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Thu.01.Oct: 9.00 on the mark (and there was another up-date, un-controlled, to the lap-top and the keys are sticking again... FUCK! What a way to start a day and a month... fucking Microsoft and Dell, I grow aggravated). I don't really know why, but I got out of bed at about 6.00... put the furnace on to get rid of the morning chill, but went back to sleep until 7.00 and have been up and about since... doing nothing but sitting in the loo, on-line, as it were. Last night's Naproxen was, as usual, a great help for sleeping through the night. (I believe it's wearing off as I sit here because the “heaviness of chest” is returning.) This morning's “difficulty” is that vitamins went down wrong and are “stuck” in the throat. Discomfortable... to to say. Oh well. But the sun is shining here and there and the chill is leaving... and I'm tired again, of course, But I'm clothed... and getting ready for “bill-pay day”. (Have to finish September's on-line posts this morning too... and go through some photos to include.) Such is another day. No “projects” on the agenda, save a trip to the dump later. Might go for gas (in Port Henry... and maybe a trip to Ticonderoga for some-thing... “some-thing”... not sure what) and really ought to see about getting food.. that will have to be purchased with funds this week... sadly. Oh well... We shall see. (I might just go back to bed or futon... ) - 9.39 OK KIDS... THE BILLS ARE PAID! RENT, LOAN, INTERNET, PROPANE, ELECTRIC! *** AND THE ELECTRIC? DOWN 100 TO 40! PAID! QUICKLY! AND THERE'S STILL ABOUT 150 IN THE VT ACCOUNT! WITH ABOUT 70 IN THE NY ACCOUNT! EVEN AFTER ORDERING THE TAPE FOR THE TRUCK! If I cared to do so, I could even pay the “Medical” (but I'm not going to rush on that... let the shit-bags wait... as I usually do, I keep thinking: they took the x-ray and the CT and I didn't get to actually SEE any so they can wait...). But imagine: the 1st of the month and “responsible me” just paid ALL the bills! WELL! Yes, 'tis time to die (because “Life” is going ALL TOO WELL). So... with all that done... ON with the day... Eh? - 20.34 Having a v-ton to back-up the Naproxen for tonight. It was a productive sort of after-noon... THE GARBAGE WENT TO THE DUMP! TWO BAGS (one label... YAY me!)! Then a stop at the Westport Mobil (though I didn't really want to go there, but I didn't want to go to Port Henry even more). SURPRISE! 15$ FILLED THE TANK! WHEW! (I was thinking: 20$ would be my limit, 30$ would probably fill the tank... but 15$! I was THRILLED!). Next... Tops, for a “cash” grocery run. Franks (meal), chickpeas (meal), stir fry veggies (meal), ice cream (meal), juice (meal). Food in the house. And on to FamDoll for smokes (of course), flowers for a new “decoration” on the front porch, “True North” air fresheners (they made their way to the actual rack!) and hand-warmers for... well... for. I spent more than expected there but no regrets. Chatted with Casey, Betsy and Rylan too. Apparently, some-body had told Betsy that I wasn't coming back from lunch and Rylan was told why. Casey told me that I could discard my name-tag and I told her that if she needed extra help to call me. She seemed a touch “distant” but I'm not going to ponder it. I made my offer. - Out by about 14.45 and back in by 16.15! WOOHOO! - Had meal, did the “banquing”. 70 in each account now. (I'll look for the 144 that's still due... damnit!) - *** AND... TODAY... THE RENT CHEQUE FOR OCTOBER CLEARED THE BANQUE! *** ALL MY BILLS ARE PAID!!! *** So I'm having a v-ton. - Furnace is up for a bit, to take tonight's chill out before bed which will be when the v-ton is done. - I'm feeling quite proud of me this evening. Yes, indeed. (Tomorrow, I MUST work on the on-line journals!) - So... as the v-ton is enjoyed and takes hold... some-thing to pass the time until the house warms and then... to bed. We shall see when tomorrow commences... if it does so at all. - 21.28 Watched Chad Prather... “Libertarianism”... Interesting... I shall ponder... but not now... I'm off to bed! The house is warm!
Fri.02.Oct: 7.18 Rain. (Ian Hunter comes to mind.) And my eyes opened at 5.30... and I closed them again until about 6.00, when I closed them again until 6.30 which is when I got out of the bed... put the coffee on and... for some, as yet, un-known reason, got dressed. So now, I've have first coffee, smoke on the porch (to check yesterday's little “arrangement” of fabric flora on the front of the house... all is well) and here I sit, at the “droring” table... (O.Henry's 100 stories are all read as of last night, 22.30 when 'twas “lights out”) as night becomes dim-day and I wonder what to do to fill the hours to come (save that/them which will be a “snooze” when the pee-oh opens). A little “project” to “raise the boots” in the bed-room, to be sure... Ideas... I need “ideas” for that. But other-wise... I just don't, at the moment, know, for sure. Ah well... I'm awake. The Naproxen and vodka of last night have made the morning just that more tolerable. Not “well”, not “fine”, and certainly not “perfect” but, “tolerable”. So? So... here we are and away we go... or....? - 10.40 Just checking the chequing at the VT account and *** SOCIAL SECURITY... IN FULL... HAS BEEN POSTED TODAY!!! *** NOW... comes the fiscal figuring and funds fudging for expenses this and next month because it's another “5-Week” balancing act to perform. AND... truck insurance comes out of this one! HERE WE GO! - 12.18 WELL... SO MUCH FOR WONDERING HOW TO PASS THE HOURS! I rang Soc.Sec. (never got the woman's name though... oh well... not an issue) and was informed, to my chagrin but expected: Medicaid/NYS began paying Medicare as of September... so the payment I made for August will NOT be forth-coming. Oh well. MEAN-WHILE... THE TRUCK INSURANCE GOT PAID, SO TOO, THE TRANSFER TO THE NY/Acct. FOR NOVEMBER'S LOAN PAYMENT. Rent and other expenses, normally handled on the last Wednesday, have been “calc'ed” into the account records and I know how much (little!) I have for the rest of the month. THIS is going to take some “control”, to be sure, but, I'll get into this routine... (and then die), I suppose. But all of this fuckerie took the entire morning. Hey... it's been raining, the rain's not due to stop until this evening and so... it was productive and fine indeed. - It's “chilly-damp” in here today. I could actually use the heat (blood-thinning with Naproxen perhaps?) but I REFUSE! - There should be another income from FamDoll on Friday-week so... we shall simply roll-on (sweet Jeezus). HEY! The truck is still fully legal... AND October's rent is paid, November's rent is accounted-for. One can't be bitchy... one supposes. - Soon, time for “tea” and then... and then. - 22.05 So... Reading has been returned to “Cancer” before sleep. Meal was franks and chickpeas with ice cream following, again. The “news” was annoying so, from about 17.30 until now... QI re-runs. Two v-tons and I'm off to bed... Out-side, there's a heavy fog in the 5°. The furnace is up for a bit, to warm the house for bed. And that''s the end of the day. - Tomorrow... I MUST put this on-line and finish last month. - BUT... the month's bills have been “budgeted” out of the account. So... there we have it. - I'm tired. Taken a Naproxen. Trump is in hospital, allegedly for “covid”. Ah... the world... is a shit-hole.
Sat.03.Oct: 6.43 INCREDIBLE! I woke at 4.30, tried to snooze, but by 4.55 I HAD to get up to pee... which meant stopping at the kitchen sink to clean the “clench-guard” which included filling the kettle which led to putting coffee into the press and then off to the loo then kicking-up the furnace to take the damp chill out of the house and then on to getting dressed, having coffee, powering-up the lap-top, checking the weather, seeing the rain in the forecast, check e-mails, check soc.med. and... SUDDENLY... it's almost 7.00! - 6.56 Just in from a smoke on the front porch. How silent... empty out there. Delightful. To think... in a little while, it'll probably be “snooze time”... Ms. Crystal is back in the pee-oh. I suppose Ms. Suze is in for the surgery on her knees. Oh well... I can expect to NOT get my mail again, for a while. - Anyway... in other news, I woke, this morning, feeling quite rather “well”. That's being addressed as the hours pass and the “stone in the chest” returns. Oh well. If I stayed TOO well, I'd have to wonder. - As for the “agenda” today? Maybe I'll seal the bed-room windows... probably not. It's Saturday. What that has to do with any-thing is... well... At least it's not cold in here this morning. - Depending on how much income arrives on Friday-coming, I might call “Hance” and have them come check the furnace. It's not blowing strongly and that means the furnace has to run that much longer to heat the house. Looks like I'll have to pay that service. Part of me is angered by this, and yet, I think, the rent is so low and is much less than a “mortgage” payment, so I suppose I ought not to be so bitchy about it. HEY! The rent cheque for this month cleared YESTERDAY. I wonder why, how? Usually, the rent doesn't clear until much later in the month. Are the Harrises “in need” these days? Actually, none of my concern. At least my bills are paid (save the medical, but that'll come when I have the money). - OK. On with the day... or... what-ever. - 19.44 And the kettle's on... just off the phone with Donna for about the past hour (always WONDERFUL talking with her) and a shower's to be taken and... back to bed! The day? It was chilly, rainy and I took TWO snoozes... 90 minutes on one and 3 hours on the first one this morning! In between... had tea at 13.00 and that just about covers the “accomplishments”. I've actually be tired most of today. Weather? Sniffles? Something? Nothing? What-ever, but truly, just a “nothing” sort of day. - At 7.25 Dorothy sent a text: “Are you up? I have my coffee. Call me now.” Hell no! “Call me now”? So I didn't. And that's that. - Anyway, I'm thinking of heading to Plattsburgh tomorrow for weather-stripping for the windows. It's time to “Winterise”! And the bed-room windows MUST be “sealed” this year. Thinking I can get gas there and then top-off in Westport (for about 10$). Full tank... especially in all this rain. (Pisses me off though... hopefully the drier weather will come when the “tape” arrives and I can work on those rockers.) - And so, hot water in mug at hand... - I also STILL have to get these 14 pages here on-line! One of these days... perhaps tomorrow morning before “hitting the road”? Perhaps. - Oh... meal was chicken and rice with veggies and ice cream so... good, hot food. (More groceries Friday coming!) - 21.30 One Naproxen. Two hot waters. Now for a shower and off to bed. I'd LIKE to get to Plattsburgh tomorrow MORNING! We shall see.
Sun.04.Oct: 7.44 Another morning of... lights out at 23.00 last night and up at 3.30... to pee... then again, up at 4.30 to lay in bed mostly awake until 5.30 when... up and out of bed, coffee on, and hitting the soc.med. to be annoyed. A moment of “OANN” which I'm thrilled to have access to now. The furnace set at 68F and the house is “chilled” because the temperature out-side is... 5°. I've looked at Walmart, Target, BedBath&c. for robes, toaster ovens and... well... still thinking of making the trip to Plattsburgh. Stores open at about 10.00 so... there's still time, and I'm pondering a “snooze”. I NEED to get this journal on-line but the “chill” in the house is prompting a dip 'neath the covers. (Noting: I've had my “morning smokes” in the kitchen this morning too. I just can't give a shit about it any longer.) MUST get the bed-room windows sealed too. That “cold draft” is noticeable again. Winter is scratching. “Things” to be done with the day... let's see how much gets accomplished. (Also need to wonder about this evening's “meal” at some point.) Good morning... good snoozing. - 21.09 Just off the phone with Donna... she got news from the vet today that “Trapper” is doing well and can come back home tomorrow! Poor little kitty-guy. Couldn't pee nor shit. But... he's better now. Just reminds me too much of Mr. Mimou... and Ms. Hallie too. But DID WE EVER LAUGH! I pulled a “Dorothy” and said “Don't make me have to come kick your ass” and SHE came back with “OK Dorothy. You come do that but you're gonna get real tired real quick, hoppin' around on one leg and tryin' to focus with that one eye.” and I GOT A VISUAL OF IT AND LOST IT! LAUGH! OH GOOD KRISTE! CLEARED MY LUNGS COMPLETELY! (I guess that's what I've been in need of for too long now.) Anyway... as always... it was GREAT talking with her! - Now... for today's “Adventure”... as I have my v-ton and Naproxen... - So I was out the door by about 11.45... maybe a bit closer to noon, and on the road to... Plattsburgh. Shopping list was, mostly, the weather-stripping, but I'd planned on looking for a toaster oven at Target (because they had a nice one on-line for about 30$... and only 3 in the store... which I ALMOST paid and picked-up but learning from Walmart... NO!). A visit to Bed, Bath and bull-shit for a robe, printer ink and a canvass to make a robe (in case). Well... off we went. The truck rolled along so nicely (but I'm going to take it in to have the front driver's side tyre checked only because...) and in no time, I was rolling in to Walmarde. Spiffy... got 2 packages of weather-stripping and went in search of toaster oven and bath robe (and pillow cases... because NO Walmarde's has had ANY in about a year!). They did have a toaster oven for 19,88 but it wasn't “quite” what I liked so I passed AND NOT A SINGLE BATH ROBE AND NO PRINTER INK! FUCK! So? A bit pissed-off, I paid the strippings and headed to Target at the fucking mall. Nope... as suspected, the ONLY toaster oven of the kind was the display! So I looked for bath-robes and printer ink. NONE! NOTHING! NOT A ONE OF EITHER! I decided to try Penny's for the robe since I was at the mall and... NOTHING EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLING A BATH ROBE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING USELESS STORE! OK. Fine. Bad enough having to walk all over the fucking place with the bandana over my mouth, and no place of escape... I headed back toward Target to leave but happened to see “Bookburgh”! Open and well-stocked! It's been about a year since I was in the place so I dropped in to browse for reading material... AND THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT HIT THE BLOODY FUCKING FAN! HERE WE GO... I walked in and was browsing the “local” books directly at the entrance. EXPENSIVE and nothing of real interest, not to mention, nothing that included even a mention of New Russia. But none-the-less, I continued looking for something because I'm now re-reading “Emperor of All Maladies” and would like some-thing a bit lighter for the coming Winter nights. I get half-way into the store and a woman appears from the back, putting on her “mask”. I called “I'll keep my 12 feet distance, you don't have to put that on.” and she continued putting on the mask and came to the counter. We chatted about the success of the store and she apparently, suddenly noticed that I had my bandana under my nose. “You'll have to cover your nose.” she said. “I'm presently battling with lung cancer and breathing is difficult as it is.” I said, calmly. *** WELL! SUDDENLY... SHE RAISES HER ARM AND STARTS WAVING ME OFF AS SHE BACKS TOWARD THE STORE-FRONT AND OUT INTO THE MALL AND ALL THE WHILE YELLING “YOU HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!” WELL FUCKING JOLLY JEEZUS WHAT-THE-FUCK! THE PSYCHOTIC LUNACY! I WAS ALMOST SHOCKED! BUT I QUIETLY SAID “Well, that's too bad. I'll just take my business and money else-where then.” and I walked, calmly, out of the store, through Target and to the truck. To be honest, I actually was in a bit of a “shock”! (Never-the-less, the incident has been documented and I've since sent a most terse message to the company AND posted the notice, verbatim, on “TrustPilot”...) WOW! The fucking insanity! Shame too, because they had those “Adirondack” patches that I've wanted for so long... oh well. Fukkem! Let's see what kind of reply I get from the company. If there's a “freebie”, I'll accept and then they can go shove their fucking business up their collective arses... with blood-letting. I'm fucking INSULTED! OK... fine... over to Bed, Bath and Beyond for a browse... NO ROBES THERE EITHER... except a skimpy few in “velour”. No prob... BUT... I'd be DAMNED if I was going to make that trip for nothing but weather-stripping so... BACK to Walmarde where... I got the 20$ toaster oven, a canvass (which I took out of the package to make sure it didn't have any seams... and just now re-checking... to prep for washing... nope... no seams... YAY!) and a bottle of “Sea Foam” to put into the lawn mower when I go to “mulch” the yard. WELL! The laugh? I went through the self-check and had to get “Authorisation” for the Sea Foam! The young woman who came to “authorise” whispered “Don't go huffin' it now.” The very notion tickled me to no end and we LAUGHED about the shit these kids will snort to get high these days. It was a delight! And MUCH-needed too, after the “Bookburgh” bull-shit. - OK! Adventure and journey and shopping DONE and I HAD A TOASTER OVEN! (What a savings in electric that should bring... especially for after-noon tea and toast!) I was quite happy... so off to Mobil for gas. ANOTHER THRILL! I LITERALLY HAD TO FORCE 9$ INTO THE TANK TO FILL IT! It was almost full when I left but I'd gone into town on what was in there since. 9$ and FULL! I could hardly believe it! I was expecting at least 20$! ON TO THE NORTHWAY AND AWAY!!! The drive back was most delightful and I'd planned to stop at Westport (Heaven help me) to fill the tank again (since I can afford it at present and the wet season is coming and I don't want “condensation” in the line). At Westport... even at 22 fuck cents per gallon MORE, bloody thieves, I had to FORCE another 5$ into the tank! (I felt grand, buying only 5$ from them.) So... the actual cost of a trip to Plattsburgh is only but about 10$ in gas! Mileage is SUPER in that old truck! I was TICKLED! And so... back home I came and walked into the house at about 16.20! Plenty of time to un-pack the new toaster oven (for which I now have to figure a space, and, of course, the WHOLE DAMNED THING GETS SO HOT THAT I NEED TO FIND SPACE AWAY FROM WALLS AND SUCH BUT... 20$, I CAN'T BITCH), and I tossed the left-over rice into the cheap pot, with the last of the 4 eggs and... MEAL! WOW! And it was FILLING! (So much so that I just realised... I didn't even have my ice cream after and I don't want any. Indeed!) - All said and done... QUITE the day! Eh? Eh! - Now... received a “text” from Theresa today. At 11.51 “I've been so busy but have been thinking of you. Justin is in surgery for an appendectomy.” Yes, I got it before I left... but waited until I returned to respond. I phoned... got her voice mail... didn't bother to leave a message... at 16.19. I was prepping dinner and setting-up my toaster-oven. Then, at 12.53 she'd sent “Surgery went well. It was a laparoscopic surgery and he can go home tonight or tomorrow”. At 20.22 I tried to call again... voice-mail... I left no message. (Honestly, I'm sick of all this “text” bull-shit. When we talk, I can do some-thing else. But for “text”, I feel I'm expected to stop every-thing to tap letters and shit and well... FUCK THAT!) So, again, I left no message. You can take the time to tap shit... you can tap a number and call. Other-wise... it's not really all that important. My opinion. Fuck it. - So, of course, by 18.00, washing-up was done, the kitchen was settled... even with a place for the toaster-oven. I watched a bit of “OAN” news, caught-up with “Twtr” and rand Donna. And now... at 21.55, have finished my v-ton, (am considering another “light”), have had a “halfie” as I type and am hoping to soon, get into bed for a night of SLEEP! I've taken the Naproxen for the blood-thinning (which seems to be of help with the chest and contractions) and had the v-ton to help the “sleep” along. - Tomorrow? WINDOWS... the bed-room will be “sealed for the Winter”... wash the windows, seal them up. I still have to find the “cold draft” but... And the furnace has been set at 68F and is just kicking-up again. I'll turn it down before heading into bed. It's not “cold” in here, but there's still that “Autumnal damp chill” and I don't want that for bed tonight. I've got the afghan on the bed as it is. - WHAT a DAY! I mean... WHAT a DAY! And, to be honest, mostly good. - Oddly, as I was driving along out of E-town this evening, I couldn't help but think: AT LONG LONG LONG LAST... THE TRUCK IS 100% FINE... PAID FOR, REPAIRED, INSPECTED, INSURED... MY RENT IS PAID, ELECTRIC, INTERNET, GAS... THERE'S A FEW DOLLARS IN THE BANQUE. THIS MONTH'S BILLS, RENT AND ALL, HAVE BEEN BUDGETED OUT OF THE ACCOUNT FOR PAYMENT AT MONTH'S END... THERE'S MONEY COMING IN FRIDAY... THERE'S OIL IN THE TANK FOR HEAT... I'VE FINALLY... AFTER JUST OVER A YEAR... RETURNED TO “SETTLED”... ALL IS WELL... TOO WELL... TOO GOOD... TOO FINE... No doubt, this “thing” in my lungs will take me out... probably in a few months' time. Well? I used to say “I'm going home to die!” I used to revel in notions of “a little place in the Adirondacks when I get old”. I used to enjoy the notion of being in “The North Country”... It's all here... now. Mother went through 21 years of Hell to get about 10 years of her own “Heaven” and it was snatched-away from her when she was enjoying it most. Even with the pee-oh bull-shit, I'm actually in my little “Heaven”... truly, I AM “living the dream”, as Alden put it... I don't expect 10 years... FUCK ME... I don't expect FIVE! And even as rough as it was, coming here, trying to get even the basics for comfort... it's already been just over the first year... some-how... it's all about to be RIPPED from me... one way or another. I'm having a second v-ton... light... and some crisps... another smoke, as the furnace stops, the house is warm... Just because the rent is paid through November at this point... NOTHING is guaranteed through the night... never mind... tomorrow. - It was a delightful day. It actually was. - 24.22 The furnace just kicked and it's been an “interesting” eve on soc.med... in Spanish too. Oh well. 2 v-tons and a Naproxen. Let's see how this turns out. (I have to wash the canvas in the morning.)
Mon.05.Oct: 8.24 and I literally had to DRAG me out of the bed this morning! Yeah... “Fun” last night with the v-tons and soc.med. BUT... this morning... not so much. And in about a half hour, I have that “Webinar” on “Medicare Advantage” for an hour. (Hopefully, no cameras. I doubt I'll “photograph” well this morning.) But I DID manage to wash and hang yesterday's canvas. It's on the line on the back porch. Will it dry today? Anybody's guess is as good as anybody's. But it's washed. OH! Did it smell terrible! But I recall, the others did as well... and they required a couple of washings so... Now, I have to find the thread. I KNOW I don't have enough here for it. Ah... something else to “search” for. Fuck. - But I did manage to sleep through the night last, so that's good. Was up at about 5.00 again, this morning. Only for a moment. I mean, seriously... 5 hours of “sleep”? NO! So here we are... “Webinar” from 9-10.00 and, hopefully, the stamina to do the bed-room windows... not that there's a particular madness to a rush. But I'd like to get them done... considering I don't open them any-way (until I get them sealed and we get hit with “Indian Summer” and.. well... what-ever). - First coffee down, second in the beaker at hand and away we go. - It's not all that cold out there this morning (but the fucking furnace just kicked in). On Friday, if I get paid from FamDoll and there's enough in the account, I'm ringing Hance to ask them to have a look-see at the furnace. It runs for a small eternity to warm the place and that's going to cost me in fuel and electric... and that business of the hot water when Ms. Suze departed service... I'm annoyed, to say the very least. (Not to mention the clearance of October's rent cheque... on the first... ON the first. Imagine that. I still wonder about that... “Need” the money, do they? What-the-fuck-ever.) - Let's move along here.... the clock and the day most certainly are. - 9.32 “Webinar” was nothing but a sales-pitch... no “Help and Support” or suggestions/recommendations. Just sales... SO? That ended that. But I got to see a “Webinar”. Big whoop. Now? On to the loo, finish morning coffee and... WINDOWS (Bed-room... not 10... just 2.) - 15.53 JUST NOW FINISHED WITH THE “SEALING OF THE BED-ROOM WINDOWS! STARTED AT ABOUT 11.30! Took the curtains down, WASHED and HOOVERED and WEATHER-STRIPPED AND TAPED the windows (hopefully no drafts, breezes, whistles this Winter... as if I'll be alive through it) and put the plastic up... MUCH neater than last year, I must say. Then, put the curtains back up (no laundering, sorry, not sorry) and Hoovered the room. THEN, put the “Bionaire” fan back into the box (leave it to me... “storage”), Hoovered the house, put all the tabs, and tapes and shit away. - *** FUNNY NOTE: I WAS ON THE PORCH, HAVING A HALF-SMOKE, WHEN SOME GUY COMES WALKING ONTO THE PORCH... GOING TO THE PEE-OH. I said, almost “curtly” ... “The post office is over there.” I was annoyed... but he took it in stride. A guy “from the camp”... Lincoln Pond... WELL! He started to go to the pee-oh and I said “She's closed.” He needed a stamp. WELL! AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT... I SOLD HIM A STAMP! (75-CENTS... HE WOULDN'T TAKE THE 20-CENTS... I OFFERED!!!) SO... he's from Brooklyn. Jewish. Met his wife when he was 15... she's from down round Glens Falls! He used to drive from Levittown to see her... as he said, “We're looking in the mirror.” Commonalities. I believe he said he's 64 or 68. Any-way... we were almost driving along the Northway at the same time! So we got talking about the PO, The City, living up here... he now lives down round Glens Falls and “Summers” up here. They'll be leaving in 2 weeks. But how charming... AND... I've got 3 more quarters to add to the 3$ in the truck. Lovely. Charming... - AN ENTIRE DAY!!! - And the window is sealed... “Winter”. - Tonight's “meal”? Pasta, black beans. I'm in no mood to go to market now. - And it turned-out to be rather comfy-warmish, though very little sun (“Winter”). The doors are open now. Francis Cabrel singing in the living-room. The canvas is almost dry on the line and... the day is... DONE, as far as I'm concerned. - Post today? A “reminder” of the bill for the x-ray/CT. I'll pay it (probably) on Friday... IF I get more money from FamDoll. I'm not worried about it. - I'm almost quite tired. No “snooze” today! - 18.58 September 2020 is complete on-line (both) and October 2020 has begun! AT LAST! Now... I'll just go through photos to add to “The Site” ... tomorrow. Tonight? I rang Donna to check on her Little Mr. Kitty (I can't, for some reason, remember his name... it has to do with the show “M.A.S.H.”... “Gunner” is the dog... I'll think of the cat's name... probably in the middle of the night) and as we were talking, Dorothy called her so she's calling Dorothy back and says she'll call me later. I might be in bed because, right now, I'm TIRED! My chest is “heavy” tonight. Having a hot water. Pasta, black beans, ice cream for “meal”. But I really am rather tired. - The canvas is in, on the rack, by the heat register in the living-room. The thermostat up to 70F for a little, even though it's not “cold” in or out this evening. (I'm just tired.) I want to take a quick shower before bed, after all that climbing and taping and such with the window... I DON'T want to take a shower because of the hot water Ms. Suze took. And there was a LOT of water running in that fucking pee-oh this morning! (I NEED to figure out how to cut them off!) - I'm also aggravated with the fucking stove. Had to REALLY SHAKE the one burner tonight. (Damned shame, but I “lost” that really nice looking one on Crgslst from a couple of weeks ago... still, as I thought this evening: I DON'T KNOW HOW I'D GET A STOVE OFF THE TRUCK AND INTO THE HOUSE! I LITERALLY HAVE *NO* ONE TO LEND A HAND! Oh well... We shall see.) - And so, Journals are posted. Just a matter of time now... but I doubt more than an hour. There's really nothing for tomorrow's agenda but... I want to get to bed. - 22.52 Got caught-up in “GadgetMan” videos and now... in the warmth that is the house... there'll be no shower tonight... I'm off to bed! -
Tue.06.Oct: 17.50 How depressing... Meal at table at 17.00... ALL of the dishes are back where they were, the kitchen is settled. Start to finish... And as for “meal”? YUGE MISTAKE... steaks. I stepped out, went to FamDoll for smokes, another candle... fun chat with all there and then to Tops for a pizza, eggs, butter, the 4 little steaks (for 5$) and was back by about 16.00 to slice green tomatoes that were dipped in a batter and fried in the “Teflon” sauce pan. MORE DEPRESSING? The few tiny beets from the garden are now “compost”... they'd gone soft. The tomatoes? 3 slices... the tomatoes had gone BLACK down the stem-line. WHAT a fucking waste... the garden. About a dozen tomatoes, 5 or 6 portions of beans (most in the freezer), the basil is 3 plants in the living-room window... the parsley is in the living-room as well. ONE serving of potatoes. WHAT a fucking fucking waste of time... and money. Bull-shit! Looks like “next round” (IF there's to be one) will require soil, augments, and... what-the-fuck-ever. Fucking sad. AND... that garlic that Alden gave me last Summer... It'd been in the “St-Hubert's” glass in the kitchen but I'd moved it to the drawing room and into the sun... TWO cloves SPROUTED! SO... they're now in soil in yoghurt containers. We shall see. - So for now, the day is done, nothing “accomplished” with it. It's been so cold in the house and actually got to 20° out there. - The “Flex Tape” isn't due until the 17th now... It's in Rensselaer today... FedEx is a fuk-up. So THAT pushed the work on the truck closer to Winter. I'm just pissed. - A shower was pondered for tonight before bed... I don't see that happening. BUT the propane isn't quite down to 70% so that's good news. - In other news... Donna phoned to say she was going to get her little bit from the vet today. I'll have to give a ring in a little while before bed. And “bed” will be coming soon tonight. There's nothing on the agenda for “evening activities” so... - And tomorrow's forecast: rain. How charming... shit. - 21.59 Well... I ordered the black ink for the printer... balanced my accounts... spoke with Donna (Trapper isn't eating and won't take his meds... and tomorrow she goes for “PRE-OP” for her other eye!!!). Got lost “shopping” for readers and learnt that NY won't allow 3.00 readers to be sold! FUCK ME! I have to go to VT for readers! FUCK FUCK FUCK! No wonder I can't find any in the stores... AND... I CAN'T ORDER THEM ON-LINE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! SO... Now I'm later than I wanted to be. And to think... I LITERALLY FELL ASLEEP SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH THE NEWS ON AT ABOUT 18.45... FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES! OK Oh well... FINE. At least I got the ink ordered. And now... for tomorrow? Nothing. - The sales this week at Tops are great! HOPEFULLY they'll still have SOME items on Friday when FS come in? HAH! FUCK ME, no doubt. Oh I need to stop the whining. - Thankfully, thus far, “meal” is settling OK. There's that much. - No shower, to be sure. But then again... no need. - Just checked the “FlexTape”... left Rensselaer at 20.41 this evening... expected delivery... NEXT TUESDAY!!! A WEEK TO GET FROM RENSSELAER TO NEW RUSSIA!!! I COULD FUCKING DRIVE IT IN ABOUT 2 HOURS! WELL... I've learnt another lesson... FlexTape can fuck-off. 75$ and a month to wait for receipt? It had better be in 100% PERFECT CONDITION! - Anyway... time to wrap this day and night up. - Oh... and am I pissed... I missed a beautiful stove for 150$ on Crgslst. All they have is shit now... (and I'm almost at one burner... I'm about to toss the damned shit into the garage, built a cabinet and get one of those olde-tyme burners like I had in Rockaway!) - 22.27 Carried away... Hotplates... OK... DONE! Fuck!
Wed.07.Oct: 8.44 And I woke, of my own, at about 7.30... up and out of bed and coffee, and loo, and dressed and just in from clipping and sweeping the “Cypress vines” from the front porch (as the Amish came a-clopping down the main... poor horse, on pavement... and I can't help but resent that they cleared-out ALL of the useful materials from the back of FamDoll before WE had the chance to take what WE worked to put there... but... never mind). And the note-du-matin: Suspended, yet again, on another Twtr. I'm suspecting it's because I “re-posted” too much “news” about deBlasio, making some sort of flamboyant stand in front of City Hall, waving his face mask, donning it and then, quite literally, “sashaying”, as it were, butt a-swaying, into the building... ON CAMERA! Oh... I truly am so glad to be away from there... and not being “ass”ociated with the place and the politics. As I say, regularly, on-line: I've “NO HOME-SICKNESS” for “The City”. What's there today is NOTHING even remotely similar to The City I lived, worked, resided, played in. “You can't go back”... there's nothing to “go back” to. Alas.. I'll suppose that this is what “growing old” means. - Well; there's a “Warning” on today's météo... “VENT!”. Seems we're in for quite the blast today. (Tomorrow night's low: 1°.) Rains to come in a couple of hours and remain through the day... with the “vents”. It appears there's not much that can be done with the day out-of-doors. And I've had the furnace up for a touch, to remove the “damp-chill” of morning. That's done with. - Agenda? I'm not really sure. But alas, as usual, I'll find some-thing to pass the time... even if it's going back to bed, or snoozes on the futon. Well, at least the front porch looks nice. - I'll look into hot-plates again. I'll need at least TWO burners, come the “hot meals” weather. This is a fucking shit... One aspect of another stove is: Chances are I'll have assistance getting one onto the truck... but what then, when I get it here? Getting it out of the truck AND into the house! What, indeed, then? The ONLY person I can think of, locally, who's of any strength and stability is “Sean”, across the road... and I wouldn't ask... I just wouldn't. Not even Julius, bless the little fellow. So? So... A “hot-plate” appears to be the only solution. Then again, should I ever remove from here, at least I won't have to leave it behind... for some-body else. (And should I die here... it won't matter any-way.) - And so are the thoughts of another day... - And there are “photos” to be added to October's journal. And I need to find ye olde “party balloons”... I'd like to work with a papier maché some-thing. It's interesting: can't find terry bath-robes, can't find balloons... can't find so much that used to be so common. The world is a useless place. - 18.49 SNOOZE before I fall asleep at table again. THANKFULLY, THE KITCHEN WINDOW IS SEALED! - 21.11 OK... Had a 30-minute snooze (and could have stayed on the futon, it was so comfy). - Got up, put on some hot water and rang Donna. Trapper's no better than he was in the beginning. I'm heart-sick, and so is Donna. But as we were talking she told of a story about the old man having an old beater that back-fired and spewed black smoke. Her story was so funny (but I couldn't enjoy it because, well... it was “him”). So I told her my story about the old Datsun and she was amazed: father and son... and I said “Yeah. The son he disowned and hated so much.” She just said “I know he had regrets. Y'can't let it get to you.” I don't. - Any way, before I forget to note...
THE FUCKING BILL FOR THE E.R. CAME TODAY!!!! THE TOTAL: ***** 5.113,00 ***** !!!!! “AMOUNT PAID BY INSURANCE: 1.237,89 - INSURANCE CONTRACTUAL ADJUSTMENT: 3.006,95 - DUE FROM PATIENT: 868,16 ***** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? MEDICARE “O/P” (OUT-PATIENT, NO DOUBT) PAID 1.237,89 OUT OF 5.113,00. I'VE NO IDEA WHAT THE “ADJUSTMENT” IS. BUT ALMOST 900,00$? FOR WHAT? AND, THE BILL DATE: “September 22, 2020. WHAT? FOURTEEN FUCKING DAYS TO GET THE BILL? NO MATTER. I DO NOT THINK SO! I'LL BE CALLING FOR SOME PAPER-WORK TOMORROW AND THEN, EVEN AS DONNA SUGGESTED, WILL PROBABLY SEND THEM A “FINANCIAL STATEMENT” OF MY ACCOUNTS WITH A “SORRY, NO CAN PAY.” NOTE. (IF THEY PUSH, THEY'LL HAVE TO TAKE, AS PER Ms, MACK OF “COLLECTIONS”, 5$/MONTH. FUCK ME! (I'LL BE DEAD LONG BEFORE IT'S PAID ANY-WAY.) BUT I WANT THE PAPER-WORK AND COPIES OF THE X-RAY AND CT SCAN. I MEAN, REALLY... JUST SEND ME A BIULL WITH NO EXPLANATIONS? FUCK-THE-FUCK OFF! ***** I'M NOT LETTING IT GET TO ME. I DON'T DO THAT SHIT ANY MORE THESE DAYS. THEY CAN'T GET WHAT I DON'T HAVE AND THEY CAN'T GO AFTER THE SOC.SEC. (AND I'LL SEND THE BILL TO THE WHITE HOUSE ANYWAY.) SO... THERE WE HAVE IT. (OR, THERE'S THE OPTION OF PAYING THE BALANCE OF MY DEDUCTIBLE THIS MONTH AND LET MEDICAID COVER THE REST. OPTIONS... WE SHALL SEE.)
MEAN-WHILE... THE WIND IS BLASTING OUT THERE TONIGHT!!! ACCORDING TO MÉTÉO, 28kmh with “rafales” of 42kmh (according to “Mesonet” in North Hudson, it's only 15mph and 12mph respectively, but Météo is more like it). I HAD TO BRING THE CHAIR IN AND LATCH THE SCREEN DOOR. *** BUT *** THE GRAND NEWS ***: THE PLASTIC ON THE KITCHEN WINDOW IS MAKING SUCH A DIFFERENCE! NOT A BIT OF A DRAFT COMING IN! *** SAD NEWS? THE FUCKING LOO WINDOW NEEDS CAULKING! SHIT! MORE MONEY TO PISS AWAY ON THIS SHACK. (But I have to be fair... or not... the rent's cheap and I'm smoking in the kitchen so... FUKKEMALL! Though I WILL have to buy that hot-plate for cooking... with this shit stove and no assistance.) I'M JUST GLAD THE PLASTIC ON THE KITCHEN WINDOW IS WORKING. I JUST HOPE IT LASTS THROUGH THE WINTER (not that I expect ME to last through the Winter.) - AND “MEAL”... I cut the 2 little steaks into cubes, browned the in flour in the Walmarde sauce-pan, tossed in a back of “stew mix”ok veggies, some water, and simmered for about 2 hours. BEEF STEW FOR MEAL AND IT WAS WONDERFUL! MUST REMEMBER TO MAKE MORE OF THAT! Finished the bread with, so I'll have to bake again this week. But that's fine... COLD is coming! - And so, once again, going to “too late to bed” and no shower. The bed-sheets need washing any-way so I'll probably do that tomorrow... and shower then. Friday is FS and “FamDoll” pay-day so there'll be travel I should think (hope). And there's a bit of money in the VT account so... I'm having one more hot water before bed. The furnace was up to warm the place nicely (before the electric goes out, which I expect to happen over night with all this wind). AND... as I type, I can hear a “whistle”, probably the loo window, and the front windows and the door are “moving” a touch. 'tis about to be an “interesting” sort of night. Oh well... - And so, another day comes to a close. But... I'M SO GLAD I GOT THAT KITCHEN WINDOW SEALED. Feeling GOOOOD about THAT! To be sure. - 22.48 Tomorrow's HIGH... 9°... and there are -3° coming! Saturday? 20°! Somebody's trying to kill somebody! Me? Now? Quite warm and heading for bedding! (Too much soc.med. again.)
Thu.08.Oct: 8.44 and here we are... 6° and sun-shine with “gentle breezes” on the out-side, a taped loo window, having 2nd coffee, re-filled the bird feeder out back, checked the taped-and-sealed kitchen window (it held against last night's barrage), and the fucking furnace running like oil is free and blowing almost not-at-all. Anxieties about tomorrow's anticipated “pay-day”, the “ER bill”, and the “FlexTape” that would be wonderful to have when the temperature soars to 20°... on Saturday, of course and won't be here... before temperatures drop to -1. AND... having to call “Hance” to come check the furnace, which shouldn't be MY responsibility, but obviously is. Oh well... Mean-while, breathing is an effort. But I'll attribute most of that to my own anxieties (knowing that there's some-thing “else” causing it). - Woke at about 5.30 and then again at 6.00 and didn't get out of bed until 7.00. And had a rather “odd” dream:
Living in a shanty-sort of “country” place, with the “cousins” (non-specific, but “Donna, Dorothy, Debbie, Brian sort of). A group of about 4 or 5 guys appeared out of no-where... from QC. Gruff sorts. Their vehicle had broken-down and they'd come for assistance, but had “established” them-selves at the house. They spoke little English and I was expected to be the “communicator/translator” as it were. They talked about cars, engines and terms I didn't know in French and I was happy they were around and yet, uncomfortable. And, at one point, I asked how they'd crossed the border into The States and got a rather “secretive, dodging, non-specific reply” that never actually answered the question. Then, off in a field of sorts, beside the house, a MASSIVE group of others, also from QC, appeared. They were more like “circus” people. Strange costumes. Two, in particular, were “larger-than-life”, “clowns” of a sort, excessive make-up, fake bouffant hair. They were loud, almost obnoxious. They settled-in on the property like a roving band of un-wanted gypsies. And they spoke no English. They were some-how associated with the guys with the broken vehicle. The dream was mostly in French, broken and certainly not correct. At one point, we were gathered in the living-room of the house, the “cousins”, the guys, some of the “circus” and I made a comment about some-thing, throwing in a “Tabarnouche” and a “Mard...i...soir” to catch a bit of a string of “jurons” and was glared at by the “circus folk” who obviously disapproved of such language.
I don't remember most of the dream, but it wasn't “horrible”, and yet, it was disturbing. I was thankful to have woken out of it. I wonder what brought THAT on. - Lights went out at mid-night last, after some reading of “Emperor of all Maladies”. I DO think I need to find another reading before bed. As fascinating as this book was/is, I'm some-how not in a grand mind-set to be reading it. It's not “disturbing” me but it's certainly not “pre-sleep” reading these days. - As for today? This day? Well... I'll drop into the cellar to check the oil situation. I DREAD doing because the furnace isn't blowing air properly and I've a fear that it's using a HELL OF A LOT OF OIL! If I get too “anxious”, I need to bake more bread at some point. Good in the colder weather. I really could use a robe in the morning and might look for one (with the 80 left to my name at present... so early in the month). Then there's the “hot-plate” situation. There's the call to the hospital for an “itemised” bill and the aggravation (un-necessary as that is) associated with that. - Stupid of me, really, today... this anxiety and the likes. I can't seem to shake it off, for some reason, in spite of knowing, full-well, that NONE of it is sanely-founded nor necessary. Just “one of those days”. - And there are balloons in the house and some old news-paper to make a “mask/head/face” thing. “Hobby shit”. - A great deal of all this being ill-at-ease is due to the cold to come. But there's “HEAP” coming mid-November, and the nice lady at the “Seniors' Line” who assured that there are “emergency funds” available, possibly 2 this year, if fuel levels and money drop. And I can settle the entire ER bill with 180$ and Medicaid covering the rest. Solutions to ALL are at hand... but my insides roll and roar... and the fucking furnace starts again. I'm not quite yet “psychotic”... but my brain is reeling toward forcing me into it this morning. - Just another day. - And the pee-oh is opening. Now THERE'S MORE SHIT in the morn. - Oh... and the bed linens should be washed. Me too. - 10.46 The “Wandering Jew” has been re-potted, the geraniums have been “cleaned”... took all the dead leaves off to allow for the new leaves (which are appearing) to breathe and get “light” (as much/little as there is) and all have been watered and I had NO intention of doing any of that. - Checked the oil before that distraction. DOWN ALMOST A QUARTER TANK ALREADY! I MEAN... *FUCKING-REALLY*! Hopefully, tomorrow will bring income and I can call for a “maintenance”... Now I'm trying to decided: Hance, Avery, Alden? Ah, some-thing else to distract me from the difficulty breathing and the discomfort and what almost feels like a touch of a “cold” coming or allergies. Who knows? Who cares? What-ever. - And “107 l'Estrie” chats in the living-room. So much for the morn. - 15.32 Well, had an hour's lie-down, had some oatmeal and ginger tea. Looked for a bath-robe... Got pissed-off trying to contact FedEx (and have blasted their web-site). And the day's almost gone. Thankfully, the furnace hasn't been up too often. (I'll phone SOME-BODY tomorrow about it.) And that's about that for this. I'm weary... just weary. - 21.12 Just off the phone with Donna and... another day is done. - GOOD NEWS: FamDoll pay-roll is on the account for release tomorrow morning! Another 400$ and some, bringing 500 to the account! YAY! (But of course, I'll call to have the furnace fixed and that'll be pissed away before it settles... unless I call Alden, which I might do anyway because... I don't feel obligated to fix HIS furnace, for fux sake). AND... FS come tomorrow too... FOOD SHOPPING! Tonight I devoured a pizza and had “condensed milk” for “dessert”. Calories. - The kitchen window seal is holding up and other than that? A complete bust. - No shower tonight because linens on the line tomorrow. “twill be a busy sort of day to be sure... wash, shopping... but good... I need to keep busy. - It wasn't all that cold today, thankfully, and the furnace (which is just now kicking up for the first time since earlier this after-noon) didn't run too much/often. But tonight is expected to be 0/-2 by 6.00 in the morning, high of 14° and then, Saturday... 22! (Sunday... high of 10 again). Yeah, the furnace needs to be attended. But... it's good to know that there's some money in the banque now for oil this month... I NEED to KEEP what I can because, HEAP won't come until the end of November (which is, amazingly... next month... 3 weeks away! SHIT!). - Well then OK then... time to get into bed. Perhaps a bit of reading... we shall see. I was exhausted right after meal and yet... here again... after 21.00. But let's make the Official Sign-off... 21.21 as it is and face tomorrow when/if we must.
Fri.09.Oct: 6.48 Up at 4.30... stayed in bed until 5.15. Up, coffee, linens in on the soak. Dressed. Furnace up. It was 1°/-1° at the time. And now, the furnace has kicked-up for the third time, set at about 64F. NOT HAPPY this morning, to be sure. Off to the loo. Washed the linens. They're on the line and the cases are on the rack on the back porch. The sun hasn't risen yet, but the day is in “full roll”. - And me? Well, woke with a chest FULL of “cement”, as it were, but it's clearing with the brisk, fresh, morning air. I could truly use a good shower tonight, before bed. (I could use one right now, to be honest, but I can't see the sense. Imagine that: can't see the sense in having a needed shower.) I'm “annoyed” this morning, with the furnace, the light at the pee-oh that goes on (again) with every passing vehicle. Annoyed with the hospital bill. Just annoyed. Annoyed with money in the banque that could just go out the windows even now... a stove, for one thing. I'm annoyed with the absence of responsibility for such items as furnace and stove... and a mower that almost doesn't work. (THAT, I'll stop at the banque whilst out, get the 40$ and give it to Jeff... use the fucking shit for what it's worth and then... get rid of it some-how.) It's just “one of those mornings” I suppose. Ah... at the rate health is going... there's really no logical sense in being bothered and surely, as time moves, I'll just “move beyond it”. - I SHOULD make bread today. I SHOULD get food too. There are “shoulds” and to be honest, what gets done will be done and what doesn't... well... it won't. - Monday is “Thanksgiving/Columbus Day”. BFD, as it were. Oh well. At least I've got coffee... and enough of that to get me through to January. Imagine... January... 2021... fucking “time”, I telllya. - And so... off we go... To? Where/what/when/how/which/when/why-ever. Fukkit. (What a lovely way to start a day.) And tomorrow? The forecast is still for 22°. But a bit of rain... and then... back to our regularly-scheduled Autumn, already in progress. Fukkit! - 8.53 Just in from a smoke and emptying the coffee press in the “garden” and... MY SHEETS AND PILOW CASES ARE FROZEN. Ah... sweet memories of Montréal. - On with the day... for which I have little-to-no interest, to be honest. At least “radio l'Estrie” is on. - 9.19 And 210 on FS this morning. FOOD! Imagine that. - Now... perhaps time for a snooze? (My stomach is “gassy” this morning. The “beef” from Tops? I shouldn't doubt it.) And... the pee-oh is banging. The day is shot. (I need to make bread.) - 16.52 Chicken in the oven. Rice in the pot on the stove. A meat-loaf in the fridge. 6 burgers and 4 pieces of chicken in the freezer with 2 containers of ice cream, 2 pizzas and some frozen “stir fry” veggies. A large bag of rice, 3 tins of mushroom soup and 2 packs of smokes in the cup-board... I left at about 13.30 and... FamDoll, Tops (where I bumped into Jeff and we chatted in the “frozen foods” aisle for a bit) and... AND... back home to prep the chicken, make the meat-loaf and the patties, put “meal” on to cook and am JUST getting to sit down, JUST in time to have “meal”! It's been, literally, non-stop since I walked out the door. AND... speaking of doors... BOTH are open, and this morning's frozen linens are dry! (And tomorrow's supposed to be even WARMER! I'VE GOT THE FURNACE TURNED OFF!!! YAY!) - AND... I spoke, at length, with Alden, about said furnace and he rang “Hance” who said they'll be here “in a couple of days” (figures... jack-asses). AND Alden's son has been past the house and reported on the “metal roof” on the cellar shed. AND, Alden repeated that I'm the first to pay the rent every month and he's told the Mrs. to be sure to deposit the cheque hastily because he knows I watch for it to clear. WELL!!! And no further mention of the stove. So??? It seems I'll be shelling-out about 50-60$ for a “hot-plate” thingie. Well, that's cheaper than 150 for a stove AND I don't have to haul it into the house. So I suppose it's the best bet yet. (I'll have to figure some-thing to cover the stove-top and turn it into counter. Just need some-thing “heat-proof”... I'll ponder.) - But for now... Alvin's mowing, the hamlet's in “rush hour” and I'm about to DINE! - Quite the lovely day. (Fucking shame I don't have the “Flex-Fucking Tape”.) - 24.01 Interesting night on Twtr but there's fresh linens on the the bed. I'm 3 v-tons in and there's a “clean up” at 9.00 in the morning. Fukkem. I'm tired.
Sat.10.Oct:
FOR A STEADY, SOLID 10 MINUTES OR LONGER, A CONSTANT THUNDER-ROLL AS DARK CLOUDS MADE THEIR WAY OVER THE MOUNTAINS FROM KEENE! HONESTLY... THERE WASN'T A MOMENT'S SILENCE THROUGH THE ENTIRE EPISODE! I TOOK A COUPLE OF 30-SECOND VIDEOS OF IT. JUST AMAZING. (A woman named “Karen” stopped to fetch her mail and take her dog for a walk and told of “GOLF-BALL-SIZED HAIL IN KEENE AT THE TIME! AND NOW, AS I TYPE, THE LIGHTS FLICKER, AS WOULD BE EXPECTED, A HEAVY RAIN IS JUST SLOWING-DOWN. THE WIND WAS QUITE STRONG AND THE TEMPERATURE IS, AS EXPECTED, BEGINNING TO DROP. I'VE A FEELING WE'RE IN FOR QUITE A ROUGH NIGHT AHEAD.
In other news... Hance DID, I believe, change the motor or some apparatus on the furnace. Either than or they just REALLY cleaned the old one up quite impressively. IF it makes any difference is to be seen. Thankfully, the turning the furnace on and off and on and off didn't used much oil. It's still down about a quarter tank so there's enough in there so as not to panic. (I seriously wonder if I'll be “around” for “HEAP Season” to begin this year.) Anyway, at least the furnace has been “checked”. And I managed to dodge having to see/speak with anybody... ALL day. How nice is that? - And again, I'm just going to note that it's been a particularly “heavy” day in the chest, lung and breathing. BUT, coughs aren't rattling, nor is breathing, and the mucus that comes up is the usual, off-colour and nothing “new”. I just wish I could figure the “odd taste” in my mouth... a bit “metallic” and a bit “bloody”. Not really the “symptoms” associated with CA-Lung... more along the lines of upper respiratory infection. Ah... but the geniuses at the ER didn't come up with that, not even as a possibility. “Vertigo”... “inner ear”. Morons. Oh well. It just reminds me of Peninsula, Nurse Jim... who noticed that I was in to “rule out” Thrombocytopenia, and yet, given a standing order for Heparin injections. Then comes to tell me that they'd put me on IV steroids which had to be titred-down and yet, they were working on simply pulling them out and discharging me. Yeah... and I should be expected to have ANY confidence in ANY so-called “Health Care Professionals”. They're more likely to kill... discharge and kill, after subjecting the “patient” to all sorts of bull-shit-fuckeries. Oh... life and the world. It truly is as Donna and I were discussing last night: Greed... it's all about the money. Well, too bad I can't phone hospital on Monday... but Tuesday, I'll be sure to do. - Anyway... - 19.05 and as usual, almost ready to head for bed. I want to ring Donna and ask after Trapper before though. My gut tells me that there's no “recovery” for the little critter. But I don't dare to tell her. I can't even discuss road accidents and the likes. “I don't want to hear this.” Fine. But I expect the loss to be very hard on her and she keeps telling me that I'm the only one who expresses any care or concern. Hey, she deserves at least ONE person who'll just listen. - 23.34 Donna rang at about 19.00 and we chatted. Trapper's still not well. I'm glad she called to say. I wanted to call her but... - And now I've spent too much time on-line doing nothing. Have had 2 hot waters and now... off to bed. Tomorrow? Sunday... thankfully. Nobody to come round bothering. Hopefully the weather will be OK. (5° tonight though... we'll see how the furnace works... or not... now.) Not sure what I'll do with the day, but... we shall see... (if I have another day at all).
Sun.11.Oct: 16.43 And I have had an abso-FUCKING-lutely WASTED sun-filled and comfortably warmish day...getting out of bed at 8.30... fucking about for about 3 hours... taking a nap of almost 2 hours, getting up, finishing coffee, having toast, watching “QI”, pondering a trip to... “across the lake” to get readers and flower pots and the likes... even looking up the directions, settling for taking the ferry (at 40 miles as opposed to driving 60), then, taking ANOTHER nap for over an hour and now... pasta is in the pot, the sun is heading for the valley and I'm ready to go back to sleep yet again. Good news? Only 2 cigarettes all day. And my chest feels “OK” for the most, MISERABLE for the rest. Tough day, “health-wise” but WHAT A FUCKING WASTE! I mean... NOTHING... NOTHING AT ALL DONE WITH THE DAY EXCEPT NAP! I'M DISGUSTED! AND... I'M SO DISGUSTED THAT, SINCE THE DAY IS NOW OFFICIALLY HOPELESS... I'm planning on have meal, and shortly after, a shower and going BACK to bed... and IF I wake, at all, tomorrow... well... never even mind. I could easily slip into laying in bed, or on the futon, and just wait to die... eventually. I'm not even hungry at this point... so disgusted with my-self. - 19.07 “Meal” did NOT “settle” well this evening. I had the pasta, had the ice cream, and the washing-up was done by 17.45 and I sat at table, almost ready to vomit it all back up. So I've had a hot water and a Naproxen and we'll see what that does for the night and tomorrow morning. These are not symptoms of “CA-Lung”... but I can't figure out what they ARE symptoms of, other than massive “anxiety”. Very strange, indeed. Odd how the “blood-work” results were all “Wonderful”. And the CT-head showed nothing “abnormal”. I can't help but think of Bob Taylor: MRSA... LOADED with it, and “they” found it by “accident”... and then, when it was too late to do much of anything about it other than... hospice. Oh well. I don't like the discomfort, but I surely HAVE come to “terms” with the potential results. (I'd just like to have about 24-hour's notice... just to make sure the place is “presentable” and easy to “dispose of”. I'd just like that.) - Trying to get in touch with Donna and the calls won't go through for some reason. And when I DO get through to her, after the call, I'll be in the shower and then into the bed. Enough of this day. - It's not really “cold” in the house but it's a touch on the “chilled-damp” side tonight. - Tomorrow, I need to get to market for non-perishables. Maybe Tops... maybe, if I get the balls, Hannaford's... in VT? We'll see. I hate the notion of travel on a “holiday” but... it might be a bit of fun... “fun”... imagine that. The distance isn't any more than Plattsburgh, really, and then the ferry cuts the driving down (and the gas... which is cheaper to replace in VT any-way... certainly not a compensation for the 21,50 for the ferry but...). As I say... it's to be seen. IF I DO get up and feel well-enough early enough... there's nothing else on the agenda. I believe the weather should be OK for travel. Again... to be seen. Right now, I just want to get in touch with Donna and get to bed. My chest is a touch on the “heavy” side (I've also just come in from a “halfie” so that doesn't make it any the better), and there's a bit of “racing” in the pulse. (I remember the “monitor” in the ER: pulse, O2, HR... all “WNL”, though respiration was low... so strange... what-ever it is... “undetectable”... or simply “anxiety”... Psychotic?) - Moving along... ending a completely shit-fucked day. - 19.54 Just off the phone with Donna who'll be taking Trapper to a “hospital” tomorrow. Poor her. - And me? Well, there's a “stone” in my chest (and part of the throat... as usual), and I'm “floating” (as usual). But I'm off to the shower and then to bed. Hopefully the Naproxen will kick-in and do what it's done before. (And it's about the “taste of blood” in the mouth now too.. but that too, is “normal” and “par for the course” of a day. Odd... Donna's vet can't find what's wrong with Trapper and the so-called “medics” here can't discern what's “wrong” with me. I just hope they find the trouble with Trapper... Me? I don't really much care. As I say, I just don't like the “discomfort” and the not knowing “when” and “what” and “when the what” might happen. SO inconvenient!) - Anyway... early to bed and if there's a tomorrow, off and on the road! Readers... READERS (I HOPE!) above all else. And a visit to Home Depot, to be sure, since it's only down the road. And maybe a quick stop at the Goodwill? We shall see. Oh... and cheaper gas. So there. Forecast is for “most sunny”, high of 12°. So it should be a nice day for a travel. (Donna said: “You talked your-self out of it. You don't know how many times I do that.” There... so we have it.) - Off to the shower! (I'm just having another hot water.) - 21.09 The Naproxen appears to be taking hold and it's off to the shower I go!
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Wed.14.Oct: 12.38 Sitting here in “Respiratory Distress” after a “charming” morning of leaving at about 10.30, heading “into the city”... Aubuchon's for more bird seed and a new “tube” feeder for the back porch, hopefully, to keep the “larger” birds away. (The blue jay has been by already... NOT “happy”, but...) The larger feeder is on the front porch with the “old” seed in. Not sure what I'll do with it, but there it is for now. Next... Kinney's for “gauze” bandage for “Little D” and bandaids for me. Then to FamDoll for the “2-roll” package of kitchen roll (got 2 while I was there) and a can of that “Wood” scent “Febreeze” that I'd found at Walmarde Williston (for a bit cheaper). And... back home AFTER (thankfully) the pee-oh had closed! YAY! Noted: when I got to Aubuchon's there was a State Trooper just beyond, had stopped some-body for some reason AND as I left, the Trooper was down by the FamDoll, stopped some-body for some reason. Gee... I wonder what's going on today... on a week-day, after the holiday week-end and as the “tourists” are all but gone. No wonder, no care. - SO... when I got in, I cleaned-out the “cage”, replacing paper towels, food and water, then put the “new” feeder up on the back porch. THEN... TRIED to bandage “Little D's” wing. Ah... that left foot... the leg, is “gone”. Poor little thing. But s/he was rather calm during my attempted bandaging. Sadly, it didn't work. It didn't wrap well (could have been wider) AND my fingers are so dry, chapped and cracked that the gauze kept sticking. Oh well... I tried. I'll just have to let things be and see what comes along. It was sweet though, that s/he was so calm. And all is back to “serenity” in the “droring” room as I type. I have to wonder which one of us will “survive” (as they call it) which other. I'm feeling quite awful today and s/he is... well... we shall see. As I've read, I should give “LD” 2-4 weeks to see where the injuries will lead. If the leg and/or the wing doesn't heal enough, not to mention, 4 weeks will bring us into November and the WINTER COLD... it appears that if s/he survives, I'll have a little birdie round the place... until such time one of us “departs”. Alas... - Been contemplating sending an e-mail to Theresa. Not sure why, really. Just to say, I suppose. I haven't heard much from her any more. I suppose “I was there when needed and now am no longer necessary” and so... that's that... dismissed. Hey... the story of my life, I suppose. - Right now, I should probably have a bite of something, finish the last of this morning's coffee. I need to ring the hospital for an “itemised bill”. I don't really want to be bothered but... and then, perhaps a snooze. Obviously, bed at mid-night is not in my best interest. Got out of bed at about 8.00 and slept through the night last night, so there was sufficient sleep. But the timing is “off” and I'm tired. - Alvin's hung a wash this morning. I have the gas for the mower but don't want to run it with their washing on the line. Will ponder just a “run-through” of fuel and “Sea Foam” at some point later. It's supposed to be “mostly sunny” today, and not so cold (the back door's been open for a while now and the house is “comfortably cool”). We shall, as always, see, when the day is done... day is done... oh when the day is done... - 16.23 Well... the meat-loaf is back in the oven to “heat” and “cook” a touch more. - I've put “weights” in the back of the truck... just as Alvin and Vivian were putting their kayaks in the garage. I asked about the mourning dove and they suggested I go to Chris/Meghan, “They're bird people.” and luckily (for all it's worth) I strolled over and talked with Chris (who was cutting lumber for their barn reno). Says Chris, there IS a place that would take larger birds but, for a mourning dove, they won't take it and the only recommendation is to keep this one in a “shoe-box” and “wait”. He didn't give encouragement nor any real assistance so... We're on our own, together. -
MEAN-WHILE... S/HE IS EATING!!!! FOUND THE LITTLE DISH OF SEEDS AND OBVIOUSLY HAS “TAKEN NOURISHMENT” TODAY BECAUSE THERE ARE SEEDS ABOUT THE CAGE AND THERE ARE FEWER IN THE LITTLE “LID”!!! IT PAID WELL TO GET THAT OTHER BAG OF SEED THIS MORNING! AND I'LL SUPPOSE WATER IS BEING TAKEN AS WELL SO... THAT'S A GRAND SIGHT TO BEHOLD!!! Yes, it's most-likely just “a matter of time”, but at least the little bit is away from danger, doesn't have to go foraging for nourishment. I wish I knew if s/he's in any pain and how to make things better, but, again, at least there's no need to “go” to find food and water, and there's protection from the elements, the night's cold and there's no danger of predators. “Palliative Care”... (as I've just finished “modifying” my own “Living Will” and will print it at some time, probably before bed tonight).
Just rang Donna who just brought Trapper home and she's THRILLED because, as we were talking, he was eating AND I could hear him “talking” in the back-ground! Good “Critter News” today. But she was in a hurry because Dorothy and Danny are there and they're just on their way “out”. Yes, a little disappointing, not being able to talk with her. But she asked about the bird and we got that much said and... done. - And I tried the mower earlier... put some “Sea Foam” in and fresh gas, got 2 “rows” mowed and the damned shit died on me. So? So, I'm fed-up with putting money into this shit and I MIGHT give another try at some point but, for right now... there will be NO MORE INVESTMENT in this “lawn-mowing” bull-shit! I'm NOT spending another cent on it! FUKKIT! I'm at the end, fed-up, done, finished! - On another note: when I'd done talking with Donna, I stepped out to bring the jeans and shirt of this morning's lavage in and had a half-smoke which sent my head reeling and my chest into “sharp” pains. Smoking, it seems, is OUT! There are 2 packs with the “7” cigarettes in each and I'll keep them on-hand for... but as for getting more at any time in future... not likely. It's no longer a matter of “health and longevity” but a matter of pain and discomfort. Death isn't an issue... Dying is the issue. (I wonder who'll last longer, me or the little bird. I hope it's me, so I won't have to “worry” about what happens to the bird when I'm gone.) - Oh... brought the “garden cart” to the back porch today too. The front porch is empty now, save the “flower boxes”. That's another little “chore” done on a list of today's chores that didn't exist. - And now... to “meal”, and then to... bed... eventually. And after that? We don't know... and we really can't care. - 16.44
THE MOURNING DOVE IS A MRS. JUST CHECKED. HEART-BREAKING... THEY MATE FOR LIFE SO SOME-WHERE THERE'S A MR. OUT THERE AND SHE'S IN HERE. AH... SO IT'S JUST THE 2 OF US NOW... 'MATED”, AS IT WERE. THE SWEET-HEART. WELL? I'LL DO MY BEST... INDEED, I WILL.
- The meat's done, the rice is on to re-heat. - 22.38 Well... had my last smoke... and of course, the rock in the chest returns. - On my face, that little “black mole” that I've soaked with tea-tree oil is now a hideous scab. It got larger... I wonder why. It's not reacted like the others... it's more like lymph crusting. Oh well. I'll leave it alone now. - The furnace is kicking. It's 7°, the coldest in the forecast. I'll turn it down before bed in a bit. - I mentioned my “CA-Lung” on Twtr and got 2 beautiful responses encouraging “medical”. I returned... philosophical. - And I watched some “science” on yootoob, about the universe. “Cox”... always amazes. Puts it all into proper perspective... that “nothing is forever”. - Ms. “Little D”, as she may be, is sleeping in the “droring” room, safely, again tonight. I don't know that she'll be “with me” for long, but she's eating, “taking nourishment”. I'll suppose it's an indication that she knows she's being loved. My heart breaks... they're monogamous, mate for life... and here she is, separated from her “Mr.” But, she's not been tortured, torn to pieces whilst alive. She's not fending, nor fighting for her survival in the darkness, the cold, alone. I'll do my best for her, for as long as we're together. - I believe I'll jump into the shower. I don't “need” but I'd like. And then, to bed. Late again.
Thu.15.Oct: 8.25 THURSDAY? The 15th? Already? WOW! October is just roaring by. And this morning, after getting into bed last night after a bit of a shower, reading and lights out at about mid-night-ish... I slept through and woke at 7.30-ish to put the coffee on, say “Good-morning” to Mrs. Dove (“Little D”) and SCRUB the burnt rice from the sauce-pan even before I'd gotten dressed. Imagine that. - Mrs. Dove is awake, has obviously eaten, has also shat (indeed... in quite a copious quantity... I'll be changing the paper again in short order this morning). And as for me? And as for me... I'm dressed, stepped out to a half-smoke and am “feeling” it yet again, this morn. Oh... it just never seems to get “better”... and I doubt it ever will. Just some-thing I'll have to learn to deal with... until the moment when I don't... which will be the moment I don't have to “deal with” any-thing at all. - But it's not terribly cold out there this morning. There's a bit of sun-shine. “Owl” mountain (or what-ever it's called) is quite “brown and grey” with the pines quite obvious this morning, and “Iron” is quite lovely. (I wonder if I'll ever actually make it to the top there to take that photo of the hamlet... doubtful, at the rate things are going but...) - I'm wearing clean clothes, having really nothing of much to “plot and plan” for the day. And so... once again... we roll with the time until... (Obviously, mood isn't all that “cheerie” this morn.) - As I said to Mrs. Dove this morning: “Looks like we're in this together.” It's just a matter of “who will go first.” (I'm hoping it's her, so that she's not left to those who'd just as soon put her out the door. As has been said: at least she's protected in here. It's not the best life, but at least she won't have to suffer needlessly. After all... isn't that what it all should be? No needless suffering. I've got the space and the means to keep her with food and water and a clean, safe place. It's all I can do... She's sheltered and cared for and about. Hey... I remember, all so well, the times when... - On with the day. Amazon is due at some point. Coffee and spices and salmon. There we have it... until we don't. - 13.57 Jeans and shorts and swim-trunks washed and on the line. Ms. D's “home” has been cleaned and I put the seeds through that “red strainer” to separate the larger seeds and nuts that she doesn't like and so, there's a container (thanks to the Bustelo containers) of just HER little seeds. (I didn't like that strainer, but it appears that there was a “cause” to buy it and here it was/is! Oh... some-times “Life” can be “amusing”.) - Called the hospital billing dept. this morning and requested an “itemised” bill. The whole ordeal was quite “pleasant”, save for the “UVM Hospital” announcement when the call went through. Just the sound of that “UVM” makes me ill and ill-at-ease. But the bill's requested. Done. - Ms. D. seems to be doing rather well. I wish I knew what to “do” about the broken leg but she seems to be moving about in that “cage” a bit more AND she's not as “jumpy” when I open it and change the papers and such. We shall see... the little bundle of feathered love. - Also printed the “DNR-Living Will” and put the “latest” in with the other 2 that were done before it. There's a copy over and I'm pondering sending it to Donna... just so that some-body else has it. I most whole-heartedly and sincerely doubt that it will be honoured. But, at least it's there. Perhaps I'll have to “haunt” those who choose to ignore it... when the time comes. - As for other items of the morning... my chest has been some-what OK for the most part. Half-smokes here and there now and then. But I'm keeping “active”, moving, ambulatory and such. That seems to help a lot. (If the fucking mower would work, it would be a GLORIOUS day to be out there mowing and mulching but... the mower isn't working, I'm clean and in clean clothes and fukkit... really.) - Rang Theresa and Ev just moments ago. “Answering services” at both numbers. Where Theresa is concerned, I doubt we'll ever “speak” again. Oh well. It will be as... I've made the effort. That's that for that. Ev? Hopefully she's out and about and the weather there is as the weather here: sunny, warm, dry. - It would probably have been a good day to “paint” the truck but the wind is blowing and so, not such a grand idea. There'd be spray all over the place. Oh well... Hopefully there are other days to come... before the Winter sets in. - I'm sitting to tea now... Why? Simply because. - Ms. D's in the “droring room” in the muted sun. I'm just glad she's eating. Thinking: give this all a week and see about taking her out to hold and “get better acquainted”. We shall see. (There's no telling if either of us will be “around” in another week.). - Moving along. It won't be much longer before the sun disappears. But at least the doors are open, the air is clearing in the house. It's expected to be about 21° today! Teens to follow. But at least there aren't any “negatives” in the “day” forecasts... for a while longer. We take and enjoy as we may. - There's a HELL OF A LOT OF TRUCK TRAFFIC out there today. They're “paving”... morons. Nothing like waiting for the “cold” weather to be approaching to do road-work. Honestly! Nice to know that “sense” is still elusive. - OH! Food is due today... UPS! YAY! (Nothing in today's post, save a “notice” from the NRA about which “Senator” is “approved” by them... Election Day... I wonder if I'll be “here” for that. - 21.35 The Amazon coffee and spices and SALMON arrived today... via UPS. YAY! (Of course, as I was prepping “meal” which I sat to eat at about 17.30 and, of course, was finished with by 18.00 any-way). But, oddly, last night I was reading on “CA-lung foods” and salmon is highly recommended. And now I've 4 tins in the house (with 5 containers of coffee and more turmeric and ginger). So... nice day and all. - Mrs. D. was a delight too. She's eating VERY well AND taking water. Good signs. (How I wish I could know what to do about her broken leg though. Poor thing.) - Still warm in the house. I believe I saw 15° out there. But tomorrow brings rain, rain and more rain.. through the day and then... cold again. Alas. - Fine. - Well... I'm off to bed. That's that. - Oddly, I've a lot of flatulence tonight and don't know why. Oh, and the little “black mark” on my left temple is WEEPING and crusting from the tea tree oil so... no more of that. Cotton ball under bandaid on for the night. - No call from T. No call from D. T's a write-off I should think. D? Whilst her sister's there there's no what-ever. - So off to bed it is. Rainy day tomorrow gives me cause to “do” nothing... I suppose.
Fri.16.Oct: 6.32 Yes, it's 6.32 in the rainy morning AND I'm sitting at table, DRESSED, coffee'ed, and in from a “halfie” on the front porch where it's really not so much cold at all this morning. BUT, so as to keep the day from being “WONDERFUL”, my left eye doesn't seem to want to open. I slept with a cotton-ball and bandaid on that “spot” on “the temple”, as it were and there's no telling WHAT'S under it this morning. Oh well. And there's really no specific reason to be up and about at this hour. The sun's not even making a difference in the sky as yet so... So? It isn't even time for little Ms. Dove to be up and about as yet. Oh well... I'll find some-thing (how about sorting through photos? I don't know why I don't want to be bothered with that) to “occupy” the time.... on a rainy day. Surely... at some point... like... when it's time to go to bed. Well, for now, I'm up and about. So what? Eh? - Chest Report: Not “bad”... not great but not bad. - Oh... I'll note what I can recall of a bit of a “Dream”:
It all happened in the usual “darkness” of most of my dreams. Night or early morning sort of darkness. It reminds me of all the “change-over” periods at Chemical Bank when I'd move from cubicle-to-cubicle, floor-to-floor, between “assignments”. That period of time when one never really knew what one's work actually was in the “new department” and whether or not one was actually still “employed” or was being “phased-out”. But this place was more along the sort of the “studio” (which was NEVER really a place of any particular “job security” any-way, which was another reason why being “back in The City” really wasn't the best situation for me at that time, but I digress). The “company” did a lot of “designing”, in art-works, clothing, graphics, “tech-work”, and the “department” I'd been working in for some time was being “merged” and folks were being “phased-out”. My particular situation was never made quite clear and so I was rather free to wander about the place, which was housed in a rather huge old factory/ware-house (sort of like “T9” as I think of it). I'd found an “office space”, old, rather disused and un-used for quite some time, and in the corner, a massive drafting table under a very large “factory-type” window. The table was filthy, dark grey from dust and soot accumulations (as I think of it, similar to the table at 5199), the walls and window too, covered in that same sooty dust. There was a “cleaning woman” of sorts, meandering about the area, “appearing” to be be “cleaning” though, it didn't make any difference. She was “busy looking busy” more than any-thing else. So I went into a literal pile of items, stuff and what-have-you and found a vacuum-cleaner and... took it over to the corner with the table and proceeded to start cleaning, as if I'd been “assigned” the space. Of particular note: along the wall, about shoulder-height, there was a “ridge”, created by some sort of fabric-covered padding that came up from floor to shoulder-height. In that ridge was quite a nasty collection of old cigarette butts. It made no sense to me but I just got busy Hoovering them all out, and all the while, hoping that the vacuum had enough capacity to hold them all. I worked at it assiduously and was getting most of them up, and got the table “un-dusted” when I thought of using the cleaner on the truck! So, I went out to the parking area and began cleaning the inside of the truck. All the while, I was behaving as if I were an employee and merely on my “lunch break”. I didn't know, for certain, if I was still on the pay-roll, didn't know if any-body in the place knew me or knew of me. But there I was, cleaning an office space and my truck... in the darkness that was... and I woke... at about 3.00 at this point, looked at the clock, considered getting up and decided to go back to sleep... which I did.
Chemical Bank? Working but un-certain? “T9”? Hoovering? Cigarette butts? Cleaning the truck? There's certainly some kind of shit floating about in my unconscious, that's to be said. Oh well... eventually that particulars will settle on sanity or blow away to be forgotten. For now... there's a morning to deal with. And in a while, we'll have a chat with Ms. Dove. (Every morning will be a mystery where she's concerned. Today, I ought to figure what to do about her leg so that it's not in her way. I can't “remove” it. And of course, it's broken too close to her body to “splint”. The gauze doesn't stay on her feathers because they're so “slick”. AND... I need to think about a little “bath” for her too. She's sitting all the time, and sitting in shit. I don't want her injured in water. I'd like to give her a week, at least, to “heal” what will be healed... We shall see... indeed. Meanwhile, she's here, sheltered, protected, cared for and about and yes, Loved... until one... or the other... or both...) - 16.27 Meat-loaf in the toaster-oven, I've gone to FamDoll for cling, foil, tape for the mat out front, and have cut and tape-trimmed (it won't work for long but it's done). Put a bit of poly-glue on the “shade” for the front porch light (now to figure out how the fuck to hang it...) and sat with Ms. Dove for a while. She's behaving strangely today, fearful of me, staying to her corner. I've left the desk light on in there for her for a while. Not sure why but... - I'm not feeling “well” at all today. Tired. And the “black mark” on the temple is weeping. I wonder if I'm not poisoning my-self with the tea-tree oil. My chest is “heavy”. My stomach's “off”. And my general “mood” is a touch miserable today. I even took an hour's snooze and, well... felt worse for having done... that was when I woke and headed into town. - It's damp. Supposed to get chilly tonight. I've got the furnace set at about 65F and it's been running now and again. I'm not happy about that, to be sure. Fuel and electric. Oh well... at the rate I'm going, it won't make any difference much longer... I should think. - And so, another day has been pissed away and nothing of any mention has been accomplished. So be it. Meal, dessert, perhaps a little “Shabbat Shower” and to bed. We shall see what's to be tomorrow, if tomorrow is to be. - 22.13 Well... the day is done and nothing's been done with the day... as usual. Though Ms. Dove's “papers” have been changed, her meal was served. Thankfully, she's still eating quite well and drinking water. And she appears to be “adjusting” to having the one leg. Poor little thing. I can't help but wonder what's going to happen to it... should she survive any length of time. We shall see... if I survive long enough. - And the evening wasted on QI and such. - The furnace is up. The temperature is expected to be 4/1° by 6.00. I'll leave the furnace set at 65F for the night, I think. But for now, I'm off to the shower. There's some kind of “accumulation” of “fluid” under my left eye and I wonder what it's about. And my right arm is itching. Tea-tree oil, I've no doubt. So a shower and to bed. Tomorrow's to be sunny but the pee-oh open until noon. Fuck. Oh, and the tea-lights were supposed to be delivered tomorrow too. Yeah, right. According to the IKEA site, they haven't even shipped! Fuckers. I must remember that. (I wish the border would open. I could go directly to the store. Shit-bags.) - Any-way, have had a Naproxen and 2 hot waters. Let's see how the night goes... Now... SHOWER!
Sat.17.Oct: 9.10 Lights went out at some time round about between 23.30 and mid-night and, for the most part, I fell asleep and stayed asleep (save one trip to the loo). The shower before bed was refreshing. I'd put another cotton/bandaid on the left temple because that “spot” was weeping again, and that was that. This morning? I woke at about 5.00, then 6.00, 7.00 and at about 7.30 decided to get out of the bed to see... My left eye is swollen, the upper lid is drooping, that “sac” under it is still there and as I type this now, I can feel a “heaviness” around it all. O my! I've done me a mischief, to be certain. And, I've removed the cotton/bandaid and yes, the damned thing is weeping. So I'll just leave it as it is, to weep, dry, crust and what-ever until it drains away. The best I can hope for now is that this doesn't become permanent. Not that, at this point in my existence, it makes any difference. (Though I do wonder if my chest pains and dizziness don't have some sort of correlation to/with a potential toxicity that I've self-imposed with all the tea-tree oil I've used over the past few months. I'm not say it's the “primary” cause, but I have to wonder if there isn't some relationship.) - AND any-way, Ms. Dove's papers have been changed, food and water freshened. She appears to be “adjusting” to the one leg/foot situation, but she's still not “pleased” when I “clean house” for her. Oh well... - Speaking of “cleaning house”, THIS place NEEDS a Hoovering, and the “droring” room needs a thorough “once-over”... SOON. - Meanwhile, it's a bit on the “chilled” side out there this sunny morn and the furnace is set to 65F and running. I need to go check the oil now... (and the electric bill is about to arrive... and there goes the 300 in the banque from the work at the FamDoll... alas). I really can't be bollocksed, arsed, give a shit or fuck... At the rate things are going, it's all just “entertainment, amusement & time-passing”. They say we come into this world with nothing... well... at least what little is in this house is easily disposed of... and quickly too. (The “Thrift” in town will be pleased... to get some of their merchandise back...) - On with the day... to be “occupied” with some-thing. - 13.42 Well OK... to my chagrin (and not), I've Hoovered the house, sealed the “Dove-room” windows against drafts, and the place is WARM! SUN POURING in through the Southern windows. It isn't all that cold out-side, but it's a relief in here. - The IKEA order for the tea-lights has been cancelled because it was “due to be delivered” today but there's NO tracking... in fact, according to the site, the order is still “being processed”. Yeah? Fuck you! For about 35$ I can order 300 from Walmarde (“Made In Europe”... where-ever that might be... but it's not “China” so...) and I'll rather do that at this point. Just waiting for confirmation of cancellation from IKEA. - Ms. Dove seems none-too-pleased about having been moved about and the “wizzzing” of the Hoover earlier. She's still skittish when I'm “too close for comfort”. But then, it hasn't been a week yet so... we shall see. - Meanwhile, my “face” feels a bit better, the swelling under the eye seems to have decreased and the eye doesn't feel as “heavy”. And, last night, it felt as if the left inner ear was filled with some sort of “fluid” and that's dissipated as well. I just have to keep busy, in motion, push the toxins through the system, flush, FLUSH it all out! (Having a tea as I type.) - Chest? Still not “comfortable” but not as “heavy” as it has been. - I took a 30-minute snooze from 11.45-12.15 and checked the post. A new “prescription” notice, 2 “life insurance policy” offers, from AAA and Tops! Seriously? The SHIT people waste time with. As if I want to spend $180/month to give money to some-body ELSE... when I DIE! FUKKEM! Truly. - And still feeling quite annoyed (to a point) about the Theresa, who apparently has no further use for me in her existence and Donna, who hasn't a moment to ring to say whether Trapper is OK or what-ever. Times like these put us in our proper perspective place. I really can't be bollocksed. It's nothing different from any other time in my life-time: there when needed, professions of “friendship” and “gratitude” and then... gone. I move on. - And moving-on is what I ought to be doing (like working with/on photos... as I should have done LONG ago... this lap-top journal is up to 13 pages as of now... by the moment). - Moving... to tea. - 16.16 I'm rather please with me... I've put the brackets under the book-shelf in the living-room! It involved taking every-thing down, including the shelf, drilling... and I mean DRILLING (I still don't know what I've drilled into but the screws are in the wall QUITE securely). All is back to where it ought to be and the re-Hoovering is done. It seems the “activity” has helped with the eye, the temple, the arms (that have been ITCHING again today) AND the chest. “Activity” is the “secret”. (Of course, I could drop dead at any moment any-way but at least for the moment-at-hand, I'm feeling better.) - Ms. Dove has made quite the mess with her “luncheon” so there's the “changing of the papers” yet again. But I don't mind really. And the sun is setting (of course... and we're no-where near the “shortest day” yet). The day is all but done. Another Shabbat. (And yes, I did a bit of what might be considered “work” but I enjoyed it and I enjoy the results and being “enjoying” is what Shabbat is all about so there. I've “enjoyed”. - Now... tonight's “meal”... SALMON CAKES! Easy-peasy recipe (with turmeric tonight): salmon, egg, flour, fry, done. Some veggie with and a tiny bit of ice cream to follow. (I could, were I so inclined, go to market after sun-set, for more ice cream, but I don't believe I shall. Rather, I'd like to think about, perhaps, getting to bed at a civil hour, perhaps after a briefest shower... I'd rather like to think about that.) Tomorrow, if there's to be one, is another day in which we can “do”... or not to do, with much or little ado... That, again, is that. (I'm just comforted in knowing that the book-shelf is secured. Now I can snooze on the futon and not think about BANG on the head.) - 18.20 and the house is back in order (of course), water in the kettle to boil and the salmon was really quite good! And I had the whole tin! Salmon. Highly recommended for CA. Imagine? I'll have to make sure to keep more in the house. FISH! Not chicken. Not shitty beef. FISH! And GOOD fish too. Let's see what this does... how it settles. Hopefully, it'll do some good (along with the 4gm vit.C. I took yesterday and again today). We shall see. - Meanwhile, the sun's almost down in Keene, the temperature isn't all too bad and the furnace hasn't been running for most of the day. Good. And now... the day comes to a close and a shower is on the agenda and a “civil” hour for bed. - Ms. D's house is clean. More food. More water. And her wings seem to be improving. OH! If ONLY I could do something for her leg. But she's eating. She's flapping her wings. Thing are good. (And the shelf in the living-room is good. I can order another book! Kubler-Ross is on the list... I'm just trying to remember some others.) And I got a response from IKEA on Twtr and managed to make a point: they claim “so many open cases”, I pointed out that that's not favourable. Oh well... we shall see how it works out. (I still need to order tea-lights before the freeze comes! Walmarde... but 35$... well... 300 tea-lights... 6-hour burning time, twice daily at 14 each is 3 weeks... not too bad. I suppose. Saves on oil? We'll see. - Mean-while, been watching/listening to a “Trump” gathering and smiling, laughing, crying... he truly isn't the “Trump” I remember over the years. He's amazing! (But we're both older these days... and he's about 7 years my elder so... we all change and he's inspirational... I have to survive at least until I get to vote!) - 19.59 COLA... 1090/mo. as of December? Only a 14$ increase but... AND, I just noticed, when I went to the site for Soc.Sec. that the total (allegedly) paid into my Soc.Sec. over the years was only 60k. Well! Even at the 1090 new rate, that would be 55 months (4,5yrs) which would mean that I've got only another year to go... hmmmm... Thankfully, I just looked it up... “Once you start collecting benefits, they continue for your life-time.” OK. I suppose. Since I don't expect my “life-time” to be much longer, I suppose this is fine. Now... I get to HOPE that this doesn't fuck-up my “Medicare/Medicaid”! (Of course, I expect it will and there'll be MORE battles to fight come 2021... IF I'm even still alive.) But for now... it's nice to see. - Ordered books from Abe's. Oncology med books and Kubler-Ross. (Tea-lights will have to wait a bit... as the furnace kicks up.) - 23.50 Three mugs of water and off to bed at last. No shower. - Donna rang and I answered. I shouldn't have. I just wasn't in a “pleasant mood”. Oh well. We chatted about the dove and Trapper and then Dorothy came out of the loo or what-ever and... well... I wasn't in the mood. - So the day was OK and now it's done and tomorrow should be clear but tonight will be 1/0° so... Off to bed... Sunday! No pee-oh! -
Sun.18.Oct: 9.41 DREAM
Not clear if I was moving-in or moving-out or if that's just the way the place always was. It was a large, old house. There were so many others there, settled and settled-in. It was more the house where THEY lived than where I even resided and neither side was terribly fond of the other. Clothes... clothes strewn all about the place! On the furniture (which was old, old-style, old-fashion, “Victorian”, “Baroque”, old), on the floors to the point where the floors could hardly be seen! Canvas luggage and “totes” and “bags” of various sorts, kinds, colours, sizes, shapes just strewn, literally tossed-and-left, ALL about the place, from room-to-room, corner-to-corner. And a constant motion, of people, walking in and out of rooms, along hall-ways and corridors, talking, laughing, arguing, yelling. It was chaotic, mayhem, almost pandemonium... constant. And I was looking for my luggage. There was some-thing I needed to find, some-thing I was constantly looking for. A piece of clothing or some sort of “little item”, that wasn't clear in the dream but in the dream, I knew exactly what I was looking for. But I had to find ONE, just ONE particular piece of MY luggage in the mess, and I couldn't. I couldn't find ONE piece of MY luggage in the entire house! I was in one particular room, a bed-room of sorts, that was mine but not mine. A large room. It was rather dark because of the extremely heavy drapes on the large windows and the windows were so filthy that, between the drapes and the filth, precious little light entered the room. Out-side, it was twilight, in the room, the major source of light was from an old, shade-less ceiling fixture and a some-what dim bulb. It was only “just enough” light to allow one to navigate the mess that completely covered the floor and the furnishings! I was frantic and angry as I searched through clothing, luggage, bags, of all sorts. “I need to find MY suit-case!” I said to some-body and no-body in particular in the passers-by, of which there was an almost constant flow through the room. “I have to be out of here! I HAVE to GET OUT of here! But I can't find MY luggage!” Nobody was of any help. Some-times some-body would come walking through, ignoring my presence, as they all did, for the most part, and they'd chuckle or out-right laugh. As I tossed through the clothes and such, I never did manage to get to see even a bit of the actual flooring, that's how deep all the mess was... clothes, bed-linens, luggage. And I was in a hurry or just in a sense of urgency. Even that wasn't quite clear. I was and wasn't leaving, moving-out, moving-in... my presence there was as chaotic as the entire house. The only point that was clear was that I needed to find “MY” luggage and some-thing in on particular piece. - Some-how, I was in another room, no drapes or curtains on the windows, and in this room, the floor was visible. But through the door, the mess from the rest of the house was encroaching, like a glacier moving slowly in through the door-way and spreading-out as it made its way in. There were items of clothing and a few pieces of luggage on the floor by the windows through which the day-light out-side came in so I could see what I was looking through at this point. I was now fixated on finding the charging-wire for my mobile phones which laid on the floor by the window. A woman (LC of all people!) was in the room. It was “her” room. She was annoyingly patronising, condescending, assuring me that I was over-reacting, un-necessarily creating anxieties for my-self, being “too particular” about my attitude toward the house, the people in it, the general conditions. “I don't see why you need the charger any-way. Nobody's going to call you.” she said, in an almost disgusted tone of voice. Just then, one phone began to ring. I heard my out-going message... it was in French... some sort of advert or another, with a telephone number... and then nothing. The phone screen went black and there was no message from the caller and no indication of the number that had called. I was determined to find the charger-cord and continued looking, almost exhausted and exasperated and... I woke.
I slept through last night, for the most part. 2 trips to the loo, but with 4gm vit.C and 3 mugs of water, that was to be expected. I woke at about 5.30 and decided that there was no cause to get up and out of bed so I went back to sleep to wake, again, at about 6.00 to hear the furnace running and went back to sleep until about 7.30 when I looked at the clock and thought I can get up at about 8.00 and get Ms. Dove's breakfast then and sure enough... went back to sleep until almost about around 8.30, which is when I woke from that dream. - The “usual morning routine” of kettle on, loo, “Good-morning Mrs.” to Ms. Dove, prep the coffee, get dressed, change the paper in the cage, fresh food and water for the “breakfast” shift and... first coffee, a half half-smoke (since I don't inhale any-where as deeply as I used to... it's more for the “flavour” at this point... I believe I might be “weaning off the smokes” of late... what-ever) and... here I sit, at kitchen table, typing. - When I woke and first looked-out the windows, there was frost on the grass... but it didn't take but about 15 minutes and the frost was gone. It's not terribly “cold” out this morning, but it was, apparently, quite cold last night. Ah... I thought: This is mid-October... come mid-November and the “HEAP” comes. Then December and on the21st, the longest night, shortest day and then we go to the days lengthening and the nights shortening and... I don't even know if I'll be around for all of that... and if I am, in what condition of being. EVERY day is the same way now: thinking about some-thing in future and then, immediately thinking of what my condition will be at that point in time... and figuring I'll either not be here at all or I'll be miserably on the way “out”. (Even as I type this, I took a look at me in the mirror moments ago when I went for a pee... wrinkled, creased, the left eye not quite “normal” from the swelling reaction to the tea-tree oil on the temple. My hair is “thin”, not just in quantity but in quality as well. I'm looking rather like many of my patients, “back in the day”. “Death” is taking what it wants... maybe that's the dream: Death is “sorting through my being, looking for “the one last vestige of life” or... I'm sorting through the general chaos of being, looking for the “one last vestige of more time”. I don't know... I don't really want “more time”. I just don't want to lay some-where, lingering. And I tend to think of the little bit of “Life” here now... the little mourning dove I've taken-in to give care to, at least until she's able to take wing in time of need... and, I hope... I HOPE, until the cold of Winter has passed and she doesn't have to go out there, to be alone, defending against predators AND freezing slowly to death. I'm not “bargaining”, arguing, vying for “extra time” for me. I just don't want this little bit of life to suffer any more than she already has done. And should I drop dead or be hauled out of here to else-where to rot away, “they” will come in, strip the house of “furnishings” and the plants will be tossed (no doubt, just into the back yard) and she'll be “tossed” out into the cold, the snow, the ice... “They” won't give a shit one way or another. Even the “bird people” across the road... “get a shoe-box...” I'll give her, Ms. Dove, the best of what I have for as long as I possibly can, but... every day is the same now: I think of tomorrow, or next week, and I also think I might not have the time to finish thinking the thought I'm having at the moment. (These are the days when we “live the moment at hand, nothing before, nothing after...” It truly is better that way. Ponder what we can “do” with any time to come, but never put too fine line upon ANY of it.) - OK. For other thoughts: I HAVE put the phone on the charger this morning. One of them was down to 45%, as if that makes any difference in any-thing at all. I'm wondering what I'll do for “meal” at 17.00... (IF, as usual, I'm here for that). I want to take a quick run into the market for more yoghurt. I've finished that “cheese” from the last batch and would like to make another... and it takes about 3-4 days. I could have pasta this evening... I've got no more “dessert” and I'm even on the second box of PopTarts so... AND there are photos on the lap-top that I want to incorporate into this Journal (for what-ever THIS is worth)... and I'm on page 16 on the lap-top and there's SO much I need to get to the “servers”, as it were and get all of this off the lap-top and to some-where where it won't “go missing”. (NOW THAT'S A MAJOR SHIT-BIT OF MY ATTITUDE TOWARD ALL THIS “LIFE AND LIVING” FUCKERIE!!! LOSING THINGS, PEOPLE, WHAT-HAVE-YOU, THAT MEAN SOME-THING IMPORTANT TO ME! THERE! THAT'S EVEN A PART OF THE DREAM! I HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE PRECIOUS FEW ITEMS THAT I'D ACQUIRED... THE LUGGAGE, THE ITEM I WAS SEARCHING FOR... ALL LOST IN THE CHAOS, MAYHEM, DISASTRE THAT SURROUNDED ME! AND NOBODY ELSE GAVE A SHIT... NOR A FUCK... NOR A CARE OR CONCERN! THEY LAUGHED AT ME AS I SEARCHED THROUGH IT ALL... ALONE, WITH-OUT HELP! IT'S NOT MUCH DIFFERENT FROM “LIFE”, “REALITY”, REALLY. - 10.21 The sun is shining, the winds are blowing, the temperature out there (I'm just in from another few “drags”) is rather “comfortably cool”. Julius has just left. Looks like he spent an “over-night” in NH and was back last night, I'd noticed before I'd gone to bed. And the world, “time”, the “every-thing” about every-thing is... what's come to be “normal”. And me? I have to ponder what to do with the time I have. It would be (interestingly enough) so very easy to simply go back to bed and just let the day pass. I don't know, really, why I don't. I'm beginning to understand how it can be so simple to just not bother with ANY-thing at all any more. Just let it all go by because, to be honest, whether I do some-thing or not... it makes no difference to the world... at all. Oh well... I'm up, about, dressed... and there's a little mourning dove basking in the sun-shine in the next room... and she deserves some care... and as I just said to her, moments ago: We're in this together... alone... for as long as we are. - 16.28 The problem with getting out of bed late is that the day is gone before I've even begun it. And now... there's an “et tout'fait” (my version of étouffée, as it were) on the stove, in the “soup pot” (looking quite “homey” for a cool, Autumn, mountain Sunday eve). I took off up the road to the market for ice cream (on sale), a bag of veggies, boneless chicken breast (on account of that's what I wanted... and got it for about 6$!), 2 containers of yoghurt (1,5 in the cheese cloth in the fridge), and a jug of juice. That was at about 14.30. In the store and out (in spite of the queue which management chose to ignore) and home to prep and cook and clean-up and done! “Radio Classique” on the speakers in the living-room. Ms. Dove has had her luncheon and is in her room, digesting. - Me? I've come to the realisation of the reality that I'm literally “THINKING MY-SELF INTO FEELING LIKE SHIT”! LITERALLY! When I'm occupied with some-thing, moving about, there's the “pressure” in the throat but not the “Sensation of Doom”! I'm actually THINKING MY-SELF ILL!!! AND IT NEEDS TO STOP... NOW!!! IMMEDIATELY! When I have a drink (or 2), I feel almost fine, I can breathe, move about, even have a smoke and enjoy the time. Why? Because I'm not THINKING MY-SELF INTO DEPRESSION! When I'm busy in the yard, the garage, doing some-thing, almost ANY-THING... I can “live” almost like a “normal” person. BUT... the moment I sit too long, think too much, I'm exhausted, want to go to sleep, and not wake up again! (In spite of the worry over the mourning dove and such, that is.) SO... It's time to stop the bull-shit! I'm beginning to THINK my-self into becoming the very sort of patients I used to have that I almost despised... the defeatists, the whiners, the ones who sat around drowning in self-pity. I CAN FUNCTION AND I WILL FUNCTION AND THAT'S THAT FOR THAT! - And so, the sun is beginning to set so the night chill isn't far off. Thankfully, the “et tout'fait” is keeping the place smelling and feeling “warm” and will be “fait” in a few moments' time. (Chicken, rice, veggies... cooking to a “stew” consistency... should be filling and “comforting”.) - Oh... I can disgust me... I truly can. - But the day is done, and went by so very quickly. But it went quietly... and that can't be resented, regretted, ignored, denied. Quietly... - 23.17 Well... “meal” was quite filling and I had the rest of the yoghurt that didn't fit in the bowl for late-night snack. - Ms. Dove's house has been cleaned, fresh food and water. Bless her little feathers. - I've had 2 waters and a Naproxen and spent too much time on-line again... looking into “Medicare Advantage” and mourning doves. Tomorrow I'll have to call about the “Advantage” thing and see if/why I might/should get one and if I'll have to pay anything on it... like ANOTHER deduction from Soc.Sec. (now that it's due to increase by 14$ and I'm sure they'll find a way to take at least 100 of some-thing out of it some-how...). Anyway... time for bed. I've decided no shower again tonight, since the “temple” stopped weeping. Perhaps tomorrow, since the rains are coming for the rest of the week, I'll “hair-cut” or some sort of “clean-up”... Maybe I'll feel better for it (I doubt it but...) - Off to bed! Tomorrow... rudely awakened by the pee-oh... Hopefully I'll wake earlier. Ms. Dove needs breakfast! The love!
Mon.19.Oct: 20.22 Yes... the day has left the existence AND... what a fucking BUST! NOTHING... NONE of what I'd've LIKED to “accomplish” has been done with it. I woke up and got out of bed at about 8.15, and, as is usual, got right to the “chores” of coffee and cleaning Ms. Dove's abode. AND THIS MORNING, THIS MORNING, SHE SEEMED TO BE DOING SO MUCH BETTER! HER LEFT WING LOOKED QUITE “NORMAL”, AND SHE STOOD, BRIEFLY, ON THE “WONKY” LEFT LEG! I WAS SO THRILLED!!! As for what transpired after that? Well... all I can say is that I checked the oil... DOWN TO 75%... I've gone through a quarter of a tank already. Thankfully, “HEAP” is coming in about 3 weeks' time. I transferred all but 200 from “cheque” to “savings” at the credit union, so I'll be “using ONLY that” in the chequeing from now on. Still... it's enough for immediate needs. At 11.15, checked the post... nothing at all, happy to say (though I'm still waiting for the “itemised” bill from the “medical” which... oh, it's not even worth the thought. Did some soc.med., checked the forecast (rain, rain and more rain but thankfully NO SNOW and NO FREEZING in the near future). AND, I had a “relatively good” day with the chest, though that “stone” in there is becoming a “rock”. I researched “Medicare Advantage” packages and will phone the only one available and see what's to be offered WITH-OUT EXPENSES. If nothing, then I'll stick with what I have. (I don't give much of a shit any-way because, well, in the mean-while, I've looked at all sorts of “promising treatments” and I KNOW I SERIOUSY CAN'T AFFORD ANY. Besides... even as has been documented, all this shit does is put a person through Hell and misery... and postpones the inevitable. Why bother? NOTHING is ETERNAL. It'll all be “done” sooner or later, one way or another. If ANY-THING... I'd go for “palliative”... just to take the discomfort (which is what it is now... as opposed to out-right “pain”) away. - This after-noon at about 14.30, I took a walk down to the river to gather some grasses to make a make-shift “nest” for Ms. Dove. The walk did quite a bit of good, to be honest. I'll have to put that into my “daily routine”... a good walk (just as I suspect Alvin is doing these days). It was nice to be at the river, in spite of the absence of leaves, the low water level and the drizzle that began falling. And it was nice to be out of the house and not driving. When I got back, I grabbed a 30-minute “half-snooze” and then at about 16.00 headed up to the FamDoll for A (*ONE*) pack of smokes and 2 little plastic bowls to “shape” the grasses and another package of kitchen roll. (I'm up to 6 rolls in the closet and one in use... I've never had so much kitchen roll in the house ever! But, with 2 changes/day at 5 sections... well... It's worth it if it makes Ms. Dove's existence even a little better.) Had a “chat” with Rylan who informs Ms. Rolanda will be making a return. Seems the “big DM” (John) came into the store and was NOT pleased so he's pulling Rolanda back to “finish” the work she never bothered with. Well? I can't say that I'm surprised, and I can't say that she has my sympathies. There was nothing keeping us from doing a fine job in that 10 days, except the being torn in 10 different directions at once. What-ever... it will be “interesting” to see how it turns out. - Meal, left-over “et tout'fait”, for meal and ice cream after. - Julius dropped by with his NYSEG bill... the address is for “Crazy Gerry's” old place which has been empty for YEARS, “apt.1”? AND for Julius' address as well... sadly, in Hanna's name. It was a “disconnect” notice (which I later told him he needn't be too concerned about because of this “covid law” bull-shit prohibiting the disconnect for non-payment). I am rather amused: he's 26 and clueless about running a house-hold. Imagine. Well, he's got a grand-father collecting some 40k/year who behaves as if he knows all about all... That's a HELL of a LOT more than I had at that age... and I'd been “on my own” almost 10 years already. Alas... - As for “meal”... it was a bit late, but all was done, again, of course, by 18.00. - At about 20.00, I cleaned Ms. Dove's place, put the “nest” in the corner for her and SHE GOT OUT OF THE CAGE AND ONTO THE FLOOR! I HAD TO GET HER AND HOLD HER A LITTLE WHILE AND PUT HER BACK. IT APPEARS SHE RE-DISLOCATED THAT LEFT WING! FUCK! TOMORROW IS A WEEK! I JUST HOPE SHE HASN'T SENT HER-SELF BACK WITH INJURIES! BUT... tonight, she has a “nest” in there, fresh paper, food and water. We shall see. I have the little desk light on for her until I go to bed... soon, I should hope. - And so... I didn't cut my hair. I didn't make a wash. I didn't work in the garage on the pallets. I CAN'T pain the truck because of the rain. I didn't go through images for this journal. I didn't post this to the servers. I DID, how-ever, work a bit on the “2021 Budget” sheets. (Just in case I have use for such nonsense... in 2021... one ought to be prepared, one supposes). I OUGHT to shower before bed tonight. And I'm NOT thrilled about wasting this day. Not, mind, that it makes any fucking difference. I HAD considered a “beverage” this evening BUT... I DID A BIT OF RESEARCH TO FIND THAT VITAMIN C (and D and E) IS A COMMON “APPROACH” TO CA-LUNG AND HAS, IN SOME CASES, PROVEN QUITE BENEFICIAL. GRANTED... THE CLAIMS ARE THAT IV ADMINISTRATION OF HIGH DOSES IS BEST BECAUSE ORAL IS SUBJECT TO SO MANY VARIABLES, SUCH AS ABSORPTION AND SUCH. BUT HEY! I'M TAKING 4 GRAMS/DAY OF LATE. I DON'T EXPECT A “CURE”, I DON'T EXPECT MUCH MORE THAN... SLOWING THE SHIT DOWN. I CAN “HOPE” IT RELIEVES SOME OF THE “DISCOMFORT” AT ANY RATE. AND... WITH Ms. DOVE... I COULD USE A BIT MORE TIME... LIKE UNTIL WARMER WEATHER AND HOPEFULLY SHE'LL BE IN FULL-FLIGHT BY THEN... (and I can be as well). So, no “v-ton” tonight... Funny, there's a bottle and a half in the freezer... from that trip to Plattsburgh... some while ago. See? I'm NOT an “alcoholic”. (Well... I am, but “I'm Not My Father's Son”... in the tune of Ms, Cindy Lauper.) - On to hot water, Naproxen, a shower, some “tele” and to bed! (Though probably not in that order.) We shall see what we fuck-up tomorrow... if/when tomorrow comes. - 21.03 OK... Just ordered another 500 vit.C from Amazon... should be here next week. SO... we're off to average 4gm/day for a while! Let's see what that does. (Tomorrow, I'll check Kinney for vit.D and E and see about that too. Hey! May as well... for Ms. Dove. Eh?) - 23.47 last hot water and late again... no shower... I'm going to bed when the water's gone. - Ms.DOVE IS IN HER LITTLE NEST! I TOOK IT OUT OF THE BOWL, PUT IT IN THE CORNER OF THE CAGE AND SHE'S ALL SNUGGLED-IN! (I've got another one in the bowls, being “pressed” into shape.) AS SOON AS I CAN, I'M OUT TO WALK TO FIND SOFTER GRASSES FOR HER! SO PRECIOUS! May she rest well, heal EXCEPTIONALLY well... and may I have the time to see her take flight and be free again.)
Tue.20.Oct: 8.30 and I'm up, dressed and was (reluctantly) out of bed at 8.00. Coffee and vits. done and in from a quick-smoke on the front porch where it's rather surprisingly warm and the drizzle is in motion all about. Fine. - Ms. Dove is still in her “nest” where she was when I went to bed last night. She hasn't eaten and there's no “cleaning” to be done (though I suspect it's in the nest). I wonder if it was the trauma from being on the floor last night or did I “injure” some-thing when I picked her up. I've decided to let her be for a while during the day to see if she'll get up and eat. If not... I'll have to think of some-thing else. - I woke, feeling some-what “OK” and just now, the “pressure” or some sort of “stress” in the upper chest, throat and lower jaw. It's more like symptoms of “coronary” than “pulmonary”. Oh... there's just no telling (and I really don't want to go to a quack who'll insist upon all sorts of “tests” and “scans” and “rays” and then tell me “Your blood-work is perfect. Every-thing appears to be find. But there's a 'nodule' that we'd like to...” Truth is, when rational thinking takes hold, there really is NO sense in going for all sorts of un-affordable bull-shit fuckerie that will do nothing but “postpone the inevitable”. Hey! I used to (and probably still do and probably will continue to) say that I'd just like to “go quickly... down... done, BUT I KNOW it won't be that way... it'll be drawn-out, uncomfortable, perhaps brutally painful because, well, that's been my lot in Life and we certainly can't change that!” So? Here we are, at the on-set. “It's just a matter of time.” - But this morning, I'm up and awake, and what-ever there is of “time”, there's no good in sitting about “waiting”... At some point, I'll be driving into town... Kinney's this morning. Vit.D and E to add to the C and Bioitne. (Biotine... really... for “hair”? Oh, indulge... Why not? Won't be better. Probably might not be worse. Makes no difference. But here we go with it anyway. Winter's coming and “better hair” is a bit more “insulation”. Fukkit.) - Time to check the “incoming”, have coffee... at some point today, perhaps a hair-cut... but tonight, a shower before bed no matter what. When the rains pass... I'll do the bed-linens... See? Just another day: plan for the future. If it happens, so be it. If it doesn't happen... even my conception will have meant nothing. But then again... nothing's eternal, SO much before has already gone. And that's how it is... no matter what or who. - 9.39 Ms. DOVE IS UP AND HAVING BREAKFAST!!! NOW THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED TO MAKE THE DAY TOLERABLE! SOOOOO HAPPY!!! - Working on the 2021 Budget Sheets... as if I “need” to be concerned with “2021”... Well, I'm awake, out of bed... may as well. - 11.54 Just back from Kinney's... and AGGRAVATION! WALKED ROUND THE FUCKING STORE LOOKING FOR “GOLD BOND” POWDER... COULDN'T FIND *ANY* POWDER AT ALL AND NOBODY AVAILABLE TO ASK. EVEN COMMENTED, IN THE AISLE, IN FRONT OF SOME SORT OF “MGT-LOOKING” GUY WHO BLEW ME OFF AS I COMMENTED TO ANOTHER CUSTOMER. SO MUCH WASTED TIME! BUT... I now have Vit.C,D,E and will be giving it all a “go”. Why? Well, mostly so that I can manage to help Ms. Dove who, when I returned, is in her “nest” and has eaten this morning. So there. - Mean-while, the rains continue to drizzle, the skies continue grey, the temperature isn't “cold” but it's pathetically damp and the world is “dark”. I could almost just go back to bed... but I shan't. On with what-ever. - 16.54 Ms. Dove has been doing rather well, all considered, today. In and out of her nest. She's eaten and I'm comforted. - I'm JUST GETTING THE “2021 BUDGET” sheets completed (save the “GoDaddy” BS). “Meal” (left-overs again tonight) on the stove. Another day... fucking GONE! BUT I DID GET TO CHAT WITH “CDPHP” ABOUT SOME “MEDICARE ADVANTAGE” AND I'M OF THE FEELING I'LL JUST BE LEAVING THINGS AS THEY ARE... THOUGH “WILL” WAS MOST HELPFUL AND KIND... THOUGH A BIT ON THE “DRY” SIDE, WHICH IS FINE WITH ME. AT LEAST I GOT THAT MUCH ACCOMPLISHED. (But no hair-cut again... oh well... it rained all day... it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow too so.., If I wake tomorrow... If not... I'll look like shit at the crematorium.) - 22.17 OK. I did it again! No shower. Up late. BUT... started the Vits.D and E tonight. I can't help but think that the “common” symptoms of CA-Lung are “non-productive” cough. Mine is “productive”. The shit looks strange and stringy and horrible at times, but the shit's coming up. At any case, I'll just make my “system” inhospitable to as much as I possibly can. The vit.C shipped today so 500 more are en route. 4gm/day ought to give shit a run for it's efforts in THIS old body. “Free radicals”? I should think NOT! NOTHING is going to be “living here... free”. I'VE ALWAYS HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY SURVIVAL.. I'm passing along the kindness. - Got the photos sorted out for the Journal. Now to merge all and post. - CONTACTED GoDaddy THIS EVENING ABOUT THE HOSTING RE-NEWAL IN MARCH. NOT TOO BAD! ABUT 150/YR! DOABLE. NOW TO BUDGET. IT WAS A RELIEF. I EXPECTED ALMOST 4-500! SO... THERE'S AN ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR THE DAY. - Meanwhile... Ms. Dove is snoozing in her nest. She appears to be fine. She's eaten 3 or 4 times today. I believe she's drinking water as well. It's been 7 days today, she's with me. I need to get her “better quarters”. I might break down and get an actual “cage” for her. OR... make a better one with the fencing. The horizontal space in this set-up is great for her. And she's not flying so she doesn't need a lot of vertical. But I'd like her to have some-thing more “suitable”... and some place for a proper nest of sorts. We're here, together, alone, in this situation. And... should things go well... we'll be together through the Winter. The little bundle of downy LOVE. - OK. I've had a half-smoke and it's time to “settle”. No shower again. Let's see what tomorrow brings. - It's been a rainy day. Tomorrow morning is supposed to be more of the same then a break and then more rain. Thankfully no “negative” temperatures in the 7-day forecast. And the furnace isn't running. That's a comfort. (What a change from last year... hopefully this will hold for a while... and no running furnace... though... the 15th of Nov. isn't all that far off and... more oil! YAY! I wonder what the price will be THIS year. Fuck.
Wed.21.Oct: 9.58 It was rather difficult, getting out of bed, this morning. First of all, I DID get to bed at about 22.30, read until about 23.30 and lights out... and was STILL awake at 1.30 this morning! I was about to jut get up and stay up when... it was 7.00 this morning and I laid there until I dozed back off and woke again at about 8.30 and THEN got out of the bed! OK. So I got about 7 hours sleep and that's spiffy. But it's about to become ANOTHER day just fucked-away. Not that that makes any much difference since it is still raining and dreary and... what-ever. (Not to mention the “banshee” in the pee-oh again this morning.) But, Ms. Dove's cage required no particular massive mess-cleaning this morning. I'm beginning to worry about where she's shitting now. I suspect there's a “surprise” in her “nest”. Thankfully, there's a replacement for her. So she got more food at 8.30 and the other item of concern: I wonder if she's taking water! Until yesterday, it seemed she was. Well... we shall see how it all turns out. She's looking “comfy” as it is now. - My “agenda” includes a run to FamDoll for white sheers today to replace the greys in the droring room to bring in more light. I'm not certain I'll be totally happy with the decision, but the best way to know is to try. 10$ and... (IF they have any WHITE... which they probably won't but... the truck needs to be run so I suppose...) - I have to think of a trip to Port Henry for gas too. Only 3/4 tank in the truck. (I think it's the same for the furnace... oh my.) But any-way-in-the-mean-while... I've got to get these 19 pages here onto a server! (I'd rather go back to bed but... NOOOOOOO!) - It's that “chilly-damp” in here again today. Ah... one day... not to far off in future... it'll just be FUCKING FREEZING! How charming. - 16.30 House is Hoovered after a HAIR-CUT!!! YEAH! YAY! CUT! DONE! AT LAST! Do I “feel better”? Not really. Only in-so-far-as having “accomplished the chore(s). Other-wise... nope, not really. But it's done and tonight... SHOWER! And tomorrow? Fukkit. (I was “working with” cover-alls earlier, before hair-cut, a little LONG over-due chore, and leaned on some bit that pushed against my right-side rib-cage... of course... “right” side... and it's a bit on the “oops, sore” side now. No interference with breathing or hair-cutting though. But that's right now. There's NO telling WHAT might be “lurking” in the hours to come. Fuck.) - OK. So 'tis “meal-prep” time and then... “Then”. - 21.46 Took the Naproxen a bit late and didn't want to lie down immediately after so... OFF TO THE SHOWER AND TO BED! THIS DAY IS DONE! (And I'm in a bit of pain from that “poke in the chest” earlier. Oh... one of these days... But for now... off to the shower... tomorrow's... well...)
Thu.22.Oct: 7.22 I have NO idea WHY, but I'm up, dressed in clean clothes (having scoured before bed last night), coffee's made/done and I'm on the second beaker. In one basin, the under-wear, in the other, a pair of jeans and two shirts, soaking, lavage. It's what might be thought of as a “difficult” morning. That “pain” in the right side (lung?) rather almost kept me awake from about 5.00 when I had to get up, for about the third time through the night, to pee. I laid in the bed after peeing, trying to get comfortable but “comfort” didn't happen. So, at about 6.30-ish, I just gave up the battle and got up out of the bed... and began a “routine” thinking maybe, getting my mind off this bull-shit AND the movement might be of some assistance. (If I want to, I can have a lie-down later... there's nothing saying that I can't.) But my mind is packed with anger, yes, indeed, ANGER. THIS SHIT IS EXACTLY WHY I TOLD THE FUCKERS WHO REFER TO THEM-SELVES AS “MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS”... IF THERE'S ANY-THING THEY FIND THAT MIGHT EVEN REMOTELY REFERENCE TO CA OF ANY SORT, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!! DO THEY FUCKING LISTEN? NOOOOO! “There's this nodule....” FUCK YOU! SO WHAT? THERE'S A “NODULE”!!! YEAH? SO WHAT IN FUX NAME ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT NOW THAT IT'S LARGE ENOUGH TO BE VISIBLE ON AN X-RAY? FILL ME FULL OF POISON, CUT ME FROM HELL TO BREAKFAST, TAKE OUT A PART OR TWO AND THEN TOSS THE REST OF ME TO THE SIDE BECAUSE THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT? YEAH! I'VE LIVED THROUGH WATCHING THAT. I ALWAYS REMEMBER PATIENTS IN CALVARY SAYING “I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL THEY TOLD ME...” YEP. SO NOW IT'S MY TURN. OK. I'm aware of the fact that I'm the one to blame for any and all of this anxiety-related bull-shit I'm creating for my-self, and I need to move on, pass it, get on with things. I have the dove to think about now... Visions of me laying, decaying, on the floor, for DAYS (because, let's face it, nobody comes by on any basis, regular or not, to “check” or even to say “Hi.”, and I don't get enough mail to make it obvious that I'm not fetching it... I mean, if I get 3 pieces/week that's a “busy” time), and that poor little thing in that cage, going hungry and thirsty, alone, with a decaying carcass in the next room (and the stench). And then, the villagers (the “village people”? tee-hee) finally realise I'm in here, dead, and their first reaction to the dove will, most-likely be to toss her out.... IT'S ALMOST NOVEMBER AND THE WINTER IS COMING, SNOW, BITTER NIGHTS, AND SHE'S GOT ONE GOOD LEG AND ONE GOOD WING! So what then? She goes out, and in a “best case scenario” of “life and death”... she's immediately “done-in”? OR... she lays about, some-where, on the freezing ground, until Winter takes her too? Then there's Ms. Donna and her bull-shit “See? You have a reason to keep going. You have to take care of her (the dove) now.” Oh... I need to “work on” this shit. HEY! I said I was coming “home to die”... I dreamt of “a little place in the Adirondacks” at this very time in my existence and here I am... “home to die”... “in the Adirondacks”. As has usually been the fuckerie of my existence... it CAN'T... JUST BLOODY-FUCKING CANNOT BE IN PEACE! Oh, I need to STOP the drama. The ONLY person I've EVER known, personally and directly, who got a “quick out” was Opa. WALKED into the ER, got on the gurney and POOF... GONE! No fuss, no muss, no mess... OK. Oma? YEARS of horror, from Germany to NY. Mother? 6 months of “back and forth, up and down, here and there” and then... a couple of weeks of “drowning”. It doesn't “just happen”, I don't suppose, unless WE intervene or some-body else does (like BAM! run-over by a semi... in which case, some-body else has to “suffer” with personal anguish and/or others intervening with their “morals, and ethics, and laws and other fuckerie). Well... THIS here, being able to type it, gets it out of my mind and “else-where”, and that having been done, I need to get it all out onto a server. WHY? Because on the server is out of my existence and... who knows? MAYBE (I laugh hysterically in my silence here now) ONE DAY... SOME-BODY will stumble upon it. Is it important that they do? No, not really. Others, as I pondered this morning, have died before me... BILLIONS AND TRILLIONS... UN-KNOWN, their stories, history, trials, tribulations, joys, ecstasies, never known to any-body else. Does it make a difference in ANY part of this “Creation”? No... but I just don't want to carry it with me... any longer. - I have to pee again and it's “loo time”. Another day has commenced. Hey! I cut my hair yesterday and took a grand shower last night. There's that much this morning. - Oh... FUKKIT! BIG BOY PANTIES ON! LET'S FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL! (or... what-ever). - 9.14 The pee-oh isn't yet open (typical). I've received an e-mail saying I can expect a delivery on Saturday (probably the vit.C) via USPS (GOD HELP ME!). AND, ON THE LINE, A PAIR OF JEANS, 2 FLANNEL SHIRTS... and ON THE RACK... 2 T-SHIRTS, 2 UNDER-SHORTS, 3 PAIRS OF SOCKS... ON THE PORCH! (And JUST as I hear the hag banging in the pee-oh). IT WAS PAINFUL, HANGING THE WASHING ON THE LINE! NO BS. PAIINFUL!!! But... there's nobody else around to do this, and nobody to talk to/with about it and it really has to be done (so the place is “clean and orderly” when they find me dead, laying in my own excreta) and so it is... NOT, of course, that it makes any difference, really. But... it makes ME feel better about ME and right now, that's ALL that matters in the world. - NEXT? Ms. Dove. Her little “house” will be in serious need of complete over-haul this week. Surely, she's not going to be pleased but... better to be in a “clean” environment in which to “heal” than sitting, constantly, in HER excreta. To be sure. Perhaps that's some-thing for the after-noon (if not tomorrow... but “tomorrow” is NOT guaranteed so... if there's a “later”... we'll be on it). - Been to the loo and so the day rolls along. - 9.55 This morning's “chores” are complete... even to clean coffee press and fresh food and water (with paper) for Ms. Dove. “Bayern 5” on the “radio” and away we go... where-ever. - I have to think: This “knowing” that there's some-thing “taking over” the useful lung cells is pretty neat. I have a choice in the day: I can get the place together, “presentable”, clean or... I can let it all go to shit. Either way is the same out-come: it won't matter... at all... to anybody... one way or the other... because, eventually, they'll clean the place out and, in due course, some-body else will move it and “time” and “Creation” will roll along... along... roll along... and I will never have been here... eventually. - I need to get this all onto the server this morning. - 19.21 Another day draws to a close. The washing is in from the line, clipped to hangers, hanging in the door-way to the “Dove's Room” (since that's what it is now), and she's all tucked-away for the night. Tomorrow she'll get a thorough house-cleaning. (She's NOT going to be too thrilled about that, I can assure.) BUT SHE'S DOING SO VERY, VERY MUCH BETTER TODAY! SHE'S STANDING ON THE LEFT FOOT THAT APPEARED TO HAVE BEEN BROKEN. NOT “PERFECTLY STANDING” ON IT BUT SHE'S *WALKING* MORE THAN HOPPING ABOUT ON ONLY THE RIGHT LEG!!! AND THE LEFT WING APPEARS TO BE BETTER WHEN SHE TRIES TO TAKE FLIGHT! I'M AMAZED! AND, SEEING HER IMPROVE IS MAKING A DIFFERENCE ON HOW *I* FEEL AS WELL! IF ONLY THE MONTHS AHEAD WERE TO BE WARMER, I'D SERIOUSLY CONSIDER (IF SHE CONTINUES ALONG THIS WAY) SETTING HER FREE IN THE OPEN AGAIN! BUT, FREEZING NIGHTS ARE AHEAD, MORE RAINS AT NIGHT IN THE FORECAST. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO TOSS HER OUT THERE IN THAT, ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING IN THE HOUSE FOR THIS WHILE. SURE, SHE'D PROBABLY RE-ADJUST TO THE OUT-DOORS, TAKE TO THE AIR AND TREES. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE EVEN FIND HER “Mr. Dove” OUT THERE, SOME-WHERE. BUT IT'S THE COLD, THE WET, AND THE FREEZING... I CAN'T... I JUST CAN'T BE THAT CRUEL. SO? WE'LL SEE HOW SHE MANAGES IN THE WEEKS TO COME. THIS IS ONLY JUST GETTING INTO THE SECOND WEEK. I READ THAT I SHOULD CONSIDER 2-4 WEEKS... HEY! IT TOOK ME 8 WEEKS TO GET MY TOE BACK. AND... I'M IN NO PARTICULAR RUSH. I'M JUST THRILLED THAT SHE'S DOING SO WELL THUS FAR AND I'VE GOT THE PATIENCE... (I just hope I have “the time”.) - Nothing came in today's post and I can't complain about that. Notices of deliveries to come... one is due tomorrow (the vit.C, suspect because there's a shipment of books in Albany, not due until abut Saturday... imagine... taking almost 5 days to get from Albany to here... leave it to the Pee-Oh... fucking, lazy bastards... makes me sick!). - BUT... THERE WAS A PROPANE DELIVERY THIS MORNING... I'D “BUDGETED” 60$ FOR THIS ONE, FIGURING RATES WOULD RISE AND THE FACT THAT THERE WAS THAT ONE DAY WHEN I HAD NO HOT WATER... THANKS, I IMAGINE, TO Ms. Suze USING 30gals... THE BILL CAME TO... 37,41! (LIKE THE OLD DATA-ENTRY MACHINES. WHAT A LAUGH!) I WAS AMAZED AND THRILLED AND SO HAPPY! (I'll be paying that first thing tomorrow morning, to be sure!) - Of note:
On the “Health” front: it was a PAINFUL morning, this. Hanging the washing on the line was SO PAINFUL to the right side... and it's really NOT in the muscle or the bone... it's “deeper” some-where. But it truly was a most PAINFUL experience. But oddly, I took a lie-down at about 14.00 or so, after a “lunch” of oatmeal and vits.D and E (of course) and when I woke... I can't believe the difference! The actual “PAIN” has been gone all day! It was a bit “stiff” taking the washing in, but NOTHING like the PAIN of this morning! I don't know WHAT the actual fuck I did to create/warrant that pain, but I'm just glad it's gone. Is “THE ILLNESS” gone? OH HELL NO! That's not “going”... that's just “going” to progress and become MUCH worse. I'm resigned to that fact. But although I still have that “stone” in the upper-centre chest, and the “lumps” in the throat (that I couldn't say “where” they are other than they're “there”... not causing any particular trouble... yet... but they're “there”), I'm breathing well, no “gurgling” or “rolling” or “wheezing” or the likes (yet). So... that's fine enough for me for now. And as for having a smoke... it's all “halfies” at a time and no more actual “inhaling”... certainly not “deep”. It's more for the “flavour” at this point. I'm sure my nicotine levels are dropping. But I can't help but think of the stupidity of actually quitting at this juncture. Nothing will be (can be?) reversed now... and, besides... my ONLY concern at present is the DOVE. As for me? Well... BFD and FTS and such things as are said.
I've also gotten through the images for the month of September and am just getting to October. Have done a sheet for the “alignments” and such and plugging images into the pages. We it not so late at the moment, I might have gotten this month done but... right now, I wanted to catch-up with the day. - OH! BEFORE I FORGET... I WAS JUST WAKING FROM MY SNOOZE THIS AFTER-NOON WHEN *AGAIN*, SOME FUCKING BROAD COMES MARCHING UP TO THE FRONT DOOR, OPENS THE SCREEN AND TRIES THE INSIDE DOOR! I'M REALLY GETTING FED-THE-FUCK-UP WITH THIS SHIT! THAT, AND THE ONE-BURNER FUCKING STOVE AGAIN! I'D PUT “MEAL” ON TO HEAT, AND THE FUCKING BURNER WENT OUT AS THE POT WAS HEATING! I FUCKING DIDN'T GET TO EAT UNTIL ALMOST 17-FUCKING-30!!! YEAH... I'M GETTING PISSED OFF BEYOND DESCRIPTION AGAIN. - OK. Time to get evening supplies in to Ms. Dove for the night. - 20.01 OK. She's fine for the night. And I've had what should be my last couple of drags from a smoke for the day. - It's a shame, really, to look so forward to getting into bed, nice and comfy and yet, at the same time, DREADING, LITERALLY DREADING it! I look forward to a night's sleep (interrupted with all the running to the loo through-out, but with all the vit.C of late, that's no wonder), but I ABSOLUTLEY DREAD WHAT I'LL WAKE UP FEELING! Realistically, I know it's NEVER going to get any “better” now. Hell, even if they put me on “chemo” or did surgery, it's NEVER going to get “better”. So, I just do what I do for as long as I must do it until the time comes when there's nothing more to do... - And now? I'm going to put these 21 pages on the lap-top onto the server. Tomorrow, I'll work the images and just replace the page. A little tele. Perhaps a nosh and a hot water and... bed! (And NOT at mid-night!) - 20.10 HOLY SHIT! I'M MISSING DAYS HERE!!! THE 6TH, 8TH AND THE 14TH!!! WHAT THE FUCK? - 20.23 FOUND THE MISSING DAYS! WOW! HAVE I EVER BEEN “LOSING IT”!!! But to be fair, I'd simply forgotten to “break” the dates because I'd been staying up until mid-night and beyond... one night in particular was the Dove and making the cage. The other days? Well... getting up in the morning and feeling so like TOTAL SHIT that I didn't bother to jot any-thing in the morning... just got on with what-ever I could manage to accomplish. So the days ran together. BUT THEY'RE SAVED. I KNEW I'D JOTTED SOME-THING FOR EVERY DAY... I JUST KNEW IT. (OH... WAIT... WHEN THIS SHIT IN THE LUNGS WORKS IT WAY TO THE BRAIN... AS IT DOES... AND SO I'M READING A LOT ABOUT IT IN “THE EMPEROR OF ALL MALADIES”... I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN THAT “LUNG” METASTASISES TO THE BRAIN... OH, WHEN IT GETS TO THE BRAIN... oddly, I was just thinking about that only moments ago... as in, driving along the road and forgetting how to drive, where I am... that sort of thing... or simply passing out... or having a seizure... oh well... the latest “CT” showed all's well... “above the neck”. Had they never told me about this shit... but then again... let's see how the vitamins work... for a while. Yeah? What-the-fuck-ever. - Now to POST this and get it off the lap-top! Have a hot water... a Naproxen and BED! FUCK! - 20.41 Late but... at least the texts are up-dated... on BOTH on-line Journals. Tomorrow... more image work and... let's just see if we get a “tomorrow”... Hot water time... Naproxen time... Bed time!!! - 22.47 A bit of ice cream and the last of the PopTarts, 2 hot waters and now... TO BED! AT LAST (and HOPE... for a peaceful, restful sleep and early, painless rise tomorrow... for the sake of Ms. Dove... whose little house needs a cleaning).
Fri.23.Oct: 8.27 Up at 7.00... out of a VERY strange dream, indeed, off to pee, put on the coffee, put the khakis and the wind-breaker into the basin to soak. Coffee and vits. Wash the washing, a bit of soc.med. “on the bowl”. I was... WAS feeling quite amazingly “well” for the past hour. Then came the “loo” and for some reason, now, not “up to snuff”. Ah... there's no guarantee for ANY day, no matter what. But, at least the washing's on the line and the sun is coming up and the temperature is expected to follow and there are “things” to be done with this day and... we shall see what gets done (and what doesn't) when the day goes dark. Do I care? Well, yes... and mostly no. “Roll along... Roll along.” *I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.” But I can breathe freely so there we have it. (I'd like to stroll into the Richford clinic AND that wack-house in E-town and beat the mental anguish and physical discomfort I'm experiencing into those shit-sacks who just couldn't wait to say “nodule in the lung”. Fuckers! (Although... I can't help but wonder if it isn't really “dung-lung” or... is it that “dung-lung-related” CA that Cecil had. Oh well. I won't know because... I'm NOT going to find out.) - Moving along... with third coffee before the pee-oh begins the daily shit-show... THE DREAM:
IN the dream (1st person at the beginning and then, a mixture of 1st and 2nd person), in colour, day-light and night... I was waking up, on the floor, in a rather sparsely-furnished room in an old brown-stone. It was difficult to open my eyes, I'd apparently slept so deeply and though I knew I had to wake, I just didn't want to. There were others around me waking up as well and we were in some sort of “meeting”. Had we fallen asleep during the meeting or were waking up from a night's sleep to find all these people gathered for it was ambiguous, but there I was/we were and as I forced my eyes open, I noticed that those conducting the meeting didn't find the situation unusual in any fashion. We were in Newburgh, on a street that was rather like Lander or Washington Streets: the “inner city”, as they call it. The meeting was conducted by several Black women, dressed in “business” attire. (8.41... I need a bit of a snooze... OK. 9.13...) I was to understand that it was some sort of “Economic Development” meeting and that I was expected and not-expected to be there. When I finally got my eyes open, one of the women began chatting with me. “I come through town every once in a long while, just to see if there's been any progress. I wasn't born here. I was born in Cornwall, that was my first home. So I'm not really 'local'. And I really can't tell you why I have any interest in this shit-hole at all.” I told her. “What do you thing of where it is today?” she asked. “It's still doing what it's always done: getting worse. It's disappointing. Not unexpected, just a bit disappointing.” I said. The meeting was ending and all the people began to leave or to just move along to other rooms in the house. - It was night and one woman and I were walking a long a street that was a combination of Lander St. and Lower B'way in Newburgh. Residential with some larger business buildings, none of which were inhabited. Just “shells”. We walked along saying nothing. She just wanted to show me what the place looked like and I understood that she was quite proud of the fact that they'd “built” but I was disgusted because she was proud of the buildings but had NO clue that the buildings were worthless with-out business and residents. - We were back at the house, my clothes were wet (though I hadn't been out in any rain and there was no reason why I should be wet). I had to change clothes but couldn't find “mine” because there were other sets of clothing, wet and dry, strewn about on the floor and furniture in the same room where I'd woken to the meeting. It was night now. I was clothed in a t-shirt, white dress shirt, under-shorts that didn't fit properly (my “junk” had slipped-out under the “leg elastic”... just as with my actual under-wear these days; I noticed it, was self-conscious of it but I noticed that nobody else in the house had noticed), and socks. I was expected to put on some “cover” that was made of very heavy plastic, bright yellow with black printing of some kind on it. There were 2 “styles”: one was a “tube” of sorts, open at top and bottom, but with white rope at the top to be tied at the neck, the other was to be “folded” some-how, over the head and shoulders. The first offered more “protection” against rain and wind, but I was expected to wear the latter. I wasn't happy about it but at least it was some-thing better than the little clothing I was wearing. As I was trying to figure out how to fold this yellow item, a woman came over to me and pointed to my legs. I was covered in welts and bumps! Similar to “bites” but not red, or “blisters”, but not weeping. They went from my thighs to my feet! I was repulsed but not frantic and it was as if it was expected and that others had the same thing. Nobody knew what caused them, nobody was “happy” about them, but everybody pretty-much expected them to happen. There was “something about the house and its age and the air” that caused the reaction. Nobody offered any sort of treatment or help. The entire atmosphere was “So you have them now. There you go. Deal with it or not.” - I was trying to leave the house since the meeting was over. Making my way to the front door, there was a gathering of people including some “old guys” who were discussing some sort of apparently-important matters. In the group of men, a rather “odd-looking” fellow, a mis-shaped head, much broader at the top and sharply down to the chin, bearded, grey, quite curly and long hair... “eccentric” sort. I knew him (some-how), we knew each-other (some-how) and I didn't want to talk with him, I wanted to avoid him but as the group was gathered AT the front door, I had to figure a way to make my way past them all with-out being noticed. As I resolved to simply “stroll” past them and if addressed, continue on my way... I woke...
So I laid in the bed, glanced at the clock... 6.52. I decided to wait until 7.00. I felt fine... truly “FINE”. It had been a good night of sleep, up only at 1.25 to pee and then to sleep. Lights out at 23.00 after some more reading. My chest felt fine, breathing was great, not even the usual aches, contractions, pains, &c. in the side, legs, feet. “A good day”, I thought, as I laid there. Just as Oma would have “good days” and “bad days”, when, on the “good days” she'd get up, get her-self together, have breakfast and head out to drive “Mrs. This to there and Mrs. That to there”, and on the “bad days”, she'd crawl up and down the stairs in the house. So, I thought, there will be “good days” to come... there will be “bad days” to come... the “good days” will become less frequent... the “bad days” will become much worse. So we take what we get when we get it and work with it. - I got up and out of bed at 7.00 and... the rest is written. - The pee-oh is open, the idiots should be on their way. “Bayern 5” on the radio. I might be able to “paint” the truck today... I have to clean Mrs.' house today. The gas bill has to be paid... I'll wait until 10.00... 15 minutes. Other-wise? We shall see what we shall see when we've seen it... - 10.10 Gas bill paid! YAY! And it appears to be a glorious day out there... and the last of the leaves will be coming off the last of the trees that are holding, in the back yard. (NOT, mind, that it makes much difference to me because, I'm in no mood to fuck with the mower.) - So on with the day... or... what-ever. (This hanging about until 11.00 just fucks every-thing. I'm TIRED of this shit!) - 11.44 WELL!!! The “local” Journal is coded with images AND... the post is in... *** NYSEG NOTE *** I'D BUDGETED 50$ FOR THIS BILL... 16,39!!! AND THAT'S *THEIR* READING!!! THAT'S THE SECOND SAVINGS THIS MONTH! THE GAS IS PAID. THE ELECTRIC IS PAID! (I don't DARE go to look at the oil in the tank though.) AND BOTH CAME TO A SURPRISE... A PLEASANT SURPRISE! (I'm wondering where/when/how I'm about to be WHAMMY-HAMMER SLAMMED! And I just “know” that's coming... probably the oil but...) And the “expected delivery” from the pee-oh... the “Packette” from CDPCP Medicare. I don't believe I'll be taking advantage of that “Advantage” program... not at the moment. There's MUCH MORE I'll have to deal with... including the State and I don't want to be buggered by them again. Perhaps it's best to leave it alone. (I still have to pay the 180 or so for my “Pay-down”... I haven't “made that back” with the over-budgeting AND I NEED to buy that “hot-plate/counter-top cooker so...) But A WONDERFUL SURPRISE THIS MORNING WITH THE BILLS! *** - Now? To up-load all to server and then... THEN... To get to Ms. Dove's place. - Oh... a call from Donna this morning. I guess she got her “surgery” done this morning and phoned. The damned phones wouldn't put me through to catch her call so she left me a voice-message. She's “tired” and I “should go get my eyes done”. Eyes... as if I'm concerned about that now. Anyway, probably best that I “missed” the call. I really don't want to “chat” with her today. Actually, I don't want to “chat” with any-body these days. - OK... on to finish this all up and get it all together and then to Ms. Dove. And then... TEA TIME! What a morning. Quite nice. And the weather? Well... not too bad at all either. - 12.07 AND.... BILLS ARE CURRENT. JOURNALS ON SERVERS ARE CURRENT. TEA TIME, THEN DOVE TIME THEN... we shall see time. WOW! “Accomplished”! - 22.50 Well... late again but tomorrow's Saturday AND today wasn't a complete bust. The gas got paid (at LESS that budgeted). The electric got paid (at MUCH less than budgeted.) Ms. Dove's house got cleaned AND made properly. (Though I wasn't too thrilled about it none-the-less... I'll have to find her some-thing more “appropriate”... some-thing nicer, more “elegant”... the little sweet-heart... even though she's still so skittish when I'm in there, but I believe it's because she reacts to the motion and doesn't recall who I am. Still, she's a love.) AND the Journal is on-line (both, the “blog” and the site) with photos, up to the moment, as it were. AND... I GOT THE RUSTOLEUM ON THE TRUCK ROCKERS! AT LAST! (And it's still quite warm out and there's a lovely breeze blowing so there's air moving about to help it dry. Taping is going to be a bitch and a “proper” painting takes at least 24 hours to dry so... here's hoping for dry weather until, at least, Monday. HAH! I should be so lucky.) - Had salmon for meal this evening. So that's good and healthy. And breathing's been OK. Oh... and “lavage” is pretty-much caught-up. I want to do my towel at some point. (And I need to find a way to get blankets to a laundry... and the Hudson Bay to a dry cleaners... in Plattsburgh, I've no fucking doubt.) - One “item” of contention today: As I was working on the truck back at the garage, Alvin and Vivian used the drive to get through to where-ever they were going and actually had the fucking audacity to say “We want you to close the door so we can get through.” My reply? Well, I was going back into the house to get paper for the painting and all I said was (and not in a particularly disrespectful tone) “I honestly wonder why I pay rent to live here.” I closed the front door of the truck but not the “back” and didn't notice until I'd returned with the papers and they were gone. Ah... Fukkem! Seriously, it DOES piss me off. The ONE time I want to work on the truck, in the drive, where I'm paying for parking... and can't park closer to the house because of the tree limbs that might fall and the grade of the drive and they've got the fucking audacity to come through the drive and want me to stop my work on the truck so they can pass? I wouldn't mind as much were it not for the fact that I go out of my way to be considerate when it comes to walking the mountain, across some-body else's property. Oh well... And too, the bit about the stove not working, the inconsideration of the furnace maintenance... well... it's what we get for living in what used to be an actual slum. Of course, the pee-oh matter doesn't help. And then there's the folks walking into the house or trying to because of the pee-oh. Ah, the shit... the fuckerie. - Any-way... the house is together and it's been a day. Got the painting done between 15-16.00 and meal went on at 17.00 and was done by 18.00. - A bit of soc.med., nice “chat” on Twtr with “Sass” about weather and mountains and such. A bit of “tele”. Hot water and Naproxen and now... time to brush the teeth and head to the bed. No shower tonight (though I could, with a full tank of gas, but it's not necessary and I'm just too tired, to be honest). - Oh... and the vit.C arrived today! UPS. Corey. Delightful! I can keep my 4g/day regimen up now. 365 vit.D, 100 vit.E and probably about 600 vit.C. Let's see how this old body reacts to all this “healthy” shit. No, again, not expecting a “cure” of what-ever it is that's trying to kill me. But it might help to keep it “at bay” for a bit... Goal? Spring... so I can release Ms. Dove back to be with her friends and such. Hopefully, there'll be many of them for her when she gets back out, and they'll love her and she'll be happy and healthy and free and wiser for the experience, more alert to what's out there to call her a “meal”. I can't help but think: she's one of the ones that “Natural Selection” meant to “take out”. She was the “slow” one. But I intervened and disrupted that “Natural Selection”. Not sure if that's good or bad... interfering with “Nature”, but, I DO suppose we're meant to be as we are: I'm providing her with a safe place to recover and she's providing me with a reason to “be”, and to take care of me... for her, as it is. And when I was putting the pages and images together for the Journal, July was “Baby Buzz” the humming-bird... October is “Ms. Dove” the mourning dove. Interference with “Nature”... and kindness to little Lives. (No good deed goes un-punished.) - Off to bed! This is enough. Tomorrow is 4 fucking hours of that shit-box next door... and then... as I see, Friday-week.... 4° for the high, -1° for the low and... chance of *SNOW*. HERE IT COMES! (Funny though... right now, with cash-on-hand, if I put it together, I could get 100 gals. of oil for heat! HELL! LAST year I had to wait until the HEAP came and THEN had to wait for that “stimulus” in April. I'm not saying I expect this Winter to be easier, but for right at this moment... it's taken me 65 years to “break even”... just before I “check out”... I shouldn't doubt.) - Off to bed. - OH! The IKEA refund was posted today too.
Sat.24.Oct: 9.07 And another rainy-ish morning, beginning at 7.00. And now, the BS of the Pee-Oh. Saturday... But “Bayern 5” on the “radio” and nothing of grand import on the agenda. (Tomorrow? In the 1° weather, perhaps a trip to Plattsburgh... Walmarde, &c. To be decided... when/if tomorrow arrives.) - Just in from checking yesterday's “painting” on the truck. Looks “OK”. Time will tell. Tape to follow, I've no doubt. (I spent the money. I'll use the product!) - Meanwhile, surely, I'll find some sort of activity to occupy the hours to come. I should ponder tonight's “meal” if any-thing from the freezer is to be made. Oh... I just don't want to be bollocksed. - At least breathing isn't so much an “issue” and the general “pains” hare either tolerable or I'm becoming accustomed to them. I'm up, about... there, that covers it.
Thought today: Cancer... Re-reading “Emperor Of All Maladies”, this morning the fact: NOTHING in Creation, from the beginning to the end, lasts “eternally”. Flora, fauna, all manner of matter contrived and created, roads, office and housing, motors and vehicles, clothing, furnishings... EVERY-THING AND EVERY-ONE passes at one time or another. It IS the way of ALL, as it has been and will be. Cancer, of all sort and kind, is part of the living structure. It happens, no matter what else is done to avoid it. It's in the cellular structure, perhaps the very genetic structure of the cells of all “life”. It can be and is “addressed and treated”, but, it's “there”, no matter what's done to battle against it. It can be “removed” temporarily, but unless its basic component, structure, reason and cause can be eliminated, down to the very atomic, molecular base, it remains in the body, perhaps dormant, but it WILL return. “Death” is inevitable in ALL things. Again, people, flora, fauna, a road, a house, a vehicle, appliance, machine, furnishing, clothing... at some point, ALL will cease to function and then, cease to “be”. “Treating” cancer is nothing but postponing the inevitable. It's just one of many “ends” or “endings”. Opa died because of a blood clot lodged in the heart. Some die because of war, shot or blown to bits by some sort of bomb. Some die because the essential bodily organs simply stop functioning, like an engine in a motor vehicle... the organ simply stops... “Natural Cause”... of course. “Treating” cancer is a bit of insanity. Fine, for the moment, one doesn't die “because of cancer”... but no matter what... at some point in time, by some reason, event, cause, EVERY one WILL die, cease to exist. Better to let the course of all things run as it will, as it may. Get a cancer today, some-thing WILL come, eventually, to take us ALL away.
A delightful way to begin a day. Eh? And now... I believe I'll toddle to the futon for a snooze. Why? Because I'm a touch weary and because I CAN snooze when I'm weary now. (As the woman on the road crew said, yesterday: “You can be busy when you want to be and not busy when you don't want to be.” I think of those times when I walked for miles and hours, simply to just keep moving... - 9.42 Well... Ms. Dove made her usual “dance” when food and water were refreshed. The banshee-bitches in the pee-oh are screeching this morning. And the day goes on. And my general mood decays and declines. Charming. Just charming. - 23.37 One thing I must mention is how much better I've been feeling all day today. The “pressure” in the chest and the “lumps” in the throat have been either extremely tolerable or not noticeable. I'm not expecting any sort of “wonderful recovery” but it was “a good day”, generally. And the bills are all current, more to be paid on Monday, of course, but they're current. I got a couple of odd things done, like labels for the ginger and garlic on the spice shelf. Had burgers with veggie-rice for meal, yoghurt-ice cream after. Everything done by 18.00 (of course). It was warm enough to keep the furnace off for the day, but tonight will be dropping drastically. -2 by 8.00 tomorrow morning. Oh well. It's bound to happen. (Last year was a 200$ electric bill! THAT won't be happening this year, to be sure!) I've had my 2 hot waters and a Naproxen. Was considering a shower but am considering not tonight... tomorrow will be fine (though I could use one, to be sure). Chitting and chatting with “Sas” on the Twtr for a bit. Got a surprise “photo of a dog” in re. to my “good-night” post, from somebody in California (so the bio reads). A “follower”, though I don't know why. Anyway... another day is done. I'm going to have a “halfie”, brush my teeth, make sure the thermostat's set at 65F and off to bed. Tomorrow's Sunday... no pee-oh. (Oh, there's a “sign” on the front door now, printed “This is NOT the post office”. Direct and to the point. Will have to work on a large, wooden sign to HANG on the porch... I'd like to make it “pointy”... directed at eye level but... will try for some-thing a bit more “artful”... fuck.) - So there it is, there it's done. We'll see what comes tomorrow, if and when tomorrow arrives.
Sun.25.Oct:
Mon.26.Oct: 7.57 WELL... Second coffee almost done. The “robe canvas” is on the line (in the rain). Under-things on the soak. Soc.med. and e-mails done. The rent cheque is “in the mail” (dropped in the blue box at 6.30). I got out of bed at 6.00 (still not sure why) and by 6.20, 2 basins with washing, me dressed, kettle on... and it's been non-stop motion from since. - 8.17 Canvas on the line (in the continuing rain). Last beaker of coffee at hand. Ms. Dove served breakfast. She appears to be “well” this morning. And now... perhaps a “snooze” (only because there are bills to pay and I don't want to get to that before 9.00). The forecast is for continuing rain through the day. I WAS pondering the possibility of Plattsburgh today, though I can't really justify such a travel. There's nothing there that I truly “need”. (I keep thinking of the hot-plate... but that's an “on-line purchase”, to be sure... the rationale: 150$ for a new stove, with travel and hauling, or 70$ for the hot-plate and no travel, no hauling... it makes good sense but it's the matter of the money... AND... THERE'S HEATING TO CONSIDER... NOT JUST OF FOOD BUT OF THE HOUSE!). - Any-way... washing is done, feeding is done, vitamins are done... and the day rolls merrily (fuck) along. What other “chores” we accomplish (if any) will be seen... at end of day (which will come when least expected). Oh... I'll need to get oatmeal for “tea” at some point. 10 or 11.00 is fine for that. (Only about 28 on the FS though... and 2 weeks until more. It's not that I haven't the $ for it though. I'm just being overly “frugal”... We shall see.) - It's “chilly” in the house at the moment. About 7° out there. Hmpf. Hey! At least it's not the -17/-20° in Saskatchewan! (As seen on Twtr this morn.) - 10.17 Snooze taken and bills paid! Rain falling. Cunt in the pee-oh. And the day rolls on... - 21.42 I almost didn't bother to jot anything because, well... it's been a day of mostly napping, then up to throw frozen chicken into the oven, make rice, have meal, washing-up and... a little bit of Twtr and Mock The Week and now... hot water and Naproxen done... so is the day. - The robe canvas is in the shower, the ski sweater is on the rack (I gave it some “Gain” softener today). Ms. Dove has her evening food, earlier, and the curtain is closed. And ALL the bills for the month of November are paid (or in the post... as the rent)! Oh, speaking of which... instead of getting an “itemised” bill from the fucks at hospital, they just sent me a copy so... fukkem. It can fucking wait until I get read to do something about it which will be AFTER I make certain I have enough fuel to keep warm. - And now... a half-smoke before bed... thankfully my “insides” seem to be able to tolerate one, teeth-brushing (and they need filling again) and off to bed. Tomorrow's weather is expected to be a little (but not much) better than today. I'll have to ponder the Plattsburgh. (And I might make a “hanging sign” for the front, giving LOUDER notice that “This Is Not The Post Office”. just because. - That's that. Off to bed. - (Oh... things were rather “rocking” next door this evening. I wonder what THAT was all about. I actually heard voices and “thumping about”. Not complaining... it wasn't all that bad. (But I still wish I could find a place with-out some-body against the walls.)
Tue.27.Oct: 5.45 DREAM:
I was giving Ms. Dove more food when I noticed a bit of a mould or fungus on the seed in the container. I said to Cindiviv that I didn't understand it, that seed shouldn't go “bad” and hoped that I hadn't been giving her (Ms. Dove) any seed with the mould on it. “But you have. Look...” said Cindiviv, and I noticed that there was in fact, some on the seeds that I'd put in the little dish. I was heart-sick for having given the poor bird some-thing that might make her ill AND because I really couldn't afford to go get fresh food for her at that moment BUT that I had NO choice. We HAD to go to the store immediately.
We, Cindiviv and I, were in some small shopping mall where just about ever shop was closed-down, shut-down, dark. It was narrow and dark, save a few ceiling lights and the light from the store at the very end, which was where we were heading. I needed new boots and a set of clothes for some sort of “hike” or “expedition” related to some potential new job or some one of those reasons or another. It was but wasn't clear why I needed these new clothes (and it had nothing to do with the bird seed; it was and wasn't a continuation of the previous “scene” in the dream). I decided (for completely UN-known and UN-knowable reason) to take a short-cut or back-way into the store which involved leaving the mall-proper and going down to a brook that flowed under the building that housed the little mall. There was a stair-way up, out of the brook that would bring us right into the store. This brook was of the sort of the Quassaick as it runs under the Strook and though the water was quite clear, the bottom was rocky, with bits of debris and such, and that black scum and muck from decayed what-ever. Technically, the water was poison, but clear. And in we, Cindiviv and I, went. She managed to get along and up the stairs before I did. When I got in, I commented “It's probably freezing cold... oh, it's not all that bad.” It was “chilly” but certainly not cold. As I made my way into knee-deep water I suddenly realised that I was getting soaked and would be more-so and that I still had to get to the store and try on the new clothing I was there go buy. “This probably wasn't the brightest idea.” I called up to Cindiviv. “I'm going to have to go into the store soaking wet now. Oh well, too late now.” and I continued walking along over the rocks. I was wearing thongs and one slipped off my foot so I had to reach down into the water to fetch it. The water was still perfectly clear, I was in just over knee-deep but the very notion of having to reach down and wet my hands and arms was gut-wrenchingly disgusting to me. But... I did it. As I retrieved the thong, Cindiviv, already up the stairs and “in the store/mall” as it were, was complaining about having possibly stepped on some-thing as she'd traversed the brook, some-thing sharp. She was wearing clogs and apparently some-thing cut, poked, stabbed her right foot and it was painful. I was having a time of trying to navigate over the muck-blackened stones my-self, in the thongs and was annoyed with the whining but, I continued my way, letting her vent. When I finally reached the top of the stairs, in the mall/store I look at her foot. Yes, indeed, in fact, there was quite a “sewing needle”, almost “eye-deep” stuck in her foot. She was just whining about how much it hurt more than any-thing else about it. I thought it could be easily removed but that pliers would be best to pull it directly out. Still, I thought, with all the toxins in that water that she'd walked through, there was a serious threat of infection, not to mention the possibility of there being rust some-where on the needle and pulling it out might leave some of that in the wound. “You have to get to the ER for that.” I said, almost mechanically, but all the while sincerely concerned for her welfare. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!?” she hollered at me. “Well, pretty much the same way you got here, I suppose.” I said, not in an angry tone but I was truly annoyed with her tone and the stupidity of the question. “I CAN'T WALK ALL THE WAY!” she retorted. The hospital was about 10-12 regular blocks away, and (as would be in dreams) in the “sunny area” of the little town. I was at the end of my patience with her at this point and said, as calmly as I could “There's no reason why you can't drive your-self over there. I have to get this shopping done and you certainly don't need me to go and be and stay with you. I could take the needle out right here but there's too much risk of infection. You need to go to ER, have them remove it and they'll give you a... ... ...” and this is where I woke from the dream at about 4.45 because... BECAUSE, IN THE DREAM *AND* AS I WOKE, *AND* AS I LAID IN THE BED AWAKE, I COULDN'T RECALL THE WORD *** ANTIBIOTIC ***!!! SO, there I laid, in the bed, in the dark, running words through my mind: antidepressant, antibacterial, anti-this-and-that-and all sorts of words that do and don't exist AND becoming “concerned” because I couldn't “find” a word, so common, so familiar! Did I have a stroke in my sleep? Alzheimer's setting-in? WHAT? I KNOW the damned word! It was “there”, some-where, in my mind, “floating just beyond reach”. And I started to get me-self work-up over it. “Stop trying and it'll come.” I thought, and then started to wonder why I should get up at this hour. There's really no lavage to be done this morning. No doubt the “robe canvas” is still too damp to work with. I pondered patterns for crochet for a robe, came up with a couple of ideas for it, thought about where to get enough yarn, since Michael's and Walmarde don't have it these days (and I'll be fucked-raw if I'll make ANOTHER trip to VT, JoAnn's, for it OR pay the fucking outrageous shipping fees JoAnn's charges). Sure enough... “ANTIBIOTIC” came to mind, annoyed me because it had been so elusive and I decided to get up, out of bed, because I wasn't going to fall back to sleep any time soon and, well, why the fuck NOT get up and start the day. I'd had a solid 6-7 hours' sleep... and so... I did, I got up, put the kettle on, put on the “jammies-sweats”, a pair of “house socks”, the black slippers I usually wear after a “town-toddle”, the “in-side Sherpa” and... it's 6.17 now, I'm on 3rd coffee, just in from a quick-smoke on the back porch where it's still quite dark, the sound of Julius' loo fan can be heard in the stillness, it's not all that cold out there (or I'm still working on stored body-heat from getting out of bed and bundling-up) and I'm feeling well in the chest but “episodic” in the head. Ah... another morning... and all is as “normal” as “normal” has become of late. - As for the “daily agenda”, there's really nothing other than a need for some groceries, oatmeal or some sort of “tea nosh”, ice cream for after “meal”. I've a small list of items, iron-on patches (for jeans and such), “Gold Bond” powder (which I can't find... but then, I can't even find Baby Powder... can't find ANY powder in the pharmacy, FamDoll... and I don't believe I'd seen any in Walmarde when I was there last... WTAF IS THIS ALL ABOUT NOW? ANOTHER FUCKING HOUSE-HOLD ITEM TAKEN AWAY FOR SOME FUCKING REASON?). Oh well, alas and fuck. I'll just have to “roll with the time and day” again and see what, if any-thing, gets done with it all... a-fucking-gain. Mean-while... here I am, sitting at kitchen table, waiting for an appropriate time to visit with Ms. Dove. The sweater washed yesterday, is still SOAKED at the ends, the “robe canvas” is, indeed, still too damp to work with. I'm not in the mood to wash bed-linens, especially since I doubt they'll dry for this evening. And... well... I'm just going to have coffee, check the soc.meds. and see what comes of the time ahead. - The furnace has been running intermittently, a few times since I woke. I'm NOT going to check the fucking oil down there now and HOPE that the HEAP thing comes through before I have to put it ALL into that tank in one shot. Ah... well... another day... another “new normal”, not “perfectly well” day begins. - Fuck. - 6.36 Spiffy... just posted the 5 pages on lap-top Journal to the servers. Well... isn't that speshul? - 8.56 Coffee's done. The sun is actually shining. And I'm off for a snooze! - 9.52 Well... a 30-minute snooze and... still can't decide what to do with the day... BUT...
MUST NOTE THAT Ms. DOVE IS STANDING AND WALKING INCREDIBLY WELL THIS MORNING! REALLY! IMPRESSIVE! SHE'S AMAZING!
And I've put some gloves in the basin to wash, a tea at hand... and the time rolls along. (I thought I'd been snoozing for about 2 hours there. Imagine... only 30 minutes.) - 20.21 And another day comes to an end with...
*** 18.45 *** Snow. *** Wet. Not sticking to the ground, but snow. ***
It's changed to the slightest, lightest bit of a “chilled mist” now, but for a while, it truly was some snow. Well? Here we go! At least Ms. Dove isn't out in it. As a matter of fact, at about 14.00, I went to the market for ice cream (of course), yoghurt and oatmeal (for my mid-day vit.D and E) and when I got back, I headed down to the river with the clippers to get her more nesting grass because I saw the “snow” in the forecast. Ah well then... the bit of rain we've had rose the river just enough so I couldn't get out to the tufts of grass that I'd've liked to have gotten but I did manage to get quite a bit in a bag. So, I'm relatively happy with that much. There are some “clear” (but cold) days ahead and so there's time to get more. But there's quite a bit there now, for the immediate future. - Any-way, I came back in from that, threw the left-over rice in a pot with 2 eggs and a lot of veggies and called it “some-thing to eat” for the day. And, at 17.00, sat to “dine” (and, of course, WAY before 18.00, was done and did and that was that and it was off to soc.med. until. - MEAN-WHILE... AS I'M COOKING... THE PHONE... DONNA. I didn't get the call and so she left a message: Some bull-shit about me being mad at her, “You knew Dorothy was coming” and “I called you right after my eye surgery” and “now you're not talking to me”... in a whining tone. I let it go, though I found it insulting. WELL... as THAT turned out, I've JUST BEEN HUNG-UP ON! I rang back just now and asked if that was supposed to be a joke or something and she snapped “What?” and then said something along the lines of it not being a joke. So I said “You really are related to the Newburgh Yeomanses. You should seriously look into that. Maybe find a qualified professional and get some meds for it.” I didn't even get to say any-thing further when “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?” and a “plunk” sort of sound... She hung-up on me. Wonderful! Hey, I wasn't going to be arsed with calling back any-way but, that gives me all the reason not to answer calls nor to make any more to her. After that little bout of “attitude” with me the last time we spoke, when I told the story about Ms. Jacquie's owl eating their parakeet (“I TOLD YOU DON'T TELL ME ANY SAD STORIES! I IDON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY SAD STORIES! NOW I'LL BE AWAKE WITH NIGHT-MARES ALL NIGHT!”) I truly have no patience. Fukkem. Got along with-out them all these years... it won't be any-thing “new”. (I keep thinking along the same lines with Theresa... although I do have to wonder if she didn't take a turn to hospital or some-thing more serious... still, I tried to phone her, and left a message. If I'm not “important enough” to contact in time of trouble... again... “put in my proper place”... again. No problem!) - And so, on that note... Some-thing's giving me the worst gas! Maybe it's one of the vitamins, or the increase in the C, or a combination of some or all of the above. But, at least I must say that I'm feeling a bit better lately (except when I had a smoke going TO the market and then another coming back from... and the one on the return got tossed after a few drags because it made me just a tad too woozy... luckily I was stopped for the pavers). - Well... it's going for 21.00. Ms. Dove has been given more food for the night, her curtain is closed. She's fine (and doing SO WELL with getting around the cage... but I really have to start thinking about seeing how well she flies... not that I'll be tossing her out the door any time too soon, but I'm sure she could use the exercise... THAT should be “fun”). The house is in order and “comfortably cool/warm”. At least the furnace isn't running every 20 minutes. I'm relieved about that. And... there's a book at bed-side and a me that could use the nap. (I'll be turning my phones off tonight... or a quick stop on-line to block those 2 down South... no calls, no “texts”. I just, all to simply CANNOT CARE! I went YEARS with-out either of them... besides, I'm a bit ticked with Donna and her “Your father never said anything bad about you, In fact he used to talk with Len a lot and Len said that he wished things could have been different. He had his regrets.” Oh... BULL-SHIT! Between Ms. MakeNiceyNicey in SC and the other one, Ms. LetItGo in GA... On with my “life” as it was, is, were, what-the-fuck ever. - I'm off to a half-smoke, teeth-brush and to bed. MAYBE tomorrow, I'll get me out of here! Although, of note: I CAN'T FIND YARN ANY-WHERE! NOT EVEN ON-LINE! AND WHAT'S ON-LINE... THE CARRON THAT USED TO BE 6-7$ IS NOW 10$!!! Some-thing is TERRIBLY WRONG in this country/world. So... the robe-canvas is dry... I'll just get to work on that. Plattsburgh? Iron-on patches and... “stuff”... and gas... and “running the truck”! - 23.09 Well, the “Southerners” are blocked. I'd forgotten to take my Naproxen and so have done with the 3rd hot water (I'll be peeing through the night now). More riots in NYC and such tonight. Next Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be the proverbial “End of the World” with violence. Ah well... I'm off to bed now. The snow stopped. The forecast for tomorrow is “sun and 4°”. (I ought to check the oil? I probably will before making any decisions about going to Plattsburgh. If I combine money, I can pull 100 gals of oil. Last time, they took the money before making the delivery so if they're pulling that shit, I can't call for 100 and get only about 50 or so. So... I'll have to call for the rates... if need be... or simply wait and hope another week. Next week, Tuesday, comes Soc.Sec. and on Monday, HEAP season opens. So we shall see. Hey! Maybe I can get an emergency rush if I claim to have almost no oil? We shall see how it works out.) - Meanwhile... it's off to bed! There's that “lingering chill” in the house tonight. It's warm enough, but there's always “that chill”... probably the floor... and of course, the poorly-insulated walls... and then there's up-stairs being empty and... OH! Time for bed!
Wed.28.Oct: 8.20 WHAT A FUCKING HORRIFIC MISERABLE FRIGHTENING PAINFUL DREAM!!! Lights went out at mid-night mark and no interruptions until about 4.45 for loo-toddle. I went back to bed, pondered the possibility and potential of getting out of bed at 5.00 and fell back into a deep sleep with... a MOST HORRID NIGHT-MARE... NEVER MIND, “DREAM”:
The place was a MESS! A rather large “room”, more than a flat or house, though, it was, in fact, a small house. The walls were plain white, there was some sort of dark grey “trim” about the ceiling. It was quite well-lit with “natural light”, which was bright but at the same time, rather “not”. A “bluish” tint to it, similar to those “LED” bulbs, but it was “natural” light. Maybe a sort of fluorescent hue. Just one of those “not exactly comfortable” sorts of light but not the usual “night” or “twilight” of my dreams. “John” (brother) was there through-out. And indeed, it was actually him in the dream, as opposed to being some ambiguous sort of person. And LC, who was also actually her. And some woman-character who was both sister C. and yet, some “other” person, not related and not “personal”. SHE was more an “antagonist” in the event, a sort of “Realtor”, as it were, a “property manager” or some-thing of that kind. And as I say, the “house/room” was a MESS! There were bits of clothing, personal items, little speakers, a lap-top, socks, t-shirts, some jeans, a plastic folding “buffet table” strewn with all sorts of various shit, to be plain about it. But it was ALL bits of MY belongings. I was being MOVED-OUT! I wasn't “moving out”... I was BEING MOVED OUT! AND JOHN AND SOME OTHER FELLOW-FRIEND OF HIS WERE DOING THE MOVING. LC was there, supposedly for my moral support and the “Realtor” was there to supervise and make sure that the place was left in good order. Me? I was helplessly watching the event, at once “resigned” to it and also, not. John and friend had grabbed the stove and removed it from the premises to some-where. And then they removed the fridge... contents and all... just took it out. I was rather impressed with their strength and planning, to have simply taken the entire thing out of the house, with all of its contents. Understood in the event was that I'd had some sort of “house/room-mate” who couldn't afford to pay the rent and it was HE who was being “evicted”, as it were. It was never clear who “he” was, since “he” wasn't present and I really wasn't too concerned about “him” because it was MY belongings that were being forcibly removed. SUDDENLY... quite literally, it occurred to me that I HAD NO-WHERE TO GO TO WHEN ALL OF THE MOVING WAS DONE! LITERALLY, I HAD NO PLACE TO GO TO! I COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF A PLACE IN THE OUT-OF-DOORS WHERE I COULD “HUNKER-DOWN” (as, even in the dream, I'd already once done at some point in my past, “homeless” not being completely strange to me some-how). BUT NO-WHERE! The furnishings would be removed, I would be OUT, whether or not the doors were to be locked made no difference because, well... I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE ALL THE FURNISHINGS WERE BEING MOVED TO!!! THEY WERE SIMPLY BEING REMOVED! I quietly voiced the fact to “John”, covering my internal panic and anxiety and he simply looked to the floor and shook his head... and went back to grabbing the bits and pieces of items from the table, and kicking what was on the floor, out of his way as he brought stuff out. LC heard me and almost apathetically said, in a rather snarky tone of voice “Maybe you should get in touch with Mrs. 'Blane' (or Blair or Blue... some-thing along that line).” “Who is SHE?” I asked, because I'd never heard that name before.”THE OWNER?” LC replied in a sarcastic, condescending, snarky, malevolent tone. WHAT? I thought, The place was sold to some-body else? WHEN? HOW? WHAT? The rent's been going out as due and accepted for all these many months and... WHAT? The “owner”? WHO is this Mrs....? And from the “Realtor”... just a simple disgusted glance at me, a shake of the head, click-suck of the teeth and she continued with her “supervisory strut” about the place. NOBODY was paying ANY ATTENTION to ANY-THING OTHER THAN SHOVING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE! AND THEN... THE FACT STRUCK ME: I'D ALREADY POSTED THE RENT CHEQUE/PAYMENT FOR THE MONTH AHEAD! IT WAS COVERED, VALID, THE MONEY WAS, ABSOLUTELY, IN THE ACCOUNT. THE RENT WAS PAID... BY ME! NONE OF THIS “EVICTION” MADE ANY SENSE! IT WASN'T REALLY “LEGAL” NOR NECESSSARY! ALL DUE PAYMENTS WERE MADE! I NEEDED TO CALL ALDEN! (Yes, even in the dream, Alden was, to my knowledge, the land-lord.) I searched for my phones in a frantic panic, all the while thinking of all that had already been removed. What would I do even when the matter was rectified? I had NO idea WHERE ANY of my belongings had gone AND would these “thugs” who'd removed them, bring them back, since THEY were the only ones who knew where they'd moved every-thing to? Finding one phone, I scrolled, in frantic panic, to find Alden's number. On the “ATT” phone... NOTHING! NOT EVEN A RECORD OF PREVIOUS CALLS TO OR FROM... ON SKYPE OR GGLE-VOICE! In the mess on the table, I found the other phone and again, in an oppressive panic, I scrolled. NOTHING THERE EITHER! HOW COULD THIS BE?!?!?!? NOT EVEN A BLIP OF A MENTION OF A HINT OF *ANY* CONNECTION WITH/TO ALDEN? WHERE DID THE NUMBER, THE INFORMATION GO? LC “commented”, in, what had come to be the general tone of voices of “them”, a disgusted, apathetic, condescending tone “Maybe he blocked you.” NO! There was no reason or cause for him to do such a thing! And I, certainly, hadn't “blocked” his number! Unless I'd done by accident. But that wasn't possible. I hadn't blocked any number in the longest while, and I'd spoken with him fairly recently! I kept looking, scrolling, searching, “contacts”, applications... scrolling and pacing. I had NO place to go to now, I'd sent the proper payment for the rent, that “house/room-mate” had NOTHING to do with this situation and I shouldn't be removed from the premises! In the panic of searching, as my anxiety rose to a horrific crescendo, the confusion in my mind spinning to a whirling boil... I woke... it was 8.00...
WELL!!! THAT certainly deserves some kind of most serious thought, pondering, analysis! I mean, yes, I DID, before going to bed last night, “block” Donna and Dorothy from calling. (I've honestly no need of that sort of bull-shit... the “drama”, the “complex”, that “Why aren't you talking to me?” shit-show. Dorothy's previous “So be it.” and Donna's last night “Are you kidding me?” click. The last thing I need in my days these days is that sort of hysteria. And it's not as if we'd been in such close touch all through the years. So THAT shouldn't have bearing on the unconscious. What concerns me most is the “eviction” and the payment of rent, the fact that, since I've been here, in NR, I've made certain that all my bills (save the recent medical) have been current. There's a slight “hint” of concern in my mind about my “health”... A “Death premonition”? Being “removed” from the house that way? Rent paid. Bills paid. All else in order and helplessly watching my belongings being stripped away... and me, having NO PLACE to “go to”? Hmmm.... WELL!!! As I say... a RUDE awakening too a new day. I'll have to ponder... as time passes. - Meanwhile, Ms. Dove is nestled. The little “cage” is a mess, to be sure, as she'll make it. Food all about in there. I honestly don't know how she does it. I'm up, dressed, almost finished with coffee (at 9.17), “Bayern 5” on in the living-room. It's 5° or so out there, under the clouds, in the damp. But it's “cozy” in the house. I'm still considering heading to Plattsburgh at some point (preferable before or shortly after 10.00). “Breathing” is “fine” this morning. It's really just a matter of money... and oil... and heat... and the *MINUSES* in the temperatures in the forecast and the snows and flurries and... OK then. - 9.36 and the morning is RUNNING AMOK! I need to get me together here. The pee-oh is up, open, running and slamming shit against the walls as the banshee screeches. Another day comes rolling in. - 10.43 DELIGHT! Just up from checking the OIL: JUST below (or “AT”) the QUARTER TANK! Down by about 69 gallons... CERTAINLY NOT enough to call for a delivery of 100 (minimum). And not REALLY enough to “panic” about. Of course, that'll change in the “negative days” to come, but, it's rather a relief. - And, according to “notifications”, Kubler-Ross and the Oncology Nursing PDR are in the post box. So... on with planning the rest of the day... which appears to include Plattsburgh... but I better get moving SOON! - 11.21 The PDR (Oncology Nursing) arrived. Kubler-Ross and the Psychodynamics are sitting in Pennsylvania (where Philly is being ransacked... ah... the “Democrats”). So, I can “read-up” on the 2013 meds... not. But it's on the shelf in the living-room. (OH! What people will think when they sort through... when I'm “gone”.) And so I'm off... there are a few things in Plattsurgh that will make the trip worth the effort (not to mention gas for the truck). So? So... a way to pass the time... whilst we have some. - I'm still pondering that “dream”. - 21.02 I MADE IT! I MADE THE TRIP TO PLATTSBURGH! AND... I MANAGED TO GET EVERY-THING ON MY LIST (save the for the bird food and the wood for the pee-oh sign)!!! I WAS AMAZED! TOOK ME FOR-EVER, BUT I GOT THE ENTIRE LIST! AND I HAD THE MOST WONDEFUL CHAT WITH “SUSANNA”, AN ELDERY WOMAN FROM ARGENTINA! SHE AND I CHATTED FOR THE LONGEST WHILE (AND SHE WATCHES “FOX NEWS”!). I left at about 13.00 and got back at 18.00! It could have been quicker, but when I got there, and started finding the things I wanted, I just resigned to taking my time browsing and looking for more! AND, the weather held, it rained whilst I was in the store and came out to a BRILLIANT rain-bow and brilliant sun-shine! And the chat with Susanna was SO UP-LIFTING! JUST WONDERFUL! And then off to fill the tank at Mobil, a quick run across to Lowes for the wood and hard-ware and a stop at Westport for 6$ in gas (at 20-fucking-cents MORE per gallon than in Plattsburgh, but the tank is FULL again and with the sub-freezing temperatures coming, I'm happy about that). I even got a shelf (already installed) for the shower! After gas at Westport, a stop at Aubuchon's for the bird food and HOME! - Pasta for meal with ice cream after, at about 19.00 and bu 20.00... DONE! WHAT A DAY! - The only draw-back to it all... my eyes. They really are getting worse. It's becoming an effort to drive now. Very sad... VERY sad. Driving along the Northway and not being able to simply enjoy the drive. But, I MADE IT! AND I'M HAPPY I DID! (Had I more money, I could have gotten most of the yarn for a house-robe too, but, fortunately, I passed on that purchase at Walmarde.) AND... I even had to use the VT card for the Lowes purchase and, when I got in, the 11$ DIDN'T make that account screech. Just marvellous! - And now? All things are put where they ought to be. The sweater was finally dry enough to fold and put away. The house is “in order” and I'm quite tired! But tired for great reason. - One note: On the drive to, I had to PEE SO BADLY! And when I got to the one rest area on the Northway that's still open, I COULDN'T GET TO THE PARKING THAT WASN'T SET ASIDE FOR TRUCKS (larger than mine)! So I drove in, drove out and when I got to the Walmarde mall, I parked by Staples in an empty section, pulled-out the plastic jug and had a slash in the truck. THANKFULLY... NO “ACCIDENT”! But again... batteries, shelf, iron-on patches... EVERY item on the list... and all at one place! AND, although it isn't thrilling, there's still money in the accounts! BRILLIANT! - Right now, having an extra hot water, having taken the Naproxen and finishing the ice cream. Almost ready for BED! - AND AND AND... WHEN I GOT IN THIS EVENING, Ms. DOVE WAS JUST INCREDIBLE! I TALKED WITH HER A BIT AND SHE JUST SAT THERE, STARING AT ME, NOT SHAKING! SO PRECIOUS! - And so, the day today is done and tomorrow will be what it will be. Hey! There's oil in the furnace, items in the house, I can sew and patch jeans. And there's the day... after that HORRID NIGHT-MARE! - 22.48 Got TWO e-mails from Theresa today. Well, one e-mail, very sweet, and a link to a mellow song. Well, it's nice to know she's alive (I was wondering). - And now... teeth and BED! It was quite a day. (And the furnace is just off so it's nice and warm. -10 on Friday night...)
Thu.29.Oct: 8.44 Up at 4.30... to pee... back to bed to consider getting out of bed at 5.00 and waking again at about 7.45... and finally out of bed at almost 8.00. Feeling? “Ick”. “Bloated” and a touch on the nauseated-side of life. Just gave Ms. Dove her morning “refreshment” and “nourishment”. Thankfully, it wasn't as chaotic as has been in the past. But that cage needs a cleaning... tomorrow. I'm tired... the usual “tired”... of each and every morning and day. I'm supposing, this is how it's going to be from now on: tired, no matter what. I mean, the lights went out before 23.00 last night after a quick reading. Head on the pillow and “out”. No dreams, good, bad or other-wise, that I recall. And the house is comfortably warm this morning. Yeah, this “tired” is now the way it will always be. - Agenda du jour? I'm trying to stop my mind on one item long enough. Washing jammies. Washing bed-linens. Sign-painting. Working on the porch light and shade. It's over-cast so there's no mowing (attempts). There's all that lumber in the garage for a chair. I just don't want to be “bollocksed” with “doing” much of any sort of thing. Oh yeah... and the robe. I can't remember how I did that previous one and I keep thinking how much I want to get to this one but for some reason... not. Yeah, I suppose this is how it's to be... from now until... - Well? Coffee's done and I'm on the second. I'm dressed. Have had a quick smoke on the back porch. And... there we have it. I'm out of bed, attired... there's that much. - 18.15 Well, I broke-down, went to FamDoll for juice, pop-tarts, ice cream and smokes... at 15.30. And that was the extent of my “accomplishments” for the day. Really. Terrible, when I think that I want to make the “pee-oh” sign, the house-robe, the shade for the porch light... general things. I still haven't made the “hornet nest” for the porch, mostly because I don't have the news-paper for that and the Dove's cage. Ah... wasteful me. - Ms. Dove? She was quite animated today. And her cage NEEDS a clean-up (on the plan for tomorrow...). I might give her run of the living-room whilst I “clean house” to give her some exercise. My heart breaks when I think: she might miss her “Mr.”, miss the ability to fly free, to travel, as I'm sure she would. But she still limps a bit and that left wing doesn't “lay” as it should, against her little body. I don't want her to be injured, have to fight against the cold rains that are falling, and against the bitter cold nights to come... not with her little injuries. My heart is in the right place... I can only hope there's some sort of understanding... I doubt there is, but, I can hope. - And the house is chilly right now. There's more rain falling out-side right now and it's dark (of course). I'm almost ready to go to sleep and will probably take a snooze in a moment. No shower tonight though. Maybe tomorrow I'll wash the bed-linens again. We shall see. But for now... pass the time until bed. That's that. - Was just taking a glance in the mirror: my face seems wan (if that's the word). I can't help but think I'm eating to nourish “some-thing other than me”. Oh well. Just get me through next Tuesday... the vote. - 22.09 Well, it's about to be another late one but I really don't much care. I've had 2 hot waters, taken the Naproxen, will have another hot water just because, a quick smoke and then to bed. I see, in the forecast, tomorrow morning at 8.00 will be bringing us... MINUS 9°! WOW! Earlier, I heard Ms. Dove fluttering about in her room. I'm SO relieved that she's not out there in her condition, having to fend for her-self. (Though I'm pretty sure she doesn't see it that way.) Well... She's safe and warm in here, has more than enough food for quite a while, and water. And there's a new “nest” waiting in the living-room and more nesting grass in her room for the next couple of nests. Hopefully tomorrow she'll have a bit of a “go” at larger space... in the living-room? We shall see how that works for her. (And how getting her back works for me! OH MY!) - Any-way... I noticed that the tea-lights from Walmarde are much thinner than those from IKEA but I have 200 and will, no doubt, at some point during the day, be burning some in the “terracotta”. We shall see how that works out. Right now, the furnace is running. I think I should call HEAP tomorrow just to be certain about my eligibility! Yes, indeed, I shall. Meanwhile... time to toddle... to water... smoke... bed! - 23.35 Well... thank goodness I've got no money to go shopping with nor to re-fill the gas tank... off to bed then... let's see how the night goes. (Just watched 2 episodes of “Waiting For God”.)
Fri.30.Oct:
Sat.31.Oct: (Ms. Dove was OUT and ABOUT! 9.19 I'm rather “concerned” this morning... although I'm up, dressed, coffee at hand, Ms. Dove has her “breakfast”, under-things are in the basin and the feeder on the back porch is filled... (so much for those details). I did wake at about 4.30.... then again at about 6.00. As I lay in bed considering the possibility of getting up and about, I fell back into “REM” sleep... and indeed... dreamt:
It was some-what a “1st person” dream, as I was looking about me, and busy doing some-thing or another... but the entire dream was a telephone conversation with Ms. Jacquie! Most of it was listening to her talking about just about every sort of topic possible, as she does, bouncing about with this, that and the other, talking about people I've never met and never will. I can't even recall what she said, but it just seems to have gone on for the longest while until just before I woke... I was “hearing” her, not paying any attention, really, and suddenly I thought, in the dream “Why am I on the phone with her? I can't even remember if she called me or I called her! And if I called her, WHY did I call her? I really don't want to talk with her any-way.” I woke... it was 8.40!!!
So much for getting up at a civil hour. AND... Ms. Dove was up and standing centre-cage as I passed her door en route to the loo. Poor baby! So I went to the loo, put the kettle on, and, since it was chilly in the house (-3/-6° out there this morning and the mums on the front porch are “frosted”!... but, thankfully, it's not the -12° of last night's forecast) immediately got dressed and on with the general running of a morning. As I moved about with morning “chores” (including putting the little washing in the basin) it hit me: WHY did I have such a “lengthy” dream about “Madame”? AND... why a telephone conversation? What's this about? (Right now I'm just thinking that it might be a distortion of sorts of my thought of ringing Ev yesterday. But... - OK. Mean-while here and now... “Kan Tarbut” is on the “radio” (some sort of reggae tune... “Kultur”, as it were), the banging of the pee-oh is under-way and... MY CHEST AND THROAT ARE CONSTRICTED AGAIN... It was a few really “good days” there, for a while. This morning, we're back to the “constriction”. Not the “stone” or “rock” in the chest... out-right “constriction”. So I need to get and keep busy this morning. Certainly not a “hike” of any sort, in this chill “by the moment”... (b'rega), but some-thing “active”. - Other-wise, I slept through the night, for the most part. Delightful. And this morning it was so lovely to wake in the clean linens and such. So... - Oh... before lights out last night (round about mid-night, unfortunately), I was reading October 2011's Journal entries. SO MUCH is missing! SO SO SO much. I was “noting” on the iPod and REALLY was negligent. The days are all screwed about, no mention of the hostel... the general fuckeries of the North Star... Hey... maybe there's something to “work with/on” over winter. (HAH! I need to get busy with the ROBE!) - OK. So on that note, on with the morning, the day, the chores... time to get “busy”... moving. The furnace is running... no surprise there. The “cold” is upon us. - Oh... John... 63 today. Imagine? “THEY” are getting “old”. Thankfully, they're doing it on their own... Fucking shit-bags... the lot of them. Hey... “relatives” are acts of “Nature”... Sometimes it's just the way the shit falls. - 12.31 So... nothing at all in today's post. I've “sifted through” the new bag of seeds for Ms. Dove. Not feeling much-to-any better than this morning. But the sun is shining and the air is crisp, the morning's frost is gone and the day moves along... and I'm no closer to the robe nor the pee-oh signage. Alas. Kettle on for after-noon oatmeal and vits.D and E, and the day... rolls on. - 22.18 But soon, 'twill be only 21.18. None-the-less... I'll jot and get to bed. No excuse for hanging about all night just for that “extra hour”. - 23.20 HAD to give a go at “going” just now... my stomach's been “bloated”, some-what “extended” so I just spent some time on the bowl. One stool... relatively “OK” in size but not equivalent to “intake”. Hmmm... - Never mind... teeth brushed too and ready for beddie. - But the day? Well, I started on the robe, pinned the shoulders, will work the rest tomorrow. - Ms. Dove managed to get out of the cage when I gave her “lunch” so I just let her have run of the house for a bit. She was SO FUNNY... scurrying out to the living-room. Spent most of her time under the “geranium table”. She's not flying... poor thing. But she was SO CUTE! Didn't seem to be in any sort of panic. And yes, put up a bit of a fuss when I tried to get her back into her cage, but one in, she settled. I tend to believe that she's aware that she's not going to be harmed here. I can hope. - “Meal” was annoying. Backed the usual chicken and decided to make the rice with mushroom soup. The fucking burner fucked about and I almost lost the entire pot of rice. Looks like I have no choice... I'll have to break into the savings and buy that 70$ hot-plate if I'm to eat this Winter. FUCK! OK. It's half the price of a new stove but... still... I'm fucking annoyed. (Truth? If not for Ms. Dove, I'd just open the smokes and enjoy them in the comfort of the house. “Rules” are off! Fuck this shit. Between the kow-towing to the pee-oh and the stove... and the using the drive as a through-way... and being expected to close the truck doors “so we can pass”... Nope... OFF!) - Anyway... that's that for the day and I'm off to bed. - I'm going for one more half-smoke... re-brush the teeth and... (the furnace is up... it IS a touch chilly in here... but thankfully, only single-digit temps tonight... minus, but single-digit). - HOLY SHIT! OCTOBER'S GONE! WOW-FUCK, THAT WAS QUICK!