Wed.1Aug: It’s 16.19 on Fri.3Aug. I’m back at ShlbrnPk, going through papers and sorting my… er… life, and I’ve NO idea as to what I did on this Wednesday… NO idea AT ALL!

Thu.2Aug: *BELLA.DONNA* The new jar is done. And 256-05465 is in effect. – This morning I left, round 11.45, headed slowly to Shlbrn. There, the PO (nothing), then on to TD (for 100). A zip down the road to the rocks of ShlbrnPk, where, on the shores of The Champlain… those precious little orbs of red, yellow-orange, green… the delicate flowers of purple and yellow… my ticket out… out… out to PEACE and the trip North… to… HOME. Imagine, softly drifting for only a bit, along the current and quietly going… Home. See you in a bit, Mamale! Just after the martimi. – And a quick stop at the Goodwill where I pondered rugs for Fran but couldn’t find anything that I thought she’d like, nor rugs that wouldn’t trip her. – Hannaford’s for donuts, breakfast cereal for dinner and back to Jricho… In time to get… another (3rd) POB! Well, I’m ‘here’ now. And the POB keys keep accumulating. This is my third addresse since I’ve arrived. And I arrived only 9 months ago! 9 months and 3 addresses. It wasn’t supposed to be this impossible! And, quite honestly, I’m at the end… THE END! – Got to the house by about 16.00. Woke Frn. We chatted on into the later hours of the night until about 23.00 when SHE decided it was time to sleep… AH HAH! Not moments later, she’s bugging about in her room, banging. Shows at table to get a smoke. Back into her room. Right. As I say: the end. – But the BDMartini is made. All is well.

Fri.3Aug: 16.27 ShlbrnPk and, well, time to hit the road again. -! Woke this morn at about 8.30, talked courts with Frn. Realised Shannon is TRULY giulty of embezzlement and NOT I! Then, feigning work, I was out the door by abiut 11.30… with no particular place to go. So… diwn the road to BrnsTrace to Rchmnd and BACK into Jricho on the 117 to the usual route to Goodwill and a pair of snap running pants that are cooler than jeans and better for the car (looking fwd to RedWing this evening. We’re now about 4 days to the “edge” and no place to pop). – Got new toilet seat cover and rug for the loo… for Frn. then headed here to sort through papers… in peace. – I’m actually looking forward to floating up the Champlain … SPD pulls in, turns round, my heart races. Floating up the Champlain. – Time to run again. – 23.58 Jrcho Just responded to a crgzlst bi guy Undrhl! Hey! WTF? I don’t care anymore! I WANT some SHIT! – Left the prk immed. Got gas and took the LONG way back, stopping at MlzRvrPk hoping to release some energy. Took the paths only to sweat! Fuk! – Back at the farm… nice salmon/pasta salad for dinner and I do dishes now. Hey, they’re clean. – We sat up until 20.30 again. And Sunday… Sunday I MUST get out AND AWAY!!! JS will be coming to pick Fran up for the day! That means the car has to be gone as well. Fran suggested parking off-grounds and sitting out back by the brook. Oh no! I don’t want to be in the town… or the county for that matter. Of course, no work, and thunder storms are threatened. La-dee-fukkinda! On the run, on the run. The joy never ceases. Well… it IS August.

Sat.4Aug: 15.26 MllsRvrPk on a knoll, in the woods, on my sheet, where I’ve been since about noon… Resting. Oh, and all the car-edging has been ended and a VERY quick and un-intended RedWing accomplished. – It’s extremely humid today and the shade doesn’t offer reprieve. No breeze either. But fresh, piney air and relative peace. (I wonder if the car is still in the lot and if so, wonder about a ticket. Never “real” peace.) I napped for about an hour… How “Tilden”. And oh how I do miss that today. – This morning’s house-chat went back to the courts: how stupid this whole matter is, the small amount involved, the fact that it was returned almost immediately, how much it’s costing the State, she wants me to have her e-mail addresse so I can keep in touch but not by phone (should I decide to leave). I told her, if I leave, I’ll be going to Mum’s. No reaction. She understands. How much bail could they set on such a small amount and again, the stupidity of it all. At once, she’s comforting AND dis-comforting. And my insides are paying. – I replaced the bath rug and seat cover before showering. The loo is clean. – At about 15.00 a call, followed by text from Silas. I could be in jail and my “friend” would have no idea. Oh well. – This having come to VT has proven to be an error. Today I wush I could be under my tree… in the Bakfort, resting. – Now, I think I’ll head back to “The Hill” for the day… Air conditioned abd WiFi. Not certain… pondering. – Another RedWing would be delightful too… before “ending” this day in the woods. – It’s quite quiet here. – OH! Am now in corresp. with the “Advert” from local! Too bad he’s bi. But, how interesting for me. – Reminding me: Another broken tooth today… upper left… on a PopTart! FML indeed.

Sun.4Aug: 22.38 A bad start to the day with a message from SB: telling me what I need to do r/t court! Pissed me right off! Though he rang thrice, left no message and I didn’t answer. In no mood. And if he’s interested in my welfare at all, he should leave a message saying so. Look, he’s working because of my guidance, support, &c. I did my duty (and the World fukked me for it). Done. – Cleaned the house whilst Fran went to church. Then off fir cigarettes… all the bloody way to Essex! BooniePodunk here. – Got back and fixed the screen-house and prepped for “major storm” (turned out to be some wind and rain) and spent the day here. Not too bad, all told. – Corresponding with a 39yo fellow on Ftlf who got me riled at first but it turned OK. Boots. Indeed. – Chicken, mashed and stuffing for dinner tonight. – A delight. – All in bed now… hopefully for a quiet night. Work at 7.00 tomorrow.

Mon.6Aug: 10.50 at work. Painful morning. My right hand, my back… and bowels. One of those dsys when Death would be most welcome. – Restless night last night. And Sparky scratching on the futon through the night, keeping me awake. I generally have anxieties about Fran waking through the night, so Sparky only added to them. – When I left at about 6.00, LeeAnne arrived with the kids and I was taking the garbage out. Looking useful. Thankfully. – Drove into work via Hinesburgh this morning and what a truly delightful drive! And made it to work right on time. A beautiful morning: absolutely clear air after last night’s rain. Almost amazing! – As I peajed on Irish Hill and saw the Adirondacks I thought of how lovely it would be to simply go to them… to never leave them… ever again. I’m in that mode… and in that mood. – Pain and fatigue. – Now, this morning, what to do to stay away from the house until 15-17.00. Still “running”… running… moving. No rest, just NO rest. – 21.56 and laundry is drying in the Community Room. After work, I stopped at the banque: 85bloodyfukking dollars! Yup: Fukme HARD! – Hannaford’s for something to eat. MllsRvrPk at a picnic table. Was planning on a repeat of the recent RedWing but the place went all “family”. VT is on my last nerve! – Spoke with Silas who offered NO help, lip-service to what *I* NEED to do. Fuk HIM! And so, to the house to sit and chat with Fran until coming here at about 21.00. – Well, at least the laundry is getting done… at last. FML. – But interesting chats are developing on FtLf… all VERY long distance. – Oh, and my case still has yet to appear on the calendar. Fukfukfukfukfuk!

Tue.7Aug: 13.13 Clientchkl and a perfectly busy day after his little bitch- fest. Now, I need to stay awAke! –
*** 20.52 Jrcho: OK NOW! MOST IMPORTANT NOTE OF THE DAY… *** I’m browsing the calendar for the courts, as has become my pre-occupation, on the iPod. Ms. Fran is shopping, on-line, for cars… for ME to buy on my assets total of 40$… when I ask,
“What’s pre-arraignment?”
“That’s what you have.”
“Oh.” says me, “The calendar doesn’t put a name on listings for pre-arraignment.”
“Oh.” says Madame I-Know-All-About-All, “I thought they did.”
WHAT THE FUK? I’m fukked AGAIN! Listening to somebody who APPEARS to know what the bloodyfuk they’re talking about and when, in reality, they don’t. – I SO want to go back to NY now! *****
Meanwhile, Mr.Fckient let me out 2hrs early… atty consult (I’ll be losing that income next) so I headed to ShlbrnPO (nothing) and off to Jrcho. En route, took what cash I had and put in a full tank o’petrol and got Ms.Fran a pack of cigs since her machine broke. She shared hers when I needed… and JrchoPO (lettre posted yesterday arrived!) Then to the house for a bit. The other lettre arrived at the house as well!) and BACK into So.Burl for a dinner-meeting that did not much, even in food. – By 19.30, back on the road. Nick got his at last and a pair of hikers went out the window. (I’ll be giving up on them and theirs now, in prep…). – 62mi already since the fill-up this evening! FML! – I’m quite exhausted and look it! – Add: Tonight Fran says she wouldn’t blame me if I just left VT BUT “I need to know if you’re planning on going back.” BECAUSE SHE PUT IN FOR A 2-BEDROOM… “… and if you leave, I can’t afford it on my own…” Implication: I stay, I pay!

Wed.8Aug: 23.31 A bad day in general: FORGOT that I had to be at work at 7.00! Called at about 11.00! -Went to ShitbinPO, nothing. – Met with SB and he drove to Hannaford’s for food. Lunch at the over-look. He wants me to move to Rchfrd, 3 bed-room at 575$. People are depending on me to cover their rent whrn I csn’t afford a bloody CAR! – Stopped at KnyDrg Shitbin for cigs. (1 for me, 1 for Fran) Kid there has same b’day! Leaving, saw MikeDysInn turning on Rte.7. Don’t know if he saw me. – I get terribly ill when in Shitbin. – Drove back to Jrcho. – Up-dates on FtLf. – And that covers it.

Thu.9Aug: 19.11 Did NOT want to wake this morning and it went weird from there. Fran took dizzy and ill jyst as I was prepping to go to work in Williston. But she told me to go and so I did. – Half a tank of gas AGAIN! Fukme! – At the client’s home, had to park on a hill (driveway). The brakes are shit and the “intro” was annoying. But the fellow and wife are a delight, as was the CLEAN home! – Was supposed to text SB at 17.00 but came right back to Jrcho… AND CLEANED! Soda cans!!! A whole trash bag of stray cans! THEN… 2 plates of FOOD!!!!! Hidden under the crap in the kitchen!!!!! From Dvn’s kids! DAYS AGO! Stench, dirt, filth and old food! THIS again, is my Hell! – I’m done cleaning. Threw the cans and garbage out. Hoovered. The duster is missing. FML. – Beginning to rain gently, and I’m TIRED! But… as is the saga of my existence, no chance for sleep… no sleep. I want to be dead. -22.38 Evening went fine. Fran said she’s not used to somebody doing the cleaning. I assured her it isn’t a constant. As we talked, a FROG came in! As of now, it’s behind something, somewhere and neither of us is particularly “concerned”. Nice to be back in the “country”. A wood-land creature comes into the house, out of the night rain and there’s no panic. – Fran’s in watching TV, I’m on the cot. Shitbin in the morning.

Fri.10Aug: ***** Vermont Sheriff: Jericho Centre, en route back from work, TICKET FOR INSPECTION 99$ TICKET FOR DRIVING WITHOUT LICENSE 156$ *****
10.36 at work. Last evening’s intake is kicking at me. Breakfast cereal followed by a salad. The painful runs first thing this morning. On the road, I had all to do to make it to work with-out a “stop in the woods”. Cramps and such. I used to worry about this when on the subway. It’s little different in a car; finding a place, even here in ruralistic VT, to take a shit. But I made it in to work… just in time. – The day went very well… at work. I’m growing quite attached to this guy and the wife. He’s not doing well and it actually hurts quite a bit. But we do the very best possible for him. – When I left work, I was exhausted and drained from the cramps and such so I stopped at the ShlbrnPO, got cigs at Kinney and headed right to Jricho (ERROR!). – All was going fine until Jericho Centre: many cars on the road and the lead going about 10mph, and what comes round the bend in the opposite direction? The VT sheriff! I KNEW he saw the inspection sticker on the windshield and sure enough, he did! Pulled me over, gave me the ticket for the inspection and told me that I’ve been a VTer since day 31! But my drivers’ license HAD EXPIRED… in VT!! I’ve been driving without one! HOWEVER, he was polite, courteous and quite nice through the entire experience. As Fran says, they ARE quite nice. He asked if there was someone who could come get me because he couldn’t let me drive without a license. When I told him of Fran he told me to park in the fire dept lot, he’d write the tickets and leave… I say no more… he said no more. He wrote the tickets, was kind and respectful, and… he left… I left. – Tonight, I happily report, Bonnie and Clyde re-insured the car! Stupid Clyde failed to recall that the previous card was IN the vehicle. And Clyde is currently in “If I’m going down the road of destruction, I’m going down LOUD and I’m going down HARD and I’m going down making-up for a pussy-assed 56 years of being a bloodyfukking pansy!” mode. -It was a good, but late night… and I WANT a bloodyfukking VODKA!

Sat.11Aug: 22.51 A day in the house… and not much more to say on the matter. – First thought of this day, immediately as I woke: the BDM… Not coffee, not a cigarette, not even going to the loo… The BDM. I want “Peace” and I’m SO tired of all the anxiety and stress and tension. – It was rather OK though. Talked with Fran most of the day. Attended to my “Net” work (the socials and such). We harvested many tomatoes out back. She’s so proud of them, and rightfully so. – Hell! I bitch about the shit that I’m going through and she’s losing her sight in addition to having lost her mate! – The guy from CrgsUndrhl sent a photo: WOW! OK! – To bed at mid-night! I tried to fix an old rolling machine… Fran “sent” me to bed.

Sun.12Aug: 7.11 Work. Made it! Didn’t want to get up though… EVER! – The ride in? Foggy! Especially in the WinooskiRvr valley. But, I made it! Realise now that my back pain is stress and tension, mostly due to the car! I was relatively good until the drive began. And this morning I notice a slight “klunk” in the brake! – Fran will be with JSan today… Fukme! It’s supposed to rain so going to the park to rest is out. It rained last night, wet this morning… no “sheet on the lawn”. – I can’t help but think that coming to VT is a HUGE mistake! All these years I’ve managed a clean Hx to be destroyed in a mere 9 months! It just might be time to return to NYC. I don’t want to… but it’s getting to the point where… – 15.27 MlsRvrPk on my knoll, RedWinging as I journal. The weather favoured me, as did the very circuitous route taken to get here. That was most amazing, quite beautiful. Too bad I’m on ,25tank of gas, poor tyres and the stress of yet another ticket. The drive would have been… dare I say… awesome! – But I’m here, relaxing as the mosquitoes feed off me, hoping the weather will hold (and me too) for another 2,5hrs (which I’m also hoping will be enough time to rid the county of JSan). – SB has proven a waste. Whining about having to walk with 40lb sack on his route… yet, going to the movies (with parents). Says “we need” to get me out if BTV/Shitbin and away from them all. Once again, when I need a friend… here I am… on my knoll. – I’ve resolved to working on local hook-ups from here on. I’ve spent too, TOO much time being cautious and concerned. Again: If I’m going down, I’ll go down… going down. – 16.00 Pop! – 17.04 Just waking from a glorious nap, as the breeze blows through the trees, and I lay on the needle-strewn wood-land floor. Pines and birch, the cool breeze and me… alone. Delightful. -17.25 Pop! – 17.51 Wrapping up to head out. A bit tired. A bit hungry. Not looking forward to (I wonder if it hasn’t been towed) driving the 1km to the house I’m not looking forward to being in sll night. Oh well… Oh Hell. – 24.15 FINALLY getting to bed! – Spoke with PJ this evening. SO GREAT to hear his voice. And all the info he gave on the courts was stupendous! He even offered to come to VT to defend me! It’s a great comfort: he said “People know you’re not the kind who takes advantage…” Thank you PJ. – And the evening? Went well enough. Turned sour when Fran started telling me that I need to buy a car (knowing I don’t have the money). Then, at midnight she proceeds to look at cars on-line, under the assumption I’ll get the money from PJ! Then I told her that I will not drive a red car… “For somebody walking on the edge you’re being so picky!” OK. End of talk, end of my temper… and Fran storms of into her room and shuts the door. – I’m tired of this…

Mon.13Aug: 10.01 I slept until 9.15… interrupted. Phone rang early (5.01 Dvn. Needs baby-sitter. Fran didn’t answer), pitter-patter. – DREAM: Mum at the wheel of the car, the sound of a bird chirping in the upper left-hsnd corner of the windshield, but no bird, she was distracted and we slowly veered toward the right side of the road and over a cliff. I grabbed the wheel and had to push to keep the car from going over the edge! – Meanwhile, Fran took all the cigarettes into her room this morning. No doubt she’ll carry last night into this morning. – It’s another over-cast day which means not safe driving for me. And I have to go to So.Burl. this evening! – I calc’ed car-related expenses needed BEFORE buying the car… Almost 500$!!!!! And that’s BEFORE BUYING! (And there sits Fran… Ms. Oblivious… car-shopping! OFML SERIOUSLY!!!!!) – Delightful mood to start the day. (PYOOK) – 14.14 Yup… carrying last night into next month and beyond. Piss-ass mood, that one. Not speaking. Grimmace. Just miserable. Me? Don’t care. Can’t care. Got gas (20$ of my own cash) and a pack of smokes. Big adventure! Then… Posted for a ride to NYC the week of 10 Sept. Figuring I’ll get paid on the 6th, contribute to gas; go to storage to arrange things (maybe bring back TENS? for the meanwhile); if need be stay at 30th Street a day if two; come back, mail things down; go back to storage to store; return to The North Country; BDM! and Buh-bye by Autumn! Checking-out. Finished. Done. – Right now, I’m tired again, need to leave here at 16.15 orso. 3 hours of bull-shit for the Phleb-thing. And sge’s sitting here at table, not speaking. Fukdis! I sat out-side all morning, dozed, all because I’m UNcomfortable here. (And she tells me this us my “home”… NOT!) – Making my “NYC v. VT” list: NYC is winning.) – 14.37 Madame was engaged in trying to hook a garden hose to the shower (presuming she’s cleaning the pool). Pissed-off in the loo. I asked “Could you use a hand?” “Nope.” Then, a washer, lost down the tub drain, throwing “the bitchin’ thing in the garbage” and BANG! Locked ourself in our room. A delightful day in Jrcho. I want OUT of HERE. And oh: last night I offered to bring the insurance paper to mgt. “You should keep a low profile.” OK. Now what? NYC then BDM. – 22.16 I’ve been in the house from since 21.08. Fran was in the shower. She came out, went directly into her room, closed the door. I am officially fed-the-fuk-up with this infantile bull-shit. – The “orientation” for Phlebotomist went well (I drove there and back). Though all that was offered for refreshments: cookies and… water! No coffee! Anyway, my apptitude test is tomorrow evening 19.45-21.45 in BTV! PrlSt! Where shall I park? – And so, as THUS night draws down and out, it’s time to pack some things together and get them into storage… in OzonePark! Yup… Officially fed-the-fuk-up. – 23.41 Day is done. A new WordPress Journsl for these BTV days (LoupNordique), all I’ve eaten all day is 6 cookies and two PopTarts and some coffees. Madame is still locked in her room. And tomorrow night I havd a 2-hour apptitude exam. Fed-the-fuk-up.

Tue.14Aug: 9.28 Back porch Jrcho. I woke this morning, at 8.25. Why? Just to be “not asleep”. Madame woke, to the loo, and returned to her chambre, there to return to HER sleep. I have a 2-hour test this evening at 19.45. SHE has… Oh! What-the-fuk-ever. I am pre-occupied with returning, in some fashion, dead or alive, to either NY or QC. I am… pre-occupied. – A day here (NO!) or on the wood-land floor (to be able to nap). The woods are a brief walk away. The weather report threatens rain. And the ANG fighter planes take to the air. The “fighter” planes. The World is a battle, and I am tired. fed-the-fuk-up with it… all. – If I am chosen for this Phleb training, it will mean:
.8 weeks of full-time, non-paid training.
.Minimum of 4 hours homework EVERY night.
.Minimum of 6 hours homework EVERY week-end.
.No income.
.No peace here.
.No sleep or rest here.
It’s added to what already makes me sick. And I begin day 2 of not eating. – As more fighters taje to the skies. – Don’t it make y’wanna go home? –
19.33 DOL for the apptitude test. – Well, the SHIT begins… – Franny woke at 11.00, in the throes of a Pity Party! Then goes off on me about the night before last. I gave a diversion speech, complete with ego-stroke, taking blame, yaddayadda then fixed breakfast for both of us (ME TOO!) – As we finished she asked when I had to be at work and when I told her about this test and not having work today…
“We’ll get through this! It’ll be fine! We’ll do what-ever it takes! At least you don’t have to worry about rent.” And then…
HELLO MARGOT! “I have a project for you…” HELLO MARGOT! Clean the fridge… So, we did. – It got to be 16.00 and she says
“You need to take a nap!”
I say “I’ll open the cot for a half hour.”
She says “No. Go in my room, close the door.”
I say “I’ll be fine for half an hour.”
“What if I want to do something?”
(OK. It begins… WTF would she HAVE to do for THAT half hour that CAN’T get done whilst I’m away?) Well, I did NOT nap… I showered. BUT!!! After my shower I went to make a coffee in my FAVOURITE glass mug… it fell into the sink and BROKE! FML! I told Fran it’s becsuse I’m TIRED! No reply. I left. – The drive to BTV (as is ANY drive these days) was horrid! Watching for any indication of yet ANOTHER arrest or something of that sort. But I made it and at 19.00. – Whilst waiting, I rang PJ and we talked until it was time to be “apptituded”. Talking with him does my heart much good these days and he’s a remarkable person. – The test: Done in an hour. I wanted SO much to sleep! But managed to muddle through. (Admittedly, the stress of driving adds to my constant fatigue.) I was out and back on the road, in want for cigarettes (in a state that goes dead at 20.00). – And THEN… driving along the 2… It looked a bit “dark” on the road so I pulled into the Mobil and, for shitzengiggles, checked the head-lights… YUP! ADD to the already piled-high bull-shit… ONE HEAD-LIGHT OUT! AND, of course, as I pull onto the Industrial? RED PLATE! My gut cramped! But, I made the trip quite well… just like a Vermonter… talking with PJ all the way. (Fukkit! I’m on the ShitRd already. It’s not illegal here but… fukkit!) – Talked with PJ for the longest, in the parking lot. He’s inspriational and supportive and just GREAT! He and I are frighteningly similar in many ways. And talking with him cuts the distance. – I came into the house, revived… So much so that we didn’t head to sleep until sbout 1.30. – Another day gone. – I’m now seriously weighing: to stay or go from here. NY feels better at every passing moment. I could get more education here but I don’t know I’ll survive. I don’t know that I even wsnt to try. NY, at least Northeastern, seems to beckin: come home. There will be MUCH thinking in the coming days… MUCH!!!!!

Wed.15Aug: 21.17 Fran went out this morning and I worked on the auto-inspection. Wanted some Nick’n’RedWing time but got into the “art” and the LN Journal. The Journal is getting up to date today. The “art” is, thus far, pretty good in the window (as it were). It got me to and from the WalMart where I got the head-light! It’s not the same bulb as the other but, it illuminates! – Pizza-we-made for dinner tonight and now, Fran’s on the line with her Prstn. Me? Looking forward to a shower and at least SOME sleep TONIGHT (but I seriously doubt that’ll happen). – 23.49 Dishes done. Franny has announced that she’ll have the wicked grand-child for a few days… no mention of “when” so I’m pretty much shot out of the chance at the courses now. – She waltzed out a few moments ago and returned, just now, almist mid-night, to park at the computer! I don’t understand it: Do nothing all bloody day, have time for a nap, then BEGIN bull-shit at MID-NIGHT! Margot! Worse than the Shelter… – Tonight, for fux sake, I’m looking for a place… in Plattsburgh!

Thu.16Aug: 00.23 Precious little in Plattsburgh… hoising ir job. – Meanwhile, I’m getting sick from tired and she’s still at the computer! – 8.55 through 9.09 and all time trying to get my voice-mail! Phone connection was ZILCH! Fuk! – This morning, I fell asleep, on the cot, in the living-room with the over-head light on… Familiar? 2.00am and the over-head light is still on. 30th Street!!! This whole place is one big 30th Street! (And now, 9.13, she’s got some SCREAMING Rock thing playing from the computer… Oh, radio station, “Classic Rock”. – I’m out on the porch… awakened at 8.00, by the thump on the table, clunck on the kitchen counter, trickle of coffee in the mug, and stenxh of rolled pipe tobacco cigarette. SHE’LL be napping at noon… as I’m on my way to work. – A thought: FoodStamps… she’d like me to use mine to contribute to the house-hold. I’m WORKING to EARN my food! And RARELY am I here to eat anything. Not to mention, the freezers won’t close and the fridge is stuffed with shit. GO TO HELL! – Meanwhile, I’m down to one cigarette this morning and… SURPRISE! I’m SO tired! – Thought this morning: BDM IN the lake! – PJ recommends I visit the PublicDefender’s office. I’ve 2 traffic tickets, 2 points on my license, a 99$ fine, 700 in collections and… a BDM in my back-pack… and my guts are wrenching.

Thu.16Aug: Continued… 11.05 and still on the porch… silent, tired, out of cigarettes, and Madame in the kitchen. – I’ve managed to put Aug.notes on-line and post a light-hearted link to the LN Journal to Nancy and PJ. – The sun is breaking over the roof and warming the air. A few birds are squaking but everything’s generally calm, and I keep dozing . – 18.32 JerUndrhlLib And I now have a library card HERE! – This morning, I dozed deeply and woke at 11.30… I had to be at work by 13.00! So, in silence, I shuffled to the shower, bathed, dressed and departed. I was at the Client’s by 12.30 (un-paid time but at least I was out of the house before having to listen to bull-shit). – The hours at work just zipped by! Aside from the opinionated “You MUST marry!” of the Christiandom, it was quite pleasant. – A quick stop after, to get a matching head-light and I headed back, forgetting that the Farmers’ Market is today! No nap in the park!
And I’m exhausted! – Last minute decision was to come to the library. Does nothing for Nick, but it keeps me out of the house a while longer. This place is MAGNIFICENT! And I’m all but “on” for exhibit of water-colours! Imagine? As I’m in mind-set to get the fuk out of here. Typical. – Then, an e-mail: MOTEK in BTV… TOMORROW! Why? And for how long? And me with no place to offer him “home”! Fukmefukmefukme! Well, there’s nothing I can do about it. And here I am, planning on leaving VT (Life or BDM). Again… typical. – 18.45 and dozing again. Work tomorrow at 7.00 Yes, that’s in the morning. I need to find some-where to SLEEP tonight! Also, I’m now hungry and have NOTHING to eat! Let the fun begin. – Will try to stay here until 19.00 then go change the head-lampe. DooDahDooDah! – 21.25 JrHl I did stay until 19.00 and, in the parking lot, rang Motek. The job for tomorrow fell through. He won’t be here. I’m saddened and yet relieved. It was only planned for the day anyway. When I told him of my intentions to return to NY, he immediately said “We will be here to welcome you with open arms.” I almost cried. I think I need to go “home”… soon. We talked a while and even as I drove to the house. And now, there’s a palpable hole in my being… where NY must be returned. – The other bulb is changed on the car. The headlights now match. The bulbs that were in there were almost 20$ each, but nuch brighter. Night driving now becomes interesting. But we’ll manage. – When I walked into the house, at approximately 20.18, the Owner was (and still is) snoring in deep sleep! FukMe! She’ll wake at 22.00 or even later and wake ME! And I must be at work at 7.00 tomorrow! See? I KNEW this would be the case! – I got to the canned goods brought from Shitbin and put some into the cupboard and for me, 2 cans of Prgrso soups… cold, for meal tonight. – That said, I’m getting sleepy and must change to go to the car for the night. I’ve half a mind to open the cot though, dress for a night in the car (prepped for a hasty mid-night retreat). But the car will be… better… again. (She can offer her home, then retract in this manner. This is “friendship”.)
*****I WILL GET TO MONTRÉAL BEFORE THIS KILLS ME*****

Fri.17Aug: 5.17 A cold night of no sleep in the car. She was up at 3.15 and is still up as I try to get ready for an 8hr shift. – 6.37 At work in Shtbn. – When the alarms sounded this morning, I had only skept in bouts of moments through the night. At 4.58, first alarm, I looked in, from the car, to see her scurrying about inside. I folded the blanket, tossed it into the trunk and went in to shower. She’d locked herself in her room, TV blaring. I had my tap-water instant coffee and, as I sat to enter the brief note, she comes out to comandeer the loo! – Next thing, she sits at the table, puts a paper in front of me and says “When you have time, you need to fill this out.” Some reg. for the car! As if I care. Me? I simply got up, in silence, went to the shower. – The rest of the morning passed in silence. – My guts are horridly knotted this morning. – I texred SB to ask if he can help me with gas for the car. The tank is almost EMPTY and I have NOTHING until Tues. (and 100 of anything must go to VT on. ticket!) – 7.28 Reply to my gas req: “Sure.” Bless you dear boy! Bless you!
DREAM: It’s night, dark. I’m in the car, leaving a parking lot, large and in neglect. I’m in a bit of a rush to leave and am unhappy about some event. I turn the key… the car won’t start! The parking brake won’t hold and thd car beguns to roll backward! I can’t stop it! A young (20-something) Black woman comes to the car and tells me not to worry, it’s happened to others. She has some-where I can go for help. Shr leads me through a dimly lighted alley-way. We come through to a grafittied, cynder-block alley and down some stairs. It’s what’s left of Nbrg, falling apart. We came out on what used to be the corner of Fullerton and Broadway but there was no street at all… just darkness, remnants of street and a narrow sidewalk. Cinderblock walls, painted hundreds of times, falling apart, not repaired, just painted over to keep the blocks from disintegrating. Dark. At another set of corner stairs, leading into a door that I couldn’t see, a stained, aged, old plastic light cover with “Fine Dining” imprinted in blue script. What used to be Lentini’s! I said to the young woman “This WAS Lentini’s but, in more recent years became “Somebody and Somebody” but I can’t remember who. We both struggled to remember… I was waking out if sleep and the dream, heavily saddened in both dream and reality: Nbg had gone completely to waste, vandals, and there’ be nothing to save it. I woke, brief moments before the alarms.
-8.05 It’s taking my all to stay awake! I view Fran’s refusal to adjust her insanity to let me sleep peacefuly as unadulteraed selishness and I know she’ll pay dearly. Stealing sleep from me is stealing my “best” support, help and service for my patients! Steal from me and she steals from them. She keeps repeating that “this is your home” but she goes all out to make it Hell! -This is NOT “home”… at all. – 21.11 After work, a trip to the ShitbinPO for nothing. Then up to the office to give insurance car/me papers, change addresse and post hours. All well. – Changed clothes in the car in the parking lot (I’m getting quite good at it here… VT) and down to the car wash just to get the bloody HAIR out of the car! I think it cost me something like 7$ to get the damned car relatively clean! Fuk the hair! Not even mine! – Had time before SB was due back so hung a but at ShitbinPk working on a Pro/Con list, NYC/VT. NYC is winning… by a VERY long shot! – Met SB in his parking lot. We talked on the phone right up to his arrival. Drove the Staller up to get 43$ gas. I owe him… again. But I owe him even more for saving me today… gas on Empty! – We headed back then took his car to market. Ate at overlook. It’s bern a while since last we did. He tells me I’m his only Friend in VT and… he’ll begin looking for a place we csn share… up NORTH by his work! OK! (This better turn reality!) – When I keft this evening, I took the Kenyon drive back, and Tarbox! Tarbox is a 1-lane dirt, like old Dingle Daisy! – When I arrived at Misery, Madame was all talkative and then… At 20.46 the HITEC call… Interview 1 on Tue. I should be celebratory but now comes the anxities: no sleep, no rest, no peace. Now I begin… worry, anxiety, stress, tension. Truthfully though, I don’t care. I just don’t care. She’ll fuck it. You watch. – Tired at 20.20. She went to bed at about 21.30… Yeah, and by about 23.30 she’ll be up at the coffee. – I need some sleep… now!

*****I WILL GET TO MONTRÉAL BEFORE THIS KILLS ME*****

Sat.18Aug: 7.00 and a temperature of… 14•! (And it’s the same in Albequerque! Imagine that.) A day that would be perfect for rolling over and snoozing, or getting on the road to explore. But here… no. Here, I’m awake, pondering how to get away! Get out! Escape! If I were in the Shelter (NYC) this morning, I could pull the blanket up, close my eyes and doze. But here, it’s a matter of “RUN RUN RUN RUN AWAY!” – But I still can’t believe I got the interview. But of course I did… because I can’t possibly dedicate all the needed time. I can’t get the needed rest. I can’t do the studying. Of course I’ll get this opportunity… – And now, as I tap this entry, I hear little Sparky at the water bowl, see him wanting to go out. Something to do. And the Madame moans off in her chambre. She bemoans her fate of facing the morning… and soon again, she’ll be flat-out on her BED… for yet another 5-6hour nap, on into the early night, to wake when the Real World will be needing sleep, so she can again, become the pain in the arse to those of us who are exhausted… – 7.13 IT stirs, comes to the door, ignoring me completely… completely. “This is your home.” This is your GrandFuk. – Welcome morning… I want to pyook! (not simply puke). – Fuk! – As SB put it yesterday: “Because Fukyoo!” – 7.16 And the sound of coffee being chuggled into a mug… I can’t even get an extrs 10-20 minutes of down time! – Again, this morning, I begin the day… irritated. Fukyoo! – 13.55 MlsPk picnic table. A most wonderful morning at the JericHill lib where images got posted to the LN Journal, e-mails were checked, schedules were printed and I was informed that the Curator of Art will be contacted r/t my exhibit. Indeed, lovely. – Notified Rbn of inavailability come Tues. Responsibility covered. – And now? And now, the sun is delightfully warm, but when it’s blocked by cloud, there’s a chill, an actual chill in the breeze! It’s the “August” I recall from years ago in The North Country. There will be uncomfortably warm days to come and uncomfortably chilled days, as blood gradually thickens from water to sludge. Even today, the greens of trees are dulling. One can see the ending of the Summer and spot the gradual approach of Autumn. Isn’t it strange how, after SO many years of City-living, country things like instincts and noticing these changes, sensing deer at the road-side, still linger, waiting to be called upon? Once upon a time I thought it “Blessed”, today, all things considered, I don’t give a flying rat’s butt. – 2 young women stroll along the Meadow Path. Neither is anything remotely “slim” or “slender”. Neither is “stunningly attractive”. Both are “Northern”… even what I’ve come to think of as “Vermont”… P.L.A.I.N. The heavier of these wears an ankle-length skirt of drab grey, exceedingly non-descript fabric, solid colour. She holds the left hem-line above ground, in her left hand. She allows her arm to sway, quite gently, lady-like. The skirt follows the arm’s lead. A taller, thinner woman taking such a stride would appear dignified, elegant. This time, however, one can only think: “Wasted effort Dear. It’s just not working for you.” Yet, I marvel; a trace of sophistication, even here, in some rather remote spit-stop town in rather rural VT. I do marvel. – Now to nap, hopefully in the sun. The park is relatively empty. Parks in this state are lost efforts… the entire state is a park… and every centimetre privately owned. Sad… quite sad. – 24.43 Never got to nap. Spoke with PJ for almost 3 hours until the phone went dead. Then headed up to the Plow Hill (as I will call it from now on) and was there for only moments with Nick. Then back down and to the gas station for smokes and to The Hole. – This evening I simply sat at table, popped a tin of Progresso lentil and a ChefBoyRD ravioli, right in front of Fran. I don’t care. I ate. Then she made chicken livers and said the remaining are for me tomorrow… TOMORROW she has Dvn and kids. I’d like to see Dvn but not the kids so I’m faced with anither escape. Am hoping SB comes throygh, but, I doubt he will. – Tonight Fran and I taljed as if all in the world is well… – E-mail from Nancy!!!! YAY! – And now… try for a nap.

Sun.19Aug: 23.43 Notes on a pretty damned lovely Sunday: – I woke at 7.00 but stayed on cot til Ms.Fran left for church. She did tip-toe about this morning, trying to make no noise. I simply feigned sleep. – As soon as she left, I bolted, put my bed away and as I had morning tap coffee, I washed dishes, scrubbed counter-top. On to Hoovering the carpet, scrubbing the kitchen floor. – All the work done, showered and finished as she returned. I just kept moving firward and quicly headed out the door. FREE! – Off to AC Moore for insp paper… none. – Messsges from SB to get together!!!! Yay! I looked firward to seeing him today. He’s like my Comerade-In-Vermont-Misery… a fellow “Flatlander” who still understands the shit we experience here. Fran’s been here so long that it’s become “normal” for her (SB and I are in agreement on that as well). – Off to Michael’s for their last 2 sheets of insp paper (barely affordable at ,69cents each)! It was yet another relief, in spite of spending most of the bit of cash I have to my existence. But I accomplished my goal and now, off to spend time with a Friend… – Drove to SB. He brought me 2 curry-turkey burgers. DeLish! I was hungry… un-like when I’m at the house in Jericho. He wanted a “creemee” so we were off, in the Staller: to Al’s Frys for “Creemees” (fukking VT idiots: soft ice cream… creemees). – After ice cream, as we sat in the car, SB called about a flat in N.Troy! We’re beginning the move… together! It excites and yet, makes me nervous. I can’t afford the split of expenses, yet, if I stay in Jericho, I know I’ll be floating up the Richelieu soon. Yet another “Close your eyes and jump.” – Must add: SB impressed with insp. – Drove back to SB’s, , changed cars, and off to Hannaford’s for “food”. The for a brief stop at over-look to eat and Much much talk about VT and moving and such. (It’s been hard on both of us, coming here and going through the Love/Hate that this place puts one through)) – All said, it was a Good day with Good Friend. – I drove almost directly back. Headlights are fine. – At The Pit, all well. And in order. I got right to printing corrected insp. – Talked with Fran about Cancer and such. – She suggests getting VT license round the 6th of next month. I agree. – When we got to talking sbout the Staller, she shocked me when, with the sternest expression, she blurted: “Doug put the screws to you!” when I said I’d put new tyres on the car and give it back. (That’s her stand tonight… at this very moment. Subject to change at any click of the clock.) – At 22.00 she says goodnight. (By 0.24 she’d been back Twice!) – In my pjs out to car to shovel tinned peaches in my face… hunger!!!!! – So tired and new client tomorrow! – Feeling better now with a move in relative future!!!

Mon.20Aug: 9.00 and 15 minutes early for work IN BTV! Guts in knots this morn. The drive was… was. The car is beginning to buck even at 80km/h. I’m not certain about tyres. I just don’t know. But I’m on a delightfully residential street, quiet. – That 3 hours went by… because it was non-stop work: laundry, floors, cook, dishes. But it’s done and now it’s 14.30 at the MlsRvrPk. – Got to ShitbinPO for a CARD from NANCY!!! I’ll never be able to come close to reciprocating her Kindness and never be able to tell her how much of a difference she makes in my “Life”. Amazing! Truly and Truthfully. – Then, to the JrchoPO for… nothing. No prob. Luvitt. – Had ChefBoyardee ravioli and tinned peaces for lunch, in the park. – I’m so unGodly tired! –
NOTE: Fran’s all so big on “This is your ‘home’.” and “When you come ‘home’…” and “Come ‘home’ and rest.” Yet:
•The original “HomeCare” issue was only for/because of “over-night”. Sleep and shower.
•To-date I’ve given her ALL day, even at my great expense, to have HER “home” to HER-SELF (when she could run the Internet, drink coffee, smoke, nap, BUT she CHOOSES to do NOTHING, save NAP ALL day!)
•I stay away when her family comes so she can enjoy them (again, at my great expenses of gas for the car and much needed sleep).
•I get up early in the morning and leave EVERY day.
•And, she ADMITTED that I hadn’t slept well the entire week before the motel incident, having slept in the car because of Melissa and Deston being there SO I hold and will ALWAYS hold HER PERSONALLY and DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for lising a job AND the results.
– 16.09 I fell asleep in the park and woke just before the rains came. I come walking in to “Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad.” Somebody from Mgt came to tell her that my little closet had to be moved… and somebody DID! AT THE TABLE where I can bareky get at it! (Come to find out, Mgt DIDN’T help her! Fux!) When I saw it, I likened the situation to the Shelter where one leaves in the morning and never knows what to expect on return. When I said “It doesn’t make it feel very much like ‘home’.” the reply was a shrieking
***** “Well just LEAVE since you’re SO miserable here!” *****
Said. Done. Easy to say. Quick. The bell has been rung.
Being the moronidiot that I am, I made nicey and de-fused with annecdotes of work. Then said that I don’t blame her because Mgt treats everyone with the same disrespect. It’s true, that, but she has 7 days to have the closet moved! AND now, it’s TORN! – 17.41 Ponderosa, waiting on SB: As Ms.Fran is having a private melt-down, I tried texting SB for word of places up North. The connexions are disgusting BUT… simultaneously, HE was trying to contact ME! He’s FOUND a place! After many dropped calls and a text or 3… 3 BR for 800/mo! 400/mo each! (Plus utilities of course.) Timing! The World is strange. So now I’m just sitting here, in the parking lot, listening to CBC en français, ben sûre, and a-waiting the arrival. – NORTH! 4km from “*HOME*”! I’m a touch numb, a touch nervous. I need a CAR! And tomorrow at 15.00 I need to be in Rchfrd to view. It’s not a town I saw me being in, but… – Silas arrived. I cut short… – 24.20 The place sounds weird and I have doubts, particularly because a SB Ex lives in the house. But he’s ready to run into this place. He broght the “Lease”… it’s atually rather “funny” in that it’s written in some sort of what I can only call “pseudo-leagalise”; a reference to not smoking “legal tobacco” and not leaving butts where other residents will have to see them. Several other points that would amuse the Courts. An attempt to read quite serious but… I think it was an admirable attempt at professionalism. I told SB that it’s harmless and he feels assured. We resolved that we will drive up to see the place tomorrow. Meanwhile at the Pit here, Franny’s calmed down. Tonight, again, she swears she’s ‘on my side’ through my tribulations but tells that she’s canceled the 2 bdrm request. She knows I’m certainly not staying here. Good. Vut she doesn’t understand why and I’m exhausted (in many ways) from trying to help her understand. –
Tonight I sent an e-mail request to PJ asking for a loan, for HELP, 1500. Do I plan on ever seeing it? No.

Tue.21Aug: 24.00 *****RICHFORD FLAT*****
Just getting into bed (cot)! But tonight, these late nights are numbered. – This morning’s interview for Phleb went exceptionally well, I believe. And it lasted all of about 45mins indtead of an hour. I had some “test”… presented as a game, where-by I had to guess some pre-arranged coloured dots and their placement. To my amazement, I solved the thing in about 5 tries! I impressed me! Now I waut for tomorrow’s call to see if I go on to the next phase. Meanwhile, before the interview today, I walked from DoL to TD on Church St. to get cash. It felt quite strange to walk on Church… alone. No PJ. After cash, it was off to the PO to get a 99$ MO to pay one ticket. Done. Good timing. But the PO felt empty and estranged. My “beginnings” are already my “past” here. Bittersweet. – After the interview, this day REALLY got interesting… I WAS OFF TO RICHFORD (47,3mi away) to look at the “flat” Silas raved about. The drive up could have been fun, fascinating, interesting but… the engine NEEDS an oil change and the wheels are going on the car! Still, the back-roads are magnificent and I was in town by about 14.30. The drive was rather nerve-wracking and… as I drove into town, the car stalled… I started it again JUST as a state trooper was leaving! Leave it to me! – Getting into town was strangely familiar, even after only 1previous visit when SB went for his interview. It still strikes me as terribly odd, that I know such remote places. And so, I strolled directly to the PO and Met SB. – Off to THE Chinese place for food (I had white rice to combat this morning’s digestive distress) and we were off. – He drove to the house which was WELL with-in walking distance, though up a rather steep hill. -We spoke w/LL fof a while… a nice sort of “Local” fellow (whom I distrust for reasons I’m certain to learn over time. The space is rather HUGE! – Beautiful old something-Victorian house… cries for repairs and such but there’s space in rooms situated in a senseless pattern. –
SB wrote the cheque and decided that he wanted to be the “Lessee”… solely (I shall be printing a “Rental Agreement” this week, hmpf.). And I shall commit the matter to memory. –
Got to meet Hillary (sweet girl, lively but insists she’s quiet). We seem to get on quite comfortably. – Move-in is at our leisure, effective today!
– I emptied what bits I’ve been storing in the trunk and left things there. I’m moving out… of the car! – Drove back on back roads very rather well. (The car WILL be fine tomorrow.)
– No WiFi at the JeriPit tonight. The computer was turned off. But I turned it on again and was about to do my usual browsing but… – I must sleep now.
– Moving out will be difficult (and I’m not telling until it’s done and not saying where I’m going.) – 24.25 Thump-crackle tick tick… she’s awake! OMFG! My MIND wants to explode!

Tue.22Aug: 7.43 Following a night of 4 hours of sleep and a full schedule today. She makes the leavin’ … easy. – 11.31 at the Client, awaiting “Intro” (FML). Odd, but this morning, I was chanting the tune “Tonight’s Gonna Be A Good Night” and when I turned the radio on… There it was! Yesterday, when leaving Richford, “You Can Go Your Own Way”. En route TO Richford, another appropriate tune. I wonder. – As for this morning, “she” wakes to put coffee on as I sent notice to Nancy (with photo) of the new place. “Wake me when rigourmortis sets in.” *she* grumbles. Well, Fukyoo! YOU were tippy-toddling at 2.30 this morning, and crank-clacking some piece of shit in your room, waking me (who HAS to be awake ALL day AND working). So… indeed… fukyoo. Then into la-dee-dah mode and cheerie-chirpy. Meanwhile, I’m trying to put ME away, scattered about the house. Oh well… Soon ’twill be different. – Concern of the day: SB will change his mind and want to cancel the move. Followed by second concern: My income to cover expenses. And then, commute and car. – Speaking of car, I now sit with 5qt motor oil and catch basin. Back to the “auto maintenance” days. This evening the oil WILL be changed! (Though not the filtre because the bloody manual gives 2 types and I’m not yet certain which one is required.) – Oh! Skunk Hollow: I decided to take it leisurely for the sake of the wheels… Shitten Den cnty sitting at a bend! SAVED! (I’ll take a coronary one day!) – 24.24 Yes, another “You need to get sleep” at mid-night episode. Fuk this! –
*** I HAVE KEYS *** (and she’s up again!) *** I HAVE KEYS *** A little room on the top-front of a Victorian house in a Northern town with-in walking distance of “HOME”! *** A NORTHERN BORDER TOWN! *** RESIDENCE! *** So far up North that I can leisurely WALK TO QUÉBEC! ***
This little nightmare is all but O-VUH! -Meanwhile, the new client is pure Delight. Brooklyn Italian. It was like 3 hours in Howard Beach! (Tired, so, notes)
– IntroKarin was LATE! At noon! when the shift was to begin. The office is only round the corner and THEY arrive late! – The Ckient’s son plays fiddle, says he will hook me up here in VT for lessons! He was born May ’55/father in ’33. How strange! He lives in Little Italy NYC, they’re from E.Fltbsh! Now in a one of the VERY up-scale homes in SoBu (very similar to the rich in HoBe!). As the day progressed the son talked of Private or over-night! I might consider. I’m SO comfy (reminders of NY) here with these people and they seem to enjoy me! – Met with SB after work… We took the Staller to Aubochons for keys (Aubochons! North Country!) then to Home Depot. – Goodwill: SB cooking and drink wares and me? New boots for me/Nick. – We got into a rather philisophical discussion and SB says he feels he owes me shelter for the help getting him a job. (I, of course, disagree, but am MORE appreciative than I can say. SOMEBODY actuall APPRECIATES SOMETHING I’ve done to help! WOW!) He briefly inferred that MumRobin and Gwen distrust me. To be expected, I suppose; “parental”. – This evening it was a delightful ride to Jericho. Odd, but I could continue past here and drive “home”.
– I’m OUT of Phleb class. No call for FAHC interview! Bloodyfukkin idiots! But more hours on the HISC job. Hopefully all will balance. – Civil talk with Fran this evening. On her suggestion (I’ll bet she already checked on her own) I looked at youtube for the oil pan on car ! Imagine? Video! Infortunately… no oil change today (fukme).

Wed.23Aug: 22.43
-Fran got taken out via ambulance at about 21.30. – I’ve packed most of my things in the car. – This evening on the way in to Jericho I realised the library here is open until 20.00 so I rushed in at 18.00, grabbed a computer and I applied for PMR Bakersfield and St.AlbansBay and PSE Richford. One of them has GOT to take! The PSE would be perfect: I can walk to work! – I’m waiting to be told by Devon to get out. A message to SB sums it all up:
**********
“22.43 DRAMA CENTRAL
All but suitcase, bed-roll and cot are in the car, ready to go. I called Devon to tell him about Fran and he was too calm for my comfort.
Add: when the EMT asked Fran who I am, she said “Room-mate” (I’m registred, and have a lettre stating I’m her “Live-in CareGiver”).
Add: Yes, she looked washed-out, but her vital signs were fine.
Add: Preston, the wife and kid will be here next week-end and you KNOW there’s no room here AND sleeping on the back porch (me) every night isn’t happening (it’s heavy dew season and everything gets soaked at night).

I don’t like this, not one bit. I’m sitting here now, waiting for Devon to pull up and come in to tell me I have to leave.

Right now I don’t know if Fran will be admitted for observation or other-wise. I believe they’ll keep her over-night at least. If just over-night, with discharge tomorrow, somebody will have to get her (or they’ll send her home via cab or SSTA bus). When I offered (to Devon) to get her tomorrow (if she’s discharged then) he very calmly said “Oh. OK.” He won’t take a day off for his own Mother? Suspicious, that.

If I go to work tomorrow (Friday), I get out at 2:00pm. If I don’t go to work tomorrow, I’ll go to Richford in the morning, drop the packed boxes, change the oil and head back to Jericho.

If Fran stays in Fletcher on Friday night, I’ll stay in Jericho over-night, pack remainders in the car and head to Richford on Saturday morning. (Unless Devon comes by with the final “eviction”, in which case, I’ll psck the car with EVERYTHING and just leave for Richford.)

In ANY event, I’m planning on being in Richford on Saturday at some point, one way or another. Will I stay? It depends… somebody HAS to be here for Sparky. I can’t just leave the little guy like that.

I’ll keep in touch and let you know.

Meanwhile, my itinerary for next week is:
Monday: BTV 9:30am-12:30pm
Tuesday: Shelburne 7:00am-1:00pm
Wednesday: BTV 9:00am-1:00pm
***Thursday: COURT AT 8:00am***
Friday: Shelburne 7:00am-1:00pm
Nothing on the week-end

Until next time, next drama, next load of shit…

(Well? This made packing just REALLY REALLY EASY!)
**********
-And the day at work went well. It was painful, trying to not doze. But the time went easily; we chatted, non-stop all day. – A night: It rained this evening when I left the library… only at JeriHill!!!!! It was most strange, rain only in the parking lot in front of Fran’s. It gave me a sense of some forboding.

Thu.24Aug: 1.24 At about mid-night I rang FAHC and got connected to Fran. She sounded rather very fine but they had her hooked to a cardiac monitor and had taken chest x-rays and bloods for card.enzymes. She thought, at the time, they were discharging her tonight but they were waiting for the labs and MD’s decision. She said she’d call when they decided. I’m waiting. – Meanwhile, I had to call-out from work because of no sleep: still awake and, if she’s d/c she’ll be back, making coffee and having a smoke to wake me. I’m really rather dick-pissed! I was looking forward to work with my Bklyn Paisons! Fukme again, eh Fran? – Well, the car is packed and ready to roll later today… Off to the Great White North. It’s sad, but just about EVERYthing is in the car with precious little more to go. Still, it’s a semi-relief. (Now I worry about the car holding out long enough to make the complete move!) But now, certainly, this is my last week here. – Get me those USPS jobs!

Fri.24Aug: 11.45 Woke first to 7.00 alarms and then the phone. SB, telling me what I “should” do, that the Margot issue is top of search (he’s hitting me too, fukkall) and that he’s hesitant to recommend me at Richford PO because of it. – I NEED to return to Solo. – Well, having the day, I began cleaning this dump… in earnest. – Suddenly, the door-bell: Paige. WELL! We had a MOST MARVELOUS talk where-in we discussed the Margot issue AND she confirmed: If CathedralSq AND HUD approved my being here, my background is still squeaky clean! Pfffttt!!! And, she and I established that I will not be here when Preston, Melissa and Deston arrive… for “family
convenience”. – OK then. – The kitchen counters, floors and garbage can are clean. The loo as well. The floors were Hoovered x4 and damp-cloth wiped. Bleach and PineSol on all. (I had only started and Paige noted that the place smelled fresher and the kitchen is brighter!) – Now, I need to try an oil change and get ME together. I’m tired and still, no place or time to rest. FML. – (1.54 on Sat. Jericho): I tried to change the oil this afternoon… Can’t remove the plug for oil but added about a qt. It was Low! -After spending ALL morning on it, the JeriHouse is immaculate (in comparrison… Shit! I even damp-clothed the carpet!). – Left at 18.00 heaed North. Got into Cambridge to a “cop check” for some reason so I turned round. Got gas. Napped an hour. – At 20:00, left for North again. The trip was ever so delightful until…
* Sober-check in Enosburgh! I just SO wanted to go Home and being all but 20km away I just thought “This will be the clincher.” I’m at a point now where my entire being just shuts down into some kind of resignation to all things. It can’t cope, nor can it fight any longer. So, I pulled up to the first officer who kindly instructed me to move along to the next. I did. This officer smiled, explained the reason for the stop and asked if I’d had anything to drink “today”. Indeed, I wished I had, but, as I said to him, calmly “No sir. I don’t have the time.” (The car was fully packed with what has become my life… I certainly didn’t have time.) The officer smiled, passed a flash-light across the windshield, looked at insp sticker and I was off to Richford. I say no more on the matter. *
– When I arrived at the house, spoke with Silas whilst un-packing the car AND… there, at the back door, on the porch, as if the matter had been scripted for some sort of screen-play…
* Nancy’s parcel arrived! Imagine? New Home and here is a parcel waiting at the kitchen door! Yes, this IS “Home”! *
– Tonight I took some time to relax and try enjoying the new surroundings. The house is GAWJUS! Sitting on the porch? Just a delight. The town gets a bit rambunctious at night but just briefly. – I put a curtain in one window tonight. The same curtain from the first room occupied since my arrival in this state. But the room… “my” room, took on an air of comfort. There’s nothing in it as yet, but the curtain on the window lent a bit of habitation. – Left the comfort of “Home” at almost 23.00. Imagine? I certainly didn’t want to leave and probably could have stayed the night. I have the comforter that I’d kept in the car (for those nights when I’d been relegated to sleeping there-in, in the parking lot, out-side the place that was called “home” and never felt to be so). But not tonight. There will be time to be here, to sleep here… to SLEEP HERE! – It was a smooth ride back to my little Hell. I arrived at midnight. – All that’s left: cot, bed-roll, change of clothes. One quick trip and it will all become part of an insignificant past. – Sparky is not eating or going outside. It’s heart-breaking to see how he misses Fran. It actually hurts me. Poor little guy. I hope all goes well for both of them. – I should watch my own intake here. Only 2 cheese sandwiches this afternoon.

Sat.25Aug: 20.49 And… the Rchfrd floor is washed, my boxes are un-packed. In The North, out of Jericho. – Up by about 8.30 and NOT enough sleep. I rather took my time this morning and it got “interesting” (and I’m more glad to leave here, considering it). I hadn’t gone out this morning but noticed Mary Nr.13 had quite the entourage helping her move in. OK. None of my business… until… A while after the moving began I looked out the window to notice my car door OPEN! My gut went sour and my head throbbed! WTF? So I went out to inquire. “Hi. Ehy is my car door open?” Some old fuk says “Gee, I don’t know.” They’re the only ones out there, fukall! Then I notice the bag with a comforter has gone missing! After some t’do, another idiot invites me in to Mary’s and sure enough… it’s in her closet! Moronic in-breeds! I get the bag, be nice and leave. Come in at Fran’s, shower, dress and make ready to leave. It’s about 11.30 and I want “on the road”! – Sparky hssn’t eaten or gone to pee now, 2 days! I’m heart-sick. – The drive up North was very nice indeed. And I’m down to a 10min pack at Fran’s. Good, good. – Stopped at Family Dollar for bleach and cleaning things for my floors and… – When I pulled into the drive, Mr. Burns called out the window “Welcome Home!” “Home”… Yes, it is (and I owe SB SO much money! And still not one word from PJ about a loan. Well… so-called “friends”. Right. Scratched.) (23.36 and back to “normal”… she woke, she talked.) Meanwhile, the sentiment from Mr. Burns was heart-warming. And he and I spoke, got a tour of the basement, discussed tenants, and such. When he left he said he wouldn’t see us until and unless we received “notice”… “I won’t just walk in.” – SB and I headed down to the market where he proceeded to buy, buy, buy. He wiped-out his FoodStamps and I compensated (in spite of my frugality and his exorbitant spending). But, now there’s food. Then to the FamilyDollar where he bought dishes, for the sake of buying them. 30-something and still no sense. Alas. – He’s moving in tomorrow. I’m trying to figure how I’ll manage… gas and a car that won’t do many more trips. And I YEARN to go… “home” and get out of here! – SB left, I bleached my floors snd un-packed, remembering the packing in Clearwater. I put on the radio for a bit and finished my business. – At about 19.00 I was leaving… stopped in Enosburgh for smokes and was on the road to Jericho. – On arrival, Fran was asleep. I got me ready for sleep but… We discussed her release, Devon’s doting and that Devon wanted her to stay by him a few days… not to let her be alone. Ah hah! Well, we shall see how my departure plays out. – Suddenly, Fran’s all into the “CareGiver” thing with me… Right. And again, tonight, late. (On the record, I’m to be at work by 9.00 tomorow. I’ll be at MY Home tomorrow.)

Sun.26.Aug: (On Mon.27:24.08 I AM ON MY COT… IN *MY* ROOM at the top of the stairs, ALONE! And I AM NOW A RESIDENT HERE, a mere perhaps 3km from the border of… *HOME*!) As for this Sunday, it’s mostly a blur. Once again, I had to lie to get out of Jericho, feigning work, when, in reality, I moved all but the very end into this house (and a “house” it is). – I met SB and his Mums here. How strange it felt to be here to welcome them when, in fact, he is still my Benefactor… a point that bothers me terribly. But we all got right into moving him in and doing the preliminary set-ups. The living-room actually looks quite cozy. And his Mums bought him ALL sorts if things, including a microwave! Gee, nobody EVER did so much for me… and I raised my parents’ children for them… whilst the parents lavished the other other 3. Well, look where I am today! Almost back HOME! – Moving along, I’d stopped at Hannaford’s for sage and had smoked the room rather well and was a touch nervous there’d be objections but… the first thing Robin did was pull a bundle of sage and proceeded round the place! I was… relieved. She even smoked the basement! – Well, indeed, the U-Haul was un-loaded and the Mums were off, leaving SB and I alone to… And so we did… on into the night when it got to be so late that I just couldn’t maje the drive back to Jericho. I resigned to stay the night. – We did an assessment of the first floor: un-accountable spaces walled-in, figuring chimneys and such, talking about “feelings” and “vibes” in the rooms. SB doesn’t like the beige room. I confided that I get the sense that there’s an energy-block in the alcove up-staurs. He confided he couldn’t use the room which is now mine because of un-easiness. We told our version if “ghost stories” until I just couldn’t stay awake… Lights out. I came up-stairs to sleep on a comforter, on the floor. It didn’t work-out well… a restless night. But even so… no chuggaclugga and nasty cigarettr in the night! My first night of “Human-ness” in such a LONG time! The floor was uncomfortable but I couldn’t have cared less! I was in a separate room with no rude awakenings and could look forward to just resting, if nothing more. RESTING!

Mon.27Aug: 23.31 and another day ends. – 80miles of travel this morning:
Stopped at Jericho PO: nothing. Stopped at ShitbinPO: nothing. – The job was OKish. I don’t like the fact that there’s family in the house who do NOTHING for the old guy. And, as I swept the kitchen floor I swept a rather dehydrated goldfish lying there! And they don’t have any sign of a bowl! Fuk! Then the son asked me to check the hot-tub for a hornets’ nest! I told him, one sting and I’m off to the ER. He hesitantly backed off. A daughter was in the house. No bath linens. Shit! But I got through the day/morning. – After work, I headed directly to Jericho to find Fran asleep (typical), so I stuffed bed-roll and hanging clothes into the car! – Sparky woke her… trapped! I was ONE item short of complete! – Well, I told her I’m going back to NY. She took it quite well, no drama. Said she’d been surprised I managed to stay this long. We talked as if all was normal. I think she saw this moment coming. But there was a bit of shock when I told her that everything was packed and gone… very little shock. She went to the loo, I grabbed the cot, got it into the car… DONE! – I left Jericho at 16.00. It’s behind me… behind me… behind me. – I’m thankful to Fran for the shelter she provided. I’m thankful for her (conditional) friendship. I am not ungrateful. – Back in Rchfrd to Dollar Genl: little dog, SO friendly, and beagle that howled, in a car. Caused quite the disturbance, to be sure. But it brought laughter to all. I bought a window fan, broom, deodorant… and realised I LEFT MY TOOTHBRUSH IN JERICHO! FUKME! FUKME! And I doubt I’ll return for it. I don’t want to go back there! We’ll see. I’m still working in the area. Itcould be en route. I don’t know just now. – SB came “Home” at about 18.00 and I was on the back porch. It was “domestic”… it’s still surreal. It’s like a book, a script, an odd story-board. – A message from HISC: a bloody cancellation tomorrow! Good for wear on the car, good for time here, horrid for income! I NEED to get away from this paet-time shit! –
*Msg fm PJ: phone trouble, he will call. Again, I trust he won’txome through as he repeatedly promised.*
– Tonight I bleached the closet in my room. And at LONG last? UN-PACKED the LUGGAGE! UN-PACKED! A bit of “settling-in”! Holyshit! – SB cooked jerk chk, rice black beans for dinner. Quickly, the little “House-hold” is establishing itself. – He ordered Internet and ad Comcast does, they fukkedup everything. There’s such shit to put-up with in the rurals. – Other-wise we settled into a calm night at “Home”… At day’s end I got a shower, and headed up-stairs to bed. – POURING RAIN! How incredibly BEAUTIFUL!

Tue.28Aug:8.25 On cot, RhythmeFM on the radio. Calm. At last! – 10.34 On cot, in calm, radio playing, fan bringing in a breeze. Rchfrd is calm. I am calm. I’ve been catching-up on this Journal. And it’s time to get productive. – 22.15 So.Burl: In the interest of making money that I will soon need more than ever before in my life, I’ve taken not only an over-night, but a12hour PLUS an additional 4hour… with my all-time Faves: The Brooklynites (LUV THEM!) And so, I’m on the lovely leather chair w/ottoman, beautiful pillow and just the most marvelous comforter (feels like a feather-bed). Almost ready to doze a bit. – At home, the room is beginning to settle, 2 washes done because the Autumn and Winter jackets STUNK SO BADLY of stale nasty cigarettes! SO BADLY, it made me GAG! Fuk! It seems that stench is going to linger. Thankfully I got it out of the bed-items, now the jsckets. Next will be the clothes I wore in that house pn a regular basis. And… all sorts of paper and such went. – Nick got attention today TOO! Twice, as a matter of fact. – I managed to nap several times whilst clothes washed and/or dried (as opposed to simply laying my arse on a bed for the sake of just sleeping time away). All said, I suppose I managed time well. – When SB got in, he cooked more jerk chicken and brought a bowl up for me (he’s really a Dear, but we’re going to stop that… I appreciate the gesture but won’t let it become habit… feeding me.) We chatted a bit. At one point he came up with a router he’d ordered. WiFi, strong enough to create signal in the entire house (for Hillaray too). Now, to get the service… Comcast monopoly bastards, hello? – And before y’know, time to get ready and head into “the city” (that’s so SO funny here) to work. – The drive down took about 90mins. I left at maybe 17.55. and arrived 19.30. Mrs. was a delight at the door and Mr., like an old friend. A pleasure. I wonder though… Mr. showed me the chair where he expects me to be, Mrs. referred to the bed-room. Oh well. I’ll take the chair to be on the safe side. At 20.00 he was in jammas, 20.30 was tea, 21.00 was bed-time. – And so, no WiFi here and no smoking, and a 16hour shift. OK! Buy I like these folks. – Oh, message from PJ at 21.22: “I will be here! I hope you are OK, I’m worried. You sound well though :-D **HUGs**” I’m wondering (but not hoping).

Wed.29Aug: 0.53 I’ve dozed a bit. I tried fixing the cell phone for a VIBRATING alarm but NO! Piece of Samsung shit! Fuk Samsung! The alarm sounded loudly! Fukking Samsung shit. – That said, Mr. slept through it until 0.12. – I still have the instinct: He woke quietly and so did I. – Well, it’s now 1.03: 5 hours down and 7 to go! – 3.23 Wife calls daughter because husband has insomnia. I can’t step out for a smoke because house is alarmed. Husband is restless. Daughter is with mother. But husband wants me to come back. And now? 7,5hrs down… 8,5hrs to go. It’s stuffy in here. But Mr. and I are getting some laughs. Let’s see what sun-rise brings. – It’s taken me the 7 hours plus to get some order to the music on the iPod since SB mucked with it on his computer. Wow! – And I’m getting sleepy. – 7.42 He woke at 6.20 and headed downstairs. I followed from a bit of distance and… in the living-room; the wife. She’s been all over, as if keeping an eye on me… and him. Oh well. I still feel trapped but… – Should be an interesting trip home today. – 22.18 Richford. On my cot. Showered. Sage. – It was a tough shift. He was up and around almost every hour all through the night. I’d no sooner doze when instinct woke me: he was walking to somewhere. At 7.33 the night ended and he was awake for tje day… and the next shift. But somehow I made it through, awake. When, at noon, I left, I was awake but my eyes felt swollen. – I managed to get to ReCycle North for a 10$ chair that slmost didn’t fit in the car that’s feeling half dead. I worry about that: if no car then I’m unadulteratedly screwed! – En route through Jericho, I rang Fran to ask for my toothbrush. She was in, I stopped, got the toothbrush and was on the road… to Home… Home. – “Dan” from Comcast arrived shortly after I got in! My timing was wonderful! We now have Internet! And Dan, my height, thin, loggers. Well, OK then. – Hillary came home today from her week-end away. Silas is Home. We’re all here tonight… “All”… 3 of us in this huge house. Even though H. is in a separate place, it feels like extended family of some sort. It’s good. – SB is adopting the little cat with the shaved neck. He’s so sweet, really (SB). I feel I’ve adopted him after a fashion. Tonight, before he went to bed, he came up to give me a re-assuring hug because of tomorrow. Perhaps we’ve adopted each-other. “Family”… at the end of the world… in The Great North Country. At long last, at long, long last. – An e-mail from PJ today. He’s calcing his finances. Offered to help in any way. I asked. I foresee help not forth-coming. It will be difficult for me but I will be supportive to… the Family here. – Court tomorrow. I’m not terribly nervous about it. (22.34 The train is passing through in the night.) No harm or damage, under the law, befell anyone. But I have a deep distrust for the law… the laws of both Man and Nature. – I must sleep. 4am wake-up coming.

Thu.30Aug: COURT (Thanks Fran!!!) 22.49 Richford 1,3miles from… *HOME*!!!!!!! *HOME* imagine that. I can WALK HOME! QUÉBEC! (If I had the energy right now, I’d painfully sob while my SOUL rejoices. Silas? You’ll never understand, never know. But tonight, my core is Peacefully rejoicing. I AM HOME. – The trip into BTV was long. 65 miles long. The courts are a farce. The Public Defender will charge me 50$. The charges are now “Petit Larceny” but the State, justifiably according to the word of the law, is not comfortable. They want (according to the law) the original charge. On 26 Sept. I will be tried… Joyce’s birthday. How strange. – Spoke with Fran en route Home. Just and only to keep peace. I don’t want this situation discussed with her… No, I do not forgive her participation (total lack of concern though in the cause). But as we spoke (as I drove along) connexions broke and I have no regrets. She provided shelter when it was needed, but now, due to that period of fatigue, I’ll pay… dearly. Enough. – As I cross into Cambridge I always think “IT’S SO GOOD to get Home!” (It’s the end of Shit’n’den county and the beginning of Franklin and I leave the misery behind where it belongs.) I needed to shop for food and could have done in BTV but… waited and shopped Hannaford’s Enosburg! Thought of SB whilst shopping and wanted to be sure to get some things he’d enjoy (but I still know so little about him). Did get pizza stuff, Klondike bars. It’s my birthday so I would like to do something that makes ME feel good! Getting things he’d enjoy makes me feel good! After all… For the most part, I’m journalling because I’m alive because he cares. – (23.01 the train goes by, out-side the window, in the dark. I don’t know where it begins or ends, but it’s interesting to hear it.) – I have to mention: This little cat that SB’s SO determined to adopt managed to get a nip into SB’s finger today. Nothing serious. Slightest puncture but telephone calls were made and plans began for a drive to the Georgia clinic! He OVERreacts to such strange dilemas. We are SO opposite in this respect… (as well as many others, but in such cases…) SO VERY!
*** The “Cat-Naming” ***
– Adopted cat is now named: L’ti’chat is “Leticia”… thanks to Hillary who found the Québec pronunciation of “the little cat” to sound quite like “Leticia”. And so… it is. – This evening I was invited to walk with SB and H. and we covered the little enclave of our “ghetto”. There are some beautiful old houses in this town! I’m looking forward to getting some local history… SOON! –
After our little stroll, I had to get into town (how funny that truly is because the town truly is little and getting into it is simply a matter of rolling down the hill, over the river and up on the other bank) to get gas. Wouldn’t you know? The local gas station is also the liquor store! Oh Vermont! Here, one can lose one’s entire life if caught driving after drinking and yet, one can stop at the petrol and gas-up one’s vehicle and one’s self… one-stop. Well, SB came along (putting himself in quite the position because of the condition of the car) and did we have a fun time of it! I mentioned getting a bottle of vodka for my b’day and he insisted that he’d buy one. And he wasn’t buying anything cheap. A 750ml of Absolut! indeed, I thank him and indeed I shall re-pay him. And indeed, I shall enjoy a drink… as soon as I can afford the time to do so. Well, it was jolly fun at the petrol station and it was time to roll down the south bank and up the north, and to Home. – As I settled-in at my room, SB and H came up. H was excited to learn that it’s my b’day and came to offer a hit. If i didn’t need to get to work tomorrow I’d have accepted. I declined and truly felt badly because here was a kind offer from the heart. I appreciate the offer… sincerely. – Tonight I completed the authorisation for the background check on the newest PO applications. I don’t know why they have to have that since I gave that permission already. But that’s the PO. And tonight, that extra part is completed. Done. – Tomorrow morning will be interesting… and EARLY!!!! 7am in Shitbin meaning a 5am departure. But I’m looking forward to seeing the Reverend and Mrs. – Tonight, the room is looking great.

Fri.31Aug: 7.35 Work Shitbin. The commute is now 70mi. each direction! – I SO wanted to stay at home today. Mostly left-over from last night’s beverage. But I was out the door by about 5.00 and at work by 7. – 7.42 Trying to stay awake now. – It was Great to see the Reverend and Mrs. today! I can’t explain why, but I’ve grown rather attached to the two of them. – By 13.00 I was out of work and with-in moments of leaving, a call from the office: will I take a 2hr shift with Fldmn? NO! HELL NO! 140 miles of driving for THAT? OH HELL HELL NO! – A quick stop at the Shitbin PO where, amongst the free newspaper (as if I care about Shitbin and its news), a b’day card… from the office! Hey! Put the postage and the cost of the card into my wallet! Still, it was hand-written and I do appreciate that. It’s a HELL of a lot more than I ever got from NYC/VNS/PIC. – En route through Jericho, a stop at that PO (I really must do something about this triple citizenry) and the month’s pay-stubs. WHY? The card went to Shitbin and the pay goes to Jericho? Really? Am I that difficult to follow? (I can only hope.) – By 15.00 I was… HOME! and just in time to enjoy a brutal down-pouring of RAIN! Perfect for the FOUR HOUR NAP I managed to get in! OMFG (as ’tis said) o lie I actually got to enjoy SLEEPING! I came “Home”, got to lie down, in Peace, close my eyes and SLEEP! I planned/intended on only an hour but HEY! I needed the rest and it was allowed today! Even when he got home from work, SB was so quiet. He understands. He understands. Thank you World! – When I woke, I had to get to sorting through all sorts of papers and receipts. I’m going to return the damned TENT I had to buy because of Fran and Melissa and that little brat-bastard Deston. Almost 100$ that I couldn’t afford, pissed away on a tent so that I could sleep out in the yard, or in the brush on the banks of the brook because there wasn’t one iota of concern or consideration given to me in the place that Fran insisted I think of as “home”. FUKYOO ALL VERY EVER SO MUCH! Now, I’ll have to travel some 140 miles to get my money back! These are the times and events that make the leaving Jericho that much easier and eliminate any regrets about it. It also makes it that much easier to NOT to maintain ties. I’m not angry about anything that transpired there… I’m bitter… and I have no intention of allowing the bitterness to pass. But tonight, now, in the present, it’s gone, passed, behind me. Done. (1.06 on sat morn to bed.)