FROM SINCE ABOUT 28 MARCH UNTIL 4 APRIL, ALMOST 2 WEEKS, I COULDN’T BREATHE. THE CONGESTION IN MY CHEST WAS HORRIFIC! COUGHING UP CLOTS OF MUCOUS, RUMBLING IN THE LUNGS, FEELING WEAK, HEAD-ACHE, MUSCLE AND GENERAL BODY ACHES, JUST FEELING AS IF I WAS ABOUT TO SIMPLY DROP AND DIE. AND WHEN I MENTIONED MY MALAISE… “IF WE GET A RIDE-ON MOWER, WOULD YOU…..?” & “DID YOU EVER CONSIDER SELLING YOUR CAR?” & A CONNECTION OF SELLING MY CAR BECAUSE A MOWER WOULD COST 500$… I SELL THE CAR, GIVE THE MONEY TO BUY A MOWER? & THE WHINING BECAUSE OF HAVING A COLD (JL) & “IN 6 MONTHS THEY WANT TO CHANGE MY HOURS… I CAN’T DRIVE FROM FRANKLIN TO BURLINGTON EVERY DAY.” & “IS THERE ANY MORE WOOD AT THE GLIDDENS’?” & “SOMEBODY’S GOT TO TAKE CARE OF THE GARDEN.” & “YOU COULD CUT-UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE.” – I AM, AGAIN, GOOD ONLY FOR THE WORK… ONLY FOR THE WORK.

Fri.1.Apr: 7.13 I’ve been “up” since about 5.30 but… well, first of all, let’s note: 17° out there at 5.45! Overcast, but 17° with a forecast high of 16? OK then! – Next note of the morning: I had to blow my nose when I woke… BLOOD CLOTS. Very nice indeed. – The congestion in the chest? Still there this morning. Apparently not as bad (or so I think) because I’m not waking feeling removed. But still there and with that “copper” or “metalic” “taste” when hacked up. – House here is empty, the pellet stove is running, me and the dogs alone. – OH! And last night, the lap-top (which I can’t use with the power cord attached because SOMETHING runs in the back-ground when the power cord is attached and it jams the fucking piece of shit that this lap-top is) battery ran down and the shit-thing shut itself down… WELL! THIS MORNING I powered it back up and…. EVERYTHING WAS STILL RUNNING! EVEN THE URL THAT I’D COPIED BEFORE THE SHIT SHUT DOWN! THE INTERENET WAS CONNECTED TO MY WORDPRES AUTHOR’S BLOG AND ALL! FRUCKING SHITTY FREAKY! Yes, convenient, but still. – And so, that said, count-down to the run-down. I’m not going to bust my arse at Jacquie’s this week-end (and this lap-top if fucking about with me with the slow-down and I’m annoyed). But I’ll get MY things together and such. – Hopefully what Bob said (Lyle will be discharged on Monday) is true. – 12.31 I got up an out of the bed at about 10.00, almost on the dot…
down-stairs to feed/water the goilz, let them out, had a smoke,
headed to Jacquie’s. There…
put my bed-linens in the washer,
fed/watered Hallie,
fed Mme. Blanche-Noire,
washed a sink-full of dishes,
brought the last of the wood into the kitchen from the garage,
Hoovered the floors,
cleaned stove and counter-tops,
had a bowl of ice cream and headed out the door to come back to la cage where…
walked in the door and Dixie almost tripped me trying to get out, so I put her on the lead and put her out,
with my 2 totes AND the Hoover, came up-stairs,
Hoovered the room and upper hall,
went down to empty the ash bucket from the pellet stove,
back up to make the bed,
back down to bring in TWO bags of pellets to the parlour,
smoke with Dixie because Ellie wouldn’t go out.
And now am lying ON the bed ready for a quick nap which I don’t know that I need so much as want whilst I may because I can’t be certain that tonight will be “peace”. Alas… as I sing the lyrics: In this bed with-out rest… I’m Homeless. Later, I’ll go to Jacquie’s, 2 pot pies for dinner and wash my clothes and shower. Friday will be done… although I doubt that because, well… I did ALL OF THE ABOVE AFTER THREE DAYS OF NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND OYGEN ANY-WHERE ON THE PLANET AND BLOOD CLOTS BLOWN FROM MY NOSE THIS MORNING. Oh well… As I made the bed I thought: If all goes well and I go to Plattsburgh, at least there it will be an understood fact that I’ll have housing in exchange for all the work I do, un-like here where the work done means nothing, nor do I. BUT, as I thought this morning as I worked at Jacquie’s… when I’m gone… things will be different here in this shit-fucker town… and nothing will be done any more: no house-cleaning, pets attended, gardens and flower-beds attended… nothing. Oh well… I get the work done so that the only thing necessary there-after is maintenance and they can’t even do that much. FUKKEMALL. – On that note… – 21.19 LAUNDRY DONE! SHOWERED! 2 POT-PIES AND ICE CREAM FOR DINNER! WATCHED A LITTLE TV! THE DAY IS DONE! – 10° out-side. 25° in the room. The window is still open a bit on the bottom. I’m leaving it that way over-night, especially since Bob made curried chicken for dinner and the room smells of curry. Ah, how I remember the days of curry in the house… and trying to get the smell out once the cooking was done. Good memories… and sad too… memories… that’s all they are. – Anyway, add to the day’s accomplishments:
moved the pallets and door into the wood shed,
finally straighten the fence in the back by attaching part to one of the trees with an old bungee,
put the cinder-block back under the corner of the porch…
and I WILL say that, although I made it through the morning rather well, in spite of being short of oxygen, the afternoon stuff knocked the HELL out of me! I even took a 25 min nap before Bob got back at about 18.00 and I headed over to Hallie for dinner, laundry, and such. – Report sent to Ms. Jacquie. I’m having a “Twisted Tea” with my 2gm vit.C this evening. I smell clean. The linens smell slightly of the PineSol I used on them. Nice and clean. – BOOMBOOM due back on Sunday. Oh well… it’s been nice. – No further word from Plattsburgh. But… I keep thinking: it’s nice to have a possible option open AND to know that there ARE people who look for “Gentlemen Grounds-keepers”. – Time to finish the “tea”, browse a bit of soc.med. and try for another full-night nap. No telling what tomorrow will bring.

Sat.2.Apr: 7.20 Slept-in on another day of no air, waking to hacking and rumbling in the chest and feeling “dragged”. – Over-cast. Temperature back down to 40°F on the wood-shed. But not all “that” cold. The window still open because it’s still quite warm in the room. And looking at getting over to Hallie in a bit. The kitchen floor needs a mopping. My “wrappings” from the little pizzas and pot pies (and ice cream) need to be disposed-of. No wood stove this week-end. Oh well. I’ll think of something. I usually do. – But, I’m “clean”. How charming. – In this bed with-out rest, I’m Homeless. And thinking of the possibility of Plattsburgh… and a car that won’t run. And a passport that will soon need renewal. – Good morning. Here we go again. – 14.49 Hallie from 9-11.00. Came back to la cage, up-stairs and HAD to lie down… and WOKE at 14.30! 2,5HOURS of SLEEP! Just up from a smoke and made a coffee and truth be told… I could go right back to sleep! SO FUCKING BLOODY TIRED! – Bob’s in the kitchen. He’d done and folded laundry and is now tidying the kitchen. WHAT a day! – 21.34 In bed. Went to Hallie at about 16.00 and made hot Chunky soup with the left-over cheese curds and a roll. Not bad. Filling. Burnt the boxes from the pizzas and pot pies. Watched TV. Fed Hallie. Mopped the kitchen floor. Left there round about 20.00. Came back. Bob has cleaned the place up amazingly! He does that when Lyle’s not around. And we watched a movie (about cannibalism…). It’s done, we smoked and now I’ve had my 2gm vit.C and am having a “Tea”. Tired, but not exhausted. Hopefully will just sleep through the night. Tired enough, I think. Always just so damned tired of late. – Will send a brief “report” to Jacquie. Last night I mentioned the bloody nose and such. Her reply was something about having her work-hours changed. Around here it’s all about the “work” that “I” can/can’t do. As long as I “work”… that’s all. I’m tired of it. Fukkem though. I’m not doing any more than I want. That’s the truth. Just what makes me happy and keeps my mind off of where I am, how miserable I feel. Passing time. Passing time.

Sun.3.Apr: 8.03 I woke in the darkness, congested, coughed quite a bit, thought it too early to wake and dozed back off. Woke again, at 6.28, congested, turned the 6.30 alarm off and dozed again. JUST woke, to the bright sun-shine, got up, had coffee and went down for a smoke with Bob in the -4° breezes. And in moments from now… Sunday morning commences. Lovely. Right. Sure. Sunday morning. BFD. – 10.38 Hallie fed. I brought 2 logs from the pine in the back and got a fire going in the stove at Jacquie’s. I figure: stuffed chickens, t-shirts and milk bottles are OK, then pine WOOD is OK too. Mme. Poulet is fed and watered. And I’m back and sitting to coffee. Fuck the rest. My back is “twinging”. My chest is “heavy”. I could truly nap again. Fuck the rest. – 19.28 I am IN bed… and BOOMBOOM is back. BOOMBOOMBOOM! I don’t understand how it is that Bob can watch TV and there isn’t a sound in the house. But that comes in and BOOMBOOMBOOM. Well… I’m back from Jacquie’s where it just became impossible to sit and hear the “Woe is me!”. I’d gone over at 15.00 and the pine I’d put into the stove was still solid and hot, but I put in 3 fresh bits of pine and had the flue closed. Ah… I left there at about 15.10 and got back to la cage to find BOOMBOOM and Bob in the kitchen. Bob served a bowl of his chili so I had some of that. Very good! I didn’t know what I was going to eat this evening. Then came up to the room to post book promos on the soc.med. which I’d created today as well. Message from Ms. Jacquie. She’d gotten in at about 15.15! So at about 17.00 I went over to see that she’d opened the flue on the stove AND THE WOOD WAS ALL BUT GONE! SHE BURNS THE SHIT AWAY! FINE! BUT THEN SHE SAYS “I HOPE THERE’S MORE WOOD OVER THERE AT GLIDDENS’.” FUCK YOU! WHY? SO *I* CAN CARRY IT OVER SO YOU CAN BURN IT ALL TO HELL? NOT TO MENTION, PINE WASN’T “GOOD” TO BURN IN THE STOVE UNTIL NOW WHEN THE TEMPERATURE IS READING 5°F ON THE BARN AND SHE’S OUT FOR THE SEASON. FUCK NO! AND THEN THERE WAS THE BOO-HOO ABOUT THE JOB. THEY’RE TELLING HER THAT IN 6 MOS. THEY WANT TO TAKE HER OFF THE 3 DAYS OF DOUBLES AND PUT HER ON 5 DAYS OF WORK. AND SHE’S BITCHING! SHE’S GOT A JOB AND SHE’S WHINING! THEN, PAM PHONES AND SHE GOES INTO THE “DID I EVER TAKE TIME OFF? NO.” AND “I WORKED WITH …. FOR A YEAR WHEN NOBODY ELSE WOULD AND DID I EVER COMPLAIN? NO.” AND “I DIDN’T EVEN GET DRESSED ALL DAY ON MONDAY, THAT’S HOW SICK I WAS BUT DID I COMPLAIN OR TAKE TIME OFF? NO.” AND THERE I’M SITTING AND THINKING “I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU HOW DRAINED AND SHORT OF BREATH AND SUCH I AM, AND WHAT DID YOU SAY?”…. “WHO’S GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE GARDEN?” FUUUUUUUUUKYOO! AND THEN SHE ADDS SOME KIND OF SHIT ABOUT BEING “ABANDONED” IN THE PARKING LOT IN BTV WHEN SHE GETS BACK FROM ITALY! WE’D ALREADY DISCUSSED THAT, I’VE LOOKED INTO IT AND THE TIMING SO I CAN BE THERE WHEN SHE ARRIVES AND SHE SAYS THAT KIND OF SHIT TO PAM! NOW I DON’T WONDER WHAT’S SAID BEHIND MY BACK… I KNOW! So I brought Hallie out for a “biznis”, check on the poor chicken up the tree in the cold, opened the barn door for her, brought Hallie back into the house, whispered my buy-bye because Ms. Jacquie was still on the phone whining to Pam and I left. Got back to la cage, brought in a bag of pellets, Lyle’s asleep on the recliner, TV blaring, Bob’s in bed… I just came to the room, put on water for a licorice tea, had a tin of mangoes (the last of the larder) and am IN bed, hearing the dull BOOMBOOM and hoping that on the 11th, I can get to Walmart, cash my cheque, get a car battery and get the car on the road some-how, get to Plattsburgh to interview there and GET THE FUCK OUT AND AWAY QUICKLY, COMFORTABLY AND SOON! – I really can’t take the Aleve tonight with my chest congestion, so it’s going to be another 2-plug night for sleep and I’m SO hoping I can just get to sleep SOON and through the night. PLEASE!!!!! I doubt it, but I can hope. – Yes, this is all wearing me down… WAY DOWN and right now all I want is to be healthy enough to get this Plattsburgh position and to enjoy some PEACE in my final what-evers. I know… TOO TOO MUCH to ask for, but… FUCK THE WORLD at this point! Just fuck them all. – On that… soc.med., tea, and hope for sleep. Tomorrow is Monday and I’ll have to put up with TWO whiners, I’m quite certain.

Mon.4.Apr: 5.57 From 20.00 last night until NOW! Slept right through. Woke once to pee. Plugs in BOTH ears through the night. AND… AND… AND… WOKE WITH NO CONGESTION! SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG! (And truthfully? I do NOT want to be awake…. I’d like to stay in bed under the covers, eyes closed and “AWAY” from all of this shit. But… click… the coffee water’s done.) – 6.14 Coffee. Smoke. -10° on the shed thermo. And I can BREATHE! And back under the covers. I can BREATHE! – Bad mood though. (See opening for the month which I’ve decided to add this morning.) – 7.08 Just finished the image for this month… and befitting as it is. Had to go to e-mail to get the “back-up” and checked for phone messages… Ms. Jacquie… OK. 1. The fellow is due to come to check the broken dish-washer between 9-12.00 this morning… the message from Ms.Jacquie: her MaryRose wants to post a package IN Canada and Ms.Jacquie will be going to fetch her at about 11.30! Ah yes? AND there’s some little shop or something up there that Ms.MaryRose wants to go to see AND they’ll make a spin by Keiser fromagerie. Well then… so much for her NEEDED trip to BTV to the banque AND I will be fucked diagonally if I’m going to toddle about the country-side with Ms.MaryRose! NOT to mention… the dishwasher needs repair and HOW DARE it be taken for granted that I’ll sit over there waiting for THAT! HEY! YOUR fucking house, not mine… And of ALL times: as I recall the bit about the lawn-mowing, the garden work, and the wood for the stove. And all this shit before 7.15am. (My chest is closing again… I wonder why…. NOT!) Good fucking morning here then. – FUKKOFF!!! – 21.42 This was rather a wasted, wasteful day spent in the room for the most part. I’d been invited to go to Québec with Jacquie and her MaryRose. Jaquie had left 2 messages but I simply didn’t reply. Well, she chooses not to reply/respond to my messages and statements. I wasn’t in the mood. I have that right. – My back has been stiff and rather a bit painful all day too. And all through the day, the anxieties about tonight: BOOMBOOM again. I can’t help but wonder if that’s not part of the back trouble: the anxieties of not being able to get any MUCH-needed rest at the end of a day. – AH, BUT… ANOTHER REPLY FROM THE CRGSTLST LISTING! A CABIN ON THE GROUNDS OF A “B&B” IN NEW YORK! NOW THAT WOULD BE DELIGHTFUL! AND I’M RATHER AMAZED AT THE FACT THAT I ‘VE RECEIVED THREE REPLIES! THE ONE IN CROWN POINT HAS DISAPPEARED. BUT THERE’S ONE IN PLATTSBURGH AND THE B&B IS IN BETWEEN IN PORT HENRY. DO I HAVE THE STAMINA? HOW WILL I MANAGE FOOD AND SMOKES AND THE CAR? THINGS I NEED TO PONDER BUT… THREE REPLIES! IT’S NOT “IMPOSSIBLE”. – Meanwhile, Bob came in and made rice and curried chicken this evening and I had about 2 table-spoons of each with them. It was quite good. Just enough too, to get rid of the immediate hunger. There’s one tin of “chunky soup” and one time of the “chef pasta” but no noshies. Just enough though. – I’ll soon be out of smokes too. A cheque for 67$ to my name and 33$US in the banque. Tough times are coming… again. And are here already. – This evening, earlier, I saw Jacquie driving up the road toward Jess&Kerry’s. Dinner, no doubt. No problem there. She, Kerry, annoys me with her business of moving to Québec and such. Not to mention her political shit, being such a supporter of the PM. I don’t want or need the aggravation. Best to be here, in the room. – Well, the lap-top is un-plugged and running low and I’ll have to get along here anyway. I’ve been in bed and ready for sleep for hours now… watching “QI” again. My respite, sanity, reprieve, escape… memories of Richford. Not MUCH better then than now but over-all, better, I should think. “Then” sometimes seems better than “now”… and in fact, it probably wasn’t at all. That’s “life” as it is. – BOOMBOOM in the parlour and I’m off to two ear-plugs again tonight. – BUT… Tonight I get to ponder: B&B offer from Criag’s List! I HAVE TO FIGURE THIS ONE OUT! LUV!

Tue.5.Apr: 6.30 I cannot die here. – Another very restless night. My lower back. BOOMBOOM through the night. At 1.46 this morning, it was still going strong. I woke at 4.30, turned the light on over the bed and drifted back to snooze when I heard Bob getting ready to go to work. – It’s chilly again this morning. The shed thermo reads -10 so it’s probably closer to -20 or so. – How odd: I get my breathing back and my back goes out. I wonder what’s going on there. Strangulated intestines? A tumour? What? – I’m thinking of the jobs offered back in NY. I’m wondering how I’ll manage that. The car: a battery? Something more? I’ll have to take the 300$ from the PO “retirement” fund and put it into the car to get me on the road. It’s not enough. The tax money would have made such a HUGE difference. But… such is my existence. And will I need to get a new tyre? Will the battery be enough to get me on the road? Is there something so badly rusted that it’ll fall off as I drive? Fuel line trouble? I cannot die here. For many reasons, I cannot die here. – And this morning I have this over-whelming feeling: New York, I must get back to New York. Silly, how, once upon a time, I SO wanted to go aback to Québec. Not so much any longer. Oh well. Time changes so much. Time. Now there’s something I’m running out of… physically. I’m getting… no… I have gotten “old”. –
GOT IT

continue

8.51 Every morning for about an entire year now, I wake, wondering if I’ll be able to actually get out of bed, stand up, get to the loo. I lay in bed, awake, before the break of dawn, and for a few moments, I wonder if there will be more pain when I move, even to take the blankets off from over me. And when I do move, just to uncover, every morning, there is pain… in my lower back. Pressing, some-times knife-like pain around my waist, on my spine, my hips. And so I move, slowly, carefully, remove the blankets and consciously roll to my side, knees bent so as to feel the least amount of pain possible, and I stand, very much aware of the pain running down my legs, legs that obviously don’t want to hold me up. But I stand, and I hold my breath, clench my teeth, and get on with making my morning coffee. There was one morning, a few months back, when I literally could NOT stand, could NOT get out of the bed because of the pain. The muscles in my lower back were cinched tightly, and the pain was excruciating! Like white-hot, sharpened rods being thrust into the bones and muscles of my lower back. It burned and ground my vertebrae. I had not choice at all, so I laid back down on the bed, and pulled my body tightly into a foetal position, to relieve some of the pain. It was the only thing I could do to keep from being completely paralysed. And I laid there, breathing heavily, in silence for a while. When, at last, I got the strength and courage, and the pain was at a point where I could move again, I got up off the bed, slowly, and still painfully, made my coffee, made my way to the loo and back into the room where, ever so slowly, I changed from sleep-wear to clothes, and I carefully and quietly made my way down the stairs for my morning smoke with the dogs. After, I made my way back up the stairs, back to the bed where I returned to a position of least pain, and I laid there, alone, in quiet, hoping for nothing more or less than to fall asleep… my only “escape” from the suffering. Later that day, a day of laying on the bed, pulling my body tightly into itself, when I again, got up to make an appearance, smiling and keeping my pain to myself, I was asked to get a 40lb bag of wood pellets in from the porch to the parlour for the wood stove. And, still keeping my own torture to myself where it belonged, I did… I did get the bag of pellets AND lifted it to empty it into the stove. When I’d done, I returned, all but wanting to shriek in pain and suffering, to the bed where again, I assumed the position of least pain, pulling my knees up under my chin, arms wrapped round my folded legs, and again, hoped to return to a pain-free sleep. – When, on the next day, I mentioned the suffering of the day before, to 3 different people around me, the subject of our chatting was changed… and my own suffering was dismissed. – I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t ask that anybody else do any favours or chores. Not yesterday and not the day after. And when the pain finally subsided, I returned to my normal functions, as if nothing had happened. – Two days later I noticed: I had no sensation in my right thigh. When I mentioned it, twice, to two different people, the response was that I may have pinched a nerve… and again, the subject was changed swiftly. And every day since that paralysing day, each and every day begins with pain, I wonder, when I wake, if I’ll be able to get out of bed, pain-free, and each and every day it’s the same: pain. – I don’t ask to be taken to hospital. I don’t ask to have errands run. I don’t ask that others help with carrying wood, pellets, attending animals, the yard, the work. I don’t ask because, over the course of my life-time I’ve learnt: keep my mouth shut and do NOT ask for help or support because, on the rare occasions when I HAVE asked, the subject gets changed OR others immediately jump into their own discomforts and such and I and mine are left un-addressed, as if they’d never been spoken of or on. It’s annoying at best, to be brushed away, brushed off. – And when, more recently, I spoke of my inability to breathe properly, spoke of my fatigue and general lack of abilities to function “normally”, the response was to worry about who was going to attend to the work that was to come with the warmer weather. “Who will take care of the garden?” And when, even as I gulped large quantities of air, hoping for a bit of oxygen for my labouring lungs, I carried wood from one back yard to the kitchen of a house 2 houses away, the response was “Is there any more wood over there?” because the coming days were expected to be cold. There is/was oil for the furnace and electric for the little heater, but wood that needed to be carried was most important. – But I’ve learnt to keep my mouth shut and keep my own pains inside me, and to not speak of or on or about the pains. – So now, the others who have never bothered to mind my words have their own pains and tribulations. And others make it more than abundantly clear that THEY expect some sort of sympathy, compassion and perhaps even empathy. And I’ve none to give. And they think me cold, cruel, uncaring, dispassionate, unforgivably selfish. They think me horrid and drown out my own sufferings and discomfort with their own stories of their own difficulties. And they think me rude when I don’t “perform” for them. And they think me irresponsible when the work and chores I do in spite of my own pain don’t get done because my own pain is such that i physically cannot do. And I keep my mouth shut, and my pain and suffering to myself. I say nothing. But I’ve also learnt to dodge and dismiss the cruelty of others and their apathy. In my own mind, I retreat to my own thoughts, my own heart and soul, remain silent pondering, planning and plotting my own escape… the time and place when I will simply get up from where I am, wander off to an isolated place, alone, sit down quietly, off and away, and in silence, wait for all of what-ever is “wrong” with me, to take me out of and away from this misery. and the only way anybody will notice that I’m not about is by the fact that all the “work” I’ve done will no longer get done. And then? They’ll talk of me in unfavourable sentences, with horrid words, and they’ll think me a deserter, “shirking” as it has already been said, my “responsibilities” toward and for THEM. And “life”, for them, will go on… and all of my contributions will have been for nought… turned rather, into negligence. – And I? My remains will be rotting away some-where… earth to earth… and none if it will have happened, none of it will have mattered and none if it will matter ever again. – I don’t expect anything different.

9.28 When I got up at about 8.40 to dress and head down for a smoke, I happened to look out the window just as Jacquie was leaving the store next door. Off and running again. I wonder if there’s an envelope on the table over there. I wonder if she’s gone to Burlington as she said she needed to before the 5th. I’ll check to see if there’s a message on the “voice-mail”… telling me that she’s gone to town, she’ll be back “by 6” and that Hallie is alone in the house. – 9.32 Nope… no message. Perhaps Kerry will attend. I’ll be out and about in a bit anyway. There are things I’d LIKE to get done today. Trees to be cut and a little yard-work I’d like to do. And whilst out, I can check the table… but I’m not counting on anything. I know better. – 21.24 IN BED AT LAST! A wasted day. I went to visit with Jacquie this afternoon and it led into dinner with her and Kerry and some news tonight. I mentioned the 3 “offers” in NY. Some-how I think it pulled a plug on her. At the end of dinner she said, to Kerry, that if it weren’t for the “newcomers” to Franklin, she’d have no friends here at all, meaning, in particular, me and Kerry and Pam and such. Newcomers. And she alluded to losing interest in the garden if I’m not here over the Summer. But I told her that I’ve learnt from being Homeless, how quickly things can change, that I truly do NOT want to stay in VT anymore, how, truthfully, I feel about coming into la cage the way I felt going into the shelter AND that I anticipate going in one day and hearing “We’ve been doing some thinking….” and it will be all over, done and gone. “But Bob needs you there.” said she. That doesn’t matter, I pointed out to her. Oh well, as I say to me: I cannot live for them… they do not live for me. – Oh… got Jacquiewc1 limabeans on Twtr so she can “follow” her pope. – So moments ago I walk into the place, the lights are off, the bass from the TV can be heard out-side the back door. I brought the dogs out. They HAD to “go”! And as we’re out there, Lyle gets up and hits the ice cream… a LARGE serving! Says “I’m trying to un-wind here. Bob’s been miserable with head-ache. He came in and went right to bed.” UN-WIND? (and now scrapes the fucking kitchen chair across the floor… I can hear it all the way up in the room). UN-WIND? Please! – And… at 21.31 the slight but present BOOMBOOM rumbles through the walls. – I have to reply to the cottage B&B offer tomorrow! (FUCK! The BOOMBOOMBOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!) And indeed… I shall. – Oh, I mentioned how Bob wants be to sell the car and Jacquie says “You HAVE it! You can still use it! You need to have a car!” and then when I mentioned the ride-on mower she said “I’ve got that mower in the barn. You can use THAT to mow their lawn.” as if the very thought that I should sell the car for their mower disgusted her. (I swear that shit just turned the volume up on the TV! Fucktard!) Well… here’s hoping I won’t be here when the lawn needs mowing. And hoping even more-so that I can get to sleep… FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING NIGHT!

Wed.6.Apr: 7.46 I woke. I stretched. And something in my left rib-cage “shifted” and… Good-morning…. PAIN! And so the day begins. – The crawl down the stairs felt as if I was “falling” in air. I glanced into the parlour and from behind me: “Good-morning Jude.” Lyle is awake, in the kitchen, making Maypo. I went out, into the cold, for my smoke, with Ellie. – This morning begins with:
In this house where I grew up, with cozy chairs and broken cups.
Mem’ries piled up to the ceiling. Can they tell what I am feeling?
I know this house out-side and in.
But 3 birds fly upon my skin.
Lay my head down in the darkness, like so many nights before this.
In this bed with-out rest… I’m Homeless.
The first thought of the morning: a pint of ice-cream… fluid restrictions. Oh yes, back to non-compliance. Margot: I want some empathy. And New York. – Good thing I didn’t go down with my bag of garbage this morning. It’s trash day. I’ve got 2 bags in the closet. I don’t know that anything would be said. I don’t want to be bothered thinking about whether or not something would be said. So the garage remains in the closet… again. – I can’t say “Why” he makes me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s the switches in mood and attitude. And “I’ve been very good to you.” “Aquarians”. It just doesn’t work well. – Time to get on with the day. Just roll along. KADIMA! – It will all be what it will all be. – 19.14 IN BED! Just having tea. The computer is fucking up with the touch-pad scroller locking AGAIN and all sorts of shit. – Ah… AND IT’S SNOWING! I MEAN… *** SNOWING *** Started at about 15.30 and it’s STILL coming! By about 17.00 there were about 5cm out there! I’d just gone back into Jacquie’s after:
sawing a board for the gate (I need another one though)
clipping and sawing the xmas tree (2 pieces of pine for the wood stove?)
and
putting clippings into buckets to make a “pine tea” for the blueberries
and then clipping down that Boxalder at the corner of the drive
cleaned-up that corner of the yard
brought the “King’s Taste” sign into the greenhouse
cleaned up in front of the greenhouse
brought 3 bags of top soil into the greenhouse (they’re frozen blocks)
repaired the porch door
walked into the house and looked back to see a light “mist” of snow… turned to get the broom to sweep the floor and it had turned to all-out SNOW! Covered the ground with-in about 10 minutes. OK… so I took the “dip” that Jacquie had spilt her wine into last night, poured ME a small glass of wind, and some “cracker-things” and sat to watch some TV for a bit. Got up to get Hallie her dinner at about 17.00 and the WORLD was covered in snow! Oh well… – So I came back to la cage, let the poor dogs out to pee (EMERGNECY pee… the poor things). Sat and watched a bit of TV with Bob and Lyle. Came to the room, had the last tin of “chef” pasta shells, back down to take a couple of
******PHOTOS ****** of the SNOW *****
stopped by the parlour where the TV was/is going and came up to the room, put on my licorice tea, took 2 AlevePM because I’m tired, the BOOMBOOM is going, I might have pinched my back again, picking up the bags of top soil, and I’m ready to TRY TRY TRY THE FUCK to get to SLEEP! BOOMBOOMBOOM!!!! Oh well. – The plow has been by once already and the snow it STILL (at 19.24) coming down. Oh well… Oh well, indeed. – Hopefully I’ll be able to drift to sleep (in spite of the BOOMBOOM). – Jacquie’s due back at about 21.00 in this snow. I left the back lights on for her. I hope she makes it perfectly fine. – 6 April and all this snow! And I believe there’s 2 more days of it coming. Oh well… oh well… oh what the fuck well. – 21.00 Stepped down and out the door for a last smoke, alone, thankfully. And as I stood on the back porch, the snow falling and the wind blowing. a gust of brisk, chilled air blew in my face. I smelled SO GOOD! The Winter, the smell of snow. And I closed my eyes and for that moment, I went back to *G’s in Nyack*… the front lawn, that one night, when Denis and I laid on the frost-covered tall grasses, and I rolled to lay on the grass to keep him protected from the cold. The feeling of that cold crunchy grass on my back, and him on top of me, so warm. “Fire and Ice”, of sorts. I took several “gulps” of the cold wind and for that moment, the “World” was well again. – Back up in the room, the memories of *Mr.G’s* in Washingtonville… the bungalows in the back, standing in front of “The Stone House”, looking at the windows, lighted from with-in, and the fire place, the folks inside. “The Main House”, the music, the people inside, dancing, having drinks, sitting in the parlour, talking. People from local and away. Even in our worst moments, there, we were really quite happy… back then. I should be content today… I had “Happiness” and I had “Contentment”… I had “Love” and I gave “Love”… I had people close to me… there. I had it… then. I’ll never have it again, but… I had it all… then… there. Had… Then. Hey, some people NEVER get that. Maybe, if there IS a “Heaven”, if we “go” and if I get to “go”… that’s where I’ll go: Heaven… Never-ending week-end at G’s.

Thu.7.Apr: 7.27 Up from the smoke after an almost sleep-through night last night. (About 1.45 this morning, I woke with a horrid dry cough that almost took the breath out of my lungs, but went directly back to sleep thankfully.) THERE’S ABOUT A FOOT OF SNOW OUT THERE THIS MORNING! IT’S BEGINNING TO MELT ALREADY, PACKING SNOW, I IMAGINE. BUT WOW! DID IT EVER SNOW THROUGH THE NIGHT! Over-cast this morning. And I’d truly like to go right back to sleep but… no, not me. I can’t. “I” won’t allow me to do so, and there’s something that must be done anyway… like clearing the snow out there. – It was difficult getting to sleep last night, even with 2 ear-plugs in I could hear the BOOMBOOM for a while. But one thing I’m truly grateful for: my back is OK. My chest is OK. I am OK. – Imagine… I’ve been in an un-heated room for 3 years. Yes, I’m spoiled and miserable and selfish and such. 3 years. Oh well. – A “new” day. And an old attitude: Fuck it, fuck me, fuck all. – *Mr.G’s*… Heaven. A never-ending week-end… People all over the world, join hands. Start a ‘Love Train’, ‘Love Train’. You were every-thing, and every-thing was you. – 12.02 Back in. Sweating! Shoveled Jacquie’s back stoop and room to get to the truck, AND the front and back of la cage. Princess is in bed.. sleeping. It must be SO exhausting, BOOMBOOMING all fucking night. I DID get few moments to play with Dixie, out in the snow (as it turns to heavy slush which is what I’ve shovelled).- Chocolate donuts and half’n’half for brunch now. – This morning I replied to the B&B in Port Henry. Let’s see how that turns out. May the car make the trips necessary when the time comes. I’d like that job… hopefully it’s not seasonal. We shall see. – Sweaty now and chilled. But, a little “rest” and there’ll be something else to do. NEVER will there be NOTHING to DO! – 14.04 Took a 28-minute nap and at 13.50 I hear a loud “JUDE!”, Lyle was in the tub, stuck, couldn’t get out. OK. So… first day I get to be “useful at the house”. Oh… this can’t keep on like this. OR, there’s going to HAVE to be a “chat”. And to think: I drifted off feeling wonderful about having TWO positions open back in NY! My “life” (LIFE?) is a fuck! – 19.53 an back in the bed after a… day. Saw Jacquie this morning. Kerry stopped by to show her “potential houses” in Granby. Jacquie and I had tea. Kerry came back. I shovelled Jacquie’s back stoop, then the front of la cage. The snow was turning to slush so it was, honestly, rather heavy, but I got it done. Came in and after a bit of soc.med. tried for a 28-minute lie-down. I’d no sooner wakened when I heard Lyle’s voice calling. Got him out of the shower and as he sat on the toilet, catching his breath, he wanted ME to talk to Bob to tell him of the event. I did. Bob told me to tell Lyle to notify the MD that he’d cancel his appointment. I didn’t tell Lyle so at about 15.04 Bob phoned Lyle, who was back in bed. Well… Lyle got up and got dressed and when Bob got back from work they went to the MD. – Ah… timing. They came back JUST as I was leaving the store with my tin of penne soup (lousy), package of rolls and ice cream for dinner tonight. I merely said “Shopping for Jacquie.” Lyle looks terrible! Eyes wide open on a very white face, drawn. (The rest of him is quite drooped from all the weight-loss.) – And so, by 18.00 I was with Ms. Hallie. Got her dinner, had my soup and we then went to sit with “Mrs. Chicken” on the front porch for a while. I actually got into a singing sort of mood for a while. – Then Hallie and I watched a bit of TV. Local shit mostly. The “CBS” network. And, at about 19.30, I came back to la cage to let the ladies out. – Dixie’s got diarrhoea for some reason today. She and Ellie got “breakfast” at about 14.00! It sickens me to think that when I’m no longer here, they might not get fed at all. Well? I don’t know. That’s the best I can say… I don’t know. I can’t stay here much longer but my heart aches when I think of them. – Time for a peppermint tea… send Jacquie the “report” and try for SOME sleep with the BOOMBOOM in the parlour. Lyle’s on the recliner. I knew he wouldn’t be able to make it back up the stairs tonight. Bob’s in bed. He was obviously tired when he got in. They too, will have to figure something when I’m gone… when I’m gone… may it be a GOOD move this time.

Fri.8.Apr: 7.10 Just up from smoke. *NEIGE* Third day in a row. Yesterday’s had turned to rain and was completely gone. This morning, it’s coming steadily and strong again. It’s supposed to turn to rain again. We can only wait and see. But in the last 10 minutes or so, the ground is covered again, the grass in the back yard is disappearing again. Ah… April. Perhaps a hint, that there’s still time to “leave” all of this. Perhaps. – And as I had my smoke, the song “la maison ou j’ai grandi”… “la maison….” Mr. G’s. I wonder how Denis is these days. I wonder why I’m still here. And thoughts of the offers in NY. One was for the season. One for Crown Point. One for Port Henry. One for Plattsburgh. I’ve declined the seasonal. Crown Point has a “dance studio” beside what would be my quarters; I think that one will be declined, although “Jo and Wally” seem to want, very much, to meet and have corresponded. Port Henry is a B&B and a “cabin” or “cottage” and might be quite nice but there’s been no word from them. And Plattsburgh seems to have drifted away. Time… we shall see. – The house is quiet. But I think there’s a dog out-side the door to the room. A dog… and I have to get to Ms. Hallie this morning. – I’m pondering the laundry. Pondering la cage. How much time I should stay here “In Case of Emergency”. – I “can” speak as if compassionate. “How are you this morning?” “Are you better?” “Oh don’t mention it.” “Glad that I can be of help.” and not really. I can… I do… I don’t want to any longer. – Didn’t get to sleep until just past mid-night last night. 7 hours of sleep though. I woke to the alarm, turned the light on, drifted back to sleep. – Another morning begins another day. I don’t want to. – 18.53 In bed. Calling it a wrap. Wasted day for the most part. Hallie in the later morning. Back into the room for the rest of the day. Bob back at about 16.30. I went to Hallie. Had ice cream for “dinner” and one tin of “chunky pot pie” for tomorrow, I suppose. I napped for over an hour today too. Lyle slept most of the day. Managed to dress and get to the parlour. I didn’t do laundry. I didn’t clean the room. I didn’t shower today. Nothing is “normal”. And I’ve no appetite and I don’t really care either. Just lethargic in mind, mood and attitude. There’s tomorrow. Oh well. – 2 responses to the canoe offer. I’m a touch pissed that I’m expected to take it on entirely. So if I can get 900 for the canoe, I’ll take it and hope to get a “commission”. Will re-post all including the drafting table, desk and splitter. I can’t find the photos of the splitter though. Oh well. Will do my best. – For now, Bob and Lyle in the parlour. Snow falling again this evening. That snow like little styro balls. This morning’s snow was gone… and here comes more. – Peppermint tea at bed-side. I almost don’t want that either. No appetite, as I say. I wonder why. Depression? Could very well be. NY is so close and yet, the car… Always something. – On to the “report” to Jacquie, a little soc.med. and to HOPEFULLY SLEEP through the night. Early to Hallie tomorrow and hopefully laundry, hair-cut and such. Hopefully. That Kelly is in town, I’ve no doubt. She took Hallie out at 13.00 today, left her note on the kitchen table. Oh well…. Shit all round. NY. Hope. – This is not a “good Shabbat” evening. But I just don’t have what it takes to care. – 20.45 Plugs in both ears (necessarily) and… lights out.

Sat.9.Apr: 5.06 I woke at 1.08, looked at the clock and went back to sleep. Woke again at 4.-something, and went back to sleep. Now? I’m awake. – 5.21 Coffee and smoke. Snow on the ground. Brisk air. But pain in the chest. Well-rested. Maybe that’s the trouble? My body doesn’t know what to do being “well-rested”. – But, here we are, another day. And today, Shabbat or not, laundry, hopefully a hair-cut and such. Plan? To “do” with this day, not at la cage. We shall see. – 20.53 IN BED AT LAST! It was a “Friday” sort of Saturday today. This morning I went over to Ms. Hallie and Mme. Blanche-Noire with my bed-linens, got them done AND A HAIR-CUT/BEARD TRIM! YAY! Swept the floors at Jacquie’s and made me 3-egg sandwiches on 2 rolls. Very nice. Not delish, but very nice. Took it easy for a while and came back to la cage with the linens and swept my floor a bit. – *** A PHONE MESSAGE FROM THE GUY WITH THE B&B IN PORT HENRY! FROM THE 917 AREA CODE! HE SOUNDS RATHER NICE INDEED AND I’LL BE CERTAIN TO PHONE HIM DURING THIS WEEK COMING! I’M NOT PASSING THIS OPPORTUNITY BY! I’m rather excited about going back to NY now. – Well, this evening, I dined with B&L! Bob cooked (pork chops), mac’n’cheese and beans. I didn’t have any beans because there was no serving utensil but the meat and mac really were filling and ever so good! (Saved me my last tin of chunky soup too.) – After dinner, I took the ladies (m’Dixie and Ellie) out for a quickie and then went back to Jacquie’s to SHOWER and SHAVE and to wash my clothes! YAY! Laundry done! – Finished my ice cream there and played with Ms. Hallie until just past 20.00. I felt bad leaving her this evening but will make certain to do a couple of over-nights there whilst Jacquie’s in Italy. Little sweet-heart. At one point, she stepped on my foot as I watched TV and I guess I was a bit curt with her. She went to the opposite side of the living-room and laid down until I spoke with her. I don’t know… these dogs here are so sensitive. LOVE THEM DEARLY! And will miss them, no doubt. – Left Jacquie’s, came to la cage to the BOOMBOOM. Bob’s in bed. Lyle’s in front of the fucking TV. I’m just in from last ‘moke with the goilz, nice a clean me and bed. I would LUV a drink but am having my licorice tea and a little soc.med. and then to ear-plugs (fuck that shit!) and hopefully to sleep through the night and early waking tomorrow. – Their Eric is coming by tomorrow. I’ll have to dodge a dinner I suppose. Oh well. – Another day done. – BUT… A MESSAGE FROM NEW YORK! PLEASE! IT’S GOING TO BE TOUGH GOING BUT WHAT-EVER IT TAKES…..

Sun.10.Apr: 6.52 A NIGHT OF SLEEP WITH-OUT EAR-PLUGS! And before going to sleep, I did a little research on-line, and found that the ear-plugs I used in the Shelter are, according to different resources, “the best”. “Hearos”, top of the line, best. Ca se peut tu? WELL! No, they don’t block ALL noise, but they block the most. Nice. I suppose. But how lovely to wake in the morning, with AIR in the ears. – And the hair-cut of yesterday? It was a quick one, zip-zip, but looks rather nice and clean. A delight to wake, as a “Human”. – Well, the thermo on the barn reads 0°F, but the sun is POURING in through the window this morning. Very nice, indeed. And thoughts are of “NY”. And I thought, yesterday: I MIGHT be able to get to Port Henry in the coming days, if there’s enough gas in the truck or if I get a bit of cash (even if I have to use the tax cheque). So? So! There’s a chance! A chance. I’ll put a little hope on it and see. – The house is quiet this morning. They watched “Narnia” last night. I was asked to join but, as I say: I read the book… I want to hold THAT and not somebody else’s version. – My bowels are a bit on the “off” side this morning. Pork for dinner last night. Oh well. So be it then. – Now? Weather check and such and off to Ms. Hallie. Perhaps a damp mop to the kitchen floor and then? MAYBE some “work”. The garden gate? Signage? What-ever. Sunday morning. Let’s see what it does. – 20.24 I came in from dinner at Jacquie’s (burger, salad, crisps and a beer which I didn’t really want because, well, I’m not really hungry these days because of all sorts of reasons but I ate with her) and into a bit of a row. Lyle “can’t take much more of him, between his attitude and my health” and then “I need to talk to you” to which I answered “I’m not getting in the middle.” and was ignored. THEN nice chat with Bob followed by Bob saying “He’s behaving just like a client in a Nursing home, ‘I can’t do anything and you’re here to serve me’.” Meanwhile, my heart breaks thinking of the dogs (whom Bob fed and gave water and brought out) *20.28 Bob asked Lyle “Are you planning on sleeping down there tonight.” to which Lyle replied something and Bob asked “Alright then, could you turn it down a little bit please?” The TV! DOWN? WOW! and WELL SHIT! THANK YOU!* The dogs… they follow me round as if I’m the only “voice of peace and reason and sanity” for them. JEEZIS KRISTE! It hurts to think of what HELL they’ll put up with when I’m gone…. And if this situation at the B&B goes well.. I AM GONE! (I looked it up and down on-line… beautiful view of the lake, nice grounds, nice house, nice buildings, Moriah. Fine indeed.) Anyway, I over-heard Bob telling Lyle that he (Lyle) just refuses to do things that he CAN and that he NEEDS to do some things that he still can do. Well… true, that. But Lyle’s spoiled miserably rotten to the very marrow, a prissy little shit-nosed brat. As I thought of it today: I’ve worked by arse off ALL of my life, and paid my taxes on all of my jobs and today, I’m here, trying to find “bartered living” whilst THAT one worked little jobs for PART of his life and paid little taxes on those. Made MOST of his money in music for the better part of 17 years and DIDN’T pay taxes and yet… HE gets to get a little income in addition to his spouse and ME? I have to panic about a pack of cigarettes and how to get the car back on the road… and NO substantial income. NOTHING! AND no health insurance… un-like Princess who gets toddled off to hospital and doctor and has a cup-board full of meds. OK then. Nope. I can’t think about such things. I just can’t. – And so, add to this: *I* am taking Jacquie to BTV in the morning AND she’s insisting that Hallie come too! There’s a tank of gas in the truck for, as Jacquie put it today, to get her to BTV and us back to Fukville and to pick her up and bring her back and maybe a ride in between. Well… there goes my tax money on gas because, if I can get an interview in Moriah… I’M GOING! (I’m going to try to jump the car from the truck, I think, and hope for the best there… “Hope”. Imagine me! FUCKED!) – Anyway, as it is for now, I’m in bed, having some cookies and tea and will use the ear-plugs anyway. I need to get some sleep for this road trip tomorrow… and a stop at a Walmart to cash my tax cheque! From 67 to 64$. Fucked again, how typical. But better than the 20 I have to my name now (and the 33US in the banque?). – Time to close this fucking day. – Oh… their Eric came this evening and was gone by about 19.00… and I dodged another dinner at la cage. THAT was nice. Never let it be said that I’m being fed. “I’ve been very good to you.” and “You owe us a lot of money.” – Another 13 bags of pellets on the porch… by the way.

Mon.11.Apr:5.04 Coffee. Pee. Smoke. The goilz went out. I woke, on my own, at about 4.00-4.30, after a total sleep-through all night, with ear-plugs in quite well and firm. Indeed. But odd little DREAMLETTES:
Snips of dreams, un-related, as I can recall. Something about being in NYC again, a bit about working for some kind of health-care/medical something, a Nurse or such, and telling somebody that I was leaving the job and she laughed. I was annoyed and said “You’re the second person I’ve told and the second person who just laughs. You really don’t believe that I’m leaving. But I am.” and the next bit, I’m waking, early in the morning, in bed, in an apartment, with a young kid who’d slept with me the night before. He’d given me a blow-job and was smiling (Matt-ish sort of fellow), and I said something about “Well, I guess you milked me good.” and he smiled and said, proudly, “Yes, I did.” And I was feeling rather guilty about having been so quiet and non-participatory about it, pondering the lay-out of the flat and that I truly didn’t have to be concerned because I was leaving there too.
Dreams about leaving. About being back in NY. I wonder…. – And now, this morning, I’m not tired, I slept through the night, and apparently I’ve gotten my needed sleep. So? So… – There’s a light cover of snow on the cars and the yard this morning. The forecast was for just that over-night. The road is clear. Wet, but clear. And it’s not all that cold out there this morning. Bob is still in the shower. The house is calm, for now. I think Bob wakes Lyle in the morning so that he gets his meds in. I can only hope that if that’s the case, Bob leaves and Lyle returns to sleep. I worry right now that Lyle will wake and want to “talk”. I don’t want to get involved. I’ve NO doubt that if I don’t say what he wants to hear, that I’ll hear “You have to go.” Not that it would make much difference to Bob. As Jacquie points out: Bob actually needs somebody in the house now, more than ever. And yesterday she mentioned that she’s surprised that the don’t have their Eric move in. (Eric doesn’t mind visiting, but he said, or mentioned, when we went to dinner for Bob’s birthday, that Fuklin is a bit too far out and away from things.) Me? I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they haven’t already offered, or that it hasn’t been discussed. Oh well… I need to focus on me and Moriah. – 5.16 and I hear Bob… the goilz get to get out again… bless them. Please, that it all goes peacefully and as “routine” and I’m spared. – On with the day? I’ve got to be at Jacquie’s by about 9.30. I hope I don’t poop-out between now and… – 23.34 IN BED AT LAST! — Well… I brought Jacquie to BTV this morning. We were out at 10.00, she drove down to the church where the bus was to leave at about noon. We got there at about 11.00 and I took Hallie for a stroll. Burlington. I knew where I was and honestly, didn’t miss it. I have NO connections, no sentiments for that place… nor for much of any of this state, honestly. The bus arrived at about 11.20 or so… a HUGE, IMMACULATE, WHITE MERCEDES! VERY NICE INDEED! I’d expected the Catholics to rent a school bus, but this was wonderful! I didn’t feel so bad leaving Jacquie to board. And as she did, I got a truly warm and wonderful hug from her, first time! Imagine. Well, she was no sooner on the bus (she needed to use the toilet), Hallie and I were back on the road and back to the North. I chatted with Hallie all the way, to ease her anxieties, which were showing. When we got back to the house, I toasted 2 of the hamburger buns and had them with butter. – Got back to la cage at about 12.30 and it was empty! Quickly sent a message to Bob asking if Lyle was with him. It took a while but the answer: Lyle had an MD appointment. OK! House alone… I took a nap. – At about 16.30 I left to get Hallie here walks and dinner and I had quite a nice portion of lamb and salad with ice cream after. After we’d eaten and we were out walking, B&L returned. All’s as well as can be expected and the subdural is gone. Nice news. – At about 20.00 I came back into la cage and chatted with Bob a bit about Lyle’s medical. He went up to bed, I talked with Lyle until almost 23.00 and tonight he, Lyle, as in one of his moods… teary. Told me that I’ve had such a positive impact on this house and town. “I don’t know what I’d’ve done with-out you here.” “We’ve had out bumps, but you mean the world to me.” How charming. (They still don’t know and I’m not saying: I AM STILL PLANNING ON GETTING OUT AND BACK TO NEW YORK! “Impact, positive, negative or what-ever.) – The chat ended with him trying to decide whether or not to go up to bed. I suggested he stay in the recliner for comfort, sleep and health and came up stairs. – Jacquie should be out and over the Atlantive by now. I’m quite exhausted but some-how not tired But I must keep my early schedule now. Jacquie left me 100 with a note that I’ll have to read. – The rain should be done tomorrow and sunny, dry wether to come. There’s work to be done round here before I leave AND I’VE GOT TO GET THE SUBARU RUNNING! There’s so much to “do”, so much I want to do, so much I need to do… and at the end of it all? I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS STATE AND BACK TO NEW YORK!

Tue.12.Apr: 7.43 JUST up from my smoke. The day is shot. Almost 8.00 already. And I could go right back to sleep! And it’s still raining. Such a delight. And last night I DREAMT: A short dream. I was at Jacquie’s and went into the barn to get the “ride-on” tiller. Brought it out and realised that it was a lawn mower. – I’m dreaming of getting the garden tilled. – Well this morning, is another morning of indecision of sorts: I should stay here, help Jacquie and Lyle/Bob. I don’t want to stay here. I want to get back to NY! I should go to cash my cheque and to the market for provisions and get the battery for the Subaru. I don’t really want to. But I truly MUST… at least get the car running again. Oh, and I just HOPE that it’s only the battery! – Another morning… more anxieties. – 12.28 Back at la cage. Hallie didn’t want to eat breakfast. (Neither Dixie, when I got back, Lyle asked if I could get her to eat. She did, after ‘moke’n’peepee.) I got the kitchen “island” cleaned and the window over the sink at Jacquie’s. – I’m SO tired this morning, and anxious to get to yard-work. SO SO MUCH that I should be attending and yet, I’ve no energy. Bad day. – The rains’ stopped. The sky is clearing but the wind is still quite cold. And me… no energy. – 15.48 Bob’s not back. I’m just in from a bit of raking round the barn, along the back flower-bed and putting mulch behind the wood-shed. I’m afraid of doing too much more though. Another 3 day and then… I hope. But I’m still thinking in terms of… New York. – 20.47 Let us first talk “Fuckery & Faggotry”: Just getting into bed and just back fro Jacquie’s where I’d been from since about 16.30… had left-over lamb and the salad and finished off all the ice cream (which I will now have to replace but I don’t mind). AND… dozed off in the recliner there watching the news. Ah… I walk in the door at la cage to find Lyle at table, having a bowl of “Corn Pops” or facsimile, and I’m not even IN the door and he says “Bob was wondering if you’d fill the stove. He wasn’t feeling well and went right to be at 7:30.” Oh yes? Well, when I was leaving at 16.30, he was cutting and arranging the dozen or so roses he’d bought Lyle and appeared quite “fine”. And when I left, they were sitting to pizza and wings. Hmmm…. not feeling well? OK. SO… I bring the goilz out and they HAD to pee! Brought in a bag of pellets (I bring over 400lb in from the shed to the porch and am THEN expected to fill the stove too? Right then. OK. I did… and when I opened the stove to put the pellets in? It was just about FULL! So what kind of fuckery and faggotry is THIS? (So now I’m listening to “A New York State of Mind” as I type this. And so I am.) – As the licorice tea steeps… the day. – After several hours (from about 9.30-12.30) with Hallie, I came back to la cage to rake. Stayed until 16.30 when Bob came in and then went over to get Ms. Hallie her dinner and me too. Watched the news. This evening, for 20.00 ‘moke an stroll, Kathleen, from the library, was leaving. She parks in front of Jacquie’s for some reason. So we chatted about the Winter and such and I mentioned leaving to go back to NY. “You’re going to be missed.” she said. “They’ll throw a PARTY in the town hall when I go.” said I. She tried to brush it all off. “Are you staying here now?” (Jacquie’s) she asked. And I told her what my Winter has been, taking care of the 2 houses and Lyle’s illness and Jacquie’s falling and such. I doubt that it registred. She’s another “Franklin”… in spite of not being from here. But at least I got it said. – And so, there’s the day. – Now, I have to fill-in my notes from yesterday and get to sleep. I’ve taken Aleve tonight. I tried to start the Subaru this evening. The battery is all but dead. Tomorrow? OFF TO GET THE NEW BATTERY! (And try for some green paper for an inspection sticker. I need to get to NY!) – Oh… I checked Jacquie’s flight this morning. She’s arrived, safely! Thankfully. – 21.15 JUST FINISHING THE NOTES OF YESTERDAY AND NOW…. NOW… NOW… BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT! I thought, because of the quiet when I got in, that I could sleep comfortably tonight. FUCK ME! Right? More, continuing incentive to get to the store tomorrow for the battery for the car, get my shit together and get the fuck OUT and AWAY! (Last night: “You mean the world to me. I don’t know what I’d’ve done with-out you here. I appreciate everything you do for me.” Well… get over it! Good-bye. Good luck.) I’m in a New York State of mind!

Wed.13.Apr: 6.49 TWO ear-plugs and Aleve and a night of sleep right through. Turned off 3 alarms and went back to sleep. Much sleep. And my back feels as if it wants to “go”. The garbage is at the back door. The empty bottles are bagged and ready to go with me to Jacquie’s. And today, the sun is shining on a 0° morning. I can get the garbage out and the empties gone. I need to get the battery for the Subaru, and some groceries today. AND I want to get Jacquie’s front lawn raked clean. I want a productive day. I also need to get the sale of the log splitter done this week and get in touch with Victor Port Henry. Things to be done and the stress is, well, internal, I suppose. We shall see what this day brings. We shall. Oh… and Jacquie’s barn needs cleaning, the garden gate and sign need repairs. I’ll be busy. It doesn’t ALL have to be done today. I don’t know why my mind and body are stressed. There’s time for all of this. There truly is. I have to focus on that. – 18.31 In bed at last! – From 10.00-16.30 I raked Jacquie’s front yard and the Highgate side. Had 2 small burgers and salad and finished the little bit of espresso ice cream. Then when out and pulled the artichokes along Highgate. GOT THE BATTERY OUT OF THE CAR AND INTO THE TRUCK. TOMORROW… CHEQUE, BATTERY, BOTTLES, PROVISIONS! Along with the front of 5225. ’tis time. – Somebody will come by on Saturday to see the splitter and canoe! I HOPE they both sell! – A message from Victor yesterday on my e-mail about phoning him in NYC. I sent a message back saying I’ll phone him tomorrow. Yes, I’m going through with this. I’ve had more than enough. Especially considering last night’s stove number and then, this morning, at about 9.00 Lyle went in for a shower and asked that I stand-by. I did. He showered, got out, went back to bed and never said anything! Fuck MY time over. Nah. And I come in about 20 minutes ago and Bob’s in bed, Lyle’s on the recliner asleep, TV running BOOMBOOM. Fuck me, eh? I’d like a shower but don’t dare. – I thought of staying at Jacquie’s tonight. Right now? I’ll have my tea, get into bed, see how long I sleep. If I wake too early, I’ll head back to Jacquie’s and nap. Then get on with the day when… – Meanwhile, the day was indeed “accomplished”. Will anybody notice? Nah. But fukkem… fukkemall. I’ll leave this place in good order. And I WILL leave.

Thu.14.Apr: **** QUITE THE DAY ****
“A dead cow is a very large thing!” – Vincent DuPont
6.00 Up with the 5.30 alarm, tired, rather exhausted, stomach churning, after a terribly difficult evening of trying to fall asleep (with the radio on). I think I may have finally gotten to sleep at about 21.00. Didn’t put the ear-plugs in because I truly did need a shower after all the yard-work, and so I laid in bed waiting for exhaustion to take over as I planned on going back to Jacquie’s. And now? This chilly morning, as the sun begins to rise on -3°… BOOMBOOMBOOM is in full-swing. It makes it easier to ring Victor and hope that I can be on my way… to NY… soon. It’s going to be an “interesting” sort of day, with much to do… Finish the yard-work at Jacquie’s, begin the flower beds at la cage, and roll over to Walmart for the new car battery (and HOPE that that’s the only thing needed to get it started and running). – “This too, shall pass.” And soon too, shall I. – 20.16
WHAT WHAT WHAT A DAY!
By 8.30 I was out the door, over to Jacquie’s and even with a bit of frost still on the leaves and grass, I’d fed Hallie and was out with the rake in front of the garage! Moved along across the back-yard and to the rest of the “back” on the Highgate St. side! Took the 2 un-used pallets and some garden stakes and put up a bit of a “wall” or barrier at the “compost pile” which is FULLY covered with leaves now! Impressive shit! I was still at it at 11.00 when I stopped for a tea with Ms. Hallie and then… back out to clear out the artichokes along the fence! As I worked on that, Dickie Cooper came out to chat. “I thought you were going to NY. Change your mind?” I simply answered “OH HELL NO! I’m going back to NY as soon as things are settled and arranged.” And I didn’t say much more to him about much of anything. I was too busy trying to get the yard done! Fuck these people. As I worked, a young woman came by “You’re working hard.” said she. “Somebody in Franklin should.” was my reply. She smiled, un-surely, and continued to walk. GOOD FOR ME! I hope THAT comment goes round. More-so tonight than ever before, for that matter. – OK! Yard-work done… into the truck and onto the road….
Walmart! Cashed my cheque 67-,67 and over to automotive where… YES! A NEW BATTERY FOR THE CAR! AND NO 12$ “Core Fee”! Got the battery into the truck and had to go back in for “Flat Fix”, one for the car, one for the splitter. The guy for the splitter will be by on Saturday! I MUST HAVE THAT DAMNED TYRE REPAIRED! OK… out the door, into the truck…..
ENOSBURGH! Returned Jacquie’s empties. They changed their return hours to end at 15.00! I was there at 15.30 but the owner did it anyway and I, because I wanted and because I deserve and because she was so kind, got a small bottle of Absolut! V-tons ON THE WK-END!!!
To Hannaford’s where I got my “”provisions” of many tins of “Chunky” and “Chef” pasta and some fruits and noshies for the night and ice cream for me and to replace what I’d eaten of Jacquie’s. Cheap breaded fish for this evening’s “dinner”. 4 remain. And a package of franks for 2 other nights. 3 nights’ meals taken care of. BUT… for some fucking reason, the fucking registre charged me and extra 5$! Nobody knows why and nobody really wanted to help so I’ll have to go back and argue with a manager I suppose. HEY! 5$ is 5$ and I NEED that fucking money! Now, more than ever before! Fuck! Oh… but I DID manage to get a box of “Nighty Night” tea… the stuff I had in Richford that helped me sleep. (I hope it works… I hope it’s the same stuff. Especially since it’s now 20.20 and the BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM IS RUMBLING!)
I’d left the house at about 13.00… didn’t get back until about 17.30. Dinner and news with Ms. Hallie and I felt like shit! If I’d had a change of clothes, I’d’ve showered and stayed there the night (SHOULD HAVE!!!)
AND THEN…. AND THEN… I RANG VINCENT!!!!!
*We talked for maybe 45 minutes at the very least and… AND… AND… at some time in May, we’re to meet in PLATTSBURGH! HE NEEDS A LIVE-IN MANAGER AT THE B&B AND THUS FAR, IT SEEMS I’LL BE IT! STARTING AT THE END OF AUGUST!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! (Oh… if I can only hold out through this fucking Summer!!!!! I don’t know that I can. I doubt that I will. But… AUGUST! NEW YORK! ADIRONDACKS! I HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO! WHAT A DAY! WHAT A THRILL! His current manageresse is from Vergennes and she doesn’t like the idea of staying over there. So he wants somebody who will be there all-round! AND, it’s more a “Manager” than “Grounds-keeper” BUT I might be able to garden so that he can offer “organic”, local fare! WOOHOO! YEAH!
And so, at 20.35, I am SHOWERED!!!! I TOOK a shower when I got in. The 2 of them were on the recliners, in front of the TV. Lyle seemed happy to see me. Bob rolled over. I took the goilz out for ‘moke’n’peepee and got them dinner and then came up to the room and into the shower. And…. here I am. – Now, I have to send Vincent the link to the blog so that he has some idea as to my back-ground and I have to send word to the folks in Plattsburgh. THEY have a “dance studio” on the premises, and Port Henry’s in the middle of no-where. So… No-brainer. – Meanwhile, I’ve actually been sweating as I type this. It’s that warm in the room tonight! I’m looking forward to finishing my tea, one more ‘moke and to sleep. – Tomorrow… REPAIR THE TYRE AND GET THE FLOWER-BED OUT FRONT OF LA CAGE CLEANED UP! WARM DAYS ARE HERE! – Je DANSE! ONE MORE SUMMER AND … PEACE OF THE ADIRONDACKS! OMG! – 22.57 Ear-plugs in. Tea done at 21.00. Here’s hoping! (I can’t hear the BOOMBOOMBOOM is there is any.)

Fri. 15.Apr: 5.44 and I slept SO well last night! Just drifted off (with 2 ear-plugs in but…) and the next thing I know, it’s just about 5.30 and I wake! Took the ear-plugs out and…. BOOMBOOMBOMBOOM FUCK! It’s going to be a VERY difficult (and perhaps, miserable) 4 months. BUT….
BUT I PUT UP WIHT 16 MONTS OF THE SHELTER… I CAN PUT UP WITH 4 MONTHS OF THIS SHIT! YES? YES WE CAN CAN….. –
Coffee… smoke… to work! – 6.01 Coffee…. smoke… and I have reason to believe that Bob didn’t bother to put pellets into the stove this morning… AGAIN. NOT too thrilled about that. Well… next Winter… there WILL be “house-hold responsibility” to be taken. Oh well. – 8.58 and…. the day commences. Sun-shine but still crisp out there. But Princess is up and about… time to bolt. Tyre on splitter, laundry, flower-beds, and of course… Ms. Hallie and Mme.BN. – 20.47 IN BED… CLEAN BED… EVEN THE CLOTH’N’RAG… CLEAN! ME… SHOWERED (but I need to brush my teeth but…), AND A V-TON! THE HOUSE IS SILENT. “THEY’RE” IN BED. Were when I got in at 20.00. I expect BOOMBOOMBOOM in the middle of the fucking night. But there’s August! 4 more months and… – But THE DAY:
OUT the door by about 8.30 and… over to Jacquie’s to get Ms. Hallie AND ME BREAKFAST!
I FIXED THE TYRE ON THE SPLITTER! “FLAT-FIX” DID IT! I AM SOOOOO THRILLLED! I attached the can, sprayed the shit in and the damned tyre is fully inflated! I moved it about a bit. The can says “drive 2 miles”. I’m hoping it just works as is. (If it’s flat in the morning, I’ll put another can in. I have one… for the Subaru, but if I can sell that damned splitter tomorrow… HEY! I’ll take the 10$ back from the cash sale.) By 9.00, I had my clothes in the washer and I was back at la cage with the hay-cart, in the front of the house, with m’Dixie (I’d originally brought both of them out but the FIRST FUCKING THING ELLIE DID WAS SHIT IN THE LILLIES WHERE I WAS ABOUT TO CLEAN… AND THEN WENT OVER TO JACQUIE’S AND STARTED TO SHIT THERE TOO SO… INTO THE HOUSE SHE WENT).
THE FRONT FLOWER-BED is CLEANED! So too, the side-walk and the gutter, and round the front of the roses.
Next? The BACK FLOWER-BED is CLEANED! As I worked out front, Pam and Dave stopped. Pam said “Look at you, beautifying the town.” We talked about Jacquie being away and Pam said “We HAVE to get together for dinner some Sunday when Jacquie gets back.” Indeed. Oh well. We’ll see. What-ever. Pam and Dave are sweet. (Not “Franklin”.) But I’m just “In A New York State of Mind”. I didn’t really talk much. But… – NEXT! – The PLASTIC TRIM ON THE BED BEHIND THE SHED IS SECURED. The LEAVES BESIDE THE BARN ARE CLEARED! (To be honest, I had NO intention of doing the back-yard today, but I had the energy and the momentum so, in spite of thirst and hunger, I kept moving right along. The front took TWO hay-carts just for the LEAVES. But there are flowers growing now! I HOPE EVERYTHING comes back this year… including the lilies I put in AND the black-eyed Susans. I can HOPE. And I shall. In the back? There are bulbs coming up all along the fence. Nothing in front of the barn as yet. But I can HOPE for the lilies and black-eyed Susans there too. I can HOPE. – OK. THAT took me up to about 14.00 or so, and I went back to Jacquie’s to keep Ms. Hallie company, toss the bed linens into the washer AND… at 15.00, I had the last 4 “fish things”. Nasty, in the micro-wave but… I ate them. AND… almost finished my ice cream and hit some of the chocolate that I’d replaced for Jacquie AND I HAD A BEER! FUCK! Watched some TV (Fox News, of course) as I ate. – Laundry done and such by about 18.00!!! Hallie and I went out for a ‘moke, and I grabbed the rake and RAKED THE ROSES ALONG THE DRIVE, THEN UNDER THE “RASPBERRIES” BY THE GREN-HOUSE, AND THEN THE LEAVES FROM UNDER THE BUSH AT THE CORNER OF MAIN/HIGHGATE. THAT WAS COMPLETELY UN-INTENTIONAL BECAUSE I WAS EXHAUSTED! BUT… me, being “me”… and having time… it’s done! Will ANYBODY NOTICE? HELL NO! But *I* know it was all done! – OK. So. 21.10 and the v-ton is almost done and I’m in a schwitz here! It’s gone quite nicely “warm”, I suppose. Better than freezing my butt to fuck. Still… too warm, too soon. Anyway. To continue… By 19.00 I was in the shower… a BEAUTIFUL SHOWER! But I didn’t have my toiletries with! Oh well… I scrubbed… clean. My work-duds are in the dryer for the evening. No rush. And by 20.00? I was out of Jacquie’s and back at la cage where THE POOR GOILZ! HAD, HAD, HAD TO PEE! THESE FUCKERS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THESE POOR DOGS WHEN I’M GONE? Well… before I go, I’m going to make it abundantly clear that I’ll report them for “abuse”. There’s NO FUCKING BLOODY reason WHY, EITHER of them can’t feed, water and simply let the poor things out! I swear… if I could… I’d take Dixie with me when I leave here! Seriously! It fucking pisses me the fuck off! – Well then… I came to the dirty room. OTHER people’s places are clean… my little room is neglected. But… Made the bed. Put more of the tinned “provisions” away, swept the floor quickly and… – 21.14… here I am, finishing my v-ton and pondering a final ‘moke and WONDERING IF THE GOILZ HAVE BEEN GIVEN THEIR DINNER! FUCKING FAG-SHITS HERE!!! BUT WHAT A DAY! – My back “pinged” in the shower this evening and again as I was getting ready to leave Jacquie’s. Before I left, I took 2 “Ibuprophin” (and now with vodka? who the fuck cares?) I CANNOT be “out of whack” tomorrow! But… – The alarms are set for 6.00 and 6.30. Let’s see how it goes… to-fucking-night. – I feel “accomplished.” FUCK the rest of the world.

Sat.16.Apr: 7.38 I must remember… ONE v-ton ONLY. My stomach is out of whack this morning. I’d like, very much, to stay in bed in spite of the sun shining and the clear, cool morning out there. Oh well. And I slept with the window open a bit, the sleeping bag not on the bed. Comfortable. And I SLEPT… Woke at about 5.30 and stayed in bed until almost 7.00. – Anxious about the splitter today. Hopefully the tyre is still inflated. Hopefully it runs and can be transported by the fellow who wants to buy it. Hopefully… this day will simply pass, calmly and well. There’s always anxiety. No matter what. That’s the way my “life” is. And my bowels seem to want to clear. I’ve already been. Oh… just another day. Another day. – 21.10 AND…. THE SPLITTER SOLD! 1200$ FOR JACQUIE WHEN SHE RETURNS! AND THE GUY WAS VERY NICE. JAPANESE WIFE. 2 YOUNG KIDS. THEY CAME UP FROM RANDOLPH. I’d been sitting on the porch for most of the after-noon and Chris, the fellow, arrived at about 15.00. He started the splitter up and tested it. The “brace” or stand is bent so when he offered 1200 I accepted. HEY! According to him, to get it new would have been 1500 so… Jacquie made some cash on the deal. (Will I see any of it? I doubt it. So I’m not even thinking on it. But truly? I don’t much care. Just get me out of here by August!) – The twats up-stairs at Jacquie’s rolled-up the remaining 5 garden runners this morning, I don’t know why, but I suspect they checked my list on the kitchen table AND that they expect to “get something” out of it. Of course, they did a horse-shit job of it, leaving the rolls where-ever AND CUTTING some of them! AND… LEAVING THE HAY-CART IN THE GARDEN WITH SME OF THE CUT RUNNERS IN IT! ME? I’M NOT TOUCHING IT! If there’s any call for such a thing (like when I finish cleaning off the porch which is covered with leaves on the North side … and in many places I noticed it’s rather rotting rather dangerously) I’ll use the little blue garden trolley from the barn at la cage. I’ll not argue the issue. Just dodge everything they fuck up. – OH! This morning, as I was washing the sleeping bag (which is now smelling so lovely of PineSol, and is rolled up and ready to be packed-away), Ms. Kerry came along to “take Hallie for a walk”. I spoke briefly and vaguely of August, she made herself a tea, used my half’n’half… didn’t bother to ask, of course, and bolted with Hallie. When she came back… she couldn’t wait to get away. Me neither, for that matter. – And so, all told, a nice day. I’m just thrilled that the splitter is sold, Jacquie comes back to money. Now… if only I could do the same with the canoe! – Tomorrow? Try to get the Subaru running, clean the porch, plant the celery that’s been in the room all Winter, out in what WAS the “herb garden”. MAYBE I’ll get to the barn, although, I doubt Jacquie will be getting more chickens, since the last order should have gone in yesterday. Oh well… We shall see. We don’t much give a fuck, to be honest. And I’m sure there’ll be MORE than “enough” work to be done round la cage for the next 4 months… so there won’t be all that much to be done else-where. – On Monday, I’ll repair the garden gate (if I can’t figure how to get the one board from the pile at la cage over to Jacquie’s… if I do, I’ll get the gate done tomorrow). – “NightyNight” tea steeping tonight. I had the “water runs” this morning and felt rather “ick” and “drained” most of the day. – OH OH OH! “Dinner”? The VERY LAST OF THE BORSCHT! IT TRULY WAS AS DELICIOUS TONIGHT AS IT WAS AT HARVEST. ALL IS GONE NOW… “ALL”. This season? I seriously doubt it will be anything at all. Let the rest of them “worry” about themselves. I’m sick to fucking tired of being “abused” as was the case last Summer. It won’t happen again.

Sun.17.Apr: 6.51 I don’t know what’s in that tea, but… another night of sleep. Ear-plugs? Yes. But sleep right through the night. And another sunny, but chilly morning, this. AND… as always, something to be done. It bothers me that the back yard at Jacquie’s is “a mess”. But I’ll not touch that. As I told her. She needs to take some responsibility for her property. And me? Oh well. And it looks like the garden won’t be happening either. So I’ll just have to muddle through some-how. Anyway, there are pellets to be brought up today, and work to be done round la cage. I’ve 4 days to do get Jacquie’s together… 4 months to complete everything else. I hope my body will co-operate. (I still have that strange pain in the left side of my face/head. I wonder what that’s all about. But the rest of me is rolling along.) If I can get the car back on the road… a little “job” some place. Just a little one. We shall see. – 21.42 ***** THE SUBARU IS RUNNING AGAIN! ***** THE BATTERY WORKS! BUT… THE FLAT TYRE? THE CAP FOR THE TYRE IS MISSING. ***** I SUSPECT MICHAEL LET THE AIR OUT IN SPITE. I SUSPECT. ***** BUT THE CAN OF “FLAT FIX” HELPED QUITE A BIT AND BOB, WHEN I TOLD HIM THIS EVENING, MENTIONED THE COMPRESSOR IN THE BARN. SO I CAN FILL THE TYRE AGAIN! ***** There’s just under a half tank of gas. I’ll have to get more in there soon. BUT IT’S RUNNING! I put the “FlatFix” in and drove round Jacquie’s house about 5 times to get the stuff through. Hopefully, it’ll work for long enough. But… IT’S RUNNING AGAIN! ***** – That noted… the day? A DAY! It began at about 8.30 with Hallie and breakfast and bringing the Christmas tree pine cuttings and water to the blueberry bushed, then, a very small portion of cereal for breakfast. On to la cage to seriously clean the area where the shed used to be… AFTER ANOTHER 400LBS OF PELLETS TO THE PORCH! AND MY BACK IS GOING OUT AGAIN TONIGHT. – Then, back to Jacquie’s to straighten the pole for the back gate and pound the ground around it… clean the leaves off the porch, pound in some more fence posts for the “hen yard” and straighten the fence there. Why? I don’t really know since I don’t think she’ll be getting any more chickens now. But it’s done. THEN… back to la cage to repair the little bracket for Bob’s “balloon whirly-gig” AND THEN, cut the lumber for Jacquie’s garden gate AND with that saw, I managed to cut the little stump in the back flower-bed at la cage AND sawed down 3, 15ft (approx.) limbs off the pine behind the wood-shed… manually, climbing up a ladder. THEN, back to Jacquie’s to sweep Jacquie’s porch clean AND the front walk and pavement in front. WHAT a day! AND, I have a bit of SUN-BURN! SO THERE! – But I did manage a bit of time, to have a smoke and sit quietly on the front porch and sing a few country tunes. Fuck this town now! Just fuck it all! – The morning? At 7.50 the BOOMBOOM began. (Now, at 21.53, it’s BOOMBOOM time again, of course. FUCK!) One of the MAIN reasons I got the fuck out of here when I did. SHIT! But I got A LOT accomplished today. – Oh… I can’t get into the “Rusty Springs” e-mail account! FUCK that shit! “Verify” my identify? How about I simply fist-fuck you all? Now I can’t communicate with anybody about the NY advert. But I did delete that, hoping that the B&B comes through. And I deleted the advert for the splitter as well. – 4 franks for dinner. I’ll have to get to the market to replace some stuff for Jacquie before Wednesday. (I’m dreading Thursday night.) But, I ate… hot, prepared food. (The larder is nicely stocked though… cold soups and tinned pasta, but… ) – A note here: at one point I came into the house (la cage) to find Lyle on the recliner, alone. Seems Bob needed to ‘get out of the house” (he, Bob, told me that). According to Lyle, Bob’s being nasty, won’t understand his pains and such. I told him that we, Bob and I, were trained to know that there are some things that people can do and if they don’t do it, they only make themselves worse. I know he, Lyle, didn’t like hearing that, but right now I don’t give a shit. And then he had the audacity to tell me that his back “is fucked”. Oh yes? I told him that mine’s been “out” for about a week… but instead of laying about waiting for it to get worse, I get up and work through it. I KNOW he didn’t like hearing THAT either. I just keep thinking: Winter 2016 there’s to be nobody hauling their pellets and “doing”. You don’t appreciate any of this now… you will… later. And to think that Bob would just take off like that? Taking it for granted that I’m here. OK? OK NOT! – Meanwhile, I’ve taken photos of my work round the place now. I’ll be doing MUCH MORE of that and keeping then all on a file. I might even just put some on a blog (Tmblr or Wp). I want to send some of the barn and garden work to Vincent as well. – 22.05 Finished a light v-ton. My back hurts. I might have to take Aleve too, this evening. – Very thirsty too. Oh… the franks probably. – And so, I’m SHOWERED… at la cage! And on the bed in the heat. It’s HOT in here tonight! Summer is going to be miserable. But, the yard-work is almost caught-up. I dread to think that those twats at Jacquie’s will have it all fucked by the time she gets back. But I’m taking photos. – I’ve pretty much resolved that I’m NOT helping with the garden this season. Not until she takes hold of her responsibility of her property and puts all the abuse to a halt. AND I WILL be mentioning the flat tyre and my suspicions. I’m rather pissed about that, to say the least. – Well… time for a “browse” and to sleep by not later than 23.00. There’s another day of working tomorrow. Stuff… things… the garden gate for one. But at least and at last, the main work is DONE! ON with the season. – 22.10 BOOMBOOMBOOM.

Mon.18.Apr: 8.49! I didn’t get to sleep until almost mid-night last night. And with the light v-ton and AlevePm.. well. I barely and vaguely recall the alarms this morning. Oh well… it’s not like I NEED to BE some-where to DO something. And I used to go to Hallie at 10.00. So… Just up from a smoke and pondering the day’s events. Garden gate today. The sign. And I’m certain there will be more to be done as the day progresses. And it’s HOT in the room already this morning. Hot… imagine that. It’s coming: the hot days. – And of course, the TV is on.. Oh well… Just another day. – Copied all of this and now I try to get the font back to black and this lap-top-shit is fucking about with me. Wonderful way to begin a day… fucking shit. This better not be indicative of the rest of the day. (I wonder if the Subaru is OK… tyre, battery, etc. I don’t trust those twats at Jacquie’s. Oh we shall see.) – 20.01 IN BED. SHOWERED (at Jacquie’s). AND… BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!!!!! – A lovely way to end an other-wise MISERABLE day. Although… I DID GET THE GARDEN GATE AND SIGN REPAIRED AND BACK UP! IT TOOK ALL FUCKING DAY! I was late getting to Hallie (10.00), got her breakfast and had brought the electric drill with, thinking it would make the gate repairs easier. HAH! I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. The old screws were in there tightly so the drill wouldn’t simply take them out. They had to be removed by hand. AND… IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I NEVER REALLY REMOVED MANY, I LOST 2 ON THE SLATS AND 3 ON THE HINGES! I HAVE ABSOLFUCKINGLY NO IDEA WHERE THE FUCK THEY WENT! BUT… THEY’RE GONE! I’d a bag of screws in the tool box that I used, but they’re strange, not for wood. It took quite some doing to get them into the wood. But they’re in and they work and the gate is now back together. (Kailah Twat noticed. I’ve NO DOUBT, AT ALL, that the gate will be back down before Jacquie gets to see it on Friday morning. ) But I’ve taken photos again. AND… as I was having a break for tea, Kerry came by “to take Hallie for a walk”. She got a bit of it again this morning: I told her about the air in the tyre, and that it ‘s been suggested that I find else-where to keep the car since Jacquie won’t take any responsibility for her tenants. And I mentioned the runners and the hay cart. Also mentioned how disrespectful they are and that I’ve no tolerance for such shit. I actually referred to them as the “twats”. Oh well. I don’t give a shit or a fuck. – All said though, it wasn’t the “work” that got to me all day. My BACK is “tight” again. (I took 2 Ibuprophen before showering at Jacquie’s. Hopefully they, and a licorice tea will help with “sleep”… if I can manage any.) – 20.10 the toilet flushed. I guess Bob’s going to sleep. When I came in at 19.00, they were both awake, on the recliner as usual. When I came in from my shower (how fucked is that? to “come in from a shower”!) Lyle was asleep, Bob beside him. I brought the goilz out for a ‘moke. (And I’ve gone through about half a pack just today!) – Well. The day is done, I’m in bed, tea steeping at bed-side and I’ve a few photos to get off the phone. I still need to make the “barn composite” to send to Vincent too. I’d like him to see “my handiwork” round this place. I JUST HOPE THIS ALL GOES WELL FOR AUGUST! I NEED, SO MUCH, TO GET OUT OF HERE! – That said… tomorrow will be a quick run into Walmart and Hannaford’s. A quick snip of the roses by the mailbox at la cage is about all the “work” on the agenda. My “list is about DONE… only items are plantings for the veg. garden (which I probably won’t do) and to check the seedlings up-stairs (which I probably won’t do either). – I’m not taking on a whole lot of shit for this Summer. As it is, it looks as if the lawn won’t be getting mowed (because I doubt they’ll get the mower and I’m NOT doing it by reel this year). – PLEASE……… NEW YORK! SOON! – 22.16 BOOMBOOMBOOM AND MY BACK WENT KINKED!!!!! IT’S STRESS!!!! PUTTING IN THE EAR-PLUGS AND HOPING FOR NO PAIN IN THE MORNING. STRESS!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT! IT’S WORSE THAN THE SHELTER NOW!!!

Tue.19.Apr: 6.59
That “recurring” DREAM: I remember only a bit of it, but is was the one where I’m in the Montréal métro, and wandering through those tunnels that suddenly come to and end in either a room, a door or a wall. At one point, I went through an empty tunnel and came out into a large “room”, a HUGE room, where there were people, something like a “club”, or bar or something. Many people. Somebody came to me to ask how to get out of the maze and I said “You get used to it after a while.” meaning, the getting lost in the tunnels.
Stress. Yes. That’s it. And this morning, I heard the alarms, and just before the 5.30 alarm I heard them yelling up and down the stairs to each-other, heard the car start and Bob leave. Then, the alarm. I turned it off. A few moments before the 5.45 alarm… BOOM! AND THEN BOOM! THE TV WENT ON AGAIN! BOOM! – And now, thankfully, my back isn’t so bad. I’ve had my coffee and ‘moke. And I’m winded. And the “stress” of thinking: Shelter. It’s worse than it was in the shelter. I go to sleep anxious, listening to the BOOMBOOM and wondering if I’ll actually get to sleep. Last night I counted myself to sleep… to over 300 and then… this morning. – Well, the “heavy” work at Jacquie’s is done. Next, to cut down the limbs from the pine tree to fit onto the wood-pile and into the fire pit (which probably won’t be used at all anyway). Perhaps a run into St-Albans with Hallie during the day. I want another FlatFix for the Subaru and “provisions”. We shall see what comes of this day… when it’s done. – In about an hour or so, I’ll head over to Jacquie’s again. Start to wash the kitchen floor. It’s rather dirty, from me going in and out. – The rain stopped. It’s supposed to get cold again.. and clear. Winter holds on for a while longer. But the flowers in the gardens are coming. There’s crocus in the front flower-bed. Charming. Right. – 16.21 And well, the kitchen floor at Jacquie’s got washed this morning. My clothes from yesterday got washed. THEN, a ride with Ms. Hallie into Walmart for engine coolant (which I see is full anyway so that’s not the “smoke” coming from under the hood, hmmm….) and another FlatFix just in case and a cap for the tyre. A trip to find green paper for the inspection (still not found) at RiteAid in St. Allbeans. Then to Hannaford’s for a chicken TV dinner which I had at about 14.30 when we returned because I was so hungry, more ice cream for me, yoghurt (which I don’t know that I’ll be able to eat before Thursday), butter for Jacquie, package of franks and rolls and 3 little pizzas just in case. And back to the house for eating and news. And now, I’m at la cage, where the BOOMBOOM is going along, both of them on the recliner. The goilz went out and I’m having a tea because I am exhausted! OH… speaking of “tea”, the “NightyNight” tea is considered non-food and THAT’S what cost me 5,49 at Hannaford’s in Enosburgh and almost cost me 5,19$ at Hannaford’s in St-Allbeans. Fuck me there now too. Anything to help me sleep will cost cash. FTW. – Meanwhile, I’m going to work on the barn photos to send to Vincent and the back to Ms. Hallie to serve dinner. (She had a little more food today, for a light “lunch”. I couldn’t resist.) – 21.07 and the BOOMBOMM BADOOMS! – Ms. Hallie and I had a bit of dinner. I had 2 pizzas with some of the Pepper-Jack cheese and some ice cream. We took a stroll. I watched most of Bill O’Reilly and left the TV on (to turn itself off in about and hour). – Came in to la cage, brought the goilz out for ‘moke’n’peepee and now, licorice tea steeping and I’m tired. BUT… NOT tired enough to ignore the inconsideration of the BOOMBOOM. Seriously, there is NO sane or logical reason to have “surroud sound” with the bass up that high in this little brick house, ever mind that little parlour down there. Not to mention, for somebody who sleeps all fucking day and annoys working people all night whilst collecting income that wasn’t earned. Period. – And on that note… – The day was covered earlier and that’s all there is to it. – I see that on Saturday night, the temperatures will be dropping again. I hope the flowers that are coming up aren’t damaged. But… if they are… – Oh, tonight, Greta (Fox News) was live from Times Square and tonight, I actually was quite sorry that I wasn’t in NYC. I’d’ve been down there… although, had I not been in Fuklin, watching Fox News with Jacquie, chances are, I wouldn’t have known about Greta and wouldn’t have been there, thinking it just another annoyance in a place that’s gone to the shit-lib lib-shits anyway. – That said… Sights on NY come the end of this season, and this season will end in due and short course. It will be an easier Summer, this. – Oh too… I sent a “composite” of photos of the work on the back barn to Vincent this evening. Hey… I want him to know my capabilities. He might save some money, having me there. Indeed. – Off to the soc.med. with my tea… to the rumble of the BOOMBOOM.

Wed.20.Apr: 7.16 Bob’s home with migraine and a MD appointment. The barn thermo reads 20°F. I’ve got the trots. And last night’s DREAM:
Something about me having to clean a house that was a total wreck. In one room I was installing “arches” of wood slats in the ceilings. John was about and homeless(?) or something. Dirty. Bedraggled. Just lingering about the place. “Reporting”, as it were, my activities, to others, just to cause me trouble. At one point, I walked into the living-room of the house I was working in, having installed the arches in another room. The room was dark, cluttered, filthy, clothes and all sorts of things on a sofa, I hadn’t noticed him sitting there because he “blended-in” with the stacks of rags and other clutter. I was pissed. He didn’t say anything, just smirked. I went out-side to look at some other work that needed to be done. A woman (Jada from the Fuklin store) was in the yard, looking up at an exterior roof where other arches were that had to be replaced. She noticed that there were some there already but that some were rotting and in need of replacing and that there was more work that needed to be done round the place. I was annoyed that SHE was keeping note of the work that needed to be done. The owner came into the house and looked at the work in the one room that I’d done and made a comment about the rest of the house not being touched. I was pissed, but he smiled. He was kidding. And I woke… annoyed at how nobody appreciated the work that WAS done and commented only on the work that wasn’t. The next thing, I was out-side some place that resembled the “Park Ave. Shelter”. There were people all over the place. It was some sort of “Jewish Community Centre” or a schul or temple. I was heading into the building with many others and was feeling rather threatened by the presence of the others until they started singling “Hatikva”. I sang along with them and as others noticed that I was singing too, they left me alone, except one young guy who followed rather closely, as if to try to talk with me. He was threatening, for some reason, until I removed my cap and he saw that I was wearing a kippa… he backed off.
So much for that. (And, at 7.30, another “rather emergency” trip to the loo. My stomach is “off” this morning.) – OK. I’ve got to get Hallie her breakfast, get the trash out at Jacquie’s and… I think I’m going to cut-down those limbs today. I don’t much feel like doing much work, but especially with Bob being here, I need to be “busy”… as busy as I possibly can be. But nothing too straining today. Tomorrow, I have to be in shape… it’s to be a VERY LATE DAY-INTO-NIGHT! – 10.34 AND… Hallie has had breakfast, the trash is out at Jacquie’s (with a chat with TwatMichael who now knows of August, let’s see where that goes), got the mails for Jacquie (none for me there), got the 3 limbs from the pine cut down and put onto the pile, and pulled some larger pine over to Jacquie’s. I’ll put up a fire tomorrow evening before leaving… a “Welcome Home” sort of shit. (I’m so wonderful. I truly am… Shit-chute that I am.) – Trump WON NEW YORK! for the Republicans. Bob and Lyle are in bed. Nice that THEY get sleep and I DO NOT! Fuck it all anyway. And I’m just having my 2nd coffee and will be back out… to some-where, for some reason, to do some thing. It is… as it is. – 19.50 IN BED with a WHAMMY-HAMMER V-TON! I worked to deserve this one! (Even Gutberg or whom-ever on Fox News said, this very evening, in comparison to weed: We enjoy alcohol because we WORK to enjoy it. And I have!) Not only did I get the pine cut, I clipped the roses by the mail-box, then raked the flower-bed by the phone company. Went to the back-barn and tidied and swept that clean and neat. Brought the garbage barrels back to the shed (but not “in”… oh gee look at that I forgot… right). Back to Jacquie’s where… I re-did the little solar lights in “Ball” jars with caulking to hold the lights in place. I’ll have to make the hangers tomorrow (or… when-ever). Almost finished the yoghurt from yesterday (plain) and had 4 franks for dinner and some ice cream. Set-up the wood stove for tomorrow night. I’ll light it before leaving to fetch Jacquie. – Watched the news a bit with Ms. Hallie and just gave her dinner and a walk round the house. Took a couple of pictures of Mme. Blacnche-Noire who is actually “talking” with me a bit now! Ah well and so. – I got back to la cage about 45 minutes ago. The goilz bounced all over the place! I took them out but there didn’t seem to be any “emergency”. So when we came in, I filled their water dish and gave them dinner. – And now, I have a v-ton and some soc.med. – My feet stink. I could have used a shower but I’ll have one tomorrow before going to BTV. A rather “full” day tomorrow: I have clothes and me to wash and the kitchen floor to quick re-do. Start the wood-stove. I think Jacquie will be at home on Friday but work on Saturday night. Then… back to “normal”. HEY! I got a LOT done whilst she was off being “Catholic”. Leave it to the Jews to get the “WORK” done. – Meanwhile… “they” are asleep in bed… even as I came back. I’ve no doubt they’ve been awake only long enough to eat and pee. Fukkem anyway. – Well… time to wind-down. Tomorrow is going to be one HELL of a night!

Thu.21.Apr: 7.15 And the sun is POURING in through the windows on this chilled morning. Today is “crunch” day, to get me together, Jacquie’s house together, and a LATE day. Off to Burlington tonight. Jacquie returns. I’m thinking of getting my laundry done today because I won’t be doing it tomorrow. Well, my days of not being around la cage are done… and we return to our regularly-scheduled routine. Alas. – The one v-ton helped last night… and last night NOT EAR-PLUGS! They were ever so quiet all night. It was a delight. And I turned the alarms off this morning, and went back to sleep, intentionally…

Fri.22.Apr: ***** Pesach 3.08 JUST GETTING INTO BED AS MY “NIGHTY-NIGHT” TEA STEEPS. – I left Jacquie’s after my nice shower and finished laundry (clothes, towel and face cloth) dried… at 21.00 (yesterday). I left Hallie at the house and drove to BTV, NOT FEELING AT ALL WELL. ***** Something is terribly “WRONG”. My head is “light”, the left side of my head, face, neck, shoulder, chest is/are painful. Its the “light-headedness” that concerns me. And all day I was actually afraid to sleep… for fear that I “wouldn’t wake up”. Yes, it’s “THAT” bad at this point. So I did all I could to stay awake, including raking the grass clods in Jacquie’s back yard. Work I never intended to do but, it kept me moving and awake. Well then, I got to the church parking lot at 22.00 and… felt horribly dizzy and light-headed , and again, was afraid to fall asleep for fear of not waking. So I listened to the iPod until the speaker went dead. I should have charged it during the day but didn’t. Then listened to the radio a bit. Had 2 smokes, and walked about a bit. Ah.. the bus arrived at 23.30. I drove back up to Fuklin, chatting with Jacquie all the way. When she got to the house, Hallie was quite happy to see her and it was heart-warming to see them together again. So Jacquie and I had a tea and she showed me photos of Italy. – I have to note, only because it’s almost odd: I’ve been thinking that if I were to get anything out of the sale of the splitter, it would be 100$, which is less than 10% “commission” for taking the photos, listing on Crgslist, corresponding, spending 5$ to repair the tyre and such. 8%. She gave me 100$. “I want you to have this for all you did to sell the splitter.” Actually, she gave me 95$, less the “FlatFix” I got to “fix” the tyre, so technically, I got 7,9%. Live… Learn. AND I told her about the job in NY. AND… her closing words when I left there were about getting to the GARDENING! Dodging is going to be some effort but… dodge, I shall, to the very best of my ability. 100$ for 10 days of house-work, yard-work, dog care (10$/day) and 7% “commission” for “all the work” I did to sell the splitter. Live. Learn. And being up from 6.00 on Thursday morning until 3.22 (now) on Friday? Live. Learn. – But I made it into la cage with-out the barking dogs so that was nice. – Now to see how much sleep I’ll get through the remainder of this “night”. – My neck POPS when I turn my head even now. – And tea in a “dirty” glass. This “life” isn’t worth the effort. – Well… to have the tea and try for a nap. Alarm set for 9.00. I hope that’ll be enough for the rest of the day… Pesach. Right. – 13.10 JUST in from first smoke! It’s HOT and HUMID out there this after-noon. And I could actually go right back to bed. The BOOMBOOM began at about 11.00, as far as I know. I woke at 9.00 with the alarm and stayed in bed until… almost noon. It’ll set my “sleep cycle” off, but I should be happy.. I didn’t HAVE to jump up and out of bed this morning. I didn’t HAVE to get right into the day. But what I wouldn’t give for silence right now. But there’s none to be had. – First thought today: “4 months more… I put up with 16 months of the shelter, I can put up with only 4 months more of this. And may it be no more than 4 months, please. – I’m still a bit on the “annoyed” side about the 7,9% thing. I’m sure it’s not “intentional” but… we shall see. And when I said, last night/this morning, that I’d be about for the Summer, and asked “Don’t you have a trip coming in July?”, the comment was “And some trips with MaryRose.” Ah… Let’s all take it (me) for granted. Such it is. – Right now, stomach is “off”, head is “light”, chest feels “bound”. Anxieties and such. Ah… another day. – And this house smells like old men, sweat and inactivity. Stale. Disgusting. – 21.16 Back in bed with “Nighty-Night” tea steeping. A low BOOMBOOM in the walls. – This after-noon, I couldn’t find my black cap and so, headed over to Jacquie’s. As I was in the yard with the goilz, she and Kerry came walking by. Kerry said “We’ve just come back from your favourite city.” Ah yes? Jacquie took her and son “Shane” up to Montreal this morning. How nice for all of them. Me? Not even asked. So, I’m “back in my place”. And this evening, I suspect Jacquie’s up there at the house for dinner or something. Oh well, as I say: I’m in my place. – 4 more months. As usual, I leave this place in better than it was. And when I’m gone, it will return to what it was before I arrived and worked here. And I don’t care any more. – Got soft-ware to move the videos from the iPod to the lap-top today. More space for more music and “back-ups” of the videos that I want to keep. Maybe I’ll be able to watch them better on the lap-top now. “Asus” and the full-length movies. Nice, indeed. – I just hope I’ll be back on “regular schedule” when I wake in the morning. – I think Jacquie will be going to work tomorrow. She leaves in the after-noon and returns next after-noon so it might be dinner and breakfast for Hallie over the week-end. I don’t know. Will see. Don’t much care. I’m tired of all of this. And then? There’s to be the garden planting and shit. Oh yeah… indeed. – I’m pondering trying to sell the canoe… and at this point, I’ll take my own commission (10% at least) before handing the amount over. Hell! I need to get the car on the road… in a month! – We shall see what time brings along. As Tony Muscle said: God knew that I needed and put what I needed there for me. – Karma will attend to all.

Sat.23.Apr: 7.28 Well… a night of… SLEEP! Almost 10 hours of sleep. Ce se peut tu? Up from a smoke. Lyle in the WC, Bob in the loo. Ellie came out with me. And Dixie met me as I came back in. Chilly temperatures. Tonight, we go back down to 1° to begin another week of chill. And it’s Saturday. And it’s Pesach. And I wonder how I’ll be dodging “Do”. Yesterday, one of the solar lights fell apart. This morning, another. Things, falling apart. May the “falling apart” stay with these little things and not progress. “Falling apart”. Me too. Pain in the left side of the neck. Just stuff. Pain. Falling apart. Another day. All is “normal”. – I’m thinking I’ll have to close my “retirement” account, cash it in. 300$. BFD. Eh? Oh well. If I could sell the canoe at 900, add my 300, 1200. Into the Subaru. I’ve worked for and earned the 900. But… If only I were that kind of person. If only. Sometimes I wish I could be. But I’m not. “You can move away and go any-where, but you’ll never change ‘you’.” said Schmulik. Indeed. I’m a total shit4brains. – Pains. – 20.51 Well… I got hornswaggled into attending Hallie again today and tomorrow morning. Jacquie went to work this morning. Seems her “Pumpkin” took quite ill and had to b taken to hospital and of course… Jacquie HAD to take her. I got a message via Gvoice this morning. Oh well. It gve me the chance to have HOT Chunky soup with 2 eggs and some cheese beaten into it. But I DID not and WILL not clean the house this week-end. I’ve more than enough to do at la cage… and speaking of which, I discovered that the batteries in the solar lights can be changed and so, I put a non-re-chargable into the one that wasn’t working, taped the lights into the lids and they’re all on the barn and all lighting away. Yay. – As for the rest of the day? I finished cleaning the iPod and put more music on with the new space from the deleted videos. AND I made the “inspection sticker” for the Subaru but when I went to print it at Jacquie’s, it printed the ENTIRE FUCKING SHEET! So I have to re-size for print. Fuck me! Eh? Oh well. There’s a bit more I want to “adjust” anyway and I do have tomorrow morning to get a print. – Other than that? Nothing. A “nothing” day. And now, I’m in bed, the BOOMBOOM softly rumbles through the walls and I’m having a bit of a v-ton before bed. Tomorrow I have to be up to get Ms. Hallie out of the house. And yes, I’m a bit resentful… having planned a “me” week-end. But… 4 more months… and they’re all on their own… PLEASE!!!!! – Soc.med. time and then… HOPEFULLY TO SLEEP through the night. It’s chilly tonight and will be for the week to come. But sunny… and there’s work to be done in the sun-shine. – Oh… and for some reason, my bowels are in “cleanse” mode. And I’m running low on toilet paper! How “Charmin” is that? Fuck me!

Sun.24.Apr: 7.30 Turned off the 6 and 6.30 alarms and went right back to sleep and, woke at about 7.00, have had coffee and smoke and feeling ICK. Another morning. But the little solar lights seem fine, and the water in the butt-bucket froze a bit over-night. Winter holds on. Now, to figure why the damned “inspection” graphic prints full-page and then, get to Hallie and try printing it again. Fuck. Another day. – 20.32 SHOWERED AND IN BED! WOOHOO! Got Hallie at about 9.00. Mme. BN too. By 9.45 was back, at la cage, in the yard, with the rake and getting up the leaves (and dodging the dog-shit, I’m NOT raking that up). WELL! 5 hours later and… I’d done the back yard, the both sides of the house including the “flower-bed” on the North side of the house! – Stopped by Jacquie’s, thinking I’d have a tea but… she’d been asleep, fire in the wood-stove and whilst I was there, Kerry came by. They took Hallie out for a walk, I TOOK DIXIE ALONG FOR A WALK TODAY TOO! THEY have plans for going up to Québec tomorrow. I was NOT invited. BUT, as we parted back at la cage, I was told, by Jacquie, “Come by.” to Kerry’s. I said I was going to check on Mme. BN because there were feathers at the end of the drive and she was no-where to be seen. Well… I brought Dixie back, toddled down to Jacquie’s to return the leash and check to find Mme. quite fine in the back yard there and I came back to la cage… Bob and I chatted in the kitchen. He’s been cooking for them these past weeks and Lyle hasn’t been eating. SO MUC FOOD got tossed! But when I came in, he asked if I was hungry and said that he’d just put dinner away but that there was plenty. I declined. (Had a tin of “Chef” pasta and a tin of peaches.) – News: Jada quit the P.O.! Said she couldn’t take working with Cindy Shedrick nor with Rachel. Well… at least now SHE knows I wasn’t just bitching. – News: As I was raking the yard this morning, Bill (Mayo, from the store) called over “GOOD WORK!” “Of course it is.” I replied. Said he “Too bad Randy isn’t still around. He’d be doing that.” “Can you JUST imagine that?” I asked. “That’s why it was a funny joke.” he said. (Good to know that the town knows who does the work round here.) When I told Bob about it HE said that Randy WOULD have done it and then whined in court about it. (Bob will NEVER stop defending that douche-water.) – Anyway, the work is done on the yard. – Tomorrow, since Ms. Jacquie will be gone, I’m going to bring the Subaru and park it behind the barn. I don’t care what anybody says at this point, and I’m not about to be taking it round the world or anything. And besides, there, I’ll be able to “work” on it myself. And I’ll feel better having it OFF of Jacquie’s property. (No doubt Kerry’s already said something about the air and the tyre. I don’t give a shit.) I won’t be able to keep an eye on it as well. But then again, I can’t keep an eye on it over at Jacquie’s either so… better it should be here, where I am. And nobody’ll notice it because nobody goes back there anyway. And if they want to “Have a fire”, I’ll move it. No trouble. It’s only for a while anyway. – That said, tea time. One more ‘moke. – Bob asked Lyle to feed the dogs tonight. I’ve already done. I’ll say nothing (Lyle’s asleep anyway) and if they get fed twice? Good for them… the sweet-hearts. – OH! I tried to print the fucking inspection again… THIS TIME… TWO FUCKING INCHES! I CREATED A FILE OF THREE! FUCK THIS SHIT! But I’ll keep trying. AND, moving the car to the barn? I’ll be able to park it facing away from the sun so the “sticker” won’t fade AND I’ll be able to “work on it” better… with-out prying eyes. Thank me much.

Mon.25.Apr: 7.10 Again, turned off the alarms and went back to sleep. – Sunny morning. 0°. Me, looking rather drawn this morning. My back is “stiff”. Head-ache. – DREAM: 1st person. Laying in bed, in a small “attic” sort of room. And as I lay in bed, waking, some guy comes into the room and goes behind a “wall”, one of those “angled” sort of walls that would be in an attic room. There’s a hole in the wall, by the floor. I hear him scraping or breaking something behind the wall and bits of old paper and fabric get pushed out of the hole and onto the floor. I hear mice squeaking inside the wall, as if he’s killing them in there, and then the “stuff” falls out. I notice that, sometimes, because this happens repeatedly, every morning as I wake, there are worms and bugs in the refuse that drops to the floor. And as I say, this happens every morning as I wake. I wonder what’s behind the wall, but I don’t say anything, just lay in the bed, watching this happen. I find it disgusting, but it’s a regular occurrence and so I say nothing. – Interesting bit of dream. – I DID get invited to go with Jacquie and Kerry. Jacquie wasn’t home long, last night, from their dinner. Pam was there as well, and Jacquie says that she missed me and that I should have been there. And then something about having things to do this morning, calling for Kerry at abut 10.30, leaving before 11.00 and not being certain whether or not she would bring Hallie but that I should come over and we could all go for a ride. This morning, I’m thinking of bringing the Subaru over to park behind the barn here. AND I’m thinking of being stuck in the back seat of the truck all day with the dog. No… Not that I must have the front seat, but to be stuck in the back, with Hallie? I shouldn’t think that’s my idea of a “ride”. I want to bring the Subaru over here. I want to get that “inspection” matter done and printed. I’m not sure what else I want to get done, but there are things… to do. As much as it would be great to put something into the account at CIBC, the “cost” to me isn’t worth the trip. So… off they go. Not to mention: a day in the truck with Kerry-the-Lib? Nah… – Hopefully there won’t be TOO much else to do round here today. The “Boomboom” ran all through the night last. – OH OH… at mid-night I had to have a pee and it woke me. I looked out the front window to see a large, black SUV parked right out-side my window, and in front of it, in front of the store, an old, rather “used”, blue pick-up with some sort of “rack” on the cab roof. In the SUV, a girl of about 20 yrs., beside her, passengers side, a young fellow. She, the driver, was smoking, either weed or crack, a pipe. Imagine… mid-night, in front of the house and store, in this “perfect little town”. Oh well. – 23.35 BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM THROUGH THE EAR-PLUGS! – Meanwhile, I spent the ENTIRE day FINALLY balancing the iPod music! And THAT is ALL I did. – Tomorrow? Flurries. Oh well. Time to TRY for a nap!

Tue26.Apr: 6.26 DREAM: It was a brand new house. I lived there, and yet, I was merely visiting some-how. It was night, raining quite a bit. A storm. A strong storm. I came in. Sister was there, in the dark. The wind and such pounding out-side. I went up-stairs to a “living-room” and looked out the back window, into the night. The house was ON the shore-line of the ocean and as I looked out, a HUGE, truly HUGE WAVE crested, to a point, directly across from the house. It was amazing to see, it was so large! As it came down and pounded on the shore, the water RUSHED toward the house, even up to the 2nd storey window where I was watching, and it slapped or slammed into the house and up to the window. The force of the water broke most of the panes of glass in the 6-over-6 window and some of the water came into the house. “THAT’S not so good.” I said, almost calmly. Sister came into the room. The only light in the place was some sort of “moon-light”. “Don’t tell me…” I said “the lights are out.” and then suddenly realised that, of course, they were. There was a total flood all round the place. The water out-side should, at this point, cover the first floor level of the house. But I wasn’t concerned or afraid. Sister just looked at me, calmly too, and nodded. But the only thing that I was even impressed with was the size and beauty of the wave that had hit the house. – And I woke.-
Awake to an over-cast morning. AND… the BOOMBOOM HAS COMMENCED. – 6.39 Up from a smoke and yes, indeed, it’s a “Snow” sort of temperature. That “cold” but “warm” sort of morning. Forecast called for 8-10.00 and about a cm. We shall see. If snow, no moving Subaru. But it wouldn’t be today anyway, since Jacquie’s there and the truck is in the drive and such. Oh well… we defer yet again. – Now to get on with the day and see what we can “do” with it. – 13.56 Another “wasted” day. Dropped by to see Jacquie who is on her sofa, under blankets, has a cold. Oh well. Took Hallie out, let her back in and left. No good-bye. Back at la cage, Lyle was awake, barely. Asked me to get him an allergy pill. Hadn’t even gotten breakfast for the dogs. Well… And me? I’m ready for a nap. My stomach is “off”. Having a tea. The snow stopped. No accumulation. Getting a little warmer now. And I want to move the Subaru. But… it will have to wait. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps. –
***** 23.06 It was 23.00 EXACTLY WHEN THE BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM BEGAN!!! (and then Bob started coughing). WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL FUCK IS WRONG IN THIS PLACE? Tomorrow the car comes to the back yard and sleeping necessities go into it! THIS IS FUCKING INSANITY! *****
Time for “lights out” anyway. Ear-plugs in and out goes a day of…. Nothing. Although, I DID get the boxes for the polo shirts and sweaters and they’re packed. Just have to tape them. Tomorrow. Little steps. Reminders of the transient state of affairs. – Oh, and VPR announced, on Twtr, that 100 Syrians will be tossed into Rutland come the Autumn or late Summer. How charming. People are SO obtuse. Syrians are destroying Europe, but nobody pays attention. I’m glad to have the opportunity to get the fuck out of this state. It’s been quite the disappointment. But, for 5 years, “I’ve had VT”. I gave it a try… I gave it a good try. Time to leave. As Mum used to say: You’re free to go where-ever you want. If you like it, you’re free to stay. If not, you’re free to leave.” – Well, at least today’s snow fell, didn’t leave much of a presence, and is gone. It’s still rather chilly but at least there’s no snow. I think I’m going to try to mow at least some of the lawn tomorrow… when the morning frost and dew are gone. Why? Because… Like everything else round here… “Because”. Just… “Because”.

Wed.27.Apr: 6.50 Went back to sleep after the alarms and am awake… BOOMBOOM. – 7.10 Coffee and smoke and back. Sunny morn. More anxieties about getting the car back on the road and into the yard here. Another morning… more anxieties. – Lawn-mowing perhaps, today. Something, anything to keep busy. Busy. – 23.00
MOWED THE FUCKING LAWN FROM HOUSE TO WOOD-PILE!
NOBODY NOTICED. NO “THANKS”. MAKES MOVE TO NY EASIER.
6 HOURS IT TOOK!
After all that work, WALKED INTO JACQUIE’S FOR ADAPTOR PLUG FOR iPOD: DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK?
KERRY’S NOT IN TOWN. FUKKOFF!
THEN SHE TALKS ABOUT GOING TO LOEW’S FOR CEILING TILES AND CARPETING FOR THAT “WHITE ROOM”. “I figured, with the money from the splitter…..”
Then made some kind of mention about me going to NY. When I told her I’d leave NOW if I got the job, she said “You can’t go with the car like that! How much will it cost to get it in shape?”
Said I, “I don’t care. If it’ll get me there, I’d simply throw everything in and leave.”
I got the adaptor, had a tea and left. Went back at about 17.00…
Burger with Jacquie this evening.
Back at la cage by 20.00. Lyle peed on the floor and was mopping.
I had HORRID RUNS! So I came right up to the room, grabbed my toilet tissue and went to the loo.
Bob already in bed!
I AM SO EXHAUSTED! AND THE BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM IS ROLLING!
FUKKEMALL!
23.18 Out for last smoke and I’d brought a bag of “Hallie’s” food with me. Took the goilz out for last “do” and when we came in, I gave them each 3 hands-full of the food. OBVIOUSLY, THEY WEREN’T FED AGAIN TONIGHT! WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY IS THIS? I’m looking forward to getting OUT OF and AWAY FROM this shit-hole and THEY’LL go HUNGRY! Fucking shit-bags, those two. WON’T FEED THE DOGS! Now I’m so pissed-off about that I’ve gotten a 2nd wind! Truly? FUCK THIS SHIT! – Tomorrow, the Subaru gets moved to the back of the barn and I start working on it as much as I possibly can to get it ready to ROLL… AWAY FROM HERE!

Thu.28.Apr: 8.59 and only JUST up from first smoke! I turned the alarms off, went back to sleep and woke at 8.30! Feeling a tad “run over” this crisp, but sunny morn. And my stomach is still “off” a bit. And it’s “Normal Thursday”… 2 houses for the next few days. And wanting to do absolutely nothing. Not that there’s really a whole lot to “do”. Well… “On Tile At A Time”. The days will pass. Time will pass. And so too, shall all of this. – 19.49 In bed, peppermint tea steeping, and BOOMBOMBOOM is rolling. Of course. The fat shit slept all fucking day! Piece of useless shit. – But the North flower-bed is cleaned and there’s a mulched “walk” to get to the propane tank. – Jacquie’s becoming a right pain in the arse with finding shit she now “expects” me to do but I dodge. I declined a pasta lunch with her. She left a note “Please fix yourself something to eat while you’re with Ms. Hallie.” Sweet… but still. PLEASE THAT THIS NY SPOT COMES FLYING THROUGH PERFECTLY! AND SOON! – I had ice cream and rice breakfast cereal for “dinner”. Took 2 Ibuprophens before leaving Jacquie’s this evening. My stomach… my bowels are emptying themselves of the strangest almost liquid of late. And right now I’m so tired I want to cry. So. On that note…. a message to Ms. Jacquie, have my tea, SHOVE MY PLUGS IN MY EARS (FUCK THIS SHIT!) AS THE FUCKING BASS ROLLS ROUND THE FUCKING WALLS AND ROOM! I honestly DON’T know how Bob puts up with it but I’m willing to bet he’s not sleeping well because of the TV bull-shit all fucking night either. – August… PLEASE!

Fri.29.Apr: 6.10 8 hours of “sleep”. And I’m up from smoke on a CRISP morning out there, and back in a “chilled” room. Have been to take a shit TWICE already this morning. Chest pains. Bowels churning. A delightful Friday morn, this. And as for “sleep” last night… I was down and out for the day/night by about 21.00. Shortly after having typed last night’s entry. BUT… at 1.56 this morning, I woke… the ear-plugs were out and the BOOMBOOM was going right along! Is it ANY wonder that I’m sick all the time? No… it’s *** SHELTER *** “LIFE” again. – But last night/this morning, I woke out of a strange DREAM:
It began with me, and some other people, having won 22 million dollars in some “class action” law suit against something, somebody, some corporation, what-ever. I had, in fact, been awarded the money, but I didn’t believe it. I was ecstatic about it, was “celebrating” or such, was constantly concerned about expenses I had (the car, for one) and yet, others who’d also “won” kept trying to assure me that I had nothing to worry about because I HAD the money. Then, some-how, for some reason, I was in the “Farley” post office, or something similar to it. HUGE! The original reason had something to do with the 22 million, but I’d gone to a quichhet to post some bit of “drift-wood” that I’d worked on. It was grey, an old, worn 2×6 or 2×8 or something of the kind. 3 parts, held together with bits of chain. One section had been partially painted. Anyway, the woman there, (Ms. Em, as it were) wouldn’t accept it for the mail. I some-how knew it was HER personal decision to reject it for posting and I went into a RAGE! I told her that I’d shipped a similar item several times and that she was merely trying to make my “business” (of selling hand-made artifacts) fail. It was a concerted effort on the part of the postal service to ensure that my business failed. I stormed to a back office where a “Ms. T.”, a “supervisor”, confirmed that “they” would NOT accept the item for posting and I became even MORE enraged! I told them that I’d take them ALL down, that customers and others KNEW of their bull-shit and that I’d see to it that, before I died, THEY’D all “go down”! It was HORRIBLE! The anger and rage.
It was from this dream that I woke at 1.56 to hear the BOOMBOOM and turned on the little light to find my ear-plugs, neatly together, under my pillow. I put the plugs back in, put out the light, and went back to sleep. – Now, at 6.27, the sun is coming in through the FILTHY windows, and I’m ready to “nap” a bit. The shits are draining me already this morning. The last “movement” was a greenish yellow-brown and almost “vegetable”. I wonder. But I’m exhausted from it. – 9.06 I’ve been to the shitter THREE times already, went back to sleep until 8.00 and am now afraid to move for fear of shititng myself! BUT MUST GET TO HALLIE! And the fucking Princess BOOMBOOM is awake, thanks to some shit who rang the phone about 10 minutes ago. FUCK LIFE! – 20.51 IN BED AT LONG, LONG LAST! ALL of the laundry is done. The gutters in front of Jacquie’s and la cage are clean. The leaves along the Highgate St. are raked, the compost pile got pitched. Lyle almost … ALMOST got a good bit of a bad attitude today when, at about 13.00, I took a quick break to bring the bed linens in and, lying there as usual, took it for granted that *I* would take the goilz out to “pee-pee”! Fucking lazy shit-bag of old douche water that one! BUT… I DID… I took them out and we romped about the back-yard… FREE! Then I let them back in and went back to Jacquie’s for ice cream and a bowl of cereal. That, and 2 toasts and 2 rolls with butter… daily intake. This evening, I showered and sat on the front porch with a beer and to watch Mme. Poulet hoist up into the tree. Kailah came down for a “burner”… the electric counter-top cook plate. Seems the house is now out of propane. No hot toasts and no tea for me. Oh well. I can still heat a soup if I must. Anyway, I found it for them and they were on their way. My clothes dried, Hallie had dinner and at about 19.30 I came back to la cage where Bob and Lyle were on the recliners. I took the goilz out, fed them dinner. I know they didn’t have breakfast. If I could be certain that they wouldn’t go through trauma, I’d have them taken away. But… – Made the bed, sorted many pairs of stained socks from Cecil. They got washed twice today and still look filthy from the stains but at least they’re clean. They were in with the polo shirts that I’ve put into boxes. OH well… I’ve more socks now. BUT… the bed sheets are wearing through! I need to get NEW SHEETS! I mean, I do have to at least replace them? I should think. Money I don’t have. If I could get to Goodwill… 2,99$ for a sheet. But fat, fucking chance for that! – And now, 20.59, Bob is in bed, Princess Douchebag is zonked on the recliner and the nightly BOOMBOOM rolls through the walls. I’m having a v-ton and hoping for sleep until 6.00. Tomorrow is to be some-what cloudy, bringing in the warmer weather. – Oh… I spoke at length with “Nick” from Highgate St. today. Still can’t figure him out, other than the other fellow is his “friend” and the woman who owns the house is his Grandmum. His father is Greek, mum is Belgian. Ca ce peut tu? And he went to school in Québec… “about 5 years ago”. I wonder… he’s young. Anyway, a delight. And he’s here from Florida. Stuff… people talk. – Off to soc.med. with my v-ton and to send a quick “report” to Jacquie… VERY brief tonight. I’m in no mood. – Tonight, as I got ready for bed I thought:
1,2,3,4
this is IT
There’ll be no more.

Sat.30.Apr: 9.32 It doesn’t seem possible: This late in the morning to be up-dating here and yet, I’ve been at Jacquie’s, where I am right now, for about an hour or so already. The month has passed quickly. The morning is passing slowly. – The night was horrid. Ear-plugs in and at about 21.30 or so I was under the covers. But, at about mid-night, CRAMPS! SO BAD, THEY WOKE ME! CRAMPS! And this morning? I’m just DRAINED. I’ve little-to-no energy. Came over to Jacquie’s this early because by 7.00, the BOOMBOOM was either already in progress or hadn’t stopped through the night. (Just in from a stroll with Hallie and Bob’s car is gone already too. I wonder if he isn’t bothered by the noise… but, if so, HE can say something and DO something to stop it. So? I just hold SO tightly to the hope that all will go well with my re-location back to NY… soon.) So, I got up, had my coffee, got dressed and left… right away. – It’s Saturday, the day I force myself to NOT work. – This morning’s news is horrid too. Violence at a Trump rally in California. This country, this world is a total mess. People are fucked-up beyond any and all hope of ever being of any value. It literally made me sick to see it. I just can’t… CAN’T understand the degree of absolute stupidity. And too… Liz is very much in mind these days. She’s one of those supporters of such bull-shit. And I’ve no doubt she’s off and running about, supporting that Socialist Commie shit, Bernie. Well… as I think these days: I doubt I’ll bee much more of this year through. If I’m stuck here, it’s a guaranteed “out”. If I get back to NY, it’ll be a bit on the “questionable” side but, I’m tired… tired of it all. – Meanwhile, a little more effort to get the “inspection” card done today. I’ve brought that thumb-drive that was in the black bag Viv gave me. Hopefully it’ll work and hopefully I’ll be able to get the damned thing printed properly… TODAY! Then? Trying to figure out how to get it onto the windshield and such… and how to get the Subaru on the road again. Shit… always shit to ponder and to be concerned about. – Oh… and the propane? The twats have their own tank. I’m having a tea. – 13.27 and I’ve “accomplished” absolutely nothing! In fact, I sit on the recliner here, at Jacquie’s, and I fall asleep! I wonder what’s causing that. Just no energy. There are things I’d “like” to do but… – Bob’s back at la cage. I wonder if he’s brought somebody in or up… a potential “renter” for some room or something in the house. I wonder if word of my possible departure hasn’t gotten to them. I don’t care, really. I just tend to think: Life will be as it has been for most of my life and somebody will take some sort of action to thwart a peaceful departure. Oh well… Time alone will tell. – Sun is shining. The wind is from the North and chilly. Hmmm… I could use some warmth. FATIGUE! – (On Sunday morning) Well, it was a day… of dozing in the recliner at Jacquie’s, and trying NOT to “work”. I DID get the “inspection” image printed. I’d brought the lap-top with, and the thumb-drive that was in the little black bag from Viv, worked on the image and got it printed. Not perfect, and not the way it probably should be, but once in the window, it will be green, not red. – And the day dragged on. I was at Jacquie’s rather early and as I say… the day dragged. – I ate. Finished the breakfast cereal and the ice cream. That was it until I got back to la cage this evening round about 19.30 and had a tin of pasta. Woop-dee-doo. – I DID figure out how to get Jacquie’s Mp3 player to work. She can have music now… not that she will use it, but it’s there. – As I say, I tried watching a bit of TV during the day but every time I got to the recliner, I dozed… DOZED! TIRED! SO FUCKING TIRED! – This evening, I just couldn’t take the idleness, and discovered that, now that the earth is thawed, I could straighten the chain-link fence in the back, round the garden so… with a bit of manipulation, I got the posts straightened and shoved rocks into the earth to hold them in place. Perfect? No. But it DOES look MUCH better, indeed! And not being satisfied, I got those 2 large bits of wood that we’d used to keep the tarps on the piles, and had at them with the ax in the kitchen. WELL! They were both quite wet inside and so, hacking at them was an effort but I DID manage to break them down to size. But as ’tis the truth: NO good deed goes un-punsihed and as I got the first bit hacked, part of it cam flying up and smacked into my left hand… a nice “gash”. Work on Shabbat… NO NO NO! Of course, I wasn’t wearing gloves. So I washed the thing out when done, put some TAB on and a bandage. It doesn’t want to stop bleeding now. Oh well… – By about 19.30 I was back at la cage… Bob and Lyle were in. I took the goilz out and Bob came along and we chatted. Seems he got Lyle out of the house for a few hours today. He, Bob, had blood-work and such and so, took Lyle… it was, according to Bob, rather difficult. But they drove round and about, had a bite to eat here and there. Lyle’s REALLY in terrible condition these days and I have to admit that in comparison to the BOOMBOOM, I truly SHOULD have more compassion (I don’t, but I should). OH… and in consideration: I’d posted the photo of the lawn-mowing I’d done, onto fesses-book the other day and made a rather low-key snarky comment with. Lyle posted his thanks and commented that Daisy is smiling down on me for all I do round the place. Yes, I SHOULD be more compassionate. I just don’t have it in me. – The evening wound down at about 20.30 (after I’d watched a bit of TV with them). I gulped the tin of pasta, had a light v-ton, a bit of soc.med., shoved the plugs in my ears and by about 21.30… lights out for the day. – I can’t believe… APRIL IS DEAD AND GONE AGAIN! TOMORROW MORNING IS MAY! FUCK ME! I wonder when this will all just end… in general. I want to get back to the “home” state… and imagine… the Adirondacks! AT LAST! How nice would THAT be? (What will come along to fuck THIS dream up?)