the meeting but hadn’t set the futon... So, at about 20.00, I did the futon and put the roof board on Yonah’s house... closed his door, dimmed the light and finished the meeting... Poor Little Guy... such a deviation from our “normal”. I still worry so much about when I’ll have to start with medical appointments and... surgery! It’s telling, for me, that I really don’t feel I can trust anybody to make sure Yonah is OK... even if I’m gone for a day. Oh well... People... Never mind.
Earlier in the evening, I watched idiots coming off the Hill and fish-tailing their way round the corner onto the main. There’s a sheet of ICE under the light snow out there, and tonight is supposed to be quite cold so tomorrow will most likely be a “NO travel” day. But that’s fine. I have a shit-load of journalling to catch-up with... and I’m hoping to try making some rolls, instead of loaves of bread. Rolls, so I can either have one with butter and perhaps honey... a quick bite, or, try to turn one into a “grilled cheese sandwich”... I did buy swiss cheese last market. Just a little something... maybe to help get back off the damned cigarettes! I NEVER should have gotten more! I’m really ANGRY with me now. 6 days! And now I’ll be starting over again. But THIS is the last week I can play around... I want to be OFF them WAY before the next CT and see IF any difference shows and what sort of difference.
Anyway, That ‘s that for another day...
(Finally finished this part at 19.14 on the 17th... DAMNIT!)

Wednesday 17 January
16.43 I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE GONE ALL FUCKING DAY AND NOT EVEN A NOTE! AND JUST CAUGHT-UP YONAH’S YESTERDAY AND I STILL HAVE TO GET TO YESTERDAY’S HERE TOO. NOT TO MENTION, I JUST HAD THE FIRST HALF OF THE 4TH FUCKING CIGARETTE OF THE DAY!
But I suppose I should be “satisfied” that I managed to get out, start the truck, clear the snow off it (I parked in the “parking area”, in the sun, this after-noon to clean the truck... and used the post office shovel to do the shovelling of the drive, the back walk and the “entrance” area out front. Fuck it. Really. I’m hoping I can pull it off through this Winter... and NEXT Winter, one way or another, we, Yonah and I, won’t have to be bollocksed with shovelling snow and CHOPPING ICE HERE!
Dinner’s on the hob... and...
I MANAGED TO MAKE A DOZEN ROLLS TODAY! THEY TURNED OUT REALLY WELL! NOW I’M HOPING THEY WON’T GO ALL MOULDY BEFORE I HAVE THE CHANCE TO ENJOY THEM. HAD ONE WITH SOME SWISS CHEESE AFTER TODAY’S FARINA-LUNCH. REALLY... THEY’RE GREAT! THIN CRUST AND SOFT INSIDE! BUT I WORRY ABOUT MOULD IN THE AIR... THOUGH I DON’T KNOW HOW THE FUCK THAT MANAGES TO LINGER... THE BLOOD FURNACE HAS BEEN RUNNING NON-STOP ALL BLOODY-FUCKING DAY... THERMOSTAT SET AT 72F... AND IT’S ONLY BEEN -7° ALL DAY! FRIDAY-TO-SATURDAY... DUE TO BE -20! JEEZUS KRISTE!
Oh... and my meds are in at Kinney! I put t he request in on Monday... a holiday... this new “medical” is AMAZING! I just hope the hospital will be as impressive... and to think, only one visit with Devon, I didn’t think we’d gotten all that much accomplished, but she’s right there... for meds, exams, PROPER blood-work, consults. Maybe it’s that this office doesn’t have all that many patients or that they truly DO care... Time will tell. But so far, it’s more comforting than “UVM”... by a LONG shot.
Changed the ID on the WiFi today... SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF MY-SELF! I got through the “name change” and the system dropped me, of course, because the lap-top was set-up for the previous name. When I went to get back on, instead of the “password” it asked for some kind of “Key”... the number on the router! I had NO idea what to look for but the PHONE made the switch so I got internet and... I NEEDED A DOUBLE SET OF GLASSES TO SEE THE TAGS ON THE ROUTE BUT... Found it after quite the panic... so now it reads “NewRussia” in “Russian”. (I can’t wait to hear how many people notice... no doubt they’ll know it’s me... or maybe they’ll think it’s Sergei.... imbeciles.)
19.19 Well... the rest of the day went along... I tried for a snooze but Yonah wasn’t having it so we played for about 15-20 minutes and I got back up... to work more on the Journals... and... DAMN ME... I’m on the first half of the 4th (or 5th) cigarette for today! 7 left... and I’m NOT going back for more because... well... I WANT to be OFF OF AND AWAY FROM CIGARETTES FOR NOT LESS THAN 4 WEEKS FOR THE NEXT CT. (I’m considering calling to see if Devon could recommend or prescribe something. Buying the damned patches is about 40$ which I just don’t have at this point in time! We shall see... I keep reading how it’s SO difficult to quite for people who smoke for a mere 20 or 30 years... Today I realised, 61 years... almost “officially”... Cigarettes are a part of my existence! It’s no wonder it’s so damned impossible! But... I did 6 days... This house makes it more difficult and the Mass-hole and the bull-shit and the stench of mustiness, mould, mushrooms... and the worry about Yonah... I truly DO want, SO desperately, to harm... I just DO! (If not for Yonah... )
Time to close the day... my LOVE is already on his perch.
19.54 CAUGHT-UP AT LAST! NOW... IF I COULD JUST GET 2022 AND 2023 DONE!
“Running On Time” by Parker Millsap playing on the lap-top... “Running on time” indeed.
I don’t know WHAT is wrong with me, but sitting at the table, I smell the mushrooms from the basin cabinet. Sitting in Yonah’s room, I smell the “mustiness”. I’ve burnt the sage... Something’s truly psychotic about this.
OH... today I realised that the parking brake on the truck is useless! It does NOTHING! Called Kim... at the garage... Vinnie says repair/replacement can run 100-500$! SHIT! I need a lap-top? Tyres? Loard only knows what else... Plumber... A fuck in the ears too, no doubt. Oh well... just as long as I get my medicals done... and in and out of Saranac Lake... I’m looking forward to this too... I’ll get to scope the town... and make this hole known when I speak with the MDs. MAYBE I can get some assistance with getting out of here... for “health”. We shall see... we shall hope (kind of).
Anyway... tomorrow, hopefully the truck will run with-out incident and the banque will have released my MONEY! I need Yardie-food! I need “me food” too but tonight I realised: groceries for a week now cost almost as much as groceries for a month used to! This country is such a 3rd World shit-hole... and the people? Worthless. If somebody would declare and engage... I’d do all possible, just as long as it doesn’t harm Yonah...
Well then... off to an ice cream and... futon! Another day ahead... and another week almost done! FUCK! Time... I’m being robbed!
22.24 Well 4 cigarettes left in the house... and no smokes on the 20th is a month before the CT! YAY!
The furnace isn’t running... AT LAST! But the basin smells of mushrooms and I’m going to switch laundry soap back to Gain for a while and see if that doesn’t take the stench from my nose... Odd that it’s more prominent when I wear the Sherpa but the Sherpa doesn’t directly have that odour. Anyway... off to teeth brushing (and the bottom right rear is bothering me tonight... that whole section needs a “re-fill” we’ll see...).
ONE charge from Petco has been released as of tonight. Let’s hope the other one is gone in the morning.
Bloody lap-top wants to do a major “up-date”. I’ve tried to stop it all until end of February but... I KNOW all shit will hit the fan again... It always does... takes MONTHS to get back to normal! But I need a new lap-top anyway... the excuse? I CAN afford to but I can’t. Oh... the bull-shit begins. And I’ve NO patience (or cigarettes). I could use another round of Zoloft. I wonder if I could coerce Devon... Another... “we’ll see”. For now, here’s hoping NO UP-Dates tonight!

Thursday 18 January:
18.25 IT HAS BEEN A FUCKING DAY.... AND I’M DOWN TO HALF A SMOKE AND GOING THROUGH HALF A BAG OF TWIZZLERS!
Started out PERFECTLY FINE when Yonah called me at 7.26. I was “half-awake”, semi-dreaming, in fact. I can’t remember what I was dreaming but is was another one of those that was leading into aggravation. And I was just getting a left leg contraction so... I was ready to get up and get going. And so... we DID! From opening windows and “singing” ... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” to serving breakfast to the Yardies, of which, there were many this morning.
Ah then... THEN... I turned the lap-top on and... FUCK ME! THE DAMNED “UP-DATES”... AND STUPID ME LET IT RUN! HOURS! AND HOURS! AND HOURS! AND... OF COURSE, WHEN IT WAS DONE... FUCKED! THE “RESOLUTION” ON THE SCREEN CHANGED AND I LOST ICONS... (AND I’M STILL WORKING ON THAT BIT!)... AND THE FUCKING “TASK BAR” IS “BOUNCING” AGAIN, AND I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW TO STOP IT AND ALL THE BULL-SHIT ON-LINE IS USELESS. SO AS I TYPE, THE DAMNED THING IS SHIFTING BACK AND FORTH. SO NOW... THE PARKING BRAKE ON THE TRUCK ISN’T WORKING... THE TYRES NEED REPLACING... AND I NEED A LAP-TOP... WANT TO STOP SMOKING COMPLETELY BY SATURDAY SO THAT IT’S A MONTH (INSTEAD OF THE 8 WEEKS... FUCK) BEFORE THE NEXT CT...
I DID... THIS MORNING, GET TO SHELL AND GRIND SOME PEANUTS FOR THE YARDIES FOR TOMORROW AND SATURDAY AND THE DEEP FREEZE COMING.
Then Yonah and I had our lunch today and right after, I worked on repairing the shopping tote again and went RUSHING out the door... at about 14.15...
GOT MORE FOOD FOR THE YARDIES AT AUBUCHON’S AND THEN WENT TO KINNEY’S FOR THE NEXT ROUND OF LIPITOR... NO CHARGE! THANKFULLY! THEN a run through the market for essentials that brought the FS down to just above 90$ for the rest of the month!
Oh... this morning, ONE Costco charge was gone... this evening, the other is gone too! Money’s back... to nothing...
THEN, AS I’D PUT DINNER ON THE HOB... THE DOOR-BELL... BRADY! HOLDING THE PHOTO OF THE DEAD CHICKEN FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD AT THE PO. “IS THIS YOUR PICTURE?” HOW ABOUT FUCK YOU... I MERELY SAID THAT SEVERAL PEOPLE HAD SEEN THE CHICKEN, 2 TRUCKS HAD STOPPED, ONE DRIVER PICKED THE CHICKEN UP... AND THAT “PICTURE’S” BEEN ON THE BULLETIN BOARD FOR WEEKS NOW. “YOUR KIDS? WHAT’S THAT MEAN? MY WIFE SAW IT AND SHE’S UPSET.” (LIKE AS IF I HAVE A SHIT TO GIVE). “IT WAS PROBABLY McCOY. I’LL PUT IT BACK AND ASK AROUND.” Jolly-lolly doo... and here we go... fukkemall.
So, my day with Yonah, and doing Journals and photos... STOLEN AGAIN!
Meanwhile... the shit-box has the “musty-dusty” stink to it again! I’m fucking fit to be tied! Oh... what I wouldn’t give for a Zoloft... and a Xanax... and a VODKA tonight! And now... before the day goes farther away and I can still type on these Journals... let me get to Yonah’s! Poor sweet heart, thankfully he wasn’t left alone for long today... but still, I was a lousy companion... again...
22.44 DAMN! Off to the futon... furnace running. -13 out there... and no smokes in the house.

Friday 19 January:
20.05 ANOTHER DAY just went right by and I’m now so fucking tired.... and I have a bit of yesterday’s Journal and today’s for Yonah to finish. So, I’ll just jot what’s wort jotting. Hey! When old diaries are read, many of them have one liners for a day’s events. So this doesn’t need too be a novel.... four fux ache.
OK... Yonah didn’t really wake me this morning, I seem to get up before he calls but often, like this morning, I don’t want to get up so I wait...
7.40... I’d gotten up at about 4.30 (as I recall) to pee but... there you have it, and Yonah was in another GREAT mood... in spite of the clouds and chilliness out there today.
Now, oddly enough... I didn’t even think of having a smoke this morning... Odd... so one thing ran to the next...
THAT BLOODY CAT WAS BACK THIS MORNING! IT HAD SNOWED A BIT LAST NIGHT AND THE SHOW WAS DRY SO THE FUCKING FLEA-SACK HAD A BIT OF DIFFICULTY GETTING AT THE BIRDS THIS MORNING, BUT THE NEW GUN IS NOW OFFICIALLY ON THE KITCHEN TABLE, LOADED... ALL NEED BE DONE IS THE CO2 AND BANG WE GO! FUCKING BULL-SHIT! (I hope this gun works properly! because I’m in no mood to take this cat to the SPCA... too far to drive and I’m just not in the mood any more.)
Morning routine/water relay, then coffee then... the rest of that half bag of peanuts. I sat at the desk, the sun came out, Yonah was ALL OVER THE PLACE, FLYING ABOUT... AND ON ME TOO! And that went to lunch... and after lunch, sifted the new bag of “Yardies’” food and added some peanuts... we had the 5 mourning doves back today! And so many little juncos and sparrows and finches! Sr. & Sre. Cardinale were here too. After mixing some peanuts with the new food and putting some out for this evening, I managed to clear the little bit of snow off the truck and get it running. And it ran nicely.... and that moved us into dinner!
I honestly don’t know... HONESTLY... where the fucking time goes! And now, it’s even worse with the no smoking... NOW I’m not taking the time to stop and do that!
Bummed right now... TRULY NEED A NEW LAP-TOP! Need work on the truck. THE SERVER AND DOMAINS COME DUE.... DON’T WANT A LOAN... DON’T WANT TO USE THE CARD... JUST GETTING FED-UP WITH THINGS AGAIN... ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THIS FUCKING SHIT-BOX STINKS AGAIN, TONIGHT... THOUGH NOT HEAVILY... MOSTLY IN THE LIVING-ROOM... and I did manage to Hoover today too..
And my teeth and mouth hurt from all the Twizzlers and lollipops and sugar and shit!
And the “task bar” on the lap-top is still “bouncing”... the screen went out again this evening... and the CU pulled 5$ from savings to chequing because of the Costco shitterie. And my teeth are shifting about and my jaw is changing... I can hear it in my own speech. Oh well... And it’s another day of HEAVY flatulence... and I’d like to know why that is... since the colo.
But for now... the fucking “furnace” is running and will, no doubt, run for the next 3 days, non-stop... Temperature now is -17/-24....with -20/-25 at 4.00 tomorrow morning... Hopefully up-stairs will seriously deep freeze... and the PO too... as well as the out-side walls... though the inside of the shit-box is going to get cold... I might have to use a radiator tomorrow for Yonah’s room.
That’s that... for now... 20.24... Notes on Yonah’s Journal, ice cream and futon! No running tomorrow. -12/-15 temperatures, but I NEED to get to the Journals... find a lap-top... try to get more vit.C (though I wonder if all the years of vit.C didn’t cause a high acidity and that rotted my teeth... I only just wonder...)
Something’s getting to my sinuses now... FUCK this shit-box-Hell-hole!
21.38 I’m off... Furnace (fucking shit) st to 74° so yeah, it’ll run all through the night. There’s a “crisp current” ofair coming across the kitchen from the living-room but the living-room is fine... Again... cold currents, stenches, the lot... obviously “something” in this old place... Hateful? Perhaps not... still... I’d rather let it be here and not me. And I’m going to the futon not... Temp is -17 out there. Poor Yardies! But if this place won’t warm up, the electric radiators come out and the extra cost comes off the rent. I’m done with this bull-shit... and tomorrow... new laptop!

Saturday 20 January:
15.38 It’s been a HELL HELL HELL of a fucking, bloody day today! And as I sit in Yonah’s room... the temperature FINALLY getting up to 24,8°, with the help of the electric radiator (which is SPINNING THE DAMNED ELECTRIC METRE OUT-SIDE!). The météo claims it’s -11/chill:-17 right now... It was -15 this morning when we got up at 7.30! The fucking furnace is roaring non-stop all damned day and wouldn’t break 68F in the living-room or 63F in the loo!
I’VE JUST ACTUALLY TURNED IT OFF WITH THE POWER SWITCH IN THE LIVING-ROOM..... I’M WONDERING IF THAT WON’T “RE-SET” IT SOME-HOW... I HAVE TO GET THE MANUAL AGAIN AND SEE IF THERE ISN’T SOME KIND OF “MONITOR” ON THE SHIT, THAT CAN BE SET TO A “MAXIMUM TEMPERATURE” But right now... I’m damned, fucking, bloody in a mood to... well, were it not for Yonah, this building would be a pile of rubble already today... and me, I’d be rolling off some cliff right after nofifying the authorities and media. WHAT a day to NOT have cigarettes in the house! If I make it through this shit, I’ll have it all made. To think, I woke yesterday and had NO desire for a smoke.. .then comes today... Yeah... somebody deserves quite a bit of pain... and it ain’t Yonah nor me... and my day, my moment, is nigh....
(15.46 Flipping the furnace back on... let’s see... 16.19 OK... so flipped the fucking furnace off then back on... seemed to have “heated” the air for a while... and then it went back to being COLD! So... I flipped it off... counted to 30 and flipped it back on... let’s see... meanwhile, Yonah’s room... 24,4. This does NOT bode well for tonight when temperatures drop again... -17 tonight and then -17 again on Sunday night... well... I’d sent a “depression e-mail” to Deborah earlier... and she phoned to say that if it gets cold in here... take Yonah to their house. Oh well...
And for the day? I’m ACHING FOR A CIGARETTE... AND I DIDN’T WANT ONE ALL DAY YESTERDAY AND DIDN’T WANT ONE THIS MORNING. I’m also aching to punch faces, kick arses, break necks, &c. So there we have it.
Spent most of the day working around the “bouncing task bar”... trying to code a “Home” page for Mr. G’s, and creating little “icons” for the Minds and Twit accounts (which are still active... I’m quite amazed to see). Nothing in today’s post so... that was that for the day. Most of the “trouble” was my vision, and the worse my anger rose, the worse my vision became. So it all slowed me down. I’m going to have to bit a bullet and buy a lap-top... ANY lap-top... This bull-shit is enough/too much!
But ALL DAY, IT WAS ONLY SLIGHTLY CLOUDY, AND YONAH 20.31 Almost wasted day today... SO FUCKING SICK WITH NERVES BEACAUSE OF THE FUCKING FURNACE! REALLY! Nausea... ready to vomit all day... the stress is truly getting to me... if there’d been a way, I would have called to get a script for meds... but come Monday, if things haven’t improved, I WILL call, see what I can get... and take THAT to court! (And yes, I’ve looked-up attorneys... and will take the matter to court! I have to learn how that’s done in this shit-show here... I used to know how in The City... But “city” and “civil” and “intelligent” don’t exist any more here... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED TO THE STATE WE USED TO BE SO PROUD OF? GONE TO ABSOLUTE FUCKING WASTES OF HUMAN WASTE!)”
Right now I’m planning on another pack of cigarettes for tomorrow... But I’ve got NINE tea-lights in the living-room terracotta heater and... FUCK ME... the temperature in the living-room ROSE... FOUR FUCKING BLOODY DEGREES AT LAST !!! It’s now 72 fucking degrees out there!
AND THANKS TO THE RADIATOR... 25° IN YONAH’S ROOM!!!
The electric bill next month is going to be a fuck... and my mind is SO FULL of what to do about all of this. Mayhaps a call to Kari on Monday... bring HUD in... BUT not before I have some “time” up over the flat in the back. I’ve even figured a way to stop the need to worry about water in the basin cabinet... So... here we go!
Anyway... what was accomplished today? Nothing... but right now, 20.37, I put some pine oil into the little metal lid and put that on the terracotta heater... smells so nice in here... and with the little extra heat from the candles and radiator... it’s “comfortable”... I’m leaving the radiator on over-night in Yonah’s room... with that and his Sweeter Heater he should be fine.
Anyway... Sent a “depression e-mail” to Deborah... she CALLLED TO SAY THAT YONAH AND I CAN GO TO THE HOUSE IF WE GET COLD! I sent a “follow-up” but am not being “kind” about these morons and imbeciles here any longer. And Nancy sent a message about the “picture” of the hen that got run over... SHE HONESTLY DIDN’T REMEMBER ME SENDING THE PHOTO TO HER! SO... there you have it. I don’t understand... People truly ARE completely lost... mentally and all.
But right now... I’m going to have my ice cream... I FUCKING WANT A CIGARETTE! MY INSIDES ARE PAINFUL TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THE STRESS AND AGGRAVATION! IF NOT BETTER TOMORROW, THE DECISION WILL BE... DAN OR DOLLAR (STORE). BUT CIGARETTES ARE COMING BACK. THE STRESS OF THIS WILL BE WORSE THAN THE SMOKING THE 2 OR 3 DAMNED CIGARETTES.
22.24 Getting off to the futon, the candles in the terracotta have been replaced... 8 of them... there’s a chill returning to the kitchen... FUCK! I’ve have ice cream. My mouth is sore from all the Twizzlers and shit.. BUT I FORGOT TO RECORD THE DREAM I WOKE FROM THIS MORNING....
Of note, I was actually sleeping on my left side this morning... and in the dream, I was sleeping on my left side in the double bed in the back bed-room at 101. Was having a bit of trouble sleeping when I heard “Gene” come into the room. “Hello.” he loudly whispered. He was coming in DRUNK, at night, the room was pitch dark, and he was coming in to get into the bed... not knowing that I was there! But then, somehow, as I laid there, scared half to my own death that he’d get into the bed and just start beating the breath out of me, I heard him say “OH SHIT!” He’d seen me in the bed! I didn’t dare make a sound or move, but when I opened my eyes... in reality, for some reason I couldn’t decipher which way I was laying on the futon, I saw the light from the window at my foot but it looked to be at my side and I was frozen with fear that Gene was coming over.
I want a fucking cigarette... I’m going to the futon... and HOPING the radiator keeps Yonah’s room warm enough for him!

Sunday 21 January:
THIS MORNING, AGAIN... THAT FUCKING CAT WAS UNDER THE TRUCK WAITING FOR THE BIRDS! I PULLED THE GUN OUT, FILLED IT WITH BBs AND THE CARTRIDGES ARE ON THE TABLE, AT THE READY! I’M GOING TO HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE OPEN IN THE MORNINGS AND WHEN I GO TO PUT FOOD OUT, BRING THE GUN, READY TO SHOOT! FUCK!
15.42 Fucked another day... after 14.00... just toddled down to Dan’s and got more cigarettes. Had one whilst there and a drag when I got back up. I “feel” better but I’m pissed... but I really just cannot take the stress of it all. Even though I understand that it’s “psychological”, very similar to the “routine” of going to visit somebody every day in hospice... and when they die... the “psyche” is jolted when there’s nobody to go to visit any more... still, with the bull-shit and fuckeries of this house these days... the stench in the air, the leak in the kitchen, the “furnace” being a fucking “heat pump”, the pandering, patronising, the fuckeries of he “village folk” in general... worrying about Yonah’s health, with the air quality in here, and always wondering if he’s in good health and mood... new “health care”... pondering the travel up to Saranac Lake in a truck that’s just starting to behave as badly, health-wise, as my old body is... well... I just HAVE to CONTROL ME! And NOT be controlled... It truly ISN’T a physical addiction at this point... and I’ll be a bout of Zoloft would “fix” the whole thing with-in about a week’s time. (I’m seriously considering “chatting” with Devon about the possibilities... we’ll see how I feel tomorrow...)
For now... I was SO comfy at 7.25 this morning when Yonah called... But we got up and about and... I really didn’t “crave” a smoke so that was good. And we got “things” together this morning, and I managed to “clean” the “Contact Us” and “Blog” pages on the G’s site... and backed it up to the lap-top (to be moved to a SeaGate) because of all the new pages and works and shit... NOW I NEED TO GET THESE JOURNALS CLEANED-UP... ESPECIALLY YONAH’S!)
Ran the truck for almost 30 minutes whilst visiting with Dan. After yesterday and last night’s freeze... the poor thing was hesitant to turn over but... it ran and got a good warming-up.
I have the manual for the fucking furnace now... I’ll check to see if there isn’t some sort of “adjustment” that needs to be made on it and if so... I’ll do just that. I don’t care about this place any more. DID notice that the living-room managed to break up to 72F though... but the sun is setting... on the front of the house so... and Yonahd room got up to 27! with the radiator... It was 23 this morning when we got up... Fuck!
Dan says his furnace runs 24/7 too... and he’s using electric heaters and such all over the house to break 63F! In-fucking-sanity!
Well... for now... 15.54... Time to put the chicken on... I baked the breasts this morning too. Got that much “accomplished”... and the day is shot already! (It was sunny though... there’s that much... and not as cold as yesterday... there’s that too... fuck...)
AND MY LITTLE GUY’S BEEN SO ATTACHED AGAIN TODAY... when not “huddled” somewhere... calling the “perch-coo”! MY ONLY REASON FOR HOLDING ONTO ANY TRANCE OF SANITY! ONLY... SOLE... NOTHING ELSE, MORE, LESS, OTHER....
19.48 SO FUCKING TIRED AGAIN AND TONIGHT, NOT FIGHTING IT... Yonah’s tucked-in and I’m ready to tuck in too!
BUT JUST HAD TO ADD BEFORE CALLING THIS DAY DONE... I GOT THE MANUAL FOR THE “FURNACE” AND IMAGINE THIS... I OPENED THE FIRST OF THE TWO THAT WERE IN THE PLASTIC BAG AND IT OPENED TO THE DEAD-CENTRE... AND... ***** HEAT PUMP ***** INSTRUCTIONS! THE FUCKING THING *** IS *** A HEAT PUMP INDEED! AND IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN WIRED AND INSTALLED AS A FURNACE BUT WASN’T AND SO, AS A HEAT PUMP, IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN “OUTSIDE SENSOR” SO THAT WHEN THE EXTERNAL TEMPERATURE IS LOW, IT USES THE OIL AS A FURNACE BUT THIS ONE DOESN’T HAVE A SENSOR SO IT TRULY *** IS *** JUST A FUCKING HEAT PUMP !!! I KNEW IT AND NOW IT’S PROVEN! SO , SHORT OF GETTING A “SENSOR”... LOOKS LIKE I’M GOING TO GO DOWN THERE AND FUCK AROUND WITH IT AND SEE IF I CAN’T JUST “CONVERT” IT TO FURNACE! (Although... right now, the house is warm and toasty and Yonah’s room is about 25° but there will be more bitter days and nights to come... in February, so...). TIME HAS COME TO START THE WAR... DRAIN THE KITCHEN BASIN TO THE CELLAR, ATTEND TO THE MOULD AS *** I *** SEE FIT AND TALK WITH KARI ABOUT HUD... I’M DONE WITH THIS SHIT... ESPECIALLLY SINCE I’VE ALREADY HAD THREE FUCKING CIGARETTES TODAY! AND YES... “WAR” IT IS. I’LL SEE TO IT THAT THIS HOUSE IS NEVER INHABITED AGAIN AFTER YONAH AND I LEAVE!
And all I got “accomplished is running the truck and the G’s up-dates... that’s the day... fucked.
We’ll try again... tomorrow... And tomorrow I’m going to call for another loan... for a new house for Yonah, lap-top and what-ever else I can get money for... WTF? Eh? Why not, if I can?
Now, whilst its warm... off to wrap the day and get back to the futon! 20.37 Yonah is still awake.. .but I’m off to the futon... can’t believe it... a couple of smokes today and coughing again. Here’s to NO SMOKING tomorrow! DAMNIT! (Looking forward to calling for a new loan...)

Monday 22 January:
17.52 and the news is “playing”... the kitchen basin is FULL of dishes waiting to be washed... and I’ve just started the FIFTH FUCKING CIGARETTE OF THE DAY... AND I STILL HAVE ALL OF YESTERDAY’S JOURNAL TO DO FOR YONAH PLUS TODAY’S... and I’ve printed a spread-sheet for the MOULD expenses to go with the receipts and rent cheque for February and... AND... AND...
THERE’S AND “EXTRA” 2G IN THE SAVINGS ACCOUNT TONIGHT... TO COVER TRUCK REPAIRS, HOPEFULLY A NEW LAP-TOP AND EXTRA TO JUST GIVE BACK TO THE CREDIT UNION !!! YES, THIS MORNING, I GOT ON THE PHONE, RANG THE CREDIT UNION AND BY 13.00... DONE! (And I paid the Spectrum with the UHC for February’s bill... providing they don’t pull bull-shit and raise the fucking bill again... which I’m expecting them to do. *AND* today I get the message that the “Extra Help” of 30$ will cancel in April! FUCK these people! 79,98 to 109,98/month and UHC isn’t going to cover THAT... Yeah.. I’m pissed... BUT...
THE LOAN IS A COMFORT... I CAN GET THE TRUCK IN TO BE REPAIRED AND PREPARED FOR THE TRIPS UP THE MOUNTAINS... INCLUDING... I HOPE... A NEW “MASS AIR SENSOR”!
AND... in spite of all else with the fucking HEAT PUMP... woke to 20,5 in Yonah’s room but it’s currently 26,7! I have NO idea HOW... but there it is...
Today began with the “call” at 7.20... and I was half-awake, in that “some-what dream” state, pondering getting up and slipping into “dreams” of no particular kind or reason or cause.
I THINK I slept last night, but this morning, I’m supposing it’s the smoking again, I was SO TIRED! Truth is though, last night, my mouth was so sore that I didn’t brush, just Listerened. Feels like my entire face is “shifting” and my “Ss” are becoming sibilant! Fuck! 16,000$ lurking... and the best I could do today... 2G. Right. Not sure what or how, but SOMETHING HAS GOT TO BE STARTED with this shit!
Meanwhile... other than the “banquing” today... that’s about ALL I managed to get to... Including the new spread-sheet for the loan and getting the books done. NOTHING even remotely what I’d planned for today.
Last night was TRULY STRANGE THOUGH...
“at 21.20 I went in, turned off the desk lamp in Yonah's room and turned the moon light on stepped out of the room...
wooHOOhoohoohoo twice! Went back in turned on both moon lights to brightest. He was VERY MUCH AWAKE
Kisses and playful!
I stepped out after some playing and kisses.... woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo again...
Silly Llittle Guy!
At about 21.45 I got onto the futon and for a while, he made his soft perch-coos... and I coo’ed back a few times until he stopped.
I left the little moon-light on for about half an hour and the turned it off... and... I suppose we both went to sleep because it was silent... and I drifted off.
I can’t imagine what kept him awake OR why he was “perch-coo’ing” after I got onto the futon. I left the light on so he could see me on the futon so he knew he wasn’t alone. But it was almost heart-breaking. I usually wish I could have him close during the night. Tonight was exceptionally painful for me as I laid there, wondering if he wasn’t pining for a mate or at least another dove. Thankfully, today, Yonah was his usual self, though active and he came to "visit" several times today as I sat at the desk. I’m “concerned” about his vision though... when I printed the “Mould Expense” sheet, I put a copy on the desk and he came down and started pecking at it, as though it were seeds! Now I’m wondering if his vision is off... and if so... could it be because of his original injuries or the MOULD! I’m LIVID again... This place needs to be destroyed... and WE NEED TO GET OUT OF IT! (I wanted to call Kari to ask for clarification on the “Voucher” today... On the list for tomorrow.)
And now... this evening, I’m waiting for a call from Vinnie/Kim for an appointment to check and repair the parking brake on the truck.
So... the shit-box is warm now... may it stay this way. Not sure if/when I’ll be able to stop the electric radiator, but at least for now... Yonah’s room is warm... and the shit-box doesn’t stink... yet.
OH! THIS MORNING, THAT DAMNED CAT AGAIN! GUN OUT ON TABLE! I SLAMMED THE DAMNED DOORS I’LL HAVE TO GET THE GUN READY FROM NOW ON...
21.10 I SMELL THE MUST AGAIN! HAVEN’T SMELLED IT FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF BITTER COLD DAYS! AND IT’S SETTING MY NERVES OFF AGAIN!
AND MY FRONT TEETH, UPPER, ARE “SENSITIVE” TONIGHT.... I WONDER IF ALL THE SUGAR AND CANDY AND LOLLIPOPS DIDN’T CAUSE SOME KIND OF DAMAGE!
YONAH’S ROOM IS 27° AND THE HEAT PUMP IS STILL RUNNING. I RE-SET IT FROM 80F TO 75f AND IT’S STILL RUNNING... I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THIS FUCKING SHIT-BOX! GOD PLEASE GET US OUT OF HERE SOON, QUICKLY... COMPLETELY...!
23.22 NOT happy about the hour but... here we are... and the house doesn’t have the must-smell now... BUT THE HEAT PUMP IS STILL RUNNING AND THE TEMP IN THE LIVING-ROOM IS 78... SET AT 75 AND WHAT-EVER... FUCK. I guess that closes the day.
Yonah had another dificult night to fall asleep but he’s been quiet sor the while so I’m hoping.
Let’s see what time we wke tomorrow.
I really ought to do something about these teeth... but 16000$ NOT... there’s GOT to be a better way... I’ll have to look into it.
Need a hair-cut... amongstother things.
AND NO SMOKING TOMORROW... PLEASE! MUST HAVE SMOKED 8 TOADAY! IT’S GOT TO STOP!
IF I COULD GET A SEDATIVE... AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Tuesday 23 January: 15.35 and I’m not farther into the journal catch-ups than ever any-where BUT... I HAVE gotten this month’s propane (and came in at 20$ UNDER budget...), AND the “MOULD PAPER-WORK” IS COMPLETE, AND IN A MANILA ENVELOPE WITH THE RENT CHEQUE, READY TO HIT THE POST! Cleaned the file cabinet out a touch... got the “budget” up-dated... checked the oil (half tank). And the fucking “heat pump” has actually CYCLED today... though it’s still running 26° in Yonah’s room and his window is open... and the bloody CO monitor beeped a couple of times today... and I’ve had another 4 or 5 smokes! FUCK THAT! Anyway... there’s the slightest stench of “musty” in the air (or in my nose, because I moved about the shit-box too much).AND POOR YONAH... WE PLAYED A BIT DURING THE DAY BUT I’VE BEEN A LOUSY COMPANION! THE MOULD PAPERS... FUCK!
19.57 The house is settled for the night. I’ve smoked entirely too much all day again and down to 2 cigarettes again... And again, tomorrow, I’ll try to bump them all, but, as of right now, it doesn’t look promising... there’s that “something” in the air again tonight. Not “obvious” other than that “dry” feeling in the throat and the “burning” in the eyes and nose. Lingering shit in the air. AND the filtre in the alcove in Yonah’s room is WHITE again! The window in his room was open today, and the house maintained quite the warmth! It’s -5 out there right now, though it doesn’t feel that way. But there’s another snow/rain bout coming and the “barometric pressure” must be changing. Every fucking time it does... We need to get the fuck out of here. And I looked into that place in town, “Senior Living” that Amy says is really nice... It’s a “bed-room”... no kitchen. One of “those Senior Centres”. So, that’s out. And back we go to search. I’m still hoping something will come from the trips to Saranac Lake. But for now... I’m still behind in Yonah’s journalling... MUST get to that. I’d LIKE to get back to posting to his “Journal On-line” this month”... and with photos... the way it should have been all along. But now that I’ve gotten the “mould shit” out of the way (ready to post), that’s one less “item” on the list.
Still want to find a lap-top... and a new “mass airflow” for the truck... and get that brake fixed... and some “PineSol” to DUMP upstairs. They claim it kills mould and it’ll smell nicer up there. I just HOPE that no birds have taken refuge up there for the cold weather! Hurting any of them sickens me to my core.
But what relief to have the propane delivered this morning and to chat with the guy who delivered. And as for the oil, I’m going to wait until it drops to just below a half tank and then call for an “emergency”... and just say that I can’t even make the minimum delivery. MAYBE I’ll be able to get a full tank. (And OH! The income that’ll generate when I leave here... That and the propane... nice “start” to a new place.)
22.10 From Yonah’s journal...
21.45 and I’m at the kitchen table... finishing up on today’s journalling... and Yonah is on my shoulder. At 21.38 I went in to turn the desk lamp off and the moon light on and again, tonight, as I stepped out... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”... twice. So I went back to check... He was on his night perch, and as with recent nights when he’s done this, he was SO AFFECTIONATE! So, kisses and neck rubs and re-assurance that I was simply in the kitchen and would be right in shortly... All seemed well, and so I headed back out to the kitchen...
“woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”...
I went back in, put on both moon lights, as I’d done before, a check to see what was what in his house... he appeared to be just fine... so I said “You need to get your rest. You were so busy today, we were busy, and you’re going to be so tired tomorrow. OK. Seepie-nigh-night... I’ll be right in. I’m only just in the kitchen... I’ll be in in a couple of minutes...” and... I stepped back out...
Got back to the kitchen when... “woo-HOO!” the call... not the “perch-coo”. So... this time, I put my Sherpa on, because he gets comfortable on my shoulder or in the hood when I wear it, and I went back... opened his door, reached in and brought him to my shoulder and said “OK. Come out to the kitchen with me, if you want to.”
22.00 and it looks like he wants to... We’re listening to music, I’m typing... and he even allowed for a short “video” (which I HAD to take, even though the quality on the lap-top is terrible, especially in the dim light)...
22.06 I got up, walked into his room... with him on my shoulder... got to his house and leaned my shoulder into his house and he hopped right over to his perch. Both moon lights are on in his room... “Tucked-in”? We shall see... I wonder what’s going on with him now? And it’s starting to concern me... deeply... not sleeping... wanting to be close... I’m on the verge of “fright” now... What is he telling me? I daren’t think...
MEANWHILE....
I’m really tired now... but want some ice cream... and there’s ONE cigarette left for...
It snowed ever-so lightly this evening
and I’m a little heart-sick... wondering why Yonah’s not sleeping these evenings... WHY? Is there something he’s trying to tell me? Well... if... then... both of us... January...
23.39 I’m wrapping this up. Yonah’s been quiet... I HOPE he’ll sleep!

Wednesday 24 January: 19.50 Yonah is just putting himself to “tuck-in” but I’m sitting at the desk, with the desk lamp on ‘low’. Since he’s been staying up and such until late these past few nights, I’m going to try and sit with him for a while and see how it goes... mean-while, I sit, here, no cigarettes in the house again, having “nursed” ONE... ALL DAY until just after dinner and now... as the heat-pump (fuck) runs, and the rains drizzle out-side (fuck), and my eyes can “sense” something in the air... FUCK... let me jot some notes about today because that’s probably all I’ll have energy and interest and patience for... I still have to get to Yonah’s journal too... and I can’t believe I didn’t get ANYTHING jotted here all fucking day so....
To start... Yonah woke me this morning, from a nasty little dream... at 7.24... I’m rather surprised that he was up and so energetic at that hour, considering how late he finally got to sleep last night.
The DREAM was ever-so strangely odd... I was at some kind of auditorium or such, with a black-haired woman (who reminds me of Sue Kehoe from ETC!). And though I don’t recall all the particulars, I DO remember that she had a loft of vases and glass-ware that she was SO fond of and some of which was worth a LOT of money! Earlier in the dream, we were packing her house up for some reason, and I was there to help. She was in a great mood and I was quite depressed (why, I don’t know... but I was). The first “piece” do be smashed was a drinking glass, made of some expensive crystal. She took it OK, after a bit of shock but it bothered ME more than it bothered her... But Yonah woke me when the woman, seeing that I was so depressed, tried to cheer me up and brought some sort of I-don’t-know-what that was made of “panels” of cardboard, painted orange, and when placed over a VERY LARGE step-ladder, was supposed to look like a HUGE orange “Christmas tree”! So she started putting it over a step ladder that surely must have been a good 40ft high (it’s a dream) and laughed as she had difficulty. She asked me to lend and hand and as I did, she tried to raise the ladder and it rose up-right and then.. teetered and fell away from us... across the floor crashing into a table on the opposite side of a grand “ball-room” and came DOWN on a very plain and simple but breath-takingly expensive vase! I was devastated and the woman was doing her best to keep a good mood about it... “It’s just a glass vase, after all...” she said, as Yonah called...
I wanted to stay on the futon and sleep a while longer, but then, decided to get up and if I was tired, would snooze during the day... and got into the morning routine... waters, coffee... food out for the Yardies...
It had snowed last night at some point. Not a lot, but “shovellable”. I put some food out on the snow and got back to the Yonah’s room (all the while, doing my best to avoid thinking about a morning smoke... one cigarettes was in the drawer and I wanted to, at least TRY to avoid it).
Well... The sky stayed over-cast all day and it was about 1° for most of it so, of course... FUCKING NASTY MUSTY FUNK IN THE FUCKING PLACE this morning! (And, pretty much through the day... in spite of open windows and doors... of course).
I managed though, to keep busy right up to lunch time!
After getting Yonah settled... and he was in such a GREAT MOOD today!... I went out, just to clear the back walk for the Yardies... so they could be fed properly... but, of course, that led to clearing beside the truck which led to starting the truck to run it and clearing it off and clearing the drive... even as Kevin came to open the PO.
Chatted with Amy who said there are 12 units at that place in town, and they have kitchens and such and that I should go have a look and if need, she’ll get a contact number. I’ll have to run by next “skip trip”.
And then, after the shovelling, I managed to feed the Yardies properly. And then...
Took Yonah’s pool apart and into the kitchen... Ran vinegar through the pump and fountain... in fact, this time, I set the entire fountain up on the counter and ran the vinegar through it as I washed the pool in the basin! (there was a bit of “something” in the “out-put” tubing... the vinegar didn’t get it so I poured peroxide into the vinegar and ran that through and then the rinse. There’s still a “something” in the tubing but what-ever it is, it can’t be harmful and no worse than what must be in the plumbing through THIS shit-box! And today, the pool got scrubbed with steel wool and washed quite thoroughly!
By the time I’d done... it was lunch time! So Yonah and I had our lunch breaks at about noon... at 13.00 I tried for a 30-minute snooze but Yonah wasn’t having it at first... as it ran... I had a lie-down for 45 minutes!
BUT... WHEN I GOT UP FROM THAT... I WAS OFF TO THE LOO FOR WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY GOOD HAIR-CUT! followed by what turned out to be a pretty good SHOWER... all of which took me just about to dinner prep time!
In between and even with the goings on today I grabbed a drag or 2 off the one cigarette.... stupid me.
OK... So... fresh clothes and food on the hob... meal at 17.00 and after.. a bit of shopping... for that new lap-top. I have it in the cart for Amazon... they claim they have 3 left, and just when it came to paying... just under 600$... I just can’t... and I don’t know why... But, truth is, I could pay on the VISA (which I don’t want to do because I still think of that as “medical” for Yonah) at about 8% or use the loan which I took under “vehicle repairs” and they haven’t been done (but better be soon because I have to drive up to Saranac Lake in 2 weeks!). So... last minute... nope... just left it in the cart, closed the site. (I’m stupid and will regret it but...)
And then... Did the waters and windows for Yonah and when I got done, he’d gone to the lap-top! So I couldn’t type... right away. I turned the heating pad on, hoping he’d prefer the warmth of that... went to the kitchen for a “Twizzler” (and to check the stumps of teeth in my face... and they’re HORRIFIC! broken above and even IN the jaw... AND THE FRONT TEETH ARE ABOUT TO COME OUT ONE OF THESE DAYS... SO... it’s off to find how to get the dentures... I see me with NO teeth for a while... Oh well... it’s not like I need to impress anybody for any reason any more... still... HEY! MAYBE TEETH ARE THE VASE IN THE DREAM? I don’t know...). OK... when I came back into Yonah’s room, he’d gone up to his perch.
And now... 20.27... he’s been “settled” on his perch... I’ve been typing... no music, no tele... just the “woosh” of the fucking heat-pump... which is still set at 75F and has the house at 74F... for all the fucking good it does.
I’ve decided to wait until February... to call for an “emergency” for the oil... See if I can’t get a “fill” and then have a bit more over... so that the Mass-hole will have to pay me for it! “Moving expenses”...
Time to get the futon together and see what happens with the Little Guy tonight... I HOPE he’s settled and can get some sleep tonight.
Supposed to be “misty” tomorrow, all day, above freezing... I’d like to get a little “’shopping” done in the morning (non-loan cash to limit spending) so...
23.05 AGAIN... BUT... MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GUY HAS SNOOZED AND I’M DELIGHTED... Tomorrow’s going to be difficult... I’m exhausted!

Thursday 25 January:
12.35 and only JUST getting to sit... JUST put the lap-top on for lunches and news... had cereal... and...
My PRECIOUS Little Guy woke me this morning at 7.24 (again) with SINGING SINGING SINGING! And I wanted to stay on the futon... UNCOVERED BECAUSE THE ROOM WAS THAT WARM FOR A BLOODY CHANGE!
BUT WHAT A MISERABLE NIGHT, LAST NIGHT! THE PAIN IN THE LEFT LEG... UP THE CALF. NOT THE “USUAL CONTRACTION” THOUGH. THIS WAS A LINGERING “PULL”. I WAS UP WALKING TWICE AND BOTH TIMES, I WAS WORRIED THAT MY LEFT LEG WOULDN’T HOLD ME UP!
14.13 HAD TO TAKE A SNOOZE.... FOR A WHILE...
MEANWHILE... LAST NIGHT’S EPISODES... I SWEAR IT’S BECAUSE OF THE SNOW SHOVELLING! I MUST HAVE TWISTED THE SPINE EVEN MORE OR SOMETHING AND NOW, NERVES ARE BEING FUCKED-UP! BETWEEN THE BACK/LEGS AND THE TEETH, WHICH I NOTICED LAST NIGHT, ARE PROGRESSIVELY WORSE THAN EVER BEFORE... THE BACK OF THE FRONT UPPERS IS SO VISIBLE... JAW BONE IS DISAPPEARING NOW... 16000$ FOR DENTURES... THERE’S NO WAY UNLESS I CAN FIND SOME PLACE CHEAPER... AND OF COURSE, I’M RATHER SURE THAT THE ONLY “CLINICS” ARE IN VT... NOT TO MENTION I CAN’T SEE THE SENSE AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE-TIME... I MEAN... IF YONAH AND I HAD ANOTHER 20 YEARS, GUARANTEED... BUT FOR NOW... JUST MORE SHIT ON THE MIND.
But... this morning, I managed to get up and about and there was no pain. Jumped to open Yonah’s house and then to the kitchen, kettle on... pulled the laundry basket and was preparing to do that little bit of washing and get the place together a bit when... as I was opening Yonah’s room, getting Yardie’s food together and pondering a quick run into town this morning...
I BLOODY STRUCK THE COFFEE BEAKER WITH THE PRESS... AND COFFEE ALL OVER THE COUNTER, ME AND THE FLOOR! AND THE RUG AT THE BASIN! SO... THERE WE WENT... THE RUG WENT INTO THE SHOWER, JAMMIES IN A BASIN (they needed washing anyway really but...), GOT YONAH’S ROOM TOGETHER... WENT TO WASH THE RUG IN THE SHOWER WITH THE HAND-HELD AND THAT POPPED OFF... I CAUGHT IT BEFORE TOTAL SOAKING OF ME... JAMMIES WASHED AND ON THE RACK WHEN THE RUG WAS WASHED AND SCRUBBED AND PUT ON THE BACK RAIL (AS IF THAT’S ANY GOOD... THE TEMPERATURE THIS MORNING WAS OBVIOUS “THAW” BUT CLOUDY AND, OF COURSE, DAMP! BUT THERE IS WAS... JAMMIES ON THE RACK IN THE SHOWER... A BASIN OF THE “LIGHTS” AND A BASIN FOR THE JEANS... GOT THOSE WASHED... STEPPED OUT TO FEED THE YARDIES AND HAD TO SHOVEL A BIT OF THE SNOW (to make room for the next snow-fall)...
At about 10.30... headed out to the truck and into town... 100 out of savings... off to FamDoll... cleaning shit AND pack of Camels! (I’ll TRY smoking no more than ONE at most but I’m already through one... taking 3 drags at a time... and my “congestion”... it was there already this morning... so... along with the strangest “pain” in the mouth... tongue in particular... I’m pretty sure it’s all the candy shit! Anywayy... FamDoll... then to Aubuchons for more Yardie’s food... over to Stewart’s for 30$ gas... I was down to about 3/4 and that should have filled but didn’t quite (though the gauge says it’s full) and to market for 2 Perry’s, a yoghurt, some nasty fatty chicken and a bag of TootsieRoll “minis”... 30$ there for that little bit oif shit... 60$ left until February! But, the gas tank is full...
When I got back, the PO was closed and I backed into the drive... and now I see VERY WELL CLEARLY... “Park” really isn’t the best gear for the truck parked on the hill.... I’m so fucked... TRANSMISSION WORK? THERE’S AN EASY 2G$ RIGHT THERE FUCK! Well... we’ll see what February brings... when it does.
Oh, mention the Mass-hole to Casey as we were talking about this shit-box. She said “I’ve never heard anything good about him.” There we have it. When I said he’s under the impression that ALL of NR luv him... she said, “Well, obviously, that’s not true.” So there we have it.
Got back at about 11.45... in time for lunch. Can’t say the morning was wasted but... and poor Yonah... alone and he’s been so affectionate of late, enjoying company and being on my shoulder and all... But... we had lunch and ... I grabbed a 30-min. lie-down. And when I laid down at first... THE PAIN IN THE LEFT THIGH! THIS SHIT IS FUCKED-UP.. BUT I MANAGED TO GET TO DOZE... AND WHEN I WOKE...
YONAH WAS ON MY CALF... HE’D DOZED WITH ME! MY SANITY, SERENITY... MY ONLY REASON AND CAUSE FOR ANOTHER BREATH!
At 14.34 the snow is still crashing off the roof, shit’s melting... it’s grey out there. The washing on the rack is in the living-room, drying, temperature in Yonahs’ room is 26,3! and the day rolls on... I have to get to HIS Journal now... NOW!
19.42 I’m in the kitchen... music playing on the lap-top... Yonah tucked-in at 19.30... and my hopes that he’ll settle and sleep... top of my heart.
I HAVE TO NOTE HERE: I HAVE THE FRONT DOOR OPEN... AND THE HEAT PUMP IS RUNNING BUT AT 19.30... THE DAMNED THING WENT OFF FOR THE FIRST TIME ALL FUCKING DAY! BUT ONLY FOR ALL OF 2 MINUTES! MEAN-WHILE, THE TEMPERATURE IN YONAH’S ROOM AT 10.30... 27! THIS FUCKING HOUSE IS CURSED... I SWEAR IT IS... AND ALL THE SAGE BURNING... MAYBE WHAT I NEED TO DO IS TAKE A SHIT-LOAD UP TO THE ATTIC AND “SMUDGE THE SHIT” OUT OF THIS PLACE. BUT THE CURSE HERE IS PROBABLY SO DEEP... ONLY HELL-FIRE WILL BREAK IT... AND EVEN THEN... I DOUBT IT.
Anyway... I’m on the 3rd Camel... and I’ve been taking 3-5 drags here and there today. Well... to think, if every time I’d take a drag, it could have been a whole cigarette... that’s almost 10 cigarettes! This shit has got to GO!
Saw a “cute” little place for rent up in Lyon Mountain... on the Crgslst...690, 1BR... tiny place in a bit of a multi-unit building. We could do Lyon Mountain but I worry... It used to be a mining town and there’s still some sort of “sand” business going on, using the sands left from the mining days. Air quality? I wonder. It’s almost worth the looking into though. The population of Lyon Mountain is, they say, 420 but the building is located out-side the little village-proper. Shopping? A gas station/convenience. Businesses? The gas station and post office. It isn’t far from Danemora so it isn’t far from Plattsburgh... And getting to Saranac Lake isn’t really “impossible”... It’s about the air quality... and the kitchen has a double sink, under a window. I need to get into the truck and go looking! That’s what I need to do... I just can’t stomach leaving Yonah here, alone... I’ll have to though... on the 5th and then on the 20th and just the thought of that makes me sick... physically. HOW I SO HATE WHAT THIS PLACE HAS BECOME! (Although, we’re going on 5 years here... and 5 years has usually been my “max capacity” for patience with any place... something about “5 years”... But still, this place... the air in this box... it’d be nice to find a place “locally” but... I’m still very hopeful about Saranac Lake... we shall see... in about a week... on 5 February...
In other news... this evening, before dinner, I had an “episode”... I haven’t have one of those in a while... SUDDEN OVER-WHELMING FATIGUE... I COULD HAVE LAID DOWN ON THE MAIN AND GONE RIGHT TO SLEEP! AND MY HEART FELT AS THOUGH IT WAS RACING! BP 116/68 PULSE 70, O2 98. MAKES NO SENSE... ANXIETY ATTACK TO BE SURE... WHY? I’VE NO IDEA... PROBABLY JUST MY BRAIN TRYING TO PURGE AT THE MOMENT.
But, as of right now... January’s Journals are current! Imagine that? I have to keep this up. That means tomorrow... I dig back to the work I’ve neglected for FAR FAR TOO LONG!
The rug is on the rack in the living-room. All the rest of today’s washing is dry... the shir is damp, on hanger in the bed-room door-way... but...Oh... and I made the GRAVE error of dumping the “pool water” into the shower this evening... I don’t know HOW but... ALL OVER THE FLOOR! Typical of this shit-hole.
Well... 19.59... caught-up... let’s use the time wisely... and get to the futon and HOPE LIKE FUCKING HELL I GET SLEEP TONIGHT... I’m getting pain in the lower, right, back now... in addition to the leg contractions. The fatigue, anxiety... FUCK ME! Now that I have a reason to “be”... “Life”... what a miserable prank. FUFK CUKCUFUCKI! (Yeah... I said that.)
22.07 Off to the futon and Yonah’s managed to snooze... let’s see how the night goes.
I’m disappointed with me tonight... 3 cigarettes today. MUST work on that ... ONE tomorrow... DAMNIT! But Journals are current. There’s that much to be said for today...
And this shit-box is warm... the fucking heat pump is still running. (I’ve budgeted 120 for next months’ electric bill... DAMNIT!)
Let’s see how the “pain” goes tonight.

Friday 26 January:
16.17 And I’m just getting through the usual daily nonsense of my existence and having accomplished almost NONE of what I THOUGHT and PLANNED done, save making an appointment with Vinnie for the 6th February to have the parking brake checked and repaired.
I tried to contact Ev at about 15.00... he mobile goes directly to "voice message" and the house phone... same. I left a message on her mobile. Was tempted to ring Lois but... I don't want to be an annoyance. If I don't hear by Monday, I'll try again. I wonder... Not sure if Lois would call me in case of... Though she did when Moe died. Best I can do is wait.
Started, at lunch time, to look into a lap-top. Got carried away with the web renewals coming up next month and had to literally SEARCH to find the rates and dates! This year the cost of everything is up by an average of 2$! Considering the inflation of everything else, that's not really too bad. But again, I get a slight rise in income and somebody comes along to pull it away. No such thing as "catching-up and moving on".
There's a new woman in the PO this morning... I went to have the "Mass-hole packette" weighed this morning (under 2$... which was a nice bit of news) and asked her if she's a "PMR, PSE or PTF"... she replied:
"I don't know. I just show up for work and go where they tell me." She's out of Moriah... and Ive the feeling she's the one that Sam said makes so many mistakes and that she, Sam, can't figure out why she's even there. We're in for a "ride", I suspect, with this one trying to figure out the mail here... and I don't doubt MINE will be tossed all over, if it comes addressed to "6690". Oh well... Sending the shit to the Mass-hole will be interesting... But... not my problem.
Anyway... LAST NIGHT WAS SOMETHING.... and I'm just going to "quote" Yonah's Journal here but...
DREAM: I couldn't recall when I woke (on the floor) nor can I recall now, how this dream started. Suffice to say, I hadn't covered my-self ALL night last night, Yonah's room was THAT warm (for a fucking change) and I was perfectly comfortable. And I even managed to get to sleep, no "pains" in the legs or side. But what I DO recall is that I was in some sort of "hotel" or a building "decorated" as such because the common halls were carpeted, nicely, clean... and Schmulik and I were "living" or "working" in the same apartment. He was talking with some-one and I REALLY did NOT want to be bothered by either of them... he was being a bit of a shit, and the person he was talking with was a complete shit (the "Mass-hole"? or similar). Anyway, I had come along the hall-way and heard him say something about "Yeah, I really do have to talk with him and you should too." and I made a quick turn about to get away from the flat and down the hall. As I was walking away, it sounded as though Schmulik was coming out into the hall-way and I BOLTED... and, coming to a turn, feared I'd be seen so I decided to take a LEAP for it and hoped to "roll" along the floor round the corner. WELL! APPARENTLY, IN MY SLEEP, I "BOLTED"... RIGHT OFF THE FUTON... BAM! AND WOKE, ON THE FLOOR, IN THE DARK! What happened next is:
Poor Little Guy! Last night, he did settle-in for the night, and when I came into the room to “settle-in for the night”, he was calm and quiet as I whispered “I’m here, my Love. I’m here with you and we’ll seepie-nigh-night together. Safe and sound and warm and toasty. I LOVE YOU. And tomorrow, we’ll deal with another day... together. I LOVE YOU, my PRECIOUS Little Yonah.”
Well! During the night, I had the strangest little dream in which I was running through a corridor for some reason that I don’t recall, and hearing a voice behind me, as I approached a turn, I leapt up and rolled across the floor... AH BUT... in REALITY, in my sleep, I ROLLED OFF THE FUTON AND ONTO THE FLOOR... WITH A THUD! IN THE DARK! When I woke, I heard a rather gentle flutter of Yonah’s wings in his house. Not like his previous panics where he kept trying to fly farther away, this was more “subdued”. Still... my heart BURST! terrified that he’d injure him-self, trying to fly against his house and getting no-where! I jumped right up and went directly to his house, grabbing the little “remote” for the moon lights as I did so to give us both some light in which to see but nothing bright! (To suddenly flood the room with bright light after such a startle... surely that would only add to the “stress”.) And when I got to him, he was on the floor of his house, over by his pool! Not “IN” it, thankfully, but between the pool and the little tree at the side opposite his night perch!
He didn’t appear to be in any “horrific panic” at the time and didn’t keep trying to fly away so I opened his door and, whispering “It’s OK. It’s OK. I’m right here. It’s OK.” I reached in and gently held him in my cupped hands to bring him closer to me, to let him know that he was safe and everything around him was safe. For a few moments, he nested close to me and then wiggled to try to take flight, so I brought him to his perch where he hopped right over and turned to face me. I leaned my face over to him for “kisses”... and he pecked, so lightly, at my nose and cheek... I can only suppose that he was relieved, as was I, knowing that I was there and that yes, all was “OK”.
I chatted with him, in a whisper, for a few more minutes, giving him more kisses and he, giving me more... and then, I stepped out to the kitchen to check the clock (hoping it was closer to our time to wake up but...) the clock read 12.28... just past mid-night. I’d been in for about 2 hours by then, and WOW, I felt TERRIBLE, waking muu Little Guy... and imagining what it must have sounded like when I “hit the floor”... in the DARK!
I got back to the futon and put the other moon light on... both, at their dimmest, just to make sure there was SOME light in the room so that Yonah could see me there, see the room, know that all around him was safe again.
At about 1.30, I put one of the lights off... and then, at about 2.00, I put the other one off... and... we both slept through the rest of the night untill...
At 7.40 came a soft but clear: “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”. The “softness” concerned me but the “clarity” was assuring so I called back... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”... Immediately came the reply “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”... and for a moment, we carried on a little “chatting”. I didn’t want to bolt up right away, because of the “softness” of Yonah’s coos, so, with care and caution, I got up and checked the floor of his house. (It’s at times such as this that I appreciate the white kitchen roll on the half of the floor of his house and the white sand on the other half...) I was looking for even the slightest trace of any blood !!! I knew he wasn’t in any particular “medical danger” this morning because of the clarity of his coo’s and the duration. I thought: if he’d bled from any injuries last night, it wasn’t “threatening”... but, I HAD to make sure there was NO bleeding at all and... “house-check”... NO BLEEDING AND ALL HIS POOPS WERE RIGHT UNDER WHERE HE’D SLEPT LAST NIGHT! Our disaster was brief... thankfully. And the coo’s this morning were more “song” than “statements” which was a tonic to my worrying heart.
All through the “morning routine” of opening the curtains and blinds, and the water relay, we both sang, back and forth. It was a house FULL of “mourning dove song”!
I remember "jumping" out of bed when I was sleeping in the bed-room... MONTHS ago... It's strange that that happens. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often. (But now I wonder if I don't walk in my sleep!) Anyway...
16.57... This morning, I got the "new" chicken from yesterday, into the oven. Mostly because I don't want it sitting there. It's the "nasty" stuff... and I wanted it COOKED!, and I did mange to figure out the "renewals" and printed a little "card" as a list/reminder... also printed a list of meds/pills to give to whom-ever on the 5th and 20th if need be.
FUCK ME, but I've had THREE bloody cigarettes today... and no excuse for it! And I'm getting that "tightness" in the throat/chest again! I wonder... "Camels"?
Not sure, but I might have taken my atorvastatin twice but research says the max daily is 80mg and it's OK... might have the "slight effects" but there's no medical emergency.
Yonah JUST came out of his house to the upper-most wall shelf... and I've got veggies on the heat... and a breast on a plate. Tonight's "meal"... and I'm tired! BUT.. keeping up with current Journals! (I NEED to get to the other ones!).
Also thought, last night... I have to get money OUT of the banque before calling for the oil "emergency". Getting a lap-top will help... but... I just don't want to do that... still, if I were to put it on the card, THAT would be an added "pay-off" so... Off we go... into the world of "juggling money"... and I WILL NEED that "emergency" in a week! And this lap-top isn't much longer for this world... to be sure.
Yonah's on the heating pad... time for evening meal!
20.10 OK... so the day has come to a close, I'm at the kitchen table... the front door is open... It's 27° in Yonah's room again... I've set the futon but not the double covers tonight since, last night, for the most part, I didn't have any covers on. I wish I'd done this before... keeping this shit-box this warm. (Hopefully I'll get an "emergency" this year... I'm going to buy the new lap-top now... get some money out of the banque here in NY!)
I've got such a damned head-ache suddenly. I hope it isn't the atorvastatin. But if head-ache is the worst of it, I'm fine.
I still say that 99,9% of my "constant malaise" is because of my teeth. I HAVE to find a cheaper way of having this corrected! SHIT! This HAS to stop! SOON!
Anyway... front door open, heat pump running. 5th cigarette... FUCK ME! But... I'm going shopping now.
OH... AND THE VIT.C ARRIVED THIS EVENING AND THE UPS GUY RANG THE BELL! AND BOTH BOTTLES... GOOD UNTIL "11.2027"! YAY! IT MIGHT BE ROTTING MY TEETH (BY INCREASING THE ACIDITY OF MY SALIVA... WHICH I BELIEVE HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE TEETH TROUBLE) BUT IF IT'S DOING THAT TO TEETH... IT OUGHT TO BE MURDERING ANYTHING THAT SHOULDN'T BE IN THIS OLD BODY.) When I look at "skin treatments" for wrinkles and spots, they tout vit.C. I ought to look like a 30-year old... Lately, I've looked like a 100-year old! Teeth don't help.
And now... Yonah's Journal is current, this one's doing well... off to shop and then... ice cream and futon. I'm done with this day. Really... it's drizzling out there too. I'm done with that as well!
ANND... 22.34
22.05! I had to go in to turn Yonah's desk lamp off and put the moon lights on... and so I did... silently.
No sooner had I gotten back to the kitchen when...
"woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo"... and a moment later, he repeated it! So I went back into his room and stuck my head into his house to say that he should be seepie-nigh-night and he bopped his head forward and gave me kisses! Soft pecks on the nose! Well... OK... I closed his door and stepped away and he called, again... "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo".
So I put my Sherpa on (because he gets so comfortable on that), went back, reached in and brought him out to the kitchen with me... and he rested on my shoulder as I had my evening dish of ice cream and watched a couple of minutes of "tele"... and at 22.28, as I type this, he's actually SLEEPING... ON M Y SHOULDER!... so... "tuck-in" is going to be considerably later than 19.55 and I'm wondering what time "morning call" will come. But for now... it's time we BOTH got to seepie-nigh-night, and again, tonight, I'll leave the moon lights on. If I wake during the night, I'll turn them off. Other-wise, if their batteries go (as has happened before) they can put themselves off... other-wise... we'll deal with them in the morning.
THESE are the moments when I SO SO SO WISH I could know what he's thinking... and why he doesn't want to go to sleep at night... AND that I could have him on the futon with me through the night... It might be worth keeping the lights on and his door open to see what he does at night. I doubt he'd leave the room, with the rest of the house in darkness... but then, I worry: what if the moon lights go out and something happens to startle him in the dark... can't chance it... We'll get him "home" and I'll get on the futon... and we'll close his door... but I DO wish we could have another arrangement... safe. POOR LITTLE ONE!
We're off... teeth-brushing and getting to seepie-nigh-night... we hope... WHAT is going on with this... I wonder.

Saturday 27 January:
10.39 And... amazingly... "morning call" came at about 7.30 this morning with MUCH "singing"! Me? I don't know that I really managed to get anything close to "sleep" last night, and this morning, after 5 fucking cigarettes yesterday, I woke CONGESTED and WEARY! Even now, feeling I could lay down again. And the dreariness of the morning, wet, dripping and such doesn't help. But I have managed to get morning chores done. There were a few "woo-HOOs" in the yard this morning, and at least they have food... and there's another bag to "sift" through. And I planted a pot of lentils and one of peas for my Precious Little Heart--and-Soul (who is now on my shoulder, pecking at my head! and who just got weighed... at 123g... which is his "steady" weight! YAY!... I was concerned because of only 4 poops last night, but he's eating now so...). As far as the rest of the morning, I'm bloody on the 2nd cigarette of the day already... taking puffs. FUCK ME! The congestion was horrid this morning again. I don't understand this... I should be able to simply stop. But it's really just my anxieties and nerves and the general stress of being in this shit-box, worried about the next ATTACK of mould and shit! Not to mention the fucktard Mass-hole... I don't trust him at all in the least! (Although, if he puts any "value" on that old truck in the garage...) I move along... Am still trying to figure out how to get the new lap-top which is becoming a necessity now... bill-paying and record-keeping and all. I don't know why I'm so damned nervous about this. I just don't like the inconvenience of having to rise returns/exchanges again. And there's something psychological about the "balance in the account" going to 3 digits again. But I'm going to have to use that money or simply give it all back (less the needed repairs on the truck). It won't do me any good other-wise... (and I MUST bring the account balance DOWN... before Thursday-week for HEAP). So... today, I DO believe, we'll just go for the 700$ edition. AND... the post is in, and this "new gal" has no "personality". And there was nothing in today's post... and I looked at the "Spectrum" account this morning... not sure how that's working. One page says "No Payment Due" and another says 79,98 due. I don't DARE phone... I don't want to "confuse" the damned idjits. Not to mention... back to the loan... paying the web-sites... which can be carried on general budgets. I'm "over-thinking" all of this.
The gallbladder is "annoyingly painful" this morning. BM was "sporadic"... I'll call it that. Instead of the one, solid stool, this one was a few here and there. "Quantity" was same... "quality" was "odd". And I have that "pain in the sternum" again. The Camels? The Camels... And contractions of the left foot last night too. WELL! I can't expect to feel "great"... NEVER! I'm almost looking forward to having the damned gallbladder taken out... and I wonder what else they'll find in there when they open things up. (History tells: "They opened him/her up and s/he was loaded with...!" Fuck me and my "history" on this Earth. But... we'll find out...) And my jaw annoys too. Teeth. Fuck... something, always something.
But 'tis Shabbat and 'tis 11.09 al-fucking-ready and time to get to "things"... that require getting to... what-ever. (There's a bowl of sand in the 400° oven.)
20.53 The house is very warm tonight, and I'm at the kitchen table... and the day? Well... I have to admit, I managed to get MORE of Yonah's back Journal for October 2022 cleaned-up. I'm at the 26th... BUT... the HORROR... There's ALL of 2023 to go when 2022 is done! But at least Yonah and I got to spend this dreary, wet day together... quietly.
AND THOUGH I OUGHT NOT MENTION IT... THE HOUSE HAS MANAGED TO STAY SMELLING OK! AND YES... I'M STILL SAGING EVERY EVENING (and TRULY wondering if it doesn't have SOMETHING to do with the conditions in here... Evil Hell running amok about the damned... literally... place! I shouldn't doubt it for a moment)!
And Yonah? Well, he's seemed happy that I was in the room with him all day... and yet, tonight, again... a bit reluctant to get tucked-in at 20.20. But... I'm relieve that he's not lost weight nor gained, he's eating well and woo-HOO'ing often so THAT'S GREAT!
But it's getting late and I'm not going to be up at 23.00 again tonight. It's been a "painful" sort of day... the "right side of the back"... "Poking" pain. And for a brief while this evening, just before dinner, it was another one of those "Were it not for Yonah, I could have lain down and never gotten up again... no matter what." It was another "I'm dying" sort of episode. I wonder... the cigarettes? Tomorrow... we try again... NONE! I'd like to get to the doctor on the 5th and be able to say "I've quit completely". I'd like that very much!
But I'm "OK" now... My BP was "normal" for me... O2 was only 95 for a brief while during the episode... but went back up to 96... still not so good, considering it had been 98 for a while (when I'd stopped the cigarettes). So... there we have it.
ALMOST bought the new lap-top until I researched the seller on-line... they "refurbish" and "upgrade" latops... so I posted the question to Amazon: "refurb or brand new"? And questioned on Twtr too. Let's see what responses I get (if any). I can't be in any RUSH through this... Now it's not so much the money that will be trapped if I have to return the shit... but it's the trapped money AND the return bull-shit! I'm not in the mood. Though this old Dell is starting to make strange sounds as I type... I'm only typing a document... using the damned things as an old "Word Processor"... WTF? (Thankfully, I'm using the HTML too though... as I work Yonah's journal...)
Tomorrow, I think I'll try my luck... and make "Anniversary videos" for Yonah's journal... for "annual" pages for 2022 and 2023... THAT should be interesting.
Mean-while... nothing in the post today... nothing much to mention... that I can recall... I'm almost out of veggies and yoghurt again... and down to about 60$FS to carry to the 9th. Austerity days... I just have this thing now about food buying... All those years of working and never getting a tax refund... I'm shopping now... not to mention the Soc.Sec. BS... fucking pennies... it's too fucking much like Welfare! And it pisses me off... But we shall see how it rolls. (Who knows... maybe I'll get the rent down to 60/month after Mass-hole gets the "packette". Fuck.)
Time to wrap this day... as I say... no 23.00 tonight!
Oh... BUT THERE WAS A MOTH IN YONAH'S ROOM THIS EVENING... I JUST GOT RID OF ONE IN THE KITCHEN LAST NIGHT! I NEED TO GET UP TO THE ATTIC.... WITH A COUPLE GALLONS OF PINESOL! WOOSH SPLASH FUCK!
22.50 Looks like I'mgoing to HAVE to buy the new lap-top tomorrow... this one's shitting the sheets tonight. Oh well... thankfully, I'm able to.
BUT SHIT... so LATE! And when, at about 21.30, I put the moon lights on for Yonah... he called again. But calmed right back down when I went back to say that he had to go seepie-nigh-night. What's going on with him lately? I'm becoming extremely concerned.

Sunday 28 January:
9.30 after a night of the most twisted dreams, one that I literally HAD to wake from to stop the insanity.
And right now, dressed, coffeed and sadly, smoked, I'm not feeling at all too well, to be honest. Stomach is "off"... some-how almost "acidic" and the gallbladder (if that's what it is any more) is literally "painful" this morning. And I've had a BM... but again, "tennis balls" and dark. Nerves? The travel to the MD on the 5th? Expenses? Or just me falling apart? Where's the damned "owner's manual"? I need answers!
And there's a bit of a "floconerie" out-side. It isn't "cold" out there this morning, and the accumulation isn't expected to be too great... Why do I feel so shitty? Poor sleep last night.
From one dream, an address sticks in my head: "90 Bay Boulevard... the embassy at 90 Bay Boulevard". (And as I type this, an "ocular migraine" is starting... a "spot of light" in the left eye. I have plans for today... work to accomplish... and shopping... today we get the new lap-top and we HOPE it comes in perfect order! Anyway:
The first dream... a cloudy day (of course, couldn't be clear and sunny"). A group of us were gathered in some sort of "tram" or "rail car" on a sprawling grounds in a wooded area. We were "militants" of some sort, gathered together because the country was being over-run (real politics here) by invaders and communist daemons. We were only about 20 at most, but part of a larger movement across the country. The group was thinning, people leaving as the meeting progresses when suddenly, I was standing, looking out of an open carriage door and noticed the "scenery" moving past.
I commented to a woman standing there: "Are we MOVING"? It made no sense to me because the carriage wasn't rocking and for a moment, I thought it was the out-side moving and we were stationary. (It was a dream...)
We WERE moving, and going along quite far away! Into "'the city" some many miles away! This little "train" was specific to the place we'd met at. It ran to and from only and in the morning, brought people, in the evening, returned to the city! The day was at end and the train was headed back to the central station and I wasn't supposed to be on it!
So, it rolled along until we got to the terminus and I had to disembark... in a city, MANY MILES from home!
I had no money, no "banque cards", no way to pay a fare back home and a fare would have been VERY expensive anyway. I wouldn't have had the money for it in the first place. So I took to the streets to see how I was going to get home! Or, at least back to where we'd started... and I didn't even know where that was, exactly, so I couldn't tell anybody where I needed to go!
After asking several people where I was, exactly, and how I might get back to the "end of this line"... somebody told me that I'd been at "90 Bay Boulevard... the embassy at 90 Bay Boulevard". (There was no "bay" nor any "boulevard" at the place... but... it was a great distance away, out-side the city limits... off in "the country-side", as it were!. One person suggested taking the city buses... there would be many transfers because the "embassy" was well out of "the district". But I had NO MONEY for fares!
I found a rather complex and convoluted transport map and confirmed: it could take HOURS to make the trip back and covered MANY miles. I HAD to get back, and it was WELL TOO FAR to walk it... I considered just getting onto various buses and to see how far I could get before being tossed off each one on the way. (And, a passing thought, in the dream: the illegals get free transport; I could fake speaking no English, try to pass for one of them, and that would work; I'd still be thrown from buses on the journey, but each one would get me closer to my destination. All I needed to hope for was that there would be "maps" along the way so I'd know where I was at each time.)
It was another of those dreams where, as I started to become anxious and annoyed... I came to realise I was dreaming and that the only way "out" was... to wake up... and I did... in the dark. Opened my eyes, looked round the room. All was well and quiet and warm enough... I dozed back off to sleep.
Next dream was a "pick-up from the previous" and I was still in "that city", trying to find my back-pack. (I didn't have it in the previous dream but some-how, this time...). Some woman had discovered it at the curb-side and picked it up and started rummaging through it! (The woman was "AOC".... WHAT?) She pulled my old "Harley" wallet out and was about to walk off with it when I went over to get my belongings back!
She wasn't going to give me the wallet and held it down to her legs. She was wearing knee-high boots with the Harley logo on them and kept insisting "It's a perfect match!" And when I yelled at her that the wallet was mine, she said "You can't prove it. It's mine! Look! It's a perfect match!" and as she started to walk away, I threw my left leg out to trip her... and I woke... as I actually did throw my leg out, over the futon! (Thankfully, last night was only one leg!)
Well, between the dreams and the contractions in feet and calves... I had to get up twice to "walk them off"... it really is no wonder I'm exhausted this morning. But I'm thankful I didn't disturb Yonah...
And now... with this "ocular migraine" coming and not wanting to take anything to stop it (but I will)... Sunday commences... and I just hope I don't need to go to any ER today... I'm not in the mood and I have plans for today:
Yonah's journal and go through photos... to make an "Anniversary Video" for the journal pages that aren't on the site yet. And... get the new lap-top before this one goes completely dark.
I'm just "off" this morning... not "ill"... just "off"...
16.16 Well? Another day has gone by and I can't comfortably account for anything I've accomplished. But I HAVE done...
BLOODY ORDERED THE BLOODY LAP-TOP! And I'm trying to NOT think about it. It bothers me to have gotten it... but this old Dell is really fucking about and I don't want to loose everything on THIS ONE TOO. I still have the old Toshiba here... and need to get files off of that... I might try to move them from there to the Dell... we shall see. AND... I DID get 500 more on the loan because of the lap-top... so... I'm just being an idiot...br /> Not to mention, I've felt HUNG-OVER ALL FUCKING DAY! TIRED, HEAD-ACHE... THE RIGHT CALF HURT ALL MORNING FROM THE CONTRACTION LAST NIGHT.. I'VE BEEN A MESS!
And going through Yonah's photos and looking at the ones taken in 2022 and seeing me in some of them and looking at how "not wrinkled and dry" I looked back then... WTAF is going on with this old body? Truth? This past Summer with the MOULD just fucked my entire system. I ought to TRY to get Devon to take a few tests for something... some kind of "toxicity"... Just saw, last night... "average life-span of mourning dove... 1,5-19 years. SO Yonah and I could be together for another 16 years... I HAVE to be sure I'm here for him! (And today, I've been a miserable "mate"... stuck at the desk, sorting through all these photos... and I'm not done yet... and just as I typed his name, Yonah came over from his loft to the desk... HE KNOWS... SO MUCH!)
I took a 25-min. nap too... after lunch of nasty "melted cheese sammiches on the rolls I made"... Cheese didn't melt, and that Cabot has NO flavour!
And, I made rice... right after the nap... and have it portioned in bowls, with a hunk of chicken in each... and tonight's is on the hob...
There... a dreary January Sunday... the last Sunday of the first month of the year.... FUCK! TIME! JUST FUCK TIME!
20.18 and I'm dead tired... from editing photos all day! And there's a puff of a smoke left... we'll see how it goes tomorrow... I might get another pack... I might get some "lozenges"... but they're fucking costly! You'd think they'd be more affordable... since it's about 40$ (probably more at the local thievery shoppe) for 14 days' worth. As I say, we'll see how things are in the morning.
The Naproxen I took this after-noon helped a little with all the pains but my head still "BANGS" if I cough or sneeze. I wonder... WTAF?
But I got the 2022 photos together this evening for Yonah's site. I did work. And his Journal is current... there's that. (His tuck-in... 20.00.)
It's snowing out there tonight... as threatened... but the house is managing to get back up to "HOT"... or I'm having hot flashes... and... I'm tired and afraid of what sort of Hellish night awaits with contractions, poking pains and dreams. Change of season? WHAT is going on here? Honestly... again, today... had it not been for Yonah... I'd've gone to the bed... and just "waited".
Oh... found some recordings of "A Prairie Home Companion" on-line! Have been listening to one this evening. I miss RADIO!
Anyway... I'm going for ice cream now... and getting to the futon shortly... "QI"... and away!
22.01 Later than I'd've' like but... not 23.00 so... and no more snow... so that's good for tomorrow... Nicorette!

Monday 29 January:
10.59 And... so far, we're doing OK about the smokes... only JUST had a "bang crave" but I've been up from since 7.15's "morning call"... AND... it was a matter of severe effort to get up off the futon... I DID get ratherright to sleep last night so, that was about NINE BLOODY HOURS... and only ONCE did I wake during the night... CONTRACTIONS in the feet... up, walk, back... done. But I STILL wake so DAMNED exhausted... I want to know WHAT IN THE NAMES OF HEAVEN, HELL AND FUCK, IS GOING ON HERE? But... for now... I got up, pee'ed, kettle on, Yonah's windows, water... food out for the Yardies (end of jugs) and clear the snow off the truck, walk, drive... let the truck run for that while too... even did a "quick through" for the PO and THEN... came back in, "sifted" the new bag of Yardie food... Yonah's sand got another 400 bake too, this morning... I've gotten today's post (cr.un. address and last month's statement... I FINALLY get to "close 2023" there in the files). And now... at 11.06... I'm ready for a snooze!
Oh... according to this morning's "e-mail"... the lap-top has shipped.... UPS! YAY! I hope... We shall see.
I'm tired now and need to get 2023 photos for Yonah's site... AND I have to get to HIS Journal for today.
And my "right side" is beginning to hurt... "poke-pain". Tried for a BM this morning... nothing... But that's not helping these days... we're staring straight down the barrel of "surgery"... FUCK!
15.35 SO TIRED! AND TOOK TWO DAMNED NAPS TODAY... 1 AT 30 AND THE OTHER AT ABOUT 15 MINUTES! Focusing is difficult. Another day with-out a smoke... AND I REFUSE TO "GO" GET EVEN ONE! ESPECIALLY AT THIS HOUR! Saw a video that claims it takes a minimum of 14 days to "re-train the brain" away from the environment of having nicotine and dopamine and such. I was SIX days into it. Let's see. But the over-all is: this is NEVER "easy"... and only 5% of people who simply "quit" actually manage to do so BUT 70% of those are right back at it about a week or so later. So this is more shitty than I ever thought or imagined and I have to stay focused on the "goal"... Oh... and somebody said that drinking through a straw (imagine that) helped! WHERE did I ever get the idea?
Another 89gals of oil coming tomorrow or Wednesday... cleaning HEAP account OUT! (Now to work on the banque account... tee-hee... only got a month to get more into the oil and I WILL, damn it! Or... maybe not because I'll EVER get the tank down to 1/4 before the end of March... but... we'll see...)
I managed to do that... and now... I want a smoke and another nap... but there's more YONAH PHOTO WORK! and he's in his loft... We've played today... thankfully.
20.21 The box an is running in the kitchen... the doors were open again tonight... I SWEAR I SMELLED THAT MUST IN YONAH'S ROOM... but... the worst of it tonight was the PineSol from the kitchen basin cabinet! STRONG! I must've sprayed too heavily after everything was done. Oh well... But the sage (which I need more of... MORE MORE MORE OF) and PineSol and vinegar seem to have helped... with the fan and open doors... on a bloody night when the temperature out there is -3/-7°. What comes of the "rent packette" will be interesting next month (and again... I expect ALL HELL AND BULL-SHIT to rain down but fuck the Mass-hole!)
OK... Enough of that... Hey! The rice and chicken tonight actually tasted quite nice. And "dessert" was cinnamon "PopTarts" with condensed milk on... (and the PopTarts are even THINNER than the last time I'd gotten them and this time I'd gotten them at 2/5$ for something to nibble instead of smoking... AND...
SPEAKING OF SMOKING... ANOTHER DAY WITH-OUT! 9 DAYS TOTAL OUT OF 29 THIS MONTH... NOT GREAT, NOT REALLY "GOOD" BUT HEY! BETTER THAN SMOKING ALL THE WAY THROUGH! WE'RE WORKING ON IT... AND HAVING SEEN A LITTLE VIDEO TODAY OB THE MATTER OF STOPPING I DON'T FEEL I'VE "LOST THE BATTLE"... AND I UNDERSTAND NOW THE "WHY" AND "WHEN" AND SUCH... IT'S THE BRAIN, NOW EXPECTING THE DOPAMINE FROM THE NICOTINE AT CERTAIN TIMES OF THE DAY AND AFTER CERTAIN ACTIVITIES ARE COMPLETED OR ACTIONS ARE TAKEN. IT'S ALL "ASSOCIATION" AND I HAVE TO BREAK THOSE... IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN RIGHT AWAY, IMMEDIATELY... BUT I KNOW WHAT I'M FIGHTING AND NOW I KNOW *HOW* TO FIGHT THIS! (And I want a cigarette right now! But... I'm happier that I don't have any in the house! YAY!)
OK... Oil coming... comforting. Truck started and ran this morning... comforting. That "musty shit" seems to be gone. I'm going to must go to market tomorrow... I'm about to finish the ice cream on top of everything else... and I believe only about 60$ left on food. BUT... if worse gets to worst... the 3rd is mere days. (February is going to be a short - though "Leap Year" - but MEAGRE month! But no matter... as I always think: I know what it's like to be completely with-out! COMPLETELY! We shall make it through. (The Yardies have LOTS of food and Yonah too and that's really all that matters.)
On to ice cream... face cream and futon! 20.41... Monday is done!
22.06 and off we go... more wringlestuff on the face... teeth brushed and another temp coming out. Still falling apart... all's "normal"... fuck.

Tuesday 30 January:
9.50 and just getting to sit with a coffee, at the desk, to clear the morning and the head... and have a gut-wrench on day 2 of another attempt to "cleanse" the nicotine out. Rough morning... and to think that at 3.00 this morning, I was laying on the futon, all comfy, pondering getting up then, putting the kettle on and getting to the day... (I went back to sleep until 7.15 when Yonah called and, of course, THEN, I wanted to sleep longer... but didn't.) So then that said, I'm sitting here right now, needing to get to the market and not wanting to be bollocksed... and there's only 60 on the FS and I'm not happy with/about that. And there's such a temptation to go get a pack of smokes... and NOT from Dan... just get a pack of cheap, nasty shit... bad taste... not sure which or where but... this "cold turkey", "cut and dry" isn't working. And I don't want patches and such because I don't just want to "substitute" the nicotine... because I KNOW I'll catch myself going for a smoke... because that's how it is... (hopefully this urge will pass as I type?)
ANYWAY... OIL CAME THIS MORNING... AT ABOUT 8.00... BEFORE I COULD GET OUT TO SHOVEL A PATH. The delivery guy wasn't all too happy when we "met" as I was heading out the front door but... so much for that... and when he'd done, I WENT DOWN TO SEE HOW MUCH OIL WAS IN THE TANK WITH THE 89 GALS... OK... THAT 89 WAS JUST OVER 1/4 TANK BUT... THEN... AS I WAS LEAVING THE CELLAR... A "WARM BREEZE"... I DISCOVERED GAPS IN THE DUCT-WORK... AND I BELIEVE IT'S COMING INTO YONAH'S ROOM! SO... UP TO THE HOUSE... ALUMINIUM PAPER AND TAPE, SCISSORS AND OFF WE WENT TO MAKE PATCH-WORK ON THE DUCT-WORK... AT BLOODY 8.30 OR SO IN THE FUCKING MORNING! NOT TO MENTION, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THE GAPS HAVE BEEN THERE AND I'VE BEEN HEATING THE FUCKING CELLAR BECAUSE OF THEM! BUT I DID STUFF THE VENT UNDER THE LOO SO MORE HEAT IS COMING INTO THE HOUSE AND LESS TO THE CELLAR NOW... FUCKING SHIT!
Nice thing this morning... got to chat with Amy about stuff... and when I mentioned I'm cutting the smoking she said (repeatedly) "I hope you're taking it slow." Apparently she's worried about the "5 years" thing AND what effect this is going to have after so many years. Apparently she too, is aware of the fact that this old body of mine is perfectly settled and accustomed to having that nicotine and that there's rough roads ahead.
Got me to thinking: I'm going to have to remember to bring this up on Monday-week... and ask more about how much, long, what-ever nicotine will effect the anaesthesia and such... Who knows? I MIGHT be doing more harm than good? (Or is this the old brain chatting because it wants a cig? Reminds me of when Joe asked "How do you know the voices are 'them' and that you're not psychotic?") OK.. then ... well... we'll see how it goes when I get to market... if I want, I'll get. If not, I won't. (But right now it's a "get".)
AND YONAH? SINGING AND FLYING AND HOPPING AND BOUNCING AND SUCH! IT'S GOING INTO FEBRUARY... AND "THE SEASON FOR LOVE" IS OPENING! I feel like SHIT that he doesn't have a little "somebirdy"... But he's in good health... and spirits...
I need a shower too... Smelling a little like an "old" person... AND feeling a bit "ick" after the cellar and shit... and it might help with the smokes... I don't know.... But shower it is... HEY! I'm paying for the propane! (And I'm going back into that "SUDDEN EXHAUSTION"... from the with-drawl Sx...
14.57 Well... I bought another pack of Camels today... but the "TRIGGER" was something of particular NOTE:
AT ABOUT 12.30, THE DOOR-BELL RANG. JUST FINISHED WITH LUNCH, I WAS ABOUT TO BRING THE DISH TO THE SINK AND WAS SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING A RUN INTO TOWN FOR SOME GROCERIES AND... A PACK OF SMOKES. IT WAS A PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT MORNING... NAUSEA, HEAD-ACHE, GENERAL MALAISE... WITH-DRAWL! SO, WHEN I GOT TO THE DOOR AND SAW "MAGGIES" STANDING THERE, I WASN'T THRILLED... AND WHEN SHE SAID "HI NEIGHBOUR, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'LL BE GOING AROUND AND UP-STAIRS..." I JUST LET LOSE WITH THE AGGRAVATION OF THE SITUATION UP THERE... ESPECIALLY SINCE I WAS SMELLING THE "MUSTINESS" IN YONAH'S ROOM THIS MORNING! TOLD HER IT WASN'T SAFE UP THERE, AND THAT I'D SPENT OVER A 1000 TO ADDRESS THE MOULD AND THAT ALDEN REFUSES TO ADDRESS IT. SHE WAS GOING UP TO COLLECT PAPERS UP THERE! SHE'D DONE IT BEFORE AND WAS GOING UP FOR MORE! OH WELL... OFF SHE WENT AND OFF I WENT... RUSHING TO GET SMOKES... AND NEVER MADE IT TO MARKET. BUT THE BEST WAS WHEN I GOT BACK... AGAIN... "DIVINE INTERVENTION"... AS I WAS HEADING OVER TO THE RIENERS' WHERE SHE'D PARKED, SHE WAS COMING ROUND THE BACK OF THE HOUSE. I SAID "I WANT TO APOLOGISE FOR STORMING AT YOU AND TO THANK YOU FOR COMING TO LET ME KNOW YOU'D BE UP THERE." WELL... SHE TOOK ME INTO HER CONFIDENCE, SAID THAT JOHN A. SHOULDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS DOING BUT... SHE ADVISED THAT I SHOULDN'T GO UP THERE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS ABOUT THE ASBESTOS AND TOLD ME THAT THAT AREA WAS USED AS A "CHURCH"... A "CHAPEL" WHERE THEY HELD FUNERALS FOR PEOPLE WHO'D DIED OF SMALLPOX! THE PLACE IS A HORROR! AND SHE KNOWS ABOUT IT! THEN SHE SHOWED ME ON OF THE PAPERS SHE'D COLLECTED. SHE HAD A TOTE FULL... WHEN SHE PULLED THE LETTER OUT, HAND-WRITTEN, SHE STARTED TO READ IT. SHE TAKES THE PAPERS, TREATS THEM, PUTS THEM INTO PLASTIC SLEEVES AND HAS BINDERS FULL OF THIS DOCUMENTATION... FOR THE HISTORICAL RECORDS. BUT... SHE KNOWS HOW BAD IT IS UP THERE! SHE ADVISED ME NOT TO GO UP THERE, BEING COMPROMISED ALREADY & THEN LET IT SLIP THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT ME APPLYING CHEMICALS (BECAUSE OF THE DOCUMENTS). STILL... I ALMOST CRIED... SOMEBODY ELSE KNOWS ABOUT THE HORRORS OF THAT ATTIC SPACE! AND SHE CONFIRMED THAT THE HOUSE WAS BUILT IN THE 1800s BUT THE TAX RECORDS HAVE IT AS THE 1950s BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN IT WAS RE-OCCUPIED AFTER THE STORE CLOSED AND ALL THE ADDITIONS WERE BUILT. ANYWAY, I TOLD HER OF THE "PACKETTE" AND MY EXPENSES AND SUCH... AND NOW, AT LEAST THERE'S SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS ABOUT THE HAZARD OF THAT SPACE AND THIS PLACE... I FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT BECAUSE, IF THERE'S ANY LITIGATION TO FOLLOW... I'LL PULL HER INTO THE COURT ROOM. INDEED, IT APPEARS THIS PLACE IS CONDEMN-ABLE! *** BEST THING I'VE LEARNT TODAY: ANIMALS ARE NOT SUSPECT ABLE TO SMALLPOX SO YONAH IS SAFE FROM THAT MUCH. BUT STILL... OF ALL THE SHIT... I'M STILL SLIGHTLY COMFORTED KNOWING THAT SOMEBODY ELSE KNOWS ABOUT THIS SHIT-HOLE...
But I'm not happy about falling back into more cigarettes... Yet, this morning, I've come to learn that people who've smoked more and longer take MUCH longer to pull away from smoking and that "cold turkey" alone doesn't work quickly. And that I MUST keep it BELOW 5 cigarettes for every time I "fall back"... that that's not as horrific, though complete cessation for 8 weeks prior to surgery is best... I HAVE to work on this... and get completely rid of this shit! Buying patches and such really aren't the solution because they don't get rid of the nicotine in the system... and with the way I'm "weaning", cigarettes are cheaper... though, they're worse because of the smoke. But, I'm working on it all.
RIGHT NOW, AS I TYPE, I SWEAR I SMELL THE "MUSY DUST" IN YONAH'S ROOM! FUCK! This isn't going to bode well... There's a court case coming from this. I need to find an attorney!
And I have no yoghurt for after meal tonight... nor any ice cream before "bed-time" tonight. I could go back out... I don't want to... I'm tired, my eyes won't focus and I've pissed the entire day away! FUCK ME!
19.32 Well... the house is settled and I've had the fans running, saged twice... I have to wonder:
Maggie said she didn't step into the attic today. Said she merely got on her knees at the "opening" and grabbed what was in arm's reach, but how strange that tonight, as I sat at the desk, my eyes burned, face and neck itched... and I could smell the "must"! I DO HAVE TO WONDER... WHO IS UP THERE? If there's ANY truth to "energies" and "spirits" and the likes, AND, if, in fact, that attic was used as a "chapel" to perform funerals... WHO is lingering up there? Surely, all that I've sprayed and the chlorine gas that's been let loose up there would have NO affect on "the dead". The sage being burned though, seems to "calm the stench". Is there something "lingering" up there?
And that Maggie said "I have Alden's permission..." to fetch that paper-work... tonight it struck me:
Did he tell her to go and grab what she can before he "closes the place down"? My "gut instinct"... the very one that even Peter said served to keep me alive all these years, tells me that "word is coming" and that the "You have to move." is coming too. AND, I wouldn't put it past the Mass-hole to show at the door to drop the "notice" (verbally) and with no more than 30 days' advance. That's my gut... I'm just SO hopeful that this sudden association with Saranac Lake is a "path"... "Life" hasn't been "kind" over the past almost 69 years... but it HAS managed to give me some place to "be"... These days though... it isn't about "me"... and I'll tolerate NO inconvenience to Yonah! Hell will be summoned if ANY disturbance comes to Yonah... I'll see to that (and I'll not haunt 6690... I'll be in Massachusetts... and Salem will cover the state!
Meanwhile, I'm on the 4th or 5th cigarette of the day... in only the afternoon! And I believe I'm feeling it... I've not felt "well" all day today and was blaming it on the "withdrawal" but tonight, my nerves seem to be vibrating, my head is a bit "pressured"... my sinuses are bothering me... my eyes are burning and vision is off. Cigarettes or mould or mustiness? At this point, I just can't tell anymore. Bottom line: MUST get out of and away from this house! There's something quite EVIL in it... and not just "wandering the rooms". I'm sure the evil is in the frame-work and stones of the foundation. (I wonder what the actual history of this house is... Oh... Maggie married a "local"... with history in New Russia... so she has "rumours" and actual history. Shame she's heading for Florida for the rest of the season. I'd like to hear about this place... Maybe I should go up to the attic and pull some paper-work... I wonder... I'll need some sort of "haz-mat" outfit... Something to look into... FUN! Or not. In any event, there are more "chlorine bombs" to come... and Friday comes more money... though I have none to spare this month... but... we shall see... BOMBS AWAY!
No ice cream tonight. Imagine... No yoghurt after dinner... I had 2 PopTarts... and nothing before "tuck-in". So I'm sitting at Yonah's desk for this.
I tried un-installing all the up-dates to the Dell this evening... because this thing truly is about to die... But, as soon as everything was un-installed and the damned thing did a "re-start", it seems the shit re-installed some shit! I won't play with it any more... the Asus is due on Thursday and I'll move the important stuff over to it (and hope it doesn't die an hour later).
It's 19.52 and Yonah is on his night perch... I have to get the room together... then back things up... in case... and then...
20.51 The new lap-top was a good move... the internet adapter in the Dell is shitting the sheets! It keeps knocking me off line! I tried to reconcile accounts and it kept disconnecting. I've shut the whole thing down for a while and just put it back up to check e-mails before showering... let's see...
Meanwhile... I can't figure WHERE, BUT I KEEP SMELLING THAT MUSTINESS! AND I CAN'T FIND THE SOURCE! IT SEEMS WORST IN YONAH'S ROOM! AND I'VE CHECKED THE CRGSLST AGAIN... NOTHING LISTED THERE. MUST PHONE KARI TOMORROW... AND SEE WHAT MY "CEILING" ON RENTS IS... I'M SO UNFAMILIAR WITH ALL OF THIS BULL-SHIT AND STUCK WITH ASSISTANCE! OH... BLOODY FUCK ME! ALL I CAN DO, AT THE MOMENT, IS HOPE THAT SARANAC LAKE PROVES POSITIVE IN MEDICAL AND HOUSING... I HATE BEING LIKE THIS! HATE HATE HATE... IF THIS KEEPS UP... I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK... NEXT DOOR... FUCK! IF KEVIN WILL EVEN CONSIDER RE-HIRING. AND I DOUBT THAT VERY MUCH... EVEN IF I TELL HIM I HAVE NO CHOICE... NOT TO MENTION... THE TIME OFF I'LL NEED FOR SURGERY! WHAT NE... NEVER MIND... AM I SMELLING THIS SHIT BECAUSE I'VE GONE PSYCHOTIC? I'M QUESTIONING MY OWN SANITY NOW!
At least the important stuff on the Dell is ready to be copied to the new lap-top and hopefully the new lap-top won't die on arrival!
THESE ARE THOSE DAYS...
22.00 Out of the shower and the world is smelling better thus far... hopefully Yonah's room is clear too.
Closing thought for the evening: Maggie was up in the attic today... and down here, there was a burst of "must"! Her eyes were red when she came down... She was up there when there was a "disturbance".... wearing a cloth mask...Hmmmmmm..... GOOD! I hope. Happy "Florida" darling. (I wonder why she made a point to say that John A. isn't supposed to know about her going up there... Hmmmm.... Fodder for...)

Wednesday 31 January:
THE FIRST MONTH OF THE YEAR IS GONE ALREADY! FUCK! 15.49 AND IT'S ANOTHER "MUSTY" DAY... FRONT DOOR OPEN, FAN BLOWING OUT... BUT THE STENCH IS IN YONAH'S ROOM AGAIN, AND MY FACE AND ARMS ARE ITCHING! IT WAS "OK" LAST NIGHT, THOUGH I DIDN'T GET TO SLEEP UNTIL AFTER 1.30 THIS MORNING... IN SPITE OF THE SHOWER, I COULD SMELL "TRACES" OF THE SHIT IN THE AIR, AND THIS MORNING, IT SEEMED TO BE OK. BUT I MANAGED TO RUSH TO MARKET ABOUT AN HOUR AGO AND WHEN I STEPPED BACK INTO THE SHIT-BOX... THERE IT WAS... AND NOW... IT'S WAFTING... STRONGER. CAN'T FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT! BUT FOUND "TABLETS" ON AMAZON... JUST HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO "TEMPT FATE" WITH THEM... IF I DECIDE TO... AWAY WE GO WITH ANOTHER BOMB UPSTAIRS!
Oh... and the "MOULD PACKETTE" WENT OUT IN TODAY'S POST... WITH AN ADDITIONAL 68¢! 2,72$ (I could have deducted from rent but... Let's see when it gets there. No doubt the phone will ring when it's received... HERE WE GO! Hopefully the Mass-hole doesn't call on a "PUTRID DAY"..)
Anyway, as far as this grey day goes... there was sun on the ridge this morning... Gone... Had a chat with Amy this morning and with Kevin. "Fun stuff". And then a phone-chat with Dan because I called and didn't leave a message yesterday (in my rush for smokes). Nice to chat with him about "The City & Environs".
Am trying (again) to save the English ivy. When I pulled the one from the bag... DUST! SPORES! no doubt. Thorough rinse in cold water, clipped-down to roots, soil in bag, mist with river water... on the kitchen window. We shall see.
Tossed the dead geraniums... soil to go into trash... Sad, they didn't make it.
OH... DEADARTIST.LIVE IS STILL ALIVE! I needed a MS account for the new lap-top (due tomorrow... we shall see) and there is was. Come to find out, the Dell is already on that account. Imagine that! I ought to use that "live" account... Nobody will ever understand it, but it would be fun... it's linked to the gmx too. Anyway, there it is... Rockaway lives... all these years later.
There's the day and now I have to pee (the VOCs!).
And I've been a miserable companion to my Heart-and-Soul again, today... and worse now because I'm LIVID about the air quality! And the day is almost over already! FUCK ME!
Oh... and took 5c fm EP... cash... so there's that much less in the a/c for oil... &c.
19.31 Yonah's room is settled for the evening and I'm getting ready to "retire to the kitchen" for a little while >BUT HIS ROOM STINKS OF MUSTINESS! IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT FOR MOST OF THE AFTER-NOON AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN'T GET RID OF IT! I CAN'T FIGURE WHERE IT'S COMING FROM. AND EARLIER, THE MOTHS WERE BACK! THEY ALWAYS COME WITH THE MUSTINESS! I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE! I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW! AND THE STENCH SEEMS HEAVIEST IN THE CORNER BY THE WINDOW... AT THE BOOK-CASE WITH THE PURIFIER! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? BLEACH BOMBS... AND TOMORROW, I JUST MIGHT, IF THINGS AREN'T ANY BETTER. BOTTLES OF BLEACH A ND BOTTLES OF AMMONIA AND A TRIP TO THE ATTIC! GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GET US OUT OF HERE! SOON! TO A PLACE WE CAN SETTLED IN AND CALL "HOME"... SAFELY AND COMFORTABLY! IF NOT FOR ME... FOR YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE HERE! CREATION CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THIS CRUEL. IT JUST CAN'T! FOR HUMANS? WELL... THE SPECIES (including me) TO A GREAT EXTENT, DESERVE * HELL * ! BUT THIS LITTLE ONE HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH... ENOUGH... ENOUGH ... GET US OUT OF AND AWAY FROM HERE! IF YOU EXIST... IF YOU "ARE"... YOU'LL GET US OUT OF HERE... SOON... TO A PLACE WHERE WE CAN LIVE OUR LIVES TOGETHER IN PEACE, COMFORT, PROPER HEALTH... A PLACE WE CAN BOTH HAPPILY CALL "HOME". IF... * IF * YOU EXIST IN ANY MANNER...!!!!!
21.14 YONAH'S JANUARY 2024 PAGE IS LIVE ON HIS SITE!!!.... I have to work the other links from the other pages, but... AT LAST... WE'RE BACK TO POSTING... NOW... TO GET THIS JOURNAL UP AND RUNNING... WHAT A PAIN THIS IS GOING TO BE... I'VE FUCKED THIS ONE UP WORSE THAN I DID YONAH'S BUT... ONE PAGE ON THE SERVER... HEY!
and the bloody front door has been open and I can STILL smell the shit in the air! But... it's time for ice cream... since I have... try to find a video, since the internet is fucked on this Dell (even to where it dropped me as I was trying to put Yonah's page on! This house... MY LAST FUCKING NERVE... and SIX FUCKING CIGARETTES TODAY... I'M GOING TO BE A MESS IN THE MORNING... AND I WANT ANOTHER ONE... I HAVE TO PHONE DEVON ... SOMETHING TO CALM THIS SHIT IN ME WITH THE MUSTISHIT!)
So... but... Yonah's site is coming back to life... and tomorrow evening, Fate Willing... we'll be on a roll with the Journals... on a new lap-top. WOW... I'm glad I got the new one... I'm glad I got the money for it! Even though it means another loan payment... for MONTHS! But...
23.08 I don't know HOW the time went!!!! BUT the house is getting warm again... don't know how that happened either. It's been so cold in there this evening... but with the damned doors open... WTAF?
Tomorrow we get back to the Journals... and cleaning them up... Yonah's photos... more biz cards for Saranac Lake medicals... and HOPE NO MORE MUSTISHIT! BLEACH BOMBS!