Sunday.1.October.2017
8.06 *FROST* and just in from smoke, and a rather cheerie “Bonjour!” from la Madame. – But terrible intestinal turmoil… bread. – Slept heavily through the night too. And woke from a DREAM:
Newburgh… and a bike rental from some Turk or Arab. The guy padlocked it to a wall on “Annie” Street, a block west of Williams. Much construction going on. Streets dug up. Buildings falling apart. I needed the bike to get back to somebody’s house after work. So I met the guy at the corner as he delivered the bike and locked it to the building wall and the bike in front of “mine” and I walked on to work. (I don’t recall the job or didn’t dream of it but…) When work was done, I couldn’t remember how to get to where the bike was. Walked about some streets until I got my bearings. When I got to the bike, the one in front was gone and mine was all but stripped. No handle-bars and the rear tyre had been taken. The front tyre had been partially removed but I pulled it from the wall and decided I could still use it. So I walked it over to Broadway and headed to where-ever I was to go after work. Back streets. Newburgh. Up and down hills. Some streets had been “lowered”, putting homes up higher than they were. “Flood control”, I thought. I wasn’t sure where I was or where I was going to. But I continued as it got later and dark. Then, I was looking out of the back window at Oma’s (it was the house, but not hers). A construction crew of heavy equipment dug through the back yards, across “Kewley’s” through. They had to lay new electric lines… I woke.
Well… there it is, here it is… new day, clear and chilly. New month. October. THE MONTH. SOCIAL SECURITY. PENSION. OLD. – And now to wait for the 25th and learn of the fuck-up with my payments and direct deposit. I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG. WE SHALL LEARN OF IT… SOON ENOUGH. It would be nice to have 2 payments in the account before moving. I can leave with as much money as I came here with. It would make life easier… “EASIER”. WELL… THAT can never be! There’s a GRAND FUCK A-COMIN’!… THIS MONTH! – Hello cold weather. – Météo claims it’s 6° out there…Well, it feels a bit cooler. At least it’s not too bad in the room. And, oh yes… fire in the wood-stove, Shelly and la Mme. in the kitchen. – PS: Mme. met me on the porch as I went for smoke. Right away: “Kitty’s in the garage… At least I don’t have to put up with all that meowing.” Qunt. – 11.37 I went out for a smoke just as Mme. and co. drove away. Living-room: sofa-bed open. Kitchen: wood chair in front of wood-stove. Laundry in washer. No note. No word. Just gone. Typical. I happened to over-hear Mme. say something about taking Hallie. So it’s me and Mimou. Seems the Twats are away too. I’m contemplating mowing… ONLY enough room to get to the garden… which has, I thought this morning, produced nothing but beans. How sad, all that work for nothing. Well? She HAD a friend who’d made that successful. I quit. The results speak for themselves. At noon, I’ll get “busy”. Can’t say I’ve done “nothing”… just “considerably less”. – Truth is: I suspect some sort of “Get out” notice this month. – Meanwhile, there’s a printed e-mail on the kitchen table. The closing on 172 is pushed from 5 October until “later in the month”. Still work to be done on the house. Well? She chose to have her Rick do it and… as is usual… much hasn’t been done. (I could have done it in about a week, but, that’s not a point.) Looks like I’m about to be screwed. The was a lap-top in that house-sale. Well? If I’m back in NY, I’ll put a claim into a NY court and she’ll have to come for that. A “glitch”, but I’ve learnt HOW to be like them. I won’t BE them, but CAN BE LIKE them. – Had a BM this morning in the WC and am now exhausted and feeling a bit ill. This would be a great chance to get food but, I don’t know what… feeling so ill. Typical me. – 22.27 MOWED 172. ALSO PARKING AND ACCESS TO GARDEN 5199. CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 400$ – She brought Shelly back today and I went and mowed. Dickie came by and got the story of the Twat messages and such…”You have a roof over your head.” is his attitude. – In got done with the lawns at about 15.30. Stopped at the store for 3 slices turkey (,25lb), rolls, tinned peaches and cookies. (Just finished the 3 sandwiches and peaches… “meal”.) She rolled in at about 16.00 all cheerie. Told me about Shelly (a “Howard client” she’s known for some years.) – *I GOT HER BACK ON FESSES-BOOK TONIGHT. I’m such an idiot. – A “pleasant” evening. – I’m showered tonight. Heater on again.

Mon.2.Oct: 6.12 Indeed. And ever so warm in this room. The heater was on through the night. Not TOO awfully cold out this morning. I’m just in from smoke. When I rolled over, waking on my own, the clock read 6.06. The “fast” clock, anyway. I was “under the covers, lights out” by mid-night. Didn’t even read. And so now, am faced with more hours of the day. Library 10-14.00. Madame from 14-17.00. Although, Mimou has an appointment at some point during the day so that cuts some time out. Horrid to dread having to think of time like that. But it is as it is. – Thought this morning… this month I become a “Pensioner”… “retired”. “Old”. It’ll be interesting to see if I don’t drop dead on the 24th, the day before my first payment… and the 6-year anniversary of that fateful day… when I arrived here, in this Hell. Horrors and horrid, dreadful, repulsive. And I never thought I’d be breathing at this point in time-eternal. “Don’t ask ‘Why?’. Ask ‘What?’ are you going to do about it.” Fukkit! – 10.30 at the library and adding: This morning’s been quite busy at the “home”. Mme. only JUST got her clothes on and began her day. First, “Guy” came by to give her some kind of a time, begging for some contributions for some kind of “commemorative” or something “celebrating” 100 years of something “Catholic”. I over-heard him pulling the typical “embarrassment and guilt” on her. – Next in line was Rick. Poor fool idiot came by and she went on about the work that was and wasn’t done at 172. HEY! She’s had other “work” done round 5199 that took for-ever and was never really done properly. But NO! She keeps going back for more. Rick’s got balls, coming back for more shit. AND for continuing not to do the work promised. But in the name of “Schadenfreude”… I DO get a laugh out of it all because they both get what the deserve. And again I say: I could have had all the work done in about a week… and I’d appreciate the money she’s pissing into Rick’s pocked. But that’s really none of my business. – Mme. is currently out in the “garden” with “Dot” (from Sheldon), digging potatoes. (Good thing I mowed the access yesterday?) Now THAT should prove interesting over there since the entire garden is over-grown with weeds and grass… about pit-high to me. Once again… the fact that ALL of the “WORK” was done by me is more than obvious. When *I* took care of it all, that garden produced and was lovely. When *I* mowed the lawn, that whole area was a delight. Today? The damned place looks quite “damned”. AND… again… I say: Behold the land from whence cometh the fux and shits I used to give. See that it is arid, empty and devoid of all. I have neither fuk nor shit to give. – Well… on with the next few hours of calm… There’s work to be done on “ADK” today! – I should also get to my “TSP”… get it to my account. It takes about a month to process and the timing will be good. By Soc.Sec. it should be in the account and come next month, I’m going to need every penny I can get my hands on. Mme. will be leaving this evening for work… I can get the forms done and posted… in relative peace. – Still thinking: I got the old qunt back onto her fesses-book last night and as usual… not one indication of any gratitude. Spoiled bit of shit, that one. “Princess”… in her own deluded mind. – 20.19 Showered. In bed. Made it through the few hours with Mme. before she left. – Got the “Barn 5225” page begun on ADK. There’s more work to be done on it but it’s rolling fine. – When Mme. left, went to the store for half pound turkey, ice cream, crisps, salsa. Chatted with the gal at the deli counter who shares my suspicions about Bobo. Imagine… TWO of us in town. Oh my! – Back at the hole, 2 sandwiches, crisps, ice cream, news and doze a bit. -Tried to get Hallie out before my shower but she insisted on the front door so… she’ll have to go in the morning. I’m not putting up with that nonsense. – Oh, before Mme. left, she said “If it gets cold, turn on the heaters, make a fire.” Well… the oil radiator is in the room tonight. I washed it and it’s running. Even with the door open, it’s warming the room nicely… although it’s not terribly cold out tonight. Still, I won’t go cold. Those nights are O-VUH! – And now… a bit if “QI” if I can find some, some reading and hopefully a night’s sleep with Mimou at bed-side. – Library 14-19.00 tomorrow. – Having a Tea too.

Tue.3.Oct: 7.12 and a message from the loo. The brood has had breakfast. Litter-box cleaned at long last. I’ve had coffee and smoke. And there’s a chill to the morning air. The stomping above commences., picked-up from the 21.50 “return” last night when heavy steps ascended heralding the return of a Twat. – It was about 22.40 when I stopped reading and put out the lights last night, and I woke, this morning, before the 7.00 alarm. – And now, we have a serenade of “Tap-tap-tap” over-head. Another day in Inbreedville. Tuesday… Nothing much on the agenda until 14.00. – There’s actually a filthy kitchen and tossed living-room that beg attending, not to mention a lawn screaming for a trim… twice-over at the length. I’ve no calling. And I just don’t care. It’s not the work that annoys… rather the fact that… I just don’t care. Oh well… alas… fukkit… fukkitall. – 21.04 Beard and moustache trimmed. Clean jammies. Clean me. And a few more pages on ADK in the 3 hours out of 5 that I got at the library today. I had to leave because they had a “class” up-stairs. Oh well. It’s OK. – and so I came back to the hole, had A sandwich, crisps and ie cream. Shot my 20 cash on 3 Teas and a pack of smokes. I have 2 here. I doubt that any more are to come. I say no more on the matter. Then, a bit of TV news and it was off to the showers. – It was a beautiful day! Quite magnificent, really. But I refuse to work on the yard (which is becoming covered in leaves now). Let her see what’s to come in my absence. – And now for soc.med. and reading. – The heater is on again, more to keep the walls warm than much else. The old cow doesn’t (won’t) understand that it’s better to warm and maintain warmth, than to let the fucking place get cold. But… “princess” is a bit retarded and so, it’s useless to repeat. – And so… another day passes. Tomorrow I’ll get the paper-work together and get my “pension” work going. May as well grab it. It’s only making 2$ a month. Not worth holding where it is at that rate. And I’ll need it… at month-end.

Wed.4.Oct: 9.22 Woke at about 6.00… in pain. Dozed. Woke and got up at about 8.00, still in pain but got breakfast for the brood and the garbage out, coffee, smoke and… back on the bed for.soc.med. – Another warmish day… let’s see how it can be fucked, shall we? – 21.15 Hoovered and washed floors. Pasta and salsa and ice cream for meal. It was a warm day and mostly sunny. But just as I went for my shower, came the rains. And a comfy sort of night. Didn’t get to the paper-work, but I need a notary and Town Hall was closed today anyway. Tomorrow… and I’ll get it done and out. – Hallie gave me a hard time with not going out the back door again, so she’s in for another uncomfortable night. I just don’t have the patience. Mimou, in the other hand is INCREDIBLY AFFECTIONATE! With me ALL day and even now, at bed-side. – Tried ringing Dennis. “At customer’s request” the number is not receiving calls. Never hear such a thing. Gee… has he talked with somebody and decided to block me? I’ll never know. Perhaps I’ll send a note one day. Hey… I tried. – Now, to close soc.med. and get some reading. Clothes on quick wash. – Day is done. Fuck.

Thu.5.Oct: 8.11 Notes from the loo. The brood is fed. Had a smoke and coffee. Overcast and not terribly cool after last night’s rain. And another day commences. What a shit-hole. – 14.00 AT THE LIBRARY… from since about 10.00 this morning! Time is flying! – Mme. rolled in at about 9.00 this morning, all cutesy as usual, as if the world were perfectly fine. She’d dropped at the post office and gotten to all her shit-mail… all over the floor… which indeed, had been washed only yesterday. “I’ll pick that up…” said she, as if I give a shit what the Hell she does. Me? I had my second coffee, got me together and headed out the door. Earlier than I’d thought, but it turned-out for the better (I can only hope) because once at the library, I got the forms for “TSP” completed AND “notarised” by Lisa, who did it for free (“It’s what we do.” she said… I don’t know why it cost Lyle… as memory serves, well over a dollar… but that was then and “then” is gone… WAY gone, now). Popped all into an envelope and off to the post office where Lisa was all “cutesy-smiley” too. 6,80$ to post certified with return receipt! Gone are the good days of 3$. BUT…
***TSP WITHDRAWAL IS POSTED TODAY! AT ABOUT 11.00!***
I’m certainly on my way to “RETIRED”. Now let’s see if I manage to exist long enough to actually GET ANY of this money that I should be getting. Doubtful. But… It’s done. Now to wait and see WHAT, if ANY, actually gets to the banque. – Meanwhile, I’ve been working on “ADK” all day. Got MUCH and MANY pages and photos posted and there’s still a lot more to go. But I persist and persevere. – Just adding this as a break from the point’n’click of pic posting. – I’m hungry right about now and have to ponder what the Hell I’ll eat later this evening. Will have to stop at the store at some point to get something. All said and told and done… Mme. fucked my day by showing early (with-out smokes, of course… there’d BETTER be 100$ waiting for me when I get back there!). But I’m happy with the work that I got done on the ADK anyway and I’m no off to continue. – Evening… (at 7.30 on Friday morning) Came back to the hole at about 17.00. Had stopped at the store for 2 tins of Chunky soup, rolls, chocolate grahams. Mme. was out with Hallie so I fed Mimou. When Mme. returned, she prepped a burger and potatoes for her, 4 little ears of corn… for her and sat to eat as we “chatted”. “Chats” of late, are “empty”… fillers. I’ve actually no interest in her and her troubles. Rick isn’t working on 172. She had to find an electrician for over there. She wanted to pay under 1000, but just the electrics will cost 1200. Oh well. It could have all been done WEEKS ago, and I certainly could have made excellent use of the money but… She lost a “friend” and now she’s paying. I’ve always said: When you wrong me, the very worst you can suffer is the loss of my friendship. She’s lost. 172 is still un-sellable, the lawn at 5199 is long and covered in leaves, the garden has produced beans… and some potatoes after all the preliminary work. VERY unlike years prior. Alas. – And I wonder if she’s gotten the rent for this month. I’ve not seen lawn-mowing money. She’s 400$ in my debt at 35$ per. We shall see. – And her Shelly/Sherry will be back for another week-end, this or next. And she’s got “Harvest Fests” to attend, taking Shelly/Sherry to “Parc Safari” one week-end. – Anyway… as she ate, she asked “Do you want a beer?” Hah! I declined. – By 19.30 I was in the room, settling for the night. A tin of soup and a roll… grahams and soc.med. – By about 22.30… book dosn, lights out. Day… done… at last. This place is shit. And let us say… Fukkit.

Fri.6.Oct: 7.22 Up. Dressed. The house has already had some sort of something. A visitor… at about 7.00. Hallie barking. Mme. stomping across the floor. Another day commences in Shit-hole. Charming. But it’s frostless out. Over-cast but comfortable for October. – Library 14-18.00 today. And what to do in the meanwhile? – 7.44 and caught-up. – Last night, not paying attention, I ate almost all of the grahams. There’s Hell to be paid at some point. – Mme.’s fed the brood and is “Jesus-reading”, Twat just drove off with its spore… taking it to school… Heaven forbid it should walk. Oh well. – Yes, indeed… another day in Hellish Shit-hole. – 14.17 Library. – managed to stay clear for the morning! Yay me. As I was getting ready to leave for the library, Mrs. Twat dropped in. I was in the WC and so, could hear when she said “Here’s 850.” So now we get to see if I’ll get the 100$ out of the 400$ owed me to-date. And there was talk about them (the Twats) having to re-finance on a house they’re looking at in Berkshire. As if… It would have been a perfect time for Mme. to mention the lawn and the fact that it needs to be mowed but… of course, it wasn’t. So? I’ll look toward Sunday… which is supposed to be rainy. Meanwhile… so long as I get my money, I don’t care. After all… she pays Rick for work… or, as she claims, she’ll pay him when the house sells. (Is it any wonder he’s not working hard? I wouldn’t trust her either. Come to think of it, Mark Vinci was supposed to come paint the back porch this month. He’d “power-washed” it in Spring, said he’d be back in October to paint. I don’t see that happening either. Well… none of my concern. She’ll see the results of betrayal… soon and very soon.) – Now… back to ADK and perhaps, hopefully, another post to the Crgslst… I’m looking for a cheap rental now too! – 19.59 Made it through another day… at the library for almost 4 hours. Got most of ADK posted. Then to the store. Half pound turkey, 2 tins peaches, cookies, Velveeta for the week-end. And back to the hole. Briefest chat with Mme. and into the room to eat and watch QI as ate.
– NOT EVEN A MENTION OF THE RECEIVED RENT AND NO MONEY FOR LAWN-MOWING. I’VE A GUT FEELING IT’S NOT COMING. 400$ BEHIND AND SHE’S GOING TO PULL SHIT. WELL… COURT IT SHALL BE THEN. –
But mean-while, her place will go to Hell… and I can’t say that I care. – Stomping about over her head, loud enough to be heard here. I really should get a radio of some kind or set the iPod. What-ever. – But for now, in jammies, in bed. Library 9-13.00 tomorrow and then…? Looks like now more lawn-mowing to be done. No money? No work. Hey! She paid the Twats 100$ PER… I was down ton12,50$. Nope… no longer. Bad enough I have to mind the animals when she’s gone… 75$ a week-end… 300$/month… and again, no cooked meals, save when she’s away. – Hopefully I’ll find and get a place quickly… and be gone. (Hopefully in one, uneventful trip.) – 21.37 so tired I’m not even going to read. I’ll probably “nap” and be up at 1.00… I’ll read then. – Fuck.

Sat.7.Oct: 3.32 AND 6 hours later… I wake from my “nap” here to the annoyance of the 100$ lawn-mowing money. Guess I’ll have to “bill”… send an “account”. Yep… QUNT. – 4.30 Coffee. Smoke. Draft of new Crgslst post. And feeling “light-headed” suddenly. Not tired, but more like “that one sip of the one drink too many”. Great start to an early day here. Oh well. It seems I got enough sleep, since I woke on my own. I was fine until I got through writing the Crgslst post. “Anxiety”? I can’t help but wonder. And waking with that very first thought… then jotting the inclusion of this environment of “restraining orders” and violence… 4 years of it! Consciously, I manage… UN-consciously, it’s been taking a toll. And now, it’s all approaching the “final moments” and I have to wonder: will the TSP and Soc.Sec. be posted promptly and properly to the account or am I going to have to battle with that too? Considering my “Life”, I’m expecting shit. And, I’m not liking it. I’m tired of the shit… even now with this 100$ nonsense. Last evening there was enough time for her to say: Here’s the lawn-mowing… etc. Or, put it under the door to the room. She’s playing me the way she plays the others: Mark had to come for his pay, Rick too. And she plays the roll of the daft, suffering widder-lady. Well… she can play “her people”… I’m not one of them. I might not have much time left on my clock, but I won’t “go out” the fool. – Shabbat… Shalom(?). – 12.06 Library… AND “ADK” IS DONE! Not too shoddy. Still a few tweaks that I’d like to do, but right now, as it stands, it’s fine and serves the purpose. – I left just after 9.00. Rick was at table with Mme. He’s come for at least SOME of the money she owes him and probably for some of the materials he’s already laid-out for. From what I heard, she’s pulling the “I’m so broke!” bull-shit. She’s sitting there with 850$ in cash, owes me AT LEAST 100$ (OUT OF THE 400$ TOTAL), and she’s pulling her shit again. Me? I’m just going to ride this out and along and see IF she even offers money. I doubt it… and am thinking it’s going to have to go to court. I’ll have to work a “Bill” or “Invoice” to hand to her. Once that’s done, if I don’t collect the whole amount, I’ll take it to court. I need the money, I put in the work and I know how she plays. – For now… I’m still running on being awake at 3.30 this morning. Tried to “nap” for an hour but never really “slept”. Got up and WOW have I GOT THE RUNS! Stomach is churning a bit even now. No surprise. – Onward… KADIMA! –
(MEMO Sent to Woodhauler from ADK e-mail:
Well… the site is up and running and LOADED with pictures! It’s pretty good, if I do say so myself. Odd, working on it at the library, just like the old days of the Journal. But it’s been rather nice, being at a library right across the street, 3-4 or more hours to just sit at the computer and work. Depressing? You bet it is. But it’s done and again, it’s served well as a distraction.

And, there’s a new post put out on Crgslst. Almost great, since I can now look for a rental and don’t have to depend on “freebies”. This morning I got to browse a bit on the listings already there and found another folk looking, pretty much for the same thing I’m looking for. The encouragement? The rent rates. 4-500 buck a month. So I’m not being TOO ridiculous in my hopes of finding something of that price range. It would be perfect to find something even less. I can work (as I’ve been doing) upwards of 1400. But we shall see. As I say, it’s nice to know that I’ll be able to find “rental” and not just an exchange.

Gee… I wonder if Joanna would re-consider. I doubt it. That ship not only sailed… it SUNK. Their loss.

And what a relief it will be to leave… Hopefully I can get the Subaru to where it will take a 100-mile run. It would be nice to be able to take the first Soc.Sec. payment and put it into the car. But it’s more important to simply get up and get out and away. (And that can be done when she’s at work…)

Still no payment for the lawn-mowing.. but there’s more on that in the Journal.

For now… quite the morning… Let’s see how the rest of the day goes… I’ll be trying to avoid… as usual.

Much love….)
14.41 Well, I lost it today for a bit. Came in, about 13.30, started nice chat and on the table, another demand from Unemployment but no mowing money and… we had “the talk”. Fuck! She sickens me. But it ended calm and I came to the room. – ADK has Twtr now. Not sure why but maybe it’ll help get word out. Will post photos mostly. Work. – Rains have arrived. Mme. has been pftuzing about the place. “Cleaning”? We shall see. And Mimou is here with me. Poor little thing… He and Hallie will be neglected when I’m gone… I’ve no doubt. – (Raging fire in the wood-stove. Can’t imagine why. It’s not “that” cold.) – Hungry… but I have to wait… cheese sandwiches tonight, I should yhink. – 18.55 In bed (still) and jammies. I’ve learned why depressed people sleep… it’s better that way… like induced coma. And now to read. – Still no money on the kitchen table. Of note: when I mentioned, earlier, the 100$ she “gave” the Twats for mowing once monthly, she IMMEDIATELY said “Sometimes they did it twice.” Immediate defence of them. Purely evil. Pure hate. As I said to her: Luce pulled a gun , Cecil yelled vulgarities. I’m 3rd… and it’s still the same. It’s not “us”… other than we see her evil… and it makes us sick. (She neither defended herself nor denied.) – 22.36 and hot in this room. Door open. Porch window too. Air still. And only a few chapters left to red in Herriot. I have to save them. Tomorrow’s a wasted day. No more mowing. I’ve resolved. No more “work”. Hell, the old cow cut her sunflowers down on her own today. 2 or 3 hay-carts hauled to the old “compost” pile. I watched her haul the last of them and fought back the urge to help. Fuck the old thing. Evil walking. And since she had the audacity to tell me that she’ll get Curtis to mow here, and pay HIM 35$, let her fork over her money. It’ll make no difference to me. But I AM OWED A LAP-TOP!!! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. – Speaking of which, hers will shit the sheets soon… and if she gets one, her shit will have to be transferred. She’ll sucker somebody into it, I’ve no doubt. Dave… or Jes… and good luck with that. But eventually, perhaps, she’ll wear them thin as well and having to go back to faxing her “Jesus sales”… the road trips will dwindle and… as it is with Evil… she’ll be left alone to rot. Amen. – Well, oddly, I’m not exhausted. Napped about an hour before cheese sandwiches and peaches at about 17.00. And tomorrow? The cow will be off to church, no doubt, cleansing her pea brain of guilt, “washed in the forgiving blood of her saviour” as they do. And me? Keeping to myself, some-how. No library to escape to. It’s going to be a LONG day.

Sun.8.Oct: 8.45 Very warm. Very breezy. Very overcast. And just in from a smoke. 2 left in the pack. I’ll have to be dipping into the account. – She’s whining on the phone in the kitchen. Mimou is on the porch. Hallie is in the kitchen. And I’m wondering why I’m awake. At least I haven’t been up since before day-light. Now, to fill the hours. Perhaps I’ll get back to writing. I can do that. I have to get the “invoice” for mowing done. If my legs would carry me, I could have gone walking. But there are storms in the forecast. Not that it would make any difference. I just don’t want to do anything to jeopardise NY. – Last night, two chapters about depression. Herriot. How appropriate. One fellow, appearing apathetic, stoic, succeeded in ending it. The other, “worked through” it. How odd, to read that at this juncture. Me? I just don’t want body or soul associated with this place. Although, it would serve right. “She drove him to suicide.” they’d know. I keep thinking: “I’m not from this town. She doesn’t fool me.” The Stanhopes, Jada, her daughter, me. We know. And as I said, Luce took a gun to her, Cecil spewed curses… Yeah… we know. Not that it does any good, thus far. – This morning I ponder:
It’s a battle of wits. If I can hold, as in The Shelter, long enough to accumulate 2 months’ Soc.Sec. I could leave here with what I came here with. It worked then… I just have to figure my logistics… and stamina. It’s a shame that I have ambition. I don’t like being idle. Another lesson to learn, as I think: I’ve learnt how to be like them… It doesn’t mean I have to become them.
Well… just to figure my “how” and move on. Rabbi Lewis said” Don’t ask “why” things happen, rather, ask “what” you’ll do about it and “how” you’ll work through and out of it.
Sunday, 8 October… let’s get on with it. – My stomach is sour. My bowels need moving. Mme.Q. is in the loo. Perhaps she’ll be off to Jesus at some point. And out-side the screen door, the sky darkens even more. – 19.05 In bed… ready to read the end of book 3, Herriot. Mme. took Hallie at about 16.45 and not back yet. Her note and a 100bill in an envelope still on the kitchen table. Let’s see if it stays there or is offered. Nice to think I’m no longer invited about town. Comforting, really. Shows that I’m truly NOT “a part of this place”. Knowing them as I’ve come to do… it’s a high compliment. But… the light is on at the door. I’ve got more class and maturity than those around me. – Got more of the next book written. Will have to figure where to transcribe it. On the Author blog, perhaps, password protected. Will see tomorrow… at the library. – Mimou is in. Don’t want him out there at night. – Tomorrow is “Thanksgiving”. Ah… perhaps Mme. is having dinner in town. Giving “thanks”? Oh, to laugh. – Earlier, I had a Chunky and roll. No nibbles tonight. But hopefully I’ll be asleep soon. Tomorrow is the holiday… turkey sandwich… like the days of Margot… and Brighton Beach/Ocean Parkway. So long ago… still so clear in heart and memory. Oh well. “Normal”… for me. – Time to “wrap”. – 22.11 Another Herriot done. – Mme. rolled in maybe and hour or so ago, with Hallie, all cheery, as if she’d just strolled out to the store. We chatted about Mimou and Hallie, she went to the loo. I’d ventured to the kitchen to get some chocolate raisins as she walked in. Ah yes, it was about 20.00 when she’d come in through the door so, whilst she was occupied else-where, I snatched some and came back to the room. – Well… another warm night. Door open. Good thing too. This room is heavy with that foul odour of frankincense. Stifling. – Anyway, it’s interesting to think: I came here with the notion of keeping my distance from it all, no ties or binds, and so it turns out that way. As I said yesterday: 6 years and not one I’d call “friend”. I’ve worked hard through it all, very hard, indeed. Much harder than the lot I’ve met here. Never begrudgingly. But I’m not cut from this fabric. I’m not “entitled” and surely not the kind to bemoan. I’m not this “sort” and never want to be of it, selfish, self-serving, wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. Good thing I haven’t “fit in”. As Silas said: You don’t expect them to stab you in the back so when they do, it hurts all the more. Well, I wonder how he managed, if he stayed. I’d rather doubt it. Not mature enough to battle it out here. But, bless him, where-ever he may be. – Time for a bit of soc.med. then hopefully a bit of sleep through. – She brought a box of apples back, probably from her “church trip” to Ste. Anne’s where she shampooed Hallie in the lake again. Some must be bruised because I can smell them on the air. She’d be a right woman if she had any smarts and humanity about her. But she’s not, obviously, being if the sort to bring a man to take a gun to her and a religious man to cursing. It’s not me. – My eyes are going. I tried the 3.0 readers today… they don’t clear the blur. Probably a lack of day-light. I don’t know. We’ll learn what it is when we do. – Now… hope for some sleep to pass the night. Tomorrow at 10.00… library until 14.00. Then to hope to pass the time for 3 hours more and… empty house… and 3 nights of horror and terror from up-stairs… and hopefully, no encounters.

Sun.9.Oct: 7.45 Fête des Graces (and Columus Day) and… RAIN. Why am I awake to be recording this? I’d be more “thankful” were I tapping this from “beyond”. But I woke, and decided to get dressed. And so I am. Well, I need to appear awake by 10 anyway. So? But hey, I can’t mow, or do anything about the grounds in this rain, so… (Not that I would anyway.) – I need a shower too. There’s tonight for that though. – Had one of those “spells” last night as I went to bed. Light-headed, slightly nauseated. It’s probably a clot. One of these days. Funny, but my last thought was: It would (or will) be soon… BEFORE I get my Soc.Sec. and get back to NY. Fate will see to that. Anyway… here we go again… Good morning heart-ache, I will always be in a club with you in 1973. – 12.32 Library since some time after 10.00… This is day is going along quickly! I’ve got EIGHT pages, 6×9 already and in Garamond 11pt, typed/transcribed! It’s what I came here to do this morning and it’s DONE! ACCOMPLISHED! – Spoke briefly with Mme. before leaving. She mentioned washing her windows today. Wouldn’t it be lovely if I were to do it for her? Yes, it would. Will I? Fuck NO! Do I have anything other to do? Well… there’s more to be written on the book now that there are enough pages. Anyway… the new book is in ODT and DOC and PDF on the Author blog/site. It’s where I decided to keep it as I move along. THANK THE GODS for WORDPRESS! Ah… look at that: Today’s Thanksgiving… I AM SO THANKFUL! – And so the rains continue to fall out-side. I need something to eat for when I’m back in the “cell” (little room). But that’s only until 17.00 or so when… FREEDOM! and the bull-shit of the Twats. Lettuce sea how it all turns out. Meanwhile… THIS Journal is up-to-the-moment, Author is… well… OK. ADK could use some more work. But other-wise… I’ll be starting the 4th and last Herriot today. – 19.15 in bed and jammies. Meal today was a tin of lentils, thickened with flour. Filling. – When she left, I took the 100 to the store for 2 packs of smokes and a 12-pack of Tea. I’ve had one just now. Watched a bit if news and began dozing so… I hope Hallie’s fine (bloody Hell… The fucking phone!) because I just don’t want to be bothered with her attitude and not coming back in. She’ll have to learn: go out and come in. I’m not playing. – At the library, there were 3 replies to my flat request post. I answered them. One was somebody with 2 dogs. I declined with explaining that I don’t want to be in a place where I might be expected to take on the pets. The one in Wilsboro might not be too bad and there was another in a cabin, up for sale, “mortgage” of 525 a month. VERY isolated, though up and down the road, double-wides. Will see if it’s for rent and if so, with or with-out utilities and such. No matter what… it’s not for a long while. We shall see. There’s time. – For now? Tired as usual. Not much noise up-stairs. – Had the plants out today. Something is attacking the avocado. Dark brown spots on the leaves. Nothing better go wrong with that orange tree! But in this acursed house… – My mind and such don’t adjust to her being away any more. I’m in constant “high stress”. This place makes me sick… literally.

Tue.10.Oct: 8.24 Up. Coffee. Breakfast served to the critters. Pee’ed. Smoke. Washed the pot, bowl and spoons of yesterday’s meal. Overcast. Cooler than the past couple of days. And another day. Another day. Another day. – 11.13 Finger nails, bed linens and room-Hoovering done. I emptied the old bag (the Hoover bag, to be specific). What a mess! But it’s done. – Sun is shining. Temperatures rising. And my ribs are aching. Alas… another day. I need to break out of this morbidity. – Been thinking: I need to get some food. I have the free lifts to the market. But that old “Nothing for free” keeps running through my mind. – So too… my lap-top. Pisses me off. And knowing she wants me out if here before she replaces it. And that I’ll have to listen to shit IF it ever comes to replacing it. But there’s software that needs replacing too. We shall see. – 21.10 in bed and as I brushed my teeth before showering just moments ago… INLAY OUT! AS I BRUSHED. THE ONE DIRECTLY BEHIND THE CROWN THAT CAME OUT ABOUT A WEEK AGO. Shit is REALLY falling apart now. – And so, from about 15-17.00 I worked more on ADK WP. Looking rather nice. But it was late beginning and there was that “class” at the library so I wrapped-up and left. Came to the hole, fed the critters and went to the store for turkey, rolls, crisps, V8, ice cream, eggs (which I’ll have to consume before Thursday morning now… but there’s me, Mimou and Hallie for that. Better them than… her). Meal: Dipped turkey cold-cuts in egg and flour and fried… sandwiches x 3. V8. Ice cream after with the news. – At 20.00 it was off to a nice shower and done with the day. Clothes in washing now. – Tomorrow? Hopefully some writing! Nothing else on the agenda. – Next week… market for coffee and wht-ever I can think of to store in here. – For now… debating on a Tea with soc.med. The reading. – Wow though… fresh out of the shower, clean jammies and linens and I still find that I smell “sour”. Old age is slamming into me. – All.day my lower back and sides have been sore. Kidneys? I wonder. It wouldn’t surprise me… so close to.Soc.Sec. and such. Well… Kay Sarah Sarah. – (Mimou is behaving like a cat… running about the place. Sweet heart.)

Wed.11.Oct: 8.17 Difficult to get up and out of bed this chilly but almost clear morning. Great pain in and round the abdomen. I wonder: all that flour in the lentils? Kidneys going? Tumour? Don’t care, really. But critters fed. Got to get the garbage out. – Mimou’s down to 2,5 tins of food (but there’s still dry). – Mme. left no toilet paper. Good that I hoard when I can or I’d be using paper towels. And she tied the garbage bag, as if I have nothing to contribute. There’s nothing and nobody in the world but her… we know. – There seems to be something in that tooth where the inlay is now gone. But, thankfully, no pain. – Well… I’m dressed anyway. So I suppose this day is officially “open”. As if I give a shit (which I’m trying to do with difficulty… maybe it IS all that flour with the lentils. Plaster.) – 21.31 Made it through another day. With 2 hours and 3 more written pages on the book and the kitchen floor washed (only so I had a relatively clean place in which to sit and write). And I’m showered ow, in bed. – Cranked the house heat up to the 70 mark all day and had the little heater cranked in the room. Turned the house back to the 50 mark before showering. This room is hot. The house is warm. Will have to re-freeze the place before the qunt returns though. 4 days of bitter damp to come. – There was hair and beard, tools to bring back to the car and kippot on my list to do. But I’m happy to have more to type for the book tomorrow. Library…9-18.00 tomorrow. (I wonder if Mme.Q. will.be going to Costco before returning… if she’ll be bringing her Shelly/Sherry with. Ah yes… at first she said the woman’s name is Shelly… referred to her as Sherry. But they’ve been good friends for many years. Poor gal. And I can’t help but wonder off she’ll be “offering” Shelly/Sherry some accommodations here… to “help around”. More like “do the work”. We shall see… time will tell.). – Only a bit of nuisance from the Twats all the while. I wonder what’s transpired. On Monday, I played my recorded message about being “removed” for Mme. Again, she denied. I pointed out to her that the 3 messages clearly indicate that she HAD discussed my “removal” and that her message clearly indicates a lie in which she claims “no answer” when she allegedly phoned. Well… at least she knows what I know and that the recording is safely copied and stored else-where for others to hear. – Now, time to settle in. Mimou is purring here beside the bed. Hallie is hiding away in “her” room Out-side, the night is chilled. In here, I’m keeping the heater up and running to keep the walls and such warm. Mme.Q. doesn’t understand thermodynamics: cheaper to maintain warmth than to fluctuate. Alas… as they say about this North Country… “She’s French”.

Thu.12.Oct: 8.19 Didn’t get to sleep until.about 2.00… reading. And just got a message… “working until noon”. I could go back to bed. But I’m dressed and critters fed. And it’s 2° out there. Sun’s shining. But frosty grasses. And library open until.18.00 so… So much for the day. – “Working”… she’s in an environment where (I’ve come to think) she’s comfortable: those around her are of equal or lower functionality so she’s with peers or “lower”. So, let her e happy. – And yes, the house is chilled. Didn’t take long over-night. One could die of consumption round here. But I’ve got the heater. – First thought this morning: cold weather is in… good for housing… and courts. I don’t like this system here but, thanks to the freak, I’ve learnt a thing or two. Still… I NEED to get out and away. – Loo time and on with the day. Fuck. – AND… 15.37 at the library and this morning was difficult to say the least. I didn’t get here until about 11.45 and have been busy working on the ADK blog ALL DAY! YES! FINALLY! It’s just about where I’d like it to be. Not bad. Not shoddy at all. Let’s call it “Presentable”. And now, there are 3 sheets of legal pad to be done for the book and I haven’t even looked at those yet. The library is open until 18.00 and it looks like I’ll be here until then at this rate. – Bad news? I’ve nothing to eat tonight… no meal for the day. There’s Ramen in the room and a roll, but nothing else. It’s going to be a tough night as things stand unless, between now and when I leave, I can think of something… POP TARTS! Or, maybe I’ll drop into the store and get more cheese. We shall see what we shall see. It’s difficult to think of something to eat when you’ve got no teeth to chew with. And nobody knows… and it’s nobody’s business. – Well… time to move along. There’s more e-mail to check and typing to be done!!! – Until later…. – 20.29 Got in at about 18.00 to no smokes and no thanks for the floor. She’d been back from about 14.00. Bought toys for dog and cat and a fancy covered litter box though. We chatted… briefly and I came to the room. – Just calc’ed mowing dues. At 35$ Curtis-rate: 405. At 25$ DiscountMe-rate: 175. No matter how you shake it, the qunt owes me for the lawns. And at current exchange of 0,80$, that 405 is 505… lap-top!!! Shit is going to heat-up… very soon. I’m not leaving here with-out my lap-top. – Meanwhile, she’s gone in the truck with Hallie. Been gone about an hour or more. Stomping up-stairs a bit. And I’m in jammies after a Velveeta roll, tinned peaches, 8 swigs V8 and some cookies. – 22.32 She rolls in at 22.00, banging about in the kitchen as the Twats’ dig runs up and down the stairs and even now the kitchen-banging goes on. Yeah? Well… the heater is on in this room tonight. No more bull-shit. If she wants another Winter of Hell (like she had with Stanhopes last year)… let’s let it roll. ’tis the season… I’ll.start rounding-up my back-up… – Time for a smoke and read. Afternoon library tomorrow. – I need to write in the morning.

Fri.13.Oct: 6.33 Oh my. Friday the 13th. Isn’t this supposed to be a “bad luck” day? There’s been no mention. Probably on the soc.med. some-where. And why am I awake at this hour? I just woke. No alarms. But here I am. And no difference from any other morning, save the pain in my left jaw and neck again, and the cracking… again. One of these days I’ll find out what that’s about… or not. Yes, a typical morning of being resentful of being awake. And it’s a bit dark, still. But she’s not awake yet so that’s nice. No bang-slam in the wood-stove (yet). OH! AND THE HOUSE HEAT WAS UP LAST NIGHT! ÇA SE PEUT TU? So it’s quite toasty in this little room this morning. How novel. She must have rolled in after a bit of drinking last night, round about 22.00 or so. It was almost mid-night when I heard the recliner crash. Goodness me. And how charming. I always remember Mrs. Twat saying “As long as she has her wine, she’s OK.” But… that’s none if my business. Speaking 9f which, I need to go get smokes today. Oh well… – So let’s see how we pass yet another day here… another day. The “Battle of Wits” continues… Shelter Days continue. – 9.40 up from a nap. Went out for a smoke to find Mimou on the porch. When I came in, so did he. Made my “appearance” at the kitchen. Mme. in house-coat at table. “Guess who I threw out this morning. I figured I’d had enough cat for one morning.” Oh yes? And when I went to the loo, guess who hadn’t bothered to flush since last night. Piece of work, that one. – Well… the day commences. – 15.35 Library again. Been here from since almost 14.00. Mme. Q. left the premises round about noon or 13.00 or what-ever. Never said a word. But then again, I keep the door to the room closed when I’m there so she doesn’t know whether to knock or not. Although, I’ve no doubt at all that if she has any trouble with her Shomali shit, she’ll be pounding away. Fucking idiot. Anyway, it’s a lovely day out there and I should be out doing something in it. HAH! My first line of business when I got here was to make a spread-sheet for what I calculate she owes me (in addition to a new lap-top, of course) for mowing her fucking lawns. At the going “Curtis” rate of 35$ per: 405US/505CAD. If I wanted to be “kind” (and I DO NOT!!!) at a “Kind” rate of 25$ per: 175US/218CAD. That 505CAD would get me my lap-top! Well… we shall see where this goes… I have the spread-sheet (it won’t print for some reason though). I have it in PDF and will pull it to the phone (since I’ve e-mailed it to me) and can forward it to her via e-mail or print where/when ever. QUNT! – Stopped at the store for smoke before coming here… 2 packs: 20,16$! 10,08$ each! WHO in Fux name do they think they are? By the carton at Costco is 7,50 each! Just another thorn in my eye about this shit-hole. – Speaking of eyes… I keep getting some kind of “film” over mine lately. Vision is blurry and often, it feels as if there’s some kind of build-up in the corner. Allergies in the house? Or what? Pisses me the fuck off. But then again… so does everything in that place. – Mimou is in the house alone. Library open until 18.00 but I don’t know that I’ll be here that long. There are a few more pages to be typed for the book and then? And then. – This “Life of Leisure” is killing me. I can’t wait to get out of here and to someplace where I can look forward to being, sitting… and writing in earnest again. – LIFE is one grand shit! – 18.27 Got back from the library at about 18.00. Empty house. Had a few gulps of V8, the half block of Velveeta with some crisps. “Meal”. Mimou got dinner and we had a smoke. Cool but comfy evening out there tonight. There’s wood in the stove, not “burning” but there to send smoke up the chimney. – (19.02… she rolled in with her Sherry and I tried to be congenial. They’re going to Parc Safari tomorrow and I was invited… and declined. BUT OF INTEREST: AS I’M STANDING IN THE DINING ROOM, SHERRY/SHELLY WHO WAS IN THE LIVING-ROOM- she’s Sherry again this evening – CALLED TO Mme.. WHO WAS IN THE KITCHEN

Getting no response, she called “Did you hear me Jacquie?” to which the mumbled reply was and almost muffled “Mmmnnnnooo.” SO! Considering the allegations of Sherry being a “little slow”, we can conclude that SOMETHING QUITE NASTY HAS BEEN SAID TO HER.

INDEED! Good to know… Let me not get into “nice” versus “qunt”. – They’re having hot chocolate in the kitchen now.) – Come to learn, this morning’s departure was to fetch Sherry. Whilst I was gone, they’d come and left… to the Methodist church in Highgate where they had dinner. How charming. (Mme. won’t bring food into the house now? Hey. Fine.) – Anyway… hot chocolate for them. A Tea for me. And tomorrow they’ll be gone a while… at Parc Safari. (Sherry invited me. Said it would beat sitting in the house doing nothing. Bless her heart.) – I hear the heat coming up. I’m about to get ready for bed again. A bit of soc.med. and some reading… maybe even some writing. Who knows? At least the new book got another 3 written pages typed today. – 22.33 And for the past half hour the Twats’ dog has been running up and down the stairs almost non-stop!!! It’s an obvious battle of wits now… and a “Formal Declaration of War”. Well…

In the words of Penelope Atheras: Sometimes you have to give Karma a kick in the ass to get her started.*** –

Sat.14.Oct: 8.06 Over-slept a touch, this dreary but warmish Autumn morn. No reading last night. No writing this morning. Looks like writing will have to be done at the library. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some done there. – Yes, Mme. and chum are up and about in the kitchen. – Last night, a thought:
Since her Sherry is “a Howard client”, as she, Mme. refers to these people, I’ll bet she’s PAID to take her in for the week-end. How lovely. And, this business of today’s jaunt, well, there’s the maniacal driving habits of the old thing, and a journey out of the country. Imagine if there were to be an accident of any kind or sort. None of my business.
But this morning begins, head-ache, stiff shoulders and neck, and the thought:
*YOU’RE VERY NICE TO LET HIM LIVE HERE*
One day… One day. – But for now, they’re having breakfast. The stench of something is oozing through the wall. And the library opens at 9.00. I need to use a loo. And I’m more in the mood to return to sleep. It’s… another day… Fuck. – Hopefully they’ll go away. The forecast is for warm but cloudy. Bon voyage. Au revoir. Fuck off and away!. – 17.47 I was at the kitchen sink getting dinner for the critters when they rolled in. – I’ve managed the equivalent of 4 written pages to add to the next book today as I finished the bag of crisps and a few chocolate raisins… today’s “nourishment”. I chatted cordially, dutifully, with them for a brief while, listened only politely as Mme. described their day at a theme park almost devoid of people and sights. It’s Autumn! The “season” for such things is over. Really. But when I’d heard enough, I went for a smoke and returned to “my room”. – And just now, they’re off again. Earlier, a message from Kerry. A “party” at their place at.16.30. Well, Mme. has gathered her little friend and they’re off again. Taken Hallie… poor dear. She’ll be left alone on the porch for hours now. So it’s Mimou and I in the house. Oh… if I’m not mistaken, tonight 8s the town “Ho-down”… to which, for the first time in the years I’ve been here, I haven’t been invited. Not that I’d attend anyway. As I’ve recalled several times of late: I came here NOT to become “a part of” anything. In that, I’ll leave successful. – Well now, the sun is setting, the day, another day, is ending. Soon enough, jammies and back to bed. Tomorrow another day. No library though. Hopefully Mme. will find another reason to dodge her house-hold responsibilities and be gone. Qunt.

Sun.15.Oct: 0.29 Just finished about well over my 50 pages of Herriot, had my last smoke to be sure. It cool out there tonight and I’ve had the door open for the while as I read. A bit of fresh air in. The house is quiet and my mouth is sore from broken teeth and I swear they’re shifting. I worry about the front cap now. But time alone will tell. – Had a Tea earlier..It’s done nothing, obviously, to bring sleep. I can only hope now. But there’s nothing pressing for tomorrow. I’m resolved not to mow lawns any more. It’ll be the second week tomorrow and I don’t care. I miss the work, to be sure. But not the “charity” of it. And as things are going, I don’t expect to see the 400$ I’m still owed by agreement. 100$ to that shit up-stairs and I’m expected to be generous and stupid. This situation will deteriorate rapidly in due course. So be it. As I say: I’ve learnt how to be like them… but I’ll never become one of them. No doubt the town is a-chatter. But those words of Sherry last night:
*YOU’RE VERY NICE TO LET HIM LIVE HERE.*
Clueless little thing, that gal. I could “live” here for a couple of months and still be ahead, all that I’ve put into this place. But, there’s no sense fretting over it. I’ve come across shit before… after all, what could be worse that my own sister taking me away whilst life is packed into a truck in my absence? Never mind the note tacked to the door at 5225? No. No sense fretting. – But today I have to think about food too. THAT TOO will (has already) come to an end. Once again… usefulness is done… I’m to be discarded. No sense fretting. Karma… – Time for shut-eye. I’ll be up again in a bit… and facing the bull-shit. – 9.56 CAN you believe it? Almost 10.00 and JUST waking up! Wow! I cut the 2 alarms at 8 and dozed. That’s almost 9 hours of sleep. Well… not eating might have something to do with it. But, no matter. Over-cast. Rather quite warm, and much rain in the forecast so…? Couldn’t mow if I was going to (which I’m not). May as well roll with it. But the house is quiet (oddly). Funny how, when Sherry’s here it’s quiet up-stairs. But then, the Twats put the dog on the stairs… beside me. What-ever. And no banging on the wood-stove at 5.30. “Respect for their own”. Good. – And so, another day of “Battle of Wits”. Let the game begin! – At some point I have to get food… I have to figure what I can eat… with all these broken teeth. Oh well. Hey, at least I’m not freezing. Eh? – 20.19 and just finished 2 episodes of Herriot on youtube… on the PHONE! IMAGINE? They’re delightful, really. The characters aren’t as I’d thought them, but the show is wonderful. Like meeting people I’ve already met. – Meanwhile, the RAIN’S POURING DOWN IN TORRENTS OUT THERE IN THE DARK! TORRENTS! Tomorrow’s supposed to be like-wise. Oh well… excuse for no work, In suppose. No bother. – Earlier, in Mme.’s absence, I got my spade and dirt rake into the Subaru. The rake won’t fit into the trunk though. Well, we’ll see how it all works out when need be. – Noticed too, the entire front row of bean trellises in the garden were blown over in today’s winds. Toppled right over to lean on the back.row. Hard luck, that. I didn’t bother with them. No sense in it. Let’s see her get somebody to pit it all right again. – The rain’s just let up a touch and she’s bringing Hallie out. Damn shame. She should have had to try it in the deluge. She came back at 17.00 from bringing her Sherry back to BYV today. Fixed herself some dinner, didn’t bother to ask if I’d like a bite (not that I would). Filled her face and went to her recliner where she’s been since. Lazy, daft, cow. – Anyway… I don’t break bread with those I don’t like. Come to think of it, this whole fucking town could bring starvation in that respect. (But I had a 3rd roll with peanut-butter, frosting, and finished the half’n’half so I’ve got calories.) – I’m smelling a bit on the funky side tonight. A shower would be most welcome. Tomorrow night though. Hopefully I won’t go bad over-night. (She’s a bit of work… a bit of sing-song from the porch, letting Hallie back in. Another Margot, that one… just as spoiled, entitled, delusional.) – I thought, as I had my smoke: there’s no good sense being pre-occupied… or occupied other-wise, for that matter, with the likes of her. Hopeless, she is. She ought to be left alone. But it’d do her no good. The old thing hasn’t the mental capacity to know she’s an arse. Besides, she’ll hornswaggle the state to pay her to keep one of their wards… just as I’m sure she’s being paid to take Sherry for the week-end. – She received a cheque from “Jesus-selling” on Thursday. No mention, no cash. She’s a waste of humanity, she is. – Started on the 11th page of writing already. Much to type-up tomorrow at the library. Looking forward to it. Up to entry into the Shelter. Won’t get into it all. It’s been an “introduction” into how it came that I got to these *Green Mountains Black Skies* (working title, but I like it). Next will be the arrival and the chapters on the “people” I’ve met over these 6 years. The “Black Skies”, as they are. Looks like the nice chapters will be the dogs in Shelburne (if I can find their names on this Journal some-where), Sparky, Letitchat in Richford… Ellie and… m’DIXIE, Hallie and Mimou. The rest? Well, Brenda, Abbie… Richard (Richford)… Robin laBelle and the Bel Aire… I need to make a list… the rest are, to memory… shit-bags… all. OK… Lyle. “I love you like the brother I never had.” We’ll see when it’s all done. – Meanwhile, time for jammies. The rains have let up. It’s about time to read. My teeth are a bit sore… gums, really. A nice hot tea would be very nice but… there’s Tea to be had. – And OH YES… the reason I slept-in this morning: I didn’t get lights out until 2am! So it was only about 8 hours’ sleep anyway. Can’t do that tomorrow… I’ve got serious typing to get done in the morning.

Mon.16.Oct: 1.fucking.forty.four a.fucking.gain. – 1.52 just in from a smoke and temperature has dropped. And no fucking heat again. – It’s about to become a “Shelter Winter”: no hot food. – 8.54 and 6° with a high of 8 for the day after 25 yesterday. And the clouds. Autumn. – Cut the alarms this morning, rolled over and back to sleep. It’s fine. Library at 10.00 today. – Feeling run-down though. A bit of the usual plus the sugar intake of yesterday… and not getting to sleep until 2.00 again this morning. – Another day… another day. But “she’ll” be out, away and gone this evening. Can’t happen soon enough. – 16.17
All morning at library just typing pages for the new boom. When I got in at almost 14.00 had to pee. Looked in the mirror whilst wearing my glasses to find…

16.53 Something is cooking in the kitchen. She’s sitting at her lap-top, at a “Jesus-selling” order, dressed. WTF? I’ve lost my “window” to call for a lift to market on Wednesday. 2 more rolls with peanut-butter frosting for today’s “meal” left. I’ve enabled her. I know. And I’m pissed and ready for more sleep because of it. And I’ve got head-ache… from this shit and the eyes. If it weren’t for the book… if I had my lap-top the book could get done sooner. I’m becoming consumed… with HATE. And it’s sickening. – 17.10… She announces she’s leaving. Goodbye. Farewell. Auf wiersehen. GTFO. – Now… to figure what I’m going to do about food! – This “eyes shit” is bugging me. – 19.04 Chicken nuggets with cheese… “meal”. A bit of news and giving the electrician Mme.’s mobile number. Add, determination to get my lap-top and this day is a fuck. Done. I don’t have the energy or ambition to shower tonight. – Teeth. Eyes. Back. Numb feet and legs. We’re heading “out”. The end is beginning. I have to get back to NY!

Tue.17.Oct: 1.02 for no apparent reason the lights went out for about 30 seconds. I was reading Herriot and sudden darkness… even through the window so the post office too went dark. Not the first time. The alarm radii in the white room still flickers from the last time. Fucking place. Hopefully it didn’t fuck with the furnace. I’ve got the little heater on just in case. Expected to be quite cold tonight. – About my eyes… I wonder if peanut butter frosting doesn’t play into it. Oh well… blind… just before Soc.Sec. It was bound to happen. – Lights out for now. Probably wake completely blind in a few hours. – 8.04 Coffee. Loo. Smoke. Critters fed. Fire re-started in the stove. Done. – Eyes, wonky. And it’s another sunny, hard-frosty morning. – We’ll see if we can get a lift to market tomorrow. (It’s come to this.) – I figured I’d get to Soc.Sec. and keel. Here we go. – Minus 1 with chill of minus 3. – 14.53 Library… on a day too nice to pass inside but… I’m tired. What’s new? – This morning, I rang to see if I could get a lift to the market tomorrow. Nope. Need 48 hours advance. Oh well. AND, I needed the address for Hannaford’s! Imagine that! Come to find out, the GMTA office is in BTV and they had NO idea where anything is up here. In fact, they’ve little idea about up here at all. Anyway, it turns out that I have a life NEXT Wednesday… I hope there’s enough left on the FS card to make it worth a trip. AND, oddly, that’s the day when I should be getting my FIRST SOC.SEC. payment (IF I manage to survive that long). ANYWAY… there it is. – Got my bed-things washed and dried. The qunt left her shit in the dryer again. But it’s not unusual any more. – OH! Last night, 19.42, she sends me a message: ” Hope Ms Hallie & Minou are fine! I forgot my caake on the island could you saran wrap on & put it in the garage fridge. Thank you.” It’s 14.58 as I type this… the “caake” is still “on the island”. FUCK YOU! How about that? I MIGHT put it in the fridge… tomorrow night. Not sure. Maybe (oh my!) I didn’t get the message or maybe (oh my!) I didn’t see it “on the island” or maybe (oh my!) it slipped my mind because I’ve other things to think about like being “removed” and how “nice” it is of you to “let” me “live here”. Oh my oh fuck. – Meanwhile, my eyes are still wonky but not as bad as yesterday. The cataracts are still visible. I’m thinking all the frosting may have set my system off. Before coming here, I heated a Ramen, the left-over nuggets and cheese and had that. No more ice cream, I suppose. Besides… I have to pull the FS tight. – Now? On to applying for Medicaid today. THAT should prove “interesting” and annoying. But, if I’m going to need my eyes worked on… Oh, that I drop dead in my sleep before such bull-shit! (And of course, IF that’s to happen… it’ll be next Tuesday.) – Fuck me. – 21.35 Showered. Clothes in the wash. And the house is settled. How charming. – Caught up with the on-line Journal today. And tried to apply on-line for Medicaid but, as always, it fucked up so I have to phone tomorrow. Dipsbits, all. But it was a fun sort of evening with Linda at the library discussing cataracts and language. She’s the “learning” one of the 3 there so it’s intriguing, talking with her. – And I learned that yes, if I need cataract surgery, they can put me out for it. They don’t like to because it takes all of 15 minutes, but for people with *ammataphobia* (fear of eyes) (there’s a name for it), they do. Relief. – Oddly though, my eyes are better with the newer, stronger reading glasses and after having washed my face. The grey is still there on the iris, but vision is better. I wonder if there isn’t something on the glasses? Something on my skin? Sugar? I’ll probably never know… If Soc.Sec. comes through, I’ll probably be dead next Tuesday… hahaha…really. – Now for a Tea or 2. Soc.med. and maybe some reading. Almost done with Herriot and no library tomorrow so no more books for a while. Hmmm… – Missing the G’s crowd tonight. Missing a lot of late. Time to leave this shit-hole… Where is NY? (I re-posted to Crgslist today too.)

0.30 Laundry done. Mimou on the floor at bed-side. An evening at G’s (Twtr), 2 Teas and now last smoke and try for a nap. Garbage day… (wish they’d take the trash too). – 1.00 on the nose and…
AGAIN, JUST AS LAST NIGHT, THE TOWN’S GONE DARK. 1.01 AND THE LIGHTS ARE BACK ON. IT DIMS A BIT, THEN GOES OUT, THEN COMES BACK DIM AND BRIGHT AS RIGHT. I WONDER WTF IS GOING ON. –
Ah well, to finish my chapter of Herriot. Have to read easy… not many pages left and there’s tonight. I need my reading now… escape. – 8.24 and morning routine is done. Had to double-bag the garbage. Something poked through the bag that Mme. Brilliante left out-side the porch door on Monday. DELIGHTFUL. So I’m clothed as I sit tapping, on the carsie. Meanwhile, next door, there’s a back-hoe, mound of dirt and a hole… Gates and Maynard are at it already behind the phone company, already this morning. – And it’s Wednesday… and it begins with a spoon-full of coffee on the floor in the little room. Hoovering next and then? Wednesday. – A bit warmer than expected though. Nice day for working out of doors. Not. The property looks a bit abandoned and that’s just fine by me. I attend the house-hold Monday evening to Thursday morning. 3 nights… still the 75$ per week, 300$ per month of service for room. AND NO BOARD. My “debt” is paid. – How nice to wake each morning, even as the golden Autumn sun illuminates the world, pissed off. Ah… Fukkit. – 10.20 and the Hoovering is done. Garbage has been picked up. Had my 2nd coffee. One jar left until next week. Sun shining. Nice day. Time for a nap. Had I my lap-top, much writing and cover art could be done. Qunt. – 20.58 The room got re-arranged. I brought a table in from the white room, replaced it with one that was in there, so boxes are off the floor and I’ve a place to write and sit. Still cluttered but there’s a table. Shit; I’ll be here at least another week and since I spend so much time in here niw, I want a proper chair… and writing space. That little project too a while out of the day. – Went to get food: 2 tins of Chunky, angel hair and ice cream 80$ left on the card… and I need to get to the market for coffee… in a week. HUNGER DAYS ARE COMING! Not looking forward to that. – Hallie and Mimou were very sweet this evening as we all gathered to watch the news. – I re-washed linens and the clothes are drying. – Scrubbed me down after a good shave and cut my toe nails tonight. Feeling some-what “human” for a change. – Put Mme.’s cake in the fridge. Well, saraned and tossed it. It’d been sitting on the “island” for 3 days. I don’t give a shit other than the hope it’s nasty. – And now… soc.med. and reading and hopefully a good and “civil” night. – The rest of the house is exactly as it was left on Monday. I’ve done my 75$ work. I Hoovered the floors a bit and put the vacuum right back in the entry to the living-room where it was. Fuck this shit. You’re welcome. IF I get up on time in the morning, maybe I’ll damp mop the kitchen. Library 9-18.00. I’ve no writing to type but I’ll find something to do for a while, I’m sure. – Meanwhile, the fucking stomp-fest up-stairs is done. The house is “civil”… for now. – 23.59 Not the usual 2.00, and finished the last of the 4 Herriot books. Sad, really. Hopefully there’ll be something else at the library. – Mimou is asleep on his sheets on the floor. Back toward me, facing away from the light. He just NEEDS to be close to.somebody… Blessed little creature. If only I’d known sooner. And, if only the bed were larger. If he slept up here and I turned in my sleep, the poor thing would fly. But… he’s here tonight. Tomorrow it’s back to sleeping with the cow.

Thu.19.Oct: 8.09 on another bright and sunny morn. Warm, too. Charming. Very, indeed. And all is done save, the loo which is being attended as I tap. – A week from today… officially “retired”, and still not happy a out it. The anxiety of not knowing… Was my application actually approved for Soc.Sec.? Will it post on the day promised? Will it post to the account? Will it be for the amount stated? Will somebody else grab it too? It’s enough to sour a life. But there’s no way of knowing until… a week from today. And I wonder if I should put the money into a car immediately? Or housing? Or just give up and give in? And go… “to G’s”? Time… only time will tell. Meanwhile, it’s dread and anxiety. – I’ll do the floor, if given the time. Just and only to be able to say “I did so.” – Another morning. Another day. And another chance to say… Fuck. – Library to follow. I want to check the tracking on the application and the banque. I’ll be dipping into the account… soon. Fuck. – 14.17 at the library and checked on the banque, retirement, and the likes. It’s a beautiful day out there and here? Well! The banque balance is fine.
*** BUT THE RETIREMENT WAS SENT IN A FUCKING CHEQUE!!! A FUCKING CHEQUE!!! I SEND THEM THE DIRECT DEPOSIT INFO AND THEY SEND A FUCKING CHEQUE!!! AND… ACCORDING TO THE USPS SITE, THEY RECEIVED THE PAPER-WORK ON THE 10TH! NINE DAYS AGO? WHERE’S MY CHEQUE? NOT TO MENTION, NOW I HAVE TO GET TO BEDFORD AND WAIT 15 FUCKING DAYS BEFORE I GET THE FUCKING MONEY! OF COURSE I DIDN’T EXPECT THIS TO GO ALONG WELL… OF COURSE, IT ISN’T GOING ALONG WELL. LOOKS LIKE I HAVE A DAY OF WALKING AHEAD. PROBABLY TOMORROW… IF THE FUCKING CHEQUE IS IN TODAY’S POST. ***
And other-wise, I got a board in from the barn and put it up at the window in the room so I could move the plants there for day-light. Gave me the top of the chest of drawers to stack boxes, leaving me more space on the table. (I’m going to need that space for writing… to distract me from the bull-shit of this money situation.) Very nice indeed. – The kitchen floor got mopped… lightly. AND… at 9.30 I get a message: Mme. will be attending a funeral in the morning and going to visit “Lis” after. Well gee… Fuck off. – Got a reply from Willsboro on a place. Another “no smoking” fanatic. AND another one going through “eviction” of current tenant. But I sent a charming reply (with phone numbers) explaining exactly WHY I want to get out of this place, the shit-hole, where I am… included courts, and the Twats and such. The rent’s a bit high at 700 and I have to pay water and trash and electric. Another Richford situation. But I’ll keep the matter running, jut in case. Come next week, I’ll be better situated to just get out there and LOOK! – 14.46 and the day is passing and here I am. Just looked into Crgslst for housing. One nice place in Essex. But the prices… it’s not going to be “a breeze” with only one Soc.Sec. but… Hope… WTF? Just to get me the fuck home. After that? I doubt I’ll make it through this Winter no matter what anyway. And now that I’ve no contact with Dennis? No bother. – Time to move along here… More later. It’s a no-food night tonight, more-so since the fuck-up with the USPS. So… early into bed… and a long walk tomorrow. – 16.28 Back at the shit-hole after the library. Mme. ensconced on the “Royal Recliner” (no surprise there). We chatted briefly. Come to learn, she’s been aware of the lights going out… never bothered to say. Typical.- No cheque from TSP though. According to the on-line, it was issued. There’s a zero balance on the account… they received the paper-work 9 days ago. I wonder..I’ve no cause to trust any one in this place. Time will tell. I posted a ride-share for next week to Bedford. Let’s see what comes of this. Between this and my lap-top, I see HELL down the road. Well, time to prep for it. – Meanwhile, one tin of Chunky awaits “meal” today. After that… nothing. We roll along… it’s all we can do. And I’m just waiting for night to come, a Garrison Keiĺlor book to read and… Tomorrow is another day. – “Life” becomes so burdensome… when the old cow comes in from pasture. – 21.35 and in bed at last. Day is DONE! And if one could imagine, I stood in the living-room for about an hour, playing with Hallie mostly, and was “invited” to sit down! Chatted about “Lis” who is expected ton remain in “rehab” for “6-8 months”. A bit if current politics too. I took Hallie out at about 20.00 and I came into the room to watch 2 episodes of Herriot. About 30 minutes ago, the “house” went to bed. Not a word. Better this way. The “help” is nothing more, nothing less, nothing other. – I wonder about my “cheque” though. Hopefully the retards at TSP will simply post the payment. I’ll have to delete my ride post tomorrow, it seems, since no “cheque” arrived today. Everything on hold, damn it. Oh well. It can’t be easy. But meanwhile, I’ll keep looking for a place. Hopefully a 500 will come up. There was one in Rouses Point at 575. The number to call is “802”! Put me right off. NO MORE OF THIS STATE! And certainly NOT as a landlord… even for a month! – Now… a bit of soc.med. and some Keillor and try for sleep. I’m hungry. Sleep will be a blessing but not easy… with hunger… again. – I have to say, it’s nice to watch videos though. A bit tough on this little phone. But getting it has been well worth the investment. I did something good… for me… for a change. – Don’t know if I mentioned: TSP took the fucking 20%! Out of 310 I’m getting bloody 225! Fuck! At least I’m still getting my miserable 192 for food. My taxes… returned. Bastards.

Fri.20.Oct: 5.45 Still a nightly darkness out there, and unusually warm. But the sky is as clear as can be. This morning, I could see the stars when I looked over the post office. No leaves on the trees to block the sky. It’s almost November… already. Odd, this, how the months are passing, but having no calendar, I’m not so aware of them. It could still be July, or August for all I know or care. And because I didn’t get involved with the garden, haven’t mowed a lawn in about a month, time has become irrelevant. 4 more days and it will he 6 years I’ve been here. 6 years in New England. More than 5 years. I’ve “established” my presence here… and un-like 6 years ago… the thought is sickening. – Don”t know why I’m awake. I just woke, having to take a pee, got up, put on the light on the table, grabbed the bottle and as I attended the need, decided to get dressed. Nobody else is awake (yet). The mail’s not in yet. But I’m dressed. I suppose I’ll pass the time trying to write some more. I actually got the notion to write Mum again… for a brief moment. I remember telling Rabbi Naomi Gross, in Calvary, 29 years ago, of the urge, in the morning, to write Mum. She’d advised: You just keep writing to her; one day you won’t get that urge any more… and it’ll be OK when that happens. One day it did happen. But there have been days since, when the urge returned. This is another one. So I will… for the book. – For now, let’s just try to get through another day. No doubt Mme. will toddle off to see her Lis. “Visit the sick. Bury the dead.” Those “beatitudes”. The shit that they believe grants them absolution of their ills and crimes against others and rewards them with some “eternal peace” in some “place” called “Heaven”. Bollocky bunch of right twats, them. Yeah. What-ever. Dumfux is what I call it… and them. – Well… may as well see what can fill this day. There’s really no sense in being awake… nor alive, really. I just roll along as the second hand spins round the clock. Roll along… with neither purpose nor cause. I suppose THIS is my “Purgatory”… though it seems more my Hell. As Mum used to say: After this, there is no Hell, only peace, because THIS is Hell. – To make the point… the old cow is up… clink, clunk, rattle-tatting in the kitchen, and thump, thump, thump across the floor. Good, I suppose, to know it’s “out there”, but JEEZUS! How they HATE the silence. What a sickness. The whole fucking asylum… Who’d imagine I’d come to reside in a huge “Wingdale”… with a “Wassaic” interspersed. The state of “Asylum”… Feckin’ loons. – 10.41 I’m writing… having just come in from a smoke with Hallie and Mimou as Mme. chatted on the phone, obviously annoyed with me or something. There was a knock at the door, a brief exchange of words and as I look out to the back yard I see her with her “chum”, the woman who’d helped re-plant the corn in the garden… stacking the pile of fire-wood in the back yard. She wouldn’t ask me… wouldn’t mention it. In fact, when, about a week ago I’d asked if she “expected it to be stacked” for her, she replied “Not really.” OK. Fine. “Not really” it was. No doubt I’ve been painted the criminal horror. Let her lie. (She’ll toddle off to the forgiveness and absolution of her Jesus next chance she gets and all, for her, will be as if it never happened. Amen.) – Qunt. – 15.40 and I’ve just wasted almost 2 hours trying to get some kind of fucking soft-ware on this fucking computer at this fucking library so I might work on a fucking cover for the fucking book! I had to tell the Qunt how to get to her fucking e-mail and files and the likes before I left and what do I have now? NO FUCKING ACCESS TO A FUCKING IMAGE MANIPULATOR! I HAD GIMP ON MY LAP-TOP AND THAT WAS PERFECT BUT NOW? SHE’S COST ME TIME AND THAT’S COSTING ME MONEY. TIME FOR A LAWYER. I HAVE TO GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. – Make matters better? I just had to turn down a place in Willsboro. Nice little cottage-type place but what they didn’t tell me is that there will be a woman living up-stairs with her 2 teen-aged kids. HELL NO! NOT GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT AGAIN! Anyway… not very happy at the moment… time to get to the new pages I’d written this morning… get them taken care of with the time I’ve left. – I’m also hungry. There’s nothing in the room to eat… at all! Just pissing me off… as usual… this whole situation. – 18.18 back from library. – 20.13 In bed at long last. 2 episodes of Herriot. 2 turkey on rolls, some chocolate grahams and water. “Meal”. I slipped to the store after library for it. And when I came in, all was well, Mme. on recliner, of course. – She’s brought a potted something in to the back porch, parked it so I almost tripped over it trying to get to the door for my smoke. Thoughtless sow. But one has to say: typical. – I chatted only very briefly when I came in. I was hungry, and lately, hunger takes a bad toll. So the phone rang, saving me from any longer suffering and I came to the room. Been in ever since. – Shame about that place in Willsboro. The owner thinks it’ll be available end of month. The rent’s a bit high. No furnishings. The wall paper’s a bit on the tasteless flowery side. But it would have been nice… for the while. Oh well. Something’s waiting. Besides… I’m owed a lap-top and no doubt, with one, I could pick up a buck or two. Not to mention, the book. It burns me to think of the lap-top. But there’s nothing I can do about it at this time. – Good item for now: the house heat is still up. Keeps warm enough for the weather. 75F for Sunday’s forecast. Then… Monday and she’s gone again. Wednesday, market day. Somethings to look forward to… In suppose. – I’ve the feeling she’s wanting to say something about my leaving. For her sake, I hope she doesn’t else my next trip will be to court. There’s mowing money and the lap-top. One way or another. – I hear the “parade” commencing over her head. Their dog was under the porch again earlier. – Well, she got her wood stacked out back. Curtis will probably be round soon. It’ll he fun to see her pay him… I doubt he’s going to like doing this yard but… – By god! The little shit up-stairs is at full weight running. BRAVO little Twat! Have at it and give it your ALL!

Sat.21.Oct: 6.45 Great beginning… tapped to get “Memo” on the phone and got the recording of the phone messages! Managed to wake, pee (bottle, of course), dress and smoke in peace, Mme. rummaging in the fridge. Came back in, got to the bed, turned the other alarms off and THIS! What a way to begin a day… with threats. Ah well… let’s see how it goes from here anyway. – But it’s actually almost frightfully warm in here, and not particularly cold out. I’m not complaining. It surely beats the bitter cold I’ve put up with over the past several years. It was good warmth in the North Star (though that stunk of old cigarettes), Bel Aire and Fran’s. Steve’s was horrifically cold, as was Richford. Little was colder than 5225. And here, at 5199? Last Winter was quite chilly. Anyway… it’s warm now. Enjoy it whilst I may. – The pillow is wet though. Night sweat. Gee… I wonder why. Anxieties, no doubt. – Now, if only I could just get up in the morning and take a shit when I need. Oh… hahaha… I ask for too, TOO much! – A new day to fill. Library will be a bit of a mad-house. “Tractor Day” with town’s clowns all about. But, quite honestly, I’ve nothing to do over there anyway. I need to write more. Then, tomorrow… Sunday… no library… no escape. That’s the toughest day. But at least there’s food for this evening. – Another day… Why? – And so we say, as every day… Fuck. – 9.35 Just up from a nap, getting back to writing and the reality: I need my journal and the archive of my Twtr account! BOTH are on the lap-top! Fucking qunt! She’s making my life a misery. Well… off to the library. I’ll grab what I can, convert to PDF and bring it to the phone… and hope that it helps… some-how. – Library… JEEZUS! THESE *ARE* “THE SHELTER DAYS… AGAIN! THIS *MUST* EITHER END OR CHANGE! IMMEDIATELY! But the question is… “How?”. – 23.48 Went to the library from 10.30-13.00, found software to convert the LN Journal to PDF! I can now keep copies on the phone! If I had my lap-top, I could do a simple re-write but NO! Thanks to the qunt. – She’s been all “chatty-chatty” today. Makes me sick. – BUT the place in Willsboro is offering me time rent-free! Seems they’re keen on me taking the place. I’m still un-certain, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there. I left it open, asked to be kept informed about their eviction proceedings. I can’t let another good opportunity pass. It might be difficult, but let’s face it, it’s not “long-term”. We shall see. I encouraged a phone call. Time… – Opened “Otto Didactic” on Twtr at the library and am enjoying the account thus far. Good to have a nice, educated account on soc.med. – Finished my turkey with 2 episodes of Herriot this evening… in peace. Mme. went to chat with Jesus. I even had a hot tea today! THAT was infinitely wonderful! I’ve missed that. – Mme. stopped at Pam and Dave’s coming back from church. They gave her wine there and cheese from Québec to take with. She offered when she returned. I, of course, declined. Then she offered to go to the monastery where the cheese is made… tomorrow. I let the offer drop to the floor and die. FUCK NO! – Came back to the room by about 20.00… – House is calm. I’m going to try to read a bit. – Tomorrow is supposed to be hot. I think I might try to make seating in the garden behind the barn in the morning, then hide away and write… alone… in the sun. TRY… anyway. – Oh, she asked after daughter. I said, simply, “Not well.” Left it at that and changed the subject. – Tired now but want to read before sleep. – Made it through another day though!

Sun.22.Oct: 8.02 How is it, one goes to sleep feeling quite well, only to wake feeling as if one had slept under the tyre of a semi all night? Ah… another day, oppressive. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be here. It IS re-living the Shelter days. But, I’ll try to keep in mind that I’ve made it through the days before this, and I’ll make it through this one too, some-how. – Sun is up. The world is damp with dew, not frost. And it’s forecast to be 75F. It will be what-ever I want it to be. It won’t be a mowing day. I’m always a month ahead on my “due”. And come November… there won’t be the 100. So… I’ll remain ahead. – Wonderful mood and attitude at the beginning of a day. And as has become the usual: Fuck. – 15.00 and she’s off. I’d set-up seating from the barn in the empty odd space in the garden, intending to be “out of the way” and left alone. But she made her way back, Hallie and Mimou following. “We’re going for a ride and I told him he couldn’t come. (Mimou) Do you want to come for a ride?” “No, I’m writing.” “Well. OK. We’re leaving.” (Well good. Leave. I thought but didn’t say.) And… toddle toddle, they’re gone. I need to eat. The sun is setting but it’s still quite hot. But I can feel the need. Hopefully I can cook the pasta I’ve got left. – 16.25 By 15.30, pasta and a whole tin of lentils. I feel better, relaxed, tired. – She wanted me to give candy on the 31st. I refused. – Earlier thus afternoon, as I was in the barn, she was talking with Dickie, at the back fence. She must have commented on the garden and as I walked round to the gate to see Daisy’s garden (now, over-grown and sad, but with Japanese lanterns growing very well, put there for Lyle), I over-heard Dickie shout “Why doesn’t HE (me) clean it?” I flipped him the bird. He brushed it off with a snide remark and I walked away to look at the sadness on the yard at 5225. She’d had the fucking audacity to try the back door of the barn there, telling me “The out-side door opens but they closed something inside.” Then she commented on the slant of the front of the barn. I’ve only been saying for a year or more that the back is sturdy, pointed out that nobody listens when I speak, nobody knows that barn as well as I. The usual… Fucking dense. Later, I went over and took pictures. I’ll post to ADK… 5225 and 5199. “Mr. Woodhauler has obviously left the premises and the shit reverts due to sloth and neglect.” Vermonters… better to let things rot than to attend them. None of my concern. Photos of my work are archived. Let it, and them, die and rot. – And now, the breeze is warm, the air, cool. Mimou and I sat on the back.porch a while. I’m about ready for sleep. I could use a brief shower. Probably should.

Mon.23.Oct: 0.22 Three episodes of Herriot. Next queued. The last of the large Tea I’d been saving. (Down to no cash and one pack of smokes now.) Heading out for a smoke and feeling right rotten… about shitty attitudes. – She rolled in at about 19.30. I ventured to the living-room. She was having a glass of wine on top of what was obviously previous others. Snapped on about Mimou being “scrappy”. Seems he’d.discovered the black cat from across the way on premises, had a bit of “territorial.settlement” and feeling the victor, took a bit of a scruff to Ms. Hallie and Mme. none too pleased. And to think, only Sunday morning, Mrs. Jesus whined about putting 500$ into the little animal. Well…it’s Monday and offices will be open. Bitch about the cat more and you can piss your 500$ out your arse, Princess. I don’t fucking much care any longer… Cut me off and out, bad mouth me and your “truths”, like shit in water, are about to surface. Cat included. – Time for that smoke. – I wonder: heat’s up again tonight. Could it be my comment about Health Inspectors and rotting garbage by the window? I’ll.have to look into that…at the library. – 7.45 Wasted smoke in the jar. Snuffed it at the return of the Twat after dropping the spore at the school. Was out having it because, at about 7.30, ruckus in the kitchen. Some guy comes by and the two of them yelling like two deaf cows in heat. Great way to begin the day. And my stomach’s off. Probably that Tea I drank too quickly last night. – And tomorrow… 6 years ago. No “celebration”, to be sure. Odd to be writing the book now. I’ll be recounting the day on the date. Re-living the shit. Not so good… or… maybe it is. Reminding me of the hard-ships getting here, the nervous joy I’d started with and recounting what it’s become. Slags and skags. – Well, at least the weather’s still warm. There’s that, I suppose. – Off to the day. Hopefully to feel better by 10.00… library time. – 10.48 back at the library on an other-wise lovely day, weather-wise. And of course, something had to break this morning when I went to the loo at about 9.00 and was asked for “help” getting into her fesses-book account. SHE DOESN’T BOTHER TO LISTEN! And so, she got another does of “Reality”, albeit, calmly. As she was told “I’ve no more room on my back for any more cutlery. I’ve done the very best I possibly can, trying to help in ever and any way I possibly could. But it makes no difference.” “I try to give you as much money as I can.” was the reply. “It’s not about the money.” “Then what it is?” “Respect. Gratitude. There’s none. But I can look around me now and see the difference I’ve made. The garden alone speaks for itself. It’s turned to shit this season. It used to produce. But this year, there’s nothing. And what’s the difference? I didn’t go near it.” “Yes, and the town is grateful for all the work you’ve done.” (THE TOWN? Yep, proved my point. The town is grateful… those who benefited directly are ingrates.) Anyway, as I told her “Buddhists believe that everything in life must be balanced. If you suffer from the way you’ve made me suffer, you’re going straight to Hell no matter how much praying you might do. I’m not hoping for it and I’m not wishing for it. I’m just saying that that’s the belief.” It was all said calmly. I pointed out that tomorrow is 6 years since I came here and I pray the moments of time I have to spend here are brief. “You’re my last thought here and I can tell you, you’ve made all the years of being beaten by my father seem a holiday. There’s no sense talking with you because nothing I say is of any worth or value. That’s obvious. It’s why I now spend my time in the room. There’s no sense talking. I’ve had enough. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be helpful. It’s obviously not enough. But there’s no more I can give.” She just got all silent and sat to have her breakfast. I looked for the lock for the barn. It’s gone. No clue where it could have gone to. The door is open and won’t stay closed. Not very good, especially at night. But… as I say… there’s no more I can do. – Now… it’s time for me to get to the book. SO MUCH could be done SO easily, if I had my lap-top. There’s SO MUCH already typed on the journal, but it’s of no use, other than to read and transcribe, repeatedly. – I’m exhausted from it all. 6 years of trying my best… yes, my BEST. Well… Mum used to say: As long as you know you’ve done your best, there’s nothing more to be done, nothing more to be expected. Still… it’s exhausting. – Time to move along… keep looking for a place back in the home state. Hell, I’m falling apart now, won’t be of much use to anybody in short order. And we don’t have any say or choice in when we come into this world… but DAMNIT! WE DO HAVE CONTROL OVER WHEN WE LEAVE. I JUST WILL *NOT* DIE ON THIS SOIL! – 14.19 I got back to.an empty house at 14.00 to find the “pension cheque” on the kitchen table. NOW WTAF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT? Closest place to cash it is Wal-Marde! Another walk? I don’t dare change my lift on Wednesday and I’d rather not ask for another so soon. Honestly! But had I expected it to go well, I’d’ve been a right idiot. We shall see what comes of it. It would have been nice to have it in the account so I could feel better about shopping on Wednesday. Ah… but there’s a good reason for the fuck up: I would have felt better. Anyway, I’ve no idea where Mme. has gone or if she’ll be back. I sent a thank you text (making certain that she’s aware: this cheque doesn’t cover leaving). She won’t understand anyway. – Found the place in Willsboro on Ggl whilst at the library. Shame it’s 700. It’s ON the Boquet River. The owner says ahe’s keeping me on the “radar” and might phone to chat. I’ve NO.idea how I’ll afford the place but… it’s not for very long no matter how it’s shaken. – Ever so warm and breezy. I wonder if my legs would carry me to Wal-Marde… Insanity… – Made a tea though. – 20.19 I SPOKE WITH LEANNA AT ABOUT 19.30. I have some reservations, I must admit. She just evicted a “friend” who’d lived in the place some 14 years. The one “Karen” she’s known 40 years and is evicting her. I wonder what that’s all about. Meanwhile, Karen has until 15 Nov. to vacate. The kitchen ceiling needs repairs due to a leak. And oh, Leanna thought I’m a woman. During the chat we had, I got the notion that she’s another Mme. Qunt: doesn’t listen, doesn’t pay attention to what people say to her. I have reservations. But… I’m only just beginning to look for a place and the only pressure is me. – I did a bit of investigating into a reasonable place in R.P. that caught my eye before, on-line. The contact number is the broker who’s selling 172 and 5225! THAT’S OUT! NO VERMONT CONNECTIONS! PERIOD. – And so, I went to the store at 16.00, Velveeta, rolls, PopTarts. Half the block of cheese on 3 rolls for “meal”. 62$ on the card for Wednesday. It’ll have to do. When the next post to the card comes, I’ll have 3 more rides for the new month. It’s only a matter of days… maybe I’ll.do Wal-Marde and Hannaford’s in St.A. then. Meanwhile… the stress of Soc.Sec. looms. We shall see. – I’m in bed. No energy to bother showering. I had one last night anyway. – And the stomping commences over-head. – Dreading tomorrow… SIX FUCKING YEARS! And oddly, on the anniversary, I’m writing about it. Fuck! – 23.3 Three episodes of Herriot. About to TRY for SOME sleep. Heart and chest VERY HEAVY. TOMORROW… SHITURDAY.

Tue.24.Oct: 7.35 Disgusting. 6 years ago this morning. Today. To-date. With 3 potential jobs, 2400$ in savings, a reservation at a hostel and another that hadn’t been recorded for a nicotine-covered room in a motel with a beautiful name, the “North Star”… Some neatly-packed boxes in storage, a roll-along bit of “over-weight” (76lbs) luggage, a ruck-sack and a one-way airline ticket. A dream…
6 years later, forced “retirement”, 300$ in a chequing account in a currency worth 70-cents on the dollar, a cheque for a pension taxed down to 225$, “life” packed in boxes, jeans worn through, a dark room, awakened by the little “mew”, feed the dog and cat after coffee made as it was 6 years ago: tap water in a plastic bottle.
So I’m not in a shelter for the indigent Homeless, but THIS place, THIS morning has, pathetically, NEVER even “felt” like “home”, and in 6 years, nobody ever made it feel like anything of the sort. The message was always clear… but I’d always been compelled to give it “another try”, “benefit of the doubt”, “a little more time”.
WHAT A TOTAL FUCKTARD I’VE BEEN… 6 BLOODY-FUCKING YEARS!!!
It’s really quite warm out there this morning, under skies that resemble the great, old Atlantic. If the scene were turned in reverse, it would have been Tilden: blue-greys rippling, splashes of off-white, beige-white here, there. But thus morning, the “ocean” is the cloud-shrouded sky and the salt-spray is many, many miles away. (8.00) Rabbi Lewis advised: “‘Why?’ is not the question because there’s no answer to ‘Why?’ The question is ‘How? HOW are you going to deal with what is?'” Well? 6 years, 9 places in 6 towns, and all have led to… SHIT! “How are you going to deal with what is?” (Why am I still alive to record this? What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I wanna go home… I do NOT want my last breath on Earth to be this shit-filled air, my body decaying into this shit-covered ground. In spite of all else, I’ve lived a life of dignity; perhaps not “refinement”, but most certainly dignity. In 6 years, there have been repeated attempts at destroying that record, but I’ve managed to prevail. NO! I WILL NOT DIE IN THIS DUNG-HEAP! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I AM GOING BACK TO MY HOME-STATE… SOON… AND VERY SOON. Amen.
11.26 I’ve pretty much wasted this morning on soc.med. It’s still very over-cast out, breezy but nicely warm. Warm enough to keep the doors open. I’ve just sat down to write mode but I’m not feeling at all well. My head is light, spinning, like that “one too many” shot of “over-proof”. My body feels as if it’s spinning in one direction and the air around me is spinning in the opposite. My guts are on an amusement park ride, up, down, sideways, turn, now to the left, now to the right, up-side down, down-side up. Holding the pen made my band tremble. Every movement is an effort. Every sound is cause to startle. The place is rather calm, considering and in comparison. But even the sound of a fallen leaf seems more like the explosion of a bomb. My jaw stays clenched when I don’t consciously separate it. Vision strained and blurry. I KNOW it’s merely anxiety, and that it’s all so very foolish. I can stop it, change it. Just change my attitude on this day. There’s truly no sense allowing this shit to take such control. I need to work… on this bull-shit. This place, this time, these years, these in-bred morons and idiots are winning my battle. I need to remain in control, to survive even just long enough to get back to home soil. It’s also the un-knowing and insecurity of tomorrow: Will Soc.Sec. be posted? I’ll need smokes before today ends. And if I could have put the cheque cash into the account today, the rate is fantastic! Too many variables. And spending today is going to cost considerably more. One day… as usual, would make SO MUCH difference. One, fucking, day. – I need to take back MY control over this day and I NEED to do so… IMMEDIATELY! – 18.48 WELL… THE PHONE IS WORKING ON THE 802 NUMBER. I left the library at about 17.15, came into the hole and fed the brood. Went the store for 3 Teas, pack of smokes and chicken patties. Had a GREAT chat with Deb and another woman about illegals and border crossing and learnt that Deb’s more Conservative than I’d thought. But the bad thing: tonigbt’s store purchases: 22,38/29,14CAD ON THE BANQUE CARD! (I had 260US on it though. – And when I got back? A call from my lift from Hannaford’s tomorrow and another from GMTA confirming THREE rides. Somebody will fetch me at 5199, somebody else at Hannaford’s. But the Hannaford-RiteAid-Return counts as 2 rides. Oh well. I have 6 one-ways and 3 round-trips for the month. I wonder how this is figured. But I won’t (I hope) need any more before November. (Which is when I’ll need to get to Wal-Marde for my cheque!) – And so, this warm day is done. It rained so hard that ALL of the red leaves in the maple over the benches are gone. And the “drear” commences. – 21.40 I was in a hostel, 6 years ago now. Tucking in at another strange environment, planning another day of new adventures, and hoping for sleep with-out disturbance. Tonight, the clothes are going into rinse cycle and I am on the bed to watch Herriot. I’ve had a Tea. Might have another. Not sure. – Just in from a smoke on the porch. Warm breezes still blowing. A change is coming… cooler days and nights ahead. But no rain tomorrow. The warmth is like 6 years ago. I was quite fortunate. Let’s see what the remainder of this month will bring. Let’s see IF I get my Soc.Sec. tomorrow. I LOL at this moment. It’s all gone along WAY TOO easily. But, for tonight, nothing I can do about it. – No strange room. No strange bed. And the only actual “threat” to well-being… up-stairs. 6 years later.

Wed.25.Oct: 0.29 Three episodes of Herriot. 2 Teas. Had 3 chicken patties with Velveeta on buns for meal. Going to try for a smoke. Poor Mimou, wakes every time I move but I’d rather he stay in… there’s a something under the porch and I’d rather he didn’t get “involved”. – Noticed that urine odour in my pyjama sweats again… just like in the shelter. Stress and anxiety… again… no doubt… this bloody-fucking place. – 11.09 waiting… showered, dressed. Garbage out and gone. – NO SOC.SEC. AND I RANG THE BANQUE. The wonderful lady supposed it would be “over-night” (I wonder if there’s a “LIBOR” involved… Ah… Banerj) on the date… meaning tonight. And she said the first is usually the worst until it becomes regular. Well… it’s not as if I didn’t anticipate trouble. – Meanwhile… I wait for the mystery lift. I don’t know why this shit works on my nerves (and guts). But the later, the better. Less time standing at Hannaford’s… I suppose. – This house is a MESS! Fruit flies all over the kitchen sink area. Oh, to have a clean house of residence again. As if THAT will ever happen. – 6 years ago today I woke in the hostel and at this hour, was being shocked that the North Star didn’t have my reservation. Room 42 was being “cleaned”, as it were. I was alone… I was being *WARNED*. – 13.13 and back. And… put the lentils label in my pack and… THAT’S WHAT I DIDN’T GET! AND ONLY 2 COFFEES! – But it was interesting. Marta, my lift back, living 40 years in Montgomery said I just moved to the wrong town.- 13.55 HOOVERED. WASH IN DRYER. Day is done. – So the fellow arrived promptly. Took the long way to Hannaford’s which was fine by me. I stopped in at the Dollar Store and should have gotten Gain but… and then strolled to market where I had too much time and got precious little of what I needed but… coffee and creamer, PopTarts and franks are in. As I passed the Customer Service counter I stopped to enquire about cheque-cashing in town. LO AND BEHOLD, THEY CASHED MY CHEQUE! AND BECAUSE I’M “OLD”, NO FEE! CASH! – When I got out of market, Marta was there and we were off to the RiteAide where I got shampoo, 4 packs of smokes (at 7 not 10$ each), kippa clips, a good shampoo and eye drops (which I’ve tried and they make a bit of a better difference I must say) and TWO for 1 vitamin C so I’m up to 200 on-hand again. – Marta knew this house because she used to talk with Cecil.when he did the Farmers’ Market in Enosburg! We had a lively talk which included “He was SO far to the opposite of me, politically.” so I knew immediately: say nothing. He was convinced the folks at the Market were out for him because he was Catholic and many other “conspiracy theories”. I took the opportunity to set Marta straight about the “Mrs.” and she wasn’t in the least surprised. Apparently she already knew about the qunt. A relief to me, I’ll say. And when I told her of Franklin she said I’d been in the wrong town. Montgomery is educated people, many from NYC and such. She’s a fellow “Yorker” originally… Mother from NYC, lived in Albany and Glens Falls! Alas. – Well… she confirmed my 3 monthly trips. Told me I’m “E&D”… “Elderly & Disabled” and they can bring me to shopping and errands. “Medical” is for doctors only and not errands. The fellow this morning said he’d started at 6.30 and GMTA doesn’t like having drivers out past 5pm but Medical Emergencies can be done. – And so… I’ve done another “first” and it went exceptionally well! All told. – Now? I’ve franks for today’s meal and 25$ on the FoodCard. AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO USE THE BANQUE CARD! At day’a end… thus far… all’s well. – 21.21 Showered… with great shampoo and body was. The shampoo is a re-constituted hair thickening shampoo that I bought when I first arrived in BTV, 6 YEARS AGO! It had thickened and concentrated over the years. The same shampoo that I bought today, 6 years, to the day, later. The body was was the goats milk wash I’d bought, perhaps 2 years ago, in Bedford, Korvette. Delightful. CLEAN ME! And the eye drops? “Dry eyes”… seems to have been the problem. Vision isn’t “perfect” but a HELL of a lot BETTER. So… it’s a good night. AND… I went to the store at about 19.00 for 2 Teas and had a WONDERFUL chat with Deb. She truly IS quite Conservative. Imagine. – I had 3 chicken patties from last night, left in the freezer! They’re thawing now, on the table in the room. “Shelter food” tomorrow. Uncooked, no doubt. But, I’ve survived on such shit before. Here we go again. – Thought during a smoke: Qunt has NO intention of replacing my lap-top. I’m going to have to pay. I’m going to sue her for it. The house closing is due tomorrow, or in “5 days from”. We shall see. But I see a law suit coming. One way or another. – Something to ponder. – Wash is done. Dryer and Herriot (and Tea) time. – SMELLING CLEAN! HOW WONDERFUL! (I need a hair-cut too… and nails.)

Thu.26.Oct: 0.58 Lights out! -7.25 Raining. Awakened to the purrow of Mr. Mimou as he boldly jumped up onto the bed and made himself comfy against my back under the sleeping bag. I’ve had coffee, two vit.C and a smoke. And he’s having breakfast in the kitchen. Ms. Hallie is still in “her” room. The little heater ran through the night. Not a cold morning, this, but the extra warmth is welcome against the damp. – Library is 9-18.00 today. I wonder if Mme. will be making a stop at Costco before returning. Ms. Hallie is in need of food. Can’t help but recall the comment “I’d be upset if anything happened to him (Mimou) after he cost me 500$.” The voice of human compassion, that one. Anyway, the library hours are a waste on todays since she rolls in at about 10.00, and later if she shops. Now Friday would be better… I could stay away all day then. – With-out my lap-top, I can’t work the cover art for the book, and with it, the book would go along better and quicker. She’s costing me time and ability now. But the convenience of others isn’t her concern. “You moved to the wrong town.” said Marta. No, I stayed in the wrong state. – Oh well… another day. Let’s see how miserable it will be. – Thought though: Now I can work on each progressive day from 6 years ago, as each happened. The book will go along nicely if I stick with it that way. I should think so anyway. – Ah… Mr. Twat departs with little “princess”. Heaven forbid the little shits should walk in the rain. Pampered pansies. – 9.22 JUST as I was having my “kitchen floor mopped” smoke, she arrived, came in, got on the phone. I over-heard something about being skme-where at 9, some kind of excuse and… she’s out again. No “good morning” and only a trace acknowledgement of my presence. Fuck you, insufferable, classless qunt. Oh well. The place is as she left it and I don’t care. – Time to get me some-what together and out and away from here. – I’ve got head-ache. Common start to a day. – And it’s still raining. Forecast is… all day. And it’s getting cooler. – 10.54 At the library. I’d no sooner set an alarm for 11.00 (at about 10.30) for a quick nap because I’m really not feeling all to well this morning (chest pains again… anxieties… caused by the return of the qunt) when it returned. So? I got back up, changed clothes to something “less presentable”. When I opened the door to the room, she was just coming out of the loo. Completely ignored me. Seriously. The old thing’s got some terribly serious issues. But it’s all a matter of my own perception of the situation. No need for me to be “civil” with her. After all, “civility” is something she knows nothing about… as she proves with ever passing moment of ever day. Oh well… it is what it is and it’s up to ME to deal with it until such time when I can bring it to an end. – Meanwhile, this journal is current and it’s time for me to get back to the book. I’m going to try to write here… even with the chit-chat that happens. Hey. It’s raining out there. I’m in here. (Just like the old days… the “Shelter Days”… library-to-library all day… exhausted.) It’s raining out there. Most of the leaves are gone from the trees. It’s gone chilly. I’m not out in it and have a place of shelter against it so… I suppose that’s something to celebrate today. – Fuck. – 11.33 Checked to see if Soc.Sec. posted to the account yet… OF COURSE IT DIDN’T! DID I EXPECT IT TO RUN SMOOTHLY? NOT REALLY. BUT THIS IS TOTAL SHIT! AND I CANT’ CHECK TO SEE THE STATUS UNLESS I CALL THEM! AND OF COURSE, THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN UNTIL I HAVE A DAY WITH-OUT PRYING EARS. WELL, THE “HELP-LINE” IS OPEN UNTIL 19.00… I’LL PONDER AND CONSIDER. – Meanwhile, this place, library, is like Brighton: Chat chat chat chat talk talk yell holler. Brighton… oh those days. (At least it doesn’t smell like Brighton though.) – Time to get to book-work. To think: I could be doing this in comfort and privacy in the room… or even the barn! Fucking bitch! I WANT MY LAP-TOP BACK! SHE OWES ME… FOR THE ONE SHE NEGLIGENTLY DESTROYED! – To think: Yesterday was such a wonderful day… I’m paying. – 22.03 It’s been a dull sort of evening after a ROUSING sort of afternoon. – Sent to the library for mere hours with nothing to type, having nothing accomplished on the book. Checked the banque to find *NO SOC.SEC.!!! So by about 12.30 I was back at the shit-pit to find Mme. at table. I told her the payment hadn’t been posted. Her affect was common: apathy. So I got on the phone (Skype) and rang Soc.Sec. *AN HOUR ON HOLD! AND THEN LEARNT THE PAYMENT WAS POSTED TO A BANQUE IN PHILADELPHIA! THANKFULLY, IT WAS RETURNED! THAT IDIOT, MIRANDA, HAD PUT IN THE WRONG ACCOUNT INFO! BUT IT WAS (I’M TOLD), CORRECTED. THE INFO WILL.TAKE 24 HOURS TO UP-DATE AND PAYMENT WILL BE REPOSTED… LIKELY MONDAY, AT THIS RATE. WE SHALL SEE… COME MONDAY. I DIDN’T EXPECT THIS TO GO WELL. I FORESEE DIFFICULTIES TO.COME BUT… – As I held, I ate the thawed chicken patties. They weren’t bad at all, other than mushy. What they’ll do to my stomach is yet to be seen. And then I settled in and took an hour’s “nap”. Oh how I did NOT want to wake, but did. – Got onto Twtr to find Woodhauler is blocked for 7 days. I’d posted a nasty tweet to/about Ellen Degenerate and THAT’S what did it! Called her a “rug-muncher” and so, the rug-muncher struck back. Oh well, JudeNY it.was and with-in moments, up by almost 200-plus followers from Woodhauler. Fine. Typical: Bull-shit in life caused by another qunt. – Got hungry and ate the 4 remaining franks too. I’ve eaten today… and left nothing to eat here-after. Oh well. – AND HOW-EVER, WOODHAULER IS NOW ON MINDS! It’s slow- going on the phone, but we shall see how it moves along. I’ll have to see about getting people over to Minds. Shouod be fun and interesting. – News about 172: Mme. Moron and her crew… the house was re-inspected today… that was her call when she’d come in. Some broad went there at 8.00 and found something ELSE that had to be done before the closing. BUT Mme. Qunt believes the closing will be on the 31st. No sympathy for the old thing. Given the opportunity, I’d’ve had it ALL done and ready WEEKS ago. But let her pay. She claims the electrician alone charged her 2400$! I can only laugh in my silence. Hey! Not MY fault. I could use the money and she didn’t bother to ask me to help. “I didn’t ask you to.” Fuck off. Just get me my lap-top now or else… a court will get it. Done deal. – And so, very little contact with the old thing this rainy day. She did get food for the brood. But no smokes. I stay here on the money and goods she owes me. Bitch. Fucking typical Catholic. Really. (I can’t wait for her to try another spread-sheet. “Corrupted”. Gee. Too bad. Looks like you haven’t got one any more, and hopefully you can find somebody to make you another one. Gee. Good lord giveth and good lord taketh away. – So now, in jammies, ready for some Herriot and… what-ever. I’ve nothing to transcribe tomorrow and it’s getting chilly out there anyway. Perhaps tomorrow will be a writing day… or tonight, if sleep doesn’t come. – 6 years ago was first night at North Star. Another matter fucked by broads. – Which brings to comment: I doubt Willsboro will be coming through at all and my gut says “NO!”. More searching… farther North… where I prefer anyway.

Fri.27.Oct: 1.57 Another 3 episodes of Herriot and a Tea, several smokes, eyes gone wonky and I suppose it’s nap time. As usual, pissed at the situation. I need a new car. How? – 9.12 I didn’t get up.until 8.40-something and she’s already out the door. I don’t give a fuck. But I’m tired, I’ll tell tha. (Herriotish, that.) – Library 14-18.00, I’ve time to write. –
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22.19 Well… another day done and gone. – Kathleen showed at the door this after-noon round about 13.15… with bloody ice cream. Mme. brought her in. I was just up fro. a much-needed snooze. A knock on the room door. “Are you home?” “Home”? Not even hardly in a wild imagination. But I was delightful. They chatted about Mimou and I simply took the bag of two small.conatiners, and stuffed it into the freezer with-out a word. Shocked myself… no permission asked nor granted. I’ve learnt to be as “they” are. Chatted briefly and Kathleen left. – By about 14.30 I was back at the up-stairs desk at the library, checking the banque where nothing got posted, of course, e-mails, the new account on Minds (Woodhauler), flats on Crgslst (nothing, really, but it’s going into Winter and I don’t expect much in the way of housing now). Got the Journal up to date and put in some more on the book which is going a bit amok. I’m not happy with it at present. There’s almost a complete re-write coming… I need a fucking lap-top! – At about 18.00 closing, spoke with Kathleen about the ice cream. Tentative Monday… on the bench in front of the library or in-side if poor weather. We shall see. I’m not looking forward to it. But… it will be what it will… or not. – Stopped at the store before coming in. Turkey, rolls, dill crisps. 8,00$ and a bit of change. Left me with enough for another two of those shoppings. – Back at the shit-hole, I put my tote and bag on the porch and came in through the kitchen. The old sow was just finishing her dinner and having what appeared to be at least a third glass of wine. Emptied the bottle in the glass, put the plate on the floor for Hallie, poured some half’n’half for Mimou and strolled to the royal recliner. She.asked if I’d called Soc.Sec. today. I repeated what I’d been told yesterday and told her as much then too. Fucking swill-sucking sow. – Went to the living-room and I stayed to watch a bit of news and came to the room. – Had half the turkey (quarter pound) on two rolls with mustard and relish, finished the crisps, had PopTarts after. A glass of non dairy creamer. “Meal” done. – Noticed today, my face is back to sagging. Put in some eye drops. They make a good difference. – Just done 3 episodes of Herriot again. – In from a smoke. Everything I see is double again tonight, moon, lights. It’s the strain of watching the phone. The old sow had better come up with a lap-top. I’ll.not leave with-out. The holidays are coming. I do NOT look forward to being here for any of them. No.doubt she’ll be invited about (no doubt I won’t). Still, I don’t want to be here for them. I’d rather be back at the Men’s Shelter… on 30th Street! – Well, the house is dark and quiet. Tomorrow Mme. has a “pot luck” at the church. Time away… how nice. I’ve got library in the morning and nothing to add to the book. Perhaps a re-write of what’s there. Poor weather coming. Heavy rains on Sunday. Nice… great for now mowing. The buyers of 172 will have a job of it. I don’t care. – A bit of a run through soc.med. and try for some sleep. I could stand for some.

Sat.28.Oct: AUSTIN SMITH HAS DIED – 8.53 on the loo having only just gotten up, coffee, dressed. And not giving even the slightest fuck. Will be soon toddling to the library. Not for any particular purpose other than keeping away from the sow. Shabbat shalom. – 20.52 It’s been a “Vermont Day”… beginning with finishing on the loo and NO WATER! They cut it BEFORE the notified “9:00” and so, shit in the bowl, I couldn’t flush! – Next was the trip to the library where it was a lot of old e-mail accounts and not much else, since I didn’t get there until about 10.00. – Checked feszes-book…
AUSTIN HAS DIED! LITTLE SWEET-HEART. 11 YEARS OLD… HER BATTLE IS DONE. I posted a lengthy message and in moments, Dorothy “liked” it. No comment.
Today’s library visit ended with a dreadful “global politics” chat with Kathleen. BY GOD SHE’S A FUCKING LIB! Pro-immigrant, clueless about the muslim invasion in Canada. Typical Vermonter. Then went on to argue about Puerto Ricans claiming “I lived in New York (city)” referencing her residency in Connecticut when she “lived” in Manhattan for a school semester. Yep. A “Vermonter”, brainless, clueless and generally ignorant AND stupid. It ended, thankfully, when a couple of idiots strolled into the library at 13.30, I brought the library flag in and quickly departed. – Into the shit-hole to see the qunt cooking for her “Catholic” do at the church. Note-worthy, I mentioned how I could understand how, in small, remote towns, way back when, “families” were limited, due to travel and lack there-of. Referenced Franklin as an example and she brought up the in-breeding… “the Protestants”… NOT the Catholics, of course. I can’t be surprised. She’s another moron, essentially. – Well… at about 17.00 she took off for “Jesus” and her pot-luck dinner. Still hasn’t returned. But at least she fed the brood. – Earlier, I had Hallie and Mimou out. It was dark but Mimou saw a cat by the Glidden fence, hauled arse into the dark and I heard the hissing and meowing and when I went to look for him he came back, tail FLUFFED! He’s quite the little “warrior”. – Ah well… at 17.00, when Mme. Qunt departed, I finished the turkey on two rolls and the last of Wednesday’s PopTarts. Coffee with creamer. Today’s “meal”. – Watched a few episodes of QI too. – So much I’d like to get done: the book, graphics for the cover, adverts for “Journal Days”… It’s going on 8 months with-out a computer. I’m boiling about now. Must get my Soc.Sec., get out and haul her into court. Now it’s lost revenue: site-building, the book, the graphics… soc.med. Yeah… I’m livid. – 21.14 and the prodigal qunt returns. Good. I was just getting ready for bed… A bit of Herriot, no Tea tonight and no snax. Oh well. Fine. My laziness. – Well… time to wrap it up. Need to calm my shitty mood too. – Fuck! I want my lap-top! NOW! – 23.10 and all are in bed. Had a civil chat. She’s a few glasses of wine into the breeze. But, in spite of all, civil.

Sun.29.Oct: 1.04 and another 3 episodes of Herriot. It’s a beautiful and intensely- needed respite from this place. Just in from a smoke. Windy out there. I’d forgotten, tomorrow’s expected to be bad rains. I’ve just finished a packette of dry Ramen. I’ll need something tomorrow, but probably settle with the broth. Oh well. Kills an appetite. Unless I dip into cash. I wish the arse-holes had a bar with-in some distance, but NO… not even that much. We’ll have to see what the day brings. – Hopefully Monday will bring cash. I still need to decide: car or…? Can I hold on and hold out until November’s payment? – And I’m dreading Monday and that ice cream do. More shit… It’ll be that way until I get away from here. Time and fortitude. That’s what it’s down to… just as it was in The Shelter. – 10.12 and just waking, just in from smoke. It’s drizzling out there. And I feel as if I’d been slammed by a truck. But it’s been quiet in the shit-hole so… She’s awake, in the kitchen, (just put the cat out to the porch), doing what it is that she does. And I’m figuring how, for another day, to avoid her. (The cat’s calling. He’s probably better on the porch, but it’s the calling. Oh well.) – Funny, but even if I were still mowing, it can’t be done today anyway. I wonder what the lawn at 172 looks like. Maybe I’ll take the car over… during the week. – Another day… another day. Depressing. If I did ‘t have to use the loo I’d be fine, but… – Another day. – (7.15 Monday morning) Only two brief encounters with the old thing all day. I managed through the entire day with-out any sort of bull-shit! OK, it’s a bit rough, in this little room. But the avoidance is rather worth it. To think, no bull-shit though. How nice. She spent some time on HER computer, e-mail and what-ever. I have to wonder… no Jesus-selling? If she had done, surely there would be some questions. Good though. It might be sinking in: Keep the fuck away from me, I’m not here to help. Although, she cleared the shit papers off the kitchen table and her Pam dropped by for a few moments in the evening. But I doubt she could have been of much help with the spread-sheet. Anyway… I kept to myself. Sadly, didn’t get any writing in. To think: SO very much COULD be done by now… with a lap-top. Well… I’ll tack the lost time onto the law-suit. All will be addressed, when the time comes. – And so, “meal” today was oatmeal with creamer, a mug-full. Tragedy in the bowels to follow. No doubt. – And it rained all day. And I’m feeling the malnourishment. Weak. Head-ache. – Closing thought: SHELTER… DO WHAT YOU MUST… PERHAPS INCLUDING SIMPLY GETTING TO THE KITCHEN AND COOKING. I COULD GRAB A PAN AND MAKE EGGS. Perhaps tomorrow… roast beef from the store with scrambled eggs at some point, steak and eggs. Healthy food. IF I can chew with all the stumps left from the lost crowns.

Mon.30.Oct: 7.10 Up. Dressed. Bottle-pee. Coffee. Smoke. Why? Because, after 2 episodes of Herriot, I was under the covers, lights out, shortly after mid-night. – 7.25 Caught-up yesterday… – And so, the morning, this rainy morning, began with “tha-rump-da-dump-thump-glang-da-dang-thump-thump-bump” in the kitchen at about 6.40 or so. NO idea WHAT in the actual fuck she was at. Perhaps the message “Tomorrow’s the closing on 172 and I want you out.” Ah… well… ’twill be November, come Wednesday. Winter soon. Let’s DO go to court, one way or another. Grisolms… Stanhopes… Wife-beater, just for starts. Property damage. Accounts due (mowing, lap-top, &c.). Should be great fun. – I just hope she takes her old snatch the fuck out and away by 17.00. Yesterday, in one of our encounters she mentioned she needs somebody to work her “5 to 10”. Please that it isn’t 5-10pm today! She expects the closing tomorrow… Gods forbid she needs to come back here for that. – FS don’t come until Wednesday. A new month. New trips available. I should plan. Shame there’s no food-storage space in w fridges and a freezer here… again. These people… she’s another one: food packed all about and whines about food. These people. –
***** ***** *****
Thoughts last night though, on the subject, as I smoked:
(By her own admission)
•First husband took a shot-gun to her
•Walked out leaving 5 kids
•Second husband, devout praying man
•town laughs because of his praying, crucifixes all over the house
(Tenant wife tells)
•She annoyed him to the point of using language that probably has his immortal soul roasting in the pit of Hell
(By her own admission)
•As he lay dying she told him, bitterly “You’re leaving me in this house alone to freeze to death.”
(By her own accounts)
•Only child, but parents some-how adopted a “mentally retarded” boy over whom they doted and by her perception, she became “second” to him.
She’s been bitter all her life, under the impression that the world owes her for short-comings of her child-hood. She’s deluded herself to the point of believing she’s entitled to help and compassion. And, she’s assured herself that her “Jesus” will has and will absolve all her misdeeds.
***** ***** *****
Fucking nut-job, this old thing. Luce learnt after marriage and children, took a gun to her and left. Two of her children won’t speak to her, wanted to put her into a home. Second husband cursed her. Came to Stanhope, she rented for a year, got her little house repaired and renovated then put Stanhope into court and then out.
***** ***** *****
Nice thoughts here, first thing in the morning. Well… 7.53, almost 8.00. Library opens at 10.00. Dreading that too… fucking Lib-shit and ice cream. Hopefully I’ll hold out and away. Prolong the sentence. But one shouldn’t allow politics to interfere. I AM ABOVE that… and them. – Well now… to fill and pass another day. She’s put the dog and cat out. “Patta-tatta-bump-bump” is back in service. “Thump-thump-thump” about the floor. The barn-yard beast is animated. Her “Jesus reading” must be complete… “bless her heart”. – 21.08 In bed. Showered. Washed jammies. – Qunt-hole left at 16.00 and will be back in the morning. Fucktard too her day-shift off AND her “5-10” so she could give candy tomorrow evening. What a fucking schedule! – I got 21$ “Heat Help” on my card today and had to spend it on half pound roast beef, rolls, sugar (for oatmeal), donuts, cheese (for tomorrow since Qunt-drip will be here until 21.00 and I was so weak from hunger all day today that I KNOW I CAN’T skip food now). Would have been nice to be able to get Teas or the likes. Fucking shit. – Meanwhile, it’s gone cold out and the fucking heat is set at 58F! It went on at one point before Qunt-drip left and she BOLTED to turn it down. At one point when I came in from library she said “You can start a fire if you want.” Fuck you, arse-skid. And then listen to you whine about not having enough fire-wood to last through next May? Fuck you! I didn’t. But I’ve got the little heater on in this room. Door open, for cat and dog, but on “high” setting. Let her deal with it. – As for tomorrow? A call came earlier… Peter (Martin) her cousin/lawyer. “I haven’t heard anything. Have you heard anything? I haven’t heard anything.” Mme. Qunt-rot is planning on the closing on 172 tomorrow. To my knowledge, the place wasn’t approved because her bat-shit “contractors” didn’t do the work needed to pass inspection. I’m particularly pissed because I want my lap-top so I can get on with my book and get rid of the eye strain of having to use the phone for everything! And I’m not leaving here until I have one from her or… I get my Soc.Sec. (not in yet today either… I FUCKING KNEW SHIT WOULD HAPPEN), get to NYand haul her fucking hole into court… in NY! – And so… wind-down time. – Library today? NO KATHLEEN! YAY! It rained and I opened all my Twtr accounts on Minds. Posted notices on Twtr and FB. DONE. – Now… if I could get my book done and had a lap-top to get my adverts (for Journal Days now and GMBS later) …. and we end the day with… FUCK!

Tue.31.Oct: 7.56 Today, John is 60. I remember how “horrid” it was for him, 30 years ago, sitting on Cindy’s sofa, coked and drunk, bemoaning his “single” status, “No house! No yard with a swing-set! No wife! No kids!” Well? Now you’re on the down-hill slide, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Tough shit… old man. – And I’m on the loo. Brood attended. Thump and bang in commencement above. Cold and drizzling out. And a shitty mood over-all. Should have had a day with-out shit, but Qunt-drip will be rolling in at any un-announced moment. I need a hair-cut. And she’ll be about all bloody day. Ever so charming. Ah… lovely fucking day. Lovely fucking day, indeed. – 9.51 Sky clearing. Recyc out. A definite chill AND DRAFT in the room. And a jolly morn on Minds. No word from Mme. Qunt-drip. – Be careful, specific with your wishes, dreams, hopes and aspirations. (I’m in “The North Country”… but settled for where I am and not where I actually wanted to be… and it’s been HELL!) – I’m tired. – AND NO SOC.SEC. AGAIN YET TODAY! – 19.52 OK! NOW… Google Voice8029880132 set for Mme.2852243 BUT FORWARDS to Skype518640517. Skype518 DOES NOT FORWARD BUT RINGS on the mobile because 988 is forwarding to 518 which, at the moment, RINGS. All because the GoogleVoice number had to be re-verified today for the old ATT mobile. I almost had to get a Verizon number at 40$! What I don’t go through for phone. Hopefully Skype won’t fuckup. But… my Google “Hangouts” number won’t ring through on the 988 number. I don’t know if texts work now. Will have to send a text to Mme. to see if it still works. Oh well. – Got back at 18.00 and Mme. was in, dishing out candy. I was quite the gentleman.

***** THE CLOSING HAPPENED TODAY. 172 IS SOLD! NO MORE MOWING! SHE’S GOT HER 100K$. NOW LET’S SEE *IF/WHEN* THE *LAP-TOP* GETS REPLACED*. I DOUBT IT WILL.
***AND BANQUING ON-LINE IS OUT UNTIL 2 NOVEMBER (UP-DATE) SO I WON’T KNOW IF SOC.SEC. IS POSTED! THIS HAS BECOME QUITE THE FUCK-UP SORT OF EVENING. SO MUCH HAD TO BE DEALT WITH. BUT THE *CLOSING* ON 172 WILL BE *THE* TELLING FACTOR.*****

Was at the library shortly after 14.00 and got right to transferring most of fesses-book to Minds, Otto Didactic. Took me almost 4 hours and there’s a bit more on fesses-book to migrate. But MOST is DONE! Otto is ROLLING on Minds now. – Marilyn was at the other computer and completely ignored me. Kerry came in to see her and said nothing to me. When I mentioned it to the Qunt she said “Well, of course.” I’m officially the “New Lyle Glidden” in Fucklin. Hah! GOOD! Now I’ll endeavour to live up to the title. They can ALL eat shit. – So… I had to ASK Mme. about the closing. She didn’t offer. I said “It must be such a relief for you.” She didn’t respond. She stayed until 19.00 and left. Back on Thursday… I think. No telling with that one. – I stepped out to the store for 4 Teas and a pack of smokes. Another 22$ gone. – When I got back to the shit-hole, I saw kids at the door and decided to joke. Knocked and said “Trick or treat where’s the beer?” She actually said “They’re in the refrigerator. I’ll give you one.” (I went for my Tea. Fucqunt.) – And now, the kids are gone, the phone is working… for now… the house is calm, the Twats’ dog is pounding on the stairs, the little heater is running in the room, the days is done and I’m on my 2nd Tea. – Never got to up-date the Journal. But… Thursday is the LONG day at the library and previous “Memo” entries are on e-mail. There’s time. Tomorrow might be rough… no library AND… FUCK ME… A NEW MONTH! FUCK. – Before going to the library, I had the rest of the roast beef. There’s Velveeta and rolls for… when-ever. I’m not hungry now… the Tea is doing well. So there’s edibles. And tomorrow… more for food. OK… I suppose.