These are the words that repeat in my head. These are the words that I want to say to you, words that should be said but will not, save as they are recorded here. You will, I have NO doubt, twist them all and turn them against me. You've already done that much even before these words leave me here. But now, I don't give a shit any longer. What you think, what you say, what you do makes no difference any longer. You're out of my existence and out of my life (as it were) and have been for a while now. But these thoughts and words weigh on me, and I will NOT bring them with me when I leave. (10.51-2013.5.10)
As I work on the re-make of this Journal, to post it on its own as it's own resource, today, Saturday, 21 April 2018 at 14.18, I want, very much, to keep these postings alive, for my own memory, if not that of others whom I believe really should know these thoughts, but truly, to-date, have never even bothered to ask about nor, when I've volunteered to tell, given even so much as an ort of a shit. But then, I've come to the point in my existence where I know better: So long as misfortune doesn't befall "them", it makes no difference to them, nor is it of any matter to them. "Life" is as it is for us all, and contrary to what I was taught through my "formative" years, to have concern for and about others, to sympathise or, if possible, to empathise with others, that ethic, that ideal is now very much dead and gone. The youth have all but perfected apathy whilst many of the "elders" are brilliantly developing it. But for me? Well, this Journal will become another part of the whole that I'm working on documenting. And why document it? All too simply: because I'm fed-the-fuck-up with keeping it all to myself. I'm sick, literally, of keeping silent. I don't believe that anybody will ever stumble upon this Journal, and even if somebody does, I don't expect it to be of any matter nor make any difference to him/her. How-ever, there is, in each of us (thus far) a desire or trace of desire to let others know about us... and this, these entries, these "Journals" are my way of expelling the toxins that course through my veins... each moment of each day... over the entire course of my existence.
Doug P... You're just a fucked-up, fucking bloody "blue waffle" snatch.
Eddy V...(0218.12.04) Thanks Eddy, for all you did. You provided me with a place where I could feel relatively safe, protected against the elements and I knew you were doing the best you could. And I'll remember you for that... always.
Eduardo W...(2018.12.04) When you make an offer to some-body, involving a move of many hundred miles, the very least you could try and do is be sincere about your offer of a place when they arrive. All those miles, many in ice, in the presence of a stranger, in his van... yes, we got there later than hoped-for. But a SNEER? REALLY? Then there was the lie about the salary... 2$ less... and not saying until you knew I'd notice... in the cheque. Tossed to THREE different places in 2 months, last minute notice, and I travelled by BUS, from one to the other. Yeah, thanks, "toda". I'd felt more secure, welcome and "at home" in the Homeless shelter. Well, if what you intended was to completely sever all connections, congratulations! You've got what you wanted. Kriste! (Maybe INS/ICE has taken care of you by now... so you could experience my feelings.)
Fran E... I"lied" to you? You daft old woman! "Lied"? I didn't "lie" to you at all! When I told you of my "plans" to head back to NY, that was my plan. It was a contingency. I had to leave your house because I was exhausted and I had no right to even ask you to change your life-style. I had no right to ask you to change anything in or about your life. But I wasn't sleeping properly and you knew that. Sleeping in the car, in front of the house, arose suspicions. Sleeping out on the back porch was becoming bad because dew was heavy and the temperatures were dropping. But you were sweet, and kind, and took me in to give me shelter for the while. I had no right to ask you to change anything and I had no right to mention anything. I just had to move along. The fact that it happened just after your heart attack had nothing to do with any of it. Besides... you have TWO SONS! What a fucking pity that neither of THEM could have given you the time you deserve. Fucking pity that neither of THEM gave a shit to come by to help keep your house in order, never mind, pass the Hoover, or a duster. Fucking pity. - When I left your home, I also had Doug and Janice on my back. And you didn't deserve to be dragged into that situation either. So? Rather than give you all the details of what had transpired with the place in Richford and putting you in a position where-by, if you'd ever been asked by either Janice or Doug where I was, you'd have had to lie yourself (if you even cared to keep the information to yourself at that point), I simply didn't say anything about my move. I didn't "lie". I simply didn't say. But it's been so much easier for you and on you to throw it all into my face and twist it so that it all fits your little life. Call me a liar and cut communications completely. Yup... a true "friend" indeed. Tuesday, 10 December 2013 22.40 Frannie! My Dearest, I am SO GLAD AND RELIEVED THAT WE MADE AMENDS. And I will take those with me to where-ever I may go. And just like I told Burton: if there's a way to watch out for and watch over you and to make sure things are OK for you, I'll be doing that. I'm sorry that somebody else will be keeping warm with Bob's coat. But hopefully Bob won't mind and we'll see each-other. How fun! I'll get to meet Bob! And we'll both be there to meet you when you get... "There". Until then Fran? Be sure to make your time on Earth, with the fucking fuck-ups that the "living" are, the VERY BEST FOR YOU! Give love to Devon for me. What aguy! I love you Fran!
Janice S... (2018.12.04) I have to thank you for your kindness and for the one, most important thing you told me (before I had the chance to actually realise that you weren't being sarcastic:
"Stop being so nice to everybody! Vermonters aren't nice! I don't know who you've been talking to, who told you they are. But you'll learn... they're NOT!"
Didn't take me long to learn just how right you were!
Nancy L... "Too busy being angry"... that's what you said. You actually KNOW what my entire life-time has been like, and had been an active part of it for several years and yet, you have the fucking audacity to say this to me? As if I have no right to be "angry" about anything. I can't help but keep thinking about the book: you KNEW how important that was to me, how much it meant to me, the absolute JOY I experienced when it finally went to publish. You rushed to "buy" it, then rushed to "review" it and then? Then you did nothing to help promote it! It was too much for you to even click on something as simple as a "Retweet" on Twitter to remind the people on your list, to at least put the curiosity there so that maybe those people would then "Retweet" to people on their lists and the word would get out and maybe the book would have sparked enough interest that people would buy it. You KNEW how much that would have meant to me, but it was too much for you to even THINK about to promote the book. You did nothing... yet you had the fucking balls to claim, on Twitter, that I am YOUR "BFF"? You obviously don't have the slightest clue as to what a "friend", best or other-wise, really is. The mouse-clock would have cost you nothing at all and the time to make that is so negligible that it's disgusting. I didn't ask for money or time or life or anything. But it was too much for you to even ponder, let alone, do, to click support. "Friend" my fucking shit-hole! Tuesday, 10, December 2013: 22.33: To bring the matter to a close: You offered money and I declined the offer. You offered to write letters and I simply asked “To whom?” I asked if you would make phone calls because I don't have telephone service and you agreed to to that. But then came the messages that there was no answer and claims that the calls didn't go through to voice mail. Then came the e-mails saying that you got caught-up at work and that you didn't feel well. When I published the book, I asked only that you mouse-click a repeat message. There was no response to that request and I noticed that a mouse-click was too much to ask, since it happened only 3 times in 10 months. A mouse-click was obviously too much to ask... just as dialling a telephone number was too much to ask. You offered to send money to me. I declined. Bob offered to help with money and simply wrote the cheque, made certain that it got sent. When Silas couldn't swing payment on the utility bill (in his name), I didn't even ask... I phoned the utility company, asked how I could make the payment on his account and sent the money. When a neighbour in The Bronx couldn't afford groceries, Joyce and I went to the market, bought the groceries and had them delivered. We didn't ask. When Lou (many years ago) couldn't afford his car payment, I went to the banque regularly, and made the payment. I didn't ask him, I went and paid. When my sister couldn't pay all the house-hold expenses, I didn't ask, I left cash in her home so that she would find it and be able to have it when she found it. When my sister would drive me from her house to The City (90 minute drive each way), I left money for gas and tolls under the floor mat. I didn't ask. I said nothing at all. When one of the fellows in The Shelter needed car-fare, I went, bought a long-term transit pass for bus and subway and simply gave it to him. He didn't ask. I didn't make it so that he had to ask. And I merely handed it to him as if it was merely a daily pass. You call your-self a “friend” and then pull the easiest way you can possibly think of so that you can validate your-self. You call your-self a “friend” and when I ask you not to send things, you send me a message telling me you have things to send and ask me for the address. You call your-self a “friend” and yet it isn't even important enough for you to remember a mailing address. You call your-self a “friend” and as long as you don't have to “do” more than write a cheque or post an envelope, all is well. But when it comes to “action”, you become nasty, accusatory, and evading. The finger of “blame and shame” gets pointed out-ward toward others. You call your-self a “friend” and yet, when a “friend” asks for something specific, something that person actually needs, you choose to ignore, do as YOU want and then become belligerent when the issue is brought to you. You call your-self a “friend”... you haven't got the slightest idea what the word means nor what it involves. It is as I've said: “Friends” are not in our lives for OUR convenience any more. WE are in THEIR lives for THEIR convenience... WE are THEIR validation. WE are in THEIR lives to make THEM feel that they are of value. This is not the way I was raised to believe “friends” behave. I was raised to DO for “friends” with-out being asked, to be receptive to the needs of the other person, to listen, to heed. It is as I was told at a very young age: When buying a gift for some-one, we buy something that the other person will or even might like; we do not buy what WE want. It is the same with “friends” and the sooner you become a thinking adult and come to know that the better a person you will be. But at this point in your other-wise selfish, self-serving life, I doubt you will ever come to learn the facts of and about “Friendship” which is too bad for you. I just pray that you don't injure others and cause them the pain that you've caused me with your deceitful practices. You have served as a lesson to me, however. I never did have much trust in others. You've managed to completely destroy what little I had. Now I have none of my life left, thanks to you and your false and empty promises. You may post what you will about me on what-ever social media you may, but I don't require your validation. There are many people on this Earth who are better for having had me in their lives, many whom I have actually helped and many, many more to whom I have not lied, nor given false hope.
PJ dP... To think, that when I first arrived in VT, you had no heavy jacket or coat to wear. And as the nights got cooler, I let you borrow my heaviest hooded sweat-shirt for that one night. I didn't get it back until you were leaving for NM... how many months? I went the Winter with-out it. But I didn't ask nor did I demand it back. I went cold. And you? You were fine. (2018.12.04) And let's never mind the efforts I made to express my gratitude with the little meals I covered, on a limited and not large savings. "You didn't pay for anything." PLEASE! Great attitude from somebody who professed that he wants to "work with the Homeless". Oh yeah. You'll do perfectly fine, especially in a place like the "Burlington Emergency Shelter"... where the Homeless get locked in or thrown out. Or any of the so-called "shelters" in the state: In and under lock-down by 7pm and tossed out the door, no matter the weather, at 7a. And so off you went to NM... and to think I drove you to the train. Right to the end... suck the life out of everybody and then curse THEM. Good luck with your delusions. Oh, and the lesson: I trust NO ONE these days. Fucktard.
Silas B... Seriously Dude? Go figure. I don't know how or why, but honestly man, I think I fell in love with you. I know I loved you as I would love my own child, But as time's gone by I think I actually fell in love with you on an adult level too. I'm sorry... I hope this doesn't shake your world in any way. But just know that yeah, the old codger in the house in Richford actually LOVED you... and now I will... well... just forever. If there's any way to watch over and watch out for you from "there"... you just know: I will.If I can, from "out there", protect you, I will. (2018.12.04) Of course, yes, I did know then and still know now (and WOW, has it ever been documented): you're psychotic. Too bad the meds didn't work properly. Too bad your mother was irresponsible during her pregnancy with you. So much potential... for good... fucked-up. Well... it's over and done. But I'll live with the results of the fucking Order of Protection... you complete shit.