Thu.1.Oct: 7.37 Awake and feeling awful this cold but clear morning. Coffee. Smoke. And feeling awful. Too much sugar before going to bed… and going to bed late. It was almost mid-night when I put the lights out. But I’d had the carrot muffin from Jacquie and 2 donuts with that sugared tea. Too much sugar. And I’m paying for it this morning. Oh well… one of these nights, maybe I’ll just slip off and way as I sleep. I should be so lucky. – I noticed, as I passed the freak’s door, 2 large plastic “totes” at the door, and the closet in that room can be seen. That room has been “cleaned” a bit. There’s a part of me that is torn because of this… his having to leave. We are, people, beings of comfort in familiarity. And I’ve believed that we should never be with-out a place to “know” and be familiar with… a place of “home” or “home-base”. Even when I travelled, I would have a “home-base”, a central place to return to after going about. It’s horrible, to not have that security. And yet, I can’t ignore the trouble caused, the fact that the back porch is still a total mess, full of boxes and “stuff”. Two years of being told to clear it up and get it out. Multiple offers to help with it, ignored. And the days… of staying in the bed, doing nothing… and then getting up and sitting around, doing… nothing. And not bringing the dogs out for exercise, not cleaning up even the shit. Nothing. Doing nothing. Two years of it. And doing nothing all day until the last moment to prepare dinner… something that could have been done through the day. Even B. said it to me that one day, in the car: What do they do all day that they wait until I’m on my way home from work to ‘talk about what’s for dinner? There’s an element of “fairness” and “justice” in this situation that has to be considered. I’m not “better”, but the truth is, I’ve put more into this place, more hard work, through all sorts of weather and conditions. Maintenance. Constant maintenance. (And in spite of the nasty comments from others with reference to “paying”… Oh… I’ve “paid”… with my general health and well-being. Even to the travel, and never asking for assistance… in rain, snow, wind, cold, heat… I didn’t get rides into St.Albans, Burlington, where-ever. I didn’t get lifts to the store, didn’t have others run errands.) Yes, there is an element of “justice” and “fairness”. And no matter how much this gnaws at my guts, I truly DO have to consider that. Still… it does gnaw. Oh well. – I noticed, this morning, when I came back from the smoke, that this room has an odour… of “country living”, I’ll call it. Stale sweat. Old man. Me. And the windows were closed last night for the first time. Hmmmm…. well too, the room hasn’t been “maintained” through the Summer, since the Hoover was in the freak’s room. (There too, something to be considered: no consideration nor respect for me.) Oh… how I used to keep my place so clean. How I’m slipping into “old”. – The barn thermo reads 30°F this morning. COLD is coming. I wonder if I’ll be able to tolerate it this year. How I wonder… – Well, it’s going to be at least 2 weeks before I know anything about going back to work at the PO. There’s a large part of me that doubts I will. And yet, because I don’t really want to go to St.Albans to work, there’s a part of me that thinks that this will be the office I get. OK… it’s better than the trip to NY. But… Getting back to work is important. Besides, I was contemplating retail… in St.Albans. So? So. Here we go… again. – I’d like to get on with the decorations on the house today. But the rains are supposed to be returning and putting organic materials out there now isn’t a good idea. Patience? Bull-shit. – Speaking of bull-shit… time to check the soc.meds. for the day, the météo and get on with the day. I have another 3 days of Jacquie’s coming… a place to go to… respite, of sorts. Laundry and Human-ness. There… something to look forward to. SHOWERING as well. How lovely is that? Eh? – October… already… and still in this place. Life… There is no “Hell” after this… only “Peace”. – 21.26 In bed showered!!! After what is the END OF MY STAY IN THIS STATE!!! Border Patrol. State police. Order of I can’t even think of the fucking term… Protection… ANOTHER FUCKING SILAS BURTON! ONLY THIS TIME, THE FREAK GOT ONE (in about 20 minutes!!!) AGAINST LYLE… FOR 300 FEET! ESSENTIALLY THROWING LYLE OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? AND WHEN THEY WENT TO THECOURT HOUSE TO HAVE IT REVIEWED/REVISED? ONE FUCKING JUDGE? AND “SHE” WAS IN JUVI-COURT UNTIL 16.00!!!! Now I learned, this evening at about 20.30 when I contacted B. from Jacquie’s… the kangaroo judge won’t even LOOK at the order until MONDAY MORNING AT 9.30!!!! THIS STATE IS INCREDIBLE! I PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT IN SHELBURNE, BURLINGTON, JERICHO, RICHFORD… AND NOW HERE? THIS ENTIRE STATE IS A FUCKING MENTAL INSTITUTION! I NEED TO GET GAS, GET THE CAR REPAIRED AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! – Meanwhile, I’m in the house… the fucking freak’s across the hall, I’ve got the gate across the door again… and there’s no telling WHAT the fucking voices in that shit-bag’s head will have him do… TO ME! I could be at Jacquie’s but I refuse to be drawn into it. AND… B. tells me that L. has a written statement that he’s going to have Notarized stating that *I* am to take responsibility for the house and property in their absence because B. won’t be coming back until after court either! FUCK FUCK FUCK ME! OUT! I MUST GET OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE ASYLUM! – Other-wise… I’ve gotten SOME “decorating” done over at Jacquie’s. My heart isn’t in it there. The “Catholicism” and the general dumping of chores on me just takes the “joy” out of it there. I’m not happy with what I’ve done there. But I’m making certain that I get as much from that garden as I need now, to decorate “my place of residence”. I never did really benefit from MOST of my labours this Summer, on that garden. I didn’t get to EAT very much of what *I* tended and raised. Food… I “grewed it” but I didn’t “eat it”. And… AND… Jacquie had the fucking audacity to tell OTHERS to help themselves to what was there.. AND… AND… she made certain to toddle off with what was there BEFORE I got ALL of what I wanted (pumpkins and tomatoes in particular). Me? I got BEANS… literally… and even at that… I shelled SO MANY… and they’re in HER freezer! It’s come to “abuse” at this point. So… until such time as when I’m done with what’s left… HER place will do with what I find time to deal with, and will take the “left-overs”. – On another point, I made certain to bring to her attention my lack of appetite of late. NOT, mind, that she even gives a shit, nor does she feign a shit to give. But the truth remains… as of late, I have no more appetite than what is necessary to keep me from being hungry. Between the abuse I’m subjected to, being taken advantage of and for a fool… the stress of being in a place where one need watch every utterance and action, and listening to HER babble on about how SHE is so distraught because of that house on the Square rd… after SHE all but BEGGED to be abused by those trash who left her with a shambles. Not to mention the fact that, indeed, the people moving in have IMPORVED the place… HER PROPERTY, by investing THEIR time and energies in it. Ah… this is an abusive state of abusive and ungrateful in-breeds. (And this evening, on the phone, when she told me that the freak’s sister told her that L. punched the freak… and Jacquie bought that lie!? I let her have it: this is a state of in-bred liars! She tried to shove it off as being “Franklin” but I set her straight… I’ve been subjected to this shit in Shelburne, Burlington, Jericho and Richford as well… It’s the STATE! Her reply “Well, I’m thankful that I’m not in-bred and from Vermont.” Ah… Jacquie dearest, either you’ve assimilated into it well or… I question… Perhaps not from Vermont… but you’re certainly good for passing as such. – Enough… enough of this day. Thinking about it makes me even more ill… sick to my stomach. My brain just refuses to even entertain the activities of this day… these “people”… this state.

Fri.2.Oct: 0.10 The gate is across the door wedged by the bed. The canvass is up again, just in case. There’s moaning or something across the hall in the freak’s room. I saw it when I’d come from the shower when I got in from Jacquie’s. – I’ve browsed the soc.med. for notes. Nothing posted. But now I’m going to try for some sleep… with the light on. This is shit! And something must be done to stop it. I wonder if B. couldn’t take out a “Restraining Order” or “Order of Protection”. I’ll have to try to suggest that and see. – Meanwhile… a bit of a nap here. I can do laundry and such during the day. Right now, I hope the retard doesn’t try any shit in the house over-night. – 8.24 Bitter cold out there this morning, and I slept through 2 alarms again this morning. The freak is awake, and the house is silent. Just up from smoke with the dogs and a twinge in the back. Another day of “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!” THIS.. IS… HELL!!! – *** OH. AND I KNOW THAT I DISCONNECTED FROM THE INTERENT BEFORE SHUTTING THE LAP-TOP DOWN LAST NIGHT, BUT I WOKE TO FIND IT CONNECTED!!! THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO GO! MUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS STATE!!! SHIT!!! SHELBURNE… BEING CALLED A “SCUM-BAG”. THEN ACCUSED OF BEATING TARA. FRAN AND HER BULL-SHIT IN JERICHO. AND SILAS AND HIS “ORDER OF PROTECTION” IN RICHFORD. STACIE AND HER BULL-SHIT WITH THE APPLICATIONS FOR WORK. CINDY AND HER BULL-SHIT LIES FOR SHELDON. SON-OF-A-BITCH! THIS STATE IS UN-HEALTHY! Jacquie did say that there are no “institutions” for the psychotic and retarded in Vermont… they’re all in “the community”. Well, this morning, I believe that the sick are, indeed, in the community… reproducing… freely… and the rest? Probably inter-breeding with them as well. THIS STATE IS A NIGHT-MARE! A BIO-HAZARD. – 9.51 on the road – 21.10 In bed. SHOWERED! And 3 donuts down. I am on the bed. The freak is in the bed. The dogs are down for the night (until I go for my last smoke). I’ sorry that I didn’t bring booze from Jacquie’s but I’m probably better with-out it… considering. – NOTE: When I got in at about 20.20, one of the broads who helped the freak move yesterday was standing in the kitchen. When I came up the road, there was a car parked in front, with motor running, head-lights on. I thought it might have been B. so I started to walk towards until I notice the license plate wasn’t there’s. Well… I dodged and checked my decorating of the day and then came in. The back door was locked but the freak jumped right to open it. I said “Thank you.” Dixie greeted me all bouncy. I said to her “You didn’t eat your supper.” and the freak replied “Not yet. But she got double last night.” I replied “I wasn’t sure.” and came to the room to prep for my shower. – OK. That noted… to the day… Well… It was CHILLY this morning but I got over to Jacquie’s at about 10.00, Hallie got breakfast and I put my clothes into the washer and settled in for a coffee… “café botz” as it were. Bustello made “bots” Turkish style. Wait! I journalled this in an e-mail to me! I’ll have to get the e-mail and cut’n’paste!!! – HERE IT IS… (at 21.31 and I’m up from my last smoke of the day with a most animated Ms. Dixieroo! I must say.) – 11.44 Laundry is washed… for the first load, and about to be tossed into the dryer. I just moved the car from the road and…. SQUEEEEEEK-CRUNCH! I don’t know what the actual fuck is wrong now but this is NOT good! Especially if I have to get into St.Albans for an interview AND work! And I can’t help but suspect foul play in this town. Perhaps it’s just that the car hasn’t been moved. Perhaps it’s things that were bound to go wrong. But I can’t help but be SO suspicious… especially with that freak roaming freely and the relatives there-of. – And speaking of which… I just had to stroll across the road to deliver a pasta salad to the Homestead and when I came out of Jacquie’s, the freak was standing in front of the telephone company… in shorts… senseless idiot, on the phone. And even as I moved the car, it was still standing there… on the phone. No telling WHAT the fuck to expect next!!! I wouldn’t doubt that there’s going to be some kind of atrocity that I’ll be dragged into now, this being Vermont. – None of this makes my insides any more settled. This shit has GOT to END! QUICKLY! – Well… I’ve had a cafe botz this morning. Bustello, but the same genre. Not bad at all, really. AND… I have to get to the market for more coffee… and with the car making all this noise and such…. this is going to be… well… “typical” for me… Bull-shit on bull-shit. No sense asking “Why?” It’s the way my existence is to be… and my dread? Another Winter of walking into St.Albans… and Enosburgh. Perhaps when the weather warms a touch, it’s time to “depart”. End of the line, as it were. – Well… 11.51… time to toss the wash in to dry and to get to the task of decorating that pit. At least I’ll leave “pretty” behind. – I’m SO completely fed up with this shit. – PS… putting this into an e-mail for a “cut’n’paste” later. Typing on Jacquie’s lap-top. Things are miserable… truly miserable. – 23.51 Well… another day gone. Hours on the soc.med. Just up from THE LAST smoke of the day. The freak is munching across the hall. The gate is on my door. I keep thinking of being in this house, and B&L in a hotel and I’m repulsed. Repulsed by the laws of this state that would put a 65 year old home-owner OUT… essentially on the streets, taking the word of a clearly delusional, mentally incompetent imbecile. “Atrocity” is the word that comes to mind. Yes, I could very well have been and could be in the predicament of being “Homeless” at this point. But I’m not. There would be justification for me being tossed. Financially, of course. Yes, I’ve invested my time, effort, energies and sweat in this property, but by law and perhaps by ethics as well, I could well be put out. But I am not…. Yet, a “senior citizen” and tax-payer… A TAX-PAYER had been put out! HOW I DO HATE THIS STATE! Horrid! Simply devastatingly repulsive, this place. It makes me sick when I think of it… sick to my core. How I wish I had the capacity to voice this in front of the courts, should it come to that. Jacquie says I have no obligation to appear on Monday. With-out a subpoena, she’s right. But just because of this malignment of justice, this intentional skewing of law, and the refusal of the court to even review the Order, I will appear. I doubt I’ll say much, but perhaps I’ll have the opportunity to voice SOME of what I believe to be just and fair… in spite of the fact that I seriously doubt it will have any effect. HOW I DO HATE THIS STATE! – I have to get to work. I have to get the car repaired. And I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS… VERMONT! Hopefully, the nether-reaches of the state of New York hasn’t yet adopted this kangaroo court system. But I’d rather doubt it’s this stupid.

Sat.3.Oct: 8.28 and 14° in this sun-filled room. 55°F in the kitchen. And 29° on the barn. Me? Feeling rather like shit. And, come to think of it, I’ve have a warm coffee, a smoke and… said shit already. The freak is wrapped head-to-toe in the blankets across the hall. And… this begins another day. This morning… anxieties about the car. I need to get to the market. I’ll need to get to an interview. I’ll need to get to work. And the COLD weather is coming. How charming. How “my existence”. Anxieties in the morning. Death, most welcome. – Am thinking of another soc.med. page as well. Something along the lines of Dusty Springfield… Rusty Bedsprings? It’s in the works. Back-ups for shut-downs. – Last night I discovered that that freak has a commonality with one of my correspondents on the fesses-book… the fellow in London with the delightful sense of humour. That’s got to end, unfortunately. So I’ll have to bounce about the soc.med. and cut the connection. I’m being inconvenienced by that piece of shit… yet again. Fodder for my appearance on Monday? Ah… Monday… I’m expected at court on Monday… and the car won’t make the trip. HEY! Maybe that’s my “out” of that involvement? A “positive” to the “negative”. And we can rest assured that I won’t ask for favours of Jacquie! So… there we have it. No court on Monday. Not under my control. Alas… oh well… that’s life. I shall view it as a “save”. – And so the minutes tick by. The cold settles in over the North Country. Today is Saturday… I wonder if there will be a “visit” from the home-owners today. I wonder if there’ll be a “visit” from the freak’s clan. I wonder… Leave it to time, leave it to the day… things will be what they will be. And I will be down the road in the event it’s necessary. – Another day… I HATE “another” days. – 10.03 COLD IN HERE AND I JUST SMELLED WEED SMOKED IN THE HOUSE!!!! OK! I’M OUTTA HERE! – 23.14 Dozing off…
(filling in here after the fact.. I’d done “notes”) Well, it was a “lazy” sort of day… Shabbat, as it were. Just a day on the soc.med. at Jacquie’s with Hallie. I did get my “work clothes” washed though. – This morning, as I was getting ready to leave the pit, B&L showed up. B. came right up to the room, knocked and as usual just marched right in They’d come to take the freak in to St.Albans to get its phone put in its own name… and to give me a hand-written, notarised note giving me “authority” over the house an property in their absence. In one respect, it’s good, just in case anybody should say anything about me being here and in case the freak tries to cause shit and claim that I’ve no right in here. In another respect, the whole matter is so infantile that it makes me ill. Kriste! I want OUT of here and AWAY from this state! – So I got to Jacquie’s by 10.00 and Ms. Hallie had her breakfast and we settled-in for a calm Shabbat, indeed. – Today, “Rusty Springs” was born on fesses-book… Iona Traylor is alive, so too me, myself, me, the designer, and me, the Loup. But it’s always good to keep spares about… especially with the way fesses-book shuts us down for speaking freely about our dislike for the way this country is going. So, Rusty is now running amok… Yay Rusty! – Before going over to Jacquie’s I stopped at the store to get some rice cereal because I was damned hungry. I had it with MILK and sugar for a very late breakfast… more like lunch. But it was good! (I have to replace the milk though… good thing I’ve got the FS for that!) And the day moved along… in almost silence. – I moved the car from the drive-way to the phone shed today… with-out any incident. I wonder what “broke” and what dug into the road though. I’m rather suspicious of that, to be honest. I don’t trust ANYBODY in this entire state! Fucking nasty in-bred shit-bags. – This evening, I finished the other half jar of borscht and fried the 3 franks… 2 for me… 1 for Hallie (I should have eaten all 3 but… I’m rather an idiot that way). – At 20.00, I rang Jacquie and with-in moments, she pissed me right the fuck off: regarding the trailer full of scrap metal… she actually had the fucking audacity to say “With all the work Kailah, Michael and you did to move it…” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I said “I DO beg your pardon? With all the work WHO did? And yes, I do BEG your pardon.” and she all but brushed it right off, leaving the credit for the work with THEM… Me? Rather than get into it all with her, I simply, quietly, calmly, rang off on her, got up, got my things together, kissed Ms. Hallie good-night… let the phone ring, the answering machine take the call as she whined “Hello? Are you there? Did I lose you?” Fuck yourself… COW. I’ve gotten to the very end of my rope here with this bullshit about not being recognised for the work I’ve put into YOUR place all fucking Summer. Between the garden being cleaned out under my nose and behind my back… AND right in front of my face with the “I’m bringing this to work.” and “I’m bringing this to my daughter.” FUCK YOU! There’s MORE work left to be done and MORE coming come the Winter… good luck with that… Hopefully your “Kailah and Michael” will be there to help you. – WELL!!!! I get into the pit and up the stairs and the freak tells me that B. rang the house. “Bob called for you on the house phone so I had to get up and go all the way down-stairs to answer it. He wanted to know if you were home. I told him ‘not yet’.” So? What the fuck you want from me? Fucktard. I came into the room and got on-line… sent B. a text message via Google. He wanted me to PHONE HLS! So… I did. It was all about court on Monday… AND to tell me… to TELL ME that the freak’s family is not to be in the house and that I have the right to tell them so because of that paper. AH HAH!!!! and so this shit gets deeper still. As if *I* am going to get involved! OH HELL JUST NO! YOU want them to stay out… YOU get the order from the police and such. Leave ME the fuck out of this shit! So fine… that little schmooze done… of course I didn’t say that I wouldn’t throw the family out… I simply “Yes” people to their own demise. Why bother with any other approach? Oh… and they’re both insisting that I appear in court on Monday… right… I owe THEM nothing…. I’ve put up with all of this bull-shit in silence… I owe THEM NOTHING! And I do NOT want to get involved in THEIR infantile bull-shit. Again… I didn’t bother to say as much. No sense… dealing with retards. – Well… silly me… in case the freak was listening as I chatted with HLS, I feigned speaking further on the call … in French… to make it appear that I was speaking with somebody from Quebec… just in case. And then, after a few moments… Done. – So… that brings this to the end of the day… the house seemed a bit warmer today… perhaps the heat came up. The house… warmer… not this room though. Oh well… tomorrow I’ll have to get to seal that open registre and hope that that helps… even a little. – A little more soc.med. as I feigned my chat in French… and now… at 23.00, I’d like to go for one last smoke but I’m exhausted… sleep instead… It’ll be better anyway… my tobacco is running low and I really don’t “need” the last smoke… off to sleep. The gate is at the door… this day is closed.

Sun.4.Oct: 7.35 Woke at 7.00 before the 7..30 alarm. The un-sealed window is fogged. COLD has come. The barn thermo reading 20F this morning. The COLD has arrived. It’s 14C in this room this morning. I guess I have no choice but to find the heater now. I did NOT want to be here for this! I’d hoped to be out in MAY! The car is breaking-down. No work. No cash. And COLD. We’re heading for… ANOTHER “CLUSTER FUCK”. Typical “me”. – And the freak is awake already. Ellie pee’ed in the hall over-night. I’ll have to pepper the entire hall now. Honestly. Honestly. – If not for the warmer on the bed… I’d be frozen. Hey! I wonder if I couldn’t do THAT: leave the heater off and freeze. I wonder. – My right hand had little cuts on it. I don’t know what from. Oh well… – And this room needs some order. Well, I’m not planning on being about Jacquie’s today. I still am miffed about that “You and Kaila and Michael” comment. These people… shit-bags… the lot of them. – Env.Cad. claims it’s 3C out there with chill of 1C. Well, at least it’s still warmer in here. But the temperature in here this morning is today’s HIGH. Ca ce peut tu? – 13.26 The day has turned delightfully warm and sunny. I’ve done feeding Ms. Hallie and putting Jacquie’s kitchen and house in order and cleared “me” out of it. Also, moved the car back to the road… no trouble, thankfully. – AND… I’ve gotten the open registre behind the bed sealed with plastic. Not “insulating” but perhaps it will stop all the cold air from circulating in this hole. I EVEN GOT THE LITTLE HEATER OUT! It’s in the box, on the floor, but it’s readily available now and that’s quite a relief. Now… if only to get the freak out of here… instead of parked on the bed across the hall. – Note: Ellie pee’ed on the floor in the hall at some point last night and the freak actually cleaned it! I wasn’t going to… but I WILL be putting white pepper on the hall carpeting to keep the psychotic little bitch (literally… in both senses) away. – But for now… I’m going to have a bit of rice cereal with MILK… and then? Not sure. – Jacquie is back at her place… and I’ve really no intention of going over there… unless necessary. – 22.41 An entire day spent in the pit today. The room is “clean”, swept and slightly dusted and that’s about as far as it all got. Shame, really, because it was a delightful day, weather-wise. – This evening I texted B. to say that I wouldn’t be able to make it to court tomorrow. He replied “OK” but L got on and sent “I need you there!!!” I told them both of the rut the wheel made in the road… and the conversation died. Once again… I am not thinking: They made arrangements to get the freak here and there. They made arrangements to get the freak to St.Albans to get the phone switched. They make arrangements for that shit.. but if they want me … or “need” me in the court… they could make arrangements… but they won’t. So? So… No doubt there’ll be fall-out and ramifications. And I’m prepared to retaliate, should it become necessary. With facts, of course. But, once again… it’s not what HAS been done FOR them… it will be what can’t be done that will matter. How-ever… I can’t help but think: IF the freak’s family believes that we’ll ALL be at court tomorrow, there’s nothing stopping them from coming into the house when they believe it’s empty, and doing what-ever crosses their in-bred minds. So, perhaps this is best that I don’t go. We shall see… and I shall point the fact out. – Meanwhile… the temperature in the room is about 17°. I think the cover on that registre is having some positive effect. Some… nothing drastic. – The little heater is out of the box and plugged in. I ran it for a few moments this evening, just to make sure it still works. It does. I won’t run it tonight though. Not really necessary, although it would be nice. But the freak’s probably listening and, well, we’ll just leave it at that. – I noticed that I’m running out of tobacco. The “lean times” are returning. Not good. Hopefully the car will hold until a first pay-day… and hopefully that will come SOON enough. – I wanted to shower tonight but, the freak is supposed to be at court tomorrow so I’ll have the place and the machine… I can wash the bed-linens and freshen the room up comfy. (I filled the mattress today… it’s wonderfully firm and comfy tonight.) – A mug of hot water at bed-side and a little browsing as I sip and hopefully… to sleep… to wake early tomorrow… and hopefully I won’t be dragged out of here to the court. I don’t want to get involved. Not my monkeys… not my circus. But it wouldn’t be my “life” if shit didn’t come piling on top of me. – 23.22 Nice… I’ve caught up with yesterday’s notes. A quick check on phone messages, soc.med., meteo and to sleep… I hope.

Mon.5.Oct:

8.00 on the dot. Empty house… me and the dogs. I’d like to get the bed-linens washed but I’m not certain that the house will remain empty long enough. And, this morning’s anxiety: the ramifications of me not being at court. I KNOW… I SEE IT COMING. We’re not dealing with sane or rational people here. Still, I can’t help but think: You “spoiled brat”, you can’t have life the way YOU want it. (Shit… I can’t, neither can others. So?) But I SEE IT COMING… and it’s not “good”. – Well… the only thing to do is ride it out. “This too, shall pass.” At least now, I’m rather prepared… – 8.15 I just rather noticed something that I’ve known a while but it just struck me… the freak is using a photo of B&L on its fesses-book page! How about that? Hmm…. and neither of THEM has noticed this? Interesting… to a point. Next… – I checked the court calendar for this morning… nothing at all in “Civil” which is where they should be, and they don’t appear on the other calendars. I wonder how this is all going to play out. I wonder… – 8.18 checking on the “phone” here (Gvoice) and nothing… so, as I’ve resolved: if it was all that important that I be there… other arrangements could have been made. – If this all gets tossed out of the courts and the restriction order is either modified or rescinded, “peace” in this house, will be no longer. Alas… I will be off to the barn… in the cold… as is, for me, “normal”. – 10.42 alone in the house and getting on with the day – 18.15 and 15° in the room…. 14° outside. – Trying again for elusive internet service. – 22.19 SHOWERED… in bed… with the freak across the hall in an other-wise empty house again. I cannot CANNOT believe these events! THE JUDGE RE-WROTE THE RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST L. TO INCLUDE *FUKLIN*! HONESTLY, THIS STATE IS A FUCK-HOLE! I finally headed out of the house at about noon and got to work cleaning that back porch area with a leaf rake. I had both dogs on leads and suddenly, B. appeared (luckily, I was working on the yard…), he, L. and their Eric had come for more clothes and such… that’s when he told me about the re-write! AND not only was the re-write for all of the town but the fucking bitch “judge” gave them ANOTHER date to return… because THEY appeared with a lawyer and the courts gave the freak extra time to get an attorney! What the actual fuck? This fuck-hole state is too fucking much to digest! I sat in the car with L. for a bit whilst B. and Eric got things together. Suddenly, out of the blue, the freak appeared… from the direction of the store. Slimy sneak, that one. Fucktard. Anyway, B. got his things with Eric as witness and they departed. I went back to work in the yard. Some time later, B&L re-appeared to get something more. I made light, asked if they had a pool at the hotel. They do. Tempting as it is now… But I joked and they left and I finished the back area. It looks rather clean now.. I’m happy with that much. Then I fixed the lose slat on the front porch. All it took was a shove back into place. – That done, I came into the room to try again for internet. Connecting is trouble of late… but with all the changes going on in this house… cutting the freak off from communications and such. It’s no surprise. – I’d mentioned to L. that I want to see if I can’t sue for the aggravation the freak is causing. Apparently, Penny will be here toward the end of this week and she too wants to sue the shit out of the freak. Me? I’m all in for that! L. said we might be able to file a “class action suit”. Me? I’m investigating as to what can be done… If Penny starts the suit, she’ll do so in Mass… and the fucker will have to appear there. I HOPE!!! We’d win. Win what? I don’t know. But… – I told L. that the freak is using their photos on fesses-book and that there’s quite a collection of their photos on his page. Hopefully, they’ll do something about it. I don’t know though. But, later this evening, I went to visit Jacquie and as I spoke with her I recalled that the fesses-book is connected to other sites and so, if the freak posts anything incriminating, the “ID” is B&L! This shit is getting deep. – As for the visit with Jacquie… WHAT a visit! She gave me an envelope… “a little something” (the usual) for minding Hallie… and a note, written by Hallie, thanking me for all I’ve done and decorating the house and cleaning and such. Brought me to tears… (and then… a sudden attack of the trots!!!! which are still, at 22.32, with me). Anyway, the visit must have been round 16.00 and Jacquie had a meeting in St.Albans at 18.30 so when she left, I did too. I stopped at the store, got a block of cream cheese and hot dog rolls and a box of “pumpkin donuts” (which taste like shit). Came into the room and actually ate all of the cheese and most of the rolls. Then went dashing back to get Hallie’s dinner (and wash the few things in the sink and sweep the kitchen floor). When Jacquie came back, I was still there. We sat, chatted a bit and I came back to the pit to shower. – I’m itchy tonight, for some reason. Even the shower hasn’t really helped. – I ran the little heater for a brief bit… but every time I put it on, I hear the freak whining over there across the hall… I don’t know to whom or about what, but the timing is co-incidental. – Oh… and L. sent a text: make sure the “Emergency Boiler Switch” is “off”. I don’t think that’s in anybody’s best interest since B. mentioned that he was told that he cannot disconnect/discontinue “essential services”. Bad enough they’re having the mail held and I’ll have to go get that. I don’t know how I’m going to handle the freak’s mail now. THIS puts me in a situation… but… I’ll do what I can. Lisa over there is no help at all… part of me understands that she doesn’t want to get involved, but the other part of me just thinks of her as a bitch… which is true anyway. – Well… it’s 22.38. Radio Canada is on the radio… lovely to hear the French. Lovely to hear the radio. Now if i could only get rid of the anxieties!!!! Seriously… I SO want to sue the life out of that freak… not only for present shit, but for 2 years of it!!! Hopefully I’ll be able to make it to the court next hearing and be able to express MY part in this. And stress the stress and anxieties and illness the shit-bag has caused me… all along… including the tirade in the yard and being told I should go back to NY and the Shelter. – Tea time and browse and try for some beneficial sleep… the gate is across the door. It’s not too bad, temperature-wise. Not too bad at all.

Tue.6.Oct: 8.11 WOW! Sick this morning! Almost on the verge of vomiting when I came up from my smoke. Bad bowels. Sour stomach. And that “vomiting” sensation. And over-cast this morning as well. Not as cold as it’s been though, so that’s a bit better. – I fell asleep last night, with the radio on. We can see that things are bad….. when I can fall asleep with the radio on. Thankfully, it’s “Radio Canada”. Nice to go to sleep and wake… to French. – First thoughts this morning: a car that I can’t trust to get me from here to there and back. I should put the cash into the banque but I don’t know what’s “wrong” with the car. I thought, yesterday, that something must have “melted” on the last trip to the banque. Something smelled as if it had burned, when I got to les douanes. So perhaps something burnt, stayed soft as long as the car was hot and then, as the car sat, it hardened. The emergency brake? Perhaps. I just don’t know. Oh well… We’ll have to see what happens. Nothing can be done about it at this juncture… not yet. – And this miscarriage of justice… that fucking freak across the hall. I just don’t understand any of this. I just don’t. And that too, works on my body as well as my mind. – Well… plans for this day? A bit more decorating for Jacquie, I suppose, and small things about the house here. Nothing drastic. And I’ve a feeling that part of this sickness is the cream cheese and nasty donuts yesterday… so working that out needs to be done as well. – 8.18 and I’m ready to go right back to sleep. Exhaustion … because of bull-shit. BULL-SHIT! I need to get out of this state, put these 4 years behind me… and this month… it’s 4 years… and I’ve had MORE than I can stand. – 9.44 30 minute nap and I still don’t want to wake up… I could, really… just sleep this day right away. TIRED! EXHAUSTED! FED-THE-FUK-UP!!! – 11.45 Fucking internet has been annoying all morning and my stomach can’t take any more aggravation. The skies are not clearing and the freak’s posting “dummies hanging upside-down – 3 of them – from trees”. OK. I need to mozey here. Just mozey… – 21.38 In bed AT LAST! I’m EXHAUSTED!!! Not that I DID anything with this day. I didn’t. Didn’t get out of the bed until almost noon. And then, went over to Jacquie’s where, for the most part, I watched her prepare some food, had a tomato sandwich for lunch and then watched her wash her window screens. I did try to get to the PO for the mail but it was closed at 14.30. So I went to the library and chatted with Kathleen who acted all “I haven’t see you all Summer.” Another one… Fuklin. I put an inter-library on “For Colored Girls etc.” to get that one poem “No Assistance”. It should be here by Saturday and I can read and copy some of the better pieces from it. Then went back to hang with Jacquie. – B. came by. He’d come to get pants for L. and to check for mail. He showed me the “Restraining Order”….
It reads, in part:
300 FEET FROM THE HOUSE
AND…..
THAT THE FREAK IS THE SOLE INHABITANT OR PROPRIETOR OF THE PREMISES!
THIS FUCKING STATE IS A MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE AND LIFE IN GENERAL!!!
I SO SO SO NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS STATE AND AWAY FROM HERE. IT’S A MAD HOUSE. AN ASYLUM ENTIRE UNTO ITSELF! IT’S MAKING ME SO FUCKING ILL! IT’S NO LONGER A MATTER OF “WANTING” TO GET OUT… IT’S “NEED”!!! I TRULY CAN’T STAND IT HERE! I MEAN… I’VE GOT THE TROTS, MISERABLE STOMACH, AND HEAD-ACHES… TOOTH ACHES… BODY ACHES… I’M FALLING APART JUST FROM THE ANXIETIES AND THE FARCE THAT IS VERMONT. MUST GET OUT AND AWAY!!! PLUS VITE!!! OSTIE!
Well, that said, indeed, the right-side tooth aches and sinus pains this evening were almost unbearable! And Jacquie DID offer on of her tranquilisers and some pain meds. I declined. I’m considering getting a bottle of vodka with the cash… but only considering. Smokes are more important at this juncture. – It was confirmed today that the house phone is “out” and too, the micro-cell. B left the WiFi for me, knowing that it’s my only communication. Imagine… I’m on the “good list” now… “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”. Bollocks. – He then made note: The freak’s name is on that house in BTV! That said, he perjured himself in court by claiming that he has no-where else to go! He’s a “property owner”!!! B. pointed that out to his attorney and hopefully they’ll get back into court during the week. If not… Monday coming. Meanwhile, I put him wise to suing the freak for anxieties and such. Seems he’s interested in that. Me? I could probably get a free lawyer at this point… although, in this fucking state. We shall see. – OH! Dinner a t Jacquie’s today was the butternut squash!!! SO DELICIOUS! with chicken and cranberry… Tension Tamer tea after. And I ate SO much SQUASH! MY FAVE!! D’LISH! – Right now, at 21.49 I’m just waiting for the light ginger tea to steep and cool a touch and I am ready to pass out (more like pass ON!!!) and hopefully to sleep a bit tonight. The runs, the pain, the anxieties… it’s all draining me. Tomorrow I’m planning on cleaning the barn, putting the roofing tin in there, just to get it out of the yard since the scrap at Jacquie’s is now gone. Bugger. I’m “planning” on it… I’m rather hoping. After all… it’ll reflect better on me if B&L come back to a cleaner place… I also want to get to the kitchen and clean that up a bit too. The freak might be in here under law… but the place is a mess. I’ve no idea what that shit-bag does in here all day… but just so long as it stays clear of “MY ROOM”! Oh… may this pass soon… and I can get OUT OF and AWAY FROM ALL of this! –

Wed.7.Oct: 0.21 the dogs are running in the hall and I’m going to sleep… my FACE ACHES!!! – 8.20 I turned the alarm off and went right back to sleep again this morning. It’s over-cast. The temperature in the room is a delightful 18° this morning, I am ever so quite warm, and yet, the barn termo reads only 40F. Fever? Me? Enough to keep me and the room warm? Perhaps. I feel awful (again) this morning. The teeth-ache is lingering. Not horrid, but “lingering”. – The freak is in bed, on the phone… WiFi no doubt. My gut wrenches at the very thought of it being “here”. – Well… in a bit, I’ll head out, to the barn. Thinking of putting the roof tin in between the barns instead of in the barn. But one way or another, the back yard will be tidy at this day’s end. – I thought of putting in a wash. But with clouds in the sky… there’s no line-drying. So, it will either be done at Jacquie’s and in the dryer today… or on the week-end. Alas… and… Oh well then. – As I told Jacquie yesterday: It would be rather funny, to die in my sleep in this pit, and have the freak need to attend to the matter. Funny… indeed… Peaceful for me. –
19.46 SHOWERED AND ON THE BED AT LAST! (from notes)
Well! I managed to do things around this dump today. Not MUCH, but things. The roof-tin got sorted and moved out of the yard and away from the “wood-shed”. It’s now stacked between the barns. Hell. I cleared that all out for something. It’s not a thorough-fare, so may as well use it for something. And there it is. There was old wood from some bit of furniture in that space… it’s now literally tossed onto the burning pile (which I was going to sort and re-stack and just didn’t want to be bothered. My little “fence” is gone, destroyed, under all the rubble. I’m NOT going to REpair it. Fuck the 2 who destroyed it. I’m tired. Then, the stack of shutters from behind the house it now IN the barn which meant moving that shelf-thing that was on the porch. Which meant moving other shit in the barn which made space for the swing and picnic table which are now back in the barn for the Winter. The barn is still a bit of a mess (thanks to B. and his infantile disregard), but that probably won’t be an issue… not for me, anyway. I’m tired of that mess too. – I had Dixie and Ellie out with me all morning. – I did see the freak removing some trash of some kind, probably to the trash barrels which I am not taking out nor is it. So that trash will remain there until somebody does something with it. I wonder though, what the trash removal was all about, considering the current situation and the fact that so much just sat there on that porch for 2 years. Hmm…. But, when the freak had done with that, it brought Ellie back into the house. I want that dog to be OUT for a length of time! To pee and shit OUT of the house. Hey! Not my house, not my monkeys, not my circus. That’s the way it will be. – NEXT.. to Jacquie’s at about 14.00. I let Hallie-baby out and I went over to the PO to fetch the “G” mail ONLY. I told Lisa the story of what’s going on over at the pit. She’s a bit shoved that the courts can toss B&L out of THEIR house… and she mentioned that she’s heard that once the home-owner leaves the premises, it can be REALLY difficult to get back in. I’ve no doubt about that… especially in this fuck-hole called “Vermont”. Anyway… the mail is on hold until the 13th. She asked about the freak’s mail and does it know about the hold. I said I believe so. She commented on how I’m in the middle of the shit here. I told her that I’m not, but isn’t it interesting how the people who mind their own business are the very ones whom others try to suck into their misery… (I was including her and the PO here, of course.) – Well… at Jacquie’s, I brought HER window screens to the porch an covered them for the Winter. Then went to the garden and cut ALL of the corn stalks up to the “Silver Queen” which is still producing… and rotting and I don’t give a shit. I put a bit more on the front of her house an got a HUGE bundle for the front yard at the pit. So huge, in fact, that it stands on its own. But I put a stake in the ground just to be certain. It’s looking quite nice out there. May it hold under the weather this year. I carried the bundle up the street from Jacquie’s to the pit… on my shoulder… I felt the right “farmer”. – Back to Jacquie’s to finish the left-over butternut squash and the end-slice of bread with butter… Didn’t even heat the squash… and that’s about all I’ve eaten all day. My stomach is miserable and I don’t have much appetite with all the bull-shit going on round here. – Well, well, well… the fesses-book “Rusty” account has been killed. They got me with another “ID” request. The shits. Honestly! Even as its posted all around the internet, they’ve NO right asking for ID… especially passports, driver’s license, mail… etc. But, there’ll be a new “me” to rise out of this, most certainly. Not that I “need” that fesses-book account… but now it’s a matter of principal… and I’ve got a bucket FULL of those. That little shit who thinks it’s running the show… Zuckerdick, can munch rag for all I care. But I reported the freak’s shit on there… from Iona’s account. I’ve no doubt the account that will go next will be that one. Over-all… I’m really rather pissed. But I can’t help but believe that Zuckershit is in on some kind of contract with the fed with this bull-shit. Honestly… it’s a great time to be “old”… because this country is gone right down the crapper. Hateful world and miserable country. As history proves: empires fall… this one called the us is way past due. Tough shit. Lazy fucking hole. I’m just so tired of it all anyway. – At about 19.00 I was back with Ms. Hallie to get her her dinner and take her out as I had a smoke. – I noticed, on the way into the pit this evening that my little solar lites are lit tonight. They come, they go, they light, they don’t, I don’t truly give a shit one way or another. But I was out of Jacquie’s by about 19.15 or so. Poor Hallie, being alone in there but I just am at the end of my “doing for others” line of late. – I came into the pit, the freak in it’s room with a bright light on. – I went directly to the shower… I NEEDED ONE! As I showered, the freak brought the dogs out to the yard… I noticed the light on out there. Hopefully that shit-bag is still getting then their food! – Me… dinner… a package of Ramen again. My stomach is still a right MESS!!! – I’m almost out of tobacco. SHIT! I’ve got the money for a pack of smokes. I’d rather not use it, but the “found” tobacco, like everything in Creation, is almost at an end. I should be too. Honestly. – But at least it’s warm enough in the room tonight to be almost comfortable… and not with the heater on. It’s the little things in life. Fuck, I’m so fed up with “settling” for the “little things in life”. But it was a rather “warm” day today… at 60F so… – STILL have teeth-ache though. More pain… I should NEVER be with-out pain. – 19.53 I hear the freak talking with the dogs and belching… on the stairs… it’s come back to its roost. This whole situation is making me literally ILL! – Time for me to have my noodles… and I broke down and got jelly donuts and 2 small vanilla Cokes at the store today. Had a Coke at Jacquie’s for “energy of some kind”. I’ll do a bit of browsing.. a distraction from the reality that is this Hell here. I need a new “me” for the soc.med. too. I liked “Rusty”… I’m pissed! Just bitter and hateful… about it ALL… soc.med. and this shit.
THE WORST THING I’VE DONE IN LIFE IS COME TO THIS STATE!!! HANDS DOWN… THE WORST.
23.27 It’s sleepie time! This fucking fucked-up day is DONE… at long last. I’ve accomplished some sort of “good”… for others, as usual. So… fuck the rest and what they think. Opinions… based on nothing but the extend of their rotting little minds. Let them eat shit…

Thu.8.Oct:

7.55 Up from a smoke. 20F on the barn thermo. Teeth aching. Stomach bloated, probably from eating little more than jelly donuts all day yesterday. Sun is shining. And there’s a day ahead. Not to mention, yesterday’s “notes” to fill in. The freak is awake, of course, It does precious little all day but lay in bed. I should make a wash this morning but I think I’d rather use Jacquie’s front-loader for the clothes. I need to get to Bedford today and that too is taking a toll on my guts. ANXIETIES! It’s another day. – This friggin lap-top was connected to the internet over-night. I’m waiting for the ramifications. – 9.58 out. – 15.58 A rather busy and accomplished morning and here I am, with Dixie and Hallie on the kitchen floor at Jacquie’s… feeling like I’ve been run over… tired… hungry… TIRED! I have to get a wash in here at some point… but I doubt it will be today. Setting sights on tomorrow morning… sights… tomorrow. I’m TIRED! And hungry… and I’ll have to settle for the store again… if I don’t get the gumption to get into the car… which I have to do anyway to get coffee and creamer. Ah… but if I make it to Hannaford’s… I can get FOOD and COOK on the week-end. That might be fun. I’ll have to ponder. Right now, I’ve moved the photos of this morning’s work to the lap-top to send as messages to B&L this evening. – I came over to the house this morning, just to drop by and immediately, Jacquie wanted to go clean-out the garden! Again with the “fuck you… you did the work now WE’RE going to EAT!” bull-shit. So I just went back to the pit and there… I managed to put the “Hotel” sign on the front of the barn on the loft door, and put strips over the barn door and the loft door. Nice… cute… cleaner. I did it! Then came back to the house to find that indeed, ALL of the butternut was picked… as were the pie pumpkins. Many of each are gone… to her work or where-ever… oh well. – Meanwhile, I’m going to her lap-top, catch-up with MY affairs and then boogie out of here with m’Dixie. I could use a nap but I need a shower too… wearing the same dirty clothes again. Oh well… tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow… – 20.42 SHOWERED and in bed…again… AT LAST! The day? Well, other than the involvement with/or B&L, it really was rather nice. I managed to do the work I wanted to do, and so, I’ happy with that. What I’m NOT happy with is that I now have B&Ls DVDs in the room. B. showed up at the house whilst I was at Jacquie’s and took the freak some-where. I’m to understand that, again, it was to get B’s association with the freak’s phone cut… and again, the freak refused and B. acquiesced. FUCK! Let’s talk about “Begging for abuse”. WHAT a bunch of shits! When I got back to the house, the doors were locked so I went to the store for cheese and noodles and such… including an ice cream sandwich…. which I didn’t quite get to enjoy because just as I was about to finish, B. showed with the freak and, well… I asked for the Hoover and B. wouldn’t even bother to get it for me (so this room will be swept and the dirt? Into the larder. Fuck them.) He noticed the work done in the back-yard and simply “passed” a “thank you” and took off. THEN I get a text message from HLS telling ME to demand the return of the missing DVDs! Right! FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU! I didn’t respond. THAT was in response to a light photo I’d sent where I super-imposed a hot tub and some palm trees over a photo of the area between the “wood shed” and the house as a (failed) attempt at some levity. As I say… FUCK ALL OF THEM NOW. Lost “your only friend” in this house… and town, as far as I know. I’m not going to confront… it’s not me… I’m just not going to be bothered… – Next text I receive: their attorney tells them that this isn’t the first time an eviction would be ignored and that there’s no guarantee that B&L will be back in the house on the 14th. AH… talk about stupid shits and a fucked-up state here. AND… their property taxes are due on the 15th? Oh yeah… the law can throw a property owner out on the word of a moron… and then expect the property owner to pay the property taxes? I HATE THIS STATE! (and country and society). – OH OH OH MEANWHILE… JACQUIE’S PLANNING ANOTHER ROAD TRIP FOR THE LAST WEEK OF OCTOBER AND THAT MARYROSE THING HAD THE AUDACITY TO SUGGEST THAT *I* GO WITH! I TOLD JACQUIE THAT I HAVE INVESTED TOO MUCH OF MY TIME IN THE DECORATIONS FOR HALLOWEEN FOR THE PIT AND I WILL BE DECORATING ON THAT WEEK AND NO… I WILL NOT BE GOING ANYWHERE (unless it’s to move out of this state). –
***** I *** AM *** BEING *** ABUSED *****
***** N.O.T.!!! *****
FUCK THESE MORONS… THESE IN-BREEDS… THESE RETARDS!!!!
So now… 20.57, a hot tea (green… compliments of the other abuser), a carrot-apple cake muffin (compliments of same) and a bit of browsing and hopefully some sleep. I looked at me in the mirror today: I’m looking rather like I did on that Sunday morning after 6 days of bicycling to work… in the pouring rain. This shit is taking a toll. –

Fri.9.Oct: 0.58 I’ll NEVER wake at 6.30 now! – 7.08 No… not at 6.30… but close enough, and… to rain. Oh well… It’ snot that there’s all that much to be done out-doors. And I did manage to get more laundry soap from the “tap” here. So I’m set to do my wash today… at Jacquie’s, I imagine. Funny, but I prefer the tumble-wash again. Not to mention that I no longer trust Bob and the freak. I still have this gut feeling that there’s something going on with those two. Some sort of “plot”. But, it’s none of my business so long as I’m not dragged into it. – The bundle of corn stalks out front seem to be holding against the rain this morning. So that’s a “good” point… if ever there was one. – My face is still sore though…the teeth-ache or sinus, which ever it is. So it’s a “normal” sort of day: my stomach is churning, my teeth ache, my left neck is stiff and sore, and it’s a regular day. Tahfuckingdah. – Oh… and there’s another piss spot on the floor out-side my door! I’m not going to be bothered with it. Just more pepper is needed. – 7.49 I wonder about the furnace and hot water and heat for when the temperatures drop again, which they will, soon. I wonder about the property taxes being paid on the 15th. I wonder where this is going to leave me… and when. The car needs insurance, registration, inspection, repairs. I need income. And there really is no one to turn to at this juncture. Oh… Death… why do I wake up these mornings? I have to fight to get Peace… just as I’ve had to fight for anything else. – This room stinks! The stench of that piss from Ellie, out-side the door… VILE… PUTRID! I NEED OUT AN AWAY FROM THIS SHIT!!! – 20.148 CLEAN ME! CLEAN CLOTHES! CLEAN BED LINENS! HAIR CUT!!! BEARD TRIMMED!!! TEETH BRUSHED!!! SHABBAT SHALOM!!! – Even the freak bathed today… I believe. – And me? I spent the entire day at Jacquie’s, making my wash, cutting my hair, trimming my beard and goofing-off on the social media. Hell! It rained! Nothing else to do except sit in the room at the pit… NOOOOO! – DID get an interesting text from HLS though. I’ll have to do a copy/paste and include here-in. Something about me always having a roof over-head as long as he’s alive. Right… I’ve not hear THAT before? What-ever. – Meanwhile, indeed, it was a rather restless day at the house, but accomplished, one must say. Not much in the way of eating though. There’s burger in the fridge but I don’t want to hear “Ate me out of house and home.” So I had a bagel with butter, 2 slices bread with veggie cream cheese, a tea, oh, and a little chicken leg in a stale tortilla wrap. Right then… food. Right now I’m having the “cheese snacks”. I was going to have Ramen but decided not. The cheese will do just fine… and then a Whoopie Pie later. – I can’t believe I’m in bed and jammie-sweats already! How wonderful is THAT? – Just remembered… I’ve got to send word to Jacquie. On to the on-line… and more of this later. – 23.22 falling sdlep. Ellie peed so much by my door that it ran IN! The hall’s now covered in pepper
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(802) 488-4247 Oct 9
to me
I am so sick, Jude…
The Hep. B has Not gone into remission and become dormant.They want me to do more blood tests to track the viral load on my system…I told them “not now…if and when I get normalicy back, then I’ll deal with the medical shit.”
Why has Bob been so short a angry to me for the better part of this last year ? I was only partially responsible for land in the hospital…poor diabetes control . Part of the reason I stopped caring was because of his constant anger .
My sensitive soul cannot deal with his snappy, short jabs !
Anyway…Thank you for being here for me !
I cannot express how much I care about you…
Pappy Polar Bear
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(802) 488-4247 1.13 PM (18 hours ago)
to me
I’m currently failing miserably as a compassionate human. ..
My sense of compassion has been jaded and nearly erased .
I find it hard to even be near those left alive that I really care for .
I pray I don’t stay in this place too long !
With your wisdom and insight, maybe I can heal faster.
God had you answer our add for a roommate speciffically for me .
You will always have a home in my home !
Love Ya, Bro. !!!
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Sat.10.Oct: 7.57 Somehow I slept through the 7.00 alarm this morning. Hmm… and waking to the pepper and urine out-side the door… lovely, just lovely. I anticipate some form of confrontation from the freak about it, but I’m not in any mood to deal with that. The pepper is rather obvious, and there’s no way of getting it up since the Hoover is locked away. Imagine, locking-up the Hoover. Oh well… part of residing in a “Community Home”. – But the sun is shining this morning and I need to find something to occupy the day. – Feeling rather like shit this morning. A rock in the pit of my gut. Poor diet of late, coupled with the anxieties of income and being here. One of these days… I just won’t wake up. – 10.21 At 5199 (Jacquie’s) and Ms.Hallie has had breakfast with 3 eggs, scrambled and I decided to scramble 2 more for m’Dixie’s lunch. I’m passing time here, waiting for the coffee-water to boil. Why? I don’t know, really. I’ve nothing on my “agenda” for the day, planning on having another Shabbat to myself today. The sun is shining, but not enough to provide any particular warmth. But at least it’s not raining again. – I note: ONE little “diode” or something on the screen for this lap-top has burnt out. There’s a tiny black dot ever-present. Alas… the lap-top is dying. I wish I were.. and hope that I do so before this does. – Anyway, I’m in no mood for all of this bull-shit this morning… tending other people’s pets, smelling like “dog” and the likes. Just as I got here this morning, I heard m’Dixie in the back yard. At least the freak has taken them out to pee and shit. Although, that fucking spaniel will, more than likely, wait until she gets back into the house. At least the carpet by my door is loaded with white pepper. Hopefully that will deter… at the very least. No doubt there will be some kind of mention, if not repercussions. I don’t give a shit at this juncture. I’m truly fed-the-fuck up with it all… ALL!!! Including but not limited to the evening “reports” that are expected from Jacquie. Well… as the adage expresses: “Givers must draw a line because Takers seldom, if ever do.” MY lines are drawn. Fukkemall! – Nice way to start a day. Eh? – 13.20 and in the room… this was supposed to be Shabbat… peace. But not in this state. Not in this town. Not in this house. – Just noting: the freak has returned with what I’m imagining is “family”. And considering the events of this morning, I expect nothing good to come of this. The more I mind my own affairs, the more the rest of them try to suck me into bull-shit and I’m at the very end of my tether and patience. Truly. Done. – B&L dropped by Jacquie’s this morning to get their mail. They parked in the back drive, B. came to the door and I went out to talk with them. Then I came to the pit to get their mail and brought Dixie back with me. It was heart-breaking. B&L were delighted to see Dixie as she was to see them. How horrid that the dogs should suffer because of the stupidity of people. (And now the fucking dogs are howling!!!! Wits’ end!) Well, we chatted a bit and they were off on their way. Shortly there-after, I got a message from the library… “For Colored Girls…” was in so I trotted over to get that and chat with Kathleen for a few moments. She mentioned some “Hoedown” tonight and asked if I’d be there. I made no commitments, of course but remembered Jacquie having said something about attending. So, when I got back to the house, I sent a text message asking if she’d be attending and I received:

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Yes I should be home by 6:30. Where r u now. I got a call from upstairs they saw Lyle on the grounds and worried becauce of past experiences. Let me know hope u can come to hoedown.
802) 309-9499•12:27 PMvia Google Voice
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My reply:
Bob and Lyle came to get their mail. Unfortunately, under the circumstances, they do their best to keep life together with the time they have, considering the methods in which law is manipulated in this state. If it presents a problem that I’m here watching Hallie I’ll remedy that promptly. Just advise. I most certainly do not need this added annoyance and aggravation and will tolerate no more of it.

I don’t attend functions in this town so I won’t be attending this one.

Am just wrapping things up with Ms. Hallie and will be leaving the premises with-in the next 5 minutes. Surely that will bring great comfort to the surveillance personnel.
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13.22 The freak’s family car just left. I DO believe the Mexishit is back. Gee… imagine that! I suppose I could, considering that document from HLS, see to it that the dog is removed. But… let’s see where THIS shit gets me… no good, no doubt. Wits’ end. I NEED to get the actual fuck OUT of here! – Anyway… I’ve truly had more than patience will allow with being dragged into other peoples’ troubles in this state. THIS WAS, UNDOUBETEDLY, THE WORSE MOVE I’VE EVER MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE-TIME!!! VERMONT… WHAT A CESSPOOL OF BRAINLESSNESS!!! – Well… for now… – At least the few dishes in the sink here, at the pit, are washed. I did those when I got back in. (And then I had to go BACK to Jacquie’s because, in my state, I’d left my ground coffee over there! Jeezus Kriste! – 17.36 I’m just back from the store where I got a bag of cheese, a bag of crisps and a package of chco-grahams and the freak was there, waiting for a pizza! Me? I didn’t want him to see me use mu FS card (but I’m sure that Jada made sure to mention it after I left… I TRUST NO-ONE IN THIS TOWN!!!!! NOT ONE! Anyway… that was my meal tonight… the cheese in the Ramen. With the shit next door I’d think this will be back to that. Anyway, indeed the Mexishit it back in the house. But she’s lost weight! It was really rather sad to see her so thin. I mean, her nastiness isn’t completely her fault. That shit-bag freak is responsible. But… I stopped to “chat” and stroke her to make her feel more at ease. I noticed her bowls aren’t in the kitchen though. I wonder if she’s being fed in the room! We’ll all find out soon enough. – 23.30 And so we bring another day to a close… a day spent in the room, on-line, listening to A Prairie Home Companion and chatting with Felix on fesses-book.- I don’t know whether Dixie and Ellie have been fed since breakfast but at least with Dixie I know she’s had 2 scrambled eggs and her breakfast today. – I sent a bit of a report and a link for the details, to HLS via text. It shows that the freak is, indeed, part owner of 45 Convent Sq. in the Old North End! And I got a little message of thanks for the great research. Oh, they should only know. – Anyway, I’m tired. One smoke in the Camel pack and 3 sheets to roll. Oh… B. thinks the crunch on the car was the brake seizing because it’s not being run so… it’s a shame I don’t have enough in the account for a pack of smokes. But perhaps Tuesday… ‘ll try. – My teeth are beginning to ache again. Time for a last smoke… probably the Camel, and then try for a nap. If the weather is nice tomorrow, I’d like to get out of the house. – Only a rather stupid reply to my message to Jacquie so I don’t believe I’ll be going over there… Let her tenants handle it all. – 23.41 and there’s some kind of “vibrating noise”, like a mobile on “vibrate”… I’ve noticed is many times before but now I wonder what it is….

Sun.11.Oct:

8.39 And yes, I over-slept again… AGAIN!!!! BUT… AT ABOUT 3.30 THIS MORNING, I WOKE IN A DRENCHING SWEAT! PILLOW. BLANKETS. SOAKED! I wonder what THAT was all about. Well… and this cloudy morning, the pit is quiet. The freak is asleep, across the hall, wit the THREE dogs on the bed. It’s a bit warmer (40F) than the past few days. I’m in need of provisions from the Hannaford’s. And… another morning of… anxieties… because I’m here. – 11.14 I don’t believe how some people CANNOT leave bad enough alone! Jacquie just came by to ask if I wanted to go to St. Anne’s Shrine with her and Hallie! NO! Why? So *I* can take MORE responsibility for the dog? I think not. And to invite me to Jes and Kerry’s this evening. No. But I said it depended on how this day turns along. Leave it at that. Why? To be dragged into MORE of THEIR inciting and antagonising? I should think not! – Meanwhile, out of no-where, my entire back is in spasm. This shit needs to GO! Anxieties and aggravation. That’s all it really is. I do NOT need this shit! I do NOT! – 18.40 SHOWERED! IN BED! NOTHING TO EAT ALL DAY. NOTHING TO EAT TONIGHT. NOTHING… TO EAT. OH WELL. BUT… I GOT THAT PILE OF LUMBER AND WOOD RE-STACKED! POOR BOBO AND FREAK! ALL THAT EFFORT PUT INTO DESTROYING THE NEAT WOOD PILE THAT I’D DONE AND THE LITTLE “FENCE” AND I’VE PUT IT BACK TO A NEAT PILE AGAIN!!! WELL!!!! POOR BOBO! SOON, HE’LL HAVE TO DESTROY IT AGAIN… ALONE. POOR FAGGOT. OH WELL. It took all of the afternoon. But I had m’Dixie with me and I played my country music and we had at it. She doesn’t seem to be feeling well though this evening. Yellowish, almost mucous stool just before coming back into the house about an hour ago. Kriste! I hope she’s not ill! I couldn’t take THAT with everything else! – JUST as I’d come out of the shower, about 20 minutes ago, the fucking barking and howling. Jacquie stopped by to fetch me to go to dinner up the road at Jes and Kerry’s. I told her that I was tired and going to bed. “Oh?” Yes… I’d worked all day, putting the wood-pile back. “Oh. Poor you.” Fuck the fuck off! Really. Not “poor me”… poor YOU! Then she asked if she could leave Hallie home tomorrow. She’ll be leaving round 8.00, will give her breakfast but won’t be back until about 20.00. Something about getting a new door for the house on the Square rd. As if… and then the boo-hoo about André charging her to install it AND time coming “all the way from Enosburgh”! Bloody fuck yourselves. I, being the moron, implied that I’d help with it. Yeah… but certainly not for free anymore. If that Viens turd can charge for everything… So, she left saying “If I don’t see you tomorrow, come on over Tuesday.” I said that it depended on what happens tomorrow. “Are they going to court?” “It’s almost the 15th and he’ll be out.” I told her it depends… there’s no guarantee. Then I told her that I’m sick to death of being sucked into everybody’s situations and that they can all shove them up their colons. I’m fed right the hell up with minding my own business and being sucked and dragged into every-body else’s situations… truly fed up. I’ve had enough. And then, all was *dismissed* as she went on her merry way up the road. Still doesn’t get it. Honestly. One has to draw pictures for these retards. – Anyway, I’m in my seat-jammies… grey top though after this morning’s horrendous sweat. And I’m going to get the pictures off the phone so I can send one to HLS and put the others on with this journal which I should do today because we’re at page 13 on the “doc”. – Yes, I’m a bit hungry. Yes, I’m terribly tired. Yes, I see me under the blankies ever so shortly. And NO, I do NOT see me at court tomorrow. BUT… at least the freak will have to be out of the house… and *I WILL BE ALONE WITH THE MEXISHIT!!!! AND THERE HAD BETTER BE SILENCE ALL THE DAY LONG… OR ELSE!*

Mon.12.Oct: 0.58 Well… nothing to eat all day yesterday. I did find one choco-graham though. And I don’t believe I’m still awake. Tired. Exhausted. But for some reason I don’t want to put the light out and go to sleep. This is not good… not at all. There’s much I should do… post this on-line… and now RE-WORD “Bitter-sweet Bitterness” for PDF! Felix put me wise by sending me his 3 PDF books which are FANTASTIC! So much I could do with the book now! I MUST get my shit together. And TODAY… THANKSGIVING, would be perfect. (I just thought: dinner invitation yesterday… probably Thanksgiving. Oh well… I don’t attend “functions”. Better to starve.) – Today is another “court” day for the 3 buffoons. Hopefully it will all be settled and this house can return to “normal”. Shit… with all the work I put in yesterday… HLS realises that the one who DOES around here is me… and me… I realise that for the work I get “room only”. So… we shall see where it all goes. – For now… I’m leaving the light on and getting under the covers. There’s a 6.30 and a 7.00 alarm set. Let’s see which one gets me out of bed! – 7.54 I do NOT know WHY I’m awake at this hour. I heard the 2 alarms and dozed, deeply enough to dream:
DREAM
Walking along a rough street, in a market place of some kind, with Liz(?) when a group of elderly women passed us, walking in the opposite direction. I heard them talking and recognised the voices. So I said “I know those women. I haven’t seen them I YEARS! Wait a minute. I have to go over and talk with them.” I turned and headed toward them. One woman walked out of the group and ahead, but I caught up with 4 (of the 5) of them and called out “Entschuldigen sie mir, bitte!” One women turned and looked at me and they stopped. “Didn’t you used to go to Orchard Beach, under the tree, out on the rocks?” One said, hesitantly, “Yes.” “Oh! I thought I recognised you! It’s been such a long time! I too, used to go to the same place!” One woman smiled and said “Oh yes. It HAS been a long time. How long do you suppose now? 7 years?” “Oh, MUCH longer than that. The last time I was there was the very first time it ever actually flooded up to the board-walk.” “Has it been THAT long?” she asked. “Yes, it has. Time’s gone by really quick.” I said, as I tried to recall the year. In the dream, it had been MANY years, but I couldn’t quite figure out how many… but I knew I had been a VERY long time. “I KNEW I reconised you. At least her.” And I pointed to the woman who’d walked ahead of them. “And YOU!” I pointed to one of the other 3 who were busy talking amongst themselves, happily. I started to choke with emotion and felt the tears welling in my eyes. It was SO WONDERFUL seeing them again… and they hadn’t aged at all. “You used to listen to the German station from Westchester, on your radio.” I said. “Yes! Yes! That was us.” said the one with whom I was speaking.
And I drifted out of sleep… but continued to doze thinking, in my half-wake state, Valentine Avenue, Decatur… 1980’s… 81? 85? And semi-calculating the time between this morning’s date and back then. (1981 would be 35 years… not that that’s the correct year, but… this morning, 35 years later… I suddenly thought of those days.)
Well, I did get up, have my coffee and headed down for a smoke. The freak is up, dressed, standing directly in the hall-way at the bottom of the stairs so Dixie and I had to walk round, through the parlour and kitchen to get out to the back door. No trouble… best to avoid. It’s a holiday today, but the courts are open and that’s where the freak is heading… The Mexishit (Chica) parked on the stairs with Ellie. It appears the freak is planning on returning to the house here after court this morning. The very thought sickens me to no end! HOW? HOW does the likes of THAT manage to manipulate the courts and the law, to remain in this house, having thrown a senior, and home-owner out? It makes NO sense to me! Legally is makes no sense. Logically it makes no sense. Never mind ethically… because I’ve come to the realisation that there are NO ethic any longer… not in this world these days… NO ethics at all!!! Repulsive! – Well… I’ll be in the house alone this morning. I wish I could get back to sleep. I could use that. But I’m going to HAVE to figure out something for food today! I’m back to that. I could, were I so inclined, go to Jacquie’s and rummage. But I don’t feel comfortable with that any longer. And yesterday, there was a comment made about the large bundle of corn-stalks on the front lawn. Reference to me having them and how large the bundle is, as if I’d taken something to which I have no right. I keep thinking:
I SEEDED, FEEDED AND WEEDED
BUT
I VERY SELDOM EATED
(I want to paint a bit of a sign with that on it. I don’t know where I’d put such a sign, but I’d like to make one, none-the-less.)
Well, I WANT TO GET THE BOOK RE-WRITTEN THESE DAYS AND TRY TO GET IT OUT THERE IN PDF! Felix is selling his French lessons at 10$CAD per at 59 pages. I should be able to sell the book for considerably more, but even at 10$US I’d be rather happy. I want to “abridge”… perhaps even make it more “narrative”, cleaner language, something for a broader audience. It’s going to be A LOT of work… but.. it’s something that truly should be done. I’ll have to re-title, make a new cover… AND this time, put in the illustrations… I’ll charge more for it that way, I believe. But there’s WORK to be done on it… and I MUST! – There’s the library book, due back on the 3 Nov. “For Colored Girls” etc. AND 2 more of Felix’s lessons to review. He gave them to me for free… I owe him a review and commentary at the very least. I truly feel SO honoured that he would do this for me. – It’s supposed to be a very warm day today too. And this morning, the sun is shining. – Oh, and I MUST get all of this journal on-line today as well. – Then… to try to get to the market… in the Subaru. Bobo says the brakes probably seized from non-use. Getting it out on the road might help… and I have to keep it in “running” order… In a matter of weeks I have insurance and registration… repairs and inspection… again! – Time to WORK or time to DIE… I know which one I prefer but… I never get my preference so… may as well get to work. – I should get to Hallie during the day too. No sense in HER suffering because of the stupidity of… “people”. – 8.25 The house is quiet. I imagine the freak is gone. And the internet connection isn’t coming up (again). Ah… here we go… to get this on-line this morning. – 18.11 ON THE BED AND SHOWERED AND RE-DRESSED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE RECLINED… AND CLEAN! – The news of the day? Not much. It was a rather “lazy” holiday… Holiday… Bright, clear, sunny, warm. A perfect day for a holiday. I went to the store for a box of rice cereal and chocolate milk jut to have something to eat. Nice “Thanksgiving” meal, that. – I was SO looking forward to good news of return from B&L! – I busied me for the morning, which is about all I can say for it because I really am not in a mood for doing much at all. The “strings” on the hanging dummy (Halloween decoration from year one here) are now “red”. I’d wanted to do that all along but never had the means. So I used the acrylic paint from Cecil. Not bad. Not what I’d hoped for, but not bad. – Managed to get Hallie out from 14.00-15.00, but I didn’t bother to go into the house. There was an envelope on the table… perhaps with “a little something” in it. But you know? It’s not about that. People belive that throwing money on a problem fixes it. It doesn’t. Whilst out with Hallie, somebody came to the brats up-stairs at Jacquie’s. So there are witnesses to the fact that she was out. Still, I wouldn’t go INTO the house… I don’t feel “comfortable” there any longer. This nonsense about that phone call from Kailah about L. being there. Honestly. The fucking shit-bag brats. Make me sick. And all I keep thinking: It’s done! That ship has sailed. It happened. It’s done and gone… But these morons in this state just cannot and will not let shit go! They INSIST upon keeping SHIT alive. Nothing… worthless lives. A damned shame. Oh well… I said I was walking away from the garden… and I did. I’m walking away from being that “friend” now. You want to keep sucking me into your troubles? I’ll put enough distance between so that you can’t. My own situation is more than bad enough. I can only distance myself from this shit to a point, and that point isn’t quite far enough for comfort. But I will NOT be sucked into anybody else’s. I will NOT. – So the day goes along, I’ve got m’Dixie in the yard and as I’m heaidng for the store… the freak is in the yard! I went to the store, got my things and went back to the barn where I managed a connection on the lap-top and a text message session with HLS. – THE FUCKING JUDGE STAYED THE RESTRAINING ORDER UNTIL THE 21ST! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? (THIS EVENING I LEARNT THAT THEY DIDN’T EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO PRESENT… THE JUDGE JUST THREW A CONTINUANCE AT THEM AND TOSSED THEM OUT. Honestly? I do NOT understand HOW just miscarriages of justice can be allowed to continue as they do up and out here in the boonies. Not that this shit doesn’t happen in NYC, but it all happens more frequently out here. It’s a fucking FARCE!!!) – Well then, I was hungry, came back up to the room to eat and soc.med. and then back out to stay out of the house as much as possible. – By about 16.30 I was ready to come back in and settle for the day. Tired, mostly from the emotional turmoil that is this place. It’s draining me! This pit, no job, the car, Jacquie and her bull-shit… it’s all too much. Exhausting!!!! – Came in, put me “together”, as it were, and headed to the shower. I’m at the point where. I have a document giving me permission to run this house as *I* see fit and I’m about to use that privilege to MY comfort… SHOWER! – And so I did… shower… quite nicely in fact. Hell… any increase in utility use can now be chalked-up to the freak… as “retaliation”. I no longer give a fuck. Although I wonder: on the 15th, the taxes are due. There must be other bills that are to be paid. I DO feel terrible about B&L having to maintain utilities and such that the COURTS are PROHIBITING them from enjoying… “Peaceful Enjoyment”… SHIT! THEY don’t get it in their own home… and ME? MINE is certainly being violated… especially with that fucking chee-hoo-wahwah yipping bull-shit! And now I have to put up with THAT AND the PEE in the hallway until at least the 21st? SOMETHING HAS TO GO OR DIE! – OK. I’m digressing all over the place here. Nerves are shot to hell – So… the shower done, I put on some clothes, since it really was too early to get into jammies, and plopped on the bed… to eat donuts and browse. – As the evening progressed, I did what I do… INVESTIGATE into the laws and such in this shit-heap state. Looked into the courts, the judges, the protocol… especially the bit about a tenant removing their possessions from a property. In NYC that would be considered “abandonment”… apparently not here. I researched the judges, as I say. What a bunch of clowns. Seems “judges” in this state are, for the most part… HORRIFIC LIBERALS! And, as the world is coming to learn, Liberals live by their own set of rules and laws… “Bleeding Hearts” and boo-hoo for the “under-dog”. Right. I USED to be like that… and then I grew up and matured and paid attention to the “realities” of this world. NOT SO in VT! So there were text messages back and forth with L. most of and into the late hours of the night. I don’t know HOW the judges manage to do so, but WOW, can they ever dodge justice. But I’m tossing ideas at L. to toss at their attorney. Maybe if they attorney sees that they have the equivalent of a “para-legal”… I don’t know… I’ll probably eat more than my share of shit because of it. That’s the way MY life goes… normally. “Road to Hell” and all that. – And so… with the fesses-book, the text messages and the research… the night went along into the next morning at mid-night… – Oh… one thing: THE FUCKING HALL IS NOW FULL OF THE STENCH OF THAT FUCKING DOG PEEING ON THE CARPET AND THE CARPET IS FILTHY BETWEEN THE PEE AND THE WHITE PEPPER! IT’S SO BAD THAT THE STENCH IS PERMEATING THROUGH MY DAMNED DOOR! THANKFULLY IT’S STILL WARMISH WEATHER: I HAD TO PUT THE FAN BACK INTO THE OPEN WINDOW TO PULL IN FRESH AIR AND PUSH THE STENCH BACK OUT THROUGH THE CLOSED DOOR! THIS IS MAKING ME ILL! I DON’T KNOW HOW THE FUCK THAT FREAK CAN STAND IT… But that just goes to prove what a slob that thing truly is. – One point in closing today: Seems the freak went into courts some time ago and told them that 2 fellows “raped” him… something about typing him with bed-sheets. The courts found out that it was a lie. Perjury! On record. And the courts in Fuklin county don’t take that into consideration? Honestly… in-breeding! NOT GOOD… especially when the in-breeding is taking place amongst Liberals!

Tue.13.Oct: 0.12 so tired now not even a last smoke! – 8.37 Clothes in the washer. Slept through the alarm again this morning. No wonder. AND… slept with the fan on, in the window all night, to keep the stench of the pee in the hall-way out of the room. This is becoming a health hazard. AND, at this juncture, it seems I’ll have to get the Hoover from Jacquie’ s to clean that hall rug! FUCK! THIS has GOT to STOP and GO AWAY! – Well, the week-end is done and the holidays are done and I need to get busy on converting the book to PDF this week! MUST. Income. I don’t know how I’ll get the money, but… we’ll do what we must. – Also have to catch-up on yesterday. I was lazy in that respect. – 9.10 AND… this cloudy, cloudy morning is officially under-weigh. FUCK ME! – 16.38 HOOVERED!!!! And having rice cereal with the remaining creamer and sugar and water. Bob was here. Told the freak that he was told that the dog is not to be in the house! The freak said something back and Bob said that he’d been told before, that he DID remove the dog and brought it back. I was quite surprised… Bob was quite firm! Hmmm…. -17.50 Jacquie just showed up out-side. Lyle is on his phone out-side the hotel, calling her to ask her to come here to get me to call him! She says he’s talking about “taking his pills” (again). Well… she offered to let me use her phone to call. AND… when I just sent a text to him, explaining that I don’t want to talk from the house because the freak is here and can hear and will probably twist things into more to use against them… “You won’t see me tomorrow. This is the end.” He’s using suicide threats on ME? HAHAHAH! More like “Prove Your Friendship”. He’s dealing with the Pro. And me? I will NOT! Especially after the nasty demanding text messages, such as the one I received shortly after Bob left here today “GET THAT FUCKING DOG OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!!!” Fuck YOU! Shacked-up in a hotel!? When *I* needed somebody before I went into the Shelter… NOBODY came to offer ME a hotel room… NOBODY even offered ME a corner of a basement. And when somebody HAD given me a corner of a basement, SHE took EVERYTHING I had and lost (or sold) it! And YOU think I’m going to “prove” anything? Oh yeah… right…. NOT! – I’m going to mosey over to Jacquie’s to some-what explain and HOPE that this DOES end with this bullshit. I mean, Jacquie’s taking sympathy… but enough is enough!!! Throwing shit at ME? Demanding texts? Suicide? Not really… No… I’m not stupid… Compassionate and perhaps empathetic… but certainly NOT to be abused and most certainly not stupid! – Now I’m exhausted and disgusted. – 21.30 In bed. Dinner of a small portion of Jacquie’s home-made chicken pot pie. Quite delish! A beer. Tea. Talk. A few hours away from the pit and the freak and a bit of the closest thing to sanity that can be found in this state. – The room is CLEAN(ish), but there’s a bit of an odour of dog. But the Hoovering of the hall has helped… a little bit. – I got a few paragraphs of the book done today. MUST keep on that! And I’m NOT going to check my “text messages” tonight… I might not check them tomorrow either. But if I do, it will be for the PO ONLY! I’m done with this shit. Truly done. If they want ME gone… fine. But if I make ANY move toward doing something that is perceived as cause for a restraining order against ME… THEY have NOBODY in this house except the freak… Good luck with THAT! – So… the gate is across the door, I’m off to some browsing. Green tea steeping. I MUST get to the market tomorrow!!!! Café botz tomorrow morning. –

Wed.14.Oct: 0.30 lights out at last!!! And LATE AGAIN! – 9.29 I woke with the 6.30 and then with the 7.00 and as I half-dozed it moved along to 8.30 and I FINALLY got my arse out of bed… tossed a bit of hot water into the café botz I’d started before going to sleep. – Over-cast again this morning and it’s bugging me. But… I’ve got GOT to get at least another 10 pages done on the book today and I’m not even sure if I’m working on the published version. I’ve checked the “thumb-drives” already. There’s shit on those that I just don’t have the emotional stamina to look at. Imagine… it’s like going through a closet or attic or a box to souvenirs… and it’s just as painful looking at files and notes and images… remembering. “Digital doo-dads”. They don’t have that “smell” that “things” get when they’re put into boxes and forgotten. But the impact is just about the same. Well… more incentive to work the book and get it out there!!! – I HAVE to get into the market today. Hopefully the car WILL make the round trip… with-out difficulties. I can only try… and hope. And if not? I can only walk. – 14.44 After realy working on the re-write for the better part of the day and having taken only one, 20-minute “nap”, I’m on page 30 of 606 pages! Essentially, chapter I is re-written, the Callahan Decree has been “cleaned” and I’m at the intro to the “Monogram” and “Black Book” journals. NOW comes the difficult bit… to turn the Journals into a general read… and “clean it” for a general audience. THIS is going to be the tough part… especially considering the situation around this pit. – Speaking of which… it appears that Chica is again, gone. It grieves me SO to think of her being so brutally abused, tossed from place to place. I mean: IF that freak has ANY love for that little creature, it would be better to be where she IS welcome, to be WITH her instead of being SO UTTERLY selfish, evil and belligerent as to toss her about, from place to place. She can’t understand what’s going on and that shit-bag takes NO responsibility at all! Fuck! If there is a “God”, may the horrors be addresses swiftly and with the utmost justice. If there is no “God” and there is a “Karma”… may the same apply. Standing on the back porch, having a smoke I felt as I’ve posted to my fesses-book page:
Have you ever found yourself surrounded by so much intense ignorant and arrogant brutality of which you are no part, that you actually feel your soul being compressed with such intensity that your very being trembles in pain?

This is my misery! I’m re-reading and re-writing my own experiences of “Homelessness” and here, this unwitting little creature, this little dog, is being abused… in a similar manner. OH! Let’s add to that: D.Lane from fesses-book sends me a message just now: Please call me. I need a friend. – RIGHT! I’ve got HLS here in town pulling the “I need a friend” bull-shit… now that one in Texas with FIVE fucking houses!!!! Honestly? Really? YOU need a friend? And with “SNOW” in the forecast for Sunday… gee… I wonder where *I* will be then… and how many “friends” *I* will have… from what I see at present… I’m sitting here alone… – Well… I promised that I’d try to get to the market at 15.00 and it’s 6 minutes away… time to head out… Hopefully I won’t be walking in the cold winds and the light rains. But… “friends”… indeed. – 22.18 Page 30 of… 606! The more I edit and re-write, the longer this book is becoming! It’s turning into a hard-cover novel! 10$ is rapidly becoming 15$ and more! But what the hey! Hey? – MADE IT TO THE MARKET! JACQUIE DROVE! COFFEE! TEA! CREAMER! COOKIES! NORAMLCY! AND PEACHES TOO! (They didn’t have mangoes… of course. Oh well.) – LAMB CHOPS, BUTTER-CUP SQUASH (OH SO DELISH!) AND BASMATI RICE AND APPLE PIE! FOOD! DINNER! SIT-DOWN, HUMAN DINNER! AMAZING DAY! – Text from HLS to get the doggie treats from the cupboard so that the freak can’t be giving them to Chica. So… and I’m to understand that this suicide thing has been since child-hood. Well… preach to the choir… no sypathy here. – But right now… a bit of peppermint tea and browse and hopefully to sleep tonight! YAY! (Please?) – Addendum on Thursday morning: I got an e-mail from the PO today. ANOTHER fucking background check! Honestly, they’re incompetent. And I’m probably looking at ANOTHER fucking “drug test”… in Plattsburgh! I wouldn’t mind if it was for a job in Rouses Point. But for St.FuckingAlbans? Seriously… I JUST went through this shit! One district has NO idea what the other one has done. INCOMPETENT! But… they still claim they’re so fucking perfect. It’s the government. It’s this cunt-tree. OH well… the hard times… It’s not that “they are here”… they’ve never been any-where else.

Thu.15.Oct: 0.36 OMFG! My teeth ACHE! Right side, top and bottom! PAINFUL! – Trying for sleep now. – 7.59 14° in the room. Frost on the back lawn. Out of smokes. But I had a HOT coffee! Bustello! OK! – My head fels as if it should be removed. As if it’s a tumour sitting on my neck. And my neck is sore. But my right sinus is clear… after many “snorts and sniffles” to clear it. My teeth still hurt. But they’re better than when I tried to get to sleep last night. Pain. Just so much pain this sunny, clear, miserable morning. I wonder what’s wrong… but I don’t wonder enough to take me to where I could find out. They probably wouldn’t find anything anyway. With all the pains I’ve ever had… they never could. – On to the book this morning. That must be done. –
16.36 I got back into the pit at about 15.30… settled in to work more on the book. The freak is out some-where. I made a coffee, put the little heater on to take the chill away and the dogs barked. A tap on the door. Bob. He’d come for the mail and such. No trouble. He was in and out but asked if I wanted to talk with Lyle… who was in the car… at JACQUIE’S! OK… so I calmly told Bob, as we walked over to Jacquie’s, about the message she’d sent about Lyle and the fucktards. WELL! We no sooner got to Jacquie’s and there was Hallie, out in the yard, Lyle in the car… and fist words out of him had to do with Michael coming down and telling him (Lyle) that he wasn’t to be on the property and to call Jacquie to confirm and threatening to call the police. Oh well… oh well… oh well!!! I simply said “At the rate things are going around here, don’t be surprised if I’m gone by the time you get back.” He said he doesn’t want to come back to Fuklin but “don’t leave before we get back in.” I said “I make no promises any more.” And his reply was “FUCK YOU!” I quietly said “I have to time for this.” and simply walked away as Bob yelled “LYLE!” – What the fuck? I DO DO DO NEED NEED NEED to get the FUCK OUT of this STATE! There’s truly something terribly wrong with these people. It hasn’t infected me… yet. But I’m now fearing for my own mental health! They’re fucking idiots! – The temptation to address this is great. But I’ve ranted and vented on 2 fesses-book accounts and here. Hopefully… just hopefully. – I left Jacquie’s and Hallie was in the yard. In a couple of hours I have to get Hallie her dinner. Well… I’m expected all sorts of nasty messages to come in and all I will say is: Goodness! Somebody let Hallie out of the house and left her in the yard? How irresponsible… of them! I have a 5-year release to send to the PO this evening. It will go when Hallie gets dinner… Hallie will get dinner and time out of the house… and I? I was thinking about getting started washing the kitchen ceiling for Jacquie (at 15$/hr). Again… I don’t want to be IN that house! There’s no telling WHAT kind of bullshit they’ll start against ME! And these 4 years here have proven to me: I WILL be implicated in something… some-how. Now I need documentation proving that I have some “legal right” to be on Jacquie’s premises! FUCK THIS! And Lyle? FUCK YOU! YOU just lost the ONLY “friend” you had left on Earth, to my knowledge… I’m not your enemy… I’m just not your “friend”. – 23.52 It’s POURING!!!! and I’m at page 60 of 612 with the editing and re-write!!!! – (Fri. at 0.07) So it turned out that NOT responding to today’s fracas has paid well. It seems that the events have put themselves where they belong, again, only for now. So long as those shit-bags are in residence at Jacquie’s, NONE of this will EVER settle. But for now… for now. I suppose the best way to sum up this day is to copy the text messages of this evening. I’d gone over to give Ms. Hallie her dinner and whilst there I FAXED MY 5-YEAR BACKGROUND CHECK FORM TO THE PO. (Fucking morons that they are.) And I had half of the left-over chicken pot pie that was in the fridge. I was semi-hungry, but the thought of food makes me ill of late. Especially since I no longer feel comfortable in that house… alone… knowing that there’s inside access from the flat up-stairs into the house and that any of the brats up-stairs could show in the house at any time. Still, I HAD to eat something… for what-ever reason. And so I did. And then I put some “maple walnut” creme cheese on 2 slices of bread for dessert. BFD. By about 19.45 I left, and came back to the pit to check soc.med., e-mails, messages. And so it began to end. The messages are:

Dear Jude…
I’m so sorry I lost it with you this afternoon!
I am at the breaking point and am wearing my raw feelings on my sleeve. I have nearly destroyed my marriage and Penny yells and hollers at me with no provocation. I have no one I can talk with, trust, or feel is supporting me thru this fucking mess .
All I could think of was Mom’s home under the total control of that frigging louse ! My head went into freak out mode and I fired a round at you ! I’m So sorry I added you to the whipping boy list !
On top of Jacquie’ s two faced, turn coat stance, you leaving was a shove to the breaking point once again .
I will not bother you anymore… just know I cherish the friendship and relationship we’ve had .
I really don’t want you to even think about leaving…I love you more than a brother …honestly. more than my sister .
(802) 488-4247 • Thu, 7:44 PMvia Google Voice

Lyle Lyle Lyle…
Please believe me when I tell you: Don’t worry about today. Don’t think about today. I wish I could tell you just how much I DO know and understand how you’re feeling right now. Believe me when I say “I DO understand”. Including Jacquie, who might be a charming lady, but proves more and more that she’s not to be trusted when it comes to alliances. You just always know that this is YOUR house and home and it’s an honour and a great privilege to be so trusted here. I would NEVER let that shit-bag take advantage of it! Hey! Daisy’s flowers are doing very well… her garden in the back is a place to sit in the quiet. And it’s been a privilege for me to do what little I can to keep that much alive and well on her old home-stead. Things are tough right now. Stress is outrageous. But you are safe, sheltered against the night, sheltered against the elements of these Autumn days. THAT is important. And when this is over and done, one day (believe it or not) you and Bob can sit in the parlour, warm fire in the stove, and say silly things like “Remember those two nut cases?” and you’ll laugh. Believe me… you will. That freak is not and will never be in control of this house. You take my word for that. OK?And as for today? I’ve already made it quite clear: IF EVER the shit from 5199 Main St. comes rolling up the road, I will make it my assigned duty to let EVERYBODY know: Those miserable little shit-bag tenants of Ms. Jacquie’s are antagonists, instigators and confrontationalists. I’ve already told Jacquie so much. I’ll be sure to be letting the rest of the town know as soon and as often as possible.
So you stop your fretting. Keep yourelf up to snuff and par because YOU WILL NOT LET THAT BURLINGTON FREAK WIN THIS BULLSHIT! *WE* WILL NOT LET THAT FUCKING FREAK WIN! So YOU keep your strength and wits because all together, we’re going to make things change… permanently! You keep that in your heart. It was good seeing you today. And yes… “nice hat”! I’ll have to get some yarn and a pattern and start making touques! Hahaha. Eh? Get some sleep. I’m on my way to do just that. Sleep well. Have “VICTORIOUS” dreams. (Not to be confused with “Victoria’s Secret” dreams… to be clear on that point.)
Thu, 8:10PM via Google Voice

I sent Ms. Luce a short note…I’ll try to forward it.
I will respect your decision to no longer be friends…I will never come back on your property and I request you not come to our house looking for Jude or any other reason.
(802) 488-4247 • Thu, 8:13 PMvia Google Voice

Perfect. Very to-the-point and not at all insulting or anything. She’s not sent me any word about today so… it’s her loss all told. Bravo to you.
Thu, 8:15 PMvia Google Voice

Good night my friend :) ❤
802) 488-4247 • Thu, 8:18 PMvia Google Voice

I’m actually rather relieved after having asked her several times NOT to ring the bell because it sets the dogs off. But she chose to ignore my request. I’ve told her repeatdly: When I’m in the room, I’m almost always at the window. I can see her on the sidewalk. So you’ve done us both a kindness!
Now GET A GOOD NIGHT’S REST YOU!!!! And give your hubby a finger in the… OMG! The things that one sees in text messages these days! REALLY!
Sleep well. Good night.
Thu, 8:20 PMvia Google Voice

These were accompanied by messages from Jacquie which, surprisingly did NOT refer to the bullshit her brats pulled today:

Sending text from the Chateau G. because quite frankly I’m exhausted. Ms. Hallie-Baby has had dinner and a 45 minute “business run” in the yard. We didn’t frolic because of her boo-boo though. And OH!!!!! I DID find that 99,5FM station and have had it on since! Merci to vous! I’ll be with Ms. Hallie-Baby in the morn for breakfast. She gets 2 eggs if I’m not mistaken, sccrambled, well done. And I’ll be sure to check the “Ladies Room” as it were in the barn, for “gifts”. Have a good and peaceful and quite night. Be warm. Sleep well. More on the tomorrow.
Thu, 8:16 PMvia Google Voice

Thanks you to. Hope ms. Hallie is doing fine? Hope all is quite @ hotel Glidden!
802) 309-9499 • Thu, 8:20 PMvia Google Voice
Oh indeed… you’re very welcome. Ms. Hallie seems to be doing good-good. Not so much on the swing’n’sway this evening. I didn’t keep her out too long because of the cold and damp. But she DID “do” before sleepie-nigh-night. And yes, thank you, all at the Hotel G is quiet. (May it stay this way.) I’m just having a peppermint tea hoping it will help tummy or head or something, getting a few more pages done on the book and will be (hopefully) off to Dreamieland in short course. Tomorrow is “Breakfast With Ms. Hallie”!!! I shall bring coffee. We shall have scones. It’ll be a laugh!
Thu, 8:24 PMvia Google Voice

Fri.16.Oct: 0.04 Jolly! After mid-night again. And I’d been back at the pit early (20.00) and ready for bed early Planning on an early-to-bed night. But, alas. Still, I can’t be too hard on myself. I got A LOT accomplished with the new book tonight. So, it is rather well worth the tardiness. – I’m just up from my last smoke, alone. No Dixie this time. And in the POURING rain. At least it’s not snow… nor ice. THOSE nights are soon-coming though. But now I have to catch-up with yesterday afternoon and evening. So back to yesterday for a brief while. – 0.46 and we’re going for 1.00!!! But the messages are on for my records and this journal and I’m STILL fucking fed-up with the bulls-shit around here. Fucking fed-up! – And so, a quick check of the soc.med. since there are no more “messages” from the phones and then, with the Montreal Classical station on the radio (at last!) I’ll try for some sleep. I took a generic ibuprofen earlier… and it seems to have worked with the pain in the teeth. Now, to figure how to get rid of what’s going on in my sinus!!! – 1.49 finally to sleep I hope. – 7.47 Coffee. Smoke. And a raging libido this morning when I woke! Carolina and all. Ca ce peut tu? Friday. Hmmm…. Well then. may this cloudy, wet but not terribly cold day continue thus. I’ve NO idea what brought it on, but here it is and I’m not complaining. It’s been TOO TOO long a time. AND not pain in the teeth, nor the neck. – Last evening, as I worked on the book, I had the most horrific chest pains as I sat at the desk. Indeed, for a while, I thought it was “the end”. – Yes, I slept through the 6.30 alarm, but to wake at 7.30 and not 8.30 is a delight. And the radio on all through the night. – AND… added bonus this morning: Music to remember Mum! “Elizabethan Serenade”! I haven’t heard this in YEARS! And here, this morning, this day commences with it. How wonderful! – May the day continue thus… may it only. – Ms. Hallie in a few hours…. – 20.10 SHOWERED!!! IN THE BED!!! But must to pop a text to Ms. Jacquie before too late. – 23.53 and I’m just slipping in at the last minute of this day here. – Let me get right into it then… SO… I spent MOST of the day working on the book. In fact, with the exception of running over this morning to Jacquie’s to get Hallie here breakfast, and scrambling-up all of the eggs that were found in the barn, and then going back to get Hallie her dinner at about 18.30, I did spend the entire day on the book. Alone, in the room, with the radio on, I worked on embellishing and trying to make the reading a bit easier for readers. And, I’m trying to “clean the vocabulary” a bit, to make the book more suitable to a wider readership. One thing in particular that nobody could be aware of is: I’m actually re-living each day, and each moment of each day. I’m IN the book, IN the moment, there, in fact, in heart and soul. Thankfully, I’m only into the Peninsula Days right now. I wonder what it’s going to be like when I get into the Shelter days now. I suspect it’s going to be tearful. There are a LOT of moments then that I miss terribly. And I always wonder what ever became of some of those guys. Are they OK? Are they housed? Are they alive? Anyway… nobody knows… nobody can know… and nobody actually will know. But I want to get this new edition, with photos and such, out there! Hopefully this version will be better-received. I’ll push it more this time though… considering it won’t be as “raw”. We shall see. – So breakfast with Hallie was rather to the point. I cooked the eggs and put them into 2 bags… one for Hallie and one to bring to m’Dixie. One batch was cooked in lamb fat. Fat is something Dixie could certainly use. The other, in olive oil… more fat that Dixie could use. But I put the two together… combined. And why not? The eggs are there. They’re not for human consumption. And hopefully they won’t harm either dog. And the protein for Dixie will do her good. – One thing though… the dog food here in the pit is running low… I wonder what’s to come of that now! Well… I’ll have to “make do” as best I can for that when that time comes. – Breakfast served, time to “make business” and I came back to the pit and back to the book. – The Montreal station played some wonderful music during the day and a couple of tunes that I like very much, including one that I’ve liked for quite a while and, at one point, some time ago, on Rochambeau, if I’m not mistaken, I went about humming for a while: “Pie Jesu”, written by Andrew Weber! I looked it up, found it, down-loaded the file and now have it to put on the iPod! (Haven’t yet, but certainly will!) – At dinner time, I went over to the house where I heated a lamb chop, half of the rice and squash and had that for MY dinner and gave Hallie hers. It breaks my heart to think of her being in the house alone. She’s obviously so happy to have people about. But (a) I no longer feel comfortable in that house with those shit-bags there and (b) I really NEED to focus on the book now! Anyway, she ate and I was still so hungry, having eaten nothing but some of those little cookies all day. I finished the pot pie as well. After Hallie and I had eaten, we went out-side for a while in the dark. The rains have stopped and it’s not too cold so we were out a good 45 minutes at the least. – I decided to take the car out for a run around the Square Road this evening… to get it running, check for noises, warm the engine, get the fluids going. So I brought Hallie back into the house and started the car. Once it warmed up, the engine still sounds quite OK. So off I went: down to the Highgate Street, to the Square Rd, up Main toward the Y. I drove round the Y and back down Main to Square, over Square back to Main, up Main to Square and into the school parking lot to come back to Main and to Jacquie’s. The “grinding” sound didn’t start until I was en route back to Jacquie’s. Not too bad. But when I stopped the engine I noticed a bit of smoke rising from under the hood. The engine was at a good temperature, the hood was still cool. I have to check that in day-light and see what’s going on under there now! Repairs as well as registration and insurance are coming due… not to mention travel for potential work… and getting the actual fuck out of this town! Ah… my existence. Well, I parked in font of Jacquie’s again and came back to the pit where the freak was taking the dogs out but after they all had dinner. OH… but when I first came into the house, I managed to give Dixie and Ellie some of the eggs that I’d brought back. I’d given some to Dixie and Ellie heard Dixie’s tags clang against her bowl and came to the kitchen. I couldn’t give eggs to one and not the other. So… they both got eggs before dinner. Good. – Back up to the room and on-line to check messages and such. – Ah… during the day, Jacquie sent me a message about Lyle’s nasty messages. One of which state again, that he feels she abusing me! She, in turn, is pulling ME into it by telling me that she doesn’t want such messages from Lyle and “asking” if she should have his number blocked. Well? Your phone. He’s sending the messages to you. Block him if that’s an option. Or, she wants to file a complaint! Really? These people have the mentality of spoiled CHILDREN! ALL OF THEM! And I’m fed-up with it. OH! To be able to simply get into the car and go away! One day… soon… I hope. Anyway, I sent her a lengthy message stating AGAIN that I want nothing to do with all of this bullshit and I ened with “If you cease stirring the manure pit, the shit will cease hitting the fan”. Too deep for their comprehension but… I also told her that there are points of yesterday that she’s not aware of and that this has become instigational, antagonistic, and that I, personally have nothing to do with it and AGAIN, I resent being pulled into it. SHE just wanted to know if I feel I’m being abused. I replied with one word: No. Prior to her asking I stated, clearly, that she should know well enough by now that if I resented anything, I’d simply walk away from it. Honestly… dense! – And so, that brought me to the shower and jammies, sending a message of “Evening report” because I was NOT going to sit over there until the later hours of this night… this Shabbat night, blithering on and listening to her not listening to me. – I got onto the soc.med. and there was my fault. I’ve been on all evening and even to now… which is…..

Sat.17.Oct:* * * 0.23 and here I go again with the being up and awake MUCH later than I’m comfortable with. I NEED to get back into an earlier routine! This shit has GOT to end! – Today’s agenda? Breakfast with Hallie. Perhaps I’ll bring Dixie over with this morning. – Much more work on the book. As it stand right now, I’m on page 85 of 614 pages. I know I won’t have to modify ALL of the pages, and I truly am keeping MOST of the original journals. But, even though this isn’t bad… having gotten 85 pages done in less than 3 days, there’s a LOT more work to be done before next publication! The editing, then the insertion of images. This thing is going to be quite large by the time I’m done… and hopefully I’ll be able to sell it as PDF to a larger audience this time round. I also have to come up with another name and a new “cover image”. But… all in time… and I hope to have enough of that to finish THIS edition properly. As I’m reading now I’m fining ALL sorts of errors that went to publish on the first round… I’ll HAVE to fix those and re-publish THAT one as well. There’s work to be done! – But for now, it’s 0.28 and time for a nap! And ONLY a nap! I hope. – 9.27! I SO OVER-SLEPT! AND… IN THE DRIZZLE OUT THERE.. LITTLE TRACES OF… * * * SNOW-FLAKES * * * Yes, it begins. And this morning, I have to think about where to put the car, when the snows actually fall. MORE to ponder. – Clothes in the washer. The washer was rather soiled too. The freak was the last one to use it. I wonder… constantly. – And Hallie needs food in half an hour. And my guts are about to burst. Saturday morning. Just awake and already… it begins. – 13.34 At about 10.30 I BOLETED to get Ms. Hallie her breakfast… never mind me… And I’ve spent 3 hours over there this morning, and haven’t been on the manuscript! I did get my clothes washed and dried though. The sheets need a wash but not now. It’s Shabbat and there’s a book waiting for work. – Message from Lyle asking if the freak has gone through the suicide threat on their anniversary today. I posted to fesses-book though… Iona did… just in case. But when I just came into the pit, it was standing in the kitchen… trying to make with the chat with me. I rinsed the hummingbord feeder and came directly to the room where it’s 17°, and chilly. Water on the boil. One Earl Grey tea left… and I’ll have that for “meal” today. The sun seems to want to come through after this morning’s actual flurry. Winter is coming… indeed. But the pit is calm and I’ve got much to DO! and then another run to Ms. Hallie’s dinner. A day… “Relaxing”? I shouldn’t think so. THAT is asking entirely TOO MUCH! (But at least there’s some day-light coming… may it last.) – I’m actually tired at the moment. Imagine? Tired! After sleeping through the night… and LATE! – 20.46 ICE ON THE BACK PORCH! FIRST FREEZE! But I’m here, with a vodka-tonic, Ms. Hallie has had her dinner. Ms. Dixie has had her dinner with scrambled eggs. The fucking freak is sitting on the bed with the hall light and the room light blazing. And I am back to page 98 of the new book. And it all had better stay this way because I’m in no mood for bull-shit tonight! – 22.29 TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY BURKE! He came on whilst I was on fesses-book. “Friends”! Imagine that! The second one who truly is a “Friend”! Matthew and no Tommy! I was in tears when I saw him come up on the screen. And all I could type back to him was a repeated “DAMN!” I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say. There was so much I wanted to say but I didn’t dare… couldn’t. But WOW! What an intense JOY! TOMMY! We sent a few lines… well, I sent a few lines. He responded in on word for the most part. And brief. I don’t know what he’s thinking. And he doesn’t know what I’m thinking. But hopefully he’ll remain and much more will be said over the ether… in future. – I didn’t stay on-line long. I wanted t get to page 100 at the very least, on the edit. Well… page 103 as of now. 519 pages more to go. Some of them will be easier than others. But how odd… I’m working on the “Peninsula Days”, having just left Tilden and tonight… TOMMY! Connections. Anyway, it’s still rather heavy, working on this again… re-living those days o vividly. The bits about Brian and Evon, and Roz, the failure social worker. Vivid. So vivid. – As for the rest of the day, I did a bit of work on the book when I got back from breakfast with Ms. Hallie. The freak tried to engage in chat. Honestly, I’ve nothing to say to that thing and even as I rinsed the hummingbird feeder in the kitchen sink and it tried to chat with me, I truly had NOTHING at all to say back… and I didn’t bother to try. – I came to the room and got into the book. – Took another 20-minute nap this after-noon. I need those, with all of what’s going on here and the emotional jolts from the book. – Then, before I knew it… 18.00 and off to Ms. Hallie for dinner. Well, again, this evening, she and I dined. I finished the squash, rice and the one lamb chop and then put some cream cheese on a hot-dog bun after. I was hungry. A shame that I’d finished the pot pie last evening, but it was fine. I then made a quick hanger for the plant that Jacquie wants to put in one kitchen window. It’s not “great”. It’s rather “quick” but will suffice for now I should think. – Leaving Ms. Hallie tonight was difficult. I’d phone Jacquie this evening. She told me of her day. Mentioned that she’d blocked L’s number so there won’t be any more calls or nasty text messages. We left it at that. There will be time to chat on it further, I’m sure. – But Hallie looked SO SAD when I left her tonight. It about breaks my heart. She’s a “people dog”… even if the people are just in the house! I know too well how she feels about being alone. And especially tonight, in this sudden SNAP of COLD! But I had to get back to the book and I wasn’t about to stay there over-night… not in the atmosphere round here of late. I’ll HAVE to get back to her early tomorrow morning. – 23.58 and squeezing back before mid-night… AGAIN!!! I don’t like being awake this late, but yes, I AM “working” until this hour, for the most part. And as I’ve said… 519 pages to go on the new edit! – The freak had threatened suicide for today since it’s B&Ls wedding anniversary. Right now, it’s across the hall, whiney-talking to itself or the dogs… what-ever. All I keep thinking is: If that shit-bag does itself in whilst it an I are the only 2 in this house, with the way things have been here in this fuck-hole state, Ill be blamed again for something I didn’t do. I’m so fed-up with all of this bull-shit to begin with and now the cold is coming and I’ll have to Winter another season of bitter cold in this shit-box fuck-hole! The car needs all sorts of work and I need to pay all sorts of bills on it. I’m fed-the-fuck-up with it all! And being in this place with that shit across the hall… and the gate across the door for protection against a possible sudden “break in”. And now with this threat of finding it dead and being held suspect. FUCK! This shit just keeps getting deeper. But I ride it through. – My teeth are bothering me again tonight and I’ve nothing to relieve the pain. How charming. – But I’m going to put “Pie Jesu” on the iPod and maybe play that through the night. Maybe that’ll help sleep … a bit … maybe. I’ve set the alarm for 7.00 tomorrow. If I go over to the house early, I’ll bring the lap-top and work there for a while. I also have to run the car to warm it up… more-so now that before… the grass out-side is frozen, today’s rain has frozen on the porch rails and the “new porch” is frozen where the rain fell on it ICE. HERE WE GO! ICE! WINTER!

Sun.18,Oct: 1.37 and still awake. I put “Pie Jesu” and “I Can’t Dance To That Music You’re Playin’” on the iPod. And just up from last smoke. I need a nap… and a nap is all I can have at this point. – 8.49 and yes, it seems I’ve done it again… slept a bit later. Just up. Just in from a smoke. And just feeling so nauseated. I fell asleep in such pain from that tooth. Upper right. Last one in the back. But the nausea. I wonder what brought that on. – And again, this morning, the mental fatigue of re-living the Journal. And now, add the re-connection with Tommy. It’s a mental fatigue now. It wasn’t this much in Richford. But then again, I didn’t actually READ the book in Richford. There, it was a matter of checking spelling and the like. Anyway, I have to note the errors in spelling and grammar and such. I’m going to have to go back a edit the book now, and re-publish. It’s a mess! Thanks again to those who said “Oh I’d be happy to edit for you.” Fuckers. “Friends” and “BFF”. BS! Indeed. – The barn thermo reads something just under 20°F this morning. Frost on the ground, ice around. And 20°F. Not only do I think of the days to come, I’m thinking of how difficult it’s going to be to get that freak out of here if the bleeding heart courts consider the weather. As Lisa said: If it gets cold, it’s going to be harder to get him out. NO! This cannot be! And he’s GOT another house to go to! May THAT information be factual. The way things are… cannot go on. I don’t want anybody to be Homeless, but… he HAS a HOME to go to! GO! – Minus 1° according to météo. And that’s pretty much the “high” for today. But back up to the teens, come the week. A reprieve. – 21.53 In bed at last! This morning was spent with Ms. Hallie from about 10.30 until noon. At noon, I came back to the pit to find the freak doing more laundry. And that laundry went on well into the afternoon and into the evening. I wonder what THAT’S all about. It couldn’t possibly have THAT much to wash. But… none of my business. Me, I came to the room and got a bit of soc.med. and then into the book… I’m now at page 131, beginning the “Bellevue Days””. The really tough chapters are coming now. And I’ve noticed that I’m working with the “rough manuscript”… pre-publication! So I’ve got more to work with and more to work on. Well… what began as 610 pages is now up to 626 and that’s before break-downs into chapters. This thing is “growing”. But that’s OK. It’ll take more time, but it’ll be larger and worth more when it comes time to sell… and hopefully the market will be broader and more copies will sell this time around. I still have to come up with another title and cover. But all in time. – So, I worked. I ate 4 heated hot dogs that I’d gotten when I went to market. Nothing after. No more nibbles. So I had sweet coffee and creamer for dessert. – At about 20.00 I took a stroll over to visit with Jacquie. She’d finished her dinner but offered to make me a plate. I truly wasn’t hungry but she was having a glass of wine and when she offered a beer, I accepted. So we sat, chatted about work, hers mostly. We talked about Helene Parent. She showed me the text messages from Lyle. I got to tell her how I truly find her tenants to be antagonists and such. She told me that she asked Bob to simply park on the side of the house or at the post office. I find that fair enough. But… And then she mentioned something that is very true: MOST OF THE TENSIONS AROUND HERE OF LATE ARE BECAUSE OF THE FREAK! HE’S MANAGED TO MAKE LIFE MISERABLE FOR SO MANY PEOPLE!!! HE NEEDS TO GO! I almost with I could be there in court to impress that on the courts. But I WILL mention it to Bob and Lyle… should the opportunity present. – Well, I’m just getting back into the pit. It’s 22.02 now. I’ve got a peppermint tea steeping, the radio on (and I’m leaving it on through the night tonight). The gate is across the door. M’Dixie and I went out for a ‘moke already and so, the day is done and it’s time to wrap it up. – It’s really rather chilly in the room tonight but not quite enough for the heater. The bed warmer is on. It hasn’t really had time to kick in yet but it will and the bed will be warm soon. – I’m going to TRY to get to sleep before mid-night tonight. Tomorrow the freak has to be back in court. May that go well and he get tossed… no extensions any longer. Yes, it’s been quiet in the place with-out the aggravation of Lyle. And it will be rather odd for me, being here with them… with Lyle… alone. But I’d rather they were back in their home and that psycho gone. – Well… tomorrow a new anxiety: Drug test.. in Plattsburgh… and how to get to that. Always something. Alas. But that’s tomorrow. This is tonight. And tonight’s issue: sleep.

Mon.19.Oct: 0.24 and here we go again damn it! – 7.47 and OH! Do I, for some reason, feel AWFUL this morning! SO TIRED! I want, so much, to go back to sleep!!! And I don’t know why! Terrible heavy! – I woke with the 6.30 alarm, turned it off, dozed heavily until moments ago. I woke, from a strange dream, got up, had coffee and Vit.C and headed down to put my jeans into the washer. The freak was already at the front door. “Did you get something on them?” I carried the jeans by a belt-loop. “Umhum.” I said. “I though so from the way you’re carrying them.” and I went directly to the washer. Yes, there’s some kind of shit on them. I don’t know where it came from, but it was on there last night when I got back in. Anyway, they’re in washing now… and the freak is gone… off to court. May today be the end of this shit. – It’s gone to the “cold” weather that makes it difficult to evict. (Of course, that’s for others… had this been me… the matter would be solved this morning with the crack of gavel on bench and I’d be out the door immediately.) The ground is frozen. The leaves are frozen. Ice abounds. But we shall see. They have a new judge on the case and they SHOULD have enough evidence to get him out. I wouldn’t be so harsh if he didn’t have some other place to go to. But he’s got family and a house… A FRIGGIN HOUSE! GO! And your little dog too. Well… only time… only time. Meanwhile… let’s see what I can recap of the
DREAM:
I’m working in a back-office job for the post office as some kind of clerk or something. Not a “high-rank” spot at all, of course. We’ hired a rather odd young man for some clerical spot and he left quit, left, simply and suddenly left and didn’t come back. But there was something the others knew that I did not, something suspect, suspicious. They were looking at his “time card” and some papers they’d found in his desk and locker. The “time card” was yellow square cardboard sort of thing which was, in the dream, normal. But instead of having hours and such properly recorded on his, he’d darkened some of the box-areas in very heavy, thick, black crayon, and in other areas, bright red marker. Across the bottom of the card was written, in hasty print “NO MARCH ZOMBIES”. It was a reference to the previous month or the following month, that part was vague in the dream. MOST of the office was busy looking at the card and the papers… papers on which he’d drawn hands, in pencil and pen. VERY detailed sketches of hands, most were in a relaxed position, as setting on a table or desk, but extremely detailed. Some people were gleaning magazine photos of hands, comparing the photos with the sketches. I walked by one desk and commented “It’s beginning to look like a police station here.” Nobody took notice of my comment and I continued to pass them and to the other side of the “facility” where I was in a “laundry” area. White cinder-block walls, small windows at the ceiling level, as if in a basement. The washers were packed tightly into this “room”. There were people sitting on an some almost IN the washers and the drone of the machines was loud. It was hot, rather humid. All the people there were men and women, Black, Indian, Pakistani, etc. I went to one machine and put my own clothes and such in and turned it on. It filled with suds. A Black woman, sitting rather uncomfortably on the machine beside mine, with her head wrapped in a white towel looked at me and said, rather dissappointedly “It smells of (something)thane. Too bad. I’m sorry. I had my hair just done and every time SHE does it it smells like that.” I’d thought it was my wash and that something was wrong with the machine or water. I was closer to her then, pushed into a smaller space by all the others who were moving about. “I wanted my usual soap.” I said to her over the noise of machines and people yammering. “It was wonderful! Cleaned the clothes very well and left them bright and smelling so fresh and clean. It was from Africa. I had it once and can’t find it again.” (In retrospect, yes, I had to wash my jeans this morning and when I woke, I thought of the box of “Sunlight” laundry soap that I’d bought, MANY years ago at the “99-cent Limit”. it was from South Africa and yes, it did do the wash that way.) – That was when I woke.
Well, imagine that. I suppose the post office is on my mind this morning. A job in a larger office that I really do not want. The “criminal”? Maybe it has something to do with the gal in Highgate Springs who lasted only as long as her 90-day probation and the recent shift of people in this cluster. “NO MARCH ZOMBIES”? Interesting detail. I left the Sheldon office in March of this year. “Zombies”? The shits from this cluster? Cindy, Rachel, Jennifer? I wonder. Oh well. – 8.18 and the house is quiet. I even have the room door open to let in some warmth. The boiler has been running these past days keeping the rest of the house QUITE warm. I wonder where the thermostat is in here and what it’s set to. I’ll have to have a look. I worry about the oil for the furnace. This morning I thought of the possibility of it running out and having NO heat in the house at all… and I wouldn’t put it past the freak to crank the thermostat up to intentionally run the oil out. Well.. for now… for now to check the jeans and get on with this day as much as possible, as close to “normal” as possible. – I want to bring some pellets onto the back porch. The “Season” is upon us. – 11.37 The back porch has been swept, the boxes re-stacked so they clear the windows in the kitchen and laundry, 20 bags of pellets moved from shed to porch for easier access, Dixie and Ellie are fed breakfast at last, and the fucking freak just arrived. I’m off to check for the latest word. This morning the word was that the freak got a Black female lawyer. O well… the Liberals. How they make me truly physically ill. – I’m having a coffee. I’ve wasted time that should have been spent on the book. Fuck this shit. Or… FTS as ’tis said. I just truly hope that I’m wrong about the courts and that this bull-shit got settled… TODAY! – 21.54 SO much to note today. (I didn’t get much more than that down, a few notes and… so here, to catch up at 6.17 on Tuesday morning.) Well, it was about 12.01, I was sitting at the desk, working on the book when I see “the Rav4” pull up in front of the house and both B&L get out. I sat at the desk and continued to work until I heard the “thump, thump, thump” on my door. B. came in to tell the events of the morning. I’d already gotten a little text message from L. letting me know that they’d “won”. It seems the hearing today was for nothing but the “Restraining Order” and had nothing to do with the eviction, but, that the freak had lost. The attorney wanted the fucking restraining order continued through the legal maximum term of… A YEAR!!! WELL! THAT’S TYPICAL LIBERAL. The judge, the same one that’s been with this case all along, said that he’d make no decision until the facts were presented. Ah HAH! The freak tried to pull the “crippled” bull-shit. B. told the court about the work done on the wood-shed and how much lumber was hauled. The freak tried to pull the “he hit me and I feared for my life” bull-shit. B. told of L’s weakness and failing health. The freak tried to pull the “fear for my life” and B’s atty. pointed out that the police had been at the house 3 times on different days and each time, the freak remained in the house. It all proved that it’s (the freak) NOT crippled, because of the lumber-hauling, NOT in any danger nor fearing for life because it remained in the house thrice. But the clincher came, apparently, when B’s atty. got the dumbshit to openly admit that it expected the “romantic” aspect of their “relationship” to continue!!! BINGO! NO MORE RESTRAINING ORDER! THEY WERE OUT OF THECOURT AND FREE TO RETURN TO THEIR HOUSE AND HOME! – All’s well? Not so much… B. ASKED me to try to be in the house as much and often as possible now when he’s not here. I KNOW what that’s about: I’m no the Nanny-Nurse-Maid AND Referee. I told him I certainly would because I do understand. BUT… I wanted to grab a bit of lunch, which meant going over to Jacquie’s so I got me together to leave… They wanted a “chat” though and so we went out “fora smoke” where I got told the particulars of the hearing. Ah… L’s history rears its ugliness again: OH the nasty hissy-fits and such! Honestly! It’s truly the very same as listening to a recalcitrant 13-year-old and I’m sick of it! But.. I listened politely… patronising more than anything else. Oh… B. told me that after the last farce at Jacquie’s where HER little fucktards started shit, he phone and spoke with here politely. L. on the other hand, pulled the “spoiled brat” shit. And THAT’S wearing very thin with me. – We move along and I had to point out the work that had been done on the back porch this morning. Honeslty… it’s a good thing I “do” for “my” satisfaction. – I came in, grabbed my little bag and headed toward the door and got intercepted in the kitchen. L. TELLS ME… almost DEMANDING that I be IN the house AT ALL TIMES!!! I said “As much as possible.” He repeated “All the time.” I repeated “As much as possible. YOU have to start taking responsibility for YOUR situation and YOUR actions.” He quietly said “Maybe” and I rather chuckled, both sincerely and sarcastically. But, fact is: I won’t defend if HE instigates… and they need to know that. And they SHOULD know that from having gotten to know me over these 2 years. But… dense is dense, and THIS is denser than that… the 3 of them. – I was off and out the door and off to Jacquie’s for lunch… and escape. Intercepted at the parlour, B. was talking about catching-up with his TV shows and L. was off into another tirade on his anger, the courts and smuggly about his nasty text messages to Jacquie. B. told him to stop putting me in the middle of things… and I made it clear (for that moment, of course) that I’ll have no part of his tantrums… I was out the door! – Lunch at Jacquie’s was as usual: she asked, I told, she didn’t listen. But today she had particular troubles. It appears that her “escrow” company failed to pay her property taxes and she got a “Late Notice”! The escrow company claims they paid but will get back to her on Thursday. Well… OK then there then. But we had lunch… a little salad and some pasta al fredo. Better than nothing at all and actually good. I stayed a bit, watched a little TV with until she dozed and I came back to the pit to work… – OH WELL THEN! HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!! THEY WEREN’T IN THE HOUSE EVEN AN HOUR WHEN B. TOLD THE FREAK… YET AGAIN… THAT CHICA HAS GOT TO GO! THE FREAK GOT ON THE PHONE AND HAD THE POLICE HERE AGAIN! BORDER PATROL AND STATE! B. asked the cop how many more times this shit will be tolerated, with the freak calling the police for everything and the cop said that after too many frivolous calls he’ll be arrested. (“too many”? these people truly truly truly are fucking retarded). I don’t know what the out-come was (and I don’t much give a shit, to be honest). But seriously… not in the house an hour! I SEE what the freak is trying to pull: another restraining order so that it can pull an entire year of, essentially having run of the house! Well, not so long as I’m in here too. Yes, I need the place too… but I’ll be DAMNED if I’ going to allow THIS KIND OF SHIT to be played out. There’s a matter of ETHICS and the matter of *I HAD to go to a shelter when I had to leave my premises*… THIS piece of shit HAS to get the actual fuck out of here, based on 2 years of bullshit and now instigating and antagonising! Somebody’s going to “snap”… it just might be me at this rate. – I honestly don’t know how B&L can take much more and how that faggot gets away with this shit. Granted… they BEGGED for it to happen by bringing that trash into the house in the first place, and then there’s last Summer in particular with all the “best buds chummy-chummy” bull-shit whilst I WORKED my balls off, the Summer of biking and never being offered a lift, the biking in the pouring rain… and all the while… the freak getting transport, going to their dinners together, the shopping trips…. etc. Well bucko-kiddos? You’re paying now… KARMA! HELLOOOOO! And me? I’m getting a bit of good, old fashioned SCHADENFREUDE! As The Lady Chablis put it in “The Garden of Good and Evil”: “two tears in a bucket… motherfuckkit.” Tsk and poo-poo. – MOVING right along…. After the police left, B&L took a stroll to the phone company where they knocked the freak off the phone service in the house and changed the WiFi pass-word. (I had to ASK for that… even after being told “You’re the only other one who has access.” So why did I have to ASK for the pass-word? More nonsense… but I DID get it… thankfully.) Now the freak CAN’T simply call the police all willie-nille… although, maybe… if there’s a strong enough signal coming into the house to a “911” call. Oh well… we’ll see how that works out because I’ve NO doubt… there WILL be MORE calls to the police. There’s no “sense” in this place…NONE! – So I got to the book, added a bit, edited a bit, re-wrote a bit and then it got to be 19.00 and I was hungry so… off to Jacquie’s and hope for some dinner… But for now, at 21.57, the winds are coming from the South tonight and it’s getting warmer. B&L are in their room. The freak is in its room with the door closed. – At Jacquie’s, I had a burger with squash and rice and broccoli for dinner. She’d waited until 19.30 for me for dinner and she gave me another envelope! I haven’t opened it yet. I just don’t rush. Its that child-hood bullshit about being “greedy”. I’m fucked in the head. – I’ll put the gate across the door again tonight though just in case the freak goes nuts. I don’t trust that shit. Even with B&L in the house. I just don’t trust anything nor any one here in this state any longer. Nothing makes sense here. It’s insanity running amok. – Yes, it’s chilly in here but I’ve got the bed-warmer on and it’ll get warmer soon. I’m not going to be up until mid-night though. – Oh… earlier, Lyle asked when I was going to decorate, “Take the ghouls out of the barn.” Tomorrow… I hope. That would be nice and fun. After all this shit and the continuation of this shit, “nice and fun” would be welcome. – Oh well… tea is steeping. A little browsing and to sleep. Early start on the day tomorrow would be nice… EARLY! And I only got about 9 pages on the book and I’ve added even MORE. This is becoming quite the project. But tomorrow, I MUST get MORE done. Time… and I don’t have much of that. – Oh, and I’m on “pre-hire” at the PO so there’s no telling WHAT’S coming with that. But at least I’m ON the list. – I removed the cardboard cover from the hole in the floor to see if covering that dead registre helps keep the draft out of here and will allow some heat up. L. saw me looking up at it from the “dining room” and told me that, if it gets too awfully cold, to come to the living-room. “We’re not doing anything to ensure his heat and comfort any more.” I wonder what the actual fuck THAT’S supposed to mean… Meanwhile… the pellet stove is running… You’re welcome… since I brought the pellets in from the “shed”. – Fuckkit! Just fuckkit!

Tue.20.Oct:0.09 fuk. – 6.05 Up and coffee and smoke after “bang bang bang” on the freak’s door at 5.20 this morning. B. had something to tell him that needs to be when he (B) returns from work today. He (B) leaves for work and the dogs start scratching at the freak’s door. So, I got up, had my coffee and put more pepper on the floor out-side my door. It’s going to be like this, I suspect, until the freak is out. Oh well. It does me some good because I’m going to have to get back into the routine of waking early. And this, after yet another night of painfully going to sleep. This tooth, or sinus is driving me nuts. But I keep noticing that it’s only after being at Jacquie’s and with Hallie. I wonder if Hallie doesn’t have something that lodges in my sinuses. Oh well… So be it. – At least the temperature out there is 8° this morning (and that actually feels “warm”) and in here, 16° which isn’t great but it isn’t too bad either… especially with the bed-warmer on… may that hold through until I’m out of here as well. And may that be before the bitter cold comes. – 7.02 I need a nap! – OH! Turd d’eau won the bloody Canadian election. TOTAL LIBERAL SHIT IS NOW RUNNING THAT COUNTRY! WE, OF NORTH AMERICA… ARE DOOMED!!!! – Forecast: 8° this morning and going up to 13 during the day with chances of intermittent showers. Oh well OK. – I need a 20-minute snooze… I’m caught-up with this… then… TO THE BOOK! – 12.47 4 hours on the book and 20 pages down, 3 pages added and it’s exhausting… but a wonderful escape from here as I write and remember and re-live. I’ve survived some pretty nasty shit! Imagine me! – A quick note before trying an escape to Jacquie’s for a bit: The freak had to go to the store this morning, to use the phone or what-ever, and brought Chica with. It was rather painfully sad to see that shit-bag hobbling along, with that poor little animal clutched under his arm, in the dampish cool. As much as I truly despise the freak, there’s a part of me that has to remain human… people should not suffer… Life is a shit-hole. – Now… a break! –
23.32
Bob and I area alone in the house tonight, save the 3 dogs. – This morning, Bob brought Lyle to work with him and poor Lyle passed the entire day in the car, out in the parking lot, as Bob worked! It’s not, as I’ve said, out of any particular “love” for Lyle that it bothers me. On a “human” stance, this is HIS home and house and yet, because he’s trying to avoid more violence. HE chose to leave! And to think of sitting in the car all day, in an area where there’s nothing to do, and no place to go to, well… don’t I know too well, how horrid that can be. – Me? I just did what I usually do… I worked for about 5 hours on the book and at about 13.00, headed over to Jacquie’s for lunch where we pulled the remaining beets and harvested the remaining squash… and then had a nice hot lunch. – At about 15.30, we decided to take Ms. Hallie and Dixie for a walk. So I came back to the house and got Dixie out of the house and I worked a bit, in the barn, on the Halloween decorations. Made a little “ghost” from some dirty, yet white, fabric that’s for covering crops. – That done, I brought Dixie to the house to get her leash… And THAT is when the REAL SHIT BEGAN!
As Dixie and I got to the back of the house, we could BOTH hear the yelling and hollering coming from inside, in the freak’s room! LOUD! So I decided to simply go to Jacquie’s with Dixie, borrow a leash from over there and yes, go for that walk. And, so I did. And, so we did. We walked down the Highgate St. to the Square Rd, where we stopped to check on the red house. We stopped by, chatted with the folks over there for a moment or so and continued back to Main Street. Where, coming round the corner, we saw… the AMBULANCE! parked in front of the detail shop across from the house. My heart sank (but only a bit). “Well, it could be that the freak pushed Lyle down the stairs or the freak pulling another one of those “suicide missions” or Lyle finally snapped and pushed the freak down the stairs.” I said. Jacquie needed to stop at the “hall” to get more apples and so she did. As we got closer to the house, we rather joked about it being nicer to see the flashing lights instead of the same State police cars… and then… she noticed 2 police cars as well. Oh… this was “something” now. – We sat on the front porch of the “hall” and watched… as LYLE was escorted out… CUFFED!!! THAT pissed me right the Hell off! But they put LYLE into a police car! And Jacquie and I waited to see who was headed for the ambulance. THAT was for the freak! WHAT the actual FUCK? We watched for a few moments more and decided to try to make our way across the road to the drive-way to the store and head back into her house via the back yards and garden… and so… we hastily almost ran across the road, trying to avoid being in anybody’s line of vision. MADE IT! How stupid to have to “hide” to get to one’s home. But we both knew that if we’d gone directly past the fracas that we’d both be drawn into it, and neither of us wanted anything to do with it. – Back at Jacquie’s, she got the squash from the garden and we watched the “parade” leave… the ambulance and the 2 police cars. One police car carrying Lyle. No telling who, if anybody, was in the ambulance. And so, we went into the house for a pasta dinner, fresh sauce made with the end of this year’s tomatoes. (I got so few… after all that work… but… I’m at the point where: Lesson learnt… fuck them next year, I’m not getting involved. No more feeding the fucking world here.) – WELL! As we were heading back into the house, Bob came to the drive… IT WASN’T EVEN AN HOUR AFTER HE AND LYLE GOT BACK FROM WORK WHEN THE STUPIDITY BEGAN! Lyle went to put a wash into the machine, since they had clothes that needed washing, having been gone 3 weeks in a hotel. The freak started the shit because of the laundry soap!!!! INSTIGATING AND ANTAGONISING!!! Fucktard. Well, that led into yelling which led Bob t go up to the freak’s room and proceed to UN-furnish the room… removing EVERY bit of furniture, essentially leaving the freak in a relatively empty room. And the situation escalated to the point where the freak DID TRY TO SHOVE LYLE DOWN THE STAIRS! Bob intervened, the freak feigned some kind of “collapse” in the hall, Bob grabbed him (at the throat, I’m to understand) to pin him down and drive ‘home” the fact that he, Bob, was at the end of his tether and would NOT permit the freak to harm Lyle any more. The freak, once again, rang the police… AGAIN!!! Feigned a “broken shoulder”, the little shit. As it turned out, Lyle was cited for “disturbing the peace” and “resisting arrest”. BUT… THE FREAK GOT CITED FOR ASSAULTING LYLE! WOOHOO AT LAST! – Off they went. – At this point, Lyle had been taken away more for a bit of a jolt and because of the charges but nothing more. And, I learnt later, the freak was hauled off to hospital for examination of the alleged “broken shoulder”… and THEN WAS TO BE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT… AT LEAST A NIGHT IN GAOL… AT LEAST!!! UNTIL THE CASE COULD BE HEAR IN COURT… TOMORROW!!! OH, THE RELIEF! A NIGHT WITH-OUT THAT MISERABLE SHIT IN THIS HOUSE! – Well… Bob left from Jacquie’s, Jacquie and I had out dinner and it was about 20.00 when I said that I needed to get back to the pit… and as I got up to leave… MORE FLASHING LIGHTS!!! AT THE PIT!!! ANOTHER AMBULANCE!!! All we could think of was that the freak was returned (we didn’t know at the time that the shit was to be booked for the “assault” charges). So my blood began boiling to think that that shit-bag got a convoy to bring it back! I took Hallie out the door to the front of the house to see who was in the ambulance…. LYLE!!!!! AND BOB!!!! I lingered at a distance. There were police as well (of course… this is fucking Vermont, they’ve nothing else to do). I heard somebody tell Bob “You need to lock-up the house.” I thought the state was taking the place or locking it as a “Crime Scene” so I went to the ambulance and stood there. Lyle looked rather “calm” and when he noticed me standing there, he beckoned me to come closer. “Lyle, what is all of this?” I asked, thinking they were bringing HIM BACK! “I took an over-dose of insulin.” he said, and then, with a bit of crying in his voice, “They won’t even let me die in peace.” All I got to say was “They’re like that. It’s the way it is….” and they closed the ambulance doors. Meanwhile, somebody got all concerned because Hallie had followed me and “That dog is supposed to be on a leash.” one of the somebody’s said. Once again… a leash! The fucking priorities of these retards is astounding. – Well, the ambulance pulled off, Bob went back into the pit. I followed to see what, if anything, I could do (and to learn the particulars). – And so it went… in a matter of short-while, Bob went to fetch Lyle from the police and bring him back “home”. They weren’t just in when Lyle went for his insulin. Bob thought he was simply taking it as he should… but Lyle had FILLED a 250-unit syringe and injected it. When Bob asked what he was doing, he said “You shouldn’t have to go through all of this because of me.”, he filled another 250-units and as Bob reached for it… BAM… into the leg out of reach. 500 units! So Bob rang the ambulance… and another call to the pit… SUICIDE! (Now… I should think that “normal” law would see the freak’s bull-shit including “murder” charges, but, this being Vermont… they’ll probably twist it round in the opposite direction. I don’t doubt it… but…) – Well… Bob is physically approaching the end of his stamina, and now was calling-in to his job to take ANOTHER day off! He’s on the verge of being fired as it is! But as he phoned, I popped over to tell Jacquie of the news. She offered the little bed-room when I told her that I was going to research a way back to NYC… even the shelter would be calmer than this shit… and at the moment, I was dead-ass serious. She continued to offer the little bed-room… and I thanked her. She, being “not from Franklin” but having been here “long enough” is about as close to “sanity” in this town as one can get… and even at that… it’s not much. As I say, she’s been in this state and town MANY (TOO MANY) YEARS! – Well then, I have to say that I’m actually LIVID! The manner in which all of this has been handled is complete and utter insanity… pure, clinical madness. To think of the support that that freak has been getting when, in fact, in reality in any semblance of sanity, HE should be in an institution (which this state doesn’t have because they put the fucktards “into society”), HE should be held accountable for repeatedly calling the police, HE should be under psych. evals. for the precious attempted suicide, and THEY should be able to determine that HE is the ANTAGONIST in ALL of this bull-shit1 And yet… LYLE is driven to suicide… because of their complete incompetence! The “justice” system in this state is one, major fuck-up and fuck-off! My blood boils when I think of it! BOILS!
THE KICK-OFF FUCK ON THE ENTIRE DAY? BOB WAS ON THE PHONE WITH THE FREAK’S SISTER WHEN I GOT BACK INTO THE PIT… AND SHE TELLS HIM THAT THE FREAK’S NEPHEW HAD COME UP TODAY, TO FETCH THE LAST OF THE FREAK’S BELONGINGS.. AND THE FREAK… AND CHICA… AND BRING THEM ALL BACK TO BURLINGTON… BUT… WHEN HE GOT HERE, THERE WAS NOBODY AT THE HOUSE! HE CAME WHEN THEY WERE ALL OUT AND AWAY FOR ONE OF THEIR DISASTRES! HAD ALL OF THIS ANTAGONISTIC BULL-SHIT NOT HAPPENED, THE FREAK WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE… IN PEACE! WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT THE FUCKING HELLISH BULL-SHIT!!!! Me? I not only blame the freak now, but the State of Vermont and the complete SHIT that this place is. Honestly… there isn’t even one TRACE of sanity left ANY-WHERE here! It’s one HUGE MENTAL INSTITUTION! THEY’RE COMPLETELY FUCKED IN THE HEAD! And I am more determined to get OUT and AWAY than ever before! And, as I told Jacquie this evening, and even said to Bob (since we’re the 3 who are NOT “Vermonters”: I fear being here because I feel surrounded by insanity! And I’m tired to the end of my own rope of it all!
OK. That all said, before going to bed tonight, I’ve started my rant against this state, having re-posted the freak’s “screen-cap” image and the update on today’s events. I want this shit to get out of the state and to make it PUBLIC knowledge. The police are incompetent. The government is incompetent. Fesses-book didn’t pull the freak’s account but they’ll “block” and “ban” the rest of us for stating our opinions which are, for the most part, based in fact. I am on my own crusade… against this entire state. Let them come and give ME and escort OUT. And let THEM pay my way out. I have reached my “end” of tolerance for this shit-hole. WHAT a FUCKING mistake… coming here. FOUR FUCKING YEARS OF THIS SHIT!!!! THE FUCKING END!
And again, tonight, when I could and should have been asleep WAY before now, it goes for another mid-night. – Bob is considering going to work tomorrow. I told him he should. I got Chica to eat a little dinner tonight. I’ll attend to the dogs and house during the day. There’s nothing he can do where the rest of this shit is concerned. Lyle is in good hands. The fucking freak is in custody. Let the world begin to settle back into “normalcy” and some semblance of peace. We shall see. – Meanwhile, my teeth hurt, I’ve taken the last Naprosyn I have. And even though my mind is racing in anger, I need to TRY for a little rest. I’d like to be up at 5.00 tomorrow… I’d LIKE to be. We shall see…

Wed.21.Oct: 8.11 The sun is only just about coming up over the hill. The room door is open and the warmth from the pellet stove is wafting in nicely. And the house is… empty… save the 3 dogs. “Pappy Bob” is out to work. “Pappy Lyle” is hopefully resting peacefully. AND THE FREAK WILL BE HEADING TO GAOL! The house is quiet. The town is quiet. The village is quiet. And… may it remain thus.. remain, remain, remain. I slept through TWO alarms again this morning. A Naprosyn before hitting the pillow at almost bloody midnight again. But maybe now, things will settle, even for a moment in time, and it will return to “early to bed and early to rise”. And back to work, repair the car and get the fuck OUT of Vermont! Oh please! – A little catch-up with this journal. A bit more on the “Homeless” book. And then? One of these days, turning these 4 years into a “rival Stephen King” novel. It most certainly will work. Honestly, it’s been just that and I’m uncomfortable in this state. I’ve said so, am saying so, will continue to say so. There’s something terribly wrong with this state… terribly wrong. – 21.54 IN BED… AT LAST! Not showered, but in bed at last… AND….
THE FUCKING FREAK IS GONE! THE ROOM IS EMPTY (EVEN TO THE PICTURES ON THE WALLS! BOB WENT CRAZY IN THERE YESTERDAY!) EMPTY, EMPTY! AS OF APPROXIMATELY 19.00 THIS EVENING, THE FREAK ARRIVED IN A CAR, BROTHER AND NEICE, FRED CAME INTO THE HOUSE, GRABBED WHAT-EVER WAS HERE, INCLUDING CHICA, THE FREAK SIGNED A DOCUMENT STATING THAT HE HAS TAKEN ALL OF HIS POSSESSIONS AND HAS NO REASON TO RETURN, HAS GIVEN HIS KEYS… AND, BOB AND STOOD OUT FRONT (which is decorated for Halloween today) AND WATCHED THE CAR DRIVE DOWN THE ROAD INTO THE DISTANCE. GONE. GONE. GONE. I wish I could say that I’m completely relieved, but as I said to Bob: 75% is relieved, 25% wonders what shit is coming… I don’t, some-how, believe that this is “over”. But, it’s as Bob said that their lawyer told him: The freak’s used this experience as more education. He’ll pull worse in future… and god help the next one in the queue because he’s got MORE information to use against others. – Well THE FUCKING FREAK IS GONE, GONE, GONE!!!
The bad part of all of this: ***THE STATE REFUSES TO PRESS THE CHARGES OF “ASSAULT” AGAINST THE FREAK!!! THE FUCKING STATE! THE SAME FUCKING STATE THAT WANTED TO PRESS “EMBEZZLEMENT” AGAINST ME! FUCK THIS STATE***
A few “notes” on the matter that I need to include here because they’re “typical” of the bull-shit that I’ve had to deal with for EVERY ONE of the 4 years in this fucking Hell-hole. This afternoon as I was preparing to decorate the pit and the front yard, Jada, from the store, started chatting in the back yard. Of course, it began with asking about my progress with my application to the PO and to tell me that the Highgate Springs office is now listed for new PSEs. The chat then turned to the events of this pit. I figure that it’s best that people in town know of THAT progress, hopefully to take the edge off of the matter and perhaps, put their minds at ease when it comes to B&L. So I discussed today’s latest. Well, SHE tells me that the freak has been using the store telephone to make calls! (I learnt later that the freak told Bob that the store wouldn’t allow that. Ah… the lies these “things” do tell here… typical and common shits that they are). Well! Jada KNEW, already, of Lyle’s over-dose! (Even Bob was quite surprised by that.) And then came along the following:
The freak was boasting that Bob had given it a “wedding ring”. (Bob later rather confirmed that he HAD bought a ring, but dismissed it with the statement “It’s NOT a ‘wedding’ ring.” Well… there we have that. One doesn’t buy a ‘ring’ for such bull-shit. But, that’s not my monkey.)
The freak had been boasting of owning a house in BTV… but when asked why it didn’t just go back there, it claimed that it had “given the house to” it’s family. The story changed to suit a purpose.
Allegedly, there is/was a “porn video” posted to the internet of Bob with the 2 from Newport. (Bob later confirmed that there were pictures out there of the 3 of them “playing” in the tent when they’d come to the house one of their week-ends. Well, that sort of shit shouldn’t be on the internet in the first place but, again… none of my business.)
The claim that the freak made, in the store, was that it was “taken” from its home in BTV and brought up here “for” me! FOR me?!? Well shit!
The freak had, only last week, said, aloud, in the store, that BEFORE IT LEFT THIS HOUSE, IT WAS GOING TO KILL LYLE! SAID SO, ALOUD, IN THE STORE!
BUT THEN *I* got pulled into the fray….
*I* was to have begun a petition to get Lyle out of town.
*I* was plotting against the freak with B&L as we all sat together drinking wine. (Even Jada said: We’ve seen them having their parties and picnics in the yard and nobody’s EVER seen you participating in ANY of that. You always do the work around the yard to get it ready but nobody’s ever seen you enjoy any of the parties.”
And then Jada referred to me as “Switzerland”… the only “neutrality” in the whole place.
Well… THAT all having come out, I am even MORE determined to get the fuck out of this house, town, village… STATE!!! Fuck ME! I remain distant from the bull-shit and, as has been the case ALL through the years I’ve been here, right from the beginning, *I* get PULLED and DRAWN into this bull-shit. I DO want and need OUT AND AWAY!!! Fuck these in-breeds… these pathetic, antagonistic in-breeds.
But it rather made it clearer why, as I decorated the house today, the young gal who was at the store, came over (bare-foot in the cold) and calmly asked how I’d come to know the Gs and “So it’s just coincidence that you happen to be Gay too.” So, MY PERSONAL life is known to the town? Yes, indeed… time to get the news around that I’m pissed about the spread of gossip that includes me in it AND for me to get the jolly fuck out and away!!! INDEED… TIME TO LEAVE THIS MANURE PIT IN THE DISTANCE!
Meanwhile…. for all it’s worth….
The good news is that the state isn’t pressing the “Disturbance of the peace” against Lyle either. Still… I hate this place and need to get the fuck out. And as a note: I have NO doubts at all that I’m to be the next target in Lyle’s tantrums. But now that I see how far I can get… Oh well… the education isn’t only the freak’s… it’s been mine as well. – OK, that said… the day: The front lawn is decorated. My “6ft ghouls are out” as is the little “skull ghost”. THAT required FOUR FIVE trips up that aluminium ladder! First two to put up the fishing line that wasn’t strong enough.. and then wouldn’t tighten enough. Second two, to put up the wire fishing line which worked quite well, indeed. Last trip… to put the ghost up. Ah.. and then, from the ground, to twist the ghost round to face AWAY from the house. But… it’s up, the ghouls are out there and tomorrow I’ll “stake”them in. Right now, they’re fine just stuck in by the spokes on the tomato cages but in a heavy wind… Well, that’s tomorrow. – I went over to Jacquie’s for hot dogs dinner and Bob rang to ask me to be at he house when the freak got here. I’d already told Jacquie that I thought I should be. And so, I just stood there as Fred pulled the shit out of the house, I signed as witness to the freak’s statement and that was that. We both came into the house for a smoke, Bob had chicken patties and asked if I’d like any (and I truly didn’t). Then we had a smoke and wrapped the night up. – I’m having my tea, a little browse and DONE! I got nothing done on the book today so tomorrow I’ll be on that!! But tonight, even my body is weak from fatigue. –

Thu.22.Oct: 6.38 YES! I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but… a “normal” hour to wake! I was up at about 4.00 this morning, but went back to sleep. It would have been better to wake then, but, I dozed and well, here I am. – Coffee and smoke too!
NOTE: along with this morning’s usual “anxiety attack” of “I’ve got to get out of here!!!”, THIS morning is a great indicator of the results of these past month (or this year): I’d put the light on over the bed, of course, and left the door open when I went for the smoke. Coming back up the stairs, there was a “glow” in the hall up-stairs and my inner response was “It’s awake!” The freak. Of course, the freak’s not here, that room is completely empty, and the door is closed. I know this. It’s a fact. But the remnants of that presence is part of the psyche… and it’s not good. This shit has taken a toll.
Other-wise… it’s warm out and raining. Well, this will show how well the “ghouls” will with-stand the rain. And, it being dark and rainy, another part of the past is still very much present: the 4.30 bicycle commute to E.Fairfield that Summer… in the rain. It too, creates anxieties. This having been in this state has taken, and is taking, quite the toll on this old brain. – OK. 6.45. I can catch-up with this journal this morning, there are notes for yesterday that I want to complete, and get into the book. Maybe… MAYBE I can get caught up with that as well since I’m now 20 pages behind. Lettuce prey. – 7.10 got the journal done… time to get the day begun. But with the addition of yesterday’s “Gossip News”, my mood is already, this morning, sour, and I begin, as usual over these 4 years: angry! – 22.35 Lyle is back. I ate spaghetti dinner with them this evening because Lyle’s voice choked when he asked me to join them. He hugged me after dinner! (Well… that’s now… we’ll see what’s to come.) – Working on some notes I dropped in here… – Lyle mentioned today, that Social Security CUT his income in HALF when he got to be 65. HALF! From 800 to 400/month! Honestly, I wonder how in HELL, this country sees that that’s a fit income for anybody. Granted, he seldom, if ever, paid into it. But still… how shitty. He mentioned that it cut a car payment out of their income. This country… this world today. – I note too, that his attitude is still the same as ever: always angry and demanding. He’s not learnt to temper the temper. Still spoiled. AND, now the big thing is: anything that he can’t find immediately is “stolen”. “That son of a bitch took my…..” Twice already this evening, he started with that line and what-ever he was looking for was found. This is going to be like this for quite the while, I see. Annoying. To be expected, perhaps, but annoying none-the-less. It’s dealing with a child.. annoying. – Well, I got invited to dinner with them at table this evening. Lyle asked, with a bit of a crack in his voice, so, rather than continue the situation that’s just ended, I accepted and had a little spaghetti with them. Just enough to say I ate with them. I mentioned that I’d told the freak that I don’t break bread with people I hate… and it worked to twist it round to the freak and it went rather well in that respect. Whew! Just in case the freak had said something to them about my statement. – Then, I was off to feed Hallie and while there, I got in a large bowl of rice cereal and half’n’half which was filling and good and quick. There’s much food in the fridge over there, but I went for the cereal. Oh well… – When I left the house, I brought some dog food too… just to make certain that the little ones get food. (Me? Not much concern… but them… they need to eat.) – Funny… so to speak, but when I got back from getting Hallie her dinner this evening, Bob had already changed the lock on the back door. I noticed, when I went to open it that the knob was different. But when I came in, I merely mentioned it, not thinking about the lock and key and he immediately said “Your key is on the table.” I waited for him to hand it to me… He GAVE it to me… I didn’t TAKE it. I prefer it that way. And so… there we have it: this freak has cost them new locks on the doors. What shit! Just, what shit! – GOOD NEWS on the book: I got 18 pages done today! That’s today’s, yesterday’s and 8 pages into tomorrow! It would be a delight if I could keep up with that rate! Pretty good going there. – And I brought my original rocking chair back in from the barn. The high back is more comfortable and better for snoozing as I work on the book at the desk. I’m not thrilled with the arrangement of things in the room right now, but it’s at the point where I don’t much care about that. I don’t pay much attention to it all anyway. It’ll suffice. – And one little note of utter stupidity: FESSES-BOOK BANNED MY *BOOK* ACCOUNT FOR 7 DAYS BECAUSE I REPLIED WITH A COMMENT THAT HAD BEEN POSTED BEFORE: “N166ER”! SOMEBODY IS WATCHING THE ACCOUNT AND SO, WELL, IT WASN’T EVER SUPPOSED TO BE “POLITICS” ON THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT STILL… I’M FED UP WITH PEOPLE IN GENERAL. TO THINK: THE FREAK IS USING B&L’S PHOTOS ON IT’S ACCOUNT AND ALL IS WELL, BUT I RE-PEAT A POST AND *I* GET THIS SHIT? YES, I’M QUITE LIVID AT THE MOMENT. FUCKING SPOILED BRATS. IT’S TIME SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING TO TAKE THAT FESSES-BOOK SHIT DOWN! – Well… I NEED a shower tonight but it will be waiting until tomorrow… Shabbat. And I need to wash the bed linens… and those will probably get done at Jacquie’s tomorrow when I get breakfast for Hallie. I don’t want to use the washer here, not just now. Expenses… I need to watch “their” expenses. – Right now, it’s time for 1 more smoke and sleep… i hope… I jut hope… sleep. Once again, it’s about mid-night as I finish this… once again… LATE!

Fri.23.Oct: 7.36 Dozed after the alarm, but this isn’t too bad, isn’t too late to wake. Just up from a smoke. – Tooth-ache this morning. And to think, Jacquie went to her dentist yesterday and they’re talking root canal. Me? No medical attention. But mine, is the story of my life. Enduring pain. Always pain. – And the anxieties: the month is slipping by. The car. Registration, insurance. The inspection can hold until the end of December. But still… there’s too much to worry about at this juncture. – I think Penny and Bruce are coming up the week-end. Bob was talking with her yesterday and mentioned something about a place to go to for lunch on Saturday. I wonder… I just wonder how that’s going to play out. Well… only way to know is when it happens. – For now, Lyle is asleep. I’ll have to arrange the day to be here… good thing I have the book, and hopefully I’ll be able to keep on as yesterday with the 18 pages. The sooner the book is done, the better, all round. – 11.35 Well it was about 9.45 this morning when the knock on the front door came… accompanied by the barking of the mutts. I got up, looked from the top of the stairs and on the front porch I see “shiny black shoes”… 2 pair. The State police… AGAIN!!! On opening the door “Is Lyle at home?”
Long story to concise: SOME IDIOT IN-BREED FUCKING JUDGE GOT A HOLD OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 21ST, PROBABLY AS THE FUCKING FREAK WAS LEAVING, AND SHE PUT A CONTINUANCE ON IT! FUCK! I DID SAY, ONLY LAST NIGHT: 75% OF ME IS RELIEVED THAT THIS IS OVER AND 25% OF ME EXPECTS MORE. (I TOLD ONE OF THE COPS THIS AND HE SAID “TRUST YOUR GUT.” HOW WELL I KNOW THAT!) Lyle and Bob are now in the court, I hope, getting this settled. Meanwhile, as I tried to add levity and sanity to the other-wise shit-packing that Lyle was trying to give the cops, they took MY name and birth date. I’m LIVIDLY BLINDLY MAD AT THIS JUNCTURE! – mORE DETAILS WHEN i’M MORE AT PEACE TO DO SO. –
I went, gave Hallie her breakfast, her meds and a pee and left. Came back, stripped the bed, tossed the linens and my jammies into the washer. They are just into the dryer. I’ve Hoovered only slightly in the room. It’s going for noon and I’ve got nothing done on the book. As I say: LIVIDLY BLINDLY MAD… NOT ANGRY… MAD. –
21.08 IN BED! SHOWERED! CLEAN LINENS! Peppermint tea at bed-side. Bob AND Lyle are on the recliners in the parlour, snoozing in front of the TV and my door is open slightly, the Montréal Classique on the radio and it’s comfortably warm in the room. – My guts are a bit on the “churning” side though. I went over to give Hallie her dinner at about 18.45 or so and JUST made it to the loo! WATER! Horrible! Just horrible! Hopefully it’s passed. I’m CLEAN! for a change. – It was some kind of day! B&L didn’t get back until well after noon today. I think it was almost 16.00 by the time they came in. (And I had my laundry done, thankfully.) I don’t know the particulars, but Bob said that the letter from the freak cinched the shit for the judge. (Stupid cunt.) Their case is still on the calendar for the 27th but neither of them is planning on being there. This case is for the “Restraining Order” and I think SOMEBODY should be there. But, it’s as I say: Not my monkeys, not my circus. They’ll live and learn, just as some of the rest of us have. But they came in and Bob got right to changing locks. Now there are bolts on both doors and the bolts are the double-key sort. What a fucking shame that they have to go through all of this shit because of that fucking freak. Again… live and learn. Hopefully they’ve learnt I doubt it, but… I know Lyle hasn’t. He’s still holding shit against the police, even after it’s been made clear that they only do their job. I mean, one of the cops this morning said “Vermont has changed.” and he didn’t mean for the better. Oh well. – I had the left-over spaghetti and salmon at Jacquie’s tonight, and I tried to re-constitute a stale pumpernickel bagel with butter and cream cheese… to no avail. Hallie got some on it. I couldn’t even snap it, but she devoured it! – I was back in by about 20.00, glanced a little TV, was invited to join them but (a) my stomach is bad and (b) I won’t be taking the freak’s place. (Oddly, I wasn’t invited to dine tonight. YAY!) – Today I made “Jude” a feses-book presence. “Judah” will be going directly and solely for the book and Homeless issues as well as Mr.G’s and “Otto Didactic”. No more politics on there. I’m pissed. I could use that page for the book and other books too. That’s what it’s staying at. And Jude has blocked most of the questionables from the other pages, including the “family”. Fuck them! I want NO connections there… NONE! – Well… time for a bit of browsing, maybe a few more pages on the book. If I get 2 more pages, I’ll be at par with my 10/day. I’d like to get more and maybe I’ll be able to before I pass out, I don’t know… I’m rather tired though. No munchies tonight. But that’s probably for the best, considering the stomach troubles. – Shabbat… one day, there will be “Shalom” with it. Soon…. I just need to get out of Vermont.

Sat.24.Oct:
FOUR YEARS AGO I WALKED OUT OF A HOMELESS SHELTER IN NYC
RODE THE TRAIN TO THE STORAGE TO GET MY LUGGAGE
BOARDED A PLANE (JET BLUE) WITH A ONE-WAY TICKET TO A PLACE I’D NEVER BEEN IN MY LIFE
FOUR YEARS AGO I CAME TO THIS STATE FOR “A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE”.
FOUR YEARS AGO… “BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE”.
FUCK ME.
0.48 and I’ve done it yet again… knocked me out of sleeping early! Oh well… I think Penny and Bruce will be up tomorrow. I’ll have to be awake when they arrive (and hopefully not even in the pit). In any event, I’m considering finishing the smoke I’d started… considering. Not sure… perhaps yes. Now with the new locks on the doors, I need my key to get out. How fun… locked in. – 8.53 Not NEARLY enough sleep! Not even NEARLY nearly enough. I went down for a last smoke round about 1.00 and B&L were awake. Smoke, chit-chat, and it was 2.00 before coming back up to bed. And I’m feeling it this morning. I slept through the 7.00 alarm, woke on my own, but I feel like total shit this morning. How lovely. But I’ve had coffee and a halfie and in a little while… off and running with the day. I just hope I won’t be invited to attend “lunch”. I don’t want to go with them. I don’t want to be part of all of what’s going on. But I’ve a feeling they’re going to discuss other matters. B. was on the phone yesterday talking about L’s health… insurance or something I imagine. So hopefully it will be personal matters at lunch and I’ll be spared. – Last night, L. asked what the “white” was on the rug in the hall out-side the door here, and B. said “White pepper.” I wonder how he knows. I didn’t tell anybody but Jacquie as I recall. Oh… well. No sense dwelling on it. – On with the morning. – 23.11 In bed at last! AND 30 pages more on the edit are done! I’ve gone from one day behind to 2 days ahead! And I got to the date where I’d met “Jesus” on the street that cold morning. One of THE most memorable highlights of “The Shelter Days”. And with each and every line I edit, it amazes me how very VIVID it is.. still… in my mind, right down to seeing the rooms, the halls, the people. Kriste! I wonder how they all are these days. My heart aches when I think of them.. and wonder. – Well… the day: ONE OF THE CHICKENS GOT KILLED LAST NIGHT! THE RED ONE IS IN THE KITCHEN. THE BLACK ONE IS, FOR ALL I KNOW, ROOSTING ALONE IN THE PINE IN FRONT OF JACQUIE’S. THE BROWNISH ONE, THE OTHER ONE WITH THE CHATTY PERSONALITY, IS NOW GONE. SOMETHING LARGE GOT AT HER, RIPPED HER HIND PART AND PULLED HER LEG OFF! BOTH JACQUIE AND BOB THINK: RACOON OR SKUNK. EITHER WAY, I’M SETTING THE TRAP THAT’S IN THE BARN HERE, TOMORROW. HOPEFULLY THE BLACK AND WHITE HEN WILL BE OK THROUGH THE NIGHT TONIGHT. It’s interesting how it hurts to think of that poor little old hen being torn to shreds and killed. Well, she’s buried, under the pine trees in Jacquie’s back yard tonight. May her spirit run free now, youthful again, the sweet little creature. The yard is empty with-out her… with-out them all. – Hallie got her breakfast and I left shortly after. Though Kerry showed up for a brief while. Says she, she came to check Hallie. Right, as if. Honestly! Oh well.. it’s all “the people here in this state”. – Bob and Lyle went to lunch with Penny and Bruce. I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t even at the house when they’d left. Good, that. – When I came back at about noon, I got right to the book and worked through until it was time to get dinner for Hallie. That too, was rather brief. BUT… I found TWO sweaters in one of the totes in that back bed-room… one is wool the other, cotton. The white cotton one needs a little stitch-work but both will provide great warmth in the coming months! Especially the wool one… It’s a beautiful ski sweater. Hell! It was in the tote, nobody’s claimed it thus far. Rather than it go to the “Salvation Army” or what-have-you, better to serve where it’s needed and appreciated. Jacquie’s so quick to give to the Salvation Army where they’ll charge for it! I put both sweaters through a wash whilst I was at the house this evening, and twice through the extra spin cycle so they’re relatively dry, hanging on the closet door to dry through the night. I’m quite happy about them. Thank you “World”. – Meanwhile, I listened to the “Tallis Scholars” as I worked, and Chanticleer too. It was a productive and peaceful evening-into-night. – Since the other two slept earlier this evening, they’re washing the bed linens now… at this hour. And I can hear the bloody TV. Honestly. I think of my description of me when I first got here. I stressed “clean” and “quiet”. Oh well. At least it’s not an every night thing. Hopefully they’ll be “out of it” soon enough. Besides, I have a bit more browsing to do with my evening tea before I pass out. – Meanwhile, the wind is WHIPPING out there tonight. I saw my “ghost” slide across the wire. It works! Hopefully it’ll stand through until Halloween! And tomorrow, I want to make one more, for the North side of the front of the house. The ghosts are fun! And I got a length of that white “fabric” today. Perhaps I’ll think of a way to illuminate some of this before Halloween. Or… not. Decorating is a diversion from the reality of this place. And as long as I “do for” the place, I should think that nobody will come after me with that line “You owe us a lot of money”. Although, in this house with these two… it’s still very much possible – But the wind, as I say, is whipping about out there… and as I work on my journal of the days-Homeless and in the shelter… I am here, under many blankets, one of which I MADE (the afghan), with a mattress-warmer, in a dry and comfortable room. – FOUR FUCKING YEARS IN THIS STATE! AND IT’S PAST THE DUE DATE FOR DEPARTURE! I WANT TO GO BACK TO NY FROM WHENCE I CAME… AND WHERE I DO BELONG.

Sun.25.Oct: 0.14 Quiet house and I’m lights out! – 8.48 and … awake. Cloudy. 40°F on the barn thermo. And it feels “warm”. Already the body has adjusted to the cold to come and this feels “”warm”. – Restless sleep most of the night. Congested for some reason. Slept through two alarms again this morning. – L. is in the parlour, B. is in bed. We all turned-in at about mid-night last night. Oh well. And now, in an hour… the day, for me, commences. Ms. Hallie’s breakfast. But after getting 30 pages of the book done yesterday, I’m looking forward to another 30 today. MUST get that book done and out. – Oh well. – My brain is in “idle” at the moment. So… nothing more to say here except: normal morning anxieties. “Normal”. – 12.04 Back from a morning of Ms.Hallie and the chicken shit in the kitchen at Jacquie’s. Whilst I was out-of-pit, the dogs got bathed and the place got Hoovered and there’s a chili in the crock-pot and I’m hoping to be gone if/when the “in-laws” arrive. – The decorations out front were toppled in last night’s 90km winds. But no damage. Thankfully. I should go to the barn and get the trap for the chicken-killer but I want to get more done on the book and I’m hoping for a silent after-noon of working on it. I mean, really… everybody thinks this is folly… I do NOT! And “Adrian” from fesses-book wants to translate it into Polish? Hey! This COULD be something. I don’t know what, but “something”. – It’s going to be a “tough” day of attending to “me”, but that’s just about every day these days. I so need to get out, away and never look back. – 18.41 and dinner is done, B. is in the room across the hall (no longer the “freak’s room” thankfully), Hoovering. He and L. were busy all day today, cleaning the house. It’s rather cute, in a way… them… cleaning. Almost as if they’re trying to clean away every remaining trace of the Hell we’ve all been through. – The day went along rather peaceful though. This morning, at about 10.00, I went to give Ms. Hallie her breakfast and meds. Whilst there, I managed to find and repair a pair of old, painty cover-alls which, again, would have gone to waste but are now here, with me. Just a little something more to protect and keep me warm in the months to come. Especially for work in the barn… should there be a need for that. Do I feel at all “guilty” for anything? No, not in the least. As I say, they’d probably be tossed into the trash. HEY! I’m not proud! Besides, they’re something I’ve rather wanted for many years, and these are already “broken-in”. (I do wonder what Cecil’s spirit must be thinking… if there is such a thing. Oh well… I should think he should be complimented… indeed!) – I spent the day, seriously, for the most part, working on the book. As it stands at this very moment: I got another THIRTY PAGES DONE today! 38% of it is done with the editing! (I’m doing percentages now.) It’s up to 644 page long though. I hope I’ll be able to work with them in PDF and to put it all up for sale at this size. I have to put a “Table of Contents” in this edition, along with some images. THIS is going to be QUITE the book! I might even put it out for Kindle… at a considerably higher price, but with a different title and cover. We shall see when the time comes. – At about 14.28 today, L came to the door to ask if I’d like to join them watching a movie AND to tell me that they’re having roast beef for dinner and would like me to join them. I declined the movie because of working on the book and hesitantly accepted dinner I DIDN’T WANT TO DINE WITH! I’m still not comfortable with that… taking their food. But at 17.30, he came all the way back up to say that dinner was ready and I did go. Pot roast and… AMBROSIA CORN on the cob! SO DELICIOUS! And as I ate, I couldn’t help but think: ALL THAT FUCKING WORK ALL SUMMER, IN THE HEAT, MANUAL LABOUR, WEEDING AND FEEDING AND THREE FUCKING EARS OF CORN! Seriously? Fukall. But it was delicious and they cooked MUCH more than they needed. Perhaps I’ll have another ear… cold… at some point. I don’t know. Hey! I grewed it! It’s not like I’m taking from them… I suppose. – Anyway, I didn’t make it to the store for “munchies” today so there won’t be any of those at bed-time tonight. If anything, a hot dog roll with some sugar on it with my tea later. Better than nothing. – At about 18.00 this evening, I strolled over to Jacquie’s with a trace hope of apple pie. She’d baked before she left for work on Thursday… the pie was on the counter. I didn’t touch it. In fact, I didn’t eat much over there at all this week-end. But, she wasn’t at home. I remembered, there’s a “dinner at the big church” this evening. I’m supposing she and Jes and Kerry are there. Oh well… no prob. I don’t want anybody to have the opportunity to call me a “leech”. – And so, here I sit, on my high-back rocker, in the wool sweater I salvaged and washed yesterday. Thank you Cecil, for keeping me warm. Honestly, thank you for keeping me warm… in more ways than one. – OH!!!! I have to add: I was sitting here quietly, with the door open, when I noticed the light in the room across the hall going on. My gut wrenched! When I went to tell Bob about it, he laughed. In the movie they were watching earlier, there was a little “yippie” dog and he said that when he heard it, he had the panic “NO! IT CAN’T BE BACK!” I told him, what we’re suffering right now is classic “PTSD”! I say this here because he’s done Hoovering and apparently putting the bed back in that room and trying to inflate the mattress and the sound of THAT TOO sends nerves to spasm. Indeed… PTSD… CLASSIC! THIS is going to take some time to move away from. (And to think, I’m working on the book and re-living THAT at the same time. Oh… you know? If it would just kill me out-right I wouldn’t mind… even leaving the book behind. Hell… there’s one version… the “original” out there. So the “Truth” is available for the world, as it is.) – 23.27 Time for sleep here! I want to be up on time to see Jacquie before she hits the road for her next trip (and I have to wash the kitchen!) But, I’ve done much on the book today… even plugged in pseudonyms for this text. THAT was a bit of work. But worth the effort. Aside from that, I’m having my tea and off to sleep I hope. – One bit in closing: Lyle asked me to type-up a notice for the front door. He’d wanted it painted on a board but (a) I don’t want to and (b) it’s a lot of work for stupidity. He believes it’s going to be part of the little “fortress” he believes he’s building here with all the new locks on the doors. (dead-bolts and door-knobs on the front and back… and he wants BARS over all of the first floor windows. I don’t know if it’s general insanity or if there’s actually been some kind of psychological “damage” from all the the freak’s bullshit but…) There’s now a printed sign on the window of the front door that reads:

NOTICE
DUE TO RECENT CIRCUMSTANCES
WE WILL NO LONGER RECEIVE SPONTANEOUS AND/OR UNANNOUNCED VISITS.
PLEASE CALL IN ADVANCE
AND IF WE DEEM THE PURPOSE
OF YOUR VISIT TO BE
NON-THREATENING
TO THE WELL-BEING OF
THIS HOME’S RESIDENTS
A PREARRANGED TIME FOR YOUR VISIT WILL BE SCHEDULED.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND COOPERATION
This one’s pulling the “drama” shit WAY out into places no drama has ever been before. People are a total mess. They truly are. But… “spoiled brat”… never had to actually face “Life”… until now. Still, that freak truly should be locked-up in a “secure facility” and taken out of circulation. But that’s not how this state handles that type… they let THEM run free… and kick the rest of us in the face. Fucking retards… border to border… VT.

Mon.26.Oct: 7.36 HORIBLE NIGHT LAST NIGHT! THE COUGHING FITS ARE RETURNING! I haven’t had one like this since the Shelter! 2.00 this morning, uncontrollable. Horrible. And this morning, I just feel as if a truck had been parked on me all night. I wonder… I wonder… I wonder. I’ve no time for illness. I just have no time for such nonsense. Oh well. – I have to get me together soon. I don’t now what time Jacquie’s leaving and I should see her before. And even that’s not such a “priority”. But, in about an hour I’ll stroll over. – Got a voice message from her last evening: beer with Jes and Kerry. How nice. She’d called at just about 18.00, Oh well… I didn’t miss anything. – Cold again this morning. I have to make certain to start the car. – 22.05 FINALLY IN BED! – Today went along as… I toddled over to Jacquie’s at about 10.00 and met Kerry who dropped by for a bit. Jacquie was in the shower so we both left for a bit. By 11.00 we were both back and having coffee with Jacquie… briefly. Kerry left, I confirmed that Jacquie is leaving tomorrow, not today, and will be back ever so briefly on Thursday to go to work. And then I left to come back to the house. – Well, I went over at about 13.30 to chat and such. Nobody at home. So… SO… well… there was a dead chicken in the kitchen and she required burial, so I got Mme. Poulet properly buried and sanitised the floor where she was. She was my favourite hen, the one who spoke with me. Terrible. But she died in her sleep, warm in the house. Sweet little thing. I still wonder what happened to her though and between her and the other hen, it gave me what I needed to get and set the trap for what-ever attacked them! As I say, I wouldn’t think of trapping, but in this case, I’m angry. I don’t know what, if anything, will come of the trap, but what-ever it is… it needs to GO. I’m not sure “how”, but it needs to GO! And it WILL! – I came back to the pit and put together another little “ghost”. Ran a wire from the room window to the lilac bush and attached the “ghost” to it. Not bad. Not my “best work”. But not bad at all. Shit! These folks should be glad I take any interest in “their” property at all… especially after the HELL I’ve been through.. and all because they procrastinated with getting rid of that FREAK! AND… for the weeks they were away… I, essentially, monitored their “house and home”. Oh well… that’s then… the past… done. – So it wasn’t until almost 15.00 before I got back to the book and I focused on that for the rest of the after-noon. – At about 16.00, B. returned from work and started putting in the new locks on the front door. At some point, L. came to the room to invite me to “chicken pattie sandwiches”. I declined because of the work I need to do on the book. No argument. I suppose he understood or… it meant more food for them. What-ever. I DO need to keep up with this book! – As it stands, with the book, by the end of this “work-day” I got 12 more pages done. I’m up to 40% through! But, the “bad news” is that I think I’m working on the really “raw” edit and there’s going to be A LOT of WORK to be done when I get toward the end. I’ll HAVE to see if I can’t find the published version if that’s the case and merge the two. Oh well… when I get there… I still can’t find the images of the sketches from the original note-book and that keeps my blood boiling and my gut curdled. I will be reminded of how I “trusted” others and to NEVER be so damned stupid that way… EVER again! Just another “grudge” to take with me when I leave this world. – At about 18.00 I stopped my work and strolled back to Jacquie’s. She was getting stuff ready… off to Jes and Kerry’s for a light dinner of left-overs and beer and apple pie and tea. It was, as usual, a delight. I like chatting with them and, I learnt that Jes is rather “conservative” politically, Kerry is rather happy with Trudeau making the PM in Canada. So it all made for interesting chat. At one point, we were discussing street names in Montréal and I mentioned “St-Zotique” and Kerry asked how that’s spelled. When I started with “zed” she was rather amazed. And so… the evening went along and we discussed SO much politics and language and Canadian history. Jes’s first visit to MTL was in 1976, round about the same as mine! Oh… and Kerry… born in ’57! Ca ce peut tu? – We left at about 20.30 and I walked Jacquie back to her house. She’s planning on leaving for her “road trip” tomorrow at about 9.00 and will be gone until Thursday when she’ll return and then leave for work for the week-end. I’ll have the house for almost the complete week. How charming. (The bad thing is that I’m sure there’ll be talk about L. being left alone in the house and I’ll be expected to baby-sit. But what-ever… we shall see what we shall see.) – So I came back to the pit round about 22.00… with half an apple pie… which I’ve managed to devour already. Of particular note: the dogs didn’t bark when I came in! How NICE! – Well, it’s 22.10 now. I’m off to do a little “browsing” on the soc.med., if I can, another page of the book and then…. TO BED AND HOPEFULLY TO SLEEP! – So much for yet, another day in this shit-hole state. Oh! To be away. – I checked my “status” for the post office job at St-Albans: I’m still on as “Pre-hire”. Seriously? I’ll bet Dan Richard isn’t even considering me. From the looks of it, he’s trying to dodge me too now. Oh well… setting sights on New York! NO PROB! I’d really rather get back there anyway.

Tue.27.Oct: 6.32 After yet ANOTHER night of PAIN PAIN PAIN!!! The right side, teeth, upper AND lower, woke me this morning. Such PAIN! I was fine when I’d finally drifted to sleep. And even that was horrific because I just couldn’t shut my brain off! Shortly after I’d done some notes for the day, I put the lights out. I just couldn’t get to sleep! Then, after I had, the PAIN woke me again last night/this morning. I don’t know what it is! – Anyway, I’m awake now. Plans are to drop by at Jacquie’s before she leaves at about 9.00 and then… This week, I’m going to get to her kitchen ceiling and walls. HOPEFULLY this won’t be TOO difficult. There’s a LOT of washing to be done over there. I wish she’d listened to me and gotten just the javel. But, we’ll see how the “Clean-Up” works. A LOT of work… but she said to keep track of the hours and she’ll pay 15$ per. Oh, I don’t know. Let’s see. Hey! I’ve got registration and insurance at 270$ all due by end of November. And it doesn’t look like the post office is going to be of any help for that. Fuckers. – A new day. Old anxieties. – Now, off to browse and to the book! I’ve got an early start this frosty, rather bitter minus3° morning. – 9.40 and just back from Jacquie’s. They’re on the road. I got there just as her Maryrose arrived and with-in seconds, the “chores” began. Honestly, how these people will take NO responsibility for the affairs that are “theirs”. On my list is the printer ink, sending e-mails and the likes. But… me? I moved the car off the road for the next couple of days. The engine sounds well, and there’s the slightest “grinding” noise as it rolls. Hopefully it will hold until I can get repairs… and all the other necessities. – Meanwhile, L. is in the loo. Hopefully he’ll go back to bed for a while and I can get some “work” done this morning. – Now… to catch-up with yesterday’s “notes” and on to the book! – 10.07 L. is out of a shower, hasn’t noticed that I’m in the room, I suspect. But I wonder what’s on his agenda (which will, no doubt, become “my” agenda some-how) for the day. Maybe a doctor appointment? That would be nice. But “peace”… for me? Hardly! – 20.06 WHAT a FUCKING DAY! TO begin with, I’ve been working on a raw edit of the book and only this evening, found the PUBLISHED edition! So… I had to merge what I’ve one into the published, and that not only reduced the number of pages, but wasted pretty much the day’s work-hours. Well… back to the drawing board. The images will take more space in the long run. – The court hearing for B&L? This fucking state is a mental institution. The freak showed! Got the Restraining Order put through for the remainder of the 1 year term… BUT… it’s not here at the house… it’s 300ft around him. Fucktard. AND…. he wants to be put back into this house! Honestly! A Restraining Order AND wants to return to the house? He claimed he signed the Vacate “under duress”. Yeah… I want in on the court hearing on that one! I’ll sue the shit-bag for time, travel, aggravation, and anything else I can throw in. – Next item: Jada at the store went for her interview with Dan… says she, he says he had 7 interviews… did 3 yesterday and 4 today… I was not one of them. I’m out of St-Albans now! – I WANT OUT OF THIS STATE! NOW! I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS INSANITY AND BULL-SHIT… GENERAL FUCKERY, THIS PLACE. – And so, I go to give Ms. Hallie here dinner and let her out after and something told me to go to the end of the drive and there… the State Police at the house again! So… I made “busy” with the corn stalks that needed some tying and such and waited to see who came out of this pit. One cop… then end. When I came in this evening, I was told about the Restraining Order and how nice the cop was, giving B&L some pointers and tips on how to respond to this shit. And order of “No Trespass” to be served on the freak! That way, if he puts foot on the property… “Criminal Trespass”! They’re going for it tomorrow. Its about time. – I’m having glazed donuts and peppermint tea now. Sugar me into a coma for the night. Borrowed Jacquie’s “Aleve PM” too. Hopefully no pains tonight? –

Wed.28.Oct: 7.52 THE PAIN THE PAIN THE PAIN!!! THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY HEAD! UPPER AND LOWER TEETH FEEL AS IF THEY’RE GOING TO BLW OUT OF MY JAW! Even with the “Aleve”. I’d no sooner put the light out and head onto the pillows and THE PAIN!!! HORRIBLE! TERRIBLE! INTENSE! It’s getting worse instead of better. THE PAIN! I was looking forward to simply falling asleep, sleeping through the night. But the PAIN! And I can’t think of anything that would cause it. – And this morning, it’s chilly in the room. Not horribly cold, but chilly. And I truly don’t want to do anything but go back to sleep. And there’s the ever-so slightest remnants of… THE PAIN! I wonder what it’s from. – And the senselessness of this situation with the law here. Restraining Order. No trespass Order. Senseless. That freak should be under psych. It SHOULD be locked-up! And yet, all through this state, the idiots run free. “Free Range Idiots”. And they can cross the state lines! What in Hell’s name is wrong with this place? Just what? – Back to the book. I’ll be happier when it’s done. I suppose. – Today, I should get started on washing Jacquie’s kitchen. Hopefully I’ll be able to at least begin that today. – And the car. Insurance. Registration. Then inspection. Repairs. No work. I have to find a job! I have to get out of this state. And I’m thinking that maybe I should “close my eyes and free-fall”. Just GO! And hope that all ends well. I’m thinking. (And I wonder if what-ever it is that’s causing the PAIN will cause insanity. A tumour? Oh well.) – This fucking lap-top is fucking up of late. The touch-pad is screwed. I suppose I’m expecting too much from this piece of shit that’s given me trouble from the beginning… and was a point of contention even back to the “Richford Days”. Toshiba… what a piece of utter shit. It’s making journalling a pain in the arse… and the book as well. – My “life”… misery. – 11.24 Ms.Hallie and Mme. Blanche Noir have been served breakfast. I thought I’d start washing the kitchen, but, not today. Not in the mood. Really. One of those “If I don’t do it, nobody takes responsibility for their own shit” days. So, I’m back in the room, in the pit, L. is asleep in the parlour, coffee water on the boil and I’m back into the book. Just pissed off at and with Creation this morning. Not in the mood. – 21.33 and I’m in bed! About an hour ago now, I took TWO “AlevePM” tablets. Let’s see how that plays out when I try for sleep tonight! I can only hope. – As for the day? Well… the book is down to 363 pages from the 600-some in the “wrong” version and yet, I’m now 22 pages done today and 44% done! Catching up here! And I can’t wait to get to the additions of the images! I hope this turns out well in PDF and sells this time around. – It was a rainy sort of day all day and WINDY! So windy that it blew the heaviest “ghoul” right over, and ripped the base for one of their flags right off the porch pole! Weather says this is remnants of the recent hurricane that started in, of all places, Mexico. Imagine that… it crosses land and comes on that strong here. Well… tomorrow, there’s “recovery” work to be done. No prob! Saturday is the holiday and by Sunday, it’ll be down, done and gone… perhaps into the barn… for next year (HAHAHAH! I will NOT be here next year and nobody in this pit will decorate so… I’ll leave them in there anyway… up-stairs.) – I did get to Ms. Hallie this morning and once during the day and again for dinner. I didn’t stay long though. And this evening, I was “invited to dine” again, and accepted this time. Chicken pot pie… only one, with boiled potato… only one. But it was fine. There are lamb chops in the fridge over at Jacquie’s but I’m hoping to have them on Friday night.. hoping that she doesn’t toss them in the meanwhile. She’ll be back at some time tomorrow and then off to work for the week-end. I’m planning on laundry and a shower this week too. I could use the shower, indeed. – Other than that, i spent the day working on the book and L. spent the day dozing on and off. It was so nicely quiet in the room. A bit on the “chilly” side, but nice enough to get those 22 pages edited! – 21.43 and I’m actually feeling rather snoozy. I HOPE THIS SHIT WORKS! It was a brand new bottle so, when I opened it… I suppose now it’s mine. PLEASE let it stop the pain tonight!! – Note: Still no word on the PO job in St-Albans. I’m on the Shit List, I’m positive of that. – Well then… the Aleve isn’t making me THAT sleepy, but I think I’ll go for one last smoke, come up and try a bit of browsing and get to sleep (I HOPE) before 23.00.

Thu.29.Oct: 5.42 Yes indeed, awake. But those Aleve? They worked! 2 of them. I’d only just barely gotten through my e-mails and a very quick browse through one fesses-book account and… I HAD to put out thelight and head to pillow and… OUT… FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT! I SLEPT! It HAD to be before 22.00! And I slept through the entire night! HOW WONDERFUL! – This morning, only moments ago, the dogs were barking! And barking! and barking…. I finally got up, went to the top of the stairs in the dark, looking out the front door, I saw nobody there and then heard the door-bell ring. Not seeing anybody there, I came back into the room to look for a car out front. Only Bob’s. The first thought that came to my mind was that the freak had found a way to get back into town! So I started back to the front door, plotting and planning on what I’d do if it was there. Poor L. got up before I got to the door. Well, we both headed down the stairs and I suddenly noticed a set of keys in the upper key-lock. And yes, there stood B. out front. He’d locked himself out. Well! Quite the relief, that was! So he got his keys, we chuckled and he was off to work. – L. commented that this hurricane has given him a sinus head-ache and went back to bed. Me? I’ve decided to take advantage of this half hour extra this morning and to stay awake. So I’ve had my coffee and smoke and am on with the day. I’d like to go back to sleep but you know? It’s nice to be awake at this almost normal hour. Yes, it’s more time to be anxious… about the situation with the car, but I can get more done with the book now too! So there. – I must have gotten about 8 hours of sleep ast night… SLEEP! How wonderful! – It’s still over-cast this morning, and quite wet. But it feels quite warm out there too. As if the “hurricane” has pulled the warm air from the South, up this far to the North. I’m not complaining. No ice! And “no ice” is a good morning. Soon enough, “ice” will be the morning. No rush. – 5.55 Météo says it’s 12° going up to 16°! And there are MORE days of 16° coming! This, after we’ve already had minus temperatures. Well! It’s going to prove an interesting Winter this year. – 21.52 Notes on the book…. only 11 pages thus far today, but I have to say that the re-LIVING is getting HEAVY! I’m not just remembering the events as I go along. In my mind’s eye, I’m THERE AGAIN, from the offices to the sounds in the halls. THERE. NOT just remembering, and it’s taking a toll because, by the time I finish just the writing, I’m as exhausted today as I was then. The rest of this will be interesting. The first time round was merely checking for spelling, grammar and a few other things. But none of it really required any memories… THIS version is memories… and the memories are alive. – On other fronts, in other news, I got to Hallie for breakfast by 9.00 this morning and was back at the pit by about 10.30 for more work on the book. Napped from 13-13.30. I have to nap when working on the book. – After I woke from the nap, I went down for a smoke with the dogs and, looking through the yards I noticed that Jacquie was home! 16.00 and she was still at home. I went over to make sure that she was OK and she said that she had coverage for the afternoon. So I came back to the pit to work more on the book. – This evening, I was invited to “dine” here… I did, had 1 slice of pizza with and then came back up to work more on the book. – At about 18.00, I went back over to the house, on the off-chance that nobody was there for Hallie but Jacquie was… and she prepared dinner… lamb chops! DEElish! (The good part is: I ate. The bad part is: I got something stuck in my teeth and the way they’re causing me trouble of late…) – Well, Jacquie headed off to work at about 20.00 and I came back to the pit. – Took the Aleve at about 20.30 It’s 21.56 and the nightly pain is beginning… and so too, my sinuses!!! – Tomorrow I have to climb up the front of the house to repair the wind damage to the ghost and to repair the ghouls. The wind did quite a bit to them… taking a toll. Even now, I can hear it howling up the road and against the house. Quite strong tonight. Thankfully it’s not bitter cold, but the temperature is dropping. – L. is in the parlour, we just came in from “last smoke”. He had trouble un-locking the top lock on the back kitchen door when we went out and immediately started whining that it wasn’t working. Jeezus Kriste! He didn’t know to push the door a bit as he turned the key! Serious trouble with that one… to be sure. But the whining! Fuuuuuck! – Oh… I checked my status with the St-Albans P.O. and I’m STILL on “pre-hire”. WTF? I expect I’ll be on “Not Selected” by tomorrow. They’re ALL a bunch of fuck-tard liars around here. Have been since the day I arrived in this state. Bleating, bloody fucktard liars… the entire lot… no exceptions. Oh well… – I’m just hoping for sleep tonight… restful sleep. Tomorrow’s plans are to make a wash at Jacquie’s. She won’t be back now until Monday evening since she’s going to Montréal and Laval with her Maryrose. Me? I need to get to Hannaford’s at some point for food for me for here. AND I need to wash the kitchen ceiling and walls over there! – Well… it’s already 21.59, a little time for a little bit of browsing on the internet and then, hopefully, to sleep. Tea is made at bed-side… Call this one a “wrap”.

Fri.30.Oct: 6.43 Another delightful night of sleep.. thanks to the Aleve. And another morning of damp but not too cold. But, one more day to this month and then? A month of anxieties… the car. If stress causes cancer, I should be long dead. – Well.. time to use this morning. The book, some browsing and then… laundry day. Never a day with nothing to do. I suppose that’s what gets me through. – 21.20 I am in bed. I am in a CLEAN bed! I am in my jammies. I am in my CLEAN jammies! I have shaved! I have SHOWERED! (ALL of this was accomplished at Jacquie’s this afternoon and evening.) It is SHABBAT! AND ALL IS CLEAN! (I have also taken 2 AlevePM, just in case.) – Today, I… got Ms. Hallie her breakfast at 9.30 and whilst there, threw the bed linens and jammies into the washer. Whilst the wash washed I climbed the ladder TWICE AGAIN to replace the ghost on the front of the house/pit. The wire had SNAPPED! Oh well, so much for THAT… (genius that I am). – Went back to put the clothes into the dryer and hung-about in the house with Ms. Hallie until they were dry. Came back to the pit of oblivion and L. was just waking at about 11.30 so I tossed the sort-of-folded linens on the bed (un-made) and
got to the book to get to… 49% of the book done! – When he woke, L.. came over to the room… to read me a message he received from their atty ASKING THE FREAK’S ATTY FOR PERMISSION TO SERVE AN ORDER OF “NO TRESPASS”… *ASKING PERMISSION!* THIS STATE IS FUCKED BEYOND DESCRIPTIVES – At about 17.00 I was back at the house to give Ms.Hallie her dinner and to put my clothes into the washer and to have dinner of a whole jar of my “Winter Borscht” which was WONDERFULLY SUPERBE! – “Dinners” done, I washed the dishes there and then….. TOOK MY SHOWER!!! A NICE CLEAN SHOWER! Did the clothes-wash, did the dry (even the cheap slippers from Walmart last year), sent an image to Jacquie’s religious company in MTL via e-mail so it will be there on Monday for her and sent Jacquie her evening report. Browsed a bit on fesses-book and at about 20.45 came back to the pit where to find B. sacked on the sofa and L getting a snack.
NOBODY HAD LET THE DOGS OUT THIS EVENING! *I* had to take them out! The poor little critters! Dixie bounced to get out and as soon as she was out… she shat! These fuckers with their dogs… here and at the house! – I brought some Halloween candy over and am having with my tea… this day is fucking DONE!
SHABBAT SHALOM!
(it had better be… I haven’t stopped “doing” all fucking day! I’m fed-up!)

Sat.31.Oct: 8.29 The sun is shining and the barn thermo is reading about 18F. There’s frost on everything, even a rather heavy frost on the lilac bush outside the window, glittering in the sun. I heard the 7.00 alarm, turned it off and half-dozed until about 8.00. Coffee. Smoke. RUSH to the loo! The borscht is kicking in and I’m running out of toilet paper! I thought I’d be back to work before this happened. And October comes to a close. November is about here. And the car: reigstration, insurance, I thought I’d be back to to work by now. Oh well… there’s nothing I can do about it. No sense in panic. It’s just another moment of my existence. – The pellet stove went out over-night. Nobody bothered to put in any pellets during my absence. They’ve NO sense of personal responsibility around here. The dogs, the house, the stove. None. Do, do, do for them. Thus is the way of this house. I need to get out of here. This is becoming another Hell. Yes… Hell is here. After here, there is only sleep and peace. – Halloween. Tonight come the beggars. Oh well… then tomorrow, the clocks go back to “normal”. Another hour ONTO the day. Mme.L. focuses on the fact that it gets dark an hour earlier. Oh my… to be THAT miserable… all of the time. Me? I’m miserable… I keep it to myself for the most part. Oh well.. indeed. – On to the book… 50% done with the re-write! May THIS edition be THE SELLER!!! – 21.55
More notes. It was quite the day!
I worked, for the most part, on the book. 10 pages and 52% complete. But adding the details is making the whole thing even longer. Still, I’m keeping up with the percentages and am excited to be past the 50% mark!
I took the dogs here out a couple of times and spent much time back and forth between houses.
I’m really quite tired (and took the Aleve at about 20.30 so hopefully… I’ll sleep tonight again.)
This evening, I joined B&L for some soup Bob had made. It was pepp’ry but good. I didn’t have all that much because only a little while before I’d made a grilled cheese sandwich at Jacquie’s with 2 kinds of cheese. It was SO GOOD! HOT FOOD! A GREAT SANDWICH!
I ate there at about 16.00 and then here at 16.30 and until about 17.30, working on the book
at about 17.30, the kids came here trick’r’treating so I went back to Jacquie’s and by 18.00 it was full swing.
I actually enjoyed it and wished that the candy hadn’t run out so soon. But it did and I was back at the pit by abut 19.00 where I stood with B&L out front for the last of the kids.
Bob said there were many compliments on the decorations on the house. How charming.
By 19.30 I was in and shortly after back to the book until just now.
I’m noticing the details I can still recall… it was SEVEN YEARS AGO and the details are still so VIVID!
it’s almost painful, but I’ actually RE-LIVING EVERY MOMENT! Seriously… RE-LIVING THEM! I’m living TWO “realities” each and every day now. Interesting, to say the least.
Everybody’s in bed now and I’m off to some soc.med. for a bit an then to sleep.
tomorrow, I’ll take the Halloween things to the barn and keep the “Autumn” parts of the decorations up for a while longer. But this year, if I’m still here when the time comes, I won’t leave things out to freeze. I’m not sure what I’ll do with the pumpkins though. We shall see when (if) the time comes.
And tomorrow? Hallie and what-ever.
I’m almost out of toilet paper now. I was certain I’d be back to work before this happened.
Depression time!