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| 01 March 2021 |
Mon.01.Mar: 7.58 Fuck. - Another day. Another week. Another month of another year, on the roll. But, all considered, I suppose it isn't all that “bad'. It isn't freezing out there. The doves and jays have been for breakfast. 8 doves this morning. The even number saddens me. I can handle the odd number. It shows that one is “missing”... little Yonah. But, surely, there will be enough time for her to re-establish in a flock, settle-down and raise a family. Then, come the next cold, she'll be off with the rest, to warmer clime. And, maybe, by then, a part of what used to be “me” will be able to travel along... part of the flock. - It's damp out there. Warmth expected for the day and tonight, there's that -20-something to follow. Alas. But a great deal of the snow and ice is gone, over-night! Still... grey, cool and damp. - And the keys are sticking again. The “e” started last evening and it's just getting progressively worse. One of these days, none of this will work. (I need to back-up the files this morning. Well... it IS a “new month”, I suppose.) - If I'm smart, a run into town at some point today. Perry's is on sale, English muffins too. I'll get more of those and freeze them. There's 3 servings of “chicken and rice” in the fridge. And the coffee, no longer available at Bamzazon, fuktards, on-hand, should easily go through this month. After that... well, I really ought to make a point, when in Plattsburgh, to stop at Hannaford's. I don't because, honestly, I'm just too damned lazy, in general. But when gas reaches 5$/gal... Oh, we can't he “happy” all the time and never for very long. - So, today... new month... let's see what kind of “Hell” somebody can find to raise between now and Wednesday when bills get paid and it's “not enough... for 'them'”. As if I care about “them”. And other-wise? What-ever this day is to be will have been... when it's done. That's that. - Thinking about the “C routine” today. Should I start the decrease or stay the course for a while longer? I'm still hacking. It's still clotted. But I'm still here to Journal and there's still cold weather coming and I will NOT put Yonah out with ANY threat of freezing or “Winter storm”. So? So... It's a matter of decreasing the “mid-day” at this point. One dose. Unless I decrease on alternate days for a bit? Ah... when Yonah's back with the flock, I'll just go back to the 2g in the morning and leave it all at that. All considered and told, at least I have the “time” (if I actually do have the time), to ponder. - Now... time to get busy... especially with the back-ups! ON with this Monday. The Autistic qunts will be arriving shortly, to fuck the morning beyond hope. - At least Yonah is “chanting”... I'm so blessed... SO blessed. - (And I have to see what can be done about this key-board again. And to think: I haven't done any of the “up-dates” in order to avoid this... and the “bouncy task bar”. One just can't figure it.) - 19.22 Just put the lights out for Yonah, closed her curtains, blocked the window... and am in from a smoke in *** WIND AND BLOWING SNOW ***!!! It's dropped from 5° when I went to market at about 13.00 to -6 at present! Tonight's supposed to drop to -15 with chill of -20 and it's certainly well on the way! (The tank should be at “half” by Thursday. I'll venture down tomorrow (if the world hasn't frozen solid over-night) to check... just to be sure. So much for any sort of “travel” (like going to DSS to drop the medical bill?). And yes, I DID go to FamDoll for smokes. There's 66¢ in the VT account (when the rent cheque hits) and just about 7$ in the NY account tonight. BUT... there's 4 containers of ice cream and 4 bags of veggies in the freezer, 2 more portions of chicken'n'rice in the fridge with almost 2 bottles of juice and 3 dozen eggs. Pasta. PopTarts. Bread. 4,5 packages of English muffins, several chicken breasts... there's food. And yes, more than enough coffee and a box of tea... WITH... a pack of smokes. Life is fine. And Yonah has enough food and there's water and 2 radiators to keep us warm in case of need. We'll be OK. - Now, as for “market”... WHAT A FUCK! At market, chicken is UP to $5,99/lb from the usual $3,99 which I verified by looking at the chicken bought on the 21st Feb! FUCK! NOT A PACKAGE UNDER $10! I'd be DAMNED if I'd pay that much for the shit they shove on us! Though I DID manage 2 little jars of “Badia” cumin which I needed and at HALF the price of the “organic” (which I would have preferred but it's there and that's fine, though there's just chickpeas to use it with). *** THEN... I NOTICED THE PRICE OF GAS AT STEWART'S... $2,90/GALLON (OK... 2,899 but ... FUKKALL!)!!! Only a matter of about 2 weeks ago it was $2,70! They're FUCKING US at this juncture. I watched the “Cavuto” report this evening and the “experts” are saying that there's “little speculation” involved (as Alvin, the Arse claims) and a LOT of the cuts in US production due to the new “regime in power” cutting SO MUCH of OUR independence and returning to dependence on the Middle East. I'm fucking bleeding LIVID! Not that I'd planned on any “travel” in the near future but this won't reverse any time too soon AND getting oil for the furnace is going to be all but impossible... and there's more COLD to come for a while! Oh the fuckerie of it all! So, with the usual anxieties and anger that goes with marketing, I was BENT and TWISTED coming back to THIS shit-hole of banging, thumping, tapping, pounding, thumping and the bull-shitteries of a day! (And my “List” continues... THAT much I WILL keep record of!). - And so... I got involved with a bit of “QI” for a while, before “meal” which I “warmed-not-heated” in the toaster-oven and grabbed 10 +-+++minutes on the futon. Meal at 17.15 and done by 18.00. “Sufficient” at best. Ice cream after. Why? Why ice cream? Because it's here and I enjoy it, though NOT the COLD that it produces in the body which I'd been fighting all damned day. NOT that it's been cold in the house... just in me. - At about 16.45... *** SQUALLS *** !!! I mean, seriously blowing SNOW ALL ABOUT! Thankfully, it didn't continue too long, well, not long enough to do any serious coverage. There's a fresh, light covering tonight (until the WIND blows it away), but for a while, it appeared we'd be “under it”. (There was a NYSEG notice in the e-mail about “preparing for wind” and indeed... the “wind” has arrived.) - As for any sort of “accomplishments” during the day, I got another nice coat of clear on the front of the PO sign. I have to get a batch of epoxy ready to put the hard-ware in and then I'll put the next coats on. I want the hard-ware firm and sealed. Why? I doubt the damned thing will hang for very long. I didn't remember to consider the SLAMMING Westerly winds when I decided to make the bracket of wood. But... we shall do with what we have and see how long it lasts. - That said, I DO wish tomorrow were a holiday or some sort. I could look forward to a “hibernation” day. But, I won't answer phones, post, the door. (I've decided I won't be answering the door any more. I just don't want to be bollocksed nor arsed with/by others any longer. I truly AM slipping into “Full Hermit” and anti-social behaviour. And I don't give a shit.) - A note: Still on the 11g vit.C today. Decided to pull the full 30 days of that and will titre-down come Wednesday... to 10g/day for 30 days or so and then to the 8... 6... 4... and back to 2. It should pull through the cold months until Yonah is back out. (I still have to work on that... now that I've remembered that the back gallery faces North. - The bloody plough has been by twice now... it just passed again. There's no snow to speak of on the roads but hey... the morons have to use their funding, I suppose. - Other-wise, on the topic of “annoyances”... Started at 12.19 and on-and-off all during the day it's been a pain here-and-there, now-and-again. - *** OH! THE FUCKCING IN-BREED PARKED SO THAT I HAD TO DRIVE IN OVER A SNOW MOUND WHEN I CAME BACK FROM MARKET! IF I DIDN'T HAVE 4-WHEEL DRIVE I'D'VE BEEN SHIT OUT OF LUCK! FUCK! - OK. The 'e' key is fucking again as are the “c' and 'd'. I have to do something about this now so.. more later. 2nd hot water at hand. - 19.58 Just did an un-install of the key-board and it didn't help. Oh well... here we go a-fucking-gain! And the lights just flickered. Time to look for candle lights and make sure the house is warm enough for Yonah through the night. If the electric goes... I don't worry about me... but HER. Will move her into my room with the terracotta heater. No prob... precious little one. - Now to re-try the keyboard bull-shit. FUCK! - 20.18 Just had a look out-side...
THE WIND IS HOWLING! THE SNOW IS BLOWING SO THAT CLIFF'S LIGHTS ARE ALMOST INVISIBLE! CAN BARELY SEE SEAN'S HOUSE! AND THERE'S MORE SNOW COMING! THE ROAD IS COMPLETELY “GONE”. IT'S -6/-10 BUT WITH THAT WIND... IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A “HAPPY” SORT OF NIGHT. SNOW SHOULD STOP IN ABOUT AN HOUR, ACCORDING TO MÉTÉO BUT THE “WARNING” MENTIONED “KEENE VALLEY”!!! THE “RADAR” SHOWS A “LINE” OF IT COMING THROUGH... OUT OF NO-WHERE! WELL! “WINTER” IS *NOT* LEAVING POLITELY... NOT TONIGHT. “THE STRONGEST WINDS FROM 23.00 TONIGHT UNTIL 9.00 TOMORROW!!! BUTONLY “GUSTS” OF ONLY “50MPH”, NOT TOO BAD. LIZTOWN IS EVEN MENTIONED TONIGHT.
So much for March and the coming of Spring. - Mean-while, the key-board is getting even worse. The space bar is fucking tonight. PISS-SHIT FUCKING BULL-SHIT! - The furnace was on... just stopped... oh the quiet. Well, at least we can seriously doubt that the cow will be in the house tonight... (We can hope.) - I'm going to venture a bit of “tele” with next hot water. I've taken the C and naproxen. Then... to bed. Fuck this shit. I'll run a complete scan tonight again... hopefully the power will stay on through it. - 22.18 -11/-19 and I can hear the wind. The key-board space-bar doesn't work properly and Shitbrat was rumbling for almost 2 hours. I'm off to bed hoping the electric stays on through the night.
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I went back to sleep and then...
At 6.56 we were at -19/-32°
I see, currently...
At 9.19 we are at -15/-25°
and the sun is shining in a beautiful, Wint'ry-blue sky, the “snow clouds” are clearing from the mountain-tops, the furnace is running, and Yonah is coo'ing... her curtains were opened at about 7.30 when I finally got out of bed.
YONAH IS MIMICKING ME AS I COO WITH HER! I COO TWICE, SHE COO'S TWICE. I COO THRICE, SHE COO'S THRICE! HOW I WISH I HAD ANY IDEA WHAT WE'RE SAYING TO EACH-OTHER! HOW I WISH!
And so, there we have the morning. As for the rest of the day? Not sure. But being on this piece of shit lap-top to type isn't in the plans. This is aggravating! I suppose I may as well go through the “virus up-dates” it wants... it'll be shit no matter what. - Oh...
This morning, already, I have the slamming cup-boards from the “stable” and the slamming doors and whining from the “Autism Day Care”. Welcome back to the “Shelter Days”. Y'know it makes me wanna PUKE! - 16.08 JUST PUTTING THE LAP-TOP BACK ON... I WAS HALF-SNOOZING ON THE FUTON, HEAD COVERED AND ALL WHEN I HEARD THE FURNACE KICK... FIVE HOURS WITH NO ELECTRIC ON A CLEAR, BRILLIANTLY SUNNY BUT -7° DAY! BUT, GOOD TO KNOW, THE HOUSE ONLY DROPPED TO 15,8° IN THAT TIME. THANKFULLY, THE SUN WAS SHINING BRIGHTLY. Right now, I have the water running to “clear the line” and the thermostat set to 70F. AND I'D CHECKED THE OIL... HALF-TANKED (AS IT IS)... SO... I AM THANKFUL! - (Sadly, the key-board isn't doing much better... even after all the scans AND the RE-INSTALL of the fucking driver AND the up-date for the “virus scan”. Fucking Dell/Microsoft bull-shit. - BUT the house took mere moments to warm, and the fridge is running and... well... it's been “a day”, to be sure. - So, whilst I wait for “meal” to warm in the toaster-oven... a little re-cap (in spite of the fucking key-board)... - I suppose I was a bit too “thankful” and “celebratory” this morning when I woke to electric and “all good”. As I plodded about the place with the “normal” morning blurs, the house went quiet... 10.35 on the oven clock. Minutes passed. Moments passed. Nothing came back on. I waited... As the house began to cool, I went round and lit every tea-light possible and, since the “South” rooms had the sun, I closed the doors. - 18.16 OK. Meal is done. The house is back in order. I HAD to stop typing and HIT this lap-top with the Hoover! Thus far, it appears to be better. Perhaps there was something in the key-board? I don't know. I never will. But here we go again... as the furnace kicks, the sun sets, and things appear to be as if today's little “drama in New Russia” dissolves into another day. - Now... As I said, I closed the doors to the rooms, lit all the tea-lights and tried to keep busy. At one point, I tried to nap but I just couldn't drift off. So, I decided, better to get up and out into the sun than sit and watch the thermostat drop. On went the coats and gloves and boots and out the door I went. Started with the front, shovelling all the snow from the front of the house, off and around the corner. The sun was BEAUTIFULLY WARM! The thermometer on the porch read just over 40F. As I shovelled, I moved on to the back... to MY part of the drive. Shitbrat's vehicle wasn't there, but that made no difference to me. I wasn't about to clear the entire drive anyway. So now, there's a “clearing” for the truck. Sadly, I'll still have to back in but at least it's clear... FOR ME! (I'm NOT in a “generous” mood any longer.) When I'd done with that, I wanted to come into the house for a smoke and tried the front door but... stupid me, it was locked. I'd come out the back. BUT... as I was on the porch, Becky and John Demings were out front and I over-heard Becky say that the main was closed some-where along the way. I didn't catch where but I'd noticed she came into town via the Hill so I assumed it was between here and Elizabethtown. Well... I ignored them and went on to the side of the house to shovel the entrance to the cellar and the oil in-takes. Dan came by. He too, had no heat, and he pointed-out, we had NO WATER! Well... stupid me. The water comes from a well with a pump. Nope. No water! So no HOT water! (I was thinking: if all else failed, at least I could take a hot shower. HAH!) We chatted. He said that he understood that electric should be back by 16.30. That was a relief to hear. But he was on his way into town to get hot coffee. I mentioned that he might not be able to make it, due to the closing. He went on his way and sure enough... moments later, I saw him returning. The road out of New Russia was closed. No prob for me. No matter what, we didn't have electric and I'd have no heat. (At least it was still about 21° in Yonah's room and she was comfy, having made a “nest” in her house in the sun. That's ALL I TRULY cared about.) I came back in, via the back door, grabbed the flash-light and went down to the cellar figuring I was up, out and about and cleared the entry to the cellar so... CHECK THE OIL IN THE TANK! *** IT'S JUST HITTING THE HALF!!! I'd figured it would be by Thursday and so, my calcs were almost on the mark! Still... a relief. This cold is supposed to be passing next week... I can only hope. - Done, I came into the house to get a smoke and went back out to the front and Richie drive by, stopped and called “What did they do? Take your power?” So we got to talking. As it was, this morning, an odd BLAST of wind came in from the East and took a large tree down that took a utility pole down... wires and all. Said Richie, the power-line started a bit of a fire with the tree too. But NYSEG was on it quite quickly, as were the fire department. Said Richie, at that point, power was expected to return in 90 minutes so I was rather quite thrilled! YAY! I decided to drop down to Dan's to tell him the news and did, but he wasn't in yet so I took a stroll to the river. It's mostly frozen over... the falls are beautiful and I regretted no having a camera with (should take a stroll down tomorrow, weather permitting... it really is beautiful). It was a good walk, and I wasn't feeling at all cold. BUT... THERE WAS A PAIN IN MY CHEST AS I WALKED BACK TO THE HOUSE... UPPER RIGHT. (And today, I'm dropping back to the 10g/day on the C, no matter what.) Quite “specific” in location... a “dull-sharp” sort of pain. But my breathing is fine, no congestion, no difficulty. I can't figure what it is. But it doesn't matter, really. I kept walking, slowly. - Came into the house and as I did, a knock on the door. Alvin came by to say that HE heard that the power would be back up soon and we chatted about “this and that” as we do. I mentioned seeing Shitboi's car at Jeff's and Alvin said boi now takes Jeff's truck to travel in. I, with a dose of snark, said “Well, if the rumours are to be believed, they'll be in Queensbury next year.” ALVIN THEN SAID THAT IF THEY MOVE, “A FRIEND OF NANCY'S” WILL BE TAKING THE PLACE! SAID I “WELL, HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE QUIETER.” ALVIN ASKED “IS IT NOISY NOW?” “THE BANGING IS INTOLERABLE. I'M ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER PLACE AND SHOULD ONE COME, I'M OUT OF HERE... NO 'GOOD-BYE'... JUST GONE AND THE SOONER THE BETTER.” “HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO HIM ABOUT IT?” (meaning Shitboi). “IT ISN'T EVEN WORTH THE EFFORT.” I REPLIED. “9:00 AT NIGHT, 10:00, 11:00, 12:00... I'VE JUST HAD IT.” NOTHING MORE WAS SAID BUT I'M THRILLED THAT THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTED WHERE I WAS ABLE TO SPEEK ON THE MATTER! NOW... LET'S SEE IF IT MANAGES TO GET TO MASSACHUSETTES AND WHAT, IF ANY (I'm not expecting any) SORT OF RESPONSE IT ILLICITS. IT'S BEEN SAID. THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT. - OK... that done, I came back in and sat with Yonah for a while, talking. She's SUCH a SWEETNESS, BLESSING, JOY, LOVE! It was as if she was listening to my every word... she, right next to the cage by my face, closing her eyes, moving her beak as if to speak. I started “singing” along with “Once Upon A Time In The West” and she almost dozed-off! She ISN'T REALLY afraid of me. She just doesn't want to be touched. I understand... and I DO LOVE her so very much. We talked about the flock, the weather, how sorry I am that she had to be cold or even chilled and that I will miss her terribly when she leaves. And all the while, my heart aches at the thought of not being here for her when she's gone, what it will be like when her “home” is taken away (because I'm not leaving it here). I'm growing incredibly bitter with anger because of this bull-shit and I sincerely don't trust “friends of Nancy”. - That was the day. I came in, decided to “pass the time” under the sleeping bag on the futon. The house was becoming chilly, Yonah's room was still above 20°, so I decided I could sleep the time away until, at least, the power came back. I mean, I couldn't warm dinner, no Internet so no “tele”... WELL... AS I LAID THERE, TRYING TO DRIFT OFF... THE FURNACE KICKED!!! 15.38 ON THE CLOCK! I WAS THRILLED! GOT UP, CHECKED THE CLOCK ON THE STOVE... IT HAD STOPPED AT 10.35 THIS MORNING. FIVE HOURS! I've already noted the hours and temperatures, but I was THRILLED to hear that furnace running! So... I got up, set the thermostat to 70F to get the warmth back in the place and went to Yonah to tell of the great news. Next... meal went into the toaster oven. I heard the toilet filling so the water was back up. I opened faucets, flushed the toilet and removed Yonah's “pool” (because there was shit in it and so, it HAD to be washed before she drank that water) and... “Life” resumed. - So... that' all said and done, meal was at 17.00. One more portion of chicken'n'rice left in the fridge. The ice cream had JUST started to go soft in the freezer but thankfully, the chicken is still frozen. Got to watch the news with meal and of course, as usual, done by 18.00. (So sad.) - Now, as I type, the furnace is “cycling” at 65F again. Yes, there's a bit of the usual “chill” to the place but at least I know there's oil AND the furnace is running! Yonah's light is on for a little while. I'll replace her “pool” tomorrow morning... it's washed and drying tonight. - Shitnoi's back in over there. I can hear a bit of walking about. I can't help but wonder if the “old lady” (Alvin) bolted to “spread the word' to the other “old lady” (Jeff) about what I said. Frankly? I don't give a shit one way or the other. Alden's next... but that has to be when I don't have the “edge” I've carried lately. And I MUST get busy with house-hunting. - I'm angry, bitter, hostile because I don't want to leave the Adirondacks, don't really want to go back to the “flats” of the North, don't want to leave the county, but, unless some-thing drastic happens, that's the way it's going to be! AND... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HERE BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO BE HERE FOR YONAH... FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATHS TO GIVE HER AND HERS. But all I can think at present is...
New Russia can return to the calibre they're accustomed to: Drunks, druggies and single mothers... TRASH.
I'd figured on spending about 300 of the next “stimulus” on a lawn mower, have been planning to re-do the entrance to the cellar, flowers for the Hill side of the house... a raised bed garden out back... clothes line... working on the garage to clean it up... I'm SO glad I haven't made ANY of those investments in this place. Nothing like none of it being appreciated... again. Oh well... I suppose it's time to “move on”... again. So much for “Living the Dream” here. (Surely, there's better, ahead... for my truly “last days”.) - And so, first hot water done. This part of this house is calm again. Tonight I will have a quick shower before bed... for the warmth, and NOT at 23.00!!! Tomorrow morning comes the BILL-PAYING! Cash in at 6.00 and broke again by 7.00 but... And time to REALLY get to BUDGETING! SERIOUS, HARD, DIFFICULT AUSTERITY BUDGETING! NO PROB! - Mean-while... time to find more tele to watch. Most of the “new” Brits I looked at last evening are horrid. Oh well... we'll find some-thing... to be sure. - I'm just relieved to hear the fridge and furnace running again! - 22.29 “QI” and NO NOISE from next door! (No calling from Yonah either... I HOPE she's sleeping!) And I've decided no shower. I'm tired! So... a pee, a smoke and brush and a drop into bed. Another day... done. But TOMORROW... BILL-PAYING! (Damnit)
Wed.03.Mar: 8.53 BILLS ARE PAID! - But for some reason, my mind is still “burdened”... actually, it's the out-standing “medical” bills. But other-wise, the *necessities* are covered... there's also the oil situation, but, there's nothing that *needs* to be done and nothing that *can* be done about that one at the moment so, technically, BILLS ARE PAID. - I've been up and about from since about 6.30 this morning, and not just pissing the time away. Indeed... the bill-paying takes time... MUCH TOO MUCH time. - Last night, the lights went out, immediately, at about 23.00. I didn't even take time to read. Just got into bed, put out the lights and went to sleep. One loo-trip at about 1.30 and other-wise... slept right through, no dreams. “Woke” with the first alarm and snoozed until the second when I heard Yonah's “call” which is when I put off the alarm and got up and started to roll along with coffee, loo, curtains, dress, food to the flocks, quick smoke and right to the bills. - We had more snow during the night so the shovelling I did yesterday is... well... “not”. But the forecast is for above-freezing today, in spite of the rather heavy clouds, so I'm not bothering with snow this morning. - Yonah has been most vociferous this morning... even now, as I type this. And her “pool” is on a steady rinse in the basin. I have to re-install this morning. She's been most curious about the tubing in there. She DOES notice things, to be sure. - As for the rest of the day? Well, now that bills have been paid, there's but about 280 to “live on” for the duration... Thankfully, this is another “4-WEEK” period until next. But, with gas prices up... well... I'll HAVE to get to Medicaid about the medicals and see where it goes from there. - Oh well... another day... just another day. - Now I await the opening of the “Autism Day Care”. - Heard Shitboi leaving at 6.30 this morning. Tracks in the drive. Just waiting for the “fall-out” from my comment to Alvin, yesterday. Oh well... I have to “care” left on the matter. And I'm still rather pissed-off about this business of already planning on a “new neighbour”. It annoys me, quite seriously, that I had to be “introduced” and “screened” before I was “allowed to take possession” of this place but, thus far, the courtesy hasn't been extended to ME! Rent paid EARLY... consistently, no calls of complaints (and there are several I COULD call about... like the stove, for example). And the comment “They're singing your praises.” Yeah? No fucking appreciation. Yes, it DOES wear on the nerves... Noise to the left of me, commotion to my right, here I am, stuck in the middle (literally) with SHIT! - Oh well. - I hear the POqunt has arrived. The “day” officially commences. (She couldn't “close-out” yesterday so I anticipate a LOT of bull-shit and fuckerie this mornning. Morons.) - Let the good times roll! Fuck! At least MY BILLS ARE PAID! - 9.58 Yonah's pool is re-installed. It went easier than I'd expected. Fresh food and water for breakfast and... the “old” seed (only 2 days) is out back. John is ploughing the front... NOT, mind, that it's at all “necessary” but... - Mean-while, my general mood, where this place is concerned, is no better. I'm just disgusted. - Later, at some point of the day, I'll have to run into FamDoll for smokes and, most likely, a few dollars of gas to keep the truck tank full. OH... THAT'S going to be another thorn in the eye. But there's about 70/week until next “hectic day”... in 4 weeks. It would be grand if that extra 1400 would arrive this month. - BUT... the DOMAINS are re-newed for another year. BUT... (again), I can't seem to get to re-new “DeadArtist” and THAT has “LoupNordique” on it! Not to mention... the ENTIRE JOURNAL! I'll have to give a ring at some point, to “GoDads” and see what's going on with that. (I believe it has something to do with the “.de”. There's been some trouble with that all along, but it remains on “Auto-Renew” so... mayhaps best to leave it alone. I'll ponder. - Now? I'm going to run through soc.med. and, no doubt, head for morning snooze to pass the time until the Autism crew departs for the day. Thus far, it's been tolerable. But I'm sure SOMEthing will come by to “adjust and correct” that. Ah... Another day. - 16.51 I'm a bit in a bit of a bit of a shock... this day passed QUICKLY! It might have been round about 13.30 or so when I headed out the door to clear the truck, shovel the drive (for me) and roll into town... for gas (OUTRAGEOUS! but filled the tank on 14$... will HAVE to keep an eye on it, make sure it doesn't drop a quarter tank) and to FamDoll for 4... yes FOUR smokes, 2 rugs (loo and kitchen and finally get rid of the “scraps”... it'll be 2 years of that soon), foil paper, plastic wrap, a case for the “Seagates” and another sheer panel (which I MUST NOW get to cutting and sewing for the living-room windows and then get to washing those “curtains”... it's soon 2 years for them as well... ICK). I got back at almost 15.00, sorted through old receipts that have been tossed in the box in Yonah's room and the next thing I know... it was 16.00! So I threw meal into the toaster oven and tried for a 30-minute snooze but couldn't actually “doze” and so, meal it warming, the table is set and here I am... EXHAUSTED... mostly from the bill-paying... and TOO much closer to “pauper” than I should be but... the smokes are taken care of for a while; not the month, but a while. And so... the sun never came through today and now, the day rolls away... o'er the mountains. So much for this much of than much. - Yonah and I are “chatting”... I go in there and she's happy until I get “too” close and then she dodges. “Women”. Go figure. (I LOVE her SO much!) - 18.09 Well... meal is done, the washing-up is done, it never happened. Typical. I look to the hour of sitting to eat, it arrives, I sit, I eat... I don't even know whether or not it actually happened. Is it any wonder I'm tired all the time, “worn”, weary? Oh well... - Yonah's pool is off, curtains to be closed soon. And she's coo'ing her little heart out. - Meanwhile, Shitboi has been slamming cup-boards for about 5 minutes and I can't help but think of the last time we “spoke” and he said he's leaving in June and “Get outta this bitch.” Yeah? “Bitch”? It was fine when Hannah was here. The “Bitch” is the one you're so damned desperate in life that you'll “take on” anyTHING. All was well until “that” showed on the scene... and practically moved in. Anyway, I've even budgeted April's rent and written the cheque. It's in the envelope on the fridge... for the 24th. Right now, I'm paid through April... so particular “rush” to run to anything I don't really want to move to. Not to mention... YONAH! And thinking of her just makes me all the more bitter and angry. It would have been nice to be here for her through the Summer, should she need. Oh well... We shall see how it all works out. (I just hope that nobody's stupid enough to confront me with this. I wonder if the old thing next door... Ms. Alvin... has spoken as yet. I shouldn't doubt it has.) (And the thumping/banging continues from the “cell” in the back of the house. Fucking trash.) - I'm putting this onto the servers now. I want the video of Monday night on. “March... came in like a lion.” If the world were still even similar to how it used to be, I'd hold hope that March will “go out like a lamb”, but nothing is as it used to be. (And we have a week of cold nights ahead anyway... as the furnace kicks again... it's been running almost every half-hour this evening. Fuck.) - 18.36 The “thump-bumping” next-door continues. - The Journals with images are on-line. - Yonah is coo'ing along. (I wonder if her coo'ing doesn't carry through the wall... I imagine it does... and I don't give a shit.) - Moving along... - 21.34 and I AM going to shower tonight because... I WANT to! - There was another “furnishings move” next door this evening at about 20.30. And Yonah, who'd been “tucked-in” at 19.00 and very quiet until... well, she's been coo'ing rather a lot this evening. At one point, earlier, I went in and heard Shitboi “speaking”. I wonder if he's wearing those head-phones and has no idea he's making so much noise. Ah well... we may never know. - Had a good glance at the flats on Crgslst this evening. ALMOST considered Chateauguay this evening but it's in the “flats”... and there's just something “un-settling” about those “flats”... not to mention... “Franklin” county and not far from “Franklin QC” and, well... I wasn't really keen on the place anyway. So? So... In the past, my heart's prayers have been answered... eventually... after all... “little place in the Adirondacks” and “in a little hamlet with a catchy name”. We shall see. - But for now, with the thermostat turned to 62F (because the furnace just kept running!)... OH WAIT... I SWEAR IT JUST SOUNDED AS IF SOMEBODY IS UP-STAIRS... OVER ME! IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD SOUNDS COMING FROM UP THERE! I WONDER... WHAT THE FUCK? WELL... IF SOMEBODY *IS* UP THERE, THEY'LL BE THROUGH THE CEILING IN NO TIME. THANKFULLY, NOT ON YONAH, SINCE THERE REALLY ISN'T ENOUGH SPACE TO “BE” AT THE SIDES OF THAT ROOM. STILL... SOMETHING TO “CHAT WITH ALDEN” ABOUT? TOMORROW... - I'm out for last smoke and then shower and then... ending this “BILLS PAID” day!
Thu.04.Mar: 7.39 Got my shower last night. Most refreshing. And into bed. Yonah had finally calmed by 22.00. (And she's MOST vocal this morning again. The “mating season” is under way and I'm sure she's feeling quite lonely now. Sadly, this morning, there are more “flocons” from the mountains, and it's still on the “chilled” side of things. -7/-13° I see. And she's coo'ing out, into the morning. I DO wonder how audible her calls are, through the wall. I “wonder”... I'm not “concerned”. But my heart wants, so very much, to re-unite her with her flock! I SO wish the weather would change, the nights would be in the low double-digit temperatures! But Nature will do what it does, and my heart will continue to need to protect her. One day... one day... I suppose.) Anyway, yes, shower done and a whispered “Sleep well” and “I LOVE you” and I was IN bed by about 22.15. Lights went out, after some reading of “Whirlwind” and I don't recall having to get comfortable... I went right off to sleep by 23.00. One loo-trip at about 1.00 (the usual 2 hours later) and no more. This morning, I cut both the 6 and 6.30 alarms and was just about to doze back into “sleep” when “the call” came at about 6.45... Indeed, it was time to get up, put the kettle on, open the curtains. The day commenced. And now, dressed, in from a smoke and serving breakfast on the back walk (the flock of doves have been and gone already, of course), coffee at hand... another day... another day... - But last night, another DREAM, quite “deep” and “vivid”! First/second person simultaneously. I was the dream and I could see me as well... It was, as I say, “deep” and “dark” in both surroundings and atmosphere... I'd woken from it to go to the loo (and wanted to return to it when I returned to bed but... from 1-6.45... just sleep. I made a few notes on the bed-side pad, but I don't recall how it began but the parts I do recall deserve noting....
A party, of some sort, celebrating something, of course. A “theatre” crowd. The jovial, social, shallow, pompous, artificial sorts I recall from the days of “Applause/Broadway Beat”. There were MANY of them, in a rather large room, all dressed glitz'n'glam, milling'n'mulling about, smiles and drinks, suits, tuxedos, even gowns, glitter, and every-one dressed in darkest greys and blacks. Of particular note was the room, located in a massive, grand hotel... GRAND and HUGE! EXTREMELY “HIGH-END”, as it were. The room, as the corridors, halls and “tunnels” were constructed of solid wood with brass trimming. DEEP, dark, reddish mahogany/chestnut colouration. VERY dark and noticeably “DEEP” in colour. The wood made an impressionable contrast to the brass; vertical strips where panels joined, trim at the ceiling that was the same wood and colour, trim along the floor-wall, on the bar, the doors, there were no windows, just “indirect lighting” along the perimeters of walls and ceilings, in the room(s), along the corridors, and none of it very bright. It wasn't “sad” nor “gloomy”, just “close” though not uncomfortable nor stifling. A sort of “elegance”... ostentatious elegance, appropriate to the calibre of the crowd. As the colouration was a blend of mahogany/chestnut, the style was a blend of “Déco/Nouveau”, rounded corners, edges and such, thickly lacquered, HIGHLY polished, almost reflective. It's the “environment” that strikes me most about the dream. Not the usual “tenement, ghetto, oppressive, depressing” that's usual to my dreams. Not the “gloomy, cloudy, grey, rain, snow, oddly-smokey” greys, washed-out pale blues and greens. Not the “cold” colours, depressing. This was “abysmally deep” in colourations and it was “understood” that it all took place very late at night, though, not until the “end” was time-of-day noticeable... as I say... “no windows”.
It all had some-thing to do with “Europe”, as I noted on the pad. I don't know what, now. But I'd jotted that at the top of the paper so I note it here. I don't know why or how I was in attendance. I wasn't dressed as formally as all the others, and not in greys or blacks. I seem to have been in “casual business”, black slacks and then again, clean jeans, a sports shirt and then again, a pull-over sweater. But well-dressed, none-the-less and perfectly acceptable in the crowd. I'd been expected, was accepted, and whether known or recognised meant nothing in that sort of crowd. As I say, it was “theatre” so, no matter who or what, one was greeted with the common theatrics of warmest welcome and delight. (“Shallow”.) But there was some “heavy”, almost-oppressive urgency for me. I NEEDED to get THROUGH the crowd, away from it all, out of the hotel/building and to a train to some-where else... SOME-where... else... other... away! I had a dead-line, or a curfew, but a specific time-restraint that HAD to be met! There was a 7.00 or 7.30pm train that I HAD to be on, for some reason. But, at the moment, I was both “domiciled and homeless” simultaneously. I “wanted” to be “home”. I “needed” to be at a “shelter” or some place of that sort. “Home” was a welcome notion, the “shelter” was dreaded, but the ambiguity of the destination just lingered through the entire dream and was never actually settled. Still, the stress of getting to the “station”, which was part of the “hotel complex” and yet, quite a distance from the room I was in closed-in on me.
I SO wanted a smoke and had none. As I made my way through the crowd, I asked here and there, of the strangers, if they had a cigarette they'd part with. Not asking “a spare” or “one you could part with”. I was consciously aware of the stupidity of that sort of request. A rather “elderly”, stout, tux-clad man appeared out of the crowd. He held a drink in hand and a “cigarillo” hung from his mouth. As he approached, he smiled, took the half-smoked “cigarillo” from his mouth and offered it to me, saying, with a “smirky” sort of smile, though sincere “Out of cigarettes, are ya? I know the situation.” and handed me the half-smoked cigarette. I accepted, with quiet thanks, not happy about being offered a half-smoked item from somebody who could OBVIOUSLY WELL-afford to offer a fresh item. Then again, I thought: “He DID say 'I know the situation.' Maybe he's just another one of these pretentious dolts, piss poor in poverty but presented to the glam.” I took a drag and though I didn't like the “cigar” flavour, I truly enjoyed the pleasure of the smoke. It was quite a relief, palpable, to have that smoke.
I made my way through the crowd and as I moved along, a woman “of a certain age” came upon me, insisting that I have a drink “To go with your smoke.” said she, as she physically directed me to a “bar/table” where there were MANY bottles of wines and liquors and glasses. I started to pour some vodka into a small “rocks” glass but the woman took another bottle, and another woman took another and they both poured two different liquors into another glass of the same sort. I had NO idea WHAT they were pouring but, when they'd filled the glass, one woman handed it to me. There was a non-spoken but understood statement “Oh, go ahead, darling. It doesn't make any difference here!” I accepted the glass, took a “taste”. It wasn't un-pleasant but it was quite strong. I was quite happy-enough with it and with smoke and beverage in hand, made my way to the “exit” from the room.
The room opened into a “corridor” of sorts, the same dark, lacquered, highly-polished wood and brass. It was a “shopping” sort of situation, with high-end boutique-sort of stores along the way on both sides, similar to the “tunnels” of the “Underground City” of Montréal but not quite as wide. The windows were lighted with the same “indirect lighting”, but all were closed at the time. There were people walking about, some with obvious destinations, others just seemed to be “strolling”. As I walked along, there was an “alcove” of a sort, to my right. It was a “record shop”, VERY similar to the “Downstairs Records” that used to be at the Times Square station in NYC, but certainly MUCH “higher-end” (same dark wood elegance of the rest of the place). I noticed, in particular, on the back wall, in the selection of records, “Hues Corporation”... “Freedom For The Stallion”. I was pleasantly surprised to see it there, not because it was “rare” nor was it “out of date”, in fact, it was contemporary at the time. Some-how, I just didn't really expect “that genre” of music in the other-wise “elegance” of the surroundings. “Freedom For The Stallion.” I thought to my-self. “That's nice.” I didn't want to buy it, didn't have money, didn't have a place to bring it to, didn't have the means to play it. Besides, I needed to get to the train just then. So I continued along.
The corridor continued on and became a semi-circular “ramp” of a kind. No steps or stairs. It simply “blended into” an incline that turned up-ward, rather steeply and to the left. No “seams”, as if it were all made of one, solid plank all the way. And it was rather steep and quite wide. Perhaps similar in width to the promenade in Grand Central, down by the “Oyster Bar”, wide enough for a great many people to pass with-out crowding. And the same dark, lacquered, highly-polished wood of the walls and ceilings. In “reality”, it would have been impossible to ascend or descend standing, but people walked along with no indications of any difficulties at all. I ascended, leaning on a “side rail”, as it were, where the wall extended out-ward. I found it a bit difficult to navigate but managed to keep pace so as to appear as comfortable and accustomed to it all as the others around me. I was self-conscious and certainly didn't want to be “noticed” as “different” from them.
About half the way up, at the “bend”, off to the left of where I was, there was a bit of an “alcove” where-on, 4 or 5 small tables were set for dining in a “bistro-style” setting. Most were empty. As I stopped my climb for a moment, 2 elderly women, “over-dressed in finery” were leaving. I heard one comment “It was pleasant-enough but uncomfortable. My Jewish feet noticed that the floor was flat, level under the table.” I understood that it that they were “adjusted” to and accustomed to the “bowing” of the ramp-like structure and that the “levelling” of the dining area was, to them, uncomfortable and that it must have been an error in the construction of the dining alcove. Though necessary to keep the tables and chairs from sliding off the curvature of the flooring, it must have been an error in the architecture of the alcove.
I continued my ascent to the top of the long “ramp” and, arriving at the top, it opened to the out-side, to a “parking” area. The night sky was absolutely an incredibly dark almost-pure-black indigo. Just beyond where I was standing, I could see a high-way of sorts, full of traffic, perhaps 8 lanes wide, 4 lanes per direction. Quite plain and brightly lit, an “exit” sign. Number 53. I noticed it and thought, in a whisper to my-self:
“Sortie cinquante-trois.” and was disquieted when I realised that I was quite a distance away from where I should be, where I wanted to be... either at home or in some sort of “shelter”... I was, as I say, both “homeless” and yet, had a place... a “home” to go to, simultaneously.
I started to drift out of sleep as my anxiety increased in the dream, not sure of how to get to the train station, not sure how I was going to afford the train-fare, not sure of where I was going to.... and the alarm sounded.
It's now 10.11. I've been typing this all morning, not wanting to leave out any details that I can still recall. Yonah has been coo'ing along all the while. The pee-oh opened. Oddly, there's no car parked out front. Shitboi's made a wash, banged about the place. Moments ago I heard the door slam shut over there. I've put food out for the flocks and had a quick smoke on the back gallery. We had a squall some moments ago and now, the sun is shining brightly. The house is “chilly”, thermostat set at 65F and the furnace trying to maintain that. Generally, the house is an unusual “quiet”... no chatting in the pee-oh, no “throngs” gathered. I wonder who's running the office and how she (I'll assume it's a “she”) gets here. - Of particular annoyance this morning... I'VE BEEN RECEIVING MULTIPLE MESSAGES FROM “GOOGLE PLAY”, NOTIFICATION OF SOME SORT OF “APPLICATION” (“APP”) THAT TELLS WHETHER OR NOT I'VE BEEN “EXPOSED TO COVID”!!! AND, ON “GAB”, A POST THAT CUOMO HAS INITIATED SOME SORT OF “COVID PASSPORT” THAT IS TO BE REQUIRED FOR ENTRY TO MAJOR VENUES, “MADISON SQUARE GARDEN” AND THE LIKES!!! IT ALL SEEMS SURREAL, UN-NATURAL... AS IF WE TRULY ARE BEING “TAKEN”, MADE INTO PRISONERS. IT'S CONCERNING, WORRISOME, DISQUIETING, THREATENING... and Yonah's coo'ing last night and this morning makes me wonder. “Things” are not “good”. Of course, between the dream last night and reading “Whirlwind” and the anxieties of Shitboi's banging, the “Nancy's friend” already in line for the flat and no word or communication from Alden about any of this, and what sounded like somebody (thing?) “walking about” up-stairs over the living-room last night... well... indeed... it's all becoming “odd”, strange, “off”. OR... maybe all this bombardment of vit.C and the decrease and what-ever is going on in my body MIGHT have some bearing on it all. Insanity? Psychotic break? Oh, no sense being concerned. What-ever will be... will be. - For now, it's time to get on with what-ever the day holds, offers, does. I've finished all the chicken'n'rice so will have to think of some-thing for tonight's “meal”. I'm concerned about the oil for heating. No breaks in the “negative” temperatures until next week. And even then, there's no telling what's to come. The “government” is still stalling with the “relief” payments. The “news” these days isn't “good” at all. Between the “relief payments” and the fact that this regime has put the country back into war and we're already seeing reports of deaths of military... there's another “invasion” due from Central and South America at any moment, it truly IS becoming quite a night-mare... my dreams are more comforting. - Well, Yonah's pool needs fresh water. The PO sign bracket needs working. Pondering a call to Ev. And I haven't gone through today's soc.med., banque checks (for payments processed from yesterday)... time to “drift along”... just “drift along”. - 11.55 Just finished mid-day's and stepped out into the brilliant sun-shine (and no warmth) to fetch today's “Prsrt Std” from AAA (again) and... LOOKING UP INTO THE WINDOW UP-STAIRS... IT APPEARS THE CEILING UP THERE IS CRUMBLILNG! AND NO ANSWER WHEN I PUT IN A CALL TO ALDEN JUST NOW. I GUESS I NEED TO PHYSICALLY GO UP THERE AND HAVE A LOOK. I DON'T WANT TO, BUT... LET'S SEE IF I GET A RETURN CALL FROM ALDEN. Oh... here we go... - 12.27 JUST OFF THE PHONE WITH ALDEN... HIS CALL RANG-THROUGH AS I WAS GOING IN TO UP-STAIRS BUT DROPPED WHEN I GOT IN. SO I WENT, LOOKED... YEP... PLASTER FALLING UP THERE. SO I CAME BACK DOWN AND RANG HIM BACK. “IT'S EITHER THE PLASTER OR HAUNTED BY THE THE GHOSTS OF THE PLAGUE C.1917.” HE SAYS IT'S BEEN FALLING ALL ALONG AND HE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE CONCERNED. (THOUGH I DID NOTICE, TODAY, THERE'S A SEPARATION IN THE WALL IN THE FRONT, AT ABOUT THE PORCH-ROOF LINE, WHERE LIGHT AND WIND ARE COMING IN. I'D NOT NOTICED THAT BEFORE, BUT THEN, I WASN'T ACTUALLY EVER LOOKING... *** MEANWHILE *** HE'D JUST SPOKE WITH JEFF LAST EVENING *** AND *** HE'S HAD A TALK WITH SHITBOI NEXT DOOR *** AND *** HE'S HEARD ABOUT MY STATEMENT ABOUT THE NOISE!!!*** AND I'M TO UNDERSTAND THAT “THEY'LL” BE NEXT DOOR THROUGH THE MONTH AND AFTER THAT... THE PLACE WILL BE EMPTY (“PROBABLY ABOUT A MONTH OR SO”, SAYS ALDEN). HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD GO AND SAY “I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE LEAVING BUT I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD BE MINDFUL OF THE NOISE, AND I'LL -HE, ALDEN- WILL BACK YOU UP ON WHAT-EVER YOU SAY. YOU'RE A GOOD TENANT AND I'M GRATEFUL TO HAVE YOU THERE.” YEAH? WELL, I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT BEING TOSSED “OUT OF THE LOOP”, AS IT WERE. BUT I SAID NOTHING, MADE “HA-HAHS” AS I USUALLY DO. AND THE CHAT WASN'T AN HOUR, AS SOME HAVE BEEN. HE SAYS HE'S HOPING TO BE UP IN APRIL AND “STAYING 20FT APART BECAUSE THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH UN-KNOWN”. FINE. AS FOR RE-RENTING, HE SAYS HE'LL PUT OUT AN AD “80 YEARS OR OLDER...” &c, TRYING TO KEEP WITH THE GENERAL “AGES” OF FOLKS. SOMEBODY QUIET. WE'LL SEE. BUT HE ASKED ME TO BE PATIENT. I TOLD HIM OF MY EFFORTS TO UN-BLOCK THE PLUMBING, THOUGHT ABOUT TELLING HIM ABOUT THE STOVE AND DECIDED NOT TO BOTHER. OH WELL... HE HAD A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO TELL ME OF ANYTHING HE DISAPPROVES OF AND SAID NOTHING. SO WE SHALL SEE WHERE IT ALL GOES FROM HERE. HE MUST HAVE MARCH RENT BY NOW. APRIL'S IS WRITTEN AND ON THE FRIDGE AT THE READY... I'M ALREADY PAID THROUGH APRIL ANYWAY. THE HOUSE IS IN GOOD ORDER. THERE... THERE'S THE DAY. (I WONDER WHAT LAST NIGHT'S DREAM WAS ABOUT THOUGH..) - And so, it's BITTER COLD out there today. As I came from up-stairs, along the drive, the wind is coming from the West and it's SNAPPY-COLD! But the sun is shining brilliantly, in through Yonah's windows, and there, giving warmth to her. All is well... as long as she is well. - As for me and the rest of the day? I don't know. I'll find some-thing to “occupy” the time, I'm sure. Other-wise, there's nothing of importance... other than “medical bills”' which again, today, I don't want to be bollocksed with/by. I'd rather just go snooze... especially now, having “chatted” with the “Alden”. (Still... well... in spite of the fact that I KNEW my statement would get back to him, and I can imagine... Alvin to Jeff to Alden... “as long as old women sit and talk about old men”, as the lyrics go, “knowing” is one thing, “confirmed” is another. Gee I wonder... my “looking for another place” wasn't mentioned. But... “I'll just ask you to be patient. It's temporary.” is what he said. “You're a good tenant and I'm grateful...” Yeah... I've heard the shit before.) - Time to “let it go”. And it's getting chilly in here again. At least now I know why: Westerly winds o'er the snow-capped mountains. Winter... The North Country. It's a delight. - 19.50 Yonah has been “seepin'” from since about 18.30 when she coo'ed and I closed her curtains, but up the “block” against head-lights, and slightly closed her door. Her radiator is on so her room will be kept nice and warm. (Thankfully, the furnace hasn't been running like there's no limits to oil.) Ah... she just started coo'ing again as I was typing! Oh well... If she continues, most of the time it helps if I go in and talk with her for a little while. Poor little one. She's probably used to having somebody close by at night so when she wakes here, alone, she probably calls for somebody else. How my heart breaks! And tonight's weather isn't being helpful in ANY manner! I just came in from a smoke on the front porch. SQUALL AGAIN! FUCK! SNOW BLOWING IN A HEAVY NORTH WIND... AGAIN! Temperature? Météo claims it's -7/-16°. By 6.00 tomorrow morning... -16/-24°!!! Tomorrow's “high”? -8/-15!!! No breaking the “freeze” until Tuesday-week! And that's just the forecast! It's not that I'm minding it any more or less, but I want Yonah to be back with her flock and THIS shit is driving me to exhaustion! - Second hot water at hand. A shower before bed tonight, to be certain! AND... NOT LATE! (I could have had a snooze after meal but I'm fighting it.) - Shitboi came in at about 17.30 or so. I heard the door slam (it probably sticks and he uses that front door), a little bit of “moving about”, cup-boards, perhaps, and thus far... stillness. I'm just hoping that, IF the matter was brought to his attention, it was done properly... though, considering the mentality I'm dealing with in the matter... I seriously doubt it was. I'm just quite relieved he didn't come over to “discuss” because I'll tell him honestly: It didn't happen until “the new woman” came on the scene. (Oh... I DID, as I recall, mention to Alden, that it appears she spends QUITE A LOT of time here... No doubt THAT will get around. The line between MA and NRNY is probably BURNING even now... fucking old women. That too, is exhausting.) - Anyway... More squalls tonight (that don't appear on the weather reports), more bitter cold to come. The oil? I'll check next week. Hopefully no more than 1/4 tank will be used. (If more... I'm FUCKED! On to the radiators and 2-rooms heated. Oh well... Thankfully it's March. 2 more months of this shit... SHIT!) - 21.57 LATE! Off to the shower then to bed!
Fri.05.Mar: 8.39 I've been up and about from since 6.30. I woke, of my own, at about 6-ish and laid in the bed, watching the clock until the “6.30” alarm sounded. Turned it off and heard the furnace kick... followed by the “mourning wake-up” call. Yonah was up and so too, was I. So the kettle went on, I stopped at the loo and went in for “curtain call” with the LOVE! From there... it was dressed, smoke on the porch, put the “whites” into the basin to soak, serve breakfast after the flocks of doves and jays had finished eating, wash the whites, water the plants... and here I am... Feeling? “Off”... “light”... a touch tired (as is usual), but moving along and chatting with Yonah. - Heard Shitboi leave this morning. Thankfully, the night went along, after Yonah's “vocal” period which, I believe is often due to the banging next-door when she's either ready to go to sleep or is rudely awakened. Ah... let's see how that situation rolls along... especially with the “new neighbour”... when-ever that may be. - Meanwhile, last night, something came to mind as I was showering...
“Exit 53” in Thursday's dream. There's something “familiar” about that number... that “'exit”. Then, alphabetically, 53 is “EC”... First thing that came to mind: Eliz Col! Free association... the dark wood and brass trim that was so prevalent through the dream. Casket? Did Liz die? I looked her up on the Internet before settling-down to read. Nothing of note. No “obit”. But there's SOMETHING about that number! And this morning, when I woke, it was the first thing that came to mind and has stuck all the while. I just can't figure it out. Although, as I was “gleaning” in the loo, the phone was down to “53%” as I noticed. Still... WHAT is it about the “53”? And, for some reason, “St-Jerome” keeps coming to mind as well. (9.10 I got lost in the “Numerology” of the number 53... It appears that it's “a guardian angel” telling me to shed the past, shed the uncertainties and doubts, a time of “change” has arrived and that the change will lead to success... also, that I climb to success, am successful but have, in the past, “fallen” back to where I'd started. I can't help but ponder the “ramp”... no steps, just lacquered wood, smooth, and that at the top, “Exit 53” was visible but I wasn't ON the auto-route. I could SEE it, clearly, brightly illuminated. “Exit” 53? Off the rut and repetition of life, the “auto-route”, and on to some success, some “change”? I have to ponder more...) - Yonah is quite “vocal” this morning. The postal moron has arrived. The “day”, for others, has begun. For me? I've done the first “actual” coffee from the press and am ready for the morning “snooze”. I'll have to sweep some snow from the back gallery a little later. There's a chill in the house, as usual. The furnace has just stopped. I'd like to get to the “PO sign”... but I'm just a touch fatigued at the moment... Oh well... another “normal, usual” day... and it's Friday... and I should get to market at some point (and check the price of fuckin'chicken... 2$/lb rise... FUKKERS!) - 15.27 Marketing done... and I got chicken... back at the “actual” price. I HAVE to wonder... I truly do. And it would have been mere moments, had it not been for one of the “commoners” who came along with a cart-full and, at the last moment (as the total was rung-up) decided to go for a “card”. WELL! EVERY-THING HAD to stop because “Will the total go down if I have a card?” Yeah... sure. Any-way... I'm down to 1,38FS now, until Tuesday, but there's food in the house AND... I'm cooking the left-over broccoli tonight (“fritatta”) AND put some in for Yonah and she went RIGHT FOR IT! SHE LOVES HER BROCCOLI! Item 1 on next shopping list, to be absolutely SURE! - I put a card-board “loft” in the corner for her today. It's not what I really WANT, but she seems to enjoy it. I wanted some place where she could be higher but didn't have to “perch”, just a place to rest and bask. Well? She seems to like it. And she didn't mind my pfutzing about in there whilst installing. I'll have to find some sort of wood platform... something a bit more sturdy. At the rate the weather's going, she and I have several more weeks together. - And now, I should put today's chicken up. 12 in the freezer with it. And got 3 more ice creams on sale. So there's enough of that for a while. The rest? Little items. Nothing much. But I'm glad I got the ice cream and chicken today. That made the trip worth the effort. - I'd really like to snooze too... I took an hour this morning. Realised: folks can't “congregate” in the pee-oh these days... masks, panics, tiny space. No wonder it hasn't been any screeching save the banshees. But it went quietly today. (Now let's hope the evening/night are like-wise... I'm STILL waiting for the “fall-out” from that. Almost surprised Jeff hasn't been round to comment. But then, that would necessitate “close range” chat and Mr. Maskit won't do “close range”.) - Oh well... Still wondering about the “53”... Curious. - 18.26 Meal done. Washing-up done. Yonah's curtains are closed. Shitboi is on the move. And I'm ready to go to bed... Actually, the one thing that stops me is the 8-9pm pills. I need to keep that regime for as long as Yonah is here and I will. Other-wise... I'd be in bed, or on the way. But for now... “Four Tops”... it just hit and I'm listening. I could, should send e-mails to Theresa and Gina... should have phoned Ev today... not in any particular mood. Just don't want to be bothered with/by people. (Want to go to bed, to be honest.) Oh well... count-down to bed-time. Hot water for now... we'll see what I find to “amuse” mean-while (as the thumping next door commences... the fuck... hopefully it stops before 21.00... but I doubt it... fuck). - 22.07 At 19.30 I was ready for bed. At 20.30 I was fighting against going to bed... I have NO idea WHERE the time went! But NOW, I'm going to bed! - OH... MARCH RENT CHEQUE CLEARED TODAY!
Sat.06.Mar: 7.02 Just in from a smoke on the back porch and “serving breakfast” to the flocks, as it were, and as I stood, having my smoke, I could hear Yonah, coo'ing from her room *AND*, OFF IN THE DISTANCE, DOWN LAKOTA WAY, ANOTHER DOVE CALLING. THAT ONE WOULD CALL... AND YONAH REPLIED! IT WAS AS IF THEY COULD HEAR ONE-ANOTHER! YONAH'S COO IS A TOUCH DEEPER THAN THE OTHER, BUT, ONE WOULD COO AND THE OTHER WOULD “REPLY” ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. I've often wondered if Yonah can hear a dove “out there” and today, I wonder if those out-side, can hear her in here. I wonder: Are they calling to her and she's calling back “I'm in here. I'm OK.” and/or “Yes, I'm in here and I miss you too!” - This morning, when I came back in from out-side, where it's still “cold” but not intolerably-so, I stood, for a moment, in the kitchen and this morning, though I'm not feeling “ill”, I'm in a “state” where it wouldn't be at all difficult to simply “give up, give in and give out”... just, perhaps, go back to bed and let what-ever it is that's trying to “take me out” have its way... have a lie-down, a “snooze” of sorts, and just never bother to wake again. BUT NO! NOT UNTIL YONAH IS BACK WITH THE FLOCK! With the reactions I got when I asked for help with her, I don't have ANY trust in ANY of them to take care of her. They're more likely to simply toss her out into the elements. She's been in here all Winter, in the warmth (and her room is considerably warmer than the rest of the house, and extremely warmer than out-side). She's had no time to “adjust” to the cold, especially the nights when the temperatures are -20 and lower! Even with a flock around her, she'd be frozen... to her death... and I'll NOT have that! So? So... we roll with another morning, another day. When this is all passed, then I can “let Life take its own course”. But for now, I'll protect her to the best of my ability so to do. That's that. - Meanwhile, I woke this morning, round about 5.30... lights went out at 23.00 last night and then, at about 6.20 again, out of a dream:
A “ware-house” sort of place, large, rather clean. I was in an “office”, alone. On the file cabinets, many packs of cigarettes, “generic brand” (I can't recall the name... “New” something, but not “port”). Many were green packs, menthol. And bags of cigarettes as well. When I opened one of the bags to check the contents, they were, for the most part, just the paper “tubes” for “DIY”, some of which had tobacco in them already. I wanted a cigarette but “knew” that they were for the others. The “ware-house” was a “shelter”, or part of one. I WAS “Homeless” but not “in need” of these cigarettes, not that I had my own at the time, but I had the means to get my own so I wouldn't even consider taking any from the others. Several guys appeared in the ware-house out-side the office and one came in, gave me a “suspecting” sort of look and said some-thing about me being in the office and considering taking any of the cigarettes. I, being almost offended, said to him “If you have any doubts about trusting me not to take these, I spent 16 months in this place a while back. You can check my trust-worthiness at the 'big house'.” He didn't understand “the big house” so I said “The main building, 30th street... They're probably not there these days, but go find Peace Ochiaga, Renée Simons. There are others, but I can't remember their names. Somebody can go check the files. I never took from THEM THEN, and I'm SURELY NOT going to take from the guys here, now!” The guy looked at me, didn't *say* anything, but I some-how “felt” a sense of sympathy from him. “No need to feel sorry for me. I'm not as bad-off as I was then. Not MUCH better now, but certainly NOT where I need to steal from my own.” And with that, I drifted out of sleep to hear Shitboi slamming his front door (the clock read 6.23 as I recall) and Yonah coo'ing.
His slamming must have disturbed her (as I notice lately, his slamming over there does of an evening as well and that's when, after being so quiet at night, she becomes vociferous). Her coo'ing almost sounded as if she were upset, disturbed, annoyed but, she was awake and so too, was I. It was time to get up and open her curtains. “Our” day had commenced. And so, here I am, with first coffee at hand, vits. taken, dressed, and Yonah fluttering about, “pool” running, fresh food for the morning, radio on, and as I say... “our” day is in “roll”. - Sadly, the pee-oh will open “early”, close later. But, folks avoid me (which is fine)... Shitboi's out of the house. Best we can do is hope for “peace”... But, still, there's that “feeling” that I truly, certainly could just give-up on all of this. Not “depressed”... just fed-up with the “battle”. But I'm here, Yonah is here. We'll get through this... together. - 22.33 TOTALLY LATER THAN I'D EVER WANTED!!! But Yonah's been SO QUIET all evening. Curtains closed at about 18.30 and all. EVEN THROUGH THE “FURNITURE MOVING”, SO IT SOUNDED, AT 21-30-FUCKING-SEVEN! (Thankfully, it stopped shortly there-after.) - “DID today”? THREE COFFEES... FROM TARGET... FREE SHIPPING... 12,99 EACH. NOT BAD! Much cheaper than if I'd bought on Amazon... even though this was “cash” not FS. Still... COFFEE!!! Maybe until July! - Meal... chicken. Half a breast and “Italian Mix” veggies. Ice cream. And I've had 4 PopTarts (too many) and a non-toasted English muffin and my vits and such. - The furnace is kicking for the first time in quite a while (thankfully... though it'll probably run through the night). - And I'm not shower again tonight. Off to last smoke in the COLD and TO BED! The day's a wrap. - I just HOPE YONAH IS OK IN THERE... SHE'S BEEN SO QUIET!!! Most precious LOVE!
Sun.07.Mar:
 Sunday, 07 March 2021 |
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 This little one has been here before. Strangely contorted, but flies in & away alright. Quite a wonder. |
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Mon.08.Mar: 7.15 Dressed, in from smoke and serving breakfast on the walk. -14/-19° but sunny. 12° on Thursday and then back to “normal” there-after. A bit of a “heaviness” in the LEFT side of the chest, this morning. - I'd heard the alarms and decided to sleep until “morning call”. Seems Yonah and I are both having “slow start” to the day. She was “sleepy” when I opened the curtains and she's been rather quiet. All I can hope for is that Shitboi didn't keep her up and about either through the night or earlier this morning. I'm quiet so fed up with this bull-shit, to be honest. - And I had a “dreamlette” before waking:
I'd been sleeping, quite literally, on an old-fashioned “web” chaise-longue/lawn-chair, on a paved path-way similar to a narrow path-way along-side The Bronx River in Norwood. Rather isolated, with much growth on both sides. The chair was situated diagonally, with me facing the trees, to the left. (If that's of any import.) Over-cast sort of, perhaps later-after-noon-almost-evening when I woke. There were 2 or 3, or 3 or 4 guys of ages from about late 20s to early 40s sitting and standing across the walk, talking. I woke, out of a considerably deep sleep, only slightly concerned about them being there but not “frightened”. I'd slept there before (apparently) and was fine with it. Next (a jump in the dream as will happen), I was in a car with another guy driving. I'd gotten a lift to some-where. How, where, why wasn't at all clear, but I knew the driver and yet didn't. He was telling me what he'd done that morning, I wasn't much listening. There was rain on the wind-shield, light rain. I commented “I made it just in time. I was napping on an old lounge chair I'd come across beside the river, having had the time....” I felt ill-at-ease saying so because of the possible implications of being at the river and on an “old” lounge chair. I didn't want to appear “Homeless” or the sort, even though, I was... but wasn't. And I woke.
And there we have it. Here we have another day. Coffee at hand and pondering ways to pass the hours to come. There are “responsibilities” (that fucking bill from the abattoir) that ought to be attended but I'm REALLY NOT in the mood to be bollocksed. Yonah is listening to her “music list” on the iPod and looking out the window. The house has been “chilled” this morning, thermostat set at 65F. “Normal” for a morning... day... what-ever. Truth is, I'm looking forward to only slightly warmer days, but dreading the “hotter”. Not sure how I'm going to handle them and what the results of returning to the lower “C” will be. Ah well... probably, with my “life record”, not so great. Just no pain and give me strength until Yonah has returned to her flock. That's ALL, the ONLY things I demand out of this life-time. (I'm not asking, hoping or praying for... I'm “demanding”, out-right. I FUCKING LIVID about all the bull-shit of this life-time and now that it's obviously coming to an end... I just grow all the more bitter.) - And last night, I DID take that shower and got a good scrub in so after reading, it was easy to drift off to sleep. A little bit of difficulty, and at one point, a “contraction” of the right foot and leg that I managed to “shake off” with-out getting up. It woke me, I shook leg and foot, re-positioned my-self, re-aligned the back and soon was back to sleep. - Well then, there we have it. - The jays and doves were “there” already at 6.45 and I hear them out there now.. the jays, of course. Must to include an “amusing” (not?) note:
Mayhaps it's the current reading or the state of affairs or both or neither, but I can't help but equate the jay with the “blue-eyed Aryans” of Germany, 1930s-40s, and the doves with the “dark-haired, dark-eyed Jews”, especially since the doves come earliest of a morning, to get what-ever was left from the day before, followed by the jays who compete, quite strongly, against the doves. And the jays look stronger than the doves who, except for one, will leave, allowing the jays to almost clear the walk. The doves are a milder, meeker lot, easier to frighten. And it strikes me to be so similar to “The War”. (I know too much about too little about that bit of history and I think entirely too much about so much nonsense, which isn't nonsense at all... particularly considering that current affairs appear to be repetition of the errors of the past.) - OK... time to move along, or just move about. There are “under-things” to be laundered this morning and I want to get the epoxy on the bracket for the PO sign so that it will “cure”, ready for painting, when the temperatures rise... A-FUCKING-BOVE FREEZING (IF THAT EVER HAPPENS before I keel). Other than that? The half-curtains for the living-room which I don't really want to be bothered with but ought to and have no excuse NOT to. My little “hobbies” are catching up. What-ever will be... will be... or not. - Another day, another week... Donna's birthday and FS tomorrow. (“Friendly's” on sale this week and I do need some sort of some-thing for “pre-bed tablets”... English muffins tonight... just as well... I need to stop all the sugar intake... I'm developing “old man's tits”! It's rather repulsive.) - 10.10 the epoxy is ON the bracket... the longer screws (that I believe I got for the “front porch chair”) worked VERY WELL to make it all the more secure! (Sadly, it didn't align perfectly, but it's perfectly “fine enough”.) I've put bread crumbs out on the back walk... especially, this morning, because... CHIPMUNK AT 10.04!!!! THE CHIPMUNKS ARE AWAKE! I should believe THAT'S a GOOD SIGN... warmer weather not too far away... for YONAH! And as I stood on the back gallery having a smoke, there's a mourning dove, off by the Lakota, calling. How I SO WISH I could get Yonah out to her flock, with-out ANY concern about sub-freezes again. But, come the week-end, there's MORE -17s and such. DAMNIT! - Message from Target this morning: the coffee WAS due to arrive on Wednesday... now, not until the 22nd. God thing I took the opportunity when I did. But, no panic. I've MORE than enough for the rest of the month, at hand. - Yonah, mean-while, is basking in this morning's sun-shine. And there's warmth coming in with it. And “Pachelbelly” is playing for her. - The pee-oh is open and the idiot is relatively quiet. It would be a delight to simply have silent mornings and nights, with-out the “anxiety” of potential slamming. One day... one day... as my ashes float on Earthly breezes... perhaps. - And now, I ought to get to the curtains. Aside from the painting of the bracket, the “sealing” of the PO sign (and installation), my “little hobbies” of the Winter are, pretty much... COMPLETE! Next will come the “Spring cleaning” of house and yard (as if I really care to do any of that any more). And then? Probably nothing... but, “only the good die young”... and if “Life” has ANY control over ANY aspect of existence... I'm looking to another 60 years... of the misery that has been my “existence”. “Only Time will tell.” - Making the best of what-ever. - 16.48 Time with YONAH today... HEY! I got a sheer panel cut, hems ironed in, the bottom hem on one panel done. It's been WONDERFUL... spending time with Yonah. (Time with Yonah... one of these days... there won't be a “Yonah” to spend time with. My heart already breaks... selfish of me... only selfish.) And now, as “Une fois dans 'ouest” plays in Yonah's room, and the evening sun sets behind the Adirondacks and (sadly) clouds gather for the night (insulation against the cold)... “meal” is in the toaster-oven, veggies on the hob and the other panel awaits in the living-room. Honestly, I don't “want” to leave here... but I don't “want” to stay with the “UN-necessary” banging about at night. - I saw a place in Gouverneur that looked quite nice and affordable... Talk about “une fois dans l'ouest”. And another in Watertown. Reasonable rents, nice places. But SO far from the Eastern part of NY. Close to Lake Ontario, or on the Oswegatchee River. Still... I'll have to think about it. I'd LIKE, very so much thank you indeed, to stay in Essex county... inside the “Blue Line”. I like the proximity to Lake Champlain here. But... But... But... we shall have to see. Life has usually been “kind” when housing comes. Let's see if it doesn't “make up for the errors”. - Ding... Meal time. - 22.19 Meal was done, of course, by 18.00 and I sent an e-mail to Theresa because I received TWO from her. - Yonah was off to sleep at about 18.15 and woke only once after... SWEET-HEART! - Quiet chez Shitboi thus far this evening. - Moved the lap-top to the living-room and started the top hem of the other sheer panel. My fingers are cracking though and the thread is shit. Gave up. - Mock The Week... - Vits at 21.00... LATE! And now... off to bed. - Freezing rain due at some point but 5 FIVE degrees for tomorrow... Let's see... - I'm exhausted...
Tue.09.Mar: 11.43 (Happy Birthday Donna...) Sitting to mid-day pills and tea... Woke, this morning, with the alarms but waited for “the morning call” at about 6.30-ish and was up and about and on the “roll” with coffee and the usual morning routine. THEN... got RIGHT to the new “half sheers”. had to un-do ALL of last evening's work and re-start. BUT... am just on the last “hem”, as it were. Spent the morning with Yonah and will get back to finishing the stitching with her this after-noon. - The morning hours went by quickly. - Messages from Theresa in reply to my quick message and music to her yesterday. That, and the weather (supposed to be 5° with sun, but thus far, I went to fetch the “no post” of the day and the sun IS warm... BUT there are too many CLOUDS and the breeze is “chilled”. Oh well and alas. I just want SUN to come POURING in through Yonah's windows! The rest of the world can be what-ever it wants, but I WANT SUN FOR YONAH! - As for “health report”: shitty. Just not quite “me”, not quite “here”. Another one of those “strange” days of knowing “something's wrong” but managing to get about. “Light-headed”... a touch “dizzy” for the most part. Thankfully, the sewing is a “sit-down” job. Still... and now, having toast, a muffin and tea and not wanting ANY of it. And getting tired again. Oh well... Tea now... perhaps a quick snooze and back to “work”. I'd LIKE to get these curtains done and up. (I don't even know if I have the cord needed to span the window... but there's a bit of “shopping” to be done any-way... Aubuchon's and market... so I'll have to get out and about at some point. Just the thought of that makes me ill.) - Tea... and we'll see where the day ends... when it ends. - 19.03 THE HALF-SHEERS ARE UP ON THE WINDOW FOR THE FUTON! TOOK ME ALL DAMNED DAY! NO SNOOZE... ONLY MID-DAY BREAK! BUT BY “MEAL” TIME... THEY WERE UP AND THE “SNOW-FLAKES” ARE DOWN AND PUT AWAY. FINALLY! DONE! And my fingers are SO SORE! Put 2 applications of “O'Keeffe's” on. It helps MUCH more than the “Aveeno”. But it is worth it! Sadly, they don't do much in the way of blocking the “night vision” from out-side, but they're more for the day anyway. - And listening to “Pachelbelly” on the “3-hour loop” as I type. (With “bass back-up” from Shitboi who is in the kitchen over there, doing God-only-knows-what! Earlier, it used the washing machine and that's starting to “gurggle” in the loo basin again. This is going to be one Hellish month, I fear. Hey! I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, I make no noise... Fucking “wet baby”, that one. And from what I've heard about the mother and father... Trash begets... What a turn-around from the days when Hannah was here. And Jeff had the audacity to say “She thinks she's better than everybody else because her father won a million dollar lottery.” Yeah? NEWS-FLASH Bucko... she IS “better”. Oh well... My Hell... for now... until I know Yonah is safely returned to her flock.) - Other than that, Ed and Alvin were out front earlier this evening when I went for my before-meal smoke. We chatted a touch. They're both “Vaxers”. Oh well... Time will tell... I say nothing. But I DID “catch” Mr. Mayor... He mentioned having had “shingles” (Ed too). “You've never had chickpox?” I asked. “Yes, I did. But if you have chickenpox you're more likely to have shingles.” “Odd,” replied I, “but when I was a Nurse and we had patients with shingles, they looked for staff who'd had chickenpox.” “Oh” he rejoined “Yes, you're less likely to catch shingles if you've had chickenpox.” Well? Which is it, Mr. “I was a teacher”? Never mind. More bull-shit for another day. - I move on. Not quickly enough, but... my little lady-bird comes above ALL else. - Now, I'm tired. (What's new?) I could almost get to the shower and to bed now, but there's one more “dose” of Cs and then... - Saturday night the clocks get re-set. It'll be 20.13 this time Sunday night. I'll have to start the “adjustment period” on Thursday night. Honestly... more bull-shit. I MUST be getting “OLD”... I'm SO intolerant of so much. Fukkit. - Which reminds: Gee... Donna's birthday. Fukdattoo. - Now to tele and make ready for bed. Yonah is already “tucked-in”. HOPEFULLY THAT SHIT-BAG doesn't decide to start slamming furniture about the place any time tonight. OH HOW I BLOODY-FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! Reminds me too much of the Shelter nights when, at night, the anxiety levels SOARED, not knowing what the lunatics would pull during the night... and the getting up at 4.30 after JUST dozing-off at 2 or 3.00. This shit will STOP too. One way or another. - 21.28 Water finished. Had oatmeal with pills. Now, to try for a shower... my right thumb is split! And SORE! Oh well... Shower it is any-way. - Yonah woke earlier. I went in, whispered a little and... she's fine again. (I have to wonder what woke her!) Poor sweet-heart... When she's back out in the woods... nobody will be there to talk with her... and there'll be noises out there. But... she'll have the flock. - OH! I HEAR what woke her... Shitboi's at it again... at THIS fucking hour!
Wed.10.Mar: (Double-digit days again... Here goes another fucking month... though no quickly enough... YONAH NEEDS TO BE WITH HER FLOCK!!!!) 7.22 Having a difficult “start” today... Breathing, mostly. Energy with. Down. Up and dressed by 7.00. Yonah's curtains open. Breakfast to the back walk with a smoke and... HAD to have a lie-down on the futon. Coffee seems to help. I wonder why. - Anyway... lights went out at about 22.45 last night, if memory serves. Had a nice shower, read. - AT 22.32, SHITBOI WAS POUNDING SOME-THING! 22.32? WTAF? EH? No sense in getting worked-up over it... just keep thinking of a kinder, quieter place... else-where. - I might should ought to get some shopping in today... food, sundries. I dread it. - Expected high, 9°. -5 at present. 13° tomorrow, 9° again on Friday and then... THEN....? -14/-22 by Sunday. OK. Fine... (I have to check the oil... Why? No matter what it is, I can't “do” anything about it.) - Just having one of those “defeated” mornings here, I suppose. - But, another night has passed... another day lies ahead. IF any-thing goes well-enough, I can paint the PO bracket. (I ask why I bother, really... as I though this morning: I SURELY WON'T live to 90... probably won't make it to 70... not that I really want to.)
Another though that came to mind, as I lain on the futon: I actually am an “Agnostic”. I truly do NOT have ANY belief in anything “here-after”. No real “God”, surely no “Heaven” (but “Hell” seems easier to believe... fucked in the head... that's me). Absolutely do NOT believe in “joining the ancestors”, “understanding ALL”, being warmly embraced by the arms of the “Creator”. Basically, I have to “religious faith” in ANYTHING other than... We live whilst we're alive and when we die... we're dead. Interesting. And yet... the kippa in on the head and time goes along. This all comes from a chapter read in “Whirlwind” last night... all that “faith-based bull-shit” from a Jew in Warsaw... trapped in a flat in a building about to be torched, laying on the floor making notes, surrounded by corpses and one of a little boy, shot in the head as he'd looked out the window. Ah, all will be revealed and “God” will welcome those who've suffered. BOLLOCKS! Nope. Don't have it. I have the “traditions” of a “people”... and no more, no less, no other. “God”... REALLY?
And there we have it... another morning. Now... to a coffee, the loo, a smoke and... hope the truck starts, runs, gets me “there” and back here and what-ever else happens will have happened when the day becomes night again. At least it's another day behind... and we ought to be getting closer to the nights that don't freeze, and little Yonah can go back to her flock... with-out concerns (on either part... her or me) about freezing nights. THAT'S ALL I WANT FROM THIS FUCKING WORLD... HER SAFETY AND COMFORT! How about it, “God”? Eh? How the bloody-fuck about it? Oh, ye “controller” of all things. (BOLLOCKS!) - 8.37 This morning's passing quickly... AND JUST went to the “budget” for April (a 5-weeker)... AND sent in the NYSEG reading which will give me a bill of about 160!!! NOT, mind, that it's unusually high or anything, BUT... truck insurance comes due on 2 May which means it has to come out of April's income. IF there's NO... so-called “Stimulus” in the mean-while (the 1400 “promised” but is being dragged to its death... of course), it's going to be a 5-weeks of “existing” on 9,42/week. Ah... oh well... and alas. It ain't like it's never been done before and it ain't as if I haven't managed on absolute NOTHING in my life-time. AND... it isn't permanent or “long-term”. (But moving any time too soon doesn't look promising... not that there's any place attractive to move TO at this juncture; in fact, the “Availables” listing is quite heavy with “Wanteds”. Looks like a LOT of folks are desperate to leave where they are. I wonder.) MEAN-THE-FUCKING-WHILE, THE BLOODY FURNACE IS RUNNING AGAIN... AND IT'S SET AT ONLY 65F! (The “F” for “FUCK!!!”) And THAT means OIL... and THAT means... COLD to come. Oh well... there's the little radiators... and another SOARING ELECTRIC BILL TO COME. AND... mean-while, a lettre received on the 5th was just opened this morning... the abattoir has turned the bill over to collections. NOT, mind, that I give a shit. Well, whether or not I decide to address the matter is to be seen. The agency rings via 40517 at 9.00. Good for them. Ring-on! I ain't takin' no calls. - And so... the morning rolls along... rolls along... Oddly though, since I've had morning coffee, I DO feel a touch better than I did when I first woke. It seems that that's the “rule” every day now. I wonder what the coffee has... it can't be the naproxen because the effect is too soon after taking that. What-ever... It works well enough. So... on we go... we go... we go. - The mourning doves out-side have been vociferous this morning. Poor Yonah! Her flock is calling! And the group was here this morning when I mistakenly went to read the electric meter. I HOPE they come back to eat more! - On with the day... Eh? Fuck. - 16.35 Awkward time... I put franks on the hob and they've already burst. Oh well... veggies added... I'll eat it anyway, of course. - And now? Well! Left at about 13.30... and by the moment... Two packs of smokes, another sheer panel, TWO bottles of my FAVE Lysol, “Adirondack” (imagine that), 4 rolls of what's labelled as “Mega Home Line” loo roll! THEN... on to Aubuchon's for... another large bag of “flock food” and a new “O'Keefe's” (which I wouldn't have taken had I known it was almost TEN-BLOODY-DOLLARS! FUCK! But...). THEN... to the market for Yonah's broccoli and we're trying a red pepper (no interest in it thus far and it was chopped and served shortly after my return at about 14.30, oh well... try and learn... I'll try it with the flocks and if nothing there... some-thing will be done with it... even if “compost”). Franks (for tonight's meal), yoghurt, chocolate pudding for the pie-shell (I walked out of here with about 218 on the FS!), more veggies... I MADE IT! MADE THE FUCKING TRIP! - And since I'm back, there's a first coat of black on the PO BRACKET! (I “misted” the front porch slightly but...) AND... the PO window is now DOUBLE-SHEER PANELLED!!! DELIGHTFUL! Good timing too... The sun is shining in through BOTH windows now because the curtains are open (except, of course, the sheers) *** AND... BOTH DOORS ARE WIDE OPEN!!! AIR! AIR! AIR IN THE HOUSE!!! AT LAST! AT LONG, LONG LAST! (I need to wash the curtains though but... I'm not even going to give that all too much thought. Let's see how much longer I'll be in this place. Besides, my fingers are so cracked, lavage is NOT in my best interest.) - Now, at 16.44, “Schlager” is playing (on the ATT phone), the house is “settled” again... I mean... really settled... nothing “needs” to be done. Next... meal and then... another day is done. But the best bit is having the doors and curtains open. AT LAST! AND... Penny, at FamDoll asked how I'm doing and said that she thinks of me “quite often”. I DO wonder why. I was, at first, rude to her when we worked together. People... strange. And she said that she heard “60F” tomorrow and sunny. I can ONLY HOPE... It would be nice... another airing of this old box. AND another coat of black on the bracket? - Anyway... time to get prepped for meal... and then... OH HOW I'D LIKE A MARTINI OR V-TON... One of these days... one of these days... and then... it'll be “buy the bottle”... never mind the glass... and “Buh-bye I don't care”. - 21.42 Meal was ... Chocolate pudding pie with a touch of ice cream after. - Little Yonah's been “nighty-night” from since about 18.30 and in spite of the “bang-thump-Shitboi show” that went on for about 2 hours, she's been quiet... MY LOVE! - Passed the time with “Mock The Week” and now... off to bed. -The PO bracket needs another coat of paint, to be sure. Maybe tomorrow. - And... the curtains are closed, the thermostat is back up to 65F and has finally stopped for the night (I hope). Yonah has her radiator. - Oh... those 1400 payments are due to be sent at month's end... they're saying the 29th. We shall see (probably not... those fucking thieves will definitely come up with ANOTHER excuse but... I could pay insurance, the electric... never mind). - Off to bed.
Thu.11.Mar: 8.01 What have I been doing as the time has passed this morning? I woke, of my own, at 6.40, wondering why and how I managed to sleep through 2 alarms... I'd turned the “alarm phone” off and never turned it back on. There. The “reason”. And no sooner had my eyes opened, came “the call” from the next room. I HAD to get UP! And so I did. Up, kettle on, skip to the loo. “Curtain call”. Well, we've made it through another night, Yonah and I. It truly IS such a delight to start a day with her and her little “OO!” as I walk into her room. A little “LIFE”... a heart, a little mind that prompts her to acknowledge me, my presence, my existence. She is, quite literally, my “heart and soul”. Well, coffee moved on to getting dressed which lead to serving breakfast on the back walk. There were 2 mourning doves there, no more, when I'd looked out. But of course, I open the door and away they go... and it appears they haven't returned, now that there's food for them. It's becoming a “strange” sort of morning. Coffee. Open the living-room curtains (now that the sheers are doubled, blocking “peering, prying eyes”). Back to the loo for “morning do” (as it were) with browsing the weather forecast (single and double digits, up to 15° today... then, by Sunday... back to double digits of the “minus” genre... “It ain't over yet”), some e-mails and... here we are. - “Strange” sort of morning... the sky is blue o'er the valley beyond the mountains. There's a breeze blowing and in spite of the clouds moving toward the East, they just REFUSE to allow clearing skies and sun-shine here, in THIS valley. The flocks haven't come back for breakfast out back. Yonah is having a rather “quiet” morning of it. How I SO WISH this cold weather would pass and she could be back in her “natural element” with-out ANY chance, even remote, of having to fend against “sub-freeze”! It may, perhaps, be selfish of me, because my heart would shatter with thoughts of her alone, perched some-where in the dark, feathers fluffed against bitter cold... even simply succumbing to it. To think that she recovered from her injuries, managed to eat well in warmth through the most miserable of nights, only to, at a “last moment”, perish. No, I just couldn't. I've read that their “life expectancy” is 1,5years in the wild. She'll have been here for 5 months, come Saturday morning. There's the 6 months of protection which would/should give her 2 years. And I suspect she's young enough to get out there, find a guy, settle-down, if she wants, she can marry (look at me, I am old, am I “happy”?). I need to be patient. She's safe in here, protected from the elements of Nature... including predators... natural and human. Theresa and Gina both tell of how wonderful it has been that I've protected her so. But then, they're just “people” too. I give little credibility to “people”, little-to-no faith and trust in them. But, my heart, my heart urges me to continue. After all... I'm “here” because Yonah is “here”. When she leaves “here”, I can then let my own existence take its course. She will leave to her flock... I will... leave. - Meanwhile, the house is calm and another day commences. I've got the bracket to paint again, want to figure a way to hook the sign on it, put another coat of clear on that as well... if not 2. There isn't much else (other than, perhaps, posting this lap-top record to the server-site Journals). - I still get these “up-date e-mails” from some “Xtian Mahai”, who's full name I don't use because once posted to the site, will become “searchable” and I'd rather not. I remember in his “earlier WP” days, he posted a request for “funding” because of terrible dental. It actually resembled my current state of affairs. Apparently, he managed to collect THOUSANDS... and today, I see, he has many “followings” all through the Internet! Presence here, there and else-where. A 31-year old Romanian who simply posts his personal philosophies and makes little “sites” based on “WP”. And me? Well, even just yesterday I finally took-down the “GFM” for the truck repairs where I'd asked for help of 2k and managed 2c and even that, just barely. And as an aside, “notifications” from “FB”, an account I won't use and can barely access, about “posts” from Dorothy (who can't be bothered with me any longer... after all the “love you/miss you/missed you” bull-shit...and her sister with the same lines, songs and dances). Admittedly, I'm growing increasingly less tolerant of people and bull-shit and self-serving and withdrawing from the world. I keep thinking of how nice it would be to have that little “cabin” in the midst of nothing and now-where, surrounded by the forest, tucked-away off the “popular trails”... let existence, the world, this “Creation” take course and NOT be bollocksed and arsed by bull-shit and fuckerie. Oh well. As it is, the new daily routine is the old familiar: find a place and MOVE AWAY. (Were it not for the fact that it's another obviously converted old “general store” format, in another old building that appears to have “pitched floors”, there's a place in Redford... even less-populated than New Russia, that catches my attention. But, as with here, there's potential...and I don't have the interest in “potential”. So? Here I am until I'm not. - OK. So much for the morning “Whine”. It's supposed to be warmer today... not much sun-shine but we shall see. All too soon, the postal qunts (the lot of them) will be banging about for their 2-3 hours so... - I've washed another pair of Y-fronts... this “MegaC” regiment is causing “leaks from the rear”. Annoying! But... as mother used to say... “This too, shall pass”... along with yesterday's nourishment by-products. In the end... in all manner of speaking... everything becomes the very same... SHIT! - And away we go. - 16.55 THE SIGN AND THE BRACKET ARE FINISHED!!! ANOTHER PROJECT... COMPLETE! I only need to figure out how to attach the sign to the bracket and the bracket to the post and ... then it'll probably be time to “re-locate”. WHAT-the-fuck-EVUH! I wanted to do it and it's done. Perfect? Not even hardly. “Passable”? Indeed. Do I care? NNnnnnnope. But IT'S DONE! SO! That means, the half-sheers and double sheers on the living-room windows are done. All “projects” except the cover for the front porch light are complete. And tomorrow, I'll take some old “curtains” from 5199 and turn them into “tie-backs”. Just washed them and they're on the rack. - Meanwhile, the house got more “fresh air” today with open doors. - And now to sit to meal... and wait for the evening ***BANGING THUMPING THWACKING BOOMING *** to commence. - Another day comes to a close. - 21.36 Well... meal went... the chocolate pudding pie is gone because I finished it with tonight's pills. And I've been passing the time with various videos waiting for the pills to “settle”. - The house is back to where it ought to be... Yonah's room is back to where IT ought to be... no more “projects”. The furnace is kicking... we're due for a -2 tonight. Oh well... There's a wind out-side bringing the “change”. - I heard, in passing, that “some of” us “should expect to see the direct deposit” in our accounts as soon as this week-end. THAT would be delightful... All I need to do is decide WHO will get paid (and who won't). I need lumber for Yonah's stand come the warmer weather. And I've been thinking “guitar” again. The closest shop is in Saranac Lake... (and looking at it on the Ggl, it's quite pretty up there so... 35mi. up... look about... ponder a rental... what-ever...). I might just put 100 into a savings at Community and snatch the rest in cash-at-hand... at least for a while. If I put it in chequing, it gets nothing. If I put it into savings it gets... nothing. So I may as well “save at home”. Pay some bills and “mattress” the rest. Well... I'm jumping the what-have-you because, it hasn't arrived (and there's really no guarantee it ever will... considering this government). - And so, that's that. Time to brush the teeth and off to bed as SHITBOI BANGS ABOUT NEXT-DOOR AGAIN. STARTED AT 18.11... FOR ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO. THEN AGAIN JUST AS I STARTED TYPING. FUCKTARD! - Here's hoping the in-breed-wet-baby manages to find a corner for the night and doesn't disturb Yonah. (I'm so damned twisted-livid right now! Not because of ME... but Yonah shouldn't have to be subjected to UN-NECESSARY banging about through the night. Oh well... I'll hold until she's back with the flock and keep looking for something DETATCHED and, should I find... well? A little place in the Adirondacks... I'll just think of this place as the “stepping-stone to better places, times and such” and... just pack and go. Fukkemall!) Nigh-night time.
Fri.12.Mar: 9.05 It was a *VIOLENT* night, last night! two dreams, both ANGRY! The first had to do with “father”! What troubles me most about that one is that “it” still infiltrates my sleep, is still buried so deeply in the unconscious and still with so much bitterness. I don't know how or where the dream began, but what I recall is being in bed, trying to avoid him, angry about some-thing that had transpired. I was in “my” room in “my” home. It was, of course, dark... night or the sort. I knew he was coming but made no attempt at receiving him or being “civil”. I wanted him to be embarrassed, to feel some sort of “guilt”, though, as always, I knew he'd feel neither. As I laid in the bed, I heard him come into the house and just as he came to the door of my room, I began what's become the “usual HOWLING”... from the gut, but stifled, as it usually is in such dreams/night-mares. I repeated nothing but the howl, as if in absolute terror of him! Over and over again! He feigned some sort of “compassion” & not knowing what had been wrong, “appearing” to be “hurt” by my fear and howling at him. One of his “softer, kinder” tones, he said “What's wrong?” and “It's OK.” and “There's no need for this.” The more he spoke, as he slowly approached the bed, I howled louder and deeper until, at one point, I literally woke my-self up!!! I'm still not sure if I was actually howling aloud but I have to believe that the last one WAS aloud... and I've no idea how many, if any, of the previous were audible. I woke, briefly, realised that it was a horrific dream, went to the loo and right back to bed... and to sleep... - The second dream had to do with a job, some-where similar to, of all places, “Crit”! The office was located on some small, quite remote “island”, off-shore, as it were, in a small shack. I don't know the particulars of the company or what it manufactured, but I held a rather good position and was the most recent on staff at the location. I'd been “called in” to the “HR” office and thought it was because of some sort of “charge” against another fellow, employee, who'd been giving be a tough time of it all for a while. The HR fellow came in, closed the door behind him, and we sat at a desk, and “old” metal sort of affair, and we chatted about the business, the location, the company, his job, my job, that sort of venue. It was all congenial and some-what jovial. He started then, to get into “policies”, rules, &c. about employee behaviours toward one-another, all the while, smiling, almost condescendingly. There were papers that needed to be signed, as would be with a sort of “in-service talk/presentation”. I thought they were simple acknowledgements that I'd received the information but suddenly realised that it was ME who was being “charged” with some sort of horrific offence, not the other person! I was LIVID! I burst into a mad diatribe about being the recipient of the inappropriate assaults (verbal) and NOT, at all, surprised, that it was all being turned against ME! There was mention of the matter being passed on to “corporate in Hong Kong” (? Hong Kong ?) and I spewed some sort of “regulations” about the matter needing to be settled AT the office because of our location... removed from the “main-land” and being “autonomous” in this instance BUT that I WOULD pursue the issue to the fullest possible extent and fight it AND ALL of those involved with it! I YELLED... again... from the gut... not getting out of my chair, at close-face range of the guy on the other side of the desk! “Howled” my words, as if they'd cause physical injury. The lying, deceit, injustice was literally, absolutely intolerable and I was NOT going to let it simply ride along as just more protocol. I WAS NOT THE INSTIGATOR AND WAS NOT GOING TO BE PORTRAYED AND DOCUMENTED AS SUCH! And, in the midst of all the ranting... the alarm sounded and woke me from it.
I woke, not particularly out of breath or exhausted from it all. Just “woke”, turned the alarm off and went back to dozing, giving neither dream much thought. The next alarm sounded. Again, I turned it off and dozed until about 7.00 when I woke again, looked at the clock and realised I needed to open Yonah's curtains! So I got up, put the kettle on, opened her curtains, gathered the red flannel shirt and the heavier dark shirt I'd worn for several weeks and have been meaning to launder. As coffee was being made, the shirts went into the basin to soak... and the morning just kept moving along as it would. - Now, at 9.32, the temperature is 5°/-1°. The sun is shining nicely. The living-room curtains are open. Breakfast on the back walk has been served. I've put more trash into the bin out back and the shirts are on the rack on the back gallery. - Oh... last night... THE WIND POUNDED the house again. Indeed... another change of weather to come.-
*** NOTING HERE, THIS MORNING.... AS I SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, TYPING, THERE WAS REPEATING BANGING FROM OUT-SIDE... I SAW BECKY DROPPING TUBS OF MAIL OVER THE PORCH RAIL OUT THERE!!! SHE'S PARKED DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN AND NOW DROPPING TUBS OF MAIL ON THE PORCH!!! Oh... it'll be a delight to get the fuck away from this shit-box. (I only hope Yonah will re-establish with her flock, perfectly... as soon as the weather changes for the better.) AH... THE “VIOLENCE” OF LAST NIGHT'S DREAMS! “Premonitory”? Perhaps.
Another day... another fucking day... And into today's garbage went many yoghurt containers. This should be the time to start seeds for the veggie garden... I'm going to get some cheap grass seed, pull the “boards” and turn that “kitchen garden” back to lawn. I've NO interest in getting into any “gardening” here any more. I'll keep the front of the house orderly, but as for the rest? Fukkit! As for the repairs to the cellar shed? Fukdat! Lawn-mower? Not even hardly. I'll mow but I'll be DAMNED if I'll invest in the mower! These shit-bags can rot around me now. - And so... let's check the “flats available” and get on with what-ever passes the time today. (I need to think of some-thing for meal too... “Pizza”? I don't know... what-ever.) - 13.09 Well... the “Winter décor” is DOWN! Wreath, the left-over dead mums, the hemlock... ALL GONE! In the “compost”. Porch is swept quite clean. And What's-she-name, “Deb” or “Marm Aalde”, whom-what-ever came to fetch her post, with mask on, of course (she's one of those who drives, alone, with it on), pops out of the car and says “Do you think it's Spring already?” I replied “I'm tired and fed-up with it.” “Have a nice day...” says she, and away. I'm really just no longer in a state or frame of mind to be “presentable” here. Tired and fed-up with the discourtesy, the disrespect... I can't even think of it as “inconsideration” because I'm sure they “consider” the banging, screeching, thumping, pounding, parking, &c. So it MUST be intentional and though I could and maybe should just fight against it, I'd rather move along... again. (Fucking tired of that, as I am.) So, the “plant boxes” stay... empty. Nothing on the “wreath hook”. The brackets for the hummie-feeders are still there and will remain... in the event I'm here for the season again. But... no more making efforts. What will be of interest is the lawn... I'm NOT spending on a mower, to be sure, and the one in the garage is worthless. So? So... there it is, here we are, here I am so it be. That's that. - Mean-while, Yonah's pool got cleaned this morning, fresh food and sun-shine! I'm just in from working out there and she's just had a nosh. (I had oatmeal before taking-on the de-decorating.) - Now? I THINK I'll make “tie-backs” for the curtains in the living-room and Yonah's room... if not both, then for Yonah. (The rest of this place can go to Hell... as I'm sure it's done before. Hey... New Russia can return to a single, un-wed 18-year old mother of 7, none of whom share the same patrilineage, and her ex-con, recently-paroled, drug-running, domestically violent boy-of-the-moment... also known as “normal”. And Alden can return to wondering about receiving rent at all, let alone, on time, NEVER mind... early. Yes, New Russia can return to its “halcyon” days. - 16.41 Pizza is in the oven (“meal”). I've managed to press the wrinkles out of the fabric that I'd torn to make “curtains” at 5199 (which were washed and bleached, of course) and cut them into strips to stitch together some tie-backs. When that will happen is today's “mystery”. THEN, got the Hoover out and had-at-it on the floors. NEXT... THE HOUSE HAS BEEN SMUDGED! AT LONG LAST! Not only have I wanted to for a while, but didn't because of Yonah, I felt “compelled” to do so today. Last night's violent dreams have a LOT to do with it. It was a “light” smudge, but the house IS “warm” with the fragrance of sage right now so... - The sun is beginning to set and the WIND is ripping down the main from the North! The “change” IS a-comin', to be sure. Our “warm spell” has ended and there's talk of “snow” again, at some point tonight. DAMNIT! JUST DAMNIT! My heart wants Yonah back HOME with her FLOCK! And my health doesn't ease any of my anxieties. Oh... there's nothing I can do about it. - Speaking of Yonah, my “idea” for what used to be the “kitchen garden”: deer fencing and I'll just sow wild bird seed over it! The fencing will give the birds a relatively safe place to eat (since I heard Wombat again, earlier) AND... what-ever grows in there will provide MORE for them to eat... not to mention the possibility of sunflowers? And the other seeds in there are “flowering”, so I can always pass it off as a “wild flower garden”... perhaps. Veggies? Nope. Not this year, Josephine. I'm just, admittedly, too damned angry with this whole place. - I had the thought, as I ironed: there just might be a kind, nice, quiet, calm, clean, civil new neighbour to come. “Might”. Highly doubtful, but “might”. This place COULD be a wonderful little bungalow in the mountains. BUT... I'm not going to stop looking else-where. And NOT going to rule-out the possibility of a lonely little cabin... either closer to the border (for all the good it does these days... I've NO doubt there's going to be some sort of “Covid Passport” required to cross and those of us who haven't taken this “vaccine” will be prohibited from leaving the country... if not the state, county, village... our homes... fucking Communists) or deeper into the mountains (Saranac Lake, Elba, that sort). Anyway... right now it's “meal on the mind” and hopefully, a nice hot shower before bed. - Yonah is coo'ing in there right now. I often wonder if she doesn't enjoy my company whilst I'm in there. - But, the day is closing, the night is coming. Radiator on. Thankfully, not the furnace. It isn't “cold”... yet. And hopefully the wind doesn't take out power during the night. Oh... this “rural life”. Luvin' it. If only it were more “rural” and more civil. - On that note: Shitboi is in... rolled in about 30 minutes ago, down the drive, BOOM BOOM BOOM with the car stereo. BaBOOM with the front door. It's been all too quiet since. No doubt, the shit will hit the fan come round 21.00 tonight... A-FUCKING-GAIN. - 18.17 Meal is done. Washing-up is done. The house is in order. Yonah is “tucked-in” for the night. And there's a light rain falling (as the temperature falls as well). The house is quiet. Hot water at hand. And me? I'm feeling SO fatigued! I THOUGHT I might start some of the tie-backs but I'm REALLY TIRED! Hopefully, I'll be this tired when it's time to go to bed! AND... hopefully, there'll be no reason why I CAN'T go to sleep through the night... AND at a “reasonable” hour! - Strange to step out onto a front porch with nothing in the little boxes, nothing on the front wall. No “decorations”. But, my heart, soul and gut just aren't into any of it. - I've set the thermostat for 70F for a while. The lights dimmed a couple of times earlier, so I'm warming the place up now... for a while, at least. Give it a “warmth” to begin with and maybe, if the electric goes (which would come as no surprise at all) the place won't get too cold too quickly. - Other-wise, I think I'm going to snooze. I probably shouldn't but, at one point, as I was eating, my brain actually went to sleep... with a mouth-full of pizza. I haven't done THAT in... well, the last time I recall vividly was standing on the subway at rush-hour! (I'm sure I did it many times whilst in VT too but I was probably so wasted with fatigue that I can't even recall it.) Anyway... a snooze (with a full stomach... not good but less draining). - Only “PRAYER”: NO FUCKING BANGING TONIGHT! KRISTE! I'M SICK (literally) OF THAT ANXIETY AGAIN! - 22.20 Well, the rains passed. Clear skies. Temperatures plummeting. The electric stayed on. The furnace is running. And I'm seriously not going to bother with the shower. Fukkit. I'm tired and it's time for bed. - THANKFULLY YONAH HAS BEEN QUIET ALL EVENING BECAUSE.... NO BULL-SHIT FROM NEXT DOOR!
Sat.13.Mar: YONAH AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 5 MONTHS TODAY
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Sun.14.Mar: 8.05 but I've been “awake” from since 5.00 (which is actually 4.00 and this is actually 7.05 but let's never mind all that). AND THE BLOODY FURNACE IS RUNNING... AGAIN! And... OmG... tomorrow... TOMORROW... it just struck me... 1986! AND... the trip to the Millbrook Ridge... Tomorrow... 35 years ago, Allerton Ave., and, well... Imagine... only 35 years ago, but more often, it feels much longer, and yet, I can still recall Jacoby and Meyers, and explaining, and paying $210, and waiting and then receiving the envelope (which I still have, today... one of the VERY few items left from...). Anyway and so... I'm up, dressed, coffee at hand, -5/-6° and breaks of sun on “Greene”, flocons else-where. And this morning, “avertissement de refroidissement éolien” for tomorrow and “chills” of... -25° again! And it's been a “difficult” morning, this. I did not want to get up and out of bed, though I'm not tired. And I do not want to be out of bed, though I'm not “tired”... just “floating about” again, this morning. I DID manage to get to lights-out by what would have been 23.00 but was actually about 22.00 or there-abouts. I woke, this morning, of my own, and then the little alarm sounded for the 7.00 alarm but, I'd changed the time on the old ATT and IT changed too! SO... instead of being ONE hour ahead, it was TWO. Caused me all sorts of confusion. All clocks are where they ought to be now, so I suppose that's fine. And Yonah is up, radio on, fountain in the pool is running and she, of course, gave the call at what would have been 6.30 and so... the day commences and I've NO plans for ANY “agenda” except sewing more tie-backs at some point. But right now, I'm just hoping that the “light-headedness” passes... SOON. Other than that... that's that for that and this. Indeed... another day... commences. (I have to decide what I'll cook for meal this evening and... No plans to head to market today though... no “plans”. We'll see how it turns out.) Oh, and there's 15 pages of “lap-top journal” to attend. Images too. So we shall... see what it all has been when it's been. For now? Loo and... - 21.04 Well? And... A truly WONDERFUL day spent with Yonah, in her room, listening to French music and keeping each-other company. I got the tie-backs pressed and pinned and there are 4 of them stitched and ready to use when I figure how to put hooks and such in them. Believe it or not, it took ALL day. - Snows fell and stopped. There were moments of sun-shine and Yonah soaked them all in. Bless her. And she flitted about from time to time as well. But together, there we were, through the day. At around noon, I had toast and “pills” and went back to sit with Yonah and continue the work until I got the 4 tie-backs done. Changed the water in her pool. Tomorrow, I'll get to the house-keeping. And today, I used the last of the first bag of the “Healthy” food. There's another whole bag... thankfully I got that for her on time. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to any time after she's back with her flock. - Next... it was time for “meal”. Seems it came along quickly. Time with Yonah does that... pass too quickly. So pasta and veggies, ice cream after. - At about 19.30, which would have been 18.30, I closed the curtains, put up the “block” (card-board) and Yonah's been quiet all evening. - I moved the lap-top to the living-room thinking I might get comfy on the futon and watched George Orwell “1984”, an old movie I down-loaded a while back. Most disturbing. Too similar to current times. But then again... it's been coming all along as I think on it. Reminds me of “Animal Farm”... and “Brave New World”. We HAD to read those, back in school. I hated them, especially “Brave New World”. I couldn't stomach it all then... I can't stomach it today either. This world's gone to shit. Good time to be old. - Got an e-mail... the Skype number annual payment comes due on the 13th of next month. I'd forgotten about that. So, adjusting with a budget, the account goes down to about 26 for the rest of the month. Thankfully, I can “manipulate” for a while. April will be VERY difficult... insurance, phone... and I don't know how much longer the oil will hold out... especially with -25° expected tomorrow night. Oh well... Times have been worse. The radiators are here and I can always move the bed into Yonah's room for a while. We can bunk together. I believe she actually enjoys the company anyway. - OF NOTE: Round about 20.30, there was LOUD car stereo out front... followed by the usual BOOM of the arrival of Shitboi. It's really driving me to anger at this point. I did remind Alden that he wanted to make sure the I was of an appropriate age, mentioned that it's almost a “retirement village” here. He said, with sarcasm, I'm supposing, something about advertising next door for somebody in their 80s. Personally, I believe it's all bull-shit. I resent that I had to “pass inspection” with Joan but the same courtesy won't be extended to me. And this bull-shit about “Sex can be noisy” when next door was mentioned... and “You have a nice apartment”. Well... it's as I've been thinking: New Russia can go back to what they're accustomed to: Single mother of 7 disparate children and a paroled ex-con boyfriend who beats the shit out of her and deals drug out of the living-room. It won't be a long time for me, no matter what. My worst time will be being with-out the companionship of Yonah... and never knowing how or where she is, ever again. Ah... Nakkia, Noel, Mimou... Dixie, Hallie... Not long. - It's 21.25, time to get ready for bed. - I wish my stomach and the rest would settle back to where they should be. I keep having to shit and though precious little comes, it's messy and I seem to have the stench of it in my nose. It's annoying. And I'm terribly bloated. It's the vit.C, I should think. Oh well... And my right nostril is dry and a touch swollen and sore. I've had similar before... not sure what it is but I hope it goes away soon. Interesting that anything should be able to be “wrong” in this body... with all the vit.C in it. - Oh well... it's time to wrap this day up. Shitboi's back. Hopefully it'll behave similar to human... civil human. And the furnace is running so the place is warm. Last smoke. Teeth brushing and off to reading. How horrific: “1984” followed by a “Holocaust Reader”. It's a wonder I don't just snap and spiral into a mad depression. (I remember telling Joe: I look forward to going insane, it'll be a relief. His reply: We're too much in control and too much aware to simply let go... it'd be HELL because no matter what, we'd fight it.)
Mon.15.IDES.Mar:
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1986: Allerton... 2007: Millbrook Ridge
I suppose the bitterness of the cold is “appropriate” for the day... What will be thrown about for the rest of it is to be seen. (7.29 A quick diversion... to look-up Millbrook Ridge, a reference to 2007 and getting lost in an aerial of Cragsmoor... where they've moved the PO up to the house behind and there's no telling what they turned the old PO into... anyway...) Here we are, another day. Last night, lights went out by 23.00 and happily, no dreams or disruptions through the night. I woke, just before first alarm, dozed until second and when I heard the furnace running, and had to pee, I thought it an OK time to get up. Once up... that was the end... It was, of course, still darkish, but... the morning took a roll and here we are. Checked the weather, confirmed the cold and just kept moving along and so... here it is and here I am and here we are and... what's to be will be when it stops being. - I should go to FamDoll. I ought to go to market. I REALLY should start the truck and give it a roll. I'd like, very much, to go back to bed. There are 7 more tie-backs to be sewn... time with Yonah today. So we'll focus on that and let the rest attend to itself. - I feel “OK” this morning. MUCH better after coffee. I wake feeling rather fine, moments later, daggers to the chest until coffee and then.. but I'm mobile... and that's all there is to be said. - And I MUST get these 16 pages to servers! - 10.52 THIS morning is being pissed-away... I'm only JUST getting done with creating the html for today's up-date to the servers, including images, after having taken a snooze of about 45 minutes, waiting for the “GET-THE-FUCK-UP-THE-POST-OFFICE-IS-FUCKING-OPEN!!!” bang. Well, the office is open, but it happened rather quietly. The new “Madame” was dropped-off... no car in the lot but the flag is up. I don't know about it, I don't care about it, I hope it doesn't manage to ooze into this, MY place of residence! - Meanwhile, the sun is shining, brilliantly, into Yonah's room where she's basking, but the temperature is CRISP... and this house will NOT hold the warmth, as the furnace tries (to burn what little oil is in the tank). Either that or I'm just a touch fatigued and feeling the chill this morning. Anyway... when “Madame” leaves, I'll check the post, have a smoke and get me to town for more smokes and... I can't decide what I want for meal tonight. Oh well... it will happen... something or another. - Still got 1986 and 2007 on the mind. Especially 2007... when, in Vassar, that wretched slut had the audacity to feign such “caring and concern” and to say, to my face “I don't want to take the responsibility!”... FOR FUCKING WHAT? DRIVING ME TO THE BLOODY-FUCKING STATION? I HAD THE FUCKING TICKET! I WAS GOING BACK TO THE FUCKING HELL (Margot)!!! A-FUCKING-LONE! QUNT! Yeah... I'm SO GNAWED-AWAY WITH BITTERNESS IT'S ALMOST WORTHY OF PATHETIC... BUT... I'LL DIE, WRAPPED IN THIS SHROUD OF BITTERNESS, AND TAKE IT WITH ME... INTO “ETERNITY” (as if there truly is any such thing...) - Oh... last night, as I was reading “Whirlwind”, I've reached the “Post War” excerpts which are discussing “God” which causes me to think: “God” isn't a thing, being, entity, &c.... “God” is a “That-Which”... That-which caused situation and circumstance to form the bit of our existence that we can speculate upon; That-which caused the evolution of what-ever it is we're aware of; That-which has caused us to know what is necessary for our survival (good v. evil); That-which causes what-ever is around us to be as it is and/or to change and/or remain the same... “God” is a “That-which causes”... And that's my philosophy du matin. - Now back to what it is that I need to do to give me some peace of mind... GET THIS ONTO THE SERVERS! - 11.28 FINALLY... SERVERS DONE! AND... I stepped-out to fetch the no-post a moment ago... in the BITTER COLD... AND... as I was coming back into the house... the little “another fat little in-breed” was just leaving the pee-oh. I said “Hello.” It didn't reply. “I though every-body had left.” said I. “Nope.” said the little in-breed. And then it got into a waiting car and away it went. Oh... I'm SURE the “talk” about the “shit next door” has been as dark, the bull-shit as deep as it could be. And... I don't give a jolly-fuck-all. - Now... I need to get the rest of my “agenda du jour” together. A trip into town and working in the company of YONAH! - The “Ides” roll on. -
21.02 THE FUCKING HOUSE IS TREMBLING!!! THE BULL-SHIT STARTED AT 20.35 WITH THE USUAL RUMBLING THAT SOUNDS LIKE FURNITURE MOVING AND THEN, AT 20.57... THE FLOORS STARTED TREMBLING! I'VE BEEN KEEPING A LIST AND TOMORROW I'LL START THE LETTER OF COMPLAINT TO ALDEN. NO DOUBT, JOAN LET HIM KNOW OF THE ATROCITIES SHE MENTIONED. I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULD KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. ONCE YONAH IS BACK WITH HER FLOCK, I'VE NOTHING KEEPING ME HERE SO... ENOUGH!
OK... THAT said and out and off my chest... TODAY... Headed out at about 13.00 and stopped at FamDoll (shouldn't have but did). Bubba and Casey were on and when I walked in, Bubba ASKED ABOUT YONAH! He remembered our chat when we saw each-other in Plattsburgh! Bad news though: BOTH canaries he bought there... died!!! How heart-breaking! Well... we chatted a bit about birds, and a little of the “politics” of masks and the governor and I headed to market for a few items, basically to make the trip worth the time and such. The truck NEEDED the run today. It trembled all the way into
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And all the while I was working, I had a “stew” on the hob! Beef, rice, veggies, the last 2 potatoes. And the last of the sand is being “cleaned” tonight. It's lasted perfectly... because I put fresh in as well, today. Anyway, I finished “work” by 17.00 and sat to eat. As I say, after, I went in to “chat” some more with Yonah and... by 19.00, the curtains were closed and she was set for the night. (Poor thing... only to put up with bull-shit from Shitboi after getting settled-in... THIS MONTH IS HELL!) - And so... there were photos of the “new additions to the house-hold” and THEY'RE ALL on YONA'S PHOTO PAGE ON THE SERVER NOW... I've just finished before getting to this. Yes, LATE... MUCH LATER than I'd hoped to have finished this day, but SO worth the effort. (I'll have to get them onto this page as well... on the “site Journal”. It looks so rather nice.) - Just checked this evening: there's a very nice place, 2 bed-room, in Chazy, listed. 700/month though, plus, of course, the utilities. It would be a tad “tight” but... Available 7 April. Right now, I'm paid through April. But truly, the ONLY thing that keeps me from simply jumping right now is... I will NOT move Yonah to a strange place! I will NOT! So I have a LOT of thinking about my tolerance and patience and such. It's another 15 days (which is only 2 weeks) and if I were to take it now, it would cost the entire “covid” income that's supposed to be due by the 17th of this month. If only I could just sit and have a drink (or 3) ... but I wouldn't do that any-way... I'm not at peace unless Yonah is at peace - OH... and I checked the oil... It's between the “half” and the “quarter”. NOT GOOD. NOT BAD, but NOT GOOD. And I don't know that there's any more “emergency” HEAP to be had at this point. Especially considering bloody regular gas at Stewart's is up to $3.04/gallon now!!! THAT TOO, is going to be painful now. And if GAS is over $3/gallon... I've NO doubt that OIL is WELL ABOVE that! 100 gallons will be WELL OVER $300! So... for a while now, at night, the thermostat goes back down to 60F. Well? I lived that way ALL last Winter. At least there are the radiators (which will kill the electric bill and I'm SURE THAT TOO will be rising... what a FUCK). - So? There we have it. The 15th is almost gone... another one... It'll be nice when March is over... (It would be delightful if that shit-bag next door would just pack and get the fuck out.) Ah... March... what a fuck. - So now, I've had my “night pills”, the 3rd hot water at hand. I've had PopTarts but... I need to stay up for a while longer and so... I'm off to watch something or something to amuse/entertain for a bit. - The house has re-settled. I went for a smoke. Seems only one vehicle in the drive, ALL of the windows are “covered” including the kitchen door over there. I could have sworn I'd heard a “girl's” laughter earlier... but maybe it was Shitboi. What-ever. All I can do is HOPE it's settling-in for the night, though, the lights are all on. WHAT a fucking shame. - 24.03 TO BED, TO BED, AT LAST!
Tue.16.Mar: 8.17 I got to sleep-in until 7.30 before “the call” came. AND, I COULD have stayed in bed for some time longer, but, when “the call” cometh... the call cometh, and it did and here I am. And it's another chilly one, this morn. But it appears the sun will shine so that's good news. It's “hazy” this morning though. Before retiring, I checked the météo and it LOOKS as though we're about to hit double-digits with-in the fort-night! Singles at night, and a few “minuses” in the mix. But “double digits” at last! One can only hope. - Last night, I set the thermostat at 60F and woke to quite the chill in the house. Put it back up to 65F this morning and the furnace is, indeed, running. - The last of the sand is in the oven at 400F to sterilise, so there's a bit of warmth from that. And I'm in from morning smoke on the front porch, listening to a mourning dove some-where “out there”. And Yonah is up and about, all frisky, this morning. And so, I'm dressed, coffee at hand. - There's a bit of a “ping” or a “pang” in the centre chest this morning, hacking a bit of “stuff”, feeling “not quite here, not quite there” but it's one of the “better” days. - The whole “banging” bit at night still pisses me off. But it's a new day and I'll ponder how to address it... and looking into the place in Chazy. There's BOUND to be some-thing with-in the “Blue Line” coming. After all... I NEVER would have even thought of being in New Russia and well... here I've been. So? So... one of these days... Meanwhile, we'll see how this all plays out. Yeah? - In other news.. there are 7 more tie-backs to be stitched today and that's where we'll be. Time with Yonah! Now THAT'S a “BEAUTIFUL DAY”. - So let's just see what kind of fuckery will come along. (After all, the pee-oh isn't open yet... there's time to fuck things about to come.) - 8.27 I see -13/-18° at present, but an expected “high” of PLUS 2°! Sun., Mon., Tue., 13, 14, 15... yeah, sure. When it gets here and it's done, we shall see for certain. But it does look nice. - 11.27 WOW! I got caught-up with putting Yonah's photos into this and then, modifying the “Sitemap” for the on-line Journal and... well... the morning's GONE! And here I sit... at the kitchen table and it's time for “mid-day meds” (as they were) already! And EVEN tie-backs waiting to be stitched... Well... at least the idiot at the pee-oh is finally gone. Rolls in early.. rolls out late... and all I keep thinking about it being reprimanded for the same thing over in “the shit-hole”. Oh well... just more that I need to “shed”... and probably never will. Hey, at least the house isn't rumbling or rolling (until 20.30... fuck). On with... mid-days and YONAH! PRECIOUS! (First, a check of today's post... I dread it...) - 19.28 As usual, I could lie down and go to bed for the night but... there's the last of the pills and it really is too early and I've done with the stitching of the tie-backs, at long last. BUT... TIME SPENT WITH YONAH... ANOTHER DAY WITH YONAH. AND WE ENJOYED EACH-OTHER'S COMPANY SO VERY MUCH! I only just finished... had meal (left-over stew) and when washing-up was done, I went back in to finish the last 2 tie-backs... Had the light and music on. She actually dozes when I sing. (And I'm noticing my “singing voice” has CHANGED... I don't have the range, and there's a “rasp” to it. Old age and closer to dead, I suppose. I'm re-re-considering getting a guitar. If I lose the voice, there's no sense in having a guitar. Oh... just that much less to “leave behind”, I do suppose.) - 20.02 Potty break! Just remembered, I didn't take time at all, today, for one. And tonight I WILL shower before bed! - The fucking furnace is set at 64F and it's RUNNING. It's not THAT cold out tonight. But 2 days of “warm” coming... and then back to this shit. It'll never end! - And so, yes, now, second hot water and pills. Try to turn the tie-backs right-side out... PAIN IN THE SHITTER, THAT! Tomorrow, I'll put in/on hooks and they're done. Imagine... almost 2 years later. Well? (The “curtains” will have to be washed soon as well... IF I manage to live long enough?) - A little tele with water and such and then to the shower and to bed. Tomorrow... MAYBE a trip to the skip. There's a full bag... we shall see. - 22.05 Shower time! And just as Shitboi does a little “stomp stomp stomp”... gee... I hope it was(n't) the lap-top making too much noise. - Anyway... SHOWER time! - Thankfully, Yonah's been resting all evening. Bless her heart and soul. - Oh... The tie-backs are ready for the hooks tomorrow! Yep... turned them all right-side out... 11 of them: 8 for the living-room and 3 for Yonah's room. (Bed-room to follow... when my hands and fingers can sew again.)
Wed.17.Mar:
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I was in the E-town abattoir! Whether it was for me or accompanying somebody else isn't quite clear. But I was sitting in a waiting area and got chatting with other folks, some-how AND... I went into a diatribe about MY “visit” and was telling the “throngs” the particulars. There was mention of “covid” and a “clinic” where others had gone to get theirs. I said that I wouldn't take it, considering all the “risks” and “recalls” (which comes from the news I'd read during the day, yesterday... several European countries halting the “AstraZeneca” because of blood clots, complications and some deaths). That lead into why... including the “nodule” allegedly found in the abattoir. And I went into the actual particulars of THAT little horror, including the isolation in a room with closed door, hooked to monitors, the “butch gal” who came in and snapped “You have to put that mask on!” and through the x-ray, CT, being ignored, told to take “2” naproxen, blood work being fine, CT being fine and then being shoved off to a strange MD because of the “nodule” and then discharged with a Dx of “vertigo”. SO... that bull-shit is now in my unconscious... though it's not “UN” because it IS, very much, in my conscious since I'm typing about it even now. Bugs me because it's managed to infiltrate my dreams.
So, that's how this day commences. Anyway... I'm now up, dressed, in from a smoke on the front porch (because the flocks... and some mice and moles in the snow-pile, are having breakfast out back). It's just below freezing this morning, the hazy sun is on the rise. “Promises” of 8 or 9° during the day. And oddly, I was under the impression that today was Thursday, but I see that it isn't, so there won't be any trips to the skip today. No prob. I have no other reason to leave the house and on the agenda... finish the tie-backs... hooks and the likes. - As for “feeling”... “state of health”, a touch of “pain” in the chest this morning. A tad on the “sharp” side but nothing debilitating, mind. Just “uncomfortable”. A sneezing fit when I put the heat up. (The furnace is kicking for the second time as I type... set at 60F over-night, woke to a “chill” in the house but OK in Yonah's room, I re-set to 65F and I can feel the difference... I'll cut it back to 60F in short order.) Oh well. - Quick check of the 1st “covid payment” shows it came on the 29th April last year. I hope it's not that late this time round. It's reported that some got theirs on the week-end past, others are due on the 17th which is today but a check of the account confirms... nope, not for me. So I'll just “float the budget” a while longer. Can't control some things... no sense worrying about any of it. - And as for the day ahead? Tie-backs and what-ever else comes along. At least coffee's at hand and Yonah's having breakfast, radio on and curtains open. Another day... another day... another day... - 12.56 Nothing in today's post. Thankfully. And the tie-backs wait in Yonah's room whilst I try to figure the configuration of the hooks. Bread is on the first rise. The other bread is all gone. I've had mid-days. AND I ordered ore vit.C (couldn't really afford it, but I can't afford to not have it these days... and I hate that). - It's been an “off” sort of day, mentally. I just feel like I'm “slipping away” from so much. I don't know why or how to actually describe/explain it, but it's almost as if I'm consciously forgetting things, as if common thoughts are floating away. Not remembering so many lyrics of music yesterday might have something to do with it. But it DOES “FEEL” as if “I” and drifting away, floating on some sort of proverbial breeze... away... away... away. - Meanwhile, I plod along with what I DO/CAN think of and... where it goes is to be seen. (I wish I wasn't so firm on keeping with this vit.C regime. But Yonah is enjoying her sun-shine today, in spite of the coolness of the day and she looks SO great with the white pine in there with her. I made a vow, determination, dedication and I'm holding to it... no matter what.) - Oh... “St. Patrick's Day”. I forgot. Not that it's of any real importance. Oh well. - 16.51 the day? Started sewing the wires into the tie-backs and got tired so snoozed... half... for about 30 minutes. But, passed most of the after-noon with Yonah so... and now she's managed to almost finish her broccoli of today! She really likes that broccoli! - Shitboi came rolling in at about 16.00 and Hoovered... along with thumping about. I dread to think the cow will be here tonight... that's a guarantee of more bull-shit. - Just noticing the difference in my vision from glasses to none: half blind! I'm so fucked. - Anyway, it's chilly in the house and Yonah's radiator is on again. The furnace was on 60F and no radiator all day. Not too bad... not too comfy either. - And now... meal and then... what-ever. I'm just tired. - 21.28 And as the walls rumble and the floor trembles (FUCK!)... the street light at the corner is out again tonight. YAY! Damned shame it can't stay that way... at least until I get a place where there aren't any. - Out of curiosity, I checked the Journal (how WONDERFUL to have a JOURNAL), for 17 April back to 2014 to see what the weather was like, so I have some idea as to Yonah's “return”... Didn't help much. There were days when it was delightful, followed by fucking snow! AND, of course, days in May when there was snow. But I CAN'T keep her in here longer than 6 months. It's not fair to her! But, I CAN'T put her out not knowing if she has some-where to go to and some-one to be with. Sometimes I just hate this world. (I lie... it's MOST of the time and for MOST of my life-time.) - So I've had the vits., hot water and yoghurt. My bowels are gurgling, as is usual. - Had the furnace set at 65F for a while. It's just kicking. But I'll cut it back to 60 before bed. It was on 60 all day (I'd forgotten to turn it up this morning) and it didn't run during the day. Yonah's radiator is on “5” tonight because it did get a little “chilly” in there today, but she had the sun to bask in. - Her tie-backs for the sides are done and up and ready for tomorrow. I have to do the centre tie tomorrow (and the living-room ties...). - Considering a trip to the skip tomorrow after-noon as well, just to get rid of the trash (would be nice to pull Shitboi into a bin and....). - Well... the day comes to an end. I was ... WAS looking forward to getting into bed, reading a bit and getting an early night of it BUT NO... THE FUCKING WET-BABY HAS TO START THE BULL-SHIT! ONE OF THESE DAYS! (If Yonah wasn't here... I'd be SLAMMING about this place in ways most similar to the Rockaway Park nights... maybe even move the bed into Yonah's room and “stomp” on the walls... oh, there's going to be “pay-back” and it's going to be HELL! One of these days... ESPECIALLY if that shit doesn't leave at month's end!!! I'll bloody BREAK!) - How charming to be this pissed-off just before bed... AGAIN! Fucking slum! Thankfully, it appears the whole hamlet is dodging me... this evening, Margaret and her husband drove by and as they turned the corner, I was having a smoke... their wave seemed almost “forced”. But of late, it seems I'm being avoided... and all things considered, that's good. - Oh well, alright then. Off to teeth and then to bed and tonight's “drift off diversion”... REVENGE! - Good night.
Thu.18.Mar: 7.44 Did it again... cut the alarms and dozed... but woke at 7.00 and got right to the morning. Shitboi left as I laid in bed, “considering” the rest of this “drizzly” morn. “BANG!” went the front door over there and... now... the house settles again. As I went to the living-room to put the thermostat up to 65F from the 60F over-night, the furnace kicked. So the timing was pretty good and now, the “chill is gone”, I'm dressed and the world goes spinning 'round. It's one of “those” mornings. Vits. taken, coffee at hand and... there's a tie-back to be done for Yonah... all of the rest of them for the living-room, and I'm considering a trip to the skip this after-noon. “Considering”. And that's the morning report. - And there's a pair of jeans and a shirt to be laundered... if I get the what-ever. - And Yonah is “calling”. SHE was the very first thought of this day... The end of May is the “safest” for warm weather, but 7 months in? Is it fair? Safe? OK? I don't know. My gut says “No.” but my heart says... I don't know. She doesn't appear to be all too terribly un-happy in here. But her flock is out there and she ought to be back with them. I don't want her to perceive this as punishment, confinement, imprisonment. Oh... “Life”... what a fuckerie it truly is. It truly, truly is. (“Write us a book of instructions or signs. And if it's been written, then give us more time.”) - 16.55 Tie-backs are as “done” as they're going to be! ANOTHER DAY WITH YONAH!!! HOW WONDERFUL? CAN'T GET ANY MORE WONDERFULER THAN THAT! AND SHE RESTED AT THE FRONT OF HER HOUSE AND WATCHED ME SEW, AS SHE DOES WHEN I'M IN THERE WITH HER! MY LOVE! (My “life”... my “existence”.) - And it was chilled and grey all day. But, I sat at the little work table, lampe on and basked in the LOVE of a MOURNING DOVE! There's really nothing else one could dream of. - Nothing, again, in today's post. Thankfully. And the phone never rang... thankfully. - Of course, Shitboi's returned and with it, the “thump thump thump”. Alas.... - And now, chicken breasts are done in the oven, a “veggie rice” is on the hob. “Summer Days” plays in Yonah's room. And another day comes to a close. (“Marie Moi” now plays.) - I'm seriously considering using what I need of this “relief” money, to get a guitar. Then I think: “Why bother for so little time?” And then.. even if for a day, it's one more day. And at this juncture of my existence, I've earned at least that much. We shall see. There's no telling if/when it will come anyway. (No doubt, somebody's got it stuck to their fingers.) - Another day... another day closer to Yonah's departure. I have to get the lumber together to get that stand done for her. And when I'm “gone”... should I “go” here, let somebody else be bothered with and by it. - I've gotten to a point where I don't care about others, don't want to talk with them, don't want them at the door, in the e-mails, in the post. - Last night, when I put the lights out (and the house went black because, delightfully, the street light was out... YAY! Gawjus!) I literally had the sensation that “I” was actually “dissolving” into the bed, into the air, into “nothingness”. It was quite strange, odd, queer, but not at all frightening. I could FEEL my every-thing, essence and all, dissolving... becoming a faint “dust” and simply degenerating into nothing. And today... the total apathy toward the rest of the world. Maybe I AM just getting closer... BUT NOT BEFORE I'VE COMPLETED MY VOW TO YONAH! And that's that! - Now... to meal and then... to... what-ever comes along next. - I'm just hoping my guts will return to normal... tonight would be a lovely time. Last night was annoying, aggravating, inconvenient. - 19.47 YONAH'S INJURED HER LEFT LEG AGAIN!!!! SHE WAS ALL QUIET, AND THE ROOM READIED FOR THE NIGHT, I WAS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WHEN I HEARD THE FLUTTERING! I WENT IN, IN THE DARK, SAW HER IN THE CORNER BY HER FOOD. NOTICED THE CUTTLE BONE WAS DOWN SO I TURNED THE LIGHT ON TO REPLACE IT AND NOTICED BLOOD!!! I CAN'T TELL WHERE, EXACTLY, IT'S COMING FROM BUT IT'S UP BY HER BELLY! AND SHE BLEEDS QUITE PROFUSELY! BUT THERE'S REALLY NOTHING I CAN DO FOR HER AND PROBABLY NOTHING THAT OUGHT TO BE DONE, OTHER THAN KEEPING AN EYE ON HER... OH... AND JUST AS WE'RE GETTING SO CLOSE TO HER BEING ABLE TO BE OUT AND BACK WITH THE FLOCK!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! You know, it there really was one of those “All-loving God” things... SHE WOULDN'T SUFFER. But I'm reading quite an interesting excerpt in “Whirlwind” about “God After Auschwitz”and it's covering the entire nonsense quite well: the “myth”... and how “it” (“God”) pretty much gave up “divinity” when “it” decided to “become” and then, with this “creation” thing, did what “it” did, created the “creation” and pretty much, walked away, in a manner of speaking. So... It's Yonah and I now... as it' really, actually has been all along... and my heart. - It's been “OK” next-door thus far but I'm just waiting... no doubt there'll be SOME shit later. - -11/-20° again tonight. Thankfully, Yonah's room will be warm. Tomorrow's high -1/-6! But Sun-Thur week: 12,14,14,14,13... we shall see. “It' ain't July yet.” - 22.07 Shitboi's bouncing about from since 21.35... and my guts are wrenching because of Yonah's injury tonight. Just looked it up and, apparently, birds don't experience “pain” in their feet and legs which allows them to walk in terrible cold and perch for long hours. That's a bit of a relief. I SO want to go in and check Yonah, but I don't want to disturb her, feeling that she'd be better un-disturbed. She's been very quiet and that could be good or bad. I dread the thought of finding her... not well... and I leave the sentiment at that. Besides, there's nothing I could do to make her leg any better tonight. Not that I could do any more in the morning. I can't “bandage”. And even if I could, doing that after she's adjusted to “night” would be cruel, to put her through that trauma and then leave her in the dark. But it is a bit of a relief to know that she's not in “pain”. Just so long as the bleeding stops. She BLEEDS so much! Her blood is quite thin. (Which makes me happier that she's not in the cold!) Well... she recovered so well from the original injuries and the cause of this one has been removed. I'll have to work on the cage tomorrow to make sure that there's nothing she can harm herself on in there EVER again! Something of IMPORTANCE for tomorrow. - Tomorrow... a trip to FamDoll... perhaps to market. (I've a coupon for peanut butter.) I've taken the jars I'd bought to reconstitute the water colours out. And there's the “ledger” for the banquing. Maybe I'll search for a 2x4 for the PO sign... in the garage. I could work on trying to make a kitchen table or perhaps a stand for Yonah's house... or to get one started with the pallets. There are “things” to keep busy. But most of all, I want to spend time with Yonah... and now that the tie-backs are in use... it's time to move to the next items... and both the paints and the banquing are to be done... WITH YONAH! - Other than that... there's food left-over from tonight's meal (for 3 more meals), ice cream, PopTarts... there's food in the house. Smokes is the only thing to drag me out of here. So? So. - Well... 'tis time to wrap this day. I've had 3 hot waters, the vits. There'll be no shower. And the anxieties of the bull-shit next door... And... to bed. - Cold tonight. The furnace just kicked for the 65F and I'll put it down to 60F. Brush teeth and done. - FUCK that shit-bag next-door! Just FUCK!
Fri.19.Mar:
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Sat.20.Mar:
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Had a dream though... short, as it were: this house, bad weather, windy, drizzly, a “Spring” sort of evening. I was out front, looking at the house to assess conditions and such, for some reason. I was ANGRY! SOMEBODY had NAILED the Southern-most screen to the house... with LARGE, silver nails! The screen frame was crushed where the nails had been hammered, and there were SO MANY of them! Another screen, on a window closer to the PO was “hanging” by only one side, “flapping” as it were, in the wind. I became furious because somebody (I thought it had been Jeff and Alvin) had done it either whilst I was in the house, un-aware, or at a time when I'd been away, out, perhaps in town. They just came to the house and for no real reason, had hammered the screens into the window frame! I wanted, needed, had to leave, made some mention of it as people began to come to the house, commenting on the “damage” but I was at a complete loss because I had no place else to go to! I WANTED, SO DESPERATELY, to get away and felt so trapped!
And there we have it. It's 8.37, I'm having coffee, still obsessed with trying to find any particulars on the Pekala incident. 2 smokes, first out back where I put the left-over seed from Yonah's and noticed Shitboi's car is in the drive (not sure if there's another vehicle, but it really doesn't matter). The 2nd, out front, moments ago. And now I hear the pee-oh thing has arrived... fucking early again. The “morning” has commenced... fukme, fukkit, fukkemall.
Noting here: The band on the bottom teeth came off yesterday afternoon and I haven't replaced it. I'm trying to remember how many years it's been since I had to put bands on those teeth to keep them together. It was whilst I was at Jim's... a tooth that always got an abscess came loose and I pulled it. Shortly after, I noticed that the front teeth, (bottom) were separating and I started putting rubber bands on to keep them together. It's been YEARS now. I want to see if the teeth will stay where they are. I hope they do. It feels rather strange, not having the band there. But I'm sure it's “cleaner” for the gums. Ah... those gums. Zur used to comment about how “small” my bottom teeth looked because the gum-line was so high. Dentists wanted to “cut them back” but I refused. Good thing I did... they're receded over time, to where the teeth are now “normal”... until they too, come out, I've no doubt. Anyway... we shall see. There's a large supply of more bands, should they be needed. - And Yonah is up and about, I've changed the water in her pool this morning. Her radio is on, curtains open. “Our” morning is under way. I think I'll work on the transcription of banquing records with her today. Other-wise, I actually have NOTHING on the agenda. - 9° is the expected “high” for the day. Still not “warm” but certainly nice to see a number with-out a “minus” before it. - I'll glean the soc.med. and get to being “occupied”... and time spent with Yonah. - I wonder when Shitboi will start the removal. How I look forward to that departure... and dread what's to come. I've NO trust in Alden any longer... At times I feel the courage to “dig in” and stay here... most of the time I just want OUT and AWAY! BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE... I WANT TO KNOW THAT YONAH IS BACK WITH HER FLOCK! SAFE! - 22.12 and the temperature drops, as do the feet and God only knows what else, next door. It was a peaceful day, for the most part. Ah... and only just moments ago... of course. I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't intentional? Maybe a desire to raise the rent here? Get me out and... Although, I could just be the slightest paranoid. In any event... I just hope it doesn't disturb Yonah! Or... there will be Hell to be paid before either of us departs the premises. - As for other-wise, I managed one side of one page of the banquing transcription and will pick up tomorrow... more time with Yonah. - Have had all the hot water and pills and last smoke and such. The furnace set at 65 and will be dropped when it stops running. - Ah... Saturday is done and NO PO TOMORROW! But there's supposed to be a steady week of TEENS through! (Single digits at night though but only one “minus”... tomorrow. I can hope. - And to close on CUTE: Before meal, I stepped out for a smoke and walked round to the Hill side of the house. Had a look at the roof on the cellar shed (didn't dare to go check the oil) and YONAH SAW ME, THROUGH THE WINDOW, AND PACED ABOUT HER “PLATFORM” EXCITEDLY! WHEN I CAME BACK IN, I SWEAR SHE RECOGNISED ME OUT THE WINDOW! AND TODAY, SHE ACTUALLY GAVE “PECKS” ON MY FINGERS THROUGH THE CAGE! JUST LITTLE PECKS. AND, BETWEEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY I'VE NOTICED THAT SHE HAS SOME SORT OF “ATTRACTION” EITHER TO SOME “SOUND” OR THE SCENT OF THE “AVEENO” LOTION! SHE COMES HURRYING OVER TO LOOK WHEN I APPLY IT! I WONDER... MY LITTLE LOVE! - So, now 'tis time to retire... in angst... with the worry about the Shits next door. I can only hope... for a night of peace... I doubt we'll have one, but... Just so long as that shit-fuck doesn't disturb Yonah. - One thing: Alden said “Sex can be noisy.” I wonder... is THAT THE FUCKING STUPIDITY THAT ALVIN WENT TO GOSSIP ABOUT? TURNING IT ALL INTO SOMETHING IT ISN'T AT ALL? I SHOULDN'T DOUBT IT... THE FUCKING BORED AND TEDIOUS OLD BIDDY! (ANOTHER FUCKING BIDDY! JEEZUS KRISTE!)
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Sun.21.Mar:
* 13.20: MICHAEL & GIRL-FRIEND, STATEN ISLAND... ORIGINALLY FROM SIBERIA *
* 14.00 THREE ROBINS ACROSS THE ROAD AT THE BRADYS'*
7.52 and another day, the first “officially full” day of “Spring” in under way. BFD. And I'm dressed, in from a smoke out back. Yonah is up and about and coo'ing. And whilst out back, I heard another mourning dove, off in the wood, calling as well. It's a lovely sound out there. Good to know “the flock” is still about. The temperature is -3/-5° with clear skies, due to reach 13/13° by... 13.00 after hitting 1/1° in about an hour, and sun through-out. Charming. 13 and 14 through the week (with the “mandatory” rains here and there, of course) but, after tonight's -1°, there are NO MINUSES in the next 7 days. Single digits, yes. But no minuses. One can only “hope”. - Sadly, Shitboi is “in” this morning. But, 'tis another day. (I'm pondering sending a bit of a “note of clarification” to Alden with April's rent cheque, to “clarify” and state that I did NOT mention “sex noises”. But then again, it does no good. The rumour has been seeded and grown and sadly, I'm obviously not dealing with the brightest bulbs on the marquee. Best leave the lights alone. If they'll twist a comment, they'll fuck the correction.) Moving on... - Pondering a bit of a manipulation of next month's budget here, with the purchase of a can of clear spray for the PO sign. It's now necessary because I've sanded the back of it, to “sharpen” the red paint that smudged on the edges. But there's truly not enough in the account/budget for it today. It would dip into the rent and that's not an option since the rent goes out on Wednesday. Alas. There's the transcriptions to occupy the day anyway, TIME WITH YONAH who, by the way, this morning, when I opened the curtains, came toward me! She won't let me “touch” her, but she DOES appear to “know” me, and to “trust” me... to a point. (I still wonder what she'll do when she's back out there... Will she “trust” me then? Or will she simply “vanish” off with the flock? Only time will tell. “If you let me make love to you, then why can't I touch you?” What a love... LOVE!) - Health Report du matin: The usual... cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze, etc. etc. A touch on the “light-headed” side. - OH... BEFORE going to bed last night, at about 22.30 or what-ever, as I was brushing my teeth, the water from the basin bubbled-up into the toilet! The damned line is clogged again. I THOUGHT I'd heard it on Friday night, even as I laid in bed, and sure enough... so I had to “plunge the line” because I couldn't flush the toilet... before going to bed! (Paper towels? Or... well, on Friday evening, the washer was running next door and that's when I'd heard the bubbling in the loo basin so... There's no telling WHAT's being tossed into the machine over there.) At any rate, what a charming way to end a day... just before going to bed. - And only one loo trip during the night. Other-wise, a “sleep-through” for the most part. Light's out by around 23.00 and this morning, awakened by the “call to the loo” just before the 7.00 alarm. Fine. - Need to pull something for tonight's meal. Check this week's “specials” at the market. And... roll along... roll along... roll along. - As others might “celebrate” the coming of the “warmth” of the season, I don't give a shit or I just don't look forward to it. Not sure which. Not that it makes any difference at all. So... before I know it, meal time will be at hand, another day will have passed and... - On with the day. -
teeth band!!!! - 15.33 Météo claiming 14/14°. Front porch reading 25°!!! But the kitchen, where I am at present, is CHILLY! And the sun is shining brilliantly and the air is delightfully still! WHAT a DAY! (Wasted, some-what, because Shitboi's been in all day and I dodge that, by not going out into the yard to do anything out there. No prob. It's cooler in the back. I have the front door open but if I open the back, the cool air from the snow out back comes in and I'd rather warm the house with the air from the front, than cool it with the air from the back.) - ANYWAY... Yonah and I have spent the day together as I've reached “2020” on the book-keeping transcriptions. Not too bad for a day. And WHAT A JOY BEING WITH HER. I FOUND RECORDINGS OF “SONG-BIRDS” ON YOOTOOB, AND HAVE THEM PLAYING ON THE “ATT” PHONE BESIDE YONAH. SHE'S BEEN RATHER “INTERESTED” IN IT SO I'M ABOUT TO DOWN-LOAD SOME FILES FOR HER VERY OWN... I don't like having the Internet streaming into that room! - MEAN-WHILE... I had mid-day pills with tea... no lunch. I just didn't want to take the time to prep and eat. But this morning, I did see some sort of video about “Aging” and in it, there was a mention that going with-out a meal, feeling hungry, forces the body to regenerate certain cells which leads to a slowing of the “aging process”. Well! Not only will a skipped snack do me good for the belly-bloating, according to that study, it'll help my cells regenerate and rejuvenate. (“LOL”) And since I didn't take any meat out for meal this evening, and didn't bother to run to the market (because, well, store-brand butter is on sale but “Friendly's” ice cream is on sale and so... no hurry, no rush, no bother, we're having pasta later. Ice cream after, of course, but... there we have it. - Now... on to “the notes”!!!!! - At about 13.20, I took a break for a smoke on the front porch and just as I was coming back into the house, a car headed North on the main. I stepped in but the car turned, came back and parked out front (at the corner... “Considerate” and “intelligent” and, of course, no locals). A young guy got out and so I stepped out the door, thinking they might be lost. The guy starts to tell me, IN A RUSSIAN ACCENT, that he wanted a photo of “New Russia”! So we got to talking. He and the girl-friend are BOTH from RUSSIA. They were up in Lake Placid. He said he's originally from Siberia, been in the states since 2003... on a “Green Card”. They live in Staten Island but he LOVES this area because it's so like Siberia... with the mountains and the weather! We chatted about politics and The City and all sorts of things. Some-how we got to the matter of the post office and he, half-jokingly, said something about getting a PO Box here and changing his driver's license and auto registration to... “New Russia”. He mentioned something about having the mail sent to him in S.I. and I told him I'd be more than HAPPY to help in that respect! (Of course, providing, I'm still in residence here... but I didn't mention that bit.) He, “Michael”... which he said in English first then Russian... took my number and name. I told him to seriously consider because I'd be happy to help! Hey! I see NO reason why I shouldn't. I'd've benefited SO MUCH if SOMEBODY would have been kind enough to give me a postal address in QC for the banquing and much more. So if I can... I SHALL! And so, they were off... - THEN... because the wasps are returning with the warmth, I decided to spray 2 coats on one of the “hornets' nests” and hang it on the front porch. (It's now at the empty “junction box” directly out-side the front door... looking quite OK, I must say.) WELL! As I'm hanging it (with wire, as I stood on the old kitchen chair) I spy... A ROBIN... ACROSS THE ROAD... and then ANOTHER... and then ANOTHER STILL! THREE ROBINS! Ah... THEY'RE BAAAACK! BUT... because there's still the potential for cold (like tonight... with -1°), it's still too soon to set Yonah out there. She's been SO “anxious” all day, in spite of the fact that she's OBVIOUSLY NOT afraid of me, because when I go to the cage, she gets on her perch right next to me; I can tell, sense, feel that she wants to be OUT! And I WANT her OUT there! So now, I'm even MORE anxious, m'self, about getting this damned 1400$ that's supposed to be coming so I can get the lumber and get to work on the stand for her cage on the back porch!!! She should be back with her flock now! It's almost time! But maybe “Fate” is slowing me down, intentionally. Had I there where-with-all today, I'd probably be up in Plattsburgh, getting the lumber and getting to the stand and... well... as I say, there's still a lot of snow out back in the piles, and there's still quite a bit on the yards across the way. AND the mountains are still quite covered... “Time”... - And so, there we have it... the day. Front door open. Things to be done but won't get done. Shame, really, I've NO interest any longer, in “making pretty” around here. BUT... IF the forecast is correct, the rest of the week is supposed to be quite nice, as was today. We'll see if something doesn't swing this mood. As I say: My ONLY concern of sincerity is Yonah... and when she's returned to the flock... that's that for all of this. No more “Mega C”, no more pondering “home improvements”. Until then... let the days roll along. - 16.04 and time to get meal going. This day passed quite quickly... all things considered. - 16.49 NEW MUSIC FOR YONAH on the iPod! Which combines with her “mourning doves”... and is “Now Playing”. - And pasta with veggies is on the hob, just about ready to serve. It's still quite nice out there on the front porch. Alvin and Vivian are removing their chairs from the garage (I can't wait to see what kind of “moving” they've done to the rest of the stuff in there before I get to it). There's smoke coming from the chimney at the Bradys' place. Indeed, the in-side of the houses is still cold. But... hopefully, the forecast is correct for the rest of this week! - Ah... the day is coming to a nice close. (Let's HOPE it STAYS calm!!!! FUCK!) - 21.31 Just in from last smoke in the chill. Thankfully, they've changed the forecast for the night... up from -6 to -3. - Meal was “filling”... I cooked too much pasta but had it all, a little ice cream after. Yoghurt this evening, and the last 2 PopTarts. Hot water and such. - I got the drains open in the loo... AGAIN... because Shitboi went out but... of fucking course, it comes rolling in at 21.30 (as I'd expected) with the usual BANG-SLAM of the door, followed by a bit of “wall-tapping”. So I'm pretty sure now that it's intentional. Fuktard, that one. - I'm off to the shower now... indeed, and then to bed... as my guts knot, worrying about Yonah. (I'd truly like to deck that wet-baby-in-breed son of a pair of shit-bags.) - Well, that off my chest... off to the shower. I'm exhausted. I could almost pass the shower but, one's due and it's time. - Clear and warm tomorrow... let's hope. Perhaps a trip to the market... early on in the day so there's time with Yonah ahead.
Mon.22.Mar: 6.51 Up, dressed, been out in the “crisp” morning air for a half-smoke, under-things in the basin on the soak and... feeling like right SHIT!!! At 6.00 this morning, I half-woke to the sound of... YONAH! accompanied by the “sounds of thunder”. Shitboi was “on the move” and making it's presence in Creation known. OK. So I read that mourning doves need 10 hours of “rest/sleep” and yes, by 6.00 this morning it had been roughly 11 hours since dear Yonah had “curtain call” last night. BUT... BANGING AT 6.00? Well, let's just say that I'm planning a quick run into town this morning, should the truck be warmed enough with the temperatures of the forecast and should the opportunity present, there's to be a “chat in the meats aisle”. I'm fucking fed-up with this shit. Fine, IF the moron in-breed DOES leave by month's end, it's only another 10 days, but I've just had more than I care to bother with/about. This nonsense about “Sex can be noisy” is just so much bull-shit! And I'm feeling horrid this morning. Light-headed, painful chest, generally run-down... in spite of having gotten a night's sleep. - 6.58 “The call”... Yonah is up and ready to rock'n'roll. My Life's Delight is up with me. WHAT A LOVE! - 7.55 AND... Yonah's pool has been cleaned and re-filled. Fresh water in the dish. Her “bird songs” are playing and ... AND... I notice, of late, that when I go into the room and over to her, she comes closer to me! She still won't come near my hand when I put it into the cage, but she gravitates to me other-wise. And she doesn't mind when I go in to clean the pool or her “house”. Still, I wonder what she'll do when she's out-side. Will I EVER see her again? Time will tell. - And I've had a full smoke on the front porch. Margaret came by, off the Hill, and gave a wave. I don't know why they bother. The only one who actually looks as if she's genuine is “Pat” from the Lakota. The rest of them appear “constipated”. Oh... I'm SURE there are rumours flying about this “Pleasant Valley” and you know? They can SHOVE their rumours... bored, tedious old shits. - Now, I have to take a morning dump. Let's see how the plumbing takes it. - Which reminds me of last night's dream:
I was in a “shelter”... again... waiting to “be seen” or some sort of situation. Bright halls. Very well lit, Rather clean. There was a toilet in the hall, Unattached to anything... just there. But I HAD to take a shit! So, right there, in the hall, I sat and “let it go”. When done, I needed loo-roll, and there was a bit of a “storage area” behind me, with rolls of that and “kitchen roll” as well. I reached for a loo-roll but it appeared to be “soiled” with some sort of soot. A fellow came by and I said “I need some paper.” and he pulled the curtain back for me as I sat on the toilet. I reached back, grabbed a “kitchen roll”, thinking that it might plug the toilet but not caring and somebody came by and quietly said “You know that's not attached.” But he didn't seem to mind and neither did I. The “problem” was that it seemed all the paper rolls were soiled, as though they were rejects, soiled and put to the side. But I used the kitchen roll anyway, to “clean” my bottom. Nobody seemed to find it “odd”, that the toilet there, in the hall, was to be used and that it was perfectly normal to walk along the hall and see somebody taking a shit in it. - Well... it might have had something to do with last night's plunging, which I did again, before showering. And then, when I'd done the shower, stepping out, I noticed that the curtain had moved during and the towel on the floor was quite soaked! Thankfully, not onto the little rug. So, picking it up to put it over the “rod”, it splattered, only slightly, onto my face! I was REALLY quite pissed-off, but it wasn't all of too much matter so I just went along and got ready to get into bed. Also, had been watching “Little Britain”... a “Brit-com” I don't much “like” but it passes the evening, and on there was a play on the term “Public Toilet” where a bowl is set on a pedestrian pavement, in a little shopping venue, out-side and guys just go to it, sit and shit or, as last night's episode had, a guy got up from taking a shit, the next one comes along, waves the “odour” in the air, grabs a can of spray to “clear the air”, then reaches for the bog roll, tears some and lifts the seat so he can pee. OK. So elements incorporated. Still, one does wonder.
Meanwhile, the under-things are on the rack to dry, Yonah's pool is cleaned, I'm having a coffee. And at one point, I had to blow my nose this morning and didn't notice until I tossed the paper... my nose was bleeding. No surprise, really, with all the naproxen I take, regularly. But it' stopped. - Put the thermostat back down to 60F because the 65F go the furnace running up to about 70! As if that damned thing has a mind of it's own. - Plan? Run through the soc.med. this morning, head back into Yonah's room for more “financial transcriptions” until... and yes, a trip into market at some point. - I'm just, generally, in a “sour” mood this morning. Nothing really 'specific”, just “generally”. And it's “Monday”, so I expect “calls” about the bill for the abattoir, and then comes the PO BS... THIS is NOT how I saw my life... though I don't know why... it's “typical”: annoying, aggravating. I need to just toss the BS and let the rest of them go on with their other-wise boring and mundane and other-wise useless existences. They don't bring it to the door. Fukkem. (Though I wonder what sort of reaction, if any, there will be to the “hornets nest” on the front porch... Fuktards.) - 11.45 Well... Done with the transcribing through April 2020... AND A MORNING WITH YONAH... and the “bird songs”. HOW WONDERFUL! And nothing in today's post, though I believe the vit.C is due this evening... UPS, so I can be sure it'll be delivered properly. - The sun is shining. The skies are CLEAR! Porch thermo reads 15° but the air... well... chilled. The house? The furnace kept kicking at 65F so it's down to 60 again. When the sun reaches the front, I'll open the front door but for now... the only thing that'll come in is the breeze and never mind that. - The house phone rang just now... 5 rings... I know it's “collections” and I'm in no mood, to be honest. - Feeling only a touch better, health-wise. But am relieved that the pee-oh biz is done for the day! - Later, perhaps... if I can wangle the budget, a trip into town. I should go to market, I'll soon need to get to FamDoll... haven't got the money (unless, as I say, I “wangle” the budget). I was thinking of sweeping the road gravel into the drive today and going to the garage... we shall see. I really have NO interest in anything that has anything to do with this place. Sad, that. - Soc.med. this morning, was “engaging” to a point. But the stupidity on Twatters is just too much any more. - So we shall see where this day leads... when it's done. - Another morning. Another morning. Now for oatmeal and ginger tea with vits. (I could use a snooze too.) - 21.37 and the day is done... another one... gone. - Tomorrow, Sep. 2020 into the “registre”. Spent the entire day with Yonah again... it was INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL! We chatted. She gets so close to my face when I put it to the cage. How I'd SO LOVE to let her out and about, but I'm SO afraid she'll hit a wall or window and I can't bear the thought of her having any more injuries... not now... so close to the day when she'll be out, in the warmth of the sun, with the rest of her “folks”. It's going to be extremely empty with-out her in the house. I thought of it today, when I walked out of the room and then back in. There won't be any motion, no sound, no flitting, no... other life. Well... that's OK. I don't think I'll be “left behind” much longer after. And if there's any truth to the rumours of “after”, maybe I'll be able to “change”... set my “energy” into another little mourning dove and join her and the rest. There were quite a few of them on the back walk this evening. Maybe she understands that I only want to keep her safe, that I only wanted to keep her safe, protected from the bitterness of the Winter. Maybe, some-how, she “knows”. I look at the others out there and I believe she's quite young. She's small in comparison. Maybe I've given her a good life in her youth... and now she'll go out, find a “fella”, have some little ones and maybe she can teach them, if we ever meet, that I couldn't even think of harming her, or them, in any way. Maybe... Or maybe I'm just an idiot. That's probably more the truth. - Anyway... the new bottle of vit.C arrived this evening. Corey came, just left them on the front porch, in the sun, and left. I was at the kitchen sink, the front door was open. He was very quiet. Oh well... - As “meal” was cooking (rice, mushroom soup, veggies... filling... a little left over), I got the gumption to go next door and “clarify” the situation about the noise. I'm quite pissed with these old shits around here. I didn't say anything about “sex” over there and if that's what got back to Shitboi, I want it STAUNCHED! I've had MORE than I can stand of the bull-shit that I've put up with since the day I arrived. It isn't “mischief” and it isn't “amusing. Well, he came in and must have left immediately because when I walked round the house, he was here and gone. (He came in at 20.30 tonight and it's been quiet since... I wonder...) Well, there'll be an opportunity. And I'd like, very much to settle it before he leaves (IF, in fact, he's leaving at all... I don't trust THAT bit of shit either). - So meal was had. Yonah's curtains were closed at 19.30 and she's been quite calm since. Once the curtains are closed and the “light block” goes up... she looks about the cage, and up “into the trees” for a while. But once the radiator is on, the curtains closed, the door closed... she's fine. - Did we EVER have quite the chatty evening though. Through meal, and after, when I went out for a smoke, we “called”... her in her room, I on the porch. Yeah... she actually IS my “Life” now. - And so... with the “registre” and soc.med., a bit of news... that was the day. It was quite lovely. More of them to come but on Friday, a spike in the temperature, rain and then... we return to the “late Winter” that some call “Spring”. Minuses return to the night temperatures and there's snow in the long-range. SHIT! Looks like we'll be together through April. I SO WANT HER FREE AGAIN....!!!! SOON! - And tonight, I managed to down-load ALL of the episodes of the old Brit show “Mulberry”!!! There were only 13 episodes. I never knew. And according the history, there was supposed to be a 3rd season but it was cancelled so the whole thing never had a proper ending. But now, I have all 13 episodes and have watched SE01 EP01 and 02 this evening. - Well... 'tis 21.54, my vits and such are taken. I have toast and cream cheese with and the rest of the yoghurt after. All the hot water's been consumed. It's time to wrap this day in the night. (My stomach is painful tonight... bowels are bitching... but...) - I've had the furnace off all day. I'll re-set for 60F just in case. (I'll have to check the oil soon too... I tried to check about the 1400 that's supposed to come. The bloody-fucking web-site says either they don't have enough info to tell me about or I'm not qualified for it. Last year's came on 29 April anyway.) It's about to become quite difficult... April... It's already quite tight as it is. But... we'll manage. The radiators are here. One's enough to keep Yonah warm. I can use the other one some-how. And we both have food. We'll be OK. WE... WE will be just fine.
22.07 Just in from last smoke. The brook is whispering tonight. The snows are melting. It must be rushing. I wanted to walk up it... tonight I think: After Yonah is away. But I looked in through the curtain on the door. The old post office light is on because I've put the heat up for a moment. A soft, warm glow came through the fabric on the window and I remembered the nights of walking through Riverdale, so utterly exhausted that it was physically painful. I remember the days and nights of walking, to stay out of that flat, walking with my eyes closed because I couldn't keep them open, but dared no to stop any-where for fear of falling asleep... on the pavement. And I looked up into the windows of other flats, where there was a “warm glow” of a lamp, and how I yearned to be in one of those rooms, warm, sitting in a chair, being able to simply doze, or just be part of the warmth, the silence. I didn't have that for YEARS! At Jim's, it was a matter of having to wait until he was ready to end the night, because my “place” was an inflatable mattress on the living-room floor. At Margot's it was the same thing, waiting for her to go to bed... after I'd spent the entire day out, walking or riding the subway for a “snooze”. There, it was that “sofa”... in her living-room. Briefly... there was the Rockaway followed by Tilden... followed by... the shelter and the over-head fluorescent lights and having to wait until the last of the others would finally shut up... and even then, through the night, half-sleeping, always aware of the surroundings, in case somebody would come in during the night, to take the bed or try to “put one of us out”. Then, on to VT and the North Star and “Nicole” being beaten and slammed against the wall... and then Steve's... and Tara... and hearing them, drunk, in the other room. Fran's... and her being up and about all through the night. Then Richford, and the walking, walking, walking to Sutton. The horror of returning to The City, bounced from place-to-place until I couldn't take that any more. Sleeping in somebody else's bed... Then Franklin... and that ice-cold room and the tension in that house until Bob killed Lyle off and got Gordon in... and coming in one evening, exhausted, again, to find that mattress deflated. 5199? 3 nights a week of just me... and the “Stanhope” lunatic. Not to mention the banging of the wood-stove first thing in the morning... and through the day and needing to be busy... always being busy. The room, no day-light. Trying to be helpful and it always being turned against me, some-how. And here... where there's nobody like any of them... and a soft, warm light in the living-room, shining through the curtains... and inside the house, it's warm, quiet, calm (with the exception of the out-bursts of late). And out-side, to the North, the brook whispers, and round the corner, to the East, down the Hill... the river whispers... and in the other room... Yonah, dear, sweet, most-precious Yonah, sleeps on her little perch. Tonight... I remember... and here we are.
Tue.23.Mar: 7.14 and again, this morning, I ask “Why?” - Météo says “1/-2°” and I'm just in from a smoke on the back porch, having “served breakfast” and... fetching the bill of 56,64 for this morning's propane delivery at about 6.45. Odd... but I heard the 6.00 alarm this morning, woke, turned it off and stayed in bed. Then came the 6.30, which I turned off and heard the furnace kick (set at 60F) and “considered” getting up but didn't until “the call from the next room”. Yonah was up and so was I. Kettle on, trip to the loo and “curtain call”... water on, “bird songs” on and there was Yonah, standing beside the food, looking at me, as she does. We chatted a bit whilst Shitboi banged about, making with the ready to leave. Tah-fucking-dah. The day had commenced, whether anybody cared or not. THEN I spied the Avery truck roll up on the Hill! Well? They're not getting paid with-in the “10 days” this month, to be sure. There's just no way I'm going to fuck about with the rent, to be sure. Bad enough I have the annual Skype bill coming mid-April and I'll be using that before its time. This is going to be a difficult month, especially since it's a “5-week” month. But, alas, one cannot “do” what one cannot “do” and one just cannot give a fuck about any of it. One has been quite responsible and timely for almost 2 years. And these days, one has been exemplary, considering one COULD feign the “covid whine” and one has not. So? So... “FTW” as it goes. Morning coffee at hand, “morning routine” on the roll. Another day... another day. At least Yonah is safe, sound, bouncing about, calling her calls, the jays and a mourning dove are dining in the back and it isn't bitter cold... yet... again. (That's coming though... fuck.) - Last night, I was in bed, reading along at about 22.35 when Yonah quietly called. I got up, put on the robe, got the torch and went in to see and quietly talk with her. I wonder why that happens, that, later at night, in the darkness, she wakes and calls out. BUT, it seems that after I go in, talk with her, she settles back down for the night. This MUST be particularly difficult for her now, considering the season. She's probably looking for a mate, a nest and the usual routine, and here she is, in the house. My heart breaks because I'm so torn. The days are warm, the nights aren't expected to drop below the freeze... but only for the week. Next week, there will be minuses, though not double-digit, and snows to come. Her little body hasn't had the opportunity to “adjust” to the cold this Winter and putting her out there in that might just cause... who's to know what. 5 months of “care”... to have her suddenly blasted with cold? I can't. I'm not cruel. (Last night's reading was about the question: “Would it have been better had man not been created or better that man had?” The topic of man being inherently good or inherently evil and being both and yet neither. And that it is the free will and choice of man to become worthy of his having been created. I'll NEVER make a claim of being so “wonderfully good”, so “preciously good”, especially toward “man”, human-kind. Judge me, if that's to be, on that. Fukkit. But where the little creatures of this world are concerned, if I can keep any from harm and even discomfort, then so be it. Surely I'll be judged, by others of “humanity”, to be eccentric, odd, off, strange, even ridiculous. But I will do what my heart directs... and so, there's Yonah... who is bouncing about this morning, calling in response to the little recording of another mourning dove and today, she's safe from predators, the morning chill, good nutrition readily available, plenty of clean water to drink and her injuries are healed. When the time comes, she'll be ready and strong to take flight and be off... to where-ever her Fate and choices direct. “God” love... LOVE and protect her... with a little help. - There. So reads the epistle of this morning. Now, on to the rest of the day, and the annoyance of “humanity” that will, in due course, invade this little house-hold... SOME of man-kind, of “humanity” actually IS “inherently evil”... like that one slight draft that manages to seep into a well-built house in Winter, a small leak in a roof that allows just enough rain to entre soaking the joists and adding dampness to the chill... the virus that finds it's way into an other-wise healthy body... the cancer cell that suddenly awakens... But let's not talk of that now. - Agenda? Wrap this up here at the kitchen table, get back into Yonah's room and finish the “financial transcriptions” for, at lease, the VT account. Later, a trip to the skip, market and “FamDoll”. The rent cheque will be dropped in the post tonight for tomorrow's departure and... the world will just go on as it does until... - Another morning... another day. - 19.33 (How funny is THAT hour? Eh? Fuck.) The day is done and I'm “wound” but will be doing my best to “get over it” before bed-time. - “Accomplishments”? Well... I had to re-do the “Community” spread-sheet from Oct.'20 to Jan.'21 because of the dates being screwed-up. Then had to go back to find the one “formula” that got defiled or what-ever the term is. Manually checking totals. BUT... by 14.15 I was OUT the door and off to the skip with a STUFFED bag! AND... the mirror-thermometre read... 22°! Imagine THAT! At the skip, “The Marmalade Lady” (I still can't remember her name... damn me) was there and we chatted, mostly about Yonah and birds. Then I asked about the spray cans for paint... regular garbage... YAY! Had I known, but now they'll be in the next trip. - On the way back, I stopped at Aubuchon's, ran in, got another can of clear, ran out, off to market, RAN through that as well but got every-thing on the list including fresh broccoli for Yonah and... round about 15.30-ish, was back in the house! I HATE leaving Yonah alone!!! And she appears to be SO HAPPY when I come back. Yes, I honestly believe she DOES recognise me, and my voice and she's NOT really afraid of me! Well... I cleaned the broccoli and gave her some (she's already had at it), and it was time to get to meal. Franks and veggies tonight (good “cleansing” items). As it cooked, I went out to break-up some of the snow in the back and Alvin HAD to come over. NEWS: Shitboi (or, as Alvin refers to... “THEY”... “THEY”? imagine THAT) will be here until mid-April! or even MAY! FUCK FUCK FUCK! So when he, Alvin, mentioned “fixing” the garage door, I dropped “I have that on my list... that and a lawn mower... if I'm going to be here through the Summer.” Let THAT get back to Massachusetts! FUCK! And so... meal was from 17.00-18.00 and done! - I'd parked the truck out-side the back door but I just don't like it there because of tree limbs and possible rain and a muddy drive on that grade, so I moved it back to the garage and Alvin CAME OUT OF HIS WAY AS HE AND MRS. RETURNED FROM SOME-WHERE, TO TELL ME THAT THE CLINIC IS GIVING THE VACCINES! I TOLD HIM I HAVE A LUMP ON MY LUNG AND WON'T BE RISKING MY HEALTH, TOLD HIM OF MY VIT.C REGIMEN AND LEFT IT AT THAT. NOW... I'M FUCKING RIPPED... I'VE SAID BEFORE THAT I CAN'T TAKE THAT SHIT “VACCINE” (not that I would if I could... since it's NOT a “vaccine”... it's a “Genetic Manipulation” and I'll be dying quickly enough) BUT THE FUCKING AUDACITY! Yeah... I've had it with this shit! Time to simply with-draw and just be forth-right and forth-coming and tell these shits to mind their own fucking business! THE END. - And so, there we have it. - Forecast is for PLUS 4 tonight! PLUS! And the minuses have disappeared until way into next week! - I've just closed Yonah's curtains, and tonight, am trying a card-board on the top of the cage to block head-lights and provide a sense of “security and closure”. We'll see how it works. I'm listening... - Second hot water at hand. And... AND... “MULBERRY” on the hard-drive! No Internet! YAY! - So now I'm off to drop the rent cheque for April in the box and then settle-down until bed-time... shortly after Shitboi comes slamming in at 21.30 (or 20.30 as last night). - Another day... and tomorrow, MORE “financial transcriptions”! (Next month is going to be HELL... with just over 9$/week of “my money” left... Oh well... and alas... I just hope I can hold out THIS month...) - 21.48 2 episodes of “Mulberry”... had the time of it, down-loading more. The copies I have stalled in the video! Oh well... it was all for the best... I suppose. - And at 20.55... literally STOMPING next door! It sounded “intentional”. Kriste! This is going to be living Hell... unless... well... we'll see. - Just in from last smoke too, and thinking:
Yes, it's going to be absolutely empty with-out Yonah, more heart-aches, and emptiness. No more of her coming to the edge of the cage to perch next to my face, nobody to chat with. I thought of making space and figured a way to un-hook the “fountain” so she could be in the living-room window for a change. But then, with working on the transcriptions, I couldn't sit with her. Perhaps I'll buckle-down tomorrow and finish and we'll think of something. Give her a change of scenery. Then, I thought... what if she really DOESN'T want to leave, be with the flock? What if she keeps coming back to the cage? What if she decides to stay? Or, WORSE... what if she can't fly properly? We'll be together... until one of us... hopefully me first, “has to go”. And... if she DOES go... how will *I* “go” quickly enough? I don't care if it has to be here. After all... “little place in the Adirondacks”. And what the rest have to bother with is of no concern to me. Surely there are “government programmes” that handle such a thing. I'm not the first nor the last. Cousins will be notified. They won't care and that's perfect. Theresa? Well... she's got her boys and her life. So? So... no problem there at all. Anyway... there's really no “knowing” until... I just SO hope that Yonah will take to her flock again. I'd be extremely happy to know that she spent a Winter in comfort, eating exceptionally well and she was extremely well-protected, to grow strong and healthy.
And me? Well... I have that “warm light in the window”, in that little place in the Adirondacks, plenty to eat, and though they're really not the sort I'd get for myself, clothing... warm and appropriate and enough. Money coming in. (The rent cheque is in the blue box for tomorrow's post... for April... which pays through May.) The lights are on. The furnace ran a while this evening to take the chill out. Hot water for showering. And the truck... a TRUCK! I have a pick-up truck!
These ARE... MULBERRY DAYS
Time to brush teeth and get to bed.
Wed.24.Mar: 6.44 FOUL... JUST WOKE IN A FOUL MIND, THIS MORNING! * AND, as I was JUST out on the back gallery, having morning smoke and putting breakfast out for the flocks, I heard a “WHOO-OO-OO!” from next door! Just the one. (Then the car started in the drive.) And just now, the slamming of the front door. It's departing... one can only hope. As for the FOUL mood... I woke before the 6.00 alarm, having slept through the night, with one, quick episode of right foot contractions and a pee. And as I laid in the bed, considering getting up, the business of the “rumours”, the “Well, sex can be noisy.” AND the fucking “vaccination” bull-shit came POURING down and on and, well, just pissed me right-the-fuck-off! THAT is, primarily, why I just gave in and got up... at about 6.11. Better to get up and get to the day than to lie in bed, stewing. And so, coffee, dressed, smoke, flocks fed... and... AND... oh, when I came in from the back and just as I began typing, Yonah gave her morning (“mourning”) call... and so, “curtain call” has been effected, and she's flitting about already. “Day” hasn't really even begun to break, and here we are... both of us, up and about. And Shitboi has left the premises... VAAAA-ROOM! Another day commences. - Health report: Normal, common, regular. A little hacking but other-wise... the same. - And Yonah is “singing” in her room which, when I went in, was quite toasty this “comfortably cool” morning. (I put the furnace up once, to remove the night chill. It's back to 60F.) Indeed... she was warm last night and I'm pleased. - And now? On with this day... let's see who/what comes along to fuck with me. I'm quite ready for “battle”. - 20.05 THE ENTIRE DAY SPENT IN THE MOST WONDERFUL COMPANY OF DEAR, SWEET, SO MUCH BELOVED, TRULY MOST-CHERISHED, MOST-PRECIOUS YONAH!!! YES, THE ENTIRE DAY!!! WE WORKED, TOGETHER (AS SHE SUPERVISED FROM HER PERCH) ON THE TRANSCRIPTION OF THE “COMMUNITY” ACCOUNT WHICH... IS COMPLETE!!! (I JUST, this moment, completed it at the kitchen table! Right to the very most recent transaction! AT LAST!) This morning, I changed the water in her pool and drinking dish and got to work. This after-noon, I HAD to put MORE FOOD in her dish! She'd eaten almost ALL of what was in there AND when I put in the fresh, she went for MORE! She was SO HUNGRY today! But spending the day with her took ALL of the “foulness” of this morning, quite away. The only “break” was for a quick yoghurt with after-noon pills and went directly back to the work-table and continued until meal time. THEN, after meal, I went back to work a bit more... listening to Hauser. When I saw she was falling asleep, I closed the curtains, put the board on the window and one a-top, as last night, put out the light, talked with her a few moments and, from since about 19.30... or so, she's been “nigh-night”. If there really are any such things as “blessings”, IF there really is any such thing as a “God” who bestows the greatest of all “blessings”... this little bird, this little LIFE, is SO deserving of SO, SO MANY! - *** AND AND AND... I GOT TO CHAT WITH “JULIUS”!!! Fate put me on the back porch as he came in from work (or where-ever) and we talked about the “situation”. I clarified what I'd said and to whom and what I'd heard and from whom, holding nothing back. I told him that I understand he's leaving and I do NOT want ANOTHER fiasco like the one with Joan where it was bull-shit and fuckery from others that caused the trouble. Come to find, as he tells, nobody ever said ANYTHING to him (which, in itself, pisses me off because IF there were any trouble, it would have NEVER been settled but... turns out it was for the better). BUT he was explanatory about the crashing. A chest of drawers he had, had fallen apart and he put it on his front porch. Then he explained that the washer often jiggles and moves about when in use. I explained the clogged drains and I told him of my “shaking walls” but put him at ease. So, I learn he and “Morgen” ARE, in fact, “on a list” for housing in Saratoga! Sounds like a nice place. He calls it “gated”. 1400/mo. 2 bed-rooms with gallery. All included. AND, Morgen is working on her Masters in Psych AND has a potential job paying quite well down that way! Moving date... “probably mid-May or June”. He mentioned Nancy's “friend” who's interested in the place. I mentioned speaking with Alden and mentioning “age” factor, as I'd been “told” when I first looked at the place. Well, at least the matter was settled, amicably! And it's been rather quiet this evening. OH, and he says he NEVER hears me NOR DOES HE HEAR YONAH! So all's well... as “well” as could be expected. - And now, with heavy heart, thinking of the closeness of this house being with-out Yonah (which is physically painful, I have to say), 'tis time for a bit more “Mulberry”. I've taken tonight's pills with 2nd hot water. I'll have a “tart” or 2, just to put something in there other than pills. Meal was 4 franks with veggies and the left-over “chicken'n'rice” stuff. Tomorrow will care for itself. - The weather was cloudy all day and the rains were light and didn't come until after meal. At last look, tomorrow is supposed to be “variable” and 20°. I've a list of chores including working on getting Yonah's window open (checking the screen of course) and dismantling that pallet in the garage to start her “stand” for out back. Her curtains need washing as well. Things to be done... to do... before I sleep... before I sleep... things... to do. - 22.35 another 2 episodes of “Mulberry”... but I had to re-load one because, again, as last night, the copy I had stalled. Oh well... And now... 4 PopTarts and some yoghurt later and one too many smokes... the day is done...
Thu.25.Mar: 7.32 So... I heard both alarms this morning... Last night was “mostly peaceful” (as the contemporary liberal retards like to refer to the godless dolts that they are, burning Portland OR, Seattle WA, Minneapolis MN, NYC NY, and environs... what a fucking physically sickening thought, first thing of a morning). But it was. Only one nightly loo-trip, but when I got back into bed, I kept the robe on against the chill of the house and this morning, woke, ready to roll... but not. I did NOT want to get out of the bed at 6.35 (on the bed-room clock)! And Yonah hadn't called as yet. I did lay in the bed for a while, after the alarms, seriously considering just not getting up but... up I got, out of the bed and the morning rolled. So coffee's been had, pills taken and I went in to find Yonah on her perch, quietly awaiting the commencement of the morn. Now, her curtains are open and she's listening to “her” collection on the iPod and coo'ing along. - It IS 11° out there, this morning. The mountains have their pockets of morning mist rising. The sky is doing its best to let the sun-shine through. “Flood warnings” in the morning météo... And the Mississiquoi is mentioned, in North Troy and, as I read the report, neither of them are “unfamiliar”... in fact, they still “feel” rather close. After all... my “802” number... 988, is still mine and it's North Troy. Not that it makes any difference in the world. Still, seeing those names... first thing in a morning. - Anyway, the columnar sheets are in the binder this morning. One account done. - And today, my focus is on opening at least ONE window for Yonah which is going to involve “sealing” the outer screen some-how so as to keep the flies and wasps out. Not as easy as one might have thunk, but... there's no MAD rush and we'll have it done... once I get started. - Not feeling “sparky” this morning. A bit of a “ping” in the chest. But as the time rolls by, surely Shirley, it'll pass. “Just another day”... as it were. - So? So... I'm up and having coffee and in from a half-smoke and the flocks out back haven't been round yet but... may as well just move along. And when the day is done... it will have been. - HEY! THE BEST IS: I WOKE TO ANOTHER DAY WITH YONAH COMING TO THE EDGE OF THE CAGE TO BE CLOSE. In her own way she “knows” I'm only trying to protect her... with my all. - 12.17 YONAH'S WINDOWS ARE CLEAN, THE ONE BY HER CAGE IS OPEN, THE SCREEN HAS BEEN “SEALED” AND THE HOUSE IS HOOVERED! AND IT BEGAN AT ABOUT 9.00! DONE! ONE ITEM ON THE LIST... DONE! My back is killing me and my eyes too but... the sun is BRILLIANT! The breeze is WARM! And looking at Yonah, back in her window, basking in the sun... NOT TO MENTION: AS I WAS WORKING BY HER CAGE, SHE ATE AND DRANK AS IF I WASN'T THERE! I'M JUST A PART OF HER LIFE! (I wonder what it will be like when she's back out with the flock.) OH! How I WISH the forecast had NO “minuses” in the nights, NO “neige” or “flocons”!!! HOW I WISH! But this is the “UN-trust-worthy” season... until May. She and I still have April to put up with. But... at least she's getting moving air now AND brighter sun-light! - And I have the 2x4 from the garage for the PO sign which is drying another clear coat on the front porch. - AND, as I worked on the window, Dan stopped to chat. His utilities in that house are killers! And ALL of his windows are the originals... painted shut at the top, held up with bits of wood, and no sashes! He was telling me of 400$ electric bills over the Winter! And heating with a “Monitor”... kerosene... and 400$ and $500 to fill! To think I'd considered asking about renting that place. I'd be DEAD by now! (Considering he just had the whole roof done as well.) - Well... the morning's passed, the sun is shining. I need to get busy with the next item on an agenda. - Oh... nothing in today's post so THAT'S great news as well. - 22.00 Well... another day. - Before I forget... I managed to clear the snow and ice from the back walks (yes, even next-door). My back's out but that's OK. And as I was working, Alvin HAD to come over for general shit and such. I was “delightful”, of course, But then, Nell came by to fetch her post... “maskless” and all smiles. So I called to her and said how nice it was to see her face.
The qunt called back “I've have my vaccine and Alvin's had his vaccine... Have you had yours??
Of course I said “No.” and the qunt mumbled something about “OK then, I'll keep away from....” and fetched her mail, got into her car with her husband and took off!!!
(22.17 JUST HAD ONE OF THOSE HORRIFIC THIGH-MUSCLE CONTRACTIONS! IT'S BEEN A WHILE BUT WOW! HAD TO LIE ON THE FUTON AND SHAKE IT AWAY! COULDN'T WALK!)
So, as I was about to type... I HAVE to wonder when the petition to get me out of here will start, since I'm directly next to, and part of the “local post office”. As I was shovelling the snow I thought I'd go over to Alvin to say so, but the “chat” carried away and I never go the opportunity. BUT... the moment WILL come... it usually does, to make the comment. I mean, I for a “well-educated, successful Black business woman of letters and degrees”... WHAT A FUCKING IGNORANT POSITION TO TAKE! So it got me to thinking: Truly, I don't WANT to be “a part” of any sort of location, and I didn't WANT to be “a part” of ANYTHING, quite honestly, so indeed, it's time to simply NOT “be a part” of this shit! The rumours, the boredom, the ignorance, the pretense... Alvin's a bored, hen-pecked old thing (ex-elementary school teacher), Vivian just damned arrogant. Eric and Meghan are pompous, aloof, condescending. Jeff's just a dithering-doddering old liberal idiot. Make it easier: the 2 John Demings have been most civil, Dan's been quite congenial, Deb (the marmalade lady) has been kind. And there we have it. Yep... fukkem... fukkemall. Time to damned-well keep to my-self and focus on Yonah now... and another place after she's returned to her flock.
Speaking of Yonah... I closed her window this evening, after meal and then, a while later, closed the curtains and put the 2 card-boards up for her, put the radiator on... just in case, and she's been so quiet all evening. WHAT A LOVE! As I said to her this after-noon... I'm not much of a believer in “Heaven” but if there is such a thing, she's it. She's Heaven, Love, every “Divine” aspect of Creation. She got me through the Winter and I'm still kicking... solely because of her. I've NO doubt I'd've given up... had she not been here. - Oh... and I mention that I lightly raked the “kitchen garden” and tossed some bird seed on. - OH... AND ONLY TUESDAY, I PUT SOME OF THOSE “CEDAR VINE” SEEDS INTO 3 LITTLE FROSTING CONTAINERS, WITH SOIL, RIVER WATER AND PLASTIC WRAP ATOP... THEY'VE SPROUTED ALREADY! IN YONAH'S ROOM... WHERE THE ORANGE TREE IS ALMOST TO THE CEILING AND THE AVOCADO IS SPROUTING! I SWEAR IT'S HER... IT'S YONAH! - 22.30 and WAY beyond when I wanted to be in bed! But... one more smoke and off we go. I could stand a shower but I've got all to do to sit... and stand... at the moment. It's going to be a “difficult” night. - Tomorrow, a run into town for smokes to last until NEXT Saturday (I can afford only 2 packs and even then...) and some things from the market. It's supposed to rain all or most of the day and there's a -5° one night next week... Oh well... At least Yonah's windows are AMAZINGLY clean! And can be opened... if I can figure how to get to the one behind her cage. We'll think of something. For now... it's time for bed!
Fri.26.Mar: 7.28 and it's a “heavy” morning, this. Another day where I very well could have stayed in bed, save for “the morning call”... at about 7.00. I woke to the alarms, got up, had a pee and went back to bed. I was already in my robe, with the back brace on... That went on at about 1.20 this morning when I got up to pee, put the robe on against the chill of the house (the furnace is still off though and the house is “OK”, temperature-wise), and when I returned to bed, because of the bit of a “twinge” in the left hip, put the brace on, over the robe and got back into bed. Now, I think I slept through the night, but it must have been a rather motionless night and must have been uncomfortable because when I woke (and even now), there was a lot of “congestion” in the chest, with wheezing, rails and the sort. I do recall going back to bed quite concerned about being kept up through the night with more contractions. Oh well. Let's just call it “restless sleep”. But I read until about 23.30 before my light went out. - And this morning? Dark enough to have put Yonah's light on. Drizzly. Not a “work out-of-doors” sort of morning. It's supposed to be relatively warm through... but the colder nights are to follow... again. - I need a shower and a change of clothes as well. - Last night, noticed that Target reversed the charge for the coffee again so there's more in the account. If I get a message of delay again, I'm cancelling the order. I'll just have to figure where to go to get it m'self. Not happy, to be honest. But, that's how the world is, these days: irresponsible, apathetic. So Target “lost” that 10% on the discount... now they'll lose 100%. There's enough coffee in the house for a while... at least until end of month. Problem is: I won't really be able to afford a trip to Plattsburgh until Saturday, earliest, and even then, with gas prices way back up above 3$/gallon (regular)... the hard-ship for April just go compounded. Alas. Mama said there'll be days like this... Mama didn't lie (and other old song titles). - Today? Time with Yonah. We've got house-keeping to do (with her clean windows). I could transcribe another account for the books. Perhaps put a coat of white on that 2x4 for the PO sign. (I need zip-ties to “install” it. I must have used ALL of the ones I know I'd brought with me... almost 2 years ago. Shame, that, really. I've looked in all possible places and there are none. I don't recall having used them all but... they're not here so...) Perhaps a visit to the market. I've nothing prepared for meals. FamDoll for smokes that will have to last through until Sunday-week. - Meanwhile, I also have to be “animated” to clear this chest. “One of those days”. - Coffee's had. Some bird seed out in the back. Morning smoke. And on with the rest of the day as Yonah calls. (She's quiet when I'm in there with her. I believe it's got to do with “company”... poor, sweet little darling. Her radiator is on too... just to keep the “chill” out of that room. Last night I was thinking: I'll have to put the other radiator in the bed-room for a few/several nights to come. Well? At least I've still got electric and that bill was paid immediately upon receipt. We won't “freeze”...) - 8.50 Well? The coffee order with Target is now cancelled... imagine? Just as I'd thought it. Oh well... Bricks at Tops (for a bit more BUT... ON FS AND NOT CASH so that's a plus... I can get to FamDoll with-out “horrors”). And the band plays on. - 19.50 I am SO TIRED! I've BEEN “SO TIRED” ALL DAY! But I DID manage to get to Aubuchon for “s-hooks” and ties, market for “stuff”, FamDoll for smokes. When I got back, Yonah and I did complete house-keeping and I snoozed for about 40 minutes. Then it was time to prep the chicken I'd gotten at market, then cook, then... the day was gone. And my deepest regret is that I didn't give Yonah enough time. She actually appears to enjoy my company. And I can't help but think of this house when she's no longer in the next room. It's not pleasant. Not at all. But then, there'll be nothing to “survive” for any longer and that will be my “relief”. - And my back still hurts. My bowels are still bloated. But... it's really becoming the “norm” of late. - Was thinking about a shower tonight. Doesn't look promising. But it's almost end of month, time to wash bed-linens, so... there's time for all that. Maybe a shower tomorrow. Pesach is on Sunday. And tomorrow is Mow's yahrtzeit. I tried phoning Ev but the call went to voice-mail. Well, I tried. - Now, time for hot waters and pills and “Mulberry”. Tomorrow, I can spend time with Yonah as I put the lap-top Journal to the servers. SHE'S MY LOVE! - Oh, COLD tonight... and then the week-end. Only slight warming during the week. I've put the thermostat back up to 60F for the night. And the *comfort* to mind, heart and soul: Yonah has the radiator. (And she's been “tucked-in” from since about 19.00... SWEETNESS! HEAVEN!) - 21.58 4 PopTarts (I NEED to STOP that!), hot water, pills, 2 episodes of “Mullberry” (with more down-loads... I'll have to re-watch to keep the good copies...), last smoke on the porch as the wind is blowing. Have to make it through Sunday and Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday will be “warmer”. Thursday, cold, Friday night back into the freeze. We'll be fine. - I can't recall why, but I got it into my head to go to Walker Valley, as I was having my smoke. But as I looked the routes and time... I've completely forgotten why it came to mind in the first place. Something about sun-bathing, Minnewaska, Awosting, here, in New Russia, by the river, in solitude (if that's at all possible), mountains to mountains and... nope that's that and I'm not going... not as long as Yonah is with me, to be sure. - Time to try for bed... I dread another night of pain but... and I dread tomorrow even more... Saturday and the bloody-fucking post office open from 8.45-11.45! Oh well... I've got “things” to do and people to avoid.
Sat.27.Mar:
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Ever-so dark through-out. I was homeless (again), and filthy, dishevelled, noticeably un-clean and in serious need of bathing. The place, the building, was some sort of “school-like”, cinder-block walls, repeatedly painted with those “sea-foam green” and washed-out blue colours, polished tile floors. Stark. There were a great many people about, some sort of “meeting” or “party”. I knew no-one. I don't know how I got there nor what I was doing there but I KNEW I NEEDED to bathe! So I headed for the “gym locker/shower room”, knowing that there was such a place and happened to find it as I wandered the relatively dark halls. In the locker room, the “'showers” were just an open trench-like situation along an entire wall, open, no stalls, no curtains or partitions. “Military”-like. The “tub” was more a trough and I SO wanted to soak in some hot, soapy water! But I went to a trough, filled with hot, very soapy water that appeared to be “used” prior, but I didn't/couldn't care about that. I leaned over the edge and dipped my head into the water, primarily to wash my face and hair. The water was quite hot, indeed and it felt so good! But as I started to wash my hair, I felt something “move” across my scalp! Reaching up, there was a “knot” in my hair, close to the “crown”, and as I tried to pick it out, I felt a slight “biting”. I managed to grasp the “knot” between thumb and fore-finger and pull it out... A SPIDER COCOON! I was filthy enough for long enough that a spider had made a cocoon in my hair! And, I wondered if it had bitten me and was it venomous. But I couldn't care at that point. I just needed to BATHE... thoroughly! As I was removing the rather old, too-well-worn beige sweater I'd been “living” in for far too long, a woman came into the room and walked to me. She wanted to know what I was doing in the room and how I'd gotten into the building. I decided to address her in a manner indicating that I knew where I was and that I had full right to be there... calmly. But when I removed the sweater, I noticed that it was full of holes! Moth-eaten and worn-through, and I sensed that it too, was rather inhabited by spiders... hundreds or thousands of baby spiders! I held the sweater up so that she could see it and started to make excuses for my “state and condition”, explaining that I'd been and was still, homeless and in need of bathing because I did, after all, still have my basic human dignity. She wasn't impressed nor offended and I was feeling rather out-of-place, concerned that somebody knew that I was, essentially, a homeless vagabond of sorts and might be thrown out... wet from having started to bathe and... I woke, before “the call”, before the alarms...
The clock read 6.35... the call came... I got up, put on the robe and headed to the kitchen to commence the day. The house was “chilled”. Météo at 7.15 read 1°/0°, but the sky was slightly hazy. A check for the rest of the day... 10°/10° for today's “high”, not that it's important... I'm not venturing out for any particular purpose at any time. So I put some seed on the back walk. I'd put a considerable spread on the “plot” out there, only yesterday, and today, there isn't a trace of any of it. There's a flock of “black birds” these days. I haven't seen them before and now they're quite numerous... and obviously, hungry! So oh well... I'll be putting seed in the feeder later but if I put any more in the “plot”, I'll rake it in. I'd like to see some of it sprout and grow. (I have to get money to get fencing to close that area off... and the back porch for when Yonah's place is out there.) Veggie gardening is purely out of the mind this year. I've just no interest in it at all... just another part of “life” that's passing. - Well then, here we are... Yonah and I, together, listening to music on the iPod and she's “singing along”, looking out through her brilliantly clean window! (I wish I could open it but I don't dare! I just stepped out into the kitchen to get a paper to blow my nose and... IT'S CHILLED-THROUGH out there... and there's a sense of a draft! WTF?) So here we are, and here we'll be... in the one room being heated... together. Where this day goes is... I don't care. - Oh, and there are TWO cars in the drive for next door, this morning. Yep... “WE” (“THEY”) are co-habitating... or... at least for the week-end. None of my business... so long as I don't have to “hear” of it. - Let's see how today goes... as “Central Reservation” plays... today is what-ever I want it to be... - 10.51 Coding done. Images coded in. Been out for a smoke and to fill the feeder out back. Yonah and I have been together this morning in her room where the radiator is making a MARKABLE difference in the temperature! Stepping out into the kitchen is a shock... and there's a “current” of cold air floating about out in the rest of the house! And it IS COLD out there! The thermometre reads about 64F, set to 60F but it's COLD. Thankfully the sun breaks through and into Yonah's room every once in a while. - Anyway... I'm off for a snooze. The pain in my side just drains me so... she'll listen to the music, I'll snooze and then... mid-day pills and on with Shabbat... and putting the coded page and images to the servers (which I won't do in the room because I just don't want the Internet “beaming” through the walls into here). - 12.10 Furnace on just to get the chill out of here. And I snoozed for almost an hour. Nothing in today's post (thankfully). And as I stood on the front porch having a smoke, Jeff came off the main, ever-so slowly and waved. Why? Why bother? Really. I waved, briefly, in reply. Pffttt. - Now for oat-meal and mid-day pills, put this onto the servers because it's all coded and ready to go, thanks to time with Yonah this morning. She's on her little platform, grabbing what little sun there is to grab... bless her. - I'm wondering if the pain in my side isn't a kidney stone. Oh... it doesn't matter, really. No matter what it is... it'll have to do what it does... or not. - Meanwhile... on with... - 20.01 Another day, another Shabbat... done. It's dark out-side. Yonah is “tucked-in” for the night, radiator on, card-boards to block the head-lights. I managed to put 3 coats of “primer” on an old 2x4. Doesn't cover well. It's the stuff I used in Yonah's room, to cover the blue (it didn't). But it's “white” enough now. Just needs to dry properly. Transferred quite a lot off the lap-top onto the 2TB SeaGate. Took OVER and hour to do! Got the lap-top Journal to the servers. WP has changed
 Yonah: Photo |
 Yonah: Slide |
Sun.28.Mar: 8.20 Though not “in pain” this morning, I'm NOT “with-out”. This morning, at about 1.30, I woke, having put lights out by 23.00, after a FULL, HOT shower at 22.00 (of course... because, in “Standard Time”, that's the normal 21.00) to pee. Now THAT was PAINFUL!!! GOD-AWFULLY PAINFULL!!! HORRIFIC, as a matter of fact. The flow was low, and the PAIN in my hips and buttocks was such that I thought, for a moment, I'd be paralyzed right there. After a while, bladder empty, I almost staggered back to bed, and laid on my back, rubbing my gut for about 15 minutes until, finally, I managed to lay on my left side and drift off to sleep. When I woke, at 7.45, to “the morning call” from the next room (Yonah's been quite vocal this morning), I was able to get up and out of bed with a bit of effort, the pain in the left, lower back, was “present”, but not debilitating. I managed to robe, put the kettle on and have another pee. This morning, pee'ing was easier and considerably less painful, but enough to make the going a touch slower. Got Yonah's curtains open, “bird-songs” to play and coffee made, pills taken, dressed and a smoke on the front porch in the breeze, under grey skies, in the “coolness” of this morning. But when I came back in, it was time for a dreaded “BM”. So I gave me time, got a bit out after almost 45 minutes and, well, the “discomfort” is quite present, but the pain is slightly reduced. I'm moving about, at least, and in from a smoke and measurement of the positioning on the 2x4 which is dry this morning and almost ready for the “installation” of the new PO sign. I just want to “caulk” some holes so there's no place for “bugs” to take shelter. - Meanwhile, I've put the furnace on for a few moments, to take the morning chill out of the house. It's grey, lots of rain in the after-noon forecast and with the exception of Tuesday and Wednesday, for the next fortnight, single digits during the days and “minuses” for the nights... AGAIN! Alas... 'tisn't July yet. - Not planning on much for today though. Thought of disassembling the large pallet in the garage, but with the pain in the hips and the cold and damp, I don't see that happening today. Still, there are files on the lap-top that I can work with/on and surely, I'll find something to “occupy” the day. - “Pesach”... and the sales at market are FULL of “pork” products... for “Easter”. Honestly, this grows tiresome. And I have to ponder meal tonight and such. I have NO appetite and the thought of food is almost disgusting this morning. So a trip to market? Not likely. Oh well. This too, shall pass. - So, with Yonah coo'ing in her room, I'll have an actual coffee and simply “roll with the time”. What this day becomes will be known... when this day closes. At least the pee-oh is closed. That's nice. - 14.20 MUST take a moment, in Yonah's room, to jot: HFO “inshoe” just now. Quick too. And yes, it is still raining, cool and damp out-side, dark in the house, but, the radiators are on in Yonah's room and the kitchen and it's keeping the place most tolerable. - Managed to boil 4 eggs. Yonah has one, I finished the left-over and will keep the other 3 eggs “f'later”. Other than that, I've “accomplished” precious nothing but brief soc.med. And that's the day. I can't believe how quickly it's gone by. - Last night, I discovered some WP down-loads with prose. I'm going to “compile” them now... to pass the time. - OH OH OH!!! I'VE ALSO RE-WORKED AN AUTO-SLIDE CSS FOR A “YONAH ALBUM” THAT I NOW WANT TO WORK! I'VE GOT ALMOST 200 PHOTOS NOW AND I'D, VERY MUCH, LIKE TO HAVE THEM IN “ALBUM” WHICH I'LL HAVE TO PUT ON-LINE SOME-WHERE FOR “OTHERS” TO VIEW. (Probably the “Design”... we shall see.) But I'm quite proud of that. I don't know the “coding” but I can still decipher the necessary modifications. Reminds me of “Winstar” when, on my interview, I told them I couldn't code ASP but I could “modify” and decipher and correct. Thankfully, they gave me HTML... ah... that's where I met Ahlena... and moved to Beacon... and had to be “re-united” with Sisterqunt. Oh well... that was then... today... there's none of it except the bitterness that remains. - And so, I move along... with Yonah toddling about... SO PRECIOUS! (If not for her, not me.) - 20.35 ALL YONAH PHOTOS ARE ON THE SERVER AND CODED INTO THE PHOTO PAGE AND SLIDES!!! (Sadly, the “auto-slides” screwed-up... I have to figure out what, exactly, went wrong. But there are more COLD days coming to sit with Yonah and work it out!) But I'm THRILLED to know that those photos are on the server, here on the lap-top AND on a peripheral! (Though THAT/THOSE will have to up-dated... tomorrow morning.) - Yonah has been “tucked-in” from since about 19.30... SWEET-HEART! - Meal, this evening... 2 eggs, mashed with mustard, olive oil and vinegar, served on buttered toast. A bit of ice cream followed. And I've just taken tonight's pills, am on 3rd hot water and will have TWO... ONLY TWO PopTarts before heading for the shower. - Noting: At 20.05 the tapping, banging, thumping, and so forth, struck-up. But I have a feeling it's because “she” cooks and the pots, pans and necessaries are stored on that common wall so... I REALLY can't complain. Although, as I type, the business I'll NEVER understand is the rumbling and shaking from what-ever stomping they do over there. THAT pisses me off. Anyway... it'll stop (HOPEFULLY) in short order. If they're going to hump-it tonight, that room is on the back of the house... - So now, indeed... I'm going to run through the “Mulberry” videos I managed to capture, sort them out, save the “good” ones, delete the crap. Not all of them... but something to “un-wind” to/with... as the rumbling of the floors and house continue. - Oh... I've had the radiator on in the kitchen all day, as well as the one in Yonah's room. Thermostat set at 60F and it's been quite comfy in here. THAT was the “secret”: Yonah's room and the kitchen... NOT the kitchen and the living-room. We'll see... come tomorrow when the “high” will be 4° and then... THEN... Thursday, 1° and FRIDAY... MINUS BLOODY-FUCKING 2°... HIGHS! MINUS A DAMNED-BLOODY-FUCKING 11° ON BOTH GOD-FORSAKEN NIGHTS! We shall see how the radiators hold. At least Yonah's room will NEVER got “cold” and that's pretty much all I care about. - Moving along... I don't want the be crawling into bed at 22.30 again tonight. My back's feeling a little better... hopefully a proper rest will help... tremendously... I don't count on it though. - 21.35 The rumbling continues and the 2 copies of “Mulberry”, SE1EP01 are shit. So there's another something to be done... in the coming days. - Now? SHOWER AND BED! THIS day is DONE! (Let's just fucking HOPE the dolts next door understand that.) Poor Yonah. Although, birds don't like complete silence... maybe she finds the noise re-assuring... that she's not alone... she doesn't seem to like being alone. If she hears me closing the front screen door, usually when I come back in, she calls. I HOPE she finds a WONDERFUL flock who'll keep her safe, well, protected... amongst FAMILY. - 22.15 Beard trimmed and showered! Off to bed at last! (Still a touch painful.)
Mon.29.Mar: 9.05 Just finished hanging the towel and under-things on the rack. Didn't get to the bed-linens as I noted for m'self last night. No prob. There's still 2 days left to the month. Besides... it's bloody minus fucking 1° out there, with last night's “flocons” just beginning to melt away as a Westerly wind comes a-howling across the tops of yon mountains. HOW bloody delightful... NOT! And I did NOT want to get out of the bed this morning, no, indeed. But “the morning call” came and I will NOT, NO NEVER, ignore that. So, at about 6.30, I DID get up. I was already in robe from last night/this morning when I had to toddle to the loo at about the usual 1.30-ish. The house was chilled and I didn't want to “disrobe”. So, off I went, kettle on, pee and open Yonah's curtains on a dark, grey, snow-dusted morning. The rest? Well... it went slowly because, last night, that pain kept me from getting “just comfortable enough”, though, after the 1.30 pee, I did manage to drift into sleep through the night. So this morning, I'm still quite “fatigued”... yes, that's what I'll call it... “fatigued”. Had first coffee and pills and a smoke on the back porch and put the items into the basin to soak. Had a “sit” in the loo, hoping some-thing would “escape” and “evacuate”, but it was the usual, nothing impressive. A little chat with Yonah, put her “bird-songs” on and... to be honest... A 20-minuted snooze on the futon here, in a certain position, I was painless for the while. Ah, but as soon as it was time to get up again... ZING... and NOT the strings of my heart. BUT... the lavage waited and so... - Meanwhile, some dolt came by in a little John Deere “Sweeper” and swept the front of the house of the gravel... swept it onto the Hill and down as far as about the drive. It's wet, else I'd probably be out there trying to salvage it for the drive (if I do, I do, if I don't, I don't because, quite frankly, I've no fux to give one way or the other of late). Sweeping done, he rolled up the main and off into... - And now, the idiot at the pee-oh is in, so the morning fuckerie commences as well, and I'm back to the loo for a moment or 2 and then... to “fill the time'... with some-thing. I'm not going to the garage today in this cold (any excuse will do). And there are “things” to do to spend time with Yonah and that's what I'll be “doing”. Thought of a run to market... left to be seen. - I'm literally exhausted at the moment and could, with no provocation, go right back to “snooze”... or even try for sleep. I wish I had a little cot... to set-up in Yonah's room. I might put that on my list. Shame, really, I don't have the one from Richford... Shame, really, I don't have a great MANY... GREAT MANY bits of my life-time on this shit-ball planet. (It's one of “those” days... but...) - 12.52 OK. So... This morning's lavage is on the rack... wet, unfortunately, the last coat of white is on the 2x4 for the PO sign. Nothing in today's post (thankfully). I've had my mid-days. And... I had yet another snooze from about 10-10.45. I'M SO TIRED TODAY! JUST REALLY SO TIRED! I could, right now, go back to l sleep yet again. But no. Oh... the SUN is SHINING in through the windows here, in Yonah's room, where she's basking (with tail spread to grab every bit of light and warmth) and I'm at the work table. BUT... the temperature is only 5° and the WIND is BLASTING! This morning's snow is gone from the mountains though. That's nice. Still... the radiator in the kitchen is on. Tomorrow “promises” sun and 14°. We shall see. I need to get fresh greenery for Yonah and I'd still like to get to the river to see about stones and such. We shall see. (Right now, I'd like to get back to the futon. I'm thinking of sleeping there tonight. The position seems to help with the pain. Hey! I have a futon... and a living-room. May as well make use of them.) - For the moment... I'm going to put this bits of the lap-top journal onto the servers and include the photos that didn't make it here. After? We'll see... time will tell. - Not sure what will be tonight's meal. I was thinking lettuce or some-thing of the sort... something that'll push the “tract” clean. But that would necessitate a trip... to market... and I'm NOT in the mood for such bull-shittery. There are rumours that the government is going to *MANDATE* some sort of “Covid Pass”, an *IDENTIFICATION* card to carry to prove vaccination! Fukkem! Fukkemall! And I just thought, this morning: Nell and her husband are NOT “residents” of New Russia, they're “New Jersyites”! And yet, as the so-called “pandemic” commenced, they high-tailed it up here... from OUT-OF-STATE!!! AND SHE'S GOT THE AUDACITY TO SPEAK TO ME OF “AVOIDING”? Well! We'll see how that rolls... or not. Arse-holes... the lot of them. - 18.25 Well! Yonah's photo page is now on the “Design” site/server”. For some reason, 3 attempts at up-loading failed but FINALLY... IT'S ON... AND I'VE SENT A DIRECT LINK TO THERESA! I'M THRILLED! There's more to note but I was going to add this to the on-lines and have decided not to. WordPress is a royal fukkup with their changes, the FTP is... I don't know. But... I'll just wait until later and see how it all works out. BUT YONAH NOW HAS A FULL “ALBUM” OF PHOTOS ON THE INTERNET AND I CAN SEND A LINK TO OTHERS... with-out connecting to this Journal... YAY! - 22.10 Got a message from Theresa this evening. THE LINK WORKED. EVEN THE LITTLE “MARQUEE” TAG THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY BEEN “DEPRECATED” IN NEWER BROWSERS! SHE SAW YONAH'S PAGE!!! I AM THRILLED! LITTLE YONAH... ON THE INTERNET! WOOHOO! YEAH! - The day has been worth the while. - And meal... pizza. I'll regret it. There's a slice left-over too. I just don't have an appetite these days. It's that “pain” which is now migrated to the groin. Oh well. Now, if only I could get some air into my lungs. - But it was a MAGNIFICENT day, all told. I even sat in front of Yonah's, with the door open. She seemed more “intrigued” than much else, but never made an attempt to bolt. I wonder why. She's comfortable in that cage now. She must know she's safe in there. And we talked for a while. She's still wary of my hands, but other-wise, I do believe that she knows that I mean her no harm at all. Ah well... in a few weeks we'll see how it all turns. I hope she doesn't think I'm “tossing” her when I set her free. I just hope the flock will take her in, she'll find a nice fellow and resume the life she was intended. (Though I fear harm... which I shouldn't. I hope she hasn't become acclimated to “people”. She appears happy when I'm in the room with her. “People” aren't even up to the standard of useless “shit”, really. But, we'll see...) - And I'm late. I wanted to try more “Mullberry”. Sadly, the 2 copies of 2 are worthless. And another from EP01. I've only one EP that's worth anything having. Oh... something more to work with/on. - Now... in from last smoke. The house is comfortable tonight, the furnace hasn't run all day, but the electric bill next month is going to be a hammer. Oh well... again. Life isn't eternal. - Shitboi had another “episode” tonight. Thankfully, all's settled at the moment. Let's hope for a good night's sleep for all... I probably should go for the futon. AND I want to wash bed-linens tomorrow... sun and 15° and all... if. Let's hope.
Tue.30.Mar:
***** 20.34 I'M PUTTING THIS AT THE BEGINNING BECAUSE THIS SHIT HAS TO BE INTENTIONAL THE SHIT-SACKS NEXT DOOR JUST CAME IN FROM BEING OUT FROM SINCE ABOUT 18.30 AND IMMEDIATELY, THE LITERAL STOMPING ON THE FLOOR, TWICE, TO THE POINT WHERE MY FLOOR ACTUALLY BOUNCED AND * ROLLED *!!!!! WHEN THEY'D LEFT, I WAS OUT LOOKING AT THE WINDOW SCREENS IN YONAH'S ROOM. THEY LEFT VIA THEIR FRONT DOOR, BOTH OF THEM, GOT INTO THE CAR. AS THEY DROVE PAST ON THE HILL, SHITBOI WAVED AND THE MISERABLE QUNT FEIGNED LOOKING AT HER PHONE. SHE'S A PIECE OF GRAND WHITE TRASH, THAT ONE. WELL... THIS INCIDENT WILL NOT GO WITH-OUT MENTION... AND, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, WILL BE RETURNED!!! I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS UNTIL JUNE... HELL TO THE FUCK-HELL NO! I WAS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, (typing this) AND I “COMMENTED”... ALOUD... “SPITEFUL COW!” I CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS HEARD. LET THE *WAR* COMMENCE!!! *****
7.44 and my left hip is SORE, SORE, SORE this morning. BUT... the bed-linens are on the line (and rack) on the pack gallery, the flocks are having breakfast, Yonah's “pool” water has been changed (poopies in, this morning), the last of the can of black paint is on the back of the bracket and drying, I've had a smoke and a half, up, dressed and coffee at hand. And I didn't get out of the bed, EVER-SO reluctantly, until about 6.30 which is when, with the second alarm, I laid there, in my robe, back brace round the buttocks, rather pissed-off at the world and just decided to FUCK THE WORLD, get up and DO what would bring ME some, ANY degree of “peace of mind”... which meant, the bed-linens washed. And so, here I sit, with Yonah's serenade wafting from her room, as the sun rises o'er the Eastern hills, into a mostly clear morning sky, and NOW, the frost begins to form on the cars next door. And I FEEL as if I'm about to simply drop dead at any moment now. It's one of “those” mornings. Last night? A FUCK UP THE COLON... WITH A WHITE-HOT, SPIKED PROD... to put it politely. - Indeed, I'd lain on the futon, in my robe, and had gotten into a position where-by, the hip didn't bother me but breathing was on the uncomfortable side of the spectrum. I was on my right side and, lately, I've been going to sleep on the left (which is some-thing I've never been able to do all my life, but lately, I just can't explain it and won't bother to try). Tried laying on my back, which is the position I usually take for “snoozes” and it's worked quite well-enough. Nope. That didn't make for comfort. So... after trying a few “adjustments”, I THOUGHT I found “the” position in which to get to sleep when... THE WHOLE LENGTH OF THE FUCKING LEFT LEG WENT INTO HORRIFIC CONTRACTIONS!!! FROM HIP TO TOES!!! FOR A MOMENT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS “IT”, THAT I WAS NOW PARALYSED AND WOULD HAVE TO FIGURE A WAY TO, PAINFULLY, ROLL OFF THE FUTON, ACROSS THE LIVING-ROOM, INTO AND THROUGH THE KITCHEN, INTO THE BED-ROOM AND TRY TO REACH THE PHONE (on the top shelf, of course), TO RING FOR EMERGENCY REMOVAL. OR... I COULD JUST LAY THERE UNTIL... Nope... not having that. “Emergency” would involve “hospital”, here-being the abattoir! OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO! Not only would I NOT be subjected to the ignorance and condescending disrespect, there'd be nobody here, come morning, to open Yonah's curtains nor to answer her “morning call”! FUCK THAT to the Fuck-that! And laying there, “waiting for God”? Oh... Better to take an invaders' Greyhound through HELL! Hearing Yonah in the morning, not knowing whether or not she had food, proper water, and the rest? OH NO! HELL'S HELL TO THE FUCK-THE-FUCK NO! SO... Pissed-off with the world and ALL of this pathetic “Creation”, I manoeuvred... tossing the sleeping bag, getting my feet to the floor and hoisting the rest of me up to start “the walk” about the house, in the hope of walking the pain off. Ah... BUT... YES! If ever there was ANY doubt, it's gone, gone, gone today: The hip pain MUST be a muscle or nerve, BUT the CONTRACTIONS ARE, WITH-OUT DOUBT, SOME-THING IN THE BACK that slips and pinches some nerve or nerves! It was the movement, re-positioning, that brought-on the contraction! Yep... I HAVE, most indeed, FUCKED my spine beyond... and all in the name of (a) being helpful and (b) too long a time of being in a state where “working for a living and earning keep”... hauling, dragging, pulling, lifting, hoisting... every-thing from “people” through the steel in the old barn at 5225... not to mention cleaning the barn, the garden, the lawn, the house at 5199 which, I DO believe, “ended” the entire damage process. (And, let's toss in what-ever it is that's ripping my insides apart these, more recent days... lungs, heart and nobody knows what else). Do I speak of? There's no sense in that. Nobody wants to hear, nobody wants to listen, nobody will do anything to alleviate, even if they could. (“I take a naproxen every day lately.” “Take 2...” said the qunt at the abattoir, as she decided “Vertigo” would be a great diagnosis, just before the “You have a nodule on the upper-right lobe that should be checked with a CT. I've referred you to my doctor.” Yeah? I wouldn't even say “Fuck you” because there's a remote possibility you might derive even a split second of some sort of pleasure out of it. I'd call you “qunt”, but even that's entirely too complimentary. Anyway... I'm venting here. It's the pain, the aggravation, the fatigue AND the fact that at about 4.30, when I woke for no apparent reason, the fucking furnace was running this morning! I laid there, listening to it for the brief while and dozed back to sleep... “Sleep”. As if... Then again... AGAIN... when I got out of bed, it was running AGAIN! Set at 60F! I checked the temperature at the registre... it's still “warm” so there must be some oil in there. But I became SO annoyed that it's off now... and the radiator in the kitchen is back on. The forecast for today is “15°” and sunny, which isn't all that warm, but a HELL of a lot better than the -1 (for a “high”) yet to come. So... NO FUCKING FURNACE... AND the radiators will be off at some point as well. OR... mayhaps not. After all, at the rate things are going, this “pre-occupation” with “bills” won't be of a length of time to cause any concern. (And all the while I'm thinking of Tucker Carlson, yesterday, on the news, saying that some “rather well-off people” he knows have already received their “multi-thousand” so-called “Stimulus” money and here I sit, where having that would be, at least, a little reprieve and delight. Hell! 100 gallons of oil for heat at the very least.) - Oh well then... I'm at the end of the rant. It's documented and out of the system, though the aggravation isn't. At least I DID get Yonah's water changed to clean AND the bed linens on the line before the in-shit-breed at the pee-oh rolls in. AND I got a coat of paint on the back of the bracket... because last night, I measured where it will go on the 2x4 and so, when I put a coat of clear on the back of the bracket and that's “cured”... ASS-embly time and out the door and onto the porch it goes (probably to be ripped apart by some blast of Westerly wind OR... as I'd sooner expect, removed by one or more of the local dolts). WHAT-the-fuck-EVER! - Time to glean the météo, the soc.med., see who/what wants to screw me to a brick wall or bolt me to a steel girder. If the world is clever at all (which it's proven it most certainly is NOT), they'll leave me alone until this passes... IF THAT is ever to be. - I should run to market for some items at some point during the day. I OUGHT to take the pallet in the garage apart for the lumber for Yonah's “stand” on the back gallery. I'd might like to sweep the road gravel into the drive (and I expect some moron to come by, as my linens are on the line, and start with the “blower” as they did last year, kicking dust into the air and onto my freshly washed linens). WHAT actually comes of this day will be seen... when THIS day too, is wrapped and put aside... tonight. - These are the words of today's epistle. - 20.13 The bed is made... FRESHLY LAUDERED LINENS!!! I'm behind in the hot water tonight, but all that really remains is... a shower! Indeed! WHAT a “productive” sort of day! Let's begin... by 7.30 the linens were on the line and rack and I got to snooze for about an HOUR! I NEEDED it too! After last night's fiasco and pain. At 11.15, checked to post. Nothing, No news... grand news. At noon, had my mid-day pills and by about 12.30... out the door and off to market! Ah... ANOTHER one of those days... I got to FamDoll to get a pack of smokes and a double kitchen roll and as I was walking into the store, AGAIN... I COULDN'T FIND THE BANQUE CARD! Thinking I'd left it at the house, I got back into the truck and headed back when... JUST at the top of the rise... IT WAS IN MY POCKET AGAIN! FUCK! So I turned round and went back to FamDoll for the 2 items needed and nothing more. Rylan was on. How refreshing. But I didn't stay long. I wanted to get back to Yonah!!! So, on to market where I almost RAN through the aisles, and NOT at all happy... THE PRICE OF ICEBERG LETTUCE... SLIGHTLY LARGER THAN A BOCCI BALL... 2,69$!!! FUCK! LAST TIME I GOT ANY IT WAS 99-CENTS! AND LARGER! BUT... I wanted lettuce, that was the main purpose of the trip today so... I got it. Minced turkey... WAY OVER-PRICED for such shit but... shredded cheese, ice cream, PopTarts, yoghurt... prune juice. Today's trip was, primarily, to “cleanse” and so... that's what it was. As I say, I almost RAN through the store and was out and on my way. - Not exactly sure when I got back, but by the time I did get back, round about 13.45 I imagine... THE BED LINENS WERE DRY! WOOHOO! So I pulled the canvass cover off the bed, tossed it into the basin to soak whilst I put the groceries up. When they were done, I washed to canvass, took the linens in and hung that on the line. - NEXT... A WALK DOWN THE ROAD TO THE RIVER... FOR MORE STONES FOR YONAH'S POOL AND... FRESH PINE (“TREES”)!!! I'VE WANTED TO DO THAT FOR SO LONG AND TODAY... I DID IT! Got several stones to try in the “pool”, 8 branches of pine (I believe it was 8), nice and fresh from young trees. And with pockets of stones and a bag as well... (as I walked along the river with stones in pocket, I thought “Virginia Woolf filled her pockets with stones, walked into the river, and drowned.” ... it would have taken nothing today, but for Yonah... and that the river isn't deep enough) I have to admit that it was rather quite an effort walking back. It's almost amazing, just how “weak” I've actually become of late. But I DID make it back and by 14.00 the work on the new “trees” and stones was well under way... It was almost 15.30 when I'd done and time to put the “turkey” on to cook... chop the lettuce and prep today's “meal”. It was non-stop, but I felt SO good, knowing there was fresh green'ry in for Yonah. - 17.00 was meal. I cut the lettuce as a salad (thinking of Oma telling of how Opa and she had gone to a restaurant once, Opa ordered the salad and when it arrived, it had been “torn”, not “cut” and he sent it back and demanded a “properly prepared” salad... I STILL prefer “cut” lettuce). Added some shredded cheese and the WELL-COOKED turkey which was well-seasoned. Made a bit of a “dressing” with ketchup, mustard and some vinegar and sat to eat by 17.01! It was quite satisfying... and rather nice on a day if sun-shine, warm sun, cool breeze. And the doors were open most of the day as well! - THEN CAME THE FIASCO!!! I'd cleared the table and went in to chat with Yonah a while when I discovered that the “pool” was almost EMPTY! When I looked at the cage... THE WATER WAS EVERY-WHERE! ALL OF THE FLOORING WAS SOAKED, RIGHT ACROSS THE ENITRETY OF THE CAGE! I STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT HAPPENED, BUT EVERY-THING HAD TO BE REPLACED! ALL OF THE PAPER AND SUCH! POOR YONAH! So I got to that IMMEDIATELY! THER WAS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO LEAVE HER IN THAT WET CAGE ALL NIGHT! SO SHE'S NOW IN COMPLETELY FRESH PAPER, UNDER THE PLASTIC LINER AND ALL. AND THE TRAY AT THE BOTTOM GOT CLEANED AS WELL TODAY! I still have to check to see where the water came from though... tomorrow's list of “To Do”. - That done, the washing-up followed and I went back in to “chat” with Yonah who...
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TODAY, AS I SAT TALKING WITH HER, SHE CAME TO THE FRONT END OF HER PERCH AND WE ACTUALLY “CHATTED”... COO'ING BACK AND FORTH! SHE DID IT THIS AFTER-NOON AND AGAIN THIS EVENING! I FEEL SO COMPLETELY HONOURED!!! WOW!
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And so, this all brings us to present... 20.48, where the shit-show of next door has been noted (damned shame I already sent the rent cheque... I'll “sleep on the idea” of sending a “formal, written, bitch” to Alden about it tomorrow. With this most recent cheque, my rent is paid through May now... and FUCK THIS! (They ought to be thankful that Yonah is here. Other-wise, I'd have this place turned to a living Hell! But there are other ways... and I'll be sure to think and make use of them... Imagine... POUNDING on the floor... as if they'd come in and JUMPED! Well... we'll see how it rolls... very soon... ever so very soon... - Now for hot water and a hot shower. Thankfully it's only going for 21.00. Sadly, the water won't be “up” until 22.00 and I'd like to be done by then. Not sure why... MY LEFT HIP IS STILL SO PAINFUL! So much for the naproxen... eh? But I've had a glass of prune juice as well, before the hot water... let's see what a bit of a “bomb cleansing” does. I can't say what the hip pain is from... I can figure out the contractions. But it's taking the very life out of me lately... I keep feeling closer to death... falling apart... (more reason to “pay back” the bull-shit). - 21.42 Well... it went all “calm” next door. I'm still on the boil. But last smoke, off to the shower and HOPE FOR SLEEP TONIGHT! Not planning on it but... WHAT A DAY! Rain tomorrow after-noon... and then... COLD AGAIN FOR A BLOODY WEEK! (I don't dare to check the oil.) - 22.20 Was getting ready to get into the shower when... KA-BOOM! Either the lettuce or the prune juice KICKED-IN! WAT'RY, indeed! I'm only JUST getting off the bowl! Well, this should be an “interesting” sort of night. And tomorrow... I'll know better than to have prune juice followed by hot water before bed! WOW!
Wed.31.Mar:
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 Tuesday, 02 March 2021 |
Monday, 15 March 2021 |
