Tue.1. Mar: 7.22 Sun-shine. 12°F on the wood-shed thermo. And in spite of wanting to be OUT of here by now, I turned the alarms off this morning and fell back to sleep! Now, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of this day. I don’t want to be in this house. But… Hell, as I thought about it last night, I am now waiting to be told that I have to leave. I expect the suggestion that I discuss moving into Jacquie’s. Oh, it won’t be the first time. It WILL be the last though. People are a mess, generally speaking. Well.. nothing to do but move along… forward. Gee. It’s not like I’ve never done THAT before either. – 15.09 (at Jacquie’s) OK… the day and away… Well, I was out the door by about 9.00, Princess was asleep mid-bed. Dixie and Ellie out for a “moke’n’peepee” and then I was off to Jacquie’s! 9.30 or so, Hallie had breakfast, Mme. Blanche-Noir got moring visit. I came into the house to start the fire in the stove and get ready to go vote… AH.. Vote… I could NOT find the “registration receipt”! I had NO idea what to expect over there at the school and I wanted to have, at least, that! So? So, it meant I had to stop back at la cage! And the anxieties began to roll! It must have been about 10.00-something when I headed back and u to the room (as Princess continued to sleep, of course). BUT… NOT BEFORE HAULING ABOUT 13 BAGS OF PELLETS FROM SHED TO PORCH! THEN, up to the room where, after a HUNT, I found the paper-work and… brought poor Dixie out for a pee and then walked up to the school. – Town Meeting… indeed. But the entrance to that school looks more like the entrance to a park toilet. Inside the front doors is OK. The meeting was in swing in the auditorium and I stood at the back for a bit, to get some idea as to what was going on. am, Dave, Jess and some “familiar” faces were there. Questions were being presented. I finally moseyed to the table where the “lists” of registrants covered 2 large folding tables. I gave my name, they ticked it, and then the little old lady asked “Democrat or Republican?” WELL! Never mind not swinging a vote! It’s hours later and I still feel that, in this town, in this state, they’ll screw with the votes some-how and swing them all over to that blithering Socialist idiot. I can hope they don’t though. But, I spoke with no-one, did my little Presidential fill-in-the-dot (Trump… New York) and headed out the door. DONE! First Presidential vote for me! By 11.45 I was back in the house. – The rest of the day? A waste, really. Social Media. JK Woodhauler on Twtr now. – I just can’t seem to shake that bull-shit of last night though. Imagine… I spew about making sure the dogs have water and the response is “I’ve been very good to you.” FUCK YOU! As I’ve thought all day: Watched and protected your fucking house this past Summer and put up with the bull-shit of your “friend” there. Maintained your property, hauling pellets to the porch, bringing your dogs out for “pee-breaks”, shovelling snow, chopping ice… etc., etc., and all the while NOT EATING YOUR FOOD, NOT SHOWERING IN YOUR HOUSE, NOT DOING MY WASH IN YOUR HOUSE, NOT PLAYING LOUD MUSIC (unlike YOU), and so much more. AND… spending as much time OUT of your house as possible so YOU can play your music or what-the-fuck-ever. OK! Fuck off! Oh yeah… I’m waiting for the back-lash… you know: You might want to ask Jacquie if you could move in over there. I KNOW it’s coming. – Meanwhile, I’m just waiting for a little darkness to fall so I can sneak out to the market for more food-stuffs. Hopefully the new FS got posted today. Not that I’m going to get all that much. But… it would be nice. – Now… Hopefully to a bit more on the book! I got my “biz cards” printed… 20 of them, but it’s a nice start. Me… WP blog. Nice start. – 20.12 In bed. Stomach’s churning. Had the trots again during the day. But… – Early voting counts: Trump on the Rep. Bernie won across VT (of course… brain dead… but still, better than Hillary!). – Just got in and took the girls out for moke’n’peepee. All of the bags of pellets that I’d brought to the porch are still there. I was tempted to bring in. I didn’t bother. Bob on recliner with sleeping princess. I’m going to have my tea and get to sleep. I need to get to the market tomorrow at some point. And I’d like to get an early start on the day if at all possible. No sleeping through or after alarms. And hopefully much more on the book. It’s more difficult than I’d thought, writing about people and trying to put the time together into one short story. Oh well… a challenge. – Soc.med. and seepie-nigh-night. (The girls got their treat too. Sweet little things that they are.)

Wed.2.Mar: 6.05 Rain. And another day of feeling dragged along. Needing to GO! GET OUT! GET AWAY! And getting something substantial done on the next book. Why? Simply, because. And feeling ever SO TRAPPED! Good morning anxieties – 10.06 Hallie has been fed, fresh water in the bowl. Mme.BN has been visited and fresh food and water for her as well. The back stoop is swept and salted. The fire is going in the stove and wood for the day has been stacked. Me? In a most “sour” mood this morning. I can’t find my steel ruler and when looking for it, noticed some boxes that have been, apparently, rifled. Well… and all that keeps going through my mind is: The other night I simply said “It’s too much to pour one fucking glass of water into the bowl?” (for Dixie and Ellie) and the response was “I have been very good to you.” It annoys me on so many points, not the least of which is that the response had nothing to do with what I’d said AND I KNOW, full-well, where the freak’s comments came from. I SO NEED to get the fuck out of here. SO… NEED. – Well, let’s see what we can salvage of this day, if anything. – The roads are covered in ice from this morning’s little ice-fall. No going to market… at least not right now. AND… I STINK! Stale me, stale clothes, and DOG. I’m sick to death of that shit too. – 21.13 I GOT INVITED TO AND ATTENDED BOB’S “BIRTHDAY” DINNER AT “PARKSIDE” IN ENOSBURGH!I’d spent the day with Hallie, copying files from the lap-top to CD (and learnt that I’ve got 2 GIGS just in Asus images alone! TOO much for CDs!). I managed to take an hour’s nap too, on the recliner from 13-14.00. Nice. – Then, at about 15.00, the phone rang: Bob, asking Jacquie if she’d call him, he was looking for me. Not sure whether it might have to do with Lyle, I grabbed Jacquie’s mail and headed out to post that and go to la cage when Bob showed at the back door! Said he WANTED me to join Lyle, their Eric and he for his birthday dinner! I went… I really couldn’t back out at that point.- It was nice. I had a calzone. And I did appreciate it because I didn’t get to the market today to get food because of all the ice! And I do suppose it was nice being out of Franklin. Dinner was quiet. Of course, nobody was out this evening because of all the ice all over the place. And yes, I did enjoy. (Calzone was about 6,00$ though. NOTHING like NYC calzones, of course.) – Dinner done, their Eric walked back to his place. He’ll be at la cage tomorrow evening for dinner. (I can’t do 2 in a row.) – We got back, I sat and watched a bit of a movie with them until about 19.30 when I went back to the house to feed Ms. Hallie and put a fire in the stove. It’s supposed to drop to 1°F tonight! – In the room, it’s comfy warm. – BUT I CANNOT FIND MY STEEL RULER! PISSES ME OFF! IT’S HERE SOME-WHERE… I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER WHERE! – Well, I must get the “Evening Report” off to Jacquie now and get me to nap-time. – Nice day over-all and looking forward to laundry and such tomorrow… wow. I WANT to get it all done before Friday this week!

Thu.3.Mar: 6.06 What is the PURPOSE of “being”? – Bitter cold this morning. Wood-shed thermo reads 4°F and the wood floor of the back porch snapped as I stood on it. March. Not that that means anything much of anything at all. It’s still very much Winter. It’s still very much “Ice”. – Jacquie will be flying back North this morning and will be back in BTV this after-noon. I need to get to the market. I need to get my laundry done. I need to clean her house. I need to find my steel ruler. I’d like to go back to sleep. I woke before the alarms this morning though. – Their Eric will be here for dinner this evening. None of this means anything, really. None of it all means anything at all… really. – What IS the PURPOSE of “being”? – Another day. – The windows are frosted over. – Another day. – 23.24 JUST getting into bed after chatting with “princess” who, at about 22.45 wanted to start re-arranging all sorts of things on the wall in the parlour. But, I simply said “No. Not at 11pm.” and it went fine. I’m relieved. –
10 bkfst for ms Hallie and chicken
got into the truck and 84$ of PROVISIONS! 7 bags. Much coffee, teas, creamer, 5 tins fruits, 10 tins Chunky soups (plus 1), 5 pasta, now have 3 boxes “Simply Living” cereal (plus half at Jacquie’s, full larder!
Back to house to mop floor (looks ok already and thankfully because came back to la cage at about 16.00 for pizza dinner and at 19.00 for dinner for Hallie. note from Kerry at 1700 she took her for a walk)
Jaquie’s back and at work
tomorrow is laundry and I wonder if Kerry will show up. I don’t give a shit.
OH FOUND THE RULER! IT WAS IN THE ART CASE BEHID THE PANEL ON THE TOP! I’d gone and pulled out the mail sax and looked in the luggage! Never thought to look in that compartment! But I have the ruler! Will cut the card tomorrow!
Dinner with Eric. They watched movies. he left 20.30
Lyle baked an intensely chocolate chocolate cake with chocolate icing. INTENSE.
Ellie got into the room and devoured the bag of ”’treats”! Fucking little bitch. No more leaving the door open.
Last smoke with the dogs and Lyle this evening. Very “nice”.
Hoping for early day tomorrow
Laundry and floors.
Back to normal… Sunday off the hook.
Jacquie thinks I’ll bring Hallie. nope.
time for tea and sleep!

Fri.4.Mar: 7.10 COLD morning. 3°F on the wood-shed. Less 10 on the barn. And I slept after the alarms. Well, only about an hour. Not TOO bad. – This morning I think: Jacquie came up from 77° yesterday, to this. Quite the difference. And I think of that “sub” they have who gets picked-up for work and brought home at days’ end and how I biked to the post office, nobody to “deliver” me. Interesting, indeed. I worked to get to work and it was never appreciated. And now? It’s going to be close to impossible to get another job! I don’t know what to do! – And I’m out of US cash and down on smokes. I’ve got some tobacco left. Can get papers and do rollies again. And I should be happy with that much. Thoughts of the morning. – And this house… the stench of something rotten! I don’t know how THEY can’t smell it or how it doesn’t bother them. It’s really disgusting. Especially first thing in the morning. – I need to make a wash… bed linens, clothes, me. And wondering if Kerry will drop by. Not that I truly care one way or another. I just don’t like the idea. Oh well… It’s morning, another day, more anxieties. – 14.29 Just cut the biz cards for the WP blog! Not too bad. Thankfully for the steel ruler. – Was out of la cage by about 9.30, with all my laundry and when I got to Jacquie’s… Kerry was just coming out with Hallie. Well, she stayed whilst I gave Hallie breakfast and as she left, I brought water to Mme. Blanche-Noire. When I went back into the house, the kitchen floor was mud under the chair where Kerry had sat. Honestly. Liberal retards. Well, I got to work cleaning the wood-stove and checking the “combustor” and cleaning that out a bit as my wash washed. Then continued on as my wash dried. It’s all on the bed here, now, save the clothes which I’ll get when I get back (after they’ve dried and I’ve showered). *** MEANWHILE *** I DISCOVERED, THIS MORNING, THE STENCH IN THE HOUSE!!! SEEMS “SOMEBODY” LEFT A JET OPEN ON THE STOVE ALL EVENING AND THROUGH THE NIGHT AND IT WAS *** PROPANE*** EMPTYING INTO THE HOUSE *** ALL NIGHT ***!!! I DISCOVERED IT AT ABOUT 7.00 THIS MORNING WHEN I CAME BACK IN FROM MY SMOKE!!! IT SMELLED AS IF SOMETHING HAD DIED IN THE WALLS AND SUDDENLY I THOUGHT: PROPANE? SURE ENOUGH! *** SO BEFORE I LEFT LA CAGE, I SENT A TEXT TO BOB TO TELL HIM THAT THE TANK HAD EMPTIED. *** I’VE STILL GOTTEN NO REPLY BUT KERRY TOLD ME THAT SHE’D SEEN DIXIE OUT OF THE HOUSE AS SHE CAME TO JACQUIE’S. APPARENTLY LYLE WAS AIRING THE PLACE. NOT ENOUGH THAT, THOUGH… WHEN I CAME BACK AT ABOUT 11.50 LYLE WAS SOUND ASLEEP ON THE RECLINER AGAIN AND THE PELLET STOVE WAS OFF (and still is). THE STENCH WAS GONE ABOUT 10 MINUTES AFTER I’D SHUT THE JET BUT… SO MUCH FOR THE CLAIMS “EVER SINCE I’VE DEVELOPED THE NEUROPATHY FROM THE DIABETES I’VE BEEN OVER-SENSITIVE TO SMELLS.” RIGHT… DIDN’T SMELL THE FUCKING PROPANE ALL NIGHT NOR THIS MORNING. SUCH BULL-SHIT, THESE “PEOPLE”. – That said… having a coffee and will be returning to Jacquie’s to put my wash into the dryer. Tomorrow evening I’ll re-do the floors. No sense doing them now. But tonight… Pot pies for dinner… THREE! I bought 6 and have tonight and tomorrow to get rid of them. Oh well… – Oh… I went into the barn and got the ice chopper too and got that in the back of la cage, on the front pavement and a lot from Jacquie’s back stoop. OK. I’ve “accomplished”. – 20.33 And at the little corner desk. Bed’s made. Clothes and such… clean. Just up from a rollie with the girls. And down-stairs… “company”. New. Naked. How charming. Oh well. None of my business, so long as I don’t have to hear bull-shit all night. If so… back to Jacquie’s for the night… thankfully I have that option. – Anyway… it was about 17.30, the phone at Jacquie’s rang. Lyle… “Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes. We made enough for you. We’re having pork chops, mixed vegetables. OK. So-long now.” I ignored. I was getting ready to shower. And so I did. Forget my “toiletries” but made do, of course, and enjoyed none-the-less. Then report to Jacquie and some stuff on Twitter since I’d seen Cruz make a very moving and rather convincing speech. Now I know why we have to vote again in November. But at this point, Cruz seems to be where my vote will go then (if I’m still around… and I’m hoping I won’t be). Yes, I watched a bit of TV as I ate 3 pot pies. (I wanted ice cream but the fucking card machine wasn’t working at the store again! I swear they do it to make the cash. And, after all, it’s tax season. Fuckers.) – 1010 WINS news has a story about finding all sorts of knives and such at the 30th Street shelter! HAH! I tweeted a reference to “Journal Days” and now, before sleep, I’m going to make a little “book excerpt” to post. Hey! Maybe this timing is good! We shall see.- I’m exhausted though. I just hope this isn’t one of “those nights” again.

Sat.5.Mar: 7.20 And… this morning, just now, I go out for morning smoke and am greeted with a cheerie “Good-morning!” by the.. er… well… “fellow” of last night, in the kitchen, with Bob, who is in bath-robe, in a t-shirt… that’s all… t-shirt. Thank you. First thing in the morning. OK. Well. Not my business, not my “life”, not my house. We’ll have a day at Jacquie’s today. (I STILL can’t get over the fact that they and Eric didn’t smell the propane.) – It’s another zero-degree F. out there this morning and this room is COLD. – But last night, when I got under the covers I couldn’t believe how truly comfortable it was. – OH! I forgot to mention: When we went out to “dinner”on Thursday: As we rode to Enosburg, Bob asked “If we get a ride-on mower, would you use it?” WELL! Looks like I’ll be mowing the lawn this Summer. (I need to get along here some-how.) – Meanwhile, Bob’s trying to repair the old handle for the toilet. The new one takes too long to flush. The things that bother people. I don’t know. – OK and so and “donc-là”. Another day. I’ll be off and moving shortly. – 20.10 IN BED! Jacquie’s house is clean and tidy and looks as though I’d only been there to clean. The stove was cranking warm. The floor got damp mopped. Everything’s in order. She gets out of work tomorrow at 9.00 and wants me to bring Hallie with me. I don’t think so. I’m not taking the responsibility. She also might want to go to church in BTV so I’ll have to sit through that as well. NOT with Hallie too. – Other-wise, I was out of la cage by about 9.30 again. Didn’t “do” much at all all day and am only JUST getting in to… their little “friend”, on his phone, in the kitchen… butt-naked. THEY are asleep on the recliners. He’s now watching TV as they sleep. I just HOPE they don’t plan on some kind of party tonight. But if they do, I’m prepared to just get up and go back to Jacquie’s. Before I leave tomorrow, I want the house to be in order and a fire going. I would have spent the night (and quite honestly, I don’t now why I’m not… yet.) – Other-wise, 3 more pot pies for dinner and now 2 brownies. – I don’t know what’s wrong with my system but I keep feeling as though I have the shits and most of it’s gas but yes, the shits too. Inconvenient and uncomfortable to say the least. And this week back to no shower until Thursday earliest. Oh well. – A little bit of soc.med. and my peppermint tea and it’s off to try for a night’s early rest. I want to be up by about 5.30 tomorrow so I can take my time with coffee and getting the fire going and to get on the road to fetch Jacquie.

Sun.6.Mar: 5.38 I woke at about 4.00, on my own, and dozed until just a little while ago. How wonderful! Awake. On time. With time. Good beginning to the day. (I have to take a dump though, which is just about every waking moment these days. I wonder what that’s all about. And I don’t want to at this hour. But…) Still, this is great, to be awake, with-out and before the alarms. And it’s still dark-ish. Dixie and I have been down for a ‘moke. I’m gong to have to hit the card for another pack today. I don’t like it and I don’t want to but that’s the way it is. – And now, a little “wake-up” time and then… to the wood-stove and Jacquie’s and then for the drive to BTV to get her. It’s going to be a LONG day. – 12.06 FINISHED! Jacquie’s at the “Firemen’s Brunch” with Jes and Kerry. She wanted me to join them but I told her (again): I don’t eat with people I don’t like. Anyway, I was out of la cage by about 7.00 and got the wood-stove fired-up, Hallie got breakfast, Mme. BN got fresh water and food and I was on the road by 8.00. Easy trip, missed the street but since BTV is so small, managed to get to Jacquie by about 9.06. Never mind “Good to see you.” or “Thanks much for coming.” Instead “You didn’t bring Hallie.” Oh well. I gave her the key to the truck and sat whilst she went to church. She stopped on the way back for a coffee (I had a small) and then, when we got back to town, headed right for the brunch. I stopped at the house, re-stoked the stove and went to the store for smokes. Their “card reader” isn’t working, “Won’t get another one until Monday.” I’m NOT paying the ATM fees AND the conversion for cash fees! So… I get back to la cage… EMPTY! I wish I knew for how long. And thankfully, I’ve rolled 5 smokes with dried tobacco. 10$ short and oh well. Now, to figure what to do… Nap or something. At any rate… NO HAVING TO RUN again… except to dodge la cage. But I’m not complaining about that. (It would be nice to be able to have some milk and have some breakfast cereal, but no card reader… no FS either! Fucking dump, this town.) – 22.16 and the DISCO PARTY ROCKS THE HOUSE! FUCK THIS SHIT! – It was, for me, “a day”. It was, for them, “a day”. – Two guys pulled a pick-up in front of the house this after-noon and the old furniture from the “antique living-room”, as they call it, the room with the pellet stove, went. They must have sold it. Bob’s wanted to for a while, and they’d listed it on fesses-book a while ago. Well, it’s nice to have something to sell when one needs a bit of cash. Although it’s miserable that one should have to sell anything of the kind for need of cash, especially in view of the fact that there are those who receive everything… for doing absolutely nothing. Yes, indeed, as Bob will point out, Lyle made rather good money for some years with his “band”, lived the “high life”, didn’t declare his income and didn’t pay into the soc.sec. and such that he’s collecting. And as even the entire town knows, he got everything he wanted, from grand and mother and now, sister. (As Jacquie and I discussed, that 10k that Penny and Bruce paid for the 3 weeks they were gone… well… 3 weeks in the hotel at 100/night is about 3k… what was the additional 7k about?) I can’t be sympathetic, when I recall the nights of “living” in the VW, driving about Nbg. at night, waiting for the dairy deliveries to the A&P so that I could exist on cottage cheese, eaten in the car, in the woods on Drury Lane… after work. And being TOLD to leave the house and having to BEG for help when the other 3 simply walked out the door and into fully-furnished and settled little “homes”. How kind and wonderful for them… and their opinionated bull-shit. Having an easy foundation to build on… and me? Nothing… just tossed out a window and into the wind. Ah… and here, today, I hear the whines of “He (the freak) took over everything and moved me out of my home and my place in it.” No… you did nothing all day, laid about sleeping, not even trying to make anything of your existence and relinquished your “everything”. The freak didn’t “take” anything… you “gave” it up. And when you came back, since you’ve been back, you’ve done precious little to re-establish anything… rather, you blame, blame, blame. It’s psychotic, really. Anyway, so much for the furniture and that such. – For the rest of the day, I have to admit that I wasted a great deal of it. Soc.med. – The toilet flush is broken again and there was much cussing and the likes as Bob tried to repair it again. He doesn’t “like” the responsibility of the house. Nice to have, but not to maintain. It’s like the bit in the car the other evening: “If we get a ride-on mower, will you….?” YOU. NO personal responsibility. Yes, I have this little room that they’d not use nor heat. This room would be closed and sealed. But… I “DO” around here. Precious little, but much more than I’d like to do. – And their “David” (I believe his name is) got brought back from whence he came. When they returned from that journey, I was in. Bob asked “So what do you think of David?” “Buzz-saw.” says Lyle. Apparently he (David) drove them a bit on the mad side because he was constantly pacing and chatting with them. Me? I didn’t see such a thing. He was rather quiet with me. “If he wanted to come and pay 800$/month…” says Bob… “3000$/month!” says Lyle. 800$/month? For what? That little room in the back? AND… to be yet ANOTHER little bit of stuff for Bob? Neither of them will ever learn! Fucking retards, this group. (I have to recall: They put together their Eric with that José… as I’m to understand, José is from The Bronx… complete with the typical accented English of the Puerto Ricans… who claims he couldn’t find work in NYC so he moved to Plattsburgh… and then to St. Albans where… right… no work again. NOT, mind, that he WANTS to work, as I’m to understand. He “won’t” keep a job, so they say. AND he’s a ‘latcher’, clinger, needy for ‘love’ and drove Eric to dump him. Ah yes… and the freak was supposed to come to the house and be MY bit of stuff… or I, his. Yes indeedie boizengurlz… NOT dealing with brilliance here.) – Oh well… the afternoon moved into the evening and the snapping at each-other. Bob snapping at Lyle, Lyle retiring to the recliner and blasting the TV. Spoiled little children. – This evening I tried to escape to Jacquie’s for a bit but when I got there, she was already at Jes and Kerry’s. As I came back to la cage, I saw her with Hallie and Kerry, going into Kerry’s… I simply came back into la cage. I suppose I could have gone up there, but… in light of Kerry’s “Trudeau-sucking” politics and the fact that she’s HERE… no. Besides, I don’t “invite” myself to other peoples’ places. So I came back in to waste the rest of the evening. – And so, as day ends, I went for last smoke and Bob was getting to bed rather late. Lyle was in the kitchen. There was a slight slice of their cake on a paper place on the table. “I saved the last piece of cake for you.” How nice. He took out a fork and put it on the plate. He wanted to sit and chat. I’m EXHAUSTED! and said so, having been up since 4.00 this morning, cleaned a kitchen, taken care of the the dog and chicken, stoked the stove, driven to BTV and back whilst HE lounged and whined. Alas. But he kept TALKING AT ME! Finally, almost in tears (I was), I simply said I wasn’t feeling well. “I’ve been sick all day. They say there’s something going round….” I don’t want to hear it! I excused myself to come up to bed… and there… now… at this hour… I’m closing the day. – (Addendum: I came up, got under the covers, put out the light and with a running recall of THE SHELTER… tried and hoped for sleep.)

Mon.7.Mar: 6.05 Just up from the last smoke in the pack. And there’s all sorts of “activity” in the hall. The dogs, I hope. I’m just not in the mood this morning. Not. – The rockin’ party stopped shortly after I’d mentioned it here, last night. But I fell asleep completely enshrouded by and with thoughts of… THE SHELTER! THIS isn’t much different at night. The sleeping all day and at night, when it’s time for “normal” people to get to sleep, the “party” begins. We don’t die and go to Hell… we live through Hell and then die. – And the fucking dogs are banging on my door now. What the fuck? 6.00 in the morning? Time to look up “Soc.Sec.” income and “Elderly Housing”? Perhaps. I wonder… or… “Check-out” completely in 8 days. – Oh… just to “Go”. Just to “Go”. – 6.28 I’m catching up with yesterday and I look out the window to… SNOW! It’s not cold out there this morning. But apparently it’s just “cold enough”. How charming. More snow on the ice that’s lingering. March… still not Spring… yet. – 6.45 The snow’s stopped. A dusting. I believe rain is in the forecast for the next several days. But as I say: March… We still have to get through April. I don’t believe I want to be here, in this “existence” for that. – Hey… I wonder when the retards in the store will be getting their new “card reader” so I can get a pack of smokes… unless I ask Jacquie for 10$ at some point. We shall see. Hey… it isn’t as if I don’t HAVE the cash to give her. (I wonder if that 90$ was to pay for taking care of house and Hallie and chicken for these past 2 weeks. SHE chose 50$/week… and 90$? Funny how that extra 10$ would have covered this current situation. It’s very much the same as Moe and Ev: 30$ I think it was, for the “Holiday Bonus”… that went to pay the tax I owed because I had to declare the “private duty” income. People… in general, are a mess… “fuckers”, I believe they call it.) – 21.46 JUST getting into bed! Quite the day. Most of the morning wasted on soc.med. Went to Jacquie’s at about 12.30 to check and see if she had the old toilet ball-cock that I KNOW I’ve seen either there or at la cage. BUT… when I got there, she’d just come in from falling! On the drive. On the ice. En route to the P.O.! On her hip! Not the once that was replaced though. So we sat about chatting and I kept her company. Well then, Kerry came over for tea and SAT whilst Jacquie, obviously uncomfortable, made tea. But Jacquie had asked me to go to the store to get milk and some chicken, the milk for Kerry and she gave me an envelope… with 2 week’s pay in it!!! SAVED! I got my smokes! Ah… and her chicken, pineapple and Kerry’s milk. UNfortunately, the fucking store STILL doesn’t have their card reader (fucking idiot morons) so I couldn’t just get the food on my FS as I’d’ve liked to have done. And that retard (I swear he is) Bill was running the counter. He ignores me until there’s nobody else in the store and then can’t count change! SLOW! As I say: retard. – Well, that all done, I spent the day with Jacquie. She put in the St-Hubert meat pie for dinner tonight and entertained Jes and Kerry (and myself too). I didn’t eat much. But I DID do the dishes. Meanwhile, Jes and Kerry are all concerned about where Kerry will be “residing” now that she can’t spend more than 183 days per year in The States. AND they KNEW Jacquie was in pain and yet did nothing to help. Oh well… this is what people are. They’re worse here in VT than they were in NYC! – So, I put the last of the wood into the stove before locking the door and turning out the lights and taking Ms. Hallie out and came back to la cage where I brought Dixie out but Ellie wouldn’t go until Lyle brought her. Fucking waste. I’m tired… up since 5.00 this morning and I have to put up with THAT shit? AND, NOW… at 21.54… BOOM… BOOM… BOOM…. OF THE FUCKINGTV! Yep… SHELTER-STYLE. Hopefully, I’ll have tea and will be able to doze off. Fucking shit. – OH! The annual “You’re entitled to a larger refund” arrived today. Up to 503$! As I told Jacquie when she asked “So you’re getting 500$?” … 28 years… they’ll take it all. Fuck this country. The 15th is looking better all the time… and the weather is getting warmer. It would be nice… I can hope.

Tue.8.Mar: 7.05 Yes, I over-slept. Why “over-slept”? For what? Getting up every morning for no purpose, no reason. Just waking up every morning. No purpose. And it’s a “warm” morning. Well, warm in comparison. And I’m dreading the truly “warm” mornings to come. The heat. Run down. Hot. Feeling shitty. Hot mornings. Jacquie… looking through seed catalogues yesterday, planning the garden for the Summer. Maybe I can make a bit of a “living” selling some produce this year… come the “late Summer”. But what before? Working in the garden again? I don’t even want to think about it. But Jacquie says, frequently “One day at a time.” At 71, one day at a time. Or, “If I’m still here…”. Perhaps that’s how I should look at it and stop thinking “yesterday” and “tomorrow”. Just right now. But the fact of the matter is now as it’s always been: I work… to die. Always working and hoping that the work I do will lead to the ultimate goal of dropping dead. Just to drop dead. Bang. Done. And I think, again today, how siblings got wonderful little starts, with everything handed to them when they left the comfort of “home”… and I got handed “If you don’t leave now he’ll kill you… and the others will have to live with that… that their father killed their brother.” How wonderful. And nobody knows… well, others do know… others don’t give a shit. – Tuesday, 8 March, 2016. Almost 61 years. Fuck me… even more. – 21.38 IN BED! In from dinner at Jacquie’s with Jes and the Libtard. Nice dinner though and tonight I ate ALL of what would have been left-overs so I’m quite fed. Pineapple chicken… in a wok. And again, the other 2 let Jacquie do all the work. There’s a sink full of dishes to be done tomorrow. Jacquie wants me to go with her to BTV. Kerry will be going I believe. She’s “over-whelmed” with the details and particulars of being in 2 countries. But how nice to be working with 100.000$CAD. I wish I had such financial troubles. Oh well. But the conversation was delightful with Jes. So that was nice indeed. Other than that… I think I made it in with-out being noticed that I’d been gone. I left the room door closed when I left. They probably think I’ve been in bed early? I hope. Took Dixie out for a brief while. She must have been out earlier because she just sat with me. Wanted to come into the room again this evening. But I don’t want her locked in here… especially since I have tea bags and such that she could get into. Oh well. Poor sweet heart. Oh, and Jacquie’s all into the garden already AND today discussed opening a little stand to sell this year! “I don’t care what you do with the vegetables. They don’t all have to be given away! Just so long as I have food enough, do what-ever you want with the rest. Put it out on the table and sell it.” So there. I’ll have a “business” this Summer… Autumn. I suppose… if I can manage to make it that long… and I don’t even want to. – That said… soc.med. and to sleep I hope. The “Shelter” is in swing in the parlour of course. Got to make some money and GO! – 23.26 AND THE SHELTER RAGES ON! AND MY INSIDES ARE TREMBLING!

Wed.9.Mar: 1.42

************************* I woke… just woke from the dream… no panic or pain… just woke at 1.42 *******************

1.58 I’m just jotting notes from the dream. I have to pee. The TV in the parlour is BOOMING BOOING BOOMING! I CAN ALMOST HEAR WORDS BEING SPOKEN! THE BASS OF THE SOUND-TRACK TO WHAT-EVER IS BEING WATCHED HUMS THROUGH THE FLOORS AND WALLS. AND THE BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM OF THE BASS! I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANY MORE! I JUST CAN’T! I CAN’T! THIS IS THE SHELTER AGAIN! FUCK ME! IT’S THE SHELTER ALL OVER AGAIN! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE? IT’S THE FUCKING SHELTER ALL OVER AGAIN!RIGHT DOWN TO NOT BEING ABLE TO AFFORD TO GO ANY-WHERE ELSE! IT’S THE FUCKING SHELTER. I’LL KILL MYSELF.. TONIGHT. I’M GOING TO SEE IF I CAN’T FIND THE FUCKINGBDM! FILL IN THE DREAM RECORD, PEE, MAYBE HAVE A SMOKE AND LOOK FOR THE BDM! I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS AND HERE. I HAVE TO!!! I CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN. BOOM BOOM BOOM 2.03 AND AWAKE! MY EYES ARE BURNING. THIS COMPUTER IS A PIECE OF SHIT. I’M SO FUCKING TIRED! AND BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOM BBOOOMMB OOOMB!- 2.24 Just up from a smoke. There’s a beautiful breeze blowing out-side. And it’s warm. I’m seriously considering going over to the car. This lap-top is fucking up royally with the typing. And I put the radio on. Vivaldi’s “Winter”. (And why does this shit piece of shit not like the possessive form? I had to “add” Vivaldi’s. Fucking piece of shit!) It gave em shit this afternoon too, trying to type the “Wanderer” article. LIFE… IS JUST SHIT! – I’m going to try to fill in the notes of the dream and see what happens I can’t decide whether to stay awake or try for sleep. It’s too late to really sleep. And even though I’ve put the boxes back on the hole in the floor, the bass is STILL BOOMING through the floors and walls! And there’s no place to go to! TRAPPED… AGAIN! “Law and Order”! MARGOT! FUCKING MARGOT AGAIN! FUCK ME! “ You’re born and you die. There’s nothing in between. Nothing else. Nothing more. That’s all. You’re just born and you just die. There’s nothing else. Nothing more.”- And the fucker is sitting there awake! HOW does Bob sleep through it? It’s so much louder in the hall out-side the door. HOW the fuck does he do it? The Shelter… again. – 3.02 I’m typing the dream here and I think the TV is off… AT 3-FUCKING-O’CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING! – 3.05 Janis Ian “At Seventeen” is playing on the radio. – 3.48 It’s gone quiet in the house and something smells as if it’s burning. That wack fuck could well have put something in to heat to GRAZE on! The computer is running fucking slowly. I’ve posted from 2-current on the “WP” and now? Why bother sleeping? For an hour? WTF!? – 4.32 FUCK IT STINKS IN THIS ROOM! I wonder if the fucking spaniel didn’t leak one of her pissy glands out-side the door AGAIN! – Well, as I think:
• Kept awake until almost midnight
• Slept/dreamed until rudely awakened again at 2.00
• 4-fucking-30 and bow Bob’s awake and so am I!
• TWO fucking hours of “sleep”!!!!! fucking slobs!
8.56 the shit topped at 3.00, i heard bob leave for work, i dozed off it must have been 5.15. I wake at about 8.30 and the fucking TV is back ON! – 18.04 IN BED! 2 AlevePMs taken. No tea this evening. AND… of course… BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! I’M BACK IN THE SHELTER! – As for the day: By bout 10.00 I was at Jacquie’s and we chatted a for a bit. I told her that I couldn’t go to BTV with her today because of not sleeping all night. “There’s a bed here. And a recliner.” she offered immediately. “I don’t know how they expect somebody to live there and pay rent if they’re not going to provide a place where somebody can get any sleep.” She’d done most of last night’s dishes and told me not to bother with the rest. That I should stay there today and get some sleep. Well… I told her “I have too much pissed-off to work off.” And the day? WELL! The trellises (9) are cleaned off and ready for the planting season. The garden fence that I didn’t clean up at season’s end last is now cleaned. (I must remember to tell Jacquie about all the dog shit over at the other end behind the greenhouse. It’s a fucking MESS!) Then into the house, did the dishes. A trot to the store for half’n’half for a some breakfast cereal which is all I’ve eaten all day. Then, sweep and damp mop the mud off the kitchen floor. – Kerry went into BTV with Jacquie an Hallie had a “spa day” (at 75$). – I left the house at 17.30. (Oh… and I brought the trash cans into the back? AND just had to put them into the shed. Herfuckingladyshit and spouse are lounged on the recliners. – Well… I just took the Aleve and am hoping that it will help me to pass out. The radio is on… classical station, Montreal, to drown out a bit of the BOOM BOOM! It would have been a delight to shower but (a) I don’t have the energy and (b) NOT in THIS place! I can take one tomorrow evening. YAY! Back to “normal”! – That said and done, one quick run though the soc.med. and TRY and HOPE for SLEEP until at least 4.00 tomorrow morning… straight through. See what (if any) dreams come tonight! –

Thu.10.Mar: AND 10°! – 3.17! Ca se peut tu? But it’s not wonder. 18.00 into bed and… IT’S 60°F ON THE THERMO ON THE SHED! (“If I Were A Rich Man” is playing on the radio… IF…) – At about 2.00, Ellie let out a bark, there was a bit of talk in the hall and then all went quiet again. When I just went down for a smoke, the parlour is lit like high noon. On the way back in, I peeked: Lyle is on the recliner… a dressing on his nose and on his right shin. Hmm… Curious. And he’s got head-phones on and seems to be dozing. I wonder what happened. – But at any rate, I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! 7 HOURS! The bad part is that I’ll have to use the toilet soon (?) and, well, Bob will be getting up for work in about an hour. Oh well. “Life” is shit… in more ways than one. – Speaking of which, this morning’s first thought: the dog shit in the garden. Honestly! Those 2 in Jacquie’s have cluttered and messed the greenhouse with their plantings of last year that all died. And now they’ve all but destroyed a section of her garden. I know she needs the rent income, but… I’ll present the situation to her as I see it: That I’ll be expected to “clean” the greenhouse and they’ll expect to abuse it again this year. Not to mention they’ll let their brat spore destroy the yard and I will NOT be cleaning up after them… nor will I be using the section they’ve filled with shit. Hallie used the road-side for “business”. I’ll NOT clean THEIR dog’s shit. And we’ll see where that goes. Especially if I’m still about in July when Jacquie goes to Italy. – Nice first thoughts du jour. – Now, to see what can be accomplished with this brilliantly early beginning to the day. – “We’re born and we die. There’s nothing in between. We’re born… and then we die. There’s nothing in between.” – 19.51 IN BED! YAY! – First things first: I slept through a minor disaster last night! Seems that round about 23.00, “Princess” took the ladies out and for some un-known reason, HAD to go down the stairs and into the yard and… slipped on a wet stone, went down on the knees (one left quite the impressive indentation in the mud!) and face slammed into the pallets stacked against the shed. Bob had to make a mid-night run to the ER where they bandaged the nose and the right knee and that 2.00 dog bark and voices on the stairs this morning is when they got back! I am SO glad I got to sleep through it all! And I can’t help but think: You can’t make sure the dogs get fed and have water? “Karma”. I say no more. – Meanwhile, today, I stopped by at Jacquie’s for coffee and we chatted and she hobbled to the P.O. I HAVE to say, she’s walking rather “elderly” because of her hip. I worry now. – But she and I took a stroll in the back garden where she saw all the dog-shit and plotted this season’s crops. She also asked Kailah to NOT “walk” their dog in the garden. Well… I came back to la cage and after Jacquie left for work, I went over to start cleaning the greenhouse. 75% done! And as I was cleaning it, Kailah came out with the dog and their brat spore and walked the dog… in the same area. – I’m going to make a “Memorandum of Understanding” that Jacquie will be signing before I do ANY work in the garden this year and it will state clearly that, if there are any malicious words spoken in my direction or there is ANY sort of interference with my work in the garden, if ANY produce goes “missing” (taken with-out express permission and my knowledge) I reserve the right to call the police, press charges and will walk away from all further responsibilities of the garden for the remainder of the season. Like-wise if there is any damage/destruction, etc. caused by their fucking little brat. I’ll be working on that on the week-end so it can be signed on either Sunday or Monday… BEFORE I PUT ANY EFFORT INTO THAT GARDEN THIS YEAR. – And, on that note… I had a tin of hot soup and 2 rolls for dinner there and then took a nice shower. Tomorrow I’ll get my laundry done and another shower and finish the greenhouse and hopefully get to the garden work too. I’m looking forward to having Dixie with me during the day too. – Right now, the TV IS on but not horribly loud. Bob actually looked stoned from fatigue so hopefully there won’t be BOOM BOOM tonight. (And if so… I’ll be off to Jacquie’s for the night.) – Time to post the “Evening Report” already typed and ready to go, have my tea and get to sleep. – OH! OH! OH! WEIGH-IN THIS EVENING…..
189,5LBS!!! I’M APPROACHING 200LBS! NOT NOT NOT GOOD! I NEED TO WORK THIS OFF!

Fri.11.Mar:

6.03 Quite congested this morning and a touch “head-achy”. Allergies to something in the greenhouse maybe? – 6.18 up from smoke and oh yeah, congested. No doubt, something in the greenhouse. Well, all those dead leaves and soil and such. No telling what’s in all of that. But there’s a bit more to be cleaned out and it’s only 0° this morning, high of 6°. Not a very good day for out-doorsie work. So, the plan is to finish the greenhouse today, and laundry as Friday. And we’ll see where it all goes from there. – 20.26 IN bed! Evening Report sent to Jacquie. The other two are sacked in the parlour. I got back in at about 19.30… ALL WASH DONE today! AND THE GREENHOUSE IS DONE! Got to Jacquie’s at about 930 or so and by 10.00 was back in the greenhouse by 10.00. I’d thrown my sheets and such into the wash before going out and by 14.30 FINALLY got back in to put them into the dryer. Then went a pair of jeans and a shirt and I don’t even recall when that was done. But I dropped back to la cage by about 15.15 to drop the linens and such off and head back to Jacquie’s where I had a bowl of “Chunky” soup and 2 rolls for dinner again this evening. THEN, it was MY turn… into the shower! YAY! And after that, the work-clothes went in for a wash. I even shaved this evening! Hey! – On the BAD NEWS side: not only will the Subaru NOT start… the front tyre, passenger side is gone rather flat! FUCK FCK FUCK ME! – OH! *** AND *** I got my annual “Love Letter” from the fucking govt. Year 28… they took the 488$ refund. Oh well… I’ll be dead soon and they’ll have to write it off. I guess I’m part of the *19 TRILLION dollar* debt this fucking shit-hole country is in. So be it. They give me nothing… They take everything. Fuck them all, from the govt. right along the lines to the next several generations. – This room is desperate for a Hoover but I’m not going to think about it. I’ve swept. As I think about it today: this is more like a hotel room: I only come to rest at end of day and that’s about all. I “drop by” during the day, check on Princess and I’m back out. And come the warmer better weather, it’ll be only to sleep! I’m not looking for all of the Summer here anyway. One way or another… I’ve truly GOT to get out of this life-thing. It really is enough. No, I’m not depressed… just fed-up… really… just fed-up. I see no sense in continuing this shit. – But that said, time for a bit of soc.med. and try for some sleep. Tomorrow I want to compose a “Memorandum of Understanding” about work done on the greenhouse and to be done on the garden. Police will be called by me and there will be NO work done if there’s a repeat of last season. Period. The abuse has stopped. – On that… this day is wrapped! – 23.08 AND AS I EXPECTED… THE FUCKING BOOM BOOM BOOM BEGINS! FUCKING PIGS SLEPT ALL EVENING AND NOW… IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Sat.12.Mar: 8-fucking-15 in the morning already. And I only just woke about half an hour ago. Not feeling “well” at all. Tired. Run-down… AGAIN. Tuesday, no sleep all night. 3 days later and almost the same shit. I don’t think I got to sleep until about1.00 this morning! Fuck this shit. This “Shelter” shit! The BOOM BOOM went on into the night again. The volume on the TV wasn’t really that high, but there’s no need for all of that bass. NOT in a house this size. NOT when there are “normal” people living “normal” hours. This bullshit of lounging about. and then I had to hear, yesterday “I pick at myself because I have no control over certain things in my life.” No, you don’t. BUT, you don’t even bother to TRY! Jacquie’s out there working with a bad hip after a horrible fall… and yet, SHE can make dinners, travel AND WORK! And she’s got 6 years over that Prima Donna Princess bull-shit. Fuck. – Anyway, it’s another chilly morning. It was supposed to get up to 12° or so today. I don’t know. No matter. It’s Shabbat and I’m in no mood to “do” much of anything. – Sitting here thinking of what I’ll do, should I go to Jacquie’s for the day. IF I could get this lap-top on-line over there it would be so much better. Put the canoe and splitter up on Craigslist again. But trying to pull it from her lap-top is a pain in the arse. Oh well. Just… oh well. We’ll see where the day goes. At least she was positive about the work on the greenhouse. Her message of last night was that she’s not well at all and the pictures of the greenhouse lifted her spirits a bit. Meanwhile, I’m NOT looking toward much work in the garden this season. I’ve NO doubt those cretins in her house will be un-doing too much of the work that gets done. And I’ll NOT put up with that again… another Summer. – Well… weather check and soc.med. and away the day goes. – OH! Last night, JK Woodhauler got “Checked” by the Twit. Phone verification. I’ll have to see if they haven’t taken me down. – 19.25 At the house of “BOOM BOOM”, fuck. Bob’s in bed. Lyle’s on the recliner. The TV is BOOMING. And my body is on “Daylight Savings” after a day of precious little at all. Lunch was 2 rolls, grilled cheese. Dinner is now choco.chip cookies, a brownie and 2 PopTarts. I didn’t bring anything to eat with so… I’m hoping the sugar knocks me out for the night. – I did manage to get to the greenhouse and clean about 5 terracotta pots with plastic pots to insert. So that was pretty OK. And I did, this evening, check the P.O. for nothing. There’s a fire in the stove, just in case. And I watched some TV and played with Hallie. Also, laid-out the garden plan. Not that I’m thinking in terms of having to work it. But… it looks like I’m taking an interest. – This evening, I had to put water into the dish here. Karma will attend, as has been done before. And the room stinks… sour… I don’t know what they cooked and if the temperature out-side wasn’t going to drop much more tonight, I’d open the window but… for now… tea and sweets and a hope for sleep!!! The radio is on. – And now to type up the “Evening Report” for Jacquie. (Oh yes… Boom BOOM boom Boom BOOM boom. FUCK this shit-hole and the narcissistic-psychopaths in it.) – 22.12 AND LARD-SHIT WAKES UP AND CRANKS UP THE TV VOLUME! I’M PACKING TO HEAD TO JACQUIE’S!

Sun.13.Mar: 7.54 (6.54 real time) Interesting, but the TV went off shortly after I packed to go last night. But this morning, I’m feeling so run-down and heavy in the chest. It’s the stress (again) as I fall asleep at night. I recognise it too well. “SHELTER” SYMPTOMS. Aggravation. Stress. Anxieties. And then… CRASHING into sleep. I know it all… too, too well. – Another day. Another Sunday. There are things that need to be done this morning and soon now. So. A few moments to allow my friggin body to get itself together on this chilled morning and out the door. I’ve a list of things that I want to accomplish today. ow charming. – Keep moving. Keep doing. And all around me, (save, Jacquie) the world sits… and does nothing. – 23.01 IN bed AT LAST! – As for the day today (from the quick notes I jotted): By 9.00 I was at Jacquie’s and got breakfast for Hallie and got a nice fire rolling in the wood-stove for Jacquie’s return home and… immediately out to the garden! I pulled-up the plastic runners and got them rolled up and put to the side, using the tomato cages for “storage”. I was just finishing that at abut 13.00 when Jacquie finally came into the drive. I’m happy though, that I was still working when she got in. Instead of having finished, at least my work could be seen. Not that it was anything “noticeable”, I should think. But at least there was witness to the fact. – She’d gone shopping and had much in the back of the truck but she was obviously in some pain by the way she was walking. Dressed very nicely because she’d gone to church, I finished my own work and told her to leave the heavier things in the truck and that I’d get them out. Ah… well… when I got into the house, she’d already made tea and some pancakes so we sat and ate and chatted about her week-end and that she truly IS in quite a bit of pain with her hip. We talked about the garden. And I told her that, with all the noise in la cage and the general disrespect there, that I’m SERIOUSLY THINKING OF RETURNING TO NYC… TO THE SHELTER, AN ADVERT ON THE CRGSLIST FOR A LIFT BACK. I’M FED-UP AND EXHAUSTED. The news didn’t really cause TOO much concern. But I really didn’t and don’t expect it to. They’ll just pick up and roll along. That’s the way of the world… the general “Fuckoff”, as it is.- In our chatting, she told, and said that it isn’t for general chat round town: Reuben, Lyle’s father, was always miserably resentful of Daisy and particularly of Lyle. Seems he’d married Daisy on a “promise” before he’d gone into the service and whilst stationed in Germany, had met a woman he’d fallen in love with. BUT, because he came back to Franklin, and had made the promise to marry Daisy, he was pretty much obligated. Then, when Lyle was born, it put the kabash on the whole situation. (Ah… very much like my own “father” who didn’t want the children but wanted the “whoopie” time and “marriage” status.) THEN, when Lyle was so “lolly-coddled” and wasn’t really worth much of anything because of his general pansy-assed sloth (as it is even to this date), it made Reuben’s dislike for him all the more intense. And as the years went along, Daisy pampered and spoilt him terribly, never allowing him to work at all… using “one kidney” as an excuse. (Me, personally, find the whole situation repulsive because, well, Lyle never DID anything to make the situation any better. And now I ponder how it was Bob who forced the “truce” between Lyle and Reuben. I understand Reuben’s dislike… I truly do. It’s sickening… especially these days.) – And so, that was “breakfast” chat. – Breakfast and chatting done, I did the dishes and went back out to the garden to work on the south-side… where the plastic runners are actually IN the grass that’s grown through them over the past 2 years or so. HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY!!! BETWEEN THE MUD AND THE GRASS, IT WAS LIKE ROLLING SOD! TRULY HARD AND HEAVY WORK! I got only 2,5 of them rolled before I HAD to quit! I had Hallie with me so I brought her back to the house and figured that Jacquie was sleeping (and she was) so I let Hallie in and… I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS NO CAR IN FRONT OF LA CAGE! I’d seen Bob and Lyle at the P.O. earlier and… well… NO CAR! EMPTY HOUSE! I bolted over to SHOWER! – At la cage, a note on the table. Apparently Bob had posted an uncomplimentary photo of Lyle on the fesses-book and Lyle took a hissy fit. “I was going to get up and fix you breakfast but because you posted that picture I won’t.” and “I won’t be going to BTV today.” Ah… they’re in BTV! SHOWER TIME FOR ME! So I showered very nicely and well and when I got back into the room I looked for and FOUND MY EAR-PLUGS FROM THE SHELTER DAYS! THEY, THE “SHELETER DAYS” RETURN! THIS IS FUCKING BULL-SHIT! TO HAVE TO PUT EAR-PLUGS IN TO GET ANY REST AT NIGHT! FUCKING BULL-SHIT! MUST MUST MUST GET THE FUCK FUCK FUCK OUT OUT OUT AND AWAY AWAY AWAY FROM THIS! – Got dressed, had a tin of “Chef BoyR’D” shells and meatballs. Yes… SHELTER DAYS AGAIN! And before heading back to Jacquie’s to make certain that she’s OK, I actually got “dinner” for Dixie and Ellie just in case the slobs didn’t bother to give them breakfast and might forget to give them dinner! Ellie ate readily, Dixie needed to be coaxed, but they ate! – It was about 18.30 when I got back to Jacquie’s and we sat, had cheese and beer and chatted some more. I left there about 22.00. – Back at la cage, I HAD to get into a chat with Lyle, fuck me. Seems they went to meet “new good friends” met on the soc.med. “An older couple” with whom they “immediately bonded” (or some such bull-shit). *Prime Rib Dinner* how nice for them. “New friends” are from Waterbury. Charming. Lyle tells that the rib was cut so that he couldn’t finish so they brought the left-overs back and gave it to the dogs. GOOD! They OWE the dogs that much and so much more! – Well now, that done and the mandatory “chat” finished… I’m exhausted, having my tea. I’ve a BURNING rash on my right leg, just above the ankles. I wonder what the fuck that’s from. I mean, burns like acid. Hmmm… and now, at this hour of the night, as “normal”, productive, working, toiling people of the world SHOULD be getting the well-deserved and needed rest to continue toiling, the fucking shit-bags and douche-waters… here in particular.. commence with the BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! FUCKING WASTE… POOR REUBEN’S LEGACY! Hopefully the ear-plugs do their intended job!!!!! If not… I’m off to sleep in the car tonight! Fuck! Makes me SO fucking bloody sick! Repeat of the “Shelter Trash”.

Mon14.Mar: 9.08! Oh… the little foam ear-plug worked! But I turned off the alarms and went right back to sleep this morning. And now I’m feeling… dragged. And there’s SO much I want to get done with this day. So… time to “START”! – SO TIRED though. – 14.41 BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!! CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT. CAN’T SLEEP DURING THE DAY!!! CAN’T REST. CAN’T GET ANY REST… EVER!!!! SHELTER-LIFE… SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT ADDRESS. – 17.03 I laid down at about 14.45 an set the alarm for about 15.20… the alarm sounded, I turned it off and… just woke. – It’s 18° in this room and they’ve got a little “guest” for dinner. I’m having cold tinned “Beef Barley” Chunky. Ick. – 23.43 (and another “catch-up’ from notes here…) It’s difficult to type the notes tonight: I RATHER “DEEP-FRIED” MY PINKY AND RING-FINGER WHEN I’D SAUTÉED THE ONIONS FOR DINNER AT JACQUIE’S THIS EVENING. DOESN’T IT JUST FIGURE? FUCK ME! – And so THIS day went: I was out the door and in the back yard here at la cage by about 10.00 this morning. I brought Dixie out with me but it was truly rather COLD! Last night, the ground had frozen again so I couldn’t rake even in the back of la cage, by the wood-shed! AND… POOR LITTLE DIXIE WAS ACTUALLY SHIVERRING!!! Poor little bit. So I brought her back into the house and headed over to Jacquie’s to check-up on her. Well.. what a waste of the morning, just pretty much sitting about watching her go through ANOTHER box of old mail and tossing it into the wood-stove. NOTHING “accomplished”…. not even a tea. – Well, at about 14.30 I left her. She was heading out to her doctor to get some pain meds for her hip and I returned to la cage where Lyle was JUST WAKING! FUCK ALL! and noticed me coming in. “How are you?” says he. “Exhausted.” says I. No matter at all. Well… so it turns, they, those two, had a “guest” to dinner this evening. I’ve no idea who, and don’t care at all. But the boom boom boom from the TV pretty much went right through. I stayed in the room, and managed to get in a 2-HOUR NAP!!! TODAY I DECIDED THAT I’D TAKE MY SLEEP WHEN-EVER I CAN GET IT AND SO MUCH FOR ANYTHING ELSE! I NEED SOME SLEEP AND FUCK THE WORLD, I’LL GET IT! – When I woke, I was HUNGRY so I shovelled a tin of “Chunky” Beef-Barely soup (cold of course) down. It truly was rather nasty… cold. But it’s something to stave-of f the hunger. – At 19.00 I strolled over to Jacquie’s to check on her. (Of course, I left la cage un-noticed.) When I got there, I looked in through the door… she was at the wood-stove… WITH A WALKER AND SHE WAS IN TEARS! She’d gone to hospital for x-rays and they gave her the walker, telling her that she HAD to stay off the leg for at least a week! They’ll read the x-rays and call her tomorrow. Meanwhile, she had a script for the pain meds and she’d forgotten to stop and get them and was all upset because she had to go to Enosburgh to get them. I offered to drive and away we went to the RiteAid there. When she’d gotten the meds, she wanted to eat, either there or back at the house for hamburgers, but she needed rolls for the burgers. So I decided to do the burgers… we needed to stop at Hannaford’s for the rolls. No prob. I needed “snax” anyway! So… to Hannaford’s and I got my snax and fruits for me and rolls, a box of tea (for me at Jacquie’s) and her coffee filters and back to the house where I proceeded to make the burgers with the onions and, because I truly wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, as I put the diced onions onto the cast-iron skillet, into the oil and butter…. SIZZLE! MY FINGERS WENT INTO THE OIL! Oh well… just blistered… no “crispiness”. PAIN? Oh YEAH! But not a “severe” burn. It COULD have been MUCH worse. – The burgers weren’t too bad. One each. And it was nice to sit and eat… though I wasn’t hungry. When done, I washed the dishes and watched a bit of the news until Jacquie started to doze. – 22.30 and I was out and back to la cage where, of course, Lyle was awake and the TV was on. I HAD to see him to take the dogs out for last smoke and to bring them out and HE HAD to come join me! Oh joy fuck all and shit. – But we had a bit of a chat and it’s rather shocking: he and Bob have NO clue what’s going on in the country or the world today… NONE! Lyle claims his doctor TOLD them NOT to watch the news… that it makes them sick over-all and in general and that there’s no good sense in knowing things that they’ve no control over. NONE! So they don’t watch the news nor read the papers. What a WODNERFUL WAY TO CONTROL THE POPULATION: KEEP THEM AS DUMB, STUPID AND IGNORANT AS POSSIBLE AND THESE TWO ARE PRIME FOR THAT! – Oh well… there must always be the trash… and here it is. (More reason for me to get the fuck out and away… soon.) – And… now, at 23.50… BOOOM BOOOOM BOOOOOOOM!goes the TV… fucktard is in full-swing again! Piece of useless shit. – Well… here’s to hoping that I was on time tomorrow morning to complete these “notes” I’m trying to type here AND that I’ll be able to take care of Jacquie well enough. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve already put SO MUCH INTO COMING BACK NORTH WHERE I’VE LONGED AND YEARNED TOO MANY YEARS TO BE, I’D JUST GET UP, PACK A FEW THINGS TONIGHT AND HEAD RIGHT OUT THE DOOR AND BACK TO NYC TO THE SHELTER AND ROCKAWAY AND OUT TO SEA TONIGHT!But I’m here, in the North where I wanted to be… and for these past years, I’ve earned my place here… so I just need to get it together and “Take off” from here…. SOON SOON SOON! – Jacquie won’t be working this week-end so that’s cut out my week-end laundry. Oh well, I’ll just have to get back to living like the rest of the shit in this town… like shit, with shit, in shit. – There’s more “bad weather” in the forecast for tomorrow. How odd… just like the weather on 15 March 2007… Margot… the trip to the Shongum… same weather for tomorrow. Figures… I am SO FUCKING BLOODY fed-up with all this bull-shit! Truly. – For now… “Zebra Cakes” and licorice tea… TWO ear-plugs in and… done?

Tue.15.Mar:
15 March 2007 – SHONGUM
Notes: 15 March 2007
It was, as it should have been, a rainy morning. Why should this day, the day of my departure from this horrid, tormenting, torturous existence be anything but rainy? Why should it be a bright, clear, comfortably warm day? What days have ever been good for me? I was conceived in torture. The news of my conception was received in anger. The stage was set and the script was written. So today, the end was the same as every other day.
I had to rush about this morning. MB decided that she wanted to talk. I decided that I had to get the hell out! As I write this, I don’t recall what excuse I gave to her to leave, but, I do know that I did leave.The ticket? Round trip. How silly of me… to buy a round-trip ticket for a journey I had no intention of returning from. But, true to the kind and nature of me, I planned for possibilities and eventualities. Just in case something (else) might go wrong today, I could, at the very least, make my way back to the shelter and out of the cold. The fare? Of course I didn’t actually pay for it. It was paid with money that I’d managed to “acquire” along the way. All that can be said about this is that I was and remain convinced that I worked very long hours, very diligently and with all my heart and soul around that miserable flat. I fetched and watched and stayed half awake all night for the period of time I was there, making certain that all things went well and that I was available at any given moment in time. But, others who did similar things and similar work wer remunerated. I was not. So, I “aqcuired” what I needed. Yes, even the ticket was a torment.
I walked down through Raoul Wallenberg Forest to Pallisade Avenue and stopped to look for the abandoned cats there. I had a lot in common with them: they were tossed out the door when people deemed them useless and unwanted. I too was that way, having been tossed about because I too was deemed useless and unwanted. But oddly enough, as I walked down the steps, past the old felled tree, I was calm. I was completely aware of where I was heading and why. I was at peace.
I got to the SD station in plenty of time. The wait was cold, damp, but completely free of anxiety. Once again, it was no different from any other time I’d been at a train station, waiting to go somewhere. The wind picked-up and came in off the Hudson. It was bitter cold and very damp. At moments, it brought slight rain with it. But I sat, calmly and quietly, waiting for the train to take me… “up”.
Finally, the train arrived. I boarded, as I’d done so many times before over the course of years. I found a place by the river-side window, put my head-phones on and listened to the melody of “Calling My Children Home” by Chanticleer. The song always brought a tear to my eye and a pain in my heart, thinking of how I’d worked to maintain my siblings when father abandoned us all and mother had to take several jobs to keep a roof over our heads. It hurt me to think how much I’d given FOR them and how much torture they enjoyed returning to me.
Strange… today there was no pain, no tears. The music filled my head but never made it to my heart. I’d died already and was aware of it.
As the train made its way up the Hudson, the skies grew more grey and the rains came regular. I pondered: I wonder what these people would do or say if they only knew that I sit here, silently, heading for a mountain-side retreat from whence I won’t return. I wonder what they’d think or do if they knew that I was on my way to my own death. Aren’t they all so silly, stupid and shallow? Worried about all sorts of things that, in the final course of life, mean just nothing at all. How ridiculous.
I watched the Hudson Valley roll by. I sat in silence. The rain hit the windows. The day became more inclement. No sunshine for me. No warm temperatures. And there would be no one at the station to meet or greet me. I was SO ALONE! But I preferred it that way.
We arrived at the station just about to the moment on-time and I had just enough time to have a cigarette before boarding the bus that would take me across the Hudson, out to the next leg of my adventure.
The bus to Newburgh was as good as could be expected for the area. As clean and comfortable as one might expect from the other-wise rural aspects of this state. Not to mention, I knew where I was and I knew what resided there. I couldn’t expect luxury or complete comfort from this area. So the bus was just fine. The driver gave me information on my connection which I was to make at the Shortline Terminal in the Town. That was something I was looking most forward to… the bus to take me back to Ulster. Even in this nasty weather, I looked forward to getting back to Ulster and if I had to battle the elements to do so, it was fine with me. I was determined.
Edit
Thu: 15 Mar: 7h30 through
Sun: 18 Mar: 15h = 79,5 hours (3,5 days)

***1.00 On the dot… the fucktard is HAMMERING!WHAT THE FUCK DOES SOMEBODY HAVE TO HAMMER AT 1.00 IN THE FUCKING MORNING? HONESTLY! THIS DOUCHE-WATER SHIT-BAG *IS* RETARDED!***
8.43 Another morning of hearing the alarms and turning them off, going right back to sleep. No surprise there, since I was still awake at 1.00. Fuck. – This morning is painful. The blisters on the fingers are quite full. My left knee is quite sore too. I imagine that’s from all the work in the garden, trying to roll those heavy plastics up with all that mud and such. Oh well. Me. Pain. Fatigue. Anxiety. AND… “30 years old” today. And can it be only 9 years ago that this morning, I got on the train, then those buses and walked up to the Shongum? Only 9 years ago? WHY did I bother coming back down from that mountain? I’m such a moron! Oh well. – And this morning, in my fatigue and such, I can’t help but think: Attending TWO houses… and it truly doesn’t phase anybody else. Here? Not here? It makes no difference… except to the dogs… the little Creatures. But their love is all that truly matters… to me. – I’ve got two days now to catch-up on from the notes. Let’s see how much I can get before off and running… and running, on this rather warmish (40°F), over-cast and damp day. – 9.55 and caught-up and I do believe the douche-water is stirring so it’s time for me to get up, jump out of this bed and get the actual fuck out of here and check on Jacquie. NO PEACE EVER! Oh well… so be it. FUCK IT ALL ANYWAY! – 21.34 In bed at last again! The blister o the ring finger burst as I washed dinner dishes at Jacquie’s where I spent the entire day. The best news: No fractures! More a bit of a bruise of her sacrum. She won’t be going to work this week-end but at least she’s not “damaged”. She fixed “tuna wiggle” for dinner this evening. It’s so easy that I don’t know why Lyle doesn’t prepare it more often. Although, yes, I do… lazy. And she pulled out so many seeds for the garden and I got the trays in from the greenhouse. There’s MUCH to be planted this year. I don’t know that I’ll make it though. As I told her this evening: My body is in the same state as it was when I was in the shelter. I can’t keep up like this. She told me that I’m more than welcome to stay there on the week-ends. That’s nice. I’ll have to get the log-on for the WiFi and maybe then I will… for a while. But this is no way to be. – Got in a little bit ago and had a ‘moke with m’Dixie. She and Ellie got their little “treat” and I sent the off to seepie-nigh-night. – The lard is asleep on the recliner already which means… 1.00 BANG BOOM BANG BOOM BANG! FUCK! – But for now, I’m having my licorice tea and will put in my ear-plugs and TRY for some decent rest tongiht. Fat fucking chance. – Oh… Rubio dropped from the campaign tonight. I actually shed tears. I’ll miss seeing him. Young. Life. The “Kid” in the race. Oh well. I’ll make a comment on Twitter before sleep and… – The end. Ides of March. The 15th. “MY” day. Over and done. – Addendum to the day: The car won’t even make a noise when I tried to start it today AND Selz wants ID! WHAT the FUCK is going on NOW?

Wed.16.Mar: 8-bloody-28 in the fucking morning! AGAIN! I woke at about 4.00-something. Went back to sleep. Stopped the alarms for 5.00 and 5.45 and fell back to sleep! And JUST woke again! Lard is in the parlour, TV ad light on. It’s making me sick! This shit has GOT to END… some-how… any-how. – And 2 ear-plugs are on the floor behind the bed! I’m fucking ripped this morning already. Fuck this shit! – 10.03 Just finishing the “start” of the day and now off to DO more. Over-cast and a little on the chilly-damp. Band-aid on burnt finger holding. Just in a shitty mind-set all round today. Fuck this all. Really… just fuck it. – 21.56 In bed, tea steeping, TV on low and I’m filthy from having cleaned out the “chicken yard” at Jacquie’s barn. I have a write-up for Crgslst again that I have to tweak and post and want to get it on tonight before lights out. Hopefully, the BOOM BOOM won’t hit between now and then. As I say, I’m filthy, my clothes are filthy, it was muddy work today. – Joke: I napped for about an hour today. I came in, told Lyle that I wasn’t feeling well. “You should go up-stairs and lay down.” Ah… chitty-chat and I come up and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. Fine. I finish my “nap” and was out by 15.50 or so. Brought the dogs out. Bob comes into the back yard to work on the car. Ah… but… when I’d come in, Lyle says he was going to prepare a pork roast. When I left, there was a pan FULL of hot-dogs. GO figure. Oh well. Anyway… so much for what-ever. I talked briefly with Bob, let the dogs in and went to work behind Jacquie’s barn until about 18.00. – There, she prepared pasta and sauce and garlic bread for dinner with a beer. Very nice indeed. We watched a bit of Fox News, always great and I left a little while ago. – I get into la cage, bring the dogs out (they didn’t go… maybe because it’s raining) and when we came in….
NO FUCKING WATER IN THEIR BOWL AGAIN!!!! NO FUCKING WATER FOR THE DOGS… AGAIN!!!!!
Maybe I’m here so that THEY don’t suffer. Well… it’s a nice thought that I’m saving them from hunger and thirst, but I pray, as if it will do any good, that what-ever Forces there be in this Creation, that those Forces gather, now, strong and swiftly so that I can bear witness to the justice that needs so terribly to be served… NOW! Lyle has lost me as a friend, companion, confidant. As I said to Jacquie today: He called up to the room just as I came up for a “nap” and I rather ignored the call. Briefly I thought: If you’re on the floor an can’t get up, don’t worry… the EMTs will be here… round about Thursday. She laughed. I said I was quite serious. And it’s true. – Meanwhile, I want to get the post to Crgslst tonight. I just heard Lardyship cough in the hall. Perhaps it’s gone to bed. I can only hope. I wont sleep too well because of needing a shower but… oh well. Fukkitall. Indeed.

Thu.17.Mar:5.53 YARD FULL OF ROBINS!
ALL NIGHT… HALF-SLEEP-HALF-WAKE! ALL NIGHT… A DREAM THOUGH:
It was a sterile environment. Fully tiled and granite-like floors. Almost like a cafeteria of sorts. We’d been brought there, I don’t know how or by whom but I was there. Gay men, most were considerably younger than I. Most were naked, some wore shorts. Most were rather effeminate, very few weren’t. There was a “hall”, that spiralled down to an end, and along it, 3 showers, each had a different pressure and yet all 3 were mere sprays. and the water temperatures varied a bit, not too hot and not too cold but none were exactly “comfortably” warm. I walked down, noticing the difference and checked all 3 for the “difference”, not understanding why they varied but noticing that they did and not feeling “right” about them or the entire situation. A woman, naked, followed me and I, or she, commented “They weren’t like this before.” She walked away, up the hall and disappeared, she didn’t “leave”, she simply was gone, not there any more. When I got to the top again, where the guys were sitting, one made a comment about the water not being warm enough and suddenly, almost as if he’d slipped on his wet feet on the polished floor, he fell and was some-how pulled down a hall, yelling. The others just looked as if it was a shame but to be expected. I knew that he was taken off and away to be “eliminated”. I went to the chairs, which were raised higher than the general walk-way and stood to the side. Another young guy said, to an older man, who was fully clothed, that it was a bit chilly and asked if it could be a bit warmer. As he went to a switch on the wall, the older man said, rather strangely “Why yes, of course. Heat was just installed in this room this very day.” and from the ceiling vents, VERY warm air suddenly came through. It was almost searingly hot and I got the idea that it would get MUCH hotter and that we were all about to be burnt to death. We were to be “eliminated”, based on some sort of protocol. All I thought was “Just put it up and get it over with now!” But the heat went away, it stopped as soon as I had the thought. A time passed and the others simply wandered about, giggling and chatting and talking as if this were all normal, either they “knew” of the eliminations or didn’t but I couldn’t decide which it was. But they weren’t concerned about any of it. I finally went to one young fellow who’d been sitting in one chair all the while and I asked “Can we go now?” He answered “Yes, my other should be coming trough that hall about now.” and pointed to the exit from the “cafeteria-like” room to another hall-way. “One question.” I said, “Can we go to the bathroom?” (I felt I had to take a shit.) “Not just yet.” he said, and as I started to walk away he called to me “It’s considered a sickness, y’know!” I held my bowels and continued walking, rather masculine but not “too” because something told me that it was the “weaker” ones who were being eliminated and those who were thought to be “too strong” or “too masculine” would be tortured to death. I walked up the next hall. It spiralled up-ward. There were glass brick “windows” that let in some out-side light but it was night out there and the light coming in was more “street lights”. Inside, it was brightly lit. I passed a small loo where some young guys were congregating. They were rather giddy and primping and such and I some-how knew that they’d be amongst the next to “go” but I said nothing and continued walking along, and up the hall. A slight, young little fellow walked up behind me. He had his arm extended, hand out, palm-side down, and was moving his arm in a circular motion. He repeated “The wheels on the bus go round and round” and as he approached me from behind, he put his hand between my legs and let his hand brush against my testicles. I very gently and rather apathetically moved his hand out and away. I didn’t want him touching me. He didn’t react or respond, but simply moved along as if it had never happened. I walked round a corner and ahead of me to my right, another young, good-looking young man was admiring himself in a mirror on the wall. A some-what older fellow, handsome, came to him and started stroking his back, seductively. The fellow looking into the mirror, gyrated teasingly. The older fellow said, as he stroked the younger one’s back “How do you want to spend your Summer? Glimmering, naked in the sun?” and the younger one replied “YES! OH YES!” and as he did, he exposed his perfect round arse hole and puckered it out as if inviting the older one to fuck him. The older fellow toyed with the hole and a turned away, not wanting to see the “prolapse” being exposed and as I turned I heard the younger repeat, rather painfully “OH GOD! OH GOD!” and as I looked back, his bowels simply poured through, out of his arse, piled on the floor and his upper body collapsed down on the cavity where his bowels had been. I knew he wasn’t dying, but that he’d have to have his bowels “put back”… but at the same time I knew that every-one there would simply let him remain that way and let him die slowly. I didn’t let on that I’d even noticed any of this and continued to walk toward what looked like an entry hall or foyer. I knew that I had to be both stoic and “masculine” but temper it all so as not to be “too confident” because “too confident” would be seen as a “threat”. In the “entrance” area, I could see out. It was night. I wanted to leave but I knew I couldn’t because I was naked. And once out, there was really no place to go to. We were away, out in “no-where” and I didn’t have the slightest idea where, or where I’d go if I DID get out. I some-how knew that eventually, we would ALL be “destroyed”… that was the word… “destroyed”.
ALL NIGHT…. HALF-ASLEEP… HALF-AWAKE. CHILLY. UNDER THE TOP, THIN BLANKETS. It was a quiet night and I was awake before the 5.30 alarm. I couldn’t “break into” sleep all night because of the anticipated BOOM BOOM BOOM…. THE SHIT’S GETTING DEEP! – Hopefully somebody will answer my advert and I’ll be able to get the car rolling for the move. – 6.54 Coffee. Morning smoke. It’s day-light. The house is quiet. The left side of my neck hurts when I blow my nose. Yesterday, as I cleaned the “chicken area” at Jacquie’s, I heard that deep, droning “buzz” again, as if a large bee had buzzed by, but there was no bee. I can’t help but wonder if it’s not a blood clot or some sort of circulatory trouble. And this morning, that ear itches, internally. Oh well. Stroke coming? Heart attack? I doubt a heart attack. THAT would be too kind. – I’m not tired this morning, after a night of half-sleep, but I’m not “rested”. And I’m certainly not “comfortable” in here. I wonder… Jacquie wants to go into St.Albans today to fetch her tax papers from the woman who’s been doing them since February. I don’t want to go with her, but I don’t really want her driving, with her injury. I need to bathe but that’s not about to happen any time soon. My clothes from yesterday, my jeans and such, are dirty from the mud. They won’t be washed any time too soon either. I’m just full of dread, trepidation and anxieties this morning. Psychotic break? Time to certainly and seriously ponder… Where to go to get out and away from all of this. – And Jacquie, knowing that I need to get away… and wanting to plant the garden. Oh well… Life is a shit-heap… for us all. There really isn’t anything SHE can do to make matters any better. I just need to get the car rolling again and get on with this bull-shit… else-where… and check out and away from it all. – 8.31 It’s awake. Has showered too. Trash. If I’d showered there’d be comments about water use. Faggot. – Quick nap for me and OUT! It’s sunny! – 18.49 SHOWERED!!! Today, I headed out the door rather early this morning and got right into “Spring work”. Headed to the back fence and picked-up the cleared and stacked “Jerusalem Artichoke” branches. Tossed them over the fence into this yard and dumped them in the muck behind the wood-pile. It wasn’t as easy as it could have been because this morning, they were wet. But I got them! Cleaned along the fence on Jacquie’s side and then cleaned along on this side as well. Their little “tomato/potato bed” is gone. I used the chicken wire to fence-off behind the bench instead. They do nothing back there anyway, so? The fence is needed more to protect behind the bench this season. Fukkem. – When done, stopped in, at about 12.30, to Jacquie’s where Kerry and she were seeding for starters. We chatted. I wasn’t offered so much as a tea. No prob. Then drove Jacquie into St. Albans so she could get her tax papers. Seems she got back enough to cover the cost of her coming trip to Italy and “a couple hundred dollars more”. How nice for her. (And me? I get nothing. As usual.) On the drive, it rained, and then “slushed” and rained and “slushed”. – When we got back, at about 15.00, she started her “Corned beef and cabbage” dinner for tonight and I went back to finish my yard-work. “Be sure to come back later for dinner.” said she. I’d no intention. – SO! Not only did I clear the stalks and stems, I laid black plastic to hopefully keep them from coming back up this year. MY flowers will get sun AND that shit won’t lean over the fence… I hope. The old stalks got dragged on an old tarp to the “compost” and the plastic is laid. Let’s see how long it all lasts. The wood-pile is re-stacked in the back too. – For a brief while, when the work was done (round about 16.30, timed by the P.O. truck), I sat in the barn on the little lawn chair and “dozed”. I was THAT exhausted. It rained on and off and suddenly there was a roll of thunder and the temperature dropped. Ah… “Spring-time” in “the North Country”. I came into the house round about 17.00 to find Bob and Lyle on… imagine… the recliners. Seems Bob had terrible “gas” pains and had to leave work. (Of course, Lyle had them as well… little retard.) AND, AS BOB LAID THERE, ADMITTING THAT HE WAS JUST TOO “ILL” TO EVEN BRING IN A BAG OF PELLETS FOR THE STOVE, (THE STOVE WAS OFF), LYLE ASKED *ME* TO PUT AN ICE PACK ON HIS FOOT BECAUSE IT WAS SWOLLEN! THESE FUCKERS! SERIOUSLY! I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND AWAY!!!!! SO, I PUT THE PACK ON THE FOOT, BROUGHT IN A BAG OF PELLETS AND GOT THE STOVE GOING AGAIN AND BROUGHT IN AN EXTRA BAG! AND THEN? … I CAME UP TO THE ROOM AND GOT TO THE SHOWER! FUCK! AND I TOOK A “CLEANSING” SHOWER TOO! – Now… A tin of cold ravioli (The “ChefBoyRD”), a tin of peaches and.. I’m ready to try to get into bed, under the covers and grab this time of relative quiet for at least the beginning of SLEEP! – OH! BOB ALSO SAID THAT THEY’RE GOING TO “BLOOMFIELD” ON THE WEEK-END AND… “WOULD YOU MIND TAKING CARE OF THE GIRLS AND THE HOUSE?” WOULD I MIND? FUCK YOU! I don’t mind taking care of the dogs…. at least I’ll know that they’ve eaten well and gotten out during the days. You’re “house”. If I could, I’d sell it out from under at this point. BUT… I’M ALREADY PLANNING ON SLEEPING-IN! CATCHING-UP ON LOST REST! FUCK THE FUCK YOU! – Time for a smoke and a turn-in whilst I may. Hopefully Jacquie and guests are stuffing their faces well. – 21.34… Just finishing-up a bit of soc.med. here and ready to hit the pillows and………… BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. THAT FUCKING RETARDED FAGGOT! DISRESPECTFUL AND WORTHLESS. (*OH!* ADDENDUM: THE WHINE-DU-JOUR TODAY WAS: SHIT-BAG’S “SOC.SEC.” WAS REDUCED TO ONLY 500$/MONTH, DOWN FROM THE 713$ HOW-EVER, IT WAS ADMITTED THAT THE ONLY PAYING-IN THAT WAS EVER DONE WAS THE LITTLE, SHORT-TERM RETAIL JOBS… 17 YEARS OF “ON THE ROAD WITH THE BAND” WAS NEVER TAXED! 500$/MONTH “RETIREMENT” FOR PAYING-IN ALMOST NOTHING? AND ME? MY TAXES ARE TAKEN EVERY YEAR FOR 28 YEARS? AND THAT SHIT-BAG COLLECTS? FUUUUUUUUUUUK!)

Fri.18.Mar: 6.54 Snow. Not much. But snow. Chilly too. Bob took the day off, apparently. How charming. And me? I heard only one alarm and, turned it off and the light on and went back to sleep and woke on my own. The night? I think I slept. Broken, with the BOOM BOOM. But I slept. I was under the covers and ended the day by about 21.45 I imagine. So? So. – Well… No garden or yard work today. That’s rather nice. Now to hope for “fair” weather and a week-end of being in the house… alone. Intention? To SLEEP! Laundry, freshen me and sleep. – Meanwhile, to fill-in last evening’s notes. – 24.04 LAUNDRY DONE. HAD THE LAST “MAUDIT”! SHOWERED! ALL IN! SILENCE!- Bob and Lyle were up and awake by about 8.00 this morning. I stayed in the room until about 10.00ish when Bob called up. “We’re heading out.” The sun was shining and it wasn’t too chilly. God weather for a nice trip for them. Lyle had forgotten to pack his phone and his wallet. (I wonder… maybe this nonsense of the BOOM BOOM actually IS some kind of mental deficit!) I had a smoke on the front stoop as they rode away. (I closed the car door for Lyle.) And then…. THE DAY BEGAN! Up to the room to strip the bed and get the laundry together. Sweep the floor in prep for Hoover. Bed-linens and whites into the washer. Hoover and tidy. Bob had FILLED the pellet stove before they left but I brought in a bag. I got the room cleaned up, the laundry done!!!! At about 15.00 I tried to “ring” Jacquie. The “calls” via e-mail wouldn’t go through! I looked on the “Google Forum”. Apparently I’m not the only one having the trouble so I posted a rather terse message, got me together and went for a stroll over to Jacquie’s. I wanted to get to the P.O. before she headed out. – When I got there, she was just going to sit in her recliner. There was a bit of wood left in the kitchen and the stove was still going. She sat in the recliner and I sat a moment on the sofa. Jes brought Kerry to BTV today. He went to work and she’s doing what it is that she does… wandering. This evening there’s a “do” that Kerry wants to attend and so, cquie had a day to herself in her own home. (I wonder… it probably didn’t please her, but we ALL can’t be ALL over ALL the time and so…) We watched a bit of the news until she started snoring… and I left… – I went to the P.O. where MY VT TAX CHEQUE CAME! A WHOPPING 65$! FUCK ME! IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO GET A NEW BATTERY FOR THE CAR! IT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING, REALLY! NOT ENOUGH! STORY OF MY ENITRE EXISTENCE! “NOT ENOUGH”! AND NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE WHAT TO DO WITH A CHEQUE! WELL… FUCK ME ALL OVER AGAIN. EH? SURE. WHY NOT? – Came back to la cage to make the bed and put the t-shirts and such in some kind of order (in stacked boxes, of course, as it my “life”… stacked and ready to run). I had a tin of cold “Beef Vegetable” soup with a roll and a “swiss roll” from the store. There’s half’n’half for tomorrow if I want cereal. But I spent the day getting the room together. – By about 19.00 or so, I WAS IN THE LOO… TRIMMED BEARD, EARS, SHAVED, BRUSHED MY TEETH AND… SHOWERED!!! I TOOK MY DAMNED TIME IN THE SHOWER TOO! IT WAS WONDERFUL AND IT’S WONDERFUL TO FEEL “HUMAN” AGAIN… AT LAST! AT LONG LAST! After the shower, I cleaned my ears, got me together and settled-in and down for the night. Opened the “Maudit” and had that with a bit of banter of Twtr. Took the gals out and got them dinner. Came up, got ON the bed and back to the soc.med. but some-ow it got all carried away and… well… instead of being IN BED EARLY tonight… here I am, just getting off-line and settling in. – OH! WHEN “WE” WENT OUT BACK FOR THE LAST TIME THIS EVENING, SOMETHING CAUGHT DIXIE’S ATTENTION IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE AND ELLIE STOOD BESIDE HER AT THE CORNER IN THE BACK YARD. THEY SORT OF WHIMPERED A BIT. BUT WHEN WE CAME IN, THEY BOTH WENT DIRECTLY TO THE FRONT DOOR AND DIXIE WENT TO “HER STEP” ON THE STAIRS. THERE WAS NOBODY OUT THERE. I WONDER… THE DOORS ARE DOUBLE-LOCKED THOUGH FOR THE NIGHT. – And now… The room door is open, the gate across. Time for lights-out and I’m NOT going to get out of bed tomorrow until I’m good and damned-well ready and rested! MAY THIS NIGHT PASS IN PEACE PLEASE FUCK! It was a productive and accomplished day and it’s nice to be “Human” again… even if for only a day or two… May it last the duration. – SHABBAT SHALOM!

Sat.19.Mar: 7.46 Coffee. Smoke. Pellets in the stove. Dogs out. 0°. Sun-shine. And I SLEPT THROUGH UNTIL NOW! AND THE HOUSE IS SILENT… AND CALM. But I had a rather disturbing DREAM:
Restaurant. I’d made a VERY LARGE banner. I’d put in a LOT of WORK into the restaurant But the banner proved to be something of a nuisance. And when I had to move it about, it, unfortunately, un-rolled and would flop onto guests’ tables. At one point, the very end hit a woman, seated in a corner by the front door. The resto was quite large. More like a banquet hall, nicely decorated in wood, some-what rustic but classy. The banner was done on something resembling a burlap fabric, reinforced with rattan or thin wood strips on the upper and lower edges. I’d put a LOT of work into it. Painted on the fabric. Tropical, floral and wood-land motifs across its entirety. It was large enough to span most of the front of the place. And I’d restored the place, almost alone, bringing the wood on the walls, ceilings and floors back to their original lustre and such. I vaguely recalled, through the dream, that it had originally been abandoned, dusty, dark, dingy. Now, it was nicely lit, and the lighting and candles on tables and such gave it a bright-enough warm glow. Toward the end of the dream, I proudly brought the banner out to show a group of “younger” folks who would be running it and that’s when it became a bit difficult to handle and flopped about the place. (It spanned almost the length of the “front dining room”.) When the end struck the one diner at the corner, one of the younger folks made a comment that it was a pain in the arse and that I needed to go and take it with me, get out of the place. I partially un-rolled it and showing it to a young girl pointed out: “And I made it so that if you take-over the place, all that need be done is just to cut it at the end and frayed.” It read something… and (I can’t remember which but…) Jeannie, Jennie, Jeannine, or something of one of those names. I got it rolled again, loosely, and took it out of the place and to the parking/street out front. A car, full of more younger people (Mat, Kristen, a young Jeannine, and some others) pulled up and they were all celebratorily happy. All were celebrating the opening of the place. “You know that thing is worthless.” one said to me. “And it’s in the way. It keeps hitting the customers and we’re going to lose business if it doesn’t go.” said one young fellow, referring to the banner. A young girl said “We want a younger place. We’re all younger and you… well… you helped with the work but you know you’re too old to be ‘in’ the place. You don’t stand a chance here.” Another young girl came over to me as I stood in the drizzle that had started to fall and said, calmly “C’mon. Let’s go. The work’s done.” And I thought, almost aloud but to myself “Yeah, the work’s done and I did it all. Alone. Nobody bothered to even offer to help. But look at them all now. Happy. Laughing. The place is packed full of people. Everybody’s happy. It’s a success. And there isn’t any acknowledgement or gratitude. *I’m* in the way and have to go. Well, you’re right. I *DO* have to go. I have to get out of here and away from here and as far as possible. And I have to go NOW! Staying here will only kill me painfully and slowly. And if I stay too long I’ll be expected to run the place and clean it up after they’re all finished.” The young woman asked me, concerned “Where will you go now? Do you have ANY idea?” “No” I said, “Probably back across the lake. I’m sick of this place. There’re no good memories, nothing that I can say that I’m happy with or about. The whole thing’s turned so repulsive. It makes me sick and angry and depressed just being here now. I REALLY NEED to get out of here and away from here, as far as I can and as fast as I can. Staying here is only going to kill me. And it’s gonna happen slow and painful. It doesn’t matter, really, where I go, just as long as it’s FAR AWAY.”… and I woke up.
THIS is NO GOOD! When the shit gets so deep into my brain, my mind, that I’m DREAMING it! NO good at all. – Nice way to start a new day, in a quiet house.- 65 BLOODY FUCKING DOLLARS IN TAX REFUND. FUCK THIS SHIT! REALLY! JUST FUCK IT ALL! AND 503$ GONE TO THE FUCKING FED! FUCK IT! FUCK ME! FUCK THEM! FUCK IT ALL! – 23.15 And at the end of this day… this Saturday… nothing… NOTHING! YAY! I mean, the stove turned off this after-noon, but that was because the thermostat is in the window and the sun shone directly on it. I was worried, and dumped the ash bucket (it NEEDED to be dumped anyway) and cleaned the exhaust screen out-side. Then went to visit Jacquie who’d had Jes and Kerry over this morning. Kerry had tea and Jes brought in some wood! How charming is THAT! And whilst I was there, Jacquie made cookies… just to do something to keep her from being “depressed” as she told me. I wonder what these people have to be “depressed” about. She’s going to Italy next month, been to Florida already. Has TWO rental incomes and a full-time job. Then we have Lyle… who paid NO taxes or Social Security, whining about 500$/mo. income now… after 730$/mo. for so long… AND medical coverage for multiple hospital visits… not to mention the 3-week “holiday” where his sister covered his expenses when he got tossed from the house. Gee… and I have a car that won’t start and has a flat tyre… needs registration and inspection and SO much MORE and I’m getting 25$/wk. Ah… but THEY’RE depressed. OK. – But it was a sunny day and I did nothing at all with it. And the “goilz” got fed well and taken out. Not as much as I’d have liked, but it was COLD today! But they got more attention than they’d get with the other TWO in here. – Dinner tonight was HOT “steak and potato” soup. I was invited to the town “Potato Dinner” with Jacquie and Jes & Kerry… and drinks at J&K after. I didn’t attend either. Nice to be invited… but no. – Was going to shower this evening before bed. Will re-Hoover and shower tomorrow. Hopefully will wake refreshed early enough for all. – 23.23 Pain… left side… shot a bit from chest to left hand. Goodness me. THAT would be a delight… over and done. But I know better. – Well, one more round on the soc.med. and lights OUT! Tomorrow we re-commence the bull-shit!

Sun.20.Mar: 7.11 The day begins and “Spring” rather “officially” sets in. I’ve gotten up, had coffee, smoke and a dump, Hoovered the room, fed the goilz. I want to take a brief shower this morning before returning to the “Shelter days” that are to re-commence at some point during this day. Truly, my body IS in the same “mode” as it was back then. And this morning, the anxieties return. I wake, feeling as if I hadn’t slept all night, smoke and BM almost immediate and even down to the “urgency” of the BM. Time to… say fukkoff. To paraphrase the song lyrics. But the stove is glowing and the place is warm enough and the sky appears to be clear, the weather, still cold. The Subaru won’t start and the front tyre will probably crack and the world is “normal”… for me. – Spring. Fukkit. – 10.13 OK!!! Hoovered. Showered. Diddled. Stomach sour. Bowels knotted. Head aches. Knowing that the relative peace is ending… but not knowing when. Anticipatory anxiety. But still… painful. – On with the day. – 10.26 Re-posted “Gentleman Crgslst”. – 12.03 Tea-time for me time. 18 bags of pellets up, 3 in the parlour. The corn stalks are plucked and laid on the plastic to cover the artichokes. The goilz was out with me this morning after breakfast. And the anxiety of “their return” lingers. – I re-posted the advert on Crgslst this morning. Let us hope. – 22.27 Tea time! boom boom boom. – Well! After a beautiful morning of a bit of work in the garden with the goilz, I came back in for some soc.med. and at about 14.00 headed to Jacquie’s to find that she’d gone to church with Jes, then to a pancake breakfast after and had gotten in just a bit before my arrival. Whilst there, I brought in some fire-wood, saw that many of the seeds she’d planted on Thursday have already started to sprout! It’s going to be some work keeping them going whilst she’s in Italy. But… – At about 19.30 the phone rang. Lyle. Could I come over an put pellets into the stove. Seems he took ill over the week-end and en route back they stopped at hospital. “Subdural hematoma” and a “DVT” in the foot. Another “living on borrowed time” scenario. OK. So at about 20.30 I came to la cage to find him on the recliners, Bob and he hadn’t spoken most of the day and the fact that NorthWest wanted to send him to BTV to hospital and he refused well… made it all the worse. So Bob, being … what-ever, came in and went directly to bed. (The stove had plenty of pellets, but… drama.) So we chatted a bit. Seems MediCare is cutting back on his coverage because of the value of the house. This in addition to the cut-back on his “Social Security” income. Ah… but I’m quick to add: the dogs hadn’t been let out since I’d done at about 14.30 or what-ever and they hadn’t been fed their dinner so… I cannot help but think “Karma” darling… Plain and simple. There are time when sympathy is appropriate… this is not one of them. – Anyway, now, at 22.34 he’s up and banging shit down-stairs, making un-necessary noise and… Karma. I’ve no compassion… admittedly. – Jacquie? She’ll be home tomorrow and out to take her Lis and herself to doctors on Tuesday. “Staff Meeting” on Wednesday and has to be in BTV by 8.30 on Thursday. I have a long week-end coming… busy and such. Thankfully. But I’ll have a place to sleep, if not in “my own bed” because of boom boom boom. And a place to shower and do laundry. AND… a place of respite. – One of the dogs is at my door now. Poor little things. But they ate well (because I got them dinner and water and gave them treats). – I’m tired and HOPING to be able to sleep tonight. One way or another. – Tomorrow begins quite the week… into quite the week-end. And I’ve no patience… nor sympathy. – First day of “Spring”. BFD.

Mon.21.Mar: 5.43 This morning is beginning rather interestingly: I woke at about 5.00, before the alarms, and in time to hear Bob slamming doors down-stairs. And I’m not quite certain, but I believe he came to the room and knocked on my door for some reason. I laid in bed, in the dark, waiting for the 5.30 alarm and when it sounded, I got up, went to the loo to rinse my mug and have a pee, came back, had my coffee and went for a smoke with Dixie. As I came in, Lyle was in the loo down-stairs, having a pee. I made it back up to the room with-out being noticed (I hope). As I type, I hear that Lyle has come up-stairs. I can only hope that he’s gone to bed and back to sleep.. for most of the morning. – Meanwhile, I’m rather tired yet. But I’m up and will stay up for as long as possible. I’m just NOT in the mood (particularly at this hour of the morning) for “chats”. As I said/wrote last night: Karma. And, I must admit, I don’t truly believe the “diagnoses” that I was told last night. It might be true… and then again, it might not be. There’s not telling. There’s been so much “drama”, as it’s frequently called up here in this part of the country, over the years I’ve been here that I just take it all as it comes… and, for the most part, dismiss it all. There’s so much crying of wolf that one can never be sure… ever. – Well… now to simply hope that I don’t have to go back to the loo for a while and that there isn’t another “knock at the door”. – 8.27 Well… I guess I’m making up for lost sleep. Went for a 20-minute at about 7.00 and… just waking.. and not caring about it either. – 22.07 Fuck me… late. – Stomach is churning. Broke into a sweat doing the dinner dishes at Jacquie’s. Came to the cage, took the dogs out. Poor Dixie HAD to PEE! Then, as we came back in, Lyle gets up. Fed them dinner. Asked how I am. I told him “Not well… feverish, bad stomach.” “Oh, I have diarrhoea.” Well, of course you do. – The day? Nothing. Just nothing. OK. A couple of mentions on fesses-book about the book. A bit of Twtr. Nothing of any accomplishment. And an hour’s nap! Just not feeling well. Almost as if it’s a cold. 2 shots of the Zicam. And tonight, feeling awful… and now waiting for BOOM BOOM BOOM… Probably will come up in full in about an hour. Just not well. – Jacquie wants to go to Noyan tomorrow. I’d like to get to a banque. I doubt I will though. She wants ME to get her 222’s. She’s the one with all the family up there. Oh well. Typical… “You do it.” But she’ll be away early on Thursday this week and through Sunday. I’ll have a place to run to. And I’ll have to think of how to stay there the nights. I SO fucking want OUT of here. – Now… I’ll re-post my Crgstlst advert and try and hope for SOME sleep tonight. It’s going to be Hell… I just KNOW it will be. But one day… one day… one day. – 23.35 Drippy nose, scratchy-tickly throat, run-down… and fearing the BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!!

Tue.22.Mar: 7.43 I feel like shit. Bob and Lyle are off to BTV. I don’t know why, but Bob knocked on the door to say that they were “heading out” and that he was dropping Lyle at hospital whilst he was in BTV. I was still rather in bed, half awake when he knocked, having gone back to sleep after all of the alarms this morning. – My stomach is churning. My head is heavy. My sinuses are packed. It was a “painful” night with terrible cramps in my hands, arms and legs. And two ear-plugs at… mid-night almost on the dot. It’s over-cast and chilled and… here we go with the day? I don’t know. Where we’re going with the day is anybody’s guess. I feel like shit. – 23.11 FEELING LIKE SHIT! TOOK 2 ALEVE PM FOR THE ANTIHYSTEMINE. Bob & Lyle were in hospital all day and me? I did NOTHING! Twtr mostly. The runs and gurgling on the guts. Watery eyes, running nose, generally feeling like shit. Ate a tin of soup at about 21.00. They got back at about 22.00 and of course, the TV is on and up and running! But I’m hoping the Aleve knocks me out for the night. – REPLY FROM CRGSLST! CROWN POINT! NY! I HAVE TO REPLY TOMORROW ON THAT! They want a interview. I wonder how I’ll do this. But I have to give it a try! Then… worry about getting there and such. But… a reply! YAY! Maybe out! Back to NY! That would be nice. And hopefully QUIET! We shall see. – Brussels got attacked today. The Liberals are STILL defending the bombers! This world is worthless any more. Maybe death is the best way to Peace. – Just up from last smoke. Lyle wanted to talk even though I said I’m not feeling well. It goes on. – Peace… Death… Peace. Serious need for serious thought. – It’s snowing now. Winter holds on. Where shall I go to “leave”? Thoughts… for sleep tonight.

Wed.23.Mar: 8.15 No power. I woke at about 8.00 (almost on the dot) after a solid night of sleep (YAY!) and as I looked to the clock on the chest of drawers, the lights when out. I appears that the town is out. And there’s a light, wet, heavy snow falling. Oh well. March. Winter is still here. I don’t recall “falling” asleep last night. That was wonderful and, as it should be. Those Aleve are very good to have! And no ear-plugs. Lyle had come up-stairs to bed shortly after I’d gotten my head on the pillow. He’s asleep now, in bed. But the house fills with the “smoke” from the stove when the power goes out, and it stinks a bit. – I could and probably should, get me together and get to Jacquie’s this morning. I’ll ponder. I need to use the loo in a bit anyway. Oh well. Had my ‘moke with m’Dixie and made coffee with the tap water. So… it’s another day… just another day… with no electric. – Feel? “Remnants” of the past 2 days with the “cold” or what-ever it was. A little better. Just a little. – 8.39 Power’s back. – 20.50 In bed and WHEEZING!!! BOOM BOOM in the parlour and I’ve discovered that it’s nerves, anxieties. The “cold”. The WHEEZING! I tighten up terribly because of it. And now, I’ve got the opportunity to get the fuck out and can’t because of the car? I just don’t know any more. (BOOOOOOOOM! from the parlour.) This place is killing me, just EXACTLY AS THE SHELTER WORE ME DOWN! – The day? Wasted. I paid no attention to the fact that it was trash day and now I’ve got a bag full in the closet for ANOTHER 2 weeks. My “larder” is emptying. AND I ATE… ONE TIN OF PEARS ALL DAY with a little ice cream at Jacquie’s just now. NOT GOOD! Thankfully, my “week-end” begins tomorrow morning at about 8.00. A little more time. AND… I can sleep over there during the day AND at night, should need be. I’ll plan on that… bring my “necessities” over there tomorrow and “set-up” for it. I just wish I had internet. But, we can’t have everything… if anything at all. – So for now, licorice tea, ear plugs and hopefully out for the night. (I wonder IF the dogs will be fed tonight… this bull-shit… really.)

Thu.24.Mar: 5.47 BOOM BOOM BOOM. It’s awake and mobile. How lovely. – 5.59 back up from a smoke and made it with-out interference. But the TV is “on”, at “pause”. My stomach is churning. My nose is dripping. My chest is congested. But I’m awake. – 13.30 And the plants are re-potted. Now to get more water from “the brook” and … the plants are re-potted. – Jacquie’s by 10.00, a bit of a “cedar fire” in the stove, wood from garage to kitchen and weep the floor. As I was getting water for the chicken, Kerry showed to take Hallie for a walk. We had tea after and I was back in la cage by about 12.30. Mme. not feeling well. (AAAaaaannnnd as I type, the BOOMBOOM begins.) I believe the dogs had breakfast. I believe one of them peed on the floor because there are paper towels and I did NOT bother to pick them up and won’t. And now? A tin of ravioli and hopefully a 20-minute “nap”. My back hurts. – 15.00 took a 45min “nap”! – 21.29 In bed. Lyle’s back in hospital. I saw him this afternoon and he said he was feeling “Yucky”. I came up to the room, re-potted the plants and when Bob came in, they got into the car and left. Not a word and left the TV on. I took my time getting over to Hallie and at about 16.30 I went over, found some dishes for under the new pots (in the greenhouse), washed them, had a bowl (or 2) of breakfast cereal (dinner) and a bit of ice cream, fed Hallie, washed the dishes (noticed that Jacquie doesn’t WASH dishes…. they had stuff in them, like the tea-ring on my NY mug.. ICK!), took Hallie out and came back at about 19.30. As I came to la cage, Bob was just getting back in. Seems Lyle had taken a walk to town hall for something and got short of breath and weak. Well… they’re keeping him for observation and a CT or MRI and stress test tomorrow. I shouldn’t say, but I’m looking forward to a night’s sleep! AT LAST! I was planning on going back to Jacquie’s tonight but this is better. I’m comfortable in this bed here. – I still have to reply to the folks in Crown Point to. Will tell them of the events currently and see where it goes. I don’t want to lose an opportunity. (And at tea today, I told Kerry that I truly want to get back to NY and out of VT… no doubt that’ll get back to Jacquie the wrong way… fucking twat that Kerry is.) – And so, the goilz have had dinner (Bob portioned so it’s not much) and ‘moke’n’peepee and now we’re all in for the night. – “Apple Cider” cooling in the mug. No noshies tonight. But I’ve had my fill of fat and sugar with “dinner”. – Tomorrow? Maybe I’ll be able to wash clothes here and dry at Jacquie’s? SHOWER TOO! OH YAY! And my thumbs are cracking from the cold and the burns on the left hand are drying and cracking and sore. But… the world goes on. There’s WORK to be done. But tonight… there’s SLEEP to be had! Thankfully.

Fri.25.Mar:5.54 Rain. Not TOO cold. And I woke before the 5.30 alarm to hear Bob leave for work (or hospital). If I had the stamina this morning, I’d have the laundry in the wash already and the room would be under-weigh. But my bowels… well… an instant BM this morning, and my lower back is stiff. i wonder (rather often), if there isn’t some kind of “blockage” in the bowels and the urethra. “Elimination” is always rather a problem of late… for many months now. On the side, laundry: wash here, dry at Jacquie’s. I over-heard Bob tell Lyle something about not using the dryer. I imagine it’s because of that night where the propane leaked out of the stove. Alas… for me. Oh well then. – But the stove is full of pellets and there’s a full bag beside it this morning. Interesting. – Poor dogs though. Their “pack” is missing… again. Oh well. – It’s Friday, raining, and things to be done… soon enough. – I wonder about the place in Crown Point. I really must give them a call. I can be particular, and there’s no way of knowing what it’s all about unless I contact them. So today, I must put the time aside to do so. – Must… Should… things. – 11.33 CA SE PEUT TU? The bed is made. The water for the plants is gotten. Hallie, Dixie and Ellie, fed and out to pee and such. But the bags that Jacquie got for her little vacuum don’t fit. I’ll have to do the floors with a broom. Oh well. AND… I’m truly NOT in any mood for ANY of this this morning. NOT at all. Just over-powered by bitterness for some reason. THEN, that shit-lib Kerry comes into Jacquie’s with her “How are you. Gotta run.” bull-shit, leaving TWO bags of dog-shit on the porch and muck on the kitchen floor. Oh well… I cleaned the wood-stove, set it up for Sunday and left. I am NOT killing ME today! And… I did my wash at la cage as I Hovered the whole place and brought it over to Jacquie’s to dry. Not a bad accomplishment, for a MORNING! And tomorrow is Shabbat and I’ve no doubt, somebody’s going to WANT. Fuck me! – 14.24 I’m SHOWERED!Clothes are in the washer. I’ll dry when I get to feed Hallie (I hope). And the day will be done! Fukkit. Not in the best of moods, still. But… – 16.16 AND THE DAY IS DONE! Save for going back to get Ms. Hallie her dinner. And me? I’ve had 3 chicken patties (in addition to the cold Chunky soup earlier). But the laundry is done and so too… my chores (as far as I’m concerned anyway). Nothing on for tomorrow and on Sunday morning, HOPEFULLY I’ll get the floor done over there and the fire going and all will be fine and dandy for Ms. Jacquie’s Easter dinner with “them” (and hopefully I’ll be spared form one at la cage because I will NOT be attending Ms. Jacquie’s). That said… licorice tea just because and… see from here.

Sat.26.Mar: 10.45 Heard the 6.00 alarm and went back to sleep to a HORRID DREAM! – Right now, how-ever, just sitting to “2nd cup” of coffee having done: Headed out the door by 9.20, stopped to give the goilz a bit of Hallie’s food that I brought over; took Dixie out for a piddle and then headed over to Hallie; got her breakfast; Mme. Chicken got fresh water and food AND SHE “SPOKE” to me this morning; back in the house to put the dishes up over there and Kerry waltzes in to take Hallie for a walk; we chatted and I told her than I’m working toward heading back to NY (I can’t wait for THAT back-lash); told her that I’m physically in a state the same as when I was in the Shelter and can’t continue this way; oh… noticed that the plant lights were on this morning and am not dealing with it, I asked Jacquie to let me know if the shits up-stairs were taking care of that and she never replied so I’m not dealing with it; en route back to la cage (Lyle was asleep in bed when I’d left) ran into Vaughn who asked what I’ve been doing the Winter (seems the entire fucking hole here knows I’m out of “work”), Kerry came by and today I find out that Vaughn is from Dunham, more “Canadians” in town, how charming; came into the house, brought the dogs back out and chatted with Lyle who tells me that the hospital thinks he’s got pneumonia… well, if one lies about all the time, one is apt to contract that, when I brought the dogs back in, Bob returned… he’d gone grocery shopping, bought a nice card for Lyle… romantic, tears and such, fine. – And now? JUST getting to this. – Ah… but…
THE DREAM:
I was working in the barn and Dixie was with me (she’d been with me last night as I was on the soc.med., laying on her little “blankie” beside me… ). I busied myself and she managed to get under some old wood and a bit of black tarp. When I called for her to come out she crawled out and was shaking terribly, as if having seizures of some kind! She managed to get out from under the tarp, rolled round side-ways and laid on the ground, shaking, shivering and “seizing”! I noticed that she had, in her hind, left hip, something that looked like a bamboo skewer! It was stuck in her quite deeply! And I wondered if it hadn’t had some kind of poison on it, being in that old barn for so long. I tired to pick her up and hold her in my arms but she seemed in such pain! I tried to remove the skewer but felt that some of it was stuck in her some-where and she began to turn quite black, fur gone, just black skin, like the remnants of the dead animal that I’d found when I cleaned the back barn, and she began wasting, and shaking and wrenching! I wondered if the skewer had gone into her vital organs. She was dying and there was almost nothing I could do about it because it was happening so quickly! I thought of bringing her into the house and trying to clean the wound with peroxide or something. There wasn’t even time to get her to a doctor. And as she continued to get worse… I woke.
HORRID DREAM!
I wonder what brought THAT about! I wonder… – Well… it’s 11.00 now, exactly, the stereo is on in the parlour, Bob and Lyle are un-packing their groceries and me? I’m having my coffee. Let’s see what the day will bring. It’s sunny, chilly, and there’s nothing I can do out-side since the ground is still very rather frozen. No sense washing Jacquie’s kitchen floor today. I’ll do that tonight. Then tomorrow, get breakfast for Hallie, get the wood-stove going and… leave the world to itself. – 11.04 The radio is playing “Chariots of Fire” and, a couple of notes in… Clark Shockley. The memories live on… indeed. One of these days, soon, I hope, I’ll stop all of that too. – 19.42 Aleve PM taken. BOOMBOOM in the parlour. I walked out to go to Ms. Hallie at about 18.15 as they were preparing dinner. It was done when I returned at about 19.30. I crept up the stairs, took my Aleve, and am in my jammies, ready to fuck the day off. – The day? Not too bad, I must admit. Did nothing. BUT… TOOK M’DIXIE FOR A STROLL DOWN TO THE BROOK! (Oh… I fed them breakfast… compliments of Ms. Jacquie. These shit-bags know NOTHING of what’s done for them… but at least the dogs don’t suffer.) BUT THE TRIP TO THE BROOK WAS SO GREAT! AND DIXIE WAS SUCH A LITTLE GEM! I’m truly going to miss her so much. I had to wonder today: Am I here for THEM? For Dixie and Ellie? To make sure they’re taken care of? I mean… when I came in from Jacquie’s just this evening, AGAIN, THEIR WATER BOWL WAS EMPTY! I mean… SHIT! – Anyway other than the walk to the brook, I got Hallie out twice, did nothing whilst I was there. This evening, I had the last 3 chicken patties on rolls for my dinner and put the paper towels into the stove for tomorrow. Brought almost the last of the wood in from the garage. Tomorrow morning, EARLY, I’ll get the floor washed and the table set-up. – Oh… message from Jacquie asking for “help” setting-up the folding table and “hope you can join us” for their dinner. Table? I asked if she wanted the tables as they were for Xmas… in a “T”. She replied “No. Leave the table where it is and set the other one up like a T.” OK. I’ll be slipping into that sooner or later… I need to die before that happens. This is NOT good. – And so, on that note, the world out-side grows dark and I have to send “report” along. I think the Aleve is kicking-in, or I’m about to have a stroke. Which-ever it is, the world in-side is turning ever so. It’s about time… I’m going to open the last of the Twisted Tea and when it all kicks in… I’m “OUTTA HERE!” – Good night to the rest of the shits. – 21.43 lights out… BOOMBOOM on.

Sun.27.Mar: 7.20 A bit later than I wanted to get started but it’s still cold and frozen out there so no trouble, really. I’ve had coffee, smoke, the dogs have been out. And my gut is churning. The”trots” already this morning. How charming. Nerves? The combo of the Aleve and Twisted Tea? Not sure. And all I need to do is plot the morning. Kitchen floor, get the fire going in the stove. Yard work. AND… how do dodge EVERYTHING in TWO houses today. Here. at la cage, it shouldn’t take more than a “No thanks.” Actually, in both places it should be that easy. Oh well… what-ever. It’s easy enough for THEM to simply say “No.” It will be that easy for me. – Falling asleep last night, TWO ear-plugs in, was nerve-wracking again. THIS shit needs to come to and end. – And this congestion in the chest needs to stop too. – Always something. – But, but 8.00 I’ll be on the move. Hopefully I’ll be able to time it all well. Just move… KADIMA! – 10.58 House Hoovered. Kitchen floor mopped. Table set up. Compost pile stacked. Chicken yard raked. Garden cleared. Stove burning. And… I’m having a coffee for a moment. Bob and Lyle have showered. And when I’m done here, out to the yard: clear SOME of the leaves out front, trim the trees that are leaning into the back fence. MAYBE tidy the back yard a bit. Between Jacquie’s and this place, the DOG SHIT is fucking repulsive! I’m tired of it… tired of ALL of it. Tired of this. Just tired. But… the sun is shining and it’s quite warm out there and there are chores to be done! – (And all on little-to-no sleep or rest. Maybe today I’ll be blessed with… “completion”. I doubt it though.) – 17.06 I “NAPPED” FOR ALMOST 2 HOURS! Just finished my “Chunky Steak & Potato” soup and a tin of peaches. Tea is steeping. – Today, I got one tree cut down (pain in the arse… the sap is RUNNING! and made the saw wet which made the sawing almost impossible so I took an axe to it!), the other 2 got “lopped”! I impress me so much! With the loppers, I actually got a LARGE branch off of one. Anyway, the back fence won’t have them leaning into it now. Then, got a new wire on the roses on the south side of the house so they’ll be held back and even out of the way of the stove-pipe over there. Raked a bit of the back yard to get up the clumps of grass that had been plowed all over the place. And had m’Dixie with for most of it. – HEY! I started at about 8.00 this morning… finished at a bit after 15.00. 7 hours of WORK! between the two houses. Two houses… No “home”. – Just checked my e-mail. Phone message from Jacquie saying “thank you” for the house and to say “you are always invited to dinner. Pam would love to see and so would everybody else.” That’s nice. – That fellow in the white pick-up, “Bill”, is here at la cage. As I was finishing in the back yard, Bob came out, noticed nothing of course, and asked if I was hungry. I simply said “No.” (I was, but…) Hopefully I’ll dodge the “dinner” here too! Quite honestly, all I want is a shower before I go to bed. – Meanwhile, at 17.13, the sun is still up and out and it actually got WARM today. Really nice day for working in the yard. I just wish I could finish up and get out of and away from here. – 19.35 SHOWEREDIN JAMMIES ON THE BED TEA WATER ON THEBOIL! THIS DAY IS *DONE*! YAY! – Lyle’s Bill just left. Bob just got out of bed. He’d been there all day. I’d been on the Twtr since waking and eating my “soup”. Had a ‘moke with m’Dixie and saw Pam, Dave and others arrive at Jacquie’s. They must be just sitting to dinner. They’re having lamb. That’s nice. I’ll hear about it tomorrow, no doubt. I truly don’t care, one way or the other. I’M SHOWERED AND IN BED! And HOPEFULLY I’ll be asleep soon enough. – Have to check tomorrow’s weather. –

Mon.28.Mar:
DREAM….
It was dark, night-time, cold, rain. I “lived” in an old, deserted factory-sort of building, all cement, peeling paint. I had a large, un-furnished space in it. The “apartment” number was “16” or “116”. I remember seeing the number on the door when I was in the hall-way at one point during the dream. To get up and down in the building, I had to take an old lift, like a freight elevator. “They” (a group of people I knew in the dream but who mean nothing to me in reality) came to tell me that we all had to go to see “him” (another somebody I knew in the dream but who had no name). So I got myself together, dressed in clothes but no jacket or such. My “transport” was some sort of “go-cart”, motorised, but just a go-cart, not a car. It had no “cabin”, no windows or such and I was going to have to drive it, in the cold rain that was falling that night. I got it and me into the lift and went down to the main floor and decided that I’d need a jacket or something to protect me in the cold rain but “they” were there, in a car. They said we’d all go in the car and I told them that I was just going back up to get a jacket. They came back up with me and I left the “go-cart”, got a jacket and we went back down and got into the car. – “He” lived in a building similar to the one I was in only “his” building was more like an old auto-repair garage, cement, peeling paint, quite large. He lived on the 18th floor and again, there was an old freight lift to get to him or very narrow, old, cement stair-ways. “They” took the lift and one fellow and I were to take the stairs. I knew that it would get rather precarious, the higher we got and was a bit nervous about it, and the height. The fellow with me looked up. It was a wide, open shaft up the centre of the building.
“Do you do this?” he asked me, referring to the climbing of the ominous stairs.
“I don’t do this often, but I can do this now.” I said.
My left had was bleeding a bit from the pinky-side. The blood dripped a bit on the floor as we stood there. I wasn’t in pain and there was really no cause for the bleeding and I wasn’t concerned about it. The “blood” was more a magenta-coloured water.
“You’re bleeding.” said the fellow, with only a bit of concern.
I thought of climbing the stairs and the blood dripping down, over them and dropping all the way down to where we were standing.
“You bleed purple.” he said.
“I’ve always bled purple.” I told him calmly. “They’ll know it’s me up there (on the stairs) when I get up there. They’ll see my blood (down here).”

There was a break in the dream and the next thing I was in the woods, in an area that was similar to the creek behind the West’s in Newburgh AND the woods behind the Greenberg’s at Waubeka AND the Riverdale Park.

“He” (not the same one from the previous part, but another “He” whom I knew in the dream but had no name and no connection to any reality of mine) had died. I was carrying some of this belongings: 2 walking sticks and some “vines” or barbed-wire something. The walking sticks had been cut to sharp points at the bottom. They’d been used in some kind of battle against some others who were out trying to kill “us”. (Oddly, in both dreams, the other people had no names and weren’t friends or anything. I knew them only in the dreams. No connections to anybody in reality. I don’t know who the “others’ were or why they were trying to kill “us”.) I was supposed to be disposing of these things, out here, in the woods, but I thought that I should save them, hidden someplace here, in these woods, because we’d need them again, to protect ourselves. – The area was really quite beautiful, lush and green. There were old paths, double-tracks, as if old lumber roads not used in a long while. (Similar to the lumber road in Waubeka.) Down the hill from where I was standing, at a junction of 3 “paths”/trails, was a brook. The water was perfectly clear and VERY DEEP! The brook and the trails were roped-off on both sides with white rope. The brook was running so deep and clear because of some kind of “Spring thaw flood” or something. As I stood there, alone, admiring the beauty of the place, and trying to decide where to “hide” the things I was supposed to simply dump, I thought:
“One day we’ll be able to come here and truly enjoy this place the way it was intended to be enjoyed.” I was thinking of somebody, a fellow I’d fought the battle with. (I’ve no idea who, again, no name nor any reference to anybody in reality.)
As I stood there, a white car came driving along one trail, and then another car came along another trail. I was taken by surprise since I was rather deep in the woods and the trails weren’t exactly “travelled” in the first place. – The whole dream jumped and there was somebody with me suddenly. I’d told “her” about the cars and she said:
“Of course. They drive on those paths during good weather. They’re short cuts. How do you thin they got there in the first place?”
The “trails” were short-cuts for commuters and could only be used in good weather because in Winter, they were covered in snow. I was SO disappointed thinking… “Even in the woods we can’t be alone.” again thinking of the same person I’d thought of earlier.
I woke, up and out of this dream… It was shortly after 5.00 –
5.58 just finishing the notes for the dream(s) I woke from just before the 5.30 alarm. I woke, on my own! Waited to hear Bob leave for work before getting up. But even though I slept rather well and through the night and woke on my own, my stomach… sour, not well this morning. The “steak soup” last night? The “beef barley” did the same as I recall. Oh well. No more of that then. – Time for coffee… I didn’t have because the dream was disappearing from my memory and I wanted to get the notes down. – 6.17 Just up from smoke. Day is breaking. I want to clear the back-yard but there’s more snow in the forecast. I want to clear the front of the house too, but I know we can still have ice storms through April. And I thought, as I had my smoke: Why bother with the back yard now? Nobody notices anyway. They “see” but they don’t notice. And then the question: Why MUST I be awake for every day-light hour? Can’t “waste” the day-light. Why? Even when there’s no reason for it. MUST be awake for the day-light. And the thought: the violence in Europe. What is the damned reason for that? People killing one another. What is the reason? – When I got back to the room, I had to open and close the door silently. When will THIS ever stop? With no job, no income… it never will. Am I going to simply get old and die HERE? I don’t want to! I want to be in a place of my own… where I can be “me” again. But that doesn’t seem possible any more. HOW I SO WANT to beat the shit out of that qunt, Cindy Shedrick. That lying qunt bitch. If “Hate” can travel through the energy that is this world and mete devastation, I hope my Hate reeks havoc on her existence, that she pays for what she’s done. – My “day” begins. – I’ll stop by Jacquie’s today. I wonder if anybody helped her with the dishes last night. I doubt it. People round here aren’t helpful that way. – 6.56 Just finished filling-in the notes of the dream and…. HOW IN HELL DID IT GET TO BE 7.00 ALREADY? THIS MORNING IS RUSHING BY! TIME… JUST ROARING AWAY! Not that I have any particular “agenda” for the day. Not that I can actually “get out there and DO anything at this hour when everything is probably still frozen from over-night. But… I was up at 5.30, “did” nothing and here it is… already almost 7.00! WHERE did the morning go to? – The forecast was for rain all day. I’ll have to check. It looks almost “Summery” out there right now.- 10.04 Back from Jacquie’s where the lights are all out, the house is still and the extra table is taken down from last night. Good for that. – But me: Something’s not “right”. Nothing’s actually “wrong”, but something’s not “right”. Breathing. Not really worth the effort this morning. Congestion. And I can’t seem to type correctly. Like the brain’s being deprived of oxygen. Pneumonia? Lyle claims he’s got it. Who knows? Or allergies from the raking and such yesterday? Who knows? Something’s just not right. And the rains are falling. Supposed to go on through the after-noon. So there won’t be any “work” done out-side today. – Not feeling “right”… and nobody knows. – 22.39 I’ve been in bed from since 20.00 and on the Twtr having a bit of fun this evening. And it turned into quite the day. – Went to Jacquie’s at 10.00, the house was dark and quiet but the folding table was gone so I thought she was sleeping-in and didn’t knock. Came back to la cage for about an hour and went back to check her. She was on the sofa… SICK! Almost no voice, crying because she was ill. So I stayed a while, put the timer on the plant lights up-stairs, watered them, had a tea and when she fell back to sleep, came back to la cage. Chatted with Lyle a bit. He played his new CD of “Life In A Northern Town” and we chatted a bit about that. When I asked if the dogs had had breakfast he said “I’m ashamed to say they haven’t. I just didn’t have the energy.” I cut that chat and fed them and came back up to the room until about 15.00 when I headed back to Jacquie’s to check on her. She was up at table and sounding terrible! Poor dear. (She asked if I’d taken the car out lately and I told her about the battery. Hmm… I need to get that thing OFF of her property! SOON! I don’t know HOW, but I must.) Anyway, she laid back in the recliner and fell asleep again and I returned to an empty “cage”! A quick message to Bob asking if Lyle’s OK brought the news: Lyle’s BACK in hospital! Retaining 10lbs of fluid in a week! They’re draining again! He’s not doing so very well and the hospital isn’t doing much about it. I sent a few messages to cheer them up and got to my own soc.med. for a bit. – The fellow from Hardwick was back on the Tmblr this evening. Charming, I must say. – Bob returned round about 19.30 with news: Lyle’s being “drained” tonight AND the state has cancelled his Medicaid! WTF? Seems with this Obamashit, he has to “spend-down”, out of pocket, 1200$ in order to qualify! Fuck this country. Truly! Just fuck it all! But Bob and I chatted about how I check daily and routinely to make sure Lyle’s breathing and such. Apparently, he does the same thing. And we both agree that Lyle NEEDS to move about more. But this evening, he, Lyle, was in GREAT discomfort. (I can’t help but think Karma has something to do with some of it…) – And so… I had a tin of pasta for dinner, a tin of pears. I went to the store and have devoured 5 of 6 donuts with my tea. I’ll be ill in the morning. – Just up from a ‘moke with m’Dixie. WINDY and CHILLY and DRIZZLY out there tonight! Snow in the forecast again. Oh well. But only a bit. – Must get to Jacquie in the morning… bring chicken soup (I got a tin of Progresso) and vit.C. for her. Bob says there’s bronchitis and flu going round. I hope I don’t have or catch either. – On that note, light’s out. I can sleep tonight!

Tue.29.Mar: 7.05 Snow. Not a lot, just enough to cover with wet, packing snow. But snow. – Woke at about 3.00 this morning with an itch in the nose and sneezing. Oddly, I dreamt that a bit of hay or straw got shoved up into my nose and it created the “tickle” that made me sneeze. So I woke, blew my nose a few times and went back to sleep. Heard the alarms this morning. Turned them off, went back to sleep and just woke in a quiet house. Tuesday, 29 March… snow. Good thing I didn’t clear the flower beds. – Today… just a bit of trips to Jacquie’s until… I wonder if the hospital will discharge Lyle today. Terrible of me to say: It would be nice to get another night’s sleep. – But today I need to get more pellets from the shed too. When the snow stops, I should think. – 13.00 On the dot. Just back from Jacquie’s for about 2 hours. I brought a tin of chicken soup. some vit.C and zinc. She’s got some kind of “Zapper” thing that supposedly kills “parasites” in the body and makes her “flush” them all out. It looks like a TENS unit but attaches to the wrists. Oh well… she’s using that now. And I return to la cage to find that Lyle is back. He’s in bed. Bob is asleep on the recliners in the living-room. “Peace will never find me…” And shit returns to “normal”. Oddly, when I saw the car out front, I immediately wanted to vomit. I’m feeling quite “stuck” here. So… time to focus on finding work of some kind to get out and away. I do NOT want to be around for the “finales” that I’m sure will be coming along… shortly… in due course. – One good note: I showered this morning. Clean me. Now I have to file my “claws”. – 14.16 RESPONDED TO TWO CRGSLST REPLIES! 1 CROWN POINT, 1 PLATTSBURGH! – AND I SEE BOB SENT ME A TEXT AT ABOUT 10.00-SOMETHING THIS MORNING ASKING IF I’D CONSIDER SELLING THE SUBARU! MY GUTS ARE IN KNOTS NOW! WHY? – BATTERIES AT WALMART FOR ABOUT 50$. I HAVE TO CASH MY TAX CHEQUE AND GET ROLLING! – This morning’s snow is gone though. – Having a tea and on with… I just SO need to focus on the BDMs now! – (Wednesday morning) Ah so, the message about the car was because Bob knows 2 fellows who are in need of a car and thought of me and mine. He asked about the insurance and registration and I told him about that. But I told him that I want to get a new battery, fill the tyre and try to keep it “on the road”. I didn’t mention, as I’ve not mentioned, the hope of going to back to NY. – We watched a bit of TV. He’d come from work because he was just so fatigued. And, it seems the hospital is keeping Lyle in for “a few days”. There’s really nothing they can think of to do for him because the haematoma doesn’t require surgery, the clot is being treated with thinners, the fluid can’t be quickly removed because of his one kidney which is compromised as it is and his liver can’t be repaired anyway. So? So. Apparently Medicare will cover 80% of costs and Bob’s insurance will cover the extra 20. But still. It’s quite a bit of money for this. Money… how fucked-up is all of that. – Meanwhile, a trip to Jacquie’s to check on her at about 16.30 or so. She was up at the computer with her e-mails and such and though sounding a bit better, still in the “pity party”, asking the “how to” about e-mail and not really paying any attention. She’s all wrapped up in the trip on the 11 April. And so it seems now that I will bring her to BTV to a bus that will take her to Boston where she’ll get a plane to Italy. But on the return, she won’ t be back until 1.00 on that Friday morning. And yes, indeed… it’s not so much the getting her at that hour, she wants me to bring Hallie and I do NOT want to drive the truck with Hallie in it in case something happens. But, that’s for then and this is now and now I’m just not going to ponder it. – We had a bit of re-fried rice and chicken stir-fry for a light dinner, followed by a bit of the news. I was back in by about 20.00, chatted a bit with Bob and came up to the room for bed. – By about 20.45 or so, I’d done with my tea and was just SO tired, I shut the computer down, lights out. – I’m just really rather drained. I wonder what the congestion in my chest is all about. Time will tell.

Wed.30.Mar: 6.06 VERY VERY OUT OF BREATH AND OXYGEN from the moment I got out of bed. Wheezing. Congested. Hmmm. I wonder. March is almost done already. Time is going by rather quickly. I’m ageing and running down, so it would seem. Just running down. I wish I knew of a nice little place up in the Adirondacks where I could simply climb to, out of the way, and just “Go”… quickly and soon. – Another day today. Another month draws rather to a close. I’m older… and running down. – 6.23 The fucking computer is dragging again this morning! I wonder if it’s not being hacked by .. oh… probably the govt. I shouldn’t doubt it. Fuckers. – 23.19 Not well. But soc.med. book promos got posted today. Visit with Jacquie for a bit. Didn’t eat nor tea. Couldn’t. No energy. Lyle still in hospital. Nice chat with Bob about what he’ll do when Lyle “goes”. They’re thinking of another “room-mate”. – Meanwhile, I received e-mail from the folks in Crown Point and I’m considering seriously now. Grounds-keeper for 2 properties like here but with studio apt. and private bath. Indeed. – Time to try for sleep! Bob off tomorrow and I start “the week-end” back and forth. – Something’s really “not right” because putting shoes on and taking them off kicks the air out of me. Oh well.

Thu.31.Mar:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CYNTHIA! (I hope)9.02 Yes. 9.02 and just getting the day started. Short on breath, low on oxygen. But this over-cast but warmish day begins. VERY difficult breathing. – And some difficulty starting the computer. Some kind of “failures” in the soft-ware. It would figure though, now, when I need to be able to communicate with people. – Last night I looked into the one offer for ground-keeper. I think it’s the one in Plattsburgh. That would be rather nice. Close enough to the North Country. Crown Point might have been nice but Plattsburgh is… well… NORTH. We’ll see what comes of if. 2 properties to tend. Grounds and light building maint. I can handle that… if I ever start breathing again. We shall see. – Meanwhile Bob’s in the parlour. He’s got a MD appointment today. I don’t know when, but, today Jacquie goes off to work. Says round about 15.00. My little week-end commences too. – Let’s see if I survive. This morning I’d just really rather go sit under a tree and wait for my lungs to stop. That’s the way I feel. – Happy Birthday little Cynthia. How often I wonder… I doubt I’ll ever “know” for certain. And in 1968, Opa got his bit of Peace… the clot did him in, as it were. Me? Today… here I am… not wanting to be here and not giving a shit about much of anything anyway. – 22.01 In bed AT LAST! And the month of March closes with a blust’ry night of 16°! March… done and gone. – The day? Well, Bob left for his MD appointment and I don’t know when he returned because I was at Jacquie’s, but he came in and went to sleep. He’s probably worn out with all of the trials and tribulations with Lyle these days. And after last night’s “chat” about his plans for after Lyle’s “gone” (keeping the house, cleaning it out, staying here in town and such… and telling me that when Lyle becomes “nasty” he’s going into a home…) I can’t say that I’m in the least surprised. Anyway, I wish him well and hope that I’m not here… much longer than April. –
So I went to drop in with Jacquie before she left today and mentioned how truly terrible I’m feeling and the trouble with getting air and oxygen and the fatigue. Her response? She’s worried about the GARDEN! THEN she asked if I could find the time to cut-up the old “Xmas tree” for wood for “the fire pit” here! SERIOUSLY? IT PUTS EVERYTHING IN PERSPECTIVE! IF THIS OFFER IN PLATTSBURGH PANS OUT… I’M GOING! IT TRULY MAKES NO DIFFERENCE WHETHER I’M HERE OR NOT OTHER THAN THE WORK THAT WON’T GET DONE! ONCE AGAIN: I’M “GOOD” AS LONG AS I CAN *WORK*! MY ILLNESS IS MERELY THEIR INCONVENIENCE.
Stopped at the store this evening for cookies, ice cream, 2 mini pizzas, 2 chicken pot pies, 2 packets of cheese “curds”, a tin of fruit cocktail… had the pizzas with cheese for dinner and ice cream for dessert. – Also stopped at the P.O. for… LETTERS FROM THE IRS: THEY GAVE ME AN ADDITIONAL CREDIT OF 399$ WHICH THEY’VE TAKEN AGAIN. 700$ TOTAL! I COULD HAVE THE CAR BACK ON THE ROAD FOR THAT! FUCK ME FUCK THEM FUCK ALL OF “THEM” AND FUCK IT ALL. (Again… I’m only worth the WORK.) Time to seriously ponder going to the Adirondacks and getting the FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT! There’s the plan. – A note on the Twtr this evening: I made a “friend” with a “Millennial” this evening. Charming gal. Seems sensible too. And her posts are quite unexpectedly “Conservative”. As she pointed out: not ALL of them are the same. As I pointed out: my heart aches for those few with sense. – Then I changed my little “handle” to “NO•DAESH NEWS NETWRK” AND SUDDENLY, MY POSTS WERE HELD-UP! I SWEAR THE WORD “DAESH” RAISED THE FLAGS AT TWTR. I EXPECT MY ACCOUNT TO BE GONE IN THE MORNING. After all this time to get over 100 folks following. It would figure. It would be “my so-called life”. Oh well… Move along and “carry on”. – One note before trying for sleep: I’ve doubled the vit.C intake to 4gm and tonight, I’m breathing a bit easier. The symptoms on a look-up could be bronchitis, asthma, not CHF because although I’ve gained the weight I don’t have any signs of retaining fluid. Or, of course, it could be small or non-small cell lung CA. But, as I say, 8gm of vit.C in the past 2 days and tonight I feel I’m getting a little more oxygen. – Well… I’d like to open the window tonight since it’s actually warm in here but it’s supposed to rain and the stove is going so it’s probably not a good idea. If I can tomorrow, I will for a bit when I’m here alone. During the week-coming, the temperatures are supposed to go back down to “chills of -11” so? So… it’s “April” in “The North Country”. – Time to close this up, post it to the on-line, grab a back-up for me and call this day… FUCKED. – Another day “behind” me, and another day less to have to put up with.