NO-fucking-vember 1, Tue. FUCK ME! I did NOT want to be ANY-where even remotely NEAR this place at this date! Best to hope for: A warm snap… soon. And I still have to “pack” to “leave”! SHIT! – 8.21FROST!* And quite the frost and frosty temperature too! Clear sky. Brilliant sun. And quite frosty. – Bad night’s sleep too. I’m feeling as if I’d been sleeping under a truck through the night. Head, heavy and body just doesn’t want to move. But I’m dressed. Have had coffee and smoke. Jacquie’s in the loo. And all is another day… in another month and, as usual, as I stood having my smoke, my insides are moving… GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! AWAY FROM HERE! WINTER is slamming in. – Well… there are leaves to be raked-up today. Something to distract and other-wise occupy the day. Something to “do”. – Jacquie’s already been out to the garden, digging up carrots, of all things. Dishes in the sink. I could have (probably should have) washed them but… – Another day. Another month. And all is still the same inside me… anxieties and angst. Another day. Another month. Why? Fukkit. – 10.23 Sitting at the kitchen table with my 2nd coffee… the dishes are washed and in the drain, more wood in the stove. The house is silent. I came from the little room about 20 minutes ago… empty house… even Hallie’s out. Nothing was said, nothing was mentioned, no sound… I came out expecting to see somebody some-where… and the truck is gone. Oh well… at least the kitchen’s back in order… for a while. I wonder… none of my business but… OK then. – 23.07 Well, come to find out, this morning, Jacquie DID go out for a few hours… but didn’t take Hallie! Hallie was in the bed-room all the while. But… when she came back… it was about 11.30 and the day was nice and I headed out to rake the leaves and then…..
JACQUIE GOT IT, FULL-ON, ALL-OUT TODAY! I COMPLETELY LOST IT! NO CONTROL! NO CENSORSHIP! JUST FULL BARAGE! SHE PUSHED, I OPENED THE WAR! TWO LANGUAGES! I WASN’T FEELING TOO WELL TO BEGIN WITH, MY RIGH BUTT-CHEEK IS SORE FROM THE FALL THE OTHER DAY AND, DOING WHAT I DO WHEN I DON’T FEEL WELL, AND THE DAY BEING CLEAR WITH ONLY A LIGHT BREEZE, I’D NO SOONER STARTED TO RAKE THE LEAVES ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE HOUSE AND SHE STARTED WITH THE “BREAK FOR LUNCH”. AND WHEN I DECLINED, SHE PUSHED. THEN SHE SAID, AND IT FUCKING PISSED ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF “YOU CAN FINISH LATER AND YOU HAVE ALL DAY TOMORROW.” WHAT THE FUCK? I’VE NOTHING ELSE TO DO? FUCK YOU! AND I PUSHED BACK! VICIOUSLY, BECUASE SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN AND WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY. WELL! I DOUBT THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN… AT LEAST, NOT TOO SOON. AM I SORRY? HELL NO! SHE JUST DOESN’T LEARN AND SHE JUST DOESN’T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING I TELL HER. AND I TOLD HER THAT AS WELL. ALONG WITH THE FACT THAT AS LONG AS I DO SHIT AND ALL IS WELL AND I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND GO ALONG WITH EVERYBODY ELSE’S SHIT THE WORLD IS FINE. I WAS ENJOYING MYSELF RAKING THE LEAVES, I’D WANTED TO DO SO FOR A WEEK BUT THE RAIN PROHIBITED IT AND BANG! OH SHIT! HE’S QUIETLY ENJOYING HIMSELF AND NOBODY CAN POSSIBLY ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN! THEN SHE TOLD ME NOT TO CURSE AT HER. I TOLD HER I WASN’T CURING AT “HER”, RATHER IT WAS TO EVERY FUCKING IDIOT IN THE TOWN AND STATE! I TOLD HER I WASN’T FEELING WELL BUT THAT WORKING THROUGH IT WAS MY WAY OF FINDING EVEN A LITTLE PLEASURE IN AN OTHER-WISE MISERABLE PERIOD. BUT I KNOW THAT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE I DON’T MATTER… EVERY-FUCKING-BODY ELSE MATTERS. THEN SHE TOLD ME THAT I WAS MAKING HER FEEL BAD OR THAT I WAS HURTING HER FEELINGS AND I TOLD HER THAT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE NOBODY HERE HAS ANY FEELINGS, NEVER MIND COMPASSION FOR ANYBODY OTHER THAN THEMSELVES. IT’S BEEN LIKE THAT FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS NOW AND I’VE HAD ALL THAT I’M GOING TO TAKE OR STAND FOR. AGAIN, DO I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT? HELL NO! AM I SORRY FOR OR ABOUT IT? HELL NO! IT ENDED WHEN SHE WENT BACK INTO THE HOUSE AND I WENT BACK TO RAKING.
That said and done… it was a little while later when she came out to tell me that she was going to Sheldon to get an estimate on repairing the bumper on the truck and she took Hallie with her. – A while later, she returned and went back to “cleaning the fridge” and left me alone to finish my raking. At one point, Jes came by. Kerry was in having tea with Jacquie. Jes asked how I’m feeling, said he and Kerry had been busy going to Québec and Ottawa, he was going to the post office and then in to join Jacquie and Kerry over tea. Oh good! And I’m rather glad that I wasn’t invited to join because I was about done with the raking. – They left, Jacquie came out for a moment, probably to check on my progress, and I mentioned that it was supposed to rain at some point. Well, she let it go, went back into the house. – Ah… sometimes the world actually DOES function properly because, I’d no sooner finished ALL of the raking that I’d planned and… a light rain! BUT… I’d finished the leaves AND started to pull the tomato cages… I got about 8 of them up and Jacquie came out to the garden to tell me that it was about 17.00. “I was going to do that.” said she. “I’m sick of looking at jobs half-done.” I calmly replied, and then said that I’d just wanted to get those 8 and I was done. – Went into the house and dinner was being prepared. All I wanted was something to drink. I didn’t DARE take a break for a beverage whilst anybody was in the house and I was thirsty. So I finished a tonic and then got myself a beer. Jacquie had a couple glasses of wine… and we had the lamb shank from Costco, squash (of course) and the carrots she’d pulled this morning and some beets. Nothing of the “blow-up” was discussed. It stayed where it was. – After dinner, I washed the pots and tidied the kitchen, we sat to watch “O’Reilly” and then “Kelly”, during which she dozed, and when “Hannity” came on, she was dozing and I went to the SHOWER! When I came out of the shower (approx. 22.30) the lights in the parlour were off. Jacquie went to the loo, I went for a smoke and here I am… 23.20… on the bed, just finishing a “pull”. – WHAT A FUCKING MISERABLE DAY! Other than the leaves being raked. – She’ll be out for “staff meeting” tomorrow and maybe a union meeting. Me? I’m going to pack for “departure”. Time to face the fact: the Edgemont is fucked… and I can’t stay here any longer. BDM TIME! – 23.22 Soc.med. and try for a nap.

Wed.2.Nov: 9.15 JUST getting up! Coffee and smoke. Jacquie’s cooking in the kitchen and I had one of those nights where I woke to find the pillow on the floor. I could really go right back to sleep. But at 11.30, the house will be empty. If need be, I can go back to sleep then… for the day, if necessary. I want to “pack”. Time to… say.. good-bye. – 17.09 At the kitchen table as the sun is setting o’er the Adirondacks where I should be laying, breathless, under the pines. But I’m not. It was a rather warm day, wasted, for the most part, by me, in the house, doing nothing, really. In fact, as I sit here, I don’t recall ANY of this day, save the few moments of watching some of the news. I did wash a few pots and pans. Jacquie didn’t leave much behind after her cooking. She’d left some “pumpkin pancakes”. I tried one. Quite delicious. But they’d been left on the table and the flies got at them so… the 2 others went with the bag of bird bread and out the back. Next went the left-over beet soup and baba ganoush I’d made. She’s not eating it. I don’t give a shit about anything lately. So out it went… down the drain. It’s in the septic now, where it belongs. – Next? I got a little box for the leaves to send to Dorothy, printed a “card” of my “Adirondack Autumn Lake” painting and jotted a note on it. Packed it all up and printed a label. Ready to get out with tomorrow’s post… I should hope. – Just in from a smoke and have to note that there’s actually a “shroud of HATE” around me today. Almost palpable. A bit of a bubble between me and this place. I even hate the very grass in the yard today. All day, primary thought has been planning on how to pack and where to go to when I can get away from here. Indeed, in my gut, I some-how “know” that the spot at Edgemont is gone. I could re-post my little advert and see what happens. But I’ve actually gotten to the point where I no longer “don’t” give a shit… I simply don’t have any shits to give… It’s not that I “don’t” care… it’s that I truly, all too simply… “can’t”. There’s not enough of “me” to do so. – So now, I’m having a tea. I’ll read through my printed list of music on the iPod. I’ve always wanted to make a little “play-list” to hear as I “leave”. May as well get on with it. After all… I’ve no desire to get out and do any yard-work. I did HOURS of that yesterday and now, the sun’s going down and the day is done. No sense… no sense to anything… – The wood-stove is empty and cold. I removed most of the ash into the bucket. It’ll have to be taken out sooner or later. – Jacquie’s meeting is done by now… I think it ends at 15.00. I think her “union” meeting is at about 18.00 and will probably be over at or around 19.30 which means the earliest she’ll be back is 20.30. But I doubt that will happen. Tomorrow she’ll leave round about 14.00 for the week-end. I look forward to being “alone”… but not here. I don’t look forward to being “here” at all. – Well… that’s about that for now. Tea’s steeping, the light’s turning to evening. Another day is closing. – I probably should eat something… I’m not really hungry. It’s more the “should” than anything else. But I’m not in the mood for eating… no appetite. This depression is settling in heavily… Oh, and the BOOMBBOOM up-stairs is commencing. This fucking shit-hole… round and about and all over. Just a shit-hole. – Hopefully I’ll be able to get back into bed and under the covers and back to sleep early this evening… and not wake until well AFTER the “Final Judgement” day. – 23.28 Well I had a ANOTHER BLOW-OUT this evening. Jacquie got told that, in spite of the fact that she IS, in my opinion, the ONLY trust-worthy person in the STATE, that over-all, I find that they’re ALL a bunch of worthlessness, even below zika and other such viruses and such. What brought this about? Seems Stanshit posted his vitriol on… FESSES-BOOK! Calling her “evil”, “Devil” and other such. And… AND there are multiple “replies”! I’ve reached the end of my patience with this shit here. It’s OUT or O.U.T. one way or another. Well… I did my research, did a screen-cap of the posting, sent it to Peter and we sat and had dinner… in peace. This evening, just before we headed for bed, Jacquie said: “You have to get it off your chest. I understand.” I really DO believe she does… for the moment anyway. But I made it clear that, based on my 5 year here, I wait for the moment when SHE shoves the knife in my back as well. Well…? It’s on the table, in the open, said and done and that’s that. And again, no, I’m neither remourseful nor apologetic. – Now, I’m in bed. I’ve got to see how much it’ll cost me to get to Brooklyn or The City to meet with Vincent. I’ll have to “beg” for the fare, and hopefully can crash over-night with Ev. But it seems the only way to get this matter done… before the ice and snow make it all impossible. I’ll see what happens. I don’t want to be here like Cecil… using Jacquie’s income to live. But this isn’t funny and it’s certainly not trivial and I’ve not abused her at all. It’s a plan. Let’s see where it goes. – Time for soc.med. and “sleep”. Let’s see how THAT goes too.

Thu.3.Nov: 6.29 The mail has arrived at the post office. The folks up at the General Store have arrived. Ms. Jacquie is in the kitchen. And I am in from my smoke. The commuters are well on their way, to points and places miles away. The town of Shitfuk is awake. And the sun is no-where to be seen. Another day has “begun”. And here I am to witness it. How nice to be awake at this hour. What a curse… to be awake… and breathing. Charming. To wake in the morning to such feelings. – I wonder if I could start at “crowd-funder” for a trip to NYC. I wonder. Truth: if one doesn’t try, one never knows. I’ll have to ponder this. Just for the train fare. Maybe for a hotel for a night. I fell asleep last night thinking of how I could spend the night at the Shelter. Imagine? The Shelter is still that much a part of my existence. Once upon a time that would have been… actually WAS a “horror” to me. And today, these days, it’s just an available alternative. The Shelter… again. – I had a DREAM last night, I can remember only a bit of it, the main point, I imagine. Wax in my ears. Heavy and copious. Trying almost to “sop” it out with towels and paper and such. Soft, runny wax. Ear-wax? I wonder what sort of interpretation THAT has. Something to “s’amuse” with a look-up. – Well… now to figure what the fuck to do with this day as it fucks me over. – Another day commences. “This is a day which the Lord has given.” FUCK YOU! – Oh… Amen. – 6.41 FUNNY SHIT!According to
“dreamdictionarynow.com”:
Dreaming of earwax means that you’ve recently heard something negative about yourself and you are disgusted and/or embarrassed of yourself because you know that it is true. However, the dream may also represent the fascination you may feel in discovering that you can significantly improve yourself.
To dream of having excessive earwax indicates that your are refusing to listen to something important. It may also indicate that you need to focus on paying more attention to your friends and family.
To dream of earwax found in another person’s ear means that you may be in danger of losing communication with someone important to you.
To dream of cleaning your own earwax means that you will soon hear good news and that you will overcome any difficulties that you may be having during your waking time.
“edreaminterpretation.org”
To dream that you (or a doctor) are cleaning wax from your ears, suggests that others are trying to send you a message and you are refusing to hear them – you need to get real and listen up. If your ears hurt in your dream, you may soon receive unpleasant news.
(Auditory meatus; Cerumen) If one sees himself cleaning the yellowish waxlike secretion found in the canal of his external ear, or if he is cleaning it from someone elses ears in a dream, it means that he will acquire a needed antidote or poison or become free from the plot of envious people.Ifone cleanse his ears from earwax or from other dirt in a dream, it means that he will hear good and pleasing news.Ifone sees himself eating the earwax he extracts from his own ears in a dream, it means that he is a child molester. Cleaning the wax of ones ears in a dream also means hearing pleasing news.
“dreammoods.com”
To dream that you have excessive earwax suggests that there is something you are refusing to hear.
OK! So I wonder… Am I refusing to hear something or is it that I will hear something? 3 out of 3? We shall see… of that, I’ve no doubt. – 21.33 Well imagine THIS: TOOTH-ACHES! Left side. Top and bottom. Again. I’ve pulled once. Then shoved a triple Zicam up the nose. Just washed the dishes and taken 2 naproxens and having a beer. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sleep through the night with all of this shit. – The day? Not bad at all. Matter of fact, it went by rather quicker than I’d thought. Calm and all. Jacquie left round about 13.30 and I started a fire in the stove (at last?). It’s going rather nicely at the moment after quite a difficult start. But the whole day was calm… Poor Jacquie has to go to Montpelier tonight… had to leave at about 21.15! To take somebody to a “show”. I don’t know how she does it but I imagine she doesn’t mind. It gets her out of the house and even when she runs them on errands, it keeps her away from this shit-hole. – Me? I keep wondering about last night’s dream. What am I not hearing that others are telling me? Others? Plural? The only one I talk with is Jacquie. Or, what is the “pleasing news” I should be hearing? I’ve heard nothing from Vincent about a meeting. (I need to get on that crowd-funder.) Well… we shall see… as Mama used to say. – Now, I’m at the kitchen table. You know, I should be thrilled to be here. I get 3 days alone every week. And Jacquie and I do get along for the most part. It’s just HERE that bothers me and as I said to her last night, I keep waiting for the knife to come plunging… it’s been like that for the 5 years here… Fuck. It’s been like that all my fucking life. We shall see… indeed. But it’s a lovely house, save the nightly backing up-stairs. And I’ve a wood-stove and a dog. If only it wasn’t “here”. – And now… for a bit of soc.med. for a little while… – OH! I put the “laces” in those cheap Walmart slippers! Poked/cut the holes and threaded the macramé rope through. Works well. Let’s see for how long. – And… that’s that and that’s a wrap for now. May PEACE REMAIN through the night… including the tooth-aches which I tend to think are sinus trouble.

Fri.4.Nov: 9.33 After a bit of pulling and with a bit of pain, I think I fell asleep at about 2.00 this morning. Heard the 6.00 alarm, turned it off and fell, instantly, back to sleep. The phone rang at about 9.15. I’m “awake”. Had coffee, smoke, got breakfast for Hallie and pulled. The tooth is better this morning. It never ceases to amaze that that pulling actually helps. I wonder though: for how long until it won’t work any more? Well… for now, it does. – Now then… I failed to include the *NEWS* I learnt at about 22.00 last night….
*** 5225 is up for RENT! 1400$ down, 700$ per month, and there’s mention of 1100$ (I wonder if that annual or semi) taxes. (I suppose the renter is expected to pay those too.) I went a-lookin’ on the fesses-book for Bobo, just on account of because, and since there was nothing there, or, as the currents put it “there was no ‘there’ there”, so I meandered over to the Gordo. Ah HAH! THERE was a ‘there’ there. They’re in PA! Seems Bobo’s pops was ill and has died. Gordo’s all about the “my father in law” boo-hoo and the “I love you” stuff, as children will be on the social medias. AND a mention of “my husband has a job interview”! THEN, a little bit down the wire, there it was and photos and such. “15 room farm house” and the particulars. Right then. Had I known sooner… now I want to get the Coldwell mower and some sap buckets from the barn! They’re chatting about coming back up to sell-off what they don’t want. (Oh… 10 tonnes of pellets are there too.) But there’s not mention of “when” that will be. Meanwhile, there’s a car sitting out front, over-due inspection (and perhaps, registration), right there, on the main. And the place is empty. WELL! Also, mention of “our 1 month anniversary” and “good times” and “not so good times” already. Married? I’m guessing I had that whole situation pegged indeed… convenience. Lyle was there. Bobo needed. Bobo got. Lyle died and was “out of the way” and bingo-zingo, Gordo comes rolling in and zappo-do! Little does Gordo realise: it’s nothing more than convenience for Bobo too again. Ah… I have to almost chuckle though. Gee… if I were working these days, for 700/month, I could simply move right into that old “13 room farm house” and not bother with moving about. As if I’d even consider staying in this town, never mind, the state. Still… So anyway, I took a screen-cap of the “announcement”, sent it off with a “note” to Jacquie. Reply “Thanks for the news.” – Now, I wonder about Dixie. Considering contacting Eric to enquire. I’ll consider a bit more on that point. And so, there we have it. More of Turd-hole (Tea-cup?) moving along. Goombye. Good riddance. ***
And so, meanwhile back at today, the tooth is letting me know that something’s not “perfect” but it’s not “PAIN”ful, thankfully. The up-stairs boombooms have begun. I’m not even dressed yet. There’s not much in the “Must Do” department this wet and chilly morning. There’s a new fire begun in the stove and I’m thinking: BOOK! Maybe a bit of house-work this morning first though, so there’s a comfy, clean place in which to BOOK. I don’t know and I don’t much give a shit. The Subaru still NEEDS a roll around the block. We shall see… A new day and so much “potential”. I’d like, very much, to simply “roll” right back under the covers and let the day “roll” right away. – And OH! Sunday morning? The clocks get shoved back an hour. Isn’t THAT charming? “Normal” time… what-the-fuck-ever that is. – 23.42 Odd, but I doze all through the day, sitting in the recliner. I just can’t seem to stay awake. But as the sun sets, I can’t get to sleep, no matter what. It was a day of too much soc.med. and not much else. Although, I did bring in the fire-wood that had gotten rain-soaked, and even put some into the stove and it burned rather well enough. Right now, there’s a high bed of embers and more hard wood in there for the next few hours. – Pulled about 4 times, including just now, but still have a bit of “tooth-ache” happening. Not good, I shouldn’t think. I don’t know if it’s sinus or tooth, but no matter… it’s still painful. – Was going to shower… started at about 21.30 and never made it, side-tracked with soc.med. and bull-shit. So tomorrow will be shower and laundry… maybe two showers. We shall see what the morning brings. Right now, I’m looking toward getting up at 6.00 whether I like it or not. I NEED to work on the BOOK! I started today and… well… got NOTHING done! – Depression seems to be taking a hard hold and when I took Hallie out at 20.30, there was frost on the cars in the lot across the road! FROST! This is NOT good for the Subaru! And not good for ME either. My days of “escape” are slipping away.. rapidly. The only way I see anything “positive” happening is if I can wangle a trip to NYC to meet with Vincent there. But that’s going to require a “fund” raiser and I don’t know that that’s such a good idea, since I’d have to post to soc.med. and risk him seeing it. Oh well… maybe I just have to close my eyes and just go for it and see what happens. Hey! At this point, I’d be no worse off. – I hear the thumping of pounding feet up-stairs. To think, it’s right over Jacquie’s bed-room. But she puts up with it. None of my business. – I feel a bit sorry for Hallie though. It’s been a day of nothing for her, most of the time she’s in Jacquie’s bed-room. Poor dear. But I just don’t have the energy these days. MUST see to it that we get some “play time” in tomorrow! MUST! – Oh, and on Halloween night, Jacquie decided to stand a pumpkin on the porch… one that was so flat on one side that it had to be laid down. Well, today I noticed it was gone… tonight I see that it fell off the porch and split. Honestly. People. She couldn’t leave well-enough alone. People behave as if they believe that I don’t know anything. They’ve always done that though. Still… more-so since I came to this shit-hole state. It’s either that or the old “You’re making the rest of us look bad.” This place is bull-shit. So I don’t wonder that the depression is grasping even harder of late. – Oh well… gain, I’m all but stretching time. I don’t want to put the light out. I don’t want to try for sleep that will probably not come for quite a while. – I see as I check: -2° now with a feel of -4°. -1 was the forecast low but we’re below that already. The rest of the week will be warmer with 13° on Tuesday. Hey! I can vote and the head for the mountains? – Fukkit! This day is done.

Sat.5.Nov: 9.06 Fire started. Hallie fed. Coffee. Smoke. Not bad for having been awake for all of 15 minutes. And another over-cast morning when I didn’t want to wake. I’m pain-free and comfy as long as I stay under the covers, dozing. But… staying in bed for the entire day? I probably could and nobody would know. But I would. I don’t see the harm in doing so. But… Here we have another day… to fill with… well… the book and to play with Hallie. Tonight we drop the “Day-light Savings”. Another hour as we “sleep”. Tomorrow morning, the clocks will tell us that it’s only 8.00 when it will be 9.00. As if that makes any difference at all. No matter what… it will be another day of “filling” with… something. Oh well… Oh well… Oh well… We’re up and… At least it’s not bitter cold.. yet. – 23.41 SHOWERED WELL! Clothes in the dryer. Had my last smoke. And of course, I’m in bed LATE AGAIN! No matter how hard I try… LATE! All the clocks are set back. But that doesn’t forgive the lateness tonight. Fuck! – A note:
In the very core of my soul I can “feel” how Hallie does NOT like being alone. She follows me about the place, unless I make some kind of sounds to let her know I’m in the house, in which event, she goes to Jacquie’s room. But even now, when I “snuck” out to have my smoke, she KNEW and came almost to the kitchen door. She does NOT want to be left alone. My heart breaks for her because I CANNOT stay here and there’s no telling how she’ll be on week-ends when I’m gone… “gone”. I know that the twats up-stairs will feed her and let her out. But I can see how infrequently they bring their own dog out and Hallie shouldn’t have to be that way. Dixie’s probably going through the same thing, since I used to take her out with me, either during the day when I worked on the yard (in the days when I was able to do that much) and when I’d go out for a ‘moke. It only strengthens my utter hatred against “people”… particularly people who take dogs into their lives and then ignore them. What a bunch of fucking, miserable shit-bags. But again, I cannot stay here… no matter what comes.
That said, the ONLY “accomplishment of this day is that I got my “ADK” list of music together. OK. So I turned the clocks back and kept a fire going. And since I washed and javelled the kitchen floor yesterday, I only had to sweep today. But I took my time with the list. And now I have to get it printed and move the music about on the iPod for… – Strangely, the batteries in the iPod AND the lap-top AND the speakers aren’t fully charging any more. It’s ALL going to Fuck-all Hell. My turn! – This evening, I ate the left-over green-bean casserole and the steak and lamb. I’ve NO appetite to speak of any more and when I DO eat (only because I must), that “exposed” tooth, upper left, is PAINFUL! I’ve pulled about 4 times today, including just before showering. I wish the tooth would just loosen enough to pull it. But that’s my “wish” and I know that MY wishes work in the opposite. So, again here, I’m fucked. Per usual. – Still trying to figure how to get to NYC, to see Vincent. I don’t even know if I’m still be considered for anything over there. In my gut, I doubt it, strongly. But the notion of going to The City gives my mind something to ponder. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll work on wording the “crowd-funder”. No doubt it’s going to mean a night in the Shelter (if not Ev’s). But… we shall see. If I try and fail, at least I’d’ve tried. If I don’t TRY, well… then I’ll have sealed the issue as “dead”. “Dead”… that would be so very nice. – And as a note too, the BANGING up-stairs again tonight, even as late as 22.30! Right over Jacquie’s bed-room. What a group of little in-breeds to be certain. They sicken me. But they’re not my problem. Let Jacquie deal with them when… – News today: Poor Donald Trump was at one of his rallies this evening, in Reno NV and some shit-bag caused such a ruckus that Trump had to be removed from the stage by Secret Service and the shit-bag was removed in hand-cuffs! Honestly… the “Left”, the “Liberals” and “Democrats” are a dangerous group. I’m absolutely convinced that they’re the “threats” to this country, even more than any “Muslim” so-called “threat”. These psychotic bastards roam about, free and clear, with such violence in their heads. They’re ever so very much like the violent patients I recall in the psych hospital. Were there any sense left in the world, they’d be under strict lock-down. Even by the very definitions of psychiatrists, psychologists and the DSM, they’re hazardous, threatening society. This election has been fraught with violence all through, and ALL caused by “the Left”. My gut tells me that Clinton will win the election… and not by legitimate, legal, ethical means. She’ll get the position and this country will become a dictatorship… gone and wasted. As has been said: If she wins this election, it will be the end of it all. There’ll be no more elections. She’ll see to that. With-in 4 years, there will be a system where SHE will assign the next “leader”… and so it will be ever-after that. Well… good thing I’m not planning on being round or about much longer. And as it has been said: those who have known Homelessness and destitution will be the survivors. The rest? They’ll learn what we have already learned: suffering. Too bad for them though. They’re the ones who will suffer next. To everything, turn, turn, turn, turn… And the children of today will suffer as they grow under a rule that dictates who and what they will become. Their next generation will know nothing else, save some remote stories they’ll be told, until the last of “my” generation is gone. It’s only a matter of days now… just days. – Well, I suppose I’ll jaunt over to the soc.med. and then try for some sleep. The dryer is still going. Hopefully it will stop by the time I try for sleep. Odd, but typical: right at this moment, fatigue has passed a bit. Let’s see what happens. In the morning, I MUST wake up to print my ADK list and make certain the house is together. Time… what a fuck.

Sun.6.Nov: 7.57 OK! It’s one of those mornings where, when you believe that things couldn’t fuck up any more, Life steps right up to prove you wrong. – Woke with the 6.00 alarm… BFD. Pee, coffee, smoke and pull. Came in to put the little room “together” since there was laundry (clean) about, and get dressed… something I truly didn’t want to bother with. OK. Ms. Hallie wakes. Fine. I get her breakfast (she hesitantly ate) and got the fire going well in the stove and sat down to get the “Farewell” list printed. Pain in the fucking arse! This morning, the lap-top wants to fuck about with the cursor and the cut and paste and shit! WELL! Finally got it done… SIX FUCKING PAGES… enough to keep me “amused” for a week? and the fucker prints “landscape”! Fine. Print, cut, staple (off the edges of course) and there’s a lovely little “booklette” of the list. NOW… to get the fucking thing on the iPod. – Isn’t this just delightful? OH… but it’s not done… yet…. Tooth? Ache. Not severe but there. Took a shit this morning? I’d swear (since I haven’t have beets in a few days) that I’m BLEEDING! Fresh/frank… as if the stool is passing through a bloody part of my intestines. How charming is THAT? I’ve not pain to speak of but… this’ll be “slow”. Yes indeedie doooooooo…. TIME FOR FUCK-OFF HERE! – Well…. at least it’s only 8.04 on this lap-top, although the clock on the wall reads 8.18 and yesterday it was set according to the phone… plus 5 minutes. Fuck it… Fuck this shit! And just fuck…. – Nice Sunday… cloudy and chilled… I don’t really want to know what’s going to fuck-up next. But I’m sure it will be round in short order. – 11.23 AT LAST! THE ADIRONDACK MUSIC LIST IS DONE!!! 265 ITEMS, 18,6 HOURS. Played on “repeat”, that should give me more than enough time. Of course, I doubt the battery in the iPod will last that long, but just so long as it last “long enough”. But after ALL this time… IT’S DONE. READY TO “GO”. – I’m a bit hungry now, but I don’t know what’s “safe” to eat. My stomach’s “off”, my teeth will begin to hurt again. And… Ms.J. is due in at any hour now. I don’t know. – It’s still over-cast out there and chilly and damp. And there’s more “damp” wood in the stove. Not much in the way of heat in here, but still warmer than out-side. I should go to the store to replace the ice cream and such… but I just don’t “want” to. Oh well… A little soc.med. and to the BOOK… IF I’m permitted the time to do so. – 21.38 In bed… indeed. The whole house. How nice. – Jacquie came back at… 13.00 per usual, and got right into preparing beef stew for dinner. We chatted a bit about 5225. I went to the store to get ice cream (to replace what I’d eaten over the week-end), heavy cream (on account of… nothing in particular), rolls to replace the ones I’d eaten and a quart of eggnog (and a small bottle for myself which I drank out-side, of course). Jacquie says she likes eggnog. I hope she’ll drink what I bring because I’ll be bringing more, indeed. (I had some a little while ago, mixed with some heavy cream… I didn’t eat much for dinner, no appetite, so I put in the calories as I can). – A bit of the news after. But not much to talk about this evening. I’ve really got not too much to say. Although I did get the chance to toss in “This state is one massive manure pit and the longer you stay in it, the deeper you get sucked into it!” I told her of my thoughts on going back to NYC. The notice wasn’t received too jubilantly. But… oh well. – She suggested that I go next door before the morons return, to get the reel mower. Imagine that. The town supports my getting it. I shall.. in day-light. – As for 5225, Jada says the house is for sale, that somebody should buy it and tear it down because nobody in the are will live in it, knowing who was in there along. “No offence to you.” said she to me. Word on the fesses-book is that Bobo and Gordo are NOT “loved” in PA but Bobo has gotten a job and “hopefully we’ll get back on our feet”. Gee… I wonder what happened to all the fucking money they pissed away and why Bobo had to get a job in PA. Oh well… none of my business. I just want the mower to sell and perhaps the sap buckets and what-ever else I can find in that old barn to sell-off for some income. I’ll check it when I get there. Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be fair… I’d go under cover of darkness but why bother since the town is backing me (verbally, anyway). – And to wrap the day, I pulled and when I spat into the plastic bag, there’s a hole! Down the front of my CLEAN sweats and some on the floor as well. Fuck me! Now I have to be concerned about washing… and that won’t be happening until Thursday this week… unless Jacquie goes to some political thing tomorrow at some point to help promote one of the local candidates. She asked if I’d like to meet him… potential Governor. I said no because he won’t support Trump. It’s not the support issue so much as it is that I feel ALL Republicans should back and support the Republican Presidential candidate. I told her I’ve voiced my opinion to him on-line. Good enough for me. If she goes tomorrow, I’ll wash my jammies again. Meanwhile… time for evening soc.med. and hopefully to a night’s sleep and early morning. – Did I mention? I fucking need to get the actual fuck out of and away from here ASAP!

Mon.7.Nov: 7.21 Sun-shine. Frost. Head-ache. Sour stomach. And another day begins. Jacquie at table, morning prayer service. I’ve had coffee, smoke, got Hallie her breakfast. And? Fuck me, it’s another day. I’m tired of these… “another days”. – 22.19 Going to bed hungry again… like “old times”. All day I had a small bowl of stew, a bowl of ice cream… some eggnog. That’s it. That’s that. Hey, it’s good… this way, “the day” will go quicker. I won’t have much body fat to absorb anything. And “the day” is coming… ASAP. In my gut I *know* that Edgemont is no longer. – Before I sign-off here: I tried to get into the barn at 5225 today. The inside back door is nailed shut! No way in. The lawn mower is scratched from my “list”. Fucked… once again… in Vermont… as it’s been all along. – On the other hand, I got all of the tomato cages stacked, put all the garden tools into the greenhouse AND pulled the lose limbs from the maple tree in the back of the house!!! Hey! – At 17.00, Jacquie went to some rally for the Governor-hopeful-to-be. She asked if I wanted to join her, there was some kind of festivity after… I declined. And in the time she was away, I washed my jammie sweats… the washer didn’t get the coconut oil out but I re-washed by hand and it’s almost ALL gone! So, clean jammies tonight! – When she got back, Jacquie wasn’t too talkative. But she asked if I’d eaten anything. I told her “Yes” and she replied “You’d better have!” Truth is, I only took enough to make it look like I’d taken. I ate only because I must, in order to keep my head together. Other-wise? I probably wouldn’t bother… at all… any more. One of these days. – Well, Jacquie’s got “call centre” for elections tomorrow at 10.30. Maybe we’ll go together to vote in the morning. After that, for me… raking the leaves on the front yard. I’m down to where there isn’t much to be done… here… like 5225. – The one solar light is shot. Needs a bit of solder. I’ve no idea how I’ll do that. I’ve got some ideas but… – Oh well… 22.27 and time to wrap this shit the fuck up. A glean through the soc.med. and lights out. – If nothing else, SO much to my chagrin and dismay, I’ll be voting in VT. I did NOT intend to be here for this. Fucked yet again.

Tue.8.Nov: 7.46 Erection Day. Yeah… right. And the house is up, coffee and ‘moke. Clear skies. Not TOO cold. And… I’m clothed. Nothing more to say about it. – 8.06 “Well… Ms. Hallie and I are going to the polls. We’ll be right back.” Not “Would you like to come?” And… the truck starts up in the yard. OK then. Thanks…. Fukkall. Why MUST it be done at 8.00? And why not bother to ask? Fine. Thanks… Fuck. –
(Wed:14.29) WELL! It turned out to be quite the day over-all. Moments after I woke, “it” hit… WOW! Nausea! For most of the morning, all I could think of was trying NOT to vomit. That “saliva” in the mouth, wrenching of the gut. I was REALLY, HONESTLY sick to my stomach, so much so that at about 9.45, I HAD to come back to bed to lie down! It was round about 10.00 when Jacquie came in to say that she was heading out to the “call centre”. I had all to do to keep my eyes open, not because of tired but because of my stomach! But she left and… thankfully, I dozed. – THAT’S when “THE MOMENT” of THIS day happened…

THE DREAM… DIXIE!
I was in the house at 5225, nobody else was there. Bob, Lyle and the freak were gone, some-where. I’m not sure why I was in the house because I wasn’t residing there any more, but I was busy doing something, getting “things” together. I stepped out the back door and was standing on the steps when a jitney of some kind rolled into the back yard on the phone company side, it pulled into the back yard, dropped some people off and rode round the back of the house and out to the street on the North side of the house (between the house and the store). I didn’t see where the people who’d been on it when to but I “understood” that they were on some kind of “tour” through something back behind the place. As the jitney left, from the North side of the house, a “NYC/MTA” style bus pulled into the back of the house and left on the South side. There was a bit of a “dirt road” sort of path-way worn round the back of the house. “No wonder they want to sell this place.” I thought, “All this traffic wasn’t like this when I lived here.” And with that, I started to walk into the back yard toward the barn. A group of people, male and female, in their mid-20’s came into the yard. They’d driven in in a white “SUV” sort of vehicle and were carrying things out of it, to set-up something like a “yard sale” or that sort and as they un-loaded the car….DIXIE came out! One fellow had her on a lead but she ran from him and had headed to and into the General Store (which was , in the dream, a liquor store) where she pretty much did as she always does: run about sniffing, exploring, searching. When she finally came back to the car, in her anxiousness to get out and away from everybody, she’d run into and almost through a framed picture of something and had become stuck, mid-way through it. I couldn’t tell what the picture was but it resembled the photo I have on the lap-top as “wall-paper”, with the oval on the horizontal and the whole picture being square, instead of rectangular. When I saw her, my heart felt as if it would burst in my chest with such intense happiness and sorrow! I started to walked toward her and she saw me, pulled with all her might to come to me, still stuck mid-way in the framed picture! And she was still on the lead, the guy trying to hold her back. I got to her and squatted down to bring my face closer to hers, she looked up at me, head back and her mouth opened, in the manner it would when dogs put their head out the window of a moving car and the wind pushes their lips back but it was SO MUCH like the sad smile that a person would have when the urge to cry is so intense that it’s all but stifled by sheer emotion! And the expression on her face was as if she was thinking “I KNOW YOU! I KNOW YOU AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!” I brought my face to hers, we rubbed faces together, I could smell her and she, me. It was SO close and SO wonderful! And as we caressed I looked up at the fellow who was holding the lead and said “It’s just SO good seeing her!” My heart and soul were crashing from emotion. And he calmly, knowing nothing of our past, calmly, but rather annoyed replied “She got into the liquor store.” I just held her face in my hands and held my face as close to hers as I possibly could, all the while my heart and soul ached so terribly and strongly…. and… I woke. It was about 11.20 already.

I woke, my stomach feeling a little better from the nap, but SO out of sorts because of the dream! It was too intense and too real… Not feeling all too well, really, but after some consideration, I decided… GO VOTE! And so, I put on a nice black shirt with the red plaid over it, put on my boots and walked up to the Town Hall… It was almost painful, walking with my dead right foot, but I made it. The sun was shining, the day was warm, it was delightful weather, and a horror walking past 5225. But I made it! – In the town hall, I checked in… my name was on the list! I went to a little table by the window where the sun shone in, sat with ballot and pencil and proceeded to fill the little circles… Red all the way. In this “blue” state, I was going to throw the votes for locals, to the idiots on the ballot, but decided that the nastiest thing I could do is toss them all off to the Republicans and so I did. When done, I took a few pictures of my ballot and checked-out… the walk back to the house was even MORE painful, but… FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I VOTED FOR A PRESIDENT! HEY! I’m old and I can’t give a shit any more. And with my vote, for the candidate I feel best-suited for the position, it felt even better knowing that I’d voted for the most “feared’. It was wonderful! – Back at the house, I changed into “work” clothes and decided to get at the chores round the yard. Headed out, got the hay cart and rakes to attack the leaves on the front yard and got to the end of the drive and… diarrhoea! Back in, to the loo and BAM! But it helped my stomach! I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t the beef stew. Perhaps bad turnips? I don’t know but what-ever, the shits worked and I felt MUCH better! AND… I got the front yard raked! – It was almost sun-set, but with the time left, I got to the old limbs that I’d pulled down from the maple tree, and sawed them down to “stove-lengths”. All done! And the sun went down. – Came into the house and made a 4-egg fried sandwich for dinner and had a small dish of ice cream with the news and Jacquie came in at about 19.00. She too, not feeling well most of the day. Bad stomach and head-ache too. But we settled-in to watch the election results coming in.. and did we ever! She rested for a bit and I followed on Twtr until the battery on the lap-top went. When Jacquie woke, I jokingly said something about having popcorn to watch the rest of the results. She had popcorn, popped two large bowls and we ate and watched…. We were up until the election was called.. for TRUMP! Most counts were in by about 1.00 on Wednesday but Pennsylvania was taking forever to come in! It hovered at 97% “in” for the longest while and suddenly, at almost 3.00… TRUMP WON! And so, with that, Jacquie and I gave a “high five” and.. headed off to bed! It must have been almost 4.00 when the lights were finally out and the house went quiet. I kept thinking it was like New Year’s, sitting up until mid-night to see the new year roll in. But… we did it! – WHAT a day!

Wed.9.Nov: 3.21 DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT. And now begins the period of hope and prayer that he survives. I don’t trust the Democrats. I don’t trust the Clintons. I don’t trust ANY of “them”. And I don’t trust the world. But I can hope… and I do… that nothing untoward happens to ANY of the Trumps or those who worked so hard for this moment. As Jacquie said, since we stayed up to see this: Ours are part of the “Popular Vote” that made the difference nation-wide. Vermont? Shit-hole… still blue. But we were a part of the change, and a part of an historical movement. – I need to “nap”… but I’m awake, and I don’t know why. I still have to complete yesterday’s entry too. But.. there will be time for that. – Pulling as I type. A quick notation on the soc.med. and hope for a refreshing “nap” of not too many hours. – 10.55 JUST getting the day together. And even went to the store for smokes. – Jes rang this morning, with his usual talking over the phone message and I over-heard Jacquie say “You can’t call Kerry…. I can’t call Pam.” These people are … Vermont. – Over-cast and drizzly today. And I still have to finish yesterday’s entry. – Let’s see how the day goes… Dread. – But we’re a “Red” country this morning. Oh well… for all that means to me. WHAT-Evuh. – 14.27 FInally… a bit of “down-time” as Ms.Jacquie takes a snooze and I get to get back to this and such. Tired? Yes, indeed. If I can get to a point where I’ve a moment, I’ll snooze too. Jacquie wants to go to Hannaford’s for something. But I convinced her to nap first. – As we knew: election happened…the world goes on. – 15.39 Nice nap…. – 23.40 Well, well…. shit! This late A-FUCKING-GAIN! I’ve been in the room, on the bed for almost 3 hours now, looking at the Twtr accounts of all the rioting happening in the country by the worthless little shits protesting the election results. Jesus! This world is so doomed with the likes of the idiots people are raising these days. And the Democrats are the ones causing the worst violence… since the beginning of this Summer past! Honestly? It IS a great time to be “old”. Soon to be away from all of this bull-shit. There’s no talking with any of them. They truly are mentally deficient and worthless.. and it’s not just the young ones… adults alike. – As for the day? Well… there wasn’t much to it, really. Jacquie and I napped a bit… because we HAD to after last night. – At about 16-45 she decided to go to the banque in Enosburgh and asked if I wanted to go to Hannaford’s. Thinking it a good opportunity to get more coffee and some crap for the week-end, I agreed and drove into town where she went to the Merchants, over which, Eric lives (or lived). Sitting in front of that building was making me heart-sick, thinking I might see Eric and if Dixie’s with him, seeing her too! I hoped I would… and yet, I dreaded it! When Jacquie finished her business, we drove round the back of the building where the entrance to the apartments is. Eric’s car wasn’t in the almost empty lot so I don’t now that he lives there any longer. My heart-aches dig deeper, wondering where Dixie is now and if she’s being taken good care of. – We drove over to Hannaford’s and Jacquie wanted to stop in the dollar store. I went with her, just in case I might find more solar lights to repair the one that’s broken. As we walked in the door I said to myself “No fucking way in Hell…” BUT THERE THEY WERE! 1$! RED AND GREEN LIGHTS ON CANDY-CANE POSTS! I had 6$ with me and got TWO! (And a can of spruce spray for 1$. ’tis the season and I grab what I can in the piney stuff!) THRILLED! YAY! And I was off to Hannaford’s for bread, franks, coffee, creamer and tonic (and forgot to get more coconut oil, damnit! But what I did get came to 45$! SHIT!) – We got into the truck. Jacquie had gone into the market too to get something for her Lis and we (I) drove up to her house, alone, on the hill, in the darkness. I stopped in to say Hi. Come to learn, Lis is another Demofuck. Jeez! They’re all over the fucking state! But the chat ended well enough as can be expected with that kind of idiot and we were off to the house again.- Back at the house, I started to repair the Ball-jar light and Jacquie got a beer… and then… proceeded to tip the bottle over on the table! BEER ON THE NEW LIGHT AND ON ME! WELL! As she apologised I told her not to worry about it, that I WAS happy for a while but Life doesn’t like it when that happens. I changed my jeans and under-wear. (I still have a bit of beer on my bum… but hopefully tomorrow. A-FUCKING-GAIN, I’ll be able to toss all into the washer.) – She cooked. Jes came by with little bottles of wine and a case of beer and we all sat, had dinner and a most enjoyable chat about politics and the world a present. It was a pure delight talking with the two of them… sensible conversation. And the burger was delish too! – Dinner done, Jes headed out, I took Ms. Hallie out and had a ‘moke. When we came back in, Jacquie was on the recliner, FoxNews on the TV, coverage of all the rioting, even in NYC! Fucktards. 1000’s of idiots taken to the streets to demonstrate and riot against Trump. Well… I watched until about 21.30. Jacquie was asleep in the recliner so I got up, came into the little room, browsed the soc.med., posted my comments, got some kind replies, some nasty shit too, of course. And it must have been round-about 22.00 when I heard Jacquie head to bed. She’s got to got visit Ms. Maryrose tomorrow before going to work! Poor woman! She SO busts her all. I suppose the work keeps her alive these days. But honestly, my heart aches for her, working too hard, too long. She should be sitting back and relaxing. But then again… retirement leads to death and she’s not ready for that. Me? MORE than ready… but… – And now… 0.00 (fuck me), just caught up with yesterday and today’s entries. I’ve not heard from Vincent in a while. Considering dropping him a note to see if going there is still an option for me. No matter, really, at this point. The only thing I want to do is get to the mountains and LEAVE this shit behind. It’s time… I do know that. Not knowing one way or the other is worse than knowing either way. So, tomorrow…. We shall see…. indeed. – 11.24 The “week-end” has begun. The house is calm. Jacquie is en route to her Maryrose and then off to work. On Saturday, she’s got some “fair” or “show” to go to where she’ll be “sellin’ Jesus”. And me? Anxieties and such abound. Always the internal jolts of “RUN!” It’s exhausting. But the sun is trying to shine in spite of the cold air and there’s wood to be hauled, leaves to be raked, clothes (in beer) to be washed and a wood-stove to be stoked. Things to be done… and I’d like to lay down, close my eyes, and “leave” it all behind. – 22.02 Well, I’d promised myself to be IN bed BY 22.00 and here I am! At last! And there’s a FULL stack of fire-wood in the kitchen, more than enough for me over the week-end on the porch. The floors got swept. “Dinner”… “meal” tonight was rice with butter and after, a bit of ice cream. I just simply do not have any appetite. Although right now I’d like a “snack” something but I didn’t get any when we went to Hannaford’s last night and I didn’t bother to go to the store here today. But… the house is “settled”. It’s going to be an “easy” week-end. If there’s no rain tomorrow, I’ll rake more leaves out front. Oh, and I’m SHOWERED too! Now, if only I wasn’t HERE. But at the rate things are going now, it won’t be much longer. Tonight would be a delightful night to just get into the Subaru and head out. But, truth is: I CAN’T and WON’T do that to Hallie. She doesn’t like to be alone as it is and to leave tonight? She’d miss her meals until Sunday at 13.00! I WOULD NEVER do that to her! – And I didn’t have a “lie-down” nor a “snooze” today either. Am I tired? Nope. Just worn. – For the past 3 years or so, I’ve had a “mole-like” thing on my chest. It gets bigger and smaller from time-to-time. It’s bled once before and tonight, I squeezed a little drop of blood out of it again. I wonder what it could be. Maybe one of these days I’ll get the “gumption” to prick it open. But I have to find something to put on it if I do that. I don’t want an infection of any kind. Or… maybe I’ll just leave it there… something for my body to waste in addition to the rest of me… under some trees, on a mountain, away fr om all the bull-shit. Soon… VERY soon, I hope. – Meanwhile, the laundry is spinning. When it’s done, into the dryer and me into bed for the night. – Sometimes I think that I should be very happy and even content with things the way they are. This could be such a serene and bucolic life. But I’m NOT happy, NOT content and this life is NOT serene, NOR bucolic. It’s just a bit of misery being in a place I don’t want to be. Oh well… If I must “pay” for something I’ve done in the course of my life-time, or a previous life-time for that matter, I’m going to be owed some change after this. – 22.18 Laundry in the dryer, lights out and….
LEONARD COHEN HAS DIED. AGED, 82

Fri.11.Nov: Veterans’ Day 0.19 I just realised something: I don’t go to sleep on time because there’s still the *fear* of being rudely awakened out of a sound sleep during the night… by somebody, some thing, some noise. It’s still in my mind, my unconscious. From the Shelter… through the Gliddens… and even now, tonight. And a fear of dreams, not the frightening dreams, but the ones that hurt… like the dream of Dixie. It’s a *fear*… of sleep. – 8.32 But for some reason, my “everything” feels like it’s Saturday. I wonder why. – A chilly morning. The earth is wet. Must’ve rained. The sky is clearing. I’ve coffee’ed and ‘moked. The fire is re-started in the stove. The house is “in order”. My laundry is done. I’ll fold Jacquie’s in a bit. And then? I’m not sure. THE BOOK! Hopefully I’ll get MUCH done on that today. – But it still feels like Saturday. – A strange little note: It’s the second time, as I can recall, I looked at the license plate on the Subaru, saw green and got nauseated. How wonderful to commence a day that way. Not. – Maybe, today, a hair-cut. I have to do my nails too! – First thought of this morning: “enhanced license”. When we went to Enosburgh the other evening, Jacquie gave me an envelope of cash. “You help me so much with my Shomali work, and I couldn’t do it with-out you.” I haven’t opened it yet, but I’m willing to bet it’s money for the license. I don’t want one, really. My passport expires this month. I’d gotten it to move back to Israel. I can’t believe it was that long ago. And it’s another something of my existence that’s expired… I don’t want to start anything new. I just want it all to “go”… and then I can “go” too. – Last night, before sleep, which came nicely once the lights went out, by the way, I was on the Twtr with T.Francois. It was a delightful correspondence. I remember when we began on-line, back when the Obie farce began. And all his tribulations with the bull-shit that this admin. doled out on him, to the point where his account was suspended. And to think, we’ve been on for 8 years now! I was in the Shelter back then! WOW. 8 fucking years. It was a kind exchange last night. He thanked me for keeping up with him. He should only know how corresponding with him was such a help to me… an escape each evening, from my echoing old dorm room, on my little metal bed. Time… and strangers… Life… what a curse. – New day. Things to do. Nothing earth-moving, but “things”… to do. I’ll “do” simply because… and for no other reason. – And Leonard Cohen has died… aged 82. Another part of my existence… gone. Why do THEY get to go before me? – 22.28 Showered and on the bed at the end of a day that was… That’s it… it “was”. – And what did I “do” with it? Fukkall. Soc.med. Put a new solar light up, one of the “new” ones. And now the other two are fucked. It makes no difference, really. What-ever I do, one thing is fine the other is fucked. The “fine” for the day: I brought in enough wood to use on the week-end so that I don’t have to go for the garage or the stack in the kitchen. I didn’t rake any leaves because there are more on the tree out there and because the ones on the ground were too wet most of this rather cold day. I did get to the store for dairy: half’n’half for cereal, cream and eggnog and ice cream. And ketchup for my franks which I had for “meal”. – OH! I DID GET THE SUBARU OUT AND ROUND THE SQUARE! THE FUCKING FRONT DRIVER’S SIDE TYRE IS LOW AND THE CAR KIND OF BUMPS ABOUT AS IT ROLLS ALONG. But no squealing, as I’d anticipated. Still… the damned thing isn’t going to make it to Port Henry, I shouldn’t think. Hey, just as long as it can get me out of this shit-hole and close enough to the Adirondacks when MY moment arrives. But at least the Subaru is running. – I have to send a note to Vincent too. I’ve been putting it off too long now. If he dumps me, I’ll re-post my advert and run it from there for a bit. It would be nicer to be “there”, closer to the ADKs at the time. If not? Well… I’ll do what I must. Hopefully there’ll be another “warm spell” to come. – Haven’t sent “report” to Ms. Jacquie yet. I should drop a quick line before retiring. – Oh, and the clocks? Seems my phone (which *I* never set) is 10 minutes fast so all the clocks in the house had to be re-set today too… 10 minutes fast instead of 20-25 minutes. – Ms. Hallie was in the “dining room” when I came to bed. She’s closer to the stove tonight which is fine. But I hope she doesn’t feel as if she’s to be abandoned and she’ll be able to sleep on Jacquie’s bed, comfortable. Poor gal. So averse to being alone. She’s a love-puppy in a big girl’s fur coat. – 22.55 Messages sent to Jacquie and to Vincent. “Responsibilities” have been met. Now to see the reply (if any) from Vincent. I can’t allow myself the anxieties over it. Like medical tests and votes… time will tell all.

Sat.12.Nov: Computer time: 7.41 Phone time: 7.50 So this explains why the clocks were set incorrectly. But that was addressed and adjusted yesterday. I wonder which one is correct. (I don’t much care.) – Chilly morn. Not bitter cold (yet). Coffee and ‘moke. And the stove re-stoked and hopefully going well enough. And a feeling that something else needs to be done. Shabbat. Yes. Something else… a trip to a synagogue. Gee. I wonder if I’d even remember what to do there any more. How much more of my “life” will go? And the thoughts of the possible replies to my message to Vincent of last night. My stomach is wrenching. That’s nice. That’s “normal”. Morning sweats from the wrenching. Yep. Normal morning. Another day commences. – The book. That’s the “agenda” for the day. And plotting and planning on “running” and escaping, from all of this. Oh, to simply go to sleep and simply not wake in the sun-rise of the following morning. Nah… not me. It just keeps rolling… on and on and on and on and…. – The little solar lights. Only one working. Of course. Never let something be good. – And it just keeps rolling… on and on and on and on and…. – 9.01 Clipped my toe-nails. They’re a MESS! Never in my life-time have my feet ever looked so bad. Old age? General neglect? Both? But they’re clipped and soaked in javel. Lettuce sea. – Hallie’s up and eaten. And time to get the day… what-ever. Fuck. – 24.44 and at last I’m back in bed! Odd, how I get up in the morning and don’t want to be awake and don’t want to get out of bed. But comes the end of the day and I’ve managed to stay “busy” all through. Liz once said that she admired me because I was one of extremely few people who doesn’t mind living with themselves. Well… truth be known, I don’t. I “busy” myself so that I don’t have to “live” with myself. – And so, I’m in bed, SHOWERED, HAIR CUT, TOE-NAILS CLIPPED AND BLEACHED. Yes, I DID get that much done with this day. And I worked a little bit more on the book. Meal was at 16.30: franks again, followed by ice cream which I finished as I watched the news this evening. I opened yet another soc.med. account. The competition with Twtr. “Gab”. It’s supposed to be more open to “free speech” and geared more toward the “Conservatives”. We shall see. I didn’t spend too much time on it during the evening. But I’ve communicated with some folks… 3, I believe. – I also sent, via fesses-book, a message to Eric enquiring after Dixie. Gordo posted a photo of his Sasha. They’re all 3 in PA these days. But no mention of Dixie. I dread to think. But I did learn that it seems those two are on the outs with just about everybody in this state. There were some nasty comments posted by Gordo about not giving a shit about what they thought. I’ll imagine that this re-marriage didn’t go over as well as they’d expected. Oh well… Truth is, I doubt many folks here, in town, would appreciate it either. But… none of my business. I just hope I get some kind of reply from Eric… on Ernest Lee Hemmingslax. – Other than that, I shot off a note to Ms. Jacquie again and received no reply all week-end. Hmmm… – AND NO REPLY FROM VINCENT. – Tonight, again, I’m trying to figure, in my mind, how to get the money to get to NY… either the state for… or to The City, to meet with Vincent there… if there’s any point to it, which, at this juncture, I highly doubt. – And so, there we have the day. Nothing done, nothing much “accomplished” and I don’t much give a shit, to be honest. Tomorrow (later today this morning?) I’ll quick-mop the kitchen floor, stoke the stove and have done with it all. At least tonight I’m showered, hair cut, beard trimmed, teeth brushed and my clothes and such are clean as well. Selfish of me but… I wish I could figure how to get a “crowd fund” going, and how to get the money to the account. With enough of that, I could be on my way to… where-ever it takes. – Almost 1.00 on Sunday morning. The days pass quickly… the time, not so much.

Sun.13.Nov: 8.51 Hang down your head, Tom Dooley. Hang down your head and cry. Hang down your head, Tom Dooley. Poor boy, you’re bound to die. – Fire re-started, coffee, ‘moke, Hallie’s had breakfast and the sky is clear. I’m dressed. There. Another fucking day commences. Have to get the floors cleaned. Hovered, at the very least. And then? Another fucking day commences. Nice to stand at the back door, body jerking, and the repeated thought: I’ve GOT to get out of here! – And another fucking day commences. Let’s see how completely shitty THIS one will get as the clock ticks the minutes away. Shall we then? – 11.32 Well… I’ve come up to date with Gab, Hoovered the floors (no mopping today). The house is in order. The stove is stoked. And I’m at the kitchen table, 2nd coffee at side, and counting the moments down until… Let’s see what ind of “chores” or “trips” will come with the after-noon. I’m tired… no wonder. But… this is the Hell we journey before the peace of Heaven (death). “After this, there is only peace.” said Mama. True, that. – 22.27 Day’s done! At last! Turned out that Jes and Kerry came for dinner and the chat turned to music of the 50’s and 60’s and so, went very nicely. I didn’t eat anything and it wasn’t a forced issue. (Truth is, I have NO appetite. Can’t really explain why, but I just don’t. I’d had 2 rolls with butter at about 14.00, which was just before Jacquie came in but even now… no appetite.) When they left, Jacquie went to lie on the recliner and I washed the dishes. The kitchen is in neat order. Tah-dah. – The moon is amazingly bright tonight, the sky is perfectly clear and the temperatures are only the slightest bit “chilled”. It would be a delightful night to … go. – Speaking of which, in a chat over TV this evening, Jacquie commented that she too, wakes each morning with my attitude, as I put it “Wake up… inhale, exhale, still breathing, oh shit!” Imagine… both of us. I’ll have to keep that in mind. – Meanwhile, the stove is burning, it’s comfy in the little room tonight and the house is quiet. Another day… done. But there’s always tomorrow… for more bull-shit. It would be delightful if none came but….. – Oh… today was Tommy’s 38th birthday (so I saw on fesses-book). A “toddler”. The sweet-heart… in the most literal sense of the term.

Mon.14.Nov:
******* AT 23.45 ASI WAS FINISHING MY LAST SMOKE, STANDING OUT-SIDE THE BACK PORCH DOOR, I SAW A SHOOTING STAR!!! AND I WISHED: “GET ME TO NEW YORK BEFORE CHRISTMAS.”*******

0.33 The LIGHT of tonight’s moon is MAGNIFICENT! What a wonderful night to simply…. – 8.09 Up at 7.00. Dressed. Chat with Jacquie. Coffee. ‘moke. Discussion about passport v. EDL. She gave me the 30$ for the passport card! Now… ? Hey! My driver’s license doesn’t expire until ’18, and the EDL will cost 90$. The passport card is only 30$. Fukdatshit. I’ll get the card. I’m not about to head to Europe any time soon anyway. (I’ll apply for the card and hope I’m not breathing by the time it arrives.) Not to mention, DMV still has the Subaru on record but I have to re-register it… or not. I don’t know if my license is even valid! Fuck it all anyway I don’t give a shit. – Monday. Another fucking day. Another fucking week. Let’s see what kind of shit gets dumped on me today. – 21.38 In bed. No fire in the stove tonight. The day was warm and so the fire went and stay out. Oh well. The sleeping bag is warm… once it warms up. – It was, for the most part, “productive”. I got all the corn stalks on the “compost” pile, clipped to a particular size, not just tossed on there. I listened to my “ADK” music whilst working and Jacquie came out to clear off the table of boxes and some pumpkins that were left over. It’s a shame… they’re still in excellent condition, perfectly good for cooking, but we’ve got so much of it in the house. That “Sue Irish Rich” or what-ever, was supposed to come get them but, of course, this being Vermont, she didn’t bother. So, they went to the “compost”… as did the ones from the front of the house. Damned shame but… I got the yard cleaned up. Even pitched the “compost” neater. – As I listened to my music, we went from English to German to Hebrew and Jacquie seemed interested, more in the languages than the music itself. Interesting slant. But anyway, we worked on the yard then came in for tea and I tried to stay awake for most of the afternoon-into-evening. – Got into some shit on Twtr with some moron reporter for “7 Days” when he made a miserable remark about some car with “White People Rock” sticker AND PUBLISHED THE DAMN LICENSE PLATE ON THE FUCKING TWTR! I caught shit from some Libshit broad I don’t know AND a BAKERY in BTV! (I have to get the particulars on the place but they called me an “idiot”! Ca se peut tu? Oh well. I told Jacquie and she said she wants the name and address… so she can boycott. OK. Ok….) I’m not “concerned about it. I just find it “typical”. – We had a “left-overs dinner” this evening. Not much. A bit of rice with a bit of burger meat and some squash for me. Jacquie had salmon and some veggies that were in the fridge. Honestly, I wasn’t hungry. I know something’s “wrong” in and about me and the appetite is making that obvious. But I don’t know what it is and I don’t really give a shit. But it served the purpose. (At lunch time, Jacquie kept offering food and I finally said “Last time here… no.” She stopped. – The moon is out again tonight but the temperature is chilly. Yep… yesterday was the day to have gotten my shit together and on the road. – Oh… Jacquie told Lisa at the PO to put my name on the PO box. Says Jacquie, she wrote it in some book and then told Jacquie that I had to bring ID! Fucking whore over there. I told her “I KNEW she’d pull something. She’s so full of shit. That’s not necessary.” I sent a “question/complaint” in to USPS on-line (using BTV office). It’s going to be interesting to see what come of it. – Well, TODAY IT’S OFFICIAL…. I HAVE NO PASSPORT. SO WE’LL SEE WHAT COMES OF IT. 2-5 WEEKS FOR THE CARD TO COME. BUT I HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING SENT IN… I NEED A PHOTO OF ME FIRST. WE SHALL SEE. MEANWHILE… NO MORE TRIPS TO WHAT I USED TO THINK OF AS “HOME”. – And on that note, I’ll check one more time for word from Vincent. I sent a message on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I’ve found my original post to Crgslst which I’ll modify and re-post. It would be nice to be in NY to get to the mountains… or it might be nice to go back to the beach… just to “go”. Getting back to the beach? I could try to get a spot with those “Xmas tree folks” on the side-walks for a ride down, give them a night or two and leave. But it’s the shit I have here, left behind… more “plotting and planning” to be done. In any event, the advert will be re-posted. My gut tells me the chance of Moriah is gone. Oh well… I was considerate of others and fucked me again. Like Ev said: it’s time to do what’s good for you, in YOUR best interest. You’ve always been there for others and worked hard to help others. It’s time to work to help you now.” And so… it is.

Tue.15.Nov: 9.09 Slept until 8.00! Some kind of dream where I was in a small house, some-where, and kept hearing traffic. The place was beside an interstate maybe 2 or 3 km away. Something about a little girl being too fat. I don’t recall much of it, only that it kept “looping” on the bit about being close to some interstate. – And already, Jacquie’s chatting about going to Costco. – I told her about the cabin in NY. “Did you tell him you have a place to stay? I mean… you’re not Homeless.” Says her. – I’m tired. Should try for that photo for the new passport. I just want to crawl away… quietly… die. – Another morning. Fuck me. –
22.55 In bed, quiet house. Dead tired. A little hungry. Had last smoke in the rain. Making notes. Some soc.med. to attend. Will fill-in tomorrow… I hope. – (Wed. morning) Well, it wasn’t exactly easy and it wasn’t exactly spiffy but at about 11.30, I headed out into the crystal clear and warm day, got the hay cart and rakes and Ms. Hallie and I headed to the front of the house and… GOT THE LEAVES RAKED IN THE SUN AND WARMTH! There’s only a few left on the trees, but the bulk are gone and put into the garden. Another job well-done by… a “Flatlander” from NY. – This morning I told Jacquie about the situation in NY. “Well, at least you’re not Homeless.” she said. I’d mentioned to Vincent that she’d have somebody to shovel snow and the likes. I don’t suppose she see’s it that way. I mean, I don’t know how much she pays to have the drive done and such, but it’s the same with 5225 and the lawn mowing and snow clearing. These people… if they can get work done for free… the important issue is that THEY don’t have to do it themselves. Ah… but I’m getting smarter. As with the leaves… I do it to keep away from confrontations and having to deal with general stupidity. So be it. – Jacquie had to go to the store to get something to make all sorts of carrot cakes today. Busy in the kitchen baking. When she returned, she told that “Kim” over at the phone company enquired about 5225. Seems they’re all SO fucking concerned that the house is empty and that there might be damage when the cold comes. OH! They’re SO fucking concerned. Right. The “Rav” is sitting out front, on the main, inspection (and, no doubt, registration) is past due. Had that been MY vehicle, it would have been reported and towed by now but… Nosey bitches. So be it. Just more about this place that makes me sick to my stomach. – But the day passed… I listened to “ADK” collection on the iPod and raked and enjoyed my time to myself, un-disturbed. – Helped Jacquie with another “order”. Honestly, she’s another one who pays little attention. Yes, she’s “aged”, but it’s annoying when people simply WON’T pay attention… especially when I’m sitting right there. I say “type”… she goes all over the screen with the cursor. I say “click” and her fingers are all over the key-board. I admit: I’ve no patience any longer. But it’s as I thought during the day: I’ve put in 61 years on this fucking earth, I’m old, tired and out of patience and love. I’m fucking sick of having to hold my tongue, thoughts and opinions for the sake of the rest of the world. I’ve done it all my life, being aware of and concerned about the feelings of “others” and all the while, “others” have never had much concern about MY feelings. So? Eat shit folks. If I offend, good for me. Just sour any more… sour… and bitter too, I’ll admit. And I no longer care. – Tonight, we sat to table for a “Chinese-like” dinner. Stuff gotten at Costco at some point. It was good… enough. I’m still not hungry any more. I wonder, though briefly, what’s going on with my body… food, nourishment… repulsive. – After dinner… a bit of news for the evening. – And a note today: that Jason T. fellow o’er there in Oregon is now in residence with his parents. Almost 40 years of age and back with his parents. I can’t help but think: how fortunate these people are, at their age, to have parents to fall back on. Gee… and I “resided” in cars, under trees, and in a Homeless shelter. And they whine. Ah.. the world. But I offered, via fesses-book, to help him with a blog and such to post his wood-workings. Yep… that’s me… right there to lend a hand. JESUS! WHAT A TOTAL SHIT! When I think: I re-post THEIR wares and such but THEY won’t re-post to help ME with the book. Such is fucking life… I need to stop and get over it my-self. – Well… day’s end and I was in bed by 21.00 and still awake at 24.00. THIS TOO, the late hours, MUST STOP! (Not that I NEED to get up all that early in the morning… the later I wake, the less time I have to deal with shit. But I’d rather wake earlier than later… it’s just the way I am… stupid that way.)

Wed.16.Nov: 7.53 Over-cast but warm and wet from last night’s rains. morning “routine” almost done, save the loo. – The poison on the kitchen counter was devoured last night and I kind of lost it because there was a stick of butter left on the counter too. I’d put it into the fridge before going to bed and had to mention it this morning. Imagine: putting food-stuffs on the counter AND poison. As I said, the little creatures are only eating because there’s food there and they’re hungry… and THEN, to put poison out to kill them? I still have that “hungry Homeless” thing in my heart. Oh well… this fact too, shall pass and mean nothing. People are fucking shit, generally speaking. – I’m in no mood to “travel” today and I’ll be rather stuck in the truck with Ms. Hallie for several hours. Not to mention, the shopping trip to Costco today. Let’s see how much THAT’s going to come to. I’ll have no FS left for me for the rest of the month. Oh well… such is life. Make the what-ever of it. – Now, to await the notice of departure. – The other “bitch du matin”: We wait for somebody to let Hallie out? It’s not so much that I mind doing so. But if you’re awake already… It’s just the way it is… again. – 22.05
Ms. Jacquie got ANOTHER FACE-FULL today! There was the matter of offering something to eat for breakfast an again, not letting the first “No thank you” rest. Then, we got into the truck to head to BTV for her “staff meeting” and at the BTV exit she starts talking about returning empties. Fine. I asked “Where?” because I honestly didn’t know. No answer and then all sorts of places all over the area. THEN, we get off the interstate and I ask how to get to East Terrace, there’s traffic all round and she tells me at the last minute that “you should be over there”! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? I LOST IT! Got the traffic light, got out of the truck and had HER drive round and about. By the time we got to her “community house of retards” I’d had more than I could handle again and let it rip AGAIN about her not answering questions, selectively hearing, not paying attention to ANYTHING that ANYBODY tells her, how I’ve tried to help her but even when it comes to the computer, I say “click” and she types and I say “type” and she’s got shit all over the place. I told her that I now understand why Cecil would yell at her sometimes and said that she should go to her little house of retards because she probably communicates better with them. It left Hallie and I in the truck… for almost 4 fucking hours. Again! She told me the meeting would be over at 3pm. She didn’t get back to the truck until almost 15.45! NO FUCING RESPECT! Meanwhile, I was light-headed, not well, cramped in the truck, back bothering me, legs cramping… at one point I decided to get Hallie some water? Only a little in a bottle so… I FUCKING WALKED over to the little “mall” where, thankfully, I got 2 lights for the Subaru, yellow card stock for the “inspection” and a bag of treats for Hallie and a bottle of water for her too.. and WALKED back! Come to find out, it was a mile of walking and it took QUITE a toll not only on my legs and feet but my back and the rest of my body as well. Painful as all shit. A few times I didn’t think I was going to make it. Aside from that, I spent most of the time in the truck talking aloud and trying to figure out how to get away from all of this shit! NY? Louisiana? The walk showed me just how far I CAN’T WALK any more. So THAT made the day all the worse. Anyway, by the time she got back to the truck, I’d decided that I won’t be speaking much any more. As I told her, she aggravates others to the point where we lose our temper and THEN, in pure “Catholic” fashion, plays the “martyr”, that WE’re the nasty ones! Nah… fuck that shit. No more fucking game-playing. Speak to me, I’ll answer briefly. No more questions, no more opinions, no more comments. Period. *I* don’t like yelling at people and I CERTAINLY DO NOT LIKE BEING AGGRAVATED TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN’T HOLD ANYTHING ANY LONGER! Insulted? Hurt? Fuck you!
Meanwhile, I re-posted my advert for “Gentleman Grounds-keeper on Crgslst today… let’s see how far THAT goes. I need to find the funds to jump this fucking shit-hole… PRONTO! MUY PRONTO. – And so too, after the bull-shit at the Tard-house, we were off and rolling to Winooski to get gas for the truck and to return the empties at the “liquor barn” thing, shit there. 6$ and change… she gave it to me! Said that most of the empties were mine. Well, true that, but… I don’t want the fucking 6$! BUT… they give a “cheque” of sorts that has to be cashed at the store there so… in we went and she bought Saranac beer. WHAT-ever. And we were off to Costco where, first thing in the door, after I’d TOLD her this morning that I can use a photo for the new passport, that I have on the computer, she strolls over to the “photo” desk and proceeds to enquire about passport photos! AND when I said that I was fine with what I have? The broad behind the fucking counter asks “Are you camera shy?” NEITHER of them listened! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALL FUCKING JESUS MIGHTY! FUCKING RETARDS IN THESE PARTS! 5$ for some fucking photos? And me, dressed like total shit because I no longer give a fuck about how I look? Well… we went on to stroll the aisles. She kept asking “Do you like…?” and “Will you eat…? and repeatedly I reminded her that I have NO APPETITE of late and NO, probably not, I WON’T eat…. Well… 95$ later and we were back on the road and back to the house where NONE of the fucking solar lights was working!!! – Ravioli for dinner. She had some of her fresh carrot cake, I took Ms. Hallie out for pinkles and when, at about 19.45, I came into the room to get ready for bed… she woke on the recliner, got ready for bed and now, at 22.26, the house is settled, the day is fucking DONE, and I’m off to check to see if there’s any response/reply to the NY advert. – *** I AM FUCKING BLOODY-FUCKING FUCKED TO THE END OF MY FUCKING WITS!!!!! *** REALLY TIME to plot and plan the mountains. If the fucking Subaru runs long enough, at least at night I’ll have head-lights and a yellow inspection in the window. FUUUUUUuuuuuuUUUUK!

Thu.17.Nov:8.59 JUST waking, coffee, ‘moke. And I don’t give a shit. You know what I’d like, very much? To have NEVER existed at all. – Over-cast, misty, cool but not cold. And… OH! To not be breathing… to have never taken a breath at all. I gotta get out of this place, if it’s the last thing I ever do. – Another fucking day commences. – 13.56 NO energy. The house is… well… Hallie and I alone. And all I want, really want to do is sleep!!! And my stomach’s sour… “sour”. The kitchen floor is swept. I actually need to get some heat in here too. Chilly. Damp. Stove needs to be cleaned out. But… And all I keep thinking about, the only major thought that stays in my mind is: I need to get the fuck out of and away from here and I don’t know how. This place makes me sick.. physically, mentally, emotionally, to the core of my being… sick. –
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
17.43 Others, people don’t realise, unless they experience it themselves. the weight of darkness, when you literally HATE even the very air you breathe, the water you drink.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Fri.18.Nov: 2.21 and JUST putting out my light! SHIT! – 8.25 Up. ‘moke. Coffee. Hallie’s breakfast. NOT enough sleep! But… Why I’m awake is anybody’s guess. I could stay in bed. I could go back to sleep. So why am I awake? I don’t know. And I’ve GOT to work on the passport photo this morning. My head’s not “here”. I wish I wasn’t. Oh well… Awake. May as well work with what I’ve got. Oh, and I see that I need to work on a “yellow” inspection today too. Need air in the tyre. Meanwhile, waiting to see if the stove will re-start. It probably won’t. It’s not supposed to be cold today or tomorrow. The COLD is coming on Sunday night… and after that… no more “warm”. Winter will have arrived. And this morning, I DREAD the 27th! A “function”… “holiday” dinner. I should have asked, on the star, to be out of here before “Thanksgiving”. – Yesterday was rather a bust. A nap, from about 15-16.00 and nibbling some food. Swept the kitchen floor. And nothing else, really. Today, I’ve a LIST of things that must be done… like packing… to leave and… to LEAVE. – 24.08 There’s a fire in the stove, and the air in the house is warm and dry. Out-side, the night air is cool and damp. Tomorrow will be the last of the warm days. Cold and bitter-cold to come. I’m showered… thoroughly, teeth brushed with baking soda and pulled with the coconut oil, and I’m in clean sweats tonight, and will lay my head on clean pillow cases. – I noticed, as I got ready to shower, little blood spots on my t-shirt from the “mole” on my chest. It’s been bleeding again, a little. As I showered, a bit of outer skin came off… soft, almost more like mucous than skin. I put some of Vanzini’s old anti=fungal on it and a bandage over. There’s nothing more to do about it. I don’t know what it is, though I have my suspicions. But that’s that. – Hallie is in Jacquie’s room. I washed her blankie for the divan, tonight. Clean blankie. – The day? A fuck. I didn’t get a nap in at all and can’t understand why I’m awake even now. But the fuck is/was that I worked on the “passport” photo for most of the day and it prints disgustingly pixelated. I can’t imagine why. I tried with a photo print program and even put “Gimp” on Jacquie’s lap-top (which I suppose I’ll have to remove because I KNOW she’ll never use it). But all to no avail. So? Either I forget about getting to Québec again or… I’ll have to figure how to get to some-where for a photo. I look like complete Hell and shit these days. But I suppose that’s fine. Why not? I FEEL like Hell and shit these days. – But I DID get a print of my meal ticket from the Shelter. It’s larger than the original size, but I have it at bed-side, as a reminder that I have a room, a bed, my clothes (which I re-packed today too), a loo, a shower and a “house” in which to reside. AND… for the first time in 4 years, I’m not freezing most of the time and through the night. It’s a reminder… of where I’ve come from, what I’ve been through. Not that I’d ever forget but… – “Meal” this evening was the left-over “franks in a blanket” that Jacquie had made yesterday, with crisps I’d gotten at the store… and vanilla ice cream with eggnog after. I’ve eaten today. Why? Simply because I need to keep going here. – I’m “bummed” about the photo though. Oh well… perhaps I’ll try again during the day tomorrow. – Tonight, watched a program on Donald Trump and it brought some tears. How I disliked him so over the years only to learn what a marvellous man he truly is. And to think: He’ll be the President of this country in a couple of months. (I’d like not to be “around”… not breathing, when he takes the office, but it’s a delight to know that he’ll change things, represent a better nation, a nation of dignity… perhaps the country that Opa was so attracted to… and yet, Oma never truly liked.) I sat, for a while, with Hallie, on the “tsofa” as she laid there. Precious little thing… And as I type this, I have Dixie, on the computer, staring on the little chair, with the doily behind her: “Here is rest for the weary”. My Love. How my heart collapses on itself. May she be Loved and Cherished as she so deserves. To have been abandoned for two weeks, alone in an apartment, then put into a shelter… only to be brought to such a loving home… that turned so hateful. Precious little life. – My heart’s very heavy tonight. I’m reaching the point where I just don’t give a shit where I take my last breath anymore. I want, so much, to be back in NY, in the Adirondacks, as has been my dream for most of my life. But lately, just “going”, getting away from all of this is even more important. My heart is heavy… and my soul is actually necrotic. – And so, thus ends yet another day. It’ll be interesting to see how I feel in the morning when I wake… considering I’m still running on only about 5 hours sleep. We shall see when it happens. – Had I fixed the head-lights on the Subaru today, and were it not for leaving Hallie with-out food and water… tonight would be… departure… for certain.

Sat.19.Nov: 9.47 if you can imagine this. It was 2.20 this morning when I last looked at the clock. So I got most of a night’s sleep. Still… – The sky is clear and the earth is wet and it’s cool but not cold. Fire in the stove. Coffee and ‘moke and Hallie’s breakfast, done. My clothes are in the wash. And yet, another day begins. It should be a delightful day… but here I am, still “here”. Oh well. We’ll do with this day, what we can, until this day too, is past. -23.50 So much fro being in bed and asleep by what-ever. But I did stay up to watch “Guttfeld” from 22-23.00 so? But I’m ON bed… and showered, teeth brushed and I’ve shaved. So that’s OK I suppose. – The day? OK… so it got off to a tough start when I realised that the lights on the car are probably fine… it was a fucking short in the wiring! When I first discovered that, I was depressed beyond beyond. But then, after a few moments of being pissed and realising that tomorrow is going to be too fucking cold to be fucking with wiring, I went back at it, with the electric tape and… NEW LIGHTS THAT WORK! NOW… to hope that the rest of the car holds up and out long enough! I seriously doubt THAT’S going to happen, but… AND THEN, I came into the house and got busy on… NEW INSPECTION CARD! Not the greatest but… YELLOW! Not “perfect, but…. YELLOW! (I’ll have to do a “reg” sticker too now, but hey! I actually DID something with this day! – Fucked it though. It was a delightful day, sunny and WARM… and I stuck my arse in the house for too much of it. Oh well… Fuck me by me because of me… at lest the fuck came from ME. – Speaking of which… libido is SO DOWN! Depression is kicking hard! – Speaking of which… those tablets I salvaged from Lyle’s stash? Anti-depressants! 95 of them! From what I read, they’re no good for my “travel” plans but hey… maybe… if libido is gone anyway, I may as well try to enjoy something? If shit gets deeper, I’ll give them a try. Hopefully they’re still OK and working? – So, the stove is stoked and the fire is going and the temperatures out-side are dropping like mad. “Meal” was the 2 left-over “franks in a blanket” and some ice cream. I finished that off and the one eggnog… both containers into the stove. Gone. Crisps for “snack” with Hallie this evening. And speaking of whom… she’s either on the “tsofa” or on Jacquie’s bed. – A note about the “evening”… The fucking banging began at about 16.30 this evening and went, almost non-stop until just after 21.30!!!! WHAT the actual FUCK?I didn’t bother to mention it to Madame when I sent “report” because I’m fucking fed-up with her making excuses and accepting it as “normal”. It’s NOT “normal” but it’s NOT my business nor my house. It got to me SO heavily tonight. I MUST get the fuck out of here… SOON. I just wish I could thing of how to make a buck or so to make the break. Something to ponder… deeply. Maybe “somebody” will be kind enough to come and drop the hints in some dreams? (I’m not counting on it.) – That said, it’s just one minute past midnight and tomorrow is “CLEAN THE PLACE UP”. The “pulling” is just about done. Amazing… I scrubbed my teeth with baking soda again tonight and the pulling is getting more shit out of my teeth! I’m glad I’m doing this now. – Well… perhaps a last ‘moke… alone and HOPEFULLY a decent night’s sleep! Shit! It’s going to another 2.00 lights out! And tomorrow, I can’t afford to “sleep-in”. I’ll never learn… nor find peace… of ANY kind.

Sun.20.Nov. 8.28 Coffee. ‘moke. Fire in the stove. Drizzling out-side. Just waiting for the body to rev and 9.00 when the Hoover comes out and the “Sunday morning” commences with “cleaning”. Hey, it’s the least I can do, I suppose, for the shelter from the elements. Ms. Hallie is out, barking at something or somebody. And my head is in a darker place than the clouds in the sky make the world. “Normal” morning Here I am. Breathing. What a fuck. – But I snoozed after the alarms and still woke at about 8.00 so? So… – 15.34 Waiting for tea… as the snow falls out-side and accumulates in the darkening sky. Just up from an hour’s nap that didn’t do much in the way of refreshing. I could go right back to sleep. The banging up-stairs since round about noon doesn’t make matters any better, to be sure. t actually drains me. It’s as I’ve always said: Traffic will make noise, as will other things, but people do NOT NEED to make noise. And in a house, especially when you’re above somebody else, is NEVER necessary. This is insanity. And feeling so “TRAPPED”, as I do these days, is pulling every bit of my energy and ambition. Let’s not mention that these past days are busted already and there’s been no work on the book either. I just don’t have the mind nor the body. Well, I’ve just had 2 “grinder” rolls with butter. I was a little hungry when I started to eat them… but the last half made me want to vomit. “These are the days… we’ll remember.” – 24.22 and I’m about to be SO SORRY when I have to wake at 5.45 but I’ve had a wonderful chat with one of the admins of “Gab” and so, it was a delight to be sure. – Jacquie came back at about 18.00 from BTV. I didn’t know that for the past 5 years she’s been going for check-ups R/T her cancer! It was only 6 months ago that her “count” finally reached zero! The poor woman! To have to go through that shit! Puts a whole new slant on things in my mind and heart. Thyroid. Her Mum died of it. Jesus! So we sat, I had a beer, she had a Khaulah (?) and milk and we chatted about the news and day’s events. By about 21.30 we were off to bed… and me, on the soc.med. and that was my demise. – In other news… I just came in from last ‘moke and …
* * * * * S N O W * * * * *
MUCH OF IT! And it’s still coming! And its due to continue through the day! Jacquie’s got to fetch a woman in Enosburgh tomorrow (today) and take her into BTV! I told her that I couldn’t print my passport picture and she suggested I go with them to Costco to get one taken. “You can do the driving.” says she. Well… we shall see how the roads and such are. The woman has to go for cancer tx. Hmmm…. Me, driving her truck, in the snow? We shall see. – For now, time to nap… and that’s all I’ll get. I took one for about an hour today. Hopefully it’ll help. I’ll look like shit for the photo but… I won’t have to put up with it for long. Nice thing about not planning on being around much longer. – I still have to figure how to get to The City too. It would be a delight if I could pull it off for the week-end… but that would be a delight and I know that “delights” aren’t in my life. So? So… – Ah… since it’s officially the 21st…

Mon.21.Nov: Would have been 62 years… and they’re both dead. – 6.24 Fire started. Coffee. ‘moke. ANd a little bit of shovelling of the stairs. * * * * * S N O W * * * * * A healthy 15cm at the very least and still coming. Jacquie’s in the shower and I’m trying to decide whether or not to accompany. * * * * * WINTER * * * * * has arrived… begun… commenced. I’d say something like “God help me.” but… there is NO help.,, any more. – 13.39 Left at about 8.00 and are just now returning. I drove from “Jeanie’s”, Enosburgh, to BTV, UVM Med. Hallie barked in my ear and got the thrashing of a life-time. Honestly, it set me off! I can’t take the loud noise in the ear like that. Seriously. I wanted to break her neck! Jacquie just kept telling her to stop barking and I kept beating on her. But it made no difference to either of them. Consequences? I don’t give a fuck any more. I just *CAN’T* give a fuck any more. Then to Costco which was closed at 9.30 so Jacquie wanted to go to Vermont Bagel where we had coffee until 10.00 and I had to repeat that no, I don’t like bagels and no, I’m not hungry. Then to Costco for the fucking-photos. 2 shitty snaps for 5.00$ and change. Then back to UVM Med. to get Jeannie. Drop her off and to Hannaford’s where I got nothing but Jacquie got lard and other things. Drop groceries with her Lis and back to the house to the SNOW! In BTV it wasn’t so bad but at Exit 17… Well, it’s like a different world. There’s MUCH snow up here and it’s still falling. Me? I shovelled the walk again. I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off this Winter. My right leg and foot being “dead”. But… I shall do what MUST be do’ed, no doubt. AND… as I had a tap-coffee, Jacquie asked if I wanted pasta, if i wanted this and that and “Are you sure?” I simply ignored it. I’m not going to argue, debate or other-wise discuss. And now, on the bed, rather very quite tired. I’ll check the weather to see when the snow will stop, a bit of soc.med. and MAYBE TRY to get a nap in. Fuck. I deserve that much… a fucking nap. The application for the passport has to be printed and completed… I’m in no hurry. It’ll take 2-5 weeks anyway. Fuck… with any luck and grace… it won’t be necessary any fucking way. I should be so fucking lucky and blessed. Fuck. – 21.06 WELL! At about 14.45 I came into the little room to take a “nap”… and woke at 19.00 exactly! Got up, took Hallie out for a ‘moke and to play in the SNOW. She was SO HAPPY to see me when I came out of the room. She holds no grudges, now I need to learn to let go of the regrets (along with a LOT of BITTERNESS that’s haunting me even now as I type). So, out we went for a ‘moke. Jacquie was on the recliner, having a wine and when I came back in with Hallie she started on the eating thing again. Honestly! I DO NOT HAVE AN APPETITE AND I DON’T WANT TO EAT! But… she claims she hadn’t eaten anything yet either. OK. SO maybe she doesn’t want to eat alone, I think I can some-what understand that. But STOP FORCING the food issue. “You haven’t eaten all day. How about I cook a little hamburger?” So I told her to do so… for her. Nope. “I cooked more squash.” I ignored that. “How about a beer?” “No thanks. I’m going back to bed.” I was honestly terribly tired and truly, that’s all I wanted to do. “Have something to eat. It’ll help you sleep better.” she said, to which I replied, to Hallie “I’m going seepie-nigh-night now.” and as I said that, the phone rang! YAY! By 19.14 I was back in the bed… jammies on this time. And that’s where I’ve been ever since, eyes closed, just lost in the darkness behind closed eyes. It’s chilly in this room. Doesn’t that figure though? 5 years of being cold through the Winter. Jacquie had asked “Is it warm enough in that room?” Well, wrapped in the sleeping bag, I’m warm enough… my head and face are cold, but the rest of me is plenty warm enough. But even as I sit here, in the dark, waiting for Ms, Jacquie to give up the day and go to bed!!!! It’s getting cold enough to be slightly uncomfortable. Yep… another Winter of being cold. – As I’ve laid here, in the comfort of the darkness behind my closed eyes, I’ve been thinking about things-gone, the “help” that others are offered and given, the donations that go to “religious” groups…. especially from Jacquie who thinks nothing of tossing 25$ at a clip to so many of them. I think of how, over the years, people have known that I’ve needed help and have never even offered, and, except for the crowd-funder for the car, when-ever I’ve asked… I’ve gotten nothing. And yes, I AM bitter… right to my very core. But there’s nothing that can be done about it, nothing I intend to do about it, and certainly nothing I’ll do to change it… And in that darkness that I’ve been wandering about it, how to get to the mountains, how to get away from here, how to get up the mountains, what to do with the boxes of shit that I have here, how to make a little “shelter” in the snow… and how to get the actual fuck out of this existence… HOW? I can’t walk any more… it was miserable trying at Costco and Hannaford’s today. My right leg won’t co-operate any more. I’ve always been the one to tell people that as long as my legs will carry me, I’m perfectly alright. Well… my legs are refusing now… and I’m NOT alright any longer. I’m angry, depressed and fucking bitter. HOW to get the fuck out of this existence. – 21.25 I heard Jacquie fucking with the wood-stove and then going to the loo. Hopefully she’s wrapped… nope… more fucking with the wood-stove. I’d like to get out for a smoke but I don’t dare whilst she’s still awake. I do know, in my soul, that she means well, but I’m disgusted with having to repeatedly repeat myself. Even this morning at the bagel place I had to say it thrice “NO. I don’t LIKE bagels. Never did.” The reply? “How about a half a bagel?” So now, if I so much as even let anybody know that I’m awake…. it’s going to be back at the “I’ll cook a something-or-another, you have to eat, you haven’t eaten all day….” I mean, she even suggested that the driving today was too much and thanked me for it adding “You didn’t have to do all that driving.” Yep… Margot: I don’t have to thank you… I didn’t ask you too… or… Thank you but… It’s amazing ow I manage to find myself in the company of such people. Oh well… – Truth here: I’m a little “peckish” but… there’s no way in Hell I’ll start looking for something to eat now. First of all, going near the kitchen isn’t in my best interest until I can be certain that Ms.J. is asleep. Secondly, there’s nothing in there that I want to eat anyway, really. Honestly? Even when I’m hungry… eating makes me ill… like the rolls with butter yesterday… half into the second one and I wanted to puke. – OH! That reminds me… chiabatta rolls! She bought some at Hannaford’s today! WHY? When I say I don’t want her to buy… it’s bananas at Costco and rolls at Hannaford’s and then the “boohoo” because I don’t eat them. – One more item as I’m here: She DID go out to the garden, in all the snow, and she DID dig up the carrots and turnips! As I napped, I’m guessing, because there’s a plastic tote in the kitchen, with the veggies in there. Oh well… as awful as it might sound… it gave her something to do with HER property. – PS: Somebody came and plowed the back drive too. That’s kind. I wonder how much they charge her for driving through. Fuckers in this town. (To think of all the shovelling I’ve done here in the past 3 years. I never minded at Church Street… but then again, I never REALLY minded much back then. Those days are… gone… and how I wish I were too.) – Soc.med. whilst I wait for the house to get to sleep… It’s gone quiet… PLEASE! I want a smoke! – OH! Closing comment… 62 years ago, 2 “charming lovers” (I’m sure) fucked their little brains out in Washington DC… on their “Honeymoon”… and for the next 61 years, I’ve been getting fucked. Mama? You know I love you… but….. –

Tue.22.Nov: 8.54 and only just in from morning coffee and ‘moke and…. * * * * * S N O W * * * * *. It’s STILL coming down. – Last night, I had 3 dreams One of them was in an abandoned or “under construction” building, creepy. The 2nd was actually funny, and the 3rd was one of those that was probably to keep me from wetting the bed… seductive and such. I don’t recall much of any of them, only that I partially woke from the funny one, thought I should note it and dozed back to sleep – I hit the soc.med. for a bit after the 21.25 notes for yesterday and by about mid-night, I was back to sleep and… only woke at about 8.30 or so. Truth? I could go right back to sleep. Still tired. But thankfully, when I saw Jacquie in the kitchen, no mention of food. I’m STILL not in the mood to eat. No appetite and still tired. Depression? You bet. – And now, soon, when-ever, I have to go to the box for “Winter Wear”… and get a “Winter” jacket. I wasn’t supposed to have to do that… here. Yeah… depression. – Oh… and it was quite chilly in the room when I woke. 5th year… of cold. – (It’s 1.15 on Wednesday! But I’m now on Gab: JK & 8539266 & Woodhauler! And posted adverts for “Journal Days” with 50% off Twitter and Gab. Jes came by this evening, we had a bite to eat… I literally had a “bite” with a burger… I’m hungry but again, the taste of “food” makes me ill. Jacquie and he went to some “church function” and I washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, stoked the stove to warm the bricks in the room. And it’s still brisk out and I should be asleep. It was an OK day. I spent a lot of it in the room, trying to get shit together. Oh well… Oh well… Oh well…. Fuck it.)

Wed.23.Nov: 8.36 the morning routine is done. The snow is on the ground all around. Mama’s in her night-coat in the kitchen on the phone And yet, another day in Shit-hole USA commences. My back is “stiff” and my bowels are bothering me. But… all’s the same in Shit-hole. How charming. – Much to get done this morning. Soc.med. and book promo. Crgslst and pssprt. Blog and such. Things… to do. –

1.42 busy day with book adverts and re-posting on Crgslst. nd my back is fucked! Probably because Jacquie wanted her fucking sand-bags in the truck. 3 of the 4 are broken. 2 got put into the truck which is full of her “Jesus Shit”. But I did it… she lifted one end of the bag and I, the other, but still… my back “went”. FUCK FUCK THIS SHIT! – Right now I NEED to nap. Jacquie leaves at 8.00 tomorrow for work.

Thu.24Nov: 8.00 Thanksfuckingiving. And Jacquie’s just pulled away, off to work. An early start to the “week-end”, preceding Sunday… and a house full of holiday revellers. And if Jes and Kerry come, they’ll bring 2 young guests with. How charming. – Coffee and such, I’ve had. And my stomach is sour, my back is stiff. And there’s shit to be done. Another day. Over-cast and chilly but just warm enough to be damp. Yep… another day. I could go back to sleep, as I’d like to do. But… I’m awake. And there’s yesterday’s entry to be done. What-ever. No rush. Thankfully. (Oh how cute: “thankfully” on Thanksfuckingiving. – 20.37 Well! It’s been quite the day! At about 10.30 I went to the store for smokes… Bill was there alone… on the phone, running about the place, all the local “guys” were hanging about. Merry band of red-necks, to be sure. It took a while but I got a pack. The price has gone up by 10 cents. Of course. To feed the government of a state I truly hate. Oh… it’s done. Nothing I can do about it. – Came back to the house and brought more wood into the kitchen. Some for me for the week-end and stacked for Sunday. There was ONE piece of wood left from the last stack. I suppose that’s OK. But I can’t help but think that there’s oil to heat too and it’s considerably cheaper these days than when I had to cover at 19 Church. But that’s none of my business, I suppose. – And then? THEN? A NAP! My back’s been bothering me all day, the hauling wood didn’t make it any better. The day was chilled and damp and tossing the wood to the porch window, then bringing it in and stacking didn’t make things any better. So I got a bowl of yoghurt and sat on the recliner and … napped, for about an hour. After the nap? Hoovered the floors. Cleaned the area round the stove and Hoovered the floors. I feel better this way. I don’t like being in a filthy house and since I’m here alone… It’s like being in the Shelter: As Rick put it “I wasn’t raised in filth. There’s no reason I should have to live in it now.” – And then? Came the passport documents. I completed the application on-line on Jacquie’s lap-top and printed it. Strolled to the PO to get a large envelope and came back. Assembled all the papers and went to get the money for the fee and that’s where the day took a turn. I CAN’T FIND THE MONEY FOR THE PASSPORT! I DON’T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT I DID WITH IT! IT’S GONE! I’ve got only about 28$ to my name right now. I should have the 30 too! But it’s gone. When I sent the “report” to Jacquie this evening, I mentioned that it might be in the truck. I doubt it, but… So now I sit here telling myself: If it’s meant to be, it will be. If not? I’m not worse off now than I would be other-wise. No sense in getting all upset over it. – There was a call during the day. “Harold”. He and his won’t be here on Sunday which throws the balance of people toward Libtards. I’m NOT looking forward to this “do” and I’m actually dreading it. More shit. More suffering. More Hell. More of my “existence”. – I managed to throw some old left-overs together for “meal”. Squash, mashed potato, a little piece of steak. I was hungry but, as usual, I just don’t want to eat. It was enough to kill an appetite. That’s all that matters. – Meanwhile, there have been 6 replies to the Grounds-keeper advert. 4 were for rentals of 450$/month, 1 was another rental and another was an offer to pay 400$/wk to post adverts on “CL”. These shits don’t read! And if they do, they don’t pay much attention. – And so the day comes to a close and the night comes in. The house is chilly. The boiler is running, but probably for up-stairs only. I haven’t heard the heat come up all day. She must have turned it down when she left. Never mind. If I have to burn through more wood than usual, so be it. She’s already said that the wood out back will probably be gone in December. That’s going to leave only what’s in the garage and that’s just a bit over a cord… January. But one thing’s certain: I will NOT sit in here and be cold! – At about 20.30, I took a naproxyn with a beer. I’m hoping it’ll “loosen” my back a bit. I was considering taking a shower… I’m tired and a bit upset at the moment. We shall see. But I did finally get to file my finger nails. they were becoming almost painful. – OH! And I ran the Subaru this morning whilst I was at the store. That’s good… it started and ran. – Thanksfuckingiving. Closed.

Fri.25.Nov: Viv’s b’day… for all that means any more. – 9.10 Over-cast and damp. Snow still on the ground. The fire is trying to re-start in the stove and Hallie’s having breakfast. I heard the alarm and went back to sleep until about 8.40. And my back is rather “out” this morning. All’s the same. Did I even ponder the possibility of change? Never worry about a thing… Things always get “different”. – Time to dress… Book Day. – Did I mention last night, that I got a message on fesses-book, from Eric? Well, I did. Seems he too is out of communication with the “Benders”. But, says he, Dixie is in PA with them. I’m relieved that she’s with a “people” (lose use of the term) she knows and she’s NOT in a shelter. And yet, she’s still with that screeching banshee. I suppose I should be thankful that she’s not dumped. And she’s with that other one… Sasha. Hopefully they’re getting along better. If she is with them, she’s not in a kennel (I hope), and, I have to say that, in spite of all the selfishness and bull-shit of Bob, I DO believe, some-where in my heart, that he has affection for her. I can only hope, from the core of my heart and soul, that she’s being given the love and affection and attention and care that she do deserves. It’s all I can do… hope. – I curse each breath I take, and have taken over these years. A most delightful way to begin another day. – 22.56 in bed, not showered and exhausted! GOOD NEWS TODAY! I WROTE, FINISHED AND PUBLISHED A SHORT STORY! Based on how Jacquie goes through the fire-wood, I put a bit of humour into it and wrote a 9-page short story! “Madelaine deBois” is on the Author’s Ramblings blog… offered to Gab for free. Limited time, of course, because I can pull it from the page and put it up for sale when I want to. But I’ve asked for reviews. Let’s see how that turns out. But I did the front and back “covers” and the whole shebangue! – Other than that? Nothing to say. Sent the 20.00 report to Jacquie. The day was silent. Not even a phone call. So I got the writing done! Tomorrow, I’ll slowing get to the table set-up for Sunday and the rest of that shit. AND I’ll get more done on the “Homeless” VT book too! – Poor Hallie didn’t get much time in today though. And this evening, when I went out for a smoke, alone, from the “tsofa” she saw me walk past the kitchen door on the porch. When I came back by, she was laying on the kitchen floor, AT the door. I came in through the room and went to her, got down on the floor beside her and as I talked, she wagged her tail. It’s incredible, how she does NOT want to be left alone! I suppose some part of me understands. The poor thing. -Well the stove is stoked well enough. I’ll have to clean it out eventually, I’m sure. But I notice that because I let the embers burn and I don’t throw shit into the stove, there’s very little chunks in there… I let it burn to mostly ash. Charming. Well… we’ve vented all that via “Madelaine deBois”. – My right eye is a bit painful, a throbbing sort of pain. I should get to sleep. Hopefully I’ll wake on time tomorrow and get a LOT done… with writing.

Sat.26.Nov: 6.55 How nice to use the 6 for the hour. And on a day when I could sleep the whole thing away. But, it’s nice to be awake and moving already. Normal. – It was about 6.30 when I woke, on my own, ready to go. The fire is going in the stove, and coffee, ‘moke are done too. I’m pretty good at this “morning” stuff. Gone all sorts of “country”, I have. Who’d’ve ever guessed it. And with a bum back too! But I’m the one who knows and nobody else ever notices. Oh well.. that’s the way it is. – Plans? Writing. A few moments here, on the bed, catching-up with what I may have missed over-night and then? There’s laundry to be done and prep for tomorrow and WRITING. I’m on the roll. – If only I could have my back and legs back. That would be lovely. Lovely. Guaranteed it’s not happening. – Last night I thought: going back to The City, how will I ever get around? I can’t walk quickly any more. And there’s a lot of walking there. Oh, me? I’ll manage. I always have “managed”. Still… it’ll be slower. I’ll be one of those people I couldn’t stand: the “slow” ones… the OLD, slow ones. Imagine that. My Hell… right here. More Hell… As Mum used to say: After this there’s only Heaven. One day… one of these days. – It’s “warm” this morning. The snow is melting and it looks like shit out there in the yard. And I note this morning: Jacquie wants the stove ash dumped on the drive where the water gathers and freezes. There’s some there already. But the trouble is, it turns to dust, which will turn to muck. Oh well… she wants it there? There is where it will go. I’ll not argue the matter. – Another thought from last night: The Sanshits. They’re supposed to be out of that house at month’s end. If not, she’ll have to go to court to evict. It’ll take a few months if that happens. But next month is Christmas for those people. Imagine? Being tossed on the holidays. Not, mind, that they didn’t actually, in a way, sort of deserve it. I mean, to be so threatening and rude. Still… not good for “Karma”. Although, that’s not for me to say. Anyway, it’s the “my turn come round”. If the matter arises, my only one-time response: You’ll have to go to court. If asked to become involved? Nope. Good luck to you. You don’t want to get involved with something petty in my life? I get to return the kindness. Amen. – On with the day. – 18.54 PHC is on and I’m almost not in the mood. I’d like, very much, to go to bed, to sleep, get up in the morning, do the floor, set the tables in the kitchen and get the fuck out of here. But… – Today? I did manage to get about 1500 more words into the book. I’ve met PJ and we’ve left the airport. Now… starts the miserable part of trying to put 5 years of bull-shit into something that’s not miserable. There’s “work” to be done here. It’ll wait. – Took the table from the garage and put it into the “white room”, moved the shit on that table in there to the other one and pulled the table from that room to the hall. It won’t fucking close so it’s a pain in the arse to manipulate. I see back troubles tomorrow. If so… either go to bed or to the car. We shall see what’s to come. I dread it all. Will have to try and clean the stove as well. Why? WHY? Why the fuck do I give a shit. Oh well… – Went to the store and replaced the ice cream and the heavy cream and the eggnog. They didn’t have any more eggnog though. Fuckers. And Patty tells me that the Stnashits are packed. What-ever that means. Maybe they WILL be gone first of next month. In any case, I won’t be getting involved again. As for 5225, nobody in town seems to know other than Bobo contacted Bill (Mayo) and asked if he wanted t buy the place Bill said no. So there we have it. That’s the news. Watch, if I mention these items to Ms. Jacquie and tell her “this is all I know” there’ll be 20.000 questions more. Fuck. Oh so it is round here. People… the shit-hole town in the shit-hole state. DUMB! WOW! But it was strange to be in the store talking with Patty… at night… in the quiet there. I truly don’t like being here and it’s only getting worse in my mind and core. – On that… I’m sitting at the kitchen table and will pop over to PHC for a while. We’ll see what comes next. – Tonight is laundry and my shower. YAY! Who the fuck gives a shit, really? I know I stink. I can smell me. But fact is: I don’t give a shit. But tomorrow I should be clean… WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. – 23.55 SHOWERED. SHAVED. TEETH BRUSHED AND PULLED. AND IN BED AT LAST! The clothes are in the dryer and there’s another application of Tea Tree oil on the mole. The wood-stove is generating the most wonderful heat that can be felt all the way into the living-room! I’m GOOD at this! Shame that tomorrow it’ll have to be re-started. But… I don’t particularly give a shit. No word of when Ms. Jacquie will be back but I hope to have the place in order when she gets here. I DREAD tomorrow evening! DREAD it! Libs from wall to wall. Oh well… it had to happen, sooner or later. And I do have the car to escape to, should need arise. “I’m going for a ‘moke.” and lock me in there… to nap or something, some-how. – Did I mention? I went to the store to replace the eggnog and cream and ice cream and Patty said Square Rd Stanshits are packed. Did I mention that she tells me that Bobo rang Bill (Mayo) the store owner asking him to buy 5225. Bill told Bobo “I don’t have that kind of money.” As if anybody in town would want that house. It’s got a HORRIBLE reputation. Patty was taken by the fact that she knew of all the “antique” furnishings and I told her that they’d all been sold off. Well… so much for the town. Concern here is that the place will freeze over Winter and be damaged or destroyed. Poor Daisy. That was her pride and joy… not to mention all the work I used to put into it. Oh well… served the town right. – Other-wise and any-ways, as it were… I’m hoping to be able to put head to pillow and pass out and wake, early, refreshed. I doubt all that will happen but… what the fuck? – A little soc.med. and lights out. – Poor Ms. Hallie looks a touch forlorn. I’ve been a horrible companion these past weeks, what, with the back trouble, the leg and feet trouble and all the rest. But I make sure to give her a kiss nigh-night every night that we’re here. – Speaking of legs and the likes: the “drop” is now in BOTH feet. From the ball of the foot to the base of the toes, it feels as if there’s some kind of “cotton balls” or something in there… because there’s no feeling. I’ve got the gut feeling that if I don’t get to meet with Vincent soon, the NY gig is dead… so I should be too… very soon now. Winter is the 21st December… it would be charming and lovely if we could have a bit of a “thaw” at some point soon there-after so that I can make my way to the Hurricane. Or some spot by a lake up there. It’s really well past time to check the fuck out of this shit. I’m actually becoming useless. Well… they say that “retirement” kills folks. Let’s hope. –

Sun.27.Nov: 2.15 LAST SMOKE! I’m going to be a mess in 5 hours! – 10.55 And the house is Hoovered, washed, tidy, the stove has been cleared and re-started and is burning nicely, all is calm and done in about 2,5 hours. Yes, I over-slept. But obviously, it’s of no matter. The WORK is done. Of course, it won’t take but moments for it to be UN-done. But that’s not the point. And me? I’m exhausted, tired, run-down and ready to leave to some calmer, quieter place… but that doesn’t exist… for me. – I may take a nap. I woke at almost 8.30 after 3 alarms this morning. No matter. As I say, the WORK is done. And did I mention: I’m exhausted. – As I cleaned this morning, again, the words of Rick, from the Shelter: I wasn’t raised in filth and just because I’m Homeless doesn’t mean I have to live in it now. – This “shelter” is clean. – 23.11 In bed at last! And the dinner went ever so well. As Jacquie cooked, I made myself scarce in the room. At dinner: Pam and Dave showed on time. Kerry and her 2 guests arrived as we were finishing eating. Jes arrived shortly after. Kerry had some tragic story about being finger-printed at the border, thus, her tardiness. She’d come through in Alburg. As I said to Jacquie after they’d all left, she’d be better coming across at the same point all the time. But… I blow it out my arse. So be it. Dinner went very well. No politics. Just good talk. As dinner ended, I washed the dishes and Jes actually grabbed paper towels and dried. Jacquie shoved other into the machine. There’s a sink full waiting for morning. They all left round about 21.30 or so. I ate only enough to join. Yes, I’m hungry. No, I don’t want to eat more. – Pam suggested some “cultural” trip to MTL. Jacquie merely said that my passport had expired. Nothing more mentioned. – After dinner, Jacquie and I watched a bit of news and now… the house is closed for the night. – I’m just in from last ‘moke. Finished. The stove is stoked. – Oh… and the house? Clean when Jacquie came in. I was napping and didn’t bother to wake when she came in. And yes, it didn’t take but moments… she re-stoked the just-stoked stove and went about her business. No mention of the cleanliness of the house or the tables set up. It’s not important. – And again, tonight, my guts says “GO!”. – Tuesday, Jacquie will be taking her Lis to BTV. Another day. Wednesday is her staff meeting. The Thursday, she’s back to work. Let us make it through tomorrow. –

Mon.28.Nov: 7.10 Back in the bed. Woke, went to the kitchen to re-start the wood-stove, then went to pee. There was urine and tissue in the toilet this morning. I pee’ed, went back to the kitchen, put coffee and creamer in my mug and made my coffee in the loo sink. VERY HOT water in the loo. So sipping coffee, came back into the little room, got my cigarettes and went out for a morning ‘moke. There’s a very light “rain” of frozen rain. Cant’ see it but it can be felt. And so, I stood out-side having my smoke. Came back into the room via “my” door. The room is cold. Last night, as we sat at table after everybody left, Jacquie mentioned how nice the wood-stove looks with the glass cleaned (rather than saying something like “Thank you for cleaning and setting it all up.”) and how much heat it actually generates. Not perfect, she’s always wished they’d gotten a larger stove but this one was fine for what it does.
“IT KEEPS IT JUST COMFORTABLE ENOUGH. I KNOW I HAVE THE OIL, BUT I HAVE THE THERMOSTAT SET AT 50°….” All week-end I KNEW I didn’t hear the heat come up in the house! And now I know WHY! 50°F? That’s the lowest setting on the thermostat! It’s set at “OFF”! for fuck’s sake! Here we go AGAIN! Oh… fuck HIM! I’m out of the house, else-where where there’s plenty of heat. Let HIM stay in the house in the cold. FIVE YEARS of this shit! FIVE FUCKING YEARS of being cold all Winter. Is it any wonder my bones are giving way? Well, indeed… just FUCK ME!
I woke moments ago, from a DREAM
A clear, sunny, “Summer” day, Randy and I were standing in the back yard of 5225. Neither of us was “residing” there any more and Bob and Gordon were still gone. Randy repeatedly telling me that I needed to get into the house and get the rest of my “shit” out of there. I repeatedly told him that I had nothing left in there and that I no longer had any right to be in there because I’d signed-off on a statement saying so and that I had no reason to return. (There WERE things I’d left behind but at this juncture, it was too late to get it and I was sure that, by now, what-ever I’d left behind had been discarded in one way or another.) Finally, annoyed, I told him “C’mon, let’s go in and I’ll prove it. All my shit is gone. You still have the key. Let’s go in.” and so we did. He opened the back door with his key and we went in, through the house, up the front stairs to the room. The door was closed and when Randy opened it and I looked in, it was so different. Very neatly organised, clean. Nice curtains on the windows, nice, rather second-hand but nice, furnishings. In the North-East corner, a desk, covered with neatly-stacked papers and such. There were house-plants all round the room. Very nice, neat, clean, comfortable. But there was nothing of mine in there. “See? I told you. All of MY stuff is gone.” As we were looking about, Bob and Gordon came in through the front door down-stairs! We had no business being in the house so we had to try to sneak out. Bob and Gordon came up the front stairs and went past the door into the “linen room” which was a full-sized room in the dream. Gordon was yelling at Bob because the mattress on the bed in that room had gone flat whilst they were gone. “SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS FLAT!”, Gordon was shrieking at Bob. They hadn’t noticed Randy and I in the other room. Randy told me to go ahead and leave. I quietly rushed out the door and down the hall to the back stairs and he walked out slowly, as a “decoy”, in case we were spotted. Bob and Gordon would see him and not notice me leaving. I got to the top of the stairs… more like a ladder, almost straight down. Eric was down-stairs. He just looked-up at me as I stepped forward and simply “floated” down, not touching the stairs nor the rail. I drifted to the first floor and Eric led me out the back door and into the yard. The “yard” more resembled the back yard of Coach Lane, from the Pedone’s side of the lots. When I got out of the house, I walked across the lawn an off the property in the direction of Jacquie’s as if that’s where I’d been all along. – The dream segued some-how but I can’t recall how to… I’d taken a floor-lamp from the house. Whether or not it was “mine” was ambiguous but I had it. It was made of metal, had no shade nor bulb, was that “turquoise” colour of the old “Hamilton Beach” milk-shake mixers, and stood slightly taller than I. I had to leave town (Fuklin? Ambiguous there too) rather right away, and get back to where I resided. Carrying the lamp a bit clumsily, I made my way up the street (which resembled on of the side streets in Newburgh that went along Downing Park, up a hill, heading East). As I walked along, I feigned looking for “my” 2 children, 2 little girls. Some-how they would “legitimise” my being there, going for the bus. But there were other children running and roaming about and no 2 little girls I could say were “mine”. I continued walking up the hill to the corner, carrying the lamp. When I got to the corner I realised that the lamp was too tall to take onto the bus and that I had to disassemble half, at least. I looked for a screw between the upper, more narrow section and the wider bottom. I found the screw, rather large and thought, I have no screw-driver, I’ll have to try to un-screw it with my finger nail. Oddly, the screw came loose with just my finger-tip, and I took the top off, carried it with the bottom in one hand. Looking at the bottom, broader part, I noticed a “decorative”, old fashioned electric meter in it… the meter was RUNNING… the little “hands” turning round. I wondered how it was that the meter was running when the lamp was obviously UN-PLUGGED! Then I realised that I didn’t have the bus fare and needed to buy a ticket. But all I had was a 50$ bill! I went over to a kiosk of sorts where I could pay the fare. The woman there got angry with me because she couldn’t make the change for the large bill. After some arguing, I bought a long strip of tickets and had to fold it several times to fit it into my pocket. With tickets hanging out of my jacket pocket and holding onto my lamp, I turned to wait for the bus to arrive. It did, as I was turning. It stopped, the door opened, I got on. I had no idea what bus it was, where it was going. I just thought that where-ever it went, at some point I could transfer to the bus I needed. But as we rolled along, I realised that I didn’t have a “transfer” and that it was too late to ask for one. Well, I thought, I’ll deal with that at the next bus or I’ll have to pay another whole fare. I didn’t have the money for the next fare because I’d spent my cash on all the tickets. (And for some reason, in the dream, the extra tickets weren’t good for the next bus.) I went to the back of the bus. It was rather empty and most of the passengers were Black. The floor was scattered with old papers and some kind of file folders and dirt. I took a seat and we moved along. It was getting late in the day. I decided to take the bus to the end of the line. It wasn’t the bus that I needed to be on but I thought i could transfer to the right bus when I got to the end of this line. – As the bus arrived at what was the end of that line, it was almost night-fall. I looked out the window and noticed that it was raining. The bus turned to the right, off the “main” street, and down a side street. To my right, it was empty lots, to the left, old brick buildings. It was desolate. The bus turned onto the first left and then another left into a very narrow alley-way where, at the end, there was a change of drivers. I followed the other passengers to the front as they departed and noticed a little sticker above the driver’s seat. It had a route map on it and I went to check to see where I was and what bus I could transfer to. But as I looked, out driver left, the new driver go on, closed the door and began to drive away, up the narrow street and back onto the main street. I called-out “GETTING OFF!” and the driver got pissed telling me that I can’t just expect to stop the bus where-ever I wanted. I went back to the back of the bus to get my lamp and a suit-case, it was a small suit-case (like the medium one of Oma’s set that I used to have). I got the lamp but the suit-case was gone! I rummaged through the papers on the floor under the seats. Somebody had stolen the suit-case! There was no time though, I had to get off the bus! The driver pulled onto the main street and let me off. By now it was fully night and very dark, the streets were wet and the lights in the buildings reflected off the wet streets. (Where I was resembled “So. William Street and Broadway, Newburgh!) I waited for the next bus to come by and when it arrived, the driver opened the door to let me on but gave me a hard time about bringing the lamp. As he scolded me about the lamp, another driver, (all the bus drivers were Black men in the dream) was laying on the floor, apparently repairing something under the dash, and he TOO was nasty toward me, telling me how it made him made that we were “so into” our “White privileges” and how Jews “always” took advantage of other people. “You don’t have to be all like that!” said the driver on the floor. “You’re right, and there no need for all your miserable, nasty shit either!” I told him, as nastily. The bus hadn’t left while all of this was going on, so I stepped back and off the bus again and as the bus started to pull away I yelled at the driver on the floor “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” in a sarcastic tone, and the felt rather stupid for not having said “Merry Christmas”. But thought to myself “How stupid to have to feel guilty about saying ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’. This is the holiday season and I just don’t want to be specific about a particular holiday.” Well, the bus pulled way and left me standing there. I still had no idea where I should go to get the next bus and, although I did have a destination some-how, I really didn’t know where I has going… but it was to some place where I resided or at least I would be where I belonged… with my lamp, when I got there. I was still feeling horrible about losing the suit-case because it held all that I owned.) I woke….
It was about 6.45. – 10.01 now. I HAD to lie down and snooze as I was typing all of this dream and so I did… from about 8.30 until almost 9.45! Jacquie got up as I was beginning to doze off. And I can hear her in the kitchen. So much for me getting up and washing the dishes in the sink. Oh well.. it’s not as if I do nothing all the rest of the time. I don’t give a shit. And I hear her fucking about with the wood-stove… more fucking paper and shit, no doubt. None of my business. – Time to get up, get dressed and deal with this day. FUCK ME! – 21.43 IN BED! Tired too! And we made it through the day! No problems. And, lo…behold.. etc… In a little note, folded and paper-clipped… 40$. “Thank you for taking care of Hallie, helping with the meal. I hope this will help with your passport.” Well, pardon me, but yes, you do because it give you travelling company to Québec. I’m not THAT stupid… yet. But no matter… Tomorrow I’ll go over, get the fucking money order, pay the postage and give the qunt there my “ID” to have my name on the po box so I can receive my fucking passport. Shit-bags. – Oh well. – Ate fairly well at dinner tonight. Left-overs, but good. I’m a little fed-up with her giving the pots, pans and dishes to Hallie to lick. And tonight, Hallie is SO full of gas that the poor thing is whining… from all the shit she’s given to eat. But… no matter what I say… nothing makes any difference anyway. I need to get out of here. (Fresh posting to the “CL” this week!) – Other than that, a nothing sort of day into a nothing sort of night and tomorrow, Jacquie will be off by about 8.30 for most of the day. She wants me to go too but I’ll end up in the back of the truck with the dog (or driving) and I don’t want to. So I’ll be making excuses. I can clean the house and haul some wood and get my passport materials out instead. – Time for a brief soc.med. and some sleep, I hope. No odd dreams tonight… please.

Tue.29.Nov:
PASSPORT CARD APPLICATION OUT10.30 – VIA PRIORITY
SOMEBODY COMMENTED ON THE MrG’s FESSES-BOOK PAGE!
8.20 Oddly, I woke with the 5.45 alarm this morning, ready to get up and out of bed. Then I woke, still ready to roll at the 6.00 alarm… and dozed back off until about 7.40. Hmmmm…. Well, it’s fine because I got up, and went to have my coffee and Jacquie was already at table… I had my smoke and when I came in, said she “I’m leaving in 5 minutes. Would you like to come?” Nope. I feigned wanting to write and said “Thank YOU. I’ll be going immediately, as soon as she gets done throwing the mail, to drop my passport. And hopefully it won’t take longer than the ‘2-5 weeks’ to get here.” “Hopefully it’ll take less.” said she. Indeed. Anyway… she’s off and on the road… for a great portion of this drizzly but not so cold day. Me? Fire-wood, clean the floor, passport and… I’d like, very much, to get some writing in. – 8.24 and Hallie’s out in the kitchen (I’m in the little room) barking at something or somebody. I don’t bother looking any more. She’s the dog who barks ‘wolf’. One of these days there WILL be something or somebody out there and… I no longer give a shit. – I had a bit of a dream this morning. Can’t recall what it was all about. Oh well… Nothing to write here. Move along. – 10.44 Recycling out. Passport application out. Kitchen floor swept. Little bit of dishes in sink done. Drizzling out there. Over-cast. And my “mood” is in over-drive, bouncing about. Nerves shot. Lisa said “You just can’t seem to get out of here.” True. Makes me physically ill. What-ever. Best to use the time as best possible. (I’d like to go back to sleep… and never wake up again.) – 21.38 Back in bed… at last. The day is done. My stomach is bad… gas and such. Had a BM about an hour ago. RED. More like beets, but I haven’t had any beets since Sunday. I wonder.. indeed, I wonder. – But as for the day, I got precious little done, save posting the application for the passport card at about 10.30 and after that? Not much of anything done. I did get an hour’s nap in though. (And even now, I’m still exhausted.) At about 17.00 I’d begun putting more on the book and Jacquie came in. I figured she’d make a day of it with her Lis and so she did. She had a wine, I had a beer and we settled-in to watch the news. Had a bite to eat. I had a turkey sandwich… which I believe is disagreeing with me. Then back to more news. Funny, we seem to watch only the news. I catch myself thinking: I’ve no idea what’s on TV any more. – Ah… BUT… THE RESPONSE! I’d gone onto fesses-book to see the latest on word of 5225. Bobo’s mum’s rather ill. Lung biopsies and such. I suspect CA-Lung there, and of course, Mme.Gordo is all upset. Woe is it. And then I stopped by my author page… and there… A MESSAGE FROM SOMEBODY I DON’T KNOW WHO SAID HE’D HAD GRET TIMES AT G’s! AND ASKED WHO’S THE ADMIN ON THE PAGE! I SHOT OFF A BRIEF REPLY AND A DIRECT MESSAGE TO THE FELLOW. I’M AMAZED. COME JANUARY IT WILL BE 43 YEARS SINCE G’s BURNT TO THE GROUND! I WONDER WHO THIS FELLOW IS, IF HE’LL CORRESPOND AND SUCH. BUT I’M RATHER AMAZED! SOMEBODY’S STILL “OUT THERE”!!! – Other than that? I’m off to catch-up with the day on soc.med. and hope for early sleep. – One more note: I NEED TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF THIS STATE! – Amen.

Wed.30.Nov: 8.43 Note of the morning, revelation: On Sunday, as all gathered round, Dave and I were chatting and he asked if I’d ever been in the service. I told him of the Army-like up-bringing and he interjected “PTSD”. I didn’t think of it at the time, my brain being a bit “slow” to things such as this, but this morning, it occurred to me: I tend to go off when Hallie barks in my ear in the truck. I don’t like it, at all. Ill-mannered and misbehaved as it is. And yes, I did BUST the last time Jacquie and I were in the truck when we took her “Jeannie” to BTV. So I can only surmise that it was “discussed”, no doubt with some sense of dread and drama. So.. since these people work in the line of “social services”, Pam dealing with ex-cons, and Dave and Jacquie working with whackos, they’ve all taken it upon themselves to chalking it up to “PTSD”. How charming. Fukkem… Fukkemall. – And so, again, I was awake for the 5.45 and the 6.00 alarms. Jacquie was fucking with the wood-stove at 5.45 already and I dozed back off… half-dozed anyway, until about 8.30. Well, it’s over-cast and damp and foggy and there’s really nothing that I need do, other than fetching the recycle bin and those walk-bricks from the yard. The snow is almost gone and there’s nothing but mud all about. I need to just take the days as they are. – Thought as I smoked this morning: The old man kicked-off at age … well I thought it was in his 60’s but it wasn’t, on second thought. He was in his 80’s. OK. So that tosses that calc. I was thinking that if he’d died in his 60’s, I should be going soon. But since he was in his 80’s … I need to get the fuck out of and away from here. I doubt I have another 20 years to go. But I don’t want another 2, for that matter. And I want and need and must NOT be in VT when it all comes to that. Why am I thinking such this morning? I KNOW I’m falling apart. I keep thinking about getting another job… I’m such a moron. At 62, “job” is something I won’t be getting. For all intent and purpose, I’ve been FORCE-SHOVED into “retirement”. This coming year, I’m eligible for partial Social Security income though… unless the new govt. fucks that, and me, and of course, that’s how it’ll turn, I’ve no doubt. Oh well… it truly IS time. My shit’s packed. All I need do is make sure I’ve got the way… OUT. – And so, with jolly thoughts, another fucking day commences… another month closes… and soon… another year will come to a close as well. Time to… say FUCK OFF! – Let’s see how this day will turn rapidly.. to shit. Shall we then? Oh yes. Let’s shall. – 12.04 The day seems to be dragging… of course. But… the bricks from the walk are stacked on the porch, the recycle bin is back on the porch and there’s a FULL stack of fire-wood in the kitchen, with extra pieces that will, no doubt, not be taken in order. I don’t give a shit. Truly… I don’t any more. I was just in the yard thinking that I probably might should give a hit about something. But the honest base of it all is that I don’t, and I don’t give a shit about not giving a shit about anything any longer. Some people have their heart-aches. I don’t give a shit any more. Some have their happy moments. I don’t give a shit about those either. Funny, that. SO many years ago I was SO empathetic and wished that I wouldn’t be. I’ve gotten my wish. It’s years of being taught: MY heart-aches are of no concern to others so theirs are of no concern to me.
People who appear heartless are those who have been hurt too many times before.
FTW. No… not even that much. It’s one thing to “care” enough to feel anger. It’s another when you feel nothing at all.