Wed.1.Apr: (EEO preliminary interview this morning… just noting.) 1.41 and FUCK ME AGAIN! This shit needs to fucking stop! And NO NAP today either! FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME! – And there’s my opening entry for the month of April in the year 2015. – FUCK YOU TOO! – It’s 4.33 and I’ve not been to sleep all night… this is the fuck! Just can’t get the body and mind to shut down! Just can’t. And now it’s a matter of not wanting to go to sleep for fear of sleeping through the morning and not being able to sleep again tonight! My eyes are starting to burn too. But I got into some kind of communication with “Sadie” and another woman on the fesses-book. Seems the world is full of insomniacs tonight. Could it be the date? The moon? What the fuck? Who knows. But Sadie was drunk out of her mind tonight. Told me here entire life story! 41 and with a guy over 60. A son, twins, and her “Baby girl” is 12. This woman’s a bit of work, she is. – Anyway, the “TOOTS” from across the hall have begun already. I’m on yet another fucking peppermint tea. Tonight… VODKA when it’s time to get to sleep… VODKA AND NAPROSYN! I’ll NOT have ANOTHER night like this! NOT! – But there’s yesterday’s entry to be finished, and this new page to begin on the Journal… so … – Oh.. I’ve finished the box of 5 chocolate cakes too. Fuck me very much indeed. – 4.48 I think I’m going to shut my eyes… PLEASE that I wake in about 2 hours! – 10.54 Nice way to begin the day… I’d only just closed my eyes round about 5.00 this morning and at about 8.30 the phone… EEO!!! The first “interview”! For about an hour… I don’t know HOW, but I was awake through the entire thing (I even peed, had my coffee and my smoke! Ca ce peut tu?) And now, I simply cannot believe that it’s already going for 11.00! – As for the rest? I had to un-pack the bags of boxes to find a can of deodorant. There are only 2 left! And then? I have to find something to substitute because they’re not made any longer. Oh well.. story of my life… I out-love everybody and everything. – Well… the day looks to be quite lovely. I’m pondering a run for smokes. Although, if I wait until the week-end, I can get a carton completely duty-free! So I just might cut me back… this is going to be difficult today… Fatigue and all that. Thankfully it’s only Wednesday. Why that matters, I’ve no idea. But… what the fuck. – Just looking at me in the mirror… I look like shit… feel like shit as well. Maybe I’ll go do some cleaning on the car today. That’ll keep me busy… and away from a nap. All I’ll say now is: If I’m not able to sleep by 20.00 today? COCKTAILS! and Naprosyn! – 12.52 I’m SO TIRED! And the other 2 are just getting into the daily routine out there in the hall. I’m to understand that HLS has a MD appointment and Jester is to go in for “blood-work”. HLS will get “results” on previous tests. It’s suspected that “they” have HepB. Gee… I wonder how THAT got into the house… and now I have to be extra careful. Honestly! What shit! – I’m going to try for a lie-down. My bowels feel as if they’re to burst… but I can’t really use the loo up here… somebody’s going to want the shower. And… I’m TIRED! SO SO TIRED! – 18.23 Cleaned the inside of the car a bit today. The ceiling, dash and radio and such. Put a bit more paint on a bit more rust. HLS and Jester went to their appointments. I got back into the house some time before they returned. Came up to lie down because the fatigue is getting to me. But I laid on the bed for a good 20 minutes with the re-runs of that Iranian pilot being burned to death and my brain wouldn’t let it go! When the alarm sounded, I went down-stairs to have a smoke… Poor Dixie had been out back for HOURS today! She jumped as if I was her saviour. – Now, I’ve had my 4 franks with rolls, a tin of mango and am waiting for peppermint tea. I’m going to have a drink… a bit of vodka, soon… and hopefully that will knock me out… through the night! This fatigue is killing me and yet, I can feel me waking up as the sun sets in the back yard. Horrid! That’s what this is… horrid! –

Thu.2.Apr: 0.36 AND STILL FUCKING AWAKE!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ME! 9.14 SLEEP! SLEPT! No sooner jotted that note, I put the iPod on with “Pachelbelly” on repeat, low, put out the light, head on pillow, under the covers… and a few bits later… GONE! The HORROR before sleeping was the thoughts: my brain… the human brain… the organics, the biology, the matter of the brain. The mush, the organ. What it actually “is”, what it does, where it is… the brain. It made me ill, physically ill. There was that image on the soc.med. and the comments: the person’s life, every thought, every memory, every bit of what that person was… and the thoughts looped round and round in my head… and I focused on the music and finally went… to… SLEEP! And I woke this morning, at about 8.15! Physically, I feel a bit better. I had a DREAM as well. I don’t recall all of it. I’d come back to the house from some-where and Cubby and Shadow were HERE! They were WONDERFUL! Well-fed. Looking quite healthy and delighted. There wasn’t any drama. They were quite well, indeed. I held each of them. Shadow looked the little Princess. Cubby, quite royal. They were content. And I understood that they weren’t too happy about being back in this house, that they were simply fine with “visiting” and had no desire to stay. – There was another bit in there about my having welts, water-blisters on my stomach. Irritation or something. A bit on the painful side. Like a chemical reaction or allergy or burn or something. That too, is only a fragment of dram. But at least, over-all, I can say that I actually got SLEEP last night. – And now, this morning, the bed-linens are in the wash. That machine stinks terribly… always. Never aired. And somebody washed something quite red and the inside of the dryer is now pink. Honestly. The washer sounds as if it wants to die. Please, that it lasts through the clothes wash. That’s all. – I have to toss some things together for the week-end. I’m not “thrilled” about this trip. Once upon a time I’d be dancing my arse off at the prospect of going HOME… My, how “life” changes”. – In my delirium last night, I was “out of it” with Viv… Well… to be honest, that’s why I was awake so late. But I was truly rude with her about the lack of sleep and the depression and anger about the job. But for a change, she commented. (She’d been at bingo during the day and said that she’d had some good laughs. GOOD! It’s about time! And that she’ll be going back to work… she doesn’t want to. Says she’s going to ave to look for another position with Bell… i hope she does, and I hope she finds something she enjoys.) But anyway, I wonder what the place looks like up there. And now, I wonder how and when I’ll be getting back… Not that I have anything here that DEMANDS I return soon. I just don’t look forward to being stranded there. Oh well… we shall see… indeed. – Meanwhile… the laundry is getting done. It’s a bit on the chilly side in the room. Nothing terrible. Just chilly. And today, hopefully, I’ll manage to get out of the house for a bit. Cloudy this morning. Oh well… – 9.40 Well now… the linens are in the dryer… my towel is now a very pale PINK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! This house is …. oh… this state is… a shit-hole! – I’ll do my clothes tomorrow morning… no matter what. – Oh yes… b the way… it’s SNOWING. How charming. Not.

Fri.3.Apr 8.25 Half slept all night. My back is twinging. I keep running to the loo to shit. The wash is done and in the dry. I’ve packed. And I’m rather “out of it” this morning. It started out warm earlier. The clouds are gathering and the temperature is dropping. And honestly, I’m in no mood for this day. It’s gotten to the “Shelter days” with the loo… having to cover the seat. And, well, I don’t know… I just don’t know about this day. – (on Tuesday) OH! The laundry? Some dumb-shit washed something VERY RED recently and… yes indeed… apparently there was red residue in the washer. My towel is RUINED! Not only is it PINK, but there are red blotches on it. My pillow-cases are the same. NOT, mind you, the bed sheets. But of course not! Just MY things! And even my jeans are a bit on the “purple” side with red round the bottoms! The inside of the dryer too, is pink! What a bunch of fucking shits these “people” are! Fuck me! But I have to keep thinking: it could happen if I’d done the wash in a public laundry… shit like this happens. It doesn’t make it “better”, it just is. – OK so then: I was out the door by 10.15 this morning. I HAD to get OUT! So I sat in the car for a while. Thank goodness I have the car! And I learnt that the WiFi reaches out there! So I check the balance on the account and had no sooner done when Viv pulled up. Must have been round-about 10.45 or so? I grabbed my bags and into the car and off we went…. Took the Swanton route and stopped at Hannaford’s there where she got 2 pounds of butter and 6 packages of cream cheese (on sale). We stopped at McD’s for coffees and headed up to Duty Free for a bottle of vodka at the most impressively low prices. Crossing the border was a snap and… we were rolling up the road. She took the 35 up this morning. WOW! Talk about “direct”. So now I know what to expect. If the Subaru can take the steady rolling at about 60-80km/h, I could actually make the trip. Good to know! – Coming into MTL, again, I noticed how small it actually is. The “pangs” are no longer “there” when I see it. In fact, it’s become “well… here we are, there it is”. I don’t have the teary entry any longer. Mostly because it isn’t the MTL of my yester-years. These days, it’s rather dirty, quite “dark” in a way, the politics and such make it almost dismal. But, all said… it’s still MTL and I do wish there was even a remnant of the “old days”. But they’re gone. – We zipped over to the Tillemont bakery for a slab pizza (which I’ve always enjoyed) and MUCH Italian cold-cuts and then to the house. She was hungry and I was in a mood to eat by the time we got to the house. I ATE ATE and ATE! It was then good to be “HOME” again. – But… But… But… the place is a total MESS! Truly. Things are ALL over the place. The living-room looks like a “storage room” where everything had gone amok. Viv tells me that she’s un-packed many boxes (and indeed, she has) but as she un-packs, she becomes depressed and so, has to “nap” as she does. So she stops, leaving things as and where they are. Even the plants look ignored and almost dead. – When I’d left… in August(?), the boxes were neatly stacked, there was a bit of room to walk about. Today? None of that. She’d taken the chair from the corner and disassembled it and tossed it to the curb. There were 2 “CD towers”… gone… same thing as with the chairs. She’s tossing so much to “SunYouth” and the rest is being tossed to the curb. There was the usual talk about G&D and how miserable they’ve been, stomping and such up-stairs, and talking about her. I don’t know how much to take as fact and how much as … mutual psychosis amongst them. It’s rather oppressive to listen to. But I let her talk. And yes, indeed, there’s the constantly being “cold” and tired. I could attribute some of it to “older age”, I could give “credit” for age and such, but there I sit, as always, of late, in pain (my gut is blown WAY out these days, and painful), and I say nothing… as the rest of the world rolls by… expecting all to be well with me. No, it’s probably not quite fair to mention, but seriously? I’m tired of everybody ELSE being in pain and expecting ME to be jolly-jolly. But… it was a delight to be in MTL again… all considered. – The rest of the day moved along as days will. – We had a couple of drinks… normal drinks at that. It felt SO GREAT to have a drink AND a smoke and not have to run out the door for the smoke. But… But… But… (again)… it wasn’t until 23.00 when we FINALLY sat to have a MOST wonderful dinner: Filet mingnon, fried onions and mushrooms and “smashed” potatoes. DEEEELISH! And mille feuille for desert! SO GOOD! INDEED! (But at 23.00?) – OK. That done, it was finally time to head to SLEEP!… At last. It was already Saturday by now… and day 1 had passed… As I laid in the bed, I kept thinking of how I’d felt, some 35 years ago or so, on Henri-Julien… sleeping under Québec skies. Tonight, it was nice to be back… but not “thrilling”. My “old days” are so long gone that they’re almost difficult to recall.

Sat.4.Apr: (on Monday) I slept so well last night! I could have very well stayed in the bed ALL DAY today! But… Viv was a “woman on a mission” with a list of 8 places and we were up, coffeed, showered and OUT! – As we were leaving, Gaetan and Dan were out front, shovelling the snow from in front of the building. Gaetan nodded at me as he cleaned the car but I was rather shy about going over to say hello… DAN didn’t even acknowledge me, so I’m guessing that HE’s got the fagbug up his arse. Oh well, so be that. I got into the car and we were off. – There were 8 places on the “agenda” today and we were buzzing along the streets… ‘ON A MISSION’!!! as it were. (Just now, Monday evening, 18.34, I’ll list the ones I recall… but, at the moment, I’m bouncing about trying to record the whole week-end… in pieces…) Sun Youth, to drop off some bags and a box of things that I’ve no idea about. Then off to “Atola’s” , a spice store to die for! in Petite Italie, down the street from the Rossy’s I’d gone to and the Renaissance that I’d have LIKED to go to (but… oh no). Zip off to some computer store on Jarry (in the old neighbourhood) to leave her old desk-top where it’ll be “re-furbished” and sold. Across the street for a bit of lunch at QUÉBEC: poutine (which came with-out the smoke meat AND some kind of flour-gravy shit!) and Viv had a smoke meat which she complained about all through the eating. Oh well. A skip over to the Dollar Store which used to be Rossy’s in the old neighbourhood where I got a 3$ “owl” tea-light thing for HLS. (WHY? I do NOT know… I just did.) And, although there were other places, the only one I can recall that ended the day was…IKEA!!!!! where, I HAD to RUN to go to PEE! (My bladder is shot to hell of late… along with the rest of me that’s falling apart.) I got: a new towel, beige, to replace the destroyed once-upon-a-time white one (fuckall), a 10$ coffee press (which I DO intend to use!) a package of tea-lights and 4 little tea-light holders which I will use as only 2 for tea-lights on Shabbat! HAHA! Oh! AND 2 little computer plug-in lights that operate on the USB so that I don’t have to put on the light in the room! NOBODY will know when I’m asleep or awake! (NOW, if only I could get the fabric to put over the door, to kill the fucking noise, all would be well.. for the remainder of the duration of my “residence”… but… in time.) Didn’t spend a fortune… I’m happy to say.. VERY HAPPY to say. And, although we didn’t get to browse the upper level “show-room” (Madame demanded that we go directly to the “market” area), it was quite wonderful to be back in IKEA! even for the little while. After that… it was the MAD DASH to get back to the house… for a nap, of course. – I DO MUST HAVE TO SAY SOMEHTING: when we got back and Viv got to the chair and put her feet up, it was PAINFUL to look at when I saw how her feet and legs SWELL so much these days! AWFUL! Yes, a reminder: We”re NOT in our 30’s any longer. How miserable “Time” is. Still… the RUSHING and such… But you know? It was good to see MTL again… and to see how fucked-up it’s all become. Honestly… just fucked-up. – One note though: SHE whines about living in the middle of nothing and no-where and nobody, and today, there were about, on average, maybe 25 people around us at IKEA and SHE complained about there being too many people! BUT… she INSISTS upon living IN MTL and if I say ANYTHING against it (facts only here), SHE has a shit-fit! I don’t know: THEY don’t seem to see the fucking spiral that place is taking… or… they don’t give a shit. Either way… not my monkey… not my circus. – And….. So… one thing here… when we got back to the house, Viv KNEW that I wanted to get cigarettes, but we NEVER bothered to stop any-where… So when we got back to the house this evening, SHE took a nap… I WALKED up to Tillemont, across to de Lormier, back down to Jean-Talon and to the house… stopping at EVERY dép until I got to de Lormier and Everette where the guy had only 7 packs and they were Kings but I got them anyway. AH.. when I got BACK to the house and told of my adventure? “You could have taken the car, had I thought about it earlier, It would have made more sense.” WOAH? D’ya THINK? I say nothing. We also could have stopped at a larger dép or marché whilst out on the road. Me? None of my business. I say nothing… as always. I got what I wanted. The rest? Makes no difference to anybody… as usual. – Now then, in a chat about “living spaces/conditions” and the sort, the conversation moved toward that little farm-house in St-Armand that I like… but suddenly…. Talking about places to move to, I mentioned the little house on the Dutch and how much I’d like to rent it but, if the border is closed at 16.00, I’d have to drive up Frelighsburgh or Philipsburgh and that’s rather a long drive. The comment/reply was “Especially when you don’t HAVE to!” Right… and there I’m sitting on half a sofa, the other half buried in “Ricardo” and “Canadian Living” and “Sears” magazines… that I suppose HAVE to be purchased and collected, along with the owl tea-lights, extra glasses, little computer lights, this, that, and all the other things that “I buy because I like them, I enjoy them…” etc. Quite the nerve, that one there. Oh well. Let’s just blame it on the “fatigue” caused by the “depressive mind-set”. OK. “… when you don’t HAVE to…” and this along with the “I have things that I like, that I enjoy…” a SHIT-LOAD of “things” that you have scattered all about the flat, collecting dust and such, and being in the way. “don’t HAVE to”, indeed. This, and the “If you’d smoke regular cigarettes…” and the rest about if I would do things the “regular” way. Me? Right-oh! It’s rather annoying. Ah… but I see now, as I type, that that’s probably why I don’t JUMP at the opportunity to spend time together these days: I’m on constant guard, holding my tongue, letting insults roll, because if *I* say something in humour, it’s taken as a slap in the face. But if *I* take something said to me as an insult, *I* am the one being over-sensitive. Its’ exhausting. Oh well. I let this roll as well. – As for the rest of the day-into-evening? Plans were made for tomorrow’s meal. Viv was to made dressing to go with the turkey, and a desert of lemon tart which changed to lemon squares, all of which could well have been done today, this evening, but… “too cold” and “too tired” and “need a nap” so, we sat… until it was so late and time to get to bed. – It’s nice being back HOME… I wish I could do it on my own again. I’m not being un-appreciative… I’m just tired of being surrounded by so many people who can’t be even slightly happy about ANYTHING in their lives, who feel at liberty to piss and moan to me, expecting sympathy, compassion and kind understanding from me.. BUT… if *I* say anything… ANYTHING at all about a pain, an unpleasant moment, *I* am whining and there’s a shrug of the shoulders. Oh well… another day… another day… another day…

Sun.5.Apr: (on Monday) It was an OK night of sleep… late, but OK. This morning was what’s become the “usual”: Sit about, waiting, playing the lap-top “slots”, pissing and moaning about “losses” and celebrating the “winnings” until it was too late to prepare the things that had been promised for dinner… TODAY! Ah… so it was a sudden jump into the kitchen to clear space enough to prepare the dressing and that was all. Hey… there’s nothing I can say about it… so I won’t. Chop, chop, scrape, scrape, cook, cook, shower, shower and RUN! Instead of the lemon deserts, a carrot cake… a small carrot cake from the freezer. And… off we go! – But it truly was WONDERFUL to see George, Anna (who was ensconced upon the Lazy-Throne in the dining room when we arrived) and later, David and Sarah (who’d just come from a week-end “up North” in St-Jerome or there-about. Dinner was SUPERBE! Truly! The turkey was moist, the veggies were delicious! More like a Thanksgiving dinner but OH OH OH! SO GOOD! And I ate… ATE AND ATE AND ATE! (One plate of dinner, but I just kept munching on the entrée! Shamelessly nibbling. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t exactly hungry, but the eating just wouldn’t stop! Oh well. And to think, my stomach is bloated to the point where I’m wondering if there isn’t some kind of blockage some-where… but I just kept eating!) We talked. We laughed. George’s voice is strained these days from the cancer. There was much talk about the Health Care he is getting and how terrible the system is over-all. I have to say that at moments it felt rather strange, because I’m more aware of the politics there than most who live in Québec, to think that we were all sitting there, speaking English… it was as if we were a “forbidden enclave” chatting away. Anna told me of an attempted break-in into the house one day, not long back. Seems somebody tried to rob the house as she sat there alone. – We had to step out to have a smoke and today I noticed the house for the first time… in all those years. The front steps to the 2nd floor are SO STEEP! And Viv tells me the place is on an historic registry! Then I learn that George an Anna own that house and 2 others over on Berri! Between the two of them, in property, they’re quite well off. And they’ve got rental income. What I don’t understand is why they don’t rent to Viv… or why she won’t rent from them. They’re both rather fed up with the property maintenance part. But I continue to think, as I’ve always done: one should be more careful as to whom or what one rents one’s property. It all impacts on a neighbourhood and one’s peace of mind so, if one rents to trash… there you have it… trouble. – One thing that bothered me much is how demanding Anna is on David. There was no “asking” him to get things like dishes and such. It was all out-right demands. The poor kid was obviously tired, but she kept almost barking demands. It became a touch uncomfortable for me. But I have to say that if he didn’t approve, allow and enable… He comes to the house when he can and so… Meanwhile, George does the cooking and such… Anna just sits. Yes, she’s got troubles and pains and the likes, and as I’m to understand, she’s in all sorts of depressions because of reaching the age of 65, but still… Yes, it’s not completely correct of me to think so, but I look at me, in pain and such and continuing with “life” over all. And I’m rather surrounded by others who, at the slightest dissatisfaction, will succumb and whine. Alas and oh well then. – Sarah is a bit of a shock to me: SO much like Sarah Mack! The voice, the intonations, the vocabulary, the general disposition, and the body build. At moments I sat and could have sworn she was a clone of sorts. It’s both, endearing and un-nerving. But she’s a sweet girl. And when, on the way back to Viv’s I mentioned how I can’t get over the change in David (I meant how he went from looking like a little penguin… which I don’t say… to being so tall and slender and such) she commented that he goes through many changes when he’s in a steady relationship. He’s “another one”… requiring a relationship. Oh my… Oh well. – We stayed until about 22.30 tonight. HOW? I’ve no idea, since they all talk about always being so fatigued and such. Especially Viv. – Round-up: it truly was a most delightful evening… truly. – When we got back to the house, a smoke, and to bed. But WHAT A DAMNED NIGHT!!! Viv took a sleeping pill before bed and SNORED and made all sorts of sounds all through the night. I was awake and asleep all through. She sleeps almost flat and so there was the choking sounds as well. Bad enough I’m suffering from my own insomnia these days… this was rather torturous. But, it’s as I keep thinking: “The Shelter Days”… and i keep it to myself, save, here.

Mon.6.Apr: 17.50 Well… we’re back.. in Fuklin… dead tired and watching the wet snow falling out-side. My eyes won’t focus correctly. Hopefully it’s just the fatigue, if not… It’s just more of me that’s falling apart here. My legs, my ankles, my feet are so sore. I got in at about 15.15. Greeted boucily by Dixie, the little sweetness that she is, and happily by Ellie, the little dear. The 3 of “them” were sound asleep. HLS in the parlour, Bobo in the bed and Jester in its cave. The Mexishit growled at me. Fuck. I came right into the room, put water on for a coffee, in the hoe of avoiding a nap, and I un-packed the little I had… finished my coffee and laid down for a 40-minute nap that last about an hour. (I still want to go back to sleep!) – This morning,, well, all things being what they are up North, I woke, exhausted from last night’s awake-asleep-awake-asleep cycles and the snoring and the wheezing and the rest. Viv took her shower rather right away, I took mine right after and as I sat down she asked if I wanted to come back today or tomorrow. I, of course, left it up to her. It was decided… today with the usual: We’ll stop for something to eat, stop a Duty-Free (which I’m now glad we did) and I want to make Morses Line. Hey! Good for you. Fine by me. Let’s go. And so we did. – Smoke meat at “Québec” (and it was delicious!) and on the road! – The 35 truly is a wonder, by-passing all the little towns and such. But all the way, she kept finding things and people to bitch about, in addition to the “I need a nap.” and “I’m so fucking cold.” It’s difficult, quite, listening to it. Nothing to be happy about, not even for a moment in time. – Duty-Free on the St-Armand side is really very nice, indeed. Much more than the one on the U.S. side. And I got a litre of Absolute for… 17,00$! (I’m wondering if that will be US or CAD. I hope it’s CAD! The litre we got on the way up was 23,00US so I have a feeling….). We were in, out and on the road… the 7 to the St-Armand rd. When we got to the PO in Highgate, I wanted SO much to stop in so that I could punch the C. in the face, but it had begun to snow quite rather steadily (which was, of course, more to bitch about) and the driver was “on a mission”. No prob. – On the Franklin rd, it was a lot of “I’ve never taken this route.” and “It’s desolate out here.” (We’d taken that very route TO MTL on Friday and it’s the route she takes every time she leaves VT after 16.00, but… no sense in saying.) When we got to the house, I grabbed my things and made it toward the back door so she could leave promptly.. the rest is said. – I’m in my jammies. The temp in here is 17°. I’ve got 6 tea-lights in the pots and the little heater running just enough to take the damp chill out. – When I’d gone down for a smoke, HLS and Jester were in the kitchen warming the left-over beef from their yesterday’s dinner (which, I see, they cooked to almost black… what a waste… “prime rib”… probably just a rib roast… a 50$ rib roast… cooked to black). HLS commented that I’d taken a hair-cut and when I said I hadn’t (that was on what? Thursday?) “It looks very good!” OK, thank you. But the fact remains, that fucking Mexishit was the shit that woke me from my nap… you STILL can’t control it, fucktards. (I pondered putting a clear rubber band round the little shit’s snout… but I don’t want to waste my teeth-bands… I just want out and away from here…). – 19.05 Just up from a smoke… they’re all in the parlour… and apparently, not speaking to me. Oh well… Fukkem. And if I’m not ready to get to sleep in 45 minutes… there’s to be a drink (to knock me out) and I’m off to sleep… I HOPE! – 23.28 AND… HERE WE GO AGAIN! INSOMNIA! If I could, tonight, I’d get into the car, find a nice out-of-the-way place and blast my head off. I cannot… CAN NOT take any more of this shit! Having a drink and hoping. But the insomnia is already leading into anxiety which is leading into more insomnia and the round-and-round commences. –

Tue.7.Apr: 00.47 to sleep try. – 8.08 That was fine. My head was on the pillow and I went out. After a hefty v-ton, but I went to sleep, none-the-less. Woke to the 6.35 alarm and went back to sleep until about 20 minutes ago. OK. There’s snow on the road and the yard and the roof and all over the place and the sky is covered in cloud, so it isn’t as though I’ve slept the better part of a morning away. – I am in PAIN! My gut, my bowels. PAIN! Gas? A blockage? I don’t know. But there’s pain there, all over this morning. – Last night, before bed, I gave the little owl and the IKEA English catalogue to HLS and we went out to the porch for a smoke. It seems HLS is on anti-depressants, Bobo is on anti-depressants, Jester is on anti-depressants. How charming. I wonder if I know anybody who’s NOT. Is it any wonder that everybody seems “wrong”? Nope; not any more. Oh well. – And all the while, I could use some kind of medical help and I have none. Oh well indeed. – Anyway, I’ve had my morning coffee and smoke and am here, in the room, 20° and the day commences. BFD. – 10.53 Caught up with the past few days, the snow is melting, it’s still rather chilly out there, and the house is quiet. My stomach, my guts are SO painful. No words from/about the job. The longer it takes to settle this, the more angry I become. Last night I posted to the Fed Forum. The responses were, thus far: Stupid to trust management and that it truly was a set-up because it was their mistake to do the conversion and the resignation simply took all the responsibility off of them. Well… let’s see where this goes. I’m going to the PO today to see if there’s any mail. I’m not letting this go now… NOW I WANT back pay AND the job! Period. – 19.24 The day is done, as far as I’m concerned. Almost time to dread the re-awakening (even though I’ve napped twice during the day). – I got to the PO today, after 14.00. Diana was on, the mail and the office were a mess! The fellow who can’t read came in and asked for the mail from his box and she gave him a hard time, telling him that she didn’t know him and that she needed ID! I lost it. I told him “Well, they’re getting what they asked for. The want to be a bunch of ass-holes? So let them be a bunch of ass-holes!” and I left shortly after he did. BUT Diana had the fucking audacity to ask “Who’s a bunch of ass-holes?” I just said: “This is the way they want it. This is the way they’ve got it.” and I just left. I was on the line of being livid! Fucking moron. “I don’t know who you area. I’ve never seen you before.” What a fucking blatant lie. Liars. The lot of them. There’s Hell coming from this one. – So then I went over to Hannaford’s in Enosburgh for , amongst other things, another 5lb box of matzoh and some ground coffee and franks for this evening. and my V8 (hoping it will sooth the bloating in my gut). And… back to the house to get Dixie’s Frizbee down from the barn roof. That took the step ladder in a snow-bank but it’s down and she and I even had some time to play this evening! YAY US! B. came out as we were finishing and he tossed it a couple of times and then brought it in. Poor little thing… m’Dixie, she wanted SO much to play MORE. I’ll have to make time for more play for her now. – This evening, and interesting event: My left ear started to itch as I woke from a nap. I rubbed a bit, it stopped itching, then started again. I swabbed it a bit, it stopped itching. But when I came to sit at the desk, it itched a bit more and when I put my pinky in there…. a GLOB of wax came out! it was awful! ICK! I wonder what brought THAT about! – Well… tonight there’ll be no shower I’ve decided. Tomorrow is (I believe) garbage day and I’ll try to wash a bit. Probably bleach the white towel and pillow cases a touch and hope. Then the darks and the new towel. Hopefully “they” made a wash or more over the week-end and the machines are clean. – Viv left a brief message on the Skype today. I left a brief reply. – And that’s the day… it turned clear and sunny and not too cold. Just about all of last night’s snow is gone… forecast is for rain, rain and more rain. Mud season is upon us. – Just finished my peppermint tea. Time for a REAL drink! (at 19.37)

Wed.8.Apr: 7.41 The Whites are in the wash, going fro the rinse, loaded with javel this morning. The garbage (and recyclables) is out in the barrels. I’ve had my coffee and a shit and a smoke. And anther day commences (and I’d rather be dead). – I DID get to bed last night, after a full drink and a half, at about 22.30, with “Pachabelly” playing through the night. And this morning, I woke, on my own, at about 5.00. A deep, dreamless sleep last night. A most welcome deep and dreamless sleep. And woke, on my own, rather refreshed, save the pain in the guts again. But, we can’t have everything now; can we? AND… last night, I got the original, 3-hour video of “Pachelbelly” with the night scene! Not that it’ll do me much good. Maybe today I’ll put it onto CD and see what happens with it. – (This pretty much covers the morning… the message I sent to Viv.. who is to be going back to work tomorrow and, of course, isn’t looking forward to it. OH! That I could go back to work!) Anyway, the sun is shining and the temperatures aren’t too brisk. I don’t know what or if I’ve anything in particular to do, other than the wash… which, by the way, not that it’s “news”, means taking THEIR fucking wash out of the dryer again this morning. Fuck. They will NOT empty a dryer. Oh… well… at least I get MY wash done… including the new towel. Here’s hoping THAT one doesn’t get destroyed as well. Fuck. – “Fuck”. It seems to be the “motto”, the “mantra” round here. – 8.00 Look at that. Well… the whites are back in for another round with the new towel. The “White” towel is still quite pink, however and I’m quite pissed. Fuck these morons! Truly. – Well… another round of washing. (I see Jester is up and stirring already, how charming… may it fall into the fucking toilet and drown.) Then the darks and the day is complete. What goals. What ambitions. – 10.59 3 washes done! The towel and t-shirts are still pink even after the javel. Jester was in the kitchen when I took the used-to-be-whites out of the machine and I commented on how somebody washed something red in the machine and it ruined my clothes and linens. “Musta been that red blanket again. Why did it do that to your stuff and not theirs?” says the in-breed. “Why didn’t anybody take the time to wash the machine out and clean the dryer when it’s so obvious that there was red all over it? Easier to wait for somebody else to do it, I suppose.” said I. “But it only happened to your things and nobody elses.” says the in-breed. “Convenient, isn’t it?” said I… and let the matter drop. Proof of that wise old adage “You can’t fix stupid.” Oh well. At least the new towel washed well. Now, I get to clean the tub and shower and see how it works. Full report to follow. – Still awaiting the predicted ice storm. I find it rather funny when I think back: I left VT to go to NYC on 13 April 2013 and left on a sheet of ice. We’d had a HORRIBLE ice storm on the night of the 11th and the morning of the 12th. I always thought the song was “April showers”. Nothing about “April ice storms”. Time for a re-write. Hmmmm…. – Off to accomplish more with this day. Perhaps a shot (or 2) of vodka in this morning’s coffee? And the internet keeps dropping off this morning. Fuklin Telephone probably needs the bandwidth… Farmyard Porn, one shouldn’t doubt. (It’s the Vermont version of “Ancestry.com”. They trace their family trees. J’lol… and then… j’puke.) – 16.28 Well I managed to record “Pachabelly” and “Night Time In Montreal” onto a CD for Viv and paint a lousy cover thing that I won’t even bother to photogrpahe because, quite frankly, I don’t like it. But it’s in the case and that’s that. I also burned a copy of the video for the 3-hour version of “Pachabelly” for me, in case I want to play it as I sleep. – Other than that? Franks are in the mug to heat for “meal”. I’ve finished the V8 this evening. Jester went out this morning, HLS slept in until almost 14.30 and that’s that for this day. – Me? I WILL be under the covers not later than 22.00 tonight and because she has to get to work tomorrow, no Skype with Viv tonight. – OK then. It’s cloudy, there’s an ice storm in the forecast and I can tell by the mayhem of the dogs that Bobo must be here. I shall eat and… what-ever for the duration of the evening.

Thu.9.Apr: 7.27 Didn’t get to bed until after mid-night again (this morning) and even after a double shot with tonic, had a very difficult time falling asleep! THIS MUST CHANGE! But, I woke before the alarm this morning, and before Bobo took off for work. Yes, THAT FUCKING MEXISHIT YIPPED SEVERAL TIMES! I wonder if that’s not what woke me. None-the-less… it gave me time to balance the chequing account, including this rent payment and the phone and I still have not enough for the next payment of 350 but over 100 CAD&US. So I’m not devastated… I’m not comfortable… but not devastated. – Last night’s snow managed to stick to everything and so, this morning is dreary and snowy. But… it’s only April. We’ve got to get through this month before the grass grows. – And on that note, today I have to pay the rent and the phone and after that… I’m fucking pissed about the PO and have mentioned much on the Forum. I don’t give a shit at this juncture. Nobody’s contacting me with developments so I shall do what I can and what I feel I must. Tough shit. I won’t have “friends” in the service, but then again, I didn’t have them in the first place. – 20.19 The 150 rent and the 47-plus on the phone have been paid. I’ve still got SOME-thing in the account, but most certainly NOT enough to live on for a while. So… it’s time to get nasty with the PO. Indeed. But, the immediate expenses are paid. – And I’m to understand that Pennyarsemoronne is due in a week’s time (or, but hopefully not, this Saturday). Oh hazzah! Must to find a way AWAY! – Well… showered this afternoon. Bed’s made. I’m “done” at long last and “Nick” is as happy as it’s going to get. Oh well indeed. – 23.11 Got caught up in a loop of QI… and doesn’t it figure that at this hour, I don’t want to sleep. – Well, I must note: I asked Viv where she’d gotten the Nivea soap… and, of course, hoped her day went well. At about 21.00 she replied about the day and not about the soap. Honestly. It’s not the first time – Oh, and my stomach is making so much noise with the churnings that I heard it over the ear-buds. I sounded like a conversation out-side the door! And as I type, it’s churning away. Doom? – It’s raining out there and I’ve just come back from a smoke and as I came in, Dixie wanted to go out. I brought her. She peed. Poor thing. Had to pee. And nobody thinks to bring the dogs out for a pee. Disgusting. – Well, once into the fesses-book and lights out. Why? I don’t know, honestly. But, no sense in sleeping a day away… even if it might rain all through. Good for the car though. It needs a bathing. – But QI gave me a REALLY GREAT LAUGH tonight. Thankful for that show… truly.

Fri.10.Apr: 7.40 Awake. Coffee. Smoke. Cloudy. Wet. Rained. My stomach is painful. Bowels grumbling. “Bloated” feeling. And I’m trying to think of something to DO with this day. I want my job back! And from the looks of it, that’s not going to happen. The responses on the forum are all toward “You’re gone. Don’t exist. No responsibility on the part of the PO.” And I’m not beginning to feel trapped. And… this lap-top is fucking about this morning. How charming. Well here we go… time to DIVE! – Oh… and something peed right outside the door… AGAIN! – 8.08 Just back from the loo where, I’m tired of having to line the toilet seat (just like back in the Shelter). Pee on the carpet, lining the toilet seat, wouldn’t DARE to walk in stocking feet… Fucking DUMP! Health hazard all round.. and they blamed the CATS! Retard-in-breeds! – 16.18 I am “cleaned-out”. The room is Hoovered quite well. I’ve toddled next door for some donuts and curds for “meal” in a while. And I’ve the place to my-self… not that that means anything because I’ve not desire to roam about the house for any reason and there’s nothing that I want to accomplish. But it IS rather nice. I SHOULD take a nap… an might just do (or not.. because I’ll be awake at mid-night again tonight and I don’t want to do that!) – I have to shower before bed tonight. And that’s that. And I shall, indeed. – News today: HLS tested “pos” for HepC. I’m rather amazed at the World… I’ve been covering the toilet seat for a while now… and that’s pretty damned GOOD for me! Something, some-how, some times tells me. “Trust your gut. Trust your instincts.” Peter said. – Pennyloafershitarse will be here Saturday NEXT to spend the day with HLS. Bobo will be in PA for the week-end. How charming. Thankfully it’s not a “rent” week-end so there should be NO shit-chat about be… I say “should” because I KNOW there WILL be. But, that’s the way it is. – So for now? I should eat. I just had a choco-milk and am not all that hungry but… – My stomach’s been REALLY BAD all day. This morning it was almost non-stop and when I got to the loo, it just ran and ran and ran. Too much butter last night? Too many matzoht? Who knows? – I need to get busy on getting back to work too. And the snows are melting, the back yard is LOADED with shit AND FLIES. I’d like to do something out there but (a) I don’t “want” to and (b) it’s too early anyway. – On with the evening… what-ever that might be. – Thinking of Ev. I’d ring but I think it best not to just yet. Next week-end… now that the phone is paid… it was due tomorrow. – 24.00 Not being spoken to by Bobo for some reason… oh well… Fukkit. – Showered, clean and had 2 nice drinks. Time for beddie bye. 21° in here! The night is blustery but warm. Hopefully sleep will come soon and be restful and short.

Sat.11.Apr: 9.19 Alarm was set for 8. I woke at 9. WAY over-sleep this morning. Not that I’ve anything on the agenda. But still. Not a good hour to wake. Although, the house is still asleep. Oh well. So what? Really. – Stomach is “bloated” again this morning. I wonder what that’s all about. Can’t imagine. – Windy this morning. Cloudy. Temperature in the room is 19° and no heater last night. But not too terribly cold out-side. – I keep wondering if the barn hasn’t shifted over the Winter. The yard has dropped a bit back there. Ah well. We shall see. – Now, to “fill a day”. I’d thought about going to the PO. I HAVE to get something to eat for the week-end. Don’t know what. And don’t much feel like it. – This morning I noticed that almost a whole bottle of rum got consumed last night. Jester, alone. How nice… to have all that money to drink away. I still have half a litre of the vodka from last week-end. There won’t be much more of that coming along. Oh well. – Ah… I see from last night’s “close”… mid-night to bed again. Irresponsible of me. – 23.40 And again, I’m awake LONG after I’d wanted to be asleep. The day drags along and I keep wanting and needing to go to “nap”, yet, the night comes and I can’t get my body to shut down! – The day? Fucked. Just another day in the room, save for the smoke breaks. – Just up from the last… and B. was out there. We chatted about the roads and the weather. I’d mentioned that I found a photo from the 16th April last… snow in the back yard. Today, most of the snow is gone. The sky is clear tonight… stars… something not seen in a longest while. But it’s chilly… damp and chilly. – There’s a heat-wave coming the next couple of days and Monday is forecast for about 19°!Too hot, too quickly. I dread it… some-how. Maybe though, I’ll get to the rust on the car. That would be nice. Not that I can afford to go any-where… thanks to the fucking Postal Service. – I’m hungry again tonight. There was nothing but a package of Ramen noodles and some triscuit-like biscuits… and some cheese curds. That was all to eat today. But an earlier weighing in the loo says I’m still at 178lbs. Lost a couple of pounds… but still over the 155 mark. But I’m hungry. The reason for no food? Lazy… just plain lazy. Perhaps tomorrow… No… if I don’t go tomorrow… there’ll be nothing to eat at all all day… and I don’t know that I’ll be able to handle that any more. I have to eat these days. – OK. So… no tea. I have, but not the time. And it’s time to get to sleep… and that’s where I shall go. – Viv went for a hair-cut today and I didn’t check back until late. She’d returned to Skype at about 15.00 and when I logged-on to say good-night, she was “on” but I posted a goodnight and logged-off before getting into too much. I’m just not in the mood. She hasn’t sent the POB forms, and didn’t mention them whilst I was there. And she never answered my question about the Nivea soap. I’m tired of asking and receiving no replies. I understand she’s depressed… I do not understand simply ignoring. Oh well… that’s me and how I am. – Now… to try for sleep. I’d like a shower, but not tonight. Tonight… it’s off to bed… and hope for sleep. Amen. – Note: 2 years ago today… Ivan and I took off, over Jay Peak… on the ice… back to NYC where I was greeted with a snarl… and then put up with 2 months of being tossed about like some un-wanted pet… or rag-doll. 2 years ago. I fucking hate this existence. Fucking, fucking HATE it.

Sun.12.Apr: 9.37 OK. So I woke before the alarm at 7.15, dozed until the alarm and dragged out of bed feeling run-over. This morning… because of no food yesterday. But the sun is shining, the sky is blue, I’ve been working on the cover art for music (music… music… still with the music). B&J are awake in the parlour. B. is opening shades, letting the light in for a change and boasted about clearing the cob-webs out of the corners. Alas. Me? I don’t know what I’ll do. I know what I HAVE to do (get food). But not having money or income is dragging my mood into the pits. I’m angry as all Hell this morning. There are bills coming due (insurance on the car and there’s still repairs that have to be done) and the rent… and I’m angry, mad as all Hell. Nice way to begin a clear day. – The barn-thermo reads 60° but the breezes are still cold. It’s 21° in the room but, just as last night, my inner core seems to be cold. Last night was difficult getting to sleep because of the internal cold. But I won’t complain. Soon enough it’ll be too hot… I’ll probably be residing in the car by then, looking for a place to sleep. But, there’s the car now. To find a place in which to reside is on the agenda because, well… the time is coming. Perhaps now, the time go *Check-out*. – 19.10 Just up from a 30-min nap and ready to fall back to sleep! Now, if only I can be this exhausted in another 2 hours. HAH! – The sun shone ALL day today! Dixie and I went out back to get grasses to make a whisk broom (which I didn’t get because there isn’t any). She rather fell into the Groat, and thankfully it was that and not the other because the other brook was churned and smells of COW-SHIT already! (I’ve learnt that they can start spraying again on the 15th! Fuckers!) Well, I did a bit of looking about, but there’s no grasses to use and so, we strolled back to the house and I raked-down the piles of ashed in the yard (because, well, they bothered me) and made the back a bit tidy. Nothing serious. I won’t disturb the flower beds until I know what’s coming up this year (if I’m here long enough anyway). I took down the ever-greens and the corn stalks from out front as well. Cleaner. – Next… the Subaru! THE RUST ON THAT THING! WOAH! In the wheel wells AND INSIDE the rear driver’s-side door! I sprayed it all with clear, letting it dry a bit and then gave a coat of blue. This is getting out of hand here! And I noticed some oil on the engine and brake fluid as well. NOT GOOD! So I’m annoyed even more about the job now. – After the painting and such, I didn’t bother to “clean up” but started the car and took a ride over to… RICHFORD! for “meal”. Stopped at the Dollar General and… FOUND A LITTLE BROOM FOR 1,96$US THAT MAKES A DELIGHTFUL (albeit not perfect) WHISK BROOM! YAY! And, happily there-after, I went to Mayhew’s for FOOD! Brenda was there and we chatted a bit. But I didn’t stay long. It was already about 16.00 and I was hungry. So, I grabbed (of all things… 2 little “Slim Jims” because something in that store smelled SO good and I HAD to have at least one!), a potato and a macaroni salad each, a bag of rolls, 2 choco pies and a package of cookies and I was off. OH! As I parked, Richard called down to greet me and as I left, we chatted briefly as well. It’s SO SO nice to have people to talk with in a town… unlike this one here… Fukkedlin,where, even as I worked a bit in and on the car, right there, nobody even nodded. Fukkarsed bastards. – And so, with bag of goodies, I returned o’er the Lake rd. On the way TO Richford, there was an OTTER prancing on the ice! One the way back… well… The roads are a mess! And to make them even worse… THE FUCKING SHIT SPREADERS … on the way TO AND FROM! They just can’t wait! And of course, they were in front of… ME! – Oh.. and on the Richford rd. the bicyclists.. whom, notably, would NOT give much room to the motorists! It’s really no wonder bicyclists aren’t very liked. – Well then, on the return, I came in, got right to the room and ATE! ALL OF THE SALADS AND THE 2 PIES AND A TEA! Whew! Nourishment. I watched a coupe episodes of “Goodness Gracious Me” as I ate, then went for a smoke and played Frizbee with Dixie… came back up to the room and napped. And there’s the day. – 19.28 and the sun is setting but there’s still day-light out there. I want to shower before bed tonight… and I shall. – Note: As I was getting ready to clean/paint the car, Bobo was cutting sweet potatoes to make crisps… when I returned, they’d eaten. Must have been a relief for them… knowing I was gone as they ate… and a bit anxious… hoping I’d not return before they’d done. I’m just sayin’. – 23.48 Fukcing house stinks from another one of those wax scents. – The tea-lights are out and it’s still comfy-cool in the room… hot day tomorrow? – Thank goodness for the little light on the lap-top. And I am off to bed!

Mon.13.Apr.: 7.37 Yes… turned the alarm off and dozed again. Good morning. It’s warm in the room and yet not even up to freezing out-side this morning. But the sun is pouring in through the filthy windows and I’m wondering what to do with this day. Terrible. It’s just terrible. – Well, nobody else ever gave so much to a fucking job to get so screwed. Indeed. – Monday… 2 years ago I was back in NYC. These were the rough days back there. And would I, do I even have the slightest desire to go back? HELL NO! Just… HELL NO! – 14.24 HOT out there today! Sunny too. And I’m in no mood. Went looking for the tarp in the barn again. It’s not there. I’ll be it got “tossed”. Oh well… wasn’t mine to begin with. So I cleaned the back out a bit, straightened it up, did a bit of “repair” to the garden and that’s about it. – I’m at wits’ end with the fucking dogs barking at me when-ever I go out and come back in. When I came it the last time, I stopped to speak with Lyle and the fucking Mexishit started the row. So I merely said “Shut the fuck up.” and L. asks “Are you in a bad mood?” He probably heard that the last time the dogs barked this morning, I kicked at them.. fucking pansybitch from Burlington, that one! Anyway, I said “No. I’m just fed up with it. It’s like a screaming brat in a super-market.” and motioned toward the fucktard who was , fortunately, on the phone. Honestly… I do all I can to be as quiet as possible and have to put up with this shit. And with better weather coming, I now have to look forward to leaving the house and staying away for as long as possible, no in-and-out for fear of the screeching fuckshit. – Anyway, I got an e-mail sent to the “union” asking about any actions so that I can report to the EEO. I also send a nasty complaint about late mail to the on-line postal service. I’ll be in deep shit, no doubt. – Almost 15.00 and I’m exhausted! This is stupid! I don’t want to bother going to the PO today because I’d really rather be in the sun, but that’s not about to happen (I need a recliner out there!), and I don’t want to use the gas and wear on the car. So… it looks like a nap is coming and I’ll decide after that. – Bread and butter for “meal” today… so it looks. – 20.24 I had a drink earlier… helped quite a bit with the “mood”. Having matzoh at the moment and waiting to connect to internet. – Played frizbee with Dixie whilst listening to music. And the front “eye-brows” are fixed. So too, the trellis for the climatis out back. – WINDOW OPEN TONIGHT!!! AT LAST! – But not a good day for food. Bread and butter and a few cookies. – Watched a few videos on Lake Champlain before bed and that brought me to mid-night, and another light v-ton. I need more booze! If I’m to deal with this shit, I need more booze… or something. The anger, the not-knowing what’s to come. I suppose this is “normal” for me and it shouldn’t bother me at all. But it does… especially since I worked so hard (again) for this fucking job… only to be fucked again. I’m such a complete shit. Really… Time to stop that. Time to simply live a “NO!”. – Another late night. And nothing to say for the day.

Tue.14.Apr: 6.54 I woke this morning, before the alarm. The sun pouring in through the windows. The birds chirping away. “Summer” hours. When I wake with the sun-rise. Nothing to be done. I thought I’d try to put the stained whites through a wash. HLS is ensconced in the parlour. I had coffee and a smoke. 2 packs left. And the first thought of the morning: debts. And anger. And generally pissed-the-fuck-off. Ah.. how charming. – My guts are in knots this morning. Yep… another one of the “Days of My Life”. – WELL WELL WELL!!! It turned out to be QUITE THE NIGHT! The evening rolled along in the usual dull. Although, I DID get to the PO at about 14.00 to get nothing worth the run. AND I did get to the market to get some FOOD for me. Franks for dinner again today. But it was something to eat and so I can’t complain at all. There’s only half a tank of gas in the car now, and money is down to nothing, because what-ever I have is seriously allocated. But there’s food. – I popped off another 2 e-mails to the EEO rep since I’m receiving no word from the “union”. And… I’m really getting rather piss-mad at this whole thing. I know I’ll need an attorney at this juncture. The time to search for one needs to be put aside and utilised to its fullest. – BUT… as the evening rolled into night, I was still awake at about 22.00 and went down for what was supposed to be the last smoke and the house was asleep, save HLS. THAT’S when it turned… I was standing in the kitchen, making with the nice chat when the glasses came out. Screw-drivers! WHY? I’ve no idea. But L. poured me quite the hefty drink, and made a scotch and water for himself and we sat at table to “chat”. When I went for my smoke, he came out for his “smoke” and we chatted on the back porch. He mentioned something about “Huey Louis” playing the MTL Jazz fest. this year and asked if we could go together if it’s at the free concert! I made no promises, of course. I don’t do MTL “with others” because it never turns out well at all. NEVER! And so that moved into the kitchen table to finish our drinks and chat about New York and Florida. He SO wants to move to Florida. I can understand why. There are those who prefer that sort of clime. Me? NAH… My body doesn’t like the bitter cold of up here, but I DO need it. Besides, at the rate things are going of late, it’s time for me to give up give in and check out… soon. (I’m having anxiety attacks over this not working situation and the utter “hate” directed at me. And I’m too close to HOME to move farther away now.) He’s lived in NY… Plattsburgh, and the area. He’s been to Rochester, Buffalo and Syracuse. Ca ce peut tu? So we had some non-stop chatting. It was rather nice. He IS OK to talk with. Even in spite of the ‘what-ever-it-is’ that I sense from him. But that could be that old “Aquarius” thing… He’s too close to the old man in that respect and it just doesn’t settle well with me. – Anyway, by the time we headed for the “close of the day”, it truly was… it was about 24.30 when I finally came up to “crash”. – Well.. Bobo will be leaving for PA on Friday, Pennyloaferjudgementalthingcatsnatcher will be up on Saturday… for the day. This will be an interesting week-end, I might think. – One note though. Before getting to sleep, I got onto the soc.med. I got slammed on the PO “forum” for my reply to a post, so I made a brief invitation to suck my bowels clean (as it were… not so much in those words, but… ) and I do believe I posted some harsh words on the fesses-book because that always kicks my “Nasty Me” into gear… and then… lights out on this Tuesday. But I wonder what the “invite to drinks” was about. Hmmm….. SOMETHING’S coming down the tracks… and that light at the end of the tunnel? Probably a TRAIN!

Wed.15.Apr: 8.39 The whites are in the washer, I’ve had coffee and morning smoke. And I’m wondering how and why I’m awake at this hour… albeit, late. – Tax day AND shit-spreading day. Kiss the fresh air good-bye. They’ll all be out in full force from now on. The ground is still frozen solid under the 8-12cm of mud. But these morons these days… they just can’t wait to get to playing with the dung. Oh well. – The sun is shining though. It’s a bit on the chilled side. The days are warm, the nights are still due to hit zero. But at least the cold isn’t to the bone. And I’m just hoping that the towel, t-shirt and pillow cases don’t disintegrate in the wash… there’s a LOT of “cleaning” chemicals in that water this morning. May it all come out nice and NOT RED! – I don’t know how or why I’m awake at this hour. There’s nothing I “need” to do today and I could well stay in bed. But, that’s not how I’m wired. Thankfully, no hang-over from last night’s “Cocktail party”. Oh well.. Here we go (again)… another day. – 17.13 Just up from a nap (thanks to the shit hounds and the Mexishit). – Well, against my better sense, but simply to have something to do, the ice and snow are now completely gone from the back yard. The dog shit? Oh, that’s still there, of course. Not my creatures, not my shit. But the yard is raked and such. And that’s that. Fukkall. – Now, for a hot tea, because it’s a bit on the chilly side in the room (the window is open though… and tonight I fear it will have to be closed again). And then? Fuck the rest of the evening. – Oh, the towel, t-shirt and pillow cases? There’s still red on them, but much less… thanks to being dried in the sun. Ah… the sun. –

Thu.16.Apr: 1.55 INSOMNIA STRIKES AGAIN! – FUCK ME! – 9.01 CA CE PEUT TU? JUST waking up this morning! Well, I suppose I deserve this. 7 hours of sleep…as it were. “Sleep”, what a joke. – Had my coffee. Had my smoke. Put WD40 on the back doors to keep the noise level down, from the door and hopefully from the fucking barking. And now? Another day. “I don’t shit a fuck.” to be quite honest. But the sun is shining again and the back yard is snowless. So? So. – 17.45 Trying so hard NOT to try for a nap! It’s really great weather out there and I feel I should be out in it, but I just don’t care to be. I could be turning the old sofa into a yard bench. Don’t want to. I could be doing some yard work… there’s another freeze coming one of these nights. So, here I am, in the room, on the bed. BUT I DID get the roses on the south side of the house pulled back today. And did ever so little “cleaning” of the back-yard… though NOT the dog shit (which I will NOT do). – I turned-in the keys and closed box 212 in 05457 today. And as I hear from Lisa, the Sheldon office is coming available again. Seems “Jennifer” is going to “window training” in Enosburgh, Rachel is PTF in Highgate Ctr. now and Jennifer will be “converted” to the other position (or is it that there are 2 PTF’s there already? I’m not sure at the moment but still, Lisa says the Sheldon office will be posted). IF I catch the posting and apply and DON’T get it back, I’ll go after them for “retaliation” against the EEO claim. Then we shall see. Hopefully it won’t come to that. Meanwhile, my heart is searching for work back across the lake in NY. Truly, I want to go back.. if I’m to survive this life much longer. – B. is in bed. They think he’s got Lupus. They took a biopsy yesterday, and tomorrow morning, if all goes as planned, he’s leaving for PA in the morning. THAT we shall see. – I don’t know about the week-end trip to Cowansville, even though there are things I need at Walmart and Jean Coutu and smokes. I just don’t have the funds at the moment. AND… I have to pay the car insurance the coming week. There goes my 200 in 5s. Alas. – And so, here I am, on the bed. – Tonight’s “meal” was 2 “Portuguese Rolls” with butter and salsa on them. I could have gone to market, I suppose. But half a tank of gas… didn’t go. – Oh well… at least no more rent is due until NEXT Friday. Hopefully something will happen to make that go well… I doubt it.. but what the actual fuck. – 23.34 to bed.

Fri.17.Apr: 7.47 The phone discharged last night at some point and so I woke, just a little while ago, on my own, to the rain this morning. It would seem B has already departed for PA. And I have errands to be run today, I do believe. Must put the cash into the account and pay the car insurance. Yes indeed. And, I need to get some food as well. Last night I got a bit hungry and ate entirely too many matzoht. NOT a good thing, as I feel them laying in the bottom of my stomach, a blob. So yes, food is on the menu du jour today. – Otherwise… not much else. And tomorrow? Perhaps Cowansville. I don’t know. We shall see. – 13.26 Well… this day has passed. – JohnB. showed this morning and Jester tells that L. didn’t even bother to get out of bed. JB asked about the PO and Jester took it upon itself to tell that things “aren’t going so well”. Fucktard. Me? I thought: TWICE you were told to leave and TWICE I was asked to facilitate and TWICE I refused… YOU OWE ME BIG TIME FAGGOT! – And on that note… I continue. – Decision as to whether or not put the insurance money into the CU. I have to get to the market to get food. Tomorrow I have to shop in Quebec. Today, I don’t feel like doing anything at all and I certainly don’t feel like running the car. Imagine, I thought that having the car would be such a delight and now it’s turned into a “decision”. Alas… never peace… never peace. – This computer is making me angry… slow and stalling and such. – *** I FOUND OUT WHAT THE STENCH OF “BAD BREATH” IS! IT’S THE PISSING ON THE FLOOR OUT-SIDE MY DOOR! FUCK! IT’S GAGGINGLY DISGUSTING! I NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP THE FUCKING DOGS AWAY FROM THE DOOR! – 16.10 Back from the PO (change of addresse in), and the market (no banque nor petrol today). The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the air is warm, THE CAR STINKS OF GAS, BUT…. there’s TWO kinds of pepper in the hall outside the door!!! Bye-bye doggies! YAY! ME! And I’m EATING! So YAY ME again. I got a package of franks for the next two days and now am having turkey cold-cuts on bread. There’s donuts and crisps for later or when-ever, more coffee and such, and TWO boxes of breakfast cereal (on sale at 2 for 5,00). Oh, and I got em a jar of pickles too. Delightful – HLS is STILL in bed (Jester tells s/he and “hubby” went to bed at 18.00 last night… hubby departed at 23.00 and well… the bed-stay comes as NO surprise at all. We shall see what tomorrow brings… Eh?) – NOT my circus. NOT my monkeys. – I just hope the peppers go un-detected and yet… work. – (Sat.morn.) The other two didn’t wake until almost 16.00! Ca ce peut tu? This house. I amused me in the room most of the day. There’s much I’d like to do with the yard, just to make it look “neat”, but I know there will be a few more nights of cold, and I don’t want to disturb anything this year to see what, if anything, has re-seeded from last year. Even the “garden” in the back might have volunteer tomoatoes. So I resist the urge. The yard needs raking and the likes. But you know? I got the rose bushes done and trimmed the shrub over by the phone company. I’ve done “something”. – Received some kind of letter from the PO about “retirement” on my contributions to the fund. Maybe I’ll just get that money. It’s probably only about 30 or 40 dollars… gas money. I don’t know. But it can wait until Monday, I’m sure. This is all getting to me these days. – But I’ve eaten today, so there’s a good thing. – LATE tonight I checked to see if there was any sort of “word” from Viv. I don’t know what to tell her about tomorrow. I do need to do some sort of light shopping and I do need to do it in Quebec. But I don’t much feel like making the trip. There’s a car out there now and I don’t want to travel. Makes no sense at all. I’ve cigarettes through Monday… no emergency there. I think I’ve enough toiletries to last awhile. And I calced the cost of gas here and there. It comes to about the same on both, provided I use the currency in each. So that’s not a major issue either. Imagine this: it’s like the very old days of “ForEx”. How cute. (I WANT MY JOB BACK!) – And so, other-wise, I’m sliding down-ward into that place called “Depression”. Fully aware of it. I can actually feel it in my body. But there’s nothing to be done about it. I keep thinking of those who aer under medications and the likes… the three in this house and Viv… and so many more. And then me… dealing with it, dodging it. Oh well… oh well… oh well indeed. – Tonight, some more episodes of QI, mostly those I’ve already seen. And then some science from Neil DegasseTyson, as the TV down-stairs is re-re-re-re-runs of crime shows. – Bobo’s in PA and the world in VT goes to the shitters. The air is already growing heavy with that. The spreaders are out already. They just can’t wait. Honestly, I swear these people are obsessed with the stuff. – Browsing the PO wants… and looking into NY. I should take a toddle o’er to Plattsburgh and re-acquaint. Perhaps one day the coming week… I’ll be needing an escape the coming week. (I need an exit now already.)

Sat.18.Apr: 0.04 having a v-ton. Can’t take this shit any more. I was ready for bed at 20.30 last night! But HLS is washing the shitty clothes. It will be interesting to see when the sister arrives later today. – 1.30 to bed. At last! – 8.18 I had a 5.00 alarm… useless. I had a 6.00 alarm… equally useless. And now I’m awake, up from the smoke and ready for a nap. Nose-bleed during the night. I wonder. But it’s a sunny morning and… well… we’ll have to see where this goes. I don’t much feel like making the trip to Cowansville this morning. But, there’s no telling what this day will shove at me. – 12.53 Life… most amazing at times. I’d gone for another “nap”, alarm set for 12.30 and was dozing when I heard “a car” out front. Yup… MA has arrived. And of course, at a time when I wanted a smoke. So I went down and was nicely greeted by Pen. Took Dixie and Ellie out. Ellie dumped 5 loads of shit in the yard (and I will NOT be cleaning that up either)! Dixie played Frizbee. And when we all came back in, so too did Bruce, with their “mop”. Meanwhile, Jester has finally removed from the bed and has conquered the loo and shower. (I’ll never understand why that bothers in the loo. But… no doubt, another hour there.) – Me? I’ve returned to the room where things are “clean” and neat and calmer. – The skies are darkening. I’d entertained going out to the yard, maybe even the front. But not in the rain… or… I’m still considering. In any event, I’m rather glad that I didn’t take off for Cowansville if it’s to rain. Even as I type, the winds are approaching as well. Time to check the météo here. If this will miss us, I just might do the front yard… might. – Rain… from 13.10 (and it’s beginning) to 15.10. 2 hours of … ? – (Sunday morning) It was a dull. DULL day. Penny and Bruce didn’t stay long at all! Hair-cut and gone. The house returned to dull-as-usual. HLS washed blankets and as I’m to understand from Jester, took the clean blankets and returned to the recliner and to sleep. – Me? I stayed in the room. Had a late “meal” of 4 franks. – Not a word from Viv all day. I’d told her I wasn’t feeling well. OK. No word. – Got nothing accomplished though. I don’t care. – Oh… on the fesses-book, it seems “Sadie’s” daughter is having troubles… as the story goes, her eldest was raped by a cousin… years ago, as I’m to understand, and is in a major depression because of it. Sadie was feeling useless because she couldn’t be with the daughter. And me? Once again the thanks came for being so helpful and supportive and such. Once again… and if the whole thing was turned round and it was me in need of support.. there’d be complete silence. That’s how this world goes. – The “news” part of the soc.med. is a mess. It annoys and aggravates me to no end. This world is so full of people who simply whine wen horrors happen, and all the while, they just sit there, enabling. Seem the Muslims are taking over the place, with violence and such. And the world… and this country… enable. Well, I keep in mind: this is why I returned to the “North Country” where such things usually do not take place. I came here to get away from it. But, coming this far to the North brought me this close to MTL where, even though it’s a MUCH smaller “city” than NY, they too, have more than their share of shit. And so, it trickles into life here. I wonder if I could actually dodge it all… something like Viv manages to do. Don’t look, don’t know. It’s not “me” not to pay attention. But it might be in my best interest. – It was about 23.00 when I looked at the clock and downed one last “normal” v-ton. The vodka is almost gone. It lasted quite a while. I’m rather impressed. And I’ve another full pack of smokes! THEY lasted longer than expected as well But the trip to Cowansville is inevitable. But not tonight… tonight… sleep. And the hope of waking at some hour in “early”morning tomorrow. None of this 10.00 bullshit. – As usual: all day I want to nap. Comes 21.00 and my body goes into “WAKE-UP!” THIS must stop… NOW! I’m surging forward and down-ward… into Depression! But it’s now wonder…

Sun.19.Apr: 7.47 Sun shining through the windows and heat… it’s 20° in here but I’m in a sweat, coming up from a smoke. I wonder why that it. Hmmm…. one of “those” days. – Had 2 “normal” v-tons before bed last night and just drifted off. I t was later, MUCH later than I’d wanted, almost mid-night, I believe, but I drifted right off to sleep and slept quite well. Had a dream, but the only thing I can recall is:
I was helping some woman, whom I liked, in a store, (like Mayhews’s). The proprietoresse was short-staffed and harried. As she helped another customer, I pitched right in making the coffee. At one point, somebody wanted a Lottery ticket so I swerved to get one and the woman said “You do know that there’s a camera on that.” And indeed I knew that but was going to help her out anyway. I stammered a “No…” and then admitted knowing and said “Good. Let them see how hard you work here.” and she smiled. “When they came to get me I’d simply say that I was helping you because you’re so short-staffed and you’re putting everything into this place.” and she smiled kindly and said “Yeah, you were.” Then she came to get the coffee pot and as she reached for it, it slid, perfectly, from the maker, across a bit of the counter and gently into a little basin of some kind of black washing water. I marvelled at how delicately it happened, disappointed as I watched it sink into the basin, and she said that it did that sometimes and how stupid of her not to pay attention. I said “Things like that happen.” and she agreed. Just as we were getting another pot to put on, I woke.
Well that was the dream. I’ll ponder it a bit through the day… or probably not. – Meanwhile, it might be a good day to head to Cowansville… but maybe not. I’m not yet in the mood. I’d like to do the yard work but there IS snow in the forecast for the end of this week. How charming. So that’s probably not a great idea. Perhaps I could just “tidy” the front a bit… just to make it look like something’s being done. I don’t know. We shall see. – 21.56 SHOWERED and in bed. Considerably later than I’d planned and hoped and expected. But in bed, none-the-less. – Accomplishments for the day? The front of the house is a bit “cleaner”. I managed to put the leaves onto the flower beds. Got the leaves out from under the roses out front and cleaned the gutter quite a bit. – News of the day: Cecil is in Stage 4 cancer. Jackie stopped to talk with me whilst I was out front. Seems he will be trying a new treatment in addition to radiation. He’s got a tumour on his spine in addition to the throat. Recently had a tumour removed from his throat “4 inches long by 2 inches wide”. He’d complained about feeling some kind of “flap of skin” in his throat and they found the tumour! THROAT! MORE throat troubles in this state! I swear it’s the liquishit they spray. But what do I know? Eh? They didn’t listen when I told them that the Pelham Landfill was toxic. But when I left, they closed it. But I’m the stupid one. Anyway, when Jackie left I said to say “Hello” to Cecil. “He’ll appreciate that coming from you. He likes you.” she said. And Cecil, I like you too. So sad we never got to talk with each-other more often. I’ll try to make myself available in case of need there though. It’s what should be done… for friends. – Dixie spent a lot of time out-side today too. But she’s not eating for some reason! I have to shake her paw, give her kisses and encourage. Funny, but the same thing works with the Mexishit as well. I have a way with the critters in this house. Not so much with the people… but that’s the way it’s always been. But Dixie’s lack of appetite worries me quite a bit. I wonder what’s going on with her. – Bobo’s returned from PA today… all crisp and clean and such. I got to talk with him about his return trip when we had a smoke together. I know the matter of “rent” will be coming up shortly. – That said, I HAVE to get up to HOME tomorrow. Am short on smokes (last pack opened today) and I need soap and vitamins! Why the vitamins? Hopefully they actually ward off some kind of shit that would other-wise leave me impaired… and I will NOT have THAT happen… until I’m out of here and can get HOME to drop. – Not a word from Viv today. I know she goes to George’s on Sunday for dinner but… not a word. Hmm… On a shit list, am I then? Oh well.- Lovely comment about being such a wonderful “friend” from “Sadie” on the fesses-book today too. How charming. I’m always there… for them. – Note: Jackie said something to that effect today as well: Always trying to be there for others but these days she’s all in. Oh how I know SO well, just what that’s all about. – Well… a bit of tea and some “TV” or another and to bed! Nothing much on the agenda for tomorrow. Rains are coming for the next couple of weeks… those “April showers” will plunge into the last 2 weeks. Spiffy. Let’s hope the car holds for the trip HOME and back. Other-wise, I don’t want to get into a rut of sleeping-in. Shit! The other two hardly got out of bed all week-end! None of my business. Not my monkeys. Not my circus.

Mon.20.April: 6.57 indeed. I woke at 6.33 this dreary little morning. Its chilly in the room because the window is still open. The rains are about to come. But I woke at 6.33 on my own. How nice. Last night, I watched one episode of QI and when it was done, I put out the lights and went to sleep, at about 23…. something. And now I’m awake… wondering why. But there is one thing on the agenda… Cowansville. And the stores don’t open until later so, I am awake on time for that. Feeling a bit like shit. But I’m awake. – Last night, as i watched QI, there was a knock at the door. HLS. I had only the little IKEA light on an the ear-buds in so there couldn’t have been much light and there was no sound coming out of the room. But still.. the knocks. I feigned not hearing… “I had the ear-buds in”. I can imagine what it was for: a lighter… for the weed-pipe… no doubt. Oh well. – Now, this morning, I can’t help but think of Cecil. I know of a patient in Calvary who died by suffocation from a tumour in the throat. And this morning I keep thinking: Birth must be a horror, life is a horror and there is no peaceful, pain-free way to die How awful to become “us”. Life is not a blessing, as too many have been brain-washed into believing. Life is a curse. Perhaps out birth is the Hell of scriptures. We are born to die… simply put. And in the interim, we are made to work, toil, and suffer. Life isn’t worth the bull-shit. Not at all. – And on that thought, we begin the day. – This is the horrid week as well. Rent is due. I don’t have it. Or… I do, but then I won’t have the car insurance. Nor will I have the little extras, like vitamins and smokes. Oh well… I don’t have… of course I don’t. That too has been my “life”… not having. We are not here to “have”. We are here to suffer until we die. – Good morning. – 9.37 The little heater is back on. The window is closed again. And the rains are just beginning. I’ve napped about 20 minutes. And there’s no need to get out until the heavy rains pass… after 11.00. And so… here we are… Monday morning. So BFD. – 22.20 NOTHING… nothing accomplished all day today. The winds were entirely too strong at gusts reported at 128km/h and the intermittent rains all day. I wanted to go HOME but just didn’t favour the notion of being stuck, if the car suddenly decided not to run. But tomorrow isn’t an option. Out of smokes and out of vitamin C. So… tomorrow it will be. – Spent a lot of time on the Internet though. Not doing much of anything to be proud of. But it passed the day. And of course, now, when it’s time to sleep, my body is waking up. But I’ve got the little computer light on and tea-lights in the pot-heater. The wind is hammering against the window. I should have closed the storm but I didn’t. I’ll be sorry in the morning, no doubt. – Oh… “they” got a new “Gay” flag today. Canvass or something like that. It’s being pummelled by the winds as I type. More money.. I wonder if Pennydearest didn’t pay that too. (There’s an envelope in the kitchen marked “Receipts Paid In Full”. It must be nice to be able to rely on somebody else to cover costs. Oh well. So much for that. – Now, I’ll try to relax a bit and get to shut-eye by 23.00 Hahahah. Indeed.

Tue.21.Apr:
HOME
Apr: 7.09 And I did wake at 6.05 and then went back to sleep. Woke to the alarm. And then dozed. And woke again, had coffee and a smoke and I’m now in a burn for some reason. Went to sleep at about mid-night. Watched a few “bits” of “Fry and Laurie” after being wound by the news of the world. But, it didn’t take very long before falling asleep. I just have to put out the lights when it’s time to go to sleep, I suppose. – Another rainy day. And today is not a “choice” day but a matter of getting out of here. There’s snow in the weekly forecast now. I MUST get on the road today. – Last night, in an attempt to clean the “browser”, I knocked EVERYTHING out! Had to re-set the thing. How I fucking hate that something “traces” me! Honestly. This world is a mess. I wonder if something, some-where isn’t tracking my bowel movements (which is something I now must to as well). – Oh… soon… out of this mess. Soon. But never soon enough. It’s as I thought yesterday: It seems there’s no pleasant way of checking out of this shit. No matter what, it always involves some kind of pain. Birth is pain, life is pain, death is pain. It’s all pain And even there-after, no guarantee of no more pain. “Being” is pain. I’m sick of people and their “You woke up today, you’ve been given a new day, life is a blessing.” Bullshit and bollocks! This is, no matter how you shake it, a curse. Hateful curse. – So… on with this “new day”. – I worry about the car breaking down. But… that would be my “life” if it does. If not? SOMEBODY made a terrible mistake! – Oh… and the house stinks of flatulence and bad breath. Delightful. – 10.42 TO THE SHOWERS and away we go! I hope. – 18.12 (the overture) Well, the sun’s come out and the sky is blue(ish). I’ve eaten, and bitten a chunk out of my right cheek. How lovely. Great way to wind the day. –
Made it to Cowansville though. Let at about noon, in a bit of rain, and would have made the exactly 20 miles trip in spiffy time… had it not been for two totally bored broads at the W. Berkshire crossing. FIFTY MINUTES!!! THEY TOOK MY BACK-PACK APART, LOOKED INTO ABSOLUTLEY EVERY SINGLE THING IN IT INCLUDING THE 5s AND THE FLAGS AND THE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER!!! THEN THEY TOOK MY PHONE AND BROWSED THROUGH THAT. AND ONE MADE ONE OF THEIR SPECIAL TELEPHONE CALLS TO WHERE-EVER! I REMAINED EVER SO CONGENIAL THROUGH THE ENTIRE SORDID LITTLE AFFAIR AND WAS THANKED FOR MY CO-OPERATION! FUCKTARDS! I CAN WELL IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT… NO DOUBT SOMETHING FROM MY SOCAIL MEDIA! BUT I MUST SAY THAT THEY WERE EVER SO ATTENTIVE WHEN I SPOKE OF THE BOOK, AND THE HOMELESS AND SUCH. ONE ASKED IF I WAS INVOLVED WITH THE HOMELESS IN MONTREAL AND ASKED IF I’D SEEN ANY IN BEDFORD OR COWANSVILLE. THEY WERE QUITE TAKEN WITH THE FACT THAT THE PHONE IS SET UP IN FRENCH AND WE CHATTED ABOUT THAT AS WELL. INDEED, I WAS EVERY BIT THE GENTLEMAN. FUCKTARDS. I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO JEAN-COUTU BY ABOUT 12.40, BUT AFTER THAT SORDID LITTLE STINT, I DIDN’T ARRIVE UNTIL WAY AFTER 13.00! THE CLINCHER: THER WAS NO CAUSE FOR THE INTERROGATION!!!!! WELL, THAT’S A BIT OF A RELIEF IN IT’S OWN FASHION. BUT I AM THOROUGHLY PISSED ABOUT IT NOW.
– Still, the drive went ever so well and truly, the Jean Coutu isn’t all that far away. Nice to know. – I got the Nivea soap AND a bottle of VitC there. Then headed over to Walmarde for face stuff. They didn’t have what I’ve been using but they had the cream I used to use so I got that… since I was there, and a bag of 4 Coffee Crisps so I’d have something to eat for the day. And… I browsed. It might have been nice to have company, but it was actually better being solo. I got to look at things, decide not to get things and that sort. AND, I don’t think I spent a fortune (although I put a rather harsh dent in the account for which I shall be sorely sorry when I calc it all out later). – On the return, I stopped at the Sonic in Dunham and they had my smokes!!! So I got 4 packs (not enough but I didn’t dare spend for the carton, and, since I decided to save on the gas and return the way I’d come in and had under a half tank… well… I needed the money more). But I got my smokes (for the next week or so). – At the crossing into VT, the young fellow there is a Franklin-folk who recognised me from the PO! We chatted a bit until the next car came through and I headed directly to Hannaford’s. Only 40-something on the food left now too! I’m hitting the bottom again. And I’m none the happier for it! – A quick drop into Hannaford’s for franks, bread, turnovers and crisps and 2 tins of fruits and I was out. – A stop at the Mobil for 20$ of the Regular. I can’t afford the better and well… it’s just under “Full” again! Yippee! I was going to try for the full 30 that I had but, well… at least the tank is full. – The trip back to the house… I got the car up to 100kmh! A short distance, as it were. But the Subaru got me THERE AND BACK! I notice a bit of a “hum” front passenger wheel at 80kmh. But other-wise, a most delightful adventure today… save the fucktard bitches at the border. But… oh well. – Back at the house, Dixie hadn’t eaten her breakfast again but, after a bit of kisses, she finished it all… as was witnessed by HLS and Jester. – I spoke with HLS about the ordeal at the border and… NO! I will NOT travel with THAT company… EVER! “I would have told them ‘fuck Canada’!” and “I would have told them that’s MY PERSONAL item (the phone)!” Well, you do that… with your chums there, not with me. – And so, I came up to eat my cold franks on my Portuguese rolls, whilst watching a “Vicar of Dibley” and chewing on the inside of my cheek. – After, a Firzbee with Dixie who made it difficult again and the end. I’m a tuch miffed about that but… – And I have to put more pepper out-side the door… she was right there, waiting for me when I went for my smoke. – That said, it’s 18.35 and I’m exhausted. I’d like to go out and enjoy the bit of “light” but I’ve no reason other that to go out so I won’t. – OH! I got a little lady-bug solar table light for Viv! 5$ WTF? No telling how or when I’ll get it to her, but I have it anyway. Maybe I’ll take a photo to attach to Skype this evening. I don’t know. – So that’s that and that’s the day and now the evening and I can’t wait for bed-time. – But I made the trip… there… and back… and there’s gas in the tank and food in my belly. The end. – 20.26 I am in bed. I am tired. I am hoping to be asleep by not later than 22.00 tonight. I have to get the garbage out tomorrow morning. I would very much like to wake up dead tomorrow morning. THAT would be delightful.

Wed.22.Apr: 7.35 another morning of waking after the alarm having gone to sleep at mid-night the night before. But the garbage is out, the sun is shining, the birds are busy and my stomach feels as if it’s about to explode. Another morning. – Early this morning there was all sorts of noises and the likes. Dogs barking and such in the hall. HLS is in the parlour (no washing today… not that I’ve that much to do, mind, but still). Even last night, as I watched my few episodes of QI, there was a virtual party in the hall. Honestly, how these people have no concern. “Shelter” days. And I’m trapped here… again… Trapped. Horrid. – Nice thoughts for the first thing in the morning. Nice. Ah, but there’s toiletries. That errand was done. BFD. – Work… I have to find work… or something to get me out of here for the days. I need to figure a way to work for me, generate income. – I balanced the account yesterday after shopping. 60-something if I shop at “HOME”, 40-something if I try to shop here. How odd… how odd. – 15.33 A funny thing happened on the way to the PO… just now… I tried to adjust the frequency on the wipers… in the rain… and pushed the end of the stem and suddenly… SUDDENLY… SPRITZ!!! WASHER FLUID! ALL OVER THE WINDSHIELD! WOOHOO! Well, as they say… CA CE PEUT TU? IT DOES WORK! The “pull-stem” function-thingie doesn’t do, BUT the “push-the-stem-thingie-end-thingie” works quite finethankyou. Oh well then! Hopefully it works as well in the NOT-rain. – OK. So Ms. Thang is back at “my” office so I checked both boxes in silence and left. Fukdatshit anyway. “Init?” – Subaru is not to thrilled with the “low octane” diet and was certain to let me know with low pick-up. But once we got to rolling, we were off at 80kmh! Delightful! Indeed. And we were there and back in about 20 minutes. WHAT A DIFFERENCE THE CAR MAKES! I thought: No rain gear, no squinting the drops out of the eyes, no cold sweating, cramps in the legs, pains in the upper shoulders and knees. THANK YOU NANCI AND ANGELA! And for the timing? Shit… at this point I’d still be on the way TO the PO! Good Kriste this is amazing! – Back at the “home”, I brought the garbage barrels to the garage door, and as I type I see that my timing was quite great: Gena just pulled up and away… mail’s in. Fukdahows. – Mail from the “Retirement”. I’ve got over 200 in there! Hooduthunkit? And here I was thinking of removing some 39 from it! Hey! It stays. Mine! I must take care of me… and then ponder others. I’ve learnt. Besides… there’s always the courts and the extra income and such in my favour… that won’t go anywhere else unless need be. And Jester’s 2-time “invite” to GTAFO with my assistance. So… we roll (for now… until the anxieties and depression kick in again). I also go tthe 5$ refund from that bottle of vodka about a month ago! Doing well there… 10 on hand, 5 there… almost half a tank of gas! In a car that has WORKING windshield washer! – OK! So much for this elation. – Having a tea. Would like to eat, but with food supplies not being too high. I must wait. Not to mention, I’m still trying to get the odour of “bad breath from both ends” out of the room (which I Hoovered today). Jester cooked eggs… for egg salad, I presume. And OMG! THEY FREAKIN’ STINK! (Not my business… not my meal. Which reminds: No more eating cold franks like I did yesterday… the fat does NOT digest!) – Well… the rains they are a-fallin and the time it is a-passin. I’m showered with NIVEA and feeling rather clean and smellie-nice. My nose won’t stop making me sneeze (I was fine in the car… how odd) and running and such. But… this day is coming to a close… I’ll have to approach the matter of “late rent” again. But you know? J’m’en câlisse! Indeed. – 21.33 In bed… day done. Spent some time on the LN fesses-book this evening. No horrid politics on that one. A bit strange, but not as annoying. – My gut is SOOOOO distended! It’s actually becoming painful! I wonder if it’s too much weight-gain too soon or simply the absence of exercise. I don’t know. But I don’t believe I want to know. It’s been almost 2 weeks, if not longer, since it began. I’ll have to weigh-in tomorrow and see. – The Nivea soap has left the faintest but most pleasant fragrance this evening. – And no word again from Viv. Probably pissed because of Saturday. Oh well. Pissed it is then. – Off to some QI or something with tea and then… lights out! Let’s see what tomorrow brings… let’s see if tonight brings any sleep.

Thu.23.Apr: 8.32 Just up from the smoke. – Thought of the morning: Colon cancer? A 20lb tumour? Perhaps. Do I want to know? No. Curiosity says “Yes”. But not until it’s entirely too late to make things “right”. But… No. I don’t want to know – I was awake for the alarm. Went back to sleep until almost 8. Didn’t get to sleep until mid-night again. Looped in videos of British game shows. Silly, stupid game shows. And Trevor Noah clips. They were quite amusing. So I went to sleep… amused. – DREAM fragment: B, L and R and I, sitting on the back porch. A holiday of some kind. They’d bought me a digital camera for some reason. I’d known, because B. had told me in advance. But when he gave me the box and I opened it, it was quite the Canon camera. I opened it and was impressed and said “Whoa, look, it’s a….” and I stopped. L gave B a grimaced glance, B was duct-taping his hand, or fingers or something of that sort, looked back at L and simply looked back down, went back to taping his hand and started to silently cry. R gave me a look of disgust and I thought “It’s about the money. They’ve spent money they didn’t have again.” and in my mind I saw P sending them more money. I’d received a promised gift and was now made to feel like shit about it, wondering how I’d return it for a refund and give them the money back for it. And… I woke. – I woke, at about 8.00… to snow falling. Yes, it snowed again this morning. It was rather heavy for a few moments. None of it stuck. The ground is just wet. And as of 8.41 (already… this morning is slipping by rapidly), there’s the odd flake floating about out there. Snow. Oh well. Why not? – My bowels are crimping and cramping this morning. My stomach’s not as distended as it was yesterday. It feels as if there’s something in there. I’m shitting regularly. Not blocked. Oh well again. Who cares? I most certainly don’t. Probably need a bit of exercise. Yard work, a long walk, a bike ride. Something to move what-ever it is about… and out. I won’t ponder. – Time to do something with this day. This evening, I’ll drop the “tardy rent”. I’ve got to get the car insurance paid though. MUST do that. I need that car in legal” order. here we go. Maybe this abdominal trouble is anxieties. That, and under-cooked food… franks… maybe a ball of mushed and solidified matzoh. Oh, who knows? Who cares, really? Not I. Not others. Nobody. No sense focusing on it then. – 22.52 Tired, and really quite achy. I showered as soon as I got in from the yard this evening. Good thing, that. Got the shower out of the way (at about 18.00), came back into the room and had a double bowl of the breakfast cereal. It’s the only thing I have now for food and it’s almost gone already. OHhhh… had days are coming rapidly along again. But I watched a few episodes of QI (I’ve already seen them… I think I’ve run out of “new”. It was bound to happen, sooner or later, and now it has.) – For some reason, this evening, I tried to file my nails and the CRAMPS! Fingers twisting and locking, contorted, and PAINFUL! I wonder what’s causing THAT! Oh well… break-down time. Long over-due. Make it quick, please. Not in my sleep though. I want to go HOME for it. – In bed now, all tucked away. This lap-top is a fucking piece of shit. – 6 hours cleaning the wood-pile out back today! Why? Because it was a mess back there, it bothered ME, AND… I was hoping that the exercise would take away the bloating and the pain. (The bloating is still here, there’s MORE pain tonight, albeit the “good” pain from having done something) and all I can think of is “The wood-pile’s ready for them for more ‘Friday nights round the fire’. THEM. Most certainly not “me”. As I worked, I thought of sitting round the fire with them… I thought of sitting at the dinner table with them… both notions made me physically ill. To participate in jovialities with people who think me a waste. To have to smile and make merry… with people who talk about me as a piece of unadulterated shit… Disgusting. Oh well… the can say what they like. Liars. Makes no difference one way or the other. Besides, that’s what it’s been since I got to this state. Indeed, it’s time to get the fuck out of here… back to a place where I don’t have to think about such things. Soon… I hope…one way or another. – Finishing the second peppermint tea… I’m off and away now. This day is SO DONE! – May I not be bothered with another. – OH, almost forgot to mention: I’d been looking for the canvass tarp in the back barn? I remembered having folded it neatly and putting it some-where in there. WELL!!! Ca ce peut tu? I FOUND IT! It was in the mess of lumber that had been tossed on the wood-pile! Still all neatly folded, buried under the rubble! Gee… I wonder how it got THERE (as if I don’t know) and WHY! Well, it’s hanging on Cecil’s barn now… to dry out and get a bit of the air and wind and what-ever weather comes along. One of these days, I’ll figure a way to wash it… it’s my solution to the noise-through-the-door situation… and the light. Imagine tossing THAT into the wood-pile. Hmmm…. imagine.

Fri.24.Apr: 6.58 Snow. – A fitful sleep last night. Up and down for some reason. At one point, I recall waking, looking out the window and seeing the snow on all of the cars across the road. And this morning, the snow is still on the cars.. all of the cars, and a bit on the yard as well. Barn thermo is back down to the 20°F mark this morning. Ah… April… no showers… snow. It’s going to be a very quick Summer this year. – HLS is ensconced in the parlour. Fuck me. I’ve got washing to do. – And my bowels are a mess. Of course, a bowl of breakfast cereal and half bag of crisps for the daily “meal” yesterday. And probably about 10$ to put into food. The hard times have returned. I am a mess this morning. A mess. – That one cake of Nivea soap scents the entire room. It smells so nice and clean! – There’s a chill in the room this morning too. Just back from the loo where the heat is coming up, but in this room, it’s only about 18° and damp-chilled. Oh well. – Dark and grey again. Oppressive. Just like the attitudes of the people I’ve met here in the past 4 years. I think I’ll go dig up my “travel HOME” bag today. I’ve had enough. – 14.04 still in the room. Nothing to eat for meals now. Finished the left-over breakfast cereal. A brief and rather distracted chat with HLS. I am, no doubt, high on the shit list again. Well… there’s nothing I can do about that. I should make a trip to the PO. But I think I’d rather wait until tomorrow. Must conserve the gas in the car. No telling when I’ll be tossed out the door in the middle of the night. – I’ve been shitting my guts out thus far today. The”bloating” seems to be diminishing, but the feeling is still there. I never got to make the wash. I could use the sweater today. It’s actually gone rather bitter cold. The house is much cooler than this room though (now that’s a switch). I probably should care,but after last Winter, sitting in here so cold that I couldn’t type, I don’t believe I do care. – Enough… –

Sat.25.Apr: 13.00 up at about 8.00! Chit-chat w/B. The rent came up. “I understand…” Right. – To PO, Diana, bored. 13$ on FS food for 2 days. – Making the wash now. They went out all dressed-up. Jester’s b;day today. Woop. – SNOW agin today too. No accumulation. But almost steady flurries. – Oh well. – Stomach is a mess again. Right leg hurts. Left had still cramps. But wash is in. – Design on FB. Etsy and FB. I need to work on that! Will do.. on the wk-end. WILL DO! Damnit! – 17.23 Tea time! The washes are done! The bed is inflated. The towel is red-free but mildly pink. The pillow cases are stained from the Clorox Clean-Up (of course, something had to be ruined). The room is Hoovered. All’s well there. AND I got time with stimboots too! D’lightful! AND… I’m freshly showered and have had my “Black Pepper Turkey” sandwiches and diced mango. Am down to 174,5 on the scale. And right now? I am tired! “They” are still out there some-where. The “ladies” have been out. The snows have ceased. And the day is at a wrap. – 24.09 Etsy is up and running. Fesses-book is up an running! Business is beginning! Now, to hold on to this momentum! – I’m heating water for a hot beverage and off to bed! A CLEAN, inflated bed!

Sun.26.Apr: 10.55 Of all the hours to wake… 10.00! Well, going to sleep this morning at about 3.00 didn’t help matters at all very much. SO much time invested in getting the “Shop” opened, the fesses-book page and such. There’s more on the fesses-book than on the “shop”, but at least it’s a start. And I’m rather “inspired” to create more. Damned shame I don’t have more yarn. I’d get right into another afghan, to put up for sale (I want to keep the one I have because it’s from Rockaway). It was annoying and rather depressing… Seems Sarah is now in Manchester NH these days, Ollie is a year old. The posts on John’s fesses-book page is all about how much fund they had with “dad”. Fucking ingrates. They’re a mess. Thankfully, I’ve nothing to do with all of that. Still, to think of what’s most likely been said about me, to Sarah. Well, isn’t it always that way? Indeed, it is. I’m talked about as if I’m shit here, no doubt in NYC, and with-in that group. One can only do one’s best. And none of them know what I do… and it makes no difference. Anyway… – The band thermo reads 40°F this morning and when I went out for a smoke just now, it’s really feeling quite “hot”! The room maintained 70°F over-night. – My stomach is churning, last night’s donuts are moving all about. – B and J are in the parlour, all cutesy. Makes me ill. – There are a couple of things I hope to accomplish round the grounds today. Why? Because… fuck me… that’s why. – And so another day of “life” commences… and I am feeling run-down and run-over. Another day. Cursed. That’s all it is… cursed. – 15.54 I’m ready to go back to bed. – Not a word from Viv all week. I wonder… – Just in from putting the little pickette in front of the barn and taking Dixie for a walk down back. It’s 19°C in the room and I feel as if it’s 119. I wonder there too. I keep getting these sneezing fits, runny nose. But only in the room. Hmmm… Curious. – Also re-named all the images in the stock for the “meme’s”. BFD. Eh? And that’s about that. – LS and her Jester are in the kitchen, prepping their dinner. And I’m ready to head back to bed. Sad. – (Monday morning) The day dragged along, as Sunday’s might. Much on the soc.med. At 17.00 I had half of the turkey cold-cuts on a roll for “meal” and the last tin of mango. Much tea all day. Living on tea these days. Oh well. The loo scale read 171lbs so I’m losing but still over the 155. That’ll change soon enough, I’m sure. – Bits of chatting with the house during the day. Just bits. Tonight, HLS asked that we had our final smoke of the day together and we did. And we chatted about music. Indeed, we probably could talk at length about music. We could probably talk at length about many things. I just don’t. He’s got Janis Ian on the fesses-book. Imagine that. How I recall having sent her letters years ago. “Tea and Sympathy” days. – I did find James Taylor on the u-tube last night… “Sweet Baby James”. The LP! I now have a copy. As I listened, late tonight, it brought some tears with the memories. But those were “Then”… and there’s no place for “Then” in the “Now”. – Elaine G. and I had a brief chat on the fesses-book. She’s putting out crochet work like crazy, but Etsy brought her “shop” down for a while. She owes them 16$ for something. Of course, I was so tempted to send it along some-how, but I don’t have it myself. But she’s got 2 other venues so, I promised to re-post links as support. – The “Shop” on Etsy is getting noticed as well. A few whom I “know” on fesses-book are posting my info and there are some whom I’ve never met who are checking it, on fesses-book (the page) as well. I have to get me busy and get some heavier items together. A shame I can’t afford the materials. I could be working on afghans. I must figure a way to get to that. – Anyway, as the day rolled along, by about 20.00 I was completely ready to get into bed… but didn’t, and the time just blew by. It was about 23.30 when I went for the final smoke and just past mind-night when I finally got into bed to watch 2 episodes of “Father Ted”… I don’t know why… I never did find them particularly funny. But I’m at the end of all the “QI” episodes on-line. I have a copy of “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” on the lap-top. I should really get into that. (There’s something about not having the “book” though.) – Oh well. Sunday is done. The 26th day of the month… I have to hold for another 4 days before I can afford food again… if all goes well… and I doubt that.

Mon.27.Apr: 8.16 Slept trough the alarm this morning again. Well… that’s what happens when you don’t go to sleep until after mid-night. Hmmm… And it’s another dreary morning. Wet. Damp, really. It must have rained through the night. But it’s rather on the “warm” side this morning. I had the window open a bit through the night and it’s “warm” in this room. Imagine, “warm”, and the barn thermo is just above 20°F. “Warm”. – I honestly don’t know why I bother to get up int he morning… or at all, for that matter. – Jester is out and gone already this morning. Free medical attention and a free ride there and back… in a car! Imagine that! Free, free, FREE… for “them”… I truly must (I suppose) stop the “dignity” bull-shit. – I need to find a lawyer! There’s the news of the dykes who went to a “Christian” bakery for a wedding cake and were refused… they sued… and won… for 135.000$! And here I sit, with all the documented promises of employment, lies on 68 pages, with nothing. Time to dump the “dignity”and “respectability” bull-shit and go for what is right. I wonder how people find the attorneys. I have to look into this today… MUST. – (Tue) Let’s see where this goes… this little scheme. I put an opening for “Custom Order” afghans on Etsy today. That was my “accomplishment” on this rainy day. 300, 500 and 800$, with photos of mine, and a lovely description. There were errors in my blurbs, so I corrected those and I put in a bio and the other info to make it nice and legit. Now, to hope that the shits don’t find it… those sibs and such. – And this evening, well, it wasn’t a very good day over-all for nourishment. I finished the cold-cuts and that’s all I had to eat. Officially… no food. Times are bad again. – The news is full of fires in Baltimore today. I keep remembering the “prophecy” of 7th grade: there will be 3 days of total darkness and on the 4th day, all of the ‘evil’ people will take to the streets, killing each-other.” We haven’t had the 3 days of total darkness, but there most certainly is a world full of killing. Blacks and Muslims. Death. Well… let’s call it “Population Control”. – Had the last smoke with HLS again tonight… at about 23.00 and was invited to sit and chat a bit. So I did, for about an hour. Came up to the room round about mid-night, watched a video on “radioactive wolves in Chernobyl” and PUT myself under the covers. It had to be almost 2.00. These late hours must stop. Why? No reason.. my stupidity. But they must stop. – “Thanks” again from Sadie/Renee, for being such a wonderful “friend”. Isn’t that lovely? I’m such a “friend” to so many. Shame, really… I can’t find reciprocity. Alas and oh well. – And still no word from Viv.

Tue.28.Apr: 9.01 LATE morning! A bit of sun. And another day of morning anxieties. How fun. – It’s warm in the room this morning. I left the little heater on over-night and the sun, between tufts of clouds, is brightening the room. – Today… to the PO. I have to pay the car insurance. Thankfully I have the money. And once that’s gone… it’s all gone. No food. 2 packs of smokes. A tank of gas and done. Done. – Must find an attorney for this job shit. Others do, I don’t know why I don’t. Lazy? Defeatist! – Things I want to do… and my body and mind just shut down. I’m tired. It’s been a terribly long 60 years. – 17.00 The flowers in the back are moved to the wood pile and flag pole. The picette fence in front of the barn is “presentable”. I’ve been to the PO for nothing more than to PAY THE CAR INSURANCE! YAY! And a quick trip to the market for franks, roll, PopTarts and a tin of peaches. And am having franks on rolls with nothing else. – HLS and hub are preparing dinner in the kitchen. Jester is getting head on the stairs from some guy (Greg?) “from Richford” I’m to understand. Ca ce peut tu? – And it’s 17° out there, the sun coming and going (as will probably be the situation on the stairs) (j’joke). – I stopped at Cecil’s, having had to park in front of his house. No answer at the door. I wonder. – And now? I’m hungry, eating and ready for sleep! – The day… fukkit! – Oh.. the house got a new water heater today. (Penny, no doubt.) – (Wed. morn.) Just a little note here: I’ve got all sorts of little “bumps” or “pimple-like welts” on my stomach. I scratched one or two this evening and they scrape off like scabs. After scratching them off, the pain is quite amazing. They didn’t bleed, but they were rather raw. So I headed to the shower (there was hot water, I’m happy to say) and when the water hit them, it burned! Terrible pain for such a small scratch. Hmmm… Cancer? Little bits of cancer… nothing terminal, quick and easy. Just rot slowly. How appropriate. That, very well, would be my fate. – I received a message from George on the fesses-book today. Viv is OK. He is waiting for the healing after his radiation treatments. If I had the funds, it would be nice to plan a trip up for the week-end. I would imagine. Hah… I,m SO close these days and yet, there’s something to keep me away. “Life”… miserable shit that it is. But at least I know that they’re all OK. Nothing horrific… as it were. – Well! At 22.00 I went for my final smoke of the day, accompanied by HLS and when we came in, it turned to another evening of “cocktails” and chat at the kitchen table. We discussed music and digitising and such. And it ran into mid-might before I came back up to sleep. And the final remark was “I enjoy talking with you.” Probably true. I just don’t trust anybody. And I’ve noticed of late… I’m BACK, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, in that very set… I’ve NO trust in anything or any one. None. I suppose one might call it “ferel” (like a once domestic animal)… or, perhaps, “Homeless”. Truth and fact are, I’ve no reason to trust any-one. But the chat is nice, and when I think of the situation here, with Bobo and Jester being in this house, and the doubts in HLS’s mind… indeed. After all, I mind my own business, make no trouble at all, use so very little of the house… and such, the age similarities… Still… there’s no trust. I’ve no reason or cause to trust. – But, coming up to the room, a quick and nasty run on the soc.med. I’m sick to death of what this country has become. The pandering and butt-licking (and not in a delightful fashion). The Black population has destroyed two cities just with-in a matter of months now. Riots, looting, burning. And all the while, nothing is done to stop it. Instead of focusing on matters of quality of life, they destroy. There was one woman who actually ranted that she plotted to kill “all white police” and posted “death to all white police in the nation”. They need to be rounded up and, since they feel so mistreated here, sent to Africa where they claim their roots. Anyway… the final post of the day (night?) was that they found her and arrested her. No doubt… she’ll be treated like royalty… after all… she’s Black. Meanwhile, Jews, Germans, the Irish, Italians… all maligned. There are THOUSANDS in this country going hungry, ill, Homeless… and nobody gives a shit about that. People pouring into the country, illegally. The criminals are glorified… and me? All I want is a source of income, to make my last years a bit comfortable. Fuck it, really. Death will be such a reward. I’m so much more than ready.

Wed.29.Apr: 8.34 And another later start to the day. “Late”. As if there’s anything so pressing that made it mandatory to be awake any earlier. – Coffee and smoke done and my stomach is CHURNING again. I wonder… the 6 PopTarts yesterday? Perhaps. – Things I’d like to do today: back yard clean-up a bit for one. Paint or draw or something sale-able. I NEED to get to THAT part. NEED! NOW! The frame of mind and spirit are… nil. – And I woke this morning to see Broader Padrool parked across the road. Hmm… I wonder about them. Monitoring my soc.med., are they? Fine. Sure. Do what you believe you must. What-ever. This country’s turned sour anyway. Bunch of monkey-following morons. – 8.58 and so I’ve caught up with yesterday’s post to the Journal as a terrible stench wafts through the door. I wonder what the hell they do out there in the hall. Flatulence or dogs? One can never be certain. – And the thought: 2 more days of this month of April and… I was SO SO SO looking forward to having enough means to get out of here… in 3 days from now! OH! The bullshit! The utter bullshit! Fucked… yet again… Fucked raw. Fucked bleeding. Fucked and festering. Fucked. Fucked and fed-up. Fucked. – 17.25 Franks on the “warm” and me on the break-down. Back flower beds are hand-cleared, not perfect but damned good; all the lengths of rotting hose are wrapped and tossed between the barns (it’s a mess there again but fukkit); the back fence is up-right again; the front fence is straightened and reinforced. It’s been quite a day of “busy”. – I’m quite hungry and pissed. Another day of no word about work. Fuktardshitheads. OK then. – The sun is coming out now that it’s time for it to “set o’er the horizon” and I don’t give a shit. – I shall eat my franks then shower and end this day soon. NO MID-NIGHT! – Bobo came from work at 14.30, so goes the report from the court Jester… as if I could give a shit. – Honestly… the back-yard is covered in dog shit… Get up off your fucking fag-arse and clean up the fucking mess. Ah… right.. well.. no. Fags. – I saw two septic trucks heading over to Hoozitz farm over the hill. No doubt there’ll be spraying tonight. – Scatrats. The lot. – And so oh well then. – Fukkit. – 23.5 I was half-dead at 20.00 Showered and was ready to pass out. Oh well. At least I’m showered. Day’s done!

Thu.30.Apr: 7.44 SOTIRED! But awake. Sun pouring through the window. I feel like shit. And there’s no food all day. How charming. Why am I alive? – 15.09 The back-yard flower beds are clean, clean, clean. The front-yard flower beds are clean, clean, clean. And me? I am done, done, done. – Having a bowl of “Creamy Wheat” cereal with sugar and creamer. Although, after the addition of water, it looks more like “soup” “Meal”. – 16.55 Ate my cereal, took my SHOWER! Had a smoke (last in the pack, one more pack left and I am not happy). Ready to go to sleep. Took 3 ASA. Hopefully they’ll kick in at the opportune moment and I’ll get to sleep on time tonight. – Am TRULY PISSED TODAY! Tomorrow I SHOULD have been leaving here! Fuck me! Fuck them! Tomorrow? Attorney! – (Friday morning) Well, I had the hose to me for a few hours anyway. Got to “eat”, got the “dishes” washed (in the loo sink). Got me showered and got lost in all sorts of “DIY” web-sites for HOURS! SO many things I want to do. Why? For me, mostly. Yes, the house will benefit, but it would keep me busy. AND, if I could make those little “solar lights”, I could put the up for sale! Income! But again, it takes money to make money. Oh well. The flower beds are looking rather nice and of course, it wasn’t mentioned to me. I over-heard the comments when they got to the house. But noting said to me. I don’t care. I did the work. It’s done. The beds look neat. I will NOT do the back yard though. Not with all the dog shit all over back there. Not my dogs, not my shit, not my responsibility. – Moving along… had my last smoke with HLS this evening and was offered another “cocktail moment” but tonight, it was almost 22.00 and so I declined. Came up, gleaned the so.med. 23.00 was “lights out”! And indeed… lights out and so was I. – Tomorrow is “May”. I’m going for 500$ in recent arrears. The phone will be gone in 11 days. But the car is still legal… insurance paid. I’m fucking sick to death of this “settling” for this little shit. I’m fucking fed-up with so much. Just fucking fed up. – April is gone, the Spring is coming. Another month is coming… and I’m fucking fed-up!