Fri.1.March.2013: 11.56 Typing this morning is very difficult, at best. It’s SO COLD in here (51F) that my fingers are numb. But I will not use what little oil there is in the tank… not during the day. Surely, there are some bitter nights to come and I’ll not waste. – Feeling a little better than I did last night. It was HORRIBLE! I couldn’t get my brain to shut-down and for some reason, I was in a constant loop of editing something. The pages kept rolling in my mind no matter what I tried to do to stop it! At about 3.00 this morning, I woke, coughing fit, terrible, choking. I’d stuffed paper towel in my nostrils to catch the water running from them but then, I opened my eyes and it was nothing short of AMAZING!!! THE WATER THAT CAME POURING OUT OF MY EYES!!! I leaned over the edge of the cot and looked to the floor to actually drain. So much had come out that there was still a puddle of “tears” on the floor at 9.30 when I finally got up. I don’t know what the hell happened yesterday and last night, health-wise, but hey… maybe this is just a little something to take my health down a notch… one toke over the line… I can hope. – SHIT! It’s cold in here! – But as I type this, I’m feeling a bit better. Not as much coughing, eyes are clear and nose is… only the dripping that would be “normal” for the cold. So, we see where this goes. – Don’t have much interest in the house today. Silas said he’d be up at some point. Of course… he’s going to deliver the rent to Don today and talk with them about a 60-day notice to vacate. This is it. All done. Me? I’m just going through the machinations of a day, clearing my files off the computer. The moment is due… and with Silas? There’s no telling what the fuck will come of it all… I can’t be certain: he might just waltz in here, throw some things into his car and tell me that he’s out at the end of THIS month. Or, knowing the way he is and can be, he just might come in and tell me that he’s out as of today. He could drive up in a U-Haul at any moment. I’m just fed-up with it all and have no desire and no thoughts of taking any of it any further. Coming here, to this house, with somebody who can’t keep their own head together… it was all a mistake. One grand mistake. But at least the book got done… published. – 2 letters from DoL this morning. One has to do with the money DaysInn owes me. DoL spoke with Dianne, Dianne promised to send the cheque she owes me… she never did. Well of course. I take comfort in knowing that somebody else now knows who disrespectful she is. The 2nd: an interview coming next week… seems there’s another discrepancy in my Chomage. That figures… I’ll probably not receive any money next week. It would be my “life”. Alas… But I can’t think about that now. There’s too, too much to catch up on here this morning and as I say… it’s BITTER COLD in this house! – 15.06 For a while, a reprieve from the coldness of this house… a chance to talk with and see MOTEK! For a while, the World was, once again, a delight. – When our talk had finished, I noticed Silas on “Skype” and sent an opening greeting. No response. No reply. No acknowledgement. How easy it is for him to simple discard. Noted… and never to be forgotten. – (2.Mar) The day passed… I’m trying to clean the computer out. There are so many files on it that I don’t want to “leave behind”. I don’t know where I’ll take them, I have no idea where the hell I’ll be in… well… when-ever Silas comes to take this away. But I don’t want to leave my files… I don’t want them to “go” anywhere but with me… no matter where that might be. – Decided to see how many prose essays I have on-line and to compile them, maybe to put them into a book and… well… why not? But the errors that have been posted! I remember typing them, lightening speed, just to get them off paper and to put them some-where where they’ll be relatively preserved. But the errors! There’ll be a bit of editing to be done. But… – Then, round about “lunch” break time, a WONDERFUL video-call with MOTEK! Kriste! He’s looking very well these days. It really is amazing. We talked about the book. He said “It’s difficult subject matter to get involved with, but once I started reading it, I didn’t want to put it down, I just wanted to keep reading.” WHAT A COMPLIMENT! And he’s promoting it, in NYC, on his FB page and such. He believes it’s a perfect “guide” to social workers and psychologists and the likes. Well… I was hoping that would be the case. But he says others really should read it as well. WELL!!! – He still wants me to do his web-site! I wish I could remember all that I once knew about coding! My brain is so rotted, mostly from the events here, in Vermont. Seems the stress, the Shelter, coming here, the shit I’ve put up with since… little by little… the brain is just rotting from it all. But I’ll certainly try. I owe him that much. – Then came the video call with Silas… He’s suffering terribly with his sinuses and his Mum gave him a vicotin… Blew him right out of the water, so to speak! He looked HORRIBLE! Ever so pale! He’s resigned from the P.O., last day will be this coming Monday. The beginning of the end here. Oh well… I need to face the fact: I got my “dream”… the book is done… CHECK-OUT time. And so says Silas, he wants to come up and take me to “dinner in Sutton” on Monday. First: I doubt there’ll be anything open for “dinner” on Monday. Second, I don’t want to be taken to dinner anywhere, at all. Third, I certainly don’t want to be “taken to dinner” and have it thrown back in my face… which I know will happen. But, I said nothing. Today I am “dinner company”… tomorrow I will be the worst thing that could have ever happened to him. And I’m tired of it all. – Tonight came quickly. Suddenly it was 20.00 and Motek was on Twitter! We had a couple of “interactions”. It some-how got back into the past… something I wasn’t planning on… and then? POUF! The end of those. – Mark H. got on my last nerve though… and I do mean “last”. This bullshit of always referring to the Homeless as “our friends” and “my homeless friends”. He hit the end of an extremely raw nerve and I lashed out. I don’t care anymore about hurting feelings. And sure enough, it was total disregard for my point and all about Mark and his ice cream truck for his “homeless friends”. Nope. He came at me, I went back at him. I tried to “make nice”. I don’t hate him and I know he’s doing the best he thinks he can. But he kept coming at me about the “friends” issue and, well… No more following his escapades. I just couldn’t and can’t take any more of that shit. I will NEVER understand how companies can donate “socks” and shit like that, but won’t do anything to improve the over-all situation and conditions… let’s say: a “foundation” or making funds and means available so that the Working Homeless have a resource other than their own instincts. I ask for too much and too many prefer to just sit in their easy chairs and pontificate. Nope. Tonight my patience went completely dry. – At 24.00, I was in a rage… Before I did anything too drastic… I dragged my soon-to-be-Homeless-again arse up the dark and cold stairs…

HOW IT ALL COMES RUSHING BACK: WALKING THE MILES OF SHONGUM, ALONE, DAY AND NIGHT… ALONE. HOW IT ALL COMES RUSHING BACK. After the dream of falling and calling your name out... HOW IT ALL COMES RUSHING BACK.
I said “Take this child Lord, from Cornwall on the Hudson,
Give him the wings to fly through harmony and he won’t bother you no more.”

Sat.2.Mar: 7.27 How depressing… the 20th is actually the first day of Spring. Depressing…. in SO many ways. – But the first thought of this morning: 1 May… in the words of Paul Simon… enweeah HOMEless, homeless, moon-light sleeping on a mid-night lake… – Another dreary day… – I find I’m always so tired, no matter how much sleep I get. Woke again this morning… no alarm. But it doesn’t take 10 minutes and I’m fatigued again, and ready to sleep. Personally, I think it has to do with hypothermia. 10C degrees, I suppose, just isn’t a “healthy” temperature over an extended period of time. But I don’t know how much oil is left, there won’t be another delivery… especially since I won’t be here but another 2 months. Actually, that last delivery has held rather well. Just over a month now. But it’s been miserable. And I’ve managed through it… alone… nobody knows… not even when I write about it. Can’t help but think: Freeze all through the Winter and when the time comes where I should be able to enjoy this house… GONE! ZAP! POUF! NOTHING! Oh well… moon-light sleeping on a mid-night lake… – 11.09 A certified letter? Sender’s name “Vermont”? Origin “Essex Jct”? Not sure. Uncertain. But very ill… – 18.36 Have been working on Schmulik’s web-site for a while now. But… all day, I’ve been SO BITTERLY COLD! Just can’t seem to get warm any more! So I put the thermo up to 60F… and every time the heat kicks in, my stomach turns and goes quite sour… in fear of running out of heating oil. It’s not that I care any more about the damned boiler, nor do I care how much oil is left in the tank when I leave here. It’s just that I can’t get my core body temperature up to where I can even think at this point and if the oil runs out… well… ALL of my concerns will be solved… I’ll just lie down some-where, doze off and die of hypothermia! The more I ponder that, the better it seems. (Or, perhaps hypothermia has already begun and this is why I’m thinking this way… I can’t be certain.) – (Sun) Had QUITE THE FRIGHT tonight… First of all, the PayPal account is useless… they insist upon having some kind of banque-card associated with it! Well… there goes that shit. I was going to try for a web-site for the book, but maybe it’s for the best that I don’t. After all… at the rate things are going, (a) I doubt I’ll be around long enough to make it worth the effort and investment and (b) it’s probably better that I don’t have too much exposure… I don’t want to be bothered with sibs and shit following me. – OK. That said, comes the FRIGHT! Now, I blame it (and almost all of what’s been happening to me lately) on hypothermia. But, as I tried to get some documentation together to TRY for the PayPal shit… I COULDN’T FIND MY PASSPORT OR THE PAPERS I NEED TO GET HOME! I couldn’t remember where I’d put them and suddenly I thought: THE JACKET POCKET! I’d washed the jacket! and I was SO afraid that I’d washed the papers and such with it! It made me SO SICK! Honestly? I was completely ready and at peace with the notion of just getting me together and heading HOME tonight. It won’t take much anymore and tonight I saw just how little it will take. I was calm and prepping when… I found it all, right on the “desk”. SO… everything else got put aside and I straightened the desk… even calculated the days, backwards, until the end of April (the day the Homelessness returns… but not really because… I’ll be “HOME” one way or another… period). – Well, I submitted my paper-work to PayPal anyway, just for the fux sake. – As for the rest of the night? Pretty not-so-good. The one “meal” of the day consisted of the 2 eggs that were left and a bowl of lentil soup. By the time I actually got to “eat”, it was already almost 21.30! So… a bit of “QI”, shove the “food” down my gullet and that was that. – A bit of time on Twtr… a rather “quiet” night of that. BUT… for some reason I got back into a “Groucho Marx” mood and OH SHIT DID I EVER LAUGH! Sitting here alone, have frozen, laughing to the point of tears! I suppose it does some good. I just wish I could really “laugh and enjoy the laughter” again. But I don’t ever see that happening. – End the day? One more episode of “QI” and… it must have been about 1.00 when I went up-stairs. – The snow had begun… again, and I was SO chilled, through to the marrow… I just can’t take much more of this. Just can’t… and won’t. Nobody has even the slightest idea what it’s like to be awake all day, trying to “think”, trying to concentrate. I’m even having major troubles with Schmulik’s web-site design… and it’s the very basic, stupid, simple shit! Nothing is in my head anymore these days… nothing… just a lot of emptiness and darkness.

Sun.3.Mar: 9.02 It’s 10C in here this morning. And, amazingly… it’s snowing. It started last night and has been ever so lightly falling all through. Not much accumulation. But… there you have it. – Coffee is on the stove. I’ve pulled the bottle returns together. The house needs a bit of a dusting. But I’m not too terribly concerned. Just in a sour mood again this morning. This shit with HISC suddenly claiming that I “quit” after all these months is truly pissing me right the fuck off. Oh well… I suppose this means no income this week. Chomage will probably with-hold until Thursday when I’m scheduled to have to DEFEND MYSELF ONCE AGAIN IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN SHIT MOUND THEY CALL “VERMONT”! Honestly… to think I came here for a “life”! LIFE? It’s been one assault after another! – Well… on with the day. I promised Schmulik some web-pages… I need to focus on those. – 12.17 So far this morning… Chomage is filed (for all the fuckinggood that’s going to do this week!). I cleaned more of my files off the computer. It’s goddam COLD in here again! I put the thermo up to about 15C but that’s just not keeping my fingers warm nor my body. – Sorted through the returnable bottles and such. Not a hell of a lot, but it’s something. And caught-up with this Journal. Why catch-up with the journal? Don’t know, really. But… – Oh… and the book is not doing even close to what I’d rather hoped. I just don’t get that at all.

Mon.4.Mar: 9.34 More snow and a cold house again this morning. I didn’t bother to get up with this morning’s alarm. – Silas said he’d be up today, we’d go to Sutton for “dinner”. I don’t know if that is or is not going to happen. As it was, we were both on-line until rather late last night, but for some reason, he doesn’t communicate. There’s nothing more to say on that matter in particular. – The house is rather a mess. I don’t care anymore. Truly. Why bother? Not mine. Being taken. So what? – I’ve much to do today… errands and must get on with Schmulik’s web-site. I managed to get the 30-day trial of Homesite back and am rather thrilled about that. But it bothers me terribly that there is so much that I’ve actually forgotten when it comes to web design. I used to be quite wonderful at it. Of course, I used to have an extensive library of scripts as well… Then too, I used to be 30 years old. – This morning, I suppose as it is with many other mornings, but this morning in particular, I wonder why these times of late are so debilitating. Matters that used to simply “get me” seem to really ruin me… mentally and psychologically. Oh well. – Just looking out the window at the snow accumulated in the drive. I haven’t bothered to clear any snow in about a week, maybe more. There’s a bit of me that feels I should… there’s the larger part of me that tells me it’s not my responsibility… and then there’s the largest part of me that simply doesn’t care. – It’s bothering me something terrible that the book hasn’t had much interest. All these people on the social media who claim to be SO concerned about and interested in the Homeless… that too is depressing me. They truly don’t care. Nancy got the FIRST copy! I wish it was in paper, but I’m actually very much thrilled that SHE got the FIRST! She’s been here (there?) through so much of my current life, and even took interest in the past (from the DA blog). It’s as if there’s no “catching-up”… And she was there through so much of the story of the book. I am very happy that she got it the moment it was complete. – Schmulik got the second copy. I wonder what he thinks as he reads it. He said it was difficult to begin because of the subject. He wouldn’t have much interest in Homelessness I suppose. But then he said “I can’t stop reading. I just want to see where it goes all the time.” Well… there are reasons for his interest. It’s a comfort to know that he still “cares”, or, as he puts it… “more love than I should”. – But I simply don’t understand the rest… it truly isn’t about the monetary part. I take it too much to heart that not only do they not care about me and my effort to DO something positive, but they don’t care about the Homeless in general… and then come the moments when it strikes me the hardest… THEY don’t give a shit about the OTHERS in the book! The reality is: they don’t know the guys, know nothing of or about them, so they wouldn’t have an interest. But that doesn’t make it easier for me to comprehend. I remember those guys by name, sight, voice. They were sweet, kind, human… and the world doesn’t give a shit… It’s as if they don’t want to know. And that bothers me the most. – Oh, and then there’s Silas… who has, for as long as I’ve known him, been oh so ready, right there, to slap me about in his own manner. That bit about “You were almost arrested for beating Tara, but you said you didn’t. I don’t know that you didn’t. You might have and are just saying you didn’t.” And then to follow that up with an actual “Order of Protection” against me! Especially at the time when I was still going through the courts against the charges of embezzlement! I’d opened the original blog to him and he didn’t bother to even glean that. Easier to formulate opinions based on nothing but personal issues and then to condemn… and then make matters worse with his own contributions to the “dark issues”. I can’t help but wonder what things he said to his mother to make her… well… as he put it “… she doesn’t like you at all.” This was the very same woman who saw me, in her home, working with Silas to make his CV, write cover letters, travel with him to submit applications, and all the rest. This was the woman who joined her “S.O.” in thanking me for “taking on our boy”. Then, as things got better for “our boy”… I became shit! I wonder… there must be terrible things that have been said about me… against me… and all the while, not even a moment’s time to SEE where the hell I’ve come from. – It’s not better than being here, in this State, where, not only do I not have a “history” but nobody cares to ask, to look, to learn. And now? Now comes the book… the story… the facts… jorunalled as they happened. Not just MY story, but the stories of others who have been through Hell… and managed, for the most part, to remain Compassionate Human-beings… and nobody gives a shit. I don’t know… Maybe it’s because Ii watched Mum, even in her misery and Hell and torment and torture, getting up and going out there to DO for SO many others. And even my Oma!!! One night she’d have to crawl on all 4’s to get up the stairs to bed, only only the following morning to drag her-self to get dressed and into the car because “Mrs. So-and-so wants to go to church this morning, and Mrs. So-and-so has to get to the market and can’t…” Opa, sponsoring sports teams for the kids, buying gifts, anonymously, so that kids in town had a gift for a holiday or some special occasion. Always some kind of “blind faith” in others… and to what end? Really. They weren’t “Saints” and they certainly weren’t “Martyrs”. Just really kind and caring people. I remember Mum saying “If you see something that needs to be done and you can do it… do it… and move along. It’s not about ‘thanks’ because in life there are no ‘thanks’ and that’s not the point. We’re all here, all of us, in this life, alone, together. And if we can’t help each-other out, we’re really lost.” She knew… KNEW what she was saying. And today, I know too. – But that doesn’t make it any easier. It just makes me… well… not even angry… it’s depressing. – I shouldn’t let it get to me. I shouldn’t dedicate so much time to it. There are other things that I should do, other matters that actually need my attention. But this morning, I just need to pour it all out… some-where, get it out of me… and there’s nobody here to hear it, nobody here to listen. – The last thought I had before getting to sleep last night was one of the very first thoughts I had when I woke up this morning: How funny, on so many levels, that Nancy told me, last night: “Things will get different.” To have my own words given back to me… and I can’t argue. It’s true, things WILL get “different”. From one moment to the next… even as I type this all out… things are “different”. “Better”? No. Not really. But “different”, indeed. – Well, time to get this day together, get along to… what-ever. I should shower (though I’m not certain about why). There are dishes in the sink that need to be washed… just because they should be. The kitchen needs a bit of a wipe-up. And I have errands to do. Things… will be “different”. – One note: The congestion that started before that bout of what-ever it was the other day seems to just be getting quite worse. All sorts of shit gathering in the chest. Morning, night. Coming from “that background” and “experience” and studies and all… wouldn’t it be just a piss if it’s the on-set of CA? There are so many symptoms that are simply just “classic” (and I ought to know), “straight from the books”. Well… one thing I WILL say: I will NOT be spending even a “nano-second” in ANY sort of “hospital”, “hospice” or ANY of that shit! Fuck ME! if I’ll lay there, allowing anybody the opportunity to gather about, glaring, and doing all that “Oh! It’s terrible too see you like this.” and “I wish there was something I could do to make it better and easier and more comfortable for you.” and “You don’t deserve this.” They didn’t bother to ask… they didn’t bother to hear… they didn’t bother to listen… “and when I’m gone… and when I’m dead, dead and gone… there’ll be… one child born in our world to carry on, to carry on…”

I’m not scared of dying, And I don’t really care. If it’s peace you find in dying, Well then let the time be near. If it’s peace you find in dying, And if dying time is here, Just bundle up my coffin ‘Cause it’s cold way down there. I hear that it’s cold way down their. Yeah, crazy cold way down there. And when I die, and when I’m gone, There’ll be one child born In this world to carry on, to carry on. Now troubles are many, they’re as deep as a well. I can swear there ain’t no heaven but I pray there ain’t no hell. Swear there ain’t no heaven and I pray there ain’t no hell, But I’ll never know by living, only my dying will tell. Yes only my dying will tell. Yeah, only my dying will tell. And when I die, and when I’m gone, There’ll be one child born In this world to carry on, to carry on.

Give me my freedom for as long as I be. All I ask of living is to have no chains on me. All I ask of living is to have no chains on me, And all I ask of dying is to go naturally. Oh I want to go naturally. Here I go, Hey Hey! Here comes the devil, Right behind. Look out children, Here he comes! Here he comes! Hey…! Don’t want to go by the devil. Don’t want to go by demon. Don’t want to go by Satan, Don’t want to die uneasy… Just let me go naturally. And when I die… When I’m dead, dead and gone… There’ll be one child born… in our world to carry on, to carry on. Yeah yeah. Blood, Sweat & Tears

19.11 The day: Got out of the house and into the snow after a well-deserved shower that wasn’t exactly “comfy” considering the temperature of the house (cold). Still, things got accomplished like paying the storage bill (which is just completely insane, considering…) and receiving the “Certified” letter of Saturday. Well! That was interesting… After waiting 7 months, I finally received the pay I was due from Days Inn… along with the tax forms I need to file this year (and the final year… may the Fed go look else-where for their ATM/scapegoat). The letter from DoL was almost cute in that it advised that I should cash the cheque quickly as it’s dated 17 Feb! Well, the cheque wasn’t for the full amount, but I think taxes may have been taken from it and that’s what I received… Not bad. Chances are I won’t be getting Chomage this week, so there’s a bit of something in the house. – Came back, got to work on Schmulik’s web-site… there’s SO much I have to re-learn! Ah… but the basics are still there. – At one point, I took a bit of a break and finished the cold cereal. The bad thing? As I sat in the chair with a programme on the computer, I half-dozed. I’ve been doing that A LOT in recent weeks… but the truly odd part of it is: I’m still hearing the programme on the computer (QI with Stephen Fry… I’ll miss that terribly), still aware of the fact that it’s on, can hear every word but nothing actually registers anywhere in my mind AND I’m aware of the fact that I’m dozing and CANNOT wake up! Even when I consciously try to wake up, I just can’t. Eyes won’t open, the body won’t move… I just lay there… “recline” as it were… in a state of almost paralysis! It takes SO much energy to simply open my eyes when this happens. And, it’s been happening almost regularly of late. A bit un-nerving. – After break, back to the site designing until about 18.00 when I figured I really should eat something so I slapped a couple cheap cube steaks and 2 eggs into a pan. “Dinner”. I was watching another episode of “QI” when a message came up on Skype:

Almost all day, I’ve had Skype open… almost all day, Silas has been on as well. But as the day draws to and end and I’m tying to actually eat something, this message comes through… and just so “mater of fact”. I replied only about the work on the web-site and… silence followed. Meanwhile… “dinner” got brought back up and flushed down the loo. – For now, I have to get the site done for Schmulik. Once that’s done… it’s ALL done. Now more promises to keep. And I will NOT be in this house when Silas comes to start his “moving out”.

Tue.5.Mar: It’s 1.26 already! What a night it turned into last night (to this morning)! A few simple comments shared about how to promote the book, and one thing led to another and the next thing I know I’m back on LinkedIn, and all sorts of Literary and Author sites and… I had to convert the Foreword into PDF and it just went on and on! I did take time for a quick dinner of steak and eggs. But that was about all. The kitchen is a mess. The house is… the house. And to be honest and truthful? I don’t give a flying shit! I’m re-learning how to code the web-site, re-learning Homesite software (which I will miss terribly when it’s gone… but at this rate, I’ll be gone just about the same time so…). But it’s actually been a LOT of FUN! (The coding bits.) OK. Joining the world of “Authors” has been too. This is so much like the beginning of my “Artist” thing when I couldn’t actually call myself and “Artist” but nobody else had that trouble. And, I suppose it is true: I AM a “Published Author” now. My main concern is that the “sibs” will track me down and start to contact me. And at my age and present condition, it won’t be at all “civil” if they (or Liz too for that matter) do. I want NOTHING to do with ANY of them! They were no-where to be found over these years when things “started” to get tough. But NOT having them around makes it easier to handle. They did nothing but annoy and piss me off and… well… the book wouldn’t have been written if not for them and their apathy and lies and back-stabbing. Still, I have no more patience for any more of that. God and the rest of Creation knows I have MORE than I can handle of all that shit right here, right now. – It’s time for a bit of pie and another episode of “QI” and then upstairs to my chamber in the attic. Fuck the day tomorrow. I’ll wake when I do, get my taxes done and the hell out of here (not that I’ll be getting a refund… again this year… 25 years… It’s been 25 years of the Feds taking my refunds… Shit! They won’t be getting anything next year. I’m guaranteeing that right here and now!) And then? Working on the web-site and praying that Silas doesn’t decide to drop by… I have no patience for him either. Good thing I’m in this house alone these days. My nerves are completely ruined, my patience is completely gone, my brain is so scrambled it’s just mush and my insides are…well… they certainly are. – REST TIME! – 15.10 already. Another day has gone by… and since I’m on a count-down, too quickly. Only another 55 days to go to …. who-the-fuck-cares-really. – BUT!!! Taxes are done, the forms are in the post and I don’t get to see yet another refund again this year… year 25. This year, more than before, that money would come in quite handy… could have been the difference between toddling off into the ne’er-to-return or maybe just some little place where I just might have been able to get on my feet, write another book, do more art, or… who knows? Not happening. Not counting on it. The paper-work is done, my “obligation” is fulfilled. And it always amazes: the final “taxable” amount total is 4 digits to the left of the decimal, yet, there’s still tax due. Thankfully, the tax taken was considerably more than the tax due. So, the US government gets even more this year, to piss off on some bunch of disrespectful and insolent scofflaws and the temperature in this house is about 50F. I just don’t give a shit. – Got some empties back to the store today. 42! A bit of “income”… though I shouldn’t put that on a Journal… the Fed will be knocking on the door in a moment to collect the tax on that as well. And I put the cheque from Days Inn into the account (and immediately snatched it right the fuck back out with the very next transaction… and will, ASAP, make sure that the money leaves the US whilst it still retains any kind of value). – i wish i could concentrate long enough to come up with something satisfactory (mostly to me) for Schmulik’s web-site. No matter what I do, nothing seems “right”. All I’d really like to do most of the time is sit, watch something “Stephen Fry” and see how close to the bottom of a large vodka bottle I can get myself. (I woke this morning thinking “vodka” instead of coffee… then vodka AND coffee and then perhaps just putting the instant coffee into a glass of vodka. Not good… it’s coming to this. Then, oddly enough, as I stood in the kitchen, having just awakened, I thought I just could and should kick back the BDM and see how far I could get back HOME. I’ll never know why I didn’t. – And, as a closing thought: Ms. Hil’s been gone for about 2 weeks now. The drive hasn’t been cleared (I don’t care). And there’s no sign of Mr. Sil. – And so, off to the web-works. I have to get that done before… – 21.30 Working on Motek’s web-site is becoming more intriguing with every single moment! The flood of memories… of coding, tags and all that is just fascinating. I got into it this afternoon and the only thing that pulled me away was a pain in the lower back from all the concentrating and such. But I’m LUVIN’ every moment! – One tiny prob… the only thing I’ve managed to find time to eat all day was 4 hard-boiled eggs. Oh well… – Note: SB hasn’t been on-line all day! Either that, or he HAS been and just chose to block his “visibility”. For most of the day I’ve been half expecting him to come through the door… with “something” or another. But… the only one who actually DID return was Ms. Hil. Jolly-jolly. Now I’m just waiting for some scathing e-mail or memo or something about her complaints about something round the house that will be attributed to some kind of something I’ve done (or not). Oh well… oh well… I just don’t give a shit. – Other-wise… perhaps tomorrow morning I’ll put me together and head HOME for the day! Weather looks to be OK for a stroll. It would be really nice. I have a lot of work to get done here, I should be looking into someplace to “go” to in about 50-days’ time (but truthfully, I already know where I’ll be when the time comes… exactly). I DO want to get more accomplished on the web-site, especially since all the memories of “how” and “what” are coming back. But there are other reasons to go HOME as well… and the sooner the better. We shall see. – Oh! The Bookuzzr DID place the “memo” on Twtr tonight! And Motek made a rather interesting comment: “compassion may come after reading all of it by now just a better understanding”. Makes me wonder what he’s “understanding”. Oh well.. again. – But for now, I’m actually about ready to head to the cot for the night. Hopefully Ms. Hil will behave. I hear her thumping about up there even as I type. But GOD FORBID I SHOULD EVER MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEHAVIOUR TO ANYONE! I mean, after all… it’s generally known that I’m the nastybastard with the miserable attitude; the “shirker” and such. (But the drive never got cleared… fuckemall.) – So, the taxes are out, the storage is paid, most of the empty bottles were returned, the kitchen is actually clean for a change and work is coming right along on the web-site. A good day, I should think. So on that? – I’m thankful for Nancy being in my “life” these days… and all the days before these. I’m thankful that Motek is back in my “life”. It was a rather OK day, all told. Let’s hope that nothing comes along… later in the night… to truly fuck it up (I can’t help but think that Don and Connie got Silas’ letter, rang him and invited him up for a chat and that he’s actually in town… but… as usual… avoiding coming to the house. No bother. There isn’t all that much oil in the tank – I should go check one of these days – and the thermo’s set down at 50F. He’d be SO uncomfortable in here, should he actually come to spend any time.) Which reminds me as well: By keeping this part of the house so cold, I’m sure it makes Ms. Hil’s bit that much colder as well. So! HAH! I am NOT paying an oil bill to keep HER place warm! I can leave this place knowing damned-well that I’ve done far and beyond what could have been expected. Fucking shame I’ve stopped and just don’t give a shit.) – OK… the end of the day. – (OOPS! One more thing: I just happened to notice that I’d put pages on this Journal only up the end of MAY! Imagine that! I KNEW even back then!)

Wed.6.Mar: 17.48 And so… many pages of coding and many images and several pages of text are up-loaded to Schmulik’s server. The preliminary site is “LIVE” as of this moment. I am relieved! I hope that I came close to what he wants, and what he had hoped for. I have 27 more days on the soft-ware, but I don’t know how much more time I have with this computer, considering… I keep the thought, high on my mind, that, at any moment, the door to the house will open and ALL will be removed… including the computer… my works, my files… everything. (May it NOT happen tonight! I have a voice call tomorrow afternoon!) – Apparently, the stress is taking another toll: It’s been trotting off to the loo all through the day. Honestly, there’s nothing in me to get rid of! But stuff keeps rushing out. Ah… the body, quite the mystery. – Anyway, this morning was just terrible. In spite of clear skies and rather comparatively comfy temperatures, I woke in the midst of a full-swing anxiety! Got me out from under the blankets and just… indescribably wandered! Not one thought would lodge itself anywhere in my mind long enough to make any sense at all! As it decreased, I managed to wander down-stairs, power-up the PC and gulp yesterday’s left-over coffee whilst making today’s pot (funny, that, it actually is a “pot”). Started working on the web-site by about 7.30 and kept thinking I should get me together and take a walk HOME today. But it was not meant to be today. Instead, I became so thrilled with all the coding and research and resources that return to mind that I just went steadily at it until it was done… just now. (One break of 29 minutes to grab a bowl of soup and an episode of “QI” how-ever.) – Other-wise… that’s the day! Probably good that I didn’t venture HOME… Imagine, as I thought, having a god-awful attack of cramps and shits on the 139! Middle of no-where… and having to toddle off into the snows to dump! The very thought of doing that, on HOME soil, would have put me over the edge. – Tomorrow I’ll be a miserably interesting sort of day. Seems “Chomage” wants to have a “chat” with me about “Voluntary Quit”? I’m certainly willing to bet with my all that it’s HISC telling them that I simply never returned any of the calls they made to me (and for which I have NO voice messages and NO e-mails?). Oddly: I knew yesterday, when I finally got the cheque from Days Inn that I wouldn’t be getting “chomage” this week and sure enough, when I checked… nothing in! (And people take me for being so utterly completely stupid. Imagine?) Oh well… nothing I can do about it this evening. – And as for this evening? There’s A pot pie in the oven that should carry me through until sleep time tonight. A bit of ice cream for dessert as well. – I’m actually getting tired at this point. It’s been quite the day of working… just almost like the “OLD” days in The Bronx when I had GrafTeq going and then JAKesslerDesign. Those were the days… those WERE the days. And tonight, to think: Almost EVERYBODY from back then is dead. Really… WHAT the FUCK am I doing here and they’re all gone? ME NEXT DAMN IT! – OH… and one of those book sites I started to join? They want 24,95! I have it… I just can’t get it to them! My “life”. –
[Today’s web-work:
Replaced many of the meta tags and added several on all the pages. Had to run through and associate all the images on all the pages. Associate all the links. Add “font families” in case somebody will actually have the expensive fonts that he wants. Built the Contact and Copyright pages and the “Philosophy” page (that took a LOT of doing because there were several errors in spelling and grammar that had to be fixed and I can only do so as images. Then to run through the whole thing to make sure links and images all worked and finally… up-load all the matter to the server and…I started at somewhere round 7.30 this morning… this task is another one of those 10hour things. But… it’s up on the server.]

Thu.7.Mar: 6.37 I was, rather as expected, awake at about 3.30 this morning. But, I forced myself to stay “in bed”, dozed on and off, in and out of sleep. No sense waking at that hour of the morning. I have to be awake and alert today at 14.30. – A disturbing dream though. I only recall a bit of it: Ina car, I was driving, it was either late night or early morning… dark. I was coming to the house, down Richard St. As I approached the front of the house, I could see into Silas’ room. He was disassembling the computer to take it away. My thought in the dream was that he’d waited until he knew I wouldn’t be here, in the house, to come, at night, to take it. I had several things I needed to finish on the computer, things I needed to do. All my files were still on it and yet he was taking it anyway. Well… I was completely lost at that point and simply drove past the house, not knowing where I would go, knowing there was nothing I could do. I thought: it comes as no surprise, it’s nothing less than I would have expected… to wait and do this when he knew I wouldn’t be there to say anything. And as I thought this, instead of the dream being first person, it became second person and I watched me drive down Town St, across the bridge and into blackness. (How interesting that when the anxiety came pounding at me, the dream changed to send person… even in my sleep there are protective reactions in play: my mind can’t take any more anxiety so it removes itself.) – Well… when I finally woke at about 6.00, I was sweating. Can you imagine? Sweating. In this house where I haven’t seen temperatures much above 55F for so long. And this morning I noticed something: my sweat is beginning to smell of cat urine. How odd. – Back to last night: I was under the blankets by 21.30. I actually had time to READ before going to sleep… about an hour! One of Nancy’s books… The Keep, I believe it is. I’d started it a while ago but picked right back up on the story. At least I still have SOME memory left in my old brain. It was wonderful to lie there, in the quiet, reading. Not many of those nights left from now on. – Well, Schmulik has MANY adjustments (a practical re-build) to the web-site so I must get along now. – Coffee’s heating, I’m awake(ish). Time to get serious… again… today.
[Today’s web-work:
Replaced many of the meta tags and added several on all the pages. Had to run through and associate all the images on all the pages. Associate all the links. Add “font families” in case somebody will actually have the expensive fonts that he wants. Built the Contact and Copyright pages and the “Philosophy” page (that took a LOT of doing because there were several errors in spelling and grammar that had to be fixed and I can only do so as images. Then to run through the whole thing to make sure links and images all worked and finally… up-load all the matter to the server and…I started at somewhere round 9 this morning… this task is another one of those 10hour things. But… it’s up on the server.]
19.09 I will forever find it rather interesting that Ms. Hil has NO trouble bitching about things I do down here (smoking?), but she equally has NO trouble pounding and stomping on her floors over my head and apparently feels that this type of behaviour is perfectly fine. Like-wise, with the stomping about at 10 or 11 or even at midnight (and sometimes even at 1.00 in the morning). BUT, IF I should be so bold as to open MY mouth and make any sort of comment about it… WELL!!! It’s a formal declaration of WAR and the troops would be at the ready to slash my throat! FUKKALL! – That said… WHAT A DAY! – I had to do another complete site-build! OK. So I suppose I can’t really complain. It does keep me “occupied” and I AM enjoying the hell out of getting back into the site-building. It’s rather fulfilling… being a “Site-Builder” again. And there’s SO much that’s changed over the years of being away from it, so I’m learning new things, new codes, new protocol. (Damned shame… I don’t expect to be around long enough for it make any difference in anything. Oh well. As I’ve always said: When Mum left, she took a Universe of knowledge with her. It does us no good… any of it… in the long run. It only serves an immediate purpose and then? What we don’t pass along, we take with us.) – Schmulik keeps insisting that I give him the address here… he insists he MUST send me a lap-top. I don’t want a lap-top! It’s just one more thing I’ll walk away from when I leave! Besides, every time I think about “lap-top” I remember the “Silas Burton lap-top” affair. I do NOT want a repeat! I don’t have the patience for such shit any more. – PARCELL FROM NANCY ARRIVED TODAY! OO! Vitamin C, t-shirt, munchies , and a card… with a cheque (that I feel God-awful about! receiving money for having done nothing to deserve) and cash (again… I haven’t done anything to deserve that either… yes… I must admit that I need it, more-so now because chomage has unilaterally decided I’m “guilty” of something… typical, don’t ask first, just judge… but really, I just don’t know…). I waited for my “break” to open it (I must be responsible and get the site-work done!) and I have to say: I SMILED! (I don’t do much of that any more.) And I am SO MUCH MORE THAN THANKFUL! – Well… as for “Chomage”: A letter arrived today as well… ANOTHER APPOINTMENT… ON MONDAY! WTF? I don’t know if I’ll have any means of communication in the next 3 minutes and here they feel they can switch appointments and all? So, at the originally appointed time, I used the G.voice and rang the number on the notice(s). Voice-mail! I tried twice! Same thing for both attempts! This is unadulterated bullshit! With the “history” of this god-damned State (and do I ever mean that!) it just fills me with such bitterness… such anger… and truly? such HATE! I wish, with all of my Being, that each and every one of them receives the anguish they’ve caused me… at least 100-fold! I have no compassion any more. Vermont has managed to kill it all… across the board. – 19.14 and I’m just about ready for sleep! I’m SO EXHAUSTED! Rather amazing. Hey! Maybe I’ll get back to my “routine”… again. How many times have I tried that? – This whole “existence” is just… something very much less than SHIT! – I’m tired… call it a “WRAP”.

Fri.8.Mar: 10.21 SURPRISE VISIT FROM DON! To measure windows, he says. It was a rather nice visit. But now he tells me that his daughter wants to buy the place! AhHAH! So THAT’S the story behind the “no rent” come the “warm weather”. Yup… it’s as I’ve suspected all through the Winter: he rented this place to some un-suspecting idiots so that WE could manage and maintain the place for him… IMAGINE: Charged rent to provide HIM with the service! Ah… this is just “typical” of this fucking hell-hole. Anyway, I asked him if the place smelled… of smoke or anything. He said he couldn’t believe how clean and well-maintained I’ve kept the place, he’s never had anybody keep any of his rental properties so nice. And no, it doesn’t smell of smoke. (OK? Ms.Hil and her cohort, Mr.Sil can both such shit from my colon.) HEY! Hey even took his shoes off out-side the kitchen door! – He asked… ASKED if it would be alright if his daughter dropped by on the week-end to look at the place. WTF was I supposed to say? – As he (Don) was leaving, his closing comment to me was: “I’m going to tell my wife ‘You just won’t believe it'”… the place is so clean.” He wouldn’t stop telling me how impressed he is with the cleanliness and maintenance of the house. Well… at least I know I don’t have to listen to any bull-shit and if I have to hear it, I’ll just dismiss it (along with all the other bullshit and lies). – THEN! THEN! THEN! What to my wondering eyes should appear on Skype? The following:
(Shit from the Sheister:)
“So, latest update… I’m at zero. Nothing to my left, nothing to my right. And when I asked to borrow money from mom, she told me that I was already 1200 dollars in debt to them and they wouldn’t keep paying my way in Richford
[3/7/2013 10:01:18 AM] Silas Burton: I’m writing a letter declaring my intent to Donald and Connie, I sent them 400 dollars already, and I’m sending that letter Certified mail
[3/7/2013 10:01:39 AM] Silas Burton: Oh, and to compound things… Gotta love Virgo luck…
[3/7/2013 10:02:09 AM] Silas Burton: My benefits have been canceled, so need to reapply, AND my hours at teddy got cut down to 24”
He previously gave me the whole song-and-dance about giving me a “60-day” notice (via e-mail, since he doesn’t have the respect to either come and tell me to my face nor to use any means of “talking”) which would put us out of here at the end of April. But NOW suddenly… “I’m writing a letter declaring”? Honestly! If I didn’t have the web-site to finish… I’d just get the fuck up and walk the fuck out of this. I know he’s not worth the aggravation, but SHIT and FUCKME! I’ve learned quite a lesson… and I keep thinking of his little e-mail about remaining “friend” and “comrade”. I trust the guys from the Shelter… I do NOT trust him! This matter will be handled to MY satisfaction… NOBODY else’s. Especially not his.
– OK! I HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL SKYPE VIDEO WITH MOTEK! I don’t know for how long, but it was certainly up there in the “hours”. We got to discuss the site-work and I’m approaching it with refreshed energy now. FINALLY! I know what he wants on it… no more running blind. And we go into the matter of the “lap-top” again. I still avoid giving him the address… but when I told him why, he said “I don’t want you to go across the border and disappear.” He’s so strange… really. He knows and understands how I feel about the World, in general, knows and understands how and why I’m so tired and fed-up. I can’t help but think of it in comparrison to my days in 5W-101: I wanted Rey and George and I to get out of the Shelter… but I didn’t want to be the last one out… (funny… I was). And I keep thinking that that’s how Schmulik is looking at it: It’s OK that HE leave on HIS terms… but I should be the “next” and not the “first”. Well… we’ll see how that all turns out. Anyway, we discussed the book and he INSISTS that I should accept the lap-top and work on MORE books. Says he, this one begs for a bit of history before this one AND another book about what happened after this one. We both got a good laugh when I said “This could end up as an entire series!” (Like anybody would really be that interested in me and my foibles. Right. But it was good matter for chuckles.) – When we’d finished our “business” chatting (tele-commuting at it’s finest), I tried, again, to phone Chomage. And again, No Ms. White. OK Jasmine! WTF kind of game are you playing… Vermonter! – That done, I channelled the anger into sweeping and washing the floors (they needed it anyway) and then headed out for a bit of grocery shopping at Mac’s and Wetherby’s. When I stopped off at Mayhew’s it was such FUN! AND WHEN I TOLD BRENDA ABOUT HAVING PUBLISHED A BOOK SHE TOLD ME SHE HAS A KINDLE AND IS AN AVID READER! SHE WANTS TO BUY THE BOOK! So I gave her the info and she said she’d look it up… really wants to read it. (Richford will have a piece of my history now… I’m doomed! Or… maybe more accepted. – Steak and eggs for dinner.. the quick and cheap steaks. I’m never really hungry any more but I know I have to put something into this old machine… I have to get the site done so I’ll need something to keep the brain functioning… until… – Laundry got done tonight AND… A WODNERFUL SHOWER! I’m hoping with heart and soul to get out and get HOME tomorrow!!! – OH! And at 22.47, before heading to cot to “sleep”, I ventured down to the basement to check the oil tank? … … … 3/8! I can hardly believe it! Of course, I’ve been sitting in this house ALL WINTER, half frozen and freezing (whilst Mr.Sil has been enjoying the comforts of “Mommies'”), but this was, indeed, a relief. I can put a bit of warmth in the place from now on… I’m leaving NOTHING in that tank if I can help it at all… – A bit of Twitter before bed tonight. A “deep” chat about religion and politics. Good chat. And… it was almost 1.00am on Saturday morning when I finally put out the lights… the party was over.

Sat.9.Mar: 10.03 I got to read a little before falling asleep this morning. Very nice indeed! Nancy’s book. Bless her with ALL the graces of Heaven! It was about 2.00 when I finally cut the light. – Up this morning at 7, power-up the PC, cold coffee from yesterday and to work on the site. For some reason, the coding isn’t working properly. But the sun is shining and the sky is clear and I am about to shower, dress and head HOME! There isn’t much “need” today, other than to get the fuck OUT of this house! and AWAY from it! I just can’t take this anymore. It’s gnawing at me… and I can actually FEEL it gnawing. I don’t hate the house and town per se… but I just can’t sit here, surrounded by the bullshit this place represents. So… I’m off to shower, be fresh and clean and AWAY! AWAY! AWAY! (Now I take me out to walk… how nice ‘twould be to be mowed-down flat along the road.) – 10.09 This is very strange: the thermometre here reads 66F. The furnace is up and running, there’s oil in the tank but SHIT!!! I AM SO COLD!!!!! IT’S THE SAME COLD YOU GET WHEN YOU WALK INTO A FOG… SHROUDED BY COLD. I wonder… (I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!) – 17.58 Well, it WAS a splendid day! Of course it was… I went HOME. And isn’t it strange: my gut instinct strikes again! As I walked, I looked for “the place” to go HOME to… and today, I found it. And good thing too! “Timing is everything in life.” – As for the voyage? Well, I can’t say it was boring… I got a bit of a later start than I’d wanted to, but just kept moving along toward the “goal”. THEN came the “fun”… Today I got stopped BEFORE even making it to the border… by the U.S. CUSTOMS! Some woman came out and started with the 20 questions and when I told her I was heading into Québec, she stomped away and sent a guy out after me!!! HE asked me where I live, I told him and then he gave me some kind of lecture about me sneaking across the border INTO VT on the train tracks, asked me who “dropped” me into the States, THEN asked: “You’re kebekwaz, arncha?” When I told him “No.” he asked for ID. I took out my passport and he says “Oh. So your American. OK. So why are you here?” (WHAT? I thought, but didn’t say.) I told him I do this walk so routinely that the Canada Customs knows who I am on sight. (Made no difference to Mr. Pahmiroi fonetic.) And then he went into the script: “When you get to the border, you still have to answer questions; If we want to, we can stop you from leaving the country; If we want to, we can follow anybody anywhere in the country; If we feel we have a reason, we can follow you to Florida.” Well shit! Me? I was almost waiting for him to try to keep me from going HOME and if he did, THIS would have been my LAST trip NEAR the border… I’d’ve been back HOME in NO time… TODAY! (Oddly enough, today SHOULD have been “THAT” trip…) – SO… that all done and on to the HOME-front where, once again, the greeting was warm, welcoming, wonderful. When I passed the gate today, I just started to cry. The sky was incredibly clear and brilliantly deep blue! The sun was so warm, the air still so Northernly cool. And it felt SO GOOD to be walking along HOME-turf again! I put on the music and toddled along. (My feet started to bother me just steps into the trip today though. The warm weather is making for tough walking… especially in boots. But it was SO GOOD to be walking along and listening to the music, I didn’t much care.) When I realised how much time I’d lost at the “lecture” I decided to hitch… but… alas… I did end up walking ALL the way into town and directly to the market where… well… indeed… it is HOME. Got my cheese, coffee, and something to send to Nancy. When I went to the cashe and was going to pay in US, some nice guy offered to give me Canadian ON PAR! (The US dollar is worth only 93 cents.) Says his wife goes into Richford to get gas and it would make it easier for her. WELL! O CANADA! And we got all into conversation about the differences in the countries and crossing borders and I told him about my harrowing haranguing today and he said they’re (U.S.) getting worse all the time. Said he’s been forbidden to cross… something to do with having to toss a Border Patrol guy out of a restaurant for misbehaving and the guy remembered him and black-listed him! Ah… America. So I laid the ground-work about getting work and finding a place back HOME. Didn’t do me any good, but… the story’s out now. We chatted a bit longer and I was off to the Quincaillerie to get… THE COFFEE PRESS! IT WAS STILL THERE! 20 BUCKS… as opposed to the 40 and 80 bucks at other places. I HAVE IT! (For all the good it’ll do me… as I come to find out when I walk in the door this evening… ) SO! I get to chatting with the guy at the cashe there… THE MANAGER! We talk about border-crossing and such. He too says the U.S. is getting worse. They stop Quebecers BEFORE they get to the Canada border… on their way HOME! I told him the same thing: If I could get work back HOME, I’d cross that border and NEVER go even NEAR it EVER again! Then, I finally found out the name of my “Friend” there: Ari! Well! I shan’t forget THAT! AND… now the REAL ground-work for employment is laid at HOME! IF I’m given the time that I SHOULD get (until the end of April… but I don’t know… that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen as of this evening…), I will pursue this angle of it. (If not? I’ll be HOME anyway… my way… soon. Today just drove it into me… I truly NEED, not just “want” to go HOME!) Then it was on to the dépaneur for some smokes, the week-end papers (la Presse of course and the local paper for Sutton… in French… of course…) so I can “browse” the wants and such, a soda for the road and… WOW! was it TOUGH leaving today! Not only because my feet, legs and back were in burning pain, but today I actually felt the sensation of leaving my “soul” behind. Physically “felt” it. It’s time… it truly is. – WELL WELL WELL! I was just out of Sutton and decided “What the Hell?” and started to hitch. It wasn’t moments when a wonderful woman came by and gave me a lift… ALL THE WAY TO THE FRONTIÈRE!!!!! She said she’d seen me on the trip up and was going to stop but had to get some-where and wasn’t going much beyond where she’d seen me, so when she saw me on the way back, she just couldn’t just pass me by! Ah… THIS IS HOME!!! SO SWEET! COMPASSIONATE! WONDERFUL! And I was SO appreciative! – And so… at the US Cutsoms… the nice fellow recognized me from previous trips, and I mentioned that I may have insulted the woman earlier today and asked if she was still there… she wasn’t but just as I mentioned Mr. Pahmiroi… he pulled up in a truck and jokingly said “Arrest than man!” and smiled. I apologised to him and said I wanted to apologise to the woman… He said it wasn’t necessary. they’re used to it (hearing that bothered me… no matter what… abuse is unwarranted). But he told me he’d let her know. And… I was… disgustingly back in the USSA. – The walk back to the house was OK. I stopped to talk with some of the local dogs. BUT… when I got to Elm and Richard… that gnawing feeling of somebody being in the house came back!!! There were no cars at the house and I actually was thankful… AND THEN I OPENED THE FRONT DOOR, CAME IN AND THERE IT WAS!!!!! – The door to the room that Silas “used” as a “closet” was opened!!! Some boxes were strewn about the floor, there were a few things on his bed!!! I immediately thought somebody had broken in and slowly went to his bed-room to see if the computer was still here. It was… and so was/is a box, on the floor, packed, with the things he had on the shelving under his Buddha. (The Buddha is still here… as is the art-work… Kanji “God” I’d done for him.) I checked the computer for a note of some kind… nothing. I went up to “my” room to look for a note… nothing. I came down, logged onto Skype and my e-mail to see if there was a message… nothing again. SO! HE’S MOVING OUT and won’t discuss it. So I sent a bit of a message, seeing that he was on Skype:

[10:59:28 AM] Silas Burton: Hey there, gonna eat some lunch then I’ll be heading over ;)
[5:56:04 PM] Loup Nordique: OMG! For a minute I thought somebody’d broken in! – I was up to Sutton. Probably just missed you!
[5:56:27 PM] Silas Burton: I figured! I’ll be down tomorrow as well
[5:57:08 PM] Loup Nordique: Oh you people and your “down”. If you travel North, shouldn’
[5:57:25 PM] Loup Nordique: shouldn’t it be “up”?
[5:58:39 PM] Loup Nordique: Don’t know why, but when I woke this morning I had the strongest feeling you’d be up today. I even looked for you on the 139. (wave)
[5:59:51 PM] Silas Burton: how was your day? what were you up to?
[6:04:08 PM] Loup Nordique: Strated a bit more work on Eduardo’s web-site (almost done… at last!) but looked out the window and saw that funny brightness (folks round here are calling it “Sun”. Wierd.) and decided to get out of the house finally. So.. of course… NORTH! Walked to Sutton, got stopped by the US CUSTOMS this time! Almost 45 minutes of “lecture” about people walking across the border. Then charming chat with KANADA!!!! cutsoms. (They smile when they see me, don’t even look at the passport anymore… just chat a bit.) And trekked on up. Schmoozed with folks (I guess I’m “known” in town already… the strange man who WALKS fro Richford… in the cold) and headed back. Then end. JUST walked in the door about 5 minutes ago.
[6:16:10 PM] Loup Nordique: Sorry about the typos… I’m still a bit shaken from coming in and thinking somebody tried to clean the place out.
[6:19:38 PM] Silas Burton: lol
[6:26:57 PM] Loup Nordique: Did you get to talk with Don at all? Since he dropped by. (I didn’t think I needed to be here if he and his daughter came. I’m assuming he has keys? Yes?)
[6:27:25 PM] Silas Burton: Nope, stopped by but nobody was home
[6:28:45 PM] Loup Nordique: (Truly… LOL… 4 really!) There’s just something about the expression “nobody was home” in VT that just makes me HAVE to at least chuckle. (Leave it to you!)
[6:29:55 PM] Loup Nordique: (rofl) (OK. I’m not actually “rolling on floor” but this is as close as I could find to something that looks like “TRULY LOLing.)
[6:42:57 PM] Silas Burton: haha
[7:08:28 PM] Loup Nordique: I’m working on the web-site but just wondered: do you have any idea when you might be “down” tomorrow? Should I have anything in the house for you… to eat, drink, be merry, WTF, what-ever?

19.41 and still no reply to my question and yet, he’s still on Skype, and off e-mail. This all puts me in a very unfavourable frame of mind when it comes to him… no communication. I purposely am not getting into the situation because I don’t DARE! It’ll start shit that I’m in no mood for.

[7:19:07 PM] Silas Burton: noon time
[7:19:23 PM] Silas Burton: and nah, might stop at Hanneford and pick up some stuff though
[7:21:57 PM] Loup Nordique: Otay. You probably saw my “larder”on the counter. That just about covers what’s here. I’m not sure about the little white cup-board. I don’t go in there. Had to “clean out” some stuff that went almost “unidentifiable” in the fridge… didn’t bother to replace it. You know me and food… We never get along well. So there’s never much here.

19.43 Well, I suppose I must get something in my stomach to make-up for the spent energy today… then… COCKTAILS TIME! AND FUCKME TONIGHT! I NEED AT LEAST ONE!

[7:22:36 PM] Silas Burton: I’m so over this sinus infection
[7:22:45 PM] Silas Burton: gonna go to the clinic on monday for sure
[7:26:31 PM] Loup Nordique: Just a note: I believe you can go to a hospital Emergency Room and, like NY, they HAVE to treat you to the best of their ability, whether or not you have any kind of insurance. I believe that’s how PJ used to get his medical (including his medications… for his… er… PTSD). I dont’ think he had VHAP or anything. But I took him to the ER one evening, waited for him and he got all sorts of treatment… (Just sayin… I WISH I could do something to help you get rid of that infection! I remember the nasty one I had when I was at my “sister’s”… all I could smell was horse stable and OMFG when I blew my nose it was THICK and stunk like… well… never mind. I jsut wish I could DO something to make it better!)

Sun:10.Mar: Well, I’m trying to catch this up on Tuesday already! The days are sailing by… soon… no more days… no more nights… But for now… Yes, Silas did come to the house today. I’m sad to say, it wasn’t as “Happy” a re-union as it had always been in the past. I just don’t have any emotions any more. Dull. That’s the only way I can explain it. Maybe it’s because I expected him to simply walk in, go right for his things and head out the door. But, oddly enough, he didn’t. Instead, he got here, very hungry, as he usually is when he gets here. I doubt he’s eating very well down there at his “mommies'” but you know? Even that didn’t phase me very much today. As I say… dull… all my emotions are just at “DULL”! (Soon, they’ll all be just “DEAD”. I’m burnt so far out of it all that… well… – He was hungry and said something about going to the market. I said that I had so much Canadian currency that we could actually go some-where in Sutton this afternoon and have something to eat. Amazingly, he headed out the door and cleaned the car out! We were off to HOME! It was a nice day for it too, but, unfortunately, it was Sunday… very little was open today and, instead of going for something quite nice, in a nice place, where we could have relaxed… it was, as usual… poutine at Subway. And VERY sadly, today’s poutine was rather nasty. I was looking forward to smoked meat with mine, what I’ve come to know as “Poutine Québec” and it was briny, soggy and just not very nice at all. I was disappointed not only for me, but for Silas as well. Still, it was a good afternoon “out” and for me? HOME! – Customs to HOME was, as always, just a delight. It’s always wonderful to be addressed and treated like a human-being and that’s something I’m in much need of these days. Customs back? Typical American shit for the most part. Still… not too long. And soon we were back at the house and the packing re-commenced. Like I need to be reminded. Every item that went into every box just ripped more and more out of me. But I fought every feeling, squashed and squelched. And all I wanted to do was vomit. – The house emptied rather quickly too. – (Picking up on Wednesday 11.25) I was really certain that Silas would put things back into the car and careen out of the drive to get back to S.BTV but… he DIDN’T! I was almost shocked and REALLY RELIEVED! The thought of being in this house, through the night, alone… HELL! I wanted to vomit anyway, and being alone in here, looking at how empty, with the thoughts going through my head (HE’s packing because HE has a place to go to… For HIM it’s all just a matter of stuffing things into a car and driving away from here and into another room, with furniture and all the necessities. For me? Send little boxes to people who MIGHT appreciate what’s in them… and when that’s done, put the rest out at the end of the drive to the Town to fetch and dump in the land-fill… and then… leave the keys, walk out the door to the street and into … ABSOLUTE NOTHING and just hope for good weather and to find a place where nobody will be disturbed by my presence… until…). – For a brief while he stepped-out. I thought he was going to visit with Hilary, but moments later he came back in: “That was interesting…” He said he’d phoned Don to ask if he could stop by and talk about he letter he’d sent. Don, as the story goes, told him “Mother’s already in bed so this isn’t a good time.” When he asked about tomorrow, Don asked “We’re going to be pretty busy all day. Why?” Silas (as he told me) said “I just wanted to come by to talk about the letter and make sure we’re all on the same page.” and Don replied “We agree with everything. We’re all on the same page. Everything’s fine.” Silas seemed to be a little taken askance by what he felt was a ‘brush-off’. But I told him to just let it go, that he’d tried to talk and the matter’s settled. Besides, this is doing Don the greatest favour… he gets his house when it’s convenient for him and there are no arguments. The place has been maintained through the Winter and there’s nothing left… it’s the way he wanted and intended from the beginning. It’s done. I did manage to add that I resent the fact that we were both, pretty much “abused” in this situation and that I will always look at this as: “We paid for the privilege to maintain HIS property through the Winter season. Usually, people get PAID to take care of somebody else’s property. But, that’s the way things are in Vermont… up-the-arse fukall back-wards.” And… we left it at that. – And so, he set-up his lap-top and got into his video-gaming whilst I got back into more web-work. (I MUST get this site up, running and all before the end of this month! The “Trial” soft-ware expires, I’ll have nothing to work with… IT MUST GET FINISHED!!!!!) – When we’d both decided that the day was coming to an end, we both watched a bit of “QI” and then he wanted me to see a movie (“Hunger Games”). He’s always been good that way, wanting to “share” a movie that he particularly likes. So, we settled-in, just like in the beginning nights here… he, on his bed, me on the chair… – He asked me “When you leave here, are you going back to NYC?” I told him the truth: I don’t have the slightest idea where I’m going when I walk out this door. He said something about having had talks with his mother and it seems she understands his “situation” but Gwn doesn’t. He claims his mother is charging him 400$/month to move back there and stay. I just let him talk. Truthfully, I have nothing to say… what he does is his business… what I do is mine. When he leaves, he’s gone. When I leave, I’m gone. Where we go, whether we stay in touch isn’t an issue or a matter of any point of discussion. He’ll go to his mommies’… I’ll go where-ever I happen to end up. He’s looking at a room in a flat… I’m looking at a sleeping bag in the woods. So… there’s no sense in discussing any of it… not at all. And… quite frankly? All I keep thinking is: After mid-April, not one fraction of a second of “my” existence is ANYBODY’S business. I already know what I WANT and I’m focusing on that. I walk out? The door closes… the matter is done. And all of this too shall pass into an insignificant past. No animosity, no negative thoughts or feelings. It all just “is” and that’s the beginning, end and “all” of it. – And we watched until the movie was over. – He put his pyjama’s on and I went up to “my” room for the night. – Being in that room tonight was EXCRUTIATING! And NOBODY knows… nobody really gives a shit. So I got under the blankets and put myself to sleep consciously trying to think about things I’d do tomorrow… planning the day… the way I used to do. It was well after mid-night already and… the day ended.. with the 2 of us back in the house … that will be gone, ever so soon.

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Sun.10.Mar: (on Mon.11.Mar:8.32) Well, indeed, another one of those “interesting” days, this. (And this morning, Monday, I’m jotting on the iPod again, only because Silas is in “his” room, asleep.) As has been “usual”, I woke this morning and got right to work on Schmulik’s web-site. The coding isn’t working on the “Chrome” browser and I’m annoyed! I MUST get that site up and running! NOW! Silas said he’d be here round noon and I wasn’t sure if he was coming for the computer or not! But, time rolled along and the coding was still not working. – When I looked at the clock on the PC at about 9.00, I took a break and went to file my weekly Chomage… and the “Vermont day” commenced: Being honest, I put in the “back pay” I’d received from DaysInn and, well, once again, DaysInn fucks me! as does my honesty: BLOCKED because I put “income” in! Truly… in this State, “Honesty” has NO place. So, hopefully this little issue will be settled with tomorrow’s “chat” with the apathetic accusatory Ms. White at the DoL… though I’m caertainly not counting on it at all… I’ve learnt. – Back to the site building… but THEN I noticed a difference in the clocks on the desk and PC… the desk-clock was an hour behind! Odd… so too, the clock on the stove! I checked, on-line and sure enough: “Day-light Savings” had rolled in over-night. Push the clocks, the time, the days and hour ahed. Indeed, today I’ve actually “lost” and hour. Well! (At least I’d already put on some “work” time on the site though.) -A bit more time in on the site-building and I decided I’d “celebrate company” today with… a shower! A delightful shower it was, and then back to “work”, wondering if the PC would be removed, wondering how the day would go along. shower emsai webwork tidy 13.30 packing(food etc) what do you want thru Aoril where will you go back to “NYC”?

Mon.11.Mar (on Wednesday) I woke at about 6.00 this morning and did my best to keep as quiet as possible to let Silas sleep until, I think it was about 7.30 when I heard him open the door to his room and I went down-stairs. He was packing again, already, first thing in the morning, and the GRIP of the “Reality” came closing in. But I squelched, as usual. – I was a bit amazed when he went to the cup-board in the kitchen and started pulling what food was left in there. Out came the tinned goods. “Do you suppose the Food Shelf will take these?” “I don’t see why not.” and into a tote they went. “Put aside what things you know you’re going to need… like dishes and stuff.” “Yup. OK.” and then… out came the flour and the yeast. He baked 2 loaves of bread this morning. “I don’t get to cook anymore at my moms’.” Oh well… what would you have me say to that statement? I said… nothing. –
Silas left round about 13.00, backed out the drive and was gone. My stomach went completely sour and my bowels just HEAVED inside my gut. But I came back into the house… empty house… and got my papers and such ready for today’s “chat” with “Jasmine”, down at the unemployment. – WELL! THAT “interview” went “interestingly”. Patrice, from HISC, was conferenced in and, as I’d expected (to a point), she did all she could to make it look like I simply abandoned the job, the company, their clients… the whole package. At one point, she intimated that I was lying and I spoke, very calmly and said “I must say that I rather resent the implication that I should ‘lie’ in about any of this. I’ve spoken very well of HISC and all the people there and I see no reason why it should come to this.” The matter was dropped, telephone records and e-mails were requested and we were both told by “Jasmine” that a decision would arrive in the mail… etc… and all that shit. Honestly!?!?!? THIS WAS NOT THE DAY WHEN THIS SHIT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!!! I couldn’t concentrate, I had no recollection of SO much over the past 2-3 months! No matter how hard I tried to focus on the issue at hand, the fact remained: I was sitting at a desk, at a computer, in an almost empty room, staring out a window that I won’t have in a short while, onto a street that I’d once thought of as “my home address” and I was sitting here… FUKKALL ALONE to handle what damned “future” is lurking in the corners of this house, on my own and here I’m being assaulted… ASSAULTED AGAIN by some shitbitchpompousinbreed from fukkallshithole Vermont! BUT… I’d maintained my composure. No matter what I say, what I do, what phone records/e-mails/paper/blood/physical heart tissue I present, the matter will be as “they” want… not me. As I sat for the moments after the call, in silence, I thought: HAH! I already know you’ll accuse me of collecting unemployment, not being entitled to it, you’ll insist that I pay it all back (with no income) and in a matter of weeks, YOU won’t be of ANY consequence to me and you can send out a posse to find my carcass… hopefully there’ll be something left of it that you can use to satisfy your demented desires. By then, I won’t care. But thank you for helping me make a decision that I’ve been only skirting of late and really need to focus on. You’ve been most beneficial. – And… I returned to trying to accomplish something with the remainder of this day and try to avoid thinking. – HOLY SHIT IS THIS ALL KICKING ME! It’s really almost amazing at how brutally all of this, what’s been almost “common” to my life in general, is actually knocking things out of me… stuff that I never even knew I had that could be knocked out of me! – And now to what was actually recorded for Monday ON Monday: 16.38 All I want to do is vomit. Just vomit. Stupid, really, because there’s still time in the house… a month and a half. But it’s empty in here now. Boxes of clothes, the little things that here about the place. Gone. The house feels every so empty and cold. It’s more silent than ever before. And I’m sick… truly, physically, sick. Vomity sick. This is hitting me quite hard this evening… and I don’t like it… not at all. And if it doesn’t stop… I’m working n Schmulik’s web-site and even when I concentrate on that work, my stomach is sour. – I napped for about 30 minutes, sitting in the chair… the chair that will soon be gone as well… Little by little, the house is emptying. I must get certain things out of here soon. And when they’re gone… … … I don’t know. That’s just it: I don’t know. The past 24 hours have been a kick to the head, to the gut, to the heart, the soul, the marrow. And now I have time, in silence and cold, to experience it all. And it’s not good, no matter how it gets twisted. Just not good. I’m ill, very, very ill. This isn’t “anxiety” any longer. This is the physical manifestation and it’s sickening. Silas can pack and move. He has someplace absolute to go to when he leaves from here. I can’t help but look out the window and think… huge, empty, nothing and no-where. Not even a shelter. THAT’s something my mind and spirit just won’t handle. It’s… nothing. 17.19 I’m drawing complete blanks on my coding now. I can’t remember, and when I go to look for help on the Internet, the changes and information are doing nothing but making me even more sick to my stomach. So much of me wants to learn the newer methods, but my brain keeps kicking everything out… “Why bother?” “You’ll only use the new information for about 5 weeks and then it’ll all mean nothing.” Not “lucid” thoughts… just this “fog” that keeps blocking everything from making any sense at all. And I used to be SO good at learning this… I used to have such a deep interest in it. All I can think about now is walking out of the house and away. If today’s weather was like Saturday… I have to say… today would be the day I’d just leave. I know it… – I’m going to try a cup of hot “Nighty Night” tea to see if it helps get rid of the anxieties… Not to go to sleep… but just to take the “edge” off. Hopefully it’ll work. – 18.43 I cannot believe this… Hilary is up there, literally doing some kind of clog dance! – 23.41 It’s been unadulterated Hell this evening… all evening. The anxieties were actually debilitating. I couldn’t think, function, eat, and now, I’m exhausted and I don’t want to go to bed… my cot… and I don’t want to lie on Silas’ bed and I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go. The house is dead silent, but the wind is slamming out-side. The weather is supposed to change and this certainly shows it! – An e-mail from Nancy tonight and one from Fran! It’s been very alone… VERY “alone”. Water is on for another “Nighty Night” tea… there was about one shot of vodka left in the house and I kicked that back… hopeful but alas. This IS going to get “different”, yet stay the same and certainly not get “better with time”. Sometimes we just have to face that fact and respond accordingly. Tonight, I’ll see what, if any, rest the night brings. Tomorrow? There are responsibilities to be met, things that should be done, things I must accomplish… alone. But tonight, there’s only the night. I’ll need my energy tomorrow, so I should try for some rest tonight. – Now I’ll lay me down to sleep and damnit! Don’t wake me! Amen.

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Mon.11.Mar: 8.32 The house is still this morning. Silas is still sleeping. I’ve found a few more things I want to send to Nancy… and as I look out the window it hit me… amost mid-month! “Time” is truly “running”… toward the 15th and toward April. Goodness me… “running”.

Tue:12.Mar: 8.21 Totally CRASHED on Silas’s bed last night. – Raining. And my chest is …. it’s just another day of it. I’m back to the site-building. – 15.30 Don came by “to look at the house because he wants to have it sided.” He also wants to have the floors re-done (I was going to do that… and now I’m glad I didn’t!). And the NEWS: HIS DAUGHTER BOUGHT THE HOUSE AND WILL BE STARTING TO MOVE IN ON 1 MAY! SO… let us hope that the month of April brings few showers and some very nice weather… and that I’ll be able to get my tent and be out of here and set-up under a nice tree by a fairly nice brook BEFORE the last minute. One way or another… I WILL BE OUT OF HERE BEFORE SILAS LEAVES ME ALONE IN AN EMPTY HOUSE. (I have NO idea what to do with anything that’s in here now, other than some little stuff that I am bequeathing to others who I believe will appreciate it.) It’s really quite odd: This time, I honestly and really have no place to go to. Well? (cue Etta James) AT LAST! I get to go HOME and I get to see MUM! (I hope she’s ready for this.) – Other-wise, it’s been a silent, rainy day. Very busy with Schmulik’s site work. Not in the best of moods, not in the worst of moods. But certainly not very cheerie today. Just fed up with the whole thing and my patience is worn down to absolute nothing now. It’s about getting this site work done… D.O.N.E., packing a few little items to ship out and … well… that’s just about it. (In some sort of way, I now actually “know” how Mum felt in March of 1988… I’m at the very beginnings of the “HEY! I don’t have to care about banque accounts, e-mails, nasty phone calls, what people think of me, whose feelings are going to be hurt, paying storage, filing for all sorts of subsidies and shit, getting a phone, having a computer… NONE OF IT! It’s actually quite a wonderful state of mind to be in…) And the fact that I don’t really care about what happens to the “things” I accumulated over the course of what-ever time I’ve had makes it all the easier. (Ah…. but I will have to arrange for somebody to get the “royalties” from the book… if it ever takes off. I WILL BE DAMNED ETERNALLY IF THE GOVERNMENT OF THIS COUNTRY GETS ANY OF IT!) – 21.04 Chat with Motek. Wants me to go back to NYC, work for him in his new business. Talks about it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Nobody knows. Nobody understands. And me? I’m not even going to try… not even here in this “Journal”. It’s not worth the effort any more. – Don came by this after-noon, stood out front in the rain, staring at the house. I went out… more because I just didn’t really want him roaming about the place (it’s a mess… and I’m in no mood to “clean”… and more-so, to hear what he might have to say that he may have already said to Silas but Silas won’t tell me (which is the usual way). It’s a shame, really: I don’t trust Don, don’t trust Silas… don’t trust many-if-any these days. But Don tells me that he’s sold the house to his daughter, she’ll be moving in on 1 May. SO! IT IS DONE! FINAL. FINISHED. During the “chat” Don actually asked me if I knew how to sand and re-finish floors! Daughter wants them done. I told Don that that was my first thought when we moved in (and I thought… AND AM I EVER GLAD I DIDN’T BOTHER!). Then he tells me that he’s going to have the place “sided” AND that he wants to do the floors BEFORE “we” move out! so that it’s all done for his daughter when her lease expires at the end of April. SOOooo! The “pieces” all start to fall into place: No doubt, he’s already had this chat with Silas… no doubt at all. And, once again, I’m left OUT of it!? OK then! Well… I didn’t offer to help with the floors (I’m not THAT COMPLETELY STUPID!) and… well… I have no idea what’s to come along other than the fact that Don confirmed: OUT AT THE END OF APRIL! PERIOD! – When he left, I just came back into the house and continued with the web-site work until it was time to get something to eat… just to kill an appetite. – Took a stroll to Mac’s and Wetherby’s… “my little town” and came back to the house, threw a pizza into the oven, worked a bit more and then settled, for the remainder of the evening, to watch a bit more “QI”. – Schmulik rang on Skype this evening and we discussed the site-work. Even that’s beginning to get on my nerves: He gets these notions about what he wants and doesn’t bother to do ANY of the work before-hand like trying his colour combinations BEFORE I get into the coding and then, when all the WORK is done, he has no trouble telling me that he doesn’t like it (even though HE said it was what HE wanted) and here I go again… ANOTHER RE-BUILD! Well, I don’t complain. It keeps my mind occupied and away from “Reality Issues”. Still, I WILL BE OFF OF THIS BY MID APRIL! – THEN!!!! HE finally cornered me into giving him the mailing address here so that he can send me a “lap-top”… I’ve a feeling it’s old… very old, and probably won’t handle much of anything other than a word document or something. I regretted having given him the address at the moment it was done… Yet, as I thought: The can come try to deliver it and I don’t have to answer the door. No doubt they’ll need a signature and if I don’t go to the door… no signature… return to sender. Oh well… I don’t want the damned thing! I’m not thinking of anything beyond mid-April and I certainly don’t want to have to carry that thing with me… for any reason at all! And once again, as it’s always been: This isn’t about “me” at all… it’s ALL about what makes “Others” happy. Yup… same shit. Fukkemall. – And so, I amused me with more web-work until I’d have more than enough. – A few lines back and forth from Nancy tonight. She’s very tired of late. Imagine indeed. – And the night came to a close with….

Wed.13.Mar: 7.16 Fell asleep about 1.00 this morning, on Silas’ bed, watching QI. Woke at about 5.45 and have been at the web-work from since but SO SO sick to my stomach, and left nostril is swollen, and I just want to go back to sleep. I haven’t been undressed to shower or go to bed since Saturday night. I don’t care, I just don’t want to feel sick. But Friday is… I wonder what it will be THIS year. I wonder… Time to get back to the web-work. Then to catch-up on this. Then maybe … (Watch that dickhead show up to start sanding floors today. That’d be “typical” for me. And Schmulik is sending the bloodyfucking lap-top. I’m only going to leave it in the house here when I go. Selfish. But let it be.) – 9.45 And yet another re-make to the web-work is completed… and now to wait for the “Changes”. – Still feeling “not well”. No matter what I do, there’s this miasma, an all-encompassing, shrouding, suffocating, almost visible and perfectly palpable miasma. – I noticed that my clothes need laundering again. I haven’t the interest. The kitchen needs cleaning, dirty dishes piled in the sink, full of water. I haven’t the interest. I need to bring these entries up to date. I haven’t the interest. I haven’t the “care” nor the “concern”. It’s not cold in the house, but my “core” is cold. And I don’t have the interest in changing… anything. Cave idus martias. What will it bring THIS year? – 20.06 A rather wasted day. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep. And for almost 2 hours, that’s just what happened… sitting on the chair. I intended to watch an episode of “QI” and 2 hours later I was waking from sleep. Since then, I’ve accomplished nothing, wanted to accomplish nothing and am so cold it’s ridiculous. Now, here it is, 20.00 and another day is gone… – No e-mails save the one from Schmulik this morning saying he likes the web-site. A few comments on Twtr that I replied to. Nobody is on Skype save, Nancy. Indeed… as usual, I am “there” when “needed” and when it would do me the world of good just to hear a voice and talk with some-one, “Mr. Lafsalot” finds himself… with himself. Oh well. A matter of weeks. Me? I’ll be off and… and the rest can sod. I’m not angry, not mad, not bitter… just educated. – I did find “Allo Allo” on UTube this evening so, that is where we’ll take this evening-into-night. FTW. -Just noticing the ridges in my finger-nails, disgusting! Never been so pronounced ever before. Well, between them and the coughing/rumbling in the chest… hey! – Did manage to have the small cube steaks again tonight. There’s a part of me that figures I should enjoy the time here and now. I deserve to have “good times” and so I should. All I need to do is buck this anxiety and it will be fine. (And buck the damned COLD in this fucking house!) – Cocktail time! The dishes will wait… until Thursday.

Thu.14.Mar: 7.39 I could see, just by the light that came in through the closed blinds… snow again last night. Enough to cover the streets and grass,,, again. And no, I’m not enjoying it. But I am tired. The house is a mess. Kitchen, this room, “my” room… and I crashed down here again last night… I just cannot get myself to go to that room up-stairs and there’s so much work, packing and such, that needs to be done. I can’t. – And so begins another day. DOWN-ward. – 8.42 I’ve found my diversion and distraction for this morning in researching more coding for the web-work. All was going well until… There’s a cat, a rather large cat, that hides under the porch at night. It’s been there all through the Winter and sometimes makes some noise… probably defending its little bit of space. Not a problem to me. But this morning, in the snow that’s falling again, it came out and walked along the front of the house where I could see it. My immediate reaction was to offer it something to eat, maybe bring it in for some warmth… and then the flush of sickness came over me: I can’t… I can’t bring this little creature in, offer it food, give it the impression that I’ll be here for it when it needs. I won’t be here… soon. Then, the following wave of nausea and head-ache: this little creature is out in the elements, as the snow falls, in the wind, trying to find some protection against the weather, against Nature… in a short while, I’ll be doing the same. Once again… I’m a “Wallenberg Cat”. It won’t stop until I stop it. Well? I’ve got only a bit more work to wrap up here and this is going to be stopped. I just can’t take this sickness every moment of every day… the nausea, the head-aches, and there’s only one way to stop it… Had I not promised Schmulik this web-site… I’m still a complete ass… promising people who don’t care, things that will make “them” happy. – 9.42 As if I have nothing better to do… Don decides to come dropping by! No announcement. Just show. “I gotta guy coming to mayzjer winduz.” He asked if I minded and I was in a bit of a snit: I hadn’t had my morning coffee, the sink was full of dishes, I didn’t get a good sleep, and I snapped a bit at him. “You need to do what needs to be done in the time you have… It’s not my house so really, what difference does it make? Of course I don’t mind.” (I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did, but I was in the midst of an anxiety attack, wanting to vomit, as usual, and I truly resent this bullshit of simply ignoring me completely and just waltzing in. It’s getting disrespectful… Not that that should be a surprise. I just keep thinking that Silas must know something about all of this and HE doesn’t have the respect or the decency to let me know… e-mail, Skype… nothing! Fuckme every and any way they can find. – Well… the “guy” was supposed to be here between 9-9.30 so Don hung out, we chatted a bit, I made coffee (for me). He was “convivial” (and I can’t get over how he removes his shoes before coming into the house. OK. So there’s that respect. Still…) Come to find out… his father was from SUTTON!!!! OH SHIT! He told stories of his youth and getting into scruffs in Abercorn and Sutton. They were quite the towns in the old days and he was quite the trouble. When I mentioned that I knew that Sutton once looked very much like Richford does these days, he confirmed: “I hadn’t been up there in a few years and when I went back I couldn’t believe it! It was a completely different place!” Just goes to prove: Richford CAN pull itself back… too bad… I’d wanted to work with the town to see what kind of businesses could be put into the empty buildings here. That’s not going to happen now… “Time”. I just never get the “time”. “Life” is a shaft up the arse. – 13.53 I cannot believe that it appears CHOMAGE is back! A payment was credited on Tuesday! I had the “conference” on Monday. Sunday’s “claim” didn’t go through because I admitted to receiving the back pay. Usually the payment doesn’t get posted until Wednesday but here it was! SHOCK! Of course… let us be completely honest here: I don’t expect there to be any more payments. Either this was an error on their part or it was a payment that they somehow figured should have been made. I don’t know. All I keep thinking is: I’m going to get a NASTY note telling me that they’re taking my tax returns this year to pay-back “over-payments”. (And RIGHT NOW!!! THAT TAX MONEY COULD MAKE SUCH A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN MY FUTURE! Therefore? I KNOW they’re just heating the iron prod in preparation to SHOVE it right up my back-side. I’m certainly not “stupid” any more.) – 18.32 I can’t believe it’s still just about day-light out there! NOW! GET THE DAMNED TEMPERATURES UP THERE, GET RID OF THE SNOW, AND MAKE MY DEPARTURE FROM ALL OF THIS “COMFORTABLE”! I don’t look forward to climbing in the ice and snow. And oddly enough, as I was “dozing” a bit this afternoon the thought came to me: If there’s snow on the ground, I’ll leave foot-prints! I don’t want that! SO… I need to monitor the weather very closely from now on, watch for the “trends” and keep hope that the warmer weather will come… and STAY! SOON!!!!! – 20.23 A brief Skype with Motek. VERY BRIEF notes with Nancy. Dishes in the washer (I don’t give a fuck). A VERY quick sweep of the kitchen floor. So much for the “Highlights” of this day. Quite nice: At a time when I could certainly use the communication with people… people cut me off. I can’t complain. At least there’s continuity in my existence. – 0.51 WELL! THIS IS MUCH LATER THAN I’D THOUGHT ABOUT FOR A CLOSE OF THIS DAY! But… A rather delightful evening on Twtr. Several conversations with some “newer” folks, some chit-chat with people I’ve never communicated with before. And… nothing from “others”. – Oh. I did a Tumblr acct for the book today. I looked-up “marketing” suggestions and Tumblr came in rather high, so now, there’s a place on-line where I can put a few “clips” from the book and maybe some photos. I’m not sure what photos I’d put out there, maybe some from the Shelter. But I’m getting into the “marketing” aspect and hopeful that it will work for the book! (Of course, as I mentioned to Schmulik: I have to figure what to do with the royalties… The first payments won’t come in until MAY! I’m quite hopeful that I’ll be well gone by then and I would certainly NOT want that money, little as it may be, to go to ANY “government”! The governments of this fucking “country” have taken MORE than their fair share from me already!!! Not to mention: THIS money is coming from my having been abandoned and being relegated to a Shelter! NO! This money needs to get to someplace appropriate… and NOT the government! I’ll have to give it some VERY serious thought! It’s only a matter of giving somebody the card to the account and the PIN. The royalties will continue to be posted and whom-ever has the card can take them. Too bad I don’t know where the guys from the 5th floor are today. I’d pass it all over to one of them. (Of course, the first person who comes to mind is Dennis B. “I wish I could win a really huge lottery! I’d use the money to buy a big house and turn it into a shelter for guys like us.” The royalties wouldn’t make the house a reality, but it would give him a bit of something to enjoy. Then Rey: who went out there all the time, in all kinds of weather, looking for a job. Or Kendall, who used to go out to distribute the morning papers in rain, snow and all sorts of weather… (Draw-back: he’d drink it away and spend it on some bits of stuff, just to get laid. Shit! If I really wanted to support THAT kind of habit, I could just turn it all over to Silas! NOT!) Charlie? Wouldn’t do him any good… he’s in for life. Rick? He’d be a likely person who would appreciate it. Tony Muscle? Probably. But… there’s really no way to track these guys down now.. unless I went back to NYC… and I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT! SOOooo… I’ll just have to think about it with the time I have left. – And another night down-stairs. I went up to “my” room, briefly, this evening… It caused a trip to the toilet. At the rate my stomach is going, I might be lucky and be able to look forward to a good peptic ulcer! That would be a delight. And, who knows? At the rate I’m losing control of my bowels of late… all of a sudden the shit just runs, little by little, with-out warning or sensation… maybe there’s “something” already in the works. I can “hope”. – I really should clean the house in case Silas comes. But I just don’t give a shit. The place is as “clean” as it’s going to be. No more putting effort into any of it. So long as I’m “comfortable” I don’t give a shit what others think or feel about it. – Thinking: Synagogue in Québec. Maybe it really is time to go “HOME”. Fair weather and a hitch!!!! I looked it up this evening… In the immediate area of this house there are 2… one in Burlington and the other in Sherbrooke! Imagine? Sherbrooke! CHABAD! of all things. I’m entertaining the notion of hitching up one day next week, or calling them to make an appointment to “schmooze”. Hell! They did SHITALL for me in Riverdale. Who the hell knows? Maybe they can offer me something, even temporarily. At least I’d be HOME and from there I could work my way closer to… my little spot sur la Montagne! That would be so lovely. – Well… it truly IS time to shut the doors and windows on this day. I’ve been sick all day and am actually exhausted now…

Fri.15.Mar: ***** IDUS MARTIAS *****

CAESAR
Set on; and leave no ceremony out.

Soothsayer
Caesar!

CAESAR
Ha! who calls?

CASCA
Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CAESAR
Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music,
Cry “Caesar!” Speak; Caesar is turn’d to hear.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March

CAESAR
What man is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS
Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR
What say’st thou to me now? speak once again.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

CASSIUS
Will you go see the order of the course?

BRUTUS
Not I.

CASSIUS
I pray you, do.

BRUTUS
I am not gamesome: I do lack some part
Of that quick spirit that is in Antony.
Let me not hinder, Cassius, your desires;
I’ll leave you.

CASSIUS
Brutus, I do observe you now of late:
I have not from your eyes that gentleness
And show of love as I was wont to have:
You bear too stubborn and too strange a hand
Over your friend that loves you.

BRUTUS
Cassius,
Be not deceived: if I have veil’d my look,
I turn the trouble of my countenance
Merely upon myself. Vexed I am
Of late with passions of some difference,
Conceptions only proper to myself,
Which give some soil perhaps to my behaviors;
But let not therefore my good friends be grieved—
Among which number, Cassius, be you one—
Nor construe any further my neglect,
Than that poor Brutus, with himself at war,
Forgets the shows of love to other men.

CASSIUS
Then, Brutus, I have much mistook your passion;
By means whereof this breast of mine hath buried
Thoughts of great value, worthy cogitations.
Tell me, good Brutus, can you see your face?

BRUTUS
No, Cassius; for the eye sees not itself,
But by reflection, by some other things.

AHHhhh… 1986… 2007 and now, 2013. I am resentful and looking at this day today with trepidation and hate, and determination: this will be the LAST ONE! – At about 2.00 this morning I went to “sleep”… at 6.00 this morning I was awake. It’s 8.01, light, powdery snow on the ground, the garbage is out, I need a shower and to make a wash today. The sun is shining but the temperature is -12. Schmulik said he wanted to vid-chat this morning at 8.00. I don’t see him on-line. The little indicator says he’s “away”. Well, let’s see what happens. I’m going to look through some scripting for this site. I’d like it to be to his complete satisfaction and something “professional”. – WELL!!! We DID connect! And for 3-plus hours we talked about the site, I did some work on it even as we chatted! I have to admit, it felt VERY good to be able to use the technologies of today. I amaze me when I do that! And so, in the course of conversation, Schmulik offered me light employment: I could be his “bookkeeper/accountant” for his business, he could get me some light work at the studio as long as it remains in business… textile work and such, he offered me some light textile designing (since he knows I was rather successful at it… having been told by Zur). When I said “Supposing I did go back to NYC (and gave a hypothetical date), I could put my things into storage and then… where would I go from there?” He actually told me that I could stay by him and Chris “for a few days”. Ah yes… the “few days” again. I know how that works. And of course, they have no room for me (truly and honestly I mean). But it’s that “few days”… right. As if, in “a few days” I’ll have work, income and enough to toddle out the door and into independence! Right. He DID give me an idea though: Find a bit of work, bring/send/ship what I can down there and out of this fucking State, put it into storage so that my “things” are together in one place (art work and all), give him the key and the storage info and once I can afford… get the HELL OUT and back up NORTH… THE END! IN COMFORT! An “Option”… for COMFORT… and THAT is what it’s ALL ABOUT! – Otherwise, I have to say: It’s so strange how he keeps trying to keep me around and yet, we both admit, quite frankly, to each-other, how neither of us has any particular desire to continue… Life is a burden to both… yet we encourage each-other to remain, if for no other reason, than to torture others as they’ve tortured us. HAH! Well, we shall see in the weeks to come. – HEY! We got talking about 1998 and believe it or not, I have NOTHING Journaled for that year! Imagine? I have some thinking and back-tracking to get done. (Subsequently, I find that I have little-to-nothing for 2007 either… THAT is a story that “might” need to be documented. But…) – AND AND AND… I started doing a bit of researching on Michael and his mother and found THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF HIM AND HIS SISTER ! WHAT A SWEET CHILD! WHAT SWEET CHILDREN! WHAT A LOSS TO THE WORLD! And again, as always, the BITTER AND CRUEL INJUSTICE: HE LOVED LIFE SO MUCH AND SO MANY LOVED HIM! and HE’S gone! WTF it this “Creation” all about… really? Just MISERY! But I have the photo AND I see that a tree was planted in Israel in his name via a Reform synagogue in Monroe! Ah… at least there’s ONE tie to his Heritage… no particular thanks to his mother. Anyway… I’m going to put the photo here so I have a copy (and this one, his mother can’t take from me!):

(I can only hope that they know I Love them both, and that their mother didn’t poison their minds against me.)

17.46 Sitting here in the damned cold! wondering if Silas will be coming at some point this evening (or waltzing in at some ridiculous hour of the night!). But, best of all… the floors got swept (not mopped this week because I don’t care), I got a nice shower in, tossed a wash, strolled to the banque, Wetherby’s and Mac’s… and, as of right now, I’ve eaten (had a nasty pizza and a mug of ice cream) and am down-loading “Flash” to give it a “try”. (Hey… Schmulik got me convinced this morning that I should at least “try” to learn some “new” technologies… so WTF?) – Hilary came in at here usual hour, banged and slammed about, as usual, and then left, as usual. All I keep thinking is that I do hope Don’s daughter moves in… If Hilary is the same way, Don will find out about it and his daughter will too. “Truth will be told. – Meanwhile, it’s so fucking cold in here! The snow started about an hour ago, and it’s sticking again! It makes me VERY UNSETTLED! 45 days more! Damnit! The weather HAS to change! Hopefully I’ll be able to get up to Sherbrooke in the coming week, check-out Chabad up there and see what my chances are of finding some kind of place to “crash”… even for a little while… just in case. No matter what… the “trip” might just be a delight… and a way to pass some time… NOT IN THIS HOUSE! Sherbrooke is some 120km up… just about the same distance to Montréal!!! Sutton is only 20.If it takes me 2,5hrs to get to Sutton… THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE LONG TRIP! I’ll be watching for REALLY GOOD weather next week… and? Well… if Silas comes to take any furniture on this week-end… no doubt the computer will go and I’ll have NO COMMUNICATION with ANYBODY! Hell! If that’s the case… never mind Sherbrooke! I’ll just head right straight to HOME HOME HOME! Fuck him. Fuck this house. Fuck it ALL! – 19.19 The snows have stopped and left only traces on the streets. The sun is just setting and the house is quite. I put the heat up a bit… I’ve had MORE than ENOUGH of this COLD! – Schmulik is on-line (e-mail) and Skype (away). No sign of Silas on either so his lap-top isn’t running but there’s no telling where he might be. – A bit of a discovery this evening: I showered SO well this afternoon! Scrub-scrub here and a scrub-scrub there… but none of those tra-la-las… but my body gives off the “aroma” of what I recall from my “Calvary” days and many of my patients: that “decaying” scent… “pungent-sweet decay”. It’s not in the clothes… they’re clean. (I think Donnie-boy just slowly drove past… it’s too dark to see who was in the truck, but I just got that “gut” feeling…) Hmmm… HOPE! – I’m going to post this to the Journal now and get on with this “Shabbat”. The ***** IDUS MARTIAS ***** is not over yet… there’s still time for disaster to strike… CAVE! CAVE! CAVE! ***** IDUS MARTIAS *****!!!!! – 0.37 Very interesting: Serious knife-stabs in the chest… left side. I was just up-dating here, doing the front page. BOOM! SLAM! BANG! I can only hope. – Snow fell again. The streets are covered softly. – Once again, a night with-out communications. The world is pre-occupied. Silas lied. He’d said he’d be here tonight. Lies. – I want to go HOME. That’s all. Time to stop thinking about “others”. I sit here, alone, listening to “Gens du pays”. Time to stop thinking about “others”. Like “others” are so concerned… – Tonight won’t be a night down-stairs. Tomorrow I have a LOT to accomplish and to decide. – I want to put my fist through a wall. I want to hurt… me. I want to go HOME. And I’m HERE! And it’s THERE! And we are so close! And I will NOT go farther away! I WILL NOT! Time to pull back into that person who got me into, through and out of the Shelter… NOT “others”. THAT “ME” got me through everything… ALONE! Time to go back to “HIM”… and WE will go HOME.

Sat.16.Mar: 11.17 Last night, I slept on the cot… It took a lot to get sufficiently numb and tired to do it, and I have to admit, walking up and down the stairs… well… it was all in anger. But that’s what it’s ALL like these days… unadulterated anger! So many times I just want to put my fist through a wall! So many times I want to throw something! It’s ALL ANGER now, and it’s manifesting in my physical being… I can sense “rot”… physical rot. – It was after midnight when I climbed the stairs… fell asleep with the light on. I don’t care. And this morning, I was up before 7.00. “Sleep” is not restful any more. Ii don’t care. – Something is not “right” here… the only mail that’s been delivered all week is “junk”. I can’t imagine that there isn’t anything else. For one, I should be getting a notice from unemployment! I’m sure there’s more. I watch the carriers slow down in front of the house and look… and pass by. And now I’m wondering if something hasn’t been done to stop delivery of first class mail. I don’t trust anybody these days… nobody. – OH! And a TRUE KICK IN THE BALLS? THIS MORNING I NOTICED THAT THE SEEDS FROM NANCY HAVE SPROUTED!!! LITTLE ORANGE TREES ARE BEGINNING TO GROW!!! ONLY TO DIE NOW… just like everything else around here… everything else. It makes me sick… truly, physically, sick. – Oh, and it’s snowing again this morning. -6C and light snow. Tonight, to -10C. No “warmer” temperatures until… the 28th!!!!! THIS is making me even MORE ill! And snow in the forecast for the coming Tue-Thu. My only hope to salvage ANYTHING here is the tax returns… BOTH of them! But I know the Fed is a shot deal. The State isn’t very much, but maybe just enough to cover… I don’t even know what. I can’t plan. – I’ve started to pack “my” room. I have no idea what I’m going to do with anything. All thoughts return to the one: HOME… one way or another… HOME. – For some reason, I’d like to get everything here into Queens. But there’s no way of doing that. One car, one trip, it would be all finished. So simple… so easy… so impossible. And I don’t know why I want to get it all into storage… just the idea that “my insignificant life” will be all together in one place. I don’t know why… I just feel it would be better that way. Today, it would be nice if ONE of the people who’d offered to help bring things up here would come through and offer to bring “here” to “there”. I don’t even consider Silas… I KNOW what I’ll hear from him: “The car won’t make the trip.” And the “offer” to arrange for a rental? I told him I’ll pay for it. Nothing… nothing at all. (And to think: people get all bent when I say I trust no-one.) – It’s 1.22 on Sunday… another day completely wasted because I just can’t get my brain to function. Over-load. Burn-out. Apathy. Ambiguity. – The only thing I can think of is: it’s going to kill me… leaving this close to HOME. I’m not leaving… I can’t. I just can’t. Nobody understands this. Nobody wants to understand any of it. They all think it’s “cute”, They make trite of it. Nobody even wants to try to understand it. I’m so close to HOME damnit! I can’t leave. I just can’t. And I’m not even thinking about it. When I walk out this door, I’m heading right up that road to HOME. Finished. Eventually I’ll become part of the soil, the elements that feed the trees. And my soul will be able to roam where-ever it wants to. And none of me will ever… never come to this place again. I cannot be so far away again. And I won’t. – Abbie, at Mayhew’s, gave me a bit of “Hope” tonight. If I can afford it, I may be able to leave this house, stay here, for a while. I just have to figure out how to afford it. But… no matter what… I AM GOING HOME! I’d like to go in comfort. But at the rate the weather is going and the time is soaring by, I’ll settle for simply… going HOME. I AM NOT passing THIS opportunity by. – Time for a nap. Silas said he’d be here on Friday. It’s Sunday morning. Once again, I’m a shit. Fine. Typical. Not a problem. It’s this place… this country… this life. Typical. I’m not disappointed. Nothing changes here. – Too bad Pauline and her PQ won’t listen to me. But… I’ve got one up on all of them. I’ll be there. They just won’t know it.

Sun.17.Mar: 9.17 (No matter how much or how little sleep I manage to get each night, every morning is the same: I wake EXHAUSTED! This morning was no different at 7:00. What’s more, I find that it’s difficult to type anything… I keep making errors that I’m completely unaware of! – I’ve just spent the last 90 minutes reviewing the “new” Flash program… seems I vaguely recall some of the functions but there have been changes over the years and… well… it wasn’t too bad. – News? Flurries again this morning! I was contemplating an escape to HOME today… well… not happening because of the snow and…) Since I didn’t receive any word from unemployment, I went to the site just now to file… THEY CLOSED IT! NO INCOME! NOTHING! TRAPPED! TRAPPED! TRAPPED! I was budgeting the unemployment into sending some boxes to Schmulik and one to Nancy this coming week! IF it became necessary, I was thinking of, perhaps, taking a room, temporarily, here in town for a short while. Well… this morning there will be no shipping, no room… I don’t understand… I filed to re-open the case, on-line, and there’s a telephone number to call… I’ll do that tomorrow morning. Leave it all to happen on a Sunday when offices are closed. Meanwhile, I’m typing almost completely blind. My head is pounding in time with my heart-beats, my arms are cramping and so are my hands. And I don’t know why I’m typing this… just for my own satisfaction, I suppose. All I keep thinking is “TRAPPED!” and now it’s so true. There is no way out of this now… No one to talk to or with about any of this. Just me. The house is empty, silent and cold. And here I am, just really and truly empty, solo and alone, with a brain that’s right at the razor edge of shutting down completely. Interesting. There’s no other way to describe it but “painful” and “interesting”. I don’t know what to do at this point. And I can’t understand why I wasn’t notified of any decision. There hasn’t been any mail at all the whole week, and no e-mails… nothing… just being locked-out on the Internet and a blank for “benefit rate”. Blank… locked-out… and nothing to say, no-where to turn. Wow. 13.32 WELL! MUCH PACKING IS DONE! And even the little shelves that I had some clothes on are packed back into their original box. (And the sun is just breaking through the clouds… how delightful.) Why? I have no idea. But aside from the constant urge to vomit, and the feeling that my chest is about to implode, and my guts are about to explode… the rest of me has shut down. I don’t care and I can’t care any longer. There are a few more things to be packed-up and away, and the luggage to get re-packed. But there’s still a bit of time for that. The bulk is done. The art-work, save the fleur de lis, is “gone”. I’ve no idea what is to become of any and all of this but the interesting thing is: everything I have to my name here… fits into one very small corner of the room. Quite amazing, really. No furniture… just nothing. – I see no e-mails… and the only one connected to Skype is Nancy. Very empty world today. Yep… very empty. Oh well. When things come down to where I actually could use a bit of support, a bit of conversation, some desperately needed diversion (I have to smile at this point, and I am smiling), everybody disappears. It’s really rather amazing. But, no it’s not; not any more. 58 years of it. It’s not amazing. It isn’t even worth mentioning. – Well, gee, let’s see if Silas shows today. I hope not. I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t really want anybody around. I thought of ringing Fran. But I don’t want her to hear anything in my voice. She’s got more than her share of miseries these days. And she’s receptive… she’ll hear something in my voice and I don’t want that. I’ll have to wait… see if my mood swings into something better, more suitable to “chit-chatting”. Maybe then, if it’s not too late. – Well… off to see what distractions and diversions I can throw into the rest of this day. There must be something stupid I can squeeze some bit of “pleasure” out of. – 20.53 I just can’t stop the shivering tonight. Just so tired of always being so cold. One more episode on “Allo Allo” as a distraction, then, hopefully “my” room will be warmer. – A lonely day… empty. This is incredible. But I did manage to create something in “Flash” and was amazed by how much I remember… once I got into it. Even Schmulik was impressed. One e-mail from him, one from Nancy. A couple of lines with Nancy on Skype. – Winter storm due on Tuesday through Thursday. This cold weather has GOT to stop… SOON! I’m not looking forward to being cold… again. I have no idea how much oil is left for heat. And I don’t look forward to cold on the mont. Just tired… so tired. – Enough for tonight. Perhaps more tomorrow.

Mon.18.Mar: 8.05 Tired. And my stomach is churning. Woke this morning, at about 5.30 with CRAMPS. Incredible cramps. Bolted to the loo, just in time. It’s just getting worse. I keep telling myself it’s all about my perception of the situation and that I can change it. But it doesn’t work anymore. It’s just all getting so much worse. Down. I just keep dropping further and further… down. – 22.13 And what a day this turned out to be! – At just about 9.20, Don showed again. Honestly? I expected him this morning. Don’t ask how… I just did. And he didn’t disappoint. Another “appointment” to have the windows measured. Well, this time the guy actually showed. So for an hour, the 2 of them roamed about the place, measuring windows. But before the guy showed, I got to chat with Don… he talks to me like one of the town’s folk. When he asked about Silas, I told him… WTF? Why not? Silas has no troubles telling my life to others… and he doesn’t have a clue about the reality of my existence. Anyway, Don says “People don’t understand, you have to be tough to live here. You don’t seem to mind it at all.” (The house was unusually warm this morning… but it was still quite chilly enough for Don to keep his coat on.) Nice compliment. I went back to working on the computer and listening to the CBC… in French. Don came in with the guy and said “I don’t understand a word of that.” meaning the CBC. And we got into a bit of a chat about Québec, French and the North Country. They left. – Then comes “THE NEWS”! At about 10.45 I finally got to ring Unemployment. Kristen, nice lady, tells me that a “determination” on my benefits was made on Thursday. She didn’t know what the determination was but told me that I should receive it today or tomorrow. She then got my claims up-dated. We chatted very briefly about the coming storm and… just as the conversation ended… KNOCK at the door! Tim, come to deliver a “Certified” from the DoL. I signed, came in, opened it… DISQUALIFIED AND THEY EXPECT ME TO PAY OVER 1846$! ANOTHER VERMONT FUCK! SO… I IMMEDIATELY got to filing for the appeal! It took the better part of the day to get things together, including all the points I had to mention. I included a screen-cap of the transcribed messages from HISC! Bitches! TWO months of everything being fine and NOW they change their story? I think NOT! – Ah… but then… but THEN: – 12.11 and an e-mail from Schmulik! HE SPOKE WITH MARTIN ABOUT OFFERING ME WORK if I go back to NYC! AND… so far… Martin said he’d hire me… maybe not full-time but there’s a JOB to be had in NYC! Do I want to go? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! BUT… I AM SO COMPLETELY DUMBFOUNDED… SOMEBODY ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING TO HELP ME! AND OF ALL PEOPLE… MOTEK! I’m still not able to wrap my brain around this… He DID something to help me… not just lip-service! I’m SO NOT used to this! I sent him an e-mail to thank him, but I just couldn’t find the words. Then, we had a chat on Skype for over an hour. He’s all ready for me to go back to NYC. We both agreed on one very important point: There’s NOTHING here for me in Vermont and it would be best to go back to NYC, get a PAYING job, save money and THEN think about going to Québec. Well, it’s true. It would be the best way. Shit! I could go to NYC, work myself half to death, scrimp and scrape and, as I thought to myself as I went to sleep last night: DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET ENOUGH TO GO HOME, IN COMFORT! Not necessarily to Montréal… since it’s not the city I lived in (but then… neither is NYC). But to find a nice little place, even in les Cantons… just to be sure I’m back on HOME soil. It wouldn’t take long in NYC to make enough. Of course, finding a place to live in is going to be close to impossible. But IF the Internet service is continued here through April, I stand a chance (THAT will take A LOT OF CONVINCING Silas… I KNOW he wants to cut it… even now! And with unemployment cut? THIS isn’t only the kick in my balls when it comes to figuring how to move things from here to NYC… not to mention… moving just ME out of here… with NO help at all. I can’t even offer him the money to keep the Internet going… which is going to be a sharp blade across my face. Ah… things cannot simply go even close to well. No good news with-out a kick in the balls.) Anyway… the thought of going back to NYC makes me sick… BUT AT LEAST THERE’S AN OPTION FOR A CHANGE… AND SOMEBODY ACTULLY “DID” SOMETHING TO HELP ME! I still can’t get over that! Well, now I need to get the room packed and ready… WHY? I’m not sure. I still have no way of getting me or anything else to NY. And now, with unemployment cut? But still… SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING! IMAGINE THAT!!! – And so, the day went along… cold in the house like insanity. Tomorrow starts the next “Winter Storm” that’s now expected to dump another 30cm or more of snow over the next 3-4 days! I’m tired of this! I need better weather! I need to get the hell out of this house… one way or another… soon! – And Silas was on Skype for most of the day… sent only a brief message this morning. He was also on e-mail most of the day… nothing. Well… I don’t have to acknowledge and I don’t have to respond or anything and to be honest? I have no intention of doing anything of the kind. – I have a feeling Hilary is staying in BTV in case of the storm so I’ll be here alone for the week. GOOD! FUKKEMALL! – On that note, I’ve have enough of this cold house. I’m going up to the mess that used to be the room that I loved and looked forward to being in. At least it’s warm in there. And I’ll see to it that it stays that way for as long as I sleep there. – Today, Schmulik and I discussed: I got MYSELF ALONE OUT OF THE SHELTER. That ME MUST RETURN! NOW! And what that “ME” decides to do from now on is what I will do! (Including going HOME… before the end of March or April…)

Tue.19.Mar: 11.37 I’ve been up from since 7, spent most of the morning on Tumble for a change. Just in a “ME” frame of mind. – The snow was only whisps when I went to “cot” last night (rather early too, for me of late). But once it began, it didn’t let up… all through the night. This morning, the street was already quite messy and the very tips of the grass that had been “lawn” for a while was all that could be seen. And it hasn’t stopped… The street is now completely covered, the grass is gone and it’s still falling. I logged onto to NOAA weather station “from the top of Mount Mansfield”: snow, snow, snow and more snow. It’s not expected to stop until Thursday. These are the times when even the thought of leaving here is so painful that I HAVE to divert my attention, distract my thoughts because I can’t bear it. I do NOT want to leave the North Country!!!!! But, if I’m to ever be here, if I’m ever to get HOME, I MUST get to where I can accumulate enough to make it so that I will be comfortable, and depend on ABSOLUTLEY NOBODY ELSE FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! This morning I put my head into the frame of mind that kept me alive when-ever I’d have to leave Québec: This will be a temporary working visit. Go to NYC to work. Take a place in which to reside, temporarily, until the work requirement is done. Then GET THE FUCK OUT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! And that is what is to be done. No “assimilating”. No being convivial. No “jolly”. No “nice”. Just go, do, get out! I dread going into that cesspool. “My” NYC is SO completely gone now. Nothing remains of the place I lived in for most of my life. I go… hating every moment of the preparation and the thought of being there. True: I now “Hate” NYC. But, it is where I can make things better and will. I got myself out of the Shelter with NOT ONE MOMENT of help from ANYBODY! I will go to NYC and I will get myself out of there again. – I must be fair though. I actually am in clinical “SHOCK”… Schmulik has been, in the truest sense of the term, “INCREDIBLE”! Even again today he sent word that he’s got people looking for work AND a place to stay so that my “re-integration” (my term) will be seamless and prompt. NEVER BEFORE has ANYBODY actually DONE something FOR me! And yes, I am in shock… and yes, admittedly, I wonder why. But above and beyond all else, I am SO GRATEFUL! – I actually just went to the cellar this morning: Between 3/8 and 1/4 tank of oil left! There should be quite enough to last through this storm and then a bit more. There won’t be much left when I walk out of here though. I’m going to see to that. – Well… time to enjoy more of this day. With this weather, I can KNOW, for a fact, that I’ll be alone… and I won’t mind it one bit today. I am here, in my “North Country” with all sorts of “warnings” and “advisories” in the air… and I am comfortable for now. I will LOVE this for as long as I have it… and as far as the rest of the world is concerned? I just don’t care… truly. – PS: The “Flash” drive was due to be delivered by today at the latest. I wonder… and I doubt it. But it better get here SOON! “Time” is something I’ve never been blessed with. – (Oh, and I get an acknowledgement of receipt of my “appeal”! May it happen quickly and beneficially.) – 19.32 Interesting: The only one who’s been on-line all day is Nancy. Schmulik was on earlier but then he disappeared… Silas hasn’t been on all day. Neither Schmulik nor Silas on Skype nor e-mail. Interesting. – Meanwhile, the snow is still coming with no signs of stopping. And an earlier weather report calls for a ‘colder than normal” April. FUKME! – I HAVE to wash the dishes. AND… believe it or not… there’s only 2 tins of soup and a tin of salmon left in my “larder”. Food’s out. – 20.00 The raging bitch of the second floor made it to the house tonight. What a bloody shame. And as usual, it STORMS in, up the stairs, pounding and thrashing. Tonight? I have no patience for this shit. If anything negative is said to me… it will be MY turn to take matters to court. THIS is MY turning point. The only time I’m worth the effort of a line or two is when somebody wants to bitch… about me, usually. Well… bitch on and bitch away. I have no ill feelings toward this place… yet. Go ahead… make my year and a half and I’ll fuck you all harder than I’ve fucked anything in my entire existence. – OK… it’s late. The entire day has been a waste… mostly me watching Brit-coms. I don’t care. I took a day for ME! “Meal” was a tin of black bean soup with some grated cheese and Mae West for dessert. Sad… very, very sad… I say “Au revoir” to them again. I say that to ALL that has brought me even moments of any Joy here. The days keep running by so quickly now. The whole thing crushes my chest, my heart, my mind. I’m not looking forward to going to NYC. I HATE that place now more than ever before. There’s none of “my” NYC left and I don’t like what’s taken its place. For a brief while, I thought of the excitement of renting a room there. I found a place where rooms can be found, in The City and The Bronx for about 600$/month. But then the reality hit: A ROOM! In somebody’s flat! No more going to sleep when I’d like and waking when I’d like. No more being able to fix coffee in the morning and relaxing before heading into the world. Sleep deprivation. Peace deprivation. Even if I am to stay by Chris and Schmulik “for a couple of days” (as he put it)… “sleeping” on the sofa.. being out the door and out of everybody’s way for the day-into-night. I don’t know that I’ll have a key. I don’t know that I’ll be trusted to be in the flat alone. More days of wandering about, looking for work… looking for places to simply go and sit. More time alone… wandering. I don’t know that I’m fit for that any more. So today I resolve: Time will tell me where I am to go and what I am to do. NY or HOME… Time will tell… all.

Wed.20.Mar: 11.14 I’VE BEEN PACKING ALL MORNING! – Spring… Printemps… Frühjahr… BULLSHIT! I HAD TO SHOVEL SNOW AGAIN! Only the front “walk” of course, but it’s over a metre high! La chienne Hilary got out this morning. BFD. And me? I just packed and packed and packed… until there’s only some clothes I might need and a few little tid-bits here and there. I could very well just sit in a corner and die right about now. All I keep thinking is: I have no-where to to go to and no way to get any of my things to any-where. But, there’s a wash in as I type… coffee is being made… AND IT’S SNOWING AGAIN! OK THEN! – Schmulik is the only one on e-mail, Nancy is the only one on Skype. And the world is a very empty place. – Nothing more to be said about this morning. – The electric company just drove by the front of the house. My gut wrenches when they do. I wonder if they’re coming to disconnect the service. I’ve no idea what has and what hasn’t been paid. I have no idea what sort of shit is planned as far as Don replacing windows and finishing floors. I am a non-existent entity… something along the lines of quantum physics: existent only in the mind of he who plays with hypotheses. I am hypothetical.

Life Ends… as Spring Begins

17.30 Just back from the market… at last. Went out in the falling snow. Came back in the falling snow. Sitting here watching the falling snow. How I LOVED this! How I looked forward to it. How I always welcomed it. And how I used to revel in the “late” snows. It’s SO beautiful. Truly it is. But it reminds me that I won’t see it again, this coming Winter. And that hurts. Well… 2 Vermont Winters. I guess I’ve done OK. – HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY… NANCY! A CALL FROM NANCY! VOICE! WE CHATTED! Kriste! It was SO good to hear her voice! Truly did my entire body a world of good. And SHE RANG HER SON IN TROY (NY… not to be confused with VT) to ask if HE could help me when the time comes to leave here! Once again… I just go into shock… clinical shock. I can’t help but wonder: was this shit I’ve gone through in VT the “penance” that was due for something I’d done SO terrible at some point in my life and MAYBE now, things will change? Or, is it Creations way of saying “Sorry… no… you can’t stay so close to HOME, but we’ll make it a bit nicer when you have to leave.” I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I’m GRATEFUL BEYOND WORDS! – Meanwhile, I have to get my head around the fact that the move-out date isn’t with-in the week. It’s so over-powering that each moment feels like I should be moving things to the front porch to have them ready. And all the while, in the back of my mind I keep hearing “Any minute now, the car or truck will be pulling up and BANG! Everything in the house will be dragged out.” I keep sitting here, waiting for that moment… or… for the message to come (e-mail or Skype) “Will be up today/tonight to move everything out.” Of course, that would be “considerate”… and “considerate” definitely isn’t the norm. It will be more like: the car drives into the drive, boom boom on the back porch, I open the door, he comes in, goes right for what-ever’s left in the house and as he does he tells me that he’s taking it all in this one trip. – 19.43 Frozen pizza in the oven. I’m beat! And I have a wash to get done… clothes AND ME! We’ll see… – 23.28 and MUCH later than I’d expected to be awake. But I had wonderful chat (video yet!) with Motek this evening, and wonderful “chat” on Twtr with someone in Austin TX (on the Homeless issues, of course). And the conversation seems to be rolling along and I’m too into it to stop it! Kind, sweet, compassionate, caring people out there. How WONDERFUL! My Mum is still very much ALIVE in Creation! Maybe that sounds a bit silly, but when people show kindness for no reason other than the fact that they believe that’s the way it should be… well… Mum! That was her! It always gets to me. But tonight, more than usual, there’s somebody “out there” who’s just touch me so deeply: Instead of just jaunting about, handing socks and token crap to the Homeless people in her area, she actually gives them “back-packs” with toiletries and things that I remember I would have been THRILLED to have: the back-pack to begin with, tooth-paste, tooth brush, floss, band-aids! SUNSCREEN! SOAP and WASHCLOTH. Nail file. Vitamins! Water bottle! This woman just amazes me! AND… she does it to continue her father’s works. Well hey! Of course, getting into all of this with her tonight (as it does always when I think back to those days) is painful in its own way. But I just can’t help but feel good knowing that there’s somebody who truly gives a shit! Imagine me: TWO PEOPLE in this HUGE World… I’ve met TWO people who are actually “Caring” and “Compassionate”! And at a time when I SO needed to know this. I can’t help but think of the story I read somewhere… I wish I could remember where…

A person (woman, I think it was) goes to a Rabbi in time of great need and depression. She says that she has prayed to God for a sign, a word, some help, but she gets nothing in reply. – The Rabbi asks her to tell him about the situation and what’s been going on through her hard times. The woman tells him that she’s been feeling so abandoned by God, that her prayers are useless and that she’s even talked about her feelings with friends and such. – Ah, says the Rabbi, tell me about these friends. – Well, says the woman, she has a small circle of people with whom she gets together every once in a while for lunch or coffee or just to talk with on the phone. And, she goes on to say, that through them, she’s managed to meet other people with whom she gets along very well. Some ring her to ask if there are things she needs and such. – Well, says the Rabbi, did you ever stop to take the time to think: In your time of “need” you prayed to God for help… You didn’t get the kind of reply or response you obviously expected but I would say to you: When we pray to God for help or support, we tend to expect something Biblical, something super-natural like a voice coming out of the heavens or a light or dream or apparition; but that’s not necessarily how God works; you see, when you were in time of need and prayed to God for some kind of answer, solution, support, God DID hear and DID answer… God sent those people into your life… those “people” are the words you were expecting to hear.

Well, tonight I would have to say that even though I haven’t asked God or anybody else for that matter, somehow, somewhere in the Great Metaphysical, my thoughts are being heard and just when I’m at the point of being convinced beyond any doubt that there is no one who cares enough to even try to offer even the slightest bit of encouragement or Hope… Nancy, Schmulik, and tonight, this stranger on Twtr. There IS “Caring” and “Compassion” in the world! And while I’m at it here… another conversation with ANOTHER somebody on Twtr… MORE Compassion! Hey! It’s not the instant, full-comfort solution to my problems these days, but SHIT! It’s almost incredibly WONDERFUL to know that there are SOME others who give a shit about somebody other than “Self”. (Even though Schmulik is still trying to stop me from being… well… and he’s right in all respects… so giving and caring about everybody else that I put myself in situations where I’m actually a detriment to me. He’s actually trying to make be believe that my existence is necessary… Ah… give him credit. He’s got over 50 years of “me” to battle… Lost cause. But it’s nice to know he actually cares.) – OK. Wrap-up and A bit of a report here… the book… THE BOOK! Just from what I “know”: 2 copies in NYC, 1 in Florida, another 1 in Baltimore and tonight another 1 in Austin! How I wish I could keep track of the people who buy the book and send them personal “Thank You”. (I wonder if all authors feel this way after their first book.) Well… as I said on Twtr tonight: it’s not just about the “royalties”… the stories of the guys are out now. I promised I’d write the book. I did. People are reading it. THAT was my BIGGEST promise in all my life… and now… it’s done.

Thu.21.Mar: 18.15 I just can’t get over how quickly a day goes bylately! Of course it does… each day that passes gives me one less day of being able to enjoy this place. GOD FORBID I should ENJOY! REALLY! – OK. Lights out on the pity-party. – The snow stopped over-night and today the sun shone in a crystal clear blue sky all day! The roads and streets are actually DRY! (Of course, there’s more snow coming in the next couple of days, but WTF?) As I look out the window now, the “light” is so like Summer… that certain “tone” to it. And of course, the house is warm now… I had the heat up during the day for “personal time”… so it truly IS more like a Summer evening in here! It’s been a long, long time since I was actually “warm enough”… in fact, maybe a bit too warm (the thermothingie reads 66F! OMFG!). But that’ll change rapidly as the evening wears on. – And so… the day? The day. Happy to announce that I’m sitting here now, showered, clean, hair-cut (I’m not too thrilled yet with my decision on this “new style” but after a bit of work, it will either improve or I’ll simply cut it all down and what-ever), beard and moustache trimmed, teeth all shiny clean. Clean clothes. Made a wash. (Tomorrow I’ll do the cot linens as well.) Yes, I cranked the heat up and had at it today. Why? Don’t know, really. There’s a little bit of me that keeps telling me… DEMANDING, actually… that I MUST pull what little I have left of me together and make it appear that I’m “civil”. It won’t be long and I’ll be back on the NYC streets. NOT that I HAVE to impress anyone. I never did that before and I’m certainly not about to start now. But I should at least look “urbanish”. I mean, I’d do it in half a snap were it for Montréal. NYC isn’t worth the bother, the effort or the time for thought. But still. I am the child of a Bronxite and SHE deserves that much respect. So I did it. – A very late breakfast (at almost 15.00) so I have no idea what I’ll do for “dinner” tonight. Probably won’t bother at all. – OH! And the Flash drives (THREE OF THEM!!!) arrived today! I’ve been “cleaning” MY files off the computer as well. HOUSE-CLEANING! What a RELIEF!!!!! – One “bad” bit about it all though: going into “my” room just rips my soul to shreds! And looking out the window this morning at the snow and ice and blue skies just PUNCHED me in the chest! How strange: I don’t hate this place, and I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE!!!!! I walk through this house thinking of going back to living(?) in a box, stacked on another box, with more boxes all around me. Millions of nasty, ugly, apathetic people just roaming all over, completely oblivious to anything, everything, anybody and everybody around them… most of them NOT “New Yorkers”, and a Mayor who, just the thought of his name makes my stomach wrench. In some respects I know I’m going to what actually is “home”… but none of me is looking forward to it with any excitement at all. In fact, the idea nauseates me terribly. And I walk into “my” little room and BANG-SLAM! There it is: everything packed and stacked in a corner, ready to be dragged out. Miserable. Just miserable. No… I do NOT “like” Vermont… the State. The State should be destroyed as far as I’m concerned. A complete and utter waste. But the scenery, and even the people up here in Franklin have been marvellous. (OK… save for Don who’s just been, as far as I’m concerned, back-stabbing, lying, 2-faced, selfish… but that’s him and not the others here in town.) And this Winter HAS been remarkably wonderful… SNOW! ICE! COLD! ENERGISING! And then there’s the walks to HOME. THEY aer going to be gone… and that actually frightens me… to the point where I can feel my heart beat in my nose, behind my eyes, in my ears. I know I just have to focus on using the time in NYC to get (no matter how) all that I need, as quickly as possible, so that that time is brief and I can bolt out for THE LAST TIME! But it doesn’t make this any easier… I’m sorry to say. If I could find a way, I’d stay here in Richford. But that doesn’t seem to be at all possible… not at this point anyway.So? So… I just need to do what it takes to put this whole ordeal into come little compartment, off to the side where it won’t get out and into the conscious, face the future with that stoicism I’ve grown so tired of over the course of my life-time and go into what-ever is to come and again… USE IT FOR ALL I CAN GET OUT OF IT so that I can GET OUT OF IT QUICKLY and GET BACK TO THE NORTH COUNTRY! – That said… there’s “work” to be done here this evening and the night is coming… although, at 18.41 it’s actually still so very light out there! (I’m being ROBBED of Spring… and a Summer that could have been WONDERFUL. – OK OK OK… as I thought earlier this afternoon… Summer… BACK TO SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN! OK! There is THAT!)

Fri.22.Mar: 15.35

Another day slips by. I woke at about 7.00 and, as is my usual routine, headed down the stairs, got the coffee and went directly to the computer to check e-mails, Skype and Twitter. It’s Friday… I always wonder if “Wonder Boy” will bother coming to look at the place. Ah… but as I thought today: what-ever might go “wrong” with this place… I’m only remotely connected and ultimately not responsible. So? So… In all honestly though, I really can’t complain… it’s probably more peaceful this way. I don’t know why he’d want to avoid me… and that’s how it seems of late. The only real troubling concern is that he’ll just show up and pull things from the house and say nothing. It is to be expected. – Meanwhile… last night when I went up-stairs to sleep…

THE ICICILES hanging from the edge of the roof! It’s breath-taking! Astonishing! Amazing! It’s such a wonder to be able to lay down and just marvel at them as I drift off to sleep. (Something I won’t be doing much of in a very short while.) And I keep thinking: Gee, I’ve been seeing this all Winter whilst some-one else has been enjoying the warmth of… Imagine how it would have been had he actually been here all Winter? ’tis a laugh, indeed. Alas… At least I had THIS Winter to enjoy. Then to wake in the morning to these same icicles, only in the morning, to see them in the light! The are, all too simply, astounding! And so beautiful! – And so, the day went right along and I spent SO MUCH TIME getting files off the computer and onto the little Flash drive. I will be able to take it ALL with me! In my pocket! Unlike every bit of my life before… gone, gone, gone… I’ll take this with me (where-ever I might be going to when I leave here). No more leaving the fruits of my labour for some-one else. (I can’t help but wonder who got all the rest and what they thought when they saw some of those files. HAH! Hopefully there was at least ONE heart attack.)– Also managed to “tidy” the house. Just a broom-sweep today. Did a small wash… the cot linens… needed “freshening”. Done. No major cleaning any more. I’ll do a good once-over before I leave. Period. End. – Other-wise… I’ve just been cold all day, trying to keep awake. It’s got to be hypothermia that knocks me out after a while. Hell… I can put an episode of “Allo Allo” on and 2 episodes later I find me opening my eyes in wonder. Same shit happens with “QI” and those run longer! Terrible, how I can sit in the chair and in moments, be dead asleep and not even remember falling asleep. Even right now I’d like to “nap”. Cold. – But the transfer of files is done! Hurray! – 16.02 Ms. Stompsalot has returned up-stairs. Making a wash, I think. Hopefully she’ll do it and get out! – More files to work on. More web-development as well. – 23.51 It’s a very bad night tonight. I want so much to throw something, to yell something, to damage something… to hit someone. Anger… that’s all I have right now… anger. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to stay in Vermont, but I don’t want to leave this house… a house …. a HOUSE! and, believe it or not, I don’t want to leave Richford! I like it here. I happen to like it here very much. And for some reason, tonight I feel consumed… by HATE! Not for the people of Richford, and not really for this house… just this “wash” of Hate that comes over me because I just don’t have enough time to get things together and make them work. And this shit with Home Instead Senior Care suddenly changing their report about my eligibility for chomage after a couple of months… AND that THEIR words should be taken over mine and I should be found “guilty” once again, of something I have nothing to do with… It’s the politics of this State.. This State should eat shit and die! And as for Home Instead? Well… why even bother to say? They’re no different from the others who accused me of all sorts of shit… the others… including Silas who hasn’t bothered to even drop a line. But the problem with these bouts of anger is that I get the urge to THROW something… I just suddenly NEED to THROW something, to hear something SMASH against a wall, the sound, the energy, the destruction. There’s a LOT of RAGE built-up inside and it’s wanting to be released… and then the mood passes. – (Sat) Well… Ms. Shit did leave after about an hour and the house went quiet for the day. I continued organising all the files that I’ve accumulated on the computer, backed-up many from over the course of the year or so. It’s all about the “time” I have here to get all of this done… And there’s the stress now of trying to get Schmulik’s web-site done before the soft-ware trial runs out. And he doesn’t seem to understand about that. Oh well… when the “time” comes… – This evening I was looking forward to having a chat with Schmulik… and Nancy. Nancy and I did get to pass a few comments back and forth but she’s been working so hard these weeks and is SO tired at day’s end… I do understand that, I know what it’s like. Kriste! If anybody knows what it’s like to be that exhausted at day’s end! I miss the change to “chat” with her, and with the uncertainties coming, I don’t know if/when I’ll be able to do so in a matter of days from now. But at least we got a few lines back and forth this evening. – Then came the “call” with Schmulik. Round about 19.30 or so. He was already, let’s call it “into the Friday night” with his pain management and actually told me “From this moment on I cannot be held responsible for what I might say or do.” WELL? It’s probably better that I’m recounting this the “day after” because at one point he managed to slam right into me: We got talking about my “return” to NYC and, as usual, he’s just full of all sorts of suggestions and recommendations and directions and orders. (I’m not looking forward to this, come the time… I don’t want to leave Richford and he doesn’t understand that; I don’t want to got back to NYC and he won’t understand that; and although he’s been stunning about looking for work for me to begin immediately when I do get back there, there’s no thoughts on HOW I’m supposed to get back there… but that’s not THE biggie…) We got to talking about where I’d eventually settle when things get into swing. I was honest and said that I’d very much like to go back to Rockaway, if that’s at all possible or at the very least, Southern Queens and BANG! “You have to be more realistic about where you will live. The fact is that you’ll probably be working in Manhattan and living in Queens will mean you’ll be commuting an hour and a half if not more each way every day.” Well… I’ve done that and MORE for MOST of my life in NYC (which is CONSIDERABLY LONGER than his couple/few/several years there) and I certainly don’t mind it at all. I told him that if I work in “The City” (a term and distinction he won’t understand and one of THE biggest traits that sets “Real NYers” apart from the “invaders”) I do NOT want to reside in The City… I want to come ‘home’ to quiet, small town, peace. “You can live in Brooklyn. There are still some very quiet areas of Brooklyn. But Queens is too far away.” I WANT ‘far away’. He tells me “You will just have to adjust your attitude about this because it’s no good right now. OH KAY THEN!!! It’s not bad enough that I’m being FORCED to leave this house where I’m comfortable. It’s not bad enough that I MUST leave this town where I actually feel “at home” and get along with the town’s folk. It’s not bad enough that I’m looking at going to a place where I’ll be “residing” in a little box, stacked on and under and in other boxes. It’s not bad enough that I’m giving up being able to stroll quiet streets, country roads, open skies, peace, serenity. It’s not bad enough that I’m losing the ability to simply take a calm stroll back HOME. It’s not bad enough that I’m looking forward to being surrounded by illegal invaders who speak Spanish. It’s not bad enough that I’m going to a place where even the government SHOVES that fucking shit language into my ears, down my throat, up my rectum! Going to a place where what I buy is now government controlled (small sodas, salt content, fact content) and even the volume at which I listen to my music, from my iPod or what-ever is being government controlled. It’s not bad enough that I’m relinquishing the pleasures of serenity in my surroundings. Now I have to “adjust” my “attitude” to fit somebody ELSE’S idea of what’s “good for me”? WOAH! I haven’t even figured how I’m going to relocate yet and already I’m being TOLD where I am to relocate TO? Oh yes? Yes indeed! Right-O there Bucky! Yuppers, you got it. My “attitude” IS “changed” indeed. Right as of NOW… I’m right back to my “original” thoughts and plans for my departure from here and those are the ones I’m sticking with from this point forward. Thanks SO MUCH for “helping” me through this. I could understand that assault IF I was facing an absolute start-date and time on a job, AND an address into which I am to “settle upon arrival”. I could stomach that attitude IF all the re-location plans were settled and I could walk out of this house KNOWING EXACTLY WHERE I WAS GOING. But NONE of that is even close to being settled and my time here is running ever so short with each passing moment of each and every day and there is nothing much more than definite uncertainty… until now. OH HELL NO! This place and time right now might not be exactly the way I’d like it to be, but fuckme, I cannot say that I’m completely miserable here. Nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what I think (in spite of what’s put on this journal), nobody knows how oppressive it is to think about leaving this all behind… in spite of the shit Silas has managed to turn it into right here and how much shit Chittenden has turned it into. I’ve been quite happy here in Franklin, looked forward to Orleans, looked forward to little trips HOME until I can get back to settle for the duration. Nobody knows how painful it is to put out the lights at night and listen to the stillness, look at the natural darkness, or the street light coming in through the window, so softly and quietly… and to know that it’s about to be RIPPED out of my gut! Nobody knows, nobody seems to want to know and it seems that nobody wants to take the time to even consider. No… better to just tell me that I need to adjust my attitude and tell me what’s “best” for me… according to somebody else’s dictates and tastes. Right then. “Time”. We’ll see what comes along… Meanwhile… even if it means hunkering down in the final vestiges of Winter snow… FUCK IT ALL then! – Enough of that. I can’t think about it any longer. I don’t’ know why, exactly, but I notice lately that when I think about all of this too deeply or for too long, oddly enough, the pain starts in my eyes and head, gets sharp in the chest and lately, it runs down my legs and even my feet cramp, right to the toes. And I will NOT take a heart attack in this house, so close to where I SHOULD be. Not now… not because of somebody else. – So, to wind this day up with something a little more “pleasant”? As a diversion, I was on Twtr and noticing how there are people who are re-posting the posts about the book! People I’ve never heard of… people I’ve never “met”! It’s remarkable! Seems the book is finally hitting the “Social Media”! I’m trying to send each one a personal “Thank You” because I do SO much appreciate the fact that these people who know nothing of me and probably nothing about the book are actually being so supportive of it. So, to get my mind off of the tyranny I was being subjected to and to maintain my own composure and not say anything similar to the shit I was being dished, and just out of curiosity, I checked the “sales report” whilst on with Schmulik and to my complete SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT… 7 copies! 7 copies this month! No, it’s not the “answer” or the “solution” to my situation here… it’s not making things any easier (especially since it takes 60 days from the close of the month to receive payments which means 2 sales will be paid in May and March’s sales won’t come until June and that does me no good right now) (and I still have no idea what to do with the income since I do NOT plan to be in a position or situation where it will make any difference at all when the time comes), but WOW! It DOES do me a world of good to think that SOMEBODY cares enough to be interested… and as I’ve said all along: I remember Angel saying how I “NEED” to publish, and Charles saying how good it would be to let people know “OUR” story, and Tony Muscle saying that I’d do ALL the guys in the Shelter a favour by publishing my journal notes, and Aziz thinking it could be turned into a movie or a “Reality” TV show… Well guys? It’s published and there are people who are learning. Hopefully there will be more who’ll want to read it. But one thing for sure, the people who read will talk about what they’ve read.. The story… my story… your story… OUR story is out there. I promised… I delivered. I have Peace of mind and soul… Mum said “If you see something that needs to be done and you can do it, just do it and move on. Don’t think about the thanks; there are no thanks. ‘Do’ because you can and it must be done. That’s all.” Well Mama? The truth needed to be told, these guys needed to let somebody know “them” and what they were/are going through. I suppose I could write and many of them can’t. It needed to be done, I could do it, it’s done. And you’re right: it’s not about the “thanks” because, in the first place, I wouldn’t know where to find any of the guys today; in the second place, I don’t want “thanks” from them… I owe THEM the thanks for supporting me in this and for encouraging me. And most of all, I owe THEM the thanks for allowing me to DO something and for being able to sit here, in this quiet little Vermont town and know: I made a promise, not only to ONE person but to SEVERAL people… and tonight? I KNOW I’VE KEPT THAT PROMISE! And to people to whom it means SO VERY MUCH! Maybe it won’t help each one of them directly… but at least THEIR TRUTHS have been told! – 22.30 Tired. Going to my cot. Bloodyfucking fed right the fuck up! And still no word from Silas! Fed right the bloodyfucking up!

Sat.23.Mar: 6.59

I have no idea why I’m awake. Sleep was not good last night and this morning? Not much better at all. Down to 35 days and no ideas on how to get me and things out of here. No word on the “Hearing” about chomage. – Was just reading today’s entry, last year. To think, it’s been a YEAR since I painted Janice’s room! A YEAR! It went by quickly. Actually, all the time here has gone quickly. It hasn’t been perfect, but it HAS been a LOT nicer since coming up here to this little town. Time… that’s all I need… time. But I don’t have any. None… really. – Well, things to do with this day… not that I care anymore. And in thinking over last night’s event, I’d really just rather throw up, clean up, pack up and walk out the door and away. Let’s see how the weather turns… let’s see who manages to turn a new day into shit… shall we? O yes, let’s shall. – (One note: It’s always been rather funny, in the strangest way… when-ever I get stressed, my moustache starts to itch a bit and hairs go astray. I can see them, there, just below. So I grab hold and pull… and when I’m stressed, 3-4 come right out at with each pull. This morning again, I’ve already pulled at least 15 or more. I guess this is my version of “pulling my hair out”. Humourous.) – It was only about 9.00. I was sitting at the computer, working on this Journal when I see… DON! Pulls up in front of the house, un-announced, un-planned-for of course, then slowly comes into the drive. I bolted from the chair to make sure that the house at least smells “clean” (don’t want to have to hear or read any more “threats” from the Wonder Boy now because of more alleged foul odours in the place and all the shit about “You just cost me…!”). Next thing, another truck pulls in! Ah… long story digest: a guy to look at the place for the aluminium siding. OK! The two of them moseyed and meandered about out-side, did what they had to do and in moments… they were gone. Oh well… Now to see what will follow… After all, I am expecting something or somebody to fuck-up the day. I don’t suppose I should be disappointed. (I just SO want to vomit… and then rub it into the walls, ceilings and floor-boards.) – 10.09 How delightful… light flurries of snow. LET IT FALL!!! – 11.17 Just browsing the latest and greatest on the Twitsline, found something interesting about a new “currency” called “Bitcoin” so I got into a bit of research (my Wall Street roots will never die, it seems). Returned to the Twitsline to notice MORE help coming from SO many “strangers” in the way of posting info about the BOOK! I’m sure nobody will ever believe me but my heart does little “dances”, and I’m on the verge of tears… break-down tears… every time I see a post supporting the book! WOW! ME! A NOBODY! with a story that most of the world doesn’t give a shit about. So, just for the sake of curiosity and a relief from the thoughts of “home invasions” and “how the hell am I going to get out of the mess I’m in” and all the rest of the “pills” I’m trying to take to induce total mental and physical wipe-out, I journeyed over to the “monthly reports”. Well! OMFG! As I clicked for the report, I looked out the window at the blust’ry blowing flurries looking so similar to sand storms of the Sahara only in white and thought, as I closed my eyes “8 would be nice.” with absolutely no thoughts or expectations of that ever even being remotely possible. Well… this morning my personal first “goal” has become a “REALITY”!!! When I published, I privately and silently rather hoped that copies would actually get into the hands and hearts of at least 10 “Caring” people who would have SOME interest in a faction of society that truly deserves attention (especially in these days where the Homelessness can hit anybody, and is striking-down the least suspecting and, in so many ways, the least prepared and those who, in all probability, are least capable of handling the shock). Today, this morning, just now, not only do I have the Peace that’s come from fulfilling a Promise made, but I can now log/journal that my initial “Hope” has become a confirmed reality. It is a day for celebration. (I just wish I had the mind-set to be celebratory.) 10 copies, 10 people reading, 10 people who are or will become aware of a scourge on “Humanity”. I keep thinking of being told “You were in a Homeless shelter… in NYC! You’ll get through all of this with NO trouble!” as if I’ve become so hardened or so incapable of any Human emotions any more. I feel as if people see me as just some useless piece of shit, or even less, who can be tossed about with no thought what-so-ever, like I have no capacity for ANY feelings at all any more. The comments: “You can stay here for a couple of days.” HEY! Don’t inconvenience yourself! Really! And then there’s the comment “You actually LIVED on the GROUND, under a TREE! So you won’t have to get used to it if it comes to doing that again.” As if I look forward to that, and if it happens, it makes NO difference to anybody anyway. But now, this morning, 10 people read this account, and 10 people might just talk about the book to at least one other person… 20 people are now aware of not “my” story alone but the stories of the guys at 30th Street! If those 20 people even talk about the book with 1 other person each… it just grows so exponentially! YES GUYS! WE AREN’T GOING TO BE JUST A STATISTIC FOR MUCH LONGER! SLOWLY BUT SURELY, WE’RE BECOMING “PEOPLE”! HUMAN-BEINGS! In some sort of warped, poetic way… THE GUYS OF 30TH STREET ARE GETTING “SOULS”! THIS IS SO STUPENDOUS! EVEN MY CHARLIE! Accused, tried, found guilty… Now people will get to know the “Charlie” I knew/know. HEY CHARLIE! FUKKEMALL! – I can’t help but think: I’ve done GREAT and NOT for “me”… I’ve done GREAT for the guys, I’ve acknowledged and thanked the CaseWorkers… and this morning I can look out the window, even with the blowing snow, and I can be at REAL PEACE… I CAN walk out this door, no matter what, when “I” feel that the moment is arrived, and I CAN walk away from all of this, at ANY TIME I CHOOSE now… and go HOME. My “work” is done. The book will live on so that others can learn what “the other side” is like, who the “other side” really is. And maybe, just MAYBE, things will change for the better. – Mama? I believe I did OK. On Sunday, 21 August 1988, I told you: Your kids aren’t “perfect” but we’re all pretty damned good. We owe that to YOU… YOU, alone. I remember that night when you and Barbara came to visit me on Creston Av. We went to The Village and “lost” you for a moment… but when we “found” you, you were sitting on the pavement, in front of Smilers, talking with a Homeless man… about the “movie” that was playing. You didn’t argue with him. You talked “with” him! Compassion… I remembered that all through these years. You made an indelible and infinite mark on all of Creation. Today, the best I can Hope for is that somehow, in the course of my “life”, I’ve done something to leave YOUR mark on the World that will continue when I leave it.

Some say they touch the Sky Some say they see the Wind, A whisper of Spring is near, Can you hear it say These are Mulberry days ? Some say they'll understand Some hold an open hand, A shimmer of moonlit haze, Can you hear it say These are Mulberry days ? These are Mulberry days.

And so they have been, here, in this little border town… Richford. And I’ve written a book, I’ve published a book. I’ve lived-up to promises made. It’s good now. Done.

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Sat.23.Mar: 7.08 Really, who am I trying to fool here? Certainly, it would seem I’m trying to make me the idiot. There’s no money coming in any longer. And there’s only 120 in the 5-bottle and about 25 in my pocket. 19 in the banque and that’s it… that’s all of it. This morning, I woke, feeling like complete shit, to the thought: Nancy asked her son to drive me out of here… but… I certainly don’t think she meant that he’d come up here from Troy NY and drive me all the way to Queens! Burlington… to get the train? Perhaps. To Albany to get the train to NYC? Perhaps. That would get ME out of here and on my way but… I don’t have enough money to post/ship my things from here to NYC and I don’t have enough money to get ME from Albany to NYC. I haven’t heard from Silas in almost 2 weeks again. And today is the 23rd of the Month… 35 days until the 27th April which would be the best date for me to get the fuck out of here… All I can do is hope that the weather will take a turn for the better… very quickly. That way I can just go Home… across the border and go Home.

Sun.24.Mar: 9.03 This morning again, I just can’t seem to get “me” together with the physical presence of “me”. Last night/this morning I went to “cot” very much “removed”. It’s a physical sort of sensation: “something”, some part of me, a whole part of me is… well… just not here… not inside me where it should be. Something’s “gone”. I don’t know what it is and I can’t really describe/explain it. But something’s just… “gone”. – I’ve been getting “documents” together, notes for chomage, notes on residential Hx. Interesting notation this morning. Schmulik’s been on me VERY HEAVILY of late about NEVER going back to the Home Care business, NEVER going back to any sort of “work” doing for others because I give too much and get relatively nothing in return except being abused. Peter always told me the same thing. So too, Silas. Ev always… ALWAYS told me that I “under-value” my potential. Called me “underachiever” (and yet, when I asked for a bit more money for the services I provided them, it was all cut off.) This morning, I’m looking at journal notes from June 2011 and again, Penelope chastised me for the very same thing! Yes, it’s true. Yet, I still sit here thinking: I agree with them, I know they’re all correct. But still, even now, as I sit here, nobody gives me any information on HOW or WHERE I could go to actually GET a position in which I’d be remunerated according to my “value”. OH! It’s frustrating. But certainly something that I need to address. Especially NOW… TODAY! THIS MORNING! IMMEDIATELY! – 0.27 LATE! I didn’t intend to be up this late… but quite franchement, I don’t really give a flying shit. ALL DAY I’ve done nothing, accomplished nothing but trying to get my music BACK! iTunes and Apple have struck AGAIN! SO MUCH MUSIC GONE! Honestly? I look forward to the day when they both go completely under. I looked on the Internet: I’m not the only one. Seriously! Even music I bought via iTunes… GONE! Bastards! The lot of them! And here it’s taken me an ENTIRE day to get most of the music back! Well! I won’t ever make the mistake of deleting files again! THAT’S guaranteed! That music is my “voyage” music! And, as has always been, through-out my life, MUSIC is MORE IMPORTANT that food! Well… I don’t know that I got it ALL back… I still have to dig through some Flash drives and such. But I’ve gotten a LOT of it back. Fuck You Apple! – Had a lovely(?) chat on Skype with Schmulik this afternoon-into-this-evening. He truly IS trying to be helpful, getting me back to NYC. (I don’t want to go!) It’s really amazing. We were on for HOURS again today. It’s good to be able to communicate with him and I don’t really understand why he wants to keep in such close touch with me. Well… Truth is: He’s become a true “Friend”… thus far. So many ideas and plans and such. And he wants to help… or so he claims. We shall see when the moment comes. – Had dinner and washed the dishes. – I’m betting Ms. Hilary is going to have some complaints about the house soon enough. Fuck her too. – I need to get the photos of the icicles on here. Today they are melting… as am I. Again, this evening, for no apparent reason, the almost uncontrollable NEED to THROW SOMETHING hit. It’s getting stronger these days. But it comes and goes in a brief moment. While it’s present, it’s SO INTENSE though! Anger is mounting. No healthy. – Not one type letter from Silas again. This shit is… well… it just is. Hopefully I’ll be able to get out of there well before he has anything to say to me. – Meanwhile, I must get a nap in here. Tomorrow is Monday… like I care. But I do need a bit of a nap. I managed to make it through the entire day with-out nodding. Hey! That’s an improvement!

Mon.25.Mar: 10.20 Yup. I was awake already at about 6.45 this morning… to the most brilliant sun-shine POURING in through “my” window! It was MAGNIFICENT! It caused the usual pangs of anxiety and depression. It won’t be “mine” for much longer. And so my morning began… immediately down the stairs to attend to the recuperation of music lost. But I’m keeping better tabs on the total number of songs on the iPod from now on and went to send me an e-mail with this morning’s total when… and e-mail from Fran: D. attempted suicide! WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF THE GOD WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO MERCIFUL AND CARING? Ah… but I answer my own question even as I type it. It’s not “God”… it’s the apathy and the inconsideration and the general stupidity and the lack of any genuine caring and concern of “others’ that does this, brings somebody to the point of truly believing that their existence is worthless… that BIG DARK VOID that shrouds. I know it… all too well. But not D.! Yes, from the first introduction to him and the family I just “knew”, some-how… it’s that “gut” that “instinct” again. Something. Just something. Not that I knew he’d come to this, but there’s just something about him. And it’s eating at me. Not only his situation, but one that just keeps pounding at me: I’d like, SO MUCH, to go see Fran now. Not that I could do much more than give her the chance to talk WITH somebody about this and give her some company, which I’m really certain she could use right now. But the worst part of ALL is that I just don’t “Trust” her. She has connections with and to people here who could certainly make my future existence extremely WRONG! Not that she’d go out of her way to do anything to cause it. She’s Fran, and she talks, with-out malice for the most part, but she let’s things “out” and right now, I need to get away from so much here, in this State, and get back on my own feet. There’s so much that I have to “watch out” for, all things considered. I know there are a multitude of factors in my favour where most of my major issues are concerned. But again, I have NO trust in ANYthing in this State and it’s all taking a major toll… even down to the People. Even as I said to Schmulik just yesterday as we spoke on “me” and the “me” that will be returning to NYC: I’m not the same person any longer. He judges me and my character on what he knew in 1986… and the person he met after 20-some years of no communication, at the time when I was in the Shelter… the “Homeless” me. And, as is the general case, he has no understanding of “me” today… and really doesn’t take the time to get to know that “me”. Ah… how SO much has changed… about “me”. And I don’t particularly like it. I don’t like not trusting. I don’t like the trepidations. And I don’t like that this is a result of my environment. I don’t like “me” at all this way. Once upon a time I’d just do what-ever it took to get to be there with Fran, immediately, to offer any kind of support I could. HELL! How can I forget Michael Hill: me, in The Bronx, he in Flushing… and in the middle of the night, I ran out the door to Waldbaum’s, got 2 tins of kosher chicken soup and took the train out, some 2 hours or so, to deliver them to him because he had a cold. He never forgot that… I wonder if he still recalls it. He was shocked. I did it simply because it would help him, I had the time (well.. sort of) and it should have been done. This morning, it is quite difficult for me to get to Jericho to be with Fran, but I could hitch. I could actually call her too. But there’s something in that “gut”… that “instinct” that almost “warns” me against it. And it all comes down to “Trust”… something I have almost none of any more. And I see that I don’t have it for Fran, I don’t have it for Silas, I don’t really have it even for Shmulik. And I’m not pleased… with me. I’m succumbing to the World… and I’m physically sick. I can’t help but ponder: Is it time to get the fuck out and away from all of this before I find that I have NO Trust anymore, that I’ve lost ALL Faith in EVERYBODY? I don’t want to become that kind of person. There’s much I need to think, seriously, about. – Today is Pesach… Passover. There’s no possible way that I can do anything traditional for it today… not here. – And, 25 days before I actually should and must be out of here. 25 days. Time is running out… quickly now. Well… one way or another… and “How”, we shall see. Right now, there are “chores” to be attended. No matter what… “things” will be in order. No matter what. – 14.14 WELL! This morning got busy! Transferring all sorts of files off the computer, from one Flash drive to another, getting SO much “paper-work” sorted and filed and packed. (And at 13.22 Mr. Don did a drive-by for … who knows?) – Someone from Austin Twitted to say that s/he bought a copy of the book! So I had a bit of a cry… again. And the current royalties are posted on the reports. If I could only get that income now… it’s not enough to solve all my troubles, but it certainly would make one or two of them more bearable. But, not until the end of May. Alas. – It would have been a tremendous day to take a stroll HOME today. Too bad I no longer have the time. – Oh, and something quite strange: The “chip reader” from Fran stopped working this morning! I have photos I’d like to transfer over to FlashDrive and to post here but now I can’t. Odd… that it should happen THIS morning… after the news of D. and all. Makes me a little… queezy. – OK. Time for a bowl of cold cereal. I should get to the market at some point. I don’t want to… Now that so much “chores” is done, I almost want to take a nap. Well, if I stop to eat, chances are I’ll sit in the chair and do as usual… pass out cold for a bit… I hope not. There are things to do and these days go by too quickly as it is! – 15.18 Had a chat with Fran… Pastor Kevin walked in just as we got to talking so we didn’t get to say very much. I have to admit there were 2 reasons why I actually called her: to hear her voice and to try to offer some kind of support (since I know what it’s like for her and I certainly know what it’s like for D.!) and to see if anything would be said about anything being plotted against me in the VTstate. Well, as is so typical, the wife tossed him! Just when the poor guy needs more support than ever before in his life, people turn their backs and show just how cruel they truly can be. And don’t I know how that goes. If I could, I’d do so much more right now… for D. and never mind the rest of them. Poor Fran doesn’t know the “why” but I tried to help by saying “At least you have the chance to sit and talk with him and find out what’s been going on with him that nobody bothered to take time to notice or to ask.” Not that I meant it against Fran. Of course I don’t. She’s got MORE on her own mind than most, just to make it through from one day to the next for her-self. But still… I wish there was more I could do! (One comment thought… uh oh… I do believe my ice has given way to the warmish weather… my icicles are gone… 15.23 today… Yes, the ice is gone… Time…) If only I could “trust” anybody around here… if only… But I don’t. – Well… now that my music collection, as it is, has been backed-up and taken care of, I have time to get busy back at the web designing. I just wish i could clear my head enough. Only 8 days left on the soft-ware and still no more info from Schmulik. This is annoying me. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Oh well… – Tired too. So tired. I’d like to nap a bit but I still have the un-easy feeling that somebody will show up if I do lie down. Not that it should make any difference to me or them. But still… and I don’t want to be too rested tonight or I won’t get to sleep again. So much… just so much.

Tue.26.Mar: 2.06 So much for another early night. Now I don’t’ know if I should stay awake or get a nap. It turned to a night of Gospel and now Cajun… all depressing me because of the thought of going to NYC. But I’m tired… I really am.

8.22 Up at 7.30 and with a sense of some doom about this sunny morning. Very heavy sense. – MUST MUST MUST BE OUT OF HERE BY NOT LATER THAN THE 19TH MAY!!!!! No idea how. No idea where. Sunday’s the 31st. Forecast says about 9 degrees, partly sunny. Rain/snow 2 days before and 2 days after. But by the 5th April, no more “minus”temperatures. Rain though. The graph actually shows “teens” these days. I haven’t seen those in a forever. Not that the temperatures are reaching them any time soon. But it’s interesting to see them. – Schmulik had a wonderful idea: He could arrange for a car for me in Albany NY. (I’ve become “Vermont”… distinguishing between Albany “NY” and “VT”. And I keep thinking of “Troy” and VT. Shit! I still have the telephone number in N.Troy. I must figure a way to keep that. Why though? It won’t make any difference in 24 days from now. Silly me. Always… silly me.) Three tiny details: How to get to Albany and then… enough money for gas to drive to NYC, then, I’ll put things into storage (which I now have to dig into my little savings to pay for the month of April) and then… where? Where will “I” go? Back to the Shelter? Not likely. Maybe a “visit” with Schmulik “for a couple of days” (more like over-night perhaps) and WTF? I’m no stranger to the North Country! I can hitch my arse RTF back up! Toddle right back across the border… even from HERE… and GO HOME! HEY HEY HEY! The morning’s looking better already! WOOHOOME! OK THEN! – 12.48 Silas is just leaving… his “closet” is cleared out. It was a brief visit. A peaceful visit. Many hugs. And the house goes back to being empty… and I’m back to feeling alone. This shit has to stop. Oddly enough though, I’d just gone into the kitchen to start cooking… onion soup. There were 4 onions left and I didn’t want to throw them out, so I’d decided to make soup. Well… for some reason, I “KNEW” Silas would be coming today. It’s strange, but I did, I actually KNEW he would be here today. So when I heard him at the door, it came as no surprise at all. It was as if it had been arranged. This is so strange. Anyway, I wanted the house to smell of cooking… not stale, closed, me, old man shut-in, so the soup HAD to be ON the stove… because, as I say, I KNEW he’d be here. The timing was amazing. I’d started to sautée the onions when he arrived. Impeccable timing. And we started talking as if we’d only just seen each-other this morning. Weird… the whole situation. He’s not doing well at all. Making just enough to pay gas to get to and from work. The new “girl” is helping him (get to and from Saranac NY!) with his expenses. This “Vermont” thing is murder… even as he said: It’s all but killing him. This has been a difficult year and a half… and how odd that it’s the same for both of us and that we should meet each-other. Several times he told me “I love you Jude.” and hugged me. I suppose he probably does, after a fashion. These have been extreme times… for both of us. I can’t begrudge him anything. Not really. He has his troubles and problems. He never really got the chance to “know” me. And in his heart, I’m pretty certain he’s a sweet person. Just looking for acceptance, and very much afraid of being alone with himself. And that is THE issue: he truly is afraid of being alone with himself. He’s got a lot of ghosts and baggage and, well, it all gets to him. Poor little guy. – Well it gets to the REALLY LATE at night and I needed a diversion so I went to check, out of morbid curiosity, what the latest costs are, just for transport in NYC these days. Well shit! First off, the NYC MTA charges 1,00$ to buy a new MetroCard (which one MUST have now since they no longer do “one ride” fares), AND the 7-day Unlimited cards are up to 30$. I can’t recall how much they were when I left but I do know it was that much. But the BIG change is the 30-day cards! When I left, they were 104$. Now they’re 112$! And transport is THE most important issue in NYC! Not only for simple commuting for work and work-related issues, but for visiting, travel in general, and, when it becomes necessary (and it always does and certainly will this time… with-out a doubt) GETTING AWAY! And me… waiting for income I can’t depend on and scraping even to get the bare essentials here. Not good… just not good… none of it. I’m truly just getting fed up. None of this is really worth the effort in the long run. But I MUST do what I can, see it through until it reaches the point where I just can’t any more. And at this rate? That moment is… in the next room. – Good-night. I want no more of this day.

Wed.27.Mar: 9.18 (23 days until….) – OMG I woke with immediate anxiety! I no sooner came out of sleep, hadn’t even moved yet and right away my chest imploded. Can’t say exactly “why”. It just did. Terribly and painfully. Why the fuck can’t it just be a heart-attack and have done with it? I used to want to make it HOME and certainly not keel here. But these days, I don’t even care about that. Just don’t give a shit. – 9.20 or so… I JUST LOOKED TO SEE… NEW PHONE NUMBER! NEW PHONE NUMBER! THANK YOU NANCY! I noticed it and immediately shot off another e-mail to the Appeals Board, giving them the number to contact me for the hearing. AND… good or bad, it means I have a New Skype account now too… All this “technology” being wasted. Oh well. Like my Mum, gather the knowledge and POUF! – Anyway, I got quite a few images from Schmulik today. More work for the web-site! Yay! Gives me something to divert my conscious attention from the matters at hand and that’s rather good. But he sent them in a zipped file and the extraction soft-ware on the computer was another “Trial” and that “trial” expired. Thankfully, I managed to extract on my own and well… To be quite honest, it was a LOT of effort. I didn’t complain, I merely sent him a message mentioning it and sure enough, he sends the images again, separately and when I told him later, when he rang (on the Skype number… THANK YOU NANCY!), instead of “Oh good…” I heard “Well, I wasted my time on that.” Indeed. On “that” and much else. Hey Fukkoh, I can’t work with material I don’t have and if this damned site is so important to you, and you already have the material and don’t have the time nor the interest in sending it along, that’s not my problem. But I didn’t say so. As is the “norm” for me, I don’t care enough to speak on such things so I simply let him say and waited for the next comment. And so, I went to work with what I now have. – For most of this morning I’ve been HORRIBLY sick. The feeling of a large stone in the gut. Some truly heavy object of some kind, weighing my gut down. (It did, at one point, cause quite some trouble when, out of no-where, I HAD to BOLT to the loo… and BAM! I’ve no idea what the hell caused that emergency, but it cleaned me right out! Didn’t take the heaviness away though. I keep looking for blood when this happens. I think I’m a bit “over-due” at this point. Oh well… when you neither fear nor welcome…) – It was a MUCH later wrap-up than I’d wanted this morning; went to cot at 2.22 this morning woke at 7.00 before the alarm. It’s going to be an interesting day, to see how long I can manage with-out nodding off. – Ah… it’s been YEARS! I actually remember hearing this beautiful, yet heavy and dark, wonderful melody SO many years ago on NPR: Wojciech Kilar, “Requiem for Father Kolbe”. I remember how I’d written the name of the piece and could barely wait to go and get it! LP back then. Played it over and over. Later, when CDs became the thing, it was one of the first pieces of music I got on that format. Well, I can’t say just how it came to mind this morning, but there it was! I pulled 2 copies from the Internet, converted them and put them on the iPod, backed them up on Flash and have a copy on the computer… I’ve been listening ALL day… on loop. Just my mood. Just perfect. And it all started from a search for the song “Gloomy Sunday”. That was mentioned on an episode of “QI”. It’s actually called the “suicide song” because it’s allegedly so depressing that people have killed themselves after listening to it, and some have been found with the lyrics in hand or on person. Well, being “me”, I had to hear it and had to see the lyrics. All I can say is: those who killed themselves with any relation to that song were teetering WAY before they heard the song. Me? I don’t find it at all in the least all that depressing. Just another “broken heart” tune. But then again… I’m the 3-time loser… obviously… I’m here to type about it. – 17.23 It’s been SO damp in this house all day. The temperatures are rising to that point where the Winter cold is still in the ground and in the house, but the air is warming enough to play well with the moisture of melting snow and coming rains. So I ventured down to the cellar (which started the depression pangs… Memories: when we first got here, I remember saying to Silas “I’m becoming my Grand-mother, checking the oil tank every night before going to bed.” It was actually comforting to me. And every night here, in Richford, I’d remember back to when I was but a kid, following her to her cellar, spooked by the whole thing but certainly NOT going to let her “go down there” alone! And today when I went, the memories of Oma now merge with the memories of the joy and excitement of moving into this house and the realities that both are now “Past”. Gone. Just gone. And so, I see that there’s just over 1/4 tank oil so I can run the furnace a bit and take the “cold and damp” out of the house this evening. Let’s see what that does for the mood. – I’ve worked all day, on and off on the web-site. A LOT OF WORK!!!! This shit could pay at least a month’s rent in NYC or 2 months in VT!!!!! Maybe even a nice car! FUCK ME!!!!! It’s not that I resent the work. If it hadn’t been for this work, by now I’d’ve been curled in a corner of the house, no doubt, wasting away… probably in pain. But I just can’t seem to get one thought out of my mind: the income generated from this work would put me in MUCH better circumstances. And of course, in my research on the newer coding technologies today I stumbled upon a site built for and by “site-builders” that clearly stated “Let the client know of the extra work that has to be put into the project and be sure to charge them because it’s something that must be done”. And I keep hearing the words “You can stay here for 3 or 4 days…” How kind. – HEY HEY HEY! I have to add one note of a different tone:11 books today! OK. So I’m not hitting the “Best Sellers” list. But I still get a charge when I think it’s my FIRST book, I actually went and published, and there are 11 people who are reading it. (I can only hope that they read it “subjectively” and not “objectively”. I can only hope that they learn just what kind of miserably torture people in general put other human beings through when they turn their backs and discard them. That’s… THAT IS THE POINT of the book! Cruelties.) – Meanwhile, back at the house… this evening, whilst fixing “dinner”… a stick of butter, jerk chicken in the freezer, home-made onion soup… The work on Schmulik’s web-site being enough to buy a car, pay rent, move, stay in VT… FUCKING CHRISTE! ANOTHER BREAK-DOWN in the middle of just routine shit! FUCKING PAINFUL FUCKING CHRISTE! AGAIN! I AM FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT! FUCKING FUCKING BLOODY FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT! If I was going to get my Fed tax refund, added to the VT tax refund, I could get a car and a small room. I could start the web-work… telecommuting. I could write another book! 2 have already been started.
If the royalties would come through earlier, I’d have a start to so much… just a start. TIME! TIMING IS ALL WRONG! ALL WRONG! IT’S JUST ALL WRONG! AND I’M BLOODY FUCKING TIRED OF IT! Just moving about the kitchen, making all the preparations to throw something together to eat, only because I have to and certainly not because I have any desire to, ANOTHER FUCKING RUSH OF TEARS, OUT OF NO-WHERE AT ALL AND FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Slipping… and now falling… and soon? Snap! Let it finally happen under a tree, in the woods, at HOME when it comes to… Not here. At HOME. I’ll see to it that that’s where. I’ll see to it. – 23.58 I have been busting my all for this web-site. Shame… nobody knows and I don’t dare to say because when “I” say anything, it’s taken as some kind of bitch-fest. It truly has always amazed me to an extent: Most people I’ve known have always told me that I give too much. Some have said that if I don’t tell people how much “extra” I put into a task, they honestly don’t know so I should speak on it. WELL! With-out fail, every time I open my mouth or put into words, the lengths I go to, it’s ALWAYS mistaken, contorted, misconstrued, taken as “bitching”, and I end up with shit all over me and people being rude. I guess that’s what this “Journal” is for… to vent. – Well, the “ZipCar” to NYC is now out. Sure, I can get one from up “North” and drive it to The City… but it has to be returned to the place it was gotten. SO! Back to the very beginning… Actually, I think I’ll stick to my original thoughts and plans. So much easier. Truth is: If I’d get my Fed taxes this year, that would make things SO much better. But the Fed isn’t going to part with money they have already… not in this economy. Too many fucking illegals and useless immigrants to pander to. I’m the wrong race, the wrong religion, the wrong age, the wrong everything. So the Fed refund is out. The State might help a little bit. But no matter what, none of it will come in a timely manner. So… I just can’t care anymore. I just can’t. I’ll work at what I must work at, do all that I can until the time comes. Then? FUKKITALL! Time… just no time. – One comment before closing this date: The thought keeps coming to me that nobody knows just what I go through in my waking hours, alone here, thinking about what’s to come. And it’s so odd, but by no means uncommon that, at the moments when I actually feel I “need” somebody else to talk with? Nobody’s there. It’s as if the world knows I’m about to slip away and it just says… you’re past your “due date” anyway so go already. Oh well… good for me then. No matter when I decide to walk out and away, it’s actually a relief to know that nothing of what I’ve done will make any difference to anybody. The World will go on… no matter what.

Thu.28.Mar: 7.52 (22) Tired. Just tired. Rainy out there this morning. Drizzly. Grey. And another day of being quite ill. 22 more. Just 22. I’ve got work to get done today! “Work”. This web-site WILL be done! – Went to cot rather “early”… It was just a bit past midnight. Sleep. I just want to lay down and go to sleep. – 8.41 Coffee’s done. The kitchen is in order. Skype is up and running. Nancy… connected. I look at that little green “cloud” beside her name and some-how it’s much relief to know that in a remote way, she’s there, I’m “connected”. If wishes from the heart actually DO make their way around to some force or another and make any kind of difference, she should reap much Joy… because that’s what I constantly wish for and demand from this shit we call “Creation”. Maybe it all won’t work out to the satisfaction of others, but she’s there, and has been there for so long. I don’t even have “life friends” or “family” that have ever done even 1/8 of all that she’s done. And I know that she’ll never actually know how much I appreciate her. – Wojciech Kilar “Requiem” on an running and I’m on to the task du jour… getting this bloody web-site done! This is almost a 5th re-build. No doubt I’ll be thrilled and the critiques will be ruthless. WTF? Makes no difference. I’m learning… more shit to take away. – (It would be a delight if at least the State cheque would arrive in today’s post. I’m into the 5$ bottle now. Well, that’s why I started it: to save the 5$ bills for when they’re needed… and here they are. Better than saving in a banque.) – 17.00 and I can’t believe I’ve actually WORKED ALL DAY on the site right up to now! One break for cold cereal. No calls, no messages, no e-mails, save one from Schmulik last night… depressing. That one prompted me to respond with a rather lengthy response. Probably TOO much. But the response was both supportive for him and a bit therapeutic for me. It also took the better part of this morning! And now, here I sit, chilled, trying to keep awake, and about to head into the kitchen to fix something to eat. – OH! I happened to notice this morning, in passing, that it appears I’ve gained weight in my face!!! Not so sunken! I can’t imagine HOW that happened, especially since I’ve been so fucking depressed for so long and seriously not eating. But, I was so moved that I toddled to the computer and took a couple of photos. One of them turned out so well that I went and used it on those couple of sites where the book is being promoted. And it DOES look MUCH better than the passport shot. Then I did some research on “me”… the only negative thing that comes up under my name is that moron, Peter Stark. I’ve no idea what comes up from those “investigative” sites, but right now I’m just relieved to know that the book and my art come up for the most part in the event anybody goes digging. (I keep thinking about any of the “sibs” looking into any of this shit… but, as it’s been agreed… they can be easily ignored.) – 18.46 Just back in from the market. And it was the same: My guts wrench when I leave the house now. Painful… to leave this town. And this evening, the geese… flying North. The plants in the windows are beginning to sprout new leaves. Spring. The world is coming back to life. But not mine. Not me. I’m not going to make this move. I’m not going to survive all of this. I’ve never, in my entire life, been so completely drained. I’ve never felt this bleak, dark. I see the sun setting on the hills. I see the hills. I see the open skies. The open land. Even the empty streets. The quiet. There are people. There are places to go to. Small places. Little stores. I talk with the people who work there. I knew the woman behind me in the market. (Her husband is going to New York for work.) I had a little break-down in the market. Just suddenly cried. I’m not going to make it through this one. I don’t even have the curiosity that used to keep me looking forward to what little adventure or experience might become of the next moment. I just don’t have it. And I keep thinking: nobody knows about any of this. And nobody would care even if they did. There’s nothing anybody can do right now to change any of this. But nobody knows, understands, cares. Oma said that when she had to leave The Bronx “I looked out the window and saw the moving truck parked in the street and I said to myself ‘There is the hearse, come to take me away to die.'” I don’t even have a hearse. But when I walk out the door of this house… my Oma and my Mum will be there and I’ll go away… – I’m tired. Really just so tired. – What’s strange too: I miss Silas. Even after spending all Winter in this house, alone. In some respects I’m leaving a “friend”. In some fashion, I’m leaving a “lover”. In some way, I’m leaving a child. I’m leaving 3 people… in one. – Nah… I’m not going to make this. I don’t even have the will to do it. – Oh… and e-mail from Schmulik today, closed with “could be nice to know that you are taken care before I go”. Why? Why do you care? What do you care? It’s like always: Everybody wants to know that I’m “OK”… in THEIR way… not mine. So long as THEY’RE satisfied it’s good. Oh well… – 21.39 Saw it coming. Knew it all along.

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Thu.28.Mar: 20.50 From Shmulik this morning at 07:27 how much stuff do you have to bring here? can you figure that and let me know? if it can fit in a wardrobe box 24x24x48 shipping it by fedex ground should be anyway cheaper than to rent a car and I could use the studio account for it and get the discounted rate I think that could be a way to go ,even if it is more than 1 box all I need would be the size of the boxes and the estimated weight get that info to me and I will deal with logistics my BD is approaching and as usual my depression is getting out of control hope to be able to keep it at bay but not so sure I have the strength or motivation for it this year I may still beat you going out for good could be nice to know that you are taken care before I go me on my last days of my 55th year was it worth it? don’t think so…… From Nancy this evening at 20.18 Busy busy busy day, again…such is my life, ha ha…..luckily I got to leave at 3 and caught up on chores. Cleaned out the bedroom closets and put together a good will bag. Getting ready to watch basketball for a bit before I fall down. So transportation is still the biggest issue right? What about bus or train? Again I am glad to help with tickets etc….looks like my son can’t help as he is working out of town now and drives 4 hrs every day. Are any of your belongings able to be shipped before you leave? BTW congrats on book sales, that is fantastic! So proud of you! Gotta go soak tired feet before the game starts back up…..sleep well dearest! N *And so it comes down to exactly where I KNEW it would be. I’m not stupid. And in my very core I never once actually expected anything to turn out any way other than this. There’s no way I’ll get out of here other than to hitch to where-ever. And if it comes to that, I don’t see why I should hitch South, when I could easier hitch North and have done with it all. I could go HOME at last… and that’s really where I should go at this point. – I’m not happy with the way the web-site has turned out. But it’s the way Schmulik wanted it so I should let that go. Though I now expect more in the way of change requests and I have only 5 days left on the Homesite software to work with. Time… all about time. – There’s money hanging in the air out there. VT tax, the income from the book. It won’t cover everything to make anything easier, but it would help quite a bit. But I have the feeling that the tax money won’t come in the next week. The book money definitely won’t come until June… a month too late. Funny that, the book money will go directly into the banque. By the time it arrives, I hope to be well on my way to being almost unidentifiable “remains”. – It’s not so bad, really. Death is something everything must experience. And I will experience it, one way or another, one day or another. I’d rather this all happened at a time when the weather was nicer. I’m tired of being so cold all the time. It’s been a very rough Winter in that respect. But, at least I can take solace in knowing that in just 17 days I’ll have my last “cold” day. 17 days… 3 days more than 2 weeks. My. The “time” is just rushing by. Honestly? I just went almost numb from the reality of it. There’s no way to get to any place. And oddly enough, Nancy doesn’t have the time to communicate, Schmulik and Silas are both off e-mail and Skype. I’m ever so very much alone. Typical. No doubt the insults will fly when this is all over. But I’ve been unusually blunt and matter of fact with people about what’s been going on. – I just hope the “martini” works quickly. That’s all.

Fri.29.Mar: 9.22 Woke this morning, at about 6.30, to pillows SOAKED with perspiration… sour perspiration… Flashbacks to the Shelter days! WOAH! The comforters are already washed and the pillows are in the washer even now. – Meanwhile, I’ve checked into a car rental for “re-locating”… I’m a bit amazed, really. It’s not as expensive as I’d have thought all along. Cheaper, over-all, than even the train! (Of course, I’ll have to come up with the gas money immediately… never, NEVER can anything just go along quietly!) AND… the HUGE PART: Figuring how to rent the damned thing! But… even in the midst of darkest depression, something in my head snaps. I so fucking hate that about me. But oddly, this morning’s first thoughts included “child-hood” and how even at the age of 7 (as I remember back to that age), the “compartmentalisation” was already in “full function”. This morning I recalled the numerous times of being beaten, welts all over, and going out to “the rocks”, alone, and some-how, my brain would shut-down and the pain would go away. Today, as I sit here, with yet another “pain”, my brain seems to put the whole situation off, into a little box, on a shelf, and it finds something else to deal with… Even now, I’m working on Schmulik’s web-site and thinking about car rental. – Well… time to get back to the “work” of the day. Time’s running out on the software and on me in general. – I wonder if Silas will come through with his “offer” to arrange for a rental car… and I wonder HOW the fuck I’ll get the money to him! But, three things at a time here… and one of those is already “done”. Off to the rest of this day. (Hey! Just to toss this into the Metaphysical on the off chance the “electro-energies” of thinking, typing, saving, posting will make a spark… The arrival of the State income tax refund would be perfect today.) – 22.30 Talked with Schmulik this morning for a couple of hours about the new page on his web-site (I was right… as I worked on it… ALL FUCKING DAY, I kept thinking “He’s not going to like this…” and sure enough, he doesn’t like the new page… ALL THAT FUCKING WORK!) SO? Back to the drawing board…fuckme very much thank me. The we got into the “moving”: He suggests I ship my belongings via FedEx! And when I told him that’s fine but *I* have no way of getting *ME* anywhere… well… that whole topic just died, turned to dust and blew away. When I said I could rent a car for under 60$ for a day (I checked Hotwire and sure enough… not expensive at all and they have one-way rentals!) and get me and the stuff to NYC, there was a dissertation on needing a credit card, and havng it there to pick-up and drop-off the car, and the cost of gas and it went right back to the shipping via FedEx… It just doesn’t register with anybody: I cannot afford to get ME out of here! When I told him that the nearest trains are 40 and 70 miles away, he suggested I take a train from MONTREAL! That TOO, ove r70 miles away. His reply? “It will probably be easier to walk to Montréal that to places in Vermont.” WALK! OK! NOW I see where this is all going. WALK 70-plus miles NORTH to Montréal, to take a train SOUTH to NYC? FUCKKITALL! IF I’m going to WALK to Montréal, I’m sure as shit NOT coming back… EVER! (In fact, he might just be onto something there anyway… In a way he’s right: better to walk to Montréal than all over the US. From Montréal, I can hitch up to the Laurentians or out to the Gaspé… and go HOME and NEVER have to even ponder a return. It’s put a whole new dimension of serious consideration into my mind. And I won’t have to think about what to do with the things here… just leave them. I won’t ever need any of it again.) And so, when the conversation was done, I went back to working on the site for the rest of the day, with a break for coffee. I promised the site work, therefore it will get done. When the trial for the software is finished in about 4 days, so too will the work be finished. I’ve coded it so simply that anybody can pick up where I leave off. If nothing else, it keeps me busy and pre-occupied during the waking hours of a day. Other-wise… I don’t give a flying shit one way or another. I’m looking at walking out the door of this house, at any moment of any day now, with nothing but the entire World in front of me… and nothing else. – SO…. Mood dropped again, so I dove into the site-work and avoided thinking until 16.00 when I HAD to step out. Going to Mayhew’s is depressing. Walking in town is SO PAINFUL that it actually makes me need to vomit. I come back to the house and have all to do to keep from just heaving right on the street. I won’t do that though. I love this town too much. But the most oppressive thing about it all is: Nobody knows… it makes no difference. It’s all so very easy… from a distance. And conversations “not in person” are easily cut when the issue becomes too close to the “reality”. – I must always remember (and, for the most part, I do): Once upon a time, I was surrounded by people who offered to “help” and could… but on that MONDAY 15 SEPTEMBER 2008 at 21.11, I walked into the 30th Street Shelter… alone. I stayed there… alone. And I walked out of there… alone. And for all the Winter of 2012-2013, I stayed in this cold house… alone. Shoveled the snow… alone. Took care of the house… alone. And when I walk out the door of this house, it will be the same way… And where I go is none of anybody else’s business. And what I choose to do when I get to where I will be going is none of anybody’s business. Good news for today? The date has been set. The time has been set. And the general other details have been set. As for the rest of it? As a NYer would say: Leddem tawk, I ain’t lisnin no more. There’s nothing more to be said about any of it. I saw where it would go and here it is. NO prOblEM. – Anyway, I finished the onion soup tonight. WOW! It really was good! 2 small cube steaks and a piece of cake. DINNER! There’s much travel coming in the next couple of weeks, the weather isn’t supposed to become warm for much later than that, so I’ll need the fat. And the fat is what I’m putting on. There’s a 240-plus km “walk” coming. Need to be prepped for that. – And so, it’s already 23.02 and again, all is later than I’d expected. The web-work bites into any “relax” time and I NEED to take a shower before bed! That sour sweat is still with me. And tomorrow I’ll have to wash these clothes. The cot is “made” and the little heater has been on in the room for a while now. In the evening I go up to the room, put on the little bed-side light and the heater so it’s as “welcoming” as it can be. – There’s a 100 note again this evening. I’ll leave it at that. – OH HOW FUNNY! I just noticed: “RememberWhenEverybody” is “trending” on Twtr tonight! I could fill quiet a time-line… but it’s not worth the effort. – Time to wrap this day, have a relax, have a shower and send this date into the past where it belongs. – One more “funny”: the Flash trial expires on the same date! Fukkit!

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Fri.29.Mar: 22.10 I understand that life is hectic and there are many things that others have to attend during a day, but the “finality” of a message like this: “Just got home, worked, came home, went to look at a house we are going to try and buy….sleep well dearest” just received, and previously, a couple of days ago: “Here I am, but I am off to bed…another 11 hr day tomorrow..sleep well” well, they don’t leave anything open for a response or a reply. Today’s was a bit hurtful because just last night was: “Love ya…..call me sometime after 3 I get off early today” I can’t help but think, as I did this afternoon, it’s all very much like Dart, when I was on the Steering Committee for the Bronx Land Trust and he came in to apply for a position. “If all you need is somebody to write a cheque, I’m your man. But I can’t do anything more, like go places, attend meetings, or anything like that.” It’s been a day like that. And I was feeling rather stupidly “up” for a change. I’m such a complete fuck-tard!

Sat.30.Mar: 9.14
Just up. Sun shining. Water on the stove. Clothes in the washer. At about 2.15 this morning I was in the shower. Then to cot. Then 7.00 alarm and I decided to go back to sleep. Just up and feeling like all hell. Forecast says bet. 5-8C today. Clear skies. Imagine that. I want to heave my testicles. Down, down, down. – 18.09 The furniture is gone. The chair is gone. Silas’ bed is gone. His mothers are coming up during the week to clear the kitchen. The house is empty. — The house is empty. — The rooms are empty. — He asked “Seriously. And truthfully… How are you handling all of this?” I told him. I told him all that I haven’t even journaled. He brought a chair into “his” room from the living-room for me to sit on. We talked. We talked about our time here, in Vermont. We talked about our time here, in Richford. We talked about all the dreams. We talked about anger. We talked about mistakes. We talked about frustrations. We talked. He got here about noon. I helped him pack his car. This is all hurting him terribly. But he’s more concerned about what’s to happen when the time comes when I leave here. He says the letter from Don and Connie says that “the new tenant” will be moving in on the 27th. They’re telling him it’s a “new tenant”. Don tells me it’s his daughter. Lies. Just lies. We talked about that as well. The lies. – He apologies for our arguments. I don’t care about those “moments”… we managed to come through those. – The Internet will be closed as of the 16th. The computer will be gone just before then. He said he’ll leave it for me so that I can conduct my unemployment hearing on the 9th (the notice came today for that). – We talked about renting a car so that I can get out of here. He said he’s more than happy to help me out. But some moments later he said he doesn’t know that he can because he doesn’t think that he’s got enough credit on his card to cover the “deposit” plus the cost of the rental. What can I say? He made it up here today because one of his mothers paid his gas. He came today because it’s the only day he had free. The job is only part-time but the hours are, as part-time work is… such that they cut a day into worthless hours. – He spoke on thinking of me, alone in this house, and how he notices the echo in the emptiness. The thought bothers him. He doesn’t like thinking about me here, alone in this cold house. He’s disappointed in the way it all turned out. – He talked about the poor decisions he’d made. “I took it pretty easy and made a lot of really bad decisions for the 8 months I was here, until I met you.” he said. “I don’t know where I’d be today if it hadn’t been for you. You turned everything around for me.” and then he went on “You’ll give somebody your last penny and end up in a Homeless Shelter…” – He sees. – 19.15 I thought it would be different this time when he left. It is… it’s worse yet. Much worse. Tonight I can’t even manage to get a sob out. There’ all the pressure inside. But it won’t come. – He told me he’ll be here in the 16th to take all of what’s left. The 16th. I’ll be … on the 16th. I won’t “be” … on the 16th. – I’ve emptied the kitchen cup-boards. Everything is on the table now. He told me not to pack anything. I have to keep moving, doing, something. I can’t “not” DO something. I can’t even understand anything at this point. I can’t even think to type. And the sun is going down, the house is getting dark. I can’t put on music. I don’t like the silence. I don’t know anything. – Nobody’s here. Nobody knows. And in the very core of my breathing being, I can’t even conjure a lie to make myself even entertain the notion that anybody cares. – I told Silas this evening: I’ve been very depressed about a lot of things over the course of my life-time. VERY empty, sometimes for periods of time. I’ve been very, VERY “empty” at times. But nothing, never like this. Never to the point where nothing makes sense and everything I see, do, hear makes that dark space under me deeper and deeper. It really is “Hopelessness”. I can’t even conjure little notions to stop the descent. Just down, down, down… and there’s nothing, and more nothing… NO THING… just “down”. The house is empty. The cup-boards are empty. I feel I need to put “my” room in some kind of order. I hope he’ll have some use for something in there. I won’t be taking much, if anything, with me when I walk out the door. I hope he’ll want to keep something. He left a few jackets behind. I’m wearing one. For some reason, he’s made an impression. “Lover”? “Friend”? “Comrade”? “Son”? I don’t know. What-ever it is, the “title” or “category” makes no difference. I don’t have to put it in order. And it’s nobody else’s business or concern. And just like “them”, I don’t give a fuck what “they” think. I don’t care… and that’s the ground upon which the foundation of all of this stands… I do NOT care.

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

Sun.31.Mar: 13.52 I’m still not sure “why” this happened, but on Saturday (30 Mar.) after Silas left, I HAD to keep myself moving, so I went at the house. Pulled everything from the kitchen cup-boards and put it all on the table, ready to pack. Cleared everything out of the room that Silas had been using as a closet, put it all into his room, then swept the floor and, with a little kiss, closed the doors to that room… forever. Fuckme! It was, as usual, physically painful! Then, I went to the shower/utility room and began putting Silas’ toiletries and such together, which included the medicine cabinet and there… THERE!!! OH WHAT WONDERS DO BEFALL UPON US WHEN IN NEED WE DO FIND OURSELVES!!! ATIVAN!!! Not a LOT, but certainly enough to add to the BDM!!! My “ticket” out of here, one way, NO RETURN, is DONE! Hopefully there’s just enough potency in those little pills to kick it off, quickly and completely. I’ve “saved” them, with the BDM. Now all I need hope for is good weather on the 15th. I WILL be going, at LONG LONG LAST… HOME! – Oh, and he left a couple of jackets in a box… I took one… to wear… it helps a bit… to keep me warm and to slightly soothe the pain of all of this. It’s almost as if we’d been “Lovers”. But it’s SO much more than just that… SO very much more… - Sun.31.Mar: 22.38 It was bound to happen sooner or later I suppose but I must say that the timing, as timing always is in my existence, is utter shit. I am in NO way receptive to this shit! Of ALL the people on earth! And I want so very much to know WHAT journal and WHERE and HOW she got to it! DeadArtist is password, all the pages of NYC8539266 are password, the poetry blogs are open but I doubt they’d tie in to me, the Margot blogs wouldn’t associate with me, and this one doesn’t tie in to me either. The only mention of G’s is on the art blog. And I don’t recall and can’t find any mention of the music. So this is a mystery. But, here is the text from today and my reply. Fuck me! Really! I don’t want to correspond with her. I truly don’t need ANY more connections with the past now. And if this doesn’t help with my resolve for the 15th… – I just want to vomit… again. Mr. G’s Inbox x Liz Colbert 12:39 (9 hours ago) to me Read your journal. Saw your mention of music. I have three Mr.G CDs that you had made for me and if you want them I will send them to any PO Box you provide. They are titled: · Mister G’s · Mister G’s 1972-1973 2002-1 · Mister G’s 1972-1973 2002-2 Several years ago I rec’d an email from Gaston regarding you and I’d presumed it was from you and you were deciding whether to get back in touch or not; that turned out to be a ‘not’. But what I replied then is still true now and I will always hope that you find/found peace, joy, respect and love. Judah Kessler 22:32 (4 minutes ago) to Liz What a surprise to receive your e-mail. Thank you for the kind offer but truthfully, it is good to know that you still have the CDs and that the collection is still appreciated. I hope that you will continue to keep the music and enjoy it. “Gaston” and I have not communicated in a great while, and I regret the intrusion. It wasn’t the first of such actions but it was one of the last to the best of my knowledge. I am well, thank you and I hope you are the same. I am also curious as to the “journal” you refer to in your e-mail. If you’d be so kind, with-out obligation, I would like very much to know where you found the reference to the music. I can only recall the mention of Mr. G’s on the art blog. Best always, K.

Sun.31.Mar: 12.51 A VERY HEAVY sleep last night. Of course, I didn’t get to cot until after 3.00 this morning and was up and moving by 8.30… and feeling non-too-well at all. But I have to say, things took a “turn” when I received an e-mail from Schmulik: this morning before cot, I’d sent him a link to the “Bridehead Revisted” theme… his reply “he looks like you!” Imagine THAT! WooHOO! Flattery! OMG. etc. AND THEN… A CALL FROM HIM! ON HIS BIRTHDAY! To thank me for the wishes. Now THAT turned the morning round quite a bit! (Although I’m still sitting here with more pressure on my chest than I can even put into descriptives.) Well then… – Then came the misery de la matin: 60$ to keep the Internet going. 60$ to keep storage. The car will probably cost about 120$ and, well, I can cover either Internet (which I need for at least the 9th April for the unemployment hearing), OR the storage (which will be more by the 5th April, with late fees), BUT the car is OUT. SO… this morning’s “Reality Check”… in 14 days I walk out the door of this house to no-where in particular. Since I’ll be leaving everything (what little I actually “have” here) behind (I’m sorry Silas), where I go is up to me. I see no sense in being this close to HOME and heading in the opposite direction. So, after many years, in 14 days, I get my Heart’s desire. (Sorry Schmulik.) – Meanwhile, I just checked the book sales, since the month-to-date report came out this morning: 82,44! Almost 100$! WHAT a bloody-fucking SHAME! It won’t be paid until 30 May. Imagine? “Time” again. This morning, as the “accounting” stands…
I have 82,44$ from the book,
about 150$ from State tax.
235$ in Limbo.
At this juncture, the “possibles” stand at an additional
375$ from unemployment and
a round-down of 500$ from Fed tax.
Another 875$ in another section of Limbo. “TIME”!
1110,00$ JUST FLOATING ABOUT “OUT THERE”, JUST AN AIR BEYOND MY TOUCH!!! IT JUST MAKES ALL OF THIS EVEN MORE UNBAREABLE, INTOLLERABLE!!! And, no doubt, it will ALL start coming in RIGHT AFTER I’ve walked out the door into… well… “Nothing” really.
The absolute LAST day I have to be here is the 19th. I MUST be moving out ON that day. Silas will be taking the computer on the 16th along with rugs and anything else that’s here (including, I believe, the pots and pans and dishes). That’s why I WILL be out of here on the 15th… no matter what. But it all just doesn’t registre in my brain, it won’t “catch”… Even the 235$ that I can count on is THERE, MINE, and I just can’t get at it! This is what the word “INCREDIBLE” was created for. These are the times when my brain just shuts itself down… it’s true “over-load” because it makes NO sense at all. But, think about it, ponder it, no matter what… the cold, hard “fact” is: I don’t have the luxury of “Time”, and I certainly don’t have the will to “battle”. I believe it’s what the clinical community refers to as “Failure To Thrive”. (100) – This morning I realised: I didn’t eat all day yesterday. Well, not completely. I did have a bowl of frosted corn flakes in the late morning. But that was it. No appetite, really. But I must keep up the strength and appearances for the crossing into HOME. I certainly don’t want the nice people looking at me and saying “Monsieur.. we certainly cannot allow you to walk that distance when it appears that you will fall to the ground with-in the next kilometre.” So today, I must make sure to attend to that. – But… on a rather silly and “up” note? This morning, round about 2.00, by complete accident, I found a FULL copy of… “les Triplettes de Belleville”!!!!! Down-loaded, copied all over the place, and I began watching it, but, as is usual, dozed-off in bits and pieces. So I never got to see the entire thing. But I HAVE IT! FOR TODAY! And I have it on the iPod so… me, the sleeping bag, the trees, the cold North breezes, a BDM and “les Triplettes” if I choose! (Aside from the breezes, not too shoddy.) – Well again… I cannot believe that it’s already 13.46. The days pass by SO quickly!!!!! “Time”. It’s all about “TIME”! And i cannot believe that the little thermometre here registres 64F and my hands are almost numb from cold and I have the hood on my head! Cold… always cold. I’m tired of being cold all the time. But… soon… no more cold. – A note: 3 “connections” on the Skype. 3 “connections” connected. No communication with anybody. So again I say: Puts me in my place. – By the way: Monday-Wednesday this week coming? Snow. Of course… I can see the lawn in the back-yard again. – Sun.31.Mar: 23.05 And another day of not eating. Well… I did actually have 2 rolls with butter, toasted. And honestly, that’s it for the day. And even now I’m really rather sick to my stomach. I’ve been “out of it” all day and of course, tonight’s “100” didn’t make matters any better at all. So… – I’ve finished the packing. The room is in order. I’ve moved everything out to the hall up-stairs. The room is SO empty. And I even packed the little bed-side table lampe so the only light up there now is the ceiling fixture. Tomorrow I’ll put the “priority” boxes in order. Keep things together, neatly, so that they can be moved out and discarded easier. Not that I’ll be here when that happens. Who knows? Maybe Silas will actually go through them and find something he can use, or would like to hold on to for any reason at all. Nice to think about it anyway. – Chatted with Schmulik tonight. More work on his site to come. I have only until Tuesday with the soft-ware and that comes to a close. I sent him an e-mail this evening, after we talked. Everything is now explained to him, leaving nothing out. Hell only knows what he’s going to do after the 15th, but truthfully? It makes no difference to me at all one way or the other. He’ll just have to tell Martin that I’m “no longer available”. (Hopefully he’ll tell Martin tomorrow when they see each-other. It would be nicer to let him know not to plan on me being there.) But again, I don’t care. I won’t be around to know about it or be effected by any of it. Ah… what PEACE! – Schmulik actually got me into looking up Chemical Bank this evening! WOW! I can’t believe it! 1991-1996! Those were the “magic years”… my truly happy “Wall Street Years”. And to think… they too are all gone… never to return. Of course, Mr. Schmulik insists that I try to find all the big folks I worked with and for. Always so brilliant… as if I know nothing about what happened to us all. Well, that too is just something else that will be left behind. – Then came the e-mail tonight… I’m not going to even bother to get into that here. It’s already been “100ed”. But oh fuck me again and again and again and again. Really. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Enough said. – Well, I’ve a couple of days to figure out what the hell to do with the royalties that will be in a moot banque account come June. It rather kills me to think that the State tax refund will come to this house and then simply go back to the State. But that’s the way it will be. I really have to say that it doesn’t really “kill” me… I don’t’ “truly” care and it won’t make any difference anyway. – Oh… WOW! If what he said on Skype is true, Silas’ mother gave him more hell today. “Lazy”. Liar. I have no idea what the hell she’s going on about but, since I’ve gotten the shit end of one of his sticks… as of the 15th he’s on his own. I gave a whole lot to him over these, what? 15 months or so? Tsk tsk. I told him that if I went back to NYC he’d always have a place to stay, to call “home” or what-ever. Well, sorry Silas… as they say: Where I’m going now, you can’t follow. Good luck and thanks. Your comment today: [3:00:29 PM] Silas Burton: You can only rely on yourself.” Yup… now you’ll have to. Sorry about leaving the packed boxes behind and the “parcel” in the garage. Truly I am. But I don’t need any of any of it. – Well, on this note, I’m popping this entry on-line and heading up to the room for the night. Tomorrow I’ll have to think about eating. Of course, tomorrow I have to send dear Silas what little money I’ve been holding onto and some of which needs to go to Nancy. But as I’ve said already today: I NEED to have this hearing. To lose because I simply let it go would be terrible. I must at least give it a try and in order to do that I need the internet and from the e-mail I received today, in order to keep the internet for as long as I need it, I have to pay for it. All I’m going to say is: I will send the money… if the internet service goes before the hearing is done… I’ll be leaving quite the memory behind on the 15th. And where I’m going, there won’t be no damned cops. – OK. Time to sign off. I’m NOT going to be heading to cot at some “o’clock am” hour again tonight. – Signing off let me say: I GOT TO SEE “LES TRIPLETTES DE BELLEVILLE” in it’s entirety!!!! WOOHOO! Fascinating. Hopefully the weather will be kind on the 15th. I have a copy of the video on the iPod… kick back, sip a martini and … – Goodnight world. Goodbye March 2013. What an educational experience you turned out to be… If it was physical, I’d be haemorrhaging at full flow from my arse hole right now.