I am at the end of this rope. Trust is gone again and the heart of the savage beats in my chest, thoughts of chaos blow in my mind, like dead leaves fallen from old trees in violent winds. It’s not that I do not want to be “here”, in this place, this house, in this town… I do not want to be here… in this existence, this world, this “creation”, this… life. And when gone, I do not want even to be remembered. I want to never have existed at all… ever. Not “gone”… never having had existed… at all. I am at the end of this rope. It is late, in time, in all time, in my time. It is beyond passed the moment when I should have departed… long beyond passed that moment. I’ve suffered already, more than my share. So when I lay me down to sleep, let it be the final sleep, the end, the rest… and I will not be forgotten… I will have never existed… at all. I am at the end of this rope… the end. 22May: 19.18 The pain in the left lung is almost unbearable. I’m opening this Journal this evening… letting the Truth out.

THIS IS THE MONTH I’D LOOKED FORWARD TO… THE MONTH IN WHICH I WAS TO RETURN TO A CIVIL EXISTENCE.
I TRUSTED AGAIN… I WANT SO VERY VERY VERY MUCH TO BE DEAD.

Fri.1.May: 6.46 I am awake. The sun is shining. My stomach is bloated (again), The window is open (again). And I am in the foulest of moods this morning. Coffee, smoke and foul mood. Too much going through my mind first thing in the morning. One pack of smokes left. 11 days on the phone. 15$ for gas for the car. Repairs needed on the car. This was the month I was going to be out of here and in a place of my own. Next month I wanted to go HOME for la Fete. Nothing! And the decision: find a lawyer, take the bitches to court, or sit quietly and hope that the job posts again and go back? Food. Having to live on the measly bit I’m allotted. Losing the weight I gained. Too much to ponder. – A new month. Death? Maybe. I’m in the foulest of moods this morning, this month. – Foul. – 15.34 As I expected, the words from the lawyers I sent word to this morning are not supportive. But, thechoice now is whether to give up, keep looking or do it myself. If I were some fucking black bitch, they’d be running to help! But no… not me. – Anyway, the work of today: edge the flower bed in the back, re-settle the plastic liner, got all the bottles out from under the stairs in the barn (not sure what I’ll do with them… they need to be washed!), reinforced the clematis trellis, watered the transplants by the wood-pile. And I was SO sick to my stomach all during! Truly, actually ill! Then I went to work on the truck of the car and HLS and Jester were sitting out back. Imagine that… them… out… sitting! So I went to the car, looked in the trunk. Found jack and spare! Yay! Can’t get the lock to work, but at least I know that something worth the while is in there. – Off to the PO where the notice for the box rent was all that awaited! FUCK ME! End of this month! Oh well… we shall see. – Then off to Hannaford’s for the usual fare. The franks are warming in the mug. – I’m SO FUCKING TIRED! I could well have napped as I drove along today. – Well.. the sun’s gone behind the clouds… here. Across the border I see clear skies. But oh well. – Today’s Friday. I wonder if the “gurlz” will have their “Friday Night” tonight. Not that it matters to me. I’m so tired… I just want to shower and get into bed. – I HATE LIFE AND LIVING AND BEING AND EXISTING! – 23.57 I WANT A DRINK! There’s only one left in the vodka. FUCK ME! – Up form last smoke with HLS who came to the door just before 23.00 to fetch me. How sweet. – I’ve been half dead since 20.00. Time for sleep (I hope). Showered too! YAY! – Tomorrow? HOME… for smokes.

Sat.2.May: 8.37 Sun shining. Blue sky. WARM this morning. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be alive. I just all too simply don’t. I don’t “want” to “do” anything. I want to be away… forever. I woke with the alarm. I went back to sleep. I had a dream but I can’t recall what it was. The only thing I recall is “The bird is missing.” What bird and why was it missing and how did we all know? Who the fuck cares? I don’t… I don’t care. – Saturday, the 2nd day of a new month… and I’m falling ever behind… again. Again. I HATE LIFE! – Things I could do… I don’t want to. Things I feel I should do. I don’t want to. I just don’t. – This was supposed to be the “better” month. – And my gut feels as if it’s full of stones. I’m actually sick… and tired. I don’t want to. – The border is open. Who the fuck cares? – I swear I just heard (from some-where… in my head?) a “telephone voice”; “9-1-1”. SNAP! An aneurism… clog, finished, done. That would be nice. No such luck. I’ll suffer… no matter what. – I HATE LIFE! – A new day. A “Spring” day. Fuck me! – 10.00 Off we go I don’t know why but WTF? The sun is shining and I’m sure to find SOME way to wast the day. Should go to the dép…not in the mood. Og well… dirt now… drive later. – 16.15 and the house is empty. The stairs are peppered. I am SHOWERED! MY FACE IS BURNING. SUN-BURN! (It’s about time. I remember the days of April burns for fux ache.) AND… the back of the barn is raked and cleaned. I got 3 bundles of daffodils from the brook and put them under the pine in the back flower bed. (It didn’t take an hour before one of the fags brought the dogs out and… one of the groups, WITH FLOWERS, has been trampled already. Fucking shit morons. At least I know it couldn’t have been Dixie because she’s on a lead that doesn’t reach over there. Fucking shit! Oh well. Their loss. Entitled trash, that they are. I posted the photos and my disgust on the fesses-book. I’ll learn if anybody they know has access to my account now, I’m sure. And I’m ready to confront at this point.) OK. That said, I also brought some very nice moss-covered bricks from the brook as well. THEY are in the back flower bed. Looking rather nice… with their moss. AND SO… BEHIND the barn is nice and clean. The “garden” is now about 5ft shorter because I took bricks from there to put round the “fire-pit”. It didn’t come out the way I was thinking it might, but it looks a bit nicer than that rusty rim parked out there. I dug the back end of the garden up, tossed the soil into the remaining area, raked all along the fence and behind the barn, tossed everything over the “swamp” in the back where the drainage pipe is leaked. Covered so thick that one can walk on it with-out sinking. Ca ce peut tu? I listened to music and such as I worked… in the clear skies under the beating sun. – *** OH! THIS MORNING, FIRST THING… VERY FIRST THING… THE AIR WAS HEAVY WITH THE STENCH OF SEPTIC!!! A COUPLE OF EVENINGS AGO I SAW TWO SEPTIC TANKERS HEADED OVER THE HANA RD. TOWARD MAGNANT’S… I SUPPOSE WE KNOW WHERE THAT SHIT AND TOILET PAPER ENDED UP. INDEED. (And as I type this at 16.23, the Houles are on the run up Main.) – So? I come in to an empty house. Of course… Jester has Food Stamps! They’re off to either St. Albans or Costco. Me? I showered and whilst I did, luxuriously today, that Mexishit let out a yelp! So… I came out of the shower, headed directly to the peppers (both) and the stairs are nicely spicely. – I’ve also helped myself to a bit of the vodka and rum down-stairs… in a little jar… for later. I want SO much to simply go to sleep and not wake until tomorrow…when I’ll head up to the dép for smokes. I doubt I will… but it’s what I’d like. – Almost time to eat the franks and rolls. There isn’t much to be eaten this evening (and not much to get this month). – It’s SO warm in here! The little termo reads 21°. Imagine? Today that’s hot… this Winter it was only “just” comfy. But my face is tight and “burning”. Too much sun? Not on my stomach and chest! They’re WHITE! ICK! – 17.55 Almost forgot to mention, because I’m sure it will be soon: I’d come in for a glass of tea (god forbid anybody should offer one here!) and on my way out the door, Bobo, standing on the back porch says “Are you afraid of heights?” I replied “I’m not going up there to get the antenna down.” We both agreed the roof is too hot, too steep and too slippery. But I’ll be called “a dick” again… no doubt. – Anyway, I’ve finished my franks and they’ve returned. – My face has turned red… SUN-BURN! YAY! – 18.22 Just up from a smoke… must to jot: I was asked “Have you eaten? We have chicken, salad and onion rings.” CA CE PEUT TU? I mentioned the daffodils looking none-too happy. “Give ’em a day.” Just jotting. – I hope to be in bed and ready for “pass-out” by 20.00. I’ve had more than enough of this day already. – 23.59 “Sleep well my friend.” HLS says to me as we parted after our last smoke of the day. “my friend”. Ca ce peut tu? J’pense pas… pantoute. – Obviously the drinks didn’t help much in the way of knocking me out early enough. The anxieties are just too strong, too deep, too dark, too heavy. Death. Only peace. – But… I must add something on an “up” (or down) note here for today: Although it’s not the instrumental that I’ve been looking for all these years, I DID, AT LAST, FIND ONE SONG FROM THE “NEW PROSPECT” DAYS, THAT I ONCE HAD AS AN MP3 AND LOST! FINALLY, ONCE AGAIN, I CAN ENJOY: JOSE LUIS PERALES (in spite of the fact that the original file was lost in the Grand Theft of my life… may the thieves be rotting miserably, I pray with heart and soul):

DEJA DE PENSAR Y CUÉNTAME
YA SE QUE AYER ESTABAS JUNTO A EL
Y HOY SE HA IDO
YA SE QUE HAS COMPARTIDO JUNTO A EL
LA NOCHE TIBIA Y EL AMANECER
YA SE QUE HAS DESCUBIERTO
JUNTO A EL, LA DICHA
YA SE QUE SE HA PARADO TU RELOJ
PERO AHORA MISMO HAS DE ECHARLO A ANDAR
ES PRONTO PARA DAR POR AMOR LA VIDA

BAILAREMOS UN VALS
TOMAREMOS DESPUÉS
UNA COPA DE MÁS
Y HASTA QUE SALGA EL SOL
BAILAREMOS AL SON
DE UNA VIEJA GUITARRA
BRINDAREMOS POR TI
BRINDAREMOS POR EL
POR QUE LE VAYA BIEN
Y MAÑANA VERÁS
QUE ES MEJOR OLVIDAR
QUE LLORAR POR AMOR

VUELVE A SONREÍR, OLVÍDALE,
LA VIDA ES ANCHA
Y ESTOS GOLPES DEL AMOR
SE OLVIDAN
DESPUÉS DE CADA NOCHE
NACE UN SOL
Y VUELVEN LAS GAVIOTAS A VOLAR
DESPUÉS DE LA TRISTEZA NACERÁ LA DICHA
Y SI HOY TE HAN MALTRATADO
EL CORAZÓN
Y DUERME JUNTO A TI LA SOLEDAD
NO IMPORTA PORQUE EMPIEZA
UN DÍA MÁS LA VIDA

Sun.3.May:
HOME
8.17 up from smoke, coffee had, Dixie is out, B. is awake (and of course, so too, Jester), the hall stinks, my stomach is churning, the sun is shining, it’s warm. I wish I were dead. Another day. – (Monday) ANOTHER FUCKING DAY AT THE BORDER! Before I did much of anything, I got into the car and headed up to the dép for smokes Nice day, nice drive, the car rolled quietly until… crossing INTO St-Armand… a “new” fellow there, apparently with nothing much to do… took the passport, asked the usual ridiculous questions about arms and weapons and then disappeared for the longest while. AH… then comes back, asking if I’ve ever been denied entry, what were the circumstances, any other criminal record (OTHER? FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU DIANNE OLSEN! YOU SHIT!) and then… “Have you ever been known under another name?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? TWENTY-NINE YEARS LATER? WHO? WHAT? THE FUCK? I, of course, answered quietly, he smiled and away I went… almost 20 minutes! FUCK! So… I headed slowly up the roads, got to the dép, blew the banque account on 3 fucking packs of smokes, got into the car and returned. NYer at the return, recognised me from the biking days, was prompt and polite and such and in moments, I was back… at the heavy house. – MikeFromRichford was here. We chatted a bit about PennyFromSheldon and I came up to the room, changed into the filth-clothes and headed out the back. RIP-ROARING PISSED OFF AT THE FUCKING WORLD, wondering what the actual fuck is now going on! I raked… Went down to the brook, got soil to put into a dip beside the barn and I RAKED THE BACK… FROM THE FRONT OF THE BARN TO THE WOOD-PILE! I RAKED! FUCK ME! – Came back in when it was all done.. at about 16.30 or so and had… for the “Meal Of The Day” a package of matzoh… with a bit of butter and spread with cocktail sauce. THAT was my “nourishment” for the entire day! Watched a 2-hour “Jimmy Carr” show whilst I “ate”. Then, it was off to the shower at last. – By 20,00 tonight, I was SO tired. I got me ready for bed, as I do, dropped a Skype-note to Viv and… AWAKE as usual. In bed, awake, browsing the soc.med, the rest of the shit on the Internet… awake. FUCK! I’m fed up with this bull-shit. Maybe if I stop eating, stop sleeping and such… GONE! I can try. Something to give a try. But tonight… tonight… 23.00 and last smoke with HLS who again offered “cocktail time”. I declined in favour of coming up to sleep. And… just past mid-night… I forced the lights out and that was the end of this FUCKING MISERABLE SHIT-PACKING FUCK-ALL day.

Mon.4.May: 8.42 (to catch up with yesterday… but meanwhile) Slept in until about 7.30 this sunny, warm morning. I’ve already had coffee, smoke and learnt that I can’t use a litre soda bottle for a hummingbird feeder. Monday… fuck. – Back to yesterday… and then back to today… Where the fuck is Death when you actually want it? – 9.01 Time to make the day move. Well… in another 7 days… no phone. I’m not in the best of moods to begin with but that doesn’t help matters at all. Nor does the fact that I was looking forward to making that hummingbird feeder with a soda bottle but the bottles are so bloody cheap these days, the damned thing just leaked-out. Fucking world.. fucking, bloody-fucking world. Oh well… – Maybe I’ll just go, transplant a few more daffodils that are growing about (1 in the back yard and the other by the brook). Entertain myself for a bit and get some sun and air. I should get out and get something to eat for today’s “meal”. I don’t much feel like hitting the road. – Oh.. Jester is out already this morning. How charming… medical attention. Must be nice to be able to be attended to that way… for free. – This fucking lap-top is nothing but an annoyance this morning. – Time to “browse” and get on with… FUKKALL! – Maybe a heart-attack today? Something to look forward to! Please. Yay! – 15.27 Another daffodil has been moved from way down in the back to the flower bed under the pine. The old sofa has been stripped to the wood frame. And me? Didn’t do as much as I might have done, but I don’t give a fuck. – And, it feels as if I’m going to lose my front teeth. How wonderful would THAT be? Eh? – Now to decide where the fuck to go for something to eat or to shower before leaving which I’d rather not do… shower or go any-where. Isn’t it funny? There’s a car sitting out front… I can drive to some-where instead of having to bike in this HEAT! And I don’t have the what-it-takes to drive. But hunger will be horrible later. So I must… I suppose. – (On Tue. morn.) I DID get to Richford for the usual potato and macaroni salads AND TWO “Twisted Tea”! Rolls and little pies for after. I didn’t bother to shower before. Just got into the car, round about 17.00 and headed out. Imagine, not cleaning before heading out. – The gas is down below half-tank! NOT GOOD! I should probably take all but 10 from the CU (about 20 there), add it to the 10CAD and 10US and put it into CIBC, then get gas in Bedford. Expensive? Not really. About the same price now. But there’s driving to be done to do that. Else, I could try it all on the bike? We shall see. – Anyway, the “sofa” is now stripped-down. The frame is almost useless for anything but kindling. It’s amazing, how little workmanship and material is in that thing… for “a couple 100$” that they paid it. There isn’t that much in material or workmanship! The strip-down went slowly. I had neither the energy nor the desire, but it passed the time. Passing time… that’s all I do… again. – Meanwhile, back in Richford, Brenda had the evening off but the woman there was a delight. Richford is rather a delight, in spite of the “kinds” of people who come into the town (Latinos and Blacks who OBVIOUSLY are NOT “Richford”). It’s a shame that the Gray Gables is up for sale. Hopefully they don’t sell to the State. THAT would bring Richford down and make the entire county worse. Alas… and make one less place I could actually look forward to going back to. – Ah, going to. I can’t “go” any-where. Not now. My thoughts of this month, this season… dashed. – So I had my “dinner” whilst watching some Tube videos, ate leisurely. Rather nice. No “tea” though. I was in the mood when I went to Richford, but when I got back… I was simply exhausted! It’s mental fatigue… and emotional. No prob. – This evening, by 21.00, the house was dark. I went for my smoke only to be followed by HLS, who is using MY lighter for the fucking weed! Oh well anyway. Odd… but all is “Bestie-bestie” after a few hits off the old pipe. – Fukkit. – Yesterday’s daffodils are fine, blooming. I added another one from the back today. As I’d explained to B.: They’ll come up first in the Spring, and as they die off, the bleeding hearts will come. Flowers for the seasonal cycle. How charming am I? (Stupid is more the description.) – And as the night rolled on, I barely finished the last video at about 23.00 and closed me down for bed. – One more day behind me, one less day to go.

Tue.5.May: 7.22 Woke just before the alarm. Then got up with. Started to remove the plexi from the front window. Had to shit! Or… thought I did. Bowels churning. Nothing. Have had coffee and smoke. Waiting for the body to “adjust” to the morning before getting back to the plexi. SCREWS! The damned thing is mounted INTO the frame! Over-kill on the screws! – It rained last night. The earth is wet this morning. Good for the transplanted daffodils. I wonder what I can get done today. That’s typical: wondering about “work” of some kind. – Not in good mood again either. – Fucking lawyers who won’t take my case to court. Fuckers. If I had a few grand to stuff their pockets up front they’d go for it. But… I’m just fed-up, pissed off, bitter to the core. Fucking world. Fucking life. Fucking existence. Just fuck it all. Time to with-draw and simply be rotten… just like the rest. – I need a hair-cut today. I need to look good… and die. – 9.58 Both front windows are now open for the season. It took some doing, but it’s done. AIR! The curtains aren’t even across. One set is lower than the other… but I don’t really care at this point. – Having ac coffee and then out to the what-ever. I’ve a little list… I’ve many lists… I don’t give a shit… lists. – Posted to fesses-book. Tmblr, Twtr;

I Remember:
When I was 7 years old, I ran to the front yard in the middle of the night screaming for help; my father was beating my mother to the point where she was begging for her life.
I Remember:
When I was 13 years old, my father told me that I was a “burden” to him. I went through every dictionary and encyclopedia in the house and circled the word “burden”.
I Remember:
When I was 14 years old, my father left my mother, with-out any income or child support. My mother had to work several jobs and asked if I would mind taking the house-hold responsibilities… I began raising my 3 younger siblings. My father returned some months later.
I Remember:
When I was 15 years old, I slashed my wrist… to escape the pain of being a “burden” and to escape the pain of all the memories of violence inflicted by my father… and all too simply, to escape. When I was discovered, my mother rushed me to hospital… I lied to the authorities and told them I’d slipped and cut myself.
I Remember:
When I was 15 years old, I swallowed 150 “Bufferin”. They made me vomit and gave be head-ache. I baby-sat somebody’s children that evening.
I Remember:
When I was 16 I left home, had a car, lived in empty lots in the woods off back roads. I was arrested for “Criminal Trespass” when I was discovered one morning. I was sent back “home”.
I Remember:
When I was 17 years old I was told that if I did not leave home, my father, with all the beatings he gave me, would kill me. I moved 100 miles away, I had no money, no job. I found a small flat. My mother gave me the month’s rent. I found work. I moved away… completely un-prepared.
In the years since:
I did manage to pull my own life together as best as I could. I always tried to keep working no matter what. If not for some employer, I worked in my community as a volunteer.
I raised a child through cancer.
I held very good jobs when they were available.
I Remember:
When I truly needed help…
There was none when I needed help with medical bills
There was none when I needed help with food.
When I was hungry, I ate from garbage cans.
When I was thirsty, I drank from run-offs.
When I needed help with basic housing, I was given a slip of paper on which was written the address of the Homeless Shelter.
When I went into the Homeless Shelter, I didn’t have a job. In a month, I found my own job and for all the time I was in the shelter, I worked… 14 days on, 2 days off. *I* got myself the job. No help there.
When I managed to save just enough, *I* got myself out of the Homeless Shelter… no help there.
I Remember:
When I got my most recent job, I drove 300 miles in a snow storm to AND from “orientation”; I WALKED 20 miles to AND from my first assignment in Winter winds over ice-covered roads, then bicycled 20 miles to AND from my next assignment every day in pouring rain leaving the house at 4:30am and returning at 7:00pm for 6 days.
I will always Remember:
I got lied to and connived against on that job.
BUT…
I will also always Remember:
I have ALWAYS worked, and when I’ve not volunteered, I’ve worked and paid my taxes.
AND…
I will also always Remember:
watching others who refuse to work, others who cannot work because of “nationality status”, watching irresponsible people bringing multiple children into the world, sitting in their free homes, waiting for their free food and clothing, for their utilities to be paid and for their monetary “benefits” to be posted to their “cards”.
I have kept my mouth shut for 60 years.
I will not keep my mouth shut any longer.
I have worked and worked hard all of my life, one way or another. I have work on empty stomach, have worked through my own depressions, work through my hunger and thirst. I have worked to help others, no matter what.
This is not *all* that I remember. This is what I choose to write at this moment, this moment when my head and heart have no more defence. I am tired.
I am very, very tired.
I am t o understand that “government” investigates and follows postings made to social media.
I hope that this is true because… I am tired. And if the NSA, DHS, FBI, or anybody else is reading, know this:
I am tired.
When I asked, I truly needed.
When I asked, I received nothing.
I learned to not ask.
Today, I’ve learned to tell… not ask.
I am tired.
I don’t care.

18.38 Tired indeed. Almost ready to get into bed! -21.05 I “napped”. No, I didn’t. I laid in bed, in “pyjamas” for the past almost 2 hours, jolting and jerking and trying to avoid thinking. It didn’t work. I just got up, went down for a smoke with HLS. Dixie is passed-out on their bed. I wonder when she doesn’t wake up to go out. – Well, as for the day’s avoidances: I took the plexi off the front window, cleaned the ledge and such. There’s ventilation again. How charming. The “Summer” is coming. I wish I was leaving. But at least the window is open. It’s noisy as all hell in the room now, but better to have the noise and the air than to be in here with only the one window. Or not. I don’t know.- The hummingbird feeder is now an “Absolut” bottle. I carved a hole in the cap with the little knife fro Walmart (I got to use the knife at last). Using the stopper and stem, it worked! So I took it out to the barn and adjusted the wire holder to hold the bottle and put it back up on the hook in the flower bed under the pine. Jester was out when I did so and commented. (And, I’ve learnt, made a comment already to the rest of the house. Biddy-bitch, that one.) Fukkit. – Next event: I actually made a wooden bracket from the “kindling” pile, and put it up on the front of the house, behind the large wheel. It now holds B’s whirly-gig “baloon” thing. I had to re-hang the wheel too. It passed the time and I’m rather proud of mitering the bracket with the old hand saw. It’s not “perfect” but it looks rather “rustic” and fits in with the colour of the house… and it works nicely for the wind-whirly-thing. (When B. came in from work, I asked if he liked it. He deferred by saying it’s nice, but he couldn’t remember if he saw it or if he’d checked the mail. Oh well. More “appreciation”… not.) – Next in line: I brought Dixie out back with me as I worked on the fire-pit in the back. I put bricks under the wheel rim, raising it up a bit, mostly because I wanted to put a higher “trim” round it, but the raising will help the ashes drop and so, perhaps, help with the burning. Not that I’ll enjoy any of that part. But at least it’s something somebody MIGHT enjoy… “when I’m gone”. – THEN CAME THE SHIT! I’d just missed a phone call and made the grave error of calling back. The “food stamps” office. I told them I’m not working and staying here because they were kind enough to take me in! OH! NOW I have to file forms! THAT is KILLING ME! TREPIDATIONS! ANXIEITIES! DEPRESSION! MORBID! I KNOW I’M ABOUT TO BE SHAFTED! NOT EVEN SCREWED OR FUCKED… SHAFTED! Oh fuck me fuck it fuck the world fuck it all. – You know? At least I had a nice afternoon in the sun, with Dixie. She’s become my little side-kick/companion. We’ve become a little “team”. – Came in at about 16.00 or so and had a roll for “meal” (and I only just had 2 more with the tiniest bit of butter that was left… one roll left… no more food). Grabbed a shower and 2 Tylenol.- As I sat on the bed, posting the above, my eyes kept closing. – I worked a bit on a new manuscript… the “VT” story. I’d like to get it into a book, not so much for the income as for telling the “Truth”. I’m sick to death of all the bullshit about me… just sick to death of it. – By about 18.00 I got my “pyjamas” on and crawled under the covers, hoping for a coma. Obviously, I’m not so blessed. – And now… I had 2 aspirins and I’m having a “Twisted Tea” and still hoping to pass out soon… SOON… and FOR THE NIGHT! – I’ve resolved: if I’m awake all through the night tonight, I’m not fighting it. I’ll work on manuscripts. I have 2 (or 2) in the works. It’s not like there’s nothing to occupy the night. – My sinuses are kicking up now. Nose-blowing shit. Must be something in the air… manure. – Oh well… 21.25… I should be asleep at this time but…. no. Not my “blessing”.

Wed.6.May: 1.53 just getting to bed again. The Tylenol, aspirin. Twisted Tea and screwdriver with HLS are NOT working! Nap time… I wish I could just get into the car and drive off a cliff… I have to look for the cliffs when I wake up. – 8.21 Having 3 rolls all day (yesterday) for food just didn’t crack it. Of course, all the other shit instead of food wasn’t the best either. I am truly ill this morning. And the sun is shining and the heat is coming and it’s not the best combination, all told. Looks like I’m going to have no choice but to get on the road and get something to eat today. I dread that thought. I dread the thought of the paper-work coming for Food and such. I’m screwed there. ANXIETIES in the morning. Charming. – But being told “It’s nice to be able to talk about different things.” and “I enjoy talking with you.” is rather nice. I suppose, especially, when HLS is stoned. No lies there, I shouldn’t think. And I can understand too, because we talk about music, history, news. The other two talk about themselves an their troubles and woes. It MUST get almost unbearable after a while. Especially since that Jester-thing whines. – Oh, one thing: yesterday, the dogs barked at nothing (as they do). The one who got the threat of the fly-swatter? Dixie! Princes Mexishit gets away with it! I was ripped-pissed! Last night, when I went for the 23.00 smoke, Dixie came down the stairs with me, all ready to go out, got to the kitchen and saw HLS there and she stopped, laid on the floor in the hall and had to be coaxed to come out. She too, senses the “entitlement” issue. Well… next chance I get… there will be reprimands doled out… and Princes will be the only one to get it. I’ve reached the end of my line with this bull-shit…. and dog shit as well. – OK. Now to plot and plan another day. The only thing on my little list is to clean the front flower bed. I’ve got another manuscript going and I could/should paint something to sell. Or, maybe I’ll just put the works I have out on the Etsy account. 20-cents for 4 months on the thing. And, maybe I’ll try to get a cross-reference going too. I COULD be working at something independent! I MUST! THIS shit has GOT to stop! Especially considering: I probably will lose everything in the way of food and such. Time to fuck the world! I have talent. I need to use it! – I feel like SHIT! – 12.56 And all of my water-colours are now “in the shop”, priced rather high but at the prices I’m comfortable with and had gotten in Newburgh. It’ll hurt to part with them… but I don’t expect them to go anyway. People won’t PAY for this kind of art. Still… the shop is now up to 10 items… and the fees are paid. I want to be dead – 24.45 Fuck it! I haven’t gone to bed yet so it’s still today. I did take a 2-hour “nap” this evening. Bad call too. I didn’t shower and now the pillows stink of sour sweat. But… I’m showered now. – The ONLY thing I managed to to today: Posted ALL of my water-colours onto the Etsy shop. Fuck it all. May as well get rid of them (if I can). And I did manage to get out and clean the flower bed in the front of the house. – When I came in, I was able to sneak next door to the market for cheese and Ramen and a box of donuts. I ate to night… if that’s what anybody wants to call it. Then I took the nap and woke and took the shower. – I’ve posted some images on the fesses-book and I’m tired now. – HLS is in the room so I might be able to make a wash in the morning (later). What ever… I don’t care. I can’t care. It would be delightful to go to sleep and not wake up. It would be delightful. (I looked into bloodroot… not quick enough.)

Thu.7.May: 7.52 Yard clothes in the dryer. Whites in the washer. My bowels are on the “Empty” cycle this morning… 3 “emergencies” already. And as I’m sitting on the carsie down-stairs, in waltzed Ms. Jester! Oh well! Good for that. I don’t give a shit… or… actually… I DID! Anyway, my stomach and bowels are knotted. No doubt, the package of licorice last night and the donuts… and I wouldn’t doubt a bit of bacteria in the styro dish I ate out of … it’s the poutine bowl from Summer last. I would just like to be dead and not bothering with this “journal”… or any “journal”… just gone. – Fukkit! So much for the day already. – Jester tells the ride will be here at 8.15 and he’ll be gone for some hours today. LaDFukkinDah. Go on your free rides. Makes me even more annoyed. – Nice way to begin a day, eh? – 8.33 The last of the wash is in the dryer. I’d put it on the line but I fear the shit-spraying. – My bowels are sitill shoving. I’m napping for 30 minutes. This is awful! Been a long time since I’ve had a day like this. – 24.04 Clean bed! Clean me! Clean! Exhausted! – The “between the barns” got cleaned again today. There really wasn’t all that much there, but it needed to be cleaned up and cleaned out. Bits of the previous chairs where there. The old hose bits are now rolled and hung, the little wooden “play table” that was on the lawn is there now. But I’ve left the frame of the “love-seat” out. I’d like, very much, to turn that into some kind of lawn chair. I need lumber though and I doubt I’ll get that, unless I pull the pallets apart. Oh, we shall see. I also washed the out-side of the glass jugs that were under the steps in the barn… bare-hands and cold water. But they’re clean on the out-side. Now, to figure how to get the insides clean. One of these days. – I had Dixie’s company most of the day as well. She LOVES being out of the house, and I can’t say that I blame her. Two leads and the rope and she had a lot of length. But it was miserably hot today so she found a bit of shade and made her-self comfy there. (I’m worried… she’s not eating well these days. I wonder. I know, too well, what “not eating” is like and she shouldn’t have to experience that. I wonder why she’s latched onto me so. “They” say it’s because I play Frizbee with her. I still wonder.) – I was back in at about 15.00, tired and relatively done for the day. – At about 16.00, Jester and HLS headed out the door for Enosburgh for something. I was going to go out for food but that would have put us all in town, so instead, I took a delightful shower, scrubbing away. * I noticed a black spot on my fore-head, to the side of my left eye. Cancer? It wouldn’t surprise me. Skin cancer, on the head. How charming! * Anyway… the shower was WONDERFUL! – I went next-door for something to eat: ice cream. A container of something called “Muddy Boots” (how cute is that?) and a package of choco-grahams. Calories, sugar and not much else. But today’s “meal”… ice cream. Welcome the fucking hot days. Oddly, Michelle was at the market and, well, the reception wasn’t all so great. Seems the entire town’s no longer speaking with me. GOOD! Fuck this shit-hole! And to think: I was looking so forward to being out of here this month. I HATE LIFE! Well… the ice cream was 1280 calories. Pretty good for the caloric intake… shit for the nutrition. No doubt I’ll be sorry tomorrow… the dairy fat will flush me out… again. – But and so… I got my washing done this morning too! I put the machine through an empty cycle to make certain it was clean. So tonight, the bed linens are clean, my clothes are clean, my jammies are clean and I am clean. – Oh, and I “napped” again this evening. Another “30 minutes turned 2 hours”. I’m just SO tired! Maybe one of these “naps” will be the “blessing”… close my eyes and just … – This evening, I’ve made the bed and removed the sleeping bag. Try for a night of sleep under the afghan and sheet. It’s getting to that heat of late. – I’m FULL of anxieties now: the job issue, the food stamps issue. Anxieties. And anger… TWO fucking months out of work and the Union and EEO have fucked me. It’s time for me to fuck back! And I mean FUCK IT! FUCK THEM! I’ll see what comes in tomorrow’s mail and if nothing… “Court of Public Opinion”. – I looked at the Postal site… there’s a spot open in Milton. I wonder if the car will hold long enough. I wonder if there are enough hours to get the car running (and pay my bills and such). I wonder, if I take that, will I get stuck there. I wonder. I’ll sleep on it and decide in the morning. – *** OH! OH! OH! NEWS! THIS EVENING, I FILED MY NAILS DOWN ND GOT TO THE TOES AND TODAY… ALMOST TWO YEARS TO THE MONTH… ( JUNE 2013) I HAVE A FULL NAIL ON THE LEFT GREAT TOE AGAIN! TWO BLOODY-FUCKING YEARS IT TOOK TO GET THE NAIL BACK! NOW I CAN DIE WITH THAT! ISN’T THAT LOVELY THOUGH? *** I was going to go for a final smoke… I’m going to try for sleep instead. It’s late. I’m half-dead.

Fri.8.May: 7.11 Sun is shining. A small load in the washer. I’ve had coffee and smoke. It’s forecast to be a MISERABLY HOT day today! We’re heading up toward 30° entirely too quickly now! But I suppose (I suppose?) it’s better than the freezing shit. – Another miserable mood this morning too. Trying to figure how to get an income, thinking of how fucked I’m being by the PO. And… pissed because I woke up. Just so much delight in a morning. Just so much. *** I FUCKING-BLOODY-FUCKING HATE, HATE, HATE “LIFE”! *** – Need to get to the market at some point today… this morning, I suppose… and the PO to see what the fuck is waiting for me. – Nothing like being anxious and depressed first thing every morning. FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! – 22.48 Tired beyond words and yet, anxious about sleeping! Insomnia on the way? Again? I surely as shit hope not! – Today, “they” lost their “garden”. I took the frame from the “love seat” and put the door that I’d been using as a work table in the back barn across the springs and turned it into a bench. I put the bench in the garden, re-arranged the brick surround and now, there’s a place to sit and look at the fire in the fire pit that I re-did. It was bloody tough work, I’ll tell. Trying to slide that door across the springs. I had to remove all the hard-ware from the door as well… in the beating sun! I swear, the temperature went up above 30 today! But… it’s done. I also raked and mowed in front of the barn and put the gliding swing up. THAT needs repair. But I don’t think I should do that part. Heaven help the one who sits on that! But that little patch does look quite delightful and HLS said it look like “official Spring”. The flowers are beginning to bloom back there and yes, it does look nice. I’m rather amazed that nobody’s noticed that I haven’t touched the rest of the yard. I won’t. There’s dog shit all over the place and until that’s cleaned up, I don’t do anything there. – The old reel mower was in fine working order today too. Given a few shots of WD40 and away it went! I was thrilled about that. I’ll have to get to the front yard soon enough. Not for “them”… more for me. Especially if it makes the town pissy. Slovenly bunch of scat-rats. – I also made a nice hanger for the hummingbird feeder, with chicken wire. Pain in the fingers, that was. But it’s done. I’ll have to think of a way to put the little perch-twig back on it though. Still, it looks quite nice enough. – Finished at about 15.00 and came right in to shower… and took a nice shower at that. The shampoo I’m using actually burns my face though. I wonder what that’s all about. No doubt there’ll be cancer coming along. Oh well.. – Oh, before I forget… there’s a PSE spot open in Milton, I see today. 31 miles away! I don’t know that the car will put up with all of that. Not to mention, the tank’s down to ,25 and I don’t have the money for much gas for too many work days before the money comes. in. Still, I might go for it anyway, just for shitzengiggles. A test, to see what kind of bull-shit they pull on me now. May as well try. See what comes of it. Eh? Fucking lot. – After the shower, it was off to Hannaford’s for FOOD! I was EXHUASTED but I went. Along the Swamp Rd. the fucking scatrats were out in full force! THREE of them on one field! And the criss-crossing across the road! Fucking nasty bastards. The air is already thick with the shit! Fucking state! – But I made it to the market, got my franks and bread and sugar for the birds, and returned straight away. HOT! Broke into a sweat, driving along! TOO much heat too soon! We’ve had no Spring… just right from snow to heat. Piss poor place. This isn’t the old North any more. It”s insane at this point. – This evening, I went out for a smoke… the air actually smelled of Spring! It was wonderful and then along comes HLS. WEED! That skunk-shit! No more “Spring evening” there. Oh well. That’s how it is round here. – There’d been mention of ‘them” having a “bonfire” (imagine… they’ve no idea what the fuck that means) tonight. Of course, I wasn’t asked to participate. But then again, every time I think about doing “social” with them, especially dining, it turns my stomach. Particularly with Jester in attendance. Nasty fag-arse, that one. But it didn’t come to be. Bobo went to bed early, then got up and continued the sleep in the parlour. Well, of course, Jester follows suit and is in bed already… toot-toot on the phone and shit. I keep re-living the Shelter here of late, and rather especially tonight: the room is miserably hot! I have the fan, but I don’t want to start with it just now. A bit too early in the season? Maybe later. I don’t know. – So I had my 4 franks, crisps for “meal” after all that work. Finished off the choco-grahams whilst watching some “QI” and now, am just up from last smoke. The last pack is open now. Time for financial conniving tomorrow… money for gas and smokes. And I need to get to the PO for the forms I know await me there. Fuck it all anyway. – Well… tonight, clean bed and clean me. Tomorrow? I don’t give a shit. – Hopefully I’ll be able to get to sleep when the lights go out tonight. It’s that hot in here. Tomorrow morning I might open the North window as well… I haven’t done that yet. – And I need to re-clean the back barn. It’s a mess! I left it that way. But the yard is looking rather OK. That’s what counts, as far as I’m concerned. – Oh, and I thought as I got out of the shower today: No doubt I’m being spoken about as shit again… behind in rent and such. No doubt. No shit. No fucking care. – 23.09 and Jester is chatting away on the phone over there. I won’t have a phone in 2 days. Oh well… let the deterioration begin! BDMs anyone?

Sat.9.May: 8.29
Viv Nurse/MD?
Me Homeless
visiting staying with Viv
chatting in office
guy Aide? comes in not friendly
Viv getting ready to leave office for the day
I mentioned my distended abdomen
Viv not really caring
annoyed “I see you’re trying.” (to get to see MD free)
woke

Coffee and smoke. I went out for my smoke followed by B. Chat about flowers. Asked if anything in “that vodka bottle” and said “It’s too low. Idon’t know if they feed that low.” Sounds annoyed. Jester came out. I came in to take a shit. Stomach is really horrid this morning. Of course. B. asked if I’d mowed by the swing. Said he wondered if Curtis had come by, started and left. Right. Agreed the mower “doesn’t like all the dips” in the rest of the yard. Still hasn’t seen the “bench” in the garden. Oh well. None of this shit is for me anyway. Really. – Time to figure finances. I think I’ll apply for the job in Milton… to see how that goes. – 8.57 Tried THREE FUCKING TIMES to apply for the spot in Milton! THREE BLOODY FUCKING TIMES! The fucking application crashed so I don’t know if it went through or not! FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING POST OFFICE! FUCKING INTERNET! FUCKING TOWN! FUCKING STATE! FUCKING DAY! Fucking dogs fucking barking! Fucking fuck this fucking day! I’m fed-the-fuck-up already at the beginning AND… my guts are wrenching again! I need to FUCKING FUCK THE FUCK OUT! – (Sunday morning) WELL! THIS ended on a rather interesting note today! – *** THIS MORNING I APPLIED FOR THE JOB IN MILTON. *** I DON’T THINK IT WENT THROUGH, BUT I APPLIED THRICE. *** NOW TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT THEY PULL WITH THIS! *** – I got up and got out at about 10.00, and with just about ,25 tank of gas, zipped over to the PO, emptied my and Viv’s PO box. Yes… TWO envelopes from the state r/t the food and such. and absolutely nothing more. Bade Dianna a god week-end, she returned the sentiment and I simply left, having nothing to say. I took the Pond Rd. over to the CU to cash the 5,00cq and take 20 from the account, leaving me with abut 13,00 (I have to “balance” accounts now. I don’t want to “know”… so I’m putting it off.) Having 40$ with me now, I went to Mobil and put 20 into the tank (regular gas) and it brought it almost up to FULL! I SHOULD have gone to market, but wasn’t really in the mood, imagine. So I simply drove back to the house and arrived at before noon! WOW! PO AND CU AND all in under two hours! It’s SO different having a car. – Back at the house, I changed into “barn clothes” and headed out to clean the mess I’d left in there. THAT was more than I’d bargained for because I opened the “garage door” package and used the panels for the new “work table” and one of the 4 panels is WINDOW! AND… they’re HEAVY! I wrapped the “window” and one panel in the heavy paper… and with GREAT difficulty!!! I put them up in as a “back-splash” sort of thing, wrapped the remaining two panels and used them as the “table”. It was HORRID, trying to get it all together! My coordination and such are all “off” these days. Preoccupation with all of the other bullshit, I wouldn’t doubt. Even when I’m not thinking about it, it’s there. – Well, it took some time, but the back barn is, once again, in order. Next line of business: cutting the ragged pallet to use the wood for the back of the “bench” in the garden! I thought “It’s Saturday… and ‘they’ might want to use the fire this evening.” (and good that I thought and acted-upon!). THAT TOO was rather difficult and the wood on the pallet isn’t the best. But after some determination and such… the wood got cut. As I tried to hammer them in, the black flies and such came out and became so horrid that I simply gave up. I came into the house at… 18.00!!! WHAT A DAY! – As I was getting ready to shower and have my franks, HLS called up and invited me to have the remaining “scallopped potatoes… with ham and cheese” that they’d had for dinner. I ACCEPTED! WHAT THE FUCK? WHY NOT? FOOD! So I went to the kitchen straight away and sat at table with HLS and ATE! Not quite enough to kill the hunger, but it was more than I’d’ve’had other-wise. – I came up to the room to shower… but before doing, I trimmed my beard this evening! AT LAST! IT LOOKS HUMAN AGAIN! And felt wonderfully clean… even before the shower. – THEN came the “shocker”: I was invited to drinks at the fire this evening! – I’d gone up to shower and as I finished, Bobo came to the door to tell me that they were starting the fire! Believe it or not… they even brought vodka and cranberry juice out for me! It wasn’t my intention to stay, but I went out for a smoke and, well… the night rolled along and… I DID stay… AND had a vodka-tonic (I brought my glass out with tonic in already). I brought out the iPod as well and played mostly 60’s music. Shock: HLS knows Henson Cargill! Bobo knows Hank WIlliams! We played the music until the iPod (half charged) went out! – But on a NOTE: Jester had gone up to bed (having started the drinking rather earlier than the rest.. of course) and HLS suddenly said to Bobo: “I’d like to make the house aware.” and then proceeded to tell me that he’s been confirmed as having HepB. I simply said “Oh, the house has been aware already for a while.” and that’s when I learnt that HLS is rather pissed about Jester and the mouth-running bullshit. Bobo immediately went into Jester’s defence “He was living in a house where, as soon as you pulled up in front, you could smell DOG… dog and dog shit and the place was filthy! Imagine living in that for years, and in the living-room. Not having a room! He means well…” I wanted, so much, to say “No he doesn’t.” but I quietly turned to HLS and said “Yes, this is how it is… tell the news or twist the words.” and the conversation dropped. – Well then, we all 3 packed things up and headed back to the house. I DIDN’T STOKE THE FIRE AT ALL TONIGHT! And, the compliments were quite nice about the bricking of the fire pit. How about that? (I wonder what’s to come down the line now… nice things today must be followed by something un-kind… that’s how it works here.) – In the house, Bobo went up to bed, HLS and I sat and chatted about “age”, caring about things said, caring about the world in general, and the over-all attitude of the “elders” toward the shit that’s going on today… that the others will have to live in and we’ll simply be dead. I mentioned: If 10 years after we’re dead, somebody remembers us, that we were here, that we’d said anything, well then, that’s rather impressive because most people ‘cease’ with-in 10 years. So really, what’s the damned importance of getting upset about anything? Eventually, we’ll ALL be gone!” He agreed. He also confided that he fears he’s got some kind of “cancers” happening inside him. We discussed not going to doctors for things. I pointed out that no matter how I feel, my importance is being able to accomplish things in a day and so long as I’m able to do that much, I don’t want to know the rest. We discussed their “MD”… Latino. We discussed medical treatments in general and it went on into about 2.00 when we finally closed the lights and the house. – I came up to the room, popped on a “QI”, ATE THE 4 FRANKS on rolls, and immediately after… went to bed! – QUITE THE WRAP FOR THE DAY!

Sun.10.May: 10.13 JUST waking up!
Dream: I was in some kind of public “waiting area”, like a hospital waiting area or aeroport (ambiguous) and needed a toilet! But as I went to go to use the gents’, some seedy sort of guy went in so I had to use one that was right there, in the open, in front of every other person. So, I simply did. The seating was beside the toilets to I used the toilet beside the seat I’d been sitting on and was carrying on casual chat with the others as I “went”. But when I’d flushed and gotten back to my seat, I noticed that the toilet had been stopped-up and on the verge of over-flow! Thankfully, it didn’t spill over though and I, and the others looked at it in disgust… because it was obvious that the “maintenance crew” hadn’t don’t their job of making sure the plumbing was clear. A woman came by, she too needed the loo and I told her she’d have to use one of the “open” ones. She wasn’t happy about it and decided to wait (or use one anyway – ambiguous). Then, Rollande came by. She was some sort of “medical profession” person who attended to the woman who was having some kind of difficulty, constipation or something. I suggested to the woman that she simply squeeze or be squeezed to empty her bowels. Rollande gave me a nasty, disapproving glance and the woman smiled and thanked me for the suggestion. – I didn’t wake from the dream, but I woke… it was about 6.00 this morning. I dozed back to sleep. – It rained at some point this morning. The ground is wet. I had an instant tea this morning instead of coffee. I was/am thirsty. No doubt, the 4 franks I had before going to sleep this morning. – It’s hot and humid too this morning. Oh, to think, it was just a matter of a couple of weeks ago, I was chilled through to the bone. We’ve had no “Spring”. It just went from snow to heat. No “Spring”. Just BANG! Summer. – Half a pack of smokes left this morning. Anxieties over that. No income. Anxieties over that. Job… anxieties.. Housing… anxieties. No phone tomorrow… anxieties. Morning… anxieties. Horrid… I’m awake and alive… anxieties. ANXIETIES. Another day. – 11.00 caught up with yesterday and now, ready to nap! I’d like another smoke… I don’t DARE! Oh well.. nap. Or at least a “lie down”. – 14.05 Just waking up… again. Sleep. That’s all I want to do! And all I’ve been doing. And I just see from the computer here: It’s “Mothers’ Day” today. Hmmm… – HLS is still asleep. The other two are in the parlour. It’s drizzling out there so there’s really nothing much I could be “doing”. It’s hot and humid in the room. There’s a bit of a breeze blowing out-side. But there’s nothing much that I could be “doing” and so… I sleep. I suppose that’s all that should be done on a day like today… sleep it away. There’s nothing to be eaten. I’ve had a coffee and a second smoke. A day. – 20.24 The day is ended. I’ve done nothing with it. Just napped here and there, had a few smokes, not many, and been rather blah for most of it. There was a note on the Skype from Viv. Brief. I replied. She cooked today and brought food to George and Anna’s. Me? I had cream-wheat cereal just a few moments ago. I was asked if I was hungry earlier. Bobo made macaroni with sausage and sauce. I declined. Not going to make a habit of it. Besides, the table was set for 3… no eating with Jester. Makes me ill just to think of it. – Other-wise, I re-re-applied for the spot in Milton. I’ve received no acknowledgement of the previous applications. We shall see tomorrow, I suppose. I wonder if it even went through. – Hot… miserably hot in the room this evening. There’s a slight breeze out-side, but it’s not making its way into the room. – And so, that said, the house is in bed and I will be soon. I seem to be waking, of course, But I’ll try for a nap or several naps during the night. If yes? Great! If no? Well… we shall see. I still have to balance accounts. I don’t want to. And I still have to complete the paper-work from the state. But not before going to bed. That’s more for before working in the yard… get pissed, work it out of the system. – The end.

Mon.11.May: 7.25 The phone goes off tonight. Oh well. Life falls apart… yet again. – It’s raining again this morning. HLS is seated in front of the computer. I wanted to get a wash done. Nope. No “out-side” work. No washing. The morning crashes. I crash. Maybe I’ll think of something… I’ve a little list of things that should be done, for the “Etsy Shop”. I should work on that. Indeed. I should. I’m awake. I woke before the alarm. Then dozed and woke shortly after. I don’t know. We shall see. – The room stinks again this morning. I wonder where the stench comes from. Disgusting! Stench. Just stench. – 19.58 AND THE DAY CAME CRASHING! I OPENED THE LETTERS FROM VT FS AND… THERE IT IS! B&L LISTED ON THE FORM AS OTHERS IN THE HOUSE-HOLD!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK ME! THE RESIDENCE IS STILL ON CHURCH BUT THEIR NAMES ARE ON THERE! AND OF COURSE, THE PHONE IS DEAD TODAY SO THERE’S NO PHONING. BUT OF ALL THE SHIT! THERE IT IS! SO… I HAVE UNTIL THURSDAY TO CLEAN THIS MESS UP! CRASH! – I took off and went to Hannaford’s for cold-cuts for the today and tomorrow and a box of cupcakes that are terrible, and a bag of rolls. 11$! But I made it there and back in about 30 minutes. It was a non-stop, drive blindly sort of trip. The rain stopped only for the trip to, but picked back up on the way back. Still, I was out the door by about 14.30 or so and back well before B. came in from work. I had no appetite, i can say that much. Between the general fatigue, the MAJOR depression that’s setting in and the news from VT!!! The only thing keeping me breathing right now is numbness. Just numbness. HOW? HOW does this shit manage to find me? Am I some kind of fucking magnet!? MUST BE! I know I should never have lived this long. Just too stupid to be dead, that’s all. – Anyway… on the other side of the “news”: there’s water in the hummingbird feeder. I boiled some, put some sugar in and am waiting for it to cool, in the bottle and the kettle, before filling it and putting it back in the yard. Hopefully the birds will find it… I have to find a place to put it a bit higher though. Perhaps on the tree. I don’t know for certain just yet. But in the rain… well. (Actually, right now, the fog is rolling in from the East across the road. Quite heavy too! Rather impressive. Can’t see beyond the cars over there.) And, I’ve started painting in one of the books from in the barn! Acrylics, translucent. Not my “best” work right now, but I’m learning what the paper will do with the paint. Not too bad… but certainly not my best. I want to put detail into it, but too much of that will cover the print and that would simply defeat the purpose. So… it keeps my mind occupied. – So I ate the chicken on 2 rolls, have had several cupcakes and am having a peppermint tea. 3 smokes left. I have to check the account now (MORE FUCKING DEPRESSING NEWS TO COME!!!). Then, it will be interesting to see about getting to Bedford for more smokes… IF I can afford any. (If not? HERE COMES MORE HELL! Although, as I did admit, aloud, in the car, en route to the market: This is my “life”… Anxiety and such… Broke, hungry, can’t afford a smoke… my entire existence. I shouldn’t even be bothered by it at this juncture.) – Didn’t get to make my wash today. HLS didn’t come up the stairs until I was headed out to market. So, tomorrow? I doubt it. But what the fuck? Eh? I can ponder. – Sounds like Bobo and Jester are heading for the sack… respectively, of course. I should do like-wise ever so soon. No sense in being awake. But I’ve napped yet again, through the day… to avoid. Hopefully I’ll be able to bonk-out when it’s time and I’m under the covers. – Now to the banque info and the splattering of me across the globe. – 21.16 WELL! SO IT SEEMS THAT THE PREVIOUS APPLICATIONS FOR THE JOB AT MILTON DID NOT GO THROUGH! FUCKING USPS SITE! BUT THIS TIME IT DID AND I HAVE THE CONFIRMATION ON THE SITE! SO, IT’S OFFICIAL: I’VE APPLIED. NOW TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT THEY PULL INDEED! – On the account side… there’s enough for ONE pack of smokes unless I put the cash I have on hand into the account, which I just might do anyway. Ah… let’s see what the fuck kind of fuckery will confront me tomorrow then! Indeed. – I want a smoke! Fuck me!

Tue.12.May:
HOME
1.48 STILL A-FUCKING-WAKE! Lights out! One smoke left. ANXIETIES! And not feeling at all well. Here we go again! – Now I lay me down to sleep… I hope like fucking hell I die before I wake. – 10.16 The wash is done! The last smoke is done. And I feel like warmed-over shit! No wonder; I woke with the 7.30 alarm and went back to doze until about 8.00. Should have been enough, the almost-6 hours of sleep. But the sleep wasn’t restful. It was a horrid night/morning. Horrid! Itching in the face until I finally fell asleep. And truly, not a restful sleep at all. And this morning, waking to too much to worry about. The fucking VT shit, the fucking FS shit, the fucking PO shit, and on top of all of it, the banquing shit and the border shit to come. Too much on one mind. And my body is paying the toll for all of it. – I put a bit more onto one of the book-page paintings. Yesterday’s isn’t half bad, but I’m not thrilled with the out-come. – And it’s raining again. I have to check to see if it will stop at all this morning. Then… into the shower and onto the road and hope (more worries) that the car holds through it all. – Dear God… if at all… how much more!?! Just how much more am I to take until I close my eyes for the last time? – I try now, as I always have tried, to do the best toward others. And do I reap what I sow? Hardly, if at all. The nicer I am, the worst the world comes at me. All I… ever wanted was love and peace and harmony. Oh… just all too simply: fuck me! And they do. – 13.45 Been there. Done that. And returned! Quick up. Quick back. WONDERFUL chat at the banque! Quick stop at Metro. And the rains have ceased. Just having another coffee to go with my miserable head-ache. – I took the drapeau out of the back of the car before I left, t see how it would affect the travel. Well, I recognised the fellow at les douanes and the fellow at customs knew me so… no telling. – Next trip, final trip? It would be ever so nice. Something to look forward to. – Now to have the coffee, figure what to do with this day. It’s HOT again… and HUMID! Shit! I didnt come back North for Florida! – PS: The other 2 are in bed! Ca ce peut tu? -23.47 Mowed the front lawn. Mowed behind the barn. Cut 2 Coke cans to make a “red flower” for the hummingbird feeder and hooked it to a limb on the pine tree in the back yard. Also, nailed the back boards on the “garden bench” and put boards on the arms. I’m SO WONDERFUL! – Had the cold cuts on rolls for dinner but no desert! – So now? I want a smoke but I don’t want one and I wanted to be asleep by now but obviously I’m not. – I’ve learnt that I can receive calls on the Google Voice numbers if I have the account open! SO! I can get N.Troy calls! Hey! So I set the 3 accounts up for incoming calls! How about DAT? I got no mobile, but I can receive calls if I have the lap-top running and the account up! Now… to “fix” the FS bullshit! Always something. – Off to try for sleep. I haven’t showered tonight so sleep will be interesting.

Wed.13.May:
8.34 Yes, over-slept again this morning. “Over-slept”? Not really. Went to sleep LATE again last night. And as soon as my head was on the pillow, the facial itching and the nose itching. I wonder what that’s all about. And the “thumping” in the left side of the neck. falling apart here. – The barn thermo reads 40°F this cloudy, breezy morn. Feels more like late Northern Summer heading into Autumn than the late Spring. And my morning is full of anxieties. Oh well. – 19.26 A HUMMINGBIRD AT THE BOTTLE! JUST NOW! YAY! (I’ll have to put more sugar in the water now. I didn’t put much in because I wasn’t sure they’d use it. But HEY! HUMMINGBIRD AT THE BOTTLE!) – I am SHOWERED! AT LAST! – The “Daisy’s Garden” is weeded and cleaned, and bricks re-laid so it’s more accessible as a place to sit. The “bench”… well, I put slats on the front, sawed them to size, then put 2x4s on the arm-rests, and sawed them to size as well. It took the better part of the after-noon. And it looks rather nice again. “All ready for another season of neglect.” I thought as I worked. I put some plastic under the “bench” as well to keep the weeds under some control under there. And Dixie was out with me for most of the day! We even played with the stick for a while before coming in! – She’s such a DEAR! She dug up a lot of places, including right in front of the barn door. But she enjoys being out there all the day. And truth is, I enjoy knowing that she’s out of this house, in the fresh air and sun. She needs that. Poor thing. This morning, the old fuck with the German shepherd came by and Jesterfaggot was out with the brood. The dogs went wild with barking! And HLS went storming out in house-coat, with fly-swatter. Honestly! Later, when Jesterfaggot brought the brood back out and the Mexishit and Ellie started barking, they stopped when they saw me. “They’re always quick to quiet for you.” says the faggot. Stupid bitch. Honestly. I’ve no patience for the stupidity any longer. I ignored and brought Dixie back to the yard with me. – Today’s “meal”… a quart of “Maine Deer” ice cream. Another 1280 calories in a tub. But that shit’s costly! 5,69$! Fukkall. Oh well. 720 calories short of a daily requirement. I suppose… – Now? I have to get to the paper-work for the fucking state and try to “fix” their ignorance by tomorrow. I hope the lap-top will work in the barn and I can use it to make phone calls tomorrow. Honestly, I just don’t know sometimes… MOST times. – The sun is now setting and reflecting off the mirror and into the room. It’s rather delightful at this hour when it goes “golden”. The litter is in the parlour, doing what they do… lounging. I’m clean and having a hot peppermint tea and will try for bed as soon as the sun is gone. TRY! – Hopefully tomorrow morning HLS will be in the bed and I can make a wash. Hopefully. – 23.20 Off to try for some sleep….

Thu.14.May:
7.04 Awake, with the head-ache from Hell for some reason. The sun pouring in through the windows. HLS ensconced in the parlour with “Dr.Phil” on the tele. (Now there’s a great source of depression.) So, no washing of linens or clothes this morning. Oh well. I’m not in the mood anyway, to be honest. And the thermo on the barn reading 20°F. Charming. And another day of anxieties. Yesterday’s ice cream is playing havoc with my bowels (as anticipated, to be sure). And my brain reeling with things that should be done, things that could be done, things than can’t be done and all the rest. Yes, it’s just another morning. And all is as it is. – BUT… there was a HUMMINGBIRD AT THE FEEDER THIS MORNING! I MUST PUT IN A BIT MORE SUGAR FOR THE LITTLE ONES! – 16.02 matzot and sauce… meal. – 17.13 “Home alone”… showered… room Hoovered. Too bad, no washing. But hey… AND THE LAWN IS MOWED! NOT BY ME! DELIGHTFUL! I can, at this point, do it, if I’m so moved. Anyway… – Now I’m rather hungry and I will NOT go to the Whore Market next door and pay through the nose for shit I don’t want. And I won’t go to Hannaford’s either because… well… save gas AND there’s no telling where the 3 are. So, here I sit, having a tea, CLEAN. And ready to watch some QI or something. Ah… – To think: there’s 25CAD in a frame (paper, of course) and another 25US in old 5s. I’m not completely broke. But there’s nothing I want to part with… as if I’ll be around when it’s actually got any other value. Fuck me. Well… it’s there. – 22.33 The day ends with the notice of water restrictions. It’s told that the “holding tanks” are usually “11ft” at this time of year but for some reason, they’re down to only 4ft. What-ever that means. The claim is: the water table is low or there’s a leak in some line some-where. In a chat with HLS, as I had a smoke and s/he had a “hit”, I was asked to, if I noticed car-washing across the road, to notify the authorities. I shouldn’t think so. Not me. Nope. Don’t care. Your town. You deal with it. Then, a request to limit my showering to every other day. I made it clear, I don’t shower unless I work… “WORK” around the barn or yard. It was fine, I think. But it took me rather at an edge I shower because I do “your work”. Oh well. I simply won’t DO “your work” and I won’t require a shower. Fine. – Ah, then a note of the day. As I put some more finishing on the bench in the back, roping, as it were, the back slats to keep the stable, a chat with Jackie. Cecil is in hospice. Prognosis: about a month. She’s thinking of selling the place and wanted ME to ask HLS if the back yard here was still available. I told her, honestly, that I’ve no idea and the “decisions in the house change from moment to moment. What a shame to learn that they, Cecil and Jackie, rent the second floor over there. And entire floor! “Normal” life. I can’t afford it. Besides, it’s rented already. Oh well. She also gave permission to pull the dead growth on their side of the fence which is something I would have liked to do, but with limited showers… nope. She said she could have pulled and burnt but “… Dickie Cooper…” Seems they have trouble with that one as well. Ah… but THEN, as I’m working, the Dickie comes to me to ask if I’m still working with the PO! I told him that I’m out of this office and have applied to Milton. They consider it quite a drive. (Yesterday, when I told HLS, there was all sorts of talk about “snow tyres” and that I should have Bobo look into it for me. WHAT? Oh really! As if….) Anyway, in that chat I heard that the Dickie hated Cecil, as he bitched that Cecil’s garden isn’t being attended. He also doesn’t like Cecil’s religiousity. I passingly informed him that Cecil is not well these days. AND, was quick to add that I don’t get involved with peoples’ religions or politics, especially in this town. I made it clear that I don’t give a shit about this town. And… we went our ways.. It was civil. I learn by engaging others. I teach them by engaging as well. – A mention of today’s events in the house brought no remourse on the news of Cecil and the suggestion that I be quite rude with Dickie. What a group of arses. – So after the chats, I managed to remove the labels from the Bustello jars, put wire hangers round them. Now I have to figure how to cut the lids to put in the solar lights. WHY? I don’t know… it’s something to do… with my last 3$ to my name. I don’t know.. it’s something to do. – Well… this evening, they all took off to go shopping for something. I got to shower and Hoover the room. I shampooed the carpet out-side my door with the automobile shampoo. It didn’t remove the stains, but hopefully will leave enough residue to keep the spaniel away and stop the pissing and such out-side the door… and the stench of it. – Oh.. closing note: they bought some kind of ball that makes noises as it rolls. Little squeaky noises (I learnt: “as seen on TV”). Dixie quite likes it, and as it rolls, it squawks and she and the other dogs bark. Ca ce peut tu? Run after them with fly-swatter when they bark and BUY them something to encourage barking! AND… 15$! for this thing! “We would have gotten two but, at 15$, we couldn’t afford it.” (Ah… meanwhile, I noticed this evening, whilst they were out, the fridges and freezers are full of food that they buy and yet, won’t eat.) – OK. Final note to note: I should limit my showers to every other day, however, I make a wash about twice monthly whilst Jester tosses bed-clothes into the machine and average of twice weekly because the dogs vomit on the bed. Nnnnnnope. – Time for lights out here. I’m hungry: no food. I’d like another smoke: can’t afford. Off to hopefully sleep the night away. Tomorrow? More shit. – “G’nite” then.

Fri.15.May: 6.48 And the anxieties commence. – I woke to the sun-rise this morning at about 6.00. It’s good to get to sleep at a “regular” hour and wake early. Why? I don’t know… to start the anxieties early on, I suppose. First thought: the sketches… the “55 Sketches”… gone. The lawn got mowed yesterday and should be raked. No shower today. So that’s off the list. Next thought: the PO Box. Due at month’s end. Followed by the FS fiasco. No food after the little left is gone. The urge to run, to leave, to go. And I have to take a shit of course. Matzot and 3 donuts. And no shower. Haircut day? Nope. Painting? Perhaps. Little solar lights in the Bustello jars? I doubt it. Oh well. Oh well. Anxieties. – Morning. Another morning. Anxieties. 60 years old. I’ll start to fall apart soon. – 11.02 I decided to take a “nap”and fell into a deep sleep for almost 3 hours! And… I DREAMT:
I was with somebody, family/friends/somebody ambiguous. We were in Richford (or Franklin… ambiguous). It was the end of Winter, more or less, on a brilliantly clear day. We started out in an old car and then were walking. I was wearing flip-flops because it was “warm”. As we walked along what seemed the Richford Rd. (in the direction of the Berkshire Ctr. Rd.) I was looking for the Adirondacks. To my right (North) was a mountain I recognised and on top was much snow! As we walked along, we walked into snow, and I scuffed along, in my flip-flops but when some of the snow got on my left great toe, the pain was horrid! I attributed it to the sudden shock of cold, but it was truly as if I’d stubbed it! But we continued on to a house and barn off the main road, on a dirt road, up the side of a mountain. It was (in the dream) Aunt Gen’s. We just walked in. There were some kids playing in a room, and I seemed to know them but wasn’t too certain. Relatives or somebody. Gen didn’t seem to care whether we were there or not. I commented to one of the kid (they were all much younger that I) “You have a lot of snow up here!” and he said “Yeah? Why?” “Maybe because you’re still up higher than we are.” I replied. And left it at that. There was a baby, and infant really, or so the little one appeared, with beard and moustache. He was laying in a pile of some clothes or laundry, and laughing and speaking or making some kind of speaking noises. I thought: WOW! All that facial hair already! I wonder if he was born with it and if so, what’s he going to be like when he gets older? But then, he looks some-what older already. I left the room and went into the back of the house where I found 3 jars of pale blue glass and wanted to wash them out for some other use. There was a water pipe, not really a faucet, along the stone wall. The wall was painted white for some reason. It was a “kitchen” of sorts. I opened the faucet and the water sprayed from what seemed to be a leak. I rinsed the jars several times to get them clean… I woke. – I’d laid down at about 8.30… it was almost 11.00 when I woke, exhausted still. – Now, 11.13, I’m dressed, just up from a 2nd smoke. Dixie is in the yard, Jester is in the kitchen. I’ve another coffee made an my stomach is still churning. Earlier, I HAD to shit. No wonder, with yesterday’s “intake” of several matzot and 3 donuts and that’s all. – I’m planning on going to the PO, then to Dollar General (solar lights if at 1$) and then to Hannaford’s. I don’t really want to do all that driving. I can’t help but think: I have the car here and still, I don’t want to drive about. I have the car here now and still, I dread the travel. How stupid, really. How awful. How simply discontent all the time. Horrid. Just horrid. I’d like to “do” something today. I’m thinking of cutting down some of the cedar shakes in the barn and painting book-marks or something to add to the Etsy “shop”. Create something. “Do” something. I don’t have the drive to “do” today. – The sun’s gone behind clouds and out-side it’s gotten warmer but in this room, it’s still only about 18°… a cool 18°. And my stomach… my bowels… – Well… another day. – 16.48 The house is empty… and there are now 3 little solar lites in the yard. 1 by the hummingbird feeder, 1 by the bench and one over the wood pile. And me? I’m on my 2nd Ramen… this one with 2 slices artificial cheese. Earl Grey to follow. – 23.52 Just finishing a wonderful chat on the fesses-book with a guy from the Saguenay! TOO TOO LATE to be awake!

Sat.16.May: 19.20 Well then… waiting for another tea and then seriously pondering to sleep. – Woke this morning, feeling rather run over, at almost 9.00! Got up, had coffee, put on the “barn clothes” and headed out the door for first smoke and… directly to the brook for 3 large ferns which are now nicely planted in “Daisy’s Garden” by the bench, along the “back”. Along the “front” are the blubs that were in the back yard, moved to the barn and now moved to the “garden”. It looks rather quite nice. Hopefully the ferns will adapt to the bright sun. It’s been over-cast all day today, so this was a good day to transplant. I then brought the reel out and cut round the tyres and the TV pole and such. Next, on to the front flower-bed to clear the leaves and the fucking paper rubbish that gathers in there. That done.. back to the barn and… Ah… and then, Bobo wakes as I’m diddling in the back. He and Jester brought the picnic table out for their little “do” and me? I hung little pots on the old shutter and when Bobo came round and saw he says it looks like something country and rustic and all that. Yes, thank you. He offered some sort of “onion” plant that had hung in the house but is now on the barn under the thermometre. And he’s hung the blue jay and cardinal under the thermo as well. (He was to say later this evening “I got a lot done today.” I said nothing.) He’d pulled the dead leaves off the fucking plant and, of course, left them on the ground. I left them there too. Anyway, rather than put those things into the pots, I went to the back with Dixie and dug up some little purple flowering sort of thing and stuffed each pot with. They now have some little purple flowering sort of things blooming in them … for the time-being. – All the “work” done, I came into the house. By the time I’d done, it was almost 13.00! So I waited for the loo to clear (HLS being in) and when that was done, I jumped in for a shower. As I was showering, the “guests had arrived”. I finished my shower, changed into clothes and had a coffee. After, I had my 4 franks and let the time roll along… as I browsed the fesses-book and replied to a few items. Had a lovely chat with some buffoon who has the hots for Ms. Sadie (he’s from Quebec, and posted something about the “good and the bad” up there. I helped by posting links to news items of the Francos terrorising the Anglos, to which he replied “You’re trying to scare the shit out of her.” to which I replied that I’m only being honest with her and that the place is hostile toward those who cannot speak French. The thread closed with him saying that he doesn’t live in the past. I would have said it’s not the “past”, it’s the “present” but it would be to no avail. I closed.). – As I was blithering on the fesses-book, came the knock on the door. Bobo giving the “tour” of the place to the guests (who’d come all the way from NH I ws to learn). Of course, came the invitation to join them and my politest non-committal dodge as usual. Honestly! WHAT the fuck would I want to join them for? With that drivelling “Old North End” trash there? I should think not! So I sufficed with my franks and rolls. – I’d gone down for a smoke when I had to run into HLS! I noticed a platter FULL, and I mean FULL of franks and burgers and all sorts of grilled foods as I made my way back up the stairs. HLS extended the invite, I said I was just finishing my tea. Got to the room… knock… Bobo with another invite. “I’m just finishing my tea and ‘doing my nails’”. “Oh, you can finish your tea down-stairs and nobody’s going to mind if you’re doing your nails.” “OK” and he went away. I MADE my tea then and finished filing my nails and watched another episode of “Jeeves and Wooster” until “company” departed. – Using the “I just woke up.” excuse, I went to the back yard where the 3 were seated at picnic table. Bobo tells that the gusts complimented on the yard and were told that it was thanks to the “room-mate”. (Indeed… “the dick” of course.) They were impressed with the little solar lights and of course, Bobo took one apart to show them how they were made. Fine. Fuck off. Thank you. – And so, that all said and done and the little drizzle coming in and the black flies all a-buzz, all have returned to the house. – I am SO tired this evening! Truly. I’m almost rather convinced that I actually DO have some sort of “clot” because there’s pain in my left chest, there was that flutter in the neck, I’m tired, I tend to wobble a bit now and then. In fact, this morning, I felt SO poorly that I was almost looking forward to going down to the brook, starting to dig and dropping dead. Yes, it’s actually gotten that bad. It’s painful and uncomfortable and tiring. Oh well. – Now? There’s no “sweets” for after the franks so I’ll try for a sugared tea. In a little while I’ll be in bed, hopefully to sleep. I’m feeling rather down, physically and in spirits. – I’ve no doubt I’m “the dick” again this evening for having dodged the festivities (again). But oddly, nobody notices enough to enquire. And I’m actually at a point where I’ll tell them: I do not eat or fete with people I do not like… and I’ve been more than patient with that little faggot, and have taken heed and avoided as much as possible… I will NOT lie and break bread at the same table. – That said… time for tea.

Sun.17.May: 8.30 Had set the alarm for 7.45 and actually woke just before it! So I am a awake and again, wondering “why?”. Worst thing I could have done was do view the photos taken from the fesses-book from last year… the garden and the comment about how “WE” took care of Daisy’s flowers, and the produce from the garden. Right then. New day. Old shit. – Last night I was in the bed by about 22.30. Watched several episodes of “Jeeves and Wooster” wondering HOW the HELL people make that sort of money and why the fuck I don’t. Anyway, it was about 21.30 when I tried to sneak down for the last smoke and stubbed my foot on the door-stop. Had to smoke with HLS. Oh well. Not too bad, I suppose. At times I tend to believe that I’m the only voice of any “sanity” for him. (This morning I pondered the “dynamic” of this house-hold. Bloody repulsive: married couple and the one spouse actively brings the concubine into the fray. Not my circus.) – Not feeling all too well this morning. Bowels churning a bit. The package of matzot no doubt. – I see that somebody pulled some lilacs off the bush out front last night and just left them there on the pavement. This town, this shit town, these scat-rats. – Oh well… new day… WTF as they say. – 18.19 The day is drawing to a close and I can’t be any happier. I just wish it were closer to closed. – BUT… THE WiFi WORKS IN THE BARN! Not only did I get to Skype Viv, I PHONED AND SPOKE WITH HER! This is a delight! I can actually get to the FS folk in the morning tomorrow! AND… should the spirit move, chat with Ev! Not to mention, perhaps others… like whom?… others… I suppose. – As for “toil” today, I cut 6 “bookmarks” from cedar, and sanded them down. I’m just going to make a “stencil” for the sketches and paintings. 6 for 7$ or so I should think. I’ll put some work into them, but… – Viv saw the Etsy items and commented that they’re “pricey”. Hey! As we all know: if somebody wants, they’ll buy. And, of course, there’s no thought about the amount of work that actually goes into any of what I produce so… – I also put the perch back on the hummingbird feeder, took that “can flower” off, moved the solar lite from the wood-pile to the front of the barn where it can be seen (by me of course). Didn’t do much else. – Some-how I seem to have injured my chest, left side again, of course, I leaned too heavily on the shepherd’s hook putting the solar lite into the garden and just that bit of pressure has left lasting pain. Yes, I’m falling apart. Not quickly enough though. – That was the day. – 4 franks on rolls for “meal” at about 16.00. I’m rather set for the evening. I pondered going to Mayhew’s but thought better of saving the gas. As it is, tomorrow I’ll have to head to Bedford for smokes. There goes the paper 20. Oh well. I’m 60. What the fuck? It won’t matter to anybody anyway. – Now, I’m off to draw something and maybe even try to paint. Something to occupy the time… until… – 23.09 Well, I got TWO hummingbird bookmarks painted and when I just looked at them, they really look quite nice! SURPRISE! 4 more to go, I think. Then, onto Etsy. I posted photos on fesses-book to see what kind of reaction they’d get. None. Oh well. – Meanwhile, I’m just up from last smoke. 3 left in the pack. – The solar lites I moved look so cute in the back tonight. I’ll ponder getting more (even though I’m flat-assed broke). – The pain in the left side of my chest is miserable. It hurts when I cough. It hurts if I sit in the wrong position. I wonder what I did there. Seems I’m getting closer to 60 and shit’s falling apart. Ah… just let me have enough time to get HOME, into the woods and away. I’ll have to seriously look into this and plan. At the rate things are going, I don’t want to be bothered with the entire Summer this year. Date… I have to figure a date… and the security of no-fail. Must look into this seriously whilst I may. – Tomorrow? The last 20 and a pack of smokes. If I use properly, 5 more days. Or… maybe I’ll wean down to completely off and then? Check-out from quitting. It’s a thought. – I could use a bit of a shower tonight. Itchy. But I’d settle for a hand-washing and yet… the house is asleep. Oh well. – I should do a wash tomorrow. But I won’t. 8.00 and out the door! Should be an interesting crossing: “A pack of cigarettes.” Oh yeah… that should go over well… there’ll be a total search again, no doubt. Fuktardz. – Time to check the employment before sleep and then… try for sleep. I’m tired… but awake… again. Fuck this! – 24.21 Just noting: Checked the wants for the PO… BURLINGHAM! OMFG! But, whilst I checked the glgl map, I got SO dizzy and wanted to vomit! WOW! Something is gone “wrong” in me. – Going to sleep now.

Mon.18.May:
HOME
7.48 Had the alarm set for 7.45 and woke before it, at about 7.30. The sun is pouring in through the window again this morning, the barn thermo is reading almost 80°F, there’s a breeze blowing about and in through the windows. I’ve had my coffee and smoke (2 remain in the pack) and me? I am feeling AWFUL! The pain in the chest and oddly, I “feel gravity”. Very heavy this morning. Too much on the mind. Things I should do, things I must do (FS) and things, in general. Heavy. Just heavy this morning. Heavy. – 17° on the meteo, up to 26 today with the sun and tomorrow, 23 with rain. Well then. The day commences. – On the way up the stairs just now I thought: my fortune.. I’d have a heart attack on the steps, nothing “kind” or “convenient”. Just BANG, on the steps. Inconvenient. How charming… how “me”. – And yes, the pain in the chest. Bruised a rib? I don’t know. No time for this shit. – Notes at midnight: Well… I made it HOME today. Got me dressed and together and by about 11.30 I was out the door and on the road. As I left, I was rather shocked to see Bobo in the parlour. Another bout of “vertigo” he said. Oh well. Fine then. I was off. – Crossing HOME was a snap again. How wonderful to be greeted as a “friend” rather than the “enemy”. I took the Morses Line/Dalpé and grabbed some video of the trip today as the sun shone. (Sadie had asked for “pics” so I though t I’d do the “vid” instead.) – Went directly to Sonic, grabbed a pack of smokes and a package of “caramel cremes” (used the card, which I had NO intention of doing at the on-set, but the donuts… well… they’re eaten already.) – Trip back? NY and VT at the crossing. Bingo! And through. A delight. And another video of part of that trip as well. – Back at the “home”, I changed and went back to clean the back barn (again) so that there’s a place to sit and what-ever, especially since I know I can bring the lap-top now. – THAT was filthy work. I’d no intention of doing anything do dirty, but one thing led to another and, that “chaffe” that falls from the ceiling… I took care of that, cleaned the “table” off and it looks rather nice now… but I was FILTHY when done! – In the house by about 17.00 to shower, change and head over to Mayhew’s for potato salad, rolls and 2 tins of Twisted Tea! What a lovely drive there and back and, as I passed Nr.19, 2 women sitting on lawn-chairs. Looks like the place is inhabited again. Woe to me. For now anyway. – When I got back, I ate a good, filling meal this evening. Thankfully. There won’t be many more of those in near future. And I found some soft-ware on the lap-top to splice the videos. Unfortunately, the combined was too big for tmblr but I managed to post St-Armand and Morses Line separately. They’re out there now. – This evening, believe it or not, a smoke on the back porch with HLS as the rains began to fall. I had to park in front of Cecil’s tonight because there’s a forecast of heavy winds to come and the old TV antennae is still dangling on the roof (waiting for ME to get it down… of course). I don’t like having the car parked up there, but there’s really not much choice at this juncture. – Then, for some un-known reason, I was still awake at 21.00. I thought HLS would be asleep but no… so off to another smoke as the storm came in from Plattsburgh. As we sat and had “a beverage” again this evening, it came. POURED GUSHED DELUGE for moments and then… gone. THAT was at about 23.00! Another late night here, in spite of the Twisted Tea AND the light vodka drink. – Well, that was this day. Time to TRY for some sleep or rest or something. – My chest is quite painful tonight. Quite. I wonder what the actual fuck I did here. It was a simple thing, really: a little pressure on the ribs putting the shepherd’s hook into the ground. I’m crumbling… I truly must get my “plans” together here. I don’t see me about through the Summer. (At last! Hey! I was almost jubilant in the car today, pondering death. Jubilant!)

Tue.19.May: 7.52 PAIN! SHIT! PAIN! Breathing. Coughing. Anything. PAIN! in the chest. – Sweating too this rainy morn. Ever so awful. – Wash is in the machine though. – Dread. Anxiety. And a touch of weakness. – Another day. – I jolted from half-awake at about 7.00, being told to “just pull over to the left there” and being angry as all Hell. – Good morning. Indeed. – Oh… Jester’s out on the road again this morning. How charming… free rides… on rainy days. Gee… Free rides, free medical, free food, free income… free. I am ever always just so, SO FUCKED! – 8.19 clothes in the dryer…. to get the paper out of them! Fuck me. Nice start to the day. Eh? – 15.38 The sun is just coming back out after a few down-pours. I’ve been in the back barn from since about 11.30. I DID manage to get the call through to FS today! HEY! YAY! Internet in the barn! Ca ce peut tu? Also managed to get the St-Armand video to the tmblr and the links to same to Sadie, via fesses-book. Ah… and her chum there… Dan (another one): Blocked. Fucking idiot. Once again, it seems these morons see me as their competition. Males are hopeless. – That aside, the little solar lights didn’t stand to last night’s rain. Water in the jars today. So, genius here… the containers for those shitty “sundaes” in the market next door? Quite the delightful fit… and on FS! I’d gotten only 2 and yes, they need a bit of work to set properly, but 2 are together for now and the 3rd light is covered in a plastic bread bag… just to see how that works for now. Oh well. – I’d wanted to get some painting done today as well but the “work table” here (I’m in the barn as I type this) is too high, I can’t seem to find a good “lap board” AND I’ve left the stencils for the birds up in the room! SO… it’s a “take it easy” kind of day in the barn No prob really… my chest/ribs is/are so sore. I should probably be in hospital instead of in barn. Oh well… Fuck me! Fuck this world. – I could use a nap. Maybe a coffee (I’ll have to see about setting those up out here too I suppose). But the day is almost at a close anyway. And, nicest of all, I don’t “need” a shower. How lovely is that? Eh? – 23.05 In much pain tonight. No sense thinking about it. It’s there and there’s nothing that will be done about it. – I’ve got 4 hummingbird bookmarks done. 2 more to go and then post them. Perhaps 10$ for a set of 3. I’ll see. No sense making it much less, considering the percentage Etsy will take. Anyway, it keeps me busy and I’m enjoying it. I wish I had my better brushes though. More of my “life”… gone. – Bread for “meal” this evening. But I DID have that container of cottage cheese for lunch today with the 2 sundaes. So that’s not too bad. – I look at my body these days: I’m looking 60 suddenly. It’s catching up. Time to check the hell out of this shit-run. I have to put in some serious planning here. Sutton? Or farther North? We shall see. Need cash to get farther North though. Even NY is starting to look OK as well. – Speaking of which, so many openings in the “old” NY areas. Callicoon and environs, Burlingham. How strange. But I will NOT go back South! I will NOT! – Now to wait and see what kind of paper-work will be coming from FS. I still marvel at being able to make that phone call today. It’s goo to know that I can. And with the back barn neat again, it’s no trouble at all, really. Very nice. I’ll have to ring Ev too during the week. – Well, have had the last smoke. Waiting for tea. Then to sleep… I hope. – Pain tonight… it’s the pain.

Wed.20.May: 00.56 Fuck! – Jeeves and Wooster. 2 episodes. – 9.25 Ca ce peut tu? JUST waking this morning! And I don’t really want to be awake even at this hour. Oh well. – Over-cast again this morning and the barn thermo is at 40°F. Breezy too. Pain in the chest, as usual. Things I’d like to do (mow the lawn, do some gardening, paint, create something) and things I don’t want to do. I missed this morning’s trash pick-up again. Alas. Unimportant. I suppose. – Viv… I wish there was something I could do to lift her spirits. I can’t though. I’m not in the mind-set. – It’s the 20th. The month is gone. Smokes enough until tomorrow. Alas. – Pain. It’s the pain. And nobody knows… nobody. Oh well. – Another day. – 12.48 I’m still not dressed. But the hummingbird bookmarks are done… 6 of them. One is a bit shitty, but the rest are rather nice! And so now I suppose I should get the fuck out of this house… now that the day is shot to hell. – 23.59 Car alarm just went off for the 2nd time in the past 5 minutes! I wonder what the fuck that’s about. And of course, Mexishit has to yip. Fucking waste. Oh well… fun in the evening. Hopefully somebody is disturbed. – SO then, I am in the bed with my 2nd “tea”… the peppermint leaves from the back yard! The first one I had earlier this evening. Really quite delish, I must say. “Fresh”. Of course. – The events of the day were almost nothing because of the cold and clouds this morning. I went to the barn, sanded 3 more “bookmarks”, put a drop of glue on 2 of the solar lights to hold the plastic covers on and came back in to paint.. hummingbirds. Well… round about 14.00 the sun came out! No heat, but sun-shine! My intention then was to simply mow over by the swing… but that moved along to the South side of the house and then to the rest of the back yard!!! I managed to mow all the way even with the back of the barn! I AM IMPRESSED! (I did NOT mow over the dog-shit though, so there are some “tufts”. If mentioned, I’ll tell… you don’t pick up the dog shit, I won’t mow over it. As it is, I scooped some up and “left” it right out-side the “garage” door. Fuck dat. As it were.) But HEY! The yard is MOWED! AND I DID IT! WITH A REEL MOWER! I AM IMPRESSED! – After the mowing was a quart of ice cream… “meal”… which I brought to the room and had whilst watching “Jeeves and Wooster”. And then returned to the painting of the book-marks. – OH OH A check of the PO employment: The Milton spot is gone but THOMPSON RIDGE is posted! BURLINGHAM… CALLICOON… THOMPSON RIDGE! I wonder… I don’t want to go back South now.. not at this juncture of my life… but WOW! – Anyway, as I painted this evening, (Oh… there’s NO mention of all the mowing that got done… not that I’d expect any of course) HLS came to the room to ask if I was going for my smoke this evening. Ah… indeed, at about 22.00 I did and we did and when we came back in, we shared a can of “Birch Beer” soda. How nice and charming… and we chatted. How lovely. Indeed. – Before I forget, must mention that all the while I was out back mowing… THREE of them were asleep! TWO of them hadn’t been awake more than about 30 minutes during the day. Oh well.. – And now, at 24.12, I’m to finish my tea, which looks so nice: the fresh leaves in the glass mug, only the slightest tint of green to the water and the aroma and flavour are wonderful! I’m going to have to stop buying mint tea and pluck fresh from now on… or find a way to freeze and hide and such. And once the tea is done… I need to get to sleep. I HAVE to blow my last 20$ tomorrow.. smokes. (After that… dread.)

Thu.21.May:
HOME
11.15 I woke at about 7.00 with a god-awful tickle in the nose and sneezing fit! Felt like complete shit this morning, tired, run-down, horrid! Peed. Went back to bed. Woke at about 9.00, still feeling run-down, had coffee, smoke and came back up to get to finish the hummingbirds… and they are… 9 of them, 3 sets of 3. – Apparently Bobo has taken another day off. He came careening in at about 10.30 or so. Ah… I guess the ordeal of having the car alarm going off at mid-night was just too much for his delicate little system to take. – Meanwhile, I need to get to the dép. – The PAIN in my lung (I do believe that’s where it is) is EXCRUCIATING this morning! Ever so difficult to take breath. And this morning, I’m a touch on the feverish side as well, a bit “out of it” in the head. “Spinny” sort of sort. If it’s ca. I’m in luck! October? I’ll see to it that it’s before then… it gets a tad too cold in October. I’ll have to check and see what they do with dead carcases who have nobody to “properly” bury them… just in case I can’t make it HOME, doncha know. – Well… 11.21 I was going to do a hair-cut, don’t much feel like it right now. Off to the dép, maybe to the market (I do need some kind of “food” here), maybe to the PO (I really should)… and hopefully it won’t empty the gas tank! – Sun shining. Nice breeze. Barn thermo read 60°F this morning. Time to go… in SO many ways and at SO many levels. – 14.15 I went HOME for a pack of smokes… quick in… quick out. Then off to Hannaford’s for FOOD at last! Next… off to the PO for both boxes and nothing save one envelope from FS that I have not, yet, opened. And I’m just in for a tea. – My entire body aches! BUT… Curtie was here and finished the mowing out back. AND… I had the opportunity to make it known that I did NOT mow over the dog shit. (Curtie did not mow where I had done yesterday. Ah hahah… fucktard.) – Anyway, I am off to mow the front and to do a little gardening because my entire body aches terribly now. Horribly! Death would be much finer. – Jester is hobbling about. The other 2 are asleep. This house… make me sicker. – And a thought as I was leaving Bedford today: Years ago I wished that I could reach a point in my life where I could speak 2 languages equally well. I’m at that point, at long last, since I talk with myself mostly in French and although my vocabulary isn’t equal to my English, I can simply make my way through daily routines in French with-out troubles. Ah… now I find myself at that point where I’d wished to be… now… at the point where I’m SO ready to drop dead at any moment. Yes… it took all this time to get here… and now it’s time to leave. My “life”… “Life”; to some, a blessing, to others a miserable curse… to me… HELL! –

Has anyone ever paid attention to the fact:
2 people screw, having a jolly old time of it and the results is: a child.
For the earliest years, the parents make the child dependent upon them for everything: nourishment, clothing, shelter, teaching the child to walk and talk and such… dependent for everything, every need.
Then, one day, the time comes when the child MUST leave… the house, the protection, the support, the care… the food, clothing, shelter and all. “You MUST go! You’re now at ‘that’ age. Get out!”
Years go along and the next thing that “child” hears is: “I’m old and dying. Now, not only will you not be provided for as you once were, you’ll no longer be able to come to me for anything, not even a chat!” And with-out so much as “by your leave”, those parents who shoved this existence on this once-a-child and now an adult, shove off, never to be seen nor heard from again.
Ah… but, in come cases, their child has done the very same thing that they did… from the jolly little woo-hoo-fuck-fest to shoving a child into the world. And, as time goes along, the very same circle will continue, over and over and over again: FORCE a living being into a “life” with-out a single consideration for the life-time of that being, with-out any consultation with that being. Just fuck-and-go. Boom-boom there you are.
And the oddest part is those who insist: “Rejoice in this day with which you have been blessed!”
Fuckall! Really? “Blessed”? Needing to struggle along for the most basic of necessities. Emotional bonds with others who come and go, leaving terrible memories and pain. Body falling apart as it grows older and weaker. “Blessed”? I didn’t ask for this shit… how then “blessed”?

Have you ever taken notice:
An item, a thing, furniture, trinket, some bit of “stuff”, as time passes, the item, the thing becomes, to people, more valuable. “Vintage”. “Collectible”. “Antique”. “Heirloom”. There is an ever-increasing value placed on the “thing”. It can be sold at a shop or auction for 10$, 100$, 1000$, or 10,000$ depending on how “old” it is, how long it’s existed.
Now then, people… The more time that passes, the “older” the person gets. BUT, unlike the bit of stuff, a person does NOT become more valuable. A person dos NOT become “Vintage”, “Collectible”, and “Antique” of value, nor an “Heirloom”… not even to the family into which the person was born. A person’s value DECREASES with age. As an infant, the person is the recipient of all sorts of admiration, love and care. As an “old” person, there is the “burden” of being forced to care for him/her, the disdain of having “it” around, taking time and energy and space. And there is the added “burden” of waiting for the person to drop dead, followed by the “burden” of having to dispose of the remains… body and possessions.
“Life”… Isn’t it just grand?

14.58 OUT the door! Tea is done! – 17.56 Back in. Front yard mowed. Gargage garden cleaned. Bleeding hearts cleaned. Me? In Pain! – Water for franks on. I’m done for the day. – Oh… Fagboy let the dogs out whilst I was on the garage garden… Dixie took a shit… it’s still there. Fucking shit… the faggot too. – 20.27 Well… I got my hair cut at last. TOO SHORT again! I still can’t get the hang of this new trimmer. But, at least it isn’t down to almost nothing like the strip-job I did that one time. Ah… and then I go to head to the shower and… FAGBOY IS IN THERE! DOES ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING ALL FUCKING DAY BUT LAY IN THAT BED AND WAITS UNTIL THE END OF THE DAY TO TAKE THE FUCKING LOO! I SO NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK AND OUT OF HERE! Right now, even back to the Hudson Valley is starting to look better than this. But, I sit in silence.. I sit in silence… having my Twisted Tea. Perhaps tomorrow I shall run for gas (there goes the last of my money) and to Mayhew’s for some “snacks and refreshment”. (I have 4 franks from tonight’s dinner for tomorrow.) – Oh well… just passing the time now. A bit of Jeeves and Wooster perhaps and then… hopefully, I’ll be able to shower today’s sweat and this hair off. No matter what… I WORKED for the shower… and a SHOWER I shall have before bed! I’m tired of putting up with that queen bitch. Fucking waste. Say what anybody will: I have ALWAYS WORKED for everything I’ve ever gotten… including time in the loo. Fucking trash. – 21.30 and I’ve only JUST showered! I put on an episode of “Jeeves and Wooster” to pass the time. Just over 50 minutes. Thankfully, when it was over, the loo was free. I almost hesitated to get into the shower but… I was NOT about to get under the covers with all of the day’s dust and dirt on me! Honestly! What the actual fuck would that piece of “Old North End” white trash need with a shower anyway? And why wait until end of day? Ah… no sense thinking about it. The shit is done… and so too, my shower. – I want a smoke… and then I want to go to sleep.. and then I don’t want to wake from my sleep. Right. As if….
TWO LITTLE HUMMINGBIRDS AT THE FEEDER THIS EVENING! SO SO CUTE! I’M HAPPY THEY’RE GETTING NOURISHMENT FROM IT. I’VE DONE SOMETHING CORRECT IN MY RECENT EXISTENCE.

Fri.22May: 1.27 Just up from final smokes and “cocktails” with HLS, followed by a bit of discussion on music, as only we do. – As we stood outside tonight, he asked if I’d notied he’s “different” these days. I said that I’d noticed he’s more tired that usual. Says he: depressed and feeling “alone”. Seems Bobo is doing the “silence” thing, and being rather avoiding. HLS is concerned that Bobo will soon simply walk away from the marriage. Ah… I’d said that when Gay marriage becomes legal, I would become a divorce attorney. I should have done. Men, in general, are truly not “relationship” material. And even as my own father proved, they’re not responsible creatures. Me? I could have been… I just never found anybody I felt I could trust enough… and as time has passed, I’ve been proved to be correct. Too bad for “them”. I’d have made a wonderful “Life Partner”. – Well, “yesterday” is done and a new day commences as I retire. When I came into the room, it was rather chilly but the air coming in the window carries the scent of the lilacs out-side the window. How wonderful it could have been, had it not been here… in this town. I will NEVER “enjoy” this town. Nasty bunch of shits here. Oh well. But tonight I’m showered and am off to wrap the day at long last. – No doubt, tomorrow will be ever so difficult when it comes time to wake. But… the day rolld along, painfully, and yes, I did the best I could with what I had. – 11.01? And I’m only JUST waking and still waiting for the coffee water to boil! I didn’t realise it’s this late! SHIT! Not, mind, that I had anything pressing that I can recall needing to do… but really… NOON? Fuck! – 18.45 I really do think this is it… Time to depart. It’s been over 2 weeks I believe, since the pain in the left lung started. And just now, I’m in from trying to toss the Frizbee with Dixie and the pain is all but debilitating. I’m out of breath. My head feels as if it’s going to explode. And the bit of food I had for today’s meal wants to come back up. Even my fingers are weak as I try to type this. I’ve sent word to Viv, I’ve moved the book sales income to the CIBC account. I don’t see much longer for this to keep going. Cancer? Collapsed lung? Not sure. But I don’t care. It’s just rather painful. – But it didn’t keep me from doing a bit of “yard work” today. I found 2 window boxes in the upper barn and some of those old plastic pots. So I put the window boxes behind the “garage” where it shows that the thing shifted. It covers the space there. And into each box, 5 pots. I alternated Lilly of the Valley and wild violets in them and the one larger box has the yellow and white violets in the centre. Hopefully, they’ll take well in the chill air of today and tonight and be strong enough for the warmer weather to come. Hopefully the transplants will out-last me and my remaining stay here. – Now I have to figure what to do with the little bit of shit that I have here. It’s rather unfair to leave it behind for them to get rid of. And if there’s anything that might have any value, I’d rather it went to Viv. I have some planning to get done now… and now is when I do believe I “must”… not just as an over-reaction, but because I truly do believe that this is serious enough. – I’m taking the password off this journal in the event anybody might be remotely interested. At least here, the “truth” about me is documented. Not that it makes any difference. No matter what, there will always be those who think I’m shit and those who will know that everything I’ve ever done, I’ve done for what I thought and believed to be the best. – I’m really exhausted right now. There are clean linens for the bed tonight, but I don’t know that I’ll have the stamina to shower. I should. I’ll try… in a little while. – 21.23
Cyndi Mack: When somebody resides at an address for more than 30 days, it is their LEGAL residence. So what you did isn’t only unethical… it’s also very much illegal. I didn’t take you to court and sue you. You’re welcome.
Nancy Lloyd: Throwing cheques at somebody who simply asked you to make a phone call? I declined the offer for money… you made a promise you never intended to keep. Oh, and yes, I DO know what happened, and I carry that with me far beyond my here-and-now.

That said I’ve showered. The bed is made with CLEAN linens! The Shabbat candles are glowing. I am finishing the “duty free” vodka (not even a drink worth but it’s the thought). The “house” has retired. There are frost warnings for tonight. Cold. And the pain in my chest, well, the most and the best I can do is hope that I just have enough time to get HOME. – Time for an episode of “Jeeves and Wooster”. – And THANK YOU Mr. Stephen Fry, for having brought me through some of the darkest moments of my life-time. You truly are an angel. –

Sat.23.May: 1.19 Tired. Hungry. Can’t sleep. And off to lights out. Shabbat candles poofed. – 9.58 I woke at 8.00, I got out of bed at about 9.00. The house is awake… the entire house. The sun is brilliantly shining. The breeze is cool and pleasant. I’ve had coffee and a smoke… Trying to figure what to do with this day. And am in MISERABLE PAIN. – All is as it should be. – 13.52 Feeling like shit but Cecil’s back yard looks cleaner. And Dixie sat with me on the bench for a while. We just came in, she ate her “brunch” thank goodness. And the house is empty. The fagz are off on the town. Me? I have all to do to breathe. But am having a tea. –
There will always be those who toil… and those who will not toil but benefit from the toil of others.
I am hungry. I am tired. I am tired of being hungry. I am tired of being. – 16.33 Shutters up on the barn and I snoozed on the bench in the back… with m’Dixie. Franks time. – (On Sunday at 13.30) Strange turn of events today. Yes, there was word from Viv on the Skype. I’ve told her of the pains in the lung and that I’d like to get together with her so that she can have access to anything I leave behind. I’ve changed the book payments to CIBC and if I continue to get FS, I suppose she could use them for at least one shot anyway. Fuck. I’ve paid for them, somebody should get to use them… rather than the worthless dregs of the world. – Anyway, it was rather nice, being with Dixie, lounging and dozing on the bench in the garden, especially after having pulled all the dead “Jerusalem artichokes” from Cecil’s. – So I came into the house, quietly, at about 17.00 or so, got into a quick shower, came into the room and put on the sleepers, crawled under the blankets and… of all things… by 18.00 I was ASLEEP! WENT RIGHT OFF TO SLEEP! The day… done, finished, complete. The pain in the lung was horrific. It took some time to get comfortable, but once I got a relatively pain-free position… EXHAUSTION! Whatever it is in there it’s taking my strength and energy… and… in spite of Viv’s message: “Get to the EMERGENCY! If Ididn’t start the new job on Monday I’d be right down there.” I don’t give a shit. In fact, I so don’t give a shit that, well, what-ever is here? let them deal with it. My only concern is getting away from everybody on time. Other than that? J’men câlisse, to be quite honest about it all.

Sun.24.May: 13.37 Ah… time to catch up with the day’s shit… for all there is of it. – I woke once this morning, at about 1.26. Imagine! I’d already had about 7 hours’ sleep by then. I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I wanted to see just how “awake” I actually was so I put on the “jacket” from John, expecting it to be chilly, and went, with m’Dixie, down for a smoke. It was almost delightful, not too cold and the sky was clear. Only HLS was awake when I went out and I managed to get out in silence. But on the way back, apparently the sound of Dixie heading up the stairs aroused and I heard a quiet “Randy?” from the parlour, which I ignored and came right back into the room. I SO wanted to document the dream I’d woken from, but didn’t dare, lest the light shine through the door and I’d have to chat or something. Besides, I just really wanted to get back to sleep. I’m truly, in the truest sense of the word… EXHAUSTED! of late. So I came in, got back under the covers, found a relatively pain-free position to lie in and… There was a bit of movement across the road. A group of young guys in their trucks and such, parked at the lot. All chatting about something or another. I couldn’t quite make out what and didn’t give a shit, really. They were here and gone in moments and I put my head back on the pillow and it mere moments.. right back off to sleep… sleep… sleep, maybe at about 2.00. – I woke at about 9.00 this morning. Another 7 hours of sleep. And real sleep too. I could very well have stayed in bed this morning. I have the desire to get up and “do” but not the ambition nor the energy. It’s frustrating. But I did get up, had my coffee, started to document last night’s dream. Then gave in and went for a smoke. – Jester is cleaning across the hall… Hoover going with crackling and all. About time, really, I should think. I don’t recall it ever having been touched since he arrived. Not that it’s any of my business really. Oh well. – 12.01 I was finally getting into the dream recording, typing away. Bobo and Jester are chatting across the hall. I’ve no idea what they’re chatting about and don’t care. – The left lung is still EVER SO SORE! And this morning, I coughed up something “tubular”. Like mucous, only in a long, tubular, worm-like shape. I put it on a paper towel and actually got to un-tangle it… it’s about 5cm long, no blood stain or anything, just a thin, worm-like string of semi-solid mucous. I wonder what the fuck THAT is and where it came from and how it got to where it was before I’d coughed it up. Oh.. things are happening in this old body here. “Things”. – 4 smokes remain in the pack for the day and when they’re gone… they’re ALL gone and there’s not enough money here and there to get more. Oh well… – The weather report claims it’s rather warmish out there today in the bright sun-shine. But in this room, even my fingers are cold. I’m dressed in jeans and a shirt, and in no mood to pfutz today. Well, I’m in a “mood” to but I physically don’t have the energy. – There’s nothing to eat for a “meal” today, save matzot. Oh well… at this rate, I’ll probably go right back to bed shortly anyway. – 13.51 I went for a smoke with m’Dixie. It IS rather warm out there and still, so cold in this room. – Oh, on the earlier smoke I saw that the hummingbirds actually DO use that little twig-perch I put on the feeder! SO CUTE! I actually had to smile. – In other news: Bobo’s cleaning the “Media Room” out and Jester is cleaning it’s chambre. Bobo woke HLS at long last and when HLS saw the now almost-clean Media Room, had a conniption over not being able to find CDs when searched for. As Bobo said “When was the last time you looked for a CD in there.” “I don’t know but now I’ll never be able to find anything.” and… HLS is right back in the bed, all “disturbed” by this activity. Honestly… if my general health doesn’t kill me off, the depression in this house will. On the way back into the room, Jester HAD to tell me ALL about the meds…. BOTTLES AND BOTTLES AND BOTTLES of meds, and old mail and such that’s in that room. Hey! MEDS? I wonder… next time they’re all out on a jaunt… my ticket to ride! YAY! – Well… the dream is not documented, quite well. I’m going to post it to my social media… for schitzengiggles, with-out explanation or introduction. Just post it. I’m taking to posting quite a bit of late… I no longer give a fuck or a shit. – One thing that does cause me more pain though: Brent’s Austin. That poor child! The suffering! Brain cancer! This world is one royal fuck… right into every orifice we have. This world… Mamma hit it perfectly on point: I don’t fear any Hell after life. There is no Hell after this. THIS is Hell. After this, there is only Peace. – She knew then… I have been blessed with having this wisdom. She was correct.. on the point. After this… only Peace. But I can only hope that Austin doesn’t suffer. Children like her don’t deserve suffering. THAT should be meted out to those who cause suffering to others. But some-how, this world doesn’t seem to be set that way… some-how…

DREAM:
I was given a ticket, something of a “prize”, for something I’d done, but I don’t know what, exactly it was that I’d done. Still, I was excited and thrilled. An airline ticket, for a trip to some-where. At the time, I had no idea where I was going, but it was someplace exciting.

I woke from this dream, laying in bed, in the darkness of the early morning, saddened that I’d woken, wishing that I’d managed to get out and away, but actually quite relaxed and in great spirits. I looked at the clock… 1.26. It was Sunday morning already… I’d been asleep for almost 7 hours… and was ready for another 7 hours… so tired… so damned.. DAMNED tired!
END OF THE DREAM

14.00 and the day rolls on… just rolls on. I’m some-what- some-how dissociated again today. The brain and the mind are in some other reality. I’m thinking of going out to the bench for a while… with m’Dixie. She too seems to be taken by something today. Irregular breathing and panting again. How odd. How just odd. – (on Monday morning: Well! Again tonight, in bed by17.30. At about 19.30 or 20.00, there came the knock on the door. They “had a fire” out back. I feigned sleep, not wanting to bother because of not wanting to be bothered and having no smokes to go with the occasion. Ah, may they enjoy… the fruits of my labours. As if. There will be miserable things said about me and none of it will make any difference. I say that now, more-so than in the past because this afternoon, I took pencils, music and sketch book out to the bench in the garden to draw. Dixie was with me today too. “A man and his dog.” as it were. As I doodled a weeping willow, which I never did finish, I heard “Knock knock.” Jackie came to the fence. Cecil has died. The funeral and such were yesterday. She cried a bit. So too, did I. Me, more-so because his suffering is finished, and because of her loss. We chatted a bit about Cecil, what she plans for the house and so. As we chatted, Bobo came round the barn, saw the two of us at the fence and he went back into the house. Well, I told him the news, not wanting to possibly depress HLS any more. But, it wasn’t moments later, the 3 of them were sitting at the picnic table and HLS says “I hear Cecil died”. Leave it to Bobo to tell Jester and Jester jumping at the news. Faggots. Truly. I’ve nothing further to say. – Well. having only one smoke remaining, I decided to finish the day. My chest is still quite painful as well, so I thought it best to simply get to bed, try for another dream of travel to where-ever. – It was a difficult night because, unlike last night, I wasn’t too terribly tired. But, I’d rather be in bed, trying for sleep, that to be awake, trying to dodge the rest of the day. 17.30… into bed. Today is finished.)

Mon.25.May:
HOME
6.19 Am catching up on yesterday before getting into this morning. – 6.30 I’ve counted cash, checked FS. CAD comes to just short of a pack of smokes. Last night I decided to take the 5s I was going to save, because they’re rather “old” and split: 10 to change for smokes and 15 into the gas tank. I might get 2 packs out of the changing and what I have.. might. Should. At what I believe is current price for gas, I should get about 5,5gals which is about ,33tank which isn’t bad but… FS I see this morning, is down to 7$. And I doubt I’ll be getting any for next month. NO FOOD! NO GAS! NO SMOKES! WOW! This is going to be quite and most difficult coming along. 10$ to keep the CU account open for future direct deposit, 11 in the CIBC which isn’t enough to amount to anything at all. Times, they are a-crashin’ here. The best that I can hope for is that this lung pain is the end. – The house is calm… they’re sleeping last night off. And the skies are over-cast. I’m plotting the morning. – The border opens in another 90 minutes. But the banque doesn’t open for another 3,5hrs. Thus far it’s back roads to the Sheldon Shell for gas, then to the banque to change the 10, Sonic for smokes and back here for… what-ever. Well, if nothing, it gets me out of the house. Hopefully all is well with the car. That’s been parked in front of Cecil’s-now-Jackie’s for the past several days. In this town, there’s no telling what the fuck the in–breeds have done to it. – Oh well… time to hit the internet, check the weather and such, and wait… – My chest is heavy this morning. I’ve had the last half of the remaining smoke. And my mood? Total shit. 12 hours in bed, probably about 7 or 8 hours’ sleep… and mood… total shit. Welcome to another day. And today is a holiday here. How spiffy-do. Fukkall. Really. – 12.24 And on the bed, having matzo. It was a rather delightful drive, or so it would have been had my eyes co-operated and the rest of my body as well. I took the “short-cut” to the Sheldon Shell station: The Hana road to the 78 to the Shawville rd and THERE I was! 15$ of the regular at 2,69/gal (fuktardz raise the price for the holiday) brought me just over half. THEN… up the Shawville to the 78 to the Hanna to the Durkeee to Barnum to Dandurand and… HOME! CIBC to change 10US to 11,95CAD (I’d calc’ed 12… but fukme anyway). I’m about 1$ short of 2 packs of smokes so I got one anyway. Ah… snap HOME, snap back too. Odd though… my head is moving in a combination of Frenglish today and it won’t stop. I wonder. – As I left, the “crowd” began to gather on the road. The “parade” this morning. As I got to the front door and noticed it open, I stepped out to see Bobo sitting there. “Leaving before the parade gets started?” says he. “That wasn’t my intention but YES! I’m outta here!” says I, and bolted for the car and away! When I came back into town, the road is lined with vehicles, they’re congregated up at the town hall for some festivity or another. And they’re all making me quite ill, on general principles. – I come into the house to find Jester at the sink, washing machine running, HLS in the parlour. Says to me: “I came to your door last night for a fire but you were sound asleep.” “Another 5:30 evening.” says I, and the matter was dropped until I mentioned Dickie Cooper who, I’m to understand, told some-one that if Dixie ever comes into his yard again, as she did last evening, he’ll shoot her! Well then… OK. Time to take care of MY flower-bed work here… Shooting? Well… maybe not that but there will be damages. (Come to find out, Dickie’s married to Darlene who is the cousin to HLS… this fucking town is truly making me ill beyond descriptives. So too… this state.) – Moving along at 12.36 and having my 2nd matzo and a tea… and finding it rather difficult to breathe and trying to think of something to do with the remainder of this day before it’s time to go back to sleep (which will be rather soon again I should think). I could just about go back to sleep even now. – 15.09 Had a bit of an “oops in the trousers” as I went out to the barn. Just a little one. But an “oops”, none-the-less. It was due, I suppose. – Anyway, just in from the “droozle” with m’Dixie. We potted 3 large “Jerusalem artichokes” for the “garden, and I cut-down a piece of asbestos shingle for the “Your dog shits, I shoot” sign which I am about to work on. Fuck these in-breeds! I put WORK into the flower-beds. And since Dickie Cooper finds it perfectly OK to threaten to shoot Dixie? Well then… watch ME. – But I’m SO SO SO FUCKING out of breath! Stomach is in a knot and the chest too. Ah… one of these days… Buh-bye time. Soon, I certainly hope. – 22.10 Up from last smoke. Showered. Had to. Worked cutting the asbestos shingle to make the “I’ll shoot your dog” sign for the front yard. AND… when I went out to the barn today, I thought I had a bout of gas only to find… nope… the little I’ve been eating is leaving me as darkest brown water. Well, indeed. – I was invited to partake in the “cooked out” this evening. I declined. Well, of course I did. Imagine, eating with that Jester-thing. No. Starvation is a better prospect. Besides, as it is this evening, I don’t much give a shit one way or another. – There was an e-mail from the EEO. They tried to contact me on Friday. “Unreachable” was the message they received. I’ll try to ring them tomorrow, from the barn. I’m at the end of all of this and will be composing the details to post to the general public. I doubt I’ve much more time anyway so why the hell not? Nice publicity… the United States Postal Service was instrumental in knocking the old shit off. And, well, after all… it’s true. Had I continued to work, all… and I do mean ALL, would have been well. I’ll never believe that all of that wasn’t carefully orchestrated including the lies and breech of contract and/or promise. Let them all go down in their own shit at this juncture. – The house is all in their respective beds. Jester is noshing, as I hear the rattle of crisps bag or something. I’m quite famished myself at the moment… matzot all day. – I got Dixie to eat her dinner though… moments ago. I’m glad for that. I have to kiss and shake and stand there whilst she eats. I wonder what she knows. And I’m thankful she can’t speak with the rest of them. – No word from Viv any further. Probably the therapist and the medications are telling her to distance herself. Ah… just as Marc did, so many years ago. Oh well… I’ve nothing left to leave behind at this point anyway. The book? Let it go. The art shop? To Hell with it. None of it will make any difference anyway. So let it all be. – That’s the thoughts for this rainy night now. The car? Oh well… junk, scrap, or maybe eve return to Kevin… although, it will be most instrumental when MY day comes… and it’s coming quite along at this point. – I’d wanted to shower at about 20.00 but Jester commandeered the loo, as usual. So I took in 2 episodes of “Jeeves and Wooster” and sat in my shitty under-shorts until just recently. There’s a bit of washing to be done in the morning. I can only hope. But with HLS in the bed already… it doesn’t seem likely. Not first thing anyway. But at least I’m showered… at last. – Tea and another “Jeeves and Wooster” and then to sleep. – It would be a nice peace of heart and soul if I could let Mr. Stephen Fry know what a miracle it’s been, having found him and his works and story at a time when it meant so very much to me. Ah… indeed.

Tue.26.May: 8.59 Just waking. The “barn clothes” are in the washer. I’ve had a “tap” coffee and a smoke. And it’s quite hot this morning. Hot and humid and over-cast. And not eating yesterday, combined with the HORRID night last night, well, it’s taking a toll this morning. I could NOT get comfortable last night. SO tired, and in SO much PAIN! Couldn’t get the pillows high enough to sleep. Then couldn’t sleep on back or either side. It was MISERABLE! The pain is now from my teeth (left side of head) down into the hip. I wonder what the fuck is happening to me at this juncture. I mean, to go from chest up to the head and down to the hips? It’s interesting in its own right. – Had some sort of
DREAM about returning to work… at some retail place like a Lechter;s or Crate and Barrel. I was re-hired, with quite a bit of animosity. The fellow who was my “manager” was a combination of the one from Crate and Barrel and Harry from Zim, but very young. Schmulik was also “returning” to his job as well. We worked at some kind of mall, I was to work the retail floor an he, in some sort of machine shop associated with the store. On re-hire, the manager handed me a small card, like a gift-tag. “These are the things you already used when you worked here before.” he said. “Things?” I asked. “Things you’ve already taken advantage of.” I didn’t understand. I asked Schmulik and he was as vague as management. When I opened the card, there was a bit of a “list”, hand-written, in different penmanship for each item. There was something about a “holiday party”, a “picnic”, some kind of festivity… that sort of “thing” that I’d already “used”. I had no idea what the hell it was all about and decided to simply toss the whole notion aside. It was nothing that I’d participated in and nothing that I recalled. I thought “These are things that were available to me and I never attended but they’re taking them from me already. This is just typical bullshit.” but I decided to ignore the issue and move on. As I left from the “hiring interview”, I took the stairs to leave, due to report to work the next morning, and looked back down at the “store”. “Management” was all seated, across the entrance, in a semi-circular fashion, behind a beige granite half-wall, lounging, comfortably, looking rather smug, some of them, there were about 5 in all, were actually dozing! And the thought in my mind was “They’ll sit there all day, getting paid to be ‘management’ whilst I and my co-workers will be busting our arses all day. They’ll do nothing but greet customers and bark orders at the rest of us. But, it’s back to work anyway.” The whole dream took place in a closed mall, so it was always quite dark… dark.
This morning, as I had my smoke, a thought about the dream the other night:
The “No-where Zone”… Started out quite bright and cheerful, happy and rather fun. But then it went into darkness and rather strange. Not ‘hostile’ but strange. But the “No-where Zone”? Death? Could it have been a dream of death? Darkness. Un-known. The “No-where Zone”. Oh well. What-ever. There’s no telling about any of this until we get there… one could suppose.
Meanwhile, this morning, I need to get some of that paper-work together. I’ve got 5 days of POB service remaining. I have to change to “General Delivery” if anything at all, at least for the following 30 days. (9.17 and the sun is breaking through. I’m dreading this. The Heat Index for tomorrow is 30-something! And me, almost unable to breathe as it is.) I’ll have no mailing address soon. I’ve no phone service to speak of as it is. There’ll be no food. No income. No anything, really. Once again… at “nothing”. – A thought last night before sleep: Once again, when I was working and could provide all sorts of money to Cindy and her brood, I was quite the wonderful person to have around. All was delightful, la-dee-dah. But when I couldn’t dole out the cash, that’s when everything turned to utter shit and I was tossed away. The months when I was working, and Viv came down to fetch me, to help with packing and moving and such, and I could shop and buy and all, it was great to be together again. Now that I’m no working and can’t dole the cash… not even the time to send word on Skype. It’s been this way over the years… always the same. Yes, I’m resentful. No, I won’t “do” anything about it because there’s nothing to “do” about it, and saying anything will only lead to a row and a barrage of denial and umbrage on their (her) part. So? This is how it’s always been. I remember my last thought before I finally slammed into an exhausted sleep last night: Oma… “As long as you have money, the world eats; but when you have no more, the world starves.” Yes, indeed. And the “reward” for being kind and caring and compassionate and empathetic? Mama…. “Don’t do it for the ‘thanks’, there are no ‘thanks’.” – On with the day. Wash to be put into the dryer and I have to set this lap-top up in the back barn this morning, call the EEO and hope for a god connection via WiFi out there. It’s going to be a rather “interesting” sort of day… especially since I’m quite angry and don’t give a shit. I also want to get all of the pages of the e-mails together… and post them… probably on a “tmblr” blog. Nothing more, nothing less… just the documents. Let the rest of the world find them, read them, and see for themselves. There’s mention of this sort of shit happening to others, on the “Forum”. I gleaned last night. I’ll have to investigate a bit further. And, depending on what I learn today, I may (or may not) bring MY issue to the Forum… and a link to all of the documentation. Why the fuck should I give a fuck at this juncture? THEY don’t. And if my days are finally numbered? Fuck the world tootsie-wootsie. Maybe there IS a “Hell” and maybe that’s where my “soul” will be going… but it won’t be going alone. I’ve got 60 years of being “good”… fucked. Dianna (Olsen) shat on me and went toddling away. Steve and Tara shat on me, and went toddling away. Even Silas, with the “Order of Protection” shat on me and went toddling away. Bob, as I biked through rains and such, shat on me by talking about me at his job… and then calling ME a “dick” because I wouldn’t help further remove that metal… and goes toddling about… and these bitches at the USPS now. No… and when I think about it: ALL since I’ve come to this state! WHAT the actual FUCK? Eh? – Time to put the wash into the dryer and get this day in “Commencement”. – I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN THIS MORNING! But never mind that… shit to be done. – 20.34 There is ALMOST a window in the back barn! Too me MOST of the day just to get the out-side boards cut, what, with the old wood saw and that little “handie” saw (and most of the work had to be done with the little saw). Two layers of wood: the barn-siding and planks! I was hesitant, at first, but once I’d started, there was no stopping, lest I ruin the whole fucking barn. Oh well… I GOT THE FIRST PART CUT! AND I’M HAPPY/PROUD! – Tried to get in touch with EEO twice from the barn on the Gglevoice. The connections were shit today. I did manage to get through though and had to leave messages. This is the shit. But you know? It’s all I can do at this juncture. I keep thinking: once again, FUCKED by this FUCKING state! I need to get the actual fuck out of VT and back to NY where I belong. – IT WAS SO HOT AND HUMID TODAY! We’ve gone from the last snow only about 2 weeks ago into THIS! Shit! It’s as I said to HLS at one point when I came in (OH OH OH AND WAS ACTUALLY GIVEN A GLASS OF WATER! CE CE PEUT TU?): all those years in NY thinking “If it gets too hot, I can always go back North.” Nope. “North” has turned to fucking Florida! HOT AND HUMID! No escape any longer! DOOM! I say… DOOM! – But I had Dixie with me most of the later part of the day. She’s so sweet. She seems content just to be out of this house. (Who can blame her?) (I got her to eat her dinner, again, at the end of the day when I went for my last smoke, round about 23.00. She’s not eating well… We’re quite the pair in that respect.) – I was “cleaning up” round about the time when Bobo came from work. He saw the window, wasn’t too much impressed. I told him: If you ever use this as a work space, at least now you’ll be able to see with a bit more light. Fucktard simply grinned and went into the front barn got a little spade and, of all things, went down back to fetch HLS’s chives! Dug them up and managed to get them half the way to the house before having to take a rest. “They’re heavy! All wet and the dirt’s full of water.” Whine, whine, whine. Bloody stupid. But, I find “sanity” in thinking that HLS truly doesn’t know what the fuck comes out of the mouth most of the time any more. What, with sitting about the house all the fucking time, with that “Old North End” white trash faggot queen. Slipping into darkness. But to hear the whining from Bobo! “That’s a lot of work for an old, fat man!” I was SOOOO tempted to comment… I refrained. No sense wasting good insults. – I always think: I’m enjoying the experience of putting in the window, and tending to the property and all the rest of the things I like to do, things I’d never have been allowed to do by that shit-father I was cursed with, but the absence of any gratitude is rather stunning. Entitled, thankless white-trash shits, the lot of them. – Oh well… at least at this hour I am SHOWERED! – As I went to the shower, moments ago, thinking “I hope nothing is said about my daily showering because today, I WILL point out how THREE of my showers is about equivalent to ONE of Jester’s douches! But the KICK-ALL? Fagboy was whining about going to bed (at about 20.00) (which, no surprise here, was the hour at which Bobo went to bed… this shit is SO blatantly obvious that it’s repulsive!) because “I’m getting a head-ache… a migraine.” From WHAT? Sleeping most of the fucking day away and then sitting on your useless trash arse, in the parlour, diddling with your cell? HONESTLY! Stuff your fucking face, sit on your fucking arse, let the dogs out for moments AND let the shit ALL over the yard and don’t bother to pick it up? WOW! It makes one actualy WANT to fucking put the lights out… if there were any “lights” there at all… Only one word comes to mind: “USELESS”. Simply useless. – OK then, that said. No food today.. NONE! I’m just settling in for some “Jeeves and Wooster” and some matzot. That’s it for the day as far as “nourishment” is concerned. No food and probably none to come. Matzot and peppermint tea. – I knocked the Skype off the “task bar” today. Can’t help but think: It’s all the same as was with Ms. Mack… as long as I sent the cash, all was well and I was all “in”. But as soon as I can’t afford to dole out the dough, I’m useless. I was good enough to help with the packing and moving of boxes. I was good enough to help with the beginning of settling-in. I was good enough to have about when I could drop 400$ over a couple of days. But now that I’ve nothing, I’m no longer worth the log-in and a type-type on the key-board. AND… because I’ve admitted to not feeling well? WELL! So much for THIS SHIT! Truth is: I don’t give a fuck anymore. I just don’t. I can find SO many ways to fill my waking hours… for as long as I’m cursed with them. So… piss-off, sod-off, bugger-off, fuck-off! Toodle-pip. – As for the “health” report du jour: the lung is feeling a bit better this evening! I wonder, I do, if it isn’t all some kind of “fluid round the heart” or “fluid on the lung” and I managed to sweat the “fluid” out? It’s still very terribly sore, and there’s still the pain in the lower back now, but over-all, it’s what one might call… “improved”. It’s… a… myst’ry. – Speaking of which… “Jeeves and Wooster” and to (hopefully) sleep. There’s a window to complete in the morning. Forecast is for something above 30° and humid! Alas…

Wed.27.May: 9.13 and I’m dressed for the barn (and stinking of yesterday’s sweat, I might add). Hazy sun-shine and… AND… 90-FUCKING-DEGREES AND THAT IS WHAT THE “F” IS FOR THIS MORNING! 9am and 90°F(uck)! It’s going to be ONE HELL of a day! And there’s a window to be finished. Additionally: Not feeling all too “all too” in light of having 3 matzot to eat all day yesterday. Oh well… Working my way “out of here”. – Oh… didn’t get to sleep until just past mid-night last night. Couldn’t get comfortable again. It was already hot and I was OK with the lung until I laid down. But pondering the installation of the window helped to distract. – 10.30 Time t0 get running. HORRID storms in the threats today. (I worry about the car now. Fuck.) – 18.18 back in – 20.02 No sooner had I finished my shower just now when, dried and ready to put on sport-pants for bed… FUCKING SHITS! TROTS! WATER-RUNS! FUCK ME! REALLY! – I’m finally in bed now, being accosted by the whining of the fagboy across the hall. NO MOOD this evening! NO MOOD AT ALL! – I see from earlier that I left the house at 10.30… and didn’t return until the back barn got cleaned again… at 18.18. EIGHT HOURS! WELL! BUT… THERE’S A WINDOW IN THE BARN!!! AT LONG, LONG LAST, THERE’S A WINDOW IN THE BACK BARN!!! 16-plus hours of work, but there’s a window in the back barn. HURRAH! I DID IT! Pain the arse too. – I cheated, I suppose, by using the circular saw to start the openings to cut through the inner slats. There was no way I could get that started this morning. I just didn’t have the strength (gee, I wonder why… 3 matzot all day yesterday). And that didn’t help much because all it would do is cut directly into the wood. So it made only a “starter” for the saw to fit into. BUT… determination and time… and ignoring the fucking heat and humidity and VOILA! A HOLE IN THE WALL! Day-light (or what there was of it) came POURING into the space… probably for the very first time ever! I had to rush with the rest though because we had one HELL of a thunder storm as I was working along. But I managed to get the opening cut, the window screwed in, and after a LOT of trouble, trimmed with the garden stakes AND used 2 pieces of the old barn-siding to make little “shutters” on either side!!! SO TOO CUTE! Then… INSIDE… I had to put a 2×4 in the open space between inner and outer walls. I threw something together for looks only. Fuck these shits. Ingrates. Ungrateful. It serves the purpose. Then, PULLED DOWN ALL THE BROWN PAPER to reveal the wall. Not too bad… Not too great, but not too bad. Trimmed the inside of the window with the lattice Bobo cut out for their closet. Tossed a bit of the inner wall lumber in for a “sill” and… BINGO! DONE! – Cleaned up my mess, mowed the grass just outside the back barn for photos. WHEW! – I MUST SAY… IT LOOKS GREAT… considering… AND… at NO cost to the Whiners. CA ce peut TU? But it took ALL DAY. Still… I do suppose it was well worth it. Had I had electric tools, I could have done much better. But, for the price? (Including the labour which didn’t even cost them a “thank you”.) – But now, it’s miserably hot and I’m miserably miserable. – 6 smokes left and before I came in, I broke down and went next door: 2 Ramen at 59-cents EACH (may those thieves rot) and 2 of those little ice cream things (so I have the container I need to put on the last solar lite tomorrow). Had “creme” of chicken Ramen… only one, after the ice creams. (I wonder which of those gave me the shits!) – Meanwhile… THEY had franks and crisps… I was offered… nothing. – Karma… indeed. – So now, since I’ve done with all of “Jeeves and Wooster” on-line, I’ll have to find something else to drift away to. Hopefully tonight will be a “sleep” night. I’ve got the fan running. – 20.18 AND THAT FUCKING SHIT ACROSS THE HALL LETS OUT A SHRIEKING YIP! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! IF THERE’S NO OTHER WAY OUT OF THIS DUMP… FINE! TONIGHT OR TOMORROW I LOOK FOR THE BDMs AND GET THEM PACKED AND READY!!! I CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT! I CANNOT! BETWEEN THE YIPPING AND THE DOG SHIT ALL OVER THE YARD… THE FUCKING END! – 20.32 Last smoke with HLS and fagboy had to showerd this evening. Gee. I wonder why. There was a comment made about opening the window in that room. One can’t get to it! Slob. – And as I came in from the smoke: In it’s under shorts, it comes down, bare-foot, to apologise for being “bitchy at supper”. HLS simply said “I don’t pay any attention to that sort of thing anymore.” Really. I wonder what fagboy’s got to be bitchy about… Doing nothing? – And still no comments on the window. Thankless. Ah… Karma. – I’m posting today’s accomplishment on the fesses-book and trying for sleep. Enough of this shit for one day. – 22.16 Posted the window to the fesses-book. Will post to here as well before the end. – Just up from a smoke with HLS. It’s delightful out there tonight! I’m tempted to go sleep on the bench! This room is HOT though. I’d like to put the fan in the window but I don’t know about sudden storms. AND… a Houle just passed! – No word from Milton. No word from Viv (I checked… I’m posting nothing… Not important to her? Not important to me.) – I’m just thrilled about the window. I DID IT!

Thu.28.May: 9.19 I woke to the alarm and went right back to sleep until moments ago… coffee and a smoke moments go. It’s raining. Lightly. Raining. Discovered that Jester is out already, attending to health matters again. Oh, how terrible, to sit all day, doing nothing of any use to anyone or thing, but making certain to attend to health matters. Meanwhile, my lung feels as if there’s a nail in it, my head feels as if there’s a car parked on it, and the rest of my body feels as if there’s a power-drain attached. “Life”… an another day. – I’m plotting a day in the barn here. Why? Oh.. why not? I say. No sense sitting in this house. Indeed, there are things that require attending. But… I’ll get to them. Right now, I’m waiting to see what my bowels have in store. Particularly after last evening. There’s something a-churning in there. We shall see. – And 3 smokes left. A plot on how to get another pack, but… gas. The car. We shall see what the day brings. Indeed, we shall. – 9.44 fagboy’s back. I was in the loo and yipping hit. – Env.Cad. says the rains are gone by about 10.00. Great timing. Rains gone, fagboy back, me, off to the barn. – I’m tired right now. But, there’s a call to be made (hopefully the signal will reach the barn today) and that Old North End shit to be avoided. – I can’t help but feel for HLS: married to some shit who’d bring it’s “concubine” INTO the house… a house that truly doesn’t belong to it in the first place. But then again, as I think of it: Lonely, wanting companionship so badly, “MARRYING” somebody so soon after meeting over the Internet? Sometimes… and then again… Sometimes. – And this times… time for me to prep and bolt. I wonder how ’twill be… with the window in the barn today. Window.. yay… ME! – 17.02 Back in from a day of almost nothing done in the barn except… EXCEPT… HEARD FORM EEO! *** It would seem that the Sheldon office IS coming back open AND according to Ed, when I apply, the “roster” is all in approval of me returning! However… I’m still not being offered anything tangible. The time-frame is exactly as it was thought (by me in particular): Bimbo does her probation, gets bumped up and I get to “apply”. Well… we shall see. – It took a while to get a connection in the barn today and I had to sit on the floor to talk. But you know? It beats sitting in the house with the fagboy all ears. Fucking faggot. – Meanwhile, I cleaned… tidied, and other-wise made the place quite comfy. And yes, having the window in there DOES make quite the difference. – Also had a bit of 10z. Assisted at the end, but a bit anyway. In the barn. – That said, nothing much else with this day. It rained. It poured, It stopped. – As I was going back out with my package of matzot (part of today’s “meal”… with some of the watered-down cocktail sauce…. yummy yummy… right, sure), Bobo comes in from work, strips down and plops in the recliner… totally buck nekkid! I say nothing more on the matter save his remarks “I’m chaffed and sore and this feels better. And at least there are no women in the house and you (me), you’ve seen it all anyway.” Par for the house. – When Dixie and I just came back in, they were seated at table, stuffing their fat arses. – I’m having the last package of Ramen now. One smoke left. Will probably head HOME tomorrow for more. – Anyway… off for some “tele” on-line… I hope. – Early to bed tonight I think… and hopefully to sleep through until the “usual” 9h. Then… who the fuck gives a fuck? Another fucking day. – 20.53 Had my tea and my Internet. Going to finish the last half smoke now and then? Pray for sleep until at least 9.00 tomorrow morning! I’m SO FUCKING HUNGRY TOO! 3 matzot and a Ramen? Not quite enough. Oh well… nothing new here.

Fri.29.May:
HOME
8.16 I laid awake until what HAD to be after mid-night. It was “lights out” at 21.00 though. But, here we are on the next day, sunny and not too hot yet and a small list of things to do… and nothing can actually begin for about another hour. May all hold well for the while. – Friday… fuck another week. – 9.03 Wrapping shit up here in the house but though I must note last night’s DREAM:
Bright. Light (as opposed to the usual “night” darkness dreams). I was closing a post office with “Jen” who was (of all people) Desirée (desired? the job?) so that I could take it over. She (Jen/Desirée) was having trouble with a 1412 and the computer and such. Cindy (yes Shed-dick) was supposed to be there for all of this but failed to show and we couldn’t get a hold of her. J/D said it was because she left her office early and wasn’t available once she left. But, I helped, we got the work done and all went well…
There’s the DREAM
Now, it’s time to begin to get ready to get the fuck out of this hole… Not to mention the stench coming in through the door… A-FUCKING-GAIN! – OH… and the tootle-tootle-tinkle-tink-clangdy-dang-dang-whoo-whoo shit all night from across the bloody fucking hall!!!! – 9.42 off we go. (I could use a shower… or this house stinks like all Hell broke lose.) AWAY! – (Catch-up on Saturday morning) 21.56 In bed from since about 20.00 now, with “A Bit of Fry and Laurie” running. I’m STARVING!!! SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!! – As for the day? The morning was rather a bit of a bit of stuff. I was out the door round about 10.00 and stopped by the Fuklin PO to enquire about “General Delivery”. Seems that can only be used for about a week’s time now, and only if one is, as Lisa put it “Homeless or on a bike tour passing through town”. Ah hah! She then got on the phone and called the Highgate qunt to clarify! Ca ce peut tu? HAD to phone over there! Moron! Anyway, I let it all float by calmly, feigning that I asked because of a recent mention in conversation with a “camper”. And, after a chit and a chat… I was off… – HOME… across the border with a nod and the wonderful feeling of being HOME, alone again, because I no longer “feel” as if Viv is of any import there at this juncture. (As I continue to think: So long as I’m able to provide monetary assistance, I’m a delight; once my monetary support ceases, I’m of no use.) Anyway, I bopped right along and to the banque where, in English, imagine that, I put the last 10CAD (and other-wise) into the account, thanked the kind lady and bade all a good week-end. Trotted across to the Metro for a pack of smokes which, to my surprise, are 11-cents MORE than at the dép! Oh well. We live, we shop, we learn. Moments later, I was back in the car and rolling along, back to the VT border where again, zip-zing and across. – Maybe it was the weather… a truly beautiful morning, all told. Even the air was shit-free! AMAZING! – Drove through town and to Hannaford’s. I’d 3,45$ on the FS card: 4 packages of Ramen noodles and a box of sugar (for me and for the hummingbirds… I’m sharing with Nature, of course) and 16-cents remain on the card. Well then, it was off to the Sheldon PO. I was early enough to arrive before opening. Rachel was working there today! Gee! Hmmm… is Jen already GONE? EEO-Ed said the office was to come available in June. I wonder. But I didn’t stop to talk, since the office was dark, the door and window closed. Besides… I’ve nothing to say to any of them, lest I must anyway. I snatched what was in my box and left. – In the car came the news: the only piece of “mail” was from FS. They’ve been cut! No income. No food now! NOT that it surprises me at all. This is, after all, my “existence”, to be left with nothing… another “Survival Test” here. This is because of the “Employment Termination” paper that they didn’t receive. AH… well… I can handle and take care of that. And, on the drive back to the fucking pit, I decided to do what I can, considering I don’t plan on being about… “about” for any particular length of future. AND… that miserable bit of shit sitting there on Main St, sucking the financial life-blood out of the working-class, tax-paying citizen… including me!? Well! It’s time to give Karma a swift kick in the arse! I WORK FOR AND PAY FOR WHAT I’M NOT RECEIVING and that malignancy DOES NOT WORK FOR ANYTHING AT ALL… INCLUDING THE FREE RIDES, FREE MEDICAL, FREE FOOD AND FREE INCOME… not to mention the other amenities of the house. SO? Along the roads I rolled… averaging, today, 80km/h. Pretty good, I must say. –

back at house
completed employment paper
took dixie to Fkln po to post all
chamged hummie feeder
sap on old one
back to start mowing in heat and humidity
curtis came by didn’t finish lawn
I did the finish
came in about 16.30 miserable
showered
1 pack ramen for meal
sugar water after
browsing soc med
smoke and mint from back at about 20.00
–

Sat.30.May: 5.02 Awakened at 3.35 by the yipping whine from across the hall, hungry, painful, awaiting the on-set of the major emergency runs, I have to marvel at the presence of White Trash, Wiggers, as they are, in the world. My introduction to this state of Vermont, and the tiny so-called “city” of Burlington included a warning: “Dont’ go to The Old North End! There, it was said, was Burlington’s seedier side, the junkies, drunks, sloths and crime. It was also said “You, coming from New York, probably won’t find it at all difficult or dangerous though.” Well, the truth of the matter is, that now, some 4 years later, no, I don’t find it “dangerous”, but what I have learnt is that the lowness of the people there and the people from there is almost incredible. There is “scum”, there is “low-life”, there is “trash”, and there are “parasites”… The Old North End, from what I have, in the past 2 years alone, witnessed… brings an all-time, brand new low to the vermin levels of Creation. From what I have, in the past 2 years, witnessed, “The Old North End” is the cancer that sprouts from all cancers known to man-kind. They are an infestation of epidemic proportions, thriving on nothing but the life-blood they hungrily suck not only from each-other and one-another, but from as far-reaching as is possible. They are of no use other than self-serving, completely devoid of even trace elements of any ethics, concern, compassion and consideration of and/or for anything, alive or lifeless, other than self. I cannot say that they’re “evil” per se. “Evil” would imply some degree of intent, and the acknowledgement of its antithesis. No, they aren’t “evil”. They are simply that purulence, that festering puss that gnaws at the life-centres of ALL things, living and non-living. They devour the life-essence of everything around them, burying their mouths into the open wounds that they inflict, thrusting their lapping tongues deeper and deeper as they chew at human flesh and muscle, sucking and gulping copious amounts of what-ever life and life-force they can swallow. And they do so, like-wise, with their very surroundings; draining the remains of once quite charming houses, on once quite charming streets, wreaking havoc and causing the decay and demise of even the architecture that is, that was, the result of human toil, invested with the sweat of those who built, and were destroyed by the infestation of what is now little more than a colony of virus. And this, one cell of that very element, that virus, that parasitic malignancy, has been with-in too close proximity of me, for these 2 years. And I have borne witness to the truth, to the very incontrovertible fact of its intentional, self-serving, conscious efforts toward destruction and devastation, of its insatiable hunger and lust for the obliteration of any trace and all traces of any and everything even remotely associated with any “good”. Worse than this? The very notion that this virus, this malignancy, runs rampant and amok, even beyond the confines of The Old North End. This cell was intentionally carried from its epicentre, and brought, intentionally, out of its nuclear mass, and indeed, has, just as one cancer cell will, once given access to the blood-stream, metastasized. It is both quite amazing to witness, like the glowing mushroom cloud of a nuclear bomb, and repulsive, like the violent assault of hideous creatures, gnawing at the flesh of a living being, until ultimately, this parasite slowly, and painfully destroys its host… and moves on in search of another victim.
5.32 Good Saturday morning. Much can be done with this day, but I don’t know how much of that I can accomplish, all considered. I’ve extremely limited smokes, am well into my last jar of instant coffee, one pound of matzot, 3 packages of Ramen noodles, and a box of sugar. My bowels are rather churning, my left lung is pointedly painful this morning, and the house will be… well… 4 of us today. The winds are blust’ring heavily and strongly out-side this rather warmish morning. The skies are relatively dark with heavy clouds warning of the on-set of a potentially great storm at some point in time. Indeed, I have the back-barn to escape to. I wonder though, if it will come to that. Still, and mean-while, nothing keeps me from simply returning to under the covers for the day… but I’d probably only lay here, praying for sleep, with my mind reeling with thoughts of what I could be accomplishing instead. – Oh well… let’s just see how far we get… between now and 15 hours from now. – 5.55 time for a brief snooze, I should think. Catching up with yesterday, the wind continues to blast along. There’s been two flushes of the toilet recently… the “trash” hasn’t the class to close the loo door. And I’m “snoozy”. – 13.11 HOT!!! HUMID!!! MISERABLE!!! And at about 5.55 I went back to sleep… until almost 11.00! Fuck the day. Eh? But I got through all the papers that had accumulated. Old mail. Pay stubs. The etc. Not, mind, that it’s all filed properly. But it’s better than it was. – Feeling shitty. That’s the only way I can describe it. Stomach is all “off”, belching too frequently. Bowels feel “squishy”, as if there’s a major water blow-out waiting. Funny, I had a DREAM:
Cindy, John and I were in an old house. Rented, I believe. I didn’t like it too much but feigned liking the “Old House” ambiance. All the walls were freshly painted white. We were in a lower floor, in what was, apparently, a bed-room, on the back of the house. The back wall was semi-below ground. I noticed a rough texture to the outer wall in the room and went over to knock on it. It was “hollow”! When I looked from the side, I noticed water coming in from the ceiling, dripping down. Clear water. Then, I noticed water seeping through the paint AND that the wall was “bubbled”! There was a great quantity of water building behind the paint! The wall was about to BURST! I panicked! Yelling “Get out! Get out of the room! Get out of the house! NOW!” and as I yelled, the back wall bloated more, and the hall walls bloated! As if the entire down-stairs was about to BURST! John was up-stairs, mocking me, Cindy was on a double-sized bed, made with white linens. (I wonder why everything was “white”. Hmmm…) She hesitated, saying that I was over-reacting. But I SAW that the walls were about to literally BURST from all of the water behind them! As all of the walls began bloating, I became claustrophobic, difficult breathing, knowing of the disaster that was impending! But I tried to get through the hall and to the front of the house, toward the stairs, to warn everybody in the house… in spite of the presence of a door and window that led directly out the back of the house. The claustrophobia increased and woke me.
THIS DREAM COULD USE SOME WORK.
Right now, just in from my 3 smoke du jour, my stomach is cramping. I’ve just finished a tea. Listening to NPR. Feeling like I want to ‘do” something… but simply not having the stamina. Not a lack of ambition or energy… stamina. Drained. Maybe it’s the one Ramen all day yesterday with all the mowing? But at least my “gut” is going away again. Not that that makes any difference, one way or another. – I’ll have to go to the loo soon too, I fear. Water rush! – 19.46 I did nothing all day. And… I don’t give a shit. – Now, there’s a bit of a roll of distant thunder and I am on the bed, ready to call this day “gone”. Feeling sticky. Could use a nice shower. But I don’t dare. Oh, I did get to my nails. Feels so much better now. But that’s about it. I took Dixie out back for a while and all I managed was to sit in the shade with her for a bit. Oh well. Too much humidity anyway. – I must say that my lung is feeling a bit better… or I’m accustomed to the pain. Can’t tell which right now. – They went out for a while. Not even a mention. They just all got into the car and left. Not a prob, really. I’d have to sit in the back with that fag, had I gone along… and they went in the little car. Oh no! Whilst they were gone, I managed to Hoover the pile of grass from the floor and “paint” the door frame with sandalwood oil. It was necessary. And it’s working rather well, I must say. Lesson learnt from… The Shelter. – And so, another day passes. Tomorrow I wake with no money, 2 packages of Ramen… oh, I found little rolls in the freezer this evening.. had 6 with tonight’s Ramen. Healthy eating. Fuck me… 14 smokes and no mailing address. Fine. – I did find the lake in Sutton though. Might not be the easiest place to get to, but it’s HOME. – And now? A bit of browsing on the Internet and to sleep… I hope. It IS Saturday and there IS booze in the house. No telling. But there won’t be any “fire”. – OH! Chatted with Jackie this evening when she passed the house. She’s from Quebec! And speaks French! Ca ce peut tu? Once again… at my age, I finally get to a place where things are as I’d have liked them to be and… gotta go. Life… what a fuck-up. – 21.31 That’s all. All done. Sorted my “bookmarks” a bit. Browsed the bull-shit on the Soup Forum (arse-wipes… the lot). Off to try for sleep. I do believe the house is down for the night… oh well.. Thunder storms all round. Not now but before and more to come. Too bad. Sobriety. Fucking shits.

Sun.31May: 8.31 I was relatively OK this morning (just waking and up from a smoke) until I realised… JUNE! No work. No income. And this is the month I would have very much like to have been able to go HOME for the festivities. Nope. Not me! Oh no! Not ME! My lot in existence is to be fucked. And so, here we are: SNAFU. Yup. FU. AND… add to this, another month’s rent due, along with all the rest of the general shit. June. Oh well. Perhaps the 17th? Cut the shit short. Perhaps. Indeed. – I woke at 3.00 this morning, NEEDING to hit the loo! Painfully too. Like little shards of glass or metal in the bowels. Very little came of it when I went. And as I headed out the door of the room I heard B’s alarm. So today I understand why they, he and fagboy, were awake at 3.30 yesterday. Poor HLS… having to put up with that shit of being rudely awakened each morning by that alarm… only moments after having fallen asleep, no doubt. – The insensitivity is simply astonishing amongst “these people”. – Well then, I’m going to work more on the DeadArtist blog today. It’s raining. Nothing can be done in the great out-of-doors. And I’m rather in need of cleansing. But I’ll pay it no mind and get to… writing. – Sunday morning… first day of a new month… and… JUNE! Time to get things together and get the fuck out of this shit. – And haven’t heard a blip from Viv. But then again, I’m of no use, having no money. and not feeling at all well. So? So it goes. Indeed, so it goes. – I was pondering sending word to Sarah, via the soc.med. to clear things and matters up, just to give myself assurance that she doesn’t continue thinking I have any ill feelings toward her. Ill ponder that a bit more and see what decision I come to. – Meanwhile. there’s much to be done on the DeadArtist and that’s where I’m off to this morning. – 20.54 I’ve been working on DeadArtist ALL FUCKING DAY! And only got January 2008 cleaned! FUCK! Slow connections, slow WP server! Just slow! – AND… AND… AND… I couldn’t figure out why I was getting stats for 31 May all day? WELL DUH! That’s the date! I am SO FUCKED UP in the head! I truly need to clean the Journals, get all in order and get the fuck out of this World… SOON!!!!! – 1 pkg Ramen for dinner tonight again and a few matzot. Any wonder I’m losing my head here? And of course, they had lasagna. Oh well. Truth? I couldn’t eat with the fagboy sitting at table anyway. Better to starve to fucking death. – I’m on tomorrow’s smokes already here too. Not good. Tomorrow and Tuesday left. I’m fucked… as usual. – And it’s so cold in the room! 21° but chilled-damp. Heater on on the bed for tonight. Oh how strange… last night… the fan running, tonight… the heat. I don’t know. – (On Monday morning) It turned to be an interesting evening when at about 21.00 or so, I went down for what was to be the last halfie of the day and HLS was awake and ready to chat. We had a “smoke” on the back porch and got into chit-chat which, amazingly, went into coffee at 24.33! The usual talk of politics and skirting issues in the house and such. We talked Europe, Quebec, Vermont, and the sorts. And when, at about 1.30 Monday morning, we came up to sleep, the comment about enjoying being able to talk with some-one came again. Seems HLS is under the impression that “hubby” is the “typical male”, not wanting to talk much about things. Ah… “hubby” has no trouble chitting, chatting, and yammering with the Jester Fagboy. Ca ce peut tu? But I say nothing on that matter. – OH! ONE tid-bit here worth a mention: Earlier today, I brought Dixie out back when I went to check on the window on the barn and I noticed that the stick beside the “fire ring” had been moved AND… obviously somebody had been back there and went into the “garden”… the bricks had been kicked down at a corner… and never put back in their place. So there. Truly? Why bother? Eh? THEY didn’t work on the yard. NONE of THEM put any effort into anything. But… I put things back as they should be… for me, so that I can enjoy the way it looks. FTW… as ’tis said. – May is done. Now for the months of Depression.