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***** ***** ***** 14 MARCH 2022 - BEST-KEPT SECRET OF NEW RUSSIA ***** ***** ***** And the very end of feeling safe at 6690 - The last time I'll feel I'm able to properly protect Yonah. This "dream" has become a constant truly HELLISH night-mare. |
Tue.01.Mar: 6.27 One of the tiniest contractions last night and none more BUT... (of course), though my body TRIED to sleep through the night, I kept waking... almost every 2 hours or so, all through, until (of course) it was almost time to get up. The last hour I remember waking was 4-something. And this morning, my “core” feels “constricted”. Ah... tea-tree oil. All this Hell to get rid of a tiny skin-tag. My arms are just “odd”, week, but stiff, my neck too. Tea-tree oil. Must be. And my sinuses and the congestion. My body is fighting something, to be sure. - Just in from a halfie. It's snowing on the mountains and little flocons are falling down here. Thankfully, it isn't bitter cold, but I'm wondering about the truck starting. I should go to Deborah's... I'd rather not, this morning, but the Yardies need food! I can't be so selfish. And I DO ought to run for ONE pack of smokes... because that's all I can afford this morning. Just to make it through today and tomorrow. Goodness me. - And it's “March”... another “15th” is coming. How lovely to remember 1986 and... what-ever year that was, leaving Margot's and the Millbrook Ridge. I wonder, this morning... “How did Vassar trace me back to that little shit in the valley?” Alas. And to think, it came to “help” and then wanted to back off. “I don't want to take the responsibility!” No. You never had to, so you couldn't even then. It was ME who was walking out and back into Hell... not you. And when I got back, not a question, concern... just a “GET OUT!” Oh well... We can change anything but not everything. As Peter said: No matter where you go, you'll always be you. - Meanwhile, last night, a bit of another “odd” sort of dream:
There'd been a flood, a terrible flood. Paul and Nancy had a garage where I went, routinely, to get the truck repaired (Richie), and it had been damaged by the flood. It was a day or so after and I needed work done on the truck and I wanted to make sure the garage was still in business. I wasn't on speaking terms with Nancy but had no gripes with Paul, so I dropped by. As I walked in, to the left, there was still quite a bit of water along the wall, a bit of a “pond” almost. The TV and furniture were still there, but in the water. Nobody'd gone near to clean-up. The rest of the garage was dry and to the right, I noticed they'd gotten new furnishings for the “waiting area”. There was a flat-screen TV with horrid reception, and some sort of “monitor” that sensed when somebody came into the garage. A computer-woman's voice announced, over some sort of Tannoy: “Morris, there's someone to see you. Morris, there's someone to see you.” I couldn't understand why it called for “Morris” (Moe?) but thought perhaps they'd bought some sort of “package deal” from somebody else and that was the programmed name. Anyway, nobody was in the front, but there was an older man, with grey beard, longish hair, exceedingly over-weight, in the back. I could see him through a window. He ignored me and the announcement and I found that rude, but thought “Ah, now Paul's not speaking to me and has told others to ignore me, should I come along.” OK. Fine then. I turned round to leave, presumably to find either Paul or Nancy to see about an appointment for some work on the truck and as I was leaving, a gal, “LC”, young and all sorts of “young-giddy” came along, all smiley and such. I wanted NOTHING to do with her (as in fact) but she came over to me, making all sorts of attempts at being friendly. I told her that I had more than enough trouble as it was, didn't need HER around to add to it. I needed work done on the truck, Nancy was being quite the bitch and not it seemed Paul was pissed at me as well and I had to find another garage to go to and start the repair history on the truck all over form the beginning again. This “LC” was “bubbly” and smiley and said that I shouldn't worry, that she'd talk with Nancy and make it all good. I wanted nothing to do with “LC” and I didn't want her involved in ANY way and I told her so... and... the alarm sounded....
I'd just gotten to “REM” sleep and the alarm. Apparently, I'd hit the “snooze” on it because I laid there, pondering getting up or waiting for the later alarm, trying to sort out the morning but the alarm sounded again and...
6.47 YONAH'S UP! He called to me. I called to him. He called to me and... when I got into his WARM room, he was already stretching his wings! My little Heart-and-Soul is up, awake, and in good health! We're off to another day... AND ANOTHER MONTH! (As if “months” are anything to him.) Now to see what this day holds for both of us... TOGETHER! (That's the only point that matters at all... “together”.) - 7.26 Morning routine is done. Yonah is making his “woo-HOO!”s. I WISH I knew that those mean. I WISH I understood, actually understood, ANY of his coo's. Ah, but it's another moment when I feel so inferior! He's certainly humbling. I also wish I could get HIS message out to the rest of the world. I don't want “fame” or any particular “notoriety”... but I DO want to instill RESPECT in the species-human. Yes, in order for one to live, one must die... but to MURDER these Little Ones... as some sort of “sport” is unforgivable! Well? We're trying. - Meanwhile, the tea-tree oil is taking quite the toll this morning. I'm feeling, generally, quite shitty! Drippy nose. General malaise. Oddly, no itching. THAT'S usually the worst of it. But today, it isn't the itching... it's “full-body” ICKS! - And my upper-front teeth... well, that could be the sinuses too. - There's a bit of a “floconerie” out-side. The mountain snows have descended. I see it's about 7.30... and I'll have to hit the road in a short order. I DON'T want to! But there are responsibilities and such to get to. And today, I'll have to check the “produce” at market. THAT's going to be interesting... But I'll try for the “organic”... not that I believe it's actually any better than the rest of the shit in that place. “Chop” for Yonah... (or soup... as I rather expect). And speaking of which... something for meals... at least through Thursday.. (“thru Thursday” as opposed to “til Tuesday”) - 8.25 In no mood to leave the house. Going for a snooze... FASCINATING MORNING: THAT LITTLE SKIN TAG ON THE RIGHT SHOULDER BLADE; I PUT TEA-TREE OIL ON IT LAST NIGHT, BAND-AID OVER. THIS MORNING IT'S *WEEPING* “COPIOUSLY” TO THE POINT WHERE IT ACTUALLY SOAKED A WAD OF LOO-ROLL THAT I'D PUT OVER THE BANDAGED SPOT WHILST ON THE CARSIE. SO, I'VE REMOVED THE BAND-AIDS, PUT A DOUBLE THICKNESS OF ABSORBENT PADDING OVER IT, A “WATER-SEAL” BANDAGE OVER ALL. THE LITTLE TAG IS NOW “SOME-WHAT FLATTENED”, LOOKS LARGER BUT I SUSPECT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S FLATTENED-OUT. IT'S NOT ITCHY, NOR PAINFUL. THE AREA IS RED, BUT THAT HAPPENS WITH TEA-TREE OIL. I'M GOING TO LEAVE THE PADDING ON FOR THE DAY, AND TONIGHT, IF THINGS AREN'T IMPROVED, I'LL SHOWER, WASH IT OFF AND LEAVE IT TO BE. I WONDER: MY BODY SEEMS TO BE TREATING THE OIL AS SOME SORT OF “INFECTION”, THE “LIQUID” HAS TO BE LYMPH. AND I'M SO TIRED, “OFF”. THIS OLD BODY IS FIGHTING THE OIL SOMETHING FIERCE. WELL, IT'LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT THE “BLOOD WORK” SHOWS IN 2 WEEKS... UNLESS I END-UP IN THE ER BEFORE THEN. - Let's just hope I can get on with the day. I still have to get to Deborah's, want to get to FamDoll, market and get my voter reg. changed today. Ah... the suspense of a day... Eh? Eh... - Meanwhile... it isn't all THAT cold today but the furnace is running, running, running... set at 65F. I wonder what THAT'S all about. - I also wonder if the truck will run properly and with-out bull-shit. - 14.20 JUST JUST JUST FINISHING
Deborah's to feed the Yardies
FamDoll for a pack of “Marlboro” because they have almost NOTHING in the store! FUCK!
Off to the “Elections” where I TRIED to complete the form there BUT I CAN'T FUCKING SEE!
Market for massive veggies for “Chop” (and more chicken, which LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR FILM!)
***** REGULAR SHIT GAS AT STEWART'S: $3,999 !!!!! ***** THAT SET MY HEAD INTO A REALM I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE IN AGAIN !!!
THE INSANITY OF THIS COUNTRY HAS GONE TO AN EXTREME SIMILAR TO 1933!
Back at the shit-box....
Made “Chop” for Yonah and with the remnants, all perfectly good and fine and well...
Made “Chop” for the Yardies too!
Did the washing-up after that... bowls, bowls and more bowls...
Did the chicken (in the oven)
Did the washing-up after the chicken
Put the garbage out to the bin (room for HALF more)
I AM EXHAUSTED! BUT... MADE TIME TO VISIT AND PLAY WITH YONAH TOO... TO BE CERTAIN! Poor Little Guy... I've been non-stop from since this morning when I woke from a 20-minute snooze during which he stayed with me! (I feel HORRID about leaving him this morning! He truly... TRULY IS MY LIFE!) - That “odd” feeling of this morning has diminished, considerably. I believe I got rid of all that tea-tree oil in time! Now I have one of those “semi-permanent” bandages on it so... Shower? No likely, not soon. - But I don't care. - Now? Time to quick-check the soc.med. and BOOK-KEEPING! And complete the re-registration-voting. They DO have a “Conservative” party listed but I'm not sure if I want to be “that” either. No “Independent” listed, just a little box that reads “I do not want to enroll in any political party”... meaning “independent”. Well... I'll ponder a moment... and investigate and then... But NOT “Republican” any more! - OK... time to roll... as I've been doing ALL BLOODY DAY! - Thankfully, this morning's BITTER cold is gone, so too, the snow... AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANT... I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT THE TRUCK MADE THE TRIP... ALTHOUGH, I'M BELOW HALF A TANK AND... A HALF TANK IS PROBABLY GOING TO COST... 60-BLOODY-FUCKING-5-MISERABLE-FUCKALL- DOLLARS! 65$ FOR A HALF TANK! 130$ TO FILL IT COMPLETELY! Yeah... if that oil tank drops, I'm on the line for an “Emergency”! And FUCK THEM if they DARE to say “NO”! -
16.04 THAT DAMNED “SKIN TAG” IS WEEPING TO WHERE I HAD TO REMOVE THE DRESSING AND REPLACE IT WITH A COTTON PAD! SOAKED RIGHT THROUGH TO THE T-SHIRT! WOW! Shower tonight! What-ever is happening needs to be washed off!
Day is DONE! I can't believe it! And I've only JUST done the books... and am down to 1,26 in the VT a/c! SHITFUCK! Imagine? It's been YEARS since I've brought an account down that low! Well... nothing to be done about it now... Thankfully there's enough gas in the truck for a trip to Deborah's tomorrow morning.
AND YONAH CAME TO FIND ME IN THE LOO THIS AFTER-NOON! HE'S GETTING QUITE “EXPLORATIVE”!
19.31 THERE'S THE LIGHTEST BIT OF SNOW FALLING OUT THERE... THE SLIGHTEST, LIGHTEST BIT AND THE BLOODY PLOUGH HAS BEEN TWICE ALREADY! THERE'S BLOODY NOTHING TO PLOUGH! KRISTE! How I wish I could figure a way to get these dolts fired. What wastes! - In other news... Yonah is tucked-in already... Poor Little Guy... he was yawning at 19.00 already! But then, he did have an early start to the day AND HE HAD QUITE THE DAY WITH HIS WANDERINGS. (From his Journal here):
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When I'd done with all the “cooking” (prep), it was time for washing-up and so, more time in the kitchen... WELL...!!! I made a stop in Yonah's room to let him know that I'd be in the kitchen and ... Out came Yonah! On my shoulder! So we took a little “stroll” around the house. I like to “help change the scenery” and our “strolls” are good for that. But when we got to the living-room, he saw the “decoys” (that failure of mine) in the tree limb I have there in case he ever decides to take a flight about and needs a place to catch-a-breath! OK! He was ON IT! More like on THEM! He took wing and headed directly for the limb and was hopping back and forth ON the motionless little replicas, standing on their backs, their heads, pecking at their faces! He was obviously some-what disturbed by their presence but, after a couple of boisterous “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”s, it seems he decided that, if they weren't going to be polite and respond to his “greetings”, he'd just make himself comfy... on the back of the “male” of the pair. And there he stayed... for several long moments. I went back to the kitchen to finish the tiding and get on with preparing some of the other groceries for my evening meal and, as I worked at the kitchen basin, from behind, I heard the flutter and whistle. Yonah headed back to his house! (When I looked in, he'd gotten hungry and went for a snack. The “novelty” of the “new doves in the house” had completely vanished. The day moved on.) OK... so I got all of my work completed, the kitchen put back in place. I had to go into the loo to attend “ablutions” there and as I was occupied, I heard, loudly and distinctly, a rousing “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! It was louder than usual, so I stepped out to see where Yonah was... No-where to be seen! But I knew he was OK, where-ever he was and as I headed back to the loo... he came out from under the kitchen table! A NEW PLACE TO HIDE-AWAY! He stepped out, looked at me and as if all were as should be expected, toddled right back into his room! SO! Yet again... I have to watch my steps... BUT... it didn't stop there... OH NO! .... As I was finishing my own affairs, still in the loo, I happened to look behind me, at the door... AND THERE HE WAS AGAIN! THIS TIME, HE'D COME TODDLING TO THE DOOR, COMPLETELY AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE, AND WAS STANDING THERE, STARING AT ME! It was as though he'd come looking for me! HOW he figured to come to THAT room is beyond me, but it was just MY PURE DELIGHT to see him standing there, at the back door, just as comfortable as if he'd been there many times before. When I turned to talk to him, THIS time he DIDN'T run off, as he'll do when “discovered” some-where in the house. Instead, he just went about, looking around the little foyer and came into the loo! That's a room he's been in only once in all the time we've been together, and that was quite a while ago! (I mean to say, I've never had a reason to bring him into that room and never gone in there for anything whilst he'd been “riding along” as I went about the rest of the house. So...) I kept talking and finishing my own tasks and as I spoke, Yonah simply toddled away, back to his room. Looked as though he'd found me, I was still close-enough by, all was well and his business there was complete. The more of the house that he ventures into, the more I NEED to pay attention with and to every step I take from now on. I did expect him to take the house, as it were, and to roam about as freely as he wishes. But, I more expected him to be flying about and not walking! Flying would be obvious. I'd hear him and see him air-borne. But as he walks about, he makes no sound, and he's still not in the habit of responding when “called”... whether by name or by “coo”. Today, under the kitchen table! NEVER would I have EVER expected THERE! And at the back door to the house? No, again. And in the warmer weather, I have the inside door open, and ALWAYS keep the screen door on the latch... front and back doors. Yonah USED to take “reconnaissance” flights through the kitchen and in the earlier days, he'd had a couple of collisions with that back screen door. Thankfully, it was on the latch at the time, and MORE thankfully, no injuries. But now, with him wandering about, it's become an absolute necessity! In fact, when I come into the house now, I always look to see if he's by a door. Now I ask: WHO would have EVER expected such a thing from... a mourning dove? They're quite incredibly BRILLIANT! (“Cognizant” AND “Sentient”!) |
Wed.02.Mar: 8.38 ALL DONE! Yonah woke AT 6.32! And because I was too bloody lazy to actually get up and out of the bed and on with the morning as I should have done... I hadn't even gotten to the morning “internet” yet! “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo”, as I was getting dressed! OK, so I wasn't still in bed for the “6.00” alarm, but still... - Changed the dressing on the shoulder this morning... SOAKED... and the “jammies-sweats” really ought to be washed but there's a shirt and sweater to be done so... something has to wait, and the jammies? Well... there's probably more “weeping” to be soaked again, tonight. All will be attended... in time. - Got Yonah all up and about and such and threw my boots and jacket on and headed out the door to Deborah's. THE ICE ON THE TONNEAU ON THE TRUCK WAS SO THICK, AND HEAVY AND ACTUALLY FROZEN TO THE COVER! I didn't take it off yesterday (imagine that... all that rolling about with all that ice on the back of the truck... had it slid off onto another vehicle... or worse... a “pedestrian”... the damage would have been “news-worthy”! I was lucky!) but with quite a bit of determination, slid a YUGE sheet of it off and onto the ground. (Have to say: the truck is running SO quietly, even in the cold, and it did start immediately this morning... I'm SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT!) but (OF COURSE, THERE'S A BUT...) there's something “grinding”... right passenger-side, on the truck... where I JUST had BRAKE-WORK done! Oh... well... FUCK! And at this juncture in time and shit, there's NO way I'll EVER be able to afford ANY repairs this year! bad enough the inspection and registration are due... and INSPECTION! HOPEFULLY the brakes will pass that! (Probably not though. Oh well... we'll deal when we must and not before.) - 10.56 JUST getting settled at Yonah's table. There's a bowl of sand in the oven (500F until noon). - Yonah's on his loft in the sun-shine as that passes in and out as the clouds pass along in the sky. It WAS a clear morning.... SHIIT! But I have NOTHING that will bring me out of the house today, other than to check the post and that's that. (Smokes are down... it's going to be SERIOUS AUSTERITY for the rest of the day.) - And I figured-out what I'd done wrong with February's last entries: forgot to put the “date” on the 27th. “Forgot”... between my eyes and the “forgotting”... I'm becoming QUITE concerned about this old body. “Stress”... the bull-shit of being here, the politics, the dolts, the “Libs”... and worrying about being here come the warm weather, and the fat shits next-door. Oh well... I just have to move past and beyond all that for now... until such time when... - At least Yonah's here and healthy... He just hasn't eaten yet... I have “chop” in with his seeds... and I'm sure he's not happy about that. But I'm not giving-in... he HAS to get SOME veggies... for the vitamins! - (I'm ready for a snooze too...) - 16.32 It's been NON-STOP ALL DAY today... BUT... IT'S ALSO BEEN *ALL* WITH YONAH! So I'm just as happy as I can be! Catching-up with Journals and photos, and back-ups and PLAY, PLAY, PLAY! - Two items on the “daily note”
1. My eyes have been HORRID all day today. I tried an old (but not opened) bottle of drops. Seems to have helped but only just the slightest. I can't wait until the 14th now... There's NO CHOICE! OPHTHALMOLOGIST! I JUST HAVE TO GET ME TO WHERE I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DO WITH MY EYES... THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP! THIS “DOUBLE VISION” SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP!
2. That “skin tag” is STILL WEEPING! I've put a little cotton “pad” on but covered with the “hydroocort” cream. I've read that that “helps”... What I have, apparently, is “weeping eczema”, probably caused by “old tea tree oil”. Yes, it's even on-line! And one of the treatments is “hydrocort”... another is “antihistamines” ... “Bendaryl”. More money to be spent (along with fresh eye drops. Money I DON'T have now!)
Mean-while, meal on the hob and I don't believe how FAST this day (what else is new?) has just slipped away from US... Yonah and me! DAMNIT! - BUT... Yonah DID eat SOME of the “chop” today... I'll be watching his poop now... CAREFULLY! He waited until he was HUNGRY before he touched it. Silly Little Guy. - 20.00 Pills taken. Yonah was tucked-in at 19.30. His Journal is current... This one will be too, shortly. I'm tired... but the house is SO warm! I'd set the thermostat at 68° all day, to keep it warm enough for Yonah. I'm concerned about humidity though. My sinuses are bothering me (which effects my teeth... which is annoying with the itching on my back and shoulder... the hydrocort isn't stopping that but I WILL shower before bed tonight... that “abrasion” NEEDS a cleansing, if only plain water... to get ALL the residual oil OUT!) - -8 tonight, but tomorrow and Friday.. -13 and -10 respetively... THEN... 9 for Sunday's high... and though still “minus”... SINGLE DIGITS for the nights to follow for the rest of the week! YAY! At last! (Still some snow in there though, but that's OK... as long as the minuses aren't in the teens... or 20s!) - 20.21 Official word... Deborah, Julio and Rosie will be returning tomorrow so tomorrow morning... YARDIES! - For me for now... I'm posting to the servers, grabbing a nosh... hitting the shower and off to the rack! - 22.13 Out of the shower and oddly, that “eczema” didn't burn as I'd expected when the water hit it. I don't know it it's the hydrocort or what-ever, but as “raw” as the spot looks, I would expect it to be sensitive. Oh well... And the “little tag” is now flatten and looks larger... and the area still wept. But it's been “flushed” now, and there's another dressing on... with more hydrocort for the night. We shall see. (I hope it's gone before the 13th at the very latest... but... what-ever.) - At least Journals are current (save for this entry). - Tomorrow morning, bills get paid and I hear gas has risen another 20¢/gallon today. I expect it to be over 5$/ tomorrow... so I'll pay the bills and be happy and then get Yonah all comfy, off to Deborah's and then to town... where I'll want to vomit. No doubt, no smokes... probably NONE at all at this point... gas at 5$/... 6,5gallons is a quarter tank... at 5$, that's 32,50$. 65$ for half a tank... 130$ from empty... which it isn't but... 3/4? Which is about what I need to fill... 97,50$ !!!! I won't put into words, the wishes in my heart not only for the dolt who can change this and won't, but every last one of his “minions”... including those near here. - Anyway... there's nothing I can do about it, save, put cheaper gas in the truck and hope it doesn't destroy it at this point. - For now... it's going for 22.30... time for a nap... on the rack... I've no doubt I'll be up and down most of the night anyway. - BUT MY LITTLE YONAH IS SAFE, WARM AND SOUND! AND THAT IS *ALL* THAT TRULY MATTERS IN ALL OF CREATION. - 22.44 got into mixing eth and non-eth gas... and the mixing is OK... MIXING is OK... but going to the rack at 23.00? NOT OK! FUCK!
Thu.03.Mar: 6.25!? SOMEBODY'S GETTING INTO THIS “SPRING” SEASON AND THE EARLIER DAYS! BUT I AM SO THRILLED THAT HE'S UP, AWAKE, AND WELL! THERE'S NOTHING SWEETER THAN THAT CALL TO START A DAY! NOTHING! I SO wish I could just stay with him ALL day today! But I'll make the runs and get right back and we have the rest of the day! To be SURE! Life is wonderful with Yonah... Even when we're not playing or chatting... Just being with him... just him “being”. - Time to get to his morning routine, get the Yardies fed, get my running done... QUICKLY! - 10.01 Back from HELL! No smokes... A-FUCKING-GAIN! BUT GAS WAS UNDER THE 5$ I'D FIGURED ON. 3/4 TANK! YAY! - The truck started right away this morning and I let it run as I cleared the snow from it. Thankfully, no ice this morning. After all that THICK ice on the back... and the snow was dry, so it was easy to clean. I need new wiper blades though... I really do. But I'm waiting... for... well... I'm waiting. - I was greeted at Deborah's by a flock of turkeys as I rolled up the drive! WHAT A SIGHT they are! I don't mind them in the yard, a meadow, where they belong. It's just seeing them on the road... Shame, really, that I didn't have the camera handy at the moment, but what a beautiful way to start a day! Really! - After serving breakfast, headed into town... the REAL “HELL” of the day! - HAD to get another pack of those shit Marlboros! Casey was there and we got to chatting about the situation and a guy came in looking for anti-freeze... THEY DON'T HAVE THAT EITHER! It's as if there's a concerted effort at “starving” the little stores to complete death! It's fucking pissing me off! AND FamDoll IS STILL INSISTING THAT ALL EMPLOYEES CONTINUE TO WEAR MASKS! I told Casey that's one of the main reasons I WON'T bother trying to get a little job... even part-time. Enough is enough! And she told of a woman who bitched about having to wear a mask AND, the hospitals aren't allowing “cloth” masks now and will give a disposable. Businesses are fucking closing and we have to put up with THIS bull-shit? No matter what anybody might say, THIS IS AN OUT-RIGHT EFFORT TO KILL PEOPLE OFF! “POPULATION CONTROL”. Though, I'm now convinced that this is the beginning of that “Brave New World”... not only are they controlling the population numbers, they're “controlling the mental acuity” as well... Oxygen deprivation... keep'em as dumb as possible! And THEN... some guy came into the store an said that the “CHEAP” gas at Stewart's is now... 4,09$! I was convinced that the non-eth would be WELL OVER 5$ and my entire mood just got so fucked that I had to leave the store before I said something horrible offencive! - As I drove to Stewart's I was both “boiling livid” and “sick depressed”... “anticipatory”, of course... WELL! YES... CHEAP IS 4,09!!! BUT THE NON-ETH... 4,79... 4,80! NOT QUITE THE 5$ I EXPECTED. I was going to put in 13 gallons (half a tank) but as I watched the gallons and the price... when it got to 40$ I stopped... 8,3 bloody-fucking gallons! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! BUT... It DID bring the tank up to 3/4!!! So I'm some-what relieved about that. And when I can, I'll put in a bit more, a little at a time, to bring it back to “full”. Seems changing to eth is playing a bit of danger. The ethanol dissolves certain gunk which can get into the line and such... and the water issue as well is to be considered... especially since we're going back to -21° tonight... freeze! FUCK! But I'd budgeted 65$ for gas... saved 25 right there... for now. Not that it makes all that much difference but... YONAH SHOPPING! OR another back of food for the Yardies! - AND... after gassing, it was up to Aubuchon for... YARDIE FOOD! And I got a bag of “potting mix”. We can't even get a bag of simple SOIL any more! (This world is just SO FUCKED!) I was “greeted” at the door by “Mittens”... who climbed up and MEOWED so! AND THEN FOLLOWED ME ALL THROUGH THE STORE! WHAT A PURE DELIGHT that was, and SO needed... by my other-wise crushed spirit. Bad enough I had to be away from Yonah, but just being “out there” makes me miserable. Anyway... I got what I'd stepped out for... considered a stop at the market but it was dreary out there and I didn't want to be away from Yonah any longer so... I came right back, AND WAS I EVER HAPPY I DID... WHEN I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE AND CAME TO HIS DOOR... YONAH CAME TODDLING, FULL-SPEED, TO MEET ME! WE MISS EACH-OTHER! “RECIPROCAL LOVE”. NO HEART COULD EVER WISH FOR BETTER! And so... since there was nothing other than “book-keeping” to be done... I grabbed a 20-minute snooze... WITH MY BEST AND ONE AND ONLY COMPANION. - I WILL say that I wasn't all that tired when I laid down, but when the alarm sounded... WOW! Did I WANT to just lay there for... days longer. I'm so damned tired these days... even when I'm not. But I got up and “hit the books”. - THE BILLS ALL GOT PAID! I don't know why I bother, really, but, it does, some-how, feel good to do it. How I remember the years when I honestly couldn't pay them, never mind “on time” but at all! (And I JUST made the “10-day” on the gas bill! YAY! A bit of a savings there... BULL-SHIT! The price is DO FUCKING HIGH!) - But the day's runnings, done... the “responsibilities” met. Makes no difference to the world, but... I'm not living for the world... FUKKEMALL! -15.20 Deborah stopped by. They make such great time from The City! She said Julio made it back in about 4,5 hours! Of course, I doubt I could ever make that time in the truck, never mind, I wouldn't want to drive the truck to Queens (to see Ev, of course, but then, there's no reason for it... since I can wait until she goes back to the lake) but, imagine... the train takes about 13 hours for the same trip, AND it's supposed to be “quicker” because it's flatter and straighter. Anyway... SHE BROUGHT CHALLAH, REAL CHALLAH! SO SOFT! AND BAGELS AND CREAM CHEESE! “NYC DELI”! (I'm wondering if I can actually eat the bagels, with these “no teeth”. But I'm going to TRY my damnedest! They're REAL! THE SOFT ONES! OMG! As they say! REAL NYC DELI! And macaroons... and home-baked cookies and brownies... AND A CARD .. BEAUTIFUL... LITTLE EGGS, A NEST... AND ANOTHER 50! I WISH SHE'D STOP THAT! I'm sure she and Julio are well-comfortable but... And too, I have to admit... I'd be doing the very same thing. But... being “paid” just makes going to feed the Yardies more of a “job” than the simple pleasure of doing it. When I get a chance, in person, I'll have to “approach” the situation. I mean, it's nice to have the now-100 extra. Not that I can actually “spend” it... I'm not about to drive any-where to shop. And I don't want it in the banque at this juncture. Really. I mean, I could juggle things and get it into the VT account, but, truth is: in the banque puts a trace on it... and it's nobody's business. I'm going to figure a place to hold it... perhaps I'll go back to the old “in the books”. Oh, when I think of the books... and the cash that was in them... now gone... somebody else made well on that. And that Sunday morning... U-Haul... breakfast at the “Cup and Saucer” in Pine Bush... and the Mindy Brock bull-shit fuckerie... My mind wanders. - But I'm looking forward to CHALLAH! And NYC BAGELS! SHABBAT! WOOHOO! (hoo-hoo-hoo). And it truly IS nice to have met somebody of a like heart... especially where the Little Ones are concerned. (I'll have to get to the water-colouring! No excuses! Another “Thank You” is due... and THIS one WILL be “hand-painted”! It's only fair... really. Something quite truly “personal”.) - 16.35 THIS DAMNED DAY JUST PASSED SO DAMNED QUICKLY! Thankfully, there's a bit of sun-shine... of course, as it's setting. BUT IT JUST WENT TOO DAMNED QUICKLY! And Yonah and I have been together... and I've been miserable company, sitting here, getting caught-up with Journals... and I tried “shopping” with that useless “OTC” card again... what utter BULL-SHIT! I go directly to THE web-site, shop ONLY on that part of it and when I get to the end? ONE item out of 6 is “eligible”. FUCK THEM! Well? I'll have to check for what-ever I can use... I wanted bandages... especially for my shoulder. What bull-shit! - I have a bag of food that has to be “sorted”... for the Yardies... but that's for tomorrow. Maybe I can get Yonah to join me in the kitchen for a while? - He's on the door perch now... He WAS on the little shelf on the work table earlier. We're a “unit”, we are. - Meal? The left-over carrots and spinach from the “chop” and some broccoli that I “discovered” in the freezer. 3 portions in bags... frozen... I won't give them to Yonah, won't give them to the Yardies... and I won't throw it away so... there it is... in the pot. Hopefully it and the carrots will be soft enough to eat... - And after meal? Well... the day's gone! BUT... it's 16.41 and the sun is still out there! Yes... the days are getting longer... and in another week... this will be 17.41! (I'm still wondering how Yonah will “adjust” to the time change... But... I don't give a shit about “time change”. We'll live according to Yonah's “clock”. The rest of the world can eat shit.) - 20.00 Pills taken. Yonah is tucked-in. The forecast is for -20° with -27° chill over-night! I'm just so grateful that (a) the tank in the truck is 3/4 full AND (b) that it's non-ethanol gas in there! I just HOPE the battery holds. But tomorrow, preferably in the morning, I might take a roll into market for a few items and perhaps to the pharmacy for a few more. The run will do the truck good and, if I can make it to Deborah's in a morning, I can make it into town. - Right now, I'm having another one of those “spacey” episodes. My sinuses feel a bit “packed” and my head is a bit “spinny”. It struck, out of no-where, for no reason, about an hour ago. I don't understand it. It's these moments when I start to feel as if I'm “losing me” some-how... “floaty”. And my left arm muscles are sore too. Oh well... let's see what happens on the 14th (not that I expect anything to be “discovered”. “Stress”. “Anxiety”. That sort of thing. What I ought to have done is a full-body scan of sorts... Imagine that! Or, when they “scan” the chest, start the cameras rolling at the head... I still believe some of this has to do with my back too. And yes, there's “stress” and “anxiety”... waiting for that thing next door to go on some sort of rampage or another. So there's the “stress” and “anxiety” of getting the actual fuck OUT of and AWAY from this shit-box! - Oh well... and my teeth, upper front again... Now THERE'S something to consider too... all these dead and dying teeth. But, what do I know? Eh? - My shoulder is itching too. Was considering a shower tonight but.. I'll settle for a “dressing change”. - Right now, I'm going to wrap things up, grab a bit of ice cream, a Brit and get to bed. I'm tired enough for that too but since I took the pills, I don't want to go lie down too soon. - And tomorrow? Well, if I venture out, I'll have to put up with more bull-shit and fuckerie until I get back to Yonah. - I put the “potting mix” on the back gallery for the night. Hopefully, if there's any sort of “fungus fly” in there, the -20 will freeze them all to death. I'd like to get some “greens” growing for Yonah but I've only JUST managed to get rid of our last infestation. If that “mix” didn't have “fertilisers” in it, I'd bake it, but I'm not sure that heat is good for what-ever's in there so... We FREEZE it, and hope. - OK... time to post to servers... - HEY! THE BILLS ARE PAID FOR ANOTHER MONTH! (Now all I need do is find a place where I can get some smokes... with-out having to piss-away gas and mileage to Ticonderoga... FUCK!) - 22.37 TO THE RACK!
Fri04.Mar: 6.28 Yonah UP.... I've been dragging me around this house for about an hour now... but THE DAY COMMENCES! OFFICIALLY! I was in the bed-room, getting dressed and I THOUGHT I'd heard the “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” but it was so faint, and, honestly, there are times when I'd swear I'd heard Yonah call but he hadn't. So I THREW my clothes on, stepped into the kitchen and listened... sure enough... louder this time... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! I answered “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo... hoo-hoo” and the reply came right away: “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo-hoo”. As I went to open the door to Yonah's room, I called: “You're awake? Already? Are you sure?” The answer was immediate: “woo-HOO!” And that's how today began... “officially”. YAY ME! YAY YONAH! YAY US! - 11.16 Took a snooze from about 8.15 to 9.00 SO TIRED! Got up, did the Yardies food. After that... well... This morning, I had a large bag of “Wild Song-bird” mix that I'd gotten for the “Yardies” that needed to be “sorted”. I run it through a strainer to separate the smaller seeds (milo, millet, &c.) for the Little Ones who don't take the halved peanuts, sun-flower seeds and the likes. That way, I can be sure that there's enough for the doves, in particular. So, I went to the kitchen and got to work on that once Yonah was settled, his “song-birds” collection playing, and the morning sun just starting to make its way in through the windows.
WELL! I'd been working, in the kitchen, at the counter, my back to Yonah's room for about 45 minutes. We'd been “chatting” on-and-off all through but it got quiet and I thought Yonah might be basking, or busying himself other-wise, as he does when, from the corner of my eye, I saw something rather “large” and dark on the floor beside my foot. IT WAS YONAH! HE'D COME TO THE KITCHEN AND WAS STANDING RIGHT BESIDE ME! And when I looked to him and said “WELL! Is there something I can get for you? Or have you come to supervise?” he toddled out of the kitchen and across the living-room floor to the front door of the house! He stood there for a moment and THEN... either he remembered or it just happened to catch his eye, but with a sudden BURST of wings... he was up and flying to the branch in the corner where the “decoys” are!
OH! But THAT was rather an interesting sight when he got there. He went to the “female” first, and standing on a limb, facing “her”, he let out with a resounding “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” Head bobbing up and down, he let out with another! And when “she” didn't respond, he gave her a few hearty pecks and was off to the “male” of the pair! THAT one got a loud-and-hearty “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!”, more head-bobbing, followed by some rather forceful pecks and obvious attempts a “biting”! Wing-flapping, hopping about the limbs until he, Yonah, landed directly on the back of the decoy and THERE, the pecking at the head followed. Obviously, there's only room for ONE male dove in THIS house and Yonah knows who this place belongs to... and it “ain't that one”. I watched, in curiosity and amazement and when the fracas had calmed, I called, from the kitchen door-way, “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”. Yonah looked up at me and answered “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” and followed with a curt “woo-HOO!” and then got rather “settled” on the back of that “inanimate dove”. He'd taken HIS position and that was all there was to that situation. And if the “interloper” wasn't going to move, so be it. Neither would Yonah move! He's making HIS possession of THIS place quite obvious! And I'm just as delighted about it as I can be! (I even opened the curtains in the living-room a bit to let in more light for him! So tere!) He stayed there as I finished sifting the Yardies' food and when he'd have enough, he went back to his house... all on his own... across the living-room, through the kitchen and “home again”. - When I'd done with the seeds I stepped out... Nothing in the post today... No news... and all that. - Since I had my boots on, I came in, got the camera and went to the cellar to Check the OIL... seems we're “on normal schedule”. Same place as last March. I lose on the “Emergency” unless I can use the HELL out of a quarter tank in about 9 days. But that would mean setting this place at 30° and THAT would roast BOTH, Yonah and I. So... I guess I'll forfeit... unless something comes along.. like another -25° night and that's not in the forecast any time soon. Oh well... Maybe Winter 2022... if we're still in this shit-box. - Still feeling “off” today. The sun is shining. It's “chilly”. I can't figure why I feel “shitty”.
Still need to take a roll for smokes... Don't want to! REALLY! Not even sure where to go! NOT going to Port Henry or Ticonderoga! Oh well... we shall see. - Just too tired to do much of anything. AND... I am SO far behind on journalling today! It's really disgusting. And why? Plain lazy... really. Just plain tired and lazy... 20.43 I can't really account for most of this morning, but what a fukkup I've been. I mean... I didn't leave the house until 13.30-ish... and got back at about 15.00! THAT was a fukkup. but... - MADE IT TO THE TRUCK STOP AND THEY HAD CAMEL BLUES! IN FACT, WHEN I ASKED FOR 3 PACKS, THE WONDERFUL WOMAN SAID “I HAVE MORE.” OK, so they're over 13$/pack, but that's only a dollar more than Stewarts... WHERE, BY THE WAY... “CHEAP” GAS IS NOW OVER 4$/GALLON! I didn't stop to see what the non-octane is, but... I got the “bulk” just in time. I'm just over half a tank in the truck now... and so, I'll be blowing the month's budget (more than I did today) and try to FILL it... I see the CHEAP approaching 5$ VERY SOON NOW... IT'S RISING BY 20¢ AT AN AVERAGE OF WEEKLY! Oh... You know? I remember JFK... And that's all I'll say on that matter. - Stopped at Kinney for eye drops (fresh), more “spot remover” for the forehead and little “cotton pads” for the shoulder and then a quick run through the market... ice cream! Yoghurt too. - OH OH OH... I HAVE TO MENTION: THE BAGELS FROM DEBORAH... I scraped off all the “extras” on one of them today, added a schmear of the cream cheese and... I WENT RIGHT BACK TO THE DAYS OF RATNER'S AND KATZ'S! THEY'RE THE “BEST” BAGELS! CHEWABLE! DELICIOUS! MAGNIFICENT! Tomorrow, we'll be into the challah... Shabbat!
AT 18.56 THAT SHIT NEXT DOOR HASN'T MADE A SOUND ALL BLOODY-FUCKING DAY! NOT A SOUND! BUT NOW... NOW, AS THE NIGHT COMES IN, THE FUCKING USELESS MISERABLE BIT OF WASTE AND FILTH STARTS IN WITH THE BANGING HER SHIT ABOUT THE PLACE ! JEEZUS KRISTE! I WANT YONAH AND I OUT OF THIS PLACE! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE THIS BEHIND, AWAY, TUCKED-IN WITH WHERE IT BELONGS: WITH THE MISERABLE MEMORIES OF VT! THAT FUKTARD MASS-HOLE NEEDS TO BE BITCH-SLAPPPED... OR, AT BEST, HAMMERED... WITH THE FUCKING ARSE NEXT DOOR! ONE SWIFT SWING AND LET THEM BOTH GO SAILING BACK TO THE HELL THAT CREATED THEM! OH FUCK... I HATE BEING THIS HATEFUL ! THIS IS NOT THE “HOME” I THOUGHT I WAS COMING BACK TO. AND THESE FUCKS HAVE SHREDDED MY “DREAM”! FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL! - Well... so much for “a shower at 21.00... It would have been nice but... it's time to wrap this up and post it to the servers. - My bowels are “moving” tonight. The macaroons? Quite a bit of gas. Hmmm... What-ever... and the furnace is running. Hey! Maybe I WILL make that Emergency... -14/-17° for the “low” and then minuses but most single digits until Sunday... 13°! And back to minuses... Well... I'm keeping this place WARM no mater what. - Oh... and yesterday I noticed that the “Budget” for the electric runs to September! I have a chance at bringing my “DUE BALANCE” DOWN! YAY! (Of course, if there are fans going... but that won't be for long... I HAVE A CHANCE ... I HAVE A CHANCE! - NOW... HERE'S HOPING THE TRUCK WILL PASS INSPECTION IN JULY! There's always something. - I'm done... posting... nosh and Brit and RACK! I'm tired... and my guts are off. Sunnuvabitch and shit! - 22.57 Paid the loan for the month. Imagine... almost in the middle of the night. The transfer went through from “interbanque” almost immediately this time. Hmmm... Anyway... I'M LATE! OFF TO THE RACK!
Sat.05.Mar: 16.16 if you can believe it... ALL DAY... NOTHING! And I JUST got Yonah's journal page up to now. It's been a non-stop day! Cloudy, not TOO cold... just warm enough for the snows to melt... before tonight “grésil”. - Anyway... I think ... THINK I slept through last night and was up just before the first alarm which I heard and laid in the bed, contemplating the course of the day for a little while until I HAD to get up! Yonah would be up and the Yardies needed to be fed and there were peanuts to be shelled and ground today! I did manage to be up when the second alarm sounded though. There's that much, I suppose. - I was JUST getting to the morning “soc.med” when, at 6.23 came “Morning Call”! Yonah is getting “in sync” with these earlier days now... and I'm wondering if he's going to be getting up at 5.23 soon. I HAVE TO START GETTING TO BED ON TIME FROM NOW ON! It'll do me good, at any rate. Anyway, he was up and stretching when I got into his room. And the furnace had kicked so when I got into the room it was HOT! I mean “HOT” in there! My next tasks are to get humidity in there AND, because he's back to “roosting” in front of the registre in his room when the heat is up, I want to see if it's the moving air or the heat that he's attracted to. (Hopefully it's the moving air... as warm as his room is, I HOPE it's NOT the heat that he needs... either because of “age” or “illness”. KRISTE! I NEED A TRUST-WORTHY VET FOR HIM! BUT... the more I think about the possible consequences... like some over-zealous shit deciding to “take him in for an examination” and sending for “the authorities”. I've got some serious work cut-out for me coming... like seeing if I can't enrol in some on-line Veterinarian courses? Imagine THAT! Anyway... he was “chatty” as I opened the curtains and blinds, and attentive as I ran the water-relay. So, he was in good spirits. - In fact, he was in SUCH GOOD SPIRITS...:
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I got the peanuts and the bowls and such together and parked me at the work table. Bird-songs played, the radio too, low, as “back-ground music”. And Yonah? Well, at first, he settled at his door perch, as he does, to watch what I was doing. Several times he came over to my shoulder, stared for a while, as I took the peanuts from the pile, opened the shells, and put the nuts into a separate bow. And as I worked along, now-and-again I'd get a peck on the ear or Yonah made his way across the back of my neck and went for the opposite ear... and he kept doing-so until I spoke and leaned my head toward him. And when it seemed that he was either satisfied with what he'd been watching (or bored), off he went, to the futon, his pillows or the floor. BUT... TODAY... YONAH GOT TRULY ADVENTUROUS !!! Instead of just settling for toddling about his room, as he does, under furnishings, into little corners here and there, as I watched, he headed out the door and into the kitchen. OK. He's done that before already, so that came as no surprise this morning. BUT, HE DIDN'T STOP AT THE KITCHEN THIS MORNING... HE HEADED RIGHT OUT TO THE LIVING-ROOM !!! JUST A-TODDLING ALONG. AND HE APPEARED TO KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING AND WAS GOING WITH PURPOSE! I just continued with my little task-at-hand, having only shelled but about a quarter all the peanuts. He was safe, where-ever he decided to go to. This house is arranged and furnished with his safety in mind and I thought he'd be coming right back anyway. I was SO WRONG !!! In a moment, from “the distance”, came that so-familiar “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”. So I got up and quietly went out to see where he'd gotten to. There he was, strolling about the living-room, on the floor as though it was completely familiar territory. I stood in the door-way between the kitchen and living-room, just watching to see what he'd do, where he'd go and when e turned and saw me there, he gave a hearty wing-snap and came RUNNING toward me! It seemed as if he'd happened to run into an old friend in a strange place and was SO EXCITED! I walked toward him and he came right over and looked up at me and gave ANOTHER wing-snap! I said: “Are you expecting and Uber or something? Heading for the train?” and he answered with a “woo-HOO!” A little “conversation”... short, but it was a reply to my questions! I got down on the floor and he came over... for a little game of “Catch Me”. We played for a moment and he headed across the floor to the far end of the room... and I got up to head back to his room. As I did, he took off and flew right up to the little decoys in the “tree” in the far corner, landed on the “male” of the pair and stood there, so elegant, proud, and gave another “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! WELL! I suppose I was being shown: yes, this IS HIS house, HIS living-room, that is HIS tree there and he's not going to let anybody forget that fact. OK. I went back to his room and continued with shelling the rest of the peanuts and... ABOUT AN HOUR LATER... HE CAME FLYING BACK INTO THE ROOM AND INTO HIS HOUSE where he had his “late breakfast”! After which, he stopped by the “pool”, had a drink of water, hopped up onto his door perch and then, off to the orange tree where he made himself quite comfortable as I finished-up my little chore. |
Sun.06.Mar: 6.12 and here we are. Whites in the basin on the soak... a “heavy breeze” blowing out-side and “comfortably cool” temperature. I'm dressed. My chest is tight, my stomach... really, and mood is... There we have it. - Oh yes... I'm tired. - AH... DREAM:
Working on some sort of “restoration” project, in a “modernised” sort of “barn-ish” place. In the room... ambiguous sort of kitchen/great-room-ish, almost centre, one of those “islands” that served to collect “stuff”, with a ceiling-suspended sort of light fixture or something of the sort. On it, 2 “nests”: one was regular wasps, the other, yellow jackets. There wasn't such a great “need” to get rid of the wasps, as we all agreed that they would, for the most part, simply go about their business. But the yellow jackets... I was insistent that THEY HAD TO GO! The wasp nest was about the size of a soccer ball, the yellow jackets', about the size of a hardball. Rather many wasps were in that nest, but about 20 yellow jackets were busy building their nest and there were 2 “renegades” buzzing about the room. I kept insisting that the yellow jackets would probably attack visitors to the house, for no reason, as they do, but the owners and others in the room leaned more toward leaving them alone. As I spoke about ways of getting rid of the yellow jackets, the 2 “renegades” were buzzing about, gather materials to increase the size of the nest and they were rather aggressive. I was nervous, and becoming angry that nobody wanted to get rid of them. And I said that the yellow jackets would likely attack and destroy the wasps in time, using them for food and then incorporating their nest, meaning that, eventually, the entire fixture would become one massive yellow jackets nest and that, at that point, the room would become useless, as well as the house.
I woke from this dream at about 4.25, laid in bed, contemplating getting up and then dozed off until first alarm. That sounded, I turned it off and was half-dozing, pondering what to do with the rest of the day and then realised I HAD to get up and did... So now... “morning routine” for me, is pretty much complete and I'm waiting to be called. - The furnace is running... the house is “chilled”. - 4°, going up to 13. 1° tonight, 3° tomorrow... showers and rain to come. Oh well... The towel is on the soak. - 6.33 THE MORNING CALL!!! MY LIFE IS AWAKE! There's a day ahead to challenge us and it's promised to be quite nice... Sunny and warm. Not that weather matters... Yonah is up and calling and that's all that matters! - 7.21 Morning routine done... and I washed the towel at long... LONG last! It's on the line on the gallery. Let's see if it even dries. If the day goes as “forecast” it should. But there's no guarantee... There are no “guarantees” in any day. But... - 20.23 OK... the day is done... the towel is in and ready for use! Imagine that! It WAS the day that was “promised”. HAH! And I feel a bit guilty for not being OUT in it. But you know? It doesn't matter... it really doesn't. (I wish I had a lounge chair... AND A FUCKING PLACE TO PUT IT TO LAY IN THE SUN-SHINE... AND A PLACE WHERE I COULD BRING YONAH OUT TOO! THAT'S MY MAIN “BITCH” IN LIFE NOW... A PLACE TO BRING YONAH TO, OUT IN THE SUN-SHINE. I CAN'T ENJOY THE SUN... KNOWING HE'S IN THE HOUSE. AH... THIS SHIT-BOX! FUCK.) - Anyway... I got into a “painting” mood... a portrait of my LOVE (Yonah, in case there were any questions) and went on-line, “Michael's”, to order mats and frames for water-colours and when I saw Yonah IN THE POOL! SO... I got side-tracked and ordered a NEW, LARGER POOL for him. Due around the 14th... just in time for monthly HOUSE-KEEPING! I'm excited about it now! MORE SWIMMING SPACE FOR YONAH! Same dish, just about 2 inches larger all round. Next? The planter for more trees! He's going to have a veritable “wood-land forest” in his house at this rate! Hey.... NOTHING too good nor good enough for my little Heart-and-Soul! - AND... it WAS warm and breezy all day, and sunny! I had the doors open, front and back and it was delightful in the house for a change. Moving, fresh air! And it was “comfy”, temperature-wise. Oh... what a shame... back to “chilly” for the fore-seeable future. But it's March... not May. - Dan passed with the dog and we chatted out front for a couple of HOURS! He's REALLY quite down... the cost of heating in that house, water damages... he says the foundation is giving in the wet-and-freeze-and-thaw. One of his cars won't even start. He talked about selling the house, there's another one up the main in Lewis that he likes but it's been empty for years, and the furniture is still in it, a car in the garage... I tried to tell him about all the “programs”, like HEAP and such and how “AAA” pays itself after one call (as with me... and the jump for the battery). He's got more excuses for not bothering to even try. I said I'd drop down tomorrow and we can talk about it. Honestly, as I told him: the money is there, and if those who actually worked to pay into it and need it don't go for it... trash will roll in and take it. (I thought of the shit next door... “farm in VT” and now in NY... sponging... “Good friends with Bernie” and yet her useless arse is here, in NY... in Essex cty. sucking off the teat of NY! How it just puts me in a mood to actually hurt... but...) We'll see what happens tomorrow... Probably nothing. I've been “here” before. Fuck me... I tried with Jackie... and from that, what did I get? “You're verbally abusive.” Oh well... I won't be going “the extra” any more. That's for certain. - I DID manage to get a nice “tracing of Yonah though... to get started with a water-colour. I wanted to get started with the actual painting but spent entirely too much time yammering with Dan. (But it was good to be out in the sun-shine... and it helped my vision a bit. I wonder if much of the problem isn't the glasses, the staring at the computer screen, the darkness of the shit-box. What-ever.) I AM looking forward to getting SOMETHING PAINTED SOON! (Plan: TWO... one for Deborah... the “better” of two for here... and then... THEN... if this turns out well... MORE of Yonah! FILL A WALL! “Plans”.... It used to be so easy... It's the “vision” now, more than anything... I don't like to be reminded... I'M GETTING... “GOTTEN”... FUCKING OLD! - Now... I DID manage to get Yonah's Journal onto the server for today... I've jotted notes for me to be filled in (which I'm doing now, on Monday at 15.07... FUCK! ANOTHER DAY GONE!) - The WINDS are REALLY picking-up out there this evening! There's still some warmth to them though. That's a bit of a relief. BUT... tonight... 1° (yes, “plus”) but a chill of -2. Tomorrow's “high” is to be only 3 (plus again) with a chill of 0°. Allegedly, it's 13° out there right now... I MUST have gotten to about 18 or 20 today! But... in the coming fort-night... single digits... most of them “plus”... but most of the “minuses” for the nights. Oh well... lovely Spring we had... today. - The “H” key on this lap-top is “off”... it' sticks, skips, needs a pounding. I wonder if Yonah didn't poop into the key-board on one of his “visits” to the doves on the screen. This lap-top is about to shit the sheets soon anyway... it's just a matter of time... and a replacement is out of the realm of reality any time before January... 2023... IF I'm even around then... (THAT ALL depends on Yonah... of course.) - Anyway... Yonah is tucked-in for the night and it's time for a quick nosh, Brit and off to the RACK! I want to be up and AWAKE in the morning when Yonah calls. (Fucking “Monday” again.) -
22.11 WIND!!!! WITH GUSTS OF 55MPH... JUST IN FROM A SMOKE ON THE FRONT AND ONE OF THE SNOW SHOVELS AT THE PEE-OH STRUCK THE MIDDLE WINDOW! COULD HAVE GONE THROUGH! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE TRUCK. I WAS READY FOR BED AT 21.30... GOOD THING I DIDN'T AND CHECKED THE FORECAST. UNTIL 1.00! WELL! THERE GOES A NIGHT'S SLEEP... IF I WAS TO HAVE ANY ANYWAY... CRANKED THE FURNACE TO 70F FOR A WHILE... JUST IN CASE OF OUTAGE. “SUCH FUN”! BOLLOCKS! - TO THE RACK... FOR A SNOOZE... IF THIS WIND IS TO GO UNTIL 1.00, I'LL SET AN ALARM FOR THEN... TO CHECK.
Mon.07.Mar: 8.00 Yonah is up, “morning routine” is complete... I didn't get up and about until about 7.00 so I'm in a REALLY miserable, shitty, FTW mood right now... So, here's the fucking run-down of the night:
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• I'd gotten into bed at about 22.45, alarm for 1.00 set. But I couldn't get “comfortable”, listening to the wind POUND AND SLAM this damned old box! I laid there, “plotting and planning” in case the wind blew the roof off, or blew a window in... and so... that dragged on and on and ... I HALF-DOZED FOR A BIT WHEN... • it was about mid-night and... FIRST BANG-RUMBLE! THAT'S what jolted me out of the “daze of the doze”! And when I say “RUMBLE” I mean... I FELT it in the bed-room! As I laid there, trying to pull my brain into some sort of gear... • FOLLOWED BY “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! • I got up, grabbed the old ATT phone to use it as a light and went into Yonah's room to find him very much awake. • AS I WAS HEADING INTO YONAH'S ROOM... ANOTHER “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! He was startled and frightened and my anger started! • His room was nice and warm when I got in there though, that was a comfort. • I no sooner got to his house when... SECOND BANG! AGAINST THE WALL! The old shit-sack must have been stammering about in the dark, but WTAF? Against that wall? I thought, for the briefest moment, of going over to check on it but then... FUKKIT! The spore has no concern or respect for me so... AND YONAH was upset... take care of “HOME” first and foremost and to HELL with THAT thing over there. • I tried to calm Yonah but the second BANG made it all worse... for HIM AND MY ATTITUDE! • AS I was trying to calm Yonah and figure out how to illuminate the house a bit, wind HAMMERING AGAINST THE HOUSE... • THIRD BANG! AGAINST THE WALL !!! I was at wits' end! Had I not needed to get some light in the house... I'd've been at that door with a vengeance! • I went about getting tea-lights together, in any little glasses that I could find... just for some “illumination”, with all the banging and crashing next door, there was no telling where the night was heading... • set up 2 tea-lights in Yonah's room (one in the little hurricane lamp, both on the little wood round table) • Lit the terracotta heaters for light and warmth, in case... • When all was “settled”, stepped-out for a smoke and to check on the window screens. AMAZINGLY, they were all on the windows! The weather report was that the winds were “south-western” so the brunt wsa puching the screens against the windows. Thankfully, because if I lose the ones on the bed-room windows... I I don't know WHAT I'll do there. That wind would have pushed the panes in! • Well... Wind still blowing... A SKY PACKED WITH MAGNIFICENT STARS! THE STARS THAT WE NEVER SEE ANY MORE IN THIS HELL-HOLE HAMLET! BREATH-TAKING! • Mme. Moron's place in darkness. I didn't care then, I don't care this morning (Though “it” must have survived because there's a light on... although, it COULD be off some-where, on a floor, in a corner, in a coma, and that light was on before the power went out last night... I still don't care.) • Came back in and settled on Yonah's futon... he was still awake and coo'ing and THAT pissed me off! • Put the candles out in his room... and he calmed for the night. I guess the coo'ing was telling me “PUT OUT THE LIGHTS!” • Mostly because I was aggravated because of the t to Yonah, I was wheezing as I laid on the futon! Annoying me! And “clearing” the congestion was an annoyance to Yonah. I laid there, considering going to the bed-room when I started to doze off and was “awakened” by... the sound of the fridge! • 2.00 and the power was back on. • I got up and went to the bed-room... |
“woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL WAS UP AND READY FOR THE DAY! SWEET-HEART! HE TOO, HAD A DISTURBED NIGHT! BUT HE WANTED “UP” SO... I put the kettle on and went in to get him together. As I made coffee, I got the morning water together and did that as coffee was preparing. “Morning routine” complete, I got dressed, stepped out for a smoke and a “check” of the house and environs. - Window screens are in but I have to work on the one in Yonah's room... upper left corner needs securing. The garage door is wide open. BUT... All the trees are intact.
JOHN'S (NEW RUSSIA'S?) FLAG POLE WAS TAKEN-DOWN! Must have been QUITE the wind-storm! And now, at 8.15... jammies in on the soak, Yonah is up and set-up for the morning. And me? I'm FEELING the broken night... SO TIGHT IN THE CHEST, STOMACH IN A “BIND”, BOWELS ARE “OFF KILTER”, and my head seems to be some-where over the rain-bow. Honestly, for a while, last night, I wouldn't have been surprised if this entire shit-box had been blown to splinters. I pondered what I would do if that happened... and how to get Yonah out and where we'd go, or staying in the truck. (That “Homelessness” kicking-in again. Fine... Life prepared me for these times, but I'd much prefer that I didn't NEED that preparation.) Frankly, I'm rather amazed the old shit-box survived. It truly was a night... and this thing is about 205 years old! And, to be sure, NOTHING of substance has ever been done to/for it. I'm not questioning... - Thankfully, it isn't bitter cold this grey but terribly damp morning. But with this FATIGUE... IT'S “So much for actually accomplishing anything... I see snoozes coming”... but I just don't feel well-enough for one at the moment. Maybe by getting the blood moving, things will improve... - Were it not for Yonah... I'd just go back to bed and “wait for God”, as it were. As for that Communist next door... maybe I'll hear about how I didn't even bother to check... maybe I won't. In any case, I didn't and won't. - Now... on with the what-ever. 14.39 There are at least 100 things I COULD be doing... 500 that I SHOULD be doing and yet, here I sit... “doing” this. - I'm not feeling at all “right” today and hoping that it's simply the after-math of last night and the interrupted sleeping and not sleeping. The “stomach” is contracting, my head is off in the ether, my sinuses feel some-what packed, my bowels are “there” and I've had a BM... only just recently. BUT... there's no washing to be done because I DID manage to get THAT much done this rainy morn. Why? Because it was there and I NEEDED to MOVE about some-how, for some reason... excuse. I'd put it on the line and the rains commenced. The sweats are now in the shower, VERY wet, indeed, the jeans and a shirt, still on the line, VERY wet, indeed. And here I sit, in Yonah's room, and he's in the living-room. And I'm having a peppermint tisane, hoping that it “settles something”. What-ever. And there are notes from this morning to “fill-in”. And I haven't even gotten to Yonah's journal... I've slept... took an hour's “snooze”... with my BESTIE, from 11-noon. It's one of those days where I'd swear that, if I simply “let go”... I'd “let go”. Oh well... - E-mail from Deborah. They too, are “having a day of it” with flooding and such. She said she's going to “nap” today and suggested that I “snuggle with Yonah”. So I won't be going down there. Was going to go to Dan's but, truthfully, I don't have the energy. I SHOULD run the truck after last night and all this wet. But... I'll be sorry tomorrow if I try then. Run to Deborah's, maybe to Dan's, maybe look for the spring (again). I don't know... that's “tomorrow”, this is “today” and I just don't have the energy for any of it. - Fill-in the blanks time from this morning and then... what comes next. - 16.41 FINALLY! Caught up with THIS journal... Now... I have Yonah's.
MUST ADD: THERE ARE NO FLAGS ALONG THE MAIN! THE WIND (“NATURE”) TOOK THEM ALL! Across the road... McFuknut's. - THAT one happened by as I was just having a smoke... FUKME but... “conversation”... I swear, it reminds me of the days in Wingdale... speaking nicely to the psychotics. (Is it any wonder that my body is falling apart... with all this aggravation and annoyance being “held-in”. I would SO enjoy an all-in-all-out... THROAT-PUNCHING FEST! Well? THEY won't let ME have MY flags... “Nature” attends.
The spices and oil arrived today! YAY! Now to figure where to put them all and I'm SO ANXIOUS ABOUT YONAH'S NEW POOL! - Meal on the hob... this day just passed TOO bloody quickly! - Oh... I HOOVERED THE HELL out of the key-board... it seems to be working MUCH better now... Still... a new unit... one of these days... but PLEASE NOT BEFORE I CAN AFFORD IT! There's just too much at stake with computer these days. And I need to get stuff printed... like banquing records... - On with the evening. - I might just try for bed shortly after Yonah's “tuck-in” tonight. MIGHT. Poor little guy. I've been shit for companionship today. (And THAT pisses me off too... It SHOULD have been a night of: wake, see no electric, check the security of the house and go back to bed... to sleep. But NO! Well... that was last night... must to leave it there.) - 19.50 Yonah is tucked-in... there's a rain falling out-side tonight. I'm just about ready to hit the rack already. The sweats are on the rack in the living-room, the jeans and shirt on the rods in the shower. The house is settled... all in place. I'm going to take night pills, have something extremely light for a bit of something in the stomach to go with the pills and I'll be off to the rack in shortest order (hopefully by 21.00). I was contemplating a shower but... not necessary, really, and sleep is more important. And tonight, the anxiety of a repeat of last night's bull-shit-fuckerie hangs over me. I almost wish there was a door between the two rooms. But I'll leave Yonah's door open a bit wider tonight... just i case, and should the need arise... FACE-PUNCHING in the night! I've taken ALL I'll take from THAT over there. But I can't help but think that last night drove a point: NO... IF YOU FALL... I WILL NOT COME TO CHECK ON YOU... YOU'RE VERY MUCH ALONE THERE NOW. (Of course, I'm assuming it thinks at all. But if it does... OH... I wonder what sort of “commentary” will come along... We'll find out, I'm sure.) - But for now... Yonah's journal is coded... this one's next and that's the end of the day! - WE MADE IT! And he must have been tired too tonight because there was little-to-no resistance to “seepie-nigh-night”. POOR LITTLE SOUL! THIS is NOT the life I want for him... so... we'll keep looking... indeed. - 22.08 and so much for “21.30”. Fuck me... Off to THE RACK!
Tue.08.Mar: 18.42 Imagine THIS... JUST getting to today's journal entry! I was up with the 6.00 alarm (begrudgingly) and Yonah called at 6.34 and it was non-stop, save one snooze, all day! - It started out cold and damp and moved on to bright, sunny and cold and damp. BUT... I'VE STARTED A WATER-COLOUR OF YONAH! AND IT'S SO GOOD THAT YONAH FLEW TO IT AND COO'ED AT IT... SEVERAL TIMES! AND I PAINTED WITH THE PHOTO ON THE LAP-TOP AND YONAH IN FRONT OF IT! WHAT A DAY! EH? - Shame, really, that it now takes me ALL day to “START” a water-colour... ONE! - BUT MY EYES ARE SO FUCKED-UP! IT WAS ACTUALLY DIFFICULT TO SEE WHAT I WAS DOING! I HAD TO WEAR TWO PAIRS OF GLASSES FOR THE DETAILS, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE “FEATHERS” YET! NOW I'M TRULY CONCERNED ABOUT THIS. BUT I WILL MENTION IT TO DEMURO ON MONDAY... I'VE GOT A LIST... AND I'M GOING TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST THIS TIME. I MUST BE HEALTHY... KNOW ALL I NEED TO KNOW... IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT I'M HERE FOR YONAH! - Checked the delivery on Yonah's new pool... the shit-sax are sending it USPS! I have the worst gut-feeling it's going to arrive either cracked or in shatters! I'll slip a few cogs... - Deborah came to the PO this morning as I was having a smoke and didn't want all the peanuts when I gave them to her. “Keep them for Yonah.” she said. But I told her that I have entirely too much and that they'll just go bad. She took them... saved me a trip with the truck. - The truck? I took it for a run up the Hill again today... this after-noon, in search of “the spring”. The ONLY thing I found was some water running down the side of a hill over some rocky area. But it comes from some “cleared area” at the top of the hill, so I've no idea where its source is. And I can't imagine people filling jugs at that sort of place and using it as drinking water. I have the Walmarde container with but didn't stop. I might go back tomorrow... just to get water for the trees! THEY NEED IT! It can't be any worse than the river... And the river is open off the falls but there's no way to get to the water. And the bridge is one massive ice jam... no access there either. SHIT! Oh well... - But it was a GLORIOUS day with Yonah... to be sure. - Oh... and when I drove by Dan's, one car was gone so I figured he wasn't in so... I didn't get to see him today either. Then too, I'm not really “excited” about talking with him about “programs” because he strikes me as another one of those who you try to “help” and they just dismiss. Oh well... - Meanwhile... THERE'S A GRINDING NOISE... ON THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE TRUCK AS IT ROLLS! AND I HAVE A FEELING IT'S ON THE REAR PASSENGER SIDE... YOU KNOW... THE BRAKES I JUST HAD WORK DONE ON... FOR THE SECOND TIME IN UNDER A YEAR! Well? I'll see how long I can go with it this way. There's nothing I can do about it... until January... I just hope it'll pass inspection in July. - In other news... there's is no other news... - I'm sitting here with Yonah... and it's time to “wind-down” already... SHIT! Another day gone too quickly. And he's been SO WONDERFUL all day... he's even been back in the living-room! I'm SO glad he's getting exercise. One thing though... he tends to do a LOT of walking... I HOPE he's able to fly! I wonder about his weight, and that wing... I wonder if it isn't causing him some kind of pain or discomfort. But he's SO LOVING... then again... birds NEVER SHOW pain. He's my inspiration. (The ONLY reason I want to check me medically is for him... Other-wise... ) - His journal page for today is almost complete... I'll have to “quote” again for the particulars of today for me...:
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Well, the “sketch went well, taken from a photo from a little while ago. The basic out-line with-out all the back-ground particulars. And from there, a bit of a “transfer” to the water-colour paper that (ashamedly) hasn't truly seen the light of any day in all-too-many years. OK. Steps one and two were a fair success, now it was a matter of applying the colour and trying to remember the techniques that were once almost “second nature”. The only way to know whether or not I “could” was to just begin... and so I did. For reference, I pulled-up the photo on the lap-top, situated all the materials on the table and... began. It went slowly as I tried to recall old education born of practise, but it seemed to be working “well-enough” when... FLUTTER-FLUTTER-FLUTTER... WHISTLE... AND THERE... my little “inspiration and muse” had seen his photo and had come in for a closer look. Yonah does that, I've come to learn: ANY photo of him attracts him almost immediately! Videos and photos of other mourning doves spark his curiosity, but ANY image of HIM is, well, it's almost clinical “narcissism”, or so it would seem. He HAS to get “up-close” and he takes-in just about every possible angle, looking close, taking steps back, over to the left, the right, back in and a few pecks here and there. Whether on the lap-top or a print, it's the same response/reaction and THIS time was NO exception. I've learnt, from experience, that, if he's to be on the key-board, which is his best location... for him... the key-board MUST be covered! It's a matter of, well, “poop” AND his “typing” and stepping on “function” keys. Pages and images appear, disappear. Little “messages” pop up and away as he makes his way up and down, back and forth across the keys. So... I put a bit of card-board over the key-board and continued on with my little endeavour. All the while, listening to the “tap, tap, tap” as Yonah “investigated” this “dove in the window” of the screen. He wasn't a distraction at all and it really DID help me quite a bit because, there's no better “reference” than the actual “subject” and... there he was. He stayed on the key-board all the while I worked. But the GREATEST fun was when I'd decided that the “sketch” was, at least for the while, complete and I was curious to see how well (or not) I'd done. I held it up at arm's length from me and as I inspected... WOOSH! FLUTTER-FLUTTER-FLUTTER! YONAH HAD SEEN THE PAINTING AND WAS IN FOR THE “CLOSE-UP INSPECTION AND CRITIQUE”! Seems to me that it's rather a “reasonable facsimile” because it received the same response as a photo! He toddled up and down my arm, and, coming in close, gave the painting a couple of “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo's”. He didn't appear to be “insulted” even when I laughed (which I HAD to do) and said “That's YOU... silly. What do think of it?” He looked at me, then back at the painting and gave another “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”. “Approval”? I can only hope so. But what a JOY, to see his reaction! And, quite the inspiration to continue... working with this sketch AND as I'd very much like, more paintings of him. There are some photos that I'd like to take as a “challenge” and, well, maybe do enough to make a “wall” of water-colours... of Yonah. (Yes, in case no-one's noticed... it's an actual “obsession”... and one of which I am quite and most proud! That's my Little Guy... my Heart-and-Soul... my “Love”... and as I've said often... my “Life”!) When, later, I “re-visited” the work that had been done, I was sitting on the futon and held the pad up to get a good look at it, Yonah was having a bit of a nosh, his back to me but, some-how, he must have “sensed” and over he came, onto my arm, got right up to the painting, gave a loud “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo!” and then took a bit of a flight, landing right at the top edge of the pad! Honestly, it IS amazing... If nothing else, he sees and recognises a mourning dove... even a painting! (And to think there are people who deny mourning doves are “cognizant”. Oh well, there's just no... nope... none.) |
Wed.09.Mar: 8.41 I can't believe that I actually got into bed last night, got comfortable and went right to sleep... and “slept” THROUGH the night... AGAIN! (There's a “remedy” lingering... I'm going to have to “pay” for this... and “pay” painfully... I'm sure of that.) - 10.07 CHANGED THE POLITICAL: “CONSERVATIVE”... and had a lovely visit at the PO with Robin and Amy... talking about SPAC. How nice to have a “history” with folks. And Amy mentioned having lived in Bristol (VT) and, come to find out... SHE TOO, has a terrible “dislike”... “rude, arrogant” &c. I wanted to tell her about the “thing” next door but didn't get the chance. Probably better. - Anyway... Today commenced, “officially” at 6.32 with a lengthy “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! AND, this morning, at 6.00, when I put breakfast out for the Yardies (and, as I'm seeing, it's only blue jays... I'd like, VERY MUCH, to know WHERE the juncos AND MOURNING DOVES have gone to!)... in the silence of this grey, cold and damp morning.... from the trees... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo”... TWICE! THE MOURNING DOVES ARE OUT THERE... NOW... WHY ARE THEY NOT EATING HERE? - But Yonah? Oh... he was up, stretching and about already when I got in to him. - It was another one of those mornings when I would have liked to just stay in the bed... but I got up and on my own roll quickly. And, of course, right after morning “pills”... the stomach troubles began. MAYBE I'm going to have to figure a new regimen for these vits. 1T QID? There's something about these “China vits”... I'd swear to it... Either that or the soy. What-ever... - Robin said that there's another HEAVY SNOW coming on Saturday... météo says “15cm”... inches again? -5 and sun on Sunday... we can only “hope”... Meanwhile... looks like I'll be rolling tomorrow... It's grey, cold, damp today... I'm in no mood... I'll figure “noshes” when I have to... there ARE 2 containers of “French Vanilla” in there anyway... I just might... we'll see. - But for now... I've managed to change the politics, adjust the books for the 3$ difference, am getting the journals... and Yonah has just had a bit of a “brunch”. On to... “water-colour” (whilst I can still see at all... my eyes are fucking mess again this morning... “3” and “8” look the same, completing the “registration” was quiet an effort. Monday... let's see what comes of it....) - 18.43 Well, it's been a day... FATIGUE for the most part. I've had snoozes, lie-downs, naps... I DID manage to get through Yonah's photos, even made a “GIF”... and got them posted to his site... and to his Journal. - TRIED to get to painting but he wouldn't have it. Looks like I'm going to have to learn to paint at the kitchen table if I'm ever going to get ANY paintings of him done at all! I pull-up the photo, or open the pad and he's ALL OVER the key-board and the pad! What a character. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! And we did get in some play time... so there's that. - But over-all... pffttt... - Got an e-mail from Deborah today. She woke to vomiting this morning. It's been “that kind of day”. - We didn't get today's snow so... But it IS showing on the “radar” map so I've no doubt it's lurking. I just hope it doesn't decide to arrive tomorrow! - Deborah says “cheap” gas is up to 4,80/gal. today. I'm looking at OVER 5$ tomorrow, I've no doubt. And with the cold coming... I don't dare start ethanol now. Not that gas has anything to do with the scratching of the rear wheel. Oh well... all things in their own time. - I hit the “French Vanilla” this evening. I simply can't just “save”. After all the way things are going... it probably won't be long until we won't have... and won't need. - It's 18.48 and that SHIT next door is moving about, tapping, thumping, what-ever it is it does of an evening. She's making me physically sick... and I'm going to make sure to mention it on Monday's visit with the MD. Not that it'll help any but... at least it'll be known... and that thing goes to the same place for medical, and it has more than I do so... let's just let the “secret” out... I see no reason why I shouldn't. - Anyway... Yonah had a little bit of egg today... a little bit. And I had the rest of the 2 for “mid-day”... Evening meal: 2 eggs, veggies, cheese... ice cream. I put too much salt in though. Oh well. - And now... on to Yonah's Journal. At least I can get that much done for the day. - No telling about tomorrow. It might be in best interest to get up, get Yonah settled and head to town... get that all out of the way straight away. - AND CHECK THE OIL... AND IF NEED BE... CALL “EMERGENCY”. I don't plan on them helping in ANY way... but if I call, at least they can “record” it... Fuck! For almost 3 years I've managed on the “regular award”... THIS year... at THESE prices... I'm pretty sure there have been a LOT of calls... for a LOT of “emergencies”. GOOD! If the money is there... I'll take the oil! After all, THAT thing next door, farm-life in another state, comes hauling it's fat, delusionally-entitled arse over here. to the state in which I've worked MOST of my life-time, paying into funds? Oh, all too simply... FUKDATSHIT! - I have to move along... - AND THE BLOODY FURNACE IS JUST KICKING IN! (I might have to make a “night visit” to the cellar... OH THE DREAD!) - 20.16 Yonah's journal is posted. Yonah is tucked-in... now I'm hoping that shit-sack doesn't suddenly become animated... it was over there “tapping” at about 16.30... do nothing all bloody day... Anyway... I'm posting this to the server and getting on with getting to bed and dreading tomorrow's running... hoping that that shit-box FamDoll has smokes... if not... back to Lewis... and GAS! But... groceries too so... - 22.01 I even got Yonah's video from today posted on-line! And now... an hour later than I'd “determined” I'd be ON THE RACK... off to brush my “tooth” and... TO THE RACK... Dear Hell, am on my way. - Oh... the sky is absolutely CLEAR... with “double moon” and, thankfully “double” stars (these damned eyes)... “Thankfully” for the “double” because, with that bloody-fucking street light... the ABSENCE of stars is the most notable aspect of them... I KNOW there are BILLIONS up there... but, thanks to the ignorance and stupidity of shit-sax full of lies... one could actually COUNT the VISIBLE stars up there in the night. Makes me SICK!
Thu.10.Mar: 5.57 Out of bed with first alarm this morning... and I'm dressed and in from a halfie already. And I did manage a night with-out “breaks” again, last night. So I'm quite “concerned” about that. Of course, there's still the pain in the groin, so, at least I didn't wake completely painless. There's that much. And now... I need to get the garbage out of here, a little shopping. Isn't it just wonderful how I was SO looking forward to being able to build a “savings” account this year and... well... NO, again? Ah.... first thing in the morning. Is it any wonder that my gut is spasming already again? - Well... another day... - My Little Guy will be up soon and the world can go nail itself to a cross, for all I care. We'll get by. - 8.07 OIL CHECKED... JUST BELOW THE HALF... AT THIS RATE, BY THE END OF MARCH... I SHOULD BE *AT* 1/4 TANK... WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE NORMAL... FROM SINCE I ARRIVED AT THIS SHIT-BOX. OH WELL... AT LEAST THERE'S NO NEED TO CALL FOR AN “EMERGENCY”... NEVER MIND “NEED”, THEY'D DENY IT ANYWAY. STILL, IT'S COMFORTING TO SEE THAT MUCH THIS MORNING. Now... I've just popped-in the electric reading... Last bill was “estimated” so I have NO clue as to what THIS is going to do... BUT... the “Budget” doesn't end until September so... unless THIS is COMPLETE CLUSTER-FUCK... and they UP the “budget”... well... we shall see. - Major horror du matin is done. Now... to the truck... later. I'm in no particular rush to hear the grinding of the wheels. - HEY! MY LITTLE GUY IS UP AND ABOUT AND THERE WAS ACTUALLY SUN SHINING IN ON HIS ORANGE TREE THIS MORNING! - “Life” is PERFECT! - 16.33 I GOT WATER FROM THE RIVER! I GOT TO THE MARKET! I GOT A PACK OF SHITTY MARLBORO! AND I STOPPED AT DAN'S, EN ROUTE BACK FROM THE RIVER... AND STAYED ENTIRELY TOO LONG! (And I STINK of cigarettes! Those “Indian” shit-sticks! HORRID! Shower tonight! And lavage demain! Câlisse!) AND THE PLANTS GOT RIVER WATER! And I Hoovered. So I guess I've “accomplished something” with this sunny day! - BUT I DIDN'T SPEND THE AFTER-NOON WITH MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL AND THAT TEARS AT ME! - And I haven't gotten to HIS Journal at all today. And he's been SO LOVING! I MISSED HIM SO MUCH! - And now... “meal”... veggies, pasta and I'll crumble 2 eggs in it. Oh well... Veggies are good... I suppose. There isn't much pasta in there though. I COULD have put some black-eye peas in but... There's chicken to cook tomorrow too... TOMORROW... before it STINKS! And for some reason, it doesn't take long before “market chicken” “turns - 19.26 House stinks from cooking! Horrid! I stink from the smoking at Dan's. He smoked. I didn't. Good thing. Reminds me of Bradshaw, and how, when-ever I'd be at his place for a week-end (or even a day) I'd come back home, strip-down, and soak the one set of clothes that I'd always wear when going there. (I wonder if he ever noticed. He'd never mentioned it.) Anyway... THESE clothes MUST be washed! AND I MUST SHOWER BEFORE GETTING INTO BED! (I remember THAT too.) - Yonah tuck-in 19.25 tonight. He seemed to be tired tonight. We had an “active” day, I suppose, even though I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I prefer... as I'd've liked... I feel a shit for that. - BUT THEN, THE PLANTS ARE WATERED WITH RIVER WATER! Not the shit that comes out of the tap! I can almost feel their relief! I'll head down to the river for more water tomorrow if there's no snow in morning, as threatened. - Taking naprox. little nosh, tele, shower... RACK! Tired. That's the plan. Let's see how that rolls-out. - 21.35 SHOWERED AND NOW... TO THE RACK! Another night of looking forward to a night of sleep... and HELL.
Fri.11.Mar: 16.37 I'm SO FAR BEHIND WITH JOURNALS AGAIN!... ONLY JUST FINISHED YONAH'S JOURNAL... FOR YESTERDAY! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL DAY? DAMNED IF I CAN SAY... A 45 MINUTE SNOOZE... A TRIP TO THE RIVER FOR 15 LITRES OF WATER... (all the bottles are full... now to re-fill that Walmarde jug and... we're COMPLETE) BUT THIS IS FUCKED-UP. ALTHOUGH... YONAH AND I HAVE HAD SOME ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL TIME TOGETHER TODAY! IT'S BEEN ANOTHER REALLY “CLOSE” ONE! I'M STILL ABSOLUTELY AMAZED AT HOW HE ACTUALLY SHOWS THAT HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME! OH YES... “WE ARE A UNIT”... TOGETHER. AND THAT'S NEVER WASTED TIME. IT'S ODD, ALMOST, HOW, I THINK OF THE DAY WHEN HE'S NO LONGER WITH ME, AND HOW I'M SO “AT PEACE” WITH “LEAVING” AS QUICKLY AFTER... AND IF I HAVE SOME SORT OF “SPIRIT”, IT BEING SET FREE AND TAKING-OFF TO FIND HIS! THE ROMANTICISM IS SILLY, CHILDISH, REALLY. BUT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF WAKING IN THE MORNING, GOING THROUGH A DAY... NO “MORNING CALL”... NO COO'ING, AND NO “CUDDLES AND KISSES” AT NIGHT... HIS FACE... THE EMPTINESS... IT'S WORSE THAN ANY RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE-TIME. I WON'T, CAN'T... JUST WON'T. - OH... AND FIRST THING THIS MORNING? ALL THE “LAVAGE” WAS DONE! EVEN THE SHERPA. SO THERE'S THAT. NO SMOKEY CLOTHING ABOUT THE PLACE... I WAS “RESPONSIBLE”. BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FOCUS... DAMNIT! - Note... it's been a “painful” day too... chest/stomach... left hip... and a “dizzy spell”. FUCK ME! YONAH IS MY LIFE... I'M ENJOYING THIS WORLDLY BULL-SHIT SESSION FOR A CHANGE... IF “LIFE” IS ANYTHING AS IT USUALLY IS... I'm not going to think about it.... FUCK! Mother suffered through all those years of HELL and when “Life” changed for here... DONE! And all those years at Calvary and hearing the accounts of the patients... “Just when life seemed to be getting really good...” I suppose that's what this “existence” truly is. As mother used to say “There is no 'Hell'... THIS is 'Hell'. After this, there's only 'Peace'.” Maybe she was right. And I've often, if not always thought: “Hell IS here... The 'good times' are to keep up mournful missing them when the intended Hell comes back.” - 20.10 I'm tired... it's late... yesterday still has to be done... Today too. But I got the chicken cooked. I don't like the look of it any more... it's rather “shredded”... even when raw! The breasts are too large... I dread the thought of what those poor chickens have been put through to make them the monsters they are. I'm going to have to find an alternative... short of driving to Lake Placid (which I don't trust any more or less than the market) or Plattsburgh. But this has to GO! And as for the “beef”... I'm not even sure about that either. This is getting disgusting! Once upon a time I wouldn't have cared... cancer, what-ever... BUT I WILL NOT LEAVE YONAH! I'm curious to see what the blood-work shows come Monday... and the rest of what-ever is done. - The news mentioned 6 kids died or almost died from “fentanyl” during the week. It was in the coke they took. There was mention of the fact that it's in all sorts of medications and pills and such... Manufactured in China, shipped via Mexico, the Fed doesn't give either shit or fuck. And I wonder what's in the vitamins I'm taking... which is why I'll take them until Monday's blood draws... and we'll see how that works. Next month... ordering the old “Kirkland”... though I want to see where they're from too. Oh... just staying alive... - As I had my smoke just now, on the front porch, I thought: I could simply just give-up, give-in, let go... IF I have to manage for any time after Yonah... that's just what I'll do anyway... no more fighting... not even trying. Just “let go”... let what-ever take course. BUT FOR NOW... NO! I'LL FIGHT AND DO WHAT I MUST... TO BE HERE... FOR YONAH! - And John has his “LGB” flag up again. How I envy him that. But... the “knells” are posted. Here we go, folks! I just don't give a shit. That hag will be back and I'm not playing the game any more. We'll see how it turns. Between that one on the hill, the one in the back... and the one next door... This “dream” I'm living needs a “wake up”. - Ii've set the clocks ahead so... I'll be off to bed soon... try to get that “hour” attended. If I get to the rack at “21.00 Standard”, these clocks will already be 22.00. The alarms are set at the same time of “5.30, 5,45, and 6.00”... tomorrow morning, the other clocks will read “6.30, 6.45 and 7.00”... If Yonah wakes at the “6.30” hour, it will be “7.30” but as the day progresses, it will all fall into place... until “seepie-nigh-night”... I'm just going to have to adjust to “tuck-in” at 20.30... and getting to bed by 22.00 no matter what. But tonight's a good time to start. - Moving along... I'll get to this Journal tomorrow... Yonah's is to-date! And that's all that matters. - Oh... Anita actually stopped and chatted this evening. Charming. Mostly weather... and Yonah. They're of no “help” to me for anything, but I enjoy being in their “favourable” side. - Deborah was by this morning, gave me an article from the NYTimes about animals' “personalities”. We talked... weather. I was going to go down there for water today but she said no, so I went here instead... 15 LITRES OF RIVER WATER !!! AT LAST !!! ALL THE JUICE JUGS THAT WERE SET-ASIDE FOR THE PLANTS ARE FULL! NEXT... RE-FILL THE WALMARDE... BUT THERE'S NO RUSH ON THAT. STILL... 15 LITRES! YEAH BABY! - Yonah is tucked-in... most of this day is ALL ABOUT HIM... of course. - And... the Sherpa and the “under-things” are on the rack drying... - OK... so there was SOMETHING about today... - Enough of this... my back, groin, nuts hurt. - 21.45 (22.45 it's going to be a difficult morning). Snow not arrived. All's calm... all's bright. I've had too much ice cream... running low on smokes... Sunday run? It's OUR ANNIVERSARY! I DON'T WANT TO RUN! - Checked Sx for CA testicle... could be but... I'll have to “check” for stuff. I'd rather not go to Demuro for that... don't know why not... just would rather not. - Off to the rack... I am sore though. - The furnace kicked for the first time in a while... still set at 65F. Hmmmm... Thankfully... there's oil... but..
Sat.12.Mar: 6.19 Yeah... even with the clocks changing... this old body TOOK the “necessary” time and I didn't get out of the bed until... about 5.45. So much for the “extra hour” I was going to have taken. - It's raining. The house is cold-damp. And I'm waiting for “morning call”... let's see. - Feeling “ick”, as if I'd actually gone to the rack “late”. Ah, but then again... all that ice cream last night. Oh... Monday will be most telling... or... more likely... not. - Anyway, here we are... another morning. On we go then. - 6.37 No “call” yet? OK... my anxieties commence. - I just caught up with this Journal. Odd-but-not, there's SO much on Yonah's Journal... so little here. But Truth is: my days, nights, moments, hours... really, they all ARE Yonah. “Life” is Yonah now. (People don't know, won't know... it'll all be recorded, clearly, here, in these Journals... Journals that mean nothing to anybody but me.) - 6.39 THE CALL! YEAH! - 12.18 JUST FINISHING CLEANING-OUT THE ALCOVE IN YONAH'S ROOM... AGAIN! It started because of all the card-board behind his door... and when I went to put it aside the futon, bu the alcove... SEEDS! SEEDS! AND MORE SEEDS! WELL! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE FUCK! THEN I FOUND MORE IN THE BOXES OF BAGS! SO... I SWEPT AND THEN *HAD* TO HOOVER! ON SATURDAY! THEN, WENT TO CLEAN AND RE-SET THE MOUSE-TRAPS IN THERE AND BROKE ONE AND TOOK FOREVER TO REPAIR THAT. AND NOW... IT'S DONE. - ***** AND THE SNOW IS FALLING AGAIN !!! ***** STEADILY AND CONSTANTLY AND ACCUMULATING... AGAIN !!! ***** - Maggie came by to drop off a copy of her book about a Ukrainian Jew who'd settled in New Russia many years ago. Deborah was by with zucchini bread but didn't knock. - AND I'M IN PAINS IN PLACES THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE... MY HEAD IS ROLLING ABOUT, MY SINUSES FEEL STUFFED... MY RIBS HURT... I FEEL AS THOUGH, IF I JUST LAID DOWN AND GAVE UP... I'D “GO” TODAY. - So it's a wonderful day... - I'm going for a lie-down with Yonah who has been flying about when not on the shelf under his house... “woo-HOO!”. I WISH I KNEW WHAT WAS ON HIS MIND! - 15.54 TIRED... ALL BLOODY-FUCKING DAY! TIRED, UNCOMFORTABLE, A BIT OF PAIN... AND THE DAMNED FURNACE, SET AT 65F RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING AND YET, IN YONAH'S ROOM... 23,5°! Yes, sure, it snowed... but NOT the horrific 15-25cm! It covered all the grasses and such, but it was NOTHING like threatened. - BUT WHAT PISSES ME OFF AT THIS JUNCTURE IS THAT I FEEL I'M BEING ROBBED OF GOOD, QUALITY TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT WITH YONAH! I'M JUST MISERABLE MOST OF THE DAY, AND NAPPING, SNOOZING, NOT FOCUSED... JUST A SHIT! AND I'M RESENTFUL AND BITTER AS ALL FUCK ABOUT IT! - OH... AND THEN... THIS MORNING, I WENT TO MOVE THE CARD-BOARDS BEHIND HIS DOOR BECAUSE THIS MORNING, WHEN I WENT IN, SOMETHING HAD FALLEN AND BLOCKED THE DOOR... AND AS I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO PUT THE “BOXES” (OR TO SIMPLY THROW THEM OUT, AS I PROBABLY SHOULD BUT I WANT TO SAVE BOXES FOR MOVING... PLEASE... MOVING...) I GOT INTO THE “ALCOVE” AND HAD TO CLEAN THAT OUT... AND JUST AS I WAS FINISHING ... BLOODY SEEDS ALL OVER THE FLOOR IN THE SPACE BETWEEN THE ALCOVE AND THE FUTON !!! I KNOW I CLEANED THAT OUT NOT LONG AGO... HOOVERED WITH THE RUBBER-BRUSH ATTACHMENT! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL FUX? MICE AGAIN! SO... I GOT THE TRAPS, CLEANED THEM OUT, PUT IN FRESH PEANUT BUTTER AND BROKE ONE... HAD TO FIGURE HOW TO REPAIR THAT... DID, I THINK... BUT MORE FUCKING MICE? JEEZUS KRISTE! WELL, AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT SHITTING IN YONAH'S HOUSE... AND IF I CAN HELP IT... THEY WON'T BE... I'VE NO MORE COMPASSION FOR THEM. Maybe it's my “general malaise” but I'm fed-the-fuck-up! REALLY! AND... I'm going to HAVE to roll into Lewis tomorrow! And I DO NOT want to do that... I want to spend the day with Yonah... and I do NOT want to roll the truck that distance with that “grinding” noise! AND... I DO NOT want to spend money! Oh... just jolly-fuck this shit! - And the change of clocks tonight! At least Yonah's had his “evening snack”... It's 16.08... but tomorrow it will be 17.08... this “adjusting” is going to be difficult... HE should have to deal with this bull-shit! - OH YES... LAST NIGHT! I SWEAR THEY'VE PUT IN AN EVEN BRIGHTER FIXTURE ON THAT FUCKING POLE! IT WAS BRILLIANT LAST NIGHT, WHEN I WENT TO THE RACK (managed to sleep through again... though I don't know HOW). MY NERVES ARE SHOT TO HELL... MY PATIENCE, GONE. - AND THEN, A REPLY TO MY INQUIRY ABOUT A WHEEL FOR THE CART IN THE BACK... FROM “GARDENER'S”... “WE CAN'T FIND THE ORDER” AND “WE DON'T HAVE AN ORDER NUMBER WITH REFERENCE TO THE CONTACT INFO”. OH... BUT THEY DIDN'T ONLY GET A SCATHING “REVIEW” ON “TRUSTPILOT”... THEY ALSO GOT A BLUNT REPLY E-MAIL. FUCKING VERMONT IN-BREEDS! NOW I'LL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REPLACE THE FUCKING WHEELS MY-SELF... WITH SUBSTITUTES... FROM SOME-WHERE! WALMART? I'M RIPPED ABOUT THIS BULL-SHIT TOO! - OK... that's out and off my mind... - YONAH has been a BRILLIANT STAR through the entire day... my LOVE, my LIFE! A grey and cold day... and DIVINE GLORY... Were it not for him... I am because he is. - And now... meal is on the hob... FUCK... the day is GONE! SHIT! - 20.21 (21.21 tomorrow) The WIND is picking-up... the snow is blowing about out there! -12/-20° tonight! Well? I was planning on a run to Lewis tomorrow... preferably as early as possible, so the truck will get a “run”. So too, the bloody gas! - Yonah is tucked-in safe and sound. The day is closed. - TOMORROW... 17 MONTHS! AND HIS NEW POOL AND PLANTER DUE TO ARRIVE ON MONDAY! ANNIVERSARY PRESENTS! I'm just hopeful that all arrives as intended... in one solid piece. - I'm feeling “better” at this hour... I don't understand it. Am I going to have to eat “breakfast” from now on? HOW am I going to lose this weight, this gut, these tits? Well... we'll see what Monday's trip to the MD gives us and play it from there. - Got a reply to my reply to Gardener's. More of the same shit. But “Lisa” says she's forwarding my comments on to the other “employees”. GOOD! (She still can't find the original order for the cart so she's refusing ANY help at all. Fuktards... typical VT.) - Yonah was such a PIP today... all on his Journal which is already on-line. - And now... I've taken my naprox, will have a quick something in the stomach and head to the rack. Tomorrow's going to be “odd” indeed... that hour.
THERE'S RUMBLING NEXT DOOR... OF COURSE! FUCKING SHIT-SACK! I swear I smelled nasty cigarettes in Yonah's room today but, sometimes I wonder why I smell it... She's probably over there smoking! Qunt! HOW I SO WANT TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-BOX, AWAY, SOME-WHERE WHERE YONAH AND I CAN LIVE-OUT OUR DAYS IN PEACE.... “IT'S OUT THERE.” IT HAS TO BE!
Time to close this day... tomorrow... I dread it but... we'll see how it goes. Yonah might be up at “7.30” on the clock. This will be interesting. - I'm tired. Hopefully the electric will hold out through the night... but I'm not counting on it. I'll leave the furnace at 65F just in case. - 21.58(22.58 for tomorrow morning... I have a feeling I'm going to regret this irresponsibility! The only thing I can hope for is a night of “sleep”... what-ever that might be. I can hope... but certainly won't expect.
Sun.13.Mar: 17 MONTHS! YONAH AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 17 MONTHS!
19.39 on the clock... and I'm still sitting with Yonah, because, for him, it's still only 18.39... though it is rather some-what dark out there and his windows are closed, the back board is up... but he's eating... and I'm not about to suddenly change his routine... because of some “human stupidity”... “Daylight Savings”... bollocks! - Anyway... THIS MORNING STARTED WITH A TOUCH OF HELL! To begin with, I'd re-set the “alarm phone” for the “new time”, not remembering that it sets itself, SO... when the “5.00” alarm sounded... at the “new” time, it was 4.00! I woke to the alarm, looked at the self-setting clock on the bed-room shelf and saw the “4.00” hour and didn't believe it and couldn't figure HOW that could possibly be. BUT... I got up and checked the stove clock... same 4.00 hour. Next, checked the clock in the loo... yep... 4.00... checked the other phones and then the lap-top! They ALL read the same. I started to wonder and doubt the time change! But even as it was dawning on me (though “dawn” was still some time away out-side)... I'll just put this morning's account from Yonah's Journal in here now...:
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And it started out with a PANIC at about 6.10 this morning !!! I'd been awake for a while, from since my “usual” 5.30, primarily because of the fact that I generally need to be up and awake and about, ready when Yonah wakes, and this morning, even with the change of the clocks, I wanted to be sure to be “at the ready”, no matter what time he called. I'd prepared my morning coffee as I do, checked the weather, because I could hear the wind blowing out-side, in the dark. -10°, so they claimed, though it felt, when I'd put breakfast out for the Yardies, a touch colder. I was just about to go to the bed-room to get dressed for the day when, from behind Yonah's door I heard the FLUTTER OF WINGS !!! SOMETHING HAD FRIGHTENED HIM !!! The house was still, other than the sound of the furnace running, and all I could think of was that, perhaps one of the traps set for mice had snapped and startled him. But no matter what it was, I was IN HIS ROOM in an instant! I opened the door to his room and went directly to his house. He was still flying about in it!. Thankfully, his door was closed, and this is why I keep it closed through the night. Better he should be in there than flying about in the room, crashing into walls, windows, furniture. And as I made my way across his room, I called to him, in a soft voice: “What is it my Little Love? What is it? It's OK. I'm right here. It's OK. It's OK.” When I got to him, he was on the floor of his house, not on his perch, over in a far corner, as if trying to “escape” from something. I put on the small “computer light”, a little “LED” that gave just enough illumination for him to see me and yet, not be a sudden “burst” of brightness, and just enough so that I could see him as well. I'd brought a flash-light with, when I went in, and with it, checked him, checked about his house... My first thought was to check for bleeding, to see if anything had gotten to him and tried to attack him. Mouse, or, GODS FORBID, a RAT! There were no signs of bleeding, a good start. I checked the two traps at the opposite side of his room. Neither had been snapped. I went back to him, opened the door to his house and, still talking, still repeating “It's OK...” softly, I leaned my head in, reached over to him... He came forward, to the front of his house, toward me, and came to lean against my face! (I AM a source of “consolation” to him. He DOES recognise my voice and trusts me to keep him safe! No-where in Creation is there a higher honour, and nothing is a better source of “consolation” to me than to know that my little Heart-and-Soul finds comfort and security in me.) I reached in and gently stroked him, all the while repeating, softly, “It's OK. It's OK. I'm here. Nothing is here to hurt you. It's OK.” and he seemed to calm a bit, and hopped up onto my arm. I raised my arm , brought him to my face and he leaned against, calmly, for a few moments and then, with a hop, was back on his perch. I leaned in, he stretched his head forward to meet my face, and he gave me a couple of pecks on the cheek! With the flash-light, I did a check of his house... there were a couple of feathers about, 3 in total... NO BLOOD! Yonah was OK as far as that was concerned. I was relieved. And he was much calmer now, on his perch where he usually passes the night. He gave two soft, “hoo”s and “settled back” on his perch... What-ever it was that had frightened him had passed and apparently, he knew he was safe. I repeated, again, softly “It's OK. You're safe. Nothing here will hurt you. It's OK...” and I turned-off the little light, leaving the light from the kitchen to illuminate his room, ever-so softly... just enough so that he could see his surroundings but not be disturbed by the light. Because it was still, in effect, only about 5.30, and he normally doesn't “wake” until 6.30, I decided to leave his door open, put his door perch on and step out of his room, to let him get back to resting... and as I left, I only partially closed the door to his room so that the light from the kitchen would give some illumination... so that he could see enough to be sure that his surroundings are safe. There were no signs or any indications that anything had been at his food, either in his dish on the little shelf nor on the floor of his house. (Another good point to having white kitchen-roll there so that the seeds can be seen, and too, any “droppings”, as mice will leave behind... so I learned, from experience, when we'd had a bit of an infestation earlier in the season.) I've no actual idea what could have disturbed him this morning, but I'm relieved to have been up and awake at the moment. I wonder if it could have been something in the wind. Perhaps something blew against the house, his window? Perhaps the old house creaked. The wind is quite strong this morning. Well, what-ever it was, it isn't any longer... and now, at “7.08” (or, 6.08 in “natural” time), Yonah has been calm... and too, the house... save for the sound of the wind... and an other-wise useless plough passing (the road-way is clear, but...) and... the furnace running. Today at about 11.00, it's 17 months ago that he came into my life... that he brought me a reason and cause to be alive at all. Our “Anniversary”. 17 months. And 17 months ago, all I'd hoped for was his recover from his injuries and his safe return to his flock. I was so lost, so alone with him, so un-sure of my-self other than my hopes and wishes for him. And he's taught me so SO very much in these 17 months, AND... he's kept me alive because: I am because he is... He is, there-fore, I am. Following-up... at 7.19: “woo-Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” followed by ANOTHER “woo-Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! My Little Guy was BACK... as if NOTHING had ever happened to disturb him this morning! AND, at 7.36, he was having breakfast! We got to the “morning routine” as the bird-songs went on, curtains and blinds got opened to the day-light. (It was 7.19 on the clocks... same time yesterday would have been 6.19... WE WERE ON SCHEDULE... AGAIN... AS IF EARLIER THIS MORNING NOTHING UNUSUAL HAD HAPPENED!) It was SUCH A SWEET RELIEF! And all a part of the lessons that having Yonah in my life have taught me: Truly, “Live for the moment and don't hold onto what's passed”. As long as “now” is pleasant, let go of “before”, don't worry over “later”. We can hope for “later”, but, in Life, there are things that happen, more moments, some are pleasant, some won't be. What we CAN control, we can try. What we CAN'T control, well... “This too, shall pass”. And so, this morning's panic, for BOTH of us, passed. When I'd done with ALL of my commotion of waters and tidying his house, he had breakfast. Now THAT told me ALL I NEEDED to know: he had a GOOD appetite AND he was eating! THE WORLD WAS JUST PERFECT! No injuries, no “after-effects”. We were into another day! |
IT WAS HELL! HELL! HELL! BUT... AS THE MORNING WENT ALONG, IT WAS AS IF IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED... BUT... THEN CAME THE NEXT HORROR...
As I opened the blinds and curtains in Yonah's room I happened to notice the road... Simonds Hill... The Town Idiots had been by several times during the early hours, literally “scraping” the bare pavement and dropping their sand/de-icer combo on it at long last. BUT what I saw was of interest: there was a concentration of something “yellow” at this house! Some kind of light-but-bright yellow, and “gritty”, as though a yello ice-melt had been literally DUMPED RIGHT THERE! What concerned me the most was that it was directly out-side Yonah's room. (Secondary... that it's right beside the hamlet's water supply well.) So I went and looked it up and THERE IT WAS... "Sodium ferrocyanide also is known as yellow prussiate of soda"! *** CYANIDE *** Fine, that the articles I read (3 in all) mentioned that it's included in table salt... even KOSHER salt. It's an anti-clumping ingredient, widely and commonly used, but in portions so small that it isn't, by “law” required to be listed in the ingredients... in table salt. And, it's so slight that it isn't even noticeable in table salt. BUT HERE, on the road, it was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS SO THE QUANTITY MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE ABOVE THE “COMMON AND USUAL” AMOUNT! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE IN-BRED RETARDS? *** CYANIDE *** ??? All I could think of is me walking on that road to get to the truck, then back along the road to the house and carrying it in on my boots... leaving it on the carpet ***** WHERE YONAH WALKS ***** !!!!! Yeah, well... that I haven't (yet) gone to punch somebody's throat in is nothing short of a modern-day MIRACLE! OH, but I don't want “death”... what I'd prefer is to DROP their useless bodies, alive and breathing, into an extremely large vat of that shit... and just walk away! De-icer and CYANIDE in all! FUCK! ALL THE MORE REASON TO GET THE JOLLY-ACTUAL FUCK out of here! I did post to the Twatboard, attention that useless Qunt “Stefanik”. If nothing else, SHE is now aware (IF it even notices such things as posts addressed to it... which I doubt) of the matter AND so too, anybody else who sees it. (Rest assured, it will be mentioned further... I took photos... not very good ones, but... and I'll be posting them... and one day, with the name of the road. It's really a shame... I DO love this area... I just have come to HATE this particular bit of it. And if anything “untoward” happens to Yonah because of it being in the house, in the air, in the water... THAT will be my “Final HooRAH”! I'll take them ALL with me to HELL! If need be.
In other “news”... I DID manage to take a nap from 9-10 this morning. I was feeling the morning, to be sure. - Most of the morning hours were spent with me being in what would be considered a “senior moment”, unable to really focus on much, though I did manage to get the green fleece washed and on a rod in the shower. All the clothing I'd worn to Dan's, save the jeans, is now washed. YAY... I suppose. - When I wasn't in a daze though... I was with Yonah, and HE WAS SO ACTIVE! - (20.52) I MEAN, HE WAS NON-STOP ALL THROUGH THE DAY! He seems to be working on a new “construction project”, making a “nesting” of some sort. Mosses and such all over the floor! And PLAY? OMG as they say... He wanted to PLAY, he wanted to SNUGGLE, he wanted KISSES, ATTENTION, AFFECTION! IT WAS GLORIOUS! AND AMAZING! He obviously didn't get his full night of rest, was up SO early (3.00 in “Standard” time) but he just kept right on moving along! - At about 13.00, I decided that I had to run the truck after last night's bitter cold winds and snows, and thought I'd just settle, roll into FamDoll for a pack of shits and come back quickly. As it turned, I went to Lewis (and am happier for it). The truck ran ever-so well... once it warmed-up. The tank is now AT “half” so... I'll cry soon when it comes time to put more gas in... I have to figure that out. (I'm not touching the 100!!! I'm just NOT!) - When, at about 14.00 I got back, I came in the front door and called “Hello? Is anybody at home? Woo-HOO-hoo-hoo?” AND WHEN I LOOKED UP... YONAH WAS IN THE KITCHEN, ON HIS WAY TO THE LIVING-ROOM! HE'S GETTING TO BE SO COMFORTABLE WANDERING AROUND THE ENTIRE HOUSE! AT LONG LAST! IT WAS SO HEART-WARMING AND WONDERFUL! - I got settled-in at the work table, did the books and made a list of “ailments” on an index card for tomorrow... we'll see how much/many I actually mention... but then, MD will be typing them in on a lap-top anyway, I printed as neatly as I could so I could just give him the card and have done with it. - Took a little lie-down... with my Heart-and-Soul for a brief while after that, had a cinnamon tisane and, for the rest of the day... well... honestly, I can't say that I “accomplished” anything. - Next thing I knew, the clock read 16.00... the day was GONE! So I put my “meal” (chicken, ItalMix with some black-eye peas) on the hob, got some of Yonah's journal going... and went to eat at 17.00 (16.00 “Standard”). Yonah actually came out again to check on me as I ate! OH MY! - Meal was all of 45 minutes total... and I went back in to be with Yonah... - When the clock read 19.00, we did the water changes and closed the windows... the back board went up. Yonah sees that board and associates it with “tuck-in” so he went for a snack as I re-settled at the work table. - When the clock read 20.00, lights dimmed, musics off. And at 20.15... “tuck-in”. Hey! He was up at 3.00 this morning... He's owed time for rest! And he was ready for it too. - Tonight, I'm leaving the thermostat set at 65F and keeping his door open wider than usual. I'll be checking the mouse traps too, especially before I hit the rack. There's something that tells me that that shit-qunt next door may have banged against the wall and I didn't here it. I can't say for certain, but, should there be a repeat of this morning, tonight... there will be a “Special Hell” in this shit-box! SOMETHING will bleed... and it won't be in this part of this house. I'll pull spirits from up-stairs if I have to! My nerves are SHOT! - But for now... I want to shower tonight, before rack and I'll grab another before quack tomorrow. I want to be “odourless”. - OH... this evening I noticed... a tooth, toward the front, on the bottom, with a bit of “black” at the root where the gum seems to be receding! FUCK! THE FRONT TEETH NOW? I need work on the truck and TEETH??? I TRULY AM FALLING APART! OH FUCK FUCK FUCK! - Well... it's on the list for tomorrow... see if I can't find a dentist... and wrangle my way into SOME insurance. Apparently what “Care” doesn't cover, “Aid” might, where dental is concerned. - Hey! ALL I DEMAND of this world now is that I out-last Yonah... even for about 15 minutes... no less... no more. And I'm determined now to do what-ever it takes. - So that's that... - Yonah's Journal is current. I have a photo to include. Coding that and this, posting, quick nosh and off to shower and rack. I don't know why I have any sense of “urgency”... the appointment isn't until 14.20 tomorrow... but that's just me. - Yonah's new pool is due tomorrow morning at the Pee-Oh... I HOPE it arrives in perfect condition! And the planter, at some time during the day (FedEx!) Tuesday... HOUSE-KEEPING! NEW POOL! The planter will have to wait though, until a proper thaw so I can get another tree for it... OH... I'm excited... MORE FOR YONAH! - 21.33 SHIT! WHERE DID THE TIME GO? FUCK! BUT ALL JOURNALS ARE ON-LINE! - 23.37 showered and face trimmed, “NAP”... that's about all I'll get tonight. Thankfully, the MD appt. isn't until 14.00 tomorrow. SNOOZES WITH MY BESTIE TOMORROW!
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***** ***** ***** 14 MARCH 2022 - BEST-KEPT SECRET OF NEW RUSSIA ***** ***** ***** And the very end of feeling safe at 6690 - The last time I'll feel I'm able to properly protect Yonah. This "dream" has become a constant truly HELLISH night-mare. |
Mon.14.Mar: 6.33 (although, in “real” time... 5.33) and there's the lightest snow falling out there. The main is clear and yet, the plough just went by. How bloody... never mind. - When I look at the “clock”, THIS SHOULD be the hour when I hear “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”... but when I actually “think”, which is something I ought not engage in, Yonah won't be up for another hour... I should think. Poor Little Guy. He had a rough night of it on Sat-Sun... jolted out of sleep at what? 3.00? Well, I hope he had a beautiful night last. - Just thinking of Deborah's e-mail of yesterday. She says she's so happy to have met Yonah and I. I told her that I find her to be a rare and rapidly disappearing kind soul. Apparently, she thinks of me as the same. Well, perhaps she's right, but... One thing though: at least I'm living long enough to tell somebody the “truth” about my own past. Margot used to say that the worst thing one can have done is to have somebody destroy their good name. Well? Hell. Bill and El made a “mistake”. Yeah. Sure. But they didn't have to take it out on a child. They did what they did, what they had to do. Kick the first and love the next 3. Anyway, that was then, this is now, and ... - My hands itch this morning. My head feels as though it was filled with cement. I'm dressed, in from smoke. Let's just see how the rest of this day rolls-out. - Yonah's pool... I'll have to check on-line. - Tomorrow... ah yes, tomorrow... 1986 and... I'm not even sure what year that was... Millbrook Ridge, Vassar Hospital... and that hysterical shit screaming “I don't want to take the responsibility!” And then? Onto the train and back into Hell... and not a word was ever mentioned. Margot, Rabbi Lewis... nobody knows... and they never will now. But I do. And I always will. - Tomorrow... - Never mind. Let's just get through today. -
6.51 2007... the “Millbrook Ridge”. Imagine... that “journal” is still up on the old WP! - I was gone for 3 days... and nobody knew why... and nobody asked.
December 2006... THAT was the month and year I left Jim's to go to Margot's. There's the “reference”.
None of this matters... these dates, to anybody, any longer. They shouldn't matter to me. But there we have it. Imagine... only 16 year ago. It seems like MUCH longer... and yet, it's all so clear in the mind that it could have been 16 days ago. Ah... the “blessings” of getting “old”. - I need to move along... it's making me sick. -
7.45 AS I WAS TYPING, I HEARD THE SOUND OF “SCRATCHING” OUT FRONT AND THOUGHT “HOW STUPID! THERE ISN'T THAT MUCH SNOW ON THE GROUND AND JOHN'S OUT THERE PLOUGHING!” IT DIDN'T SURPRISE ME AT ALL IN THE LEAST BECAUSE, WELL, THERE'S A NOTICEABLE “PROBLEM” WITH “GOOD SENSE” IN THIS HAMLET, SO I JUST LET IT GO AND CONTINUED ALONG... GOT UP TO GRAB A SMOKE ON THE FRONT PORCH AND AS I STEPPED OUT, I NOTICED... THE “LINCOLN POND” AND “SIMONDS HILL” SIGNS WERE AT THE PORCH! THE LINCOLN POND SIGN ON THE PAVEMENT, THE SIMONDS HILL ON THE BLOODY PORCH! LOOKING AT THE ROAD... TYRE TRACKS !!! SOMEBODY CAME ALONG AND FAILED TO NEGOTIATE THAT TURN TO THE SOUTH OF THIS SHIT-BOX, RAN OFF THE ROAD AND DROVE DIRECTLY AT THE SIGNS! JUST TO THE ROAD-SIDE OF THE UTILITY POLE! IN FACT, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, THE SIDE OF THE VEHICLE MUST HAVE TOUCHED THE POLE! THE SIGNS MUST HAVE BEEN ON THE MAIN AND SOMEBODY CAME AND MOVED THEM OUT OF THE WAY! I DIDN'T HEAR ANY ACCIDENT AT ALL LAST NIGHT! I'M WONDERING WHEN IT HAPPENED! MAYBE IT WAS THE SHOCK, BUT I HAD TO LAUGH A BIT THINKING “I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEBODY CAME ROUND THAT BEND AND FAILED TO PROPERLY NEGOTIATE IT.” WELL... THERE IT WAS, THE ANSWER, RIGHT THERE! - OF COURSE, I GRABBED SOME PHOTOS OF IT, PRIMARILY TO SEND TO DEBORAH AND A WAY OF SHOWING HOW MISERABLE IT IS TO RESIDE HERE, AND AS I STOOD THERE. MARGARET CAME ROUND THE BEND OFF THE HILL. I POINTED DOWN TO THE SIGNS AND SHE PULLED OVER, GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND STARTED TELLING ME THAT I NEEDED TO CALL THE POLICE, TO TELL THEM. WHAT? I TOLD HER THAT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT SOMEBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT, BUT THAT I WAS WONDERING WHERE THE VEHICLE IS... THERE WERE NO OBVIOUS TRACKS AFTER THE UTILITY POLE SO WHO-EVER DID THE DAMAGE MUST HAVE JUST DRIVEN AWAY! CAN'T FIGURE HOW, BUT... SHE KEPT INSISTING THAT IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO HAVE THE MATTER OF THE SIGNS ATTENDED AND I FINALLY TOLD HER THAT I HONESTLY “HAVE RUN OUT OF SHITS TO GIVE ABOUT THIS SHIT-BOX” AND THAT I'M ALREADY IN THE PROCESS OF FINDING SOME-WHERE ELSE TO GO. AH... BUT THEN, AS WE WERE TALKING, A TRUCK FROM LIZTOON CAME ROLLING BY, TURNED ONTO THE HILL AND KEPT RIGHT ON GOING. “THAT'S THE TOWN OF ELIZABETHTOWN, YOU KNOW.” SAYS MARGARET. “I KNOW THAT. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION 'USELESS AS TIN TITS ON A TROUT'?” SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED. (YES!!!) SO I TOLD HER I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT-BOX, TIRED OF THE SHIT WHO OWNS THE PLACE AND THAT I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO LEAVE AND LET IT BE RENTED TO THE CALIBRE THAT NEW RUSSIA IS MORE COMFORTABLE WITH. SHE TRIED TO TELL ME THAT THERE WERE LOVELY PEOPLE LIVING HERE BEFORE ME AND I TOLD HER THAT I KNOW BETTER BECAUSE I'D HEARD FROM JOAN, WHAT WAS HERE. “OH, JOAN JUST LIVED HERE FOR SOME YEARS.” WAS THE REPLY. HONESTLY... WHAT A QUNT THAT ONE TURNS OUT TO BE. “LOVELY PEOPLE BEFORE ME”, EH? JOAN “JUST LIVED HERE”? YEAH? WELL, MARGIE HERE WAS THE VERY ONE WHO COMPLIMENTED ME ON THE “CURTAINS” IN THE WINDOWS WHEN I'D FIRST MOVED-IN. “IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE THERE WERE NICE CURTAINS IN THE WINDOWS. IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY LIVES THERE AGAIN.” YEP... THEN SAYS, “WELL, I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT NEW RUSSIA BECAUSE I LIVE HERE.” WHAT IN FUX NAME? I DON'T? I HAVEN'T? SO SHE WADDLED BACK TO HER CAR, STILL TELLING ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO ABOUT IT ALL AND ROLLED AWAY. I JUST FINISHED MY SMOKE AND CAME BACK INTO THE SHIT-BOX NOT QUITE IN THE “BEST” OF MOODS... LOOKING AT THOSE TYRE TRACKS, SIGNS ON THE PORCH... AND NOBODY HAD ANY CLUE AS TO WHAT HAPPENED? HOW? AND I DIDN'T RECALL HEARING THE “CRASH”? HOW?
7.55 ON THE CLOCK... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”!!!!! MY HEART-AND-SOUL WAS AWAKE! MY SWEET, PRECIOUS LITTLE GUY WAS UP, AWAKE AND OK!
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(6.55 “Standard Time” which actually IS Yonah's some-what “standard time”.) And the volley of “woo-Hoo's” commenced. Seemed Mr. Taube had gotten him-self a good night's restful sleep last night and was ready to “Rock'n'HOO”! As I got me to his door, we'd already had quite the dialogue. AND, it continued as I opened the door to his house as well. I do have to note though, he wasn't as “animated” as he often is when I got there. Not even a “stretch of the wings”. And, although there were “Good morning kisses” exchanged, this morning, they didn't seem, some-how, as “energetic” as they usually are. Needless to say, I DO notice these things, the slightest “changes”, from the clarity and volume of his coo's, to the “glisten” of his feathers and his general demeanour (AND, the location, quantity and over-all “quality” of his poop, because THAT is one of THE MOST telling bits of all). This morning, other than the “kisses”, he DID appear to be OK. I made a bit of a rush of opening the curtains and blinds for a better look. In the dim light of early morning, he appeared to be OK, fine. There were no feathers about the place, and all the poop was in one spot, right below where he'd spent the night. Obviously, he hadn't been disturbed last night, no sudden “shocks in the night”. And, as I went about opening things and preparing for “morning routine”, we DID have quite the “chat”. The “woo-HOOs” were “long”, almost unusually long. Where the general dialogue consists of “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”, 3 “hoos” following the higher “HOO”, this morning there were 5-6 “hoos”. (And again, I SO WISH I could definitively KNOW even part of what he's telling. But... “humans”...) And as he coo'ed to me and I replied, he responded. It was rather perplexing, but, generally, he was in good humour and looked to be in good health. I didn't “panic”. After all, people have “those mornings” where things start a bit “slow”. (I was having just one of those this morning, my-self.) So the “plan of action” was to “wait and see”. The sun was supposed to shine, it appeared, through the light snow that was falling, to be making best effort. We'd know better when I shed its own light... on the subject. Happy to report, it didn't take long... I'd no sooner finished with the “morning routine” and had headed to the kitchen for tidying when... FLUTTER FLUTTER WHISTLE! Yonah was up, out, in flight and off to the wall shelves with a “woo-HOO!” and then another. And after that, MORE FLUTTERS. He was “up and about”, indeed! I checked-in to find him back in his house, standing there, at the door, and when I asked “Are you OK?”... WING-SNAP! He wanted MORE cuddles and kisses! Yep... a “slow start” to a new day. He was entitled... MORE than entitled! Meanwhile, I can now “adjust” my morning schedule slightly. Seems he's sticking with the “6.00 hour”... in “Standard Time”, which means I can give my-self the extra hour as well. I woke, this morning, at 6.00 (Day-light Savings) which is an hour ahead of “Standard”, Yonah woke at almost 8.00, which is 7.00 “Standard”, and, accounting for his day yesterday and the night before, and the fact that he didn't get much rest over-all, well... I'll “adjust” slightly. But this is all good to know. (I insist on being up and ready when he calls in the morning... no “lounging about until”. When HE says the day commences... the day commences.) |
We got “morning routine” done, and I was just “calming” only a touch, still worked-up about about looking at those tyre tracks and thinking of how, had who-ever did that shit, come at the utility pole to the right, would have come DIRECTLY into the bed-room or YONAH'S room, AND I was quite fatigued from the lack of proper rest last night when.... “knock knock knock” on the front door. I wondered who was coming to “tell me what I need to do” or maybe “ask me if I'd heard anything”... and when I opened the door... FED EX! and Deborah! Deborah came by with coffee-cake and FED EX CAME WITH YONAH'S PLANTER! THEY had quite a bit to say about the signs bit and it was all just such a mystery to all. Honestly. I pointed-out the “house being hit”, nobody knowing anything, we all chatted, I thanked all for the deliveries... and all went about out business. I came in to show Yonah planter which was in a box, NO PACKING, and it managed to make it here in perfect condition. It's fine for the purpose, a bit “too white” for my taste but... it fits in the space almost perfectly. Might be a bit too small for 2 trees, but we'll work it all out... the other trees are in relatively small pots and they're doing rather surprisingly well so... BUT THE FIRST GIFT ARRIVED... I WAS THRILLED and Yonah? Well... he looked at it and I believe he understood when I told him “This is for YOU!” I swear he has some sort of “Knowledge/Understanding” ability. The next item... the “pool” and that was due at the pee-oh today.... - 10.30 THE POOL ARRIVED! IN PERFECT CONDITION! IT'S WONDERFUL! AND IT FITS PERFECTLY! I WENT OVER TO THE PEE-OH TO GET IT and had a chat with the ladies...
(“Catch-up”, Wed.16.Mar: 7.05. It's been “that sort” of days...)
WELL, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT ONE OR BOTH OF US, YONAH AND I, COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED LAST NIGHT, OR WE'D BE RUDELY AWAKENED AND HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN THE TRUCK SOME-WHERE, DUE TO A MASSIVE HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THIS SHIT-BOX... WE'RE ALTOGETHER TOGETHER AND HIS “GIFTS”ARRIVED, NEW “HOME FURNISHINGS” AS THEY ARE, AND THEY ARRIVED IN PERFECT CONDITION AND THAT, OVER-ALL, IS ALL THAT MATTERS! NOW, TOMORROW, WE'LL GET TO “MONTHLY HOUSE-KEEPING” AND... HOPEFULLY, ALL WILL BE WELL THERE-AFTER. (But I'm even MORE determined to get out of this place. This business of the potential of somebody ramming into either of us at some point is just NO way to exist. - By 10.38 the “Town” and the “State” had arrived and replaced the downed signs. BOTH of them showed-up, got right to work and I could hear them “drilling” or something, into the frozen earth. How quickly they show-up for something as relatively useless as putting “destination” and “road” signs back up. BUT, the point of fact that nobody seems to realise is that, had “the State” attended to the road in the first place, well... Not to mention the fact that I'm to understand that the speed limit through here was “petitioned” to be reduced... and the petition was rejected. OK. Granted, as they said in Norwood... signs can be posted for ANY “speed limit”... it's a matter of enforcement... and, well, we ALL know, for certain, that THAT will NEVER happen! Then too, instead of putting signs up, there OUGHT to be a “guard rail” of some sort at that bend in the road. There's NO excuse or reason why there isn't one. The “threat” is so blatantly fucking obvious... which is why there isn't a rail there. Fine, if a large truck were to come round that bend, a “rail” would have no effect on it. And then too, I suppose, if, at the speed that what-ever took the signs down were to hit a rail, chances are, it would flip, probably OVER the rail. What-ever. No matter how it's “addressed”, there's always a “risk”, but every moment of every day is a “risk”. And that “Merrihew” comes to mind: “saving money” by installing useless street lights... Nothing like fully-illuminating a useless intersection... BEYOND the most threatening place on the road. I suppose I ought to just be thankful that the Northway is open... other-wise, there'd be MORE traffic ploughing through town. Right now is yet another reason why “God won't let me have a gun.” I'm just bloody... BLOODY-FUCKING FED-RIGHT-THE-FUCK-UP with the fuckerie and shit-fest of all of this absolute stupidity! “It's out there”... a place in which to LIVE... as a civil individual... where Yonah and I can both live-out our lives... in PEACE! “It's out there...” Honestly, even if I have to apply for “assistance”... when the right place comes along... We're out of here... one way or another.
13.38 Well, that corner truly DOES appear as if nothing “untoward” ever happened, save the tracks in the show. I'm really quite shocked that the “crews” didn't do something to “cover” them. This is really quite suspicious. - I managed a 45-minute “half-snooze” just earlier and Hoovered Yonah's room. Now? Off to the shower! I'm so BLOODY TIRED!, feeling “shitty”, and I'm hungry... of course. But I won't eat... just in case I can get an “FBS” in the “physical” (though, I tend to doubt it... shame, really, that the “best MD” I could find is one that I have little-to-no “trust” in). Well... we shall see. If nothing else, this “physical” will be “interesting”... another “learning experience”. At least I'll be clean.
OH OH OH OH OH OH OH !!! I NOTICED, THIS MORNING: YONAH HAS, SOME-HOW, “CLIPPED” HIS BEAK AGAIN! IT ISN'T “EXACTLY” THE LENGTH IT OUGHT TO BE, BUT IT'S A LOT BETTER! I'D LIKE TO KNOW HOW HE DID IT, BUT “HOW” ISN'T REALLY IMPORTANT... “THAT HE'S DONE IT” IS WHAT MATTERS. WHAT A RELIEF! (To BOTH of us, I'm certain.) WHAT A LITTLE GUY... GENIUS, BRILLIANT, AMAZING, AWE-INSPIRING, AWE-FULL! BEAUTIFUL! And this “physical”? Well, I MUST be here for him... and if there's something I need to do to make that certain...
16.51 Everything on my “list” got mentioned... except the pain in the left nut. Not sure why I didn't mention it, but some-how, I just get the feeling that Demuro isn't the person (“medic”?) to approach with that. I noticed today, that his voice is what I'd call “immature”, the “typical androgynous” sort of voice of today's “male”... and he has the longest and most “delicate-looking” fingers... none of which has a “ring” on it. One wonders. He all but “dismissed” the leg contractions. I mentioned an x-ray of the back but he said some sort of nonsense about “finding arthritis” and “wear”. I asked him to check my left ear, because of the trouble I have with it. He looked in and simply said “No wax.” Well, I told him of the isopropyl-soaked cotton swab and he replied “Oh NO!” So I told him that it helps... and he just commented on “no wax”. OK... so much for “listening”. I miss the old days when doctors had a shit to give and were generous about giving. Sit, chat, discus, check... Today it's a “race” to get a patient in, out and away. Oh well... One of these days. I also mentioned Bob T. and the MRSA... I mean, I KNOW it to be a fact... I was “THERE”, Barbara gave me the particulars... Demuro did his best to refute, counter. OK... there too... more reason to “question” his capabilities. Another “I know, you don't, I'm God, you're not”. How sad.. really, BUT... they did an ECG... “normal” of course. He's ordering PSA and Lipids on this draw and relying on the last blood-work from the ER... MONTHS ago. BUT... he says the glucose levels are “normal”.... NO diabetes, NO anything. Really? (My money's on “cholesterol”... they'll fall on that, I'm almost sure.) So, for future, he's ordering a “colonoscopy”... to be done in Liztoon... will try to order some kind of “sleep test” because I mentioned “chronic fatigue” and a “Stress Test”... that he THINKS I'll drive all the way to Plattsburgh to take. Yeah... 5$/gallon gas... an exhaust system that's hanging on some kind of tape... Yep-yep... we shall see what we shall see what... and when... and... never mind all that. I made it to the “physical”... first one in YEARS! - Made a quick stop at the market en route back... Vinegar... FOR TOMORROW'S HOUSE-KEEPING FOR YONAH AND THE POOL INSTALLATION! - What's to come from the rest of this after-noon's nonsense... will come. - THE VERY BEST PART OF THE ENTIRE DAY WAS, OF COURSE... MY VERY VERY BESTEST BESTIE COMPANION AND HEART-AND-SOUL !!!! WHEN I GOT BACK INTO THE LIVING-ROOM AFTER BEING GONE FOR ALMOST 2 HOURS, I CALLED “Hello? Is anybody at home? Woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo.” AND FROM ACROSS THE OLD SHIT-BOX CAM THE MOST WONDERFUL “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! and then... “woo-HOO!” I MADE AN IMMEDIATE RUSH TO YONAH'S ROOM WHERE WE HAD ALL SORTS OF KISSES AND LOVES AND... WITH THE “REPORT” FROM THE PRELIMS AT TODAY'S PHYSICAL... LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND MORE... TOGETHER !!! WELL “WOO-HOO! AND HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HGOO-HOO-HOO!” TOO!
18.42 Well... the day is over... almost. Every-thing but catching-up with this Journal which is, for the most part, “notes”. - I'm rather relieved about today's visit and physical, not too thrilled that Demuro strikes me as one of those “Doctors” who doesn't appreciate “patient involvement”. I “hinted” at getting copies of “test results”. He pulled-up the blood-works from the last trip to the ER, on the computer screen and scrolled along. We'll have to see if I get any tangibles from the rest of today's event. -
I'M STILL RIPPING PISSED ABOUT THE SIGNS BEING PLOUGHED-DOWN !!! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YONAH'S ROOM AND I'M NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT !!! NOR WITH THE GENERAL “LAISSEZ FAIRE” ATTITUDES TOWARD THE WHOLE INCIDENT !!! NOW, MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, I SO WANT OUT OF THIS SHIT-BOX! LOOKED AGAIN... NOTHING “PLEASANT” LISTED. CHAMPLAIN, SARANAC, BUT ALL IN THE MOST-POPULATED AREAS. A TRAILER, IN CHAMPLAIN, BUT RIGHT NEXT TO A UPS PLANT, AND I'D HAVE TO PAY WATER. HMPF. 600$ THOUGH. STILL... HEAT, WATER, HOT WATER, ELECTRIC... &c. A TOUCH TOO STEEP FOR BEING IN A TRAILER. OH WELL. AND THE PLACE IN SARANAC IS IN A MULTI-FAM. 775$ FOR THAT. “IT'S OUT THERE.” IT'S COMING. BUT MY GUTS ARE KNOTTED... YONAH, IN HIS ROOM, OVER-NIGHT, AND THE SHITS FLYING ROUND THAT CORNER. THEY OUGHT TO PUT-UP A GUARD RAIL... BUT I'M SURE THEY WON'T. AND GOING TO TELL THEM? WE'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THAT ALREADY. FUKKEM!
Mean-while, I noticed, when I got back from MD/Market today that there are PILES OF SOIL AND SOD in the back yard. I'm not worried about any of it any more. As I told Margaret, this morning: I've run completely out of shits to give. - Now... on to Yonah's journal and then back to this one. - I'M SO TIRED! But at least I ate.... not much but... HEY... 185lbs! The last time I was up this high was at Oma's... and then too, I was constantly tired, as I think about it. Time to get me moving, exercise, get rid of this FAT! - 19.38 (on the clock) and here I sit, at the work table... Yonah's windows are closed to the night and my ANXIETIES RISE, THINKING ABOUT THAT SHIT WITH THE SIGNS!
NOTE: DEBORAH SENT AN E-MAIL “CLARIFYING”. APPARENTLY SHE WANTED TO MOVE THE SIGNS FROM THE PORCH THIS MORNING BECAUSE IT WASN'T SOME WOMAN HEADING FOR THE POST OFFICE THAT TOOK THE SIGNS DOWN... SHE, DEBORAH, SAID THAT SOME WOMAN ALMOST DRIVE INTO THE SIGNS AS THEY LAID ON THE ROAD! NO BETTER, WHEN, THINKING ABOUT IT AND LOOKING AT WHERE THE SIGNS WERE, THE QUNT WAS DRIVING TOO CLOSE TO THE PORCH! THESE PEOPLE HERE TRULY ARE FIRST CLASS ***** FUCKTARDS ***** !!!!! THERE'S NO REASON TO DRIVE THAT CLOSE TO THE PORCH AND, WELL... I'M ABOUT TO “ADDRESS” THAT SITUATION... EVEN IF I HAVE TO EMBED SMALL SPIKES IN THE FUCKING PAVEMENT! UNTIL I LEAVE HERE, THERE'S HELL TO BE PAID AND I'M ABOUT TO START PLAYING “TELLER”... OR “CASHIER”... WHICH-EVER! THEY CAN ALL GET THEMSELVES FUCKED... RIGHT UP THE COLON... WITH CATTLE PRODS! I'M DONE!
20.15 YONAH IS TUCKED-IN FOR THE NIGHT AND HIS JOURNAL PAGE IS COMPLETE AND READY FOR CODING... BUT TONIGHT... TONIGHT I JUST COULDN'T INCLUDE, WITH THE “COZY WARM” AND SHELTERED AGAINST WIND, &c. ***** PROTECTED ***** !!!!! I'M SO BLOODY-FUCKING EXHAUSTED THAT I COULD HAVE LAID DOWN ON HIS FUTON AN HOUR AGO AND GONE TO SLEEP FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT (IF I'M ALLOWED TO WITH CONTRACTIONS AND SUCH). BUT NOW THAT HE'S TUCKED-IN AND THE DAY IS “OFFICIALLY” DONE... ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT SHIT... THAT FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF WORTHLESSNESS WHO CAME PLOUGHING THROUGH THOSE SIGNS... *** AND THAT I DIDN'T HEAR ANY OF IT !!! ***** HAD THAT WORTHLESS NOTHING COME ROUND THAT UTILITY POLE ON THE OTHER SIDE, IT COULD HAVE PLOUGHED INTO THE BED-ROOM OR... INTO YONAH'S ROOM! (OK, AS I NOTICED WHEN I WENT TO THE MD TODAY... THERE'S A CHANCE IT COULD HIT THE PORCH ON THE SIMONDS HILL SIDE TOO... THAT ONE, NEXT DOOR... THE LIVING-ROOM OR THE PORCH... AT IT'S BED-ROOM! BUT... YONAH! WELL... THERE'S ONE THING... “TAKE” YONAH... YOU'LL BE UP ON, AT THE VERY LEAST, “MANSLAUGHTER” BECAUSE... NO YONAH... NO ME! STILL, AS EXHAUSTED AS I AM... MY MIND WON'T LET GO OF THE THOUGHT OF THE POTENTIAL HARM TO YONAH... THIS IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER NIGHT OF HORRIFIC BED-TIME... I'M NOT EVEN THINKING “SLEEP”. OH HOW I TRULY YEARN, DESIRE, WANT TO SERIOUSLY HURT, HARM, INJURE THAT WORTHLESS BIT OF NOTHING! OH... BUT IT'S SO DEEP... IN THE VERY CORE OF EVERY ONE OF MY CELLS! WELL? HERE'S TO SEEING WHERE AND HOW THIS ALL GOES. AND TO THINK: CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH TODAY. WELL? WE'LL GET OUT OF HERE. “IT'S OUT THERE.” IT'S OUT THERE... IT'S JUST A MATTER OF THE WORLD TURNING THE RIGHT WAY TO PUT A PROPER HOME AND US IN THE PROPER PLACE AT THE PROPER MOMENT... IT HAPPENED WITH THE TRUCK... IT HAPPENED TO GET ME OUT OF FUKLIN... I NEVER IMAGINED BEING ABLE TO RESIDE IN NEW RUSSIA... “IT'S OUT THERE”...
I've got notes to fill-in on this but I'm not going to bother. If I were still drinking... but then again... NO! I HAVE TO BE ABOUT MY WITS... IN CASE OF ... I hope I learn who that worthlessness is... - I'm going to nosh and try for a nap, at the very least... soon. I need to be up and about and ready for Yonah and House-Keeping tomorrow... NEW POOL! - 22.17 I've been absolutely knackered all day and now? All I can think of is somebody coming round that bend tonight... and at 1.00... SNOW and ICE tonight! FUCK!
Tue.15.Mar: AHHHhhhh... It's the 15th... 1986 “Re-Birth”... 2006... “Millbrook”... “I DON'T WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY !!!”
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH
6.39 THREE CONTRACTIONS last night !!! Doesn't that figure? I asked to have my lower back checked. “All we'll find is some arthritis, slightly displaced discs and vertbrae.” Dismissed. And the very night... after how many nights with-out? They have NO clue and don't want to have any. Well? We'll just have to move along and address as necessary. - Meanwhile... this morning's dream:
Now sure how it began but what I woke from was that there were a group of us, “fellow employees” of some sort. Working at a “mall” or the likes, and we HAD to, for some reason, “escape”, get out of the building. It was a matter of life or death, though the reason was at all clear. The only way out was to climb up a bit of a wall, the opening was about a meter and a half up, and slip through an opening only just wide enough to get through side-ways, even for me, who was, in the dream, only JUST thin enough to make it through. It was urgent that we all get out, onto the roof and away. We queued, and when it was my “turn” I managed to get up to the opening, and with difficulty, hold onto the sides and move round side-ways BUT I WAS SO TIRED that I needed help, to be held up and pushed a bit. I asked for help and the folks behind me did their best, BUT I WAS SO TIRED! And behind me, a gal, a combo of Bernadette/Dorothy, heavy-set, she was a “friend” and I worried that she wouldn't ever make it through that opening, though, some-where in my memory, she HAD done this before. I couldn't understand why it was that, when SHE could make it through, I was having so much trouble. FATIGUE! I WAS SO TIRED! AND... JUST as I'd managed to get into the position, side-ways, got my arm through the opening, thinking “If YOU don't get through this, you'll trap all the others behind you!” something else in my mind registred “LATE! YOU'RE GOING TO BE TOO LATE!” and I realised I was still in bed sleeping and had to wake up! In fact, the 5.30 alarm had sounded, I'd turned it off and dozed back off.
That's the start to this day. And I AM.... SO TIRED this morning! The CONTRACTIONS... first at midnight... SO BAD THAT I COULDN'T STAND ON THE LEFT LEFT LEG AGAIN! THE SECOND, IN THE RIGHT LEG, I GOT OUT OF THE BED, PUT ON BOTH BACK BRACES... TWO, ONE JUST ABOVE THE OTHER... THEY DIDN'T REALLY HELP BUT I DID MANAGE TO GET BACK INTO BED AND DRIFT OFF... AND THE THIRD, JUST ENOUGH TO WAKE ME BUT I DRIFTED BACK TO SLEEP... EACH CONTRACTION, ABOUT AN HOUR APART. So, again, this morning, functioning on, essentially, about 2-3 hours of “sleep”. JOLLY-JOLLY-JOY-JOY! - But it's House-Keeping Day! NEW POOL for YONAH! - And the road is clear, a but of a dusting on Cliff's car so there was a bit of snow during the night. - AND, OH... That snow at 1.00 this morning? Well, I was up... and I checked... and there was none. - 3° out there, I see. It is rather warmish. I've been out to serve at the back gallery and to have a smoke. But the furnace is running. WHAT? Anyway.... - I have a shit-load of this journal to fill-in... - Let's see when my Little Guy is ready to join me for the day... or... I'll join HIM. -
7.26 I JUST FINISHED TYPING THAT LAST BIT AND... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” AND... WE'RE OFF AND ROLLING INTO HOUSE-KEEPING! NEW POOL DAY TODAY! AND SO MUCH TO GET DONE! - 8.15 The pump is on the “flush”, I have to figure what to do with all the “old sands”. But Yonah is already on the chair at the work table. Me? I'm feelin' kinda “the norm”... not here, not there, BUT SO DELIGHTED... WE MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT! NOW... to make it through the day. (I'm fucking tired, fed-the-fuck-up with this HORROR now... of wondering about “making it through a night”! REALLY JUST PISSED TO THE CORE! SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE HURT FOR THIS PAIN... FUCK THE “NO REVENGE”... I'M OUT FOR THROATS! I CAN'T EVEN CLOSE YONAH'S JOURNAL SAYING HE'S “PROTECTED” ANY MORE BECAUSE OF THIS! NO... WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! SOON!) - 21.04 Well?... YONAH'S HOUSE IS ALL NICE AND CLEAN AND TIDY AND I EVEN GOT A BOWL OF SAND CLEANED, RINSED AND THROUGH A “BOILING” IN THE 500° OVEN! SO MUCH SO THAT IT BOILED DRY! COMPLETELY! ONCE OR TWICE MORE... A LITTLE MORE SAND LEFT TO DO THE SAME WITH... AND DONE! (Thankfully I have until August to bring the electric bill down!) - Anyway... as for the day, it was quite interesting...
Spoke with Marietta from across the Main today... “FATE” put us out front at the same time this morning. When I asked her what she thought about the “incident” with the signs, come to find out... SHE HAD NO IDEA IT EVER HAPPENED! They weren't home on Sunday night and, by the time they got back, the signs were already replaced! When I told her when the incident must have happened and how quickly they came to put the signs back up she said “It could have been one of their own and they're trying to cover up.” Oh... another “conspiracy theorist”? What-ever... this truly IS rather suspicious no matter how it's spun about. - Come to find out... the Brady's have a camera on their front porch, monitoring the traffic! She said she'd see if there's a recording of it, then, we took a walk along where the “tracks” are conveniently almost gone, now that the snow is gone. BUT... I sent her, via “text”, TWO PERFECT PHOTOS of the tracks... She's posting them to her “FB” page! We discussed how, if that driver had pulled the steering wheel sharply to avoid the signs, that vehicle very-well could have gone into her yard and into their car OR the house! We discussed the need for something to be done to slow drivers down and/or put up rails of some kind to protect the houses... and her kids in their yard. She agreed. BUT WHEN I MENTIONED THE INTRUSION OF THE STREET LIGHT, SHE QUIETLY SAID... “There's a way to fix that.” and she grinned! Apparently, they're not pleased with the light either. She said “They're probably just trying to make the corner brighter.” and when I said “Why? Why light the corner here when it's down there (at the bend) that's the danger? Besides, obviously, that light does no good. People still run into the signs.” She agreed. So I guess I had them pegged a bit wrong... my mistake, I admit. But time will tell. - She mentioned the flowers on the front porch and I told her that my “decorations” on the porch “offended” some people. We got to talking about how closely they come round the corner here and I pointed-out the “missing corner” on the porch. She agreed that it wasn't necessary to come so close to the house and tried to think of some way to get them to turn father away. I suppose she and I both learned something about each-other today... We're not really “enemies”, rather, we could make good compatriots. I “warned” her about Merrihew and how he'll lie straight to her face. She didn't agree... but she didn't disagree. - Well, after I'd sent her the first photo, she came back with a reply. Apparently Mayor McFukless said that “they have the name” of the person who ran into the signs. Oh REALLY? HE KNOWS? HE wasn't even aware that it had happened! SO... I'm now wondering what HE knows of it and I'm annoyed that I was never addressed.... since it could have been that that vehicle COULD have come slamming into the bed-room... and me, with my head AT that wall! OK... The “WAR” has been declared... OFFICIALLY! FUCK HIM! FUCK THEM! FUKKITALL! I'm tired of this bull-shit, their bull-shit. As Jeff said: He takes this “Mayor bull-shit too seriously”. Well? He's about to learn where I grew up and what WE did/do to “Mayors”. The WAR IS ON! Anyway, I told Mariette that, if she pursues the matter, she can count on me to support the cause. Where it goes from here is... well... I expect it to become... “never happened”. SO? I'll handle MY affairs and MY life as I see fit and necessary and the rest can... well... they can.
A little note of interest in other news...Yonah's pool is now priced at 8,97 on Amazon! I paid it 15,99! BUT... I got Free delivery on it... at the “new price”... it goes “free” with the regular minimum total so... I guess I'm not complaining. But I wonder why it's so cheap... other than I noticed little “specks” in the glass today... it's not perfectly smooth. But hey! It doesn't leak. I wouldn't bake in it though. There are little “bits” in the glass... it isn't perfectly smooth. Nothing serious, and nothing that could harm Yonah... But, as I say, I wouldn't bake in it. But then again... I'm NOT going to anyway. It was a GREAT investment. And I'm considering asking Deborah if I could wander about her wood-lands to see about getting little trees for Yonah. I doubt she'll say “No”, but... if she does... I'm off to the river, up the mountains... I don't care... I just can't any more. - 20.19 There's the lightest wet snow falling out there and I'm finishing-up Yonah's journal at the kitchen table and...
THE BLOODY-FUCKING LIGHTS ARE FLICKERING! THERE'S NO WIND, NO “STORM”, NO HEAVY SNOWS, NO HEAVY RAINS! AND THE BLOODY-FUCKING ELECTRIC IS FLICKERING! WHAT A FUCKING CIRCUS THIS SHIT-HOLE REALLY IS BECOMING! I'm tired, yes. I'm in pain, yes, the left nut and groin. OH OH OH OH OH OH OH !!!!! The “clinic” rang today to ask a few questions. They're “arranging” for some sort of “Home Test” for my sleeping to be delivered. Apparently I'll “wear” some sort of apparatus as I sleep and send it all back to somebody. They'll see if I'm having trouble sleeping. I can't wait for the contractions to be noted... watch... I'll have none. But “Nancy”, at the clinic, said that she'd had surgery on her feet some years ago and she has had “contractions” ever since so she can empathise! Hmmm.... - Anyway... here's to finding out! Eh? - 21.13 Yonah's journal is caught-up and posted... HOLY SHIT! I NEVER FINISHED YESTERDAY! Oh well.. Yonah's Journal is current and so I won't worry about this one tonight. I'm not “going any-where” tomorrow... might go to the dump on Thursday but no-where tomorrow.
WELL? MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER “IDES”... ANNIVERSARY OF 1986... AND THE “MILLBROOK RIDGE/BETRAYAL” OF 2006. WAIT. WHAT? 20 YEARS? HMMM.... IMAGINE THAT! NEVER STRUCK ME... OR IT MAY HAVE IN 2006. I DO REMEMBER EVERY DETAIL... FROM LEAVING MARGOT'S TO WALKING, IN THE RAIN, ALONG 44/55, CLIMBING TO THE RIDGE, SETTING-UP THE PLASTIC TARP IN THE DIVOT OF SORTS, UNDER THE TREES, BESIDE THE SNOW... THE SNOW THAT SHOCKED ME WHEN I GOT UP THERE. I REMEMBER, WITH SUCH INTENSE RECOLLECTION HOW THE SUN-SET WAS JUST A THIN, BRILLIANTLY GLOWING THIN LINE ACROSS THE HORIZON OF THE CATSKILLS IN THE DISTANCE... I REMEMBER DOWNING THE PILLS WITH THE VODKA... AND THEN... THE COLD... THE ABSOLUTE BONE-GNAWING COLD! I REMEMBER DIALING 911... I REMEMBER NOT BEING ABLE TO SPEAK. THEY DISCONNECTED ME THE FIRST TIME. THE SECOND TIME I JUST WHINED, SOFTLY, AND TOLD THEM WHERE I WAS. I REMEMBER HEARING THE RESCUE ARRIVE... AND IN THE PITCH DARK, WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS AND SNOW. THE WARMTH OF THE AMBULANCE AND TELLING THEM WHAT I'D TAKEN... AND “IT'S REALLY SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO GO TO TO DIE.” I REMEMBER THE ER... THE “CHARCOAL” THEY MADE ME DRINK... QUICKLY! THAT LICORICE FLAVOURING. AND THEN I VAGUELY REMEMBER THE NIGHT... IN THE ER, ON THE STRETCHER...NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP OR REST BECAUSE OF BEING CHECKED EVERY TIME I TRIED TO DOZE OFF... I SEEM TO RECALL I SPENT THE NEXT DAYS IN THE ER... AND IN SOME SORT OF LOCK-DOWN AREA, NOTHING BUT A TV, CHAIRS AND BEING LEFT ALONE. I REMEMBER THE PSYCH EVAL... BEING OFFERED “TIME TO RECUPERATE”, WITH HELP, MEDICATIONS IF NECESSARY. JUST SOME PLACE AND TIME TO GET “ME” TOGETHER. THAT I DIDN'T TELL THEM THE ENTIRE HISTORY... RIGHT THEN AND THERE... SUCH A WASTED POTENTIAL. BUT THEN, IN 2006... IT WOULD HAVE DONE NO GOOD... EVERYBODY RESPONSIBLE WAS ALREADY DEAD... EXCEPT ME. I REMEMBER THAT LITTLE SHIT, SISTER, SHOWING UP, WALKING ABOUT THE HALL. OH, I REMEMBER SEEING MY FACE ON THE DAY AFTER... WITH THE BLACK RING AROUND MY MOUTH... THEY DIDN'T EVEN LET ME SEE THAT TO WASH MY FACE! LET'S TALK “ABUSE”? ANYWAY.... THAT LITTLE QUNT... SOBBING... “I DON'T WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY!” FUCK! AND THEN FINALLY BEING DROPPED... DUMPED... LEFT AT THE TRAIN STATION... AND THE RIDE BACK... I REMEMBER IT ALL.. REMEMBER... THAT'S THE REASON I WENT IN THE FIRST PLACE... “REMEMBERING”. BUT... 16 YEARS AGO... TIME TO LEAVE IT ALL... FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
It's 21.27... I want a little nosh, Brit and HOPE FOR SOME SLEEP TONIGHT... DAMNIT! I'll get to this tomorrow.. if there is one... - 23.09 more regrets tonight, I'm sure. - And it's minus single digits again... and the furnace, set at 62F was just running. Maybe I'll check the oil? But... today was the last day for “Emergency” so... why bother?
Wed.16.Mar: 7.00 (on the clock) An “uncomfortable” night of what-ever it is that I do of a night, No “contractions” but the “worry” about them. And this morning, heard the alarms and turned them off an at about “6.00-ish” FORCED me out of the bed. But all the regular pre-morn routine is done and next... MY LITTLE GUY! - It lightly snowed last night and the temperature out there is just that the light snow is still on the trees but there's a bit of a “mist” rising o'er the brook on the mountains. Not cold... DAMP. Welcome to “Mud”? - Anyway, it's a “normal” day, body-wise. Mostly the chest, of course. Never mind... Let's see what today throws at us... shall we? I have a LOT to “fill-in” on this Journal to ... get it “complete”... as if it means anything to anybody. - 9.35 The sun is shining BRILLIANTLY... there's still snow on the trees though, AND FOG rising along the brook... Robin says their town sanded down her way this morning... AND THE BLOODY FURNACE KEEPS RUNNING! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOVE FREEZING OUT THERE! WTAF? - Just remembering a little “DREAM” I woke out of this morning...
I was driving along some back road, “tar and gravel” sort, when I made a wrong turn, so I U-turned into/onto a dirt road that went down a bit of a hill... and as I rolled... THE BRAKES WOULDN'T WORK! I wasn't rolling fast, but I managed to turn the truck round, facing UP the hill and PUT THE TRUCK INTO “DRIVE”, THEN LOWER GEARS BUT IT KEPT ROLLING DOWN THE HILL... BACK-WARDS NOW! THE TRANSMISSION SEEMED TO HAVE GONE AS WELL AS THE BRAKES! The engine revved properly, the truck was in gear, but it just kept rolling, backwards, down the hill.... and... I woke.
11.04 Up from a 30-minute snooze. This morning's “lavage” is on the rack in the shower. THE SUN IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT... though the air is still rather chilly. - Nothing in today's post. - The bowl of sand is on the second 500° “bake”... and Yonah is “woo-HOO'ing” up on this “snack ledge”. He's doing that of late. - Deborah was here... muffins in the door... but I haven't gotten them in yet. No sense leaving them there... but... I'll get them now. I just don't... I don't know... and I shouldn't have them, but, truth is, I could use a little “nosh”. - I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT! 185lbs? UNACCEPTABLE! - There's a shit-load of this journal to get to the server, photos to sort through. I ought to bake some bread.. eventually. And it doesn't look like we'll “thaw” enough today to go “tree-hunting” so... I'll have to check my what-ever to see if there's what-ever to be done today. In a “normal” life, I'd go out and start on the yard-work... I just don't want to be bollocksed... so... SO? So... - 11.36 I've had to work and re-work this entire page today because of “errors” in the codings, from “tables” to “bold”. I REALLY fucked this up! FATIGUE! Yes, honestly... Fatigue. I truly am so tired so often... Well... it's OK now... Off to what-ever and post it and get it to the server and... moving along. - 13.54 AT LONG LAST! PHOTOS AND ALL... CURRENT... 3 DAYS'-WORTH! DONE! SO MUCH FOR THIS SUNNY DAY... not that I'd be doing anything else... Almost time for another snooze! Shit! - YONAH WAS IN THE POOL, BRIEFLY! HE CAN ACTUALLY MOVE ABOUT IN THIS ONE NOW! YAY! - 20.37 SO TIRED! The next chance I get, I'm going to tell Demuro about the stress of this place... maybe include going back to the Shelter and even “child-hood” when I truly never did get proper sleep... and make another mention of the “chronic pain” and see where that gets me. (I don't expect much... if anything at all. I suspect he's got his “time constraints” and he's just another “by the book”. The days of “REAL” doctors is gone. May as well face it.) - Yonah has been tucked-in from since about 19.45... poor Little Guy... he was tired too, this evening. - HEY! This evening HE CAME TO THE KITCHEN TO BE ON MY SHOULDER AND THE TABLE WHILST I HAD MEAL! He didn't stay terribly long but here was there! HEY HEY HEY !!!! - Deborah sent word that I should go there to “tree hunt” at about 14.30 tomorrow. I was going to go to the dump and for smokes (I'm almost on the THIRD PACK ALREADY! THREE BLOODY-FUCKING DAYS AND TWO BLOODY-FUCKING PACKS GONE! THAT'S AVERAGING 13 CIGARETTES PER DAY! FUCK ME! FUCK THIS PLACE! JUST FUCK! Anyway... perhaps I'll make an exception and try my “faith” and go on Saturday... trees for Yonah are more important to me. - But for now... His journal is current, this one is too AT LAST! And I'm going to grab a nosh and a Brit and head to bed... SOON! AND... hope for a PAINLESS NIGHT! (I'm stupid... I can hope. I don't expect, but...) - Tomorrow 16°! Friday 14°! Then back to single digits and minuses (single) Monday and Tuesday. The furnace was “off” most of the after-noon today. I put it back on when I noticed Yonah's room at 19°! It's run twice... set at 65F FUCK! (I'll have to check the oil tomorrow... HELP!) - Right now... posting to the server... I'm TIRED! It's “seepie-nigh-night” time! - 22.14 Close to, but not quite “right”. I ought to be IN bed already, and on my way to TRYING for something called “rest”. I daren't call it “sleep”. But... let's see how it rolls. Off to the rack!
Thu.17.Mar: 6.02 Managed, oddly enough (not really “oddly”... just “me”) to make it through the night, not a pain, no contractions, and “strange” dream (so far... “me”... strange dream) that I can't recall now (still normal... me) that semi-some-what woke me momentarily, long enough to think “I must remember this one” and doze off again, and then came the alarm... 5.30. I heard it, turned it off, started to doze again and JUST as the next alarm at 5.45 sounded, the left leg started... so I turned the alarm off and HAD to get up to “stand the contraction away” and... since I was up... here I am. - Just stepped out for a smoke and there's a BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON over Bald Peak... well... there are TWO full moons over Bald Peak and, in the relatively warm breeze this morning, double vision and the morning too, is “me”. So now, as I sit here, dressed and such for the day... head “floats”, stomach churns, general mood is “agitated” and thoughts are of 2006, 15 March. (And the bloody furnace, set now at 65F roars. OIL!) Fatigue. Agitation. Annoyance. Oh yes... just another day. All is “normal”. AND... anxieties... That bend in the main, some dolt careening round, just missing the turn, off the road, through the empty lot these charming little mountain gnomes call “the park”, across the Hill and... into and through these card-board walls as the old stone foundation crumbles... and YONAH! Well then... Good morning. All's well. Nothing's changed. What a delight... And the “film”... “I'm so sorry....” I have no idea where that e-mail could have ever gone to, but it's “gone too”... The “documentary” runs in my mind though. Over, and over, and again, and again and... the train to Beacon, the cab to Newburgh... the bus to Gardiner... the walk to Millbrook... the climb, the snow, the cold, the feeble whining.... Oh... the day, the night, the days... over and over, again and again... and nobody knows... nobody cares and I shouldn't either. It happened. How I might like, very much, to slap the shit out of those two who made this all possible. What a hateful little couple... and those that produced them too. Lies... they were excellent at keeping those going. Well? Here I am, 100s of kilometres away from it all... and yet... here it is, they are, in the next room, the same room, still crushing the air out of my lungs, stifling the beating of my heart, crushing my skull... But you know the truth about the matter? “They” aren't doing it... I am... and I need to stop it! It's about time I stop it. - Good morning. There's a shirt in the basin, on the soak, and the water is leaking out. There's sand to be rinsed and cleaned and baked sterile. And perhaps even a tree, for Yonah, to be found. The rest will attend to itself... “This is a day which the Lord hath made.” FUCK YOU! Hallelujah. Amen. - 8.41 Yonah is up (7.37), the last of the “lavage”, the green Henley, is washed and on the rack in the shower to dry, the last of the sand is on the “boil-soak”, the old “pool” is scrubbed and clean (I might just dump the old metal baking pan now... “might”), the house is in order, I am in order, the sun is rising, the air has a “warmth” to it out there, the furnace is down to 60F, and the day is moving along. Let's see what fucks it up... Shall we? Oh, let's shall. - 20.21 (Jotting back and forth between Journals here... and am TIRED!) At about 16.00, the call from the “clinic”... The “news”? Well... FUCK ME! The “PSA” is elevated at “10”, the “LDL” is “Border-line High” at 211... It SHOULD be at about 100! The PSA is “concerning”... I looked it up, but not necessarily “warning level”. Demuro said the LDL could be “genetic” and wants to prescribe medications. I asked if I could “think about it” and the nice gal at the clinic said she understood when I told her that I'd rather not start taking pills. So... I looked it up... Oh yeah... I need to loose about 10lbs... for starts. AND even for the PSA... same thing... lose weight! (I want to anyway... now to figure out how... I HAVE MUST NEED to figure-in more WALKING again! It's a mile to Richie's and to Deborah's so... there's 2 miles. I've walked MUCH more than that in the past but NOW this ain't no bull-shit! I just have to figure the time of day and... GET MOVING! There's that snow in the yard too, and the “top-soil” that need to be shovelled... “exercise”... so? SO!) AND... this evening, with the insurance OTC card, I ordered that “Beta Prostate”... It's also good for... cholesterol! It should arrive Saturday... On the 3 or 4 April, Demuro wants me in to run another gambit of blood work... and they're arranging for the next CT chest... hopefully I can do both... same time. - NEXT NOTE? As if this isn't enough... I was looking at “colonoscopies”... AND ALL THE SITES AND ALL THE INFO SAYS THAT I WON'T BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE HOME AFTER! One person, on a “forum” said that s/he was always allowed to drive home after. The procedure takes 30 minutes... the “recovery” is no less than 30 minutes. AND HOUR AWAY FROM YONAH! NOOOOOO!!! So, I have to call Demuro and see about that. I mean, REALLY! I've “travelled” in worse states... to be sure... by walking, taxi... and those nights on the Thruway after HOURS of non-stop drinking! Woodstock-Nbg... Albany... Montréal-The Bronx. Well, we'll see how “understanding” this new MD is. After all... it's only 4miles! Shit! Then, the “sleep test”... info on that is that if something shows up, they might want an “over-night”... AWAY! I DO NOT THINK SO! SO... Deborah said that she had to do the “over-night”... Well? Demuro says the Optometrist will have to be in Plattsburgh... the dentist? Plattsburgh too. I'm not looking forward to any of this... NONE of it! The truck, for one thing, the cost of gas for another... and ABOVE ALL... TIME AWAY AND DISTANCE FROM YONAH? OK... so I neglected and abused me for how many years? I'll just have to take this as I can. - One thing though... I'd SWEAR THAT THE STRESS OF THIS SHIT-BOX IS MAKING THING WORSE! I ought to go back to drinking! Ii was healthier then... probably because of less stress. Now, if I could arrange for ONE drink to get to sleep at night and no more... I'd really rather not though... because... of... Yonah! I DON'T want to be deep-sleeping at night in case something should happen. But... as it's going, I might be moving into his room soon anyway... giving-up the bed-room altogether. If I'm not snoring... which will show on the “sleep test”, I'll feel better about doing so. THAT will reduce a LOT of my stress right there. (If I'd had the opportunity to say at the physical... but, I'll be sure to let the nice folks know when I call about other things...) - 20.34 Yonah's been “tucked-in” from since about 20.00 so that's good. I'm getting really tired and I have his Journal to catch-up on. There are photos to add too... - Tomorrow, I MUST roll to the Truck Stop for smokes. I can get only 2 packs... to last 2 weeks... like that's going to happen. Hey... maybe this'll cut back on the smoking before the next “tests”. What-ever... with the added stress of no smoking at all... Oh... I should be on Death's door-step by then... or, so the “tests” will show. What-ever... But I won't be rolling to Lewis until later in the day so... in the morning... “catch-up a-fucking-gain”! - (11.08 on Friday morning.... See? “Catch-up” AGAIN!)
SO... TODAY, THIS AFTER-NOON... I WENT TO DEBORAH'S FOR... *** TREES *** FOR MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! (Didn't go to the dump, though the bag of garbage is now on the back gallery... for the week-end. Thankfully, single-temperatures to come for the next few days though. I'm almost tempted to put the “chicken tampons” in there... “almost”. But the stench would only come into the house so... somebody ought to be thankful that I don't. Oh... tee-hee... fuck.) - She met me as I drove up and took me to see the new barn. BEAUTIFUL! We walked up the road on the property then, and when we passed a little quite-abandoned shack, I asked “Thinking of renting?” She replied “You could stay in the barn when it's finished. It'll have electricity.” Imagine that! I mean, really... imagine that... no. I shouldn't think so. But... ANYWAY, she brought be to a wonderful little stand of young white pines and as we were there, Julio came along and brought Rosie who was SO happy to see me! I GOT TWO LITTLE TREES RIGHT AWAY! They were still in the snow, and the ground was frozen, but I managed to get some soil and a good root system with them. YAY! And we “chatted” about how the locals have treated her in her 35 years here, and what I've heard about them. They've been rather “cold” toward her for the most part. We even discussed the “Demings”. What strikes me is how little she knows of folks here, “in town”, as it were. Oh, and she said that “Eric”, across the main, the “bird people” has helped with the new barn. Imagine THAT! AND... she clarified that SHE mentioned a “barrier” for the shit-box here, to the Town Clown, because of the closeness that they come round the corner off the Hill in. So, there we have it. Nothing will come of it. To be sure. I told her of my opinion of the “Town” and “Merrishit” as well. One thing about her: she's extremely coy when it comes to “politics” but then, it's better that way. (I even mentioned the “left-leaning” of that thing next-door here. Deborah's good... tone of voice, facial expression... nothing “leading”. But... I'm glad I mentioned it. I don't know how much will be “broadcast” but... at least it's “out there”...) - It was glorious being down there today! - AS I WAS GETTING READY TO LEAVE, FROM OUT OF ONE OF THE TREES CAME A HEART-WARMING, SO-FAMILIAR SOUND: “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! A MOURNING DOVE! I ACTUALLY WANTED TO CRY... IT'S SUCH A PART OF MY BEING NOW... THAT CALL. AND WHEN A REPLY CAME FROM ANOTHER TREE, IN THE DISTANCE... WELL... IT WAS LIKE “FRIENDS”... FAMILY! SO I GAVE A “CALL” TOO, TELLING DEBORAH THAT I WAS CURIOUS... AND BEFORE WE KNEW IT, I WAS PART OF A CONVERSATION! “YOU'VE GOT IT!” SHE SAID. I REALLY HAD TO GET BACK TO THE SHIT-BOX... MY BESTIE WAS ALONE! IT WAS AS IF THE MOURNING DOVES AT DEBORAH'S WERE REMINDING ME! I FELT SO “EMPTY” SO I GOT INTO THE TRUCK AND HEADED BACK. WHEN I GOT INTO THE FRONT DOOR, I CALLED “WHERE'S MY LITTLE WOO-HOO?” AND, FROM HIS ROOM, YONAH CALLED “woo-HOO!” MY HEART DID ITS “DANCE”... I WASN'T “EMPTY” ANY MORE! AND I WANTED TO GET TO HIM RIGHT AWAY! But... the PHONE! It was the clinic. OK... Here we go...
My cholesterol is 211... I looked that up... “Border-line High”! It OUGHT to be “100” at max. MD says it might simply be “genetic” but wants me to start on medication. I discussed with the gal on the line and asked if I could think about it, I'd prefer to try “modifications” to life-style. She said that would be fine and would let doctor know. - Next? “PSA”.... “10”... THAT'S not considered “concerning” though it TOO is “HIGH”! I looked THAT up... It could be temporary... and so, doctor wants me to go for another “draw” at the beginning of April. Ah... “causes” for elevated PSA? Bicycling. (Imagine that!) and... I HAVE to find this humorous... “ejaculation”. In fact, it's recommended that people going for PSA tests don't ejaculate 24 hours before! The test also looks for a simple matter of “enlarged” which doesn't mean “pre-CA”, so that's why they recommend another test some time later. WELL! I've abused and neglected this old body for SO many years.. It's no wonder shit is hitting the fan! THEN... as for the colonoscopy... I went looking into that... it hasn't been scheduled yet but I was curious as to why anaesthesia is necessary... I must have had a “sigmoid” in North Central back in the Valentine Ave. days because this is quite the thing, and I see now, why they knock you out. THE WORST? THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RELEASE YOU IF YOU'RE DRIVING... YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO DRIVE FOR 24 HOURS AFTER! THIS is going to be interesting. I looked about on-line and there was ONE person on ONE forum who claims to have had 25 colonoscopies in his/her life-time and has ALWAYS driven home after. I'm tempted to call and cancel... try for the “mail-in” but then, maybe I won't say anything and see how that works out in the end... so to speak. - With all this “sleep testing” and colon-poking, cholesterol, PSA... teeth, eyes... it's like EVERYTHING'S coming at me at once! WELL FUCK! Indeed!
When I FINALLY got to Yonah, we had KISSES AND CUDDLES AND ALL SORTS OF “MISSING YOU”! IT WAS SO GRAND TO BE BACK WITH HIM! And I got right to planting the new trees! YAY! BUT... by then, it was 16.10! Time to put meal on the hob! JEEZUS KRISTE! THE TIME GOES BY TOO FUCKING QUICKLY! But I got the trees planted. They're done! They're here! (I need more mosses now too... I took what was in Yonah's house to cover... and, sadly, I had to use that “potting mix”. But... THEY'RE POTTED! IN THE NEW PLANTER! AND THEY FIT! No to see how/if they survive.) - It was such a WARM, BEAUTIFUL DAY... and I'm hoping tomorrow will be the same or, at least, similar. REALLY WARM and BRIGHT! A welcome relief! - Meal done, I was back with Yonah... but... “time”... I got to changing the water in his pool and tried to get some-what settled in his room with him but it wasn't for long... by 19.30 on the clock (18.30 “Standard Time”) I was SO TIRED (nothing new there) and Yonah even appeared to be ready to settle in... and... by 20.00... he was. - Before getting to nosh and Brit, I checked e-mails... One from Deborah...
ROSIE CAME IN WITH A TICK ON HER! CHECK THE TREES AND SOIL! YONAH HAD ALREADY BEEN TUCKED IN BUT... I WASN'T TAKING ANY CHANCES... I WENT IN AND HAD TO DISTURB HIM... TO REMOVE THE TREES! He didn't seem to mind and even gave me some kisses... SO THE TREES WILL BE OUT OF HIS HOUSE FOR A LEAST A WEEK! IT'S ONE THING FOR ME TO HAVE A TICK ON ME BUT I'D NEVER SEE ONE ON HIM! AND ALTHOUGH HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T CONTRACT LYMES, I WON'T HAVE SOME PARASITE SUCKING THE LIFE-BLOOD OUT OF HIM! WHAT-EVER ATTACKED HIM TRIED THAT SHIT. IT AIN'T HAPPENING ON MY WATCH! At least the trees are here. And they'll under-go a necessary “quarantine”. In a week, they should be fine. - And so... settle down... And it looks like I have to get back to “hot water before bed” again.... the ice cream thing has to stop! AND... I HAVE TO GET ACTIVE AGAIN! There's the snow and sod in the back to work on... though I'd just as soon leave it and say “FUKYOO” but, I NEED the exercise. It's a mile to Deborah's, a mile to Richie's... good walks to take. I just have to put the time into the day, get off my arse, away from the work table... I JUST DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE TIME... AWAY FROM YONAH... especially since I'm gnawed at by that incident with the road signs... and I don't trust that shit-sack in the back unit. What a bloody night-mare this place has become! - Anyway... the trees are here! We managed to get that much done... My goals and ambitions are embarrassing. It's all bull-shit any more. - 23.02!!!! THIS is something else that needs to be changed... stopped... adjusted!!! I'm going to HAVE to get to trying to move back to the 21.00 Rack and 4.30 Up! THIS shit is the shit and pisses be off! DAMNIT!
Fri.18.Mar: 5.59 Up. Dressed. Done. TIRED! Hazy out there Beautiful moon though. Got “PSA” and chol. on the mind. BUT... slept-thorugh last night. So there's a bit of a something. - Why am I up and about already?
7.37 MORNING CALL! THIS IS WHY I'M UP AND ABOUT ALREADY! AND THE “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” is an all-in, out-right DIALOGUE AGAIN THIS MORNING! OH... MY HEART MY HEART MY HEART! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! - 10.15 HAD HAD HAD TO NAP AGAIN AT ABOUT 9.00! FUCK! When I woke though, I checked something... “Narcolepsy”. From what I've read, it appears that's what I've got! Especially since the “fatigue” strikes when I'm doing things that don't require any sort of “interaction”... like “journalling”. And the causes? Well... they DO include “depression”. And being in this shit-box IS depressing as all bloody-fuck. In addition to the disappointment of looking so forward to being “in the Adirondacks”, in this “little place”, in this little hamlet with the quirky name... and having to deal with, right away, the bull-shit and fuckerie of Jessica, the lies, the conniving, the being stripped of the “U.S. Constitutional right” to “freedom of expression. THEN, add to that the lunatic in the unit behind, the inconsideration and disrespect... the cigarette smoke, the banging about, the constant fear of that thing torching the place or something of the sort... constant, constant “stress”... which can cause weight-gain, “belly fat”, immune system break-down... and these days, I find my-self comparing this to the Shelter where, there too, I had to keep my tongue still. Even the Mass-hole seems to defend that “thing” in the back... I wonder, if that thing were to bitch, would the Mass-hole suddenly send along the little notice of “you need to get out”! And then I'd have to FIGHT for time... and money... and the truck... and... Yeah... And too, I've no cause to be trusting with Demuro... Is he the sort that simply rejects “patient in-put”? The “ego-centric” sort? Bad enough, right now, I'm going to have to deal with the colonoscopy... and the “way home after”. Not to mention that this “sleep study” thing might be followed-up with a “recommendation” of an “over-night study”. HELL NO! OH JUST HELL-to-the-FUCK NO! And the “PSA”... and... I need to leave that all behind. (I'm noting this at 11.18... I started to do the “catching-up” here... my brain won't sit still enough long enough. I mean... I was looking something up earlier... and I can't even recall what that was, and as I was l reading, something else crossed my mind that I wanted to look up... but in the quick moment it took to think of the other thing, the thought came to mind and vanished. “Stress” and “depression”... I'll just let Demuro run with what-ever he comes up with... and we'll see just how/what/who he is... I'm under no “obligation”... to him, to the Mass-hole... I HAVE ONE “OBLIGATION”, ONE “RESPONSIBILITY”... ***** YONAH ****** !!! Other than HIM? There really isn't anything else. - OK... back to the matter-at-hand... “catching-up”. I also have PHOTOS to sort! AND... a roll into Lewis... which is another thing that annoys me... more “stress”... only THIS one is with “anger”... not “depression”. Though there's the “anxiety”... worrying about the truck... and the exhaust and... ENOUGH !!!!!) - 12.03 Cloudy, chilly, and I'M READY FOR ANOTHER NAP! THIS IS GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE IT'S “DESTRUCTIVE”! But right now, I'm almost sure that it has to do with the anxieties of going to Lewis... “Depression”... FUCK ME! I HATE THIS! - 12.54 FINALLY CAUGHT-UP BUT STILL NEED TO GO THROUGH PHOTOS... AND THE SUN IS BEHIND THE CLOUDS... THE SHIT-SACK NEXT-DOOR IS ON THE “BOOM-BOOM”. I WANTED TO FIX YONAH'S SCREEN! NEEDS TO BE TACKED! AND I'M GOING TO TRY FOR A RUN TO LEWIS FOR SMOKES NOW... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE... DON'T WANT TO GO ALL THE WAY INTO LEWIS... I'D *LIKE* TO HAVE ANOTHER NAP BUT THAT *HAS* TO STOP! - And Yonah's been SO CLOSE today! It KILLS me to leave him alone! - Well... the sooner I get out... and I should stop at market... but the only thing I can think of to get is “salmon”... good for cholesterol and other things... I've a tin that will make 2 meals... taking us to Sunday. No rush... “Noodles, veggies and salmon”... tonight's “meal”. - 13.59 MADE IT... TO LEWIS AND BACK! AND THE WHEEL ON THE TRUCK GOES “GRINDY-GRIND”, AND THE BRAKES ON THE TRUCK GO “CRUNCH”! AND IN MY DAZE OF FATIGUE, I DROVE RIGHT BY THE TURN IN LEWIS AND ADDED 2 MILES TO THE TRIP! OK... this “fatigue” is now “concerning”, as is the vision shit. But, there's nothing to be done about it immediately so... there we have it. At least I'm back with my Heart-and-Soul! Now... on to working through the photos... and let's see where it goes with that!
19.17 THE FUCKING SHIT-SACK NEXT DOOR IS OVER THERE POUNDING SOMETHING ABOUT !!! I'M SITTING IN YONAH'S ROOM, WATERS HAVE BEEN CHANGED, THE WINDOWS ARE CLOSED-UP, THE BACK BOARD IS ON... WE'RE GETTING READY TO SETTLE-DOWN FOR THE NIGHT AND THAT BLOODY WASTE IS POUNDING !!! SOUNDS LIKE IT'S DROPPING SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR !!! I'M SITTING HERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MOVE YONAH INTO THE BED-ROOM AND MOVE ME TO THIS ROOM. AH... BUT THEN... I CAN ALWAYS “DISCUSS” MY “CHRONIC FATIGUE”... WITH REGARD TO THE SHIT-SACK AFTER THE “TEST”... OK! THAT SETTLES THAT. LAWYER TO MOVE? PERHAPS... WE SHALL SEE.
Meanwhile... Had salmon, veggies and noodles for meal. - (And I'm so “out of it” still, though not “tired”, I just started to put all of this onto YONAH'S Journal page! FUCK! - 20.16 My Heart-and-Soul is tucked-in for the night. His Journal is to-date again. (About time! I NEED to stop this “catch-up”! The booming from next door has stopped (for now?). And all is done for another day. - I'm thinking that I ought to start having oatmeal in the evenings from now on, instead of ice cream. I NEED TO BREAK THE ASSOCIATION OF ICE CREAM WITH BEING HOUSED! THAT'S MOST OF MY TROUBLE AND HAS BEEN ALL ALONG WHERE ICE CREAM IS CONCERNED. ALL THOSE YEARS WITH-OUT BECAUSE... NO KITCHEN, NO FRIDGE, NO FREEZER. FROM THE DAYS OF THE SHELTER... EVEN THROUGH MOST OF THE YEARS IN VT! HELL... IN VT I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE A KITCHEN IN WHICH TO COOK, AND EVEN AT 5199, SITTING A T TABLE BECAME SOMETHING OF AN ABSOLUTE EFFORT SO... I HAD THE KITCHEN ON THE WEEK-ENDS WHEN “MADAME” WAS AWAY, BUT THEN, I DIDN'T HAVE THE FINANCES TO AFFORD ICE CREAM AND WHAT WAS AVAILABLE AT THE GENERAL STORE WAS CRAP... AND COSTLY! I GET HERE AND IT'S BEEN A “FAT-FEST”! AND THAT'S STOPPING! ALSO, ODDLY... I REALISED TODAY THAT THIS “CHRONIC FATIGUE” BEGAN WHEN I STOPPED DRINKING EVERY NIGHT! NOT THAT I CAN AFFORD TO GO BACK TO THAT AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO ANYWAY... I NEED TO BE ABOUT MY WITS AT ALL TIMES WITH YONAH NOW. BUT... INTERESTING! THE ASSOCIATIONS THAT CAME TONIGHT. I'M A FUCKING MENTAL CASE... PSYCHOTIC... IN THE CLINICAL SENSE! AND AS LIZ ONCE SAID “YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND YOU KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT AND YOU KNOW BETTER!” AND, AS I SAID TO HER: IT'S EASY FOR A PSYCHOLOGIST TO LIE TO A PATIENT BECAUSE THE PATIENT BELIEVES THE PSYCHOLOGIST... I CAN'T LIE TO ME... NOR CAN A PSYCHOLOGIST. OK. OH WELL... NOW WE WORK ON THE “FAT”... AND TRY TO WORK ON THE “SLEEP”... AND THE STRESS AND THE CHOLESTEROL... AND THE PSA... (THAT'S GOING TO BE FUN... ? WHAT?) Right now, I MUST get these Journals up-dated... and get all of Yonah's photos off the lap-top. Tomorrow? RAIN! Sunday? RAIN! And the colder nights return. (Tomorrow I'll have to check the oil... AND I STILL HAVE TO REPAIR YONAH'S WINDOW SCREEN! THINGS THAT MUST BE DONE... I HAVE TO SHAKE THIS FATIGUE! DAMN ME!) - And I WANT to be in bed at a CIVIL hour tonight! I was thinking shower... the propane is down to 50% again! It's going to be an expensive month. March HAS been already! (4$ to my name until... FUCK ME!) - 21.57 Close... but not “close enough”. But I got today's “wants” done... Yonah's photos are on the drives!
Sat.19.Mar: (Another “catch-up”... Sun.20.Mar: 6.29) 6.17 Fell asleep rather quickly. Was up at 1.20... CONTRACTION! Brief. Back to bed. Back to sleep and didn't want to get out of bed this morning. BUT... here I am. And it's raining. And I'm dressed. And my chest is congested and feels like lead. My head is heavy. The shit-box is warm because I kicked the furnace up. AND... here we are, here we go, here it is, here I am... waiting for THE SOLE reason for “being”... my little Heart-and-Soul. - “7.33”... Well, when it got to this hour, I was getting that “concerned” that I get when the house has still be silent... One of these days, I know it will happen, and I'll just give-up and give... and head off to find the Little Spirit, and those that are already “out there”... if there's any truth to ANY of this existence... which I have great cause to believe... there isn't. Not even one iota, as they say. We're no more “after this” than the little “road-kill” that nobody has the decency to move, bury, NOT drive into the pavement. But... moving along... I went into Yonah's room to “check” on him and from where I was on the futon, I could see his silhouette... He was awake... but so quite. No reason why he shouldn't. A grey, rainy morning. Perfect for “sleeping-in”. The house wasn't cold, but then, I'd kicked the furnace a touch to take the damp chill out. And his room was delightfully warm. Well, I looked, he moved his head about a bit, so I spoke, softly... and opened his door. He didn't stretch or anything so I figured he'd like to “doze”... I DO! He's MORE than entitled... so I started to make me comfy on the futon, figuring I'd lie down and he could wake me when he wanted... Ah hah! I'd no sooner put head to pillow... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”. I got up, checked the time... “7.33” went back in and little-by-little, went through “morning routine”. I didn't want to rush any of it... There was no need for that. As I went about the boards and windows, Yonah woke... When I'd done, I put his house back and he seemed not-so-ready to face the day as yet, so... No lights or “musics”, I laid back down on the futon... for about 30 minutes when... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” and he was up, on the door perch... NOW it was time to get up! The day commenced! Away! My Little Guy was OK with taking the day and now, so was I. - 9.30 OIL CHECK !!! HALF WAY BETWEEN A HALF AND A QUARTER TANK !!! LOOKS LIKE I'M AT WHERE I OUGHT TO BE BECAUSE THE PHOTO OF APRIL 2021 HAS THE TANK AT A QUARTER ! NOW... IF THE BLOODY WEATHER DOESN'T HEAD BACK DOWN TO THE SUB-FREEZE AGAIN... THOUGH THERE'S STILL A “MINUS” OR TWO COMING ALONG AT NIGHT... FUCK ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS IS POSSIBLE... BUT THEN AGAIN... MAYBE IT'S KEEPING YONAH'S ROOM WARM, HELPING? I DON'T KNOW, I JUST KNOW THAT I'M RELIEVED... WE HAVE ENOUGH OIL TO STAY “RELATIVELY COMFORTABLE” FOR A WHILE !!! THAT WAS WORTH THE CHECK !!!
11.50 HERE'S THE “HOW-THE-FUCK-EVER: THE ONLY ITEM IN TODAY'S POST... THE “NYSEG” BILL... AND IF IT WERE AN ACTUAL FUCK, I'D BE LAYING ON THE FLOOR IN A PUDDLE OF BLOOD AND SHIT RIGHT NOW... THE GOD-DAMNED “SUPPLY CHARGE” OR WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER IT'S CALLED HAS, FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS (AND I HADN'T NOTICED BECAUSE OF THE “BUDGET”) BLOODY-FUCKING *** *** *** TRIPLED *** *** *** !!! ACTUAL USAGE WAS ABOUT 68$... THE “SUPPLY”, WHAT NYSEG CLAIMS THEY PAY FOR IT... ALMOST 115$ !!! AND THAT CHARGE HAS TRIPLED !!! MY “BALANCE DUE IS APPROACHING 700$ ALREADY! AND THERE'S NO WAY THAT I CAN BRING THIS DOWN, SHORT OF DISCONNECTING ABSOLUTELY EVERY-THING IN THE HOUSE INCLUDING THE FRIDGE AND THE FURNACE! WHAT-IN-FUCK'S-NAME ? ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE FOR THE NEXT 3 YEARS !!! AND NO... IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE !!! WELL? BOIZENGURLZ... FUCK THE “OLDE TYME” STOICISM... IF THERE'S A “PROGRAM” WITH TAX MONEY THAT CAN COVER ANY OF THIS... I'M TAKING IT NOW! FUCK THIS WORLD! TRULY! JUST FUCK THIS WORLD! I CAN'T BE BOLLOCKSED NOR ARSED! I'M * TAKING * ! IT'S TIME TO BE “ENTITLED” ! I CAN'T CARE. AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I WILL NOT... NEVER DO... IT'S MAKE ANY PART OF YONAH'S LIFE EVEN SLIGHTLY “INCONVENIENT” !!! THEY, THE “HUMAN RACE/SPECIES” CAN JOLLY-WELL GNAW THEIR OWN BOWELS. I'M TOSSING A TOWEL... SOAKED IN LEAD... RIGHT AT THE SKULLS OF THOSE WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SHIT !!! I MIGHT GO “DOWN”, BUT I'M GOING DOWN RELATIVELY COMFORTABLE! FUCK FUCK FUCK AND ...
Next? The new “vitamins” arrived today... The “prostate” stuff. Oh joy! I was looking forward to getting started on that today, but... of course there's a “but”... Got to reading the box... looking for dose and contents... the “soy”... which isn't listed on the box but... in this world today, there's no such thing as “honesty” any more. And I did a bit more research on-line. Ah-HAH! There might be side-effects... including, vomiting and stomach distress and diarrhea! IMAGINE THAT! AND... IT READS: DO NOT TAKE PRIOR TO *ANY* SURGICAL PROCEDURES! “COLONOSCOPY”? It isn't bad enough that I'm probably going to cancel that anyway, if they won't let me drive my-self back to the shit-box after. But now THIS? So... another little something that I have that I can't/won't be using. I'll just leave the bottle sealed as is. It's good until 2024... Oh well... - HEY! The oil situation is good... thus far... We'll leave it at that! AND YONAH IS HEALTHY! NOTHING ELSE MATTERS AT ALL! - 12.53 ANOTHER “NAP”! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED AND SICK OF LOSING TIME IN A DAY BECAUSE, TRULY... I JUST CAN'T TAKE BEING AWAKE! THE FATIGUE... IT'S TOO REMINISCENT OF THOSE DAYS OF WALKING FROM RIVERDALE TO PELHAM, LITERALLY MOANING BECAUSE THE FATIGUE WAS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL ! ONE THING THOUGH, THAT CROSSES THE MIND: THE BLOODY *STRESS*! I'D SWEAR I'M SLIPPING INTO AN ACTUAL “DEPRESSION” HERE! It isn't a “conscious” depression, although, to an extent, it is, obviated by the fact that I'm journalling it, but, with that one next door, the front porch being empty because of the morons and idiots here, cost of heating, fuelling the truck, the grinding of that back wheel, repairs, the notion of walking to market again, the electric, wanting to be out of this shit-box... the disappointment of “life here”, other than Yonah... not sleeping properly, the contractions, the pain in the nuts and back... YEAH! I'm BLOODY-FUCKING DEPRESSED! I'M TIRED... BECAUSE I'VE NO DOUBT, IT'S PLAYING THROUGH MY MIND... EVEN WHEN I THINK I'M ASLEEP! BUT THIS IS NOW TO THE POINT WHERE I'M ANGRY... BECAUSE IT'S TAKING TIME FROM BEING WITH YONAH! THIS BEING WITH HIM... AND “SNOOZING”... NOW I'M PISSED-OFF! AND IT WAS ANOTHER 45 MINUTES! FUCK NAPS... AND AN MD THAT JUST “DISMISSES” AS I TRY TO BE HONEST... SO? SO... *** ALL *** OF THIS IS UP TO *** ME *** ! AND, I WANT... DEMAND... INSIST UPON AS MUCH ACTUAL “HIGHEST QUALITY TIME” WITH YONAH AS THERE IS TIME FOR US BEING TOGETHER! SO? OUT COMES Mr. NASTY! “NATIVE NEW YORKER”... AS REPUTATION HAS US! TIME TO GET THIS SHIT TOGETHER AND GET IT OUT! HOW? NOT REALLY SURE BUT... TIME TO ROLL AND PLOUGH THE WORLD UNDER ! LET'S GO ... ME! - (aT) 14.30 Spoke with Mariette... she'd come for her post and we had the nicest, rather lengthy, chat on the front porch. She came to learn that the shit who took the signs down was a young man whose name will not be mentioned because... SHE W AS RIGHT... HE HAS SOME SORT OF “CONNECTION” IN TOWN! McFUKALL NEXT DOOR KNOWS THE NAME BUT WON'T SAY. Sadly, the shit-sack managed to survive... unscathed. And I believe Mariette said he's from Keeseville. Well! If the truck will do it... I ought to take a roll up there and see if I can't find a vehicle... plate... and trace it all.... just to know... That miserable useless shit needs to be told the HELL he's caused here. We discussed possible “solutions” to the situation. Mariette is into “signs”... I don't understand how people still believe that “signs” are a solution... OH... THEN SHE TELLS ME THAT, COME NEXT SCHOOL YEAR... HER SCREECHERS WILL BE STANDING OUT FRONT AT 7.00 EVERY MORNING WAITING FOR THE SCHOOL BUS! HOW CHARMING! AS IF I DON'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH REASON TO WANT OUT OF THIS PLACE! STREET LIGHTS! DENIAL OF “1st AMENDMENT”, LIMITED USE OF THE FRONT PORCH BECAUSE OF THE PEE-OH, CARS OUT THERE ALL FUCKING DAY... THE PEE-OH LIGHT FLASHING ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT... THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT IN MY FINAL YEARS! AND NOW.. 7.00 AND THE SCREECHING OF THE MOST HORRIFIC LITTLE GNATS OUT-SIDE MY BED-ROOM WINDOW? OH NO NO NO NO NO! - I'm thinking: Come January 2023, if Yonah and I are still taking breaths, I'm going for another banque loan... as high as I can get. Shove it into savings... just to have the money available... and use THAT to get the actual fuck out of here! NOW... let's see what comes along to fuck THAT little plan! And I've no doubt... the fuck is already in progress. Yeah... it''s all up to ME now... and it's time to get FUCKING MISERABLE about it all. - (Isn't this a LOVELY sort of day though?) - 16.00 Rushing... JUST BACK IN FROM A TRIP ACROSS THE MAIN TO THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN, ALONG THE LOGGING ROAD... MOSSES AND TWIGS! (And throwing something on the hob to call a “meal”... noodles, veggies and salmon again, oh well... the salmon is “healthy”... as if that makes any real difference... but...) ANYWAY... Yonah has been SO BUSY ALL DAY TODAY, MOVING WHAT LITTLE BIT OF TWIGS AND MOSSES HE HAS IN HIS HOUSE AND IN THE ORANGE TREE... HE'S BUILDING A “NEST” OF SOME SORT! I was watching him... He'd take from the orange tree, bring something over to his house... to his “loft” and then, he'd bring something previously put on the loft over to the little shelf where his food is, and this went on for most of the day. Twigs, bits of moss... Watching it hurt me. He had so little to work with. So.. at about 15.00 I put my boots on, grabbed the plastic bags and headed out the door! OFF TO THE MOUNTAIN in search of mosses and twigs! - MUDDY! ICY! GREY! But not cold. And when I finally got “into the woods” it was really quite beautiful! Peaceful! And there was MOSS, on some felled trees! Not “exactly” what I'd like, not the “nice little mats” from down the road where I usually get the mosses. But that area is, no doubt, under water, for the most part, at this point, with rains and melted snows... It's really “boggy” down there. So, what I DID manage to get was quite a “reasonable” harvest. And I went up the logging road a bit farther and found a bit more moss, and some birch trees to get more twigs. And there was a “mist” rising off the snow! Just so peaceful. Calm. Quiet. The little “brook” that comes down and under the logging road was, for the most part, still quite frozen-over, but there was the sound of rushing water under the ice, and in places, it had thawed-through and was running just as nicely as could be. It would be a great place to get water for the plants, were it not for the traipsing over the meadow to get back to the shit-box... and there's no way, now, that I could carry even that Walmarde container all that way. And the “carrier” would be worthless over such rough terrain. Still, for today, it was just beautiful. (HOW I WISH I could bring Yonah out... into the woods, some-how! THAT'S HIS BIRTH-RIGHT! It's these moments that rip my heart and soul to shreds... and thinking of that room, that house, that place... Ah... how “things” have changed where my perception, attitude toward this place. SHIT!) And, I'm sure that trudging through the snow was good exercise... something I truly NEED MORE of too. I rather took my time of it, though, I was, of course, rushing... (First and foremost, I'm really “empty” when I'm not with Yonah, and I worry about the shit-box... that dolt next door, banging on the walls and startling Yonah, and I have this dread fear that she'll set the place a-blaze... and then there's the shit-spore and her cigarettes and that wafting into the house. Yeah... raised PSA and cholesterol... “STRESS”! This place is SO fucking detrimental.) - ANYWAY... I got what I'd set-out for and came back and when I got into Yonah's room again I noticed: ALL of what he'd so carefully (?) placed on the “food shelf” was now in his pool! It had fallen off, in a “bundle”, and was “soaking” in the water. (Thankfully, it didn't get into the pump.) My heart BROKE! ALL that WORK... and GONE! But it was just as happens to mourning dove “nests” in the “natural”. They're not famous for “intricate” nesting. Still, I felt so sorry! And as I pulled all the “debris” from the pool, Yonah “attacked” my hand, as if I were destroying something of HIS! Still, better to go through that now and keep his fountain... - I was off to the kitchen... it was 16.00... time to throw something on the hob and call it “meal” AND MUCH MOSS to soak and rinse and check for... parasites and bugs and all that sort of thing. NO MITES! NO TICKS! NO TOXINS. Most of it was still rather frozen, since there's still a LOT of snow and ice. But SO much can survive the cold and freezing. Especially, as I'm hearing, the ticks! Rosie got a tick just from the short while when I was at Deborah's. (Although, to be honest, I have to wonder... It might have not been a tick. Still... I'm taking NO chances with Yonah, AND, as I put the mosses into the kitchen basin, I DID spy a little black fly! Hopefully NOT a “fungus fly”! It's taken me MONTHS to get rid of the last infestation, and it's bad enough I had to use that “potting mix” for the new trees.) Well... I threw a pot on the hob, water, a little olive oil... bring to a boil, toss in some noodles and a LOT of vegetables... and got to the mosses! - WHILST I WAS DEALING WITH THE MOSSES... YONAH CAME OUT TO THE KITCHEN! TODDLING, as I call it, OVER TO ME, THEN PAST ME TO THE LIVING-ROOM! I TALKED TO HIM BUT HE DIDN'T SEEM INTERESTED IN CHATTING... IT'S AS IF HE COMES TO MAKE SURE I'M IN THE HOUSE! I WONDER IF HE DOES THAT WHEN I'M OUT! PRECIOUS LITTLE SWEET HEART! ALL THE MORE REASON I CAN'T STAND BEING AWAY! WE'RE A “UNIT”! WE NEED TO BE TOGETHER... SOME-HOW. (AND NO MATTER WHAT... WE WILL BE... NO MATTER WHAT.) AND THEN... HE TODDLED THROUGH THE LIVING-ROOM, BACK INTO THE KITCHEN THROUGH THE OTHER DOOR-WAY AND INTO HIS ROOM. I kept to the mosses and, put them on the tray, in the living-room... to dry a bit and to check them for a couple of days. - One BAD NEWS: AS I WAS STANDING AT THE KITCHEN BASIN WITH THE MOSSES... A CONTRACTION! LEFT THIGH! FUCK ME! NOW THEY'RE COMING DURING THE DAY? AFTER A SIMPLE TRUDGE THROUGH SNOW? YEAH... TIME TO GET THIS OLD CARCASS BACK TO WALKING! DAMIT! - 19.54 Just finishing Yonah's Journal and making notes for this one. I have head-ache! Didn't take a naprox last night but just took one now... Not sure if I should keep taking it or not, especially IF I'm going to have that “colonoscopy” (which I seriously doubt will happen and WON'T IF they won't let me drive home). I wonder where the bloody head-ache comes from now... Oh well... - Meal done, for all it's worth. A little ice cream after... and there's one more “serving” in the container... and I'm giving that up for a while. “Cholesterol”. Let's see if it makes any difference. I do NOT want to be on PILLS! I just don't! Bad enough the vits. now! FUCK! “OLD”! SHIT! - And now the day is gone! TOO FUCKING FAST! - 22.15 Time to head for the rack... I was going to shower but it's “time”... Yonah got tucked-in at 20.00 and I keep thinking that I ought to just get me together, shower and to the rack instead of getting into all the repeats of all the bull-shit that I watch of an evening. I tell me that I'll watch “just one” and the next thing I know... 22.00! Anyway... here's to hoping that I actually get SOME actual “SLEEP” tonight. Nothing on the agenda tomorrow except trying to fit in a WALK! Up the main to the bridge? That's “0,4mi” (I clocked it). Down to the bend beyond the Bishop Road? Hardly seems worth the effort (though, at this point, ANYTHING is better than the nothing I've been doing). We'll see. Right now... Saturday is closed!
Sun.20.Mar: 6.16 Dressed. That far into the morning. Done. Why? Because... I've a Little Guy who'll be waiting for a “return call” when he wakes, and my heart couldn't bear the burden of horror, were I not here for him. - And, although I was still awake at 0.55 this morning, as it were, I did manage to actually sleep until the 3rd alarm. And there we have part of the reason why I'm so damned tired all day: I might have gone to bed at 22.15, but... I laid there awake until 1.00. So... technically... I'm getting 4-5 not 5-6, nor 6-7 hours of “sleep” at night. - And I'm a bit leery of the up-coming “tests”, as the are. And this morning, annoyed with the “dismissals” of this MD. But THEN, this morning's “revelation”. In the “good old days”, we had a doctor who had an office, and the time to “CARE ABOUT” a person. I'm in a “CLINIC” now... just another piece of flesh rolling along an assembly-line. I'm in the “National Health Care System”... “NHS” as it is. Conveyor-belt “health care”. You're there, you're in, the clock ticks, you're out! NEXT! Nobody's going to sit with and talk with. You're in. You're out. And you're passed along to the next one. OK then. - PSA, cholesterol, &c.? Triple electric bills, the thing next door, oil in the furnace and single-digit temperatures. Being “Geriatric”. Hey! No wonder. - Well? I have to get yesterday's entries on here so... Let's move along... - EQUINOX today... Spring. It's nice out there this morning. Clouds, clear, bright moon(s) (with these eyes). So what? Really... - 11.19 Well... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” at 7.20 this morning! WOOHOO...HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO AND HOO! INDEED! I was, needless to say, THRILLED! AND YONAH WAS IN A SLIGHTLY CHATTY MOOD THIS MORNING AGAIN! That's why I get out of bed... take the next breath! So we got to OUR morning and... as soon as it was done... well, no surprise... I HAD to take a nap! SHIT! I'm SO TIRED OF BEING TIRED! “27 minutes”... and, of course, it was 37 minutes. And for a few hours, I wasted some time... BUT I'm caught-up with yesterday's Journal now. I've managed to get THAT much accomplished with this day! AND... I TOOK ANOTHER HOUR NAP in the mean-while. THIS HAS TO STOP! IT HAS TO! - Deborah came by earlier... and I got to the front door just as she drove away. - I need to get my nails filed again. (Biotine? It's doing nothing for my hair, but my nails just keep growing! Shame I don't play the guitar. I just don't have the energy any more.) - It's been grey all day and damp and chilly. And I'm still trying to figure which way to go on the main for a “walk”.... I MUST GET OUT THERE AND WALK! MUST! NO OPTIONS! I hope I can stay awake long enough. - And as far as anything else? I'm just being a miserable “companion” to Yonah. - And I still have to get out there and secure his window screen.
I JUST KNOW THAT MOST OF THIS FATIGUE IS DEPRESSION AND DISAPPOINTMENT! I WAS SO HAPPY THINKING I COULD SAVE AN EXTRA 67$ EACH MONTH WITH THE INCREASE IN SOC.SEC. FUCKED! I THOUGHT I COULD REDUCE THE ELECTRIC. FUCKED. THOUGHT I COULD GET SOME REPAIRS ON THE TRUCK. FUCKED. NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SHIT-BOX. FUCKED. JUST SO FUCKED! WHAT I NEED TO DO IS... “ROLL WITH IT”, DO WHAT I CAN AND LEAVE THE REST FOR AS IT COMES. I CAN ATTEND THE “HEALTH” ISSUES... AND TOO, THERE'S THAT DOLT NEXT DOOR AND THE PROSPECTS OF CIGARETTE SMOKE POURING IN THROUGH THE WINDOWS... THE STREET LIGHT... SOMEBODY CAREENING INTO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. IT'S DEPRESSION... PLAIN AND SIMPLE. AND AN MD WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR OF IT. MY TEETH. MY EYES... DEPRESSION! I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER HERE... I HAVE NO CHOICE OR IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME DOWN AND OUT AND AWAY FROM YONAH... AND I'LL NOT ALLOW THAT!
There... now to get on with the day... I have Yonah's Journal to jot too... - 16.19 Stepped out at about 14.00, to TAKE A WALK down to the brook AND look for some more rocks for Yonah's place AND WHO THE FUCK IS STANDING THERE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AT THE HILL? THAT THING FROM BEHIND! WELL JEEZUS! I STARTED TO BE “KIND” AND ACKNOWLEDGE, AT THE LEAST, AND IT PULLED INTO A FULL-FLEDGED DISCUSSION ABOUT “BEING ALONE” (“My daughter asks me 'How can you stay in that little apartment?' I LIKE living alone!”) IT HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE “SIGNS INCIDENT” BUT DOES NOW... ANYWAY... JEEZUS KRISTE! NOW I HAVE TO LOOK BEFORE WALKING! FUCK! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN! - And at the brook, the water is too high but I did manage to get a flat rock that will probably just fit out-side the pool. It's on the boil at the moment. I just have to be careful about weight on that shelving unit, and one thing I notice: rocks from the brook are HEAVY! There's one that's just larger than say, a dove's egg, smaller than a chicken's egg, but the weight is considerable! So... Next trip, back down to the bend in the river where I usually go. But the walk was good... I pushed my-self both directions. Now, to keep that up. And it doesn't take long to go to the brook so... there we have it. Daily! - Meanwhile, my upper front teeth are “annoying” me today. I wouldn't be shocked if... well... I daren't mention. - Looked into “Cologuard” today... Good thing that I did because I find that “insurance” will cover the “Cologuard” BUT... if there's a “positive” result, THAT HAS to be followed-up with a colonoscopy... and insurance does NOT cover THAT! SO... let's see how the “oscopy” turns out. (I still doubt I'll be having it though... I just doubt it.) - Anyway... got my walk in! Managed to stay awake for it! Imagine that! - I have to get to Yonah's Journal... Haven't even started it! -
19.50 THERE'S NOTHING BUT A LIGHT RAIN OUT THERE, MAYBE THE SLIGHTEST BREEZE, I'M SITTING HERE WITH YONAH, TYPING ALONG AND... THE HOUSE IS DARK! THE ELECTRIC IS OUT! FUCK! WHAT? THE FUCKING BILL TRIPLES AND THE POWER FAILS! MORE MONEY, WORSE SERVICE! 21st CENTURY... BLOODY SHIT! WELL, HAVE TO LEAVE THIS HERE... NO ELECTRIC, THE DAMNED LAP-TOP WILL GO OUT AND THERE'S NO TELLING IF IT WILL COME BACK UP... IF THE BATTERY (THAT'S ON IT'S WAY OUT ANYWAY) IS ALLOWED TO “GO”! AIN'T THIS BULL-FUCKING-SHIT? WELL... WE'LL PICK-UP TOMORROW... TIME TO GET SOME LIGHTING TOGETHER... YONAH HASN'T EVEN BEEN “TUCKED-IN” YET! JEEZUS KRISTE!
6.12 UP AND DRESSED. Well! The lights out last night went on for about and hour-15 minutes. The BEST part of it all? AS I WENT ROUND TO GET THE TEA-LIGHTS SO THAT THERE WAS SOME KIND OF LIGHT (and I lit the terracotta heater in the living-room too... for light and a bit of “heat”... just in case) YONAH RODE RIGHT ALONG WITH ME, ON MY SHOULDER! OH MY... AWE !!! HE'S SO TRUSTING OF ME... EVEN IN THE COMPLETE DARKNESS OF THE LIVING-ROOM AND I GOT THE BOX OF TEA-LIGHTS AND THE HOLDERS, HE WAS, I IMAGINE, REALLY RATHER UN-ABLE TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON, BUT HE WAS CONTENT, BEING ON MY SHOULDER! I AM JUST SO INDESCRIBABLY BLESSED ! I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW, WHAT, WHY I'VE BEEN BLESSED WITH THIS LOVE! So, I got all the tea-lights set-up, with one in the hurricane lamp, which, of course, went to the work table in Yonah's room. And I got him “tucked-in” and decided that I'd “sleep” (or, what-ever) on his futon tonight... so that I can be in the room with him... in case of anything, including that thing next door wall-banging again! Oddly enough, I'd only JUST gotten to where I was about to get into about drifting-off when... “click”, vrooom, the lights came on, the fridge started running and the furnace kicked. So... I got up, turned the lights out, turned the thermostat down, left the tea-lights lit (in case of need) and got back onto Yonah's futon... BLOODY MOMENTS LATER... CONTRACTION IN THE RIGHT FOOT... UP TO THE SHIN! SO I HAD TO GET UP TO TRY TO WALK IT OFF... WHICH NEVER WORKS THESE NIGHTS... AND AS I WALKED, THE LEFT SHIN WENT TOO... BY THE TIME THE PAIN HAD DULLED TO “SLIGHTLY TOLERABLE” I'D DECIDED TO JUST GO TO THE BED. AND IT'S A DAMNED-GOOD THING I DID! ANOTHER NIGHT OF ABOUT 4 EPISODES... THE USUAL EVERY 2 BLOODY HOURS... THROUGH THE NIGHT! AND WHAT MAKES IT ALL SO MUCH MORE THE “JOYFUL” (NOT!) IS THAT THIS “NEW MD” IS SO STUCK ON BULL-SHITTERIE WITH “ALL WE'LL FIND IS ARTHRITIS”... YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS! ON THE AGENDA: FIND A “REAL DOCTOR”... THOUGH I DOUBT ANY OF THEM EXIST. NEEDLESS TO SAY... I'M NOT “HERE” AGAIN, TODAY. AND THE PART THAT IS HERE IS PISSED-OFF! ANYWAY... -
7.03 MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL IS UP! “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.... hoo-hoo”! AND WOOHOO IT IS! MY ONLY REASON AND CAUSE FOR GETTING OUT OF THE BED TODAY... AND MAKING IT THROUGH WHAT-EVER IS AHEAD... TRULY, HONESTLY, LITERALLY... THE ONLY REASON AND CAUSE! MY LOVE! MY SOUL! MY HEART! MY BREATH!
(11.51) time on record of call... The “clinic”... APPOINTMENT MADE FOR “ECHO”... ON THE 30TH... 10.45... BLOODY BLOODY PLATTSBURGH !!! FUCK ME! PLATTSBURGH! I'm having anxieties about going to the skip tomorrow to dump the garbage and they're expecting me to go to Plattsburgh! Demuro knows I have all to do to stay awake “at home”... I TOLD them I don't go to Plattsburgh because of not feeling well! Oh... Jolly FUCK ME! - Well... I don't know HOW I thought of it, but I called “Aging” to see if there's some kind of “ride service” available. “Heather” says that they have volunteers who do this merely for a “donation”. Many of the drivers are of the same age, and many of those “have gone south” as she put it, to Florida, for the season, but she tries to get some kind of confirmation “with-in about 15 minutes” so... she's going to call me back to let me know but, she took my particulars, to “put me on their records”... Well? Let's see how THIS turns out. (Especially with my “relationship” with “locals”. I half expect to hear “I'm sorry, but I can't find anybody for that day.”) Nothing to do about that but wait. - 16.22 (I'm using a lot of “BOLD” today... Good thing I'm typing this because I'd really like to YELL it all...) ANOTHER CALL FROM THE “CLINIC”... The gal says “Doctor Demuro says that you HAVE to have medications for your cholesterol because it's genetic and diet and exercise aren't going to help it.” So we had a chat and I started to “let go” about being a “commodity”, being told what to do but seeming to resent any questions, never having time, that it's really a matter of “assembly-line”, in and get out. WELL... didn't she ask if I'd like to arrange a “telephone appointment” with the MD. So, for schitzengiggles, I said “OK”... About 20 minutes later, Demuro called... sounded like he was on a cheap mobile in a wind-storm. First thing he harps on is the smoking... and harped on and on and on about it! THEN tells me that I “MUST” take the medication and that he'll call-in the script right away. Well? FINE! FUCK! “Take it for a while and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results on the next draw.” FINE! BUT... I DO get the notion that he's one of THOSE sorts who RESENTS PATIENT QUESTIONS. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO JUST GO ALONG WITH WHAT-EVER HE SAYS BECAUSE HE'S GOT THE “MD” AND WE DON'T. THERE'S A DISTINCT SITUATION HERE. I'm not comfortable with this any more. ***** Subsequently, I looked-up “Lipitor” which is what he says it'll probably be:
***** SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE... MEMORY TROUBLES AND JOINT AND MUSCLE PAINS! MY FUCKING LEGS AND THE CONTRACTIONS! ON-LINE, FOUND A LIST OF “REVIEWS” AND MOST OF THEM COMPLAIN OF “ARTHRITIS-LIKE” PAINS THAT STOP WHEN THEY STOP TAKING THE LIPITOR. OH... THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS TO COME... I'VE NO DOUBT!
***** THEN I LOOKED-UP “ENDOCARDITIS”... WELL OH-FUCKING-WOW! BEST NON-INVASIVE WAY TO FIND IT: ECHO. CAUSE? TEETH! INGESTING BACTERIA FROM BAD TEETH! OK! MY TEETH ARE “DYING”... I'VE NO DOUBT THAT THERE'S ALL SORTS OF “COMPLICATIONS” IN THE JAW-BONE... BUT THE TREATMENT? IV ANTIBIOTICS... AND THE FIRST RUN... A WEEK IN HOSPITAL !!! I DON'T HAVE A WEEK TO BE AWAY FROM MY HEART-AND-SOUL! I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY WHO WILL GIVE HIM THE LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP! AND THIS MORNING, WHEN I MENTIONED SUCH A THING AS BEING IN HOSPITAL FOR A WEEK, TO DEBORAH, HER IMMEDIATE RESPONSE WAS “OH, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.” SO, THAT TELLS ME THAT I HAVE NO-ONE WHO WILL COME IN THE EVENING TO CLOSE YONAH'S WINDOWS AGAINST THE STREET LIGHT, TUCK HIM IN, AND THEN COME TO OPEN THINGS IN THE MORNING... AND GIVE HIM COMPANIONSHIP DURING THE DAY! NO “BIRD-SONGS”... RADIO... NO COMPANY, NOBODY TALKING WITH HIM... THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND AND THEY DON'T CARE! WELL? IF I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO HELL... HERE I AM NOW... PURE AND SIMPLE. HELL! AND TO THINK, I STARTED TO TRY TO TELL THE “MD” ABOUT THE STRESSES... ALL BUT LAUGHED-OFF. I'VE NOT BEEN IN THE BEST MOOD ALL DAY TO BEGIN WITH... THIS IS NOT MAKING THINGS ANY BETTER... HOW I'D LIKE TO PUNCH A WALL... PUNCH A FUCKING PRICK... PUNCH SOMEBODY! ANYBODY AT THIS POINT! JUST PUNCH... TO REALLY HURT... INJURE! HOW I'D JUST SO MUCH .... BUT... I won't. But next opportunity, I'm going to ask to SEE all these “reports”. I'm done with the “I'm the doctor and you're not”. I've been through this shit before... it didn't float then... It's not floating now!
HOWEVER.... GOOD NEWS... TOOK THAT WALK DOWN TO THE “BEND” IN THE RIVER... 14-15.00 AND DID COME BACK WITH SEVERAL “OK” ROCKS! I noticed today that the rocks that “slice” are all the same kind... that “rust-coloured”. I wonder what they're composed of, with that colour. A lot of “iron” I imagine. Hopefully nothing harmful to Yonah. And hopefully the changing of the water in his poor twice daily helps keep any sort of “stuff” out of the water. Although, I have to imagine that it's in the tap water too, in the “hamlet” since the well is dug into the same ground... and, well, after all, the “ground water” is the same as the river. Anyway... THE HORROR... AS I WAS COMING BACK TO THE ROAD FROM THE RIVER... THERE... TAKING FUCKING PHOTOS... McFUKNUT!!! I DON'T KNOW IF IT SAW ME, BUT IT COULDN'T REALLY NOT, BUT I TOOK MY TIME COMING OUT SO THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO “BE KIND”. THANKFULLY, I MANAGED TO DODGE IT! JEEZUS KRISTE! YESTERDAY WITH THAT THING IN THE BACK HERE AND TODAY THAT THING FROM NEXT DOOR! THERE'S NO ESCAPING THE SHIT! I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT WANT WANT NEED NEED NEED TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS SHIT-HOLE! - Oh... and then... The “doctor” says that “exercise” won't help the cholesterol. I guess I shouldn't bother then? Oh... jolly-fuck that one... and the hordes and minions it rides on. I'm just so fed-the-fuck-up right now... BUT I GOT THE ROCKS! WOOOHOOOOOOOO! AT LEAST I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING GOOD WITH THIS DAY! NOW I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING HOW IT ALL WORKS FOR YONAH... MY LITTLE GUY! MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! - 20.35 GOT THOSE ROCKS STACKED FOR YONAH'S FOUNTAIN! LOOKS “NOT TOO BAD”. It isn't as I'd hoped. I wanted something a bit more like a “water-fall” but I can't really stack too high... there's a tree a-top. But, it isn't too shoddy. And the water does run over a rock, and it makes just the slightest “splash” now. Not the constant, almost annoying splashing, just a little one. Enough to make it obvious that the water is moving and that seems to be important to Yonah. So we shall see how it turns out. Indeed... - Meanwhile... No word about transport on the 30th... Oh well... “Heather” did say she TRIES to get it settled in 15 minutes. No rush... and at this point, I don't much care. Well...
DEMURO DID CALL BACK TODAY... BUT ONLY TO LITERALLY *FORCE* THE ISSUE OF THE MEDS! I MEAN... LITERALLY! AND HOUNDED ABOUT THE CIGARETTES. THERE REALLY IS NO ACTUAL “LISTENING” GOING ON THERE. HE STRIKES ME AS ONE OF THOSE MDs WHO RESENTS *ANY* AND *ALL* PATIENT CONCERN... “I'M THE DOCTOR AND YOU'RE NOT!” SO? SO... I TOLD HIM TO CALL-IN THE SCRIPT. I WANT TO GO TO THE DUMP TOMORROW AND STOP AT THE MARKET EN ROUTE BACK. I'LL STOP AT THE DRUGGIST. AND IF THERE'S A CO-PAY OF SOME OUTRAGEOUS SORT... WELL? IT WILL ALL JUST HAVE TO WAIT ANYWAY. MEAN-WHILE... I DID MANAGE TO GET IN, ON OUR “CHAT”.... ALL I WANT IS 15 MINUTES MORE THAN YONAH HAS. OTHER THAN THAT, I REALLY CAN'T SAY MUCH. OH... AND WHEN I STARTED TO TELL HIM THAT I'M BECOMING OVER-WHELMED BY ALL OF THIS SUDDEN “HIGH THIS AND NO GOOD THAT” IN ADDITION TO THE STRESS AND AGGARVATION OF LIVING SITUATION, I SAID “I CAN'T STAND 90% OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HERE.” HE ASKED ABOUT McFUKTARD! MY REPLY WAS “NO. I DON'T SPEAK TO HIM, HE'S INTRUSIVE AND HE CAN SPIN QUITE THE YARN.” DEMURO REPLIED “MAYBE HE CARES.” TO WHICH I SAID “I COME FROM THE CITY OF NEW YORK, 97% OF MY LIFE, I DON'T NEED SOMEBODY WHO 'CARES'. IF I WANT A COLONOSCOPY I DON'T NEED ONE FROM THE NEIGHBOUR.' DEMURO SNAPPED “MAYBE HE'D RECOGNISE A POLYP.” WHAT-EVER. I'M JUST FED-THE-FUCK UP. SO? I'LL START THE CHOLESTEROL MEDS AND SEE HOW IT GOES. THERE'S QUITE A LIST OF FOLKS WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE INCREASE IN JOINT AND ARTHRITIC PAIN FROM IT. LET'S SEE WHAT THE DOSE IS... AND PLAY FROM THERE. I MISS “REAL” DOCTORS. OH, AND I DID MANAGE TO GET THAT “JAB” IN TOO... ABOUT US BEING COMMODITIES IN A MASS-ASSEMBLY LINE, EVERY VISIT TIMED AND “GET OUT”. HEY... MAYBE ANOTHER TRUTH HIT TOO HARD. OH WELL... FUCK THEM! Meanwhile, this Journal is behind... notes and notes. Yonah's is posted live and that's all that matters to me. Right now, I'm jotting more notes... Tomorrow I have sewing... Yonah's screen... the dump... the market... It'll be interesting to see how much, if any, I get done! OH! If I could afford it... I'd go right back to drinking! I was healthier then! Drinking and smoking and generally just doing all the “wrong” things. At least the drinking took the stress away... until it was time to buy more booze. “Cholesterol” meds? I should think not. How about anti-anxieties and a way to get the fucking money I need to get the fuck out of this shit-box and into a place that's more secluded... civil? - BUT... for now? Ice cream (I've gone into the French vanilla... I don't/can't care any more... I just can't.) A bit of Brit... a SHOWER that I didn't get last night AND THEN OFF TO THE FUCKING RACK! - 22.15 Off to the rack... No shower... I'm just tired and... AND... I don't see any reason to bother, really... between the fucking propane being down to just less than “half” (OH HERE WE GO... THE NEXT BILL WILL BE 200$! OH WELL... THEY CAN'T HAVE WHAT I DON'T GET SO... FUKKEM!) and just feeling fed-up... As long as I don't offend my Little Guy... I don't care... really. I don't.
Tue.22.Mar: 6.44 Yes, I DID manage to sleep through the night, last. But, for some reason, I woke, this morning, in a mood where, had I NO responsibilities to any-one... I would still be in the bed, blinds drawn, sleeping-away the hours as I “waited for God”, as it were. (Knowing full-well, that moment would be “forevers” away.) Just in a foul mood, over-all. I'm not fond of this “MD BS”. Very quick to prescribe and not very quick to SHOW why. And the quick scroll through the blood-works, not volunteering to show any scans... and the rapidity of a quick-call. Not to mention passing everything over to “receptionists” who call and say “Doctor says....” click. Then again, admittedly, I haven't “asked” for the information, the scans, print-outs. I'll have to give that a try... on my “next visit with doctor”. We'll take it from there... I suppose. Meanwhile, my upper-front teeth are “bothering” me this morning. “Sinusy” sort of “pressure”. And this “R/O endocarditis”. Last thoughts before “sleep” last night: “HOW”? Well... teeth die, and as they die they probably rot in the jaw... “Infection”. The “gnash guard”... rinsed but not sterilised daily. I see the ways infection could get into the system. But then, the aggravation of no “coverage” for dental, and the potential for when I CAN get that attended... No doubt... DIGGING will be necessary, cutting into gum and jaw-bone. And then the claim of “reconstruction”. Oh well... THIS is the curse of “living”. - 10.24 OK. So I've managed to “repair” a pair of under-shorts... for the time... until I put them on...
JUST MUST MENTION HERE: I AM FEELING SO TERRIBLY HORRIFIC THIS MORNING ! MY CHEST AND JAW ARE “TIGHT”. MY BOWELS, IN SPITE OF A “NORMAL” BM, FEEL A BIT “STUFFED”. MY HEAD IS SOME-WHERE FLOATING ABOUT THE HOUSE... MAYBE EVEN FARTHER AWAY. MY SINUSES FEEL A BIT “STUFFY”. AND, OF COURSE, I'M READY FOR SNOOZE. BUT... THERE'S A SO-CALLED “DOCTOR” ON THE CASE... WHO, THE MORE I THINK ABOUT HIM AND IT, I'M CONVINCED: TO HIM/THEM... THEY'LL GET WHAT THEY CAN WHILST THEY MAY AND, OF COURSE... IT'S LIKE SIMMONS SAID ABOUT THE HOMELESS: WHEN YOU WALK OUT OF HERE, THERE ARE 100s WAITING TO TAKE YOUR PLACE. “COMMODITIES”... SO THIS IS 'SOCIAL MEDICINE'... OH WELL...
*** HAPPIER NOTES: * MORNING CALL * CAME AT 6.52 THIS MORNING! I was typing this journal entry and hadn't gotten but the “digging” typed when “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” came calling! And it appears that all is well this morning, though, I MUST SAY... Yonah's been in a “quiet sort” of mood most of this morning. He's only just now up and out and about. For the most, he's been in his house, or on that shelf, in the dark, with “woo-HOO”. Last night, as I was drifting to where-ever it was I was drifting to, I thought I'd heard some sort of “disturbance” in his room I DID get up, got the flash-light and went in to find him on his night perch. He appeared to be OK. But this morning, with his “calm” and there were a few wing feathers “out of sorts”... I have to wonder. If nothing else, that gets my blood moving... (10.33 he's FINALLY having breakfast!) I can't help but think of that shit-sack next-door, banging on the wall in the night... after 22.00! Sets me right off, that does. I NEED to figure out how to get the money together... get us a place where we can be quiet, I can do a bit of yard-work, perhaps some gardening again... and NOT be concerned about trash. BUT... I fear neither of us is on “that list”... Poor Yonah, attacked and torn, then all but denied his birth-right to the open world.. and who brings him in? A loser of a human. These are the moments I have to wonder why any of us, why Yonah and I, were even brought into this existence. He brings such beauty and joy to a Creation that's all but bereft of both or either. His appearance, presence, his “coo”, just his “being” is cause for celebration. Me? On that hand... I've been told I've done good, brought smiles, joy... I doubt that. (Or, maybe I'm just being over-taken by some sort of parasitic infection that's made its way into my brain and is taking-over my body...) - Well, I'm feeling like SHIT... no... WORSE. And there's nothing I can do about it now. - Meanwhile.... THE SUN IS SHINING, THE BREEZES ARE BLOWING AND IT'S COLD OUT THERE... AND THE FUCKING FURNACE HAS BEEN RUNNING! AND YONAH HAS BEEN ON MY BACK... “BIRDIE IN THE HOOD”! - I have yesterday to fill in... I don't want to be bollocksed... but.... let's get to it... for now... post it to the Internet... not that anybody will ever see it... and even if they do... they won't bother to even look for a shit or fuck to give... Old man, stupid, attached to a bird, lives alone, nasty disposition... (I wonder who the “Aging” has contacted for that lift on the 30th... Wouldn't surprise if all the “volunteers” come up with a reason they can't... “HIM? FUCK NO!”) - 12.40 REALLY REALLY REALLY FEELING JUST THE MOST GOD-AWFUL RIGHT NOW! SO TIRED! SO LIGHT-HEADED! SO “PRESSURED IN THE SINUSES” OVER THE FRONT TOP TEETH!. HEAVY IN THE CHEST. WEAK IN THE ARMS. EVEN TO THE POINT WHERE I'M AFRAID TO TAKE A SNOOZE! SENT AN E-MAIL TO DEBORAH TO TELL HER ABOUT THE BACK DOOR BEING OPEN AND THE SPARE KEY. THE MAJOR ISSUE? YONAH! OPENING THE ROOM, WINDOWS AND SUCH IN THE MORNING... CLOSING THEM AT NIGHT SO THAT HE CAN SLEEP WITH THAT STREET LIGHT. NOT TO MENTION... COMPANY! COMPANIONSHIP! AND HE'S BEEN “OFF” ALL MORNING TOO... SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ON THE SHELF BY HIS FOOD. I WONDER IF HE “KNOWS” THAT I'M NOT FEELING WELL... AND I'D GO TO EMERGENCY BUT I DON'T WANT TO PISS-AWAY ANOTHER 3 HOURS... OR WORSE... RISK THEM WANTING TO RUN ANTIBIOTICS... FOR A DAY, OVER-NIGHT... A WEEK! - Still planning on making the run to the dump, Kinney's, market at 14.00. Well, we'll see how that goes... Hopefully the truck will make it through it all. Just wish I could KNOW what's causing all of this. I also need to get out there and fix the screen on Yonah's window. AND... I'm trying to get caught-up with Journals! - OK... The sun is shining... I suppose that's a good start. - 13.44 Took a 30-minute snooze... Yonah was ALL OVER ME when I had the lie-down and I did managed to some-what “doze” for a bit. I feel OK when I;m laying down. I wonder... and I'm feeling only just but a little slight better at the moment. Still planning on the trip to the skip... and a stop at the druggist... and if there... there's ANY co-pay... NOPE... not getting the pills today! They can wait... - 13.56 DONE with this Journal! Have to get to Yonah's... MUST get to Yonah's... and I'm thinking about not going to the skip today, but I can't go tomorrow... and Thursday is rain and snow. Also, if I'm going to get smokes... I have to dip into the cash-on-hand... Let's see if I can get away with... dare I say it... NOT smoking? I've done it before... in hospital... and other times. A week and a half... what-ever will I do? Maybe it'll be fun to try... I've no doubt I'll feel all the worse... going through the withdrawal... FUCK! - I'm posting this to the server now... at least that much will be done. - The sun is shining... there's that much. Fuck. - 16.01 FUCKING MADE IT! TO THE SKIP! TO THE DRUGGIST! (generic Lipitor 40mg and the pharmacist says the “most common” is... MUSCLE CRAMPS! Suggested I eat a banana every day... magnesium. Hmmm... AND... it wasn't in, won't be in until after 19.00 tonight so... FUKKIT! But they were quite nice and kind at Kinney's so... that made for nice. OH... NO CO-PAY! COVERED! IMAGINE THAT! FUCK!) ON TO THE MARKET (yes, bought bananas...) ONE lousy tote... 62$! JEEZUS KRISTE! CHEAP BEEF IS 5,29/LB! I got 2 packages and will make some kinda “chili” tomorrow. Beef... cholesterol... but VEGGIES AND BEANS! ANYWAY... MADE IT!
The truck is running “rough”... transmission or something. The grinding is still there. AND I'M UNDER HALF TANK AND CHEAP GAS AT STEWARTS... 5$/GAL! WE ARE NOT HAPPY! Tyre on front driver's side seems “low” too. Now I need air for THAT too!
BUT WHAT BOTHERS ME MOST IS... I ACTUALLY FELT OK WHILST OUT OF THE HOUSE AND I WASN'T IN BUT A MOMENT AND... FEELING SHITTY AGAIN! SOMETHING IN THE AIR IN THIS SHIT-BOX? THE DOORS ARE OPEN! IT'S DROPPING TO 19° IN YONAH'S ROOM SO THEY'LL HAVE TO BE CLOSED, BUT NOW I WANT AN INSPECTOR IN HERE! THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO GO! AND... I'M GOING TO ASK ABOUT “HUD”... IF THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE... FOR YONAH... SO BE IT! FUCK THIS SHIT! AND IF THEY FIND NOTHING WRONG WITH THE ECHO... IF I MAKE IT FOR THAT... I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO MAKE TSUNAMIS... FUCK THE “WAVES”. I WANT THIS PLACE UNDER!
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** BEST OF ALL... I CAME BACK IN VIA THE KITCHEN DOOR AND NO SOONER OPENED IT AND HEARD... “woo-HOO!” ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** NOW * THAT * MAKES EVERY BIT OF BEING “ALIVE” SO WORTH EVERY NEXT BREATH AND WHAT-EVER IT TAKES TO KEEP GOING !!!!! AND YONAH AND I PLAYED FOR A BIT AND NOW HE'S EATING !!! NOTHING MORE NEED BE SAID !!!!! MY LITTLE HEART-AND -SOUL IS OK! NOTHING ELSE IS OF ANY IMPORTANCE !!!!! ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The rest of that “beans and veggies” mess is on the counter... room temp. As for the rest of the evening... YONAH'S JOURNAL! - 21.08 Well... The day is GONE again! And I have NO idea where the Hell it went to! Thankfully, Yonah seems to be “BACK”. We had evening meals together again, this evening and I DO believe he LIKES it when I eat in there with him. So... it looks like this kitchen will see less of me from now on. - Yonah got his “tuck-in” at 20.00 tonight and he seemed, after being a bit “out of sorts” this morning, to be OK... but READY FOR SLEEP! POOR LITTLE GUY! - Got an e-mail from Deborah... she too, is “out of sorts” today. I wonder what in Hell's name happened today? I STILL want this place INSPECTED... AND... I'M GOING TO PURSUE THIS “CONDITION” OF MINE! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING IT! AND IF IT'S GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS PLACE... THERE'S A HOUSE IN IT... BECAUSE I'LL GET A DAMNED LAWYER! BABY'S BACK IN NY! AND NY IS BACK IN BABY! FUCK! - Anyway, I REALLY was looking forward to a shower but... as usual... I'm just too damned tired (read: lazy). And tomorrow, I MUST get Yonah's screen set. -6/-10° and clouds tonight (fuck). 3° with clouds and sun tomorrow after-noon... so ... I can get the “work” done and then shower... there's nothing else on the agenda. I'm not even thinking about getting smokes... I'll have to use the “cash stash” AND I'll HAVE to get gas with it too! OH JOLLY FUCK! I'm grown truly HATEFUL of this situation and those who have caused it and I can't even hide that any more. (But hey! With gas being so high, it doesn't look like we'll be seeing the Mass-hole any time too soon... so no lectures on “poverty”? I CAN HOPE!) - for now... I'm posting to the severs, having some yoghurt (I didn't get ice cream at market today... Why? Because, well... “cholesterol”.) And I'm not rushing up to the druggist for the pills either. They can wait until I decide what to do about smokes. - Posting, Brit and RACK... I forgot the evening Cs last night and tonight... 2gm days. And last night, didn't take the naprox! But took that tonight. Not sure why other than thinning the old blood. I'll have to stop before the colonoscopy though... when-ever that might be... Hopefully they won't call the day before... DOLTS! - OK... enough whining... POST and get to RACK! - 21.31 ALL POSTED! - 22.39 Off to the rack... I'm chilly... but the thermostat was set at 65F and the furnace hadn't come on so... fatigue? What-ever. - Had yoghurt instead of ice cream and a banana. Magnesium... let's see about the contractions... shall we? Also looked-up Lipitor... in the Nursing PDR! WOOHOO! I ain't quite as dumb as Demuro would prefer. OK... Not thrilled but... feeling a bit better about it... Seems it works and can be stopped so? So... there's hope for the future... I just have to lose this weight... and belly... and tits! - Off! Done! STOP! - NOW... feeling woozy too. WTF?
Wed.23.Mar: 6.45 Stayed on the rack until almost 6.30 this morning... Late start. So what? CONTRACTIONS but only one that got me up last night. One out of 3 (or 4, I can't recall now... not important). I suppose that's not too bad. OH... but the Lipitor... more of those to come, no doubt. Probably all night. Hey. If it's that bad, I'll just stop. Anyway, here we are and I'll have to get to Yonah's screen today. Other than that. What-ever. - I used the “PDR” last night. Imagine that! It's been years. - It's just such a joy (not) these days. Were it not for Yonah... - Moving on... - My Little Guy... “Little Dude'... will be up soon and the day will all be worth every moment. - 14.01 Just thinking: Propane hasn't been delivered yet! THIS delivery is going to be MURDER! April's going to be another KILLER MONTH! - Anyway... My Little Hear-and-Soul (who is, as I type, on the “tree” in the living-room... I was stepping out for a “halfie” and he came FLYING out! was up at 6.58 this morning! And WHAT a morning I've put him through! - After a bit of a snooze, of course, from 10-10.30, I threw a pot of the beef, beans and veggies together. And, I note: 2lbs of meat is a bit much. 1 would have done nicely but... it's in there and cooking so... there we have it. - NEXT on the agenda: REPAIRING THE SCREEN IN HIS ROOM. Well, not so much “repair” as “reinforcing”. I pulled a scrap of wood from the box in the “alcove”, put a screw in it to make sure it didn't split. THEN... had to UN-seal the window to try getting the wood onto the frame from inside. OK. THAT didn't work. So I knew I had to get the ladder out of the garage and... - Mean-while, Deborah rang... She came by to bring 2 tiny “jade plants”, in a little planter with a frog on it. CUTE! AND... a “Sympathy Card”... for when I told her about C. She actually stayed for a while to “visit” and came into Yonah's room and commented on how “beautiful” his house looks with the trees and moss and such. Yonah? He was under the orange tree and wouldn't come out. But I'm happy that he didn't “panic”, as he does. He just stayed there, watching us standing there, chatting. - When Deborah left, I headed out... put the ladder up against the house and, of course, this was more difficult that planned. Had to pull the screen. Noticed that the upper-right corner is broken! The house shifts, the screen got crushed. So much for trying to do something that looks “nice” on this shit-box. THEN, had to come back in, pull the chair over, climb up, put the piece of wood in... back out and up the ladder to “insert” the screen. Back into the room to get hammer and brads. back out, up the ladder, tap the brads in. Well. At least it's done! DONE! I tell you! DONE! And secure. (Perfect for opening the windows come the warmer weather... to be choked by cigarette smoke from next door... TRASH! I'm waiting for the “call”... complaining that I was up the ladder against the house. If it doesn't come, I will be quite surprised.) - THEN... CHECKED THE CELLAR... ONE OF THE 4X4s WAS DOWN! SO, I HAD TO COME IN, GET THE LITTLE HAND-SLEDGE AND GO BACK DOWN TO POUND THAT BACK INTO PLACE! AND CHECKED THE OIL... *SERIOUSLY APPROACHING THE QUARTER-TANK MARK*! AND THERE'S SNOW IN THE FORECAST. OH WELL... WE'LL SURVIVE.. YONAH'S ROOM WILL BE KEPT WARM! I just can't be bothered about/with all the bills that are to come along. I just can't and so I won't. I can't control the costs, can't pay what I don't have. So there... - Meanwhile. I've had a banana and a bowl of oatmeal... “Good eating”... ICK! But... - The sun's been shining... the thermometer on the porch reading 50F. Not bad... The doors have been open during the day too... with the fan running in the kitchen to move the air in the house... and keep the “heavy spices” out of Yonah's room. - I'm ready for another snooze! - 14.15 Yonah is STILL in the living-room! Apparently, we're having a “GOOD DAY”! And if YONAH is having a GOOD DAY... mine is “PERFECT”! - I still have to get to HIS Journal too... but... snooze is coming. HEY! I actually managed to DO some-thing today... Imagine? Start to finish... AND I Hoovered a bit too! Goodness! (Fuck.) - 21.13 SO TIRED AGAIN... AND I WANT to take a shower! And feeling quite almost sick about the warmer weather and that street light! TRAPPED here! FUCK! - Thinking (as I do at night, of course) Will call NYSEG about the street light tomorrow and start working on that battle. Looked it up. They ARE the ones responsible to them! A “search” on-line and there are posts on their site BOASTING about ALL the “replacements”! So? I'll let them know that I approached the “Town Supervisor” who advised that I don't call them because “they're funny about their street lights”. OH but how I would SO DELIGHT in decking “Merriarse”, physically! The shit-sack! - AND pondering calling about an “Emergency” oil tomorrow, just to see... the web-site says that it ends 15 March “or when the money is gone”. Plattsburgh had, this year, just over 500 new applications. I wonder what the rest of “The North Country” had... and what THIS county had. Well... “Ask, you have a 50/50. Don't ask, you have a 100% 'NO'.” Surely there are others who wasted oil because it was “free”. But, of course, THEY'RE the ones all of this “help” is geared for... those who waste. Not to mention those who come to the state... like that one in the back unit, “entitled” to take from the coffers of the locals. Sure, SOME might think me of the same ilk, but... - As of the moment, I'm leaving notes for tonight... I'm just SO damned tired! (Nothing “new” there.) Yonah's Journal is up, on-line and current and that's really all that matters to me... that's ALL that has ANY importance to me. - Oh... that “chili”? I took some to the side, added rice and have a LARGE portion for meal this evening. It tastes pretty good! Beef, veggies, black beans, chickpeas, black-eye peas... surely packed with “cholesterol”... the 2lb of beef was a bit too much. But... hey... let's give the “Liptor” something to work on. Eh? The down side” the house stinks from all the spices. (Then again, I do too... but that's from, well... needing a shower... Oh, the days of when I really felt that I should care about such a thing. “Old”... and stinking like it. How did I come to this?) - 22.10... Nope. No shower again tonight. But the truth is, I really don't “care”. The bed linens need washing, and there ought to be a gas delivery coming this week to start a full tank again... for hot water. I wonder if I'll be able to drag this out until then. (And the 200$ gas bill that I expect to get. But where that's concerned... well... there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe it's time I learnt how to be like “others”... Stop the worrying and just deal with what-ever. After all... I can't “give” what I don't have, and, I'm not alone in this. And it isn't as though I've been reckless about it all... not that that makes any difference to anybody else. “Common sense”, “sympathy”... just empty words with no meaning any longer these days. I'll swear that there's a concerted effort being made to kill-off the “old” now. Even the so-called “Pres” said we're embarquing on a “New World Order”... All those “sci-fi” stories about “the future”... that “future” is now... Well? As I say: It's a good time in human history to be “old”... it won't be all that long now. And with a “doctor” that appears to simply want nothing more than to put a new paint job on a vehicle with engine troubles... that's that.) - Oh... checked, out of curiosity... I CAN get to that “echo” via the 9 all the way. The brakes on the truck are “vibrating and pulling” A-FUCKING-GAIN! So, pulling off the Northway at 100kph is out of the question, and the 9 is pretty “open” much of the way... It'll take me an hour to get there, but at least I won't bust the truck doing it. There's been no word about a lift, Deborah said she'd drive me but... No sense “taking advantage”... though I'm sure she wouldn't offer if she wasn't sincere. We'll have to see. We have a few more days to go before... - OFF TO THE RACK!
Thu.24.Mar: (DAY 1: LIPITOR... 20.00) 6.15 woke from a “dream”:
sitting in a room similar to one of those “Public/Social Services” waiting rooms, full of people, I don't know why, but there we were, all packed-in, waiting... for something, and I was SO SO TIRED! I'd found a metal folding chair to sit on and was doing all possible to stay awake when I finally decided that I HAD to get up before I fell asleep. I knew that, if I fell asleep, it would be “deep” sleep, I was EXHAUSTED! So I stood up, picked-up my empty back-pack, for some reason, I was very aware of the empty back-pack, and said to the young gal beside me, was also getting ready to stand up or leave or... “Me too. If I sit here a minute longer, I'm going to fall asleep.” We'd all been waiting for the longest while, and there were SO MANY OTHERS in the room... And on my way through the crowd, I simply resigned my-self that what-ever it was that I was there for, it wasn't going to happen because once I was out of that building, I wasn't coming back. I headed for the exit and... woke.
Meanwhile, last night... On the rack at 22.10... up with CONTRACTION, right foot/shin at ... yes... 12-something... again at 2-something... 4-something... the “5.30” alarm sounded, I turned it off, the “5.45”... off... the dream... the “6.00” alarm... up. - Now? Dressed already... Rain falling out there. - 2 smokes left in the house. Pondering whether or not to get more. Need gas for the truck. Ought to pick-up the script at Kinney's. Not sure if there's anything else that I ought to get... at market? - Woke rather annoyed... Demuro, the echo, the colonoscopy, the alleged “emphysema”, wondering what, if what, is caused by something in this shit-box, the street light, the oil situation... Well? All will change when “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” and my time is with my Little Heart-and-Soul. - Thought: I'm thankful I'm here and not in VT... at least here, I don't have the added stress and anger... and don't have to be concerned about... “them” and their nonsense there. - OK... on with the day... I have to get to the loo. THAT'S a “good thing”. - 6.59 from the loo and no “call”... Hmmm...?
7.06 HELLO? MY LITTLE GUY IS UP! WE'RE BOTH UP AND... OFF TO ANOTHER DAY... TOGETHER!
12.17 WELL? 30$ gas... 6,01gal.. .4,999/gal. Non-eth. I expected 5,999 or higher. Stewart's had Camel Blue! Of course, almost 14$/pk. Got a pack anyway. And had to break into the cash... FUCK! THEN... got the fucking poison (pills/meds). And the truck? Rolled quietly... the odometer didn't come on for the trip TO town but did on the trip back. BUT IT MADE IT! - I'm NOT pushing the rest of the day. - As for this morning? Nothing much... JUST MY LITTLE GUY!
13.37 JUST OFF THE LINE WITH “JOHN” FROM NYSEG ABOUT THE STREET LIGHT! HE WAS A KIND AND WONDERFUL AS COULD BE! AND... HE SAYS HE'S PUTTING-IN A WORK ORDER/TICKET TO SEND SOMEBODY OVER TO EITHER PUT A SHIELD OR RE-DIRECT THE LIGHT BOTH THINGS THAT MERRIEFUKKER SAID THEY WOULDN'T/DON'T DO! I ALMOST CRIED ON THE PHONE, MY VOICE CRACKED AND “JOHN” MUST'VE HEARD IT BECAUSE HE CHUCKLED A BIT! Now, whether or not they do anything is another thing. BUT... NYSEG SAID THEY COULD DO SOMETHING... WHERE-AS THAT LIAR IN LIZSLUM SAID THEY WOULDN'T! Let's see where this goes... Interesting.
AND GAS WAS DELIVERED TODAY... 104$ BUT AT LEAST IT ISN'T THE 200$ I WAS EXPECTING! NOW... WAITING TO HEAR FROM “HEAP”... it's all going too well at the moment... Number 3? -
OK... •1• STREET LIGHT: CALLED AND WAITING. •2• SALMON: CALLED... PINK LABEL IS CAUGHT AND CANNED IN USA... •3• ***** HEAP ***** CALLED... JOANNE IS PUTTING THROUGH THE APPLICATION FOR... “EMERGENCY”... AND WE LAUGHED! AND SHE SAID THAT THE “SEASON” IS OPEN THROUGH APRIL THIS YEAR! I'M ENTITLED TO AN “EMERGENCY” !!! AND SHE TELLS ME SHE HAS HER HOUSE SET AT 62F TOO! - 15.54 *** APPROVED *** “EMERGENCY” *** APPROVED *** ABOUT 180 GALLONS OF OIL !!! 95 GALLONS SHORT OF *** FULL *** !!! ABOUT 65% FULL !!! JUST OVER 900$, AND I'M THINKING OIL HAS TO BE ABOUT 5$/GALLON AT THIS POINT SO... AND THE BLOODY FURNACE JUST KICKED! NOW... TO HOLD UNTIL TUESDAY (“TIL TUESDAY”... “COMIN' UP CLOSE” INDEED !!!) I'M... SHOCKED, I TELL YOU. SHOCKED !!! AND JOANNE WAS LAUGHING !!! AND SHE SAID THAT IF I WERE TO GET A DISCONNECT FROM THE ELECTRIC BEFORE THE END OF APRIL, I CAN GET HELP WITH THAT TOO !!!! LIVE AND LEARN !!! OMG!!! - MEAN-WHILE... YONAH'S BEEN PLAYFUL TOO !!!! WHAT A DAY !!! THIS AND THE TRUCK IS ONLY JUST ABOVE, BUT *ABOVE* A HALF TANK! (I'M SCARED NOW...) -
16.16 YONAH WAS IN THE POOL! AND I'M JUST OFF THE PHONE... AVERY WILL BE HERE ON TUESDAY WITH OIL! THEY CALLED ME TO LET ME KNOW! (But... there's the issue of “Balance”... I still eat my heart out. That's me... JUST DON'T TAKE ANYTHING OUT ON YONAH! But it “Nature”/”Fate”/”Karma” does... I'm OUT of here! WITH my Little Guy!) - 20.09 WELL!!! The day has come to a close... Yonah is tucked-in... I've take the FIRST LIPITOR. Now we get to see what “side-effects” are to come. My primary concern? CONTRACTIONS. But... as I say: if they're bad... I stop taking the med... and HOPE they just return to “normal”... I don't expect them to go away. Oddly enough, I took the damned pill at 20.00 and just had a wicked sneezing fit and blew all sorts out as I blew my nose. “Psychological”... We shall see. - ANYWAY... WHAT A DAY! WHAT AN AMAZING SORT OF DAY! I'm STILL in disbelief! The guy at NYSEG was so “understanding”. Joanne and HEAP... well... all I had to do is ask if there was anything left in the HEAP and she IMMEDIATELY went about the entire process. AND AVERY CALLED ME TO TELL ME THAT THEY'LL BE HERE ON TUESDAY! (Of course, now, Sunday and Monday nights? -10 and -11° after the next few days of MORE RAIN! I'll check he tank again tomorrow but I believe it should be down only to 1/4 even by now so... ) I KNOW I shouldn't get hopes up, but, with the extra oil, I'll be able to open the curtains in the living-room again! And IF NYSEG DOES come through... nights will be nicer. Last night I'd forgotten to close Yonah's blind behind his house and had to disturb him when, after he'd been settled, I went to close them. Other-wise, the light that comes through illuminates his room and he's STILL in it! MAYBE Summer won't be intolerable... though... I'd still like to he out of here! We shall see... and if HUD is the solution, so be it. - Right now, my major concern is this med. I don't like it, don't like the idea of being on it... and it's a * 90-DAY * supply! Let's hope I don't have to re-fill it. - I was thinking, since the gas came today and it's going to cost the same 104 as last month, I was going to get a “scrubby shower” before bed, but the truth of the matter is... I'm tired... though not as tired as last night... and the linens aren't washed (though there's a complete change in the room), and it would mean washing the sweats I've been wearing and it's to be rainy the next fore-seeable future, and I'm making excuses but... Tomorrow's Friday... Shabbat... maybe then. But not tonight. I DO STINK! WOW! Do I EVER! But... I'm not going any place... and there's a pack of smokes I'll drag out for a while. So? So... and tonight, with the Lipitor... I'll have either yoghurt (which I had for dessert) or ice cream (and we'll see how “wonderfully well” this shit works). But anyway... I'm holding on to today's ACCOMPLISHMENTS! LIGHT, GAS, OIL... PETROL FOR THE TRUCK! AND A DAY WITH MY HEART-AND-SOUL... WHO, BY THE WAY, IN CASE I DIDN'T MENTION IT HERE... USED THE NEW POOL! I admit, I “coerced” him a bit... I splashed my fingers in the water and he hopped in, but once in... HE STAYED AND SPLASHED AND THE EXTRA SPACE IN THIS NEW POOL GIVES HIM ROOM TO MOVE ABOUT! - For now... I'm going to post to the Journals... since they're current and tomorrow? Well... I managed to get more music today... iPod! (Just what I need... I've been working on the list... and not working on it, for MONTHS! Now I get to ADD to it? What a moron I can be.) So I've got that to occupy time. It's going to rain anyway... so... AND IT'S TIME WITH MY LITTLE GUY! - That's that for this and POST TIME! - 20.32 CODED! - 22.10 I'm off to the rack... and expecting PAIN PAIN PAIN... if not just the usual contractions... it's the start of the “poison”.
Fri.25.Mar: 7.03 Managed to sleep-through last night but was still awake at 23.00... anyway... the thing is, what I really mean... I managed to sleep through the night. Had a dreamlette of pulling the hair out of my left ear though... woke with that “swollen” sensation. Oh well... I guess the point is, I woke this morning. Feeling? No different. But... I say so only because of the “expected/anticipated side effects” of the meds. Other-wise, I did NOT want to get up this morning... so tired, comfy and turned the alarm off until actual 6.00. Dressed now. Halfie on the front porch. - Dreary, raining... and there we have it. - 11.09 Just going out on a limb here to mention this... but... I just went down to check the tank... and I have NO idea HOW I read it the last time but... When I called yesterday about the “Emergency”... I was POSITIVE that it was SO MUCH CLOSER TO 1/8th... and today, I took the photo, with the flash, which I didn't do before calling and it isn't even at the 1/4 mark! I'm probably going to be in deep shit now... unless I use that much oil between now and Tuesday. Then again... Sunday and Monday nights are supposed to be -10 and -11° so there's a chance. (Or, I could, as Joanne suggested, crank the furnace up to 70F... I don't know that I could stand it, especially if it's going to run as it's running today... IT STINKS TO THE HIGHEST HEAVENS in here! It ran just before I went to check t he level and it REEKS of OIL! The damned thing NEEDS CLEANING! And I'm feeling it! I DREAD thinking of Yonah! But... we'll “go” together... and if it has anything to do with the furnace... let the “manslaughter” and “negligence” charges soar... and the funds/fines go to a rescue/rehabber. I'm at wits' end with this fuckerie.) - Meanwhile, my arms are “achy” and my nose... well... it's as if I'm coming down with a cold. “Lipitor”? We shall see... I'll give it more time and see. If it gets worse? I stop... - Had a banana... magnesium... will have oat-meal in a bit... cholesterol. And then? On with the day. - I REFUSE to go get smokes so... “austerity” on that front. I CAN make this pack last and I shall! - The sun is trying to break through but... grey. - HEY! YONAH'S UP AND ABOUT! WE'RE FINE... JUST FINE! - 16.44 It's been a “DRAGGING” sort of day all day. I don't know if it's the continuation of the bull-shit fuckerie of my health in general, or a “depression”. Maybe it's the relief of yesterday, and my body's collapsing after the stress. OR... is it the fucking meds? - I looked this shit up (again) today and found that this “statin” is used to treat cholesterol, infections, ALL sorts of ailments! It's good for the heart, the blood, so much and many things! The “cholesterol” is only ONE of MANY of it's “delights”. And the “side effects” aren't all that “common”... from “muscle aches” to “ED”. In fact, according to the shit I've read, IF this shit actually works as it ought, I ought to be feeling quite a bit better when it finally kicks in. Will I? Oh... I doubt it. But we shall see. Tonight will be the second dose and “documentation” claims it takes a couple of weeks before any of its “benefits” become obvious. So? So... I just HATE the fatigue... the constant FUCKING FATIGUE! - Mean-while, I DID manage to get the oil checked. Got Yonah's photos onto the server and pages. DID A QUICK BUDGET FOR APRIL AND, BY THE MOMENT, I'LL BE “LIVING” ON 18$/WEEK THROUGH THE MONTH. (I have to check a couple of items but it's not going to make much of a difference no matter what I do.)
THERE'S ONE THING THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WITH MY NERVES NOW THOUGH... THE AIR IN THIS SHIT-BOX! THE FURNACE REEKS OF OIL !!! I LOOKED AT THE DUCT-WORK IN THE CELLAR TODAY. THERE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE ANY “OPENINGS”, BUT THE STENCH OF THE CELLAR MIXED WITH THE STENCH OF FUEL IS JUST... “CONCERNING”. I'LL SWEAR THAT THERE'S TOXINS IN THE AIR AND THAT THEY'RE COMING FROM THAT PIECE OF SHIT DOWN THERE ! THE NEXT THING ON THE “AGENDA”... CHECK TO SEE IF I CAN'T GET SOMEBODY * NOT LOCAL * TO COME IN HERE AND CHECK THE FURNACE AND THE AIR QUALITY !!! IF I'M GOING TO BE STUCK HERE FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME... WITH ***** YONAH ***** I'M NOT PUTTING-UP WITH THIS SHIT ANY LONGER !!! AND IF I HAVE TO GO THROUGH “HUD” TO GET IT CHECKED? WELL... IF IT MEANS BETTER CONDITIONS FOR YONAH... NO PROBLEM. IF I HAVE TO “GIVE-UP” SOMETHING... FOOD, PERHAPS, THAT'S FINE BY ME. BUT... THIS IS NOT GOING TO CONTINUE! SHOVE THE SHIT ! I'VE BEEN TAKEN FOR A FOOL, IDIOT, DOLT. I'VE BEEN LIED TO. IT'S DONE, OVER, FINISHED ! AND THAT'S THAT! AND IF SOMETHING COMES OF THESE “TESTS” I'M GOING THROUGH... FINE AND DANDY! GET ME AN ATTORNEY! I PUT UP WITH MORE FUCKERY IN THOSE 8 YEARS IN THAT SHIT-HOLE ACROSS THE LAKE... I'LL NOT PUT UP WITH * ANY * IN MY HOME-STATE ! AND THAT'S THAT!
ALSO NOTICED THAT THE LINOLEUM UNDER THE FRIDGE IS “BUCKLING” !!! WTAF? I CHECKED THE JOISTS, POLES, FLOOR-BOARDS UNDER IT, FROM THE CELLAR. IT'S “CONCERNING” DOWN THERE BUT ALL APPEARS TO BE SECURE. STILL... YONAH AND I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE... SOON!
That said... “back-ups” are done. THAT's a relief! - 20.23 THE FUCKING SHIT-BOX REEKS OF OIL TONIGHT AND THE BOX FAN HAS BEEN ON ALL DAY, IN THE KITCHEN, CIRCULATING THE DAMNED AIR AND THE DOORS WERE OPEN. I JUST LOOKED IT UP... THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE FURNACE THAT PROBABLY NEEDS REPAIR AND, WELL, I'LL CONTACT DEBORAH TOMORROW TO SEE WHO SHE USES FOR HER FURNACE. I THINK THEY USE PROPANE, BUT HOPEFULLY SHE CAN GIVE ME SOME LEADS. I CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY REPAIRS ON THE FURNACE...
I WAS JUST LOOKING AT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH AND THOSE 'BUMPS' ON MY LOWER-RIGHT JAW SEEM TO BE GETTING LARGER. THEY'RE NOT “IN THE WAY” AND THEY'RE NOT PAINFUL, BUT... THEY'RE “IN” THE JAW... CANCER? OR AM I JUST OVER-REACTING AGAIN? IN ANY CASE... THOUSAND$ IS IN THERE, NO DOUBT... AND NO INSURANCE TO HELP. NOT TO MENTION... PLATTSBURGH? UNLESS I GO TO THE DENTIST LOCALLY AND JUST GET X-RAYS AND SUCH... BUT EVEN THAT... WITH ONLY 18$/WEEK IN APRIL. OH WELL... WE'LL SEE.
BUT I WORRY ABOUT THE OIL FUMES AND YONAH! AH... THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING AROUND HERE.
I WANT to shower tonight so I'm making quick with this and HOPING for WATER! I'll get HOT water... there's a full tank of gas now... NOW it's a matter of getting water at all! - Anyway... Meal was delightful... though I'm sure terribly un-healthy with all the beef in it. But LOTS of bean and veggies. And PopTarts with cran-pom juice after... and a Lipitor with. Number 2... and counting. Only 88 more in the bottle... “only”. Fuck! - But the house is warm enough. Thermostat at 65F. Tonight... 1° and double-digit nights coming... all “negative”. Oh joy! (By Tuesday, the damned tank probably will be under a quarter!) - Yonah's Journal is current. This one is about to be. Coding time... and up-loading and... There's the tiniest bit of ice cream in the one “French Vanilla” container in the freezer and just a little yoghurt. I should have maybe gone to market but I'd rather, if I decide to, go to market and smokes all at once. And I'll be doing that on Sunday. - 7 smokes left too... HAH! NEVER going to last to Sunday! Not at this point. Sometimes I wish I could go back to drinking. I really was in better shape then. But... we'll give this “healthy” a try... even with the smokes. If Demuro only knew... if he only gave a shit. But... it's like EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE... I'M ON MY OWN... SOLO... JUST ME. But with my inspiration to go on... My COMPANION, my Heart-and-Soul... my Little Guy... Yonah. - Speaking of whom....
Somebody named Sander Rosenberg sent Yonah an E-mail! Says s/he has had doves in the yard for 5 years and wanted to know about he “18 month life-span”. I answered immediately! YONAH GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL! SOMEBODY IS SEEING HIS SITE! SO GOOD TO KNOW! AND SO DELIGHTFUL! DOES MY HEART GOOD!
It's mentioned in his Journal... of course, which is, after all... “my journal” because my BEING is HIM. - On that... time to get these to the servers. - Tomorrow will take care of itself... Let's see if I don't make more excuses for not showering tonight... (I'm already thinking about it... I'm tired... but then, I'm ALWAYS tired...) - 21.57 Not bothering with the shower again tonight... I just don't want to be bollocksed... no water, what-ever... I just don't want to... But I did manage to salvage a bit more of next month's budget... not much, not enough... and it'll all go to gas... to go to Plattsburgh... now... hopefully, the truck will get there and back... there's the brakes, the exhaust... and in July... inspection fuck me! -
Sat.26.Mar: 7.29 Up, reluctantly, at 6.00... from a dream:
Sorting through laundry, in a yard, with many others around. Sort of a “refugee” situation. So many people from some other country. Over-cast. Grey (of course). A short, stout woman said to me: “You're on live-broad-cast Arab television, you know.” I said “Well then, I'll make it more interesting.” and removed my cap. I was wearing my kippa, it was Saturday. She looked at me, disgusted look, and walked away. I walked over to where I had more laundry (to either wash or hang on a line), self-conscious of the kippa, expecting to be brutally murdered but didn't care.
I woke, feeling “almost rested”, not in the least disturbed by the dream. But I wonder what brought it on. - Anyway, I was up... and about and last night's lap-top scan was done in 2 hours 11 minutes. Clean. This morning I ran the “off-line”... clean again. And, so far, no files “disappeared”... yet. There's still time - Was going to strip the bed to make a wash. Thought of doing the sweats. Thought of doing clothes. Some-how, I don't want to be arsed. I can make excuses. - But I SLEPT THROUGH AGAIN LAST NIGHT! Felt “almost rested” this morning but didn't want to get out of bed after the 3 alarms. Was feeling OK... for a while... but the “normal” is back... with a chest pain and fatigue. I'm good for about an hour or so and then... back to feeling like shit. Ah... this is how it's going to be... until it's not. - 7.05 Morning call! Soft again, this morning though. And “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”. When I answered with a “5-hoo” the reply was the “3-hoo”. I suppose I was being “corrected”? But THE DAY IS OFFICIALLY ENGAGED! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD! MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS UP! - Feeling like going back to sleep. The house smelled OK this morning until the furnace kicked. Slight “fumes” again. There's always something to annoy, to be anxious about. - 14.13 WHAT A DAY WHAT A DAY WHAT A DAY! - Yonah was SO VOCIFEROUS this morning! And ALL DAY, he's been in and out of his room... toddling about. He's even to the point where he just ignores me and walks right out of the room and to the living-room! IT'S AMAZING! And he's been on my shoulder so many times! I'm imagining this is what “Parrot People” experience but I NEVER even thought a DOVE wold be so bold and SO CLOSE! THIS IS SUCH AN HONOUR, PRIVILEGE, BLESSING! And it gives me more encouragement to keep on and keep up with what-ever medical I'm going to be subjected to. (Now, if I'm going to be FORCED into “in-patient” antibiotics, or surgeries, which I suspect will be coming... mostly “oral/dental”, I NEED to find SOME-body who'll PROPERLY take care of Yonah... Although... I don't know about “admission”... To be honest, I'm wondering if I don't have some kind of “systemic infection” and, like Bob Taylor, they're just not “looking for it”. Well... Wednesday will be quite telling... AND THAT'S WEIGHING ON MY MIND TOO... The truck making the trip, money for gas... It's about to be another one of those “oppressive” periods. I just have to focus on the fact that I've been through these... I've actually been THROUGH WORSE! I'VE BEEN IN THE HOMELESS SHELTER IN NYC! *THE* SHELTER! (Thankfully not “Grey Skull” or “Willow”... nor “Wards”... but, I managed to survive Brindou... I suppose that's saying something.) “This too, shall pass.” - Have to comment: When I went out to check the post this morning, Jeff and Eric were on the front porch of the pee-oh. I lit my cigarette and walked round as I do. Jeff looked right at me and almost “through”. Eric almost whispered “Good morning Jude”. I nodded and they didn't say a word but I broke-up the “meeting”. Subsequently, Deborah sent an e-mail saying that she saw a “meeting” when she came by to check her post. (I sent a reply saying that I'm “persona non grata” and that I don''t care.) - It's been over-cast all day, but, thankfully, not COLD! And the house has been comfy... set at 65F. Yonah's room is at 24° so all is well... - I had a 40-minute snooze this morning... had oat-meal and a banana at mid-day... and I'm about to grab 20 minutes of lie-down... - Accomplished today? Fukkall. - Oh... the box fan has been on in the kitchen all day too... No “fumes” from since this morning, but I've been opening the front door and leaving it open for my “half-smokes”. - (4 of them left... tomorrow's going to be “interesting”... TONIGHT is going to be “telling”. Truth is, as Demuro says... at this point, it's really just “habit”... let's see. Were it not for Yonah, I'd be in bed... speaking of which... I NEED A SHOWER! THIS is gotten DISGUSTING! And I think the meds are playing with my digestion... I've been running to the loo... not “running”. Solid. Not much each time but several times. Oh... here we go... “OLD”! FUCK ME!) - 20.15 Dined with Yonah again this evening... and what a joy that was. HE at whilst I ate! Our clocks are synched... as they say. - And “meal”? Well... Lipitor and more of that “chili-thing”. I'm not eating much of late. Hopefully it'll take away some of the “excess” in the belly. But this evening, I went “digging” in some teeth on the lower-right and WOW! There are TWO that are “gone”... quite deep into the jaw! OH! Who-ever gets to have at THIS mess is going to regret they ever saw it. (But with those “nodules” there I DO want to have them attended... Though there's NO WAY IN FUCKING ANYTHING that I can afford to... not for the fore-seeable future. Damned shame too... I could have made an appointment at Aspen in Plattsburgh to at least get x-rays... of those bumps... and then hear the PANIC! But... Life's a fuck, then you bleed and pray to die... but you don't.) - There's a distinct “chemical odour” in the kitchen right now... the box fan has been on all day, and this evening, when the furnace kicked, there was the usual “oil” smell, but this is more like “rot”... and a touch “acrid”. I'm REALLY fed-the-fuck up with this shit-box! REALLY! And... one smoke left... so if I have to go with-out those on top of this... Wednesday is going to be SO interesting... especially since it's looking like I'm going to have to drive... OH... the fun 'twill be! FUCK! I've GOT to figure a way out of here! There HAS to be SOME place to go to! There IS... “It's out there”. I just need to get my shit together and MAKE IT HAPPEN! Indeed! - But Yonah is tucked-in. - I changed the linens on the bed today so... SHOWER TONIGHT NO CHOICE! - Have a list of shopping for tomorrow. MAYBE FamDoll will have A pack of smokes? I HATE using the cash but... we do what we do... And I have quite a bit I want to get at market... there's talk of MAJOR SHORTAGES... ESPECIALLY “WHEAT” PRODUCTS... BREAD! And I've discovered that eggs CAN be frozen so I can put some of those up for future bread-making. (I just hope to find yeast tomorrow.) Ah... the fuckery of existence. - For now... off to the servers, a quick nosh (cranberry sauce perhaps, there's a tin in the fridge that I bought specifically for “nosh”) and then... SHOWER AND RACK! - At least my Heart-and-Soul is safe and sound and we have fuel to keep us warm (and asphyxiated). - I'm getting that “chest-to-arms-to-neck” pain again. Well? It was a GLORIOUS DAY WITH YONAH... AND HIS RUNNING ROOM-TO-ROOM WAS “AWE-FULL”! The night CAN'T be good... Nature “balances” - 20.30 ALL DONE... on the servers... - 22.34 SCRUBBED... THE DOUBLE... AND THE WATER CAME JUST AS I OPENED THE SHOWER! AT LAST! CLEAN AGAIN! NOW... TO THE RACK!
Sun.17.Mar: 8.18 OOB @ 6.15... Linens and whites in the basin, on the soak. Dressed fresh. “Morning Call” @ 7.12. And now, lavage on rods and rack in the shower. “Morning Routine” complete. Snow on Greene but no others. Cool and grey but not (yet) “cold”. I felt perfectly fine this morning, having actually slept through another night (don't mention, don't push luck) until I got dressed and then, all the usual nonsense commenced. My head is some-where not quite on the ceiling but it's “up there”, “floating” from room-to-room. Wednesday is expected to be COLD in the morning... Tuesday night COLD... and I have to be out of here by AT LEAST 9.45... I mean... ON THE BLOODY ROAD AT 9.45. Should be “quite interesting”. We'll see IF a call comes in tomorrow... and... I've little-to-no doubt it will be “Can't find anybody.” OK. We've done worse, heard worse, been through worse... Let's see how the truck manages today... I'm just trying to figure gas, groceries and a pack of smokes... Indeed... things could be worse. (I just don't want to leave Yonah... AND WEDNESDAY IS KILLING ME! THREE HOURS AWAY FROM HIM! NOT GOOD!) - OK... on we go. The day has quite commenced. (And now, I need another trip to the loo... with the washing hanging. Lovely.) - 9.35 JUST HAD ANOTHER OF THOSE “WHAMMY SPIN-JOBS” Still feeling “off” but... need to get to market and... so? off we go. - And Yonah is in the LIVING-ROOM! MY LOVE! - 20.38 I have NO clue as to what happened to all the hours of this day! But they REALLY HAVE passed all too quickly! - I DID manage to get the bed linens washed and they ARE dry now and folded, ready to be put away until... And I DID manage to get to Stewart's and put 20$ of the “high octane” but NOT the 91... into the tank. 4,something gallons ONLY! But it brought it up to about 3/4. If I have to drive to Plattsburgh on Wednesday, that quarter tank ought to cover the trip both ways... “ought”. We shall see. Still... makes me sick! And got a pack of smokes too... and “Paula” was at the cashe! When she recognised my voice she almost squealed “How ARE YOU?” She sounded delighted to see me. So I played along with it and was pleasant. I don't believe she remembers WHO I am... I'd been in the store before and she OBVIOUSLY didn't want to be bothered with me. Oh well... what-ever. - Oh... FamDoll STILL haven't gotten their tobacco delivery... I spoke, on the phone, with Betsy this morning. Hmmm... suspicious... indeed. - Anyway... off to the market... for some “serious” shopping” today. There's talk of more price increases and more decreases in stock AND a MASSIVE DECREASE IN WHEAT PRODUCTS. They're blaming the war in Ukraine but, well, in the USA I know better... it's an excuse to fill government pockets. Thankfully, I discovered the yeast, hidden in a box between all sorts of other things so I have that, and sugar and another bag of flour. And I got 18 more eggs (on sale). Putting it all up was a typical pain in this shit-box but... there's food in the house. OH... AND THE FELLOW AT THE CASHE AT THE MARKET NEVER ASKED ME FOR MY “CARD” AND JUST BLURTED OUT THE TOTAL... ALMOST 100$! (ONE BLOODY TOTE, NOTHING OUT-LANDISH... JUST GROCERIES... 100$!!! BUT WHEN I HELD UP THE CARD AND HE SCANNED IT... 12$ LESS! SLICK! But, at least I managed to save that extra. It might be FS, but it's money for more food when needed. I don't know HOW others are managing these days! This is fucking repulsive! - And the truck made the trip there and back. (Poor thing... it's got ethanol in there now... and tonight is going to be -10... tomorrow night... -11! I can only hope...) For THAT, I am truly grateful! -
I'M TRYING THAT “FREEZING METHOD” FOR THE EGGS NOW... 2 DOZEN OF THEM... 6 AT A TIME/BAG. I “BLENDED” YOLK AND WHITE AND POURED THE HALF-DOZEN INTO ZIP FREEZER BAGS AND THEY'RE IN THE FREEZER. WE'LL SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT... I'LL USE A BAG WHEN I MAKE BREAD AGAIN... which I ought to do tomorrow but.. ANYWAY... HERE'S TO A NEW ADVENTURE?
As for the rest of the day? Well... it's all about Yonah, really... But this evening, I did mange to call Ev on Moe's yahrtzeit. In fact, we were cut-off and she actually called me back! We talked for about an hour or more. It was a delight. She sounded good, well, and when I mentioned being on Lipitor, she said she's been on it for years now... but only at 10mg... I'm on 40! Anyway, she put me to ease... no “side-effects” so there's a good chance. - Still... I'd LIKE TO KNOW WHAT BROUGHT THAT “EPISODE” ON THIS MORNING! IT WAS ONE OF THE ONES THAT MADE ME FEEL THAT I HAD TO FIGHT TO SURVIVE IT, AGAIN! WE'LL SEE WHAT KIND OF BULL-SHIT THEY'LL FEED ME ON WEDNESDAY... OR AFTER, WHEN THE “DOCTOR” RINGS... IF HE BOTHERS. (I'm getting to where I seriously don't trust him... never mind the rest of them.) - As for Yonah? Well... I'm going to include again this evening, from his Journal... Why not? “Copy/Paste” and “duplicate”. It IS, after all, the ONLY reason I'm even typing this:
|
This morning, I had to run to market and, because there were “threats” of more snow and such in the forecast, I wanted to get out and back before any of it happened so, shortly after morning routine, when I knew that Yonah was all “settled into the day”, I started to get things together for the errand. No matter what any-one else might have to say on the matter, I will forever swear that Yonah has a “sense” that “people” might lay claim to but, in comparison to Yonah, they've nothing. He some-how “knows” when I'm putting me together to leave the house and this morning, as usual, he “followed” my every move. I went to the kitchen to get shopping list and other items together and he headed right for the pillows on his futon where he could watch my every move. And when I got the little “bag” I keep banque cards and the likes in, he headed through the kitchen and out to the living-room... to the door I've been leaving through since the Winter snows have made leaving through the back door, in the kitchen, a bit perilous. He's even noticed the change in the door I use! But this morning, he was going to be right there! As if “daring” me to leave (or, asking me NOT to leave). So I slowed my activities down, trying to make it appear that I was just “organising” and when, at last, Yonah went back to his room, I headed out. I wasn't gone an hour, and when I returned, instead of coming into the house via the back door, as I used to do, regularly, I came in through the front door. When I opened the door, I looked, immediately, for Yonah, because he often heads for the living-room of late, and I looked to the “limb” in the corner, in case he was there with the decoys. No, I didn't see him until... UNTIL I LOOKED DOWN, TO THE FLOOR... AND THERE... RIGHT IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM STOOD MY LITTLE GUY, FEET APART, STARING DIRECTLY AT ME. Honestly, with that stance and his face, and his head held erect, the words were almost surely audible: “WELL! FIRST YOU SNEAK OUT. THEN YOU STAY OUT. AND NOW YOU COME SNEAKING BACK IN! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PULLING HERE? AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” It was SO touching! Even with-out my interjection of speculation and such, to see him standing there! It's becoming difficult to think of him as a mourning dove... a little bird from the back yard... He's behaving more and more like a “toddler” or, what would be expected from a puppy! He's AMAZING! And if I weren't LIVING this experience, I probably wouldn't believe it if some-body else were to tell me these episodes! But they're TRUE! No exaggeration, even in the slightest. Yonah shows MORE “thought” than I've yet to see documented in my research. He's curious. He “calculates”... my movements, his movements. He has an ability to “know” my intentions and, to an extent, can fore-see them. It's no longer just so much that HE chose to create this “COMPANIONSHIP”... this “bond”, as it's called. There's some sort of “uniting of spirits, of souls”. He doesn't just “imprint” or what-ever one might call it, he obviously “KNOWS” my feelings for, toward and about him. (And he's so patient with me, as I try to communicate with him... I can only say that I know that HE KNOWS that I can't understand him, but... that doesn't keep him from “chatting”, communicating with me, with his coo's and his actions.) He let's me know when he wakes in the morning. He let's me know when he wants affection, attention, contact, and when he doesn't. He uses a combination of audible and visual. Me? I'm still fumbling through the awkward “coo's” and just hoping that my actions are perceived as “loving”, playful and never threatening. The day? Well, it was, after all the errands and house-hold tasks were completed, a “Sunday”... an “early-Spring”, grey, chilly and damp Sunday. We had a slight bit of snow for a while, and so, Yonah and I both “occupied” our time as we deemed necessary at the moment, as the moments passed. We even had a bit of a “nap”... for about 40 minutes. (I'd set an alarm for 45 minutes, knowing that I wouldn't be getting to doze for the first part of that time... and of course, my head hit the pillow and Yonah was on my shoulder... pecking at my ear, for a little while.) And yes, just about 2 minutes before the alarm was set to sound... “Peck, peck” and toddling up and down my arm. It's “uncanny”, as they say, but he's yet to miss an alarm. Later this after-noon, I was on the telephone, sitting on Yonah's futon, and, as I spoke to the other party, Yonah came over to sit beside me on the futon... and during my conversation, he did as he does, often, when I'm speaking with some-one other than him... he had a few “things to say”. I'm still not sure if it's a matter of him realising that I'm not speaking to him and he's objecting or, he believes that I AM speaking to him and he's responding. But what-ever it is... I happen to enjoy it and when I reached over to “peck” at him and stroke him, he appeared to be quite pleased. (I've wondered, at times, if the people at the other end hear him and what, if anything, they must think of the “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” in the back-ground. Ah, what-ever... it's my Little Guy and it's no disturbance... other than reminding me that I'd much prefer spending that time with him.) This evening, we had our “evening meals” together again. I'd almost swear that Yonah's waiting for me now because I was a bit later than usual but the moment he saw me sit at the work table and begin eating, he went directly for his own food and WOW, did he ever eat WELL! I'm going to have to keep note of that. (And again, there's another reason why I, or somebody Yonah will trust, has to be here... I keep remembering all the information documented about parrots and how THEY actually NEED the companionship or they tend to become quite ill, mentally and physically. I see the same traits in Yonah, and yet, I've yet to see them documented. Then again... he's a “mourning dove” and surely, such “studies” that would obviate his behaviour can't be done in the “wild”. But I imagine other doves MUST have the same or similar characteristics and yet, I see nothing of this sort of fact documented. Looks like I have some pages to re-write/amend/adjust on Yonah's site now... or... a “paper” of some sort to write.. as if anybody will have any real interest. Still... hopefully SOME-body will see this journal, take the time to read it and LEARN!) For the mean-time, I'm not planning on any “extended absences”... Quite frankly, my own heart and soul couldn't bear the loneliness of separation. There would be BOTH of us, Yonah and I, suffering. But, no need to even ponder... such a thing just isn't happening. As Yonah breathes, I breathe. And today's “wrap-up event”? “Evening routine” and the “water relay”! I have NO idea WHAT ever prompted Yonah this evening, but, instead of watching (supervising) as he's always done, from the pillows on his futon, HE FOLLOWED ME! Toddling, at FULL-SPEED! I don't usually walk any quicker than I have to, in order to keep-up with the water draining from the pool, but I have a bit of a “pace” for the timing. But TONIGHT? I was watching my every step AND watching Yonah, RUNNING along-side! He followed me across his room and stopped at the door-way, and then waited for me to return with the next “round” of water containers and then RAN, following me back to his house! I have to admit, I was rather nervous about it. After all, dear Reader, imagine the size of a mourning dove... now imagine trying to keep an eye on this Little One, at your feet, and watching where you're going. BUT... he managed to keep a proper distance. Still, it brought to mind a bit of a cartoon skit and I could almost hear Yonah repeating “Where'ya goin'? Where'ya goin'?” He kept it up for about 4 of the 7 trips I make and then, finally, I suppose the novelty wore off and he headed up to his roof-top where he could watch the “events” from a safe place. It was MORE of Yonah's never-ending “entertainment” and... again, my AMAZEMENT! |
There we have it... and it's 20.57 already. I was pondering washing the jammy-sweats tonight but... no... I bought ONE “Perry's”... vanilla... and I'll have a little of that... since I'm fighting it with meds. and off to the Rack... after posting all of this to the servers. - It was quite a day... dreary, breezy... the snow from Greene made it to the “valley” here. - No word at all from Deborah today. I hope all is well there. Odd... but she has similar stuff going on with her... where the dizziness and such are concerned... She has a cardiac monitor though... I HOPE I don't have to go that route. Though... Ev has one too... I just don't have the time away from YONAH! - Oh... the rent cheque is ready to be posted... Wednesday night... hah hah... Ah... Wednesday... I am NOT looking forward to that day! Though it's supposed to be clear and 5°. (I have to call tomorrow for directions and parking! FUCK !!! - I'M GETTING TIGHT IN THE RIGHT AGAIN! FUCKING S TRESS BULL-SHIT! - 21.08 All posted to servers. - 23.04 FUKMELATE! 6.00 tomorrow's gonna be a GRAND BITCH! (Had ... HAD to look-up the particulars of the “echo”... Had ALL bloody day for that shit! I'm a DOLT!)
Mon.28.Mar: 6.56 Did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. Was still awake at mid-night. And this morning, quite painful in the upper-left “quad”, as I'm sure they'd say. Looked-up the echo last night. Benign enough, but cold take an hour. My anxiety now is “three-plus hours away from Yonah”. It's “banging” on my chest and throat. “Anticipatory”, that's really what it is at this point. -
7.00 woo-Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.... ON THE HOUR! ON THE MARK! TIME TO ROLL! - 8.00 THAT HOUR PASSED QUICKLY! And Yonah is in another “chatty”, conversational mood this morning! - It's -1/-17 out there... just a dusting of last night's snow, mostly on the grass. The furnace is running. (I ought to check the oil for tonight.) - The forecast, I see, is changed, for Wednesday: 3° with chances of “averses de neige fondante”. Well of course it would! And I've certainly got no doubt.. .the “averses” will occur during the 9-10.30 time-slot... drop heavily between then and noon... and then will “averse” from noon to 13.30. - My chest feels as though something in there wants to explode. - And Yonah is “woo-HOO!”ing... - The sweats are on the rack in the shower, the jeans and henley are in the basin on the soak. THAT covers the washing that was to be done. Charming. - I could go for a snooze... and I just might give one a try. Poor Yonah. I'm such a “pffft-nothing” with my “snoozes”. - His Journal is current. This one's rolling along. It's another day... Monday... last 4 days of March... April's next... -
I'm becoming quite rather “frightened” with these pains now. Pace-maker? Ev's got one. Says it's perfectly fine. Deborah's got a “monitor”. Alvin had his arteries “cleaned”. I don't so much mind all of that. It's the time away from Yonah that causes me physical pain! Last night I thought of him, in the house, alone... nobody to tuck-him in properly, caringly, at night, and nobody there to answer him in the morning when he calls. Fresh water in the pool? Opening the door and his freedom in the house? THIS is what's causing me PAIN! Well? Today I'm going to have to get my shit together, find a reliable some-one with a heart to care for him... in case... just in case. Be it for a night, a few nights... or... Short-term AND long-term. I have to face some facts and possibilities here.
I'm also annoyed... I don't believe I'm being told any “truth” about what's being “found” on these “tests” that Demuro is running. All of this “stop the smoking”... and the “you're in good shape for 66”... and I'm feeling HORRIFIC, and he's not willing to listen or to show me any “test results”. Yes, I have “trust issues”, but these are truly getting to me. Oh well... Only “Time” will tell what-ever needs to be known.
Just 15 minutes longer than Yonah... Just 15 minutes longer... NOT BEFORE HIM! I NEED TO KNOW THAT HE'S OK, WELL, PROTECTED, CARED FOR AND ABOUT, CHERISHED... ACTUALLY CHERISHED! I HAVE TO KNOW THIS!
Off to finish the washing and then... Work on the “DNR/LivingWill” today! Ring this place I'm supposed to be at on Wednesday. Deal with the day ahead... -
8.47 I'M MAKING A NOTE OF THIS BECAUSE I WANT IT DOCUMENTED SOME-WHERE BECAUSE I MOST-SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT IT WILL BE TAKEN INTO ANY CONSIDERATION *IF* I EVEN MENTION IT TO THE “DOCTOR”: QUITE A BIT, THOUGH NOT “ALL” OF THE PAIN AND PRESSURE IN MY CHEST SEEMS TO BE SOME-WHAT ALLEVIATED WHEN I HAVE A PROPER BOWEL MOVEMENT IN THE MORNING... OR... EVEN DURING THE DAY, FOR THAT MATTER. NOW I'M TRYING TO MAKE A CONNECTION OF ANY SORT BETWEEN THE TWO. AH... COLONOSCOPY? I WONDER WHAT, IF ANYTHING, THAT WILL REVEAL. AND, I WONDER, WHAT SORT, IF ANY, HONESTY, I CAN EXPECT TO RECEIVE AFTER IT. ODD... BUT THEN AGAIN, DEMURO DISMISSED WHEN I TOLD HIM OF BOB TAYLOR *** AND *** I SAW, SOME-WHERE, IN MY READING, THAT “STAPH” CAN AND WILL INFECT A HEART VALVE AND OTHER PARTS, AND THAT THE BODY WILL NOT RESPOND “NORMALLY” TO IT *** AND *** THAT, ONCE IN THE HEART, IT CAN, DOES AND WILL PENETRATE THE “BRAIN-BLOOD BARRIER”. THAT'S WHAT BARBARA TOLD ME HAPPENED TO BOB. BUT “ROB”, THE “DOCTOR” JUST “POO-POO'ED” IT WHEN I MENTIONED IT. OK. WORRYING TOO MUCH, AM I? OR... WHAT-EVER THE CASE, AT LEAST IT'S HERE, NOTED, ON-LINE, IN THIS OBSCURE JOURNAL.
Now... back to our regularly-scheduled day, already in progress. I want a snooze! And it's BITTER COLD out there! - 16.25 FEELING LIKE SHIT ALL DAY TODAY! REALLY! TIGHT IN THE CHEST. THAT DULL “PRESSURE-PAIN”. SINUSES... JUST FUCKED ALL DAY! - BUT... AT 14.2... WENT TO THE CELLAR TO CHECK THE OIL... IT'S ONLY JUST NOT-QUITE AT A QUARTER! FUCKING SHAME TO GET MORE NOW... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE ANY MORE THAN 1/8TH OF A TANK OR GET MONEY FOR THE OIL THAT'S IN THERE! - Anyway... there it is. And I pissed-away a couple of hours working on a new “DNR/LW”... that I can't print now... imagine that. - COLD ALL DAY TOO! - 19.00 YONAH GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM “SANDER”... (in California) today! - I found out where I'll be going to on Wednesday... or, at least I think I know now. I called. The young lady was a delight, though a bit vague. But that's what happens when people take for granted that you know what they're saying. Anyway, the address I had was completely WRONG so, there's a chance I'll get to where I'm supposed to be... There's a CHANCE I'll even make it to Plattsburgh. (I'm just REALLY nervous about the truck... I don't know why... The worst I think will happen is the exhaust will go and I'll ROAR into town. Oh well... That's all the police need to do: give me all sorts of tickets... as I come out of a “heart test”. Oh well...) - E-mail from Deborah... I'd sent her one this morning to thank for the zucchini bread, mentioned the trip of Wednesday... she offered to drive and said she'd just let Nancy know she'd be later. But it's THREE hours... so... I'm pushing the offer aside. I appreciate it and I'm sure she would but... I can't see her sitting there for an hour... if that's how long it all lasts. - Moving along... the insurance is due in May... and will be a day late again... Too bad for them. I MIGHT-COULD put it aside in April but... I'm scraping as it is. I'll do a 50/50 on that one and hope... HAH! “Hope”. - And, I'm feeling a bit better this evening... Something about eating... I wonder. I had a banana and oatmeal today and it didn't help but “evening meal”... something happens and the heaviness goes away... for a while. - And this morning's washing is now in the living-room at the registre. The jeans and Henley are still REALLY wet, but not dripping. If the furnace keeps running as it has done during the day, (a) the tank will be at the quarter tomorrow and (b) the clothes will be dry. (I ought to do Yonah's futon sheet and pillow cases tonight... and I just might... right after “tuck-in”. - 19.09... time for “Yonah Time”... - I'm tired again... nothing new. Pondering a quick shower... I'll NEED to be quite clean on Wednesday... and then TRULY ABSOLUTELY NEED to shower when I get back after being slathered with that “gel”. ICK! - 22.08 well... ALL the laundry is caught-up. Yonah's site with Journal a today's videos is up. My journal is behind because I got side-tracked doing the futon linens but... I don't care. - Feeling? “Odd”... “off”... but not HORRIFIC (yet). Tired. Nothing new. - Tomorrow night will be Hell... I've no doubt. - -18 or something like that for the chill tonight. Will have to get the truck rolling tomorrow. Don't want to but... there's ethanol in there now.
IT'S GREAT, BEING AFRAID TO GO TO BED AT NIGHT... BETWEEN CONTRACTIONS AND DYING IN SLEEP. WHAT A FUCK !!! I started re-working the “DNR” today. I think I've found a good place to get in touch with for Yonah... should the need present. A group of “Rehabbers”... 8 counties. If I could get to their meetings in Glens Falls... since I have that certificate. Could have gotten the license but missed this exam date. Another coming in August... .I just might... just might. - Time to get to the rack. Brush teeth... rinse with peroxide as I'm doing of late. Endocarditis? Oh... they'll probably send me off saying “You're in GREAT SHAPE.”... again. Or... some bull-shit about some surgery. Oh well... I've a lot to consider: a couple of days away from Yonah for a few more years together? It's NOT going to be easy... But then... - 22.27 off to the rack we go!
Tue.29.Mar: 6.21 I'm up. Dressed. Washing is dry. Woke, feeling rather oddly “fine”. “It's” coming. Thought: “There was something that I'd thought would take me out in April. We're coming into April. I can't remember what it was. That 'granuloma'? 'Water on the heart'. That's what they Dx'ed mother with, at first. How many years was that? Months, I recall. The first was 'scar tissue'. Ah-HAH! 'Granuloma'. And she'd been Dx'ed with 'emphysema' HOW many years prior? OO.... things. Well? Here we go. I have to find a home for Yonah now... Time to get 'dead' serious.”
There we have the opening thoughts to the day. And the furnace has run twice since I woke... not even an hour ago. Oil should be delivered today though. Indeed... Oh well. - Tomorrow? I have to avoid thinking about that today. “What-ever will be, will be.” - 6.52! MORNING CALL !!! woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo! And another day commences... My Heart-and-Soul is up and about! WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO INDEED! - 9.37 ALL OF THE LAUNDRY IS WASHED! THE FUTON COVERS ARE ON THE LINE! (You'd think I was prepping for... and I'm NOT going to say it. -
THE OIL TANK FOR THE FURNACE IS AT... ***** FULL ***** !!!!! 169,2 GALLONS... AND OVER 800$! I NEVER COULD HAVE AFFORDED THIS! NEVER! BUT... THE HOUSE IS TAKEN CARE OF FOR WARMTH NOW... NO MATTER WHAT MAY COME ALONG !!! YONAH WILL BE WARM !!! -
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
12.07 JUST GOT A CALL FROM CVPH... TELLING ME THAT I HAVE TO EITHER BE VAXXED OR TESTED BEFORE THE ECHO. OK... SO “WE USUALLY CALL 3 DAYS BEFORE TO CONFIRM” SO WE HAVE TO RESCHED.” NO ECHO! They “usually” call 3 days before BUT they waited until today? The appointment is for 10.45 tomorrow morning. Now? I'm furious because they're REFUSING to administer medical care based on some “flu virus” AND that they waited until 23 hours before when they “usually” verify... 3 days before. Ah... “UVM”. Vermont strikes again! “Do you want to talk to your doctor about this?” WHAT? The QUNT actually had the audacity to say: “You can get the vaccine and then call us back. Is that something you'd be interested in?” WHAT? Yeah... get a so-called “vaccine” that I don't want my already-taxed body dealing with on top of everything else and THEN having to wait ANOTHER TWO WEEKS? NO! “Maybe you'll want to talk to your doctor about it.” How about FUCK YOU THE FUCK OFF! You wait until the day BEFORE to call me with this shit-show? Well... (subsequently... noting at 21.00 I posted the affair to Twitter... and “CVPH” has an account there with touting all their “charms”. Somebody actually “referenced” “CTV” so CANADA now has the story! And I referenced “Fox News”... not that they'll do anything about it but... I sent word to Deborah to let her know that I'm not going tomorrow. She said “that's terrible. Tell 'Dimuro'.” I said I'm going to wait and see if THEY tell him. Actually, I'm waiting to see if they tell him or he suddenly realises that he's never received a report and calls them for it and THEN we'll see how the story spins. Meanwhile, I've looked... I could go to Albany Med... I have to call them to see what THEIR “policy” is about the situation. Shit! If I MUST, I'll go to Albany... besides... it's just down New Scotland... from... 419 QUAIL! Imagine that! Shame I don't know anybody in Albany any more. But... it's for the best. Now? I'm on the verge of tears... with wonder, aggravation, anxieties and YONAH!
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
21.05 OK... So Yonah's Journal is current. This one is still behind. Other than that bull-shit with the Fuck-up in Plattsburgh... it was a GLORIOUS day! Sunny! WITH YONAH! AND HE TOOK A SWIM! AND WE SNOOZED! AND...
I CALLED THE NORTH COUNTRY WILD CARE !!! The woman who answered was SO helpful with telling me what “License” I need to get. She said I need the State first then the Fed because the Fed is going to want me to have something to back things up! (Sadly, I missed the exam registration date for the test on the 1 April but there's another coming in August so I HAVE TO HANG ON NO MATTER WHAT!) Anyway, she was SO encouraging. The organisation is in need of people and there's a “Rehabber” in, of all places... “Ray Brook”! That's the closest to here so... if I join... I'll be the “local Rehabber” in this area! Imagine that! (Now... to live long enough...) I was quite comforted!
Other-wise, as I say, always, the rest of the day was all about Yonah... and is already on his Journal page WITH A VIDEO of him “following” my foot-steps in the living-room! WHAT A CHARACTER. - AND HE GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM “SANDER” IN CALIFORNIA, WHO SENT ALONG A PHOTO OF HIS LITTLE MOURNING DOVES! SO TOO CUTE! - I'd tossed 2 chicken breasts in the oven today... frozen... so there's chicken for the next 2 nights. Half of one this evening... WITH YONAH... WE DINED TOGETHER AGAIN... with a shit-load of veggies and potatoes. “Clean” eating... not that it's going to help much. - I'm REALLY BURNING ABOUT THIS BULL-SHIT TODAY! BUT... we move along. - Tonight? Well... the pain in the chest isn't too bad... the right shoulder and arm are “annoying” and there's a “heaviness”... but not horrific. If I need “help”... I'll be off to the ER in a flash... and then let THEM explain to the insurance company how I was “dismissed”. And if I show up in ER now... “Dimuro” will get the report and... there we have it. - Now watch somebody show up here tomorrow to give me the lift to Plattsburgh! I'll be out... with my last 15$, for a pack of smoke! FUCK THIS SHIT! - Anyway... the day has closed... there's oil in the tank... and the bloody furnace is running again. I'm on the last “half” smoke in the house, the morning will be “interesting”. Hey! I'm not going to Plattsburgh so... - I'm tired... will have a nosh, a Brit and the rack (let's see how tonight rolls). Was going to shower... for tomorrow... don't have to. YAY me! - AND ALL OF THE WASHING IS DONE AND PUT UP... AND ALL OF YONAH'S LINENS ARE CLEAN! TOMORROW... HOOVER! (The exercise will do me good.) - Yonah's Journal is on the server... this one's going on as it is... ENOUGH! - 21.28 ALL POSTED! - 23.00 on the mark and to the rack.
Wed.30.Mar: 13.24 I have all but wasted another entire day of sun-shine... OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YONAH AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER ALL DAY AND THAT'S NEVER A WASTE OF TIME OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. TO BE ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE! - That said, I am feeling like SHIT... or something rather worse than that. There's been a constant “flutter” in the chest all day and the light-headedness. But this morning, at about 8.00, I was out the door... to Stewart's... to give the truck a nice run (though there's something about the transmission... or the fact that the truck was cold because it ran back smoother than it ran into town). - Anyway.... I woke to the 3 alarms this morning and finally got out of the bed at about the 6.30 hour (since there's really no telling the time with all these clocks at different hours). The “interesting” bit about waking was the “dreamlette” I woke from...:
It was here, in the shit-box, and VERY early in the morning hours... still VERY night-like dark. It had rained through the night and the front was quite wet... and larger than in reality. There were “benches”, 2, 4 of them on the pavement out front and I was on one of them, sitting, waiting for a bus or something. I was supposed to get to work this morning. As I sat there, alone, two people came toward me, both pushing wheel chairs. There was a man pushing a FAT man in one of the wheel chairs and he pushed the wheel chair beside me as I sat. But then a seriously FAT woman of a “certain age” came, pushing a wheel chair in which a woman “of a certain” age sat. The woman in the chair was even FATTER than the one pushing the chair. The woman pushing the chair pushed it right between my legs, completely oblivious to the fact that I was there! Didn't injure me, but just ignored my presence completely, making no comment. I worked my way up and off the bench and moved to another one. Suddenly, there were masses of people, mostly young kids, coming across the road! And I happened to notice that somebody had hung a “tubular” sort of light from the roof of the porch. It wasn't bright, it looked more like “Christmas lights” in a plastic tube... like the tube that tennis balls come it. I was annoyed that somebody would do such a thing, disregarding the fact that it was MY porch. And then, the masses of kids headed toward the back of the house, taking the drive. I wondered if they were heading for a school bus back to there, although I couldn't imagine where a bus would stop along the road behind the house. (It was just like this shit-box... and Simonds Hill, in the dream.) I was REALLY becoming annoyed since I was sitting right there, in front of “my” house (though I rented) and all of these people simply disregarded me, completely. And I was just seriously considering not bothering to go to work either. I got up and walked about the benches and happened to notice that the front door of the house was WIDE OPEN and the lights were on! I wasn't in there and had closed everything before leaving! WHAT? I walked into the house and looked through all the rooms, to see who was in the house and why. Toward the back, there was a sort of “boiler room” and in there, a young fellow with blonde, curly hair, wearing blue/white overalls, no shirt, stood, chatting on a mobile and laughing. I understood that he was there to do some work on the place that really was needed so that was OK, other than the fact that he'd just walked in, un-announced and un-planned. And as I started to talk with him... I woke.
Can't imagine what could have brought that about. - Oddly though, when I woke this morning and got out of the bed, I was feeling quite well... Got right to my normal morning routine, water on and even got dressed right away... Didn't even want a smoke, but was thinking about one anyway... of course. It's the “old routine” and habit at this point. - I hadn't even finished that “first coffee” when... 6.42... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL WAS UP AND AWAKE! The morning rolled right into seeing and being with Yonah! - After all the “morning routine” was done, I grabbed the keys to the truck, headed out. The sun was coming up. The sky was clear, -5° or something of the sort... but not “bitter cold” for a change. - Rolled into town and back and was back before 8.30! That was that. - And since then.. well...
I RANG ALBANY MED TO ASK THEM THEIR POLICY OF PROVIDING SERVICES WITH REGARD TO THE “TESTING” AND SUCH. AH-HAH! I SPOKE WITH 3 WOMEN THIS MORNING AND THEIR POLICY IS THAT THEY PREFER “TESTING” BUT THAT THEY DO NOT DENY PATIENTS ANY SERVICES BASED ON “VACCINATION” !!! SO IT'S CVPH !!! AND NOT A GENERAL THING! NOW... I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SEE ABOUT “CO-ORDINATING” WITH Demuro AND SEEING ABOUT GETTING THE ECHO DONE IN ALBANY. SURE, IT'S ABOUT 2 HOURS AWAY, BUT, ESPECIALLY NOW, WITH FEELING AS SHITTY AS I DO, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT, THE ACTUAL FUCK, IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY! I'M REALLY ACHY LEFT-TO-RIGHT ACROSS THE CHEST TODAY... AND, I'VE JUST BEEN “TASTING” THE FEW DRAGS OF A CIGARETTE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON ALL DAY. IT'S NOT SO MUCH THAT I “CAN'T” INHALE... IT'S JUST “UNCOMFORTABLE” AND MY HEAD SPINS HIGHER. (I'm planning on this being the last pack... for a while... give the “giving-up” another shot... I NEED TO BE HERE FOR YONAH!) BUT... IMAGINE THAT... ALBANY MED DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE PROVIDING HEALTH CARE! THEN AGAIN... THEY'RE NOT “UVM”. SO, “INTERESTING” MOMENTS ARE TO COME. - It's 13.50 now... Given an hour up, and hour for the test and an hour back, I would have only returned about an hour ago... and now I'm waiting to see when (if) I get “the call” from Demuro... “Where were you?” Hey! I'm not playing with them any more... I'll suggest he call CVPH and ask THEM about the “denial of service”. As I say... I'm not playing with them. And when the opportunity presents... I'll tell him that I took it upon myself to check with Albany Med... and see where that gets us. Meanwhile, if I don't feel well tonight or tomorrow... off to the ER and they can handle the rest.
No calls today. No e-mails. It's 24° in Yonah's room. The furnace has run a few times during the day. - I've looked at flat listings in Albany today... most are 4-digits but there are 700-800$ places. I just don't “know” Albany any more, so it makes it a bit difficult. - Oh... Albany Med?... a toddle-and-scoot from 419!!! Like I said to the nice lady on the phone this morning... I could get to see the old house! At least it's not completely “foreign” to me. - So there's a ginger tisane on the steep, radio playing... -
BEFORE I FORGET... THE SHIT-WATER FROM NEXT DOOR CAME *** GUSHING *** UP INTO THE LOO BASIN AT ABOUT 13.30 !!!! REALLY FUCKING NASTY !!! And, sadly, the rent cheque is in the envelope, sealed and stamped... for tonight. Oh well... But THIS NEEDS TO STOP... TO GO! YONAH AND I NEED TO GTAF OUT OF HERE!
13.58... SNOOZE! - 18.48 Took that snooze and I have to say that they really make quite a difference... in the “pain”. I probably could sleep-away a couple of hours but I won't let me do that shit! One thing I AM noticing though... Tonight, that “rasp” in the voice is back. It comes. It goes. It's here tonight. These are the moments that I get to worrying about what's actually happening “in there”. I told Demuro I wanted not less than 5 years. I suppose I'm finishing the first now and heading into the second. But I'd appreciate knowing WTAF is going on here... and, I'll put it here: I DO NOT TRUST DEMURO OR ANY OF THE, AS I'VE CALLED THEM ON TWATS, “QUACKS AND CHARLATANS”. I DO NOT TRUST ANY OF THEM! So... I'm going to check and see if I can't make an appointment, on my own, at Albany Med. for the very echo that insurance has approved. And then see if I can't make the appointment my-self and go to Albany to have it done. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and made even more sick and tired by people who make it obvious that they believe themselves to be “superior” and are NEVER to be questioned... in ANY fashion! - OK... that said, there's more on my “agenda of terror”, I suppose. Still, it's becoming true “chronic pain”... chest, shoulders, neck. It's GOT to be dealt with... NOW! - Had evening meal with Yonah again tonight! WHAT A JOY! Half-breast chicken, veggeis with potato... those “diced, frozen” shit. But still... and a drop of olive oil... pepper and garlic... ketchup. Oh yeah... and Lipitor. No dessert... really. Had the last muffin from Deborah though... no butter. I'll have yoghurt later, before going to the “Rack”. - Other-wise... HEY! I didn't have to travel today... got to spend the whole day with Yonah! The sun shone! We were together and now... 18.55, BOTH Journals just need the daily “close”! NOT BAD. - Ijust wonder what else I could have accomplished. But, I was reading: with endocarditis, “the patient” has to “adjust” to taking rests and naps more often, due to the fatigue. So? That's what I'm doing. Hopefully it'll help. AND, I've been thinking... I had that “Chosodhadfbukaffuk” what-ever it was, or so the quacks at the abattoir said that's what I had, where I “abrased” my ribs, possibly by lifting something or another (the water bucket). THAT MIGHT have been “rubbing” against the outer muscle of the heart and/or lungs and cause some sort of “irritation” or another and the “endocarditis” MIGHT be there (MIGHT) because of that. The fatigue? The heart is working harder because of the “fluid”... I'm looking for excuses... my own comfort. I still need to get this echo done... by “proper professionals”. Tomorrow is Thursday... I can call the insurance... AND I have the ability to “chat” with a doctor or nurse... on-line through Blue Cross! So? ALL hasn't even yet begun. - Well? Darlinks. 19.00... and not a blip from the “clinic”... Let's see what tomorrow brings. - “Windows and curtains and blinds” time... OH TO BE AWAY FROM THIS SHIT TOO! (Albany just might be the answer... I just want some place that will be good for Yonah... That's all...) - “It's out there...” - 19.48 Yonah is tucked-in already... his Journal is coded. I'm at the kitchen table. There's a light rain out-side....
MY SINUSES FEEL PACKED. MY CHEST FEELS AS IF IT'S FULL OF SOME KIND OF “FLUID” BUT I'M NOT “CONGESTED” AND NOT “GURGLING” NOR AM I COUGHING-UP ANYTHING. MY NOSE HAS A “BURNING SENSATION” AND MY HEAD IS JUST A BIT “NOT HERE”. MY UPPER BODY IS “TIGHT”... AND I'M SO DAMNED TIRED! I'D GO TO BED RIGHT AWAY BUT FOR THE CONTRACTIONS AND WAKING TOO DAMNED EARLY IN THE MORNING. STILL... IT'S AS IF THERE'S SOME KIND OF “DUST” IN MY LUNGS AND UP MY THROAT AND INTO MY NOSE. CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. IT ISN'T “PAIN”... JUST *** REALLY **** UNCOMFORTABLE AND TIRING! And nobody knows... but me... And nobody seems to care... but me... And I care only because... of Yonah!
I looked back at March of last year... there are mentions of this “pain” and discomfort, but not much. Contractions and such, yes. A couple of brief passings of “chest”, But, I suppose the point is... it was mentioned last year already. Oh well... Last year in March, I was making plans for Yonah's departure. (This year it's more like mine... fuck. AND LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS ABSOLUTELY UN-KIND. IT'S AS I'VE ALWAYS SAID: FOR THOSE FOR WHOM LIFE IS HELL, LIFE LINGERS BUT FOR THOSE WHO TRULY LOVE AND ENJOY IT... IT'S CLOSED QUICKLY... AND JUST AS IT BECOMES BEST. Last year... I didn't see Yonah as part of my tomorrows... Now? He's ALL OF MY EVERY MOMENT... and... well... I've no doubt there's HORROR waiting... soon. - One thought: I'm supposed to have another CT come April... I wonder if THAT will show anything... because short of me going to Albany, I don't see any sort of serious information coming from the local idiots. - OK... Need to let that go. - Yonah is tucked-in... the house is, thus far, calm. Surely that slob next door will be “attending” to that... who knows, maybe another load of washing to splash into the loo basin for the night. What-ever. - It's interesting, looking at places round Albany now... and all the doctors... 58 PAGES of them... and the map of Albany and Quail St... and remembering... Nobody I knew is there any more... and it's been 30-plus years! Oh my... “Adjustments” are to be made. I'd prefer a nice quiet little place out in the out-of-the-way... but if I can find something nice in a good area... some of the streets look quite lovely! Even Quail... though there was a “local” caught on the Ggl... who raises suspicions. I'll have to learn what the place is like.. maybe when I go for the echo? - OK... 20.00 and time to close the day. - I haven't been taking the naprox because of the “tests” and such... and the colonoscopy but... tonight, I believe I shall. - Now... to post these journals, have some yoghurt... and off to the rack for the night. Tomorrow... is another day... and I'm following the “Nancy Hudson” method:
I WILL BE HERE AND WILL LIVE AS LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!
HEY! SHE WAS MUCH WORSE THAN I AM NOW... EVEN IN COLLEGE DAYS... AND, LAST I HEARD, SHE'S STILL HANGING IN THERE! IF SHE CAN... I CAN TOO!
20.05 Journals posted... - OH... and rent is in the blue box for tomorrow. - 21.57 Yoghurt... peppermint tea... now off to teeth and then to rack. - Still feeling “off”. Not horrid. A touch nauseated... light-headed. And, as usual, terrified of going to bed... and not waking up. But... there's Albany Med... some alternative... a little bit of hope.
Thu.31.Mar: (8.30 catching-up here...)
managed to get to the rack and actually to sleep quite shortly after putting head to pillow last night. Imagine that... But... the night went along the lines of: Up at 1.30... just up and awake, no reason. Then again at about 3.30. No reason again, but as I turned in the bed, a left leg contraction that I managed to get rid of by laying flat on my back and shifting my hips. Back to sleep until about 4.30 when the same thing happened. But there was something REALLY ODD... my sinuses seemed to be draining. I mean... they were FULL of mucous! I HAD to get up and blow my nose and there were tiny traces of blood but nothing “serious”. And massive quantities, all from the sinuses, and a “clot” that went down the back of my throat that I ended-up just swallowing. I had a “hot flash” and it all cleared and I fell back to sleep. No “pain”. Not even slight discomfort. Just all that mucous! That done and passed... I heard all the alarms this morning, and, as I do, turned them off, and after the last (“6.30”) dozed, as I do... and there was... the
DREAM...
I woke, under a “blanket of sod” on the front lawn of a house on what resembled Bruce Street... next door to the Y's place. It wasn't actually, but it resembled it quite a lot. It was early morning. Just before day-break. So it was another one of those “dark” dreams”... grey... I knew where I was but I couldn't remember where I lived, other than the building. Couldn't remember the apartment number. And I had NO idea why I was there. The home owners came out and saw me there, where “annoyed” but not angry, and, for the most part, just ignored me. - I don't know how I got to the building where I supposedly lived... it was more in a “city” than the suburb where I was but... the next thing I recall is being in the building. Very nice, “posh”, contemporary. It was more a building with apartments and a convention centre sort of affair. Carpeted common halls, large, wide, bright, with nice chairs along the way. And I was in one of those chairs. I was “dressed” in blue scrubs, no shoes, no kippa (I was aware of the kippa for some reason... worried that people would see that and I'd be “judged poorly” because of it... never mind the scrubs and no shoes). - As I sat in the chair, people passed. But I couldn't remember my apartment number, I had no keys with, nor any ID. Nothing... Couldn't remember how I'd gotten to that front lawn, why I was under a blanket of “front lawn sod”, or how I'd gotten to the building I was in! I wasn't even certain that that was the building I actually lived in... never mind, not being able to remember the apartment number! - I kept thinking I lived in flat “2G” but that didn't, some-how seem right because I was sure I lived on a higher floor. Could it be 3G? 6G? (And in retrospect... I have to wonder why “G”? That was the cell-block in Monroe... My first flat in Kingsbridge was 6G. Zur's place was 18G. What is is about the letter “G”? (Looked it up on-line: something to so with “knowledge” and “God” and such...) OK.. moving along... I got up from the chair and walked down the hall-way to apartment 2G... The apartments were more like office spaces, glass walls to the hall-way and on the outer side as well so that you could see through from front to the out-side of the building. Even the door was glass. The “living rooms”... bed, bath, &c. were off to the sides, down hall-ways. But when I got to 2G, it was completely furnished with unfamiliar furnishings and there was a young woman and her daughter already living there. I asked how long they'd been there and she said “Not very long.” I wondered if I'd been thrown out and replaced or never lived there in the first place. Anyway, I that wasn't my flat so I went back to the chair where I'd been and as I sat in it, I discovered a chain... it was the chain that I'd kept all of my keys on! There were several still attached but... there was no “house key”, so I still had no idea where I lived and the only “truck” key was the one for the glove-box! The ignition key and fob were gone! Now... now house key, no truck key, but somebody had left that chain there, in the cushions of that chair. How? Why? I was so confused, not knowing why I was in scrubs, didn't have any shoes on, I was worried because I couldn't remember my apartment number. Didn't know why people seemed to be angry with me. - As I sat there, some maintenance guys came along the hall-way and I thought they were coming to throw me out, but they appeared “disgusted” to see me there, in the hall-way. I thought I was in the right building or they'd have throw me out but why were they disgusted to see me? I got up from the chair, started to wander about, trying to remember what apartment I should be in. Thought that if I got to the right place, the right floor in the building, I 'd recognise the flat and maybe I could get back in. I knew I couldn't ask maintenance because they wouldn't speak to me. And for some reason, I was self-conscious because of being in scrubs... and no kippa! - Walked along the hall-way and round a corner into something like a bit of a hall-way to the admin. offices. The floor wasn't carpted and the walls were painted that “blue-grey”. I noticed a skinny, curly-haired woman in a door-way, heading into one of the offices. She looked at me, quite as disgusted as the rest of the people I'd encountered thus far, and in the most humiliating tone she said:
“Well, how are we today? Look at us. Usually so high and mighty with our lap-top, looking down on everybody else, so important, so much better than everybody else. But we don't have our lap-top today, do we? No. Not after last night. How the drunk can fall...”
When she said that I KNEW that she KNEW what had happened and could help me put it all together. She KNEW who I am, where I lived, what had happened, and maybe she could tell me why I couldn't remember anything! I fell to my knees and sobbed “YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? DRUNK? I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT? YOU KNOW? I CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT! I CAN'T REMEMBER SO MUCH! PLEASE... WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF ANYTHING! NOTHING! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER MY OWN APARTMENT NUMBER! THE KEYS! DID YOU TAKE THE KEYS OFF THE CHAIN? THE APARTMENT KEY, THE TRUCK KEY? PLEASE... TELL ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID!”
She appeared to be sympathetic and believed me but she went into her office and said “Come back in a little while.” - At that moment, a crowd of people came through. Trump was with them. I wanted to go apologise to him for all the years that I'd so hated him. I made my way over to him... still in my scrubs and such, and called to slow him down. Managed to get to him and say: “I've wanted to tell you this for a long time, but I owe you an apology.”
“Why? Who are you?” he asked... kindly. “We sort of grew up together in The City and I just thought so poorly of you. I was wrong and want to apologise.” He replied, kindly “Oh, those were some years then. We all did things. But things are different today. Forget it.”... and...
I woke... the clock on the wall read 6.39! I HAD to get up and get things together! Yonah would be up soon! - AND... I'd put the kettle on. coffee in the press, was just about to go to the loo when...
“woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”.... When I got the lap-top up and running, that clock read “6.33” (of course, because the alarm clock... self-setting, as it is... is fast... and I'll never know why or how... but then again, the “self-setting” clock that used to be on the front porch could never keep the right time... there's something about this New Russia... or this house... I'd say it's the house. Anyway... 6.33... MY LITTLE GUY WAS UP AND AWAKE! ALL ELSE CAME TO A GRINDING HALT! WINDOWS AND DOORS AND WATERS AWAITED... AND I GOT RIGHT TO THAT... as I made morning coffee... and grabbed a quick “loo visit”. - 7.34 the chest pains are coming.... from waking at 6.30-ish until now... all OK... had coffee... 1xC 1xbiotine... coffee... Halfie that I didn't inhale... almost can't again... and a BANG on the right and now we're back to the constant throb on the left.. “stiffness” right shoulder/breast.
8.18 WOOZY! AND ALL I'M GOING TO SAY IS: THIS CANNOT BE SERIOUS !!! ALL THESE YEARS... THESE 67 YEARS, WITH JUST ABOUT NOTHING TO ACTUALLY “LIVE” FOR OR ABOUT... AND NOW... IN THIS PAST 18 MONTHS... I HAVE THIS LITTLE GUY, THIS MOURNING DOVE, THIS LITTLE LIFE, THIS LITTLE LOVE... AND NOW? NOW!!!!????? AND THERE'S NOBODY WHO GIVES A SHIT! WOW! AM I ALONE! AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M MORE FRIGHTENED THAN ANGRY OR MORE ANGRY THAN FRIGHTENED. But I'm here, at the work table, and Yonah is in the orange tree and... I just don't know... But hey! There's the “tele-MD” with the insurance. And I'm going to see if I can't arrange for the echo at Albany Med... and then figure how I'm going to drive 2 hours to get there... in the truck. But... it's GOT to be done... THINGS NEED TO BE FOUND... and I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE! Meanwhile, the pain in the shoulders... right side this morning, and the “sinuses” is really draining me. It's a “bad day”... I wonder... Opa's death, Cynthia's birth... strange sort of day. (I think Schmulik's birthday too... or something.) Anyway... just having another “hot flash”... I see the ER at some point today... WTF?
9.40 Caught-up as much as I'll be. The PAIN in the chest and throat is still BAD! I took a 30-minute “lie-down”... never actually got any “sleep”. Felt a little bit better when I got up from that... but only for all of 5 minutes. I'm going to get to Yonah's Journal now and then give a call to Blue Cross about this. See what they have to say and if I can make an appointment for that echo. It's approved... they didn't say “where”... so... If I have to get to Albany... so be it. The 2-hour drive is concerning but... - 10.19 I'm SO fucking “off in the ether” this morning! PAIN too... not unbearable... but just constant... pressure-like pain, head-ache too. Sinuses. A bit of “productive” coughing but no “rattling”, no “congestion”... just pain and discomfort. And transient “blue nail-beds”.... I'm seriously thinking of getting into the shower, cleaning me up a bit... and heading into the ER this after-noon... if I can hold that long. - Meanwhile... I'm going to contact insurance about the “echo”... and maybe I can get my current situation mentioned... “Squeaky wheel” and such... (But the chest pain is getting “sharper” and in the shoulders...) OH JUST JOLLY FUCK ME! AND NOTHING BUT APATHETIC QUACKS TO TURN TO FOR HELP. WELL? LET'S JUST SEE... - But I'm posting this to the servers... I want it on-line and not just on the lap-top... - 10.29 ALL POSTED! The sun is behind the clouds. Yonah's in the orange tree... I'm feeling like SHIT! mixed with HELL! - 12.25 Can't believe that it isn't even 13.00.... and I've just Hoovered after being on the line with “Maria” at BCBC... who is too, non-vax, for the same reasons I have. Comforting. And a “grievance” has been filed against CVPH... BUT... the only way I can get the echo is via MD... and if Demuro won't get it done, and I want it at Albany Med and he won't, I have to change “PCP”. Jolly! I fucking HATE “health care”. Anyway... at least we're rolling and I can hardly wait for the back-lash. - Meanwhile... the pain in the chest is “spread out” across, just as “there” as it ever was, and my nose is dripping and I'm TIRED (again). And... it's raining and I'm having a “ginger tisane” and pondering a trip to the ER. But, as things are going now, I might wait until this evening because I'm sure I'm looking at either 20 minutes (you're fine, it's vertigo, get out) or 4-5 hours! Better to have the 4-5 hours after Yonah's been tucked-in (though I don't cherish driving in the dark... with these old eyes). We shall see... If I can hold... tomorrow? After “morning routine”? - OK then... today... Opa died in '68... we'd only just moved to Meadow Hill.... Cynthia is/would be 50! IMPOSSIBLE! Time.... LIFE... I've come to despise both of late. - And, as for the rest of the day? Not sure... will see... at least I'm not “smoking”? For all the good that's going to do at this point. - 14.14 ANOTHER 30-minute snooze... they seem to help with the pain... not much, not really “remarkable” but a bit, a touch, a little. That and the ginger tisane. But I'm still in PAIN across the upper chest. Oh well... - Deborah rang. A Little One in distress there. She picked it up and put it in the feeder and as we were talking, it flew away! She was so happy... Me too. I was going to go down to see though. The “exercise” might help? I don't know. Of course, driving? Not the best way to find out. - Still waiting to “hear” from the “doctor”... I wonder how long it will take... but, if this pain isn't gone tomorrow morning... I'm off to Emergency... and if anything “untoward” comes of the ER visits... well... the complaint has been filed with BC. - 20.32 I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT... AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE PAINS AND PRESSURE OF THE DAY SEEM TO DISAPPEAR! I MEAN, SO MUCH SO THAT, ALL DAY, WHERE SMOKES WERE CONCERNED, I ACTUALLY COULDN'T INHALE IF I'D WANTED TO (WHICH I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE AND IT'S BEEN FOR THE “TASTE” ONLY ALL DAY... AND ONE OF THESE DAYS... WELL... I'M FIGURING I'VE BOUGHT MY LAST PACK... AT LEAST FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS ANYWAY... LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE FUCK WITH ME...) ANYWAY... THE PAIN AND PRESSURE AREN'T “GONE” BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY TOLERABLE NOW... AND THE DAY IS OVER! FUCK ME, REALLY. And I'm having another naprox tonight to see what it does... after all that “mucous” last night... maybe it might help... with something. AND... since it doesn't appear that I'll be having any “procedures” for a while... I don't have to worry about “bleeding” so... - Looked-up hospitals that aren't “UVM” up this way... ONE... “Saranac Lake”! So? So... for new housing, we'll be focusing on that destination. Off we go... INTO the Adirondacks! Hopefully we'll find something not in centre-city up that way and I can find another MD and get some services from a REAL hospital! (Meanwhile, my battle on Twats with CVPH continues... the more info I find against, the more I post. They'll rue the day...) - Yonah has been tucked-in from since 20.00. His Journal for March is complete. I can't believe that March is done! Tomorrow? Well... 1983... Oma's yahrtzeit And the beginning of the 2nd quarter of 2022 already! JEEZUS! SOMEBODY HOLD THE DAMNED CLOCKS! It's as I eluded in Yonah's Journal...
All those years of my life-time when I really had nothing, in particular, to live for... prayed that each night would be my last... and coming here... “to die”... and NOW... NOW... DAMNIT, WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING PRECIOUS TO LIVE FOR, TO “BE” FOR... NOW... “CREATION”, “LIFE”, “FATE”, “KARMA”... THE FUCKERY AND BULL-SHIT COME SLAMMING OUT OF THE BLUE! IT IS EXACTLY AS I'VE THOUGHT ALL ALONG:
THIS IS JUST PURE EVIL... AND AS MOTHER SAID: THERE IS NO HEAVEN OR HELL AFTER THIS... THIS IS HELL... AFTER THIS... ONLY PEACE. ME? I SAY THE HELL IS AT THE END, WHEN WE'RE RIPPED FROM WHAT-EVER LITTLE WE HAD TO LOVE... WELL... I'LL BE FIGHTING... FOR NOTHING LESS THAT 15 MINUTES LONGER THAN YONAH HAS... AND FIGHTING... AS NASTY AS NECESSARY! THAT'S THAT!
So the house is calm, I've had my naprox. Time for a little nosh and off to the rack. I NEED to get up before Yonah... and if he's getting up before 6.00... well... no more “snooze” on the morning alarms! So I'll post this much to the servers... get my nosh... close it all... and then finish tomorrow morning... As I say, Yonah's pages are ready for April... and HIS SITE is more important than this one! To be sure. -