Le temps pour aller à chez moi est arrivé…

Sat.1.Mar: 24.51 And WOW WHAT A DAY! Didn’t actualy sleep all night last, and didn’t get into bed and lights out until well after 1.00! Chatting with m’Dearest Viv! I hold no grudge. I wish we could simply stay awake always and keep each-other company. I truly am in a bit of a whirl over this. I believe it’s called “Happy!”. – So… I was afraid of over-sleeping so I wouldn’t actually “sleep”. Was up befiore the 5.00 alarm, turned it off and was going to sleep until the 5.30 and paniced that I might go to deep sleep so I woke at about 5.10. Showered, went casually to the store for smokes and gum and got into the PO at 7.15… and went directly to work on the letters. They were followed by the parcels and then on to the 3rd class mail. Sue got the flats and by 9.45… DONE! Bang! Reports and all and such, Did some business, but held the cash for the drawer and made no deposit. – I don’t know what time it was when I looked up… I believe it was about 10.00… Bob came in to say that “they” wer leaving and would see me tomorrow. West Glover (NEK!) for a “party”. Just he and her Ladyship. Hey! SOME peace in the house anyway. – Aline helped me through the paper-work at close and I even had time to “tidy” the office, calmly, like the days of WVNY! I was SO thrilled to have gotten EVERYTHING done today! AND… Cindy never showed to do my “eval”. Well? “Cindy”. Can’t be trusted anyway. – Got to the house. Brandy had the washer and dryer going and, well, took both all through the day. Good thing I didn’t have much of anything I wanted to wash. Apparently, he’d promised “them” he’d do the wash. Puke. We chatted a bit and… I NOTE:

I MENTIONED THE STATEMENT OF “YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY” AND I TOLD HIM THAT I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT AGAIN AND THAT’S WHY I PUT MORE THAN MY SALARY TOWARD THE PAYMENTS ON MY “DUES”. I ALSO MADE A PASSING REMARK ABOUT NOT EATING BECUASE OF IT. NOTHING HORRID, BUT JUST TO MAKE A MENTION.

I wonder when that will circulate. Je m’en câlisse… FRANCHEMENT. – And so, I came up to “nap” for an hour. Never did get to “fix” my hair-cut. But didn’t care, really. I was TIRED! Slept for about an hour and then went to the store… Corn flakes, half’n’half, tonic, PopTarts (shitty blueberry), sugar and cream of wheat… AND A 6-pack of Sheds Ale!!!! I wanted a REAL DRINK tonight, but… the ale, I figure, was better… especially considering this morning’s BM… bloody… really… bloody. Oh well. Encore… je m’en câlisse. Pis… encore… FRANCHEMENT. – I had 3 mugs of corn flakes in the the half’n’half and got busy in this room… RE-PACKING things and folding the old boxes. I’d brought 5 “Priority” boxes and some others for filing and have managed to break-down the large, brown boxes. My “life” is now in tiny boxes, and everything in the room is either packed or immediately ready to be packed. I’m ready… – Tonight… got on the Skype with… VIV! at about 20.00 and we chatted, a bit of laughing, a bit of politics, a bit of all sorts of things. She truly is “The Love of My Other-wise Useless Life”! She told me about her meds and depressions. I told her about my BDMs. No details, but mentioned. I did toss in “If it comes to that, I assure you of one thing… it will NOT happen on THIS side of THAT border. (I believe she was too tired at the moment to actually have the comment register, but I wouldn’t doubt that it will come back to her at some point in time…) And we talked well until almost mid-night. – As we were talking though, my body went into DEEP FREEZE! I TREMBLED, SHIVERED, COULDN’T REGULATE MY BODY TEMPERATURE! IT WAS TRULY FRIGHTENING! HEAD-ACHE, MY FINGERS FELT AS THOUGH FROZEN, BUT TO THE TOUCH ON MY FACE THEY WERE WARM! Flu? Or what? Awful! When Viv and I cut the chat tonight, I got me to the shower and to bed….

Sun.2.Mar: 1.08 trying to get yesterday and this down but am tired. Showered, in bed, a bit clammy. Took a Naprosen and hoping that will “help”. Time for “sleep” now. Brandy’s been in bed for hours. Me? I’m just stiff and achy. The mattress warmer is on and is too hot… at the moment. But I’m clean. Hoping to get up in the morning and finish the cleaning in this room, hair-cutting and such. I don’t know. I can only HOPE! – 17.34 Just up from a nap of 1hour. – This morning, I woke at 10.00! Didn’t even hear the alarms that were set. But, it makes no difference… there’s nothing very important that had to be attended this morning. – I got up and right to re-packing shit and spent the entire day at that. – The other 2 returned at about 11.30. I noticed them un-packing the car out front and the back of the car loaded with general shit including a case of beer. Oh well. They came in, quietly, and the next thing on their agenda? Crashing on the couch in the living-room where, for the most part, they slept the day away. Me? I just stayed in the room, putting things into more compact boxes. The brown boxes from storage are now flattened and put into the closet. If I need, I have; if not, they stay there. Je m’en câlisse. – GOOD NEWS! I FOUND MY NYC LIBRARY CARDS! I’m quite rather happy about that. Not that they do me any good here, save the connection with NYC, but they’re a small part of MANY MEMORIES… I suppose the memories aren’t exactly what others would consider “good” or “happy”, but for and to me, they’re truly quite important. The trips to the libraries were joyful times of transcribing the Journal that became the book and… they were my moments of respite and peace over-all. I’m glad I have them… to hold and remember. – Put some little bits of shit from Nancy together and got them ready to be sent back to her. All they do is bring bile to my brain and fill me with such HATE! I will NEVER forget the promise to simply make a phone call that she couldn’t find the time to do. But, as is with so many people, the ease of writing a cheque and tossing the money was so much easier. A phone call… that would have been all. But instead… whining about the job. She sometimes came “home crying”… Ah yes? And I, most times, sat in the house freezing, or put aside 6 hours in a day to walk to the market to get something to eat… in MINUS temperatures. All I’d hoped for was that she mae a phone call, from the comfort of sofa, chair or office. Nope. Couldn’t do that. So? The things that will go back are the photos that I have, a bit of her art-work and some kind of bangle-on-a-string. It’s all. The books? They’re stacked in the closet. I’m not paying to send them back. If she wants them, send money, fuck. – BAD news for the day: a text message from ATT: the phone is due TOMORROW! Tomorrow is forecast to be another of the coldest days, with minus double-digit wind-chills. Now, I MUST get into St.Albans to pay the phone. I’m always just so fucked. But… will do what I must. No matter what. – 17.14 Just having my “meal”.. corn-flakes with half’n’half. Hopefully they’ll just give the energy and not rip my guts apart. – It was a bright day today, not too awfully cold. Not, by any stretch of the imagination, was it “warm”, but not as cold as come days (and certainly not as cold as tomorrow’s forecast). – 17.45 Weather check: HIGH of… 3°F for tomorrow! Windchill… MINUS 17°F (I’m actually convinced that the “F” actually IS for… “FUCKED”, when it comes to temperatures.) !!! IT’S GOING TO BE A BITCH TOMORROW! FUCK ME!… as usual. – 24.26 And another night of too late on the Skype. Selfish, really, but we both NEED to stop this, particularly on nights when Viv has to work the next morning… Not to mention that I need to be awake and in good order for tomorrow’s adventure into St.Alans again. The weather report is single digits °F. I’m NOT looking forward ot this. Yes, I can take the jitney back, be dropped at the N. Sheldon Rd. But it’s the trip INTO St.Albans that I’m NOT looking forward to. I just can’t take the cold! – Speaking of which, I’d gone down to a smoke earlier, thinking the house would be in darkness and all would be where they usually are… in bed. But the house was lit and when I got to the kitchen, Brandy was there… gone out to get 6 bags of pellets because the stove was OUT! Imagine that! His hands were red and chapped. Most of me felt terrible about it, but the was the part that remembered that I’d been carrying the shit in, I was filling the stove, and I’m the ONE in the entire house who, just as right now, has NO HEAT in the room and it’s usually only a few degrees warmer in this room than it is out-side. So, in that sentiment… as always… Je m’en câlisse. I get no benefit from the damned stove whilst the rest are in t-shirts and such. So, let THEM work for the heat that THEY get and that I don’t. That’ s all there is to it… these days. – Then, I’d gone down to get a couple of pellets to show Viv and Brandy was in the “dining-room”, rummaging through the MANY slices of left-over pizza they’d had on Friday night. Me? I had the rest of the oatmeal for breakfast, then, this evening, whilst speaking with Viv, I made a mug of cream of wheat. That actually was rather delicious with the coffee creamer and some sugar. (My stomach has been incredibly horrible all day… so much gas and rather painful. I can’t help but think of the other day when there was blood in the stool. But, it”s not important.) – And so… Just came back up from a smoke and found her Ladyship in the kitchen, grazing. When they were in the NEK, they stopped at a little store and bought some old cook-books, So I got to see them and hear about the one for chicken and “We eat so much chicken…” THEY eat… Period. I said nothing. – The comment about Penny having a market for my note cards was made again. Like (a) I give a shit, (b) I have the time and (c) I could actually get something done with the barking and other shit in the house. Not happening… until and unless I can get back into the barn. And even then, that doesn’t, some-how seem likely. – On the way back up to the room thought of how there’s been no mention of me making payment to them and having to add to my salary. Come to think, there’s never been any mention of my making payment. To think, under the law, I have to be officially notified that I must leave and if they want, they would HAVE to take me to court to get me out now. That would mean they’d HAVE to admit to getting payments and it would be their word against mine and even then, it would come out that the house-hold income is augmented… not only by MY contributions, as they are, but Brandy’s as well and that would all re-adjust the medical coverage and SO SO much more. I truly am at the advantage here, but there’s no appreciation of the fact that I simply stay in the cold room, costing them considerably nothing extra. But… that’;s the way I am and I will remain. – 24.42 My eyes are closing. There’s more time in the morning… PLEASE let me wake on time!… to clean this all up, make the new page for March and such. So… lights out!

Mon.3.Mar: 7.58 Nothing like beginning your day with fingers so cold that typing is an effort. LA MARDE! – Woke with the 5.30 alarm this morning. Put on the light and went back to sleep. Fuck it. Nothing do be done until at least 9.00 when I have to ring the GMTA to find out where to get the jitney back to Fucklin this evening. And, the thermo on the barn reads -20°F again this morning. BUT… what MUST be done, all too simply, MUST be done. – The house is awake as well. I just came in from a smoke and her Ladyship is at the kitchen sink… grazing. Brandy is seated upon the bed, giving strange looks as I left the room. Ah… even the deep freeze of the day is more welcoming. – Now, to get this on the Journal, make the new page (May Heaven have mercy on the soul of the dead.) for this month and get to the day. – My stomach is just misery this morning. But I think of Viv, having to drive to work, put in a full day and drive home. Truly, my heart aches for her. We were up, chatting, until quite late again last night. It seems I need to take the situation in hand and as much as I’d rather not, make sure that we’re off-line earlier. – Meanwhile… KADIMA. – Not sure if I mentioned: Last night, as Viv and I were chatting the night away, this lap-top (piece of total shit that it is…) not only slowed down to the point of annoyance, but it DISCONNECTED OUR CALL AND PUT ITSELF INTO “AIRPLANE MODE”!!!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? EH? More and more this thing is pissing me the fuck off. If it goes, there’s a lot of files on it that I want… not to mention… putting it into a box and getting it all the way back to Williston! The world had better hope that that never becomes necessary because I swear I’ll be in full BATTLE mode. – 9.52 Just went for a smoke and the thought occurred to me… MY CASHMERE COAT!!!! GONE!!! WAS IN STORAGE!!! A CASHMERE COAT!!! THE TEMPERATURE IS MINUS 14°C WITH A CHILL FACTOR OF MINUS 19°C!!! I HAD A CASHMERE COAT!!! GONE!!! GONE!!! WOLVERINE INSULATED BOOTS AND A CASHMERE COAT!!! GONE!!! THANKS SO MUCH NANCY FOR YOUR BULL-SHIT!!! CASHMERE COAT!!! GONE!!! GONE!!! GONE!!! It’s as I said to Viv: one of these days all these “little things” (that’s what they are to others) will hit ALL at the same time and I’ll just give up on this bull-shit “struggle”. GONE!!! CASHMERE COAT!!! GONE!!! GONE!!! GONE!!! – Meanwhile, the other 2 are in bed, under the blankets. When I opened the door to the room, Brandy says “Trying to warm it up in there a little? My room is so cold that my hands are cold so I came right back into bed, under the blankets.” I said “Yeah, it’s bitter cold in there (the room) and I have to get into St.Albans (there’s a bloody FLY on the window… again! Fuck this shit! This means there’s something dead, full of maggots, some-where in this house. What the actual FUCK? This is gone WAY past disgusting! It’s actually threat to general health. And I’m worried about catching up with rent? I could have the place pulled out from under their feet!) so I have to figure how to get there so that I can take the bus back.” (More “stories” for the house when I’m out on the road today. Shit.) Oh well… Just wanted to add this whilst I have the moment… – 9.04 It’s so bloody-fucking cold in this room again that my fingers WON’T warm, I can FEEL the cold on my face, I’ve got the hood on the sweat-shirt on my head, and my legs and feet are freezing! The “hole” in the floor is open but there’s no heat coming into this room and there IS an actual “breeze” some-where. All said: IT’S BLOODY FUCKING BITTER IN THIS ROOM! (As Viv said last night: that’s why the rent should be 150$… Fuck. But this is better than being OUT there in this cold and it’s only for the while… just a little while longer…) – 18.23 LEFT THE PO AT 11.30… LIFT FROM ALINE BY SKUNKS MISERY… BUS FROM HOLIDAY HOUSE… LIFT FROM THE BLOND AT THE MARKET WHO WAS ALSO A PMR!… BACK IN THE HOUSE BY 17.25!!! – 23.21 Just off with VIV! I just can’t stop being so thrilled about that. – Getting back to the day… (as the thermo in her registres 10°C and it’s bloody cold). I took my time this morning, around the room, with the others wake and about. But at about 11.00 I bolted for a HOT, HOT shower and immediately got dressed with t-shirt, sweat-shirt, grey flannel shirt, 2 “hoodies” and the jacket on top; under-shorts, gym shorts and sweat-pants under the jeans; boot socks and the black NYC loggers on. The body heat was trapped! And me? I bolted out the door with the “parcel” to Nancy… the shit is GONE! Went directly to the PO where Aline took care of the “parcel” for just over 3$ (fuck). But the shit is GONE and I breathe easier for it now. At 11.30 I left the PO and was on the road to St. Albans, music a-playin’. The iPod some-how went on “shuffle” so it made for an interesting mélange, as it were when suddenly, a car pulls up… ALINE! She motions for me to get in. She was going home and stopped to give me a lift… ALL the way to the CU! I’m really rather quite awe-struck. How kind! How just wonderfully kind of her. And we talked about work along the way. Seems the service is doing to her what I understand they did to Jen: fucking with her hours and pay! This makes me nervous and pissed and heart-sick at the same time. I don’t want to lose Aline! But she’s handling it very professionally, in the manner of a TRUE “PM”! Bless her. – She dropped me at the CU, I went in and got my cash and headed directly for Aubuchon’s! There, I got packing tape, weather stripping for these fucking windows, a 10$ thermo for in this bloody walk-in cooler of a room. And, of course, spent almost 20$ for shit I found at the Dollar store that’s going out of business and selling for 75¢. But, I supported Aubuchon’s so I don’t’ feel so terrible about it. Aubuchon is my “I’m in the North country” connection and I don’t want to live long enough to see them go. By about 13.30 I was strolling over to the ATT to pay the phone. DONE! (I’m still waiting to get the message that the 50$ was posted and the service is still in.) A quiet stroll down to JoAnn’s where I bought nothing. A casual browse in Radio Shack where I bought nothing. And then on to Hannaford’s where I got TWO packages of BEEF franks, large creamer, jar of coffee, TWO boxes of PopTarts, and a bottle of V8! Rather happy with that. I rang GMTA to arrange for the bus at the St. Albans Health instead of Holiday House and “Jim” gave me the run-around about the driver NOT coming to the front door as “Patsy” had said this morning. Ah hah! Even there, the dispatchers don’t communicate. I let it all go and stayed with the pick-up at the Holiday House. – By this time, I was hungry. It was only about 15.30 and so, I dropped in at “Pie In The Sky” where, for 7$ and some change, I had TWO SLICES OF PIZZA and a bottle of Mt. Dew! And I SAT at a booth, and ate with knife and fork. And I enjoyed eating! I ENJOYED EATING! for the first time in the longest while! Eating like a Human-being… for a change! How wonderful it was! – Had time to casually walk over to the Holiday House and arrived there at 16.07. In spite of the fact that it was still rather cold, I was quite comfortable standing at the end of the drive for the 30 minutes or so. I was quite comfortable indeed! – For a while, I pondered the perfectly blue sky above me. I looked up thinking of the brilliant blue of a day sky and how, because I learnt this, the blue is merely a reflection of the sun’s light ff the Earth’s surface, and how, just beyond the Earth’s atmosphere, the “Infinity” out there is dark again. I thought on how we simply take all of this for granted, how many people are completely un-aware of the reality and the fact of a “blue sky” and how, at night, we actually get to see the “true” colour of what is “out there”… beyond “us”. I thought about how many people truly don’t know and how many simply ignore the insignificance of Earth and humanity in the Grater Scheme of “All” and how completely stupid “existence” is, that we worry so much about such petty bullshit when, i a relative blink of an eye, we are conceived, born, exist and die. And I pondered “Infinity” of space until, as it always does, it made me a bit nauseated. But it was delightful… and peaceful… for the moment. And I looked through the trees and off into the North-western distance and say lac Champlain and I marvelled at the fact that I was standing there, seeing it, albeit in the distance… and just across the water (the ice), was NY… my “Home-State”… Plattsburgh, Champlain, Chazy, Rouses Point, Point Au Roche.. and all of it. Nick. The Adirondack Northway… my past, my youth. And, as always, for the the briefest moment, I missed it, much. But then, hey! Here I am, across the lake, in the State of Vermont. Who’d’ve ever thought? I had a smoke and the bus appeared just at the hill. – HOWever.. when the bus arrived, “Chris” (the driver) drove beyond the place where I was standing, not by much, mind, but to the next entrance. Oh well. When I boarded, I merely said “That’s what I get for talking with 2 dispatchers.” “No problemme.” he said. I put my 1$ fare into the box and an extra. I had 4 quarters in my pocket and, well, since Patsy said that they didn’t have the rider-ship to demand more buses, AND I know that there are people from Richford (my “Home-town” now) who can’t afford the dollar, I wanted to put in a bit more. Besides, the trip into BTV would have been 1,50$ and in NYC it wold have been 2,50$. And, to me, it was WELL WORTH the extra dollar! I wasn’t walking that horrid stretch of road this evening! – ONE SEAT LEFT on the bus! Not enough demand? I was going to stand, because the girl sitting in the back had her bag on the remaining seat when she called “You can sit here. I don’t bite.” I asked if she’d had enough space and she said “Yeah!” So I sat. I SAT, ON A BUS, AND WE ROLLED ALONG THE 105 out of St. Albans Town, through Swanton and into Sheldon… I SAT, AND THE BUS ROLLED ALONG! And I felt wonderful, knowing that I was in a group of folks from Richford… my “home-town”. My back-pack was heavy, and with the bottle of V8 this time, it was QUITE heavy. But it wasn’t on my back or shoulders and that made quite the difference today. It was giving me quite the pain… not just in the shoulders but in the chest as well. Matter of fact, on the stroll to the bus, along the 7, at one point I actually thought of how funny it would be to have a heart-attack and drop dead on the road-side… with all the groceries. But you know? I also thought of how ironic it would be when it was discovered that I’d walked into town to get the food and how it would be IF it were to be learnt that it was done because of the resentment in the house about me using “their” car. Hey, as it is said: Pay-back is a bitch… Revenge is a motherfucker. – So anyway… The bus came to the intersection of the 104 and the N. Sheldon Rd. and I got off with a thank you to the driver and a thank you from the driver. I didn’t expect to get a lift up the N. Sheldon Rd. After all, I know, for all the past experience, all the drivers going up this road in the same direction I’m walking, are all going to the same place I’m going to but not one of them will even so much as slow down to consider offering, never mind giving, me a lift. So I put the music back on, zipped-up my layers and headed across the 104 and up the road with-out the signs on my back. Funny, but when I put the ear-buds in:
Lisa LeBlanc: “Aujourd’hui, ma vie c’est d’la marde” INDEED! FRANCHEMENT!
I hadn’t even made it to the “Franklin 5” sign when a car pulled up. It was the young blonde girl from the market who had said that she’d seen me walking (but said that she’d thought to give me a lift had I been on the road in the same direction she was travelling). She motioned for me to get in and I did! We talked all the way in TO THE STORE! She was a PR! She left the PO when Rachel was hired. She’d worked with Aline! What a hoot! Something “in common with” somebody in this miserable town! And we had a great time talking… all the way… TO THE STORE! We even joked when there was something said (I wish I could remember what) about money and having none. La Blonde says: “You could do tricks and charge people. They’d pay. We’re bored here in Franklin.” So I told them about this Summer past, sitting on the front porch and saying:
So this is what we do on week-ends in Franklin… sit on the porch getting drunk, watching the few cars pass, wondering where they came from, where they’re going and why they don’t stop to take us with them when they leave.
We laughed so much that I was still laughing when I got to the back door of the house! The, what I was to find, EMPTY house! So, I came in. Dixie was SO happy to see me, and I, to see her. I came up to the room, un-packed my back-pack, set-up the new thermometer and took Dixie and Ellie out to pee and such, and enjoyed the peace in the place. Came back up, put the weather-stripping on the windows with the hope that it would stop the drafts and breezes, heated some water for coffee. It was 17.25 and I was IN the house and getting settled. SIX hours round trip and all! Rather much like the “Good” days of travels to Sutton! Imagine! – So I checked on-line… Viv messaged via Skype but it was too early for her to be home just yet. I left Skype up and running and got the room in order… or as much “order” as I care to bother with of late. When Viv came on-line, we text-chatted for a bit and then… “they” returned at something after sun-set. – Bob came to the door to say that they were back. “They” had taken him to some restaurant for his birthday… which was… TODAY! How charming! Just another slap in the head telling me that I DON’T BELONG. NOT, mind you, that I give AN ACTUAL SHIT. As a matter of truth and fact? I’m rather COMPLIMENTED! Being “accepted” into “this”? NO! Quite the farthest thing from my goals. And Bob feigned that he didn’t really want to be taken to dinner anyway. Still, I trust NOT one breath they take, nor the breath on which their words travel. And… JE M’EN CÂLISSE! PANTOUTE!
(“You owe us a lot of money!”? YOU owe ME a lot of liveable temperatures… and… in fact… YOU OWE ME a LOT for all of the work I’ve put into YOUR property which helped YOU get YOUR “equity loan”. BECAUSE… before I put in the work, YOU had NO equity on this dump… and YOU admitted to that very fact. Not to mention the Friday night “fires” in the back, where YOU sat, got drunk. give/got blow jobs in your drunken stupours and all the while I maintained the fire with the wood that I’d cleaned from the barn and cut. OK? OK!)
That said… There was no mention of my trip into St. Albans and I can’t help but wonder if my little “memes” posted to FB weren’t seen… about NOT minding my business and the talking behind the backs of others and such. Well… as I’ve always agreed: When general statements are made, it’s always the “guilty” who are offended. FUCK YOU! and have a not-so-nice day, very much indeed. – The 3 of them immediately took to their usual places: on the furniture to pass out and sleep. Honestly… what a bunch of hopeless depressives. How SO much like the Shelter this place is: no ambition, just wallow in self-pity, hide away in sleep, and allow the darkness in their own heads consume them. And they make negative comments and remarks about the Homeless! How typical – I went back to the text-messages with VIV! until she made the video-call and we talked. Talking with her, seeing her, even on the screen, just does so much wonder for my heart and soul and this evening, I was in a mind-set where-by I just don’t give a shit-fuck about the rest of this house-hold. Nobody’s actually talking with or to me. Je m’en câlisse. And this evening, I’ve decided in favour of the Law: If this situation were to be taken out of this house, it would be completely their word against mine. I have PROOF of money that’s been “given” to them… with money orders and banque transfers directly into their account. From this point forward, I will pay what I can… comfortably to/for ME. Let them take me to court. I’ll be on the horn to the police, sheriff, Border Patrol… whom-ever. It’s time for ME to behave toward them the way THEY behave toward me. And should they make it necessary? On a trip into St. Albans, I can ALL TOO EASILY drop by ye olde Court House and take the issues into the courts. Sick to utter death of this bull-shit… especially the freeing in here and the fact that the heater in the kitchen was offered and then plugged in down there! And how, when her Ladyship is done grazing, the food from dinner is RAPIDLY SNATCHED away. Yeah… things are about to change… – OK. So Viv and I chatted… – 23.37 Just off the chatting with VIV… Late night again, in spite of our both agreeing that we MUST be more frugal with our time, especially since she’s working the next day. This evening she mentioned something about having had to go to hospital for something… nerves and the likes. Little buy little I’m learning that she’d been through utter Hell! And that she’s living in a place where she doesn’t feel safe… and they stole her hub-caps! Really! Now I so wish I had the money to help here out (but I must remember how I’d done that back when I could). Shit! If I could afford, I’d help with rent for a place for both of us, I’d keep the job at the PO and then some… working here and, if I had a car, I could actually reside and LIVE in MTL and commute! HEY! SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO AND WORK TOWARD! – Anyway, it’s BLOODY FUCKING BITTERLY COLD IN THIS ROOM AND MY FINGERS ARE PAINFUL FROM THE COLD! It’s also time to get to sleep. DAY OVER… IN THE BITTER COLD!

Tue.4.Mar: 8.30 and 12°C IN THIS FUCKING ROOM! How much nicer to see that it’s COLD! – I am in a frame of mind that is not particularly “good” this morning. Up fro a smoke and such. Good palour though. But I just keep thinking of the rent on this room, compared to the house in Richford and how expensive this place is… for a ROOM… a COLD room. And I think of how detrimental it would be if my rental income is to this house-hold, were I the type to exercise my rights. And I find it ridiculous that I have no car and that I have the expense of TD, and that I’ve put my entire salary into this place and for what? Their attitude? And this morning I’m thinking of how all of this will be brought to an end… and I will be getting a car… and a new place to reside in… quite soon. I should have bought a heater whilst in St. Albans yesterday. I should have gotten a heater with the first cheque that made it possible. I should have done. But I didn’t… and it’s not appreciated. And so… there’s a change a-comin’ and it’s a-beginnin’ today. – 9.59 AND THE TEMPERATURE IS STILL FUCKING 12! I just did a conversion for the sake of this documentation:
12°C is 53°F!
I DO believe that that’s ILLEGAL… even in the State of VT. I DO believe, and I shall check with the town Clerk, if I have the opportunity to do so, that even in the State of VT, the MINIMUM temperature in rented space can be no less than 55°F. Hmmmm…. and, as Kendall would say: The plot thickens. (As does my blood?) – Time for a pee and another coffee and the beginning of this day and to open the fucking door for some HEAT! – 10..30 Observation: I opened the door, went for a smoke… the temperature went DOWN to 14°C! I’m now wearing the gym shorts and jeans, a sweat-shirt and TWO “hoodies”! The thermo on the barn reads 16°F whilst the thermo IN the room HAD READ 16°C! – Observation: repeatedly, her Ladyship has commented on the weight of Cubby and Dixie, being “fat” and how they need to “trim”. Imagine: the LARGEST person in the house, who is, at present, asleep, under blankets, on the sofa, in the living-room, by the wood stove, should be concerned about the “trimness” of the poor little creatures in this house. Not to mention, the poor animals are forever scratching at themselves… and nobody seems to give a fuck about THAT issue. Ah… this is such and education… – Just now, as I had my smoke, the reality of “me” came crashing, This year I will have completed 59 years. Next year, I will be 60. At 65, one is expected to “retire”. I will not be able to do that. I though that I should get things together so that I’m in a full-time, permanent (as permanent as possible these days) job. But then, why bother? At the age of 60, I will be rather “undesirable”in the work force. Women at that age look forward to performing the “dirty” work of cleaning the homes of other people. What do men of that age have? Precious nothing. And to think, at that age, looking at stupid work, for menial income, just to barely survive? Unless I put myself in a physical condition where-by I’m eligible for some kind of “disability” payments, which won’t cover even the primary cost of survival, I’m OUT! Well? Time to truly get down to where I can ENJOY the days remaining and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT THEY CALL “LIFE”! ENJOY NOW. FUCK THE REST. – And that’s my “observation” at the moment. – (14°C is 57°F) –

15.32 SHIT! Went to take a “nap”… at 13.00… and just woke from it! I intended to go to the PO to Thank Aline for the lift yesterday. But now? That’s fucked. Oh, and it’s lightly snowing. How charming. And the temperature in this room will NOT break 15°C! Is it any wonder? HYPOTHERMIA! What a fucking shame! Just makes me want to puke! There is SO MUCH that I WANT to accomplish in a day. I mean, there’s the afghan that still isn’t done, but my hands are always so cold that my fingers are bleeding-cracked and always too cold to hold the yarn and hook. And my concentration is off all the time… the brain is dull. And there are many other things that I want to do but I’m always so tired… just from being too cold. Even typing is an effort any more. And sitting here with hoods on and sweat-shirts. Her Ladyship is back in the bed. (Earlier, I was told “diverticulitis for the past 4 days…” and all I can think of is “As if I care.” I don’t. Oh, just realised, I’ve never “finished” the hair-cut either. Thankfully, it doesn’t look too bad. But honestly… still not done. The house in Richford was always cold but I could get things done. I published a book in the cold. Here? Nothing… I just want to go to bed and sleep DAYS away. Yeah, probably a big dose of depression. This house drains… just drains. So too, this town. MUST find a way to get the funds to get the car and get the fuck OUT! SOON and QUICKLY! – AT 9.29 Bob comes to the door…. tap tap tap… “Will you be awake in the morning?” He wants me to take him into St. Albans in the morning so I can bring the car back so that her Ladyship and Jester can have the car to go shopping tomorrow! Fucking nerve! SERVICE? OK. I’ll charge for that. (I wanted to get into Walmart anyway to get polish for the boots because the road salts are taking a toll on them… but… the fucking nerve!) – Meanwhile, I put the plastic from the barn on the windows this evening to try and cut the “breeze” in here and… it seems to be working… a bit. The temperature is now at 18,8°C! Up form only about 15-16 all day. With the door open even a bit, it was up to almost 19° for a while! And the “breeze” seems to be almost gone. The plastic is translucent, not clear. But it will let in the light and maybe some of the morning warmth form the sun. I can only hope. – I’d wanted to shower, but I’ll just go to bed and cleanse whilst the idiots are at play tomorrow. I might even get a quick trip into Richford en route back to the house… depending on how much gas is left in the car… and no, I will NOT put any into the tank… unless it’s all for ME! I’ve had more than enough of being “Considerate”. No more of THAT bull-shit! Truly. – 22.32 and this day is done. Chatted ever so briefly with VIV… via text this evening. Finally got her to get to bed at a not-so-miserably-late hour! Yes, I miss seeing her, but I feel better hoping that she went directly to sleep! – And the temperature is dropping in here again… down to 17° as I turned the desk lampe off. Oh well. I can’t expect HEAT just fro covering the windows. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll drop the money on a small heater at Walmart. With only one outlet in the room, there’s no telling how/where I’ll be able to use it, but it doesn’t have to be HUGE and it doesn’t have to heat much… a few degrees would make the world of difference for me. Besides, I go to bed tonight thinking… again…how I could have taken 1100$ and put it to a car instead of in the pockets of those who haven’t even appreciated the fact that I gave THEM the money instead of using it on me… and the fact that I have to SAVE ONE pair of boots because that’s all I have to my name now. BUT IF the matter ever gets tossed at me again… I’m directly off to the Social Services office to apply for rent help… with full disclosure. If that’s the way it’s going to be… that’s the way it’s going to be. No more bull-shit. Done. – I’m a dumbfuck, really. But not in this respect… not again… not any longer. – PopTarts almost done and time for lights out. I’m not really in the mood to go to sleep, but I must. Fingers are cold and I’d wanted to have a beer tonight but didn’t dare… in case it made me sleep too deeply to hear the alarm. So… on that note… NIGHT!

Wed.5.Mar: Tu nous dois rien…
according to Bob this morning en route to St. Albans, at approx. 6.45. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re all caught-up. Don’t transfer any more money.” Because of all the work on the barn, and flower beds and yard. I believe there’s been access to some of my records… perhaps the Journal? I don’t know. But no matter… unless in writing, I’m sticking to my budgetary notes. It’s a “Trust” issue and just this morning, with my morning smoke, again I vowed… “No More Trust” in any-one. Now I wait for what I know is about to come: “We don’t think your being here is working out.” /”There’s too much tension between you and Randy.”/”We’re meeting our expenses on just the income from Randy.”/”We’re sure you’d be more comfortable living some-where else.”/Bottom line: you’ve got to go. No full-time job, no car, can’t afford to get another place, its still bitter cold. BUT… it’s coming… and sooner than I can recup.
4.57 I woke, of my own, at 4.11 to a temperature of 14°. I wonder what the temperatures were before I covered the windows. (57°F) I’m having my second HOT coffee of the morning and have already had my smoke. So… this day is “On”. And we are “off”… and running. I don’t have enough to get the boot polish AND a heater today. But I do have enough to get more food. Hopefully Hannaford’s will be open as I get there. – 9.10 Back in the cooler, but with groceries, and a little glass bowl and plate for cereals, and polish for the boots, and just over 4c for food! Got Bob off to work and headed directly for the Walmart where I was considering a room heater, for about 15$ but decided against because it’s “Fan-forced”. Noisy and probably not very energy efficient. And to think, I HAD TWO OF THEM! FUCK ME! And I looked and even asked for a lanyard but.. so I stuck with the dishes and polish. Next, to Hanaford’s for coffee (of course), hot and cold cereals, another V8 and this time, 2 tins of apricots AND a box of Darjeeling tea in bags! Darjeeling tea! Happy, happy me. – Then on the road back to the cooler. – The roads are snowy again this morning and under the snow, ice. This cold weather will never stop. – I put Bob’s comment on here at the beginning… – It is… 19.36 and I am SHOWERED! All clothes are clean. The bed-linens are clean. The floor is clean. The dishes are clean. The boots are clean (thanks in most part to a helmet, some ppr, and a 10z). Indeed. And I have eaten 2 franks, 2 large guzzles of V8 and some corn flakes. I brought in a bag of pellets. Took Jester’s clothes out of the dryer, put mine in. Took mine out. Put Jester’s back in. And the house is quiet. Her Ladyship and Jester departed at about 12.30. I had a lie-down for about 30 mins. of half-rest. But the house is quiet and ALL of what I’d wanted to accomplish with this day is done. – The groceries (coffee, cream of rice, Simply Living, PopTarts, and such) are put up. All’s quite well by the moment. – It’s been another day of remembering and thinking of shit in general. Those, I suppose, will never go away. And as I showered I thought:
There are no favours from strangers. If one can’t trust one’s own blood relatives, nor those who continually profess to be one’s “friend”… When one trust one’s blood relatives and those who continually profess to be one’s “friend” and one finds one’s self at the entrance to a Homeless Shelter, alone… There are no favours from strangers.
The day draws nigh when the words will come: “It’s not working…”, “We don’t feel you ‘fit in’…”, “We’re very sorry…” Ah… “We’re very sorry…” Indeed. I’ve heard those words. I’ll be hearing them again soon. I over-heard a comment this afternoon: “… a place to rest and clean clothes, what more….?” Indeed. What more? Nothing. The weather will become warmer and the “guilt” will be melted by the warmth of the early Spring sun-shine. And “we” will be “very sorry”. And I know that day isn’t far along the horizon. My BDM’s are at the ready. – But for now? I do what I do all of the time: I enjoy THIS moment. Period. Because all that iId wanted to accomplish is done, and the house is quiet. And it is… 16.47. The temperature in this cooler is still only 17°, even with the door open and all the moving about. But the house is quiet… – 17.51They all returned about half an hour ago. They’re at table eating… chicken, I over-heard. Nobody came up the stairs this evening. The way is set… I just over-heard a mention of money. Jester speaks… surely about things it knows nothing about. And surely, I will be dragged into something heinous. But? I know this. It will happen… just as soon as they can manage it. – Bob said that he and Lyle will be going away on Saturday again. They want Jester to go too but Jester isn’t keen on the idea because of its little piece of shit. Ah… but we see… “Doggie-sitter Needed”. And then… and then… – 22.34 Clean sheets. Clean me. Inflated mattress. A couple of hours with VIV this evening… all text but still… Even the crisp temperatures out-side (and the fact that it got up to 21 and now is about 16 in here) are nothing tonight. Though my thumbs are cracked so badly that typing is painful right now. But what a most wonderful way to close the day. – Lyle was in bed earlier. He’s on the sofa now. I gave him 2 of my last 4 teas. I’ll have to see if Viv can’t order the Canadian tea… with more to the bag. For me, of course. – Lyle mentioned that he’s in such a slump that he thinks it would be better to just go to bed and die. Yes, I do know EXACTLY how that is. And I too, look forward to the day… the warm, dry day, when I can go “HOME”… even with the bull-shit that’s going on there now… the government is not the land nor the people.. and it certainly isn’t the memories… the government is not “HOME”… and HOME is where I’ll be. And of course, the expectation of hearing the lines that will, no doubt, be coming ever so soon about it “not working” here. Hey. If there’s no-where else to go… I always have HOME and it’s just up the road now. – So, on that note, the room is clean, the boots are “soaking” the polish over-night. I’m clean, clothes clean, bed clean… and warming. Lights out. – Goodnight Viv… sleep well and restful. Indeed, as always, I send you my LOVE… even through the cold, cold night.

Thu.6.Mar: 7.39 I woke at… 7.17… IN PAIN! Temperature of 12° and I was CRUNCHED into a tight ball under the blankets. Stiffly crunched under the blankets. I’ve had a coffee, vit.C and a Naprosen. It’s as if I’d binged all night last… a hangover with-out the fun. I’ve drawn the plastic on the front windows half up. The windows are just now thawing. The frost was so thick that having the plastic up or down made no difference. Cold. The thermo on the barn registers the usual -20°F. Every morning… the same. Cold. – And coming back into the house, standing briefly in the kitchen, in front of the heater, the thought: I truly don’t “live” in this house… I “reside” here… and not in this house, but in the room in this house. But this room is clean… as clean as can be. And I still have the over-powering sense: the “lines” are not far from being delivered. Again, this morning, I am in “BOLT” mode. It will never stop. Never. And this morning, something as small as a fountain pen, gone, brings waves of anger and the pain of loss. – That envelope, years ago, that showed in the post in Parkchester. Birth certificate and name documents. Where did it come from? The penmanship on it resembled CM’s. Then too? I still have the thoughts that all of that storage was sold, by her, by them, and the lies were sent, via e-mail. “I’m so sorry…” How stupid I’ve been to trust anybody. How sadly, pitifully, disgustingly stupid I’ve been. – What a delightful way to start another day. – 22.38 Just off the line with VIV! Brief… all text. But VIV! No matter what… ALWAYS a good day when it includes… VIV! – As for the rest of the day? Well… pretty much… nothing. I did manage to get some reading in. The book on language… English. Started a “page” on FB for “Etymology”… titled “Otto Didactic”. A little something for the Pequistes to chew on. Isn’t it funny how “Time” will change things? Once there was the me who wouldn’t have dreamt of doing or saying anything against the French in Québec. And today? How I see things I never saw “back then”. Of course, things weren’t as radical and disgusting as they are these days. So I even find myself siding with the “Liberal” party. Hey! If it means making it easier for me to move back… I don’t much care one way or the other. Still pondering the possibility of living there and working here. Of course, at my age now… what difference does it all make…. really? – And so, I dropped by the PO today as well. No mail, but it was a delight (as usual) to see and chat with Aline. I DO like working with her and I hope she doesn’t mind me working with her. AND, I hope she comes to like working at this office (not that I ever will like working in this town… but that’s another story for another time… if ever). – Lyle tells me that the “Nighty Night” tea actually helped him sleep last night. Said it was so good that he slept right through all the phone ringing today! Hey! If it helps… Now I’m down to 2 bags and I see that the GNC sells the stuff… not too expensive either. But it’s through RiteAid and for that, I have to take a trip into St.Albans again. AND… go a bit out of the way. Tonight I contemplate another walk. But tomorrow? I’ll see how I feel about it all. I’d actually like to get to the Walmart for a cheap heater. But the temperatures seem to forecast rather OK for the future. Much 0° and 1° to come. Isn’t that just SICK? ZERO seems WARM! (And by the moment, it’s actually 20°in here! My fingers are still cold and there’s a bit of a chill in the air, but at least it’s not -20!) – News for today: Bob came in from work, came up-stairs to ask if I was hungry and of course, I said “No. Thank you…” and again, feigned that I was on-line with Viv (who wasn’t any-where near being on-line or at home for that matter at that hour. But… it relieves me of the responsibility to be forth-right…. and helps to keep me from the table and owing for food.) ANYWAY… shortly after they’d finished eating their “tacos” (which I’d over-heard being discussed earlier), Bob came back up to the room with 3 “jackets”! A leather “bomber” type, a “PVC” leather-look-alike and a zip-thingie, flannel in and light leather-like out. Says a guy at the job brought them in… the father-in-law was getting rid of them and Bob thought that I could use them. How WONDERFUL and THOUGHTFUL and CONSIDERATE! Well… they all fit quite well indeed! The “bomber” looks very nice, needs a bit of needle-work on the cuffs because of some fraying, the PVC collar is cracked but if I wear a hooded sweat-shirt it won’t be bad at all (although I’m not thrilled with the style, as I said to Bob… it’s water-resistant!). The other shirt-like jacket might be good for extra layer. But in any event… this is WONDERFUL! Jackets! (At the near end of the season… but there still some EVER SO VERY COLD weather to come.) I’m quite thankful! QUITE indeed! – I’m pondering a trip into the Walmart to get the heater I didn’t get the other day when I probably should have. The plastic on the windows (which is still rolled half up tonight because I can’t stand the closed-in bit with it rolled all the way down and it didn’t do much to keep this room any warmer last night anyway) isn’t doing shit, all told. So, perhaps the little heater wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I’ll think on it a bit… before sleep, as I go to sleep and when I wake in the morning. No matter what, there’s a trip coming soon anyway… I’ll need smokes and there’s no guarantee that Mayhews will still use the FS. So… I just might go over there anyway… I miss Richford. – No shower today… like I’d have liked. No tea before bed, just some hot water. (And the franks I ate this after-noon are still lingering.) And it’s time for lights-out. I’ll post this and call this clear and BRISK day… CLOSED! – PS: The “parcel” to Florida should have arrived today. Relief: e-mails and such will be immediately deleted before they get to the “In Box”. Her and Fran and Schmulik. I DO appreciate that function. Blocks on other things. And no contact method on this Journal. RELIEF! OVER. DONE WITH. GONE! FINISHED! FUCK-U FOLKS!

Fri.7.Mar: 6.55 Turned over. Turned the alarm off. Dozed… Just up from a smoke. Coffee’s still hot. Temperature is up to 14°. The sun is shining. And the day has begun with the entire house… awake. Imagine that. My “dishes” are clean. Water bottles are filled. I want to pack. I have this fore-front feeling… it’s time to hear the “music”. As I smoked, I thought of Don: When the weather turns warmer… April. 13th April. Well, I suppose the “knowing” is better than the sudden BANG! But I can’t afford it yet and won’t be able to for a while. Apparently, there’s something to do with the “review” that isn’t happening on the job before I can take the office during the week. I don’t know. But, I’ll hope. – And this morning, I hope that VIV got a good night’s sleep last night and that all is perfect with and for her all through this day. – I have music to add to the iPod and a decision as to whether or not I want to hike into St. Albans today. It’s supposed to be warm… 1°. No “minus” on that today! We shall see. It would be nicer to have the car, make a jaunt to Richford instead. But… “Life… is not fair.” –
AND THEN THE DAY BEGAN… IN EARNEST….”
7.12 Where are you? Please tell me you are NOT on your way to St. Albans!!!!! I’ve decided that at about nine-ish I would head down to Franklin! BUT ifn youre not there what would be the point???????
***** VIV! ***** VIV! ***** VIV! ***** VIV! ***** VIV! ***** VIV! ***** VIV! ***** VIV! *****
I looked a couple of times just to verify. I honestly couldn’t believe it! YEARS! YONKS! TOO much time had passed and THIS MORNING? Well… after a few messages back and forth (since mobile service still sees us as being “International” when it comes to speech) and I was so thankful that I’d just gone through this room to clean! And YES! She was coming today! – The very first thing that cross my mind was: Oh shit! And what kind of condition this house is in. But, in my old age, it’s strange how I’ve learnt NOT to take responsibilities for those things that are not “Mine”. The house is as the house is and it’s not “MY” house (and don’t I KNOW that?). But the room is clean and welcoming and .. VIV was en route! All I needed to do was shower. HEY! – As I sat, thinking about how long it would take her to get here, and that she was stopping at St-Jean en route…
10.15 and the phone RINGS! Bob , this time. He was on his way back to the house and would I like to go to Plattsburgh? He decided to take the rest of the day off and all would head across the lake! Now, I don’t know if he believed me or if he was actually disappointed or what-ever the case was, but he didn’t sound too convinced when I told him, rather calmly, that I was waiting for Viv to come. No matter… I continued to wait for VIV and got me ready for a shower. – AH HAH!!!!! As THAT turned out… I was in the shower, soap on the head and face, eyes closed when I hear: “Sorry Jude. I thought you were Lyle.” Bob. In the loo. I thought nothing of it, and couldn’t see anything anyway. Not that it makes any difference to me any more anyway… I just replied “So many people make that same mistake.” and let it go. I continued with my shower and when I got out of the loo, “they” were at the bottom of the stairs, ready to leave when Bob called up “Where’d you get that birthday suit? I’d like to get one like it.” APPARENTLY HE’D OPENED THE SHOWER CURTAIN! Oh well. Imagine that. “Good thing we’re in a house full of men.” says he. “Yes, but it’s a matter of that flag (the “Gay” flag at the bottom of the stairs) that has me a little concerned.” said I. And… out the door they went, off to Plattsburgh. Me… into the room to get dressed, in all sorts of anticipation. VIV!!!!! – I think it was about 12.30 when I was sitting at the window and saw the grey car pull up in front of the house and… VIV!!!!! I BOLTED down the stairs and out the door. I just don’t know how to put into words, the feelings that just jumbled through my head and heart. It has to be at least 6 years… at the VERY least… if not 8 years! And, quite frankly, for most of that time, I thought she’d been pissed with me. But here she was!!!!! So I brought her in, showed her round the house. Dixie wouldn’t leave her alone, Ellie followed about and Chica (the useless piece of shit) simply stayed on her step and growled at Viv. Little fuck. Just like her Jester… rude, inconsiderate, classless. But… we spent most of the time “touring” and in the room anyway. – Then she went out to the car, to the truck and… brought in JACKETS! One from Gaetan, nice and fleece-lined, one of hers that “uni”, made in Québec and certainly not cheap! AND THE HUDSON’ BAY BLANKET that I’d gotten for her when, YEARS AND YEARS ago, I had the money AND THEY WERE ON SALE! But to have a HUDSON BAY BLANKET AND NOW, ALL THESE JACKETS! (I couldn’t help but think… at the END of the Winter…). Still… WARMTH! How odd… just her being here brought WARMTH to me. And with the jackets and such? WARMTH! I am NOT complaining at all!!!!! AND… SHE BROUGHT THE HUDSON BAY BLANKET THAT I’D BOUGHT FOR HER SO MANY YEARS AGO! She claims it’s too heavy for her to sleep under. But WOW! And now I can be warm, warm, WARM! I’m afraid to open it (it’s sealed in one of those “Space Bags”) here for fear somebody or something will get on it and ruin it. They were costly back when I’d gotten them and I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford another. And… She brought 2 packs of Players! OMG! How wonderful to have those again. (Not that I couldn’t have gone to get my own at some point… but not having the banque card AND with the BITTER cold…). We had a smoke out back on the porch and left for St. Albans where I got 75 from the acct. (not that I can afford it but…). We stopped in at Walmart where I was tempted to get the heater but didn’t (and I’m glad I didn’t… me… happier to have the money to get something for others and not myself… but you know… HEY! VIV!) and we were off and onto the 89 to Williston and the Xmas tree shop where she got a few things, nothing much, nothing outrageous (and I wouldn’t let her pay. The smokes alone were 24$! And well.. VIV!). – She was hungry (and so was I, for that matter) so we went across the parking lot to Chili’s there (23$ and some change for the both of us… beef enchiladas or something.) I covered that. But how WONDERFUL to SIT and DINE and actually TASTE the FOOD! And to CHAT whilst EATING! And to EAT FOOD like a HUMAN-BEING! And to not think about something SNATCHING the food from the table before I actually ATE! HOW WONDERFUL! AND HOW SUPER STUPENDOUS to DINE with VIV again! – When dinner was done we headed over to S.BTV… Family Dollar… my “intro” to VT. I got a new “ Triple Antibiotic Ointment” for my cracked thumbs and then, oddly, I couldn’t recall where the GNC is until we were headed back. Viv turned the car round and we went. NightyNight tea! 7$ for 16 bags! Supposed to be buy one get one half. They had only one! SHIT! I’ll e-mail their corporate. I’m rather pissed. – A stop in Winooski for gas and lottery tickets. Yes, just like the “old days”… MUST to try for the “foreign” lotteries. No sweat, really. And more time together. – En route back to Fuckline Viv told be she’d been trying to find me for 6 years! I told her that Schmulik had tried for about 7. (Me? I can’t imagine how so many people manged to find so much negative shit about me when they did back-ground checks but when people who matter tried to find me on the Internet, there was… for all those years… nothing! really HAD managed to drop off the earth… But now? Not so much. The Internet is PACKED with shit… of course… the shit is MY OWN doing, so I don’t so much mind AND… VIV! is BACK! so I’m actually quite rather THRILLED!) – What strikes me is that she was looking for me whilst I was posting to her all the while. I told her about it all. But, the matter is: we were looking for each-other and that means the WORLD to me… AND HERE WE WERE, rolling up the 89… in VERMONT! And now, she’s all of 90 minutes away! OMFG! – Well, as Fate would have… we got back to the house, oh, a bit later than 21.00… the “brood”, the “litter” was “in” and the door was locked! I fumbled for my key and Jester opened… FUCKINGDRUNK! All teehee and shit. “We thought you were already here.” How the FUCK could you NOT know that I WASN’T there? No sense in even asking. Poor Viv… the introduction HAD to happen… and yes, the 3 of them were quite wasted. But intro’s were made and Viv came up to use the loo. And, unfortunately, she had to be on her way. (At one point in the car I’d said something about going with her… but I had to work the following day and, let’s face it, I’m not in a place where I can afford to take the tine off…) – It was SO DIFFICULT to watch her drive away tonight. But it was SO UP-LIFTING to know that she’s only just a matter of a bit of time away now… CONSIDERABLY LESS TIME than EVER before! She took the Hana Rd. into Swanton and HOME that route. I came in to wait for her message telling me that she was back and safe. – When I came in, let’s face it, I’m a schmuck… I split the tea bags… gave Lyle 6 (claiming I’d gotten 12). 4 of those Nancy had sent and 2 of the “new”. NEVER LET IT BE SAID THAT I’M SELFISH. I MIGHT “OWE [YOU] A LOT OF MONEY” BUT I AM NOT SELFISH, NO MATTER WHAT! Frankly, I je m’en câlisse eniwé. Drink and enjoy… WTF? – And so… 22.33 Putting the notes for the day and listening to the faggot, at it again, drunk and moaning and talking and chatting all sorts of shit over there. No doubt there will be some more of the “FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUCK!” again at some point tonight. I’ve no more patience for that shit. Really. It had better go with them tomorrow (they’re planning on that “Sex-toy Demo” party over by NH and Bob wants the Jester to go… and so do I!) because I nave no patience for that white trash drunk and this shit. And if it doesn’t go, and they spend the night… there WILL be mention of this disrespectful bullshit. Indeed. – That said… I’m having a light coffee and waiting for a text message telling me that Viv’s OK. (I may go down for a smoke as well in a bit. Fuck the rest of them.) – Lyle says they’ll be leaving about 10.00 tomorrow. PLEASE! – 22.52 My stomach is churning. Not used to food. –
24.27 “I made it!!!!” came the message on Skype… and the day… THIS AMAZING DAY… draws to a close… On to the next…

Sat.8.Mar: 6.16 And yesterday seems a dream. – The temperature in the room is already 17°. The barn thermo reads 20°F. A WARM morning! Amazing! And here I sit, with more heavy jackets and such to keep me warm. Still, the temperatures aren’t exactly “toasty” and in “normal” situations, this would still be considered “cold”. But after waking to 12and 13° in the room and MINUS 20 on the barn… this is WARM! – And yesterday seems a dream. – All I can say at the beginning of this day is: PLEASE! That the house is void of people when I return fro work. – 23.59 Well… Work went quite well today. Just rolled along… yet again. No enemies made (as far as I know). The balance sheets balanced. Of course, I got there at about 7.10 and worked my arse off until noon. And even at that, the paper-work is waiting for Monday morning. But you know? I don’t care. It’s done. – When I got to the house… her Ladyship and husband were gone, however, the Jester remained. Oh shit on me! Really! And,of course, the washer was going. Bed-linens. That never stops! So I came to the room, has a bit to eat (hunger!) and actually took a 2-hour “nap”. I was SO tired! When I woke, it was back to the computer, social media and such and more eating… hot cereal and such. Jester made a bit of left-over “taco meat” but never offered. And I never asked. Although… tonight, I dragged 5 bags of pellets into the living-room. Why? Because SOME-body HADA to. And I do NOT want to over-hear or hear or be told that I did NOTHING around here! Fuck-all. And I KNOW that I will… probably anyway. – VIV was out with the girls today so there was no word from her until rather late this evening. And I missed her messages because this lap-top is fucking about again… slow and what-have-you. So I’d turned it off for a bit and when I got back up and running… the “Good-night” message on Skype. I sent one back. – And so, right now, I’m under a HUDSON BAY BLANKET!!!!! Viv is right: it IS heavy. But WOW, it’s a delight! And I won’t need that damned mattress heater tonight! It’s on for now, but not for the night. WHAT AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE UNDER ONE OF THESE AGAIN! (I wonder if I’ll ever be able to afford another one… ever.) I even took a photo and posted to FB this evening with a message to Viv. She won’t see it because she dumped FB. But it’s just another of my messages to her that she probably won’t see but will be “there”… for about… forever. – Can’t stop the sneezing today. I don’t know what I’ve picked-up. But it started after I Hoovered the room again today. Friggin allergies? This house? The animals? I don’t know. But it’s annoying. I showered, in the hope of getting rid of what-ever it is. – OH! And tonight, the fucking “Daylight Saving Time” begins! JUST when it begins to get lighter, earlier… this shit comes into play. Fuck-all. Oh well. And 1 hour… gone. Right now the clock is reading 0.10 or 24.10. But in actuality, in about an hour or so, it will be 1.10 and I’ll be to bed LATE! Just another day. – Her Ladyship and hubby will, no doubt, be staying the night at their “Sex toy therapy group”. Good for them. But when they realise they’ve lost and hour? My, my. my. I don’t care. Hopefully the house will be in silence tomorrow… and tomorrow night! – For now, time to tidy this Journal up a bit and get to the lights out. – A cup of hot water at bed-side and me showered… and WARM! It was about 22³ in here today! Imagine? But I’m sure that’s not to last long. But… with a HUDSON BAY blanket? Je me’n câlisse!

Sun.9.Mar: 9.47 which, yesterday, would be 8.47 and here we go again with the “Real” time v. the “Made-up/Fake” time. I’m just catching up with all of this Journalling… and the house is quiet… the Jester is in its room and the others are some-where on the road. – 10.07 And what a pure delight to sleep under the HUDSON BAY! I didn’t want to wake up this morning. I didn’t want to leave the bed. As a matter of fact, I’ve had 2 smokes and am on my “Second Cup” of coffee and am still in the bed. It’s just too wonderful to be under this blanket. The sun is shining. The barn thermo is reading 20°F already. And I have no desire to remove me from under this blanket. The weight alone makes it all worth staying right here. – Jester is in the kitchen, doing… I don’t care what. And I have the door closed. It’s all of about 16° in here. But I’d rather be in here than… “out there”. – I suppose I should post all of this this morning and be… “caught up”. Indeed. – 11.03 The return. – 19.32 Jester cooked mac’n’cheese, from scratch, whilst the other two slept… I… was not invited to partake. – However… I did get time with VIV on Skype this afternoon until she fell asleep. She’s now en route to Gaetan and Daniel to deliver some smokes. – Me? Hungry? Yeah… I had 2 bowls of “Simply Living” with water and creamer. – It’s a cold 20°C in here now too. But soon… time to go to sleep. Thankfully. – 21.21 And the house returns to quite again. It’s been quiet for most of the evening. I’ve been in the room all day, save the smoke breaks. Just went down for the last of the day. Chatted with Lyle for a few moments. He’s telling of how he’s been extremely tired for the past 3 days. Odd… he’s slept most of the past 3 months (and more). But I can understand, to a point. Depressed and all that. I’d asked if he knew Beth Orton… the singer who made the song “Central Reservation” back in 1999. THANK YOU VIV! She gave me the list of music on the CD we were listening to on Friday… that song was on it! It was part of the CD that I used to listen to on drives to Montréal and for some reason, the voice, the beat, the haunting sort of melody… I’d play it over and over. Always enjoyed it tremendously. And today, it has the connection to those drives… HOME and to VIV. I put it on the iPod already and as I looked for the information on it and the photo of Beth I found the announcement that she had done a concert in BTV… LAST MONTH! And… oddly… she married some guy from Brattelboro and is living in… VERMONT. Well… Lyle had never heard of her. Oh well. But still… the song is, once again, part of my life and again, connected to VIV and HOME! – Seems Viv’s not back yet or has gone to sleep. She’s still connected to Skype but there’s no word. I sent her a link to the song and a message. I want to include the message here:

[21:20:59] The last link is the song that I was looking for. You have NO idea how much JOY you’re putting back into my life. You just won’t ever know. Seeing you again, knowing you’re OK. Being able to spend time with you again. Friday was something that I never thought I’d ever enjoy again. Then, the Hudson Bay blanket… well, I put it on the bed, sat there, wrapped me in it and just sat on the bed crying like some damned idiot fool. I remember getting them, ON SALE. And tonight, I get to listen to this song again… I used to listen to it driving up to Montréal… over and over and over. No… you’ll just never know. The past years have been misery and shit. One or the other, and all too often.. both at the same time. And as I go through the “Journals” that I’d been keeping on-line, and looking through the posts on Twitter and such, there aren’t many dates where you’re not mentioned. I don’t know… call me stupid, silly, deranged, what-ever. But I’d gotten to a point where I just figured (especially on my walks to Sutton… imagine, if you will, being in Québec, walking along the road, thinking “Look at this! I’m actually HERE, and some-where out there is Viv… and I’ve no way to even try to find her.”) … I just figured I’d come to Vermont and that was the end of “it”. And then… an e-mail out of no-where… and THEN… a TEXT out of no-where!!! And then… THERE YOU ARE! Out of no-where (or Québec… if you want to get particular). Well, they say that the “Good” we do comes back to us, that some-where there’s a tally, a record of our “Good” deeds. I doubt my existence is of any particular value in the Greater Scheme, but, if the energy of a Heart and Soul actually DO have any value, and if that energy actually DOES affect another “Life” and if there is ANY truth to what I believe with heart, soul and marrow is bull-shit… on the off-chance, my Heart and Soul are FULL of all kinds of Joy that I NEVER, not even in my more delusional attempts, ever thought I’d ever know. Thanks to you.

And, in closing, a mention: I almost lost the “cushion” for the ear-buds for the iPod this evening! What a traumatic event! To think: the ear-buds come from the Rite Aid in ROCKAWAY! To think of them as useless now actually caused chest pains. Then, the only way to get new would be to go into St. Albans and hope. And I usually listen to music as I go, and with-out the ear-buds… no music! And just as I was looking forward to listening to “Central Reservation” (the video was done in NYC too!) I tore the room apart and there, on the rocker, under the burlap bags that I use as a cushion… THERE IT WAS! YAY! – So, now, at 21.32 (which should be only 20,32), I’m waiting for the “new” NightyNight tea to steep and I will have some and get under the Hudson Bay blanket and call this day… DONE! – Oh, and a note: it seems… and I say that it “seems” that I’ve done something to “offend” some-one round here. Each time I’ve spoken to anyone all day, I get a rather cold shoulder reply. Even when the other two came in from their jaunt… Now, the only one who got a telephone call as they were en route back was Jester. I didn’t hear the chat and don’t really give a shit what was said. I CAN say that I dragged 5 bags of pellets INTO the house last evening (and I get NO benefit from that what-so-ever), I didn’t eat any of THEIR food whilst they were away, I didn’t take or touch anything of THEIRS. AND… I didn’t even wander round THEIR house whilst they were gone. I did clean a bit… in this room. But as I keep it clean, it makes it better for them when next they rent. I didn’t even get to make a wash whilst they were gone! So? I know… it makes no difference to anything in the World. I just note it. – Day? Done!

Mon.10.Mar: 6.51 The tea must have worked because I slept through the night and woke, with the alarm, rather refreshed. But when I went for my smoke, I stretched and my entire right side went… painfully. As if all the muscles had been pulled out of their natural order. And for some reason, this morning, there is a great deal of flatulence. Uncomfortably bloated. Quite uncomfortably. I wonder what that’s all about. But, it’s another day, and the date is double digits and anxieties come with the double digits. Anxieties… always anxieties. And I sit here, in the bed, needing to use the loo and I don’t believe I should… the house is quiet. This is not “living” some-where. This is… well… it just … “is”. – I have to get to the PO this morning. Finish the paper-work from Saturday. There’s still time for that. Time… never. – Oh, and it snowed again last night. Just enough to cover the ground… again. Doesn’t that just figure? I think there was some reason I was looking forward to getting out, going some-where. By the moment, I can’t recall what the reason was, but there was one. And now? The roads are wet with snow. No travels today. – 22.39 and it’s snowing… yet again. The road is covered. How lovely. – Another 3 hours with VIV on Skype. Poor kid. So tired but the chat kept going. I had video tonight… she didn’t. Computers. But the main fact is: WE’RE BACK IN COMMUNICATION! And yes, I’m being selfish. – The day? At about 11.30 I got a CALL… Aline… can I work for her on Friday? OH COURSE! YES! 14.00 to close… not enough hours to make any difference in my “life” but it’s more time and I get to WORK! Out of the house! – At about 14.30 I strolled over to get my mail and to see… I closed perfectly, on the computer and with the office paper-work BUT… I didn’t notice that the reg. envelope wasn’t stamped with the necessary info. and I missed the cash total on the deposit slip! But she keeps saying (and it’s true), that I don’t work often and that one of these days it will all be fine. I keep thanking her for her patience. – Stopped at the store for crap to eat. Mac’n’chese in a cup (which doesn’t work well with just boiled water… the pasta gets mushed… but I ate it anyway… of course I did… I do that…. have done that… all through my “life”.), frank rolls (had 3 this afternoon… I was hungry)., licorice and… BUTTER! (PopTarts too, of course) And some kind of pasta “dinner” in a packet. (This evening, I had 2 frank rolls with butter… BUTTER! What will I do when it becomes too warm to keep butter in the room? The butter was actually for the hot cereal, but it’s good to have… whilst I may.) – Dinner though… When I went down for a smoke at about 16.20, Jester was cooking some “chops” or something of the sort… 4 of them. I simply looked and went for the smoke. 4? Why bother? You KNOW I’m NOT going to eat. But when Bob came in, he came up to the room to ask if I was hungry. And of course, I declined. I still owe “a lot of money”. And… your advert on-line clearly stated “FOOD NOT INCLUDED”. – On and off during the day, there was some “chat” with Lyle. When I’d gone out for an evening smoke, Bob came out as well. Talk is .. but there’s something “not right”. Well, they probably wonder what’s with ME… and I wait for THEM to drop a something-detrimental or hit me in the face with it. Talking almost seems an effort. Indeed. – And for the rest of the day, I idled away of FB… just passing the time. I should be doing SO much MORE… but art, writing, the likes… it’s actually rather painful these days. Reminders… always reminders of the pain of loss. It would be a delight if these “elections” back HOME would be over and I could figure a way to get there. There will be must to ponder after 7 April. I can still hope… I can still ponder… I can still dream… and I do. – By 22.00 the house was in darkness. All gone to bed. And as for me? 22.40-plus and I’m going to bed. FINALLY! Another day is gone… I wake in the morning looking forward to the end of that very same day… I look forward to the end of ALL days. If not for Viv… BDM… and HOME. – PS: I’ve put this Journal back on “Private” tonight. None of anybody’s business. (And with the new FB page for me… LN… no sense in blithering to the world… no sense at all.)

Tue.11.Mar: 8.02 Just waking! Woke at 5, turned the light on, went back to sleep. Just had my smoke. Coffee is cooling. The car’s out front. Bob’s asleep in bed. Lyle, asleep on the sofa. Jester? Asleep. Snow on the ground and road. And my stomach is all out of sorts. And… as I came back into the room the thought: I wonder if I’m going to be hammer with something today… the lines I’ve anticipated (got to go?) How wonderful to wake in the morning and think such things. – I need rent… car… cash! Now. – 19.32 Just up from a smoke… walked through the kitchen, Bob at table having wings, Jester at the micro-wave. Jester looks at me with a face that yelled “You’re not here to eat, I hope!” VOYONS! Non! Je mange pas… comme d’habitude, câlisse! Seriously? So I went for my smoke and when I came back in, Lyle was just to table, filling a plate and Bob asked “Are ya hungry?” and tonight’s reply was a simple… “No.” – It was an extremely quiet day… save the out-bursts form the little Mexican shit. Poor Ellie got a “cut”. She looks like a pig… colouration and all. But Bob says she was black in places where the fleas were so thick on her. Well? You treat the other animals for fleas but Jester’s little piece of shit is “above” all that. Fleas and barking and the rest. And, GOD FORBID! any one should even so much as mention the correction of situations (including the vomit and piss and shit on the rugs…) and Jester’s all packed and leaving and her Ladyship is all in tears. Bin… voyons. Je m’en câlisse. Pas d’mes affaires… PANTOUTE! – And so, I entertained me with Tmblr and FB and such. Nothing much accomplished. And tomorrow should be unadulterated Hell… SNOW coming in tonight and tomorrow… another FOOT of it! ALL DAY! No travel for me! Oh well… not like it’s the first time. – 19.39 and I feel like 23.39! Got a hot tea steeping. I’ve had much cereal and a bowl of HOT Ramen noodles. Mayhaps a PopTarts before bed. Nothing for now. – Will try Viv. It’s going to be an EARLY night tonight. – MUST remember to put the trash (hahahah) out tomorrow morning! – 24.09 And yes, a some-what brief chat with VIV this evening… text only. But I wanted to make certain that she got SLEEP tonight! So it was rather short. Still, I got wrapped in the politics on FB and, well… I’m up MUCH later than I’d hoped and planned. But the house was DARK by about 21.30… even Jester! However, that followed the HOOVER AT 20.28! Which was followed by the scent of WEED having been smoked! Honestly? It all adds up to where I won’t feel guilty about leaving here at all… May that moment be SOON! A simple matter of find and go. Return the “respect”: No heat, no thanks for the work done, no consideration of the work done, being imprisoned in this room to pee in bottles and not free to have a smoke for fear of waking all because of that piece of shit mutt across the hall that NOBODY will discipline for fear of Jester leaving!!! Yup… give all due respect. – Anyway, no sense in dwelling on it now. I’m having my PopTarts and will be off to sleep (I hope) momentarily. This day is “Done”… tomorrow? To be fucked with a foot of snow… How charming. But I DO recall last year… 12 April… ICE storm. So… the “Winter” is NOT done… yet.

Wed.12.Mar: 6.52 Woke with the 5.00 alarm… turned it off… went right back to sleep! Thankfully, there was a 6.35 alarm as well… and no car at the house this morning. But the skies are (well, ca ce peut tu) grey. So, we look forward to yet another day… BUT, would I trade this for an hour in NYC? HELL NO! – 7.40 and the garbage is out… at last! – 11.48 Taking a break from the editing the notes for the DA/LN journals in 2011. Temperature in this room is 19°, the snow is whipping about out-side the window, the Northern front window is rattling (though I don’t know why since I put the weather-stripping on it). And MY HANDS ARE FREEZING! It’s a bloody COLD 19° in here! Typical. Just typical. And I want to NAP! – Got a call from Aline this morning… can I work E. Fairfield on the 24th/25th? Of course I said “Yes.” But it’s a 4-hour office which means: in at 7.30-9.30, break until 14.00-16.00 with 15 minutes to close. 5 hours with nothing to do in E. Fairfield AND BIKING at about 5.00 to get there (I have to check the map… god help me). – The other 2 finally woke at about 11.00. Her Ladyship showered (though… never mind) and Jester FILLED THE BED THIS MORNING… JUST AS WAS DONE LAST NIGHT! Honestly? I’m rather glad… It would seem the animals on the bed may have made a leak in the air mattress. I wonder now… will I have to hear about “money” to replace the mattress? I hope not because I will NOT be responsible nor accountable. FUCK the Hell out of “dat shit”! – I’m growing a bit tired of this snow… And there are things I need to DO and now, can’t. Oh well… as I say… I wouldn’t exchange this for NYC… at all! Especially after reading January 2011… – 12.32 ANNNNDDDDD…. the SNOW IS JUST FALLING ALL OVER THE PLACE! And… a check on the Google for the way to the E. Fairfield PO? There are sections of road to be taken that even Google hasn’t gone through! THIS… boys and girls… is going to prove interesting. – Meanwhile, I’m kicking me in the nuts for not getting the room heater! COLD COLD COLD!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK ME!… – 15.52 The back and the front of the house got shovelled. So too, the PO, imagine that. AND… I got 2 packs of smokes and some “provisions” and I’m set… Right. “Set”. The snow is still coming down and the work that was done doesn’t show at all. It’s the little snow flakes, the kind that don’t look as though they’ll amount to anything but WOW do they ever! Eh ben… I know I did the work and je m’en câlisse, I don’t give a fuck whether anybody else notices. – When I went into the store, Bill asked me if it was my turn to cook dinner. Right-O! I simply said “I’ll clean the barn and shovel the snow but I stay away from the kitchen.” And he said “I see you do all the land-scaping and that…” Bugger the lot of them. – But I made it out, then back in, then back out and back in with-out being intercepted. Gee, I wonder… nobody came to check to make sure I wasn’t taking any food! And speaking of food… there are “left-overs” in the back porch! None of my business, really. But imagine that… SO MUCH FOOD THAT THERE ISN’T ANY ROOM IN 2 FRIDGES OR 3 FREEZERS! MON BON DIEU! And a CLACK DE TABARNAK DES CAVES! just for the shit of it. – Meanwhile, I spent most of the morning cleaning the DA/LN notes and will be returning to them… Coffee’s made… time to get to “work”. – WELL after midnight and still awake!!! Strange… I keep “seeing” something or somebody floating about the room tonight. A “shadow” is moving about the room, and something passes the mirror. And there’s a very “odd” sort of atmosphere to the room AND the house. Just odd… the snow is falling, the wind is slamming the house, the window is rattling and there seems to be somebody here… – I just noticed that Bob posted some “meme” on FB about “friends” and some-how included me in the post. (I have to learn the intricacies of this shit one of these days.) Friend? I wonder. My first reaction is that *I’M* the one who’s supposed to be the “friend”… but then, it could mean that he’s saying that he’s my “friend”. Well, I “liked” it, as it were. What else is there to say or do? – AH… then…

…Thu.13.Mar: (I’m just going to continue on with this since it actually is the next day here…) SOME SHIT associated with the PLQ just posted some shit “notice” about me on FB! Claiming that I’m a “SEP”, “endearing” myself to people under the guise of being one of “them”! and that others should beware of me! Fuktards! So I simply posted a memo back, on-line, saying that they know nothing about me and demanding that the message be retracted and an apology be posted or I go directly to a lawyer! (I’ve been blocked from posting to their page so I used the other account to make a statement to them… it pays to have more than one persona on-line and I’m no idiot.) Well, it didn’t take m=but moments and the message disappeared… but only after a few people responded. I wonder WHO the fuck these children are (and why they’re on-line at 2.00 in the morning!) OK. and O well then. Hey! Negative publicity is as good as positive these days. The “celebs” are all working it.. why not me too? – THEN THEN THEN COME THE REAL SHIT! I’d found that photo of C and T Mack on-line a while back and I’d told Viv I’d send it along to her. So I went in search of it on the computer and can’t find it, so I looked for it on-line again and… AND… DID I EVER FIND A SHIT-LOAD! Sarah has a FB page! Cindy has a FB page! John has a FB page! WTF? AND… there are SEVERAL pages by and for MICHAEL! Loads of info and photos! (I’ve kept copies of most of them. But… Cindy’s is mostly about Michael, John is looking more and more like the old man than is comfortable. He’s got a car and a clunky motor cycle (still trying to compensate for what must be a deprivation in the “man-hood” I imagine). He still has the house on Lake Shore Rd. It still looks the way it did when he first got it, but there’s a bit of “landscaping” as it were. And… from the looks of things, he’s still boozing things up. – As for Michael… it looks as though he became quite the “Famous” one too! Sweet-hear kid. What a fucking Life gave him. He’d been to Yankee Stadium, has photos of him in the dugout… with some of the Yankees! Apparently they had a bowling benefit for him at Tarsio lanes (and how odd to know that name after all these years… it puts a hole in my gut to think about it). He’d either lost his hair due to chemo or he shaved it all off. Either way.., he’d gained quite a bit of weight (or was just bloated from meds) AND HE’D LOST A LEG!!! LIFE is nothing more than a SHITFUCK! To take THAT much from a kid like Michael? Really? Truly? “Life” and “Creation” never cease to disgust me. There’s even a page dedicated to him for his friends to post to… and one of his own where Cindy posted a video from his phone. I don’t know… to take a perfect child like that and cause him suffering… Just more of the injustice that is… “Life”… Existence, really… nothing more… nothing less… and no “Justice”. I’m just tankful that Mum isn’t around to have to have experienced it. Still… And all I keep thinking about is that he came into this world out of his mother’s selfishness. Between that and how miserably she talks about Mum… well… it’s not for me to say, really, but, in my heart I can’t help but think “SHE deserved the pain… HE didn’t… but SHE did.” – And moving right along… SARAH is living in… BURLINGTON… MASSACHUSETTES… BUT IN BURLINGTON… AND… JUST LAST MONTH SHE HAD A BABY! The tiniest little boy (and she’s gone quite heavy… but she still has the most beautiful smile… she radiates). I don’t know if she married, but the father has a Germanic pre and family name. They named the baby Oliver Michael with a hyphenated family name. Imagine: she moved to a Burlington (too), had a baby… AND… it crossed my mind that all of them have their FB pages and yet… no communication. I pondered sending Sarah a note, just to let her know that I have NO animosity where she and Michael are concerned. I would like for them to know that their Onkel never disliked or hated them in any way. But then… I don’t want to start anything where-by her parents can or might communicate with me. Sad… really. And if I get in touch with her and she mentions it to them… no doubt it will start some sort of shit flying and she’ll be involved. Best I keep away… Life is short and existence is meaningless in the Greater Scheme of “All”. Best to let things just… – Oh, and Cindy is looking like a “Church Lady” thee days… or, she did before Michael died… If I look at the chronological order of photos, she’s a blonde of late… and a bit stocky. Probably just let herself go to shit. There’s some mention of her “2” boys who are both dead. I wonder if she didn’t have ANOTHER kid! I wouldn’t put it past her. Selfish… nothing more… nothing less. And to bring ANOTHER child into that “family situation”? OK. So Tony obviously did a lot to make for a comfortable and happy “life” for Michael… taking him to baseball games and such. And, somehow, Michael was in Chicago and Houston. But really? To bring children into a house-hold where the mother sleeps in the sun-room over the garage, drinking to the point of falling asleep in her own vomit? And Tony has gone completely grey… still FAT… hair too long for an “adult”. Nothing more to say on that issue. – Well. 3.30 and I’m going to try to wrap this up. The snow is STILL coming down and blowing about. The room is cold… as usual. I’d like very much to get out there and shovel before Bob leaves for work, but if I sleep now, I’ll probably sleep through the alarm. I’ll leave the light on.. hopefully that’ll keep me from getting TOO deep into sleep. And Jester is still awake. For fux sake. Well… hopefully just a little nap here…
10.15 JUST WOKE… and WITH A SINUS THING… THAT’S ALL I CAN CALL IT. I WOKE AND COULD FEEL THE BUBBLE OR BALL OF LIQUID IN MY SKULL! ALL IN THE SINUES! WHEN I MOVED MY HEAD, I COULD FEEL IT MOVE! AND THE PRESSURE! MY EYES FEEL AS IF THEY’RE GOING TO BURST OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS! JUST SICKENING! I DON’T KNOW WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON BUT IT’S DISGUSTING! AND IT’S BLOOD 13° IN THIS FUCKING ROOM! COLD! FUCK! Time for a hot coffee and hopefully this shit will go away! – 14.51 just in from shovelling… At about 11.30 I was feeling a little better. The sinuses had cleared. I still had a head-ache but figured I’d work it off (dumbass… me). But it was a bit of a delight, being out there in the snow, listening to the music on the iPod… I get to go back to Richford at these times and it’s a nice “break” from the reality of this place. As I shovelled today I kept thinking about how much I truly dislike this town and the people. Yes, there’s the people at the library… but all told… I don’t have a bit of trust in any of them. And, whilst I was out front, Cecil came by and thanked me for shovelling. HAH! I got to tell him, nicely but quite frankly “I’m not doing it for YOU.” He said “But it makes it easier for me.” “Collateral damage.” I told him. Nasty old fuck. He’s forever making miserable comments about me when he comes into the PO. Maybe it’s because he’s got an audience there? WTF? Make no difference. I went back to listening to my music and… the front porch is almost completely cleared and the back? The concrete is CLEAR AND DRY! YAY ME! I’m great! BUT… this room is bloody-fuckingh COLD! 14°! And me? I stink of urine… not strong, but I can smell me. And my clothes stink of cigarettes… but I believe that’s from the jackets… which I appreciate more than I can say but they ALL need a cleaning which is costly… in money and travel. Ah… me… get ONLY what is ABSOLTULEY NECESSARY and nothing more… NOTHING! No “breaks”. But, again… existence. Soon it will be gone… and in the long run? I will amount to nothing… So be it… (soon, please). – Just having 2 burger buns with cream cheese and a “mocha coffee”. I’M BLOODY HUNGRY!!! All that work… and of course, not one son-of-a-bitch in the house notices or expresses any gratitude. As if it should be any different. Fuck me. Fuck them. Fuck all. The work was there. It should have been done. I had the time and the strength and energy… and it’s done… and I enjoyed the time passed. Enough – 23.12 Just getting caught-up with last night, this morning and the day. Had a “text chat” with VIV for a bit this evening. I actually cut if short at about 22.15. She and I both need the rest. – The “house” was quiet quite early tonight. Bob and Lyle went to bed at, it must have been 21.00. Jester commandeered the bloody shower so I didn’t get to take one (and I NEED one!) – Earlier this evening, I mentioned the work in E.Fairfield to Bob as we had a smoke out back. He wanted to know where the PO is and what hours. When I told him, he expressed an interest in knowing where the PO is and how to get there and I over-heard him ask Lyle when we came back into the house. I’m not planning on a lift to or from… I don’t “plan” on such things anyway. AND… to be quite honest… I’m rather hoping (despite the inconvenience and probable pain of biking) that there isn’t an offer made. If there is, I’ll accept, of course. But I’m not planning on any such thing. – Meanwhile… it’s so cold in here that my hands are becoming uncomfortable and I’m not able to type very well at this point. I should be up early in the morning… mayhaps to make a wash? That would be delightful… that and a shower or two… maybe even shovel a path to the back barn again… since there isn’t one now after all the damned SNOW! – Oh, and earlier, I’d gone down for a smoke and took a look out the door window… packed snow on the road and under it? ICE! And what… 3 more days until “Spring”? HAHAHAHAH BULL-SHIT! Well… I can’t complain, really. I can keep cheese and half’n’half on the window sill… for at least a week! When the weather warms, that’ll stop. Oh well… – LIFE… nothing more than a temporary existence that will, in the long-run and Greater Scheme of Creation, amount to an mean… ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY FUCK-ALL NOTHING! – I post.. put out the light… this day is FUCKING OVER! – 23.25 I just posted and the “hits” counter is up by one… and I have this blocked! WTF?

Fri.14.Mar: 7.10 13°! 13 BLOODY DEGREES IN THIS ROOM THIS MORNING! VOYONS LÀ! CA CE PEUT TU! – AND AGAIN, this morning I slept through the alarm! Fuck! This needs to stop! – The house is awake. Jester was awake and about with her Ladyship this morning, but is back in the bed. Something about the stove having run out of pellets during the night and Lyle(ette) (as Viv stated last night… teehee) put a bag in at some point. Ca ce peut tu? So, that just goes to prove that it can be done, it can happen. Alors! – Bob claims that it’s 10°F out there already. But I’ve just come up from a smoke and the barn thermo reads -20°F. Oh well. – But I still have that “sour” odour about me this morning. I wonder what that’s about. Eh? Oh well. It’ll be gone soon enough… I have to shower before work… this afternoon. – There are things that I should be doing this morning… like, perhaps, finishing the afghan… and when I opened the computer this morning, my error, I opened the “Max Manuscript” twice. I wonder… I should finish that? Yes, I should. Perhaps dedicate it to the children… “the children”… products of a delusional, dysfunctional, psychotic “family”… and then have the opportunity to see the review of THAT! I look forward to that. – Well… time to “get busy”. There’s no snow this morning, so… – 21.36 In bed at last! I’d wanted to be in bed at 20.00 already but got caught in the FB roll. (No Viv tonight… she’s out dining… thank goodness. I’m glad to know that she has a social life now… And I hope that it’s all a lot of fun for her. She deserves fun.) – I got to the PO at about 13.00 to get my paper-work together for the day and was doing rather well. Aline came by, ran over the needs and left and the office was rather quiet and I was doing quite well… until… UNTIL… at the LAST minute, the money orders and a package to Canada! In the “old days” I knew exactly how to handle those, it was easy. Not so these days. AND… there’s computer work that goes with it. OK? Well, not so much. The computer decided, at the very last minute, to start fucking about. The printer cartridge was low. It all went amok! Yes, my paper-work was FINE! MY paper-work was fine! But as it turned out… I was there until 18.00! REALLY? And pay-roll for today went in already. Well! Let’s add to that the message: I’m to be in E. Fairfield on the 21st! “After 2:15” to get the feel of the office, the keys and the combo. (A quick check of the forecast is… snow. Not too terribly cold, but snow… SNOW! I’ll be doing the biking in SNOW! Well… such is my “life”. We do what we must and we MUST do this. At least I don’t have to be there until 14.15… The trip back should be interesting though. Thankfully, the office closes at 16.00 so it won’t be dark when I leave. The “Google” says it should take me a bit overt 2 hours to get there. I’m hoping they’re wrong. Not so much for the trip to, but for the trip back. Never mind… this is a good way to get me to “try” the trip for the 24th and the 25th as well.) – So, as it went, I IDID get the deposit done and out (a tad tardy, but out, none-the-less) and I DID get my reports printed and done and all’s well. Tomorrow? I have to get the computer part of that Canada parcel in. But I did rather well with the sales. Well, with the deposit anyway. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t have to make a deposit. I have no cash in the drawer and in this town, it’s a bitch to make-up the cash. – Oh, and one of the customers is Canada Border Patrol. We had a bit of a fun chat. Now I can’t wait for the same opportunity with the US Border Patrol… but I must “hah hah” on that. I doubt it’ll be as pleasant. – Got into the house at about 18.30 (after returning “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” which I never got to read… fuck me… but it’s there in the library and I can get at it as I wish). The “welcome” was the usual… felt rather strained. I don’t care. I walked into this room and the temperature was still 13°! As Viv said, the heat should be included in the rent and there’s been no effort to provide any. At 350$/month I keep thinking that I paid only 400$/month in Rockaway and there, I had the heater! Mine (now gone, thank you Lloyd… BITCH!) but still, I had SOMEthing to provide warmth. Unlike here. And I’m certain that if I were to have a heater, I’d hear about the cost. Well… yes, the rent is high, but I did stay for a while on “hold” with it. It’s paid now… and there will be delays to come for a bit. And then? Move along… just a bit wiser for it all. – Stopped at the market on the way to the house. A tin of “Chunky” soup with beef (or so the label claimed) which I ate cold (ah… the memories of eating food that should be heated). The worst thing I’ve done is to finish an entire package of chocolate covered grahams! I’ll be sorry for that in the morning (no doubt, at work). But I was SO hungry all evening. – Just now the wind… THE WIND! it slamming against the house, roaring down the road! It’s not a cold wind though… well, comparatively speaking. And tomorrow is supposed to be about 4°. Imagine… that’s actually “warm” these days. Though, Sunday is back to the negatives. Alas. The 21st isn’t supposed to be “too” cold. I can only hope. – The news that I must include tonight is: HOME is going insane! The language issue now coupled with politicians publicly bashing Muslims and JEWS! “HOME” seems to be running away! It’s depressing! Good thing I’m thinking only in terms of going back to die. Just to become part of the “land”, re-joined with my Spirit. Other-wise, I’d be quite worried. I just can’t believe that that place could turn so vicious, so bitter, so actually HOSTILE. To think that that Province gave me peace… PEACE, and these days it’s nothing but battle. Well, again… I don’t want to go there to “live”, I just want to go there to stay… long into Eternity. – Well, 21.58. Perhaps a post and a lights-out. – It’s Friday night. Jester is already shit-faced and 12sheets to the winds that are howling at full speed and force. Hopefully it’ll pass right the fuck out… maybe even on the stairs… no wait… that’ll just give cause for racket. Hell! As I just thought today: wen I posted for the place, I specified that I wanted “quiet”. When the reply came, it was all about “quiet”. I creep about quietly even when the whole house is awake. The house goes quiet when Bob has to go to work the following day. I HAVE to work on Saturday, so Friday? I’m not asking that the house should be “dead”. But screaming “FUCK!FUUUUUUCK!FUCK!OH YEAH!” in the middle of the night? So shit. Just something for my “Bonjour la visite” note when the time arrives. – Time to post and to post me off to sleep!

Sat.15.Mar: 5.25 15° – 5.48 No Internet. Ah hah! This must be the reason they all went to bed so early last night! The TV must have gone out in all the wind. And the wind WAS TERRIBLE last night! Banging and thumping and slamming against the windows. A few times the house actually rumbled. It’s still rather strong out there. I’m just up from a smoke and had to keep the back door closed, lest the wind take it off. Ah well then… Hopefully there’ll be Internet at the PO! AND LIGHTS. – But… ’tis the Ides of March… beware. – AND TODAY IS MY 1986 ANNIVERSARY! Gee… only 28 years ago. And yet, I can still remember so very much about this day. I can still remember the days that led up to this day. And… I can still remember losing all in storage and how the (still) “mystery” envelope arrived at Parkchester. As a matter of fact, I still have it! Imagine that. The bits of things that have “survived” along with me… Papers… that’s all LIFE is… papers, numbers and nothing more. Nothing less, and nothing more. – Worthless, really… just completely worthless. – And this morning, I have that “sour sweat” odour about me. A true “need” for a shower. My diet is finally making its way out of my pores. Rather disgusting. I remember this morning, having that same odour in the Shelter. And, when one considers… my diet and routine and such is still very similar to those days. VERY similar… indeed. – I’m just recalling the very last thought I had last night, just before actually falling asleep: Because I have just about everything in boxes, turned on their side and little “curio boxes”, all I need do to “pack” is turn the boxes on their bottoms, perhaps put in a bit of packing material and tape shut. Done. Quick. The jackets will present a bit of a challenge since I don’t have the extra luggage in which to pack. But packing and moving along will be a quick deal. Sad… ever so very sad. Almost 59 years of age and still… nothing stable. But, the relief in it all is the fact that I’m that much older now and leaving, one way or another is soon… very soon. – Well, in a bit I’ll be in the shower and on my way to the PO to begin the morning… Hopefully this will be a brighter day. It’s supposed to be rather warm today. The road is covered in slush even now. But the temperatures are expected to drop tonight again, back into the freeze. (And there’s a scratching at my door… one of the little ones probably needs to get out. Poor things. I’ll have to see to it that that happens before I leave.) This weather is getting on the nerves at this point. But there’s nothing to be done about it… besides… I take solace in being back in the North Country. (Funny… even Viv knows why I’m back up here. She’d said, in a recent chat: “You’re closer to the border.” She knows.) – 14.30 FIVE MISERABLE FLIES! I JUST KILLED FIVE FUCKING MISERABLE FLIES IN THIS ROOM! THIS IS DISGUSTING! – 24.15 Just getting into bed… at long last! I was ready to get to sleep at about 20.00 already, but… VIV! HEY! No complaints. Time with her is exceptionally wonderful and I’ll never complain when-ever I have even a moment. It’s been too, TOO many years with-out. It’s not that we chat much about much. And tonight was mostly about the house. I was, perhaps, a bit on the harsh side of things, but I was forth-right and honest. I don’t mean to complain to her. But she asks, and I tell. It does nothing to make things any better, and I do try my best to confine much of what I say. But… – That aside, it as a quiet day in the house. I was out by about 6.55 and off to the PO! YAY! The weather was… well… grey. But it as considerably warmer today as forecast. Sadly tonight, the Winter returns and all that started to melt will freeze. Oh well. After all, it is still March. And, it was the 15th (1986… 28 years.). I arrived as the truck was un-loading and there wasn’t much mail at all today… thankfully. I got right into things and was well into it all when Aline came by to help with a programme that I’m expected to run but never got access to. Imagine that. Well, some things never change. Expect me to perform miracles with nothing. So in Life… so on the job. But it all got taken care of… and by the time it was time to leave, I had little to do! I also learnt something today… Sue, the driver, speaks… French! Here, I’m tossing the “tabarnaks’ and such about, not knowing. But I apologised and told her that if I ever offend, to just give me a shove. (Or, as I’ve coined tonight… un Pauline… a shove, based on Marois’ latest news-worthy gestures.) Close-out went rather well. I hope it’s good on Monday as well. And I took the time to print a new, complete list for the aux-route as well! That should help me a LOT when next I have to sort. – Took my time coming back to… and empty house! They’d all run out, as usual. Hey! Yesterday was “pay-day”… there was money to be spent… quickly! I came in and took advantage of the situation by, first and foremost… 10z! Long over-due and a pleasure today! In fact, so much so that it was followed, rather shortly there-after, by giving a hand. So… lost time, made up today! I got in 2 naps of about 20 minutes each as well. I was really quite exhausted. (This probably accounts for why I’m still awake at this hour.) – “They” arrived round about 17.30 and, well, apparently, her ladyship was in some kind of a snit. Can’t figure why. They’d posted their dinner (at Pie In The Sky of all places) on FB. Yes… out to grazin’… in the grass, as it were. There was some kind of comment made when they came in about doing something and I heard Bob say “I don’t either, but I help.” I can’t help but think it may have had something to do with me. I don’t bother with them when they return from their shopping binges. If they’re bringing food, I don’t eat it, so I don’t feel obligated to help hauling it in. They don’t “chat” with me, so I feel no obligation to be “personable”. So? I stay in the room. Today, I kept the door open most of the day. The temperature never broke 19°. – I tried preparing one of the pasta packages this evening. Tasty, but the pasta doesn’t “cook” in the boiled water, so it as starchy. Still… it’s something in the stomach and it has calories. So, it suffices. – I didn’t bother to go to the market to get anything more to eat today, so eating was sparse. But that’s OK. Tonight I’m not hungry. – And then… there were a couple of hours with VIV! YAY!

Sun.16.Mar: 00.34 and I’m just waiting for the NightyNight tea to steep. All day I’ve wanted a beer but it was too cold in the room to enjoy one and, as I thought about it: if I have a beer, I’ll want a smoke and to have a smoke, I have to go to the porch where it’s even colder. So… I’m having a hot tea. – A thought at the moment: I have the drapeau here on the bed, the one I’ve been using as a scarf. But with all the political turmoil at HOME, I don’t feel the contact, the connection, or the desire to keep it with or on me. I’m almost ashamed of it and now, ashamed of what it stands for. I must get past this. Truly. I will not let those morons destroy the ONE LAST vestige of PEACE that I have in my other-wise miserable life. – Meanwhile, out-side the window, the wind is howling again tonight and the window… the North window, is rattling! According to the météo, the temperature is -5, chill of -10 with North-West winds of 14km/h, gusts of 27. The US report is -2°C with chill of -7, NW winds of 9 mph and gusts of 20mph. But it sounds a LOT stronger than that. Tomorrow’s “high” is 11°F and low of -4°F… and Monday, when I want to get into St. Albans for cash… clear and high of 15° with chills of -8. West winds (of course… against me) at 3-8 mph. Oh well. Friday, when I have to get to E.Fairfield… Mostly cloudy, with a high near 31. West wind 11 to 16 mph. How delightful! 2,5 hours in that. And at night? Low 17, West ind 11-16mph. It’s going to be tough… but I’ll be fine. N word on Monday and Tuesday as yet. Ah… but I’ll make it to work… even if it IS only 4 hours each day with a 5-hour “break” in which I’ll be able to do… fuckall. BUT… I’M WORKING! – Tea is almost done and so am I. Tired, at last. The alarm is set for 7.00 tomorrow (this morning). But I’m not thinking in terms of getting up for anything. No need… no bother. – 10.53 Just back from a smoke. Waiting for the 2nd coffee. The 7.00 alarm rang… I turned it off… went back to sleep. Why bother? The sky is clear. The wind is cold. The room is 16°. And there’s a huge breakfast spread on the table in the kitchen. When I came in from my smoke, Bob asked if I’d like some breakfast. (Declined.) There’s another healthy serving in the pan on the stove. Eggs and toast and such. No. I mean, really… the first though to f my day this morning was: “You owe us a lot of money.” I don’t suppose that will ever go away now. Next thoughts were of a car, and leaving. Honestly… this is a way to “live”? I think not. I should be accustomed to it by now. But… no matter… I think of past notes here, on this journal. I think of the work put into the place. Not that I did it expecting any sort of appreciation. It was a diversion from the realities of not having a paying job, not being back in the house on Church. It served a purpose. And it provided fun and a sense of accomplishment. (I should get back there, shovel a new path through the snow, clean the back-barn. It’s rather a mess in there. I did the “November” stuff and just walked away from it. There are all sorts of things in all sorts of places that need to me moved. The upper part still needs attention. The day… I should take the day and do…) Anyway, it’s 11.00, I’m still in bed, rattling on in my head… There are things to be done… and I should be doing them… No rush. Why bother? – But last night’s tea certainly helped for a night of sleep. And tomorrow? On the road…. – 18.46 Only JUST put clothes on! SLEPT the day away… COMPLETELY! Water runs earlier. And went to take a nap and just didn’t want to get out of the bed. Tired. Cold. But woke almost in a sweat. In a while… back to bed. The day is gone… so too, am I. – Just tired… of it all, I suppose. I did spend some time on-line. Did manage a hot cereal today. AND… how wonderful… was NOT invited to dinner. They probably didn’t know I was in the house… Right. It’s nothing… nothing at all. – Tomorrow? Perhaps a trip into St. Albans. Bike? Walk? I don’t know. Not important. – And now? To turn “my” FB page back to authors and writers and shove the HOME politics to where they belong. – Laflaque. A quick message to Viv. Back to bed.My stomach is still… rather liquid. –

Mon.17.Mar. 6.37 and 12° in the room. 53°F I can;t help but think that I do believe that the minimum temperature in a rented space is 55° or 13°C. I suppose 12 would be considered 55F, But if I’m waking to 12, it probably went considerably lower than that during the night. Honestly, this is insane. But… it’s my fault. I should have taken the money that I was making and put it on a car. Then I should have put money into a space heater. So much that I should have done. But… the rent got paid and here I sit, screwed again. My “Life”. – Last night when I went for the last smoke, I almost tripped, in the dark, on something in the middle of the hall-way floor! (I see, this morning, it’s a fucking bone!). Then, some time after midnight, from across the hall, faggot’s phone, tinkling and buzzing and such. Really? All told, this experience is… disgusting. Well, if nothing else, it gives me the impetus to get my arse up and out of here next week… at about 4.30 or 5.00 to get to work. Even at 4 hours per day, it’s more than I have now. And if biking is what I have to do, then biking is what I shall do. It means mobility… it means… out. – And so, we begin another day.- I stink! Old sweat. That pungent odour. I figure it’s because of my diet and such. I should make a wash, but I just don’t really feel like doing so this morning. Perhaps I’ll just get me together when the day actually begins and head for the barn to tidy that up. There isn’t much to be done in the back-barn. But I don’t want it to be a mess when the season opens and somebody goes in there. I worked to fucking hard to get it cleaned to have somebody say “Look at the mess he left in here.” and… that’s what will be said, of course. – The stomach isn’t settled yet this morning. Trace of yesterday. But I’m doing rather well (thus far) on about 5 hour’s sleep. May the day go along well. – I have to get to the PO to put in the stats that I forgot on Saturday. Nothing major. But… Anything to keep it from having been a “perfect” day. – Faggot is awake already as well… of course. Bob was up and so too… his little fagnome. The whole situation is making me… ill. – 6.59 Look at this! No internet this morning! I wonder…. It was on last night at round mid-night. Not paid? Knocked out? Turned off? I wonder. – 7.00 Internet came up… I wonder if I’ll have connections. Yup. We’re “on”. MINUS 22° out there with a chill of -25. Top temperature today: -7. Thursday’s low: -1, Friday’s high: plus 2! Pluie/neige on Thursday and similar on Friday. Such a delight. Such a wonderful delight. “Life”. – Oh well… Post time. I’ve go 3 pages here. – And at 7.05, the fag-line tinkles. Just no consideration… none. I need to learn how to be that way. – Mon.17.Mar… continued… 15.44 SHOWERED!!!!! A new path to the back barn is shovelled. The front side-walk is down do ice-less!!! Not the entire length (I won’t do from the door to the store.) I walked out the door at 11.30 and came back in at 14.30. Told her Ladyship about the front walk? I was told that there should be a rod of some sort to make chipping the ice more efficient. Not “That was nice of you.” or “Thanks.” No. Tell me there’s a tool to do more work with. Indeed… this place is a lesson… NEVER AGAIN! AND… as I’ve always thought: FAGGOTS are disgusting. Were, are, will always be. Selfish little things.. can’t call them “bitches” because that’s insulting the bitches. But seriously, this is why “Gay” is NOT something to be “proud” of. Just nasty… really… nasty. Two-faced. Bi-polar to the maximum. But, for the most part… selfishly nasty. (And worse? Vermonters tend to be that way to a degree… add the “Entitlement” factor in Fukline… THEN compound it all with the “Gay”. Just nasty! – When I came in from WORKING about the house… there’s corned beef and cabbage on the stove. Oddly, I usually like the smell of that cooking but today it made me rather ill. What didn’t help was the thought of being “invited” to join “them” and hoping it wouldn’t be a “holiday” invite… “It’s St. Pat’s day and we’d like you to join us…” etc. As I said to Viv, it truly is down to where the thought knocks the appetite out and make for… ill. – Well, what I did was… I broke down again and went to the market. FUCK ME! I was hungry! AND, I’ve done a LOT of work today. So at this hour, I’ve just finished a tin of Campbells Chunky Sirloin Beef (right) soup AND TWO peanut butter/frosting sandwiches AND a cup of Darjeeling tea! –

NOTE: Lyle came by the room this afternoon, primarily to chat with Jester but since the door to the room was open… AND… the chat turned to the HUDSON BAY blanket! Seen on the FB page (I forgot about that! Shit!) when I posted my “Thank you” to Viv (not that she has FB, she’s told me). How impressed that I have a HUDSON BAY blanket. I appreciate that he appreciates how rare they are and the quality. I wondered when he felt it and said “I’ve never even felt one.” And I appreciate that he too has always wanted a jacket/coat and that they’re no longer made. What I DO NOTE is the comment about how much Cubby would enjoy curling up and taking a nap on it! And… now… I watch, nervously… dreadfully… and I note. I told him how I’d bought the blankets for Viv and I when la Baie was going out in Montréal. I told him how “sister” managed to “lose” the blankets that I had. I told him that I’m still not sure that she didn’t take and sell what I had in storage. And I mentioned that she’d have NO idea as to the vale and worth of a HUDSON BAY blanket. AND… I threw in: Life has a way of addressing issues like this. She’s lost 2 of her children. I’d say that some of her debt is paid; I try not to think about it any more.

The house will go if the blanket goes. – And so… this evening comes and I’ve already eaten my “food” and Bob comes in from work. The house smells of cooking… rather delightful cooking at this point. Bob comes to the door to ask if I’m hungry. “No thanks. I’m good.” And so I was, indeed. It would have been very nice to eat “cooked” food… Hot, cooked food. But, the very thought of rationing, and then, watching the left-overs (of which, by the way, there are enough to make yet another entire meal for at least 4 very hungry people) snatched up and quickly put into containers and the table cleared and the dishes… waiting to be washed… by… No. It ruins any appetite I might have had. And so… “No thanks. I’m good.” – And so, the day went into evening. NO VIV tonight though. I hope it’s just because she’s getting much-needed and much-deserved sleep and not that she’s not well. I sent a message to her via Skype so that when she logs in she’ll see that I was “there”, thinking about her. It’s all that I can do. Truth is, even if I had phone service, I wouldn’t have phoned, on the chance she’s tired and resting. But… hopefully tomorrow… – Because somebody on FB asked about a favourite “Irish” song, I looked-up Dolores Keane and “Galway Bay” which brought me (some-how) into the Prodigals and “Morning After” and “Happy Man” which brought me into “Father Ted” which brought me into “The Vicar of Dibley” and so I watched an episode of each (and I actually got to watch most of “30 Vies” this evening as well! Imagine that.) – Then came another bit of a shocker… Tonight, as I went for my last, late smoke, Bob came out to the porch for a smoke AND… LYLE came along as well! I wonder why that was! They… we… discussed tonight’s episode of “Walking Dead” which I don’t watch but have seen. And all was rather chit-chatty and light. But I can’t help but wonder: what was the REAL purpose of this get-together. Surely it wasn’t just to discuss the “Walking Dead”. But… that’s as far as it got. – Well… 22.48 and I am SO TOTALLY EHAUSTED! Time for lights out and me out too! Tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll get laundry done. I’m showered but the linens aren’t clean and the clothes I’ve been wearing still have that sour odour. (I wonder if it’s not the soap… or the diet… or both… neither of which is of any “good”.) – And… NO VIV!

Tue.18.Mar: 4.36 and 13° and I’m awake and COLD and WET! Woke in a drenching sweat. Why? I wonder. I can’t afford to get sick now. I should go into St. Albans today (but I doubt that). I MUST get into E. Fairfield on Friday! I just don’t have time to be sick! Of course, waking, soaked, 13°… surely that makes for a healthy environment all round to begin with. Well… we’ll just ride it and see. – Now I truly DO need to make a wash today! Fuckem! – 4.42 and I’ve finished my coffee already! Imagine this! Nice early beginning to the day. Fuckall shame it isn’t warmer! And a touch lighter! (Oh.. but this is the time I’ll be LEAVING on Monday and Tuesday mornings. Ah hah!!! NOW I understand the reason for waking at this hour! OK then… NEXT! – Fucking lap-top is fucking up again with the key-board! Fucking piece of fucking shit. I’m trying to catch up with this journal and the fucking key-board is sticking and skipping! Fuck! – 5.16 Back up from a smoke and a dump. Wore Gaetans jacket down-stairs. And WOW! The moon is shining so brightly this morning! Too bead it won’t be like this on Monday and Tuesday. But OH! Is it ever so COLD this morning! – Stomach is a bit “off’ this morning. The frosting sandwiches no doubt. – According to the météo this morning, the temperature out there is -18, with a chill of -22. -2 for the high today. But clear. I wonder if I could get away with hanging the wash. – This fucking lap-top and the key-board. Will it ever simply work the way it’s supposed to? I doubt it. – 7.10 and 14°. I need a nap. – 9.57 And the clothes are in the wash, the linens are in the dry. And I am feeling like shit. The door is open. The temperature is up to 18°! And there’s been a text sent to her Ladyship! Fuckall. Wake the dead. Bad enough I have to put up with Madame Jester’s reports to follow since I was “seen” bringing my laundry down. Oh well… just another day in Fukline, VT. – 22.34 Clean sheets. Clean jammies. But I didn’t get to shower tonight. Oh well… But I DID get to chat with VIV! YAY! And so, I’m quite happy about it all. – The day? Fucked away inside. I SHOULD have gone into St. Albans TODAY! because it turned out to be quite lovely. A bit chilly, but clear and the sun at one point this after-noon when Dixie and I went out was SO WARM!!! WHAT A PLEASURE! I sat on the porch with my eyes closed and actually felt the heat from the sun and saw that “red” one sees through closed eyes! it was stupendous! How it’s taken for granted so often by so many. But then again, this has been, for me, a miserably cold.. COLD Winter. It was cold last Winter too, but at least I had the heater in my room and control over the boiler… unlike here where it’s just been a matter of freezing half to death. AND… in Richford, I ate rather well… unlike here where today I ate the tin of apricots, then a tin of “Chunky” soup… cold. (And I wasn’t invited to partake in the left-overs.) ANYWAY… no sense dwelling on it. There are more important issues I have to deal with like… a 90% chance of sleet and rain tomorrow, followed by snow on Thursday and Friday morning. How charming! And I have to figure how to get to the E. Franklin PO on Friday afternoon… on the bike, after the sleet, in the snow. Quite honestly? I don’t care any more. I just don’t. I’ll get there and if I don’t, they’ll find my carcass on the road-side. THEN somebody will say “Look at how stoic! Look what an effort he made!” or maybe they won’t even bother to say that much. Fuck them all anyway. I don’t give a shit. – Had to repair the left TonyG boot today. They’re not going to hold up much longer and my jeans area beginning to wear thin. Not good. And I’m reminded of the clothes that are gone… for the second time, and how stupid of me to trust anybody any more. But I don’t really. Viv… because she’s never done anything to make me even ponder a reason not to trust her. But.. of course. – Well, having my hot water this evening and hoping for a warm and restful and sweatless sleep tonight and GREAT weather tomorrow for at least as long as it will take me to get to and from St.A. And at least I have a choice… I can bike both ways or walk in and bus back! Choices! This is good. AND.. it’s time out of this house which is even better. Then a recoup. on Thursday in preparation for Friday. All is well… well… it is. – Oh, and today I ran a couple of programmes to tidy the lap-top files (now to see what’s gone missing), and accomplished nothing else. But oddly enough, the day went by rather quickly. Time.. it’s always all about “time”.

Wed.19.Mar: 7.29 and 14°. Just up from a smoke and not looking forward to today’s excursion. Slept through the alarm this morning. But then again, didn’t get to sleep until about midnight again last night. Stomach’s not “right”. Could be the anxiety of today’s plans. Or… just because… I’m awake. Yeah… that’s probably it. – The sun is shining through the clouds… clouds. Go figure. Well? Well. – Hazardous weather warning on the local, and just rain and snow on the St-Armand report. But higher temperatures.. in the pluses! That’s pretty good. Not too high. But.. Now, if I can just out-run the precipitation. – 18.12 AND THE ICE IS GONE FROM THE FRONT PAVEMENT!!! I FOUND THE “TOOL” in the barn. ANDI’M SHOWERED!!! – And as I chipped and chopped (and my left arm went all painful… ulnar again, no doubt) Jack Malone strolled by and called across the road “There you go again, making the neighbourhood look bad. You’re an inspiration!” Yes? For what? I wonder… but only for the moment. (I’m rather manic at the moment… there’s a sense of accomplishment here… not to mention, being able to listen to the music at full volume and being out in the air… SHIT! Being out of the house and away from trying to be quiet and not disturb anybody…) And so, I continued for about 3 hours or more and there’s PAVEMENT! – Gena came by and gave me the mail for the house. Yes, I brought it in, and left it on the stairs IN-SIDE. And the look I got from Jester! As if it wanted to shout “What? You’re going to leave it THERE? and NOT bring it into the kitchen to hand to US?” MAUDIT! MAUDIT! MAUDIT! ANYway…. I went right back out to work on the ice and listen to my music and enjoy the rest of the time… away. – Bob came up as I was working. He got the mail (that he didn’t bother to get yesterday), made a comment about being fed-up with Winter. I told him that I’d taken today’s mail from Gena… and… he went into the house… to eat… the dinner that her Ladyship and Jester had prepared… for 3… not 4. (I saw the pot they were cooking in… for 3. AT LAST! I don’t have to lie when asked “Are ya hungry?”) (Me? I’m just having my Ramen with butter and bread in my mug. Makes for more “consistency”… thicker… richer… dumb but food.) – And again today, I should have gone into St. Albans because it’s 18.27 and there’s been only clouds all day… and the temperature would have been a delight to travel in. FUCK ME! Oh well… I can HOPE the threatened storm will pass either North or South and not AT here tomorrow. If not? FUCK ME! And that’s that. – So… I’m eating, I’ve showered, the pavement is cleared, and… I believe I just might enjoy a beer this evening before going to bed (early, I should think since I’m in my jammies already because I couldn’t think of anything to wear after the shower… and hopefully there’ll be some time to chat with… VIV! this evening. Hopefully.) –

Thu.20.Mar: FIRST BLOODY DAY OF SPRING MY BLEATING ARSE!!!
7.17 16° in this room this morning… this rather dark morning. This morning, at midnight (yes, I was still awake, fuck me, making PQ memes and a FB “page”) SNOW! The LARGE flakes came pouring down! SNOW! This morning? SNOW! Not too much of it, not the ice and sleet and hail and shit that was predicted. But enough to make it so that a trip into St. Albans on the bike is impossible, a walk might be a bit insane. (But I’m thinking of trying to head into Richford… if the precip stops!) Tomorrow is going to be HELL! But… it’s like the attacks of diarrhoea we get from time to time… one cant have perfectly wonderful all of the time. – 7.36 Guts are twisted this morning. Just up from a smoke and as I walked out of the room, across the hall, the blips of the mobile phone. Jester is at it again. And I realised something: I try to be as quiet as possible, leaving and entering the room and all the while, Jester makes no effort at being quiet. I’m the fool. Although, being quiet is something I do anyway. It’s the old “PTSD”… shit… I had it LONG before it had a title. THEN, the thought hit me: It MUST be “organic” with that one. Yes, there MUST be a degree of some kind of “clinical”, perhaps “organic” retardation. MUST! In all likelihood, it can’t possibly be “social” (or… anti-social)behavioural. Not that it makes the situation much easier to accept or deal with, but it does put it all into a different perspective. Ah hah! – And, this morning, at this hour, I would like, very much, to get out there and clear the pavement (again), even as the very wet snow continues, but I don’t believe I dare to because the sound of the shovel on the concrete might be disturbing. Therefore, I have to wait until the house is awake before doing much of anything. Imagine that… starting a day’s work… NOT before NOON! What a fuckall. Oh well…. – 13.04 And just getting dressed for the day. There really isn’t any reason for it, The day is wet… but the pavement is CLEAR! And to me, that’s important. Now… may THIS be the weather all through the night and into the evening tomorrow… please!!!!! – 17.08 Imagine… Bob comes in at about 15.00… suddenly, at about 16.20 he asks if I have to go into St. Albans! The CU is closed, I need cash, but I need FOOD as well… coffee and such. Do I need to go into St. Albans? Yes… but not at this hour. So I said no. Oh well… What would be appreciated is if we could figure a way (at no inconvenience to the house, of course) for me to get to and from E. Fairfield tomorrow. (Right now, the weather is just grey, the road is actually dry and the temperature isn’t all too cold. If it would stay this way through tomorrow evening… but I ask for entirely too much…) – However, it did give me a few moments to 10z. Nothing super, but it was functional more than anything else. And I got the room garbage bagged. So… I’ll now go to the store (KILL ME!) and get something to eat (now that I don’t have to HIDE anything). That should be rather nice… ish. – 23.10 Night-night tea is steeping. Just up from the last smoke of the day… and a good splashing of WD40 to the bike for tomorrow. There’s a hefty snow falling out there which means extra time for the travel. AND… a wonderful couple of hours on the texting with VIV! THAT makes the world all the better for everything. It truly does. And I’ve eaten… 3 franks with mustard… on regular rolls… and crisps. A couple of chocolate grahams after. And the package of grahams was only 1,98$! They’ve been 3$ and something all along! Fucktard thieves over there! Really! But hey! All’s well tonight. – Didn’t bother with “30 Vies” tonight… just wasn’t all into it for some reason. But I had the time with VIV instead! YAY! – At about 21.00, I’d gone down for a smoke and Dixie was very animated about going out so I brought her. Poor thing! She’d been fed and had to shit! But nobody seems to bother about that with any of the dogs. I’m thankful that I got the chance to let her out. What, I wonder… will happen when I’m gone (may that be soon)? But then… that’s how it is with me and my “life”: I’m where I’m needed and once no loner needed, it’s time to move along. (And that move-along time has come…) I can’t stay because of things. – And tonight, again, I could truly injure myself. To think… 1100$ given to this house, that was neither terribly needed nor very much appreciated. I SHOULD have kept it and gotten a car! Tonight, the snow is coming down heavily, there are warnings and such on the weather reports. This is supposed to stop by about 10.00 tomorrow morning but the accumulations are back up to about 7 inches in the forecast! This is going to make for rough travel on the bike. Not so much the biking but the muck that gets kicked up on my back. I’ll be a mess when I get to work. AND… I don’t know if I’m to be there all day or just for a while. If I’m there until close at 16.30, chanced are, I won’t get back into the house until about 19.30 or so. And tomorrow, I’m at work here in town. Yes… it’s going to be an interesting day… and week-end… and week to come. I note: I’m rather intrigued that an offer of some kind wasn’t made to at least pick me up from or get me to the PO in E.Fairfield tomorrow. But I still believe, very deeply (and I give that all the credibility that I can) that there was some kind of shitty-hissy-fit made about getting me to and from places. I DO believe with my “all” that her Ladyship scolded B. about it. Oh well… This is to be expected. At least they got their rent money… too much more than it should have been, considering no heat and limited laundry and showers (I wanted to take one before bed tonight but it’s too late for that… in spite of the fact that when I came up from this smoke, Jester had just taken a dump, flushed the toilet… and the door to the loo was open. Even MORE to let me know that I’m not “part” of anything here. After all… they all “know” each-other… VERY VERY WELL indeed. I wasn’t “part” of anything here before, not during and never will be. But… the barn is better for my presence, as is Daisy’s garden (which most likely won’t ever be put back into use anyway). The yard looked great and the ice has been removed from the front pavement making it easier for “them” to get in an out. I’ve done good work here… time to move along. – I have to stitch a glove tomorrow before leaving and the left one has a strange… no wait… IMAGINE THIS!!!! I’D LOST ONE OF THE PAIR THAT I’D ORIGINALLY BOUGHT AND THE LOST ONE WAS THE “RIGHT-HAND”! THE ONE THAT HAS A STRANGE ODOUR AND NEEDS REPAIR ON THE SECOND PAIR IS THE “LEFT-HAND” GLOVE AND THAT’S THE ONE THAT I KEPT FROM THE PREVIOUS PAIR!!! IMAGINE THIS! I SAVED THAT ONE GLOVE… I’LL NEVER KNOW WHY… BUT TONIGHT? IT SAVED ME! WELL! INDEED! ONCE AGAIN… LIFE! WHAT AN AMAZING THING! IT MAKES ME WONDER… IT TRULY DOES. That, and the fact that I truly needed to get food for tonight so that I have the energy to make this trip tomorrow and, of all things, “they” had to go out for a few hours. And with that time, I went next door, got FOOD and ATE! GREAT THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TODAY… so of course… the snows come to “balance” the GOOD. There can never be simply GOOD… there must be “balance”. STILL… THIS IS RATHER AMAZING TO ME. AND… I’M APPRECIATIVE. – And so, on this note, I shall post these 2 pages to the Journal before going to sleep and with the tea, I should sleep rather well. It’s warm(ish) in the room tonight too. There are plenty of blankets on the bed, the heated mattress pad is on. I will be warm enough in my sleep. AND, THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ALL THAT IS “ALL”… VIV IS BACK!!! VIV!!! AND SHE’S OK! AND WE CHAT! And there really is nothing much more that I could ask for… especially since she’s no longer DAYS away. I’m GOOD!

Fri:21.Mar:
To Lorts:
7.17 in the moaning and the snow’s still a-falling (which is good, because it it wasn’t fallin’ it’d’ be risin’ and that would cause serious concern, I’m a little sure).

Next one tells me “It’s SPRING” gets my well-glued boot right up the… hello.

So the snow puts a bit of a change in plans into the morning here. Indeedie, I expected it to stop at some point during the night. But we all know how expectations can sometimes go, so…

The roads to East Fairfield are mostly the kind that don’t get well-traveled even in the Summer season (you know “Summer”… those last 2 weeks in the month of August), so the chances are that they won’t be cleared or plowed. Not exactly the bestest for bikes (none too good for pieds neither, I’d suspect but…) so I’ll be a-hoofin’ this trip into town this morning. According to Giggle maps, it’s 32,8km and, on the velo it’s a 2-hour ride (for an 18-year old with legs of steel, I presume), but simply strutting along on the feets, according to Giggle, it’s 6,5 hours. SO! That said, I’ll be out of here in about an hour or so.

If I’ll be working through to closing time at the Postal Office today, I won’t get out until 4:430pm. Add that 6hr30min for travel and it looks like I’ll be getting back to the house at something round 11:00pm SSssoooooo…..

Just wanted to let you know that I doubt, ever so very much that I’ll be on Skype this evening. Will probably get in, try for a nap. I have to be at “my” Postal Office for work at 7:00am on Saturday so a quickie nap will be called-for tonight.

Anyway… it’s going for 7:30, the house is calm. Jester’s where Jester usually is… under the covers across the hall. Her Ladyship is lounging on the lounge in the parlour, picking nose and iPhone. So I’m off to hike my body temperature in a hot shower… good way to begin before dressing, and heading out the door.

The weather report that just last night said that this was supposed to end by 10:00am has changed its mind… this snow is supposed to continue through Saturday. Welcome back to the “North Country”. eh?

Maybe I see you on the Skype on Saturday evening then? If anything, I’ll post a message there when I can.

Take excellent care of you!!!! Eat well, plenty of fluids and all that, and I shall “see” you soonly….

Meanwhile, sending all sorts of LOVE LOVE LOVE to you!!! Always, always, always and for-ever…

Moé (Little Nanuk)
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NOAA
Hazardous Weather Outlook
HAZARDOUS WEATHER OUTLOOK
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE BURLINGTON VT
317 AM EDT FRI MAR 21 2014

NYZ026>031-034-035-087-VTZ001>012-016>019-221000-
NORTHERN ST. LAWRENCE-NORTHERN FRANKLIN-EASTERN CLINTON-
SOUTHEASTERN ST. LAWRENCE-SOUTHERN FRANKLIN-WESTERN CLINTON-
WESTERN ESSEX-EASTERN ESSEX-SOUTHWESTERN ST. LAWRENCE-GRAND ISLE-
WESTERN FRANKLIN-ORLEANS-ESSEX-WESTERN CHITTENDEN-LAMOILLE-CALEDONIA-
WASHINGTON-WESTERN ADDISON-ORANGE-WESTERN RUTLAND-WINDSOR-
EASTERN FRANKLIN-EASTERN CHITTENDEN-EASTERN ADDISON-EASTERN RUTLAND-
317 AM EDT FRI MAR 21 2014

THIS HAZARDOUS WEATHER OUTLOOK IS FOR NORTHERN NEW YORK…CENTRAL
VERMONT…NORTHEAST VERMONT…NORTHWEST VERMONT AND SOUTHERN
VERMONT.

.DAY ONE…TODAY AND TONIGHT.

A CLIPPER SYSTEM IS EXPECTED TO BRING A WIDESPREAD 2 TO 5 INCH
SNOWFALL TO THE NORTH COUNTRY. SNOW WILL BEGIN AFTER MIDNIGHT
TONIGHT ACROSS NORTHERN NEW YORK…AND SPREAD ACROSS VERMONT
TOWARD DAYBREAK SATURDAY. SNOW WILL BE HEAVIEST IN MOST LOCATIONS
AFTER DAYBREAK SATURDAY AND THROUGH THE REMAINDER OF SATURDAY
MORNING INTO THE EARLY AFTERNOON HOURS BEFORE ENDING FROM WEST TO
EAST. BRIEFLY MODERATE SNOW DURING SATURDAY MORNING WILL LIKELY
RESULT IN SLOW TRAVEL OWING TO SNOW COVERED ROADWAYS AND LOW
VISIBILITY. THOSE PLANNING TO TRAVEL SHOULD ALLOW EXTRA TIME TO
REACH THEIR DESTINATION.

.DAYS TWO THROUGH SEVEN…SATURDAY THROUGH THURSDAY.

LIGHT TO MODERATE SNOWFALL ACCUMULATIONS ARE EXPECTED SATURDAY
MORNING (REFER TO DISCUSSION ABOVE). OTHERWISE…HAZARDOUS WEATHER
IS NOT EXPECTED.

.SPOTTER INFORMATION STATEMENT…

SPOTTER ACTIVATION IS NOT EXPECTED AT THIS TIME.

$$

BANACOS

Special Weather Statement
SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE BURLINGTON VT
552 AM EDT FRI MAR 21 2014

VTZ003-006-008-016>018-211300-
ORLEANS-LAMOILLE-WASHINGTON-EASTERN FRANKLIN-EASTERN CHITTENDEN-
EASTERN ADDISON-
INCLUDING THE CITIES OF…NEWPORT…JOHNSON…STOWE…
MONTPELIER…ENOSBURG FALLS…RICHFORD…UNDERHILL…BRISTOL…
RIPTON
552 AM EDT FRI MAR 21 2014

…HAZARDOUS TRAVEL FROM SNOWFALL ACROSS PORTIONS OF NORTH CENTRAL VERMONT…

UPSLOPE SNOW SHOWERS CONTINUE ACROSS EASTERN PORTIONS OF
FRANKLIN…CHITTENDEN AND ADDISON COUNTIES AS WELL AS MOST OF
ORLEANS…LAMOILLE AND WASHINGTON COUNTIES IN VERMONT. SNOWFALL
MAY BE MODERATE TO HEAVY AT TIMES ALONG THE WESTERN SLOPES OF THE
GREEN MOUNTAINS. SLICK ROADS AND REDUCED VISIBILITIES WILL CAUSE
TRAVEL TO BE HAZARDOUS DURING THE MORNING COMMUTE…AT LEAST
THROUGH 9 AM. TRAVELERS SHOULD USE CAUTION IF ON AREA ROADWAYS
AND ALLOW EXTRA TIME TO REACH YOUR DESTINATION.

$$

*****************************************
Friday 21 Mar:
19.55 And at the computer, VIV on Skype, I’m fresh out of the SHOWER, and a coffee made. I
I ACTUALLY WALKED THE DISTANCE TO THE E. FAIRFIELD PO! YES… 6 HOURS!

Door-to-door
20,4 mi – 32,8 km
6hr 29 min foot
2 hr 5min bike

Seriously? What the fuck was I supposed to do? There was no choice… NO CHOICE at all at this point! I looked out the window… no car. Just a bare spot on the road where the car had been. As for the rest of the road? SNOW! The forecast was for clearing and sun by 10.00, but at this moment, there was no sign of an clearing. And what was relatively “clear” on the road was WET! There was no sense in trying to wait for the sun, and having to bike through the wet and slush. SO…I headed down for a quick smoke. Lyle was in the living-room, on the sofa, right where he was last night when I went up to bed. I didn’t say anything. There was nothing to be said. – By about 8.00, I was in the shower… a HOT shower, to build body heat for when I got dressed and, of course, to start the day “fresh”. Immediately after, I bolted for the room to dress, keeping the body heat in, and quickly, I was done and heading down the stairs to leave. – Stopped by the living-room to say “Good morning” and to make it known that I was heading out… ON FOOT… to E. Fairfield. The response? “Today? If Bob had known, he could have had me drive him to work and I could have driven you there.” Bob knew! But there was no sense in pointing that out; not at this moment. So, I merely said, calmly “Well, I have no choice now. I have to get the keys and such. And I’m supposed to be there by 2:00. Google says it should take me 6 hours to make the walk.” “Oh, at least, with all the hills.” And I was out… – The temperature was about plus 1 already so the cold wasn’t an issue, but the roads really were a mess. I wore the black boots… the ones I’d hand-sewn back together. I actually took some pride in knowing that I’d repaired them myself… by hand. And I was rather happy that I had them. I have so little of anything left any more. But what I DO have, I have because of ME! Therefore… fuck the world (or: FTW as it’s said these days). And I DO believe with my “ALL” that, of ALL the people on Earth, I am one of the very, VERY few who have the ultimate right to this attitude. – Music playing in the iPod, I have to say that the toughest part of any trip out of this town is… getting out of this town. That stretch going down the 120 is miserable. The wind was blowing! The usual snow-drifts so bad that, again, as before, by Skunks Misery, there were white-outs. The wind was cold, but thankfully, there wasn’t as much snow drifting and blowing as there’d been the last time I took that walk. So along the road I went. Oddly, there were some rather clear spots along the way. But not enough to have made the bike a viable option. – When, at last, I crossed the 105 onto the Kane Rd., the journey became “interesting”. I’ve never been down that road. WOW! There’s a nice bridge that runs across the Missisquoi, and that was FROZEN SOLID and covered with snow. I’d like to see that when it’s thawed. I thought of what a shame it’s been that I’ve been down there, on the Trail, and never took the time to simply go to the river. Put that on the “Things To Do” list. But the road is, with the exception of a few houses, really rather desolate as it heads up to the E. Sheldon Rd. And the wind was blowing in from the West this morning. Along the Kane Rd. that was fine because it was coming in from my right. But then came the turn onto the E. Sheldon Rd… and I was walking toward the West and INTO the wind! Not only did I have the wind and snow blowing directly AT me and into my face… the drifts were covering what was solid ice… packed snow and SOLID ICE UNDER THE SNOW DRIFTS! As I walked along, I began slipping a bit and there really was no place to go to get away from it in spots. Well, as Fate would have it… yes, indeed… I SLIPPED AND HIT THE GROUND… (just about at Boyle’s place… not that that means anything in particular, but it’d a reference point for the event). Fortunately, I went down rather side-ways, onto my legs and not my back. I was down and back up in a relatively short moment. But it shook me a bit. That’s about all it did. So I got back up and continued along, wind in the face and trying to remember the directions that I had on the lap-top but not with me. The route was rather straight-forward for most of the way, but there were a few twists in Sheldon and I couldn’t really recall them just at the moments when I needed to. But, me, being me, I just plodded along… and at this point, that’s just what I was doing… plodding. – The E. Sheldon Rd. becomes the Pleasant St. and that runs into the Bridge St. I recalled those names from the on-line map. So I simply kept walking, not really certain that I was going along the correct route, but not really caring at this point when.. AT LAST! I got into Sheldon-proper and passed by the Sheldon Market… a dumpy little place (as is much of Sheldon… which disappointed me a bit.) I needed smokes anyway, and I needed something to eat for a bit of energy and something to drink So I stopped in for Milky Way, Hershey’s bar, small (and I mean SMALL) bottle of Coke (at 1,19$!) and a pack of smokes… 13,00 bloody-fucking dollars! SHIT! Most of my cash is now GONE! But… again… no choice. i asked about directions, told the strange woman behind the counter were I was headed. She said “Easy! Just head up the road…” etc. I looked at the clock… 12.15! I was half through my 6-hour travel! (According the Ggl map, 8,6miles which, by car, would have take 16 minutes… by bike, 48 minutes… on foot, 2 hours and 50 minutes… well, I was about on the schedule.) I’d built up enough body heat so I was travelling along now with the jacket open and hoods off. And so, with-out really taking any sort of break, I was out of the store and on the road again. Up to the North Rd. and into Fairfield. – The North Rd. is truly rather desolate… flat, open spaces, not many houses or buildings, not much of a shoulder to speak of. And at one point, a truck came by, sped through a bit of slush on the road and I got hit in the face with the murky mist! The front of the jacket was spotted, and I could feel the grit on my face, saw the spray on the soda bottle in the jacket pocket! Oh, what a delight! But at this point in the journey. It made little difference to me at all. I was warm enough, but was already getting tired of all the walking. – At Fairfield Centre… for all that name is worth… an intersection in the road, mostly, I made my first error… I was supposed to make the right turn onto the 36 but there are no signs down that way… no signs telling one where one is, nor which way to turn to get to any road, nor are there many signs telling which road one is on! The North Rd. becomes the South Rd. at this point and for some reason, I headed directly across the intersection and onto the South Rd… but… when I crossed, there is a library… I had to pee and wanted to ask directions, so I walked up to the door. A woman was coming out of the library and I asked. She said the PO was just to the right, off the intersection. YES! I should have made the right turn! But I was relieved that I’d found out soon enough to correct, AND yes, she offered me a lift… TO THE FAIRFIELD PO… NOT THE E. FAIRFIELD PO! And yes, the FAIRFIELD PO was just off the intersection, and yes, I did get a lift, which, although not to the destination I needed, did make up for the time lost by my mistake. – 14,4 miles into my journey… 4 hours, 50 minutes along… according to the Ggl. – (looking at the map now, I see that taking the South Rd. would have put me into the middle of absolute NOTHING and NO-WHERE! SHIT! THAT WAS A CLOSE TO DISASTRE!) – So, I was back on the road and moving along. Each turn in the road made me hope that the town/village would be right there. But it wasn’t. Then, at a turn in the road, about 3 miles out of town, in the middle of nothing, the phone rang! The brightness on the phone has always been turned to minimum and my glasses (my fucking eyes!) were in the back-pack so by the time I got the phone and tried to fumble through the shit to answer… lost the call. Somehow I got voice mail. 14.42… Aline. She wanted to know where I was. She was under the impression that I was expected to work today. Ryan had phoned to ask where I was! I rang her back and told her that I’d been walking all day and was just out-side the town. One might think she’d be impressed that I ‘m responsible enough to walk that distance, but no. Of course not. She said I should have phoned her and that she would have driven me in on her break. Well, I didn’t, she didn’t, it didn’t happen that way and I was just out-side town and would be in the PO in a while. Truth was, I had no idea it was already that late and at the rate I was going, I would have only just barely made it to the PO before it closed. But… there was nothing that I could do at this point but to keep walking. She said she’d phone Ryan and tell him. Fine… I continued to walk. Just down the road, 2 old guys were checking a car that wouldn’t start. I stopped to ask how far from town I was. One guy told me “Just about 3 miles” (as I see it on the map as I’m checking here). When I told them my little “saga”, one guy said, “Hang on. I’ll get my keys. I’ll drive you in.” HEY! TIME! I could make it on time now! And so, he did! And yes, I was quite a distance from the PO and I was SO much MORE than APPRECIATIVE for the lift… even at this point along the way! – Well, well… WELL!!! MADE IT! Just about 13.15! But I made it! – The office is amazing! A “typically” small, rural, “Vermont” PO! Ryan is rather young, and greeted me warmly. Told me that Aline told him that I’d walked and he was rather impressed that I had that much dedication, to actually WALK all that distance for this! We spent a bit of time with a brief, but sufficient “tour” of the office. We chatted a bit. He asked if I needed a ride back. And me, in my delusional state of fatigue and such said “I don’t really NEED a ride but I’d appreciate one.” (The ride didn’t come… from Ryan.) I caught myself… babbling. I had the key, had the “orientation”. But I was babbling! I don’t know why, but I was. And I continued to do so until about 16.15! I still don’t know why the babbling just kept going. I suppose I was trying to prolong the time there and postpone the moment when I’d have to get back on the road. But… at 16.15 I did leave, with the keys to the place on my “lanyard” and… on the road. The sun was shining, the roads were dry and had I taken the bike, it would have been a rather delightful sort of travel weather. But it was on foot… sore foot at this point. My feet and legs were beginning to “give”. So, I decided to thumb it for a while… – Just out-side E.Fairfield, somebody DID stop to give me a lift. He was going into St. Albans, which would have been an OK destination because from there, I could have hitched the trip along the 105. But, in retrospect, I’m rather glad I didn’t do that because the distance would have been about the same as from Fairfield and I’d’ve been no closer to being back at the house anyway. Oddly, this guy asked me where Franklin is… “I know it’s all the way the fukkup North!” he said. It’s interesting… to think that people HERE… which is, for all intents and purposes… “All the way the fukup North” to begin with, have no idea as to what’s actually a 30-minute drive from where they are. But anyway… As we got to the intersection of the 36/North Rd/South Rd, the phone rang!!! Bob! I thanked the guy for the lift and grabbed the call. “Where are you? I’m sorry. I completely forgot that you had to go today.” Hey! At this point, I didn’t much care. The lift had taken me 5 miles, which, according to Ggl would have been 1 hour and 41 minutes to walk, so I was already almost 2 hours less on my travels AND I was determined to hitch the rest of the way as much as possible… still…) I told Bob where I was, he said he was slightly familiar with the area and that he’d come to get me. At this point I thought: Yes, you do that; drive the route I’ve just walked; see just what lengths I’ll go to to be responsible; and if it puts you out a bit, so be it; you conveniently forgot, I’ll conveniently remind. And so, I headed up the North Rd… hitching, because I figured it would take Bob at least 30 minutes to figure the way to find the road I was on (even though it’s a straight-forward route and such… I mean… if I can figure it out it can’t be THAT difficult!) – And so I did hitch a bit… but nobody stopped, and that was probably for the best. About 2 miles/45 minutes along, I see the car coming down the road and… LYLE was driving! I was rather relived, for a couple of reasons… I really didn’t want to see Bob at this point, didn’t want to hear the song-and-dance about having forgotten and, in general… just wasn’t in the mood for Bob’s shit-chat. HOW… EVER… Lyle was in a frame of mind to “talk”: it’s back to the wondering about his marriage and Bob’s short-tempered replies to everything and Lyle wondering why and wondering if the marriage is worth the effort and being concerned that, at this juncture, as he put it, he can’t afford a divorce because now… NOW… Bob’s entitled to 50% of everything… INCLUDING THE HOUSE! Me? I just let him talk. I mean… when it comes down to the line, I have a gut feeling about it all, but I know that, should I say anything, I’ll be the one to be buried in the bull-shit. So I said nothing much at all. Then came a bit about text messages between some guy (Dan) in NY and Bob and how Lyle’s taken a liking to Dan but won’t do anything about it and Dan’s other half has sent a text to Bob saying he’s going to “take care of” Lyle (meaning, putting Lyle in his place, as it were). Honestly? I don’t give a jolly fuck. This is, as I told Lyle, one of the primary reasons why I am not in a “relationship”, do not WANT to be in a “relationship”, have NO interest in being in a “relationship”, and am HAPPY that I’m NOT in a “relationship”. Meanwhile, all the while, I keep thinking: Dude? Seriously? The issue isn’t this “Dan” fellow… Your “real” trouble is living in your house! Your husband and the other resident are “interested” in each-other and you’ve brought the bear right into your bee-hive! Your “honey” is right there for the taking and you’re paying NO attention! (But again, to mention any of this will only bring ME the shit end of the stick, so… I changed the topic and we discussed music until we got to the house.) But, Lyle did “compliment” me after a fashion by saying that he’s wanted to talk with me for a while because I’m the “level-headed” one in the house. Right… Okee dokee… none of my business. But that’s the way it usually boils down… me.. the “level-headed social worker/therapist” Kindly have a seet and bugger the fuck off! Thank you and have a nice life. – Ah… the house! There was chicken-nugget-thingies and chips on the pans on the stove. It was obvious that somebody was not eating. But Lyle got to eating and insisted that I have what was there. It was a considerable amount of food but this evening? I took! Cold, with ketchup, but I took. Then, I washed my bowl and fork and headed up to the room where… I grabbed a Naprosyn and a Tylenol and headed for… the SHOWER!!! It was now about 19.00 I would have still been very much on the road at this hour but here I was, almost not believing it, but here I was, SHOWERED and in my jammies!!! I got in touch with VIV to let her know that I was back. We chatted via text for a bit, I took another Naprosyn to make sure that the muscle soreness didn’t keep me awake tonight. – 23.27 EXHAUSTED AND PAINFUL! I don’t mind recording. I won’t SAY it to anybody. But I’ll put it down here. The forecast for tonight and tomorrow is for a storm… “1 inch per hour” of snow! Well? Tomorrow is work here, at the corner, home-town PO. And tonight? I don’t give a jolly fuck… Vraiement… je m’en câlisse! about anything or anybody else. What I accomplished today is something that very few people have, do or ever will accomplish… even over a life-time. Not even worthy of a snarky invite to kiss my arse as far as I’m concerned. Rather funny though, I have to think: there are stories in the news, on the social media, of people who come running to the aid of others who are in similar but better situations than I … but me? I get jack-all-shit. But well… I do it for ME… ME alone… and the rest of the “World”? I won’t even give them the pleasure of a sarcastic “FTW”. – Tonight, I still need to get cash for some smokes. I might try to get into Richford on Sunday. (And, I might even be so bold as to ask to use the car! MIGHT! I doubt it.. but it’s a consideration for the day… now.)

Sat. 22.Mar: (TODAY RUNS INTO TOMORROW SO THIS IS A SATURDAY-SUNDAY, 22-23 MAR. ENTRY HERE…
DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA
5.22 And… here we go with another day… And… the threatened “1 inch per hour” snow has not yet arrived. Doesn’t that just figure? I’ve no-were to go and the roads area clear, s are the skies. BUGGER THE HELL RIGHT OUT OF ME! – Back to yesterday’s entry, since I never did get it done … yesterday. – (11.16 on Sunday morning… 23 Mar. Just finished the Friday entry… and now to try for a bit of catch-up for Saturday! Goodness me!) – Made it to work this morning by 7.00, as the truck was there… again. Walked into the office to find a post-it: “You have to be on time on Monday and Tuesday…” etc. OH BLOODY FUCK YOU! Find somebody else if you have so little trust and faith in somebody who would WALK 20-BLOODY-FUCKING MILES to make sure that things were attended! Franchement? My general attitude toward this place has dropped yet, another notch. I focused on the work that needed to be done, and went right into it. Chatted lightly with Sue. But I’m no longer into the “nice” bit any more. Work… that’s what I’m there for, that’s what they get. – When the day was done and the paper-work was about to be done, I rang Aline, just to tell her that it was to my understanding that I was only supposed to go to E. Fairfield to get the keys, get the run-down and leave. She still implied that I was to work the full after-noon BUT that she and Ryan “gave” me an hour. WOW! A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR! HOW WHITE OF THEM! Still, it probably covers the mileage I might get (or, might not… depending…). You know? I did it. It’s done. It’s about how *I* feel, and *I* feel accomplished, proven and (self)validated. Fuck the rest of them… plainly and… franchement. – The computer has been changed and with that, my pass-words and such, so there were delays. I was out by 12.15 but… today, I put in for the hours that I was there… yes… 7.00-12.00. Whether I get paid or not? Je m’en câlisse, they’re recorded on the time card. – Oh, as I was working, Bob came in to ask about getting a PO Box… for Jester. Imagine that! At long last. Of course, that would have meant that I’d have more work to do, to give him the box, but I gave him the information, gave him the application and change of addresse forms and such. AND… they were on their way to …. BTV! Seems Jester has some “important” mail to be fetched. Imagine THAT SHIT!!!!! Drop of a hat and they’re off to BTV… for Jester, who SHOULD have been having mail delivered up here for almost a year now… SHOULD have had the damned PO Box for almost a YEAR now. But ME? I get to walk 20-plus miles… for WORK!!! It makes me want to … truthfully?… it makes me want to simply shoot my-self in the skull. (Right after I throw a fit and puke my-self into a coma.) What a bunch of total fuktardz, this group. Not a trace of a shadow of sense in the bunch. – Well… As I left, there was snow. Not the major dump as forecast, but snow. I strolled to the house, started to log a few things on this Journal but by about 13.00 I was so damned tired.,, had a “lie-down”… until 16.00!!!!! Not that I didn’t NEED and DESERVE the rest. When I woke, I took a run to the market for something to eat and a pack of smokes… And again today, they STILL don’t have the “Blues”. I got a pack of regular. Yet another… ANOTHER reason I hate this place! And so, that done, back to the room to… VIV!!!!! On Skype! – Well the day went along, chatting with VIV! I had 2 franks before the chat… franks un-cooked, on a roll each… mustard. HUNGRY! and then on to the chat for most of the remainder of the day. But… this was not to be a peaceful evening… and… as it turned-out, today, the “shoes drop”, the shit hits the fan, the truth is set free and all Hell breaks lose… along with the “landlords” showing EXACTLY what they truly ARE made of… and it ain’t pretty… – I’m just going to leave the notes and such that I’ve already recorded, as they are…. it’s a bit “combined” but it makes enough sense to make sense out of this whole thing. Besides, it’s noon on Sunday and I’m going for a bit of a snooze… just a snooze! The sun is coming out and the temperatures are above freezing. I MIGHT still want to try for a bolt to Richford… I’ll know better after the snooze…

………. AND ………

Sun.23.Mar: WELL! Its now 1.09 on Sunday morning… at about 23.00 or so, the State cops came to the house accompanied by (I think) an ambulance and… they hauled Randy away. Detox and psych eval. most likely. This is just a load of shit, all told. Randy wouldn’t go with me to where-ever. He refused to leave the house. The whole threat of suicide was a ploy, He spat the meds back into the bottle. Lyle had already phoned the police. As I’m to understand it, something about R. being “in love with” B. came out. L. told R. that he has to get out of the house now, tonight. R. tells me that the original intention for him moving here was to hook he and I together. But, it turned out that he and B. have fallen in love with each-other…. Lyle now being in the way. Ah… when the cops arrived, Bob describes Randy as “a room-mate and friend”… nobody’s saying anything about who’s paying rent here and as I told R. there’s a glitch in all of this because legally, Lyle has to evict, and can’t just toss. As Viv and I know… an eviction would put Lyle in a position where-by he’d have a LOT of re-paying of disability benefits, not to mention Medicaid/care fraud. And the shit piles deeper and deeper yet. And if I were the type, I could pile my own shit onto this heap and could probably be here, in this house, in much better atmosphere. But… I’m not wired for that kind of nonsense… although, as I think about it and the calibre of people I’m surrounded by… that just might be the way to go… to simply point out that, should I be pulled into anything more, I’ll simply toddle my way into the nearest Social Services office and throw myself at their mercy and ask for help in finding housing and such else-where … which would mean I’d have to report having been here for almost a year, AND the money orders AND the money transfers into THEIR account… and there will be a LOT of explaining to be done… in the very near future. HEY! Maybe this is the lesson I’m suppose to learn: To Treat Others As They Treat Me! ANNNNyyy way…. – 1.21 I”m in bed. Chica is on the step, mourning. Bob, Lyle and Dan are getting smashed in the kitchen. I just came up from my last smoke. And I’ve had more than my share of this shit. I need to bolt… and very quickly. Time to get the fuck out! Away. I don’t understand: I live ever so calmly, quietly, sedate… and yet, chaos and trauma surround me. It finds me, no matter where I go. This situation could be a script for a poorly planned and starvingly under-funded film. But it’s reality… and it’s miserable. And I don’t deserve this. And I have to take control… even if I have to throw myself at somebody… and that’s probably where this is going. And oh, how delightful… I have to work on Monday and Tuesday… and the month is coming to a close… And April tends to start “Spring”… “warmer weather” in the Social Services. The time where they’re less sympathetic, having been drained through the cold season. But… there are things that can and must be done. And I can and must see to them… NOW… not later… now. I know this is only going to get worse. And I see that Randy will be discharged from something somewhere… back to here. And there’s no good to come from it. – And Lyle actually told me that he’d threatened to strangle Chica. Imagine that? I’ve written about my dislike for the creature. I’ve also written that the “fault” and “blame” are not on the dog… But to say such a thing… and I believe with my all that yes, Lyle would harm that poor little thing… the poor little creature that sits on the step, looking out the door, waiting for the only love it has, the only “pack” the only “life” it has to return… and that’s not going to happen… for days now. And Randy needs to be kicked very hard in the head, because, at this juncture, it’s nothing but his own selfishness. – Radio Canada on the radio, to drown what-ever is spoken down-stairs. I can hear the voices down there. I can’t hear the words. I don’t want to. I won’t become involved in this. – And now, I’ll just hope the 2 beers and the Nighty-Night tea take hold and I’ll just drift off and get some sleep. – I’m hoping for some reasonably fair weather today. I’d like to get to Enosbrgh to the market. Soon, I need to get to the CU for some cash… smokes. Tough times are coming. But… they’ll be my tough times… of my own. – HOW? does this all come to me and HOW am I going to get out of them… NOW? – 1.49 I’m still catching up with Friday’s adventure… and Dan just drove away… back to Plattsburgh at this hour? And after doing shots? And there’s snow on the road? Franchement, I don’t blame him in the least. I wouldn’t want to stay here either. But now I wonder how the “house” will “settle” tonight. And me, in this room… and nobody else in the place. Randy was a sort of “diversion” for the other 2. OH KENDALL…. “the plot thickens”. (Where the fuck are those guys these days? I wonder.) – VIV came back on Skype to send me a message as I was typing here. We chatted a bit, video-chat, about the situation. I suppose the best way to describe would be to include the texts we’d sent: ( I believe the post-time for the “calls” is 4 hours ahead, GMT… yes, that looks about right because there’s a “call” registered at 3.00-something which would put it at 23.00-something local… which looks to be right):

[2014-03-22 17:00:05] V: Halloo (wave) how are you??? Shovelling I suppose??
[2014-03-22 18:23:28] LN: Hilloooooo….. I’ll be back in a bit. I just have to run for (smoke)s
[2014-03-22 18:23:41] LN: (smoking) s
[2014-03-22 18:23:51] LN: (Oh… have to put a space in there….
[2014-03-22 18:42:22] V: yes you du
[2014-03-22 18:45:13] V: (wave)
[2014-03-22 18:45:13] LN: OKAY then now here you there. SO… have you ahd the most productive day ever? (or what?)
[2014-03-22 18:45:29] V: (rofl)
[2014-03-22 18:45:40] V: im still in jammies
[2014-03-22 18:46:14] LN: Yeah… I went to work, got back to and empty house, tried to stay awake but had a “lie-down” at 1.00… until 4!
[2014-03-22 18:46:52] LN: As I’m to understand it: we’re in for quite a rather “interesting” evening, this one….
[2014-03-22 18:47:25] V: tired huh gotta get to bed earlier
[2014-03-22 18:48:30] V: im presently scoffing a bit o dinner for meds porpoises then i have to move the car while the snow is still soft ish
[2014-03-22 18:50:21] LN: Barndy came to the door earlier… to invite me across the hall to get drunk. Seems there’s someone coming over “from NY” (I luv that… from NY shit) (Plattsburgh) for dinner and… “play”. UNfortunately, it seems, this person is “only interested in Bob”! SO!.. Brandy is pissed because, well, you and I have discussed this a touch AND… Ms.L. is here… SO… Brandy has locked “him”self in his room (with a chair against the door (rofl) ) and has a bottle of Jack Daniels, Jaegermeister and some other “J” booze… and pain meds…
[2014-03-22 18:51:37] LN: Ms.L is on the sofa in the parlour, all dressed spiffy. Dinner is heating on the stove (and I was actually INVITED to dine with… Ms.L., Booby and the “guest”. (I’ve declined… thank you (bow)and your welcome).
[2014-03-22 18:51:46] V: what a frikken drama queen!!! i can t use the puker i m eating and i might ruin this laptop by barfing all over it!!!!
[2014-03-22 18:52:14] LN: Oh, no barfing!!!!! I hear it’s not good for the key-board. :
[2014-03-22 18:52:21] LN: :)
[2014-03-22 18:52:25] V: indeed
[2014-03-22 18:52:51] V: (shake) Brandy is coo coo
[2014-03-22 18:54:50] LN: BUT… I managed toget a good night’s sleep last night, woke freshlyish and put in an hour extra at work. Found a snarky note saying that I “must be on time Monday and Tuesday”. (I proceeded, after closing, to notify the “boss-lady” that I was NOT expected to work yesterday and that I doubt she or anybody else will find somebody who’ll WALK 20 miles for the sake of work and if she can, then perhaps she’d be more comfortable with someone else.)
[2014-03-22 18:54:58] V: did he throw a fit? make a scene ………. whatever you want to call it
[2014-03-22 18:55:18] LN: Fit? Oh… Brandy? or Ms.L.?
[2014-03-22 18:55:44] V: bb
[2014-03-22 18:58:54] LN: Brandy’s just wallowing, alone in his room. Lyle? I have NO idea what’s going to happen there. But yesterday, this “guest” was the cause for the need to “talk”. Seems – as I’m to understand, this “guest” is in a relationship AND “guest’s” “other half” is rather pissed because this Vermont trist thing is known AND the “other half” has told Booby that he (the other half) will come to VT to “take care of Lyle”… meaning… put Lyle in his place for some reason. OH! DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! Me? I just chalk this up to “typical” behaviour and am not getting involved.
[2014-03-22 19:00:54] V: the makings of a garbage reality show ……. VT style!!! Geez
[2014-03-22 19:01:22] V: i’m working on a name …………………… (think)
[2014-03-22 19:01:27] LN: Meanwhile… and other-wise… I TOLD YOU WE’RE NOT ON THE CANADIAN BORDER! Weather said the storm was going to dump all that snow on states on the Canadian border. We only got a bit of snow and not much… Ah… it’s nice being on the “Quebec” border and not the Canadian border.
[2014-03-22 19:01:58] LN: (Suggested name: Very Tired… VT… Very Tired)
[2014-03-22 19:02:16] V: well, i’m obviously on the Cdn border!!!!!
[2014-03-22 19:02:26] V: no no
[2014-03-22 19:02:43] LN: Leurs vies… c’est de la MAAAAAAAARDDDDE?
[2014-03-22 19:02:59] V: Sissy Hissy His-stericals VT style
[2014-03-22 19:03:33] LN: YOU got a LOT of snow there didja?
[2014-03-22 19:04:10] V: hold on i ll show you the car …………… abandoned by the neighbours ………….
[2014-03-22 19:04:18] *** Appel de V ***
[2014-03-22 19:43:11] V: :x
[2014-03-22 20:17:17] V: (envy)
[2014-03-22 20:18:07] V: (beer)
[2014-03-22 20:18:21] V: (pi)
[2014-03-22 20:22:37] LN: V Mole Ass L?
[2014-03-22 20:23:31] V: :P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P
[2014-03-22 20:23:53] LN: V Mole (moon) L?
[2014-03-22 20:24:04] LN: (mooning)
[2014-03-22 20:24:07] V: (lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)(lalala)
[2014-03-22 20:24:21] V: (flex)
[2014-03-22 20:25:42] LN: (finger)
[2014-03-22 20:26:05] V: (finger)
[2014-03-22 20:26:20] LN: (sheep)
[2014-03-22 20:26:33] V: [22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)[22 mars 2014 20:26] V:
<<< (finger)
[2014-03-22 20:27:12] V: (sheep)
[2014-03-22 20:27:23] V: (sheep)
[2014-03-22 21:13:45] LN: Brandy is pulling the "I'm leaving!" bullshit and Lyle jsut told me "I'm at the end of my rope. He's pulled this shit too many times." (They're all out front… paffed… having a shit-chat… VOYONS! Eh?
[2014-03-22 21:30:23] LN: (lalala)
[2014-03-22 21:38:00] LN: Lyle told me: If he pulls this one more time, he's liable to find himself bounding down the double yellow line. (rofl)
[2014-03-22 21:39:00] LN: bouncing
[2014-03-22 21:39:16] LN: hkhkklbjgj u u i gj ghj j g j j hl glkjgh gjh g g,j gkjgj
[2014-03-22 21:41:32] LN: PRINCESS!
[2014-03-22 22:35:57] *** Appel terminé, durée 3:31:39 ***
-(I had a good chat this call… bringing the lap-top down to the smoker, so Viv could get to wave at the “people” and I could smoke and talk. But, during this call, at one point, round about 23.00 or so, BOB CAME TO THE DOOR TO SAY THAT RANDY WAS LEAVING (I was to learn that Lyle tossed him out! At this hour, and Bob gave him a cheque… CHEQUE!?!? for 500$ to get him out! FUCK THESE MORONS!) and to ask if I'd take the car and bring Randy to where-ever he wanted to go! ME? I SHOULD BRING RANDY TO WHERE HE WANTS TO GO? ME? HE'S YOUR LITTLE PIECE OF STUFF. YOU'RE THE REASON AND CAUSE FOR THIS BULL-SHIT! I HAVE NO PART AT ALL… NOTHING TO DO WITH IT BUT YOU'VE GOT A PIECE OF… WELL… WHAT-EVER, SITTING IN THE PARLOUR – who, by the way, looks a LOT like Bob… frighteningly so – AND I SHOULD STOP MY TALKING WITH VIV, GET DRESSED, GET INTO THE CAR AND TAKE RANDY TO WHERE HE WANTS TO GO? ME? WELL, OK THEN. THE TRUTH IS NOW EVIDENT AND THE FACT THAT THE BOTH OF YOU ARE PIECES OF UNADULTERATED SHIT IS MORE THAN BLATANTLY OBVIOUS! Viv heard the conversation and simply, quietly, into the ear-buds, said… “Go…” YEAH… I WANT TO “GO” ALRIGHT! BLOODY SELFISH FAGS! TYPICAL SELF-CENTERED, THINKING WITH YOUR DICK, FAGS.)-
[2014-03-22 23:43:11] LN: Sorry about the interrupt. Lyle rang the State police who brought the ambulance with. Brandy's en route to hospital. He didn't take the pills… he spat them back in the bottle. But… he'll be on suicide watch for at least the night. I'll be awake by about 5.30/6.00 tomorrow. I'll log back in here. I sent you 2 texts to the phone (my service won't let me make… "international" calls.. morons!). But, now the house will be quiet. Poor Chica though. My heart breaks… none of this is her fault and she actually looks like she's crying. She's not accustomed to being with-out Randy. – Ah… just more selfishness. Really. Sometimes I believe the World is a beautiful place… most people make it hideious with their selfishness.
Mum used to say: We're all here together, alone with only us. If WE can't help each-other… we're lost.
Selfishness… and in the end of it all? We all end up the exact same way… Seriously? What the fk is all the drama for? I don't understand it. But it's not mine… so I just let the actors play their roles…
My philosphy is: Life… I'm only here to observe.
I'm sad that you had to witness this. I'm annoyed the I got dragged into it AND that you had to be pulled along to an extent. But.. it's all their life, it's something they asked for… truly… and now? The inevitable has happened.
Time for me to have that tea and go for a night's snooze.
Have I told you lately that I've missed you terribly over the years? I have.
And all the while, I've sent you my Love.
I'm honoured that you're back in my life… very much so. You always were, still are, and always will be so VERY important to me… more-so than "family" and much more-so than "friends"… so-called, self-proclaimed "friends" as they've proven to be. You, to me, are a privilege… a VERY IMOPRTANT AND SPECIAL PRIVILEGE. Thank you…
[00:02:42] V: I hope Randy will be ok. This is all very terrible stuff. Drama yes but cool heads are not prevailing and it would make it a better situation. These people will have to put their cards on the table real soon.
[00:09:05] V: I'm glad he didn t take the pills though, it's not worth it. I'm not minimizing the act, because I understand the feeling. It's not what he wants, but it's also not the way to go when it's someone's attention you are seeking. As for me witnessing, it's not important.
[00:10:46] V: I'm happy he's under suicide watch, in a safe place.
[00:11:09] V: I will speak with you tomorrow.
[00:11:38] V: Hope you are sleeping snuggly!!
[00:19:55] LN: hi hi hi hi hi hi hihi
[00:20:16] *** Appel vers V : durée 48:29 ***

Meanwhile… 2.00 and the house is silent. Apparently Dan has left the building. And I'm putting the light out. Time for a quick “nap”… hopefully I'll wake by 7.00, refreshed. This night has been surreal. And I'm leaving the radio on. – 10.16 I WOKE AT 9.57!!! BLOODY HELL! Just up from the morning smoke. And.. here we go: I'd no sooner finally drifted off this morning, into a deep sleep when… BARK BARK BARK HOWL BARK HOWL THUMP THUMP THUMP BARK BARK HOWL YIP! Rumbling about the place. The wind was actually HAMMERING against the house so strongly that I could SMELL the cold coming into the room! I just laid in the bed, listening to the wind and the low rumbles and the dogs running up and down the stairs… wondering what the hell was going on. All I could think of was that one of the psycho-mutts heard something thump from the wind, started the barking and set the others off… But Dixie and Ellie went silent, and Chica kept barking and suddenly let out a bit of a yip. The rumbling went into the kitchen and my head was full of thoughts of either B. or L. grabbing Chica (or all 3 of the dogs) and putting them out of the house. What all but killed me was the thought of Chica being put out, either into the yard or even onto the back porch, and freezing to death. After what I'd witnessed here, in this house, this evening, nothing will come as a surprise any more. But, I drifted back off to sleep as everything went silent again. – This morning, I woke to a quiet house, opened my door to go to the loo and then to smoke and noticed that the blankets were turned-down on Randy's bed. Hmmmm….. I wondered but then I went for the smoke and as I got to the kitchen, there, standing beside the table was R. just as if nothing at all had ever happened last night. I don't know the particulars of the return, and I only asked “Did you get back in at about 5?” and he nodded. Chica was eating (which made me feel SO much better). So I gave her a bit of a scratch behind the ears, told her “You see? I told you it would be OK.” She gave one her little grunts and went back to eating. I went for my smoke and when I came back in, the kitchen was empty… R. and Chica were in R's room. I say nothing. None of my business, really. – Put Skype up. A MESSAGE FROM VIV! She's off on errands today and to visit with Gaetan and Daniel. But she left Skype up and running. I sent her a little up-date. Honestly… neither of us needs this shit. But I know that I have to get the fuck away from it. But for the time-being, I WILL make MY own situation “tolerable”. Not sure how, but it's about ME at this point… – Now? To go back and finish the entry for Friday! I mean… REALLY!!!! ALL I ever wanted was love and peace and harmony. And, ALL I've ever gotten is bull-shit, bull-shit and then more bull-shit. – 12.15 Almost caught-up. R. is in the room, on the computer. Little Chica is sleeping on the bed. The other 2 are still asleep. The sun is shining. The radio is still playing quietly. I have my second coffee gone cold. Have had 2 smokes, 2 trips to the loo (yesterday's “food” wasn't such a great thing… a tin of soup, a package of licorice and some choco-grahams). And now? I want a snooze… SNOOZE! – 12.48 and snooze is done… the sun is brightly shining and … I have no idea what I'll be doing from here… but the house is quiet and all are probably sleeping and … fuck it. Really… just fuck it. There are things that need to be done… I don't know what or why… but there are things… – 17.38 A wasted day, more or less. But I did get to work on the “Accountability” spread sheet for the office. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get it onto the computer! Well… in time, I suppose. – Just down for a smoke and a chat with B. Seems the hospital rang the house at 3.30 this morning and the MD requested that R. be brought back to the house. The ride back was relative silence. But no words have been exchanged. B. says there wasn’t even a “thank you” for picking him up. Well, as I said: considering what was said yesterday, this is the “awkward” period. Meanwhile… I won’t get involved. – Sent a couple of words to Viv today. No reply. I hope she’s OK. – I have to eat something but my insides are a bit “twisted” and my legs are bothering me. I wonder why… No I don’t. I’m just more concerned about tomorrow… – 22.34 I HVE TO GET TO SLEEP! – But before doing that… a note… this day was a waste! But the house remained so quiet! They slept! Imagine that! Them… sleeping. – This evening, B. dropped by the door to ask what time I have to be at work tomorrow. Doesn’t seem to bother him to drop me. And I learnt that he too gets to work 30 minutes early daily… I dropped a not to Viv (via Skype) to say good-night and mentioned that I’ll be getting up at 4.00 tomorrow and ready to hit the road anyway. (I don’t trust these people… I don’t trust anybody… save, Viv… these days. Actually, that’s not all true. I trust that every person out there is out for him/herself and that if I’m around any of them in any fashion, I’ll be beaten to little more than pulp in no time… simply because that’s the way it goes. I trust that I’m about to be dragged into last night’s bull-shit and some-how or another, I’m going to get hit in the face with it. Some-how. I trust in that. Meanwhile, truly, this day is a bust and I’m off to try for some sleep. Hopefully the fucking house will stay fucking quiet through the fucking night. (I hate that word as a repeated adjective, but I’m at the point where I don’t fucking care any fucking more. Now I wonder if this will go to “publish” or be rejected. Oh well… who the fuck gives a fucking shit? Not me… I’m looking at -7° at 4.00 and chills of -23 if I recall. And does ANYBODY on Earth give a shit? Well, Viv does. But as she said in her “Goodnight” Skype to me, I have to do what I think best… and not depending on someone else is what I think is best for me. So, on that note… LA … 22.43… lights out! –

Mon.24.Mar: 5.25 14 bloody-fucking degrees in this fucking room. I woke with the 4.00 alarm and decided that, no, if I’m screwed again this morning and not given the lift? This time I’ll be living here free… I’m cold, no heat, I have no ATM card because I paid the rent, I have no car because I paid the rent, I worked my arse off around this place for what? 300$? Put up with the bull-shit over the weekend. They ask ME to remove Randy from the house!!!!! Nah… And they’ll drive down to Burlington for R. and I get to WALK 20 MILES? I’ve had more than enough now… CHANGE… – I don’t know why, exactly, but I’m not so excited about going into this office today. For the few hours I’ll be there, I can’t see what I can screw up. And what I can’t find, I have 5 hours to look for. So? I’m just not looking forward to this… just not. Let’s hope I’m just being a little anxious… about all of it. – This lap-top is fucking about again… big time… key-board is all over the place, Internet was all slow and screwed last night. And the touch pad too, is fucky. Bugger bugger bugger PIECE OF TOSHIBA SHIT… and there’s the philosophy for this day. – On Tuesday… 21.13 IT WENT QUITE WELL I BELIEVE! There was, as the truck driver put it “A shit-load of mail!” but for a small office, I suppose it was a “shit-load” but for me, it was manageable… and, at the end of the day I was done and out by 16.30!…. All the paper-work and everything done. – I’m quite happy now that I didn’t get the job in Bakersfield… I had to ring over to there this morning with a question about the PO Boxes and that PM is a miserable sort. (This was confirmed by the driver in the office this morning and a guy named Horace who told me that the people of E.Fairfield “hated” her when she worked at the PO there. (They’re not so much fond of Ryan either… he’s “too much by the book!” said Mr. Horace. But for me? That’s wonderful! In any event… I got back to the house EHAUSTED! Had a bit of a chat with VIV, took a rather late shower tonight. But DAMN! am I ever tired… It may have only been 4 hours on the clock for “work” but the stress didn’t stop all day! (Not just from the job, but wondering if I’d be remembered after work… and the anxieties of having to WALK again!) Well… that’s this day… it went well!

Tue.25.Mar: 5.15 Woke form a Dream this morning…. disturbing:
It started with me walking with some-one in the streets of The Village, but then changed to The Bronx at some point. It was night… or just very rather dark and I was trying to take an even darker route to where-ever it was that I was going. The street some-how ended… at a set of stairs, typical of The Bronx and yet, these went into a court-yard and up to a white brick building that resembled Creston av. after a fashion. But it was as big, if not bigger than Rochambeau. HUGE! And stone stairs leading up and splitting into 2 different directions. When we (whom-ever it was with me) got inside the building I noticed that it was 2 buildings that had been joined, rather shoddily and in spite of the place looking rather well-maintained, where the buildings were joined was falling apart… it looked as if they’d been joined with plaster or joint compound. In any event, the building was separating and falling apart. One side though, was MUCH nicer than the side were were in. As if all the “money” was to the left and the miserable people lived on the right (the right being an entirely different building to begin with). I looked down to the floor and noticed a lot of papers, pieces of old paper, with something printed on them, in red ink. I picked up a few and all I read (that I can recall) was that it was an advert for some “legal” or “real estate” of some kind of thing like that. But in nice script, as was the whole thing, was a telephone number… “Kingsbirige” something or another! A rather well-dressed woman come to me and asked if she could have one of the papers. I told her “Yes. The number’s good to have.” I was thinking of the troubles they were coming into with the building crumbling as it was and them paying a hefty rent. Somehow the number had something to do with a lawyer who could help these people or get the building together… and as I looked at the number to read it… I woke.
Now.. this morning this Fucking lap-top… last night and this morning t hr erqayczhy6hytgtcx e key is stikcing. This morning, my hGDsfazderwse3sr64te544er4t4ee4tds4red4fs4WQ2 left eye is bothering me. Time to run along… smoke and shower! shit the day goes quickly, it’s already 5.21 and I NEED a shower! – 20.41 it was a rather quiet ride this morning. 3 of us in the car and little talking. Although, I commented on something about Jester and L. said “I wish Randy had a personality more like his.” I let the comment ride. – Got to the PO at about 7.00, walked in and had time to get me together quite nicely. The truck came shortly after and the mail was rather light today! I was almost through the whole bit of it when the driver came in. We chatted a bit. The bitch from Bakersfield rang to ask ME a question this morning. Imagine that. But When I had to ring Aline about something, her response was rather “removed”. I don’t care. I’m in it for the work, for the income (little as it is) and for the “good” customers who are nice to me. Period. – Was all caught up by closing this morning! It made for a rather difficult 5-hour break because there was nothing to do. I managed to get in a bit of a nap! Imagine that! And some reading… and polished my boots! I even put in my mileage for these 2 days (I should have put in for Friday as well.. but… too late… again I screw myself out of money! FUCK me!) (Had I known, I could have brought my razor and taken a much-needed shave as well!) – The afternoon? ZZZZZIP! By 16.10 I was ready with a deposit! the 1412! and the ALL! By 16.15 I had the deposit in the bag, the mail all ready to GO! And by 16.20 I was at the door… waiting… and waiting… and waiting… At 16.57 I’d put my hoods up, gotten my gloves out, dropped the office keys into the “blue box”, put my iPod in and was headed for the road… and B&L showed up. They’d left a message on my mobile voice mail (as if that works ANY-where in this fuck-hole State) to tell me that they’d be late. Ah… THEY can be late to get ME, but I can’t be late for either of them. Well… if all goes well… I was asked if I’d take Jester to the Dr. on Thursday. When I said that I’d take him out back and bury him by the brook, L. laughed and said “I SO like him.” (meaning me).I don’t know what’s going on round the house and I’m not getting into their politics and games. But… when we all got in and both Jester and I were asked if we were hungry, we both declined. (I had the other pasta-thing that turns to muck in hot water… but it was something and I was STARVING!) Then Jester comes to the closed door… “Are you busy?” No, of course not… the appointment is for FRIDAY! Oh well. I was rather hoping to get to the CU and market tomorrow… but Friday is OK too. Probably better since it’s pay-day (I believe… I’ve lost track). There’s much I need! Esp. smokes! But I figure… I’ll have the car on Friday morning and I can make my rounds. I may even try to get to St-Arman for smokes this trip! Who knows? But in any event, I WILL get to the market! Fuckall! And to Walmarde as well. – had a bit of time on Skype with Viv this evening.. But when it got to be 20.30-ish, I HAD to get to the shower! There’ve been too many evenings when I missed the shower-time and tonight, well, my jammies stink and I was dusty from the office so there was NO way round it… I simply posted that I had to get to the shower and bolted. – 20.57 Getting caught up with this journalling and there’s a Nighty tea steeping. A Naprosyn before bed… my back is SO SORE! And L. asked ME to bring in a bag of pellets and put them into the stove. I did… WTF? I get no benefit from the heat of the stove.. but as I thought just tonight: this, I add to the moment when I simply walk away… in silence… and I shall! Soon, I hope. – 21.27 Just noticed… I have something “growing” in my navel… something like a skin tag! Sunuvabitch! MORE SHIT going amok on me! Fuck… just fuck it all!
*** I wonder that the premonition is with regard to the dream. All I keep hearing is “Anna Sun” in my heart. ***

Wed.26.Mar: 7.25 and the habitual 14°. The bird house that Fred had made and given me. The 4-poster bed. Two heaters. I’ve spent what has probably been, the coldest Winter of my life. In Richford, the house was cold, but we had heaters. Here, there’s been the mattress pad to heat. As long as I was in bed, I was warm. – The fact this morning: My “life” is not going to change as long as I stay in this town where there’s no chance of changing anything. There’s no work to be done and no way to increase income. So… it’s either get out or resign myself to this “life”-style. And I don’t want this “life”-style. – Jester in in bed… the door is open. Lyle is in bed, as usual. And I’m rather sitting here waiting for the phone to ring with complaints about something done wrong the past 2 days in E. Farifield. And thinking about the dedication and sense of responsibility that I’ve exercised, that won’t be appreciated at all. Not to mention: it’s probably gotten through the ranks of the Postal Service and will, no doubt, be thrown in my face. This is the way the “World” is today. – Viv is back in my “life”. I wonder how that came to be. Yet another event to thwart my “departure”? Ah… I doubt it. – And the thought: haven’t been in touch with “siblings” (thankfully) and when I die, they’ll not know… and it won’t matter at all… not that it matters to me because, they too will die… and it truly won’t matter to me. – And so, the day begins. It’s 7.34… let the “time” roll! – Over-cast this morning and zero° on the barn. I should get out of the house, get to Richford, Enosburgh, St. Albans or some-where. I need cash… which is something I don’t have enough of to spend… I need smokes, I need a CAR! I need… and yet? These are the times when it makes sense to “take”, because, no matter how I look at it, honestly… I actually have “earned”. But I probably won’t. I’m such a complete moron. – 21.35 COLD DAY! WINDY day! And the only thing that got accomplished was that I posted to the FB “English” page, brought my time card to the PO where I helped (a bit) to remove a key from a PO Box, got the market for oatmeal, PopTarts, “Vienna Sausages” (kriste they’re nasty) and some licorice. OH, and some ginger, some of which is steeping at bed-side as I type. I put too much into the glass though.. it’s going to be strong. But hopefully it will do the relaxing thing and be good for the respiratory. – Cut my toe nails tonight after the SHOWER!!! (SHIT! THE WIND IS HAMMERING THE HOUSE AGAIN TONIGHT! IT’S GOING TO BE COLD IN HERE!) (and the fucking dogs bark as Bob comes up the stairs.. really? they need to be thrashed… hard and cold!) I can’t believe that the left great toe STILL isn’t repaired. It’s 9 months already! AND… I had to open one of vanZini’s antifungals tonight… the navel is SORE! Which is why I showered… scrubbed the damned thing out and put the antifungal in there. Hopefully it’ll work and clear it up. – Meanwhile… yup… the ginger tea is STRONG! And there’s a LOT of the ginger in the bottom of the glass… 2 spoons is too much. Lesson learnt. – Viv tried calling on Skype earlier this evening. I was down having a smoke. But I’m SO tired tonight that I just want to be brain-dead in moments. Matter of fact, I wanted to be in bed by 20.00 tonight and here it is, going for 22.00 already! – Hopefully the smokes will take me through to Friday and hopefully I’ll have the car in the morning. Jester has an earlier appointment as well… 10.45 says he. But I’ll be taking care of ME from 7-when I get done! ME! Cash. Food. Smokes. Stuff. I’d have LIKED to get to Richford… I might even try… depending on the gas in the car when I get it (I’m not thinking there’s going to be too much though). – And so, there we have the day. The tea is going down slowly but I can feel the “warmth” already. So, this is a good thing. (Now to stop the nose from doing all the post-shower sneezing shit. Never fails: shower… sneeze! It’s this house! –

DUPLICATE? I'm leaving it here.

Wed.26.Mar: 7.25 and the habitual 14°. The bird house that Fred had made and given me. The 4-poster bed. Two heaters. I’ve spent what has probably been, the coldest Winter of my life. In Richford, the house was cold, but we had heaters. Here, there’s been the mattress pad to heat. As long as I was in bed, I was warm. – The fact this morning: My “life” is not going to change as long as I stay in this town where there’s no chance of changing anything. There’s no work to be done and no way to increase income. So… it’s either get out or resign myself to this “life”-style. And I don’t want this “life”-style. – Jester in in bed… the door is open. Lyle is in bed, as usual. And I’m rather sitting here waiting for the phone to ring with complaints about something done wrong the past 2 days in E. Farifield. And thinking about the dedication and sense of responsibility that I’ve exercised, that won’t be appreciated at all. Not to mention: it’s probably gotten through the ranks of the Postal Service and will, no doubt, be thrown in my face. This is the way the “World” is today. – Viv is back in my “life”. I wonder how that came to be. Yet another event to thwart my “departure”? Ah… I doubt it. – And the thought: haven’t been in touch with “siblings” (thankfully) and when I die, they’ll not know… and it won’t matter at all… not that it matters to me because, they too will die… and it truly won’t matter to me. – And so, the day begins. It’s 7.34… let the “time” roll! – Over-cast this morning and zero° on the barn. I should get out of the house, get to Richford, Enosburgh, St. Albans or some-where. I need cash… which is something I don’t have enough of to spend… I need smokes, I need a CAR! I need… and yet? These are the times when it makes sense to “take”, because, no matter how I look at it, honestly… I actually have “earned”. But I probably won’t. I’m such a complete moron. – 21.35 COLD DAY! WINDY day! And the only thing that got accomplished was that I posted to the FB “English” page, brought my time card to the PO where I helped (a bit) to remove a key from a PO Box, got the market for oatmeal, PopTarts, “Vienna Sausages” (kriste they’re nasty) and some licorice. OH, and some ginger, some of which is steeping at bed-side as I type. I put too much into the glass though.. it’s going to be strong. But hopefully it will do the relaxing thing and be good for the respiratory. – Cut my toe nails tonight after the SHOWER!!! (SHIT! THE WIND IS HAMMERING THE HOUSE AGAIN TONIGHT! IT’S GOING TO BE COLD IN HERE!) (and the fucking dogs bark as Bob comes up the stairs.. really? they need to be thrashed… hard and cold!) I can’t believe that the left great toe STILL isn’t repaired. It’s 9 months already! AND… I had to open one of vanZini’s anti-fungals tonight… the navel is SORE! Which is why I showered… scrubbed the damned thing out and put the anti-fungal in there. Hopefully it’ll work and clear it up. – Meanwhile… yup… the ginger tea is STRONG! And there’s a LOT of the ginger in the bottom of the glass… 2 spoons is too much. Lesson learnt. – Viv tried calling on Skype earlier this evening. I was down having a smoke. But I’m SO tired tonight that I just want to be brain-dead in moments. Matter of fact, I wanted to be in bed by 20.00 tonight and here it is, going for 22.00 already! – Hopefully the smokes will take me through to Friday and hopefully I’ll have the car in the morning. Jester has an earlier appointment as well… 10.45 says he. But I’ll be taking care of ME from 7-when I get done! ME! Cash. Food. Smokes. Stuff. I’d have LIKED to get to Richford… I might even try… depending on the gas in the car when I get it (I’m not thinking there’s going to be too much though). – And so, there we have the day. The tea is going down slowly but I can feel the “warmth” already. So, this is a good thing. (Now to stop the nose from doing all the post-shower sneezing shit. Never fails: shower… sneeze! It’s this house! –

Thu.27.Mar: 7.51 And the clothes are in the washer. The sun is shining brightly through the windows. The house is quiet. The day begins. It’s forecast to be another brisk one, so travel isn’t on the agenda but I might, depending on how the day goes, head out to some-where. Richford… on the bike? That might be nice. Just a casual ride today. No stress. Just ride. Get out. Get away. I’m a bit anxious about tomorrow. Hopefully I WILL have the car to get my running done. But, there’s no sense in wondering this morning. Tomorrow will be what it will be. C’est tout – 17.58 I’m ready for bed again! The abrasion in the navel is SORE! – But I got the clothes washed, the room Hoovered, snow for water for the plants. That much got done. Anything else? No. Not really. Spent most of the day… actually, until almost noon, in the bed. The sun got clouded over and so, it wasn’t worth the effort to leave. Besides, it’s still cold out there. So, nothing again with this day. Nothing. And it isn’t even important. – B&L are out. I should do a beard trim, but I really don’t have the what-ever it takes to be bothered. – It was another day of remembering what I no longer have: clothes now. None. FUCK! I WAS SUCH A COMPLETE FUCKTARD TO BELIEVE THAT BITCH! I’VE BEEN SUCH A FUCKTARD TO BELIEVE ANYBODY WHEN THEY SAY THEY’LL “HELP”… HELP THEMSELVES TO SCREWEING THE SHIT UP THROUGH MY SKULL! DUMB-ASS. WELL, NO MORE. NEVER AGAIN! NEVER! – That off the mind… Darjeeling on the steep. I’m hungry, have the FS but don’t want to go to the market since I can go to the REAL market tomorrow. Oh well. It’s not like I’ve never been hungry before. – (on Friday) VIV! Skype! Chit-chat and trying to get her a FB page! She chose the birth name of dear Pauline and FB didn’t like it at all! So I came up with an alternative, set her up with a gmail account and a page… but it went into mid-night… and then beyond, of course. But, it got done and now she can follow the politics that she’d like.. not to mention, we can correspond via that as well now. It’s a delight… DELIGHT having her back in life. – Oh… didn’t get to shower tonight… I just crawled into the bed, put out the lights and….

Fri.28.Mar:
VIRGINIA WOOLF DROWNED TODAY 1941

21.51 SHOWERED… and in bed! Thankfully! At last! And the temperature in here? 22°! TWENTY-TWO! Some-where, a terrible mistake has been made. I don’t know where or how… but it’s been made… it’s comfortable in here! – ANYway… a disgustingly restless night last night. Just couldn’t “sleep” well. And woke this morning at 5.00 to jump, dress, smoke and RUN! And oh the running that got done this morning! IN THE SNOW! AGAIN! Dropped B. at the usual place and headed directly to Hannaford’s where, 60$ later, I walked out with 6 BAGS… which I condensed into 3 (which means the groceries should have been only 30$… fuckers, all… and I’ll continue to fight for my FS… especially since the Pres. is now encouraging the fucking illegals to take them!) Soups, cereals, coffee and such. I’ve put much into the closet… in the dark space in the back. Keep it to myself. After Hannaford’s to the CU for 150 to pay phone and smokes. Left me with 130… not nearly what I need right now but you know? After last week-end… I’m in a mood to DARE! the fuckers here. I’m really fed up now. After the CU a quick visit to Walmarde for toothpaste, iron-on patches for the jeans, thread to fix my under-shorts (sewing them again!) and a pack of smokes and back out into what was, at that point… rain… on the packed snow on the back roads. – Back at the house by about 9.20 to find L, and Jester awake and such! I brought my 3 bags in. I just don’t care any more, brought them up to the room, un-packed and it was time to leave again! I dreaded this day… but… – As it turned out, Jester was in a chatty mood. I learnt that the hospital did a alcohol breath test on him, asked him a couple of questions about the incident of the night and released him! I told him that they could be sued… Suicide watch and all that… I also strongly suggested that he get a PO box, in spite of the fact that apparently the other 2 gave him permission to use the house as his address. Oh well… I spoke. It’s a dead issue now. In between the 2 Dr. appointments, I tried to pay the phone! The fucking kiosk was down and the only way to pay was to pay the bloody sales people… and pay TAX! BULL-SHIT! But now I have to go BACK to St,Albans to pay the PHONE! I want to smack some-one… and I mean that… literally! I want… WANT to HURT somebody! Nobody… NOBODY NOBODY NOBODY knows how painful it is for me to make that trip on foot or on the bike. NOBODY! But… as with all shit… this too must be done… sooner or later and it will get done. – After the 2nd appointment, I drove us down the 7 to fetch B. and we returned to the house where L. had prepared dinner… if one wants to call it that… chicken fukkitz, as I understand it. “They” insisted that Jester eat with them. I was asked if I was hungry… I declined. Indeed. NOTE! Jester asked why I no longer eat with them. I told him it was the “advert” that stated “FOOD NOT INCLUDED” coupled with the “You owe us a lot of money” statement. He and I discussed how much we put into the house… and that HE buys the food! (These other 2 are looking more and more like parasites.) Oh… we also discussed that we both agree that L. is losing it a bit… doesn’t remember things… like feeding the dogs. Hmmm…. Apparently Jester was told that he can’t lock himself in his room alone all the time. Me? It’s OK because I’m used to being alone. But not him. Oh well… I don’t much give a shit… je m’en câlisse… PANTOUTE! – And now… a peppermint tea. This morning’s BM was green-black and when I brushed my teeth, that too was green-black. I wonder… maybe the licorice, or too much ginger or… ? Anyway… I’ll cut out the ginger tonight and see what happens. Besides, the peppermint is a delightful way to end the day.- Weather report for tomorrow is mostly sunny and …. THREE DEGREES! If I can, I just might make a bolt for the HOME-land! I don’t know… it depends on how much energy I have left after work. – No Viv tonight. Hopefully she’s sleeping and resting well. Missing her, but hopefully she’s resting. – That’s that. A bit of a browse, a couple more PopTarts and to SLEEP!

Sat.29.Mar: 5.15 And… we’re up and off and what-ever after a late-to-sleep night (after midnight) last night. FLIES! BLOODY FLIES! BUZZING AT MY HEAD, FACE AND EARS! FLIES! FUCK! THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG ABOUT HAVING FLIES IN A ROOM ALL WINTER! FLIES! – AND AT 5.27 WE HAVE MORE FLIES! (Viv said something interesting: Flies, when they get cold, don’t actually die, they tend to “hibernate” in a fashion. And when the get warm, they re-animate. Now mu question is: Where the bloody-fuck have all these flies been “hibernating” in this room? One way or another, it’s disgusting! And annoying!) – 24.12 And another 8hr14min Skype with….. VIV! – The work-day went surprisingly well today. Another day of non-stop moving and working and I didn’t get there until about 7.15 this morning! Hey! I’m getting better all the while. AND… several days of WORK to come the next month. Aline left me a note with the days that she knows she needs off.. through to November! Not much in the way of the Summer months, but then, with the work at E.Fairfield, there might well be more days to come. Maybe even in Bakersfield… though with the reputation that that one has over there, I almost hope not. Still. the time and the money is NEEDED! And if the hours are offered, I’ll take them. Anyway, today I made the error of closing the lobby at 11.00 and it should have been open until 11.30. No big deal. AT 11.00, when the office was supposed to be closed, they were still trying to get in! Morons! Oh well… I dodged… and had my paper-work done by 11.30 which is when I should come off the clock. So? Fuckkem! I don’t je m’en câlisse. And I learnt today that I CAN take my time with the closing as well… Oh, and a deposit was made to get caught up with all that had to go. It went! It’s done! – Came in to only Jester at the house. The other 2 went “to lunch with Dan”. HAH! If they’d gone to “lunch” I know who… what was on the menu because they didn’t get back until almost 16.00 or so. Jester was chatty but spent most of the day in the room… in bed, of course. – I put the iron-on patches on the Levis jeans and, as I see, just in time too! They’re wearing VERY THIN! Shit! I’ve only 2 pairs of jeans to my name and one pair is now wearing out in the seat. Fucked… that’s about it… fucked. – When the other 2 came in, B. had the little sewing machine out and up and running to make curtains for their room… to keep it dark in there so they can sleep. I don”t understand how people can lock themselves away from day-light. Me? I’ve even pulled the plastic up on the North window to let the light in! And, oddly enough, the temperature hovered at about 21° in here most of the day! – “Lunch” today was “grape nuts” made with hot water. Not bad… not tasty though. Dinner was oatmeal with the remaining cream of rice. One box of PopTarts is gone already. That went too quickly. My diet… my “meals”. Shit. – BUT it was a FUN evening… Viv and I were both on FB AND Skype, browsing through comments and such. I actually got her laughing! Well, not me, directly. But the comments and the videos and such. It was SO WONDERFUL to see her smile and laugh. It did my old heart a LOT of good. May I be able to keep that going, bring some laughter into her life. May I be able to keep her smiling and to bring some levity. She’s had a tough time of it. I don’t know how, exactly. And I don’t understand why she allows things to get to her so personally and directly. I don’t know how this miserable existence some call “Life” can be so cruel as to give her any… ANY suffering at all. It only adds to my own hatred of the world, Creation, people in general. It’s miserable. It truly, truly is. “Life”… just plain shit. And for what? There truly is no logical reason for any of it. But, if I can bring even moments of laughter and a reprieve to someone for and about whom I deeply and sincerely care… someone I DO “Love”… then fine. I can be Happy, Content with that much. Life may attack her, but it will have to come through me to do so. – 24.48 and in bed at last! The really bad weather is due to hit at 1.00 The forecast is for snow, sleet and ice through the day and into Tuesday! Monday as well. And I HAVE TO PAY THE PHONE! I have to get into that fucked town of St.Albans and pay the bloody phone! And I’ll have to do it on foot. And now, at the rate things are going… on foot in the snow or rain or what-ever. Or… I’ll have to go on foot in one direction and maybe get the jitney part of the way back. I’ll have to plan this. It would be nice to be able to plan something. Just a fuck-ball, a fuck-fest, all told.
BUT VIV LAUGHED TODAY! It’s good… it’s OK. I did something worth the while… VIV LAUGHED.

Sun.30 Mar: 10.56 And the rumbling and screeching of a power drill on a drizzly Sunday morning. How fun. Haven’t had coffee yet. Just a smoke. Just woke… to the sound of the drill. I have no idea what sort of project couldn’t wait until at least noon. But then… there’s a “consideration” factor in place here… or not. And, the middle finger of the left hand is slashed. As I walked down the stairs to go for a smoke, the ‘Shadow” decided to claw my finger… deep. Blood rushing out. Quite thin and rather dark. Hmmm…. And for some reason, I’m not feeling all too well in general. Stomach’s a bit off and head-ache. Oh well… another day in the “bucolic country”. – It’s drizzly. Just enough to stop me from taking a trip North. And there’s just a it of wet snow mixed with. I wonder what I’ll do with this day… I wonder. – … Well, the day went along with nothing at all that was note-worthy. Just another one of those lazy days, save the installation of plant holders inside the front door and a couple of shelves in the “pantry” right below me. B. had to show me what he’d done. I suppose because nobody else in the house gives a shit. – VIV and I saw the night along on Skype and watched Tout Le Monde En Parle together! She turned her lap-top to her TV which didn’t do much for me because the visual was burnt out going form computer to computer and the audio wasn’t high enough. And this lap-top shit isn’t strong enough to carry the Skype and the TV as well, so I switched from one to the other: My lap-top broadcast and the Skype. But it was rather fun… watching TV together, as it were. We didn’t sign-off until almost 23.00 at which point both of us were exhausted! Poor VIV! I keep thinking of how close we are these days but even on the bike, it would take me at least 8 hours to get there… and then… staying over-night? The weather is too fickle for that just now and I don’t know how her nieghbours would take to it. So? So close… yet so far. Still, it was a most enjoyable way to be “together” this evening. – Late to bed… early to rise… BUGGER IT ALL!

Fri.31.Mar: 9.56 Back from dropping B. at work, Hannaford’s for more “provisions” including coffee, PopTarts, soups, creamer… and PAYING THE PHONE THROUGH APRIL! AND… well… just got the bloody temperature in the room up to 18°. It was 16 when I got in here. Bloody shit! – Anyway… Happy 41st Cynthia. You see? I don’t forget. – Had to use the loo at Hannaford’s this morning. Then wait in the parking lot for over an hour to pay the phone. It’s not COLD this morning, but it’s cold enough to be uncomfortable… and warm enough to be damp. – L. is supposed to be at the doctor at 11.00 but he’s still asleep in bed. I don’t care, really, but B. came to my door at 6.00 this morning to ask if I’d drive him to work because L. had a Dr. appointment. I don’t mind, since it saved me from walking or biking into St.Albans today. But I could have gone up to St-Armand for smokes too this morning, but I was too nervous about getting the car back. Oh well… L. doesn’t like going to Dr. anyway… none of my business. If B. cares, he’ll ring the house. – Meanwhile, I might be able to make a wash today… might… I doubt it. And if the weather does as forecast, warm and clearing, I might be able to bike to St-Armand for the smokes later. I don’t know. Just one of those days. Not that there’s nothing to be done. I’m a bit tired… the morning “routine” has been thrown off. – Hot “nuts” cereal awaits. – 12.56 Temperature back to 18 and I just woke form a nap that did no good at all. And Mme.L. did not go to the doctor. I could have gone to St-Armand. Oh well. Fuck it all anyway. Fags. – 22.26 In bed at last! Ms.L and Jester went to Fetch B. this afternoon and left with-out so much as a “Get fucked”. Classless folk, but then again, I tend not to engage in the frivolities of “Good morning” or “good night’ so I suppose I shouldn’t even think about it. – Whilst gone, I 10z’ed at long last and enjoyed, rather. Too bad I didn’t get to the shower this evening. That “itch” in the navel is lingering. So, more anti-fungal before bed tonight. Not that I think anything has to do with anything else. I suspect it’s because I sit, rather slumped, most of the day. What-ever… – Nothing said about dinner this evening but I’d already had a tin of “Steak and Potato” “chunky” soup… at room temperature, whilst I had the house alone. Surely, this “diet” is no good, but it kills the appetite and puts something in the body to work on. Just now, enjoying the PopTarts before bed. – No VIV tonight! I hope she’s catching-up on needed sleep. I caught-up on the English language page on FB. A few more entries. I wonder if anybody’s actually paying any attention to it. And, this evening, it occurred to me: A Mr. John Hill has been “with” my Quebec political page for a while now, but when I asked to join along on the Author page, he declined saying that he’s particular about who he “adopts”. He’s quite Irish… and this evening it struck me: my name! He’s a Jew-hater. Imagine that! Anglo in Quebec and has the audacity to be so prejudiced. Well, that’s humanity for you. Sad people, really. – So I didn’t get to make the wash today. Perhaps in the morning. The weather is supposed to become delightful as the day progresses and unless something happens over-night in the way of precipitation, or a sudden jolt into higher temperatures, the roads North should be fine for biking at some point during the day. I hope I can wake refreshed and make a trip to HOME. It’s been quite a while… all Winter as a matter of fact. – I’m just rather relieved that the phone is paid. – OH! There was a call today. Aline. Apparently the locals came in bitching because the PO was closed at 11.00 (my mistake) on Saturday. Ah HAH! They don’t notice when it’s open a bit later or a bit earlier, but closed and they come out in droves. One person (a guy, I’m sure) bitched because he wanted to post a package and couldn’t. Yes? Well… I happen to know for a fact that he showed up at about 11.05 or so, which is after the retail window closes anyway, but he lied and said that he was there on time to post but the office was closed. See? Bull-shitters… the lot of them. Not that I didn’t know this already. So I simply said that the lobby was open until just after 11.30 and that perhaps the door was jammed or something. Aline let it go with “I just wanted to be sure we’re on the same page. I told them I would talk with you about it.” She did. We did. It’s done… until Saturday… I’m sure. I wish I could … no I don’t… I don’t care and I don’t wish I could. – So, the house is already all in darkness. All are in bed. Imagine that. Hopefully they won’t all be awake first thing in the morning as well. I’d like to get a wash done. – And Cynthia’s 41st birthday comes to a close… as does “Schmulik’s” 57th I believe. And here I am… here… – Well. another few moments to post this. It’s the last day of March, 2014. Tomorrow is the 1st of April… I don’t have anything NEAR the rent for this coming month and to be quite honest, although I’m marginally concerned, I’m not in a panic over it. It’s been a miserably cold Winter, I’ve put myself out and into discomfort to make certain those 2 got the money they needed (so they could go trolloping about to sex parties and the likes… which is none of my business, but they cry poverty and when they get the money they allegedly need, it goes to that and ordering bull-shit on-line so… if they don’t worry, I don’t worry). – April already. And last year April is still quite fresh in my head. There was much turmoil at this point last year which lead to leaving Richford. A whole year ago. Sad… very sad. And I haven’t heard from Silas since. I wonder what I did to bring it to this where he’s concerned. I do wonder… I don’t “care” though. I did nothing to harm. I supported to the point of my own discomfort. Oh well… as Mum used to say:
Don’t wait for ‘thanks’. There are no ‘thanks’. Just do what you can when you can because that’s the way it SHOULD be.