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Fri.1.Nov: 8.32 I was OK until I looked at the date. And now? Well, it’s 17 degrees winds at 49k/h and the date reminds me: No job; no income, no hopes, no support for l’Atelier… nothing, nothing and more than that? NOTHING.
It’s time to check out of this shit… time to GO… HOME! Really. I’ve been making excuses to linger and the excuses are finished. Besides, it won’t make any difference to anybody at this point. And maybe somebody worthy of this nice house, this little Home, these great people will come along. But if I don’t get out of the way, that won’t happen. I’ve worked a lot here. I brought the place “back” nicely. My “work” here, my “sojourn” is complete. Time to move along… – 19.42 Well… the day is gone and so is… It was terribly warm today. Amazingly so. The sun came through intermittently and when it did, it was HOT! I took advantage and brought the burlap Halloween figures to the back of the barn and disassembled them, hung the bags on a wire to be pounded by the wind and perhaps rinsed by any coming rains. Also brought the old wheel barrow into the barn. That old wood won’t take much of a beating in the cold that’s coming back. Only a few hours in the barn today. Not much in the mood. – On the brighter side, I rang the Franklin Rehab. I’m in for the coming Open House on the 12th! And the hours of training coincide with Bob’s work hours! Imagine that! He can drop me in the morning and fetch me at the end of the day. And the training is PAID! A job! Now, if only I can clear the back-ground checks… and that’s enough to give a nervous break-down… thanks to the shit-head, Diane Olsen. But, that’s something to put to the side and not think about until the time comes… and it probably will. However, at the rate things are now going, I won’t be here for that moment anyway. – Lyle’s been really down of late. Quite frankly? Me too. – Food Stamps got cut back to 191$/month. I read up on it. Across the board. The entire country! (There are 12 photos on Twitter tonight, combinations of the US flag and photos of concentration camps. I’m at the end of my wits and my humour and all the rest. No more keeping that shit inside. I’m keeping other things in, but that just kicks it all.) – Just went down for a smoke and Randy’s in the kitchen, eating a sub… “In the bag” after 11 shots already! Something called “Fire Water”… high proof booze. How nice for him. Bob’s just being quiet. Lyle’s been in bed, asleep from since about 16.30 or so. It’s a beautiful day in the neighbourhood indeed. –
MEANWHILE…
STORAGE IS NOW 243$ AND UP FOR AUCTION! ACCORDING TO THE CALENDAR I SAW ON-LINE, 10 DAYS FROM NOW IT WILL ALL BE GONE! AND NOTHING IN THE WAY OF SAVING ANY OF IT! I’M CHECKING OUT! TOMORROW, A TRIP TO RICHFORD FOR SOME SMOKES AND THEN MY THINGS IN THE HOUSE GO TO THE BARN. I’M FINISHED. DONE. THE JOB PROSPECT? TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
It’s going for 20.00. I’ve eaten nothing but Tootsie Rolls all day and that’s going to be the extent of it. I’ll grab a quick shower to get rid of the nasty from the burlap work today and go to bed. Tomorrow is supposed to return the weather to the Autumnal temperatures so the trip to Richford should be quite chilling… especially with nothing to eat all day today. But you know? May it make the “departure” all the easier. I just can’t care any longer. It’s done. – My insides are trembling right now. I’ve come from one smoke and will go for another and then to the shower and then to bed. Finished. –
I’d like to leave this entry with an expression of my eternal gratitude to all those who, over the years, have told me they were my “friends”. Those very same people who, when my situations became tough, disappeared. Those very same people who are not here today. All of them… over the entire course of my life-time. Thank you so very much. I pity any other people you call “friend”. You don’t have the slightest idea what the term actually means. I take your memories with me when I leave. Not that you give a shit.
Sat.2.Nov: 0.21 9 days until NOTHING. – Showered. Just getting into bed. I had 2 slices of pizza and a huge helping of Bob’s cake tonight. Funny… Bob mentioned to Lyle that “we” didn’t have any supper. He quickly added that Randy had eaten but that “we” hadn’t. And that I was “sitting there wasting away”. So a pizza went into the oven. When it was done, Bob brought his out, mentioned that the pizza was “in there”. Lyle brought me the 2 slices. I took my time eating them so as to stretch it out and hoping that eating slowly would kill my hunger. It seems to have worked… that and the cake. Well, I’ve eaten. – 12 degrees now but 6 for the max for the day, with some rain. I have a sink FULL of dishes to get done before John’s arrival at about 11.00. And the front yard is FULL of leaves! I’d like to give the lawn one more mowing as well. I want to leave this place as neat as possible. Sunday’s max will be 3 degrees with sun. A bit on the cold side so there’ll probably be more walking than bike riding into Richford. Oh well, not many more of those trips to come and then… pinacle. I’m actually looking forward to the peace of that. – A little browsing and off to … trying for some kind of rest. – Heart-sick tonight. Just heart-sick. – Too little… too late. – Too busy. Too angry. Too fed-the-bloody-fuck up. Too tired of all the bull-shit. – 7.26 The iHome played all through the night. Francis Cabrel. Fitful. Fitful sleep. Soaking, drenching sweat. Night sweats. And this morning, rain. And Francis Cabrel keeps singing. I have dishes to wash, leaves to rake and a road-trip… I have a road-trip… a rather long road trip… maybe, if it’s too cold to bike, maybe… le Pinacle today. If not today, tomorrow. To go HOME. – Randy, went to bed at about 22.30, after kicking back 11 shots last night, is awake, taking meds. (I recall Lyle having said “With all that metal he has in his body, I worry about him getting too cold this Winter.”) I’m not the only one awake in the house… for now. Soon, they’ll all be back to sleep again. I have dishes to wash, leaves to rake and a road-trip… I have… a road-trip. – 12.11 OK! Dishes got washed. The front of the house is raked… no more leaves all over the place. Tools put back. John’s here. Lyle gave him a piece of the “kitty litter” cake and commented “Jude’s been putting it right though him.” I know it wasn’t meant as anything in particular, but I can’t help but think: I don’t sit around all day watching TV and I don’t take food unless it’s offered… once daily. Yes, I put it right through me. Hey! I washed “your” dishes this morning and swept “your” kitchen (since I don’t use the dishes, save when invited to eat, and I don’t use the kitchen, save when invited to dine with). Oh well. – John hasn’t been here but maybe 30 minutes or so and I walk in the back door and his first comment: “You got a job.” Honestly? None of any-body’s fucking business what I do. For most waking hours, I’m not around any-where. But, my business MUST be broadcast. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just too sensitive. But I’ve never liked anything about my existence being broadcast unless I’m the one doing the broadcasting. Besides, “Life” has proven to me that when others know MY business, it does ME absolutely NO good at all. ESPECIALLY when I’m in some dire straits… THEN they ALL RUN LIKE HOLY HELL BROKEN LOOSE… AWAY! So… anything and everything is none of any-body’s fucking business. (I have this Journal where I keep my records. If any-body’s interested, read this and unless you’re doing something to make things even a little better… FUCK THE FUCK OFF! GTF2H. – I itch all over now. But the “work” is done and the house/yard looks clean. The kitchen is clean and I’m in the room. – 24.04 It is officially the 3rd November and officially, in 8 days I will have nothing left of my entire life-time. No art work to be sold, no manuscripts to be published, no comforters or jackets or boots for the coming Winter. Everything will be gone. Everything. Done. Gone. Finished. No sense in hanging around any longer. Just none. In the morning, I’ll head out, get the few things that will make my few days as comfortable as possible. And my work here, in Franklin, is done… as is my work in VT. I’d have needed my scrubs for the new job on the 12th. They’re in storage and will be gone the day before I should have started work. Funny, but right down to the last minute, everything follows suit through my life: just too late by mere moments. It makes me wonder about “Destiny”. It appears there really is something to it after all. Well, now I get to see whether or not there really is a “next step” in existence. I can only say that I hope NOT. I do NOT want to have to go through ANY of this again. Let this be the end. I will be HOME… at last. – I got hornswaggled into a trip into St. Albans with Lyle this evening. We went to Hannaford! Imagine? I could have gotten my coffee there, had I brought my card. He told me he was going to a Chinese take-away so I didn’t bring the card. Fate? Destiny? What-the-fuck-ever. It was cold, drizzly and my back has been all but killing me all day! The cold and damp alway kicks me in the arse and today was no exception, especially after cleaning the front yard. But I don’t want to be perceived as “whining” which is how it’s always misconstrued when I mention my pains. I;m tired, fed-up with that shit too. Meanwhile, we had wonton soup (I took but a bit), chicken fried rice and curried chicken for dinner. After which, I went next door, got a pack of smokes, PopTarts and 2 Ramen noodles. Just to have. (I’m about through the PopTarts already… eating to put some calories in this body for the trips in the morning.) After dinner, 2 movies Lyle rented. I sat with all and watched tonight. – Bob is rather “down” with back pain. Imagine? He gets a back rub with something to help, lays on the floor, &c. Me? My back feels as if there are steel bands wrapped tightly round the muscles and nerves, every movement is a “twinge”, but nobody knows… because I don’t “whine”. Well, it makes the end of the next few days that much easier to decide and to deal with. Oh well. As with everything else in all of Creation: ultimately, nothing makes any difference one way or another. I don’t know, maybe someday somebody will read all this shit and know. Will it matter? No. But it will be here. Maybe those shits who easily call themselves “friends” will learn just how full of shit they truly are and maybe that will make a difference to somebody else. – For now, I need to post this, put out the light and try for some sleep. Tomorrow’s high temperature is supposed to be only 4. It’s going to be a cold trip. I’m not decided where I’ll go: Enosburg for coffee, Richford for smokes, or both. At any rate, Lyle will be going to St. Albans to return videos and probably see his dad. Bob may or may not stay at the house. And no matter… I’ll be on the road, with or with-out a bike. If it’s too cold, the bike will be of no use to me because I have no gloves and coasting along in a shirt and sweat-shirt will be too cold. Better to walk it. Should take all day. But I’m in no particular rush… any longer.
November 2013 - Richford Christmas Cactus: Franklin
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In November 2012, I brought this little plant home, to Richford, from the Hannaford’s in Enosburg. It was pretty, but had no buds nor blooms and at the time, I doubted it ever would. In April, 2013, it got packed into a plastic bag with other plants and put into a tote, tossed into a van and driven 12 hours to NYC where it remained in the plastic bag and tote, on a living-room floor for about a week. It was then hauled, via city bus, to Bed-Stuy where it was placed on a rack, by a window, in a dark living-room. There, it stayed for approximately 4 days… in the dark. The poor, abused plant then got re-packed into the same plastic bag and tote and again, via city bus, got hauled to Flushing where, for approximately 2 months, it sat on a kitchen window sill, attacked by cats and roaches. In June 2013, it got put back into the original plastic bag and tote, brought, via city bus, to a storage room where, for almost 48 hours, it remained, in the dark until it was brought back to the North Country and placed on an Eastern window sill in a room that was hot during the Summer months and now, as Winter approaches, a room that seldom reaches temperatures much above the out-side chill. Yet, as my internal darkness grows heavier and more oppressive with each passing moment, in wakefulness and in sleep… this is a Journal of the Life that springs from this abused bit of Life and Nature.
Sun.3.Nov: 21.29 There’s really nothing to say about today. I didn’t make the trips I’d planned because, well, it was just too damned COLD to be quite honest. Not too cold to walk, but I have no cold weather coat and no gloves. So I couldn’t take the bike and hitching would have been total Hell. And I refuse to live my last few days on this fucking planet suffering from any kind of pain. – Apparently, late last night, Randy’s family came to fetch him to bring him into BTV. His other dog died and they wanted Randy to be there. Of course, they also brought the dog, already dead, to a vet and they wanted Randy to pay the 130$ fee for pronouncing the dog… dead. As I’m to learn, they also charged Randy 50$ for coming to fetch him! What a bunch of fuck-arse fuck-tards! Sounds too much like my own blood relatives! Imagine that! – Anyway, I wasn’t invited to go along for the trip. As a matter of fact, Bob announced that he and Lyle were going and simply… left. I had the house alone today… all day. – Got working on the web-presence for the l’atelier AND a few more paragraphs on the “Max” book! Hey! If it gets published, it will be my reply to the review and my response to having been tossed out. I’m looking toward a short story with this one. No time for the full-length novel. Hey! Brokeback Mountain made a film! Short story. – “Shadow” came into the room this evening before everyone got back. She’s amazing. Nothing short of a miracle. She’s so loved here. I can honestly say that I’m happy that I told Bob about her and that he brought her in. She’s adorable. She curled under my chin and purred! (And I do recall: my deal was… my life for hers. She’s alive and well.) – When the crew got back in this evening, I was offered the left-overs from last night. They’d gone to Moe’s. Fine. I knew they’d eat some-where so I went to the market and got “Potted Meat” for 1$, some rolls, frosting. The potted meat is DISGUSTING! SALT! But then again, my blood sugar levels are so high that my urine is LOADED with it! I can tell by sight and odour on that one. So the salt? Who cares, really? No I. So I haven’t eaten. Oh, I got a tin of Progresso soup as well. I can’t heat it, but I can eat it. (Homeless days again.) I may, before heading to bed tonight. I’ll need the energy… tomorrow morning… when I MUST get coffee… there’s a 45km walk… if I don’t go the rest of the way to Richford as well. – So, there we have it. – Tonight’s temperatures expected to drop to about minus 8. Frosty. Tomorrow’s high, plus 2. Frosty indeed. – 8 days and all will be GONE. I need to thank all of my “friends” for being with me these days. Right. Colour be “Fuck-tard”.
Mon.4.Nov: 22.09 In bed. Showered at long last. And what can I say about this day? Nothing, yet again. Miserable actually. Just miserable. The sun shone but the air for most of the day was bitter. I wanted, so much, to head into Enosburg, but I have no gloves and I know my hands won’t take the cold. Neither will my back at this point. I rand out of coffee and had to break down and go next door and pay that outrageous price for some shit in a plastic jar. I didn’t eat, to speak of, all day, save a few hamburger rolls and the one bowl of chili at dinner. And the only reason I ate that was to avoid having to say that I didn’t want to join at dinner. I did tie 2 hangers for the plants in the living-room down-stairs. I expected to crochet more on the afghan, but you know? I just don’t fucking give a shit any more. I really and truly and honestly don’t. I’m in a melt-down. Since there’s only 7 days before storage goes to auction, I’m just going to bring my body to the point where there won’t be any resistance when I head HOME. I even changed my little “screen name” on Twitter tonight: Johnny Marre… with a link to the translation page for those morons who can’t understand the pun (in French). I have no patience for that/them either at this point. No. There’s no sense in continuing this shit. I’ve asked, in all sincerity, for help for me. Got nothing. I’ve asked, in all sincerity, for help for the little business I’d hoped for. Got nothing again. People will fall all over themselves to send money to some shit who claims to be saving the world. They’ll buy into that bull-shit. But something true and tangible? They sit on their fat, funky arses and wallow in apathy. Fuck them all. This world just isn’t worth the effort. I’ve tried all my life to do what’s kind and beneficial to others. Even when it hurt me terribly. Even Schmulik noticed that. But when it comes to getting the slightest bit of aid for me when I truly and honestly need… I don’t even get shit. It’s not worth the effort. Plan? Coffee, cigarettes. I have the vodka (infused with night-shade). That’s all I want and need right now. The weather is supposed to turn only the slightest bit better in the next couple of days and I know the way to where I want to be. When I get there, I’ll know exactly where I’ll be comfortable. Attached to “things”… art, writing, momentos, memoires… they’ll mean nothing to anybody else. And there’s a barn here, with a chest full of the same things that meant something to some-one. And now they’re left in that barn and nobody here, save for me, even gives a shit about them. So you see? We hold on to what means something to us until the time comes and we leave… and we leave all that here, behind, and we leave with what we came into this world with: nothing. And what we leave behind means nothing to anybody else. It rots, just as the memory of us rots. I’m not sad, nor depressed. Fed-up… just fucking bloody well fed right the fuck up. And enough is more than too much at this point. We come into this world alone… we live alone, in spite of all the people we meet along the way, and when we leave… we leave… alone. It’s the same for us all. – 22.24 and all in the house have gone to bed. Imagine that. Time to clear my mind and put out the light. – OH! BUT THE CHRISTMAS CACTUS IS BLOOMING LIKE INSANITY!!! IT’S BEAUTIFUL! AT LEAST I’VE LIVED TO SEE THAT HAPPEN! THE POOR THING HAS BEEN THROUGH HELL… AND BACK. FROM ENOSBURG TO RICHFORD TO NYC TO FRANKLIN. IT’S BACK HOME… AND I TOO, AM GOING HOME… BLOOMING WITH JOY AS WELL… BECAUSE *THIS* TIME, I’M NOT EVER GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN.
Tue.5.Nov: 9.38
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And I woke at 6.00! Where the fuck did the morning go? – Tue.5.Nov: 21.34 I woke this morning at 6.00 and checked the on-line shit as usual until it was time to get up and moving about. BUT… at one point, I found myself waking from a deep sleep and it was suddenly 9.00! I have no idea how long I was “out” for but it was a complete “black-out”. OK… I wonder what the fuck that was all about. – Went down-stairs and potted the bits of the Christmas cactus that had broken off the large one in the living-room when it fell from the window. Couldn’t find a place to hang it (in the hanger I’d tied) so it ended up in the North window in “my” room for the time being. No telling if or how long it’ll remain there. But it’s potted and out of the way now. – This morning, I actually had a chat with Randy about various things and topics and such. I don’t know why he’s talking with me of late. He didn’t seem to want to up until now. After that one night back in Burlington, he seems happier to be here than there. Anyway, we talked about different things including some politics and the coming cold weather. He too has nothing for the cold weather. But his things are in BTV… not NYC. I also got to mention the waste of food and the fact that I eat only when invited. I wonder if that will get around the house now. Makes no difference, really. – Bob left work early today… was back at the house y about 13.30 and me? I was determined to get to Hannaford’d no matter what. The weather was good, albeit chilly. Lyle and Randy took off in the car, heading for Costco (in Winooski, I believe) at about 14.30 and I left, on the bike, shortly after they left. (I filled the tyres with air today and yes, it made the world of difference in the ride.) – WELL! Imagine this: I was back at the house by 17.00! Got to Hannaford’s, got 2 jars of coffee, 2 boxes of chocolate PopTarts (at only 2,29 each) and box of instant oatmeal (at 1,99) and took a moment to have a smoke. Got right back on the road and even with all the walking that has to be done on the return trip, I made the whole journey in just about 2,5hrs! HEY! AND… with all the pedalling up the hills and such? I actually broke a sweat a couple of times! And my hands held out very well too! SO! From now on (as if there will be a “now on”)… no more next door market! – When I got back to the house, I didn’t know that Bob was at home (and I’d planned on eating the oatmeal… hot… oh well… Food and I never seem to have the time for pleasantries). He was in the back yard and we got talking. He and Lyle are having the most miserable time with the new “health care” shit that our dictator has initiated. And they both rely on medications that they won’t be getting or may end up having to pay dearly for. This country is more than enough to make one truly need to vomit shit. I feel terrible for both of them. As always, I wish there was something I could do to help out… I wish I could afford to pay the bloody rent at this point! Life. It’s truly not worth the effort. – We talked about my storage situation. I don’t know that it will make any difference, but as I thought later tonight: If help comes, I’ll have to get to the job and work and pay the kindness. I’m a bit unsettled at that prospect. After all… I’m already all ready to go HOME… soon! – Well, Lyle and Randy returned at about 18.00… having spent… 600$! in groceries. Bulk items at less per item but.. 16 razors at 45$! I almost died! The cost of just getting things that we’re expected to have these days is all but incredible! I wasn’t feeling so well to begin with, haven’t been in a few days, but that! Yes, this world is beyond any semblance of sanity. – This evening though, I got a total shock: Bob came up to the room to talk about my storage situation… and he offered to HELP! HELP! Imagine? HELP! Nobody’s putting a bloody thing into the Atelier, nobody ever even tried to help with anything when I asked… all those arse-heads on Twitter with their “Look what we’ve done for…” and not a thing. Fuckers, all. But Bob… It’s the way it works in the world: those who CAN, WON’T, and those who can’t are the first to come forward. it reminds me so much of the Shelter days: the Homeless will help the Homeless whilst the rest of the world tries its best to keep the Homeless Homeless and feeling like their shit. So Bob did say that he’ll help… didn’t say when or how, but said he’d talk to them. But he never asked for the information. So? I’ve a feeling that this too shall pass. I know better than to put Hope into anything. And, believe it or not, Hope is truly gone. I don’t even kid myself about it any longer. So… Hope is dead. – I was called to eat chili with Randy and Lyle tonight. I declined the offer. I did, however have 2 packets of the oatmeal… with heavy cream! YAY! The dairy fat tasted SOOOOooooo good for a change! I’ve been craving it of late. – Still nothing… and I mean NOTHING on the GFM account. I’m truly and really quite out of it… fed the fuck up. People are, as I suspected all along, full of shit. I mean really! Not even one dollar? Well fuck me! But more than that…. FUCK THEM! – OH! I got an e-mail this evening… vanZini wants to add me to his “professional associates” on… LinkedIn! Can’t drop me a line,keep in touch. But wants to add me on LinkedIn. NYC? I do not think so. Fuck me! I’ve chosen to simply ignore it. – 21.44 I need a shower. The bike ride was sweaty in spite oft he cold but my hands held out rather well. Since it’s so quick. I’ll make the trip again. Need to find out if I can use the VTexpres card for sand paper and such at hard-ware store. NEED to finish Bob’s chair before I “leave”. Still looking toward being “gone” before Thanksgiving… But if they pay storage… I’m fucked there. – Time to close this fucking day. Yet another one gone by… they all do that… just “go”… just as I must… and damned-well SOON!
Wed.6.Nov: 15.28 I did NOT want to get out of the bed this morning! Twice, I had horribly painful cramps, nausea, and then emergency runs to the loo. Gall bladder perhaps, from downing a pint of heavy cream before bed last night and 4 PopTarts (and all the Tootsie Rolls that I’ve actually been living off of for the past several days… too much sugar, not enough “food”). But, by 10.30 I was out the door and to the barn. And the accomplishments of this day were: to take down the burlap bags that had been hanging for the past several days and putting the rest of them out to air and to be “rinsed” by the coming rains in the forecast… next was to remove the little garden stakes and wire from the front flower-bed (Bob told me last night, that they’ll be knocked down come the snows so they had to be removed)… then out to the back to clip dried grasses and “goldenrod” and those little daisies… I used the wire from the front to bundle the grasses and such with some Chinese lanterns that actually look like hell at this point to take the place of the corn stalks we never got. Garden stakes and dried grasses… on the front lawn which, by the way, finally got mowed. And then to get another bottle of brook water for the plants and finally, I’m in the house. – Strange sort of day, health-wise. For a while, I actually felt as if I was about to sit in a chair out behind the barn and my body was just going to give-in, give-up, give-out and shut down. Truly and honestly and no shit today… I’m not feeling at all well. Not in the least bit. For some minutes, my vision went all strange, as if I’d been looking through water. Halos around everything. My head throbbed. Taking a breath was a conscious effort. But, you know… I say nothing to anybody. No sense in it, really. Nobody wants to hear it and even if and when they do, it makes no difference at all. So, best to jot it here and let it go… move along. – I just dread the rest of this evening. Right now, all I’d really love to do is shower and get right back into bed. My stomach is churning as I type this and I truly just want to go to sleep. Forever would be nice. – Oh, sent a brief e-mail to Nancy this morning with a little graphic of some kind… it’s her birthday. The way I look at it, if I remembered and sent along nothing it would appear that I’d forgotten. I did forget. And as brutal as her accusation was, a note of recognition was called for. It was sent. – 22.51 Showered, in bed. Had one piece of fish and about 3 tablespoons of rice for “meal” today. Oddly… when the dinner was done, Lyle told Bob that the left-over fish was for him. Usually, what’s left-over is pushed to me. OK. I’m not complaining. (When I took my shower just now, I noticed: ribs and spine. My body’s wasting. Good. Going HOME will be much easier, the less there is of me.) Anyway, at least I can say that I accomplished something with this day… as far as the house is concerned. Oh, and I washed, dried and put up the dinner dishes. Note? Randy and Lyle put the previous dishes into the dish-washer and ran it… but they didn’t bother to empty it. Me? I won’t. i still think in terms of them sleeping until noonish, watching TV. The most they do as far as effort is cook dinner. I mean, when I bring Dixie out to play and the first thing she does is pee… and Randy won’t bring the dogs out before about 14.00 no matter what time he wakes… and… if we weren’t here, I wonder what Lyle would do. It takes nothing to let the dogs out to pee and shit. No energy at all. And it’s not as if anything of any importance is being done in the house. So, there is a limit to what I will and will not do and I will not take the dishes out of the dish-washer. – The damned parts for the washing machine still haven’t arrived. They shipped almost 5 days ago! I’m pissed! – Got a message from storage today via e-mail/voice: call by 7pm tonight. Why? There’s nothing I can say and besides, I don’t really care to talk about it… I don’t want to be reminded. I KNOW already/ – The WIND IS BANGING AGAINST THE WINDOW… THE FRONT WINDOW! It was rather nice today, in spite of my sweats and such. And it’s not cold tonight but this wind is another cold front coming in and rain is supposed to precede. Oh well. I would have liked to go to Richford tomorrow, but not in the rain. And there’s no sense in going if Brenda’s not there. I’ll have to muddle through…meanwhile. – A thought: When Randy and Lyle went shopping the other evening, Randy claims he maxed his credit card on the shopping. He has a credit card? Imagine that. No job, but a credit card. Anyway, I wonder if he paid for all of their shopping. Just wondering. – And so, the night is done, the day is done and I’m done. I’m about to shit the Atelier idea. No money to do anything, so I may as well chalk it up to another folly. No support. No business. No bother. I’m soon gone anyway. Next nice day… next nice day. Time to get the fuck out! – PS: reply from Nancy on the Birthday e-mail… still love you, &c. I must have the wrong notions about that… love-thing.
Thu.7.Nov:
Thu.7.Nov: 7.41 Rain. And a very difficult morning. Weak. Tired. I did not want to get out of the bed to check to see if the garbage had been taken out. But I did get up. Went down-stairs. The recycling is out therefore the garbage, I assume, is out. I had a smoke. I had all to do to get back up the stairs. Out of breath. Terribly weak. Just weak. Can’t get storage out of my head. Visions of the unit, stacked neatly. Gone. Nancy telling me in her e- mail that she’s still here for me. Bob… but I can’t think about that now (Statler Brothers line). Just too weak this morning. Illness? Hunger? Malnutrition? I don’t know. – Quite warm in the room this morning. Quite warm. No strength. No energy. I want to write the new book. I want to finish Bob’s chair. I want to “do” something. Too bloody weak. I want to go HOME. I don’t want to take the next breath. Yesterday was like death… Death. This morning is even closer. No sense in living… to continue. But I need to get out of the house, away, get back HOME. – Another day begins. I am miserable. – 19.10 I have been out of bed twice all day, and only for a smoke and then back into bed. And back to sleep! Depression is making me ill and the illness is making me weak. Yuppers! I’m heading down that trail. And I’m not going to do a damned thing to stop it. Even though… Nancy! Nancy made a contribution to l’Atelier! Imagine? I was in total shock when I saw that! Just shock! (If this fucking dog doesn’t stop scratching on my door I’m about to lose what little I have in my gut and spew it with bile and vitriol! I’m being held captive along with being sick and depressed! I need out of this mess… the long and permanent “out”.) But I have to say that I’m more grateful to her than I can even think of words to express. Not so much for the contribution itself but for the confidence and trust that I will use that for the purpose of finishing the jobs I’ve started (which are about the ONLY thing keeping me here to begin with)… but the fact that MAYBE SOMEBODY else will look at that page and see that SOMEBODY actually TRUSTS me! That’s a SUPER-HUGE issue today… trust. This depression began back when the Post Office fucked me over. It’s actually been a heavy spiral ever since then and that’s most of why what Nancy said about me being too busy being angry hit me as hard as it did. No trust any more. No confidence. It all got added to the Diane Olsen thing and that just kept getting worse. But it would be really super if somebody else looks at the GFM page now and sees that there’s a start and puts in a dollar or so. It really would! – The first time I went down-stairs today was this morning. No interactions with anybody. The second time I had to leave bed was at about 12.30 when Bob rang and wanted to talk with me on the phone about having taken the barn key with him, putting the old carpeting out with today’s trash and the enquiry about paying the storage (which only put me deeper into the darkness that I was already in… He’s trying to help and I know Storage won’t cooperate). I spoke with him, mentioned to Lyle that I’m not feeling well and came back up to bed. Oh yes, and then at about 16.25 I had to go to the loo and then decided I’d drop down for a smoke? Lyle and Randy in the kitchen prepping a HUGE tray of crisps for dinner and just the sight of it made my stomach churn. My body doesn’t even WANT food any more. Good for me anyway. So I brought Dixie and Ellie out for a pee and I had my smoke and felt worse. Came in and after a bit of chat, right back up to bed. Bob came to the door shortly after to ask how I was feeling and about storage… He’s been planning on me going to NYC on THIS SATURDAY to pay and get all my stuff out! First: the car isn’t big enough even for the little bit I’ve left in storage. Second: I can’t afford the gas to get here and back. Third: If anything happened to his car! I’d have to KILL ME ON THE SPOT! I appreciate it all but… I have enough on my mind right now thinking about the new “job”, this depression, going HOME and all that. My head and, quite actually, my body now too, can’t take any more. In fact, as I’ve laid here today, I’ve already made the trip HOME in my head and heart. It’s just a matter of time and timing at this point. (I just will NOT do that here… nobody in the house would understand and besides, I wouldn’t do that to them.) – Anyway, it’s finally 19.26 and dark. I haven’t put on the light because the Old Lady across the hall would notice and run to make issue. So I’ve been browsing the Net in the dark and now? It’s time to go back to sleep and hopefully sleep through until about 7.00 tomorrow. And, I’m hoping for “good” weather tomorrow… Richford… first thing in the morning!!! – Now… to hope with all for sleep. – Oh, posted a page for the ChristmasCactus… poor little thing.
Fri.8.8.Nov: 0.40 Obviously the sleep didn’t come. Well, not after a bit of napping. Looks like “Sun-downers’” is kicking in here. The depression of the day leaves and I’m ready to waltz out the door. Not really. I’m about ready to crawl back under the covers. I’ve had a few hours’ diversion on-line, all sorts of up-dates and such and shit to different web-pages. Hey! If “presence” had anything at all to do with the success… I’d be rolling in more than cow-shit right now. PAGES all over the fucking place and NOTHING! – I ate 2 apples, 2 packettes of instant oatmeal (dry), 4 PopTarts during the course of the evening. So, I’ve eaten something and something all day as well. Not healthy. Not satisfying. But eaten. Fuck me anyway. I’d LUV to have a bit of a smoke but I don’t dare to have one in the room out the window and I don’t dare try to make it out of the house (dogs barking and all that shit). I might, but the truth is, I don’t really “Need” a smoke and would probably be just as well off simply going to sleep. Besides, Bob leaves in about 5 hours and I can get up and go out then. And after that, should all go well enough, I’ll be on the road shortly (relatively speaking) there-after. So? So… I also must remember to get in touch with Storage! AND to let Bob know that I think it’s ludicrous that I should go to NYC tomorrow… TOMORROW! SHIT! No! Not going tomorrow. – Well, time to get under the covers, cut this Internet shit out for the night. I need a schluck of water and then… I need to avoid the inevitable future. NOW THAT’S TRULY WHAT I NEED: AVOID THE INEVITABLE FUTURE!!! –
Sat.9.Nov: 21.18 In bed. No shower. Didn’t do anything to “earn” one today. Actually, until this evening, I didn’t “do” much of anything at all, really. This morning was another day of not wanting to get up at all. Now I’m not sure if it’s fatigue, malnutrition, depression… what. But just the simple step of “waking” is becoming difficult these days. One of these days I’ll just go to “sleep” and won’t have to think about waking… ever again. Soon… and very soon. – John came by. It’s Saturday. Nice little visit, but I get the distinct feeling that he feels uncomfortable with me in the room because as soon as I show, he gets ready to leave. I don’t know why. But it’s not important. Lyle HAD to make a mention of my storage situation to him. Why? No clue. The life of old women, I suppose. Anyway, there was mention of using John’s truck to get my things up to VT. It was a VERY brief mention and I didn’t pursue the issue. I know SO MUCH BETTER than to do THAT! And then it was said that John and I could go together. Oh yeah. Right-oh, that! Then John asked about “the job” and asked “How are you going to get back and forth?” “I deal with those issues as they come.” I said. And then made it clear that I’ve walked to the market in Sutton, walked through Milton to St. Albans, walked to Enosburg, to Richford…. making it clear (I believe) that I’m neither expecting nor anticipating any lifts. Then came the subject of “Health Care” and the new rules and shit. A reference to a friend of John’s who postponed surgery, Lyle chimed in with how important such things are, Bob added that Lyle was in no position to talk and John asked why Lyle is so non-compliant. “Depression.” replied Lyle. And the Tea and Sympathy was served… on sterling silver and in finest china. I mean, REALLY? Depression? House. Spouse. Pets. Food beyond all imaginings (says me, who just finished a dry Ramen noodle from the market next door and am wondering how in Hell they managed to be able to sell a STALE Ramen noodles!). Depression. Yup, indeed. That was when I took my leave.. because I just couldn’t stomach it. But, once again, it’s fine and dandy that OTHERS should and can be “depressed” AND speak about it. Me? I’m just angry or whining or… It’s not even worth getting into at this juncture. Suffice to note it here, toss it to the ether and leave it alone. – Oh, then John had made a comment when I came into the kitchen (I was en route to a smoke, to be sure) about where I am most of the time. Randy… RANDY pops up with “Up-stairs.” and looks toward the room. ME? Most of the time? Up-stairs? In the room? WHAT in the FUCK? THATSHIT coming from the one who’s spent MORE time in this house IN the bed, UNDER the blankets. Another “depression”, a “lonely heart”, expecting to be the “Boy-toy” of Franklin VT, be-moaning on social media the fact that he’s single. Well, jolly-doo-dah-day-OH-my-fucking-god! SERIOUSLY? HOW I SO wanted to punch his voice box right down and through his arse hole! BUT… I didn’t. I merely added my list of places that Ive been whilst the house-hold “slept-in” daily. FUCK! Me, the silent brunt of all things “Bull-shit”! – Next… – So I came up to the room and today I got into the afghan. I actually added another 9 rows! 5 double and 4 single! I Hoovered the room and sat in the rocker, put some Cajun radio on the lap-top, plugged my ear-buds in and away I went. It diverted my attention from my hunger. – Tonight’s dinner: potato soup… with ham. God forbid there should be no pork! (As a matter of fact, there was much time passed last evening, putting-up more pork than there are pigs in America.) I had 2 small bowls… to kill the hunger… just enough and only just. The second portion was offered, but I got the feeling it was courtesy. After dinner, I brought in a bag of pellets for the stove. That was empty. I filled it. Enough said on the matters. And… I came back up to the room to continue working on the afghan and listening to the Cajun radio. (This lap-top is fucking about this evening. The space bar isn’t registering, the letters are sluggish. The whole thing is a fuck-up piece of shit!) – When I went back down for a quick smoke, Randy and Lyle were in the kitchen… “smoking a bowl”, as it were. None of my business, other than: Gee! It’s OK to smoke weed in the kitchen but pipes, cigars and cigarettes are off limits? My, my, my… how… CHRISTIAN! Hypocrisy makes me SO BLOODY SICK! THEN… I come up to the room where I’d had the door open for some warmth and what comes wafting in? REEFER SMOKE! SO… the door got closed, the vent in the floor got covered AND… the window got opened! (Oh, and by the bye, there was a slight bit of snow tonight… a “nice flurry”… so it’s not “balmy” by any means.) It’s 21.47 now and the window is being held just “cracked” open. The room is closed-off but I’m sure SOME of the “coolness” will manage to make a way under the door. Good. Hey! The one night my cigarette smoke came back in as I grabbed a drag out the window, there was to-do and air freshener. I apologised for any inconvenience. THAT was CIGARETTE! THIS is illegal dope. Besides, it burnt my nasal passages and eyes. OK? OK. – And so, this wraps this day. – The TV is on down-stairs where the “house” has been “toasting” (in more ways than one), and it’s on “Surround Sound” so the bass rumbles through the walls and floors. It’s like being back in the Shelter tonight. (Depression? My bleeding hemorrhoids! Depression.) I believe Randy’s back in his bed… too cold, no doubt. Fuck-tard. Yes, I understand he has metal in his back and such and that it probably does get cold. But he’s down there, in the room beside the pellet stove where it’s so warm that I can’t sit in there wearing what I wear in “my” room and just feel the comfortable side of a chill. AND… he puts away the beer AND the crisps and all-knows-what in munchies. Meanwhile, *I* bring in the wood pellets to keep THEM warm, I manage to maintain the property OUT-side… and HE won’t even bring the poor dogs out to PEE! BUT… he puts in his full FoodStamp allotment AND, as I’m to understand, he pays something in “rent”. So me? I keep my mouth shut and look at the weather forecasts and the aerial maps and make my plans to go HOME.
Sun.10.Nov: 21.14 Back in bed at last! What a damned, damned day. Right now, I stink like dog, my feet stink like feet, I feel, in general, like a sack of shit. And I’m so hungry that I’m actually nauseated… my stomach wants to heave but there’s nothing in it to heave. I keep thinking: I’ve known hunger… so much of my entire life-time, I’ve known hunger. And tonight, I’m so hungry that even typing this is quite annoying. My mind knows where the keys are but my fingers don’t want to co-operate. It;s a rather strange sensation. As if my fingers are separate from the rest of my body. As if my brain is separate from the rest of my being. Maybe, just maybe, I’m heading into one of the stages of starvation. Oh! That would be such a delight. Especially since tomorrow will be yet, another day of unadulterated Hell. (Meanwhile, thank goodness for Spell-check.) – SO! This morning, I actually slept (so to speak) until 8.30. Woke and put a few more rows on the afghan. The room was quite comfortable, especially considering I went to bed with the window open a bit to get rid of the acrid stench of the weed being smoked down-stairs. But the room was comfy… for me. I made no rush to get up or out since it was raining and there were things I wanted to do (like make a wreath of the dried wild flowers out back), but couldn’t because everything was wet! SO… round about 11.00, I headed out to the barn… l’Atelier… where, with a bit of doing, particularly because of the cold and damp, I actually got my hair-cut in! A “Shelter Buzz”. Nothing special. Just something so that I appear to be “groomed”. It truly is amazing… and I mean that quite literally… but I just don’t really give a shit what I look like any more. I brush my teeth once a week, if that. My toe nails haven’t been trimmed/filed in MONTHS! I file my finger nails only because I have to. If they didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother with them either. I just don’t give a shit. And I won’t until the day comes when I walk out this door and head HOME. For THAT, I WILL be presentable… for the very last time in this world. Until then? Fuck it. Fuck the world. Fuck my so-called life. Fuck it ALL! None of it makes any difference at all anyway. – So I buzzed my hair in the barn and came back into the house. It was about 13.00 or so and Lyle and Bob were just waking. I came up to the room, put on the iPod, CRANKED the volume UP and went back to a few more rows on the afghan. As I work on it I wonder why. It passes time. It will help if/when the weather snaps back to November. But I’m not thinking in “long” terms of time any more. Everything is set and ready to “go”, but in the mean-while, I keep “doing”… shit… just to keep busy… occupied. All is for nothing these days… nothing more and nothing less than walking out the door and going HOME. As for the afghan? Almost done with the last full pound of off-white. Then come the colours. Bob will be able to enjoy the finished product, being of German ancestry too. Today I thought: This afghan was begun in Rockaway, on Rockaway Beach Blvd. where I was thrilled to be residing. I thought I’d write my book there. I never got to it. But it was a delight living in Rockaway and I will miss it, as I do now, terribly. And, this afghan has taken YEARS to complete. Imagine though, beginning in New York and finishing in Vermont. My goodness, indeed. And when it’s done and I pass it along, it won’t take long and it’ll be full of fleas and dog hair and the likes. That’s how things in this world go. It could, I’m sure, bring several hundred dollars if sold. Maybe that’s what the guys will do with it. That would be nice. Although they spend their money on the silliest shit, maybe this afghan will bring them heat or electric. Or even gas for a nice drive some-where. Take Randy the fuck out of the house and show him his “home state” since he doesn’t really know shit about it. – (21.33 The wind just picked right the fuck up and SLAMMED into the side of the house! It’s still raining, a bit, and not at all too cold. But that WIND! Just out of no-where, and HAMMERING into the side of the house! OK Muthuh Naytchuh, get the shit out of your system. I see that Tuesday’s high temperature is expected to be zero… and I have a 3-hour walk to get to this job-thing. So, pound it all out now, rain, sleet, snow, what-ever. I don’t want wet weather on Tuesday!) – So, the day rolled on. Oh, one point: At 13.00 I was just coming in from the barn and Randy came into the kitchen with an empty beer bottle. He’d taken his morning meds with a beer. Then, this evening, he comes into the living-room with another bottle… “Beer for breakfast and another one for dinner.” he announced. Meanwhile, all day, I’ve been absolutely sick with hunger, he eats, Lyle devoured the left-over franks (several of them), Bob snacked and me? I wasn’t offered anything until about 17.30 when Bob said “Help yourself to what-ever you find in there to eat.” So I did: some black olives (which no-body seems to be eating), mayo, an old baked potato on a roll. That was it for the day. After, they had some kind of “nut brittle” candy and I had 7 small pieces of that. There. “Nourishment” for the day. As I say, I’m so hungry that I really don’t want to eat anything for fear it will all come right back up at this point. – Bob shampooed the carpeting today. I guess they’re getting ready for Thanksgiving when Lyle’s Dad and sister are expected to come to the house. I helped him bring in the “new” recliner that Penny (Lyle’s sister) brought a few weeks ago. It’s rather large. When Bob sits on it his feet don’t touch the floor. Very cute… after a fashion. – I watched a movie with the 3 of them and then began to watch another but, it got to be 21.00. Tomorrow morning I MUST, MUST, MUST get the wash in the machine! I don’t want to use the dryer (propane and all) but right now, I don’t have much choice: my clothes have a foul odour from working in the barn, working with the dried meadow flowers and all that shit. I fear I’ll begin to offend. – Tomorrow too, I have to get my “CV” info together. It should be printed, but I don’t know where I’ll get to do that. I have to check to see if the local library is open tomorrow. If not, early on Tuesday before I head into St. Albans. (That’s an 18 mile trek… on foot, no doubt.) Why I’m going through with this is any-body’s guess. But that’s me… keep up the good face and never let on to anybody. The only time any-one will ever know the truth about my hunger, depression, pain is if any-one ever reads any of this Journal… and that’s truly doubtful. – I’m glad I have this Journal. At least here I can be honest about noting my real emotions, thoughts, feelings and general being. I don’t DARE to mention any… ANY of this to ANY body! It’s all just chalked up to being angry or whining. Not one sole on earth knows… it’s been like this for almost 60 years. Truly. Even my so-called, mis-named “child-hood” was denial of food, warmth, safety, comforts. Beaten, scolded, and even a few attempts at killing me off. Nobody knows. And yet, if I were to mention? “Whining”. “Angry”. Oh well. Soon… done. I SO MUCH look forward to being able to simply lay down, buzz the fuck off and out of this shit-hole that people call “Life”. – Well, 21.50 and time to get under the nasty sheets, try for some kind of sleep or rest or something before tomorrow. There’s nothing I can accomplish tonight and the hunger is starting to kick in again. So, I’ll post this, check a couple of things on-line (like the fact that there won’t be any more donations toward the Atelier… which would be a delight to see come true… that and getting my few belongings out of storage… shit… even if I don’t get to use any of it, there’s stuff in there that can be sold and Bob and Lyle could use the income). And come the dawn, another day of trotting about, appearing quite please with the world and my place in it. And the lie continues… as will the hunger and the wasting. That part is the good part… the wasting.
Mon.11.Nov: 0.15 And the wind took the electric out of the town! So… me go to sleep now. – 7.38 The first load of wash is in the machine. Clothes. Of course, all things being “me”,just as I opened the door to the room, Lyle was coming out of the loo. Let’s not let me just go through what I really need to do (and I don’t feel as is it’s a “need” because, well, I truly just don’t care one way or the other about much of anything these days and clean clothes isn’t an issue with me any longer). But well, it’s another day. And my guts are knotted, I feel “removed” and hungry and my anxiety level is through the ceiling and … it’s another day and I’m awake. – Meanwhile, in other venues, when the power went out last night it truly was remarkable. Darkness. Total, and complete darkness. The way things are supposed to be when the sun is no longer in the sky. Total blackness. It lasted only brief moments, but it truly was delightful. The way “country” nights are supposed to be. I didn’t want to go to sleep. I wanted, rather, to be in the darkness. But my night for that is on my own horizon. (Funny, that; when I think about it, every moment of my existence is in some kind of darkness.) – Well… let’s hope that the wash can get done with-out incident. Clothes are in now. The bed-clothes go next and then I’ll be up for the day. I have particulars to get together for tomorrow… CV and references and such. But I haven’t showered in several days and will have to put on clean clothes… on this filthy person. More wash. Oh well. Let’s not make things pleasant. – So much for this morning’s entry. On with the day (and hope my intestines don’t explode all over me, there’s nothing in there anyway). – 22.44 CLEAN BED! CLEAN JAMMIES! CLEAN ME! – Looking out the window I see… IT”S SNOWING! Not very much, but just enough to change a bleak attitude into something a bit more cheerful. At least with the snow it won’t be that “snappy” cold. And it looks better and is better for the mood and attitude. – Today’s accomplishments include: I made a wreath for the front of the house. It’s hanging on the wagon wheel… the large one that I brought from the barn and hung on the hook on the house. I brought the wheel… I made the wreath… I hung the wheel and the wreath. Me. The wreath goes with the “stalks” that I tied. The grasses in the back were a bit damp today, but I cut what I could and brought them into the “atelier”, put the music on and spent the day tying it all together. All said, in honesty, it was delightful. I wonder if I’ll be around to do pine ropes. I wonder if I’ll be able to get any pine to tie. I wonder… I don’t “plan” on it though. But for today, I got to have a bit of seasonal fun anyway. It was a cold day, but not too bad. Even in the rain… which fell as I worked the wreath (and I took the left-over grasses, added the “Indian Corn” and made 2 “sprays” as well). So, there was something done with this day. Always “something” done with a day around here. Why? Simply because I will not sit in the house, in front of the TV, watching the 2 depressives wallow. I will not and I can not. – Dinner tonight, just for the sake of reporting: lasagna. Left-over lasagna. I actually had 2 pieces and there was one left. But since It wasn’t offered to me, I didn’t take. But for the most part of the day, I ate PopTarts and frosting… not god for me but killed the hunger. The BAD part about it is that I broke down and bought the stuff next door and the idiot Deb was working. Double whammy: buying next door AND having to deal with that piece of shit. But, I was hungry and I’m tired of being hungry. And I’m also tired of eating sugar. But it’s better than nothing and better than being hungry. Oh, how nice it would be to have something hot… a mean, some food even my coffee. But it’s not to be and I continue living (living?) as I did in the Shelter. That will never end… so it would seem. I’m stuck in “the Shelter”. – Then this evening, I brought in 2 bags of pellets for the stove. I mention it because, well, its good to do so (as I’ve learnt over the years… keep a record… just for shits). But I mention it because the pellets for the stove to heat the house do nothing to keep this room warm. I don’t really benefit from bringing the pellets and putting them in the store. But I do it… anyway. What the fuck? Why the fuck not? Eh? It’s not “brownie points”, nor does it actually mean anything to anybody. It’s expected, really. So I do it. Keeps peace, over-all, and that’s what I want. So, if Peace costs me the time to bring in pellets, so be it. – I have to MUST mention… the kitten is growing SO large and is just SO adorable. She’s up and down the stairs already, taking over the house. And when I cuddle with her (as I do, occasionally) she purrs sometimes. I would have never believed that she’d survive, but credit is fully due: Lyle put SO much of him-self into making sure that she did survive and, well, success. And I look at her and remember: I promised… my life for hers. I have to move along so make the room for her in this World. I don’t mind. She’s precious, people adore her… Me? Neither, not so much. Fine. I don’t care. Just so long as she has a nice life – And then this evening… As I look out the window from the desk I see the car zoom up the road. I thought perhaps Bob and Lyle had some words or something but it struck me as strange: To go “up” the road would be to go either to Highgate/Swanton or to Richford. But I couldn’t think of any reason to go to either at that hour of the night. I didn’t bother to go right down-stairs but when later, I went for my smoke, I noticed Randy in bed and Bob and Lyle both not at home. So I asked Randy: They went to Richford, to trick with some trucker at Blue Seal! They asked Randy if he wanted to go… he, of course, passed and went to bed… “bored”. Well, when the other 2 returned the story was confirmed. They’d “met” the guy on some “app” and headed directly out! However, when I spoke with Lyle this evening, he confided that he anticipates a nasty attitude from Randy tomorrow. It seems that Randy gets a snit on when Bob and Lyle “play” and he’s not the centre of attention! Imagine that! It corroborates Bob’s story that Randy was under the impression that he would come to the house here and he would be the “play toy” all of the time, and since that hasn’t happened (as Bob says, because Lyle’s not interested in Randy as such), Randy tends to become depressed and rather shitty. WELL FUCK THE WORLD! I have no patience for such infantile bull-shit! Oddly enough, I was so tempted to bitch-slap the little fag today anyway, what, with all his “pity party” bull-shit on the social media. So, this just confirms: he needs a good shit-hauling but you know, I’m not going to be the one to do it. I don’t give a fuck. Let him rot in his own bull-shit. – And so, as this day gets recorded, I S.H.O.W.E.R.E.D. in anticipation of tomorrow. I expect to bike ride or walk. No gloves to keep my hands warm and it’s supposed to be a snappy sort of day. I did put a posting out on Craigslist begging for a lift. But I don’t expect any replies at this point. – Oh! Oh! Bob came by to say that I’ll be taking him to the gas station in the morning and will have the car! (Tell me at the last minute… like not telling me that the parts for the washing machine came…) I’m RELIEVED! Now, if only I could get a print-out of my CV. But even going to the library will do me no good… they want money for print-outs and well… I have none of that. It’s all on-line if any-body’s actually interested anyway… which I doubt. – Time to wrap this day up, put it some-where where it can be easily forgotten and get my eyes closed and my brain shut down. I’m showered and exhausted… mostly from just the mental anguish of every waking moment. – HOME time is coming… just holding out for a good weather day… and all I’ll need is one day.
Tue.12.Nov: 22.06 In bed at last! Another day shot to shit. Why? Because I’m still journalling. – But it was OK, all said. Bitter cold, with a bit of snow flurrying all through the day. Thankfully though, Bob let me have the car for the “Open House” at the Franklin Rehab! It would have been quite the travel on the bike, having no gloves, my hands would have been frost-bitten before I cleared Sheldon! That was my only concern, to be quite honest. I can take the cold. And I realised that, what I have with me now, as far as Winter clothing is concerned, is what I brought with me when I first came back to the North. OK. So that was an easy Winter and this one, thus far, isn’t the same (not to mention, being a bit farther North… although I did spend that couple of weeks in St. Albans for December and half of January… still, that was an easy Winter and this one, thus far, is not). That was a winded sentence. Meanwhile, yes, I got Bob to St. Albans and I came back to the house right away. Got a bit of a nap in too. I was almost exhausted this morning for some reason. The nap wasn’t refreshing, but the shower there-after… well… it helped a bit. Still, I was really quite tired, all the same. Then, came a bit of a whammy when Chica got into her yipping shit, trying to wake Lyle, who was asleep on the sofa in the living-room. When I commented that I was about to kick her (Chica) through a wall, Randy responded “Just try it!” and then told me that if I tried, he’d kick ME through a wall. He was quietly assured “You’ve dared me… it’s done.” and so it will be, one way or another. And I left for my appointment. – I’d no sooner gotten down the road when I realised that I’d left the iPod at the house! It has my CV on it and I needed that info! So I had to come back… to the dogs barking! Muthufukkuh how I’m coming to hate those creatures! But the truth of the matter is: it’s not them… it’s the bloody absence of any kind of training around here. Nobody takes any active part in giving the animals any kind of guidance! (I tend to wonder what Bob’s kids are like… if this is any indication, they’re terrorists!) And so, I came to the room, got the iPod and was back on the road. – STOP-OFF AT HANNAFORD’S IN ST. ALBANS! TWO jars of coffee, a creamer, a box of breakfast cereal and 2 boxes of PopTarts! YAY! Coffee and something to eat! I feel better knowing that that’s here. It’s not the best in food but it’s better than nothing and certainly better than giving any business to next door! And on to the “Open House”. – It was strange and yet comfortable being at the Rehab again. But Mary is now gone… “retired” they tell me. Now, if I’m ever to find here again, I’ll have to search. The Open House went along. It didn’t take very long at all. And the woman who conducted the tour recognised me. We chatted about Helen. The Rehab is under the impression that I was a private-hire so I’m leaving it at that unless asked. I got a chance to chat about my experience and language skills. And I left there feeling well… questionable because I HAD to mention the Diane Olsen shit!!!!! You know? I spoke with Bob a bit about it on the way back to the house this evening and the more time goes by and I can’t shake it, the more I keep thinking: I’m being punished for a crime not committed because of Diane. Perhaps it really WOULD be worth the effort to get down there, get in a few REALLY SUPER-GOOD punches to the bitch’s face and if I’m to be arrested, at least this time I’ll have committed an actual crime and, well, shit, the torture I’ve endured for over a year now? In comparison? Who the fuck cares, really? Her damage has been done. I might go to gaol, but this time it’ll be for a real reason and I’ll feel SO MUCH BETTER for it! It’s something to ponder… And the more I get tortured, the better it all thinks out. – So… the Open House was done by 14.30 and I wasn’t to meet Bob until about 14.15 so… I had a car, I had the time, I had the means… I HEADED TO THE BORDER AT ST. ARMAND!!!! TO CLEAR THAT ASPECT OF MY REPUTATION WITH THE GOVERNMENT THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANY OTHER ON EARTH! TO CLEAR MY WAY BACK HOME! And it was a delight of course. I got to les douanes, explained the situation to the nice man who gave me a slip of paper and directed me to the “Immigration” officer inside! By God! They’re SO MUCH MORE CIVILISED than the US counter-parts! The wonderful woman at the desk heard my story, took my passport and went to check the records. They indicate that the charges were dismissed! She said it will take at least 5 years for it to drop off the records. FIVE BLOODY FUCKING YEARS OF THIS SHIT FOLLOWING ME NO MATTER WHAT! FIVE BLOODY FUCKING YEARS AND NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. BUT… she was so kind when she said: “It’s on the records, you’re fine. When you come through, they might ask you a few questions, but the records are up to date and it’s OK.” I was so relieved I wanted to cry. Actually, I wanted to hug her in gratitude. Then she told me how to get back to the US border and I told her that I SO wished that I never had to go near that again for the rest of my life. She smiled. – The guy at US was really rather nice. I was rather shocked. And… I was on my way back toward St. Albans with time to spare when… I SAW A MOOSE TODAY! Had I known where the post office is in Highgate Centre, I was going to stop by there and give a few words of kindly advice to the bitch PM with regard to having kept me from getting the job right here in town. But… I didn’t want to use the gas looking for the office so I just kept going and THERE, ON THE 89 JUST PAST THE HIGHGATE/SWANTON BORDER… A MOOSE.. A COW… WALKING CASUALLY OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND OFF INTO THE MARSH! IT WASN’T UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL BUT… IT WAS A MOOSE! I’VE SEEN A MOOSE! WELL! INDEED! And of course, I was alone… which is perfectly par for the course of my entire existence anyway. But I know that I saw the MOOSE! – The wait for Bob wasn’t too bad nor too long. 45 minutes and the car remained warm enough. And we were on the way back to the house and the day was, for all intents and purposes, done. – At the house? No dinner. When Bob asked Lyle what was for dinner, Lyle said that he and Randy hadn’t decided and that they’d been talking about it. Talking about it? Seriously? It’s the ONLY thing they do ALL DAY! It’s not really that I give a shit for my own sake. But Bob doesn’t deserve that shit. I don’t know how he manages to deal with it. As it ended up: left-over pizza, potato soup and a tomato soup (which I combined and it was quite delicious), and grilled cheese sandwiches. OK. I’m relieved that the left-overs didn’t go to waste (but of course that moron got to feed an entire sandwich to the damned dogs! CHEESE! TO THE DOGS! FUCK-TARD!) but after having spent 700$ only a few days ago, and after watching Lyle put away a pumpkin roll (very delicious but not shared with others well at all) (I had one thin slice all told)… WHERE THE FUCK DOES THE FOOD GO ROUND HERE? CERTAINLY NOT TO ME BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION. And I’m the one with the very visible skeleton these days. You know? Just fuck it, really. – After dinner, I put the left-over soup and 2 remaining slices of pizza up in the fridge and I WASHED THE DISHES AND PUT THEM UP! THEN… I WENT OUT TO THE GARAGE AND BROUGHT IN A BAG OF PELLETS FOR THE STOVE. Not that it does ME any good at all… this room is like a walk-in cooler! (It’s even quite chilly as I type this.) I’d thought that Randy would take this room when I leave but I can see now that he won’t. With his bad back and the cold in here… he’d never survive. But me? Coldest room in the house and here I am. But the pellets help to keep the animals warm, especially little Shadow. So I do it for THEM. – Tonight was a recorded episode of “Sleepy Hollow”. That’s always fun to watch, especially since I know the area and have been there. And then, I went to feed the little ones (planning on giving more food than usual to all) but Lyle came to the kitchen so I only got to the food for the cats. I’ll have to hope I can give Dixie some extra in the morning. – And I’ve come up to bed… and as I did so, Chica barked. – Fuck me! I’m still peeing in a bottle in the morning so as not to get that useless piece of Mexican in-bred shit yipping and waking the house! I’m fed-the-fuck-up with that shit! So this evening I’ve resolved: No more trying to get about quietly so as not to disturb. Fuck it! Let the idiots (Randy and his Chica) annoy the other 2 as much as they want. Eventually some-one is going to get pissed. – And so, 22.52 and I’m almost burned out. I had to give the Googlevoice number as my phone at the job-thing today. I’ll have to dig up the house number here and get that to them. But for right now? Try to catch-up on yesterday’s notes and get some sleep! – 22.54 HOLY SHIT THE WIND IS SLAMMING AGAIN TONIGHT! MINUS 5 WITH INDEX OF MINUS 10 IN ST. ARMAND… MINUS 3/MINUS 8 IN RICHFORD!
Wed.13.Nov: 15.03 How strange: It was about 11.30 when I could smell the toast in the kitchen. Breakfast. Lyle and Randy having breakfast. Hot breakfast. How strange… nobody thinks to ask if I might like something hot for breakfast. Nobody thinks to ask if I might like a hot coffee… brewed coffee. Nobody thinks to ask. Nobody thinks. It’s always been like that. I don’t know why it even catches my attention any more. – But just a few moments ago, Lyle thought to ask if I’d bring in a bag of pellets for the stove. We think about asking things when it serves. So I did and when I looked into the living-room, there was Randy, in the sofa, under a blanket. He’s “cold”… poor dear (let me shit now). And I think: Well hell, if I wasn’t here, they’d have to sit here all day and wait for somebody to come in to get them the pellets and they’d rather freeze… alone… in here… if not for me and my presence. Ah, how that goes right along with the dishes. They’d sooner put the dirty dishes in the sink and leave them there. “They’ll have to soak.” goes the line. And often enough, they’ll “soak” for DAYS. Oh yes, somebody will put some dishes into the dishwasher and then? Sometimes, when it’s so full that nothing more will fit into it, somebody will actually push the button to start it. BUT… MOST of the time, the dishes will sit in there and wait… Dirty or washed, they’ll sit in the machine. And me? I REFUSE to stack or empty the damned thing. Fuck me. It’s the least they can do. Honestly? I wonder, often, the situation with Bob and how he puts up with it. “Love”? Maybe. I’m incapable of that kind of emotion any more. I admit it. It’s dead. Nothing even remotely close to that sort of shit in me. Maybe Bob has it. I don’t know. But the whole “dependency” issue. I’m MUCH happier with-out it. MUCH HAPPIER. Fukdatshit. Oh, and by the way? I brought the pellets in, emptied the bag into the stove (that particular bag wasn’t necessary at the moment… could have waited for HOURS yet), and not one word of gratitude. So, seems to me it’s “expected” and “granted”. That’s what I’m here for… the little Nigger who sits up in “The Cold Room” waiting to be beckoned, called to service. Oh well… Not much longer. – I’ve been getting the music together for the iPod. In spite of the fact that I hear the temperature is 21F today and surely, there will be colder days to come, there will be warmer days as well. And on one of those days, when all is done… – No word from the Rehab yet (and thankfully, none from storage either). I have a feeling I won’t be called to Rehab for the interview. Those are supposed to happen Thurs. and Fri. So, if no call today… I should have had the house number for the phone when I went yesterday. But I didn’t. So… They’ll have to call the N.Troy number and I’ll have to get back to them. Well hell anyway. This is the North Country. What do they expect? And if I’m working already, they’d have to expect to get an answering machine anyway. So? So. But I don’t expect to get called. That would be too “good” for me at this juncture. I owe so much to so many and a JOB is needed. So if it’s needed, it won’t be coming. – 15.17 and it seems Mr. Randy is back into the bed. Honestly! – Meanwhile, I have the door to the room open today… and I’m STILL sitting here wearing TWO hooded sweat-shirts. Yes, it’s that cold. Oh well… – 20.36 So, today’s “meals” have been several PopTarts, many coffees with creamer and tonight, 3 “frosting containers” of breakfast cereal made with the powdered coffee creamer. Lyle and Bob went to some restaurant in St. Albans this evening. Nothing was mentioned to me… but I did hear Bob tell Randy, as they left, that they expected to see him up and out of bed when they returned (at about 20.00). Of course, Randy headed directly for the bed as soon as they were round the corner. OK. So I most likely would not have joined them for dinner this evening. I’m in a FOUL frame of mood tonight after having been forced to listen to the fucking dogs barking and that “Chica” thing yipping even when I moved my lap-top and it squeaked. It just set me off something terrible tonight. That, and the whole issue of bringing in pellets for a stove that keeps THEM comfy but has no bearing on the chill in this room? AND… the one who thanks me? Bob. NEVER either of them. So, I’m just in a FOUL SNIT at the moment. But I did get to work with the music on the iPod for most of the day and yet, it still isn’t complete. Oh well. – Oh… “nourishment”? I ate a packet of the seasoning from a Ramen noodles… followed by a glass of cold water. Hungry, but I just don’t want any more sugar. – On other topics: no word from the Rehab. Thankfully, no word from storage. Bob came to the room earlier to say that I’ll have to go with Lyle tomorrow to the post office to get a money order. (Lyle? To the post office? I doubt that ever so very much.) Oh well. As I say: it’s just a matter of time. – And so, I went for a smoke and Bob called me to the living-room to ask if I knew of any way to get rid of gas. He joked about a “C section”. I went along with the jovialities but couldn’t even get myself to look at that little fag sitting on the sofa, under the blanket. Makes me want to puke… not even vomit… puke. – Had my smoke, came back up to the room, wrapped things together from the desk and am in bed. I could have used a bit of a shower tonight, but you know, I just don’t give a jolly fuck. Why bother? Really. Just why bother at all? You see, I put all this here, on a blog that very few know about and even fewer would even bother to come by. There’s nobody to talk with about any of this. And if I DID even DARE to “talk” about it… I’d be denigrated and chastised for whining. So… best to just type it out and let it go… as much as possible. – Tomorrow’s plans are… void at the moment. Finish the iPod, maybe look for a bit more music. I have to get the “Fin du Monde” list together soon. – Today I entertained the notion of simply leaving, putting a notice on Craigslist to see if I can make my way to Lafayette. Why? Because I’d like to see the place and because I don’t care any more. If I’m lucky, I can get a lift with some demented old thing who just might be kind enough to do me in. Hey! I might not get to Lafayette, but at least I won’t give a shit at all any longer. – And on that… – 21.43 Just a note: Amazing (or not) but the little fag was right back in bed with-in moments! The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced: This environment is bringing me DOWN! Being in a house of the depressed makes for a difficult time of NOT being depressed. Well, tomorrow I’ll have to find something to do… maybe a nice long… LONG walk to the market… in Enosburg or Richford or maybe even BOTH!
Thu.14.Nov: 10.13 And here is sit, under the blankets, sweats and hooded-sweat-shirt on, hood on my head, fingers so cold that they won’t registre on the touch pad on the lap-top. I slept in the same sweats last night. Hood and all. And this is different from Richford… How? Not at all. And the mood this morning when I got up at about 7.30 was none-too-jolly-ho-ho. I’m really feeling the malnourished these days. Last night I watched CBC/Radio Canada for awhile and ate some of the breakfast cereal… from the box… dry. It was to kill the hunger. It didn’t really work. This morning it all came out in the shits. Add to that, the cold in this room, the fact that it’s MUCH warmer if I open the door but… I don’t want to be bothered with the little bitch across the hall (neither of the 2 of them) so? This is what it comes to. When I went for my smoke this morning I realised (again): I bring in the pellets for the wood stove to keep the house warm… for the two who do nothing all day but wallow in self-pity and self-induced depressions. I wonder what Bob did before I got here. And… how fun it is for the Depression Duo to all but dismiss me. And no, this isn’t a starvation delusion here. I’m not spoken to as a rule and now, when I am, shit-head across the hall has at it like some Faerie Princess. Okee… anyway… time to get “busy” and maybe even out of this hole. – I’m quite doubtful that I’ll be contacted by Rehab AND doubtful that Lyle will have any sort of business going to the post office today (it’s too cold, I’m sure). – 21.58 I have only moments before I simply MUST get to try to sleep tonight. But since there is something to be noted for today, I just have to get a couple of lines down. Firstly, there was no real “work” accomplished today, save a few more rows added to the afghan. The last pound of yarn for the general work is almost done. The tri-colour comes next and then… FINISHED! – Of particular note: LYLE had to go out and fetch the trash barrels today! LYLE! Imagine THAT! AND… he brought in a bag of pellets! LYLE! I was in the house. He didn’t ask for any help! In a way, I’m a little upset… in another way, I’m relieved… and in yet another way? I’m pissed because Ms. Thang across the hall just lays in bed whining about how cold it is… well then get up and DO something about it! TRY, at the very least, to bring a bag of pellets in… or… what the fuck? Can’t bring in the empty trash barrels? OK then! Fuck-all. – Yesterday, Bob said that Lyle and I would go to the post office here and send off a money order toward storage… No, of course, it didn’t happen. I didn’t expect it to. I’m saying nothing about the matter to anybody… I just jot it here, where it’s said in silence (and nobody gives a fuck). – And then and now since there was the mention of the post office… I have an interview tomorrow after-noon… in St. Albans… for the job right here in town! Yes! I was checking the e-mail for the voice-mail from the Rehab (just for shits and giggles because I KNOW I won’t hear from them!) and noticed a message from a strange phone number. The message was from the St.A.PO! could I come in for an INTERVIEW! Well! Of course I can! (TO make this short because I’m pooping out and Bob said I’ll have to drive him to work in the morning…) No matter HOW… I AM GOING TO BE AT THAT APPOINTMENT TOMORROW! I’M NOT GIVING ANYBODY A CHANCE TO CHANGE THEIR MIND! I EVEN UP-DATED MY PROFILE ON USPS TO INCLUDE THE DISPOSITION NOTICES ON THE FUCKING BLOODY DIANE OLSEN BULL-SHIT CHARGES! SO MY DOCUMENTATION IS THERE! – Now for a nap. – I had dinner tonight… PORK! But it was food… for a change. – Gotta toddle to sleep… more tomorrow no doubt.
Fri.15.Nov: 5.34 I am the man who never has nothing to do. – I am awake. I am dressed. I have had my coffee. I have peed. I will see how the rest of this morning runs as it does so. I am not planning on… no… I AM rather planning on the mountain bike. (My brain just shut down for a moment. Very strange.) – And there is this morning’s entry as my bowels begin their little routine. – Well, if this PO job comes through, it will, I think, rather make things and plans and intentions a bit skewed. HOW-ever…. (and this is my resolve because I seriously doubt that this job will come through… rather, I expect it will FALL through), I will go to this interview, IF it actually comes to be, and I will TRY for this position because I would like to have it AND I will NOT be depressed nor disappointed if/when/should it not come. Angry/Mad/Pissed? Oh yes indeed. But certainly not depressed nor disappointed. You know? The more I think about it, the more sense it makes: I’m being punished for a crime I’ve been exonerated from, a crime that didn’t happen. I DO believe that since I’m being punished, for OVER a YEAR now, I actually, technically have the RIGHT to PERFORM a crime… after all…
I’ve done the time
I’ve paid for the crime
In Life, if you pay for something, it become yours, you have the right to possession. I’ve PAID for the crime so now it becomes mine, I have the right to possession BUT I never GOT what I paid for. SO now I need to figure out how to get what I’ve paid for… And when I do figure that out? I will leave this earth with a SIGH of relief and satisfaction. I’m “being angry”? Yes, fuckall, I suppose I am. I didn’t get this PO job this Summer because of a crime I didn’t commit. I haven’t been able to get ANY job because of a crime I didn’t commit. I haven’t gotten the call for the interview at the Rehab.. because of a crime I didn’t commit. Work that I’m perfectly qualified for, have experience in, am able to perform… I can’t get. And today, now? I’m behind in my rent, EVERYTHING I have left in life is about to be AUCTIONED off, I have no gloves, shoes, coat… art, writing, blankets, dishes, nothing nothing nothing and I can’t save any of it because? Because I’m being punished for OVER a year for a crime that NEVER happened… whilst Diane Olsen has gone on with her life… as though a crime NEVER happened. Yup. I suppose one might say “angry”. But soon… that will be over and done and Ms. Olsen can sit proudly knowing that a “crime” will have been committed… MURDER! in fact. You can look me up in the Obits.
11.11 I am dressed, in black jeans and grey flannel shirt. I am showered. I am ready to head out the door to the Rail Trail and on to an interview for a job. Bob is in his bed. Lyle is asleep on the sofa down-stairs. Randy is sitting on his miserable faggy arse on his bed. The car is out front of the house. I didn’t get to make a wash this morning. I’ve been up from since about 5.30 but there …. Bob just came in to say that he’s quite ill today and… well… leave it to me… I have the car so… I’ll have to re-dress. OK. So is this a “good” omen or a “bad” omen? For me? Maybe I should just remove the trousers… one way or another SOMETHING is going to shoved up my rectum… Oh, and Bob said to tell him before I leave so that he can give me a cheque to help with the storage! Yup… this one’s gonna be the BIG one. – 12.30 I’m dressed. Ready to go. Don’t have to leave for at least another hour. But I’m ready. Bob gave me a cheque to help with storage. 50. Now I’m in their debt 750$. I don’t know if storage will take the 50. I don’t know if I’m going to get this job. I don’t now anything about anything at this point other than: if no job… HOME. I’m tired. My eyes feel puffy. But, we do what it is we do simply because. The worst of it all is that I’m not sure how to handle “kindness”. Isn’t that just bloody sad? It’s setting me entire being off. – Oh. There are 2 bags of pellets in the living-room. Randy got them. I wonder… I just wonder… I think I should… I’ll close this journal for a while. Somebody’s reading it. I can see that from the hit counter. But who? I wonder. I wonder… I’m tired. I’m dressed and ready for an interview. I have an hour of extra time. People… kindness. I don’t understand. – 20.00 I’m actually in jammies and in bed already. Just broke down and, for the first time in a long while, I took 2 aspirins. Not feeling at all well tonight. (Probably the bacon with dinner… pancakes. But I was SO hungry!) – Well… the interview went rather well. Over an hour! And Dan R., the PM had the print-out… 23 July 2013! Old shit! But he knew of the Diane Olsen shit, he listened as I told him about it. He listened to all of what I had to say and he went through all the questions he had to ask. So? So the position is only for 4 hours, Saturdays. Not exactly rent, and certainly not a car payment. But at least it’s a JOB! And once I get one job, perhaps I’ll get another now. Especially if the PO will hire me. Meanwhile, I’m not putting too much confidence or hope into this. Plans are still as they always have been. And Sunday is supposed to be delightfully warm again. So? So… – Bob gave me the car with just about enough gas to get to and from the interview (I coasted along for much of the trip). I’d wanted to get to the market for something to eat, but didn’t dare, for fear of running out of gas. But tomorrow is Saturday, the weather is supposed to be “nice” and there’s Richford, where I’d rather put my dollars anyway. So there’s the plan for tomorrow (or Sunday… but one of those days at any rate). – Sent off a delightful e-mail to Nancy this evening. It’s good to be “back”. Why? Just because I don’t like and can’t stand any more bull-shit in my existence. And she’s been wonderful and supportive for the most part. And yes, her comment hit me hard and at the wrong time. But you know? Even with Fran things got ironed out and worked through and so, it’s nicer to have nice people than it is to not have them. There are so few left any more. – Dinner this evening was, for me, strained. I had to sit at table with Randy and I’m uncomfortable around him any more. Oh. He now has Winter coats. I don’t know where they came from but… Oh well. – And I did post the 50 to storage. It probably won’t help any. But I posted it. The time is running out for that. I’ll have to phone them on Monday! MUST! – Right now, the plan is to get some sleep. My left eye went weird again today with that blur round the edge. Blood sugar? Malnutrition? Macular degeneration? Who the fuck knows? I don’t much care, one way or the other. Blindness is just another reason to check out… along with the aches of tonight and all the rest. – In no particular order of anything, I mention that I’m still peeing in bottles in the room because walking out the door of this room sets that damned, useless “Chica” thing off. But nobody knows about that and Randy, in spite of the fact that he’s aware of the annoyance that shit causes, does precious little-to-nothing to correct the issue. Well? It’s not my house. So? I just don’t bother with either of them. – And now, a few skips round the Internet, post this shit and I’m off to “lights out” for the night. Going to bed at this hour will probably put me at awake at some ridiculous hour of the morning. Maybe I’ll get up the nerve to toss a load of wash in the morning. There are some burlap bags that the rain and wind cleaned nicely that I’d like to wash and use for something. Maybe I’ll get them in and some clothes as well. AND… I have to re-pack the luggage to ready it to be dropped into the barn. If no trip to Richford tomorrow, I might just attack the 2nd floor of the barn. Why? Why not? – Right now I’m just feeling like shit. Bob was up all night vomiting. Hopefully there’s not a bug of some kind going round. I don’t have time or patience. – But any moment now… I’ll be in the dark and hoping for a coma-sleep through the night. – Mid-month and nothing exciting in the way of being gainfully productive. FML. – 22.17 I got carried away with the web-surifng. But no trouble… seems the alchies are getting into it at this hour. I believe Bob is probably in bed, since he’s been sick. But the other 2? Nothing to do all day so… – The aspirins seem to have done a little good and now it’s lights OUT! –
Sat.16.Nov: 7.35 Pee in the bottle. Coffee. No vit.C. Saving that because I’ll be running out soon. Went down for a smoke. Rather warm this morning, for a November day. But the strangest: This morning I have this odd feeling that I don’t belong here, in this house. It was a strange place when I came in from my smoke. There’s a part of me that feels “removed”. Just “removed”. When I woke, the very first thought of the day was that I want… WANT.. so strongly, to be back in Richford. My mind was there. Why Richford? I wonder that, many times and often. Something about Richford. Something. – As I smoked, the thought: I’m going to be a PMR again. And that was a joyful thought. But, unless I get a PM who needs, wants and takes time off, this will only bring about 48$/week. And now I have to worry about the Fed again… taking everything away. Always somebody waiting, with a hand in my pocket, to take… always somebody waiting… to take. This is why I still keep mind, heart and soul at… HOME. Yesterday morning I thought (again) of what Silas once said to me: “I have to admire you in a way. Knowing that you have the ability and all that you need to end it all at any time, you walk around with it, you have it with you all the time and yet you keep going. I don’t know how you do it.” You know something Silas? I don’t know how (or WHY) I do it either. I don’t know. But, if I didn’t have this with me all the time, I’d probably, simply, just go mad. – And so, another day begins. There are things to do, to be done, to occupy another day. And so, this is what I do. Distractions. That’s all they really are… distractions. – Nobody sees me cry, so nobody knows that I hurt. – I don’t cry any more. I’ve cried so much over the course of my life-time that I just can’t cry any more. I don’t even have the capabilities to cry… any more. I guess this is the difference between “angry” and “bitter”. I guess I actually have become… BITTER. And I just don’t give a shit. Not one bit of shit. – SO TIRED! at 17.19… but today, with the bit of warmth we got, I went and started to clean the up-stairs of the barn! Why? Mostly because I wanted to put some of the stuff from l’Atelier up and out of the way. But also, because it needed some attention and well, I’m the one who does these things. So, for about 6 hours, I moved stuff around up-stairs, then moved stuff from down-stairs to the up-stairs (mostly Summer gardening stuff). And now I’m tired and ready to fall asleep! isn’t that a shame? Bob and Randy just came back from where-ever they were (as if I care at all). And the house is … the ROOM is getting cold again. And I’m ready to shower and go to bed and fall asleep. But, it’s just a bit too early for that. – Anyway, at least something got “done” and “accomplished” today. The work is NO-where NEAR finished up there in the barn. But at least it’s been started and l’Atelier is looking a bit better for the effort as well. I even did something to block the North Winds… putting some windows next to that wall and stuffing some plastic into the spaces in the wood. Will it work? I doubt it. There’s that opening in the corner of the “room” that goes right out-side. But at least SOME-thing’s being done (on no budget…) – I broke down and went next door for some things to eat; WoopiePie, Coke, PopTarts (for later) and 2 small egg nogs (that taste like, I must admit, shit… more like milk and sugar than much else but it’s 800 calories per bottle so?). Good thing because I feel that will be all I’ll eat. – 17.28 Bob called up “Can you come down stairs?” Hmmm… – 19.14 AH HAH1! Well, for the first time in a good LONG while, I have to be honest and say that I’M IRP-FUCKING PISSED!!! Can I come down-stairs? Oh yeah… and for what? He went to BTV to get Randy’s shit to bring it up here to the house A.N.D…. I ENDED UP HELPING HIM BRING THE SHIT IN! And where was Randy whilst this was going on? In the kitchen… reading the sales fliers! FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUUUUUUUUCK ME!!! And to make it worse? As I came into the house with some shit, I leaned over to hug Dixie and as I came back up, Bob was leaning over For something and my hand hit HIM in the face and broke his glasses! Not bad enough I had to haul shit for that FAGGOT! SERIOUSLY? I’M RIP-FUCKING PISSED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING! Then Bob told me that he didn’t call me to help; he wanted me to see how much the car would hold! Well, on that front… certainly NOT my things from storage. But I didn’t expect it to. So … no prob there. – THEN! I no sooner got back up to the room and I get called “to dinner”. I did NOT want to eat… and Randy had thrown chicken patties and tater tots in the oven… I ate. Why? Because I’m fucking fed-up with the dogs getting the table food! Especially HIS little piece of shit. So? So I ate. Then had a smoke and boogied back up to the room to get some country music and watch CBC. – And I want to shower and go to bed. Tomorrow… RICHFORD! And I’m SO too happy about that! INDEED! – 21.38 Showered and in bed at last! As “The Trio” watched a movie, I watched “Qui Est Vous?” on CBC/on-line… Marina Orsini! She traced her family WAY back on both sides and the programme was SO wonderful! But of course it was… it was Marina Orsini! And my god! She went to English school in Québec, speaks wonderful French AND Italian! How I SO miss that… HOME. That’s the HOME I miss… well, a part of the HOME I miss. Anyway, so I missed the movie, missed watching the fag getting drunk. From as I see the bottle on the kitchen table, he bought himself a “jug” and is sitting, as if elle est LA MADAME DE LA MAISON now. Fuck-tard. Mais, c’est ben ça. Juste une autre raison pour mon départure d’icitte. Voyons! La marde! La saloppe! La CHIENNE! MAUDITE CHIENNE! OK then. – But you know, I must remember: He believes he comes from “the big city” (Burlington!) and has been used to having all the “conveniences” (as if) of living in “the big city”. He’d never been up here until coming here this Summer and now? Now, he’s STUCK in the house in this little village in the middle of nothing… stuck. His “life” consists of being too cold, being lonely, being miserable, wanting to “mate” and being unable to go any-where, any-how for any reason at all. He has his little mutt and that’s it. Period. I actually take JOY in the fact that I can sit here this evening and plan on getting on a bike tomorrow and going off to Richford. SCHADENFREUDE! In all it’s GLORY! INDEED! So, let Ms. Thang stuff her arse with attitude. Me? I’ll be on the road. AND, if choose to do so, I can take the Frelighsburg route back to Franklin tomorrow. Québec! Canada! Madame Choses can’t cross the border even in a car! STUCK again. And SCHADENFREUDE strikes again! PPffffttttt! (Not to mention: Tough shit and hard cheese.) – That, off my chest… They’re hunting for “food” down-stairs. Imagine? They just pissed away 700$ on groceries, only about a week or so ago and already they’re looking for food. Well, at least I can say… I don’t eat their food unless invited to do so and even then, I don’t eat much at all, at all. I have my ideas as to where the food goes… aside from the fact that Madame Choses will take portions too large, intentionally so as to give FOOD to the mutt. Oh well. – And to think that I feel guilty being here at all. All I do is yard-work, house-work and stay in this room… this room that nobody wants to be in because it’s always so bloody cold. I don’t take space in the rest of the house, I’ve washed my clothes and such about 5 times in 5 months and showered? Quite infrequently… and even then, pretty much only after working round the house (particularly in the barn). I don’t use lights often and even then, small wattages. I don’t make noise, don’t use much water. AND I don’t eat their food. Where-as, “others” washed so often that the machine had to be repaired, AND is/was responsible for the infestation of fleas in the house for most of the Summer because we refused to treat our little mutt for them. Food? Who the fuck knows what’s eaten during the course of a day. And I don’t particularly care. As I say… I’m not STUCK and I’m certainly NOT lonely. – I need to stop this entry. It’s purging, yes. But it does nothing conducive to a good sleep and a good sleep is what I need tonight. Tomorrow morning I think I might make a quick wash and then head out the door. Brenda won’t be in until 15.00 which is pretty much late at this time of year when the sun sets at about 16.30. But even if I leave here in the morning, hopefully before everybody wakes, I can take my sweetest time and enjoy the trip. It’s supposed to be up around 12° tomorrow! Youpie!
Sun.17.Nov:
| On 1 July 2013, I walked the entire South-to-North span of the town of Milton,VT and into the Southern part of St. Albans, VT. Today, my toe still looks like this. It has been painful, but I’ve not mentioned it to anybody. | ||
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8.56 I woke, at 7.00, with a dread feeling of doom. Something in general was “wrong” and was to go even more-so. Hopefully, the laundry that I’ve done is “it”. I washed 5 burlap bags… Blue Seal and “Shorts”… “Shorts” being from Moose Jaw and Montreal… and in the washing… the printing went. So, now I have very faded Blue Seal and the bags from “Shorts”? almost blank. Sad. I’m sad. Then, a check of the weather: rain, especially after 14.00. I want to get to Richford today. But a quick look out the window and the road is wet. So the “rain” has come along. A check of the satellite map and sure enough, a LARGE area of rain just to the West. Too close for a “comfort zone” in that. But the temperatures are supposed to be quite comfortable today. I don’t want to be around the house. – Storage is heavy on my mind this morning as well. FORBODING! That’s the word for this morning… FORBODING. – I wonder if storage will apply the 50 to the account and hold the rest of the proceedings. I wonder what the fuck is to come of everything… I just wonder. – Last night and this morning I was and am in the mind-set to just head to the border and go HOME. The rain is a consideration though. I don’t deserve to be cold and wet when I leave this shit. I do NOT deserve that! But I SO MUCH want OUT! NOW! TODAY. NOW! – And I don’t want to be around this house all day. I don’t want to be here. I don’t. R. makes me ill. And maybe it’s my personal issues coming into play, but it “feels” wrong, in general. – This morning, as I had my smoke as the clothes washed, a thought: I’m almost 60 years of age and STILL, my responses to certain situations are the same as a 6 year-old. I get hurt… deeply hurt… and all at odds with ME. Things are still internalised. Well, that report of many years ago, the report on Canadian suicides, claimed that Canadians internalise anger, remorse, sadness… Americans externalise, become aggressive. That’s why the suicide rate amongst Canadians is so much higher than that of Americans. Fine. But it’s still ever so painful, none-the-less, particularly when I KNOW that what I’m doing, my responses and reactions are “wrong” and inappropriate. I should be at a point in my existence where-by I can simply see matters as they are, work with and through and move on. But “blame” hits ME directly and inappropriate “guilt” strikes and it all gets internalised. Stupid, really. But then, as I think on it: “Disappointment” is THE top of the list. It’s not “expectation” at all. My “expectations” are always toward “disappointment”. It’s that little bit of “hope” that lingers in-side… the “hope” that what others do for others in times of “need”, others will like-wise do for me… and more often than not… they don’t. I don’t understand it. – When I was very young, parents of other kids would see to it that the other kids had proper shoes, jackets, clothing, food, dental, optical, time for fun and proper education. When I was very young, my parents (especially my “father”) didn’t bother with such things. My “father” was too involved making sure that his “mommie” had all that she wanted and thought of. As years went by, I got tossed, told I “had’ to leave the family. The other 3? They stayed “at home” with Mum and Al until: John wasn’t welcome in Monticello, but Mum got him a place, paid the rent/security/deposits/&c. and he got a house full of furniture, mostly from Oma’s; Cyndi got a nice studio flat, new furniture, completely furnished, rent/utilities/&c. paid; Joe got the same as Cyndi. When I left, I got 140$, a sleeping bag, pillow, card table, 2 folding chairs, clock-radio. John had a great job, great income, and a coke habit. Mum caught his rent up, car payment, utilities and food. I don’t know what the other 2 got along the way but I’d imagine it was quite similar. Me? I learnt to “fight” my way through EVERYTHING! A.L.O.N.E. And now, today, I’m very tired. – Others see me as “manic-depressive”. Others don’t know “me” and don’t know what I’ve been through. And others really don’t give a shit anyway. The World seems to not give a shit. Although, some find my past quite entertaining and amusing. – And now that the wash is done, I’m tired again. I should get me together and out of here NOW. I’m going to take a brief nap. – Tonight I look forward to “Tout le Monde En Palre” and laFlaque”. Tomorrow I look forward to… bad weather and… – I’m so tired… of “ALL”. – 9.24 Strong winds coming in! I’m already feeling TRAPPED!!! – 18.40 HUNGRY!!! Just SO BLOODY FUCKING HUNGRY!!! – Early this afternoon, Lyle and Randy went shopping (AGAIN!!!) leaving Bob and I alone in the house. But I went out to the barn to re-plant the hemlock tree that I’d potted over the Summer and, well, I headed up-stairs there and got carried away… I went for the terra cotta pots I’d put up by the window and there was a bit of sun-light coming through the barn-siding where it was loose. Brilliant! If I put a table in front of the openings (that are now covered rather well with clear plexi) I have a delightful work-space! Write. Draw. Just sit! It’s a bit warmer up there than it it down-stairs in “l’Atelier” so “work” never has to stop! (I hope the warmth will stay even through the colder days… I’ll see… the max is supposed to be 2° on Tuesday!) Well indeed! It gave me the encouragement to continue with the “clean-up” up there and so, I moved ALL the chairs (which are mostly “parts” but there are lawn-chairs… are every-were, they’re every-where… yes they are). I moved a LOT of shit around and about today! And the DUST up there is DISGUSTING! I raked the floor, thinking that wouldn’t kick up too much dust? WRONG! But it’s a delight to see the place come together… and I listened to my music whilst I worked so I enjoyed it tremendously. It was about 16.00 when Bob came back to fetch me for dinner. I wasn’t quite ready, it didn’t feel to be that late but… So I went into the house, washed my hands and sat with the rest at table to have spaghetti with them. I even joined them in a glass (half) of wine tonight! Bob toasted “To good friends and family”. I ate… only just enough to say that I sat at table and ate with them. When seconds were offered, (after the remainders had been put into a container for the fridge… HELLO?) I declined and as soon as I was done eating, I rinsed my plate, put it into the dish-washer and bolted for the door for the barn, to have a smoke, and to get out! I’m just uncomfortable in here of late. – Well, it was raining, it was too dark to work in the barn, so I returned to the house, up to “my” room to surf the Net. – On the GFM page I’ve put a request for help so that I can get some proper equipment/masks and the likes, to continue working up-stairs in the barn. This is killing me this time… The dust gets into the nose, the throat, the lungs. And I’ve been coughing it up rather regularly all evening. Clots! There’s no telling what the hell is in that old hay in that barn but what-ever it is, it’s coating my lungs now. Oh well… Kill me! (I should be so fucking lucky.) – 22..46 and as the wind beats against the window and I watch the little hummingbird feeder sway out-side in the dark, it’s time I got my eyes closed. The problem at the moment: hunger. SHIT! I’m so bloody hungry tonight. And only a few moments ago I heard Lyle hunting for something to eat in the “dining room/pantry/larder”. That “vent” hole in the floor of this room makes it impossible not to know. Not only from the sound, but from the light when it goes on in that room down-stairs. Food… Hopefully tomorrow will bring good weather and I’ll be able to get into Richford. Not that I’ll buy a lot of food there, but at least I’ll have SOMEthing to eat tomorrow. – Meanwhile, I got to watch LAFLAQUE and TOUT LE MONDE EN PARLE tonight! I’m tickled about that. I’ve missed watching those shows and tomorrow night? 30 VIES! Getting back to HOME a little at a time. – My eyes are beginning to burn. – I got my shower in at about 19.00, then got into bed to watch CBC on-line. I’ve been in bed ever since, save the few moments I went for a smoke. Oddly, at one point I drifted off a bit and as I did, my brain went right to work in the barn! Scary shit, that. (Oh, tonight the “h” key doesn’t want to function. This piece of sit lap-top!) Just goes to show: My brain won’t let me be idle, my body isn’t geared for it.
(It’s 1.42 on Tuesday, 19 Nov. My body has some-how gone into over-drive and I’m over-heating. Probably from my body trying to eat off itself. But, at any rate, I have a bit of catching-up to do with this Journal and so, since it doesn’t look like I’ll be asleep any time too soon…)
Mon.18.Nov: I want to vomit when I see the date! Especially since the phone call today, from the fuckers at StoragePost. They got Bob’s cheque but “it’s not enough”! Fuckers! Well, I’m not saying anything to Bob or Lyle about it (this lap-top is TRULY FUCKING UP RIGHT NOW AND PISSING ME THE JOLLY FUCK OFF! PIECE OF SHIT!). Actually, what I have done is already gone to the Social Media (FUCK THIS SHIT I HAVE TO POUND ON THE FUCKING KEYS!? FUCK THIS SHIT! JUST FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!) – (On Tue.16.39) This lap-top is such a piece of shit. I suppose I should be thankful that I have one at all. But still… when I think of how much I paid for this shit! I could have done SO much more with that money… especially now. – So… today: First thing this morning I was out and back in the up-stairs of the barn. There’s quite a bit of work to be done up there, and I’m really all into making a little “work-area” since there’s light coming in. But when I got there this morning, after last night’s wind and rain… the plexi had bowed and knocked stuff off the little ledge. Oh well. So I got to that matter immediately and put more plexi up and pretty much covered many of the openings. It’s no-where near where it’ll be comfy come the COLD snap. But it does keep the place a bit more protected against the weather. So I suppose that’s a plus. – THEN!!! I was rather determined to enjoy the space I’ve been working on so much and I broke out the 10z! WELL! THAT was rather “interesting”; it took longer to “set-up” than the entire episode! BANG! Finished! Oh well. At least I got the opportunity. And, I suppose it was “OK”. Not really good or anything. But “OK”. – After that, I was SO HUNGRY! But then, I’m SO HUNGRY most of the time. So, I broke-down and went next door… brought a box of donuts and more egg nog and 2 WhoopiePies and a bottle of Coke. Had a pie and the coke in the barn and went back up to work a little more. The sugar helps a bit. Not much, but a bit. I know my entire system is probably SO badly fucked-up with all the sugar I take in. But what the Hell do I care, one way or the other? I don’t. It won’t be for much longer. – As I worked, the wind kicked up a bit more and the cold front came rushing in. With-in moments, the temperature dropped and so I was all but forced to give–up on the barn-work and go inside at about 14.30 or so. Too early, but what the fuck? Better to be in the house and mildly chilled than to be in the barn and really cold. – Dinner tonight was really quite good. Randy tossed a “Shake and Bake” (pork seasoning on chicken… let there not be a moment in the house with-out something “pork”) and mashed potatoes and corn together. I had A (1) piece of chicken with 2 tablespoons of potatoes. Bob actually asked if I’d have enough. (No, not really, but it was something to say that I accepted the invitation to dine and I dined with the house-hold… the end.) Yes, I did leave the table QUITE, QUITE HUNGRY. But the less I eat, the less there will be of me to combat the BDM and that’s my TOP, TOP priority these days. – After dinner? Forgetting that it’s Monday and being more in tune with, I came back up-stairs to the chilly room and tonight I got to watch “30 VIES”! direct, on-line! WOO-HOO! It’s different, watching it on this shit-top,but still… I enjoy the programme and I’m getting to watch it! As I did, the others watched TV in the living-room… BBC America. At one point, when I went down, Bob got to talking about not feeling well of late and being concerned that the other evening, when he had such terrible sweats and neck pains, that he’d had a heart attack. I find it rather interesting: I’m the one moving and lifting all the heavy shit in the barn and inhaling all of that dust from the 40-year old hay and cow shit, my nose is FULL of BLACK, SOOTY “ick” and I itch terribly after. But I say nothing…
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I am asked to bring in the pellets for the stove that provides THEM with the heat and does nothing to keep this room warm. And tonight I was asked to go out and brush the vent. But it seems they worry about having heart attacks and the likes. (In all honesty I have to add: Lyle? Rather a bit like me to some extent. Tonight, his blood sugar was up over 500 and he says nothing. But then again, I rather think that he and I would be just as happy to simply keel and drop.) ANNddd so. That all said, Bob’s made an appointment to be tested for the heart attack… tomorrow. How nice… for him to be able to do such a thing. (Of course, I don’t want to know. There have been some really “concerning” moments over the course of the warm weather as I hauled. But… what I don’t know I don’t give a shit about. – After 30 VIES I watched a bit of “Tout Le Monde En Parle”. MISSED the part I’d wanted to see: Petula Clark… speaking French! But I did get to enjoy most. And then, it was into the shower and into bed by 20.30. – I cleaned a bit more music up in the iPod. Things are coming together. I’ll have to get the “Fin du Monde” list together… VERY, VERY SOON! – And that almost brought this day to a close…. save the fact that… (Tue.10.Nov.)
Tue.19.Nov: 00.32 Still awake and sitting on the bed, fucking about with the music on the iPod and noticing the SO SO SO MUCH MUSIC IS MISSING!!!! the wind hit the North window and I swear the air smells of SNOW! A quick check of the météo shows 4° and the “index” is minus1. The “warmth” is now passed…again. – My primary concern is that I’m not really tired enough to fall asleep yet! There were moments during the day when I could have had a lie-down and slept. But now, when the time to do so is here… I’ve finished the donuts and egg nog and, well… here I am… awake… and hating it. – 16.30 I woke to th 6.00 alarm and crawled back under the blankets this morning. But by 8.00 I was awake and up and about. – It’s been a “quiet” day… and I’ve been alone in the house from since abut 14.00 or so. Bob needed to go for an EKG (imagine that), so the 3 of “them” went into St. Albans. I was asked if there was anything I needed there… not if I wanted to go with. But then, I never say that I want to go when they go. So I guess it’s taken for granted that I don’t want to go. Still… to be asked? Never mind. I used the time to adjust the windows in the room so that there’s a little less draft. I Hoovered the place well today. I need to re-pack things as well and prep them for the transfer out of the room. At the rate things are going, come the “thaw” I’ll be “in the hills” of HOME. – Other than that, I put the music on the iPod together again. There’s SO much missing… AGAIN! And this morning I realised that I’d bought much Steve Riley and THAT’S gone! Fucking Apple and Mac products. Really. I actually paid for that music and it’s gone. So? So I have no qualms about “boot-legging”. Too bad I can’t get the Steve Riley back. Oh well… – And there were a few flurries today. Yes, the temperatures DROPPED! The winds kicked up so I really wouldn’t have gone into Richford today anyway. But I MUST tomorrow, I should think. It’s going to be cold… no gloves. But… Hey! I don’t ask for the car and I don’t ask for a lift and I don’t ask for anything, really. – Oh, this morning, at about 11.00, when I went out for a smoke, Randy was baking a cake. Something where the cake is made, then holes poked into it and banana pudding poured over the whole. But… baking? I don’t think he understands… propane. None of my business. He’s got run of the place… I don’t. I don’t want it and I do nothing to approach it. – I’m a little tired now. It’s already getting rather dark. I just had to put the lampe on. Just think… in just over a month, a little over a month, the days will begin to lengthen again. Not too shoddy. Still, those beginning days are the coldest. I don’t think too much on it. I don’t expect to be “here” for many of them anyway. – Catch-up time for yesterday…. – Oh, since hunger hit and the other 3 are out on the town and will, in all likelihood eat whilst they’re out and about, I grabbed the 4 left-over pancakes in the fridge I had all to do to swallow them! But it’s better than nothing at all… I suppose. – 17.09, house still quiet and empty and I’m pooping out for the day. – No word from the PO and no reaction to my Twitter concerning the storage. So… another day comes to a close… a close… a close. At least I ate the left-over pancakes. 4 pancakes that I tried to get down quickly, plain. They were dry and difficult to swallow, but I managed. And then? Washed all the dishes that were in the sink and put them up. – My suspicious were verified when the guys came in at about 17.00. They’d eaten whilst they were out. Bob offered the left-over chicken from last night’s dinner. He also reported that he did not have a heart attack. – They’d gone shopping as well. TJ Max. Little “things” that, well… a vase, some little ornaments. Randy got new slippers. Chica got a sweater. And then, they got into the cake that Randy had made this morning. A piece was cut for me. White cake with banana pudding, sliced bananas and whipped topping. A piece was cut for me… a portion. I had it (quite delicious… and more sugar, as if I needed that) and then a piece of chicken. “Intake” for the day. – I took the dogs out again. I do that. And then I retired up to watch a bit of “30 Vies”. When that was over, I got back into the iPod music. More is missing, or not, I’m no longer sure. Can’t keep track of it any more. Partially because of duplicates, partially because I don’t know the system of filing and what gets filed where and what happens when I delete something duplicated. Oh well. My brain is probably rotting in my skull at this point. Makes no difference, really. – Checking the e-mails and such, no “bad news” as yet. But I’m sure it’s coming. I don’t like checking e-mails any more. I check, mostly, to see if there’s any word from the PO. There’s a “drug test” to be ordered before employment. But what I expect to receive is the notice that I’ve been “disqualified”… again. I told Dan all about everything and he thanked me for being forth-right. But, experience has taught that that means nothing any more and that , in spite of being exonerated by the State the Postal Service still holds me “guilty”. There is a constant “DOOM” and “destruction” hovering over me… constant. – Tonight, for some reason, when I got into bed (at about 20.30) I took a look at Nora Eisenberg’s blog. She has had a WordPress blog for almost 5 years or more that she really hasn’t put much into. But it occurred to me: Adding yet more information about me on-line will push other things farther away… things like the Margot shit… on a search. So! I began ANOTHER blog! One for me, with middle initial, for the writing, for the book. A bit on the “elegant” side, something pleasant to look at. I put quite a bit of work into this one and will work more on it. I’ll take the Tumblr information and include much of that in there. I’ll be ALL OVER the Internet! Nothing directly indicative of location. But it will show more positive information than negative. And, when I tell people that I was working on a book, the evidence will be ALL over the place. Like-wise, it will negate the negative. (Or so I should hope… Hope… what a fuck that is.) Eventually? Eventually. Probably 3 years after my carcass has rotted. – It was another restless night. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to get to sleep at night. I doze and snooze all through the day now, but when it comes time to lie down and sleep, my body and mind go into some sort of anxious mayhem, Bedlam, total Hell. Earlier today, as I stood out back having a smoke, I thought: I need to get to some place where I can be alone, where my dead arse won’t present trouble for or to any-one else. I have to leave this house. I should have had done with all of this in Richford… when I had the chance. I’m incredibly, hopelessly stupid… gone so far beyond obtuse. I shouldn’t be “here” today, now, writing this. I should be “gone”. And now I wait for a better day so that I can have done with it all. There truly is no reason or cause to continue. But I do… and I don’t know why. “Why” is a fuck. And the more I ponder it, the more it becomes obvious, and driven deeper into my brain matter: My existence, or non-existence, makes absolutely no difference, no matter to anything, any-where to any-one. That’s even been proven on-line: You see… there are stories of folks who have posted matters on-line and the masses rush to the rescue, to help. I am not one of those folks. I post pleas, sincere pleas, on Twitter, Tumblr… on the GoFundMe and, save for Nancy… nothing. I’m UN-important. It is, as my father said so many years ago when I was still too young to actually understand… “You’re being alive or dead makes no difference in the World. If you live or die doesn’t matter. Nobody cares and nobody will care.” Wow, when you think about it. He didn’t care, he told me the World wouldn’t care… and he was right.
Wed.20.Nov: 8.23 Minus3 going up to 2° today, North winds of 5km/h and sunny in the forecast. – Just coming in from a smoke and those days I really wasn’t looking forward to have arrived. It’s rather almost bitter cold and today I have to get out to Richford… It should prove interesting today. The sun is shining, and the hills across the road are grey with frost. The trucks in the dealer-ship across the road are a bit crusty with frost. I should be on the road by 10.00, so I’m hoping there’ll be enough sun to take the chill out of the air by then. – I was awake, again, until about 2.00 this morning, working on the new blog… This time, inspired by Nora Eisenberg’s blog. A blog dedicated to the writing. Ah, the writing. I wake this morning with the anxieties of losing everything in storage… including all the original notes from the book, all the art work that could bring in money, the clothes, the warm clothes, the blankets bought at Goodwill. Everything. I wake this morning with a horrible pain in my stomach. My body is literally eating it’s self at this point. I know this. But there’s nothing to be done about it. Nothing at all. – 15.33 Following about 4 hours in the upper barn, I am chilled right through to the bone. And the thought that sticks in the mind is that when I headed out this morning, Lyle and Randy were in the kitchen. Lyle came past me to the “pantry” to get a bagel and then went into the kitchen to ask Randy if he wanted one. Well, of course, he did. And they had their toasted bagels. Me? I wasn’t even asked anything other than “What are your plans for the day?” known that I was headed out to the barn… THEIR barn, to continue cleaning it. It speaks TOMES on where I stand in this house-hold and how much is considered. So when I got to the barn, I immediately took to sweeping and picking-up the old hay and such… in the clouds of dust, and actually not bothering to avoid inhaling anything today. In fact, today? I rather hoped that there are all sorts of horrible micro-organisms and the likes in the dust and that they’ll make their way deep enough into my respiratory system to do what-ever damage they can do… and I hope they do-so quickly… like during this week. I’m looking forward to a major break-down of bodily systems… especially the immune system. – And now a hot tap-water coffee with creamer following a rapid 10z (and it was rapid). – When I came into the house, Randy is making a wash and preparing green peppers (presumably for dinner). I still have a pound of beef in the freezer (I think). I’ll never get to eat it, and they’ll either let it freeze-burn or they’ll toss it in with cheap shit and make meat-loaf or something stupid. Alas… I don’t give a shit at all. – Made a little trip to the next-door market for frosting, a WhoopiePie (which I’ve eaten), bottle of Coke and a pack of smokes. Tomorrow morning, off to Richford! I don’t want to spend one more cent next door. Actually, I don’t want to spend another moment in this town but that’s not an issue to ponder. I want and need a place where I can be alone… to check-the-fuck-out of all… ALL of this shit. – A quick glance in the mirror: I’m almost grey of palour right now. Eyes looking rather sunken. I’m actually tired (and Lyle is asleep on the sofa in the living-room). Oh, and when THEY woke this morning, there was a complaint of it being too cold in the house and that Bob probably put the stove down “way low”. Odd… “my” room is chilly all the time and even when I came in from the barn it was just about as cold in the room as it is in the barn. Lyle said “I know he’s watching our purses, but I can’t stand it so cold in here.” It was MUCH warmer in the rest of the house than it is in “my” room. (Last night, Bob gave me some plastic and a staple-gun to seal the North window. I often wonder: it seems Bob is more sensitive and compassionate. Well, if that’s the case, so be it. In any even, I’ll be checking out next good day. I won’t have anything left since storage will be gone. So? Time to-oo-oo-oo say ‘fuck-off’. – Now to check e-mails and the likes, entertain me for a while and decide when to shower. My body itches SO much! – 20.51 SHOWERED! I shouldn’t have to be so thrilled about a simple thing like bathing, but… I’m SHOWERED and feeling rather good about it. Tomorrow, I’ll have to wash the clothes before taking off for Richford… RICHFORD! I’m looking so forward to that. – This evening, round about 17.00 or so, I took a smoke and took Dixie out with me. (I do that almost every time now, because she loves it so much… I don’t know how or why she’s become so attached to me and Lyle tells me that she used to be attached to him the same but he struck her or something and, well, things changed. To me, she’s just as dedicated to him but I don’t have any comparison.) When we came back in, the table was set for 4 and the 3 were already eating. I wasn’t asked to join, but since the place was set, I did. Stuffed peppers, left-over mashed potatoes, corn. And the peppers were actually VERY delicious! I had one… the smallest I could see, and about 3 tablespoons of the potatoes. When I’d done, Bob asked if I’d had enough and said “If you walk away from out table hungry it’s your own fault.” Truth is… there was SO MUCH food but I simply can’t… To be quite honest: I’d swear my stomach shrinks when I sit at table; I eat that little bit and truly? It becomes an effort. As I say: I don’t contribute, I don’t eat. – After, Lyle and I had a piece of cake. Lyle cut one for me. Bob had had a piece for breakfast. It’s almost gone. It’s quite interesting that there’s any left at all. But that will be taken care of over-night I’m sure. – Then, after dinner, a quick smoke and… “30 VIES” again tonight! It’s still strange to watch on this shit lap-top, and the speakers (speakers?) on it are shit, but I get to watch!!! And I enjoy it. – When I went out for my last smoke of the day, the yard was sparkling with frost. The temperatures didn’t get high enough today to get rid of all of last night’s frost. This is how Winter comes… a frost, a melt, a frost, a partial melt, a frost, very little melt, the ground gets colder, the air gets colder and the next thing you know… Winter. If I have to make an igloo at HOME, so be it. No matter. – And so, Randy showered. I showered. Randy has clean bed linens and is in house-robe watching TV in the living-room. I am on bed, in sweats with hooded sweat-shirt. I’m having a bit of frosting before bed (hoping the sugar will set me over the edge and I’ll sleep well and early enough tonight… I have an early start to the day tomorrow). – And… as is always the case: soon I’ll have nothing again… nothing at all. And no help to save any of it. (No word from the PO about the job either… I wonder about that.) – 21.06 and the dogs… BARKING! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT? And nobody does anything to correct it. I need some peace… I need to get HOME!
Thu.21.Nov:
If you’re traveling in the north country fair
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline
Remember me to one who lives there
For she was once a true love of mine.
Well, if you go when the snowflakes storm
When the rivers freeze and summer ends
(as I rounded the bend along the North Branch)
Please see for me if she’s wearing a coat so warm
To keep her from the howlin’ winds.
Please see for me if her hair’s hanging down
If it curls and flows all down her breast
Please see for me if her hair’s hanging down
That’s the way I remember her best.
Well, if you’re traveling in the north country fair
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline
Please say hello to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine.
If you’re travelin’ in the north country fair
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine.
And so, I chatted with Abbie, stood out-side the store for a while longer, looking, just looking and being “happy” being there, thinking of when I “lived” and resided there… and how much I miss it. I had 3 packs of cigarettes with me now. I believe these will be the last I buy. I’ll finish these at HOME. It’s easy to plan and to think and to be and feel that now. Storage Post will take care of the disposal of all of what little I have left of my existence on Earth. Somebody will greedily snatch it all up, rummage through it and throw it… throw me… away. And as the little bits of the evidence of my existence are scattered to where they mean nothing any more… the rest of me will be scattered and eventually disintegrate and I’ll mean nothing and I’ll pass into … well … oblivion and beyond. Eventually, there won’t even be a memory of me. And that’s fine by me. – Today, I just didn’t want to come back to Franklin. I wanted to stay. As I passed back along the North Branch, on the return, just beyond the little white house at the sharp corner, I thought of the 2 jars in my back-pack. I carry them with me always now. And I SO was at peace… PEACE with the idea of simply leaving the bike at the road-side with a little note to tell where it should be returned to (Bob), walking off the road and through the woods to HOME. I could find a stand of ever-greens, find a nice place to sit quietly, sip my martinis, and as the day sunk into the darkness (it was already about 16.00 and the sun was setting… even though hidden behind the North Country Winter clouds), I could quietly drift away. Quietly drift away as “the winds hit heavy on the borderline”. Truly, the only thing that kept me on the road today: the bike isn’t mine and I needed to return it. The ONLY thing that kept me on the road today. – Well, the travel back was rather delightful. I made it to the Middle Rd. as the day actually went into darkness. There are so few hours of day-light now. But it was marvellous! travelling through the dark on the dirt road, beneath the trees, through the woods, past the few houses with their lights on. I took my time, no rush, and walked quite a bit of the trip this time. No rush. I just don’t fucking give a tiny shit any more. No sense in giving a shit any more. Just no sense. Resolution. I’m fine, I’m good, it’s all good. I thought of Tony’s “review” of the book “one man’s proposed experience” or something like that. Fucktard. “Proposed”? The word is inappropriate. He tries to appear intelligent and fails, in public, on a global scare. “Proposed”? No “proposal” at all… “Actual”, you retard. But, as I thought about it: he paid for the book, so I made a bit of something on it. (And that was supposed to be posted to my account at the Credit Union already and still hasn’t been… It’s not enough to change my situation at this point, and it will just be more that will be left behind to cause some little commotion when it all just sits there, in the account, doing nothing. HEY! The book will remain for sale, maybe it will continue to sell, the money will be posted to the account and I… fuck it, really. Let it sit there, doing nothing. Fuck it… really.) – As I pulled into the yard, there was a car parked out front. I came in just as the stout young man got out of the car and looked at the house. I sensed… I was correct… I ignored. I brought the bike to the barn, had a cigarette in the darkness, admired the Big Dipper, lower in the Northern sky now. I walked round the front of the house… Bob/Lyle’s car was here now. I sensed… I was correct… I ignored. I came in the back door, passed the living-room, said “Hello” to all. Bob asked “You’re home?” I corrected “I went home.” “To Canada?” “No. To the ‘home’, upper-case H,lower-case o,m,e.” and we left it at that. I was half-introduced as the “other house-mate”, we chatted a small bit about the beauty of the Middle Rd, finding princess pine, Bob told that Randy made soup for dinner and I came up to the (cold!!!) room for the night. I’ve no connection to/with people. – 21.02 In bed. Watched 30 Vies. B,L&R had “company” for the boudoir. No interest on my part AT ALL. Wasn’t even invited. But grateful for that. But Ellie HOWLED! to the point where I wanted to kick her in the head, crack her skull. Howling and whining because she couldn’t get into the room! Lyle calls her “Ms. Howlywood”. I call her useless and annoying. – 2 smokes – Just had 2 small bowls of soup, so I’ve eaten something. Fuckit! – Company just leaving. – I’m tired. Working on collecting poetry for next book. WTF Y not? eh? – When I no longer write… le Pinacle.
(The photos aren’t mine but they’re so beautiful I just had to include them.)
Fri.22.Nov: 8.53 It was another sleepless night last night and being awake until almost 2.00 this morning. Well with-in the grasp of Depression. But I stayed awake, copying the prose from the sites, the blogs, as they are, to be edited for publication. A new book is in the makings and it will be published before this month is gone. – And as I woke this morning, to the rain, I thought: What a wonderful turn of events that I went Home yesterday. I would have been sorely disappointed, had I waited until today. And with that thought, the memory of the trip and how, at that one point along the Richford Rd., how ready I was to simply walk off the road and up into the rolling hills, into the wood-line, under the trees, and to quietly sip the BDMs… at last. And this morning, the calm of that is still very much with me. The book, then the celebration of the next book. – There is work to be done today. “Final” work. – 10.04 It’s not really all that cold out today, the rain is still falling. Forecast is for a change to snow in the coming days. I’ve caught-up with yesterday’s account and my fingers are so cold! My stomach is growling. I had 6 PopTarts last night. There’s nothing, save 10 more PopTarts to eat. I’d really like a hot coffee, but don’t dare to go to the loo for hot water, lest I wake Lyle. And if I wasn’t here with other people… I’d simply work on the book and sip a martini today. – 21.04 In bed. Just finished washing the pots from dinner (which I had and ate well tonight… good thing too) and had my last smoke of the day. The day… spent most of it working on the prose collection for the next publication. Why? I don’t really the fuck know. But, I did it. Re-worked my pen sketches from the days on the Hudson, the “Margot” days. I’ll include them in the final publication since it’s probably going to be only about 50 pages or so and won’t be marketed for a lot of money. Doesn’t make much difference anyway… in 3 packs of cigarettes I’m checking-out of this, the whole “this”. – And so, the other 3 have formed their “bond” with last night’s little “affair”. They’re down in the living-room, watching TV together and getting drunk. As I was finishing the dishes, Bob came into the kitchen to cut some noshes. I finished the dishes, put on my sweat-shirts (plural) and went out for a smoke. No “invite” so no participation. I don’t go to where I’m not invited. And this is SO blatantly obvious that I don’t belong with the rest of them. When we were out in the yard, by the fire, I fit in. I built and maintained the fire and when Randy or Lyle got too shit-faced to navigate to the back door of the house I fit in because I was there to direct, guide, encourage and pretty much carry them. I fit in when I can “work”. But it’s always been that way. Well, the World will have to do its own work in just a little while from now. I won’t be around to lift, drag, haul and all the rest. As for a drink? I would LOVE one tonight. It’s raining, I’ve worked my eyes into a hell-fire and it would be a delight to just un-wind. But you know? I have my “drinks”… in my back-pack. And when I sit and sip, I’ll be relaxed and enjoy… and I’ll enjoy them even more-so because when they’re finished, there’ll be no “work” to be done… none for me, anyway. – It’s been over a week since the application to the Re-hab. No word. It’s been exactly a week since the interview with the PO. No word. Nothing at all, so I’m done even thinking about those. – OH! BUT! Tomorrow? It’s been a taken-for-granted that I’ll be there to move Lyle’s Dad’s furniture. He has to move and of course, nobody else is “healthy” enough to do all that. So, guess who gets to do it: Yup… the fucking work-horse. Fine. As I say: let them abuse now, it won’t be much longer. Shit, if it wasn’t raining right now, I’d be out the door and on the road to… HOME right now. This is all enough and too much. I’m at the end… THE END. – So tonight I’ll wrap the day up WELL BEFORE 1am, hope for some dead-sleep. Tomorrow I’ll bust my arse and back for somebody else who’ll just take it and me for granted and let the rest of the day go to shit. It all makes absolutely no difference anyway… not in the long run… not in… THE END. – PS: Randy’s already shit-faced. How charming… for him.
Sat.23.Nov: SNOW*** ACTUALLY SNOWED THIS EVENING*** Today, John came by for a while and while he was here, he asked if I’d be insulted if he offered me a Winter coat. Says he, he has one and has never worn it. When I kiddingly asked why his answer was “It’s the kind of coat people in Richford wear.” I don’t know what that was supposed to mean but… Later this evening, Randy told me that he (John) said that he hoped he hadn’t insulted me or hurt my feelings for offering the coat or for the remark about Richford. As if I give a shit. I appreciate the offer. It’s a delight to hear. Will I wait for it? I’m not quite THAT stupid… yet. – HOW-EVER… I DID go along with Bob to help Lyle’s Penny and Bruce move Lyle’s Dad’s furniture out from where he’d been residing these past several months. *I* helped Bruce move an incredibly heavy safe, and *I* brought the furniture out of the building to the car. Why do I even mention that? It’s “expected”. But for the first time, as I stood on the front lawn of the residence, I looked across the Champlain to the Adirondacks and today? I was a bit “home-sick” for… New York. Yes, I do miss New York… the State, not the city. It was a bit painful to look over there… across the lake. Painful. – When all was done and the trailer packed, Bob and I made a stop at the market to get vegetables for Thursday’s dinner and then a stop at Tractor Supply for kitten food. And, it was back to the home-stead where I worked more on the book (returned to working on the book since that’s what I’d been doing before running off to be a “good guy” (fuck me please thank you). – Today the letter from Franklin Re-hab came: no space for me in the LNA class. Imagine that. I have MORE BLOODY-FUCKING YEARS OF EXPERIENCE in that work and they have no room for me. They’ll hold the application for a year and they have classes regularly. Right! They don’t have to “teach” me anything but… what the fuck? I can’t help but think it’s more of the Diane Olsen bull-shit. One of these days I’m going to find my way back down there, stroll quietly into the lobby of that fucking motel and punch her in the face with everything I have. I look forward to that moment. I’ve been paying for two years for her bull-shit. The Federal courts tossed the whole issue but I’m still paying. So, since I’ve paid for the right to slam-pound the bitch, I’m going to collect! Vow. – Dinner… at 22.00! NOTHING all fucking day! A bowl of soup and because I had the opportunity, I tossed a bit of tuna salad in the soup bowl. “Meal”. Intake for the entire day. – HOWEVER… when I’d done eating, I washed the dishes and had the opportunity to pour me a drink! Half Randy’s rum and half Bob’s vodka with the smallest splash of Coke for colour. I downed it before anybody could come in and notice but then Randy came in, already a bit shit-faced and offered. So, I poured a REAL screw-driver! The orange juice hit my stomach and made it wrench. But I finished it… all! – And then it was time to “retire” so I came up to bed and fucked about the Internet for a while… after doing just a little more work on the book. – Lights out at 3.00 on Sunday morning. – Another day of unadulterated bull-shit. I’m such a total retard… a useless retard.
Sun.24.Nov: 11.07 Woke at 10.30 this morning to the lap-top still playing “Girl From The North Country” by Eddy Vedder. I’d fallen asleep listening to it last night (this morning). Yesterday’s snow was being 
BLOWN ABOUT IN THE WIND! THE WIND! The wind was so strong that it made the picture on the North wall of the room move! And COLD? SNAP-COLD today! When I went down for my morning smoke I was feeling shitty and realised… I was rather drunk from last night’s binge! HAH! Fuck the world. But I was feeling like complete shit. Tired, Sour stomach. And my fingers were COLD all day! – As I worked on the book today, I had to un-install and re-install the soft-ware. The English version conflicted with the French version and NOTHING was getting accomplished. Fucking lap-top! – 11.57 COLD COLD COLD in the room! WIND slamming against the house. If you’re travelling in the North country fair, where the wind blows heavy on the border-line… “Blows heavy” my arse! It SLAMS! I HAVE TO PEE BUT I DON’T DARE OPENT HE DOOR TO USE THE LOO FOR FEAR OF MAKING THE DOGS BARK AND WAKING BOB. AND I DN’T WANT TO GET UT FRM UNDER THE BLANKETS ANYWAY. But I will get up and pee… in the V8 bottle. Imagine: confined to the room to pee in plastic bottles because of being so fucking considerate. I send out invitations to be fucked. – Well, as the day closed, I spent most of it working on multiple edits of the book and it’s STILL not complete! – The three of THEM went shopping for most of the day so I had the house to ME! Note: I wasn’t even asked if I’d like to go. They just left. No words. Just left. Shows how much I account for round the place. (Work and clear the barn, mow the lawn, tend the gardens… then just stay the fuck away. Usual.) – I spent most of the day feeling like total shit but trying to work on the book. I’d like to publish tomorrow… Viv’s birthday. Hopefully… – I gave Fran a call via the e-mail. Left her a message… See? There I go again… thinking of somebody else and trying to keep somebody else cheered. Fuck me, eh? – The three came back round about 17.30 and threw chicken pattie and chips on for “dinner”. I ate… not well, not well enough, but I ate… something. – And now it’s VERY VERY COLD OUT. Snow BLOWING all over the place. – Sent an e-mail to Nancy this evening and now, at 23.38, I’m going to try for some sleep in this BITTER COLD room. – Life and Living are nothing but an annoying burden.
Mon.25.Nov: 7.14 This morning, my life is Hell. I woke at 6.00 with the alarm and got right into the editing of the book. I’m at the 10th edit and all is simply fucking up. The “Auto-Correct” is on, the “Auto-Complete” is on, the borders on the pages won’t take for all the pages. It’s pissing me off. I had to un-install and then re-instal the soft-ware for Open Office. I’d tried to install it twice: French and English versions. That did nothing but confuse the lap-top. So, yesterday, I wiped everything out and started from scratch. I want this thing published TODAY! – And this morning it’s bitter cold in the room. So much so that I actually have the door open, I’m wearing THREE sweat-shirts as I sit on the bed, covered in sheet, sleeping-bag, table cloth and the canvas “OWS” banner. My fingers are so cold that they don’t register on the finger-pad so the cursor doesn’t move half of the time. This is misery. – Stepped out for a smoke. BITTER, SNAPPY COLD! And the 2 windows that have the storms down are covered with frost. I used to SO LOVE the Winter. I hate it now. – Thursday is “Thanksgiving”. I’ve nothing to contribute to the meal or the holiday. Christmas is coming and I’ve nothing to give, nothing to contribute. I should simply acknowledge that Chanukah isn’t going to be recognised and more than the pork meals. But I’m not wired for that. I just keep thinking that I MUST be OUT and AWAY before Christmas comes. And last night I over-heard Bob tell Randy that he’d gotten Randy new socks… for Christmas, but that he gave them now because Randy needs them. My “place in the house-hold” is established and … well, the work I’ve done accounts for nothing. Oh, how it is SO time to get the fuck out of all… ALL of this. – And today is Viv’s birthday. I have no idea where she is, how to contact her. And I miss her so very much. Especially these days… especially since I’m so relatively close by. – And now? To add to all of this? I’m tired… TIRED and hungry and my bowels are starting. Going to the loo? It’s COLD in here, the cat’s at the door-gate, I want to nap already. I’m tired. I’m just SO tired. And I’m SO BLOODY COLD!
THE BOOK OF PROSE IS PUBLISHED! It’s already 24.09 but the book went out on-line. Now I’m just waiting for it to become “live” and up for sale. I don’t expect it to sell at all, but it’s nice to know that it’s out there. It’s the only prose I have left out of my entire life-time. Depressing as all Hell, that. But then… that’s the rule of the times now. Not that I’m depressed in any way. Disgusted and disappointed, yes. But certainly and by no means am I depressed. Just looking forward to the better weather at this point… and a trip… THE trip HOME. Nothing left to keep me here. I can’t help but believe that it’s the way it was meant to be: everything that has been “me” is gone, so there’s nothing left. And I’m not abut to start over. Not worth the effort. And to support and substantiate that statement is the lack of support for l’Atelier, never mind the help to keep the storage. So? Truth and Fact:: I’ve simply served my time and it’s now time to leave. I’m comfortable with that. I’ll be out of the way and out of peoples’ hair. They can all celebrate. Me? Makes no difference one way or the other. I leave behind no legacy. I leave behind nothing to clutter the collective Creation. POUF! And that’s that. Worth nothing more than … probably even less than a road-kill squirrel. Has it been worth the effort? OH FOR FUX SAKE HELL NO! Not even one fraction of a nano-second of it. But anyway… so much for that. – There are two more “books” on this lap-top that I’ve started. I can entertain and amuse with those for a bit. I really should finish the afghan now so that somebody can get some use out of it (unless I figure a way to get it HOME with me… it’ll probably come in rather handy out there at this time of year… which reminds me: I have a LOT of work to get done with the packing and moving shit out to the barn! Why the barn? Well, in the first place, somebody might be able to get some use out of something I have… when and IF it’s ever found out there and in the second place, anything that gets put in the barn probably won’t ever be looked at… ever… until Bob and Lyle decide to sell the place). Long parenthetical, that. – Meanwhile, I did get to post a few Birthday messages to Viv out on the social media. Got a few e-mails from Nancy and replied. She too, is having one of “those periods” in her life-time. She, Fran… and who knows who else. But me? Hey! I keep thinking of all that I’ve ever done, most often to my own detriment, to help others. I’ve been thinking of how much I’ve given in time, food, clothing, housing, money… even to the fuck-tard sister and brother-in-law who all but literally stabbed me in the face and chest. What a complete and utter moron I’ve been! And what gratitude do I receive for any of it? Right where I am right now. Destitute. This evening as Lyle and I watched “Sleepy Hollow” and I went in search of a building they filmed in, I stumbled upon information on Riverdale and went back there for a while. Affluent little ghetto. I starved back then, taking excellent care of and for Margot Baldinger who, I will assume, believed with heart and soul that she was providing ME the “privilege” of residing in Riverdale. The bloody immigrant bitch. That boro is MY birth-right, not her’s. AND, she actually did think of everything I did as an “entitlement”. So? So… just as vanZini most likely viewed my taking time from my work to help him as HIS entitlement. Well… the days are done now. And soon, so to will even my existence. Let the World move along and on to the next fool idiot. This one is leaving the building. – This lap-top is fucking about now. Tonight the “O” key is refusing to work properly. I don’t ask “What next?” I don’t want to know and I don’t much give a fuck. – On other topics, the day went by quickly. Tonight’s meal was Italian sausage, fried potatoes and baked beans. I ate well-enough. But it’s all playing havoc with my guts. – I’ve finished all the Ensure that Penny gave. So much for that caloric intake. I spent about 3 hours with Lyle watching TV this evening and when I got up t have my before-bed smoke I noticed the pellet stove was empty! EMPTY! OK. As Bob says, Lyle and Randy are on medications and they’re prone to feeling the cold. And yes, it’s been quite snappy these past few days. But the pellets are going QUICKLY and this is only November. They’re going to be sad come the Winter months. (And I’ll be under the what-ever, not giving a shit at all.) There too… I haul the 40lb bags of pellets in from the “garage” and yet, I sit in this room wearing 3 sweat-shirts, a t-shirt, sweat pants and jeans and the hoods on the sweat-shirts on my head and I’m still chilled through. I wake in the morning, chilled. So I get no benefit from the pellets. Alas and oh what the fuck anyway. – Time to catch up with the previous days of this Journal… since I’ve rather neglected them and then off to try for some sleep. – Closing thought: every-one in the house knew how hard I was working on this new book, and how much time and effort I’ve put into it but when I said I’d sent it for publishing at long last? It would have been nice if somebody had said “Why don’t you have a drink to celebrate?” As always: I’m not worth it.
Tue.26.Nov: 11.12 Bitching rights: This morning I get the transcribed voice-mail from St. Albans… I have the PO JOB! Imagine that! BUT… I MUST GET INTO ST. ALBANS TODAY to complete the paper-work and such. Well! Imagine… It’s 36°F with a chill factor of 2°F, winds at 18mph, This is as warm as it’s going to get today and tnight? Rain, snow and sleet. Tomorrow? High near 40°F but RAIN! 100% preciip. for both days. Me. N Winter coat, clothes of any kind including shoes or boots, no scarves, sweaters, GLOVES… and my choices right now are a 6 hour walk with hoping for a lift if I take the main roads, or bike at 2-3hours (in spite of the Google shit that says 1,5hrs because I KNOW it takes longer) and that’s taking the Rail Trail with no chance of a lift to shorten the ride and the fact that there’s SNOW and ICE on the Rail Trail. – I’m going… I’m going to take the bike. Why? Because instead of saying I lost the job because I didn’t try, at least when I’m fucking dead or in hospital with all sorts of consumption or pneumonia, I can invite people to eat out of my diarrhoeatic shit-hole with a smile on my face and a song in my heart when I say “Well… look at it this way: You can’t say I fucked it up by not even trying.” and with that, close my eyes and got the fuck to bloody Hell which is where I’m destined one way or another. – These are the moments that nobody ever knows about, thinking that my existence is all so spiffy-hunky-dory, that I’m irresponsible, care-free, immature, daft and retarded. Nobody has EVER known the reality of my existence. But fuck me damn it all… I’m not keeping this shit to myself any longer. I’m not comparing with anybody else. I’m mere stating facts. And if anybody wants to confirm any of this… COME TO FUCKING VERMONT AND JUST WATCH. DON’T OFFER HELP. I KNOW BETTER THAN TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT. OH! And I do this today on NO FOOD! 12.43 Well hurry up and stop. I CAN’T bike into the PO today because the roads are slushy and by the time I get there I’ll be SOAKED! The Rail Trail is covered in snow and ice and so, again, because of no rear fender, I’ll be soaked! I can’t walk into the PO today because I don’t have 5-6 hours to get there. AND… when I phoned to see if I could go in tomorrow morning, the PM isn’t there and nobody knows if he went to lunch or for the day. Tomorrow is supposed to be ice and sleet. If Bob makes it into work, I’ll be in St.Albans by about 6.30. The PM doesn’t get in until 8.00 so I’ll be wandering for that time. But I’ll be there anyway. Then I can walk back since I don’t even have the dollar to get the jitney at 16.30. And as I sit here. showered and dressed to go, I look at all the trucks and cars at the market next door and I KNOW there are SOME people who are going in the direction I need to travel but here? In Franklin? It’s worse than NYC with the attitudes. I’d have NO trouble in Richford asking for a lift at least part of the way. Honestly… It’s all enough to make me want to puke… but then again, perhaps it’s a lovely day to go HOME? Two BDMs in the back-pack… waiting for me and me, here, at the very end of it all… I DO SO FUCKING HATE BREATHING! And I wonder, always, why I even bother trying any of this shit. It makes no difference no matter what I do. No difference at all. – 
(Wed… 11.51) WELL! I MADE THE TRIP INTO ST. ALBANS! As I finished the entry to the moment, Bob pulled up in front of the house. As it was, Lyle’s dad had gone “un-responsive” (as I over-heard him say) and was transferred to hospital in BTV. Bob came to the house to fetch Lyle and bring him down there, so I did the selfish thing: I asked for a lift into St. Albans, since they had to go to town anyway to get to the 89. I told them why and I have to say that the response was rather as I might have expected: hem-haw. But they agreed and we were off on the road. Odd though; instead of being supportive and rather happy about the good news that I’m making it this far in the application process, the focus is on the exact start date and how many hours. People… never allow me to enjoy anything even remotely “good”… oh no… don’t just say “Congratulations” or “Good luck” or “how fortunate for you” and leave it at that. No. It MUST be some degree of degradation. Oh well. You know? Fuck them all (and I’ll be thrashed for letting this emotion out). I make every effort possible in every venture. Nobody sees that, and I really must get to the point where I honestly don’t give a jolly fuck about “them”. True though, that, in ME, I KNOW I do what-ever is humanly possible. THAT is the point of all matters. – When we got to the entrance of the mall where the PO is, a red light… I opened the door and stepped out into the traffic so they could continue along. My departing comment: “It’s like jumping a fare in a cab.” and out I went. Too much to even drop me at the front door. Typical. – At the PO, I asked the clerk if the PM was in. “No.” He’d left and nobody knew why, to where or for how long! When I told her that he’d told me that he’d be here 8-5:00 she said “Let me see if anybody knows where he is and when he’ll be back.” I stood there thinking of the walk back… for nothing. But JUST as she walked through the door behind the counter, I saw him walk by! She returned to say that he’d JUST come in! I was amazed at the timing, and relieved! He bade me into the office immediately where I completed the forms and such. As I left, he shook my hand and said “Congratulations. Welcome back to the Postal service.” Now the only thing remaining is the drug test and the driving history check. The “preliminary protocol” is complete! (There’s still time for someone to send the “We regret” notice, but… if that should come, I’m already prepared… no sweat… BDMs are still fresh in the back-pack, with the documentation needed to go HOME.). – As I walked out of the PO, it was over-cast and a bit chilly. My sneakers are worthless these days, having no cushion to them and no insulation against the cold. The ground was cold, and at one point, I slipped along the road-side because there’s no tread on the soles (they’re shiny-flat now). But I put the “Franklin” sign on the back-pack, hands in my pockets, hood up and walked… walked… walked. – I will NEVER know how this happened but, JUST at the intersection/light to the 105, a rather old car… toot from the horn and a guy motioned to me to get in. I’d covered only about 4km of the 29km trip! A lift! The guy was toking, he had a HUGE but beautiful German Shepherd in the back. But I was in no position to decline. I got into the car and off we went. His story: His “house-keeper” phoned to tell him “There’s a guy walking with a white sign on his back says ‘Franklin’.” He himself had hitched from Florida to Rouse’s Point some years ago so he knows what it’s like. Well, as we went along, he actually got me to the 120!!! “I’ll say a prayer that you get a ride for the rest of your trip to.” and we exchanged holiday wishes and I was on to the last leg of the trip! – OK. Here’s something: I have the sing indicating that I’m heading for Franklin, I’m on the 120 which only goes to Franklin, I see the traffic driving by and know that the only place they could be going on this road is Franklin and yet, NOT ONE miserable fuck-tard would stop to offer a lift! People are complete SHIT! But that’s a fact already well-established and not simply in this matter. So, I walked the entire length and distance, even as it got dark. Fuck them all really. Bless the fellow who stopped. I “pray” for his benefits and I do so from my heart. – I’d left the PO at 14.46. I was at the house at 16.48! What could have been a 6-8 hour travel! I was SO relieved! (I had to pee so badly and all along the 120 is farm-land, stripped of any wood-land, so, when I got to the house, I headed directly for the back-yard!) – Inside the house, Randy was sitting in the living-room, TV on. “You’re back already?” Well, it would appear so, eh?) – I was SO BLOODY-FUCKING HUNGRY! AND SOAKED WITH SWEAT FROM THE WALK. (A t-shirt, sweat-shirt, hooded sweat-shirt, heavy work-shirt, hooded sweat-shirt… layers… and body heat!) We chatted. Bob rang to say they hadn’t even yet seen Lyle’s dad. And I got my clothes into the washer! – Next! FOOD!!!!! I had 3 small bowls of SugarPops (to which I added a bit of ice cream and chocolate syrup for calories). Then attacked the left-overs from last night’s dinner. I was HUNGRY! The house had only Randy. I ATE! ATE! ATE! I even followed this, a bit later, with a bit more ice-cream. Not the best of food, but it killed the hunger for the while. That’s the only amount of food I actually eat any more: just enough to stop the immediate hunger. – Well, Randy and I chatted a bit. I fucked-up the new book trying to get the images to be included. Something I can’t figure out even now, but sent a message to beg information on. And I have to comment: I made it to the house JUST before the snow started falling… JUST BEFORE! TIMING! – I listened to some “Winter” music on Youtube for a bit, simply because of the snow falling tonight, and at about 23.00 or so, Bob and Lyle returned. – They were in rather good spirits and when I enquired after Lyle’s dad’s condition, Lyle calmly replied “He passed at 10.46.” We talked about it for a bit. All seem relieved. The man’s suffering is done. How compassionate. And now, just before a “holiday”, the house-hold, and Lyle’s family will have to deal with the particulars. These are the times when I realise just how “jaded” I am about such things. Death… so what? If anybody knew that I live every nano-second looking forward to it, being with it… truly… I carry it with me as I travel, I have it beside my bed as I sleep… Death. – OH! I posted an e-mail to StoragePost tonight. Randy had inspired me to tell them that, since they’re refusing to accept the payment that Bob sent, and allow me to time to catch-up, I will look for a lawyer here, in VT, to take them to court and sue them for the lost pay I suffered because of that stupid bitch, Prosche. I mean really: If I even bring it into a court, no matter how, it will be here, in VT which means somebody from their corporation will have to travel up here. I’ve been inconvenienced for entirely too long. Now? I will share the inconveniences and give them back to their sources… no matter how, what, when, where, or why. – By about midnight, the house retired. There was little chat about my travels today. But then, I don’t expect any interest in “me” to come from any-where. People, others, have no interest. And me? I have no interest in return. I keep the real details to my-self. I know my worth and value and I know how much I give, how much it actually destroys me, and in the long-run… not one bit of any of it makes any difference, none at all. But I make extraordinary efforts… and *I* know that.
Wed.27.Nov: 11.45 This morning has passed so quickly! I was lazy, for me. Checking e-mails with a stone in the pit of my stomach. I don’t care to look at e-mails of late. Bad news, depressions, apathy, absence of compassion, other people’s problemmes (I have my own, but they’re important only to me, so it appears). – Rain. Last night’s snow is slush again. Over-cast. Dreary, as it were. The room wasn’t all too cold this morning, but the temperature is falling and my fingers are chilled. Randy announced that the stove had run out, gone out. He put more pellets into it this morning. “I guess Bob didn’t put any in this morning.” Honestly. So what the fuck? Bob and I don’t mind the little bit of a chill to the air and if the stove goes out for a bit, well then, put the fucking pellets in and go about your business and stop pointing fingers, trying to make yourself appear so caring and responsible. – I popped out for a smoke, I come in, Randy’s preparing toast and peanut-butter. I am SO miserably hungry this morning… as is almost usual. No hot coffee. No breakfast. Actually feeling rather weak. But… “that’s just the way it is”, the way it’s been, the way it will be. – I have to get yesterday’s notes in here now. – 12.40 caught up. Still hungry. The room is quite chilled now. Uncomfortably chilled. The rains still fall. Lyle is on the phone with Bob. He and Randy are in the living-room (warmth). I’ve had a cold coffee with sugar to kill hunger for a bit. There are a few things I’d like to get done today: hinges on a door, steps/ramp, shit in the barn. I don’t really have the “care” to be bothered today. So? None of it is likely to get done. Fuck it. Really. – 19.32 Just in from “sweeping” the side-walk of the still-falling snow. A little “scrub-brush” on a long handle. It’s perfect “packing” snow. Would make wonderful snow-folk! But I have no gloves this year. Hey, no gloves, no boots, no coat. Oh well. Not much more time for this either so it makes no difference. – Penny’s here this evening. We all had dinner. I had A (1) burger and some “tater tots”. Period. It did what it had to do: stopped the hunger. – Chilly out there tonight. Penny looked at my feet when I came in and exclaimed “You went out there dressed like that?” I wore my flip-flops. I wanted to have a smoke and, being me, wouldn’t just go out there for that reason alone. Beside, Penny has to get to her car yet, she insists on driving back to Mass. tonight, or BTV at least. So, it’ll make it a little easier for her. That’s me… thinking of the “them”. – The “new” version of the prose book got up-loaded before dinner. The images didn’t go through on the final, KDP sent me instructions. The whole thing had to be re-edited. Another day of work on something that should have been DONE! – I’m tired. I napped for over an hour today. And even at that, I didn’t want to wake up. – Penny and Lyle are really calm about their dad’s death. I guess it truly is a relief to them. He must have suffered. Poor guy. That was dinner conversation tonight. I kept my mouth shut for the most part. – Strangely enough, I just don’t want to be involved with anybody for any reason tonight. Not feeling “right”… about anything. – The dogs, especially Randy’s Chica, have been a pain in the arse. Dixie’s been rather great though. She’s an amazing little creature. Much deserving of so much love. – And so, it’s going for 20.00 and once again I’ve missed “30 Vies”! I have so few moments of pleasure and enjoyment in life… I’m stripped of them as well. – No “Pity Party” here. Just saying because I’m blody-well-fucking fed-the-fuck-up with keeping “me” to my-self. And if any of this is t be misunderstood or misconstrued… you know? I just don’t fucking give a fuck. – Almost ready to open the last pack of smokes! And I’m watching the weather very closely now, these days. VERY closely, indeed. – PS: No “thanks” for clearing the steps and side-walk. As Mum said: “There are no ‘thanks’.” so don’t wait for or expect any. – 20.59 back in bed for the night. Hungry. Nothing new. – E-mail from and to Nancy. Transferring photos from iPod to lap-top (then to Flash-drive) to be done. Been working on it all day on and off. 846 of them! My goodness me! – Just looking forward to going back to sleep… or even 3/4 of it. Just to get the fuck away from… – Randy’s in the shower. Lyle’s asleep on Bob’s lap. Bob’s pfutzing with his mobile. The snow is still falling, albeit, lightly. There’s a delightful cover. – I took Dixie and Ellie out when I went for my halfie. Dixie always has to “go” when she gets out there. Pity, that. If I don’t bring her out, she doesn’t get to “go”. Even when Bob’s not here and I’m either in the barn working or on the road, the other 2 won’t. Though, Randy mentioned that Lyle doesn’t take them out at all any more. Well… – I’m onto the last pack of smokes come tomorrow. Now I just watch the weather reports and look for a day when I can cross-over (as it were) with BDMs. HOME. Just around the bend. I’m actually looking forward to it as one would a holiday. And indeed, it is. – 22.56 Just checked the book before putting out the lights and WHAT A FUCKING MISTAKE THAT MOVE WAS! AGAIN! I HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCKING THING OFF! NO FUCKING IMAGES! AGAIN! THIS IS IT! I’ll edit ONCE MORE and if that doesn’t work NO MORE FUCKING BOOK AND NO MORE FUCKING PUBLISHING! I’M SICK TO MY STOMACH NOW! FUCKME! – FUCKING RANDY’S FUCKING DOG’S BEEN FUCKING BARKING ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I’M FUCKING HUNGRY! FUCKING INTERNET SHIT IS FUCKING AROUND AND THE FUCKING LAP-TOP IS A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! The snow is beautiful and I won’t be enjoying it for lack of warm clothing. OH THESE ARE THE LAST HOURS… FUCK THE “DAYS” SHIT!
Thu.28.Nov: 9.00 Thanksgiving. Bull-shit!
– I woke at about 7.30, went on-line, checked Twitter and e-mails. Nothing to note. – Went for my smoke a couple of minutes ago. There’s snow to be shovelled, bread to be made, hinges to be put on the back porch door to make getting pellets easier, and the stove went out during the night (because nobody else will put pellets into it… save Bob and I). The house is chilly. Me? I don’t give a fuck because me, I’m used to this cold. BUT… I’ll file my finger nails down and get to making the bread. Lyle wants “anise” bread. How sweet. Yes, I’ll make it. WTF? Why not? Work-horse. (Bob just woke up.). – I took Dixie out but Ellie wouldn’t go. Oh well. And now, with Bob awake, this fucks the morning chores. Oh well again. – I don’t much feel like wishing anybody a “Happy” Thanksgiving because, quite frankly, with this morning, the first thought I had was storage. I should wish anybody a “Happy” anything with all the help and support? I don’t think so! – Time to get busy here. Cold coffee. No Winter clothing. Losing everything. I need a distraction. – 10.49 I’ve got bread rising in the oven, washed the pots and pans from dinner 2 nights ago, shovelled the back and front porches, shovelled paths to the back barn and round the house to take out the garbage… sneakers no socks, 1 hooded sweat-shirt and a pair of cotton work gloves with holes in them. I am SO looking forward to DEATH! I can’t tell it in words enough. – The bread was in the oven for about 30 minutes, and it’s not really rising. I’m pissed already. Bob’s cutting squash at the sink and I told Lyle that there’s no rush… he put the oven on to warn it up. The bread can’t be put in to bake for at least another hour or more. But… Oh, and it’s got anise in it… at Lyle’s request. I don’t know. I’m not in the mood for any of this shit. But… these are the things I do simply because I don’t enjoy giving people MORE cause to talk about me like I’m a piece of shit. I know that I’m not. I know that I go out of my way for everybody else. I know my own sufferings to make others comfy. So, when I “go”, I do so with that knowledge. Besides… no matter what I do, they’ll all find SOMETHING nasty to say about me. So? So fuck it. Really. – At some point I have to go and “code” the fucking book now. This is entirely bull-shit! I received an e-mail already from the folks at KDP. 5.20 this morning! Confirms that they’re not in the US. Although the instructions were shoddy at best and vague at most, if I didn’t know how to code HTML I’d be shit out of luck. Honestly? What the fucking shit. – Oh, “holidays”. And today, more than other days… how I DO wish the weather was better… I’d be on the road to my little spot at HOME right now. 2 martinis waiting in the back-pack… waiting. – And as I cleared the front porch this morning I thought: I had many photos of the house in Richford as the snows fell last year. This year, I don’t even want to be so bothered. – But I must remember at all times: In NYC the folks are allowed to be in bed if they want, there are busses bringing them to the Bowery for special dinner… in Vermont, the Homeless are being tossed into the streets. And I am here, in a house, making bread. I must remember, and consciously remind me that this is rather nice. (If only it made any difference. It’s just biding time until… storage will be gone and I’ll be un-tethered to anything or anybody in this world… on to the next… and if I can help it, there won’t be a “next”. THIS shit is THE END! 2 martinis, BellaDonna, a-waiting.) – (It’s 0.51 on Fri. I’m just getting to bed… time to re-cap… well… another day.) – For no particular reason and in no particular order of import, well then, first thing this morning I did manage to get some paths cleared on the lawn. The first one went to the back-barn. I thought that that back door off the porch needed another hinge and I had several old hinges that I’d un-covered in all my work in the barn. So, wearing only sneakers and no socks, I got the snow shovel and made a single path to the barn. Of course, as it will be, the snow got into the sneakers. But, why bother bitching? I just kept right on along, got the hinges and came back to the house with the hinges. It was BITTER! and I do mean BITTER cold in the barn! What a fucking shame, that. If I could cover the openings in the barn-siding, it might be just a tad not-so-bitter-cold in there and I probably could get some sort of income-generating work done. Anyway, I cleared the back porch after that so that the bags of pellets for the heating stove could be brought in, cleared a path to the front of the house so that the garbage barrels could be rolled out, cleared the front porch with a broom and then HAD to come in because the cotton work-gloves don’t insulate at all and my fingers were burning from the cold. – Checked that back door I wanted to “fix”. There are 2 hinges on it but the floor from the up-stairs part of the “garage” has dropped right in front of the door so, it will have to be taken down, cut at the top and re-installed. Bob laughed: that door might be the only thing holding the whole thing up at this point. (He might not be kidding… so, no work got done on the door. Oh well…) – Spoke with Fran today. It annoys me (doesn’t just about everything these days?): she’s being treated like SHIT! We live on this earth for so many years, each and every one of us, and there are those who will never learn that the way we treat others is the way we will be treated in kind. Then come the later years of Life (what a total crunchy peanut-butter butt-fuck, that) when we should be able to slow our pace and rather enjoy the fruits of all our toil, trials and tribulations, and what do we get? Crunchy peanut-butter butt-fuck. Life… what a curse. – And then came the “holiday dinner”. It was ever so delicious, and rather enjoyable. I’d gone down to the kitchen in the midst of all the others, grabbed the flour and yeast and put together a large loaf of bread that, well, considering what I’ve made before, didn’t end the way it should have but… in the end, pleased everybody. Anise seed added to the dough, at Lyle’s request. The flavour? Interesting and not bad at all. Only, it was rather wet, and when I braided it, the strands melted into each-other creating one HUGE loaf! Still, it didn’t turn-out bad and I felt rather god about having contributed in some manner. We had turkey (of course), rutabagas, yams, stuffing, a delicious cranberry salad made with apples and CoolWhip; there was corn and carrots and squash and… For desert, pecan, lemon meringue, Key Lime and pumpkin pies and a cheese cake which nobody had… at the time. I actually ate quite well, I must admit. But I noticed something tonight: my stomach isn’t what it used to be and the smallest portions of food are now enough to kill an appetite. My dreams of gaining weight are closed. I can’t put enough food in me to make any difference (and I noticed today, when I showered, I’m a perfect skeleton dressed in a tightly form-fitting skin… it’s really repulsive!). After dinner, the dish-washer was stacked and I washed the pots and pans. – This evening, I went to the back porch for a smoke. Bob and Randy were there. Lyle joined. It was rather odd and funny and touching all at the same time…. Lyle took his pipe to the other end of the porch. They don’t want me exposed to the weed-smoke because I have a drug test coming. As Lyle said “I don’t want him to be exposed…” and Bob said “We want you to get this job.” – Both, Lyle and Bob thanked Randy and I for being here, in the house, part of their “family”. They do enjoy us being here. (Why they enjoy my presence is beyond me. I tend to spend all of my waking hours out in the yard, the barn, on the road, in the room.) Anyway, me, being me, I can’t help but wonder if it’s at all genuine or will it simply turn the way everything else in my life-time has turned. I have NO trust in ANY-one any more, other than to trust that the good will be turned and the bad will be 10-fold. That’s my experience. – But then, at the end of the day, I have to note: The constant thought on my mind, no matter what, where, how, what-ever is that I MUST GET OUT OF THIS! Life is miserable. In a matter of days, I’ll have noting left. Lyle’s Dad’s death makes the point even more clear. His Dad has died and Lyle and his sister are left behind to arrange for burial and such. Meanwhile, the house and home-stead that he, Dad, had worked to maintain, will contain little-to-nothing of the “things” that meant anything at all to him and will eventually be disposed of. Me? There’s only a couple of shirts and trousers, several books and limited under-things. ALL else will be tossed to the winds… in a matter of a couple of days. Art, poetry, clothing, gone. So, indeed, it’s time to pack it all up and in and simply leave. And that thought stays with me all through my waking hours of late… ALL of them. – Then came tonight and what I think is only the 19th edit of the DunesSojourner book and this time when I checked it, the images appeared! But I had to hard-code HTML for it! How un-fair to those who don’t know HTML coding! The line-breaks and alignments are off, but at least I got the images into the book. I don’t expect it to sell, but at least there’s something, some little bit of a reminder that I WAS here. – It was about 23.00 or so when I went down-stairs for my last smoke of the night and got entangled in a TV programme with Lyle for a few hours. At one point he said “I’m going to have a slice of cheese cake. Would you like one?” and we had cheese cake at table watching TV for a bit… It was then… then… time to wrap this whole damned day up, get me into a cold bed, put out the lights and… well… in plain language, close my eyes until the dawn of the next stop along the road to Hell. – Thanksgiving. Yup. OK then. NEXT!
Fri.29.Nov: 0.59 Last pack of smokes opened. 
Time to move along. Good weather will be my ticket HOME. I’m thinking I’ll have to get the BDMs over as I can, store them up there for when I arrive. Indeed, storage will be gone… I have nothing left… at all. – 10.59 The book royalties are posted to the savings. – Minus 18 this morning. BITTER! – Everybody is out of the house. – DEATH I’m looking forward to it. – 11.50 e-mail from Nancy as I sat to journal, transfer more photos from the iPod and begin (again) to work on the new manuscript. Alas, I must say: there was the usual e-mail asking “what can I do?”. I’m so used to hearing this question and today, these days, at this point in my life, I know no matter what I say, the question is never genuine, it’s never asked with any sincerity, and it never expects a response… and if it gets a response, the response just dissipates out into the vast waste of nether-time. This time? Yup. The question was asked. The reply was actually typed and sent. POUF! The end. It reminds me of the joke: A tourist comes and travels the USA. He visits many of the States and, of course, does some shopping in each. In the West and Mid-west, even in the Southern States, each time he shops the sales-person rings his purchases, hands him his parcel and bids him “Have a nice day.”. “How nice, these Americans,” the tourist thinks to him-self, “They always bid me ‘have a nice day’. Very kind.” He then makes his way to NY and there, visits NYC where again, he shops. Only this time, the sales-person simply rings his purchases, plops them into a bag which he’s handed, in silence. “Aren’t you going to wish me ‘have a nice day’?” the man asks. “It’s printed on the fucking receipt!” replies the sales-person. – End of story. Nothing further is said. Same shit. “Is there anything I can do to help?” goes the enquiry. “I would appreciate… etc.” is the reply. And with that, the question was never asked and the reply, never made. And I return to thinking of all the “good deeds” I made sure to do for others and the advice of Mum: ‘don’t wait for ‘thank you’. There is no ‘thank you’. Do it because you can. Do it because you know it has to be done and you can do it and then go on your way.’ – Today it got tossed back to me: do you suppose that telling them that you’re newly employed would stop the auction? (words to that affect). POUF! – 15.23 I can’t believe how quickly this day is just spinning by! I got a few more images off the iPod and browsed a bit on-line. Sent an e-mail first thing this morning to storage and got a reply that they’re not accepting a partial on the325$ balance now. OK. – Got an e-mail from Nancy (ignoring my reply to her enquiry about what she might be able to do to help save storage). ‘If there’s anything I can do, let me know.’ ‘It would be nice if some-one would interceded since they’re not listening to me.’ Blank. Silence. Void. Abyss. Why people make those “anything I can do” statements and mean “Don’t ask me for shit.” I’ll never understand. – Oh! Today, as I typed to Nancy, the touch-pad function stopped on the lap-top leaving me with NO way to get ANYTHING done! I had to go to the iPod for help. It took quite a while to learn that F5 does it. – Meanwhile, Chica got ill on the carpet at the top of the stairs. I will NOT clean it up! However, I did bring in more pellets for the stove and put her in front of it for warmth. – The guys got back at about 15.00. They’d all gone out, no invite to me, no word… just left… as usual. – 15.29 The room is COLD! The house is quiet. If I could, I’d go right back to bed and back to sleep. There’s nothing to do and I actually look grey. Really poor palour these past few days. My stomach isn’t liking all of yesterday’s intake. Were I alone now, with my comforters that are soon to become somebody else’s rags, I’d simply get myself presentable, crawl under the comforters, put on some delightful music, sip my martinis and leave… just leave. I am SO ready! – And so at the end of the day: It was a night of eating rather well again. A bit on the late side, but I accept food when I can get it. Funny that, it’s been that way for most of my life. People are under the impression that I’m satisfied being horribly under-weight and all. Nobody knows that I spend most of my entire existence being ever so hungry. The other night, Lyle and I were watching a bit of … well, imagine this: I can’t remember the guys name! One of those late night talk shows, not … oh.. Letterman! That’s who. Anyway, watching him and Martha Stewwart talking about Thanksgiving cooking and Martha and he were talking about feeding some-one who is hungry and how many people in the USA go hungry. Every time I see or hear things about this I think: I know, I KNOW what that’s like! Hunger is something that has been with me for as far back as I can recall. I go back to the nights of sneaking into the back parking lot of the A&P after the dairy deliveries were made and grabbing containers of cottage cheese, sour cream and heavy cream and driving off into the back roads at a Hell-bound speed to devour it. Dairy fat. I’d eat the cottage cheese and sour cream and wash it down with the heavy cream. Calories. There were times when I had all to do to get it all down, but since I had no way of preserving it, it had to be eaten THEN and THERE and I did. I remember the evening when I put the garbage out, in Roosa Gap, and noticed that Chris had thrown a lain cake away. I took it out of the garbage, brought it in to my room and devoured almost the whole thing. She’d only had one slice so there was quite a bit of it left. I ate until I could actually feel my stomach expand. But I ate it… from the garbage can. Hunger. Always, always hungry. Food. Never any, never available. And people thinking that I’m happy and content being so thin… and hungry. But tonight I ate well. Left-overs. Bob came into the living-room after he’d eaten and asked “Are you guys (Lyle and I) going to have any of that food before I put it back?” I said “I’ll grab some while it’s there. No sense in putting it away and then taking it back out.” (I was actually light-headed from hunger at that moment.) But, I ate well tonight. – The house was cold all day toady. “My” room was unusually chilled and even the rest of the house was chilly. Seems the bricks have been chilled so thoroughly that they hold the cold well into the night. Even as Lyle and I said, once this happens, it’s going to remain this way for quite some time now. Oh well. It’s Winter, this is the North Country, and I’m not complaining. I’m just thrilled to be here… back up here… so close to HOME. – The guys all had gone “shopping” again today… all three of them. And again today, I wasn’t even asked to join them. This evening, Randy told me that they’d gone to visit John as well. Apparently he keeps his house at about 80°F and they were complaining that it was too hot in there. But my point is that I find it quite interesting that they now go to the stores and to visit and I’m not only not invited to join but not even told that they’re leaving. They just all get together and go. Actually? It makes my departure that much easier. Next good day I can simply walk out the door, saying nothing to anybody. I suppose they’ll figure it all out after a day or so that I won’t be returning, and then the house can settle down and things can be as they should be… with-out me in the way. – Tonight I actually spent some time in the living-room, watching TV… just to take the chill out of my fingers and feet Nothing exciting. I’m not particularly fond of the programming they enjoy. But it was considerably warmer for the while. – At 23.00 I came up to bed. Even though I’d left the door to the room open all day, it was rather quite cool in the room. But, by about 23.00 I closed the door, put on my sweats and the hooded sweat-shirt, crawled under the covers. It’s going to be an interesting night and morning with the cold building in the room. But, cold… hunger… I’m just so tired from it all and looking forward to bringing it all to an end… ever so very very soon.
Now I lay me down to sleep
and pray to wake up dead
come the sun-rise.
Sat.30.Nov: 8.56 So… November comes to a close. December is merely hours away and Winter… Winter. And… THE END. – As I stood out on the back porch just now, I looked out to the barn where there has been so much work done and thought of the “un-finished business” there.
Bob’s rocking chair, the steps to the upper barn, the old wooden trunks, some with ornamentation that I wanted to restore, the reel mowers that I wanted to clean up and put out there for sale for the guys… Un-finished business. I thought of the patients in Calvary Hospital who clung to even brief moments of life as they lay in those beds, rotting and being eaten by cancer, and their pain as they did so, just because of “un-finished business” and how I’ve always sworn that I would not do that, when my time came. And this morning? Well, as “Beth” said in one of Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s books: Cancer is a friendly disease because it gives you time to complete un-finished business, to tell people what you have to tell them, to tell the people you love that you love t+hem. Mum too, ringing me up to tell me of all the wonderful aspects of cancer: the things she’d no longer have to worry about, to think about and how it gave her the time to come to terms with the end. And this morning, I looked at the snow on the ground, the frost on the trees back by the brook and I thought: I too, have been given the same gift… time to tie up loose ends and to come to terms with it all. And as far as the “un-finished” business is concerned, the property here is neat and tidy and ready for next year’s Spring and Summer. The flower beds will bloom, probably thicker, and the garden in the back will be ready to be re-planted. The “fire pit” is there and the fire wood is near it so that there can be more nights where the guys can sit and Lyle can enjoy the beauty of the night skies. The barn is clear… HELL! The back-barn is OPEN space again. Randy can get his things, they can move things out of the house, and it can all be stored in the barn. And with precious little extra effort, they could even use the barn to park the car! “Un-finished business”? Nah… My “business” here is “finished” and when Nature gives me the day, I can walk out this door and up the road and go HOME and I don’t have to look back or think back. I can just quietly… go. As usual, as always, I leave the place in which I’ve sojourned, in better condition, and a place where the ones who stay behind can enjoy it. – I woke this morning to a rather cold room. On my way out to the porch I stopped to check the pellet stove; it was almost empty, so I put in another bag, filling the hopper. “My” room was cold, and I could have let the house go cold, but… no, I couldn’t have done. – Minus 12 degrees out there this morning with a chill of minus 17. (Or, as the converter tells it: 10 Farenheit with a chill of 1.) – 9.55 Very sad indeed. 45,75 taken out of the GoFuckMe effort. That’s what comes out of the 50. But what makes it sadder yet is that I’ll be closing the whole effort. Oh well. It was a something to learn, to be entertained with and by and well… the confirmation of what Mum always thought about “people”. But I am so thankful to Nancy for even starting the thing rolling! Now to get that money back to her. It should be in the account come the week. I’ll get it back to her before I leave. Uh oh… there’s “un-finished business”! OOPS! (I grin). – 12.11 A fuck-wad of e-mails from the USPS and a drug test in… PLATTSBURGH! FUCK ME! Well? Here we go again… Bob and Lyle aren’t too happy but Bob’s already thinking of how I’m going to get to the pee test. I’ll go. In spite of the fact that I’m just biding time until the good weather comes and I can check out, nobody can ever say I’m not giving it the best. Between now and the 4th… Well, let’s see how the weather turns and whether or not the whole issue is even an issue to ponder… – Odd: I just went down-stairs, Lyle on the sofa, Bob and Randy went to Enosburgh to remit bottles. I went into the kitchen to cut a tranche of bread and, as is rather the usual, it was at that moment Lyle needed to use the loo. I’ve noticed that when I’m in the kitchen, I’m not usually allowed in there alone. Interesting? Or just my ‘magination, once again, running away with me… oh… – Days, darling… only mere days. – 14.55 and I’m wearing the same clothes that I’d wear if I were out-side. It’s all I have really. T-shirt with sweat-shirt with light flannel shirt with hooded sweat-shirt with another hooded sweat-shirt. I wear the same clothes in-doors as I’d wear out-doors. And there’s the hunger issue which really isn’t an issue at all any more. – I’ve managed to get all the USPS “forms” completed and caught up on the social media for the book, including the blog on WordPress. once again, nobody can say that I sat wallowing in self-pity. I’m not self-pitying actually. This is what I’ve come to hear others refer to as “Peaceful resignation”. All is well now. – Ever so cold in here though. – Oh! NANCY ACTUALLY BOUGHT A COPY OF THE NEW BOOK! I hope she’s not sorry she did. I got an e-mail saying she’d read “70%” of it already. I checked to see how it looks in the on-line “preview” and the images are there. The line-breaks are wrong and the images aren’t all where they should be but at least they’re there! And generally, the formatting looks OK. But again, I hope Nancy doesn’t regret the purchase. She also offered to help with the storage. I can’t accept. I just can’t. I feel as if I’m riding her for everything and it’s not right. There are so many others who claim to help, to be there to help, to be able and willing to help and yet, the few ties through my life-time when I’ve ASKED for help they all disappear or simply ignore. And, I’m not even thinking in terms of anything or any dates beyond the 11th December… maybe… MAYBE until the 21st. But absolutely nothing beyond then. I now think of this as in terms of a diagnosis of cancer: I know WHEN and I get to fill the time with what I can. No troubles. No tribulations. And even with cancer, there are no “definite” dates, so this just goes along and I do what I do. Like tomorrow. IF I’m still getting FoodStamps (and I’m not even planning on that happening any more), I’ll head off to Richford for my PopTarts and some smokes. Lyle’s sister and brother-in-law are supposed to be here tomorrow. I’ll leave, probably before they arrive, and take my time along the travels. I’m not planning on being in the house when they sit to dine, and so, I’m not thinking about eating tomorrow, save what-ever little pies and such I get at Richford, and eat along the road. What do they call it? SNAFU? Shit Normal… All Fucked Up. or something like that. – 15.08 and folks are stirring about down-stairs. Randy is up and down. Most likely they’re preparing things to eat. I noticed that the bread is gone already… half of it anyway. So, I have my coffee. – I’m going to work on the afghan a bit whilst there’s still some day-light. It’ll help keep me warm. – Thank you Nancy, for getting the book. (I have to get into St. Albans and get an ATM card to send to her. Royalties and such will be directly deposited into the account and she”ll need access. – OH and I’ve taken the money out of the GoFuckMe “campaign. Out of the 50$, I got 45,75$. It’s to be put into the NEFCU account in about 2 business days. When that happens I’ll close that out as well. No sense in keeping it open. It’s useless… been useless other than to teach me: I’m not worth it. (As if I didn’t know that already.) – 17.33 Another good and quick meal at table with all. Yes, I ate… sparingly. But enough. Got rid of the hunger. That’s what counts. And now? The fellows are all seated round the TV in the living-room, getting drunk. How lovely. (Nope. Not offered… though Randy asked if I was going t have a drink… right. Sure. I have a trip tomorrow morning.) – I offered to wash the dishes. In the time it takes to rinse them, they could have been washed and dried. But Lyle insisted on them going into the machine so… – And there are 2 bags of pellets for the stove. You’re welcome. Ah… the eternal work-horse. I think the stove is empty, but, I brought the bags in… they’re right there, beside the stove. (I didn’t notice that the stove is empty… if any-one asks.) – And now? Back to the room. Oh, and Bob brought the space heater down to the kitchen. Last night it was mentioned that it would be better in this room. Tonight I was told that “the ladies” had it in the “media room” when they were here and had it cranking all the time…. even when they weren’t in the room. Lyle said “I finally had to take it for them.” But, although it would be better serving in this room… I say nothing. Why bother? A couple more weeks and… this room will be closed-off for the Winter. Nobody will inhabit it. –