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And again, I pray, with every heart-beat: NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE!
Fri.1.Aug: 5.55 Look at that: 55… I’m so tired! Truly. This morning I’m so tired that making coffee, having my smoke, coming back to the room… it’s all in slow motion. Everything is an effort this morning. I’d re-set this morning’s alarm for 5.30 but I was awake much earlier. I don’t know how much, but it was still quite dark. I laid in the bed, pondering getting up at that hour and then drifted back to sleep. The alarm at 5.30 was a rude awakening, but that’s when I got up. But this business of getting about 7 hours of sleep and waking, ever so tired, as if I’d not slept all through the night? Seriously.. WTF is that all about? Eh? Just running down, running down indeed. And depression. And… August. Another month of rent due. 1750 now. And 95$ income every week. Well, this morning is a trip to St.A. I’m wondering if I’ll make it. Bike? Walk? Hitch? Aline? The Richford bus? I don’t know. And that’s another problem in the morning: Indecision. The brain doesn’t want to function. Old… just old. And this morning I think: I had cottage cheese all day yesterday. Meanwhile, the ones who collect income for doing nothing had steak. Although I do understand that Jester can’t work about the house, and I have to admire him… he DOES actually push himself and he DOES do things about the place, it’s rather annoying to think that he spends most of the day either in the bed (even on “good” days) or on the sofa in front of the TV… and about 300$ each month comes to him, in addition to the same FS that I get. Me? I’m working and being taxes (although, the 95$ I get has no Fed/State taxes taken… SocSec and Medicaid… hahaha… Medicaid, that I don’t use, and probably should?) Anyway. there’s that, and the fact that HE does the cooking and the dishes… and all the while, the other two? Well, L. sits. The exercise du jour is getting up from bed round 11.00 to go down the stairs… to eat, then to the sofa until day’s end when the exercise continues… getting up to go back to bed with an interlude of being up to… eat. B. goes to work, drives to work and back. And on the week-ends… sofa-time. Or, a drive to St.A…. or something… sometimes. As Jester and I have talked: WE bring the dogs out, maintain the yard, barn and such, cook, clean, and this is not “our” house, property. Indeed… the two of them are receiving quite a bit from … You know? It isn’t even worth thinking about. It’s truth, but it’s not worth thinking about. – Well, I’d like to be out of here in about an hour. I doubt I will be. Last night I thought I’d like to be out of here by now (6.10), and I’m not. It’s still chilly, and wet from last night’s dew. I shouldn’t be on the road during the morning commuters’ run. No need. I’ve never appreciated people who have a whole day being out and about during commuters’ hours. Tomorrow I have to remember to make the “mail” for the license, and this morning I need to find out when I can go for that. It’s a little thing really. But these days, even the smallest things are the largest. And now, my stomach is binding. The cheese has made its journey through. I didn’t shower last night and am feeling “sticky”. Didn’t accomplish anything yesterday. So… why… WHY THE FUCK am I SO TIRED? – August. Why do I even wake up in the morning. Why can’t it simply be: Now I lay me down to sleep… Done. – 8.30 I napped and I don’t know what happened but some-how… attitude and energy levels have changed. The mood is a bit brighter. Hmm…. I wonder what will come to fuck me now. Time to get me together. There are errands to run. – 10.03 OUTTA HERE! – 18.39 MADE IT! Barely… The axle on the back wheel has officially shit the sheets… and it did so JUST as I got to the Heald Rd. How charming! Literally in the middle of no-where! Ah… but I continued on-ward… – I’d stopped at the PO before leaving… and the news today? I’M NOT GETTING MORE HOURS AT MORE OFFICES BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A CAR!!! Isn’t THAT lovely? Oh! But indeed! SO! That made today’s trip in the heat and humidity all the MORE wonderful! – NEXT! – Went to the CU, paid the phone through August (I don’t know WHY the FUCK I even bother), a quickie at Hannaford’s for… PopTarts, Coffee(1), Ramen Noodles(4), a package of franks (why? I can’t chew them!), and a drink. OUT! Back on the road. Ah… and NEXT! As I was coming up the last hill on the Hanna Rd? Bob comes speeding by… and past… and off over the hill. POOF! you know what? FUCK THEM ALL! Next biggie on my list (for spite, mostly now) is the drivers’ license. And then? Perhaps CVOEO to get them the money they so desperately need!!! (Oh, when I got back to the house, I told Jester about the PO message. I wonder if THAT will be discussed… especially now, since he got his FREE money for the month and of course, they couldn’t WAIT to get out and “stock up”. Jester says it’s suppose to rain all week-end… thrills… I need smokes, but fuck me anyway… and he wants to “get drunk tonight” as he puts it. THEY are, more than likely, out to booze, snacks and probably a dinner before the surgery in 10 days. Me? Not giving a fuck.) Well that went into a nice parenthetical. – Meanwhile, I’m thinking: I have to check into the price of a gun. Instead of saving to get a car that I won’t be getting in the foreseeable future, I should get a gun! Something I can take HOME. Then, a jolly stroll in the wood-lands, a nice shady spot by a brook (crique) and no more worrying about a car, paying debts, the clothes and food I don’t have. No more remembering. No more Augusts. No more shit. I like that idea very spiffy. Tonight I’ll look at gun prices. – Meanwhile, I’m showered. OH! I repaired the “Hotel Glidden” sign… when I got back from the bike ride. Hot, tired, sweaty, dehydrated, hungry… but the sign is back up, reinforced and all’s well with the world. – I’m on the bed, fan going. Just took 2 Naprosyns with some water and am looking forward to conking out ever so soon… tomorrow is a day at the jolly PO. (The one GOOD point about that: SUE’S on! Thanks for at least ONE good turn.) – PS: En route to St.A. this morning, I saved a baby brown snake. Cutest little thing. It was in the road and I scooched it into the grasses. I shall be PUNISHED for THAT!!!
Sat.2.Aug: 5.19 Lights out. Under the blankets. 20.30 or so last night… and I laid in bed, all through the night… WIDE AWAKE! ALL NIGHT! AWAKE! Right up until the first alarm at 4.30. Turned off the 4.30 alarm, and laid in bed, awake, until the second alarm at 4.55. AWAKE… ALL NIGHT. Not thinking about anything in particular, just awake… all night. And now, this morning, my head is in a state of dull pain, my body doesn’t want to move, I want to lay down again and just… well… lay down. Yes, indeed, August is here. I want to be so sick! 
– And I still think: Instead of saving more for a car, take what I have and try to get a gun. BLAM! Done. Finished. I have to check and see what kind of gun I can get with the money I have. One click and… finished. All I’d need to do is figure out where. I have some ideas. That was part of the laying in bed awake all night. One gun. One click. Peace. – They didn’t have their Friday night out last night. They did, how-ever, all get into the car and went some-where. I saw, when they returned, that they brought pizza. But by the time I was ready for bed, Jester was in bed, asleep, and the house was rather quiet. – Oh, and I had 2 franks before bed… just to have something so that I could get up this morning… for work. – One gun. One click. Peace. – 16.28 Well… I made it through the day… I don’t know how, but I did. And not only did I get the PO done… I did the front of the house… yard-work as well! Nobody was at the house when I got here at about 12.30 (had trouble with the 1412 again) and they’re just rolling in! So too… some kind of storm! The temperature just dropped considerably! Feels wonderful… but please that it all passes today. I have to get to Bedford tomorrow! – 17.23 Just up from a smoke. Am working on the line drawings for the oars… I’d like to paint and sell them for a 150 or so. But, how ever so obvious that I’m rather on the shit list. B. was coming back from the veg. garden with squash (two of them, large) and stopped to mention the sign on the front of the house. “I see you fixed the sign and hung it out front.” But no “thanks for doing the yard-work, oh my not that I expected any gratitude. 
I told him I did it for a joke. He chuckeld and then asked me about shipping something to his grand-daughter. (I’ve since supplied a box (Priority, inside-out) and told him to bring it when I’m working, so there will be no questions. (He wants to send a stuffie – oh gee… like the one Nancy fucked away – and perhaps a shirt.) Anyway, when I brought the box down, B. was in the loo and L. was in the kitchen… blew me off as I tried to be congenial and said something to B. about Jester going next-door to “pay his bill”. When I asked about them, at the market, keeping tabs, he (L.) replied, rather sharply “They do for a very special few and I, being born and growing up here, well, some of us are privileged.” You know what? FUCK YOU! I moved the fucking scrap metal in the barn… ALONE… and not once was I offered even a glass of water. YOU were supposed to SELL it but NO! YOU gave it away! OK. The barn got cleaned so that YOU could use it as a tool-shed/work-shop. It looks like shit now because stuff is tossed all over the place. YOU said you missed the gardens. YOU got them back. I drove to Maine and then took busses for a week in Essex AND… GAVE YOU ALL THE INCOME I HAD… and B. had the fucking balls to say “We’d like it if you’d keep 50$ to get yourself something. IT WENT INTO YOUR FUKING AGS TANK! And… I even had to go into the little I had on the side to keep the account open, to give to YOU so that YOU could get pellets for the wood stove to heat the rest of the house whilst I sat in the room with hands too cold to type! – Anyway, what I truly wanted to note is that, yes, they had to RUN to spend the money Jester just received yesterday..RUN RUN RUN!!!! SPEND SPEND SPEND!!! CANDY CANDY CANDY… BAGS AND BAGS OF M&Ms and other candy candy CANDY!!! It is, as I say: There’s a huge difference between what it known as a “Bear” and an all-too-simply fucking fat lazy piece of shit. OK? OK then. – Meanwhile, I’m dozing off sitting here in this rocking chair. I hope with all that when the time comes, I’ll be able to fall out… AND THE WEATHER BETTER BE GOOD TOMORROW SO I CAN GET TO BEDFORD!!! – The thunder rolled, the temperature dropped… and the sky is clearing again. Let the RAINS come TONIGHT! and be gone with the dawn! – 20.51 And… Jester blew his income on booze and wine and candies. And right now, they’re out in the back… at the fire. How lovely. I know, I said I was going to participate more. But with the distance in the way I’ve been spoken to as of late, I don’t see that it’s appropriate. So? I want to get to Bedford tomorrow, and the forecast is for rain in the afternoon, so I’ll have to head out early. And, with the bike in the condition it’s in, it’s going to be a long ride.. with a lot of walking. So… whilst they play in the fire, I shall play in the shower and then? TO BED! And tonight.. I hope I’ll get some sleep! It doesn’t feel as though I will… but I must tor try. – Oh… and LoupNordique is back up on fessebook as of this evening and the other page will be cleaned up and out and returned to “Writing”. AND… I have a great working sketch for the oars! This day wasn’t a total waste. (And I hear that B. and L. found the sign on the house, amusing. B. even looked for and couldn’t find the breaks! Imagine that! Jolly bugger me anyway and any way.) Je m’en câlisse. – 23.59 It’s going to be another one of those nights and Ididn’t nap at all today!
WHAT THE FUCK!?!? I can’t stand this and it’s only the second day! I have to get to Bedford tomorrow… well… as I type this… TO-FUCKING-DAY! I can’t take any more of this insomnia! I just can’t! – Their “fire” was cut short by drizzle and B. got tired… awwwww….. BUT L. AND JESTER HAD NO TROUBLE SMOKING AND GETTING STONED… IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN! OK? OK! – I’m going for a final smoke. I’ve had my v-ton. Maybe another shot will help. But I MUST be awake early to get on the road! FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!
Sun.3.Aug: 0.23 Screeching tyres. Cars buzzing past the house and the smell of weed coming in the window with the fan blowing. Right. I want OUT of this fucking town! I want my CAR and I want OUT of this fucking town and Monday? I will make that known to madame boss-lady! – Second v-ton and then a smoke and then to rest… as the traffic picks 
up out front. – 0.38 Just up from a smoke. Jester’s awake. B. is asleep with the room light on. L. is in the parlour… probably asleep… stoned. Me? HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY! The 2nd v-ton is hitting. And… I’ve put in a “need” to the Metaphysical: car, this week, 500$ max, good for 6 months, re-sale at 700. Period. – I need to try to get some sleep… it’s been a whole day and more since I’ve slept. – The sky is star-filled. I need to get on the road in the morning! I’ll be dead-arse tired. But I need to get on the road! This is SO fucked! -1.00 The traffic! A car went by with kids yelling! Trucks. All sorts of traffic. It’s like NYC in this town. And from and to where? We’re in the middle of nothing! – I’m going to try for some sleep. – 7.29 WELL! It would seem the two beverages helped last night… this morning. I slept! How nice. Now to check the météo and hope that the weather will hold long enough AND that the wheel on the bike will do like-wise. Today? I won’t take the back-pack and see how that goes. I didn’t take it at the beginning when I’d make the trips so… and maybe the crossings will be easier with-out it. It’ll be interesting to see if there’s any difference this time. I really shouldn’t get smokes. When I think of how much I spend… and this time it’s on a loan. But… we do what we must for as long as we must and then… we don’t do it any longer. – So far, it’s a nice morning. May it hold until…. – 
I still have to think: Jester said that Cecil came by the house during the week and commented to L. about how nice the front of the house looks and L. actually said that it’s my work. The old guy who’s great-grandfolks owned the place said the same. The town knows who’s putting in all the work. Nobody here will say thanks. So, I should be satisfied with the town’s reactions. Funny, that. I’m “known” in the town. Made an impression. It can’t be denied that I DO around here. Now, if only somebody would appreciate all the work and I could do more and get paid for it! But no, not I. – 19.28 I was just dozing… Now I hope I can sleep!!! 2 smokes left. Now I HAVE to get to Bedford tomorrow! – But today? The chairs are gone! Parts are bundled… 3 bundles ready for the trash collectors. I had no intention of doing that today, but the forecast was for storms (which didn’t happen again) and the temperature was miserably hot and the humidity was unbearable. I started on one of the last 2 chairs and just kept working until it was done… 5 hours. At about 16.30 I went to the market for 3 ice creams and a Coke and as I’m at the counter, Jester hobbled in. I don’t know if he saw me but I don’t give a shit, really. I got bread too, for the franks I had when I came in. And when I came in, L. and Jester were at the table, taco bowls on the stove, meat cooking and the sort. “HELLO!” says L. I commented “4 chairs are now 3 bundles and it’s done.” and went right to the shower. I STINK! SOUR SWEAT! DISGUSTING! I don’t know why, but it truly is disgusting. Problems with the navel again too. I’m rotting away. But not quickly enough. – So, I’m showered, had 2 franks, PopTarts. Looked up the tinnitus that’s been bothering me for the past few days: aspirin, quinine, bike riding… imagine that. Oh how my “existence” is so fucked up. But I don’t care. I can’t care any more. Just can’t. – B. and Jester sitting out on the front. How charming. I maintain… thankless… and they enjoy. Fuck it. Fuck them. Fuck all. – The guy with the malamute just passed the house and the 3 mutts from here are all barking. I DO wish somebody in town would file a complaint. I’ll have to see what I might be able to do. I mean… the situation is never addressed. FORBID any of THEM should move to “DO”! –
This is just shit. But the bottom line is… I MUST get the fuck out of here! And away from this shit. – Well, to post this, the photos and to get to sleep. I’m going in to the PO tomorrow morning… I’ll help with the mail and hopefully Aline can get the paper-work done. Then I’ll head up to Metro. Hopefully the bike will hold long enough. – And the fucking dogs keep barking… now, at nothing. Bullshit. Plain and simple. – And now all three of them are sitting on their fat lardarses out front. I maintain… they enjoy… they need to be fucked… and not in a happy manner.
Mon.4.Aug: 6.10 RAIN! According to NOAA, it should be through the day, on and off. According to Météo, it should pass by about 11.00. Meanwhile, the clothes I wore yesterday are in the washer. – Last night, before I feel asleep, and I DID fell asleep too, I heard L. speaking with some woman. They were out on the front stoop. Before she left, she commented on the looks of the front of the house “It’ really nice out here.” A n,ice place to sit and relax. She compared it to, of course, the way Daisy had kept it. And I heard L. mention my name. I didn’t hear all, but I heard that much. There are compliments being made. I just wonder if they’re genuine or simply something to be said so as not to “appear” ungrateful, since it’s undeniable that the place looks good. Of course, I don’t have to be mentioned. A simple “Thanks.” could be sufficient. And, as this morning, I keep thinking that it’s very much probably my own feelings of inadequacy that play into my own attitude towards everything. But then too, there’s no invitation to dine, to go for a ride, to do anything “together” with “them”. I don’t know… and quite honestly, I don’t really want to discuss it. But I suppose, one of these days, I’ll have to. Before the chat mentioned, B. was on the phone, out front, talking quite loudly. Pellets will cost them 2000 this year again. The hot water, fuel oil. Indeed, I know that Winter is an expensive season. But then, I did mention to Jester that he and I both could be getting fuel assistance. And there are other things we could be getting, but we can’t really because applying for them would knock B&L out of other things… particularly L. and his income. So? So it truly isn’t much my fault… nor Jester’s. – I still keep thinking: 3 of them… TWO fridges FULL of food and that full-sized freezer FULL of food… and bags of candies, tubs of candies, beer, booze, wine… weed. Sorry. I don’t cook. I don’t shower daily (even some times when I work my arse off round here and am filthy). It costs them nothing, especially in comparison to what I DO round here. I don’t know… the 2 sides to it… ALL of it. – Meanwhile, down to one smoke. And the weather maps show that this rain should be passing in about an hour or so. I’ll be going over to the PO this morning, round about 7.30 or so, just to help with the sorting and such (and to pass some time waiting for the rain to pass) and then… NORTH! No matter what, this morning, I’m going North. I only hope that the bike holds for the entire trip. Bedford is considerably farther from here than IGA was from Church St… to walk. And I don’t much feel like walking that distance, especially considering there isn’t much traffic and fewer chances of a lift. And with the Heatindex… 32°? Another roaster today. Oh well… oh well, indeed. – 6.36 Clothes in the dryer. The rain seems to be letting up. And the lint trap in the dryer? As usual… STUFFED!!! I mean, seriously… the things nobody does round here. – I can’t help but think: B. has all this trouble with his family, especially with the ex and the kids and such. And between the two of them, all the other financial troubles… and in the midst of all the financial troubles, they go and get more credit cards… and such… I can’t help but wonder… I just can’t. “I’d like to clear the barn…” and it doesn’t get done. “The lawn needs to be mowed…” and it doesn’t get done. “I want to separate the garage from the house this years…” and it doesn’t get done. “… trim the roses…” and it doesn’t get done. “Daisy always had…” and it doesn’t get done. The lint trap on the dryer… doesn’t get done. Picking up the dog-shit… Jester does it… Let the dogs out to pee… Jester does it… Their laundry on the week-ends… Jester does it… Water in the pets’ dish… Jester does it… Even down to preparing meals!… Jester does it. And the world is un-aware. Fuck… It’s ME! I DO IT! when it’s mentioned and should be done. Even to yesterday when I could have simply gotten on the bike and headed off to get MY smokes, as I should have done… I got those chairs GONE! I DO IT! FUCK ME! But… I’m the Altruist. Fuck me. –
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Mon.4.Aug: 6.10 RAIN! According to NOAA, it should be through the day, on and off. According to Météo, it should pass by about 11.00. Meanwhile, the clothes I wore yesterday are in the washer. – Last night, before I feel asleep, and I DID fell asleep too, I heard L. speaking with some woman. They were out on the front stoop. Before she left, she commented on the looks of the front of the house “It’ really nice out here.” A n,ice place to sit and relax. She compared it to, of course, the way Daisy had kept it. And I heard L. mention my name. I didn’t hear all, but I heard that much. There are compliments being made. I just wonder if they’re genuine or simply something to be said so as not to “appear” ungrateful, since it’s undeniable that the place looks good. Of course, I don’t have to be mentioned. A simple “Thanks.” could be sufficient. And, as this morning, I keep thinking that it’s very much probably my own feelings of inadequacy that play into my own attitude towards everything. But then too, there’s no invitation to dine, to go for a ride, to do anything “together” with “them”. I don’t know… and quite honestly, I don’t really want to discuss it. But I suppose, one of these days, I’ll have to. Before the chat mentioned, B. was on the phone, out front, talking quite loudly. Pellets will cost them 2000 this year again. The hot water, fuel oil. Indeed, I know that Winter is an expensive season. But then, I did mention to Jester that he and I both could be getting fuel assistance. And there are other things we could be getting, but we can’t really because applying for them would knock B&L out of other things… particularly L. and his income. So? So it truly isn’t much my fault… nor Jester’s. – I still keep thinking: 3 of them… TWO fridges FULL of food and that full-sized freezer FULL of food… and bags of candies, tubs of candies, beer, booze, wine… weed. Sorry. I don’t cook. I don’t shower daily (even some times when I work my arse off round here and am filthy). It costs them nothing, especially in comparison to what I DO round here. I don’t know… the 2 sides to it… ALL of it. – Meanwhile, down to one smoke. And the weather maps show that this rain should be passing in about an hour or so. I’ll be going over to the PO this morning, round about 7.30 or so, just to help with the sorting and such (and to pass some time waiting for the rain to pass) and then… NORTH! No matter what, this morning, I’m going North. I only hope that the bike holds for the entire trip. Bedford is considerably farther from here than IGA was from Church St… to walk. And I don’t much feel like walking that distance, especially considering there isn’t much traffic and fewer chances of a lift. And with the Heatindex… 32°? Another roaster today. Oh well… oh well, indeed. – 6.36 Clothes in the dryer. The rain seems to be letting up. And the lint trap in the dryer? As usual… STUFFED!!! I mean, seriously… the things nobody does round here. – I can’t help but think: B. has all this trouble with his family, especially with the ex and the kids and such. And between the two of them, all the other financial troubles… and in the midst of all the financial troubles, they go and get more credit cards… and such… I can’t help but wonder… I just can’t. “I’d like to clear the barn…” and it doesn’t get done. “The lawn needs to be mowed…” and it doesn’t get done. “I want to separate the garage from the house this years…” and it doesn’t get done. “… trim the roses…” and it doesn’t get done. “Daisy always had…” and it doesn’t get done. The lint trap on the dryer… doesn’t get done. Picking up the dog-shit… Jester does it… Let the dogs out to pee… Jester does it… Their laundry on the week-ends… Jester does it… Water in the pets’ dish… Jester does it… Even down to preparing meals!… Jester does it. And the world is un-aware. Fuck… It’s ME! I DO IT! when it’s mentioned and should be done. Even to yesterday when I could have simply gotten on the bike and headed off to get MY smokes, as I should have done… I got those chairs GONE! I DO IT! FUCK ME! But… I’m the Altruist. Fuck me. – 8.18 And I got the laundry done, brushed m’teeth, took a dump, dressed and was in the PO at 7.45… She’d doe the work on Saturday! Fine. It’s still drizzling, so… But I’d stopped at the Fuckup Mart next door for a pack of 9$ smokes… they only had the “Crush” and the “Browns”… no “Blue”! Arse-muchers. OK. So it was a savings there with the 9$ but they stink, they taste horrid… but I don’t have to think about “running” until tomorrow… if I can hold out. – I’ve gotten the “velum stencil” drawn for the oars. I’m just not “settled” inside for putting colour to the wood… as it were. But I MUST! Perhaps this weather and such is an indication: Do something to potentially draw income. I shall give it a try. The rain isn’t supposed to clear the area until about 11.00. 2,5 hours from now. So, I shall see what comes along. I still have to print a “lease” andsuch. So? We shall see where it all goes. I don’t expect any “good” to come from this day. But then, it’s August. And I never expect any “good” to come from ANY day… – I was recalling a bit of a dream last night, having to do with my nose: |
Tue.5.Aug: 6.12 Another night of half-sleep for the most part. I was “lights out” at 22.00 and still awake at mid-night! Pain… the right testicle. Hmmm….. Oh well. Then this morning, the 5.35 alarm and back to sleep until almost 6.00. I’ve had my smoke. Am out of vitC. Weather is for scattered showers in the morning and storms after 15.00. Heat index of 30-something. I think I’ll settle for the Camels I have today and not go HOME. I just don’t have the stamina. Maybe work on the oars (which I’m not happy with even today). – This morning, it occurred to me: Jester broke the rod in his back HERE, falling down the stairs. I keep thinking that “they” have some kind of camaraderie, but the fact is: he’s Bob’s little piece of stuff, there’s that “romance” between the two of them… Lyle’s pretty much stuck with things as they are, and now, all of Jester’s belongings are here at the house. There’s a law suit in the air… Jester could sue against the house’s insurance! Shit could hit the fan, big time. So… they NEED to be particularly “nice” and “kind”. Meanwhile… me? Well, if I were to get a bit on the pissy side, I could blow the whole thing sky-high. Hell! I WORK around here, indeed. The town knows so there’s no getting away from that. And Jester with the surgery coming? There’s quite a LOT that could go very wrong here. Now… to “ride it out” or feel guilty and depressed… THAT is to be seen… I’m a fucking mess, I am. – And all along… I’m in pain… and nobody knows. – OK. Now to decide what the fuck to do with this day. – - 17.46 I have been giving a lot of serious and sane thought of late, to situations at hand, and today, I am relieved to report that I have come to the most rational, logical and sane conclusion, which I would like, very much, to include here-in. It has to do with current conditions and current events. You see, the point is: I’m tired… No. I am beyond tired and even well passed exhausted. I am… expired. I am disgusted with looking at the current news and seeing the President of this country giving the entire house away to people who are in blatant violation of laws that were created hundreds of years ago, intended to protect the welfare and well-being of the citizens of this country. I am sickened from seeing people, well-attired, driving about in impeccably clean and contemporary motor vehicles, 4 and more offspring in tow, barging into the local food pantries, scarfing up multiple loaves of bread, bundles of vegetables and cereals, and then laughingly stoking the afore-mentioned vehicle to prattle off to the local super market where these same folk will load shopping trollies to the over-flow with cakes, cookies, meats galore and all sorts of exotic sorts of food-stuffs… and at the cash, will whip out a “Food Stamps” card… there, obtaining even MORE food. And… not one in the posse speaking the language of the majority in this country… English. I have grown weary beyond description, of hearing of free housing being given away to foreigners, or, to alleged “minorities”. I came from a city and state where, as per observation, if one is of some acknowledged so-called “minority” and one has 3 or more illegitimate children, each sired from a different stud, none of whose names are known to the mother, SHE will receive assistance sufficient to allow her the leisure of attending to her spore, which, also by observation, it can safely be said that she dodges, in favour of the local nail and hair salons. I came to a state where, if I were a little so-called “White” girl, singly raising 3-4 illegitimate brats, each, again, sired by a different stud, OR, if I were a self-proclaimed refugee from some far-off land whose name few, if any can spell, let alone pronounce or locate on a map (or even via Google), services, aid, assistance, a “Hand Up” are all readily available to be doled out with greater freedom than a bird on wing in a Summer breeze! I truly, actually and quite literally want to vomit at the thought of Oprha doling out cars, homes, clothing and the likes to “Black” (women) who whine and bemoan their lot in life… but can afford a trip to Chicago and an afternoon at a television studio. Likewise it is with Ellen, who will perform the same circus stunt for “White” (trash women) who sob tiny little tears, wailing the atrocities of the men to whom they’ve spread their legs in feverish copulation and have been left alone with the results. It’s exhausting, annoying and lethal. But today, as again I sat to eat my 25-cent portion of Ramen Noodles, as I have done daily for almost 7 months now, even after an 8-hour day of either bicycling over some 80km of back roads to run errands, or working on cleaning an old barn, gardening and landscaping, or going to my “job”, having lost another opportunity for more work hours today due to the absence of a motor vehicle of my own, it came to me: My “goal” is completely wrong! For the past 7 months I have been saving each and every bit of my income that I possibly can. As I’ve already pointed out, I “live” on one portion of Ramen Noodles per day (except on special days or days of particularly excessive hunger when I treat myself to a second portion). I have been diligent and strict with my savings toward the purchase of nothing more than a vehicle that will get me safely from house to work and back again. It has been a terribly long venture. I have asked for assistance… from “Public Assistance” and from “Social Services” and the likes. I have tried the internet “Crowd Funding” approach when the previous two resources informed me of the facts I’ve already stated with regard to women and children, and my chats and appointments have all terminated with the same sentiments spewed at me: “Sorry there’s nothing we can do to help you. But you’ll do just fine. Good luck… NEXT PERSON WAITING…” Even with “Crowd Funding”, a mere 5 or 10 dollars is obviously asking for someone to give up a week at the spa, a month of steak, a new chemise… something more important than a reliable means of rural transport, not so I can gallivant about the country-side, but so that I can get more work hours and get me on my feet on some steady ground, pay my debts (that are forever mounting), meet my obligations to others and perhaps have a bit more to save for health care (like painful muscles, falling teeth, and such). Anyway, today the point in fact came to me, like an Angel soaring from the Heavens above: Hark! (it must have said) Your efforts are impressive but your goal is entirely wrong! Stop saving for a car because at the rate things are going, you will either NEVER get a car OR you’ll simply die trying and will be dead and gone… and the money saved will disappear. No! Stop saving for a car… Get a GUN… go for a delightful stroll along a river-side, off in the wood-lands, where there is peace and quiet. Because you see, saving for a car will be a matter too, too, TOO long a wait. Then, there will be the expense of registration, inspection and such, followed by gas to run it until it develops mechanical or other troubles that will cost even MORE to remedy or repair. HOWEVER… with a GUN… One purchase of gun and ammunition, a quiet stroll to the river for a day of rest, relaxation and rejuvenation… one click of the trigger, a tick of the hammer and quicker than you can say “Change my oil.”… No more troubles… that moment, that day… EVER, EVER AGAIN! – So! Instead of looking for a car that I can almost but not actually afford at the moment, instead of asking about for “help” and being repeatedly kicked in the eyes… it’s time for gun-shopping! One “ckick’boom” no more Presidential give aways, no more biased and prejudiced hand-outs, no more licking shoe-soles begging for even a little help. No more disappointments with self being unable to remedy even personal obligations. No more, no more, no more. Just one boom. – And that said… Hurray for me! Done. - 18.26 I’m fading here. Tired! The computer never turned itself off today. Stacy’s call was to ask me to cover Bakersfield, but I couldn’t because I learned this too late when I went for my own mail at the PO at 10.30. She needed somebody to cover immediately! No car… FUCKED! – 19.35 Just awake from a bit of a “nap” of about 20 minutes. SO TIRED! And I discovered that the odour in the work gloves and from me in general is, I believe, lymphatic fluid! Gross shit! Now I wonder what the hell is going on with my body. What-ever it is, may it be quick… and done. – Last night I’d sent Viv a very lengthy Skype message. She’d been on on Sunday. Things are not looking very well for her. I mean, I know that there were moments when she was about to drive me a little over the edge, but she’s been through such miserable Hell over the years. And now she has to deal with faggots. Apparently, G&D are showing their shit and those mood swings and the drama that fags are known for. And she’s getting the brunt of them. It’s not fair. I don’t want to type something of this sort of message to her for fear it will be misconstrued or misunderstood. After all, I “know” what it can be like. I know “my people”, as it were. And I know how so too many actually require “drama” and will create nasty atmosphere where none is necessary. But really… poor Viv! And now she’s living in the midst of it all. It truly isn’t what she needs. How I wish I could do something to change it all. Right… change anything for anybody? I can’t even change my own shit. – Speaking of which… my guts are bubbling tonight. It was a major effort to get anything accomplished all day today. I sanded the paint-work on the oars… off. Cleaned them again with acetone. The “work” is gone. Then, I wanted SO much to straighten the back barn so that I could do something back there… work of some kind… to generate income. I sat, for the longest while, and dozed for some moments. Tired. Just always tired. If I sit for a moment or so, I doze right off. Tired. But I did get 2 shelves put up, took the wooden box with the little door on it and put a “roof” of cedar shakes on and hung it out-side the door… the work-light can be hung in it when the “fellows” have their little “bonfires”. Why did I do it? Because… just because. – 19.45 Checking to see if Viv’s on-line here. If yes, a chat. If no… I’m going to try for sleep again. No, it seems she’s not on. She worked until 17.00 tonight. As she called it, a “late” night. – Meanwhile and yet, the blurb about getting a gun… I posted it to fessebook. JK and LN. Blocked it from L&B and Lois. Probably should delete it, but I won’t. I’ll check to see the patronising replies it receives and then? To bed. Weather should be OK for an attempt at Metro tomorrow morning. The bike probably won’t make the trip, but the Camels are almost gone and I’ve little doubt they’re part of the reason my stomach is out of sorts. Oh well… – I’m just tired… really, really, seriously tired. – 20.26 No Viv. I’m exhausted. Almost out of smokes. Would like another. Going to try for sleep instead. This is really bad.
Wed.6.Aug:
6.28 Woke this morning at 3.30 to a DELUGE! And horrific congestion in the chest. Couldn’t get air into the lungs. Thought for certain that this was going to take me out. Put the sleeping bag on over me and drifted back to sleep until the alarm at 5.35. The smell of something cooking, the sounds of chairs scraping the kitchen floor. And now, L. is in the parlour. I’d heard B. talking about them having to do something about the car today. I wonder… but then again, I don’t. – There was a Blazer on Crgslst last eve. 695$. Here, in Fuklin. All it said was that the engine and such are “good” or something to that effect. I’m 45$ short… SHORT! FUCK ME! But I’ll give a call for the “bad” and see. Can’t hurt to ask, eh?
I can’t afford the reg. and the new license and such and all, but having the vehicle would be a plus. They’re gas guzzlers, but I don’t have to make any “long” trips any more. I’ve nothing to travel for.
If it would get me to work and that’s all, that would be fine. But, no sense in getting any hope. No sense in that at all. – Meanwhile, I have to check when Métro opens. My body doesn’t feel up to making the trip today… not at all. But, if I can, weather permitting… the skies are clear, the roads are dry and the gulls were just returning to the lake as I had my smoke… what have I to lose? And if, for some twist of good fortune, I collapse at
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Bedford today, I was coughing up the nastiest brown phlegm! It was horrid! With the congestion of this morning and that shit coming up… I don’t know. But by the time I got to Bedford, the brown was gone and my lungs started clearing. And tonight? All’s well again… even no congestion. It’s “American” tobacco products… they’re murder weapons (as if nobody knew that already). – OK. A jot to Viv… nothing from her. And now, to try for sleep. Tomorrow’s forecast is “RAIN”, I should be going into Sheldon (of course… in the RAIN… AGAIN!) Madame is bringing Jester for blood-work tomorrow… but hey! They don’t offer me lifts and I don’t ask. Still not costing them a damned thing to have me here. (Of course, it’s costing them more for gas for the car since I always filled the tank when I’d use it… tough shitso kids!) – And on that… Day is done!
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Thu.7.Aug: 5.50 RAINING!!! I’ve got grit in the eyes, woke with a sneeze from sinuses packed, and RAIN! I’m supposed to look at that Chevy Blazer this morning, at 8.00, SOME-where in Sheldon. OK. So I learnt that Sheldon isn’t all that huge and not that far away. BUT… NOT in the rain! NO! NOT again! NOT for a car so that I can get more hours, make more money and pay back rent. NO! NOT in the RAIN! Phone is off, I’ll try a bit later during the day to see if I can do this “look” thing in better weather. But NOT IN THE RAIN! NO MORE BIKING IN THE RAIN! I just simply CAN’T! – Now… on with the day. I’d like to go right back to sleep. Can’t think of why I shouldn’t . But I won’t…. Not yet, anyway. –
Each ten years of a man’s life has its own fortune, its own hopes, its own desires. Goethe
Mine now… is to sleep.
9.04 Dream: And you won’t see me dancing… A song. I liked it very much. A woman, who changed with different appointments she had with people. I watched her change, clothes, looks, everything. From young, with Christmas lights in her hair, to maidenly, then business. It was at night, I was on a porch across the street. I was watching, and floating about to the music played some-where… “And you won’t see me dancing…” I liked the song very much, although it was rather sad but dancable. – I’ve looked it up on-line. I could swear it’s a line in a song I knew… I can’t find it. This dream… another Lembrook.
11.09 And I’m still in the bed. Just having cleaned the images and files and shit on the lap-top. The sun is now coming out. I’ve had the phone turned off all day. I wonder when Jester and her lady-ship will be leaving. I have nothing to do per-se and at this hour, I’m not even going to bother going over to the PO for any “news”. I don’t want to turn the fucking phone on. I’m not really tired but not really in the mood for anything at all. It was too chilly and damp to get on that bike this morning. A wasted day… I’ll pay for this… no doubt. – 11.38 Went for a smoke and a chat with Jester. His appointment is… at any time. OK. – Thunder is rolling all round! The sun is miserably hot when the clouds clear and then suddenly, the breezes blow cold. And the thunder rolls. Who knows what the hell this day will be? And her lady-ship is still in bed, asleep. I want to be too. – Took my dump and brushed my teeth and now? Nothing. Screeching halt. I’m a bit disappointed with me about the car, but I can still phone during the day, try to make another appointment. Tomorrow is Friday. I won’t worry about it. I simply can’t. I don’t have the stamina anymore. – Was thinking: Whilst Jester is in hospital, I expect to catch the brunt of all shit. Since it will be only the 3 of us in the house… I’ll be “told” and no doubt “scolded” and such. And, there will be nobody to cook for “them” and if they sit to eat, it will be only the 2 of them. Oh… this should be interesting. I have to find some place to go to… Odd… I don’t have the “fight” in the “fight or flight”. Just… RUN! – 11.44 a brief flash of “pink” lightning and a rumble of thunder. Yup… perhaps I’ll just go back to sleep. I’m hungry too… for something sweet, hot, cooked. I have… nothing. – 19.51 Showered and having a tin of soup… and oh, it did rain… in St.A.! But not here! And I didn’t get my act together until after noon! BUT…. ALL of the black-eyed Susans are out of the meadow and in the yard! – When the 2 left, I bolted to the market to get 2 tins of soup and some rolls, cookies and ice cream (of course), and PopTarts (of course) and bolted back to eat the ice cream (of course) and then… headed out the door to the yard. – What a strange sort of weather today. DARK clouds all around, miserably hot sun and then, cool breezes. I expected tornadoes and such all day, but we got nothing of that sort. Although, I’m to understand that St.A. got hammered with deluge (but that’s the report I got.. who can say? Eh?) – I weeded Daisy’s garden a bit this evening and brought in 2 zucchini, and some cukes. (I availed m’self of a cuke, a couple tomatoes though… Not bad at all. Nothing like fresh from the garden… and not washed… just dusted on the pant leg. I mention, just in case…) – 2 calls from the guy with the Blazer. I was out of range for all of the day but this evening got a signal all the way in the back! I’ll have to phone him tomorrow. What the hell? This might be THE vehicle I need. No way to know unless I go. Tomorrow… – 21.31 Well, no word from Viv again. But I left a little message for her. – The house has turned-in for the night and me? I’m actually in pain. Digging, planting, weeding. But it’s a “good” pain… or so that’s what it’s called I suppose. Pain from a day’s work. Fuck me anyway. – B&L have asked that I clean the “garage”. They’re ordering pellets for Winter already! I need to get them some money! Damn it! If I could get the car I could get the hours and get the money! OK. I need the money more, but I just feel “obligated”. Well, of course I do. I re-posted the “HELP!” request on Twtr again tonight. I think I’ll put it out on fessebook again as well. Time to get rid of the what-ever it is that stops me. – Meanwhile, I’ve eaten (if it can be called that), even the cookies. Hunger tonight. Oh, I wonder why. Fuck me. That’s about all I can say. – Time to get the photos and these entries posted and try for a night’s sleep. Here’s to tomorrow and maybe a vehicle (I’m not hoping nor planning. But… what the fuck? Eh?)
Fri.8.Aug: 7.12 Woke with the 5.35 alarm and went directly back to sleep. Woke to the crashing of the Koffee Kup delivery next door at about 6.00. Always such a delight. Cold coffee and a smoke… in the chill of the morning. 14° at this hour. The North Country August is coming in as it will. High of 29 today and should be rather nice. I’m working on bleaching the fleur de lis into the Dickie… nervous about this one. I just don’t have the ‘what it takes’ to do anything “artful” of late. Oh well… I want to repair the “Bear” flag that I’ve had in the room for so long and then, perhaps, put it up on the lone pole in the back yard. I should write to Moe and Ev… and I MUST find the old lease for Richford!!! and get that printed!!! Oh… and there’s the matter of the car. I don’t know, once upon a time these were minor issues that I’d have no trouble with. But of late… EVERYTHING bothers me terribly. “Old”… I just keeping thinking… “OLD”! and it’s fucking me over. – 10.24 Bleaching the Dickies shirt didn’t work… after all the effort! AND… I just went and put the shirt and such into the washer and BROKE THE FUCKING KNOB!!! Trying to stitch the “Bear” flag… it’s a pain. And I’m feeling I should run away… – 12.24 Laundry on the line and I’m taking the swing to the swing until i can dress to clean the “garage”. – 22.15 Just finishing eating and a bit of browsing and SocMed. The bloody “garage” got cleaned today… I didn’t get in until almost 21.00! Fuck! And THEY went to bed! Actually, Ms.B. came in from work, “felt bloated”, went out for a Philly Cheese steak and onion rings and went directly to bed. Twats. – I’m tired. Put in an e-mail for a Corolla from Crgslst. Not what I’d wanted and it has a break line prob. But… Hey! – 22.36 Just in from the last smoke and WOW! Just WOW! The air is a clear as it can be and the moon! Not quite full but BRILLIANT! GLOWING! SUPER! SUPERB! It would have been THE perfect night for sitting round a fire in the yard, even though I have to be at work tomorrow morning. I couldn’t help but think: Oma’s OK. And she’s “here”, some-how. Just amazing! It was a “3D” sort of sky. The air is still, there was a dog baying in the distance. Too bad there’s the drone of some kind of traffic. What I wouldn’t have given to be out some-where where there was NO sound at all. Just so amazing! – OK. So… a bit of catch-up (as the bloody traffic picks up on the road out-side…). – I got my clothes washed and as I sewed the “bear” flag for “them”, they dried on the line. It felt wonderful to have line-dried, clean clothes on. BUT… I was done with the sewing at about 14.00 and, stupid me, I intended to only begin on clearing the “garage” but got all into it! Moved a couple of barrels into the barn and one of them has some kind of fuel oil or gasoline in it and it leaked… ON MY PANTS! The lower part of the left leg, but… On my CLEAN clothes! OK. So they weren’t clean when I’d finished the garage… and the nastiness in that thing is disgusting! Dust and the stench of shit! Probably dog shit! I’m so sick of that, really. And the stench stuck in my nose and such. But, I kept on with it… until almost 21.00! Jester came out for a bit and we chatted. He was amazed. He thought I was going to simply move stuff from one place to another, but was astonished when he saw that I’d gotten the whole side CLEARED! I managed to say that I didn’t put as much effort into it as I’d done with the barn because I’ve learned that, given only moments… it will look as if I’d done nothing at all… just like the barn. I hope he mentions that in one of “their” little chit-chats. Fuck. There’s still quite a bit of “cleaning” to be done. That thing is a fucking mess! Plastic bags buried into the dirt floor! But, I’ll take it in stride. The major “work” is done. – I came into the room at the end of the work and it was about 20.50. Ms.B. was already in bed, and Ms.L. was getting into bed. Me? I just went directly for the shower. I needed to clean and I wasn’t about to sleep in all that dust and shit. – Then, back in the room, I opened a tin of soup, had a roll with, and browsed the SocMed for a bit. I needed “down-time”. – As for the Corolla… I don’t much like that car, and the one I looked at and replied to is quite dinged. But it’s a grey colour… like Viv’s! That would be so funny, to have similar cars. I’ll look at it. And… if the Blazer is still advertised on Monday, I’ll ring and make my excuses and look into it anyway. I’d prefer the larger vehicle. But I’ll take what I can get at this point. As for the brake-line trouble… if I can, I’ll learn how to fix that. I’m sure it’s a LOT of work, but I can have fun learning to repair it. Besides, I don’t expect to need a car for long anyway. I’m just tired of all the bull-shit… in general. – Oh! Got the confirmation on the payment on the phone. That’s done. – AND… I found the “lease” and made modifications… I just need to transfer it to a thumb-drive and print. Done! Hopefully all will go well with it. And hopefully I’ll have enough money to get the new license on time. – OK. My teeth seem to have shifted and I keep hearing them grind and pop. NOT good at all. I can’t afford to lose any more teeth. – Oh and this evening I went to the market for ice cream and cookies. Had 2 “Mississippi Mud” things, sitting behind the back barn… quietly. All told, it was an OK sort of day. – AND… I found a bird bath in the “garage” and I put it out in the back yard! Fuckemall! I like it and now it’s in the yard. – Well, that all said and done at 22.55, I really must try for a bit of sleep. I should have trimmed my beard for work, but I didn’t and I truly don’t give a shit. Shirt and tie… who the fuck cares about the rest? – Not really tired, but… tomorrow.
Sat.9.Aug: 6.21 Herzlich Gerburtstag Liebe Oma. – I didn’t bother waking to the 4.30 alarm. Barely woke to the 5.35. But now I’m “up” and not too thrilled with the day. BUT I realised, this morning, that instead of going to the library to print the docs I need… they can be done at the PO! I’m a fucktard. Truly and wholly and completely. So I’ve put the docs on the thumb-drive and here’s to hoping I can get them printed. – I looked at the garage when I went for my smoke. No doubt there’s going to be a comment made about the clutter on the “house” side. I’m not finished with it, but there’ll be comments. – I was skimming through some of the documents on the thumb-drive and noted HIV test results for SB. Imagine! And here, in VT! They were neg. of course, but still. AND… I was looking at the photos taken of me in Jericho!!! BONES! I’M A MESS!HIDEOUS! THIS “life” MUST CHANGE! No… it MUST END! – This morning is passing too quickly! I’m not going to rush into the office this morning, since I know I don’t have to open until 8.00… I’ve been giving this fucktown all this extra time.. Why? Because I’m a “nice guy”? Nah… Because I’m a general fucktard. Not this morning though. – Ah… sun-shine. Who the fuck cares? – 14.41 What a fucking DAY! Didn’t get out of work until almost 14.00 again! (BUT… I GOT THE LEASE PRINTED! FREE!) A quick stop at the market for ice cream and into an empty house! Been on-line… Thinking of a nap… quick and quickly! – 21.24 JUST out of the shower and sitting to Ramen. The garage is now, as far as I’m concerned, “done”. Hey! It’s amazing, what I can accomplish around this place. And, I managed to re-re-arrange the back-barn. I put 2 pallets down, moved the “work table” and now the bikes are stored back there, off the concrete and such. I have to protect them… they’re my transport! – Just before I’d done with all the work, B. came out the back door, as I sat having a smoke, and asked “Are ya hungry?” I replied “No. Not really.” We’re having hamburgers and fries on these new pretzel rolls.” We discussed how NYC had them quite a while ago. Apparently they’re a “new” item up this way. But I never said I wanted anything. I DID, however, want a drink of water or coffee or something to finish the work I’d started and when I got into the kitchen, sure enough… there was another burger in the pan. I simply chatted a bit and when L. said “You should fix your dinner.” I came to he room for my coffee. – Later, Jester and I were chatting in the back-yard and I made mention of the offer to eat and actually said “I don’t know why he even bothers to ask. He knows the answer is no.” I wonder if that’s oging to get back to them and what sort of response it’ll get. Not that I give a shit. I see it that I’ve put so much work into this property that I’m not actually in their debt. I keep thinking: I use precious little electric, water and such. I occupy un-heated space and the likes. But I work… on property that isn’t even mine. – Anyway, the work for this day is done and I’m a bit amazed at how long I worked, to get it done. – Took a gulp of the V8 tonight… it’s fermented already. But I drank much and tossed the rest down the drain before showering. I now have a new “water bottle” – They’re having no fire again tonight. I feel it would be a nice gesture if they’d do so, I mean, considering the weeks to come for Jester. But they all rather “retired” rather early. I told Jester: “I’ll bet if I went out there and started a fire, everybody would be packed and out back.” Rather true, I suspect. But I won’t, because I”ll put in the work, but I will not put in the entertainment and leisure. Again, for the past 2 days, I’ve worked on this place (this time, on request) and not so much as a glass of water was offered. So? So…. – Interesting note how-ever: “Thanks” posted on fessebook… by B! I’d posted some photos of the barn, flowers and such. Rozie and Fran did a “like” and B. posted a note of “Thanks”. I dodged: Ya can’t blame me for it all… Mother Nature provided…” etc. Me… Altruistic to the end. – And so, tonight, I enjoy a v-ton (the vodka is done now) whilst watching a utube video of a “Fry and Laurie” reunion special. I’ve down-loaded a copy. But it was quite nice to watch something pleasant and enjoy a drink (as much as is possible these days), some-what similar to the days in Richford. Thinking back to those nights… I enjoyed them, in spite of the bitter cold in the house… sitting alone, wondering what the fuck was wrong with SB… and today? I think of what’s gone… the writings, the clothes, the documents… screwed… by SB and Nancy… and… quite honestly, the rest of the world. So many are so ready to jump to the aid of those who do fuckalljackshit nothing… I bust my bones and muscles… and I’m fortunate to receive a “like” or “fave” click on some social media. Honestly? I wouldn’t make any of them an offer to eat shit directly… No, I am NOT “appreciative”… not at all… – Wow… it’s gotten quite late. It’s going to be a difficult morning tomorrow… but I don’t give a shit right now.
Sun.10.Aug: 0.15 A Ponder at Last Smoke
Have you ever stood
in the absolute silence of all that is not
the “civilised world”
looking out into the infinity of a night sky
not dulled by the lights of human-kind,
surrounded by the magnificent madness of full-moon light
casting a phosphorescent blue upon all
save the blackness of silhouetted pine
spruce and fir
and thought
not with your mind but with your absolute core
from the very essence that is the marrow of your entire being…
I just cannot live like this
any more?
9.46 Turned the phone alarms off last night. Didn’t much care when I woke (and prayed I wouldn’t, of course). Woke moments ago and am just in from a smoke. It’s already miserably hot out there! Really rather disgustingly hot. Jester is in the kitchen, texting,as it were, and the house is quiet, save the traffic on the road. Sunday. And the date has gone to double-digits again. Another month… another month… more expenses. Another month. And I am full of dread. – Morning. Another day. – 20.19 The front of the barn is clean (again). The rose bushes are pulled back with wire (pain in the arse!!!!). There’s a picket fence in front of the Black-eyed Susans in front of the barn. Chicken wire round the clematis flower bed. Jester’s brother is up for the night. And I’m showered, waiting for the Ramen to “soak”. And… it’s hot and a bit on the muggy side. But I’m showered and they’re ALL in the parlour. How lovely. But Bob, Jester and “brother” came to the yard, they went to the back (bluets no doubt) and then sat for a few moments at the picnic table and B. actually told brother “You should’ve seen this before! Jude cleaned the barn, and the garage and takes care of the whole place.” Gee… wow… I do believed I’m under-whelmed. – Anyway… now to relax a bit. Browse a bit. “Eat” a bit… if it can be called “eating”. I had 3 small ice cream “samichez” and a “Cream-cicle” earlier…. the cream-cicle was shit! Not much on the stick and the ice cream was only half! Fucking shit. I DO hate being alive. I just do. – 20.27 No word from Viv again… I wonder… But I keep sending little notes to her via Skype. When she’s ready… – L. just drove up. I guess he went to the concert this evening. I’d have liked to go this time but truly, I was BUSY! And… honestly? I’m rather happy I did the work instead. It looks nicer and… I’m happier to have done the work. – OH! THEY all ate dinner, I wasn’t even invited. But after they’d done, B. told me that there was more stew… just told me. OK.
Mon.11.Aug:
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7.26 I just did NOT want to wake up this morning. It was another late night last. Almost mid-night by the time I got to bed. And this morning, the 6 PopTarts I ate are already trying to pass. – The house is awake, of course. Big day for Jester… And the hollering for “Lahyuuuuul”… well. Hell. Even B. was awake at 23.30 when I went for my smoke. And yes, he’s here this morning as well. I cant help but think: They met Jester on-line for “play”, they had him dragged out of the house in the middle of the night in the cold… in HAND-CUFFS… slapped him with a cheque for 500$ in the dead of Winter… have chauffered him about from here to BTV and such. And this morning, he’s the best thing that ever happened to the world. Oh well. – And this morning’s first thought was… oh, this is delightful, just as I went to type it, I lost it. It had to do with me and the efforts … oh… “Why, suddenly, am I being ‘thanked’ on the SocMed, and last night, mentioned in a photo of B. in his new running shoes?” Why, suddenly, am I being ‘thanked’ for the work at all? – Well… as I thought last night: I wonder who’s going to be the one to cook their meals? Do their wash? This morning, Dixie took a dump in the yard… I wonder who’s going to be the one to pick up after the dogs? It surely won’t be me! Surely… I’ve got some plans to work on things during the coming week. I’ve got to go look at cars. There are things I need to do. (I have to figure how I’m going to get any pay this week, since I have to work on Friday and I’ve nothing really, on hand. Well, I actually DO… but it’s the car money and I don’t want to get near that. Still… With a car, I’d be able to work on Friday and get to the CU. But…) This is going to be an interesting week ahead.) Oh, and then, there’s the “company” for “Lahyuuuul” during the day. – Meanwhile, I have to take a shit and the loo is occupied. Oh well… in time. It’s not as if I’ve never had to wait before. – So last night, I had a camomile tea, nibbled PopTarts (6 of them, all told) and watched some “Vicar of Dibley” on utube before bed. A nice way to un-wind… although a v-ton would have been better. But… these are the days. – I have to make a wash today as well… HAVE to, as a matter of fact. There’s a pliers at the machine. The fucking glue-job didn’t wok. Oh well. I’m not worrying about it. No sense. – Stuff… shit and so forth. – And just in closing for now: the back yard light was on last night when I went for a smoke, I turned it off. It was on this morning when I went out… I didn’t bother to turn it off. And when I woke? The first thing I smelled was that “skunk”… somebody woke this morning and got stoned. Honestly. – It’s 7.42 and I believe Jester has to be at hospital by 9.00. B. mentioned something about being in St.A. by 8.00. And her ladyship is still in the loo. Just another day in New England. WHAT the actual FUCK? – None of my business… PANTOUTE! – 17.46 FINALLY FINISHED with work round the yard, some that I intended to do and some that I didn’t. And I’m showered and sitting to a tin of soup and a roll (had 2 little ice cream “sundaes” and a “,90lb” container of macaroni and tuna salad…3,50$ fuck, for “lunch”). B&L and “brother” came back to the house at some point this afternoon, sat at table in the kitchen and ate their subs or what-ever and were gone. Apparently, I walked in for my glass of coffee and disturbed them. Fuckalls. I don’t much give a shit. – B. posted a photo of Jester on fessebook! Bed gown and such. REALLY! The stupidity… like school girls, the lot. – Me? I…. trimmed the roses, cleared the dead stuff out from under, then made a bit of a “fence” for the front flowers (hopefully just enough to keep the fucking dogs out), mowed the front bit of lawn, took out the box alders from the South side of the house behind the roses (which I did NOT intend to ever do). Stopped at the PO where all was well. Took the dogs out to pee (of course, MeixiMarde won’t… but that’s not my trouble… I know she’s out of sorts because her “life-line” isn’t here, but… – Anyway… time to eat a bit. I think I’ll have to head to HOME tomorrow for even 2 packs of smokes. Hopefully weather will co-operate. – 19.28 Apparently. Jester went into surgery at 11.00 and was still in at 14.30. Thus far, no further word… on fessebook. I’ve done eating. Had a smoke and took the dogs out for a second time. MexiMarde is having a tough go of this, as I anticipated. – Forecast for tomorrow is favourable for a trip. Now to figure what to wear and to get out of here EARLY! I wonder what time the other 2 will be back… and if they’ll be bringing “Frank” (brother) with. I’m ready to get to sleep, but it’s miserably hot in this room at the moment, and I know that when the others return, I’ll be rudely awakened and re-start the sleep cycle… if I actually do that, else I’ll be up until mid-night again. Alas… – 23.45 Been of fessebook. Dropped out of the group of old NY photos. Fuckers telling me that the stories about immigration that Oma and Opa told were lies. The group’s been reported, I’ve dropped out. – But Robin Williams… dead. –
Tue.12.Aug:
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Wed.13.Aug: 7.15 Heat. Nerves. And donut cramps this morning. The garbage is out. As I had my smoke, a hawk, in the pine tree over the bleeding hearts… plucking a bird… breakfast. And the skies are grey, the clouds are visibly soaring over-head and the wind is blustry. – I kept hitting the “snooze” on the alarms this morning. Annoying at best. And all I keep thinking about it not being able to pay debts and get the car. Another morning. Robin Williams done himself in. I most likely should do the same. – Although I did figure that if I get up on time on Friday morning, I can make my trip into St.A. and be back on time to get to work. I just MUST be out of this house by about 6.00 or 7.00 at the very latest. And there, more cause for cramps. – Last night was quite much later than I’d planned and I never did get to have and enjoy my beer. Oh well… it’s there for another day. – Time to check today’s weather… as of yesterday it’s to be terrible travel weather. Oh well. And I should trim my beard and finger nails. I “should”. Probably won’t though. And there are notes I should write… Moe, Fran H. Notes. Artsy notes. Something. I don’t… I want my fountain pens back. More shit to think about. More horrible memories of.. gone. – Another fucking day… just another fucking day. No reprieve. – According to the météo, the storms should pass by about 12.30 but at 10.30 or so, we should be hammered. Ducky… simply ducky. Fuck me. Really. – 9.38 Well, the rains are upon us. I’ve SocMed’ed most of the morning, posted all onto the Journal. And the rains are upon us… until this afternoon. The cramps are still in full swing. I’m just up from the 2nd smoke and they struck again as I stood out-side. Nerves? What-ever. And there’s nothing much I can do with this time right now. Well, there is, but I’d rather rest… sleep… snooze. And I do believe I shall – 14.53 Well…. THIS day is a wash-out. Rain still coming. I tried to get to the Town Hall to bitch about the dog shitting in the front flower bed… Hours: 8.30 to noon. WTF? So I stopped at the PO, in the rain, only to learn that there’s MORE to be done in a day now! Scanning all sorts of bar codes and such. Honestly! No more hours, but more work! Oh well. I still actually enjoy the job. – I pulled 10 from the car fund to get Camels. They taste like… indeed… shit. But, there’s nothing I can do about that and I’m grateful I had that bit of cash on hand. – Got my beard trimmed today and nails done. I need a hair-cut again too. AND I NEED to make a wash! But the wash will probably have to wait… tomorrow morning, I suspect. – Word is: Jester’s blood pressure is too low and won’t come back up so he might not be discharged tomorrow. I mentioned to L. that Gatorade is rumoured to help with that. “If he had any money, I’d call Bob and tell him to pick some up when he gets out of work, but he’s on fumes.” Well? You have to have the top of the line phone, candy, treats, snacks… all sorts of jewelry and shit. Fuck! I have to do with-out AND I have to pedal my arse about the county. No sympathy here. AND EIGHT FUCKING TONNES OF PELLETS got moved yesterday. Right then. – Learnt that the old guy with the dog had been fined and such for letting the damned dog shit on peoples’ lawns. Oh well. When I can, I’ll add to the complaints. I don’t fucking care any more. – OH NOTE DU JOUR: Young Master Vailencourt from the Dick’s across the road noticed the “Hotel Glidden” sign this morning and pointed it out to Mr. Burt Maytard. They had a bit of a chuckle o’er it. I wonder what will come of THAT and when. Tough shit, the whole affair, then. – Other-wise, it’s now 15.02 and I’m looking forward to going back to bed and to sleep. I’m hungry as all hell and there’s a soup and some Ramen here. I’m having a hot coffee with sugar and creamer to stave off the hunger. – This “life” is just too much shit. – And the young girl in the market said, as I walked in to get my smokes “Thank you. The pellets look great.” Ah… the shit’s about to circulate. And again… Nope… don’t give a shit. – Now, to entertain me… some-how. – 21.07 In bed with the warmer on! It’s more damp than it is cold but the dampness is making it uncomfortably cold in here. Even my fingers are feeling the cold. Yep… OLD! – Well the day was a wash-out… completely. I accomplished nothing, went no-where, spoke ever so briefly with the other 2 and that was about the extent of it. Maybe, if Jester doesn’t come back tomorrow, I might make an effort and sit with them, if permitted, tomorrow evening, in the parlour. I probably should. I don’t know for certain. – No word from Viv this evening. I left “emoticons” on Skype for her. – Re-did the CrowdFunding blog and went back to the GFM. Posted to fessebook, Twtr and Tmblr. I seriously doubt anything will come of it. – I hope I can get a wash in tomorrow, but if this weather clears, I’m off to HOME in the morning! Or, as soon as possible. I calc’ed today: I’m going to be paid on Friday but I have to get to the CU on Monday and get a money order for the 48$ for DMV! This is SO fucked up. Broke all the time now. I can’t live like this much (if any) longer. I’m sick to death of it. – Anyway, there’s a peppermint tea steeping. I never got my cookies or anything to nibble on before bed. I had one Ramen all day. Not enough. And I have to say: things like straightening the bed are becoming painful… It knocks me out! GOOD! Maybe I’ll head out on the road one day ever so soon and (hopefully I’ll make it across the border) and drop. I can only hope.
Thu.14.Aug:
7.10 Laundry is in the washer and L. is in the parlour. The dogs are waiting to be fed and I’m just waiting to be asked to feed them. The sun seems to be wanting to shine. And I’m feeling rather like shit. Ah… just another day. – I woke in the middle of the night to pee, then with the alarm and then I went back to sleep. No big deal. I still have time. The border doesn’t open for another hour and the roads are still drying. And if there’s even the slightest chance, I’m going HOME today! – 8.42 Skies are clouding, the wash is in the dryer. My SocMed requests for help with funding the car have just gone to waste. People are shit… Daily reminder… People are shit. No, not true. People aren’t even up to the level of shit. And ‘m looking at another day on a bike, on the open road… and a potential for rain. Thank you SO much. Fucktards. – Water on to boil.. hot coffee with sugar and creamer. Food for the morning. The FS are coming down into the double digits. Not good. Not good at all. It’s only mid-month. I’m hungry. – 9.41 Well… the wash is done and Jester is being discharged today. Me? I’m out of here. There are clouds in the sky, and I know that it’s cloudy not bright… but I only have eyes, for HOME today! – 22.10 VIV ON SKYPE THIS EVENING!!!! SHE’S PLANNING ON COMING DOWN ON SATURDAY!!! (OK. I’m hoping.) – AND… I MADE IT HOME TODAY! And Randy came back… and he’s up and walking and sitting and he had to feed the animals because they never got fed today, and he had to take the pizza out of the oven, clean the table, put the dishes away, water the animals… These other two are total FUX! – The trip HOME was a delight! Just clouds all day. And when I got to Metro, the woman at the cashe said to me “I know you want cigarettes, but I can’t remember which. How many would you like?” I’m a “regular” in Bedford now! On the way back, I thought how easily I could just slip up and perhaps stay under Pont Guthrie for the rest of… And then I thought of simply going up and trying to find a job and a place to stay and that would be that. Hey! I can be there for 6 months before having to leave! I wonder… It just might be worth it. And depending… maybe find work through the Winter and help Viv. I don’t know just yet. – Dinner tonight was crisps and Ramen. I put dijon mustard in the Ramen instead of the spice… it was good! Not healthy and not too filling, but good enough. – Oh… and just as I got to the intersection of Morses Line and the Dutch, I got a voice message from Aline and I was on ATT! So I rang her back with a reply! Imagine! ATT there! – Border crossing into the States was really nice today. The bitch from Arizona was there but a guy came out… and chatted! – And… back at the house, I got away with-out having to do any sort of work! Imagine that! – So it’s late. I’m tired. Tomorrow is work in the evening. In the morning? I don’t know and I don’t care. B. might be taking the day off. They’re so fucking fake! – Here’s to hoping for a good night’s sleep… I didn’t shower before leaving nor on the return… but it was a delightfully cool day so… I don’t give a fuck.
Fri.15.Aug: 8.13
DREAMS:
(1) A fragment: Bob… there was something, animals, lifting, moving something heavy that was supposed to be done here, at the house, in the back yard. I was already prepared to go some-where, to do something that I needed to do, something of some kind of importance to me. And, not only was I in a rush to go, I was in no mood to be doing anything about the house. I thought “He’s going to ask me to help him with this shit and I’m going the wind up being the only one to do it.” and just as I had the thought he asked “Would you mind helping me with this?” and then stepped back and away from it all. I started toward what-ever it was that had to be done (which wasn’t evident in the dream) and he snapped “You don’t HAVE to do it if you don’t want to, but you could at least answer me!” In silence, as I began, I thought, to my-self: “Don’t you talk to me in that tone when I’m the one doing all of YOUR fucking work around here!”
The dream snapped into the next….
(2) Dark. As night-time through the whole dream. I was supposed to open the store, a candy store of some kind, or a déanneur. It was in NYC or Queens. A small, rather run-down, little corner store, hole-in-the-wall. I was related to the owner (Jen/Aline) and she had to attend a funeral in the afternoon. But when I got there, she was there. A package arrived, something special, a white plastic bag parcel, like those that would contain medications in the post office. It had to be scanned in a particular manner and she showed me but didn’t explain why or how to scan it. She just did so and the package was put to the side for when the customer came for it. – When that was done, I left to go shopping some-where or to do other things. But I was gone for most of the morning. When I returned, I was late, and rather nervous. She should have been gone, but the store was open! As I got in, there were 2 young, blonde girls, her kids or some kids she knew from the area. They were running the store so I simply walked in and began to do what I should have, with-out talking to either of them. One left the counter and went into the back and as she did, I heard her say, to somebody in the back “He has no excuse.” and with that, the 2 girls and the owner came out, gave me some sort of snarky look and simply left. – I opened a large shopping bag. I’d bought (though that wasn’t in the dream) and bag full of new sneakers. I took one out to look at it and people started to come into the store so I put the sneaker back into the bag and conducted business as usual. – Then, a tall, young man came in with luggage and a box of some sort that was rather torn. Black and orange paper. It had some kind of notes written/printed on it. He was in his late 20’s-early 30’s, had an accent of some kind. There was a younger, blonde woman with him. He handed me a note, scribbled on a piece of white paper and told me “I have permission to come here and she (meaning the owner) has agreed to pay all of the expenses.” I needed to sign the paper to accept responsibility for him. The young woman mumbled something to him… in what I understood to be Hebrew. I asked if she was from Israel and she snapped at me “But of course we are from Israel. What do you think?” I told the man that I had no money to pay for anything “But if SHE wants to take responsibility for you, then SHE can. I can only sign FOR her and for you but I’m not giving you anything because I don’t have it.” – I signed the paper and as I did so, I had a terrible, needle-sharp pain in my mouth. I went into the loo to check in the mirror thinking I had some food particle in there and as I looked, I had 2 small “pimples” on my gums, upper left. One looked as if it was ready to burst so I applied pressure to it and it drained, rather copiously. As I was draining this thing, somebody came into the store so I had to attend to him and as I left the loo, the thing was still draining, into my mouth… I woke from the dream.
*****
8.29 I stopped this morning’s 5.40 alarm and rolled right back over and went back to sleep. I woke at almost 8.00. Last night, I was still awake at almost mid-night so I can understand why I was so tired. Hell, after yesterday’s trip HOME, and the anxiety of thinking that I’d probably get stuck in a down-pour, then wondering what would have to be done when I got back to the house with Jester’s return, and, as always, what sort of attitude I’d be confronted with… I’m always in “Battle” mode these days, believing that I’ve actually worked very hard for my “keep” in this room. This place is depressing me to no end… and, apparently, it’s all coming through in stressful dreams. – Just this morning, as I had my smoke I thought: Robin Williams is now dead… “Depression” they claim. WHY the FUCK am I still here? Seriously and truly… WHY? It’s the fear of going HOME, doing what I “can” to check out of this and failing, only to be found, in some state of mental vegetation, and they’ll keep me alive, in some lock-down, pump me full of medications to prolong my existence… and that will be my Hell… for what-ever reason I may have to “pay” for before leaving this World. Based on the “life” I’ve had… it will be pain and misery before I find the Peace in Death. – Jester is awake. He says his back is “Not too bad” this morning. Poor guy. He’ll be up and feeding the animals and such soon. THEIR animals. – This morning I can’t help but think what “Users” these two have become. To sit about, doing nothing much at all if anything:
THEY planned Jester’s birthday party this year and then left ALL of the preparations and such for HIM to do;
THEY insisted that he bring his belongings to the house and now all is on the back porch;
He’s stuck in this house unable to walk or even bike to anywhere;
HE had to haul wood pellets last Winter;
HE cooks and does the dishes … FOR THEM;
When L’s sister came, HE did the house-cleaning;
HE feeds and takes takes the animals out to shit… THEIR animals;
HE does THEIR laundry;
and all the while, THEY lounge about the place. Yes, they’re benefiting dearly by having us here in this house. The worst part is that Jester has a “romantic” interest in B. and the gift-giving bull-shit, well… there’s something that I don’t do. (And, quite honestly, the work I do round here gives me time with me, away from my own darker thoughts, gives me a sense of accomplishment and such.)This place is rather bizarre. Insane, almost. Thankfully they leave me alone… thus far. – Well, 8.53 and I’m still in the bed. Time for a hot coffee. – I hope Viv does come down tomorrow. It would be nice to have a lift to market. I don’t have much left on the FS this month. I’ve spent too much to eat as I’ve been working, but I do need more coffee. I’ve only one jar left in the larder and a half jar on the stand. But truthfully, I’m already planning for a trip on Monday… into “St. Allbeans”, as Viv called it last evening. – Next oppressive anxiety: the 27th, when I have to get the license renewed. I HATE HATE HATE THAT! (My NYS license is still “good” until 2019! Oh how the World just LUVZ to fuck me at every twist and turn.) – 9.17 Just checked the meteo: High today… 15°! Well! That “Summer” went by quickly! – Henry and Aaron (on ThmpTwtr) replied to my posts of the other night! Sweet people… imagine? – 8.13
DREAMS:
(1) A fragment: Bob… there was something, animals, lifting, moving something heavy that was supposed to be done here, at the house, in the back yard. I was already prepared to go some-where, to do something that I needed to do, something of some kind of importance to me. And, not only was I in a rush to go, I was in no mood to be doing anything about the house. I thought “He’s going to ask me to help him with this shit and I’m going the wind up being the only one to do it.” and just as I had the thought he asked “Would you mind helping me with this?” and then stepped back and away from it all. I started toward what-ever it was that had to be done (which wasn’t evident in the dream) and he snapped “You don’t HAVE to do it if you don’t want to, but you could at least answer me!” In silence, as I began, I thought, to my-self: “Don’t you talk to me in that tone when I’m the one doing all of YOUR fucking work around here!”
The dream snapped into the next….
(2) Dark. As night-time through the whole dream. I was supposed to open the store, a candy store of some kind, or a déanneur. It was in NYC or Queens. A small, rather run-down, little corner store, hole-in-the-wall. I was related to the owner (Jen/Aline) and she had to attend a funeral in the afternoon. But when I got there, she was there. A package arrived, something special, a white plastic bag parcel, like those that would contain medications in the post office. It had to be scanned in a particular manner and she showed me but didn’t explain why or how to scan it. She just did so and the package was put to the side for when the customer came for it. – When that was done, I left to go shopping some-where or to do other things. But I was gone for most of the morning. When I returned, I was late, and rather nervous. She should have been gone, but the store was open! As I got in, there were 2 young, blonde girls, her kids or some kids she knew from the area. They were running the store so I simply walked in and began to do what I should have, with-out talking to either of them. One left the counter and went into the back and as she did, I heard her say, to somebody in the back “He has no excuse.” and with that, the 2 girls and the owner came out, gave me some sort of snarky look and simply left. – I opened a large shopping bag. I’d bought (though that wasn’t in the dream) and bag full of new sneakers. I took one out to look at it and people started to come into the store so I put the sneaker back into the bag and conducted business as usual. – Then, a tall, young man came in with luggage and a box of some sort that was rather torn. Black and orange paper. It had some kind of notes written/printed on it. He was in his late 20’s-early 30’s, had an accent of some kind. There was a younger, blonde woman with him. He handed me a note, scribbled on a piece of white paper and told me “I have permission to come here and she (meaning the owner) has agreed to pay all of the expenses.” I needed to sign the paper to accept responsibility for him. The young woman mumbled something to him… in what I understood to be Hebrew. I asked if she was from Israel and she snapped at me “But of course we are from Israel. What do you think?” I told the man that I had no money to pay for anything “But if SHE wants to take responsibility for you, then SHE can. I can only sign FOR her and for you but I’m not giving you anything because I don’t have it.” – I signed the paper and as I did so, I had a terrible, needle-sharp pain in my mouth. I went into the loo to check in the mirror thinking I had some food particle in there and as I looked, I had 2 small “pimples” on my gums, upper left. One looked as if it was ready to burst so I applied pressure to it and it drained, rather copiously. As I was draining this thing, somebody came into the store so I had to attend to him and as I left the loo, the thing was still draining, into my mouth… I woke from the dream.
*****
8.29 I stopped this morning’s 5.40 alarm and rolled right back over and went back to sleep. I woke at almost 8.00. Last night, I was still awake at almost mid-night so I can understand why I was so tired. Hell, after yesterday’s trip HOME, and the anxiety of thinking that I’d probably get stuck in a down-pour, then wondering what would have to be done when I got back to the house with Jester’s return, and, as always, what sort of attitude I’d be confronted with… I’m always in “Battle” mode these days, believing that I’ve actually worked very hard for my “keep” in this room. This place is depressing me to no end… and, apparently, it’s all coming through in stressful dreams. – Just this morning, as I had my smoke I thought: Robin Williams is now dead… “Depression” they claim. WHY the FUCK am I still here? Seriously and truly… WHY? It’s the fear of going HOME, doing what I “can” to check out of this and failing, only to be found, in some state of mental vegetation, and they’ll keep me alive, in some lock-down, pump me full of medications to prolong my existence… and that will be my Hell… for what-ever reason I may have to “pay” for before leaving this World. Based on the “life” I’ve had… it will be pain and misery before I find the Peace in Death. – Jester is awake. He says his back is “Not too bad” this morning. Poor guy. He’ll be up and feeding the animals and such soon. THEIR animals. – This morning I can’t help but think what “Users” these two have become. To sit about, doing nothing much at all if anything:
THEY planned Jester’s birthday party this year and then left ALL of the preparations and such for HIM to do;
THEY insisted that he bring his belongings to the house and now all is on the back porch;
He’s stuck in this house unable to walk or even bike to anywhere;
HE had to haul wood pellets last Winter;
HE cooks and does the dishes … FOR THEM;
When L’s sister came, HE did the house-cleaning;
HE feeds and takes takes the animals out to shit… THEIR animals;
HE does THEIR laundry;
and all the while, THEY lounge about the place. Yes, they’re benefiting dearly by having us here in this house. The worst part is that Jester has a “romantic” interest in B. and the gift-giving bull-shit, well… there’s something that I don’t do. (And, quite honestly, the work I do round here gives me time with me, away from my own darker thoughts, gives me a sense of accomplishment and such.)This place is rather bizarre. Insane, almost. Thankfully they leave me alone… thus far. – Well, 8.53 and I’m still in the bed. Time for a hot coffee. – I hope Viv does come down tomorrow. It would be nice to have a lift to market. I don’t have much left on the FS this month. I’ve spent too much to eat as I’ve been working, but I do need more coffee. I’ve only one jar left in the larder and a half jar on the stand. But truthfully, I’m already planning for a trip on Monday… into “St. Allbeans”, as Viv called it last evening. – Next oppressive anxiety: the 27th, when I have to get the license renewed. I HATE HATE HATE THAT! (My NYS license is still “good” until 2019! Oh how the World just LUVZ to fuck me at every twist and turn.) – 9.17 Just checked the meteo: High today… 15°! Well! That “Summer” went by quickly! – Henry and Aaron (on ThmpTwtr) replied to my posts of the other night! Sweet people… imagine? –
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17.42 Hair-cut!!! Slip-shod, because they returned as I was just sort of finishing, but hair-cut none-the-less. OK. They left just before I left for work. And work went quite well, all considered. 2,5hrs fly quickly in the evening. (Oh look! The sun is coming through for the first time all day… all chilly day. Just like in Florida: day’s done, here comes the sun. Fuktard.) – I received what should be delightful news but some-how isn’t: Looks like I might be getting the office for a while. Aline accepted a job… in NC! “They’ll ask me if I want to give you the office. Do you want it?” “I’ll have to take my vacation time and some, to get the house packed and on the market and to get my life together down there too.” Time… 6-day work-weeks coming. Nice income… but losing Aline… AND Sue… the whole office will be changing… again. Aline made it clear that this news isn’t for Franklin. Well, of course it isn’t. I want to let the 2 “landlords” know that I’ll be “catching up” again… rather soon. But how? I’ll think of something. Meanwhile, although the increase in hours and income is a delight, I’m still ever so depressed about the changes that will come… and nervous about who will come to take the office next. I’m only JUST getting used to things as they are, I love working with Aline… and now… BANG! There’s a terrible weight on my chest right now… as my daily portion of Ramen soaks in the mug. – Well? Let’s see what tomorrow will be. I’m not counting of Viv coming. Still, that will be just another nail in the coffin, as it were, if she isn’t. – I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t like the change… but I do like the results. I want to go back to sleep… I did that just before leaving for work today. I want to go back to sleep where I don’t have to deal with the “realities” of this existence. – Meanwhile, the other 3 probably went out for dinner and to “celebrate” Jester’s return. So there’s no telling what the rest of the evening will be like. No matter… no doubt it will be the same as ever: me in the room, save my smoke breaks. Oh well. Some things remain… remain. – I certainly wish I wouldn’t. – 19.57 (fucking hour) In bed… in SWEATS with the mattress warmer on! Chilly in here tonight. And I wonder: if it’s already this chilly… what’s to come? I NEED to get out and into a place where there’s heat before Winter gets here! – No work from Viv yet. I hope she’s just resting already and will be able to make it tomorrow. But… as I say… not planning on it. I know better. – Huge casserole of mac’n’cheese on the stove. Fresh from the oven and, of course… with bacon. B. offered some. I passed. I’ve had TWO Ramen noodles… one with a bit of the seasoning and the other, I finished the mustard. I’ll shit my sinuses clear on this. No doubt. But now, having a camomile tea and PopTarts and ready for sleep… please let there be sleep tonight… through to 5.00 tomorrow morning. PLEASE! – I’m hungry though. And nobody knows… and nobody ever will. – 21.50 The house has gone to bed… my stomach is full of mush from the Ramen. I’ve had my last smoke. It’s lightly droozling out there. And I’m hoping for a night of straight-through, restful sleep and an awakening at 5.00… refreshed. Or… never to wake again. The latter would be OK. Not my preference… but fine.
Sat.16.Aug:
5.05 OK. A warm coffee done and Skype is up and no word from Viv over-night. The road out front is dry (I went to sleep to the sound of rain last night), and the wind chimes are chiming. But and so it’s just another fucking morning in Freaklin. My body wants more sleep. My stomach wants to blast itself clean. My soul wants off this earth. But hey! Isn’t it a lovely day? (Honestly… people are fucking idiots… and I must be the king.)
Couldn’t save enough
to buy a car
so I bought a gun
instead.
Hopin’ that you’re gonna get help in time
is like a bullet
to the
head.
“We’re all here
in times of need.”
is what
the message
said.
But when I said
I needed most
I might as well
have been a ghost
so I dumped the hope
put on a car
and got the gun
instead
cause now I know
in time of need
you’re really better
dead.
Yes… I like that some-how. Gee. If I still had my guitar, I might even be able to put it to music! Imagine that! FUCK FUCK FUCK! (Nice way to start the day… Eat shit njpoet… I can write that shit too.) OK. This probably isn’t the best mood to start the day so I think I’ll go have a smoke. – 5.57 ON with Viv! – But my guts are truly trying to blast my brain cells through my arse hole this morning. This is going to be an “interesting” day… –
(Noting at 22.08) The day went right along with not a moment to waste and by 11.35 I was DONE! Only a quick call to Aliine to make sure the 1412 was OK and that was that! – I looked out the window and there, on the porch… VIV! YAY! She came in for a couple of moments and noticed the Janice Joplin stamps… and asked if there were any Jimi Hendrix left. I gave her a sheet of each. Hey! According to my count sheet, I’m 17$ over. This will cover that nicely. – We get right into the car and she’d brought be 3 packs of smokes (the lights, but I’m not complaining) and 2 Coffee Crisps! Said she’d hidden them in the trash for crossing. She’s so careful about that, it’s almost funny. And we were off to Walmarde! – There, I broke into the car funds (MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO ME!) and bought 7 little mums for the front. Hey! They’re actually for me because the town knows it’s me who does the work round here and it’s a couple more points in my favour, should anything be said about “rent”. Fucktards here. And Viv got 2 for herself. I actually got a flannel shirt for working in the barn and the yard. Brownish, of course, and Viv got 2 t-shirts. AND… AND… AND… I got new ear hoops! 20$! Only 10k gold, but they’re the same size and style as the one I’ve had for almost 30-some years. Hopefully the cheaper gold won’t present any trouble. But I’ve wanted a new hoop for a long while, couldn’t find one and for 20$? There is was. So… I also got a bottle of vitC. so I can get back to taking that again. – I paid the whole lot… I don’t recall how much it all came to but the mums were 97-cents each and the t-shirts were 3$ I believe. Worth the trip. – We then went across to “Pie In The Sky” where I had a calzone and Viv had a pizza. Neither of them were “good” but they were something to eat and we both needed to do that. It came to about 23$ and whilst she was in the loo, I got that too. Hahaha. And off we went to Hannafords where I got 2 jars of coffee, a box of “Poopturds” as I call them now, and a large coffee creamer and 4 Ramen. Viv got a little stuffie turtle and she paid that her-self… – Next was a stop at the dollar store where I got SOX! Dark grey, rather like light-weight boot socks. 4 pairs, 3$. I figure I could use them in Winter in boots and a pair for round the room and a pair for in bed when it gets cold in here (unless I get a heater this year… which, if I’m still here, I WILL be doing… and fuck the rest of them… I WORK for the privilege and I’ll be damned if I’m going to freeze AGAIN this year!) – We got back to the house round about 18.00. It had rained on and off most of the day and when we got back, it was raining but Viv came round to the back to help me bring the flowers to the “garage” so I wouldn’t have to bring them into the house. We stood and talked a bit and then walked back to the car where 2 girls stopped in front to ask how to get across the border… as people will. Viv found it amusing that they can get here but can’t get back. Oh well… – We chatted briefly and she was off… with 2 mums in the trunk. (I couldn’t wait to hear how she manages at the border since the last time I spoke with her, years ago, she’d been all “prissy proper” and yet, here she was, with flowers. – OH… she ordered a new percolator at Walmarde which will be delivered to the store and she’ll have 2 weeks to pick it up. Her kettle broke already… won’t shut off. And she says this percolator is cheaper even yet. So she’ll be back to get it… in about 2 weeks… Oddly, it might be on my b-day. Imagine that. – So, she went off to the North to HOME and I came into the house to find the 3 of them seated at table, drunk! and John was here as well… tipsy. They’d had a large dinner (with corn, which I learnt John husked and tossed the husks out the back door… fuck that shit, I won’t be picking that up!). As Boob put left-overs into containers, he actually asked me if I’d like some mac’n’chees… I declined… but they threw the top crust away! What a house o’shit-tards! ANYWAY… I got A radish from the garden…. not bad… not great… but imagine! I got A radish! – Then, John left (of course) and Boob and I went out for a smoke and we talked. I told him that I’d be getting more hours because Aline will be going on holidays… part truth and he admitted to knowing that the reason I never got more hours is because I don’t have a car. I’ll bet Randy told them that I mentioned having given them all my money when I should have gotten the car in the first place. BFD as they say. But he didn’t mention any money I may owe them. So that was OK. – When John left, he made compliments on the front flowers but thought that I’d only just put in the Black-eyed Susans… drunk and off he drove. – It was about 20.00 when Viv finally got onto Skype… SHE MADE IT WITH THE FLOWERS! She said it took her about 20 minutes to get to the border and 30 minutes wait with all the traffic but that the flowers were there with her. Hey! GOOD GOOD GOOD! We chatted just a bit because we were both rather tired but she seemed in a better mood. She’s gone through quite the ordeal with this move. As I understand it, she was promised that the place would be ready by the 7th July and the contractor finished only on the 21st! Wasted all her time! AND… that when she told the contractor that she’d been promised by the 7th his response was that he’d never work for G&D again… She and I discussed the issue at Walmarde’s today… I told her that’s why I don’t associate with Gay men… they’re all about dramatics… and will create shit where there isn’t any. – OK. So by about 21.00 we were off-line and I am having a tea and “Poopturds”… although I’m still really really hungry… this will have to do.! – For some reason, the room stunk like incense burning to the point where my eyes and throat were burning! BUT… when I went out for a smoke, the rest of the house didn’t smell of incense at all! I wonder WTF that’s all abut. – Well, time to sleep. I want to plant the mums tomorrow, rain or shine. If anybody asks… they’re my b’day gift from Viv. Fukkem! Fukkem all here!
Sun.17.Aug: 9.17 I slept, literally slept through the morning alarm. Never bothered to turn it off. Woke, at about 7.00, to a bed strewn about, pillows every which way. B&L both awake shortly after. Why? Why today? And it’s raining… steady rain and mist. And chilly. Not August at all. – I’m hoping they settle in the parlour so I can get the little mums in out front. I’m not too thrilled that it’s raining all the while, but I think I can get the flowers in quickly, in spite of the rain. Why do I even give a shit? Really. – 16.13 Napped for most of the day, waking about 12.30 and headed to the flower bed… the mums are planted. Now to figure a way to keep that fucking dog out of them. But that’s for tomorrow when I’ll other-wise be stuck here… – Poor Randy! Honestly! He’s own in the kitchen, cooking dinner for the bitches! her Ladyshit is flounced. The other one is sleeping on the bed. Randy isn’t supposed to be doing all the twisting ad bending and yet, they have no trouble knowing that he does the cooking and the dishes and cleans the fucking dog shit up from the yard. Oh… I’m about to become QUIT comfy in this place… indeed. Fuck the both of them. I just told Randy: They’re living quite nicely with him doing all the inside work, me doing all the out-side work and them doing nothing. He tells me that Boob’s a bit miffed because her ladyshit does nothing at all. Well? Tough shit, that. And me? I’m not worrying a bit about a thing! – Oh… Boob ordered a new knob for the washer. Woop! – I’m waiting for my Ramen to soak.. cocktail sauce tonight. I hope it works well enough. I’m actually quite hungry.. and there’s only but abut 48$ left for food for the rest of the month. Where the hell did the 300$ go? – Oh too… the house will now believe that the mums are my “birthday present” from Viv. – 21.43 Well OK then. The mums are planted. I’ve an idea to use the pallets for fencing. Tonight’s dinner was Ramen with cocktail sauce. I’m still hungry as all hell. But Viv was on Skype and we had a lovely chat! So my day is complete. – Poor Randy’s BP is LOW LOW LOW. At the rate he’s going, he’s going to be hauled out of here in an ambulance. The only thing Boob did for him was to go through the yard picking up the dog shit. I was playing Frizbee with Dixie as he did so. I’ll be DAMNED if I’m going to pick it up! Not my dogs, not my responsibility and as I said to Randy earlier: they live quite well with us doing all the work round here. Fukkem. Truly! Franchement. – Anyway, I could use a light shower but I’m already in bed. Need to jot yesterday’s events and try for some sleep. I want to get the “fencing” up tomorrow and if I have any energy left, perhaps get to the CU. I need to get a money order in order for DMV! Fucktards, them. – 22.08 as I catch-up with yesterday, i just remembered: Randy told me today that he’s broke again! They spent his income again! Honestly? If I ever have to toss their shit to the open winds… it’s going to be quite the story. – 22.20 Very odd: there’s a prop plane flying over the house tonight. I find it odd that I even notice, coming from such an environment where planes over-head are so common but I’ve some-how become aware of them here because it almost never happens. Still, I wonder what a plane is doing over Franklin at this hour.
Mon.18.Aug: 0.00 to lights out at last!
– 7.24 Lights back on. The “day” begins. Fuck me. My right nut is sore and my bowels feel as if they want to explode. Nice commencement. – Jolly-jolly. Eh? – Tying to decide between the wood and a wire fence for the front of the house. Something to keep me busy. I can’t help but think of all the work… always something to “do” round this house. Ah… when I leave, nothing will be done and it’ll go back to looking like “1313 Mockingbird Lane”. Good! It’s like everything else I’ve ever accomplished in my life-time… Disappears. No trace. I have to get that GIF on here… “They’re erasing you.” – 19.54 Almost the “55”. – Just out of the shower and having Ramen with cocktail sauce tonight. – As I showered I noticed that the mole on my chest got “shiny”, almost like a blister, and when I went to squeeze it… it’s bleeding. Cancer? At last? I wonder. Not “worry”… wonder. – I was out the door this morning by about 11.00 and got to work getting the fending down form the upper barn and cutting it in half for about 31 feet… with exposed ends up, of course. Then, out to the front and… BINGO! It looks great! MUCH better than the idea I had to use the pallets. And the “tines”? And added attraction. YAY ME! Evil little me! YAY! – But as I was installing, the gal form the market popped her head out the door and called over “Excuse me! You’re doing a great job. It looks wonderful. Thank you!” I laughed!!! And when I went over for ice cream and Poopturds, bread and a soda she said “You’d think somebody would gt you a cold drink. I should call over there and tell them to give you a cold drink.” And… we laughed. At least somebody in town knows… and I’m certain that by now, MOST in town know the truth about this place. – Next on the agenda was to “tidy” the roses. They needed a little trim and so they got it today. – In between… interesting chat with Randy. (It was already 14.00 by then! The morning slipped right by… when I was having fun…. fuck me.) He looks like all Hell’s shit and not even warmed over. Says he’s in a bit of pain in the hip. Hadn’t taken his BP but I’d bet it was LOW! As we chatted he mentioned: Seems her Ladyshit sat on her fat arse all morning, playing with the phone AND REFUSED to do the dishes from last night’s dinner! PLUS… the bitch TOLD Randy what to prepare for dinner tonight! WELL!!! Blob is refusing to pick up the dog shit from the yard because it bothers her. Poor Randy! Honestly! How the tables have turned… against him. Well, it was bound to happen and after all… they threw him out in the middle of the night, in handcuffs and he stayed. And let them bring his life up here! So? There truly isn’t much that I can say about the situation. I’ve been the “odd one out” since he arrived. I pulled back and away for the drama and bull-shit and the rest of them went right along. So? Although I do feel for the guy… Especially when I came back into the house to see him WASHING A SINK FULL OF DISHES!!! Her ladyshit said she wasn’t feeling well enough and bloob said he “worked all day”. Fucktards. The lot of them. And then Randy said (looking like complete shit by this point of the day) that he’s fed up with it but is afraid to say anything for fear he’ll be thrown out again! Indeed… I do believe it’s time he and I had a little chat about the “law” and how HE’S in a position where-by HE could have THEM on the very scathing side of the law. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything to him. But I’ll see if the opportunity to do so presents. Oh… and he had to feed the animals as well because her ladyshit didn’t bother. How kind. WHAT a total couple of SHITS these people are! Oh well… Me? I’m not going to let it bother me. Either of them comes at me? I’m in the courts and they’re scraping to pay fines. – NEXT…. I went up to the upper barn and found a window that fits the back window of the “garage” and, with the help of the electric drill this time, I put that up on the out-side of the broken window that’s already there. And, as I was doing so, her ladyshit comes out to schmooze… do I still have those things I’d made form the garden stakes… they looked like eye-brows on wither side of the steps. Madame like them and wanted them back out front! No, they were still together… so I put them back. WTF? Why not? And then put the window up on the “garage”. Teehee… I work more around here than the owners do… The town knows… let them TRY pulling some shit on me! Fun times to be had there! – For the rest of the evening, I was in the back barn working on that rocking chair. I managed to get the old upholstery off but now I need a cutting instrument (blade), scissors, some tacks and some kind of fabric to re-do. I’m not thinking about it though. I’ll do with what I have and not give a shit… so long as it looks good enough… and only “good enough”. It’s not mine and I won’t ever “get” it, no matter how much work I put into it… and there’s no place in the house for it. But… it keeps me busy and out of the house and away from the bullshit. – And so, that brings us to the beginning and here I am… Logged onto Skype and no word from Viv. But she said either tonight or tomorrow. She’s probably exhausted… she looked quite tired on Saturday. – My eating is done. Ramen and 2 rolls… I’ll have Poopturds later. – And the house is quiet. her ladyshit was sleeping in the parlour when I came in. I’ve no idea where Randy is and I do believe that bloob is in bed, pouting over something. Good for it. – I have to find something to wear over the boo-boo. I staunched it with the Neutrogena wrinkle stuff… a little Alpha-hydroxy… for what-ever reason. Oh well… If it’s CA, so be it. – I want a smoke now. – 20.50 Just up from a smoke. Her ladyshit fed the pets and actually had the audacity to feign concern for Randy! “He was in terrible pain today. Bob called me at 12.30 and had me check on him because he said he’d worry about him all day if I didn’t.” FUCK! These two are quite the piece of work! Liars to the end. Well… good to know… Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a chat with Randy… try to put some peace into his mind. We shall see. – Meanwhile… I’m having a camile tea with my Pooptruds and then? One last smoke (or not) and to bed! This day is … a fuck.
Tue.19.Aug:
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Wed.20.Aug: 6.27 Awake. That’s about the extent of it. With daemons a-plenty, first thing in the morning. – Just realised: for weeks now, I’ve been “existing” on basically bread and water. And vitC. Imagine that. – Time to go. –
945 nap and out – 17.54 Randy’s just back from the ER. Seems (as B. told me when he got back t othe house at about 16.30 and came to the back barn) L. took him in at about 13.30. WELL! As if….
| BUT… WHAT I JUST SAW SHOULDN’T BE AMAZING NOR NOTE-WORTHY BUT… THE CAR PULLS UP, RANDY AHS ALL TO DO TO GET OUT OF THE CAR, FROM WEAKNESS, AND L. SIMPLY LEAVES HIM TO IT AS HE TRIES TO CARRY TWO SHOPPIMG BAGS AND A VERY LARGE (GALLON?) JUG OF GATORADE! THEN, AS IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, L. HANDS HIM ANOTHER GALLON JUG AS HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR! AND HAS HIM WALK UP THE FRONT STEPS! MEANWHILE, B. IS LOUNGING IN THE PARLOUR, WATCHING TV! |
This house is so completely fucked that it’s actually making me sick to my stomach right about now. Just sick! – To capture the day… it was only one event: I FINISHED THE CHAIR! OH YES! I’M DONE!
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This means that I’m completely done with ALL of the chores I’d wanted to accomplish around this dump… and MORE! But my “list” is done, complete. They can fuck each-other or themselves, with various house-hold utensils. But me? I’m WRAPPED! And this evening’s arrival of Randy certainly helps in that respect. To be sure. – I spent quite the while trying to figure what do do with the back of the chair and decided to simply add another burlap bag. Well? It’s not “perfect” but DAMN the thing looks good! I have to post before and afters… probably to fessebook as well and see what kind of response/reaction it gets… those fuktardz as well. Eat shit. – I scythed the weeds about the veg. garden a bit. When I think of how I was looking forward to “them” enjoying the crops and such. Fuckarses. And now, poor Randy can’t even try to enjoy it at all. since he planted, I’ll pith in with the maintenance. – OH! I took a stop over to the PO this morning. Cecil stopped me along the way and we chatted. The first thing he said was: “YOU’RE DOING WONDERFUL THINGS OVER AT THAT HOUSE. IT LOOKS VERY, VERY NICE.” We almost … ALMOST got into the affairs of the place but I ended that with “I’ll make no further comments other than to say ‘Thank you’ because it’s nice to know SOMEBODY notices. I try. It’s a worth-while effort for the most part and it takes nothing to make the town a little more pleasant.” And we skipped to the topic of politics and the over-throw of governments, the infestation of radical muslims and the sort. Seems there’s a suspicion of involvement with them here in town… Phone company. Imagine. But, that’s rumours. – At the PO, Aline is expected to BE in NC or SC or… ON the 5th of October!!!!! She HAS the job indeed, and she’ll be leaving mid-Septembre! I have 4 weeks to earn how to run that office! I’m excited and nervous and anxious… for me AND for her. She has to sell the house, find another one, pack, move, re-settle. And me? I’m thinking of the same: car, get the fuck out of here! AND my anxieties rise when I think of what could happen in the interim that would knock me out of having the office. Not that there’s an excess of people who WANT the office… let alone, people who want to work for the PO these days. But, maybe this is the “break” I’ve been looking and waiting and working for. – So, to wrap it up: No gratitude or compliments about the chair, as a matter of fact, the response was: “Put it out front on the street with a sign ‘For Sale 300$.’, nor for the work putting up the plexi on the back barn windows, nor for RE-re-cleaining the front barn. Nothing positive said when I mentioned having 2 weeks coming of full-time work when Aline goes on vacation (which is true). And… I’m still absolutely sick over what L. just did to Randy and how B. just laid there… As he said earlier to me “I work all day.” as if nobody else around here does. Fucking shit, the both of them. – Now, at 18.15, I smell food cooking and my Ramen should be cool enough. I wonder if they put Randy to work in the kitchen. I wouldn’t doubt it. – 22.48 to sleep! I hope. I went out for my last smoke and as I left the room, her Ladyshit was lounged on the bed and the end of the hall, in their “chambre”, as it were, naked and “posed”. Horrible sight. When I got to the back door, with Dixie, the little hook-eye was latched. Now, had I been out there, having a smoke, I would have been locked out of the house for the night. How charming. Ah, hits are subtle. (I wonder if this would make a good book… Speaking of which, I need to get back to the Max book! That needs to be published before I kick-off) – I posted the pictures of the chair on fessebook. 2 folks had some lovely comments. Alex even said “Id sit in that!” and “It would make a great drinking chair, with those wide arm rests.” Even Vicki “liked” it. B. simply “liked” and not commented, but I made certain to say that he saw the chair and liked it so I restored it. There can be some delights in this SocMed shit… and all the while, the wings’n’halo remain. Fukkit all! – One quick addendum… I don’t recall the entire DREAM from last night/this morning, but I dreamt that I lost another tooth. I was talking with some-one and another molar just fell out. (Italian superstition is: dream of losing a tooth means some-body is going to die. I was rather concerned about Randy today because of this.) – OH OH OH… Moe’n’Ev’s Lois postes to fessebook how terrible she’s doing of late because of all the stress of having to attend her mother and father in their time of need… she’s got hives, high BP and something about somebody having a wisdom tooth removed. Can you fucking imagine? And the out-pouring of sympathies!!! WHAT indeed the ACTUAL BLOODY FUCK?
Thu.21.Aug: 6.38 I slept through the alarm this morning and woke at about 6.20. It’s hot this morning. Well, it’s warm and I’m hot this morning. Clammy. Randy’s in the loo. He slept, as far as I know, through the evening and night last. – As I opened the back door, my first verbal statement of the day: “Fuck you.” Delightful beginning of a day. – It’s looking like rain. There are some lilac-coloured flowers growing in the veg. garden that I’m thinking of putting out front. I don’t know why… well, yes I do… the Town knows who’s doing all the work round this fucking whore-house. And that’s points in my favour. I can’t help but recall how Ev said: “You endear yourself to people.” I still don’t know if that was a compliment or an insult. Either way, the Town knows who does the work. And I can’t get it out of my mind that B. believes that because he went to work, he’s entitled to come back and lounge here, doing nothing. This is HIS property and he puts no effort into it. Shit! He’s probably waiting for me to do the work on removing the back porch! Yeah… FTS as ’tis said. – I’d like to bring the other chair into the room and work on the one I’ve had all along. I have a few ideas for it but I don’t know that getting the other chair up here will be easy. I’m not feeling “well” this morning: very congested and as I say… clammy. Oh well. We shall see what gets accomplished. We shall just see. At least I have enough smokes to last through to Sunday, and a bit of cash on hand for more. So, no necessary bike rides in the rain. – Speaking of which: I had a DREAM: I had to get to some-where, I was either Homeless or on the verge and at some sort of “hostel” for students, An acquaintance or some girl I knew was moving in. One room with a bed and a chest of drawers, lampe, desk and chair. The room was nice enough and the rent was almost incredibly inexpensive. I was thinking how I could easily decorate the room and “live” there, but one had to be a student at the university and it was only available for the school year. I was there at some sort of meeting for some purpose and I had to get to where-ever it was that I needed to be by a certain hour. I left the building, got on the bike and as I got to the main road (a highway of sorts), the road was wet and there was a large puddle right at the right-hand turn! It hadn’t been raining at all, as I remembered. But the road was very wet. Some cars were stopping, not wanting to go further, even thought the puddle was only at the right-hand edge of the road. Nothing was really washed-out on the road but there was concern about it. I was concerned about having to ride the bike IN the road, on the highway, at the turn, to avoid the puddle. I took the bike round, through the meadow to avoid being on the turn on the pavement and when I approached the highway again there were others, on bikes and walking, talking about the danger of the road. – That was all of the dream I can recall – 20.30 Just settling in! Showered after a tin of soup and a roll. Having oatmeal cookies and waiting to the camile tea water. Then, a smoke and… – I’d been in the barn from since 11.00 this morning. Took the rocker from the room out to the barn and all but dismantled it, sanded it, tied it back together, put a couple of screw in. Tomorrow, if I’m in the mood at all, I’ll do the new backing, throw together a cushion for the seat and call it “done”. I don’t really much care at this point. –
26 years ago today….
at about 2:00pm, I sat at the edge of her bed. I wiped the sweat from her brow, replaced the gauze padding on the oxygen mask that was burying itself into the flesh that was now merely hanging on her drawn face. She gulped a bit of air and oxygen and silently nodded. It was her only way of expressing thanks. She could no longer speak. Then she turned her head, looking for the wire attached to the “call”. She needed assistance. I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom and she silently nodded.
“Do you have to go badly?” I asked her.
She nodded.
“Do you want the bed pan?”
She shook her head… no.
“Would you like me to help you to the commode?”
She nodded, and I helped her up, out of the bed, and with all the care in the human soul, together, we slowly worked our way to the bed-side commode where I gently sat her down, drew the curtain and told her to move the curtain when she’d done.
Moments later, the curtain fluttered, as if by the calmest breeze. I drew the curtain back a bit and helped her to her feet. She wiped, privately, and we both moved slowly back toward the bed, and I helped her to the mattress, drew the sheet up under her arms and raised the head of the bed… and we talked.
“I know you can’t speak” I began, “and if you want me to shut up, just raise your hand. But there’s something I’d like to tell you and I know you’ll understand me. You and I both know where this is all going and how it’s going to stop. All of your children are here today. (She and I were alone… the others had gone out for a bit of lunch. I stayed behind, wanting to be with her for as long as I possibly could be.) I don’t know what it is you feel you have to finish, if anything. I can’t imagine what you feel you have to fight for at this point. The truth is, yes, we’re going to miss you terribly. And yes, it’s going to hurt deeply and for a very long time. But nothing hurts more than seeing you suffer the way you suffer now. We’re OK, you know. You’re kids are OK. Are we perfect? Not even hardly. Could we be better? Oh yeah, sure. But we’re fine. We’re doing fine. And we’ll continue to do fine, because we had the best preparation for life that any kids could ever get… and we got it from our Mother who was always the best parent a child could ever hope for, and the best Friend anybody could ever hope to have in a life-time. So, if you’re worried about us, you needn’t be. We have all the faith in the world in you and all that you taught us, and we all know that you always did your very best for all of us. And me? Well, there isn’t one thing that I could even imagine that I lacked, not even one thing that I could even lie about and say that it wasn’t the best.
You’ve been, in every respect and sense, the very best parent, the very best Mother and, for me, the very best Friend that I could dream of. I have no regrets about anything and you shouldn’t either.
But seeing you suffer like this is a pain worse than any pain that any person could bear. And knowing that you’re struggling for time to take care of something is, well, just silly at this point. Nothing is that important… nothing at all. If it was, you would have seen to it already, because, that’s how you’ve always been: prompt, efficient, Loving beyond description and Caring beyond any words.
Please, just one little favour? Remember how you felt when you watched your Mother dying in that bed 5 years ago? Remember what you truly wanted for her, more than anything you’d ever wanted in your life? That’s what I want for you now. The very same thing, for the very same reason. OK?”
She lifted her upper body from the bed and pillow, opened her arms and leaned forward toward me. She put her arms around my neck and with the palms of her hands, she rubbed my back and she pressed her face against mine. And I wrapped my arms around her frail and failing body, gently, but making certain to make as much contact with her as I possibly could, and I too, pressed my face to hers. We sat there, in silence, that way, holding onto each-other as if we were about to leave together for some un-known journey… for the longest while… in silence. It was a time when all the languages known and un-known failed and became un-necessary.
When, after a while, we heard the others returning, we separated, and just stared into each-other’s eyes. And I quietly said, looking directly into the depths of the eyes of the most precious blessing I’d ever had from the moment of my conception:
“I will NOT say ‘Goodbye’ to you. I will NOT. Let’s just both say ‘Auf wiedersehen’. OK?”
She silently nodded, still looking into my eyes.
As the others entered the room, I leaned forward and whispered…
“Ich liebe dich sieben… und immer… LIEBE, LIEBE Mamale. Auf wiedersehen.”
I gave her the very last kiss I would give her, got up from the bed and silently left the room, went down the hall to the exit to the back-yard garden.
It was about 3:00pm. The sun was shining quite brightly and it was a very warm day. I had my “Walkman” with me and turned it on, trying to tune into a Toronto radio station whilst I waited for the others to leave and come down-stairs… and there, with one slight motion of the dial, the music came through:
Edith Piaf… “Je Ne Regrette Rien”.
I looked up to the window of my Mother’s hospital room. The sun-light bounced off it, illuminating the small garden where I was sitting… “Non…. rien de rien…. Non… je ne regrette rien.”
26 years ago tomorrow, at about 10:30am, the hospital staff went into her room to find her… at long last… at Peace.
She’d always told me:
“If you see something that needs to be done and you can do it… do it. Not for the ‘thanks’. There are no ‘thanks’. Do it because that’s as it should be; something needs to be done, you can, so do it and move along because there will always be somthing else that needs to be done that you can do. And if all the world would be like that, doing things simply because they need to be done, can you imagine how wonderful it would all be?”
I’ve lived every moment of my life-time by that. And when I do something, and someone says “Thank you.” I tell them:
“If you’re happy, don’t that me… thank my Mum.”
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I posted to fessebook… selfish tards probably won’t make a notice… except AnnMarie… who noted almost immediately.
Fri.22.Aug” 8.09 Woke at about 7.45 blankets on the floor
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Posted to fessebook this morning:
Twenty-six years ago today, the most magnificent human being any-one could ever hope to meet, let alone come to know, departed this world as we know it, to be, at long last, in Peace. She was, in fact and in all Truth, the very best parent, the very best Mother and the nearest and Dearest Friend any child ever born could imagine.
For 21 years she suffered, in silence, brutal abuse, beaten, berated, often abandoned, scorned and yelled at by the man whom she’d married, in love. But through it all, she smiled in public, and with her children she laughed, sang and danced. She, in fact and in Truth, gave her Life to her children, protecting and providing for them in every way possible, and even more. Even when it was obvious that her own strength was diminished, she would gather her children, her “Friends” together, to either prepare a special meal, or to take to the roads, to travel about, stopping for a special treat of ice cream, or a burger on the go. She would put records on the Victrola, and with the music, dance and sing with her children. She was there in times of tragedy. She was there in times of grief. She was there in times of joy and in times of elation.
She celebrated “Life”, not by the day, but by the moment. Laying on the grass, looking at the clouds; sitting and watching, and listening to the rain.
In 1962, on a beach in Montauk NY, on a chilly and rainy day, she sat, watching the waves roll and pound against the shore and listening to the gulls as they foraged for a meal she said: “It’s peaceful, the way they call out. But in a way, it’s almost sad. Sometimes they sound lonely.” But she so loved the ocean, the waves, the open sea.
But she delighted in the shapes, sizes and colours of the shells along the shore-line. She remarked at the number of stars in a night sky. She comforted her children through thunder storms, dazzled by lighting and rolling along with the thunder. She comforted her children, protectively. She noted and spoke on the many varieties of wild-flowers along a road-side or in an open field; the vast differences of each and the similarities, and how, with-out planning or planting, there they were, blooming in all their glory.
And she delighted in her Home-town… New York… The Bronx… and Manhattan. Riding the subways, her pulse seemed to match the velocity of the train. To her, there were no strangers aboard. “New Yorkers are kind people… ‘real’ New Yorkers are very kind people.” she would say as she glanced about, noting a particular hair colour, or the style of clothing, a pair of shoes, a hand-bag. And rising from the under-ground tunnels and stepping onto the pavement of The City, she vapourised, into the air. Her energy was the energy of the city around her. SHE was New York and New York was her! It was symbiotic: each gave and took their very energy to each-other. She spoke with people, often, complete strangers, always deeply interested in their comings and goings, their lives, their thoughts and observations. She could “luncheon” in comfort with the upper-most yet, as one evening in 1975, seeing an old woman sitting alone late one night in a New York City McDonald’s, she immediately took her tray from the table where we sat, brought it over to the table where the woman was slowly nibbling, and politely asked “Would you mind a little company for dinner?” And there they sat, enjoying their meal, chatting as if old friends.
She gave, no matter what. She believed that no matter how little she may have, there was always someone who had even a little less, be it a sweater against the cold, one meal, or a dollar. If she had a sweater and a jacket and saw someone with-out either, with-out a thought, she would make certain that the other person did not go cold. As she said:
“If you see something that needs to be done and you can do it… do it; not for the ‘thanks’… there are no ‘thanks’. Do it because it needs to be done and you can, and then move along, move on. There will always be more that needs to be done. And if everybody in the world would do just that, imagine how wonderful it all would be!”
“If I have 3 dollars and you have 1 dollar, together we have 4 dollars. With that 4 dollars, we can go to the store and buy something to eat that we can share. We can buy 4 dollars’ worth now, that we couldn’t buy before with only 3 dollars or 1.”
She wasn’t a Liberal Socialist, she believed that everyone should work at something, if only to contribute to the better of all. But, she disapproved of those who believed themselves “entitled”.
“There are precious few actual ‘entitlements’ in this world. Everything requires an investment of some kind, be it work or something other. And those who believe themselves to be ‘entitled’ need an education in ‘work ethics’.” But for those who appeared to need, and those who actually expressed “need”… she would rise quickly and silently, do all that she possibly could and then… she’d move along
26 years ago today, Life, as we know it, was taken from a woman who LOVED “Life”! From its darkest moments to it’s brightest, she LOVED “Life”… and at the age of 55 years “Life” was taken from her. And from the World, one of its greatest assets was taken. Even the man whom she married, who fathered their 4 children, the man who subsequently abused her said, at her funeral and even long after: “She was a special person… none ever before like her, none ever again”
She told me, when I was a mere child: “I’m not afraid to die. I don’t believe there’s a Hell after this. THIS is Hell, seeing people suffer, having to work so hard, sometimes just to stay a-float, knowing that there’s so much hate and animosity in this world and that so many people don’t care. THIS is Hell, with the good times that we miss when they’re taken away and the bad times that weigh on us. No, I’m not afraid to die. I don’t believe in Hell. There is no Hell after this. After this, there’s only Peace.”
And on the 22 August, 1988, at about 10:00 o’clock in the morning, my Mother, my Best Friend and Comrade, breathed her last in this “Hell”… and found Peace. I have no doubts, no questions about that fact because “there is no Hell after this… After this, there’s only Peace.” And today, my Hell is the void where she once stood. But one day… soon…
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20.40 JUST sitting to Ramen with… CURDS! I broke down and shopped at the market whilst her ladyshit and Jester were off to the MD. There’s almost nothing left on the FS and indeed… meagre days are to come. “Meals” of nothing more than a roll and tea. Oh well… Just… oh well. – 21.46 That was delicious! And now, showered and smoked and in bed. – The response to the postings about Mama today got limited responses. People are shit, in general. I’ve no use, really. Just no use at all. It’s always been that way, is that way and always will be. I’ve even taken to “cleaning” the SocMed accounts. Time to focus on somebody and something “beneficial” instead of this bull-shit. – Having a camile tea and cookies. The FS are DOWN! Tough days ahead with-out food. Oh well. It’s not as if it’s never happened before. – The rocker turned out rather nice today. Almost done. When I’d mentioned it to B&L earlier, L. says “You should bring it up-stairs.” They’re clueless as can be, the both of them. – Randy went to the MD today… The fuktard told him to eat more salty foods: chips and the likes, to bring his BP up. Imagine that! Seriously? Nope. Not for me. I’ll be damned if I’ll support idiots like that. And to think: they suggested that I change my PCP (whom I haven’t been near in about 3 years now) to the one THEY’RE seeing! HAH! – My stomach is churning. I had the runs today. I wonder what that’s about. – And I’ve a STRONG GUT FEELING THAT I’M NOT GOING TO GET THE PO WHEN ALINE LEAVES!!! She told me today that Rachel will be over to the office to learn the “e1412”. And when Aline mentioned to Cindy that I should take the office while they find another PM, the response was “We’ll see.” Yeah… I’m not getting the office. They don’t WANT me to have the office. And I’m convinced that they (especially Stacie) didn’t want me hired in the first place and that had it not been for Dan, I wouldn’t have been. Now they’ll have to try everything the have to get me OUT and I’m sure THIS will be their first joy… bumping me out of the OIC for this office. Well… that’s fine… but even if just for schitzengiggles… I’ll bust chops all the way… Anti-semitism, anti anything I can scrape up… they might not go “down”, but they’ll surely sweat some shit out of their systems when I get going. It’s rather nice when I think: I’ve been IN HELL for YEARS… and there’s nothing that can be thrown at me any more. I just don’t give a jolly doo-dah. – Well… another year, another day of memories. This one was rather OK for the most part, with the work in the barn and listening to the entire collection of Hebrew music all day. A few tears, but I feel Mama would appreciated the day. One of these days, soon, I’ll find out. – Jotted a note to Viv via Skype. – Just finishing the cookies and the tea is steeping. I’ll have the tea and lights out on this day. – Oh… Randy’s next MD appointment? The 27th. I mentioned, lightly, “You can come along with me that morning…” (his appointment is in the afternoon) “I have to go into town to the DMV.” There was talk on the subject of the new licenses and not ONE mention of an offer for a lift! But her ladyshit posted some shit on fessebook about missing her parents and “breaking down” in B’s arms because of it. You know what? You get out of Life, what you put into it. Me? This day is what-ever I want it to be… For them? Shit in… shit out. No sympathy here.
Sat.23.Aug: 5.52 Not feeling “well” at all this morning. Nauseated. Bowels are “off kilter”. I woke with the 4.55 alarm, have had coffee, smoke AND got the cash together for the money order, and made a new “Count Sheet” for the office. – Not in the best of mental affairs. I’m still quite annoyed at the fact that Charles Bivona can post that he needs new shoes and gets all sorts of donations. When I’d posted that “If I made such a request” they’d ignore or come at me with the heavy artillery, the comment from some stranger was that ‘it’s interesting how people can turn the matter toward themselves’. I blocked that arse-hole and cut following Charles on fessebook and Twtr. I’m just annoyed. I asked for help getting shoes… I got the 70$ and that was all. I asked for help getting the car. I got nothing. Yes, I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed at the absence of any gratitude for the work I put into this house… Everything *I* do is an “entitlement”. It makes me sick. And I think of not cooking in this house, not “eating” properly in this house. And I think that the malnourishment is probably taking hold in my over-all health. I’m annoyed that *I* don’t get offers for lifts to errands. I’m annoyed that when *I* don’t feel well, there are no offers to see medical. I’m annoyed that John, a stranger, knows about my business here in the house. I’m just annoyed… I’m annoyed that there’s a GREAT, INTENSE and IMMENSE possibility that I will NOT get the office when Aline leaves. I’m annoyed… and I’m wondering what my options are… aside from chekcing-out of this shit… this unadulterated bull-shit. And I’m annoyed that I can’t and don’t want to associate with this place, this address, this town. I’m annoyed that I don’t want to be “here”… at all. – But this is the beginning of yet, another day… and this beginning is “normal” and “usual’ and I’m annoyed. – 19.55 Imagine THAT! – Just in from finishing the rocker AND starting to put the back barn back to being a barn. – Today… this morning the volume of mail at work was LIGHT! and the morning started to run along smoothly… amazingly smoothly. BUT, of course, as Fate would kick me in the teeth, the scanners went! NOTHING was being transmitted so my reports weren’t getting done! And I wanted SO much NOT to bother Aline today! Then I get a phone call from the Sheldon office. Seems the PM there accessed my reports and wanted to know why they weren’t done. But she was ever so nice about trying to help me. We were on the line for about 30 minutes but… I’d put in a call to Aline because she’d have to know about it. Instead of calling back? I was working on the paper-work when she came in and… FIXED the scanners! All was well again AND I had a chance to “chat” off the records. – I asked her if they though that there’s ANY chance that I’ll be getting the office when she leaves. She said she doesn’t know. And it’s true: nobody tells anybody anything in this PO shit. It’s ALL “Top Secret” until the moment comes. And even then, nobody tells anybody anything. Even Aline said “They’re training Rachel for a reason.” and I told Aline that I’m shocked that I even got the job, because it was Dan who did all the hiring and that I’m convinced that Stacie will do anything to get rid of me. Hey, I may as well say it… no doubt it true. But at least now Aline knows how I’ve felt all along. – Then I found out that the po pulled her “down” in position when she came to Fukline! SO! The back-stabbing continues. It’s not the kind of job one takes to love one’s employer. It’s a job one does because one wants to do it. No matter what, no matter where. – We talked about her moving… from rural to a city. To her, 200k people is HUGE! And indeed, there’s so much re-adjusting she’ll have to do. As she mentioned: from a house (with a lawn) to a flat. I do feel badly for her. Some people can’t take that change. We’ll see. I DO hope that she’s happy after all this. – So, scanners fixed, reports done AND I DID A DRAWER COUNT! 27$ OVER! I’d done my money order for the DMV and didn’t take my change of course and even with the stamps that I gifted to Viv… OVER! NOT BAD AT ALL! I “adjusted” the count accordingly and made a deposit. Now I’m hoping the accounting paper-work balances as well. But still… WOW! – At 13.00 I was back in the house and John was here, sitting at table. I think they were doing it sober today. Anyway, we talked a bit. I don’t feel “a part of” this place and when I’m there, it seems that the conversations become rather “monitored” and heavy. So I make nice and leave. Besides, I was SO tired today. But…. Bobo offered to give John a hair-cut and John went next-door to the market and returned with franks and rolls and crisps. Imagine that. Me? I changed into the dirty clothes and headed back to the back-barn. There’s a chair to finish and some serious “return to barn” work to be done. NOT that I wanted to do it today. I usually nap after work. But, I needed to get the actual fuck out of the house. – “Lunch” today was cash because there’s all of 8$ left for FS. Ice cream samichez, a Coke, bag of “Cappuccino” flavoured crisps (NASTY!), cheese “curds” for dinner tonight and cookies! ANd of course, I had my ice cream and soda in the barn whilst “they” had their franks and such. Fukkem. – BUT, all told? I got a LOT accomplished with the day! A LOT! The old “red” rocker is DONE to the point of being “done”. I’m not putting too much work into it because I’m the only one in the house who can sit in it (the others are too damned fat! to put it clearly). And I’m the one who started using it in the first place. So… it’s “done”. And I started to put the back-barn back to a barn again. I will NOT have it look ANYTHING like space “given” to me. Besides, it’s “give” with one side of the face and “take” with the other round here. And eventually, there will be the “owe us” line. So? The barn goes back. – Tonight’s “meal”… nourishing and rather good: Ramen with the cheese. I might even have my beer! It’s been in here for about a week, if not longer. I deserve at least that much. I’d like a cold one, but, what I’d “like” and what I “get”… and I’m delightfully showered. It feels good to be showered after a day of actual hard labour… not something that most in this house would know. – 21.35 Imagine this: Bobo is in bed for the night. “I made a fire for them.” Her ladyshit and Jester are sitting out back… round the fire. How sweet. I keep thinking: those two… after that incident of throwing the poor fool out into the cold, hand-cuffed! Although, yes, he did rather ask for the shit. Imagine, feigning and over-dose of meds and throwing a hissy fit in front of Dan that evening. Still… the stupidity of it all. Bobo asked me: “Did you have electricity in the barn today?” Seems I forgot to tighten the bulb back and put the electric off! Oh my! BUT, the fun part was when he said that he’d tripped over things trying to figure what was wrong! The barn is a mess! It got hot in there as the sun came round and I just left it as was… in disarray. Well? Good for him! Tough shit. Besides… I’ll leave the barn and it’ll be back to the mess it was before I got here. So? So. – I’ve had my smoke, out front tonight! It was a delight to sit out there, by “my” flower-bed. Another something that I derive no pleasure from, save the fact that the entire town knows it’s MY work and they appreciate it… or so they say. – But now, I have CRAMPS! BAD CRAMPS! Am having a peppermint tea and I’m in bed, hoping that the tea settles the cramps. Gee, is it any wonder? I’m often surprised that I’m even alive considering no food and much work. But, in the end… in the end it won’t matter any more than it does now. Just PLEASE don’t leave my remains in this fuck-hole country! I want to die at HOME… and THIS is NOT “HOME”! – I’m tired tonight and truly EXHAUSTED! It’s late and this day is fucked! The end.
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Sun.24.Aug: 7.30 Up. Coffee. Smoke. Cramps. And smiling a bit: Bobo said that, when he went to the barn last night to make the fire for “them”, he was tripping all over things. Well… Good for you. May as well get used to it because, it shows what it’s going to be like when there’s nobody here to keep the place in order any longer. And, when I looked out to the back yard this morning, the chairs are still back there, no cover on the “fire ring” and a beer bottle on the picnic table. And “Hazel” has left the building. YOU put the shit there… YOU can put it where it should be. Those chairs can rot for all I care. – Congested this morning. Quite. But there’s work to finish today and tomorrow, smokes… a trip HOME. – I still have to figure how to get to the DMV on Wed. – 19.02 And the back barn is now… a “barn”. Straightened and tidied and open spaces and all. Done. Mr. Bobo can now enjoy it for what it’s worth. Not, mind any-one, that he ever will… But, I put it back to a “work space” and NOT an “atelier”. Done. Fukkitall. – And I have not felt well all day. Very “light”, rather weaker than I’ve felt of late. Food? Probably. I have a tin of soup open and a roll soaking as I type. I’ve showered and still feel like shit. Chest is congested. Black soot comes up. Is it any wonder I’m not feeling well? – Ah, but things can’t be all bad. That mole on the chest that started to bleed is now healing. So if I’m healing, I must be OK. So… OK. – It’s “Hay” season already. A truck of bales just left from the meadow behind Dick (Wright) and the trucks are running the road in front of the house already. “Hay” season. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look froward to a Winter with the joy I used to do. I wonder. – 19.16 YAY!!! VIV!!! – (Monday morning…) Well! We chatted alright, on into almost 21.30! To think, I was ready to sleep at 19.00 already. But it was the first time all week and so worth it. My heart breaks when I think of how things have turned round for her. “Friends” become nasty… ah, as in my own experiences. Although, at times, I tend to wonder about it. There’s a touch of paranoia in there some-where and Mina had that as well. Still, this move was supposed to be for the “better” for her and… Then again? The move HERE was supposed to be for the “better” for me as well… the move to Vermont, the move to Richford (SB with his: I want you to have a place to call ‘home’ where you’ll be comfortable.) People, in general, are useless, to each-other, to the world, for any-thing and every-thing. Honestly! – So, as for the day and such, I have to say that it was “accomplished”. I tossed my last 10$ spendable to a tin of coup, 2 little ice creams, a coke and a package of cookies. Money’s gone and food? There’s going to be precious little of that until the 1st of next month. The “car fund” is dwindling. I should be happy I have ANY cash at all. But this biz about going into the car fund is killing me. One step forward and 10 steps back. I’m annoyed and angry. And… as I work round this house I can’t help but think: NONE of what’s been done has been appreciated in the least. Even to where, as I worked in the barn, Bobo and Jester went to the garden to get veggies… the garden that *I* brought back for them, weeded, tilled, re-built, essentially. And now, they reap the harvest … with-out any thanks. Not so much as an offer other than the one radish. There’s no appreciation for all the work on the barn, save the “keep one month’s rent for yourself”… LAST season. No appreciation for snow removal. I’m the idiot in the upper corner room… the “help”, servant. Indeed, there’s rent due. But I can’t help but think: It costs them NOTHING to provide this space. But WOW, do they ever benefit! – OK. No sense dwelling. It’s done.
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Mon.25.Aug:
7.33 Wash is in. Coffee has been had. Smoke too. Copied the photos from yesterday over to the lap-top for … what-ever the fuck. – Woke MUCH later than I’d like but, considering I didn’t get to sleep until mid-night again… Fessebook! Some shit in Winooski, some Muslin shit in Winooski actually forced a business to remove a sign indicating that they sold bacon! This shit is too much now! I stopped wearing my kippa when I came to this shit-hole state to avoid stereo-type but these dregs get away with THIS? Anyway, I got carried away with it all. Oh well… Now to finish my lavage and get me together and on the road to HOME today. It looks to be a “nice” day, weather-wise… but a bit on the hot side. Well? I do what I must. – I’m dreading Wednesday and still trying to figure how to get to DMV and hoping I’ll come away with my license! Oh… “Life” is NOT worth the effort. It just isn’t. – I have to get down to the washing again… Please… that “they” remain asleep through-out. – 8.40 lavage in the dryer. I had to run it through a second time because of all the soap left from the “wash”. Sad… the under-shorts are nice and clean… and FULL of holes and tears. My “life”… – 18.20 I was out the door by about 11.30 this morning. Tried to “fix” the frame on the bike but to no avail. Honestly, when I think about the irresponsibility of these “people” here. But, by just about noon, I was ON THE ROAD to … HOME! The ride wasn’t too bad today. I didn’t have the strength of some days, but it went rather well enough. Of course, I was en route TO HOME and that gives me the strength I need. – The stop at les douanes was quite quick and there was a new face there today. Nice fellow, French. – Ah… as I rode along the Dalpé though, a fawn suddenly darted out from the corn and sprinted along-side of me for a while. It was a delight. A fawn in the corn fields, followed by le Pont Guhtrie. How could I not smile? – Being back in Bedford was wonderful. And today, I put the bike at Métro and walked to CIBC to exchange 100… AND… made an appointment to open an account! I have to be back on the 2 Sept! Woohoo! And the wonderful ladies, tellers, and I, spoke French and I was complimented! So, that set the day along nicely. I was at HOME and feeling energised! (I note usually, that, once across and back, my entire body tends to feel better. Psychological? I don’t know for certain, but it’s a fact.) – A casual stroll to Korvette where I got more nettoyant, lait de chevre. Sells wonderful! And 2 dish cloths instead of flannels. So I’ll be clean! UNfortunately, the cloths are made in Bangladesh. Nothing seems to be made in Canada these days. This world is a mess and I’m glad to be closer to getting the fuck out of it. I miss the days when I could find things made in Canada. But the nettoyant is from Québec so… – Next stop, Métro for peanut-butter and Mae West and smokes (and a sport drink of course). That too, was a delight. But the best? POUTINE at Barry! It was really good to sit, eat, browse the Journal de Montréal in peace, and to EAT!!! – 25CAD left too! Next trip! – Then, a casual stroll back to Métro to fetch the bike and begin the “return” trip. But feeling quite lovely about the appointment next Tues. I hope it will all go smoothly and well. The teller told me that there are many customers who have accounts there. We “Border Folk” do that cross-border shopping and such so there’s really nothing special about it. – The trip back… a woman in a truck stopped me on the Morses Line, in the midst of the corn, to ask directions. I hope I gave her the correct ones, but it was all in French! How wonderful when people will assume I can speak French! HOME! “Bonjour mon p’tit monsieur.” she addressed me. Ah… “mon p’tit monsieur”. Teehee. Should have been “mon vieux”… je crois. – OK then… – Costumes went quite well today too. And, another new face. That was at about 16.00 because les douanes were just closing as I passed. The young “latino” fellow asked “Where are you going?” and when I told him, “Why?” “I live there.” “Oh!”… No trouble, no delays, no anything. Bingo and on the road. – It was round about Mockingbird when I broke into a full sweat though. Drenching! It was hot, but not quite THAT hot. Still… SWEAT! – At 17.00 I was on the swing in the back yard, having a smoke. The trip was done and so too, the day.- When I walked into the house, Jester was in the kitchen. He’s received some sort of gadget for his back. Some sort of thing that sends electric pulses through the body. They claim that it helps bone regenerate. I don’t know. And he bitched about her ladyshit. Apparently, the cats knocked the mini-cell over and the phones went out for a while and her ladyshit, instead of trying to find the fix, bitched until Bobo rang the house and told Jester how to put the mini-cell back up in the window. Honestly! But what I find interesting is that Jester is now getting fed-up with the nonsense as well. As it’s running, those two aren’t making “friends” very well. They’re both quite lazy and Jester is working himself into a state of ill-being. Oh well…. nothing I can do about it. Meanwhile, the other ones were lounging in the parlour… behind a closed curtain… air conditioner running. What-ever. Really. – But I got back exhausted this evening. Had 2 rolls with peanut-butter on and suddenly thought that I have the US40 and can actually go to the market for a sub or something… FOOD. I’d much prefer Sheldon Creek, but, we shall see what comes of it. – 23.14 Day is done. I showered at about 21.40, with the new suds. The fragrance is strong and it makes the house smell MUCH better! – A while on the fessebook and 2 Mae West for nosh. No Skype this evening. I’ll have to check tomorrow, but tonight, I’m just wiped out. Time for lights out on this day… At least I got to go HOME!!!
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Tue.26.Aug: 707 Laundry is in the wash. I’m awake. And I want to be asleep. Anxieties about getting into St.Allbeans tomorrow. Anxieties about rent due. Anxieties. It’s morning. – 7.38 clothes in the dryer, lard-arses in their pick-up trucks at the market. The day in Fuklin commences. – 10.45 The fucking room stinks of flatulence and bad breath! It’s so bad in this house that it comes right through the closed door! Fuck! – Napped… heading out to the PO… MUST get the fuck away from this stink! – 20.50 Feeling like shit. Cut down 5 “post cards” today and sanded them nice. Started one. Not happy with it though. I don’t like acrylics and the ones I have are lumpy (but then… they were a gift from last year and probably on sale… for that reason). But I’m trying. We’ll see. – The day was a fuckup. I went over to the PO to see about how much it would be to post the “cards” only to hear that the office is being turned-over on the 24th of next month AND instead of working the Tues-Sat. when Aline is on vacation? Rachel is working that Friday for the payroll! How wonderful! I’m not being trained for payroll so… that means I’M NOT GETTING THE OFFICE!!!!! AND I’M PISSED AS ALL FUCKING HELL’S SHIT ABOUT IT! I told Lyle and Randy. Lyle told Bob. Lyle’s pissed now and “rumours” are about to start round town. He believes I should get the office. And I do too. So we shall see. At this juncture, I can’t give a shit. Just get me “into my 60th year” and I’ll leave this fucking world peacefully. I’m ready. Been ready. – Missed a Skype from Viv tonight. Oh well. She’s “invisible” or as she calls it “inthevestibule”. So I didn’t know she was on. But I have to get to bed anyway. – Clammy tonight. A shower would be nice but no sense. Tomorrow morning… – I DREAD TOMORROW! I DON’T WANT TO BIKE INTO ST. ALBANS! I DON’T. I’ve eaten only rolls with peanut-butter all day. Not enough. Meanwhile, there’s a fridge FULL of left-overs down there and they’re talking about throwing food out again! Makes me want to hurt something. – None of my business. – I’m having a tea and going to sleep. Fuck this shit.
Wed.27.Aug: 7.23 Fitful night. Didn’t get to sleep until well past mid-night. Woke with grumbling bowels. And had a DREAM:
***
Raining. Dark. (I don’t remember much but…) In a house (this one or…) and the three of them were together and I was passing by the kitchen when I heard Jester mumble something to Bobo and Bobo replied “… he’s out of here September anyway.” and he left to go to the “garage” to leave for the day. So I followed him out of the house and as he was getting into the car I said “You know? It wasn’t necessary to say that. You could come to me to tell me what you have to say.” He replied with something to the affect that the can’t talk to me because I don’t talk to them, and a reference to money owed them. (I can’t remember the exact words he said nor the words I said but…) I responded with some references to having done so much work around the place and how they benefited from it all along and never even said thank you for anything. He got into the car and started to drive away and I followed, saying something admitting that I’m behind in the rent and that I admit to owing and that I could have gone to get it and made life rather miserable for everybody concerned but I didn’t. BUT, since it was being brought up this way AND that I’m to be tossed come September, I’ll be going right now and getting what I can which means they’ll have to appear in court. He said something about that not being necessary and that I should just leave. And I said no, that they want the money and I’ll be getting it for them. This all took place as he drove and I had to walk at a brisk pace along-side the car, in the rain, in the street. And then he apparently lost patience with the conversation and drove away, leaving me in the street, in the rain. I was heading, at this point, to the PA office some miles away. I had someplace else that I was supposed to go to but instead, was heading to start the paper-work to get them their money.
***
Well, I woke from this dream, the blankets on the bed were all askew. I’d woken with the 5.30 alarm and turned it off and gone back to sleep (no wonder, considering the late hour I went to bed this morning). I had a cold coffee and vitC, got the garbage together and went for my smoke. – I don’t feel all too well this morning. Tired, run-down and my knees are a bit stiff for some reason. The sky is partially cloudy but the sun is coming through now and again. It’s really quite warm already too. And muggy. A delightful way to begin a day when I actually HAVE to get to some-where. I dread this day. Just dread it all round. Dread. What a wonderful way to wake. What a wonderful way to begin a day. Dread and anxieties. – This shit about the PO has me generally pissed. The license. No car. The only thing that gives me any little pleasure is next Tuesday. It’ll be good to have an account at HOME… and I’m hoping that THAT will go well and smoothly. Oh well… Nothing in my life-time ever goes smoothly. Just let me make it until Sunday… “He was in his 60th year.” That’s how I want the obit to read. Neat. Orderly. I want OUT of this shit! – 17.22 There’s a house FULL of food… left-overs that will be thrown into the garbage. Her ladyshit and Jester have just returned from the MD (at 15.45) and Bobo just called “Randy, do you want your regular?” “Yes please.” Her ladyshit is headed to market.. Subs! They cry the financial blues, ain’t got no money, had to get the money for the 8 tonnes of pellets from Penny and yet… they can afford to get sandwiches for dinner… AND THROW FOOD INTO THE GARBAGE! Nah… I’ve NO sympathy at all for the lot of them! – Meanwhile, I just had a couple of spoons of peanut-butter and a tea. The only thing all day, save the 2 Mae Wests. Fuck the lot of them. Really. – Didn’t go to DMV today. My stomach was together. I was “running” shit when I went this morning. Stomach’s been churning. Besides, I think it might be better to just go to BTV. Now to figure HOW. – But I finished the first little “post card” on the wood. Not bad. Not great. But not bad at all. Looking forward to trying another… when I can stay awake. I’m tired, even now. Thinking of either a nap or simply going to bed. Trying to figure a way into BTV tomorrow. That would be nice. Friday, off to the CU. Saturday, work. And I don’t know for certain, but Viv may come to get her percolator. We’ll see. – Right now, I’m tired and my bowels are bubbling again. And this shit about the food is annoying me. – OH!!! BEFORE I FORGET!!! *** LAST NIGHT, her ladyshit looks at Jester’s back. The cover dressing came off in the shower ANNNDDDD…. her ladyshit says to Jester “I’d have Jude put another bandage on it.” ME? I’M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT SHIT? ARE YOU TRULY OUT OF YOUR FUCKING GNAT-BRAINED WHAT-EVER-YOU-MIGHT-HAVE-OF-ONE MIND? YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD! Imagine THAT! Line’s are drawn. Go ahead, say something derogatory to me. Just go ahead. – 20.18 I napped for about 90 minutes and so will probably be awake most of the night. How lovely. I’m so hungry right now, just had a Ramen packet in hot water to kill the hunger and it’s made my stomach gurggle. Went to the loo and filled the water bottles to discover that the house is tucked-away. As if they’ve any cause to be tired. Honestly? This shit HAS to END SOON! Make me sick, the laziness around here. I know, it’s none of my business, and it’s my up-bringing and such, but it bugs the shit out of me. – I will try to get to another “post card on wood” whilst awake anyway. Who the fuck knows? They might catch on. (That would be great. I don’t have enough wood to keep making them. My Fate. My “Life”. My shit!) – No Viv on Skype but I left her a message. – I posted a “want” for a lift into BTV tomorrow. No reply. I don’t expect to get any. Me? I ask? FUCK! – On that note… leaving this for now and browsing a bit. I might try to have that beer at some point. With nothing in my stomach, it might just knock me out for the night. Who knows? (With my “luck” it’ll set me rolling for the night and I’ll end up in the barn doing something. Teeheehee. Fuck.) –
Thu.28 Aug: The fucking 2 key is sticking now on this piece of shit! – 13.56 I was awake this morning at about 7.00, after another quite late night… QUITE! I didn’t get to sleep until almost 1.00 this morning. AND I WENT NEXT DOOR AND FOR ABOUT 15$ I GOT A BOX OF RICE CEREAL, HALF’N’HALF, POOTURDS, BREAD AND A TINE OF MINISTRONE (they didn’t have the chicken noodle… fucktards). AND I CAME BACK UP TO THE ROOM AND ATE! And then? By about 9.45 I was back in bed… until 12.33! Yup… Depression is setting in hard. And now I’m re-working the “card” from yesterday. – There was a most disturbing post from Rozie on the fessebook this morning. Reading it reminded me so much of the days in the shelter AND these days here in this place of late. Quarrels, arguments, the general absence of respect. Horrid! Reading it had me in tears. Nobody deserves to be disrespected unless of course, they earn it. And, her account of Montreal these days… her troubles are from two Black women. Ah… Montreal… my Montreal is gone. And this morning, that was verified. I suppose nothing and no place ever stays the same, but I never would have seen Montreal becoming worse. It has. More of my joyful past is dead. Time brings me to accept my non-existence even more now. I will continue loving my HOME, and will always strive to end my days there. And I will always hold, in my heart and Soul, my LOVE for my HOME… gone or not. I am older now, and living in my past more and more… and there is where I will stay… in the happy parts… and to hell with the rest. Meanwhile, I will hope with my all that things get better for Rozie. She too, is an empath, and for some reason, we are the ones who Life tries hardest to eliminate. This world is coming to a point where we are no longer appreciated nor of any use. There’s no place for us any longer. We are truly a dying breed. And what a shame that is. Hopefully, by the time we see our own demise, we will have all disappeared. Peace… to all of us. – 20.27 Getting ready to call this day a QUIT! Got quite a bit more done on the Sheldon Creek painting but in reality, I should be done with it by now. My eyes… 2 sets of glasses and the lighting’s god-awaful. Not to mention I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing in acrylics. But, hopefully, it will all be salvageable. – This evening, I WAS OFFERED A SLICE OF PIZZA!!!! TWICE!!!!! I went down for a smoke as the pie was coming out of the oven and her ladyshit offered… “a slice”. Ah, and when they’d done? There was one slice left… as always. And Randy asked me to eat it so he wouldn’t have to put it in a container. I told him to wrap it. Fuck. It won’t last through the night anyway and why the fuck should HE have to clean a container? That’s my thinking. – Which brings me to: I get the terrible gut feeling that he’s feeling quite and most trapped in this house, and, at last, it’s sinking in that he’s not at all appreciated. But then again, nothing and nobody really is. Those other two are, what I think of as “SO Christian”. Fucking liars, that’s what they are… entitled little liars. Oh well. I still feel terribly for Randy. His entire “life” is now in this house, he has no escape and just under-went surgery that’s not healing properly. His BP is SO LOW and he’s feeling miserable. Well, in a sense, it’s a bit of “Karma” for all the shit he caused back when. But it’s as life often points out to people: I am, when all is said and done, the best “friend” one can have. But then too, I can be the most formidable enemy. – I’m tired and getting head-ache now. Ginger tea awaits. – This evening, I had a tin of soup and 2 rolls… and PoopTurds! Will have 2 more turds before sleep I suppose. Need that for the morning… must to get to the CU and… fuck me very much… pay the fucking phone for next month… especially since I’ll be looking for work.. now there’s a joke. – Not looking forward to Saturday work at all but have resolved: In at 7.30 and OUT the FUCKING door AT 11.30… no matter what. Leave notes. Tough shit. Not “my” office. – No word from Viv this evening either. I wonder if she’s planning on coming down on Saturday for her percolator. I wonder…but I’m not planning on it. I can mow the front lawn. It’s got little flowers growing in the grass and I want it to look nice, no matter what, as long as I’m here. – 22.11 In bed under the covers in the chill of the night. Last smoke. May the morning bring a refreshed me and one who can make this trip into the CU, pay the phone and make it back in pleasure. From what I understand, Bobo is taking the day off… I’ll need to get the fuck out of here before it wakes so as to take the better bike. I keep recalling: *I* am the one who rescued BOTH bikes. *I* have the entitlement to either and both now. Fuck the rest of this bull-shit. And if either or both are taken from me? There are ways in which to re-pay such “kindnesses” and none of them result in much happiness for others. May it never come to that.
Fri.29.Aug: 6.46 Woke before the 5.30 alarm and turned it off. Dozed. Woke before the 6.30 alarm. Turned it off and am up to a cloud-covered sky and chilly temperatures. And… a bit of a churning bowel. Anxieties. It’s another day in paradise. – 8.46 One more coffee for the road. I’ve had 2 smokes, a dump and brushed my teeth. Bobo is here this morning and there had better be NOTHING said when I get the bike! I’m NOT in the mood this morning. And it’s still over-cast and chilly and damp. And my left shoulder and arm are PAINFUL! I wonder what THAT’S from. But, considering nutrition and barn-work and anxieties… WTF? Who the fuck cares? Really. – 17.58 The trip into St.Allbeans is done. Phone is paid through Septembre. I took my sweet-ass time about the whole thing and was out of here by 10.30 and back by 15.00. I also stopped at KFC for a lunch! When I got back, the house was empty so I HAIR-CUTTED and BEARD TRIMMED! And just as I finished that, “they
“ returned” so I re-dressed and mowed the front lawn. Fuck me franchement. And now? Peanut-butter for dinner. 2 PopTurds left for after. And I am SO hoping that Viv will come take me away from this shit for the week-end!!! Not particularly planning on it, but it would be delightful. – Truly tired at the moment. “They” are filling their fucking faces. – Not positive, but quite certain that I’m at the top of a royal shit list at the moment. But franchement, I don’t give a shit. Oh well. – NEED a douche tonight! – Oh, and stopped to check the postes this morning. It would seem Aline is not on speaking terms with me either. Oh well… BFD. – 21.11 No word from Viv about the week-end. – THE ROOM SMELLS OF FUEL OIL!!! perhaps coming up the duct-work from the basement. – Off to sleep. I had the rice cereal for dinner with creamer. Filling. Satisfying.
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4.0fucking4 in the fucking morning and I’m fucking awake, with head-ache. Fucking coffee water is on the fucking boil because there’s no sense in even trying to get to sleep and I can’t figure out why the fuck I’m awake at this fucking hour! I went to fucking sleep just after fucking 21.00! – Well! lovely fucking way to begin a fucking day! – And…. nope. No fucking word from Viv. – (OnMonday, 8 Sept. 6.39) Well! Imagine! I walk into the office and there are balloons, a Snoopy and card, a bag of Chiardelli chocolates, a small jar of jam! For my birthday. (In the card was a 20 too! I wonder! Imagine that, money on the birthday. It’s been YEARS! and most appreciated.) The work went right along and by 11.15 I was DONE! Ready to walk out the door. I couldn’t, of course, because the office must be open until 11.30, but I didn’t mind at all. – I wasn’t packed or ready to travel, as it were, but I waited for a few moments just to see IF Viv would show. When, after a few moments, she didn’t, I came back to the house to change into jeans. When I got in, John was here. I had the birthday stuff in a bag and so, explained it was my b’day. Lyle says to Bob: I wish he’d said something. And Bob’s retort was something along the lines of dismissal. John actually guessed my age at 60 and I made a flippant remark (You miserable prick!) in jest. I’m thinking they all took it quite seriously. But you know? Fukkit! I was joking. The world can joke thusly and I let it ride. Oh well… back to the PO just in case. Stopped at the library to chat with Kathleen about the extra key I’d given them and when I came out of there, Viv HAD arrived! And I wasn’t packed or ready to do anything other than run her errands. – Well then… off we went… to Walmarde, to fetch her percolator and browse. She picked up some t-shirts (again). Then, as we’re leaving, she says she wants to go to Williston! A stop at the gas station (she paid that) and so we were on the 89 headed south. – A stop at the Christmas Tree store where she got something, I GOT NEW GLASSES… 1 PAIR FOR ART (at 2,50 strength… sadly) and 2 PAIR FOR READING (AT 2,50 more SADLY yet)…(and I paid). Next, to Goodwill where there was surprisingly nothing at all. The store’s stock has changed and truly, there was nothing I really wanted in there. I’d mentioned “Mr.G’s/Williston Liquidators” and we actually went over there where I got 10 “Boosts” at 69-cents each, and 4 larger “Ramen” noodles. Something for nourishment. So it wasn’t a total loss. – Then, a stop at A.C. Moore. I wanted to look for a fountain pen but Viv spied a roll of fabric that she said she could use to cover some pillows for the living-room. She got it (I paid… about 7$) and… that was that. We were off to Chili’s for dinner. She had some beef soft taco or burritos or enchiladas or something and I had a burger (not at all worth the investment). When she went to pay the cheque, the machine wouldn’t take her debit card… I paid… another 25$. I’m running through the CAR MONEY! Oh well.. it’s soon “Check-out” time for me anyway these days. Let’s face it: I’m not getting the extra hours at work, not getting the car. I’m fucked. So, may as well use the money and enjoy my last days. Eh? – It’ must have been about 20.00 when we finally got out of Chili’s and I was rather looking forward to getting HOME for the week-end at least. I didn’t want to be in the house, nor in VT nor any-where else for that matter so I rather pushed the issue of going to MTL for the week-end and as we got onto the 89, Viv asked if I needed to stop at the house… Honestly? No… and the next thing… WE WERE ON THE ROAD TO HOME! – Crossed the border with-out a glitch and…. St-Seb. dép for a pack of smokes and a 16-CASE of 50’s!!!!! (I’d SO wanted to bring 2 back but it didn’t quite work out that way… more on that on Friday’s notes.) I covered some of that as well. (Oh… she’d brought me 2 “Coffee Crisps” and 3 packs of “Selects”… again. OK. Ok.) – Ah… HOME!!! BUT… – When we got to the flat… the place is still a royal MESS! NOTHING seems un-packed. Boxes all over the place. Little room to move about. And already the place smells of cigarettes! She just doesn’t give a shit AND blames G&D for all sorts of short-comings and such. Truly, it was tedious to listen to… right off. They did do a lovely job of tiling in the loo. Impressive. A bit too dark for the size of the tiny room, but truly beautiful. She tells that they changed the colours for the paint she’d chosen, to something much darker. But when she told me that she was “put out” of their place… “Vas chercher tes meubles!” as she put it, well… there was a part of me that was upset and yet, a part of me that could understand. Franchement… she IS becoming her Mum: rather suspicious of people and discontent with EVERYTHING. It was, as I say, rather tedious listening to all the complaints about the flat, her life… just about everything. – We had a beer, she gave me shorts and a t-shirt as jammies (honestly… I didn’t stop at the house and brought NOTHING!) and by probably round about mid-night… to sleep. But… I was NOT in the states, NOT in VT… NOT in the house… I was HOME, again, on my birthday! Me? I was pleased with that much.
Sun.31.Aug: (Monday 8 Sept. 7.33) It wasn’t a “late” start to the day but it certainly wasn’t an early start. But the news for the day: Dinner at George and Anna’s this after-noon! Well… at 16.00! NOT A MOMENT LATER! They were having LOBSTERS (WHOLE) for dinner. Apparently, at this time of year, they go on sale and they decided that’s what we were all having. OK. I like lobster but my system does not. But… as Rabbi Lewis pointed out: when food is offered, it’s worse to offend by declining so… We delayed about the house, showering, smoking, having coffee and me, watching Viv do here “Slot Machine” on the Internet. She’s rather addicted to it, I’ve come to learn. She’ll sit for hours… literally HOURS, running the damned thing, all into how much she’s “won”. She does well on it, but truly? All that time wasted and the house is a disastre! – Suddenly… OFF AND RUNNING! To the market to bring something and to the house. – It was a delight to see George and Anna again. I did rather well with the lobsters (TWO EACH!) considering I’d never had to crack into one. It made me rather ill, to think of the process of cooking them and such. AND… I JUST BARELY MISSED THE “POISON” BIT! It was attached to the eyes as I pulled the poor thing apart and the eyes made me queazy, so I put it to the side and Anna asked after the “poison” bit and when George pointed it out… there it laid, on my plate. Truth be told: It’s disgusting to eat them like that. The tail alone is one thing… but seeing the little creature on the plate… it won’t happen again! – We stayed. We chatted. It was a delight. Just the company alone and being back on the back gallerie and being HOME.. just as it should be. – Well… it didn’t take but about 30 minutes and indeed, my “system” kicked me right in the old bowels and I was in the loo! WOOSH! How my body rejects things. Thankfully, I was right there at the loo when it happened. – We stayed rather late but I have to say, I didn’t mind. – Back at the house by about 21.00, a beer, more “slots” and off to sleep. – Ah… sleeping. She snores! It was to be the first of many almost sleepless nights. But, my brain went back to the Shelter, with the noise there, and eventually, total fatigue knocked me out. Thankfully.